Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Taesan opens his eyes and finds himself in the same position as the past week; laying in a hospital bed, deeply uncomfortable with the way the sides seem to get closer and closer together. Woonhak’s been keeping him company the whole time, but he still feels more alone than ever before. 

He blinks away the burning sensation that comes from looking into the bright lights of the room and sits up. He’s gotten used to the feeling of being helpless and depending on others—something he sincerely hates. He hates having to ask Woonhak for water because he can’t reach for it with a broken arm. Hates having to ask the nurse to dim the lights or turn up the AC from time to time. 

It sucks depending on others. It’s as if you have power when, in reality, you only have that “power” because you’re inferior. 

Taesan is weak again and he hates the feeling just as much as he hates relishing in it. 

Shutting his eyes to somehow rid of the thoughts at his disposal, Taesan takes a deep breath and decides to start anew. He can hear the muffled voices of people outside his door and he yearns to know what or who they’re talking about. 

Woonhak’s not here. He’s probably one of the people talking. Taesan’s glad that all those punches to his head took everything but his intelligence. Or his common sense, whatever. 

Speak of the devil. Woonhak bursts through the door right as Taesan says his name in his head. He seems oddly happy for someone who’s been frowning the entire week. 

“Hyung! You’re awake already?!” Woonhak looks at the clock briefly before backtracking. “Oh. It’s noon. Okay, whatever!” He skips over to Taesan’s bedside and sits down hastily. Taesan winces at how Woonhak almost topples over on the stool and risks some injuries of his own. 

“What’s got you so happy?” Taesan almost smiles at the younger’s enthusiasm before the cut on his lip stops him. Even his body doesn’t want him to be happy, apparently. 

“Your doctor said you can leave, like, today! As long as you can stand up and at least bend your arm, you’re good!” Woonhak appears happier than Taesan feels. Yeah, he’s glad to be out of this prison again, but he just wants to get it over with already. 

To check out the hypothesis, Taesan bends his arm slowly at first and then picks up the pace when he figures out that he can in fact move it around. Woonhak gives him an encouraging grin and gestures for him to stand up next. 

Taesan does need some help getting off the bed—he’s used to just pushing himself off and landing on his two feet most of the time. Luckily, Woonhak gets the memo and rushes over to hold Taesan’s hand and pull him up. Princess treatment at its finest. 

“Thank you,” Taesan mutters and situates himself. The floor is cold and feels uncomfortable under Taesan’s bare feet. He’s not sure why he hasn’t asked for a pair of socks yet. 

“Feeling good?” Woonhak lets go of Taesan’s hand just to test the waters and beams with his teeth when Taesan can even take a couple of steps forward without stumbling. “Eek! You’re finally going to be out of here, hyung!” he squeals. 

At that, Taesan fights his injuries and lets a soft chuckle leave his lips. Woonhak’s always been the more enthusiastic of the two, even when it wasn’t something for him to be happy about himself. 

“Yeah, I feel normal.” Taesan nods and ignores the way he can feel his brain sloshing against his skull. Headaches are a common occurrence whether he faints or not, so it’s routine now. 

“Okay, cool. I’ll tell your doctor. I brought you some of my clothes because I was too scared to break into your house again.” Woonhak points somewhere near the couch where he’d usually be sleeping and completely skips over what information just left his mouth. 

“You— What?” Taesan stops everything and looks at Woonhak as if he’s admitted to murder. Which he kind of has. 

“Huh?” Woonhak gives Taesan an innocent smile. The ravenette sighs. 

“Break into my house? Again ?” Taesan emphasizes the idea of recurrence because he wasn’t made aware of the first time such a thing happened. 

“Just jokes, hyung.” Woonhak shrugs and puts on that high-teen grin of his. “To get your mind off things.” Taesan lets it slide this once. 

—

Walking home with Woonhak is something that hasn’t happened for a while. Usually, the two will separate ways when they reach Woonhak’s block (which is a good five blocks away from Taesan’s) but today is a special occasion. Plus, Taesan can’t call an ambulance himself if he faints again, so Woonhak has to be on standby. 

“It’s odd not having the university call for your absences. They really don’t care, huh?” Woonhak makes small talk as they walk side-by-side. His hands are in his pockets and he looks like the epitome of a still-in-high-school teen. 

“They’re more lenient, but it sucks sometimes. Like last week.” Taesan shrugs. He mirrors Woonhak’s behavior and shoves his hands into his hoodie pocket too, though with some difficulty because his left arm has a huge ass cast that makes it hard to fit through the small kangaroo pocket. 

“I miss it, though. Having my mom freak out from time to time because you weren’t at school.” 

When Taesan says that he and Woonhak are close, he means it. They’ve been friends since childhood. Since Taesan’s parents left the picture. Woonhak’s mother was oh so kind to act as a guardian for him, providing safety and food whenever his aunt couldn’t. It was nice. 

It got to the point where instead of his aunt, Woonhak’s mother’s name would be on information cards. The school would call her instead of his aunt. And Taesan was glad for that because God knows what his aunt would do if she ever found out that Taesan was skipping school as much as he did in his adolescent years. 

Soon, skipping school turned into missing it for real. Sometimes he could barely get up without stumbling and eventually blacking out. Sometimes, the atmosphere would suffocate him without anyone even laying a finger on him and he’d be out cold. 

Woonhak was there for it all. He is still here for it all. That’s why they’re walking together, and that’s why Taesan and him are so close. 

“I’m really grateful for you, Hak.” Taesan suddenly whispers, catching Woonhak off-guard. The younger guy almost stumbles on air and stops in his steps, looking at Taesan with a mix of happiness and shock on his face. 

“I’m— I’m grateful for you too, Taesan. I’m glad to have someone to look over even though I’m younger.” Woonhak calms down and continues walking, slightly jogging to catch up with Taesan. “I always wanted an older sibling. And then you came.” He grins. 

Taesan fights a smile but gives in after a couple of seconds. He hides it from Woonhak because he knows the guy will blabber about it for ages. 

On the topic of hiding things, Taesan usually never hides things from Woonhak. From his past crushes to his deepest regrets, Woonhak knew everything. He probably doesn’t remember anything of less importance than what he prioritizes, but Taesan doesn’t mind. 

The only thing Taesan’s hid from him so far is…

… Bubble. 

Taesan stops walking immediately. Woonhak takes a second to notice but turns around in an instant when he sees Taesan, pale-faced as if he’s about to go down again. 

“Hyung? What’s wrong?” Woonhak doesn’t bombard him with questions because, after years of fainting episodes, he knows that’s what Taesan hates the most. 

Taesan can’t focus on Woonhak’s questions, though. His throat tightens up and he can’t even imagine doing so much as opening his mouth because he fears he’ll puke. 

I haven’t fed Bubble. I haven’t changed her water. It’s been over a week. 

Taesan’s eyes search around his surroundings for something, anything that could lead him right to the answer. He wants to know that Bubble is alive. Wants to know that the slim possibility hit him and that he got lucky—he wants to know that Bubble is in fact as strong as he thinks she is. 

Woonhak waits a few seconds but eventually cracks under the face of silence. He cautiously walks up to Taesan and holds his shoulders to keep him steady. His eyes are still blown wide and he doesn’t even seem to be breathing anymore. 

“You have to breathe, Taesan,” Woonhak whispers, rubbing the guy’s shoulder comforting. Taesan does start breathing again, but with the breathing comes the realization. 

It dawns upon him that Bubble isn’t immortal nor is she eternal. 

Taesan crumbles. A wretched sob leaves his mouth. 

“T-Taesan?” Woonhak’s eyes go wide at the sight of his friend breaking down in his arms. It hasn’t happened for a while. 

Taesan can’t even form words to explain what’s going on. The only person who knew about Bubble was Leehan and he hasn’t messaged the guy for ages. He doesn’t even know his house address because Woonhak was the one who delivered the cookies that day, not Leehan. 

“W-We have to go to– to my house now !” Taesan screams and breathes in dangerously fast. Woonhak can barely keep up with him but springs into action and follows closely behind Taesan as he speed-walks the rest of the block.

“What’s going on, Tae?” To be frank, Woonhak is scared shitless. He’s never seen Taesan like this before, and he’s known him for practically a decade !

“My— I haven’t…” Taesan stops walking for a second to think back on everything. “No, no, she’s…” 

Woonhak gulps because he still doesn’t understand. He doesn’t question further and grabs Taesan’s castless arm. He makes a run for it and takes Taesan with him. 

They reach Taesan’s house in no time. Woonhak takes Taesan’s keys out of his hand after seeing him fumble with them for a couple of seconds and unlocks the door with ease. Taesan storms into the house and books it for his room. 

Woonhak follows him mindlessly, dying to know what’s wrong with his best friend. It’s only when he turns the corner and sees Taesan standing in his doorframe, not moving so much as a muscle , that he realizes what’s happening. 

With his height, he’s able to peek into Taesan’s room. And right there, on the ravenette’s desk, is the scene of the crime. 

A fish, upside down, completely still. It’s near the bottom of the tank. 

Taesan doesn’t even try to scream anymore. He just cries and walks toward the fish bowl. Woonhak is right behind him because God will Taesan faint if someone isn’t here. 

“Oh, Taesan…” Woonhak whispers, watching as the guy kneels to look at his dead fish with sorrow. “We didn’t know you had a pet…” He walks over slowly so as not to trigger Taesan and looks at the poor fish with sympathy. 

Taesan doesn’t respond to him. His tears say enough and Woonhak doesn’t push him to say anything more. He understands that this pet must have meant a lot to Taesan. 

“Bubble…” Taesan whimpers. Woonhak concludes that the beautiful fish’s name was Bubble. “I’m so sorry for leaving you, Bubble…” He claws at his desk, scraping off some of the paint. 

Eventually, Taesan drops down entirely and holds his head in his hands. This Is the worst Woonhak has ever seen his hyung, and it hurts him so much. He can’t imagine how Taesan must be feeling. 

Suddenly, it hits Woonhak. 

No wonder he’s been talking with Leehan so much. He had a pet. 

Woonhak feels over a hundred times worse and kneels to comfort his older friend. He almost feels guilty that he hadn’t known about the fish named Bubble for the past month and a half that Taesan had him. 

“Taesan, it’s not your fault.” Woonhak feels that he has to tell Taesan that verbally because he knows it’s all the guy is thinking right now. “Bubble doesn’t blame you. Please don’t blame yourself…” he whispers, tears of his own threatening to fall. 

“ No! It is my f-fault!” Taesan hits his head with his arm—the same one that’s been in a cast for the past week. Woonhak’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, but he doesn’t yell because he knows Taesan is extremely vulnerable and probably feeling overstimulated as is. 

“It’s not, Taesan…” 

A tear falls down Woonhak’s cheek silently. He quickly wipes it off so his best friend doesn’t think that that’s his fault too and, with the least amount of pressure ever, grabs Taesan’s forearm and brings his arm down from hitting himself again. 

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye. She— She died thinking I abandoned her! ” 

Woonhak can’t even say anything to that. He doesn’t get how Taesan is feeling. This is new for Taesan and him both. 

“She knows you care about her. She won’t blame you, ever. She won’t want you to blame yourself for something that isn’t your doing either, Taesannie.” Woonhak watches as another cry shivers through Taesan’s frame with fear and sorrow in his eyes.

“I don’t…” Taesan lifts his head from where it’s been resting on his arms. He looks at Woonhak with red eyes. “I don’t believe you.” 

—

Taesan didn’t sleep last night. He cried his eyes out as he watched Woonhak flush Bubble down the toilet because he almost threw up when he tried to do it himself. 

Woonhak was very reluctant to leave. He didn’t want Taesan to be in such a vulnerable state and risk having his aunt find him. Unfortunately, Taesan insisted that he leave because he felt bad for burdening the younger with his feelings. Woonhak left begging Taesan to answer when he called him at home. 

Now he’s just thoughtless. He can’t remember what he’s supposed to feel—sad? Angry at himself? Is he supposed to feel nothing at all?

Exactly what is grief? And why does he not know how to express it properly?

Sighing, Taesan turns over in his bed and stares at the empty spot on his desk where Bubble once swam around in her tank. He quickly grows angry at the Bubble-less sight and stands up too fast for his liking, almost instantly tumbling back down onto his bed. 

I’m going to replace her. Taesan decides impulsively. Internally, he wants to rip out his hair at the mere idea of putting another fish in Bubble's beloved spot, but he’s also scarily aware of how he may spiral if he doesn’t have something to lean on every bad day. 

He still hasn’t talked to Leehan. He’s been feeling like too much of a burden to everyone. But he does know that he’s going to end up seeing the guy later today when he picks up Bubble 2.0, so he might as well find something to talk about if the guy sparks up conversation. Something other than his busted lip, broken arm, and very puffy face. 

Taesan gets up and slips on his shoes effortlessly. He doesn’t bother to change out of Woonhak’s hoodie that he oh so kindly lent to him the other day. He feels just as disgusting as he imagines he looks but he can’t care enough to do anything about it. 

He’s lucky to not run into his aunt on the way out. She hasn’t been home for the past few days, but what would Taesan know? He hasn’t been home either. He just assumes so because she hasn’t called, or texted, or even acknowledged his absence at home anyway. 

Shaking the thought of the woman away, Taesan storms out of the house and walks the path that he’s been walking for a while now—straight to Leehan’s Pet Shop.

—

As usual, Leehan is at work. He’s roaming through the many aisles of products, scouting for anything that should be restocked, replaced, or removed. The only bad thing about being your own boss is having to manage the store yourself too. 

Riwoo is also in the store. He’s at the register and they’re going to switch places in just 15 minutes since the guy’s social battery drained a couple of hours ago. Leehan doesn’t mind—it just means more chillaxing for himself. 

The bells above the store door ring out a familiar tune and the sound of the door shutting follows soon after. Leehan walks out of the aisle he’s in, deeming his inspection of the store complete. He walks up to the front to give Riwoo the list of observations he’s made along his stroll when he sees something odd.

Riwoo looks quite shaken. Not scared, just concerned. And that’s out of place for someone who usually remains stoic even in the most heart-shaking moments. 

Leehan follows Riwoo’s gaze and almost drops his notepad when he sees Taesan walking past the register like it’s any other day. He almost feels paralyzed as he watches Taesan slowly approach the back of the store, donning a cast on his arm and a fat cut on his lower lip. 

Leehan’s head snaps to Riwoo who gives him a warning look and gestures toward Taesan’s descending frame harshly. Leehan gets the memo, throws the notepad at Riwoo (as respectfully as he can), and rushes over to where Taesan is headed. 

The fish aisle? I thought he said one fish was good enough. Leehan’s brows furrow but he follows Taesan nonetheless. He manages to catch up to him as he’s staring at the same species of fish that he always does—the corydoras. 

“...Taesan?” Leehan calls out, hoping he won’t scare the other on accident. Taesan barely spares him a glance and continues moving down the aisle to look at other species too. “Are you okay?” Leehan follows him. 

Taesan remains silent and puts his hand on one of the tanks, following the path of one of the more active fishies as it swims delightfully. Leehan doesn’t want to urge an answer out of him so he, too, remains quiet. 

“I’m fine,” Taesan responds suddenly. Leehan almost rolls his eyes at the expected answer. 

It’s so obvious that you’re not fine. He wants to say. He wants to say that so badly but he knows he can’t because then he won’t get a response out of Taesan at all. 

“Are you sure? What happened to your arm?” Leehan tries to divert the topic from Taesan’s feelings to his newfound injury. The other hadn’t texted him about any injury thus far. 

What am I kidding? He hasn’t texted me for the past week. Leehan frowns when Taesan looks down at his arm as if he’s forgotten about his own injury and sighs. 

“Nothing happened…” Taesan, ever the liar, dismisses his issues easily. “I’m fine,” he repeats. It’s as if he’s trying to coax himself into believing that thick lie, too. 

“Taesan, I’m not going to force an answer out of you, but it’s obvious that something happened.” Leehan approaches Taesan less cautiously this time. He barely notices how Taesan fidgets with the fingers of his free hand at the observation. 

“I-if you’re not going to force an answer out of me, why are you asking at all..?” Taesan mumbles, looking at Leehan’s shoes since he can’t quite meet his eyes. He’s nervous. Leehan can tell that from a mile away. 

What Leehan can’t tell is that Taesan is also getting frustrated. With nerves comes the idea that he’ll faint again—he doesn’t want to faint again. He’ll do anything to stop it. That’s where the anger comes in. 

“I just want to know that you’re okay, Taesan. You haven’t texted me for a week. You haven’t answered my calls, didn’t even tell me anything and now you’re showing up unannounced as if nothing’s happened. If you could just tell me what’s happening I–” 

“I said I’m fine !” Taesan yells as he shoves Leehan back harshly. His eyes widen almost instantaneously after he realizes what he’s just done and his face flashes in regret. 

Leehan, who also was starting to grow frustrated with Taesan’s oblivious act, also drops his expression. He doesn’t even register that Taesan’s just shoved him backward (with a lot of force, might he add) because he’s too focused on the guy’s face. 

Leehan’s gaze softens as he searches in Taesan’s eyes for anything that could tell him he’s okay. He gives up after a couple of seconds and simply watches Taesan, a slightly hurt look on his face now. 

“Taesan?” 

Taesan’s frozen expression cracks at the sound of his name leaving Leehan’s mouth and he breaks down immediately. Leehan opens his arms naturally and embraces Taesan who is now sobbing yet again. He doesn’t know why his Taesan is crying, but Leehan is sure that he needs comfort above anything else. 

“It’s okay, Taesan,” Leehan whispers, holding him tightly. He sure fucking hopes Riwoo is busting his ass off at that register because he can’t afford for some judgy eyes to see Taesan so vulnerable right now. 

“It’s—It’s not okay!” Taesan cries into Leehan’s shoulder, gripping onto the latter so tightly that his unkept nails might go through his skin entirely. “I’m s-so sorry, Leehan…” he whimpers quietly.

Leehan’s aware mind realizes that this isn’t a conversation they should have in the middle of a pet shop and he eyes the break room enticingly. Realizing that nobody else is inside since he and Riwoo are working full-time today, he rubs Taesan’s back and whispers something. 

“Come on, Taesan. Let’s get you into the break room so you can sit down, okay?” Leehan’s hand reaches the other’s hair and he pulls away slowly to ensure Taesan is on board. “You’re going to be okay, Taesan. I’m right here.” he coos. 

Taesan simply follows Leehan’s orders without saying a single word, sobs leaving his mouth at a definitely concerning rate. When he passes by the aisle to get to the break room, Leehan makes eye contact with Riwoo who gives the duo an apologetic look, signaling to his phone that he’s already called Winter for backup. Leehan thanks him silently. 

They enter the break room and Leehan situates Taesan on one of the loveseats. He then sits right next to him, a hand on his shoulder to tell him wordlessly that he’s still there. 

As soon as Leehan’s butt hits the chair, Taesan practically pounces onto him, seeking warmth in his embrace yet again. Leehan, despite being surprised, relaxes into the feeling and closes his eyes. 

“You’re okay. I’m here. You can tell me anything whenever you feel comfortable, okay?” Leehan keeps his voice low to not attract people outside and to form a sense of intimacy—Taesan should know that Leehan is, in fact, only speaking to him. 

“It– It was my fault. I… I killed her, Leehan!” Taesan does the exact opposite and screams out his confession. Leehan is quite taken aback by the choice of words but doesn’t jump to conclusions. 

“Nothing is your fault. Can you tell me what happened?” Leehan runs a hand through Taesan’s hair to calm him down. 

Whether Taesan actually killed an unsuspecting civilian or not, he does not know, but he’s willing to help the guy out with his feelings at the very least. 

“It’s all my f-fault… I wasn’t watching where I was going and— and I bumped into them and they hit me and I— I fainted again like I always fucking do —” 

“Woah, Taesan, can you slow down and breathe for me, please?” Leehan pulls away from the hug to make sure that Taesan’s actually respirating because, from how he just spoke, it doesn’t seem like it. Also, Leehan can’t keep up with the tornado of information speeding at him. 

Taesan looks at him with bloodshot, teary eyes. He breathes in and out twice before Leehan mutters a small ‘ Thank you, Taesan-ah, ’ and lets him continue. 

Now that Taesan’s calmed down just a wee bit—he says a wee bit because he’s definitely still sobbing his eyes out and breathing quite jaggedly—Leehan can ask for specifics. 

“Can I ask questions about what happened?” Leehan asks for consent first because he’s never gotten this personal with Taesan despite knowing him for over a month. When Taesan nods, Leehan jumps into his first inquiry. “When was this?” 

“A week ago,” Taesan whispers. Suddenly, something clicks in Leehan’s mind. 

No wonder he didn’t text me back. Or respond to my calls. Or do anything. 

“I– I was just trying to walk back and then I bumped into the— the people you told me about. Yeojung and Jaejun? Them…” Taesan explains further, much to Leehan’s pleasure. “I froze up and… they… hit me…?” Taesan tilts his head cause he can’t seem to remember that much either, apparently. 

Leehan’s eyes widen at the information. He knew he should have been more explicit when warning Taesan about those guys—but what could he do? It’s not like Taesan’s psychic and could tell he was going to bump into them. Leehan can’t blame him. 

“They hit you enough to send you to the hospital? Fucking…” Leehan is about to start cursing out the absent duo when Taesan shakes his head quickly. Leehan’s curiosity has been gauged. 

“I fainted.” Taesan starts, “I have a condition. But that’s not—” Though he tries to switch the topic, Leehan is quick to bounce back. 

“No, Taesan, tell me more, please? I want to know just in case something else happens.” Leehan’s not sure when his hand ended up on Taesan’s, but it must have been out of instinct. He just really wants to help the ravenette wherever he can. 

“Another time, please?” 

Taesan blinks up at Leehan, pleading with his eyes. Leehan won’t make Taesan say anything he doesn’t want to, so he nods wordlessly and urges him to continue with his anecdote. 

“I woke up in the hospital. Woonhak told me everything. They broke my arm…” Taesan lifts his broken arm for reference. Leehan grimaces. “And then… When I was walking home a week later, I– I realized…” Taesan bites his lip and stops talking. 

Leehan tries to fill in the gap himself. It’s only after a few seconds of critical thinking that Leehan finally gets it, and he looks at Taesan with an evenly melancholic look in his eyes. 

“Oh, Taesan…” he mutters, opening his arms for a hug if the other wants. Taesan accepts and just lets his body fall onto Leehan’s, not crying anymore. “I want you to know that it’s not your fault at all. None of this happened because of you.” He speaks loudly to make sure Taesan can hear him. 

“That’s what Woonhak said.” Taesan groans and nuzzles into the crook of Leehan’s neck. It tickles a bit and Leehan almost lets out a chuckle at the feeling but holds himself back due to the seriousness of the situation they’re in. 

“You should believe him. And I know you don’t want to believe it, but it’s the truth. Bubble knows you care about her deeply. You proved it to me when we spoke on the phone a couple of weeks ago, remember? How you were willing to change so many small things just to make her life better?”

Taesan is quiet as he considers Leehan’s words. Leehan just hopes that he isn’t coming up with a way to refute the ideas he’s bringing up. 

“Kinda.” Is all Taesan says. Leehan can’t help but snort at the brevity of his acceptance. 

“See? You’re an amazing pet owner. Don’t think otherwise, alright?” Leehan pats the ravenettes back and pulls away from their hug for what seems to be the millionth time today. Taesan nods silently, looking down at Leehan’s lap. 

“Thank you, Leehan,” he murmurs. Leehan doesn’t make a big deal of his gratitude even though he’s freaking out internally from being able to help. “I feel bad for being so emotional with Woonhak now.” he frowns. 

Leehan sighs and wipes the stray tears off Taesan’s face, muttering something about how he’s sure that Woonhak will be happier to know that Taesan’s alright now. 

Taesan accepts Leehan’s notion and thanks him again shyly. His tears are long gone—Leehan’s glad that he’s calm, but now he’s faced with a new adversity. 

So I’ll have to give those two a taste of their own medicine. Again.