Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One event separated the two parts of my life. The before, and the after. A sickening moment that changed me forever.

Well that was some cryptic bullcrap. But it was true.

It was supposed to be a normal day. A happy day, even. All that effort between Mari and Sunny, all those hours they spent in the piano room, rehearsing over and over... it was finally paying off. That day I was supposed to show up at some theater stage with Hero and Basil, and sit together, and listen to the most beautiful, most perfect music anyone had ever heard. Because Mari and Sunny were the most beautiful, most perfect people I knew, the most beautiful, most perfect people I will ever meet.

That didn't happen.

At least, Mari said it would be beautiful, and perfect. And I believed her, because she was Mari. I had heard the song a million times; when I was in the room, in the house, or in my head after I got home.

But some things aren't as beautiful or perfect or they seem.

Oh, the recital? I guess we'll never know.

____________________________________________________________________________

I remember hearing the news with a bad taste in my mouth. I was waiting with Hero and Kel in their house before the recital. I had on the best dress I had, which wasn't saying much, a little bit of my mom's lipstick, and the teal bow Mari had given to me only a few months prior. Hero and Kel were in some handsome suits, admittedly a lot better than my stained skirt.

I sat awkwardly in the front room, flowers clutched in hand. I was planning to give them to Sunny after the recital, a thought that brought a flush to my face. At the time.

The doorbell rang, and Kel somehow managed to run in his suit to go and get it. Of course, we were expecting Basil, who no doubt would have flowers in hand too. Another flush.

Kel swung the door open "Hey- . . . what's wrong."

Hero came after his brother, trying to fix his hair with one hand as he held a spatula in the other. He stopped behind his brother.

They lingered there for a beat.

The beat before everything changed.

What came next was in fragments; a spatula on the floor; a door left open; a silent Hero and Kel; a stomach twist; a white egret orchid forgotten; the bathroom floor; the toilet; more stains on a stained dress, fluids everywhere, ponytail torn; hot tears on my face; vomit everywhere; Kel.

Kel came with me. He didn't vomit, only watched me as my organs, heart, and soul came out through my mouth. He sat on the floor with me, even in his suit, as a girl got sick all over his bathroom. When I was finally hollow, nothing left in me, no more tears, no more snot, no more vomit, I fell away. I was dying. I must have been.

He took a wet tissue and cleaned my face, as I cracked an eye open to look at him. And I'll never forget what I saw.

Nothing

Something filled my empty lifeless body, and it possessed my body, giving me a jolt of energy.

I slapped him across the face.

His face didn't change like I wanted it to. It didn't change at all.

Maybe that slap would turn him back to Kel. Because Kel was't nothing. He was everything. And he should never be nothing. And nothing should happen that should make him nothing.

I suppose I thought that a slap would help something. Instead I found myself alone in the bathroom.

That feeling, that something, never left me since that day. Only lays dormant, then explodes, and leaves me- alone.

I lay in that bathroom until I convinced myself to get up. I looked for Kel and Hero.

When I found them, they were on the patio. Sitting in chairs. Facing the tree-line. Hero sipped a cup of coffee.

So normal. Coffee? Really? How could he stomach anything?

Kel leapt up when he saw me. He shook me, hugged me, and shook me again. "Are you okay, Aubrey?" I pushed him away. I took my teal ribbon, and threw it at the ground. Stomped on it. That something was back. It wasn't me, it was just- behind me- controlled what I did. And right now it wanted to stomp that ribbon into the dirt.

It pointed to the door.

Hero turned, coffee in hand. He got up. He went inside where I pointed. The little something got a little bigger.

Kel followed. And I came after.

We came out through the front door, which has been left ajar. But before I closed it after me, I noticed something on the floor. Something I had dropped.

I picked it up, and promptly left. Nothing more than that.

The three of us walked silently, two tall boys in unruffled suits and some sick drunk looking girl, makeup smeared, vomit stains on her dress. The only sound we heard was the sidewalk clicking underneath my oversized heels.

Soon we were on the front steps of Sunny's (Mari's) house. I knocked. Once. Twice. I kicked the door.

Sunny's mom opened the door. She put on a damp expression, her mouth turned up at the corners, her cheeks stained. It sure wasn't a smile. The bright tone of her voice didn't hide the crack. I didn't hear what she said.

She led us to the patio sliding door. It was glass, but someone had taped up magazine pages, construction paper, sheet music, duct tape, scribbled marker, blocking the view of the treehouse. Anything to stop us from seeing her.

I opened the sliding door and pushed it to the side.

The sight brought me to my knees, right on the concrete. The nausea came back, and I got sick right on the stairs. Right in front of Mari. Beautiful, perfect Mari.

Beautiful, perfect bruises, a beautiful perfect hair strung over her face, one beautiful perfect eye, staring at me, judging me. Poor Mari.

Hero went through the door next. He didn't fall like I did. He exploded and died.

The coffee mug began to shake in his hand and, finally, a sign of motion other than stiff walking, sitting, and sipping coffee. Somehow I had the feeling that I shouldn't be relieved.

"We have to get her down."

"WE HAVE TO GET HER DOWN."

"SOMEONE HELP HER."

"Please."

Hero was yelling. Hero was... afraid, unsure. Poor Hero.

Suddenly I wasn't on the steps anymore.

____________________________________________________________________________

"Sunny." I cried through the door. "Sunny. I need you. . ."

No response. No movement. Nothing.

"Please, just, say something."

I sobbed harder and rested my forehead on the door.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never knew. I'm sorry I never saw . . . that she- Just open the door. Please."

Nothing answered back.

Fine. Fine. I didn't need Kel, I didn't Hero, and I didn't need Sunny.

I stood up, kicked my heeled foot through the door, and threw the only thing I brought with me.

A white egret orchid.

As hard as I could.

____________________________________________________________________________

The lights blinded me, reflecting off the clean white sheets, and the clean white walls, and the clean white floors. The sound of a heart monitor got faster. The stuffy air of a hospital room, the smell of the truth, filled my throat until I was drowning in it. My ears vibrated with a sharp ringing that sent a sharp pang through my head, pounding and pounding on the inside of my skull. It was back. And so was the nausea~

But instead of beautiful, perfect Mari, there was her brother. Standing in front of me, a bandage over his eye, speaking for the first time in four years. Such ugly, imperfect, words.

Something filled me to the brim, swaddling my brain with such . . . familiar feeling. What I felt when I slapped kel. What I felt when I- when I-

"What." Kel said. Simply said. He didn't shout or cry or do anything really. That wasn't Kel.

But then came the waterworks, after an eternity of silence, always silence.

Kel ran to Sunny, and embraced him, letting out a sob. Sunny didn't say anything, but he hesitated for a moment, a flash of something in his eyes, before he buried his head in his friend's chest and wrapped his arms around him. Kel sobbed some more, then pulled away from Sunny, holding his face in his hands.

"Tell me you didn't do it."

Kel buried his face in his friend's shoulder.

"Tell me you're lying, or joking, or you don't mean it. You're just upset, and you're sad, and it's okay Sunny because I'm here for you, but just tell me you didn't do it."

We all looked at Sunny to speak. He never did really, even when she was alive, he was always quiet, a good listener. And he spoke even less after- what happened. Even when I needed him too.

"No."

Such a small voice from such a broken person. So little, yet so much.

The feeling only got stronger, throbbing in my head like it so often did, freezing me in place, only allowing for the smallest of movements.

Basil's heart monitor beeped again, this time faster.

Basil.

It was his fault too.

And Hero. Where was he?

Hero stood frozen to the spot. The part of him that hadn't exploded and died four years ago was so close to coming to the same fate. The only part of him left that cared was about to dissipate, probably never to return. The dynamite was lit. It was only a matter of when.

And he was at the end of his fuse.

I stood frozen, I only watched as Hero began to shake. Then, in a flash, he was in between Sunny and Kel, pushing their embrace apart.

He slammed Sunny against the wall, pushing Kel behind him. The crack of a skull could be heard over the HVAC, and that damn ringing in my ears.

And then I was at the wall too, shoving sunny into the wall, watching the pain in his eyes with every bang, with every beat of the heart monitor, in sync with the throbbing in my head.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE." Hero said between each slam, enunciating each word like it needed to be drilled into his head.

"You killed her." I screamed, and it felt so damn right.

"YOU"

"KILLED"

"HER"

"WE LOVED HER"

"YOU SICK BITCH."

The heart monitor only got faster and faster; I dragged Sunny by the collar of his shirt onto the floor and I reached my hand back, clenching my fingers into a fist.

Kel grabbed my arm and pulled me back away from him. I screamed in frustration as he tried to embrace me, tried to keep me away from the ugly, imperfect thing that killed Mari.

"Aubrey- stop, leave him alone-"

"No," I said, again and again and again. What was wrong with him, why couldn't he see that sunny needed to be punished, for taking away me, and hero, and poor, beautiful, perfect Mari.

I struggled in Kel's embrace, prying his hands off me, to no avail. Finally I kicked him in the shin and he fell away.

I took one step towards him. "You only protect that creep because he's the only one who listens to you!"

I took another step. "She died over some stupid recital. Over some stupid violin."

Kel edged back, tears in his eyes. "Aubrey, you can't really mean it- he was our friend- he loved her too-"

"Save it."

I backed him against the wall. "Are you deaf? He killed Mari. he killed her. He broke Hero, he broke me, you, he broke us. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven. He deserves to die."

"Aubrey, it was an accident."

I put both of my hands on his shoulders, pushing him up against the wall. "No, its not, it can't be."

"What makes you think this was on purpose?" Kel shouted back. "What makes you think Sunny could do something like this?"

"Because Mari wouldn't die over an accident."

"Wha-"

"She's beautiful. She's perfect. She can't make mistakes, she can't just have accidents. And all this time, we all thought it was our fault. That we never noticed she hated herself. That we never noticed how she really felt under all those smiles. Those sick bitches made us think it was our fault. But the whole time they could hide away in their little dream worlds and forget about what they did."

I pounded my fist against the wall.

"And Kel, you never tried to be there for me. You got up, you fixed your life. You found new friends, you played basketball. You forgot about her."

The fight was gone from my voice.

"I never forgot."

"Sure."

I turned around and strode over to Sunny, pulled my fist back and-

Froze.

Sunny was curled into a ball, arms over his head, but when I didn't swing, he peeked through his hands, and I saw his eyes.

They were too innocent for a murderer. I was disgusted.

But I couldn't hit him.

He wasn't trying to fight. He was taking his beating.

That he deserves, right?

I heard a sob coming from the bed. A small, "Stop."

I whipped around to see Basil crying. His face, which was probably permanently tearstained at this point, was even more tearstained than usual. It glistened with tears, and I heard a shuddering sob come from his direction.

"Say that again."

"Stop hurting him. It was . . . my fault. Hurt . . . me-"

"You don't even have the right to cry." I said.

I looked around. Sunny was cowering, Basil and Kel were crying, and Hero was standing next to the door, his expression unreadable.

"Let's go, Aubrey." He said.

I did.

Chapter Text

Hero and I left the hospital together. Silently. So much silence.

When we got to the parking lot, I kicked the tire of his car. Hero didn't stop me, only waited for me to grow tired.

Hero drove me home. Night was falling, and the clouds gathered ominously, but didn't fall. Static could be felt in the air. It didn't rain. The only thing that could be felt for miles around was dread.

When he dropped me off at my house, I didn't want to go inside. I was so tired of the trash strewn everywhere, the constant blaring of some stupid gameshow, always too loud, my mom's distant expression, the leak in the ceiling of my room, everything always broken. Fuck.

I'm just so tired of it all.

I watched the sidewalk go past as I walked down the street. By now it was completely dark, and the clouds blotted out the moon and stars, the only light came from within the houses. I walked a path I have walked many times before, in many similar situations, when I was so done with my mom.

Then I was on a familiar driveway, and a familiar doorstep, and a familiar, comforting orange door. This was the only place I felt safe anymore.

I rang the doorbell a good few times in a row and rested my forehead on the door.

Vance opened the door, and leaned against the doorframe, lollipop in mouth. "Hey Aubrey."

He shifted when I didn't answer. "Hey, Aubrey, you good?"

"Is Kim here?"

____________________________________________________________________________

"Is Basil here?"

Basil's mom chewed her lip, cigarette in hand. "Sure."

She left me alone in the doorframe and went back inside the house. Reluctantly, I followed.

I hadn't been in Basil's house very many times. The both of us always preferred to stay at Sunny and Mari's house or Kel and Hero's house. Basil's house was definitely nicer than mine was, though.

Basil's mom had some suitcases laid out in the living room, and she was in the kitchen, reheating something in the microwave. She continued to smoke and pointed towards the stairs without looking at me. I didn't see his dad.

Basil poked his head out of his room. "Aubrey?"

He gave me a small smile, but I could see the tear stains on his cheeks. I followed him into his room.

"Um. Hi." I said. I felt pretty stupid. What happened between us? We used to be so close. . .

"Hi." Basil said shyly. He sat on the floor and rocked back and forth, seemingly distracted by something behind me.

"Basil?"

"Huh?" He shook his head, focusing back on me.

"Why weren't you at school today?" I inquired. This wasn't a talk between friends. This felt like an interrogation.

Silence. Always that fuckling silence.

Basil rocked back and forth on his bed. I stood in his doorway.

"Can I look at the photo album?"

"Uh. Sure. Okay."

He got up and picked up a big book and put it on the ground. I sat next to him until our knees were touching. He edged away.

I swallowed.

"I just . . . I just want to see her again."

Silence. When I gained the courage to look him in the eyes, they were scared, empty, and regretful, and something else, too.

I took a deep breath and opened the photo album.

Mari, Mari Mari, beautiful, perfect Mari.

Some photos were missing in the album. They were just- gone. All those photos of Mari, all those memories- just gone.

I could feel my voice begin to quake, and I tried to swallow it back. "Basil.... Where is she?"

"I-I-," Basil stuttered. He was afraid too. He could feel it too. He could feel the ringing, and the throbbing, and the fuzzy sounds of the HVAC, the rift breaking between us.

"Please."

"Basil."

I took his hand and turned to face him.

"You know you can tell me anything Basil."

I swallowed back the lump in my throat and tried to resist the burning in my eyes, the tears that wanted to fall.

Basil began to quiver, and I could tell he was holding back tears too.

"You can tell me what you did with her photos."

I held Basil in my arms, trying to resist the ringing in my head that wanted me to punch him in the face that wanted to hurt him.

"You can tell me anything. I won't be mad, I promise."

But that was a lie.

"So Basil, just tell me what's going on"

I brought him closer until all I could feel was his chest rising and falling, rather unevenly I stared into those cold icy eyes of his, so afraid of so many things that I wish I could protect him from.

"Just tell me what's wrong."

Nothing.

I let the tears fall.

And I left.

I wasn't wanted there.

I glanced back at him as I left.

"I thought us only children stuck together."

The ringing didn't leave my head, even when I left the pocket dimension of Basil's room. When I came out of his house I slammed the door behind me, then kicked one of his potted plants as hard as I could.

The succulent fell to the ground and the pot shattered.

"Dammit." I cried.

I'm a monster.

I take away everything from everyone.

And everyone has taken everything away from me.

What's the point?

____________________________________________________________________________

"Is Kim here?"

Vance shrugged, crunching on his lollipop. It smelled . . . grape-flavored. "In her room I guess. I can get her for you."

He turned around and hollered without my answer. I suppose he already knew what I was going to say.

"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMmmm"

"WHAT?"

"AUBREY'S HERE."

There was no response, other than the faint noise of shuffling coming from the back of the house.

Vance shrugged again and left the door open, candy wrappers trailing in his wake.

Kim appeared at the door, pushing her glasses up, hair disheveled.

I pulled her into me, and closed the door behind us.

"Woah Aubs, you okay?"

"I thought I didn't care about them anymore! I've spent the past four years just trying to move on, trying to forget about them like they forgot about me, and now that they're trying to be a part of my life they're ruining it. I told myself I didn't care but I always come back-"

"Slow down, it's going to be okay."

Kim pulled me close and held me to her chest, calming me down. I melted into her, tears falling, just as they always did.

"We're messed up. We're so messed up."

"Aubs, it's okay- I'm here now, you can tell me anything."

I wish I could.

Chapter Text

I stayed over at her house that night. Kim didn't ask me to tell her what happened, after that. I think she knew that I wouldn't be able to. All we did was watch shitty ass straight-to-DVDs under her blankets until I passed out from . . . . everything. Lakes, docs, and icy eyes chased me through my dreams until I was tangled up in her blankets.

And you. . . . you're the worst

Where were you? Where were any of you??

Get away from me!

-i didn't mean to

I woke up the next morning not knowing what was real and what wasn't. As per usual.

I checked the clock from my messed up huddle of blankets with Kim. 7:11 - that's lucky. I wish luck was real.

Aside, it was also pretty early, for me at least. Even with school right around the corner I always managed to stay unconscious until the last possible second which made me late a handful of times, but by now I've perfected the art. During the summer, I can sleep until dinner. I prefer it that way. It's better than being awake, anyhow.

I slugged my way out of Kim's bed. That's the best way to describe it. I groggily crammed my shoes back on my feet, without tying them, and left. As I closed the screen-door behind me, I knew what I had to do.

The walk to Kel's house was never far, and I knew it by heart. Mari's house was right next to it, so I probably spent more time on this route than anywhere else.

Mari.

I swallowed the burning sensation and pushed it all the way to my toes. Her name still brings back that terrible feeling that I know all too well.

Before I knew it I was on his doorstep. The welcome mat beneath me contradicted how I think Kel is going to react to my being here. Even so, I summoned the courage to spam the doorbell a few times.

"Mikhael, my son is not going to- oh, hello Aubrey dear. I haven't seen you in a while."

Kel's mom was at the door, the surprised expression on her face immediately masked with her usual welcoming smile. I guess it has been a few years. My bright pink hair doesn't help the situation.

"Uh, is Kel here?" I looked past her into the house, searching for his face, but nothing. Hector eagerly bounded up the door, attempting to push past Kel's mom.

"Oh, Hector, calm down- no, dear, Kel left to practice basketball with some friends." Her expression turned disapproving. "He's always up early working on . . . basketball."

"Ok. . . . thank you." I gave her a friendly nod and made the awkward walk back down the driveway, narrowly avoiding the basketball hoop. I averted my gaze from the right, where I would see- her house, and his house, and everything would remind me of that day, like it did every time I even caught a glimpse of the place.

I really am back where I started from- angry and resentful and hurtful.

It's almost like nothing changed at all.

The walk to the park took no time at all. I wish it had, because I haven't thought of what to say yet. I'm not coming to apologize. No- I'm . . . . right. Basil and Sunny are the ones in the wrong. They don't deserve to be happy at all.

I wish I could take back what I said to Sunny on the swings. God, it's only been a day or two but so much has changed. I told him that I cared about him. I told him to spend some time outside again. I told him to have patience and let himself feel . . . . everything. Stupid. I should have shut up and just be angry at him. The one time I think I'm safe, I get hurt. Like I always have.

I sat on the piano stool next to her as she played the duet she and Sunny were going to play. Hero, Sunny, Basil, and Kel were cooking up some cookies (for Mari). I've heard this waltz, like a million times. It's all Mari's able to talk about- the recital coming up! She's nervous, and she wants it to be perfect, as always. I could never spend so much time on something like that. I'd get bored, and give up, like always. Not Mari, though!

As she's finishing up the song, brow furrowed, her long fingers moving fluidly over the keys. I love watching her play the piano, she looks so relaxed, yet so tense, so serene, yet so angry. The perfect balance.

I see her hand slip as she finishes up the song, and we both wince at the awkward tone that comes out.

Her joints become sharp and rigid, and she bangs her fists down on the keys, creating a terrible, whaling sound out of the piano, like we just lost in a video game.

"Ugh!" Mari sighed. "I was so close."

Mari never curses. Even when Kel spilled juice on the carpet and got her in a bunch of trouble, she only sighed. I've heard her curse once, like a real curse word. Actually, a string of words, all in a row. Maybe I shouldn't joke about it. My stomach always feels prickly when I think about what happened to Sunny- what could have happened.

"Don't worry Mari!" I said happily. "I think you sound awesome, and you're like a gazillion times better than me."

She looked at me and smiled. I knew that she was still angry at herself, but I smiled back.

"COMING IN HOT! HERO'S AMAAAAAAAAAAZING COOKIESSSS!"

Kel burst through the door, a ball of energy like usual, his mouth suspiciously stained with a cookie-dough-resembling-substance. He stopped in front of Mari and bowed, as Hero came through the door behind , his oven mitts and apron (the one Mari got him for Christmas, that was bright pink) stained with flour, and sugar, and eggs, and whatever mess Kel made. He was holding a baking sheet with his signature cookies, well, Mari's signature cookies. Everything about the two of them was so intertwined it's almost getting hard to tell them apart. Basil and Sunny came in from behind, also with cookie dough stains around their mouths.

Mari rose from her seat at the piano to usher them away. "Not near the piano!" She laughed, "Thank you, Hero."

Kel scowled.

"And Kel. and Sunny and Basil. Did you help by eating all of the cookie dough for me?"

"Ummmmmm." Basil laughed mischievously

"Whaaaat are you talking about." Kel giggled, covering his mouth.

I got up and followed my friends to the kitchen table, where Kel began shoveling down as many cookies as he could. I'm surprised he got runner up at that hotdog eating contest- his stomach is an endless pit! Except it better not be because I want some cookies too!

"KEL STOP YOU'RE EATING ALL OF THE COOKIES." Sunny and Basil and I had to use all of our strength to haul him away from the remnants.

"So Hero," Mari said, putting both her arms around his neck and pulling him close, "Was it your idea to make me these delicious cookies?"

"I-I-I-I guess." Hero stammered, his face a tomato.

She pulled away. "I'm just teasing. You have no business getting that embarrassed from a dear friend."

"Uh-huh" He said quietly, the blush not quite gone from his cheeks.

"Now let's all get cookies before Kel eats them all!" She declared.

We all sat down and feasted on Hero's cookies, which were delicious- crispy but chewy on the inside- just as they always were. And I was happy.

I was really happy.

I could forget about my shitty day, and my shitty mom, and my shitty house, and my family.

Sunny and Basil and Kel and Hero felt like brothers, if I had them. Mari was like a sister. They were my real family.

I wish I was her sister.

She died the next day.

Chapter Text

I get goosebumps just from the memory. They always come in sharp, like pains in my head, and leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. Flashbacks like that had been happening since I saw Sunny outside his house a few days ago. I thought it would always be Kel off playing with basketball friends, Hero away at college and med school, Basil being . . . . Basil, me and Kim, Charlie, Vance, Angel, and Mikhael. And Sunny, locked away in his house, forever.

So seeing him out with Kel for the first time in . . . years, felt like the shock of cold water.

I come up on the playground, still with no idea what to say to Kel. Again, this was NOT an apology. I was there to ask a question.

"Why'd you hold me back?"

Kel and his basketball friends, all paused right as he was about to make a shot (that he no doubt would have missed anyways).

"Aubrey?" Kel seemed legitimately caught off guard. He exchanged a glance with his friends and rolled the ball between his fingertips, almost restless.

I didn't respond.

After what seemed like a lifetime of awkward silence, Kel passed the ball to one of his friends and came over to me. "What are you doing here?" He hissed. I didn't relent, or answer his question.

"Why'd you hold me back? Aren't you angry?"

Kel sat down on the bench out of earshot of his 'friends'. "Why are you here?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"I-I am angry, but-"

"But what?" The tone of my voice was sharpening and I could feel myself getting louder. "But you don't care about Mari?"

"That's not fair Aubrey, and you know it. You know I loved her." Kel's body went rigid and I could detect a wobble in his voice.

"But you'll forgive Sunny?"

"He's been through enough-"

"No, he hasn't, actually. All this time he could sit around in his house and forget that she ever existed. He didn't have to go outside and acknowledge what he'd done." I flattened the crack in my voice. "So why'd you hold me back? You know he deserves it. Deep down, you know you wanted me to hurt him."

Kel put his face in his hands. "No-no I don't."

"Yes, you do. You know you're angry too."

"I loved Mari, and I love him too."

"Love-d?? Past tense?"

"No- I love her. Listen, Sunny didn't have it as easy as you think."

"Ohhhh, so his life is soooooo hard."

"Yes it is!" Kel cried. He got up from the bench and started walking.

I ran to catch up with his long legs.

"Do you know how guilty he must feel? It was an accident. He spent those four years inside, with no one to talk to, and barely competent food. He was like- half-dead. And he misses her. I know he misses her. It took him four years to tell us. Its been hard for him before and now its going to be even harder, but he did the right thing."

"Killing Mari was the right thing?"

"Stop twisting my words." He avoided my eyes.

"He doesn't deserve forgiveness. He deserves to die."

"Then you do too." Kel turned to face me, eyes so determined I couldn't help but glance at the pavement.

What.

"I haven't done anything, I-"

"Oh cut the shit, won't you? You've bullied Basil, you made him feel worthless. You pushed him into the damn lake! They both could have died! Then you'd be just like Sunny."

"What, no, it's different-"

"How? How is it different? He accidentally killed her, and you almost accidentally killed Basil. I can't believe I even have to say this to you."

No. No. No No no no.

My vision was swimming, bending and flowing like a lake, the lake, I shut my eyes tight until I saw stars. I could barely hear Kel's voice over the ringing in my ears. The ground was shaking. I am nothing like Sunny- I-

"You're not in control Aubrey. It's not up to you." Kel's voice was calm, bittersweet, but his words cut deep. "I know things in your life have been hard too, and that's fine, but have you ever considered that you're not the eternal judge to decide what happens to Sunny. You're his friend, it's your job to support him." He sighed and kept on walking, in the direction of our hangout spot.

"What happened to Basil wasn't my fault. I-"

Even with my eyes shut tight I could hear the splashing of waves in the distance, getting louder.

I just want you to leave me alone.

Sunny? Why? Why did you show up now?

Where were you when Mari died? Where were any of you?

And you- you're the worst, Basil.

How dare you show your face to me after what you did.

Get away from me!

I opened my eyes to see myself and Kel in the clearing- in front of the lake. Waves lapped against the doc, a once-calming sound that only brought me pain.

"Everything I did was justified. He ruined Mari's photos, and he- hung her on that tree." My breaths were short, my lungs were crushed under the weight of her grand piano. That's what it felt like, anyway. I couldn't get enough air until my lungs and the water began to look fuzzy, and blurred.

A lump in my throat began to rise.

"Maybe Mari did something that was justified too. Maybe she didn't. It was an accident."

"No- Mari is perfect! You didn't know her like I did." I shouted, barely even hearing myself. The filter between my voice and my thoughts was completely gone, buried away with her body. My thoughts were my words, no way to hold them back.

"What." Kel turned an icy gaze on me, that for the first time this conversation, he was angry. "How can you say that?"

A shaky feeling filled my chest as my ribs rattled. The feeling turned my mouth sour and raised the hair on the back of my neck, and I felt myself taking a step back involuntarily. At this point, everything was involuntary. I'm not in control at all. I'm not even in control of my own body.

"She was like an older sister to me! She was like a- a- mother." I shouted. I've never told anyone these feelings before. "I-I didn't have anyone else!" I backed up onto the dock, the wood creaking beneath my feet. The lake grew ever-louder, unbothered by our presence.

"This is where you pushed Basil." Kel gestured. His eyes were wide, and trained on me, forcing my eyes down to the dilapidated wood beneath my feet. "Without Hero there, you would be exactly like Sunny. Full of guilt, and regret, and anger, and sadness, until you wouldn't be able to take it anymore."

"Sunny doesn't feel guilty at all. If he was, he would have told me. Us." I sank to the dock below me, my legs unable to support me anymore.

"He did." His tone softened, and his eyes grew shiny.

"Sooner." My voice was round, choking on my own tongue.

Kel stepped forward and did the absolute unexpected. He pulled me up off the dock into a hug, his arms around my neck. He smelled like his mother's coffee grounds and sweat, but we were both crying too hard to mind. Droplets rolled down my cheeks, staining my face with ugly streaks, as they always did. I could taste the snot and salt running down my face, and I put my head on his shoulder.

My body went weak, the fight in me, gone. I felt like I was going to throw up, and like my heart and lungs was going to burst, but-

"I really miss her."

"Me too."

I sobbed into his shirt and hooked my arms under his.

One question of mine hung in the air until I was forced to speak it, "Where were you?"

Silence.

"What do you mean?"

"What did you do when Mari died?"

"Oh . . . I guess I tried to keep busy. With everything going on with Hero- i didn't want to make things worse. I wanted to be with you, but it was just too much for the both of us. I kept myself distracted."

"Were you happy?"

" . . . . "

"No."

"Are you happy?"

"I don't know."

"I don't know either."

My tears dried up, and I could feel strength coming back into my limbs. My heart was steadying. I pulled away from Kel, suddenly embarrassed, somehow.

"I'm just glad things are getting better." Kel said. "I'm just glad we're all safe."

Are things getting better? Are we safe?

Chapter Text

After what seemed like an eternity of standing and staring at each other, Kel finally spoke up. “You should talk to Hero.” His voice was warm, and friendly, despite everything I’ve said to him. “He’s in his room. We can walk to my house together.”

“But . . .” His voice was suddenly icy, colder and sharper than I’ve ever heard it. “If you tell Hero he doesn't care about Mari . . . you are no longer my friend.”

We walked back down to his house together. I stared at the ground all the way there, keeping my eyes on the cracked sidewalk of Faraway Town, but all I saw were the calm waves of the lake waters. Could they really have drowned someone?

It was an accident. 

As soon as she heard the splash, she ran. And I mean, she really ran- bad ankle and all. In an instant she leaped into the water, not caring about her dress, or the deep black waters. She disappeared under the surface.

No one moved. The few seconds that it took her to resurface felt like decades. Not Hero, not Kel, not the people that should have acted to save him. They stood like statues, not breathing.

But Mari acted.

She gasped, fighting against the weight of him holding on. She crawled to the bank and pulled him up onto the sand. They sat coughing. We just stood.

And then she cried.

I remember being surprised. It was just a spider. It was just wet rock. It was just a slip. It was just a few feet under the surface. It was just Sunny. It was fine.

Nothing bad could have happened.

Basil just slipped.

But Mari never would have slipped. Even with a bad ankle, she never slips, every move of hers is fluid, beautiful, perfect. When she does slip, she corrects herself.

When she would get a mark off on a test, she would do test corrections. She would stay up late until she nodded off at her desk studying. 

All those hours practicing. When she would lock herself away in the piano room playing the same song over and over again until she could barely hold a pencil the next day.  She did it so she wouldn’t slip during the recital. It was going to be perfect, just like her.

But when she would miss a key I would see tears in her eyes.

When she wasn’t perfect she would hurt herself.

What was the point anyway? She never got to play that song for us.

And it's Sunny’s fault.

We were back at Kel’s house. Hero’s house.

Kel tried the doorknob- then spammed the doorbell when it didn’t turn.

“Kel-” Kel’s mom opened the door, her stern voice turned up to the max, as it always was whenever Kel was around. But then she noticed me. “Oh-hello Aubrey. Come on in.” Her voice was suddenly sugary sweet.

I don’t really like her. 

I was suddenly inside his house again. I suppose it's been a few years. But it hasn’t changed at all- except for a new picture of Kel, Hero, their parents, and their sister Sally. Seeing it puts an ache in my chest I can’t quite decipher. 

 All the baby toys, stroller, high chair, and mess were new, though.

The house smelled like spices, something cooking, and warmth. Good suburban household smell. 

Her stern voice was back- this time in Spanish. It was so fast and frantic I couldn’t catch any of it- and it's not like I’ve been paying attention in Spanish class anyways. All I caught was something about Hero and a lot of arm folding. Kel defended himself, this time in English. 

“I know it's all my fault- alright? You don’t need to keep telling me.”

“Kelsey!” She glances at me, looking a little panicked. Something else in Spanish.

“She doesn’t care! Come on Aubrey let’s go.”

Kel grabbed my hand and suddenly we were upstairs again (After dodging a minefield of spiky toys).

We didn’t go into his room, though.

“Jeez- what was all of that about?”

“Do I even need to tell you? Mom thought she would be able to have her perfect child back but he’s holed up in his room!”

“. . . . right.”

Kel pulled me closer. “Okay- so here's the dealio - Hero’s pretty mad.”

“No shit Sherlock.”

He ignored me. “So be careful. You don’t know what he’s like when he’s really mad. You don’t know what he was like a few years ago.”

I know it's not supposed to hurt, but it does. I should have been there for him.

He lowered his voice even more and hisses his words. “And whatever you do- don’t you ever tell him he didn’t do the right thing. He’s guilty enough, alright?” 

I approached his (and Hero’s) bedroom, but Kel didn’t follow.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“Mom’s mad enough at me. And-”

“And what.”

“Nothing.”

Even though it's dark in the corridor, I saw a gleam in his eyes. Not the mischievous kind that's the usual for him. I noticed a pile of blankets in the corner. I felt another twinge in my chest.

I cracked open the door to their room- slightly surprised at the lack of a lock on the door. Kel probably got it taken away. I wouldn’t be surprised.

The room was dark. All I could make out was the dark silhouette of Hero laying face down in his bed. 

A chill ran up my spine. All I could do for a few seconds was stand at the door. 

Maybe this is a bad idea.

I took a deep breath, up through my nose and out through my mouth. I pushed it all down to my toes and stepped into his room completely.

“Hero?” I held back the crack in my voice. I didn’t dare to turn on the light and see him.

“Go away. Please.”

Chapter Text

I closed the door.

“I said go away.” I heard the sound of bedsheets shifting as he moved.

“Hero- we really care about you-”

“Do you care about Mari? Did you?”

A pause. This isn’t a rhetorical question.

But its a simple answer. After all the nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, and all the time I spent at her grave, shouldn’t that show him? After I stole Mari’s photos from Basil? After all of this, couldn’t he see that I did? Was he really asking me knowing everything I’ve been through?

But I’ve asked the same question.

This time, someone is asking me.

Yet I can’t bring myself to answer.

I know the answer. I know it, I know it, I know it.

“Well?”

“Yes-” I sputtered. It was true, but it felt wrong.

“Yeah, right.” He muttered. “Why aren’t you angry?”

“I-I am angry. I hate them for what they did.”

“Me too.”

This isn’t supposed to happen. I’m supposed to be angry and emotional- its Hero that's the forgiving one! Every time Kel and I fought, no matter what it was over, he was never mad at us. Even after . . . Basil . . . he was never angry at anyone.
I didn’t know Hero could hate. It’s not in his heart- it can’t be.

“No-” I stammered. “No you don’t.”

“Excuse me?” His dark figure rose from his bed. “They killed her. I thought she killed herself but they killed her. She’s dead, gone. I’m four fucking years older than her! Every birthday hurts because it's another year gone- we should be the same damn age- but she's still sixteen. She’ll always be . . . . and all this time I thought it was my fault!”

The bed creaks beneath him.

“I didn’t know she was going to hang herself! There were no warnings, no signs, no shit, nothing! No note, no goodbye. She was there one moment, gone the next, but there must have been something. I should have-”

“-Seen the signs?” I finished.

“I must not have been . . .”

“ . . . good enough.” We finished together.

“But there were no signs. Maybe I was good enough. I’ll never know, because she's fucking dead and gone. No- it wasn’t my fault. Sunny pushed her down the stairs over a stupid recital. And he let me believe that it was my fault for four goddamn years.”

“No-” I said weakly. My legs are stiff again, and I grip the doorknob for support.

“AND BASIL HUNG HER ON THAT TREE? HOW DOES SOMEONE’S MIND JUST GO TO THAT PLACE. DEAD BODY? LETS TIE HER UP WITH A JUMPROPE AND- HAUL HER INTO A TREE. DID YOU EVER WONDER HOW TWO TWELVE YEAR OLDS HOISTED A DEAD BODY? THATS ACTUAL BULLSHIT. ITS BULLSHIT! THEY COULD HAVE CALLED THE POLICE, LIKE ANY NORMAL HUMAN BEING. THEY’RE PSYCHOPATHIC IS WHAT THEY ARE. THEY’RE FUCKING FREAKS PRETENDING TO BE NICE.” His shouts echoed in the room, and I saw him get up from the bed, towering almost to the ceiling. I gripped the door behind me, the wood scratching my fingernails. A shadow engulfed us, making the dark even darker and the black even blacker.

“Sunny’s not anything like Mari. They look so similar, and I keep thinking I’ll find a bit of her kindness in him somewhere- but nothing. He shuts himself in and lets his friends believe a lie. She was- perfect.”

I couldn’t agree more.

All of these things I’ve been saying; finally something agrees. I was right! I was fucking right to know that Sunny and Basil were pieces of shit washed up by the road. They should be dead in her place.

Right?

Hero seems to think so.

Sunny’s head rested against her shoulder, his eyes closed peacefully. Sunny didn’t smile much, but he sure did look peaceful. Unbeknownst to him, he was hoisted up onto Mari’s back. I thought he looked cute. Basil thought so too.
He took out his camera and snapped a quick shot of him and Mari, before looking at me with a soft smile.

Just as that happened, she tripped, quickly regaining her balance.

“Oof, sorry, just the ol’ ankle again.” She said, moving the hair out of her face and looking back at her brother. “And someone’s getting a little too big to be carried.”

“You’re really strong!” I said admiringly. It’s true- not all sisters can/would carry their sleeping brothers all the way home from the park. If I had a little brother, I sure wouldn’t be able to!

“Awww, thanks Aubrey, but you are too, don't forget! I heard from Hero you gave Kel a few bruises the other day-” She winked at me, even though I could see the strain on her face. “Anyway- I don’t think I could carry him so far if I didn’t love him so much.”

She looked back at him, her eyes warm, and I noticed for not-the-first time how similar they looked. They had the same soft features and almond eyes, the same clear, pale skin, and the same dark hair.

Something twinges in my spine, and my eyes prickle. I turn away before the jealousy comes up my throat.

“Awwww, Mari.” Basil said, a smile in his voice. “You always know exactly what to say.”

“Yeah.” She said, “Right.”

My stomach twists at the memory. I don’t want to remember if she loved him. That doesn’t matter now anyways. He should still die.

Did Hero really believe that? The thought turns my mouth sour.

“I hope they die.”

I have to turn on the light now. This isn’t Hero- this has to be someone else. This has to be something else. This has to be something behind him, controlling him, making him say these terrible things I know Hero would never say. No, no no, its impulsive, its hateful, its angry, and its a lot like-

Me.

The light illuminates a messy room. It's almost always messy on Kel’s side, but Hero’s trophies are on the floor, the wall’s bare. His sheets and comforter aren’t tightened to perfection, in fact they look very used for someone who only just got back from college. And most importantly, the light reveals a disheveled someone, still standing, his back to me.

It's not Hero. It's just his back, and his room. The Hero I know would never put his trophies away, he’d never hurt Kel, he’d never say these terrible horrible things that only make me feel like throwing up, like melting, like dying.

I run to him, and I grab his face in my hands and I stare at his face, its face, something face, looking a whole lot like Hero’s but it's different in one way.

The tear stains on his face. The dark lines running from his eyes down his face, the sticky, saltiness of his skin, the redness, his eyelashes damp with tears. That's different, that's new, that’s scary, something I’ve never seen on Hero before.

It's like breaking the law of gravity. Shit starts to float, even my stomach, which is going up my throat and choking me up. The laws of the world are flushed away and now anything can happen, anything.

But nothing explodes. All we do is stare at each other, until my mouth open’s of its own accord.

“You don’t believe that. You’re nothing like me.”

Chapter Text

“I thought you were angry . . . but you’re on their side too?”

“Hero- I am on your side, I swear. I won’t . . . ever forgive them.” I took a step closer. “But I know you don’t mean it.”

“What do you mean I don’t mean it? I said it and I’m right.”

He took a step. Confusion mixed with the anguish on his face, turning his shouts into silence.

“It’s not you! I’m the judgmental one! I’m the one who’s supposed to get angry, and you’re supposed to be forgiving. You’re supposed to convince me into forgiving them- like you always have- like you always do!”
It's only after a beat that I realized I said all of this out loud.

And silence.

And-

“How did Basil even know how to tie a . . . . how to do that?” I blurted out, surprising myself.

More silence.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you still think he deserves to die? Even knowing how he felt, even back then.” The words are pouring out of my mouth, without even a thought provoking them. All I want to do is agree with him but my vocal cords are vibrating without my permission and nothing is making sense. Sure, maybe I’ve thought about it a little, but-

“It’s a sick thing to think. It’s a sick thing to do. It only proves my point.” Hero’s face was set, determined. He knew what he was saying. He meant it. And he wasn't going to back down. Maybe there is no something after all, and this is who Hero has become.

“Oh,” is all I could say.

The door creaked as I opened it. Hero turned away from me and sat down on his bed again, putting his head in his hands. I closed the door again before I said anything stupider.

Maybe I shouldn’t leave. I’m not sure if Hero is safe.

Kel was pacing in the corridor outside their room. His serious face lightened when I came out of the room, almost automatically, and he looked at me hopefully. I didn’t say anything, but he could tell that it hadn’t gone well. He could probably hear us, too.

“I hope my mom didn’t hear any of that.” He chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “I think she might never give my cassette tapes back!”

I laughed, and he laughed, but there was nothing to laugh about. Neither of us felt like doing anything else, though.

“I guess your basketball friends will be wondering where you are.” I half-heartedly joked.

He folded his arms behind his head. “I guessssssss-” he says playfully. “But I play with them like three times a day, every day- basically all summer. They know some stuff is going on.”

“Jeez! Every day? Do you do anything other than play basketball?”

“I hangout with my friend sometimes too, you know.”

“Oh?” I said. “Am I one of these mysterious friends?”

“You can be, if you want to.” He looked at me and smiled his normal ol’ Kel smile. In 4 years, at least that hasn’t changed.

“Well where do you want to go?”

Sitting on the monkey bars of an old playground was not what I had in mind.

Kel hoisted himself up, hooking his feet over the bar and pushing himself up until he was sitting on top. He made it look easy, being tall and all, even though it creaked under his weight

“You know, every time I give you a chance you pull some shit like this.” I yelled up to him from the ground without even attempting to follow him.

“Come on, have a little fun! I thought you were all tough and macho now but you’re still afraid of getting your clothes wrinkled.” He made his pointer finger and thumb into an “L” and stuck his tongue out at me.

“Real mature, jerkhole.” I rolled my eyes. He really hasn’t changed a bit. Still annoying as ever. One of the moms at the playground looks at me suspiciously. She looks familiar. Then again, most people do. Look at me suspiciously- I mean.
Girls really can’t have it any way. We’re sweet and wear dresses and we’re made fun of by teenage boys, or we toughen up and get made fun of by old ladies. Eh- whatever.

I backed up a considered able amount, before taking a running jump to the monkey bars, then swinging myself up. Unfortunately - my hand slipped and I found myself in the dust and mulch. I could hear Kel giggling as I dusted myself off.

“Oh shut it! You’re like seven feet tall, it's easy for you.” I shouted at him as I combed the mulch out of my hair.

“You do understand that this is for children who are much shorter than you.”

“Oh my lord, just give me a second!” I yelled. The lady gave me another disapproving stare.

I backed up yet again and I hoisted myself up- this time with no slipping. I popped up beside Kel, the monkey bars groaning under our weight. “See, easy.” I said nonchalantly. He narrowed his eyes at me.

“You’re out of breath.”

“Am not!”

“YOu’Re OUt oF BrEATh.”

I sighed and calmed myself before the old habits kicked in. “Are we sure this is even safe? This playground is from MEDIEVAL times- and you know it's bad when I reference something from history class.”

Kel shrugged. “Hasn't fallen on me yet. I come here like, all the time.”

I slapped myself in the forehead. “You terrorize small children this often?”

Now he’s the defensive one. “Well I let them get on when they ask!” He says defiantly.

“Well then what do you even do up here? What next, captain?” I say sarcastically, gripping the side of the bars.

“Just sit. What, are you afraid of heights?”

“No!”

“See that was a little too passionate? Do I see your knuckles turning white?”

I pulled up my hands from where they’re gripping the bars and put them behind my head before he can see them.

“Stop.”

“Okay, okay.”

The tiredness hit me right then and all I wanted to do is close my eyes and fall asleep. Kel quieted, and we both thought for a second. I swung my legs, trying to ignore the terrible creaking of the bars under me, staring at the silhouette of me and Kel.

“Earlier today I was so angry.”

“Huh?”

“But now I’m sitting up here with you.”

“Yeah.”

. . .

“I guess it's been a confusing few days. It feels like her death all over again.”

“Totally.”

. . .

“Don’t you have anything to say?” I inquired.

“I’m kinda sick of talking about it. Sure, everything is different and I don’t even know what to feel- but it's all I’ve thought about the past 24 hours. I just want to be here with you- and I wanted to be here with Sunny too.”

“Yeah.”

. . . .

“I’m the vague one now I guess.”

“Yeah.” He laughed. It's kind of awkward with everything happening but I suppose it doesn’t hurt to hang out with one of my friends a little longer. But there is still one more thing I want to ask.

“Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Sure.” He tilted his head at me, his long hair touching his shoulders.

I looked down again and crossed my legs.

“How’s Sunny?”

“What?” His eyes widened and he looked away, almost like he hadn’t anticipated the question. I mean, the only thing he can really anticipate in life is a rebound, but still.

“You heard me.”

“Well- he’s good.”

. . .

“He’s in the hospital missing an eye from fighting his co-murderer. Of course he’s good.” Kel flinched and looked away.

“I don’t know. He seemed fine- I guess. I didn’t look much into it. I mean, he’s quiet and closed-off, but he’s always been shy.” He shook his head and looked into the distance, his eyebrows knitted together. “I mean, I’m just glad he’s out of the house. I’m just glad he wanted to spend time with me.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be glad,” I said. Again- my brain and my mouth really aren’t coordinating today. But I do mean it.

No response from Kel this time. Not the awkward, tense silence that it's been today. He just doesn’t want to hear. He doesn’t want to listen to the truth.

But he’ll realize eventually.

“He’s been stuck in his house for so long. I don’t even know what he eats. I don’t even know what he does.” Kel put his head in his hands and rubbed his eyes, looking more stressed than I think I’ve seen him. “And he’s so thin, and pale. I don’t know what to do.” His voice broke, cracking into a higher register, as it so often did. But this time, it was different. Something choked him up.

I felt a pang in my heart, but it passed.

We sat, and looked into the distance. I could kind of see the lake through the trees.

Kel straightened, and I could hear him swallow.

“How’s church?” He said, his voice deep and steady again.

“It hasn’t been a week yet, dumbass.”

“Oh.”

“Plus I’m kinda banned.” I said sheepishly.

“What? What for?” We met eyes.

“You got me kicked out.”

“Oh. Sorry.” His shoulders slumped again, but this time I could see he was laughing.

“HEY!” I shouted. It was a shitty thing to do.

He started laughing harder, shaking the whole rickety monkey bars until I was holding onto them for dear life.

“What are you laughing for?” I screamed at him, pushing him over the best I could with one arm (the other was holding on, you know, for dear life).

“I-” He was interrupted as the disapproving lady, who had been eyeing us the whole time we sat up there, marched up to us. One of her kids was clutching her hand with no doubt sticky fingers that every child seems to have. She looked kind of familiar- and boy, she was mad. But I suppose I’ve dealt with plenty of mad moms before.

“What are you delinquents doing at this playground? This area is strictly for children.” She said, crossing her arms and staring up at us from her low spot on the ground. It didn’t help that she couldn't have been taller than five feet.

“We’re not hurting anyone.” Kel said, pretty neutrally. Almost thoughtfully.

“You have been disrupting everyone here with your loud, crude language! Don’t you know that children play here? Plus, my children want to go on the monkey bars, and you are hogging it selfishly!” She pushed the kid in front of her, who looked very much like he didn’t want to be here.

“Well, your child didn’t ask.” I interjected, putting emphasis on ‘your child’. I sat back, trying to hold back my laughter.

“And playgrounds are meant for everyone.” Kel said, on a kinder note. Poor, sweet Kel.

“Well-” Her face was turning red, and again she seemed somehow familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

“Sorry!” I interrupted her. “It's hard to hear up here, could you possibly talk any louder?” This time I let a few of my laughs out.

That poor mom’s face got redder and redder as Kel and I giggled at her from above. She stepped back, pushing her child behind her like we were going to pass on some acting-out virus to him. This was no longer about the monkey bars, anyways, if it even was to start with. And here comes the outburst-

“Aubrey, dear, you are so rude!” She shouted.

A pause. The laughing subsided.

“How do you know my name?”

“I knew you were trouble the moment you started going to our church with that father and mother of yours! And ever since he left you have been uncontrollable! Starting fights in church like some, some delinquent!”

So much for caring about the playground environment

She shook her finger at me, true, suburban mom hatred in her eyes. She even went as far as to kick the monkey bars post. It screeched like it was being murdered.

But I wasn’t laughing this time.

I know where I recognize her from.

Church.

I felt my face get cold, and hot, and everything in between.

“Tell your mother she ain’t raising you right! No wonder your father went away. And now you’re wearing scandalous clothes, messing around with boys, and disrupting our neighborhood!”

She looked satisfied.

I sat on the monkey bars. I didn’t know what else to do.

“Aubrey.” Kel shook my arm. “Let’s go.”

Somehow I got down from the bars, and somehow I walked with Kel across the street, and onto the sidewalk on the other end.

“I wanna play on the slid-” The kid started to say.

“Shh.”

. . .

“I’m sorry I got you banned from your church.” Kel said.

“They didn’t want me there anyways.”

Chapter Text

I went home. Simply too much had happened today. I just wanted to watch a 70’s TV rerun after everything that had happened. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I really don’t.

I wanted to go back to Kim’s house, but I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. Even her.

I opened the door, pushing trash out of the way with my foot. My mom, as per usual, was on the couch, with some trashy show on. She was eating a microwave dinner, with a diet coke.

I sat on the couch, not next to, but with, my mom, trying to ignore the pinpricks of crumbs on my bare legs. I curled my legs into criss-cross applesauce, not bothering to take off my shoes or jacket. The TV was turned up five settings too loud.
Some funny looking guy with a hairy chest and huge collar was talking to some girl with straight red hair. He was yelling about something. Music that didn’t match played in the background.

I finally gained the courage to glance at my mom. She was curled up under a blanket, plastic meal in hand, something that wasn’t quite food lay inside. A little bit of it was on the corners of her mouth, and on the blanket. Her eyes reflected the big hairy man and the girl. Nothing else behind them. I didn't even knew if she knew I was there.

After a few minutes, I deduced the girl was dumping him. The show was cut to commercial for the latest spill-proof technology.

I took a deep breath.

“Hey mom.”

She noticed me for the first time in a while. Well, she didn’t notice me, just saw I was there and looked back at the TV. Hate that TV.

“Some woman from church talked to me today. She’s been wondering about you.”

Just a grunt, so quiet I’m not sure I heard it at all. She’s so hollowed out she can’t even make a sound. Work must have sucked even more today. If she even went.

“You can come back to church again. She told me she missed you.”

I got up and went to bed.

I laid in bed facedown, listening to the tap tap tap of the rain in that bucket. Hate that bucket. I suppose I’ll have to dump it out in the morning.

I looked up at my corkboard, expecting to see them.

Right. Sunny took them.

I miss those pictures of her. Just knowing that happy memories were a foot away from my bedside kept the nightmares away.

I wish I knew that girl in the photographs.

Mari especially, but another girl too. A girl with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. A girl who wore dresses and hair bows. A girl who is sensitive but cheerful, with a smile. A girl with an eggplant stuffed animal. A girl who loved Mari, and Sunny, and Basil.

I wish I knew that girl.

And then I was that girl. Brown hair, brown eyes Mr. Plantegg, and Sunny. On the stairs with Sunny, Mari’s house, just the two of them, sitting on the stair steps, alone. I wasn’t angry, there was another feeling in my chest, kind of the opposite actually, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. My face was red and I could feel my ears burning.

He looked different- the boy I saw in those photographs, round face and neatly cut hair, the sparkle in his eyes that have since left. I saw the sparkle meet my gaze, and it turned to a different kind of sparkle.

Were those tears?

“Sunny, what’s wrong?” I tried to ask but my face wouldn’t let me, I was stuck on those steps watching those terrible tears ran down, when all I wanted to do was wipe them away and tell him it was all going to be okay.

Then I knew what he was going to do. His hands went to my chest, and traveled up my neck, and I felt the force as he pushed me.

I tumbled down the stairs, but they never ended. I only caught a glimpse of his face. It wasn’t Sunny at all. It was dark, and black, SOMETHING other than Sunny, making him push me. And the dark rushed around me and swallowed me up in an ocean.

But he disappeared from sight, and everything turned black, black, black, and all I could hear was the big hairy man yelling at his now-ex-girlfriend, and a sharp crack.

Then wind, and the rustling of leaves.

Then water dripped.

Then I could move, and I was laying in my bed. I jumped out, fighting through the swath of darkness holding me back, and I ran to the bathroom.

The nightlight turned on in the bathroom, barely illuminating my face, my pale face with those dark eyes and dark hair.

Wait. . . .

Her arms wrapped around my waist. Her chin rested on top of my head. Her dark hair rested on my shoulders, curling and tangling over my body. I tried to get out of her grip, but her fingers and arms were so long that the more I struggled the more I got tangled up in her embrace.

I looked in the mirror. My face was wrong, and so was hers.

All I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears and my breathing being constricted. Her hair got into my mouth and choked me up.

“Relax” She said. Her pale, long face glowered at me from the mirror. Her eyes were wide, crazed, staring straight into mine. She smiled, but her eyes didn’t crinkle at the edges. It widened straight out of her face.

She rocked back and forth with me in her arms. She towered over me.

Her hand moved up my body, sliding up my next, and up my face. She pinched my cheeks with frostbitten fingers, colder than anything I’ve felt before. Her nails dug into my skin.

I wanted to scream to let go. But her arms fell around me and choked me up. My stomach quivered and my breathing shuddered in my chest. My arms were glued to my sides, my feet glued to the floor, and my eyes glued to her gaze

And we were still. She rocked back and forth, humming.

Everything was silent, other than the sharp notes of a familiar song I couldn’t remember. The notes were monotone, sharp, eerie, like a metal gate creaking open and closed, over and over and over, until the silence was so loud it sounded like
pouring water and screaming. Her touch filled me with cold, cold cold, and my ears were ringing. Her strange face was contorted into a shape unlike her.

A splitting headache filled my head, throbbing, and every grating note was another jab of pain.

I closed my eyes as tight as I could, wishing for everything to go away. I don’t want to be here anymore, if this is what it is like.

Throbbing

Throbbing

Throbbing.

The silence was so loud it became wind rustling, and birds chirping, and water dripping, and a terrible ugly groaning.

The headache opened my eyes finally. She was gone, and I was face down in my bed, choking on my pillow.

I rushed to the bathroom, where I flipped on the light.

Messy, curly pink hair filled the mirror. Icy eyes met my gaze. I guess I shouldn’t have slept with those contacts in.

Something moves in my vision, and I feel my stomach jolt.

Its nothing.

And I don’t even have a nightlight. What the fuck, brain.

I opened the medicine cabinet and took out the pain meds. I popped four and washed them down with tap water.

I kinda just want to lay around until my headache goes at least, but I can't stand to be in here any longer than I have to.

I took out my contacts and put in new ones, brushed my teeth, dumped out the bucket (which had accumulated a few inches of water overnight), changed my clothes, cried, ran a brush through my thick hair, and went downstairs.

Mom was asleep on the couch. She woke up a little when I jumped down the stairs, heading for the door.

“Aubrey.” The word comes out as a hoarse whisper.

You know my name?

“You were yelling in your sleep last night.”

. . .

“Keep it down, please.”

Oh.

The doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it.” I called, even though I knew she wasn’t getting up to get it anyway.

I turned to knob and opened the door to-

Chapter Text

Kim. A little bit of me faltered.

But the rest of me was really happy to see her.

“Kim.” I said, rather stupidly. Cut me some slack.

“Aubrey,” Kim said back, a little playfully. “We’re all going down to Gino’s, for lunch of course, but also to find the most annoying song on the jukebox. Wanna come?”

I glanced around the neighboring streets, then back behind me where my mom was back to sleeping on the couch. I guess I don’t have anything else to do today. And really, I could use some time with my friends. My real friends.

“Uh, sure.” I said, giving her my best smile.

We walked down together, talking and laughing like nothing had happened. And I guess nothing had happened. To her, I mean. Between us. Except . . .

“I’m sorry for being so upset the other day. It’s not you, just something with Kel, and Basil, and you know, Sunny.”

“Those jerks,” Kim said. I like that about her. She says what she means. She pulled out candy from her pocket dimension and offered some to me. Bubble gum.

“Aren’t we about to eat?”

“Yeah. And?”

“You’re going to ruin your appetite!”

“I’ll take it, that's a no.” Kim shrugged and popped three in her mouth.

“No- I still want some, I just like making fun of you.”

She shoved me in the stomach and passed me a piece. “Hypocrite.”

I unwrapped it and shoved it in my mouth. I chewed thoughtfully.

“Where did you get this?”

“ . . .”

“You stole it, didn’t you?”

“ . . . “

We walked in silence for a little while. Not uncomfortable silence, like how it was with Kel yesterday, but just silence. Kim is the only person I've ever really been comfortable around. Well, other than-

The day was turning into a beautiful summer night- as it always did in Faraway town. The air was humid and hot, but a slight breeze rustled the trees and blew through my hair, making everything just right. The waves lapped on the rocky shore of the lake, and cicadas chirped.

Our picnic was coming to an end I knew but I didn’t want it to end. I didn't want to go home to another fight.

I lay my head down on Mari’s lap and pretended to be asleep. I mean, I was pretty tired, but I’d rather stay awake and remember more time with my friends.

Her skirt smelled like detergent (Mari always kept her clothes clean), but somehow it was still comforting. It's better than the terrible smell of old food that permeates everything back home.

Her lap was warm, and I could feel her delicate fingers stroking through my hair. They rested for another second on my cheek. I could feel her long hair brushing against my face. I heard her laugh, so gentle but so genuine, filling up her whole body as she talked to Hero, Sunny, Basil, and Kel.

I peeked one eye open, squinting, to see her smile. I closed them again, and her murmurs followed me into sleep. The kind of sleep I could never have in my own mother’s embrace.

Last night’s nightmare jumped into my head, but I quickly pushed it back out. Today was about my girlfriend and all of our friends.

“Oh, and don't worry about it. You know you can crash at my house whenever,” Kim said nonchalantly. And I knew she meant it.

My face got a little warm just thinking about it. A wave of something crashed in my chest, turning my legs a little weak.

“Thank you.”

I smiled at her, and she smiled at me. The bubblegum tasted a little sweeter.

“We’re almost there!” Kim ran ahead, leaving me in the dust.

“HEY!” I shouted, even though she was already gone.

I laughed, then started running after her.

When I finally got to Gino’s, I was out of breath. I guess I don’t exercise much. I walked in to see Kim, Angel, and Charlene all sitting at a table together. Vance was there too, but he was over at the jukebox, no doubt messing with it.

I heaved my way over to the table and sat down in an empty chair next to Kim.

“Slowpoke.” Kim said.

“Nerd.”

Mikhael came in, and I knew the second he did. I could spot that neon yellow hair if we were on separate continents. I bet it glows in the dark. Also, he's really dramatic. He’s joining theater next year, but not for this reason- he just likes 99% of the theater girls.

He flounced in (definitely the best way to put it), and pulled a chair out from the table with a flourish. “Hello ladies and gentlemen.”

He was taking his sweet time to sit down, so I pulled his chair out from under him.

Mikhael fell down on the ground, and very unceremoniously picked himself up and brushed himself off. “Aubrey!” he complained, the act and voice gone. “I can’t let any girls see me like that!”

“Okay, fine, whatever.” I giggled. As much as I’ll make fun of Mikhael, he never fails to bring a smile to my face (whether he means to or not).

Angel hopped up from the table immediately and he and Mikhael went up to the pizza guy at the counter, who already looked done with our shit.

Wait . . .

“Who’s paying?”

“We were all going to split. Can you spare a few dollars?” Charlene said quietly.

My muscles tensed up, as they usually did whenever this kind of thing happened. Everyone was looking at me for my answer. I guess I have a few dollars tucked away somewhere, but-

“I didn’t bring any money.” I said finally.

Charlene shrugged. Angel shrugged. Kim shrugged.

“That’s too bad I guess,” Kim said, realizing. “I’ll pay, don’t even worry about it.”

The awkwardness was broken by Vance coming back from the jukebox. He looked satisfied. The opening music of the 1965 hit, “What’s New, Pussycat?” by Tom Jones began to play quietly in the background. Kim tossed him some bubblegum.

“We’re literally about to eat.” Charlene said.

“That’s what I’m saying!” I laughed.

Angel and Mikhael came back from ordering our pizza with “water” cups for each of us. Naturally, we all chose soda at the fountain. I got a mix of lemonade and Sprite (sue me) and sat down again. The four-eyes from the counter glared at us some more, but again, that was pretty normal. We eventually got our pizza (pepperoni and olives, with a single slice having pineapple because Mikhael likes to be unique), and as I went to spit out my gum at the trash can, I saw a flash of orange in the corner of my vision.

My stomach dropped.

Kel was here. At Gino’s. At the counter. Talking to four-eyes.

Fuckkkk that shitttt.

The playground was fun and all yesterday, but I have learned from the past few days that Kel and my friends do not mix. Also, I am not here to deal with Sunny, Kel, and Hero bullshit today. You know what happened last time.

I made a bee-line for the women’s restroom, apparently the only place where he couldn’t follow me, but-

“Aubrey!” he called.

Crap.

I turned around.

“Aubrey.” He said again.

“What brings you here?” I wanted to slap myself in the face.

“Well, I was going to pick up a Hero sandwich, for, you know, Hero. Mom’s pretty angry at me as it is and I’m hoping this will cheer him up a little.” Kel was trying to make his voice sound peppy, but it only came out as strained.

“Oh.”

He sighed. “Ok, listen. I went to go visit Sunny again, and-”

“You’re visiting him again after what he did?!”

He flinched, and I noticed for the first time tear stains on his cheeks. I fell silent. I glanced at Kim from behind Kel. Her pretty face was focused on the group; she hadn’t even noticed I was gone.

Kel took a deep breath and started again. “Well, Basil’s recovering a little, he just has a few scratches that need to heal up. Sunny’s mom is driving down right now to come see him, and-”

“So why are you telling me? What’s so important?”

“I thought you’d want to know, well, that,” Kel's voice began to waver. “What’s New Pussycat?” (1965), by Tom Jones, began to play again.

“That what?” I snapped.

He took a deep breath. “That Sunny is getting surgery.”

Chapter Text

“Why?”

“Jesus Aubrey! He got stabbed in the eye! With rusty gardening shears! What more justification do you need?!”

“When.”

“I guess in a few days?”

“And?”

“I thought it would be pretty important. You know, I guess it's kind of notable. Maybe just mark that on the calendar.”

“I hope he goes blind in both eyes.”

. . .

“It’s just in one eye-”

“YOU’RE SO STUPID, YOU KNOW THAT?”

I stormed away and sat back down with my REAL friends. I didn’t need Sunny. I really couldn’t care less if he was getting surgery. I couldn’t care less if his good-for-nothing mother pretended to care about him. I couldn’t care less that his dad left.

I pictured him all alone in his hospital bed, sitting next to bright lights and flowers from all of the people who didn’t know how terrible he truly was.

Good.

Kel followed me over to my table. I glared at him. He really couldn’t take a hint if it threw itself in his arms. Kim glared at him. I know that even though she and Kel had been on good terms, she would be angry at anyone who bothered me. I
appreciated that.

“I think that you should come.”

I glared at him. Mikhael, Angel, Charleen, and Vance all put their pizza down and also glared at them.

Kel looked ashamed, and glanced down at his shoes, clutching the Hero Sandwich a little tighter. “I think that you should come visit Sunny. You don’t have to forgive him or anything, just . . . talk to him.”

He left at that, turning around once more to glance at me before he was gone. I watched him leave.

“WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT? WHOOOOAAOOA-”

It was a little quiet at the table after that. It was broken by the groans of the other customers at the start of the song. Vance laughed, a little devilishly.

Kim gave me a reassuring thumbs up, and conversation resumed after that. Mikhael wouldn’t shut up about some short-haired girl sitting a few tables away, and Angel was gobbling up every word, Vance and Charleen were quietly giggling away, glancing at the jukebox behind them, and the other customers. I was quiet, and Kim was quiet with me.

The pizza was lukewarm, salty, and the edges were a little burnt, but the cheese was the perfect stretchiness. It was okay.

After seven “What’s New Pussycats?” (1965), by Tom Jones, they unplugged the jukebox. The sigh of relief that went through the diner was unmatched- it was even louder than the sighs of relief of having no homework on a Friday. Vance was a little annoyed, though. I heard him mumble something about “It's Not Unusual,” (another song by Tom Jones), but I didn’t catch all of it.

Kim and I walked in the back, still silent. She always knows what I’m thinking about. I guess I wouldn’t know how to explain it.

It was about midday, and the sun reflected off of the waves, blinding me. Our scooters leaned against some of the trees. By now, it was getting to be pretty hot out- hot enough to swim. The boys and Kim ran back to their houses to put on swimsuits, but I was just fine how I was.

I kicked off my shoes and socks and sat on the dock, reaching for the water with my toes. It was good. Cold. Took the thoughts out of my brain for a second.

Waves lapped at the shore. It sounded pretty, and I closed my eyes to listen to the rustling of the water and the trees. It filled me with something I couldn’t recognize; it felt good, I know, but it left an odd feeling in my stomach. It made the little something die down for a little while.

I hummed a little tune (NOT What’s New Pussycat, which had previously been replaying the “WHOOOOAAOOAOO” part over and over).

It was a waltz.

You know . . . Waltzes were always my favorite.

I hummed a little more. It was slow, but every note was important. It made the odd feeling in my stomach grow, and sent shivers up my spine.

It was the same song she hummed in my nightmare.

Familiar, a little eerie, sad, but final.

A duet!

The duet.

Her duet.

I heard a shout and a splash.

F.

Where were you? Where were any of you?

D#.

“Get away from me!”

E.

“I didn’t mean to.”

. . .

“You alright, Aubs?”

Kim was in the water in front of me, not drowning. Her hair was shaved on one side, and dark red. Not very blonde at all.

“Yeah.” I gave her my best smile.

Multiple splashes followed, each one a little bigger than the next, until my clothes were soaked and I might as well have swam anyway.

Angel swam over to the statue and pulled himself up the rock. “WATCH THIS!” He stood up on top and cracked his knuckles, putting his arms in a V-shape above his head. This was clearly some sort of stunt for Mikhael. It was probably harmless.

“Wait-” I shouted. My voice cracked.

Angel turned to look at me, a little concerned.

I swallowed, then spoke up.

“I don’t think that's a good idea. I just- I don’t think that's very safe.”

“Since when did you care about safety?” Mikhael taunted me.

Angel shrugged, and jumped in. I looked away.

I know he’s a good swimmer and all, I just-

I don’t know.

Accidents happen.

I was in the lake, swimming around next to Mari, where she sat on the dock, wearing a simple white dress. I wasn’t a great swimmer, but I could keep my head up enough to breathe, and I was right by the pier, too. Basil sat a few feet away on the picnic blanket, reading some stupid book about plants, or art, or something that Basil would like.

Sunny sat very awkwardly in his swim trunks on the bank. I could tell that he was a little uncomfortable, but I tried to smile at him whenever I got the chance.

Hero and Kel were wrestling somewhere in the middle of the lake, as brothers do (although Kel was losing whatever game they were playing.)

“One day I’ll be taller than you!” Kel declared, before falling back under the surface.

“Sureeeeee” Hero said, although I knew he wasn’t really trying to be mean.

“Well-” Kel said defiantly, trying to think of something to say. “-I bet you’re too scared to dive off of that statue!”

Hero looked at it thoughtfully for a moment. “I bet I’m not.”

In a few minutes he had found a way onto the statue.

“Be careful Hero!” Mari called, smirking at him. His face turned red.

“Mari! I’m trying to focus!”

“EWWWWWWWWWWW” Kel shouted. “HERO AND MARI SITTING IN A-”

“Shut up!” I yelled at him, flicking water in his direction. He scowled at me and I couldn’t stop myself from giggling.

Hero finally focused, and dived with barely a splash. Kel crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out at Hero when he resurfaced.

“I bet that YOU’RE too scared to dive off of the statue, Kel.” Hero said smugly.

“I’ll show you!” Kel swam off angrily, and after a significantly long amount of time was on the top of the statue.

I went to sit next to Sunny. He kept his eyes on Kel’s cannonball the whole time.

“Not a fan of swimming today?” I laughed.

“I guess not.” He said quietly.

“It won’t hurt! The rest of us are here and we’ll help you.”

Sunny gazed dreamily off into the distance. I wasn't even sure if he was listening.

“You can tread water next to me!”

Sunny’s ears turned pink. I suppose he was listening after all.

Kel trudged out of the water, clearly stubborn about his loss with Hero. He blew a raspberry in Hero’s direction.

“Sunny!” Hero called from next to Mari. “Why don’t you try?”

“No, I don’t think-” Sunny said, his face turning pale.

“Come on Sunny!” I smiled at him, and this time he looked at me. “You can do it! I know you can.”

Sunny climbed to the top of the statue.

“Go Sunny!” Hero cheered.

“You can do it, little brother!” Mari said happily.

“Beat Hero for me!” Kel shouted.

Even Basil looked up from his book long enough to say, “Go for it!”

Sunny’s face got a little paler every time he looked at their faces. I gave him my most encouraging smile.

“You can do anything!” I cheered.

Sunny peered at me, then at the water below. I saw him take a deep breath and step back.

But he didn’t jump.

He fell.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mari swim so fast.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mari curse.

I don't think I've ever seen Mari cry.

Until today.

Chapter Text

You know how I told you about that one time I heard Mari curse? Like, a few chapters ago?
Right then was "that one time".

I heard a huge splash, which, I guess I was expecting to hear. But not like this.

We all waited, breathless, for a few beats. No one knew what to do. Even Kel was frozen still- something that was very rare for him.

A storm of bubbles was thrown up into the air as Sunny emerged out of the water, trying to paddle with his arms. He struggled to keep his head above the water, as a wave went over his head. He thrashed, but it was no use.

He disappeared.

Another few beats.

Mari- Mari was the only one who moved.

Mari was calm. Mari was contained. Mari was, perfect. Her dresses were always neat, her laundry folded, her grades hard, her hair combed. Why do I keep having to tell you?

Not anymore.

She didn't care about her dress.

In an instant she was there. Her arms clawed desperately at the surface of the water like her life depended on it. Her dress billowed after her, leaving a trail of waves in her wake. Her long dark hair tangled around her arms, drenched by the spray. Every movement was short, and frantic, and unplanned

Then she disappeared too.

All was left was a small ripple.

It was all still.

I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I couldn't cry or yell for help. I couldn't do anything.

The four of us stood, for an instant, in a world without Sunny or Mari. What a terrible world it was.

It's good it only lasted for a few seconds.

A hand broke the surface, followed by Mari's head. She gasped for air, each breath forcing itself in and out of her lungs. Her dark hair was plastered to her face, eliminating her features. I couldn't see her face at all, except for a single eye.

She waded through the shallows, dragging Sunny behind her. Her dress was soaked, and it hung down her bony frame disappointingly, dripping with water. She walked on those sharp rocks like soft carpet, although I could see the blood dripping down her feet. water cascaded down her body, down her hair.

She threw Sunny onto the ground like she wanted nothing to do with him.

Sunny . . .

He looked weak. Limp. He didn't care. I wasn't even sure if he was awake. The same dark hair that Mari had was plastered to his head. His cheek was bleeding. I could only imagine his body sinking so helplessly through those dark waters.

We all finally came to our senses. Hero shouted, and ran to Mari's side. Kel and Basil ran to Sunny's side and kneeled down next to him.

"Sunny!" Kel cried, shaking Sunny's chest "Sunny are you alright?" He buried his head in his friend's chest.

Basil didn't speak at all. He just sat next to Sunny, arms around his shins, rocking back in forth. He stared intently at Sunny, his eyes wide, and . . . curious? Something about him, the something in his eye, wasn't Basil at all.

Hero cupped Mari's face in his hand, but from where I was standing, I couldn't see her face at all. She didn't react. She just stood, breathing raggedly and shuddering. Yet everything else about her was so still.

His face paled.

The only sound was the lapping of the lake, and the birds in the trees, and the rustling of branches. It was a beautiful day. Was.

I just stood. My stomach churned, like Mari's movements had torn right through it.

Mari's breaths fell into rhythm, and she stood up straight. I heard her inhale, like she was about to dive into deep, deep waters. Like she would never breath again.

She pushed Hero aside, not even looking at him.

Sunny stirred, his head turning to the side. He coughed, shaking his whole body.

Mari threw herself into his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder.

She wasn't out of breath.

She was

Crying?

Sobs shuddered through her whole body as she wrapped herself around her younger brother. She cried, and screamed, and yelled, her voice breaking the silence, the ambience. Her cries shook the whole lake, caused shockwaves in ground and swallowed me up, my ears began to hurt as they only left a sharp ringing in them. Her cries made the birds take flight. Her cries split the sky open.

I had never heard her sound like that before.

Someone ran up to her, and after a second I realized it was me. My chest ached, like her screeching had stabbed right through my heart, and I had come to her side without it.

I looked at her face. I shouldn't have.

Her hair framed her face. It was dripping with water. I noticed for the first time a cut on her face.

But that wasn't the worst part.

Something welled up in her eyes, and ran down her face, following a tortuous path down her cheek, and her neck, and dropping onto the ground like rain in a hurricane. More of the something came down from the corner of her other eye, leaving red marks in her skin. Her whole face was scrunched up, eliminating her smooth features. Her eyelashes were wet. It wasn't seawater.

I didn't know what I would see.

It wasn't her at all.

Sunny didn't cry, or say anything. His expression was blank, the first, but not the last time I would see that same look on his face. He just looked confused, if anything at all.

Neither of them quite the same after that.

Even when the water became still again, and covered Mari's claw marks through the waves. Even when her plain dress dried out again, and was put in the washing. Even when we never dove from that statue again. Something in them had changed.

Maybe the same thing had changed in Basil.

You know, after I pushed him in the lake.

It's a cruel irony, isn't it?

I saw the same something in Basil's eyes when I would watch him cry.

I saw the same something in Kel the day she died.

I saw the same something in Hero yesterday in his room.

I see the same something in myself every time I look in the mirror.

We've all changed so much since Mari- died.

Since we all thought that she killed herself.

Maybe Sunny and Basil saw it too. Did they see it in each other when they killed her?

Do they see it in me every time that I hurt them?

I don't really mean it.

I could never hate them.

No matter how hard I have tried.

I never meant to hurt them like this. . .

Right?

Basil really could have died.

Sunny really could have died.

It would have been my fault.

You know how I mentioned "A world without Sunny and Mari" earlier? That only lasted for a few seconds?

It's been lasting for a few years now.

I'm so tired of it all.

Chapter Text

I ended up leaving early; I couldn’t stand to watch them all diving off of that statue- and besides, I had an errand to run.
The smell of fresh(ish) fruit and cardboard came with the cold air of Othermart, hitting me as I entered through the automatic door. Immediately I was assaulted with the beeping of the cash register, the rustling of change, muffled talking, and an extremely loud fan. All supermarkets have it, and Othermart is no exception.

But I’m not here for day-old bananas or sweets.

Mikhael’s twin siblings (I don’t remember their names) laughed loudly from where they were conversing. They were supposed to be working at their family’s bakery, I assume, but it looks like they weren’t taking that job very seriously. One of the twins playfully pushed the other and they both laughed again, before glancing at me guilty when they noticed I was walking past.

I pulled my sleeves further down my arms and kept walking. My neck prickled.

I kept my eyes on my shoes as I pushed open the door- and knocked right into some girl and her mother.

“Sorry,” I muttered, holding the door open for them.

“You’re fine!” The girl responded cheerfully. I could feel her eyes on the back of my neck staring at me even when I went to the counter.

After a few minutes of waiting, someone finally opened the sliding window that separated the customers from the employees- like we were dangerous to them or something.

“I’m here to fill a prescription,” I sighed, pulling her prescription card and some money out of my pocket. 30 dollars. That was all I had. Nothing spare to spend on something as unimportant as pizza.

CHLORPROMAZINE 60MG CAP
TAKE ONE CAPSULE ORALLY, DAILY.

I left the pharmacy, with a now empty wallet. Her meds are only going to last a few weeks, max.

And then she’ll be back.

To how she was with dad, all of the time.

Before he left.

“Honey, calm down- just breathe-”

“You don’t care about me at all! Every time I go to sleep I hear you talking to some other woman and I know you think I’m worthless-”

“What?”

“You only use me for my body, one of these days you’re going to do something to me, I know it-”

“This is about the doctor, he said-Why would I?!”

“While I’m asleep in our bed I know you’re going to do something, you’re going to play with me and then-”

“What the hell are you going on about? You’re crazy, I’m just trying to help with all these new medications-”

“IS THAT A KNIFE?”

Slamming sounds came from the kitchen.

I huddled closer under my blanket, but no amount of comforters or shoving my face into Mr. Plantegg would drown out the racket. No amount of humming or singing, no amount of thinking about picnics, could make me forget. No amount of wanting Mari back, and wishing Sunny would talk to me could distract me. And no amount of wishing would make it go away.

It all felt so surreal.

What followed was silence.

Mom didn’t really say much after that, when I came out of my room. I could see red marks on her hands.

“Where’s dad?”

I know I shouldn’t have asked it.

Now I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. My real self. After seeing a bigger copy of my real self scream at me.

A while ago, Mom stopped going to church. She stopped cooking dinner at night. Then washing her clothes, or changing them as often as she should. Soon it was brushing her teeth and hair. She would walk about the house at night, shuffling around, checking all the locks, over, and over, and over again. She talked about silly things that just went on and on, never stopping. She was angry at my dad because he didn’t love her anymore. I wasn’t sure I loved her anymore either.

Dad tried to help her through everything that she was going through. He took her to the doctor, he sat with her through her delusions, her panic attacks, her depressive episodes. He helped get her Thorazine prescription, and paid medical insurance at his expense. But she only got angrier . . . and he was fresh out of patience.

The only thing he left before he- left . . . was Mom’s prescription card, and “AUBREY” scribbled on a napkin with a neon pink highlighter.

I’m really the only reason she takes them- but they don't even work. Sure, they stop the lock-checking, they stop the screaming, the banging, the red marks all over her body, the worrying, the delusions, but they didn’t start anything. They didn’t make her start brushing her teeth again, or start going to church. They didn’t make her smile, or make her tell me that she loved me, or cared about me. They didn’t stop her from missing Dad. They only made her dizzy and tired, sitting on the couch rotting away, all day, every day. Schizophrenia ripped a hole in her heart, and her meds barely kept it from ripping any further.

Oh- and it probably wasn’t a knife. She just likes to make things up.

I got out my key and unlocked the front door, pushing it open to a dark room. No TV today. Maybe she actually went to work, and is a little tired. Or maybe she’s out somewhere getting drunk with the few work friends that she has- the local shitheads.

I trudged to the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet and stuffed that bright neon bottle inside. I closed it, faced with my reflection in the mirror. No Mari, behind me this time.
I close my eyes, and grip the edge of the sink.

Is this who I have become? Some girl who lost herself in the pink hair, eyeliner, foundation, and contacts, just to avoid recognizing who she truly is?

I filled up my hands with cold tap water and doused my face, rubbing away at my eyes, watching trails of black run down my face. I pinched open my eyelid and peeled off my contacts. I do this every night, of course, but today is different.

I pulled back my hair into a ponytail, showing the brown roots that I haven’t had the money to dye again.

I’m startled by my brown eyes, brown hair, and freckles. All of which Mari had made me come to love. And all of which my mom had made me come to hate, because she has all of them too.

But I am so, so tired of hating. I’m tired of hating myself because of her, and because Mari is gone.

What would Mari think?

Kel’s words come to me. I’ve thought about them many times before myself.

Mari would want me to be happy.

Looking this way, I don’t feel any happier. I just feel different, a different that I’ve convinced myself that I like. I thought I would feel indestructible, but all I feel is like I’m about to break.

Self-expression is a bitch.

I brush my teeth, then change into a shirt I haven’t worn in a while. It’s a Sweetheart shirt, a little worn, a little faded, a little small. Should serve just fine as pajamas.

I turn out the light, then turn my head the way I have been lately, to see Mari’s smiling face on the wall. But again, she’s not there to watch over me

Maybe she’s watching over Sunny, now that the photo album belongs to him.

Sunny.

I used to really like him a lot. That much is obvious.

Right now, I want him to be happy, in whatever faraway town he’s going to live in. He sure as hell isn’t happy here.

I want him to be safe, for whatever surgery he’s going to undergo tomorrow.

I hope that Mari is watching over all of us. Me, who’s . . . going through a lot. Kel, who’s struggling to hold all of us together. Hero, who misses her so much it's driving him to the point of insanity. Basil, barely surviving what I’ve done to him, and the weight of the secret he’s been carrying, and Sunny, who has spent the last four years punished for everything he’s done.

I’m not going to let it happen again. I’m not going to let us drift apart and become resentful of each other, always running from the truth, like we did when she died. We’re going to get through it. We have to.

I’m visiting him tomorrow.

Chapter Text

The next day, after a somewhat restful sleep, I decide to leave my contacts out.

I knock.

When we were younger, Kel and I had knocking codes so we would always know it was each other. It made sense at the time, but I guess we hadn’t thought about the simple fact that we could have just looked through the glass. Kids are stupid, but what else is new?

I hear faint yelling on the inside for a few seconds.

A beat.

Would he even want to talk to me, considering how I yelled at him?

Kel opens the door, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “What do you want, Aubrey.” He crosses his arms. “To call me stupid again?”

I rub my forehead, trying to muster up the courage to say the words. I look at my shoes and swallow. Hard.

“Well?” He asks defiantly.

“I don’t have a ride.”

“So am I your shao-fur now?”

. . .

“Chauffeur.”

“Fine.”

“Fine!” I shout automatically. It’s instinct at this point. I sigh and swallow the lump in my throat. “I mean that, I was thinking because he’s having surgery and all, maybe I should go visit, well, Sunny. Give him a piece of my mind, ya know?”

I want to sink into a pit.

I haven’t said his name aloud since that day in the hospital. It feels . . . illegal.

I have to swallow again.

Kel shifts and leans against the door frame with his long arms. “And you need a ride there?”

I nod, unwilling to say anything else stupid or embarrassing.

Another beat of silence, briefly interrupted by Sally going absolutely apeshit in the background.

Then suddenly I'm lifted out of the air and squashed.

“Hey, put me down!” I shout at him. I kick him in the shin and he finally puts me down, laughing. I dust myself off. Gross.

“I knew you’d come around!” Kel says cheerfully, dragging me into his house by the arm. “Want eggs?”

Kel’s dad drove us to the hospital. The whole ride was just- quiet. Even Kel is nervously fiddling and staring out the window blankly. His dad’s knuckles are white on the steering wheel.

I’ve been doing a whole lot of swallowing today.

The automatic doors open with a faint beep, and the white walls and bright lights greet me once again. Seriously, you think by now they would have made it less blinding to simply exist here.

Also, everything smells like antiseptic and bleach. Great.

“We’re here to see Sunny Suzuki” Kel says to the front desk lady. She glowers at him from over her monitor.

“Sunny is in room 405”

“Great-” Kel interrupts.

“Visiting hours are between 11am and 8:30pm. Looks like Sunny is due for an operation but you can see him for now. Wash your hands and silence your phones before going to see him.” She finishes, looking at me suspiciously. I suppose it’s a bad day for all of us.

The elevators smell just as bad. Worse actually.

I can’t breathe.

Every tick, every floor, makes my heart rate go even faster.

Ding.

Fourth floor.

Sunny’s floor.

I swallow. Again.

Long bright, uniform hallways stretch out indefinitely. I close my eyes to try to combat the nausea.

“You okay?”

“I don’t know.”

Kel grabs me by wrist and pulls me through the hallways, until- He stops. A white door stands in front of me. The door handle is nice and shiny, and it glares at me until I have to shut my eyes again.

I could just do nothing. I could just sit outside in the hallway and think about other things, and try to forget. I could push all those feelings down until I didn’t feel them at all, until I forgot that she was even dead.

We stand some more.

Does he expect me to open the door? I know I have to open it. I didn’t come here for nothing.

But my hand won’t move.

Kel glances at me. Finally, he reaches out and puts his hand on the handle. I take a deep shuddering breath, and he turns it.

I want to turn away so bad it hurts, but I step into the room.

“Hey Aubrey! Hey Basil! Hey Kel! Heyyyyyy Hero!”

Hero covers his face, but we all know he’s blushing under his hands.

“And how could I forget you, dear brother.” Mari says happily, smiling at Sunny.

Kel runs in the room, a ball of energy as per usual, marveling at Mari’s knee brace. “Woooooowwwww that looks like it hurt! Did you cry? How long do you have to keep that on? Can I sign it?”

“Be careful!” I drag Kel away from Mari’s bed before he can break anything. She giggles, shaking her whole head of hair, and props herself up with the pillows.

“It’s okay, Aubrey- and to answer your questions, Kel, yes it hurt a lot, I might have even cried a little bit. I’ll have to keep it on for a few weeks at least, maybe a few months. You can sign it if you can hold onto a pen for long enough!” She laughs again, and Kel crosses his arms, sticking out his bottom lip.

“I bet you would cry a whole lot, Kel!” I nudge him in the back.

“Would not!”

“Would too!”

“Would not!”

“Would too-”

Hero comes in between us. “Okay, break it up, you two. Can’t we at least be quiet for Mari’s sake?”

“Would not.” Kel whispers, then sticks his tongue out at me.

Hero sighs. “How are you feeling, Mari? You okay?”

“Right as rain! But please tell me you made cookies while I was gone because I am starving!”

“How’d you guess?” Basil says shyly.

“Yesssssss pleaseeeeee I am SO hungry,” Mari flops back on her bed with a sigh.

I sit down in one of the visitor chairs and rummage around in my bag.

“Hero told me you tore your ACL.” Sunny says quietly.

“What an ACL?”

“It’s her knee, idiot!” I stick my tongue out at Kel.

“Ugh, I know, but what does it STAND for? It's an amacroni, right?”

“Acronym,” Basil corrects.

“WHATEVER.”

I take out the card, and Sunny sits next to me to read it once more. Our knees bump.

Hero scratches the back of his head, deep in thought. “I think it stands for . . . anterior . . . . something ligament?”

“Sounds about right.” Sunny says. I slip his fingers into mine.

“Mari, guess what!” Kel says triumphantly.

“What?” She asks playfully.

“We have a surprise for you.” Basil says in a sweet sing-song voice.

Mari’s eyes light up, “Oh?”

I clear my throat. “Drumroll please~ and- ta-da!” I pass the card over to Mari. “A get-well card from all of us!”

“Hero bought the card, and Sunny and Aubrey and I did most of the art, and Kel wrote the message.” Basil explains, a smile in his voice.

“We hope you like it.” Mari takes the card in her hands and opens it. She presses a hand to her chest as she recites it to herself. “Awwwww, thank you guys. You’re all so creative and sweet!”

“It’s nothing.” Sunny murmurs, but I can tell he’s still flattered by his sister’s words.

Mari sighs. “I guess I’ll have to quit softball.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Mari.” Kel says glumly. “I wouldn’t ever want to have to quit a sport to an injury like that. That sucks.”

“Don’t worry, Kel! Now I get more time to spend with you.” Mari sits up again. “At least we’re all here together.”

“That’s right.” Hero beams, pulling all of us (excluding Mari) into a group hug, squashing all of us. “And we always will be.”

Hero.

Before I knew the truth, Kel, Hero, and I brought Sunny flowers. Lily of the Valley, to be exact. Isn’t that such a pretty name? The green of the stem and the whitish cream color of the small flowers are such a beautiful combination of good qualities. Just like Mari. They were her favorite, after all.

Other people brought Sunny some flowers, too. A lot, actually. Charlene, Kim and Vance’s parents, and of course Angel, Vance, Kim, Charlene, Vance, and Mikhael (Who signed his name the Maverick, of course)

“Dear Sunny . . . Thank you for your help during the summer. Warmest wishes for a speedy recovery.” "Sending you some good wishes. Just like a big ol' rubber ball, you'll bounce back!"

"Get well soon, SUNNY. Please get to know KIM and VANCE better. They can use a good role model like you!"

"Get well soon, SUNNY! We'll be waiting for a rematch!"

And tons of other people have too, people I don’t even know.

And I wrote him a card too. “Sending a little get-well sunshine your way. We miss you, Sunny.”

We all trusted him.

I wanna throw up.

My treacherous feet bring me over next to his hospital bed.

Sunny looks the same as when I last saw him, for the most part. All the bandages are still there, but maybe there's a few more. And his right eye looks a little puffy, too. He looks thin, bony, and pale. He always does, but now more than ever. Staying inside probably isn’t that healthy.

His eyes are shut, as if he’s asleep. His face is smooth and emotionless, and his breathing is calm and deep.

He looks peaceful.

“Hey, Sunshine.” Kel says softly.

The door shuts behind us. Locking me and Sunny in the same room.

Kel sits on the stiff green chair positioned next to Sunny’s hospital bed. It looks well-used.

After a few seconds Sunny’s eyes flit open and he blinks rapidly, pushing himself to a sitting position, slowly. It looks . . . painful. He doesn't say anything. Just looks at Kel. I didn’t say anything either.

Kel clears his throat. “So, Sunny, Aubrey came to visit you today.

Sunny stares at me. It's hard to read his expression, with all the bandages. Not like it would be easy without them. It’s never been easy with Sunny. We just stare at each other. For an eternity. My throat feels like actual sandpaper.

Just right when I’m about to look away, Sunny’s cold, distant expression breaks apart. The corners of his mouth turn up, and the edge of his one visible eye crinkles up. He closes his eyes again, but his expression doesn’t change.

Sunny just smiled.

At me.

It’s such a small, shy smile, like he can’t muster up the strength to be more excited. Yet, something about it is just so . . . well . . . Sunny- that I have to take a deep breath.

My whole chest aches and I don’t know why.

But I can’t smile back.

I can’t smile at all, knowing what he’s done.

His one visible eye is a little puffy. I know from the few times I had ever paid attention in life that it's probably his immune system attacking his good eye after the loss of his other eye, but he also has dark stains on his cheeks. Tear stains.

I take another shaky breath and sit on the chair next to Kel.

“How are you today?” Kel asks brightly. Sunny slowly turns his attention back to Kel. He moves his shoulders up slowly, then down again, in a small shrug. He closes his eyes again, like he’s barely awake enough to even sit up.

“Tired?” Kel inquires. “How was your sleep?”

Sunny nods and shrugs again. Kel rubs the back of his neck and glances down. “Oh, sorry for waking you up-”

“S’ok” Sunny says quietly, giving Kel another small smile.

I grip the armrests a little tighter and try to calm the rhythm of my heart. Meanwhile, Kel is chatting on and on about everything under the sun, and Sunny listens to every word. They really are opposites.

But then I hear a familiar word.

“Hero.”

That's the reason everything was so awkward in the car.

I recall Kel’s words from a few days ago: “I know it's all my fault- alright? You don’t need to keep telling me.”

I’ll wager Kel’s parent’s aren’t too happy that their favorite son isn’t spending time with them.

I guess Hero is still holed up in his room.

I guess he still wants Basil and Sunny dead.

I guess I can’t blame him.

But with all of the pain we’ve been through, should we really have to go through any more? Wasn’t the past four years of suffering enough?

And remembering all the good times with Mari- it hurts. But it helps me remember that we all used to be friends. It helps me remember that she wouldn’t want this for us. Not for Kel. Not for me. Not for Basil. Not for Sunny. Not for Hero.

I hope he remembers that. I don't think either of us will ever forgive them, but I know that they still deserve to live.

Mari would want them to live.

I won’t let him drift away, like he did before.

He can be okay again.

We can be okay again.

I hope.

Maybe

“Hero wants to visit you again, Sunny, he really does. He misses you, just like the rest of us do, even mean ol’ Aubrey! I guess he’s just taking his time, is all, but I’ll bet you’ll see him soon.”

That’s one way to put it.

I sigh.

“Sunny.”

Both Kel and Sunny turn to me, and I can feel the nausea coming back.

I swallow it down.

“I-I” My voice cracks. Sunny is looking right at me.

His eyes are wide, and his knuckles are white, clutching at the sides of the hospital bed. His eyebrows are furrowed.

He’s afraid.

He’s afraid of me.

But I have to say this.

Out loud.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was never there for you after she died.”

I try my best to hold back the horrible feeling in my throat.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been such a jerk to you.”

My eyes are stinging, so I shut them.

“I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t tell the truth."

“I know I was angry- I know that I hurt you- and I’m sorry for that too."

"But I’m glad you told me."

“You can tell me anything."

A tear breaks through and streams down my cheek. I bury my face in my hands. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see all the ways I’ve hurt him in his eyes.

But I can’t help it.

His eyes are wide, and scared. All I see is my own reflection.

It makes me cry harder.

I’m such a terrible person.

I hurt everyone around me.

Basil and Sunny included.

Basil.

I want to be better, but-

But I still don’t forgive you.

Chapter Text

It's kind of quiet after that. Except for the heart monitor, which is beeping significantly faster

Even Kel is quiet.

I know I needed to say it, but maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. I thought it would make me feel better. I thought it would make me like myself more. Maybe even forgive Sunny, just a little.

But I feel more apart from him then ever.

Was it even doing it for him? Or for myself?

Shit.

I keep my eyes on my shoes and chip away at my black nail polish.

The door opens. Is Kel leaving? Can I leave?

But it's someone else. Entering.

Someone I recognize, but haven't seen in a long time.

Her hair is dark and wavy, pulled up into a bun. She's wearing a plain dress, something just formal enough for work. Heels click on the floor

Dark circles are under her eyes, and they're all out of smile.

She looks really tired. Just drained.

Familiar, and not just because I know her.

Sunny is pretty much the spitting image of her. Not the heels, obviously.

But they both look so exhausted of it all. And you know, because they're related.

Speaking of Mari and Sunny, she's their mom.

Sunny stiffens up as she enters the room. He grips the sheets of his bed with his fists and stares blankly at them.

"Hey," She says. Her voice is crackly, like she's holding something back. "Kel. Aubrey."

"Mrs. Suzuki. Its nice to see you again." Kel responds blankly. He's sitting straighter than normal, not looking at her. His hands make fists in his laps- What the hell is going on? What am I missing? 

I stand up, and lean against the wall.

"You too." Sunny's mom sighs and settles down in the chair like its taking all of her strength. She sighs again. "The drive was two hours."

"Sunny's been in the hospital for four days now." Kel's voice is full of ice. His arms are shaking.

I don't think I've ever seen him mad. Well, I've seen him mad tons of times, but not like this. Even when we used to butt heads and fight all of the time, he knew I didn't mean it. He knew that I was just joking around. Right?

Kel and I were watching the Sweetheart movies at his house. We made a blanket fort and everything, right in front of the TV, complete with every snack and candy we could find at Hobbeez and Othermart.

A whole night of watching Sweetheart movies.

Pretty boring, right?

I pull the blanket up to my shoulders and turn to my side.

Kel is transfixed on the TV. His eyes are wide, reacting to every line.

I giggle, but cover my mouth and shift again to look back at the TV.

"Shush," He murmurs, his eyes still glued to the movie.

We both watch in silence for a few seconds.

"I'm bored."

"SHUSH." Kel says, a little louder this time.

"Afraid you're going to miss something?" I laugh. "You've already seen this movie tons of times."

"Seriously, shut up! We're about to get to the cool part, where she-"

"Wait . . . don't tell me you like this movie that much!"

Kel finally turns to face me, his eyebrows furrowed in a worried way. "No-I-it's-"

"OooooOOOhhhh Kel liiiikes Sweetheart movies." I laugh again, pushing the blanket off of me and cupping my hands to my face. "SUNNYYYYY ARE YOU HEARING THISSS!?"

"Stop!" Kel shouts at me, sitting up and pushing me over. "Shut up!"

I collapse back on the blankets. His face and the tips of his ears are bright red.

"I'm going to tell your BOYFRIEND that you loveeeeee movies made for three-year-olds!"

"Sunny is NOT my boyfriend! If anything he's yours!" He says defensively, covering his ears.

"HEY! That's not fair- I-" It's my turn to blush. My mouth hangs open and I try to come up with something to say.

"SUNNY AND AUBREY SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I" 

"SHUT IT!"I throw a pillow at him, and bury my face in one so he can't see my cheeks, which feel warmer than usual. I plug my ears and pray to God that Sunny did not hear him. "Stop bullying me! Hero would never be so mean!"

He stops.

I look up from the pillow.

"What? Of course I'm like Hero-I-"

"Not with those grades you aren't!" I giggle, throwing my pillow at him too for good measure. I hope my face isn't too obvious.

"No-I-I- He- Stop-"

"You couldn't cook or clean if your life depended on it!" I don't know why I'm still going. He knows I don't like Sunny, right? I mean, he's my friend but I don't like like him, not like that. "And you're like, the least responsible person I've ever met!" Right?

"Well, I-I don't like y-you either, Aubrey." 

Silence.

I finally look at him. I mean- really look at him.

His eyes are wide, and kind of shiny, and his chin is quivering. He hugs the pillow tighter to his chest and looks down. His hands are shaking, too.

I can finally shut up, but now I can feel my throat aching, and my face stings like a slap to the face. "No, I didn't mean it like-"

"Just stop talking."

I realize what I've done

But it's too late.

He turns back to the TV, and lays back down. I do, too.

I hear sniffling next to me. I open my mouth, and turn again to say something, but he's not facing me. His shoulders shudder, and I can tell he's breathing hard.

I shift once more, and scoot away from him, bringing my knees to my chest. I wrap my arms around them and bury my face in my legs.

I guess we passed the cool part Kel was talking about.

Basil and Sunny aren't the only ones I've hurt.

Well, it doesn't matter, because right now, he's really mad.

"Sunny is about to get surgery. He's been in so much pain for days on end and you can only sacrifice two hours now? Kel's eyes are fixed down at the floor.

I move further along the wall, farther from him, Sunny, and Sunny's mom.

Sunny's mom stares straight ahead. "I had to take off work to come down, and its been really tough moving and all. He's old enough to be by himself now."

Sunny's hair droops down his face as he hunches over. I can't make out his face. But Kel does.

"He's been by himself for four years now."

Another sigh. "He is just fine, thank you." Her voice is still tired, but with a bite.

Kel finally stands up. "Does he look fine to you? Sunny is in the hospital. He's tired, scrawny, and can barely speak a word." He takes a step towards her. "Do you even know why he's here?"

She doesn't seem to know what to say to that. 

"He got stabbed in the damn eye. Do you even know what happened? Do you even care?"

She gathers the right words to say. "Of course I care about him."

"Then why won't you say his name? Why won't you acknowledge him, or talk to him?"

She rubs her face. "Life has been hard lately- the drive up, the move, getting the movers to the house and paying the bills, my new work, everything."

"Your son- Sunny- is in the hospital and all you can talk about is your own hardships. Do you want to make him feel guilty?" Kel's fists shake at his sides and Sunny sinks further down into the bed.

"Well, he's not going to do much talking himself, now is he?" Sunny's mom finally looks up at Kel.

I feel like I'm not supposed to be here.

"And who's fault is that? You're supposed to talk to him! you're supposed to take care of him!" He's breathing hard. "You're not supposed to let him slip into a depression like this! Especially after what happened with Mari!"

"You don't get to talk to me about my daughter. You don't get to talk to me about my son." She's angry now, but no expression shows on her face. I guess it runs in the family.

"WHY WON'T YOU CALL HIM BY HIS NAME? SUNNY, DAMMIT!" Kel shouts. 

I have to get out of here.

Kel's voice cracks. "Do you even feed him, or talk to him? What's he been eating all of this time? What has he been doing these past four years?"

"I have been going through a lot with my daughter's death. You do not get to ask these kinds of question."

"You have? You have been going through a lot? Sunny's just a kid- he needed you, and you failed him." Kel's voice is as cold as ever. "As much as you don't want to believe it, he isn't okay. You can't expect him to not feel guilty for her death when you treat him like he's not even a person!"

Too far.

"I'm trying."

Kel's mouth hangs open, his eyes wide. After a few seconds, he finally opens his mouth to speak again, and-

"Kel, stop. She's just- She's grieving in her own way. I know you want to help Sunny but- this isn't going to undo anything that's already happened."

Kel opens his mouth. Then closes it again, then-

"I'm sorry."

He dashes out of the room.

Sunny's mom has her face in her hands.

Sunny is the same.

I walk to his hospital bed. "Sunny." I say, as gently as I can, which isn't very gentle, for the record. "I have to go, but I promise I'll be there after your surgery. Don't worry okay? I'll be there, me and Kel. I promise."

He looks up at me, staring straight at me until my vision swims and I can't see anything except the emptiness captured in his eyes. He just has that effect on me. He always has.

"I hope your surgery goes well- ummmm, bye!"

I want to slap myself in the face.

I leave Sunny and his mom alone.

I guess I can sympathize with him. I have a pretty shitty mom, too.

But I don't forgive him.

I see Kel sitting in the lobby, in the far corner. I sit next to him.

It's silent for a few seconds, but I know he's holding back all of the words he wants to say.

And they all come spilling out.

"I-I know she's grieving, it-its just- I'm so worried about him. M-Maybe he wouldn't have lost his eye if someone, if I-" He swallowed. "If she had just- been there. Maybe everything would be fine if I- She had tried harder to help him. Maybe we'd all still really be friends. Maybe he would be happy, again. Maybe he would have told us. Sooner.

"But instead he's melnarished and in the hospital, and he's so sad, and I-I don't know how to help him. Just look at him, Aubrey. He still won't tell me what happened with him and Basil"

"If I had spent last time on basketball, and getting new friends, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he would be okay, again."

"I wish could help Hero too, but every time I try to talk to him he just seems more mad."

"I wish I could help you, but you seem to hate me so much."

"All I'm good for is being stupid and annoying. Why am I so worthless."

He says it all so quietly I can barely hear him. Something that Kel never is.

He's been loud and overly cheerful since the day I met him.

My shoe is missing.

I don't know where it went. I don't even know how I lost it.

I wish I wasn't so stupid and forgetful.

I sit down on the curb, letting the tears fall. Cars can come and run over my shoeless toes if they want to. I don't care.

I un-Velcro my other shoe and throw it. It's not like I need it or anything.

What is Dad going to say?

"Hey are you okay?" 

Some kid is standing in front of me. He looks about my age, with brown hair that falls down to his shoulders. He's missing a tooth. He might even be in my class. It's not like I pay attention.

He's holding my shoe.

"Hey! Give me that!" I snatch it back from him.

"Fine with me. I don't want your cooties anyway."

I expect him to leave, like all people do when they get to know me. I want him to, anyway.

He doesn't.

He sits down next to me on the curb. "Your hair is really pretty." He says loudly.

"Leave me- what?"

"I said your hair is really pretty!" He smiles, showing his missing tooth again.

"Oh. Thanks." What else am I supposed to say?

"Sooooooo, what's wrong?" 

"Umm." I bite my lip. It feels stupid now that I'm right about to say it. "I lost my shoe."

"This one?" He points to the one I'm holding.

"No, stupid! The other one." It feels natural, almost. Maybe if he knows I'm rude now he'll leave and I won't have to watch him be disappointed.

He gets up, finally. Now he's going to leave.

"Mari! Hero! Sunny! Come here!."

Oh no. More people who are going to hate me.

A tall girl with dark hair and a long dress steps out of the trees. She looks about 13 or 14. She's carrying a picnic basket. "What is it Kel?" She says cheerfully, before noticing me. "What's wrong?"

"Oh-I-um-" I try to come up with something less stupid, something so that everyone will just leave me alone.

"She lost her shoe." The boy, Kel, I suppose, points at me.

Another boy about my age with black hair comes out (he looks related to the girl but I can't tell). After him comes a boy who looks about the same age as the girl, but pretty similar to this Kel guy. Maybe they're related too. It's not like I know anything about what that's like.

"It's fine. I can find it myself." I finally say, furiously trying to put my shoe back on. I can feel my ears burning.

"Of course not! Me and my friends can help you." The girl says, kneeling next to me.

"Y-you will?" I can feel my tears coming back but I rub them away. I'm not going to let these people see me cry. Not when they've been this nice to me.

"Sure!" She says, like it isn't a big deal or anything. "That's Kel, that's Hero, that's Sunny, and I'm Mari! I'm Sunny's older sister and Hero and Kel are brothers."

So I was right. My heart sinks. 

"What's your name?" Kel chimes in.

I don't know why I'm surprised by the question. "Au-Aubergine, but everyone just calls me Aubrey."

"Cool name!" Kel says, playing with his hair. "My real name is Kelsey. Terrible, right?"

I find myself giggling all of a sudden. Why am I laughing? What's wrong with me? "I thought that was a girl's name."

"It is." He says glumly. I start giggling again. Why am I feeling like this? "But Hero's name is really Henry! You would think he saved a dog or something, but he just really likes sandwiches!"

He sits next to me again, and Hero and the other boy, Sunny, kneel down next to me.

"Woah, are you okay?"

Something slides down my face. I put my hand on my cheek, and it comes away wet. Am I . . . crying?

No, nononono. No. I said I wouldn't cry in front of these kids. And I just met them, too, and they seem so nice, but now they're going to see what I'm really like, and they're going to think I'm weird, and-

"Look-" Hero says, his voice gentle. This is where he's going to make an excuse and leave. "We're going to help you find your shoe."

What?

"No, it's okay, I'll-" I start to say.

"Come on, silly." Kel interrupts. "We're helping you!"

He grabs my wrist and pulls me to my feet, before making an overly serious face. "Detective Kel here, on the case of Aubrey's Missing Shoe- could you tell us what you know of the whereabouts of the shoe in question?"

I laugh-cry again. Maybe they weren't so bad.

I loved Mari. that much is true. But she loved Hero, and Basil, and Sunny, and me. And Kel. And I love them, too. I love him too.

I guess I haven't shown it.

He has always been there for me, making me laugh when I'm sad, holding my hand when I'm lonely, challenging me but I'm being an asshole-

But I've always just been the asshole.

"Kel- I-" I don't know what to say. I don't know how to apologize for all of the times I've made him feel stupid, and annoying, and worthless. 

He keeps staring at the ground. 

"Kel." I sigh. "You have done so much for me."

He looks at me, his eyes kind of shiny, but it's hard to tell in this lighting, which, again, is practically blinding. "You're just saying that."

I've made him believe that I don't care about him. 

"I messed everything up." He says

This is my chance to apologize for every time I've hurt him.

"You were the one who knocked on Sunny's door and called him, like, three times a minute. You were the one who stuck with him even though I bullied you. You were the one who defended Basil when I hurt him. You were the one who rummaged around in my trash for the photo album that I threw away. You barged into my house when I was hiding from my responsibilities. Its always been you, and not me. You brought us all together."

No response. Nothing

"Look, Kel. Look at me."

He finally does. Yeah, his eyes look pretty shiny right now. 

"I promise to never leave you again."

A beat.

"Do you promise promise?"

I take a deep breath. "I promise promise. It won't be weird or awkward between us any more."

He smiles. A different kind of smile then the kind he plasters on his face at every waking moment. Its small, and watery, and just for me.

"And it's pronounced malnourished."

"Shut up."

Then there's more silence, but not the bad kind. It feels nice. It feels right.

"Speaking of Basil, where is he?"

"He went home yesterday. He just had a few scratches."

"Oh." 

. . .

"You just promised that things wouldn't be awkward between us. You can't break it already." 

I giggle. "Speaking of promises, I promised Sunny we would both be here when he wakes up after his surgery."

Kel's face contorts. "Really, Aubrey? I can't even go home?"

"You and me both know you were going to stay anyways. I know you really care about Sunny. I mean really care about Sunny. I mean really care-"

He blushes and looks away. "Shut up."

More peaceful silence, broken only by the occasional beeping of the automatic doors.

"Oh, Aubrey?"

"What?"

"I like you without your contacts. Don't get me wrong, I like you with them also, but I think you look really pretty without them, too."

"Thanks." It's my turn to blush.

. . . 

"You should probably go talk to Mrs. Suzuki."

"Yeah . . . "

Chapter Text

“So, what kind of surgery is he getting anyways?” I ask.

Kel shrugs. “Endo- something. I think it’s an eye infection thing. It’s called a vasectomy, or something like that.”

“You mean . . . . vitrectomy . . . right? ”

"Something like that."

. . . 

“So is he going to lose his eye?”

Kel sighs. “I don’t know. From what I’ve heard from the doctors there’s a pretty low chance his vision will be exactly the same, but I guess he’ll still get some of it back. If he has to lose it completely, maybe he could get a glass eye or something, that’d be pretty cool, right?”

I try to imagine Sunny with a glass eye, and I burst out laughing.

“Is that a yes??”

I have to hold my stomach to stop myself from dying from laughter. “Do you think he’ll have to wear an eyepatch while he recovers, like one of those comic book characters we used to read about?”

Kel’s face brightens. “Captain Spaceboy?”

“Yeah, him.”

“ . . . I hope.” Kel says, scratching the back of his head. 

“Whatever happened to those comics anyways? I don’t remember seeing any new volumes.” I try to think back. Kel owned just about every volume, and Sunny and I would go to his house to read them together whenever he got a new one. Since everything happened I don’t think I’ve read a single one.

Kel shrugs. “Dunno. I think they rebranded him to ‘Space Boyfriend’ or ‘Space Ex-Boyfriend’ or something like that. I stopped reading after that.”

“That's stupid.”

“Agreed.” Kel says. “That doesn't stop me from revisiting the old volumes every once and a while. Sometime you should come over and we should re-read them.”

“I’d like that.”

I knock.

"Hey Sun-" Kel starts to say, then notices. "Oh, Aubrey."

"Did you get the new volume?" I can't even be mad.

"Y'know, we should have a secret knock, that way I always know its you, and you always know its me."

I blow out a breath of exasperation. "You never go to my house."

"I know that! I just . . . . I mean if . . . you were in my house? And I . . . needed to get in.?

"Sure. Whatever." Better just agree so we can get on with reading.

"Hmmmm." Kel says out loud, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "How about this."

He tries a rhythmic knocking pattern on the door, out of time of course.

"Fine." I say, knocking back but doing it correctly. "Can I come in already?"

He ignores me. "That'll be for 'just sayin' hi' and . . . "

He tries another rhythmic knocking pattern.

"This'll be for . . . an emergency! Like you're on the run or something."

"K-"

"And this'll be for 'Sunny likes me back!'" He does one more knocking pattern on the door and smirks at me.

"Who likes who?" says a tired voice behind me.

I nearly jump out of my skin. "Uh- um . . ." I glare at Kel and try to think of something to say.

"He-He means that . . . Mari likes Hero back!" 

"Yeah, I guess. We're here to read the new comic, right?" Sunny says, wiping his eyes.

"Why are you always so tired, Sunny? Its four o' clock, get it together." Kel says indignantly, before letting both of us in.

"That was a close call, Kel" I hiss into his ear. "Too close."

Kel pretends to listen hard. "What was that Aubrey? You don't want to read the new comic after all? Okay, you can go home and Sunny and I can have all of the fun to ourse-"

I shove him.

Sunny looks done with both of us. I hope he knows its not me who's causing all of this.

"Follow me!" Kel screams, running up the stairs.

"Ladies first!" I shout after him, but he's long gone into his room.

"Drumroll please . . ." I hope Kel doesn't expect us to actually do a drumroll. He continues anyway. "Andddddd ta-da!"

Kel whips the volume out from behind his back and shows us the sleek cover.

"Wooowwwwww." I exclaim. They really outdid themselves this time.

Sunny looks equally excited, but he doesn't seem the exclaiming type. Kel settles on the other side of Sunny from where we're sitting up against his bedframe, luckily the farthest from me, and opens the first page.

"On a dark and stormy night, they-"

"Drop the voice, Kel."

"Okay, okay."

I lean my head against Sunny's shoulders, trying to get a better view of the comic. That is . . . why I'm doing it, right?

I blow the hair out of my face and lean back. “Sooooo, how long do you think we have to wait?”

“I have no idea.”

Kel gets up and tries the drink vending machine. It gets stuck.

He comes back over to me. "Well, that was my last two dollars. They didn't have Orange Joe anyways."

"I told you, no one except for you drinks that crap."

"Yeah . . . um . . . when I drank that expired Orange Joe the other day . . . I kind of threw up." Kel admits shamefully.

"You're too stubborn for your own good, you know that?"

"Hey! I stand up for what I think is right, thank you! And you're certainly one to talk."

"Yeah, but you got sick over a crappy soda brand. That is absolutely not worth it." I shake my head. Kel has always tried to prove a point, usually if I had the opposing view. Didn't matter what it was. If I thought it should be one way, he would bother me about it.

"Yeah . . . It really wasn't." He makes a weird face.

. . .

"So what's been going on with you? Other than, you know . . . everything." Kel waves vaguely around at the hospital walls around us.

I think about my girlfriend, who I barely talked to yesterday. I think about my mom.

"Fine. I guess. How's basketball?"

Hours pass, or maybe its minutes, of just talking to Kel. Or sitting in silence. Both were fine with me. I have a lot to think about.

"D'ya think it's too early to ask if we can visit Sunny yet?" Kel inquires, after a long time of just staring into space out of boredom. Even though I'm glad to have my friend back for good, there's only so much to talk about. Also, it's Kel. It can get pretty damn exhausting.

"How long can eye surgery take anyways?"

"You're asking the wrong guy." 

"I guess . . . It can't hurt, right?"

A different receptionist is at the front desk now, looking equally tired but notably less pissed off. He looks up at us with tired eyes as we approach, but his tone is overly friendly, something that doesn't show at all on his face. "Hello! What can I help you with today?"

 I twirl my hair around my finger. "Um . . . is Sunny Suzuki out of his surgery yet? He was in room 405."

A few awkward seconds/minutes of the receptionist clicking around on the computer, he looks up. "Sunny is awake, and in the recovery room, room 608. However, only one person is allowed at a time, for fifteen minutes an hour. Someone else just visited him about 45 minutes ago, but you can probably head up now."

Kel and I make our way to one of the elevators. I press the 'up' button.

 "You know, I feel pretty bad for nurses." Kel says, out of the blue.

"Huh?"

"I heard from my parents that nursing school is pretty expensive, and takes a long time."

"Oh." Sometimes I forget Hero is trying to become a doctor.

"Hero's not even a real nurse, he just works at the student hospital for 'his education' or whatever. He says it's pretty exhausting, and if anything is exhausting for him you know it's bad. And I heard somewhere that they don't get paid well. Hero still does it though, and my parents love him for it." He chews on his lip, his eyebrows furrowed.

"You okay?"

"Y-Yeah. Just a little tired."

The elevator dings, and opens. It still smells like cleaning supplies.

"I guess . . . Sixth floor?"

"Probably."

It's quiet. Bad quiet.

"You know." I say, surprising myself. I comb my hands through my hair and swallow. "You don't have to, like, be Hero, or anything. I like you the way you are."

A low quality piano cover plays quietly over the speaker.

"How would you know? It's not like you have any siblings," He says bitterly.

It stings, but I know its the truth.

Mari kind of was. She was kind of like the sister that I never had. Was. Was. Was.

"Well . . . I still think you're, like, just as good as Hero."

"Sure."

He isn't convinced.

I can feel my chest tightening, the higher we go. I have to talk to Sunny again. Now I can't just sit and stare at the wall while Kel does all of the talking.

I've got to relax. It's only for fifteen minutes, right? I'll be fine. Right?

"I guess that other person that's visiting him right now is his mom." Kel says, kind of guiltily.

"Probably." I have got to stop saying probably.

The elevator door finally opens on the sixth floor and we step out together. There's more chairs in this hallway, full of anxious people waiting to see if their friends are okay.

"608, 608, 608" Kel mutters to himself, checking the number of each room before moving on to the next.

"Kel?"

He turns his head to look at me.

"Why did you lie . . . about Hero?"

He stops.

"He'll come around."

Then he keeps walking like nothing had happened at all.

He stops again. "What was the room number again?"

"608, dumbass."

Kel finally finds Sunny's room. Outside of it are four chairs up against the wall, similar to the kind in room 405. Sunny's mom is sitting in one of them. I'm kind of surprised she's still here, even thought I knew that Her- that no one else would be visiting him today.

He sighs, and sits down in the chair next to Sunny's mom. "You can go first, Aubrey."

Oh.

The door is white, and freshly painted. The handle is metal, and freezing to the touch. I can almost see my reflection in it.

There's no Kel to open it for me this time.

It's all me. Only me.

And the door is open- because a nurse is coming out of the room. "Excuse me." She says, and leaves it at that.

I walk in.

Somehow, they managed to hook him up to even more devices. Patches in his arm, and down his throat, and randomly taped to parts of his chest through the hospital gown. And obviously, there are a lot more bandages over his eye and parts of his nose. His head is laid back, and he's motionless, except for deep, shuddering breaths that drag themselves forcefully through his body. He looks like he's sunk into the blankets, into the bed, like he just can't try to resist anymore. He looks weak. He looks . . . dead.

But he's awake.

His one good eye flits to me when I come up next to him.

"See, I promised I would be here after your surgery," Is all that I could think to say.

He tries to turn up the corners of his mouth again, but it's too hard for him, and he closes his eyes, exhausted.

"How are you feeling? I know you're groggy from the anesthetic and stuff."

He blinks in response. Very slowly. He has pretty long eyelashes, for a boy at least.

I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but I'll try to work with it.

"Need me to do anything for you?" I ask, peeling away at my cuticles.

A head shake this time. I am on a roll today.

So I tell him about me. I just talk, and talk, and talk. Really pulling a Kel, I guess, but who cares.

Those fifteen minutes are up before I know it.

I just feel relieved.

Then its another forty-five minutes of waiting. Mrs. Suzuki is gone by the time I come back out, so it's just me and Kel again

Then it's his turn.

When he comes out, its unspoken that we both are ready to leave.

"Jesus, I think my eyes are actually becoming accustomed to light." I complain, dragging myself out of my seat. 

Kel laughs, kind of dreamily, the way he's been getting around Sunny for the past few days. "Same. Let's get out of here."

"You are driving me, right?"

"No, I was going to leave you here."

I roll my eyes. He's so stupid.

Sand covers my feet, and I mean covers my feet. I can feel each granule finding its way into my toenails every second that I stand here. But within a few moments, warm August water laps over them and washes it all away, leaving only a dark imprint, a bad memory.

Except that Kel throws a whole handful at me.

"HEY!" I shout at him. We aren't at school anymore, there isn't any teacher to tell us 'shut up' or 'you're banned from the library'. I can yell as loud as I want.

Unfortunately that also means he can also throw as much sand at me as he wants.

We're not at school; we're at the beach.

I push him into the waves, and he comes up coughing and sputtering up water

"Chill out, you two." Hero says affectionately. "We only just got here, you have plenty of time to fight later. Come help set up the picnic."

"Ugh . . . fine." Kel agrees indignantly.

"FINE!" I shout back at him.

"FI-"

"A-Alright, we get it." Basil says, covering his face. He likes to be all dainty and give small smiles, but I know he's too excited to today.

I cross my arms and blow hair out of my face, which is already kind of wet from the ocean spray, and go sit next to Sunny, who is trying to unfold the picnic blanket evenly on the sand and clearly failing. The wind keeps blowing it back into his face. Sunny's so cute when he gets frustrated, his cheeks puff out and he just glowers at whatever is making him angry. I take the other end and we slowly lay it down onto the ground. 

"Teamwork!" I say happily, giving him a high-five.

Kel dives onto the blanket, messing it up. "What?" He asks far too innocently when we both glare at him. "I was making sure the wind wouldn't blow it away!"

"Sure, Kel." Sunny mutters. "Whatever you say."

Mari takes sliced watermelon out of her picnic basket, and we're all on her in an instant, except for Basil. I grab a slice before Kel can get one and take a bite.

The warm ocean breeze blows through my hair, and all I hear is the rushing of the waves up the beach, and down the beach. I close my eyes and savor the taste of today. I can pretend that my problems don't exist as long as I'm right here, on this beach with my friends.

I can feel myself smiling, like really smiling. It feels nice.

I open my eyes.

But Basil isn't there. He's not taking a photo of me, like I thought he would be.

All I see is the waves is the sand stretching out in front of me,

Something is wrong.

The waves run up the beach, and down, and up, and-

There's more splashing than normal.

Where's Basil?

I look around frantically. Hero and Mari are still unloading all the food, and Sunny and Kel are sitting across from one another, talking and laughing.

He's not out in the sand.

I hear a scream and then I see him.

Far out at sea.

Thrashing.

Struggling to stay afloat.

I'm not on the beach anymore.

He's screaming right in front of me, clawing at the water, trying to get a grip. But its no use. His head dips down under the surface.

Down. Down. Down

I didn't help him.

I wake up covered in so much sweat that when I sit up I can feel that my bed is wet.

Another nightmare, really? Can't I get one peaceful night of sleep?

This time it's not about Mari.

It's about Basil.

Chapter Text

"So where do you want to go?" Kel asks as he steps out of his house the next morning.

"Ummmmm." I hadn't really thought about it. I knew where I should go. But I most certainly most definitely do not want to go there. "Fix-it."

Wow Aubrey? You're 'want' to hang out at goddamn hardware store? This is low even for you.

"Sure." Kel says. "Why."

I have not gotten that far.

"I need to get flowers." I blurt out, and leave it at that.

"Sure. I have to got here anyway for . . . an errand"  

"So how are you liking it at school, Basil?" I ask. "Better than homeschool?"

He shrugs and smiles. "My grandma says it's better for me to be around people my own age, but I miss sleeping in."

"As much as I hate to agree she's probably right." I sigh. "Without school you wouldn't have met me . . . probably."

Is that too braggy?

I try to tuck the little twinge of shame back into my brain and stuff it down to my toes. I thought it was getting better.

Relax, Aubrey. You just don't know him yet.

"Yeah." He says cheerfully. "I've lived here a while but I don't h-have too many friends, because I'm, not really much of a talker. I'm really glad you're in my class, though."

"Well, you're probably missing out. My friend Sunny- he's in the class across from you- is a lot like you, I think. You would probably get along."

I don't know why I feel jealousy rising n my stomach. How am I getting worked up over something theoretical like this? He hasn't even met Sunny yet. Was that too self-deprecating? 

He said something, but I missed it. I don't want to sound like I don't care.

"Mhmm." I respond generally. "So, where are we going?"

Basil smiles. "I told you I like gardening - we're going to Fix-it so I can pick up some new seeds. Maybe you can even help me plant them if you want."

"I've been to Fix-It tons of times with my dad." Technically, not a lie, I just left out the part about going there to fix the aftermath of mom's temper tantrums. "But I don't know much about gardening."

"That's okay, its not so hard and not so boring if you've got company!"

"Well, I'll give it a try, then."

When we go to the entrance of the store, Mikhael is just standing right in front. I have no idea what he's doing.

"Uhhh, isn't there a rule against lottering?" Kel says when we pass.

"Loitering." I correct, and Kel just sighs. "Yeah, what are you doing here, Mikhael?"

"The Maverick, thank you. " He says snootily. "Is a man not allowed to go to the hardware store anymore? I see you're getting progressive, Aubrey-"

"Why are you really here?" I interrupt. I don't really care, actually, but I might as well kill time. And Mikhael can be pretty interesting, too, but not in the way that he thinks he is.

He sighs. "Angel said he's give me a hundred bucks if part of the Fit-It sign falls down on my head. Charlene said that I could also probably get a safety lawsuit or something, and I'm going to use the money to buy the new Space Boyfriend Comics."

We both look up. The "I" of the Fix-It sign is right about our heads, and looking extra shakier than usual, which isn't saying a lot, but knowing the state of this place anything is possible.

"Gross." Kel shudders, both at the idea of suffering a traumatic injury to the head and reading Space Boyfriend comics. "Well, good luck with that."

The flower section is a little picked over. It usually is around summertime, when people are outside dying more often, or getting married or something. They still have plenty of gladiolus, though.

I grab a bouquet, and smell them, like I always do. They remind me of good memories.

"Glados." Kel says, shooting me finger guns. "Nice."

. . . 

"Gladiolus."

"This is borderline harassment."

I reach into my pocket, and fish around, even though I know for certain I don't have any money. At least, not enough to buy a whole bouquet of flowers. "Darn. Can you spot me, Kel?"

He grins. "Only if you come with me to the gardening section."

I haven't been back here, since, you know.

Well, I've been to Fix-It tons of times to pick up hardware parts for leaky pipes, broken faucets, rabbit food, etc, etc.

But I haven't been to the gardening department.

But not having to pay when I can just close my eyes is definitely worth it.

"Here we are!" Basil exclaims. "The best place on Earth!"

This is the first time I've been to this part of the store- it's not like my family has much of a garden.

The first thing I notice is the smell. Literally just dirt, and kind of sweet-smelling too, but not like, bad or anything. The air is pretty humid, too.

And when I open my eyes, there are plants of every kind packed into corners, and on every surface. Piles of mulch and every kind of soil under the sun lie in heaps, and a whole wall is dedicated solely to seeds.

As a non-gardener, even I have to admit this place is kinda cool.

"What should we look at first, Aubrey?" 

Uhh, what does he want me to say? 

"Seeds." I answer, trying to get ahead of my racing thoughts.

"Alright-y." Basil skips over to the seed wall-aisle-thing and furiously takes seed packets out of their place, reads the backs, and moves on to the next. He all does it with a kind of care though- he doesn't damage or mess up anyone else's way of organizing things, even thought he's excited. Unlike someone I know.

"What are you looking for?" I ask. 

He responds without even looking up or stopping. "Oh, n-nothing in particular. Whatever catches my eye."

I move around to the other side of the seed wall, looking for anything interesting.

Something catches my eye. 

Its a light pink kind of flower that grows straight up in a weird sort of alternating pattern. Gladiolus, it says. I don't think I've heard of it before.

But that's just what I like. What is something that Basil would like?"

I don't know much about Basil. I've never met him up until the past few weeks, when he switched from being home-schooled to my fifth grade class, pretty much the only good thing that's happened this year. I haven't exactly had much of a chance to ask him about his favorite flower, or anything. I barely had the chance to even learn that he liked gardening. And he was the one who invited to me to go here, after school, so I don't want to mess this up.

Well, he's . . . cheerful. And he's organized, I know that.

Is that it? Am I this incompetent?

Another one catches my eye - this time I've heard of it.

A sunflower. They're pretty big, and yellowish. Pretty tall, too.

Don't they symbolize positivity or something? Would Basil even make that connection? Does anyone actually understand flower symbolism?

"Whatcha looking at?"

I nearly jump out of my skin. It's just Basil, who has already made his way across the wall over to me. I guess I was just lost in thought

"Oh, um, sunflower."

Basil takes the same packet out of the wall and reads it. "Do you like them?"

Yes?

"Yeah." I say, flipping it over a few times in my hands.

He smiles. Again. "Me too. I was k-kind of holding off, but maybe now's the time to do it. D'ya think?"

I wish he would stop asking me questions like that. I mean, I like it, but I just don't know what he's going to say next, yet.

"Yeah."

"Alright, what are we waiting for, then? Come one!"

Kel gasps and smiles when we come in. "Man, it's just how I remember! They really haven't changed a thing!"

"I don't think they've even cleaned in here." I mutter, trying to keep my head down, not looking at the seed wall, or the pearlite mixes, or anything else that will make me feel weird.

"Probably!" In a flash he's over by the seeds, and already messing up the organized order some poor employee had to arrange. Gotta love him for it.

"Hmmm, whad'ya think, Aubrey?" He says thoughtfully. "We should grow some kind of crop, so Hero can cook with them when he comes back each summer! How about eggplant, like your name?"

"Oh shut up." I blush, trying not to think about how weird of a name "Aubergine" is. Yet another curse from my parents. "You don't suppose they have wild Kelsey seeds?"

He looks at me, confused. "That's not even funny."

I sigh. "Yeah you're right."

He pulls out another one. "Oooh, sunflowers. Didn't you and Basil grow those a few summers ago?"

I shiver, even though it's basically a greenhouse in here.

"And." he squints at another seed packet. "Tu-leeps?"

"Okay that was on purpose." I say, clutching the gladiolus a little tighter. I want to get out of here.

"Okay, okay." Kel sighs, noticing my discomfort. "I'll tell you the reason why we're here."

"Oh, we should get this too." Basil grabs the gladiolus seeds behind me. I guess some boys do like pink.

$3.98 later (each packet costs $1.99), we're on out way to Basil's house. 

I'm kind of nervous. This is my first time even seeing my house, and what if he's like, rich or something and doesn't want to associate with me? Or worse, what if he lives next door and I haven't noticed it was him this whole time?

But luckily he turns left, instead of right, on our way back, the the street across the road from my own.

And he does not live in a mansion. That is also good.

But wow is his garden pretty. 

Tendrils of leaves grow up around the house, kind of in an overgrown way, but instead of looking neglected it looks . . . adorable! Potted plants sit on the driveway, other kinds of plants hang from roof over the front stoop, and I can't even see what's in his backyard.

Everything is green too, which I at least know is his favorite color.

An older woman answers the door.

"Hey, Grandma." Basil jumps in and hugs his . . . grandma.

I shift my weight.

I step inside after Basil. The inside of the house is pretty cozy-looking, definitely better than my house. The kitchen smells like something's baking.

"Aubrey, this is my grandma, Grandma, this is my friend Aubrey! She's in my class this year."

I'm kind of startled by the "friend" part of that sentence, but I won't say that it doesn't make me feel a little bit more comfortable.

"It's nice to meet you." I say. Basil's grandma seems alright.

"Would either of you like some cookies?" she asks, heading over the the counter where she's in the middle of making . . . I guess cookies.

So that's what that smell is. Also, heck. yes. I just nod and smile.

Basil and I go out the back door so I can see the garden.

It's  . . . . stunning.

An eleven-year-old did this?

Basil seems to know what I'm thinking. "My mom started the garden, and she tends to it sometimes, but she and my dad are away a lot so I'm usually the person who takes care of it."

I can tell he's really proud of it.

And his parents aren't always around either. We have that in common, I guess.

"You don't have any siblings, either?" I find myself asking.

"No." He laughs. "Maybe that's why I'm so quiet."

"You're not that quiet." I say.

Was that rude? Did that sound rude?"

He smiles. "Maybe not today, at least. You're the first friend I've had around here in a long time. I'm just excited."

"I don't have any siblings either, and I'm pretty quiet, so maybe you have a point." I sigh. "All of my friends have siblings. All of my friends are siblings." 

Basil doesn't cut me off, so I continue. "Sunny and Mari and siblings, and Hero and Kel are brothers. I'm kind of the odd-one-out."

Why am I telling him this? 

Is it because he's genuine? Is it because he never takes things negatively and turns them positive? Is it because he's a good listener? Is it because he actually seems like he wants me around, not as a part of a group, but just him and me?"

Maybe all of those things.

I think I'm really starting to like Basil.

"I don't really have many other friends." Basil confesses, like we've known each other for ages. It feels like a secret- not a bad one, but one that he doesn't just go around telling everyone.

"Yeah. I didn't really have any until the four of them, and Kel and Sunny are in a different class."

"Maybe you could introduce me to them sometime." Basil says. "They sound nice."

"Oh, um, yeah, maybe."

Why am I so uncomfortable all of a sudden?

"Oh?" I say. I'm actually kind of freaked out. We'd only be in the gardening section for one reason, one that I have been trying really hard not to think about.

"I was, thinking," Kel says, glancing away and scratching the back of his neck, "That we could get him a new plant, or something. I don't know anything about gardening, but I know even less about photography. We're still friends, and I think maybe we could try to cheer him up."

No Kel. You are still friends with him. Not me. 

He doesn't want to talk to me at all.

Which is fine.

It's my fault, anyway.

Kel seems to sense my reluctance. "Oh come on, you visited Sunny the other day. If you can do that, you can do this. This is no different."

I've never heard a more ignorant statement in my life.

I don't say anything at all. If I do, I'm going to make a scene in the middle of this store.

Kel sighs. "Okay, well, at least help me pick something out and come with me, or I'll find a way to accidentally kill it on my way to his house. And you know Basil the best out of all of us, and probably the most about gardening too."

I thought I knew Basil the best. But I barely knew him at all.

We're doing it. Great.

I can't think about any kind of flower without thinking about Mari or Basil, which are both currently sensitive topics, to say the least. I've seen them all. I've planted them all. I know them all.

It's too painful

"Roses? No that's too romantic, gross." Kel says to himself. "Fuck, uhhhhhhh, cactus? Are those even plants?"

"Just give him these." I thrust him the gladiolus flowers I have been furiously clutching. "It's fine; I'll get another bouquet."

"Isn't it a little too . . . pink?" Kel says hesitantly.

"Do you seriously think Basil cares about gender norms? I know you can't look at the color pink without seizure but don't go project that onto him."

He blows out a breath. "Fair."

I pick out the same kind. 

I definitely didn't suggest gladioluses because I know Basil likes them or anything.

"Oh, I don't have to, its fine." Basil says, almost immediately. 

"No, it's-" I try to think of something to say that won't make me sound like a jerk. "I don't know."

He seems a little sadder, though.

And then its uncomfortable again.

"I guess we should plant the sunflowers here, in the sun." Basil laughs awkwardly, pointing to an empty patch up against the sunny side of the house. "No, duh. Where should we put the gladiolus?

"Ummmm." I look around for some empty space and pray that I don't say anything mean again. "The row in front of the sunflowers?"

"Sure," Basil shrugs. "I think that yellow and pink go really well together. Plus, gladiolus are so pretty! I mean, all flowers are, but I like the vertical alternating pattern- it's unique."

And we get to planting.

It kind of just awkward. I can tell that he wants to say something, but we the silence just keeps going on and on, broken only by birds and the rustling of leaves. I grab a seed from the packet, evenly space it to the amount the label says, and put a little bit of soil over it. At least, that's what I think I'm supposed to do.

"Cookies are ready!" Basil's grandma calls through the door.

I'm kind of relieved for the break from the awkwardness. I mean, what do you even talk about?

I wash my hands in the bathroom, and come out to some for the best-smelling cookies I've ever came across in my life.

I sit down at the dining room table next to Basil, grab a cookie, and take a bite.

Warm, of course. Mostly chewy, gooey in the middle. White chocolate macadamia- the very best kind.

So yeah, they're also the best-tasting.

I chew thoughtfully, and make sure to swallow before opening my mouth to speak. "What kinds of hobbies do you have, apart from gardening?" I ask.

"Well, I like to draw, and I read a lot. I'd like to do photography or something but I don't have a camera, or anything to photograph." He says nonchalantly, like it's not really impressive at all.

"You could take pictures of the garden!" I say, trying to cheer him up. Basil does seem kind of dejected.

"Yeah, but I can walk outside and see it at any time. I want to take pictures of temporary things- not all scripted and poses, I just want to capture like, a moment in time that'll never happen again." He takes a bite, and chews thoughtfully, looking somewhere over my shoulder. Reminds me of Sunny, a little, even though Sunny doesn't talk quite as much as Basil. Sunny likes to draw and read, too.

He shakes his head, as if clearing it. "So, what kinds of things do you like to do?"

What do I like to do?

I . . . don't know.

I like to hang out with Sunny, and Kel if I feel like having a headache.

But I don't want to tell him that. What if that's like insensitive or something?"

"Ummmm . . . I like to go to Hobbeez sometimes." With Kel. "I like to read comics." With Sunny.

It all feels so childish compared to Basil's interests.

"Me too!"

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah." Basil says enthusiastically. "I read all the Captain Spaceboy comics, and I have a few pet rocks! Do you have one? We should battle them."

He stops himself, and tucks his hair behind his ear. "I mean, if you want."

So, he'd get along with Kel, too.

We talk about the plot of the new volume, and feast on cookies until we can't eat any longer.

It feels nice.

Maybe one of my hobbies could also be 'gardening with Basil'.

"You know," Basil says once we're back out in the garden. "I've always really liked sunflowers. I heard somewhere that they always face towards the sun. That's kind of how I want to be- always positive!"

I swallow. Hard.

I can't keep Sunny and Kel to myself anymore.

"Basil, would you want to meet my friends?"

He seems surprised, but nods. I go on.

"Sunny likes to read and draw a lot, and he's really quiet and shy like you, but Kel likes comics and pet rocks like you do, too. I think that you guys would be really good friends, and I-" I take a deep breath. "I think that we'd be pretty good friends, too."

I finally look up.

His eyes are kind of shiny. 

"You mean it?"

"Of course!"

Then he hugs me. Which, I wasn't expecting, but, I hug him back.

"So, when do you want to meet them?"

Knock. Knock.

I wish I knew the same Basil now.

But he's changed so much.

Maybe it's my fault.

Or maybe he's been like this all along.

The Basil I know wouldn't have done that to Mari.

Right?

Chapter Text

I can't do this.

"Aubrey?"

I can't breathe.

"Aubrey are you okay?"

It hurts.

"Aubrey, answer me!"

Kel is staring at me like I just did something.

I think I did something.

He's staring at me like he did when I-

He grabs my shoulder and shakes me, but I can't stop staring.

He cups my face in my hands

I stare into his eyes.

They're-

It hurts.

I just want it to go away.

I could just push him, I could push him away and run.

I clutch the flowers tighter in my fist.

I need to get away from here.

The door opens.

The door opens.

I can finally move. I whirl around to see-

Basil

The person who hung Mari.

The expression on his face is one I have seen too many times in the past few years. Fear.

"Aubrey, you're freaking me out." 

Why does Basil look scared.

Why does Kel look scared?

What the hell did I do?

Why are they all scared?

Are they scared of me?

No. No.

Basil is the murderer.

He killed her.

He's spent the last four years playing the victim, like he's not the one who did it all.

He'd cry when I yelled at him but he marked out Mari's face.

He almost drowned in the lake but he hung my friend.

He deserves everything I've done to him.

He deserves to get hurt.

It doesn't matter what Mari thinks. Mari doesn't think shit. She's dead and it's his fault.

I can't hear Kel anymore. I can't see him anymore.

Is he gone, or am I?

Did I leave?

Where the hell am I going?

Aubrey tried to escape . . . but couldn’t get away

Something sharp scrapes down my arm.

Is this a memory?

I don't . . . remember.

It hurts . . .

It hurts so bad.

It's all closing in.

I hope Basil hurts like that.

Is this what Mari felt like?

Did it hurt this bad?

I just want to push it all away.

"Basil?"

He jolts, like he didn't even know I was there. 

He's sitting up against a tree at the park, his knees hugged to his chest. His eyes darken when he sees me. I don't think he's had much sleep.

I went to his house yesterday.

Her photos were gone.

He stands up.

I take a step closer. He backs up, into the tree.

There are red marks on his arm

They weren't there before.

I grab his arm, trying to examine them. "Basil, what are these?"

He snatches it back and hides it behind his back. No answer.

"Basil, where are Mari's photos?"

No answer.

He stares at the ground like he can't hear me at all.

"Why won't you answer me?"

"I have to g-go home."

He tries to get around me but I block his way. He shrinks back away from me, eyes wide.

"What's wrong with you?"

I feel the words come out of my mouth. They feel . . . good.

He's clutching something behind his back.

I grab it out of his hands.

"Wait- Aubrey, stop!"

They certainly are her photos.

But she's not in them.

"Give them back! Please-"

Her face is covered with scribbles of black. Permanent. Marker.

Something is building inside of me.

Something that's been stuck since the day of the recital.

" Shut up." I shove him into the tree. " Get away from me."

Something cracks, and he cries out in pain and slumps to the ground, momentarily, before struggling back to his feet.

He tries to run, once again, but I grab his wrist.

I dig my nails into his arm.

"Aubrey, stop! Let me go!" 

"Kel, stop! Let me go!"

He's gripping my wrist. I keep trying to pull away, but his grip only tightens.

"No, Aubrey! We have to do this! We have to do this for Basil." He pulls harder, shifting his weight.

I try to use my other arm to snatch my hand away, but it's no use. "No Kel, I can't do this. Please. Please. You have to help me I can't see Basil or I know what I'll do. I'll do it again-"

"What are you talking about?" His voice is desperate, and I can hear it crack. "We're his friends! We're supposed to be there for him."

"No, Kel!" I shout back. " You're his friend. He hates me, and for a good reason, too."

"It's the same as Sunny!" He pleads. "You did that, right? You can do this!"

" No. I. Can't" I finally rip my hand away. " I can't face him knowing what he did! It was his idea, Kel. The 'kind' Basil we all used to know knew how to stage a suicide! Sunny pushed her by accident, he was the one who RUINED MY LIFE. OUR LIVES."

"You're sounding like Hero right now."

" But aren't you mad? Don't you just want to hurt him so he knows what it felt like, every time he made us believe it was our fault?"

"I am mad!" Kel shouts back at me. "You think that I wanted this? Do you think that I've just forgiven him?"

. . . 

"I am so angry, Aubrey. I don't know what to do. I hate Sunny and Basil so much. " Kel furiously wipes at his face. "But I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't think I'll ever forgive them, even if I wanted to."

He takes a deep, shuddering breath. "Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you’re allowed to hurt people. Sometimes all you can do is just try, try to do the right thing."

Aubrey tried to escape . . . but couldn’t get away

"You told me you wouldn't leave me again. You told me you would try."

He bends down, and picks up the bouquets of gladiolus flowers I dropped. He hands them to me.

"Just- go back and give him these. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. I'll be right there with you."

We walk back to Basil's house. I guess I must have ran pretty far when I freaked out like that.

My right arm is throbbing from where Kel scratched it by accident when he grabbed my arm. I guess that's why I dropped the flowers.

Basil is on the steps of his front stoop, with his head buried in his knees. His shoulders are shaking.

Aubrey tried to escape . . . but couldn’t get away

I walked up to him.

Aubrey tried to escape . . . but couldn’t get away

I handed him one of the bouquets of gladiolus- one of his favorite flowers.

Aubrey tried to escape . . . but couldn’t get away

“Get well soon, okay?”

Aubrey tried to escape . . . but couldn’t get away

His face looked how it always did - tired, sad, and anxious, but it seemed a little bit different after that. A little more hopeful.

I think about what Kel said.

Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you’re allowed to hurt people. Sometimes all you can do is just try, try to do the right thing.

I still want to push it all away. But maybe its time to stop pushing, and hurting. Maybe it’s time to let go of the anger.

I don’t forgive Basil.

But I’ll try to be kind to him, anyway.

Aubrey’s party was victorious.

"Aubrey, stop! Let me go!" 

I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to let go.

Because he’ll leave.

And he won’t come back.

I’ll lose him, just like I lost Mari.

All my friends will leave me, just like I feared they would.

But it's too late.

“Aubrey.”

“Please.”

I know I have to let go of his arm.

I’ve already hurt him enough.

It’s just . . . scary.

I let go.

I watch him run away, and disappear down the street. 

I look down at her photos in my hands.

I don’t know why Basil took them out. I don’t know why he marked them up. I don’t know what he was going to do with them.

But they’re mine, now, I guess. It’s my job to fix them.

I just want to see her again.

I want to remember how she looked before I saw her up on that tree.

I trace one of the photos - just me and her, eating popsicles. I remember I had watermelon, and she had grape. They were just okay, but they tasted so much sweeter when I was with her.

I miss Mari so much.

Aubrey learned Let Go

I still have a bouquet left

I know who it’s for.

“Hey Mari!” I say. Kel and I stand in front of her grave.

‘Our dearest Mari -The sun shined brighter when she was here.’

I guess popsicles melt eventually.

Today it’s just me and Kel. A lot has happened in the past few days. Sunny and Basil got into a fight, and Sunny is still in the hospital, but both of them are doing okay, I think. I think- they needed to have that fight, though. Things have changed.

Hero is back from college. I know he doesn’t visit you, but he still thinks about all the time, I can tell. He really misses you. I guess it's just too painful for him, right now at least.

I think Sunny’s been through a lot. He’s moving away, you probably won’t see him for a while.

Kel and I just visited Basil. I didn’t talk much, but I didn’t get mad at him. Well, I felt mad, but I didn’t act on it.

How do you feel about Basil, Mari? What would you do?

It’s weird knowing now what happened to you. I’m not sure what’s better - wanting to die, or not wanting to die, but dying anyway.

I’m glad to know that you didn’t die because I wasn’t there.

But I’m sad that you never got to live the life you should hav e.

I lay down the bouquet of gladiolus in front of her grave.

Aubrey let go.

Chapter Text

It’s been a few days. I’ve been hanging out with Kim and the rest of the group of course, but I’ve also been hanging out with Kel. We went to Hobbeez and did absolutely nothing, we went to Fix-it again and did absolutely nothing, and we got slushies at the gas station by the railroad, and did (you guessed it) absolutely nothing. We just talk about things, mess around, do a little bit of petty vandalism, y’know, teenager stuff. Well, I’m the one doing the petty vandalism. Kel thinks he’s too good for it.

Today, however, we’re at his house. I’ve been a few times since learning . . . . about what happened, but we never really had any time to do anything. Last time I was here I was too anxious about seeing Sunny to do much other than make polite small talk with Kel’s parents.

And we can’t go in his room either. Their room. Hero’s room.

Kel doesn’t like to talk about it, but I know he worries about Hero all of the time.

Kel tagged Aubrey!

“Catch!” I get hit in the face with a basketball.

“Hey!” I shout, rubbing my nose where it hit me. “That hurt!” It didn’t, really, but you know how it is with Kel.

Aubrey tagged Kel!

I pass Kel the ball, and he attempts a lay-up, but it bounces too high.

“Dunk it” I call out, cupping my hands around my mouth even though he’s barely fifteen feet away. I don’t know shit about basketball.

He stops, backs up into the street, makes a running jump, and-

Misses.

“It should be easy.” I say, with again, zero knowledge of basketball. “You’re like seven feet tall.”

He tries again. Another miss.

Another miss.

Another miss.

He’s getting frustrated. “Fuck, man. I’m too stupid for this.”

He laughs like it doesn’t matter at all, but I can tell he’s at least a little annoyed with himself.

Another miss.

Another miss.

“Kel, this is getting sad-”

Kel tagged Aubrey!

“You try.” He passes it back to me. I catch it this time.

“You do know I’m like, 5’ 6”, and uncoordinated, right?”

“Yeah I know.”

“Best I can do is a free-throw shot.” I miss horribly, kind of on purpose.

“See, you’re better than me.” I shrug. A few raindrops hit my shoulders, but they’re the warm summer kind, and feel good on my skin. I take off my jacket, leaving me just in my tank top.

“If your skill level was the bar it would be a tripping hazard in hell.”

“Jeez, wow, okay.” I say with no emotion whatsoever. “I see how it is.”

He sighs. “I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s funny to me when you try to act all tough.”

“Whatever. Is it raining out here or something?”

“Yeah. I don’t think we should go inside yet, though.”

“You’re right.” He sighs. “It’s kinda nice with the rain, actually.”

“I agree.” 

We play around the world, and he wins by a lot . Again, he’s not great at basketball, but I am definitely worse at it. I still enjoy it, though.

The rain starts to get heavier. 

We sit on the front steps, and a small patch of roof provides a little protection from the rain.

“We should probably go inside.”

“We should.” He looks down, and doesn’t get up to move.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

I know he doesn’t mean it.

The rain is coming down even harder around us. It makes me feel kind of soft, and safe, like I could just start crying, but feel really happy at the same time.

“What’s wrong?”

“I told you nothing’s wrong!” He yells at me, turning to face me.

His eyes look kind of red.

“Look, if this is about the basketball thing, I’m s-”

“No!” He says, quietly again. Maybe it’s just kind of hard to hear over the sound of the rain. “It’s just . . .”

He turns away and looks off into the distance. “I just feel kind of stupid. All of the time. And I don’t want to hear more from my mom about how worthless I am.”

He looks back at me. “I hate my room because it's just comparing me to Hero, like everyone else already does. It’s always about how much smarter, more responsible, more athletic, and nicer Hero is than me, and every time I walk in someone shouts at me about something I’m doing wrong.”

I think there's more than just rain dripping down his face.

I reach out a hand and wipe away his tears, which does nothing because we’re still both getting drenched. 

My chest aches.

I scoot a little closer.

“Everything I enjoy Hero is just effortlessly better at.” Kel sighs, his voice muffled. “When I get upset, it’s my fault. When Hero gets upset, it's still my fault. They would probably tell me that boys don’t cry. They would probably tell me to get over it."

He buries his face in his hands and runs his fingers through his hair.

“Kel-” I say, as gently as I can. “You were the one who was here for me. Not Hero. You’re the one who has helped me learn to be at peace with Basil and Sunny. Not Hero. You’re the one keeping us together. you always have been.”

Kel sniffs. “I keep thinking, that-” He hesitates, and looks at me. “Maybe I didn’t really care about Mari that much. I know that I did, a lot, but what if I moved on too fast? Is it bad that I’m kind of . . . happy now, even without her?”

“Did Hero tell you that?”

“Yeah.”

I’ve thought the same thing. It hurt to feel empty all the time, but turn around and see Kel joining sports and making new friends. I remember back to what I said, what feels like months ago.

But what- But you don’t care about Mari?

You didn’t know her like I did.

“Did . . . I tell you that?”

Nothing but the sound of the rain falling around us, but I know what the answer is.

Yes.

I take his face in my hands. “I know that you care about Mari. You love her just as much as the rest of us do. We’re all just dealing with it in our own way. That’s something that you would tell me, right? All of us - Sunny’s mom, Sunny, Basil, Hero, you, and . . . and me. Just because you didn’t spiral into a depression doesn’t mean that you weren’t hurting.”

More tears flow down his cheeks, and he just stares at me.

I can feel my nose starting to tingle, and my throat starts to ache. “If anything, I’m grieving in the wrong way. I’m the one hurting everyone. I’m the one who bullied you, Sunny, and Basil. I’m the one who pushed him into the lake. You've always done the opposite - you’ve supported all of us. You didn’t give up on me, even after every bad thing I’ve done."

“I’m the one who made you believe that you didn’t love her.”

I feel a tear roll down my cheek. There's been a lot of those lately.

We kind of just sit and cry, in the rain.

Last time the two of us cried together, we were at the lake and I was having a meltdown. He stuck with me, though, through it all. He’s the one who let me let go .

I remember feeling dread, like we would all fall apart.

But today, I feel more hopeful than anything else. Maybe we can find happiness through becoming friends again, and supporting each other.

“Sorry for venting like that.”

“It’s okay.”

. . . 

“I miss Sunny’s house. I miss our tree house.” He says, after a while. “But it's not Sunny’s house anymore.”

“Yeah. Mr. Plantegg is still in there.” I laugh, through the crying.

“Sunny officially moved out. They took all the furniture and everything, but I think the treehouse was left untouched. Our neighbors haven’t moved in yet, either.”

“Yeah. I forgot about that.” It’s kind of weird to think that it's someone else’s house now. New people I’ve never met are going to live there.

“I hope they have kids our age.” Kel says. “And I hope those kids play basketball. Or at least, are better at basketball than you.”

I get up and walk a little further, until I can see the house that Sunny used to live in. The house that Mari used to live in. And died. You can kind of even see the treehouse, through the gaps in the trees.

“Umm.” I swallow and look down at my soaked sneakers. “I think that we should try to get Hero to visit Sunny. Like, tomorrow. Before he moves away forever. I don’t think I would be able to forgive myself if Sunny and Hero never spoke again. Hero doesn’t even have to forgive him, I just want them to . . . talk.”

Kel sighs. “I’ve tried to tell him. I’ve tried to help him. He just won’t listen to me.”

“Maybe you could take a break from helping people, for once. Maybe . . . I could try.”

I go home to change my clothes. And . . . to think. About what to say. Last time with Hero . . . didn’t really go so well.

Kel let me back in, also significantly drier than before. 

I hesitate. I don’t really want to go in. I’m afraid of what I might see.

But I have to.

For Sunny’s sake.

For Basil’s sake.

For Mari’s sake.

For all of us.

I take a deep breath and open the door.

Chapter Text

Aubrey steps in.

I know it’s her without even looking.

Kel’s footsteps are usually pretty loud. I mean, he’s pretty tall now.

Dad’s are loud too, but slower, more steady.

Mom’s are deliberate. Quick. Light. But still intense, like she’s coming to yell at you about forgetting to do your chores. Hasn’t happened to me in a while, for obvious reasons, college for one. But I don’t forget anyways. But for Kel, I’m pretty sure it happened yesterday.

Kel.

There’s another quality in their footsteps now. All I do all day is listen to it.

It’s too quiet.

Like they’re afraid of something.

I miss the old ones.

I’ve been missing a lot of things lately.

I take some breaths and I push that though all the way down, all the way to my toes, and I watch it dissolve. It keeps the pain away a little while longer, in my college dorm trying to sleep, outside watching the sun come out from behind a cloud. In the kitchen, trying to cook . . . anything, really, that won’t remind me of her.

But it never goes away. Just long enough until the next time I’m the only one awake.

It’s nice being in this room. So quiet, and tranquil. A place where I can sleep drifting on the waves of the big empty ocean in my head. A place to let those oceans come spilling out. A place to hold myself and keep myself warm, drenched, and alone.

A place no one will ever see.

I can see why Sunny liked it so much.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to leave.

Sunny.

Deep breath.

I’d better hold it.

I think I’m drowning.

They’re Aubrey’s footsteps, alright.

They’re kind of special, too. Of course, in this house they’re just as loud as Kel, running and fighting and pushing and chasing.

But she can sneak up on you without even trying.

They’re so quiet.

I guess there's some people she doesn’t want to hear her at all.

The light comes on. It’s so bright.

She’s over by my bedside now. I think she said “Hey,” But I can’t hear over the sound of water gushing in my ears.

“Nothing you do will make me want to see Sunny. You’re wasting your time.”

Her face gets kind of floppy, at that. Soggy. The same face Kel has made to me a million times in the past . . . what? How long has it been? It’s a kind of face, full of pity, but doesn’t understand at all.

“You don’t understand, Aubrey. Stop trying to think you know what we had.”

She doesn’t. No one does, not even Sunny, since he was so willing to kill her, and all. Her own brother.

“I’ve had this conversation with you already. And with Kel.”

“My mind is made up.”

“Nothing you say is going to help.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“You’re just like Sunny, shutting yourself away like this.”

I don’t think I said that. I think maybe that was her.

But I’m not like Sunny at all. I thought he loved her, but he killed her. Basil didn’t love her because he killed her.

It can’t have been love that could cause anything like that.

Love is good. And kind. Love wouldn’t push you down the stairs.

Love wouldn’t fall down the stairs.

Love wouldn’t get hanged in the backyard.

But she did anyway.

And I’m not like Sunny. Because I loved her and I never would have done anything like that.

The water clears out of my ears. Everything kind of comes into focus. Nothing is swimming in front of me anymore.

“Maybe they loved you. Maybe that’s why.” She says. Her face is still wobbly. It’s leaking.

I didn’t know I said all of that out loud.

“Maybe they loved me. Maybe they loved Kel. Maybe they loved each other.”

“I don’t understand.”

“They were trying to protect us. From the truth.”

This isn’t protecting. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more.

Exposed.

“But they couldn’t protect themselves. I think they’ve paid the price.”

“No.” I hear myself say.

“Hero? Tell me truthfully: Does it really feel good to be alone?”

I wish it did.

“You’re not the only one who feels like this.” She put her hand in mine, wrapping it around my fingers. They were warm. And it’s so, so cold in here. I don’t want her to let go, and leave me alone, too.

“Do you really want that for Sunny and Basil?”

N-

Seeing the real smile on Basil’s face when he blew out his birthday candles. The reflection of the flame in his eyes, a symbol of hope for the good year to come. The curve of Sunny’s upper lip as he listened to the sounds of a new violin. It wasn’t quite a smile, but it was more than that. It was Sunny’s way of showing he was happy.

Seeing the little furrow in Basil’s forehead whenever he was really interested in something, usually a book. He read a lot of nonfiction, but you know he liked some romance ones, too. The ones without girls. Even if he would never tell anyone. Even you.

Seeing the way Sunny stared off into space. It's not so much of a ‘hundred-yard-stare’ as it is a portal to another dimension. There's no way of knowing what he’s thinking of, other than the twitches on his face. You knew when it was okay to wake him up, and when it wasn’t.

Seeing the way Basil talks about things he cares about, stuffing all sorts of words into a sentence, then stuttering, and back-tracking, and apologizing, before going right back on like nothing happened. It always made you laugh, but you kept on listening.

Seeing the way Sunny listened, his eyes round, yet mysterious, as he heard Basil’s tales, when you knew he was really paying attention, not in dreamland, because he cared about what Basil had to say.

Seeing Basil’s joy at making his first flower crown, when he kept it all the way until it withered away. Seeing his tears when it did. You always helped him dry them, and make another one, even if you really weren’t the best at flower crowns.

Seeing Sunny bury his face in Mari’s shirt, like he was really safe there. He could stay in dreamland forever there if he wanted, and he knew that she would never leave or fail to protect him. You knew how strong their affection for each was, the way they adored each other. You wished you and Kel could be that way, sometimes.

The flash of a camera. The clicking sound of a memory recorded forever, to be kept, and cherished, until long after it’s been forgotten.

-o.

This isn’t something I can push all the way down. This isn’t something I can put off and ignore, waiting to address it on a day that will never come.

“I just want everyone to be happy again.”

I know it’s true.

I guess I can’t hide the fact that I love Sunny and Basil, too.

And my head breaks the surface.

And I can breathe again.

“I think Sunny and Basil have been through enough. I think that we all have, you, Kel, myself included. Why can’t we just let ourselves be happy again? I know that we’re capable of loving again. I know that you’re capable of loving again, Hero. Maybe instead of trying to feel alone, sad . . .” Aubrey hesitates. “And angry . . . maybe we could let ourselves just feel. Whether it is sad or happy, or both, but why don’t we let ourselves just . . . feel it. Why don’t we let ourselves love who we love?”

“Why does this keep happening to us?” I ask. Aubrey doesn’t have an answer. She just looks at me, and looks down, and looks at me again, and she squeezes my hand tighter in hers.

I told myself nothing she could say would make me want to see Sunny.

I told myself to tell her to leave me alone.

I told myself I was going to be angry at Sunny and Basil.

I should be suffering more But Aubrey’s right.

I’m done with suffering.

I’m done with letting Aubrey suffer. I’m done with letting Kel - oh god, Kel, suffer. I’m done letting Sunny and Basil suffer.

I think we’ve all been lying to ourselves.

I think we’re all done.

She takes my hand again, and pulls me up, and towards the door. The knob clicks as it turns.

And light fills the room.

It’s my turn to step out and tell the truth.

I think she’s there. Mari, I mean. I think she would want me to love again. Whether it's to love my brother, Kel, or to love my friends, or maybe even to love another girl in a few years.

She’s here to tell me love is at the center of it all. And it always has been.

I think she’s here to tell me it's all going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Today is Sunday. The second Sunday since- everything.

The Sunday when Kel got me banned from my church.

It's hard to believe that everything that’s been going on started only two weeks ago.

Except I’m not really banned. I don’t think they really can ban you, I’m not really sure about the laws on that. It probably has something to do with rights of religion and shit.

I just left and didn’t come back.

Not the Sunday after. And not today.

Because they may not legally be able to stop you from coming, but moms make their own rules.

I am a real Christian, you know. I may not act like it but I’m a casual believer in God.

And spirits, and stuff. Communion of saints or whatever they’re called.

I think Mari was a Christian, or something. She was buried at a church. This church. Her funeral was held here, too.

I hope that spirits are real. I hope Mari might be watching over me.

I hope she’s not disappointed in me like everyone else is.

I don’t know why I told Kel I was banned. I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad I just- I don’t know. Maybe I’d never have to go back.

Yesterday was the whole thing with Hero. I hadn’t really planned it; I just stepped in. I hope I did the right thing.

I think I needed to hear those words just as much as he did.

Kel’s going to talk to Hero today about what he told me. I think it's been a long time coming. As much as Hero tries to understand Kel, I don’t think he gets how hard things can be for the rest of us. It all came naturally to him: he has charisma, he had good grades in school, he was good-looking. He had everything. I’m glad he and Kel are finally getting some quality time together, if even just to talk.

That’s why I’m here. At my mom’s house. Trying not to think about church, or how I wish my mom could take me there, and everyone would quit talking about it all of the time.

I know she doesn’t want to be seen with me anymore. I’m used to it.

I don’t need to talk to her at all.

“[___]'s been by [___] self for four years now.”

“Does [___] look fine to you?”

“Do you know what happened?

Do you even care?

“Then why won't you say [___] name? Why won't you acknowledge [___], or talk to [___]?"

“Do you want to make [___] feel guilty?”

“And who's fault is that? You're supposed to talk to [___]! you're supposed to take care of [___].”

“You're not supposed to let [__] slip into a depression like this! Especially after what happened with [___]!”

“Do you even feed [___], or talk to [___]? What's [___] been eating all of this time? What has [__] been doing these past four years?”

“You have? You have been going through a lot? [_____]’s just a kid- [___] needed you, and you failed [___]."

"As much as you don't want to believe it, [___] isn't okay. You can't expect [___] to not feel guilty for [____ ____] when you treat [___] like [__]'s not even a person!”

I’m trying to remember where I’ve heard those words before. I don’t know why they keep coming back. I don’t know why I want to shout them.

I’m laying face down on my bed. Being in here is getting to be unbearable, since all I hear is the tap tap tap of that stupid fucking bucket  with all the rain that we've been getting lately.

Bun-bun doesn't like it either. Or maybe she doesn't like how I don't have the money to buy her food anymore. I'll have to resort to bringing back salad from the cafeteria or something when school starts back up.

The idea of another year here makes me wanna throw up.

I finally get up and climb down the ladder to my room. Its pretty narrow and hurts my feet, but it's nice sometimes to get away from the rest of the house. Mom's not just a schizophrenic, she's also well-versed in the art of hoarding. At least she hasn't touched my room yet. 

There's kind of just random shit everywhere. There's beer bottles from my mom's bad nights and opened chip bags from the good. Cardboard boxes, even though we've lived here for years. She used to make the argument that we might move again. I thought maybe we would after stuff with dad, and . . . Mari, but I don't think she'll ever bother to organize this hell-hole.

Paper towels, napkins, trash bags full of feminine products (why are they even called that), trinkets, old records, DVD cases, stuffed animals, socks.

She only notices me to tell me to stop trying to throw them away, and I've listened, because I don't have the heart to take anything else from her.

Even though she's taken everything from me.

But, things aren't that bad, I guess. She goes to work sometimes, at a diner she'd never let me go to. She remembers to pay the bills when she gets her medications. I have a desk, and a bed, and a pet. Clothes. I live under a roof. It's all in my head.

Fuck it. This shit is going, and that's final. I've done plenty of crazy shit in the past few days, might as well add another to the list.

She's at work right now, anyways. Night shift. She takes the bus, since we don't have a car.

I prop open the front door, and get to work.

I start with the kitchen. The pantry has some alcohol, but really not too much. We haven't been doing so well in the financial department lately if I haven't made it clear. The majority of the bottles are accumulated on the floor.

I empty the vodka I do find in the sink, and every glass bottle I can find goes in the recycling bin out back. The boxes all go in the front room. I fold them down and stack them on the floor. All the shit goes in trash bags, and the trash bags in the garbage bin.

I've been so afraid to do this for a long time, but once I've started, I can't stop. I fucking skipping to the driveway, door propped open, humming, gripping bursting garbage bags in each hand. It's actually hilarious.

I feel kind of good. Powerful. Unstoppable.

Until she gets home.

I see her on the sidewalk, wearing her diner uniform, which has a bit too low of a neckline and a bit too short of a skirt. Her nametag is a little crooked. She looks kind of nice, though. Her hair is tied up in a bun, and she's upright.

She just stops, gripping her purse. She looks at me, but doesn't really.

I drop the garbage bags. They fall to the ground, and one breaks open, spewing trash all over the driveway. She looks at it, without much of an expression.

It's safe to say I no longer feel unstoppable.

But I do feel mad.

And I think she does, too.

"What the hell are you doing." She says. I do mean says. She's not shouting yet.

"I . . . " I look at everything. The open door. The clean hallway, and living room. All those folded boxes. The trash bags I dropped. "I don't know, I-"

"I told you not to touch my things."

It's too quiet. Birds are chirping, its humid and a little chilly, as per the usual summer morning. Clouds mostly cover the sky, because of the rain, but sun pokes through in a few points. The trees are swaying in a calm wind.

"I  . . . " My mouth is all dry, and I fill it with spit a few times. It doesn't help.

"Put my shit back." She steps past me as if to go inside.

I surprise myself by grabbing then collar of her dress. It could have ended. Why didn't I let it end?

"Why are you talking to me?" I try think of an answer before I realize I said it.

"You keep messing with my things." There's venom in her voice now. Actual emotion, for once.

"So now you care? Now you care what I'm doing?" I grip tighter to the neck of her shirt, even as she tries to pull away.

She whirls around and stares at me. Stares. 

"Stop trying to leave me."

"What do I have to do to get you to look at me!"

She grabs my wrist and digs her nails in. 

"You're my mom. I'm your daughter."

"Why don't you take care of me?"

"Just look at me, mom, please. Look at me."

She doesn't. She looks away. At the ground.

" You're the worst. I hope you suffocate in your sleep, you fucking piece of shit. I hate you."

I mean what I say. I mean it more than anything.

She breaks away from my grasp.

Suddenly we're both in the house. The door is still open. I've been screaming something.

I can't see anything. It's all sound and its rushing into my eyes and filling them with all sorts of colors and shapes until I'm not sure if my eyes are open.

There's the sound of a metal scrape.

She holding something shiny to her neck. That's all I can make out.

"Oh god. No, stop it please."

She makes a jerking motion with her hands. 

The floor disappears out from under me, and I'm so nauseous and my head in spinning. I shut my eyes and cover them until I see stars. I don't want to see it. I can't.

"No, mom I'm sorry. Please I love you so much, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it mom please stop, you're scaring me, stop it. I won't do it ever again, I'll do anything you want. Oh god, please please just stop. stop I didn't mean it I love you I love you I love you."

I'm on my knees. I grip her dress and cling onto her for my life, pressing my face into the fabric. I'm just begging her to do anything else. 

"Mom, please, there's so much to live for, like me . . and your friends at work, things will get better I swear, I'll be better for you. I'll be anything you want."

"Get out."

"What? No- I-"

"Get out."

"No you can't- please I'll do anything for you you can't just take it all away."

She pulls me up off the ground, hooking her arms under my armpits. I'm scratching at her arms, but she's suddenly too strong. I bite her hand, but she only grips harder.

My legs drag along the bare floor as the door slams behind me. The concrete bites.

I stand up shakily and knock on the door. I expect the door to come open again. She was just joking. We fight like this all the time, and she always forgives me and everything goes back to normal again. She tells me all the time the things she'll do to herself sometimes for hours while I sit on the floor, but she never does them. She doesn't mean it. Everything will be okay. She always opens the door again.

I throw up in the bushes, but it doesn't help the fact that my hands are shaking and there's nothing I can do to stop them.

I'm not sure what's going to happen now. It's always been the same. The door opens, she tells me she's sorry and gives me a hug goodnight, and we don't speak again for a long time. And I keep living.

I slide down the back of the door and bury my face in my knees.

I don't have if she's dead or alive right now. Or dying.

I don't know where I'm going to live.

I don't even know where I'm walking.

I start with the driveway. The trash bags are still on the ground, stuff spilling out of them. I kick one, and something falls out.

It's a frame. The glass is cracked, but that's not what matters to me.

She's smiling. I'm smiling. She's holding me in her arms. Our cheeks are pressed together, and the wind whips the hair in her face. Her eyes are wild, and soft, and everything in-between. We're on a beach, I think. She's smiling. I'm smiling.

I want to rip it to pieces.

I tuck the picture in my pocket instead, leaving the broken frame.

I know where those words I was thinking about are from.

Kel.

Chapter Text

It is Sunday.

I said that already, didn’t I?

I don’t know what time it is, other than early morning.

But by the fact that I can see all the churchgoers exiting the church and chatting amongst themselves, I’d guess it’s about 11:00.

I guess that’s where I’m going.

I just have to keep walking. I don’t know what will happen if I stop for a minute, to breathe, to cry, to think. I can’t do any of those things right now.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

But I know that I have to see her.

They all give me dirty looks as I enter the church, especially the one lady from the playground last week. I try my best to keep looking forward.

It’s nice out, for a summer day. It’s still too early to be super hot, and the air is humid, but without the drowning feeling. It’s cool on my skin. The grass is warm under my legs, and kind of prickly. The flowers on her grave flutter in the slight breeze. There’s the gladiolus from a few days ago, a little wilted now. The rain probably didn’t do it any good.

I want to say it’s a nice day but you and I both know that’s not true.

Normally when I go to see Mari, I tell her about everything that’s been going on. Kim, the funny stories of Mikhael, the time we all ate a spoonful of wasabi at the same time, my C- on the math test, y’know. But I don’t talk to her about my mom.

She’s dead, and I still can’t be honest with her. I can tell her anything except for the thing I want to tell her the most.

But I don’t know how to phrase it. I talk to myself in my head all of the time, and I can put anything into words. But I can’t even say it to myself. There isn’t a way to describe what’s happening inside of me right now.

I try to start.

Today was . . . bad. I- my mom . . . she . . . 

I can’t say I was kicked out. I won’t say kicked out.

There was a knife, and she . . . 

I can’t say that she threatened to kill herself.

I won’t believe it.

The other day I talked to your mom. She misses you a lot, just like Hero, but she’s trying. She’s really trying.

There isn’t any answer. Obviously. I wish she would just talk back sometimes and tell me what I should do, or how to feel about everything. She always knew everything. She was so sure of herself.

“Mari?” Kel asks, scooching up next to her from where she sat on the bench at the park. Hero, Sunny, and Basil were shopping for the ingredients to some recipes they wanted to try this summer. Kel and I were never the cooking kind, and someone had to stay behind and watch us, because we aren’t “responsible enough to not get into trouble if we leave you two alone for thirty seconds.” Whatever that means.

All day Kel’s been kind of weird. School isn’t quite out yet, and we’re in separate classes for the most part, but even when I would see him in the hallways he looked kind of pale. 

“What is it?” Mari looks up from her book.

“Well . . .” He curls his knees to his chest, then notices me staring at him. “Hey! Go away already.”

“Kel, there’s no need to be mean to Aubrey. She hasn’t done anything.”

“ . . . yet.” Kel grumbles.

“What the heck, what did I do?” I shout back.

“Okay fine, but you’d better not tell anyone.” He wraps his arms around his calves, and says it so quietly I can barely hear.

Kel pushes himself a little closer to Mari, and makes a face that I’ve only seen a  few times on him. His cheeks are all red and his lips are all turned up in a weird way, and his eyebrows are furrowed. 

“What’s wrong? You can tell me anything!” Mari says encouragingly, putting her arm around him.

He swallows. “Today, I was at school, and Sunny and I were walking down to class, and . . . we were holding hands, but not like, in a weird way or anything, just as friends . . . but when I got to social studies, Jacob and Andrew were kind of weird about it- they wouldn’t look at me and when I tried to talk to them they would ignore me. They were just being super weird and kind of mean, and they called me . . a, they called me a-”

He stops, his face even redder than before. He looks like he doesn’t even want to finish his sentence. Normally I would make fun of him, but last time he was like this it didn’t go so well. 

Mari waits patiently for him to go on.

Kel’s lip quivers, and his next words are even quieter than before. “. . . queer.”

“What’s that?” I ask loudly.

“I don’t know!” Kel retorts, instantly defending himself. “I tried to ask and they just told me they saw me holding hands with Sunny earlier . . . like, what does that have to do with anything? What did I do?”

“Kel.” Mari looked at him, kind of intensely. “You haven’t done anything wrong. They’re being mean to you for something that is out of your control, because they are bigots. I expect you to stand up for yourself and feel no shame.”

“But why? Why is holding hands with Sunny so bad? I don’t understand.” Kel looks like he’s about to cry.

“It’s not. I don’t want you to ever believe that it is bad.”

“But, I-” Kel wipes furiously at his eyes.

“Do you like to hold hands with Sunny? Does it feel bad, or wrong?”

He looks a little taken aback. “I mean, I guess not, not in the moment it didn’t. It just felt so natural, and . . . I guess I liked it and I like to do it because it makes me happy?”

“Then why are you going to let people make fun of what you like? If someone made fun of Aubrey for liking Mr. Plantegg, would that be okay?”

“Of course not! It’s not up to them to decide what she likes!” Kel’s anger at that statement makes me smile a little. I like it when Kel defends me. He’s the only one allowed to make fun of me, and I’m the only one allowed to make fun of him. No one else.

“Then why should it be different for you?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just thought Jacob and Andrew were . . . my friends.”

Mari pulls him into a hug. “I’m sorry about that Kel. I guess people like that don't deserve such an awesome friend like you.”

Mari beckons me over from where I’ve been sitting, watching their conversation. I join the hug. I feels warm, and right.

But why can’t I shake the weird feeling in my stomach at the thought of Sunny and Kel holding hands?

Crap.

I might have to talk to Mari about that.

She always knew what to say. She always knew how to comfort all of her friends on their bad days. Even when I would come to the picnics crying and when I refused to tell her why, she never gave up on trying to help me.

Things are bad with my mom, Mari. I don’t know what to do.

What would she tell me to do if she were here?

She would probably tell me to calm down first, before I do anything.

I am trying to be calm, I really am.

I close my eyes and breathe in and out through my mouth, because my nose is a little out of commission from all the crying. I try to focus on the sound of the trees, and the feeling of the grass under my skin, which is kind of itchy, I'm not gonna lie.

It only kind of works. 

But it’s a start.

See you later, Mari, I love you lots.

I get up to leave and nearly walk straight through the pastor.

“Hello, Aubrey.” He says, not quite cheerfully, not quite solemnly. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you here.”

“Oh, um, yeah it has been.” I say quickly. Here it comes. Another question about my deadbeat mother. 

His gaze softens. “I can tell you’re going through a lot.”

I open my mouth, and shut it, and open it again, and shut it once more. What am I supposed to say?

“You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, if you don’t want to. Just know that you are seen, and loved, and you will always have a place at this church. I pray for you, just as I pray for every member of this congregation. Go in peace, and serve the Lord.”

And just like that, he’s moved on, watching over all the spirits that rest in this graveyard.

The church is still when I walk back through it. I suppose it's been long enough for everyone and their moms to have finally stopped gossiping. The only person left is the organist, filling up the hall with echoing, eerie tunes. There’s a  bunch of flyers sitting next to the coffee station, talking about the men’s study group, and a position in youth ministry, and some other stuff. One thing in particular catches my eye - a struggling parent support group. I take a copy, fold it, and shove it in my pocket, right next to the photo of us.

I stop back at my house. Some of my stuff is on the front porch, notably Bun-Bun’s cage. Not my teal contacts, though. But I don’t wear those anymore, anyway. I leave the flyer behind.

I ring the doorbell, and my favorite red-haired lesbian opens the door.

“Hi, Kim.” I try my best to smile, even in these circumstances.

“Sorry about Bun-Bun.” I say, once we’re up in her room and my stuff is all set up. “I don’t want him to get hungry.”

“So.” She says, biting her lip. She’s laying back on her bed. “How long are you going to stay?”

I could tell her. I could tell her the truth.

“Just a few days.”

I know she knows it's not quite the truth.

But I can’t stand to have her pity me any more than she already does. I can’t let her know this is my living situation for the fore-seeable future.

It’s not my first rodeo, but every time it's because I chose to leave. I would hate my mom’s house so much I would stay at Kim’s for a few days, and it would be amazing in every way, spending all our time together, girlfriend and girlfriend. No shitty moms getting in the way.

But I could never stay for too long. Eventually I would realize it would never be this way, because Kim has a whole family, and a whole life, and a whole space, that I can’t take away from her.

I lay next to her on her bed. It’s soft, and warm, and smells like the Axe body spray she uses to break gender norms. We stare up at her popcorn ceiling for a long time, until I reach for her hand. She holds mine tightly in hers.

We both turn to face each other, still laying down. Her red hair is flopping all over her face, and her glasses are smushed in a super cute way.

And I kiss her, and the world feels right again, just for a moment. I put my hands on her cheek and tuck her hair behind her ear.

I would stay like this, forever if I could.

But forever will never be long enough to make me forget.

Chapter Text

Hero’s been pretty quiet.

But he has left his room, which is progress! It’s good, and totally not scary at all!

I have no idea what Aubrey and Hero talked about in there. All I did was sit outside the door and let the smarter people do the work for me. Like always.

What’s the difference between me and her? Why did Hero only want to listen to her? What did she say that I didn’t? I tried everything to help him out - I fought with him, I tried to comfort him, I gave him his space. What am I missing? 

Why won't you ever listen to me?

Am I . . . too stupid? Too incompetent for someone like Hero.

Aubrey told me I was just as good, that I was just processing it in my own way.

Aubrey.

I like that Aubrey and I have been hanging out more lately. I’ve missed her a lot, but she’s changed so much, and I’ve changed so little.

I thought getting older would make me smarter, more mature. But all I feel is taller. Mostly just the same.

I still can’t tell if she really means all the things she says. When she makes fun of me and calls me stupid, is it really just a joke? When she tells me that I’m worth something does she only do it to make me feel better? 

Sometimes I’m not sure if we’re even friends. We get along really well one day, then the next she’s avoiding me again. Then she apologizes, and I forgive her because I would suck if I didn’t, and then she gets all weird again.

I won’t lie and say I don’t feel angry at her for it.

But if I yelled at her, or got mad at her, she would like me even less.

Well, today’s not about Aubrey. Today is about me and Hero.

It was his idea to go to Gino’s today.

The walk there is pretty quiet. He looks really tired still, and a little disoriented from all the light and sound he was deprived from for two weeks. He keeps looking at me, and then looking away. I’m not sure what that’s about.

“I guess you’re still taller than me.” I joke, even though it's not as much of a joke as it is a statement. He’s still got a few inches on me, after all of this time apart. I don’t actually mind, though.

“Yeah.” He chuckles, scratching the back of his head. He glances at me quickly and looks down again.

Is there something on my face?

We’re nearly there. And the most he’s said is one word. What’s wrong with me that I can’t even come up with one good thing to say?

Sunny’s . . . Sunny’s pretty quiet, but the words just kind of flow around him. I want to tell him about school, and sports, and just- everything that’s been happening. And he listens, and then he looks at me with those wide eyes and I just can’t stop. Sunny and Basil have always been good listeners.

It was nice having someone listen.

Hero kind of listens. Well, I say things, and he responds, but I don’t think he really understands what I mean. It’s always been that way. Maybe the problem is me. I’ve never been so good at explaining what I feel.

Whatever. I try to push this out of my mind. I have enough to deal with as it is. I don’t think I can handle thinking about Sunny and Basil right now. Especially Sunny.

“Table for two, please.” Hero states, kind of like how people do on court TV shows. Not that they’re ordering food . . . just that he’s all serious and enunciated. Is the word enunciates, or is that something else? Whatever, you know what I mean.

I pick up one of the menus and stare at it, even though I already know what we’re getting. It has a bit of ketchup on it . . . gross.

Hero says something, but I don’t hear it at first.

He finally says something for once and I miss it. Because of course I do.

“¿Que?”

He looks a little annoyed, I think, when I finally look up from the menu. “I was going to ask how school was going.”

“You’re turning into a real adult, aren’t you Hero? Asking the youngin’s about them studies.” I say dryly. I don’t know why I started talking weird at the end. I guess I don’t think before I speak.

Hero chuckles a little, but I can’t tell if it's genuine or not. “So? I asked you a question.”

I take the plastic straw and stir it around in my ice water. It’s already starting to leave a ring on the wooden table. Mamá would kill me.

“It’s summer, isn't it? Why should I have to think about school right now?”

“Kelsey, you’re avoiding the question-”

“It’s fine . ”

I can’t meet his gaze.  A little bit of water sloshes over the side of the glass.

“Mamá told me your grades this year haven’t been so good.”

“NONONUSNJKZTZTZThey’re FINE, okay?” I try to cut him off early, before the “haven’t been so good” part, but he keeps talking.

Hero kind of makes a ‘tsk’ sound with his teeth. “Listen, I’ve been trying to help you-”

“Of course she would tell you everything that I’m doing wrong. I don’t care what you say, you can’t stop me from playing basketball.”

“Well maybe you need to focus more on your studies!” His voice is stern, and it's rising fast.

“What, so I can end up like you? Alone, stressed, stuck in a dorm room?” I put the damn straw down and stare at him.

I don’t mean to say it. I don’t mean to say a lot of things.

He’s quiet, for a second, until he sighs. It's long, and drawn-out, and he rubs his eyes, massaging his forehead. He does that a lot when I’m around. He rubs his hands down his face, his elbows resting on the table, until he puts his hands together on the table again. “Fine. How’s Spanish class, at least?”

“Useless, as usual.” I mutter, drawing a picture with the water droplets on the table.

“Kelsey-”

“No one even speaks Spanish here! I can’t walk up to Gino and ask for a ‘mesa para dos personas.’ I’m not going to order a ‘hamburguesa de pescado, sin tomate’, or a ‘vaso de agua.’ It doesn’t matter. Plus I get enough schooling from Mom.”

“It’s Mamá, not ‘Mom’. She just wants you to learn it, and understand where she’s coming from. She’s not going to exchange our heritage for woodworking.”

“Woodworking would have been cool!” I slam my fist on the table, destroying my weird water drawing.

There’s another moment of silence. 

Then we both start laughing. Actually laughing! Hero is finally laughing!

Hero doesn’t laugh that often. Yeah, when we were younger he would giggle a little bit, and nowadays he has a somewhat genuine chuckle, but he doesn’t like, laugh laugh. Like, can’t breath pound the table kind of laugh.

I missed the sound.

And the whole argument just feels far away. It doesn’t matter as much anymore.

We’re both still wheezing when the waitress comes over. She’s wearing a yellow apron, and a red hat that doesn’t have a top, that I forget the name of. She pushes her red glasses up her nose and sniffs. Her nails are painted black with skull decals on them. Most importantly, she looks like she does not want to be here at all.

“Kim? You work here?” I sputter.

“Unfortunately. I only come in when I feel like it, but Gino doesn’t fire me because we’re short staffed as it is. What do you two losers want?”

“Fanta, anddddd-” I look at Hero, and he nods. “A Hero sandwich, por favor .” I glare at him, but I’m holding back a smile.

“Whatever, weirdo.” She scribbles something on her notepad and leaves.

We both start laughing again after she’s gone.

I wipe the tears from my eyes with the side of my finger. “Whatever. I only have bad grades right now because I skipped a few times.”

I shouldn’t have said that.

“YOU SKIPPED??” Hero shrieks.

“Yes Hero, I skip class sometimes. You act like it's a federal crime.”

“What are you even doing when you’re not in class? Heroin?” He asks it like it's a joke, but he looks more worried than I’m comfortable with.

“No . . . just playing basketball at the park with some of the other guys- and I’ll skip more if you make me quit basketball!” I add hastily.

He leans back in his chair and closes his eyes, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth.

“I’ll . . .” I swallow. “I’ll do better.”

He nods without opening his eyes. “Please do.”

Kim brings Hero another water, and me the Fanta.

“What’s your obsession with terrible orange-flavored drinks? Fanta tastes like liquified nerds.”

“Nerds are delicious! And so is Fanta!” I pause to take a sip. “And orange is awesome! The fruit, the flavor, the color, it’s all good! Why are you and Aubrey so mean to me? What did I do, anyways? Can’t we just let me enjoy something?”

He raises an eyebrow. “She’s really that mean to you?”

“No- I-I mean-” Fuck. I stuttered. Now he knows something’s up. “She just makes fun of me, you know how it is with us.”

He doesn’t seem convinced. “Well, whatever floats your boat. I’ll drink my very healthy and very refreshing water now.” He takes a sip, then makes a face. 

“It’s tap?” I ask.

He nods, looking exasperated.

“Damn. That sucks.” I say, feeling absolutely no remorse. That’s what you get when you make fun of the best drink on earth.

“Language.” He says, but I can tell he doesn’t care that much. 

I roll my eyes. “Whatever. At least we can both agree that grape sucks.”

“True.”

Kim comes back with the Hero sandwich. 

“Wow, you’re really not that busy today, huh?” I ask, just making conversation. 

“It’s Monday. Most people are at work. Like me.” She says, dryly. Something about her seems off today. She’s still the sarcastic bully in her words, but her voice sounds a little strained. The space around her eyes looks tenser than usual.

She lingers around our table for a heartbeat.

“Everything okay?” I know Kim doesn’t like me very much but I can’t help but ask. I know that she’s important to Aubrey, being friends and all. I saw the picture she had on her nightstand.

She’s picking at her nail polish and looking down at the floor. “It’s just that- did Aubrey seem weird the past few days? Did something happen between you two, or-”

“Is she okay?” I find myself asking. “She seemed fine-”

“No, it's- nevermind.” Kim shakes her head, as if to clear it. “Don’t worry about it.”

I look at Hero, he stares back at me blankly, just as confused as I am.

“Enjoy your food, dorks.” Kim says, her normal sass returning.

We eat our food in pretty much silence. The both of us were taught not to talk with food in our mouth.

Hero devours most of the sandwich. Normally, I’m the hungry one. I guess he wasn’t eating so well being stuck in his room like that. Our room, I mean.

I’m glad he’s eating. That’s all.

Is Aubrey going to avoid me again? I thought things were better. We’re hanging out again and she promised not to ditch me again, but did I go too far asking her to talk to Hero? Is she mad at me?

I try to push the thoughts away and lock them up for another time. Today is about me and Hero. Not Aubrey.

“That was soooooo good.” Hero leans back in his chair, looking a little less on edge.

“You were hungry.” I remind him. “There’s still the other Hero sandwich in the fridge at home that you didn’t eat.”

“Oh.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. You were processing.” I try to say it comfortingly, but it just comes out as cold and accusing.

I change the subject. “You’re paying, right? I didn’t bring any money.”

He groans.

It’s a little warmer out when we leave the restaurant. It’s a hot day out, typical of summer. 

We start to walk back, chatting about the weather, and school starting up (much to my dismay) until we make it to our house.

“Wait here.”

“Wait why-” My words are broken by the loud clanging of the garage door, that probably needs to be fixed. Hero ducks under and vanishes inside.

I throw up my arms. “Yeah, why would you need to tell me anything? I see how it is.”

He reappears, just as I say that, holding a bunch of those popsicles that are in the long plastic sleeves (you know the kind) and a blanket. He starts walking back up the street.

“Where are you going?”

He looks at me.

“Oh.”

I fall in next to him, matching him stride for stride. We really are brothers, despite my shortcomings.

“Remember when I used to have a straight up addiction to those?” I reminisced.

He smiles, a little. “And mamá and papá had to count them every night so they would know if you took any-”

“Excuse you, they deprived me of those popsicles. They were so good.”

“And pretty cheap, too, although they would never tell you that.”

“Yeah!” I say indignantly. “They made it seem like some big privilege for something that costs fifty cents, tops. So unfair.”

“The orange ones were your favorite, weren’t they.”

“Yeah . . .” I admit. 

“I still don’t get it.”

“And mamá and papá would let you have as many as you wanted, and I remember I got so mad I actually bit you.”

He laughs. “And they didn’t let you have ANY after that.”

“Yeah, but at least Mari gave me hers.”

It gets quiet again.

“They still buy them, even though I haven’t really been hanging out with the gang lately. Sometimes I bring them to the guys when we play basketball, and every so often I still sneak a few.”

Hero tries to muster a smile. “It’s a surprise you’re so athletic with the sheer amount of caffeine and sugar you consume.”

“It’s like my sole energy source at this point.” I admit.

Hero stops, and it takes me a second before I realize.

“You okay?” I ask.

He nods, staring at the ground. He doesn’t budge.

His breathing is ragged, and his chest is shuddering.

We stand there for a moment, the wind whipping around us.

“Dude.” I take his hand, and squeeze it. “You got this.”

He looks at me, scared. It’s one of those times where I feel like the big brother. 

But as I return his gaze, his jaw sets, and he looks ahead.

We step into the graveyard together.

Chapter Text

i was bored so i made art of chapter 22

Chapter Text

“We’ve been here before, and it still feels hard for me.” Hero says.

I can’t help but agree. I’ve been to Mari’s grave a bunch of times, but lately I’ve been falling out of habit. I only remember she used to exist every couple of months now.

Except for two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I went to see her with Sunny a few days in a row. Sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes Aubrey, and once . . . Hero was there.

It was his first time.

Today is his second.

My first and second times were pretty rough, too.

Aubrey goes all the time.

I feel another twinge of something in my stomach. The same one that’s been ebbing and flowing lately.

Especially with Sunny.

It’s not like the butterflies I used to get around him, either. It’s not the ache in my chest when I see those bandages over his eyes. It’s not the emptiness I feel when I think of how Hero will react when I tell him. When I tell him how I’ve been feeling lately. About Sunny.

This is completely different.

It was his first time, too.

I don’t ever want to see the look on his face when he stood at her grave for that first time.

But he came back. The second, and the third.

“It’s hard for me, too. It’s hard for all of us. Especially Sunny.”

I don’t know why I said that. Now I’ve really done it.

Hero’s face is cold.

But not as cold as the face he made when Sunny told the truth. 

“What.”

It’s all I can say.

It’s all I can do. It’s all I can think.

I’m frozen, for what feels like an eternity.

All I want is for it to be a lie.

Tell me you didn’t do it.

I don’t even realize I'm saying it out loud.

I’m hugging him. My arms are wrapped around his scratchy hospital gown, and I’m squeezing as tight as I can. His dark-haired head is buried in my neck. I can feel his skin on mine. I can feel the bandages boring into me like needles.

He doesn’t hug me back.

I just want to see his face. Then I’ll know it was all a joke.

His cheeks are warm, soft, and kind of wet. He’s been crying.

His long eyelashes are damp. His blink is long, and slow, but it speaks volumes.

It’s the truth.

It really is the truth.

And my eyelashes are wet. And my cheeks are wet- because I’m crying too.

I want to love him. I want to tell him I love him.

But I don’t think I do, or can.

And what would Hero think?

And Sunny opens his mouth. And he speaks - dry, and slurred, unfamiliar to the feeling.

“No.”

It really is the truth.

I wanted to hear him speak so bad. I wanted to show him that he can, with me. He’s safe, with me. He can tell me anything he wants.

I wish now that he’d kept his mouth shut.

I run my hand up his neck and the side of his face, and into his black hair, tucking it behind his ears. I brush my thumb over his cheek, and wipe away one of his tears.

I sniff, and shudder in the way that you do when you cry really hard.

I just want to keep him safe. I want to protect him so that nothing like what happened to Mari can ever happen to him.

I know he’s gotten close.

Except that’s not what really happened to Mari at all.

I drop my hand away from his face. I don’t even want to touch him anymore.

I turn away. I can’t look into his eyes knowing what he did to her. And to Hero. And to Aubrey. And to me.

Hero is frozen to the spot. I mean frozen. I’m not even sure if he’s breathing.

And his eyes are icy.

Then he’s in between me and Sunny.

Even though I don’t want it to, the instinct kicks in. The instinct to protect.

Who do I choose? My best friend, or my brother?

I look to Aubrey for help. I wish she could just tell me what to do, who to help, who to be angry with and who to forgive.

Her face is frozen over, too.

Until she joins Hero.

I want to join them, too, in one way. 

The other part of me doesn’t want to see Sunny in any more pain.

So much pain.

So. much. Pain.

So I choose Sunny.

I guess Hero’s frozen face is starting to thaw. Maybe I won’t have to choose, anymore.

Together, we spread the picnic blanket over the grass next to her grave, even though the wind almost blows it away. I sit down and kick off my sneakers.

Hero reluctantly joins me. I break an orange-flavored popsicle from the bunch, and try to open it with my teeth.

“Ow! Jeez, these have no business being so hard to open.” I mutter under my breath. I’m trying to make conversation here. Don’t judge.

“The trick is to pull it directly sideways, not up.” Hero shows me with a cherry flavored one, and it opens just fine.

I groan. “Of course you are perfect at everything.”

He smiles, a little dully. “Well, it works.”

I sigh. “Look, are we here to talk about things, or are we here to have a chill day?”

Hero’s face crumples a little. “I guess . . . talk. I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days.”

“No shit, me too. You’re not the only one with problems.” I don’t know why I’m suddenly shouting.

“Kelsey-”

“ Don’t call me that you sound like mam á.”

“ I-”

“Kel dammit. Mari gave me that nickname. Use it.”

“I know.”

“Y’know, these popsicles don’t even taste how I remember. Here Mari, have some-” I throw my half-eaten popsicle at her grave, and it lands haphazardly by the bouquet of gladiolus flowers that Aubrey and I left for her just a few days ago.”

“Kel-”

“Look at all the people you’ve been ignoring because you liked your selfish little bubble of self-hate, in my room by the way. I don’t even care that every award hanging on those walls belongs to you, you decided to become a doctor just like our parents wanted and you left me here.”

“ Kel-”

“If I didn't know better I’d think you’d enjoy hurting us. You leave me here and side with them to take away everything that I’ve made for myself here, you yell at Aubrey like you don’t even know what she’s been through, and you slammed Sunny into a wall. You think he isn’t guilty enough? ”

“Kel, stop!”

“ You can’t even be here for your stupid dead girlfriend .”

“I’m sorry, Kel, I didn’t know-”

“No, I’m sorry I’m not good enough.”

And then I hug him, cherry popsicle and all. And he hugs me back, and all that anger leaves, and I’m skimming across the surface of something that feels almost nice.

“I just want you to respect me.” I mumble into his shirt.

“I know Kel, but I already do. You’ve grown into your own, amazing person, who is kind, and funny, and you can always make me laugh. Thank you for making me laugh . Today is the best I have felt in a long time, just catching up with you. You’ll always be my little brother, and I’ll always be your big brother, but neither of us can pretend that you didn’t keep me going all these years without Mari. You brought me out of my depression four years ago, and you’re doing it again, because you’re the most special person I’ve ever known. I’m sorry I’ve never thanked you for it.”

How did he know that was exactly what I have always wanted to hear.

It’s my turn to talk.

“But you’re so much better than me. When I was little and got scared you would comfort me. When I needed help with my homework, you would explain how to do it. I can’t even know my life without you, because it has always been you. And it’s always been me weighing you down.”

“No Kel, it’s always been you being there for me all this time. You’ve always killed the spiders for me, because I was too afraid. You’ve always been my sidekick cook, willing to eat all the dough before it even makes it to the oven.  You were there when things happened with Mari, when you were twelve . You inspire me to work hard because I want to be your role-model, but you went and grew up already.” He tousles my hair and pulls away from the hug.

“Hero, I’m not grown up at all. I still need you all of the time.”

“I think you know more than you realize. You’ve proved that to me after everything with Sunny.”

He’s smiling. “How are things with Sunny?”

My face gets hot, and I scooch away again. 

“They’re fine. He’s fine.”

“I’m sorry I missed his surgery. I know that was important to you. I hope his recovery is going well.”

“Hero, I like Sunny.” I blurt out. “I mean, I like Sunny like you liked Mari. I’m s-”

“I know.” Hero’s face doesn’t change.

“What?” I say, incredulous. My face is turning into a pit of fire from the embarrassment I am experiencing right now. “How could you tell?”

He laughs again. “You think we all can’t see the way that your eyes widen and you giggle to yourself whenever we mention him? You think we can’t see you biting your lip when he’s around? You think-”

“What? No? How? I- this is so embarrassing, um-” I cover my ears, because I know they are bright red right now. “I’m not that obvious am I?”

“You guys are a thing, right?” He asks, trying to make me explode.

“No!” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Obviously not!”

“Oh, well, he likes you back.”

“Stop teasing me, Hero!”

“My little bro is in love, I’m so proud.” At this point he’s just asking for me die.

“Hero, please-”

“Okay, okay,” He holds up his hands, as if he meant no harm. “I’ll stop.”

He sighs. “In all seriousness, I don’t think that you two should really . . . get together right now. With everything going on, I think maybe you should reconsider.”

“You think I haven’t tried? I can’t help that I like him! I thought you would understand!” I grip the picnic blanket under me.

“I do understand, Kel, and I know that a relationship with someone like Sunny might now go . . . super well right now.”

“You couldn’t just control your feelings for Mari, could you?” I ask defiantly. 

He sucks in a breath. “Well, that was different-”

“Different how?”

He lets it out, and scratches his head. “I don’t know.”

“I know, things with the truth are bad right now, but Sunny’s not all bad, okay? And neither is Basil. They’re still our friends.

He doesn’t answer, and I can see a whole war on his face. I know he’s capable of loving them again. At the very least it's a step down from hating their guts.

“Whatever. It’s not like we’re ever going to be a thing anyways.” I mumble. Hero will understand one day, I know it. Today is just not that day.

“Oh shit-” All this time, Hero’s cherry popsicle has been melting onto our picnic blanket.

“Well, I didn’t bring any paper towels, so I think Mom’s just going to have to live with it.” Hero seems a little less on edge. A little more relaxed.

I roll my eyes. “Well, if she asks, tell her it wasn’t my fault.”

“Fine!” Hero grumbles, although I can tell he’s just imitating me.

We both start cackling again after that, and he pushes me over, and suddenly we’re both lying back on the blanket, looking up at the sky, which is so bright it’s nearly blinding.

The clouds are pretty. The shapes remind me of all sorts of things.  One of them looks kind of like a watermelon slice, and the other a picnic basket. One looks like a cowboy hat, and one just looks like a cloud.

Hero seems to know what I’m thinking. “Pareidolia, it’s called. Seeing shapes and patterns where there are none.”

“Cool.” I breathe. I had no idea there was a name for something like that.

“You know, for the amount of things that I may be good at, I’ve never really been able to see the shapes in the clouds. Sure, being academically smart makes school pretty easy, but sometimes I wish I could be creative, like you, Kel.”

“Damn.” is all I can say to that. I can’t imagine a world without para-doll-ee-uh, or whatever it's called.

I fold my arms behind my head and watch the clouds go speeding by, covering and uncovering the sun, kind of like sand washing up and down a beach. The sky is such a bright cobalt color it almost hurts my eyes. People draw the sky as being a light blue color, so much to the point they call the color “sky blue,” but I would say the sky is almost a navy color.

“I miss you, Mari.” 

Hero says it out loud. Maybe she’s listening.

He sighs, for what seems like the hundredth time today. “Kel, I’d like to visit Sunny at the hospital, assuming he hasn’t been discharged already.”

“He hasn’t. He’s still recovering and they’re getting him fitted for prosthetics.”

“Ok, well, when’s the next time we can visit?”

“How’s tomorrow sound?”

Chapter Text

Aubrey kisses me.

We kiss sometimes, as girlfriends do, but-

This doesn’t feel right.

I pull away.

“Aubrey?” I ask. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m okay.” It's like she doesn’t even hear me, process the words that I’m saying. She just responds without a second thought.

“Stop- you’re not. You’re not breathing, this isn’t right. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong!” She insists. She sighs and rolls away onto her back, resting her hands on her stomach and staring at the ceiling. 

Her forehead is tense, and her eyebrows are knotted in worry. She’s chewing on the side of her cheek. Thousand yard stare.

I know all the symptoms. I’ve seen them all before.

I can’t in good conscience kiss her when I know she’s like this.

I’m not going to take advantage of her. Never.

She’s never been that desperate before, though.

“You can tell me what’s wrong.”

She turns on her side on my bed, away from me, until I can’t see her face at all.

“Fine. Be like that. I have to go to work.”

That was yesterday.

Even when I got home after seeing that huge nerd, Kel, she still wouldn’t really talk to me, even though it is clearly my house. I didn’t have the mental capacity after work to deal with it. So we’ve just kind of avoided each other. Even though we’re sleeping in the same room.

I like it when she comes. I think she’s super pretty, and smart, and funny, and the way she bites her lips and the way she can throw insults like a passing thought makes me want to never stop looking at her. If only she knew she was that pretty. And smart. And funny.

Whatever.

Today is one of those days I have to work. I think Miss Candice would hang me out to dry if I ever dared to steal candy for her again. 

I roll my eyes and adjust my glasses. It is incredibly humid in Gino’s for absolutely no reason and I am sweating in this stupid apron. The yellow in combination with my hair makes me look like Ronald McDonald.

I crunch on my bubblegum flavored lollipop and check the time. Even though my shift started a few minutes ago.

It’s the usual Tuesday morning, where someone’s uncle hangs out in the back corner for an hour and some kid comes in to ask if we have hamburgers. I despise customer service but it's apparently a ‘health violation’ to let me make the food. I spend most of my time writing down the delivery orders in the back in between customers. I’ve been practicing with my left hand, and it's been coming along nicely.

It’s pretty lonely, though. None of the pizza delivery boys stick around for some reason.

And to make matters worse, I had to deal with that huge nerd, Kel, yesterday, with his tall ass brother. They used to be Aubrey’s friends, even though she doesn’t talk about em’ much.

And she came to my place crying a few weeks ago. Crying about something being messed up. When I woke up in the morning she wasn’t there.

So I invited her to pizza with the rest of tha gang, and then she got all weird after Kel showed up, and when I jumped in the lake she looked kind of scared.

My jaw aches, and I realize I've been clenching it. My lollipop has been obliterated to smithereens.

The bell signifying a new customer rings. I put down my pencil (today’s delivery orders look extra bad today, but what can ya do) and pick up my notebook order thing. I don’t actually use it to fill out orders and stuff, I just draw on it instead of making weird eye contact with the customers. I remember their orders . . . occasionally.

And that weirdo Kel and his brother are back (Henry, Hugo?). Again.

“Wanted a mediocre sandwich two days in a row? Respect.” I say, clicking my pen.

“No, we just . .  need to talk to you.” Kel says, scratching the back of his leg.

I lean against one of the tables, which Gino specifically instructed me not to, even though we both know I don’t get paid enough to care. Not enough psychopaths want pizza at 8 am for Gino to care, either.

“Whatcha want?” I pop open a stick of gum and shove it in my mouth, chomping down on it.

They both look a little uncomfortable.

“Well . . . we wanted to talk to Aubrey but she wouldn’t answer the door.”

“So?” I narrow my eyes. 

“We were wondering if you might know where she is.”

I narrow my eyes again, even narrower. “If I did, why would I tell you?”

Kel looks annoyed. “Because we’re trying to help her.”

I try to narrow my eyes again but at this point I can’t really see. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?”

“We’re her friends, okay? We just want to make sure she’s okay.”

I groan. “Fineeeeeeeee. She’s probably at my house.”

“Thank, bye Ki-”

“Wait! What do I get in return?” I demand.

Hero (I finally remembered his name!) turns back to me looking so exasperated I can’t help but laugh.

“Just kidding. . . . Be kind to her, okay? She’s going through a lot.”

Kel nods. “Always.”

The bell rings again as they exit.

I hope I made the right choice in telling them.

I hope maybe they can knock a little bit of sense into her.

Chapter Text

The sound of the doorbell resonates through Kim’s room.

Y’know that weird thing that all people do when they’re home by themselves, where they sneak up on the door and peek through the blinds to see who’s there?

Is it Kim? Is she coming back from her shift early to break up with me and kick me out?

I can’t do anything right.

It’s not home, but I do that weird thing anyway. It’s home for now, I suppose.

It’s Kel. Because of course it is. And Hero, too. How did they even know I was here? Should I answer?

"I promise to never leave you again. . . I promise promise. It won't be weird or awkward between us any more."

I’m not breaking a promise promise. Plus, they don’t know that anything’s wrong. Why wouldn’t I answer? They’d probably break in to bother me anyway- it won’t be the first time.

“Hey.” I open the door and try my best to not let the corners of my eyes sag.

“Aubrey!” Kel exclaims, and I wince. “You look like you’ve gotten hit by a truck.”

I lean against the door in an attempt to look nonchalant, which might fool Kel, but Hero doesn’t look quite convinced. “Nah, I’m just tired. What’s up?”

“We wanted to see if you wanted to hang out and then maybe visit Sunny.” Kel says, immediately disregarding my haggard appearance. Hero looks at me, carefully, in that way he does, like he’s trying to analyze me as he would a medical diagram. He’s had that look (mostly for Kel and me) for the entirety that I’ve known him, but I haven’t seen it since Sunny, well, you know.

I want to say no. I want to lie down and die.

But I’ve been lying down and dying all morning, and I haven’t felt any better. I don't know if I want to feel better.

Hijinks might not be the worst idea.

Plus, what else am I supposed to say? No? 

I don’t break my promise promises. I don’t.

“Yeah, just, gimme a minute.”

I throw on some of Kim’s sweatpants (perks of being bisexual, if you date a girl, you can share clothes) and splash my face with water.  I don’t have the option for contacts today. I give myself a smile in the mirror, and show those pearly whites. I don’t like what I see.

I throw on my shoes from yesterday and meet Kel and Hero at the door. “Where we headed?”

“I was thinking we could bake something at my house, and bring it to Sunny.” Kel explains, scuffing his feet on the sidewalk as he walks. “Mama isn’t as mad at me, so she’ll probably let me mess up her kitchen.” He turns around, hands in his pockets, and gives me a crooked smile. It all feels so normal.

Hero runs his hand through his hair. “It’s been a while. The most cooking I’ve been doing is making Kraft Mac and Cheese in my dorm microwave.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kel retorts. “Kraft Mac and Cheese is the shit.”

I nod. It really is.

“Can’t let your older brother get a little excited, can you?”

“Ok fine.”

We pass the turn to their house. “We still need butter, and eggs, and a card.”

“Card?” I ask. 

Kel shrugs “For Sunny. Y’know one of those get-well soon cards.”

“Why don’t we make one?” I suggest, not even thinking about the words as they came out of my mouth.

Kel stops for a second. “That’s a great idea, Aubrey! Although I’m not really much of an artist.”

“But homemade things mean so much more- there’s so much more love baked into them,” Hero adds.

That’s what he used to say about Mari’s cookies

“Sunny and Basil really were the artists out of all of us,” I say.

“Yeah.” Kel says quietly.

We all kind of stare at the ground for a second, but Kel steps forward, and we continue on.

We get to Othermart and head inside, Kel grabbing a cart on the way.

“We don’t need a cart, we’re getting like, two things-” Hero starts to say.

“Too late.” Kel says, unfazed. He glances at me and I smile at him, but I feel it fall off my face when he looks away.

We get to the aisle, which has many colorful options for the same thing.

“Butter.” Kel grabs two packages of butter sticks and gives them a good slap. He does a backhand toss into the cart and I give him a high-five, almost automatically. We start to leave, but Hero stays behind.

“We’re about to leave your slow ass.” Kel says, leaning on the cart with his forearms.

“Butter is high in saturated fat and cholesterol-” Hero starts.

“Bro please, I'm begging you. If you really want whatever the hell unsalted margarine is, then grab it and let's go.”

Hero looks conceited.

“Mari always used butter in her original recipe.” I add hesitantly.

He shakes his head. “Then butter it shall be.”

Just then, a certain lady with light brown hair steps out of the medical wing.

“Polly, it’s so good to see you!” Hero says, like she’s the dearest friend he’s ever had.

“Hero. Kel. Aubrey. How are you three doing?” She asks, looking kind of startled.

“Just fine! We’re picking up some baking supplies to make some cookies. How about you?” Hero smiles.

“Nothing interesting, just picking up some medications for Basil.” She rubs her eyes, looking tired.

“How is he?” Kel interjects.

Hero gets real quiet.

“He’s doing alright. He’s going to psychiatry now. He’s all healed up, too.”

“I’m glad.” Kel nods

Polly hesitates. “If you want, You could come over sometime and pay him some company. I know what happened last time, and I understand if you don’t want to, but-”

“That sounds lovely.” Kel says. “We’ll be there, just let us know.”

Polly looks between the three of us, especially at Hero’s stoic expression. “Well, I’d better be going now. Good luck on your baking.”

We grab the eggs, this time with no argument mentioning whatever the fuck cholesterol is, check out, and make it to Hero and Kel’s house. It’s a little tense, but maybe that’s just me. It’s always just me.

Kel hesitates, and stops on the sidewalk of the front walk. Hero and I turn to look at him. 

He hesitates again. “Remember when we celebrated Basil’s birthday last year. And Hero spent ages on that cake, just for me to ruin it with frosting?”

Hero cracks a smile. “You didn’t ruin it. I think it was beautiful.”

“-And then we made that card for him, and Sunny’s part of the card was super beautiful and detailed, and my part of the card was. . . . ”

“I forgot my folder,” I start giggling, and I have to swallow to keep talking. “ the weather’s getting colder . . .”

“Doing my homework feels like pushin’ a boulder.” Hero adds in, and we’re all smiling like crazy.

“Congrats, you’ve gotten one year older!” We all say together, cackling and laughing and dying right on the front porch.

Kel flops over on the grass, and Hero has to stop laughing as he cries, “the eggs!” and rushes to Kel’s side.

“True, poetry,” I add, on the way in the house.

I forgot about Basil’s birthday. I mean- I know it happened. I just haven’t thought about it in a long time. And I missed the past four, also.

Lonely birthdays are an ample punishment for preventing someone else’s. She won’t have any more. Sixteen forever.

“Okay,” Hero says, after wiping down all the counters thoroughly. “Now where’s the recipe?”

Kel and I stare at him blankly. 

“Mari’s recipe? We used to have a copy, didn’t we?”

. . . 

“You haven’t made cookies in all this time?”

Kel shakes his head.

Hero puts his hands on his hips. “Then I guess we’ll have to see how much we remember.”

It’s a lot, actually. We remember a lot, or rather, he does. Hero made them all the time. Hero and Mari.

It’s a mess. I mean, Kel spilled flour, which is for some reason impossible to clean up, and I put the mixer on the highest setting first, which apparently you’re not supposed to do unless you want a light dusting of sugar on every surface of the house. How was I supposed to know it would get everywhere?

“No, Kel,” Hero laughs. “Don’t eat the cookie dough-”

“But it's just-” Kel swallows a handful, his words a mumble through the batter. “So. Good. And there’s only like, one egg in the whole recipe.”

Hero straightens up and puts on a straight face. “The raw egg is not actually the most dangerous part of eating raw cookie dough- any kind of bacteria like salmonella or E coli comes from bacteria on the shell, and buying eggs from the right source and checking for cracks almost completely eliminates the possibility of contracting a digestive disease from the egg. However, the same kinds of bacteria can easily be present in flour, which is made from grains. When we bake the cookies at 375F, the bacteria is killed, as salmonella is eradicated at the temperature of 165F. However, it poses a danger when the cookie dough is raw.”

Kel looks on at his brother with disappointment and shakes his head. I have a feeling the only reason he didn’t interrupt was because he was stuffing his face with more cookie dough.

Hero’s pretentious face falls back into his lopsided grin. “You know we have to save some of that, right?”

Kel swallows. “Nerd,” He mumbles.

“Yeah Hero, live a little.” I say, cramming some into my mouth too. It’s pretty delicious.

“Fine, I'll have a taste.” He scoops a miniscule piece of dough of the spoon and licks it with his finger, nodding thoughtfully. “Could have used more salt, though.”

He looks on in horror as Kel licks the tablespoon and puts it back in the bowl.

“Come on guys, we’re all family here.” Kel grumbles at Hero’s deadpan expression. “I’ll go look for some of the art supplies, since I’m clearly not wanted here.”

“You really still care about baking, huh?” I ask, as we portion out the cookie dough and put it in the oven.

Hero nods, his expression flailing into something hard to read. “Yeah I guess. I haven’t really had much time for it lately, I guess, with all this doctor stuff lately.” He starts gathering the many, many dishes we dirtied, and sighs, his expression far away.

“It’s not too late to change your major,” I add, even though I have zero clue how college works. It just felt kind of right.

He drops the dishes in the sink and looks at me, horrified. “I can’t switch majors? Why would I want to do that?”

I shrug in reply.

He looks back at the dishes in front of him. “I love this. I love what I do,” he says. I’m not quite sure if it's directed at me.

The nine minutes of baking time are over quickly, as Kel returns with a couple of sharpies and Hero and I get to clean-up.

I watch out of the corner of my eye as Hero washes the dishes. He keeps sighing, and shaking his head, just to sigh again.

“There.” Mari says, clipping a copy of her recipe to the fridge with a magnet. “Perfect. And we’ll keep it here forever, until we won’t need it anymore because we’ll have it memorized.”

“I think you might already.” Hero scratches the back of his neck. “You worked super hard on it.”

“Aw, shucks.” Mari says, smiling.

Kel and I look at each other and gag. Hero and Mari are so obviously in love sometimes, but I could probably gag just at the mere sight of Kel’s face anyways.

Mari’s attention is on me now. “How was career day, Aubrey?”

I twirl my hair with my finger, and look down at the floor. “Fine. I mean, it was pretty cool. There was a pilot there, and he had a bunch of cool pictures of him in a fighter jet.” I like it when Mari asks me about things.

“It was so rad.” Kel agrees, jumping up and holding out his arms to be like wings of an airplane. “Do you think I could be a pilot? Do you? Do you?”

Mari laughs warmly. “I’m sure you can be whatever you want to be, Kel, no doubt about it.”

I think back to what the school counselor said about making conversation; to ask the other person what they think. “What do you want to be when you grow up, Mari?”

She tilts her head to the side and looks up. “I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it. Maybe something like a veterinarian, or a biologist. Something where I can care for animals.”

I can almost perfectly imagine Mari as a veterinarian in my head. Kel as a pilot, though, is debatable.

“What about you Hero?” I ask. 

He shrugs and looks down, all modest like he does sometimes. “Oh, I’ll probably try and be a doctor or something. That’s what Mama and Papa think I should do, at least.”

Mari’s eyes glowed with an idea. “You should be a chef!” She declared. “Then you could grow up and cook for me.”

“Maybe.” Hero says modestly, but I can see the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He ducks his head a little, but I can see that he agrees.

I guess Mari never really had the chance to grow up to be a veterinarian.

Hero did though. And he’s not exactly a chef.

I look to the fridge, in the corner where Mari had pinned her cookie recipe all those years ago.

It isn’t there.

Chapter Text

so, its honestly been so long I forgot where i ws going with this fic, and i am one oafish charlatan, so im probably not gonna write much more, sorry to everyone who seemed to like it. I'm still gonna write one-shots with my cute head-canons, probably. So, I'm gonna tell you what I was planning to write, if you want to read it.

I was going to get the whole gang back together. Basil wasn't going to be completely out of his shell yet, but the thing that would finally make them all comfortable around each other again, was Aubrey, Hero, Kel, and Sunny were going to get Basil a new camera. and on this new camera, they would recreate the good times from their childhood, and make new memories too. Aubrey was going to dye her hair purple, like mari planned to do, because she's finally going to realize there are no "two versions" of her. There's no old her, and new her. There's no brown-haired her, and no pink-haired her. She wants to establish a new identity for herself, and honor Mari with it. Plus, purple is just a pretty color. Aubrey and Kim were going to reconcile, because Aubrey feels she can't be vulnerable in her relationship. There was going to be a scene with all of them, plus Kim, at a campfire, where Sunny brings up that his mom is finally getting therapy, and he is as well. Then, she finally allows herself to bring up her mom, and naturally everyone is shocked and horrified. She manages somehow to get Bun-Bun back, and get himt o move in with Basil and Polly. Basil enjoys caring for plants, and he has all the right kinds to keep Bun-Bun healthy, and I think Basil and Bun-Bun would be a very cute duo. Kel and Sunny would eventually officially get together. Hero would find someone he liked, not anyone in game but probably someone with a shared interest for baking, and struggle for a few chapters, but realize Mari would want him to move on, and they date. Sunny will be temporarily upset, because Hero is only supposed to date Mari, but let it go as well. Sunny obviously will be out of the hospital soon, and be going to therapy after all that happened. He will live an hour or so away, but come down every so often. Kel finally gets his license and drives him to and from his and Hero's house, where he stays during visits. Mrs. Suzuki and Aubrey's mom connect, and Aubrey has one last conversation with her mom at church, before she goes to rehab. Aubrey stays with Basil and Polly (and bun-bun) for some time, and maybe gets adopted, I haven't decided yet. Hero stays the whole summer, but eventually its time for Sunny to not visit as much and Hero to go back to college. They have a little good-bye picnic at Mari's grave, and its a good time, althought with some teary goodbyes. Aubrey tells Sunny, that she loves him, and she's on her way to being okay, and she will stay with him on his road to being okay as well. The last line was going to be "Aubrey learned accept."

It was going to be so dramatic, but i am tired and i am not smart enough to plan all this out. Thank you all for the support, and just reading. I did kinda rely on this thing as an outlet for a while, but i go outside now. I wish you all luck in your AO3 travels, this can be a wild place. this won't be the last yall hear from me tho, might be compelled to write some of those headcanons as short stories above.

Chapter Text

I was going back and rereading this, and I honestly was really impressed that I wrote this even years ago. I know I already told you guys what was going to happen, but would you guys be interested in me continuing the fic possibly?. I haven’t written anything since I feel bad about not finishing this fic, so maybe this will get me back into writing again. I know it’s been a long time, but I hope to maybe finish this one day. I don’t know how many of yall will see this, or how many of you still want to read this, but please let me know if you want a continuation!