Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rafe wanted to scream, to break something so he wouldn’t have to deal with the feelings he had. He got kicked out of the house again, his father, Sarah and him were having a big argument. It was such a silly argument he wanted to laugh, he was only trying to cry out for help in the only way he knew how. His father told him to stop seeking attention and brought up how he shot Sarah. Sarah walked in on the conversation only adding to what her father said. What made things worse was he was sober, and John B was there standing there and watching with a hint of a smirk on his face. God he hated that kid, the pogues, the only one he kind of liked was JJ. He remembers a time when the Maybanks used to live next to Tannyhill. Rafe, Topper, and JJ used to all hangout when they were younger, that was before Luke Maybanks wife got murdered. He remembers hearing about it, cops say it was a home invasion. It was about 2 years after the murder Luke, and JJ moved, somehow ended up in the south side in the cut. Things between the trio were never quite the same again, whether JJ could remember or refused to, Rafe didn’t know. He thought JJ understood him when they were younger, that’s why he hung out with Maybank. It frustrated him that Maybank moved on so fast, and became a pogue. He remembers Topper telling him how JJ held him at gunpoint.

Kegger Party 1 year ago

The start of the party was chill. A lot of kids from the cut came to party and relax with friends. Everything was going well until Kiara spotted Sarah, they used to be friends in the ninth grade, but that changed during the 10th grade. Topper looked around finding JJ and smiled, which seemed to go unnoticed by the man himself. He sighed heavily before trying to get his girlfriend to be with him. The party continued without a hitch, until later that evening.

“John B!” JJ exclaimed as he approached.

“What are you doing?” John B inquired

“Yo, you want this one?” JJ asked as he held up the cup.

“For me? Yeah I’ll have a sip.” John B replies as he makes to grab the cup, that’s yanked away too soon.

“Oh wait, hey, hey, hey Sarah.” JJ greats as he turns to make eye contact. “Sarah, can I interest you in a tasty milwaukee beverage?” He finished with a hint of a smile.

“No thanks.” Sarah spoke politely.

“Is it not fancy enough for you?” JJ asked, sounding slightly disappointed.

“No, we were just leaving.” Sarah explained nervously.

Sarah was kind of scared of JJ; she's seen the way he was when they were kids. The way he seemed just as unhinged and psychotic as Rafe. She was kind of glad when the Maybanks moved out, all the yelling and banging noises that came from that house scared her. She watched as JJ tried to ask again only for topper to spill the drink. That’s when JJ’s mood suddenly changed as he grabbed Topper by the shirt, only to be pulled away by John B.

“Dirty Pogues!” Toper exclaimed.

That’s when the real fighting began the boys held their own, it was pretty entertaining until Topper started to drown John B. She couldn’t look her eyes drifted to JJ and she observed as he debated all of one second before running towards his friend. She watched as he pulled the gun and held it to Topper's head.

“Yeah, you know what this is?” JJ asked in all seriousness “Your move broski.” He finished

Sarah, and the rest of the Pogues started calling out JJ’s name trying to get him to calm down while everyone else started running back towards the tree line.

“Put the gun down!” Sarah demanded her voice shaky.

“Did you say something, princess?” JJ asked as he continued to look at Topper.

“We’re good, we’re good!” Topper exclaimed as he looked JJ in the eyes.

JJ’s eyes were blown wide, the same way Rafe’s eyes would look whenever he beat up one of the pogues. This terrified him, because they used to be friends growing up.

“Kie, can you check your psycho friend, please?” Sarah asked, sounding panicked.

“Why don’t you worry about checking your psycho brother.” JJ scowled as he looked Topper dead in the eye and pulled the trigger.

Topper flinched expecting there to be some sort of pain, but nothing came. The next second he felt JJ grab his hair and drag him into the water.

“Next time I won’t have the safety on.” JJ whispered into Topper's ear. “Just remember I can be worse than Rafe when he’s high, don’t you ever forget that.” He finished knowing Topper was the only one who heard him and understood what he meant.

Present

Rafe took a deep breath as he reached his destination, the beach just outside the cut. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, especially at this time of the night. He looked at his phone and noted that it was four in the morning. The waves looked pretty good and it looked like it was high tide recently. He felt his pockets and sighed in relief as he felt the pocket knife and gun he had brought with him. He’s been sober for a couple of months, and he wants to keep it that way, but it’s so hard when no one seems to understand him. The recent fight with his father and sister, kind of confirmed that maybe he wasn’t wanted. Rafe tried to ask for help, he’s told his father multiple times that he feels like there's something wrong with himself. That man never listens, he’s tried to tell Sarah but she just brushed him off. Wheezie is just too young and he doesn’t want to burden her with his issues. There was truly no one in the world he could talk to about this, Topper was out of the question, he’s been a real shitty friend lately. Rafe is snapped out of his thoughts by a yell, he looks up and sees JJ coming out of the water with his surfboard. He was shocked to see the bruises in various different stages of healing, littering the boy's torso. Most of them looked fresh, he gasped seeing JJ’s face as the man looked up. JJ’s lip was split, he had a fresh bruise covering the entire left side of his face. Rafe smiled watching JJ being carefree, sometimes he wished he could do the same thing. He placed each of the weapons down in front of him and started to weigh the pros and cons of each. He wanted something quick, and messy, but both weapons could do the job. A tear slipped down his face as he picked up the gun, and weighed it in his hand. He didn’t really want to go, but what choice did he have? If his family didn’t want him, then who else? Rafe closed his eyes as took the safety off and cocked the gun, he slowly raised his head almost ready to pull the trigger when he heard his name being called.

“Rafe!” JJ exclaimed as he spotted the guy after coming off his last wave. “You Kook! What are you doing man?” JJ asked sincerely as he approached the man board forgotten.

JJ was out surfing in the moonlight and was on his fifth wave before he noticed Rafe sitting alone in the far distance; he wasn't too concerned initially until he saw Rafe pull out a knife and gun. Recently he’s been remembering glimpses of his childhood from when he was 4 years old till he was about 7 years old. He remembers living next to Tannyhill, and hanging out with Topper, Rafe, and Sarah when they were younger. He could remember Ward always yelling at Rafe even if he wasn’t at fault. He lived next to the Cameron's for most of his childhood until he was 7 years old. That's when his father decided to move to the cut and rent out the house. He remembers the night of his mother’s murder the way his father kept beating her with a wrench, and the way Shoupe helped his father cover it up. It was awful, it only took his father 2 years to move out after his mothers death. And in those two years he’s had so many injuries that prevented him from attending third grade. Which is how he met John B, Pope and Kiara, this was after he moved to the cut with his father.

“I can’t do this anymore JJ.” Rafe said his voice was shaky as uncontrollable tears started to drop onto the sand.

JJ shook his head as he saw Rafe ready to pull the trigger he was able to wrap his hand around the barrel and push just as Rafe fired the gun.

Chapter Text

Topper, and Kelce were searching for Rafe especially after the weird text they got. “Sorry, I’ve been a shit friend, and I’m sorry for everything I put you guys through, I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye.” Wrote the text they both received. It sounded way to much like a suicide letter. It was currently 4:30am in the morning when they checked the house, and they were told Rafe was kicked out. They then checked the little house that borders the Cut, and they found nothing. Topper and Kelce searched a couple other places, before they heard the loud gun shot that sounded like it came from the beach. They hurriedly ran towards the beach and froze at what they saw. JJ’s face was covered in blood as his hand was holding the barrel, while Rafe’s fingers unraveled around the trigger. JJ froze as he felt the warm hot liquid spray his face, he felt as Rafe's hand went slack on the gun. Ignoring the burning sensation in his hand he threw the gun to the side and turned to Rafe. He checked the older boy for injuries and spotted the head wound. JJ swore to himself as he took out a knife and started to cut at Rafe’s T-Shirt he needed to stop the bleeding. The wound itself looked like a graze, but he needed to stop the bleeding. JJ, not having it, placed Rafe onto his side before sitting on top of him to limit mobility. He pressed the ruined T-shirt to the injured area and added a small amount of pressure. Rafe was blinded by the pain he felt in the back of his skull. When he felt pressure being added to it he tried to pull away.

“Don’t be difficult Rafe, I need to stop the bleeding.” JJ spoke as he held the destroyed T-shirt to the open wound. “You might have a concussion.” He finished as he checked Rafe’s eyes to see they were uneven.

“Stop!! It hurts.” Rafe whined.

JJ unaware that he had company sighed as he brushed the hair out of Rafe’s face. Topper and Kelce quietly walked closer so they could hear the exchange between the two.

“I’m sorry Rafe, I’m so sorry, but I can’t stop.” JJ spoke into the man’s ear. “I don’t want you to bleed out on me.” He got up and moved to sit behind Rafe as the bleeding seemed to slow down a little.

“Why’d you do it? Why’d you save me?” Rafe asked, tears streaming down his face. “I thought you hated me, hated us.” He finished talking about the rest of his friends.

“We made a promise to each other, don’t you remember it?” JJ spoke as he looked down to his blood filled hands. “We promised each other we’d talk before it ever got this far.” He said feeling Rafe tremble as he let his walls down.

“But, you hate me, hate us.” Rafe reiterated. “I have no one to turn to.” He responded with a shaky voice as he let the tears fall.

JJ shook his head as he wrapped his arms around Rafe to give the man a hug. Rafe struggled to get away not wanting to seem weak.

“Rafe, just let me, I gotcha.” JJ spoke in a non-judgmental voice. “This doesn’t make you weak, and I don’t hate you, I never did.” He whispered into the man's ear.

Topper and Kelce looked to one another and silently agreed to walk away, as it looked like the situation was being handled. They didn’t really trust JJ considering he was a Pogue, but when he mentioned that promise he had made about 10 years ago when he was seven before he moved. It gave them hope that maybe JJ Maybank might be accepting the past. 

Rafe shook his head as he cried silently into JJ’s shoulder, it felt nice to have a healthy release of emotions. However the current situation left him confused, he thought JJ hated him. After a couple minutes Rafe was all cried out and pushed JJ away. JJ let him and stood up silently, the burn on his hand momentarily forgotten as silence was filled by the waves. Rafe couldn’t believe what just happened JJ Maybank saved him, from committing suicide JJ Maybank. He was in disbelief, his brain now just processing the events of the last few minutes of his life. He didn’t know what to do, should he tell his friends what happened, or should he keep it a secret? Will Maybank tell his friends the rest of the Pogues including his sister? What would his family think, if they found out? Would they encourage the suicidal thoughts? Or would they finally see that he’s desperate for help. All these thoughts were sending him into a blind panic. JJ just held on tighter, he checked the wound and smiled seeing it had stopped bleeding. He dropped the ruined T-shirt before directing one of Rafe’s hands to his chest.

“Just, breathe Rafe, we have all the time in the world.” JJ whispered. “Just feel the beating of my heart and try to match the pace.” He finished smiling as Rafe seems to focus on that.

Rafe looked up from where he was sitting, wrapped in JJ’s arms, this felt nice, felt like one of his fantasy’s where coming true. He’s had a crush on JJ Maybank ever since they were children and he didn’t know what to do with it. Not then and especially not now, it seems weird they were always fighting one another.

“I’m so sorry man… I don’t know what I was thinking.” Rafe spoke once he finally calmed down.

“You don’t have to be sorry for anything Rafe.” JJ spoke as he let go of Rafe. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here. If you’d rather sit in silence till you're ready to go I’m cool with that too.” He finished as he sat down patting the spot next to him.

“I… I wouldn’t know where to start?” Rafe admitted he wanted to share his struggles with someone, but he didn’t know how.

“Why not start from where we left off?” JJ answered. “What have I missed in the past decade or so since we were children?”

“You remember us?” Rafe asked, sounding surprised. “I thought you chose to hate us, especially after you got held back.”

“I don’t hate you or the rest of the guys, a lot of things happened back then.” JJ replied with a slight frown. “So much trauma, that I think I just ended up forgetting. I’m starting to remember.” He admitted shyly, when the Pogues asked him about his childhood he often found those memories gone.

Rafe nodded as they sat in silence together before he started explaining to JJ the events that led him to go to the beach, growing up, his drug use, his father forcing him to help, and why he thinks something is wrong with himself. To his surprise JJ just sat there and listened, never interrupted him, never asking for more information than he was willing to admit. He’s the first person besides Topper to ever take a moment to hear his side of the story, it made him feel seen. The weight he was carrying on his shoulders was no longer there.

“I don’t know man, I can’t tell you that it gets easier, because it doesn’t there are some days you’ll crave it, and other days where it’s just a mere thought.” JJ explained having experienced addiction of his own. “I’m proud of you, proud that you're sober.”

“Mhm… Thanks” Rafe said as he looked up to the sky and saw the sun was rising. “Look I have to go to the hospital, if you tell anyone what happened here today I’m going to kill you.” Rafe spoke seriously as he stood up, looked at his phone and noted that it was 7:30am.

“I have no doubt Rafe.” JJ said with a wink. “Go back to your Kook friends, they’ll be looking for you.” He joked as he watched Rafe walk away after collecting the gun and knife off the sand.

He hasn’t told the Pogues that he used to be a Kook, mostly because he truly couldn’t remember until recently. JJ just hoped Sarah would keep her mouth shut, noting that she was dating John B. The feelings Rafe shared, felt similar to his own in certain instances. It made him realize that maybe they were more alike than he thought. They always sought each other out in fights, neither one giving a fuck how badly they injure the other. JJ shook his head as he walked back towards the water to collect his surfboard, he looked down at his hand seeing the blood and red burn marks that got left behind. He needed to get his hands cleaned up and bandaged, once he got to the chateau.

Meanwhile at the air strip 10:00am

Deputy Shoupe and a couple of other officers showed up, after tracking Officer Peterkin to the airstrip owned by the Cameron’s.

“This isn’t good.” Shoupe spoke as he looked at the dead body of his officer. “Looks like she died between the hours of 5:00 to 7:00 am this morning.” He spoke as he looked at the body.

“The coroner should be here soon, she can get an accurate time stamp for the time of death.” An Officer spoke as he started to Canvas the area. “I’ll canvas the area until the others arrive.”

“Well, I have a list of suspects Ineed to hunt down, I’ll start with Ward.” Shoupe spoke as he covered the body so no more evidence could be ruined.

Shoupe shook his head as he headed towards his car, got in and promptly left the scene leaving his officers to do the work. The loss of his officer especially after John B and Sarah came back, SHoupe still remembered the threat JJ yelled the night they went missing.

Outside Tannyhill the night John B and Sarah went missing

Rafe, Topper, Kelce were all hanging out on the front lawn of Tannyhill, when they spotted Deputy Shoupe’s car parked out front. They frowned as they watched him just sit there, They all walked over to the edge of the property, with a football on hand. They wanted to see what was going on without being too noticeable. Shoupe sighed as he sat inside the car parked just outside Tannyhill, he didn’t really know what to do with JJ. He winced as he took a deep breath, the kid  probably bruised some of his ribs. He was just glad they were able to sedate him before too much damage was done. Shoupe remembers JJ’s mother telling him about the psychological report that was done when JJ was 5 years old. She said JJ had BPD as well as IED (intermittent explosive disorder), when he got out of control, and blinded by the rage sometimes they had used Sedatives, other times Rafe was able to calm him down, He was snapped out of his thoughts by a groan in the back seat. Shoupe got out of the car and opened the doors to the back seat, only to receive a kick to the stomach causing him to stumble back.

“Fuck you Shoupe!” JJ yelled as he punched the Deputy in the face “Was that really necessary?” He finished as he closed the doors to the back seat.

Rafe, Topper, and Kelce stopped what they were doing to watch the exchange between their former friend and Deputy Shoupe. They watched as JJ threw a couple more punches before Shoupe was able to wrap his hands around JJ and held him against the car until JJ calmed down.

“Why, did you become a cop, Shoupe?” JJ asked once he calmed down and Shoupe let go of him. “You don’t uphold the law, you’re corrupt, just like Peterkins.”

“I’m not a corrupt kid.” Shoupe tried to justify.

“You were corrupt when my mother died.” JJ spoke angrily. “I’m done talking to you Deputy, should you press charges, please remember I can end your career with what I know.” 

Rafe, Topper and Kelce quickly ran back to the lawn chairs as JJ walked passed.

Present

Shoupe took a deep breath as he parked the car in Cameron's driveway. It looked like people were home, hopefully all of them were home. It would make questioning go by faster, he wouldn’t have to hunt any of them down. He respectfully knocked on the door and was surprised when John B opened the door.

“Shoupe?” John B asked as he opened the door. “What can I do for you today?”

“Is the entire family here?” Shoupe asked as he stepped into the house.

“Ward, Sarah and I are here, Rafe. I haven't seen him since last night.” John B spoke just as Sarah came into the room. 

“The others I think are on a vacation, Deputy.” Sarah answered just as her father showed up.

“Deputy Shoupe, what's going on here?” Ward asked.

“Ward, one of my officers, Peterkin was found dead at the air strip.” Shoupe spoke. “Being that you own it, you guys were first on my lift of suspects.”  He answered as he looked at each of the individuals Ward didn’t seem surprised.

“John B and I were hanging out here at that time sleeping.” Sarah spoke up, giving the deputy there alibi.

“I was working at the office around that time.” Ward spoke lying through his teeth.

“Do any of you know the whereabouts of Rafe?” Shoupe asked just as he heard a car door slam.

“That shit head? He got kicked out last night.” Ward stated angrily. “Don’t really care where he went.

“Shoupe!” Came Topper's voice as he got out of the car. “If you’re looking for Rafe he’s in the hospital.” He spoke frowning when he saw a small smile on John B’s face, while Ward and Sarah’s face remained impassive.

“Why is he in the hospital?” Shoupe asked, sounding confused.

“I’m not sure.” Topper lied. “My mom told me she was interviewed about Officer Peterkin’s death.” He explained.

John B and Sarah watched as the Deputy seemed momentarily distracted; they took the opportunity and left heading towards the Chateau, they needed to tell the rest of the Pogues before the deputy came by. Topper gave Shoupe the location of the hospital in which Rafe was staying before he too left. By the time Shoupe turned around Ward was the only one left hanging around.

“Did you check those Pogue kids?” Ward asked, sounding angry. “I hear they hang around the airstrip from time to time.” He spoke wanting to direct the Deputy’s attention on the kids instead of himself.

“They will be next on my list of suspects. The Thorntons were questioned and a couple of other families.” Shoupe commented as he looked outside. “Well, if you know anything else please give me a call, I’d like to have this case solved soon.” He said as he waved goodbye and got into his car.

Shoupe shook his head, he needed to check out Ward’s office to see if anyone could give him an alibi. If not things weren’t looking too good, the man wasn’t surprised that Peterkin was killed. Either he did it himself or he was there when she was killed. He also needed to see if Rafe had an alibi, also needed to see why he was in the hospital in the first place.

Chapter Text

JJ 7 years old, 2yr anniversary of his mothers death

He had gotten home late after spending time with Rafe and his family, it’s the second year anniversary of his mother's death and things have gotten a lot harder. His father didn’t inherit much of his mother’s fortune, which caused him to be angry. As it turned out, according to the executor of the will, the house they lived in and most of his mothers fortune was going to be JJ’s once he turned 18. Luke Maybank blamed him for existing, he also blamed JJ for his mothers death. Tonight was probably one of the worst nights ever, Luke was on his 10th beer, and 4 or 5th line of cocaine, when JJ had entered the house. JJ never saw the beer bottle that flew across the room, and smashed into his face. He felt the tears well up immediately but bit his lip to prevent any sound from coming out of his mouth. He always knew that getting up, and making noise only made his father angrier. It started with punches to his face, then kicks to his torso. Usually his father would stop once JJ stopped defending himself but tonight he just kept on going. He screamed as he felt not one but two of his ribs break, JJ’s head was killing him as he looked up to his father.

“I TOLD YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES! DON’T LOOK AT ME!” Luke Maybank yelled as he kept kicking, thinking he was looking at his wife.

He didn’t know how many more bones were broken before he received a final kick to the head. JJ didn’t know how long it was before he woke up, what he did know was that he was in a world of pain. He remembers coughing up blood, as he tried to crawl his way to the living room table. He cries out as he tries to use his sore bruised arms to help himself sit up to see what was on the coffee table. JJ was glad Luke had gone out leaving a white powdery substance on the table as well as the home phone. He furrows his brow in pain as he stupidly decides to snort a line, he’s seen his father do it multiple times and it makes him happier. All JJ wanted at that point was to forget what he wanted to forget he didn’t know. He grabbed the card on the table and created two white lines of powder before he knelt down, and brought his nose to the table and snorted both lines. JJ remembers the first time when he remembers how all the pain he was feeling disappeared for a moment, and remembers being able to breath freely without care in the world. He felt good for the first time since his mom died, but it only lasted a second before his body felt like shutting down.

Present

JJ jolted awake from the memory, he looked around and sighed realizing he was just in the living room of the house he had inherited not too long ago. It was located next to Tannyhill, he shared lots of happy memories in this house, along with a couple sad ones. He had turned 18 just shortly after John B and Sarah went missing, a man who claimed to be the executor of his mother’s will. His mother left him a couple hundred million dollars, as well as the deed to the house that sat next to Tannyhill. He was officially a Kook again, but how does he tell his friends? With Kiara, and Pope hanging out with their families at the time he got his inheritance he felt that he needed to keep it to himself. With that he also dealt with his grief alone, he lost John B and Sarah. JJ felt like it was his fault, having given them his fathers boat. He spent the first couple weeks getting high, and when that stopped working he turned to Barry and decided to buy Cocaine. With JJ no longer being broke he also decided to check out his old house, which brought back memories of his childhood which he thought were long gone. Which brought him to where he was now, sitting on a couch next to a coffee table that had powder all over it. It’s been a month since he started using cocaine again. He wasn’t proud of it, but he needed something to take the edge of. JJ got up and cleaned the table before taking a shower and leaving the property. He needed to get to the chateau, before his friends started to worry about him. They didn’t need to know he was back on cocaine, he didn’t want to hear the lecture. He just hoped Sarah wouldn’t see it, with her brother having been using he doubted she wouldn’t. 

Meanwhile at the hospital

Rafe woke up with a groan, his head hurt a lot, he remembers arriving at the hospital telling the nurses not to call anyone before he promptly passed out. He was surprised to see Topper and Kelce standing there when he opened his eyes. He was confused because as far as he knew the nurses at the hospital didn’t inform anyone he was here.

“What are you guys doing here?” Rafe asked, sounding shocked. “I didn’t text you.”

“We heard it.” Topper said as he looked at his friend's bandaged head. “We heard the shot this morning, we were looking for you everywhere.”

“Don’t ever do that to us again.” Kelce said as he jumped to hug Rafe who returned the hug.

“Where’s Maybank?” Rafe asked as he tried to sit up.

“I’m not sure, are you going to finally act on your crush on him?” Topper teased as he helped his friend sit up.

“Maybe, I’m worried he’s using, again.” Rafe spoke. “His eyes looked the same as mine when I was high on cocaine. Not to mention he had bruises littering his entire torso.” He didn’t realize it at the moment, but as he thought back JJ was definitely high.

“Is that concern showing for a Pogue?” Kelce asked with a laugh.

“He used to be one of us.” Rafe stated as he looked around. “Though he was always more Pogue than Kook.” He smiled.

“We have some news, officer Peterkin was found dead at your dads air strip.” Topper spoke as he sat down next to the bed. “From what I hear you dads pointed the investigation towards the Pogue or you.” He finished with a sad smile.

“Of course he did.” Rafe responded with a growl.

“You’re going to need an alibi.” Kelce spoke. “The only one who can give that to you is JJ.” He pointed out which earned him a pointed look.

“He’s already asked Topper and I and we’ve given him our alibi for our whereabouts.” Kelce explained.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, I just hope he didn’t tell his Pogue friends and Sarah.” Rafe mumbled as he suddenly felt tired.

Topper and Kelce, noticing the sudden change in Rafe’s energy levels, told him it was ok to rest. Rafe promptly went to sleep. They smiled and left the hospital.

“Should we talk to JJ about it?” Kelce asked. “That dudes kind of unhinged.” He said with worry in his voice.

“We still have time, let's go to the docks and see if we can find JJ in the cut.” Topper spoke as he got into the car.

Kelce got in and they drove towards the docks. Topper quickly undid the ropes that tied the boat to the dock and they promptly left.

At the Chateau

John B and Sarah had just arrived at the Chateau after leaving Tannyhill earlier. They were surprised to see Deputy Shoupe talking outside with Kiara and Pope. JJ was nowhere to be seen.

“Deputy? What can I do for you?” John B asked, he’s already been interviewed for the investigation.

“Was just questioning your friends, about their whereabouts between 5-7am this morning.” Shoupe responded. “I was actually just about to leave, have any of you seen JJ?” He asked, he hadn’t seen the kid in quite some time.

“He left around 12am to go home and grab some clothes.” Pope answered, “He hasn’t gotten back yet.” 

“I see, thank you for your time.” Shoupe spoke as he got into his car and left.

“You that’s crazy, officer Peterkin was shot dead at the Cameron’s airstrip.” Pope spoke, sounding shocked. “Didn’t she try to help you?” He asked.

“Yeah, but she didn’t help much.” John B admitted. “Where’s JJ?” He was curious ever since they’ve been back they really haven’t seen much of their friend.

“He’s been different ever since you guys went missing.” Kiara spoke. “It was partially our fault because in the first couple of weeks we were just with family.” She had spoken truthfully.

When John B went missing she and Pope just hung around their houses helping their parents, acting as if John B and Sarah weren’t missing. They never really checked in on JJ, and by the time they had the time to check in on their friend John B and Sarah were back.

“Like how different? Is he on cocaine again?” Sarah asked, sounding worried. “You know JJ and cocaine don’t mix well, right?” She asked, JJ was just as bad as Rafe when it came to cocaine.

John B was about to ask what did Sarah mean, and how could she possibly know that when the sound of a dirt bike could be heard in the distance. They all turned to see JJ dressed in a T-Shirt and shorts, which wasn’t anything new. Sarah did notice where the pupils, JJ’s pupils, were blown wide, wider than Rafe’s when he used.

“Oh my god JJ!” Sarah exclaimed. “What the hell you promised me, you wouldn’t start.” She spoke with a voice filled with concern.

“I- I’m sorry Sarah.” JJ said as he looked down at his toes, he felt ashamed that he couldn’t stay sober for more than 2 years. “I… I just couldn’t stay away.” He admitted as tears fell onto his cheek.

“Who did you get the dope from?” Sarah asked while the other Pogues were confused.

“I got it from Barry, he has the best stuff in the area.” JJ said as he looked around. “Why was the sheriff here?” He asked as he made his way inside.

“Well, officer Peterkin was killed at the airstrip early this morning.” Kiara spoke before moving back to the previous topic. “Seriously JJ you promised Sarah and I you’d stay away from it.” She spoke, scolding him.

“You weren’t there, none of you were there.” JJ yelled angrily as he turned to look at each and everyone of them. “You all have family to get back to, when John B and Sarah were missing. I had no one.” He repeated, he thought they understood him.

“You could’ve reached out to us, even visited.” Pope said.

“WHEN!” JJ screamed as he stood toe to toe with Pope. “None of your parents like me, I texted and I called. You guys never picked up.” He spoke truthfully. “So when should I have come over?”

“We’re sorry JJ we needed time to grieve.” Kiara tried to justify.

“And I needed my family…If it was Sarah or John B you’d have texted back, or called.” JJ mumbled as he turned and walked away, all the anger suddenly drained. 

“It was your boat that caused them to go missing.” Kiara yelled at JJ, which earned a gasp from everyone. “JJ, I’m sorry you know that's not what I meant.” Kiara said as she tried to reach out to JJ.

JJ flinched hard, as any emotion that was showing on his face suddenly disappeared. The Pogues couldn’t tell what he was feeling at that moment.

“Do I though? If it were Pope you would’ve called back, you would’ve texted back.” JJ stated as he walked back to his dirtbike. “My father was right, everything’s my fault, I should’ve died years ago.” He spoke out as he got on his bike and left.

Sarah couldn’t help but let a tear slip as those words ‘everything’s my fault, I should’ve died’ in the exact tone triggered a memory.

Sarah’s memory 5 years old

Sarah gasped as she opened the door to find JJ covered in cuts and bruises.

“Rafe!” Sarah yelled she was only 5 years old at the time, but she was pretty independent. “Rafe! Come here.” She yelled as she let JJ in.

“Sarah is everything ok, who was at the door.” Rafe said coming down from his room. “Oh my god JJ what happened! Dad!” He yelled seeing the state his best friend was in.

Ward Cameron rushed down the stairs hearing his son's worried and panicked voice.

“What’s wrong Rafe, Sarah?” Ward asked as she came down the stairs and saw JJ sporting a black eye, and bruising along his jaw and throat. “Maybank, what are you doing here?” He asked, choosing to ignore the obvious.

“I’m sorry I had nowhere else to go, my father he…” JJ started with a shaky voice. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come here.” He ended up saying instead that she turned to leave.

“JJ you can stay the night if you want.” Ward spoke before looking at his children. “Just don’t break anything.”

“We won’t Dad.” Rafe spoke as he gave JJ a hug. “Come on man let's go into the living room we can hangout there, Sarah you’re welcome to join us.”

“Thanks Rafe, tonights going to be fun.” Sarah ssid excitedly.

They hung out, made a bunch of food, and then had a movie marathon. Rafe was the first one to fall asleep on the big fold out couch. Sarah intrigued by the movie didn’t notice JJ was silently crying, until small whimpers could be heard. She looked to the side and frowned as she touched JJ’s shoulder who only flashed back.

“JJ what's wrong? Why are you crying?” Sarah had asked she was so young.

“Nothing, it's just that it should've been me.” JJ whispered as tears started to flow. “My mom died because of me, today is her one year anniversary.” He answered that it felt nice to share things every once in a while.

“You don’t mean that.” Sarah spoke feeling scared. She's heard adults talk about life and death but she still didn’t have a good grasp on what that meant.

“But I do, my father even told me, everything’s my fault I should’ve died a year ago.” JJ spoke as tears started streaming down his face. “If it weren’t for me my father and mother would be living a happy life together.” He finished as he sobbed into the pillow

Present

Sarh didn’t realize she had tears streaming down her face as she thought back to the memory, her younger self didn’t understand it back then. Being as she’s older she understands it now, the guilt ridden look JJ had back when he was 6 and she was 5, was the same look he gave Kiara when she said it was his fault. What do you know a year later to the exact day an ambulance shows up at the Maybank residence, taking an unresponsive JJ to the ER. She’s suddenly snapped out of her thoughts by John B calling her name.

“Sarah! Is everything ok?” John B asked, seeing the tears falling down his girlfriend's face.

“Yes everything is fine.” Sarah said with a sniffle. “We need to go after JJ. He needs help.” She spoke feeling really worried for her friend.

“I think we should let JJ calm down, he almost punched Pope in the face.” John B responded. “I think we all just need to calm down, with SHoupe having come here to talk to you guys.” He spoke, trying to ease the tension.

“You guy’s stay here, I need to go.” Sarah spoke as she ran to her car and got in.

She couldn't help but start crying as she drove towards Tannyhill, she needed to get changed before going back out to hunt for JJ. She never wanted to see him passed out and not breathing, the first time was enough. How many more near death experiences will JJ be in before they actually lose him.

Sarah 14 years old

Sarah had just finished her play date with Kiara when she watched JJ stumbling onto her front lawn. Kiara had told her many stories of her adventures with the Pogues, and she couldn't help but smile at the mention of JJ. It sounded as though he was finally doing better.

“JJ? JJ?” Sarah called out as she rushed to help him into her house. “JJ what did you take?” She asked frantically, his eyes were blown. “I’ll be right back, JJ just hang on.”

She had an idea of what it was because she saw Rafe in a similar situation last year at a party, she quickly ran to get the first aid kit that was underneath the kitchen sink. Sarah had a brief class on the use of narcotics and how to counteract an overdose during a PE class. Sarah cheered as she found the kit and ran back down to the main entrance, she froze seeing JJ laying down on his side his chest wasn’t moving up and down.

“JJ come on please!” She exclaimed as she rolled him over onto his back and started performing CPR. “Damn it JJ dont do this to me.” She cried out as she gave him two breaths before getting the narcan out of the first aid kit.

She quickly prepared the needle and stabbed JJ in the leg with it before resuming compressions. It took another round of CPR before JJ woke up gasping for air. Sarah sighed in relief before hugging JJ.

“I don’t care if you don’t remember the past, but god JJ you used to be one of my best friends.” Sarah whispered into his ear. “Rafe still has a crush on you, you know.” She just held him there waiting, she didn’t know why but she did.

JJ feeling confused hugged Sarah back as he buried his face into her shoulder and started sobbing.

“I’m so sorry Sarah, you shouldn’t have had to see me like that.” JJ spoke into her ear. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He kept repeating until his nerves calmed down.

Present

She was jerked out of her thoughts by someone gripping her shoulder. She turned around and saw that it was Rafe, she looked around and noticed she was in the main entrance of the house.

“What do you want Rafe?” Sarah asked. “I’m not really in the mood nor do I have the time JJ needs help.” She spoke hurriedly as she ran up stairs.

“What’s wrong with Maybank?” Rafe asked as he followed her.

“I don’t know he’s not doing good, he's depressed.” Sarah admitted. “God it was like that time he came over when you were six and I was five.”

The smile on Rafe’s face felt as he remembered the conversation JJ had with Sarah that night while they thought he was sleeping.

“You don’t think he’s going to do it do you?” Rafe asked, sounding concerned. “I was still awake when you guys had that conversation where he blamed himself for his mothers death.”

“Truthfully I don;t know Rafe, Kiara just blamed him for John B and I going missing.” Sarah admitted wondering why he cared so much. “You’re sober?” She asked, noticing the way he looked the way his eyes looked normal for the first time in years.

“Yeah, I am trying Sarah.” Rafe admitted as he looked down at the floor. “It’s been harder than I thought it would be, but I’ve been sober a couple months now.” He said as he looked her in the eyes.

“I’m glad to hear that Rafe.” Sarah said with a smile. “I really have to go find JJ before he gets himself killed.”

She ran off and out the door, getting into her car and driving off. The sun had already started to set, she looked at her phone to see no text from any of the pogues. Which was odd, did they not care about JJ. She couldn’t answer that question herself because she knew deep down JJ will always be the first best friend she’s ever had. Nothing he’s ever done has ever made her forget who he truly was. JJ was always a happy go lucky type guy when nothing was holding him down. She loved that side of him and so did Rafe; it was one of his strongest qualities. A tear dropped from her face as she realizes that she hasn’t seen that side of him in a couple of years.

At the Beach

JJ sighed as he sat down on the beach feeling the cold water around him. The water had a way of calming his mind down, usually it worked but today he just wasn’t having it. What Kiara said to him hit him hard, the anger said in those words reminded him of his father. The way he would yell at him blaming him for his mother's death. It hasn’t been a good month for JJ despite gaining his inheritance, he knows he should be happy but he couldn't. What is happiness without being able to share it with his so-called friend. The Pogues were his family; they never left anyone behind, but when John B and Sarah went missing they left him behind. So it felt like it, he had watched Kiara and Pope hang out after John B and Sarah went missing. He had tried to gather the courage to knock on their doors, but he couldn’t, their parents hated him and he couldn't blame them. It made it that much harder for him to just knock. If they had wanted him around they would’ve called right? JJ had watched over the first week as they hung out together not once calling or texting him. They seemed happy, happier than when they spent time with him. Watching them made him realize that maybe they never really needed him, which promptly made him go home. He used to avoid going home as much as he could when John B and the others were around. With the Pogues no longer together JJ ended up going home almost 3 times a week knowing the end result. JJ sighed as he finished the last of the coke he had on him, and promptly closed his eyes unaware of how high the tide was getting. He also didn't realize how much cocaine he had as he felt his breathing slow down, and he lost consciousness.

Chapter Text

Rafe couldn’t help but sigh as he stood at the same spot he was in nearly 24 hours ago. The blood in the sand was still there from when he had tried to shoot himself. Shoupe had asked him for his alibi on his way out of the hospital. He had told Shoupe he was on the beach alone, he was too scared to admit the truth. Which truth he didn’t know, JJ saving him or he tried and almost succeeded in committing suicide. He didn’t know what to feel, guilt, shame, embarrassment, all of them at the same time. Rafe felt guilty because he realized how concerned Topper, Kelce, and even JJ were. Those were his closest friends at one time, they stuck with him through everything. Pulling him from the ledge whenever he took things too far. He looked up and frowned seeing a lone figure on the beach laying there as the tide kept coming in and out. Rafe quickly rushed over and dragged the body away from the shore, it took him a second before he realized who it was.

“JJ! Can you hear me?” Rafe yelled frantically.

THere was no response seeing JJ’s lips turn a slight blue color Rafe decided to start CPR.

“1…2…3…4….” Rafe started counting out loud.

Once he counted to thirty he tilted JJ’s head back and gave him two breaths, when that didn’t work he continued to do CPR after 5 rounds JJ finally coughed up some water. JJ rolled over onto his side, and expelled all the remaining water before turning back onto his back. He closed his eyes with a sigh as he brought a hand to rub the bridge of his nose. JJ didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep so close to shore, he originally just wanted to dip his feet in the water. Rafe gave JJ a moment to breathe, he couldn;t help but smile seeing how peaceful JJ’s face looked while he closed his eyes. The man’s lips were so soft, he wanted to kiss JJ again.

“Rafe?” JJ asked as he opened his eyes and spotted the man in his peripheral vision. “Thank you!” He spoke out as he lost the fight with consciousness.

He quickly placed his fingers along JJ’s neck feeling for a pulse, it was there slower than normal, but he was breathing which is all that mattered. Rafe couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of all of this. No less than 24hrs ago JJ was there to comfort him after his thankfully failed suicide attempt, and here they are positions reversed. What happened that made JJ want to do this? Or was this just a simple accident? He shook his head before picking JJ up bridal style and brought him to his car. He layed JJ out in his back seat and covered him up with a blanket, he couldn’t help but get a picture before he hopped into the front seat and drove off towards Tannyhill. It was a 30 minute drive back to Tannyhill and Rafe couldn't help but indulge himself, JJ Maybank at his mercy. Oh the things he could do, now that he thought about maybe there was a reason they always sight one another out during a fight. The way JJ comforted him the other day, despite all the things Rafe’s put him through showed him that if he wanted to he too could do the same.

“God, you look so pretty when you sleep.” Rafe spoke allowed, as he looked into his rear view mirror. “Why can’t you be this pretty when you’re awake.” He questioned only to receive a small twitch of the body in response.

He looked back to the road and frowned, now that JJ has done his usual routine when it came to substance use. First came the using, then came the overdosing, and lastly the withdrawal. It's how it went the first time, and the time after that, he didn’t see why this time would be any different. Usually it took JJ a good week or two to quit cold turkey, nothing he hasn't done before. Quitting cold turkey wasn’t recommended yet somehow JJ always did it that way. Rafe chose to go to rehab, it took him a month or two, but he got there, he’s been sober ever since. As he glances back at JJ, realization hits him, that maybe he’s in love with the little Pogue.

At the Chateau

Sarah was pacing frantically, pacing back and forth. It's been almost 12 hours since she last saw JJ and she was worried. She hated seeing JJ hurt, she was one of her best friends. John B, Pope and Kiara sat and watched Sarah pace, they didn’t understand JJ’s connection to the Cameron’s. The Cameron’s were Kooks and they were Pogues, JJ had a strong dislike for Kooks.

“Sarah, why do you care so much?” John B finally asked as Sarah paused and turned to look at him. “How are you connected to JJ, you’re worry for him seems to be the same amount of worry you have about your father.”

“John B do you not get the seriousness of this?” Sarah asked, sounding frustrated. “The last time JJ was on cocaine was during Kiara’s Kook year when all of you guys somehow decided to take a break.” She admitted hoping JJ would forgive her for telling them this secret.

“Why would he tell you that?” Pope asked as he stood up. “He’s never told us anything about struggling with substance use. Who else knew?”

“He didn’t tell me, I was there and so was Rafe.” Sarah admitted. “It was after we hung out one afternoon, me and Kiara.”

Sarah described to them how she was only 14 years old at the time when JJ stumbled onto the front lawn, eyes glazed over, breathing raggedly. How he collapsed in the main entrance not breathing, and how she had to give him narcan. She couldn’t help the tears that came to her face as she remembered that scene for the second time that day.

“It was awful, the way he apologized over and over again.” Sarah spoke as she looked to the ground. “He wasn’t even sorry for overdosing, he was sorry that I had to help him.” She said as she looked up. “That’s why finding him was important, especially when he was that high.”

“But he doesn’t look high or act like it.” Pope says feeling slightly guilty that they never noticed. “We’ve never noticed, and if he’s been using since you guys have gone missing…”

“It’s how he is.” Sarah said with a sigh just as her phone rang. “It’s Wheezie, I'm going to take this outside.” SHe spoke just as she answered the phone.

“Hold one, what do you mean he came home, carrying him.” Sarah asked as she got into her car and drove off towards Tannyhill.  “How was he?” She asked, afraid of the answer she was going to receive.

“Damn, he did it again. I’ll be home soon.” Sarah responded as she floored the Gas.

Meanwhile at Tannyhill

Rafe parked his car in the driveway smiling when he realized no other cars were there, which meant mostly everyone was out. He opened his back seat and tried to wake JJ up only to receive a low moan in protest, before JJ went back to sleep. He shook his head as he carried JJ bridal style into the house, he was on his way to his room when Wheezie spoke up.

“What’s he doing here?” Wheezie asked as she pointed to JJ.

“I’m taking care of him.” Rafe responded.

“Is it like last time when Sarah was 14?” Wheezie asked, having remembered that as well.

“I think it is.” Came Rafe’s honest reply. “Why don’t you call Sarah?” He asked as he continued to walk towards his room.

“I already did.” Wheezie spoke.

“I need to take care of him.” Rafe responded as he entered his room and closed the door.

Once he was sure they wouldn’t be disturbed Rafe placed JJ in his bathtub. He filled a small cup of freezing cold water before throwing it on JJ, who gasped and opened his eyes. He gave JJ a couple of seconds to orientate himself before speaking loudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Rafe shouted which caused JJ to flinch back in the tub. “You promised us JJ, you said you’d stop using.” He said as he approached and grabbed the plastic baggy.

JJ didn’t know what to respond because he wasn’t sorry he broke the promise at the time he first started buying. He thought the Pogues understood that they were all he had, with what happened when John B and Sarah went missing showed him that they didn’t. That being said when the reason he stopped using cocaine was gone, he turned back to his old habits. It was easier to turn to the comfort of drugs, than go to his friends for help when they clearly didn’t want anything to do with him. He remembers the first time he came home after the boat went missing. His dad was so furious, JJ had been beaten within an inch of his life. He remembers every hit, every kick, and every swing from the crowbar that his dad used. JJ remembers his dad leaving him on the floor without a second glance. He remembers laying there for a whole week before being able to go to a hospital. An entire week where he was in too much pain to move, and no one came by to check on him, not a single phone call.

“Earth to JJ.” Rafe spoke up, still waiting for an answer.

“I’m sorry Rafe, I’m just tired.” JJ answered alluding to the fact he was starting to feel withdrawal symptoms. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep so close to the shore, honest.”

“Let’s get you cleaned up then you can fall asleep.” Rafe spoke, noticing JJ’s eyes starting to flutter.

“You know your lips are soft.” JJ spoke quietly with a small smile. “Do I have to get cleaned up, it’s pretty comfy here.” JJ slurred fatigue clearly evident in the way he spoke.

“Do you want me to help you?” Rafe offered, he did the same last time.

“No… no… no I can do it.” JJ spoke as he tried to get up. “Fuck!” He mumbled as he struggled to stand up.

He was just so tired, a tiredness he hasn’t felt in a long time. He quickly took his shirt off exposing his torso which had new bruises and a cut that went down his side. It was worse compared to the other morning. JJ closed the shower curtain before pulling off his shorts and underwear, after he chucked them onto the floor he started the shower. Rafe collected the clothes and threw them into his laundry hamper before pulling out a pair of shorts for JJ to wear. He returned and set them on the bathroom countertop before taking his leave. Hearing the sound of a vehicle Rafe looked out his window and saw Sarah park her car in the driving. He watched as she quickly entered the house.

“Wheezie!” Sarah called out.

“Sarah, what’s going on?” Wheezie asked, her voice shaking. “It happened again, why does he do this? He promised us.” She spoke as tears slipped down her face.

“I know he did, he promised me and Rafe he’d ever do it again.” Sarah spoke as she hugged her younger sister. “Life’s been hard on him, I think he blamed himself for me and John B missing.” 

“Why would he do that, he’s not the one who drove you guys into the storm.” Wheezie spoke as she enjoyed the hug.

“I think to him, he blames himself because he gave John B the boat.” Sarah answered as she made her way to Rafe’s room. 

She gently knocked on the door and waited as she heard footsteps approaching the door.

“Sarah? What’s up?” Rafe asked, being unusually nice. “Anything I can do for you?” He asked as he looked at his younger sister.

“You’re being unusually nice.” Sarah spoke skeptically.

“Like I said earlier I’m sober and I’m trying.” Rafe said as he held up his hand. “I wasn’t me when I was hooked, I see that now.” He spoke as he looked towards the bathroom.

“What about JJ?” Sarah asked with a brow raised. “Your intentions with him?” She asked knowing her brother wouldn’t usually care about some random Pogue unless he had a reason.

“Not sure, I’m still crushing on him.” Rafe admitted with a slight blush. “I wish this could work.” He spoke.

“Well you keep being you, someday it will.” Sarah said with a smile. “I hope it works out, don't be too psycho.” She commented as she left to go do her own thing.

“I feel like that's something he likes about me.” Rafe yelled only to receive a small giggle.

He hoped he wasn’t wrong, because as much as he tries he knows one day he’ll slip. He knows JJ was kind of psycho too, like the night he held a gun to Topper's head to name a few, or maybe the kid was just a self destructive person. Rafe closed the door to his bedroom and turned around. He got settled into bed and dosed right off into a snooze while he waited for JJ to finish. JJ on the other hand was struggling to keep his eyes open, it’s been who knows how long since his last hit,and withdrawal symptoms have already started. The extreme fatigue he always felt during the first couple of days, which then turned into agitation and restless behavior. By that point he usually buys sedatives from Barry, who happily obliged to give it to him. JJ snapped out of his thoughts when suddenly his footsteps and his head smacks into the edge of the tub.

“Just great.” JJ mumbles to himself as he sees the water turn red. “This is not what I wanted.”

He quickly got up and used the wall for support as his vision was a bit blurry. He quickly rinsed his hair again smiling when the water turned from dark red to a light red. JJ turned the shower off and dried his body before searching for a first aid kit. He smiled as he found one and started working on the cut on his torso, once he was finished with his torso he tried to get a good look at the head wound. It didn’t seem like anything big, he looked around and frowned, noticing his old clothes were gone. He didn’t want to get blood on Rafe’s towels, so he cleaned up as best he could and put the first aid kit back where he found it. When he opened the door he was surprised to see Rafe fast asleep. JJ looked around and smiled finding his clothes, he quickly bundled them up and brought them to his head wound, which was bleeding sluggishly. He looked around and smiled as he found a pen and paper and started writing a note.  Once he was done he opened the window and closed it behind him before making his leave. Instead of going back to the Chateau he decided to go back to his house next door. He didn’t want the Pogues to see him like this, withdrawal was never an easy process. He’s done it before on more than one occasion, it never gets any easier, whether you  slow down and quit or cut cold turkey. It was never easier in fact it only got harder every time he relapsed.

Chapter Text

2 week later

It’s been 2 weeks since JJ crawled out of Rafe Cameron's bedroom window, as much as he wanted to stay he knew he needed professional help. After writing that note and sneaking it under Rafe’s pillow, he decided to check himself into a private hospital. There they treated him and got him some psychiatric help, where he was re-evaluated. The diagnosis for BPD and IED remained but they also added antisocial behavior disorder to the list. Which made sense after they had explained it to JJ, which helped him to understand on a deeper level what these disorders ment. It also helped him to understand why he was the way he was, and how to curb some of the negative effects of the disorders. Being away from everything also helped with the withdrawal symptoms he was having. This hospital, while it was mostly ethical it also had a side business of selling different types of medical grade drugs to those in need. Before he left JJ decided to get some fentanyl based medical grade sedatives. He couldn’t help but look up as he walked past TannyHill, it seemed like no one was home. He quickly walked up to his house and unlocked the door, closing and locking it behind him. He paused when he spotted a pair of shoes that weren’t his. Rafe upon hearing the front door open turners the TV off and quietly walked towards the main entrance. He smiled seeing JJ standing there looking puzzled, it’s been two weeks since the man snuck out of his window. Two weeks since he read the note JJ had left for him, and two weeks since he started using it again. Rafe smiled as he slowly approached JJ from behind and wrapped his arms around the man's waist, as he spun him around.

“Oh my god! Rafe what the hell are you doing?” JJ asked, having flinched upon being touched.

“Well I received the note you wrote me.” Rafe said as he moved his hands and showed JJ the note.

JJ looked to Rafe in disbelief as he took the note and opened it to reveal what was written.

Dear Rafe,

I’m not really sure how to start this letter, we aren’t really friends and haven't been in a long time. I meant what I said the other day I don’t hate you, maybe it shows off that way and that’s on me. You know I understand why you are the way you are, shitty fathers ya know, and I don’t blame you for any of it. Thank you for taking care of me last night, it wasn’t my intention to pass out so close to shore. I had too much and fell asleep, your lips are so soft. Maybe we can do that again, when one of us isn’t dying.

On another note thanks for letting me take a shower. I slipped and fell last night so I had to borrow some supplies from the first aid kit. Did my best to not stain anything, If you don’t end up seeing me for the next little while, I have decided to get help at a private clinic. Ever since inheriting my mothers fortune, getting help for my substance use and my mental health challenges has been on my list. I don’t see why this couldn't be a great time for that.

Last but not least a few words of encouragement, I’m proud of you. I’m proud you were able to make the courageous decision to get clean. It ain’t easy, but once you’re there things become lighter. I’m proud of you. It's a victory in a long journey. I am so grateful I saved you that day, if I could do it over again I would. I’d rather have you around instead of 6 ft under. 

JJ Maybank

“So did you really want to try it again?” Rafe asked as JJ looked up and handed him back the piece of paper. “You left your number on it too.”

“Maybe I do.” JJ said as he wrapped his hands around Rafe’s neck.

Rafe smiled as he wrapped his hands around JJ’s waist before he moved and met JJ’s lips. The kiss started off slow, and closed. Before it became more aggressive with Rafe biting on JJ’s lower lip. JJ opened his mouth slightly and Rafe’s tongue started mapping out the roof of JJ’s mouth. They pulled away to catch their breath, JJ couldn’t help but bring his hand up to his lower lip feeling it slightly swollen.

“I was right, you know, you definitely have soft lips.” JJ spoke with a smile. “So what does this make us?” He asked as he looked down.

“I’m not sure, maybe we should go out for a bit.” Rafe spoke with a smile. “Get to truly know one another.” He spoke just as his phone went off.

“Sounds like a plan.” JJ mumbled as he walked into the living room and froze seeing white powder all over the coffee table.

“JJ, I’m sorry I have to go.” Rafe spoke as he walked towards the other man. “My father needs me for something.” He frowned when he spotted what JJ was looking at. “JJ I’m sorry, with my father…”

“It’s ok Rafe.” JJ whispered as he hugged Rafe. “I get it you don’t have to explain yourself, I understand.” He spoke as he looked into the man's eyes. “I’m here for you whatever you need Rafe, you have my number.”

Rafe nodded as his heart fluttered, JJ didn’t yell and didn't lecture him. Unlike his sister when she had found out. She gave him an all disapproving look, before letting him know how bad the substance was for him. JJ was calm, gave him a hug and accepted the fact he had relapsed, he even offered Rafe his support. No one has ever offered Rafe any kind of support, Topper and Kelce have but they’ve never truly been there for him. He gave JJ one last kiss before he started walking out the door.

“I’m not sure when but we should definitely go out on a date sometime.” Rafe yelled as he left the house.

Rafe felt happy for the first time in 2 weeks, and he wasn’t even on something. It felt good to see JJ’s soft side once again, he always remembered when they were younger JJ would have explosions of anger. Which he was mainly able to quell and when he couldn’t somehow JJ’s mother would always be around to give him a sedative. While it might not have been the most ethical thing now that he looks back on it. He does remember JJ’s mom saying she didn’t need anyone to know JJ was diagnosed with a couple mental health challenges from a young age. Rafe was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard his father yelling inside the house, which probably meant no one else was home. He couldn’t handle the words he was sure his father would say the moment he walked through the door. He took a baggy from his pocket and quickly poured some coke onto his hand and snorted, before walking into the house to face Ward.

A while later at the Chateau

Sarah couldn’t help but growl out in frustration as she got off the phone with her father. He had called to complain about Rafe being high when he needed Rafe’s help. She furiously walked back into the Chateau where John B, Pope and Kiara were sitting down.

“I can’t believe him.” Sarah growled out it’s been two weeks since Rafe was back to being his usual asshole of a brother. “He said he’d try to stay sober.” She couldn’t help but be frustrated.

“Why are you surprised that he didn’t stay clean?” Pope asked.

“He stayed clean for two months.” Sarah responded. “Our stupid father.” She muttered under breath.

“As long as he doesn’t cause problems at our Keg party this year.” Kiara spoke ignoring the fact of what Sarah said. “Did you hear the Deputy believes one of the Cameron’s killed Officer Peterkin.” She brought it up as she got up to get water from the kitchen.

“Well it can’t be me.” Sarah spoke.

“From what I hear it's either Rafe or Ward Cameron.” Pope spoke up. “They tried arresting John B a week ago, but he has a solid alibi.” He finished.

“I’m not surprised if it was Rafe.” John B spoke. “I mean after what happened that night, and from rumors he doesn’t have a solid alibi.” He finished and everyone's heard the same thing.

“He has an alibi, it's just the officers can’t find anyone to confirm it.” Sarah spoke standing up for her brother.

“He probably lied, why are you defending him?” Kiara spoke, sounding slightly offended.

“He has an alibi, he’s just not willing to give a name on who can confirm it.” Sarah corrected. “Maybe because he doesn’t want anyone to know who the other person was, or maybe because he doesn’t want to reveal what he was truly doing.” She mumbled ever since she got a good look at Rafe two weeks ago the stitches in the man's head.

She knew something had gone down the morning Peterkin was killed, the fact he was in the hospital. Maybe her friends were right, maybe Rafe did kill Peterkin. Sarah wanted to have faith in her brother, he wasn’t that stupid, but if it wasn't Rafe it meant her father was the one to do it. She was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of a bike approaching which could only mean one thing. JJ was finally back and just in time for them to set up the party.

“Hey! Look who’s in time to help us set up.” John B spoke with a smile. “Where have you been?” He asked looking JJ dead in the eye.

“I’ve been around, my dad hasn’t been home in a while.” JJ spoke. “He left a note saying he needed to tell me something.”

“What does he need to talk to you about?” Kiara asked, sounding worried.

“He said it was about my mom.” JJ spoke. “It has me confused.”

“Maybe you can figure it out later.” Pope spoke not having seen JJ’s reaction to his words.

“Who’s that? JJ asked, noticing someone new.

“JJ I want you to meet Cleo, she and I are kind of Dating.” Pope introduced.

“It’s nice to meet you Cleo.” JJ answered before turning around and heading into the house.

JJ felt strange; it was weird being out and  about not feeling the aftereffects of an intense withdrawal. Whatever the hospital did it really helped him, but it left him feeling puzzled. Like he didn’t deserve to come down that easy. He pulled out a vial and a clean needle, he quickly prepped everything before inserting the needle into the vial. He grabbed only a small amount before closing and putting the vial away. He squeezed a little of the liquid out before injecting himself. After a couple of seconds he suddenly felt lighter, and the world slowed down, dull even. This he was familiar with, after he got through most of his withdrawal symptoms. It made it easier to have a good time until the effects stopped.

Later that evening

The Pogues were able to set up everything they needed before the party started. They were out surfing the waves when people started coming in, the sun was just about setting. It was mostly Pogues and the occasional Kook, but none that they really knew. It wasn’t until 1 hour later Topper, Rafe and Kelce. JJ could tell Rafe was high as a kite, while the others were just slightly buzzed. He just sat there and watched while his friends got themselves riled up. He was pretty zoned out until someone grabbed him by the shoulder. Having not expected it JJ threw a punch and hit Topper in the jaw. Rafe, seeing this was the first one to come to his friend's defense, and started to beat JJ up.

“What the hell Pogue.” Rafe scowled in anger as he threw punch after punch at JJ.

JJ defended himself while looking in Rafe's eyes. Pope and John B try to get the angry Rafe off of their friend but to no avail.

“COME ON RAFE!!” JJ screamed. “YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.” He finished with a laugh.

Rafe froze with a fist mid air, he looked JJ in the eye and saw a crazed look he’s seen on his own face before, to see it on someone else especially JJ. It made him kind of nervous.

“Don’t you ever do that again Pogue, or you’ll get a lot worse.” Rafe spoke as he started to back away.

“Are you afraid to finish what you started?” JJ yelled as he got up to his face.

The last thing JJ saw before falling unconscious was Rafe’s fist flying at his head. John B and Pope pushed Rafe away as they went to check their friend who was out cold on the beach floor. 

“What the hell was that?” Topper asked Rafe as they left the beach.

“What, JJ was practically asking for it, he got what he deserved.” Rafe replied as he got into the passenger side of the car.

“Dude, if you want a relationship with that man I don’t think beating him up is the way to go.” Topper spoke as he drove off towards TannyHill. 

While Topper drove Rafe couldn’t help but keep thinking of JJ all bruised up because of his two hands. The beat up look JJ had made him look so hot, god he wished he could’ve just stared at those beautiful blue eyes while kissing the bruised skin trying to make it all feel better. He wanted to hold JJ in his arms like earlier that morning and fall asleep next to him. He wanted to know how that would feel, to have someone who’s willing to support him and stay by him. Rafes never really felt that kind of love before in his life. All he wanted was to experience it once in his lifetime.

Chapter Text

The next morning

John B and Pope had carried JJ all the way back to the Chateau last night. JJ was surprisingly lighter than they thought, but they didn’t know whether or not they should be concerned about it. John B had checked him over before they all went to sleep. John B was the first one to wake up, he walked to the kitchen to grab some water before moving to the living room where he and Pope had placed JJ so he could sleep. Something has been off with JJ, ever since he and Sarah got back. He’s wanted to ask but he’s known JJ since 3rd grade and seen his mood swings. He walked over to the sink to get himself and JJ a glass of water before approaching the man on the couch. He gently tapped on the glass coffee table smiling when JJ groaned indicating he was waking up.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” John B asked as he crouched down in front of his friend, happy to see clear blue eyes. “Rafe did a number on you last night, do you have any idea why?” He asked hoping to get an honest answer.

“I’m doing fine, and he was no worse than usual.” JJ spoke as he got up wincing as a hand went to his jaw.

“He got you in the jaw pretty good.” John B explained as he offered a cup of water.

“Thanks John and I’m sorry about last night.” JJ spoke as he stood up making his way to the kitchen. “I was zoning out when I was grabbed by the shoulders and didn't even see who it was before throwing a punch.” He spoke as he grabbed something to eat out of the fridge.

“JJ we need to talk, you’ve been acting weird lately.” John B spoke up. “Weirder than usual, and I don’t just mean what happened the other day with Kie.” He said looking up from where he sat.

“Okay… I’m not really seeing where this is going.” JJ spoke as he pulled a piece of bread out of the fridge and started eating it. “I’ve been acting the same as I usually do.” He spoke furrowing his brow in confusion.

“Drop the act JJ I’ve known you since you were in grade three.” John B spoke, getting frustrated. “You need to stop lying to me.” He spoke smashing his hand on the glass coffee table.

“What’s going on?” Sarah asked, coming into the room seeing JJ flinch at the loud noise. “JJ are you ok?” She asked, sounding concerned.

“I’m fine Sarah, John B thinks I’ve been lying about how I’m acting, especially when I told him I’ve been acting as normal as ever.” JJ spoke as he grabbed a glass and poured some juice before handing it over to Sarah. “Did we wake you up?” He asked awfully friendly.

“Since when were you two friends?” John B exclaimed, unaware his tone ended up waking Pope and Kiara.

“John, you’re being very loud.” Kiara spoke as she entered the room with Pope following behind her.

“What’s going on?” Pope asked curiously.

“You guys want breakfast?” JJ asked, hoping to change the subject. “I can make eggs and toast.” He offered as he looked into the fridge.

“JJ you were gone for 2 whole weeks, what’s gotten into you.” John B insisted.

“Like I said I’m fine, and how long did it take for you guys to notice?” JJ asked, throwing the bread on the counter top. “How long before you guys tried looking for me? 1 week without me to figure out I was doing god knows what. 2 days of searching before you gave up?” He spoke, in a low tone as he grabbed a bowl and started to break eggs.

“JJ it’s nothing like that, we were worried and didn’t know where you were.” Kiara spoke, trying to reason with her friend.

“It’s fine, nothing is wrong with me.” JJ repeated as he grabbed a pan and some butter and started to cook.

While he was gone he did end up paying for a few things with the money his mother had left him. Anonymously paying for the Chateau’s bills so that it had electricity, and water for a year. He was happy to have done it, now he just wanted to make sure his friend was fed. Kiara, Pope and Sarah all had families that could provide them with food. While he thought about all the things he could do to help his friends repay them for all the help they gave him during his younger years, he cooked and played with their breakfast. Once everything was plated he turned the stove off and started to clean the dishes. John ate his meal thankful for the silence, he wondered when did JJ and Sarah get so close. It was odd because when he first started dating JJ made a big deal of it. Even going as far as showing Sarah that she wasn’t welcomed, however that never deterred Sarah in trying to make things work with JJ. He had to admit he was a little bit jealous. John B shook his head as he looked around and saw his friends all smiling and eating together. JJ was the only one who had yet to sit down.

Meanwhile at Tannyhill

Topper and Kelce were checking in on Rafe, having dropped him off at home the night before. They wanted to make sure their friend was ok, and not laying in a pile of his own waste. These past two weeks were tough on Rafe, with JJ disappearing, Ward being his usual cunty self. It put a lot of stress on Rafe’s shoulder, stress he didn’t want to put on his friends. They both understood that, but they always did their best to encourage Rafe to talk about them with someone, anyone. They both knocked on the door and were surprised to see Rafe on the other side as the door opened.

“Rafe, glad to see you’re awake and not laying in a pile of your own waste.” Topper spoke jokingly.

“Shoupe came by.” Rafe started ignoring the comment. “He wants me to name my alibi, but I don’t think I can.” He responded as he invited his friends.

“What’s he saying?” Kelce asked as he closed the door behind him.

“He thinks I did it, and unless I have someone who can verify I was at the beach during the time of the murder he’s going to arrest me.” Rafe spoke simply as he got water out of the fridge offering a bottle to his friends.

“Okay, you have an alibi.” Topper spoke, accepting a bottle of water. “Can’t you just ask JJ to confirm it?” He asked.

“Who would believe that we were together?” Rafe exclaimed as he pulled at his hair. “What if they ask him what he was doing and he tells the truth that I… I wasn’t in the best state of mind.” He asked as he looked down he hated being vulnerable but he didn’t know what to do.

“What if Kelce and I went over to talk to JJ?” Topper offered as he looked away from his friend. “We could tell him not to expose everything, because like it or not you’re his alibi as well.” He spoke as he looked out towards the front lawn.

“Maybe, but no beating him up or anything, just a friendly chat.” Rafe spoke sounding hopeful. “I’m just not ready to put everything out in the open.” He spoke as he stood up and motioned for his friends to go.

“We understand, we’ll have JJ text you to tell you what we talked about.” Topper spoke as he turned around to leave. “You guys need to learn how to communicate without the use of physical violence.” He giggled; he's pretty sure both men enjoyed physically fighting the sadist and masochist in both of them.

Rafe just sighed as he watched his friends leave, he didn’t know what he was going to do. He wanted to take JJ out on a date knowing full well the man could eat anywhere he chose. What Rafe selfishly wanted was to have JJ all to himself, to mark and to have fun with. Everyone had their basic desires of lust, his desires usually always centered around JJ. Seeing that crazed look in the man’s eyes that night had made him nervous, but in a good way. With his mind made up he texted JJ to see if he wanted to go on a date, he hoped the man would say yes.

30 minutes later

JJ smiled as he finally got the chance to look at his phone seeing the text from Rafe, who he jokingly named as Daddy in his phone. Seeing the man text him asking if he wanted to go on a date had him thrilled. He wasn’t sure if he could call it happiness, but he sent a quick reply “sure name me a time and place and I’ll see you there.” JJ replied. He had spent most of his morning being lectured by John B, Kiara, and Pope. He sat there while they told him how different he was acting and that they didn’t understand what changed why he’s been so spacey lately. The text was a nice distraction as his friends gave him a break. It was at that moment the engine of a boat could be heard. JJ frowned as he looked to the water and saw Kelce and Topper, he was curious to know why they were here.

“Yo! Topper Kelce, what are you guys doing around this neck of the woods?” JJ asked as he approached.

“We were looking for you actually, mind taking a ride with us.” Topper spoke, seeing the rest of JJ’s friends approach. “I’ll even let you drive.” He spoke tossing the keys to the boat.

“Sweet, I gotta show you guys something.” JJ spoke ignoring the shocked gasps that came from his friends.

“JJ are you serious?” John B asked. “I don;t know what game you’re playing JJ but it’s going to get you killed one day.” He yelled, feeling sad and hopeless.

“Isn’t that what life is about?” JJ asked as he turned to look at John B. “Sarah you’ll help me out won’t you?” He asked, looking her in the eyes with a hardened expression.

“JJ, I can, I'm just not sure what to share.” Sarah spoke in a low tone as she stepped towards JJ with a small smile.

“Share enough to get them to understand, without telling them anything.” JJ whispered into her ear as he stepped into her personal space. “Sometimes you need to know thy enemy and thy self.” He quoted.

“JJ I trust you know what you’re doing but I just don’t want to see you get hurt in the process.” John B spoke, hugging JJ before heading inside.

“We don’t understand it.” Kiara spoke looking disgusted. “I don’t understand how you can be so forgiving after everything they’ve done.” SHe spoke walking away.

“Something is wrong with you JJ, if you can’t see what is clearly happening.” Pope added as he too turned his back.

“They’ll come around JJ.” Sarah spoke with a smile. “They don’t know your past with us, they don’t know you were born a kook.” She tried to reassure.

“They will with time, but I can’t tell them just yet.” JJ spoke softly. “I’m glad John B has power and hot water again.” He said with a smile.

“I know you had something to do with it.” Sarah spoke as she started heading inside. “You should tell them when you’re ready.” SHe spoke walking back into the Chateau.

JJ sighed feeling slightly down, after hearing what Pope and Kiara had said he was wondering if what he was doing was truly that outside the realms of possibilities for someone like him. Sure he was a pogue, but he used to be friends with all of them prior to third grade. Topper, Kelce, Rafe and himself used to cause so much trouble in figure eight when they were kids. They had really good times before his mother passed and JJ started losing days and weeks because of his fathers beatings. He flinched as he felt someone grab his shoulder.

“Wow! JJ.” Toper exclaimed, backing away and showing his hands. “I tried calling you a couple of times.” He explained.

“Sorry Topper, I was lost in thought.” JJ spoke. “You know how I can get.” He spoke softly.

“I get it, you still ok to drive?” Topper asked as he wrapped a hand over JJ’s shoulder.

“I…” JJ had to pause so many thoughts running through his head, with so many conflicting emotions.

Topper seeing JJ go silent helped guide the man towards the boat whilst also taking the keys from his friend's hand. It was weird calling JJ a friend again, it's been 11 years since the last time they were truly friends and even now he had doubts. Is this JJ being genuine about it, or will he shoot them in the back later on when it suits him. Topper still felt uneasy especially after that night during the Kegger party last year. If JJ was sane whilst high, what would the man be like if he was genuinely sober.

“Topper, you got a plan?” Kelce asked as they got on the boat.

“Let’s take her out for a ride and wait for JJ to get back to us on his own time.” Topper spoke, placing JJ onto a seat and layed the man down. “He zoned out kind of like he used to when everything became too much for him.” He tried to explain.

“Yeah, I remember, let's go fishing?” Kelce offered knowing there was always finishing equipment on the boat.

Topper agreed as he started the boat engine and they drove off, leaving the pogues wondering if they truly ever knew who JJ was.