Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Yaz had to admit she felt a little nervous as she got ready that morning. It was weird. She wasn't usually the one to be nervous on photoshoot days.

In fact, ask anyone, she'd always be one of the most confident. There was a reason why other models were sometimes jealous and some of them maybe even hated her a little.

Maybe 'hate' was a strong word. But everyone in the industry knew that between any other model and Yaz, photographers and magazines and everyone else would always go for Yasmin Khan.

Yaz wasn't arrogant per se, but she knew her worth and beauty. She knew she always had what it took to make it, even though it had proven incredibly difficult at first.

Her confidence and self-worth hadn't come easily. It was gained. Through years and years of practice in front of a camera. Through years and years of praise from some of the most prestigious networks and other famous models and photographers. Through years and years of a fight with her own mind that she still found herself having sometimes.

Of course, none of this had happened with a snap of fingers. What started as an innocent school project where Yaz had, for the first time, been in front of a camera, had escalated to her closest friend –  Bill –  to convince her she should model. Constantly telling her how beautiful she was.

Yaz had dismissed it, not wanting to believe her. After all, Bill was her girlfriend at the time, so Yaz thought she was kind of entitled to say those nice things.

But her family and other friends had seen the photographs too which were exhibited in the final year projects and everyone had said the same thing, including one of her teachers who had contacts in the modelling industry.

They had convinced Yaz to take some more professional photographs to apply to a proper agency.

Yaz had done just that and it wasn't until she took a look at the final results of those photos that she saw what everyone else seemed to see.

But still not quite.

Something at the back of her mind kept telling her she wasn't good enough for it.

Still, she decided to take a chance and soon enough she had found an agent, Missy, who despite being extremely judgemental, also said things how they were and Yaz knew that if she didn't have what it took, Missy would certainly have told her from the get-go.

And that's how it all started.

Yaz began small, booking shoots for small magazines and brands, working her way up step by step. Always trying to remain humble and kind, like her parents had taught her.

It was hard at times, especially when she met another model who was the complete opposite of what Yaz tried to be. Izzy Flint was not humble and kind, and instead was ruthless in her pursuit for success, not caring one bit about who she had to step on to get to the top.

She was a little more experienced, albeit for only a few years, but that was enough for Izzy's words and insults to make their way under Yaz's skin and settle there.

Yaz started to believe her words about how she was never gonna truly make it because she was never gonna be good enough and she should just quit.

It got worse to the point where Yaz had truly considered it and she was walking over to Missy's office to tell her she didn't want to do it anymore when her friend, now ex-girlfriend, Bill called and Yaz had caved in telling her everything that was going on.

Bill as usual had the voice of reason and convinced Yaz to keep going. It took a while but eventually, Yaz listened to her best friend.

So, Yaz moved forwards. Year after year she kept getting more and more bookings for bigger magazines and brands. More well-known photographers would ask to work with her.

And slowly but surely, the name Yasmin Khan started to make its way through the industry and onto the front pages of magazines. Izzy no longer said anything, no longer being represented by Missy so Yaz hadn't seen her in years now apart from when she saw her on the cover of some other magazine or brand, and even that was rare now.

Apparently her nasty personality led to a lot of people refusing to work with her.

Things for Yaz were going well. Her family was incredibly proud of her even though most of her distant relatives weren't very keen on Yaz's career choices and even more so when Yaz had come out as a lesbian.

That had been difficult and Yaz was incredibly afraid that it would ruin her career. But times felt different and after talking to Missy, she encouraged her to come forward if Yaz really wanted.

And so, with the incredible support of her friends, family, and agent, Yaz had made her sexuality public and the responses had been overwhelming.

A huge number of people of all ages had messaged her saying how much of an inspiration she was and how she was helping them to feel more comfortable in their own skin.

Yaz had cried tears of happiness a lot on those first few days, seeing and reading all the positive responses.

As for her career, despite the fact that some brands did cancel their contracts with her with no justifiable cause, some other bigger ones had contacted her, wanting nothing more than to work with Yaz and have her represent them.

Yaz was the first to admit she didn’t mind the fame or attention. Even though it was a pain in the arse to deal with the press sometimes, she always tried to keep her private life private. Her family, friends and whomever she was dating were always her main priority.

Of course, some things would always slip through and make it onto gossip magazines. But nothing ever that major and a lot of it was nothing but rumours.

Still, Yaz liked being in the position she was in simply for the fact that she could actually make an impact. She worked with several charities regarding the things closest to her heart. She was in a position that allowed her to be an inspiration and reach more people that she could help.

And she loved that. She loved helping people.

And things just kept looking up. Yaz kept climbing those steps one by one and she now felt like she was on top. She felt more confidence in herself than ever.

That was, until the latest call.

Yaz had heard about Julian Smith. Everyone in the industry had. She was one of the most prestigious and well-known photographers and very few models had been lucky enough to work with her.

Many had tried and failed to get in her bookings. No model was put in front of her camera unless she said so.

No one knew much about Julian. Even when Yaz had tried to research her on the internet she had come up empty handed. There was barely any personal information, albeit for her name, birthplace, and age (which Yaz was surprised to see that Julian was only a few years older than her). But everything else was work related.

All the big magazines she had worked for. All the big names in the modelling industry she had worked with. A very long portfolio filled with photographs of all kinds: from models all well set up in a studio, to candid photos of random people, photos of animals, landscapes, cities, just a bit of everything and every photo captured Yaz's eye.

In older posts, Yaz could see one person standing out from everyone else. A woman with bouncy curly hair always smiling, eyes always shining to the camera. Or maybe they were shining to the person behind it, Yaz couldn't be sure. Whoever this beautiful curly haired woman was though, she stopped making appearances in Julian's profile at some point.

There was no name tag, no description in any of the photos that Julian had posted of her.

This woman's identity was completely unknown.

Yaz had never spent so much time scrolling through someone's profile the way she had Julian's.

What Yaz couldn't help but notice though, was how there weren't any photos of Julian herself. Not that it was that surprising, most photographer’s profiles rarely had any photos of themselves and were always instead filled with their work.

But even in the big online world there were very few photos of her. Apart from a few from when she won awards or was featured in a magazine, there weren't any candid shots of her.

Yaz couldn't really make up her mind about Julian yet. From the very few photos of her available, she always had the same thin smile on her face like she wasn't even happy about winning and was only there as an obligation.

Like she didn't even care about such recognition.

Perhaps she didn’t.

She didn't know anyone who had ever worked with her before so Yaz didn't even know exactly what to expect. Even Missy was surprised to get the call asking if Yaz was available for a shoot with Julian and when Yaz asked why it was such a surprise, Missy simply said it was because Julian hadn't been photographing anyone for nearly three years and had suddenly decided to get back in the game.

Why had she stopped and why she had decided to come back was completely unknown to everyone.

But of course, Yaz could never refuse such an opportunity.

But that was why she was feeling nervous at that moment. Being photographed by one of the most prestigious names in the industry was already nerve wracking enough. Being photographed as a comeback for that same name was even moreso.

If it didn't go well, Julian might regret ever coming back to the game. If Yaz wasn’t good enough, Julian might send her home saying Yaz should get into another career.

If, if, if...

Yaz knew she was overthinking things. She always did and a lot of the times things never happened the way they did in her head.

But she couldn't help her thinking process.

But now that she actually thought about it, she didn’t even know what this photoshoot was for exactly. Missy hadn’t mentioned any magazine or brand, or anything related to that for which these photos would serve that purpose.

So, Yaz really was in the dark about what was meant to happen or how things were supposed to go.

She finished brushing her hair (there wasn’t much point in putting on makeup or styling her hair when people were probably gonna do that for her later to get her ready for the shoot) and then checked her phone finding some messages from her mum and Bill, wishing her good luck.

Her family had always been her number one fan. Her dad went out of his ways to always buy the magazines and everything else that Yaz was in as soon as it hit the stores and he always saved everything in boxes for Yaz to look back on, he said, even though Yaz knew he was incredibly proud and both him and her mum always liked to show her off.

Sonya, her younger sister, had considered following in Yaz’s footsteps, but she soon changed her mind and realised that she had more of a knack for being an agent and that’s what she had settled on doing once she finished school.

As for Bill, even though she and Yaz had been broken up for a few years now, they had always remained good and close friends and Yaz knew that no matter what happened she could always count on Bill to help her out.

So, when Yaz got to the studio she was surprised to find that Bill was also there. She hadn’t told Yaz she’d be there or even that she knew where Yaz’s shoot was going to be.

But before Yaz could even do anything else, Bill approached her and enveloped her in the usual bear hug that Yaz both loved and hated.

Bill was the only person she ever allowed to hug her like that.

"Bill! What are you doing here?" Yaz finally got the chance to ask when they broke apart.

"I had a shoot earlier. Just finished." She said looking over her own shoulder at something, but her attention immediately went back to Yaz "Heard you were gonna shoot with Julian Smith. Had to come and meet her too."

Yaz rolled her eyes. News always travelled fast between models, so she wasn't exactly surprised that Bill already knew even though Yaz herself had only known for a couple of weeks and still hadn't told her best friend.

She knew how much Bill loved flirting with the photographers, especially and only the women though, so Yaz was also not surprised that she had come to meet the mysterious yet famous Julian.

They chatted for a little while and in the meantime Yaz was called to makeup. Bill was at her side the whole time.

Yaz was surprised she wasn't given any extreme makeup look and instead it was all very simple. Like she was just going to go out for a coffee or the movies.

A sort of makeup that anyone would use on a daily basis rather than the extravagant colours and products she'd normally use for photoshoots.

"So, are you nervous?" Bill asked when Yaz was nearly finished, lipstick the only thing remaining.

"Why would I be?" Yaz asked, eyebrow raised "It's just like any normal photoshoot."

"But it's not though, is it?" Bill continued, picking at her nails, a nervous habit that Yaz knew all too well "Julian Smith is like... A legend. Only a very few handful of models ever got to shoot with her, I mean... It's like meeting the queen of the modelling photography industry or something."

Yaz had a smirk on her lips "Is that your way of saying you’re jealous?"

"Damn right I'm jealous!" They both chuckled. Yaz wasn't entirely sure if Bill was being serious or not, but she did know for sure that even if Bill was a little jealous she was also incredibly happy for Yaz.

Bill had always been one of her biggest supporters and Yaz would always be grateful for their friendship.

They chatted away for a few more minutes, Bill telling her how she was going to Paris the following week for a photoshoot with Vogue, when Yaz was called by one of the assistants saying Julian had arrived and was waiting for her.

Yaz swallowed nervously, which went unnoticed by everyone around her, and got up, heading to the main studio with Bill following close behind.

The studio was more silent than she had expected. What was normally a frantic environment of people running around trying to get everything set up perfectly, was now a calm space for the exception of a small circle of people.

When they got closer Yaz finally saw what all the commotion around that spot was: Julian Smith was there.  

Yaz recognised her immediately by the very few photos she’d seen of her online. The short blonde hair was practically a given.

She looked so different in person than she did in the photos. Yaz now could tell that Julian always looked a little sad in the photos, because now she was smiling brighter and laughing more cheerily than Yaz had ever seen anyone do.

It was a bit contagious and Yaz immediately felt her nerves dissipate at the sight and sound of the other woman.

But the nerves were very soon replaced by a knot in her lower belly, sort of like butterflies some might have called it, when Julian finally looked past the crowd surrounding her and her eyes locked with Yaz’s.

Green found brown and suddenly Yaz felt like everyone else was gone and it was just her and Julian in the studio.

That was a weird feeling. Yaz had never felt something like this about anyone, especially not someone she hadn’t even spoken to properly.

Julian was very quick to dismiss the entire crowd surrounding her and everyone went back to their usual tasks, making sure the set was ready to shoot, and Julian walked towards Yaz, which gave the younger woman a proper look at this so-called legend for the first time.

To say that Julian Smith was pretty was a complete understatement. Julian Smith was, almost definitely, the most attractive woman – person even – that Yaz had ever set her eyes on.

It wasn’t just her fine face with defined sharp cheekbones and jawline and her perfectly pearl white teeth smiling at her and the crinkles in her eyes.

This woman was - simply putting it - incredibly handsome.

And her clothes did her complete justice. Like they were made for her and her only.

Perhaps they were.

Someone as successful as Julian surely would have the money for designer clothes especially made for her. It wouldn’t surprise Yaz.

But Yaz couldn’t ignore how her stomach felt like it had flipped inside out and how her breath suddenly seemed caught in her throat. How her heart might or might have not skipped a beat at the sight of Julian wearing incredibly fitting black trousers and a simple white shirt with the top three buttons undone which also emphasised her sharp collarbones.

And in her mind, Yaz immediately pictured herself undoing the rest of those buttons and kissing those collarbones and every bit of skin she’d be able to get access to…

She shook her head. Where the hell had that come from? Keep it together Yasmin.

She was soon brought back to reality by her own rational thoughts and by Bill slightly nudging her on the side and if she noticed that Yaz had started sweating a little, she decided not to say anything.

Julian finally reached them and Yaz felt herself grow a little hotter when Julian suddenly started looking her up and down, hands on her hips and brows slightly furrowed as if in thought.

“Clara!” She suddenly called, making both Yaz and Bill jump at the sudden shout, though it didn’t have a ping of authority in it. Like she was simply calling a friend over.

A few seconds later, a smaller brunette woman showed up at Julian’s side and Yaz recognised her from one of her photoshoots a few months ago.

Clara Oswald was a stylist and designer and she was always the one responsible for dressing the models in the finest clothes for each photoshoot.

Julian eyed Yaz once more before turning slightly to Clara and saying, “You know which one.” Clara looked at Yaz as well and simply smiled, understanding perfectly what Julian had just requested and saying how she agreed completely.

Yaz, however, was more than a little confused.

The blonde finally focused all of her attention on the two friends who had remained in silence the entire time.

“Sorry about that.” She smiled that divine smile and Yaz could swear the entire studio was growing hotter by the second which only was made worse when Julian extended her hand and introduced herself properly for the first time “I’m Julian Smith. I’ll be photographing you today. But you probably know that already."

Yaz took Julian’s hand, realising her palm was actually quite sweaty and she tried not to cringe at that realisation, hoping the other woman hadn't noticed.

"Yasmin Khan. Yaz to my friends." They shook hands for a bit and then Julian retrieved it, smiling broadly at Yaz and Yaz mentally face palmed herself upon realising that Julian clearly knew who she was.

"Oh, I know. I've researched you." The blonde said and Yaz didn't know exactly what to make of that, but she suddenly felt very self-conscious.

Yaz wasn't one to usually Google herself but from what her family, agent and friends told her, there was a bit too much information about her online.

More than she would've liked.

But once it was online you couldn't take it back and Yaz was always extremely careful about where she was seen and with who. 

A few things sometimes would slip away because of paparazzi that she just couldn't avoid. But the things that mattered, the important things like her close friendships and family or even the occasional flings, those she had managed to keep private for the most part.

Though Yaz couldn't help but wonder exactly how much reading Julian had made on her and how much she knew.  And then she realised it didn't really matter because she had also searched Julian on the internet, although her search had come back a lot emptier than Julian's probably had.

"I’ve researched you too actually. Couldn't find much though." Yaz smiled but then she noticed Julian's smile get a little smaller. A little sadder. Or maybe it was just her imagination.

Luckily for the both of them, before things could get awkward Bill interjected.

"And I'm Bill." She extended her hand to Julian and this one shook it, seemingly pleased by the change in topic.

"Bill Potts, right?" She asked and Yaz could swear Bill's cheeks had grown a little darker at Julian's recognition.

But as usual Bill disguised her slightly nervousness under flirting, but Yaz knew her way too well "Did you research me too?" Bill asked Julian with a smirk on her lips, but the blonde simply smiled, retrieving her hand, and shoved them in her pockets.

"Clara mentioned you actually." She said pointing backwards to the way the brunette from earlier had headed to "She worked with you a few months ago I think, and she's been mentioning you since."

She gave Bill a wink and returned her attention to Yaz. Bill seemed to take the hint that Julian had given her though Yaz had no clue what sort of hint that was until Bill bid her goodbyes and said she was gonna go and find Clara.

Yaz shook her head. Her best friend never changed and Yaz was glad that was the case.

“So…” Julian said taking a step closer to Yaz and she felt her heart skip yet another beat when the blonde put her index finger under Yaz’s chin and turned her head slightly to one side and then the other all the while looking at Yaz’s whole face very closely.

Examining her, it seemed.

“The makeup looks incredible.” She said finally letting go and taking the same step back, Yaz felt the breath she had been holding suddenly get loose.

They talked for a few more minutes. Julian took Yaz through the photoshoot plans, explaining to her what was intended and how she expected the results to turn out. She told Yaz how this photoshoot was part of a project and that the photographs, instead of being posted on some magazine, were being exhibited in a gallery for the period of a month. A gallery that apparently thousands of people visited during the course of that time.

The photos would not be allowed to be exhibited or posted anywhere without Julian’s permission.

Yaz felt a bit more nervous all of a sudden. For some reason, the purpose of these photographs felt a lot more serious than any other photoshoot she had done before. Yaz suddenly felt a lot of responsibility towards Julian. She wanted to do well.

She wanted to be worthy of the opportunity.

After all, this could be yet another door of opportunities for her career and Yaz had no idea what was waiting for her on the other side.

But for some strange reason, she also didn’t want to let Julian down. Yaz wanted to do well for her, show her she deserved to have been given this chance.

The way Julian talked her through the entire thing, even if she was still omitting the true theme of the photoshoot (if it had one), it made it clear to Yaz that this was something close to Julian’s heart. That she was truly passionate about it and really did care about the project.

In all her career, Yaz hadn’t met that many photographers, especially in that industry, that would show this much love and passion for what they did and for that Yaz respected Julian immensely. Because Yaz also felt a lot of love and passion for her own job.

After a few more minutes, Clara finally came back and called Yaz to go and change her outfit and Julian told her she'll be ready to shoot in ten.

Yaz followed the brunette into a familiar room that she'd been in a few times when she had had previous photoshoots in the same studio.

Yaz was immediately awestruck when she saw the dress Julian had apparently picked out for her to wear.

The material was almost silk like and the colour presented as a deep red wine. On the mannequin it already looked stunning and once Yaz put it on she had to take a double take at herself.

Yaz has definitely worn dresses and outfits that are a lot fancier than that one, and yet none of them quite compared to what Julian had picked out.

The entire dress fitted Yaz’s body in all the right places and the deep red made such a beautiful contrast with the colour of her skin that she just couldn’t stop looking at herself.

The dress was simple, tying at the back of her neck and leaving half her back exposed. There was a slit the length of her leg on the right side and every time she moved or walked, there were glimpses of her leg being exposed.

Yaz completely loved it.

She hoped she would be allowed to keep it.

“Julian was right. It looks gorgeous on you.” Clara said while walking around Yaz to make sure there was nothing missing.

“Did she pick this?” Yaz asked, stepping out of the platform she was standing on when Clara nodded approvingly.

“Yup. Julian chooses all the outfits for the models she photographs.” Clara handed Yaz a robe for her to put on until she got to the studio, to make sure she wouldn’t be cold and something that she could wear on top of the dress during breaks “Although I have to admit she showed a lot more interest in this one than any other before. She actually went with me to the shop to pick the material and colour.”

Clara must have noticed Yaz’s surprised expression at the revelation because she added “This photoshoot is really important to her, Yaz. She wouldn’t make such an effort otherwise. Trust me. I’ve worked with her for years.”

Yaz decided not to say anything, but the thought that Julian had gone to such extreme lengths to make sure the dress was perfect was something that made Yaz’s heart jolt. To think that Yaz was now wearing such a dress, that had received such a great amount of attention from Julian, was a warm feeling that settled in her lower belly and she started to regret wearing the robe that Clara had given her.

She was feeling way too hot.

Keep it together Yaz. Julian’s the photographer. You’re the model. Just be professional.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Clara. “By the way, your friend Bill is really nice. Very bold too. She just got in here and gave me her number saying we should go for coffee.”

Yaz chuckled “That’s Bill alright. Though to be fair, Julian might have had something to do with that. But behind that brave confident exterior, Bill’s really a softie at heart.”

“I’ll remember that.” Clara opened the door for Yaz and pointed her in the direction back to the studio “Good luck! I’ll see you when it’s time for the outfit change.”

“Outfit change? I didn’t see any other outfit in there.” Yaz pointed out frowning. An outfit change wasn’t unusual, but she would usually be shown everything she was meant to wear before the photoshoot started so the fact that that hadn’t happened this time felt a little strange.

“Julian likes to keep things a secret until they actually happen.” Clara smiled, “You’ll see the outfit when it’s time, but I promise you it’s just as good as that one.”

Chapter Text

Yaz had only been gone for a few minutes, but the studio already looked different than when she had been there.

The backdrop was now a black and white pattern that resembled more of a chess board. There was a plain white chair in the middle with a bouquet of carnations on top of it.

Yaz removed the robe Clara had given her and spotted Julian just on the other side, positioning the lights exactly how she wanted. Yaz could see her tongue poking out a little in concentration as she manoeuvred the light around until she finally was satisfied with its position.

When Julian turned, her eyes immediately locked onto Yaz and didn’t look away. For a few seconds it was like she was frozen in place, simply staring at this girl in a red dress like she was the most marvellous being she’d ever seen.

The room felt empty. There was no noise and no more movement around.

At that moment, it was just them.

No one else.

Yaz felt her breathing stop and her heart race when Julian finally moved after what it had felt like centuries. The blonde made her way over to Yaz with a look in her eyes that Yaz couldn’t quite describe but she very deeply wanted to believe it was something similar to lust.

Desire.

She shook her head. That was ridiculous.

But then Julian finally got close enough to Yaz and looked at her up and down with no shame about it. She walked around Yaz to see how the dress looked from behind. She came back to stand in front of Yaz and all the while Julian’s eyes never left her.

Any other person could have felt themselves shrink under such intense gaze. But not Yasmin Khan.

If it was any other person looking at Yaz that way, maybe Yaz would have felt uncomfortable. She often did, no matter how confident she was about her body. But not with Julian Smith.

Yaz found in that moment that with Julian she felt comfortable. She felt safe.

It was a strange thing to feel for someone you had met barely an hour ago.

Julian finally took a step back and eyed Yaz up and down once again, finally locking her eyes with Yaz’s.

“Stunning.” There was a smirk on her lips and Yaz couldn’t help but stare. They were thin lips, slightly wonky on one side and Yaz felt that heat rise up her body again.

Was the studio actually hot or was it just her?

Yaz needed to pull herself together if she wanted to make it through the entire photoshoot. She needed to be professional.

Still, a little flirting never hurt anyone. Right?

“Thank you Julian.” Yaz said imitating the smirk on the other woman’s lips and twirling a little on the spot which led to the expose of her bare leg through the ripple in the dress and Yaz noticed Julian’s eyes drifting to the dark skin “You have good taste.”

If this was a game, it became clear to Yaz that Julian was willing to play when she simply said “I know. And not just in clothes.”

She guided Yaz to the plain white chair that was set up, picking up the bouquet of carnations on top of it and shredding them, scattering the petals around on the floor. Yaz sat on the chair upon Julian’s request who then instructed her on positions for her body and head.

Yaz had to admit she was thoroughly impressed. Julian seemed to know exactly what she wanted and what she had come for and knew exactly how to achieve the results she had envisioned in her mind.

Yaz was incredibly excited to get started and even more curious to see the end results.

After she was finally positioned correctly, Julian took a step back and admired her once again. Yaz felt the heat of her skin rise once more and she shifted slightly which didn’t go unnoticed by the blonde who smiled at her.

“Don’t move darling.”

Yaz was suddenly glad she was sat down because she had a feeling that if she were standing up, her knees would have completely failed her upon hearing the pet name. She wasn’t usually very keen on them but coming from Julian’s mouth it just felt right and so Yaz didn’t say anything.

She watched as Julian moved behind the camera which was already set up on a tripod and looked through the lens, then moving the camera a little to the left and front while continuing to look through it to make sure the shot was how she wanted.

She told Yaz to relax and took a couple of test photos making sure the background and light all looked okay. Even though she seemed satisfied with how things looked she did something Yaz wasn’t expecting: she removed the camera from the tripod and walked over to Yaz showing her the test photos on the display screen and asking for Yaz’s opinion.

Photographers never really did that, just went with their instincts, and stuck to their ideas but Julian seemed genuinely interested in knowing what Yaz thought of it.

Yaz took a look at the camera, trying to ignore how close to her Julian was, and was quite impressed. If these were the test shots, then she couldn’t wait to see how the real and final results would look like.

The contrast of the chess board black and white backdrop added with the plain white chair and Yaz sitting in it dressed in red with the red carnations spread all around her was such an aesthetically pleasing sight that Yaz couldn’t really stop looking at it.

Not until Julian pulled the camera away.

“I’m taking from your face that you like it?” Julian asked, looking at Yaz from above which just made the heat in Yaz rise up slightly.

“They look really good.” Yaz smiled, which made the blonde smile too, clearly pleased.

“Let’s get started then.”

Julian stepped away again, moving behind the tripod and settling her camera on it. Yaz couldn’t stop staring at her. The way she moved and handled the equipment was like a well-rehearsed dance and yet it seemed like it came to her completely naturally.

Perhaps that’s what happened when you had been doing something for so long. The same way Yaz’s body knew every position she should make during photoshoots in order to obtain the results she wanted, Julian seemed to know how to work a camera, the props, and the models.

Yaz swallowed thinking about the implications of her last thoughts. She imagined Julian working up the models, particularly working up Yaz, in a completely different scenario and she had to shift her hips when she felt wet heat emanating between her thighs.

But the same way she was imagining how Julian could work her up, Yaz was also imagining how she could work Julian up. Her mind drifted back to the glimpse of her collarbones she had seen earlier, her exposed forearms and now her hands.

She hadn’t really noticed Julian’s hands before, it wasn’t usually the sort of thing she would even notice about someone, but Julian’s were impossible not to stare at.

They looked strong and yet incredibly delicate when she pressed the buttons on the camera for the final adjustments, and when she looked through the lens straight at Yaz again, Yaz noticed how her hands were wrapped around the object.

How her index finger reached up to press the top button and the shutter went off, obfuscating Yaz in a bright flash that brought her back from her deep thoughts and she felt herself blush.

“You okay there Yasmin?” Yaz would never admit how the use of her full name made her feel a lot more flustered but she tried to play it cool, simply nodding and smiling and getting into the first position Julian had instructed her.

***

Yaz barely noticed the first two hours of the shoot go by. She had been photographed in every position Julian had requested and a few more that Yaz felt encouraged by the blonde to try out as she pleased.

Julian seemed incredibly pleased with the results so far, though Yaz had not looked at any of the photographs yet, but the shutter and flash of the camera was going on and on at an incredible speed and Yaz was sure that by then Julian must have had a few hundreds of photos of her.

Yaz didn’t even want to imagine how much time it would take for the blonde to go through all of them and pick the ones she wanted and liked the most.

“Okay Yasmin let’s do just one more and then have a little break. Sounds good?” Julian asked from her position behind the camera, lifting her head above it a little to look directly at Yaz who smiled at her.

“Sounds perfect.”

Yaz has to admit that even though she was truly enjoying the shoot, she was starting to get a little hungry and a break was very much needed. Julian had made sure Yaz stayed hydrated throughout the whole thing, constantly instructing the assistants to bring her some water which Yaz deeply appreciated.

They had even talked for a little bit. They were pretty much the only people in the studio besides one other person who was moving the lights at Julian’s instructions. He had talked to Yaz at one point and Yaz noticed his American accent and she was positive Julian had called him Jack at one point.

Yaz was really, really, enjoying Julian’s company and the way she worked and the way they worked together. She was noticing little things about Julian that she couldn’t help but find adorable and yet really interesting.

She noticed that whenever she was trying to concentrate, Julian would poke her tongue out a little and there was a line between her eyebrows. How, when she was a little unhappy with a particular photo she would chew her thumb nail for a while before changing her position to get the shot she wanted. How her eyes would swim from the camera screen to Yaz and every time green locked with brown, she would smile.

And Yaz could never help but smile back.

At one-point Yaz got a little worried when she noticed Julian limping a little but when she asked her about it, Julian said it was nothing special.

After five shots, Julian still didn’t seem happy with the photo she was trying to get, and she looked from the camera to Yaz trying to spot where she could make a correction.

She moved away from the camera, adjusting the light a little and then moving towards Yaz who was sat in the plain white chair, legs crossed but the leg on the side of the slit of the dress was practically all exposed through the gap and Yaz noticed Julian licking her lips upon setting her sight on it. Yaz was leaning a little forward with her arms crossed on top of her knee and Julian crouched down until she was eye level with Yaz.

“Can I?” She asked, pointing at Yaz’s arm. That was another thing Yaz was also loving about working with her: whenever she had to touch Yaz to help her get into a position, she always asked for permission first, making sure that Yaz was comfortable with the gesture.

Yaz nodded positively and Julian lifted one of Yaz’s arms, repositioning it, so she was resting the elbow on the knee. Julian then got up slightly and once again asked permission before she gently hooked a finger under Yaz’s chin and rotated her head slightly to the right.

She let Yaz adjust to the position to how she felt more comfortable and then to finish, Julian tucked a loose strand of hair that had gone rogue behind Yaz’s ear.

Their eyes met and Julian stopped. Her hand was still in Yaz’s hair and all Yaz could feel was Julian’s nails lightly scratching behind her ear, Julian’s breathing so close to her, the sound of her own heart.

She let her eyes drift briefly downwards to Julian’s lips and then back up again and she saw the blonde copy the exact same motion.

Was she closer? She felt closer, or at least it seemed like Julian was slowly, very slowly, leaning in. Her hand had left Yaz’s hair and was now on Yaz’s cheek, thumb slowly and gently stroking her soft skin.

Julian’s eyes had left Yaz’s and were now focusing on her lips and she was inching closer and closer.

Everything could have happened in that moment and Yaz was prepared for it. She found herself wanting to feel Julian’s lips against hers and see where that would take them.

Yaz was left wondering about all that could have happened when at the last second Julian cleared her throat and pulled away from Yaz, taking a step back. She looked flustered and also slightly mortified by what was just about to happen. She even looked a little distressed, but she was trying very hard to hide it by turning away from Yaz.

Though, when Julian went back behind the camera and was reaching for the button Yaz couldn’t help but notice that her hands were shaking a little. But when she asked her if she was okay, Julian brushed it off saying she was just fine and Yaz decided not to press it.

After all, she didn’t really know Julian that well and could just be imagining things. Though by the way the blonde had suddenly gone quiet, Yaz didn’t think it was just her imagination playing tricks. But she let it pass, and they got the last photos of that morning, Julian finally seeming satisfied with the results.

Yaz had left the main studio to change into her casual clothes for lunchtime. She’d have a two-hour break to relax and hopefully catch a little bit of the sun. It was the middle of July after all and the weather had surprisingly been in their favour lately and she’d been spending a lot of time on the outdoors when she wasn’t working.

She had a trip to Italy the following week, partly for work and partly for pleasure (even though she was going alone) and she was incredibly excited about it. On one hand she hadn’t been to Italy in a couple of years and she couldn’t wait to do some exploring and get to see new things. And on the other she was going there for a shoot for a very prestigious Italian fashion magazine that wanted to put Yaz on their cover and do a full interview with her.

She finished getting ready, dressed in simple denim shorts and a yellow blouse, and grabbed her sunglasses and hat and headed out the door. She had to pass through the main studio to leave and when she got there she found Julian sitting at the desk, and Yaz could see the photos they’ve spent all morning taking on the computer screen and she reached over, unnoticed by Julian who jumped when Yaz spoke.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Yaz said, smiling down at the other woman.

“That’s okay Yasmin.” Julian continued to go through the photos “What do you think?” She asked turning slightly to look at Yaz who was just admiring, not herself, but the way the photo looked overall.

The contrast of colours with the background and light and just the way the photo had been taken made it looked absolutely stunning.

This was very easily becoming one of her favourite photoshoots she’d ever done, which was saying a lot.

“They look incredible.” Yaz said, looking directly at Julian and allowing their eyes to lock for a few seconds until the blonde cleared her throat and looked back at the screen again.

“They do.”

After a moment of silence Yaz felt her stomach make a rumbling noise and she decided she really needed to go and get some food quickly. She made to leave, but after a couple of steps she turned back around.

“Hey, Julian. Do you wanna come and grab some lunch?”

The other woman looked at her and frowned a little like she was weighing her options and like she was having an internal debate with herself. But that only took a few seconds and to Yaz’s relief, Julian turned off the computer.

“That sounds good.” She smiled at Yaz and grabbed her coat and bag, leading Yaz towards the door and opening it up for her which Yaz thanked her for “So, where do you get a bite around here?”

“I usually like to go to the food van in the park, they have some really nice sandwiches and then just do a kind of picnic in the grass. I’ve got a blanket with me.” Yaz didn’t say anything else, realising in that moment that even though Yaz enjoyed the outdoors and loved doing little picnics, either by herself or with company, that might not be something Julian enjoys and Yaz thinks that maybe she’s more of a proper restaurant type “We can go somewhere else though. There’s a few nice restaurants around if you prefer and-“

“Yasmin.” Julian interrupted, placing a hand on her shoulder briefly and removing it almost immediately “Food van and a picnic sounds perfect.” She smiled which relaxed Yaz tenfold. “Let’s go, lead the way.”

Chapter Text

After each getting their sandwiches and finding a nice spot to sit under a tree, they made pleasant conversation with each other.

Yaz was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Julian. She had told the photographer about her family and some funny stories that had happened in some of her photoshoots. She told her about her travels, even though most of them were always work related, she still always tried to find the time for some sightseeing, and Julian listened intently to every word pouring out of Yaz’s mouth, not once interrupting. The only sounds coming out of her were laughs whenever Yaz said something funny and Yaz found herself trying to think of more funny things to say just so she could hear Julian laugh more.

It was a very addictive sound.

Although after a while Yaz couldn’t help but notice that even though she was talking and sharing a lot and even though she deeply appreciated Julian listening to her with pure interest, she also wanted to find out more about this mysterious photographer.

“So, what about you? Have you got family?” Yaz asked, thinking that would be a nice conversation starter about Julian, but immediately knew it had been a bad decision when the blonde’s features turned to what could only be described as a little dark and upset.

Yaz went to say something and change the subject immediately, but Julian took a quick deep breath and beat her to it.

“Sort of, I mean… I don’t have any blood relatives left but I do have people that feel like family. You know what I mean?” She finally looked Yaz in the eyes again, a glint of sadness in them and Yaz just nodded.

“Yeah, I think I sort of do.” She reached over and placed a hand on Julian’s hand, squeezing lightly “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” She meant it. The subject of family was something that clearly made Julian sad and upset, and those are not emotions that Yaz wanted to see in her. Yaz believed someone as incredible as Julian deserved nothing but happiness.

Julian shot her a small smile “It’s okay Yasmin.” And she turned away again, looking in the distance to a couple who was passing by.

“You know, you can call me Yaz.” She said leaning back and Julian looked at her, this time with a smirk gracing her lips.

“Thought only your friends got to call you Yaz?” She said, unashamedly looking at Yaz’s bare legs and then back at her eyes again “Besides, Yasmin is a pretty name. I like it.”

Yaz laughed at that “You’re a charmer, you know that?”

“I do try.”

They both laughed this time and Yaz could feel the tension from earlier dissipate quickly, and then returned to the earlier flirting they were having in the studio that morning.

They stayed in comfortable silence for a while, simply enjoying each other’s company and the sun. Yaz had her eyes closed, trying to relax knowing she still had a few hours of the photoshoot left and even though she was really enjoying it she also couldn’t wait to get home and have a long and nice bath.

She heard Julian next to her rummaging around in her bag, but Yaz was so relaxed and comfortable she remained with her eyes closed until the she heard a camera shutter go off and she was forced to open them out of curiosity just in time to see a polaroid camera pointing at her and then being lowered down slightly to reveal Julian looking at her softly with a smile on her lips as warm as the sun itself.

Maybe if it had been any other person taking her picture while she was distracted, Yaz would have felt a little uncomfortable. As it was, and as it had been that whole morning, she just felt comfortable around Julian.

It was the kind of comfort that should usually come when you’ve known someone for a while, but with Julian just came naturally to Yaz. Like they had known each other for lifetimes.

Still, she couldn’t help but be a little self-conscious of having her picture taken when she wasn’t posing properly, and she straightened her back and fixed her hair before looking at Julian again who was shaking the small polaroid picture that had come out of the camera.

“Do you wanna take another one?” Yaz asked, smiling broadly at the other woman who just looked at her confused.

“That’s not the point of a polaroid picture, Yaz.” Yaz relaxed a little but she was also intrigued by what Julian meant.

“What’s the point then?”

Julian openly smiled at the photo now clear in her hand, gently rubbing her thumb over it and then looking back at Yaz “This is.”

She handed the polaroid to Yaz and Yaz took it. She looked at the picture and she had to admit she hadn’t had a photo of her taken like that in a long time.

She looked as peaceful and relaxed in that photo as she actually felt in the moment she heard it being taken.

She frowned a little when she saw that the little scar on her forehead was noticeable and there was a loose strand of hair slightly on her face and, since most of her makeup from that morning had now come off, there were a few spots on her face that could be seen.

She suddenly felt very self-conscious and she handed the photo back to Julian.

“Do you not like it?” Julian accepted the photo back, but she didn’t take her eyes off her.

“I do, it’s just…” Yaz didn’t actually know how to explain it. 

All the little things she was self-conscious about were usually removed in editing in all the photoshoots she did. She hadn’t seen a photo of her so naturally in such a long time that she almost forgot she had those imperfections, even though deep down she knew they weren’t imperfections at all. 

Though she had a feeling were she to say such a thing Julian wouldn’t understand. But she also knew Julian was in the same industry as her, she was a photographer and therefore she probably did a lot of editing on models as well so maybe she would understand. Yaz bit the bullet.

“I don’t know. Seeing a photo of me that hasn’t been edited or not in a studio looking all fancy is a little weird.”

Julian sighed and Yaz couldn’t tell whether it was from understanding or disappointment. But her doubt was short lived cause Julian looked into the distance and said, “That’s really sad Yasmin.”

Yaz was at a loss for words. What did Julian mean by ‘sad’ ?

“The best thing about a polaroid is just that.” Julian continued and Yaz simply listened, not daring to interrupt “When you look at the world, there’s no filter in it. No post-editing, no artificial lights. What you see in front of you is what you get. And it’s beautiful. The world is so, so, incredibly beautiful.

Nature and people, all of it, from the smallest things like a bright red ladybug to the magnificent and vast deep blue ocean… Everything's just wonderful. And each moment that you live is so precious, so unique that no matter how hard you try you’re never gonna be able to live it the same way again. Because there’s always something that will go slightly differently that will make the moment different.

And polaroid’s, they capture exactly that. They capture the moment and the emotions how they are in that precise second. You can’t change it once it’s been taken. You can’t add anything or remove anything, you can’t edit the brightness or the contrast. It’s just the way it is.”

Julian looked at the photo she had taken and then back at Yaz.

“And it’s stunning.”

Yaz felt nothing but warmth crawling all the way through her body. Julian extended her hand, handing the photograph back to Yaz but Yaz simply shook her head and took hold of Julian’s hand pushing the polaroid back to her.

“You should keep it.”

Julian gave her a look of surprise which was immediately replaced by a smile while she put the photo in the back pocket of her trousers. Yaz thought that was it, looking at her watch they only had a few minutes left - or more like half an hour - of their break before they had to go back to the studio and do the rest of the photoshoot.

“Here.” Julian handed Yaz her polaroid camera which Yaz took, looking a little confused “If I get to have a picture of you, then you should have one of me as well. It only seems fair.”

That confused Yaz even more. Yaz was under the impression that Julian didn’t particularly like having her picture taken, which had become a little apparent when Yaz had researched her after their photoshoot had been booked.

Even in Julian’s social media, it was rare to see any actual photographs of her. It was a shame honestly, given how incredibly handsome Julian was.

Julian seemed to sense Yaz’s apprehension.

“What’s wrong?”

Yaz shook her head “Nothing.” She bit her bottom lip wondering if what she was about to ask was pushing it a little, but then she realised that it couldn’t really be that much of a personal question “It’s just that… Well, I just thought maybe you didn’t like having your picture taken? Cause ya know, there aren’t that many of you online and all.”

Julian pursed her lips and gave Yaz a tight smile “So, when you said earlier that you had researched me, you meant that you actually did properly research me?”

“Well, yeah…” Yaz was now getting nervous, maybe she shouldn’t have said anything. It seemed like every time she wanted to find out a little more about this mysterious photographer she just ended up putting her foot in it “Sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have. But I was surprised when Missy booked me to shoot with you and of course I knew who you were, but I didn’t actually know anything about you other than what you do for a living, so I wanted to know more just so I knew what to expect. But there’s barely any information about you out there and then I ended up on your social media and kept scrolling and scrolling cause honestly, the photos you take are absolutely breath-taking and I just wanted to see more and more and just kinda noticed there weren’t any photos of you and-“

Yaz’s spiral rambling stopped all of a sudden when Julian took hold of her hand and squeezed “Deep breaths Yaz. I’m not angry.” Julian did in fact not look angry at all, but she did look a little sad “It’s not like I can really stop anyone from searching me when some stuff is just out there. And more especially when it’s my social media and I’m the one who controls what's there. Privacy becomes a little difficult sometimes.”

She looked into the distance, but she was keeping her hold on Yaz’s hand “How deep did you dig into my social media?”

Yaz almost felt embarrassed by her answer “Quite a bit. There wasn’t a lot from the last couple of years, so it was easy to scroll through it.” She took a deep breath, she was dying to know why Julian had taken time off and she wanted to ask but at the last second she decided against it. 

She and Julian didn’t know each other for that long and Yaz had a feeling that the reason why she had stopped was very personal and close to Julian’s heart. The last thing Yaz wanted was to pry even further than she already had.

Once again, Julian seemed to read her mind cause she thanked Yaz and tightened the hold on her hand a little.

“Why are you thanking me?” Yaz asked, confused but she smiled at Julian, nonetheless.

“You know why.”

Just like that Julian got up.

“Where are you going?”

“We still have a bit left before we need to head back so I’m gonna get us some ice cream.” She said, retrieving her wallet from her bag “What do you fancy?”

***

Yaz was finishing her strawberry ice cream when she looked at Julian and couldn’t help but laugh which evoked a puzzled look from the blonde in question.

“What?”

Yaz laughed even more. For someone who in the studio could be so incredibly professional, Yaz could now see that Julian was a child at heart and she found that extremely endearing.

Unlike Yaz who had only requested a simply scoop of strawberry ice-cream, Julian had come back with a massive ice cream for herself consisting of three scoops of vanilla, chocolate, and mango, which was now half melting down her hand and the other half Yaz was certain had already landed on her blanket.

Surprisingly, and somewhat miraculously, Julian’s white shirt remained unstained. But her face was also covered in ice cream.

Julian looked down to see the mess she had made on Yaz’s blanket and the mess her hand was and gasped.

“I am so sorry Yaz, I’ll take it home and clean it and get it back to you ASAP! Promise.” She gave Yaz a sheepish smile but all Yaz could register was the implication of her words.

Did Julian offering to clean her picnic blanket and give it back meant she was hoping to see Yaz again? Yaz couldn’t deny that she really wanted that. These past hours they had spent in each other’s company had been incredibly pleasant and Yaz wanted nothing more than to spend a little more alone time with Julian.

Julian didn’t seem to clock onto Yaz’s thoughts this time and simply carried on finishing her ice cream. She looked content, and Yaz figured this was the perfect opportunity for a polaroid.

Without Julian noticing, Yaz lifted the camera at eye level and snapped a picture of her. Julian’s attention immediately turned to her when she heard the shutter go off.

“Yaaaaazzz!” She whined realising the state she’d been caught on “You could have told me you were gonna take a picture! Could have cleaned myself a little.”

Yaz raised an eyebrow at the blonde, removing  the photo that had rolled out of the camera and started to shake it “That’s not the point of a polaroid.”

“Touché.” Julian smirked before popping the remaining of her ice cream cone in her mouth.

Yaz showed the now fully visible picture to Julian who nodded approvingly and told Yaz to keep it, so Yaz put it in her wallet and retrieved some tissues from her purse, shuffling closer to Julian.

“Here.” Gently she turned the blonde’s head towards her and started cleaning her chin which was barely visible under the layer of ice cream covering it. She could feel Julian’s eyes on her at all times and even more so when Yaz moved from her chin to her lips, swiping the tissue gently.

Yaz felt mesmerised and she finally looked up to find Julian’s eyes which were focusing on nothing but Yaz. They were so close that Yaz could feel Julian’s breathing, and could see that her eyes were in fact more hazel than green. And then she saw said eyes drift down to her lips and Yaz felt her eyes do the same.

Just like earlier in the studio, they were once again drifting closer by the second so much so that Yaz was certain nothing could interrupt them this time and so she closed her eyes in anticipation, wanting nothing more than to finally feel Julian’s soft lips on her.

But the moment was short lived, because all of a sudden there was a loud ring coming from somewhere between them and she heard, rather than felt, Julian move back and groaned, muttering something that Yaz couldn’t quite decipher.

Yaz ducked her head, frustrated that they somehow had been interrupted again. She wasn’t exactly sure what was happening. She had never felt so drawn to anyone the way she felt for Julian. They might have only known each other for a few hours, but it already felt like a lot longer than that and Yaz wanted nothing more than to keep knowing her.

Julian turned to her with an apologetic smile “Sorry Yaz. Alarm went off. It’s time we get back.” She sounded as disappointed as Yaz was that they had been interrupted again and that what was about to happen had once again been left to the imagination.

“It’s okay.” Yaz got up and extended her hand to Julian who gratefully took it “We still have a long day ahead and maybe once we’re finished in the studio you can let me buy you a drink or something?”

That seemed to lighten Julian's spirits because she immediately lifted Yaz’s hand, which she was still holding on to, and placed a tender kiss on the back of it. A feeling that lingered there long after.

“I’d like that.”

Chapter Text

When they got to the studio, Julian went over to get everything set while Yaz went to get her hair and makeup done. That took at least forty minutes and by the end Yaz couldn't stop staring at her reflection and the golds decorating her skin. She particularly liked the eyeliner, gold and black with a wing effect. It was just stunning. 

“There’s a couple of things left, but Julian will be the one doing it.” Yaz nodded, already incredibly curious. 

They did her hair really quick, simply parting it in two braids and adorning it with small golden flowers. It looked so pretty, Yaz paid close attention how they were doing it so she could recreate it at home at some point. When they were all finished Yaz thanked them, as she usually did. Even though it’s their jobs, Yaz always liked to acknowledge how talented they are and how grateful she is for their work. 

She then went into the changing room where Clara was already waiting for her. But Yaz didn't even pay her any attention because her eyes were immediately drawn to the soft golden coloured suit that Clara was looking over at. 

“Wow.” Yaz whispered and she got closer, slowly moving her fingers to touch the material which was soft under her skin. She couldn't wait to try it.  

“Pretty impressive isn't it?” Clara asked rhetorically, much like Yaz she couldn't stop admiring it even though she had probably had an input on the design “Julian did really well with this one.” 

Yaz smiled. The knowledge that once again Julian had put time and thoughts into an outfit that Yaz would now wear is something that made her feel incredibly warm from inside out. She wondered what Julian was getting ready on set. She already couldn't wait to see the end results. 

As Clara helped her put on the suit, Yaz’s mind wandered. This photoshoot was completely different from anything she had ever done before, but it was already one of her absolute favourites and that was very much down to Julian herself. She was easy to work with, and she was easy to talk to. And the way she moved and instructed Yaz made her feel incredibly at ease. She had worked with a lot of amazing photographers throughout her career, but Julian… Something was very different about her. Something about her made Yaz feel very different too. 

“Okay, just the jacket left.” Yaz finished buttoning up her shirt and took the jacket from Clara, immediately putting it on. She honestly had no idea what was expecting her in the studio, but just looking at her reflection she felt a burst of confident rise in her. 

Clara whistled softly, making Yaz turn around and smile at her. The smaller brunette got the final detail - a black handkerchief perfectly placed in the left pocket of the golden jacket, just above Yaz’s heart - and then she told the model to get going because Julian was probably wanting for her already. 

And as predicted, when Yaz entered the studio again, Julian was just finishing setting up her camera on the tripod in front of the set. Yaz admired her for a few seconds until Julian looked up and once again it was like she was frozen in place, without being able to take her eyes off Yaz. 

And once again Yaz simply moved towards her, without taking her eyes off her as well. It was like there was this invisible force pulling them together, and Yaz was once again left wondering what was about Julian that made her feel this way. 

As soon as she got close, Julian reached her hand up and touched something in Yaz’s hair and then her hand moved south until it was touching Yaz’s face, doing the same thing as before and gently cupping Yaz’s chin, she moved the model’s head from one side to the other, admiring her. She made a low hum of approval, and then stepped back looking Yaz up and down. 

Even though Julian had done this before, Yaz still couldn't help the heat rising in her once again. Something about being admired like this by someone she found incredibly attractive as well was both intimidating and invigorating. And she was completely soaking up the attention. 

“Red was definitely your colour, but gold? Just stunning.” Was all Julian said before she moved away to mess with the camera again while she told Yaz to get on the set. 

This time, all that met her was a completely black backdrop. Yaz could immediately see the vision. Gold against all black was a stunning combo, she had to admit. And once again she got incredibly excited to see the end results. Julian was clearly a woman with a vision, she knew exactly what she wanted and was making everything to make sure she got it. 

She got close to Yaz again, holding a little box in her hand and asked Yaz to sit on a chair, which Yaz gladly obeyed. Julian sat in an opposite chair - these were clearly not part of the set - and she opened the little box in her hand which Yaz noticed was full of tiny golden stars. 

“These will stick to your skin. I was thinking we could put a few around here.” She pointed at her own face to explain it, indicating her cheek “And a few more around here.” She pointed at the side of her forehead “If it’s okay with you. I can also just edit them in if you’re not comfortable sticking these to your skin. Either way, it’s no bother. I want this to be comfortable for you.” 

Just that small statement made Yaz’s chest burst with affection for the other woman. Wow. You really need to calm down Khan, she’s just being professional.  

“It’s okay, I don't mind it.” Yaz said and Julian smiled, taking a little star from the box and reaching up slowly to Yaz’s cheek to start glueing them. 

The whole thing took a while. Julian was being incredibly careful and meticulous and all the while Yaz couldn’t take her eyes off her. Everytime Julian’s fingertips touched her skin to glue a tiny star, Yaz’s skin lit on fire. 

“Just a couple more.” Julian said and she looked Yaz directly in the eyes, and once again, Yaz saw those hazel irises look down at her lips “Sorry this is taking so long.” 

“It’s okay.” She answered, she really didn’t mind. She could already tell that Julian was a bit of a perfectionist and she’s okay with it. 

It only took a couple more minutes and then Julian stepped back, admiring her work on Yaz’s face. 

“Yup, gold definitely suits you.” 

Yaz could swear her cheeks grew a touch darker because she’s certain she blushed. Julian must have noticed, because all she did was smirk and then got up leading Yaz towards the set and handing her a bouquet of similarly golden flowers, except this golden is slightly lighter than the one in her suit (probably so the colours won't mix in the shots). 

She gave Yaz instructions on the first three positions she wanted the photos in and Yaz listened intently and observed Julian’s own body when she demonstrated. Yaz briefly wondered if Julian ever thought about modelling herself. She certainly had the face for it, but most of all, she definitely seemed to have the confidence and the energy. And she’s very handsome. 

Once the explanation was done, Julian went back to being behind the camera and she took it out of the tripod and started going around Yaz to take a couple test shots. Just like she had done that morning, Julian showed Yaz the photographs to ask for her opinion. And once again, Yaz was mesmerised by what she saw on the display screen. She got a burst of excitement all over again just thinking about the end results. 

The fact these photos were going to be shown in an actual exhibition was something Yaz hadn't even processed yet, but she didn't want to think about it just now. At the moment, she was just having fun and working with one of the best photographers she’s ever worked with and with one of the most remarkable people she’s ever had the pleasure to meet. 

After a couple of hours, they finally took a break and before Yaz could move anywhere, a hand was extended to her holding a bottle of water and a chocolate. 

“You should eat something. Keep your sugar levels up.” Julian said kindly, while at the same time directing Yaz to a chair with a hand on her lower back which Yaz didn't mind one bit. 

“What about you?” She asked out of concern because just like her, Julian also had not eaten anything since they went for lunch. 

To quell Yaz’s worries, the blonde took a bottle of water and a chocolate like Yaz’s from her own backpack and immediately opened the bottle to take a sip. It also made Yaz realise that the chocolate in her hand was Julian’s, who was making sure, once again, that Yaz was taken care of. 

They made friendly conversation and at one point Julian was laughing so much, she put her hand on Yaz’s thigh. Yaz didn't mind it, but as soon as Julian noticed she pulled her hand away and made sure not to touch Yaz like that for the remainder of their break. Yaz would be lying if she said she didn't immediately miss the contact. 

They went back to set and Julian explained to Yaz how the other positions were supposed to go. Except Yaz was having difficulty recreating one of them so Julian gave her a helping hand by positioning her hands on Yaz’s hips (after asking for permission, of course). It took everything in Yaz to prevent her knees from becoming jelly. Especially when, once again, her mind started to wander and she started imagining Julian’s hands on her hips guiding her into a position that was very much not work related. Let alone appropriate. 

“Got it? Yaz?” 

“Hm?” Yaz was brought back to the present by the subtle squeeze at her hips “Oh, yeah. Got it. Totally.” 

Julian eyed her for a few seconds before smiling and then stepping away and moving behind the camera again. 

Just a couple more hours Khan. Keep it together. Be professional. But when Julian grabbed the camera and Yaz noticed with no shame how those slender fingers wrapped around the object, her thoughts started to drift again. It was going to be another long session, and they still had drinks to get to afterwards. 

***

Removing all the little stars from her face was proving to be a more difficult mission than both Yaz and Julian had first anticipated. So, even after finishing the session it still took them another half an hour to remove everything from Yaz’s face. But it was a half an hour full of laughter, as the two women were very clearly enjoying each other’s company as they had been all day. 

Once everything was finally off, Yaz went to get changed and clean off the rest of the makeup, while Julian finished cleaning the studio and packing all her camera gear. And no more than an hour later, they were finally making their way towards the bar. Julian had left all her work materials at the studio, as she had to go back the day after anyway and Yaz didn't really have anything much more than her backpack.

So they made their way to the pub by walking, as the place wasn't that far from the studio and all the while they made pleasant conversation. It was amazing to Yaz how, even after a whole day working together and having several moments in between work where they talked a fair bit, they still had stuff to say to each other. And Julian’s laugh was a sound that was easily becoming one of Yaz’s favourite. She purposely tried to tell jokes just to hear that sound more often. 

She was still trying not to dive too deep, because at the end of the day even though they are no longer in a professional context and are grabbing drinks in a more casual manner, Yaz didn’t want to do anything she’d regret. And more than that, she didn’t want to push Julian into anything. Try her luck she might, but all she really wanted was to see where the evening takes them and then go from there. 

When they got to the bar, they found a nice boot in the corner and while Yaz stayed there making sure nobody else took it, Julian was in charge of getting the drinks. From where she was sitting, Yaz could easily spot Julian while she stood in line. She couldn't help her mind wandering again, especially not when Julian looked like that . She had discarded her jacket as soon as they had entered the pub and had rolled her shirt sleeves. 

So now Yaz was left observing her from a distance. How her forearms looked. How her trousers hugged her slim thighs perfectly. And more especially, she could see when Julian looked back, smiling and waving at the woman she had left on the table. Yaz smiled and waved back, feeling her cheeks growing hotter. Did Julian know she was being observed? Yaz wondered if Julian had any idea of the effect she was having on the model. Yaz wondered if she was having any effect on Julian as well. 

Julian came back with both drinks and handed Yaz the lemonade she had asked for, but more than that Julian had also brought some chips. 

“We haven’t eaten in a bit. I ordered some burgers as well but I wasn’t sure about any diet sort of restrictions you might have so I ordered both vegetarian but I can go back and-“

“Julian.” Yaz stopped her rambling (which was honestly quite endearing) by placing a hand on the blonde's arm “Thank you, honestly. That was really thoughtful of you and I’m actually getting quite hungry.” 

That seemed to calm Julian’s nerves because she smiled and took a sip of her drink. They once again fell into easy conversation, and not before long someone brought their burgers through and Yaz dived right in. She really was hungry and she hadn’t realised quite how much until now. 

But in her eagerness she didn’t realise how much sauce there was in it and she got her chin quite messy, very fast. But before she could clean it herself up, Julian grabbed a napkin and reached over to wipe the sauce from Yaz’s chin and Yaz couldn’t do anything except stare at her. 

When Julian pulled away, that's when she seemed to realise what she had just done and her hazel eyes widened, just staring at Yaz’s lips and then at the napkin in her hand, but neither woman said anything and instead just carried on eating their food. 

But at one point Yaz grew curious and she could no longer resist the urge to ask Julian something that she’d been wondering about the whole day.

“So… The photoshoot we did today? Can I ask what’s the meaning behind it?” Yaz bit the bullet, trying her luck. Obviously, if Julian said she didn't want to reveal the true meaning behind it to Yaz, she would absolutely respect it and not push any further. But she had to ask anyway. After all, she was the person in the photographs. 

Julian seemed to take her time to answer, taking various sips of her drink to gather her thoughts but eventually, she conceded an answer to Yaz. 

“It’s about life. And loss. And emotion. I think most of all it is about love. And hope.” Julian had a distant look in her eyes as she spoke and she wasn't looking at Yaz. She was instead looking at the drink in front of her and one of her fingers was drawing invisible circles on the wooden table “The red dress represents love in a world that sometimes feels black and white, with no emotion left in it. And the gold suit represents hope even when everything around feels like darkness. Because love abides in the face of everything. And hope… Hope always prevails, no matter what. Right?” 

She looked at Yaz then, big eyes asked for understanding. For approval. Even though she didn't have to. She had Yaz’s approval since the beginning and even more so now. If Yaz was already impressed by Julian before, now she had gained a newfound admiration for her. Now that she had mentioned the meaning of everything that had been done throughout the day, Yaz could see it. She could visualise what Julian did. And it made so much sense. And she once again felt incredibly proud and grateful to be a part of this project.

She refrained from asking Julian the why of the photoshoot. Why those themes? Why now? She felt like there’s still something very deeply meaningful to Julian about these themes and Yaz felt like she doesn't have the right to ask or to put Julian in that position. 

“Why me, though?” Yaz asked because she was also curious about why Julian had chosen her.

“You were recommended to me.” Was all Julian said and Yaz decided not to ask anything further. For now anyway. 

So, she simply nodded and reached her hand to squeeze Julian’s and smiled at her. The photographer smiled back and once again thanked Yaz. 

“Do you want to dance?” Julian suddenly asked, and grabbed hold of Yaz’s hand again and honestly, how could Yaz ever say no? The song that had just come on was slow enough for them to dance and Julian guided Yaz away from the table (but still close enough they could keep an eye on their things). 

She waited for Yaz’s permission before she put her hands on her hips and Yaz took the hint and wrapped her arms around Julian’s shoulders. It had been a while since she danced with anyone like this and she had to admit it really did feel incredibly nice. The pub was quiet tonight and so far there didn't seem to be anyone who recognised her, so Yaz allowed herself to relax and be guided by Julian who set their dancing pace along with the slow music. 

At one point, one of Julian’s hands moved to rest on Yaz’s lower back and Yaz got closer until their foreheads were resting against each other. Yaz wanted more. She wanted to know how it felt to have Julian closer than this. She had never had such an impulse such as this one, but Julian… There was something about her. 

“Do you wanna go back to mine?” Yaz asked, hopeful. But that hope was immediately crushed when Julian pulled back, eyes wide and she let go of Yaz. 

Yaz immediately removed her arms from around her and she took a good look at Julian’s face, she regretted having asked such a thing. She apologised and went to leave but the photographer grabbed her by the wrist, which made Yaz stop in her tracks. 

“It’s not that I don't want to.” Julian clarified and it made Yaz frown in confusion “But I can't. I’m not- I just-” The blonde sighed and Yaz could tell she was frustrated for not getting the words out right and she was washed in a wave of sympathy towards the other woman. 

“Too soon?” She asked, hope returning to her a little. 

“Just a bit.” Julian confirmed and she squeezed Yaz’s hand and drew small circles on the back of it “But I’d like to keep getting to know you. And talk and hang out and all of that. There’s something about you Yaz.” 

“Okay.” Yaz said, squeezing Julian’s hand back “I have to go to Italy in a couple of days for work but… Maybe when I come back we can arrange something?” 

“No.” Julian shook her head “I’ll meet you in Italy and we can do something there. I’m not gonna wait a week or something to see you again.” 

If Yaz could have kissed her then, she would have. As it was she simply smiled and agreed to Julian meeting her there. They grabbed their stuff and exited the bar and Julian waited with Yaz until her Uber got there. 

When it did and they were saying their goodbyes, both women exchanged phone numbers and then Julian gave Yaz a kiss on the cheek, promising she would let her know what day she’d be flying to Italy to meet her. 

Yaz had travelled a lot for work over the years, but she had a feeling this trip was about to top them all, simply because for part of it, she’d get to spend it in Julian’s company.

Chapter Text

It had been four days since Yaz and Julian had last seen each other and they had been texting almost non-stop since. Yaz had never felt like this about anyone, it was a feeling that was both exhilarating and terrifying. Especially because she didn't exactly know what was going on in Julian’s head. 

She knew there was something Julian was keeping from her which in return was also the reason keeping Julian away from Yaz in the way that, so far, Yaz could only dream of. But Yaz wasn't pushing it. She was enjoying the somewhat slow pace of things and she was enjoying getting to know the photographer.

She has been in Italy for three days now. The work part of the trip was finished today, something Yaz was glad of because she felt quite exhausted. But she was also glad about it because today was the day Julian was travelling down to meet her and they were going to spend the next two days together (although one of those two days was also the day they were travelling back to England, something Yaz was glad they’d arranged to do together).

Doing what during those days however, Yaz had no idea. Julian had apparently been in Venice before and she said Yaz didn't have to worry about anything. Yaz was excited to find out exactly what Julian had planned, though she knew not to expect any funny business. Julian had made it clear at the bar that even though she wants to be with Yaz, something is still holding her back. And Yaz wants to be respectful of that and not push Julian until Julian herself tells Yaz she’s ready. 

Until then, all Yaz really wants is to spend some time together. 

Julian was meant to arrive just after lunch so Yaz was taking her time getting ready. She had just had a shower and was currently finishing getting dressed and then she was gonna do her hair, when there was a knock at the door. She frowned, not really expecting anyone she had no idea who it could be at this hour. It was still early in the morning after all. She crossed the suite that her agent had very kindly arranged and opened the door, being immediately greeted with a smile and big hazel eyes looking at her. 

Julian.

“Hey.” The blonde said softly, shifting from one foot to the other in a way that showed she was nervous. “I’m sorry for showing up earlier than I said I would, but honestly I couldn't wait to see you any longer. I hope that’s okay.” 

She said sheepishly and Yaz couldn't really resist the urge to move forwards and envelop Julian in a hug she’d been craving since last seeing her at the bar. She felt Julian breathe her in and Yaz couldn't help but do the same. Julian’s scent was addicting and Yaz couldn't get enough of it. 

They parted and there was something in Julian’s expression that Yaz couldn't quite decode, but she imagined she had the same kind of expression on her own face. Something akin to lust and desire. A desire they both knew they couldn't have just yet. But Yaz was hopeful that it was going to be worth the wait. 

“I’m really glad you’re here, but I’m not ready yet.” She moved out of the way and gestured for Julian to come into the suite “I was just gonna do my hair.” 

“That’s okay, I’ll wait. No problem.” Julian looked around the room, and hummed in approval “Nice suite. Glad to know Missy gives you the best.” 

“You know Missy?” 

“Known her for a few years, but we don't get along that well.” Julian said, shrugging “Long story.” 

Yaz didn't ask anything else and instead told Julian to make herself comfortable on the sofa and get whatever she wanted from the mini fridge while Yaz went and finished getting ready. 

She was looking at the mirror wondering what to do with her hair and decided to just let it fall naturally over her shoulders. She had spent the last few days with her hair done in all sorts of manners, so it was a good idea to let it breathe a little naturally the remainder of the time. 

That decision proved to be the right one when she emerged and Julian stopped the glass in her hand halfway before it reached her mouth, and took a second look at Yaz. The model couldn't tell what was going through Julian’s mind, the woman was upfront at times but other times she kept her cards close to her chest. This was one of those times apparently, because all Julian did was finish her drink and then smile at Yaz. 

And then she took a step closer and simply said “You look really pretty. I like your hair like that.” 

Yaz felt herself blush from head to toes, even though it wasn't uncommon for Julian to pay her compliments, the effect they had on Yaz was still strong. Julian grabbed her small backpack, and offered her arm to Yaz, which the model gratefully took and they exited the suite arm in arm. 

“Where are we going?” Yaz asked when they were going down in the elevator. 

“It’s a surprise, you’ll see.” Was all Julian said and Yaz felt excited. 

This probably didn't qualify as a date but it had been a while since someone surprised her like this. Travelling to another country to be in her company. Showing up earlier than expected because they wanted to see her. And now taking her out to a mysterious place. Yes, Yaz felt very excited indeed. She couldn't wait to see where the next day and a half were gonna take them. 

***

The restaurant Julian took her was situated on a little corner by the river and Yaz was honestly mesmerised at the beauty and simplicity of it all. She didn’t even know how Julian knew of this place, but she must have come here a few times because when they came in the owner immediately went to greet her and then introduced himself to Yaz. 

Julian had called ahead for a reservation and the owner insisted on giving them the best table in the house. They sat across from each other and after a quick scan of the menu they both decided they’re in the mood for pasta. Yaz hadn't yet had a chance to eat any since arriving in Italy and now felt like a good opportunity. She let Julian choose the wine, and even though Yaz is not a big drinker she decided that tonight she wanted to have some and even though Julian was the one to choose, she still made sure Yaz was okay with it. 

When everything was ordered and all they had to do was wait and go through the starters, Yaz strikes up a conversation. 

“Have you come here a lot then? If the owner knows you and all.” Yaz asked, thinking that’s a safe enough question. She had noticed in the past few days since they’ve been talking, that sometimes she asks something innocently and then Julian’s mood changes the slightest bit. Like she suddenly looks sad. 

“I lived here for a few months last year. Used to come here every weekend.” Julian said and Yaz was left open-mouthed because that was not the answer she was expecting. 

“What made you move here?” 

It was a simple question, with the simple mission of keeping the conversation going. But Julian’s immediate change showed Yaz that the reason the woman had moved here in the first place, was not a topic she wanted to really talk about. 

“I just needed a change of scenario.” Julian shrugged and then immediately changed the subject. “You said you’ve come to Italy before, but is this your first time in Venice?” 

Yaz nodded and carried on the conversation from there. She told Julian about how she had been in Italy, but had instead gone to Rome for a shoot and also Milan for a runaway. She didn't do runaways often, but it was definitely something she’d like to do more of in the future. Especially because it also gave her a chance to travel a little more. She had one booked for LA in a few months and she was properly excited about it. When she told Julian, the photographer widened her eyes in surprise but also amazement. 

“That’s a really big deal. Your family must be really proud.” 

“They are, yeah. I’ve been really lucky, they’re really supportive.” Was all Yaz said deciding not to touch anymore upon the topic of family with the other woman, considering it hadn't gone particularly well the last time. 

They finished their main courses and ordered dessert, both deciding to go for some traditional Italian gelato. While they waited though, they were interrupted by a young girl, no more than 13, coming up to their table. 

“Excuse me, Miss Khan?” The girl called and Yaz looked at her, a smile immediately plastered on her face. 

“Hi. Are you okay sweetheart?” 

“Yeah, I’m really sorry for interrupting. I was wondering if I could have your autograph?” The girl handed Yaz a small notebook and a pen but she looked really sheepish and nervous so Yaz did her best to put her at ease. 

It was not the first time she had young fans coming up to her while she was going about her day to day life. She always tried to be nice and kind to them, although it was easy when the fans were also respectful and didn't push her boundaries. 

“Yaz is fine sweetheart. What’s your name?”

“Mila.” 

“ To Mila… ” Yaz wrote and then scribbled down her signature in a well rehearsed manner “There you go.”

“Oh my god! Thank you so much Mi- Yaz. Thank you Yaz.” 

“That’s okay.” Yaz heard Julian rummage around something, but her attention was on the girl only at the moment “Your english is really good by the way.” 

“Thank you. I’ve been practising. My parents promised to take me to England this christmas so I wanna be able to speak it better.” 

“That’s incredible. You’re already really good.” 

“Thank you. Also… I just wanted to say that you really helped me. Like, really. A lot.” Mila started and Yaz could immediately tell something very emotional and personal was coming “I recently came out to my parents as bisexual and just… You really helped me accept that part of myself. Because you’ve been so open about that part of yourself too and just- Just thank you. Really.” 

It took everything in Yaz not to start crying there and then. It happened a few times before, fans coming to her with their stories and how Yaz had helped them with the part of themselves that the world usually had a hard time accepting. Yaz was still getting to grips with it herself sometimes, but when she saw the impact she had on other people, it was all worth it. 

“Thank you for saying that Mila. It means a lot to me.” Yaz reached out to touch the young girl's arm and Mila smiled at her, asking if she could get a picture with Yaz, which Yaz said yes without second thought. 

“Here, I’ll take it.” Julian said, taking the phone Mila gave to her and she took several photos. Photographer's instinct, Yaz thought, smiling to herself. 

Mila thanked her once again and then went to meet her parents at their table across the restaurant again. When Yaz looked at Julian, the blonde was staring at her with an indecipherable look in her eyes. 

“What?” Yaz asked, suddenly blushing. 

“You really are something special, Yasmin Khan.” 

“Bet you say that to all the women.” Yaz meant it as a joke, but Julian’s expression turned a little darker right then.

“I really don’t. Trust me on that.” And then she smiled the slightest bit at Yaz. 

They finished their desserts and then paid - Julian insisted it was on her and even left an incredibly generous tip and then she offered her arm to Yaz and they left the restaurant together, deciding a walk along the river would be good to settle their full stomachs. 

It was already getting dark by the time they left the restaurant. Having let themselves be carried by conversation and even talked to the owner and chef for a little while. The evening felt warm which in turn made their walk quite pleasant. Julian was telling her about some of the city's history and Yaz could do nothing but listen to her. She was impressed that Julian knew so much about it. But then again, living somewhere for a few months might make you more knowledgeable of its history. 

They stopped at a bench a couple metres from the river and sat, looking at the couples passing on the gondolas. Yaz would like to do that one day with someone special, she thought. Part of her was already hoping that someone special would be the woman currently sitting next to her. But she honestly had no clue where this was going. 

They clearly got along really well. Their conversations came easily and they never ran out of things to talk about. Especially Julian who always seemed to have something to say, which Yaz found incredibly endearing. And there was something between them. Yaz had felt it that first day in the studio and every other time they’ve been this close. Julian had said she couldn't. What that meant, or the reason why, was something still unknown to Yaz. 

“I really enjoyed tonight, Yaz.” Julian said breaking the silence between them and stopping the string of thoughts in Yaz’s head “It’s been lovely.” 

“Me too.” 

“I really like you.” Julian said unexpectedly and Yaz turned to look at her, but Julian was just looking into the distance. “For so long I felt like I couldn't fix myself to anyone. Not after-” She paused in slight panic. Like she was about to reveal something she shouldn't. Or didn't want to. “But with you… With you I think I might. Fix myself, I mean. It's just-” 

She sighed and closed her eyes briefly. Yaz stayed there, just looking at her. Wondering what on Earth had happened to this incredible human, because for the first time, she could see that something really sad had happened to Julian. And that something had changed her, somehow. Made her think long and hard before throwing herself into relationships. Or dating, as it was still way too early to call whatever there was between them a relationship. 

“What am I even saying? God.” She looked to the sky “You probably don't even like me that way. I really don't want to make things awkward because I really do enjoy your company and I just-” 

“Julian.” Yaz interrupted her, placing a hand on the blonde’s knee which finally made her look at Yaz properly “I like you too. And I would like to see what can come out of this.” Yaz gestured between them with her other hand “But not if there’s something keeping you. Not if you’re not ready, for some reason. There’s no rush.” 

Julian seemed to think about that for a second, her hand reaching to Yaz’s and taking hold of it. She ran her thumb across the back of Yaz’s hand and then looked up again to fall into those big brown eyes looking at her. 

“When we go back to England… Would you like to go on a date?” 

Yaz never nodded so fast in her life. Of course she wanted to go on a date with this amazing woman. 

“Yes. Definitely yes.” They smiled at each other. Yaz wasn't expecting a kiss, but Julian still leaned over to place a gentle one on Yaz’s cheek. 

“A date with Yasmin Khan? Amazing.” Julian said and Yaz laughed “Oh, almost forgot.” 

Julian let go of Yaz’s hand to reach into her bag and from there she retrieved a small photograph, handing it to Yaz. 

Yaz took it without saying anything and finally realised what it was: a small polaroid of her talking to Mila earlier. Yaz fought back tears. That had been a really special moment. 

“Julian… Why did you take this?” 

“I just couldn't resist it. I could see it in your eyes then that moment meant a lot to you. I thought you’d want a physical memory of it.” Julian explained looking at the polaroid in Yaz’s hand “And what better memory to keep forever than a photograph?” 

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

They smiled at each other and Yaz put the photo in her purse, next to the one she had taken of Julian a few days ago. She took the blonde’s hand again and rested her head on Julian’s shoulder, finding comfort there. She felt Julian’s head resting on her as well. And they stayed like that, looking at the gondolas in the river and the couples there. All the while, Julian’s thumb kept stroking Yaz’s hand. They couldn't let go. 

Chapter Text

Turned out when they did get back to England, Julian had had a bunch of meetings to organise the exhibition. And then she had to go through the photos to figure out exactly how many were going to be exhibited. 

Of course, she wasn't telling Yaz anything. Yaz had seen a few photographs but she didn't know which ones exactly were gonna make it to the end. She didn't even know the day of the exhibition yet. But it was okay, her and Julian had been talking more and more. Texting each other everyday and the past three days they had taken it to talking on the phone before bed. 

Yaz was really, really, enjoying getting to know Julian even more. She wasn't just one of the most impressive people Yaz had ever met, she also had this childish and fun side that Yaz had a feeling not that many people got to see. She would send Yaz pictures of her looking silly for no other reason other than the fact she knew it would make Yaz smile. 

And Yaz was taking it all in. And she was really excited about this date. She had been thinking about it non-stop ever since Italy. To say she was curious was an understatement. 

And when she asked Julian about what sort of clothes to wear (because she had no idea what the other woman had planned) and Julian had said she should wear some old clothes, Yaz’s curiosity increased tenfold. 

Her phone rang and Yaz frowned looking at the clock. It was still early for Julian to be calling so, it probably wasn't her. When Yaz got her phone and saw the name on the screen, she realised how long it had actually been since she’d last spoken to her friend.

“Yaz, mate!” Came Bill’s voice down the line.

“Hiya, Bill. How’ve you been?” 

“Oh, so nice of you to ask.” Yaz rolled her eyes.

“And you still didn't answer.” 

“I’m good. I was calling to know if you wanna grab some coffee? Say in an hour or something?”  

Yaz bit her lip. Julian was picking her up in about thirty minutes. There’s no way she could go for coffee with Bill, even though she really did miss her friend and was in need of a catch up. She also wasn't sure how much to tell Bill of what was going on between Julian and her. 

“I can't today, I’m sorry. I-” Okay, it was no big deal. She knew she could trust Bill to keep a secret if Yaz asked. After all, she had done it before. “I have a date.” 

“You what?!” Bill spoke so loudly, Yaz actually had to get the phone away from her ear momentarily “Yasmin Khan, you cheeky sod. Were you not gonna tell me?”  

“I’m telling you now.” Yaz shrugged and moved to the kitchen to turn the kettle on. “It's not a big deal.” 

“Not a big deal?! You know what, I’m not even gonna argue with you. I just want to know who’s the lucky person.” Bill said and Yaz groaned “Come on, spill.”  

“It’s Julian.” 

There was silence for nearly a minute and Yaz actually thought her friend had hung up at one point. 

“Julian as in Julian Smith? As in the mysterious photographer who also happens to be a legend?”

The kettle stopped boiling and trapping her phone between her ear and shoulder, Yaz got her cuppa ready. 

“Yes, that Julian. And she’s not mysterious.” Of course that was a bit of a lie. Julian was mysterious. But she was a mystery Yaz was willing to wait and be patient with in order to discover. 

“Oh, you got it bad. I’m not surprised though. Anyone could feel the tension between you two the day you shot together.” That made Yaz smile. Because she had felt it too. But no one other than Julian and Yaz really knew just how much they were starting to like each other. 

Julian had told Yaz she really liked her, but something was holding her back. And whatever that is, it was clear Julian was trying to get past it. After all, she had been the one to invite Yaz on today's date. 

She felt her phone vibrate against her ear and took a look at it, even though Bill was still talking. 

Julian: hey! i’ll be there in 10 x

“Bill, I’ve gotta go. I’m really sorry for not making it today, but maybe over the weekend?”

“Definitely over the weekend, I wanna know everything!” Yaz rolled her eyes, Bill was not just gonna let this go but Yaz was also glad she had someone to talk to about these things when she needed to. Although she was trying to keep whatever was going on (or whatever might still happen) between her and Julian a secret, she knew she’d always have Bill to talk to if she needed. 

They hung up and Yaz finished her tea, shooting a quick text to Julian and went to get ready.

***

“How do you know this place?” Yaz asked once they'd arrived at a small warehouse. She didn't really know what to expect and if she was with any other person she might have thought this was all a little suspicious. 

They were a bit in the middle of nowhere, just on the outskirts of the city and they had taken an Uber here. Julian had said she was having a bad pain day with her ankle and didn't wanna risk driving, which was understandable. 

“A friend of mine owns it. She’s an artist, and likes the quiet when she needs to focus.” Julian said while fishing out the keys for the lock “She’s out of town at the mo though, so she said we can use it.” 

Julian opened the door and guided Yaz inside, immediately turning on the lights. Right away Yaz could see that Julian’s friend was really talented if the art on display was anything to go by. And then she realised she knew this artist. She’d been to one of her museum exhibitions the year before. 

“You’re friends with Amelia Pond?!” Yaz asked in disbelief, because Julian had never mentioned it. And Yaz was friends with Amelia on social media and not once did she remember to ever have seen pictures of her and Julian together. 

“Yeah. We’ve known each other for years.” Julian shrugged and went over to a table to get some painting brushes.

“How did you meet?” 

“College.” Julian said that in a way that showed she didn't want to talk about it anymore. But before she could try and bring the conversation back for just a few more details, the blonde turned to her with her hands on her hips. 

“Right! So, what do you think?” She asked, pointing to the stuff next to her. 

Yaz took a step closer. There were two white blank canvases propped up and a few paint cans around with a bunch of painting brushes. Yaz’s eyes widened in amazement and excitement. 

“Is this a painting date?” Yaz asked, smiling, even though the answer was obvious. Julian was biting her bottom lip in anticipation and Yaz took a step forwards taking her hand and squeezing reassuringly. “Never been on a date like this before.” 

“Is that a good thing?” 

“It’s a very good thing.” Yaz looked down at her clothes. She had chosen some old denim dungarees and an orange tee that she had not used in ages. “It’s a good thing you warned me about clothes.” 

Julian looked at Yaz and then at herself. Julian had come with some ripped jeans and an old band t-shirt, although Yaz did not recognise them. 

“I just wanted you to be prepared. Didn't want you coming here with a proper expensive dress only for it to be ruined.” 

“Could have just taken it off if that were the case.” The words left her mouth before she even had a chance to stop them, but she also realised she didn't care. They were on a date. And flirting was part of dating. 

And when she looked at Julian to find the other woman looking at her with a look that could only be described as hungry, and a tinge of red on her cheeks, Yaz knew what she said had had the desired effect. 

She moved to sit in front of one of the canvases and looked back at Julian who was glued to the spot just looking at Yaz. 

“Are we gonna start then, or what?” That prompted the photographer to finally move and take the seat next to Yaz, in front of the other canvas. 

“So, what I had in mind was we can make both paintings ours. Like, we now paint the background of it. And then we swap the canvas and paint something else. Nothing too big. And then we swap again and the other continues what the other had done before. So in the end, it forms a full picture.” Julian scrunched her face, thinking back on her words “Did that make any sense?” 

Yaz laughed at Julian’s expression. Julian was incredibly attractive, and sometimes that attractiveness translated into cuteness. It was a combination that, so far, Yaz had rarely been able to find in someone quite like this. 

“It did, yeah.” Yaz chuckled “Is there a theme for what we’re painting?” 

Julian seemed to think about it for a minute, but in the end she went with nature. That was a relief. It was the only thing Yaz could paint fairly nicely. She had a few lessons a few years ago, for nothing except to occupy her time and she had learned a couple of things. But she didn't paint regularly. 

It took them both a couple of minutes for each to finally reach for a different colour. Yaz decided to go with a mix of navy and cobalt blue, leaving what came next open to Julian’s interpretation. 

When she finished she looked over at Julian’s, who seemed to be nearly done. The blonde had gone for orange and yellow, creating a visual that immediately reminded Yaz of a sunset. 

So when they swapped canvas, that’s what Yaz went for, drawing a subtle sun setting in the horizon. It didn't take long, but she’s always been a bit of a perfectionist and she wanted to give Julian a little more time. 

When she got her original canvas back however, what met her on the painting was not exactly what she expected. She was expecting Julian to take the blue as either a night sky or the ocean. And Julian went for the latter, but not in a way that Yaz expected. Instead of drawing anything that was ocean related, instead the photographer seemed to have an artistic side as well, because she drew one of those old blue police boxes, in a shade that distinguished the object from everything else around. 

“Alright?” Julian asked from beside her, eyeing Yaz nervously.

“Yeah, it’s just-” Yaz smiled, amused “You’re full of surprises you know that?” 

Julian laughed, and gosh. Yaz was really getting addicted to that sound. What a wonderful thing. 

“I have been told that before, yes.” 

They carried on painting. This time, Yaz did draw some fishes circulating the little police box. She tried to make it look nice, but whether or not she was succeeding she’d never truly know. 

Julian however, seemed to have some hidden talent. Or maybe she had had some lessons of her own because this time she drew a gorgeous cliff onlooking the sunset. 

When they exchanged canvas again, Yaz didn't really know what else to add. So she just drew a little shape that looked like a person on top of the cliff. With their arms stretched open like they were taking it all in. 

But Julian was adding a bunch of tiny little details all around. And Yaz couldn’t stop watching her. She was focusing in that way that made her tongue stick out, and Yaz appreciated the way her fingers delicately held the brush and the way she was gently painting on the canvas. 

But as nice as it was to look at Julian (and it was very nice indeed), Yaz also saw this as an opportunity to mess with her a little and have a bit of fun. So she dipped a bit of her brush on the blue paint and got closer to Julian. 

“You missed a bit.” Julian stopped what she was doing and looked at Yaz.

“What? Wher-” Before she could even finish the question Yaz reached the brush up until there was a thick blue line on Julian’s cheek and Yaz just smiled cheekily. 

“Right there.” 

Just like that Julian’s eyes lighted up like the ones of a child on a christmas morning.

“Oh Yasmin Khan, you're in for it now.” 

Yaz got up immediately to try and get away from her. She still had her brush in hand and soon they were engaged in a paint fight. Julian was covered in blue patches while Yaz had gotten yellow. It was everywhere. Her face, her clothes, her hair. But she didn't care one bit. They were laughing so much and having so much fun. Yaz didn't remember the last time she had laughed this much with anyone. If ever. She certainly had never been on a date as fun as this. 

She lowered her guard down, thinking it was over. Which was clearly a mistake when not two seconds later, slim arms wrapped around her waist and spinned her around.

“Julian Smith!” When the blonde put her down, Yaz finally looked at Julian but was immediately met by a hand completely painted in yellow holding her cheek, making its mark there. But it was a gentle touch.

Yaz could feel the paint under Julian’s palm sticking to her skin and she got closer to her. Julian was not moving away. And Yaz kept getting closer. She felt a thumb brush across her cheek, and felt the paint move with it. 

She must have been a right state, but she didn't care. She kept getting closer. Julian was leaning in slightly, and Yaz was too. And at the last second… 

Julian pulled away. 

Yaz would be lying if she said that didn't sting a bit. She really thought this time something could happen. That she could finally know what Julian’s lips felt like on hers. Or maybe it was still too soon? After all, even though they had spent time together in Italy and have been talkin non-stop, this was still their official first date. Maybe Julian just wasn't ready. Maybe Yaz had assumed too much, and guilt was now settling in her gut. 

“I’m sorry.” She bursted out and took a step back, but Julian grabbed her hand, stopping her from stepping any further. 

“Why are you apologising?” There was genuine concern on the blonde’s face and Yaz could now feel her thumb going over the back of her hand, drawing small circles. “I’m the one who should be sorry.”

“What?”

“I was gonna kiss you. We- We were gonna kiss. And in the last second I-” Julian sighed and she seemed genuinely conflicted and Yaz’s heart went out to her. She took a step closer again and cupped Julian’s cheek, feeling her leaning into the touch. 

“Something is stopping you from taking that step isnt it? Something in your head, or.. Your heart?” Yaz paused, because there was one other thing that had occurred to her, but it was also something she was scared to voice out loud in case it was true. But if she didn't, she’d always be wondering “Or someone else?” 

Julian’s eyes widened at that and she immediately looked away in shame. Oh.  

Yaz lowered her hand and took a step back again, retrieving the hand that Julian was still holding. 

“Do you have someone else Julian? Is that why? Am I just a distraction to you?” 

“What?! No! Yaz, it’s not that.” Julian sounded alarmed and honestly a little hurt. But Yaz needed to know the truth. “I’m not with anyone. I promise you that. You have to believe me, Yaz. Please.” 

She sounded genuine, Yaz had to admit that. But she didn't regret posing the question. Julian sighed and continued speaking before Yaz could put a word in. 

“My past is… It’s complicated. And you… You’re the first person since- That I just feel-” Julian closed her eyes “It’s just complicated. But I promise I’m not leading you on. And I want to tell you about it. I do. I just think I need a little more time.”

Julian had her head down, she’s scratching her palm with her nails trying to get rid of the dry paint there. Yaz got closer again, taking her hand and hooking a finger under her chin so Julian would look at her. 

“A little more time.” Yaz smiled, and Julian smiled back. 

“A little more time.” 

They went back to their paintings, giving them the finishing touches. Julian had added the little underwater police box to the top of the cliff on the sunrise painting as well. She said that, that way, both paintings were connected by something. They both had something in common. 

When Yaz got home later that day, she took out her tool box and found a little nail and a hammer. A few minutes later, the underwater painting was hanging on her living room wall. It belonged there, Yaz thought.

And she was willing to wait for Julian, because Julian was worth the wait. Because Yaz was starting to believe that Julian belonged in her life too.

Chapter Text

“I was thinking of the red dress ones to go here.” Julian pointed and then moved to the other side of the room “And maybe the gold suit ones here.” 

She put her hands on her hips, it was a position of habit and she didn't even realise she did it most of the time. She waited for the other woman’s opinion. 

“Yeah, I think that could work.” Amy stated, patting Julian in the back with a little too much force “What about the other ones?” 

Julian bit her lip. As of late, she had been wondering if she should even go ahead with it. 

“I’m not sure I’m doing that anymore.” Julian said in a small voice because to be quite honest, she’s scared of her friend's reaction. 

“Julian.” Amy said, trying to capture the blonde’s eyes, but Julian looked away. “That’s the reason you wanted to come back.” 

“I know.” 

“It’s the reason you wanted to do this in the first place.” 

“I know.” 

“It’s the reason you specifically asked me for someone who worked with this charity.”

“I know!” Julian yelled, losing her patience. Amy wasn't telling her anything she didn't know already. “Fuck, Amy I know that. Alright? I know.”

Julian sounded exasperated, and Amy hugged her sideways, letting Julian rest her head on her shoulder. 

“What changed Julian? I know you, you wouldnt change your mind or have doubts if nothing had happened.” 

Julian sighed and Amy let go of her. She knew Julian needed space to think sometimes. Expressing her feelings had always been difficult for her, especially in the last few years. 

“Is it Yasmin Khan?” Amy suddenly asked and Julian’s head turned at the sound of the other woman’s name.

“What?” 

“Yasmin Khan.” Amy repeated, taking a step closer to her friend “Something’s different about you since you started going out with her. Is that why you're suddenly having doubts about that part of the exhibition? Did she say something?”

Julian shook her head immediately. 

“Yaz doesnt know. I told her about the meaning behind the photos we took, but she doesn't know what this whole thing is about.”

“Aren't you gonna tell her?” Amy asked softly, she knew how delicate this matter was and she always approached it carefully. “Do you even want to tell her?” 

Julian ran her hand through her hair and nodded towards a little sofa against the wall on the other side of the room, so both friends moved the conversation there. They sat and Julian took another couple of minutes to answer. Her head was a bit of a mess. 

“It’s been three years Amy. I need to move on.” 

“Moving on doesn't mean forgetting.” 

“I know. And I don't want to.” Julian sighed “I really like Yaz. She’s funny and we have such good times together. And she’s kind. She’s so kind. And she knows there’s something I’m not telling her and it’s keeping me from-” 

Julian cut herself off before she could say too much, but as usual Amy saw right through her. 

“Keeping you from what?” 

Julian leaned back, chewing on her thumb and Amy immediately grabbed her hand, moving it away. 

“Me and Yaz nearly kissed. A few times now. And I-” Julian sighed and closed her eyes leaning her head back “I stopped it every time.” 

Amy squeezed her knee gently, reassuringly. She knew this was hard for Julian. She always knew it would be hard when Julian did eventually find someone, for her to let herself follow her heart. Because Amy saw, better than anyone, how broken it had been before. And Julian was still fighting to keep all those pieces together. And giving herself up to someone else, would be putting everything at risk. 

“She would have wanted you to move on, you know?”

“I know.” 

“She always wanted your happiness.” 

“I know.”

“She-”

“Amelia, honestly whatever it was you were about to say my answer is going to be I know. ” Julian glared at her friend, becoming tired of the whole conversation already. 

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” 

“No, it's not- Ugh .” Julian rubbed her eyes with her palms. She just wanted to go home. It was still morning and she had so much to do and she just wanted to go home. “I will talk to Yaz. Eventually. I wanna be with her, but I can't be with her properly when part of my heart still belongs to-”

“I know.” Amy said sympathetically, knowing saying the name was difficult for her friend. “For what it's worth, I think Yaz will understand.” 

“I hope so.” 

***

Going back to an empty flat was something Julian had gotten used to years ago. Didn't mean she still didn't hate it though. Moving to a smaller place had been the right decision however, there had been no point in looking at bigger places when it was just her these days. 

She shook her head trying not to go down that road, knowing that nothing good would come out of it. Maybe she should get a cat. That was an idea. Maybe then the place wouldn't feel so empty. She entertained the thought for a few seconds until she started wondering if Yaz was even a cat person. 

She was thinking way ahead of herself, as usual. She and Yaz had only been on a couple of dates. Well, officially it had only been on one but she liked to think the meal they had together in Italy had counted too. They weren't even in a proper relationship and unless Julian opened herself up to Yaz and told her about what's holding her back, they would never get past whatever it was they were now. And Yaz deserved better than that. 

Julian groaned, getting frustrated and went over to the kitchen to make a cuppa while her laptop turned on. She had a lot of work to do. She still needed to go over at least half the pictures of Yaz’s photoshoot and decide which ones she actually wanted for the exhibition. And then after that she needed to edit them and go over the logistics of the museum to decide which photo should go where and what the ideal size should be. 

She should have probably hired someone to help out. But she wanted - or more like, she needed - to do this by herself. Amy was already being extremely helpful having helped her get the museum on board and finding Yaz. 

“It's very much not your style, all this.” Amy said, sipping her coffee when Julian had finished explaining her idea for this whole project. 

“I know.” She leaned back on her chair, looking over the drafts on the table “But I need to do this Amy. I’ve been away for too long, I don't want to come back doing something in my comfort zone. And this… You know the meaning of this. I need to do it.” 

Amy reached over, squeezing her friend's arm. 

“I know.” She let go of Julian’s arm and took hold of one of the sketches “Who are you thinking for the photos?” 

“I don't know. I’m gonna get Clara Oswald to do the outfits I think. She’s excellent and never let me down in the past. But for the photos… I don't know.” 

Amy seemed to think about this for a second and then she took out her phone, typing something and showing it to Julian.

“How about her?” 

Julian took the phone from her and scrolled for a few seconds but dismissed the idea almost immediately. 

“She’s really beautiful, Amy. But I’m not gonna hire some model for this.” 

Amy scoffed. 

“It’s Yasmin Khan, Julian. She’s one of the best out there.” 

“I just dont think she’s the right one.”

“She’s not just a model. I’ve met her a while back, she’s an actual decent person. She works with several charities and donates a good amount to them as well. And she works with this charity.” That got Julian’s attention, when Amy pushed the phone towards her again showing a picture of Yasmin in the charity website, surrounded by several people that Julian recognised who work there “She’s a good one, Julian. She’ll not let you down.” 

Julian stirred her tea and smiled thinking about that day. It felt like it had been years ago when in fact it had only been a few months since she and Amy had had that conversation. Of course, after that she had gone home and did her own research on Yaz and found out that she really wasn't just a model. 

She had barely looked at any of Yaz’s previous work. Her only focus had been figuring out who Yaz was as a person and what she did find out through research did not disappoint. And then getting to know Yaz properly in these last few weeks was something she didn't anticipate. 

Yes, she had flirted with Yaz quite a bit when they had first met and Yaz had met that flirting unexpectedly, but Julian never thought she would eventually start developing feelings for the other woman. And those feelings were now leaving her more confused than ever. 

She sat at her desk, her laptop was all fired up and ready, and retrieved the harddrive where she was keeping the photos in. There were a lot. She had kinda lost control on how many she was taking. It was easy when she had Yasmin Khan in front of her, looking amazing in each one. And she wanted to have plenty of options to choose from in the end, which now was definitely gonna keep her occupied. 

Thinking about Yaz reminded her that they had not spoken since this morning. Yaz told her she had a small photoshoot booked for today and Julian said she’d be working as well, so they weren't meant to see each other. Still, Julian had found that she and Yaz were talking often even when they were not spending time together. They would text whenever one of them had a bit of time during the day, just to check in on each other. And they would call at night if they were both available. 

It felt easy with Yaz. Julian had been worried that she would feel pressured, trapped, literally any of those unpleasant feelings. But with Yaz it was just easy. They had hit it off almost immediately when they met and more specially during their lunch on that first day. Julian couldn't quite explain what she had felt back then. She wondered if then, she would’ve kissed Yaz if the alarm had not gone off. Part of her wishes she had, part of her is happy they had been interrupted. 

She also had plenty of opportunities to kiss her since then and she wasted them. Her head was too loud. And her heart was too divided. It had been years now she had lost her , but she still thought about her often. One of their last pictures together was sitting on her shelf across the room and Julian leaned back in her chair, looking at the frame. 

They had been so happy together. And if tragedy had not struck they would still be happy together. But life had other plans and now Julian found herself alone. Having made it to the other side but still feeling the pain nonetheless. Albeit less frequently than before. And then Yaz had come into her life and was showing her what it feels like to be happy like that again. 

And Julian wanted nothing more than to take that chance. To grab it with both hands and allow herself to be happy again. Allow someone else to make her feel happy like that again. She knew Amy was right: she would want Julian to be happy. And if Julian ever decided to tell Yaz all about her, she’s sure the model would understand. She had been understanding so far. She hadn't pushed Julian in telling her anything or doing anything. She’s giving Julian the time and space she needs to sort her head out and tell her everything in its own time. 

But Julian also knew she couldn't keep playing these sorts of games with Yaz because Yaz deserved better. Yaz deserved someone who wants to be with her fully, which Julian does. But her head and heart are such a mess. 

Sighing, she moved her now empty cup to the sink and grabbed her laptop, deciding working in her office would be the best today. She opened the files again, not being able to avoid the smile on her face when she accidentally opened a photo of Yaz smiling in between takes, looking directly at the camera. Or at the person behind it. 

She made a mental note to send that photo to Yaz later. She put her loops in to block out all the noise and focused on work for the rest of the afternoon. 

***

Yaz: That’s a really good photo haha I really like it :) x 

Julian: you look really pretty x

Julian: you should post it on your social media 

Julian: if you want i mean 

Yaz: …

Yaz: …

Yaz: maybe i will x

Yaz: although you’re the one who needs to update yours haha  

Julian bit her thumb. Yaz had a point, she hadn't updated her social media in a while and maybe she should. But she also didn't have the following Yaz had and she didn't really like using her socials that much anymore. But.. she was considering. Just not with this photo. 

Julian: i know!! i’ll post something from the exhibition when it comes to it tho x 

Yaz: I’m really excited about it :) You still have to give me the details and everything. I’m going to Paris for the next couple of weeks, remember? I won't see you until then :( 

Julian slapped her forehead. She had completely forgotten Yaz was leaving in a few days for a photoshoot in Paris. She needed to do something as a goodbye, even though it would only be for a couple of weeks and they would probably text and call all the time, she needed to do something. 

She pressed the call button.

“ Hey, you.” Came Yaz’s voice down the line and Julian immediately smiled. 

“Hey. I forgot you were leaving, I’m sorry.” Julian said because she really did feel guilty about forgetting, but as usual, Yaz was more than understanding 

“You’ve been busy with getting everything ready for the exhibition. It’s okay.” Yaz reassured, but Julian wasn't buying it. 

“Still, I’d like to see you before you leave. Say, lunch tomorrow?” 

“You sure you have the time?” 

“I always make time for you Yasmin Khan.” Julian said without hesitation, something that apparently surprised them both if the small intake of breath she heard from Yaz was anything to go by. “And if I didn't have to get everything ready here, I would go to Paris with you.” 

“I know.” She could practically hear Yaz smiling on the other side of the line. Julian was smiling too “I should let you get some rest. But I’ll see you tomorrow?”  

“Definitely. I’ll pick you up!”

“I’ll be at the studio. Can you go there?”

“Yup. Say around 2?”

“ Sounds perfect. Goodnight Julian.”  

“Goodnight, Yaz.” 

They hung up and Julian still had a smile on her face. It was just lunch but she was already feeling butterflies at the simple thought of seeing Yaz. She wasn't gonna have the talk with her yet, that was a long conversation to have before they were not gonna see each other for two weeks. But after the exhibition opening night… That sounded like a good plan. Especially because she knew that Yaz would have questions after it that only Julian could answer. 

Half an hour later, Julian was getting ready to actually get some sleep when her phone lit with a notification. She thought it was a text from Yaz and immediately went to grab it, only to frown when she saw it was actually a notification from instagram. 

[yaz.khan tagged you in a photo]

She opened it and once she saw the photo and read the description she couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. 

It was the photo from earlier, of Yaz wearing the red dress looking just a little above the camera, to the person behind it. To Julian , and smiling the biggest smile. The description read:

one of my favourite shoots x

Julian rarely used social media anymore, and she never commented on anything. But this was Yaz. She looked beautiful in that photo, and she had tagged Julian. The least she could do was reply. 

one of mine too x

Her comment started to get likes by random people, but she didn't care about any of them. She only cared about the fact that a few minutes later, Yaz liked her comment and left another reply. 

Two blue blue hearts. 

Chapter Text

Once again Yaz found herself feeling both nervous and excited at the prospect of meeting Julian. They hadn't seen each other in two weeks - both having been busy with work lately - and today… Today was the day. 

Exhibition day. 

Yaz didn't really know much about it. Julian had not shown her any of the final results of the pictures they had taken. She hadn't told Yaz who was going to be there. There was something else Yaz knew Julian was not telling her, but she was determined not to push the other woman. Although, after the last few weeks Yaz had to admit that sooner or later, Julian would have to take a step forward and actually open up to her. Because Yaz was starting to catch proper feelings for the photographer, but she couldn't keep going if Julian was never going to be brave enough to be honest and tell her what exactly is holding her back. 

But Yaz was an optimist. She knew a bunch of important people were going to be there, but the most important of them all was her family. They had asked Yaz if they would be able to come and as soon as Yaz had mentioned it to Julian, she didn't waste time putting Yaz’s family on the guest list. She claimed that having a supporting family was important, and that they should be able to see Yaz’s work and feel proud of it. That made Yaz’s affection for the other woman immediately grow. 

But right now, she was sat in bed, looking at the dress she was meant to wear later. It was a stunning piece that her sister had helped her pick out. Yes, Yaz had designers that would have been more than happy in making her a dress or anything else Yaz wanted. But tonight felt special and Yaz wanted something that she had picked in the more “normal” way: by actually going into a shop and try things out. 

And it had been a fun day because she had gone with her sister - Sonya - and they managed to enjoy each other's company. Even though all her sister did was push Yaz into telling her more about Julian and what was really happening between them and Yaz had ended up telling her about how Julian had gone to Italy to meet her and about their painting date. She had also made Sonya promise she wouldn't tell their parents about Yaz going on dates with Julian just yet because she didn't want them making any comments or anything of the sort at the exhibition, and her sister had agreed. She understood how important tonight was. 

There were three hours left until Julian was meant to pick her up. Yaz wasn't sure if Julian would be driving or not, because she said she’d been having bad pain days with her foot lately, so most likely they were taking a cab or an uber to the event. Yaz had a car, but when she told Julian she could drive, the photographer had immediately discarded the idea, saying Yaz was the star of the whole thing and deserved to be driven to the museum. Not to mention she knew Yaz was going to wear a dress (though she hadn't seen it yet), and driving in one might not be particularly comfortable, which honestly, Yaz had to admit she had a point. 

Her phone came to life with a notification and Yaz reached for it, immediately smiling when she read the name on the screen. 

Julian: hey gorgeous! i’ll pick you up an hour before the event. it’s a 20 min drive there and we should be the first to arrive

Julian: well. i should be the first to arrive cos i need to make sure everything is perfect and then need to greet people when they start coming

Julian: is that okay with you?

Yaz smiled. Even through text she could tell Julian was nervous. 

Yaz: That sounds fine to me :) 

Yaz: Are you okay? x

Julian: nervous i think

Yaz: That’s normal, babe. It’s a big thing for you x

It takes a while for Julian to answer, but Yaz sees the little three dots appear and disappear on screen. 

Julian: i know 

Julian: …

Julian: at least you’ll be there with me :) x

Yaz smiled, thumbs dancing across the screen. 

Yaz: I will :) I’ll even hold your hand if you need x

Julian: …

Julian: i’d like that x

Julian sent another text saying she’d message Yaz when she was on her way to pick her up, because she needed to go and get ready herself. Yaz had no idea what the photographer was gonna wear and found herself growing curious. Because Julian was the sort of person who didn't seem to care much about clothes or anything, and yet she always looked impeccable. And Julian always looked incredible in them, like all of her clothes had been made specifically for her and her only. Which, Yaz had found out, some of them actually were. 

But Yaz liked how, even though Julian clearly had money, she wasn't arrogant with it. Just like Yaz she used what she had to help others whenever she could. It was something Yaz truly admired.

She smiled thinking about the other woman, which was something that was happening more and more these days. Julian made her happy, there was no denying it. She just hoped things would work out with them. 

Sighing, she decided she might as well tidy up the flat a bit until she needs to start getting ready. Her agent - Missy - had asked if she needed someone to come around to do her makeup or help with dressing or something, but Yaz had refused. She knew this was an important event, but it also felt really personal (especially for Julian), so Yaz wanted to do this herself. She didn't want to go overboard with makeup and outfits. She wanted to keep it more personal, hence why she decided to do her own makeup and had gone out herself to get a dress. 

She was excited about tonight, but she was also getting nervous. Why exactly, she didn't know. But she decided it really was best to just keep herself occupied until then.

***

Julian: hey, just leaving now. be there in like 20 x 

Yaz: Will be waiting x

She put her phone down and went back to her makeup. She had already done her hair, which was falling around her shoulders, her curls shining and soft. She was thinking about getting it cut soon though, she figured a change might be on the horizon. 

Her makeup was simple, just enough to see that she was wearing some but not too much. And her hair was done. All that was left was the dress. 

The material felt soft between her fingers and she immediately got excited to put it on. The dress was of a deep blue and slightly sparkly, though mostly you couldn't tell which Yaz liked. The straps wrapped over her shoulders, leaving most of her back exposed and the front was in a V neckline. There was a slit along her left leg. She put her heels on, the same shade of blue as the dress and then realised she was gonna look slightly taller than Julian. 

Which was okay, Julian had expressed several times how good Yaz looked in heels. Although she had also expressed several times how good Yaz looked in hoodies and more casual clothes. She was convinced Julian was going to always compliment her no matter what Yaz was wearing. Which Yaz loved, because she did the same when it came to the photographer. 

Her phone lit up and she saw a text from Julian, saying she was downstairs and asking Yaz to open the door for her. Yaz frowned, she thought she was meant to meet the other woman outside, but she moved to the door anyway, opening the building doors and letting Julian through. 

She waited at her front door, feeling butterflies all over. She didn't remember the last time someone made her feel quite like this. And to be honest, the more she thought about it, the more she was starting to wonder if anyone had ever made her feel like this. Julian was really something special. 

That butterfly feeling only increased when she finally saw Julian exiting the elevator and Yaz felt her breathing stop. Julian was in a suit. A really, really, nice suit that fit her perfectly in all the right places. And the suit was the same colour as Yaz’s dress even though they had definitely not discussed their outfits so it was a pure coincidence. And also, Julian was holding a bouquet of roses. 

And just like Yaz, Julian stopped everything when she saw her. And then she looked Yaz up and down and smiled the brightest smile. A smile that was only ever reserved for Yaz. She got close to her and placed the gentlest of kisses on Yaz’s cheek. 

“You look absolutely gorgeous, honestly.” She blew a low whistle, looking all over at Yaz again “Jesus christ, Yasmin Khan… You really are something else.” 

Yaz didn't know what to do. She got compliments like that all the time (things that came with the job and all that), but from Julian it always felt different. They felt unique. Because Julian didn't seem like the kind of person who would pay compliments like that to just any pretty woman. It made Yaz feel special. 

Deciding she should probably get her brain back to work, she got closer to Julian, running her hand along the lapels of her blazer. 

“You don't look so bad yourself.” Yaz said and she could swear she saw the blonde’s cheeks turn pink “You’re proper handsome, you know that?” 

Julian was definitely red now and Yaz smiled. 

“These are for you.” Julian presented Yaz the bouquet of roses and smiled at her “I figured it was best to give them to you now so you can put them in water and not have to hold them all night and just-”

“Julian.” Yaz said to stop the other woman from rambling any further and took the flowers from her, immediately giving her a kiss on the cheek “They’re lovely, thank you.” 

They went inside just long enough for Yaz to put the flowers in water. There was no point getting a coat, since she’d be taking it off at the museum and the only other place they were gonna be was the car. Which turned out to be an uber, not because Julian was in a bad pain day with her ankle, but because she couldn't be arsed to park, which was understandable. 

They got into the car and off they went. At one point Yaz got distracted by the city lights outside and before she knew it, she heard a camera shutter go off. When she looked to the side, as she expected, there was a polaroid camera in Julian’s hand. The photographer smiled at her, shaking the little polaroid and after a couple of minutes showed it to Yaz. 

“Keep it.” Yaz told her and Julian smiled, retrieving her wallet and putting the little picture there. 

They were silent for the rest of the way, though at some point Julian had moved closer and put her hand on Yaz’s bare leg - which honestly Yaz didn't mind at all. Julian’s touch was always delicate and she had looked at Yaz to make sure it was okay with her first, and all in all, it was a contact they both needed in that moment. 

When they arrived, Yaz was getting ready to open the door but Julian grabbed her arm. 

“Wait a second.” Yaz frowned. Julian wasn't looking at her, but she had moved her hand until she was holding Yaz’s and was now drawing lazy circles on the back of it. 

“You okay?” 

Julian nodded, and then sighed. Something was definitely not okay. But Yaz waited until the blonde was ready to talk. 

“It’s just- I-” Julian groaned in frustration, and Yaz squeezed her hand in reassurance. 

“Take your time.” She said softly. 

“There’s a part of the exhibition you’re gonna have questions about.” Julian started, and even though Yaz was listening her head was already asking a million different questions. “And I’m going to explain it all to you. I promise. Just not here.” Julian gestured vaguely towards the museum. Yaz understood. “I want you to go back to mine after this, so we can finally talk about some things. And after that- Well… We’ll go from there.” 

“Okay.” Yaz said, reaching over and placing a kiss on Julian’s cheek.

“Okay?” Julian seemed surprised. For some reason she always expected Yaz to put up more of a fight. But Yaz had done relationships before, not that this could be called one, although she hoped that at some point it could. But she was a patient person by nature and she had learned that if something is really worth it, it’s also worth the wait. But she couldn’t risk getting her heart broken before things even started.

“Yes, okay. But I’m holding you to that promise.” She said, looking directly at Julian to make her point across “I’ve been loving spending time with you and getting to know you and everything. You’re amazing, Julian. But I need to know we’re on the same page with this.” She looked at their joint hands, Julian was stroking her thumb “Otherwise I cant keep building my hopes up. Cause if we’re not on the same page and you’re just gonna leave in the end then it’s gonna hurt a lot more. Do you understand that?” 

Julian nodded, but Yaz needed verbal confirmation. 

“I understand Yasmin.” 

“Good.” Yaz smiled and then Julian lifted their hands until her lips were pressed against the back of Yaz’s hand. 

She told Yaz to stay put and then left the car, walking around to the other side and opening the door for Yaz, offering her arm.

“M’lady.” She said in a courtesy, which made Yaz laugh while she took the photographer’s arm. 

“Such a gentleman.”

“Well, I do try.” 

“You nervous?” 

“Now? Yeah. Quite a bit, yeah.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“I know.”

“I’m gonna be by your side the whole time.” 

Julian kissed the top of Yaz’s head.

“Thank you, Yasmin Khan.”

***

The first two hours went by really quick. All they did was greet people and sometimes Yaz stepped back a bit when someone would ask Julian a particular question about a photograph, which Julian was always more than happy to answer.

It was nice to see Julian in her element, talking about her job and being incredibly passionate about it. Almost as nice as watching her actually doing said job. Which she kinda also did throughout the night, because as it turned out, there were cameras around the place and every now and then Julian would take one to snap a particular candid photograph of the people around. 

Yaz figured that the blonde couldn't be away from a camera for long, always needing to capture a certain moment. She thought back to the conversation they had on the first day they met, the one about polaroids and capturing moments as they are. Because in photographs, particularly polaroids, they are forever lived completely untouched. 

Julian wasn't taking any polaroids tonight, but the camera she was using wasn't digital. All the photos were gonna have to be printed as they were taken, something that made Yaz smile when she realised, because that is truly a very Julian thing to do. 

Yaz had also introduced Julian to her family earlier. Her sister unfortunately had not been able to make it, but her parents were both here being very proud of their daughter and chatting away with other guests. 

Yaz was grateful that her dates with Julian had been kept away from the tabloids (and that Sonya had kept her promise and not said anything), so her parents didn't think anything of how close the two women were being. Well, except for her mother probably, who had shot Yaz with a look and a raised eyebrow when she noticed how Julian’s hand had at one point moved to Yaz’s lower back and Yaz was already expecting that sooner or later her mother, Najia, would come to her with the ‘are you two seeing each other’ question. She just hoped that moment would come when she had a more clear idea of where she and Julian were actually gonna go with this. 

But all throughout the night Yaz had seen some people head to a part of the exhibition she was yet to see, although when she had asked Julian if they could go there the blonde had simply told her ‘later’. It was weird, but Yaz trusted her. However, her curiosity did start growing when people would come over to them and talk to Julian about the photographs displayed on the ‘mystery part’, as Yaz had come to call it. 

This was probably the part that Julian had warned Yaz about. The part she said Yaz would have questions. So the model also gave Julian time, because whatever it was, Yaz could tell it was something deeply personal - if the expression on Julian’s face whenever someone mentioned the photographs there was anything to go by. 

And eventually, her patience paid off. She was mid conversation with Amy - who really had some good stories about Julian to tell her apparently - when the blonde got close to them, one of her hands instinctively resting on Yaz’s lower back. 

“Don't believe anything she tells you.” She said pointing towards Amy “All lies.” 

“I was just telling Yaz about the time I dared you to eat a slug and you actually took it seriously.” Amy said and Yaz hid her laughing behind her champagne glass.

“You said if I did you’d wash the dishes for the whole month! That was worth it and besides, spoiler alert, she did not wash the dishes.”

“Worth it for my entertainment. Not River’s though, she didn't kiss you for a whole week.” At that Yaz felt Julian tense beside her and when she looked at her face she was fixing Amy with a look that Yaz would say reassembled anger. 

“Sorry.” Amy said and she squeezed Julian’s shoulder, whispering something in her ear that Yaz couldn’t make out “I’ll go find my husband. It was nice to see you, Yaz.” 

“You too.” Yaz said and then Amy left, leaving the two women alone. Julian’s hand was no longer in Yaz’s lower back and she was definitely feeling the loss of it. 

She knew she probably shouldn't ask this next question. But she had to because it was the only thing on her mind right now. The name River . Julian’s reaction to it. Kissing. She hoped that asking this wouldn't push Julian away, but instead would allow them to move forward. To give Julian an opportunity to walk through the door, because Yaz was starting to think that whatever it was Julian was hiding, it had something to do with this woman. 

“Who’s River?” Yaz asked softly, not touching Julian and just giving her the space to decide on what to do. 

Julian closed her eyes and sighed. When she looked at Yaz all the previous good humour was gone, and instead all Yaz could see was a sort of sadness. Sorrow. Her heart constricted at the sight. Turns out seeing Julian sad was something Yaz did not enjoy in the slightest. 

Julian took Yaz’s glass and put it on a table nearby. She held out her hand for Yaz to take, which the model did. 

“I wanna show you something.” She said and then she was guiding Yaz to the part of the exhibition she had been wondering about all night. 

They were silent, and Julian’s silence was worrying her. But she didn't say anything until they turned the corner and then there it was. Yaz wasn't sure what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that. 

It was just a wall. Covered in polaroids. And all those polaroids featured a woman. A curly haired woman that Yaz couldn't help but feel like she’d seen her before. Julian didn't say anything, but she let go of Yaz’s hand and let her take a look by herself.

Yaz got closer to the wall, examining each photograph individually. A lot of them contained the curly haired woman only, but others had some other people in it. Amy was in a lot of them. But the one other person who was more on them as well, was Julian. She kept looking at them. Some of the photos Yaz could tell were definitely taken by Julian. Others Yaz was assuming had been Amy or her husband. 

The photographs told a story. The story that Julian probably wanted to tell her but hadn’t found the words yet. It was clear that this woman and the photographer had a deep and long relationship. They always looked smiley and cosy in the photos, and Yaz found she wasn't jealous at all, because this woman was also clearly not in Julian’s life anymore. 

She was starting to wonder why… Until she got to the plaque in the middle of the wall. And when she read it she felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes. There wasn't an ending to this story in the photos, but by what was written in the plaque, it was clear it hadn't been a happy one. 

In loving memory of River Song. 

There weren't any dates on it, but Yaz guessed whatever happened it had happened about three years ago. When Julian stopped working. 

She walked towards the blonde, who was looking at her with a look Yaz could now describe as uncertainty. A bit of fear even. She reached a hand up and when Julian didn't give any sign that she was going to step back, Yaz put a hand on the other woman’s cheek, thumb stroking across it. And she kissed the top of her forehead.

And then they looked at each other, Julian inhaled sharply and Yaz kept stroking her cheek.

“Is this what you want to talk about?” Yaz asked in a whisper, so she wasn't overheard by the other couple of people in the room. Julian nodded. 

“Not here.” 

“Later?”

“Later. When this is over.” 

Yaz nodded, she understood. Julian needed to do this in a place she felt comfortable in and somewhere they could talk in complete privacy. She might not know exactly what happened with River, but one thing Yaz could tell is that it still pained Julian to talk about it. However, she said she wanted to tell Yaz.

And just for that Yaz was grateful. It showed that Julian trusted her and Yaz was willing to hear her story. And after that? They would keep moving forwards. 

Chapter Text

It only took another two hours until the exhibition was due to close. And during those two hours Yaz noticed Julian get increasingly restless. And nervous. And sad. Yaz didn't like it. 

More than once she had grabbed the other woman’s hand unprompted and squeezed, trying to reassure her that everything was okay. Julian always smiled a little at her, but Yaz could see that the smile didn't reach her eyes. And she knew that what awaited them at the end of the night was not gonna make it any easier. 

But it was a conversation they needed to have. Well, it was a conversation Julian wanted to have with Yaz and Yaz was more than willing to listen. And she couldn't help but be a tiny bit scared of what this would mean for what happened between them. 

Because maybe Julian was going to tell her she’s not ready to move on after all. And that, as much as she likes Yaz, she still can't bring herself to be with her. Either way, Yaz would respect Julian. It was the least she could do and if the photographer told her she really did just want to remain friends, that was better than nothing. 

It would be hard, yes. Because Yaz had in fact started gaining feelings for the other woman. But she would rather keep Julian as a friend than as nothing at all. And Yaz could now see how hard and confusing all of this might be for Julian too. She needed to hear her version of the story and hear how she still feels about it and how she feels about what’s happening between them. 

Until then, all Yaz can really do is keep holding her hand and keep Julian close. So the blonde knows she’s not alone. And she’ll never be again. 

They said goodbye to the last people still at the museum. Throughout the night, several of them had started to recognise Yaz as the woman in the photos and had come up to her to compliment her or ask for her autograph or take pictures with her. And every time Yaz could feel Julian stare at her, looking at the interactions. She was sure there must be several photos of those moments taken by the blonde. 

One of the times she had caught Julian staring, a soft look in her eyes. And moments like those gave Yaz hope that maybe Julian felt the same for Yaz as Yaz felt for her. But she was torn. To be honest, at this point in time and after what she discovered and guessed about Julian’s past, she really didn't know what was going on in the other woman’s head. 

But she would find out soon. 

She finished her champagne while Julian was talking about something with Amy, and she saw the two women hugging. She wondered if Julian had told Amy about the conversation she was going to have with Yaz later. 

The blonde came back and smiled at Yaz, the same sad smile she had on ever since she’d taken Yaz to see River’s pictures. Yaz put her glass down and took Julian’s hand, kissing her on the cheek like Julian had done with Yaz so many times now. 

“Are you feeling okay?” 

Julian nodded and sighed. Yaz internally cringed at the question. It had been a stupid one, but to her surprise all Julian did was pull her into a tight hug. It took Yaz by surprise at first, but she quickly relaxed into the arms wrapped around her. Julian had never hugged her like this before, and Yaz had a feeling that right now, this was something the other woman truly needed. Some form of contact to reassure her that everything will be okay. 

“I’m really tired from tonight to be honest.” Julian mumbled into Yaz’s shoulder.

“You can go home if you want. I’ll go back to mine and we’ll talk tomorrow.” Yaz suggested, she understood Julian’s tiredness of course. She had spent the last few days - weeks even - working extremely hard to get everything for the exhibition done and tonight had definitely been tiring as well. She had spent hours in conversation with people and just that, Yaz knew it could be exhausting. She couldn't fault her for wanting to get some rest. 

But to Yaz’s relief, Julian pulled away from the hug and shook her head. 

“I said we’d have this conversation tonight and honestly, I don't want to postpone it anymore.” 

“Okay.” 

“Has your family gone yet?” 

“No, they’re just over there.”

“Oh, brilliant.” 

Julian started walking in their direction, dragging Yaz with her by the hand and Yaz just let herself go. She’d have to say goodbye to her parents anyway.

“Mr. and Mrs. Khan.” Julian let go of Yaz’s hand only so she could extend it to Yaz’s dad who gratefully took it “Thank you so much for coming tonight. It means a lot.” She then shook her mom’s hand who, Yaz noticed, was looking at Julian with a puzzled look. 

“Thank you for having us.” Yaz’s mum said, looking between her and Julian. 

“Oh, it was my pleasure Yaz’s mum.”

That made Yaz chuckle and Julian went completely red when she realised what she had just said. 

“I mean Najia. I mean, Mrs. Khan.” Julian scrunched her face in that adorable way of hers which only made Yaz smile more, perfectly knowing her mother was still looking between them “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” Najia said, finally letting go of Julian’s hand “Would you mind if I had a word with my daughter?” 

“Oh, no. Not at all. Of course not.” She put a hand on Yaz’s lower back, guiding her closer to her mother “I’ll wait for you outside.” 

And with that she left, leaving Yaz alone with her parents and wondering what could her mother possibly have to discuss with her that Julian couldn't hear. Although, Yaz was already guessing. 

“So, are you two-”

“I really don’t want to get into it now, mum.” Yaz cut her off, wincing when she saw her mother’s face “Sorry. It’s just… Complicated. I don’t wanna talk about it yet.” 

Her mother nodded in understanding, and Yaz was grateful. 

“For what it’s worth, I like her.” Her dad said and smiled and Yaz smiled back at him. 

“Me too.” 

She and her parents made their way outside where Julian was already waiting with a cab door open for Yaz. Yaz hugged her parents goodbye, saying she’d go around for lunch soon and then went over to Julian. 

***

The journey to Julian’s flat was made in silence, although at some point Yaz had noticed Julian’s leg bouncing and had put a hand on top of it to stop, a gesture the blonde accepted and appreciated. She had placed her hand on top of Yaz’s, interlacing their fingers, and they had made the rest of the journey like that, Yaz feeling the soft brush of Julian’s thumb against her own. 

But now they were finally at Julian’s flat. The photographer let her in, telling Yaz to make herself comfortable on the sofa while she went to make them both a cuppa. While she was gone, Yaz tried to relax a little. She figured Julian was using tea as a distraction from how nervous she felt, and now that they were finally here, Yaz was starting to feel some of that nervousness herself. 

Yaz took off her jacket (it was actually Julian’s jacket, who had insisted on Yaz wearing it because all she had was a dress and Julian didn’t want her getting cold), and folded it neatly on the back of the sofa. She then sat on it, making herself comfortable. She looked around the room admiring the soft colours on the walls and furniture. From where she was sitting, Yaz could see there were a lot of pictures sitting on the shelves on the other side of the living room, but she resisted the curiosity of getting up to see them closer. This was Julian’s home, and Yaz didn’t want to pry.

She took off her heels, realising her feet were killing her. And only a few seconds after, did Julian come back into the room holding two steaming mugs of tea, placing them on the coffee table in front of Yaz. 

“Do you want something more comfortable to wear? Like some joggers or a hoodie or something?” Julian asked and Yaz could immediately tell how nervous she was truly getting. Her hands were very fidgety. 

“I’m okay. Thank you.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.” Yaz patted the place on the sofa next to her, asking Julian to sit and when she did Yaz immediately took her hand “Julian, I’ve already got a rough idea of what happened and… If you don’t want to tell me the whole thing, you don’t have to. I’ll understand.” 

Julian seemed to think about this for a second, and then she lifted Yaz’s hand to place a kiss on it. It was something she did so often, that it didn’t surprise Yaz anymore, although it still gave her butterflies. But Yaz was starting to realise that physical touch really is Julian’s main love language. And honestly, Yaz loved the contact. 

“I really want to tell you everything, but- It’s a lot.”

“I understand.” 

“But also… God, I have feelings for you Yaz.” Julian said and Yaz smiled at her, a small knowing smile at knowing her feelings are reciprocated just as much. “And I want to act on them. I told you before that I do, I want to be with you but I just-” Julian groaned in frustration and Yaz squeezed her hand.

She let it go just so she could grab the cuppas from the table, handing Julian one and they both sat there, taking little sips and in silence. Yaz figured Julian needed a bit to gather her thoughts, and as tired as they both felt, they also didn’t have anywhere else they needed to be. And Yaz didn’t want to be anywhere else except in Julian’s company right now. 

They had been in silence for some time, so it came as a surprise when Julian finally started speaking. There was a gap between them, and Yaz decided to stay where she was. Even though she wanted to get closer to Julian, she knew that the other woman probably needed the little distance now. 

“Her name was River. We were married and happy. Really, really happy. Amy introduced us and we just clicked. I had never felt like that about anyone before. She saw me for exactly who I was and gosh Yaz, I loved her so much. And she loved me. We just understood each other. She was starting her career in archeology and I was starting mine in photography. 

And everywhere she travelled, I travelled. I took the opportunity to expand my horizons and what I photographed. I met people from all around the world and because of that I was able to move my career forwards. And she was always so supportive of it all. Even when I sometimes had to stop travelling with her everywhere, she was still so supportive. She knew this was my passion, and I could never give it up. 

I started photographing people everywhere. Sometimes random ones I met on my travels, sometimes someone would hire me for events, and sometimes models. Those were rare, but those jobs really helped boost my career. And River was always just there. We travelled so much, me and her, sometimes Amy and her husband Rory as well. Us four, we were a family. A family like I had never had before.” 

From her position,  Yaz could already see Julian’s eyes getting glossy and Yaz felt her heart go out to the other woman. But she still resisted the urge to get closer and grab her hand or pull her into a hug. She had a feeling and hoped that by the end of the story, Julian would seek that comforting contact. But for now, she was still keeping her distance. 

“Everything was good. Almost perfect. And then she got sick. Really sick.” Julian swallowed and Yaz imagined it was taking all her strength not to start crying. “She did a year of treatment but- But it just didn’t work. She wasn’t getting any better. That’s when the doctor’s told us she only had a few months left.”

There was a tear rolling down Julian’s cheek, and Yaz could feel her own eyes start to water. This was pretty much what she guessed had happened. But hearing Julian say it out loud still hurts Yaz in a way she wasn’t expecting. She cares about Julian, and hearing this story and how much pain it clearly caused her (and clearly still hurts her), is more difficult than Yaz had anticipated. But she remains quiet and allows Julian to continue. 

“River said that if she only had a few months, she didn’t want to spend them here in England, where it was cold and wet. She wanted to go somewhere hot and sunny and where she could feel the breeze from the ocean. She always loved the sea.” Julian smiled a little at that “So, I found us a beach house on the coast of Spain and we went there. I was still working a few jobs here and there but nothing that would get me too far from where we were living. I didn’t want to leave her for long periods of time. And eventually, I stopped working altogether. I just wanted to be with her. 

She was given a few months, but she ended up living for another year. It was like a miracle. But we knew not to hope for improvements. She wasn’t getting any better. She knew it. I knew it. She wouldn’t make it much longer. We had a nurse coming in everyday and at some point they started staying with us. River needed a type of care that I couldn’t provide, but she refused hospitals. So we compromised with a full time nurse to attend and help with all her medical needs. I was with her through it all. Amy and Rory would come down every few weeks and eventually, rented a place nearby as well. I think they knew the time was coming by that point and wanted to be close. For her, and I think also for me.”

Julian was looking at her hands, touching one of her fingers where Yaz assumed, a wedding ring had once been. 

“One morning, River woke me up asking if we could go down to the beach and see the sunrise. It was really difficult for her to even walk by then, she was always in so much pain. But she insisted, practically begging me. And of course, I could never deny her anything. So, very slowly and carefully, I carried her down to the beach. I wrapped us both in a bunch of blankets, it was always a little chilly at that hour. And I sat with her in my arms, waiting for the sun to arrive. 

When it did, she said something to me. And then she thanked me and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. And then there was just silence. I think she knew what was gonna happen that morning when she woke up. I think part of me knew it too, but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to let her go. So, I stayed there on the beach with her long after the sunrise. I just held her in my arms, I couldn’t let her go. Because if I did, it would make everything real.”

Julian was sobbing now, her words coming out broken. Yaz was crying too, how could she not? When she was listening to a love story with such a tragic ending? And more than that, it was Julian’s story. All this sadness had happened to the woman in front of her. The woman Yaz has feelings for. And seeing Julian hurting was something that was hurting Yaz too. And all she could do for now, was keep listening. 

“The nurse found us a few hours later. She tried to talk to me, at least that’s what I’ve been told. I honestly don’t remember much. I remember Amy by my side some time after, I was still on the beach holding River. There were more people around now. Someone had called an ambulance. They needed to take River’s body. But I couldn’t let her go. Everything is still a blur even after all these years. I only have glimpses of what happened and I know some things because Amy told me. 

They took River, but I didn’t want to leave her so I got in the car. Amy tried to stop me but I went anyway. I started driving. I don’t know where I was going, I don’t remember. But for a moment, a very very tiny moment there, I was with River again. And then the next thing I know I woke up in hospital. Concussion, fractured ribs, broken foot. I got into an accident, wrapped my car around a pole.”

Yaz’s hand was in front of her mouth, trying to hide her shock and the sob that had nearly come out. That explained the pain in the ankle Julian sometimes had. An injury that had never healed properly. But the thought that Julian could have died that day too was enough to make Yaz’s heart break even further than it had so far listening to this story. 

“I just- Couldn’t do much after it all. I lived at Amy and Rory’s for a few months while I recovered from my injuries. The broken foot was worse than originally thought, I had to go through some surgeries and physio and all. And I had to eventually clear the house where I lived in with River during that last year. Amy helped, I honestly don’t think I’d have made it without her. And once everything was taken care of: the house, the funeral, my injuries, River’s will - I left. I stopped work altogether and just went off travelling. Trying to find a new purpose for life. I was grieving, I missed her everyday. 

And for three years I stayed away from England, I didn’t visit any of the cities around the world that I had visited with River. I just couldn’t, it all still hurt too much. And then, a few months ago I woke up before sunrise and decided to go see it. It wasn’t the first time I had done that since that morning with River, but it was the first time I saw the sunrise and smiled. I didn’t feel the usual grief and sadness and pain I once did. I saw the sunrise, I thought about her and I smiled. Because we loved each other so much, and I was so lucky to have met her and I will always cherish our time together. I will always love her. No matter what.” 

Julian was still crying, but Yaz could also see the tiniest smile on her lips now. 

“I came back here, called Amy and told her what I wanted to do. I wanted to go back to work, but I wanted to do something for River. For her memory. I wanted something that was about love and hope and happiness. A reminder that even when everything seems dark, those three things are always there in some form of another. For years now I’ve worked with a charity that helps people with the same illness River had, and I wanted someone who understood the importance of it. I needed someone good for this job, I didn’t just want anyone. And then Amy recommended you.”

She looked directly at Yaz, noticing her tears and got a little closer. 

“I was reluctant at first. I didn’t want to work with a professional model, that was not the main thing for me. I didn’t want to work with someone who was just gonna see this as another job. Even though I couldn’t disclose what this was truly about, I wanted to work with someone who more than anything else, was a kind person. And when I researched you and saw everything you did to help others, I had a feeling this could truly work. That you could truly be the right person to make my vision come true. And you were. Oh, Yasmin Khan you sure were.”

Julian got closer now, taking Yaz’s hand in her own. Softly brushing her thumb on the back of it. 

“When I first saw you… I can’t explain it. It’s like I felt a spark in a way I hadn’t felt in years. And then we nearly kissed on that day, and when we went to the bar you asked me if I wanted to go back to yours and I wanted to say yes. I really did. But there was this voice in the back of my head telling me I couldn’t. That it wasn’t right. But we kept hanging out and talking and gosh… I started to feel things for you Yaz. Things I never thought I’d feel for anyone ever again. Not like this. And it scared me. It still does.”

They looked down at their joined hands, and Julian sighed. 

“Because I’m scared that if I allow myself to be with you, the way that I want to be… Then that means I have to forget her. That I have to let River go for good. And I’m not sure I’m ready to do that. Because I think that part of my heart is always gonna be hers.” 

Julian was avoiding looking at Yaz now. Solely focused on their hands together, rubbing her thumb up and down Yaz’s own. Yaz didn’t understand the pain Julian must have been, fortunately, she had never gone through anything similar herself. But one thing Yaz did know was that she’d never ask Julian to let River go. And she would never ask Julian to do that for her. They stayed in silence for a little, still holding each other’s hands. Yaz tried to gather her thoughts about everything she’d just been told, she knew what she wanted to say to Julian, but she needed to figure out where to start exactly. 

“Julian, I think before anything else I just want to say thank you for trusting me. For telling me what happened. When I can see that it still pains you to talk about. You didn’t need to do that, so thank you.” Julian nodded and Yaz continued “I am so so sorry that you had to go through that loss. River seemed like an amazing person. I wish I could’ve met her.” 

The blonde smiled at that, looking at Yaz.

“She would’ve liked you.” 

For some reason, that statement warmed Yaz’s heart. 

“I also need to say that… I would never, ever, ask you to let River go. I would never ask you to forget her, not for me. And you shouldn’t do it for anyone. Julian, she will always have a part of your heart. You had a life together, you were married for years. You shouldn’t ever let her go completely, you should never remove her from your heart.” Yaz reached her free hand up, placing it on Julian’s chest “She belongs there.” 

Julian started crying properly again, she took the hand that Yaz had on her chest and leaned forward until her head met Yaz’s shoulder. And all Yaz could do was hold her. She let Julian cry on the crook of her neck for what felt like hours. She realised, at that moment, that Yaz was probably the first person the blonde had ever told this story to. Maybe this had been the first time she even spoke about it since it happened. 

So Yaz let her cry as much as she needed. She could feel the wetness from Julian’s tears on her neck, but she didn’t care. She wasn’t going anywhere, all she wanted was to stay exactly where she was and keep holding Julian. 

She didn’t know how long they stood like that, but after a while she felt and heard Julian’s sobs calming down, until she was just sniffing a little still. Yaz was rubbing her back gently, her own chin resting on Julian’s shoulder. She was patient and caring. She was loving. 

Julian finally pulled away, wiping her eyes with her shirt sleeves. She was still in her suit, albeit for the jacket. Her eyes were red and puffy, but it also looked like a weight had been lifted off of her and Yaz wondered how long it had been since Julian had cried. Yaz was resting her hand on the blonde’s leg who looked at her with an apologetic look on her face. 

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise.” Yaz said, but Julian shook her head.

“But I-”

“No.” Yaz said again firmly, getting closer to the other woman and grabbing both her hands “You have nothing to be sorry about Julian. Okay?” 

Julian just nodded, leaning forwards again until her forehead was resting against Yaz’s own. They had been this close before, except this time Yaz knew the prospect of a kiss was off the table. Not after the conversation they just had, not when there’s still things to be talked about. 

They pulled away, but they were still holding hands. Julian was the first one to speak. 

“You understand now why I’m struggling with… Us? I wanna be with you Yaz, gosh. I’m feeling things for you I haven’t felt in so long I actually feel overwhelmed sometimes. And you’re just… So special. And so kind. You are such an amazing human and I don’t know what I’ve done to have someone like you in my life.”

“You deserve to be happy, Julian. So, so happy.” Yaz said, feeling tears in her eyes again but she managed to hold them back. 

“I wanna be happy with you . But you have to understand that- That part of my heart is always going to belong with River. I can’t just let her go. I don’t think I will ever be able to let her go.” Julian looked down now, avoiding Yaz’s eyes “I understand if you don’t accept that. It’s okay. I’ve never told anyone any of this before, but I thought you deserved to know. And if you can’t accept that you’ll always have to share a little of my heart with River, that’s okay. I still want you as a friend. If that’s alright with you.”

The words sat between them for a few minutes, neither of them saying anything. But Yaz was still holding on to Julian’s hand. This woman, this incredible unique woman, meant more to her than Yaz had realised until just now. Listening to Julian giving her an out if Yaz wasn’t okay with accepting a share of her heart, only made Yaz more certain that she wants to be in Julian’s life as more than just a friend. They haven’t known each other for long, it’s true, but sometimes you just meet someone and things simply fall into place. 

The spark Julian mentioned feeling when she first met Yaz, is the same spark Yaz felt. At least, that’s what she’s believing now. And just like Julian, Yaz also wants to be happy with her . And she wants to make Julian happy. She knows she can. And she knows the other woman will never be able to let go of the love that once was, that she’s always going to love River. But Yaz can accept that. It would never even cross her mind to ask Julian to forget River. A love like that, is written in the stars forever. She just hopes that one day, the feelings between her and Julian will be just as strong to earn their own place there. 

“I wouldn’t ask that of you Julian.” That got the blonde’s attention, her eyes immediately meeting Yaz’s, which looked at her in determination and affection “I wouldn’t ask you to let her go. For anyone, certainly not for me. I feel so lucky, you know? So lucky that I’ve met you. That car accident you had… I could have not met you at all. But you’re still here, and I am so glad that you are.” 

Yaz started crying now, just the thought that Julian might’ve been taken away before they ever met pains her. 

“I felt that spark for you too, the day we met. I never felt that for anyone before. I can’t explain it. And your heart… God, I would feel honoured to share it with River. Because your heart is so special Julian. You are so special and I feel so lucky to even have a place in your heart at all. So no, I don’t want to stay just friends. I want more. More time with you.” 

Julian reached her hand up,  brushing a tear from Yaz’s cheek with her thumb and they smiled softly at each other. 

“You’re like the best person I’ve ever met.” 

Yaz said and Julian pulled her into a hug. 

“Oh, Yasmin Khan.” 

She was getting emotional, and she felt like it wasn’t her place to be, so she pulled back and apologised but was immediately met with Julian’s palms on her cheeks, wiping away the rest of the tears. 

“Don’t apologise. It was a lot.” 

“A little. But I’m really, really grateful you told me.” 

Julian nodded and placed a soft kiss on Yaz’s forehead. 

They leaned back on the sofa, Julian putting an arm around Yaz’s shoulders and pulling her close. Yaz wrapped an arm around Julian’s waist, and rested her head against her. They stayed like that for a bit, just in silence, both of them digesting everything that had been said in the last couple of hours. 

“So, what happens now?” Julian said, lightly rubbing Yaz’s arm and Yaz could tell this question left the blonde nervous because she felt her tense up a little. 

“First things first, I wanna take you on a date.” Yaz said and Julian pulled away just a little so she could look at Yaz’s face. They smiled at each other. 

“A date with Yaz? Amazing.” That made Yaz chuckle and she felt those butterflies in her stomach again. “And after that?” 

This time it was Yaz who moved, until she was fully facing Julian. She leaned until her lips were pressed against Julian’s cheek, and when she pulled away she saw the other woman turn completely red. 

“We take it one day at a time. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Thank you.” 

Julian said and she pulled Yaz close again. This conversation had been heavy, but Yaz could already tell Julian was lighter for it. For the first time since she had met her, Yaz could see Julian was relaxed with her. She no longer needed to hide why she was trying to keep some distance from Yaz, she no longer needed to worry about keeping things from her. Yaz knew the truth now, and she was willing to wait for Julian to wrap her head around everything that had been said and then they would take it a step at a time. They had already come incredibly far in the short time they’ve known each other. 

And Julian said she wanted to be with her. To be happy with her . That gave Yaz hope that sooner rather than later, things between them would finally be moving forwards. But like Yaz said, she wasn’t going anywhere. And she was willing to wait a little longer if she had to. 

Julian was worth the wait. 

Chapter Text

Yaz had ended up sleeping over. They had spent a lot of the night talking and by the time they realised the hour, Julian insisted that Yaz stayed instead of going back home. Of course, gentleman as always, Julian had offered her bed to Yaz (which proved to be a fight in itself because Yaz kept saying she’d be fine on the sofa), but eventually they realised that if they were really going forwards with developing their relationship, the whole thing was ridiculous. 

So, they had both ended up sleeping on the bed. Next to each other. Julian had been careful not to touch Yaz at first (not wanting to make the other woman uncomfortable), but quickly Yaz had turned away from Julian and moved until her back was pressed against Julian’s front. She grabbed Julian’s arm and wrapped it around her waist. 

“Is this okay?” Yaz asked, uncertainty in her voice. 

“Yeah.” Julian said, relaxing into the proximity. Something about being with Yaz like this made her feel peaceful. “Perfect.”  

She had held Yaz more closely then, pressing her nose against the back of Yaz’s neck and inhaling her scent. Yaz always smelled good and like this, Julian couldn’t get enough of it. 

She fell asleep not long after, all the events of the evening finally weighing down on her. And as it turned out, sleeping with Yaz in her arms had led to a very peaceful night of sleep, probably the best she had had in ages. 

Julian woke up early, she had always been an early riser, and she immediately noticed that something had changed during the night. One of them had moved. Julian still had her arms wrapped around Yaz, because as it turned out, Yaz was the one who had moved during the night and was now facing Julian. 

And all Julian could really do was lie there, looking at this gorgeous woman in her bed and feeling so deeply grateful that Yaz had come into her life. It was still way too early to put a name to all the feelings she had for Yaz… But she couldn’t ignore the way her heart did somersaults whenever the other woman was near. And more especially now. Gosh, Julian could have stayed here all morning just admiring her. 

The way Yaz’s eyes were moving behind her eyelids, indicating she was dreaming about something. The way her mouth was slightly opened. The way her long curly hair was laid out behind her. Julian tucked a stray piece of hair behind Yaz’s ear and the other woman moved, making Julian immediately stop her movements. 

But she couldn’t resist for long when she felt Yaz’s skin under her hand, so she very gently stroked her thumb across her cheek. 

Yaz really was stunning.

And even though Julian could have happily stayed here all morning just looking at her, she decided that getting some breakfast ready for when Yaz woke up would probably be a very good idea. 

So, very carefully, she got out of bed, making sure that Yaz was well covered with the sheets and comfortable and then she made her way to the kitchen, closing the bedroom door softly behind her so Yaz wouldn’t wake up with any noise Julian might make while cooking. 

After a quick scan through her cupboards, Julian decided you could never go wrong with pancakes. Personally, she preferred having either scrambled eggs or oatmeal to start her day, but she wasn’t sure Yaz liked any of those, so pancakes were the safest choice. 

Though she didn’t really know how to make them, so she looked up a quick recipe online and got to work. The first two were a little burnt, so she decided those would be hers and then she got the hang of things and actually managed to make all the other pancakes come out nice. 

Maybe she would start making them more often. And if Yaz enjoyed them, that was even more reason to do so. That thought made her smile, because she really was hoping things between them would work out. She had a good feeling so far. After all, Yaz didn’t run away after their conversation last night, which until that point, had been one of the possible outcomes in Julian’s head. 

Something she was very glad to be wrong about. And something she also felt slightly guilty for even considering because she clearly wasn’t giving Yaz enough credit. Yasmin Khan was really proving to be one of the kindest and most understanding people she’d ever met. And Julian truly believed something incredibly good could come out of this. Something she never thought she’d have a second chance at. But she was getting way ahead of herself. 

Her mind kept going back to everything she had told Yaz. She never thought she’d have to tell that story to anyone. She never thought she would even want to tell anyone about River. Because she never thought she’d find someone she’d have these sort of feelings for again. 

People always say that the best things happen unexpectedly. Julian had not believed that for the longest time, especially after one of the worst things that’s happened to her came out of nowhere. But maybe to her, Yaz was the exception. Maybe Yaz was the light that finally came after so much time spent in darkness. Shining on her life without warning, reminding her to turn her head to the sun and accept the new life it was giving her. 

And after so long on her own and making plans to stay like that, maybe embracing what life was giving her now was a good idea. And with Yaz it was easy, because Yaz made it like that. Their conversations always flowed naturally. Every second they spent together made Julian’s heart skip beats in the best way possible. Every second in Yaz’s company brought Julian a kind of happiness she didn’t think she could feel again. 

It made her feel guilty at first, to feel like that. Because she felt like she was betraying River in some way. It felt like she was letting her go. But after her conversation with Yaz last night, her heart feels lighter. Because she knows she doesn’t have to forget about River in order to feel happy with Yaz. Her heart is big enough for the both: to preserve the immense love she once felt for River and to grow all the feelings she was starting to have for Yaz. 

There was space for it all. And Yaz, wonderful and understanding Yasmin Khan, would never ask her to let River go. Not now when she knew the whole of what had happened. And Julian was determined to make things between them work. Because at some point she really wanted to be with Yaz, properly. 

That reminded her that Yaz was taking her on a date soon and it made her smile while she flipped a pancake. She was excited to find out what Yaz was planning, already feeling incredibly eager.

Pancakes done, she prepared the table quickly. She wasn’t sure what Yaz would like to drink so she decided to wait for her before preparing anything, but she turned the kettle on anyway. Deciding that pancakes didn’t feel right without some fruit, she went over to the fridge and took out some strawberries, blueberries and then got some bananas from the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter. 

She was chopping all the fruit and putting everything in little bowls when she felt two arms wrap around her waist and a chin resting on her shoulder. She didn’t scare easily and she knew the only person those arms could belong to was Yaz. So, she leaned slightly into the touch and kept with what she was doing. 

“I was wondering where you were. And then I smelled something really good.” Yaz said softly, her voice still tinged with sleep. 

Julian turned her head slightly to place a soft kiss to the side of Yaz’s head and she felt the other woman exhale pleasantly at the touch. Julian had to admit she could really get used to mornings like this. 

“You looked really peaceful sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you. So I decided to get some breakfast ready for when you woke up.” Julian said, chopping the last strawberry and putting it in the bowl. 

She then turned in Yaz’s arms, until they were facing each other and in that moment she really wished kissing was something she and Yaz were already doing, because she very much wanted to right now. But having their first kiss in her kitchen, the morning after they had decided to take things one step at a time, didn’t feel right. She hoped she’d get to kiss Yaz someday soon, but until then a hug would have to do, so she pulled Yaz in until she felt her arms wrap more tightly around her waist. 

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, just enjoying being in each other’s arms and rotating slowly on the spot, like a slow dance. But suddenly Julian pulled away, remembering there’s pancakes on the table and they should really eat them while they’re at least still a little warm. 

“I wasn’t sure what you usually ate for breakfast so I thought pancakes were a good choice. You got chocolate and honey to put on top and obviously some fruit.” She pulled the chair back for Yaz to sit. “What would you like to drink?” 

But Yaz didn’t reply and instead, was just sitting there, staring at the food in front of her. Julian started to get nervous, maybe she had got all of this wrong after all. 

“Shit, you don’t like pancakes. I’m so sorry, I’ll get something else right now. There’s a bakery across the street, they have some delicious stuff. I’ll just pop out and be back in a few min-” 

Yaz got up, this time being the one to pull Julian into a hug. She was shocked at first, but as always, she immediately relaxed into Yaz’s touch. Yaz turned her head and placed a bunch of little kisses on Julian’s cheek and Julian could feel herself grow increasingly red at the affection. Yaz had that effect on her. 

“Does this mean the pancakes are okay then?” 

Yaz laughed and gosh , she might need to have her heart properly checked by a doctor because the velocity to which it was beating could become dangerous. But hearing Yaz laugh might just be worth a few extra beats. 

“Everything is perfect. You… You are something else, Julian Smith.” 

Julian smiled at that, pulling away slightly just so she could look at Yaz properly. The other woman was looking at her with something in her eyes that Julian could only describe as affection. And then she noticed that Yaz’s pupils were a little dark. There was something else there, something that Julian was sure she felt too. And it would be so easy to simply give into it now. She glanced at Yaz’s lips briefly, going back to her eyes almost immediately. 

But before she could overthink things, Yaz pulled away completely going back to the table. Julian was left there looking at the other woman, her heart beating so fast she genuinely thought it was about to jump out of her chest. 

Once she sat down again, Yaz looked at Julian and smiled.

“Coffee would be nice.” 

It took a couple of seconds for Julian to register what Yaz had just said, but once she did, she got to work. Yaz wanted coffee and Julian was determined to make it the best she’d ever had. 

***

Yaz left shortly after breakfast. She still needed to go home before going off to some of her appointments of the day. Julian had given her some of her clothes, just some joggers and a hoodie, so Yaz didn’t have to go back in the dress from last night. 

“It smells like you.” Yaz said, pulling the collar of the hoodie closer to her nose.

“Sorry, do you want something else? I’m sure I can fin-”

“I like it.” 

Yaz smiled softly at her, and Julian felt herself grow warm at the statement, and also at the realisation that she really enjoyed seeing Yaz in her clothes.

Julian still needed to be at the exhibition for the next couple of nights, as some important guests from other countries would be there. Yaz had asked if she needed to come too and even insisted she did, saying she wanted to be there for Julian to which the photographer felt incredibly touched by. 

But she had told Yaz there was no need. The next two nights weren’t gonna be as busy as the first one and Amy was still going to be there, so she had her support. That reminded her that she really needed to call Amy. They should go over how much money they were able to raise from last night alone and contact the charity to let them know how things are going. After all, a large part of the money is going to them. 

So, it was going to be a busy day and she was already missing Yaz. She kept remembering they had a date to go on soon and felt incredibly excited. But she also had no idea when that date would be because both her and Yaz are busy people. Julian has the exhibition running the whole month and Yaz had mentioned earlier at breakfast that she has yet another photoshoot out of the country soon. 

But that wasn’t a problem for Julian. She would travel anywhere in the world to be with Yaz. Much like she did with River. And it helped that Julian loved travelling as well. Something that for long had been tinted by the pain of a previous love, maybe now could be painted with a new one. Julian smiled thinking about it. River always said Julian was an all or nothing kinda person when it came to relationships, and even though what’s happening between her and Yaz cannot yet be called that, she certainly hopes it’s leading towards it. 

She knows how to take things slow and wait for the right moments, but she doesn’t like to devote her time and herself to someone if she’s not willing to put in the work to make things work properly. She would not play with Yaz like that. Yaz deserves someone who’s willing to give her the world. And Julian? Julian was willing to give her the whole universe. 

She looked at the picture of River on her shelf. Her heart now felt like it was in constant conflict of wanting River to still be here but also wanting to be with Yaz. It’s all a bit confusing. If River was still here, she’d never have met Yaz, which pained her. Because Yaz is one of the greatest people she’s ever met. But then, River would still be here. They would still be together and happy. And even though her absence is not something that pained her as much as it once did, it was still painful nonetheless. She wondered if it was ever going to go away. 

But like Julian and Yaz had said in their conversation from last night: being with Yaz doesn’t mean having to let River go completely. Because Julian also knows she’d never be able to do that. River had and always will be her first big love. And Julian was now starting to realise that maybe you’re not given just one big love in your life. And maybe, after all the hurt she had been through, the universe decided she deserved a second chance at it. 

Julian would always, always, love River. But she was starting to realise that her heart was maybe bigger than she had given it credit for. Because it would always hold the love for River, and she hoped that in time, it would become big enough to love Yaz like that too. 

***

“So, you told her everything?” Amy sipped her coffee, waiting for her friend to reply. 

Julian had called her just to say she had spoken to Yaz about it all and of course Amy was immediately at her flat ready to take her out for some coffee so she could hear all about it. 

“Yeah. She deserved to know.” 

“And she didn’t run for the hills after all?” Amy raised an eyebrow and Julian rolled her eyes. 

“No.”

“You know what that means right?” Julian shrugged, drinking her coffee “Come on, don’t be shy. Say it.” 

“Ugh, fine.” Julian leaned back, arms crossed and pouting like a child “You were right.” 

“Hm? Sorry, didn’t catch that.” Oh, Amy was having fun with this for sure. 

“You were right. There. Happy?” 

Amy laughed and that coaxed a smile out of Julian too. 

“I told you Yaz was a good one. That woman just radiates kindness.” Amy said, and Julian nodded in agreement. 

“Yeah, she really does.” As usual she started smiling, something that happened when she thought about Yaz. She couldn’t help it. 

“God, you’re so into her.” Amy smiled behind her cup and Julian looked away, already blushing at the statement. “You know people on the internet are connecting the dots right?”

“What?” That got the blonde’s attention, looking at her friend with wide eyes. 

“Yeah, obviously it’s all just speculation but yeah. Someone posted a pic with Yaz in an Italian restaurant and they said on social media that some blonde woman who was having dinner with Yaz took it. And then there was that little interaction between you two on Yaz’s insta post. And of course, you two looked really cosy during the exhibition. There was hardly any press there, but still…” 

Julian frowned. This was clearly new information to her, she’s not big on social media at the moment and hasn’t been for some time. Her only activity is liking Yaz’s pictures whenever she posts one and to sometimes look up another photographer’s work and stuff like that, but she rarely uses it these days. So, of course she wasn’t aware of all this speculation surrounding her and Yaz. She wonders if Yaz knows anything about it.

“Hey.” Amy said, shaking her arm and taking Julian out of her head “Yaz is pretty famous. Things like this are always bound to happen.” 

“I know.” She agreed but that didn’t mean she had to like it. 

She knew Yaz was a pretty private person with some things and who she was dating was one of them. The last thing Julian wanted was for Yaz to be uncomfortable and she didn’t want Yaz to feel uncomfortable hanging out with Julian in public in fear that the rumours would keep growing. Maybe she needed to talk to the model about this. Get an idea for how she feels about the whole situation and if there’s anything she’d like to do about it. 

“So, what’s gonna happen between you two now?” Amy asked, a smirk on her lips.

“We’re both pretty busy at the moment, with work and all. But Yaz said she wants to take me on a date.” 

“Uuuhhhh.” 

“Don’t start.” Julian rolled her eyes but it was good naturedly.

“Are you nervous?” 

“I’ve been on a date with Yaz already, remember?”

“Yes dummy, but this time is different. This time there’s nothing stopping you from taking the next step.” 

Julian sighed. She was perfectly aware of that, and maybe that was what was making her more nervous about this date than the previous one. The thought and want of kissing Yaz was all well and good, but actually doing it? That was absolutely nerve wracking. Because Julian wanted things to go right and most of all, she wanted things to feel right. And she wanted it all to be good for Yaz. Good for them. 

“We’ll see how things go. I don’t want to push her into anything. She’s been so patient with me, I want things to feel right for the both of us.”

“Okay.” Amy said softly, finishing her drink “How about a walk before we have to go get ready for the exhibition again?” 

“Sounds good.” 

***

It was late when she got home. Somehow, the second night of the exhibition had been more draining than the first one. Maybe not having Yaz there with her this time had made a huge difference. 

Her foot was killing her. Both her feet were, but of course, the one with the old injury was screaming louder than the other and Julian was limping quite a bit as much as she was trying not to. If the pain didn’t ease until tomorrow she might need to use a crutch. It was rare using it, but she still had a pair for emergencies though usually, just one was enough to do the trick. 

Still, she would rather not use it at all so, after discarding her jacket and rolling up her shirt sleeves, she moved to the kitchen to get some frozen peas to serve as an ice pack and then sat down on the sofa. She put her foot up and gently placed the frozen peas on top of it. She was knackered and really needed some rest, but this was also important, so she could wait a bit until going to bed. 

It was late, so when her phone rang briefly with the sound of a notification Julian jumped in surprise a little. Luckily, she had left the device in her trousers pocket so she didn’t have to go far, and when she took it out and saw the name on the screen her lips immediately broke into a smile. 

Yaz: Hey handsome. How was it tonight? x

Julian: exhausting tbh but had a lot of people coming up to me saying the woman in the pictures was gorgeous so got to talk about you a bit x 

Yaz: Only good things I hope x 

Yaz: And everything was okay?

Julian knew this was Yaz’s way of asking if anyone had brought up River. A little of the exhibition was dedicated to her and Julian knew it was inevitable that some people would ask her about it all. 

Julian: always good things when it comes to you xx

Julian: and yeah… amy was there so that helped 

*Yaz liked your reply*

Yaz: That’s good :) Are you okay? X

Julian bit her lip. She could not tell Yaz that she’s actually in a bit of pain. She wouldn’t find out anyway. But Julian never liked lying, especially because if the situation was reversed and Yaz was the one in discomfort, Julian would like to know about it. 

Julian: in a bit of pain actually 

Julian: went for a walk with amy earlier and then was standing the whole night and my foot kinda hurts a bit 

Julian: well it actually kinda hurts a lot but i’m taking care of it

Julian: putting ice on it and everything

She sent a picture of her foot covered with the frozen peas to Yaz so she could see that Julian was really taking care of it. And then she cringed at the amount of messages she’d sent. But luckily, Yaz was not put off in the slightest.

Yaz: Thank you for telling me babe. Is there anything I can do to help? X

Yaz: Also… Are those frozen peas?!

Julian laughed out loud at the second text and felt her heart warm up with the first one. Yaz really had a medicinal effect on her because talking to her was making her forget about the pain completely. 

Julian: honestly just talking to you is helpful enough x 

Julian: and yes, i didn’t have any ice haha 

Yaz sent her an emoji of a woman face palming and Julian laughed again. 

Julian: how was your day anyway? x

Yaz: It was good. Met up with Missy, she has a new photoshoot for me but it’s not for a few months. And my next one is only in a couple of weeks. So until then I’m free :D 

Yaz: We can go on our date x 

At the talk of the date, Julian felt herself grow warm and also very excited. 

Julian: sounds perfect to me :D 

Julian: i have to be at the museum tomorrow but then i don’t need to take care of anything else until monday so how about we go on the weekend? xx 

Yaz: Sounds good :) Saturday?

Julian: perfect x

Yaz: I’ll let you know what time I’ll pick you up x

Julian: looking forward to it already xx

Yaz: Get some rest babe. I’ll call you tomorrow, yes? X

Julian: can’t wait :) 

Julian: goodnight yaz xx

Yaz: Goodnight Julian xx

She put her phone away and removed the frozen peas from her foot, noticing that luckily it did look less swollen now. She put them back in the freezer and got ready for bed. 

Saturday. That was only a couple of days away. In a couple of days she’d be going on another date with Yasmin Khan. She had no idea what awaited her, or what could happen between them then. But she was excited, simply because she’d get to spend time with Yaz.

Chapter Text

“Are you sure what I’m wearing is alright?” Julian asked when they were walking through the park. Yaz knew it was just a way to mask her nervousness, because now it was too late anyway to go back and change outfits. 

“You look good Julian. Different but good.” Yaz smirked when the other woman stopped in her tracks looking down at herself. 

“You sure it’s a good kind of different?” 

Yaz looked at the other woman with the same kind of appreciative look she had when she had first seen her earlier. It was definitely an outfit different from anything she’d seen Julian wear so far. She had gotten used to seeing Julian in suits and expensive looking clothes even when sometimes they were just casual. But this one… Was definitely different but Yaz wasn’t complaining because somehow they still fitted Julian incredibly well. And it somehow fitted her personality. 

She was wearing skinny jeans, ripped on the knees. Her jumper was of a dark red with a rainbow across the chest and she had a long grey coat that almost reached her ankles. The coat looked expensive and when Yaz had touched it, it had felt incredibly soft under her fingers. But the jeans and shirt looked like something one could just randomly find in a charity shop and she briefly wondered if that’s where Julian had indeed got them from. Her feet were covered in brown boots, that by the looks of it had been used quite a bit throughout her life. 

But Julian looked as handsome as ever. And Yaz was starting to realise that, that was just how she saw Julian, no matter what the other woman was wearing, Yaz would always think she’s incredibly handsome. 

“It’s definitely a good kind of different.” Yaz smirked, getting closer and grabbing the other woman by the lapels of her coat, pulling her close. She saw Julian’s eyes briefly drift down to her lips but then almost immediately, moved back up to Yaz’s eyes. Yaz reached her hand up, tucking some hair behind Julian’s ear which exposed an earring Yaz hadn’t seen before. 

The gold of the chain reflected in the sunlight, and it looked like a stunning piece. Julian noticed her staring. 

“It was a birthday present from River.” She said, and Yaz could tell Julian was holding her breath in anticipation of Yaz’s reaction. 

“She had good taste. This is gorgeous.” Yaz kissed Julian’s cheek and grabbed hold of her hand so they could keep walking. 

But instead of simply holding her hand, the photographer interlaced their fingers and Yaz felt her brain short circuit for a moment. Julian was very touchy, something that Yaz actually liked because she also knew the blonde wasn’t like this with everyone. She always needed some sort of physical connection with Yaz, whether that was holding her hand or simply having their knees brushing under the table. 

“So, are you gonna tell me what you’ve planned?” At Yaz’s silence, Julian carried on “Cos I can’t help but notice you brought a very looking filled backpack. And you told me not to bring any expensive cameras, which-”

Yaz stopped in her tracks, looking at the other woman. 

“Please tell me you didn’t bring any expensive cameras, Julian.”

“Wha- No! I haven’t. I promise.” Yaz looked relieved at that which made Julian frown. But of course, even though she didn’t in fact bring an expensive camera (because Julian believed if Yaz had asked her that, then she had a good reason for it), she couldn’t help but bring a tiny one. “I did bring my polaroid camera though. Not the super expensive one, just a little one.”

She saw Yaz smile at that and immediately her heart started to flutter. Yaz had a really pretty smile and Julian could never get enough of seeing it. 

“Of course you did.” 

They walked through the park hand in hand for a few more minutes, Julian letting herself be guided by Yaz. She trusted her and she liked the feeling of their hands together. Julian had done a lot of thinking since that night where they talked about everything, and she was really ready to make things work. 

She still had things she was struggling with. Losing someone the way she did, especially someone who meant that much to her, was always going to leave some scars. Not to mention that the car accident she had right after could have been her end too. She always tried not to think too much about it, because part of her really didn’t mean for it to happen. But there’s a secret part, deep within her, that isn’t so sure. 

And after much thinking (and a few conversations with Amy, because at the end of the day she was always the voice of reason that Julian sometimes lacked), she had made a decision that she knew was going to help her immensely in the long run. And was also going to help her in this, still newfound and growing, relationship with Yaz. Because Yaz deserved it. She deserved a Julian who is capable of giving her the best version of herself. A Julian who works for that version too. 

She was going to talk to Yaz about it all. Probably today, if the opportunity arose. Until then, she just wanted to enjoy this incredible woman’s company and not think about anything else. 

They walked for a little while longer and Julian simply followed Yaz, appreciating their surroundings. The autumn cold was starting to settle in around the country and it could definitely be felt, but it was also a little sunny which made their walk all the more pleasant. 

Julian could see families with children playing around and a few couples having picnics by some trees. That reminded her of the first day she had met Yaz and the other woman had invited her out for lunch and they had ended up having a picnic themselves. Julian had loved that day. Not only because the job she was doing finally made her feel a little more like herself again, but because she had felt that instant drawn to Yaz and she had no idea what it all meant. It had been both terrifying and exhilarating and everyday since then she’s been glad Yaz asked her not only for lunch but for a drink afterwards. 

And after that things kept getting better. Yes, there had been a few times when Julian wasn’t sure anymore whether things between them were going to work or not, because she was still fighting with the part of herself that told her she couldn’t get close like that to someone again. But like she had done since day one, Yaz had surprised her in the best way. 

And now they were walking hand in hand through a beautiful park because they were going on their second official date. Just the thought of that was making her heart flutter and all guiddy. She couldn’t wait to see what Yaz had planned, but honestly, at this point Yaz could’ve told her that all they were going to do was sit on the sofa eating popcorn and watching a movie and Julian would have been more than happy. All she wanted was to spend time with Yaz. 

Although, now that she thought about it, the idea of a comfortable evening on the sofa watching a movie with Yaz was not a bad thought. She’d have to ask the other woman at some point if she’d be up for it. And then she could spend the night again. She had only slept at Julian’s once and the photographer was already missing the other woman’s presence in her bed. 

(And honestly, very deep down, she was hoping that at some point in the future when Yaz did spend the night, they’d be doing more than just movies and sleeping. But that was getting way too ahead of herself. They hadn’t even kissed yet for goodness sake).

Yaz suddenly stopped walking and turned to Julian with a shy smile on her face. Julian realised then that Yaz was nervous about what she might think. 

“Here we are then.” Yaz said and turned around slightly to point at a small rowing boat near the lake “I thought we could have a picnic, on a boat, in the lake. There’s a path just through there…” Julian followed Yaz’s index finger to a path through some trees “It leads to a spot in the middle of the trees and it’s calm and quiet there. I thought we could take the boat there and just- Eat the food and enjoy each other’s company.” 

Julian was at a loss for words because what Yaz had just described was something she was definitely not expecting and it sounded very romantic. Being in a rowing boat with a beautiful woman in a lake surrounded by nature and doing nothing but enjoy each other’s company… Yeah, it all sounded perfect. 

Julian must’ve been quiet for too long though, because Yaz started rambling and it made Julian laugh because rambling was something that she usually did. She had never seen Yaz this nervous before and even though it was quite endearing, she wanted to take the other woman out of her misery and reassure her that everything was amazing. 

And her favourite way of doing that was pulling Yaz into a calming and thigh hug. The other woman’s arms immediately wrapped around her shoulders and she felt fingers gently scratching the baby hairs on the back of her neck. She loved that. It was one of her weaknesses and before she could help herself she purred a little at the sensations. 

Yaz pulled back a little, a smug look on her face.

“You like that?” She asked in a low voice while she kept scratching at the back of Julian’s neck and Julian couldn’t help but close her eyes. 

“It feels really nice. You found my weak spot.” 

Yaz kissed her cheek and took hold of her hand again. 

“I’ll remember that.” 

***

“You were right. This is incredible.” 

Julian had rowed their boat to the spot Yaz had mentioned. There was no one else there and there were trees surrounding the little circular spot, which shielded them from everyone else in the park. It was quiet and calm and private. Something Julian thought Yaz would appreciate. She thought back to what Amy had said a few days ago, how there were rumours going on online about her and Yaz and she wondered if that’s why Yaz tried to find them somewhere they could have a little more privacy. 

She should ask Yaz about it at some point. She would like to hear the other woman’s thoughts on the matter. 

Julian had also been the one to row them to the spot and she was now feeling slightly sweaty, so she decided to take off her coat and roll her sleeves (and she didn’t miss the appreciative look Yaz gave her at the sight of her forearms). But it was the least she could have done and she wanted to feel useful considering Yaz had not only planned this whole date but had also made all the food that she brought in her backpack. 

And she also absolutely did not mind it because Yaz kept looking at her in a certain way. A way that was making Julian’s insides feel all funny but most of all, it was a way that was leaving Julian with a warm feeling throughout her whole body. 

She moved to simply touch Yaz but the boat started wobbling and Julian immediately went back to her seat. They looked at one another and started laughing. 

“I would advise you not to move too much. And better not stand. I don’t trust you not to fall into the lake.” 

“Oi! I’m not that clumsy.” 

Yaz raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything else. Julian could be clumsy at times, it was true. And if she was being honest, she didn’t trust herself not to fall into the lake either. But of course, she’d never admit that to Yaz. 

“I get why you told me not to bring any expensive cameras now.” Was all Julian said and Yaz put her backpack in the middle of them to start unpacking its contents. 

There was still a seat in the middle of them (since they were both sitting on each side of the boat), so Yaz put a picnic blanket on top and then started unloading the food. Julian did her best to help, placing things along the seat and at the same time she realised the amount of effort Yaz had gone through making it all. 

There were little sandwiches, various kinds by the looks of it. And also little containers with fruit. There were some pastries which looked insanely delicious and she made a mental note to ask Yaz where she got them from. And last but not least, there were two delicious looking cupcakes with some very nice frosting on top as well as a chocolate cake the perfect size for two people. Just looking at it all was making Julian’s mouth water. 

“Yaz… This all looks incredible!” Julian said, eyes still roaming over the food appreciating everything “Did you make all these sandwiches?! And the cake?!” 

Yaz nodded, suddenly a timid smile gracing her lips. 

“Yeah, kinda spent the whole last couple of days making it all. My sister helped a bit, but I really tried to make most of it myself.”

Julian’s eyes widened at that. So Yaz hadn't bought the pastries from anywhere after all. She didn’t buy anything from anywhere. She made it all herself. It had been such a long time since someone had put in so much effort into something for her that Julian felt herself growing a little emotional at the gesture.

Something that didn’t go unnoticed by Yaz. 

“Babe, are you okay?” 

The simple pet name made a new redness appear on Julian’s cheeks and it made her feel warm all over again. The effect Yaz had on her was something that once might have scared her, but now she was trying her best to embrace it all. Not that it was hard with Yaz, because she made her feel a kind of way Julian never thought she would again. It was still scary, but in a sort of good way now. Because she knew that if she embraced all the feelings Yaz gave her, something really good would come out of it. 

Yaz was looking at her worriedly and Julian shook her head in amusement, smiling at the wonderful woman in front of her. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just- I can’t believe you did all of this just for a date.”

“There’s no just about this Julian. It’s important to me. To us . And you’re worth this kind of effort, it was my pleasure.” 

They smiled at one another and in that moment Julian really wished they were in a position where she could pull Yaz into a tight hug - and more than that - she wished they were in a position where she’d be able to kiss Yaz. Because right now kinda felt like a good moment, but as it was, all they could do was smile at one another from their respective seats and with a bunch of food in between them. A bunch of food they really needed to start eating. 

***

Apparently, they had both been pretty hungry because it hadn’t taken them long to work through the food. The sandwiches had been as delicious as they had looked, and the pastries were to die for. Julian was pretty sure everything in her mouth was tasting a lot more delicious due to the simple knowledge that Yaz had been the one to make them.

Food made with care (and love) always tasted better. Wasn’t that what people usually said?

All throughout Julian would sometimes take out her camera and snap some pictures and after a while, Yaz started doing the same. They both caught each other in several states of non-photogenic, but they always laughed at the results on the little polaroids.

The cupcakes were next and Julian did what she always does when she eats them: she broke the bottom in half and placed that half on top, making it a little cupcake sandwich. When she was lifting the cake towards her mouth, she catched a glimpse of Yaz looking at her with an amused expression and she stopped with the cupcake halfway to her mouth. 

“What?” She asked but there was a smile already forming on her lips simply by looking at Yaz. 

The model however just shook her head and laughed a little.

“You really are one of a kind Julian Smith.” 

They ate the cupcakes and by the end of it all, they were both pretty full. They decided to save the rest for later tonight. While they were eating and talking about various things, Yaz had broached the subject of one of them sleeping over again and then she had asked Julian if she wanted to spend the night to which the photographer agreed immediately. Maybe the movie night on the sofa wasn’t so far away after all. 

They put the food away and then decided the distance between them was starting to bother them both, so they both sat in the middle seat of the boat to keep its balance. Julian’s arm immediately wrapped around Yaz’s waist, pulling her closer, while Yaz’s head rested on Julian’s shoulder. Yaz also had a hand on Julian’s knee and was drawing little circles on it, something the blonde was very aware of but found to be relaxing. She rested her head on Yaz’s own, moving her thumb up and down on Yaz’s hip and closed her eyes, allowing herself to relax for just a few minutes. 

She had never felt this at peace before. She loved being like this with Yaz, loved feeling close to her like this. Her heart was beating frantically against her ribcage but she didn’t mind. She hoped her heart would always beat like this for Yaz. 

“I’m gonna start therapy soon.” Julian said, surprising even herself because she didn’t think she’d broach the subject right this second. But it feels as good as time as any and she wants and needs Yaz to know just how serious she is about what happens between them and how serious she is about being with Yaz.

“I’ve never done it before, even though I think I should have. But it feels right to do it now. For me. For us . For whatever the future holds. I want to be a better version of myself. One that isn’t drowning in grief, but one that allows themselves to feel that grief while at the same time have hope for the future. Have hope for a new relationship.” 

She didn’t say anything else, and she didn’t push Yaz to say anything either. Yaz was still rubbing slow and gentle circles on Julian’s knee and the blonde was giving her space to process what she’d just been told. 

After a while, Yaz pulled her head back and both women just looked at each other. Although Julian couldn’t hold Yaz’s stare for long, she felt nervous. 

“I’m really, really, proud of you babe.” Yaz said and Julian’s cheeks grew that touch crimson again. Yaz had clearly seen the effect the pet name had on her before and was now using it to her advantage. Though in this case, Julian believed Yaz was using it to ease the tension that had clearly settled on Julian’s shoulders. 

She looked at Yaz only to be immediately met by two brown eyes looking at her lovingly, a small smile presenting itself on her lips and Julian’s heart kept beating frantically, doing backflips and dives. 

“You are?” 

“Yes. It’s not an easy decision to make, believe me, I know.” Yaz chuckled a little but Julian didn’t understand where the joke was. But then something clicked. She wasn’t gonna ask Yaz about it now, but what she had just said was making Julian wonder how much about the subject did Yaz in fact know. Maybe that’s something they’ll be able to discuss one day. “You’re being brave Julian. Accepting that you need that extra help to deal with some things and actually seeking it. I’m just really proud of you for that. And thank you for telling me.” 

“Of course I’d tell you. I want you to know that I’m taking this seriously. I’m doing this for me, mostly. But… I’m doing it for us too. I want to be my best self for me and also for you.” 

Julian could see Yaz’s eyes growing glossy and she imagined hers looked much the same. It wasn’t the most emotional conversation they’d ever had, but it was still emotional nonetheless. They had gotten closer while this conversation was happening. And now they were so close that Julian couldn’t really focus on anything else around her. All she could focus on was Yaz. 

The way her hand had moved from Julian’s knee to her thigh. The way Julian’s hand had moved from Yaz’s hip to her lower back, pulling her a little closer. The way her other hand was now moving upwards, until it was gently resting on Yaz’s neck. 

And then there was Yaz’s face. The way Yaz’s eyes were looking at her full of something that Julian couldn’t quite describe. The way her eyes kept drifting down to Julian’s lips and back up again, the same way Julian’s were doing. The way Yaz’s lips were slightly parted as if in anticipation for something. They were inching closer. 

Their noses were touching and Julian could feel Yaz’s small breaths in her own lips. All she had to do was move an inch closer and their lips would be touching. Just one inch and she’d be finally kissing Yasmin Khan. 

They were so close. 

And then…

BANG

Something had hit their boat, breaking the moment and making them move away from each other significantly to see what - or more like who - had hit them. And as soon as they spotted it, Yaz hid her face against Julian’s shoulder and when Julian realised why Yaz was doing it she felt this instinct to protect her, by wrapping her arms around Yaz’s shoulders. 

A paparazzi. On a small rowing boat like theirs, interrupting their intimate and special moment, by bumping into them and pointing a big camera in their direction. The pap probably didn’t mean to have hit them, probably hoping he could catch them kissing. And then Julian grew angry at the thought, because that was going to be their first kiss and it would never be just theirs. If the pap had captured it on camera, it would be forever out there for everyone to see. 

The man however, did not look sorry at all. 

“Come on, Yasmin. Give us a little kiss for the camera.” He said, a sickening smile on his face but Yaz wasn’t moving away from Julian’s shoulder. And as much as Julian wanted to have a go at the pap about respecting people’s boundaries and privacy, she was more concerned about Yaz. 

“Hey, baby. It’s okay, I’m right here.” She had never called Yaz that before and honestly, she hadn’t planned on it, but it just split and she didn’t regret it because it felt right and also because it finally made Yaz look at her again. 

She couldn’t really gauge what was going on in the other woman’s head. But when Yaz simply said “Julian, please get us out of here. I just wanna go home.” Julian didn’t waste time. Ignoring the man who was still holding a camera in their direction and saying some stupid things, Julian grabbed her coat, draping it around Yaz’s shoulders and pulling the hood over her head. 

And then she rowed them out of there, making sure she wasn’t careful about it and splashing the paparazzi quite a bit with the oars, which he complained about but she blatantly ignored him.

All she cared about right now was getting Yaz away from him and taking her home.

Chapter Text

Yaz was silent as she drove them to her flat. Julian didn’t really know what to say. She just wanted to comfort Yaz. She had told Yaz she didn’t mind driving, but Yaz had insisted she was okay and wanted to drive herself, saying she just needed to go to the comfort of her home. 

Julian understood that. When she herself was going through the hardest of days a few years ago, all she really wanted was to stay in bed. Away from everyone. Sometimes, Amy actually had to come and get her out of bed, otherwise she wouldn’t. But she was really worried about Yaz now. She had never seen her like this and she didn’t exactly know how to proceed. 

During the drive, Yaz had suddenly grabbed Julian’s hand, squeezing reassuringly. She still hadn’t said anything, but she put Julian’s hand on her thigh and let it rest there. It was a physical contact that apparently they were both needing. 

When they were finally in the flat, Yaz closed the door softly and then turned to Julian saying she’d go and change into something more comfortable and Julian went to the kitchen so she could put the kettle on. All she cared about right now was figuring out a way to make Yaz feel better and tea might be one of the many ways to do that. 

Yaz was clearly upset by what had happened at the park. Julian was too, but she was more focused on Yaz’s feelings because Julian had a sense this wasn’t the first time something similar had happened to the model. And that paparazzi was clearly there for Yaz. To take pictures of her and expose something that is theirs and private out into the world. It made Julian angry. 

She knew Yaz was pretty famous (the amount of people her exhibition had been getting everyday because they wanted to see Yaz’s photos proved that much), but she had never thought that something like this could happen when they were together, which maybe was very naive of her. 

Amy had told her there were rumours online about the two of them and Julian wondered if that’s why the pap was apparently following them. And then her mind started wondering if he had been there the whole time, spying on them. It was a thought she would rather not have but she couldn’t help it. If that was the case, there were probably going to be pictures of them in the tabloids the next day (or in just a few hours). People creeping into their lives and getting into things that are meant to be private between Julian and Yaz. They’re not even officially in a relationship yet for gods sake.

While she prepared their teas, Julian was also wondering if this would change anything between them, and she started worrying by chewing her thumb. It shouldn’t affect anything, but she wasn’t sure. Yaz might think differently. Even though Julian is pretty famous herself in her own area of expertise, she never had to deal with paparazzi following her to expose her life. 

But she wanted to be with Yaz, no matter what. That much she knew and even though she knows how expensive cameras are, she was now wishing she’d splashed the man from earlier with even more water. She would do whatever she could to make sure she could protect Yaz from them. 

She must have been pretty distracted, too far into her own head, because she jumped a little when a hand suddenly came resting on her lower back. 

“Just me babe.” Yaz said softly, looking at the mugs ready to be filled on the counter “You okay?” 

Julian didn’t know what to say just yet, so she did the only thing that felt right at the moment. If she couldn’t figure out the right words to comfort Yaz yet, she sure knew the right gesture to do the trick. 

“Can I give you a hug?” 

Yaz nodded, wrapping her arms around Julian’s waist and Julian’s arms immediately wrapped around Yaz’s shoulders. For the first time, Yaz felt really small in Julian’s arms and the blonde couldn’t help but hold her tightly and pressed soft little kisses to the side of Yaz’s head. Which Yaz was apparently enjoying because she kept sighing contentedly. 

“I know it’s your house, but how about you go sit on the sofa and make yourself comfortable while I finish here? We can watch a movie or something? Or I can go home if you wan-”

Yaz pulled away from the hug suddenly, looking Julian in the eyes and the blonde could see Yaz’s eyes shining, like she was trying really hard not to cry. 

“I don’t want you to go.” Yaz said almost in a whisper and Julian could tell there was some uncertainty in her voice and she immediately regretted even planting the idea that she could leave. Because she didn’t want to either.

“I don’t want to go either. I’ll be here as long as you want, baby.” She hadn’t called Yaz that since the park but she liked it. And Yaz must’ve liked it too because she smiled slightly at Julian and then pressed a quick kiss to her cheek, leaving her to finish the tea and telling her she was free to take whatever else she wanted from the cupboards or the fridge. 

It had been a long time since Julian had felt so welcomed in someone else’s home. Someone that wasn’t family - aka Amy and her husband - and she felt a little emotional. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal, Yaz had been at Julian’s house and Julian had made sure Yaz felt comfortable and welcomed in it too. But to Julian it meant a lot. 

And Yaz wanted her to stay. Whether that meant for now or overnight, it didn’t matter. She’d be here as long as Yaz needed. And as long as Yaz wanted. 

The kettle finished boiling and she poured water into both cups, proceeding to open cupboards in search for the actual tea bags. She found them a couple of minutes later as well as some microwave popcorn which she decided might be a good idea for later. Right now, she was still pretty full from the picnic, but if Yaz was hungry Julian wouldn’t hesitate to make something for them if needed. 

She went to get milk and for a moment stopped to look at the pictures on Yaz’s fridge. There was one of two teenage girls that looked like Yaz and Bill. And one of Yaz with a younger girl that sort of reassembled her, so Julian assumed it was Yaz’s sister. And one that Julian assumed was Yaz’s whole family. She stared at that a little longer. 

She had never had a family in the traditional sense, but she was used to that. Her family had started the day she met Amy and she introduced Julian to her own family: Rory, now her husband. And then River. And the four of them had become a family in itself. 

It was a little ironic, Julian thought, that Amy had been the one introducing her to River and Julian had ended up marrying her. And now she had been the one to convince her to give Yaz a chance, drawing them together through work which then led to them growing closer. If Amy had never suggested Yaz, Julian would never even have considered her. 

It was way too early for Julian’s feelings for Yaz to be as strong as her feelings were for River. But everyday she could feel those feelings growing. She could feel her affection for Yaz growing. And she knew those feelings were getting too strong for things to be turned back now. She wanted to be with Yaz. That much, she was already absolutely sure of. 

She finally stopped looking at the pictures and went back to finishing their teas. Yaz was waiting for her. 

***

When she got to the living room, she found Yaz on the sofa with the television on. Except Yaz was not paying any attention to the television and instead was on her phone, scrolling through some app and even from where she was standing Julian could see that Yaz looked upset again. 

“Hey.” Julian said to alert Yaz of her presence. The other woman looked up at her and tried to muster a small smile but Julian could see it was difficult for her. She put the mugs on the coffee table and sat next to Yaz. “What’re you looking at?” She asked, head pointing to Yaz’s phone. 

Yaz sighed, passing the phone to Julian and grabbing her tea from the table. She leaned back and took a sip, looking at the blonde. 

“It's everywhere already.” 

Julian frowned and finally took a look at the screen on the device. She started scrolling down and immediately understood what Yaz meant: photos of them from earlier were already all over the internet. Shared on some news outlet and then people were reposting them. Julian scrolled for a bit, seeing what everyone had written. 

Model Yasmin Khan spotted getting hot and cosy with photographer Julian Smith in the park earlier today

It made Julian sick, seeing pictures of a moment that had been so special and private just there, for everyone now to see. And the worst of it all was the picture of their nearly kiss. ‘Getting hot and cosy’ these people really had no idea. They would believe anything and they would never understand how special of a moment that had been for Julian and Yaz. And they would never know how much things like this clearly affect the model, because when Julian looked at her again she could see Yaz’s eyes shining with unshed tears and the grip she had on her mug. 

Seeing Yaz like this was making Julian’s heart clench, all she wanted was to comfort the other woman, but she didn’t know what she could say that would make her feel better and before she could even say anything, Yaz beat her to it. 

“I understand if you want to stop this now.” Yaz said and she wasn’t looking at Julian, but the photographer's eyes were now on nothing but Yaz, with a deep frown between her eyebrows “This between us. If you want to stop it now, I get it. I won’t blame you.” 

“Yaz… Wha-”

“Being with me… Things like what happened today are always bound to happen… I was hoping maybe this time could be different… But apparently not so if you think this is something you can’t handle I’m giving you an out now. It’s okay. You wouldn’t be the first… I won’t hold it against you.” 

Julian was at a loss for words even more now. And the space between them felt even more distant now than it had before. So, she did the only thing she could when she didn’t know what to say. She did what she always did when she needed to show someone how much she truly cared about them. She closed the distance between them and, with her thumb and index finger, she gently cupped Yaz’s chin and turned her face until Yaz was looking at her. 

“Yasmin Khan… I’m not going anywhere.” Julian started and then she let her heart take over, the words spilling from her mouth like a fountain “Meeting you has been one of the best things that’s happened to me in a long time. And I’m not going to throw it all away now because of some pictures. I’m sorry if there was someone in your life before who left you because they couldn’t handle it. But I can. I will . Because you are worth it.”

Yaz put her cup down on the table again and turned fully to Julian, who grabbed Yaz’s face in her hands, whipping away the tears that were running down the models cheeks. 

“I’m not going anywhere. Okay?” 

Yaz nodded, smiling. A happier smile this time and Julian found herself smiling back. She could never resist smiling back at this woman. 

“There were rumours online… About us. I think that’s why someone was following us today.” 

Julian nodded slightly. 

“I know. Amy told me.” 

She let go of Yaz’s face, only to put her hands on Yaz’s hips instead and Yaz shuffled a little closer. 

“I’m sorry that pap ruined our moment though.”

“Don’t apologise. It wasn’t your fault.” Yaz nodded “And we’ll have more moments.” 

At that, Julian moved to finally take a sip of her tea which was still sitting on the coffee table and probably cold by now, when she spotted a vinyl player across the room and an idea came to her. Maybe their next moment would come sooner rather than later, but more important than that right now, it seemed like a good thing to do to help Yaz relax a little. 

Julian moved to the player and looked through Yaz’s collection until she found something she recognised and put it on. A slow beat filled the room and she walked over to Yaz again, extending her hand to the other woman.

“Yasmin Khan, will you give me this dance?” She said with a smile on her lips, which only grew bigger when Yaz laughed, taking Julian’s hand and allowing the photographer to pull her away from the sofa and into her arms instead. 

Julian’s hands came to rest on Yaz’s hips but she didn’t pull her towards her, instead allowing Yaz to dictate their proximity. Luckily, much like Julian, the model liked it when they were close. So Yaz wrapped her arms around Julian’s shoulders and closed the distance between them, letting herself be guided by Julian. 

The song Julian had chosen was slow, so she simply moved them in a circle almost on the spot. It was not really meant to be a real dance, it was simply something that would help them - especially Yaz - relax after the events from earlier. Something that was clearly working because Yaz rested her head on Julian’s shoulder and exhaled deeply. 

One of Julian’s hands moved to Yaz’s lower back, stroking softly and Yaz hummed in contentment. And then the blonde rested her chin on Yaz’s shoulder too and they allowed themselves to just stay like that for a little bit. Simply enjoying being in each other’s arms, close and warm, swaying on the spot like nothing else in the world mattered. 

Yaz was the first to break the silent bubble that had formed around them. 

“I think I’m starting to fall in love with you.” Julian felt Yaz tense as she said it, like the other woman hadn’t planned on telling Julian about these feelings. But Yaz kept going nonetheless. “I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have said it. But… I really do like you. A lot, a lot. More than I ever thought I would, and falling faster than I ever did before. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.” 

Yaz tried to pull away, but Julian didn’t let her. She wrapped her arms around Yaz’s waist and pulled closer again. They removed their heads from each other’s shoulders and looked each other in the eyes. 

Julian could see Yaz was nervous and scared of what she had just admitted. And Julian felt that maybe she should feel the same. And it surprised even herself that she didn’t. She suddenly felt a lightness in her heart and body at knowing Yaz was falling in love with her. Because Julian was pretty sure she was falling in love with Yaz too. 

She moved one of her hands to cup Yaz’s face.

“That’s good.” Julian said, stroking Yaz’s cheek with her thumb softly. Yaz smiled at her. A little smile. A hopeful smile. 

“Yeah?” 

Julian leaned her head until their foreheads were against each other, she could feel Yaz’s breaths on her own face. On her own lips. The music was still playing, but at this moment all Julian could hear was the sound of her own heart beating frantically inside her chest. 

She felt Yaz’s hands moving until she was cupping Julian’s neck. Pulling closer, slowly. 

“Definitely good.” Julian said, and with every word she could almost feel her lips brushing Yaz’s. Almost. “Cause I think I might be falling for you too.” 

She couldn’t say the word ‘love ’. Not yet anyway. And she hoped Yaz understood what Julian was trying to say nonetheless. And judging by the light scratching of nails in the back of her neck, Yaz definitely understood. 

She’s not sure who finally closed the distance. But the next thing she knew, her lips were pressed against Yaz’s in a soft kiss. It wasn’t desperate and rough as she sometimes imagined it would be. It didn’t feel like kissing someone for the first time. Kissing Yaz felt familiar. It felt like coming home . 

They broke the kiss and looked at each other, her thumb stroking Yaz’s cheek softly and then they both smiled at one another. And gosh, Julian really could never resist Yaz's smile. And that’s what pulled her in again and she leaned until her lips were once again on Yaz’s. And the kiss this time felt more passionate, and Julian’s hand moved from Yaz’s cheek to her waist pulling her even closer. 

And Yaz’s hands moved from Julian’s neck to wrap completely around her shoulders. There was no space between them, and the music was still playing in the background but nothing else mattered in that moment. 

They had both been waiting for this to happen. They have both wanted to make it happen and the time was never right, or was always interrupted. But right now, in Yaz’s flat, just the two of them, this was their moment. 

When they finally pulled away, Julian immediately broke into a smile that was matched by the woman in her arms. 

“Wow.” 

Yaz laughed, her hand immediately going back to scratch at the baby hairs on the back of the blonde’s neck. 

“Wow indeed.” 

Julian started moving them to the music again, just little circles on the spot. She didn’t want this moment to end. She didn’t want this with Yaz to end. And then she did something she hadn’t planned on doing just yet, and certainly not after their very first kiss. But it also felt right and hopefully Yaz wouldn’t think she was taking things too far already. But they were falling in love with each other. They had both admitted it. And this… This was one of the few things in a very long time that felt right to her. 

“Will you be my girlfriend?” Julian listened to herself asking and then she waited in anticipation while she gauged Yaz’s reactions. She couldn’t really tell what the other woman was thinking. She didn’t seem surprised, which was a relief, because maybe it meant she had been hoping for one of them to take this step. 

They kept dancing but Julian remained quiet. She wanted to give Yaz space to think and gather her feelings about it, but she was hopeful. Because if Yaz’s answer was no then she would have said so immediately. Although, if her answer was no she might be taking her time to figure out how to let down Julian gently. And just like that her confidence started to slip away. 

But before she could start rambling or allow her brain to spiral, Yaz reached up a bit and closed the distance between them once again in a soft kiss.

“What does this mean?” She asked, because she needed to hear Yaz say it. She needed verbal confirmation. 

Yaz laughed and pulled Julian down again for another kiss. She could get used to this. Kissing Yaz was everything she had imagined and more. 

“Of course I’ll be your girlfriend, silly.” Yaz said, smiling softly at the woman in front of her. Yaz was looking at her with the same hunger and desire she had on the day they first met, the same desire and hunger Julian had felt. Except this time, those feelings were accompanied by something new and still fragile. Something that was theirs to take care of and grow together: love . 

Julian felt something in her chest burst at that moment, and the only way she could put that sudden energy to good use was to lift Yaz and spin them around. Much like she had done in their painting date. Yaz squealed and laughed at the sudden movement. 

“Julian!” 

When Julian finally put her down, she immediately pulled Yaz into a more heated kiss. She knew she couldn’t go too far, that was not what this time was about and now that they were in an actual proper relationship, she knew that sooner or later they would experience everything that was part of it. But for now, after the events of the day, they needed some quiet time, some time to relax. And everything else would come and happen in time. There was no rush. At this moment in time, they had the rest of their lives ahead of them. 

Julian hoped Yaz was going to be a part of hers for a long while to come. 

***

A few hours later, they’re both lying on the sofa while the end movie credits rolled on the screen. The popcorn was long gone and Yaz had been asleep for the last half hour of the movie, but Julian didn’t want to move so she didn’t disturb her. She could tell once they had sat down for the film that Yaz was suddenly tired, but she had insisted she could stay awake. 

And not even twenty minutes later, they had rearranged their positions until Yaz was lying between Julian’s legs with Julian’s arms wrapped around her and she had fallen asleep with her head on the photographer’s chest. 

Julian liked this position. She could feel Yaz’s breathing and get a good look at her face. She looked peaceful and happy and Julian couldn’t resist placing a small and soft kiss to the top of Yaz’s head. She had been doing it ever since they positioned themselves like this. 

But she knew they couldn’t stay like that the whole night so, as gently as she could, she woke up Yaz and told her the movie was over and they should go to bed. At this point, Julian staying over was no longer in question. Yaz had asked her to stay, and Julian wasn’t planning on going anywhere anytime soon. There were no plans for the next day, and she was already thinking about getting up early to make Yaz some breakfast. 

They made their way to the bedroom, Julian had never been here before but she didn’t look around too much and instead accepted the t-shirt and toothbrush Yaz was giving her and they both got their night routines done. Julian realised that Yaz hadn’t given her any bottom pyjamas, which was fine. Julian liked to sleep in boxers anyway. 

When they got into bed, unlike the awkwardness they’d felt the first time they had slept together in Julian’s bed, this time there was nothing of the sort. Julian immediately put one arm under Yaz’s pillow and wrapped the other around her waist, pulling Yaz closer. 

Yaz turned her head slight so they could kiss each other goodnight. Yaz was clearly tired and immediately settled back, pressing herself against Julian’s front and holding the hand of the arm that was wrapped around her. 

Julian kissed the back of Yaz’s neck and it didn’t take long for Yaz to fall asleep. Julian always took a little longer though, so for a while she simply lay there, feeling Yaz in her arms and the subtle sounds of her breathing. 

She hadn’t felt for anyone the way she felt about Yaz for years. And it was feelings that not that long ago would’ve scared her. They still did sometimes, but not because she was scared of feeling them. But instead because she never thought she would again, not this intensely. Not this fast.

And right here, with her arms wrapped around the woman she was falling in love with day by day, Julian realised that maybe you can have more than one great love during your lifetime. And River had been the first and it was a love that was always going to live within her. 

But Yaz… Yaz was definitely her second true love. And Julian hoped she would be the last. Because whenever she started thinking about the future, she realised that the one constant was Yaz. 

For the first time in a long time, she felt home.

Chapter Text

4 months later 

Julian was sitting in front of her computer staring at that email again. She had gotten it a few days ago and had not yet been able to reply. One, because she didn’t know what to say or think about it. And second, because this was something she needed to discuss with Yaz and she hadn’t yet figured out a way to bring up the subject. 

The exhibition she had done in River’s memory and with Yaz’s photos, had been doing so well that they had only closed it a few weeks ago - a whole two months more than it was originally intended - and now… Now a gallery in none other than New York was asking Julian if she’d be interested in taking the exhibition there. It was a big decision and even though Julian would not be required to be there the whole time, she’d have to go for at least two months to get everything ready and be present on the first few weeks of opening it. 

It was a decision she could not make lightly, but it was a huge and unique opportunity. Ever since the opening night of the exhibition in England, Julian had been getting more and more job opportunities, she was photographing a lot of models for several LGBTQ+ campaigns and events (and the best part is that Yaz had been apart of some of those as well), and she was being hired to photograph things she never thought she’d get the chance. Yaz had convinced her to set up a proper portfolio online so more people could see her work and she had just started a new part time job at a university. Life was exciting, and best of all, she now got to share her everyday with Yaz. 

Just a couple of days ago, Julian had finally finished unpacking everything and they had officially moved in together. They had agreed to move to Yaz’s flat - which was now their flat - simply because it was bigger and more central making it easier for both of them to get anywhere they wanted. 

It was also a decision that hadn’t come lightly, but loving Yaz was something that came so easily to her that when Yaz had posed the question, Julian didn’t hesitate in saying yes. She hoped one day, she would ask Yaz a completely different question and the other woman would say ‘yes’ just as easily. She smiled, thinking about it. It was something that was still a while away, but she never expected to find someone again with whom she wanted to share her life like that. Moving in together had already been a huge step for them both, and everything else would come in time. 

Which makes this New York thing all the more difficult. Because she doesn’t want to leave Yaz for two months and she can’t possibly ask Yaz to leave her life for two months either. She knows her girlfriend has jobs booked and it wouldn’t be fair of Julian to ask that of her. But they share a life together now, so Julian cannot also make the decision by herself without knowing Yaz’s thoughts on the matter. 

Yaz had a photoshoot today as well as an interview, and Julian wasn’t sure what time Yaz would be home but she decided to make some lunch for them both anyway. Her girlfriend said she’d be coming home right after and Julian figured that no matter what time that is, Yaz would certainly be hungry. 

She closed her laptop, deciding it was best to leave it for now, at least until she talked to Yaz and then went to the kitchen. Some pasta was in need. 

While she got everything ready her mind started to wander. Her and Yaz had been officially together for four months now and things had been going really well. So much had happened and changed during that time that it was still hard to wrap her head around it all sometimes. Things had not only changed on a professional level, but mostly on a personal level too. 

They had made their relationship public a few weeks ago, it had been simple. They had decided they didn’t want to hide and there was no point in hiding something when they were both incredibly serious about each other. Yaz had simply made a post on social media - a photo of Julian wearing a tux that Yaz had taken in one of their dinner dates without Julian realising, and after discussing it with her, Yaz had posted it with the simple description of ‘date night x ’. It had been simple and after that there was no more hiding.

There were still some paparazzi following them sometimes, but a lot of the time they were able to have their privacy without worrying about it. It had been months, but Julian hadn’t yet forgotten about the park incident. She’d do anything to prevent Yaz ever being put into that state again. She wanted nothing more than to protect Yaz from those sorts of media. 

She went to the fridge and stopped looking at the pictures displayed there. It was basically all polaroids - Julian had taken most of them but some were Yaz’s too - and it was just pictures of them on little trips or dates or even holidays. They had been to Amsterdam the week before and there was a gorgeous picture of Yaz on a bike that Julian had taken. She really loved that one.

The pictures they had both taken from each other when they had been on the picnic the first day they met were at the centre of the fridge. It’s crazy to think how far they’ve come since then. How a simple suggestion from Yaz - inviting Julian to have lunch with her - had turned into them being together like this. Had turned into a love that Julian had never thought she’d experience again. A sort of life she never thought she’d get a second chance at.

Those sorts of thoughts always made her long for Yaz even more, always wanting to immediately touch Yaz and tell her how much she loves her. And that’s what prompted her to get what she needed from the fridge and continue making their lunch. And thinking about Yaz made her brain go back to think about that email. She needed to give them an answer soon, and the pressure was certainly starting to be noticeable on her shoulders. 

Her girlfriend had pointed it out the other night (the same day she had gotten the email) how Julian seemed more tense than usual. Julian brushed it off saying it was just tiredness and Yaz had helped by giving her a much needed massage - that had quickly escalated into something more, but that couldn’t be helped. Not when Yaz had started kissing the back of her neck unprompted. Julian was only human, and she’d never refuse an opportunity to have her beautiful girlfriend like that. 

She started to feel warm, and it wasn’t just from the heat coming from the stove. She was yearning for the other woman and she got so distracted that she failed to hear the front door open and the next thing she knew, two arms wrapped around her waist taking her a bit by surprise. 

“Only me babe.” Yaz said, kissing the side of her neck gently “You okay?” 

“Yeah. Yup, peachy.” Julian felt that warmth inside her increase, and she turned her head so she could give Yaz a proper kiss “I’m making us some lunch.” 

Yaz had a peak over her shoulder and hummed in approval. If there was one thing Julian knew how to cook well, it was pasta. 

“Smells really good already. Just gonna change into something more comfy and be right back.” She kissed the side of Julian’s neck again and then all of a sudden the pressure around her waist and on her back was gone. Julian missed the contact immediately. 

She got the other ingredients, quickly putting them to cook in a pan while the pasta finished cooking. This was one of her favourite recipes to make: vegan bolognese. Yaz loved it as well which made it an excuse for Julian to cook it more often. But nothing beats the traditional mac and cheese. That was something they often did when one of them needed comfort. In retrospect, Julian could have made it for this occasion, since she was going to bring up the subject of New York during lunch and finally have that discussion with her girlfriend. She really couldn’t postpone any longer.  

When her girlfriend came back into the kitchen, the food was nearly ready. Julian reduced the heat on the stove, letting the sauce cook for another couple of minutes and turned to the other woman. The heat from earlier came up again when she saw what Yaz was wearing. 

Some old shorts and a hoodie that definitely belonged to Julian. Something about seeing Yaz in her clothes was incredibly attractive and Julian immediately took a step forwards, holding Yaz by the hips. Her girlfriend's arms wrapped around her shoulders and Julian lowered her head until their lips were pressing against each other in a proper kiss. 

Yaz’s nails lightly scratched at the nape of her neck and Julian moaned slightly against her mouth, turning and pushing her girlfriend slowly until she was pressed against the counter. Julian’s hands wrapped around Yaz’s backside and pulled her up until Yaz was sitting on the counter and the blonde immediately stepped between her legs, kissing her neck. 

“Babe.” Yaz said, but her hand was in Julian’s head, pulling her closer “The food is going to burn.” 

Julian didn’t hear, she was surrounded by the smell and feel of Yasmin Khan and that was all her brain could focus on right now. One of her hands slipped under Yaz’s hoodie and felt the skin there. She moved her lips to the other side of Yaz’s neck and continued trailing kisses all over it while her hand moved up and up. She was delighted to notice Yaz wasn’t wearing a bra. 

She could hear and feel Yaz’s heavy breaths at the contact. Her hand was getting ready to palm at her breast when Yaz suddenly spoke. 

“Babe, somethings burning.” 

Only when Yaz said it did Julian register that there was indeed a burning smell in the air and when she turned her head, of course, there was smoke coming out of their food. 

“Shit!” She let go of Yaz to turn the stove off and looked at the contents of the pans. Luckily it didn’t seem to be that bad. There had been a lot of smoke for such little burning and their food was still salvageable, but then she got upset at something having interrupted them. 

She looked at her girlfriend apologetically, but Yaz immediately kissed it better. 

“Why don’t we continue later?” 

Julian kissed her again. Honestly, how could she ever resist?

“We definitely will.” 

“Sofa or table?” 

Julian thought about it. She definitely wanted to speak about NYC with Yaz, and she would rather do it somewhere where they’re more within touching distance and somewhere that’s more comfortable. 

“Sofa.” 

With one last kiss to her cheek, Yaz got the bowls from the cupboard and placed them next to the stove for Julian to fill with the food and then she got their drinks, taking them directly to the living room. 

Julian sighed and went back to finishing the food. Now that the moment was over and another moment was getting closer, she felt herself grow a little nervous. Because she wasn't sure what Yaz would say about the whole thing, but one thing she also knew is that she didn’t want to leave Yaz for that long and she also couldn’t, in her right mind, ask Yaz to leave everything for her. Even if it was just for a couple of months, Julian didn’t know how things were actually going to go. 

But the only way to have answers was to openly speak to Yaz about it. They were in a relationship, and the decisions she now made about her life didn’t only affect her but also Yaz. But she also knew Yaz would support her no matter what.

Everything was just a bit nerve wracking. But it would be over soon. 

***

Her brain was overwhelmed. So many things to consider. So many things to think about. How was she even gonna start this conversation? What was the right way to do it anyway? Just say it? Lay out some ground to see how Yaz would feel about the whole thing first? Simply show Yaz the email? 

Julian had no clue. She was staring at something in the wall, there was a slight crack that she had caused when she was trying to fix the tv the other day. Yaz said she could call someone but Julian had insisted she could do it (and she had been able to do it, but not without causing some damage to the wall that she now had to fix too). 

“Ow!” Julian was suddenly pulled away from her own head when something poked her arm and she turned to her girlfriend who was looking at her with an expression that was a mix of both amusement and worry. 

“Where were you?” Yaz asked, her voice soft. She always knew when Julian was getting too much into her own head and she never pushed. Her therapist, Sarah Jane, had been helping her to be more open with her feelings and thoughts, especially with Yaz. 

And Yaz, wonderful and incredible, had always been so patient with her. Ever since day one. And even more so now. 

“I’m here. Getting stabbed with a fork.” Julian smiled a little, and Yaz smiled back filling the blonde with nothing but love and warmth inside her chest. But her girlfriend knew that the playfulness was one of Julian’s ways to buy some time while she sorted her head and decided what to say. Or not to say. 

Although, these days there wasn’t much she kept hidden from Yaz. Even if she sometimes had days where her brain, heart and feelings were a little more difficult to deal with and she didn’t want to talk to Yaz about any of it, the other woman always provided some much needed comfort in some other ways. And after a while, Julian would always end up opening up to her. She loved Yaz, more than anything, and she never wanted to keep things from her. Even though she knew Yaz would respect and accept her if she did. 

“Sorry… I just-” Julian sighed, placing her bowl on the coffee table. Yaz did the same and leaned back against the sofa. Julian could feel her girlfriend’s eyes burning into the side of her head, but still, Yaz wasn’t pushing. 

“Take your time.” 

Julian mulled over what to say. How to say it. It was all a little overwhelming and she decided the best approach was to just put it out there. Like ripping off a bandage. There was no point skirting around the issue, because this was a serious conversation about their future. Because god knows what other opportunities would come up if Julian did take the exhibition to New York. She needed to make sure that whatever she decided, that both she and Yaz would be aware of all the possible outcomes. 

She turned more fully to the other woman and crossed her legs in front of her. Yaz did the same and she seemed to want to reach out and hold Julian’s hands, but changed her mind last second. But Julian was having none of it. She needed to be touching Yaz somehow, she needed the comfort that touching the model always provided her. So, she reached over and took both of Yaz’s hands in her own, immediately stroking her thumbs on the back of each one. 

Okay, here goes nothing. 

“I got an offer to take the exhibition, the one for River and with her photos and yours, to New York. I got an email a few days ago asking if it's something I’d be interested in doing. But I haven't replied yet. I wanted to talk to you first but I didn’t know how.” Julian sighed, not looking at her girlfriend but she felt Yaz’s hand tighten a little around hers, encouraging her to keep going.

“It’s just- It’s a big opportunity, but if I accept that means going there for at least two months if not more. And we just moved in together. We have a life together and I have so much happening here. And I don’t want to leave you and I can’t ask you to leave everything and come with me. And if I go and you stay here- What if that makes us- What if our relationship doesn’t survive that distance? What if we lose what we have now? What if you stop lov-”

“Hey.” Yaz moved until she was able to pull Julian into a hug, who immediately held on to her girlfriend tightly. She didn’t even realise she had started crying. For so long she hadn't cried and now it was like the gates were always opened. But Yaz was the only person who ever saw Julian like this. Because Yaz was the only person Julian felt safe enough with to allow herself to be vulnerable like this. 

After a while, Yaz finally pulled back and took Julian’s face in her hands, wiping away the tears. She leaned forwards enough to press a light kiss to Julian’s lips and Julian immediately felt herself calmer. 

“I love you.” Yaz said firmly, looking Julian in the eyes and Julian felt her heart skip a beat. Or two. Or three. Every time Yaz said it still felt like the first time. She had been the first to say it, completely unexpectedly and it was a memory Julian kept carefully. She had taken a little longer to say it back, but when she did she had felt a weight lift off her shoulders. 

“That’s not going to change Julian.” Yaz continued, still holding Julian’s face gently in her hands “Even if we are one, two, three months apart that’s not going to change. I’m still gonna love you. So much. You need to know that.” 

Julian nodded slightly and closed her eyes, sighing. She knew the love they had for each other would not go away because of a few months apart, especially because she was sure they would be able to make trips to see each other every other week. But her head always had other thoughts and always made her think of the worst case scenarios. 

Yaz let go of her face and took her hands again, squeezing reassuringly. 

“Tell me about New York then.” 

Julian opened her eyes again to look at her girlfriend, and found nothing but warm and loving brown eyes staring back at her. Here was a woman who was willing to listen to what Julian had to say, willing to understand the opportunity this was. Willing to find a solution that would be good for both of them. Willing to love her no matter what. A woman who was going to support Julian and be by her side through thick and thin. 

Julian had never doubted the love Yaz had for her, the same way she hoped Yaz never doubted the love Julian felt for her in return. They were both in this relationship for the long run, and they were both willing to make sacrifices for each other. If the roles were reversed, Julian knew she would go to New York with Yaz in a heartbeat. Or at the very least, she would do everything in her power to be by her side as much as possible. 

She didn’t know how much Yaz could be there for her, if she did decide to go. But the only way to find out was to be open about it and explain things to the model properly. 

“So, they asked me if I’d be interested in taking the whole exhibition to New York. I’d have to be there for a month to get everything ready, and then during the first month of opening. But they said it might extend to more, if the exhibition ends up becoming as popular as it did here… I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave you for that long and I cannot ask you to leave everything for me for that long either. But it’s an incredible opportunity. I just don’t know what to do Yaz.” 

Julian looked at their joined hands and let the words sink in between them. Now it was her turn to give Yaz a chance to gather her thoughts and tell her how she feels about the whole thing. But she already knew, deep in her heart, that she had Yaz’s support. That was something that she wasn’t questioning. But she still needed to know how Yaz felt about the distance they would both be facing.

“When do you have to give them an answer?” 

“As soon as possible…”

“And when would you have to leave?” 

“Couple of weeks, maybe…”

“And do you want to go?” 

Julian thought about it for a few seconds. But her answer was easy. Of course she wanted to go. Opportunities like this didn’t show up everyday and not for everyone. 

“I do. But I-”

“Then you’re gonna go.” Yaz said firmly, searching for her girlfriend's eyes and when Julian looked at her again she was met with a warm and inviting smile. 

“But-”

“No.” Yaz squeezed her hands again and leaned forward to kiss Julian “I don’t think I can be there with you for the first few weeks because I have shoots and interviews booked. But after that, I’m free. I can ask Missy to find me something in New York while I’m there. I had offers for jobs there before and never took them, maybe now it’d be a good time to. And I’m gonna be there with you, every step of the way. As much as I can.” 

Julian frowned slightly. 

“I can’t ask you to do that Yaz.” 

Yaz shook her head, a small smile on her lips.

“You’re not asking me, I’m making my own decision of going. Because you need to go and I want to support you as much as I can and be there for you. This is an incredible opportunity. You can’t miss it.” 

Julian thought about it. Even though part of her was expecting this from her girlfriend, having it all said to her still made her question if this was really the right thing to do. Could they really leave their lives for a few months and go to the other side of the world? 

Yaz hooked a finger under Julian’s chin, lifting her head until their eyes met. 

“I know what you’re thinking. But our lives are still gonna be here when we come back. Our flat is still gonna be here.” Yaz said, reassuring her “This is our life. It’s the life we both chose. How many times have you followed me to other countries when I had work, hm? I think it’s my turn now.” 

She smiled at Julian and in that moment, Julian never felt so loved and cared for. She never thought she would ever experience a love like this again. Never thought she’d ever have a second chance at it. But here was Yasmin Khan, giving her everything she thought would be lost to her forever. 

She looked over at their book shelf, the picture of River was sitting there, staring at them and Julian smiled a little. For the most part, she no longer felt sadness and pain when thinking about the other woman. She would always love her, but now she had Yaz and she loved Yaz more than anything in this world. 

“She would be proud of you.” Yaz said, hand reaching to the back of Julian’s neck and scratching there slightly.

“I know.” Julian looked at her girlfriend, and her heart was filled with such a big amount of love for her that she did the only thing she could, she leaned forwards until they’re lips were pressing against each other in a heated and passionate kiss. 

She pushed Yaz until she was lying on her back, Julian on top of her. They were both panting heavily when they finally broke the kiss and when Julian looked at Yaz’s eyes she found nothing but a heavy desire in them. She was sure hers looked much the same. 

She got off from top of Yaz, slipping a hand under her knees and shoulders, she lifted Yaz off the sofa. 

“Julian!” Yaz screamed, but she was laughing and Julian found herself laughing as well while she carried Yaz to the bedroom. 

***

“So, we’re going to New York.” Yaz was lying with her head on top of Julian’s chest, one of her hands holding Julian’s on top of her stomach. Julian had her arm wrapped around Yaz’s shoulders, drawing small circles on her arm. 

“We’re going to New York.” 

They had been talking for a couple of hours about it, putting everything out in the open on how everything would go down. When Julian would leave, when Yaz would meet her there. What they needed to take with them and make sure to get one of Yaz’s family members or Amy to come around their flat to water their plants. They were thinking about everything. And then a new thought occurred to Julian and she frowned. 

“Do you think they have custard creams in the US?” It was a genuine question that her girlfriend clearly found deeply amusing because she just burst out laughing “Yaaazzzzz… It’s a serious question!” 

Yaz kept laughing and Julian wasn’t having any of it. She climbed on top of the other woman kissing her enough to make her stop. Yaz’s hand immediately came to rest at the nape of her neck. 

Julian pulled back after a few seconds, looking lovingly at the woman underneath her. The naked woman underneath her actually, which she just couldn’t ignore.

“Are you done laughing at me?” The blonde asked with a smirk on her lips and Yaz pulled her head down again until they were engaged in another heated kissing session. 

“You’re adorable. And very handsome.” 

“You’re only saying that because I’m naked and on top of you.” 

Yaz laughed again and Julian felt heat rise inside of her. 

“True, but not only.” Yaz kept scratching the back of her neck which was making Julian moan slightly. It really was her weak point.

“I love you.” She said all of a sudden and she leaned down again to kiss Yaz one more time, moving her knee until it was pressed between Yaz’s legs. 

“I love you too.” 

Julian leaned down again until they were kissing. The feel of Yaz’s lips against hers always felt like home . It always felt like the first time. And it was a feeling Julian never took for granted. She knew, better than anyone, how fragile life could be. How something you think it’s going to be there forever, can suddenly be gone and taken away from you. 

So, she never took Yaz and their growing relationship for granted. She cherished everyday, and felt grateful for it. Everyday she did something that would show Yaz how much she loved her and everyday she felt that same love come back to her. All she wanted was to live in the present, and enjoy everything they had at this moment.

This was a forever kind of love. All her life she thought you were only ever given one chance at falling properly and deeply in love. But ever since Yaz had come into her life, she had been proven wrong. Because River had been and always would be her first love, but Yasmin Khan would most certainly be her last. 

And they were just at the beginning of the rest of their lives. New York would be a challenge, but it would also be a new adventure for them both to experience and grow together. Julian was sure, at this moment, that nothing would make this love falter. Nothing would make it be forgotten. 

This was the kind of love you found in polaroid pictures. The kind for the history books, where people are their true and happiest selves when they’re around their person . The kind of love that, just like a polaroid, can last forever. As long as it’s taken care of.