Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Esther could no longer see herself in the mirror. Hilda had recently given birth. It had been a long, hard labour, lasting a total of seven hours, during which she had screamed her head off. Nevertheless, the little boy, Markus, Esther's nephew, was in good health. At least, that's what Grimmer had told her on the phone.

She hadn't been there.

She hadn't been there because, when she wanted to follow Nathaniel, whom she had seen at the end of the corridor, she had stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a familiar figure, but one she didn't want to see again. It was Denise. Her mother.

She had slipped away immediately, feeling bile roll off her tongue at the sight of her mother, who had changed greatly. After all, Esther hadn't seen her for years, but the discomfort of her presence hadn't gone away. Esther loved her mother, of course, so she didn't expect this kind of reaction from herself. She decided to leave the hospital, a lump in her stomach as she recalled many of the things this woman, this old woman now, had said to her when she was younger.

Kids like you should be against the law.

You should learn to keep your mouth shut. Nobody likes a smart-mouthed girl like you.

Become a doctor? Come on, you're a woman, Esther. You'll get married, have children and stay at home, as you should.

Don't talk to your mother like that! Don't speak! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

You've ruined my life, Esther!

God, I wish you'd never been born!

If only you'd been part of all those miscarriages I had! Why, Lord, did you only let that little monster survive?

So she didn't want to go. She'd spent the day vomiting, torn between the guilt of not being there for one of her brother's most important moments - she felt terribly selfish - and the fear her mother had inflicted on her, even though she hadn't seen her daughter or spoken to her. Esther had begged Nina on the phone to forgive her for not being able to come and see her that afternoon, telling her that she had fallen ill again. When Grimmer called her, she felt even worse.

"Is everything all right?" he asked, and Esther had to suppress her retching and reply in a weak voice that she was fine, so as not to distress him further, and that it would be better if he didn't come when he offered to come and check on her, claiming that she was afraid it might be contagious.

She was lying, of course. She was just afraid to see her mother.

So Esther lay on her side in the middle of her perfectly made bed, her eyes riveted on the doorknob, almost expecting to see the door being violently kicked in and Denise bellowing her way in. She was hungry, but she knew she'd throw up as soon as she put something in her mouth. She had put a bucket beside the bed, just in case, and tried to sleep, but her heart was pounding against her chest and ears.

She jumped out of her skin when she heard the door to her flat unlock. Grimmer's slow footsteps entered her flat, but she didn't have the strength to get up and greet him. There was no need, because he knocked on her bedroom door, clearing his throat.

"Esther? Can I... Can I come in?"

She cursed the lamp on her bedside table, which had indicated that she was in her room. But if she didn't say anything, maybe he'd leave and-

No, he opened the door, and didn't dare say anything when he saw her like that, her face almost green, sweat sticking her clothes to her skin. They looked at each other for a moment, and then Esther felt her eyes waver, so she had to blink several times, and when she opened them again she saw Grimmer kneeling by her bed.

"Oh, Esther..." He murmured as he placed a careful hand on her cheek, pushing back the damp strands of hair that had stuck to it. "Sorry..." He said simply, and Esther didn't have the strength to ask him why he was apologising. "Do you need anything? Do you want me to get you some water, or food, or..." He left his sentence hanging, looking at her with that sad look she'd seen so much of over the last few days. "...Or do you want me to leave you alone?"

Esther could feel herself falling asleep so it was complicated to answer. She simply placed her hand on Grimmer's, which had migrated to the woman's shoulder.

The small smile he gave her was the last thing she saw before falling asleep.

"Ah..."

Grimmer didn't know what to say to what Esther had just told him. As soon as she had woken up, he had waited patiently in the living room while she went to take a shower - surprisingly, he couldn't get into her room and stay there as easily as before - and she returned a few moments later. He was momentarily distracted by the ends of Esther's hair, which had curled slightly, shining with moisture. He thought of touching them, just for a moment, but stopped himself.

So he had listened to her. He had listened to her rant with a speed and emotion he had never heard before. He had never seen her talk like that. But he liked her lack of self-control. He liked that she couldn't stop herself from swearing, and sighing, and making big gestures, that she looked at him with such anger, that she got so carried away. He loved seeing her so alive.

He had to stop her when he saw her eyes moisten. Gently, he put his hands on her face, caressing her cheekbones in a slow gesture, as if wiping away tears that had not yet fallen. He let her keep talking, let her grip his wrists as if they were her anchor.

He tried not to let anything show when Esther told him how she was neglected and torn between her parents' expectations. On the one hand, her father took her hunting, cut her hair short when she had always wanted it long, scolded her, called her son, talked to her about running the family and being a man. René wanted a son. On the other hand, his mother taught him how to cook and sew, how to set the table and welcome guests, how to dress and the manners she should adopt. Denise wanted a daughter.

Then, when Nathaniel was born, she loved him with all her heart, of course, but she no longer meant anything to her parents. Her father didn't even seem to know she existed, and her mother had turned into a viper. Grimmer couldn't keep her at a distance for so long and held her to his chest, stroking her back as she sniffled softly. He pressed his cheek against Esther's damp hair.

"I understand... It's all right, Esther. I'm sure Nathaniel will understand..."

Esther doubted it, but said nothing. She simply let herself be comforted by the warmth of a body that was not her own, and those big, patient hands on her back and shoulders. She felt good. But bad.

The long worm of her jealousy - there was no other word for it and she knew it - was beginning to manifest itself, slowly working its way up her spine as all the times she had seen Grimmer with Zahra at the foot of the building came flooding back. She pulled away and he let her, albeit a little disappointed. He took her hand.

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Grimmer asked in a soft voice, as if he were talking to a frightened animal.

Esther looked away. "I can't hide forever."

"Ah, finally, you're here!" Nathaniel exclaimed when he saw his sister enter, but there was nothing warm or cheerful about her face.

Esther said nothing, and merely looked down at the newborn baby in Hilda's arms. Grimmer, out of respect, had stayed outside, and it was a good thing he did, because Markus was suckling happily at his mother's breast, his puffy cheeks caressed by her.

"I'm glad to see you, Esther." Hilda murmured, looking down at her son.

"Congratulations." Esther replied, before feeling skeletal fingers grip her arm, like ivy that was far too strong to get rid of. She turned her eyes to her mother, who seemed to be considering Esther's left hand with interest.

"You've put on weight..." Denise muttered, letting go of her daughter's arm. "At last, what could we expect? The menopause is approaching."

"It's nice to see you too." Esther retorted curtly, surprised at her own insolence. She had always been the one, between her brother and herself, to hold her tongue better. But she supposed she was being pushed too far.

Yes, that was exactly it. Esther couldn't take it any more. She was far too weak and tired, and she wanted to get this visit over with quickly, go home and not talk to anyone.

"Speak better." Nathaniel corrected, frowning. "Why weren't you there?"

"I was sick."

"Sick my ass." Nathaniel crossed his arms over his chest. "If there was ever a day to be there, it was yesterday. It was a big deal for me and Hilda and all of a sudden you're sick? I know you, Esther, you're never sick. Do you expect me to believe that all of a sudden nothing's right?"

"I'm going through a bad patch, that's all."

"But what bad patch?" Nathaniel insisted, disbelief laced in his words. "You're doing fine! You're fine, so, go on, tell me, what could possibly be making you so bad that..."

"Denise's presence." Esther replied, her voice cold. Oh, he was starting to get on her nerves too.

"It's Maman, not ‘Denise’. Don't lump her in with Rene." Nathaniel hissed, his eyes squinting.

"Why not? Has she ever defended you to him?"

Denise let out a sound of outrage, rising abruptly from her chair. "Esther, that is enough!"

Esther remained silent.

"Maman came because she knew how much this day would mean. She took care of everything! And what were you doing, eh?" Nathaniel continued, moving closer to his sister, who didn't flinch. "You're never there when I need you anyway!"

Esther took it in her stride. Her head held high, looking down on her brother. She said nothing, but she could feel herself sinking inside, little by little, her anger giving way to a sharp pain that paralysed her body for a moment.

"Mum said you'd grow up to be like him. That you were like René, but that you just needed time to realise it. That, like him, you would leave us, or you would destroy us." Nathaniel shook his head incredulously. "I always told her she was wrong, but now I think I see it. You're horrible. You really are."

Esther glanced at her mother, who was looking back at her with tears in her eyes. That bitch.

"Esther, I really thought you'd be happy to see me..." Denise sniffed, shaking her head. "I know I've been hard on you in the past, but people change, you know? I really wanted things to be better between us..."

Esther took a deep breath.

"Say something, damn it!" Nathaniel burst out, grabbing his sister violently by the shoulders, but immediately pulling back when she raised her hand, squealing.

Esther walked over to the bed where Hilda lay, "Congratulations again. Sorry I couldn't be there." She murmured.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry... I should have told you she'd be there, but I got scared, and in the end..."

"Hush, it's all right..." Esther reassured, smiling slightly. "It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. I'm not blaming anyone. It's me." She looked down at the baby, who resembled his father in every way. "Hi, Markus. Sorry I couldn't be there..."

Then she straightened up, and headed for the door, without a word.

"Hey, Esther, where are you going?" Nathaniel shouted indignantly, following her as she stepped out into the corridor, before the surprised eyes of Grimmer, who hadn't expected the visit to end any time soon, tucking the notebook he'd pulled out into his bag. "You know what? Suit yourself! You'll come back on your own anyway, you're always stuck on me, it's a wonder who's older! I hate you so much! I don't want you back!"

Esther was the big sister. Esther always avoided conflict whenever possible. But also, Esther suffered. Esther's eyes were burning. Though Esther swallowed her tears because Esther had to be strong.

Esther paid no attention to Grimmer, who caught up with her. Esther pulled her hand away when he tried to take it. Esther did not notice that he too seemed to suffer.

Esther left the building and walked to her car. Esther stopped before getting into the car, turning to Grimmer.

"I'm going home." she said simply.

And Grimmer watched her get into her car, and he wished he could have stopped her, wished he could have told her that...

He froze when she looked at him, her hands on the wheel.

"Aren't you getting in? I'm taking you to Zahra's."

Her voice was so calm it sent shivers down his spine.

The journey was relatively quiet. In other circumstances, Grimmer would probably have wanted to start a conversation with her. But she was sniffling, and sometimes wiped away a treacherous tear. So he placed his hand, carefully, on Esther's leg, applying pressure to make her feel less alone.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." Esther said simply as if she were talking about the bad weather.

"No, no, it's nothing... Do you want to talk about it?" He offered, looking at Esther's profile, who shook her head slightly.

"There's nothing to talk about."

Silence. Grimmer felt uncomfortable. Why did they always have to take two steps back for every one forward? It was driving him mad.

"You once told me that you were a pest with your parents..." Grimmer began, taking the look she gave him as a sign that she was listening. "I can see why. And you were right to act like that."

Esther said nothing. She didn't agree with what he was saying, but she had no strength left in her at all. She felt as if she were acting out of pure mechanism rather than out of interest or because she had decided to.

"In any case, the baby is healthy." Esther concluded as she turned a corner, as careful as ever on the road. "But a bit big for his age, isn't he?"

"He doesn't look very big to me... Friedrich was about his size..."

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, she was already frowning.

"Friedrich? Do you have a little brother?"

Shit, shit, shit, shit-

"No..." Grimmer didn't dare look at her, feeling his blood run cold as Esther brought the car to a halt near the pavement. "That's... That's my son."

"Great." Esther muttered as she turned off the ignition, and removed her seatbelt. "Just perfect."

"No, wait, Esther..." Grimmer got out of the car at the same time as her, and he thought she was going to explode, her whole body tense, as she locked the car and headed for the residential area. "I assure you I can explain."

"No, but I don't care. The problem isn't that you have a son..." Oh she was lying, it was quite a problem for her who had naively become attached to him without even considering whether he didn't already have someone. Concentrating on Zahra... How stupid she had been! "It's that you didn't tell me after all this time... I'm supposed to find out now that you have a family?"

"Esther..." Grimmer insisted, grabbing her arm, but she slipped through his fingers. He followed her, ignoring the worried look Zahra gave him as she sat with Pablo in his wheelchair near the building. "Esther, listen to me..." He continued, feeling his voice get louder, frustrated.

He didn't want her to be angry with him. He hated these moments when they both argued, and he certainly didn't want to ruin his relationship with her over a misunderstanding like this. He had to tell her what she wanted to hear, didn't he? Maybe that would fix everything.

Three words, he could do it.

"I..." He murmured before cutting himself off when he saw the look she gave him.

Disgust, anger, sadness, it was all there. She felt betrayed. And he knew that nothing he could say would make her feel better. Nothing he could do would make her feel better. He had to leave her. Despite the pain it was causing him too.

He vaguely remembered that he should never leave Katerina alone when she was angry. She needed comforting, and he needed to hold her close and whisper whatever she wanted to hear. But right now, he wasn't so sure anymore he knew what Esther wanted to hear, and he could bet that she would vehemently refuse to be touched. So he let her go.

He watched her go for a while until she disappeared into her building. And Bruno, on his balcony, stubbed out his cigarette.

"Bunch of amateurs..."

Esther stormed into her flat, slamming the door and throwing herself onto the sofa, screaming into one of the cushions.

It wasn't enough.

She pushed furniture around, knocking over books and chairs.

It wasn't enough.

She bit her fingers until they bled, scratching her arms until long red lines appeared. And that made her feel better, for a moment, but...

I hate you so much!

She clutched her head in her hands.

Oh, Nathaniel. Her little brother whom she loved so dearly and for whom she would do anything. He hated her now. She was useless. She no longer had a purpose. Everything she'd done up until now was pointless, because it was all up to him.

René, and Markus, and jumping off the fourth floor, and driving to Dortmund...

No, he was right, she wasn't even capable of attending the birth of his son. What kind of person was she?

His son... His son was surely her priority now. She hadn't had any good examples with René and Denise - she wasn't allowed to be referred to as his mother any more - but she knew that children took precedence over everything else in life. Children were the ultimate goal, the ones you always had to put first.

What was the point now? What was the point of putting Nathaniel first if he hated her?

Esther had hidden in the larder, as she used to do in the family home in Nice. This way, she could cry as much as she wanted, and there would be food nearby to comfort her. So that's what she did. She cried like a child, sobbing as if it were the only thing she knew how to do, the pain forcing out of her sounds she thought herself incapable of producing, like a wounded animal, like game when she missed the vital organs.

So that's what they were feeling, those poor animals she had shot without mercy. The intense burning that made her tremble until she was reduced to cowering on the ground, her heated cheek against the cold tiles. She parted her lips so that she could vomit again, feeling the sweet confusion of a fever flare up.

Esther wasn't sure if she had fallen asleep, but she was brutally awakened by the sound of her door opening. The nausea hadn't gone away yet, and the rancid smell of her vomit all around her wasn't helping to calm her nerves. She sat up and clamped both hands over her mouth when she heard footsteps entering her flat.

One, two, three. Three people.

"Essie?"

Nathaniel's voice rose first, which was hesitant, hoarse and nasal. He too had been crying, no doubt. She heard his hesitant footsteps searching the house.

"Essie, I'm sorry... I didn't mean what I said..."

All the way to his room where he couldn't find her.

"Essie, I'm sorry..."

To the bathroom where she showed no sign of life.

"Essie, don't do this to me..."

And finally into the kitchen, where she was hiding, just to the back right, in the pantry.

"Essie, no..."

"Is something wrong?" A woman's voice asked. Zahra.

"I can't find her..." Nathaniel stammered, his voice breaking, sobs returning to assault his throat. "She's gone, I've hurt her..."

"We'll find her." Grimmer's voice assured, though Esther was pretty sure she heard it tremble. "She couldn't have gone far, could she?"

"Bruno said he saw her go in..." Zahra replied, seeming to think. "He didn't say anything about her going out..."

"We've got to find her... Please, we've got to find her..." Nathaniel begged, beginning to sound more and more like a child. "I didn't mean any of it, I..."

"It's all right, Nathaniel. Of course you didn't mean it. We know that." Grimmer, as usual, was trying to comfort everyone.

Esther pressed her hands to her mouth all the harder.

"I'm going to ask Bruno to stay in case she comes back..." Zahra announced as she shouted down the corridor to a man.

Spanish, Esther thought, but she couldn't concentrate on what was being said, feeling sleep knock her back again. When she woke, she was on the sofa, and she sat up abruptly, before her head sent painful messages for her to sit down again, which she did, holding onto the leather of her seat.

"Hi."

Esther turned her head sharply towards the voice she didn't recognise, only to come upon a man about her age, handing her ibuprofen and a glass of water.

"I'm Zahra's older brother, don't panic." He continued, watching patiently as she swallowed the pill, before sitting down himself, holding out his hand. "Bruno."

"Esther..." Replied the woman, shaking his hand and pausing for a moment.

She recognised the hand she was holding. It was rougher, bigger, of course, stronger, too. She looked up at the man.

His big brown eyes, and his dark curly hair slicked back, and that smile that seemed mischievous even when it was sincere, and the golden hue of his skin, and that smell...

Cedarwood. She recognised very strong tones of cedarwood, a smell she'd always liked, without ever knowing why, but when she saw him...

"Brunito?"

Bruno smiled. "In the flesh. How you doing, Estrella?"