Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This takes place right after Vox Machina got kicked out of the tavern in episode 1.

Urielhis family, Cassandra (still has Briarwood influence however it is much weaker in the theater), Vox Machina, Allura, Kima, Kaylie, and Shuan Gilmore.

“What the…” Vax trailed off the first to recover

“Where are we… Cass,” Percy continued suddenly very pale. Vox Machina turned towards Percy confused at the sudden raw emotion.

“Percy,” Cassandra tried to remain neutral both excited that her brother is alive and healthy by the looks of it, but also disappointed that he never came back for her. By now Percy had tears in his eyes as he slowly touched Cassandra to make sure she was real. Upon her brother reaching out initially flinching at the contact but as soon as Percy began to pull away she enveloped him in a hug. 

“How is this possible you died? I watched you… I saw you die.”. Percy whispered in Cassandra's ear.

“And I watched you abandon me,” Cassandra replied stiffly, pulling away, remembering desperately holding out her hand for her brother to take it.

“Percy whose this?” Vex began walking forward

“Ya she hot,” Scanlan whistled

“She's my sister,” Percy's voice had a slightly deadly edge to it.

“Who I’ll never look at again,” Scanlan backed up nervously

“HELLO VOX MACHINA and others! I am your host Darcy. Please use they/them pronouns when referring to me. Tonight we will be watching The Legends of Vox Machina. In which the Author of this Fanfiction and the person who gave me the power to achieve this does not own this T.V. series and owns none of you fascinating characters except me. Any questions?”

“Yes.” Vex

“Good. Let's begin.”

“Wait, we're famous enough to have a T.V. show” Scanlan perked up very excited

“What the…” Pike began

“Oh, and swearing is strictly prohibited and all swearing in the show is bleeped out because the author is weird like that,” everyone began to grumble, “now please introduce yourselves,” 

“Scanlan Shorthalt here…” Scanlan said stepping up first

“Wait your Scanlan Shorthalt

+,” Kaylie interrupted whatever Scanlan was going to say next.

“Yes and who are you gorgeous,” Kaylie wrinkled her nose in disgust.

“Kaylie,”

“It's nice to meet you Kaylie I’m Pike Trickfoot,”

“Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski De Rolo the III,” Percy spoke very fast, making much of the room blink slightly dazed.

“I’m unfortunately his sister Cassandra,” Percy winced at the unfortunate part and all of Vox Machina narrowed their eyes at her.

“He’s Vax,”

“And she’s Vex,” the twins pointed at each other. 

“Grog Strongjaw,” Grog, who had been unusually quiet, spoke loudly, startling a decent portion of the room. 

“I’m Keyleth of the Air Ashari,” Keyleth spoke up nervously. 

“Shuan Gilmore and may I just say it's lovely to see you again Vax’ildan,” Shuan leaned forward. Vax copied this movement until they were pretty close to each other.

“And it good to see you as well Shuan,”

“Well if you two are done there are more people who need to be introduced,” Vex interrupted the two.

“Yes thank you, I am the Sovereign Uriel Tal’Dorei II,” Uriel stood forward

“I’m Empress Salda, and these are our children Odessa, Illiya, and Gren,” she gestured oldest to youngest.

“I am Allura Vysoren,”

“Kima,”

“Great, now we can start,” and Darcy started the show.

“[narrator] Long ago,

in another realm”

“Another realm why would they start there,” Allura wondered aloud

“They mean this one, this show is just shown to people in another universe,” Darcy informed everyone.

“So people are like constantly watching us?” Keyleth asked nervously to which she got no response however the room got much more tense.

“stood the majestic kingdom of Tal'Dorei. Once the battlefield of gods and titans, its lands now harbor magic, wonder and mystery. It was a time of peace... , ...until a great evil arrived. A brave group of heroes banded together,”

“I don’t think we’ve ever been described that way before,” Keyleth muttered

“ready to face this evil.”

“Hate to break it to you darling but that's not us,” Vex drawled

“Hold fast. The beast approaches.

[beast snarling]

[whooshing]

- [screams]

- What the f*ck?”

Uriel and Salda quickly scrambled to cover their children's eyes while Allura sighed at the mercenaries they hired incompetence. 

“You shall pay for y...

- Holy sh...

- [screams]

Humanity will never fall to y...

[narrator] Well,

that was... something.”

They couldn’t help it, most of the room laughed in some way.

“f*ck!

All of our mercenaries slaughtered like lambs.

I state my case again, Sovereign Uriel: send our army to challenge whatever this fiend is before it decimates the entire kingdom.

[Fince] Perhaps

we have been ill-advised

in our strategy, sire.”

“Ya no sh… kidding,” Vax grumbled

“I propose we attempt to capture the beast”

“Oh yes, excellent idea to get killed,” Percy rolled his eyes sarcastically. 

“and use it as a weapon against our enemies.

I must object, Sir Fince. We don't even know what the creature is. Demon? Elemental? And how do you propose we capture it?

Lady Allura is right.”

“Thank you,” Allura smiled

“- But sire...

- I will not send our remaining army beyond the city walls until we know who or what our enemy is. We must find more mercenaries.

And where, might I ask? The Torian Butchers are butchered, the murder Hobos murder, the Death Dealers are all dead.”

“We saw and may I say that they lived up to their names,” Cassandra mentioned dryly.

“- Then find someone worthy!

- [gasps]

Do not rest until you bring me the greatest band of mercenaries in all of Tal'Dorei.

[people chanting] Chug,

chug, chug!”

“Us!?!” Vox Machina turned towards Uriel flabbergasted. 

“Chug! Chug! Chug!

[grunting, exhales]

- [cheering]

- Yeah!

That's right! Who's the best?

Yeah!

Grog wins. Again.

[sighs] f*ck me. Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size?”

“Yes truly worthy,”  Allura sighed

Because it's the fastest way to get drunk, obviously.

“Duh, what kind of question is that,” Pike asked rhetorically 

“[slurring] Who's drunk? Not me. I'm great. I think we should go to another...another... [retches]

Didn't you only have one ale?

[gags] Oh. So chunky.”

The whole room made comments on how gross that was. 

“[groans] Watch it, b*tch.

[grunts]

Hey. You watch it, dicknose.

Easy, Grog. We don't waste our time on talking to a**holes, remember?”

“At least the words are bleeped out for the kids,” Salda muttered

“- Hmm.

- Oi, tavern keep. Another round for Vox Machina, the greatest band of mercenaries in all the realm.

[laughs] The greatest? I heard you couldn't even rescue a cow from a burning barn.

[laughter]

"Vox Machina." What a f*cking joke.

[Vax] Let's keep things civil, friend. We're not looking for trouble.

- Oh, I'll bet you ain't.

- [people gasping]

Everyone knows you're a bunch of pathetic losers who can't get a f*cking job.”

“Oi bet there regretting saying that now,” Vex mentioned annoyed

“Look at your scrawny ass. Too weak to tickle your own pickle.”

“Hey mom, what does that mean?” Illiya asked

“I’ll tell you when your older,” Salda glared at Vax

“It's not my fault,” Vax complained

“Are you offering to help?”

“Ok that one was on me,”

“Yeah. U-Uh, well, no. I... f*ck you!

Oh, I'm only asking you to give me a hand.

- [screams]

- [snarls]

[Grog] You know, Vax, I think he's willing.”

“Cool,” Gren whispered. “I mean not cool,” seeing his mom give him the ‘look’

“Ooh, can I keep this?”

“Why do you need a hand?” Kima asked

“I think it's best we don’t ask,” Allura cut off any answer that Vox Machina may have given

“[grunts] Don't just stand there gawking, louts. kill them!

[snarls, grunts]

[all shouting]

[belches]

[both] I had him.

- [gun clicks]

- Hmm.

- I'm coming, Percy!

- Oh, no.”

“Certainly an organized bunch,” Uriel muttered sarcastically much to his wifes amusement

“Oops.

- [snarls]

- [roars]

Pike, love, can you try to stay out of the way?

Hey, come on. You tripped over me.

I'll take that.

Not bad, brother.

- [whistles]

- [shouts]”

“Such chaos,” Allura sighed

“Why does this happen every time we go out drinking?”

“Every time,” Cassandra raised her eyebrows

“Yes,” Percy looked down ashamed 

“[whistles]

[roars]

Good boy, Trinket.

Over here.

[screams]

Grog, step aside. Oh, bollocks. Where the hell is Scanlan?”

“Uriel, Salda. Cover your children's eyes,” Darcy warned

“♪ ♪

♪ La, da, da ♪

♪ La, da, da,

my lady's rose I will pluck ♪”

“SCANLAN,” an immediate uproar from Vox Machina

“Good one Scanlan,” Grog chuckled

“♪ My love,

it's time for us to ♪

- [screaming]

- For goodness' sakes. 

Percy, the hell, man? If you want to join in, you got to ask first.”

“I’m good thank you,” Percy responded

“Anytime,” Scanlan replied. Kaylie wrinkled her nose. That is much more of her dad than she ever wanted to see.

“Scanlan, I should've known. Could you put on some pants and help us?”

“Yes please put on pants,” Uriel winced at the things he never thought he would have to say to the potential future protectors of Tal’dorei

“You got to be sh*tting me. Stop! First, you people drink me dry, then you destroy my tavern. And-and what is that gnome doing with my daughter?

- [squealing laughter]

- Mmm... [chuckles] It's probably best you don't know.”

Salda gave Scanlan an unamused glance.

“Who's paying for all this?

Goodness, such a mess. Absolutely dreadful. But I can assure you, darling, Vox Machina will find those responsible...

Uh-uh, don't even try it. Money, now.

Well, you see… We don't exactly have any money on us, per se,”

“And that's why we keep getting kicked out of taverns,” Keyleth sighed

“but if you give me five...

[all screaming]

Uh, hello? Yes, excuse me. Ah. [chuckles] Thank you, much appreciated.

[tavern keeper] And stay out!

Does this mean we're officially banned from every tavern in Emon?”

“Is that even possible?” Kaylie wondered aloud

“For Vox Machina I’m not surprised,” Shuan answered the young gnome.

“[grunts] Wonderful. We've got no money, no place to live and f*ck all for prospects.

Well, perhaps if someone didn't accidentally decapitate the last fellow who hired us.

Well, I apologized, didn't I?”

“How does that… never mind,” Uriel shook his head confused

“We have a mountain of debts and... oh, good… three silver to our name. We need a job. Anything, at this point.

I mean, if protecting carts from swindlers and kill goblins for gold isn't getting us anywhere, I don't know, maybe… maybe we could try doing some good this time?”

“Thank you Pike,” Salda smiled

“- Nah...

- Boring.

Pike, ethics are a luxury we currently can't afford.”

“Life when your broke,” Vex grumbled

“Have you guys ever thought maybe we're not really meant to do this? I mean, Vex and Vax  only care about themselves.

- [both] Well, f*ck you.”

“I… we care about you,” Vax quickly corrected himself blushing at his slip up.

“Thanks Vax,” Keyleth smiled nervously

“And us too right?” Scanlan interjected whichVax glared at him for ruining the moment.

“- [Keyleth] Grog just wants to murder everyone.

- Yeah, pretty much.”

“Remember we only murder bad people,” Pike patted Grog in the back

“[Keyleth] Percy barely wants to be seen with us in public,”

“That's not true,” Percy protested nervously unsure were he stood with the group

“We know darling,” Vex reassured him

“- and Scanlan wants...

- To bed everyone in the realm. Yes, you can say it, Keyleth. I'm not ashamed.

[sighs] Honestly, why are we even together?”

Everyone who is not a part of Vox Machina felt that they were interrupting a tense, private discussion for them.

“Well, while you're all moping around, I have to drain the proverbial basilisk. [whistling] [sighs] Hmm?

- [grunts, shouts]

- Oh... Oh, apologies.”

“Ewww, thats gross,” Illiya

“- [chuckles] It has a mind of its own sometimes.

- [stammers] What's the matter with you?”

“A lot of things,” Scanlan admitted proudly

“- Come on.

- Hmm.

[Scanlan] This! This is our purpose. Fighting for justice, for glory, protecting the kingdom and stuff. And most importantly… [whoops]... lots of money!”

Allura face palms

“[snarls]

[birds chirping]

[grunts] We're really gonna see the sovereign looking like this?

[guard] Halt. Okay, we'll take you in, but the bear waits outside.

[growls]

[sniffs, grunts]

It's okay, buddy. We'll be back soon.

[growls]

[Uriel] Lady Kima, it is imperative Lord and Lady Briarwood join us.”

Both Percy and Cassandra share a glance and sit very tensely. This is noted but not commented on by everyone.

“- Sire, Whitestone hasn't been heard from in months.

- [Keyleth] Excuse me?

- Our last messenger never returned.

- Excuse me?

[Uriel] They must be warned of these attacks. Send another guardsman straight away.

- [belches]

[belch echoes]”

“Thanks for the help Grog,” Pike looked up at her buddy

“Anytime Pikey,”

“I'm sorry, who the hell are you?

Vox Machina. You see, it's actually a somewhat clever play on words...

Honestly, we don't care.

Sire, I warned you the notices would attract the scum of Emon.

Excuse you?

I think Sir Fince means a foe this deadly requires more seasoned...

- Krieg, don't bother with these drunken buffoons. Guards?

[grunting]

Buffoons? Clearly you've never heard of the Legend of Vox Machina.”

“Clearly were so famous that were heard of in other realms,” Scanlan pointed out

“Allow me to give you a proper introduction.

Oh, g*ds, here we go.”

“Well it certainly caught my attention,” Uriel pointed out

“♪ Your Excellence tried the best fighters ♪ ♪ Who've adventured far and wide ♪ ♪ But I promise ♪ ♪ That you've never met a troop so qualified ♪ ♪ There's Grog our mighty giant ♪ ♪ He's a simpleminded hulk ♪ ♪ And Percy's pepperbox can blow apart ♪”

Percy's weapon caught stairs from those who have never seen it before except in that little bar fight earlier.

“♪ Your f*cking skull ♪ ♪ Nature hath no fury ♪ ♪ Quite like Keyleth the Ashari ♪ ♪ Controlling plants and animals ♪ ♪ She's a magical safari ♪ ♪ The twins Vex and Vax ♪ ♪ She sh**t, he hides in the pitch ♪ ♪ They're stealthy and quite deadly ♪ ♪ But I forget

which one is which ♪”

“So do I,” Odessa admitted 

“- He's Vax.

- She's Vex.”

“Thank you,” Odessa responded to the twins' second introduction.

“♪ Pike's divinity is pure ♪ ♪ Her hands can always heal ♪ ♪ Oh, and did I mention

we have a bear? ♪ ♪ Trinket, no big deal ♪ ♪ And as for myself? My name is Scanlan ♪

♪ The man with the phat purple hand ♪ ♪ My music's the jam, going ham, you can't stand it ♪ ♪ Get some water, hide your daughters ♪”

“Really Scanlan?” Pike asks just simply tired

“- [clears throat]

- Oh. Uh, sorry. ♪ Brave warriors are we and far more clever than a fox ♪ ♪ They'll tell tale of our exploits ♪ ♪ In the Legend ♪ ♪ Of Vox ♪ ♪ Machina ♪”

“And I was right,” Scanlan pointed out once again.

“- [retches]

- Uh, thank you very much.

- Oh.

- Mm, okay. Uh...

- Uh...

- Give the council a moment to discuss your curious group.

You can't be seriously considering them for such a crucial task. Sovereign, their reputation is less than stellar.

Well, they do have a bear. It looked quite ferocious. And the song was entertaining. Why not give them a chance?”

“Honey, darling, love of my life,” Salda starts out and immediately Uriel starts sweating bullets, “please tell me you didn’t send a group of mercenaries potentially to their death because you found the entertaining and liked their bear.”

“Nooo?” 

“Perhaps there is more than meets the eye with these warriors.

- [snoring]

- Eh?

Yeah, doubt it.

Let's just call in Agar's Assassins again.

Uh, Agar apparently had his hand chopped off in a barroom brawl.”

The entire room turned towards Vox Machina who looked unabashed for the most part.

“[quietly] Oh, shit.

- [high-pitched ringing]

- [grunts]”

The council and Cassandra looked confused at Vex.

“[Uriel] Very well. You're hired, Vox Machina. Mainly because I like the bear.”

“Uriel!”

“I haven’t done it yet!”

“Lady Allura will accompany you to the Shale Steps, the village closest to the last attack. 

So, what exactly are we killing, and how much are we making?”

“By far the more important question,” Vex agreed

“[Krieg] We don't know what you're killing, but once you kill it,all this is yours.

[Scanlan] Uh, one more question. Yeah, how are we supposed to get there?

[giggles]

[Vex] Brother, I am telling you I felt it, right there in the throne room. I haven't felt that since…”

Even Vox Machina looked curiously at the twins who said nothing.

“Isn't this ship amazing? There's two bathrooms downstairs. Hey, by the way, why are you both whispering like we can't hear you?

- Can you mind your business for once, gnome?

[muttering]

As you can see, the creature has already razed three villages and miles of farmland.”

“That terrible,” Keyleth covered her mouth and Pike quickly agreed with her

“If this evil persists, the kingdom will starve to death.

This mission sounds kind of deadly. [chuckles]

- Do we really want to do this?

- Yes, this task is dangerous, which is why only the most noble, heroic and true...

- Yeah, yeah, nobility and heroism is fine and all, but we're in this for the money.

I see. So it's coin over character.”

“Allways,” Scanlan and Vex grinned before Vex groaned at agreeing with Scanlan.

“Not surprising.

- [wind whistling]

- [wood creaking]

[grunts]

The Shale Steps are beyond that hill. Good luck. Please don't, oh, f*ck this up, as they say.”

The room looked gobsmacked at Allura swearing.

“Thanks for the sweet ride. You'll be back to pick us up later, right?

[birds cawing]

Yeah, she'll be back. What are we doing here again?

The last attack was just south of here.

We're gonna ask around, see if anyone knows anything

Ask around.

[Keyleth] Excuse me, green friend Have you seen any evil wizards or giant monsters passing through here?

- Uh...

- That's kind of weird.”

“Why?”

“Most people can’t talk to plants Keyleth,” Percy explained

“Oh right sorry forgot,” Keyleth blushed at the attention 

“[fisherman] Nah, it was too foggy. All we saw was dark clouds, lightning. We thought it was a storm.

Oh, you didn't see anything, huh? How convenient, Mr. Fisherman, if that is your real name.

- Whoa...

- Okay, maybe let me handle the questioning, Scanlan. I'm sorry about him.

[mother] You're a priest of sorts, aren't you? Could you bless our house? Protect it from this evil?

- Uh… A-A blessing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Uh, no problem. Okay, here goes. May the Everlight shine upon your home. Everything will be tip-top. Okay. I'm sure you'll survive these trying times, so, good luck?”

“I thought you were a holy person?” Gren tilted his head innocently

“I am I just don’t uh, bless things that often,” Pike smiled unsure. 

“Are you sure you're a holy person?

Yeah, I'm-I'm just, uh, out of practice. I don't really bless a lot of houses these days.

Thank you, dear. I'm sure it'll be enough

to keep our family safe.”

“Lets hope,” Pike whispered

“[gasps]

Wow.

- Are you a wizard?

- [chuckles] Nah. The magic's all in the fingers, kid.

[gasps]

Wow.

And now it's in yours.

Whoa.

That's real silver. Keep it safe.”

“So we're down to one silver,” Vex sighed at her brother giving away valuable money.

“There's a monster roaming about.

- You mean flying.

- What's that?

Something flew right over us. It knocked down the big tree on the hill.

We heard wings beating but we couldn't see it in the storm. But it was big. Really big.

Yeah.”

“Well Vax I suppose you giving away precious funds were worth something,” Vex grinned cheekily at her brother

“[birds squawking]

[Vex] Get over here. Trinket found something.

- [sniffing]

The tracks are too muddy to discern. But it looks like it took to the air and flew along the coast.

- Whoa. [chuckles]

- [grunts]

Think you'll be needing this.

Ah.

Now they look… human?

[grunts] It's close. Everyone, get ready.

[rustling]

[bleats]”

The entire room started laughing

“[laughs] Get the f*ck out. What, a little lamb was behind all the mayhem? Oh, don't let that thing bite you, Vex.”

“Do you really think that is the monster,” Uriel questioned Grog 

“Duh what else could it be,”

“[grunting]

[bleating]

[beast snarling]”

“Not the goat,” Illiya cried

“Oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck.

f*ck!

[shouts]

- [panting]

- [roars]

[grunts, panting]

[booming step]

- I suggest we run. Right now!

- [Grog] f*ck that. We fight!”

“That does not seem like a smart plan,” Salda muttered

“That's Vox Machina for you,” Gilmore smiled

“[roaring]

Grog, you dumb, brave a**hole!

[Grog roaring]

[grunting]

[gasps] Grog's down already?

Come on!

[growls]

[grunting]

[low growl]

[screeches]

Keyleth! A little magic might help.

[gasping breaths]

- We're in serious trouble here.

- [dragon roars]

Keyleth, snap out of it.

Keyleth!

- Keyleth!

- Sorry. Um…”

“That is seriously not helping my internal freak out,” Keyleth complained

“Okay. Okay.

[whooshing]

[thunder crashing]

[snarls]

[fierce yell]

[thunder crashing, wind rushing]

Did I just make it worse?

[roars]

[shield whirring]

[growling]

[loud rumbling]

- [Vex] Look out!

- [gasping]

[debris settling]

[booming steps]

[sniffing, grunting]

[low growl]

[dragon screeches]

[wingbeats recede in distance]”

“I mean it can’t end here

“[Scanlan] Uh, get me out. Get-get me out!I'm trapped under Grog's ass!

[straining]

[Percy] So… this is what rock bottom feels like.”

“Oh I assure you Percy life can get much lower,” Cassandra said a little coldly. Percy winced in return. Vox Machina didn’t understand why Cassandra was being so harsh on their friend. Percy clearly missed her in any case.

“At least we're still alive, thank the Everlight.

And thanks to Keyleth for the giant shrub. But did you have to make it so thorny? [groans]

That dragon. We almost... died.

[pants]

Except we didn't die. Because of you, Keyleth. You hear me?”

“Thank you Keyleth,” all of Vox Machina cheered and clapped, making Keyleth blush.

“We're alive because of you.

- Grog. You're hurt.

- Nah. Just a flesh wound. No big.

[groans]

Question: Is this normal?

- Oh, no. - Holy shit.

- I'm gonna throw up.”

A lot of the room looked green.

“Hold still, old friend. I got you.

[whirring]

[groaning]

Oh, I feel better already. Thanks, Pike. You're the best.

[sighs]

That... took a lot out of me.

- I got you.

- Oh. Uh, thanks. Oh, uh, you can put me down now.

Oh. Yeah.

Uh... yeah.

All right, f*ck Uriel and all of this,”

There was a sharp intake of breath because of the blatant disrespect before people slowly flanked toward Uriel who merely raised his eyebrows.

“we're done here. We didn't sign up for certain death.

Must I remind you we gave our word to the council? That should probably mean something.”

“It does,” Allura sighed

“Oh, who gives a soggy anus about the council? The only word I care about is "Scanlan Shorthalt."”

“That’s not surprising,” Kaylie glared at her (Father) the man who abandoned her mother. 

“I am so confused why you seem to hate me so much,” Scanlan protested

“And that was two words,” Percy also took the opportunity to point out.

“And yes, I know that's two words, but you know what I'm saying.

Yeah. What have those f*ckity-f*ck ever done for us?

Except give us a job and a bunch of gold and treasure and stuff?

We've fought a lot of things… but a dragon? An actual dragon?”

“That's fair I think we're all getting over the shock,” Salda sighed before looking at Vox Machina imploringly, “I do hope you’ll help anyway,”

“It's not about the council, or the contract… it's about these people. They need us. We can't just run away.”

“Thank you Pike,” Uriel smiled at the holy gnome

“This is why I hate traveling with holy people.”

“Thank,” Pike muttered

“- They're too g*ddamned good.

- [Vex] Pike… this creature is beyond us. 

When Vex and I were young, one of those monsters killed our mother.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” a lot of people muttered while Vex and Vax stiffly nodded

“I've studied dragons my entire life, hoping to find the one that did it. I can… feel when they're close. A horrid pain in my head.

Then it's settled.

We'll go back to the palace and get out of the contract.”

“But we saw that happened in the palace,” Percy realized and tension shot through the roof. The dragon was in the palace.

“You don't understand, Percy. I felt it there, too, at the palace.

Y-You're just telling us this now?

I'm sorry. I… I wasn't certain until the dragon… It's been years since Mother...

Are you sure, Vex'ahlia?

I know what I felt. Someone on the council must have been in contact with the dragon, or… I don't know, but I-I'm sure it was real.”

“Ok so new plan,” Vax rubbed his temples

“Then we walk away from all of this. It's not worth it. You heard her. One of them might be working with that monster. Let's just get the hell out of here and never set foot in Emon again. Can we all agree on that?”

Vox Machina nodded a little some of them giving Salda an apologetic look.

“♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, no.”

“No,” Salda gasped

“[Vex] They wiped them out, all of them.

[stifles sob]”

The children started crying

“♪ ♪

[weak groaning nearby]

[weak groan]

- [straining]

- [wood creaking]

[grunting]

[Vax] Pike! Get over here!

[groaning weakly]

[Pike] Please, Everlight, let your power reach him.

Pike. Please.”

“Come on Pike,” Shaun muttered

“Sh*t! No. I can't do it. I'm still too weak from before.

[grunts weakly, exhales]”

Everyone mourned the loss of the child.

“[thunder rumbling]”

“My blessing wasn’t enough, I couldn't… I couldn’t save them,” Pike teared up

“You did everything you could,” Scanlan whispered, surprisingly comforting to Pike. Kaylie was surprised by this bout of sincerity. Maybe her father wasn’t who she thought… no he still abandoned her and her mother to fend for themselves.

We could have stopped this. Should have.

“That's why you came back,” Allura stated aloud

“[Scanlan plucking, tuning stringed instrument]

♪ ♪

What the hell are you doing, Scanlan?

Thinking of a rhyme for "dead dragon." [sighs] 'Cause I… I guess we're killing one.

I'm in.

Uh, I mean I'm not gonna lie, I'm terrified out of my mind.”

“I think that's understandable given your current situation,” Allura nodded to Keyleth

“But I'm in.

- I don't like losin'...

- [thunder crashes]

But now I'm feelin' things, on the inside. They don't feel right. So yeah, I'm with ya.

That was… actually well stated, Grog.”

“Thank you for coming back,” Uriel stated gratefully

“- What was?

- Uh, never mind.

Count me in as well.

You guys… we're doing this. You all realize we're going to die a truly horrible death.

Perhaps, sister. But we'll die gloriously, and we'll kill a f*cking dragon.”

Vox Machina cheered loudly at Vax’ words

“♪ ♪

♪ ♪”

“So whats next,” Cassandra leaned forward excitedly to be watching her brother's adventures and a little enviously too.

Chapter Text

“Episode two is ready to go,” Darcy’s voice filled the room

“ [creatures chittering]

[Krieg] Look sharp, son. We're in for one hell of a battle.

General Krieg, is it true the Shale Steps fell?

People looked down at the reminder.

“Aye. And the monster is still unknown. But you are the Arms of Emon, entrusted by Sovereign Uriel with the safety of the realm. We don't need to know the enemy, we only need know ourselves.”

“He's good at giving speeches,” Vex nodded at his charisma

“Our training, our devotion to this land. No matter the danger, victory is ours if we fight with honor and raise our swords on high.”

You heard the General. For Emon.

- As one!

- [all] As one!

[scoffs] What a load of sh*te.”

Scanlan snorted and Uriel sighed.

“Best finish making camp.

A storm's blowing through tonight.”

“Ummm, didn’t the fisherman say they thought it was a storm before the attack,” Keyleth interjected nervously.

“Oh, no,” Shaun looked down as many started to mourn the soldiers they were about to see die. 

“[bird calls out in distance]

[gasps]

[man] Is that…”

“Is what?” Grog asked confused

“The dragon buddy,” Pike answered

“Oh, right. We’ll kill that right?”

“Sure hope so buddy,”

“[captain] Eyes up. We've got incoming.

[snarls]

Stand your ground. Archers, make ready.

- Let loose!

- [man] fire!

[screaming]

Ready the catapult! Release!

[cheering]”

“It can’t be that easy,” Vax leaned forward

“- Yeah!

- Yeah!

[whooping]

[snarling]

[screaming]

[whimpering]”

Uriel and Salda once again covered their children's eyes. Wincing at the bloodbath in front of them.

“f*ck honor.”

Uriel huffed a little at his soldiers abandoning their post.

“[panting]

[screaming]

[roaring]”

“What a lovely start,” Kaylie put in sarcastically. 

“♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

[Uriel] And you saw it? What did this?

- [Krieg] The beast is a blue dragon, sire. Only a few of us managed to escape.”

“How did he? Now that I think about it?” Kima asked

“My G*ds.

Allura, you've dealt with such creatures in the past. How do we fight it?

Oh, that was a red dragon, years ago.”

“You killed a dragon?” Cassandra turned towards Allura

“Trapped it actually,” there was a new respect for in many eyes.

“Not alone though,” Kima smiles cheekily.

“But to my experience, dragons are fiercely intelligent, calculating creatures. Their machinations run deep.

[door opens]

Ah, Sir Fince finally joins us.”

“I don’t like him, he gives me the creeps,” Grog scowled.

“Could he be the dragon?” Keyleth wondered aloud

“It's either Fince or Krieg. Fince frankly looks like an old lizard and Krieg has had suspiciously good luck,” Percy analyzed. Kima snorted at the old lizard part.

“I agree with Percy on that,” Vex added in

“I hope this crisis hasn't kept you from your skulking.

I've been gathering intelligence we sorely lack. Seems your band of fools have gone missing. Safe to say you've sent Vox Machina to their doom?

Doom? We don't know the meaning of the word.

Uh, I certainly don't.”

“Bad, in this case dead,” Percy instructed Grog.

“Sovereign, hold on to your g*dd*mn crown.”

Uriel looks at Vox Machina rather done.

“We've discovered that the monster is none other than a blue dragon!

[all] We know.

Did you kill it?

I wouldn't say "kill," really. We're still kind of working on that part.”

“Yes we need a plan,” Percy put in

“If you suggest one of your complicated traps Percy I swear I’ll steal all your bullets before we go fight the dragon,” Vax threatened

“Maybe I could serenade it to sleep and then we kill it,” Scanlan offered

“So what traps did you have in mind?” Vax turned back to Percy

“Well…”

“Interrupting this train of thought because we don’t have infinite time for Percy to explain whatever trap he's planning on, let's move on,” Darcy cut off whatever contraption was on Percy’s brain. 

“Thank you,” Grog looked upwards trying to find Darcy only to see the ceiling. 

“[laughs] I can't believe you made it out alive.”

“Neither can I,” Keyleth shook her head.

“How did you survive?

Mm, trade secrets, I'm afraid, Kriegy.

We hid and it flew away.

[laughs] Wait.

- How did we survive that?

- [grunts]

- [high-pitched ringing]”

“The dragons here,” Scanlan whispered loudly

“- [Fince] These blabbering fools are useless, sire. Perhaps if we made an offering to the dragon. Gold in exchange for peace?”

“Hes suspicious,” Illya whispered to her brother

“Totally we should prank him,” Gren whispered back

“I’m in,” Odessa leaned between the two

“No,” Salda offered nothing else to her children's grumbling.

“Why don't we shake its hand and offer it a f*cking pint while we're at it?

A dragon cannot be bartered with. If it desires Emon's destruction, it will not relent.

You heard her, sire. You know what must be done.

But what if it attacks the city? We'd be sitting ducks.

What would you have me do? Let it burn more farmland, slaughter more innocents? No. We will bring the fight to it on our terms. General, you may move our soldiers at dawn.

But sire, you know as…”

“This is a bad plan,” Kima grimaced

“The blood of my people shall not be spilled needlessly,” Uriel glared at Kima

“I have made my decision, Lady Kima. This council is adjourned.

[guard] All right, you heard him. Clear out.

[Pike] Hey, hey, hands off. I'm leaving. Geez.

Uh, don't kill it before we do.

Y-Your offer's still on the table, right?

[guard ] Yes, you are… Oh, yes, you... Oh.

[low groan]

I felt it again, that same feeling I had around the dragon.

[low grunt]

There must be a connection.

One of them is working with that f*ck.”

“Or is the dragon remember the footsteps from last episode,” Cassandra pointed out.

“Uh-huh. Uh-huh, yeah. I bet… I bet it's Allura.”

“Of course it you,” Scanlan accused a very confused Allura

“Why?”

“I never trust anyone prettier than me.”

“Thats why,” que the round of exasperated sighs. 

“Uh-huh, uh-huh. I knew it.

- No, you dipshits. Fince. The creepy one. Looked like a withered piece of scrap leather?

Oh. [chuckles] I didn't catch anybody's name. So, what do we do next?

Vax and Pike go to Gilmore's. Buy us a weapon that can kill a dragon.”

“Oh you immediately thought of me,” Gilmore grinned at the group

“Uh, with what? We're flat f*cking broke.

Please, with the way that man dotes on you, I'm sure you can work something out.”

Vax blushed and glanced at Gilmore, “Now Vax I hope are friendships more than just manipulation,” he said like a joke but Vax has known Gilmore long enough to know that he's both hurt and curious. Vex looked down a little guilty.

“Of course not Shuan. You're my friend, you know that right?” Gilmore smiled as he's known Vax long enough to see the absolute sincerity.

“The rest of us will split up and search for Fince. If you find him, don't let him out of your sight.

That sounds like a plan.

But, uh, you're not the only one with ideas, Vex.

Is that so? Please Scanlan, tell me yours.”

“I’m sure it's brilliant,” Scanlan smiled

“- [growls]

- [yelps] Uh, I'll tell you when I have one.”

“Truly a work of art,” Vex responded to Scanlan.

“[man] You have entered a realm of mystery, of magic, of marvel. Welcome to Gilmore's Glorious Goods! Enchanted curials and magical artifacts at discounted prices. I take gold, silver, platinum... [gasps] Why, if it isn't the mysterious Vax'ildan? [laughs]”

“It's always a pleasure when you enter my shop,”

“Oh, I was hoping you would swing back through again.

[laughs]

Glad to see you've lost none of your charm, Gilmore.

[laughs] Oh, listen to you. Don't. Stop. I can't take it.

- I've missed your visits.

- [Pike clears throat]

- Hi.”

“Sorry its just awkward being between the two of you,” Pike shifted a little

“Don’t worry about it Pickle,” Vax smiled at the gnome

“- So, are you here on business or pleasure?

Uh, business, I'm afraid. We need information on blue dragons.

Hmm?

Particularly, how to kill them.

Well, for , gold, I'll sell you this handy-dandy magic Lance of Dragon Slaying. A fantastic bargain.

[chuckles] We can't presently afford such a weapon, but perhaps some advice for a tiny fee?

Hopefully what you're offering isn't too tiny.”

“That everything you have isn’t it,” Gilmore grimaced a little 

“I-I suppose size isn't everything.

We need to know if blue dragons have any weaknesses.

Weaknesses, eh? Well, to start, they're egomaniacs. They hate being insulted and have tremendous vanity. [chuckles] Not that I can relate.

- [both chuckle]

- Hi. Still here.”

“Again awkward,”

“Is there any way to stop them?

Honestly, there's no simple way to kill a dragon. Even in tomes of old, legends of their destruction are largely poetic drivel.

- [Pike coughs]”

“Come on, is it so hard not to flirt,” Pike complained. Gilmore and Vax shared a glance and smiled.

“- Ah.

"The Wyrm shall only find defeat in the gorge where the twin rivers meet." See? Cute, but… Useless. While dragon anatomy is a topic for many a scholar, anyone close enough to find out seems to get themselves

- snapped up.

- [grunts]

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but you get what you pay for.

Gilmore, this is all very helpful. Even the bullsh*t. If we survive this… [chuckles] ...I owe you dinner.

You owe me more than that, my handsome half-elf.

[Pike] All right, you two, foreplay's over. We should probably go find our friends.”

“Thank goodness that's over, not that I didn’t appreciate the help.” Pike sighed relieved

“[sighs]

So, um,what were we supposed to be doing, again? I don't know, searching for Fince or something.

- G*d, this is boring.

- [women giggling]

[gasps] Hold up.

You know where that creepy little taint-raisin would be? The brothel. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we can investigate there for hours if we need to.”

Vox Machina fondly rolled their eyes. Kaylie glared at her birth father though.

“Yeah, but, won't Vex be kind of p*ssed if we ain't doing what she said to?”

“I would,” Vex gave Scanlan a look

“I don't give a wet fart what she thinks. Clearly, I'm the brains of this operation.”

“Are you now,” Vex voice hard

“Really? 'Cause she told me you have "d*ck for brains," which doesn't seem possible.

[groans] You know what, screw Vex and her stupid feather head. I'm going to the brothel.

[gasps]

[stammers]

[gulping]

[Scanlan] It's that thin-lipped crypt keeper.

- Come on.

- [belches]

[Grog] Hey, can you see him from up there?

[shushes] That way. Across the street. He's sneaking up to that fancy manor.

- Oh! The f*ck... f*ck...

- Hmm?”

“Look at that you can be useful,” Vex voiced 

“Okay. That skanky goat groper is up to no good. You keep an eye on that house, I'll go get the others.

Right. Can you pick me up a sandwich on the way back?

What? A sandw... No. I'm not going on a food run, dummy.

[whimpers] Please?

[sighs] what do you want?”

“Thank Scanlan,” Grog beamed and Scanlan gave a smile and a fond eye roll in return.

“ Mmm. [grunting] So good.

[sighs] Sturdy lock. Nothing a little magical song can't handle.”

“How is music going to open a door?” Percy looked confused towards Scanlan

“[clears throat]

♪ Open your back door, baby ♪

♪ Loosen your hinges, I'll show you my key ♪

Damn. That usually works.

What if I heat the metal and melt the lock?

[grunting]

What the hell, Keyleth? This is imported silk.

The lock doesn't seem to be magical. 

I'm not sensing anything.

Can you people do nothing right? It's just a d*mn door.

Hmm? [grunts] Hmm? All it takes is a little finesse. Amateurs.”

“Thank you brother,” Vex pinched her nose

“That was my toothpick.

Wow. This place is fancy. Apparently Krieg lives here. And has dreadful taste in art.

Oh, sh*t. I bet Fince is here to assassinate his *ss.

Oh, you think?

Why don't you three head to the second floor?

Scanlan and Grog, search the attic.

- Vax and I will start here.

- [clicking]

Or maybe we all just go check the cellar.

[Scanlan] Aha! We caught you blue-handed, chicken humper!”

“I suppose we were right then,” Percy leaned forward

Drop your blade.

What? No, no, you don't understand. I'm not stealing anything.

Of course you're not. And that sword isn't to murder General Krieg with, either, right?

Pike, I think it is.”

Vox Machina excluding Grog sighed at once.

“You must listen to me. These documents are evidence. General Krieg is planning to...

[shouts]

[gasps]

[Vex] What?

- [Vex] Krieg!

- [Vax] Krieg!

Nice bloody technique.

How do you stay so quiet in that armor?”

“It is actually really impressive armor is loud,” Pike nodded

“[high-pitched ringing]”

“Its Krieg,” Vex’ eyes widened realizing the situation were now in

“[exhales] Oh, no.

[shouts]

He's the one, in league with the...

Of course it was me. I championed you because you're a bunch of witless oafs who no one gives two sh*tes about.”

The statement hit harder than it should have with the group. Vex and Vax gave each other a look. Pike and Scanlan both shifted a little closer to Grog and Percy looked down. 

“You've been lucky so far, but you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into.

I've got him.

Finesse, huh?

Krieg!

He's gone.

Quite the keen observation, Scanlan.

There must be a hidden exit or trap door.

Fan out.

Look for some kind of fulcrum.

Wait, a f*ck room?

I mean, that's what I heard.

A lever, a button. Just... stand over there, Grog, and don't touch anything.

Whoa.

You guys, everything in this room is magical.

Where do we even start?

Oh. [gasps]

Oh, my.

Oh, how booty-ful. [gasps]

This guy really has a thing for dragons.

[Grog chuckling]

Grog, it's rude to stare.

- Grog, you're being gross.”

“Come on buddy,” Pike sighed fondly

“- [chuckling]

[grunting]

Oh! Keyleth, you found it!

It's a portal! [exhales] Nice work.

Brilliant, really.

[chuckles] Oh. It was nothing.

She threw a book at a head. It was nothing.

[gasps]

My arms. Scanlan, lookit!

[gasps] They're in the booty.

That is so cool.

Listen, if we're gonna fight Krieg, we have to do this as a team, all right? Organized. As one.”

“If that's where the odds lie then we are very dead,” Percy looked down realizing that if he died now then he would never discover that his sister is still alive.

“Please, we... [chuckles] We don't do organized. Look at us. We're Vox Machina. We f*ck sh*t up.”

“That should be our motto,” Scanlan proposed

“I don’t know Scanlan what's the motto with you,” Grog responded scratching his head. The kids giggled and the groan ups groaned. Some tried to work out whether or not Grog was being serious.

“Can we at least try? Can we at least go, already?

Lead the way, big man.

[groans]

You know what, guys, uh, good luck.I'm just gonna keep a lookout from here. [shouts]

- [shouts]

- [shivering]

So cold. What is this place?

High in the mountains, I'd say.

[Vax] Wherever we are, we're far from Emon.

[Scanlan] No way.

- [shivering] Gold.

- [gasping]

- Gold. [laughing] Gold!

- [Grog laughing]”

“You're in a dragon horde in extreme amounts of danger and you're distracted… by gold.”. Allura turned towards the group

“Yep, sounds about right,” came agreements from Vox Machina.

“Seems excessive for a council member.

Seems excessive for anyone.

- [Grog] Yeah!

- [chuckling]

[grunts]

Magic scrolls, jewels, potions.

Is this a troll d*ck?”

“Uhg,” Pike wrinkled her nose

“Think of all the ale I could buy.

Buddy, we could be drunk for weeks. Days, even!”

“You could use all that money in only a couple days,” Kaylie gritted her teeth remembering how hard her mom worked for the little money they had.

“Yup,” Scanlan nodded and Kaylie glared at him, “what the big guy consumes a lot of ale.” 

“You know what, Uriel can keep his paltry payment.

We're rich!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait! This gold didn't fall out of the f*cking sky. This is a horde!”

Allura sighed, “yes indeed it is,”

“- We're in the dragon's lair!

- [grunts]

Those are pretty. But also… ominous.

[gasps]

[otherworldly voice] Intruders.

[rumbling]

I didn't do that. Did I do that?

I don't think I did that.

[groans]

[Krieg] I must say, I'm impressed. To tell you the truth, I was certain you would die the moment you met the mighty Brimscythe. But it seems some vermin

are harder to kill than others.”

All of Vox Machina and some others glared at the screen. 

“You-you wanted Uriel to send the entire army out of Emon. So your dragon friend could wipe them out.”

Urial paled and gripped his family tighter realizing how he'd been played.

“I apologize, Lady Kima. it appears you were right,” Urial looked at the halfling, recalling her telling him at the beginning of the episode that Kriegs plan was not a good one. Kima nodded and accepted the apology. 

“The Age of Man is coming to an end. There was a time when dragons ruled all of Tal'Dorei, when we ruled the entire world. 

Did he just say "we"?”

“The footprints,” Vex’ eyes widened remembering how they went from beast to human. It appears everyone else caught her meaning as well.

“[growling]

[roars]

Didn't see this one coming, did you, Vex?

[growling]

- [screams]

- Grog!

[grunts, groans]

- Are you all right?

- Um, no.”

“It appears this is going poorly,” Percy muttered

“Obviously,” Cassandra rolled her eyes

“You wound me sister,”

“I just pointed out that for being the smart one you have  a habit of saying the obvious,” Percy gave his little sister a mock glare and the two laughed a little. Percy staring at his sister a little hopeful only for her to turn away. Meanwhile Cassandra had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. Why did she trust the Briarwoods again? The rest of Vox Machina looked a little surprised. It's rare that you see Percy laugh.

“- [Brimscythe roaring]

- [all screaming]

A tickle. Let me return the favor.

Sh*t. [exclaims]

Aah!

[grunts]

Fools. I'll devour you all.

Huh?

[sniffs, growls]

Pike? Pike? Pike? Pike?! Pike?!

- [screams]

- [grunting]

[both grunt]

- Look out!

- [grunts]

Vax, did Gilmore give you any insight on how to kill this thing, or did you two flirt the whole time?”

“They flirted the whole time,” Pike mumbled annoyed 

“Sh*t. Right, right. Uh, uh, dragons are vain, arrogant,  egotistical... [grunts]

- [growling]

[Vex] I know that already. I studied them, remember?

- [grunts]

- Doesn't matter. We can't do shit if it's in the air.

[Vax] "Where the twin rivers meet."”

“You mean that useless poetry was actually helpful,” Scanlan said, annoyed.

“You get what you pay for,” Vax smiled flirtatiously at Gilmore who wiggled his eyebrows back. Keyleth looked down a little awkwardly.

“The neck. You see that? We have to get it on the ground. Vex, do you hear me?!

Yes! This way. I've got a plan.

- Aw, another one?

- Shut up.

[gasps]

Look, okay, for once, you were right. Maybe we don't fight as one. Maybe we do what we do best.”

“Cause chaos and destruction with no remorse,” Scanlan grinned

“With some remorse actually,” Keyleth piped up, “and with a lot of mental breakdowns thrown in,”

“Sounds about right,” Percy sighed pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What? We have no best.

[Brimscythe cackles]

So, what do you want us to do? Run out and yell, "Hey, dragon man, we don't know what the f*ck we're doing"?”

Vex’ eyes light up, “oh that's brilliant,”

“[growls]

Ha! You think you can hide in my lair?

Hey, taint smear!

You're in my way again, you ape.

What'd you call me?

Maybe I'll squash you, too.

Oh, as if either of you could kill anything. A preening, peacoated peacock

and a witless goon.”

The room turned to vox machina in complete confusion as they all realized what they were doing.

“[Percy] You watch yourself, peasant.

If the three of you will shut up already and let me kill this inflated windbag…”

Allura actually chokes a little at that. Brimscythe would not like that at all.

“[growls]

kill me? I am the iron storm. You are nothing but insects!

[all scream]

[laughs]

Pathetic.”

“I’m sorry,” Urial blinked, feeling whiplash, “But what is going on here?”

“[Brimscythe] What?

- Impossible!

- [Scanlan clears throat]

- Gotcha.

- Now!

[Keyleth] Oh, come on. Come on, come on, come on. You got this.”

“Go Keyleth!/ You got this/ you're so cool,” the three little kids cheered for Keyleth who turned pink.

“I have faith in you Keyleth,” Vax smiled at the already blushing Keyleth who turned an even darker shade of pink.

“[grunts]

[panting, grunts]

[roars]

[panting]

[grunting]

Scanlan's Hand!

[grunting]

[roaring]

Light him up, Vex.

[screams]

I will sunder your bones.

- Look who's nice and low.

- [sneers]

I would like to… rage!”

“Brimscythe is screwed now you got him buddy,” Pike cheered for her best buddy

[roaring]

[shouting]

[all grunt]

[Grog groans]

Is he dead?”

“I can’t believe we're all alive right now,” Percy shakes his head. Kaylie tried to squash down the relief that her father was safe.

“[Chuckles softly]

We did that.

We did that, right?

It seems being a bunch of a**holes has its merits.

[Grog grunts]

- Souvenir?

- [scoffs]

Proof we kill the scaly turd.

Huh. You know, you're a lot smarter than we give you credit for, Grog.”

“Its true,” Pike smiled at her best buddy and smiled back appreciatively. 

“- Yep, I'm a genius.

- Huh?

- Aw, f*ck this day.

- Oh!

- Exit strategy?

- Run!

[Scanlan] Wait!The-the loot!

[grunts]”

“Thats not whats important right now,” Kima groaned 

“[groans]

D*mn it!”

“This isn’t the time to broad brother,” Vex glared at Vax

“We got him, kid.”

The room softened remembering the little boy who died last episode. Who would die soon unless they changed things. 

“[Uriel] Vox Machina, for your selfless heroism, I proclaim you all Protectors of the Realm and honorary members of the council of Tal'Dorei. I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

[all laugh]

Oh, how I've missed respectability.

Yes, yes, yes, that's all fine and good, but where is the... Ah.

There we are.

[chuckles]

Payday. Uh… Keys? Parchment?”

“Where's the money,” Vex whipped around towards Urial.

“- Where's our reward?

- [Uriel] You're holding it. The deed to your new keep here in Emon. We need our protectors close at hand to, you know, protect.”

“Most eloquent,” Salda sad bluntly to her husband who blushed a little.

“- [gasps, chuckles]

- [chuckles]

Uh-huh. Uh, hypothetically, if we sold it, how much do you think that… Okay.

Sister, we have a home.”

“It's been awhile,” Vex whispered Percy winced a little. He knew the feeling of course.

“Wait till I tell my father. Oh, the Ashari will never believe this. I bet… I'm ruining a moment right now, aren't I?”

“Yes,” Keyleth sighed, answering her own question.

“Yep, I'm just gonna go over here now.

As protectors, you must understand that the threat is far from over. We suspect Krieg may have been part of a larger plot.”

Darcy interjected, “he was but that second season stuff,” the room tensed. 

“As such, I have arranged an important banquet to discuss the security of our realm. It'll be quite delightful, really. We have a wonderful cook. We trust you will all attend. In fact, several dignitaries should be on their way as we speak.

- [horse neighs]

- Huh?”

Percy paled and immediately started shaking. 

“Are you alright darling,” Vex put her hand on Percy's shoulder.

“F-fine,” now everyone was really nervous since he never stutters.

“Percy…” Vax leaned forward.

“I said I’m fine,” Percy snapped. Cassandra flinched a little and the room sat tense, “I’m sure we’ll see what happens at some point,” Percy concluded softer though he still sat taught and tense in his chair. 

“L-Lady Briarwood, there's something blocking the road.

Can you go around it, Desmond?

[man] Allow me, my love.

[leaves rustling]

[chuckles]

[bandit] Well, ain't this a lucky night.”

Cassandra winced since this was most certainly not their lucky night.

“Looks like royalty to me.

What do you say, gang?

[whimpers]

Oh, he's a fancy one.

We want everything you and the missus got unless you want to be gutted like a fish.

What, are you deaf or something? Empty your pockets.

Aah!

[gasping]

The f*ck?!”

“I agree with that statement,” Scanlan exclaimed loudly.

“[grunting]

- [whimpers]

- [gasps]

[screams, grunts]”

“She's just sitting there drinking her tea?” Scanlan exclaimed once again

“She doesn’t want to get her dress dirty,” Cassandra whispered

“[door opens]

I hope it wasn't too much trouble, Sylas.”

“Those are the Briarwoods," Urial informed the group, “the party remembered Percy's previous tense reaction the last time they were mentioned.

“Delilah, my dear, it was nothing.

- [whip cracks]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪”

“Percy,” this time it was Keyleth

“Lets just keep watching,” he looked down.

Chapter Text

“[children laughing]

[Julius] It was so funny, Father. [laughs]

[man] And Percy, too.”

“Percy is that you,” Keyleth points to a brown haired boy who resembles Percy the most.

“Yes,” Percy's face looks far away as he self continuously pushes back his now pure white hair. He recognized this as one of his more common recurring nightmares, “you might want to cover the children's eyes.”

“[laughs] (its a dinner party everyone appears to be having a good time. There are a bunch of kids who closely resemble Percy and Cassandra)

[laughing]

- [woman laughs] (the dream is shifting into a nightmare and a slaughter of the family)”

Percy and Cassandra instinctively grab each other's hands. Percy closes his eyes. Many people gasp.

“Percy this is..” Keyleth has one hand covering her mouth

“- [panting] (him and Cass are escaping through the woods)

- [dogs barking]

- [Percy] Hurry, Cass!

- [woman] That man...

- [whimpers]

[man] Reality knocking

at your door.

[panting]

- [grunts]

- [Johanna screams]

[man cackles] (after flashing through many deaths it cuts back to Percy running)

[horse neighs] (the two are being chased)

[panting]

[grunts] (Casandra is shot by three arrows before falling Percy reaches for her.)

[gasps]

[breathing shakily] (Percy wakes up)”

“The Briarwood will not be allowed to get away with this Lord De Rolo you have my word,” Uriel swears

“They already have gotten away with it,” Cass says bitterly, removing her hand which was still clasped within Percys.

“[sighs]

Bad dream? (Vex ambushes Percy concerned as he leaves his room)

Is there any other kind?”

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ (theme song)

“ - [birds chirping]

- [rooster crows]

[sighs]

Good morning, everybody. (Keyleth is chipper despite it being early mourning)”

“Well that's a mood change,” Scanlan muttered under his breath, however Vex leans over and swats at him, “what its true!”

“[all grumbling] (nobody else seems very awake)

- [Vex] Why?

- Why is she yelling?

- Oh, good morning, Vax.

- [muffled] Morning.

[gasps, wails] (he elbows him between the legs)

Seven to two. [strained] I never agreed

to this stupid game.

[sighs] Must you?

We can't all be aloof tight-a**es, de Rolo.”

For once Vox Machina kept their mouths shut this is definitely the wrong time to comment on Percy’s need to loosen up. Luckily that's what little sisters are for.

“Honestly you're free and you're not even enjoying it,” Cassandra complained about her brother who grumbled a little. 

“I'm simply suggesting you could all benefit from some well-practiced restraint.

- [moans]

- Emotions aren't meant to be bottled up. Maybe you should cut loose once in a while.

[pounding on door] (Its Allura she enters)

Hello? Uh, Vox Machina? Uh, are you here?

- [Keyleth] It's stuck.

- [door thumping]”

Allura sighed at her friend's antics. 

“[Scanlan] Ugh, f*cking doors.

[Vex] These old hinges are rusted.

[Pike] Grog, give it a little shove?

[Grog] Yep, one sec. (the door slams open) [chuckles]

 Lady Allura, welcome. Hope you didn't feel the need to bring a housewarming present.

I didn't. Alas, I'm only here to remind you that Sovereign Uriel expects you at his dinner.”

Realization that the Briarwoods will be at this dinner seeps in. Percy pales further

“- Oh, shit. That's tonight?

- Finally. A proper evening of protocol and civilized conversation. (Percy looks excited)

[Allura] It's more than a party. Dignitaries from across the realm are here to form a new security pact. We must put our best foot forward.

- Right. W-Which foot is that?

- [plate shatters]

[Scanlan] Hey, Pike, want to be my date? I promise to be on my best-worst behavior.

[Pike] Oh, I-I'm okay.

Lady Allura, we appreciate the gravity of the situation and will present ourselves with the utmost dignity.

(Vax goes from respectful to suddenly elbowing Grog in the groin)”

“You were saying brother,” Vex sighed

“Nice one Vax!” Grog smiled

“[grunts, coughs]

Yeah. [strained] Good one. Seven to five. (Grog crumples)

Five? He was just at two.

Oh, yeah, that was a three-pointer. You see, the rules of ball-tag are as complex as they are beautiful.

I-I shall brief them on royal etiquette and manners. You have my word, nothing will go wrong.

[cries] My balls. Hurts so much.

(seen change to the party

Remember what we practiced. Be reserved, be charming. Protocol.

[grunts] [sighs] Just follow my lead.

Sorry. If you brought weapon, they must be checked.”

All of Vox machina clutched their chosen weapons a little tighter.

“[grumbles]

(they reluctantly hand in there weapons)

- [laughter]

- [indistinct chatter]

(the party has already begun)

[sergeant-at-arms]

From Kraghammer, Gradim Greyspine.

From Emon, Vox Machina?

[Scanlan] [sighs] Is that all you got? Allow me. [clears throat]”

“And there goes protocol,” Percy sighed 

“Vox Machina, champions of justice, hunters of dragons, destroyers of chastity.

- [people gasping]”

“I regret inviting you all,” Uriel looked done. 

“Right, let's stick together. Follow my lead for formal greetings, and...

(the group splits up and dissolves in to the party)

Or, you know, do whatever.

[scoffs] How's anyone supposed to get drunk from these things?

Uh, I'm pretty sure they're just fancy shots, Grog.”

“Actually that very expensive champagne,” Salda sighs

“Two for you, and three for me.

- Ooh. Cheers.

- Cheers.

[gulping]

- [glass shatters]

- [both exhale]

(they chug each glass before moving on to the next at an alarming speed)

What are you looking at? Doofus.

[Scanlan] What-what? You want to get freaky with me?

Sir, I don't even know you.

You are a libertine and a cad, and I like it.

Reginald, what in the world?

I just asked where the privy was.

[laughter]”

Percy groaned, putting his face in his hands.

“This is fantastic. Diplomats are here

from all over Tal'Dorei. Fort Daxio, Kymal, Westruun. Even...

- [sergeant-at-arms] From Whitestone, Lord Sylas and Lady Delilah Briarwood.

(the two enter and a terrified looking Percy is thrusted into a flashback)”

“Oh, no,” Pike closed her eyes a little

“- [woman screams]

- [hyperventilating]

- [metal scraping]

- [grunting]

(we can hear this happening as Percy continue to stare terrified at the Briarwoods)

- [man cackles]

- [woman screams]

Percy, what's wrong?

It's... it's them.”

The group shifts subtly closer to Percy as he explains what they have only caught glimpses of onscreen.

“Whitestone was my home. Until those fiends took everything from me.

What do you want us to do?”

“What? Don’t you want more of an explanation than that before you help me?” Percy looked at Vox Machina genuinely confused.

“That can wait darling,” Vex looked at him concerned

“Should we say something? To Uriel?”

“Yes please tell me,” Uriel gives the group a significant glance.

“We can't.

[grunting]

Looks like they're staying overnight.

Why don't I make myself scarce and slip into their chambers? See if I can figure out what they're up to.”

“No honestly brother did you not see the brigands before get ripped apart,”

“I did but he didn’t,” Vax gestured to the screen 

“Yeah, sounds like a plan. But in case of trouble, we should have a safe word.

- Grog, suggestions?

- Right. The safe word is "chenga." (hes says with confidence)

Okay. My safe word's "mommy."”

“Scanlan!” Vex complains.

“[laughter from the people around him]

And somehow you guys look worse every time we see you.

Where's Vax? 

Oh, uh, he has the squirts.

I see. Delightful. Well, if you'll follow me.

Seats for the sovereign's dragon slayers.(they're all sitting down for dinner)

[laughs]”

Vex looked down. It seems even when she does something right she’ll be looked down upon. Vax grabs her hand as if reading her thoughts.

“[growls softly]

Ooh, shit's about to get real.

[silverware clinking]

- [knocking on wood]

- [sergeant-at-arms] Attention please be given to our Sovereign Uriel Tal'Dorei III and Empress Salda Tal'Dorei.

-(everyone stands) [clears throat]”

“Didn’t you give the etiquette classes,” Cassandra sighed

“I doubt they were listening,” Percy sighed

“- Hmm?

[gasps softly]

- Uh... Huh? (Vox Machina stands)

- Oh.

Nothing like a dragon attack to bring us all together, eh?

- [soft laughter]

- Thank you, everyone, for making the journey in. Please, allow men to introduce our dining party. We have Arbiter Duala Juun, Master of Law.

- [applause]

- To her left, Seeker Assum...

[Keyleth whispers] Percy? Percy.”

Keyleth leaned closer to her best friend Percy. Who blinked surprised, not overly comfortable with physical contact but allowing it anyway.

“P-Percy.

[Scanlan whispers] He's just staring like a perv.

He said the Briarwoods took everything. What does that mean?”

“I suppose I could have given a better explanation,” Percy looked down

“Its alright darling,” Vex gave him a sympathetic look

“We cannot be caught unprepared again.

- [all] Hear, hear.

- [man] Agreed, Sovereign.

Percy, talk to us.(Pike throws her spoon at him) Percy.

[scattered gasps]

[chuckles]

- I'm fine.(Percy finally speaking)”

The room gave Percy a big ‘no your not’ look.

“- Oh, yeah, sure.

Percy, I say you just walk over to the Briarwoods, say hello to break the ice, then punch them in the face. See what happens.”

“That would be satisfying,” Percy smiled a little thankfully at his (friend) companion.

“- Grog, no.

Eh, I don't hate Grog's idea.

Uh, we have to wait. Give Vax a chance to gather some intel.

(cuts to Vax)

Hmm? (he slips behind the guard)

Hmm. (this time he distract s the guard using his belt which transforms into a snake)

- What the bloody hell?

- f*cking snake!

Come on. (cuts back to dinner)

[Uriel to the Briarwoods] I must confess, I was rather curious whether you would come. Our messenger did not return. In fact, I've heard dark rumors about Whitestone.”

“Oh no,” Cassandra paled

“That's good we're confronting them,” Uriel glanced at her confused as did everyone else.

“They can control people though,” Cassandra shakes her head

“They say no one travels in or out of your lands.

Lies spread by drunks and knaves. If no one left Whitestone, would we be sitting before you, Sovereign?

[Uriel] Perhaps. Or perhaps I might be forced to send a garrison of troops to check on your city.

[Sylas] You won't need to do that.

(Uriel's eyes briefly turn gold) You are right. There's no need. In fact, Whitestone needs to be protected. Yes. Whitestone's independence is not to be challenged.”

“Oh,” Uriel voices quietly as Salda grips her husband's hand tightly.

“- Ooh. Nice catch.

- [laughter]

Have we… met before?”

Percy starts to shake so slightly that only Keyleth who is leaning on him and Cassandra who has been watching closely noticed.

“[gulps]

Uh...

We haven't met. I'm Vex'ahlia. I'm so sorry, what was your name again?”

“Thank you,” Percy sighed in relief. Vex just nodded

“Delilah. What an absolute pleasure to meet the Protectors of the Realm. My husband Sylas.

- Charmed.

[Scanlan] Uh, those are beautiful beads. I have a set just like it, you know.

-(Keyleth confused) Beads? I've never once seen you...

- Eh?

Ew.”

“What do you mean?” Gren asked Scanlan who blinked and looked at his parents who were glaring murderously at him.

“I will leave that to your parents,”

“♪ ♪ 

[hissing]

- [laughter]

- [indistinct chatter]

(Delilah begins) interestingly enough, we're not originally from Whitestone.

Of course you're not.

Tell me, have you heard how we became caretakers of Whitestone? The official story is that city was administered by the de Rolo family until they succumbed to a rare disease. But I'm afraid the truth is, we concocted that tale to protect their legacy.”

“She's not going into this,” Vax hissed protectively

“The sad reality is that the de Rolos abdicated. They grew bored of ruling, and after their children raided the treasury, they abandoned their people to rot.”

Percy griped his hand so tight that it turned white. His nails carving crescent moons on the inside of his hand.

“- Liars! (Percy stands up)

- [gasping]

[murmuring]

Ugh. Thank you, Sovereign Uriel, but I think we will retire for the night. It was a lovely dinner. We especially enjoyed the company. So refined. Excuse us for a moment.

[chairs scraping on floor]”

“Vax,” Vex realized and everyone straightened up.

“Percival, darling, what did we say about emotions?

You don't understand.

Then help us understand.

[sighs] The Briarwoods… they murder my entire family.”

Vox Machina shifted closer to Percy. 

“We got what we came for. Uriel was more pliant than even I anticipated.

The Whispered One?”

“Who,” Scanlan leaned forward

“But finding the boy was unexpected. Our circumstances have changed.

(Vax is trying to hide)

[whooshing]

- [explosive pop they appear behind him]

- [Vax gasps]

Oh, uh, beg your pardon. Just turning down your bed. Forgot those little… pillow mints. Um… (the couple walk towards him threatening) Oh, gosh you're a handsome couple. Lost my train of thought. Be right back.”

“Smooth,” Scanlan snorted

“This isn’t funny Scanlan,” Vex glared at him who raised his hands in surrender

“[gasps back at the party]

Percy, why didn't you tell us?

I've tried to tell many over the years. No one's ever believed me.”

“So you did try,” Cassandra mulled over the news

“Of course,” 

“I thought you just ran and never looked back. You certainly didn’t when you abandoned me.

“If I knew you were alive,” Percy began before looking down

“I know,” Cassandra assured her brother, “it doesn’t change the fact that you left,” Percy looked down ashamed. 

“[gasps] Wait. Vax is up there. What if he needs help?”

“You've just realized,” Vax shuck his head

“Plus, he's got the squirts! Okay, I'll distract, you go... quietly.”

“Please don’t cause to big a seen,” Salda sighed

“- [clears throat]

- [murmuring, gasping]

Ladies and lords, allow Scanlan Shorthalt to delight you with an after-dinner song I like to call "Pull My Beads of Love."”

“Or cause a scene!” Salda threw her hands up in the air as Kaylie covered her mouth trying not to throw up.

“A-two, three, four! Give me a tug!

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Now, I don't really know what you're thinkin' ♪

- Ugh.

- ♪ When you're lookin' at a gnome like me ♪

♪ Ow! But I can show you somethin' special, whoa! ♪

[back with Vax] trembling breaths]

You are a curious one. And you look delicious.

[groans] (Sylas bites Vax)”

“Brother!” Vex grabs Vax who looks at the screen pale.

“[groaning weakly]

[Sylas] Come now. Let's get this over with.

[Vax grunts breaking free]

[groaning he jumps out the window]

[weakly] Chenga...

(at the party)

Vax.

We have to move.

(at the weapons booth) We lost the ticket?

Screw it. Grog!

[Grog] Come here, f*ck!

- [guard grunts as he throw them]

- [crashing]

[all panting as they run]

(With Vax the Briarwoods teleport down to him)

There's no way out tonight, my friend.

- [bird screeches]

- Hmm?

[screeching]

- Whoa!

- Sylas! Delilah! (Percy yells at him)

“So I suppose we're not stealthing,” Vax hesitantly teased his friend while he stared at the screen stone faced like he never heard him.

“- [gun clicks]

- [he fires]

Would you look at that, dear? It's the pup who survived, all grown up.”

Percy flinched his mind going back to when she called him a pup while Anna made him scream. The sound of his own scream drowned everything out. 

“Percy,” Cassandra's voice cut through the fog of the memory. “Percy, it's ok she's not here. She can't hurt you,” which she doesn't matter. Cassandra stayed there clutching my hand as I blinked back to reality. Vox Machina cast concerned glances but clearly had been warded away by Cass.

“Cass?”

“I'm right here. I’m safe,” the two stayed together as she nodded to continue the show. 

“Step off, b*tch.

(they begin to fight)

No one kills Vax but me!

[Pike] I've got you, Vax. Come on, come on, come on, please.

[grunts as she heals Vax]

Thanks, Pickle.”

“Thank you,” Vec whispers as well when Vax repeats his on screen words. Pike nods, feeling immense relief.

“Had him right where I wanted him.

[Delilah] I think not.

[Keyleth] Ah, cr*p!

- [laughs]

- [yells] (the fight continues)

These are Emon's "Protectors of the Realm"?”

Vox Machina tenses doubting they are good enough to have this title.

“[Percy shoots him and Sylas grunts before smiling as he heals]

Oh, sh*t. That ain't good.

[laughs]

My blade thirsts.

You got a sword. Oh, that's cute.

[Grog charges with his ax blade rings]

You were saying?

So, we're not doing terrible, right?

No, this is terrible.

(back to Scanlan)

♪ Pull on

my f*ck' beads ♪

♪ Of love, of love ♪

♪ Pull on my f*ck' beads ♪

♪ Of love, of love ♪

♪ Ow! ♪”

“Dang they love me,” Scanlan smirked

“[yelling and grunting the fight continues]

[blade rings]

[Grog groaning]

[Pike] Oh, no.Hold on, Grog! Ah. Oh, you the best, Pike.

[grunting]

Ooh, I bet that hurt.

This little one is entirely too much trouble.

- [yells as dark purple energy shoots out from the ground]”

Pike pales seeing her holy symbol crack.

“- [whooshing]

[screams]

Ball tag time!

[groaning and panting]”

“I can’t believe that did something,” Allura shook her head

“Your gods can't help you now.

- [Pike gasps]

- Oh, no, no, no! Pike!

[yells]

[man] What's going on? Go get the captain!”

“About time,” Vex shook her head

“- [man ] There they are. In the courtyard!

- [man ] Over there! Desmond!”

“Nope that's the Briarwoods men,” Scanlan groaned

“[horse neighing]

Lady Briarwood, I did as you ordered. Your belongings are here...

[yelps, grunts he shoves him off] I'll drive, thank you.

Stop them!

Come visit us sometime, Percival. You're always welcome back home.”

“Oh, she is so dead,” Vex glared and Cassandra clutched her brother's hand.

“[clicking his gun is empty]

[Percy] No! I had them. Had them! And you let them slip away. (there's a shadow sweeping around him)”

“Whoa, don’t blame us,” Scanlan raised his hands up despite not actually being there.

“Percival, whats that,” Vax asked him. Percy closed his eyes remembering a dream from long ago.

“[all gasp softly]

[Keyleth] I-I didn't...

Everlight. [gasps]

No. No, please.

[Desmond groans softly as Percy stalks towards him]

[Percy] You.

[grunts]

[Desmond gasping]

Start talking. Why were the Briarwoods here? What were they after?

Uh, they were invited like you. By Sovereign Uriel.

Sylas and Delilah have never left the confines of Whitestone before. Why here? Why now?”

“Percy you need to calm down,” Vex glanced at Percy

“[eerie hissing the shadow engulfs him]

Answer me... now.

What the actual f*ck?”

“I agree with that statement!” Scanlan gasped

“Holy sh*t, Percy. What are you doing?

[Desmond] Please.

I'm-I'm only a servant. They-they don't tell me anything. Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me!

[groaning Percy shoot of his hand]

Percy, stop.

[whimpering]

[gasping]

You fool. Now your soul is forfeit. (his voice is more demonic)”

“ Gasp , Percy,” Keyleth whispered shaking

“[gasping]

[Uriel] Halt right there! What is the meaning of this? Guards, arrest Vox Machina.”

“This isn’t ideal,” Percy said slowly, finally speaking up.

“You think,” Cass gives him a look

“[guard] Quickly! Go, go! Nobody move! Hands where we can see 'em.

[Scanlan whoops and laughs]They loved me in there. Oh, I was on fire.”

“I should have run the other direction,” Scanlan sighed disappointed

“Huh? f*ck.”

“Whose ready for the next episode!” Darcy cheered. The room all sent glances Percy’s way.

“Percy…” Keyleth started

“Let's just watch I ‘m sure all will be relieved,” no one liked the answer but they all accepted for now.

Chapter Text

I'm so sorry writing this story is so hard and I've been getting an influx of complaints about all the things I'm doing wrong writing this story. People have been so rude and honestly its sucked all the enjoy out of writing this story. Trying to write this story has become such a chore knowing whatever I write people are going to complain. so I'm putting this story on hiatus. I'm hoping sometime in the future I will want to finish this. This is a story I really wanted to write and I hope I will get the chance to finish in the future. Also if you see any other Characters watch the Legends of Vox Machina I would love to read them. Maybe it will wake up my inner muse and want to keep writing.