Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Uhm, Supra. I understand if you choose to leave certain parts out, but I would like to know about what made you think about me and Cahaya." Solar prompted.

"I definitely could, but nothing is going to benefit me if I leave any parts out," Supra responded. "My mind wandered to you two because you two are technically both one my fusion 'parents' as the Light element, even if you are two separate beings. However, you could say that we've been in the same shoes.

That we've both hurt BoBoiBoy more than we wish we had.

And, sure, all of us elements and fusions have done that in the past. But BoBoiBoy finding himself in a hospital bed has only happened as a result of using two of us."

Solar nodded slowly, and with his lips pursed, hands clasped too tightly together, and eyes averted to his shoes - uncomfortable was a mutual feeling.

"What I'm trying to say is... I'm jealous of you two."

Solar perked up with a bewildered expression and Halilintar also looked intrigued.

"Technically you were first summoned when BoBoiBoy had also split into seven the first time. But, aside from that, you and Cahaya could say that you've drained BoBoiBoy of his energy to the point that he had to be monitored in the hospital. I would say that for myself, too. There was always the knowledge, however, that those were the first times that we were ever summoned. BoBoiBoy hadn't used us before, he hadn't trained our powers before. I suppose this applies to all of us, too. Such as Api when BoBoiBoy unintentionally used him in his sleep. Such as you, Halilintar, when Adu Du had tortured you with balloon's and caused you to go against Angin and Tanah," Solar and Halilintar nodded slowly, their faces grim as they remembered those times. "Like Beliung's case - BoBoiBoy didn't undergo the training to prepare himself to reach that kind of power, either. So, all of the destruction and other possible 'pains' we may have caused were under a lack of knowledge.

That's no one's fault. We did what we had to do. And, at some point - we've all been summoned again.

You, I mean Solar, and Cahaya had both undergone training before BoBoiBoy's next watch upgrade. You two did well - there were reports. People and members of TAPOPS liked it whenever BoBoiBoy used your powers. It's hard to say that Cahaya got a 'proper' second chance because of the watch upgrade, but he had been able to prove that he was worthy of his praise. You were able to do so, too. I mean, there was training and then being defeated and absorbed by Retak'ka - but no one saw that coming. None of that was your fault. Then you had the Planet Kadruax mission, and reaching the end goal successfully was undoubtedly going to improve your records. There was the split in Windara, too, but the end result in that wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. That wasn't your fault, either - Reramos just happened to get the advantage on all of you by attacking the others and causing distractions.

I got my second chance, too. On Maripos' ship. It wasn't an incredibly complex job. Defeat the intruders and get to Windara safely and without anymore complications. Straightforward. Simple. One person could do it. I could do it.

And yet I didn't.

I missed quite a lot of targets. That wouldn't defeat them. I had lasered a hole through both ships. That prevented us from getting to Windara. I caused BoBoiBoy to run out of energy. That put him and everyone in danger. Princess Kuputeri got captured, BoBoiBoy and his friends got separated, and I set us back from what could have been an easier beginning to the mission of removing Reramos from his self-appointment as Emperor of Windara.

I did a lot of things wrong."

"But that wasn't your fault," Halilintar shook his head, a tiny frown on his face. "Ori hasn't trained with you."

"And that's what I led myself to believe. I'm inexperienced. I haven't been able to practice any of my attacks or defenses in the real world. And that's fine. That makes sense. But that also poses the question that makes the whole idea conflicting.

Why hasn't he trained with me?"

"It does take quite a lot of energy to even have the fusions exist outside the Watch Realm," Solar noted. "The forming of two elements to create an entirely new being is exhausting for the body, and considering that your attacks are incredibly powerful, it is not at all surprising if Ori just..." His voice trailed off.

"Just tried to reserve his energy in case of emergencies?" Supra asked, a pained, knowing smile on his face. "Just hesitated because he didn't want to damage anything? Just waited until there was better equipment that could support my powers?

In some instances that makes sense. But why not just try? He hasn't summoned me for anything. I wouldn't be... bothered if he didn't even do anything - if he didn't use my powers, if he didn't try to use my additional skills, if he didn't use my weapons, if he didn't say anything. I would even be okay if he didn't move - if he just stood there as me. It wouldn't matter if it were for a long time or a few seconds. BoBoiBoy is so open to new things that don't inhibit his most basic morals. He has trained with all of you. He has used Frostfire and Glacier more than once. Even if Glacier was only used in training alike to Cahaya - Frostfire was used for a cooking contest of all things. Not that the ordeal frustrates me - it was a good opportunity for him, really. To be used for something trivial like that would be... I don't know how I would feel. What I am sure about is that it would feel much better than waiting.

Even Sori got to train in the real world recently.

You've all been able to go out and show your worth. Show off your powers. Improve yourselves. Gain knowledge. Experience the real world without the need to worry about others' safety constantly in the moment. You've been able to say, from the second time that you have existed - 'I helped'. 'I did well'. 'I am one of Ori's elements'.

I do not.

All I'm left with is BoBoiBoy unable to even help himself."

Supra noticed that his foot was tapping constantly. He couldn't find it in him to care anymore. Negative emotions couldn't take over; if bothersome acts like that prevented them from doing so, then so be it.

"Sometimes I wonder if he's scared of me.

I suppose I'm scared of myself, too."

An empty chuckles echoes throughout the now too eerily quiet room, and with only a singular light on in the increasing darkness, Supra could see it dimming.

"It's alright if he is. I have pretty destructive powers. I killed a living, talking, thinking being, whether anyone thinks he truly, truly deserved it or not - I wouldn't know how BoBoiBoy really thinks about that choice. It's okay to be scared of your capabilities. That leaves it up to me to train myself. Even if my training doesn't carry over in the real world immediately, if BoBoiBoy chooses to use it then I would be prepared.

Yet I don't train with my powers either.

Why? Out of laziness? Out of concern? Out of worry?

I only train my abilities, mainly speed, and engage in combat such as weaponry. And it's good to practice in those areas, too. Basic concepts are important to utilise effectively. But if I can't even bring myself to train with my own powers and I'M the one holding the powers to begin with...

That must say a lot about how I think about myself, right?"

...

...Why weren't they saying anything? Supra looked for their faces, and when he made them out, he couldn't help but feel relieved on the inside. He couldn't remember seeing their faces the 'last time' he spoke up about the issues he was faced with.

"It's pathetic.

I suppose I shouldn't be a hypocrite about it - asking someone to do something I don't do myself.

Maybe that's just who I'd be if BoBoiBoy wasn't our user. I'd just be some being of some sort - wandering the vast emptiness of space, thinking 'they should be training more' or 'maybe if they put in the effort, they'd achieve whatever they sought out to do' every time I passed by a lifeform who was putting 10, maybe 100 times more effort into what they do than myself. And that's not your fault - us fusions don't perfectly reflect who you guys as the original elements are. We're our own beings. Frostfire is both less hyperactive than Blaze but more energetic and talkative than Ais. Glacier is less organised than Gempa but when he does get focused on something he does it effectively. Sori is snarky but playful, reflecting both Duri and you, Solar, but he has extensive knowledge in one particular area - botany. Alike to you - but not exactly the same. I may inherit both of your abilities in terms of strong blows and hold a reflected sense of solidarity and independence - but am I even a 'BoBoiBoy elemental' or a 'BoBoiBoy fusion' at this point?

I don't feel very related to BoBoiBoy. There are many qualities of his that I lack. It's even more apparent to outsiders.

Apart from attacks, I don't speak very much. That can affect what they believe my morals are if I don't voice my opinions.
I lack the physical expressions that convey emotion. That can impact what others think I may be feeling about certain outcomes.
I don't interact with anyone. That prevents them from getting to know me and vice versa.

I feel so... 'out-of-touch' with BoBoiBoy that I can't even call him 'Ori' comfortably like you guys do.

I wonder how it would feel to say it and mean it."

Supra understood that this was supposed to be all about him - but couldn't they at least say something?

He didn't want to hear them pity his situation, though. He wanted closure.

But since when did he ever get what he wanted?

"I apologise," Supra muttered. "I've started to stray-"

"It's okay, Supra." Solar smiled genuinely.

Supra almost forgot that Solar was the literal embodiment of light, and somehow that small break in his rambling just made him feel smaller and lonelier.

Was it normal to feel light-headed and drowsy from a smile?

It wasn't okay. He wasn't okay.

"I suppose all of these... thoughts and considerations led to my current condition," Supra glanced at his forearm. "From what I've observed, some of the actions that took place between the initial incident and now has had repercussions on my body."

"What do you mean 'actions'?" Halilintar's brows furrowed. "For the most part, you've been bedridden."

"And your words are why I believe I'm correct," Supra huffed. "You seem to know some things as well."

"Perhaps I do. But I hardly feel encouraged to say anything until I hear your side of the story first."

"...Okay."

Supra breathed in, breathed out. All he could feel was the smoke from the billowing flames of his chest wafting in and out of his nose.

"I experienced five separate 'visions' over the past week - one before the incident and the other four after the initial bandaging.

The first one involved me being transported from the cleaning chamber to a murky, ice-filled underwater area to an open, windy desert to back in the cleaning chamber.
The second one involved me waking up in the Fusion hospital ward.
The third one involved me waking up in the medical ward of my lab and practicing in the training room.
The fourth one involved me waking up in a library and reading a book in a strange category called 'Memories'.
And the fifth one involved me waking up in the Second Tiers' hospital ward."

Solar was definitely concerned but he couldn't help but let a little of his curiosity and intrigue show.

"Interesting that you say that, since we had moved you to almost all of those places apart from the two natural areas and the library. Even more so as you listed them in the same order that they occurred," Solar recalled. "Were you aware that we had moved you from place to place at all during those moments?"

"I considered it a possibility but mixed in with all the events that took place within those areas - it didn't feel real."

"Well... what did happen that makes you question this?" Halilintar pressed on.

"BoBoiBoy was in each one of them."

"Like, 'Ori' BoBoiBoy, us, the fusions...?"

"A combination of both, but mostly 'original' BoBoiBoy.

When I first found myself in the cleaning chamber, BoBoiBoy at some point had become my own reflection in the mirror. I looked away for a moment, and when I looked back - I found myself in an underwater area under blocks of ice, light filtering through a large crack in the sheet and revealing an idly floating BoBoiBoy at the centre of it. I ran over to him, checked his vitals and found that he was cold and unresponsive. A warmth spread through his chest where my hand was, and at first, I considered a few options regarding the supernatural and technology before realising that light was forming underneath my hand. Connecting the facts... I realised that it was me. The effects didn't hinder and rather strengthened upon my realisation. BoBoiBoy suddenly woke up and started begging me to stop, his face contorted and twisted in pain and desperation, but I couldn't move my hand. I couldn't stop the light. I couldn't do anything but watch him as we both got swallowed by the light and the bubbles that formed around us.

The next time I opened my eyes I find both of us in the windy deserts of Windara - the crashed ship in the distance but Fang nowhere to be seen. I didn't know the significance of the water and ice then, but I knew the significance of the desert. BoBoiBoy started talking from where he was leaning against the rock. He asked me why the plan didn't go the way it was supposed to. Why my powers didn't work. He told me I was the wrong fusion to use, and anger and frustration got the best of me, and I tried to prove him wrong. I wanted to prove to him that, no, he isn't completely weak just because he had to use me. No, he could be who he strived to be with me as one of his powers, too. He said all of this with nothing but a straightforward, emotionless face.

I told him that there was always a next time. But, he denied me that possibility.

With that, everything crumbled away and I found myself back in front of the mirror and BoBoiBoy standing in the void-filled reflection. He described how he felt useless, and, once again, I tried to offer the idea of another chance to him by also using you, Solar, as an example of what could be achieved if another opportunity allowed. A sense of purpose to both me and BoBoiBoy. He declined the opportunity once more, and I found myself angrily thumping a closed fist into the mirror through tears at his stubbornness. It was unfair. Unfair that you guys got given that opportunity, whilst I was left as the emergency surgery that only risked the person's health even more with than without. It felt like I was never going to get that second chance like you or Cahaya or any of the other elements did. Be my third summoning or fiftieth. I asked him when I would get my 'second' chance?

And he left me to slip from reality without an answer.

...The next time I woke up was when I had been moved to the Fusion hospital ward. The scent of chemicals sickly, though for good reason. I loosely thought back to the visions and questioned my own actions as well as what the visions really were - Just visions? Hallucinations? A terrible dream? - before being interrupted by the voices of Gempa and someone else, who, as discussed before, turned out to be Sori. ...Thinking back now - it's 'interesting' to note how I found myself worrying over how I was going to explain the broken mirror to Gempa rather than worrying over my own health. I had the bandages, and I had the IV drip. So, that part had at least happened.

BoBoiBoy had joined me, leaning over the bedside. He was some sort of figment in my imagination - I was aware. I told him that I did not want to see him, which only caused him to voice how 'those words' were more suited to him as I wasn't usually the one found in a hospital bed - and I couldn't entirely disagree with that statement, either. He asked how I felt. I replied by saying that I felt awful - while that held some truth, it wasn't the entire truth - and he seemed to catch onto that. I focused more on the strange idea that the empty stare he forced my gaze upon was somewhat comforting to me before being ripped from my thoughts to a searing pain in my wrist as BoBoiBoy grasped onto my injured hand. Despite the reality of my situation, the feeling that came frmo that action just felt so real and genuine. He brought up my attempts at hiding my reactions and got annoyed when I did not give him an answer. He suggested that I was simply trying to not catch the attention of the outsiders.

He was right, but when I went to agree with him I said something else.

I told him that I deserved to be in my position after all I put him through. He looked at me like I was stupid; asked if I was a masochist. I said no, but now I find myself questioning it, too. Coming back to the original topic, he said that it was about time that I find myself in the bed. I noted that I should be in worse, and he agreed. Then I moved my hand within his grasp, and as expected - he gripped tighter, and the pain worsened. When he realised that I had done it on purpose he had called me sick, but I thought the opposite - I was not sick. I needed a distraction. He made the point that using others to hurt yourself is cowardly - and it was - but that was the least of my concerns.

I've decided that he had been too lenient on me, and from what I've heard - regular teachings cannot always be enough and that the infliction of pain can 'encourage' a student to learn hastily. To last scars in that aspect would be a constant reminder that, in my case, as long as I continued to receive them, I am useless. A failure. A burden to BoBoiBoy's body and mind as to what he wants me to be and what I want myself to be. My powers have forced impossibly high expectations of him, but at the same time the result of using my powers has most likely lowered others' faith in him as well. And I don't want to put either of those pressures onto him.

He's a great elemental wielder, undoubtedly. Almost perfect, but no one should place that name on him either.

It's just me. I don't deserve his friends, my brothers, the Second Tiers or First Tiers, Beliung... And you don't deserve to have to deal with me, either.

It would have been better if you two haven't fused to create me. And some part of me in the moment seemed content with that idea. A voice calls out, BoBoiBoy vanishes and all I see is darkness before blacking out...

I awoke and found myself in a hospital bed still. My perception of time was most likely flawed but I knew enough to decide that I had been bedridden for far too long. I sat myself up, and I felt fine. I noticed that the entire ward was different, and when I had gotten off the bed and opened the door - I realised that I had been moved to the hospital room of my own lab. I went to the cooler room cleaning chamber, and there was no evidence of what I had done. No broken shards of mirror glass and no blood. The mirror was even replaced. At that moment, I started to remember. I turned to leave, but I managed to get a glimpse of a third-person perspective of me wailing angrily and hitting the mirror.

I noticed the trolley with the experiment plan on it, deciding that the first experiment was unsalvageable. BoBoiBoy appeared by my side, peering over to look at the folder I held. He seemed more like himself - a sparkle in his eyes and curiosity and interest ridden on his face - which only made me more unsettled after being used to the blunter version of him I had been encountering.

He voiced his interest, asked me about the plant interest and listened to me talk about Sori's influence on me over the past few weeks he has been around. BoBoiBoy understood and he must have been watching me for a bit of time as he noticed my hesitance to go into the cooler room. Sensing the uneasiness, he suggested training. I tried to protest with my injury, but he just mentioned how I had disconnected my IV drip from my arm. I had done that without realising, and I was going to fix it before BoBoiBoy talked about how my condition seemed fine. I rebutted with a delay, but once again he countered my point with time. I was skeptical, but he brought up the faster healing process of the Watch Realm before suddenly telling me to remove my bandages. I refused at first, to which he proposed two alternatives. When the result was in his favour - being that my wounds had completely healed - he ushered me to the training room.

Quite honestly, I enjoyed my time with him. BoBoiBoy was in awe the moment that we entered, seeing as the whole place somewhat resembled the one TAPOPS used to have. He was elated to do something with me, and he reminded me so much of others such as Sori, Api and Duri that I felt a little more at home. I explained my abilities, mentioning the weapons I have available to me and the powers I have. I brought up blades and spears like your own, Halilintar, and when BoBoiBoy couldn't remember using them I told him that I only found out by training within the watch. BoBoiBoy avoided discussion on training outside of the watch.

He asked if I could teach him how to handle the weapons despite knowing that he most likely wouldn't remember a thing. There was no harm in doing so, I decided. Everything went by in a blur, and the next thing I knew... I was charging up whilst aiming directly at BoBoiBoy. He was rightfully distressed as the light forming at my fingertips only grew larger, and it was only until I told him to move that he revealed an injury he gained. I needed to focus, because if I even got distracted, I knew that I would kill the innocent person in front of me.

I close my eyes. I try to calm my breathing, but there's no improvement. I try again. I focus on controlling myself. I continue, but my breaths only get faster, shorter, and more ragged before BoBoiBoy screams out. I lose my focus, the light grows at an uncontrollable pace and I realise that I just need to move. To aim at anything else but him. I grab my forearm and it doesn't move. I try to turn, to point my hand in a different direction and still nothing. I forcefully try to move my arm and rip at skin and flesh in the process and with a single cry all I hear is BoBoiBoy scream my name before we both got disintegrated into nothing.

I was still in a hospital bed but it was located in the Second Tiers' library. Sick and tired and untrusting of anything around me - I ripped out the IV. I heard a voice from another part of the library; expectedly finding BoBoiBoy who stood at a bookshelf titled 'Memories'. He goes on to tell me that sadness does not alter the past nor heal the person. That learning from the past is the most effective way as long as we find the key parts of that experience to think over - but if our brains forget then that cannot be done.

He took a book out of a bookshelf, walked to a desk and gestured for me to take a seat next to him. In that book contained comic-like recounts of the events leading up to Retak'ka's defeat. We started on a page which depicted all the elements but Gempa in the Penta-Split being absorbed by Retak'ka. It showed moments from different perspectives at the same time. Flicking through, it showed the fight and the summoning of Frostfire, Glacier and me. Retak'ka was defeated, BoBoiBoy landed whilst de-transforming as me and he slipped off the dam's ledge. I questioned the possibility of anything else having occurred between then and the tent, and BoBoiBoy guided me to the next page.

I saw the water. I saw the ice. I saw BoBoiBoy.

'That's what you did to me.' Was what I heard.

He reminded me of my first hospital hallucination. About pain being a good teacher. He told me that it wasn't teaching me anything useful - such as not to make the same mistake again. And, if I continued to unconsciously block it out and refuse to accept it... I would never get that second chance.

I got my answer to the question I had been asking all along, I suppose."

Supra paused longer than he had anticipated. He didn't register the deeply concerned and apologetic looks that Solar and Halilintar shared. What had Supra been going through?

"I'm not sure if I can trust what happened today anymore," Tears started forming in Supra's eyes without warning. Why was he starting to cry now? "What if this is all just a hallucination again, building up my confidence like the last one only to have everything crash on me? First it was BoBoiBoy, and now it's all of you.

Not everything panned out the same as last time, sure - I wasn't surrounded in my sleep when I awoke - I was in the hospital bed like every other time. I didn't get a check-up like the one that you and Cahaya gave me. I didn't have casual conversation with both Trio Ori's and Beliung, and I didn't play card games or board games. I didn't get to enjoy the night and end it with a nice dinner like we had tonight.

Yet - Still, I find myself being welcomed by you. Still, I find everyone looking out and being cautious of my injuries. Still, I find myself meeting Beliung for the first time. Still, Taufan baked cookies and, still, I find myself recalling the events of my hallucinations. I can't enjoy anything that I've been handed tonight, and I can't feel relaxed even with knowing that you two are actively listening to everything I say and that everyone is trying to help.

I hate this! I really hate this! I hate everything about this! And yet I know that, in the grand scheme of everything, it's all about me. I want to do right by all of you. I want to make everyone proud. I want to help others, and I want to save others. I want to train without the worry of damaging anything. I want control over my own actions. I want to prove my worth. I want to redeem myself for everything I've done and yet I can't because I know that anything I do now will not be enough to repair the damage I've done to BoBoiBoy!

Everything is my fault and that's dragged all of you into it!"

Solar and Halilintar looked on in a panic at their fusion, who at this point was standing up and shouting through tears and snot, left fist clenched tightly.

"And I'm so, so sorry."

Supra fell to his knees, hiding his face in his hands.

"I-I don't want to bother you - everyone has been through so much more than I have. It's not your problem."

Supra tried to keep his voice steady.

"And yet... here I am. Complaining... to you two."

Supra's breathing picked up again.

"I'm sorry to everyone in the galaxy - for not being able to do things right."

His vision started turning red.

"I'm sorry to Princess Kuputeri - for putting her in a situation that was easily avoidable."

His left hand started tingling.

"I'm sorry to the other Fusions - for having to be directly associated with me."

His heart raced.

"I'm sorry to the Elements - for being a failure as one of their 'most powerful fusions'."

His head pounded.

"I'm sorry to BoBoiBoy - for not being the power he sought me out to be."

His throat held a metallic taste.

"I'm sorry to you two - for being your fusion."

He-

"I'm sorry."

He can't-

"I'm sorry."

He needed-

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY-"

His voice got caught. He couldn't breathe. He felt a lump form in the back of his throat. A liquid formed at the bottom of his stomach, and it soon rose up - sick and vile and lumpy and hot. He lurched over.

Once. Twice. He heaved for a third time, but nothing came out.

He gasped for air.

He couldn't-

He couldn't do this.