Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Spring 2022

The sky was gray, big plush clouds covering the sun. It was going to rain. The air was humid with a sharp bite of cold still lingering from winter, a perfectly normal Maryland spring day.

Before Edward realized it, it would be summer again, miserably hot and endlessly depressing. Maryland summers meant late days and short nights, blazing heat and crab feasts, and trips to the ocean. It meant memories of Thrasher's fries on the boardwalk, holding hands on the Ferris wheel, posing for pictures as cowboys, and sharing headphones on the beach. Summer meant another year had passed him by, putting more time and distance between them than there had ever been.

Sometimes he still dreamt of sandy curls and eyes the color of the Atlantic, a swell of happiness so pure it could only exist in dreaming. When he woke there was a brief moment when it all still felt real, until the cold emptiness beneath his fingers reminded him and the loss of everything ached all the way down to his bones.

Some days the grief settled on him so hard, he couldn't force himself into the day, resigned to wither to nothing where he lay. Others, he was able to lock it all back in its cage, a clawing, snarling creature tamed only by his desire to not fall victim to it again. Today though, he let the memories burn just enough to remind him how he'd gotten here, what he'd survived to have the opportunity to still be able to remember, and he was grateful.

The hardwood was cold beneath his feet as he padded his way to the kitchen, dropping a pod into his coffee machine and tapping the button. The rich aroma of dark roast filled the house and Edward grabbed his phone, opening Spotify to the 2000s throwback station, before sliding it to the counter next to him. He swiped his mug as the coffee gurgled to a stop and dumped an unnecessary amount of creamer into it, “Hollaback Girl” playing from the Bluetooth speaker on his mantle. It was Saturday, so he didn't need to be anywhere, but there was still a sense of urgency as he moved around the house, ineffectively trying to decide how to spend his day off.

There were a few errands that he could run, or he could binge-watch Ancient Aliens, or, maybe, he could ring Anne and see if she wanted to go for a coffee. Edward looked down at the scalding mug in his hand. He should probably take it easy on the caffeine actually. Instead, he settled himself down on the far side of his sofa and started flipping through shows for something he might potentially be interested in watching. All of it was pretty much shit.

The first few cords of the next song were undeniable and Edward snapped his head up just as the first line drifted from the speaker.

When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city, to see a marching band.

It wasn't as if he hadn't heard the song a million other times since that night, it's just that, for some reason, today the melody chimed differently, struck a different cord in him. And suddenly he was free falling back to 2006, his arms wrapped tightly around as he swayed them side to side while they waited for Anne's tattoo to be done.

“You're doing this with me Ed, you promised.”

“I know, I know. Start of our final year, I wouldn't let you down now.”

A warm press of lips to his cheek and he turns away from Anne to meet the ocean. "I like this." The song crescendos.

“The music?”

“Us.”

Music. It had always been a tether to the past, a time machine to a time before he bore the scars of battle. It was a connection to places and people, and it made him remember what it felt like in the moment to be someone else. Some people were better left as ghosts, though; some melodies best forgotten.

~*~

Summer 2002

Edward pulled the blue Pontiac Sunbird to the curb, Alien Ant Farm blaring from the rolled-down windows, and looked up at the small green apartments that would be his home for the next three months. A summer job at the beach would allow him the senior trip he deserved, while also letting him save up for the fall.

Graduation had been a blur. He had never expected to make it across the stage, much less with a gold tassel and the promise of a future that didn’t include staying in the small town where he’d been born. But somehow he had managed the impossible, graduating with honors and an acceptance letter to university at the end of the summer. It was his chance to show everyone he wasn’t the loser freak they always saw him as, so he couldn’t fuck it up.

Which meant he needed to blow off the last of his steam, party it up before he headed off to campus in August, and when you’re not just from a small town, but a small state like Maryland, there was only one place that offered the possibility of a summer escape: Ocean City.

So here he was, two duffle bags, his graduation savings, and a plan.

“Are you Edward?”

“Uh, yeah,” he said, looking up to find a tall man in bright-colored clothes and flip-flops. “You can call me Ed though.”

“Well, Ed,” the guy gave him a once over as he stepped from the car, “I’m Luke. You can call me Luke.” Luke tipped his sunglasses down with a smirk. “Welcome to OC roomie. C’mon, I’ll show you our palace.”

The building was old, late 70s style with modern touches here and there that were probably only added when something broke. Their apartment was on the second floor just above the shop he would be working in. It was small— a living room, kitchen combo with a small dining table, a single bathroom, and two tiny bedrooms barely big enough for a bed and dresser— but it did have a balcony with a view of the beach and boardwalk below. The kitchen was fully stocked with condiments, coffee, and an abundance of liquor.

“I mostly eat dinner before I come home,” Luke had said with a shrug when Ed opened the fridge and looked disappointed in what he found. “But we have whipped cream and chocolate syrup for dessert if you're into that kinda thing.”

Ed didn’t want to assume what he meant by that, so he nodded noncommittally, making a mental note to grab some groceries, and moved on.

“What's the D stand for?” Luke asked, standing in the doorway of Ed’s temporary bedroom a few minutes later while he unpacked. “On the lease. Edward D Teach.” he explained when Ed shot him a look. “Not that I mind...love me some good D.” He grinned like a goddamn Cheshire cat.

“Um,” Ed kept his eyes on what he was doing. He hated when people asked about his name. “My middle name.”

“Yeah, got that. Which is...” Luke prompted with a twirling hand in his direction.

Ed could tell that Luke was one of those people with too much energy, not enough filter, and far more confidence in himself than was needed. “I don't really like to talk about my name.”

“Ooo, mysterious.” Luke sauntered into the room and picked up a book ED had pulled from his bag. “I like a man with a little bit of mystery.” He turned the book over in his hand and dropped it back down.

Ed reached out and grabbed it quickly, moving it to his bedside table drawer. “It's not mysterious, just...stupid,” he confessed, pushing the drawer closed.

“A book? In there?” Luke pointed at where he'd just put the book and Ed flicked his eyes over in confusion.

“Is that...wrong?”

“Well, no, I suppose not, but...where do you keep your condoms and such?”

Ed felt the heat rise in his face. He wasn’t a prude or anything, just— This wasn’t really a conversation he expected to be happening on day one with his new roommate. “My...what?”

Luke's eyebrows jumped to his hairline, eyes narrowed. “You did just graduate, yeah?”

“...yes?”

“And you came to the beach to party?”

“I— I think so...”

Luke rolled his eyes dramatically. “I'll take you to the Quick-Mart later.”

“Um...thank you?”

“You're welcome,” Luke smiled, obviously pleased with himself. “Don't worry, duckling, I've mothered many a baby gay.”

Ed froze, hand tightening to a fist around the toothbrush he'd just picked up, eyes sliding to Luke's face.

“I'm sorry?”

It wasn't a secret necessarily, not that he'd ever said it aloud before, but the way that Luke had just...said it, like it was a given, took him aback a bit. Honestly, his color palette of blacks and grays, cargo pants, and dangling chains usually gave the opposite impression. He supposed it could have been his hair, he did put a great deal of care into making sure it looked artfully disheveled.

Still, though, it wasn't like he was used to hearing someone call him on it. Not where he came from.

“Oh honey,” Luke giggled. “If you're straight then I'm an astronaut. My gaydar is never wrong.”

Jesus Christ— It was going to be a long summer.

"Your—” Ed's forehead pinched. “Your gaydar? I don't—”

“It's fine,” Luke waved his hand dismissively, “I'll teach you everything I know. Well...maybe not everything.” He ran his eyes over Ed again with a smirk. “How old are you?”

Ed narrowed his eyes defensively. “18,” he pushed past Luke towards the bathroom, and his roommate spun to follow, “and I'm not a virgin. If that's what you were implying.”

Luke raised his hands in apology, as Ed dropped his items in the medicine cabinet that was more rust than anything else. “My bad, my bad. You just seem...fresh off the farm, that's all.”

Ed crossed back to his room, Luke still on his heels. “I am,” he admitted, his back to Luke as he started putting his clothes into the dresser. “Have you ever seen a farm hand?” He pushed a drawer closed and turned around, crossing his arms, eyebrow quirked up in challenge.

“Impressive.” And Luke did, indeed, look impressed. Ed smiled a little at the fact that he seemed to surprise his older, and obviously more experienced, new roommate.

Luke clapped his hands together suddenly and Ed jumped, pulled from his moment of pride.

 “Alright then, bitch,” Luke drawled, “in that case...get dressed.” Ed uncrossed his arms and looked down at his clothes before looking back up. Luke grinned, a new twinkle in his eye. “We're going out.”

And so began the summer of ’02, a collage of folded shirts and souvenirs, sand and beach towels, hotel parties, fruity drinks, and an endless supply of pretty boys. His days were spent selling sunglasses and keychains, pressing designs onto t-shirts, and arguing with people who wanted three for the price of one. The job wasn’t terrible, it paid enough to keep him fed, put a little in savings, and gave him a free place to stay, and Luke wasn’t a terrible roommate. Although loud and often drunk, he kept Ed in alcohol and nightclubs, and that was enough to deal with the rest. This was likely due to a combination of Ed being accessible as his roommate, effectively making him Luke’s new BFF and special project, and Luke’s constant need to feel helpful— even if it was getting Ed drunk and laid, which had apparently become his life’s new mission. As for Luke’s own sex life…he was not lacking in options and Ed had quickly, and unnecessarily, learned what Luke was using the dessert toppings for.

It had only taken a few days for Ed to learn that Luke was the son of his boss. As the “rainbow sheep”, as he liked to call himself, Luke was put up in the apartment and given the title of manager to keep him out of his father’s way and away from the scrutinizing eyes of his family. Ed chalked up Luke’s lifestyle to a lack of parental involvement in youth and, by his own admission, liking dick.

Ed couldn’t be sure if it was Luke’s influence or his own personal lack of exposure to this brand new world of pulsing music, free-flowing alcohol, and others like him, but he found himself soon engulfed, a changed man, with a thirst for more that seemed unquenchable.

And it was only the second week of June.

“So…” Ed looked up to Luke coming around the counter, purple sunglasses firmly in place, Hawaiian patterned button up open to his belly button. “Party at the Carousel tonight? Gerald said he’s making a run before, so there should be an assortment of party favors.” He wiggled his eyebrows before putting a hand to his head and leaning down to riffle under the counter.

Ed pulled the press down on the shirt he was working on and glanced over with a smirk. “You’re still reeling from last night, man.”

“I am in a perpetual state of hungover, duckling.” His hand found the bottle of painkillers and he snapped back up, throwing a look to Ed as he untwisted the cap. “So, yay or nay?”

Ed pulled the shirt out, checking it over. “Who else is gonna be there?” he asked, shaking out the shirt and turning back to where the customer was waiting.

“Who won’t be?” Luke said, pushing his sunglasses up and swallowing down the pills dry. “Why’s it matter?”

“$24,” Ed held the shirt out to the customer, taking the offered bills and making change. “I mean,” he pushed the till closed and turned to face Luke, “it's always the same people. And don’t get me wrong they’re great, but—”

“But you don’t wanna fuck any of them.” An elderly lady by the mug rack gasped and Luke rolled his eyes, lounging with his back against the counter.

“Jesus Christ, Luke.” Ed propped a hip against the counter and eyed the old lady as she tittered her way out of the store looking offended. “Why do you have to be so crass all the time?”

“Because I don’t owe anyone anything, especially my modesty. Now…” Luke sighed overdramatically and pouted his lips. “If you come with me tonight I promise to find someone to suck your dick in the bathroom.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Ed groaned, pushing off to circle around the counter, Luke following on his heels.

“Fine, then I’ll suck your dick in the bathroom,” Luke teased with one of his classic grins.

Ed lined up a row of fanny packs and rolled his eyes. “Think I’ll pass. No telling where your mouth has been.”

Luke gasped in mock offense, hand going to his chest. “How dare you?” Ed glared at him and he dropped his hand, conceding the point. “Invite someone, then.”

Ed gave him a look of annoyance.

“Invite who?” he questioned, stepping to the next display. “I can’t just go around asking random dudes if they’re into me.”

“Yeah, I see your point.” Luke looked him up and down. “That makeover is still on the table, by the way.”

“Oh, fuck off. I like my clothes. Just because you prefer to be predictable doesn’t mean I do.”

“Blasphemy,” Luke said dryly. “The gay gods will smite you for that and they’re some genuinely petty bitches.” Ed side-eyed him, straightening a shelf of shot glasses with the Maryland flag and a crab on them. “You’re honestly making this harder than it is, babe. You know how to flirt, yeah?”

“Oh my God, Luke,” Ed breathed, abandoning his busy work to stalk back behind the register. “Yes, of course, I know how to flirt.”

“Right. So, flirt. If they flirt back, invite them to the party.” Luke said it like it was the simplest thing in the world, shoving up in front of Ed and leaning forward on the counter between them.

There was no sense in arguing, he was going to that party and they both knew it. “Alright, alright. I’ll go. Just— stop talking now.”

“You fucking love it.” Luke grinned and pulled his sunglasses back down, backing toward the entrance. “Pick you up at 8:00.”

“What? Where are you going?”

“Wear something…out of character,” Luke said blowing a kiss at Ed before turning and disappearing around the corner.

“Bastard,” Ed whispered under his breath, throwing himself down on a stool to consider if he really needed this job after all.

Ed busied himself with stocking shelves, letting his co-worker handle most of the customers, until the sky turned from blue to pink and orange, and the crowds thinned for dinner. It was his favorite time of the day, not because his shift would be coming to an end, but because it gave him the best views of the beach, shadowed in the gold and pink hues of sunset.

There was something magical about the way the colors seemed to melt into the waves, snatched up and dragged out to sea, that took him back to his childhood. It reminded him of a time when he climbed trees to be closer to the moon, to feel the spells that blew in the air, and he felt like if he reached far enough, he could touch the stars. Most of those notions were taken from him with time, but here, watching the beauty of nature swell and crest around him, he still believed that, maybe, those things were possible.

The sounds of the boardwalk had quieted, less and less people popping in, and Ed settled down for the last half hour of his shift behind the counter, cranking up the volume on the in-store speakers as he took in the view.

The hypnotic piano opening of “Drops of Jupiter” rolled over him, and he leaned back, closing his eyes against the ethereal melody.

He didn’t know it then, but the dreamlike state of the song would haunt him for decades to come; a reminder of the moment that would change his life, throwing every plan out the window and turning the universe on its head.

“Hey,” a voice drifted across the counter, sweet and rich like chocolate, and it burned into him.

Ed opened his eyes and— there he was.

The sandy-colored curls and sharp hazel eyes were strangers to him in this moment, but Ed had somehow known that they were important even then. A spark of recognition lit in the stranger's face when their eyes met and Ed couldn’t push away the overwhelming feeling that they knew each other, that they were connected by some cosmic force. And then the stranger smiled at him, a star so bright and beautiful that he couldn’t be anything less than a supernova preparing to destroy the galaxy, and Ed was right in his path.

“Hi,” the stranger grinned.

“Hi,” Ed murmured breathlessly.

“I was just wondering if—”

“Yes!” he all but shouted over the music. “I mean—”

Star boy huffed a small laugh and dropped his eyes to the counter, the faintest blush rising on his cheeks. Oh God, he was cute. Like…really, really cute.

Ed cleared his throat and tried again, angling his body forward a bit. “Is there something I can help you with?” He tried for a more sultry tone, remembering what Luke had said about flirting.

Star boy flicked his eyes back up, blonde lashes blinking slowly, as he darted his tongue out to wet his lips. “There’s probably a few things actually,” his lips quirked, teasingly.

Was that— Was star boy flirting back?

“Oh, yeah? And what would those be?” he pushed gently, testing the waters.

“You could start by telling me your name.”

Chapter Text

“And so, I was all like— Edward, but you can call me daddy—”

“You did not!”

“No, I didn’t,” Ed grinned over at Luke as they walked side-by-side down Coastal Highway. “But I did invite him to the party.”

Luke rolled his eyes but his lips quirked in amusement. “And what was this hazel-eyed beauty’s name?”

“Stede—uh, Stede Bonnet.”

“Hmm,” Luke hummed thoughtfully. “…sounds like fate.”

Ed tugged on the collar of the shirt that Luke had helped him pick out, feeling very naked without his usual black. “Are you sure this looks okay?”

Luke smacked his hand away. “Are you questioning my fashion sense?”

He looked down at himself, plucking the shirt between his fingers. “It's just not very…me.”

“That’s the point,” Luke said with an impatient look in his direction.

“He met me in my normal clothes, Luke. It didn’t seem to be a problem. This is just so colorful.”

“I’m starting to question your commitment to getting laid,” Luke sighed dramatically.

“Oh, fuck off—”

The party was already in full swing when they arrived, Benji and Gerald poised by the balcony doors double-fisted and a game of beer pong halfway finished in the corner. Ed recognized pretty much everyone, the same troupe of locals and seniors who were at every party they had been to in the last few weeks. Luke had introduced him to everyone on their first night out and Ed had, unexpectedly, been folded into the group instantly.

Ed scanned the moderately sized room for Stede, half expecting him to be there already.

“Relax,” Luke drawled into his ear, a hand to his shoulder squeezing gently. “It’s still early.”

He wasn’t wrong, it was only quarter after nine. There was still plenty of time for Stede to show.

“Yeah. I’m good,” he said unconvincingly even to his own ears, giving Luke a tight nod. “I’m gonna get a drink.”

The time ticked by slowly, as it tends to do when you’re watching it as closely as Ed was. He’d taken up residence in the corner of the room opposite the beer pong table, eyes on the game but unfocused and disinterested. Gerald wandered by at one point, shaking a joint in his face and pointing towards the balcony. Ed gave him a friendly smile and declined, the alcohol doing an effective enough job. Ed watched the hotel door from the corner of his eye in anticipation.

Around 10:15 he poured himself a third drink and settled his back to the wall beside the bathroom, red Solo cup in one hand, Nokia in the other so that he could check the time in rapid succession and feel increasingly more disappointed. Their conversation had been short, an exchange of names and flirty glances, before Stede had made a purchase and Ed had made an invitation. The enthusiastic smile made of star shine was, Ed had thought at the time, a confirmation of Stede’s interest and acceptance. He was now considering that maybe he had been too distracted by the guy's boy band good looks and Ralph Lauren polo to have made an accurate judgment on that account.

Once he could see the bottom of his cup again, Ed made his way through the even more crowded room in search of Luke.

“I think I’m gonna head out,” he shouted over the music and chattering voices when he found his roommate in a huddle passing around a blunt.

Luke turned to him, chest puffed out with the breath he was holding in, as he passed the Dutch on. “What?” he asked, holding back a cough as he breathed out, eyes glassy and red. “We’re just about to do shots.”

“Not really feeling up to it tonight,” Ed lied, rubbing the back of his neck for effect. “Think I just need to go home and crash.”

“What about your hazel-eyed beauty?”

Ed licked his lips and flicked a look at the hotel door he had become intimately aquatinted with over the last two hours. “Yeah, uh, doesn’t look like he’s showing, man.” He moved his eyes back to Luke. “Just gonna cut my losses.”

Gerald moved up beside Luke and slung an arm over his shoulder. “At least hit the blunt before you go, dude.” He held the Dutch out to Ed with a dopey grin and Luke threw a look back at him.

“Maybe he should skip this one, babe,” Luke said glancing at Ed with cautious eyes.

Gerald chuckled, nose wrinkling. “He’s a big boy. And look at his sad little face,” Gerald gestured at Ed. “He needs to take the edge off.”

“I don’t think—” Luke started, turning to face the surfer.

“Actually—” Ed interrupted. “Yeah. I could use a mellow.”

Luke looked at him over his shoulder, biting the inside of his lip like he was holding back words.

“See,” Gerald extended the Dutch to Ed, looking at Luke conspiratorially. “Don’t be a buzz kill.”

Luke sniffed and turned around to face Ed. “Absolutely not. Can’t get a reputation.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, gaze locked on ED as he lifted the blunt to his lips, puffing.

There was a roughness to the way the weed hit the back of his throat that he hadn’t experienced before and he choked out a cough, handing it back over to Gerald. The high hit him quickly, head spinning in a pleasant way, and Ed almost felt refreshed, letting out a giggle. His face felt numb and he clenched down on his teeth, laughing again with the sensation.

“You alright, Ed?” Luke leaned in, lowering his voice.

“Yeah, I feel great. Must be getting my second wind.” He ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth, the front of his teeth. It felt weird but not bad.

Luke watched him, face twitching with uncertainty. “You sure, because…” he trailed off, something over Ed’s shoulder catching his attention.

“What’re you—” Ed turned around, his limbs itching.

Sand and waves and the most beautiful face Ed had ever laid eyes on stood in the doorway, hands shoved into his pockets, gaze shifting nervously around the room. The diamond In his left ear sparkled, catching the minimal light, and Ed had the immediate and extreme desire to find out what it felt like on his tongue. Stede’s eyes caught on Ed’s and he smiled, raising a hand in a small wave.

“Well, fuck,” Luke breathed from behind him, and Ed spun around, almost forgetting he was there. Luke’s eyes were wide, and he shifted them back to Ed from where he was staring at Stede. “If you don’t fuck him right now I’m disowning you.”

Ed smirked, turning back around. “Deal.”

“Hey,” Stede greeted him as he approached. “I was afraid you’d left already. Sorry I’m late, I had something to take care of first.

Ed shrugged, feeling smug with a new wave of confidence. “All good. Glad you could make it.” He let his eyes trace down Stede’s body and back. “Want a drink?”

“I would, yeah. Thanks,” Stede said, one side of his mouth quirking up.

Somewhere in the room the music died, and Ed made his way to the keg tapped on a table. “Beer? Or you want something stronger?” he asked, shifting to look back at Stede standing at his elbow.

The speakers kicked back in...

Stede’s gaze was fire hot as it licked over Ed’s exposed arms before returning to his face, and Ed felt himself shiver. He’d have to thank Luke later.

“What do you like?” Stede asked, tongue running over his lips with the question.

Ed felt heated, pinned down with the look of pure lust being reflected back at him. You, he thought. “Bourbon,” he said.

Stede nodded, eyes dropping to Ed’s mouth. “Bourbon, then.”

“Well, hello there,” Luke purred, coming up beside them, a bottle of Tequila in his hand. He ran his eyes over Stede again quickly and then turned to Ed, a glint of mischief that Ed had come to know well, twinkling in his eye. “Body shots?” he lifted the bottle.

Ed flicked his eyes to Stede who looked at Luke, assessing. “I don’t know—”

“Oh, don’t be a bitch, Ed.” Luke shifted his gaze back to Stede. “Bet you’re up for it?” Luke grinned, scheming.

Jesus Fuck!

 Stede blinked, uncertain, eyes shooting back to Ed.

“Stede, this is my roommate—”

“Boss,” Luke corrected with a smirk.

Ed rolled his eyes. “My roommate and boss, I guess, Luke. Luke this is Stede.” He shot Luke a warning glance and the bastard raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Think maybe we’re going to take it easy tonight, thanks.”

Luke frowned at him. “You can’t let a good twink go to waste, duckling. Plus…” he nodded at Stede, “he can speak for himself, I think.”

“You don’t have to answer him,” Ed said, stepping closer to Stede and tossing a death glare at Luke.

“I mean—” Stede shrugged, sliding his jacket down his arms and throwing it over a chair. “Do we pick our partners?”

Luke smiled, triumphantly. “Absolutely,” he said, throwing a wink at Ed over his shoulder, as he led Stede away.

Edward felt on edge, his hands itching to touch, teeth grinding in anticipation as Stede removed his shirt and got himself positioned on the bed. A crowd had started to gather, a dozen sets of eyes drinking in the same sight hungrily, and Ed felt mad with it. He had no reason to feel the sudden spike of jealousy, Stede didn’t belong to him, they barely knew each other for Christ sake, and yet, that didn’t stop the growing need to lay claim where everyone could see.

Luke bent over the bed speaking to Stede with enthusiasm, a slice of lime held between his fingers, and Stede smiled blindingly, his eyes shifting to Ed and back, as Luke handed him the slice.

“Where’s the shot glass?” Ed asked, pulling the bottle from Luke’s hand, needing to move this along before he lost his mind entirely.

Luke grabbed a salt shaker from Benji and handed to him. “Don’t make me smack you in front of everyone,” he replied with a roll of his eyes and Ed huffed. “Be creative, duckling. I’m sure you’ll think of something.” He patted Ed on the face before backing away.

Ed stepped up beside the bed and Stede gazed up at him, chest and neck exposed, a pretty flush crawling it’s way over his skin, lips parted, eyes dark and hot.

“Ready?”

Stede licked his lips and Ed thought he was breathing a little heavier already. “Not even a little bit,” Stede grinned wickedly and then put the lime, rind inward, into his mouth.

Ed placed a knee to the bed and leaned forward, tipping the shaker over to spill salt along Stede’s sternum.

The salt sparkled like gemstones against his freshly tanned skin and the reality of what he was about to do suddenly hit Ed. Luke snatched the shaker from his hand and nodded down at Stede’s stomach. It took Ed a second to get what he was indicating, then he lifted the Tequila and poured it into Stede’s belly button, liquid overflowing and running along the curves of his waist.

Stede let out a small gasp and Ed looked up at him. His eyes were blown black, the ocean swallowed up in a whirlpool of desire, as they stared at each other.

Someone whooped.

Luke snatched the bottle from his hand.

The song changed abruptly— a steady heartbeat that echoed his own.

And a hunger like Ed had never felt before burned in his veins.

His head was static— a glitching rainbow pulsing in time with the music and he wanted.

With no more hesitation, he dipped forward, running his tongue up the stripe of salt. He felt the intake of breath from Stede, lifting his eyes to watch the need flicker across his perfect face. It made him ache for more, more, more gasps, and moans, and touch and taste and—

Ed dropped back, ducking his head to suck the Tequila from Stede’s body, tongue dipping in, chasing the feeling of Stede shivering beneath him. It was obscene and delicious, the way Stede’s muscles flexed under his mouth. He could have stayed there, traveled down, followed the natural momentum, his primal instincts screaming at every nerve ending to touch, take, have. He didn’t care who saw, let them watch. This was his and he felt alive with it.

The crowd around them roared their pleasure at the allowed voyeurism, but it was drowned out by the rushing of blood in his ears.

Stede shifted, arching slightly, and Ed remembered there was an objective here that was not putting on a show for a room full of people.

He moved with purpose, sliding his body up over Stede who looked up at him with pretty, pleading eyes as he tipped his head back in offering, lime held between his teeth. He was a vision, ethereal and wanton, with his golden curls splayed around his head, cheeks rosy like a goddamn cherub. And, fuck if he had any amount of self-control left now—

He leaned forward, taking the lime between his teeth and biting down to pull the sour fruit from Stede’s lips. Juice erupted into his mouth, leaking onto his tongue, unwelcome and distracting. Stede watched him with fascination, pretty pink lips parted in quick, gasping breaths. The only thing he was interested in tasting was Stede.

Ed turned his head and spit the lime onto the floor, the growing sounds of the room becoming hushed, muted to the choir singing in his head when he captured Stede’s mouth with a heated growl and the blonde opened for him with no reservation.

It was rapturous, his tongue exploring the inside of Stede’s mouth without abandon— learning, cataloging— and the blonde matching him enthusiastically. The Tequila was fresh still on his own lips but Ed could taste the sweetness of Stede’s mouth through the bitter flavor, and he sucked the blonde’s bottom lip between his teeth. Stede moaned into his mouth, pushing up into Ed, a hand finding the back of his neck to pull him in closer.

Ed pulled back, gazing over Stede’s face, hot breath exchanging between them. “Wanna go?”

Stede’s eyelashes fluttered open slowly and there was something unreadable in his eyes. “Please.”

The walk back to the apartment was comfortable with conversation, although Stede did most of the talking, Ed hanging on every word, nodding, and smiling to encourage him on. Stede was excessively adorable, talking at length about pirates and mythical sea creatures as they kept pace beside each other, and Ed was completely enamored. The little bit of a buzz he had managed to build up was wearing off quickly with the walk though, and he was afraid he may lose his nerve by time they reached the boardwalk. Because as taken as he was with Stede, he knew what this was.

Guys like Stede didn’t stick around long, especially with guys like Ed, if they stuck with guys at all.

It was fine. He was used to it. Ed didn’t expect anything beyond tonight. He never did. So, he needed to make it count before he had to make himself forget.

Ed didn’t even have time to shut the door before he was being slammed up against it, his keys knocked from his hand and clattering to the floor as Stede claimed his mouth aggressively, one hand to his shoulder, the other at his hip steadying him. Stede’s tongue was insistent—searching, feeling, tasting— but good. Very, very good. Ed held him by the back of his neck, fingers tangling in the soft, baby curls there, letting him take what he needed.

At the party he had been on edge, anticipating, and hadn’t taken notice of the details that were so clear now.

Stede was soft, his skin like silk— yet firm, his arms and stomach, toned and flexing under Ed’s fingers as he slid them under the fabric of Stede’s shirt. He also tasted sweet, which Ed had picked up on earlier but didn’t have the time to fully appreciate— powdered sugar and fudge. And he smelled amazing, something fresh and clean, like summer itself— citrus and lavender invading Ed’s senses. Stede’s sandy-colored curls were soft and styled, cascading across his brow. His clothes were pristine and expensive, from his varsity jacket to his Nikes, the diamond earring, and gold watch. Stede was put together and Ed wanted to devour him, ravage him, ruin him.

Ed tilted his head, pressing in closer to deepen the kiss, and Stede made a pleased noise, humming against his lips. It was blissful but Ed wanted more, needed more. They had come here for a reason after all. He widened his stance, sliding the hand at Stede’s back further to hook his arm around and draw the blonde flush to him. Stede seemed to understand, shifting to press a thigh between Ed’s legs, as he moved his hand up under Ed’s shirt, fingers smoothing along his ribs.

The friction from Stede’s thigh pressing into him was perfect, and so was the line of Stede’s erection pressing against his hip, both of them straining in their pants. Stede ran his tongue over Ed’s lip and then bit down. Their hips both moved forward at the same time and they moaned loudly into each other’s mouths.

And Ed was suddenly delirious with the need to know what Stede felt like in his hand, his mouth—

He pulled back, letting his eyes open, and Stede looked wrecked— face flushed, lips kiss bruised and glistening, eyelashes fluttering in time with his heavy breath. It took every ounce of his restraint to not lean back in.

“Have you ever—” Ed cut himself off, sucking in a breath as he watched Stede’s face.

Stede nodded, eyes still partially closed, hands flexing against Ed’s body, and his heart fluttered like a hummingbird behind his ribs. Stede wasn’t just cute, he was beautiful; even more so painted in the faint glow of moonlight streaking through the living room blinds.

“I’m not a virgin if that’s what you’re asking,” Stede said, trying to control his breathing, and his eyes finally opened settling on Ed’s face. “Jesus—” he whispered.

“Sorry, I just—”

“No, that’s—” Stede put a hand to Ed’s face, cradling his jaw with a tender touch, thumb swiping tentatively over his cheekbone. It was such an affectionate gesture for a hookup that it about knocked the wind out of him. “You’re really fucking pretty.”

“Oh. I—” Had anyone ever called him pretty before? He didn’t think so. He drew his fingers through the hair at the back of Stede’s neck and the blonde leaned into it. “So are you.”

They stood there silently taking each other in for an unknown amount of time, and it occurred to Ed that maybe he would want something like this someday. He had never thought about his future much past college and a career; nothing to do with a partner or a family or love. It had just never seemed like something that was in the cards for him. But standing there, a near stranger in his arms, staring at him like— like he had climbed into the heavens and hung the stars one by one— all of it started to feel like more than a possibility. It almost felt real.

Ed kissed him again, slow and sweet, pressing all of his sudden emotions into Stede’s lips, the corner of his mouth, his cheeks. Stede gasped and hummed with each new press of his lips, leaning into each touch like he was asking for more gentleness that wasn’t supposed to be part of this situation at all. Hookups were meant to be searing hot and desperate, two people taking their own pleasure from each other for a fleeting moment in time, then stealing off into the night to forget. That’s not what this was though, and Ed could already feel the slow creep of loneliness that would anchor in him once it was over.

“Stay with me,” he whispered against Stede’s ear before he could think better of it, and he heard the hitch of Stede’s breath. He’d gone too far, that was too much for what this was supposed to be. He tried to course correct quickly, moving a hand between them to palm Stede through his jeans. The blonde sank into him with a groan, his head falling forward to Ed’s shoulder and breath quickening. Ed pressed his nose into the curls at the side of Stede’s head and breathed him in. “I want to fuck you till the sun comes up.” A hookup.

Stede whimpered into his neck and then something seemed to snap in the blonde. Stede ran his tongue up the column of Ed’s throat, pausing at the sensitive spot just behind his ear to say, “Can I?”

It was a simple request that seemed to hold so much weight. Could he? Could he leave a mark? One that Ed would bare to the world— a trophy, a souvenir, a reminder.

“Yeah, yes. I— Fuck, yes—” He fisted a hand back into Stede’s hair, encouraging the act that felt possessive, letting himself believe that it was, that Stede was claiming ownership; and he felt the curve of Stede’s lips smiling into his skin before he sucked a bruise into his neck, teeth nipping.

Ed’s heart was kicking wildly in his chest and he wondered if Stede could feel it pressed against his own.

The next bite was harder and Ed’s hand tightened in his hair, pulling a moan from Stede. He tugged again and Stede keened, hips bucking forward, hands pulling frantically at the edge of Ed’s shirt.

Stede drew back and Ed crashed their mouths back together, tongues and teeth, hot desperation leaking back in. They broke long enough to pull off their shirts, coming back together skin to skin, and it felt like goddamn heaven. There was no other word for it.

Stede’s hands moved to his waist, tugging at the studded black belt. “This okay?”

Ed nodded, mind blank of anything that wasn’t Stede, Stede, Stede. “So fucking okay.”

And then Stede was on his knees, his fingers deftly working open the belt, then button, and finally the zipper. Ed watched, gazing down at him enraptured, as Stede pulled his pants down his thighs and leaned in, pressing his open mouth against Ed’s clothed, achingly hard cock. Stede’s eyes shot up to him and Ed had to steady himself with a hand to the blonde’s shoulder when he pulled Ed’s boxers down and wrapped a hand around his length.

If Edward had been on his way to falling for Stede already, the last few minutes had solidified it— Love at first blowjob.

Not that it was his actual first one, or even his first good one, but this— Stede on his knees on the floor in front of him, shirt off, lips stretched around his cock as he took him deeper, tongue working Ed over like it was his goddamn job, those ocean eyes blacked out with lust and glistening with tears— this was a religious fucking experience.

“Holy fuck, star boy—” Ed gasped, his hands like a vice in Stede’s hair, guiding but not controlling. “W-where the hell did you learn to suck dick?”

Stede pulled off with a slick, obscene sound that was almost enough to make Ed come on its own. He looked debauched, mouth swollen, hair mussed, as he gazed up at Ed.

“Boarding school.” He shrugged like it should have been obvious. Then, he clasped a hand to Ed’s thigh and took him down to the root, nose to belly.

Ed’s cock hit the back of Stede’s throat and his eyes rolled back as his head lulled, cracking against the door. “Oh God, I— fuck— you— you’re—” He didn’t know what he wanted to say— amazing, beautiful, mine? “Perfect,” he breathed, and it was the truth. “You’re fucking perfect— fuck, fuck— please.”

The moan that rattled out of Stede vibrated through him and he sobbed another plea, hips trying to jerk forward but held in place by strong hands. Stede’s movements sped up, sloppy and eager, humming and moaning around Ed’s cock in his mouth. Pleasure cascaded through him, hot flames licking in his veins, down to his belly, coiling tighter and tighter with each stroke of Stede’s sinful mouth on him, and he knew he couldn’t hold on much longer.

“Stede,” he panted, tugging gently to try and get the blonde’s attention but Stede didn’t relent. “Shit, fuck— Stede!”

He tugged again, tapping his fingers, and Stede pulled back, hand catching Ed’s dick and stroking like the pro that he obviously was.

“Come on my face.”

Ed snapped his head down, locking eyes with Stede once more. He couldn’t form words, just stare at this absolutely filthy maniac with a look of shocked pleasure on his face, his orgasm on the threshold, knees weak.

“Mess me up, baby.”

Ed tumbled over the edge with a sharp curse, gaze locked on Stede as he painted his beautiful face with his release, shuddering all the way down to his soul.

“Something’s wrong with you,” Ed giggled, still riding the high as he finished wiping up the last of his mess with a damp cloth he’d retrieved from the bathroom, legs crossed in front of him on the floor across from Stede.

Stede was grinning at him when he pulled the cloth away and tossed it toward the laundry in the kitchen. “You didn’t like it?”

“Fucking loved it,” he said, planting a chaste kiss to Stede’s lips. “Want me to return the favor?”

“You want me to come on your face now?” Stede cocked an amused eyebrow at him, and God, was he fucking something.

Ed scoot himself closer, throwing his legs over Stede’s and leaning in. “Not exactly what I had in mind.” He ran a hand up the blonde’s chest, settling it at the back of his neck, and Stede slid his hands onto Ed’s bare thighs, pants abandoned next to the door.

Stede’s eyes dropped to his mouth. “Yeah? What were you thinking, then?”

“Hmm,” Ed hummed, running his thumb over Stede’s bottom lip and watching his mouth fall open. “Thinking I suck you off now,” he pulled Stede in by the neck and brushed their lips together, “then we take a nap, and when we wake up…” Ed flicked his tongue out over Stede’s still swollen lips. “I fuck you till you can’t remember your own name.”

Maybe all of Luke’s ‘lessons’ were paying off after all? Where the hell had that come from?

Stede moaned an answer into Ed’s mouth, as he opened to Ed, pliant and accepting, and he could taste himself on Stede’s tongue. It was heady and dizzying, and he almost got lost in it, in Stede, again, until the blonde pulled back looking unsure for the first time tonight.

Ed’s stomach plummeted.

“Unless you didn’t want to stay. Which is cool. I didn’t mean to assume. I just figured— since you— when I asked before. But it’s—” Ed rambled until Stede pressed a finger to his lips silencing him.

“It’s not that.” Ed raised his eyebrows and Stede dropped his hand. “I’ve just never… done… that. Before.”

“Oh… but you—” Ed’s brow pinched together trying to understand and Stede widened his eyes, biting his lip. “Oh. Oh. I mean…” Ed breathed out roughly. “Um, yeah. Okay…” That was a little bit to process, but it wasn’t a deal breaker. He leaned back, letting Stede go to brace himself with a hand to the floor.

Stede glanced at the door. “Okay,” he stood up, “I’ll just—” He took a step towards the door.

“Huh?” Ed looked up at him. “Hey, wait.” He grabbed Stede’s hand and Stede stopped, turning to look back at him. “No.”

“No?”

Ed huffed and tried to tug Stede back down. “No, I mean— No, don’t leave.” Stede narrowed his eyes at him. “Unless that’s what you want. I just—” Ed pushed himself off the floor, still holding Stede’s hand. “I don’t want you to go. Not yet.”

“You don’t?” Stede sounded a little breathless in his confusion. “Even if—”

Ed tugged his hand again and this time Stede let himself be moved. Ed circled Stede’s waist with his arms. “We can go as fast or slow as you want. Or not at all. Just, please stay with me.”

Some hookup this was turning out to be. But he meant it, every word, surprising even himself. He didn’t want Stede to leave, even if all they did was sleep. Because him being there at all was better than the alternative. And it was almost frightening how quickly Ed felt like he needed him.

Stede’s gaze wandered his face trying to work something out, a tentative look in his eye. He chewed the inside of his lip for a minute considering and then said, “On one condition.”

Ed nodded once. “I’m listening…”

“You let me take you on a real date. Tomorrow. I’m assuming you don’t have work since it’s after midnight and you were out partying.”

Ed took a second to let it sink in. Stede wanted to take him on a date, not just give him an amazing blowjob, which was unexpected but not unwelcome. He didn’t want to come off too eager though, even if the thought of a date with this star made his insides melt entirely.

“It’s senior week,” Ed smirked.

“So, what time do you get off then?” Stede was serious about this.

“I don’t work,” Ed grinned.

“So am I staying or not?” Stede challenged with a roll of his eyes, trying to look annoyed and failing miserably, a soft smile threatening at the corner of his mouth.

Ed laughed. “Do I get to pick what we do?” Teasing seemed effective in making Stede more adorable by the minute.

“Nope.” Stede shook his head, looping his arms around Ed’s neck “And this limited-time offer is about to expire. So what’ll it be, Edward?”

“Can we at least get Taffy?” Ed pouted and Stede finally laughed.

“Cheap date,” he said. “Sure. For you.”

Ed kissed him, how could he not at this point?

“Were you gonna leave without your shirt?” He asked when they broke apart again, eyes dropping to Stede’s bared chest.

Stede looked down at himself. “Would’ve given me a reason to see you again,” he shrugged, giving Ed one of his bright smiles and, lord in heaven, he was completely gone on this guy already. “Star boy?”

“Oh, uh…” Ed pushed a piece of hair behind Stede’s ear. “It’s what I was calling you in my head before I knew your name.”

Stede narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

“Because you shine.”

Iris, Goo Goo Dolls, 1998

Chapter Text

Raindrops pelted the roof of the car as he turned off of Cambridge Beltway, heading downtown. There was a solace in storms that Edward had come to appreciate, a mutual understanding that both he and the sky had come to. You’re my sky. The clouds provided the tears so Edward didn't have to shed them, and he supplied the reasons for it to cry.

Edward had woken this morning with the remnants of one of his dreams, a kaleidoscope of inky images pressed to the insides of his eyelids that he wasn't able to blink away. He'd told himself that he wasn't going to let it drag him through the mud today though, that he would use the electricity of the exposed nerve ends to spur him on. Remembering wasn't bad. It allowed him to convalesce from the guilt, appreciate his own growth, and put value on the moments that had been pivotal to bringing him here. He hadn't always made the best choices, but that didn't mean they weren't important.

It was the song that had flipped the switch in the end, opening the floodgates for more to surface, and drowning him in tides of regret that he worked so hard to keep dammed. I have nothing if I don’t have you. It wasn't the memory attached specifically either, as it was a happy one, but the knowledge that in that moment he'd had something that he would lose. The knowing and the understanding, and the dozens of untethered emotions attached to it all had climbed inside of the hole in his heart and taken root, and Edward knew that if he let it fester too long the monster inside him would incubate there till it burst from his gut ready to tear things apart. Again.

Over the years, he had run over the same set of circumstances and choices a million times over, considering what he could have done differently to get a better outcome. He had driven himself to panic attacks overthinking, spiraled down increasingly darker holes. But when everything was said and done, which it was, had been for decades, he knew that to change a single thing would be cataclysmic. Even if he could go back, he wouldn't want to, not now that he had come so far. But sometimes he couldn’t stop himself from wishing, regretting, wanting.

Edward parked his Toyota in one of the public lots and climbed out, umbrella already in his hand to be activated before the rain could hit his head. The pizzeria on Race Street wasn't his favorite but he thought it a better choice than the coffee shop when he was already feeling so on edge. Plus, he knew Anne would never turn down a free basket of wings, his treat; not that she would ever deny him a lunch date anyway.

He spotted her immediately, sat at one of the high topped cafe tables in the bar area, red hair like a beacon in the storm. Anne may have lost her bouncing curls years before, but she still radiated the same youthful energy she had when they were eighteen. She lifted a hand to him, eyes crinkling at the edges with her wide smile, the second she saw him come through the doorway.

"Hey, baby," she said, pulling him in for a hug and placing a kiss to his cheek. "Which song was it this time?"

2002, Anne Marie, 2018

Edward’s alarm went off at 6:30 a.m. just like it did every other day. Except today, when he woke to the sounds of summer, golden light pouring into his room, and he opened his eyes to the world, he felt whole in a way he never had before. Because today he woke to soft, warm skin pressed to his chest, tucked beneath his arm, his face buried into a pile of curls.

Today— this random Thursday morning in June, he woke to Stede, and his life would never be the same again.

True to his word, Ed had followed Stede’s lead the night before— hot chocolate and popcorn on the floor of the kitchen while they talked. He discovered that Stede was more than just a pretty face, he was brilliant and funny and kind, and Ed was in serious trouble of falling head over heels. Which wouldn’t have been such a terrible thing if they had met in the fall, but it was summer, at the beach, and both of them would be leaving in a few weeks to go back to their real lives; Stede all the way back to Connecticut and Ed to college. It was a hard pill to swallow, learning that Stede wasn’t even from Maryland, but he’d left it at that, understanding that whatever this became, it was just for now.

A summer fling may have been exactly what he’d needed anyways.

Around two in the morning, Luke stumbled into the apartment, a guy named Pete he’d met once or twice at parties, in tow, and Ed had promptly suggested he and Stede move to his bedroom before the whipped cream came out. Stede had enthusiastically agreed, Ed had hoped for more than one reason, and they retired to his room with a quick goodnight to Luke and Pete, Luke giving him a thumbs up as he shut the door behind them.

Ed had lost his breath when Stede climbed in bed beside him in only his boxers and gold chain and reached for Ed under the sheets. His touch was slow and reverent, and when he kissed Ed it was lukewarm and fireworks all at once. Ed was careful not to push, asking before he changed pace, keeping himself at a low simmer until Stede breathed, “touch me” against his lips.

What came next was a slow drip, molasses tapped, tooth-achingly sweet, each touch deliberate and thoughtful, and Ed knew that he was gone with the first sound Stede made. He would have wanted to watch if he could have, to see the way his hand moved over Stede that pulled such a symphony from his lips, but the room was too dark and Ed was too focused on watching Stede’s face, kissing his lips, learning him.

Ed silenced his screeching alarm as quickly as he could, trying to prevent Stede from waking and bringing their time together to an end, but Stede stirred next to him, woken by the jostling of the mattress as Ed tried to extricate himself from Stede’s arms begrudgingly.

“Hey,” Stede said, still hazy with sleep.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

“Good morning.” And Ed couldn’t stop the smile in his voice matching the one on his face.

Stede smiled back lazily. “What time is it?” he asked through a yawn he tried to stifle with a hand to his mouth.

Ed settled himself back down into the warmth, rolling to face Stede. “Sorry, uh— it’s 6:30. I forgot to turn my alarm off. I was trying not to wake you.”

Stede shrugged, stretching out his sleep-weary muscles. “It’s okay. I have to get back soon anyway.” He sat up, leaning over the edge of the bed and Ed felt the rattle of disappointment in his chest.

“Oh. Oh, yeah,” Ed nodded, pushing himself up too.

Stede turned back to him, pants in hand. “Soon,” he laughed sweetly before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Ed’s lips, “not now. Just need to pee, didn’t want to scandalize your roommate.” He lifted the pants with a smile.

What did it mean that within less than 24 hours, Stede could already read him so accurately?

“Right,” Ed huffed a laugh, kicking himself for letting Stede see the sheer neediness he felt. “And I’m not sure there’s anything Luke would be scandalized by. A hot guy half naked in the bathroom definitely isn’t on the list though.”

Stede stood, pulling on his pants. “Oh yeah?” He looked over at Ed, eyebrow quirked. “That happen often?”

“Daily, actually.” Stede lifted his other brow, the side of his mouth quirking and Ed realized what that must sound like. “Shit— No, not— His hookups— Luke, not— I don’t—”

Stede grinned, amused. “I know. Well, I mean…” He put a knee on the bed and leaned in. “I don’t know but, I knew what you meant.” Stede kissed him again, a tender press of lips that lingered. “You think I’m hot?” he asked, giddy, when he pulled back.

“Was that not obvious?” Ed breathed between them, a smile playing on his lips, unable to help himself. God, he was so fucked.

“Maybe a little,” Stede flashed a toothy grin and pulled away fully. “Might need a little more convincing though.” And then the bastard winked.

If it had been up to Ed, they would have climbed back into his bed and stayed there for the remainder of the day, wrapped up in each other. Unfortunately, it wasn’t up to him, and he had already occupied quite a bit of Stede’s time, so he did the one thing he knew to do and he made breakfast. If that meant that Stede stayed around a little bit longer, then so be it, you wouldn’t hear him complaining.

Their food selections were still pretty limited though, Ed having stocked the fridge only twice before he realized Luke had been right, it was easier to eat on the go. So, eggs and jelly toast it was. Nothing elaborate, but it would do the trick.

It was a good choice too. Stede tasted like strawberry, his lips the slightest bit sticky, when Ed kissed him goodbye at the door an hour later.

“Out front of Ripley’s,” Stede said, pulling on his varsity jacket and adjusting the collar. ED nodded in acknowledgment. Stede had already told him twice. “5 o’clock.”

Ed nodded again, stepping in closer, as Stede reached for the doorknob preparing to go. “I’ll be there, star boy. Promise.”

Stede nodded once, stepping forward and tipping his head up expectantly. Ed leaned in, as natural as if they did it every day, and kissed him for the third time in the last five minutes.

“Maybe I should leave something behind,” Stede whispered against his lips. “Just in case.”

“Leave yourself behind and then you won’t have to come back looking later,” Ed laughed, tugging him in by the collar to brush their noses together.

“You’ll never get your taffy that way,” Stede teased, and it was easy. Being with Stede was just easy.

“Good point.” Ed gave him one last quick peck on the cheek and pushed him away. “You better get going then.”

“I see where your priorities lie,” Stede snickered, pulling open the door to step out.

Ed braced one hand against the door frame, the other holding onto the edge of the door as he leaned out to yell at Stede as he walked away. “Taffy and I have a complicated relationship, but I’m willing to reconsider my devotions for the right person.”

Stede rounded the railing to the stairs and stopped. “Challenge accepted,” he grinned cheekily, and then he was gone, golden curls vanishing below the deck.

Ed pushed the door closed and leaned into it, forehead pressing into the cool wood. What was he supposed to do for the next nine hours? Stede hadn’t even been gone a whole 30 seconds and he was already feeling the pang in his heart.

“Oh, thank God,” Luke drawled behind him and Ed jumped, spinning around. “There’s coffee.”

Ed huffed, taking in the nude form of his roommate standing in the kitchen pouring himself a cup of black coffee.

“Do you think you could maybe not walk around with your dick out all the time?” he asked, rolling his eyes, as he moved to the table to start cleaning up from breakfast.

Luke reached up and grabbed the dishtowel from the edge of the sink, holding it loosely over his crotch, as he sipped from his mug. Ed rolled his eyes, tossing the handful of dishes in the sink and turning on the water.

“So…” Luke prompted, leaning back against the counter, “give me all the details. I bet that mouth was like a fucking vacuum.” He waggled his eyebrows with another sip.

“I’m not discussing this with you, Luke.” He lathered up a sponge and picked up a plate to start washing it, keeping his eyes resolutely on his task and away from Luke.

The mug clunked onto the countertop. “All of the hard work I put in to get you laid and you’re going to deprive me?” Ed set the plate aside and picked up another dish ignoring him. “For shame!”

“You picking out my shirt does not qualify you to know about my sex life.”

He watched Luke shifting in his periphery, setting aside the mug to slide in beside Ed at the sink. “You poor, sweet summer child. Yes, as a matter of fact, it does. Actually, it entitles me to a lot more than that, as your mentor.”

Ed dropped the dish he was washing into the sink and turned off the water. “I’m going back to bed.” He reached for the dish towel, coming up empty, and his eyes flickered to Luke automatically, remembering.

Luke waved the towel where it was still clutched in his hand covering his dick. “Need this?” he asks, a smug smile on his face as he brings his coffee mug to his mouth again.

Ed shook the water from his hands instead. “Pass. Thanks.”

“Sure, babe,” Luke called after him as he headed for his, now very empty and lonely, bedroom. “What about a wake-up call?” Ed hesitated, turning back with a pinched brow. “Heard everything,” Luke informed, “and I mean…everything.”

“Ugh, I can’t fucking stand you,” Ed ran a hand down his face.

Luke shrugged. “Sex and a date? I’d say you owe me one. Or two. Or fifty.”

“Great. Take it out of my check,” he said over his shoulder, finishing the trek to his room.

“Ah, to be young and in love again,” Luke mused from behind him.

Ed paused in the doorway to look back at him. Love. “You’re only 23. And I’m not in love. It’s one date.”

Luke shot him a knowing look and shook the towel again, grinning like the idiot that he was. “¡Ole!”

Ed rolled his eyes, grunting his annoyance, as he shut his bedroom door, ending the interaction. He could hear Luke cackling at himself in the kitchen as he climbed back under the covers, reaching out to the cold, empty spot next to him, heart doing a little shiver in his chest.

He was not in love. He could have a summer fling and not fall in love. Stede was great, yeah, but the summer would end before they knew it and they’d never see each other again. He wasn’t going to let himself get attached, much less fall in love.

Ed rolled over, burying his face in the pillow to try and sleep off the feelings working their way under his skin. It smelled like Stede.

Fuck.

“Fuck—” he whispered to himself.

What's Luv, Fat Joe & Ashanti, 2002

Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum

Ed was not nervous. His stomach wasn’t filled with butterflies and his head didn’t feel all floaty. Yes, this was, maybe, his first real date with a guy that he actually, kinda, liked, but he wasn’t feeling any sort of way about it. At all.

None of those things were happening, and therefore, they weren’t the reason that he had spent an hour tossing clothes all over his room trying to find something cool to wear, and another hour making sure his hair was perfect. They weren’t the reason that his hands were shaking either, pushed into the pockets of his black jeans to keep them hidden as he walked casually down the boardwalk towards the Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum. Ed had no expectations or hopes for how the night would go because this was just some summer fun. So he was going to have fun with it and definitely, definitely, not think about what his life would be like if Stede was in it.

Stede was wearing a short-sleeved grey Henley and black jeans, his white Nikes freshly polished, sandy curls blowing in the warm evening breeze, as he leaned back against the Ripley’s building under the shark tail, eyes darting through the crowd. Ed had to remind the not-butterflies in his stomach that Stede was just a guy and this was just a date that didn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

Then, Stede spotted him approaching, eyes running over his exposed tattoos as if it was the first time he’d seen them and he hadn’t spent the night tracing them with his tongue, and Ed forgot to remember that he definitely wasn’t falling in love.

Stede kicked off the wall and met him halfway with his star-shine smile. “Hey,” he said, teeth finding the edge of his lip to chew.

He looked a bit nervous, eyes bouncing from Ed’s face to the crowded boardwalk and back. It made him seem shyer than Ed knew he was.  He was cute.

Ed wanted to kiss him.

Was he allowed to kiss him when he wanted to? This was their first date, even though less than 24 hours ago Stede had asked him to come on his face. Plus, he shouldn’t feel so comfortable with the idea of kissing Stede, it seemed too intimate for two people who needed to maintain a certain level of distance.

Right, so no kissing.

“Hey,” Ed reached out and pulled at the hem of the Henley. “I like this.”

Stede glanced down and a small blush rose on his cheeks. “Thanks,” he said scuffing his foot lightly. “I like…” he looked up, waving a hand around to indicate Ed as a whole, “this.”

They both pulled back, laughing, and a beat passed where they both seemed to be considering what to do next.

Maybe Ed should kiss him.

“So,” Stede finally spoke up, “what do you wanna do first?”

“Thought I didn’t get to pick?” Ed teased with a grin.

“Oh, you don’t.” Stede shook his head. “I just meant do you want your taffy now or later?”

Ed shifted closer. “Was hoping for something I little more filling later.” He dropped his eyes to Stede lips, watching the smile pass over them, and then pulled back.

“Taffy now, then,” Stede said with a wink, stepping around Ed to head toward Candy Kitchen.

So, compliments made him blush, but sexual propositions were okay? Got it.

“You coming?”

Ed turned and Stede was smiling at him a few feet away, waiting. “For taffy? Always.”

Ed caught up and they fell into step next to each other.

“Not for me?” Stede threw him a smirk.

“Told you already, my love affair with Taffy is long and deeply rooted. You’re competing with my first love, man.” Ed almost regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, but when he looked over Stede was watching him, the softness in his eyes obvious.

“I’m willing to take my chances.”

Happy, Ashanti, 2002

Candy Kitchen

“What flavor do you want?”

Stede pointed at the assortments of taffy there was to choose from, leaning over the bins to get a better look for himself.

“Orange. Or lemon. Or lime.” Ed scanned over his options. “All of them?” He glanced at Stede with a questioning grin.

“A citrus man? Huh. Thought you would have gone for the chocolate. You can have whatever you want though,” Stede gave him a soft smile back, straightening up to watch Ed decide.

Ed shook his head with a laugh, eyes pointed back at the candy. “You’re going to regret that.”

Stede picked up a prepackaged box and shook it. “Probably not,” he said, tossing the box back onto the table.

Ed pushed his hands into his pockets and rocked into Stede’s side. “You have no idea how much taffy I can eat. It gets expensive.”

“You have no idea how much I can afford.” Stede raised his eyebrows at him. “I enjoy spoiling my dates.”

It was a joke. He could eat a lot of taffy, probably more than was wise, but he’d meant it to be flirty banter, not an actual challenge.

Ed wet his lips unconsciously and watched as Stede followed the swipe of his tongue with his eyes.

“So I can have…anything that I want?” he asked as flirtatiously as he could, letting his eyes drag over Stede’s frame. It sounded sexual. He meant for it to sound sexual. But his heart did a little flutter at the thought that Stede could be his in other ways if he wanted.

Nope.

He needed to divert course right back to summer fling and away from I could fall in love with you.

Stede bit his lip and nodded.  “I think so.”

“Anything at all?” Ed stepped in a little closer

Stede’s eyes ran over him and he shrugged. “Why not?”

He leaned forward, forcing Stede to tip his head back to look at him. “No limits?”

“None.” The word escaped Stede in a breathless rush and Ed noticed the way his eyes were growing darker, even under the fluorescent lights.

Back on track.

“In that case…” Ed reached into one of the bins and held up a small round taffy, tapping it against his lips. “I want a kiss.”

Stede looked a bit hazy, eyes clouded in lust, as he gazed at Ed holding the candy as a barricade between their lips. “Right now?”

Stede watched with eager interest as Ed pulled the candy away. “Right now,” he whispered, then lifted the candy he’d rid of its wrapper moments before and popped it in his mouth chewing. Stede looked thoroughly confused, eyes flitting between Ed’s self-satisfied grin and his hands. “Peppermint,” Ed tapped the sign on the bin he’d pulled the candy from that read, Peppermint Kiss.

“You—” Stede pulled his gaze from the sign back to Ed’s face, “kinda suck, actually,” he huffed fondly.

Ed grinned wider, taffy bulging in his cheek. “Maybe later.”

And this time, he got to watch Stede’s exasperated face when Ed winked at him before walking away.

Summer fling, not I could fall in love with you.

Into Deep, Sum 41, 2002

Big Wheel, Jolly Rogers on the Pier

“I’m not sure how I feel about this.”

Ed ran his eyes up to the top of the Ferris Wheel, watching the swaying of the gondolas as it came to a stop. It wasn’t that he was scared of heights, per se, just that anything that went that high and rocked that much, anyone should be wary of.

“Are you scared?” Stede chuckled, poking him in the ribs with a finger. “Don’t tell me the tattooed, pierced, all-black outfit goth is scared of a little Ferris Wheel.”

Ed scrunched in to protect his ribs from the attack and pushed Stede’s hand away with a laugh. “Okay, number one— I am not a goth. Who even says that anymore?” Stede raised his eyebrows at him, lips quirking to the side. “Number two— I am definitely not scared. What kind of goth is scared of death?”

Ed smirked and Stede rolled his eyes affectionately, which had absolutely no effect on Ed at all, obviously.

“That’s too bad,” Stede hummed as they stepped forward in line and Ed flicked his gaze over nervously. “Would have given me an excuse to hold your hand.”

A hurricane of butterflies ravaged his stomach as Stede glanced over at him shyly again, and— okay, what the fuck was he supposed to do with that? This guy, who had given him one of the top 3 blowjobs of his life (it was honestly number 1 out of the 3) and then asked him to come on his face, was blushing about holding his fucking hand, and it was a thousand percent the hottest thing that anyone had ever said to him. He had to be losing his mind, because what was even happening right now?

“Next!” the ride operator yelled and Ed moved to enter the ride when Stede’s hand caught him by the elbow.

“We don’t have to if you really don’t want.”

Stede’s eyes sparkled, reflecting the multicolored lights of the carnival rides and Ed knew in that moment that no matter how hard he tried to convince himself this was just a summer fling, he was fighting a losing battle.

He reached out his hand to Stede. “And deprive you of the opportunity to hold my hand? Never.”

No star in the sky could ever compare to the way Stede shined when the smile broke on his face and he slid his hand into Ed’s.

When they reached the top, the gondola swinging gently in the warm summer breeze, Ed tucked into Stede’s side and let himself be held.  He never looked out over the side, even with his hand firmly held in Stede’s the whole time.

That was fine though.

Everything he wanted was right there.

Inside Out, Eve 6, 1998

Thrasher's French Fries

“The only legit way to eat Thrashers is with malt vinegar.”

Stede made a face at him and reached for a bottle of ketchup as they passed another stand.

“I swear to God, if you put ketchup on those fries I will end this date right now,” Ed threatened, hand hovering over his own tub of fries.

Stede put the ketchup back down and held out his hand. “Let me try before I make a commitment like that.”

Collide, Howie Day, 2003

The sun was below the horizon, a sky of orange and pink laid out in front of them splashed with wisps of purple. The tide ebbed and flowed, waves hitting the sand with a slow, unrushed need that matched the one cresting slowly inside of Ed. If he’d had any expectations of what today was going to be, the reality of it would have far exceeded them.

Last night, Ed had learned that Stede was kind and smart and funny, rolled up in a blonde package of hot, confident, and sexy. He had wanted to learn all of the little details that people often do when they are interested in exploring a future with the other person, but Ed had pulled the reins on his full gallop toward love when the reality of their situation had hit him square in the face.

Tonight, however, Ed had gained the slightest of further details about Stede— he didn’t like taffy, but did like vinegar on his fries; he didn’t mind heights and even thought of it as an adventure to be a little scared sometimes; but he also appreciated and desired small shows of affection, like holding hands. He was confident enough in himself and his abilities to talk liberally about sex, but blushed at the smallest compliment or praise (which Ed felt like he could do something with honestly). And Ed, without any further hesitation, had dived headfirst off the cliff toward the rocks that were surely going to shatter him.

He knew that if he let this thing between them become more, attached emotions or hopes to it, that he was very likely going to be crushed when things inevitably came to an end. And yet, he wasn’t able to prevent himself from wanting to let it happen if it meant that he got to have Stede all to himself just for this little while.

The beach had long grown deserted, the lights from the rides at the end of the boardwalk casting long shadows onto the sand when the sun finally disappeared below the waves and the moon hung low in a clear sky full of stars.

Ed tossed away the last of their fries into a bin, skipping quickly in the path of the trolley before it rolled by them. On the other side of the boardwalk, Stede waited patiently under the glow of the shop lights that cast a halo around his head.

For a moment they locked eyes across the crowd and that strange sense of déjà vu hit Ed again; an intensely overwhelming feeling that he had been here before and that Stede was some celestial body that he was orbiting around; a supernova. His supernova. And somehow, he knew that the path they were set on was an apocalyptic one. Then, it passed, as quick as it came, and the only thing he could see was the north star pointing his way home.

Stede’s hand was warm and familiar in his own when he pulled Ed down onto the beach and into the sand under the cover of night.

“Here,” he said, pulling an iPod and headphones from his pocket, and offering the left ear to Ed. “I think you’ll like this.” Stede shuffled through his song selections, the screen hidden from Ed’s view, and he accepted the offered earpiece, tucking it into his ear. “It just…makes me think of you,” Stede shrugged and Ed waited with bated breath, half a dozen questions swirling in his mind.

Ed stalled, looking over to watch the expression on Stede’s face when he realized what song he had selected. Ed knew this song, he’d listened to it on repeat when the CD first came out, taken with the melancholic melody and lyrics that spoke to him.

For so long he had felt trapped in a life that he was not meant for, in a world that didn’t understand him, and all he craved was the freedom to be who he was on his terms. He had felt alone and adrift, surrounded by many and loved by none. Ed had been a ghost in his own story, and this song had given him the words to express it and the courage to change it. But Stede couldn’t have known any of that.

“Why?” Ed whispered tentatively, unsure if he wanted to know the answer. “Why does this song make you think of me?”

Stede’s smile was hopeful and warm as he gazed over Ed’s face.

“Moon,” he said simply, and Ed blinked at him, not understanding but taken with the raw wonder in Stede’s eyes. He shifted so he was facing Stede in the sand and Stede mirrored him before he spoke again. “You’re like the moon in some ways, I think— eclipsing the things about yourself that you think other people will think burn too bright. That’s why you wear so much black, isn’t it?”

Ed stared at him, not knowing what to say to such an accurate reading from a person that barely knew him.

His uncertainty must have read on his face because Stede moved closer and went on.

“You are so much more than that though, Ed. And, yeah, I get that we just met but— this is going to sound so fucking weird— I can just feel it.”

 His gaze was piercing, and Ed felt suddenly torn open, exposed. Stede touched his face gently, so fucking gently that Ed thought he was going to cry.

His voice quivered a little when he spoke. “The night feels so lonely though. I—” Ed took a deep breath and focused his eyes on Stede. “I don’t want to be the night.”

Stede smiled at him. “The night isn’t alone; it has the stars.”

“‘The sky dreams of stars,’” he murmured, repeating the quote he couldn’t remember the author of.

“Do you dream of stars, Edward?”

The sound of his name in Stede’s mouth made him breathless. “Only one.”

Stede’s hands found his hair and he climbed into Ed’s lap, tilting back his head to kiss the words out of Ed’s mouth like he needed to taste them to know that they were real.

I Am the Highway, Audioslave, 2002

Chapter Text

It wasn’t the first time that Anne had needed to talk him off the proverbial edge, and it was unlikely to be the last. She took it all in stride too, every single time. She had never turned down an invitation to meet or complained about his 3 a.m. calls. She listened without interruption or judgment, only gave advice when he asked for it, and never, ever once told him he was wrong for how he felt.

Edward honestly didn’t know what he would do without her. If you had told him twenty years ago he would call Anne his best friend, he would have laughed in your face.

“Alright,” Anne said pushing her basket of buffalo wings to the center of the table and taking a sip of her Coke. “Enough small talk. What’s going on?”

Ed fidgeted with the straw in his root beer, avoiding her eyes. “Same shit, different day,” he shrugged.

She leaned forward with her arms on the table. “Yeah, so, let’s talk about it.”

Edward sighed, leaning back and running a shaking hand through his hair. ‘Let’s talk’ really meant him talking and her listening, which is why he had called her in the first place, but now that they were there and Anne had her big green eyes focused on him, he wasn’t feeling as confident about what he wanted to say.

Anne fixed him with one of her looks and leaned back in her chair, arms crossed over her chest.

“Fine,” Edward started. “I’ve just been thinking—” He took a breath, letting his eyes wander over their setting. “What if tried looking for him? Just this one last time.”

“You said that last time.” There was no judgment in her voice, just concern, and she leaned forward again, elbows resting on the table. “Is that what you want to do?”

“Yes.” He swallowed. “No?” He huffed, dragging his hand down the stubble he was too distracted to shave off earlier “I don’t know, maybe,” he finally admitted.

“Okay. And what if you can’t find him?” Anne pressed her lips together, worry thick in her voice.

They’d been here before, more times than he was willing to admit, and she had every right to be worried about where it would lead.

Edward tore a corner off his napkin, rubbing the bits between his fingers. “Go on with my life. Keep trying to move on.”

Anne shakes her head but says, “Alright, yeah. Makes sense.” She was trying, but Edward could tell she didn’t believe him. He wasn’t sure he believed him either, all the evidence pointing to the contrary. Anne took another drink of her soda and shook the cubes around, looking down into her glass. “And what if you do find him?”

What if, what if, what if. Did he even know how to answer that?

Edward rocked forward and back in his seat, before clasping his hands together to control their trembling and placing them on the table.

“Honestly? I don’t know” He shook his head and Anne nodded in response. “Try not to think that far ahead.”

“I get it. I really do, Ed, but…” Anne put her glass down and sighed. “If you’re going to do this, you need to have a plan for—” She bit her lip considering her words and then reached for his hands, putting both of hers over them. “I got you, always, and you know that. But you need to think about what happens if you find him and he doesn’t want to see you.”

“Yeah. Or if he does just so he can tell me to fuck off again. Which honestly, I deserve.” Anne gives him an empathetic look but doesn’t disagree. “I think I need to try though, regardless of the outcome. Good or bad, I need closure on this.”

Anne took a deep breath in, giving his hands a squeeze before she pulled them away.” I guess you have your answer then.” She may not agree. She may worry. But she would never tell him he was wrong. She plucked the dessert menu from between the ketchup and hot sauce. “Now…time to overdose ourselves on chocolate,” she said, handing the menu to him.

Edward pulled it from her hand. Maybe it would be okay and maybe it would be shit, it was certainly the more likely of the two options, but either way, he would be okay. And if somehow it turned out he wasn't, at least he knew he would still have her.

“I love you, Anne.”

She grinned at him. “I know, asshole. I love you, too.”

It was futile.

By the first week of July Ed knew.

And by the first week of August, he needed Stede to know too.

The summer had been a whirlwind— good people, strong drinks, late nights, and Stede. It was everything he’d come for times a million. Never could he have predicted he would find someone who understood him so completely. Someone who could see through his emotional armor, break down his walls and set him ablaze. He never saw it coming, shrouded in a cloud of his own making, he was blindsided by one thing he wasn’t looking for— love.

Every laugh. Every touch. Every kiss. Every time Stede slid his hand into his. Every time he smiled at Ed. Every time he’d tugged Ed into his bedroom, or pushed him into the sand, or took him apart in one of a million ways.

This brilliant, beautiful, shining star.

His star.

His supernova.

All of it an unspoken truth. And Ed needed to speak it before it ate him alive.

He was absolutely fucking terrified.

Stede shut the door behind him quietly, but Ed was already awake pondering his fate.

Stede had all but taken residence at the apartment in the last few weeks, staying there more than he was at the rental house that his parents had rented him and a few of his soccer buddies for the summer. Ed hadn’t met any of these so-called friends or asked why they were vacationing in Maryland, but it was inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Stede was here, he was in Ed’s bed, and if the other guys cared that Stede wasn’t partying the time away with them, Stede didn’t seem to give a shit.

“Hey,” Stede smiled softly, as he came back into the room, curls askew from where Ed had twisted them into his fingers the night before. He was still shirtless, a pair of Ed’s sweats slung low on his hips, eyes puffy with sleep in the golden hue of early morning, and he was perfect.

“Hi,” he replied, voice husky with sleep, rolling on his side to face Stede as he climbed into the bed.

“Was trying to let you sleep in. I put coffee on.” Stede ran a hand through Ed’s hair. It had grown out enough that it was falling into his eyes, weighing down his ringlets into wispy tendrils.

The touch was gentle, tender, loving.

Fuck—

“Thanks.” He swallowed, all of the words he wanted to say sitting in his throat.

They still hadn’t defined their relationship, the understanding that they would have to say goodbye in a few short weeks sitting heavily over them but never spoken aloud. Which was why he needed to do this now before he ran out of time. He had no idea what this would mean for them, for this thing that went without a label between them, but he knew if didn’t do it he would always wonder.

“What you wanna do today? I was thinking we could go out to that cowboy place outside of town.” Ed propped himself on his elbow, head in his hand, watching the way Stede’s face shifted with joy and enthusiasm. “The one where they like, rob you or whatever.” Stede lit up like the fucking sun as he talked, and holy shit, Ed was infatuated, obsessed, completely and wholly—

“I love you!” The words tumbled from his mouth, pulled out of him in a tsunami of emotion that was threatening to drown him. Stede froze, mouth fallen open, shock flashing like lightning across his face. And, oh no. Oh fuck, maybe he’d jumped the gun on all of this. “I mean—” Ed tried to backtrack, “I’ve been thinking and, you know— I like having you around, and I know the summer is almost over, but—”

“Shut up,” Stede said, a hand to his chest pushing him down into the mattress to straddle his hips.

Their lips connected but it wasn’t the fiery passion Ed was used to. It was slow and sweet, and Stede tasted like hope.

He drew back, running his fingers over ED’s lips, and his smile had never been brighter than it was in the moment. “I love you, too,” he whispered, speaking it into existence, making it a spoken truth that couldn’t be denied.

“So…cowboys, huh? Is that an ass-less chaps thing, or…” ED teased just before the pillow was yanked from beneath his head and slammed into his face.

“Maybe,” Stede giggled, pulling the pillow back above his head for another attack, “but we should probably check it out for science.”

Yellow, Coldplay, 2000

~*~

What Stede wanted…Stede got.

Ed was powerless to deny him anything. Even if it was going to Frontier Town in August, families as far as the eye could see and not an assless chap in sight— Ed indulged every whim.

They spent the day watching cheesy reenactments of shootouts, attending the saloon show of cancan dancers, and riding a train that would be robbed by fake bandits. Stede was disappointed that he didn’t get to hide the gold and save the day, but Ed let him spend way too much money in the gift shop buying them both cowboy hats and that seemed to fix the problem pretty quickly. Stede hadn’t been lying when he’d said that he liked to spoil his dates, insisting on buying things for Ed constantly, whether he actually wanted them or not.

“What exactly am I going to do with a black Stetson?” Ed asked, adjusting the hat on his head as they walked back to the car.

He felt ridiculous. But if it made Stede happy…

“I have a few ideas,” Stede grinned at him with that terribly sexy face. “Should have invested in a pair of spurs too.”

Ed pulled his keys from his pocket, unlocking the car. “Your mouth is going to get you in trouble one of these days,” he said over the roof before sliding into the driver's seat.

Stede dropped into the passenger seat next to him, removing his hat and setting it in his lap. “Sounds dangerous for you.”

Ed turned the engine over and shot an amused look at Stede. “Danger is my middle name, baby.”

Stede laughed, clicking his seatbelt into place, as Ed put the car in gear and started backing out of the parking spot. “How convenient,” Ed smirked over at him. “You’re full of shit,” Stede asserted, shifting in his seat to face Ed, who checked for traffic before pulling onto the highway with a shrug. “No. You’re lying, asshole. Danger is not your middle name. It’s like... Doug or Duncan, or something equally ridiculous. Nobody would do that to a child.” Ed ticked a brow up, glancing over at him. “Holy shit— you’re serious?”

“I told you it was stupid,” Ed reminded him.

Stede laughed. “Edward Danger Teach. Huh. I really did not see that one coming.”

“Yeah, well…You’re lucky I like you. Very few people know.” He shot another look at Stede. “And you will tell no one, do you understand?” Stede licked his quirked-up lips and Ed’s eyes flitted between the road and his amused expression. “I’m serious, Stede. Not a soul.”

“Too bad it isn’t something more useful…” Stede pushed on, turning to him, “Like, Daddy.”

Heat coiled low in Ed’s stomach. He’d said the word just two months ago in the same context, but it had never made him feel the way it did falling from Stede mouth. Ed knew the filth Stede was capable of at this point, but it still surprised him each time the varsity jacket-wearing prep said something remotely uncouth. And the thought of Stede calling him daddy was really doing it for him right now, which was a steadily growing issue while driving.

Ed shifted in his seat and side-eyed Stede. “You’re playing with fire today,” he warned.

He could see Stede watching him quietly, thoughtfully, from the passenger seat, and he risked another glance in his direction. Stede’s eyes were hot and dark, and Ed could see his mind working. His tongue darted out, wetting his lips, and Ed knew he was fucked.

Stede adjusted in his seat, hand sliding onto Ed’s thigh, pushing higher as he leaned into Ed’s space. His other hand made its way to the back of Ed’s hair and he leaned into it as Stede pressed soft, open-mouthed kisses to his neck.

Ed sucked in a sharp breath. “What’re you doing?”

Stede’s hand tightened in his hair, and he dragged his tongue up the side of Ed’s throat to his ear, tugging teasingly at Ed’s earlobe with his teeth before sucking the triple piercings into his mouth.

“Shit—” Ed hissed a breath, fighting to keep his eyes from fluttering closed and on the road.

Stede drew off, hot breath hitting the side of Ed’s face, as he whispered directly into his ear, “Giving you a preview.”

His fingers skirted over fabric, roaming higher, and Ed had to press his eyes closed momentarily, as Stede moved with inhuman speed to get Ed’s pants open and wrap a hand around him. He was so hard already, the tight grip of Stede’s hand a welcome relief but not nearly enough. A fact Stede was apparently aware of, pausing momentarily to unbuckle his seatbelt before leaning down to lick a stripe from base to tip with an incredibly obscene moan.

“Jesus fucking Christ—” Ed yelped, hitting the blinker, and pulling off the highway with barely a tap to the breaks.

“Careful there, moon,” Stede scolded playfully, pulling back to look up at him with blown-out eyes. “You might want to avoid sharp turns once your dick is in my mouth.”

Ed couldn’t breathe, eyes jumping sporadically between the road and Stede in his lap, a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel as he was destroyed in the best possible way.

Clint Eastwood, Gorillaz, 2001

Ed had an idea.

He’d spent the majority of the month ignoring the fact that the summer was almost over, and with it his time with Stede. But with the end looming so close on the horizon he couldn’t pretend anymore. And if he was going to have to say goodbye, not knowing if or when they would see each other again, he was going to make damn sure there was evidence that it wasn’t all a fever dream.

“Old West,” Ed told the woman behind the counter, his Stetson clutched in one hand, a fold of bills in the other, as Stede hovered behind him.

Flashback was only one of the many old-time photography places on the boardwalk, but it was the one with the best costumes and set pieces in his opinion. The idea to have photos taken (as cowboys) had hit him a few days after they’d visited Frontier Town. It seemed like the kind of cheesy thing Stede would be into and really, making him happy was what mattered.

“You’ll make handsome cowboys, gentleman,” the woman commented as Ed handed over payment to her. “Too bad you don’t have any ladies to stand on your arm in the saloon,” she tittered half to herself.

“You should have let me pay for this, Ed,” Stede whispered in his ear, fingers brushing against Ed’s back. “It’s pretty expensive.”

Ed threw him an affronted look over his shoulder, eyes narrowing playfully. “I’m not poor, star boy.”

“I didn’t say that—”

“Implied it.” Ed retrieved his change from the employee with a nod and turned to Stede who was frowning thoughtfully at his feet. Ed huffed a laugh and shuffled them behind the velvet rope to wait their turn. “You’ve been paying for things all summer,” Ed told him, dipping his head to catch Stede’s eye. “Let me get this one.”

“But you need your money for—” Stede tried arguing before Ed cut him off.

“Nah-uh. Nope. We’re not talking about that,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’m paying for this. You’re letting me. And we’re going to have fun today, got it?”

They’d attempted once to have a brief conversation about what would happen after the summer was over, in which Ed had admitted he would be heading off to college, which was cut short by Luke tripping into the apartment with a new beau. Stede had tried to bring it up since then, but Ed shut him down every time. They still had time. Not much, but…they still had time.

Stede looked like he was going to argue for a minute, but then seemed to think better of it and smiled instead. “Fun. Got it.”

*

Ed had never considered how he might look in fringe and chaps, but honestly…he wasn’t hating it.

One of the assistants had ushered them each into separate changing areas in the back of the studio, only a thick tasseled curtain between them and the main area. Ed could hear the couple that was in line before them making a big deal out of their poses and the long, exhausted sighs of the photographer as he attempted to pacify them. On the other side of the painted plywood wall, Stede fumbled around, cussing under his breath as he attempted, and seemingly failed, to get his costume in place. And that gave Ed another idea.

“Hey, star—” The words that had been on Ed’s tongue dissolved when he slinked into Stede’s dressing room, leaving him only the ability to breathe out a quiet gasp of, “Holy shit.”

Stede turned to him, shaking hands playing with the prop holster he’d been given. “I’m not a cowboy, I’m an idiot,” he ground out, eyes wild. The costume was simple, consisting of only a pair of chaps that went over their pants, and a vest and bandana that slipped over their t-shirts. Somehow, though, Stede had managed to lose his entire shirt, bare chest glinting behind the open vest, and Ed couldn’t pull his eyes away. “How the hell does this thing work?” Stede asked, holding the holster out to Ed. “What?” He looked down at himself when Ed didn’t respond. “I look ridiculous, don’t I?”

It took another second before Ed could process that he was being spoken to. “No. Shit, Stede. No, you look— hot.” He reached out and grabbed the holster from a stunned-looking Stede, tossing it aside and stepping into the blonde’s space.

“Oh,” Stede murmured, a smile playing on his lips as Ed crowded him against the back wall. “Now?”

“You seem on edge today,” Ed explained, using a hand in Stede’s curls to tip his head back, lips ghosting over his skin. “Thought maybe I could help.”

Stede’s eyes were darkening quickly as they darted around Ed’s face, but a helpless look unfolded on his features. “Ed,” he breathed, and it almost sounded like a plea, like a pained question that he had been holding inside.

“No, not now, Stede.”

Stede looked so broken, so torn up, and that wasn’t how today was supposed to go. Today was supposed to be a moment for them to not have to think about the after.

“When then, moon?” Stede begged him with a level of need that Ed had never heard from him before. His voice wavered with fear and it was too much. “I leave—”

“Later,” Ed assured him, dropping his eyes to Stede’s lips. “I promise, star. Tonight.”

Ed knew. He knew that it was selfish and cowardly, but he just couldn’t face it. Didn’t want to face it— like he could keep the inevitable from happening if he just kept pretending it wasn’t real, kept distracting them from the truth.

Stede gasped Ed’s name into his mouth, a taut string snapped with the feeling of their lips moving together, bodies pressed together in a firm line, heartbeats drumming out the melody of them.

“Ed—” Stede whispered with hot breath into the inches between their mouths, eyes closed, fingers holding on for dear life to the back of Ed’s shirt as he trembled in Ed’s arms.

The turbulence that had just been, now nothing more than a shuddering nightmare, replaced by Stede’s beautifully lustful face, and Ed would have been an idiot to close his eyes to it. Instead, he kept his gaze on Stede, flushed and mouth fallen open in a silent yell as Ed worked his spit-slick hand over him.

The air of the small room became humid with their panted breaths, Stede letting out the smallest of noises in his attempts to keep quiet and not draw attention. He was radiant; a whimpering, writhing mess, and Ed watched him, heart kicking, head swimming, body aching as he brought Stede to his release. It wasn’t until after, as they held firm to each other, that Ed realized he was chanting a prayer over and over again— I love you, I love you, I love you— trying to convince any deity that could hear him that he needed this, needed Stede; and, oh fuck, what was he going to do without him?

This wouldn’t be their final opus, not before the summer sands of time had torn them apart, but it’s the one Ed would remember with a strange clarity well past his youth. Because it was in this singular moment, kissing each other inside a plywood dressing room dressed as cowboys, that Ed had his first true epiphany. For the first time in his life he loved something, someone, more than life itself, and losing it— him— was a fate worse than death.

“Tonight,” Ed told him again as he cleaned them up as best he could with Stede’s discarded Nautica shirt. “Tonight we’ll figure it all out.”

Stede nodded, eyes hooded, leaning back against the wall as he tried to regain his faculties. “I love you too, moon. You’re my sky.”

Their pictures were taken just as they were, Stede shirtless under the faux suede vest and Ed with stars in his eyes as he stared at him, Stetsons on both their heads.

Chapter Text

A familiar rhythm floated on the air, anchoring him somewhere between dreaming and consciousness. He could hear the crash of waves, smell the salt in the breeze. Somewhere in the distance of his memory a voice lifted and he sunk into it, unwilling or unable to bring himself to reality. A soft hand in his own, the gentle caress of something he knew but was foreign to him now. He wanted to turn, to look into those eyes, see himself reflected there, but something held him back. Thunder rolled, lightning crashing on the horizon, and he gripped tighter to the safety at his side. A storm was coming.

‘Don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that now!’

“I love you too, moon.”

‘I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘Too late.’

‘You’re a fucking coward.’

“You’re my sky.”

‘I wasted too much time waiting for you to come to your senses…’

‘This was a mistake.’

‘He loves you…’

“Stay with me.”

The Thunder Rolls, Garth Brooks, 1990

Ed woke in a cold sweat to the sound of his alarm, a melody he had long buried starting to trickle out. He reached over and slapped the snooze button to silence it before the song could play fully. It had been weeks since he’d had a dream. He couldn’t keep going on like this. Something had to give.

Twenty years of restless reminders. Of words spoken in anger and love. Of lonely nights and broken days. Ed found a way to survive without him, to push through and move forward, but he was always still right there in his periphery, a mirage of paradise in the desert.

It was time.

Time to see if there was any life left to what they once had or exorcise the ghost of him once and for all.

Ed dug his phone from under the pillow, opening Google before he could overthink it and typed in a name he had not spoken aloud in a decade.

He had done this before, many times over the years, to see what he could find, always holding onto hope that maybe that time was the time. The search always resulted in the same thing: nothing. Stede seemed to be the only person on Earth who didn’t exist in the digital world. That or he had an alias.

Ed let his finger hover over enter, afraid he wouldn’t find him. Terrified that he would.

The cursor blinked tauntingly, daring him to do it, to make the leap and see where it took him. There was no knowing what he would encounter on the other end of this, but once he did it, it couldn’t be undone either way.

Anne’s question swam in his head— what if.

It was an unsolvable equation without all the known variables. And if he didn’t do something to try and determine x, y, or z, he would never know.

Ed held his breath and hit enter.

It only took seconds, but time seemed to slow to a glacial speed as he watched the search bar disappear and his results load.

“Shit—”

At the top of the first page…

Now what?

He had been searching for Stede for the better part of six years with not so much as a hint and now…there he was, just a finger tap away.

Would Stede want to talk to him? And if he did, what could Ed say to him after all this time? Maybe he would just start with looking, work his way up to more. A quick look couldn’t hurt, right? Stede wouldn’t even know that he’d done it. He could take a look, quench the thirst that was suddenly dehydrating him, and formulate his next move from there.

Ed danced his fingers in the air over the profile, unable to deny himself the chance to at least see what a decade had given to the man he had almost ruined. So, he tapped.

And there he was. Stede, blue blazer and sunshine. His Stede— as if there could be any other. He was older, his face more defined and bearing the lines of a life lived in humor, but it was undoubtedly him, curls sun kissed and eyes that matched the color of the waves.

Ed’s breath caught as he gazed down at the face of the phantom that haunted his every dream, emotions rushing like a river, a dam he hadn't even realized was full, bursting.

The floodgates were open and he needed to know more, everything, all of it. So, he scrolled.

Looking may have been the second worst decision he had ever made.

Remember Us This Way, Lady Gaga, 2018

Time was up.

Ed couldn’t avoid or deflect or distract anymore. Tomorrow Stede would get into a car and drive away back to his real life, far from OC and what they had managed to piece together here from scraps of who they really were. And a few days after that Ed too would leave the summer behind and head to campus, to the life he had worked so hard to have.

It all felt pointless now.

“Last weekend in OC, duckling. What’s on the agenda?” Luke pushed the sliding glass door open and leaned in the doorway, lighting a cigarette, as Ed bounced around the apartment cleaning up before Stede arrived. “Its neon night at Oceans tonight. Or Gerald said there’s a party at the inlet after the sun goes down.”

They’d split up after lunch, Stede needing to go back to the rental house to start packing. He’d said he would meet Ed at the apartment for dinner and they could decide what to do from there for their last night together. Ed had been trying to focus his attention on figuring how much he could squeeze into the limited hours they had left, expelling as much energy as he could by cleaning an apartment that wouldn’t belong to him anymore in a couple of days.

“I’m going out with Stede,” he said distractedly over his shoulder, shuffling a stack of magazines around in the coffee table for the third time in so many minutes.

Luke blew his smoke out aggressively with a roll of his eyes. “Ah, the starlight wonder. You’ve essentially wasted your whole summer with him, you know. Don’t get me wrong….he’s adorable and all but—’

Ed didn’t look up, moving on to fold a blanket that was piled on the foot of the sofa. Stede wasn’t a waste, not in any context, but arguing with Luke was fruitless. “Didn’t actually ask you for your opinion, did I?”

“No, you didn’t,” Luke said, snuffing his cigarette on the edge of the railing and stepping back into the apartment. “But you’re getting it anyway.” Ed threw him a look and then focused back on the blanket in his hands, hoping it would steer Luke away from the lecture he was about to give. “I said fuck him, not date him,” Luke said pointedly, undeterred, and Ed sighed with his failure, dropping the folded blanket over the back of the couch. “You let yourself get attached to a summer fling, with a guy who is probably straight the rest of the year, and now you’re walking around like a sad little puppy.”

“Oh, fuck you, Luke. You don’t know shit about anything,” Ed spat back.

Luke laughed humorlessly, crossing his arms. “I know that you’ve gone fully head over heels for someone that is going to forget about you the moment you’re out of their sight.”

Ed picked up a t-shirt and tossed it toward his bedroom door. “He’s not like that. You don’t know him, so just—”

“Neither do you,” Luke shot and Ed stopped to turn to him. “I don’t have to know him. I know guys like him and you need to get over it.” Ed blinked at him, teeth grounding together at the audacity. Stede wasn’t like that, wasn’t like other guys. Luke was just talking out of his ass, mad that Ed had abandoned him to party without a wingman. “I’m telling you this because I do, against my very nature, give a shit about you, duckling.” Luke softened, a flicker of empathy passing over his face, and he dropped his arms. “Guys like Stede don’t have the option to choose. Maybe he does love you, I don’t know, but that won’t matter once he leaves.”

“You’re wrong,” Ed countered without conviction, unable to convince even himself as his mind spiraled to the place he’d been trying to avoid.

“I’m not,” Luke insisted, not unkindly. “I’ve lived it. More than once.” Ed swallowed over the lump forming in his throat and averted his eyes. “It’ll break you. But only if you let it.” Ed sniffed, turning away from Luke to swipe away the tears he couldn’t keep from escaping. “Say goodbye,” Luke said from directly behind him, “and then let him go.”

Luke gave him an awkward pat on the back, his best attempt to be soothing, before fluttering off to his room and shutting the door.

Time was up.

And now Ed had to make a choice.

Tomorrow everything changed.

In the kitchen, the microwave clock glowed red, an omen of what was coming.

Of all the things that Ed should have been contemplating in the final hours, what shirt to wear wasn’t one of them. And yet, here he was staring into the abyss of his dresser trying to decide what color gave the right aesthetic to break someone’s heart. He was a piece of shit.

He had mulled the conversation with Luke over as the minutes ticked by like grains of sand through an hourglass. From the beginning he had known what this was, what would happen when this day finally came, and he had convinced himself that his worries were unwarranted. Stede was not meant to be a fixture in his life, just a passing fancy. Outside of this summer bubble their lives waited on them, ready to pick back up where they had paused. And Ed had not a single clue what that life was for Stede.

They didn’t talk about their families or friends, the pasts they left behind to be here or the futures that awaited them when they left. Ed knew Stede came from money because of his watch and boarding school and the diamond in his ear. He knew he played soccer and he was a state champion because of his varsity jacket. He knew Stede was kind and generous and smart from being lucky enough to be allowed in his presence. Ed knew that tomorrow he left because his varsity buddies were due for orientation. And after his chat with Luke, Ed knew with undying certainty that Stede’s life did not hold a place for some backwoods, farm boy that six months prior wasn’t even sure had a future at all.

Ed was not good enough for Stede, even if Stede would argue to the contrary, and the simple fact that Ed was about to do this was proof enough. He was selfish and scared, running to protect himself from the inevitable, and he would leave the massacre of Stede’s heart in the wake of his fear. Ed was a monster. And Stede deserved better.

He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there in spiraling thought when a knock came, and he reached into his drawer, grabbing the first thing his hand touched, and headed to his funeral.

“Hey, moon,” Stede pushed up on his toes, planting a chaste kiss on his cheek when he opened to him. “The door was locked.”

“Uh, yeah…My bad.” Ed scratched at his curls pushing the door closed behind Stede as he came in. He could hear the hollowed sound of his own voice. It matched the empty feeling in his chest. “Guess Luke did that on his way out.”

Stede shrugged, giving Ed one of his bright smiles. It made Ed feel sick with guilt. He looked so fucking happy, so enamored as he gazed at Ed with those soft hazel eyes full of love. Monster. Fuck up. Scum. “No big deal. So,” he bounced on his heels, “what’s the plan?”

Ed unfolded the shirt he’d pulled out, finally noticing his choice— tie-dyed with OC Maryland written across the front— and kicking himself for not being more considerate. Fucking rainbow starburst didn’t feel like the right brand of ‘I’m an asshole’ for tonight.

“Don’t know,” Ed pulled the shirt over his head and ran a hand through his hair. Fuck it, his life was a mess, hair may as well be too. “Wasn’t sure what you wanted to get up to, your last night and all.”

Stede watched him, forehead creasing in concern. “It’s going to be okay, moon.” He reached out and took Ed’s shaking hand, twisting their fingers together and bringing it to his mouth, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

Ed bit back the urge to scream. Monster. “I know,” he lied, dully, and he hated himself. If he was going to go through with this, at least he could soften the blow a little bit and make sure the rest of Stede’s night was perfect. He squeezed Stede’s hand and the blonde lit up like a summer’s day. “C’mon,” he said, forcing a careful smile, “I have an idea.”

Save Tonight, Eagle-Eye Cherry, 1997

Fifteen minutes and one stop to pickup binoculars later, they crossed over the bridge. Stede’s face said everything Ed needed to know:

1. It was a perfect choice

2. Stede was devastatingly in love with him

3. Ed would never forgive himself

The sun was just starting to set, floating low in the sky just over the water, casting it in the muted colors of a summer’s dusk. Ed drove at a leisurely speed, windows down so the warm breeze filled the car, radio set to the classic rock station.

“Get the binoculars out,” he told Stede as they approached a stretch of marsh and slowed.

Stede pulled the binoculars from a bag and looked over at him. “Where?”

Ed scanned the horizon until he spotted what he was looking for. “There,” he pointed, keeping his eyes on the point in the distance. He didn’t think he could look at Stede when he saw, it would hurt too much knowing.

Stede lifted the binoculars to his eyes, adjusting the sight and pointing them toward the beach.

“Oh my God!” Stede gasped out beside him. “Holy shit, Ed! I—”

Against the knot growing in his stomach, Ed turned.

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Stede breathed in awe, and he fucking glowed.

“Me too, star.” And Ed loved him. More than he thought possible, greater than he could comprehend, against his best judgement, he was completely, madly, reality shakingly in love with Stede Bonnet. “Me too.”

Wild Horses, The Rolling Stones, 1971

Stede pulled the binoculars away, turning to Ed like a goddamn comet, and offered them to him. “Look!”

“Nah. I’ve seen them. You watch for a while.” The only thing Ed cared to look at right now was Stede, to commit every line, every breath, every joyful emotion to his memory. At least then, when he thought back on this moment, he would remember in vivid detail the happiness both of them felt, and hopefully it would be enough to drown out the gray that was bleeding into the color.

Then…Stede kissed him.

“What’d you do that for?”

Stede smiled at him. “Because I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect night.” His smile melted into something different, something poignant and genuine, and it tore Ed open. “Or a better person to spend it with.”

Fuck!

Ed was not better. He was not good or kind or perfect. He wasn’t even the tiniest bit worthy of being labeled those things. If he was anything at all it was the dirt under Stede’s heel. How could he be anything other than the lowest of the low when Stede was looking at him like he’d just pulled down Neptune from the sky and Ed was an hour away from—

“Moon, I—”

Stede’s voice pulled him back and Ed forced his eyes to focus on Stede’s face. His eyes sparkled in the last remnants of light fading from the sky, glistening and watery. A stone sunk in Ed’s stomach. He knows, was his first thought when he took in the expression on Stede’s face. It was somewhere between fear and wonder, and he opened and closed his mouth several times like a fish out of water, trying to find the rest of his words.

Ed didn’t know if he should wait to see what was going to come out of Stede’s mouth or cut him off before he could try and end this himself. He wasn’t sure if he was more afraid to be the one that killed this, or for Stede to do it, but either way it was going to hurt. At least if he was the one to say it first, Stede wouldn’t have to. He wouldn’t have to carry around that guilt for breaking Ed’s heart, the same way Ed was carrying the weight of knowing he was going to do the same to Stede.

“Stede I think we should—”

“I want you to fuck me,” the words came out in a rush.

Ed’s brain screeched to a halt. “What?”

“I just— I’m leaving. And, I’ve been thinking maybe— It would be something I could give— But I understand if you don’t want to.” Ed stared at him as he rambled out words, trying frantically to make sense of what was happening. “…because I love you and—”

Ed reached over and put a finger to his lips. “Star, stop. Just— give my brain a minute to catch up.”

Stede swallowed, nodding slowly, worry apparent on his face as he waited for Ed.

“You mean—” Stede nodded once and Ed sucked in a breath. “And you’ve thought about it?” Stede nodded again. “You’re sure? Because I’ll still—” The words stalled in his mouth and Ed swallowed around them. “You don’t have to do it for me.”

Stede lifted a hand and pulled Ed’s finger away from his mouth. “I want to do this because I love you, Ed, and I want it to be with you.”

Ed yearned for him with a fierce admiration; a deep, molten, burning that consumed every single other instinct and thought, and even though he knew it was a terrible, awful fucking decision to make right now…Ed’s resolve finally broke.

“Yeah, okay.”

“Yeah?” Stede smiled at him, fireworks bursting in his eyes.

Ed gave a short nod. “Yeah, star boy.”

It was a seriously stupid decision. But how could Ed give up this one last chance to show Stede how he really felt?

Maybe he would regret it all tomorrow. Tonight though…he didn’t have a single reservation.

Chapter Text

It should have been special. Stede deserved special. If Ed had known, had more time, hadn’t been planning to break up with a guy that technically wasn’t even his boyfriend, he may have even been able to make it as special as it should have been. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and Ed doesn’t think he’s ever been so desperate for something in his life.

Stede appeared similarly as desperate as well, yet nervous.

Ed could understand that, he’d been there before himself. Knowing, in theory, how things went was very different from them actually happening. To you.

Ed remembered his first time. The guy was older, more experienced, and Ed had wanted to come off like he knew what he was doing so he hadn’t been honest. In retrospect that was a mistake, as he wasn’t afforded time or instruction, or given any warnings about what was about to happen and how he might react. There was no care or thought put into the interaction, not that any hookup after it had felt anymore personal, but it was his first time and he had been more worried about being perceived as cool than how he would feel on the other side of it. He wasn’t going to let it be like that for Stede. He was going to make sure that no matter what, Stede felt cared for and comfortable and—

Goddamn it! He’d spent the last few weeks saying it, why couldn’t he even think the words to himself anymore? Because he didn’t have any right to, that's why. He did— feel that way though! It wasn’t a lie. And yet, somehow the truth tasted just as bitter on his tongue.

Luke was still not present when they got back to the apartment and Ed was thankful for the reprieve that granted him from hearing Luke’s opinion on what they were there to do. They would probably have a few more hours before he popped back up again, and by that time they would be safely hidden behind Ed’s door until it was time for Stede to go. By the time Ed laid eyes on his roommate again, Stede would be nothing more than a memory.

The apartment was dark and quiet, nothing more than moonlight and echoes of a summer that would soon set like the sun over the ocean. He pushed the door closed behind them, the soft click of the latch feel like the end of something. They didn’t speak, as if they both knew that no words would be big enough.

Then Ed slipped his hand into Stede’s and tugged him into the darkness of his room.

The air felt charged, but not in the buzzing, electrical way that it had before. Now it felt weighted with the enormity of the night. And it wasn’t about the sex either. Ed wouldn’t deny that the thought of fucking Stede into the mattress was enticing, the heat coursing low in his gut noticeable and distracting, but that’s not what made him throw his not so well thought-out plan into the sea. It was knowing that Stede cared enough about him to want to give him a piece of himself he could never get back. The blonde had tried to frame it as a gift, but it was a privilege, a declaration, and Ed was too weak to not want to scoop it up and bask in it while he still had the chance.

He watched Stede, painted in the silver rays of twilight, as he removed his clothes like he had done dozens of times before, and found that he was in awe. His hands had mapped the plains of Stede’s body to intricate detail, his mouth knew the taste of every inch, his ears had memorized every sound. He knew the beauty of Stede’s body better than the back roads of his home town or cords of his favorite song. It had been his to know and revere for only a short time, but it had been his nonetheless. And tonight he was going to worship it.

“Are you alright?” he asked Stede when they were both beneath the blankets, limbs tangled in the affectionate dance that was simply just a part of them now; muscle memory. Ed wondered briefly if the heart, as a muscle, had memory too.

Stede shook his head, “No. I’m scared.”

“We don’t have to,” Ed tried to soothe. He wanted this, yes, but not at Stede’s expense.

“Not of this,” Stede whispered, and he was trembling under Ed’s fingers. “Of tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. And—” His voice wavered. “I miss you already.”

Ed wanted to offer him assurance that it would be okay, that they would be fine, but it would be a lie, and he wasn’t willing to lie to Stede right now. Not while he was so vulnerable, so trusting. Monster.

“I’m right here,” he said instead, wrapping Stede in his arms and pulling him closer. Stede sighed against his chest and Ed felt the truth of his words.

He missed Stede already too, with an aching, tearing pain that threatened to ruin him in terrible ways. He missed him now and he would miss him after, and if the clenching of his heart meant anything, he would miss him long into the future. It already felt prophesized that the memory of this summer would be his greatest pain. And that’s why he couldn’t go back on his plan.

Stede was already hurting, and if it was anything like what Ed felt, it was excruciating. Ed couldn’t send him off into the world with hope that things would work out at some undetermined point in the future, let him suffer the pain of distance and time until it became a numb burning he had to live with daily. No, he couldn’t do that to Stede. His star. His supernova. Ed had to protect him from all of it, and now he knew exactly what he would need to do to make sure Stede wasn’t stuck with the lifetime of regret and wondering.

Right now though, he had to try and tell the truth in the only way that he could, and pray that Stede heard it.

So he kissed him.

Ed kissed him soft and sweet with gentle hands and quiet sighs. Ed kissed him hard and frantic with bruising fingers and echoed moans. Ed kissed him on every inch of skin that he could reach, with his lips, with his tongue, with his teeth. Ed kissed the sounds from his mouth and the tears on his cheeks and the shell of his ear as he murmured tender instruction and asked over and over if he should keep going. Ed kissed the back of his neck, breathing heavy need into the sweat-covered skin, and the slope of his spine as he guided him into place.

And when they were both nothing more than trembling, aching messes, so filled with desire and passion and love that Ed felt like he would burst with it all, Ed pushed slowly into him.

He was careful and slow, a masterclass in restraint, holding back every one of his instincts as he made sure Stede was okay.

When he could go no further, their bodies connected as much as they could be, he stilled, leaning over to place a kiss in Stede’s sandy curls. “Are you okay?” he asked again as Stede groaned a sob into the pillow beneath him.

Stede was quiet, breaths heavy, for a long moment before he turned his head and huffed out, “I want to see you.”

“I know. I know, baby,” Ed panted, and he wanted to cry. “I want to see you too. But…I don’t want to hurt you.”

Stede shifted, attempting to look back at Ed behind him, and groaned in frustration. “You won’t,” he pleaded.

“I will,” Ed replied sharply, letting the emotions spill over. “I mean…this is the easiest way for you.” Ed shook, whether from physically holding himself back or with the searing hot blade of betrayal he felt under his skin, because the truth of it was, he didn’t know that he could look Stede in the face while he made love to him tonight and then do the same as he broke his heart tomorrow. It was selfish. He was selfish. “Just— let your body get used to it first.”

“Then I need—” Stede swallowed, breath ragged. “I need you to move.”

And the tightly wrapped thread of Ed’s control snapped.

Bring Me to Life, Evanescence, 2003

The things that Ed would remember from that night would be the ones he hadn’t expected to stick in his mind.

It wasn’t the way that each thrust of his hips felt like heaven, or how their bodies moved so perfectly together. Nor was it the way Stede’s fingers felt wrapped around his own, digging into the bed sheets, or the moans that escaped both of their chests. He wouldn’t remember how Stede had gasped out his second plea or at just what point he had decided to answer it.

What he would remember was the way Stede’s eyes looked in the moonlight, reflecting the cosmos and endlessly adoring, as he clung to Ed’s shoulders in tender desperation. He would remember the feel of Stede’s lips beneath his own, the hot bursts of breath that came with each quiet sound that floated between them in the dark. Ed would remember the way his name left Stede’s mouth like a prayer, eyes pressed closed, body arching off the bed, and the way he had chanted Stede’s name like a blessing into the night to try and ward them from the curse that was the morning.

But most of all, Ed would remember the moment it was over and he knew that it was the last time Stede would look at him with love in his eyes.

“You’re my sky,” Stede murmured into his neck, wrapped in Ed’s arms as sleep started to take him.

And he should have said it then. He should have told Stede that he was the sky, the sun, the universe. That he was the only thing that mattered, he was everything, and that Ed loved him. Unconditionally, completely, forever.

Ed should have told him. But he didn’t.

“The sky dreams of stars.”

A prophesy fulfilled.

~*~

Ed paced the expanse of the apartment chewing his already demolished nails. Somewhere inside a clock ticked, counting down the seconds until he made his final bed and had to lay in it for the rest of his life.

He didn’t even know they owned an analogue clock.

Unless it was Chronos himself tapping out the moments until his impending doom and reminding him just how long a lifetime really is. How fucking appropriate would that be?

“Are you attempting to burn holes in my carpet, or what?” Luke emerged from the bathroom, fully clothed for once, and went into the kitchen, pulling a bag of Doritos from a cabinet.

“Needs replaced anyways,” Ed said not looking at him.

Luke snorted a laugh. “Good point.”

Ed stilled and glanced at his watch. “This is your fault anyway, you know?”

Twenty minutes left.

Why was it that when you were expecting something time slowed to molasses, but when you were dreading something it sped up to the speed of light?

“My fault?” Luke crunched through a chip. “Not sure how I’m to blame for your sudden lack of chill.”

“Stede’s leaving today.” He resumed his marathon.

“And that’s my fault…how exactly?” Luke asked, twirling a Dorito through the air.

Ed bit into another nail. “I fucked him. Last night.”

“Okay, I’m not sure I follow.”

Ed hit the edge of the room and turned back in Luke’s direction with a huff. “I was going to break things off last night. But then he said he loved me. And how was I supposed to do it after that? With him looking at me like I’m the goddamn center of his universe and asking me to— So I didn’t. And then I did. And, his eyes, man! His fucking eyes. And who does that? I thought it would help. Give me something to hang on to. Give him some comfort. But I just feel worse because— fuck, Luke— What if I’m making a mistake?”

Ed threw himself down on the sofa and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes until colors started to burst behind the lids.

“So let me see if I got this straight, yeah?” The Doritos bag crinkled. “You decided to take my advice and end things before you could get hurt— Which isn’t a mistake by the way— but you didn’t because the guy you’ve been fucking all summer asked you to fuck him again and somehow it’s all my fault that you’re now having a melt down and tearing up my carpet. Am I missing something here?”

Ed pulled his hands away and opened his eyes, looking over at a blurry Luke. “We hadn’t— Not like that. He hadn’t— Before.”

“Jesus Christ,” Luke sighed, hands tightening around the bag in his hands, sounding completely put out. “Are you telling me that you knew he was a virgin—”

“He wasn’t a virgin.”

His eye sight was starting to clear and he saw the look Luke shot him. “In all the ways that count, he literally was, honey.” Ed rolled his eyes and stood up as Luke picked back up where he left off. “And you proceeded to fuck him knowing what you were going to do today? Do you remember your first time at all?”

“Yeah, it was shit. Which is why I made sure his wasn’t.”

“Oh my fucking God,” Luke groaned, pressing his eyes closed and rubbing his temples like he was the one about to have a panic attack over this. He dropped his hands and looked back at Ed. “Now you’re going to break it off with him? You are an idiot.”

Ed blinked at him. “You told me to!!”

“I didn’t know you were going to ass-fuck a virgin first!”

“He was not a virgin!!”

Luke came around the counter, fixing him with a look, and grabbed his shoulders. “Do you think last night meant something to him?”

Ed looked at the ceiling, swallowing down the tears that were trying to spring to his eyes, and nodded.

“Did it mean something to you?”

He could feel the pressure building and he blinked rapidly, giving another nod to the ceiling.

Luke jerked his shoulders and Ed dropped his eyes back to his roommate.

“You have fucked yourself in the most momentous of ways, duckling.” Ed let out a puff of air he seemed to have been holding in his lungs and a tear finally escaped his eye. Luke looked at him sternly. “This is going to be a hundred times harder now. Telling him it’s over isn’t going to be enough. Do you understand what I’m saying to you, Ed?”

It was the first time since day one that Luke had used his real name and it cut the seriousness of the situation down to the bone. If he was going to sell this, to make Stede understand that it was truly over, he was going to have to make him believe that there was nothing worth holding on to. That Ed was not worth trying to hold on to.

“Yeah,” he sniffled, “yeah, I understand.”

Stede was waiting for him at the agreed upon spot at the end of the boardwalk. He looked almost as bad as Ed felt but he lit up, as always, when his eyes landed on Ed coming toward him.

“Moon!” Ed’s stomach rolled. “Hey, I only have about an hour before we leave, I was hoping—”

“It’s over, Stede.” He had hyped himself up so much on the way over, trying not to lose his nerve, that the repetitious words spilled right out.

Stede’s brow creased in confusion, the smile on his face faltering. “What’s over?”

“Us.” Ed repeated his mantra in his head. All he had to do was get all of the words out and walk away. Stede had people, he would be fine. Better than fine without the shadow of Ed following him around.

Stede’s face fell more and he took a step forward, reaching for Ed. “The summer us, yeah, but that doesn’t mean—”

Ed took a step back. “That’s all this ever was, Stede. A summer fling. Fleeting and golden, and gone as quick as it came, just like the summer. It was never meant to be anything more.” His voice was like ice in his throat.

“I don’t—” Stede’s face crumpled and his eyelashes fluttered as his eyes darted between Ed’s. “You said—” His voice cracked. “You said you loved me.”

“I thought maybe I did.” The words were crushing, but the look on Stede’s face as he said them was worse. Ed could hardly breathe. “I’m not so sure now.”

Stede stared at him, his eyes turning red and watery at the edges, and he shook his head. “No. Your lying. I saw. I— Last night—”

“Was a mistake.” The lie brought bile to his throat and he wanted to gag. “I shouldn’t have let it go that far. I’m sorry.”

“You—” Tears streamed down Stede’s face and Ed wanted to kiss them away like he had last night. He couldn’t. He stood his ground, even though he felt like he was being torn limb from limb. “So that’s it? None of it meant anything to you?” It was like a dagger to his heart and the pain was indescribable. Ed felt the tears building in his eyes and he pressed them shut. “I meant nothing to you.”

The last part was a statement, not a question, and Ed felt it like ice in his veins. How was he supposed to say what he had to say next? How was he going to walk away, both of them with tears in their eyes, hearts strangled in their chest, pretending it wasn’t killing him too?

“It’s done, Stede. Please don’t—” he choked on the words, sucking in a breath to try and steady himself as the tears finally escaped. “Don’t try to contact me. I don’t want—”

“Moon,” Stede pleaded, the look on his face pure devastation. “Please don’t do this.”

Ed wiped the broken dreams from his face and cleared his throat. “I have to go now.” He turned before he could look at Stede’s face again, resolved to walk away from this with a single shred of something resembling dignity.

He only made it two steps before Stede caught him around the wrist, speaking to his back.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this, Ed, and if you’re determined to walk away I can’t stop you.” Stede took a deep breath. “But you’re going to have to do it knowing I do love you and nothing you could say right now will change that. You are my sky.”

“You’ll get over it.” Ed tugged his arm free but refused to turn. If he looked at Stede, there was no doubt in his mind he would fall apart. “Goodbye, Stede.”

The things Ed remembers about this day are exactly the ones he knew he would.

The sky was clear, inky black and filled with a million wishes that would never come true.

Ed laid in the sand, ocean water lapping around him in the darkness, and he hoped that the current would drag him out to sea. It was the only fate appropriate for a monster such as he.

In the distance, he heard the echoes of the summer coming to an end. Fleeting and golden, and gone as quickly as it came, just like the boy who had fallen from the sky like a star and showed him what it meant to be loved.

Twenty years in the future, Ed sits on the edge of his bed, clutching his phone in his hand as he stares down at the face of the boy he walked away from, his heart pounding out a familiar rhythm.

Muscle memory.

The heart does not forget.

Bitter Sweet Symphony, The Verve, 1997

Chapter Text

“He’s married,” Ed said the moment Anne picked up the phone, not even waiting for a greeting.

“Ed?” Her voice was groggy with sleep and Ed could hear the sound of a lamp being clicked on.

He held the phone between his ear and shoulder, unwrapping a bag of popcorn. “Who else would it be at 3 a.m.?”

Anne sniffed, speaking through a yawn. “It shouldn’t be you at 3 a.m. either. What are you doing awake?”

“Can’t sleep.” He shoved the bag into the microwave and hit the button, grabbing the phone in his hand. “Minds racing.”

Anne was quiet for a second. He knew what was coming. “Are you sober?”

“Yes. Just— I found him, Anne. After all this time trying, I finally found him.”

Ed could hear Anne shifting around and the muffled sounds of someone speaking in the background. “It’s just Ed. Go back to sleep,” she whispered to her partner before returning to their conversation. “Is that a good thing?”

“I mean, yeah.” Ed pulled the popcorn bag out carefully, pinching it between his fingers and pushing the microwave shut with his elbow. “I’m happy that I finally have a way to contact him if I want to but,” he paused as the steam rose from the opened bag and he dumped it into a bowl, “he’s married, so…”

“So? What does that matter?” Ed heard the fridge open and close on Anne’s end.

He shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth, heading towards his couch. “It matters, because of last time.”

Ed could almost hear Anne roll her eyes. “You weren’t the same person last time, Ed. And I’m sure neither is he. Plus,” ice cubes clunked into a glass, “how do you know he’s married anyway?”

“Instagram,” he said simply. As if that should explain the hours he spent scrolling through at least six years' worth of photos yesterday.

“Instagram?” she asked sardonically.

Ed crunched into another handful of popcorn and grabbed his TV remote, opening Amazon. “Wedding photos,” he explained.

“And these wedding photos were of him and…”

“Nah,” he shook his head unnecessarily, “just her.”

“Her?!”

Ed snorted. “I know right? After— Well, you know. Think he would have learned that lesson.”

“Ed, honey?”

“Yeah—” Ed pressed play on Party Monster and tossed the remote to his feet.

“You sound a little manic right now.”

“Feel fine. Just a little— In my head. I mean…maybe I should just send him a message anyway, like, hey man, I know it’s been a while but— What if she see’s it though? Then he’d have to explain the whole thing and— holy shit, can you imagine that conversation?” Ed giggled. “To be a fly on the wall for that one! You think he would tell her about—”

“Edward!”

Ed stopped, hand halfway to his mouth. “Yeah, bunny?”

“Christ,” she breathed, then more loudly, speaking slow and firm into the phone. “I’ll be there at 8 a.m. Do not try and reach out to him until I’m there, understand.”

Ed nodded again, then realized she couldn’t see him. “Okay, yeah.”

“Okay. Now go read a book and stop watching Party Monster so you can get some sleep.” Ed looked at the TV. How did she do that? “Edward?”

“Yeah?” He shook himself out of his half-daze and clicked off the TV. “Yes, bunny, I heard you. Okay, I’ll— I’m going right now.”

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” he repeated.

“Goodnight, Ed.”

“Night, Anne. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bed. Now.”

“Yes. Yep. Bye.” He hung up the phone and dropped it on the couch.

Maybe he was a little manic.

Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind, 1997

Start of Fall Semester, August 2002, University of Maryland

Ed stepped out of Billy's beat-up Ford and took a deep breath. New place, new people, new life. Ready, set, go...whether he’d prepared himself adequately for it or not.

"This place is fucking fancy, Eddie," Billy said, with a slap to his back as he looked around. "Expensive."

The campus of University of Maryland was bustling with new students and their families, returning students not yet having arrived. Ed had waited most of his life for this moment, to start a new chapter of his life, out from under his parents watchful eyes, new experiences to be had. He had expected it to feel more exciting, more freeing, but he supposed after pretty much being in his own for the summer, going off to college didn't seem like such a big deal anymore.

"Yeah, well— Good thing I worked hard for it then." Ed stepped around his foster brother to pull his bags from the bed as Billy's eyes trailed a trio of girls making their way toward the dorms and Ed rolled his eyes. "You can end up here too if you weren't always busy chasing tail."

The girls disappeared into the building and Billy turned to him with a shrug. "Priorities, bro."

"Right," Ed smiled wryly, slamming the tailgate closed, "priorities." A flicker of a memory— warm summer breezes and laughter— tried to push through but he shut it down immediately. Summer was over. "You gonna help me or what?"

Move-in day was madness, of course. The dorm halls teemed with freshmen trying to find their rooms and parents fussing over leaving their babies behind. Ed’s dorm was on the fifth floor of Ellicott Hall, making him thankful that he didn't have a whole lot of stuff, as Billy huffed and puffed his way up the staircase, a single bag in hand. The amount of people bustling about was overwhelming though and all Ed wanted to do was get to the room and unpack without interacting with them. He could only hope that his roommate hadn't arrived yet so that he had first dibs on a bed.

Unfortunately, the moment they hit the fifth-floor landing a brunette with freckles and an overeager smile cornered them and introduced herself as Charlotte, Lottie for short, the RA. She was sweet, although a bit high-strung, with an accent that was objectively deeper south than Maryland, and only let them continue on to find Ed's room once she had thoroughly explained the floorplan, of which Ed had studied at length on the drive down. More than once Ed had to threaten Billy's life with a glare to keep him from saying something highly inappropriate, but after what felt like hours they were finally back on the way.

The room was a decent size for two people, a corner spot, smaller than the apartment in OC, but larger than his room at home he had shared with Billy. They were in luck to find that his roommate had not arrived, giving Ed the option of right or left side of the shared space. He chose the right because the window, which hung over his bed faced west. At the foot of the bed was a small desk, equipped to keep you connected and studious, and rolling office chair. There were two separate closets, as well, one each directly across from the desk. Between the two twin-size beds sat a long table that doubled as a bookshelf and side table. The opposite side of the room was a mirror image but without the additional window.

It wasn’t home, but what truly was? Nowhere had really felt like home since—

It was fine. This was where he would spend the next year and that was perfect. He would make it his own, make it what he needed to focus on what he was here for. He didn’t need any distractions. One could only hope his roommate would be as serious as he was about school.

Billy dropped the bag he was holding unceremoniously in the corner, spinning around with a showy whistle. “You’re high class now, Eddie. What’s the first thing you’re going to do? I bet there’ll be parties tonight.”

Ed picked up the discarded bag and laid it on his claimed bed. “It's only freshman here right now, Bill. I doubt there’ll be parties yet.”

Billy hummed, coming up behind him with a slap to his shoulder. “So, what’re we doing then?”

“We,” Ed pushed Billy’s hand from his shoulder and turned around, “aren’t doing anything. You are heading back home. I’m going to find the commons and get something to eat.”

Billy rolled his eyes and pouted his disagreement. “You’re a terrible wingman, you know that?”

“Sucks to be you then I guess.” Ed put his hands on Billy’s shoulders and spun him around. “Now out. Lynn will have my head if you come strutting in after dark.”

“You’re like, three counties away. I think you’re safe,” Billy argued over his shoulder as Ed pushed him toward the door.

“Then you don’t know your mom very well.”

Billy stopped when they got to the hall and held up a fist. “I might actually miss you a little bit, man.”

Ed locked the room and came to stand in front of him, new arrivals moving around them as he gave Billy the fist bump he was waiting for. “I was gone the whole summer already.”

“Yeah but, that was more like you were on vacation, not…this,” he gestured around them. “This feels like forever.”

“It’s not forever. I’ll be back for Christmas in a few months.”

Billy grinned at him. “With stories of all the parties you crashed and fun you’ve been having so I can live my college dreams through you?”

“'Course, what’d you take me for? A slacker?” Ed laughed.

They’d had their moments when Ed had first come to live with the Vanes. Billy was the younger brother he’d never had and Charlie was the older one he never wanted. And the boys already had each other. It had taken time for Ed to find his place in their world, in their life, and he sure as hell had been resistant, but eventually they found their groove with each other. Now, it was hard to even imagine what his life would have been like without either of them.

“Just don’t come home with a girlfriend, dude.” Billy slung an arm around his shoulders as they made for the stairs again. “That will totally ruin my whole illusion.”

Sand and waves and eyes like the Atlantic. “Nah,” Ed assured him as they hit the stairwell. “You don’t have to worry about that. I’m not interested in falling in love.”

Campus, for being a limited student body right now, was overwhelming. Not just the size of the buildings but the amount of peppy, friendly people (mostly girls) that felt the need to introduce themselves hiding around every corner. By the time Ed made it to the dining hall he’d already met more people than there were in his whole hometown. There was no way he was going to be able to keep track of all those names and faces, so he had just smiled and nodded and pretended to care.

Too many cardigans and Reebok Classics. He needed a reprieve. And a fucking beer. But caffeine would have to do for now.

After getting a coffee that was too thick and not nearly hot enough, he found himself a spot in the back of the dining area and popped in his headphones.

It was a regrettable choice almost immediately, as his iPod shuffled through the songs that— that had been added over the last few months. Ed clicked through each disturbing one quickly until—

It wasn’t really something he would normally let play, and he knew the moment it started that it was going to hurt, but he couldn’t stop himself. He let the words wash over him and for the first time that semester let himself sit with the decision he’d made, the one he’d forced on both of them. He couldn’t bring himself to say his name, even to himself, but he did wonder if up in Connecticut there was a boy listening to the same song and thinking of him.

Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey, 1995

The trek back to his room allowed for time to reflect and ponder and, of course, stew in his regret. Which Ed only allowed himself to do so that he could get it all out of his system before he had to meet his new roommate. A roommate that he didn’t want seeing him cry on their very first day.

He had no idea what to expect, except that based on his fellow freshman, it was likely the guy would be preppy and have terrible taste in music. It wouldn’t be the first time he was told his music was “too loud” or his clothes were “too weird” or his vibe was “too sad” (ironic considering)…he was used to all of that. But he had never had to live in close quarters, for a year, with a stranger, that didn’t like him. Not only that, but he didn’t know how safe he would be if the new roomie was as initiative as Luke but much more straight.

Ed crossed through the commons at a leisurely pace, head down, earphones in, Strawberry Fruitopia in hand he’d grabbed from the vending machine in his way out. It was getting late in the day and people were scattered around saying their final goodbyes. He focused on the music playing in his ears, The White Stripes a welcome change to his previous selection. Which is why he didn’t notice the person coming straight for him until it was too late.

The girl's books clattered to the ground and Ed pulled out his earphones, dropping to a knee to try and help collect the mess he’d made.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” he explained, reaching for a leather-bound journal a few feet from them.

“It’s okay. Accidents happen.” Her voice was calm and lilting, the accent mid-western, maybe.

Ed picked the journal up, pausing when he noticed the imprint.

“Do you like constellations?”

Ed looked up at her, startled out of his silent stare, and she was pretty. Brunette, long hair flowing over her shoulder in heavy, wide ringlets. She smiled down at him. Her eyes were kind, but held a sadness that Ed recognized from his own mirror.

“Uh— Yeah. I do,” he said, stacking the journal on the pile of books and standing. “Always had a thing for stars.”

Star boy.

She reached out her hands and took the books from him with a nod. “Me too. You know, they say you can tell a lot about a person from the stars they were born under.” She smiles prettily at him. “I’m Mary, by the way.”

“Oh, um, Ed.” He started to extend his hand and dropped it back down when she frowned at her occupied hands.

“Well, thank you for your help, Ed.”

“Yeah, no problem. It was my fault anyway. I ran into you,” he shrugged.

“Guess I’ll see you around campus then,” she said with one last quirk of her lips, stepping around him to continue up the path behind him.

“Yep. See you around,” he waved to her back as he watched her go.

And there was that feeling again. Like he had just crossed paths with someone he already knew, but Mary was a perfect stranger to him.

Once she was out of sight, Ed shook off the odd chill and turned back toward the dorms.

Maybe he should look into the whole stars thing she was talking about?

~*~

Izzy Hands was an angry sort but Ed liked him.

Mostly.

He wasn’t totally convinced at first that they were going to get along, the grumpy guy was a bit of a bastard, but it hadn’t taken long for Ed to realize they had similar taste in music and clothing, and their friendship pretty much built itself from there. Izzy seemed to be fiercely loyal, even within the first few weeks of them meeting, and Ed got the feeling that Izzy saw him as some kind of leader. He couldn’t say that he agreed with that assessment, but he would take it over a year of silence or bickering.

A few nights before classes officially started, Izzy had snuck a bottle of whiskey into their room and they had sat on the floor playing poker until they were both comfortably buzzed. Up until that point Ed had been careful about how much he allowed Izzy to know about him, leaving out certain details that could be problematic. This night, however, the liquor had his lips loose, and all it took was a song to get him going.

“Sounds like one of these preppy twats to me,” Izzy said, drawing the bottle away from his mouth and handing it over to Ed. “I say you made the right fucking choice. Good riddance.”

Ed hummed around the bottle before pulling it away and leaning it against his knee. “Yeah, but…I don’t know. He always treated me good, like— like I was important, you know?”

“’Course you were important,” Izzy gently snatched the bottle back and Ed stared at him waiting for an explanation. “Like Luke told ya,” he held the bottle up by the neck and pointed it at Ed. “You were his summer escape. Once he was back home, he would have been the perfect little rich boy he was raised to be.”

He tipped the bottle back and Ed leaned his body against the bed behind him, staring up at the ceiling. He had never introduced him to his friends, which Ed wasn’t worried about really, but why? He didn’t push to talk about their lives, and Ed knew why he didn’t want to but—? The blonde was a shiny new penny, his life couldn’t be anything like Ed’s. Maybe Luke and Izzy had a point.

Ed huffed. “Guess your right. Too late anyway to change my mind now.”

Izzy handed him the bottle with a nod and pushed himself to his feet. “C’mon.”

Ed looked up at him. “Where?”

“I dunno. Out. I need a smoke and you need to stop fucking thinking.” He offered Ed a hand and helped him up.

It took him a second to steady himself, to keep his head from spinning and quiet the thoughts of summer nights brewing like a storm in his mind.

Ed smoked his first cigarette that night, half drunk and stumbling across campus as he and his new roommate laughed together, reminiscing about things that weren’t the ocean.

He choked so hard on his first drag he thought he would die. Maybe a little bit he wanted to.

Until Izzy had slapped him on the back with a chuckle, a hand to his elbow to keep him from falling over, and for the first time in weeks, Ed thought maybe he would survive.

So, yeah. Ed liked Izzy.

He was going to need someone like him to get through this.

Ed was late.

Mother fucking fuck!

He knew that he shouldn’t have stayed up polishing off the last of that bottle with Izzy the night before the semester officially started, but Izzy had kept saying it would be fine and he couldn’t drink alone and— oh c’mon Ed, don’t be a little bitch.

Jesus Christ, he could fucking kill him right now!

Ed darted across campus with an energy that he shouldn’t have had at that time in the morning after drinking half the night, making his way toward the humanities building for his World Cultures class. He had opted for the cultures class rather than an early statistics class because who the fuck wants to do math at the ass crack of dawn. But when he had met with the academic advisor last year, he hadn’t considered the possibility that he would have a roommate that he would actually get along with, much less want to party with, and he was very much regretting selecting any class with an 8:20 a.m. start time on a Monday morning.

Ed glanced at his watch as he pushed through the front doors.

It wasn’t bad enough that he felt like death warmed over before he started running, now he felt like he was going to hurl too. Maybe he should have just skipped out on the class altogether. Better to not show up at all than to show up late and puke in the middle of the floor, he would think.

But no. He had worked really fucking hard to get here and he wasn’t going to screw himself on the first fucking day because he listened to his pushy, asshole of a roommate. He could do this.

There might be some saltines in the front of his backpack left over from the night they had gone out to—

Fuck— No. Not today. Not now. He didn’t have time to get stuck in another grief spiral.

Ed skidded to a halt in front of the lecture room door, peeking through the small pane of glass to see if there was any way that he could sneak into the back unnoticed. The professor was already pacing the front of the room, the semester’s syllabus projected onto a screen behind him, as the rest of his classmates (who were on time) sat quiet and focused on what he was telling them. The room was almost completely filled, only a few seats left open and none of them were in the back row where, even if seen entering, he could at least have hidden his face for the remainder of the time.

He scanned the room slowly, trying to come up with some semblance of a plan when his eyes landed on an open end spot about halfway up in the middle row. That would have to do.

Slowly, he pulled the door open, trying to be as quiet as possible, and slipped in, keeping to the shadows at the back of the room as he inched along the wall. When the professor turned his back to emphasize something on the screen with his laser pointer, Ed took his chance, quick-stepping down the row and dropping into his previously selected seat. The professor turned back just as Ed was settling back into his seat, carrying on with his speech, not seeming to have noticed a thing.

Ed threw his head back with a sigh of relief, pressing his eyes closed against the headache that he was just now starting to notice. He wished he’d had the foresight to grab a bottle of Tylenol as he was running out of the dorm. It was fine though. He would have time before his next class at 1 p.m. As soon as the lecture was over—

“Ed?”

It was whispered so quietly that Ed had almost missed it, but the familiar voice seemed to carry over everything else in the room. A buoy in an ocean storm.

Ed cracked an eye open slowly, unsure if he even wanted to confirm, and tipped his head in the direction of the voice.

His breath caught, an avalanche of emotion pressing down over him: sadness, fear, guilt— all escaping from the recesses of his mind at once.

No. It couldn’t be. It wasn’t even remotely possible.

“What’re you…” Stede breathed across the space between them, his face aglow with vibrant surprise and hope as he smiled blindingly at Ed.

A supernova.

No— Every late night text message, every ignored phone call, every deleted voicemail…He’d had to do it, had to be cruel to make sure. Because even if they had managed to survive what he had done; even if they somehow could have made it through the time and distance between them, Ed knew that it was only a matter of time before he was seen for what he really was and it would have all fallen apart anyway. Nobody wanted to stay chained to a sinking ship.

Except Stede was here. Sitting in the seat next to him in a lecture hall at the University of Maryland. Not three hundred miles away, not some phantom haunting his dreams, not some distant memory that would eventually fade with time. Here, now, real.

“I—”

The words were stuck in his throat. What could he say? What was he supposed to say when his past was invading his future, existing in the same space; a ghost of a romance that was meant to die with the waves, sun, and sand?

Nothing.

He could do nothing.

Chapter Text

Its odd, the things that our mind choses to remember; tiny insignificant moments that don’t seem out of the norm in our day to day lives sitting next to the major events. In dreams these bits and pieces of our lives fall together in ways that we can neither predict nor decipher the message it is trying to send us. Ed often dreams in such a way, like a reel of old movies spliced together to create a montage of best hits and worst moments.

Tonight, however, the dream is not hazy, vague, clips of his past, but a solid, tangible reminder of the life he had lived. He can hear the sounds of the city, muffled by the walls of his studio apartment in Baltimore, and smell the Chinese takeout dinner. Ed can feel the warm body pressed against him and see the light shining in their eyes. It’s the laughter though, that fills his ears and makes his heart flutter.

"You're kind of an asshole for this."

He pulled Stede closer with a hand to the small of his back and rocked them in another slow circle. "Lies. I'm a romantic."

"Yes, there is nothing more romantic than smelly gym clothes and Chinese takeout," Stede deadpanned, letting himself be spun and pulled back into Ed's arms.

And honestly, it was absolutely ridiculous, but Edward couldn't think of a single thing that would be more romantic than dancing with Stede to no music in the middle of their empty living room, discarded takeout containers littering the floor around them. Sitting together on their make shift couch folding laundry or having their morning coffee together in silence, a close second. It was a goddamn miracle that he was here, that he still got to have this, got to have Stede, after everything, and he was going to cherish every little insignificant moment until he couldn't anymore.

"Are you hating on my date night, star boy?" Ed spun them around and dipped Stede back, brushing their lips together. "I worked really hard on this, you know?" he whispered.

Stede clutched at his shoulders, giggling. "I would never."

"You absolutely would," Ed grinned, pulling them back up straight.

"You love it," Stede teased.

"I love you," he breathed, never having meant something more than those three words.

When the dream fades and he opens his eyes to the sunlight of a new day, he wakes with a smile on his face. It is short lived though as his fingers find the cold, empty space next to him and reality sets back in. This is not 2006. Not Baltimore. Not in the time before he had made the biggest mistake of his life. The same mistake that would land him here in 2022, alone in his bed and dreaming of the things he had given up.

*

Anne poured them both a cup of coffee and pushed into the chair across from him at the table. “Did you get any sleep?”

Ed nodded into his coffee cup, taking a slow slip. “Yeah, little bit. Dreams made me kinda restless.”

Anne sipped her own coffee. “Nightmares are normal when—”

“Not a nightmare,” Ed shook his head setting the cup down on the table. “It was a memory. A good one. Or at least how I remember it.”

Anne wrapped her hands around her mug and leaned back in her chair, eyes assessing. “You still thinking about reaching out?”

Ed sighed, scratching the back of his head, curls ruffling under his fingers. It was starting to get long again. “I think I have to.”

Anne nodded. “And what about him being married?”

Ed laughed, reaching for his mug. “It’s Mary.” Anne’s brow pinched in question as Ed took a drink and sat the mug back down. “Allamby.”

“Holy shit.” Her eyebrows went up in surprise.

“Right?”

“Did not see that one coming.” She lifted her mug blowing into it. “Didn’t she know about you two?”

Ed shook his head. “No. Stede never told her. At least back then. He was too afraid it would get back to his dad. By time we were…” he trailed off, making a vague gesture with his hand. “She had already fucked off back to Connecticut.”

“Sounded like you didn’t think she would know last night. You seemed worried about making trouble for him.”

“I am. I—” Ed averted his eyes, even knowing Anne wouldn’t judge him he couldn’t look her in the face while he remembered. “Last time I tracked him down I made a bigger mess of things. For all I know that’s how he ended up with Mary.” He sniffed and took another drink of his coffee. “Every time I’ve walked back into his life I’ve almost ruined him. Hell,” he threw a hand in the air, “maybe I finally did if he married Mary fucking Allamby.”

Anne reached for him. “Ed, you did not ruin him.” Ed huffed and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, trying to hold back tears again. “Hey. Look at me,” she squeezed his arm where her hand was wrapped around it and he dropped his eyes back to her. “You don’t know what happened that he ended up married to her. But you can find out.”

Ed licked his lips. “Yeah. Yeah, I know. Which is why we’re going to message him.”

Anne drew back with a smile. “That’s what I’m here for. To make sure you don’t say something really cheesy and embarrassing.”

Ed feigned offense. “Never happens. Everything I say is genius.”

“Ha! You act like an absolute idiot when it comes to Stede Bonnet actually.”

Ed laughed. “Yeah, guess I do, don’t I?”

“For twenty fucking years,” she grinned at him. “Now get your phone and let’s see this Instagram. I need to see how much of a dork he is now.”

Ed pulled his phone from his hoodie pocket. “He’s definitely hotter now.”

Anne snatched the phone from his hand as soon as it was unlocked. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

“Ed, wait!” Stede yelled after him as he pushed out of the lecture hall doors and booked it toward the entrance.

Of all the potentials he’d gone over and over in his head of seeing Stede again, this was not one of them.

Ed felt sick, the hangover sitting heavily in his stomach next to a stone of guilt and shame. What could he even say to Stede? There was nothing that could fix or excuse what he’d done. And even if there were, why did Stede want to hear it? Ed was the worst kind of person and Stede should want nothing to do with him.

“Ed!” Stede trailed after him out on to the cobblestone path. “Edward!” He wasn’t going to stop. He couldn’t. If he ran fast and hard enough Stede would eventually— “MOON!”

Ed froze.

“Fuck—” Stede panted as he strode up next to him, book bag slipped from his shoulder and dangling from his arm. “You’re fast.”

Ed steeled himself and turned. “Why are you following me, Stede?”

Stede swallowed and huffed out a breath. “Because I want to talk.”

“About what?” Ed asked, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. “What could you possibly have to say to me?”

“Well I don’t know,” he shrugged. “How about, how are you? Why haven’t you answered any of my calls? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Ed rolled his eyes. “I’m fine. I told you not to contact me. I’m selfish. There. Happy?” He dropped his arms and turned to stalk away but Stede caught him by the arm, just like the last time they’d seen each other. He rounded on Stede, jerking his arm away. “What?” he yelled, more frustrated with himself than angry at Stede.

“What do you mean, what?” You can stand here and have a conversation with me for two minutes. You owe me at least that!” Stede said sternly, but his eyes were pleading.

Fuck!

“Fine,” Ed conceded, softening a bit. He wasn’t going to let his armor down, but he could give Stede the two minutes he asked for.

Ed stood at the end of the counter dumping seven packets of sugar into his coffee, trying to focus on the task rather than watching Stede from the corner of his eye. It had only been a few weeks since Ed had seen him but Stede seemed to have evolved, bloomed, somehow. And Ed was having a hard time looking away from him.

“You didn’t tell me you weren’t going back to Connecticut,” Ed accused when they found an empty table by the windows.

“You didn’t ask,” Stede replied setting his paper coffee cup down to pull off his jacket, tossing it onto the back of his chair before he sat across from Ed. “As a matter of fact, you avoided the subject altogether. For months.”

Ed pulled his own cup to his mouth to hide the frown he could feel forming on his face. “Yeah, well. I told you already. It was never meant to be—”

“Oh, bullshit, Ed.” Stede narrowed his eyes at him, leaning forward on the table so he could speak quietly. “Maybe you convinced yourself that’s true, but I don’t buy it. We had something.”

Ed sat his cup down and stared at him. His blonde hair was just the tiniest bit longer, a few stray strands dangling on his forehead. Ed could feel the itch in his fingers to reach across and swipe them away. He resisted it.

Stede watched him for a moment before leaning back, dragging his cup with him to the edge of the table.

“What happened, Ed?” His eyes dropped to the lid of his cup as he fiddled with the lip. “We—” he pulled at the tab and it popped off in his hand. “And then you acted like it was all nothing.”

Ed eyed the broken plastic as Stede twirled it between his fingers. He didn’t have a reasonable answer to that. Ed knew what had happened, and he’d spent the last month making himself believe it was the right thing to do. Speaking the truth out loud seemed like a betrayal of all that hard work.

"I don't what you want me to say."

Stede looked up at him and his eyes reflected Ed’s own suffering. “I want you to say the truth, moon.”

The nickname hit him like an arrow to the heart, how it still fell so easily from Stede’s lips, dripping with adoration.

God. Maybe he had fucked up?

No. What he’d done, it was for Stede. To protect him from—

From what?

Stede was here and he looked like he had never been in more pain in his life. As if sitting across from Ed was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. And that was all wrong.

All of it, everything he’d said on the beach, walking away, ignore Stede’s every attempt to reach out, was all invalid because it hadn’t protected Stede from anything.

“I—” Ed swallowed thickly, looking down at his hands in his lap. “I lied.”

“I know that,” Stede said sharply and Ed looked up at him. “Why?”

“I don’t—”

“Yes you do.” Stede cut him off, pinning him with a look as he leaned forward again, elbows on the table between them. “You do know and I need you to tell me. I can’t—” he drew in a shaking breath. “I can’t make you want this, Edward. But I can’t move on unless I know why. So, please…” his voice was little more than a whisper.

Ed could feel the tears welling and there was nothing he could do to stop them. If he told the truth, he was a coward. If he didn’t, he was resigning Stede to the very fate he had been trying to save him from.

“I was afraid of what happened if we tried. I was afraid of what happened if we didn’t.” Stede didn’t say anything, just watched him, his own eyes red-rimmed and watery. Ed took a deep breath, striking away a tear that had escaped. “I was scared to let you go and scared to keep you tied to me. And I was terrified of the possibility that I could have this for just long enough that— it would kill me when you did inevitably leave.”

Stede sniffed. “You could have just talked to me, Ed. You could have just told me how you were feeling and we could have talked it through.”

“I was scared. I was— feeling all of these big things I’d never felt before and I— It felt impossible.”

Stede was quiet for a long time, eyes fluttering around as if he could find his next words hidden on the walls of the coffee shop. Then, he pushed back from the table without a word, grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair, and walked out of the shop.

Ed let him go. He had been the one to walk away first, it was only fair that Stede got to be the one to walk away this time. And Ed deserved it. At least this time he could be confident in knowing that Stede would be okay.

Ed picked up his coffee, stomach churning, and gulped down the remainder of what was left. He had his second class in an hour, he needed to at least try to get over this hangover before—

You Were Meant For Me, Jewel, 1996

“Hey.”

Ed turned and— there he was. Sandy curls and eyes like the Atlantic. A spark of recognition lighting in his face as he looked at Ed. A cosmic force. And then he smiled, a star so bright and beautiful that he couldn’t be anything less than a supernova. His supernova.

“Stede,” he said extending his hand to Ed. “I was wondering if I could buy you a coffee?”

"I can't believe you haven't seen this!" Ed commented, as he dropped down next to Stede on his bed, bowl of popcorn in hand. "I mean...Vampires and Stuart Townsend."

Stede laughed. "It has singing. Not real keen on musicals."

Ed dipped a hand into the bowl, grabbing a handful of popcorn. "It's not a musical. It just has music because he's a rock star."

Things weren’t like before, but they were enough.

Ed got to spend time with Stede outside of class and he wasn’t on a work-study assignment. They met for coffee or lunch, studied together in the library, or took walks around campus. They didn’t, however, have sex.

Or kiss.

Or hold hands.

Christ, they didn’t even really touch, aside from a friendly slap to the shoulder or the accidental brush of hands.

Because they were friends.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Ed was going out of his mind with it.

It had been his idea in the first place. Citing his dedication to classes and the need to stay focused on his future. Stede had, predictably, agreed that it was for the best after everything. Truth was though, Ed was still afraid.

Afraid enough that he had placed a set of boundaries for himself that he was finding increasingly more difficult to maintain. Which was why he had avoided them being together alone. Until tonight that was.

Izzy had gone home for the weekend, leaving Ed to his own devices and bad choices, and with the absence of his dick of a roommate, Ed ran headfirst into a terrible one without anyone there to stop him.

Forsaken, Queen of the Damned, Warner Bros, 2002

Stede grabbed his own handful of popcorn, tossing one in the air and catching in his mouth. "A vampire rock star?"

"And Johnathan Davis is his singing voice," Ed gestured toward the opening credits, as the music played, tipping his hand back and dumping the popcorn into his mouth. Stede cocked his head. "From Korn..." He shook his head. "The band...you know...got the life," Ed sang. Stede grinned at him with raised eyebrows and Ed should have known. "You have more learning to do."

A beat passed, both of their hands dipping in and out of the bowl as they watched, commentary from Ed and jokes from Stede passing between them. And this was easy. He wasn’t even sure why he’d been so worried.

Ed reached for the popcorn again, hand landing on Stede’s and they both drew back quickly, muttering apologies. Ed wasn't sure if he meant them. He wanted to touch Stede, wanted Stede to touch him, but he couldn't say that. He had drawn the line in the sand, he had to stay on his side of it.

"Still seems like a musical to me," Stede said suddenly, smirking at him with a full mouth and breaking the tension.

Ed picked up another handful and tossed it at him. Stede chuckled, bright and bubbling in Ed’s ears as he brushed popcorn from his sweater. It was like he got more beautiful, shined brighter with each passing day; a supernova. Ed wanted to kiss him then, to claim back what they used to have. He didn't.

Instead, he picked up another handful and buried his shoulder down into the pillows, angling his body closer to Stede. He saw the flicker of Stede’s eyes from his periphery before he propped his head on his hand, leaning an elbow to the bed. They were close, heads leaned together but not touching as they watched the movie in silence. Ed stole glances at Stede’s face illuminated by the glow of the television in the dark room. He looked ethereal, entranced by the haunting silhouettes and sounds, and Ed was reminded of the night they met, Stede kissing him cast in moon glow.

When Stede’s lips parted slightly on a quiet gasp, Ed almost couldn't resist the urge to break this tentative agreement between them. He did.

This is what he got for now, what he had wanted, and it was enough because it was better than the alternative.

The movie ended and Stede yawned as Ed crossed the room to flick on a light.

"So," Ed prompted, unwilling to let the night end, "what did you think?"

Stede stretched, yawning again into his hand. "Not bad for a musical."

"In that case," Ed moved the empty popcorn bowl to the dresser and flopped back down beside Stede who was now stretched out fully in his bed. "I know exactly what we're watching next week."

"Have I ever told you how much I hate you?" Stede asked with no malice, rolling on his side to face Ed.

His features were soft, heavy with sleep and affection as he stared at Ed.

"Nah...think you kinda like me actually." Ed knew he shouldn't but Stede was so muzzy and warm with sleep, looking at him with that awestruck gaze, that he couldn't really be blamed for reaching over and smoothing the curls back from Stede’s face.

His fingers lingered, dancing feather-light over Stede’s forehead, across his temple, down his jaw. Stede’s eyes fluttered with the contact and he breathed out a contented sigh.

And Ed loved him.

More than he should, more than he thought possible, against his better judgement.

When his hand dropped away, thinking Stede had fallen asleep and moving to get up and go sleep in Izzy’s empty bed, the blonde shot a hand out and grabbed him by the sleeve.

"Stay with me," Stede said, his eyes still pressed closed, an echo of the night they met. Ed hesitated, the words like a scalpel to his tender beating heart. It was a bad idea. Stede’s eyes blinked open and he gazed up at Ed. "Please, Edward."

So he climbed back into his bed, clothes and all, edging Stede over to make room. Once he was in and settled, pulling the comforter from beneath a whining Stede, the blonde snuggled into his side, golden curls tucked under his chin and arm slung over his waist. Ed felt whole, like he had been missing a limb and now it was there again, part of him.

He wrapped a protective arm around Stede’s shoulders and held him to his chest. Tomorrow would be different, he would be better at holding to the boundaries he had set, but tonight he could let himself pretend a little.

"I do, moon," Stede whispered, voice thick with the sleep that was about to take him.

Ed breathed him in, turning to speak into the hair against his cheek. "Do what?"

"Like you," Stede said with a yawn like it wasn't earth-shattering for Ed to hear it. "Always have."

Ed swallowed down the urge to let words roll off his tongue that he couldn't take back and kissed the top of Stede’s head instead, tugging him in closer. It was enough.

"Go to sleep, star boy."

When Ed woke to the sun streaming through the blinds, Stede still wrapped around him, legs tangled together in the covers, he let himself have one last moment to pretend this was his before he slipped from the bed. Stede reached for him in his sleep, mumbling something Ed couldn't understand, and another piece of his heart broke off.

He left Stede there alone, a note scribbled onto a napkin next to his bed letting him know he was going to his work study and would call him later. It took more strength and he thought to do it but it was necessary. Because he needed Stede to know, when he woke to an empty room, that nothing between them had changed.

Ed pulled one of the ancient books from the shelf and turned it over in his hands, flipping open the cover to check the edition.

Stede had made recent mention of a collection of first editions he had back home in Connecticut and with the Holidays fast approaching, Ed was determined to find a single Poe original. This was Maryland after all. There had to be at least a very old edition here somewhere.

He had been clear across town and back looking before someone had suggested this place. It wasn’t too far from campus and Ed needed to pick up some last minute items for his costume anyway, so he’d swung by on his way back to the dorms. So far he hadn’t had any better luck here than at the twelve other book sellers he’d been to but, shit, it was worth a shot.

The sun was already getting low and the orange tint of an autumn sunset painted the sky. He would have to abandon the search after this last book if he wanted to make it back to campus before dark. And he did want to make it back before dark for two reasons: the streets were about to be filled with trick-or-treaters and he was meeting Stede at the library for a night study session.

Halloween had always been Ed’s favorite holiday. It was the one day of the year you could be anything that you wanted and nobody batted an eye. Not to mention the chill of the air and smell of fireplaces lit drifting on the breeze. Or at least, that’s what he loved about Halloween back home. There was just something different about it here in the city. At least he would still be able to dress up for the costume party at the Xi Kappa Nu tomorrow night. Which he only had an invite to by extension of Stede, who was a legacy and pledging per tradition.

Ed scanned the inside of the book looking for anything that resembled a date when the bell over the door chimed, almost like the universe giving him a warning, and he gave up, sliding the book back into its place on the shelf.

“Hello, again,” said a bright voice the moment he rounded the corner of the aisle and Ed looked up to find the petite brunette from move-in day. “Ed, right?” she asked, she smile big and kind.

“Uh, yeah. And you’re Mary?”

She gave him a quick nod and leaned against the front counter, which was unoccupied at the moment. “How’s your semester been so far?”

Ed adjusted the strap of his bag across his chest and shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket with a shrug. “Not too bad. How about yourself?”

“Its been fine. I was disappointed I hadn’t seen you around more,” she cocked her head at him expectantly.

“Oh, yeah, well…,” he said shrugging again. He glanced at the clock over the counter. He didn’t really have time for small talk right now, Stede would be waiting for him in the library. “Big campus.”

“Guess your right,” she giggled. “Any big plans tonight?”

Ed shifted his feet feeling impatient. “No. Nah. Just studying with a friend.”

She nodded, her big curls bouncing around her face. “Well I won’t keep you, I just wanted to say hi.”

“Sure. Uh, guess I’ll see you around then.”

He paused, waiting a beat to see if she was going to say anything else before he moved to step around her, heading toward the door.

“Hey, Ed?” she called out just before he could push out back onto the quickly cooling street.

He turned back to her. “Yeah?”

“Would you maybe wanna get a coffee sometime? Or a drink or something?” She dropped her eyes, toying with one of the buttons on her coat. Oh shit. Was she asking him out? That was, well, flattering but… “Its just— I don’t really know many people around here and my roommate kinda sucks, and I thought maybe—”

“There’s a party,” he said quickly, regretting it as soon as the words left his mouth and she looked up at him excitedly. Fuck. It wasn’t like he wanted to go out with her, he just would have felt like a jerk saying no after her whole rant, and a public party was definitely better than an intimate coffee date. Date? Oh, fuck him, he sucking sucked. “Tomorrow night. At Xi Kappa Nu,” he added. Maybe she would just show up on her—

“Great! I’m at the Cambridge dorm. Pick me up around 9?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Uh— yeah, okay. 9 is good.”

No, Ed! It is not good. In fact, it’s very very bad!

Mary’s face lit up like he’d just proposed and Ed could feel the anxiety rise immediately.

“Awesome,” she said, bouncing on her heels. “I’ll be ready.”

“Cool, cool. I guess, I’ll see you then.”

She nodded at him just as the shop employee returned behind the counter and she turned her attention to asking for a book, allowing Ed the chance to make a break for it.

Fuck! This was going to be a problem.

McKeldin Library, UMD Campus

By the time Ed stopped to pick up his books from his room and made it to the library, Stede was already stationed at their usual table. He looked up at Ed as he came through the door with a smile that could knock the wind off course and Ed consciously reminded himself that kissing him was not an option. Line, sand.

“Hey. Sorry I’m running late,” Ed said, pulling his messenger bag over his head and dropping it into the empty seat. “Got caught up with my costume.”

Stede tapped his pen against his open notebook. “I wish you’d tell me what it is so I could match you.”

Ed pulled his book from his bag, shaking his head. “Nope. You’ll just have to wait and see. Have you not gotten a costume yet?”

“Had a few ideas but I was hoping I could convince you before tomorrow.” Stede widened his big hazels, batting his eyes.

“Nah-uh. Not gonna work, star boy.” Ed shook a finger at him. “Those things don’t work on me anymore.”

It was the wrong thing to say. It was never a good idea to challenge Stede when he wanted something, competitive as he was, and he doubled down on his efforts.

Ed laughed and flipped open his notebook. “Fucking cheater.”

“I take high offense to that. I’ve never done a thing wrong ever,” Stede said in mock offense. Ed rolled his eyes, dropping them down to his notes pretending to focus on the work they needed to get done instead of Stede’s distractingly, entrancing eyelashes. “And it does,” he added when he seemed to think Ed was no longer paying attention.

“What does what?” Ed asked, distracted.

“Still works on you.” Ed glanced up at him. Stede’s eyes were on his own book, pen clenched between his teeth, as he smiled. “Some things never change, moon.”

Ed watched the way Stede’s face dimpled in the pale glow of the library lights and Ed didn’t know that he would ever stop feeling the pang in his heart when he looked at Stede. The joy, the pain, the guilt; the overwhelming desire to reach out and touch. Ed wanted him. And that was something he could say with absolute certainty would never change. Even though he would never let himself have it again.

“No, guess they don’t.”

Chapter Text

November 1st, 2002

Warning, All Too Much, The Craft Soundtrack, 1996

~*~

“You’re really going to wear that? To a frat party?”

“It’s Halloween, Iz. I can wear whatever the fuck I want and nobody’s going to say shit.”

Ed adjusted the plaid skirt again in the mirror until he was satisfied and then dropped down on his bed to pull on his combat boots.

“What the fuck you supposed to be anyway?” Izzy asked pulling on his black leather jacket. “Some kinda vampire?”

Ed propped a foot up on the bed to lace his boot. “Nancy. From The Craft.” He dropped his foot back to the floor and glanced up at Izzy on the other side of the room when he didn’t get any indication of recognition. “You know…the movie?” Izzy stared at him blankly. “About the— You know what, nevermind.” He waved a hand to say forget it and pointed at his roommate. “What’re you?”

Izzy looked down at himself and back to Ed. “James Dean.”

Ed pulled his other boot on and stood. “You look like you do every other day.”

“Yeah,” he responded, eyes narrowed as if he was confused. “’Cause I’m fucking cool.”

Ed snorted a response and gave himself one last check in the mirror. “So are you coming to the party or what?”

“Pass.” Ed glared at him in the reflection as he adjusted his fishnets and Izzy just shrugged. “Not really a frat party kinda guy. And neither are you.”

Ed groaned. Here came the lecture. “Don’t start, Iz.”

Izzy started anyway. “You wouldn’t be going to this party if it wasn’t for that preppy fuck, and you know it.” Ed abandon his preening and moved to his closet to grab his own black leather. “I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself, Ed. Is it really worth it?”

“It’s just a Halloween party, man. I’m not getting fucking married.” Ed pulled on the jacket and adjusted the collar. “And I told you like a hundred times already, we’re not together. Stede and I are just friends.”

Izzy grunted in disapproval. “Could’ve fooled me.”

Ed tried not to think about what was going to happen when he showed up with Mary. He’d had a minor spiral earlier and had come to the conclusion that he would just explain what happened to Stede. He would understand. It wasn’t like having Mary along would prevent him from hanging out with Stede the whole night. Because this wasn’t an actual date.

Not really.

“Ed!” Mary shouted with a hand in the air as she came out of the hall doors and quickened her pace to reach him at the end of the sidewalk. “Hey,” she said, half out of breath, her eyes darting over his outfit and back to his face. “Cool vampire outfit.”

No doubt. “Thanks,” he replied, giving her the best version of a smile he could muster. “And you’re a…”

“Fairy!” She spun, giving her wings a little shake before turning back to him with an excited smile.

“Right. Of course.” Ed shoved his hands into his jacket pockets and motioned down the street. “You ready?”

“Yes.” Mary nodded enthusiastically and slide her arm through Ed’s, linking them together.

It felt strange and wrong to have her hanging off his arm. Maybe he needed to make it clear that he wasn’t interested. She seemed nice enough, and this way there was no confusion.

“Thank you,” Mary said as they started down the street.

Ed looked down at her clutching onto him like a lifeline and there was that sadness again in her soft eyes as she gazed back at him. He knew better than anyone the way that loneliness looked; how even when you were surrounded by a room full of people you could drown in the darkness of it. Ed could recognize a kindred soul and Mary was not the bright, bubbly girl she seemed on the outside.

“You’re welcome.”

Ed would make sure the status of their relationship was clear. Eventually. Right now, Mary needed to know that she wasn’t alone; that there was someone in the room willing to drown with her.

The Xi Kappa Nu house was massive and filled to the brim with slutty nurses, alcohol, and every sleazy guy on campus looking to get laid.

Billy would have loved it.

Ed was far less impressed.

Sometimes Izzy did know what he was talking about. Even if he was being a dick about it.

“You want something to drink?” Ed yelled to Mary over the music as they made their way into the crowd.

“Sure!” she said looking around, her expression slightly intimidated.

Ed couldn’t say he blamed her. It was elbow to elbow, a pulsing, living being of college students. The further they pushed into the house, the harder it was to maneuver through. Each new room seemed to be more full than the last, the music and lights and assault on the senses. And Ed was hyper aware that Stede was roaming around somewhere as Mary pulled away briefly to slide her hand into his.

He needed to chill. Him and Stede were just friends. He wasn’t doing anything wrong by having Mary there. Or holding her hand. Or bringing her to the brightly lit kitchen to get them both a drink. He didn’t need to be in his head about the way she leaned into him when anyone else got to close, or the way she kept finding reasons to touch him, or how the more she drank the closer she got as she talked. None of it was a problem. At least not for him and Stede. Because they weren’t together.

Oh, hell. Who the fuck was he kidding? It was a problem.

It was a problem because Ed didn’t want—

“Mary?”

She glanced over Ed’s shoulder, her eyes and smile growing exponentially bigger with joyful recognition.

“Oh my god!”

She handed Ed her cup as she stepped around him and Ed turned with her, ever the polite date (not a date) ready to be introduced to the old friend. Maybe this was his saving grace, her running into someone she actually knew, who she could fuck off into a corner with and reminisce about old times, and Ed could go find—

“Stede Bonnet!” she giggled, wrapping Stede in a tight hug. “What are you doing in Maryland?”

 “You know…” Stede said, locking eyes with Ed across the distance as he crushed Mary against his chest. “I’m not really sure anymore.”

“Who’s your friend?” Stede asked with a smile as Mary pulled away from him, but Ed could see the cold disappointment in his eyes.

“Oh!” Mary turned, taking a step back into Ed’s space and swiping her cup from his hand. “This is Ed,” she said grinning up at him as she leaned into his side, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of Stede staring daggers at them. At Ed. “My date.”

There was a beat of silence that seemed to drag on into eternity and Ed’s stomach plummeted when Stede extended a hand to him.

“Stede,” he said with a fire so hot Ed was sure he’d be scalded if he reached for him.

Ed couldn’t do anything but flicker his gaze between the hand in front of him and Stede’s expressionless face. This was a fucking mess of epic proportions.

“Do you two know each other?” Mary looked between them and Stede dropped his hand.

“Something like that,” Stede said, finally dragging his eyes away to look back at Mary. “I don’t want to interrupt. We’ll catch up later, Mary.” He gave her a tight lipped smile that Ed knew was just for show before turning to Ed with a quick nod. “Edward. I’m sure I’ll see you around,” he said dismissively, turning on his heel and disappearing out of the kitchen.

Fuck. Fuck!

Swing Swing, All American Rejects, 2002

It was around midnight when Mary started wandering off on her own, half lit and lacking inhibitions. The crowds didn’t seem to mind her erratic behavior, specifically her table dancing, but Ed felt responsible for her and, frankly, he was fucking tired. Tonight was supposed to be a good time and he'd managed to do little else than piss Stede off and get his date (not a date) wasted to the point of dancing on counter tops, which led him to become a sober babysitter for a nice girl he barely knew. Not to mention, he hadn’t seen Stede since their interaction in the kitchen.

Ed pulled Mary down from the dining table with a hand around her waist as she giggled into a solo cup. “C’mon, I think it’s time I get you home.”

She held on to him, arm slung around his neck as her feet hit the floor. She swayed back and Ed grabbed her around the waist pulling her back up before she could go down completely, rocking her in the other direction, straight into his chest.

“I’m not ready to go,” she laughed. “This is fun. Unless…” She stared up at him, bleary-eyed and hazy, a strange expression on her face as she pressed in closer.

Oh.

Oh— Nope!

“I, uh…” Ed tried, and Mary somehow tripped over her own feet while standing completely still. “I think you need some sleep.”

Mary wrapped her other arm over his shoulder. “Some sleep? Or some sleep?” she asked with a wriggle of her eyebrows, her face inches from his own.

Fucking Christ.

“Some sleep sleep, Mary. And some water. C’mon,” he gripped her hips trying to turn her toward the door but she resisted, giggling to herself.

“You know…you’re really pretty, Ed.” He hiccupped, rocking back on her heels as she tried to steer them out of the crowd. “Like really pretty.” Ed looked down at her, unsure what the appropriate way to respond was. He didn’t want to spur her on but he didn’t know what she would remember and he also didn’t want to be mean. Mary’s eyes went wide looking up at him as she stepped backward, directed by Ed’s hands. “Fuck,” she breathed. “You’re prettier than me!”

Ed rolled his eyes. “No, I’m not.”

“No. I’m serious.” Her feet were suddenly planted and Ed crashed into her as they came to a stop in the middle of the living room. “Everyone has been looking at you all night.”

“I’m a dude in a skirt.”

“It’s not that. It’s—” She put a hand to his face, her eyes flickering over him. “Like the way Stede looked at you earlier.” Ed’s breath caught in his throat. Shit. Fuck! “I’ve known him most of my life and…” She laughed a little at herself, eyes still roaming his face. “He’s never looked at me like that.”

Ed stared at her, waiting for a spark of recognition but it never came. She just patted his face with another giggle and laid her head against his chest.

“You don’t look at me like that either,” she said into his chest, melancholy lacing her words, and it made Ed’s heart ache.

He wished that he could make it better for her, to give her what she wanted. He remembered that longing; that deep, cutting pain of watching everyone else have someone and wondering when it would be his time.

All Ed had ever wanted was to feel that. To have someone look at him with affection, smile when he walked in a room, wanted to be near him. He had wanted it so badly he had been willing to give parts of himself to people who would never have given him the same in return, and with each new interaction he had lost a little part of his heart that he could never get back. So much so that Ed felt like a corpse, walking around with disease inside of him. And then, there he was.

Sand and waves. Bright and shining. And Ed had felt himself come to life again.

It was different from the times before, because each piece of himself that he had given to Stede, the blonde replaced with a piece of his own. Stede hadn’t just replaced the pieces he’d taken, but repaired the jagged edges that others had left behind too, filled in the gaps with gold and silver, and—

Together they were whole.

Motherfucker! Together they were whole!!

It hit Ed like a goddamn freight train, the true consequences of his actions in Ocean City, in drawing lines that neither of them wanted, in showing up to this party with Mary. Ed had had the one thing that he always wanted and he’d treated it, treat him, the same way everyone else had treated Ed before. Like he was dispensable.

He needed to find Stede. Now.

Mary groaned in his arms. Fuck! He needed to find Stede, but first he had to get Mary home safe.

He hefted Mary up, pulling her away from where she was laying against him, and her eyes fluttered open.

“I’m sorry, Mary. I shouldn’t have brought you to this party.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re nice. And you are very pretty.” She smiled at the compliment. “But—”

Before Ed could finish his whole apology, Mary pushed up on her toes and kissed him. Right there. In the middle of the frat house living room.

Which was the exact same moment he found Stede, stationed on one of the couches, sandwiched between a black cat and a sexy nun.

And Stede, of course, found him too.

Chapter Text

Pain and anger flickered across Stede’s face and he stood abruptly, maneuvering around the girls crowded next to him with murmured apologies.

“Stede,” Ed called out to him, gently directing Mary away from his face. “Stede, please—” Mary staggered again with the movement and Ed pulled her back against his chest, wrapping an arm around her for support. “Wait!”

But Stede was already gone, swallowed up by the masses, and Mary was fading quickly.

“Okay, c’mon. Home we go,” he told her, directing her toward the exit once more.

He would have to come back to talk to Stede. There was no other options. All he could do was pray to a God he didn’t believe in that by time he got here, Stede would be willing to listen. Again.

~*~

Ed got Mary back to her dorm. Not easily, he might add, and much to her roommates chagrin. But he got her there safe and sound, handing her off to the annoyed roommate, and then booking it as fast as he could back across campus.

Stede was only going to forgive him so many times, and he was already on his second chance. A chance that he wouldn’t have given himself if he was in Stede’s shoes. The likelihood that this conversation, if there even was one, would go his way was slim to none. Not after he had watched Ed be assaulted by Mary’s lips, and Ed had watched Stede crack open with a look that closely rivaled the one he’d given Ed on the beach.

The party was starting to slow down by the time Ed fell back through the door, the room more empty than when he’d left, but the music and lights still going. There was a moment of fear as Ed popped in and out of the rooms searching for him that Stede had left to go back to his own dorm, but that fear was quickly replaced with a new one when he heard Stede’s voice coming from the dining room.

Ed rounded the corner with a desperation that ached all the way down to his bones, scanning the room for the boy whose voice he could pick out of a filled stadium. And then he saw him, leaned against the far wall, body angled toward the guy he was talking to, a hand running through his sandy curls as he laughed flirtatiously at something Ed was sure wasn’t actually funny by the way his smile didn’t crinkle his eyes. Stede’s eyes flicked to Ed for only a second before they returned to his mark and he licked his lips.

Not happening.

“Stede,” Ed said as he approached, pushing in beside where the random guy was leaning a hand to the wall next to Stede’s head. “I need to talk to you.”

“Can it wait? I’m a little busy at the moment.” His eyes never left the guys face as he spoke.

Ed looked to the guy and back to Stede. “Not really. It’s kinda important.”

Stede threw him an annoyed look and the guy turned his head towards Ed with an impatient expression. “Fuck off, dude. We’re talking.”

The guy was grizzled and reeked of Axe body spray, his shoulder length hair pulled back haphazardly in a low pony. He was wearing a cop costume, a set of real cuffs dangling from his belt next to an unrolled string of condoms. He was the definition of a sleazy frat guy. There was no way that Stede was actually into him.

Ed ignored tone of warning in the guys voice, keeping his eyes on Stede’s face. “Please, Stede.”

“Man, did you not hear him? He said—” Grizzly started, hand dropping from the wall so he could step into Ed’s space.

Ed finally looked over at him. “I’m not talking to you.”

Grizzly bucked up, pressing in, a menacing look in his eye.

“It’s alright, Jack,” Stede interrupted with a hand between them and Grizzly, or Jack rather, fell back. “This’ll only takes a second.” He shot Ed a look and he backed off too, taking a step back so that Stede could pass between them. “I’ll be right back.”

“Sure thing, dollface,” Jack said, giving Stede a wink before taking a swig of the beer he’d been holding.

Stede grabbed Ed’s arm as he passed, pulling him toward the entryway and Ed threw one final look back at Jack before he was pulled around the corner.

“What the fuck are you doing, Ed?” Stede rounded on him, dropping his grip from Ed’s arm, when they reached the bottom of the staircase.

He tried to meets Stede’s eyes but the blonde averted them before he could. “What am I doing? What are you doing?” Stede crossed his arms over his chest. “That guy? Really?”

“Oh, save it. You’ve got no room to talk.” Stede shot him a cutting look, a single brow raised in his direction. “Where is Mary, by the way?”

It was cold and Ed knew he deserved it, but all his head could think about was Jack’s hands on Stede’s body, Jack’s mouth on Stede’s lips, Jack’s name sung in praise, and he was losing his mind with it.

“You gonna go home with him?” Ed asked, blood boiling, ignoring that Stede spoke at all.

“Fuck you, Edward! You have a lot of fucking nerve coming in here to lecture me when you walked in tonight with someone else “

“That was an accident,” Ed waved it off, mind stuck in a rage spiral.

Stede laughed. “An accident? What, did you trip and fall on her lips?”

“That— No! Goddamn it Stede, she kissed me! You were right there.”

“Yep I was. And I saw the whole thing. I’m sure the rest was an accident too.” Stede’s voice shook with anger, but he didn’t raise it. “Your arms around her, the way she looked at you, the way— The way she was touching you. That was all an accident too, right?”

Ed sighed. He knew how it must have looked. “No. But—” Stede nodded and turned back for the dining room, and Ed caught him by the elbow. “But it wasn’t what it looked like.” Stede didn’t look at him but he didn’t pull away either. “I don’t want her, star. I want you.”

“You don’t,” Stede said confidently, still facing away from him. “You’ve made that clear with all your rules. And that’s okay, I can respect that.” He turned his head, eyes dropping to where Ed’s fingers were wrapped around his arm. “But you can’t keep me from everyone else either.” His eyes flickered to Ed’s face. “You gotta let me go, moon.”

Ed stared at him, trying to find the words that could fix this, to tell Stede that he was wrong. Ed did want him. He never stopped. And, fuck— Yes, he kept fucking this up, but that didn’t mean he had ever stopped loving Stede. He wouldn’t let him go, couldn’t. There had to be something, anything, to make him see, to keep him from going back to Jack.

Stede started to tug away and Ed tightened his grip.

To hell with it all…

It had been almost three months since Ed had said those words on the beach and walked out of Stede’s life. Three months since he’d told Stede he loved him and Stede had loved him back. Three months since the last time he had let himself feel the potential of hope.

It had been almost three months since the last time Ed had kissed him, tenderly or passionately or with a fierce need burning under his skin.

And it was the single most miraculous thing that had ever happened in the history of the universe when Ed spun Stede into his arms and kissed him like it would be the last.

“I want you, star,” Ed breathed against his lips, their hearts drumming together (muscle memory). “Now. Tomorrow. For as long as I’m allowed.”

“You’ve always had me, moon.” Stede said, a hand clutching the leather jacket, holding Ed to him. “You’re my sky.”

“Did he touch you?” Ed asked, barely able to remove his lips from Stede’s skin as they tripped over the threshold of the pool house, pulling the door closed behind them. “Thinking about it is making me crazy.”

“No,” Stede shook his head with a gasp, Ed’s mouth sliding lower to suck marks into his neck while his arms wrapped around Stede’s middle. Stede carded his fingers through Ed’s hair, head thrown back against the door Ed had him pressed into. “No he didn’t—”

Ed moved lower, running hot streaks of his tongue along Stede’s collarbone. “I didn’t— with Mary, I didn’t.”

Stede’s chest heaved and he clenched a fist into Ed’s hair. “I know.”

“You know?” Ed asked as he mouthed along Stede’s shoulder, hands pushing up under the hem of his Henley. Stede’s skin was hot under his hands and the understanding that someone else had almost had it instead of him was igniting a fire low in his belly.

Ed pulled them flush with a hand to the small of Stede’s back and they both hissed in a breath.

“She wouldn’t,” Stede explained, pushing Ed lower with a hand to the top of his head. “It’s part of her— shit— arrangement.”

“Arrangement?” Ed looked up at him, pushing at the hem of his shirt and Stede reached down to pull it over his head.

“Marriage,” Stede said, tossing his shirt to the floor. “Her parents— It’s void if she isn’t a virgin.”

Ed wrapped his hands around the back of Stede’s thighs and stood, lifting him as he went. “That’s fucking sick.”

Stede linked his arms around Ed’s shoulders, stabilizing himself. “Tell me about it,” he said when Ed was eye level with him again. “This is hot by the way.”

Ed grinned at him. “It is, isn’t it?” And Stede kissed him about it.

“Ed. Ed, please?” Stede keened under him, body trying to arch off the floor but held in place by one of Ed’s hands, a firm grip tugging at his hair. “I need— I-I can’t—”

Ed pulled off with an obscene sound, mouth and eyes wet with his effort. “Can’t what, star boy?”

He hooked his fingers and Stede cussed under his breath, the hand not entwined in Ed’s hair curling into the blanket under him. “This is torture!”

Ed ran a hand along the outside of his thigh, placing small, gentle kisses to the inside, before hooking his fingers again and listening as Stede’s frustrated grunt turned into a moan.

“You we’re gonna let someone else do this to you,” Ed accused, his tone teasing.

Stede huffed, pushing up on his elbows to look down at Ed between his knees. “I think Jack’s more of a ‘get right to the point’ type actually.”

Ed pulled his fingers almost all of the way out and Stede growled in annoyance. “Were you really going to fuck that poser?”

“Ugh, Ed!” Stede threw himself back down.

It was a weird question to ask, but the need to know was too strong, and the desire to claim Stede as his own was even stronger.

“Tell me,” Ed demanded. “If I hadn’t come back when I did, were you going to fuck him?”

“I—” Stede threw a hand over his face. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

Ed pulled away completely, moving so that he was leaning over Stede, and pulled his hand away. Stede’s breath was ragged, body flushed, and Ed wanted to kiss him, to drink him in, but he resisted.

“Why?”

Stede swallowed and opened his eyes. “Because you were being an idiot and I— I needed to feel wanted.”

Ed kissed him then, overcome with the weight of his bad decisions. He could have lost this forever. Almost had. Stede was wanted and the fact that he had felt anything otherwise was a painful realization. What had Ed thought would happen when he kept pushing him away, kept enforcing a set of rules that Ed had made up and convinced himself they were to protect Stede? It was stupid. Ed had been stupid.

“I want you.” Kiss. “I’ve always wanted you.” Kiss. “Since the moment I first saw you.” Kiss. “Every second—” Kiss. “Of every day—”

Stede stopped him with a hand to his chest. “Show me.”

And that was something Ed could do.

Ed kissed him again. Slow and sugar sweet, and with every emotion that had been threatening to spill over his lips for the last three months he had been denying them both. Maybe he wasn’t ready to say the words again yet, but he could show Stede all the ways in which he did love him.

Stede lifted his hips, humming into the kiss, and Ed gasped with the contact, his blood coursing white hot in his veins. Every instinct in him was screaming to have, head buzzing with desire. He wanted to take this slow, but the months of keeping his wanting on the back burner was the driving force, and Ed found himself lacking the ability to tap on the breaks.

They kissed like they were hungry for it, starved, and Stede tasted like funnel cake and whiskey, bodies sweat slick and grinding into each other until the blood rushed in Ed’s ears and he couldn’t stand it any longer. He fumbled to find the condom he had been carrying around for months and dizzily got it on, dropping back to kiss Stede breathless as he guided him to wrap his legs around his waist. With a command he did not seem to possess, Ed pushed into him slowly, hot murmurs of urging breathed between them.

The words whispered were nonsensical but Ed wanted more of them, to be covered in Stede’s praise and desire and love. Stede sobbed and gasped and clutched and moaned, and it was music unlike any other, a melody he knew. The melody of them, together, whole.

It was different from their first time, the aching need that had filled him so completely then restrained by his fear that he would hurt Stede. But he had hurt him, in ways that he would forever regret, and now Stede needed to be shown, convinced, of that regret.

“Moon,” the name gasped against his lips like a prayer and Ed kissed it from his mouth in reverence. “Please.”

Like a dam broken, the tidal force of everything Ed had been holding back spilled forward, and he let himself get lost in it.

Each thrust of his hips was an ecstasy all new. He watched with rapt attention each minute expression on Stede’s face, searching, memorizing each one. This was his. He didn’t know for how long, couldn’t predict the mistakes he would make that were still to come, but right here, right now the galaxies glowing in Stede’s eyes were all for him.

Stede was a star. His star. His supernova. Barreling towards an end, burning through him, bright and effervescent, and wholly, completely, all-consumingly his.

Tomorrow there would be scars, deep and crescent shaped, in his back and his heart.

“I love you. I love you. I love you, moon,” Stede chanted into his neck, holding him tightly as meteors crashed around them. “You’re my sky.”

But even in this moment, when it seemed that nothing could be more perfect and he couldn’t be more whole, Ed could not bring himself to say the words, afraid to jinx what he had only just gotten back.

Chapter Text

Marie threw a new referral down on his desk and dropped into the empty chair. “Have you heard anything back yet?”

“No,” Ed said, tapping repeatedly at the enter button as if it would make his decade old computer work any faster. “Can’t we get some updated tech in this place?”

Marie leaned forward and grabbed a paperclip, unbending it and then re-bending it around her finger. “Not unless you wanna pay for it.”

Ed sighed and pulled his glasses off, spinning to face her. “Its been a month since Anne and I sent the message. I don’t think he’s going to answer it.”

“Have you even checked to see if he got it?” Marie fiddled with the clip, tipping her head towards his phone setting on the dock next to him.

Ed looked over at the phone. “Was kinda hoping I wouldn’t need to.”

Marie groaned, tossing the clip away. “No wonder Anne babies you.” She stood and snatched the phone up.

“She does not,” Ed grumbled.

Marie shot him a look. “She does. Unlock it,” she said turning the phone to him.

Ed held up his glasses and tapped in his password, dropping them on his desk when he was done. “Maybe it’s time to let it go, Marie. I mean it’s been twenty fucking years—”

“Language,” she scolded without looking up from his phone.

He ignored her. “—what are even the chances that he would—”

“There’s a message.”

“What?” Ed shot up in his seat, leaning over to see what she was looking at.

“You have your notifications turned off dumbass.” Marie clicked around quickly and then swiped back to the message. “There,” she said handing him the phone back, “ now you won’t miss any others.”

“What’s it say?” Ed squinted at the blurry text.

“Put on your glasses old man river,” she snarked, standing to grab them from his desk and handing them to him. “Make sure you call Anne before you send a reply. For both of our sanity, please.” Marie kissed the top of his head as she moved to the door. “And get that screening done before Lisa has our asses,” she said on her way out the door.

Ed gave her a nod, and when she vanished from sight he slid his glasses into place and unlocked the phone again.

~*~

They had a standing study date every Wednesday that regularly devolved into them making out and fucking. At this point, there wasn’t a surface in Ed’s room they hadn’t screwed on, much to Izzy’s dismay. It was Ed’s favorite day of the week for obvious reasons.

Things had been good, to say the least. Not just because Ed and Stede were back to fucking like rabbits either, although it didn’t hurt. But Ed felt reinvigorated, ready to take on the world, kick ass at school, and prove to Stede he could do better— be better— for him.

They hadn’t really discussed the status of their relationship, not explicitly, just falling back into the same place they had left off in Ocean City, but Ed wasn’t worried about it. He didn’t need to put a label on what he had with Stede, it was undefinable as far as he was concerned. All that mattered was he had Stede back, in all the ways that did matter, and they were in love.

Okay, well he hadn’t really been explicit about that yet either, but he was sure that Stede knew. How could he not? Ed showed him every day how much Stede meant to him, and he would continue to do everything within his power until he could bring himself to say the words out loud.

Tonight he thought he would grab some burgers for them before heading back to the dorms. Stede would be at least another hour, his intro to psych class not ending for another 40 minutes still, and Ed wanted to surprise him with this new place across town that he kept talking about.

The diner was 50s style, a metal box with a checkered sign, milkshake counter, and red booths. “Dream a Little Dream” played from the jukebox when Ed stepped in, making a beeline for the counter as he hummed along to the song. It wasn’t the version he remembered from his youth, the old 80s movie a staple for him when he was younger, but the general tune was the same. Ed slid onto one of the stools and plucked the menu up, scanning the inside for the perfect dinner that Stede would love.

Dream a Little Dream of Me, Mickey Curtis, Dream a Little Dream Soundtrack, 1989

(the version Ed knows)

A giddy laugh suddenly filled the small space, and Ed smiled with the joyful sound. He knew that kind of laughter. The kind that started in your belly and worked it’s way through your veins, warming you from the inside out. It was the kind of laughter that only a certain person could pull from you, even with the stupidest jokes you had ever heard. It was the bright, buoyant laughter of a person in love.

The laughter died out only to surge again, this time joined with another, and Ed turned on instinct, his every molecule attuned to pick that specific laugh out of a crowd.

“Stede?” he asked the back of a head, tuff of sandy curls just barely poking over the top of the booth.

Stede turned with one of his classic smiles that flattened the moment his eyes met Ed’s, expression a sickening mix of surprise and fear. Ed felt his stomach plummet to his feet, sure he'd done something very wrong to elicit that reaction.

“Stede?” echoed another voice— a softer, more feminine voice. “Everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah.” Stede schooled his face and turned back to the person in the booth as Ed threw down the menu and crossed the diner. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Ed had half expected it to be Mary sat across from his— maybe boyfriend?— in the booth. He had been wrong.

She was petite, her long, red hair crimped in sections and clipped back from her beautiful face in a butterfly clip, green eyes flickering between the two boys in confusion.

“Anne, this is my roommate, Ed.” Stede turned back to him, eyes pleading with his next words. “Ed, this Anne…"

"…my girlfriend.”

The atmosphere was suddenly devoid of oxygen and Ed had to steady himself with a hand to the booth so he didn’t collapse. Was the room spinning? Or maybe the ground was quaking under his feet. He needed to sit down, or drink some water, or run away and cry.

“Wow! Stede, you didn’t tell me how handsome he is,” Anne said distantly, the sound of her kind voice muffled.

A tap to his leg grounded him momentarily and he realized she was standing to lean over the table, hand extended toward him. He glanced at Stede for— he wasn’t sure why— and Stede gave him that look of pleading again. He didn’t really understand what was happening but he took a deep breath anyway and forced himself to meet her eye.

Ed gripped her hand in his. It was soft, and small, so much smaller than his own. “Great to meet you, Anne. Finally. I’ve heard so much about you the last few months.”

He didn’t know what possessed him to say it, but he shot a glance at Stede, immediately regretting it. Stede stared up at him, eyes pained and jaw clenching.

“It’s lovely to meet you too, Ed. If he talks about me half as much as he talks about you, we’re besties already,” she said with a bright, genuine smile, giving Ed’s hand one last squeeze before dropping it and falling back into her seat. “Why don’t you join us?” She gestured to the spot next to Stede.

“Oh, no. That’s alright. I don’t want to intrude. I was just gonna grab something to go.” He shot a look at Stede who was watching him expectantly. “Have a study date I don’t want to be late for.”

He wouldn't have caught Stede flinch if he didn’t know him so well, it was such the faintest change in his features.

“Oh well,” Anne said brightly and Ed turned back to her. “Maybe next time.”

She didn’t see it. She didn’t know Stede well enough to notice the shift in his energy or the new twitch of his face as he looked between Ed and Anne.

“For sure,” Ed confirmed with a smile that was probably far to big for the circumstances before turning back to Stede. “I’ll see you around, man,” he said with a squeeze to Stede’s shoulder and then nodded over to Anne. “Great to meet you.”

“You too, Ed. I’m holding you to dinner with us next time though.”

Anne flashed him another brilliant smile that Ed returned and then he turned, heading toward the counter, deciding about halfway there, he wasn’t hungry anymore. The burst of confidence from moments ago turned to a lead weight in his stomach, weighing him down and making him sick with something he would call grief. He turned abruptly, ignoring Stede’s concerned calls, and fled out into the parking lot, the swinging door of the diner banging closed as he stumbled his way down the stairs.

He heard the door open and close again behind him. “Ed!” Stede’s voice rang in his ears. Ed ignored him. “Ed! Wait!”

He managed to make it all the way to the sidewalk before he had to sit down, his legs giving out under him with an aching pain that went from his chest to his toes. His vision blurred, chest tight as he tried to drag in breath after breath. He slid to the ground, back resting against what he assumed was a street ad.

“Ed!” A hand to his shoulder. “Ed, look at me.” He tried to move but his limbs were underwater. “In— 2…3. Out— 3…2…1.” Stede’s voice was far away, but Ed could feel himself following the directions over and over, until his sight started to clear and his breathing returned to normal. He wanted to go to sleep. To lay right down there on the side of Route 50 and die. Fuck everything! “Good. It’s okay, see? You’re alright, moon. Just keep breathing.”

“Don’t call me that,” he managed to choke out, eyes focused on an orange leaf caught under his boot. “You don’t get to call me that now.”

“Edward,” Stede groaned, sounding exhausted. “Can we not do this right here?”

“You have a fucking girlfriend, Stede!” Ed looked over at him finally, hands thrown out in frustration toward the diner behind them.

“Guess not.” Stede settled back against the sign next to him with a huff, pulling his knees up in front of him.

A tense beat passed, Ed leaning forward to take the orange leaf between his fingers and twirling it as Stede played with the hem of his sleeve, neither looking at the other.

Stede broke the silence first. “I didn’t lie to you, Ed.”

Ed scoffed. “Yeah, well… an omission is just as fucking bad and you know it. It’s whatever though. I just wonder how long you were going to let me keep fucking you before you told me.”

“That’s not fucking fair, Ed. You don’t know the whole story.” Stede picked up a pebble and tossed it toward the street.

Ed snorted. “You gonna to tell me you haven’t been sneaking around with her?”

Stede let out a frustrated huff. “You and I aren’t together, Ed—”

“Think you’ve made that clear,” Ed laughed, humorless.

“—stop acting like I cheated on you!”

Ed stood quickly, the leaf floating to his feet. “You cheated on her! With me!” Stede looked up at him stricken, like Ed had just slapped him. “I don’t— Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Ha! That’s rich coming from you! Master of communication over here!” Stede pushed off the ground, bring himself eye level. “Because I knew this is how you would react, Edward! Even though you have no right after—” He cut himself off, throwing his hands in the air before running one through his curls, disheveling them. “And…” Stede murmurs, “I didn’t want to stop.”

Ed sucked in a breath, considering. It was fucked. Stede was right, Ed couldn’t argue with the fact that he had been mute more than once when he should have been talking, but this— This was a different kind of betrayal. This involved someone else, an innocent bystander to their fucked up game.

And Anne seemed nice. Even if she didn’t know Stede’s ticks or the way he talked under his breath when he studied, highlighter poised between his teeth. Maybe she knew more than he thought though. Maybe she knew the way his eyes lit like flames in a dark room, or the rhythm of his breath just before he came, or how he laughed at the same dumb jokes in his favorite movie every single time, or the way he took his eggs (over medium). Ed didn’t know how much she did or didn’t know about Stede, because he didn’t know she existed until now.

“How long?”

“What?” Stede asked, caught off guard.

“How long have you been with her?” Stede bit his lip and looked down, fidgeting with his hands. “Stede…” Ed stepped forward trying to catch his eyes, “how long?”

“Two years,” Stede mumbled to his shoes and Ed was sure he’d heard him wrong. He had to have heard him wrong.

“Did you— I’m sorry, I thought you just said, two years?” Stede shifted on his feet and glanced up at him apologetically, and Ed was drug under by a riptide of anger. “Are you fucking kidding me, Stede?! Two years? Two fucking years! So…the summer? The fucking phone calls and voicemails? You just—” Ed laughed, a scornful and wretched sound ripped from his chest, and fisted his hands into his hair, turning on his heel.

Stede caught his jacket before he could stalk off and spun him back around. “It’s not what you think, Ed. Please, please, just let me explain everything?”

“Fuck you, Stede.” Ed jerked out of his grip and took a step back. “You’re not dragging me into whatever closeted drama production you’ve got going on,” he said, shaking his head and taking another step away.

“Moon I am begging you. Please— hear me out.”

The fear and pain in Stede’s voice rocked him, but Ed had too much pride for his own good. He’d been made an unknowing participant in whatever the fuck this was, and if the anger and hurt didn’t kill him, the guilt surely would.

“Don’t you have a date to get back to?” he asked coldly.

“I’d rather go home with you and have burgers actually,” Stede said sincerely and Ed couldn’t look at him anymore, focusing on the orange leaf jumping away into traffic. “Please, moon. After you know, if you still want me to fuck off, I will. No arguments.”

Ed ran his tongue over his teeth. “No arguments?” Like it wouldn’t tear his heart into a million pieces to have to end things with Stede. Again.

“I promise.” He looked up at Stede standing with a hand pressed over his heart, face contorted in panic as he pleaded with Ed. “Please?”

“Fine,” Ed caved. God he was so angry. But, Stede had given him chance after chance. Who was he to deny Stede anything he asked? “But you have to buy the burgers.”

Stede lit up with triumph. “Yeah, of course. Let me just—” he pointed at the diner. “I’ll be right back, don’t leave without me.”

Ed nodded and Stede bounded off back to the diner to get their food and, presumably, lie to Anne about why he needed to go.

This was seriously fucked, and Ed really wanted to feel bad about taking Stede away, but he couldn’t help the victorious feeling that washed over him. Stede was going home with him instead of staying with his girlfriend. Stede wanted to be with him over her. His heart thudded behind his ribs and Ed knew, it didn’t matter what Stede had to say to him, he would never be able to give him up.

Chapter Text

December 14th 2002

Weekend Before Finals

“Anne’s right in the other room you maniac,” Ed giggled into the kiss.

Stede pushed him against the bathroom wall, reaching behind himself to lock the door. “Guess you’ll have to be quiet then,” he warned, dropping to his knees.

“Fuck—”

Finals were only a few days away, and with winter break fast approaching, Ed knew he had to get in as much time with Stede as he could.

Stede was headed back to Connecticut for Christmas with Anne, a fact that Ed neither had control over or liked, while he would be spending the holidays back home with the Vanes. They would be apart for close to three weeks, and after learning about Stede’s home life, Ed had little hope they would be able to talk at all during that time. It was a complex mess, the makings of which only people with fuck off money could create, and the Bonnets had deep, deep pockets.

As Ed had found out, Anne was as much a pawn in the hierarchy of upper class Connecticut society as Stede was, but much more naïve to the goings on of the patriarchal schemes. Their relationship wasn’t arranged, per se, although they had been thrust together with such expectation that their childhood friendship would evolve into something. And as these things often go, Anne had become much more attached to her boy next door than Stede had to her in their teen years, a problem that would normally be easily solved by a simple let down. Here’s where things got complicated though.

On the day of Stede’s graduation he was informed that in order for him to receive access to his inheritance upon the age of 25 he would have to be married, and within one year produce an heir to the Bonnet family fortune. All of which wasn’t an issue, until Ed. Stede had not gone on his senior trip with the intention of hooking up with anyone, and especially not falling in love with them. But it had happened.

Had Ed not walked away that day on the beach, everything would have been revealed then. Including Stede’s plan. Ed had walked away though, a choice that was filled with more regret with each passing day, and Stede, left heartbroken and confused, had to reevaluate. With Ed no longer in the picture, Stede had no reason not to keep on the path that had already been set for him with Anne.

Then the impossible had happened. Ed and Stede in the same place. A miracle by any standard of the word. But Ed had drew a line, one that he’d seemed unwilling to reconsider, and Stede decided if friends was all he could have, then it was what he would take. And since they weren’t talking about it, Anne continued on as a shadow.

Halloween, however, changed the game. Stede had seen Ed with Mary, made his choice to pursue what Ed had been denying him, and suddenly that line wasn’t so clear anymore. Except, in Stede’s opinion, it was still very much in place. Because, as always, Ed refused to put a name to his feelings or define their relationship. Not that it made anything that came after the right thing to do, but it was understandable that Stede felt torn.

Did he risk losing what parts of Ed he had by telling him about Anne, or did he wait until he could be sure Ed wasn’t walking away again? Did he protect Anne’s feelings by keeping Ed a secret, or did he tell her and risk the wrath of his father? And if he came clean to them both did he risk losing everyone that he had?

It was a hard conversation to sit in that room and have, but Ed had sat and he had listened, two bags of takeout between them on the floor. And when Stede had finished talking, pausing with a great breath, Ed had considered what it all meant for him. Then he considered what it meant for Anne.

In the end, the decision was a simple one. Ed wasn’t going to let Stede go again, not as long as Stede wanted him too. He knew that there was the chance that eventually Stede would end up choosing his family’s money and Anne, but until that day came, this would be enough. Because Ed was unwilling to think about a life without Stede in it.

Stede, for his part, promised he was trying to work out a way to get the clause retracted, or a work around that would allow them to be together properly. He had told Ed that if ahe sked him to give it all up so they could be together, he would. Ed had asked what all Stede would lose in doing so, and the cost, for Ed, seemed much greater than the reward.

So here they were. Secretly fucking in the frat house bathroom during the end of semester party, Anne just one room away, wearing Santa hats.

It was stupid. It was irresponsible. It was misguided. It was going to bite them both in the ass eventually, one way or another.

But right now, his hand fisted tightly in Stede’s hair as the blonde took him deep in his throat, Ed couldn’t give two fucks about any of it.

“Come home with me,” Ed said as they quickly cleaned themselves up.

Stede looked at him with apologetic eyes. “You know I can’t do that, Ed. Not unless—”

Ed waved a hand. “No. I know. I just—” He sighed. “I wish it wasn’t going to be so long.”

Stede tossed the towel he was drying his hands on into a laundry basket and turned to Ed. “It’s only a few weeks.” He wrapped his arms around Ed’s waist and Ed tugged him closer. “And I’ll call as much as I can. I promise.”

Ed kissed the top of his head and then moved away. “C’mon, we better get back before someone starts to get suspicious.”

Stede reached over and flipped the lock on the door. “Might not be all bad.” Ed shot him a look and Stede shrugged. “At least Jack might take a hint then.”

“Next party I’m setting his ball hair on fire,” Ed said, pulling the door open and poking his head out. “All clear.”

Stede laughed and pushed up to kiss him again. “I love you, moon.”

~*~

May 20, 2022

Ed lay awake in bed staring at the picture he had stolen from Stede’s Instagram to set as his contact. It was strange to look at the boy he once knew, older but somehow still the star he had always been. Twenty years ago Ed would have thought he would know this version of Stede better than he knew himself. Ten years ago he would have said he ruined his chance.

Now, in the quiet of a Cambridge night, moonlight shining dimly through his blinds, the only witnesses to how both of those statement were false being the mosquitos, Ed clung to the hope that he could make one of them true. Which one it would end up being was anyone’s guess. He held Pandora’s box in the palm of his hand.

He had tracked Stede down only once before in 2011, right after he had returned to Maryland. All of his intentions had been good. Selfish, but good. The same as they were now. But Anne was right, as she often was. Ed was an idiot when it came to Stede Bonnet. And he had let things go too far.

The memory of that night was one that Ed remembered vividly. There was no hazy smoke screen to cloud the truth of what had happened. Ed had made a choice. A bad one. And on the other side of it, Stede was the one who had suffered the greatest consequences for it. Among so many other mistakes, it stood at the forefront as one of his biggest regrets.

This time would be different though. Because like Anne had said, Ed isn’t the same person he was in 2011.

It had taken a lot of work, a lot of sacrifice to get where he is now, and if nothing else came of this, at least Ed would be able to tell Stede the one thing he’d been waiting a decade to say.

The backlight went off and Ed tapped his screen to make it come back to life, Stede’s face appearing on the screen once more. Everything he had done in the past had been for Stede. To make him happy, to protect him from harm, to try and win him back. He had been Ed’s star, the sun in his universe, his only reason for breathing. Until he wasn’t, and Ed had suffocated himself spiraling untethered through space trying to latch onto something, anything, that would make him feel that way again.

In the end, it was Anne that had helped him realize, the only person who could rescue him from his fate, was himself.

So, this wasn’t for Stede. Not this time around. This time, it was for Ed. And, come what may, good or bad, he would go on.

Ed locked his phone and pressed it to his chest, heart beating against his rib cage so thunderously he was sure it would wake the neighbors (muscle memory).

“Come what may,” he breathed, eyes pressed tightly against the emotion trying to overwhelm him, reminding himself that no matter what happened next, he would survive it.

~*~

What divided a dream from a memory? How did you separate the two? What made waking desirable when everything you’ve ever wanted exists only within the confines of the world that lies between?

"I love you, Stede. I never stopped and I know how bad I fucked up, but if you just give me the chance—" Stede’s face was unreadable, his sharp eyes piercing into Edward's heart, his soul. Ed stepped forward slowly, afraid that moving too fast would spook him and he needed Stede to hear everything he had to say, he may never get another chance. "There are a thousand apologies I could give you, but none of it would ever be enough. I know that. But I promise, if you let me, I can prove to you that—"

Stede shrugged back violently when Ed reached for him. "Please don't, Ed," he pleaded, his voice cracking on each word. "This is...this is way too much."

"I know—fuck—I know, Stede. I'm sorry. I just— When I found out you were here I couldn't not come."

"Oh fuck you!! You don't get to just walk back into my life after four years and say all that and expect forgiveness, Ed!! Not after what you did, not after—" Stede paused, swallowing thickly. "You know what...it doesn't matter," he breathed. "I wasted too much time waiting for you to come to your senses and I— If you meant what you said before...you won't— Please just let me have this." Edward felt his expression break and tried to school his face before Stede could see. "I'm happy," Stede whispered, like he was trying to make Ed understand, "and...if you keep showing up, I don't— I can't trust myself around you."

It was a confession. Stede had meant for it to be a deterrent, a warning, but the only thing Edward could hear in the words was *I still want you*. Stede watched him, fingers twisting together as he waited for Ed to respond. He didn't.

Instead, he pushed into Stede’s space, pinning him to the wall with hands to his hips.

Stede let out a shuddering breath. "Ed, please—"

They were mere inches apart, hot breath ghosting over each other's lips. Ed's chest heaved with heavy desire, Stede’s scent filling his lungs again after the years apart.

"Tell me to stop," he challenged hotly into the space between them and Stede pressed his eyes shut. "Tell me and I'll go."

Stede breathed and breathed, saying nothing. Ed slid a hand up under the hem of his shirt, feeling the skin of Stede’s hips, his ribs, his stomach; fingers stroking feather-light over the downy hair, electricity arcing under the tips. They had always been lightening when they were together.

"Ed, I— I can't—" The words spoken without conviction, Stede’s hands settled on Ed's shoulders.

Ed tilted his head, pressing closer, their noses brushing as he spoke. "You can't what? Tell me, star boy."

Stede let out whimper, eyes still squeezed shut, trying to hold onto his confidence. He wanted this, Ed felt it vibrating in the air, even if it was wrong.

Stede tipped his head up. "I can't do this, but—" His golden lashes cracked open and the ocean spilled out. "I can't tell you to stop either."

It was all Ed needed to know. He pushed a hand into the soft curls at the nape of Stede’s neck and drew his head back, never breaking eye contact. Stede opened for him with a gasp and he tasted like stars, like a million wishes cast into the sky and left unanswered until this very moment.

Ed kissed him. He kissed him like he was starving, like he needed it to survive the next few seconds, and Stede kissed him back, hungry and desperate, like he needed it just as much.

Ed woke with tears in his eyes, the mirage fading with each gasp of air he drew. Betrayal like a knife. Regret like a stone. Fear like a soulless monster lurking in the night.

Tomorrow.

Chapter Text

“Merry Christmas, Edward.”

Lynn shook a present at him as she sat on the floor playing Santa with a red cap on her head.

It reminded Ed of Stede. Everything reminded him of Stede. It was making him miserable. And it was Christmas for fuck sake, he was supposed to be excited to be home, to be getting gifts. Not sitting on the couch next to Charlie looking like a fucking sad sack.

Ed reached out and took the gift from Lynn, faking his best smile.

“Thanks, Lynn,” he said, placing the box in his lap and tugging at the blue bow.

“Charlie you’re up,” she said, pointing a finger at his foster brother who was staring down at the game boy Billy had just unwrapped.

Charlie tipped sideways into Ed with a grimace. “One second, ma. I almost— Shit!”

“Language Charles,” she scolded, plucking another gift from beneath the tree and shoving it at Charlie.

Charlie huffed and dropped the Gameboy next to him so he could grab the gift being offered to him. “Thanks,” he smiled, bringing his box to his ear and shaking it.

“It’s a camera,” Ed told him without looking up from his freshly opened gift.

Charlie tore into his paper. “How do you do that?” he said pulling a new Nikon from the box.

“’Cause he’s a beast,” Billy said coming back in from the kitchen, a cookie held between his teeth. He dropped down on the other side of Charlie and pulled the cookie from his mouth. “I can’t wait to hear about what you been doing at school,” he gestured to Ed.

Stede. Stede’s what he’s been doing at school.

“It’s not as exciting as you think,” Ed deflected, pulling the new iPod from its packaging. “You didn’t have to do all this,” he said holding the tech up to Lynn.

She waved him off, moving to stand. “You love music. It was the only choice.”

“Yeah,” Ed said, moving the box from his lap, “but this thing isn’t cheap and I still have the one you got me before.”

“I can spoil my boys once in a while,” she told him with a smile and hand to his face. “You’ve worked your ass off, Ed—”

“Language,” Charlie and Billy chimed at the same time, neither looking away from what they were doing.

Lynn ignored them. “—let someone do something for you for once.” She kissed the top of his head and took off for the kitchen to put the quiche in the oven.

“You’re her favorite, you know?” Charlie said, finally releasing the camera from its plastic and holding it up in Ed’s face.

Ed pushed it away. “Fuck off, Charlie. I am not. She’s only known me for five years. She’s had you two your whole lives.”

“That’s why she likes you better,” Charlie laughed. “She didn’t have to wipe your ass.”

“Shut up,” Ed grumbled, unable to hide the twitch of his lips as he pulled a pair of headphones out.

Billy leaned forward and knocked a hand against his knee. “C’mon, Ed, while mom’s not in the room.”

“What?”

“Tell us about school, man. I know you’re not just sitting around studying all the time.”

The image of Stede bent over his desk, forehead pressed into his college ruled notebook as Ed slammed into him, flashed in his mind and a hot flame licked through him, face heating.

“See,” Billy said to Charlie, moving to sit on the coffee table facing them. “He’s been up to something.”

“Or up in someone,” Charlie joked, turning toward him on the couch.

Billy grinned at him with interest. “Spill, Eddie. Who is she?”

“Nobody,” Ed said, wrapping the cord around his hand and stuffing it back into the box. He didn’t know what the reaction would be if his family found out and he didn’t want to think about Stede right now.

Charlie smirked at him. “Someone if she’s making you blush like that.” He pointed at Ed’s face.

“I told you not to go getting a girlfriend,” Billy laughed.

‘You have a fucking girlfriend, Stede!’

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Ed told them firmly with a shake of his head, heart aching.

Charlie patted his shoulder. “Awe. It’s okay, Ed. Even the best of us get pussy whipped once in a while.”

“I’m not—” Ed ran a hand through his curls trying to center himself. He just had to keep it together for another week and he was out of here, back to campus, back to Stede. And Anne. “I don’t have a girlfriend, okay? Drop it.”

“Look how pink his cheeks are,” Billy pressed on. “He’s definitely in love.”

Ed snatched his gift box from the floor and stood. “I’m not in love.” Stede’s eyes. Stede’s lips. Stede’s laugh. “I told you, I don’t have time for distractions.” Stede’s hand down his pants in the book stacks. Stede’s cock down his throat in the dining hall bathroom. His hand over Stede’s mouth as the blonde moans his name into the shower stall wall. “And I definitely don’t have a girlfriend.”

But his boyfriend did. A girlfriend that he was home with right now, getting up to God knows what while Ed sat here being reminded over and over again of that fact.

He clutched the box to his chest and spun on his heel, heading for the stairs and away from these assholes. He would come back when breakfast was ready. Right now he just wanted to be alone and sulk in his feelings. Feelings that he knew were love. And jealousy. And anger.

Anger at himself for suggesting this stupid fucking agreement that they had. For not telling Stede to say fuck his father and his money, and be with him. He hated himself for it. But— it was the right thing to do. For Stede. To protect Stede. Because that was all that mattered. Ed would get over this spike of jealous rage and when he got back to school in a week everything would be like it was.

This was just fleeting. Everything was fine.

He was fine.

“Oh, c’mon, Eddie, we’re just teasing,” Billy called after him as he took the stairs two at a time, but Ed was already closing the door to his bedroom behind him when Charlie yelled, “Sorry, dude.”

Ed spent most of the day feeling sorry for himself, moping around, disengaged from the conversations going on around him. The boys didn’t bring up earlier, probably because they didn’t want Ed ruining Christmas for Lynn by having a meltdown. After dinner he helped get the dishes done, then excused himself upstairs while the rest of them settled down to watch A Christmas Story in the living room. Ed just wasn’t in the mood to laugh.

He read for a while, bookmarking his spot a few hours in to play a rousing game of snake on his phone.

He had almost topped his high score when…

Ed had never answered a call so fast.

“Star,” Ed smiled into the phone, a flood of relief washing over him.

“Hey moon.” Stede’s voice was hushed on the other end of the phone. “God, it’s good to hear your voice. I fucking miss you.”

“I miss you too. I can’t wait for this week to be over,” Ed groaned, rolling on to his side and adjusting the phone.

“It can’t come soon enough,” Stede breathed and Ed could hear him shifting around. “I’m heading back to campus the moment they reopen the dorms.”

“I wish we could be together for New Year’s.” The thought of being able to hold Stede and kiss him as fireworks exploded in the background made his heart jump to life. “I wanna kiss you at midnight.”

Stede fell silent.

Then, “Ed I—” The sounds of movement came again and Ed heard the click of a door being closed. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Ed’s freshly revived heart jumped into his throat at the hesitation in Stede’s voice. Was he being broken up with? No. Stede had just said he missed him. And the blonde was far too classy to be that dick that broke up with someone over the phone. He would probably do something unhinged, like, take Ed to a fancy dinner and buy him flowers, or something equally ridiculous for a break-up.

“Moon?” Stede’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m here. What’s— uh…” Ed pushed himself up in the bed. “What’s going on?”

The bed creaked on Stede’s end and he drew in a deep breath. “It’s Anne.”

Fuck, he was being broken up with.

“She—” Ed heard Stede swallow and he braced himself for the worst, drawing his knees up to his chest. “I’m only calling because I don’t want any secrets between us. Not because I want—” Stede cut himself off.

Well that wasn’t ominous at all.

Ed forced himself to breath in. “Its alright, star. Just don’t keep me in suspense.”

The intrusive thoughts were persistent, suggesting an array of things that Stede was about to say. But even in the swirling tornado of his mind, Ed never could have predicted what it actually was.

“She’s suggested that— On New Year’s— She wants—” Stede tripped over his words, his confidence in them seeming to decrease as he tried again and again to get it out. “That we should…” his words dissolved into silence.

Understanding settled on Ed immediately and his instinctual response was, oh, hell no. But he needed to think about this logically, consider the implications before he let his emotions get the best of him.

“She wants you to…?”

“She wants to have sex, Edward, yes,” Stede huffed, frustration coming through clearly in his tone.

The confirmation of Ed’s fear was like tying a rock to his leg and throwing him in the water. No matter how much he fought against it, the probability that he would escape his fate was slim. Stede wouldn’t do it without Ed’s explicit consent, but if Ed didn’t give it, it could jeopardize Stede’s safety net.

“Do— Do you want to do it?”

“No.” The answer was swift and with conviction. “And I wouldn’t even ask you, but—” Stede sighed and Ed took a moment to process everything. “We could just say fuck it and—”

This had been Ed’s decision. Again. He had been the one to set the boundaries (or lack there of) in this situation. He had insisted that Stede continue to see Anne, how could he go back now and tell him not to follow through on something that Ed had known was inevitable. He couldn’t have it both ways.

Either Stede proceeded on until he could figure out a solution to the clause or got tired of Ed, or he ended it now, giving up everything, to prevent Ed from feeling jealous about something he had encouraged. Ed wouldn’t be the reason that Stede lost everything. Even if that meant he had to sit with his jealousy, knowing that Stede would no longer be just his in that way.

“No we can’t. I won’t let you give up your future for me.”

“You know I would do anything for you moon,” Stede said softly and with so much sincerity Ed felt like he was stabbing himself in the gut. “None of this means anything without you.”

Ed knew it was true. And it was exactly why he had to be the one to hold firm.

“I know. But I think—” Ed swallowed, willing the words from his mouth. “I think you should— if you’re okay with it— you know, do…it.”

There was another quiet pause as Stede moved around again. “So you want me to—”

“Well, no.” Ed reclined back against the headboard and ran a hand through his hair, which was now the longest it had ever been. “I don’t want you to. Of course I don’t want you to. I just— What other option is there?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

“What’re you going to do if your dad cuts you off? How will you pay for school? Would you even be able to stay in Maryland? Like—” Ed threw a hand in the air blindly.

“I know, Ed,” Stede sighed. “I can’t say what would happen. I don’t know. It wouldn’t be easy. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know where to start but— I’d do it in a heartbeat if it meant we didn’t have to do this anymore.”

Ed bit at his nails. Stede would lose everything and Ed would lose him. He was sure of it. Stede was willing to give it all up for him and Ed was willing to live with it for him. They were stuck on a merry-go-round with no ending in sight.

Ed ripped off the nail he was chewing at, tearing the skin, and blood erupted from the small wound. He watched as it pooled into his cuticle and ran down his finger, focusing on the sting. The pain pulled him away from the weight sitting on his chest.

“We’ll figure out another plan, Star, I promise. But in the meantime— You do whatever you think is necessary to make sure you come back to me.”

Ed bit into another nail, yanking roughly.

“I love you, Moon.”

Tears sprung to his eyes. His fingers throbbed.

“You’re my sky.”

They would get through this.

“I can’t do this.”

“Stede?” Ed whispered into his phone half past midnight.

Charlie and Billy were chasing each other around the front yard with sparklers, Lynn watching fireworks explode over the tree line from the deck. Ed took the last drag of his cigarette and stamped it out under his heel, dipping into the house, screen door slamming behind him.

“Who the fuck else would it be?” Stede’s voice whispered back laced with agitation. “I can’t do this, Ed.”

Ed pulled a soda from the refrigerator and popped the top, bubbles hissing under the tab. He pushed the tab back and forth slowly, counting. It was hard to make it all the way to S before it broke off but he’d managed it a few times. Even had a key chain going with the successful ones he carried on his bag.

“Chill, babe. What’s wrong?” He said, holding the phone against his shoulder with his ear.

“What’s wrong?” Stede hissed back probably far louder than he should probably be talking. “What’s wrong is that I’ve been trying to— for an hour now and I am not even the littlest but turned on by the thought of sleeping with her.”

Ed couldn’t say he wasn’t happy to hear that, but he also knew it was probably making Stede feel a sense of inadequacy he had rarely experienced. He had been there himself. More than once. Especially before he had admitted certain things to himself.

“It’s nerves.” P, Q, R…He twisted the tab and it popped off into his hand. S.

“It is not my goddamn nerves, Ed, it’s—” Stede paused, taking a breath. “It’s not you.”

Ed dropped the tab into his pocket and picked up his soda, turning to the kitchen window. He should just tell Stede to call the whole thing off and they would figure it out. Maybe he could pretend to be sleeping or hide in a wine cellar (rich people had those, right?) or—

“Where are you?” Ed watched Charlie trying to light another sparkler in the backyard, swiping his hand through the air when he hit it with the lighter flame.

The phone shifted. “Where— What difference does it make? I’m freaking the fuck out here, Edward. If my father—”

 “Your father? He knows?”

“No. God, no. But…Anne told Mary, and Mary’s had a lot of champagne, and…well, you know how she is.” His tone was somewhere between fear and pain, and Ed felt his stomach tighten. “If it doesn’t happen now, my father will definitely find out.”

Fuck.

Billy yanked the lighter from Charlie’s hand and lit a sparkler, a muffled argument pitching up between them as another firework exploded over their heads in the distance. The kitchen was illuminated briefly in color and Ed swallowed around the bitter taste of knowing what he had to do.

“It is me,” he murmured into the phone.

There was a pause before Stede asked, “What?”

Ed took a deep breath and swiped his soda from the counter, turning for the stairs. “Where are you?” he asked again. “Are you alone?”

“I don’t—”

Ed hopped the stairs, throwing a glance out the window at the top to make sure nobody had followed him inside yet. “Just— Do you have privacy?”

He could almost hear the cogs turning in Stede’s head. “I’m in the guest room…waiting.”

“Lock the door.” Ed closed his own door behind him and turned the lock.

“Moon?” Stede’s voice trembled. “We don’t have time for this. Anne—”

“Star,” Ed sat his soda on the bedside table and pulled off his shirt, dropping down on the edge of his bed. “I need you to trust me.” He needed to trust himself.

He heard the click of a lock being engaged. “With my life.”

It was an honest assessment and Ed would protect Stede’s life with his own.

Ed swallowed, with a nod. “Good,” he breathed, grabbing a hair tie and pulling his hair back. “Get on the bed.”

Stede exhaled shakily, the sounds of movement muffled. “Okay. Alright, I’m—” he cut him off.

Ed pushed himself to his pillows and switched the phone to his left hand. He could do this.

 “Remember—” His mouth was suddenly very dry and he reached for his soda, taking a quick drink before sliding it back on the table. He took another deep, steadying breath and closed his eyes, focusing on the memory. “Remember Homecoming?”

Stede breathed out harshly through his nose. “Yes,” he whispered.

“It was halftime and— and the band was on the field. The crowd was so fucking loud we could barely hear each other—”

“Or Jack,” Stede laughed quietly.

Ed couldn’t help but smile a little. “Or Jack. Thank fuck.” Stede snorted. “But— you leaned into my ear.” Stede went quiet again. “And you said—”

“You could do anything to me out here and nobody would know,” Stede swallowed around the words quietly murmured into the phone. “But we—”

“What if we had though?” Ed cut in quickly, trying to imagine what it could have been. “What of we’d gone somewhere alone?” Stede’s breath was even but slightly heavy. “Or like, right there. Under the stands.” Stede groaned, quietly and the sound went straight to Ed’s cock, which he had avoided touching so far, free hand twisted in his bedsheets. “What are you imagining?” Ed asked, a bit breathless, but still maintaining his cool.

“Getting on my knees.” His voice was low, only barely betraying him with a ragged exhale.

“What else?”

“Taking you as deep as I can in my throat. Until I’m choking and you— you’re shuddering above me—”

“Fuck—” Ed breathed, the picture so clear in his mind, and he finally pressed his hand to his erection over his pants. “Are you hard, Star? Thinking about my dick in your mouth?”

Stede whimpered. “Yes.”

Ed pushed his hand down harder. “Touch yourself.”

“Ed I—” Stede tried to protest, as Ed knew he would.

“Yes, you can. We’ll do it together.” He’s starting to lose control of his own restraint, voice pitching high and breathy into the phone. Stede was quiet and then Ed heard the movement of fabric, reaching immediately for his own jeans and shoving them off with his boxers. “Tell me more,” he demanded, wrapping a hand around himself.

“I— I’d bring you right— oh, fuck—” Stede sobbed, and Ed knew he was following his instructions. “R-right to the edge—” Stede gasped in his ear and Ed spit into his hand, quickening his own pace.

“And then what?” Ed panted, desperate to know.

“I’d have you fuck me— right there, where—” Stede moans, the words lost to his pleasure. “Fuck, Moon—”

“Where anyone could see?” Ed felt delirious with each new stroke of his hand. “They’d see how well you take my cock. How desperate you are—”

“Edward— oh god— fuck—”

“I’d push you right against the concrete divider and fuck you open with my fingers until you begged for it.”

Stede groaned loudly but neither of them cared. “Yes, Moon, please. I want your fingers inside me.” Stede’s voice was wrecked.

Ed fucked his fist in tight, even strokes. “Fuck, baby— You— ahhh— you always take me so well.”

“Fuck me, Moon.”

They were both panting, breathless, groaning messes. Ed’s entire plan moved further and further from his mind as he chased his release toward a flickering mirage on the horizon. It was easy to image the shape of Stede, the taste of him, the smell of his Cool Water cologne mixed with sex.

Stede made a choked off noise and his breathing intensified trying to stay undiscovered. Ed imagined how he would look, halfway to ruin, golden curls like a halo on a backdrop of Egyptian cotton, flushed and writhing and his.

“That’s it, baby, that’s— fuck—” Ed bucked into his hand, any thoughts of the true purpose of this washed away in the white static flooding his mind. “So good. Perfect— you’re so perfect— I love you.”

“Ed— oh, fuck— I-I’m—” His breaths were clipped, snapped off with the thick tension in his voice. “I lov—”

A sharp knock cut through his words and Stede hissed a different kind of “fuck” through the phone. Reality came crashing back like a goddamn meteor, but not before Ed came hard and fast, spilling over his hand and chest. His head spun, bright and sated, until he heard Stede’s voice again.

“Uh, j-just a second.” It wasn’t meant for Ed, spoken louder than he had all night. His tone edged on frustration, audibly shaking, and Ed realized he hadn’t come. “I have to go,” he whispered quickly between muffled sounds of movement.

Mission accomplished.

“I love you, Stede,” he said into an already dead call. He pulled the phone from his ear, dropping it to the bed next to him, dragging his eyes open to stare at the Nirvana poster on his ceiling— Heart-Shaped Box. “I love you.”

His tears tasted like a million wishes left unanswered, a torrent of broken dreams and guilt. They cut like jagged glass, burned like acid, and he wished the path they drew would mar his skin as a reminder. Something tangible he could see and feel to replace the painful beating of his heart, to bleed it all out.

Ed ran his fingers over the scars on the inside of his arms, mostly covered by tattoos. A reminder of what he had survived to be here now. Thankful for the opportunity to remember, grateful for the chance to make things right.

Chapter Text

2011

"I love you, Stede. I never stopped and I know how bad I fucked up, but if you just give me the chance—" Stede’s face was unreadable, his sharp eyes piercing into Edward's heart, his soul. Ed stepped forward slowly, afraid that moving too fast would spook him and he needed Stede to hear everything he had to say, he may never get another chance. "There are a thousand apologies I could give you, but none of it would ever be enough. I know that. But I promise, if you let me, I can prove to you that—"

Stede shrugged back violently when Ed reached for him. "Please don't, Ed," he pleaded, his voice cracking on each word. "This is...this is way too much."

"I know—fuck—I know, Stede. I'm sorry. I just— When I found out you were here I couldn't not come."

"Oh fuck you!! You don't get to just walk back into my life after four years and say all that and expect forgiveness, Ed!! Not after what you did, not after—" Stede paused, swallowing thickly. "You know what...it doesn't matter," he breathed. "I wasted too much time waiting for you to come to your senses and I— If you meant what you said before...you won't— Please just let me have this." Edward felt his expression break and tried to school his face before Stede could see. "I'm happy," Stede whispered, like he was trying to make Ed understand, "and...if you keep showing up, I don't— I can't trust myself around you."

It was a confession. Stede had meant for it to be a deterrent, a warning, but the only thing Edward could hear in the words was *I still want you*. Stede watched him, fingers twisting together as he waited for Ed to respond. He didn't.

Instead, he pushed into Stede’s space, pinning him to the wall with hands to his hips.

Stede let out a shuddering breath. "Ed, please—"

They were mere inches apart, hot breath ghosting over each other's lips. Ed's chest heaved with heavy desire, Stede’s scent filling his lungs again after the years apart.

"Tell me to stop," he challenged hotly into the space between them and Stede pressed his eyes shut. "Tell me and I'll go."

Stede breathed and breathed, saying nothing. Ed slid a hand up under the hem of his shirt, feeling the skin of Stede’s hips, his ribs, his stomach; fingers stroking feather-light over the downy hair, electricity arcing under the tips. They had always been lightening when they were together.

"Ed, I— I can't—" The words spoken without conviction, Stede’s hands settled on Ed's shoulders.

Ed tilted his head, pressing closer, their noses brushing as he spoke. "You can't what? Tell me, star boy."

Stede let out whimper, eyes still squeezed shut, trying to hold onto his confidence. He wanted this, Ed felt it vibrating in the air, even if it was wrong.

Stede tipped his head up. "I can't do this, but—" His golden lashes cracked open and the ocean spilled out. "I can't tell you to stop either."

It was all Ed needed to know. He pushed a hand into the soft curls at the nape of Stede’s neck and drew his head back, never breaking eye contact. Stede opened for him with a gasp and he tasted like stars, like a million wishes cast into the sky and left unanswered until this very moment.

Ed kissed him. He kissed him like he was starving, like he needed it to survive the next few seconds, and Stede kissed him back, hungry and desperate, like he needed it just as much.

Stede’s hands were like fire, pulling and pawing over every inch of Ed that he could touch. He pulled back, tearing their lips apart just long enough to push the leather jacket from Ed's shoulders, then he was back on him, steering them further into the desolate apartment. The back of Ed's knees hit the arm of the couch and he stumbled, reaching out to steady himself with a hand to the back, pulling them apart again. Stede grabbed the bottom of Ed's shirt, pulling it up and off, and tossing it somewhere within the room to be found later, then... he stopped.

"What's wrong?" The words left Ed's mouth in a rush, dread taking root in his gut instantly.

Stede breathed deeply, eyes following the path of his hand running up Ed's bared chest. "I'd almost forgotten how beautiful you are."

Ed drew him closer with a hand to the back of his neck and Stede’s eyes flickered back up. There were a hundred-thousand things that Ed wanted to say as they stared at each other, lips parted, chests heavy with breath, but all of them were stolen from his mouth when Stede leaned in, placing a kiss over the tattoo he'd been tracing on Ed's neck.

Each kiss was slow, worshipful, Stede’s tongue mapping his body with a new reverence, and Ed let his head fall back, hands holding tight in the golden strands, afraid to let go for fear that he might float away. His gaze dropped back down when Stede reached the band of his jeans and paused, running out of skin for his mouth to continue its journey. Stede gazed up at him in question, eyes blown wide and black as the night sky, as he hooked a finger under the edge of the band and tugged.

They shouldn't, Ed knew first hand the apocalyptic consequences of where this was leading, but his ability to care was buried deep beneath years of regret and guilt and yearning, and he nodded a confirmation.

Stede’s hands were as soft as they had always been, gentle and warm, when he got Ed's pants down and wrapped one hand around him. Ed moaned with the contact, everything he had been craving and yet, not nearly enough to satisfy the need. Stede pressed a kiss to the head, hand stroking firm and slow, until he leaned in and took Ed down with a pleased hum. His mouth was hot and wet, his plush lips stretched the way Ed remembered, to take him deeper, lashes fluttering against his flushed cheeks. He was beautiful, perfect, a star burning Ed alive

"Fuck, Stede— I've been imagining this for years. God, I want you so bad. You're perfect— Christ—" Ed babbled, hand fisted tightly in Stede’s hair as the man took him apart in the middle of his living room.

Stede made pleased little noises that vibrated through him, and Ed's knees about buckled when Stede pressed his nose against his belly and swallowed.

By the time they made it to the bedroom, they were both naked, clothes lost in a trail of gingerbread crumbs through the apartment. Stede’s bed was large, a massive display of Egyptian cotton sheets and decorative pillows that they cast aside in haste, falling on the comforter together, limbs intertwined. Ed didn't have time to take in anything else, his senses consumed by Stede under him, hips bucking forward to meet Ed's own, and he let it over take him. He kissed Stede with purpose, touched him like he was the finest silk, and Stede keened with it, the sounds escaping him a music that made Ed's heart quake.

Ed pulled back to look down at Stede, his sand colored ringlets falling in a halo around his head on the pillow. "I always thought you were a star, but I think maybe I was wrong." Stede pinched his brows together and Ed kissed the crease it formed. "You're Saturn."

"I need you," Stede whispered, pleading.

"Do you have—"

Stede pointed at the nightstand and Ed sat up, reaching into the drawer. He tried to ignore it when his sight landed on the framed picture propped next to the lamp, but his eyes lingered anyway, taking in Stede’s happy face as his partner placed a kiss on the top of his head. The guy was several inches taller than Stede, taller than Ed, handsome, with dark hair and eyes, and ED felt a tide of possessiveness rising in him. He didn't know what would happen after, if any of this would ever again belong to him, but right now it was his— Stede was his— and he was going to make it count.

He snatched up a condom and bottle, slamming the drawer shut before crawling back to Stede on the bed. A ragged desperation took over then, jealousy flaring hot in his gut, and he kissed Stede hard, pushing him down into the mattress. His lips found every part of Stede that he hadn't been able to touch for what felt like an eternity— his belly, his hip bones, the insides of his thighs— as he pushed his fingers in, opening Stede up.

He had wanted to go slow, to take his time and make the few precious moments they still had together last, but he couldn't stand to watch Stede moaning and writhing on his fingers for a second longer. Stede whined low in his throat when Ed pulled out of him and he leaned down, licking into Stede’s mouth to taste his wanting, as he slicked himself up.

Ed pushed in slowly, Stede’s nails digging into his back, and he buried his face in Stede’s neck, shaking with the effort to stay still, afraid he would come with his first thrust. Ed steadied himself, thrumming with the knowledge that, even if he made it last, it would eventually come to an end. When he lifted his head, breathless and on the verge of tears, Stede was looking at him, a galaxy shining behind his eyes, and Ed’s heart shattered.

His first few thrusts were languid, attempting to stay the beast inside that wanted him to take what he knew was his, but when Stede cried out, moaning his name around obscenities, Ed could no longer remain in control.

"Oh God, Edward—" Stede moved with him, canting and rolling his hips, legs wrapped around Ed's back to try and take him deeper. "I— How does it feel so good? Was it like this before? Did I forget?"

"I don't— ah, fuck— I don't know. I don't think so. Jesus Christ— you feel incredible."

"Harder."

And Stede’s grip was so tight Ed was certain there would be bruises left behind. He growled his agreement into Stede’s ear and picked up the pace, slamming into him so forcefully the headboard knocked a divot into the drywall. Ed imagined Stede’s partner seeing it and knowing what Ed had done to him in their bed, and he drove into Stede harder.

"Holy fuck—" Stede sobbed, hand gripping blindly behind him for something to hold onto.

"Tell me you want me," Ed growled with the next snap of his hips.

"I want you," Stede sobbed. "God, fuck— I want you all of the time."

"All of me time?"

"Yes—yes," Stede gasped.

"Even when your with him?" Stede blinked up at him, eyes wet, a little noise escaping his chest with each new thrust. Ed felt like his chest was going to cave in on him with the look in Stede’s eyes. A wave of need rolled through him. "Do you think about me when he's fucking you?"

Tears rolled down Stede’s face and Ed slowed his pace, eyes locked with his. "Yes."

Their next kiss was biting, tongues and teeth, and Ed pulled out almost completely to drive back into him with every ounce of his energy.

"Only me," Ed begged against his lips, his orgasm building. "Tell me you only want me."

"Only you. Always you." Stede panted and groaned and whined, his body lithe and heated beneath Ed's as he began to tremble. "Fuck, Ed, I—"

Stede moaned Ed's name into his mouth as he came, and Ed fell over the edge with him moments later.

The world started to come back into view and Ed pulled out, rolling off Stede and onto his back, both of them trying to catch their breath. Stede rolled into him, wedging himself under Ed's arm and burying his face in his neck. He mumbled secrets into Ed's skin, soft and delicate, and Ed felt sated and boneless, filled with a buzzing that he hadn't experienced in years— warm and safe and loved. But it didn't take long before reality was setting back in and Stede pulled away, out of his arms, sliding off the bed and into the adjoining bathroom.

A quiet tension built, a string pulled taught once more, as Ed laid there staring at the ceiling of a bedroom that was not his, waiting on a man that once was.

The bathroom door clicked open and Ed turned to watch Stede cross the room towards him. He was now wearing a robe, closed off and tied at the waist, concealing him. His eyes were glassy and red and Ed felt the sharp stab of his betrayal. He’d fucked up.

"Here," Stede said, reaching out a damp cloth to Ed for him to clean up with.

Ed accepted it with a nod and soft smile. "Thanks."

Stede stepped back, bottom lip caught between his teeth, as he watched Ed remove the condom and clean himself up with a closed off expression. When Ed was finished, he tossed the rag into a laundry basket and went about gathering his clothes, Stede padding along behind him through the apartment.

"This was a mistake," he said the moment Ed had pulled his t-shirt back on.

Ed swallowed over the lump forming in his throat and nodded. He knew it was coming but he didn't think anything could have prepared him for the look of sheer devastation that took over Stede’s features. "Uh, yeah. I'm sor—"

"Please don't apologize. Just—" Stede let out a slow breath. "It can't happen again, Ed. It won't. So...please don't come back here. Sam will be here tomorrow and I don't want—"

"It's okay, Stede. You don't have to worry. I won't come back around." Ed grabbed his coat from the floor and pulled it on. "I won't ruin this for you."

Stede nodded, drawing a shuddering breath in as he crossed his arms over his chest, biting his thumb nail. Ed pulled his keys from his pocket and made his way to the front door, heart screaming in his chest the whole time.

"Edward wait—" Stede called out before he could open the door, and Ed paused, hand on the knob, turning back. Stede licked his lips and opened his mouth, before snapping it shut again and crossing the room to him in three large steps.

Ed caught him in his arms, wrapping him tightly against his chest, a gentle hand to the back of his head, as Stede wretched into his shoulder.

"It's okay. I've got you. You're going to be okay, baby." Ed kissed the words into his curls and the image of the picture on Stede’s nightstand popped back into his head. "He loves you," Ed breathed into his hair and Stede pulled back to look at him. "As much as I wish it was me instead— At least when I walk out of here today I'll know that you're alright."

"What if I fuck it up, Ed? We just—"

"He won't know," Ed assured him. "It was my fault anyway." He let Stede go, arms dropping back to his side as he stepped back toward the door. "I'm the fuck up, not you."

"Ed you're not—"

"I am. And it's okay. I'm getting used to it." He gave Stede a tight smile and tapped him on the nose. "Take care of yourself, star boy," he said with a final nod before pulling open the door.

"I love you too, Moon." Stede murmured behind him, voice tight. "You're my sky."

"I know," was all Edward could bring himself to say, before he pulled the door closed and walked out of Stede’s life again.

Quote: And so being young and dipped in folly I fell in love with melancholy. ~Edgar Allen Poe

May 2022

[Ed's Phone: Calling Stede]

His stomach was tied in knots. The longer the phone rang, the more he doubted this was the right move.

After a decade, what he did, their last interaction, how could Stede ever forgive him? It had taken almost that long for Ed to forgive himself. Years of therapy, ink and breakdowns, lonely nights and even lonelier days, sleeping in cars, scratching himself open, wasting away. The hole was dug so deep that Ed resigned himself to lay down in it and let himself be buried.

But he hadn’t.

He’d clawed and screamed and fought. And after what felt like a lifetime of drowning, someone had answered. Anne had reached in and pulled him out, offered him a shoulder to cry on, an arm to hold as he learned how to stand again. And then she told him the truth— You have to do this because you want it, not because it will bring him back; it won’t.

“Hello?” A ghost. “Edward?”

No air.

Drowning. Suffocating. Buried.

“Edward? Can you hear me?”

Some people are better left ghost.

So much time wasted. So many mistakes.

I’ve wasted too much time waiting for you to come to your senses—

The words were stuck behind his teeth, behind the years of self-hate and pin-pricks and razor blades.

“Stede—” It was a whisper, a sob, an apology all its own. His ears throbbed, the lump choking off each breath caught like every lie he’d ever told back for revenge. And even if he’d wanted to, he couldn’t have stopped the tears as they broke free from their cage.

“Moon,” Stede breathed, effervescent and youthful, an echo reverberating in the caverns of Ed’s heart.

Ed gasped in a breath, willing away the tears and the ache of something he wasn’t allowed to feel. He swiped at his face, determined to go on. He could do this.

“Stede I—”

“Dad, mom said to tell you dinner’s ready,” a girl’s voice carried across the line and Ed’s mind collapsed in a heap.

“Tell her I’ll just be a second, Alma,” Stede replied to her. “Sorry, Ed, what were you saying?”

Ed sniffed. “I’m interrupting. I can call you another time.”

“No, no. It’s fine. They can go on without me. I can take a moment to speak with an old friend.”

Friend.

What had he expected really? The reality was that there was a decade between them and nothing more than memories. They were not the same people. Stede had a life, a family, a world where Ed didn’t belong. The best that he could hope for was to still be called his friend. He needed to be happy with what he got.

“Is, uh— Was that your…” Ed trailed off, unable to force the word across his lips as he dropped onto a stool at his breakfast counter.

“My daughter, yes. Alma.” Stede’s smile was apparent in his voice and Ed could almost feel the adoration coming off of him. “She’ll be eleven this week. Her birthday is just after yours actually.”

“You remember my birthday?” Ed asked in confusion, the lump still present in his throat and threatening to choke him again.

“Of course, I remember your birthday, Moon,” Stede said softly, almost with disappointment. He should be disappointed in Ed. “I remember everything.”

It wasn’t meant to be hurtful, the emotion in Stede’s voice betraying his previously cool tone, but Ed’s mind plummeted immediately to that night in 2007 and he strangled on the memory.

I can’t— won’t— promise you that it’s gonna stop just because you know now.

“Oh, Ed, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“Fuck, Stede, I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry for everything I did to you. I never wanted to hurt you. Never. I— it was for you. Every single stupid fucking choice was to protect you from me.” The words poured from him. Two decades of apologies and excuses and pain and regret and fucking love spilling out. “And I know it’s fucking stupid, I know that now. I was stupid. So fucking stupid! And I don’t expect you to forgive me or understand. I don’t deserve it and I’m okay with that, but you do. You deserve to know that I know. I know it was me that broke us long before— Before I walked out. It was never you. But I knew you’d blame yourself for it. God, fuck— please tell me you know it wasn’t your fault.”

Silence.

The silence that followed was deafening, piercing in its echo of his decisions, a harbinger of the end looming over them. And Ed knew this was it. This was the moment of impact. His galaxy was about to implode.

“Edward, I—” The pain in his voice was unfathomable. Ruinous. Once again he had managed to land the hardest blow, sink the knife in as deep as it would go. “I accept your apology. It would be a lie to say that I forgive it all, but— I can accept that you are truly sorry. And it would also be untrue to tell you that I didn’t blame myself. I did.” Ed stifled a sob. Ruined. He’d anchored Stede to himself and drug him under too. “For not seeing what you were going through, for not trying harder to help you, for letting you run away.” This time the cry rattled out of Ed full force, and he had to cover his face to keep from screaming. “But…” Stede swallowed. “That wasn’t my job. Just like it wasn’t yours to protect me from the world.”

In— 2, 3. Out— 3, 2, 1. Breathe.

The quiet stretched as they both tried to bring their emotions under control.

“Stede?” Mary’s voice drifted in. “Alma’s asking for you.”

Stede cleared his throat but it did little to mask the waiver in his voice when he spoke. “Yes, alright. I’ll be right there.”

Ed took a steadying breath. He’d said what he called to say and Stede had given him all that he could. “You should get back now. But, thank you.”

“For what?” Stede still sounded on edge.

Ed wiped away the last of his stray tears. “For taking time away from your family to hear what I had to say. You didn’t have to and I’m— I won’t bother you again.”

There was a pause and Ed could hear Stede shifting around, pacing, maybe. “You’re not bothering me, Ed. I don’t— I don’t want you to disappear again. Please.” Ed didn’t say anything, afraid that if he opened his mouth again a torrent of more apologies would fall out. Stede sighed. “There are…still some things that I need to say. When there won’t be any interruptions.”

Ed’s heart fluttered at the same time that his stomach rolled. More that Stede needed to say to him? In the context of the last few minutes, it felt like a warning more than anything, but the lovesick boy inside of him still held on to hope against all of Ed’s best judgement. “Okay. Yeah. Whatever you need. You, uh— You’ve got my number, so just— when you have time.”

“I’ll call you soon, Moon.”

Moon.

The nickname had been used several times during their conversation and yet, this one hit him like an arrow to the chest.

“Sounds good. Enjoy your dinner.” Ed started to pull the phone away to end the call, expecting that there wasn’t any more for them to say tonight.

“Ed?”

“Yeah?” he asked, moving the phone back to his ear.

“I’ve missed you.”

And Ed knew that he shouldn’t, knew that it was a step too far in a direction that he didn’t know the destination of, but how could he not?

"I miss you too, Star."

[Ed is listening to]

Here Without You, 3 Doors Down, 2002

Chapter Text

Mesmerize, Ashanti & Ja Rule, 2003

“We’ve only got five minutes before my next class, Ed,” Stede whispered against his lips once the door was closed securely behind them.

Ed kissed him again, frantic with the time constraint, and reached for his belt. “I can work with that.”

Stede laughed, pushing Ed back with a hand to his chest so he could take over the task. “You’re a menace.” Ed backed up reluctantly and removed his messenger bag, tossing it to the floor. “What is this room anyway?” Stede asked, working open the buckle.

Ed shrugged. “Supply closet I guess?” He reached for Stede the moment the belt was undone, popping open the button on his jeans and leaning in to kiss him desperately again, before dropping to his knees.

“Don’t you want me to get you off too?” Stede watched him as he tugged the jeans down.

“No,” Ed answered quickly, yanking Stede’s boxers down and taking him in mouth quickly.

He heard Stede’s head thump against the door. “Jesus fuck, Moon—”

Ed hadn’t asked what happened with Anne on New Years. Stede hadn’t offered the information willingly. It was a mystery that Ed would rather stay unsolved.

They had returned to campus only a few days apart, Ed first, then Stede, and things had resumed as before. And that was good enough for Ed. He didn’t need to know what had happened after the call disconnected because it didn’t matter. Whatever Stede had done, it was necessary. That didn’t prevent him from considering, at random points throughout the days though, that Anne was here also, and that what was necessary then, may be necessary again. So, Ed was going to make sure to remind Stede every chance he got what it was like with him. That it was better. It had to be better.

And it seemed to be working. The amount of time that Stede was with Ed studying (aka: watching cheesy romcoms and fucking on the floor of Ed’s dorm room) left little time for him to be with Anne. Which didn’t appear to be a problem for anyone except Izzy who had loudly, and threateningly, expressed his irritation with walking in on them at least three times in the last few weeks.

Hence the supply closet.

Stede tangled his fingers into Ed’s ever-growing curls, tightening a fist to shove Ed down as he stifled a moan into the crook of his arm, legs shaking with his orgasm.

“How long was that?” Ed asked, pulling off and running a sleeve across his mouth.

Stede lifted his arm to glance at his watch. “Three minutes and forty-two seconds,” he said, chest heaving.

Ed stood, tucking him back in and pulling his pants back up around his waist. “New record,” he smirked, buckling up Stede’s belt. “And you still have two minutes to get to class on time.”

Stede grabbed up his backpack from the floor. His cheeks were flushed, eyes glassy with bliss. “Dinner at 6:00?”

“Pizza or…” Ed adjusted his bag strap across his chest.

Stede grabbed the door handle. “Pizza is fine,” he said, pulling Ed in for a less frenzied kiss. “I have to stop by the house before I come over, but I shouldn’t be long,” he said pulling back and cracking the door open to peak into the hall.

“Don’t get distracted.” Ed pushed up behind him, pretending to look into the hall too just so that he could press against Stede’s back.

Stede glanced back over his shoulder at him with a sly smile. “You are the distraction.”

“Wouldn’t think of it. Now go or you will be late,” Ed said pulling the door open all the way and shoving Stede out. Stede laughed, throwing one last look over his shoulder as he made his way down the empty hall. “And don’t talk to fucking Rackham!”

Stede flipped him off with a hand above his head as he rounded the corner out of sight.

“Ed! Hey, Ed! Wait up!”

Ed had just hit the sidewalk when he heard Mary calling out behind him. He had talked to her a handful of times since Halloween, mostly so that she could profusely apologize for not remembering what happened. Ed had decided it best to preserve both of their dignity by pretending that he didn’t remember either.

Mary skidded to a stop next to him. “Hey! How are you?”

“Hey,” Ed gave her his best impersonation of a smile. “I’m good. How about you?”

“Good,” she replied, sounding a little winded. “Bio-chem is kicking my butt a bit already, but what you gonna do?” She laughed.

Ed nodded and adjusted his bag strap with a glance down the path. He had to get to the other side of campus to grab the pizza and back to his room before Izzy or they wouldn’t have a chance in hell of getting rid of him. “Well it was good to see you, Mary, but I gotta get going before study group starts.”

“Oh! Right. Yeah, I didn’t mean to hold you up,” she shook her head.

Ed gave pause for a second, stuffing his hands into his UMD hoodie to allow for anything else she might have to say. “Cool,” he said turning back in the direction of the pizzeria. “Ill, uh— catch you later then, I guess.”

“Actually…” Mary appeared at his side again, falling into step next to him. “I was wondering if you had plans for Valentine’s Day.” Ed cocked an eyebrow at her, sure that they were past all of this. Mary shook her head with a laugh. “Yeah, I know. I’m not under any delusions or anything, it's just— You and Stede are close, right?”

Fuck.

Ed shrugged. “We’re friends, I guess, yeah.”

“I thought so,” she said, chipper. “So you know Anne, then, right?”

Ed bit his tongue. Where was she going with this? “Met her once. Wouldn’t say I know her, know her.”

“Yeah, no, that’s— cool. Okay, so…Anne suggested that I come along with her and Stede on Valentine’s so I’m not stuck in the dorm ruminating on being alone, which is really sad and pathetic now that I say it out loud—” Ed’s stomach twisted. He should have expected that Stede would have to take Anne out for fucking Valentine’s Day, but for some reason he had just assumed it would be a night like any other for them. Mary continued, “But, I don’t want to be a third wheel so I thought maybe, since you and Stede are friends already—”

Ed stopped dead and turned to her. “You want to double date with— with Stede and Anne? On Valentine’s Day?”

Mary grinned and nodded. “Yeah! I mean— if you don’t already have plans.”

It was a terrible fucking idea. But…if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?

“Okay,” Ed said with another shrug. At least this way he would still be with Stede in some capacity.

“Yeah?” Mary did a little fist pump in the air. “Awesome! Amazing,. You’re amazing, Ed.”

Ed scuffed a shoe along the brick. “So, uh, what time should I—”

“Meet me in the Cambridge commons at 5:00?”

“Sounds good.” He pulled his hands from his pocket and gestured down the street. “I really gotta—”

“Yeah, sure thing,” she waved, taking a step back. “And thanks, Ed. I’ll see you Friday.”

He probably shouldn’t mention this to Stede.

No One Knows, Queens of the Stone Age, 2002

What exactly was the proper attire for taking your platonic friend on a double date with your boyfriend and his girlfriend?

Casual because it’s platonic and you’re not trying to impress? Or like, Khakis and a sweater because you need your boyfriend to know what he’s missing? Maybe, the amethyst colored Henley he knows Stede likes and got him a hand job under the library table?

Ed swiped the Henley from his closet and kicked the door closed.

“Why are you putting up with this?” Izzy asked, perched with his elbows on the window sill, cigarette dangling between his lips.

“Same reason I put up with you,” Ed said, pulling the shirt over his head and crossing the room to pluck the cigarette from Izzy’s mouth. “You’re gonna get us in trouble, man,” he chastised, snuffing the last of the cherry in an old Mountain Dew bottle.

Izzy rolled his eyes and sunk back on Ed’s bed, crossing his ankles like he was settling in. “You put up with me because you have to,” Izzy spit. “And I’m fucking cool. Bonnet is goddamn prep with stupid fucking hair—”

“I like his hair—”

“—who wouldn’t give you the time of fucking day if he thought Daddy would find out.”

Ed pulled a hair tie from around his wrist and slung his hair on top of his head in a messy bun. He could do that now, as long as it was, and Stede really seemed to like it that way.

“He offered to tell his family, Iz. I’m the one that said no.” Ed glanced at the clock, checking how much time he had left before he needed to meet Mary. “He has to be with Anne to keep up appearances.”

“Or maybe,” Izzy suggested, “he knew you would be the chivalrous prick that you are and offer so he wouldn’t even have to suggest it.”

Ed dropped to the floor, eyes scanning under his bed for his Vans. “He’d tell them if I asked him to.”

“You sure about that?” Izzy leaned over the edge of the bed as Ed stretched to grab the pair of shoes that had somehow become pushed along the wall.

“Yes,” Ed grunted, fingertips skimming the surface of the shoe. “I’m— sure—” He caught a finger in the laces and tugged the shoes out, sitting up on his knees and meeting Izzy’s eyes. Izzy raised a brow at him. “I’m sure,” he insisted, adjusting to sit so he can pull on his shoes.

He was sure.

Izzy swiped his tongue over his teeth looking thoughtful, then said, “Wanna wager on it?”

A wager, huh? What could he really have to lose? Ed trusted Stede, and sure, the purpose of the whole thing was to protect Stede, but he could…take it back later, right?

Ed feigned disinterest, rubbing at a spot on his Vans, eyes down. He shrugged nonchalantly, “What’s the deal?”

Izzy grinned, pushing himself up on the bed. “You win and I’ll buy all the booze for the next month.”

Ed shot him a look. “You always buy all the booze.”

“Fine. Then, how ‘bout I promise to never threaten to break his face again?”

Ed rolled his eyes and pushed himself up off the floor. “Nevermind—” he stared, snatching up his keys and shoving them into his pocket.

“The room,” Izzy ground out, and Ed turned back to him, throwing a questioning look at his roommate. “Every Saturday for the next month. I’ll go hang with Ivan for the night and you can—” he gestured vaguely with his hand, “do whatever you fucking do.”

“Till the end of the year.” Ed countered.

Izzy pulled himself off the bed. “Month and a half, and that’s my final.”

Considering the amount of times he’s been caught with Stede’s dick in his mouth now…it would be nice to not have to worry about interruptions for the entirety of a night. Plus, then Stede could stay over.

“And if you win?” Ed eyed him suspiciously.

Izzy smiled, all teeth and smugness. “If I win, you go out with me on Saturdays instead and I show you how to really party.”

Bad fucking idea, Teach!

He shouldn’t. It was dumb. But…

“Deal!” He held up his hand for Izzy to shake on it. He wasn’t going to pass up the chance to wake up with Stede in his arms, even if it wasn’t for long. And who wouldn’t take a bet they couldn’t lose?

Izzy flashed him another grin. “Deal.”

I Believe in a Thing Called Love, The Darkness, 2003

It was a bad idea.

A stupid, terrible, idiotic fucking idea, and Ed should have known better.

He should have known that the moment he crossed the threshold with Mary that shit was going to hit the fan.

Stede was a lot of things: sweet, sexy, smart, funny, jealous…so fucking jealous. But what Ed had not anticipated, what he could not have predicted, was the absolutely insane level of bratty he was about to be subjected to for his grave miscalculation.

It had taken exactly 13.78 seconds (Ed had counted) for Stede’s face to shift from polite to shocked to furious, finally landing at I’m going to make you regret waking up this morning, when he met Ed’s eyes.

This was...going to be a problem.

Chapter Text

The restaurant was fancy. Way fancier than any place they had ever been together. Not that Stede had seemed to need anything like this for all these months. To the contrary, he had on more than one occasion vehemently asserted how much he enjoyed a cheap cheesesteak shared between them sitting elbow to elbow on Ed’s bed. So seeing him there, dressed to the nines in a Ralph Lauren suit, blonde curls combed back, he appeared as a completely different person. A person hiding the truth of who they were behind a stage curtain; a player on a stage. And it was all Ed’s fault.

This entire scenario, in fact, was his fault.

“Mo—” The secret name started to slip from Stede’s mouth, but he recovered quickly, reaching for Mary as they approached Stede and Anne standing by the hostess desk. “Mary. Glad you came.” He leaned in a planted a friendly kiss to the side of Ed’s dates face. “And you’ve brought Ed.” Stede’s eyes cut to him with a smile as he drew back, but it was fake. Ed knew what happiness looked like on Stede, and this wasn’t it. “How lovely.”

Ed had made his fucking bed with this genius plan, so now he was going to have to lay in it. All he had to do was roll with the punches for an hour or so, drop Mary back off, and he could fuck an apology into Stede and call it a night. Simple.

“Stede,” Ed said politely, extending a hand like one should do when greeting a friend.

Stede’s overly friendly smile was frightening as he slid his eyes down to Ed’s hand and Ed caught the way his eye twitched at the sight.

Oh fuck. Wrong move.

Mary and Anne chatted quietly beside them as Stede stared at his hand for a moment more before his eyes went back to Ed’s face. Before Ed could rethink his choice, Stede’s arm shot out and clutched Ed’s hand in his own, squeezing tightly in warning as his gaze flickered momentarily to Mary and back. There was a cold challenge in his eyes that made Ed both incredibly horny and exceedingly scared for his life, and Ed knew with absolute certainty that he had fucked up in the most magnificent of ways.

“Everything okay?” Anne asked, slipping her hand into Stede’s and Ed couldn’t stop himself from looking.

Stede squeezed Ed’s hand one last time and then dropped back, turning to Anne with his society mask in place. “Perfect.”

It started with a touch.

It wasn’t like Ed didn’t know that Stede touched Anne, he just didn’t think about it. Ever. Or at least he hadn’t until it was made impossible for him not to when Stede wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling Anne’s small frame against his chest as he talked over her shoulder to Mary, his eyes flickering in quick glances assessing Ed’s reactions. It was bullshit. Absolute fucking bullshit.

“This way,” the hostess said with a bright smile that only pissed Ed off more. The fuck did she have to be so happy about?

Stede gestured for Anne and Mary to go ahead, falling in step beside Ed behind them.

“What are you doing?” Stede whispered to him, eyes focused straight ahead as they were led to their table.

“What am I doing?” Ed whisper yelled back, throwing a look over at his jerk of a boyfriend. “What’re you doing?”

“You’re not supposed to be here, Ed.”

“Thought I’d surprise you,” Ed shrugged, trying to convey a level of smugness he was unaccustomed to. “It is Valentine’s Day after all.”

“Exactly,” Stede hissed quietly between his teeth. “So you thought you’d take your crush out, huh?”

That was…not accurate but also not off base. Son of a bitch.

“Goddamn it, Stede—” he started but was cutoff by the hostess motioning toward their table.

“Here we are,” she said, ushering them into a large booth.

Stede threw him a warning glare and then dropped down into the end spot next to Anne as she scooted toward the interior next to Mary.

“Tonight’s special is Lobster stuffed rigatoni with Carrot Purée and Corn Sabayon. You’ll find our wine list on the back of your menu,” the hostess rambled off with ease as Ed took his seat next to Mary, across from Stede, and accepted the bite sized menu. “Your server should be right with you.”

Ed turned the menu over in his hand. “Too bad we’re not old enough to get a bottle,” Ed mused, glancing over their options. Wine would definitely help chill the vibes right now.

Mary giggled coyly beside him and he looked up to find Stede smirking at him.

“Good evening,” interrupted their server, coming to stand primly at the head of their table. “I’m Sam and I’ll be taking care of you this evening. Can I get you started with a bottle of one of our house wines?”

Stede pulled his eyes away from Ed, casting them over to their server. “What would you recommend?” he asked, his voice dropping low and sultry as he leaned forward on the table.

Ed knew that voice. That voice was Stede’s ‘come fuck me’ voice.

“Depends on what you like,” Sam purred back at him, and Ed threw a look up at the server.

The guy was about their age, maybe a bit older, tall with dark hair and golden eyes. Ed preferred blondes, obviously, but he couldn’t deny the guy was good looking in a roguishly handsome way, if you liked that sort of thing.

“Full bodied, a little fruity,” Stede said, and Ed snapped his attention back over to him just in time to watch his eyes run the length of the servers body.

Fucking seriously?

Ed cast his eyes around the table to Anne and Mary. Was he the only one seeing this?

Apparently, because they were engaged in a conversation of their own, paying zero mind to Stede openly flirting with their waiter.

“I would have to recommend our back of house Cabernet Sauvignon to… get you going, then.” Sam grinned shamelessly. “Our special stock. I’d be more than happy to give you a tour of the cellars if you wish to select a bottle yourself.”

Bold. Ed would give the guy credit for being brash enough to throw that one out there.

Stede hummed. “I may have to take you up on that.” Oh, absolutely fucking not! “I’ve always been curious—”

Ed kicked his shin under the table and Stede jumped, cutting himself off as the fancy fucking silverware rattled on the tabletop to throw Ed a death stare. Anne and Mary both turned to look at them abruptly.

“Are you alright, Stede?” Mary asked in confusion as Anne reached out and settled a hand on his arm.

“He’s fine,” Ed replied before Stede could open his mouth to speak, eyes locked on each other across the table. “We’ll actually take a white.”

“I believe—” Sam started to protest until Ed broke his staring match to turn to him.

“A white is all we need,” Ed growled a little more aggressively than he should for present company. “Thanks.”

Sam tossed one last look at Stede, who didn’t move his eyes away from Ed, before nodding and taking off out of sight.

“Are you sure everything’s alright?” Anne asked skeptically, looking between Ed and Stede, and Stede finally broke his gaze to turn to her.

“Yeah, I’m good, bunny,” he assured her with another fake smile that Anne didn’t pick up on. She grinned at him sweetly, sliding her hand down to lace her fingers with Stede’s before turning back to Mary. Ed watched as Stede’s eyes trailed across the room before coming to rest back on Ed’s face with a quirk of his lips. “Just thinking about what I want for dessert tonight.”

Ed ground his teeth together. Fine. If this was how Stede wanted to go, two could play at that game.

“Yeah,” Ed said, settling back in his seat and slinging an arm along the back of the booth behind Mary. “Might try something new myself.”

“Why are there so many fucking forks?” Ed asked under his breath, not expecting anyone to hear him, much less answer.

“There’s one for each course,” Mary said, leaning in to whisper back to him as Stede and Anne discussed options. Ed jumped a little bit at her voice, not expecting her to be so close when he looked up from the absurd place setting in front of him.

“Start with the one on the outside, the salad fork. Same for your knife—”

“I need a knife for my salad?” Ed lifted a brow at her.

Mary huffed a small laugh and leaned over him to point at one of the three knives on his right. “This one is for the salad, which should be coming now.” She moved her finger to the next, Ed following along intently. “This is for fish and the big one is your dinner knife.” Mary pulled back and smiled at him. “Same with the forks. See…easy.”

Maybe Ed had written her off too quickly. She was always kind and considerate, and she smelled like flowers, which would have been a strange observation to make if she wasn’t almost sitting in his lap. Not that he was interested in Mary in that way, because he wasn’t, but she seemed like a good person. He could why Stede had been friends with her most of his life.

Stede cleared his throat loudly and Ed realized he had been staring at Mary, lost in thought, for longer than was appropriate.

“Thanks,” he said with an appreciative smile that Mary returned before sliding back into her spot. “So, uh,” Ed turned to face Stede and Anne, the redhead flush against Stede’s side in the seat. That should be him. “Did we decide on an appetizer?”

“We were thinking about some Calamari, unless there’s something you would rather have, Ed,” Anne answered with a soft grin in his direction.

He wanted to hate her. He should hate her. But every interaction he had ever had with Anne had been a good one. It would have been easier for Ed to convince himself that she was all wrong for Stede if she was callous or pretentious, but the truth was that she was just as perfectly sweet as Mary was. If this all went to shit in the end, he wouldn’t even be able to be mad at Stede for sticking with her. Anne was a good match.

That, however, did not mean it was any easier to watch them together. And if he couldn’t hate Anne for it, the little green monster that had recently taken up residence in his head, overruling any good sense that he had, was telling him that he was going to have to project all his jealousy onto Stede.

“Whatever you guys want is fine, thanks,” he said, tossing the menu he had been death-gripping for the last few minutes onto the table and picking up his glass of water.

Where the fuck was that dick with their wine anyway? Not that he wanted Sam to come back to the table because fuck him for real, but he could definitely use a little bit of alcohol to settle the burning anger in his stomach right now.

“So, Ed,” Anne started, slipping her hand under the table, presumably to rest on Stede’s knee. It better be on his knee. Ed hummed around the glass in answer as he took another sip of his water in hopes that it would keep him from saying something stupid. “Are you a marketing major as well?”

Ed sat the glass down with a shake of his head. “Hell no. Couldn’t pay me to jump on that capitalist bullshit,” he laughed and Stede tapped his foot under the table. Ed flicked his eyes over to him and Stede shot him a look. “I, uh— I mean, no.” Ed cleared his throat, bringing his eyes back to Anne. “I’m a sociology major.”

Anne looked intrigued. “Interesting. What made you choose sociology?”

Ed rubbed the palms of his hands along the top of his pants, a nervous habit. “Dunno,” he shrugged. “Guess I always wished I could change the world and sociology seemed like a practical way that I could at least make a small impact.”

“That’s extremely admirable,” Anne said with a sincerity that cut him right to the bone, a thoughtful look on her face. “It isn’t often that I meet someone who gives me hope in humanity.”

Fucking— Damn it! Why was she so cool?

Ed opened his mouth to thank her but never got the chance as Sam arrived with a tray containing salads and Ed’s requested bottle of wine. Anne made quick work of filling everyone’s glasses as Stede put in the order for their Calamari. Then, Mary suggested they toast to health and happiness and Ed lifted his glass with a genuine smile on his face, the evening seeming to be moving in a better direction than it had started at last.

Boy was he wrong.

Ed wasn’t so proud that he couldn’t admit when something was his fault. He was only human after all; he was bound to make a few mistakes once in a while. What he would not do, however, was take the blame for something that was outside of his control.

And what had happened during their appetizer course was not his fault.

“Mmm, goodness,” Mary had hummed around a bite of food, hand reaching to pluck another piece from the dish in front of her and holding it up in front of Ed’s face. “You have to try this.”

By this point, Ed had allowed himself to indulge in several glasses of wine, hoping beyond hope that it would help him to find reconciliation between the growing beast in his chest and his conscious desire to make it through this unscathed. And it did help. But everything was warm and fuzzy around the edges, and Ed felt safe, accepted, cared for. He felt like he was wrapped in a blanket of friendship and the things that would normally dissuade him from doing something silly didn’t apply here.

So if it was anyone’s fault, it was the fault of the wine and his friends making him feel comfortable enough to lean over and eat the food right from Mary’s waiting fingers. Which in hindsight was probably the wrong move. The calamari was really good though. So good that Ed had to close his eyes momentarily to thoroughly savor it. So good that he couldn’t stop the borderline obscene sound that escaped him or the way he almost swooned right into Mary’s arms.

The clattering of silverware hitting fine china is what brought him back to reality, and Ed cracked his eyes open to find Mary staring, eyes wide, lips parted in surprise.

Silence.

Fuck.

Ed swallowed. “Um, yeah,” he tried to recover, “it’s real good.”

Mary released a slow breath, like she’d been holding it in for a while, and nodded, turning away to grab her wine and drink it down in one go.

Ed turned in his seat slowly, meeting Stede’s gaze tentatively, and it was exceptionally clear that he was about to die by the blonde’s hand.

Anne smiled behind her glass. “You’re cute together,” she gestured between Ed and Mary, who blushed furiously, taking a bite of her salad.

Stede ran his tongue along his lips and reached for his own glass. “Aren’t they?” His words were polite but sarcasm undercut his tone, eyes alight with mischief. “They make a gorgeous couple,” he said, tipping his glass back.

“We’re just friends,” Mary asserted and Ed cut his eyes over to her. Her gaze flickered to him and back to Stede. “I didn’t want to be a third wheel and Ed agreed to accompany me. Platonically.”

“Of course,” Stede smiled at her and you could have cut the fucking tension with a chainsaw. “Just friends.”

“And I said, 'Why? And, also, what if it weren’t like that?'” Stede finished his punchline and the girls giggled.

Mary clapped, rocking into Ed, who was determined to finish his next glass of wine before their food arrived. Mary grinned at him with an expectant look and Ed raised his eyebrows in agreement, humming feigned amusement around the rim of his glass. He was appreciative of her unconscious save earlier, and glad to know that his unintentional move hadn’t confused the status of their relationship, but the more they all drank, the more it felt like the bottom was about to drop out.

Anne sank further into Stede and he embraced her as she whispered something that made his eyes crinkle with laughter.

Ed refilled his glass.

He was doing it on purpose because he knew Ed was watching. Because Ed had made the mistake of getting to comfortable in the situation and drinking too much wine. He was doing it because he wanted to prove a point and make Ed jealous. And he was jealous.

“Here, bunny, try this one.” Stede held a cucumber up to Anne’s mouth and she bit into it, laughing.

Anne thought it was cute or silly or romantic or who the fuck knows what. It was not any of those things. It was a bratty fucking asshole trying to show off. And Ed wasn’t having it.

 He’d had too much wine and too much…this…and it felt about time that he up his antics to match Stede’s.

Ed swiped a garlic roll from the basket beside him and broke it in half.

“Mary.” She turned to look at him and he held up a piece of the roll, reaching out to take it before Ed drew back. “No. Allow me.”

Mary narrowed her eyes at him questioningly . Had she eaten a roll already? Yes. But that wasn’t the point. And he needed her to play along. Even if he couldn’t tell her that. Or why. Or…

Ed pushed the food forward toward her mouth and Mary opened with a look of surprise, accepting the roll.

It wasn’t sexy like Ed had imagined when he’d had the thought, but, fuck it, it would do.

He watched Stede from the corner of his eye, face unamused as he clenched his jaw.

“Bunny,” Stede said, picking a tomato from his salad bowl to hold it up to Anne and she accepted as before.

Ed tore off another piece of the roll and thrust it back toward Mary, who looked concerned for his health. Ed raise a brow at her in silent pleading and Mary leaned forward cautiously to take it from his fingers.

“Try it with the dip now,” Stede was saying to Anne when Ed looked back over at him to assess his reaction and he was holding a piece of calamari out to her.

Now Anne looked a little confused too, but she accepted the food just the same and Stede grinned wickedly.

Ha!

Ed snatched up a piece himself and dunked it quickly into the sauce before spinning on Mary who, quite frankly, looked terrified at his sudden interest in her appetite.

“Try,” he growled when she didn’t immediately dive toward him for it, and her eyes went wide again before she opened her mouth and let him put the food in.

“This lettuce is so crunchy.”

“Have another bite.”

“Carrot for my bunny?”

“Love olives.”

“This parmesan really enhances the dish.”

“Its better with a little more butter.”

“You like croutons right, bun—”

“Enough!” Anne yelled, putting a hand in front of her mouth before Stede could shove a crouton into it.

Both of them froze, Ed with his hand hovering over the shaker of salt. What was he even going to do with that?

“That’s more than enough, thank you,” Anne said firmly and Stede dropped his hand.

“Yes, I’d like to have some room for my meal,” Mary chimed in and Ed drew his hands into his lap.

“Not sure I even want to know what this is about,” Anne said looking between him and Stede, “but Mary and I are going to the bathroom and when we come back, you two better have it worked out.”

She threw her napkin up on the table and gestured for Stede to move so she could get out.

Ed tossed a look at Mary, who considering everything, gave him an apologetic look before shooing him out of the way as well.

Stede slid back into his seat once the girls were gone and picked up the almost empty bottle of wine. “You’re being kind of a dick.”

Ed tossed the discarded food from the table onto his plate. “Oh, I’m the one being a dick?” he murmured back.

“Yes,” Stede asserted, tipping the last of the wine into his empty glass. “You started it.”

Ed pushed his plate to the middle of the table forcefully. “I started it?” Stede hummed, cocking his head as he brought his glass to his lips. “Oh, bunny, try this. Carrot for my, bunny. Bunny, this is so good,” Ed mocked.

Stede put his glass down and leaned forward. “Well maybe if you hadn’t been flirting with Mary all night—”

“Maybe if you hadn’t been rubbing Anne in my face since the moment I got here, I wouldn’t be!” Ed reached across the table and snatched Stede’s glass, taking a long swig before Stede could grab it from his hands.

“And if you hadn’t shown up with Mary in the first place none of this would be an issue!” Stede leaned over the table and pulled the glass from Ed’s lips, slamming it back to the table. “You’re drunk!” he hissed.

“I’m not drunk,” Ed insisted. “And even if I was, that has nothing to do with any of this.”

“What’s it have to do with then, Ed?” Stede lowered his voice to a whisper. “Because correct me if I’m wrong, you are the one insisting I keep up with this charade!”

“Yeah, well,” Ed threw himself back in the booth, crossing his arms over his chest. “Maybe I changed my mind.”

Stede eyed him hesitantly, grinding his teeth in thought before he responded. “Did you?” his voice softened in genuine wonder.

Ed ran his tongue over his teeth considering. “I don’t know.” He was sick of it, with experiencing it, and he had the bet with Izzy, but… “I don’t like this though.”

“You have to be sure, Moon.” Stede said gently, the entire atmosphere shifting them into something more recognizable. He swallowed thickly, eyes searching Ed’s face for any sign of falter. “Once it’s out there, I won’t be able to take it back.”

“I know,” Ed whispered, dropping his arms in concession. Why the fuck were they even fighting in the first place? Ed didn’t want to fight with Stede. “I know. I just—” He huffed, shaking his head. “I want you all to myself.”

Stede smiled at him, soft and affectionate, almost shyly, and Ed really, really wanted to go across the table and kiss him about it. Instead, he shifted in his seat so that he could hook a foot around Stede’s leg, stroking up and down.

“We’ll talk about it later,” Stede said, pushing into the hidden touch. “Let’s just— try and get through this first without giving ourselves away. If we’re doing this, I’d prefer if my father didn’t find out before we have a plan.”

Ed nodded. “Yeah.”

“All sorted?” Anne asked as her and Mary arrived back at the table, quirking a brow in Stede’s direction.

Ed moved his foot up and down Stede’s leg one more time before pulling away so they could let the girls back into their seats.

“Yep. All good now.”

The food smelled amazing and looked even better, and Ed was so happy to see their steaming plates arrive he forgot to give Sam another menacing look, grabbing up his fork the moment it was in front of him.

“So,” Anne unfolded a napkin into her lap and picked up her fork, “does anyone have any plans for the summer?”

Mary rolled her eyes, following suit. “South of France again.”

Ed shoved a bite of food into his mouth, listening to them talk, and tried not to stare too hard at the way Sam was eyeing Stede.

“Classic,” Stede commented, surveying his plate as it was placed in front of him.

At least he wasn’t paying attention to Sam anymore because Stede was extra pretty right now, his cheeks rosy from the wine, hazel eyes shiny in the candlelight. Sam was lucky the wine was wearing off enough for Ed to ignore the way the waiter was eye fucking his boyfriend. Things had just settled down and he had enough sense now to not immediately try and fight the asshole in the middle of dinner and get shit started again.

Anne groaned, stabbing a piece of her meat. “How many times to they think we need to see the same things?”

At least Ed felt confident again that Stede would end up in his bed tonight and not elsewhere, even though that made it harder for him to keep his mind in the here and now, and not think about later. The emotional turmoil of the night had definitely created a tension that, now resolved, had him feeling a bit…on edge. And really, who could blame him for imagining his cock in Stede’s mouth at this point? Obviously not Sam, who seemed to be considering the same thing.

Ed wished he had his car here. Maybe he could have convinced Stede to leave early, found an excuse for them to take off together like the night at the diner. Honestly, if he had his car, they wouldn’t have actually even needed to leave, just found a reason to both disappear at the same time. Ed knew firsthand that Stede could handle things just fine from the passenger seat. They’d have to be quicker though that way, but at least he wouldn’t have wait another couple of hours.

Plus, Ed had been making record time lately when the circumstances called for it. He’s sure they could both reach a mutual satisfaction in ten minutes or less. Especially if Ed went first and got to listen to the filth that spilled from Stede’s mouth while he sucked him off. Ed could definitely see it, hear the shit Stede would say to him. As a matter of fact, he thought that should probably be a goal for tonight anyways. Put him belly down, have him screaming—

“—Daddy—”

Ed choked on his food and everyone looked over at him. Mary cut herself off and reached over swating his back as Stede flashed him a concerned look.

“Are you alright?” Mary asked, rubbing Ed’s back as he took a sip of water and tried to catch his breath.

Sam smirked at him as he placed Mary’s dish down in front of her, looking far too pleased. Fuck not starting a fight, Ed was going to rip his cocky fucking face off when he could breathe again.

Ed sucked air into his lungs finally, but Mary kept rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“Sorry, I thought you said—” Ed stopped at the feeling of Stede’s ankle bumping against his own and he took in Stede’s wide gaze. The blonde gave him a quick shake of his head and flicked his eyes to Mary in silent warning.

“Anything else I can get for you all?” Sam asked with amusement in his voice, stepping back from the table to take in the whole scene. “More water? Or that bottle of red maybe?”

“We’re fine.” Stede’s voice was clipped and dismissive as he waived Sam off without even a look in his direction, eyes locked on Ed.

Ed watched in breathless gratitude as Sam’s face fell and he shot a look between Ed and Stede before taking off with a polite nod of his head.

Winner, winner, fucking prick.

Once he was breathing steadily again, Mary pulled away and picked up her fork. “So much excitement tonight,” she commented with a quick swipe of her eyes in Ed’s direction.

“Yeah,” Stede agreed, dragging his leg suggestively against Ed’s. “It is.”

Ed wasn’t sure when things had gone from a competitive game of footsie under the table, to them trying to secretly turn each other on, but he wasn’t going to complain about it.

He thinks it may have started while he was enjoying his lamb (which was surprisingly amazing) and Stede slipped off his shoe to run a socked foot up the side of Ed’s leg, startling him with the sudden contact on his bare skin. Ed had paused in his eating to try and catch Stede’s eye, but the menace carried on with his conversation as if he wasn’t being entirely distracting. The only thing that gave him away was the slight quirk of his lips when knew Ed was watching him.

Things had progressed quickly from there when Ed too had slipped off his shoe and gave as good as he got. Stede, in all of his competitive glory, had predictably not backed down from the perceived challenge, and eventually they were both slumped slightly in their seats with their feet in each others laps. The game of quick, but firm, presses had them both wiggling in their seats attempting to maintain a calm demeanor as Sam returned to clear the mess and they placed dessert orders. Then, as the girls fell into conversation about their studies, Stede had upped his intensity.

Ed whimpered quietly as Stede pressed in, massaging with the ball of his foot between Ed’s legs, and he could feel the heat rising in his face. Stede’s eyes were black and wicked across from him, a victorious smile breaking on his face as he pressed in again and Ed groaned, immediately trying to cover it with a cough.

Mary flicked her eyes over at him in question and Ed swiped his glass of water from the table, quickly bring it in front of his face with an I’m fine nod in her direction. She gave him a soft smile, returning to her conversation with Anne, and Stede snickered silently. So, he wanted to play dirty, did he?

Sam placed their desserts on to the table, eyeing them both suspiciously. “Anything else for now?”

Ed slid his foot higher and watched Stede suck in a breath, holding it in his chest. “We’re good,” Ed smiled, gratified in the way Stede was attempting to school his expression.

“Okay,” Sam replied tersely, giving them an appraising look over his shoulder as he left again.

Across from him, Stede seemed to collect himself and picked up his fork, spearing his cake with it right as Ed adjusted his foot again. The fork clunked heavily against the dish and Stede gasped audibly. Everyone turned to him, Ed lifting a brow in his direction, smirking as he took a bite of his own cake.

“Thought I saw a fly but—” he tossed a fiery look in Ed’s direction, “it was nothing.”

Ed took another bite and moaned around his food. “So good.”

Anne cocked her head at him, eyes narrowing.

“Are you going to take Statistics next semester?” Mary asked suddenly, drawing Anne’s attention back to her after another confused look in Ed’s direction.

“Yes, actually I was thinking…” They fell back into their back and forth.

Ed moved his eyes back to Stede and the bastard licked his lips, eyes focused and dark.

Oh no.

Ed hesitated with his fork halfway to his mouth and Stede grinned.

The next shift of Stede’s foot against him was sinfully delicious, sending heat flooding though his limbs to coil low in his belly, and Ed jumped with the contact. His fork clattered to the table at the same time his knee hit against the pillar, rocking the table violently. The glass of water, which he had unknowingly positioned precariously close to the edge of the table, tipped over and into his lap, and he jumped again.

"Ed!” Stede yelled over the clambering , pushing himself out of the booth to stand beside Ed. Ed shot him a pleading looking, Mary’s hand frozen in his lip. Anne giggled somewhere in the distance. “Ed, would you— Let’s go get you cleaned up in the bathroom,” Stede tossed his head in the direction of the restroom sign.

“Yeah. Yep. Great idea,” Ed said, yanking Mary’s hand away and jumping up.

“Be right back,” Stede threw over his shoulder at Anne as he gripped Ed’s hand, dragging him away.

“Where is Ed’s shoe?” he heard Anne say to Mary as he was pulled toward the back of the restaurant sporting a single Van.

“I have…no clue,” Mary said.

Stede made a beeline for the bathroom hall until their table was out of sight then turned abruptly and pulled Ed through a door marked “Wine Cellar”.

“What’re you doing?” Ed asked, stumbling along behind the blonde down a stone stairway. “Thought we were going to the bathrooms.”

“We’re not,” Stede answered simply, dragging Ed down a dimly lit hall at the bottom of the stairs.

Racks of wine lined the walls of the stone cellar, the temperature significantly cooler in the damp basement.

“Are we even allowed down here?”

“Probably not.” Stede stopped when they hit a split in the path, looking both directions before he tugged Ed to the left and around a corner. “But, considering the waiter was willing to bring me down here, I’m going to assume it’s not much traffic.”

Stede shoved him backward onto an oddly placed wooden table and pushed between his knees before he had the chance to respond to the waiter comment. Ed reached for him immediately, gripping the fabric at the back of Stede’s blazer and pulling him into a kiss. It was fucking illuminating. He tasted like strawberry crepes and white wine, and something distinctly Stede that Ed knew like the words to his favorite song.

“Fuck, Moon—” Stede gasped against his lips, fingers reaching for the button on Ed’s pants. “This whole night has been torture.”

“I know. Same. But—” Ed pulled back and stilled Stede’s hands. “Do you think this is a good idea? Anyone could—”

“We could have been caught a hundred times, a hundred different ways by now. I’d like to think someone is looking out for us.” He kissed Ed, seemingly to keep him from talking again as he popped open the button and got a hand inside his pants.

Ed threw his head back with a harsh exhale, steadying himself with a hand to the table behind him. “Shit, star. I—” Stede fumbled against his boxers until he was able to push the fabric aside and wrap a hand around Ed’s cock. “Holy shit, that’s good.”

Stede grinned, pushing his free hand up under Ed’s shirt to drag cold fingers against flushed skin. Ed groaned quietly, still trying to stifle his sounds in his throat, when Stede gave a firm, slow stroke, running his hand over the head to gather the precome at the tip.

“She was touching you,” Stede said, his breaths quickening with the stroke of his hand.

Ed dropped his eyes back to Stede’s. He looked dizzy with desire and furious with jealousy. “Not on purpose,” Ed panted, hips bucking into the smooth glide of Stede’s hand on him.

“I don’t care,” Stede growled, fist tightening with his next stroke. “She doesn’t get to touch you.” His tone was low and dark, and Ed would have done anything he asked. “You’re mine,” he murmured, the hand against Ed ribs digging into the skin there, drawing him closer. “Mine.”

It shouldn’t have been as hot as it was, the single word dripping from Stede’s lips in possessive passion, but heat bloomed, white hot, through Ed’s limbs and he grabbed Stede by the back of his neck crashing their lips together.

Stede’s hand picked up pace as his tongue pressed hot and unrestrained into Ed’s mouth. Ed arched into him and broke the kiss, unable to keep up as Stede pushed him towards release. Stede watched him, breathed with him, hot, quick breaths through parted pink lips, eyes shining with fascination.

“That’s it,” Stede panted, voice rough and barely above a whisper as he worked Ed over with a skilled hand. “That’s it. Show me, Ed.” Ed fisted a hand around Stede’s lapel and dropped his head to the blonde’s shoulder, his orgasm drawing closer with each new word. “Show me you’re mine, Moon. That this is just for me.” Ed moaned into his shoulder, muffling the sound into the expensive fabric, and Stede turned his head, whispering into Ed’s ear. “Come for me, love.”

This time, Ed couldn’t hold back the loud groan that escaped him with his release, spilling hot and white over Stede’s hand, the sound of his blissed out voice echoing in the cavern of the cellar.

It took a few moments for the static to clear from his head, slumped forward and held aloft in Stede’s arms before his eyes fluttered open and he caught movement in the shadows.

“Stede,” he whispered, “there’s someone else here.”

Stede went stiff in his arms. “What do you mean? Who?”

Ed tried not to move, flicking his eyes around rapidly trying to catch the intruder. “I—I don’t know. I can’t—” The shadowy figure shifted again and Ed trapped them in his sight. “There,” he tipped his head slightly against Stede’s jacket, “a few rows behind you.”

“What do we do?” Stede’s voice was cold with fear, a stark change from the heated one just moments before.

“I don’t know, but we can’t just stay here and wait.” Stede took a deep, wavering breath in. “I doubt it’s one of the girls,” Ed assured him, not entirely convinced of it himself. “But they will be wondering where we are soon.”

There was a beat of silence, filled only with their ragged breath before Stede nodded and pulled away, reaching for what looked like a bar rag sitting a few inches away from Ed on the table. He made quick work of cleaning them both up, tossing the rag onto the floor and kicking it under the table when he was done. He stepped back and motioned for Ed to get down.

“Just follow my lead,” Stede said once Ed was standing in front of him, and Ed nodded in understanding.

What else could he do? If they were caught, Stede would be the one with all of the consequences and Ed would have failed to protect him. The only thing he could do now was let Stede take the lead and back him up. If he had to end up positioning himself for a fight, then he would, but he would let Stede try and handle it his way first.

Stede turned on his heel, his aristocratic arrogance falling over him like a shroud. Ed loved when he got like this, all bright indignation and confidence. It was sexy as hell. Especially when it was pointed at someone other than Ed.

“You can stop haunting the shadows now, we know you’re there,” Stede spoke to the racks concealing the spy from their view.

The figure shifted around, almost as if they were trying to decide if they should reveal themselves or not, and then stepped from behind the rack. The yellow glow of the cellar lights cast over them and it took Ed’s eyes a moment to adjust before they came into view.

Son of a bitch.

Chapter Text

Stede’s expression was unreadable, some strange combination of shock and confusion and relief, as his eyes settled on the form in front of them.

Ed was paralyzed, frozen where he stood beside Stede. Fear rippled through him, eyes locked across an ocean of darkness with the witness.

“I suspected as much, I just…needed to confirm.”

Stede took a step forward and Ed reached for him, wrapping a fist into the fabric of his sleeve out of instinct, the inherent need to protect him at all cost. He couldn’t though. Not from this. Not anymore.

“Bunny—” Stede whispered, gasped, into the piercing quiet of the cellar. “I—” He took another step, pulling from Ed’s grasp and it felt empty, cold, familiar in a way that made Ed shiver. “Anne it’s not what—”

Anne took a step back, holding a hand up to ward Stede from coming any closer. “Please don’t lie, Stede, I—” She swallowed around the words as if they burned in her mouth. “I just need—” The calm in her voice was unsettling.

Why wasn’t she crying? Or screaming? Or tearing her hair out? She should be furious and hurt. She should be trying to rip Ed apart with her bare hands. He would be. If Ed was on the other side of this he would be losing his mind right now.

“I need to go,” Anne said devoid of emotion, turning toward the stairs.

Stede reached a hand toward her but didn’t move. “Anne please,” he begged, begged, with a pain that tore Ed’s cells open.

Failure.

Ed was supposed to protect him.

Anne ignored him, continuing to move into the darkness, and the world felt devoid of oxygen as he watched Stede crumple in on himself and sink to the floor.

Ed was at his side immediately unsure what to do but needing to protect him. He had to protect him.

They had always known what would happen once it was out, and Ed had expected there to be upset, for Stede to mourn the loss of his family, his life, but never once had he thought that Stede would mourn the loss of Anne.

“Star,” Ed whispered, reaching out to do the only thing he knew to do now. “Baby it’s—”

Stede knocked his hands away. “Ed, stop! Just—Stop. Please.” His face was a shattered, flushed, mess of tears, but his words cut deep and commanding. Stop.

There was so much in the single word, hidden in the spaces between what Stede was saying and what he was not— Stop trying to touch, to comfort. I don’t want your care, your remorse, your guilt. You did this. It’s your fault. You hurt me— Ed heard it all.

It was only a matter of time before Stede saw that Ed was not worthy, before he realized that he’d chained himself to a ship that was doomed to sink. Ed had never been under any delusions that this would last. Christ— he’d been the one trying to save Stede from this all along. He never should have given in. He should have refused to be friends again, never gone for coffee, told Stede to fuck off like he had been doing before the blonde had shown up in sociology class. Ed had been selfish to let him back in, to have gone back to the party that night, to have kissed him.

Selfish.

Now look where they were. Look what he had done! Stede was going to lose everything. His family, his friends, his home, his fucking future. All because Ed wasn’t strong enough to hold firm to the boundaries that he knew— he fucking knew— were necessary to keep all of this from happening. It was too late for him to take it back now though. But he could try and fix the mess he’d made. He could make it right.

“Anne, wait!” Ed shouted, and his voice echoed off the stone walls. He pushed himself up from where he had been kneeling at Stede’s side, unwanted.

Stede looked up at him, face streaked in the proof of Ed’s sins, brow pinched in confusion. “Moon?”

Ed watched Anne’s shadow retreating down the hall and glanced back down at Stede who was wiping his face. “I can fix this.”

“Fix what?” Stede sniffled, eyes shining up at him, glistening with unshed tears.

“Everything.”

Ed stepped forward, determined to right his wrong, but Stede caught him around the wrist before he could get too far. “Ed—” Ed turned to him. “Tell her I’m sorry. Tell her I—”

Ed’s heart clenched tightly in his chest. “I know.” He tugged free of Stede’s hold and Stede lets him.

He doesn’t want to do this but he has to. For Stede.

“Anne. Please. Stop,” Ed pleaded, rounding back around the corner leading to the stairs. His voice cracked on the words, revealing the vulnerable truth.

Anne hesitated at the sound of his voice, her back to him as she paused on the stairsway.

Somewhere above Mary sat alone at a table they had all shared together while he and Stede acted like fools, oblivious of how the night would end. Guilt sank deep, cut into him low, at the understanding of what they had done. Ed wasn’t just responsible for Stede’s pain, but for Anne’s too. They had been so childish, so clueless, so goddamn careless with it all.

Selfish.

“He’s sorry” Ed blurted in his spiraling and he saw the way Anne’s breath hitched. Ed stepped up onto the first step, needing to be closer to her, pulled to offer comfort that he knew she wouldn’t want from him. “He lov—”

“No,” she said simply, voice still eerily calm and measured. “He doesn’t.”

“He—”

“Doesn’t,” she repeated. “Never has.” Ed doesn’t know how to respond to that, Anne’s tone firm and knowing, speaking to the wine cellar door.

Stede had said to tell her, and he wanted to honor that request, but that wasn’t what Anne needed.

Ed took a breath. “I’m sorry.”

She shifted her feet in the step above him, a long beat of silence passing between them and Ed wondered if now she was going to hit him. He would let her. She deserved to.

She didn’t.

Instead she said, “I know,” turning to face him for the first time. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“That’s not—”

“He needs you,” she nodded toward where they had left Stede. “Take care of him.”

They locked eyes again for a single, brief moment and Ed saw the devastation in them. She was conceding.

He watched her retreat, her dark red dress disappearing behind the door as it swung closed behind her, and he did what he was told.

The walls were a pale yellow. Somewhere in the back of his mind Ed remembered someone telling him it was supposed to be calming. The room was bare, save for a few inspirational posters on the wall and art work that was labeled with the person’s name and year. Ed paused to look at one— a black background with white splashed seemingly at random.

“That’s Ben’s,” she said, shutting the door to the room after sliding the noise machine out into the hall.

Ed shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to her. “Yeah. It’s good.” Anne smiled professionally at him and gestured to a simple chair placed against the wall. “Is this your office?” he asked, dropping into the seat and slumping down.

Anne took the seat across from him and shrugged. “Nah, just a room.”

A moment of silence passed between them and Ed stared at his hands, rubbing them along the tops of his thighs. Nervous habit.

“Thank you,” Ed said after a beat, finally looking up at her, her red ringlets pulled back in a tight ponytail. She narrowed her eyes at him like she didn’t understand. Ed waved a hand around, “For this.”

“Its my job,” she said nonchalantly with another shrug, pulling a pad onto her lap.

“Is that why you did it?”

Ed had had trouble regulating the thoughts that came out of his mouth over the last few years. It wasn’t until after he’d said it that he often realized he may not have meant to. Or at least, he didn’t mean to say it in that way.

Anne looked taken off guard, mouth falling open a bit before she seemed to get her bearings back. “No,” she replied honestly, letting her gaze flicker to his eyes for the first time since they’d been reacquainted, “it’s not.”

Ed was used to people looking at him and seeing his diagnosis and mistakes instead of a human being. He had become accustomed to the dismissive tones and frustrated sighs when he asked for things, or sometimes just walked in a room. Nobody had been kind to him in a very long time. And that was fine. He was used to it.

The tension was almost tangible, thick and bitter around them. They were friends once, or something as close to friends as they could be for how they had started out.

“Well, thank you either way. If you hadn’t—” Ed looked away from the awareness in her eyes. It was a lot to watch strangers look at him and judge the shell of who he was, he didn’t think he could stand to see it from someone that actually knew him.

“But I did. And you let me.” There was nothing but empathy there. No judgement, no disdain, no condescension. “You made the choice on your own. So, while I appreciate your thanks…this isn’t about me.”

Ed liked his lips. They were dry and chapped. The least of his worries right now, but the fact that he even noticed their state meant something.

“Did I? Because, I don’t feel like I did. Make it on my own, I mean.”

Anne put the pad aside and leaned back in her chair, eyes searching his face. “Do you want to be here? Because you can leave if you don’t.”

Ed ran a shaking hand through his hair, considering. “Think I need to be, yeah.”

“That’s not what I asked you,” she said not unkindly, and his eyes snapped back to hers.

She was different now, yet somehow still the same. Time, circumstance, the harsh realities of the world, all of it was written into the lines of her face, the curve of her smile. She was Anne Bonny, the smart, whip-quick, strong girl who had held his hand in a tattoo parlor a decade ago, but she was also more.

“Yes,” Ed murmured, feeling like he was admitting to something terrible. “Yeah, I want to be here.”

Anne nodded. “Good.” She reached down and picked up her pad once more, settling it against her knee. “Why?”

Ed huffed in frustration. She knew why. He knew she knew why. She knew that he knew that she knew why. None of it made it any easier for him to say it out loud.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.” The words were barely over his lips before she responded. “Don’t bullshit me, Ed. I have twenty other people out there waiting to talk to me, who all know exactly why they want to be here. Don’t waste my time or theirs.”

Once he said it out loud, he couldn’t take it back. It would make it real. It would make this his reality. And he had been living so long running from the truth, pretending none of it would ever catch up to him, it terrified him knowing the illusion would be broken.

But he also knew this could be his last chance. All it would take is one more time and it could be over for good. Or it could continue on for another decade, which may have been an even more frightening option. He was so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired.

“I—” Ed took a deep breath.

“I’m an addict. And I need help.”

***

Magic Stick, Lil Kim feat 50 Cent, 2003

May 2003

The sound of the piano reverberated in the studio, which was generally a good thing when you’re playing music, but maybe not so great when you’re fucking your secret boyfriend against said piano. It was practically soundproof though, so there’s that. Although, the late hour at which they had found themselves there, would not lend to the excuse that they were actually practicing.

At least…not anything music related.

Ed splayed a hand against Stede’s chest, pushing his shirt up, and leaned his full weight against Stede’s back. Stede threw out at hand, scrambling for purchase along the top of the piano as Ed pulled out and thrust back into him.

“Oh fuck—” Stede’s hand slipped from it’s barely there grip, landing roughly against another set of keys, and the low tenor of the notes echoed around his strangled moan.

It was a Wednesday night. They should be studying for finals. In the library. Across campus. For some inexplicable reason though, Stede has managed to make friends with the janitor, a guy named Mr. Buttons, who had agreed to grant them access to the Performing Arts Center one night a week.

Ed didn’t ask why. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to know what that conversation was like, considering the few times he had met Buttons in person the man was ranting about crimes against pigeons. He was grateful however, to have the uninterrupted time alone considering he’d lost the bet to Izzy and the semester was quickly coming to a close.

Ed opened his mouth against Stede’s neck, punctuating the nip of his teeth with another thrust and Stede keened.

“Shit, Stede— You have to be—” Stede pushed back at the same time Ed moved to push back into him again, slamming their bodies together with an obscene sound. “—Oh, God, yes—”

Stede adjusted, holding himself up with a firmer grip to the edge, and reached back with his free hand to clutch at Ed’s hip, nails digging into the flesh. “Nobody can hear us! Stop fucking talking and fuck me!”

“If— if we’re alone—” Ed panted hotly against his neck, keeping with the steady rhythm Stede’s grip was guiding in. “Why are we rushing?”

“We’re not rushing,” Stede pushed at his hip and then drew him back in again. “Ah— We’re relieving stress.”

“Stress—” Ed repeated, because the sensation of Stede’s body surrounding him, the frantic push and pull of them moving together, was quickly sending him to the brink of insanity.

If you had asked Ed that night in the wine cellar if he would still have this, have Stede, three months later, he would have said with absolute certainty that it was an impossibility. He would have been wrong, obviously, but how could he have predicted that instead of ratting Stede out to his dad, Anne would offer to cover for them. No strings attached.

It seemed too good to be true, honestly. And quite frankly, Ed had thought it was. He’d said as much too, telling Stede that there was no way it wasn’t a trick. Because who in their right mind catches their long-time boyfriend jerking off his best friend in a restaurant basement and wants to stay friends?

No. Not just stay friends, but keep pretending to be in a relationship with him while he actively dates the guy he cheated on her with. It was beyond Ed’s scope of comprehension. Which is exactly why it seemed like bullshit.

It hadn’t been bullshit through. Anne had kept their secret. She’d kept it and put on the act of dutiful girlfriend when necessary, only to hand Stede right back over to Ed when whatever fuckery they were playing was over. She didn’t expect dates, or goodnight kisses, or hell, even phone calls. The only thing she asked for in return was Stede’s friendship. And by proxy, Ed’s as well.

They weren’t really friends though, how could they be? But after the first few times they hung out together, Ed realized that he didn’t mind her being around so much. Especially now that he didn’t have to be jealous of her.

Stede dropped his head to the piano with a groan, breath sharp and ragged. Ed adjusted, reaching out a hand to steady himself as he chased his pleasure without reservation.

The sounds of their wanton desire, the slap of their bodies coming together, every moan and groan and panted breath, echoed loudly against the soundproofing, settling back on their ears. To Ed it wasn’t just a reminder of what he had in the moment, but a promise of what he got to keep. Because Stede was all his now, he didn’t have to share or wonder what pieces belonged to only him.

Stede was all his and he was all Stede’s, and they got to be together for real. For the first time since Ocean City Ed didn’t feel the weight of Stede’s whole world bearing down on them.

There was just one small, itty-bitty, tiny, miniscule problem…

The semester was almost over and summer almost here. And unlike last year, they wouldn’t be spending it together.

In fact, Stede would be halfway across the world, literally, backpacking through Europe with friends of his parents. Stede had assured Ed that he would be completely safe with the Badmintons, but Ed didn’t miss the hesitation in his voice every time he talked about Nigel and his brother Chauncey. Although, knowing that Mary would be along too did help to ease some of his worry.

Sorta.

Not to mention that they wouldn’t be able to talk to each other for days, maybe weeks, at a time. It was a lot for him to wrap his mind around. He had just gotten Stede back to himself again and now he was going to have to let him go. The thought of having to be away from him that long made his insides twist with anxiety. What was he going to do for three months without him?

“Fuck, Moon— don’t— oh, fuck. Harder— I’m so close. Don’t— don’t stop. Yes, god. Fuck, I love you!”

Ed couldn’t be bothered to think or care about all of that right now though, not with Stede shaking apart in his arms. That was a problem for future Ed. Present Ed had absolutely no worries in the world at all.

“Have you heard about this new thing… Myspace?” Stede asked as they put themselves back together and cleaned up the space.

“What is it?”

“Its like…your own webpage but…not?”

Ed threw him a look, bending down to shove his laces into the side of his shoe.

“Like…you create a personal page on the site and then add your friends. Then you kinda…blog, I guess. You can put pictures and music on there too and then…talk about it with them,” Stede explained, buttoning up his pants and dropping down on the piano bench.

Ed swiped his hoodie off the floor and straightened, pulling it over his head. “But…why not just use a chatroom?”

“Because chatrooms are full of weirdos and strangers.”

“We are the weirdos mister,” Ed smirked, sinking to his knees in front of Stede and wrapping his arms around his waist.

Stede laughed. “You’re not wrong there.” He wrapped his own arms around Ed’s shoulders and pulled him into his chest, running a soft hand through his curls. “C’mon, it sounds fun,” Stede pouted into his hair. “Make one with me, Moon.”

“Fiiine,” Ed groaned, trying to sound put out by the whole thing. He pulled back to look Stede in the face. “Where’d you hear about it anyway?”

Stede’s lips twitched. “Jack was telling us—”

“Fuck off! No. Absolutely fucking not.” Ed tried to push out of the circle of Stede’s arms but the fucker was strong and held to him tightly, pulling him back in and kissing him hard. “Are you trying to bribe me, star boy?” Ed asked against his lips.

Stede shrugged, smiling into another kiss. “Is it working?”

“I hate you,” Ed murmured, an obvious surrender.

“Lies,” Stede said, then tackled him to the floor.

*Details on Ed's Profile*

Chapter Text

“I loved him too, you know? You don’t have a monopoly on loving Stede Bonnet.” Anne glanced at him, her hands clasped together in her lap as they sat across from each other in the Rise Up Cafe.

Ed swallowed down his mouth full of coffee, blinking slowly at her. “You—You never told me.”

Anne shrugged. “It wasn’t your business, Ed. It wasn’t about him, or you. It was about me. And yeah, it fucking hurt when I found out—”

Ed sat his cup down on the table with a loud clack, the understanding of what she was telling him settling into his bones. “Fuck, Anne—” All those years she had stood by them, defended them, protected them, and all the while she was suffering in silence with a breaking heart. The guilt was like lead in his stomach. “Oh, god, I’m sorry. I’m such a dick.”

Anne rolled her green eyes. “Stop,” she held an empty hand up at him, the other clutching her latte. “That’s not the point. It was fucked up, yeah, and you should be sorry for what you did. But…” Ed let out a shaky breath preparing to offer her his very first apology, but Anne must have seen it coming in his expression and frowned at him. “I’m not mad that he fell in love with you instead of me. Neither of you chose that part of it. It took me a long time to realize that, but I got there eventually.”

He wanted to spew his regret all over her, but he didn’t think that was what either of them needed right now. “I don’t think I ever considered what you were going through,” he spoke slowly, selecting the words carefully as he watched the look on her face. “You seemed so okay with everything, I guess I—I just always assumed…once the initial shock wore off, it was mutual.”

“I know.” Anne nodded and took a sip from her cup, placing it down on the table in front of her when she was done. “In a way it was. There was no sense in me trying to hold on to something that was never really mine in the first place.”

Ed bit his lip, and pulled his coffee cup toward him, plucking absently at the plastic tab on the top. “How’d you do it for all that time?” Anne furrowed her brow at him like she didn’t understand what he was asking. “Being there,” he explained, “seeing us together, and feeling the way you did? I—” This time he swallowed around the large lump forming in his throat, drawing in a deep breath. “I’m not even there and I feel like someone’s cutting my chest open or…feeding me glass. Just knowing that—” He cut himself off when he heard the quiver of his voice and yanked the tab. It broke off in his hand and he stared down at it.

       “…you acted like it was all nothing.”

Ed dropped the tab on the table and focused back on Anne. Her face was pensive as she thought about how to answer a question that he had no right to be asking her. But he knew that she wouldn’t deny him, wouldn’t tell him he was wrong, or make him feel bad for wanting to know. Maybe he was taking advantage of her kindness. She had already done so much for him when he deserved none of it, but especially from her.

“At first, I think…” Anne paused, tapping her fingers along the side of her cup. “I think I told myself it was worth it to still have him in my life. It wasn’t what I wanted but, something was better than nothing.” She tipped her head down, looking at the table, and Ed watched her run her tongue along her teeth before she looked back up at him “In time though, I realized that I’d done it because it was the one thing, I could do to show him my love. You were what made him happy, and that’s what I wanted for him.”

That was all Ed had ever wanted for him as well, but instead of giving Stede the opportunity to find that happiness for himself, Ed had consistently tried to do it for him. If only he had been able to see Anne for who she was and taken a lesson from her, maybe things would have turned out differently for them. Maybe that was the point though, that he wasn’t meant to. Maybe he would have fucked things up even worse if he had known then what she was telling him now. Ed thought that maybe things had to happen exactly as they had so that he could be sitting here right now.

A tear slipped out of the corner of his eye, unwanted, and slid down the side of his face. “Shit, Anne,” he whispered, unsure that he could speak any louder without breaking down fully. “I think maybe you’re the best fucking person I’ve ever known.”

“Nah,” Anne laughed, “just smart.” Ed gave her his best attempt at a smile and swiped away the wetness from his face. Anne slid her foot forward and tapped Ed’s boot with her own under the table. “You’re a good person too, Ed,” she told him when he looked up at her. “You just got a little lost.”

Ed sucked in a breath and the truth fell out of his open mouth. “It’s been nearly ten years and it still feels like I just walked out that door.” His voice waivered with each voided sob and he looked over at her, face quivering under the pressure of trying to hold himself together. “All this time and…I still don’t know how to be without him.”

Anne’s smile was soft and kind, and for everything that he had done to her, for everything that she’d had to endure, it was the only way that Ed had ever known her. She reached out and took his hand tightly in hers. “So, it’s time to learn, then.”

Ed reached for his phone on the nightstand, the incessant notification sound blaring loudly from its speaker in the quiet of his room. He should have set it to music instead of the stupid fucking buzzer. He swiped at the screen furiously, vision blurry in the minimal light. Who the fuck was he kidding, his vision was blurry because his eyes were shit, not because it was early.

He reached blindly (no joke!) for the glasses he had dropped onto the table beside him as he climbed into bed the night before, hand landing on them after a moment's search. Ed pushed himself up on the pillows, sliding the glasses into place as he tapped the screen to life in his hand. The lock screen lit with a flurry of notifications and it took a second for Ed to understand why he had become so popular today.

Ed stared at the unopened text from Stede, unsure if he wanted to know what was on the other side. He knew that Stede had his number, obviously, but there was still something jarring about waking up to a text brandishing his name. It had taken him so much time, so much work, to purge the boy that he had known from his heart enough that he could move on with his life, it still made his stomach sink with the thought that this could be something in his life again.

He responded to the messages one by one, skipping over the one that he wanted to look at the most, but making himself resist the urge until he had finished answering all the others. Then he got out of bed, brushed his teeth, showered, shaved, made himself breakfast, ate it… until finally, he was standing at the end of his kitchen counter without another excuse. His finger hovered over the message expectantly as he willed himself to just open the goddamn message for fuck sake!

A heart.

A heart?!?!

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

Stede was waiting for him in the athletics building on the other side of campus, probably shirtless and sweaty from helping clean out storage lockers or putting away volleyball nets, or whatever the fuck it was people did when they volunteered to help with sports shit. And here he was, on his birthday, packing up the rest of his things for move-out instead of using the last 24 hours he had to bang Stede on every single possible surface on campus. It was absolutely insane.

They had taken their last finals yesterday and tonight was commencement for the graduating seniors, so most of the campus buildings would be empty, and it was a necessity that they took advantage of that. Because tomorrow Stede would take a taxi to the airport and Ed would climb into Billy’s truck, and they would drive in separate directions. And then Ed would be without him for three months. It was shit. And yeah, he saw the fucking irony there.

A year ago Ed had been tearing his fucking hair out at the idea of them being apart for an undetermined amount of time, not knowing when or even if they would see each other again. So much so, that he had said those words on the beach, let the fear of the unknown drive him off a goddamn cliff, and he had barely just survived it. This time around, Ed knew exactly what to expect. They had talked about what would happen when they left for the summer, and although it didn’t make it any easier, at least he knew. But what had been future Ed’s problem a few weeks ago, was now present Ed’s problem and present Ed was silently having a breakdown over a bag of Cheetos instead of fucking his pain away.

Not that it would have worked anyway. It wouldn’t have, because it wasn’t about the sex, no matter how good it was, it was about trying to cram as much intimacy and affection and love, into the short amount of time they had before Stede was ripped from his arms once more. Ed kept trying to put it out of his mind, reminding himself that it wasn’t the same as last summer, that they would both be back here in a few months. He kept telling himself that it was okay, nothing would change, that Stede loved him. No matter how long or how far they were apart, they had found something cosmic that tethered them together. Drops of Jupiter and starlight.

It would be fine.

They would be fine.

Ed would be fine.

“Three,” Izzy grumbled, tying a knot into a trash bag and tossing it toward the door.

Ed finished closing up a box labeled ‘books’ and looked over his shoulder at the miserable asshole. “What are you bitching about?”

Izzy looked up from folding a bunch of black T-shirts into a duffle bag. “It’s the number of times we’ve hung out since you ran into Bonnet.”

“Fuck off,” Ed said, pushing the box away and dropping onto the floor from his knees, pushing the few loose strands of hair that had escaped his bun out of his eyes. “It is not.” Izzy shot him a look. “C’mon, Iz, you’re full of shit.”

“I’m not. It’s been three fucking times.” He finished shoving a handful of clothes into his bag and zipped it up, spinning to face Ed on the floor. “And don’t think I forgot about how you bailed on our bet either.”

Ed pulled his knees up, resting his arms on them with a roll of his eyes. “We got caught, man. That put the whole thing out the window and you know it.”

“Fuck if it did,” Izzy countered, pulling a pack of Mavericks from his pocket and dropping down next to him on the floor. “You didn’t ask the prep shit—” He tapped out a cigarette, offering it to Ed when he starts to protest what Izzy’s saying. “And he sure as shit didn’t come clean to anyone. Even after the heiress walked in on him sucking you off—”

Ed shook out the match he’d just lit his cigarette with and dropped it in an empty Mountain Dew can. “That’s not what happened.”

Izzy took a drag of his own cigarette, holding a hand up to wave off Ed’s argument. “Doesn’t fucking matter what happened. You didn’t ask and he didn’t tell. Therefore you lost the goddamn bet.” A beat of silence passed and Ed chewed his lip in thought. “Who the fuck catches their boyfriend fucking his best friend and reacts that way though?” Izzy mumbled contemplatively, scuffing a boot along the floor as he took a long drag of his cigarette.

Who, indeed? The whole thing had been…weird. From Anne’s emotionless reaction to her willingness to keep pretending after. Rich people were fucking off their goddamn heads.

Whatever her reasons, it didn’t concern him anyway. She was helping them and that’s all that mattered. Stede was safe. But Izzy did have a point, he hadn’t fulfilled the terms of their bet.

“Hey,” Ed said, flicking his ashes into the top of the can. Izzy looked over at him, head still bowed in thought. “What if—” Ed sniffed as he thought through what he was about to say and took a drag, snuffing out the rest of the cigarette on the can top and squinting over at his roommate with one eye so the smoke didn’t get in it. “What if—” he stopped again, running his tongue over his lips to wet them.

Izzy’s eyes flicked down to follow the motion so quickly Ed wasn’t sure it even happened. “What if, what, Teach? Spit it out already.”

He shook off the strange thought and turned his body so he was fully facing Izzy. Maybe it was a shit idea, but fuck it. Stede would be out of reach all summer and he was going to need something to keep his mind off it.

“What if you came home with me for the summer?”

Izzy narrowed his eyes at him. “And listen to you cry over the prep for three months? Pass.”

Ed punched him in the arm. “I’m serious, Iz. I can make good on the bet, we’ll have a whole three months uninterrupted to hang, and I can show you what country life is like.” Izzy dropped his butt into the can with a grunt but Ed could see the wheels turning in his head, a barely there smile breaking at the edges of his mouth. “C’mon, man. I need you there with me.”

Izzy flicked his eyes over at Ed who batted his lashes at him for full effect. Always worked on Stede so…

“Fine,” he growled, trying not to sound happy. “But no more with the lashes, you shameless fucking flirt.”

“Fuck, yes, Iz!” Ed grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him. “I could kiss you. “

“Don’t!” Izzy pushed his face away. “I know where your mouth has been.”

Ed fell back with a laugh, kicking at Izzy’s boot. “Fucking, dick.”

Izzy stood, extending a hand to Ed. “Let's finish packing then.”

Ed grabbed his hand and let himself be pulled up so they were eye level. “It’ll be fun. Promise.”

“Don’t wanna hear about the twat at all.” Izzy set a look at him, dropping his hand.

“’Course, yeah.” Ed pushed his loose strands behind his ear again with a nod. “Scout’s honor.”

Izzy turned away, returning to his packing. “Ain’t no kinda scout I’ve ever met.”

Ed was about to retort with something witty when an ICQ message chimed on his computer.

Everything was gonna be fine.

The paths were illuminated by the soft glow of lamp light as Ed made his way from the dorms toward the athletics building. He wasn’t going to make the same mistakes as last time. This time he would come clean to Stede immediately about Izzy coming with him for the summer. Explain the situation, how it’s going to help him get through not having Stede there, and in three months they would be back here, and everything would go back to normal. No secrets. Open communication. He had this.

He shot a quick text off to Stede when he got closer, asking for a little more instruction on where he should go when he arrived, but hadn’t gotten anything back by the time he was double stepping up the stairs to the main entrance.

The interior lights were off, only the neon glow of the exit signs reflecting off the glass gave a little bit of light for him to see inside. Ed pulled at the doors, only to hear the clinking of the engaged lock. Maybe Button’s had forgotten to leave it unlocked for them? He pressed his face to the window trying to catch sight of the old man or Stede waiting for him on the other side, but the space was devoid of anyone.

“Fuck,” he mumbled, pulling his phone from his pocket again to check it. No messages. “What the fuck, Star?”

Some fucking birthday this was turning out to be.

It was almost 9:00 and Ed was hit with the anxiety of knowing that the night was slipping away from him. Twelve hours wasn’t enough time. A day, a week, a year wouldn’t be enough time to ease the growing panic in his chest.

He punched out another message on his phone and considered trying to call instead when he heard what sounded like a guitar coming from around the back of the building and shoved the phone back into his pocket to follow the sound.

He didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed it before, the music and soft lights emanating from the dark football field, a single shadow moving around in the gentle flickering of candlelight.

The fuck was the maniac up to now?

The gate to the field is unlocked and Ed slid through, taking a quick glance around to make sure nobody was around to cause them any grief before he pushed it closed quietly behind him and turned to head across the turf stopping dead in his tracks the moment he did. He felt the pressure of his breath catching, a spark flickering to life in his chest at the sight of what Stede had been up to all day.

The Game of Love, Santana, 2002

In the distance, against a backdrop of stadium bleachers and stars, was a tent overflowing with blankets and pillows, draped in white Christmas lights and lit from the inside by an electric camping lantern. Out front Stede had laid out a blanket the color of the beach. A few scattered pillows surrounded a pizza box set in the middle, paper plates beside it with a bottle of Rootbeer, and more candles that Ed had ever seen in his life in a half circle around it. It was cheesy and romantic, and very much a Stede thing to do, and Ed could have cried knowing that it was all for him.

Stede was on his knees with his back to him attempting, unsuccessfully, to light another candle with a grill lighter. Santana poured out of a boombox a few feet away, an orange extension cord that Ed assumed Buttons had supplied, running across the stadium. Ed didn’t realize how quickly he had picked up pace until Stede stood abruptly to turn toward him— sand and waves and eyes the color of the Atlantic— looking every bit as surprised as Ed felt when he came through that gate.

“Oh—”   

Ed didn’t even give him the chance to speak as he approached, yanking Stede in by the collar of his polo, a small, startled gasp escaping from him as Ed claimed his lips in a kiss that held every ounce of his admiration and astonishment and fear.

God, he loved him. He loved him so fucking much that it ached all the way down to his cells.

“Happy birthday, Moon,” Stede breathed with a smile against his lips, sounding every bit the smug asshole that he was. And Ed loved him for that too.

“What the fuck, you absolute fucking lunatic?” He could hear the wobble in his voice; feel the growing lump at the back of his throat.

Stede smiled at him, so fucking bright and so fucking beautiful, and so goddamn proud of himself that Ed nearly melted just looking at him. Fuck, what was he going to do without him for three whole months? He could barely stand the thought of letting him step an inch away right now.

“Do you like it?” Stede asked, knowing full well that Ed was barely standing.

“You know I fucking do. It’s fucking brilliant,” Ed said, kissing him again for good measure, just to make sure that he knew. “Insane. But brilliant. I love it! What the hell were you thinking?”

Stede huffed a laugh, pulling back enough to throw a quick glance over his shoulder at the setup. “I was thinking…” he turned back to Ed with a smirk, “where haven’t we fucked on campus.”

Ed looked over at the tent and back to Stede. “You are completely out of your mind.” Stede’s smile faltered minutely, and Ed grabbed his face, tilting it toward him. “I love you so fucking much.”

Stede tasted like Starburst and Strawberry Fruitopia when he kissed him, and Ed didn’t think he had ever smiled so hard in life.

Chapter Text

There were few things that made him wish for a swift death like waking up with a hangover but waking up with a hangover in a strange place, next to a random stranger, and not knowing where his clothes were really put the cherry on top of his massively bad decisions.

Ed inched along the edge of the sheetless bed, arm dangling in blindness along the floor to try and find a single article of clothing that he could throw on to get the fuck out of…wherever the hell he was. He could barely remember the previous night, much less how he ended up here with— he glanced over his shoulder— not one, but two, people he didn’t remember ever seeing before this morning. Goddamn it, he really needed to stop partying so hard! Fucking Kandie and her bright ideas.

His fingers run over a piece of fabric and Ed snatches it up from the floor, artfully sliding himself from beneath an arm to climb out of the bed. If this was the first, or really even the second time that something like this had happened, he might not feel like as big of a piece of shit as he does right now. Aside from the pounding headache and terrible taste in his mouth, of course. But it’s not. This is probably the sixth—ish time he’s woken up in similar circumstances in the last few weeks, and at this point, he thinks that maybe it’s time he starts looking harder at why this keeps happening.

He finds the rest of his clothes fairly quickly, throwing them on as quietly as he can and digging around in his jean pockets for his keys and cell phone. The screen on the front of his Razor reads 11:48 a.m. and he flips the shell open, scrolling through the 32 missed calls from the last twelve hours that he had obviously ignored for reasons he didn’t even want to think about right now. He was supposed to be back fucking hours ago so that Seth and Ryan had the car to use for work.

Fuck! He was so fucking screwed this time.

He was only going to be able to come up with so many excuses before Seth got fed up and kicked him out of the apartment for good. He guessed he could just go back to Kandie’s, last night was her idea after all if he really had to, but did he really want to?

The phone buzzed silently in his hand as he made his way quietly out of the four rundown walls that was posing as a residence and located the Cavalier along the curb a few houses down. It’s a goddamn miracle the car was here at all honestly, the state he was in last night. But it was, so that was a single thing in his favor right now. He clicked the fob, unlocked the car, and dropped into the driver’s seat, flipping the phone open again to see how fucked he was.

Well, at least he wasn’t homeless. Or broken up with, which in turn would have made him homeless. And if he showed up with the wafers at least he would be forgiven.

Ed clicked the phone closed, tossing it to the passenger side, and turned the engine over, scrubbing a hand over his face. The anxiety so far had kept him from thinking about it, but the thought of meeting up with Beck made his skin crawl and stomach tighten. He probably only had another hour or so before the withdrawal kicked in for him too, and with it all of the emotional baggage that the drugs helped to keep at bay.

7 months, 2 weeks, 1 day, 13 hours, 8 minutes

There was no clock on the wall to keep the time, ticking down the minutes for him. This was the bed, and he would be lying in it for the rest of his life. He’d have to count the seconds since he made that choice all on his own.

Ed shook off the sentiment, feeling the grief start to sink its claws into him. Regret wouldn’t change what he had done, remorse wouldn’t bring Stede back. Wherever he was, he was better off without the husk of a man Ed had become. There was no going back. The only thing that he could do now was keep the monster from dragging him down into the depths with it.

Numb.

If he couldn’t feel the pain, did it even really exist?

“Happy birthday, Moon,” he whispered to the interior of the car, letting himself have one last moment before he put it all out of his mind and headed toward Beck’s to make some more bad decisions.

“Happy birthday day to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday day dear Edward—”

“—asshole—” Anne sang over Marie who tossed her a look of disapproval that Anne only grinned harder at.

“Happy birthday to YOU!!!”

Ed leaned forward with a laugh and blew out the candles on his cake, Marie clapping as Anne whooped loudly.

“Okay, alright,” Ed waved a hand around as the lights were flipped back on. “That’s enough. You’ve sufficiently proved your point now.”

“And I was right, wasn’t I?” Anne said, dropping into the chair beside him as Marie started cutting the cake.

Ed nodded, chuckling at the silliness of it all. “As usual.”

“As fucking usual,” Anne agreed with a hard slap to his back.

“Language!” Marie scolded, handing a plate to Ed while she pointed the knife in the other hand at her girlfriend.

Anne rolled her eyes with an affectionate smirk, otherwise ignoring the statement. “So how’s it feel to be older than me and not nearly as good-looking?”

Ed smiled around a bite of his cake. “I’m way prettier, what’re you talking about?”

Marie handed a plate to Anne, who took it with a nod before turning back to Ed. “Ha! Maybe if you shaved and got a haircut you’d have half a chance.”

Ed swallowed, dropping his eyes to push the cake around his plate aimlessly and the cheerful joy from moments before was gone instantly. Anne and Marie exchanged a look that wasn’t lost on Ed. Pity. Worry. He could feel Anne slide into professional mode.

A heavy silence grew in the space, the safety of their home stripped away, and he felt the instinct to run.

“We talked about the rituals, Ed. It’s not—”

“I know,” he cut her off coldly, his fight or flight kicking in under what felt like an attack. “I’m not stupid.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Didn’t have to.” Ed grabbed a napkin and wiped his face, tossing it on top of the rest of his cake, and pushed out from the table. “I know it’s over. Couldn’t fix it if I wanted to. But I’m not ready to let go of all of it yet. I think I should go.”

“If that’s what you want,” was all Anne said as he marched through the kitchen in search of his jacket.

From the living room, he could hear the whispered conversation pass between them.

“You’re not hard enough on him.”

“He doesn’t need tough love, Marie. He just needs love.”

“You’re not helping him by giving in to him all the time, Anne. He doesn’t need a mother. He needs honesty.”

“He needs compassion!”

“I don’t understand why you feel like it’s your responsibility to—”

“Because I promised!”

A chair pushed back from the table abruptly and the conversation ceased.

Ed pulled on his jacket quickly and made for the door, trying to get out before Anne could catch him eavesdropping. He made it to the threshold.

“Ed, wait. Please.” He stopped and turned, even though his need to get out of there was growing greater by the minute. Anne stopped a few feet away. “I’m sorry.”

“Promised who?” The words came out before he could think better of it. Anne narrowed her eyes at him. “Who did you promise to do all this for?”

Anne shifted, indecision passing over her face. “I don’t think—”

The frames on the wall shook as he slammed the door shut and rounded in her fully. “This is my fucking life, Anne. I deserve to know.”

His heart beat like a drum in his chest. Who else could it be? But he needed to hear her say it.

“Stede,” she said simply, shoving her hands into her back pockets, not backing down at all as he stepped toward her.

6 years, 6 months, 5 days, 3 hours, 27 minutes

“Are you telling me you’ve talked to him and you didn’t—”

“Not since you came in that day two years ago. I called him—” Ed threw up his hands with a disbelieving laugh. “I thought he needed to know you were alive. The things we’d heard over the years...” Anne ran her tongue along her teeth and looked around the room. “And honestly Ed, when you walked through that door, I had every intention of turning you right back around.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You know why.”

Ed swallowed over the harsh lump in his throat, willing back the tears. “All this time—” he choked out, the words cracking at the end. He took a breath and tried again. “All this time you knew where he was and you didn’t tell me?”

“Ed, please—” Her face broke, tears swelling.

“You knew all I wanted—” He heard himself getting louder with each word, the pain shifting to anger, and he stepped into her space.

“And he didn’t!”

Ed recoiled from the words and Anne deflated, reaching for him, but he batted her hands away.

“He asked me to take care of you, but not to tell you anything. I tried to call him once more after that but he’d changed all of his numbers, went offline completely.”

It burned, sharp and molten, like a knife being pulled out and pushed back in slowly. But it wasn’t like he hadn’t known. Stede had moved on a long time ago and Ed had promised to let him have that happiness.

“I need to go.” He rushed for the door, throwing it open before he fell apart in front of Anne.

“I did it because he loved you, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn to love you myself, Ed.” Salt in the wound. He kept going. “Don’t do something stupid,” she called after him but didn’t follow. She knew it would do no good.

“Happy fucking birthday, Moon.”

Numb.

Twenty years of guilt. A decade of grief. And just like that, with five little words on a screen, Stede had pulled out the blade and stopped the bleeding. It was hard to accept, the hope that came in such an easy statement. Maybe they would never be what they were but there was still the possibility that they could be something, anything to each other again.

Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Stede was a ghost that he had tried to exorcise countless times, a reminder of the things that Ed had walked away from, of a future that never came to pass and a past that he needed to leave behind.

Some people were better left ghosts.

Ed’s heart kicked— muscle memory— pounding out a rhythm he had never forgotten, singing a melody he knew he never would.

Some melodies best forgotten.

Stede had not left the ghost of him to fade away to nothingness. Maybe he hadn’t forgotten the melody of them either.

Chapter Text

Babyboy by Beyonce, 2003

**BONUS PHOTOS**

[Cecil County Drag Strip in the 2000s]

[Photo of the Cecil County Fair located in Fairhill, MD]

[Photo of the Tractor Pull at the Cecil County Fair]

[Photo of the Demolition Derby at the Cecil County Fair]

Chapter Text

Fuck him.

Fuck Stede Bonnet.

Fuck sand and waves and summer.

Fuck the songs they sang together.

Fuck the coffee shop and the football stadium.

Fuck Poe and the library and books.

Fuck popcorn and movie nights.

Fuck the moon and stars.

Fuck Stede Bonnet.

Fuck LOVE!

Fuck it all for real, Ed didn’t want it. He didn’t want it and he didn’t need it, and he didn’t need him. Not anymore. Not ever again.

The sky didn’t dream of shit anymore.

And Ed sure as fuck wasn’t the moon. If anything, he was an eclipse. The sun was overrated.

Izzy pulled the last bad from the trunk of the Pontiac and slammed it closed. “We're gonna miss check-in if you don’t hurry the fuck up!”

Ed stepped out of the car, shrugging the strap of his messenger bag over his head. “They lace?”

“The fuck you talking about?” Izzy sneered at him, as Ed made his way to the back of the car.

“The panties you got all in a twist,” he pointed at Izzy’s pants. “They lace?”

“Oh, fuck off!” Izzy growled grabbing for his bag.

Ed laughed, reaching out to hook a finger through Izzy’s belt loop and pull him back. “Let me see.”

“Get the fuck off me,” Izzy swatted at him, but Ed could hear the laugh in his voice.

“C’mon, Iz. Show me your panties,” Ed teased as they began to scuffle, and Izzy broke into a string of curses trying to break free from Ed’s grip on him.

“Ahem,” someone cleared their throat a few feet away and Ed looked up, still giggling. “Ed,” they nodded at him, tone cool and unimpressed.

The fuck was this now?

Ed let go of Izzy, schooling his face back to something more fitting for what he knew was about to happen, and righting his rumpled clothing. Beside him Izzy did the same, his gaze turning to fire.

“Anne,” Ed said sharply, leaning back against the Sunbird, Izzy at his side. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Anne gave them both a once over, eyes flickering between them with a critical gaze. Where the fuck did she get off trying to place judgment on them?

Ed leaned further into Izzy’s space, watching the way Anne’s expression shifted.

She met Ed’s eyes, icy cold, and he smirked at her. “Have you seen Stede?”

“Nah,” Ed shrugged. “Don’t care to either.”

Anne’s jaw clenched as she looked between the two of them again like she was putting together a puzzle. Good! She can pass the info along.

“Have you by any chance checked your email all summer?” Anne asked, voice hard.

“Was a little busy.” He threw a look in Izzy’s direction, crossing his arms over his chest.  “Wasn’t much time or need.”

“Yeah, well… might want to do that before you run into him on campus,” Anne warned, and there was something so distinctly pained in her voice that it almost broke Ed’s façade.

Why would Stede be emailing him? He had a phone and hadn’t tried to call once. Not a single text all summer. He had the address to. Christ, he’d been sending shit and then all of the sudden…nothing. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that email was the last place Ed would be looking for a message from him. Stede knew. So, if that’s the place he’d chosen to send the fuck you to Ed, it was done because he didn’t want to face what he’d done in real-time.

He snorted, trying to keep the same air of unbothered that he’d started the conversation with but it was obvious even to himself that it was getting to him.

Fuck him.

Fuck Stede Bonnet.

“Thanks for the tip,” Ed threw at her sarcastically, forcing a tight laugh.

Anne smiled thinly at him, nodding her head as she stepped in and lowered her voice. “I get it. You’re a fucking cool guy. All dark and unaffected,” she waved a hand at his black clothing, “how very goth of you. I hope when you do see him though, you have the good sense to drop this smug asshole act.” She ground her teeth together. “For both your sake.”

Ed was going to retort, it was right on the tip of his tongue— he deserved to be a smug asshole and Stede didn’t deserve anything less than his fucking worst— but Anne turned on her heels and stamped away, giving Izzy one last acid look as she went.

“Fucking bitch,” Izzy spit watching after her. “Who the fuck does she think she is?” He turned to Ed. “Twats got a lot of nerve sending her to do his dirty work.”

Ed swallowed down the feelings that were trying to push up to the surface. Fuck him. “Yeah, I don’t know, man. Just—” Ed pushed off the car and gestured toward the direction of the dorms. “—ignore her. Let’s get checked in. I need a bump if I’m going to make it through the rest of the day.”

Numb.

Ed didn’t need him, and he certainly didn’t need Anne fucking Bonny telling him anything like she had some kind of right. Like she had any kind of idea what he had been going through this summer, not that it mattered now anyway. Because he was done with letting his heart be jerked around and torn apart. He was finished with Stede Bonnet, and there wasn’t anything that was going to change his mind.

~*~

[Later that night at Xi Kappa Nu]

The thing about snorting cocaine was that it had to reach the soft pallet to get to the bloodstream fastest. Which meant two things happened:

1. You were going to taste the diesel fuel used to make it
2. It was going to start to clump and get stuck

The first part was the worst to begin, but after several lines, his throat was as sufficiently numb as his feelings and even if he could taste it he didn’t fucking care. The second part was an advantage, in his opinion. Cocaine wore off so quickly that it was actually beneficial not to have to make another trip to the bathroom so soon. Just a quick sniff and he could prolong having to disappear for at least another 15 minutes.

The high hit quickly and hard, and for that short period of euphoria Ed felt godlike. It was like the drugs unlocked some secret part of him that didn’t have time for fear or overanalyzing but was confident and brave. He was untouchable. Even his own dark thoughts couldn’t beat past the wall to get at him.

“Take a breather, Ed,” Izzy raised his voice over the drone of Chingy coming from the speakers in the other room. “You’re going to be hurting tomorrow if you don’t slow down.”

Ed straightened up, dollar bill in one hand the thumb of the other pressed to his nose as he took in his reflection in the mirror.

“I’m good, man,” he sniffed at Izzy over his shoulder in the mirror and watched as his roommate nodded in concession. He’d stopped listening to Izzy hours ago.

Ed sniffed again, rubbing at his face as his eyes wandered the bathroom. Last time he’d been in here Stede had been on his knees for him. If he wasn’t high as fuck right now that might have actually bothered him. As it were, the thought struck him as funny.

He supposed the whole idea of doing lines in a place Stede had sucked him off had struck him as a great big fuck you to the blonde, which is why they were at the frat party in the first place. It gave him an extra shock of pleasure to think he could run into Stede here, numb and cold, Izzy at his side.

He'd ran through exactly what he’d do if he did spot Stede around. Ed would show him what he was missing, prove he was unaffected, had moved on. He didn’t need Stede. As a matter of fact, he could have anyone, it didn’t have to be Iz.

Stede seeing him with Izzy would probably be a pretty decent dig though. If he really wanted to go for the kill, Mary would be the best option, but he wasn’t sure where she stood in all of this, or even where she was for that matter. There was one other option though. An option that Ed wasn’t necessarily inclined to pursue, but one that would pack a damn good punch. Fuck, Ed could taste the jealousy that would seep off him just thinking about it.

“Edward!” Izzy patted him on the back and he realized he had been in a trance, just staring at himself in the mirror. Ed met his eyes with a grin. “C’mon let’s go before someone breaks down the door.”

Ed had let his hair grow out because he liked the way Stede ran his fingers through it when they lay together reading, how he would twist the springy curls around a finger absently as they kissed, the way his scalp burned when Stede pulled at the strands when they…Stop.

He wasn’t thinking about Stede. Fuck Stede Bonnet.

He could have cut it back, gone back to the shorter style he’d worn before him, but then how would he have replaced all those memories with something new?

What Ed was finding tonight, in his unrestricted and charismatic state, was that he highly enjoyed the way his long hair attracted attention. Granted, it was mostly from half lit girls who kept calling him things like ‘hon’ and ‘sugar’, but fuck it, he wasn’t picky. He liked the way they fawned over him, wanted to touch him, whispered scandalous things into his ear. It made him feel wanted in a way that filled up his overeager ego.

The party wasn’t as big as Halloween last year, but still, people spilled out of the house and onto the porch and lawn. Ed had made himself his own little VIP area at one end of the massive porch where there was a couch and some dirty glass-topped tables. Izzy stood guard, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the siding next to the bay window, eyes following each person that approached to make conversation with the new king of the party.

There were already a few people hanging around, lingering in the area in case Ed got any ideas to take off without them. A blonde in a cheetah print mini skirt that had attached herself to Ed’s side and a brunette with butterfly clips in her hair sandwiched Ed in on the tiny outdoor sofa, and a few guys that he recognized from last year leaning against the railing with drinks in hand. They were all fine. The usual kind of crowd for a party like this. There was nothing unique or special about any of them, but Ed didn’t need there to be. They were here, looking at him, laughing with him. And that was more than he could say for Stede.

To this disappointment of his cocaine-fueled revenge plan, Ed hadn’t seen or heard a whisper of Stede all night. He kept telling himself that it was all for the better if they didn’t see each other at all. He needed to get the blonde out of his system, forget that he had existed at all, and the more he thought about him the harder that was going to be. The drugs helped to push him through for now, but it wasn’t a habit that he could afford to sustain for too much longer. Not just because of the money either. Ed wasn’t going to fuck up his future just because he’d had his heartbroken. He was going to fix his heart, graduate with his degree, and move on with his life, just like he had always intended. This was just a temporary fix until he could figure out what would do the job right.

Cheetah print laughed loudly, draping herself over Ed’s lap, giggling over some stupid joke that Ed just told, causing him to jump back, arms in the arm so that he didn’t spill his drink all over her. Not that he really cared. Who was she? Nobody that he would remember in the morning.

Ed tapped another cigarette from his pack, perching it between his lips as he struck his lighter repeatedly, laughing with the gaggle of people he had managed to gather around him.

“Fuck,” he huffed a laugh, pulling the cigarette from his mouth and pushing the zealous undergrad from his lap. “Need to find a light, darlin’,” he told her as he started to push himself up off the couch but stopped when a flame jumped to life in front of his face.

Ed flopped back down with a grin, bringing the cigarette back to his lips as he dragged his eyes up and over the flame producer.

“Teach.”

Ed leaned forward until the tip of his cigarette hit the flame, puffing a few times to ensure it was lit before he took a long drag and pulled it away again, throwing his arm over the back of the couch.

“Rackham,” Ed nodded in thanks, an old poison swirling up from the pit of his stomach at the sight of him.

Jack flipped the Zippo closed with a flourish and stuffed it back into his pocket. “Here alone?”

Ed took another drag and smiled up at the frat boy. “Doesn’t seem like I’m alone,” Ed flicked his eyes around at his entourage before bringing them back to Jack’s face.

“Haven’t seen Stede around,” Jack shrugged. “Usually that’s ‘cause he’s attached to your ass.” Ed flinched at the joke and Jack grinned proudly. “Sorry,” he mocked, “didn’t mean to hit a sore spot.”

“Don’t know, man.” Ed leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and flicked his ashes toward Jack’s feet. “Guess he found new friends.”

Jack looked down at the black ashes on his white Nikes. “So did you it seems,” he pointed at the girls flanking Ed’s sides and smirked like he was making another joke.

Ed brought the cigarette up and took another deep pull, the nicotine rushing in his veins as he tried to assess what Jack was getting at here. He shrugged. “What’s it to you, Rackham?”

Jack gave another scan of the area, eyes coming to rest back on Ed, the edges of his mouth turned up. Jack’s gaze rolled over him, head cocked as his tongue flicked out to wet his lips, and Ed understood.

“Want another?”

Right Thurr, Chingy, 2003

~*~

Generally closed doors were that way as to deter others from entering them.

Ed should have known better.

He should have cared more.

He didn’t.

Ed didn’t care about the glare that Izzy gave him as he followed Jack into the house.

He didn’t care whose room it was that Jack had led him to, or if he had locked the door behind them.

He didn’t care that Jack tasted like stale cigarettes and Pabst Blue Ribbon, or that his only intention was to see how quickly he could get Ed undressed.

He didn’t care if the only thing he could feel was rough, uncaring hands and a sinking feeling that made him want to vomit.

Ed didn’t care what would happen on the other side of the encounter or if Jack would even look at him again.

He didn’t care about Jack.

What he cared about was making the pain go away.

The taste of diesel fuel and shame hit the back of his throat and his stomach rolled. He choked back a sob laced with the white powder and threw his head back, eyes squeezed shut, and waited. He just needed to be numb, to not feel anything.

He didn’t want to be in love anymore.

He wanted to be numb. Mind, body, and soul.

Ed opened his eyes and focused on the ceiling. It was covered in glowing yellow stars—Bright and beautiful and warm, just like— Fuck.

No.

His heart slammed into his ribs.

Jack cut out a line on the edge of the night table, leaning over to take it with an arch of his back before extending the straw out to Ed.

There was a lump forming at the back of his throat and his eyes stung with the threat of tears.

“You okay, baby”

A single tear fell.

It wasn’t working fast enough.

“Yeah,” Ed said, brushing away the traitorous tear as he reached for the straw. "I’m fine.”

Jack sniffed, rubbing his nose, and stood from the bed so that Ed could slide over to reach the cocaine, already moving to remove his shirt.

See, he told himself, he didn’t need Stede. He was going to get fucked up and then fuck. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, right?

It was exactly what he needed. It would help.

Ed leaned forward, a finger to his nose, and sniffed, dropping the bill on the night table.

It would help.

His eyes rolled back, head lulling onto his shoulder as the rush hit him, colors flashing behind his eyelids.

He swallowed. No more lump. No more tears.

Numb.

The bed dipped next to him, a warm hand running up the inside of his thigh and he let his hips lift to the contact, seeking friction.

This would help.

His hands found Jack’s waist, maneuvering him into his lap until their hips were pressed flush together.

Then there were lips and tongues and teeth. Kissing, licking, biting. And it was wrong, but he didn’t care. He opened to it all, welcoming it in, letting the heat coil within him.

Ed drug a hand into Jack’s hair— petting, feeling, pretending—curling a fist into the strands and yanking. Jack chuckled darkly in his lap and then there were teeth at his neck, biting gently before soothing over the area with his tongue. A distraction. Ed gasped with the sensation.

Numb.

Another, harder bite and Ed yanked him back with a growl, pulling the teeth from his skin to slam their mouths together.

An achingly slow grind of hips against his. Quickening breaths.

Ed forced himself to focus on the feeling of them rocking together, both hard and moaning with each roll of their hips. It wasn’t enough. He needed more. Needed it all. Needed to be numb.

He pushed Jack away roughly, reaching with panicked hands to get his clothes out of the way as quickly as possible.

“Turn off the lights,” he said, feeling far more exposed than he wanted to under the glow of the ceiling fan.

Jack obliged with a sniff and a groan, and when Ed felt the bed shift again, he reached out to draw Jack back to him with a hand to the back of his head. Focus.

Ed reminded himself that he didn’t care if Jack’s kiss was messy and hurried. This was about forgetting, pretending, distracting. He tightened the fist in Jack’s hair, pulling them apart, and he felt the rumble of Jack’s laugh against his bare skin as he dragged the other man downward.

“Eager?” Jack’s voice was like nails on a chalkboard.

Ed ignored the question, pushing until the frat boy settled between his knees.

His hands were too fast, too rough. Forget. Ed reached out to slow him but it was too late, a too-tight grip closing around his cock before he could stop it. He wanted to say ‘Go slow’ but his mouth betrayed him with a panting moan.

“Fuck,” he hissed between clenched teeth.

And really— fuck!

It was all wrong but that was the point, wasn’t it? It wasn’t supposed to be right…be the same. It was supposed to numb him, make him forget.

It wasn’t working. He needed more.

He wrapped his fingers around the back of Jack’s neck, urging him forward, and was rewarded immediately for his trouble— soft, full lips grazing and sucking and— wrong.

“Christ—” he sucked in a breath.

He should have been saying please and more and baby. He should’ve had a name on his lips to cry out in pleasure. But that would’ve been right, and he didn’t need right. He needed a distraction.

And he got exactly that when Jack swallowed him down completely, ripping a moan from his chest. “Holy shit—fuck—that’s…fuck.”

Jack hummed with agreement and Ed felt it vibrate through his whole body. It was good. Wrong, but in exactly the way he needed it to be because—

Fuck, it was all so wonderfully fucking distracting. 

Jack pulled off, fingers digging momentarily into the flesh of Ed’s thighs. “You like that—"

“Don’t fucking talk,” Ed growled, annoyed and breathless, pushing Jack back to his lap.

It was fitting that it was Jack, really. That he was the one that Ed had chosen to ruin him. The fear that he’d once had, the worry that Jack was going to take something precious from him, realized in a new way. There was nothing left now for him to lose.

Sufficiently distracted.

He wasn’t thinking about taffy and Ferris Wheels and soft kisses on the beach. He wasn’t imagining blonde curls threading between his fingers, or skin like starlight brushing against his thigh. He wasn’t imagining that if he opened his eyes, it would be ocean waves staring back at him, glistening mischief in the moonlight.

Ed was letting himself be carried away by the pleasure so that he could forget the pain.

And it was working.

Numb.

It was working right up until the door slammed open, light from the hallway cascading into the room to illuminate them like a spotlight in the darkness.

“Jesus Christ, Jack! How many times do I have to tell you—”

Ed’s breath caught in his chest at the voice, and he turned toward the shadow of the figure in the doorway.

This was what he had wanted, wasn’t it? Wasn’t this the exact revenge that he had been imagining just a few hours ago? To be able to watch the pain spread across Stede’s beautiful face and know that he wasn’t the only one suffering. Wasn’t he supposed to feel pleased by the heartbreak; to be freed of the months-long agony that he had been tortured with not knowing?

“Ed?”

And yet, anything else would have been less devastating to his heart than the sound of Stede’s voice whispering his name across the threshold of that room.

Ed couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. He couldn’t do anything but lay there with Jack fucking Rackham’s mouth on him and stare at Stede’s broken expression across the distance.

“What the fuck, Bonnet?” Jack yelled, pulling off of Ed with an offensive sound. “Shut the fucking door!”

Stede hesitated for only a moment more, gaze fixed on Ed’s face, before whispering, “I’m sorry,” and pulling the door shut as he disappeared back into the hall.

“Fucking perv,” Jack croaked, looping an arm under Ed’s knee to pull him in closer.

The world came crashing back with a crushing force, the last minute catching up to him suddenly, and Ed jerked away, kicking Jack back with a foot to his chest.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Jack spat as he rocked back of the bed and Ed jumped up searching for his clothes. “Thought you didn’t care about Bonnet anymore?”

Ed ignored him.

“Come on, Teach,” Jack reached for his arm and Ed slapped it away, dipping down to pull his pants back on. “This ain’t because it’s his room, is it?”

Ed whirled around to face him. “This is Stede’s room?” He cast a look around at their surroundings— antique furniture, a bookshelf lined with books, soccer cleats in the corner. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!! “You’re fucked up, Jack.”

Jack snorted, reaching down to pick up his shirt from the floor. “I’m fucked up? What about you? 30 minutes ago you couldn’t wait to fuck me just so you could throw it in his face.”

“Fuck you,” Ed spit, pulling his shirt over his head and grabbing up his boots. He needed to get out of there and find Stede.

“Too late, baby,” Jack laughed, lounging back onto the bed with a hand behind his head. “Tell Stedey boy I said hi, won’t ya?”

~*~

Ed’s head spun, the blood rushing in his ears with each thudding beat of his heart.

Muscle memory. The heart does not forget.

He wasn’t supposed to care.

His nose burned with the residual drugs and tears threatening to spill, and he couldn’t stop himself from trying to sniff them back. The taste ran down his throat, cocaine and cigarettes and beer, and his stomach heaved.

Ed grabbed the banister— cool wood beneath his fingers— to try and steady himself as he took the stairs quickly down toward the foyer. The music vibrated through him, pressing down on his chest, making it hard for him to breathe. He rounded the corner toward the dining room, vision blurring, shifting in a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors.

Too many people. A sea of college students melding together, a solid wall.

Ed looked around frantically but nothing made sense. He didn’t make sense.

Sweat beaded on his forehead, dripping into his eyes, stinging them, blinding him further, and he reached up to swipe at his eyes. Another sniff. He gagged.

“You good, bro?” The voice came with a hand to his shoulder, but it was distorted, far away, like he was underwater.

Drowning.

He was drowning.

Ed tried to draw a breath but it stuck in his chest, the edges of his vision turning black and fuzzy around the edges.

If this was how he died, it was what he deserved.

He felt himself being pulled under.

Down.

Down.

Into the cold, merciful depths.

“Ed—”

No more pain.

Not for him. Not for him.

This would end it all.

“Edward? Goddamn it, Ed! Give him some fucking room!”

Hands on his face.

Warm.

So fucking warm.

“Can you hear me, Ed?”

A ghost. A phantom calling to him through the inky waters.

He opened his mouth but water rushed in, filling his lungs. He nodded instead.

“Okay. What about this? Can you feel my hands?”

Soft fingers stroked across his face. He nodded.

“Good. Good. Now breathe for me. In…2, 3. Out…3, 2, 1.”

Ed sucked in a breath. It was ragged and tight, but he felt the air fill him.

“Again.”

He felt his pulse slow, his heart returning to something recognizable with each new breath. Muscle memory.

“That’s it. Slowly. You’re doing perfectly, Moon.”

“Star?” The voice was his own, whispered and jagged— broken edges, swallowed glass.

Stede’s hands slid down around his neck, thumbs stroking small circles. “I’m here. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Ed sucked in another breath, the dark clouds lifting from his sight and—

There he was.

“Star,” he gasped, reaching up to cover Stede’s hands with his own.

“Yeah,” Stede swallowed, “it’s me.” His voice was soft, gentle, but his eyes didn’t match, a stormy ocean raging behind them.

He did that. That was because of him.

Ed wrapped his fingers around Stede’s hand, leaning into the touch. “Star, I—”

“Not here,” Izzy murmured, crouching at his side to slide a hand under his arm and Stede’s hands dropped away. “C’mon, help me get him out of here.”

Ed looked over at his best friend and back to Stede as the two of them worked together to haul him up. “I fucked up.”

Stede glanced at Izzy, tucking himself under Ed’s arm and wrapping his own around Ed’s middle to keep him upright.

“This isn’t the place, Ed,” Izzy said, mirroring Stede, and Ed glanced around at the people watching, seeing, judging.

He shifted his eyes back to Stede’s face and Stede nodded at him, looking away. “We’ll talk back at the dorm.”

They should have let him drown.

~*~

Izzy and Stede stood in the doorway of the dorm room whispering conspiratorially.

“I’m right fucking here, you know?” Ed groaned in annoyance, his body already starting to ache.

“Yeah?” Izzy tossed over his shoulder with a cold look. “You’re welcome for that.” He turned back to Stede, resuming their murmured conversation.

Ed tried to focus in on what they were saying but his ears were still ringing, canceling out their hushed tones, so he watched instead, lying curled in on himself in his bed.

Stede’s back was to the door, facing him but obscured from his view by Izzy who had his back turned away from Ed. Every once in a while Stede’s eyes would drift over Izzy’s shoulder and meet Ed’s for a few indulgent moments before he looked away again. It was torturous.

Izzy poked a finger into Stede’s chest and the blonde’s face went stark as he reached up and pushed it away, pointing his own finger over at Ed, holding Izzy’s gaze.

The whispered argument came to an abrupt stop then, and Izzy growled in frustration. Stede dropped his hand, crossing his arms over his broad chest as Izzy made to move around him toward the door, shoulder-checking him on the way. Anger flashed across Stede’s face but he didn’t move, standing statuesque with his eyes on the floor until the door closed behind him.

Ed’s first instinct was to go to him, to wrap him in his arms and kiss the pain off his face, and he started to sit up in the bed, but Stede held a hand up to him and he shrank back, hunched over at the edge of the mattress.

“I don’t know what to say to you, Ed” Stede said, focused on a point somewhere over Ed’s head.

Stede’s use of his name was like a punch to the gut that he wasn’t expecting, and he drew in a deep breath through his nose, still tingling with his earlier mistakes.

He pushed the hair that had escaped his ponytail from his face. “I know, Star, I—”

“Please don’t call me that right now,” Stede cut him off. “I can’t—” His voice wobbled and he took a steadying breath, looking up at the ceiling. He was trying to keep himself stoic. “I don’t even want to look at you, I’m so fucking mad! I mean…Jack? Jack? Really? Please help me understand.”

Understand?

The condescension in Stede’s tone cut into him, sharp and quick, and the pain of the last few months seeped back in.

Anger sparked in his chest. “The fuck you mean, help you understand?” Ed slid off the bed, voice raised with the heat pulsing through him. Stede’s gaze finally shifted to him. “You fucking disappeared, Stede!”

“You knew I was going to be away. That it could be weeks between letters. You told me to go anyway. Don’t act like—”

“MONTHS STEDE! I haven’t heard from you in months!” Ed took a step forward with his outburst and Stede flinched away from him, a hand held between them to ward Ed from coming any closer. Ed stopped. “You don’t know what it was like to have to sit around day after day and fucking wonder. The shit that went through my head. Not knowing. I thought—” Ed shook his head, all of his fears rattling around.

“So, you jump into my bed with Rackham? And you’re really one to talk—”

“That’s not— I didn’t know it was your bed,” Ed jumped, shaking his head again, trying to erase the memory of Stede’s face as he started to pace the width of the room.

“Great response,” Stede huffed sarcastically. “At least you knew who you were fucking.”

“That’s not fair, Stede. I didn’t know! I thought we were done,” Ed growled, trying to make him understand. “We were supposed to be done.”

“How convenient that you’re the only one who knew it.”

“Silence speaks volumes,” Ed bit out.

Stede snapped his mouth shut, staring at him across the distance, that very same silence piercing the tension between them.

“I suppose it does,” Stede nodded at him, voice trembling as he turned to reach for the door.

“Stede, wait—” Ed stepped forward again, this time all the way into his space, and placed a hand flat against the door to keep Stede from fleeing. “Please,” he begged into the curls at the back of Stede’s head. His hair was longer now too. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this to be over. I love you, Star.”

And for all his attempts to pretend like he didn’t care about Stede Bonnet anymore, it was the truest thing he’d ever said.

It was also the most selfish.

Stede kept his head down and Ed just wanted him to look at him.

“Say something," he pleaded, "Please.”

Stede took a deep breath and let it out.

“You’ll get over it.”

Ed staggered backward with the words thrown back at him, the same words he had used to break Stede’s heart over a year ago on the beach. His hand dropped away from the door, and Stede yanked it open before Ed could try to stop him again.

“Goodbye, Edward.”

And then he was gone.

Chapter Text

“I can’t do it, bunny.”

Ed burst into Anne’s kitchen like he lived there, shucking his jacket from his shoulders and tossing it onto the table.

“Jesus Christ, Ed,” Anne groaned at the sink, “stop calling me that.”

“Fine,” Ed said, dipping down to kiss her cheek as he passed on the way to the refrigerator. “I can’t do it, Anne.”

Anne heaved a heavy sigh, cutting her eyes over at Ed with his head in her fridge as she rinsed the last of the dishes.

“Yes you can,” she assured him with that voice that said she already knew what he didn’t.

Ed backed out of the fridge with a piece of bologna between his teeth and a can of root beer, pushing the door closed with his elbow. “I’ve been calling you bunny for years…” he spoke through the lunchmeat.

“I know,” Anne said, turning the sink off and turning to him, a dish towel in hand. “And I’ve hated it the whole time.” She finished drying her hands and whipped the towel in his direction. “Stop trying to change the subject.”

He'd been thinking about Stede’s request all day and as prepared as he had thought he was, how hopeful he had been when he sent that first message, the tornado of moths in his stomach said maybe he wasn’t ready. There were so many unknown variables at play, it could go a million different ways, and the not knowing of it all was making him anxious that the whole thing was a mistake.

Ed dodged the swinging towel, grabbing the bologna from his mouth. “What if he tells me off?”

“He won’t,” Anne said confidently, throwing the towel over her shoulder and pushing Ed out of her way. “If he was going to do that, he had the chance already.”

She had a point. Stede could have used their first call to do that and he hadn’t. Not to mention that it was Stede who had asked to see him. Practically begged for an in-person meeting. Which of course could be so he could do it to Ed’s face, but that’s not really the impression he gave during their call either. Was it too optimistic to believe that maybe Stede wanted to see him for the same reason he wanted to see Stede?

“Okay, true,” he said, taking a bite of the bologna as he leaned back against the counter. “What if he doesn’t like me anymore though?” He pointed at her with the soda.

Anne gave him her you’re an idiot look and grabbed a glass from the cabinet above his head. “You’re an idiot.”

“Touché.” Ed popped the tab on the soda and took a sip to wash down the food. “What if he likes me too much still? How do I say no thank you to those dimples? I don’t know if I can do that Anne.”

“Edward, I’m only going to say this once,” Anne said, ice cubes dropping into a glass from the fridge door. “You’re not going to fuck this up.” She turned to look at him. “ You’ve done the work, come a long way from who you were in 2011—”

“But—”

“No.” She held a finger up to quiet him and Ed snapped his mouth shut. “You are not that Ed anymore. You are going to go and hear what he has to say. Your dick will stay in your pants. And everything will be fine.” She thrust the glass toward him. “If Marie sees you drinking from that can we’re both going to have a terrible night.”

“Fine,” Ed sighed, accepting the glass and pouring the root beer into it. “I’ll go. But…” Anne quirked a brow at him in challenge. “What if he sees me and skips the small talk, jumping right to the ravaging?” he teased trying to ease the nervous flutter in his chest. Humor was the best coping mechanism he had.

Anne rolled her eyes and snatched the emptied can from him. “Doubtful.”

“You don’t know,” he sipped from the glass, grinning. “Maybe I’m irresistible.”

Stede sure was, just based on the assortment of photos he’d stolen off his socials in the last few weeks. At best Ed was going to see what he was missing, at worst this encounter ended the same as the last, only this time Ed was responsible for destroying a marriage, a family. But even knowing the cost, Ed wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be compelled to try and kiss him anyway. He didn’t know what parts of the old Ed might break through with Stede right there in front of him.

“You’re something, that’s for sure,” Anne said unimpressed, and turned for the trash.

Ed caught her arm. “Seriously though,” he said, sobering, and Anne turned back to him. “What if I do fuck this up? What does it say about me if, even after everything, I make the worst possible choice?”

Anne’s expression softened and she put her empty hand to his face, eyes flickering between his with a small smile. “It says you’re human, Ed.”

You were at our table today in the cafe. I didn't expect you there, I was caught off guard. What was I supposed to do when you looked up and saw me? I considered running, I didn't want you to think I was following you, even though I've been going there for months hoping this exact thing would happen. I didn't, as you know, afraid that would make you think I was running from you. I'd never run from you. Just from the guilt. So when you saw me, when your eyes met mine for the first time in what felt like centuries, I panicked. I panicked because I knew it wasn't what you wanted, that I wasn't the one you were waiting for, and fear ceased me that instead you would flee and maybe that would be the last time I ever saw the galaxies in your eyes. But you didn't run either. You smiled. Barely a quirk of your lips, unnoticeable to anyone else but not to me. Not to me." (continued in next image" />

I could find your smile in a crowd of millions, in the middle of a hurricane, in the dead of night. You smiled at me and all I could think was MAYBE. Maybe you don't hate me after all. Maybe there is still some small minute chance that I can fix this. Maybe I can make you fall in love with me again. And maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe what we had is gone. Maybe I'm a fool to think that you could ever feel those things for me again. But I have to try." Bottom of the page shows a moon and star draw with the quote, "stars fading but I linger on, still craving your kiss. Dream a little dream of me." />

AUTUMN 2005

“You’re doing this with me Ed, you promised.”

Anne was flipping through a book of designs on the counter, the green neon of the open sign in the parlor window reflecting off her red hair. It had been her idea for them to get tattoos, her way of binding them all together in this strange friendship that they had built over the last few years. After all of the ups and downs, the arguments and break-ups, the reconciliations and comradery, Ed was happy to finally be in a place where they simply existed here together in quiet gratitude of what they had built.

“I know, I know,” he huffed happily, the warmth of Stede’s body seeping into his bones from his side. “Start of our final year, I wouldn’t let you down now.”

“About ready?” the artist asked Anne across the desk, falling into conversation with her about the design she had picked out.

The music playing through the shop clicked over to a new song, something Ed didn’t recognize, a slow press of piano keys joined by lyrics that settled at the back of his mind.

Stede shifted at his side, snaking his arms around Ed’s waist as he pressed in slowly, lips grazing his cheek with a soft smile. “I like this,” he whispered, a secret just for them.

The song intensified, a marching band, building toward something neither of them could predict.

Ed turned to him— the Atlantic— and met the ocean in his eyes.

“The music?” Ed asked, pulling Stede closer to drop a kiss of his own into the sandy curls on the top of his head.

“Us.”

There had almost been no ‘us’, no more kisses, no more laughs. Ed had almost ruined their chances of having this. But somehow, whether by the grace of some unseen and mythical God, or sheer force of his own stubborn will, he had been given a third impossible chance to be loved by Stede. He knew he was lucky, so many things had stood in their way, but there was still always that tug in his memory of that night on the boardwalk, the feeling of knowing it was all going to end in a cataclysm that decimated them both.

So, he was going to keep cherishing this while he had the ability to. Until the day that the meteors crashed into them.

“Hey, check this out,” Anne said, waving them over to point to the book. Ed leaned over her shoulder to see. “How perfectly you, huh?”

“Very,” Stede said with a grin, looking from the book to Ed’s face. “How ‘bout it, Moon?”

And Ed loved him. More than he knew was safe; devastating and impossibly ferocious. He would deny him nothing.

“Let’s do it.”

SPRING 2006

They’d rented the little studio right before graduation knowing that the off-campus house with Izzy and the boys wasn’t going to cut it for them anymore once school was over. It wasn’t much, but they didn’t need anything big or grand; couldn’t afford anything more than this either, but that was fine. As long as they were here surviving the real world together, it was enough.

Stede had managed to land a paid internship at a local advertising agency in the city, which didn’t pay much but was enough to supplement Ed’s income from the non-profit. It wasn’t really what either of them wanted to be doing, but it was a stepping stone on the path toward a future more desired and kept the lights on, so they both made do. They didn’t always have a lot of time together, working long hours to prove themselves in their respective jobs, so they had to make the most of the time they did get.

“You’re kind of an asshole for this,” Stede said, trying to sound indignant about it but unable to keep the smile from his voice.

He couldn’t have fooled Ed anyway, not after all this time. His eyes gave him away.

Ed pulled him closer with a hand to the small of his back and rocked them in another slow circle. “Lies. I’m a romantic.”

“Yes, there is nothing more romantic than smelly gym clothes and Chinese takeout,” Stede deadpanned, letting himself be spun and pulled back into Ed’s arms.

It was absolutely ridiculous, Ed knew that, but he also couldn’t think of a single thing that would be more romantic than dancing with Stede to no music in the middle of their empty living room, discarded takeout containers littering the floor around them. Every day, every moment, every soft sigh and kiss, every eye roll and groan of frustration, all of it, was a gift. It was a goddamn miracle that he was here, that he still got to have this, got to have Stede, after everything, and he was going to cherish every little insignificant moment until he couldn’t anymore.

“Are you hating on my date night, star boy?” Ed spun them around and dipped Stede back, brushing their lips together. “I worked really hard on this, you know?” he whispered.

Stede clutched at his shoulders, giggling. “I would never.”

“You absolutely would,” Ed grinned, pulling them back up straight.

“You love it,” Stede teased.

“I love you," he breathed, never having meant something more than those three words. Knowing he never would.

WINTER 2006

“Mmm,” Stede hummed, “here try this.” He held a wooden spoon out to Ed.

Stede was a terrible cook. They’d discovered that early on, but Ed didn’t care. The fact that Stede even wanted to try, to do something for him, made his heart kick in ways it shouldn’t.

The sauce was far too bitter and, try as he might, Ed couldn’t help his face from pinching when he tasted it. “Perfect,” he choked out, schooling his face as much as he could.

“You’re the worst fucking liar I’ve ever met,” Stede said, elbowing him in the stomach playfully.

“Maybe, but I’m cute,” Ed countered, moving to the sink and filling a glass with water to wash his mouth clean.

Stede leaned over the pot, looking as if he could determine the problem. “It’s your saving grace.” He dipped the spoon in again, stirring once before pulling it back out, tomato sauce dripping from its sides. “I just don’t understand. I followed Lynn’s recipe exactly.”

Ed finished gulping down the glass and sat it in the dish drainer. “Needs sugar,” he pointed at the set of canisters on the counter that Stede had insisted they needed to house ingredients.

He could deny him nothing.

“I used the exact amount of sugar the recipe calls for, Ed,” he pointed down at the handwritten instruction next to him. “Maybe if I add—”

“Nuh-uh,” Ed cut him off, rushing to knock away Stede’s hand reaching for the spice cabinet. “Last time you tried to improvise I couldn’t taste for a week.”

Stede frowned. “That’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“It’s an understatement actually,” Ed said, reaching around him to grab at the yellow canister marked ‘sugar’. “Just add more sugar.”

“Oh,” Stede said, eyes fixed on the container in Ed’s hand.

“Oh? What’s oh?”

Stede’s face flushed and he turned to look at Ed over his shoulder. “That’s— I didn’t see that one.”

“See what one?” Ed asked confused.

“The one marked sugar,” Stede whispered back, eyes wide.

“What do you mean you didn’t see it? You said you added the sugar.”

Stede swallowed, pushing from the bracket of Ed’s arms to reach for another of the canisters, this one blue. “I used this one.” He spun around holding out the container to Ed. “It has sugar too,” he murmured, popping open the top. “Or at least, it looks like sugar.”

“Stede that’s salt,” Ed huffed a laugh, glancing from the open container back to Stede’s apologetic face. “How much did you use?”

“What the recipe called for. And then…a little more because it wasn’t getting sweet.” Stede’s face scrunched up adorably. “So, probably about…a half a cup. Maybe.” Ed stared at him disbelieving. “Oops…?”

“Okay.” Ed took the salt container from his hands and put it aside, then reached behind him and turned the stove off.

“What’re you doing?” Stede asked.

“No more cooking.” He pulled Stede to him with a hand to his hip.

“But—” Stede protested.

Ed grabbed at the apron tie, pulling it loose, and tugged the loop up over Stede’s head. “One or both of us is going to end up in the hospital.” He tossed the apron aside.

“What’re we going to eat then?” Stede stared up at him earnestly.

Ed shrugged. “Fuck dinner. We’re grown-ups.”

“Moon,” Stede whined just before Ed kissed him.

“Let’s skip to dessert.”

“Oh.”

FEBRUARY 2007

February brought with it a world of cold grey that iced its way into Ed’s soul. It had been years since he had felt so devoid of warmth, and even with Stede at his side, wrapped around him, Ed could not shake the chill from his veins.

He tried to go on as normal, pretending to feel things that were dormant inside of him, going through the motions. He smiled when he was meant to smile and laughed when he was meant to laugh, but he felt no happiness, no sense of joy. He kept the tears hidden behind the shower curtain, the sadness under bed covers, his melancholy disguised as a sickness of the body rather than the mind. And Stede was none the wiser, which is exactly the way Ed wanted it.

Maybe he couldn’t save himself from the monster lurking in his soul, but he could protect Stede from it. He would suffer in silence if it meant that Stede didn’t have to feel the pain along with him. Ed had already been the source of enough pain for him, this wasn’t going to be another time that he failed to keep Stede’s heart safe.

And it was inevitable anyway, that Stede would tire of him. If he could just keep it from happening a little longer, maybe he could find his way back to some happiness before it was finally ripped away from him.

“Izzy called again last night to check on you,” Stede said as he lowered himself down on the edge of the bed, rubbing circles in Ed’s back.

The curtains of their room had been drawn for days, shrouding him in darkness, eclipsing him from Stede’s insightful eye.

A low him of understanding was all Ed could manage from his pillow, head feeling like lead, heart feeling like stone.

“Do you need anything before I head to the office? Some water or tea, maybe?”

Stede asked him every day and every day the answer was the same.

“You.”

Then Stede would smile apologetically and coo words of adoration in his ear, curling against him over the comforter to place kisses to the places he could reach. Eventually, though, the alarm would sound and Stede would pull himself up, dress for the day, kiss Ed one last time, and head out the door. The last thing he heard every morning before he was alone was the jingling of keys, an omen. Of what, he didn’t know.

MAY 2007

“It’s not that I dislike your friends from Cecil, Ed. I just—” Stede paused as he ran a comb through his hair. “I don’t know… Kandie doesn’t seem like the best influence.”

Stede wasn’t wrong, Kandie was a typical party girl. Her days consisted of sleeping and getting ready for the sun to go down, her nights of drinking, drugging, and fucking. She was the one who had taught Ed how to snort cocaine and connected him with dealers to get it back in ’03. He probably should have cut her off after that summer, when he had gotten his shit back together, but there was a voice in the back of his head every time he considered it telling him he might need her someday, so he hadn’t.

“She’s trying to get herself right, Star. She seems like a different person since she started dating Danny.” Ed flopped down on the edge of their bed to pull on his shoes. “Plus, it’s one party. And not even like a party party.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Stede conceded, setting the comb back on the vanity and coming to lean in the bathroom doorway.

“’Course I am. When am I ever wrong?” Ed said, tossing a grin up at his boyfriend as he finished tying his laces.

Smiling was easier now, although he knew it didn’t always reach his eyes. The knot in his stomach was slowly unraveling, giving him back some of his energy and interest, but the thoughts were still there most of the time. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve Stede. And it was only a matter of time before Stede realized it too.

Stede raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you want me to answer that honestly or…?”

Ed pushed the dark thoughts from his head, determined to make the best of tonight, and stood up. “Probably best if you didn’t. It is my birthday after all, you’re supposed to be nice to me.”

“I’m nice to you the other 364 days of the year, I deserve a break. Besides,” Stede stepped toward him, into the room, “your birthday isn’t actually until next week.”

“Good point,” Ed said, reaching out to pull him in by a belt loop. “Let's stay home then.”

Stede stumbled forward, bracing his hands against Ed’s chest. “Hmm, enticing offer—” Ed wrapped an arm around his shoulders and stepped them back toward the bed. “But, as you very well know already, we have a reservation—” Ed’s knees hit the side of the bed and he dropped down, attempting to pull Stede into his lap unsuccessfully. “And, I’m pretty sure Izzy would have no qualms about murdering either of us if we don’t show.”

“I’m not scared of Izzy,” Ed breathed, rucking up Stede’s shirt to press hot kisses to his stomach.

Stede carded his fingers through Ed’s hair with a quiet huff. “Anne paid half the deposit.”

Ed froze, looking up at him. “Anne?”

Stede nodded.

“Well stop fooling around then,” he said, yanking Stede’s shirt back into place and pushing him away with a hand to his hip. “We’re going to be late.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Stede laughed, following him to the door.

“I’m telling them you tempted me with your wicked wiles,” Ed teased, snatching up the keys to his Impala and throwing open the door to let Stede go first.

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll believe every word.”

It was easier with each passing day to hold onto a little more hope, even if he was tied in knots just waiting for the shoe to drop.

It wasn’t the life they dreamed of, but it was the one they had made together.

JULY 2007

He'd fucked up.

It was an anniversary party for Kandie's cousin, and no, they didn't really know them, but Kandie had invited them, stating that Danny was bringing his cousin James too.

Stede was, and always had been, more socially adept than himself, making quick friends of anyone around and thus, falling into comfortable conversations. Therefore, Ed had found himself a spot under the shade of an umbrella by the pool, away from the many strangers that he had no interest in engaging with, nursing a bottle of beer he never would have bought on his own.

In the pool, a gaggle of children played, screaming and splashing, and looking as if they didn't have a care in the world. Because they didn't, of course. They had no concept of adulthood, of the responsibilities that awaited them and the constant fear of failure that came with it. They were the keepers of nothing, not even themselves. They had nobody that depended on them for survival or comfort, or that they were slowly but surely ruining somebody who would eventually realize they weren't worth the time and effort, and who would someday leave them broken and alone. Those kids didn't have to care or wonder, or worry about any of those things. Not yet, at least.

Ed swept his gaze around the party, finding Stede with ease and letting his eyes linger. Right now this was his and he was going to devour as much as he could before it was gone again.

A few droplets of water prickled along his arm where it was exposed to the elements and Ed looked down out of habit.

"Hey." The blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty that was Dan's cousin James smiled up at him from the edge of the pool. "You just going to mope there all night? Don't you wanna take a dip?"

"I'm not moping, I'm drinking. And, no. I hadn't planned on it."

James leaned his head on his arms, one crossed over the other on the side of the pool, a single sapphire blinking up at him expectantly, the other eye pushed to a wink in the bright sunlight.

"You could change your plans," James said with a grin that showed off his perfectly white teeth.

"I could," Ed agreed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, "but I have rules about that."

"Oh yeah? Rules about changing plans or rules about swimming?"

Ed shrugged. "Both."

James laughed, bright and genuine, and Ed cracked a smile of his own, unable to help himself. It felt like something cracking open inside of him, to smile without effort.

"Well you know," James went on, pulling himself a little closer so he could drop his voice to a low whisper, "rules are meant to be broken."

If he hadn't been sure before, Ed knew now that James was definitely flirting with him.

"Smooth." Ed quirked an eyebrow at him and leaned back, picking up his beer and taking a sip. "But I have a boyfriend."

He pointed to Stede with his bottle but James didn't turn to check, his eyes never leaving Ed. "What's that got to do with me?"

Nothing really, if Ed actually did think about it. Stede and James didn't know each other, they had no loyalty or obligations to the other. There was nothing stopping James from pursuing him except Ed and his loyalty, his love, his restraint.

Ed’s eyes jumped automatically to Stede surrounded by a group of people, drink in hand, as he told one of his famous stories. He was just as beautiful as the first day Ed had seen him and his heart lurched with the knowledge that Stede could decide to unchoose him any day now. It was only a matter of time before Stede didn't want him anymore, it was inevitable. He was lucky to have gotten the extended time that he did.

Stede's gaze flickered to him and he smiled, and Ed loved him. God, did he love that absolutely brilliant, perfect, fool of a man.

He was breathless with it every single day, this soul-consuming affection that pushed him to the brink of tears. How was he going to survive when it all came crashing down around him?

Stede held his pinky up to his lips, the lines of the crescent moon bold against his light skin, and Ed swallowed over the lump in his throat, holding back tears. He brought his own finger up, turning the star outward so Stede could see it even though he already knew it was there. How would he ever breathe again when Stede stopped looking at him like he hung the stars?

One of the crowd drew Stede's attention back to the conversation and Ed took a long drink of his beer before he looked back down at James who was watching him hungrily.

"You got a number?"

James eyed him eagerly, grin nothing short of predatory.

OCTOBER 2007

Massively fucked up.

"How long?"

"Three months."

"Three months? THREE FUCKING MONTHS, ED? Are you fucking—" Stede ran a hand through his curls and dropped down on the couch. "I don't understand. I don't—" He looked up and his eyes were red, pained, tears on the edge of spilling. "Why?"

Ed's stomach ached. His heart felt like it was being squeezed. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Stede wasn't supposed to know while it could hurt him.

"Fucking answer me, Edward!"

There were no words to excuse it, no reason that would be sufficient, no apology that would fix it.

"I— I don't know.”

"You don't know?" The tears streamed down Stede's face but they burned into Ed's skin. He did that. "You don't know why you've been fucking someone else for THREE FUCKING MONTHS?!"

He knew. Of course, he knew. But he couldn't tell Stede the truth. He would make it his fault, taking the blame from Ed and that wasn't fair to him. The guilt, even undeserved, would crush him. It was crushing Ed now, but he had to stay strong. He had to protect Stede.

"It wasn't about you. About us. It's... complicated."

Stede laughed through his tears, hysterical and humorless. "No, Ed, it's really not." He ran his sleeve over his face but it didn't help, didn't erase the damage Ed had caused. "You made a choice. Three months' worth of them apparently. It wasn't hard or complicated if you chose to keep doing it."

It was true. The choice had been easy because he didn't think about it. He didn't think about the ultimate consequences, or what would happen if Stede found out before he was meant to, or what he would do after. It was selfish from the beginning, Ed's attempt at protecting his heart from something that hadn't happened yet. He protected himself then, now he needed to protect Stede from those choices.

"I'm selfish."

Stede sniffled, eyes glued to the floor between his knees. "You got that fucking right." He drew in a deep breath and it rattled the foundations of Ed's world.

The silence that followed was deafening, piercing in its echo of his decisions, a harbinger of the end looming over them. And Ed knew this was it. This was the moment of impact. His galaxy was about to implode.

Then Stede spoke and he would have preferred that it was a scream. To be told that he was no good, a waste of time and space, that Stede didn't love him, never had, and they were done. Gone and buried. He could have dealt with things being thrown, breaking dishes and torn apart pillows, or even a punch to his face, a kick to his ribs, spit on his grave. Those things made sense. Stede deserved to say them, to take his pain out in those ways, and Ed deserved to bear witness, to hear the truths, to feel the physical manifestation of what he had done. Those things he would have understood. But that's not what happened.

Stede took another deep breath, calming the tremor in his voice, the shaking of his limbs. He cleared the tears from his face, let the anger drain from his features, ran a hand through his hair, and looked up at Ed.

"I love you, Edward. You fucked up so fucking bad. I—" Stede wrung his hands together and Ed tried to reel himself back, head spinning. "I don't know if I'll ever trust you again, and it's going to be a rough fucking ride, but—" His eyes shined, full of all the love and affection and forgiveness that Ed didn't deserve, and— No. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. "I can't lose you, moon. You're my sky."

It was like drowning.

Ed couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't form words. Everything jumbled up in the back of his throat and he choked. The world dissolved around him, melting into an abstract nightmare of his worst fears. He had done the worst possible thing, broken the most sacred vow, and caused the worst kind of disaster, and Stede wanted to forgive him for it all. Ed had run their relationship headfirst into a brick wall and Stede was crawling through the broken glass, bloody and bruised, worried about saving him when he should be trying to save himself from Ed.

He didn't know how he'd ended up on the floor, or when Stede had crossed the room to wrap him in his arms, but there they were. Stede pressed soft kisses to his face while he ran a soothing hand up and down his back, murmuring comforts into his ear, and it was all wrong. This was what he had been trying to avoid, what he told himself he wouldn't let happen. He had to protect Stede because he wouldn't do it for himself, and if Ed didn't do something now, he was going to ruin Stede beyond repair.

With a hand to his chest, Ed pushed Stede away from him and gathered every ounce of courage that he had in himself. "I can't do this, Stede."

Stede's face shifted from grief to confusion. "What— What do you mean?"

Ed cleaned his face with the back of his hand and forced himself to pull out of Stede's grip so he could stand. "I told you... I'm selfish." Not good enough! "I can't— won't— promise you that it's gonna stop just because you know now."

Pain. Deep, aching, broken open. Sharp, gouging, down to the bone. The brightness faded from his eyes with the realization; the supernova expiring before his eyes.

"Edward?" It was a plea for mercy, but Stede didn't understand yet that the actual mercy was Ed walking away.

Ed turned away, unable to stand the way Stede was looking at him. "I need to go."

Before Stede had time to process, Ed retreated to the bedroom and pulled a duffle bag from under the bed. He'd take what he needed for now and come back for the rest when Stede was at work. He wouldn't make Stede keep having to go through this.  The quicker it was over, the sooner he could start to forget.

Ed threw open a drawer, pulling handfuls of his clothing out and shoving it into the bag.

"I need you to explain it to me, Ed." Stede was in the doorway, the color gone from his face. His voice was measured and numb-sounding, and Ed thought he was going to throw up.

He turned back to what he was doing, pushing the drawer closed and moving to the closet. "What else do you want me to say, Stede?" He kept his voice cold and cutting. He hated it.

He could hear the sound of Stede swallowing from across the room. "Do you love him?"

Stede was out of his view, the closet door blocking his line of sight, and he was thankful for it as his knees almost buckled with the suggestion. No, I love you, he wanted to scream, don't you see that's why I have to leave? I'll just keep hurting you if I stay. That wouldn't be good enough for Stede though, he'd never accept it as the truth. He'd always had too much faith in Ed, to his own detriment. Which is exactly why this needed to end now.

Ed threw what he could into the bag, steeled the hurricane of emotions threatening to tear him apart, and stepped out of the closet, throwing his bag down on the bed.

"Yes," he said. And it was the best lie that he had ever told. He pulled the zipper closed on the bag, throwing it over his shoulder before he moved to the nightstand to grab his cell phone.

He didn't look at Stede, not directly, but he could see him in his periphery leaning against the doorframe. Every atom in Ed's body vibrated with the need to scoop him up and tell him it would be okay. It was time for him to go.

He flipped open the clamshell with his thumb and typed out a text.

"Where will you go?" Stede breathed, hollow.

Ed ignored him, finishing his message, and flipped the phone closed with a sharp clack after hitting send.

"It doesn't matter." He turned sharply on his heel, intending to stalk out with his eyes on the floor, but his path was blocked. Ed dragged his eyes up to Stede's waist, still unable to look him in the face as he blocked the doorway with his whole body. "Move."

"No."

Fuck— "Stede. Move— Please."

"No. I want you to say it to my face."

Frustration was starting to build, mostly at himself for being so careless he'd gotten himself caught and put them here, and he gritted his teeth together trying to hold back the bite. "We're not doing this, Stede," he growled in warning.

Stede shifted his feet. "Tell me to my face, Edward, or we're going fist-to-fist before I let you walk out that door."

"Goddamn it, star—" he cut himself off, finally snapping his head up. "I don't want to hurt you. Just let me go."

"Too late."

The bitterness of the words sliced into him and he'd had all he could stand.

He shouldered past Stede, stomping his way through the apartment, the sound of his boots like a death toll.

"You're a fucking coward," Stede shouted at him when he reached the front door, snatching his keys from the hook on the wall.

Ed pulled the door open and stepped out into the hall without another look back. If only he could have told Stede that walking out of his life was the bravest thing he had ever done.

“I know.”

Chapter Text

It had to be neutral ground, somewhere that meant nothing to either of them and held no weight in their story. It also had to be in public because Ed just flat out did not trust his emotions. He didn’t trust that he wouldn’t fully break down the moment he saw Stede again, everything that had been simmering under the surface of his life for a decade breaking through, and he couldn’t risk how an eruption like that would manifest. He was also afraid that even though he had told himself this was about making amends and not trying to rekindle what they’d had, all of it would be out the door the second he laid eyes on him, and ultimately would end up a wreck when that’s not what Stede wanted.

So, he’d chosen Blackwater. And yeah, it was kinda off the beaten path and there were trails they could take to hike through the reserve, but really it was a public area where anyone could pop up at any time. Also, they were both nearly forty now and the idea of being eaten alive by mosquitoes while trying to have a quickie in the woods just really didn’t sound appealing. If nothing else, the threat of those bloodsuckers alone should entice him to keep his clothes on.

On the other hand, Blackwater also offered great views, wildlife, and a quiet place for them to talk, which was really what this was about— giving Stede the opportunity to say the things he needed to say.

The parking lot was deserted with the exception of a single silver compact, a crooked bumper sticker on the back that read ‘It’s a Whale of a school: Joppatowne Elementary Honor Student’. The car was pristine but empty when Ed pulled his bike into the spot next to it and cut the engine. There was a blue book bag propped against the passenger seat and dangling from the rearview mirror a silver moon charm, the little attached star catching the sunlight and sparkling.

Ed’s heart gave a violent kick, his stomach jumping into his throat, and he swallowed down the fear.

Maybe.

Ed pulled his helmet from his head, tearing his eyes away from the reminder that he was here. They both were here. Somewhere nearby was his ghost, his past, his melody, his supernova, his star.

Reality hit him like a lead weight. All these years he’d had to sit with the consequences of his choices, face his demons, and try to remind himself every day to keep going forward. Now he was about to take a step back into the past, look into the eyes of the person who had suffered along side him, and try to make right what he had broken.

He could do this. He had to do this. Even if it fixed nothing. 

Ed knew that in a moment he would have to dismount the bike and take his first steps toward the unknown but there was something lingering in the salty air today that made him shiver with anxiety, although he blamed it on the sudden chill of a cool breeze carried off the nearby Chesapeake. He kept his eyes down as pulled a band from his wrist, gathering his hair up on top his head to keep it from becoming unruly. He could draw this out a few minutes longer, gather his thoughts before…

“Moon?”

A voice drifted on the breeze, sweet and rich like chocolate, and it burned through him.

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star, one without a permanent scar?

Ed pressed his eyes closed to the sound.

Twenty years of restless reminders. Of words spoken in anger and love. Of lonely nights and broken days. Ed had found a way to survive without him but he was always still right there in his periphery, and now…

Ed opened his eyes and— there he was.

You’re my sky.
           Muscle memory.
                     Because you shine.
                             Drops of Jupiter and Starlight.

The sandy colored curls and sharp blue-green eyes no longer strangers but a reminder that he had known, even when they were, that the two of them were connected by some cosmic force. A spark of recognition lit in Stede’s face when their eyes met and Ed was suddenly weak, overwhelmed with the knowledge that they knew each other, even now, after all this time. And then Stede smiled at him, still a star so bright and beautiful that Ed couldn’t look away.

[Video: flashing images from the beginning of their relationship to now (meeting, beach date, college, etc.)]

26 days, 14 hours, 32 minutes

"What kinda man breaks up with someone over text? A fucking coward!"

Ed had been staying with Kandie since James' uncle came home from his trip. It had been two days since Ed had seen him and then, the text came. He appreciated what Kandie was trying to do, but the word sliced into him like a scalpel and burrowed its way under his skin. Coward. "Here. Take this," she held a hand out to him with two pills in it, "It'll help."

"What is it?" Ed took the pills from her, looking at them closely.

"Percs," she said, tossing two of her own in her mouth and swallowing them down with water. "They're for pain. Trust me, they'll help."

He wasn't sure they were made for this kind of pain but, fuck it, what could it hurt at this point? He tipped them into his mouth and Kandie handed him her bottle of water.

It didn't take long for them to kick in and Kandie had been right, they helped to numb everything. No more aches, no more heartbreak, no more thoughts, just fuzzy, buzzing happiness, and maybe a little bit of extra courage. Ed felt a renewed sense of self-esteem. He didn't fucking need James. Fuck him and the moderately good sex. Okay, the actually ridiculously good sex, but fuck it anyway. It had still been better with him.

But he wasn't thinking about him or what he'd lost to be with James, who'd stroked his ego with pretty words and false promises.

Nah, fuck all that too. He wasn't thinking about any of it.

What he was thinking about was revenge.

Kandie helped him gather up the few things of James' that he had, that James was apparently willing to abandon not to see him again, all the time fanning the flames of his rage.

"Let's burn it," Kandie suggested once they had everything in a box.

Ed gripped the Three Days Grace CD, unable to drag his eyes away from it. Pain, can't get enough. Pain, I like it rough. "No. He won't care. He isn't worried about it, or he'd have asked for it back."

"What do we do with it then?"

Ed turned the CD over in his hand remembering the day they'd met at the party, the numerous drives they took just to listen to music, the drag of his lips against Ed’s skin. "We give it back."

"What?" Kandie screeched. "I thought you wanted to—"

"He doesn't want to see me." Ed tossed the CD into the box and looked over at her. "Let's take a trip."

They both popped another two percs before they loaded up the back seat of his 2006 Impala. He had scrimped and saved to buy this car, yellow with white checkered decals down the side, brand new sound system with a 1000-watt amp; it was his pride and joy, and James had fawned over it. He begged Ed to let him drive it, then begged to come down Ed's throat while he did. Ed regretted both.

There was a white Volvo in the driveway. James didn't have a car; his uncle drove a Dodge.

The basement curtains moved as he and Kandie stepped out of the car.

"Fucking cocksucker—" Kandie said, leaning her head into the open window of the Volvo. "This is Britney's car."

She straightened and pulled her sunglasses up on her head, as Ed pulled the box out of the back and placed it on the trunk.

"Wonder if she knows he's a bottom?" Ed laughed.

Kandie grinned, her eyes pinpoints. "She's about to."

He should have been more upset about the whole situation than he was. Mostly he was just mad that he'd— Nope. No, he wasn't going to regret his choice, it was for him, not for Ed, and last he'd heard, he was doing alright. Definitely better than if he was still dragging Ed along with him.

Still not the point though.

Ed was, however, glad that he had Kandie. Pretty, loud, strong-willed, massively vindictive Kandie. Who, the moment after Ed finished talking, was at the basement window, pounding away while screaming, "Come the fuck out here, you cheating fucking bastard!! And bring your little whore with you, I got something I think she'll want to know!"

The pills kept Ed even-keeled, giggling and bubbly, as James came bursting from the house to confront a very hyped Kandie. "You need to go!" He stepped back in, closing the storm door between them when he saw Ed there.

"Motherfucker, I ain't going nowhere until you come out here!" Kandie screamed at him. She was slightly unsteady on her feet, but her mouth had no issue continuing to run full force. Ed reached out a steadying hand to keep her from tripping over her own feet as she lunged for the front door.

"I swear to God, Kandie. Don't make me call Dan," James shouted through the glass.

"Go ahead. Call Dan. The fuck's he going to do? You think he's gonna choose you over pussy?" Then, Kandie saw her in and took it. "Unless you're sucking his dick too! Is that it, James? A fag and a cousin fucker?"

"Jesus Christ—" James breathed, throwing his hands up.

"Okay, Kand, I think that's good enough. Let's go before he calls the cops." Ed put a hand to her shoulder, and she shrugged him off. He knew he should feel stressed by the whole interaction, he didn't. He also didn't want to go to jail though.

"Nah. This bitch is gonna come out here and hear what you have to say, Ed." This time she reached for Ed, grabbing him by the front of his hoodie and pulling him forward toward the door with her. "Aren't you, James? Because if you don't, this whole fucking neighborhood is going to know you take it up the ass."

"You need to fucking leave now." A blonde stepped out from the house and Kandie's face lit up like the goddamn Fourth of July.

"You got something to say, Brit, you fucking whore?! Where's Dom, huh? He knows where you're at?" Ed was holding her back, arms around her waist. For a tiny girl, she had some fucking balls, he'd give her that.

James came back to the door, phone pressed to his ear, and pulled Britney back into the house shutting the door.

"C'mon, Kand. It's done." Ed pulled her arm until she relented, turning back to the driveway.

She stopped briefly to kick the side panel of Britney's Volvo a few times, a foot-sized dent appearing, before jumping into the passenger seat of the Impala. Ed grabbed the box from the trunk and chucked it into the driveway, contents spilling across the pavement, then he jumped into the driver's seat.

James and Britney watched from the upstairs bay window, James still holding the phone to his ear, eyes wide in surprise but not pained. Ed should have expected that, but it still nipped a bit at his heart that he meant so little.

Kandie flipped them the middle finger, as Ed threw the car in reverse and floored it out of the driveway, tires squealing on the way out.

"That was—" Kandie panted out, feet propped on Ed's dash.

"Fucking exhilarating," Ed laughed, pressing harder on the gas as they flew down Biggs Highway. "You got any more percs?" he looked over at Kandie, flushed and eyes dancing with mischief.

Numb. Happy. Free.

He wanted to stay this way forever.

"No," she grinned over at him as he shifted gear. "But I know where to get something better."

65 days, 9 hours, 42 minutes

The first time Ed met Beck was with Kandie. He'd pulled into the cul-de-sac on his black motorcycle, pulled off his helmet, and Ed wondered if you could fall in love at first sight more than once in your life.

They'd bought three Roxis and six E pills from him, a quick but friendly conversation passing between Kandie and her drug dealer, as Ed stood quietly admiring the guy from the corner of his eye. Then Beck was starting the bike and driving off, and Ed considered briefly what both of them would feel like between his legs.

The second time was a few weeks later. They'd been partying hard for about three days straight and they needed a refill. They were coming down off the E, restless sleep but exhaustion so bone achingly deep Ed could have cried. There was always a rough after the high, whether lasted for days or hours depending on how long and how much, and exactly what drug it was. It was worth it though, the aches and pains after the glittering, endorphin-filled high, because for that little while Ed didn't think or feel or regret, he simply just was.

Kandie's house was packed that night, a shouting, writhing mob of people that they didn't want to share their drugs, and they had asked Beck to meet them at the end of the lane. This time he came in his emerald green Cadillac, blacked out and on rims, his window rolled down as he smiled his million-dollar smile, dimples on full display. Ed had hung back, watching the entry for police, while Kandie talked quietly, half leaning in the window to make the deal. As hot as Beck was, the last thing on his mind was sex, all of his focus on getting what they needed before the brain worms sunk in.

It was December now, and Ed had spent most of the last two months in a drug and sex-fueled haze. The moments where Stede crept into his mind had started to become few and far between, a welcome side-effect of the booze, pills, and orgasms. And in the odd times that he did, Ed snuffed out the memories as quickly as possible, one way or another. Every now and then, when he was sober enough to crawl out of the orchard, he ran into someone from his life before and was offered a tidbit of information he didn't ask for.

Last weekend, hungover and craving a milkshake, Kandie, Dan, and he had wandered down to the Wawa and ran into Jasper, one of Stede's co-workers, who had let it slip that Stede was subletting the apartment while he went back to Connecticut. Ed didn't remember the next two days.

Tonight, teetering on the edge of twelve hours of sobriety, thoughts of Stede were tip-toeing the outskirts of his consciousness, and Ed was ready to do something drastic to make sure they didn't break through. And it was this that had probably tipped the scales in Beck's favor. Enticing as the amber-eyed drug dealer was, otherwise, it was the prospect of getting so well fucked that it caused Ed amnesia that was really the selling point.

So, when Kandie glanced over her shoulder at him, turning back to Beck with a small giggle, Ed's belly stirred with something hot and needy. And when she straightened, waving him over to the car, a glint in her eye, he knew that his problem was about to be solved.

"Hey," Beck smiled up at him almost shyly, but there was something dangerously confident about his gaze that made Ed shiver as he approached the car.

"Ed, this is Beck." Ed looked at Kandie and then back to Beck with an appraising eye. "He just wanted to say hi."

"Hi," Ed purred, infusing his voice with as much fire as he could muster in one syllable.

"You should let me take you for a ride sometime," Beck offered, and he sounded sincere, but Ed had been fooled before. Guys this pretty knew they could have what they wanted and rarely meant what they said. That wasn't really a problem though.

Ed wasn't looking for a long-term commitment or to fall in love, he was looking for a distraction and Beck was, truthfully, very distracting. And if Ed had been wrong and Beck was being sincere, they could be friends. Friends could hang, they could fuck, and it could be what it was. He wasn't so emotionally damaged that he couldn't even be friends with the person he was fucking. Whatever it was that Beck was looking for here, Ed could give it to him if it meant he got what he needed too.

"In this?" Ed leaned down to get a little closer, arms resting on the open window. "Or on your dick?"

It was straightforward, but Ed didn't have the time or patience to dance around the goddamn thing right now. He needed relief from the slow trickle of guilt that was starting to bleed its way in. Beck didn't seem to mind either, his smile growing bigger with each passing minute.

"Both."

4 months, 17 days, 5 hours, 28 minutes

Beck wasn’t a bad guy. He treated Ed good, kept him in whatever drugs he wanted, fucked him however he needed. They weren’t together, but the only thing that distinguished the lack of something more between them was Ed’s unwillingness to commit to it.

He spent more nights with Beck than he did at Kandie’s now. They shared a bed, Ed rode with him to make sales, and Beck kissed him like he was important. Ed knew that he meant more to Beck than what he was able to give in return. He felt bad that he couldn’t force himself to feel the same, so he gave what he was able.

If Beck reached for his hand, he gave it. If Beck pulled him into his lap, he went easily. If Beck whispered things in the dark— soft, warm confessions— Ed whispered back.

Beck didn’t need him though, and he didn’t need Beck. When they went their separate ways, Ed didn’t have to worry there would be pain or anger or guilt. They would just cease to be what they were any longer. And that’s what made them perfect together. They were both already ruined.

**BONUS INSPO PHOTOS**

[Image #1 below: The real blue star tattoo...surprise, it's real! 🌙; Image #2 Emo ME! circa 2007!! (aka 2007 Ed): ]

Chapter Text

1 year, 9 months, 3 days, 14 hours, 27 minutes

Silence in the eye of the storm.

What was he feeling? Anything?

Breathe.

His limbs were weighted as he tried to move away, stuck in the muddied reality of this world.

He didn’t want to see but he couldn’t look away.

Had he done this? Was this his fault?

Why hadn’t he been there? Looked harder? Tried. Tried to do something. Anything.

He should have known something was wrong. He would have known if he hadn’t been high. Right?

Maybe.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it before, this was what it looked like. This was what he saw day in and day out. Sleeping. Nodding.

It’s what he looked like too when he was slipping.

It looked wrong now though.

There was no breath.

Breathe.

No rise and fall of the chest, even shallow.

No pink of the cheeks or warmth of the skin.

Just lights.

Red and white. Circling. Casting the room in a hellish glow.

So many people. So many strangers. And yet there was no sound.

Why was it so quiet?

“Eddie,” he thought he heard his name.

No. Not his name. The name they’d given him. The name of the person they’d taken as their own. Not his. Not him.

Moon.

He hadn’t been him in a long time now. What felt like another lifetime. A time outside of time. A place he was no longer sure he’d ever been.

Dream a little dream.

How had he gotten here? What neon god had shifted the foundations?

Restless dreams. Cold and damp. Flashing of lights splitting the night in two. Broken.

“Eddie!”

Something scratched at the back of his mind.

Knowing.

“Eddie!!”

There was a hand at his shoulder.

“Eddie!!”

Ed turned, the world suddenly crashing back to speed.

“What did he take?”

Breathe.

“I—” his eyes shifted from Seth’s face to Ryan on the floor and back. “I don’t know. I wasn’t— He went in alone.”

“Fuck!” Seth dropped to his knees again. “Fuck!”

A paramedic pushed passed him and Ed backed himself against the wall. The events of the night before scrolled through his mind hazy and unmoored. If he could just remember what Ryan had said maybe he could help.

...

“Eddie, wait, wait, wait!! Are you going home?”

Ed jerked the car to a stop and Ryan leaned into the window.

“Yeah. Did you see where Seth went?”

Ryan rounded the car, throwing open the passenger door to slide in. “No. You alright?”

Ed ran a hand against the grain of his untrimmed beard. “Yeah, I’m good.” He put the car in gear and pulled out of the gravel driveway slowly, the lights of the party reflecting blindingly in the rearview mirror.

“He’s always a dick when he’s drinking,” Ryan said, fooling with something in his lap.

“I know.”

“Fuck him.” Ed looked over at him and Ryan held up a joint. “Get high with me. We’ll have our own party.”

Ryan wiggled the joint at him with a smirk.

“Fine,” Ed laughed. “Roll the windows down. I’ll take Elk Mills.”

Ryan lit the joint and pressed the button on the door until the window disappeared.

“Run me by Shawn’s?” he asked, puffing at the joint before holding it out to Ed.

Ed nodded, taking the offered joint between his fingers. “Sure, man. Whatever.”

...

“I need to know what he took so I can try to help him!” the paramedic repeated again in Ed’s face. “I don’t care what it was, I just need to know!”

“I don’t know!”

The guy disappeared, a female EMT moving in to take his place. “Tell me what happened.”

Her voice was soft and even, calming. Ed thought of Anne but he could barely picture her face anymore.

“I—I don’t know.” Tears fell along his cheeks, blurred his vision. “I woke up and came upstairs and he was there. I didn’t know he was—” Ed gasped out a sob, stomach wrenching. “I should have known. I should have known. I should have known.” The words poured out of him without thought and he doubled over gasping for air.

“Okay, okay. Just breathe.”

Breathe, Moon.

“I can’t help your friend if I have to take care of you. Come on, hon, breathe for me.”

...

“I’ll only be a minute,” Ryan said, jumping out of the car and disappearing into the dark.

Ed tapped out the rhythm of the song playing on the radio and he reached out to turn it up.

“We’re good.” Ryan pulled the door closed. “What are you listening to?”

Ed backed the car out. “Just reminding myself how fucked up I am.”

Ryan laughed, holding the cellophane from a cigarette pack up to the light. “You’re a fucking wild one, Eddie.”

“Always.” Ed flicked his headlights on at the end of the road and turned for their house.

...

“Go to the hospital,” Seth was saying as the trooper put him in handcuffs. “Stay with my sister.”

“Okay,” Ed nodded but nothing made sense. “What about you?”

The trooper handed Ed a card. “Call this number after you check on your friend. He’ll have to go to the commissioner first. You have time.”

Ed nodded again, pulling the card from the trooper's hand and staring at it, mind blank. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“Eddie,” Seth shouted at him and Ed looked up at him in the backseat of the cop car. “It’s gonna be alright. Okay?”

“Okay.” He didn’t feel it. He didn’t believe it.

“I love you,” Seth managed before the door was closed between them.

“Okay.”

...

“You hungry?” Ryan asked, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it on the kitchen table as they came through the door “I was gonna make cheese steaks.”

“Yeah, I could eat,” Ed said tucking his keys into his pocket. “I’m gonna go change first.”

The stove ticked and then caught flame, and Ryan leaned over to light his cigarette on it. “Yep,” he said, his back to Ed who was already heading down toward the basement.

Ed sat on the edge of the bed and shot off a text to Seth once he was in his sweats. He didn’t expect an answer, not when Seth was in one of his moods, but at least the asshole would know Ed was home if he wanted to come back there.

He was already so fucking tired.

Tired of partying. Tired of arguing. Tired of existing.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Wouldn’t be the first time he’d thought it though, probably wouldn’t be the last either. He’d be over it by morning, once the aches kicked in and the sickness settled in his bones. Nothing else would matter then, not even his desire to find something better than this piss poor excuse for a life.

...

Ed didn’t remember laying down or falling asleep.

Just that he had woken up— Thank God he had woken up— and everything had changed.

“It’s not your fault, Eddie.”

They kept telling him that but nothing felt real.

“Nobody blames you.”

They didn’t have to, he blamed himself.

“I’m fucking done. We can do this. Together. I’m never touching the shit again. Promise, baby, promise.”

Ed wanted to believe it. Maybe he’d even convinced himself for a while it was true. But the pills were meant to numb the pain and all of him was hurting.

All of it was poison and he needed to get it out.

The drugs made him blank. The cuts made him whole.

The first time he felt the relief of it he thought of what he could have had; wondered if maybe in another universe he’d learned to let the pain go before it had sunk them both.

After a while, his heart wasn’t the only thing left with scars.

Chapter Text

2 years, 11 months, 1 day, 2 hours, 43 minutes

Ed had managed. He couldn’t really say that what he was doing was living, but he was alive. His heart still beat, his lungs still filled with air, his limbs still moved. The things that he had become accustom to doing to keep it that way though, they were survival.

He had long left Seth behind, along with the name and the mistakes that he had made, and returned to the city. Survival was easiest here. More people, easier access to the things that kept him upright, and with the loss of his car to repossession, more places to lay his head and find a hot meal.

It wasn’t as though he was destitute. No, he was perfectly capable of finding work, which he did now and then, and paying for a room with a bed, but he preferred things this way. Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself and the people who had clung onto, unwilling to let him go down without a fight.

Charlie had hung in there for a while, mostly, he would assume, because of Lynn. He was the less understanding of them all though and Ed was able to shuck him off eventually by digging every penny he could from the man. Billy still called, still asked what he needed, sent him money when he could. Ed didn’t expect it would last too much longer now though, seeing as Billy was getting married next year. It was only a matter of time before his new wife would become the priority and insist that Billy cut ties with him. And Ed understood that, he would have done anything for—

Lynn would be the hardest to remove in the end. No matter how hard he pushed, how loud he yelled, how much he demanded, Lynn kept coming back for more. She would give and give of herself until there was nothing left to give, and then Ed would be responsible for ruining her too.

Every now and then Ed would get the inclination to push on the bruise, to see if it still burnt and ached when he gave it a little attention, and he would make his way past the apartment. He didn’t expect to find the person he wanted to there, he knew that ship had sailed years before, but at least there was some comfort in seeing that what he had set out to do, he had accomplished. The windows were always dark, the curb always devoid of a vehicle; it was nothing more than a space, the lights having gone out of the home that had once existed there well before he had arrived.

If asked, Ed would have told you he didn’t think of summers past anymore. He would have pretended not to remember the words to a specific song or the way the carnival lights looked from the top of the Farris Wheel. Ed would say that he hadn’t returned to the Ocean since that summer because he didn’t like crowds. All of it would be a lie in a string of lies that he had been telling himself for almost a decade.

The truth of it was that he thought of it daily. He still dreamed of those nights and wished on stars that were clouded by his own anger. He knew the words to all of the songs, could play them in his head without thinking. He still remembered the feeling of hands held palm to palm, soft sighs against his face, fingers brushing at his temple, and how even he was able to glow in those moments. Ed didn’t hate the crowds or the people or even the beach itself, he hated that the thought of returning was the only thing that could break through the emptiness and make him feel.

So he didn’t think about it. But he did think about him.

Even when he didn’t want to. Even when he tried to push it away, swallow down the name, he thought of the person who had shown him he was worth loving. Even though he didn’t believe it was true.

Ed had been working an under the table construction job for a few weeks the first time he went out for drinks with the other guys. The crew’s regular hangout was a little dive not far from Sparrows Point where the worksite was located. It wasn’t really Ed’s usual scene but it had alcohol and fairly clean bathrooms, so he made do for the sake of having something to do other than wander.

It was a Friday and they had cut out early to get the best seats at the bar, which would fill up quick when five o’clock hit. The guys in the crew were your typical blue collar types whistling and hollering at any passing skirt, a past time Ed didn’t really find appealing and got a lot of shit about during the work day. He took it in stride considering this was only temporary and in a few weeks he would be onto the next thing. The words had never bothered him anyway. Ed had always known that if they were willing to use them, they were probably also willing to bruise their knees.

“Check her out,” one of the guys named Bobby said with a nod of his head and a loud whistle toward a brunette making her way onto a stool at the end of the bar. “Bet those thighs could do some damage.”

The other guys turned to look so Ed did too, tipping his beer back to keep up the illusion.

The woman was petite, her long dark hair pulled back in a high ponytail of waves that obscured her face from view.

“You can’t even see her face, Bob!” Richie laughed. “What if she looks like a fucking rat?”

“Nothing a paper bag can’t fix,” Bobby laughed gruffly. “Ain’t that right, Ed?”

“Sure, man.” Bobby smirked around a swig of his beer as Ed turned back to him with a tip of his bottle. “Can’t afford to be picky when you look like a fucking toad yourself.”

The crew descended into a fit of laughter as Bobby sputtered to find a rebuttal.

“Okay, okay, pretty boy. Since you think you’re a fucking beauty queen, you go find out then,” Bobby pushed. “Ten bucks says she’s a doll and you get shot down.”

“Nah,” Ed shook his head, peeling at the edge of the label on his bottle. He didn’t mind cutting up but there was no sense in making someone feel bad about themselves.

“Twenty if you can get her number,” Andy said, pulling a bill from his wallet and tossing it on the bar in front of them.

Ed eyed the cash. It was pay day but a twenty always did come in handy. Then again, he didn’t really know if he was in the mood for socializing tonight.

“Fifty if you can get her in the bathroom with you,” their foreman Duane offered up, and shit— a fifty could really do some damage later.

Ed drummed his fingers along the neck of the bottle as he glanced down the bar at the brunette who was speaking with the guy next to her. What could it really hurt? He didn’t actually have to do anything to win, just get her out of their sight and claim he did. Maybe he could even throw her something for playing along.

“Alright,” he shrugged, turning back to the guys to down the rest of his beer before slamming it down on the bar top. “Eighty bucks if I pull her and she’s cute?”

Duane slapped him on the back. “You got it boy! But you better hurry. Looks like you got some competition.”

“Excuse me,” Ed cleared his throat sliding in beside the brunette to try and glean her attention from the burly stranger she was speaking with.

The guy stopped mid-sentence to throw him a fuck off look but Ed used the brief pause to make his move, swinging around between them to face the woman.

“Holy shit!” his breath caught.

“Ed?” her voice pitched up in genuine surprise.

“Mary?”

Her eyes went wide with affection, the sadness that he had come to know from her in their years together at college apparent at the corners.

“Oh my God,” she giggled, jumping from her seat to embrace him. “What are the chances?”

Ed heard the gasps and groans from the crew down the bar and the discontented sigh from the guy who he had just interrupted.

Ed hugged her back, something akin to joy spilling over the edges of his unused heart at seeing a friend.

“How are you here?” he breathed into the tickle of her hair against his nose. “I thought—”

“Yeah,” she said, pulling back to meet his eyes. “I thought too.” She smiled brilliantly at him.

“You’re a long way from Connecticut.” He slid a hand to her hip and threw a glance over at the crew who were watching him in stunned interest.

“Business trip,” she said simply, pushing away from him and back into her seat at the bar.

Ed tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “In Sparrows Point?”

Mary waved her hand vaguely. “I needed a break from the corporate chatter at the conference.” He nodded as if he understood what that world was like and Mary nodded over his shoulder at the newly vacated seat. “Bigger question is, what are you doing in Sparrows Point? Weren’t you—”

Ed dropped onto the stool beside her and shook his head. “Not for a long time. I’m back in the city now.”

“That’s amazing!” She took a long drink from her glass and placed it back on the bar. “I had heard—” Ed looked away and she cut herself off. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“I know,” Ed tapped the bar and signaled the bartender for another beer. “Its alright. I’d just rather not—”

She waved her hand again as if to wash away the thoughts. “Of course.”

The bartender put a fresh bottle down in front of him and quiet settled over the old friends for a moment.

“So,” Mary started, quirking an amused smile over at him, “Were you about to hit on me?”

Mary wasn’t stingy and she wanted to get drunk, more so, it seemed, after Ed found her. It did seem to be their routine, two people dipped in sadness who had found a common ground. The drinks poured freely. And in no time at all they were both wearing a shroud of drunken happiness.

Tears spring to Mary’s eyes as she gasped in laughter. “I thought I was going to die in that restaurant. You were such a menace.”

Ed tipped back a shot. “Still a menace. Just less appreciated for it,” he laughed.

Mary sniffed and wiped the tears from her face. “Good times. God,” she breathed, taking her own shot, “we were so young.”

“Didn’t know how good we had it, did we?” Ed’s face hurt from smiling. It was nice, to feel a sense of joy again, even if it was an illusion.

“We didn’t, no.” Their giggling settled and they took a second to catch their breath. “Have you seen him?”

The question caught him off guard and he turned his head to Mary abruptly.

“Stede,” she clarified. “You two were inseparable in school. Have you kept in touch?”

She didn’t know. He’d just assumed that after Europe…

Ed bit down on his lip and looked away. “Ah, no. We were for, uh— a few years.”

“Oh,” her face scrunched in confusion. “I thought maybe since he was in Maryland—”

“What?” Ed about fell off his stool. “He’s—he’s here?”

“Um, yeah. Yeah, he came back home when his father passed to deal with the estate but he didn’t stay.” The shock of emotion must have shown on his face because she continued on quickly. “I just figured he would have reached out.”

“No,” Ed breathed, the floor suddenly having fallen out from under him. The room spun but Ed tried to stand, bracing himself with a hand to the back Mary’s stool to keep from tipping over. “No, fuck.”

 “You alright, Ed?” Mary jumped up beside him, not any steadier on her own feet but slinging an arm out around his waist.

No. He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t even close to anything resembling okay.

Was it better to know Stede was here, had been for years, and hadn’t made a single attempt to reach out, or for him to be here within reach and to have never known at all?

Ed’s stomach plummeted, turning rancid, and he thought he was going to lose its contents right there.

“Feel sick. I need to—” He tried to step forward out of the circle of Mary’s arms and almost went down.

“Whoa, I gotcha. Here,” Mary adjusted herself under his arm and he had a flash of a party— her wrapped in his arms pushing through a crowd. “I’ll help you.”

At least he’d earned his money.

Mary pushed into the men’s room like she belonged there, depositing Ed against the sinks as she practically manhandled a guy out of the door with his dick still out.

Ed splashed his face with cold water, bending his head under the tap to get some in his mouth.

Breathe.

He heard the click of the door lock behind him before Mary was at his side again, her hand rubbing circles into his back. Ed breathed slowly, sipping at the water, willing his stomach out of knots.

They stood like that for a time, how long, he couldn’t say, before he felt like he could stand straight again.

“I’m sorry,” Ed apologized, turning the faucet off and pushing the hair from his face, hip propped against the porcelain. “Got dizzy.”

Mary’s eyes were red and glassy as she stood assessing him.

“You’re sad,” she said finally, and Ed could tell she wasn’t just talking about him.

An ache formed in his throat, tears building pressure behind his eyes, and he swallowed as he felt himself cave. It was like a dam bursting, all of the built up emotions and guilt released in a fit of quiet sobs. He let himself be folded into Mary’s arms, solid and comforting.

“Just let it out. I’m here. I’ve got you,” she whispered words of care into his hair as he cried more than he had in a decade into the crook of her neck. “Its all gonna be fine. I’ve got you. Breathe.”

Breathe.

Ed pulled back, the warmth of something gentle washing over him— Care— as he stared at her.

“I’m not worth it.”

“Worth what?” Her eyes searched his face.

“Kindness.”

Her fingers brushed along the edge of his jaw, pushing away a wayward curl. “Why do you think that?”

“I know it. I’m a shit fucking person. A waste. A monster.”

Her voice was small. “I don’t see a monster, Ed.”

Something kicked hard in his chest, the desire to know, to feel, sparking through the haze.

“What do you see then?”

Mary moved closer. “Pain. Loss. Hope.” Her eyes dropped and she reached up to brush a thumb over his lips when they parted on a quiet gasp. “Beauty.”

His hand shot up to grab her wrist and she froze, gaze drifting back to his.

“I’m sad too,” she murmured. Ed took a breath. “Don’t you just want to feel better for a little while?”

Numb.

To feel something other than empty, even just for a moment.

Ed nodded.

“Maybe we can help each other then.”

Chapter Text

“Moon?”

Words eluded him and the only thing he could manage was a shaky breath.

“Wow! Ed, I—” Stede took a step off the curb toward where he was still sitting on his bike and then stopped. “Look at you!”

Ed looked down at himself, head still reeling. “What about me?”

Stede took another step, inching his way forward as if Ed was an injured animal and he would scare him off if he moved too fast.

“Drops of Jupiter.”

Stede had always talked in riddles, little puzzles that Ed had to solve to get to the bottom of what it was he was trying to say.

“Like the song?”

Stede smiled, taking the last step to close the distance between them. They were so close. It made Ed shiver with the thought that he could simply reach out and touch him if he wanted to.

“The last time I saw you—” Stede paused, assessing his words, eyes flickering over Ed’s face. Ed felt like he couldn’t breathe, like if he did, Stede would vanish in a puff of smoke. “You said you were wrong…I was Saturn.” Stede reached out and grazed a finger over the silver at his temples and Ed’s heart felt ready to beat out of his chest. “I was wrong too. You have drops of Jupiter in your hair.”

A smattering of gray clouds had rolled in, blocking out the sun and something in Ed told him that it was foreshadowing what was to come.

Stede had packed them a lunch, insisting that they would need to eat if they were hiking and he owed Ed for being the one to want to meet. Ed wasn’t really inclined to argue the point that he wanted to see Stede too, so he had let the man carry the backpack onto the trail.

For the way that things had started, Stede seemed quiet as they walked side by side, only making friendly conversation about the weather and what a great choice the refuge was, a nervous energy buzzing around them. Ed patted himself on the back for being able to keep his cool when Stede had touched him, like it was a massive feet of restraint when in reality the thought of moving an inch at that moment had set his stomach into a pit of vipers. Not that he hadn’t wanted to, because he did. Even now as they struggled to find their footing with each other after all these years, Ed found it easy to fall back into loving him so completely it was like they had never been apart.

“So,” Ed started after a rather lengthy silence, “how’s the advertising business?”

“Advertising?” Stede looked over at him in confusion, spinning a leaf between his fingers by its stem. “How would I know?”

Ed pinched his brows together. “Because…it’s your job.”

Stede threw his head back and laughed. “Oh, yes. I’d forgotten about that foray. I haven’t worked in advertising since—” he stopped abruptly, dropping the leaf. “I run a bay cruise now. Out of Charlestown.”

“A Bay cruise? Like…on a boat?”

Stede laughed again. “Yeah, well what can I say… I fell in love with being near the water.”

God, he was still so fucking beautiful.

“That’s not near the water, Stede, that’s in the water.”

Stede nodded, a small smile quirking his lips as he glanced over at Ed. “I suppose you’re right. Although, I spend more time at my house than I do on the actual boats.”

“Boats, plural?” He should have known Stede didn’t do anything halfway.

“A fleet they call it.” Stede smiled with pride, his gaze reflective as he stared into the distance. “I have a crew and everything.”

“Like a pirate,” Ed noted, hoping it would make the dimples in Stede’s cheeks appear again.

He wasn’t disappointed.

“Yeah,” Stede said quietly, smiling over at Ed, “I guess so.”

Ed pulled his eyes away from Stede’s face, watching as he scuffed his boot along the trail. “You’re in Joppa, then?”

“Oh no,” Stede shook his head, “I live in Charlestown. Not far from the marina. Although, I spend quite a bit of time with Mary and Alma there.”

That was an odd way of talking about your second home.

“And Mary doesn’t mind?”

“Of course not,” Stede chuckled. “I think she much prefers me not being nearby.”

Ed narrowed his eyes, hauling his steps. “Nearby? Don’t married couples usually live together ?”

Stede stopped once he realized Ed wasn’t beside him anymore and turned back. “Generally, I would think, but divorced ones usually don’t .”

It took a moment for the words to sink in.

“Divorced? So you and Mary—”

“For about three years now,” Stede nodded, the light from the sun breaking through a cloud reflecting off the diamond in his ear as he did.

Déjà vu.

There was a fluttering behind his ribs.

“So not married?” he asked.

Starlight.

Stede grinned. “Not anymore.”

Ed took a step toward him. “And you— you live in Charlestown alone?”

This isn’t where this was meant to go. They hadn’t even really talked about anything yet.

“All by myself.” Stede took a step closer.

He should be focused on making amends, on talking things through right now but— But how was he supposed to stop now that there was no barrier between them? Nothing that he could ruin or wreck, no anchor weighing them down anymore?

“Star?” Ed whispered, unable to resist the pull of Stede gravity.

Stede reached for him once more and this time there was nothing but butterflies and fucking rainbows.

Ed caught him around the wrist and pulled him in quickly, before he could think too much or lose his nerve.

“Moon—” Stede gasped when their chests collided but Ed didn’t let him finish.

Eleven years he had waited for this moment. Dreamed of it. Craved it. Imagined every scenario. And yet nothing could have compared to the real thing.

Stede was soft and pliant, and he opened to Ed without request, the heat of his mouth unimaginable as he poured himself into Ed. He tasted like summertime— like taffy and Farris Wheels and long nights in the sand; like millions upon millions of wishes that Ed had been whispering to the stars since the day they parted.

Stede was a ghost of the past and hope for the future, and when Ed pressed them closer together with a hand to the back of his neck, Stede made a noise that was nothing short of music.

The melody of them.

Not forgotten, not abandon, but rewritten.

Muscle memory.

Stede pulled back, holding Ed at bay with a hand to his chest as he caught his breath.

“Moon,” he panted, and it was the sweetest sound.

Ed tipped his head forward into Stede’s, the world, the galaxy, the universe spinning out of control around them. So much so that Ed was afraid to open his eyes and find that it was all whimsy.

“Moon,” Stede said again, his voice coming firmer now as he pressed against Ed’s chest, pushing him away.

Ed opened his eyes and forced himself to focus on Stede’s face— Sand and waves and eyes like the Atlantic—

“Ed…there’s something I need to tell you.”

Chapter Text

[Image: photo collage showing broken ice in the background, a photo of auditorium seats and a hanging spotlight overlayed; text reads: January 2004]

Ed had absolutely lost his fucking mind.

What in the holy fuck had he been thinking? This was insane. He wasn’t a fucking performer. He wasn’t even fucking social. What he was though, was in love. Completely and wholly. And goddamn it if he had to make an absolute fool of himself to prove it, then that’s what he was going to do.

He’d spent the entirety of his winter break digging through boxes in the attic and preparing for it, and the moment that he had arrived back on campus he had hunted down Buttons to drop every cent of his Christmas savings in the man’s pocket. He was doing this.

For months prior he had been ducking into every dark corner, taking every long path, keeping his distance from Stede to give him his space, and then it had happened. The thing that he had been trying to avoid. Ed had walked into the café to get his morning expresso before class and there he had been. Ed hadn’t known beforehand that Stede would be there, didn’t expect them to lock eyes across the room, but they had. They had, by sheer coincidence, ended up in the same place at the same time, even with all of Ed’s meticulous planning to keep away. And as if that wasn’t enough of a fucking sign, Stede had smiled. He had looked directly at Ed, and he had fucking smiled at him. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. The tiniest bit of hope that there was still a chance he could drag them back from the abyss he had thrown them into.

So, Ed had switched tactics. If he was going to find a way to win Stede back, he was going to need a plan.

It hadn’t taken much to find out that Stede was assisting with the set design for the student production of Hairspray or that they met on Thursday nights in the auditorium. Ed had made sure that he would be able to access the building before anyone else got there, slipping into the sound booth where he would have a good view of the stage and be out of sight until he was ready. Thankfully, he had thought ahead and gotten a crash course in using the system from one of the techs earlier in the week because there were a lot of fucking buttons (like…a lot of fucking buttons).

He would have exactly sixty seconds to get from the booth to the back of the auditorium. If he fucked up at all, the whole thing would be for shit.

Watching was tedious, and after about the first half hour, Ed made himself comfortable, propping his feet along the edge of the soundboard as he kept a careful eye on Stede below. From a distance, it was hard to see anything in the relatively dark room, only a set of overhead spotlights illuminating the stage, but every time Stede shifted to reach for something or move a prop around, the lights caught his diamond earring and Ed was reassured it was him. Not that he couldn’t have picked those curls out of a lineup half-blind anyway.

It was around 9:30 when things finally started to settle, and the group set to work cleaning up. Ed was bidding his time, waiting for as many of them to trickle out as possible before he made his big entrance, but then Stede disappeared from sight backstage and Ed’s stomach sank with the realization that he was going to have to do this in a room full of people or risk Stede leaving before he could.

Fucking Christ, he really hadn’t thought this through.

Ed pushed the CD into the system just like he’d been shown, fingers poised to crank up the speakers when he was ready.

Stede’s unmistakable laugh echoed over the chatter and Ed glanced up to find him gathering his things in his arms. He was out of time.

A wave of anxiety washed over him. He had to do it now, or not at all.

Fuck it— 

Ed pushed play, sliding the bars up as high as they would go, and took off into the dark.

[Video of the song Dream a Little Dream]

Stars fading…

The chatter fell silent as the first words of the song punched from the auditorium speakers.

But I linger on…

Ed hit the bottom of the metal stairway and hung a quick left, passing behind the storage room below the sound booth.

Still craving your kiss…

His hand dragged along the wall in the dark until he felt the switch and flipped on the single spotlight overhead.

The click echoed in the space as the light sprung to life and the few straggling students on the stage turned in the direction of the sound.

“Ed?” Stede murmured, the soft lines crinkling his forehead in question as he squinted in Ed’s direction.

And I’m longing to linger till dawn…

The metal medallions pinned to the front of his jean jacket clinked together as he shifted forward into place. Stede stared at him wide-eyed, the others breaking into confused whispers around him.

So dream a little dream of me.

Fuck, he hoped this was going to work.

“HEY!!

The 80’s beat dropped and so did Stede’s jaw when Ed grabbed the fedora from atop his head and spun it (badly) in his hands.

Stars shining bright above you

Ed took two steps toward the stage, all eyes on him and the hat fumbled to the floor. He could do this. He was doing this.

Night breezes all seem to whisper I love

He snatched the hat back up and threw a look over to the stage. The corners of Stede’s mouth twitched in amusement. Ed had this.

Birds singing in the sycamore tree

He spun the hat back on his head, reached down to adjust his sleeves, and shifted into the dance he knew by heart. Muscle memory.

Dream a little dream of me

[Video of the scene that inspired Ed's dance from the movie Dream a Little Dream]

Ed dropped to a knee in front of Stede, the music cutting abruptly as the track ended.

“You’re insane,” Stede said, reaching down to pull Ed up by the front of his jacket. “What’re you thinking?”

Stede glanced to the side, assessing the reactions of his peers who were in various states of shock and giggles as they meandered toward the exits, hopeful to see something more.

“I had to do something, Star. I miss you,” Ed panted. Stede ground his teeth together, eyes flickering away. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, leaning into Stede’s ear. “I lov—”

“No,” Stede said, releasing Ed’s jacket and taking a step back. “No, you don’t get to use that as an apology,” he shook his head.

Ed swallowed. “Yeah, no. You’re right,” he nodded at his feet. It was always more likely that things would go this way. It was a stupid idea. He didn’t know why he’d thought Stede would be impressed by a dumb dance. “I didn’t mean—"

“But—”

Ed jerked his head up and Stede looked like he was fighting a serious internal battle, his bottom lip held firmly between his teeth as he chewed over the words in his head. Ed didn’t dare say a thing.

“Maybe…” Stede said slowly. Maybe. “We could talk about it.”

“Yeah?” Ed asked carefully, conscious of each pang of his heart.

Stede nodded once, solemn. “I think so.”

“Yeah, okay,” Ed grinned despite himself and took a step back into Stede’s space. “This is fucking great. We—”

Stede took another step back. “Tomorrow,” he said firmly.

Ed deflated, but fuck— tomorrow was better than never.

He stepped back too. “Tomorrow then. I’ll text you?”

“I have a new number. My dad—” Stede waved around vaguely.

“Right.” Ed nodded. He didn’t want to push but…maybe. “Right, do you wanna—?”

Stede paused to think it over and then nodded.

“Um, yeah. Okay.” He pulled his book bag in his should around and unzipped a pocket, pulling out a blue ink pen. “Give me your hand,” he said, extending his own cautiously.

Ed placed his hand in Stede’s, palm up, and the blonde uncapped the pen with his teeth, leaning forward to scribble down an unfamiliar set of numbers on Ed’s skin.

“It’s a Maryland number,” Ed said, glancing down at it when Stede released his hand.

“I’m a Marylander now,” Stede shrugged, dropping the pen back into its spot.

Ed eyed the number for another second before he looked back up at him. Stede was a Marylander by default, a consequence that came back to Ed’s inability to protect him when he needed it the most.

“I’m sorry, Star,” Ed whispered sincerely.

“I know you are, Ed. We can talk about it tomorrow though. I have—” he pointed over his shoulder. “I need to go now.”

“’Course, yeah.” Ed shoved his hands into his pockets to keep himself from trying to reach for Stede as he backed away toward the stairs.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

 “Text you tomorrow,” he called out pointlessly when the blonde reached the doors, turning back with a quick wave before pushing out into the chilly January evening.

[Last four Images are a Nokia 3310 phone screen (backlit green) with text messages as follows: Ed to Stede "morning"; stede to ed "cafe at noon?"; ed to stede "ok".]

[Video: lyric video of Nora Roberts song Don't Know Why]

[Image: interior of a cafe with a long rectangular wooden table to the right and a small circular wooden table to the left in the foreground. In the background we see a small square wooden table and a counter with four stools setting in front of a window that looks out onto a city street with red brick buildings]

Ed got there early. His hands shook with anxiety as he placed their normal order and transferred the cups to the table. The same table that they had been sitting at together when Stede had made the offer for them to start over and Ed had made it as friends. Was that what Stede would want for them now? If it was, Ed would take it. These months without him in Ed’s life at all had been torture, so he would devour whatever it was that Stede was willing to give him until he could prove himself again.

And he would prove himself. Maybe not worthy of forgiveness, but worthy of the privilege of being allowed to love him. He would do it right this time to. No fuck ups. He would be anything and everything Stede needed because that’s what he deserved. He just needed Stede to get here so that he could tell Ed exactly what those things were.

The music played over the quiet din of the café patrons around him, individuals and couples and groups, all conversing and laughing over their steaming cups. Ed had positioned himself in his usual spot, back to the door so he wasn’t constantly distracted by the comings and goings of the café and could give Stede his undivided attention. The placement just made him completely on edge though as he sat alone awaiting Stede’s arrival. Every ring of the bell over the door made the hair on the back of his neck stand up with anticipation.

He tried to focus on what he was going to say, how he was going to explain his behavior. It wasn’t an excuse really, more of an explanation of why he had done what he’d done, but no matter what combination of words he came up with, every sentence tasted bitter in his mouth. They weren’t lies, but even saying the truth felt like the wrong thing to do. It didn’t matter that he had convinced himself of untrue things, or he hadn’t seen the emails. Stede didn’t want to hear about the bleak spiral he had sent himself on during the summer, or how it had led him to make some of the worst choices of his life, ultimately culminating with the fall into bed with Jack. None of it was sufficient in reasoning to explain what he had been trying to accomplish.

Nor did Ed have the language to explain the things that he had been feeling in those first few weeks after Stede had “disappeared”. Sad wasn’t enough of a qualifier but broken felt like an accusation. Drowned, torn open, crushed. They were all just words that pointed at the fact that Ed couldn’t figure out how to handle his emotions, and he needed Stede to know that he could do better; that what had happened before wasn’t going to happen again because he would be able to wrangle those thoughts and feelings into a box and lock them away before they became an issue.

He could do that too. He had to do it, if he wanted to be able to keep Stede in his life. Or, rather, have Stede come back into it. Ed had to be strong. He had to prove that, when it really mattered, Stede could count on him to be there, to be a rock, to protect him in the way that he had promised that he would because that was really where he had failed.

If he hadn’t been so wrapped up in feeling sorry for himself, maybe he would have thought to check his emails or attempted to reach Stede on ICQ and found his messages. He should have been more focused on what could have been going wrong (what had gone wrong) than jumping to conclusions. Then he would have been there when Stede’s father had found out and he could have done something, anything, to try and fix it.

[Image: small brass bell mounted to a door frame]

The bell rang again, and Ed sipped at his coffee trying to will the warmth into his bones to ease some of the shivers.

“Hey. You already ordered?”

Stede came into view in Ed’s periphery, pulling the bag off his shoulder to sling it over the back of the chair opposite Ed before dropping down into it.

“Yeah,” Ed slid his coffee onto the table and pushed at the cup for Stede. “Got you the uzh.”

Stede looked hesitant, but reached out and took the took the cup anyway. “Thanks.” He took a careful sip, humming around the edge of his cup. “Been a while since I had this,” he explained when he saw Ed watching him. “Missed it.”

“I missed you,” Ed said automatically in response, regretting it almost immediately when Stede looked away from him. “Sorry. It kinda just slipped. I won’t— anymore.” Stede glanced back over at him, and Ed held up a hand. “Promise.”

Stede took him in, eyes shifting quickly between Ed’s. “I missed you too, Ed.” The words were soft, his voice trembling as he spoke them then took in a quick breath. “But seeing you hurts.”

Ed couldn’t say that he related, but he could understand why it was true.

“I’m sorry.” Sorry for making you hurt. Sorry for what I did. Sorry for not knowing how to fix it.

“I don’t want you to be sorry, Ed.” Something flashed in Stede’s eyes. “I want you to stop doing it.”

Maybe.

His first instinct was to argue that he had been hurting too and to try and explain away what he had done, but he had already determined that it wasn’t a productive use of their time together. Not unless Stede specifically asked.

He nodded instead. “That’s fair—”

“No, it’s not really. It’s not fair at all,” Stede said full of conviction. “It’s not fair that I have to sit here and debate myself over what’s the right thing to do because even though I’m furious with you, I can’t unlove you. And that’s really not fair to me at all, is it?” He snatched his coffee from the table and took a long gulp of it.

Ed didn’t know how to respond to that. “I—”

“Yes, you.” Stede put the cup down roughly. “I know that I’m not perfect, Edward, I’ve made plenty of my own mistakes in this—Christ, sitting here right now could be one of them! But what you did—”

“I thought that you left me, Stede!” The words rushed from his mouth before he could stop them. “And I get that it’s not an excuse for being with Rackham—"

“Rackham?” Stede narrowed his eyes at Ed. “I’m not pissed about fucking Jack!” He sat forward in his seat, lowering his voice. “Yeah, it felt like shit seeing you with him. In my bed no less. But that’s not what all of this is about.”

Ed stared at him dumbfounded. “What’s it about then?”

“It’s about the fact that you ghosted me for weeks and then after everything went down, you didn’t make a single fucking attempt to reach out to me!” Stede whisper yelled at him across the table.

“I was giving you space,” Ed whisper yelled right back. “Plus, you didn’t try to reach out to me either.”

“Because I was waiting for you!” Stede hissed louder than he must have meant because he drew back quickly looking around.

“How was I supposed to know that, Stede?” The blonde turned back to him. “You tossed a goodbye in my face and stormed out of my dorm before my brain could even catch up with what was happening. What was I supposed to think?”

“You were supposed to know that I wanted you to follow me,” Stede said in a rush before pausing to take a breath. His voice was calmer when he spoke again. “That’s what you do when you love someone.”

The pain on his face made Ed ache all the way down to his cells. He was right. Ed should have followed him. He had fucked up twice in one night.

Ed ran a hand over his face trying to will some sense into what he said next. This was his only chance to say the right thing.

“I do love you, Star. I love you more than I have ever loved anything in my life. You are everything.” Stede huffed, closing his eyes as if he couldn’t bear to see Ed speaking to him, but it was all-or-nothing time, and Ed had nothing left to lose here. He reached across the table and grabbed Stede’s hand. “You are literally my reason for breathing, Stede.” Stede opened his eyes and Ed gripped his hand tighter. “I’m not asking you to forgive any of the things that I’ve done. I’m not even asking for you to take me back. Just don’t— don’t give up on me completely. If I have to love you from a distance to earn your trust again, please let it be from a few feet away and not miles between us.”

“Ed—”

“I can be whatever you need me to be. Friends, classmates, it doesn’t matter. I just can’t do this without you. I know that all of this was my fault. I should have known. I should have known that something was wrong, because I know you, Star.” He couldn’t stop. He could barely take a breath. All of his thoughts were a jumbled up mess, falling from his mouth in rapid succession as he held tight to Stede who was looking at him with tears welling. Maybe. “I was just so scared. Scared to find out what I had done to make you go, scared to lose you, scared to have to face this world alone. Being without you is like suffocating—”

“Edward—”

“I don’t know how I made it for the first 18 years of my life not knowing you existed. The moment I saw you I just knew. You lit up the night because you shine so brightly. A star. The brightest one, pointing me somewhere I never thought I would go. My star. My supernova—”

“Moon!”

Stede put his free hand over theirs clasped together on the table and the fog of thoughts cleared Ed’s mind. He snapped his mouth closed and tried to focus his eyes on Stede across from him but everything was blurry.

“Breathe,” Stede said, his own hand tightening.

Ed looked down at where their hands were linked between them and it hit him all at once that Stede wasn’t pulling away. They were sitting in a room full of people, holding hands where everyone could see them, and Stede wasn’t pulling away.

“Our hands,” Ed gasped, watery with emotion.

“There isn’t anyone to hide from anymore. At least not here.”

“What’s that mean?” Ed felt like his chest was going to cave in. He tried to take in air but he couldn’t tell if it was working. “What does that mean, Star?”

Stede swiped at Ed’s face with his free hand, brushing away the wetness that Ed hadn’t even realized was there, and his perfect face came into clear view.

“It means…” Stede looked between his eyes, “we have a lot of work to do. Both of us. But now we have the freedom to do it our way. Together.”

There was no further to sink.

The bottom was as far as you could go and he was there.

It was darkness and pain, numbed by an addiction that he couldn’t shake, amplified by the drugs he had to take to stay functional.

It was waking up with bruises and regret, on a mattress on the floor of a house that didn’t belong to him, and not having the strength to run for the door.

It was having his every path to freedom blocked by the same person he kept going back to for comfort because when it was good, it was really good. But when it was bad, it couldn’t get any worse.

Ed had made a promise and he had kept it. Even in the silence of night when his body ached and his eyes burned, and all he wanted to do was reach for the person he knew could cure it all. He had kept his distance, not just in physical proximity but in his thoughts, across the wireless spaces that he knew could connect them together.

His name was not allowed to be uttered. No pictures or tangible memories allowed to exist. Ed had managed to hold onto a single photo when the purge had happened, captured between the pages of a book that he knew his captor would never touch. He didn’t dare take it out to look at it, not unless he wanted to spend the night in a screaming match or worse, but knowing it was there brought a solace to the hell he had created.

Also stashed away was a phone, hidden in the ceiling tiles of the bathroom and switched off. One day he would need it, whether to call for help or say goodbye, he didn’t know.

What he did know then was, he had made the right decision. The monster that lived in him thrived here. This was the life he deserved after everything he had done.

Call it karma. Call it fate. Call it what you will, the name didn’t matter. What mattered was that he had done one single thing right in his life, and it was walking away just in the nick of time.

**Bridge**

They say that you have three great loves in your life: your first love, your intense love, and your unconditional love.

Ed had found his first love by chance, when he wasn’t looking for it, sweet as taffy and warm as a summer’s breeze, and he had left it on the beach.

In college, he was lightning-struck by the love he found, going down fast and searing, breathless and consumed, and he had set it on fire.

A lifetime later, in the middle of the woods, as Ed gazed at the first two loves of his life encapsulated in the same perfect form, he was about to understand the meaning of unconditional.

Chapter Text

They say that you have three great loves in your life: your first love, your intense love, and your unconditional love.

Ed had found his first love by chance, when he wasn’t looking for it, sweet as taffy and warm as a summer’s breeze, and he had left it on the beach.

In college, he was lightning-struck by the love he found, going down fast and searing, breathless and consumed, and he had set it on fire.

A lifetime later, in the middle of the woods, as Ed gazed at the first two loves of his life encapsulated in the same perfect form, he was about to understand the meaning of unconditional.

***

“Ed…there’s something I need to tell you.”

Somewhere in the distance thunder rumbled, the air becoming stagnated and electrified. There was a storm coming.

Ed let him go.

Stede pointed back in the direction they had come. “Maybe we should sit—”

“I don’t want to sit.”

Ed could hear the cold cut of his voice and watched the small flinch in Stede’s demeanor. He shifted his feet, looking apologetic, and Ed knew that whatever was coming was about to end this before it ever had the chance to start again.

“There’s a storm, Ed,” Stede tried to reason with him.

“Say what you came here to say, Stede.”

Stede looked torn but nodded, “I think it’s best if I start at the beginning.” His voice was smaller than Ed had ever heard it before, fear threaded at the edges.

Ed crossed his arms over his chest to protect his heart and when he thought he was ready, even though deep down he knew he never would be, he gave Stede a nod to go on.

“I’ve known where you were the whole time.” Ed felt sick instantly. “I—” Stede sucked in a breath. “After you left in 07 I followed you the way anyone could in those days— the internet, word of mouth— Izzy was a big help for a while in tracking down where you might be.”

Stede paused, glancing at Ed for permission to keep speaking, but he was frozen in time. Stede nodded once, turning his eyes to the ground, and started pacing before he continued.

“It was harder then to know what was true. Most of the information I had was from people who had ran into you somewhere or heard through the grapevine. I took most of it with a grain of salt. That is, until 2009, when your name was right there in black and white in the paper. Then, well…” he scratched at the back of his head, hand ruffling the golden curls, “I knew that a lot of what I had heard over the years was true.”

His pacing ceased and he looked over at Ed, but Ed knew that wasn’t all of it. He needed to hear the whole thing before he decided how to respond.

“Go on,” he prompted.

The sky was darkening quickly and the wind picked up, kicking up a flurry of leaves around them.

“We should go back to my car,” Stede raised his voice over the approaching thunder, pulling the collar of his jacket up around his neck. “I’ll tell you the whole story, let’s just—”

“No.” Ed didn’t know that he could be in a confined space with him right now. It had been a long time since he’d felt anger this hot burning under his skin. “We stay here until I hear it all.”

A clap of thunder sounded overhead and the sky finally broke open, rain pouring down and drenching them instantly.

Stede pushed at the hair plastered to his forehead with a sigh and stepped closer.

“Then you showed up at my door in 2011. I was sure that it was because you knew. But you— you didn’t say anything about it. And we—” He swallowed the words back down like he was afraid what they would bring. “And I knew I couldn’t tell you. That you weren’t ready to hear it yet. So I lied.” Ed ground his teeth together, jaw clenching, but he said nothing. “I told you I was happy with Sam, asked you to stay away, even though it was the last thing I wanted. Sam and I had broken up a month before—”

Fuck breathing!

Rage burned and Ed couldn’t hold back any longer. “You’re telling me that I’ve spent the last decade thinking I destroyed your relationship, beating the shit out of myself for ruining your happiness, and it was all bullshit?”

“It’s more complicated than that, Ed.”

Ed threw his hands out, water cascading down his arms. “It’s been complicated from day one, Stede. Nothing between us was ever going to be easy. But that doesn’t mean—”

“And it never was with you!” Stede cut him off, yelling over the storm. “It was one thing after another and I did the best I could but I couldn’t—I couldn’t put them in that situation. I had to be all in and I couldn’t have done that with you around. It was them or you.”

Again with the fucking riddles. Ed was over it, he needed Stede to say what he meant for once. “Them? Them who, Stede?”

“My family, Edward!” Stede shook out his limbs in frustration and Ed dropped his arms. “Mary. And Alma. They needed me. And after everything I knew about you…I needed to know you were better before I let you back into my life. Into our lives.”

Stede wasn’t wrong but it didn’t change the fact that Ed had spent half of his life feeling guilt and remorse, trying to make amends for something he never did.

“You didn’t know shit! And you didn’t even fucking try! You just— just let me walk right back out of your life thinking I was the fucking villain!” he spat, the sound of his voice rolling together with another clap of thunder.

“I had to make you go, Ed. I had to see if you would find me again. It was the only way to know for sure.” Stede’s voice cracked as he spoke and lightning split the sky behind him.

“How so?” Ed growled, the well of emotions in his filled to its limit and ready to overflow. “Please enlighten me!”

“You promised,” Stede breathed, moving in closer. Ed could see him shiver but he resisted the instinct to reach for him. “You promised me you would stay away and I knew you would keep that promise until you believed you weren’t going to hurt me.”

Ed laughed dismissively, not believing what he was hearing. “You could have at least told me, Stede. Could of messaged or called Anne, or Christ— written a fucking letter! Just so I knew. So, I had some type of closure before I fucking found out you—you married Mary fucking Allamby!”

“I did it for you!!”

Stede’s voice echoed through the trees and Ed backed away from him.

“What the fuck do you mean you—”

“September 2010.”

Ed narrowed his eyes at him. “September—? Stop with the cryptic fucking messages and—”

“SHE’S YOURS, MOON!! Alma is yours.”

“No— that’s not—”

Ed fled back down the path, head in a tailspin. It was impossible. Stede was lying! He didn’t know why or what this served to prove, but it couldn’t be true.

It couldn’t.

“When Mary’s father found out she was pregnant he threatened to have her removed from everything and put out on her own.” Stede trailed behind, unwilling to let Ed go without hearing the rest of what he had to say. He was on a mission at this point and even the retreating figure of his former lover wasn’t enough to deter him apparently. “She was in her second trimester when she called and asked me to help her figure out what to do. She wanted me to help find you, but you weren’t in any state to take care of a child. You could barely take care of yourself.” He grabbed Ed’s arm, pulling him to a stop in the mud. Ed tried to shake him off but the bastard was still fucking strong, so he rounded on him instead. He didn’t even flinch. “So I did the only thing I could think to do, and broke it off with Sam and proposed to her.”

Ed stared at him, the rain stinging his eyes. “You what?”

Stede dropped his arm. “Marrying for love isn’t necessarily acceptable, but it was better than a bastard child as far as they’re all concerned. And there was no way the Badmintons were going to go along with it to save face for the Allambys. It was the only choice.”

Stede’s eyes were pleading with him to understand but Ed didn’t want to understand, he wanted to leave. He wanted to scream. He wanted to drive his bike 100 miles per hour down the highway and hope it didn’t follow him home.

He kept listening.

Stede pushed the water out of his eyes and locked them on Ed’s face. “I met the stipulations of my father’s will and received my inheritance, something I had been willing to give up before but—” Another crack of thunder shuddered the forest floor as a bolt of lightning lit the sky. Stede moved in close, his body almost convulsing with the cold, but he pressed on, voice growing more desperate. “Alma didn’t have to want for anything, Ed. I was able to give her a good life. And—” Stede’s eyes welled, but Ed couldn’t tell the difference between tears and rain.

It was plausible. The whole thing. But Ed wasn’t willing to part with his denial just yet.

“No,” he said firmly, waving a hand through the air to try and push the very thoughts from entering his head. “No, Anne would have told me.”

“She doesn’t know. Nobody knows outside of the families.” Ed shook his head and turned back toward the parking area. “When you showed up in her program she called me, yes,” Stede said from behind him, still following, “but she didn’t know. I knew if I told her you would find out and I couldn’t risk it. Shortly after I went offline, changed our numbers.”

“Promised who? Who did you promise to do all this for?”

Ed skidded to a stop and turned, Stede almost slamming into his chest. “You asked her to let me stay?”

“Yes. So she could get you the help you needed. So that one day…I’d hoped—”

He’d hoped? Stede had just hoped that Ed would be able to figure his shit out and would come crawling back from the pits of fucking hell to— what? To thank Stede for leaving him stranded in the middle of the ocean while he lived the life they had always dreamed of with someone else?

“You lied to me!” Ed roared, and this time Stede did flinch away, hands raised in surrender. “Ten years, Stede!”

“I—did it for you, Moon!” Stede stamped his foot in frustration.

“Oh, fuck you, Stede, it wasn’t for me. It was for you! So you didn’t have to look at me, drowning in my own despair, and feel helpless to do anything about it,” Ed hissed.

“That’s not true,” Stede murmured, looking stricken by the words. “I’ll admit, I had selfish intentions in wanting to have a little piece of you to love, but it was never because I had written you off.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me before now?!” Ed yelled over the pounding of his own heart.

“Because you weren’t ready!”

“FUCK YOU!!” Ed screamed, the weight of the last hour bearing down on him suddenly with the multitude of revelations. He had missed out on a decade! Not just with Alma, but of his life, and maybe if he had just known— if Stede had just been honest with him that night in 2011— it could have been the thing that saved him. “Fuck you for making that decision for me!”

“Like all the ones you made for me?” Stede said, weary and without missing a beat, and Ed felt like he’d been slapped. “I learned from the best. You said you did it to protect me from you. Well, I did it to protect her from you.”

The rain slowed, each drop tapping out a somber rhythm into the canopy.

“Ed, please,” Stede whispered as if his voice would be too big in the quiet aftermath. “Say something. Please.”

Every muscle in his body wanted to wrap Stede back into his arms and pretend that none of this had happened. But it had. And Stede’s face was the proof that Anne had been right, as she always was. They weren’t the same people they were. They’d had a lifetime of memories and choices and mistakes, all of which had molded them into something new. They didn’t know each other anymore.

Now they had this too. This momentous thing that both bonded them together and put a wall between them.

Ed kept his eyes on the ground and pushed away the soaked, wind-whipped hair from his face. “I have to go now.”

“Ed, no. Please, don’t go yet. We can figure this out.”

He could hear the shattering of Stede’s heart across the distance between them. A sound he had become familiar with twenty years before when he’d left Stede standing alone at the edge of the ocean. A star he would have to walk away from one last time.

“Goodbye, Stede.”

Chapter Text

“Text the man back, Ed,” Anne insisted as they walked together through the downtown crowd toward Division Street for the flag-raising.

Overnight Salisbury had become the epitome of Pride month, looking like a rainbow had thrown up all over the streets. Storefronts displayed Pride flags that they wouldn’t be caught dead within their windows the month before and the bars were hosting drag shows, flamboyantly advertised on their social media. Ed wasn’t for “rainbow capitalism” but it was nice to have something to take his mind off the last few days. Even if Anne wouldn’t shut up and let him secretly wallow in peace.

“Nah,” Ed dipped his spoon into his Gelato and shoved a giant bite into his mouth, “don’t think I will.”

Stede had only waited about an hour before he started calling that day. Ed was thankful Stede had at least waited until he made it home before he started to blow him up, it would have been infuriating and unbearable to feel the vibration of his cell the entire ride back to town. At least the asshole had a little bit of common decency.

The calls had continued for hours, well past Ed’s dinner of nachos and salsa (followed by a container of Mint Chocolate Cookie, because nutrition was for people who didn’t just find out they had a secret daughter with their ex-boyfriend’s wife) and scalding hot shower. Then the texts had started. Just a simple three, but they were enough for Ed to feel like he was walking the fine line of a nose dive and he had called Anne in a panic, spilling the details of the day. She was empathetic and kind, although her own shock was clear even through the phone, and she had gotten him through the worst of it.

Today, however, she had some other things to say.

“You’re being kind of a dick about the whole thing,” she said pulling a piece of soft pretzel from the bag in her hands.

Ed was, and honestly, he felt justified in being a huge fucking dick about it, which was an unreasonable thing to say to Anne if he intended to move past the conversation.

“Am not. I’m keeping to my boundaries,” he repeated the phrase he had heard from her a hundred times by now.

Anne rolled her eyes at him, cheek filled with pretzels as she chewed. “What you’re being is fucking stupid. You’ve been in love with him more than half your life and you’re going to throw it all away over this one thing.”

She said the word thing like she wasn’t referring to an actual human child who had been hidden from him.

“That thing is my daughter who I didn’t know existed for eleven years because of him.”

“You’re a goddamn drama queen, Edward. A petty fucking bitch, if I ever met one, and I’ve known many.” He raised an eyebrow, keeping his line of sight focused ahead of him as he shoveled more sweets into his mouth. Anne sighed in that tone of hers that meant she was exhausted with his bullshit. And so soon too. “You need to talk to him.”

Ed buried the spoon into his cup, shaking his head. “He took eleven years from me, Anne. That’s time I can’t get back.” He wiped the corners of his lips with the napkin in his hand and then wrapped it back around his cup. “I have nothing to say to him.”

“Have you considered, maybe, that he actually gave you something?” Anne asked, casual as anything, taking another bite of her food.

Guess they were talking about it.

“What did he give me, huh?” Ed asked, matching Anne’s tone as they rounded the corner onto Division. “Other than a decade of sleepless nights and an unhealthy obsession with cowboys?”

“I’m ignoring the cowboy comment.”

Maybe she could just ignore the whole thing and they could get back to enjoying their night.

Ed smirked. “Muscles. Riding. Chaps. Just fucking in wagons and eating their beans.”

“A chance, Edward.” No such luck. She had entered her all-knowing state and she wasn’t going to be distracted from teaching him a fucking lesson apparently. Anne edged along the sidewalk and dropped down on the curb, pointing toward the flagpole. “He gave you a chance to be here now.”

Ed grunted his most irritated sigh and took his place next to her. “Maybe she would have been my reason 5 years sooner if I’d known.”

She looked over at him with something akin to disappointment and Ed’s stomach dropped. She wanted him to take this seriously and he was, as stated, being a dick about it.

“And maybe you had to hit the bottom before you could come back up,” she pointed out, tone cold and direct, and Ed felt all his bravado leave him. “We’ll never know. You’ve talked all these years about your regret for dragging Stede under with you. Would you have risked dragging her down too?” No, he wouldn’t have. He would have tucked tail and ran, just like he had with Stede every time he got scared. “You had to get clean for you. Nobody else was ever going to be able to save you. Not Stede. Not her.”

Goddamn it, did she literally always have to be right? He just wanted to eat fucking Gelato and hang out, and now he was sitting on the curb surrounded by rainbows crying and having fucking epiphanies.

Anne grabbed his face in both her hands, swiping her thumbs over the tears tracing down his cheeks. “And you did do it, baby,” she told him with a gentle pride in her voice. “You did that all on your own. Now you have the opportunity to do this together.”

“I’ve missed so much already. She—She doesn’t even know me.”

Anne dropped her hands and smiled. “But she has the chance to because you’re still here.”

“Fuck, Anne!” Ed scrubbed at his face and Anne shifted around to face him fully.

“Ed, you’re allowed to be mad at him. Hell, you should be fuckin furious! But you should also be grateful. You need to find a way to forgive him. He didn’t do it to hurt you. He did it because he loved you. Still does. If a commitment like that speaks to anything, it’s to something unconditional.”

A loudspeaker kicked on and the voice of the announcer came squealing over it.

“C’mon,” Anne said, standing to toss her trash in a nearby bin.

“Where we going?” Ed asked, thankful for the reprieve.

Anne held a hand down to him and he took it, letting himself be pulled back to his feet. “Heard there’s a rainbow crosswalk around here somewhere. Thought maybe we could find it.”

Thunder rolled, lightning crashing on the horizon, and Ed could feel the soft press of a hand in his own, warm and familiar, anchoring him to the place between the waking world and dreaming. He’d had this dream many times, always knowing that it was Stede at his side, a buzzing energy of emotion, but now there was something new. Someone new. He hesitated to look, but he could feel them there. Their energy was different, strange, but not unwelcome. Something swelled in him— fear, curiosity, indecision— but it lacked the strangling weight he had felt around his neck his whole life.

The smell of salt water taffy filled his lungs, and over the rushing of the great storm came the sounds of the ocean, calm and soothing. It had been far too long since he’d let himself take joy in the waves and sand, and he knew, this storm would be the last here. Another hand reached for his own and while fear still gripped him, looking into the unknown, he accepted it gratefully.

Edward woke this morning with the imprint of a new dream pressed to the insides of his eyelids and for the first time in a long time, he didn’t have to blink them from his sight. He came into the waking world with a renewed sense of purpose to drag himself through this, to find a way past it, like he had done with so many other things for the entirety of his life. It was going to be work and it wouldn’t be instant gratification, but there was hope simmering in the corners of his mind.

He still didn’t know that he was ready to forgive, even if it was for him and not Stede, but the thing about forgiveness was it didn’t have to come all at once. The fractured splinters of his emotions were still raw to the touch, a complex labyrinth that he would need to navigate and patch back together before he could move forward again, but it didn’t feel impossible. There was hope there too, that in time, maybe they could return to something close to what they had once been.

The smell of coffee filled the house, the machine gurgling to a stop over the kitchen radio playing Stereo Hearts. Coffee at noon was generally reserved for days in the fall when the weather called for warmth, but today felt like it fit the criteria as well. Over the last few days, between meetings and handling crises, Ed had dredged the mud of his soul looking for the thing that had given him strength in the past. And the thing that he kept coming back to was Stede.

Not Stede in the flesh, obviously, but the idea of him. What Ed was realizing now though, was that the idea of Stede was a farce, something that he had held onto in his worst times to light the smallest of sparks to keep him going. That wasn’t who Stede was though, not now and not in 2002. The Stede that he had built up in his mind for the last twenty years was an archetype of what Ed thought perfection was. But like Ed, Stede wasn’t perfect, he was human, and he had made bad choices and mistakes just like everyone else.

Ed poured too much creamer into his coffee (some things will just never change) and pulled a carton of eggs from the fridge, intent on making himself a late breakfast when he heard the drop of the mailbox lid and quick rap on his front door. There shouldn’t be anything big getting delivered today. Not unless he had gone on a 3:00 a.m. shopping spree he didn’t remember about. Not like it would be the first time. He made a mental note to check his account balance for charges.

“Hey, Nils,” Ed called to his awkward, yet strangely hot, Swedish postal worker, with a wave as he stepped out into the porch.

The man gave him a toothy grin and wave in return before pulling away from the curb, leaving Ed alone with the neatly wrapped package tied up with twine.

Maybe he shouldn’t have been surprised by the winding scroll of his name across the top of the box and how it triggered a nostalgic skip of his heart, but he found his breath caught in his throat at the sight of it and backed into the house quickly before his neighbors had something to gossip about.

He tossed the haphazardly onto the kitchen counter as if it would burn him if he held it too long, and stared at it in abject horror from across the room.

What was this? Was Stede sending him gifts to try and get Ed to talk to him? That would be a very Stede thing to do, but it also burned him up to think that Stede thought he could be bought.

His first instinct was to throw it in the trash, his blood boiling with all of the scenarios he was producing in his head, picturing Stede packing the box up with trinkets he knew Ed would like, cackling like a cartoon villain at his own slyness. It only took a minute for the ridiculousness of that image to settle in though, and Ed reached for his phone to call Anne instead, knowing that he both needed and would loathe her advice on the matter.

“Open it.”

“You say that like I can just…open it,” Ed whined, coffee mug in hand as he circled his kitchen island.

“You know, sometimes I regret being your friend,” Anne told him, the clinking of billiard balls echoing in the background.

“Where are you?” Ed leaned in inspecting the handwriting on the box again as if it was going to morph into something less threatening.

“Bank Shots,” she said distractedly. “Marie has a tournament today.”

Ed drew back and sipped at this mug, eyes never leaving the suspicious package. “She winning?”

“Fucking Christ, Ed. You called me about this. Stop trying to ignore it and just open the goddamn box. And yes, she is, which I’m missing because I’m on the phone debating boxes with you. So, goodbye—”

“Wait!” Ed pushed his coffee onto the end of the counter and pulled open a drawer. “What if it’s a gift horse?”

“Then don’t look it in the mouth.” Anne sighed and he heard her shifting the phone to her other hand. “He doesn’t need a gift horse, Ed. He’s been inside your walls since 2002.” Ed grabbed the pair of scissors from the back of the drawer and held them against the counter. “This isn’t a war though. Open the box. I’ll be home around five if you need to come by.”

Ed nodded, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Anne repeated. “I love you. You got this.”

“Love you too,” Ed murmured, turning back to what he could only assume was Pandora’s box sitting on his island before ending the call.

Ed sliced open the twine, pulling it delicately from around the brown paper wrapping and discarding it off to the side. Next came the paper, revealing a normal cardboard shipping box taped closed along the seam. Ed drew the edge of the scissors along the tape slowly, watching as the pieces frayed and pulled apart, revealing the opening.

Inside, set atop an enormous amount of packing bubbles, was a plain white envelope with his name in Stede’s handwriting once more.

Ed closed the black Summer 2002 journal and pushed it aside trying to collect his thoughts. In the five years they were together, he had never thought to ask Stede once about that summer, too focused on trying to maintain what they had in the moment. It was a lot. A lot to see Stede’s feelings right there in black and white, in a way that Ed couldn’t deny or excuse away.

Stede had loved him from the beginning.

Even as he questioned Ed’s intent and blamed himself for their ruin long before there was anything to ruin. Stede saw Ed as his destiny, in the same way that Ed had seen them as cosmic. They had been on the same wavelength since the moment they had met and neither of them had known it because they were both too scared to speak for fear of shattering something so fragile.

Ed glanced at the clock and then back into the box, giving a quick count of the journals that lay inside. He could stop here, process what he had learned from the first, and pick up again tomorrow. At this rate though, it would take him weeks to get through all of them, and really he had wasted enough time already.

He reached in, grabbing the next on top, and placed it in front of him on the table. If he was going to do this, he was going to need another cup of coffee and some Oreos.

The sound of the journal hitting the wall was like a gunshot in the quiet space. Ed was seething, heart pounding in his ears as he stared at the mangled corpse of the journal across the room.

What was the point of this? What had Stede intended for him to gain from digging back into their past? It was like tearing open old wounds just to see if they could still bleed.

He had spent so much time putting those parts of his life behind him, pushing them to the recesses of his mind after processing the darkness that had been born of his mistake, to have all of it drudged back up and proved worthless. Every new page of information just served as evidence that he had been right to walk away from Stede on that path. There was too much time and distance between them, an ocean of mistakes that they had both made and changed the landscape of who they were. Ed didn’t feel like he knew this person at all, the one in the pages of the journal who had admittedly tried to manipulate and lie— and yes, these are the same things that Ed had grappled with for years; the exact same mistakes that he had made and regretted, and had hoped to make amends for, but they weren’t his Stede.

The understanding of this had hit him days prior, but somehow seeing it written in Stede’s hand, from the perspective of the man he had known then, somehow hit differently. Ed could wrap his head around the image of 38-year-old Stede not being the person he thought in the past, but imagining 18-year-old Stede as that imperfect person in those moments was a slash to his heart.

How was he supposed to know these things and be able to move on enough to reconcile even something as simple as a mutual fucking understanding between them?

It felt impossible. It felt useless. It felt empty.

“What do I do from here?” Ed gathered up the journals from the kitchen counter and tossed them back into the box haphazardly. “I don’t know that I want to know everything. I think that everything there was to say has been said at this point.”

“Because everything up until now has been about the two of you. The journals, the heartbreak, the years of pining—”

“Wasn’t pining,” Ed murmured over Anne’s voice coming through the phone.

“You were pining,” Anne asserted, and Ed rolled his eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes at me.”

One of these days he was going to figure out how the fuck she did that.

“Okay, fine.” He opened the refrigerator and dug around for something to eat. It was well past dinner time and he had spent the entirety of his day knee-deep in his feelings. He needed to eat.

“Maybe there was some pining. It’s gone now though.” Anne hummed noncommittally into his ear. “It’s all…annoyance and fury now.” Ed gave up the hopeless search for food in his half-empty fridge and pushed the door closed, moving to the pantry.

“Sure, you seem real furious.”

“I am,” he insisted, selecting a pack of Ramen from the pantry shelf. “And that’s why I’ve decided that you were wrong and I’m not doing this.”

“Edward, you’re acting like a petulant child right now,” Anne scolded. “This isn’t just about you and him any more, and that’s the piece of all this that you’re missing. You want to keep being mad at him, fine, that’s your prerogative, but it’s going to make everything that much harder for you to try and have a relationship with Alma if you are.”

Ed pulled a pot from under the stove and filled it with water, considering. “So, you’re saying I need to take the 'him and I' out of it?”

“I’m saying, maybe it will help if you move forward instead of dwelling on the past.”

It wasn’t a revolutionary idea; he’d been trying to do that most of his adult life with little luck. But now? Now he knew the other side of things and it was eating him up inside that he had been stuck in time with this person that felt like a stranger suddenly. And as much as he wanted to move on from that, the only thing that he could think to do to remedy it was to get to know Stede all over again, the thought of which made his stomach turn.

“What if I can’t do that?” He placed the pot he was holding onto the stove and flicked the burner on. “I don’t— the thought of even seeing him again makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know that I can just pretend our past doesn’t exist.”

“I’m not telling you too. You two have history, and it’s never going to just disappear. But don’t let it be the thing that holds you back, Ed. The past is never going to change. If and when you’re ready to address it, it’ll be there waiting for you. What isn’t going to wait though, is right now, and before you know it, you’re going to be looking back on a past that you had the insight to do something with and didn’t.”

Ed glanced at the box of journals still sitting in the middle of the island. Fear had always been the thing that informed his decisions. Maybe it was time he tried it another way.

Chapter Text

Ed pulled his teal Toyota Camry up to the curb of the freshly painted pale pink apartments, Wonderwall blaring from his rolled-down windows, and looked up at the place that he had called home for a single summer twenty years before. He hadn’t been back to the beach since that summer, always afraid of what he might find there that would remind him of the things that he had once had and how he’d given them up. But he was ready now. It was time.

His life had been a blur. Each memory, a spiraling montage of his best and worst moments, but it was the things that he had found here, in Ocean City in 2002 that stood out among them. Somehow, he had managed the impossible: surviving a lifetime of bad choices, finding a way to heal from his trauma, and hanging on to the love of his life by a thread to end up back where it had all begun. Ed had been given an exponential number of chances at this point, and he was forever grateful to the fates for allowing him this one final opportunity to prove that he wasn’t a lost, broken soul, but a man that had climbed mountains of glass in order to finally be able to live.

“You’re not Robert.”

“Nope,” Ed said, looking up to find a tall man in bright-colored clothes and flip-flops. “You can call me Ed though.”

“Oh my god!” Luke exclaimed, pulling his rainbow-colored sunglasses from his face as he took in Ed stepping from the car. “Oh my god! Duckling?” He gave Ed a once over, hand on his hip as he spoke. “You’re old.”

“Fuck off!” Ed pushed the car door closed behind him and stepped up on the sidewalk next to his former roommate. “Look who’s talking.”

“I’ve aged like a fine wine, thank you,” Luke said with a quirk of his brow. “What the hell are you doing here? It’s been—”  

“Twenty years,” Ed nodded, glancing up at the apartments. “Yeah. I’m…here to see a friend. Thought I would swing by before. Didn’t think you’d still be here.”

“I’m not.” Ed looked back at him in confusion and Luke slid his glasses back into place with a smirk. “I live up in Rehoboth now with my partner.” He leaned into Ed’s space conspiratorially. “The selection of dessert toppings there is phenomenal.”

Ed laughed, “I can only imagine. What are you doing here then?”

Luke groaned dramatically. “Pops left me the shop when he retired. I told the old fuck I wasn’t interested. I mean…me, running the shop like a serious businessman? Anyway,” He waved his hand around, “I technically own it, but I have a good-for-nothing manager who deals with the day-to-day for me. He needed the day off…fucking bitch is probably off hungover somewhere,” he rolled his eyes. “So, I came to meet the new kid. Show him the apartment.”

Ed hummed in understanding, rocking back and forth on his heels as he stared up at the apartment door.

“So, am I staying or not?”

“Do I get to pick what we do?”

“Nope. And this limited-time offer is about to expire. So, what’ll it be, Edward?”

“Can we at least get Taffy?”

“Cheap date. Sure. For you.”

“It’s him, isn’t it?” Ed was pulled from the memory and looked back at Luke who pointed toward the beach. “The friend you’re here to see. Your hazel-eye beauty.”

“Star boy?”

“It’s what I was calling you in my head before I knew your name.”

“Why?”’

“Because you shine.”

“Um…yeah,” Ed nodded feeling a bit raw, turning his eyes to the ground. “Yeah, it is.”

“Figured.” Luke shifted on his feet. “I’m sorry for that, by the way.” Ed looked up at him. “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have assumed that because I let myself get caught up with shit guys, that you had to. I told you to run so you didn’t get hurt like I had, but…sometimes it’s worth staying even when it will.”

“Yeah, think I’m finally figuring that out.” Ed huffed a small laugh and gave Luke a friendly slap to his back. “I appreciate that though.”

“Yeah, well,” Luke smiled sincerely, “don’t get used to it.”

This was his favorite time of day, when the boardwalk quieted enough that you could hear the waves crashing at the shoreline. The sun was just starting to go down over the bay, casting the sky in the watercolor hues of evening.

Ed stood at the edge of the beach access entrance watching the waves drift in and then back out, snatching up the rainbow of colors from the surface to drag them out to sea. There was a magic here that he had missed, maybe even forgotten about over the years. Something that took him back to a time before the world had fallen gray and bleak, when he would climb trees just to be closer to the moon and would throw wishes into the sky for the stars, hoping his whispered words were enough to charm them. Once upon a time, he thought he had lost those notions to growing up, only to be shown that not all stars were beyond his reach.

Ed glanced at his phone, tapping the screen to life to check the time. Quarter of. He would need to head up the boardwalk soon so that he wasn’t late, but he could spare another minute to watch the water, if only to calm the tirade of nerves he was feeling right now.

Maybe he’d been a fool to think that bringing them back here would change their fate.

They had agreed on a spot to meet, one that Ed knew wouldn’t be too exceptionally crowded and they could easily find each other. Ed made his way there, willing his feet to move faster and his heart to go slower as his mind started to cycle through all the variables of how this could go. He had already spent days since texting Stede agonizing over the possibilities. What would he say? How would Stede respond? Where would this lead them?

Ed had spent the remainder of that night reading through Stede’s journals, learning about his life once Ed was no longer in it. There was a melancholy hidden under the sweetness of each of his entries, even when he was writing about momenta of happiness in his life. And there were many.

The man had kept meticulous notes of his daily life after Alma was born, recording in great detail everything from him learning to change a diaper to the moment she took her first steps. It was all there—the fear, the trepidation, the laughter, the hope, the love—he had made sure that it was spelled out so clearly that Ed would never have to wonder. And Ed realized, page turn after page turn, that he had been there with them the whole time. Ed was in Stede’s every thought and action, in the way that he’d sung her to sleep and kissed every skinned knee; how he showered her with gifts and provided her with consequences and tucked her into bed and picked her up from school. Every single moment, no matter how insignificant, he had been part of because Stede was carrying Ed with him

Ed watched, his hands trembling as the trolley approached, waiting with bated breath for it to pass so that he could cross the boardwalk to his destination.

Twenty years ago, he had stood in this same spot, watching the store lights dance over Stede’s golden curls, and he had known then they were cataclysmic. He could have ended it that night, saved them both all of the heartache and pain, but then…he wouldn’t have been able to be standing here now.

The trolley rolled past him, blurring his vision to the other side of the boardwalk and he caught little more than the colors of sand and waves, and the memories of a romance that was supposed to die with the summer. And then—

There she was.

Eyes the color of Jupiter, and a smile so blinding and warm she could be nothing less than his star.

She turned, her dark curls bouncing around her face and they locked eyes across the distance. Then suddenly Ed was hit with the strangest sense of déjà vu, like everything had been leading to this single moment in time. And Ed knew now, that it was possible to fall in love at first sight more than once in your life.

In the next moment, Stede turned too, catching Ed’s eye, and he smiled in that way he did that had always made Ed fall apart at the seams. Feet moving of their own accord, Ed crossed the distance, pulled in by Stede’s inescapable gravity. And then, there they all were. Trapped in each other’s orbit. Together.

“Alma,” Stede said, his hand on her shoulder as she stared up at Ed in quiet anticipation, “this is Ed. And Moon,” Stede looked down at her with an affection that couldn’t be rivaled. “This is Alma.” His eyes came back to Ed’s. “Although most of the time, she goes by Skye.”

Before he could process anything, Alma extended her hand toward him, a gesture that read 100% Stede’s influence. “Hi, Ed,” she said. “Daddy told me you like taffy.”

Ed felt like his heart was going to explode, and he looked from her outstretched hand to Stede, who gave him a small nod of encouragement. His stomach was in knots and butterflies, and shit, he hadn’t felt like this in a long time; the surging flutter of affection growing infinitely with each moment.

And Ed loved her. More than he thought possible, greater than he could comprehend, against all odds. He was completely, amazingly, life-changingly in love with Alma Bonnet.

Muscle memory.

“Oh, I—” Ed watched the fluidity of her movements with awe, taking her in like she was a mystical creature, which she all but was, and he was rendered speechless and breathless by the warm comfort of their closeness.

It was like being shown the secrets of the universe; an impossible equation that he had been working to solve his entire life, suddenly cracked. He saw the inexplicable shift in the fragments of his life, how each flutter of moth’s wings had caused the changing of his path, all of them leading him to this point. He had spent years steeped in regret, grieving the life that he thought he had lost, and in the passing of a millisecond, it all became exceptionally clear, that it was never the life he was meant to have. Everything he had never known he wanted was standing right in front of him holding the hand of the only thing he had ever thought to hope for.

Ed looked between them, his past and his future, existing there together as if it was the most obvious thing in the world for them to do so. Stede’s eyes creased at the corners, his smile soft and knowing, as if he could read every one of Ed’s thoughts.

Maybe it wasn’t that at all though. Maybe he just knew because he had experienced it too.

Ed dropped his gaze back to Alma and drew a deep breath to keep the tears threatening at the edge of his eye from falling.

“Hey, Alma,” he said, slipping his hand into hers. It was tiny, so much smaller than his own, but it didn’t feel wrong. He held a sob in the back of his throat leaning forward and lowering his voice. “Don’t tell him I said so, but your dad’s right. I love taffy.”

“Me too.” She dropped his hand and stared up at him with a grin that rivaled the sun. “Daddy says it’s my first love.”

“You coming?”

“For taffy? Always.”

“Not for me?”

“Told you already, my love affair with Taffy is long and deeply rooted. You’re competing with my first love, man.”

“I’m willing to take my chances.”

Ed sucked in a breath and looked back to Stede who shrugged at him shyly. “First loves seem to be in great supply on the boardwalk.”

“What’s your favorite flavor?” Ed asked, leaning over Alma’s shoulder to get a view of the assortment of candies in the bin that she was considering.

“I like them all,” she said without looking up, her quick fingers diving through the various flavors to collect her prize.

Behind them Stede stood with a small basket in his hand, waiting patiently as Ed and Alma selected individual Taffy and tossed it inside. “Sixteen lemons, Ed? Really?”

“I seem to remember being told I could have whatever I wanted,” Ed glanced over his shoulder at the blonde with a raised eyebrow.

“That was—”

“Me too, Daddy,” Alma nodded in agreement, swinging around to drop her own handful in.

Stede looked between them in obvious regret. “I’ve made a terrible mistake allowing you two to team up. This is going to cost me a fortune.”

Alma shrugged, turning back to the task at hand, and Stede let out a long-suffering sigh, resigning himself to his fate.

“So, I can have…anything that I want?”

“I think so.”

“Anything at all?”

“Why not?”

“No limits?”

“None.”

“In that case…I want a kiss.”

Ed reached behind him into one of the bins, taking hold of one of the small candies and holding it behind his back.

“Hey,” he said, stepping up next to Stede as he watched Alma carefully select a few more candies and move to the next section. Stede’s eyes flickered to him in question, and he looked alarmed by Ed’s sudden proximity. “Sorry didn’t mean to scare you.”

Stede drew back a few inches, pursing his lips, eyes falling away to follow his daughter again. “Didn’t scare me. I was just startled is all.”

“Same thing,” Ed argued flexing his hand around the candy in his fist.

“Is not,” Stede rebutted, giving Ed another quick glance before following Alma around the corner of the aisle quickly, a warm pink starting to rise from his collar.

“Is too,” Ed said, double-stepping to catch up. “I was wondering…” he trailed off, coming to a stop on Stede’s heels just a few feet from where Alma was examining the lollipops. Ed dipped in at Stede’s shoulder to whisper so as not to draw attention, and Stede turned his head, brushing their noses together.

A beat passed, the warm exchange of air between them something Ed hadn’t taken the time to appreciate the day at Blackwater before everything had gone to shit. Stede’s eyes went hazy…or maybe it was just how close they were standing together. Ed stuttered a breath, trying to capture a single coherent thought.

“Were you saying something?” Stede murmured between them but didn’t move an inch, eyes locked on Ed’s.

He could barely hear the words over the rushing of his own blood in his ears, thoughts a jumbled mess of white noise. “A kiss,” he breathed mindlessly, watching the way Stede’s eyes darkened before he realized what had just passed over his lips. “Shit!” His eyes flickered to Alma and fear seized him that he’d fucked up. “I mean— Crap!” He looked back at Stede who was now staring at him in confusion. “I mean— fuck!” Stede laughed, and oh, wasn’t that music? “Damn it! I’m sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean— I just…” Ed held up the candy he’d been concealing in his hand between them. “It’s peppermint.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Ed ran his eyes up to the top of the Ferris Wheel, watching the swaying of the gondolas as it came to a stop. One thing that he maintained was that nothing that went that high and rocked that much, was meant to be a place for humans.

“You’re not scared, are you Ed?” Alma giggled next to him, and he pulled his eyes away from the swinging death trap to look down at her.

“No. Do I look scared?” he puffed up at the 11-year-old.

“Yes!” Stede and Alma said in tandem and with conviction.

Ed scoffed. “Well, I’m not. It’s whatever. I don’t care. I’m not scared of anything actually.”

“Not even snakes?” Alma asked, genuine wonder in her voice.

“Definitely not snakes,” Ed shook his head vigorously, as if the harder he did the more likely it was that he would convince her it was the truth.

“How about spiders?”

“Nope,” he said, less convincingly this time and he caught sight of a laughing Stede from the corner of his eye. “Something funny, star boy?” he asked, the old endearment slipping easily from him as he turned to face the blonde.

Stede smirked, rolling his eyes affectionately, which had absolutely no effect on Ed at all, obviously. “Pretty sure I remember you standing on a bed screaming for me to save you from the daddy long leg.”

Alma giggled again and Ed looked down at her with another shake of his head. “Lies,” he pointed at Stede. “All lies. As a matter of fact, this guy is the one who was scared.”

Stede gasped in mock offense and Alma nodded again. “Yeah, he always makes me hold his hand on this ride. Big scaredy cat,” she shook her head with disappointment.

Stede glanced over at him shyly again, and a hurricane of butterflies sprung to life in Ed’s stomach, as he watched the blonde’s face bloom with color again. And—okay, what the fuck was he supposed to do with that?

“Next!” the ride operator yelled, and Ed tore his eyes away from Stede’s face to move toward the entrance to the ride when a small hand caught his own.

“Are you scared? Don’t tell me the tattooed, pierced, all-black outfit goth is scared of a little Ferris Wheel.”

“Okay, number one— I am not a goth. Who even says that anymore? Number two— I am definitely not scared. What kind of goth is scared of death?”

“That’s too bad. Would have given me an excuse to hold your hand.”

“I can hold your hand this time, Ed, if you want me to,” Alma said earnestly, her little fingers wrapping around his own to squeeze.

Ed glanced back at Stede with hesitation. “Who’s going to hold your dad’s hand then?” he asked her.

Alma thought for a second. “We both still have another hand,” she shrugged, holding her open palm up in example.

“It’s fine,” Stede said with a smile. “You go ahead and hold Ed’s hand, I’ll be fine.”

Another gondola came to a rest and the operator motioned for them to get on.

Ed reached out his hand to Stede behind him as Alma tugged him forward toward the ride. “And deprive you of the opportunity to hold my hand?” he asked. “Never.”

“Now…listen carefully. This is very important.” Ed swiped the bottle of malt vinegar from the end of the counter and held it up so Alma could see it. “The only legit way—”

“—to eat Thrashers is with malt vinegar,” Alma finished for him, picking up her own bottle and dousing her fries.

“I did listen to you some of the time, you know,” Stede told him, shaking his bottle modestly.

Ed pointed at Stede with the bottle, crouching slightly so he could lower his voice as he spoke to Alma. “He was going to put ketchup on them.” He flicked his eyes up at Stede over Alma’s head with a grin.

“I swear to God, if you put ketchup on those fries I will end this date right now.”

“Let me try before I make a commitment like that.”

Alma gave her father a disbelieving look.

“I’ve since learned the error of my ways,” Stede explained, popping a vinegar-covered fry in his mouth.

“Are they worth the commitment?” Ed asked, putting this vinegar back on the counter and turning to face Stede.

Stede’s mouth quirked up at the corner, his gaze tender with affection as he moved his eyes from Alma to Ed. “Every single second of it.

The sun was long gone and a full, round Strawberry moon hung in the inky black summer sky. The tide ebbed and flowed, waves hitting the sand with a slow, unrushed need that matched the one cresting furiously inside of Ed. Every expectation of what today was going to be had been dashed on the shoreline hours ago because the reality of it had far exceeded them.

On a similar night twenty years ago, Ed had met a boy that shone with a light so blinding, a force of gravity so strong, that he could be nothing other than a star. A supernova. He was kind and smart and funny (and so so hot), and Ed had wanted to learn all of the little details that only intimacy could give them. But Ed had been scared. Scared to let him in, scared to love him, scared to lose him. So he’d put up a wall, a barrier of steel between them to shield his heart from being broken. It hadn’t taken long though for the hazel-eyed beauty to knock down every one of Ed’s defenses, settling himself deep in and refusing to leave. In the end, it was Ed that had broken both of their hearts, caught up in a darkness that he didn’t understand. It was a decision that would haunt him like the ghost of summers past for years to come.

Tonight, Ed saw the reality of it all in a new light. Regardless of the mistakes they had made, the ways in which they had hurt each other, there had been love. First love. Burning, passionate love. Crushing, painful love. And it was from that love they had managed to create something beautiful, something greater, something unconditional.

The beach was deserted, the lights from the rides at the end of the boardwalk casting long shadows onto the sand beneath a clear sky full of stars.

Ed sat in the sand along the edge of the boardwalk, watching Stede and Alma build a castle under the colorful blinking lights, and he was grateful. Of all the things that he had missed in his life, everything he had passed over and pushed aside, he still got to have this. It hadn’t been promised or guaranteed, and he had come very close to losing it altogether several times. But by some miracle of the universe, some gift of the fates, here he was.

Stede held his arms in the air and cheered as Alma kicked at the freshly built castle and it toppled over, returning once again to nothing more than a pile of sand. Almost immediately, Alma dropped back into her spot and started shoveling the sand back into a bucket to start over again. From thoughtless rubble to a kingdom of dreams and back again in less than five minutes.

“Not a sand castle enthusiast, I see.” Stede dropped down next to him, brushing the sand from his hands as they both watched Alma continue on with her work.

“Nah, just not very good at building things,” Ed said thoughtfully, scooping up a bit of sand into his hand. “My skills would be more suited to that last bit.”

Stede looked over at him. “I don’t know that that’s true. You seem to have built a pretty fine life for yourself.”

Ed opened his hand slightly, watching the sand drain out of it slowly like an hourglass. “Didn’t do that on my own though, did I?” He glanced over at Stede. “Had Anne.”

“Ah,” Stede said with a nod, adjusting his hands behind him so he could look up at the sky. “We’re not islands, Edward. We all need somebody once in a while. Her presence in your life doesn’t negate the fact that you did the work.”

“Maybe not. But I can’t say I would have done it on my own, without her motivation.” The sand finished draining and Ed reached to scoop another handful. “Or not stomped it all away if I didn’t think she would be disappointed in me for doing it,” he gestured in the direction of the sand castle.

“That’s the thing about sand. It starts without shape or substance, nothing remarkable to speak of, and you get to mold it into something new, make it what you want it to be. But sometimes, even the best-built castles crumble in the sun. And sometimes, we knock them over so we can start again fresh.” Stede looked over at him. “We can always rebuild, Moon. Improve on the original design. You don’t always get it right the first time.”

Ed huffed through his nose and tossed away the rest of the sand. “What about the twelfth time?” He raised his eyebrows at Stede in challenge. “How many times do you rebuild it before it becomes a waste of time?”

Stede sat up and turned, reaching for Ed’s now empty hand. “You’re not a waste of time, Ed. Not now. Not twenty years ago. Not in 2011. You have always been worth every single second and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.”

Ed looked down at their hands clasped together between them. “Guess we’re not actually talking about sand castles, huh?”

“No,” Stede shook his head, “I don’t think we are.” He pushed himself up on his knees, scooting closer, and Ed looked up at him. “I’m sorry, Ed. I fucked up. I know that I did. My intention was never to hurt you or take away your choice. And I know it doesn’t mean shit when I took something from you that you can never get back, but I swear to you that I had always planned to give it back. As much as I could. Maybe I can’t give you the missed years back, but I can give you what’s still to come. In whatever way you’re willing. Because the only thing that matters is…this.” Stede pointed over at Alma, building a new castle. “So, if she’s the only thing that holds us to each other now, then I’ll find a way to live with that but—” He squeezed Ed’s hands in his own, voice quaking with the truth of his words. “It was always supposed to be me and you doing this. TOGETHER.”

“I want you, star. Now. Tomorrow. For as long as I’m allowed.”

“You’ve always had me, moon. You’re my sky.”

The multicolored lights of the carnival rides reflected in Stede’s eyes, and he sparkled like he had a hundred times before. And no matter how hard Ed tried to convince himself that the feeling in his chest was an illusion of the summer’s breeze, he knew it was a lie.

And it was about time that he stopped lying to both of them and told Stede the truth too.

“Okay,” Ed nodded down at their hands clasped together in his lap.

Stede sucked in a breath. “Okay?”

“Yeah, let’s—” Ed took a shaky breath and expelled the air from his lungs slowly. “Let’s try this. Together.” Stede’s hand tightened around his own and Ed looked up at him quickly. “I don’t know what this means for us. If we—” He took another deep breath, the air in his lungs trying to compress as he gathered the thoughts in his head. “I have fucked this up more times than I can count, and I am fucking terrified right now, for so many different reasons, but—”

 Stede’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as his gaze flickered over Ed’s face waiting for what he was going to say. Ed swallowed over the lump in his own throat, fear prickling along the back of his neck. “But I love you, Star. And while I can’t make you any promises, I can stop pretending that I don’t already know that I would regret it for another twenty years if I walked away from you again.”

Stede pressed his eyes closed, a breath rushing out of him as if he had been holding it in. “Okay.”

“Daddy!”

Stede took a steadying breath, wiping away the tears from his eyes, and drew his hands away from Ed’s slowly, as if he was afraid to let go. “Yes, darling?”

Alma grinned; her dark ringlets covered in the rainbow waves of carnival lights. “Play the song.”

Once upon a time, Ed had sat on this very beach, and he had fallen in love with the boy who had fallen from the sky like a star. And for the last twenty years, Ed had continued to love him. More than he knew he should, against all odds, across the time and distance between them.

Every laugh. Every tear. Every touch. Every fight. Every kiss. Every mistake. Every thump of their hearts beating together, drumming out a rhythm that was only for them to know. Everything a note in the music that made up their love.

A love that was all but forgotten to the mess they had made of their hearts.

They couldn’t go back and change anything that had happened, but they could go forward from here. This time they had the insight to make better decisions, to listen and learn from each other, to build something together from the ground up, instead of jumping headfirst with their eyes closed. And maybe they would fall in love all over again, and maybe they wouldn’t, there was no way of knowing where this journey would lead them the second time around. But no matter what happened now, there was one universal truth that would never change… 

“The night isn’t alone; it has the stars.”

“‘The sky dreams of stars.’”

“Do you dream of stars, Edward?”

“Only one.”

“Then, I guess—You’re my sky.”

Chapter Text

A journey can be many things.

It can be learning from your mistakes, growing, healing, and finding a way forward.

It can be the discovery of things that you never knew you needed.

And it can be packing up your whole life into a box to start a new one.

“Hey! C’mon, man, that box says fragile on it. Be careful!” Ed threw his hands up in the air as one of the guys tossed his boxes into the back of the moving van, ignoring his instructions to give him a side-eye. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“What’s going on?” Stede came from the house holding two potted plants, one in each hand. “Who are you yelling at?”

Ed threw a hand up in the direction of the guy who had just neglected his boxes. “He’s throwing my boxes.”

Stede glanced back over his shoulder at the guy entering back into the house, holding the plants out to Ed as he approached the van. “I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.”

Ed quirked an eyebrow at him, taking the plants from Stede’s hand and placing them on the front seat of the truck. “It was intentional, Star.” He pushed the passenger side door closed and brushed the dirt from his hands. “Where did you find these guys anyway?”

“Oh,” Stede shrugged, “here and there.”

“That’s reassuring,” Ed said, dryly, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched another load of boxes being carried from the house.

Stede leaned against the side of the truck. “If you’re really worried about it, I can pay them now, and we can finish up ourselves.”

“Look at him. He knows what he’s doing.” Ed eyed the mover as he tossed another box into the back of the truck before turning to see if Stede was watching.

He wasn’t. His eyes were on Ed, smirk tempting the corners of his mouth, and Ed deflated from his irritation immediately.

“Stop laughing at me,” he told the blonde, trying to convey annoyance and failing at it.

“You’re cute when you’re mad,” Stede said, knowing full well what he was doing.

Ed rolled his eyes, refusing the smile that he felt pulling at his lips. “And you’re a jerk,” he said with no heat.

Stede smiled at him fully, bright and all-consuming, and Ed finally broke, grabbing Stede’s arm to draw them together so he could drop a kiss onto Stede’s forehead. Stede’s arms wrapped around him without thought and he leaned his weight into Ed’s chest, letting their hearts sync together for the millionth time. Muscle memory.

“Sorry,” he whispered into the golden curls at Stede’s temple. “Just…a little weird to be leaving here.”

“I know.” Stede pulled back so that he could meet Ed’s eyes. “But you know you don’t have to do this, right? I’d understand if you changed your mind.”

“I know I don’t. I want to,” Ed assured him, and there were those crinkles at the corner of Stede’s eyes that reminded him why that statement was true.

“Daddy! Ed!” Alma jumped from the backseat of a silver Toyota Camry with a sticker on the back that said, Mama Needs Some Wine, and skidded to a stop in front of them. “Uncle Lu said I can pretty much have anything I want now so I should ask for the biggest room.”

Stede narrowed his eyes at her, taking a step back to release Ed from his grasp. “And why should you get anything you want?”

Alma shrugged.

“Consider it an advance on the reparations you’re going to owe her for the psychological damage and years of therapy she’s going to need from living with the two of you,” Lucius said, coming around the car with the biggest iced coffee Ed had ever seen in his hand.

“You were supposed to be here three hours ago to help load the truck, Lucius,” Stede said as Alma skittered away into the house.

“Oh yeah, about that,” Lucius sipped from his massive cup, “I don’t, ya know…” he waved his hand around vaguely “…like, clean things.”

Stede huffed. “It's not cleaning. It’s loading. And it’s your job.”

Lucius scrunched his face up. “Mm…Is it though?”

“Yes!” Stede squeaked. “Your job is to assist. Personally. And today I needed you to assist with loading.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to do that,” Lucius shook his head.

Stede sighed, used to the pushback from his assistant. “Well, did you at least pick up the things from Mary when you got Skye?”

“Hm?” Lucius stared over Stede’s shoulder at one of the movers. “Um, yeah, sure,” he concluded with a shake of his wrist, pushing past Stede in the direction of the house, just as Alma came darting back out.

“Lucius!” Stede called after his assistant.

“Let him go, Star. We’re about done here anyways,” Ed whispered over Stede’s shoulder at the same moment Alma came darting toward them again, gravel kicking up in her wake.

“Ed!”

“Whoa there, sunshine.” Ed caught her in his arms before she could crash into him fully. “Whatcha got?” he pointed at something gripped in her hand.

“I think it’s an iPod.” Alma held the old tech up to his face. “Uncle Lu said it’s an antique.”

Ed looked at her in horror. “It’s not an antique. His stupid car’s an antique!”

Alma fiddled with the buttons until the screen lit. “Can I have it?”

“Don’t you have an iPhone?”

Alma shrugged, scrolling through the playlist. “Yeah, but everyone has those. This is retro. I’d be the only one with it.”

“Ret— Now wait a minute—” Ed started to argue and Stede chuckled next to him, laying a reassuring hand on his arm to help ground him.

The back of the moving truck slammed shut, drawing both of their attention.

“That’s the last of it, Captain.”

“Ah, very good. Thank you for all of your help today, Frenchie.” Stede pulled his wallet from his pocket, counting out bills. “Same time tomorrow to help with the unload?”

The small group congregated behind Frenchie as he started to divvy up the money between them. “Sure thing.”

“One more walk-through?” Stede asked, turning to Ed as the crew disappeared into their cars.

Behind them, they could hear the faint bickering of Lucius and Alma inside of the Camry, as they battled it out for control of the radio.

Ed glanced over at the house considering.

Six years of restless reminders. Of lonely nights and broken days. He had found a way to survive within those walls, to push through and move forward one day at a time. It was the place that had held his fears and his hopes, where he had walked cold floors, pacing for hours as he scrolled through the life of someone he thought he had lost. Countless watches of Party Monster, 3:00 a.m. calls to Anne, coffee and conversations, and more tears than he could count in a lifetime shed down the drains. From a house, he had made a home all on his own, even if it was a poignant one.

“Ed?” Stede questioned, the smallest thread of concern in his voice as he waited for Ed’s response.

But a house it was nonetheless, regardless of the things that it had carried him through. The memories of what had been, he would carry with him, as he carried all of the others that had gotten him here.

“Nah,” he said, taking Stede’s hand in his own. This part of the journey was over. It was time to start the next. “It’s just sand.” 

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

I was out at the water today, thinking about past Ed watching the tide from the little home he never thought he'd have. Grateful for the chance to see it, but missing the ocean all the same.