Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The faire was fun, but nighttime is a dangerous time for any noble, and for a noble with two royals it's even more so.
Upon arrival however, we find that there's already another carriage facing the front entrance.
"Suppose we have another visitor." Sister comments casually as the carriage stops a little short of the usual spot.

We step out and see who is most likely the owner of the carriage.
A gorgeous tall lady with bone white hair and maroon red eyes, almost too pale skin and a warm green dress with gold detailing.
It contrasts wonderfully with the red gems encrusted in her gold jewelry.
Her help stands a few feet away, seeming almost indifferent to their arrival.
For a moment my focus halts on the girl behind the noble, though I don't understand why.

Her maid outfit is tasteful, with a deep green base, a white apron and ruffles with golden detailing stitched along the edges. It makes the black choker look a touch off, but it's not uncommon for maids to wear chokers to mark them as staff.

Though her outfit is not what should be catching my eye.
Her white hair and deep red eyes are less vibrant than that of her mistress, but by no means any less beautiful.
She's about as pale as her mistress, and while she looks a little malnourished for a personal maid, her hair is long and suggests frequent care.
For a moment I think of Rae, and feel ashamed of feeling anything for another. Especially since I know nothing about her.

The lady introduces herself as a Countess from across the country, she congrats Sister on her title and explains that she'll be here to discuss some plans with her father before getting on with her way, as she's only stopping here for a moment before she continues to Bauer so she can cross the ocean.

We walk over to the palace with the lady and her personal maid before separating at the foyer.
I struggle to keep my eyes off of her, but I wouldn't be much of a noble if I ogled every girl or boy that caught my eye! So I only glance at her twice as the royals converse with the noble.

"I wonder what her exact business is with my father." Sister says as they make their way towards the library so they can play chess until dinner.
"I don't." Prince Rodd cringes. "I know I'll be in his shoes someday, albeit a different kingdom, and I don't look forward to it." Sister laughs at his confession.

I feel odd about the whole exchange, part of me feels like I failed some hidden test, like some sort of quick-time event, the kind that Rae used to mention from time to time. But I wouldn't even be able to tell who was conducting it if that were the case. Much less what exactly I was supposed to do to succeed.

We joke about the lady being here to suck the king's blood, due to both her and her servant having pristine white hair and red eyes, not to mention a scar that Prince Rodd noticed on the servant's neck that looked like two puncture wounds.

"I'm telling you! She's totally under her mistress's spell and being forced to do her bidding! It'd be so funny!" Prince Rodd exclaims as we approach the library doors.
I scoff. "You can't honestly argue for them being vampires. Maybe zombies with how dead inside she looked." I banter back.
Sister is sure to quiet her voice, because a library is a library. "I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that servant was under some sort of spell though, there certainly wasn't a whole lot of emotion on her face." She says with a smile.
"Well, except for when she looked at you, Claire." Sister teases.

I'm about to respond with a sassy remark, to let this conversation stay light, and beat around the Rae shaped hole in my heart.

But the situation isn't actually at all that funny.
It's a sad truth that plenty of nobles use slaves. With mind control if they need to be kept in line.
Quite frankly it's an open secret, and while it is frowned upon now, it's still accepted and unless there's some bigger crime to convict them of, they get away with it too.

I look at the rows and rows of books as the two royals go about setting up their chess board, but every title I read has me thinking of that servant.
For some reason I can't tear my mind away from her.
Beyond her lack of reaction to anything at all and her basically looking like a brick wall, because I refuse to believe Sister, there wasn't anything peculiar about her.

And yet my heart is telling me to find her, hug her and never let go.
Is this the effect of living without Rae?

Am I having Rae withdrawals?

Wait..

AM I?!?

The sky is cloudy as the night rolls in, the life in the palace is ever bustling for the staff, but not nearly so much for the guests. Or for me.
The Crown Princess, Lady Manaria may be royalty. Still, I stay awake feeling like a servant. Unable to even drag myself away from my desk and to bed. My too big, too soft bed.

Maybe that's because I am expected to serve the people someday? Maybe that's because I've never behaved quite like other royals would.
Maybe because unlike my two personal guests, I'm a bastard. Born outside of lawful relations.
I wish I could be more like Claire, the confidence she has inspires such faith. I can't help but be jealous. And that Rae loves her so deeply must also be quite nice.

I've tried a lot of things to fit in. Like mocking my servants, I've tried ignoring them, I've tried playing with them and even messing around with them. In the end, I find myself unable to do anything but to take them as an equal.
Does that make me a bad canidate for ruling this country?

There's a knock on my door, so I get up from the desk where I was doing my best at catching up on paperwork.

When I answer, however, there's no one there.
I hear another sound behind me and instantly turn around to spot one of my windows having swung open. Strange, it was closed a moment ago. A soft rain is starting to wet the windowsill. But again, there's no one there.

I feel the wind behind me shift and as I try to face the hall again, seeing a blur as I do, my shoulder is hit by a harsh blow, knocking me off balance.
I instantly summon air to blow my enemy away and gain some distance but they must be made of stone or something, as they don't move no matter how I increase the force.

But them not moving towards me is still an opening for me to get away.

I up my wind magic before suddenly dropping it as to knock the assailant off balance so I can run for the open window and jump through, happy that this convenient path to a better position was left open like this.
After softening my landing with wind magic, I grab my wand to set up a fire spell just a bit below the point where it would damage the palace.

My assailant follows me and as they fall I struggle to keep my eye on them, their dark navy outfit blends in well with the night and it covers almost all of their body, it only leaves a strip open for too pale skin and blood red eyes. They also soften their landing with wind magic, which tells me everything I'll need to take them out.

It makes sense now why they tried to push for hand to hand combat, and it also explains how they could open the window. But one element can't take me down.

I start my barrage of fire, setting up more as I fire them to create a nigh infinite supply.
For a few moments the assassin prevents getting hit by making an air ball around them, but they push their sphere of protection out further and further which prevents me of draining it of air like I had hoped.

I decide to simply increase the amount of projectiles headed their way but their casting doesn't slow down. As a matter of fact, I think they might have just used another two spells, one to stop the rain from falling on us and one to prevent the palace from hearing anything, despite all of this happening right in the garden. Simultaneous casting, this is no small threat.

"So! Who sent you?" I try to ask casually as I set up another spell to create a rock platform to send them flying.
They say nothing, so I just cast the spell.
As I had expected, they went out of the boundary of their air sphere due to the unexpected lift, which left them open to my fire.

But right as I plan to engulf them in flames, they summon up another sphere, this one made of water.
A Dual-Caster, whoever sent them is serious.

It travels back down with them and they redirect the water to grab me, most likely planning to turn it into ice. I stop this by forcibly taking control of it once it gets in my range, but I get thrown back out of control.
We struggle, each trying to force the water to obey to our will, until-

"End it already!"

I make the mistake of looking over and feel an ice cold burn around my wrists and ankles. But I did spot who said it.
The lady who arrived just this afternoon.

Which means this assassin is most likely her personal maid.

She walks over to the two of us, probably because she's not getting murdered at the moment despite being in a prime position for it if I wasn't too busy fighting for control over the ice incasing me.
"What's taking you so long?!" She yells, clearly upset.

I laugh as I try to redirect my efforts and attempt to enclose both in rock, but I find my spell unable to work. Did she block me??
Is this maid.. A Quad-Caster?

No, she's able to control wind, water and rock, but there's been no evidence of fire. So that will have to be my play.

The lady is closing in on us now, and I try to set up some flame troops, but once again find myself unable to cast.
That.. Should not be possible.
There's no way to break a spell comprised of an element that isn't shared between the caster and the opponent.

"You are such a disappointment, can't kill a sparring partner, can't kill your target. What good are you?!"
"Well she's saved your life twice now." I comment calmly, I feel the grip of control on the ice slack a little.
"What are you blabbering about?" She snarls before bending down and pulling out a knife from what I hope was an ankle holder on her.

"I've been trying to barbeque both of you and she's been blocking it quite well. How did you get your hands on a Quad-Caster my age? Could have sworn I was the only one." I ask, pretending to be hurt about it. I need info, how did she do that?

"Oh I've waited to rub this in your face! This little darling." And she pulls down part of the mask to caress the maid's cheek, I feel the ice slack more.
"Is an ex-Dual-Caster. Freshly made into a Quad-Caster with some operations." She purrs, pulling the mask even further down and pressing two nails into the bite marks on her neck that Prince Rodd had mentioned earlier today. She presses down three times, and I feel the ice slack accordingly.

"That is very impressive, can I ask where that was?" I ask with a smile.
Nope, pushed it too far. The illusion breaks and pulls her back. "No. I'll be sending you to a place you'll never see it from anyway." And she heaves up the knife.

And I heave myself out of the ice. Taking control of it and forcing it to let me go before this maid can take over again.
Upon release I try to use wind magic to move away faster but find that blocked. They trained her well.

My next plan is getting the attention of whoever I can manage, so I start running normally.

However, I think I've grown complacent with my magic over the years, as the maid catches up to me with ease.
Without my magic, I really have nothing on her. So I get tripped and pinned onto the ground.

Then as I turn around to try and gain an advantage I notice the choker she has on. I figured that it was part of the maid outfit when we saw her this afternoon, it looked like a poor addition but black goes well with most things.
But here? Hidden underneath her stealth suit?

Maybe Prince Rodd was onto something.. Not that I'll ever tell him that.
She's been trying to get my legs under control so I try to grab her neck.

Before I can get close enough with my hands, she takes the opportunity to grab both of my wrists with a single hand, allowing her to pin me down even more efficiently.

Her Mistress is catching up with our new position, but I'm hearing two sets of footsteps.
"Sister!!" Ah, well. That'll be the cavalry.

Have you ever been in a ballroom during a ball?
The constant chatter, the clinking of jewelry, cutlery, glasses and plates. The fabrics brushing one another, the music, the never ending steps of shoes and clicks of heels. It's all noise.
Imagine you are attending one of them, and you step out into the hall. All of the noise fades as the door closes.
It's jarring. The difference.

I was sleeping a moment ago. But then something happened, and it woke me up.
It took me a few minutes to figure out just what had awoken me.

All the noise from outside, the owls, the trees, the wind, the bugs. It was all gone.

I got up and walked over to the closest window. I looked outside and saw what was most likely the reason.
My Sister is fighting what looks like an assassin to me. Being dressed in pure navy doesn't leave a lot of options.
Recognizing the spectator to be the lady that arrived just before we came back earlier today standing to the side lets me think of a few motivations for this predicament.

My next step is obvious, I hastily rush out the door to try and assist her in fighting off an assassination attempt.
And potentially rid this kingdom of another sleazy noble if the opportunity arises.

I'm not afraid of the dark, but the palace does look quite different at night. I don't get lost exactly, I just had to double check a few of my turns. That's all. I'm not scared.

Soon enough I'm outside, albeit not from the door I had wanted. I rush over and find that the fighting has actually moved closer to where I am anyway.

"Sister!!" I shout out as I prepare some fire magic to scare off the assassin. Since I have no intention of killing them just yet.
They both look over and for a moment I think to recognize the blood red eyes of the assassin, but I fail to pin it to a face and the moment passes.

"Claire! She's a Quad-Caster!" Sister shouts out before her head is knocked into the dirt in a quick move.
I feel myself hesitate in casting my fire. "Surely you jest Sister? There's no way!" I laugh with dread in my stomach.

The mistress walks towards me. "Finish the job, I'll take care of the straggler." She bites at the assassin.
I cast the fire and let it take shape into maybe 15 projectiles aimed directly at the noble. "No chance."
She merely looks mildly annoyed at the threat and snaps her fingers.

The assassin looks up and makes direct eye contact with me before my fire disappears.

Did.. Did she just use Spell-Breaker? With that little time to analyze? What? Does she know me or something?!

The noble continues towards me, and without my magic I feel oddly violated, vulnerable.
"Don't worry, this will be mostly painless. As long as I save the other side of the knife for your friend over there." And she gives a nod back at Sister.

Before she can get close enough a stone wall erects itself between us.

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Thanks Sister."
"That wasn't me."

What?

"You worthless runt! I thought I knocked the last of your defiance out of you after this afternoon!" The lady shouts out at the assassin. She grabs hold of what looks like a red gem, previously hidden in her pocket, and holds it up.
"Lower. It." She commands.

Slowly, the wall lowers. The assassin looks to be in pain as she moves to hold Sister down with only one hand, the other held up to help with her casting.
When Sister and I make it out of this, we are not telling Prince Rodd that he was right.

Manaria takes the opportunity to wriggle herself out of the grasp of her attacker but I am unable to pay attention to what she does next as my own opponent approaches me with a murderous glint in her eyes.

I take cautious steps backwards and try to glance at where I left the palace doors behind me so I can make a break for it.
Not that I'll admit to it out loud, but I misjudged the situation, we need backup. We need swords.
As I try to steal another glance behind me the noble breaks out into a sprint with the knife raised high to strike, but a strong gust of wind knocks her away. I look over and see that again, the servant/assassin has prevented an attack on my life.

The lady growls and grabs hold of the gem again as she forces the assassin to block the palace doors with impromptu walls of rock, before she attempts to grab ahold of me. I struggle.
"Hold still or I'll kill you on accident." She snarls at me as I try to grab hold of the hand that's holding the knife.
If what she insinuated before is true, then odds are that the blade is poisoned.

"Like you're not trying to kill me right now!" I yell back at her, she kicks my shin and in my surprise she frees herself up to grab me in a chokehold. I feel like a failure but I'm not about to give up.
"Rae! You worthless failure! If you don't kill Manaria in the next 10 seconds, this little lady will die." The noble tells the assassin sternly.

What did she just call her?

"Rae?" I ask softly, I forget everything else and look at the assassin again, while I was distracted there must have been a clear struggle between her and Sister, because her face is now completely visible. Long powder white hair, too pale skin and blood red eyes. I can still recognize my Rae, but I wonder if she could.

"Kill the Crown Princess." The lady commands as I am harshly reminded of my current situation, the blade hovering over my neck has me fearing to breathe.

Rae looks at the chokehold I'm in, her face doesn't move, but it doesn't have to. I can see the pain and fear in her eyes.
Rae grabs hold of a stunned Manaria, her having been caught off guard by the reveal of Rae's identity.
"Rae wait! Please, she's my Sister!" I shout out in panic.
"Stop moving or you'll be a corpse!" The noble yells at me.

Rae just pauses, she has Sister dead to rights, all she has to do is use any of the four elements at her disposal, or even a weapon should she have one.
Then, Sister snaps out of it and quickly moves to get away a little and starts to summon up magic. Though I can tell she's tired.

"What are you waiting for?! Fry that brat to a crisp!" The lady shouts as Rae starts to back up towards the two of us.
It's only now that I notice that Rae doesn't have a wand at the ready, yet when Sister throws fireballs at her, she easily takes them out with water.

Then, it happens in a flash. Rae was taking small steps back, towards us, and from one moment to the other, she stops attacking Sister and redirects the water to attack and restrain the noble.

Starting with where she held the knife, I could feel the air hit me with how fast and precise the water moves. It turns into ice once it's around the noble's hands and she screams out and tries to move her hand towards her chest. I quickly move away but Rae clearly isn't done as she makes sure to freeze her feet to the ground next. But before she can go about securing her other hand, the lady puts her authority to the test again, and it must be with quite some force as Rae flat out drops to the ground.

"Rae!" I yell out in alarm. I consider getting close but it would mean passing that lady, so instead I stay where I am.
To my surprise, Rae gets up in a manner unlike her. It looks more like as if she were a wooden puppet having her strings get pulled rather than if she herself did.

In the corner of my eye I see the lady grin maniacally as Rae begins to walk towards me with stiff steps.
"Rae?" I look her in the eyes but struggle to recognize the girl. Her face is a numb as ever today but her eyes finally match.
Sister seems to understand the situation right as Rae is forced to summon up a spear of ice.

The spear races for me, I try to put up a wall of fire to melt it but it doesn't get beyond a few flickers before it's disabled.
I close my eyes and hold my breath for the inevitable injury, but it doesn't seem to register. Is this adrenaline?

No, I don't feel anything different, except for a slight chill in front of my heart.

I open my eyes and see the shard hover above my heart, aggressively trying to pierce it, but clearly unable to follow through.
The lady, still stuck in ice, squawks indignantly. "How DARE you disobey me?! Kill her!" The shard hovers a little closer before retreating again. It never even touches my nightgown. 
I look at Rae, I can't see any thought or emotion anywhere on her, but either she's still fighting hard to keep control, or even without any control, Rae will never hurt me.

The noble screams in frustration and part of me wonders if the sound is still muted, since reinforcements would be great.
"Fine! If you won't kill your little crush, I have no use for you!" And she holds up the gem with her free arm.

To my relief, the spear of ice moves away from me. To my horror, however, Rae slowly lifts it to her own throat.
"NO!" I  try to tug it away and feel my hands scream at the sheer cold. How did she get it this cold? It wasn't this cold a moment ago!

Instantly the shard melts and my hands are healed. I feel hope surge and search her eyes, but they're still empty.
I lean onto her, nestling my head under her chin, I don't hug her, but it's close.
The noble hits her own head with the heals of her hands in anger. "Kill yourself! Kill yourself! Just Kill Yourself Already!"

I consider walking over to hit her myself, but I refuse to leave my Rae alone again. Then I feel something cold and wet hit my head. I check what it is with my hand, and find water. I take a step back and see that my dear emotionless Rae, is crying.

Before I can reconsider my priorities, Sister is already walking over and I move my focus back to Rae.
"Remove the choker." Manaria whispers with wind magic. To keep the still screaming noble from catching on, I presume.

Slowly, delicately, I move my fingers up towards her neck. I flick my eyes upwards to unthinkingly ask for permission. But I'm met with dull, hollow eyes that are staring straight ahead, with never ending streams of silent tears. So instead I silently ask for forgiveness instead, before looking down to her neck, and unclasping the choker.

The reaction is immediate.

Rae's knees buckle and she falls to the ground.
I lower myself down with her.

"Thank you." Rae whispers with a hoarse voice.
Her face is still far more blank than I'm comfortable with, but her blinks are less stiff. I know that sounds weird but trust me there's a difference. A difference that anyone would notice if they cared. If they cared a normal amount!

Sister comes to sit down next to us, I look behind me at the noble and see that the noble is now silent, but glaring at all of us with a swelling eye and cheek. I decide that that's good enough for me for now.

"It's over, Rae." I tell her softly.
Sister nods in agreement, but Rae stays still.
She might be in shock. I think to myself. That would be more than understandable, and that's only considering what I know of what happened to her.

After another few minutes of us sitting in the grass, unwinding of all the adrenaline, it finally hits me.

Rae is back.

I got Rae back.

She's safe, safe and with me.
She won't get hurt again, I get to take her back home with me, back to the academy. Where she'll be able to have more chess sessions with Prince Rodd, more banter with Misha, where she'll do my hair, cook my meals, carry my books.
Where she'll graduate with me, guard me as I move through politics, reassure me about everything I do.

Because I just got her back.

Eventually Sister gets up, and I follow and help Rae up. It's late, it's been time for bed for a while now.

"Sister, the help has surely retired to bed by now, correct?" Before she can answer I continue. "So there'll be no way for them to prepare a room for Rae. I suppose you can stay in my room. The bed is big enough for two." Manaria opens and then closes her mouth, and shoots me a saucy grin. I close my eyes and move my head away.

I start walking for the palace doors, which are still forced shut with earth walls. Right..
Before I can even ask Rae to please undo that, Sister is already on it.

As I pass the noble, I hear her whisper something.

'You're disgusting if you can love such a pathetic f*ggot piece of filth.'
Before she can continue trying to talk past her swollen cheek, I heat up my body with magic to the point where it should hurt her to be near me. I step closer and with every step she flinches at the overwhelming power. It feels right.

Face to face, inches apart, I whisper something right back. 'I can see nothing of worth for me to insult.'
And I turn to pass her.

But..

She grabs me?
She was unable to move almost anything just moments ago due to being encased in ice, where did that go??
I can't see what happens next, it goes too fast for me to really be able to tell. A navy blue shield slides in between me and the noble. My head gets knocked down and I notice my shoes are wet, as is the noble her dress.

I hear Rae grunt and hear more than see her elbow the noble against the ribs, knocking her to her ass. Then Rae traps her with earth. "One m-" Her voice breaks due to lack of use. So instead she points at the noble, makes a 'walking' motion with her fingers and then slides one finger past her neck.

That also works.

She turns around to face me and I see that she has a small cut right underneath her collarbone.
"Rae." I put my hands to my chest. She takes my hands and smiles a little at me, then softly shakes her head.
I almost burst into tears.

Maybe I really have been deprived of my Raeium..

Sister opens the palace doors from the.. The inside.. And out march five soldiers who instantly go to arrest the noble.
I'll be honest I have no idea when she went to go get help, but she looks surprised to see Rae injured.

She rushes over to us.

"Rae! Oh, here, I'll go treat you right away." Sister says with a slight seductive smirk that betrays some of her motivations. Rae softly shakes her head. "I have great-r healing." She manages to say.

The knights are trying to restrain the noblewoman without giving her any opportunity to escape, but it's difficult considering she's sort of half buried in such a manner that they can't tie her up without first freeing her limbs.
I decide that it's not my problem and use my hands (Which Rae is still holding onto by the way!) to guide her inside. Sister follows us, because of course she does.

"I can't believe I got you back! You're back with me!" I'm about to exclaim how happy I am about the situation when I remember myself. "About time! Do you have any idea how hard it's been? I've been having to carry my own books!"
I can't see Rae's face from behind me as I drag her along, but I hear the soft apology she mutters and it makes my heart squeeze in concern. What did they do to her?

It doesn't matter now, I'll fix it.
Everything will be fine.

"It's like my body is getting lighter, how many more turns are we going to take?" Rae asks after a while of walking.
Something about her way of talking feels different from how it used to be. But I can't figure out what.
"Yeah we're getting close." I answer right as Sister opens her mouth. After all the things Sister has confessed her desires to when concerning Rae, I don't feel entirely comfortable with having her near my Rae- maid.

And yet, Sister persists. "Rae, I really do feel that I should heal your injury. Please?" Oh, Sister is not one to say please.
She's serious.

"Really, everything is fine." Her assurance fails to ease my concern, and looking over towards Sister, I see she feels the same way. Frankly, I was more certain she was well before she tried to tell us so.
But we're getting close to my room, it's only two more corridors.

Still, we must've been pushing our luck, as Rae starts lagging behind a little, and then a little more, and then more, and then even more.
Right as I make the last turn, Rae lets go of my hands and stops to pant.
I turn around and notice that Rae is sweating. It's mostly strange considering the whole of the fight earlier didn't get her winded at all. Something is wrong.

Sister doesn't even say anything as she starts healing Rae. She seems to be able to tell instantly as she shakes her head as she leans her shoulder against a wall. She's not resisting at least.
Sister's eyes widen and I wonder what it is that she found to be ailing Rae. Could the bastards who took her have put in a failsafe?

"Rae.. How are you still standing?" Sister asks, her wand starts glowing a lot brighter, telling me that she's struggling to match whatever is going on.

I've seen a lot of healing over the years. Most were scrapes and bruises that I got while exploring, playing or practicing. The only one that was very serious was when I had broken two bones falling from a set of slippery nature-formed stairs set in the side of a cliff edge. When that got healed, the wand burned significantly brighter than normal. But it's nothing like Manaria's wand right now.

"I think the noble used a poisoned knife." Sister concludes before seemingly redoubling her efforts.
It honestly reminds me a little of the last time I saw Rae before all this. She had also been fighting poison, albeit from a well instead. She had also been giving it everything she had. I could tell.

"Yes, now that you mention it, she did insinuate something like that to me when she held me at knife point."
Manaria whips her head over to look at me, particularly my neck, before nodding and turning back to Rae.
Rae is softly glaring at Sister.

After another few moments, Sister slowly lowers her wand.
"I've healed some older wounds and gotten rid of most of the poison, though your system was doing a good job of fighting it off, your healing is indeed impeccable."
Rae clicks her tongue, not something I've ever heard her do before.

"I was under the impression I had already informed you of that. And it better be good at fighting poison. It's certainly had enough practice." She snarks before pushing herself off of the wall to continue the walk to my room.
I'm not sure what to think of Rae's current behavior, or that last comment and the implications.

All I can do for now, is follow her.

My heart has not been racing since getting rid of that collar.
I'm unsure of what that means. All this time I have been pushing myself forward under the assumption that everything would be okay again once the collar was removed.

That I would be able to once again have my cheeks heat up when looking or even just thinking of Claire.
But, the last time that happened, was when I had the collar on. Which begs the question, should I put it back on?

Logically I know that the answer is no. It made me miserable, cold, numb, and it let my Masters have control over me to some degree. No, I'm better without the collar.

But I want to be back to normal.
And it's not happening right now.

The only emotions I'm feeling are the bad ones. I'm feeling angry, hurt, confused, irritated and sad in a way I cannot describe. And even then, I'm not sure if it's really there, but I can almost swear that there's still a cap on them.
That I still can't feel quite as much as I'm supposed to.

I hate all of this.

I feel sick in my own skin, like my head is filled with sludge and every thought is like trying to push all of its mass through a tiny little hoop. It makes me want to cry out incoherently and just throw things and pretend they're all the confusing feelings and then maybe I can convince them to leave my head alone.

It's like my body is begging me to wash what is under my skin. In a place I can't reach nor flee, because it's in the joints and muscles I'd use to run with.
I think my breath should hitch in panic, my whole body should be rebelling against me, refusing to let me do anything except for sitting still as everything comes crashing down. But none of it happens.

Instead, I'm calm in a way that is intimately familiar, and as comforting as it is terrifying. Though this is the first time I'm anything close to as scared as I've always thought I should be.

I zone back into the room as Miss Claire comes out of the bathroom, changed into fresh pajamas with her having taken a short bath.
"I've left the water in the tub, I'm sure you'd enjoy that." Miss Claire says in a suggestive tone.
I shouldn't be negative to her, in any way. So I decide to lock up all emotions once again, since none of them are very useful at the moment.

"Thank you, I'll be quick so I can get to brushing your hair, Miss Claire." I tell her politely as I head over to the door.
I can tell I still hurt her from the corner of my eye, since she frowns. I'm sorry. It's just that I can't stand looking at you if I don't feel anything when I do.

The bathroom is tasteful, more luxurious than the ones at the academy. I wouldn't be able to judge accurately between the François estate and the Sousse palace.
I look at the bath. It smells like Claire. She must have brought her toiletries along with her.

Wait.

Miss Claire is here.

Miss Claire is here, in Sousse.

What are those odds?
What are the odds that Miss Claire is here, I'm here, Manaria keeps her life and my Master is taken down?

What are the odds that all of this happens, and that masked man isn't aware of it?

He might come back for me.

I undress myself at a quick pace and make quicker work of washing.
Even if he comes back, I might still not be able to feel everything quite the way I should, but I know that I won't go back quietly.

Before I know it, I'm drying myself off and.. Well.. There's only one toothbrush here..
The logical thing is to just take it and rinse it first, but I don't think Miss Claire would be any too happy about it.
I think I should be.

I should brush my teeth. It's important to do, and in this life I've always had the energy to do so as well.
Yet I find myself leaving the bathroom, to ask for permission.

"Miss Claire?" I call softly into the dark room. I hear and see the blankets shift as Miss Claire lets out a small "Hm?" Of acknowledgement.
"There's only one toothbrush, are you okay with me using it?"

There's a long silence. To the point I'd think she had fallen back asleep, if I couldn't hear her breathing pick up so clearly.
"Yes, just make sure to clean it with a dry towel the best you can afterwards, okay?"

"I will, thank you."
And I went to do just that.

As I brush my teeth, I feel panic creeping up my spine. If it's because of reality settling in, seeing Miss Claire again or the way I just behaved to her, I'm not sure.
I try to push the panic away, but find it to be stubborn. Like trying to stop a large boulder from rolling down a cliff with just a small little body to do it.
Still, the more I feel the panic, the less scared I am.

It's more just adrenaline than anything else.
As if my body is expecting for something to happen any moment now.

Oh.

That's probably it.
It's waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Waiting for that last moment of peace before we go back to our regularly scheduled horrors.
I stop brushing, spit and rinse.

I leave the bathroom and join Miss Claire in the warm bed, she's awake, but I pretend to be unaware.
Just like all the nights before, I don't dream.

And I can't help but be utterly unconvinced, that this rescue wasn't a dream itself.