Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"And then Zahra told me that I didn't stand a chance. And I know that. Deep down, I've always known that I didn't. She and I couldn't have worked out, in any way. But there's no harm in hoping, is there?" Bruno turned his eyes to Pablo, who was staring blankly at the ceiling as the two brothers lay side by side. "I went out for a walk. To clear my head, you know how it is. But everything reminds me of her, it's horrible."

Bruno paused, considering his older brother's profile.

"If you could talk, I know you'd probably tell me I'm stupid. That I need to move on and that I'm immature for insisting like this, when it's clear that she doesn't love me back. At least not in that way." Bruno took a deep breath, not letting go of his brother's hand. "But I'd tell you that I can't help it. That it's not really something I can control. That it hurts, but that I still don't want to give it up. And then I'd tell you that I just want to keep seeing her. Even if she doesn't love me back, I just want to..."

Bruno didn't see him, his gaze once again directed at the ceiling, but his brother slowly turned his eyes towards him.

"Because that's what love is, isn't it?" Bruno murmured, a slight smile on his lips. "If she's happy, then so am I." Bruno's smile faded slightly. "But I don't think I'll ever be able to get out of her life..."

Silence.

"Well. Come on, time for bed." Bruno sighed as he straightened up and climbed off his brother's bed. He adjusted his brother's covers and tucked him in for a moment, placing a kiss on his forehead. "Sleep tight. I'll wake you as usual in the morning."

And with that, Bruno left his older brother's room, glancing into his sister's to make sure she was comfortable too. In fact, Zahra was sleeping soundly, stretched out with her limbs spread out like a starfish. He smiled a little and pulled the door close so that as little light as possible could enter.

Then he went to the window, lit a cigarette and held it between his lips, his gaze turning almost naturally towards Esther's balcony. It was late, so he was surprised to see her leaning against the railing, holding a cigarette between her fingers as well. Even from here, he could see the worried crease in her forehead as she thought. About what, he wasn't sure, but he knew it must be important.

Esther had seemed elsewhere when Zahra had called her in for lunch, having insisted that the forensic scientist not be left alone when she got home from work, assuring her that she needed ‘rest’ after interacting with dead people all day. And Esther didn't seem to want to resist. She had drunk at least four cups of coffee, and her still injured right leg was shaking impatiently as she stared into space. Out of consideration for those around her, she hadn't gone for a smoke - she'd said she was disappointed in herself for smoking at Reichwein's while a child was present - but she was itching for the sweet release of nicotine, and Bruno could see it.

She chewed her tongue, scratched her fingers and seemed on another planet when spoken to. She blinked a lot and held her stomach.

Bruno knew he behaved like that when he hadn't smoked for hours.

He coughed loudly when he inhaled too much of the acrid smoke, which attracted Esther's attention, who waved at him. He waved back, a little embarrassed, then simply watched her profile as she stared absently at the benches below, exhaling smoke through her nose. The smoke framed her face in the spectral light of the distant streetlamps, giving her an almost ghostly appearance.

And yet Bruno felt his heart pounding against his chest. How beautiful she was.

"You don't... have to come..." Esther repeated for at least the eighth time as she got into her car.

Grimmer took a seat next to her and shrugged, before grabbing Esther's wrist as she reached into the glove compartment, no doubt to pull out a cigarette. He pushed her hand back to the steering wheel, then crossed his arms.

"I'm not going to let you go there by yourself..." Grimmer replied simply as Esther switched on the ignition.

"But there's my mother." Esther insisted, turning towards him. "She might say some things that are..."

"Embarrassing?" Grimmer guessed, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I don't care about that. She can tell all the anecdotes she wants, it's still better than..." Esther took a deep breath. Five hours since her last cigarette.

She couldn't understand why she felt so bad. For several years now, she had managed to stop smoking and not feel the consequences. Was it because she had started again that the withdrawal was so violent?

"My mother has this annoying habit of saying things that are... mean." Esther finished as she sank back against her seat, feeling Grimmer's hand take its rightful place on her knee, then move up to her thigh. "And I don't think Nathaniel sees it but... Anyway. You don't... have to come... Are you sure you want to?"

"You think I'm going to let you go now that you've just told me that?" Grimmer wondered.

"I suppose not." Esther sighed, despite the slight smile that took place on her face.

"Besides, I'm going to meet your mother." Grimmer gently squeezed her thigh. "Isn't that just... great?"

Esther almost choked on her saliva, then let out a nervous laugh, trying to tone down the amount of scenarios that spontaneously appeared in her mind, each one more terrifying that the last. "What... What do you mean?"

Grimmer looked at her for a moment, a knowing smile on his face, then let out a laugh of his own. "Nothing... No, nothing at all."

The journey to Nathaniel's house was relatively quiet. Grimmer didn't want to interrupt Esther's reflection, which was, from what he could see, intense. She was frowning, her eyes glued to the road, her fingers clenched around the steering wheel, and he grabbed her wrist every time she reached for the glove compartment. He didn't want her to smoke any more than was strictly necessary, which was technically no smoking at all. He knew that it hurt her, and that it would only annoy her more, but Tenma had told him about enough cases of lung cancer which, although they could be caused by other factors, were more common in smokers.

Esther was becoming increasingly tense, so she had rolled down the window on her side and was taking a deep breath of fresh air to try and soothe her frayed nerves. She had the feeling that her hands and feet were tingling in a very unpleasant way. At least Grimmer's warm palm on her thigh was a little reassuring. She felt less vulnerable to the growing sickness that was shaking her.

She parked at the foot of the building and ran a hand through her hair.

"Well, now that we're here, we might as well..." She encouraged herself, albeit unconvinced.

"You can do it." Grimmer added with a slight smile. "It'll be tough, at first, but if anything happens, count on me to try and temper the situation, okay?"

"Thanks." Esther sighed gratefully.

"Anything for you, Esther." Grimmer assured her, pressing a loving, lingering kiss on her knuckles. "Let's go, now, shall we?"

Esther nodded, looking determined.

"Essie!"

Esther didn't have time to see the body that slammed into her like a cannonball, even having to take a few steps backwards from the force, and Grimmer had to hold her by her shoulders. She looked down to see Nathaniel's hair, his blond curls tickling her nose as he looked up at her.

She frowned slightly as she noticed that he was considerably paler, that his eyes were hollow and rimmed with black, and that his cheeks were beginning to be considerably sunken. She had heard from many of her work colleagues that post-partum was dreadful for their wives, but she had never yet seen it affect a man.

She felt a little proud at the thought that her brother was making the effort to help his wife, even if it meant enduring the horror of a newborn and the complications that followed.

"Are you all right? You look all pale in the face..." Nathaniel worried, drawing a laugh from his sister.

"Rich coming from you. Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"Touché." Nathaniel grimaced, before looking up at Grimmer. "Hi."

Grimmer gave him a sympathetic smile, and the two shook hands. Esther came in, kicking off her shoes, in search of Hilda. She found her in her room, guided by her nephew's cries, and knocked on the door.

"Yes, yes, just a second, please!"

Esther waited then, her lips pressed into a thin line, her eyes looking around for Denise's silhouette, which she did not see anywhere. She didn't hear her walking upstairs either, so perhaps she was out?

No, she wasn't. As Hilda opened the door, adjusting her clothes - she must have undressed so that she could feed Markus - she heard the upstairs toilet flush, then her mother's footsteps sliding across the floor. The thin material of the stockings her mother always wore rubbed against the floor, and Esther couldn't help but tense up as the sound, which she had heard hundreds of times before when she was young and terrified her to the point of paralysis, came closer.

She came to her senses when she saw Hilda's gentle smile. She tried to smile back.

"Hello, Esther! How are you?" Hilda asked as she gave her a bise, a French tradition that Esther had lost the habit of doing when she met people.

Esther nodded gently. "Quite well, yes. What about you?"

"Well, what can I say, Markus is growing up all right." Hilda replied, looking down tenderly at her son, who was chirping in her arms.

"That... wasn't the question." Grimmer interjected, seeming to transcribe Esther's thoughts.

"Oh, hello, Grimmer! I didn't know you were coming. Not that it's bad, I'm glad to see you both, and that you're well." Hilda made her way into the sitting room cradling her son, who was taken from her arms by Nathaniel so that she could sit for a moment. "I'm a little tired, I confess. I decided not to sleep at night, because the little one eats every three hours or so anyway..."

"It must be complicated, to be deprived of sleep, yes..." Esther considered. "Would you like me to get you a glass of water?"She asked, pointing towards the kitchen.

"Oh, no, no, you're lovely. Come and sit down!"

Esther hesitated for a moment, but Grimmer gently pushed her towards the sofa, looking down at her cane, and Esther didn't resist, sitting down on it as Grimmer followed Nathaniel into the kitchen, surely to help him as Esther was about to do with Hilda.

"How have you been getting on lately?" Esther enquired, resting her hands on her knees.

Denise's footsteps came down the stairs.

"Markus hasn't been sleeping through the night. He has colic, and that makes me unhappy, because I'm unable to help him." Hilda confessed, looking down with a sad look in her eyes. "Sometimes he cries for hours on end, and there's really nothing you can do about it..."

Esther remained silent. She was well aware that the word ‘colic’ evoked an intestinal origin, but in reality, it was more complicated than that. Sometimes it was the crying itself that caused the discomfort. Sometimes we thought we were seeing colic where the child was suffering from something else. Sometimes you just didn't know.

She doubted that Nathaniel and Hilda had not gone to see a doctor as soon as the baby's crying had become a little excessive. They were both like that. They were a little too careful, but perhaps that was the right thing to do when you had a child. Especially at a young age.

"We try to make him break wind, if you will, as much as possible, but it's never really enough." Hilda continued with a sigh, grabbing a cushion to support her back. "Besides, it's complicated to have a social life now. We haven't seen each other for so long!"

"No, that's my fault, I should have come." Esther reassured, shaking her head. "It's normal that you're unable to do as many things as before. A child is nothing not to be taken seriously, after all."

"Nothing can prepare us for it, I think." Hilda grumbled. "Nobody really tells us what it's like, pregnancy and all that. If you ever want children, don't hesitate to tell me, I'll give you a full debriefing! It's amazing the extent to which they... hide things from us, I mean... When you think of pregnancy, you always think of the mother who's so happy to have her child, running through fields of flowers, looking clean and happy, and radiant... But that's not the case."

"It isn't?" Esther interrupted, confused.

"Now, of course, I was very happy to have a child, that's not the problem. But I must admit that sometimes I had very violent mood swings... When Nathaniel breathed a little too hard for my liking, I could go into a rage fit!" Hilda laughed. "At the end of the day, I'm absolutely delighted that Markus is here, but during the birth, I screamed many times that I wouldn't have another one!"

"Did it hurt?" Esther grimaced, shuddering at the thought of the pain having an enlarged vagina through which a living being about the size of watermelon had to squeeze out might cause. After all, childbirth was said to be one of the worst pains in the world. And she herself suffered severely during her periods...

"You're damn right it hurts." Hilda exclaimed, crossing her arms. "I felt as if someone was pulling all my organs down with the intention of ripping them out!"

Esther wrinkled her nose. "Oh that's... charming."

Hilda looked at Esther, then gave a small laugh, taking her hands. "Oh no, but... It's different for every woman. If anything, it will work out very well for you."

"I'm a bit old to be having children, though, aren't I?" Esther raised an eyebrow, aware of the risks of malformations and neurodevelopmental disorders in the newborn children that increased with age.

Before Hilda could reply, however, it was Denise's sour voice that thundered from the bottom of the stairs.

"Of course you're too old. From a certain age, the vagina dries out and nothing can grow in it any more." Replied the old woman as she took a seat on the sofa.

"Denise, come on, please..." Hilda reprimanded gently.

"It's not in the vagina that a child grows." Esther added dryly, squinting. "But hello, Denise, it's always a pleasure to see you again."

"I'm surprised you're here." Denise said simply, considering her daughter. "Last time, you and Nathaniel had quite a fight, didn't you?"

"We had plenty of time to talk about it and make things work." Esther replied, trying to be as polite as possible. After all, this was her mother...

"Interesting." Denise's voice, on the other hand, showed no interest whatsoever in the potential conversation between her children.

Nathaniel, thank God, entered the room at that moment, followed by Grimmer who was carrying a tray which he placed on the table. Nathaniel cradled his son while Grimmer handed Esther a cup of coffee, which she accepted with a small smile.

Denise, for her part, looked at her daughter and this man she didn't know, squinting her eyes. Still, he stood consistently close to her, and her daughter, unsympathetic as she was, showed no sign of opposition, even those very subtle ones that only Denise could detect. After all, this woman had come out of her, so she knew her best, didn't she?

So why didn't she know this man who was happily conversing with his son and daughter-in-law, while also sitting next to his eldest child?

"Have you all been lying to me?" Denise took offence, drawing all eyes towards her. "I thought you weren't married." She snapped at her daughter, who swallowed the hot liquid hard enough to almost choke on it.

"She's not." Nathaniel replied, raising an eyebrow. "Unless I've missed something?" Nathaniel turned his eyes to Grimmer, who shook his head.

"No, we... We're not married. Or engaged, for that matter." Replied the latter, looking at Denise.

"Ah." Denise sighed, relieved. "I thought my only daughter wouldn't have told me about the most important moment in her life..."

Esther held back a grimace. The most important moment of her life... Perhaps she couldn't choose just one. The day she left home, or the moment it was announced that she had passed her first year of medicine, or the night René was killed, or the day Nathaniel moved in with her... The day Nathaniel told her he wanted to marry Hilda, or when she finally finished her studies, or when she came to Germany for the first time, or the case of murders that had landed her in trouble, or her realisation that Alice was not a good person...

Maybe it was remembering the green-roofed house?

Maybe it was the day she met Zahra.

She leaned towards the time when she had met Tenma, Grimmer and Lunge. That was when she stopped isolating herself, perhaps for the first time. She wondered how the old, grumpy ex-inspector was doing. She'd probably send him a letter.

"You've come here to ask for my blessing then?" Denise asked, looking at Grimmer disdainfully.

Esther choked a second time on the coffee.

Grimmer made sure she was all right before returning his gaze to the old woman. "Er, no, I admit... I mean, your daughter is quite exceptional, but it's a bit early for us to..."

"A bit early?" Denise repeated, looking scandalised. "Good heavens, she's nearly forty! I even wonder if it's not a bit too late!"

"A bit too late to be getting married? It's never too late." Grimmer replied calmly. "It's perfectly normal to meet people throughout your life, and it's also perfectly normal to want to take your time when it comes to making a decision as important as marriage."

"But what about the children? My grandchildren..." Denise exclaimed, causing Hilda to shrivel up on the sofa.

Nathaniel rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's nice for us, thanks, Mum."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it, Nathaniel." Denise retorted, squinting her eyes. "I just wish my one and only daughter would have a child before I die!"

"Yes, well, you're not going to force them, are you? Don't you want to put it in her, while you're at it?" Nathaniel raged, losing his patience, while Denise let out a scream.

"Nathaniel, watch what you say! Having a child out of wedlock is..."

Esther massaged her temples and began to chew her tongue. On the other hand, she was surrounded by too many people who were opposed to the idea of smoking, which was beginning to get under her skin. Grimmer was making sure she reduced her nicotine intake, Nathaniel was firmly opposed to her smoking, her mother would cry scandal, and Markus had only been born two months ago...

Then her leg began to tremble. She looked outside and cut herself off from the conversation, and the unpleasant tingling in her hands and feet only became more intense. She took another cup of coffee, the only thing that could give her the same satisfaction as a cigarette, albeit at a lower intensity, trying to drown in the burning liquid the feeling of dryness that was building in her throat, as well as the argument that was dying out between her brother and her mother.

"So I would ask you to mind your own business and let people live a little." Nathaniel concluded with a sigh, heading for the bedroom as Markus had started crying again.

Hilda rose from the sofa, giving the guests an apologetic smile, before following her husband to feed the child, or relieve him of his pain.

Grimmer took Esther's hand, squeezing it gently in his own, while Denise watched them without flinching.

"How old are you?" Denise asked, squinting.

"Forty-five, Madam." Grimmer replied politely, looking at her interlocutor.

"Six years difference, then. That's not so bad." Denise conceded as she adjusted herself on the sofa. Esther seemed a bit surprised that her mother remembered her age. "And you've known each other a long time?"

Grimmer looked down at Esther, not wanting to cut her off if she wanted to speak, but when he saw that she had no intention of answering, he gladly did.

"Not really, we met this year. It was Nathaniel who introduced us."

The context wasn't exactly romantic, that was for sure. Grimmer had been called in to solve a case that involved the deaths of numerous prostitutes in the neighbourhood, and Esther was the number one suspect. Thinking back, he couldn't place clearly the moment when he had started to feel these... things for her.He had read somewhere that this was the first proof of attachment to someone. When you couldn't place why, or how, or when, but those feelings were there, present. Incrusted in him, beyond his control.

Denise looked at him for a moment. Her strict, solemn gaze almost gave him goose bumps. She had beautiful light eyes with grey rims, piercing and judgemental, nothing like Esther's gentle gaze. She gave him the impression that she knew what he was. It made him dizzy.

"You know, I've had pretty bad experiences with... men." Denise admitted reluctantly. "And, desperate as I am to see my daughter finally under the care of a man..."

He held back from being rude. 'Under the care of a man', really? Esther was the last person over whom he could, should, and would want to exercise any form of control. Yes, it was true she was annoying sometimes, when she left without telling anyone, but there was an undeniable beauty in that free spirit that nothing could cage. He would never try to restrain her, even if he could. He'd just make sure nothing hurt her as she did as she wished.

"I have to have standards for her." Denise continued, resting her hands in her lap.

Ah, he could see Esther in the almost regal posture the old woman assumed. Those discreet but effective manners, that haughty air much more pronounced in the mother... Yes, she must have taken a large part in the coroner's upbringing.

"I understand." Grimmer replied, even though he had no idea what she was talking about.

"Do you have a job?" Denise asked.

Ah, that kind of criteria.

"Yes, I do." Grimmer replied, convinced that she probably wouldn't like his job if he told her. It wasn't the most stable, after all.

"And you earn enough to..."

"Money's no object, Denise, I make a very good living myself..." Esther interjected with a sigh, and Grimmer interlaced their fingers, trying to rid himself of the tension he could feel in his hand.

"It's true that you've kept a lot of money aside all those years..." Denise conceded. "Well, all right. What about your past relationships, then?"

Grimmer glanced at Esther, who said nothing, and squeezed her hand in reassurance, so he took a deep breath. "I'm divorced."

"Divorced?" Denise choked, looking up at him. "Good Lord, no! Do you have a child?"

"Yes... Well, no..."

"Oh, sweet Jesus! An absent, unworthy father!" Denise hid her face. "Alas, poor child, poor dear!"

Grimmer almost smiled at this. Like her daughter, Denise didn't let the others explain and remained firmly in her position.

"My son is dead, Madam."

Denise suddenly looked up at him, pale, "Oh... Oh, I'm so sorry... I'm so terribly sorry... Oh, may he rest in peace, this angel... God bless you..."

Nathaniel left the room, gesturing for his sister to follow. She looked at Grimmer for a moment, who reassured her with a smile and handed her his cane, then joined her brother in the kitchen.

"My daughter... I don't know how to talk to her any more." Denise finally sighed as her two children disappeared into the other room. "I think we've spent far too many years apart."

"Or maybe the years you spent together were painful for her." Grimmer rejoined, returning his eyes to the old woman facing him.

"Is that what she told you?" Denise blushed of shame.

"Well, sort of. She doesn't really have any warm, pleasant memories of her life with you and René... May he rest in peace." He added out of respect for the man he had never known. René was not a good person, but he didn't deserve for people to be rejoiced by his death.

Denise remained silent, and Grimmer didn't know what to say anymore. Yet he had rehearsed several times in his mind how this confrontation should go. He had so many things to say, so many reasons to lose his temper, and yet he could say nothing, because he saw something he never thought he would see in the eyes of the cruel mother Esther had described to him from her memories.

Regret.

He took a deep breath.

"Perhaps you should apologise. To both of them, not just your daughter." Grimmer offered. "That would be a good start."

"You think that would fix everything?"

"No, far from it, but it would put you on the right track." Grimmer clarified, shaking his head. "What you need is to show that you're prepared to make concessions and listen to them. You don't have the right to demand that they forgive you for doing nothing during those hellish years, or even for actively participating in them." He explained as the old woman began to tremble. He took her hand gently, filled with compassion. "On the other hand, you could show them that you sincerely regret what happened, and I can see that you do. You'll just have to wait. They'll come back to you, if they want to."

"And if they don't come back?" Denise worried, her eyes filling with tears.

"There's nothing we can do about that. Sometimes excuses aren't enough. But you're here, with them, in your son's house, that's a good start, isn't it?" Grimmer point out, tilting his head.

"Surely..." Denise closed her eyes for a moment before raising them to his. "I still have my reservations about you, I won't hide it from you. But I'm glad it was you and not someone else who caught my daughter's eye." Denise confessed with a small smile.

"Because I'm on your side?" Grimmer joked, drawing a small laugh from Denise.

"No, because you're right. You seem to be grounded in reality, and Esther desperately needs someone who can bring her back to Earth when she gets lost in her thoughts." Denise sighed, "You two... look good together."

"Thank you..." Grimmer sighed. The words did him far more good than he had hoped. Perhaps it was because that was Esther's mother who uttered them. It was like she was approving of them. Maybe he did look for her blessing, in a sense. "To tell you the truth... I'm glad I caught your daughter's eye too. She's a person... so complex, but surprisingly, that's something I like. Maybe... what I like the most... Maybe not. It's the kind of complexity that seems accessible from a distance, so you think you can do it, but when you get closer, you realise that it's actually a real labyrinth. You feel like giving up at first, but when you get far enough in... you realise that it's worth it. That there's so much to see and discover here... You just have to stay, in the end."

Denise remained silent, watching him express himself with more life than she could see in his eyes.

"So yes, I'm glad, I think, to be able to share these moments with her. She has another perspective on life that I'd like to understand. She sees things through eyes that are different from mine, and I wish I could imagine what it's like, to be in her shoes, to see as she does, to feel as intensely as she does." Grimmer continued, ranting with a passion that surprised even himself. But he couldn't stop. "Oh, her facial expressions, Madam... How beautiful they are. How exact, and pure, and raw, and it seems that each time she manifests them in a different way, and I can only wonder... What more is there to discover? What else is she hiding from me?"

Denise allowed herself a smile when he became silent, obviously thinking about the question. "You're very fond of her."

"Yes." Grimmer replied, without a shadow of doubt on his face. "I love her."

Chapter Text

Grimmer was tense and silent on the way home. Esther was looking at the road, now much more at ease thanks to the conversation she had had with her brother - Grimmer could have understood that they had mainly talked about their mother, and had both agreed to remain civil with her since they didn't have the strength to get her out of their lives, and he could understand that, for it was clear they both had strong family values - and was humming a tune he didn't recognise as she drove.

He couldn't take his eyes off her. He felt like he was seeing her in a completely different light ever since he had talked with Denise.

Why on earth had he said that? To her mother, for crying out loud, without even telling her first?

He thought that, caught up in the euphoria of the moment, he had finally said everything he felt. If he were to be honest, Grimmer would admit that he had never really thought about the essence of his feelings and what they represented. He had always told himself that if he knew these feelings were there, then they were a given, and he didn't necessarily need to ask himself any more questions about what they meant or could imply.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Now he looked at Esther's relaxed profile, whom, he was sure, knew he was watching her, but remained focused on the road. He squeezed Esther's thigh with his hand, watching her silently, feeling the muscle twitch slightly in response to the unexpected and sudden pressure. But Esther said nothing. Surely she didn't want to embarrass him.

When she opened her mouth - Grimmer's eyes immediately focused on her parted lips, absolutely spellbound - she broached a completely different subject, however.

"Are you staying for dinner tonight?" She asked, giving him a brief glance.

Grimmer took a moment to consider the question. Of course he wanted to say yes. He always wanted to say yes to whatever she would propose. Never refuse her anything. Every moment spent with her made him so much happier, and he loved talking to her more than anything. Surely he should tell her about the conversation he'd had with her mother - especially the part where he'd confessed his feelings, because the part where he'd advised the old woman to apologise had to remain a secret; that was for Denise to deal with.

But another part of him, a more rational part perhaps, was telling him that he needed to stay away from her and her overwhelming presence for a while, if only to make a personal assessment of what he had just discovered about himself. He felt disturbed by the strength of the heat in his chest, and his hand tingled with every centimetre of skin on the loose fabric of Esther's trousers, as if the simple contact sent out weak electrical charges that threatened, in time, to paralyse his arm completely.

Besides, she wouldn't get upset, would she? Esther was basically the understanding type. If he told her he had work to do, she probably wouldn't ask any more questions. Or she'd let herself get caught up in a tornado of dark thoughts, sniffing out the lie. She was good at that, too. Getting caught up in complicated reasoning, sometimes even absurd in the contexts in which it was formed. And the last thing he wanted was for Esther to worry that he was hiding something from her or that he didn't trust her. They had made so much progress...

"That depends... Do... you want me to stay? Do you really, actually, genuinely want me to..." He tried to make up his mind. He knew she wouldn't say no, at least not explicitly, and maybe that would give him an excuse. If it came from her, he would feel less guilty about being selfish and wanting to monopolise all her time.

Esther's lips stretched in a smile that made Grimmer's throat clench violently, turn dry, and he had to swallow his saliva, stagnant under his tongue. "Of course I want you to stay." Esther replied, giving him another look. "I've made hachis parmentier, if that's any reason that would get you to stay.

"Hachis... Oh, shepherd's pie." Grimmer repeated, forming a mental image of the dish, which was quickly erased as he was lost in Esther's gaze, even though she wasn't turned in his direction. "Yes, it's... It's fine by me." He stammered.

Esther continued to hum as she handed Grimmer a beer she was holding - he didn't even think to ask her why she was in possession of alcohol, she who was absolutely against any form of the said substance, obsessed by her apparent good humour - then she headed for the kitchen to put the shepherd's pie back in the oven to keep it warm. Grimmer left the beer on the coffee table and followed her.

Staying away from her seemed unimaginable.

He followed her as she made little rounds in the kitchen, asking if he would perhaps prefer a coffee, and Grimmer shook his head. He followed her as she took strawberries out of the fridge, moving to wash them at the sink, and then she looked up at him.

"Everything OK? Do you need anything?" She asked, apparently worried.

Then he blinked a few times. "Yes... Er, no, not particularly. I need to talk to you, actually."

"Ah?" Esther seemed to become all the more worried, and he shook his head sharply.

"No, no, it's nothing... bad. I just want to talk to you." Grimmer admitted.

Esther let out a sigh of relief. "Yes, I understand. I'll finish washing these and then I'm all yours, okay?"

I'm all yours. Those words shouldn't affect her that much. Especially since he knew that it was nothing more than just a phrase, that was more often than not used in French, so he had to keep himself together, and not see... innuendo where there were none.

Grimmer watched her as she drained the strawberries, placing them in a bowl, taking out a chopping board and knife, then wiped her hands on a towel. Finally, she turned to him.

"I'm all ears." She smiled.

Grimmer took a deep breath, a gulp of fresh air to try and relieve the heat in his chest. It wasn't just heat any more, at this point. It was a devastating fire that wouldn't leave him alone. He approached her, and she looked at him with big, curious, observant eyes, trying to scrutinise him to understand what he was about to do.

"I..." Grimmer hesitated for a moment. He had to pull himself together. But he couldn't stop himself from taking another step forward, and he was relieved to see that she didn't try to pull away from him. She didn't try to back away and hide from him. "Can I kiss you first?"

Esther was surprised for a moment. He could tell by the way she raised her eyebrows. Fortunately, her eyes lit up with a mischievous look that made him want to pinch her cheeks from how adorable she was - before he reminded herself that she'd probably not like that, having insisted on not being called cute -, and she grinned slightly. "Yes. Of course you can."

Grimmer looked relieved, then moved closer to her, leaning forward slightly towards her, taking her face in his hands. Esther closed the rest of the distance, and he was surprised at first before relenting. She must have stolen some of the red fruit while he was lost in thought. Her tongue had that sweet taste that made him lose his mind.

He placed a hand in the small of Esther's back, to bring her closer, and Esther had to prop herself up on the counter behind her, to support the curve imposed on her back. Esther lifted her free hand to place it on Grimmer's chest as she responded to his kiss, moving it back and forth between his chest and shoulder, down to the nape of his neck, and he shivered all over.

Grimmer let out a sound, barely audible, against Esther's lips when he felt her respond more eagerly to the kiss, nibbling his tongue, enough for him to feel, but certainly not enough to hurt, and he knew that the sound, which had been made without his own accord, had pleased the woman who tightened her fingers around his neck. He leaned all the more towards her, leaning on the counter behind her too, more insistent in his actions, his hand closed around the fabric of Esther's shirt.

Closer, he wanted her closer.

Grimmer pulled away from her for a moment, having noticed that she was no longer breathing fluidly, and Esther inhaled sharply, clutching at him as he slowly pushed her back to the counter to lean against. He tilted his head as she tried to calm her breathing, her face flushed, her lips parted, glistening with saliva, swollen and red from the force of their kiss. Her eyes barely open, her gaze dark, her eyelashes caressing her cheekbones, a few raven-black locks sticking to her cheeks. He brushed them away with a smooth gesture, his fingers lingering on her soft skin.

"Is that alright with you...?" Grimmer assured himself with a worried expression, although he knew the concern he exhibited was completely false. His eyes were focused on Esther's face, which he swept with his gaze to keep the mental image of it.

Esther, now free of the burden of keeping her own balance, allowed her previously occupied hand to join the other on the back of Grimmer's neck. "Yes, yes, everything's fine... I just need a little moment to..."

Grimmer smiled, pressing a kiss to the corner of the coroner's lips, then to her cheek. "Excuse me, I... couldn't contain my own enthusiasm, this time."

"Oh, no, it's... It's really fine, don't worry, it's just that it's been a long time since..." Esther took another deep breath. "I'll be okay."

Grimmer raised an eyebrow, about to ask her what she meant, but he had no time, suddenly pulled forward as Esther stood on tiptoe to kiss him again. He didn't stop himself from holding her closer still, allowing himself the right to suckle on her tongue, and lower lip, then move his kisses down to her chin. Esther ran one of her hands through Grimmer's hair, inviting him to continue, which he gladly did.

With one hand, the man gathered Esther's hair to bare her neck. He saw, on the tender, reddened skin just below her ear, another mole, smaller than the one on her collarbone. He couldn't resist the urge that seized him by the throat, and hurried to kiss the imperfection as if to make its acquaintance with his lips, using his other hand to help the woman up onto the counter. He felt Esther's chest against his, rising at a bewildering rate as she tried to keep control of herself.

He wanted her to let go. To free herself of those pesky inhibitions.

Grimmer lowered his kisses along the curve of her neck, inhaling deeply as soon as he placed his lips on it to familiarise himself with the smell that was gradually beginning to obsess him. Esther was losing her footing, clinging to him like a lifeline, wrapping her legs around Grimmer's hips. Grimmer immediately squeezed one of the thighs around him with one hand, never leaving Esther's neck for a millimetre as he went lower and lower, and only stopped when he reached the collar of Esther's blouse. He looked up at her and she smiled at him, releasing him momentarily to direct the hand that was on her thigh to her chest, and Grimmer, encouraged by the furious pace of her heart thumping against his open palm, wasted no time in undoing the first two buttons of the garment, setting off again immediately to explore her skin.

He lingered on her clavicles, especially the mole that had haunted his thoughts since the first time he saw it. He kissed them with ardour and intent, and hoped she understood what he meant by the way he treated her but... He wanted to suckle on them too, but he couldn't bring herself to leave a mark of that flushed expanse that was so perfect in his eyes. Too soon, surely.

Grimmer went down all the more, dragging his lips everywhere he could, leaving no part of Esther's skin untouched. He wanted her to feel it. He wanted her to know, even if he didn't say anything.

And it was just as he was beginning to languorously kiss the goosebumps-riddled skin of Esther's cleavage - his head was spinning from not seeing any bra straps, and he could only imagine, with impatience, what would be waiting for him if he went any lower - that he heard a sound. A tiny one, clearly not assumed, but which fell into his ears like the sweetest of melodies.

A soft, adorable moan.

So he kissed the area again, and this time the sound was muffled. He looked up at her.

"Esther..." He murmured, before straightening to kiss her, her, slowly, patiently, tenderly. Too soon, he kept reminding himself, but he believed it less and less.

She tightened her legs around his hips, keeping him trapped against her as he held her against him. It took Esther a little while before she could speak to him. She seemed embarrassed, probably by the unusual noise she had just made, but she looked up at him.

"Grimmer?" She called in a small voice, and made sure she had his full attention - not that he could concentrate on anything else when she was looking at him like that - before continuing. "I love you."

Grimmer definitely didn't want to let her go, not now and not anytime soon. He would stay with her no matter what, he promised himself. She'd told him those words before he could, and he couldn't help noticing that she was a lot less shy than he'd thought she was. Far be it from him to underestimate Esther, but he had to admit that he had always thought that he had to be the one to push their relationship forward. She'd felt attracted to him for months but hadn't said anything, so he supposed all the pent-up frustration must be pouring out now.

Their progress had been excessively rapid, but he was not unhappy about that. They hadn't gone beyond a few more scandalous kisses however, but Grimmer had taken it in his stride; Esther certainly hadn't quite recovered from Alice and the way the woman imposed her overwhelming appetite. Plus it was too soon. He didn't want them to engage in intimacy in a setting that wasn't appropriate...

Esther had removed her splint and was now able to get around without a cane if only for short distances. She preferred to use it as a precaution, but most of the time she leaned on Grimmer, who offered her his arm when they went out together. He would often get her from her door, tell her she was beautiful, kiss her tenderly and then lead her out.

Nathaniel had bumped into them one day and couldn't help teasing them about how long it had taken them to get together.

Get together... huh.

Were they together? Grimmer wasn't sure. With Katerina, they'd had to officially ask each other out to make it happen. But he had to face the facts: he hadn't kissed Katerina until much later. He hadn't felt this powerful need to always have his hands on her wherever she went.

And maybe it was because he was used to Esther slipping through his fingers into dangerous misadventures from which she often escaped with injuries, but he preferred to tell himself it was because he loved her. Grimmer had found it funny that Esther was technically the first to say those three words that weighed so heavily between them, but that she was so embarrassed every time he was the one to say them. She blushed, hid behind her hair, looked away, but he could see that she was smiling. She liked to be reminded of it, so he reminded her as much as he could. Whatever the occasion, he always took a moment.

"I love you." He said simply as Esther put on her coat, since they were about to go to Nathaniel's. "I love you so much..."

And she turned away from him almost immediately, pretending she wanted to grab her cane, but she'd made the mistake of tying her hair back, and he could see the smile that had split her face.

"I love you too." Esther murmured as she finished fastening her jacket. "Are you coming?"

"There they are! Here come the lovebirds!" Nathaniel cheered, almost clapping. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, thank you." Esther hugged her brother. "You look well too."

"I'm better." Nathaniel replied with a wink. "I feel like Maman's been keeping to herself since Grimmer spoke to her... Did he put a spell on her or something?"

"I can hear you, you know." Grimmer chuckled as he tried to shake Nathaniel's hand, but Nathaniel hugged him instead. "Well. I'm starting to think it's a family thing to be so aggressively affectionate..."

Nathaniel gave him a friendly pat on the arm. "Well too bad for you, you're part of the family now, aren't you? And we've got some great news to tell you both!"

"Hilda's pregnant again?" Esther enquired, turning pale, imagining the horror of carrying a child while having to look after another infant.

"What? No, we're not crazy!" Nathaniel retorted, shaking his head. "Come on, come on, get inside!"

Esther was immediately struck by the table already set, even though it was only three o'clock in the afternoon. Frowning, she didn't resist as Nathaniel pushed her towards the sofa.

"Good afternoon, Esther." Denise's dry, yet softer, voice said for once as her daughter sat down next to her. "Good afternoon, Grimmer."

Esther looked all the more suspicious, narrowing her eyes.

"Hello Denise. Good to see you again." Grimmer greeted, making sure Esther was comfortable before following Nathaniel towards the kitchen.

"You haven't heard the news, I take it." Denise turned once more to her daughter, who was tense, wary, by her mother's politeness.

"What news."

It wasn't a question, once again, but rather an implicit order to tell her what had happened. Decidedly, she had to ask ex-Inspector Lunge how he was doing.

"I often forget that you don't read the paper. And that you don't watch television either, well, that's mainly because of your father but..." Denise sighed, before shaking her head. "Sorry, let's not talk about him."

Esther frowned. "You're not your usual self."

"Let's just say someone has made it clear I haven't been fair to my children." Denise blurted, looking away. "That person was right. I'm making sure I correct my behaviour, now."

Esther let her gaze wander to the kitchen where Grimmer had disappeared. She almost reached Nathaniel's side. Had he put a spell on her or...?

"He's a good man." Denise admitted, her gaze unfocused. "He cares about you and wants what's best for you."

Esther blinked several times. "I know that..." Then she raised an eyebrow. "What are you trying to say?"

Denise sighed loudly through her nose. "That I approve of him, Esther."

"Right, but I never asked of you..."

Esther was interrupted by the arrival of Hilda, who was holding Markus.

"Hello! I didn't notice you were both here yet!" The young woman smiled.

"You said 3 o'clock, so..."

"That's right, I did say that, but I tend to forget how punctual you are... It's good to see you again!" She confessed as she sat down on the other side of Esther. "Do you want to hold him?" She asked her sister-in-law, who nodded gently.

"Sure, why not." Esther shrugged, accepting her nephew into her arms. It took her a little while to get used to having such a small being in her arms again - the last time was years ago, when Nathaniel was a baby - but once she remembered, she held the child gently, looking down at her nephew.

"You've got it, Essie! Look at you being a good aunt!" Nathaniel congratulated as he came out of the kitchen. "You look like you've been doing it all your life!"

"I've been carrying you." Esther remarked, then made a concentrated face, seemingly deep in thought. "Though I'm pretty sure you were a lot heavier."

"No, I wasn't! You rude girl!" Her brother offended theatrically, crossing his arms. "I was growing!"

"Now that's a likely story. A growth spurt right after birth..." Esther teased, looking down at Markus. "He looks a lot like you. I think I have trouble really acknowledging fully that you're his father."

"You have trouble telling yourself I'm an adult full stop." Nathaniel retorted with a roll of his eyes, an amused smile on his face. "I don't blame you, that said, in my mind you'll be twenty for life."

"Call me old while you're at it..." Esther pouted.

"That's not what I said!" Nathaniel exclaimed indignantly, before the two burst into a chorus of laughter, under Denise's almost imperceptibly softened eyes.

As for Grimmer, he had stayed back in the kitchen. He was going to follow Nathaniel back to the living room, of course, but as soon as he had laid eyes on Esther holding her nephew in her arms, he had been overcome by a violent feeling he could not name, and immediately had to step away, back in the kitchen, to catch his breath. His chest had hurt, like he was repeatedly stabbed in it, and instead of Esther and Markus he had seen Katerina and Friedrich. And it had paralysed him, fogged his vision, and made his head spin. He had to cover his face, and close his eyes, begging for the image to go, but it remained. It remained and it hurt.

He was suddenly aware of his situation, of what it meant, of what would happen, eventually. If this relationship with Esther worked... then maybe children would be involved, in the future, and he wasn't sure he could handle that. Of course he understood that maybe that was where all relationships went. If the relationship worked - and he'd make sure it will - then maybe they'd get married and well.

Although he had to admit that, although the thought terrified him on the one hand, he wasn't fundamentally against the idea.

Esther would be a very good mother, no doubt.

Chapter Text

Esther had woken up in a relatively good mood that morning, so perhaps it was for the best that she hadn't been able to stay. Nathaniel had told them about some news he had to deliver, but Esther had to leave in a hurry, called by the hospital for an autopsy that couldn't wait. Nathaniel had of course protested, demanding that his sister stay - after all, she was the one who was most affected by the news - but he had fallen silent as soon as she had placed a small kiss on his forehead. He then frowned on the sofa, crossing his arms and letting her go.

Nathaniel then broke the news to Grimmer, who listened with wide, surprised eyes. The previous day's newspaper, which Hilda had kept as soon as she had made the connection, announced the death of the woman Esther had spent months chasing. The police then said, proud of their achievement, that they had spent weeks tracking down the woman and had finally managed to catch her in Ruhenheim - the mere mention of the name sent shivers down Grimmer's spine - where she had taken her own life. Barbiturate poisoning, it seemed, if the autopsy was to be believed.

Nathaniel made no secret of the fact that he found it odd that Esther had not been informed immediately of the woman's death. In this case, he could understand why she hadn't been called in to do the autopsy herself - not only was Ruhenheim not next door, but above all, she was forbidden to perform autopsies on people she knew - but he couldn't understand why she hadn't been informed. She was the one most intimately involved in the Alice case, having been blamed for the murders the woman had committed, then Nathaniel had been abducted by her, and with all the information gathered recently - mainly the whole story around the green-roofed house which he had only recently been informed about - he had no idea why Esther had been kept in the dark.

Grimmer shared this sentiment. The article seemed far too vague, more like a few hastily-written words that didn't even make it onto a page despite the total number of victims, published mainly to reassure the families of the prostitutes and poor neighbours who hadn't asked for anything killed several months earlier. In conclusion, if Grimmer could still trust his journalist's eye, which hadn't practised for almost a year - he really needed to get back into it - then he could certainly say that the article was flawed. It was probably untrue, or the sources were far from clear or sufficiently detailed to qualify the article as valid, or even believable.

Furthermore, although he had nothing against the Ruhenheim police department, which was clearly understaffed at the time of the massacre the year prior, Grimmer sincerely believed that they didn't have the necessary material to be able to really classify the case. Especially if they had only identified Alice on the basis of her looks, which had changed drastically since her first public appearance. He then confirmed Nathaniel's suspicions by pointing out that the information had been communicated by the Ruhenheim police department, which surely wanted to show off, needing to replenish its coffers since nobody wanted to live there any more. The rest of the page was a tourist guide, disguised as the trail of Alice's escape.

Despite everything, he couldn't help wanting to believe it. Grimmer wanted to tell himself that everything was finally over and that Esther would get better. That she would no longer have to constantly check up on herself and could give herself the chance to work on herself to heal from the absolutely traumatic events that had driven her in recent years. He hoped she would accept his help, too, since he was ready to support her every step of the way.

"Don't talk to her about it, please..." Nathaniel murmured. "Not until we know for sure that Alice is dead. I don't want to get her hopes up."

Grimmer frowned slightly. "I understand why you'd want that, Nathaniel, but we may never be completely sure, unfortunately. Besides, you were going to tell her, weren't you?"

Nathaniel looked nervous, running a hand through his hair. "That was the plan, yes, but now that you've confirmed that it might not be true..."

"Knowing Esther..." Interjected Hilda in a soft, low voice. "She'd notice almost immediately that something is quite... wrong with the article."

"And she'd rush headlong to Ruhenheim to make sure with her own eyes that Alice is really dead." Nathaniel added with a sigh. "I think I heard that the Düsseldorf police are starting to look into the case to check its veracity. I'm not necessarily saying that Esther will be convinced by the Düsseldorf police, but on the other hand, I can assure you that it will reassure her a lot more. Maybe she'll ask to see the body, though."

"Which she will inevitably be refused, for obvious reasons. And that'll frustrate her, and maybe that'll be even worse." Grimmer argued, crossing his arms. "We can't rely on assumptions to determine Esther's reaction. For example, would you be able to tell me how she would react to the news?"

"What do you mean?" Hilda inquired, not necessarily understanding the question.

"Emotionally." Grimmer added, thinking of an answer himself. "In your opinion, would she be sad? Or happy? Or angry?"

"Wouldn't it make more sense if she was happy?" Hilda attempted with a raised eyebrow, cradling Markus in her arms.

"Yes, but in the light of events, it's not really a question of logic any more." Grimmer argued. "Alice has managed to get reactions from all of us that we had thought impossible before being involved in the case, right?"

"He's not wrong..." Nathaniel conceded as he scratched his cheek, then smoothed out his three-day-old beard, which he'd forgotten to shave again in the morning. "Although I have to admit that for me, the answer is clear. There's only one way Esther could react."

"Is there? How?" Hilda asked, a worried look on her face.

"That..." Nathaniel glanced at Denise, who was standing at the table with a book. He knew she was listening, and he wouldn't give her the satisfaction of an answer that would confirm doubts that had weighed on the old woman for years. "I'm afraid I can't tell you."

"If you forget the brackets, the calculation doesn't mean the same thing at all, Dieter." Esther explained, pointing to the more complex calculation the boy was now practising. "Did they explain the priority rules to you?"

"Er..." Dieter fiddled with his memory. "Powers... Er... Brackets... And then... Multiplication... And then it's left to right... Right?"

"That's right. Good job." Esther reassured her with a little smile. "So, if you don't put the brackets there..."

"Ah! That means I'm doing the multiplication first when I'm not supposed to!" Dieter exclaimed as he hastily added the signs, then retyped the numbers on his calculator, under the sceptical gaze of Esther, who had been forced to learn to calculate by head.

Tenma made sure he spoke in a low voice, so as not to attract the attention of Dieter, who had the annoying habit of spilling little secrets when he managed to overhear them, even if just by accident. Of course, he knew that the boy was sensible, and that he wouldn't willingly tell Esther such serious news, but Dieter was not immune to spilling something compromising by accident.

"Barbiturate overdose, eh..." Tenma muttered thoughtfully. He wasn't very comfortable with the subject that had been breached by Grimmer as soon as the two men were alone. He didn't know how to react to the news either. Obviously, he felt a modicum of resentment since Alice had shot him in the leg back in the green-roofed house. But he couldn't rejoice. It was beyond him. "And... what does Esther think?"

"Nathaniel asked me not to tell her about it." Grimmer confessed with a guilty expression. It was clear that this decision was weighing on his shoulders. "He says he doesn't want to give her false hope. Which I understand, but that doesn't change the fact that she should still be told."

Tenma remained silent for a moment. "Yes, I see your point of view, but I'd side more with Nathaniel. As long as it's not confirmed... The emotional lift might be too brutal if they came to realise it wasn't Alice..."

"Probably, yes..." Grimmer sighed, shaking his head.

Tenma frowned slightly, tilting his head. "Is something wrong, Grimmer?"

"Well I wouldn't say wrong, per se. It makes me feel a bit down, not being able to talk to her about it, especially since it's so... explicitely about her." Grimmer turned his eyes to the wall, beyond which Esther and Dieter were bent over maths homework. "We said we'd trust each other."

"Trusting each other doesn't necessarily mean revealing everything to each other." Tenma remarked patiently, smiling at his friend.

"Maybe not, but in this case, it concerns her much more than me." Grimmer retorted, perhaps a bit more curt than what he would have wanted, before clearing his throat. "Forgive me, it's just..."

"Relax, Grimmer, I understand." Tenma assured, laying a friendly pat on his shoulder. "What do you feel like doing?"

"To talk to her about it, obviously, but you're all right. If Alice isn't really dead... Maybe I should do some research?"

"Behind her back?" Tenma clarified sceptically. "That's not the best idea, is it?"

"No, it's the worst idea I could come up with. But unfortunately I have no other idea in mind. Besides, I can check on her progress and make sure she doesn't suspect anything." Grimmer replied, even though he sounded uncertain. 

Tenma looked at him for a moment without saying anything. "And is that it?"

Grimmer then returned his eyes to the doctor. "What do you mean, is that it?"

"There's nothing else troubling you?" Tenma asked, sensing that he had barely scratched the surface of Grimmer's true feelings. The ones the man was still struggling to assimilate, driven by the teachings of 511 Kinderheim.

"Well, there's..." Grimmer began before hearing Esther greet Dieter. "...nothing else. Absolutely nothing else, I'm fine."

There was nothing else Tenma could do, as it happened. As soon as Esther appeared, Grimmer looked jovial again. What was worse, however, was that he could see from the medical examiner's expression that she didn't believe it for a second.

Grimmer had noticed that Esther was looking at him much more insistently. She hadn't taken her eyes off him recently. As he sat opposite her, she looked at him, almost without blinking. And it wasn't that kind of look he liked, the look that begged him to love her more, and more, and he would gladly do so. No, it was... clinical. Cold.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Grimmer asked, a little uncomfortably.

"Because you're looking at me." Esther replied as if it were obvious. "You look like you want to say something."

Shit. Shit, shit, shit-

"No?" Grimmer tried, his voice quavering, and Esther squinted. "I mean, I do but... I just... can't talk about it."

Esther looked all the more suspicious, so he took her hand. "Is it about your work?" She asked, trying to keep the frustration hidden in her voice, though Grimmer noticed it immediately.

"Sort of..."

Esther sniffed out the lie, and he could see it in the way her whole body tensed, and she leaned back against the back of her chair, creating distance between the both of them. The warmth in his chest had turned to pain and, by reflex, he pulled her towards him but, probably for the first time, he felt resistance. She wouldn't let him pull her closer.

Grimmer had no doubt that Esther was strong, but perhaps he had underestimated her strength and taken for granted the way she let herself be drawn to him. The way she didn't struggle when he held her, when he took her by the waist, or the hips, when he spun her around, making her do that laugh that sounded like a bunch of bells being shaken.

He had to give her something to eat - metaphorically, of course, though he could also give her food; he wasn't so sure it would work, however - before she shut herself up for good. He knew that Esther understood the principle of having their own secrets. The proof was that she never really asked him about his past, leaving him to talk about it on his own. No, the problem was, and he was fully aware of this, that she suspected he didn't want to talk to her about it because it concerned her.

She would also notice if he just gave her an excuse, or invented an absolutely false problem. So he thought he'd tell her about the other thing that was taking up most of his mind, in this case the sight of her with Markus in her arms, which had triggered a reaction far less pleasant than he'd hoped.

"Ever since we went to Hilda's..." Grimmer began, and he felt Esther's attention turn back to him. "Actually, it was mostly when I saw you carrying Markus."

He waited for a reaction from her, which didn't come, so he ran a hand over his face. To regain his composure, on the one hand, but mainly because he wasn't sure he could look her in the eye as he asked her the question.

"Do you want kids?"

There was a long silence, and Grimmer, behind the palm of his hand, couldn't imagine the expression Esther might be wearing in this situation. They had never really put their relationship into words, but they were both intelligent enough to know that, as adults, with their lives more or less put together, the conversation would have to come up sooner or later. Besides, the discussion with Denise had stuck in both their minds.

Would she put on a disgusted, bewildered, or rather disdainful face? Would she resent him for broaching such subjects? Perhaps Esther, like her mother, was convinced that she was too old to have children.

Grimmer couldn't decide whether he wanted them or not. He was so afraid of making the same mistakes again, of seeing a life he had caused ruined by his own carelessness and inability to love in a... normal way. Perhaps Esther would blame him too. Maybe she'd slap him and shout that he was hopeless. Maybe she'd say nothing and just disappear one day, with no note or sign that she was going anywhere, except perhaps the grief that was eating her up inside, causing an unhappiness to which he would be blind.

At last he dared to look at her, and she seemed to be thinking about it. Really thinking about it. Her eyes were blank and her face was serious. The seriousness he'd seen a few months ago, when she didn't bother to soften her own features to look friendlier, when she didn't still look at him with that adoration that almost frightened him sometimes - but he'd be much more frightened if she didn't look at him like that.

"I don't know about that." Esther murmured, with a note of vulnerability. "I always thought it was... too late, as my mother said, and then that I'd stay my whole life with Alice anyway."

A silence. Grimmer was tense.

She's dead, he wanted to say. She can never hurt you again.

"So of course I wasn't really thinking about having children, because biologically that would have been impossible. Although I thought I'd read an article about ovarian cryopreservation, and then with sperm banks..." She paused in her account, realising that she was perhaps seeing this from too formal a point of view, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Anyway, when it comes to what I want..."

Another silence.

Read in an article. She was reading the paper. Did she know? Was she just waiting for him to tell her? Was it a test?

"No, I... I don't know. I've never wondered."

Now she was the one lying. He made no comment, that said. He was there to try and appease her, after all.

"Why are you asking?" she finally asked. She already seemed more relaxed. Less hostile. She leaned a little closer to him. He kissed her knuckles.

"Well, I wanted to make sure we were on the same wavelength if... if all this were to last in time." Grimmer replied.

"You don't want children?"

"I don't... I do... I don't know." Grimmer whispered, his eyes fixed on Esther's hand that he was holding, almost hallucinating that it was Katerina's, which he held back from bringing to his lips. He couldn't think about his ex-wife, not now. He was happy, wasn't he? He loved spending time with Esther. He adored her more than anything.

But ever since she'd held that child...

"I'm scared." He confessed after a moment, his voice barely audible. "I'm afraid that..."

Esther had stood up and approached him. He was confused at first, but when he felt the unpleasant sensation of his eyes filling with tears, he let himself go against her. She held him firmly against her chest, whispering words of encouragement, and he clung to her, as if to stop himself sinking.

Yes, that's exactly what it was, his head was under water and he was cold. He couldn't breathe, and his whole body, he knew, would soon force him to breathe even if he didn't want to. Then he would open his mouth and the water would invade his lungs. Then he'd sink, and maybe they'd never find him. But Esther was there, keeping him afloat for the time being. She kissed his forehead tenderly, and it was like a soothing balm that made him swallow a life-saving gulp of air, filled with Esther's familiar scent.

At least she wasn't angry any more.

Esther didn't suspect anything at the moment, but Nathaniel knew it wouldn't last long. Especially the way he exploded with joy when the Düsseldorf police department confirmed that the DNA of the victim found matched the DNA found in the Lac de la Fous almost twenty years ago. It was Alice who had died, at last.

Perhaps he shouldn't have rejoiced so much at someone's death. Perhaps it would have been more acceptable for him to have remained silent, forbidden, his joy contained within, but he didn't really care any more. He was so happy that his sister would never again be tormented by the demons of her past, which Alice inevitably brought with her. He was so happy to know that Essie, the real Essie he had lived with for so long, could finally come back, with her kind smile, and her beautiful laugh, and her soft voice, and her cold hands no matter what the season.

Nathaniel had immediately called Grimmer - after kissing his wife perhaps a little too hard, carried away by his enthusiasm, while his mother seemed to take offence - to tell him the news, and begging him not to tell Esther yet, assuring him that he had a plan in mind. He had contacted everyone he could. Tenma seemed a little reticent about the idea, but eventually agreed. Zahra had been much more enthusiastic, even assuring him that she would keep an eye on Esther to alert the young man to any change in behaviour that might indicate that she suspected something.

Then the word came, as expected. Zahra told her brothers. Pablo had obviously not reacted more than a slow blink, and Bruno had been deeply sceptical despite the joy the news should have provoked in him. He had agreed to follow Nathaniel's plan, never being against an idea like this, but he had not been afraid to say that he sincerely thought there was something fishy about it, and that he would do some research of his own.

Tenma told Dr Reichwein, so Nina, Dieter and even ex-Inspector Lunge were soon in the loop. Lunge responded positively, saying he could spare a moment to join in with young Nathaniel's ideas, but expressed reservations, saying he would have to talk to Esther when he saw her. Reichwein, Nina and Dieter, on the other hand, were unanimous in their approval of Nathaniel's plan, eager to contribute to it.

Grimmer found it hard to get used to the idea of not talking to Esther about something that concerned her so explicitly. He watched the preparations being made, and helped, of course, wanting to assist the others, but keeping Alice's death to himself, especially seeing how Esther was struggling to find proof that Alice was still there, somewhere, was rapidly becoming too much.

Esther knew he was hiding something from her. She knew that the discussion about the children hid something else, something perhaps more serious that he didn't want to tell her, and Grimmer knew that she felt offended, that she would certainly resent him, but he didn't want to go beyond Nathaniel's instructions, which had been very clear.

Besides, he couldn't help feeling that she was hiding something from him too. She was surprisingly silent, bent over writing autopsy reports, which he was careful not to read, understanding only too well the need for professional secrecy. In any case, she seemed elsewhere, occasionally biting the skin of her thumb, which he took care to remove from the vicious grip of her front teeth as much as he could, always gently, of course. She was nervous. Anxious, even.

Esther's flat had got rid of its characteristic smell of tobacco. He had seen the packets of cigarettes in her bin, but now the craving for nicotine was eating away at her. He knew that withdrawal could be violent; Esther had spoken to Tenma about it, and was now suffering the consequences. She was more irritable, and nauseous, and she couldn't sleep as well - even though she always slept bad to begin with -, and her skin itched. She didn't complain, but he could see she was in pain. She had stomach pains and headaches, in particular.

So Grimmer didn't know whether she was anxious because of the absence of the substance that relaxed her, or whether she was anxious because she too was carrying the weight of a secret. It would have been hypocritical to ask her. To demand that she tell him the truth when he was hiding it. But he couldn't just stand by while she nibbled at everything she could - her fingers, her pen, the collar of her shirt - trying to keep calm.

"Esther?" He called softly, hoping not to rush her, and she took a moment before looking up at him. "Is everything all right?"

"No..." Esther admitted. "I feel like I need a cigarette... But what I really need to do is stop..."

"You should take it one step at a time..." Grimmer advised, trying to keep his voice low. Perhaps it was the irritability of not being able to smoke that had made her so tense over the last few days.

Esther's leg trembled under the table as she tried to brace herself, sweat beading at her temples as she frowned. He'd seen her angry, and this wasn't it. He'd seen her sad, and that wasn't it either.

Pain. That's what it was. Pain.

Grimmer cleared his throat. "Do you want some ibuprofen?"

"No." Esther replied, her eyes downcast on her autopsy report. "No thank you." She corrected herself quickly, before putting a hand on her stomach, which was surely causing her pain again.

And Grimmer could only stare at her in silence, hoping that he could ease any pain Esther might be carrying.

Denise had visited her daughter one evening, when the woman was alone, this time leafing through Chapo-Sapo, ou la Beauté de Chasser le Mal. She had never seen this book before, and she could see from the cover that it was a children's book, literature that Denise never imagined her daughter would enjoy.

If nothing else, the old woman was pleased to see that Esther had kept her manners impeccable and knew how to welcome guests. She had been surprised by her daughter's request that the two of them meet to talk about something important, so Denise had made herself a mental list of the subjects her daughter might raise during this meeting.

Esther could not possibly tell her that she and Grimmer were engaged; although the man did not seem conventional to her, Denise knew that she had made it quite clear that she wished to be able to give her blessing before any progress in the relationship was possible, and he seemed polite enough to respect that choice.

Nor could she tell him that she was pregnant. Denise could pride herself on having explained to her daughter enough about the sanctity of marriage, but also about being careful when it came to her own body. Denise had taught her about intimacy with men - admittedly in not too many details but enough for the young girl she was to understand the implications. Offering her virginity to a man was the purest thing a woman could do.

...Esther was no longer a virgin. But Denise knew nothing about that. She didn't even know that she and Alice had been so close. If she had, she would probably have a stroke.

Denise waited patiently while Esther hesitated. The old woman felt a touch of sympathy for her daughter, who looked as if she hadn't had a good night's sleep for at least a few days. Esther was visibly sweating, pale and her lips were dry, so Denise began to imagine the worst.

What if her daughter was ill? What if she'd contracted something that couldn't be cured?

Denise began to see even more details in the forensic doctor's unreadable expression, which only she could see. She could see the few beads of dried tears on Esther's eyelashes - she had been crying, but probably not enough to make her eyes swell - and the furrows that were beginning to carve into her cheeks.

If Esther stopped eating, it was because the hour was serious.

"You worry me, Esther." Denise said after a moment, unable to hide the quavering in her voice.

"Sorry..." Esther murmured, rubbing her face with her hands, trying to regain composure, but she only looked more tired. "I've gone for my annual appointment with the gynaecologist..."

Denise paled visibly. God, maybe... maybe she really was pregnant. What would she do? She wasn't married, and Denise knew her daughter well enough to know that she had no maternal instincts whatsoever. The poor child would live with a mother who was incapable of understanding their emotions and would leave them to rot in a corner.

The old woman would surely find a solution. Yes, she would take the child with her and raise them herself, or maybe she could...

"And I have endometriosis." Esther finally added, cutting short the far-fetched thoughts that were gathering in her mother's mind. "You probably have it too. That would explain the period pains. And the fertility problems."

Denise looked confused. "Well what? What's that supposed to mean? It's not like you want children anyway, is it?"

Esther bit her lip, and Denise's eyes widened.

Oh.

"I find it odd, though."

Zahra looked up at Bruno, who was helping her while she was cooking. "What do you find odd?"

"That she dies now." Bruno replied, frowning. "I'm not saying the police don't know how to do their job, but..."

"But it wouldn't be the first time Alice had died in the public eye." Zahra completed with a sigh, before giving her brother a sympathetic smile. "That's true, and I understand why you feel that way, but last time they didn't find a body."

"Fair enough." Bruno conceded, as he set about skinning the meat, his thick fingers yet precise in their movements. "But she could still pull one of her dirty tricks, and..."

"I get that, but faking a body altogether?" Zahra replied incredulously. "With the same characteristics as her? With the same genetic code? Seems a bit of a stretch, no?"

"You'd have to see the reference code they took, too." Her brother remarked as he attacked another piece. Zahra had got a bit carried away and bought a lot more beef than she needed. "If they've taken the one from the Lac de la Fous, then maybe it wasn't her."

Zahra bit the inside of her cheek, pouting. Well crap, he wasn't entirely wrong. "I'm sure they did the right thing. For a case of such magnitude..."

"Which was hushed up pretty quick." Bruno interrupted. "Don't you think it's suspicious?"

Of course she found the lack of interest in the death of someone who had shaken an entire neighbourhood suspicious. Of course she found it absurd that no one had tried to question Esther about her experience, and perhaps the word about the green-roofed house would have got out, too. Then we'd know what kind of monsters exist in this world. Well, beyond those found by the 511 Kinderheim case.

Then she remembered what Esther had said about Alice's friend, who had contacts in the German political world, and she felt a lump form in her throat. She pushed her thoughts away as quickly as they had come. Bruno was the type to exaggerate, sometimes.

"You're worrying about nothing. Again." The woman teased with a gentle nudge.

Bruno wasn't reassured though. He nevertheless gave her a small smile.

"I shouldn't be talking to you about this, and I know that, but I needed the perspective of someone who's already had children..." Esther murmured, massaging her temples.

Denise had become quite hysterical at her daughter's hesitation, now animated by a joy she hadn't known for years. She asked her all sorts of questions, offered to broach the subject with Grimmer if her daughter felt too shy, reminded her that she absolutely had to get married first.

"And he had a child too, I remind you!" Denise remarked as she concluded her long story, which had obviously given her daughter a headache.

"Yes, I know, it's..." Esther took her head in her hands. "It's just that I haven't been talking to him too much lately..."

"You haven't? Have you two been arguing?" Denise asked, tilting her head.

"Well, sort of. It's mainly me who's been arguing with him. Well, that doesn't change." Esther muttered, looking down at the reddened skin around her fingernails, which she'd been nibbling on all day while reading her book. "I must be coming down with something."

"That I can tell." Denise retorted, looking at her daughter observantly. "Do you have some sort of fever?"

"No, I don't. I'm just feeling a bit woozy. I'll go to bed earlier tonight." Esther shrugged her shoulders, her tone intended to be nonchalant, but Denise could see that she was hiding a deep malaise that neither she nor her daughter wanted to approach.

Bloody cigarettes, which had already threatened her husband's life and were now affecting her daughter.

Esther definitely looked more and more like her father. With her cheeks hollowed out, the woman's face was less round, coming closer to the angular structure that René's had. He was a handsome man. A horrible man, no doubt, but a man she had loved, and who had been torn from her too brutally. Seeing his spitting image, right in front of her, Denise felt a little moved.

"I thought you'd be fine, with the latest news..." Denise began, looking at her daughter, who raised an eyebrow.

"What news? The one Nathaniel wanted to talk about?" Esther asked.

"The very same. You left too soon, so he didn't have time to tell you, but I thought he would have told you, now that it's confirmed."

"That what's confirmed?" Esther insisted, frustration in her voice.

"Well, your father's murderer, by Jove! That silly little - what was her name again? - Alice! Alice is dead!" Denise announced.

And Esther became perfectly still. There was not even a brief change in her breathing, her expression or her posture. She remained static, but inside, everything was silently falling apart. Esther lost her footing.

Denise didn't even notice.

What a hell.

Chapter Text

Nathaniel seemed to be annoyed, walking in circles in the living room where Hilda, Grimmer and Zahra were gathered. Zahra had told him that Esther had unfortunately fallen ill a few days earlier and, from the noises she heard as she passed the flat, it was not a pretty sight. Zahra had gone to visit her to give her some home-made remedies to calm the vomiting, and had been immediately shocked by Esther's vacant expression. It was as if the coroner was answering out of obligation, and not because she was conscious of answering.

Zahra then asked Bruno to visit her regularly, and she regularly called her brother to ask him questions. Recently, it seems, he had to go to the supermarket in a hurry because Pablo had urinated on himself.

"The thing is, we all know she's not just ill." Nathaniel said worriedly. He'd been pacing so much that his route would almost have started to be traced in his living room floor. "Knowing Esther, for her to be in this state..."

"What have you done, this time?" Zahra exclaimed, glowering at Grimmer, who simply shrugged.

"No, no, this is even worse." Nathaniel interrupted with a serious look. "Something serious must have happened, or she must have had another fit. The doctors think she's epileptic or something..." He added in front of Zahra's confused look.

"I mean, sure, but do epileptic seizures last this long?" Zahra replied, squinting. "Are you sure it's not just that her physical health is affected by her mental state?"

"That's what I've been saying all this time, thank you, Zahra." Hilda sighed, as the other woman winked at her.

"In any case, she must have heard news shocking enough to completely turn her around." Grimmer reflected, a thoughtful look on his face. "And I have a feeling I know what those news might be."

"Alice's death?" Nathaniel enquired, wincing when he saw the older man nod.

"What else could it be?"

"But who could have told her?" Panicked Hilda as she cradled Markus.

The young man's gaze suddenly darkened. "Maman." he almost hissed.

Pablo was now clean. Bruno had changed him with a spare diaper from his bag, and Esther had absently cleaned up the traces of urine. Pablo was now lying on his back on the sofa, while Esther was sitting on the floor at the foot of the sofa.

Everything was awfully quiet, even for him. He had felt how much his mind had cleared in the last few weeks, especially since Esther had mentioned his older brother's name. Agustín.

Pablo was almost sad that he was the only one who remembered. He had no doubt that his friend would have kept a few snippets, but no one would remember the boy the way he could. Bruno and Zahra had forgotten even his name. Esther couldn't have remembered much apart from the unmoving figure on the ground, who had begged her to kill him. He was the only one who...

"...sther..." Pablo called, unable to move enough to see her until she sat down beside him. His head felt too heavy to turn, so he simply directed his gaze towards her.

Eye contact was important to him. It gave him the impression of being able to anchor himself in someone else's consciousness in order to regain his own. He immediately saw something in Esther's eyes that frightened him. He couldn't tell if it was sadness, anger, or a deep disdain that was just waiting to manifest itself in a sharp retort or a well-placed blow. Her eyes were half-closed, like the man's when he was still stuck in that blur he thought he'd never get out of, and her eyes weren't looking at anything. Or maybe they were looking at... No, really, nothing. Even the sofa she was facing seemed not to exist to her gaze as she chewed on her tongue absent-mindedly.

Pablo couldn't move, but he was fully conscious. He could see the pain on Esther's strained face. He wanted to raise his arm and take her hand, as she had done for him on those nights when they were all huddled together, having told each other stories that were a little too scary. Agustín often puffed his chest out, because he was the oldest, but even he ended up clutching the sheets, clinging to Pablo when Esther spoke, turning her mischievous expressions into terrified grimaces as the stories progressed, as if she were a part of them. And then no one could sleep. Sometimes Zahra would cry a little, and Bruno would rock her to sleep, his head resting against Esther's shoulder as she stroked Agustín's head on her lap, and Pablo would be on the other side, his arm entwined with that of the little girl the coroner had been. Nowhere did he recognise the cheerful child in that grave face, as if her world had just collapsed.

"...sther..." He whispered again, and just uttering that syllable hurt. He hoped she understood that he wanted her to talk to him and confide in him what was bothering her. He hoped she understood that the days when they all needed her were over - except perhaps in his case, but Pablo was frankly dependent on everyone around him - and that she could rely on them too. They were friends, after all, weren't they?

"I'm sorry, Pablo... Actually, I've just been told that..." Esther bit the inside of her cheek, looking away for a moment, and he could no longer see her face. When she turned back to him, she was blinking rapidly, as if to chase away the tears that had risen to the surface. And, indeed, he could see the light reflecting more in those moist eyes that were reddening visibly. "I've heard that Alice is dead, but I can't seem to be happy. And then I realised that they'd kept it from me... I thought... It's all so confusing."

Pablo remained silent, not that he could say anything. He tried to raise his arm again, but the limp limb didn't flinch, refusing to carry out the orders of a brain tired by so many years of inactivity, which was just waking up from its long slumber. He simply looked at her, and she wiped away a treacherous tear that had escaped. Pablo's heart ached. He had never seen her cry.

"That moment when you realise that the other person, the person you love most in the world, isn't capable of telling you things as they are. I'm sure it's for some stupid reason, too." Esther laughed grudgingly, her face still taut as she continued to wipe away her tears. "He kept it from me and for what. Look where we are now. I heard it from my mother. The one who hates me so much that if I were to disappear, she wouldn't care. She'd always have her darling son. And her darling son... My brother. It's always been just the two of us, so why..."

Why aren't you enough for him?

Pablo felt his chest compress all the more at the sound of the first sob, and Esther hid her face in her hands.

"I'm such a crybaby, really..." Esther laughed through her tears. "I'm not even capable of... God, I'm pathetic."

She wasn't making any sense any more, and Pablo had no doubt that her thoughts must be even more disordered than the words she was pouring out without even thinking about them. He could only catch a few scraps as she curled in on herself, falling to her knees on the floor with a thud that must have hurt. Her knee hadn't fully recovered, had it? Pablo couldn't quite remember, but he knew that falling so hard couldn't have been the best feeling in the world. And then the sobs began to fill the silence, and Pablo felt quite simply powerless. Useless.

His own eyes began to sting when he heard the front door open, and Esther ran to the bathroom to lock herself in. He soon heard the woman throwing up, and Bruno, who had just returned, rushed to the toilet, calling for his friend and dropping the bags he had brought with him. Pablo heard his brother banging on the bathroom door, demanding that the coroner open it. Pablo also heard the pleading in Bruno's voice, his younger brother who was always so strong and implacable, the sadness, the despair.

Pablo was crying now.

"When do we have to be there, again?" Reichwein asked, looking up at Nina, who smiled sweetly.

"Seventeen o'clock, Doctor." Replied the young woman. "I hope everything goes smoothly."

"I think there'll be problems." Dieter chewed on his pen, drawing the attention of the two adults to himself.

The little boy was not fooled. Firstly, lately Grimmer had been coming alone, whereas he was usually accompanied by Esther. So Dieter thought that maybe the two of them had had a fight, which wasn't far from the truth. But no, the situation went further than that. Esther wasn't coming round at all. She didn't call Nina from time to time, she didn't come to the Doctor's office for her weekly sessions, she didn't drop by to help Dieter with the homework the old man had assigned him so that the little boy wouldn't slack off during the summer holidays.

Of course, Nina was well aware that Esther wasn't doing well either, but she had tried desperately to convince herself that it might just be a case of stopping smoking. Reichwein had told them that it was possible for some people going through nicotine withdrawal to be more irritable, or even to have immune or intestinal problems. Nina... wanted to believe that these were the consequences of Esther's abrupt cessation of her addiction to tobacco. It was very likely that there was something else going on.

And now Nina was beginning to feel guilty about not having contacted the woman recently. She had assumed that Esther probably didn't want to talk to anyone, which explained why she had shut herself up at home and stopped calling, but maybe she just needed help so badly that...

Nina grabbed her phone and dialled Esther's number, holding the phone up to her ear. "Please, pick up, please, pick up, please..." She whispered over and over, starting to pace. It was nearly five o'clock. They should be leaving soon, and Nina knew she could see Esther once she got to Nathaniel's house, but she couldn't help thinking....

No answer. Nina clenched her jaw, and shook her head when she met the worried gazes of Dieter and Reichwein, who then looked at each other in confusion.

Esther couldn't even pretend to be surprised when she entered Nathaniel's house and saw everyone gathered round, congratulating her on ‘winning’ after all. She was getting hugs all over the place, and all she could muster was a strained smile in response. She met Lotte, Nina's girlfriend, but she honestly didn't care.

Esther didn't say much, and simply nodded when asked if she was happy that it was finally over. She knew that they suspected that she wasn't well at all, but why didn't they see that? Why didn't they ask her?

Why was she lying?

She was barely listening when Dieter told her about the friends he'd made when he'd gone to the park earlier in the week. She made an apologetic expression when he reproached her for not helping him when he wanted so much to see her, but the little boy made a disconsolate face, then took her in his arms, wrapped around her legs, asking her to forgive him for being a bad friend.

"I didn't mean that in a bad way..." Dieter had said, raising his head. "Sorry..."

She simply patted him on the back to try and make him understand that she wasn't angry with him. In fact, she couldn't blame him. Even if he'd known about Alice's death and hadn't said anything, well, he was a child, and she could even admit to being pleasantly surprised that he'd managed to keep a secret for once.

Esther was angry with Nina, on the other hand, with whom she barely spoke, apart from a few exchanged pleasantries, mostly coming from the young woman as Esther tried not to let her frustration show. At the end of the day, she knew she was doing a horrible job, and she herself could feel the tension emanating from her body like a second skin that wouldn't shed.

Bruno didn't dare meet her gaze, and so much the better. She didn't have the strength to argue or pretend with him because he would have seen straight away that she was lying. And, in the end, she didn't really want to say what was on her mind. She just wanted time to pass more quickly so that she could go home.

Esther didn't give Reichwein or Doctor Tenma a glance. She wasn't that attached to them, so she could forgive them, she supposed...

...she wouldn't.

The ones she knew she wouldn't forgive, on the other hand, she ignored for most of the evening. She stopped Nathaniel from hugging her when he saw her, and did the same with Hilda, claiming that she was still ill. She could see the pain in her brother's eyes immediately, but it really didn't affect her at all, in any shape or form. He hadn't paid any attention to her own pain, after all, so why should she care?

Esther felt selfish, but honestly...

She suppressed a sigh when she felt Zahra standing next to her.

"Say..." Zahra whispered, and Esther didn't move, didn't turn towards her. She predicted that the younger woman was probably going to talk to her about something unrelated. "That guy over there is... who is he?"

Bingo. Esther wasn't even disappointed at this point.

Esther looked up at the person Zahra was pointing at. "Doctor Tenma."

"Is he single?" Zahra asked, apparently blind to the way Esther's face was becoming increasingly exhausted. Esther shrugged, and Zahra squinted before walking towards Tenma through the crowd.

Esther sighed and turned on her heels, deciding to just go and sit in a corner where the light was a little dimmer. Her head ached, so she held it in her hands, and she was glad to see that no one was coming near her. That is, until she spotted Grimmer at the other end of the room. And then she didn't let her frustration go unnoticed.

Grimmer seemed to see it, because he tensed, and Esther rose from her seat, swallowing the scream that was beginning to form in her chest, unable to find its way to her mouth. She took a deep breath and decided to step out onto the balcony for a moment, with a slight limp.

And Grimmer was about to follow her, but a hand came to rest on his shoulder.

"I'll take care of it."

Esther put a cigarette to her mouth with trembling fingers, her vision blurred by tears as she tried to open the bloody lighter, which was taken from her with far too little delicacy for it to be Grimmer, and the flame was placed under her cigarette, which burst into flames, and Esther exhaled the smoke through her nose. She did not have any goodness in her soul left to say thank you. It was as if the air was unbreathable and she choked on her own saliva with every swallow.

For a moment, the silence stretched out, and she had time to greedily inhale puffs of the substance that would surely end up killing her sooner than expected, but it wasn't as if she gave a damn anymore. In fact, she was feeling completely sick from this situation, which had made her a prisoner of her own unconscious, forced to confront feelings she hadn't been able to get used to. She blinked several times, looking up to chase away the tears, before lowering her eyes to look at the person accompanying her. It took a while before she recognised him, but when she did, she gave another strained smile that wasn't returned.

"Good evening, Mr Lunge." She said simply in a hoarse, trembling voice.

Lunge didn't smile at her, didn't try to change the subject, his eyes anchored in Esther's, which were beginning to go glassy again. He then lowered them towards the cigarette. "It'll kill you in the end."

"Oh, you think?" Esther retorted ironically, a biting, uncontrolled cynicism in her voice. She didn't have any goodness in her soul left to apologise either, inhaling deeply as much toxic smoke as her lungs could hold, until she felt her windpipe burning, until the urge to cough became irrepressible, and she exhaled noisily, in a compact cloud, then was shaken by a violent coughing fit, leaning her elbows against the balustrade, her head tilted forward to see the street below.

If she jumped from here, it wouldn't be enough to break every bone in her body, unfortunately.

Lunge handed her a beer, and Esther wrinkled her nose at first. She wanted to remark that drinking with a child around was quite scandalous, but she really wasn't doing much better with her half-burnt cigarette. Besides, when she drank, she was always... out of herself. She became him, her father, violent and uncontrollable. She reassured herself that one beer wasn't nearly enough to get her drunk, and that perhaps a little alcohol, even if she'd always forbidden it, would probably take away the hazy, dark veil that kept her focused on her misery.

She reached for the bottle, which Lunge unceremoniously opened and handed over to her. Esther took a few sips and wrinkled her nose again. It was as disgusting as ever, as sweet as ever, and the foam felt as if it were viscous in her throat. She struggled to swallow, crushing her cigarette on the railing, then took another sip.

"You're unhappy." Lunge said simply, and Esther looked down at the ex-inspector's fingers that were beginning to tap on the railing. "Alice, your father's former lover, framed you for the serial murder of a score of prostitutes in January, abducted your brother in April to ambush you in what you call ‘the green-roofed house’ where experiments were carried out on you and four other children, to which you returned in June, and now she's publically announced to be dead. You don't believe it, and you share this feeling with Mr Bruno." said the man without taking his eyes off her.

Esther didn't flinch, and just looked at him tiredly.

"You don't believe it because you think it's too simple." Added Lunge, whose fingers had stopped their Machiavellian dance that produced annoying little taps on the metal. "You're... confused by the absurdity of the situation. Why is she dying now? Over something so simple? She deserves to suffer. That's what you think."

Esther continued to look at him, though it was clear that she sagged in on herself with every word.

"The truth is that you would have wanted to kill her. You would have wanted to make her pay for years of torment that led to the destruction of your family and yourself." Lunge concluded, and he knew he was right when Esther began biting her bandaged thumb. A tendency to make herself suffer when faced with pressure, he took note. "Is she the only reason for your discomfort? Certainly not."

Lunge turned towards the bustling interior of Nathaniel's house, looking at the individuals one by one, and waited for Esther to do the same. She had no reaction to the sight of these people all involved in the affair in one way or another. None at all.

"You trusted these people." Lunge began as Esther's eyes fell on Zahra who was smiling at a blushing Tenma who didn't quite know where to stand. "You were convinced that if you were to be involved in a personal crisis, or at least for something as important as this evil that's encumbering you..." Esther's gaze went to Hilda, Nina and Lotte, all gathered around Dieter who was carrying little Markus. "...you could count on them." Esther then swept across the room to Bruno, Pablo and Nathaniel, who were chatting in a corner. "And they proved you wrong."

Lunge noted that she lingered on Nathaniel longer than necessary. And that she didn't dare continue her exploration far enough for Grimmer and Reichwein to enter her field of vision.

"Something like that, yes." Esther replied in a low voice. "Quite impressive."

"Have you imagined why they wouldn't want to talk to you about it?"

"I believe that, at first, it was because they thought the article was wrong. That was what Maman- I mean, Denise, who told me so." Esther corrected herself, displeased at how frail and vulnerable she sounded when she called that old vixen who didn't deserve it Maman. "And then, afterwards, it's for that stupid party. That was my brother's idea, I suppose?"

Lunge simply nodded. "I was contacted by Doctor Reichwein."

"You knew about it too, then..." Esther grumbled, quickly closing in on herself.

"Actually, I didn't. And that's what I want to talk to you about."

Esther straightened her head at him. How was it that Lunge didn't know if the Düsseldorf police department had confirmed Alice's death?

"Well, yes, Alice did have contacts with people in high places." Esther confirmed, perhaps finishing the fourth beer in less than an hour. She was starting to feel sick to her stomach, and very hungry, but the adrenaline was pushing away all her primal desires to clear up her memories. The unbearable tapping of Lunge's fingers on the railing didn't stop, but she found a certain comfort in it. At least he was listening to her. "The first one who comes to mind is Mr Sievernich, Christof Sievernich by full name, who worked with her for several months as far as I know. He was involved in the 511 Kinderheim case as its other survivor. The monster's right-hand man, they called him in the article I read. I believe he was a member of the far-right neo-Nazi party whose aim was to put the monster in charge of Germany."

Lunge was indeed listening intently. He let his hand do the memorising and concentrated on the way Esther spoke. Her voice was clear, she didn't search for words for long, and despite the effects of alcohol he could see in her - the unfocused look, the flushed cheeks, and the perpetually confused expression - her words were completely intelligible and coherent.

"So he had to take another name to be able to operate in the shadows. Thomas Klein. He used it to be able to support Alice without attracting suspicion. I was able to trace it back to him because Alice would leave me voicemails from his number."

"Have you ever met him in person?" Lunge interrupted, unable to contain his own curiosity.

"Several times." Esther put down the bottle in her hands when she realised because she could no longer quite distinguish the letters of the ingredients from the numbers of the nutritional facts. "Last time, I was accompanied by... Well." She paused, remembering the impromptu meeting with Christof in Mathias' antique shop, sighing through her nose. "That's not important. It was a relatively short time ago, and Christof confessed to me that he was the one who had ensured that the search was abandoned."

Lunge squinted. His suspicions had been confirmed. He'd found it strange that the hustle and bustle that used to shake up the station during manhunts had disappeared overnight, but since he was technically no longer part of the police force, he'd had no say in the matter.

"I told him that the next time we saw each other, I'd consider him an ‘enemy’." Esther confessed.

"And he got scared." Lunge finished for her, still looking at her. "He has become frightened because he suspects that you would be capable of harming him if you were to be provoked."

Esther bit her tongue. I've got you now.

Lunge had immediately suspected, since he knew about it, that Rene's death had not been caused by Alice, but by one of his two children. It seemed to be her.

"How many people have you killed, Doctor Leroy?"

"Two, at least, that I can remember..." She replied calmly. But it wasn't the calm of someone who felt nothing about the misdeeds they had committed. It was the calm of someone who suffered the consequences and knew that the pain would never stop. The calm of someone who no longer considered themselves quite human. "Unfortunately for both you and me, my mind likes to play tricks on me and make me forget these episodes that were quite..."

"Traumatic?" Lunge attempted.

Esther shrugged. "I'd have said ‘violent’, I don't really believe in trauma. If you listen to people like Doctor Reichwein, getting shouted at a bit is trauma."

"It is." Lunge pointed out.

"No, getting hit in the head with a blunt object causes trauma." Esther replied, shaking her head.

"And has it ever happened to you? Getting in the head with a blunt object. Or have you done it to someone?"

The silence was heavy with implications. Not personally, but I've seen someone hit so hard they fell over dead, it said. Lunge crossed his arms. Two murders and witness to another. She made his job much easier.

"Are you going to arrest me?" Esther asked in a low voice.

"I am... hesitating." Lunge replied honestly.

"I really think you should. Arrest me, I mean, not hesitate. I'd be better off behind bars than living forever in fear of doing it again."

"Why, did you like it?" Lunge questioned.

"No. Absolutely not. But in desperate situations..." Esther paused for a moment. Lunge felt as if he'd heard this speech somewhere else. "Another part of me is waking up. An ugly, vicious part that thinks of justice in a twisted and incorrect way, that drives me to commit acts for which I blame myself terribly."

"It's good enough if you regret it." Said Lunge, more to himself than to her.

"But that doesn't forgive anything, does it?"

"No. It doesn't forgive anything. You hurt some people. You've done something wrong, and absolutely evil." Lunge turned his eyes towards her, wanting to see how she would react, brought face to face with the flaws in her character, her moral code, her behaviour.

He was almost shocked to see that she was smiling. She seemed... at peace.

"I see you're enjoying yourself." Grimmer teased as he watched Tenma adjust his clothes, and cast furtive glances towards Zahra, who was winking at him from where she stood across the room.

He desperately needed to concentrate on something other than the discussion that was becoming, for his taste, far too long between Lunge and Esther on the balcony. He supposed he deserved for her to ignore him for a while. He had kept a vital piece of information from her, and he was sure she would take it badly. He should have listened to himself, but he was far too afraid he wouldn't be able to reassure Esther in the way she deserved and needed. He wasn't good at that sort of thing, so be it. It was his own fault.

Ignoring her with another man, on the other hand, hurt a lot more than he would have hoped. He wasn't crazy; Lunge surely wasn't the least bit interested, and had only gone to see the woman to get her thoughts on the situation - something no one else had managed to do so far - no doubt about it. Not only was he far too old for Esther, but he was also so dutiful in his work that Grimmer could trust blindly that the former detective didn't have any kind of hidden agenda. Nevertheless, he could feel something ugly slowly building up inside him. Something that was beginning to make him doubt the integrity of the ex-inspector and his intentions. Something that was beginning to make him doubt his own value in Esther's eyes.

Grimmer had tried to think of something else, and his attention was immediately drawn to the duo formed by Tenma and Zahra, who were standing far too close for this to be normal. He had suppressed a laugh when he saw the woman playing with his friend's tie, who cleared his throat loudly as if to muster up some willpower. So when Tenma approached him and Reichwein, he wanted to make conversation to prevent his gaze from wandering to the half-open French windows where he could only catch a glimpse of Lunge's profile, motionless as he listened to Esther.

What annoyed him most of all was that he was convinced that Esther was smoking. And, judging by the number of times Lunge had gone inside to grab a bottle but Grimmer had never seen her tilt her head back to drink, she was drinking too.

"Yes, er..." Tenma ran a hand through his hair, looking a little sheepish. "Zahra is a... very charming woman."

Reichwein let out a small laugh, shaking his head. "That's the spirit! I knew you wouldn't be single for long, Tenma!"

"No, we, uh... We're not together... We just planned a date." Tenma corrected even though he couldn't hide his excitement at the idea of going to this famous meeting with Zahra.

"Really? That sounds like a good start, then, doesn't it?" Grimmer rejoined with a friendly nudge.

"Yes, I'm sure... She came up to me and asked me out as if it was second nature... It looked so easy for her... Well, I must admit that I was perhaps looking at her a little too insistently and maybe she noticed..." Tenma stammered with a smile. "But I'm glad she came to me."

"Congratulations." Grimmer put an arm around his old friend's shoulders. "Here's to hoping it works out between you two." He added, clinking their drinks together.

Don't look at that window, concentrate on something else.

"I'll drive you home, Doctor." Said Lunge simply, seeing Esther slumped a little more than necessary on the railing.

"No... Let me rot here..." His interlocutor muttered as she bent her knees, even though it hurt, to crouch down and grab the iron bars that supported the railing as if she were in prison.

"Doctor, you're drunk." Lunge stood behind her to help her to her feet. "You're not incarcerated..."

"I must... pay for my crimes. And beg the Lord for forgiveness..." Esther raised her head to the sky with a snarl, "Lord, I am but the worst of your creations..."

Lunge said nothing and led her back inside, careful not to let her lose her balance, holding her firmly by the shoulders. She began to recite what seemed to him to be extracts from the Bible, and he paid no attention to them. He informed Nathaniel that he would take his sister home, and although the young man seemed suspicious at first, he agreed in the end.

"Good night, Essie." Nathaniel whispered to his sister.

The latter lowered her eyes towards him. "Traitor." She hissed simply, and his brother could only lower his gaze. He couldn't prove her wrong.

In any case, Grimmer was watching the scene with mounting anxiety. He knew what could happen when a man got a woman drunk... No, no, it wasn't Lunge's style, but he couldn't help it... It wasn't anyone's style, after all, when you thought of it. You could never guess. He excused himself from Tenma and Reichwein to approach.

"I'll come with you too." He insisted and Lunge shrugged, not necessarily objecting. Esther, on the other hand, let out a grunt of exasperation, but said nothing.

It was only once in the car, where Grimmer was sitting in the back with the woman to make sure she was all right, that she began to look at him with eyes full of hatred. She almost weighed in, calling him names, and she cried and sobbed that she couldn't express how she was feeling, that her thoughts didn't make any sense.

"You're getting on my nerves!" She raged, hitting his chest with ridiculous weakness with her closed fist. "Why are you doing this to me, eh? I thought we were always supposed to be honest with each other..."

"I know, Esther... I'm sorry."

"It's easy to say you're sorry." She retorted, her words less and less understandable. "But you don't mean it, I know you don't. You thought it was fine, not to say anything to me, because you know too. I'm a horrible person and you're all afraid of me! You think that by looking after me and protecting me you're going to be able to change me... Bullshit! Bullshit!" She hammered her finger on Grimmer's chest, but he didn't flinch. "I'm rotten to the core and there's nothing you can do but kill me or throw me in fucking jail and let me die there, do you hear me? Don't play the hero with me because there's nothing to save! I killed my fucking dad, can you believe it? I killed him and I forgot that I killed him to save my own skin, and to make myself feel better, and because I preferred to convince myself that I was normal and that everything was fine."

When he saw that she was gradually beginning to lose energy, Grimmer drew her to him, to hug her gently, stroking her back. She sobbed against him.

"I'll never be a good person... I'll never be the person you want me to be..."

Lunge simply watched them in the rear-view mirror without a word.