Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hey Han…It will be okay.” Lee Know tried to reassure Han after Lee Know sat him on his bed. Lee Know could only think to bring him back to his own house. 

“I’ve never had anyone confess to me before…” Han said with a wavering tone as his  unfixed eyes stared at the wall looking past Lee Know. 

Lee Know needed to grab Han’s attention and pull him from his destructive thoughts, but the only thing going through his mind was of Sujin. 

“I confessed to someone once…” 

Han slowly started to now focus his vision and attention on Lee Know. 

“Who?” Han’s face scrunched in disbelief. 

Lee Know sniggered in memory. 

“Sujin…”

“Oh…” Han’s eyes softened and his face fell in realisation. He kept his head tilted downwards ashamed about having brought up the topic of him. 

“Han…you were right in rejecting Yongbok. Otherwise none of it would have been real and would’ve hurt Yongbok so much more in the long term. I-I know because that happened to me…” 

Han tilted his head. “To you? You mean Sujin hurt you like that?” Lee Know nodded solemnly. 

“Han…It wasn’t just Sujin…but all his friends too…” Lee Know raised up his shirt to reveal his stomach. A deep scar ran across it. Han’s mouthed opened in shock. 

“He did that to you?” 

“They did this to me.” Lee Know voiced which was layered in a harsh distain, but not towards Han. Towards those who damaged him. 

Han patted the bed next to him. Lee Know did as the squirrel boy commanded in silence. 

“I guess it started when…”

…

“I really like him Hyung.” Lee Know slyly smiled up to Chan. Chan was reading his textbook. Lee Know thought cornering his friend in the library to finally get an opinion about asking his crush out.

“I know you do. So go ask him out. Listen Lee. I gotta go, but call me if you need anything.” Chan packed up his studying equipment, then left the library. 

Okay Lee Know let’s go ask out your crush.

Lee Know made his way to the cafeteria to Sujin and his friends. They were all laughing about some game they had been playing, and Lee Know just loved hearing Sujin’s laugh. It was so smoothing and blissful to his ears. Like hearing the most relaxing stream of water mixed in with wild bird calls and the rustling of trees. It made Lee Know feel at peace, but right now. Lee Know could feel his heart hammering the inside of chest, as he walked up to Sujin rather casually, except for the unusual scratching of a mild itch on the back of his neck.

“Hey. Sujin…I was wondering if you wanted to catch a movie?” Lee Know stared at Sujin with hope and desperation. Lee Know’s throat felt closed up, yet he managed to choke out his invitation.  

Sujin looked at his friends next to him, then proceeded to look Lee Know up and down, and started laughing hysterically. Lee Know’s heart dropped to his stomach. Making it feel empty, no not empty something stabbed it like a needle sucking up all the excitement, trust and love. 

“A date? You think I want to go out with you. Oh… you are kidding. I’m not a faggot.” Sujin pretended to wipe a tear from his eye produced from laughing. Lee Know’s throat was dry. His head was spinning. 

I can’t do this. No this can’t be. Why? 

So Lee Know ran away. Ran home to his room. Sobbing. Dampening his pillow with each drop. 

He texted Chan saying how horrible it went, but no reply back. Lee Know felt utterly alone. So alone that intrusive thoughts took control of the steering wheel of his brain, and started driving off the side of the road. 

No one likes you. Look at you. Pathetic. You should just disappear. 

Lee Know was called for dinner with his family and ate like nothing happened. He forced a null expression. He mustn’t let people in. Or they will hurt him. 

After a few hours passed Lee Know received a message but not from Chan. From Sujin. 

Sujin: 

Hey Lee Know…I’m so terribly sorry, but I haven’t come out yet. I really like you…But I wasn’t ready, I still want to go out. Do you want to come over? 

As Lee Know reread the message for the 100th time. He was confused…or not. He understood Sujin’s actions now. He pretended to play it off, as a joke, yet this weird shaky feeling sat at the bottom of Lee Know’s stomach. Lee Know likes Sujin…or he did. Maybe it wasn’t too late, and Lee Know could help him through discovering his sexual identity. 

Lee Know:

Yeah! Totally. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I just assumed. I’ll be over in 20 min.

Lee Know couldn’t believe it. He was going to have a date at his crushes house. Lee Know felt his body shudder from electric sparks of giddiness. 

He ran downstairs saying that he is going to a friends house. Lee Know rushed out the door, and got on his bike and started peddling as fast as his bike could carry him. 

As Lee Know arrived at Sujin’s house all the lights were off. If Lee Know didn’t know any better then he would have thought that no one was home. He walked up the to the front doors. Hedges lined either side of the narrow front porch. 

Lee Know knocked.

Then he knocked again. 

Before he knocked a third time the handle turned, and the door opened. Sujin stood there with a casual hoodie and sweats. Lee Know couldn’t help up notice that his hair was tousled from laying down.

“Hey…” Lee Know gave a small wave.

“You came?” Sujin’s eyes widened in surprise. “You actually came.” A small smile appeared on his face, as he whispered the last part. 

“Sure I did. I want to apologise again. I really should have thought about your feelings. I’m so so so sorry.” Lee Know bowed. 

“All good. Make it up to me tonight. My parents aren’t home.” Sujin giggled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lee Know shifted his weight onto his other leg. 

“Never mind. Come on in.” Sujin stepped aside with the door to allow room for Lee Know to step inside. The house inside was dark. Lee Know could hardly see a thing. He could only just make out large furniture and what he assumed were stairs. “This way. My room is upstairs.” Sujin gently took Lee Know’s hand. Lee Know could feel his ears go red. 

It kinda feels like forbidden love, and we can’t tell our friends.

Lee Know couldn’t wipe off the huge smile that stained his face. He squeezed Sujin’s hand a little, then heard him laugh. 

“Cutie.” Sujin cooed. Lee Know felt so happy, so why was he so worried before. He feels happy and safe with Sujin. Sujin just carries that vibe, even though there is a layer of creepiness to him, yet Lee Know himself has been known to have a layer like that too. That’s what Chan and Changbin say anyway. 

Sujin led Lee Know into his own room. 

A flash.

It blinded Lee Know for a second or two, and he continuously blinked to readjust his eyes. One of them had a torch. That was used as a flash-bang.

5 of them gathered around Lee Know. 

What’s going on? Why?

Lee Know’s heart shattered there and then, as he glanced around averting his eyes between each boy. Panic filled Lee Know’s vision making sure none of them made a move to hurt him, as he stepped backwards almost out the door, until…

Two of them either side grab his arms and pulled him towards the bed. The lights still out and only a torch in the hand of one of Sujin’s friends. 

“W-what are you doing?” Lee Know’s voice broke, as he was pushed onto the soft sheets. Lee Know gulped, as Sujin stood closer to the bed. 

“Like I’d ever like you. You’re a gay retard.” Sujin almost whispered. Lee Know’s eyebrows knitted together in disbelief and fear. 

“What are you gonna do? Beat me up?” Lee Know spat. 

Sujin’s eyes held a amused glint, matched with a smirk. 

“Oh no. no. of course not. We aren’t brutes.” Sujin’s voice laced with a smoothing venom. Then he held his palm upwards. “Give it too me.” 

With that a gleam of silver reflected and Lee Know finally understood how much trouble he really was in. 

A knife? What the fu-

“So, since you wanted to fuck me. I must make sure you can’t do it to any other poor helpless boy.” 

“W-what do you mean?” Lee Know widened his eyes at the realisation. He gasped, but tried to cover it with his hand. “No…” Lee Know whispered. “You won’t get away wit-“

Lee Know gagged as it landed the stinging pain made his eyes water and his nose run. The pain came from a fist connected to Sujin, who punched him in the throat. Lee Know couldn’t breathe like he had been winded. He held a hand up to support his throat, only to result in a coughing fit. 

“Listen…and listen closely. No one cares about what will happen to you. Not ever. Now boys. Lift his shirt first.” The ones that grabbed his arms from earlier raised up Lee Know’s shirt with much resistance, as Lee Know was trashing his arms and legs the best he could, but the other two also joined in pinning Lee Know down. “First we start here.” Sujin said, as he gently dragged the knife on Lee Know’s lower stomach. “Then…we will make sure you turn into a girl. By cutting off your manhood. Besides a faggot like you won’t need it. Minho more like Mean Hoe.”

Lee Know’s heart was thumping aggressively he thought he would jump out his throat or chest and run away. 

They are psycho’s. Please… someone help… Fuck. I wanna go home… 

Lee Know didn’t want them to hear him cry. He wouldn’t allow them the pleasure. Silent tears rolled down from his eyes. Lee Know couldn’t tell if it was a couple of seconds or a couple of minutes of waiting until he felt something sharp puncture his lower stomach. He yelled out in pain. He couldn’t hold it in. He could feel the warm liquid within him leave. He could feel the trail fall down his side. He could hear the sickening laugh of Sujin and his friends. 

“Someone shut him up. Next door could probably hear him.” That sentence sparked an idea in Lee Know. 

He screamed as loud as he could in hopes someone could hear him. Someone could save him, yet not even a few seconds later something was shoved into his mouth. It was a soft material and it reeked of bad body odour, which made Lee Know gag, but the feeling was long gone as more pain was injected from his lower stomach. All hope was lost in Lee Know’s mind. No matter what he did. No one would save him. He himself couldn’t fight the 5 of them. He just had to sit here and take it, as they take away his future, his dignity and his trust. 

The sweat gleamed on Lee Know’s forehead and the sound heavy breathing was exhaling out his nose. Once the sharp stabbing was finished he could still feel the phantom feeling of the knife, but it was just bearable. Lee Know felt lightheaded and maybe it was the lack of blood and oxygen mixed with the panic attacks he wasn’t sure. 

“Remove his pants.” Lee Know didn’t care who said it, but panic set in again. He wanted to leave. He didn’t want to go through with this. 

Why me? What did I do? Please… someone please… Oh god…Please… help me… 

A few more tears silently escape his sockets. Two of the boys started pulling down his pants. 

“Dude…this is kinda fucked…” Lee Know heard one of them say. 

“Shut up. Do as you are told, and you won’t end up like this guy.” Lee know heard them whisper. That made Lee Know form more tears. He was exposed in mere seconds. The cool air hit against his deflated cock. 

“Oh god. It’s disgusting.” Sujin said. 

Lee Know felt exposed and violated. He tightly shut his eyes. He wanted to curl in a ball until rock back and forth until it is all over. Yet they still held him in place. He was gripping the sheets without mercy. Sujin’s laugh entered his ears, that old smoothing laugh become one of pure terror in just one day. 

“Time for your repentance.” Sujin held up the knife, and Lee Know closed his eyes tighter bracing for his whole future to end, but before any contact Lee Know heard something drop on the floor and two bodies along with it, and loud footsteps were quickly fading.

The sound of someone landing a punch, was followed by someone grunting in pain. Lee Know allowed himself to peek open one eye and then the other. To an empty room. 

What the-

The sounds came from the floor at the foot of the bed. Lee Know sat up. Muffling out a scream from how much his stomach caused him agony. Then he reached up and grabbed whatever had been stuffed into his mouth and took a look. Dirty socks. He threw them on the floor and moment, as well as a voice caught his attention.

“Fuck off! Don’t dare lay a finger on him again. You fucking bastard.” It was Chan’s voice Lee Know recognised. Tears fell faster and harder from relief. His prayers were heard. Chan had come to rescue him. Lee Know’s breath hitched, but at the thought of what had almost and had happened. Lee Know applied pressure to his wound, but when he looked back up all he saw was Sujin’s back running away. 

“Lee Know. Are you okay? Fuck of course you’re not. The ambulance is on it’s way. Hang in there.” Chan placed both hands on Lee Know’s biceps, yet Lee Know flinched at the action. Chan quickly retracted them. Lee Know stared at Chan with eyes filled with relief, and a smile graced his lips.

“Thank you Channie.” Lee Know whispered with as much energy he could muster. 

“I came straight here, after I went to your house to console you about the rejection, and I knew something was off in the group chat saying that they had a plan at Sujin’s house, but I got here. Sorry I couldn’t be here sooner.” 

Lee Know shook his head, and then people wearing the local hospital uniform flooded in with a stretcher. Lee Know didn’t remember much after that, but all that mattered was he was saved. 

…

Han gasped and was shredding tears of his own whilst listening to Lee Know’s story. Han had no idea Lee Know went through that. “I don’t know what to say…” Han said, as he could see Lee Know shaking, but he wouldn’t mention it.  

“Do you have to say anything? I don’t need pity. I should have told you sooner, then what happened between you and him wouldn’t have happened.” Lee Know tried to say. He couldn’t speak well, as his throat felt closed up and dry, but also on the other hand it was like Lee Know could feel a huge relief lift off his chest, but this relief was quickly dismissed. An invisible force still squeezed his heart from remembering the pain of what happened and maybe it would get easier if he told more of his friends, but he wasn’t sure.

“No…You have every right to keep that to yourself. You can’t force yourself to tell someone your trauma just so they don’t make the same mistake. Call me selfish, but you went through it already. Why do it again?” Han’s eyes held a glossy gleam, as he passionately stated his opinion. “Besides, I would never-“

“I’m not saying you or Yongbok are like Sujin…but I am saying that what you did was the right thing to do. Yongbok would have just ended up even more hurt and deep down so would you. Guilt would have consumed you.” 

“It already does.” Jisung’s face hardened as breathed out shakily. Lee Know’s eyebrows frowned, as Han averted his own eyes.  

“How so?” Lee Know’s eyes narrowed gently, as if he was seriously and secretly inviting Han to share. Han looked back to face him, and suddenly the thought of sharing his deepest darkest secret became real. Too real. No one could know. Sure. Han wanted someone to talk too, but he couldn’t tell Lee Know everything. Maybe just some of the story. Just the birthday party… that would be enough…right? 

“It was my birthday…” Lee Know hummed in encouragement. 

“It was meant to be a surprise party at my friend Issa’s house…Just him and I were going to hang out. Everyone else said they couldn’t make it…and it was going great until…”

…

“Happy Birthday Hanji!” Everyone jumped out causing Han to jump in surprise. 

“Thanks everyone. Sorry I’m late.” Han apologised, yet no one really acknowledged it. It kinda hurt Han’s ego, but it was his birthday so he tried not let that damper his day. It is his first birthday party. 

“How cool of your mom to allow us here Issa. Like you literally live in the middle of nowhere.” Mick laughed.

“Yeah. Well it’s all for Han’s birthday. So thank him for being born.” Issa averted the praise. Mick shrugged. 

“I’m starving.” Han announced quite loudly he looked around hoping everyone shared his thoughts, but all he received were guilty looking smiles or annoyed side glances. 

What’s going on here…

“We kinda already ate most of the party food since you were running late and we were all hungry, but hey…there are some crackers left, and some birthday cake.” 

They did cake without me?…I thought the birthday boy was meant to do blow out the candles…

“Oh. Okay.” Han forced a smile. He walked towards the table of food, and the table was almost empty. A few crackers, soggy fruit that had been laid on a paper towel which soaked the paper, making it stick to the fruit and half eaten cake. Han sighed, and took a cracker into his mouth, yet it was cracked pepper, which caused him to cough. 

He tried looking for water, but the jug was empty. Then he went to Issa’s mother and she checked the fridge. They only had some old pineapple juice. Han thought it was better than nothing. Han gulped a mouthful down. His throat closed on the sour taste. The acidity burned his tongue and down his throat. 

I guess…it’s better than nothing.

Issa’s mother apologised, but since they live in the country they don’t get much beverages and water is from water tanks which are limited. 

Don’t worry Hannie. You still have presents to look forward too and the movie. 

“Hey guys!” Han waved down his friends. Mick, Issa, Kira, Grey and Angus. “When do you guys want to do presents?” Han jogged towards them with a huge innocent looking smile. 

“Presents?” Mick asked. “We don’t do presents. Didn’t you know?” Han could feel his cheeks heat up red. 

“Oh. I must have forgot.” Han’s eyebrows frowned together. 

“Don’t worry, but the movie will be fun. Did you bring it?” Issa asked. Han’s mood brightened by the fact he got to share his favourite movie with his friends. 

“Yeah, I did. I brought 2012. It’s movie about a family surviving the world ending. It’s a great blockbuster. I even tried writing a soundtrack for it.” Han rambled on. 

“2012? Really?! That movie is too scary Han. You should know not all of us like scary movies.” Mick crossed his arms. “Why not watch something less scary like Harry Potter?” 

Han had anger flash past his vision, but he really did love Harry Potter, therefore he could deal with not watching 2012 if it was substituted for his beloved Harry Potter. Besides the reason why he became friends with Kira is because they both loved the series, and Mick, Kira and himself are the only ones that have watched it, therefore it would be a great experience for everyone of else to experience the first film. 

They all entered Issa’s bedroom where a small television was set up. “Let’s watch the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.” Mick suggested. Han’s eyebrows knotted together. 

“Wait. Why the third one? Half of us haven’t even watched the series. We should start from the beginning or they might not understand what’s happening.” Han tried to reason with Mick, he looked around gauging everyone’s reactions. They meekly stared at roof or the floor. 

“Well the third one is my favourite.” Kira intertwined is opinion. “And Grey doesn’t care what we watch. So let’s vote.” 

Fine…

Han gave an unimpressed sideways glance. 

“Who votes for watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?” Mick asked. Issa, Kira, Grey, and Mick himself put their hands up. 

“I don’t really mind what we do.” Angus commented. Then everyone stared at Han. Han felt… small, he felt like everyone was against him. 

“Okay. I guess we are watching the third movie.” Han crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Oh. Han don’t be such a sour puss.” Issa said, as he put on the movie. The movie started and Han was beginning to fall asleep on the floor of Issa’s room. He only had a huge Queen double. It pretty much fit everyone, but Han. So, whilst everyone was up there, Han was banished to the wooden hard surfaced floor. He sighed. 

Set up his blanket and pillow to get comfortable and closed his eyes.

When Han opened them again, the ending credits were scrolling on the screen. He could hear the others talking and just before he was going to say ‘did you guys enjoy the movie?’ He heard something he wished he never did. 

“It’s so funny.” Han heard them all laughing. “Han thinks this was about his birthday party when it was just an accuse to hang out.” Everyone was laughing hysterically. 

“Dude. Shut up what if he hears you.” Han couldn’t catch who said it, but it didn’t matter. Han just wanted to go home. This was worst first birthday party. From no food, to no presents, and then this. They were right, this wasn’t about him. It was like he just tagged along. 

Han could feel his heart convulse, but he didn’t to stay quiet, if they heard him then it would be even more humiliating. Tears wet his pillow and soaked his cheek and hair on that side. He hoped that tomorrow he could go home as soon as possible. 

… 

“That’s it…It’s not as traumatising as what happened to you though…” Han gulped, as he rub his hands up and down his thighs.

“Umm what?! Han. Don’t ever put yourself down like that. Never compare past trauma. Your trauma is just as valid. And besides…you aren’t finished, so don’t put yourself down.” Han looked at Lee Know with wide eyes. 

“How-“ 

“How do I know there is more. It’s written all over your face. Plus, I know Issa provoked you with Mick, by using Sujin. I’m not stupid. I can hear, but don’t feel any pressure to tell me.” Han almost sighed in relief, as he stared forward not really at anything in particular. He appreciated talking about this. He was glad Lee Know was here. Especially since when they first met they got off on the wrong foot, yet now…They both understand and trust each other enough. That’s all they both asked was for people to trust.

“Thank you Minh- I mean Lee Know.” 

“Do you know why I prefer Lee Know?” Lee Know asked with a straight face. Han shook his head, as he faced Lee Know again. 

“It was because of a cruel nickname I was given…Mean Hoe…but the reason I didn’t tell you or anyone else, was because…I guess… not being able to trust. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. I wanted too though, but I know it doesn’t make much sense does it?”  

“No I get it. Like a test.” Han placed a reassuring hand on Lee Know’s thigh.

“Yeah…Like a test.” Lee Know let a small side smile raise his cheek, as Han actually understood. Han understood everything to the point it was scary. 

Han stared up at Lee Know still sitting on his bed. A sad smile spread across his face. Han felt so safe while speaking and just being with Lee Know. It’s like he doesn’t have to hide who he is, and almost all his guilt vanishes. 

Lee Know also stared back at Han. Lee Know knows he likes Han. To even stretch that further and say he loves Han, that he is kinda crazy for the puffy cheeked boy. He can feel the warmth from his hand warm up his thigh, but he is glad that warmth doesn’t travel any further, if that happened it would be embarrassing, since they are comforting each other not rubbing bacons. Lee Know glimpsed at Han’s lips, but quickly averted his gaze. They looked so soft and pretty. Lee Know knows their taste would resemble that of a sweet marshmallow, then he licked his own in anticipation. 

Han didn’t know what this feeling was. It was pulling him in. Like a fish being reeled in by a greedy fisherman. Yet why was it so enticing. The fisherman’s inviting gaze, and his sharp feline features - ready to sallow the whole fish whole.

The gap between them was disappearing by the second. Han saw a flash of Lee Know’s tongue dart across his lips making them seem moistened. Han could only proceed to follow pursuit wetting his own. A split second thought was maybe his lips were now far too wet and would feel weird, but it was too late, as they both were inching closer and closer. Almost in a daze like trance, and cold sweat dripped down their temples in anticipation. So close both of their eye lids were drooping and preparing to close for the connection. 

Neither had control over themselves, as they let actions overrule logic. 

A tickle of Han’s breath gingerly made it way onto Lee Know’s, therefore making his heart skip a beat or two. Then… 

Warmth. Lee Know felt the warmth from Han, as their lips collided with their eyes closed. The sparks of connection gave Lee Know goosebumps up his entire body. Han also squeezed his thigh tighter, making Lee Know want to yelp in surprise, but how could he when he just wanted to melt into Han. He knew Han would taste sweet, but this was sweeter than his favourite pudding. Euphoria pumped through his veins making the whole occurrence seem surreal. 

…

Han didn’t know what was controlling him right now. He was kissing Lee Know. Kissing him. Actually kissing him. Why? How? It isn’t awful, matter of factly it’s quite pleasant. He could get used to the comfort held behind such a intimate touch. Han could feel the reassuring warmth relax his whole body, but at the same time it put his gear stick in override. Hot blood gushed to his ears and everything would have been perfect, except for the fact he just rejected his twin and is now kissing their friend. Han’s eyes blew wide open, and Lee Know wanted to whine at the disconnection.  

Han swung his arms around in panic.  

He kissed Lee Know. 

Just after rejecting Felix. 

He really is a terrible friend. 

“I should really get going. Sorry if that felt weird…” Han said blinking repeatedly trying his best to look anywhere but at Lee Know.

“No. It didn’t. It didn’t feel weird at all. Kinda nice actually.” A fond smile formed on Lee Know’s lips. Han couldn’t help but look again once Lee Know spoke about his experience. He didn’t hate the kiss. Lee Know’s eyes filled with something darker and more desirable than usual, but Han tried to ignore it. “I’ll walk you out.” 

“Yeah. Thanks.” Han felt like he was dying. His cheeks were hotter than when he took a hot bath or when he had a fever. He gulped as he got up and followed Lee Know out the bedroom door. 

…

“Minnie! Wait for me.” Hyunjin cried out. Seungmin turned and waited with an affectionate smile. He shook his head is disbelief. 

“Are you really gonna wear that?” Seungmin asked. Hyunjin’s face twisted in confusion. 

“What do you mean?” 

“The beanie. It’s a children’s beanie. What is it? An otter?” Seungmin asked. Honestly, Hyunjin felt hurt at first when Seungmin mentioned the beanie, as all it does was set a reminder of what happened. 

“It’s a weasel sown into it…besides…I can’t just go out with ugly hair…” Hyunjin whispered that last part. Seungmin’s face fell while he thought about the incident. 

If only I was there sooner… Just like the party…

“We are gonna buy you a wig today. Shopping date, and dinner later. How does that sound?” Seungmin smiled from ear to ear. Hyunjin could stare at that puppy smile all day. He was so grateful to have Seungmin.  

“Really?! You mean it?” Hyunjin held a hopeful glint in his eye. Seungmin nodded. Hyunjin jumped up and down in excitement acting more like a puppy than how Seungmin looked like one. “I’m still keeping the beanie on.” Hyunjin narrowed his eyes in protest, while clutching onto the beanie and tucking further down onto his head. Seungmin puffed while blowing his fringe out of his eyes, as if saying ‘yeah. Whatever.’ Hyunjin just skipped towards the entry.

He really is amazing. Dealing with everything, yet being so brave about it. Seungmin trailed behind not too far. 

Once outside, Seungmin made sure the apartment of locked. Checking twice like he usually does. Hyunjin tapped his foot impatiently waiting for his boyfriend. 

“Okay. And we’re off.” Seungmin turned to Hyunjin. 

“Finally.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, but then his expression flipped and he couldn’t help but let out a cheeky giggle, as Seungmin scoffed at him. “Come on. I’m hungry.”

They made their way to a shopping mall. It was huge. They were walking around looking for something small to eat like an ice cream shop. The sweet and salty scents of the food court made both their stomach’s grumble. 

Hyunjin pouted with an exaggerated whine to ensure Seungmin knew he was is about to stave to death. 

“How about gelato?” Hyunjin jerked his chin to the direction of the shop. 

“I guess that we do have some time until dinner.” Hyunjin already started making his way towards the clear cases full of different flavours. Seungmin watched him walk towards it, but Seungmin didn’t feel like they were on a date. Something seemed to be missing. 

What do couples usually do on dates? Kiss? Whisper to each other? Hmm…oh I know.

Seungmin allowed a small grin to paint a mischievous expression, as he stared at Hyunjin’s hand that was casually swinging as he walked.  

Next thing he knew his hand was reaching towards Hyunjin’s. When slight contact was made Hyunjin retracted his hand while spinning around in shock, he about to apologise for bumping into someone, but he noticed it was Seungmin. How Seungmin’s cheeks had a tint of red. How Seungmin nervously bit his lower lip, and How Seungmin looked so disappointed. Hyunjin was confused at first, as to why Seungmin was acting like this. He bumped his hand, What did he want with Hyunjin’s hand…

Hyunjin smirked in realisation with a raised eyebrow. He held out his hand. “Give me.” Hyunjin ordered. Seungmin clicked his tongue trying to seem disinterested, but everything else he was displaying contradicted to his action. Seungmin lazily gifted his hand to Hyunjin, by placing it heavily into Hyunjin’s palm. Hyunjin gave him a wide smile and his eyes formed crescents, with little wrinkles each side. 

“I want chocolate. How about you Minnie?” Hyunjin squeezed the younger’s hand. 

“I don’t mind. You choose for me.” Seungmin shrugged. 

“How about matcha green tea.” Hyunjin giggled already knowing Seungmin’s favourite flavour. A fond smile from Seungmin found it’s way to Hyunjin, and Hyunjin stopped giggling just to appreciate it. 

“Well…Are you gonna order or am I gonna make you pay?” Hyunjin blinked rapidly trying to understand what Seungmin was trying to say, but then gave up trying to decipher the younger’s words and then decided to just order.

Before Hyunjin could pull out his card to pay, Seungmin had already used his card. Making the machine beep in acceptance, and causing Hyunjin to pout.

“I could’ve paid…” Hyunjin tried to let go of Seungmin’s hand, but Seungmin held him tighter making sure he couldn’t get away. 

“No. I’m your boyfriend, therefore, I must pay.” Seungmin huffed. 

“But I’m your boyfriend too.” Hyunjin whined while frowning his eyebrows together. That’s when Seungmin let his body move on his own. He calmed Hyunjin. With just a single peck on the cheek. It was quick. If you blinked you would’ve missed it, but Hyunjin was stunned. His eyebrows now raised and heat erupted on his cheeks and ears. “Minnie…we’re in public.” Hyunjin tried to reason. 

“And…what’s the issue?” Seungmin gave Hyunjin a pointed look. Hyunjin licked his lips. 

“Nothing…” Hyunjin averted his eyes to the ground briefly before looking back up into Seungmin’s. Hyunjin was starting to lean forwards while staring at Seungmin’s lips he was so focused on them. Crossed-eyed and his eyelids were drooping, until their order was called, making Seungmin cough. Hyunjin straightened up embarrassment taking over his body, eventually letting go of Seungmin’s hand to retrieve their ice-cream’s. 

They go find somewhere to sit down. There was a nice table for two near the entrance of the ice-cream parlour. The chairs were a blue pastel colour to match the theme. Seungmin grabbed the chair and pulled it out and gestured for Hyunjin to sit. 

“Why? Thank you kind sir.” Hyunjin giggled, as he sat down. 

“Trust me. You don’t know how tempting it was to pull that chair from under you.” Seungmin smirked while shaking his head. 

“Hey!” Hyunjin pouted with his eyebrows burying down. “Why did you say that!?” Hyunjin wanted to punch Seungmin. 

“Because your reactions are too cute.” Seungmin playfully grinned. 

Hyunjin clicked his tongue. “Yeah. Whatever.” A silence stretched, as they ate their ice-creams. 

“Hey…When do you think we should tell everyone else?” Hyunjin asked with a curved eyebrows. 

Seungmin just hummed in thought. “Maybe…After Minho’s birthday.” Hyunjin nodded.

“Yeah. Okay.” Hyunjin agreed, but after a moment a smile started sprouting form his face. “Can we go shopping for my wig now?” Seungmin nodded, as he rose up from the chair. 

…

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! I’ve so fucked up. So bad. I kissed him. I fucking kissed him. 

Jisung was sat crossed legged on his bed with his hands holding up his head. His eyes wide in the shock of the events which occurred mere hours ago. 

Does this mean he likes me? No…

Han shook his head violently to try rid the thought of Lee Know liking him. Han didn’t know if that was true, but it wasn’t okay that they kissed when his twin is by himself and heart broken. Han lowered his hands, as his gaze became unfocused, as he stared at the wall in front of him. 

I need to apologise to Felix again and make sure he’s okay. Man, just keep adding to the guilt Hannie. Pile it up even more. Yay…

Han sighed with his shoulders. His body felt heavier, even more so now Lee Know wasn’t with him. 

You will apologise to Felix at school…who knows maybe it isn’t that bad? Maybe he is okay, and we can just forget all this happened, then move on.

Han fell horizontally on his bed. His head hitting his pillow. Han let out another sigh, then closed his eyes. He was tried. The sooner tomorrow came the better. He wanted to apologise. After a few minutes darkness overtook him.  

…

It was just on dusk…

Han could just make out a few stars…

He was is a daze looking up at the constellations, as he felt the wind pick up. The wind tugged at stands of lose hair and fabric from his clothes. His eyes followed the eerie breeze’s direction. 

A lake. 

The one lake Han wished to never see again. The one lake were he has committed a sin. 

Like a child trying to make out what monster was seated on their chair, Han searched the darkness for any sigh of life. 

But as a child turns their lamp on to see the chair with a pile of clothes. Han found Felix who was standing not too far in the distance. 

“Felix?” Han tilted his head. Felix didn’t mutter a word. Only held out his arm and his hand made a sign to follow. Han didn’t know why, but something felt off. Felix’ face was covered in freckles, which could be seen clear as day even though it was night due to his freckles sparkling like the stars from earlier. 

Felix then turned to start walking away. Han followed pursuit…

Suddenly, as Han was following not far behind his vision started to blur. He tried shaking his head and rubbing his eyes to try see better, but nothing was working. 

“Felix. Felix! FELIX?!” Han called, but no response. Felix no where to be seen. Only his voice hung in the chilly air. He tightly shut his eyes and tightened his body, as if bracing for something. Maybe pain?  

After a minute of nothing happening, he stayed as he was. The sound of splashing made it too his ears. 

“The thing about drowning is it’s silent…” A whisper caused Han’s eyes to fly open, and make him turn around. 

No one. 

Han saw no one, but he knew the voice. 

Han whipped his head back around to where he had heard the splashing. Large ripples had disrupted the calm lake’s surface. 

Someone was in there. 

“It’s your friend…” The whisper again. Han’s heart felt like it stopped. 

Felix…

His breath hitched, yet Han couldn’t move. Something forced him still. No matter how hard he tried to move. Han cast his eyes down the side next to him, and noticed a shadow of someone behind him. Leaning into his ear. “Will you let him drown? As you did to me?” 

Han’s breathing was so shallow that he couldn’t take a deep breath even though he tried. It hurt. It hurt to breathe. 

“Let me go! I need to save him!” Han shouted making his head feel light and his throat sore. “Let me save him!” Han tried moving again, yet no avail. He was frozen in place. 

“You will just watch him die…You really are pathetic. You are guilty…of murder. Blood is on your hands.” The voice laughed, as if he was amused with Han’s predicament. 

“No! Felix! I can save you!…Please let me go!” Han was trying to thrash his arms, legs, head. Anything, but none of that worked. It was almost like the shadow was holding him in place. 

“Too late…he is gone…” 

“Felix!” Han screamed, as shot up from the sheets. Sweat drowned everything from his skin to his clothes to the sheets. His head felt like it was spilt in two, yet he is still was desperate to save Felix. 

The door of his bedroom swung open, and Han’s mother rushed in. She was out of breath, but not as bad as Han who was gasping and practically clawing the air. 

“Honey. Shh. It isn’t real.” Han didn’t really notice the bed tip where his mother sat, just by his side. 

“Felix! He is drowning! I need to save him!” Han tried to explain to his mom. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, as he was ready to run. 

“Felix is at home. Nothing is wrong.” His mother held out her arms to take Han in, but Han stared at her with a blurry vision and dry and sore throat. “Felix is fine baby. He is safe at home. I promise.” Han was then brought into a hug. He head still throbbed from a dull ache, and he knew crying would make it hurt more, but he couldn’t help it. He just cried into his mother’s chest who held a warmth only a mother could, as she patted his back for comfort. “Stay home today. Stay with mama.” Han shook his head on the fabric of his mothers dressing gown. He mothers gown was soaked with his own sweat and tears. He knows he needs to see Felix. He must apologise to Felix. 

His mother held him in place far enough to look into his eyes. Han felt embarrassed that his mother could see how swollen his eyes must be. “M-mom…I need to speak to Felix.” His mother gave him a stern look, yet filled with so much worried and care that Han couldn’t resent her no matter what. 

Her stern look faded into something akin to pride with a hint of sadness, but nevertheless Han knew he must see Felix. “Alright, but if you need to come home at any point during the day. I will pick you up. Okay?” Han nodded with a small smile, that felt heavy to produce.

“Okay mom. Thank you.” Han squeezed her tightly. 

…

“You mean to tell me. You just rejected him. You haven’t checked up on him nor apologised? Han, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?” Han hid behind his fringe, as Changbin yelled in his face. Han could even feel the hot breath from Changbin on his forehead which was also hidden behind his fringe. It was just him and Han in the cafeteria at the time Han needed some comfort and he thought maybe Changbin got over the other day, but his guess was wrong. 

“I-I’m sorry…” Han whispered, as he could feel his legs shaking. Changbin rolled his eyes. 

“I’m not the one you should be apologising too.” Changbin gritted his teeth. Han could only stare at the ground in shame. 

“What’s going on?” Chan arrived with a concerned frown. Lee Know, Hyunjin and Seungmin were following behind him all with trays of food. 

Changbin pointed towards Han accusingly. “This guy rejected Felix and hasn’t thought to apologise or anything.” Han wanted to say that he has been thinking about it. Honestly, it’s all he has been thinking about all night and all morning. Changbin then proceeded to grab Han by the collar of his uniform ripping Han aggressively forward. Changbin held up a tight fist and pulled it back. 

Han couldn’t register much of what was happening. He had screwed his eyes shut and braced for a punch in the face, but it never came. 

“Changbin…put him down. This is not what Yongbok would want. No. This is not what you want.” Lee Know had stepped forward now holding Changbin’s fist on his palm. 

Han felt so overwhelmed. He could feel the sea from his eyes flooding the shore, and Changbin had looked him in the eyes at that moment. Changbin realised what he was doing. He wasn’t the only one suffering. Changbin let go of Han’s uniform before taking a step back. 

“I…I went to far. I-I’m sorry.” Changbin frowned his eyebrows together and stared harshly towards the ground with his jaw clenched. Lee Know just sent him a sad smile. 

…

It was a few minutes after, until Changbin had fully calmed down, and now he just seemed mopey. Seungmin seemed to notice Changbin consistently checking the door. Most likely waiting for Felix to come in.

Seungmin felt something nudge the back of his hand, and when he looked down towards it to find what it was he couldn’t help a small side smile creep on his face. Hyunjin’s face was a tinge of pink, and seemed coy, as he gave Seungmin pleading puppy eyes. Seungmin almost gave in, but they didn’t want to let the others know just yet. He wanted to hold Hyunjin’s hand, however there were more pressing matters such as why Felix hasn’t arrived yet. 

“Hyunjin. You got a hair cut?” Han noticed, as he finally looked up from the ground, yet he kept glancing nervously towards Lee Know. 

“Oh!? Yeah…” Hyunjin’s eyebrows were curved upwards, but he still forced a smile trying to hide the incident at all costs. 

“What’s wrong? You don’t like it?” Chan asked. Of course Chan would notice something like this. Hyunjin was glad though, since now he had an excuse to seem upset. 

“Yeah. I hate it.” Hyunjin’s smile seemed to vanish. Seungmin then placed a hand on his knee. Hyunjin’s face insistently coloured with the sudden touch. Lee Know raised an eyebrow at them, but he didn’t question any further. 

Seungmin wanted to make Hyunjin feel better. He wanted to reassure him more. Then, he came up with a brilliant idea. 

“Oh my god- I didn’t give my paper to the teacher.” Seungmin’s eyes widened in panic. 

Genius…I’m an amazing actor. 

“Hyunjin come with me. You never handed yours in either. Or didn’t you do it?” Seungmin gave him a playful smirk, while he faced Hyunjin head on then proceeded with a tiny and quick wink. 

“Oh yeah! I forgot too. Sorry guys.” Hyunjin got up and bowed, as apologising. Han shook his head. 

“Can’t believe Minnie forgot.” 

Lee Know on the other hand raised another questioning brow at the duo. 

“Alright. See you guys later.” Chan waved them goodbye. 

“Bye!” The duo shouted in unison. 

…

Seungmin took hold of Hyunjin’s uniform tie, pulling him closer, locking their lips together. Seungmin didn’t like that it was in the school’s bathroom, but Hyunjin didn’t seem too fazed, therefore Seungmin continued. 

Seungmin’s tongue slipped into Hyunjin’s mouth gracefully exploring all the soft wet walls and crevices. They were put under a spell. Both boys enjoying each other. Seungmin sat on the toilet seat and Hyunjin had been hunched over him. 

They continued filling the air with wet and loud moans, until Seungmin heard footsteps enter, therefore he gasped for air after exiting Hyunjin’s mouth. His lips were glossy and puffy, and Hyunjin showed his small pout to his boyfriend, until he thought of a plan. Hyunjin’s hand latched onto Seungmin’s jaw, cupping the soft skin and locking it into place. Hyunjin dived. Hyunjin plunged their lips together once more. Seungmin’s silva tasting oh so sweet, Hyunjin couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to stop kissing his boyfriend, but Seungmin’s eyebrows frowned together and he gently pushed Hyunjin backwards. 

“Shut up. Someone will hear us.” Seungmin whispered.

“So what?” Hyunjin shrugged, with a smirk. Hyunjin’s eyes were like a predator’s wanting to claim their next meal. Seungmin crossed his arms and gave Hyunjin a stern look, like a disapproving parent would. “Fine..” Hyunjin rolled his eyes. 

Hyunjin stood up straight, and was reaching for the lock on the stall, but froze in place. He turned to look back at Seungmin. 

“What’s wrong?” Seungmin whispered, concern etched into a frown. Hyunjin replied with a fond smile, and then leaned forward placing a light and delicate kiss on Seungmin’s forehead. 

“Nothing. Just almost forgot to say I love you.” Hyunjin winked, then proceeded in walking out of the stall.

Seungmin should be grateful that Hyunjin didn’t see how red his face went. Even after they passionately made out in the school’s bathroom. Hyunjin can say the most embarrassingly loveable things that really make Seungmin feverish and squirm.

…

His tear trails were drying, yet he was wanting to know when they would be freshly painted over. He sniffled, while under the comfort of his favourite blanket which still didn’t bring him enough of the comfort he needed. 

He didn’t end up going to school today. He stayed in his little apartment that he can barely afford. He should go to work, but he doesn’t have the energy, therefore he called up sick. Nothing else matters other than his feelings was being rejected. 

A blurry unfocused image of the TV set up laid before him. His stomach growled at him, but Felix refused to get up and make something. Even baking sweets didn’t seem appealing in the slightest. He just wanted to sit there, and think about how stupid he was for asking Han out. 

Suddenly his phone rang, which made Felix jump slightly from the vibrations the device made. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and picked up the call. 

“Felix sweetie. How are you?” It was his mum. The Australian accent almost gave him whiplash, but it was quite smoothing to hear something so familiar. 

“Hey Mum. I’m doing alright. Just finished school.” Felix pitched his voice a octave higher to sound more cheerful, but it was exhausting. Yet his mother mustn’t find out. 

“Oh! Wonderful. Do you have a moment? I need to speak with you.” Felix shifted under his blanket. Felix had a weird vibe.

“I was about to do some baking. So maybe a quick talk, but not too long.” Felix then started to nibble on his bottom lip. 

“Make sure you be careful in the kitchen. It’s the most dangerous place in the house. Anyway, I want you to come back home to study for University once you have finished with high school.” Felix’ eyes went wide at the shocked statement. He allowed himself a breath to take in what was being proposed. “Don’t you want to be here? With your family? Your sisters miss you very much. Your father and I also.”

“I-I’ll have a think about it…” Felix knows he wants to stay with his friends, but to be around Han. It might not be the best idea. Felix might not cope here. If he started fresh again, maybe it might go better. He could met new friends and…and…and he would miss everyone…He would miss Korea. He would miss the silly attics his friends put him through or when we have a movie night or go shopping for clothes. He would miss baking sweets for them, when he knows they all adore them. He wonders if his new friends would like his baking. He wonders if his new friends would go shopping and like cartoon movies. Felix doesn’t want to leave his friends. They really mean everything to him. 

“Okay honey, and once you are back here maybe you could go back into modelling? Be sure to keep in touch, and I’m serious don’t hurt yourself in the kitchen. I’m not there and if you get hurt. I’d never forgive myself.” Felix couldn’t help but mentally and sarcastically laugh at his mother’s statement. Felix knows the real reason why she says things like that. In Australia he was a child model. Imagine a model with scars. To anyone else it would seem like his mother cared for his well being, but Felix knows deep down even though he might not voice those thoughts. His mother was stuck in a habit of caring for his body. His face. His arms. His legs. Not a scratch. She almost made him have surgery to remove his freckles and Felix almost went through with it, except for his grandparents stepping in saying it was a charming feature about the boy. Felix remembered his party and how he fell over the vase. 

Man, my mother would have had a fit.

Felix heard the beep of the call ending. With a heavy sigh, he dropped the phone from his ear.  

I can’t leave…not when I have amazing friends…

A knock interrupted his thoughts from wondering. Felix tilted his head in confusion. He wasn’t excepting anyone. He really hoped it wasn’t Han, therefore Felix mustered as much strength as he could and stood up. He pulled up his blanket and wrapped it about his body and slowly shuffled his way to the front door.

He opened it. 

“Felix? Are you okay?” A hoarse voice asked in concern. Felix’ eyebrows raised, as he didn’t except him to check up on him. 

“Changbin?”

…

“Can I come in?” Changbin stood in the doorway holding a plastic bag. Felix shuffled backwards with a fluster. 

“Yes. Come on in.” Changbin found him so cute wrapped up in a little bundle, but Changbin needed to focus. This isn’t about his feelings. It was about Felix. Once Changbin entered the door closed and both made their way to the small couch. 

Changbin noticed the apartment messier than usual. The kitchen was a disaster, pots, pans and other dishes stock piled on the sink. The bench tops littered with flour, some had even dropped on the floor. 

In the living room. In front of them was a small coffee table that was smothered in green chip packets that had little kangaroo’s on it and coke cans. A dirty plate and bowl. 

“Felix…?” Changbin asked as he looked around. 

“I know what you’re going to say. And no I’m not okay.” Felix glared at his filth on the table. Changbin’s eyes finally ended on Felix, but he wasn’t going to say anything about the mess, because honestly he wouldn’t be any better if he was in Felix’ position. 

“I was gonna ask if you wanted to do some baking with me? Or cooking? Or watch a movie? Or hang out? You did promise me a movie…” Changbin went on a little tangent, but he had gained the attention of Felix who raised his brows in realisation. 

“I forgot about the movie thing. I’m sorry…and…the kitchen is a mess, so we can’t cook or bake anything…I’ll get to cleaning maybe tomorrow.” Felix’s gaze ended up on the ground, as he sighed. 

“Han got you down that bad huh?” Changbin decided to go with a blunt and straightforward approach. He hates seeing Felix this upset, but he knows Felix. Felix may seem sweet, innocent and most people would say weak, but Changbin knows he is so much more than that. Felix sometimes just needs a bigger and harsher push, and he had a cheeky side too. He loves pranking the others with Jisung or Lee Know. Sometimes even I.N. 

Felix looked up at Changbin full of hurt at the mention of Han, but Felix knew that this subject was inevitable. “I-yeah…” Felix gave up trying to explain how much it hurt. 

“I guess it’s now my job to pick you up.” Changbin stretched out his arms nonchalantly, then brought one hand up along his other arm to his bicep to scratch it. After putting both arms down, he got up. “Do you wish to talk or see Han if he comes by?” Changbin looked down to Felix, who wrapped his blanket around himself tighter and shook his head. “Alright then. I guess I got a of cleaning to do.” 

Felix’ eyes widened in surprise and fear. “No. Don’t clean up after me. It’s my mess. I should clean it.” Felix’ voice got softer as the shame build in his chest. 

“Yes. You probably should, but I’ll get it started. Besides I know you would do the same thing for anyone else.” Changbin winked. “Beside Binnie missed Bookie today.” Changbin pouted ending his aegyo.

“Yah! Okay. Just stop it.” Felix cringed, while using the blanket to hide away. That just made Changbin smirk, but only with affection.

Everything was going fine. Changbin had a huge rubbish bag and was collecting all the trash from the table, that was until the door bell rang. “I’ll get it.” Changbin placed the bag down, and Felix’ brows curved up in worry.

…

Han was anxious. 

Han was fidgeting, as he stood in front of Felix’ apartment door. His fingers picked at his nail beds, and his foot tap. 

He had to show how sorry he was to Felix. He needs to explain himself. Han wants to say the truth; he is tried of lying, but he can’t say him and Lee Know had kissed. It would break Felix even more. 

Han took a deep breath, and exhaled with his shoulders. He gently knocked on the door. 

Those moments Han waited for an answer was pure hell. The anticipation forced his heart rate to quicken, and his foot to tap in sync with it. The sound of the door unlocking and opening made blood rush to Han’s ears, but everything haltered. Changbin stood in the way. Han had no chance now. Only if it wasn’t Changbin. Han’s eyes lost a small glimmer of the hope that usually shines so brightly. 

“Felix doesn’t want to speak with you. Please respect his wishes.” He wasn’t rude about it surprisingly. Changbin’s usual harsh voice was smoother, but still it hurt. Changbin wouldn’t let Han speak to Felix. Felix didn’t want to speak to Han. 

“Too late…he is gone…” The whisper from Mick echoed in his mind.

Han made pleading eyes, not to Changbin. Not to anyone really, expect to fate. He wanted fate to stop all these feelings. He didn’t want his chest to hurt when he took a deep breath or all the nervous ticks to continue making his life harder. He didn’t want anyone else to hurt because of what he had done. He didn’t want to face Lee Know. He didn’t want Changbin to be angry with him because Changbin liked Felix and Felix liked him. 

Something swirled in his stomach. Making his expression distorted, he needed to go. A rush of energy forced him to leave. 

Han ran down the stairs he couldn’t wait for the elevator. He needed to move. He ran and ran, until the feeling that was in his stomach burned his oesophagus and the back of his throat. 

Han bend over using his knees for support, as his chest convulsed making vomit projectile onto the floor. Han gasped for breath in between each time he expelled a substance. 

It was a few minutes, but it felt like hours, until where exhaustion overtook his body. He wanted to cry again, but didn’t have the energy. Han was forced to his knees with a loud thump, but the shooting pain up his thighs didn’t feel, as bad as his mental toll. 

…

It was an hour later Han finally arrived home. He felt a little better. His mother prepared pork kimchi stew, which warmed his stomach. At least now if he does end up vomiting again it won’t be vomiting nothing. 

“Good night mom.” Han started heading upstairs he heard a faint goodnight while traveling up. He fell on his bed and this felt like deja vu. Still guilt filled up to the brim. Han had his arms spread across where he laid, he felt weak. He wanted. No needed to apologise to Felix.

He was upset with Changbin, but he can’t hold it against the older. He is just looking out for Felix. Pretty sure Han himself would do the same. 

Han breathed in a shaky breath, as he brought his arm over to rest on top of his eyes. Since he started to feel that same familiar sting wrap around the rim of his eyes. 

He let a heavy breath out.

I fucked up so bad…

Han’s phone suddenly vibrated from in his pocket. It was a call. 

“Innie?” Han answered.

…

It had only been a few days…

He thought everything would turn out fine, that maybe he just needed some rest. 

Oh how wrong he was. 

I.N had been clutching the phone tightly in his hand, to the point he thought he might break it. He couldn’t really focus on much just simple thoughts. 

He couldn’t breathe without pain.

Before this,

He was having a nap. He psychically couldn’t do much. He just needed rest, yet everything went worse from there. He had woken up delirious everything was spinning as if the world turned to fast on it’s axis. When I.N tried getting up, it felt a little better, but could it really be called better? 

I.N collapsed to the floor, as he tried standing. He laid down again, maybe if he tried to sleep again he would wake up feeling better. 

He was so wrong. So very wrong. 

His chest felt like it was collapsing onto itself. His whole body tensed from the pain. He couldn’t speak or yell for help, as he was out of breath. Only grunts and moans of pain filled his room. He could feel sweat drip off his body, and his clothes stick to his skin. 

He finally got to sit up even though it felt like gravity was pulling down harder than usual. I.N panted and he could feel his face empty, as if all the blood washed out from it. He needed help. I.N admits it, but he really couldn’t call his parents. He couldn’t call an ambulance, as it would cost too much. He didn’t want to burden his friend either, but he has no one else. He needs a doctor. He needs Doctor Han. 

I.N decided to ring Jisung. He could always rely on him. Exhaustion washed over I.N who groaned while tightly putting pressure onto his chest to try ease the pain. It didn’t help much, but to feel the metal of Chan’s necklace which gave him a little strength. 

I.N managed to latch onto his phone that was on the bed behind him, then proceeded to dial Han with a shaky hand. His eyes were blurry and pricked the edges. 

…

They were in the back seat of Han’s mother’s car. Han held onto I.N. 

Don’t worry Innie. My cousin will look after you. Just hang on. 

“We aren’t far now.” Han’s mother called from the driver’s seat. 

Han knew four hours was a long time, but this was ridiculous. I.N’s grip tightened on Han every now and again, to try brace from episodes of stabbing pain in his chest worsening. 

I.N mumbled something about having to see Doctor Han and no other doctor in Seoul. Han didn’t know why, but it was important. He thought I.N went on a business trip with his parents, but they weren’t due back for a couple days. Han was beginning to wonder if I.N lied. If I.N stayed home by himself. That thought forced Han’s brows together. 

Here Han was worried about himself where I.N was in serious trouble. 

“Han…Don’t tell- the others.” I.N panted out. “don’t want- ‘em to- worry.” 

It seemed unfair not to tell the others, but just not until they get back.

“I will wait for you to tell them Innie.” Han stared forward in a serious fashion. I.N let a small smile appear although quickly turned into a grimace. 

…

“Sang-Chul. Please if it wasn’t important we wouldn’t have driven all this way.” Han’s mother complained. 

“I was Yang Jeongin’s doctor, but I’m afraid I’m not anymore.” Doctor Han shook his head. 

“Please cousin, his other doctor said he didn’t need surgery.” Han pleaded, I.N had explain why he needed to see Doctor Han during the long trip. 

Doctor Han’s expression conveyed many emotions from shocked which was illustrated in his eyebrows being raised and mouth agape; to confusion and grimace, from his brows slowly lowering and making a crease into his forehead, as well as a frown for addition. “You mean to tell me young Yang Jeongin hasn’t received any treatment surgery since I left?” 

“Yes!” Jisung exhaled out. I.N coughed dryly. 

“Is this true Jeongin?” The doctor asked. Jeongin nodded sluggishly. “I need verbal confirmation so I can go ahead and approve for emergency surgery right away.” 

“Y-yes” I.N breathed out, while clutching his chest, as well as letting a slight groan to follow the response. At least he had Chan’s necklace which kept him grounded. 

It was minutes later a stretcher was brought to the waiting room and took I.N. Han was relieved his cousin came in clutch. 

Now, I.N was gone. Disappeared into one of the operating rooms, Han waited outside the room, with his mother. Before I.N left he gave Han a necklace. It was heavy in his hand, but I.N made him promise to give it back to him after. Usually the type of surgery had a very low modality rate, therefore I.N would be fine. The surgery will be successful, yet Han still feels nervous. The necklace reminds Han of how I.N doesn’t want the others to know. He doesn’t want them to worry, but hopefully I.N will tell them. 

He would make it through the operation. Right?

Han sat clutching his hands together until his knuckles went white with tension. The necklace in carefully surrounded by his locked palms. His jaw was sore from him gritting his teeth for so long. It had been about an hour, until lights turned off on top of the operating door. 

The doors opened and Han’s mother was speaking to the doctor. Han was watching from afar and got up to stand next to his mom, but he froze, as the doctor shook his head while facing the ground. 

Han’s eyes widened.

No…No…NO!

“What happened? Is I.N okay? Mom? Doctor?” Han’s heart was rapidly beating and Han could feel his whole was shake with adrenaline. 

“Oh! Your friend is perfectly fine, but I’m afraid he may have to spend a night or two in the hospital.” Han sighed and a tension in his shoulders released. 

Thank god.

“Han we will go to a hotel while we wait for I.N’s recovery alright?” Han nodded. At least he got to skip school. He didn’t have to face anyone for awhile. He could also rest. 

…

“Binnie. What’s in the bag?” Felix stared towards the plastic bag to see if he could try see any of the contents through the thin layer, but Changbin stepped in front of him. 

“Ahh uhh no peeking. It’s a surprise.” Changbin’s grin was ear to ear, as he took the bag into the kitchen which he had spent time cleaning. 

The plastic fluttering sound made it’s way to Felix’ ears, therefore he peeked up from the couch behind towards the kitchen. Changbin had his back faced to Felix making sure he couldn’t see. 

Felix pouted while crossing his arms. He had to wait. He flared his nostrils in annoyance, but then decided to get up from where he sat with a mischievous smirk. 

He creeped up behind Changbin before wrapping his arms around Changbin’s middle. Felix rested his head on Changbin’s shoulder, as he was shorter. 

“Please let me see what you got.” Felix pleaded with a small winy voice. Changbin just sighed. 

“You’re not gonna stop until you know huh?” Changbin raised an appointed brow, while Felix raised his head to give a toothy smile. “I’m making you dinner, then while we eat we can watch a movie. After the movie if you still have energy we can do some baking now that the kitchen is clean. Oh! And of course play some games.” Changbin grinned, but Felix couldn’t help the warmth that spouted inside in tummy and chest. Felix’ hug tightened. Causing Changbin to straighten his posture more. 

“Thank you. Hyung.” 

Before Changbin could respond a buzzing sound interrupted them. Changbin squinted his eyes and looked around franticly. “Where is it?” Felix started looking around too. 

“There.” Felix pointed towards a high hanging cupboard. 

“Bug spray?” Changbin asked. 

“That cupboard.” Felix redirected his finger to a low cupboard under the sink. Changbin didn’t waste a second in retrieving the spray. He sprayed the fly, and after a few minutes the fly dropped on the bench top twitching. “Poor little guy.” Felix’ eyes shone with remorse, as Changbin placed the bug spray down on the bench top next to stove.

“Hey. It’s okay. He was in your area first. It’s nature’s way.” Changbin grabbed a piece of towelling paper and scooped up the fly. Changbin came back form the toilet after a flush. 

“It’s gone.” Changbin announced. “Now. I’m going to make you something yummy.” Changbin smirked. “Steak and vegetables sound good?” 

Felix’ lips twitched upwards. He loved steak. He couldn’t wait. With a skip in his step he jumped back onto the couch and started to play his game. “Thank you Binnie. I look forward to it.” He waved from the couch. 

Changbin was surprised, but glad he was able to see Felix again. The real Felix. Not a mopey heart-broken stranger. Changbin then turn the heat on the stove and pulled the meat out from the fridge he already put there before cleaning. 

He grabbed the spray on oil, and coated the pan. 

Hmm. The oil smells weird but whatever.

Changbin then started to hum, as he waited for the pan to heat up. 

“Changbin Hyung. Did you spray that bug spray again?” Changbin saw Felix’ head turn around from behind the couch. Changbin was just about to place the steak onto the pan. When Felix’ eyes widened. “Don’t tell me?” Felix’ brows curved in worry.

Felix raced over to Changbin, and picked up the bug spray that was next to the stove. “Did you use this?” 

“Oh. Yeah…Oh…oh no.” Changbin’s demeanour seemed to shrink into itself in realisation. Felix just gave himself a forehead slap. 

“Ohh. Binnie boo. What are am I to do with you?” Felix turned the heat off and put the pan in the sink. “You wash this and I’ll grab a different pan.” Changbin waddled over to the sink, with his shoulder slouched with emphasis. 

“At least I’m good at doing dishes.” Changbin laughed awkwardly. Felix just placed his fists on his hips and swung them in exaggeration. 

“Funny huh? You nearly poisoned us.” Felix poked his tongue out playfully to show he wasn’t totally upset with him. 

…

Finally after eating dinner and watching a movie. The two baked what were delicious cookies. They were now gaming, and it was extremely late. 

“When are you going to head home Hyung? It’s already 12:20am.” Felix tilted his head in question. 

I hope he doesn’t want to leave. 

“I’ll just stay over tonight.” Changbin shrugged nonchalantly. “Is that a problem?” Changbin asked with worry. 

Of course not. I want you to stay. 

“No.no.no.”  Felix shook his hand out in front of him to reassure Changbin. “It’s just we are alone. Isn’t it weird?” Changbin raised a questioning eyebrow asking for Felix to elaborate. 

I wonder if…I can ever repay Changbin back…maybe he doesn’t want money? Maybe something else? I don’t know what though. In movies…It’s usually something… weird…Maybe that’s what Changbin wants…

“No. It’s just. I’ve ever had a one on one sleepover before. Even with Sungie-“ Felix’ face deflated after mentioning Jisung. 

“That’s why I’m staying with you, because you are my friend, and I know for a fact you hate being alone.” 

What did I ever do to deserve such a great friend. I wish I had a crush on Changbin and not Hannie…Maybe it could work out. What if I was with Changbin and made Jisung jealous? No. I can’t do that to Changbinnie. But Binnie has been so nice. What can I do in return? 

“Thank you Binnie. I don’t think I’ll be able to pay you back though…” 

“Trust me Felix. Your company is the best gift to me.” Changbin gave Felix a smile, which Felix reciprocated. 

My company…that’s what they usually say in the movies…does that mean Changbin wants me in that way? Hmm…could I let him have me in that way? I guess since Jisung doesn’t want me…

Felix’ face slowly darkened the more he thought about this way to repay Changbin.

…

“Changbin hyung…” Felix’ said shakily, almost trembling.

“Yes? Is everything okay?” Changbin’s face etched lines of worry about his ball of sunshine. 

Felix stood up, still shaking. He moved in front of Changbin. Changbin tilted his head in confusion. 

Does he want to cuddle? What a cutie.

Felix feel to his knees. Changbin’s posture straightened up from his slouching position. “Lixie are you okay?” Changbin held out his arms for support. 

“You want this. Don’t you?” Felix didn’t hold any malice in his voice, but it was almost a sad tone. 

What does he mean? What do I want?

“What do you mean?” Changbin inhaled with a hitch. 

He doesn’t mean him and Jisung not being together, right? 

Felix doesn’t mean that he and Jisung can’t be together. Of course Changbin doesn’t want that, but it’s not like he would ruin their relationship for his selfish desire. 

He stiffened when Felix placed both his hands on either thigh. The picture did things to Changbin. He could feel his member twitch under the fabric of his boxers. 

“F-Felix? What are you doing?” 

Changbin, no. You can’t be thinking of anything bad. You can’t let Felix know you like him. You can’t be that guy.

“Shh. Binnie Hyung. I know what you want. I think I’ve always known.” Felix gave a sideways glance. “I’ve just never acknowledged it, because I so desperately didn’t want it to be like that, but the more I think about it. It must be like that. I can’t pay you back in any other way. Can I?” Felix looked back up at Changbin with large and glossy eyes. Changbin breath hitched.

Am I dreaming right now? 

“What are you talking about Felix? I told you how to repay me. Just let me be in your company.” Felix was merciless as he slowly dragged his hands up Changbin’s thighs sending goosebumps to every inch of Changbin’s body. The shiver that followed didn’t help Changbin’s case. 

“I know you want me.” Felix whispered. Changbin had dreamt of this. Felix seducing him, then providing pleasure to his hyung. It’s what Changbin desires. A cold sweat breaks out and his heart rate had accelerated. Changbin’s thoughts travelled back to the time they baked brownies together. Felix stared at Changbin’s crotch.

Changbin noticed what Felix was doing and heat flared onto his face, as he gulped. Felix’ hands travelled up more and more by the second. Heat following Felix and transferring to Changbin. Changbin couldn’t calm his heart. He finally knows what’s happening. The tension in the air just proves his assumption. His bulge in his pants confirms it even more. Felix’ hands travel past Changbin’s clothed member and up under Changbin’s shirt to finally reach his belt. Changbin felt Felix’ warm hands gently touch the skin of his lower stomach. It was so sensitive that his muscle spasmed. 

“It looks big…I hope- I-I’ll be enough for- you.” Felix didn’t sound confidant at all. 

Changbin’s brain was foggy, he was unable to think clearly. He could only focus on touch and feelings. He felt vulnerable to Felix. The sound of his belt unbuckling was caught in his ears, Felix’ sallow breathing too. Changbin looked at Felix to make sure he was okay. He wasn’t. Tears rolled down his cheeks, as his hands clumsily tried unbuckling Changbin’s pants. This sight took the fogginess form Changbin’s brain and sucked it out. Changbin knew he wanted Felix. He desired Felix so much it hurt, but he didn’t want Felix like this.

“Felix.” Changbin was stern in his voice, making Felix flinch. “Stop this.” Felix was just shaking while frozen. Changbin gently grabbed hold of Felix’ hands and guided them away from himself. Changbin then fixed his belt.

A gasp caused Changbin to look up at Felix. “I’m s-sorry. I just t-thought” Felix covered his mouth with his hands. 

“Shh. No Felix. It’s Okay.”

“No!” Felix screamed. “I-I just thought… you liked me…I’m sorry…I’m an idiot. I’m sorry. I got mixed signals…I shouldn’t have I just assumed you wanted something in return and if not money, than in the movies it’s usually…” Changbin’ mouth was agape, but then frowned in concern with his eyebrows. Felix had brought his hands up to cup his face. Changbin then proceeded to swat beside him. 

“Oh. Lixie. You’re not an idiot…and… I do like you. I really like you Felix, but not enough to see you push through this heartbreak so quickly for my sake. I think you are brave. You are brave for coming to Korea. You are brave for helping out Hyunjin the other day, and so brave for having the courage to ask out the person you like. 

I guess I like you so much because you are brave, creative, and such a wonderful human being. I love you Felix for being you.” Changbin confessed, as Felix stared at him with starry eyes. “But that being said. I want you to remember that you’re my friend first, and I care about you so much. We all do.” Changbin smiled affectionately. Felix’ freckles seemed to burst to life, as his cheeks raised and little eye wrinkles formed. 

Man…You are too bright for this world Felix. 

“So, you aren’t gonna leave after what I just did?” Felix asked shyly while blindly repeatedly. 

“I’ll never leave.” Changbin reassured Felix with a gently pat on the back. 

I’ll never leave you…sunshine.