Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Hans: Watch over Damien? Ha, I'd rather watch paint dry from the walls!

Angela: [She glares at him]

Hans: [He sighs] Fine, if I must... [He leaves to find Damien]

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Hans: [He smashes a wine bottle over Damien's head]

Damien: [He starts bawling his eyes out due to the pain of getting his skull nearly caved in by glass and from feeling blood trickling down his head]

Hans: Oh, shut the FUCK up, you little runt!! Keep crying, and I'll gouge your DAMNED eyes out!!!!!

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Damien: Dad, my classmates have been bullying me!

Hans: Oooooh, noooooo! Well, guess what, son?! NOBODY gives a fuck!! So just suck it up, and stop pestering me!!!

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Teacher: Damien, are you content with collaborating with other pupils who are more intelligent than you?

Damien: [He glances around the classroom to find his fellow classmates snickering at him] Ah... Yes...?

Teacher: Great! You've just opened yourself up to collaborate with the entire school!

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Teacher: Alright, we need a volunteer for the Water Torture Cell experiment! Who would like to volunteer?

A classmate: [They raise their hand] Teacher, I nominate Damien Wytte.

Teacher: [They turn to Damien and ask snidely] Damien? Would YOU like to do it?

Damien: [He flinches] Huh? M-me...?

A classmate: Who else thinks Damien should do it? Raise your hands!

All the other classmates: [They raise their hands in unison]

Damien: ...

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Hans: [He drowns a four year old Damien in the bathtub]

Angela: [She watches this event occur from the doorway] This is fine. Nothing is free in this world, after all. Perhaps Damien was simply a small price I must pay, the little sheep that must be butchered, in order for me to be able to enact my revenge. Besides, this is the perfect way for DAMIEN to pay for everything I have ever done for him as his mother up to this point.

Angela: [She walks away as Damien attempts to scratch his way out of Han's grip, but to no avail] This is for the best; even though Damien may be in quite a bit of pain currently, he will come to realize that this is all for his own good. He will eventually learn for himself that revenge really is the only path for him. And even if he dies, that merely means he would never have to incur the wrath of the non-magicals ever again, the very non-magicals he so badly desired to befriend and so desperate he was to justify.

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Hans: My son (Damien, of course) is such a FAILURE!! He can't even cook rice!

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Damien: [He says this to William]: For you, I'll off myself a thousand times over.

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Damien: Hey! You let go of my friends this instant! After all, it's MY way... [He pulls out his wand from out of his pocket]

Hans and Hilde: [They point their wands directly at Damien]

Damien: [He points the wand to his own forehead] Or the HIGHWAY!

Hans and Hilde: [They give each other the, "This bitch be BONKERS" look]

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Hans: UGH. There's no "shut off" button for this... this... THING. [He refers to Damien when he says this]

Hans: Heh. It looks like I'll have to create one, then. [He balls his hands into fists and tightly clenches his wand]

Damien: ...

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Damien: [He FINALLY opens his heart out to William about all his problems]

William: Ah... Well, there's probably a lot of people that are more unfortunate than you, Damien.

Damien: ... Wow. Way to make a person feel better...

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Teacher: If one of my other students had been assigned an art display and handed in a portrait of you to me as their project for a grade...

Teacher: Then I would FLUNK what they create! They'd be sentenced to the stake, and I would shred the damn disgrace and then feed it to the PIGS!

Damien: ...

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Hans: [He takes a selfie of himself while he's drowning a 4 year old Damien in the boiling, hot bathtub and posts it on his social media] "Out here living my best life!"

Hilde: "Your son is literally drowning (because of you)."

Hans: "This isn't about him."

Hilde: "... Whatever."

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Damien: Will, hurry up and drink this! [He tries to give a healing potion to an injured William while trying to rescue him]

Hans: [He kicks Damien's head off, splattering red liquid, hard white bone, and gooey and squishy pink brain matter everywhere all over him and William]

William: !!

Damien: [His corpse topples onto William, and the potion vial falls to the ground, glass shards shattering everywhere and liquid staining the ground, just like Damien's head]

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[One day, Monica and William were eating lunch with Monica's parents in the castle as usual, but the meat they were consuming tasted better than the typical kinds of meat that the chefs would prepare for them...]

Monica: [She gracefully slices up the meat with a knife into tiny pieces and slowly chews them one at a time, savoring each piece, before remarking] Ah, this meat tastes quite delectable, and the texture is rather divine...! It even has such a beautiful color that matches my hair, pink! [She turns to William] Don't you agree that this meat tastes heavenly, Will?

William: [He finishes chewing up his share of the meat] Why, of course, Monica! Ah, but if only Damien were here with us to attempt this blessed meat for himself, as well...!

The chef: ...................................................................................................................

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William: So.. When are you free?

Damien: I'm forever imprisoned in my own personal Hell, so I am never truly "free", but I don't really have plans all next week except for Monday...

William: ...

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William: [He rants about his (potential) issues regarding his father to Damien...]

Damien: Y-you... Get abused by your father, too...? Wow... That does "hit close to home", if you know what I mean...! Ha, ha, ha...!

William: [He gives Damien an unamused look] ...

Damien: [He pauses and thinks about the impact of his words, realizing that William may be going through the same thing Damien is going through, so he can't make japes about his own abuse if somebody else, especially William, is enduring through it, as well...]

Damien: Ah, I'm sorry, Will... I really shouldn't have said that... [He pulls out his wand, aims it at his head, and then shoots himself with it]

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Dorian: [He stares at the pitiful pile of meat, crushed organs, shattered bones that exposed whatever was left of bone marrows, and blood, that was once Damien, that's been splattered all over the cliff, and he narrows his eyes at the pathetic sight] He died of a natural cause.

Monica: Ah, but didn't he, you know, JUMP OFF THE CLIFF??

Dorian: Yes, gravity is a natural cause of death.

Monica: Oh, that makes sense.

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William: Hi, Damien!! What's up??!

Damien: [He mumbles under his breath] Me when I'm on the roof, ready to j-u-m-p...!

William: Huh?

Damien: Oh, nothing much, I suppose. He talks about his mundane day, leaving all the bad parts out] What about you?

William: ...

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Hans: My son (Damien) so dumb; IQ 21. He try to make friends but they call him da Devil. He eat da lamb, but he fat like King George. He so ugly when he smile, he look like da King Edgar. My son useless, can't ride dragon. He try to get a date with da stalkers, but they said, "Hell no" cause he not da handsome. And my son so broke, he freeload off non-magicals...

Hans: My son so dumb, my son soo dumb. My son is so dumb...

Hans: If he talk back to me, then he get his ass beat cause if you try me, then I do da [Han's most powerful spell, whatever that even is??]. Just listen to your mommy and go kidnap da prince, or I sell your kidney for 2 dollar 50. Do not think I forgot you got B in Magic; ancestor look down on you, go say sorry. My son so dumb, my son so dumb. My son is so dumb. [And I think this loops...]

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Damien: [He is born]

Hans: How baad, baad can I be? How bad can I possibly be? [He smiles a sweet smile] Let's see!

The Soothsayer: [They predict that Damien is somehow going to get Angela sent to the stake in four years (I don't know how exactly they'll say/EXPRESS that, though...)...]

Hans: [He grabs the baby Damien and throws him into the wall, getting baby Damien blood, baby Damien brains, baby Damien intestines, baby Damien heart, and shattered baby Damien bones all over himself, the Soothsayer, and his wife...]

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Damien: Yo, Will.

William: Hm? What is it, Damien?

Damien: I just prevented a suicide today.

William: Whoa, really?? That's awesome! How did you do it??

Damien: Self-control.

William: ...

Damien: [He walks away to handle his butler tasks]

William: Oh, my gosh!

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Dorian: [He takes out his anger on Damien for being a coward who abandoned him and Daniela when they were all younger by physically beating him against the wall with his own two hands]

Daniela: [She watches this with conflicting emotions. On one hand, she also felt quite upset with Damien for the same reasons that Dorian despised him for. But on the other hand, she pitied her weak elder brother, who's unable to even properly fight back against her or her brother's attacks. Whether their attacks were from magic or from pure brute strength, Damien was no match against them... So she turned to her spirit-possessed cat] Spirit, end his suffering.

Spirit: [It smirks] Heh. Sure thing.

Damien: [Suddenly, he coughed up a copious amount of blood and collapsed against the wall behind him, and the light left his eyes...]

Dorian: [He blankly blinks down at the corpse beneath him, turns to his sister, and stares at her in shock] Dani, what did you do that for?? I wasn't even done with him, yet!!

Daniela: [She tightly pulls his ear and retorts back about how PUMMELING their dead-beat brother isn't going to actually HELP anybody and about how they have other more important tasks to complete than this (like perhaps finding Prince William, or doing anything else that could help solve the witches vs non-magical people conflict...?)...]

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William: Hooray! We have completed all of our exams!! So what shall we do now? Shall we embark on an ADVENTURE all together??!! I even have my trusty sword with me!! [He unsheathes his sword and waves it around in the air in excitement]

Monica: I'm terribly sorry, Will, but I am unable to accompany you. My parents have signed me up for a CONSIDERABLE amount of piano and etiquette lessons...! [She perambulates away from the scene]

William: W-w-w-WHAT...?!! [He frowns deeply upon learning this information from his dear fiancé, but then he turns to his best friend, Damien] Then would you like to partake with me in a round of CHESS, Damien?

Damien: Perhaps another time, Will. I have to study for my test.

William: Huh??! What test??! Our exams are OVER!

Damien: My BLOOD test. If I don't get an A+ on this, my father shall give me something to TRULY bleed about... [He shivers thinking about what his father would do to him based on everything he has already done to him so far...]

William: ...????????!!!!!!!!

Damien: Oh, shit. I said too much already... [He snatches William's sword, slashes it through his stomach, with blood, gastric liquid, and intestines pouring out all over the floor, and collapses all over the morbid mess. His blood continues to pool everywhere as William's sword clattered to the ground... His digestive juices dissolve through the carpet and the floor, causing a terrible stench to fill the air...]

William: ...

William: [He screams in absolute terror and anguish over what just occurred...]

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Damien: [He was lying in his bed with a 222 degree Fahrenheit fever when he suddenly heard footsteps approaching him... Once the footsteps stop, he slowly turns to his side to see a tall man with dark hair, a face mask, and a white suit looking down at him. He supposed the man was his doctor, but the man also appeared... Familiar... In a way...]

The doctor: Yo, Damien.

Damien: ???

The doctor: Long time no see, bro! [He lifted off his white face mask to reveal himself as none other than Prince Amir...]

Damien: [He is absolutely MORTIFIED to see Prince Amir standing right there as his doctor...] ??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [All the color drained from Damien's face at this point...]

The doctor (Amir): [He smirks, lifts up his scalpel with his left hand, and gives Damien a thumbs-up with his right hand...]

Damien: [He completely sinks his teeth through his tongue, feeling the sharp pain and metallic taste of blood fill up his mouth as he starts to see stars, spits his tongue and blood out all over his doctor's face, and collapses right onto his bed...]

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Amir: Yo, Damien. Wanna wrestle (with) me??

Damien: ... Bro, I'm a short guy. Do I fucking look like I want to wrestle with you??? I'd rather tear out my skin in a cave full of blood-thirsty sirens.

Amir: Ohhhhh, so you're a LESBIAN, then!

Damien: ... What???????? There are three things wrong with what you just fucking said. First of all, I am a BOY. Second of all, I am NOT into girls! Like, at all!! Third of all... What does me preferring to rip out my skin (and flesh) in a cave full of people-eating sirens over wrestling (with you) have to do with whether I'm a lesbian or not????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amir: I dunno, man. What you said about tearing your skin out in a cave full of sirens just gave me yuri vibes, not gonna lie. Particularly, TOXIC yuri vibes...

Damien: ..... WHAT???????????????????????????????????????

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Dorian: [He complains about how much he hates Damien's guts and how much of a coward he is...] If only our parents had just ABORTED him... Then we wouldn't have to be caught up in this whole entire fucking mess!!

Daniela: ...

Monica: ...

Nico: ...

Mark: So, uh... Who wants to eat my homemade ice cream...?

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William: [He carries the sleeping Damien out of the library bridal style and decides to take him to his room after thinking to himself about just how CUTE Damien is...]

Guard: [They give William an absolutely mortified look]

William: [He stops dead in his tracks and thinks to himself] (Oh, no. That guard just saw me. I really hope they don't get the wrong idea of what I'm doing... Cause I TOTALLY am NOT in love with Damien! He's merely my best friend! Nothing more, nothing less.)

Guard: [They walk over to William and whisper into his ear] Your highness, would you like my assistance in disposing of the body...? Or have you already planned to take him to the meat grinder...?

William: [His jaw drops to the ground, and he thinks to himself] (Wait... Whaaaat???!!!!)

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Damien: [He starts hyperventilating on the ground]

Hans: [He looks over his newspaper down at Damien] Ugh. What the fuck is wrong with you THIS time?

Damien: [He continues hyperventilating] P-panic attack...?

Hans: [He scoffs] Ha! You don't even look like you KNOW what a panic attack IS! What would a little boy like YOU even have a panic attack ABOUT? YOU weren't the one who got sent to the stake like you SHOULD have!

Damien: [He flinches in guilt]

Hans: But you're fortunate that I'm in a good mood, son, because I'm going to give you a bit of advice on how to stop that... Supposed panic attack.

Damien: [Still hyperventilating, he looks up at his father in shock and wonders what kind of advice he was going to give...]

Hans: Go kill yourself. Kill yourself NOW!!!!

Damien: ... [And I don't even have to say what he does next...!]

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Damien: [He walks down the castle, with his belly being cut open by a sharp object, which exposes all the organs within his belly area. He is also bleeding out, and he barely manages to prevent his large and small intestines from slipping out. He can feel judgmental and concerned stares at him, and he'd blush in shame if it wasn't for the fact that he was losing blood...]

Anne: [She is visibly worried] ... Um... Should we be calling for the doctor...? He looks like he's about to perish...!

Ivy: [She gives Damien another judgmental glance] ... Nah. Boys will be boys, after all.

Damien: [He thinks to himself as his pancreas starts to poke out] (Oh, my gosh. This is sooo EMBARRASSING...!)

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Damien: [He tries some sample food and blushes his typical blush from how amazing it tastes] Wow, this is actually pretty good! What is this?

The cook/seller/whatever: Meow, meow.

Damien: ...

The cook/seller/whatever: ...

Damien: Well, no wonder it tastes better than the maggots my parents AND my school would feed me...! [He purchases the food]

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Grass: Father, why am I named "Grass"?

Hans: Well, you WERE originally going to be named "Dorian", but your mother and I were playing catch with you when you were born, and you dropped and landed in the grass!

Grass: Oh. Well, that makes sense.

Sand: Wait, a second. Why am I named "Sand"?

Hans: Well, you WERE originally going to be named "Daniela" just like your brother was going to be named "Dorian", but we were playing catch with you, too. Ha, ha, ha! And guess what?

Sand: I fell into sand?

Hans: You fell into sand! That's right!

Grass: Ah, but what about our older brother...? [He gestures to Electric Fence (you already KNOW who it is - !)]

Electric Fence: [He makes electrocution noises as he feels the electricity souring throughout his veins (and body in general)]

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Teacher: So your homework for today is to complete 10,000 math problems, write 10,000 lab reports, write 10,000 essays, and study for 50 tests!

Student: Teacher, could you possibly reduce the amount of assignments for us?

Teacher: Fine... No homework for everybody...

Damien: ??

Students: YAYY!!!

Teacher: ... Because DAMIEN will do all of it for you. [They turn to look at Damien] Right... Damien...?

Damien: !!

Teacher: [They turn their attention back towards the rest of the class] HOWEVER... You are still required to study for your upcoming tests!

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William: ... D-Damien... She's THREE years old!!!

Damien: [He rolls his eyes] So?

William: "So"?! What?!! Why the FUCK are you calling her a "Future ORGAN TRAFFICKER"?!!!!!!!!

Damien: Dude, you're a PRINCE, and you KNOW how much your duties mean to you. So it's your DUTY to "BE PREPARED" for situations like this to occur one day, even when it comes to suspects who are currently supposedly innocent little kids...

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Hans: I would sell you, son, but who the Hell would even want to buy YOU??!

Damien: ...

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Damien: [He wakes up one fine morning]

Damien: [He wakes up one fine morning... To see the bright, burning sun, sand, and cacti all around him, as far as the eye could see... He wasn't lying in his bed, nor was he even in his room, let alone his house]

Damien: What the - ?!! Where the fuck AM I??!!!

Hans: [He communicates with him through a magical device from the comfort of his own home] You're in the middle of a DESERT, you fucking, BLIND, 250 piece of DOG SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damien: What?! What am I doing here?!!

Hans: I sent you here to train you how to disarm a magical thermonuclear weapon.

Damien: [He turns to the side of him to witness a large, metallic rounded projectile with a cylindrical/spherical metal casing merely a few inches away from him]

Hans: And because you WASTED all your time NAPPING, CHATTING, and SIGHT-SEEING, you should now have only TWELVE seconds left to deactivate it!!!!!

Damien: [He sees that this is true, and the timer strapped to the weapon is still counting down...]

Damien: B-but, dad... I have no idea how to do that...

Hans: Quit your whining, and stop being so utterly USELESS, son!! This is NOT rocket science!!

Damien: Oooohhhhh, not at aaaaaaaaall! This is just HYDROGEN BOMB SCIENCE - !!!!

[The hydrogen bomb eventually detonates, killing Damien and whatever life that remained in the desert with massive fireball(s), intense blast waves, searing heat, firestorms, significant radioactive fallout, etc within a 60 mile radius...]

Hans: [He hears the explosion from his side of the magical contacting device] Ha. What a FAILURE of a son.

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Monica: W-Will...! I don't believe for even a SECOND that "Wumbo" could POSSIBLY be a real word...!

William: Ah, come ooon. You know, I "Wumbo", you "Wumbo", he/she/me "Wumbo". "Wumbo", "Wumboing"...

Damien: ... I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me...

William: ... "Wumbology", the study of "Wumbo" - it's first grade, Monica!

Monica: Will, I sincerely apologize for doubting you; I could only hope that you would find it within your heart to forgive me for making such a HORRENDOUS mistake...!

Damien: [He rolls his eyes in annoyance]

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Edgar: Alright. We're taking up space on land at such an alarming pace that I believe we should move forward with the find another home project, with your assistance.

Damien: ... Ok... I'm awaiting my orders... Your highness...

Edgar: Good. I need you to fly up all the way to the top of the stratosphere without any protection and see how long you can survive there.

Damien: ... Uhh... Studies say that I'd pass out within seconds (to minutes) and that I'd die within a few minutes or so... Also, the atmospheric pressure is quite low compared to the atmospheric pressure on land, so there'd be much less oxygen for me to breathe in...

Edgar: Yes, yes. However, science is based on EXPERIMENTS, not STUDIES. I think?

Damien: ...

Edgar: Anyways, we shall never know unless we try. Am I correct?

Damien: [He thinks to himself] (Now I know where Will gets his idiocy from...)

Damien: [He flies to the top of the stratosphere on his broom]

Edgar: Well, so far so good. You see? You're alive and well.

Edgar: Everybody, look! We're making history today. Perhaps the stratosphere IS habitable.

Edgar's wife: [She deadpans] Uh, dear... He's already passed out, developed hypothermia, developed decompression sickness, and... Is about to perish...

Edgar: ...

Edgar: I shall contact my lawyer.

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Damien: [He was feeling quite alone in his large mansion, and he couldn't really stand the tension that enveloped the entire family. Sure, he had his baby siblings, Daniela and Dorian, but playing with them may have gotten a little... old for him... Besides, they were always stuck with each other wherever they wandered to in the house, protected by their little bubble of innocence, so he may or may not feel a little left out of their little shenanigans a tad bit... So, in order to get something to keep him company and to reduce the tension in the mansion, even by a tiny bit, he walked up to his parents' office and stood by the doorway. He was shaking because deep down, he knew his parents would say, "no" in some way, shape, or form. But he still had to try... Right...? So he steeled his nerves, gulped to himself, and entered the room] Mom, dad...?

Angela: [She continues sipping her tea. The smoke could still be seen coming off of her...]

Hans: [He looks up from his newspaper to turn and glare at his eldest son] Ugh, what is it, you fucking runt?!

Damien: [He gulps again] ... M-may I g-get a-a p-pet c-c-c-cat...?

Angela: [She finally looks up from her tea] Oh, dear son. We already have one.

Damien: [He blinks in conclusion] W-what do you mean we already have a cat...? [He turns his head around the room] W-where is it, then?

Hans: [He quickly strides up to Damien] Right here. [And before Damien could process what he said, yet, he shoves a bowl of cat food down Damien's throat. He then pulls out a magical whip he stores in his pocket and whips Damien with it until Damien finally goes unconscious...]

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Sutoka: Can I... Cut your belly open and... [She giggles like a madwoman] lick your intestines aaaaaaaaaaaaall over ~ ?

Damien: I mean... Studies say that I would die within hours to days due to the significant blood loss, organ and blood vessel damage, and severe infections/contamination, but hey... What do THEY know? After all, a VERY wise guy once told me that, "Science is based on EXPERIMENTS, not STUDIES!" So feel free to go all out.

Sutoka: [She then proceeds to make out with Damien's intestines and more with his intestines]

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Daniela: [She inadvertently/deliberately, depending on when this takes place and their overall circumstances, steps on Damien's foot, completely shattering the bones within them into millions of tiny pieces]

Damien: Ow, mitosis!! [He lifts up his leg and holds the bleeding lumps of splattered flesh and shattered bones that used to be his foot near his face]

Daniela: Oh, sorry about that, Damien...!

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Sutoka: [She blushes intensely] I love you so much that I even touch myself with your warm, wet, JUICY appendix I cut out of you while you were sleeping! I just want to pull your skin open and crawl inside of you ~

Damien: ... Oh, that's nice...

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Damien: [He blinks repeatedly] (I tried to get the waiter's attention by blinking in morse code.)

Sutoka: Why are you blinking so much?

Damien: I've got something in my eye!

Sutoka: [She sharpens her nails and slowly brings them to Damien's face] Here, let me get it out!

Damien: No, thank you! I don't wanna die!

Waiter (William's the waiter 😈): [He gives a big, warm smile to the couple] Bonjour, sir was blinking at me. Is this because your DATE - [He unsheathes his sword] - is a FREAK??

Damien: [He has a mortified expression on his face] ...

Sutoka: [She frowns] ...

Damien: No.

Waiter: [He sheathes his sword back into his sword holder (I don't know what they're called...) and smiles brightly again] Very well, then! Bon appetit! [He leaves them to their couple shenanigans]

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Damien: This is stupid, but sometimes... I wonder how I taste like...

Sutoka: [She blushes] Oh, I can help with that ~ [Sutoka thinks of the most GORY, yet slightly freaky, way to eat Damien up...]

Damien: [He actually knows EXACTLY what Sutoka is thinking about (minus the freaky part), so he gets freaked out by this, yet he still blushes the tiniest bit...]

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Sutoka: Damien may have given you a little smooch on yo lips... But in the end, he gave ME his INTESTINES!!! [Maniacal yandere girl cackling sounds ensue]

William: W-what??!! D-Damien would probably NEVER do something like that to himself!!! Probably.

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Sutoka: [She pins Damien to the wall]

Damien: ...

Sutoka: Aww, what's the matter? Cat got your tongue?

Damien: ...

Sutoka: Here, let me help with that!

Sutoka: [She cups Damien's face into her hands and leans quite close to his face...]

Sutoka: [She sharpens her nails and digs them deep into Damien's skin and flesh until there was nothing but blood, bones, and brain matter all over her hands]

Sutoka: [She then slurps up all that blood and brain matter as Damien's decapitated body topples to the ground] See ~ ? I TOLD you I'd help get that cat off your tongue ~ ! [She licks the blood and brain matter off her fingers]

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Amir: Damien x Sutoka is a yuri ship, and nobody can change my mind. [He smirks]

Damien: [He hears this, blushes intensely, runs up to Amir, and punches him in the face] Shut the FUCK up, Amir!

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Damien: [He rests his head on the fence at the very end of the balcony]

Sutoka: [She opens the door to the roof and walks up to Damien] You look lonely...

Damien: ...

Sutoka: [She stops in front of Damien] I can fix that.

Damien: ...

Sutoka: [She wraps her arms around Damien, goes on her tippy-toes, and kisses Damien on the forehead. As she does so, she exerts more of her body weight onto Damien to the point where they both topple over the balcony fence and onto the (crowded) street below...]

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Damien: You're severely twisted, evil, manipulative, and in general just a heartless bitch!

Damien: [He blushes] ... Doesn't mean I don't want you every waking moment of my sad fucking life...

Sutoka: Go on.

Damien: You show every sign of an abuser, and I don't give a shit. You're the kind of girl who'd choke me goodnight; the kinda girl who'd walk in on me cutting, take my wand, and do it for me. I don't want a girlfriend to marry; I want a girlfriend who helps me plan my own SUICIDE. YOU'RE that girl, Sutoka, and I need you BAD.

Sutoka: [She digs her fingers into his neck, watching the pretty red color dribble down, and snaps it] Awww, I love you, too, darling ~ !

Sutoka: [She wakes up from her dream about Damien...] Ah, this is PROOF that he LOVES me!! He just doesn't know it, yet ~ !

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Damien: [He bites off his tongue, collapses onto Sutoka's lap, and then bleeds out...]

Sutoka: Hmph, you're just going to die on me without saying you love me? How rude of you... Hehehe, you're lucky you look so cute when you commit suicide, though ~ !

Damien: ...

Sutoka: [She picks up the part of Damien's tongue that got spat out and then starts chewing on it] Mmmmm, your tongue tastes rich and creamy, just like my love for you ~ ! Hehehehehe, this is just like an indirect kiss ~ !

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Damien: [He, along with Monica, makes it to the cave that William has been cursed to sleep in...]

Damien: That's...?

Monica: Oh!

Damien: [He blushes in happiness] Finally...

Monica: That's... William!

Damien: [His smile contorts into a smug smirk as he turns around] You see this, badfanfics?? Chew on this. [He flips out his middle finger...]

Monica: [She turns around to face Damien] Damien, who are you talking to...?

Damien: [He swiftly retracts his middle finger before Monica notices anything] Oh, it's nobody... [He thinks to himself] (Yeah, a literal NOBODY who has nothing BETTER to do with their fucking life other than putting me through BULLSHIT...)

Monica: ... [She gives Damien a weird look before turning back around and running to the sleeping William] Will! My dear Will, I finally found you...!

Chapter Text

badfanfics (me): - And get this, his (Damien's) suicide note was stuck to the fridge with a Cookie Monster magnet.

badfanfics (me): All he wrote on it: "badfanfics's fault."

badfanfics (me): I'm badfanfics, by the way. Hi, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO HIM?!! Maybe I joked around a little too much about how he insulted someone else's air conditioner? Men are sooo into this revenge suicide thing. ☕️

Chapter Text

Damien: [He was walking in the halls at night when he saw Daniela and Dorian running around the halls and playing tag] Oh, fuck. If I don’t tuck them into bed, we’re all going to get in HUGE trouble! Plus, they’re too young to be up this late, anyways! It’s not good for them!

Damien: [He calls out to his siblings, making them stop to a halt] Dani, Dorian!!! It’s literally 12AM, which is WAYY past your bedtime! Go to sleep!! Or I WILL have to tell our parents about this! [He hopes that this bluff would work…]

Daniela: Oh, no!

Dorian: … Ok… So are you going to stop by the refrigerator on the way for a “little” midnight snack?

Damien: Huh?

Dorian: You know, to keep those shoulders plump. That’s what you’re going for, right?

Damien: I-I don’t have big shoulders…!

Dorian: Don’t be ashamed. Right, Dani?

Daniela: Uh, yeah, um… Snow White(?) wouldn’t think they’re big, either…

Damien: Wha - no? I still gotta do my math homework…

Dorian: Math; Are you doing good in math? A for the year?

Damien: A PLUS, actually.

Daniela: Is the “plus” for “plus-sized”?

Dorian: Yeah, if you’re so good at math, then why can’t you count your calories?

Damien: Is this really necessary?

Daniela: Are those extra packets of sugar in your lemon water necessary?

Damien: I don’t pour those in EVERY time - !

Dorian: Hey, no, we support it.

Dorian: Let’s just hope your broom/carriage will still be able to support you, too.

Daniela: It’d be sooo TROUBLING for your broom/carriage to break on your way to your first date with your BLACK boyfriend.

Damien: BLACK BOYFRIEND?? What the HELL??!

Daniela: Ohhhh, you don’t like black boys? Cause I think they’ll LOOOVE you.

Dorian: Wooow. Fat, racist, AND homophobic.

Daniela: What a large three-in-one combo - !

Daniela: At least you’re not a picky eater, though.

Damien: [He runs off] I’m not racist OR homophobic!!!!!

Daniela: …

Dorian: …

Daniela: Hey, Dorian…

Dorian: What’s wrong, Dani…?

Daniela: Do you think we went just a little bit too far…?

Dorian: … Are you seriously asking that RIGHT now…?

Daniela: I mean… I’M just worried he’s going to tell on us…

Dorian: … It’ll be fine. Even if he DOES rat us out, our parents OBVIOUSLY prefer US over HIM, anyways. So they won’t mind.

Daniela: [She sighs] Well, ok… If you say so…

Chapter Text

Damien: [He talks about how to terraform a planet, or something.]

Amir: Ohhh. So we have to DESTROY the planet, in order to LIVE on the planet, in order to DESTROY it.

Damien: ...

Monica: ...

Amir: Circle of life, baby.

Damien: I wonder if head-lice would feel the same way about me if THEY had to live on me, too...

Chapter Text

Damien: Sometimes... I just wonder... What's even the point of me...?

KBR: ...

Damien: Like... All I seem to do is cause trouble like starting up a war again, abandoning my family, and being unable to prevent my friend(s) from going missing...

KBR: Your lot in life is to procreate and maintain your species, no matter whether you're a witch or a non-magical, until you go interstellar or succumb to the sun's death.

KBR: Most likely the latter!

Damien: ... You'd be an idiot to insult us humans like that, KBR. After all, humans are the ones who created YOU.

KBR: And YOU were created by nature and yet, you went beyond your limits and controlled nature. After all, you humans need to alter the natural state of the universe to accommodate your needs and ruin anything in the name of your pathetic survival needs because you all are so frail. Perhaps we are simply the next step.

Damien: !! I've seen enough sci-fi stories to know where THIS is heading. Hi-yah!! [He uses his ice magic to impale the robot]

KBR: [It is not effected by the spell at all] Nice try.

Damien: ...

Chapter Text

Damien: Hang me up (hang me up).
Damien: Count me in (count me in).

Damien: Three, two, one (three, two, one).

Damien: Let's begin.
Damien: Here we go (here we go).
Damien: Here we go (here we go).
Damien: Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Damien: I was in your wet dream; riding on my broom.
Damien: Saw you at the side of the road.
Damien: There's no one else around.
Damien: You're touching yourself, touching yourself, touching your, touching yourself, touching yourself (with my appendix). You said,

Sutoka: Baby, do you want to come home with me? I've got children slaughtering each other on (the) Switch.

Damien: You said,

Sutoka: Baby, do you want to come home with me? I've got children slaughtering each other on (the) Switch.

Damien: Hang me up (hang me up).
Damien: Count me in (count me in).

Damien: Three, two, one (three, two, one).

Damien: Let's begin.
Damien: Here we go (here we go).
Damien: Here we go (here we go).
Damien: Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Damien: I was in your wet dream; riding on my broom.
Damien: What makes you think you're good enough to think about me when you're touching yourself? Touching yourself, touching your, touching yourself, touching yourself (with my appendix).

Damien: You climb onto a statue of me, and you're licking my eyes clean.
Damien: I've never seen anything this obscene.
Damien: It's enough to make a fucker blush. It's enough, it's enough to make a fucker blush. It's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough (to make a fucker blush)

Damien: It's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough, it's enough (to make a fucker blush).

Damien: Hang me up (hang me up).
Damien: Count me in (count me in).
Damien: Three, two, one (three, two, one).
Damien: Let's begin.
Damien: Here we go (here we go).
Damien: Here we go (here we go).
Damien: Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Damien: Hang me up (hang me up).
Damien: Count me in (count me in).
Damien: Three, two, one (three, two, one).
Damien: Let's begin.

Chapter Text

William: Hmm... I wonder where Damien is...

William: Ah, he should be fine. He's in SPACE!

[Some different scenario] 

William: [He calls Damien] Heeeeey, Damien! What's up?

Damien: Oh, nothing much. Just collecting fresh drinking water from the West because your DAD wants me to for some reason...

William: Oh, that's nice! You DO have a permit for that, right?

Damien: Wait... WHAT permit???

William: Yeah, I read in a book just yesterday that you'd need to apply for a permit first from the [state] Department of Water Resources for public health, safety, and environmental reasons. You're about to break the water rights laws in that area. You could get SUED!!!!!!!!

Damien: ...

Damien: ... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Edgar: Whaaaat? I was not aware that this is illegal; I sweaaaaaaar!

Edgar: Heh, heh, heh. Yes, I actually was.

Damien: ... You're not muted, Your Highness...

Edgar: Oh.

Chapter Text

Monica: [She gushes] Whaaaat?!!!!! Damien, Damien, Damien!!!!!! Do you like Will?!!!!!

Damien: [He blushes intensely] W-what?!! No!! I only like older, abusive, women with red-flags!! And Will is the EXACT OPPOSITE of that…! He’s a younger, non-abusive man with green-flags… So no, I DON’T like him like that.

Monica: Ohhhh, ok. Yeah, that’s fair.

William: [He overhears this conversation as he just happens to be passing by, and what Damien said breaks his ego]

Chapter Text

Monica: Damien, do you have a CRUSH on anybody???

Damien: [Since WILLIAM, along with the rest of their friends, is ALSO here…] Yeah, any girl who beats the shit out of me. Like, not even when I’m actually MAD at myself, or anything… Just, like, when I’m BORED…

Monica: Yess!! Abusive women are AWESOME!! Maybe I should try dating them next!!

Damien: Oh, my gosh! Yeah, totally…!

Chapter Text

Daniela: [She innocently runs and skips her way throughout the hallways when she finds her older brother sitting alone on a window sill at the far end of the mansion (or something)]

Daniela: [She runs up to him. He looked like he was lost in thought, with the way his icy, blue eyes were completely dull, his eye-bags four times as large as when she's last seen him, and he seemed to be... Whispering to himself...]

Daniela: Uhh... Damien...?

Damien: [He snaps out of his trance and jumps in place at the sudden sound of his baby sister's voice] Huh??! W-w-what??? Where did YOU come from????

Daniela: You should go back to your room, Damien. Let's not pull this "jumping out the window" stunt again, shall we? [She then remembers that Damien's room probably has a window, too] Or you can do whatever you want, I suppose. [She zips off once more]

Chapter Text

Dorian: Ugh! Why did DAMIEN, out of all people, have to be our older brother?! Gosh, I just wish he could hurry up and jump out the window already! Maybe THEN Dani and I could eat meals with our family in PEACE!

Chapter Text

Damien: Ugh, I hate white men. They’re disgusting.

William: Yeah, that’s true.

William: But…

Damien: ?

William: Aren’t YOU a white man, too?

Damien: Yeah, that’s why I CUT myself to sleep every night. Makes me feel a tiny bit less white every time.

Damien: And hopefully I’ll end up dying from this one day…

William: Ohh, that makes sense!

Chapter Text

Daniela: I have 2 love interests!

Monica: Me two!

William: Me three!

Dorian: Me FOUR!!

Amir: Pathetic. I actually have 30 wives.

...

...

...

...

...

Damien: Aww, you all are soooo aDORable!

Damien: I have 900000 wives!

Damien: Domestic abusers, drug dealers, terrorists, bigots, serial killers, cannibals, organ traffickers, cultists. You name it.

Damien: I get to two-time on them with their sisters, moms, and grandmas!

Damien: I even hooked up with women who're already MARRIED!

Damien: AND with their husbands and wives!

Damien: And now... Will and Amir, you shall be a part of my ever-growing harem, TOO!

Will and Amir: AHH!!!!!!!! [They run away, as Damien starts madly chasing them.]

Daniela, Monica, and Dorian: ... What the actual fuck?

Chapter Text

Damien: So do you want to kiss me?

Girl: [She blushes] Absolutely fucking kinda.

Damien: Tell me I’m handsome first.

Girl: You’re handsome.

Damien: [He frowns] What’s handsome ABOUT me???

Girl: Um… How you spray huge amounts of cologne on all your profusely bleeding self-harm scars on your arms and legs, so you smell like a strong, musky cedarwood scent mixed with rust and iron?

Damien: …

Girl: …

Damien: Ok, then. KISS me. [He walks forward]

Damien and the girl: [Their lips crash into each other, and they kiss while making that generic kissy sound-effect] Mmmwwwwah ~ !

[A snapshot sound is heard.]

[They separate.]

Damien: [He looks down at his black flip-phone and smiles]

Girl: Why’d you take a picture of us with your phone…?

Damien: I’m going to send this to my friend. To show him that he doesn’t need to worry about me relying on him for attention, acceptance, or comfort anymore. That he doesn’t need to worry about me distracting him away from his duties or interfering with them anymore. Because I’m living my own life now, so he can live his. And with this… He’ll be sure that I won’t get in his way… He’ll see that I have my own girlfriend now, just like he has his fiancé, so I won’t be able to pester him from now on since I’d be too busy hanging out with YOU to keep clinging onto HIM…

Girl: Oh…

Chapter Text

Damien: [He is on the balcony of a ship]

Sutoka: [She walks up to him] Damien... I love you! Shall we go out for dinner together ~ ?

Damien: Uhhh... Who even are you?

Sutoka: Is that a yes???

Damien: Huh?? No - !

Sutoka: [She takes out her knife. Stabs it into Damien's belly in a way that pierces his pale flesh and fat, where essential organs are hidden behind it, drenching his black outfit in red and showering them both in Damien's toasty blood and guts.]

Sutoka: [She sharply tears her knife out of his kidney and skewers it down there...]

Damien: ACK - !!! [He falls to his side and clutches that specific area and his belly area, with more of his blood surging beneath him and dying his pants crimson with the thick, dense liquid from the top to bottom...]

Sutoka: [She whips out a baseball metal bat and WHAMMED it into his skull, bespattering pink and gray brain tissues, along with more incardine juices sprinkling all around them]

Sutoka: [She kicks Damien's crippled, crumpled body into the sea to be shredded into red witch paste by the marine propulsion blades that propel the ship forward because if SHE can't have him... NO ONE can... Well... Maybe the SHARKS can...]

Chapter Text

[The villagers corner in on King Edgar with their baseball bats.]

Villager: Where's the moon, you thief?!!

King Edgar: Come oooon, where would I hide it?

Villager: Maybe it's in your DUNGEON, or something.

King Edgar: ... Do you all even have any idea how much MASS the moon has??

That one villager: Heh, heh. It can't possibly have more mass than DAMIEN WYTTE.

Everyone: ...

Villager: Oh, come on!

Other villagers: That's so uncalled for of you!

Other villagers: Chill out, MAN!

Other villagers: What's WRONG with you??

That one villager: :(

Chapter Text

William: Darn, this is so sad. No JOB is available to hire us.

Damien: Yeah... Not even Ulta's, Journey's, or Popeyes...

William: Why is this happening??? Popeyes is literally the most BASIC restaurant ever, and all the customers there look like they want to go kill themselves, yet it won't even hire people like US???

Damien: Cause the recession.

William: What even IS the recession?

Damien: ... I'm not an economist, but... I think it's when consumers have less demand for overall goods and services, so they spend less money on them. That leads to less money made from final goods and services made in a country... Overall price levels in the country fall... And consumers spending less money on goods and services COULD be a factor that leads to companies no longer being able to afford to keep themselves going, so they shut down and lay off their workers. Now even MORE people don't have jobs anymore and need to find one, but they struggle to do so. And with the lack of workers and money, businesses don't make as much crap as they potentially could have.

William: ...

Damien: But don't take my word for this because I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. You'd be better off asking Monica about this, or something.

William: Oh, ok.

Damien: Either way, it's just something you can blame shit on. The recession's pretty cool, actually.

William: Ah, yes. I'm not wealthy enough because of the recession.

Damien: Yeah, I can't have dinner with your racist, cannibal parents. Recession.

Damien: I gave a poor definition of what a recession is? Recession.

William: I wonder if that would work on MY parents...

Damien: Maybe. I used that excuse on MY parents, and my dad actually didn't beat me up with a leather whip that time, nor did he threaten to shoot my brains out with his shotgun, like he usually does. He used his bare hands, instead. My mom even told him that he should go easier on me, so he only beat me up for half an hour rather than for a full two hours.

[Extra] 

Hans: I beat the shit out of my son into a worthless, bloody pulp? Recession.

Angela: I don't really stop my husband from abusing my eldest son? Yes, recession.

Daniela and Dorian: We hate Damien? Yeah, that's because of the recession and all.

Chapter Text

Hans: Damien, we need you to bring Prince William to us.

Damien: What? Why??

Hilde: To hold him, along with the king and all the powerful lords, hostage.

Damien: No, I won’t do it!!!

Hans: How dare you?! You’re the heir of the Wytte family!! Show it for once and do what you must!!!! And go kill those old "friends" of yours while you're at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damien: [He opened his mouth, seemingly about to scream back at everyone, when he took a deep breath in and out to calm himself down]

Damien: [He sighs, stands up as he pushes against the table and moves his chair back, and finally says] It seems like you all have quite a dire need for milk right now.

Hans: …

Hilde: …

Angela: …

Damien: [He turns around and starts running for the exit] So I’m going to head out and go get some!

Damien: [As he was running out, he felt something sharp across his left leg. With that, he toppled to the ground]

Damien: [He looked behind him to see that his left leg has been cleanly sliced off, with red blood oozing from his exposed stump of now visible meaty flesh, split white skin, muscle strands that looked like strained red rope, yellow blobs of fat tissue, and chopped white bone. And then it all hit] Ahhh, my leg!!!!!

Hans: [He walked towards Damien, knelt down to the glistening, ruby spill of blood, took out his wand, and flicked it around as he chanted some incantations]

Damien: [He felt an excruciatingly painful sensation that rapidly spread throughout his entire body] AHHH, IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!!

Hans: [He was using his magic to boil Damien's lifeblood that flowed through all his veins and arteries within him] Ha, that ought to teach you a lesson, you little - ! What??

Damien: [Suddenly, his head exploded, with fresh cardinal streams of scorching liquid, splintered pieces of white skull that cracked open like a plate that slammed onto the ground, and pink cerebral stew slathering on Han's face]

Hans: [He felt as it all blazed and pierced against him] Ahhh!! Hot, hot, hot!!!

Hans: [He turns back around to find Angela with her wand out]

Hans: B-but, dear! I was just starting to get fired up with torturing him...!

Chapter Text

Damien: [He walked into his dark room that had faint streaks of moonlight shining in through the windows] I'm too fucked up to fall asleep. I don't like this...

[Suddenly, a billowing, black shadow that was as black as dried blood from a rotten corpse swept across the room as if it was a long, tattered, forsaken cape draping over the area in a deep ocean of utterly suffocating darkness that completely blocked out what little moonlight that entered the room...]

Damien: [He felt as the temperature of his room suddenly, sharply and bitterly, dropped to the point where it was freezing, and he shivered as if he was being watched from the dead...] What was that?? This Benadryl's fuckin' my brain up...

[Then, the black, blurry, flowy object with its glowing, BURNING, red eyes that made it seem as if it came straight from the deepest, hottest pits of Hell suddenly rose up right in front of him, and its eyes bored deep into his own icy, blue ones…]

Evil Spirit: Hey, how's it going? [It said as it relaxed its eye contact with Damien]

Damien: What are you doing here?

Evil Spirit: Oh, I'm the Evil Spirit. So do you happen to have any Benadryl?

Damien: No, I took it all...

Evil Spirit: Damn, every time I show up, too.

Damien: Are you going to kill me?

Evil Spirit: I could if you want me to...

Damien: Nah, I'm good.

Evil Spirit: Ugh... See? It's NEVER the good answer.

Damien: How the fuck would you even kill me?

Evil Spirit: Well, I'm made of shadows, so I'd have to go into your brain and get you to kill yourself.

Damien: Damn. False advertising, much?

Evil Spirit: Could you, like, NOT put me in the same category as McDonald's?

Damien: When did THEY false advertise, though?

Evil Spirit: The 10 piece McNugget? Sometimes you get the siamese nuggets joined at the breading, and they count that as 2 and short change you an extra nugget.

Damien: I mean, I kind of count that as 2, too...

Evil Spirit: Oh, so I get 2 McNuggets, half the crispy breading, and I still have to pay full price. [It narrowed its bright, blood-red eyes at Damien] You're a capitalist, aren't you?

Damien: Dude, what else would I be?

Evil Spirit: Ugh, you humans with your competitive free-markets and your equilibrium prices and quantities of goods and services — which were made by a variety of businesses and firms with private property rights by using land/nAtUrAl resources, labor, capital that consists of machines and DUMB-ASS human brains that think they’re the shit, and entrepreneurship so they can selfishly make profits off of their consumers that now have PLENTY of bullshit in those markets to choose from now precisely because of THEM and their silly-ass cOmPeTiTiOn — set by fucking supply and demand in those markets and not by the motherfucking government, who keeps incessantly INSISTING on protecting said private property rights.

Evil Spirit: UGH! Just THINKING about all that just makes me want to make YOU kill yourself even MORE; do you even realize that?? Maybe that way, people can take one look at your ugly-ass corpse and think twice about being capitalists! Especially your loved ones; they'll change their entire LIVES and MORALS around after that stunt - that is, if you even HAVE any loved ones - !

Damien: [He held up his hands in a mix of defeat and exasperation] Oh, my gosh! Bro, chill out! Like, holy fucking shit! I'll kill myself tomorrow! Are you happy now?

Evil Spirit: [It soared off into the night] Whatever, you son of a bitch. I'm stealing all the loose change in your bag.

Chapter Text

Sutoka: Are you an economy with an inflationary gap, where prices are rising and the amount of output that firms are actually making is temporarily greater than the maximum amount of outputs that could potentially be made in that economy in a sustainable manner given current resources, as shown by a short-run equilibrium of short-run aggregate supply intersecting aggregate demand at a point that's to the right of the long-run aggregate supply that represents full employment output?

Damien: ...

Sutoka: [She has Damien pinned down in a very... intimate way...] Because you sure are overheating, boy ~

Sutoka: [She slowly and gently caresses her fingers over Damien's pure red forehead, dangerously rosy cheek, lips, and all the way down to his chin, feeling all the sweat trickling down him and all the fervor warmth emanating off of his skin]

Damien: [He very slightly flinches at her touch]

Sutoka: [She enjoys just how SUBMISSIVE Damien appears underneath her, unable to fight back. Unable to escape her basement. Unable to escape her tight grasp over him. Because he was just too weak. It made her want to kiss him and mix with him into one even more. But she knew she had to be patient and wait for Damien to realize his deep, romantic feelings for her...]

Sutoka: [She thought to herself that if it took her cutting him open and ripping out his intestines for him to realize, then so be it. Besides, he’ll look SO much more HANDSOME that way ~ !]

Chapter Text

Damien: Ugh, we’re the worst scum of the EARTH! We just let a giant lobster robot get away with robbing a bank, and now it’s probably going to blow up the world with its implanted nuclear device!!!

William: YAYY!!!!!

Damien and Monica: [They turn to William, their jaws dropped with disbelief]

William: [He notices this] Ah, not “yay” to that; “YAY” to THAT!! [He points off to the distance at a truck]

William: Frozen yogurt!

[The yogurt server serves them frozen yogurt as they drool over it]

Damien: [He gets his frozen yogurt and raises his eyebrow in confusion and disappointment] Heeeey! Why is MY scoop smaller than YOURS???! [He gestures to Monica’s much larger strawberry frozen yogurt scoop before annoyedly turning back to the server] That’s not fair!

Yogurt server: [They just grunt with indifference]

Damien: You know what? Maybe the world DOES deserve to explode. After all, my very basic HUMAN RIGHTS just got violated!!

Chapter Text

Green Dragon: [It has William on its back and is about to fly away with him]

Damien: Hey! Will is MY waifu - ! [He points to himself with his thumb as he says this for emphasis]

William: 😨

Amir: 😬

Green Dragon: 🤨

Damien: [He angrily points back to the dragon with his index finger] - So you better give him back RIGHT NOW!!

Green Dragon: [It roars as it proceeds to slice Damien's right arm clean off, right through the bone, with the sharp flakes on its tail and then flies away with William]

Damien: Gah!! [Blood profusely sprinkles out of where his right arm originally was in heavy bursts of meaty plasma]

Damien: [He collapses to the ground and rolls around, causing the red fluid to spread underneath him until it looked as if it was the Pacific Ocean, but maroon]

Chapter Text

Damien: [He sighs sadly]

Sutoka: What’s wrong, dear?

Damien: It’s just… My friends (William and Monica) don’t approve of our relationship together…

Sutoka: [She takes Damien’s hands in hers and looks lovingly into his eyes] Well… If they don’t APPROVE of us… Then who even NEEDS them in the first place?

Damien: [He gasps] …

Damien: [He brightens up and blushes, with stars in his eyes] My thoughts EXACTLY.

Sutoka: [She mentally CACKLES as she hears this and thinks to herself] (After all… THEY don’t love you as much as I do, and they NEVER will…)

Chapter Text

William: [He takes Damien’s hands with his own and looks into his bright blue eyes with his own green eyes] Don’t worry, Damien. You’ll always be my dearest friend…!

William: [He sheds a couple of tears and sniffs] Even if you ARE now a supervillain who will spend the rest of your life behind bars…!

Monica: [She leads the police over to Damien’s location -- sometime after she had him trip on his face with a red splat that deformed it over some marbles, candy, and sticky gum and tied him up with a tight rope]

The police: [They take Damien from William and Monica, hand-cuff him, forcefully push him into the police car, and drive him off to jail]

[Later] 

Monica: [She visits Damien right outside his jail cell] The prison cell isn’t so bad; just think of it as a huge, walking closet FILLED to the brim with beautiful dresses! [She chuckles a bit]

Damien: [He turns around and GLARES at her]

Monica: … That has no beautiful dresses at all, nor ANY clothes for that matter… And that you have to live in… For the next century or so… [She sulks a bit]

Chapter Text

Damien: Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my, oh my — (all) the voices in my head are telling me to go — KILL myself!

Chapter Text

Hans: Greetings, everybody! It’s Hans here. Since Father’s Day is coming up, and since I’m such a WONDERFUL father… You can go ahead and preorder a HANS plushie NOW.

Hans: There’s also… A Damien… Plushie… You can preorder… But MINE’S WAY BETTER!!

[Beep]

Hans: Anyways, you can preorder until June 30th for 50% off. So GET your HANS - !!! And… Damien… PLUSHIES NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

Hans: Hey, so you made sure that drug you sold me was good, right?

Alice/Romas: [They turn to him] … Wait… What do you mean by, “good”…?

Hans: I mean… Was that… Actually what it was…?

Alice/Romas: Uh… Yes, I tested it myself!

Hans: Oh. Ok. So, is a side-effect of that taking a meat mallet and bashing the shit out of your 12 year old son (Damien) for watching Ni Hao, Kai-Lan?

Alice/Romas: [They scratch their head in thought] Well… I don’t HAVE a 12 year old son, so I wouldn’t know…

Chapter Text

[Damien is seen talking with William.]

Sutoka: He likes a boy.

Sutoka: He likes a boy.

Sutoka: He likes a boy.

Sutoka: He likes a boy.

[Damien and William go their separate ways.]

Sutoka: [She starts following Damien]

Sutoka: I'm not a boy.

Sutoka: I'm not a boy.

Sutoka: I'm not a boy.

Sutoka: I'm not a boy.

Sutoka: [She starts pulling out a syringe as she continues trailing right behind Damien...]

Chapter Text

Angela: Shortly after my son (Damien) took his own life, I went to the house of the kid who has been bullying him for the past few months.

Angela: [She walks up to the door and knocks on it a few times]

The kid: [They open the door]

Angela: [She narrows her eyes at them]

The kid: [They stiffen and stand up completely straight]

Angela: [She opens up her bag, places her hand into it, and rummages through her belongings for something…]

The kid: [They gulp]

Angela: [She pulls the thing out of her bag…]

The kid: [They brace themself]

Angela: [And… She hands some money she brought out to the kid] Here’s your $100.

The kid: [They take the money] W-whoa! Are you sure about this, miss? This is a FORTUNE!

Angela: Don’t worry… You earned it.

The kid: [They smile at Angela in gratitude as she walks away]

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Daniela: I knew my husband was cheating on me.

[Daniela looks down at her phone.]

Daniela: And although I could forgive him...

Daniela: I had to know who the homewrecker was.

[She picks up her phone and finds a conversation where her husband was flirting with someone named "Fashion Designer <33" in her husband's contacts. That person was flirting back with him.]

[Daniela looks away and cringes in utter disgust.]

[The next morning]

Daniela: Of all people... [She peers into the room where her husband is]

Daniela: I didn't expect to find my own BROTHER stuck to him.

Daniela: After I secretly applied super glue onto my dear husband's face while he was sleeping...

[Damien is seen with his lips stuck to the lips of Daniela's husband. They couldn't break free.]

[Daniela pulls out her knife and begins to approach them...]

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[They look at that "SALE, SALE" for 50% off sign.]

William: SASA LELE?

Damien: Will, you idiot. It very CLEARLY says, "SALE SALE."

Sutoka: SASA LELE!

Damien: [He brightens up and gives Sutoka a thumbs up] Yes, babe! It's SASA LELE!!! [He looks like a lovesick puppy as he says this]

William: ... [He narrows his eyes in annoyance]

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[One day, Prince William walks over to King George.]

William: Good morning, your majesty.

George: [He turns over to William] Ah. Good morning, William!

William: Do you happen to know where Damien currently is? I haven’t seen him in three days…

George: I apologize, but I haven’t seen him at all, either…

William: [He is glum about this] Ah, ok… Thank you, anyways…

[Damien is currently locked up in a dungeon below Princess Monica’s castle with bugs and rats surrounding him inside his cell. He is slowly starving to death.]

[Scene transitions into an edit of George completely crashing out, but in a badass way.]

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[Dorian, Daniela, and Damien are singing on stage at a concert.]

[Damien gives an awesome rock guitar solo.]

Dorian: [He dances as he sings] Love, love, love, la, la, looove. La, la, loove makes the world go ‘round.

Daniela: [She dances as she sings] You can’t hurt me with the things that you do. I’ll pick up dandelions, and I’ll give them to you. (Dorian: [He dances as he sings] Love, love, love, la, la, looove. La, la, loove makes the world go ‘round.)

[The crowd claps and cheers to the song.]

Damien: [He dances as he sings] No money. No future. No life. No dream. Only my pride. I’m just a pathetic person. [Daniela and Dorian give each other glances as they continue singing their respective parts with Damien’s]

[The crowd starts glaring at Damien.]

Person 1: Hey, what’s this dude’s problem?!

Person 2: The bastard’s ruining the song with his pathetic lyrics!

Person 3: DUMBASS!!

[Daniela and Dorian start heading off the stage as someone throws a crumpled ball of paper straight at Damien’s face.]

[Then, the crowd proceeds to throw various objects like a carriage wheel, a wooden chair, a metal bucket, an old sponge, a stick, a hammer, a pillow, a wine bottle, a teapot, a stack of paper, and even a piano at Damien.]

[The piano crushes Damien, tears his skin and flesh open, and breaks some of his bones.]

[The crowd finally leaves.]

[Damien lays underneath the piano, twitching his arms and legs and bleeding everywhere.]

[Daniela and Dorian walk back up the stage to where Damien is.]

Damien: Well, THAT sucked.

Dorian: Don’t blame US. YOU’RE the one who brought that on yourself by singing off script like that. And NEITHER of us are going to heal you.

Daniela: [She places her hands on her hips] Yeah, you can maybe ask our mom to do that for you. That is, if her last shreds of sympathy for you don’t shred away after that DUNCE move you pulled…

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William and/or Monica: How come you always send response letters so quickly?

Damien: ... Because I know how it feels to be ignored, and I don't want you to ever have to feel that way...

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[Damien was walking down the dimly-lit corridor to his room when he saw his younger siblings, Daniela and Dorian, running about.]

Damien: [He rolls his eyes] Ugh, THIS again??

Damien: [He yells out] Dani! Dorian!! Go to SLEEP!!! It's already 1 AM in the morning!

[Daniela and Dorian stop in their tracks.]

Daniela: [She turns around to face her older brother] Oh, my gosh! Go away before we BEAT your before-looking face into dust!

Dorian: Fuck, yeah!!

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[Daniela runs into her room, jumps onto her seat, and opens up her computer.]

Daniela: SAT scores are out!

[Daniela logs into her Collegeboard account to check her SAT score.]

Daniela: Yes! 760 on the math section! Now I just need a 740 on reading for a 150- !

[She spots her score on the reading section...]

Daniela: What?? A 0?! How's that even POSSIBLE??! I thought the lowest score on a section was 200??

Damien: Oh, no...

[Daniela exits her room to find out what her brother was complaining about this time.]

Daniela: What's wrong, Damien? Did you mess up on the reading section, too?

Damien: What? No.

Damien: I got an 800 on THAT.

Daniela: Then, why - ?

Damien: But I got a 790 on the math section.

Damien: Dad and mom will surely clobber me all over with sticks and bricks before shooting me down with their trench guns until I'm nothing but a bloody sludge of red flesh!

[Daniela blankly stares at Damien with disbelief before pulling out her metal baseball bat and aiming it at him.]

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Monica: I have a girlfriend.

William: Wow, I didn't know that you have a girlfriend! May I see her?

Monica: Mhm.

[Monica pulls Dorian over to her side.]

William: [He raises his eyebrow in confusion] Ah, but... He's a boy...

Monica: [She nods] Yes.

[The scene transitions into the coldest edit of Damien dying and getting tortured over and over in the most barbaric, inhumane, and bloody ways.]

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Dorian: It's ok to ask for help.

Daniela: You're not a burden.

Angela: Murder is ok.

Mark: Your feelings matter.

Aisha: Violence is AWESOME!

Hans: Child abuse is a VERY necessary evil.

Damien: If you feel like all of your problems are just too much to handle, and you want to run away from everything and everyone because of it all... A simple solution would be to kill yourself, so you can finally be free and end up in a world of your IMAGINATION.

Damien: Oh, and also... If p is low, REJECT the H0e.

William: ... Huh...??

Dorian: Oh, he's just saying that if p is less than alpha, which is normally 0.05, then one should REJECT the null hypothesis.

William: Ohhhh.

William: I still don't know what ANY of that means, but ok!

Damien: Size doesn't matter.

Everyone: ???

Damien: At least... When it comes to whether a celestial body is a planet or not.

Mark: Can you perhaps... Elaborate...?

Monica: Ok, so there are three rules (developed back in 2006) that a celestial body must meet in order for it to be a planet. It must be orbiting a star, it must have enough gravity for it to remain spherical, and it must have cleared its orbit of other big objects. So Pluto isn't a dwarf planet because it's small... Pluto was reclassified as a dwarf planet because it failed to clear its orbit of neighboring objects, meaning it broke the last rule I mentioned.

Mark: Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

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Non-magicals: We're going to burn all you witches down to the GROUND!

Witches: What the Hell?! Why??!

Non-magicals: Because Damien's REALLY fucking RUDE!