Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ace is slumped facedown and corpse-like at their kitchen table. “Hey. Levi. Now’s your chance to murder me. I won’t fight it. Honest. You’d be doing me a favor.”

“Killing you would be too troublesome,” Levi tells him point-blank.

“Fucking jerkwad.”

There probably won’t be any winning with him this morning. “I’m fairly sure not wanting to kill you is a good thing.” Levi throws ingredients into the blender for their morning smoothie.

“Oh, wait, I get it — you just haven’t come up with a good murder plan yet, right?” Ace lifts his head from the crook of his arms. “Kinda shocking you haven’t. I’m annoying as fuck.”

Levi throws him a sly glance. “You are, when you wish to be — there’s no denying that. However, as your partner, it’s my duty to protect you and keep you alive.” He starts the blender as Ace rolls his eyes. It almost feels like any other morning — it’s easy to pretend that it is — but as Levi joins his partner at the table with their drinks he can detect a heaviness in the air. Ace stares at his breakfast but makes no move to drink it. “You’re going to be gone for three months,” Levi acknowledges, “and it’s your first World Cup. It seems like it will be very stressful.”

“Uh huh. I might die, and if I do there’ll be a bigger audience for it.” Ace reaches for the glass and lifts it to his lips, eyes unfocused, each movement glacial. Even for him this is quite a state.

“Do you think you might get homesick?”

This was the wrong thing to ask. Ace snaps, “What, you think I’ll crumble into dust from loneliness just ‘cause I’ll be away a little longer than usual? I know how to be by myself. I don’t fucking need you to survive.” Levi wonders if this is true, because Ace rarely eats without being prodded to do so. “I don’t need you.” He adds in a mumble, “And you don’t need me.” It seems like he might go on, but when he makes eye-contact with Levi he falters and takes a sip of his drink instead.

What to respond with? Agreeing might pacify him. “That’s true. It’s not as though we’ll stop breathing without one another.”

“Yeah.” Ace says, “Exactly.” He works on his drink, no longer angry, but Levi can’t call this flat expression and prolonged silence a success.

“Are you sure you don’t want a ride to the airport?”

“You need the car for work. It’s fine. Cabbing it is fine.”

“I see.” Levi is doing something wrong again, and he doesn’t want to leave Ace with a sour impression — the timing wouldn’t be good. After all, they’re about to be apart for quite a while. Never this long before. “It’s going to feel strange around here.”

Ace’s eyes sharpen, but it’s only a flash before they go dull again. “I’ve been away for work before. Don’t pretend you’ll miss me. I know you won’t.”

It’s one of these dilemmas again, an invisible problem they can’t solve. Because Ace isn’t wrong, exactly. Levi has never missed him, not even during that one stint where he was gone for a month. During that time he acknowledged the change in routine and simply carried on living, sometimes effected by the loss of easy access to sex and body contact, but little more than that. “Maybe not.” Levi has to admit, because lying to him never works. “But I’ll still remember you. I know you’ll be busy with training, and competing, but… I would still like to check in. Maybe once a week?” He pauses, realizing a new dilemma. “Oh. Is that too much? Or not enough? Are there rules for long-distance relationships?”

Finally, Ace cracks a reluctant smile. It isn’t a response Levi had been actively trying to coax out of him in that moment. Truly confusing. “No invisible rules to worry your pretty little head over.” He says, “Once a week works for me.” He polishes off the smoothie, staring at the empty glass for a moment before adding, “Thanks.” Then he pushes himself from the table and leaves the kitchen, rummaging with his suitcase in the bedroom. A few moments later he emerges and rolls it to the door.

“Are you leaving already?”

“The cab got here pretty quick. So yeah.” A pause. “Guess I’ll see you when I see you, or whatever.”

Levi jumps up. He hurries over to the door, pushing it closed before Ace can escape, and boxes him in. “Wait.”

Ace stands there with his hands clenched into fists, but eventually looks up. “Okay. I’m waiting.”

How does one say a proper goodbye? What would a good partner do? Levi is always drowning in questions like these. “I hope you have a good flight, without any setbacks.” He stammers, “And, I…” Nothing too sappy. Ace always calls him a liar when he tries things like that. “I want you to come back home, so don’t do anything too reckless.”

Ace searches over his face, a thorough sweep of each feature. It could be a test, or it could be a sign of affection. Levi can’t tell. “I’ll try to stay out of trouble. You better keep your nose clean too, got it? No getting tossed in jail.” Ace gives him a hug that’s too quick to properly reciprocate, grabs his suitcase and opens the door. “Bye.”

Then the door slams, and he’s gone.

Levi saunters back to the kitchen table. He picks at his smoothie, but his mind is occupied so he doesn’t really taste it. “Hm. I probably should have kissed him.” Another mistake. Is it too late? Levi leaps from the table and bursts out of the apartment barefoot. He spots Ace stepping into the elevator at the end of the hall. “Ace — hang on. Hold the door.”

“Huh? Did I forget something?”

“No, but I forgot to kiss you.” Levi picks up the pace as the elevator doors glide slowly in.

“Heh! Too bad, so sad.” Ace tries to sneer in that cruel, cold way of his, but the fact that he’s laughing warms it considerably. The doors shut right as Levi reaches them.

“Damn.” Not fast enough. That had been a good reaction though, definitely better than the sulking from earlier. Levi races for the stairwell, not ready to give up the chase just yet. He leaps down several flights of stairs, cold and unyielding on his feet, runs through the lobby, bursts out of the building’s front door… only to see Ace right as he swings into the taxi. Too late.

At least Ace spots him through the window, grins wide, and tosses out a middle finger as the vehicle pulls away. Levi hovers in the warm spring air left in his wake. “You win this time.” No surprises there — it’s the same circle as always. He chuckles in helpless defeat, turns around, and makes his way back up to their apartment.

Chapter Text

“What the hell is that?” Ace asks, his face wrinkling in disgust.

Levi glances back at the counter. “It’s ground beef. I’m going to cook with it.”

He scoffs. “I mean, obviously. What the fuck else do you do with raw meat? Man. I’m not even there and just looking at it makes me wanna hurl.”

Levi sets the phone down, propping it on the counter so they can still see one another. “Since you’ve been away, I’ve been indulging in a lot of meat. Today I’m going to make some burritos for dinner, and freeze most of them for later.”

“Nasty.”

“Have you eaten dinner yet, Ace?”

“Dude, it’s like midnight where I’m at. There couldn’t be a worse time to eat.” When Levi waits for a less roundabout answer, Ace eventually mumbles, “I had a couple boiled eggs. Happy? If you’re just gonna get on my ass about food and be annoying, then…” He trails off, likely about to threaten severing contact before realizing how much of a non-threat that would be. “Ugh. Never mind.” Levi heats a pan on the stove and lines up all the seasonings he plans on using, no holds barred. “Damn Levi, are you trying to melt your tongue off?”

“Just another indulgence. I’m cooking only for myself, remember? I prefer more intense flavors.” Sweetness most of all, but he’s definitely missed having heavy, spicy, savory meals on a more frequent basis.

“Living the good life, huh.”

Levi studies the spread of food on the counter. “It isn’t better or worse. Just different.” Meals are easier lately and require a lot less thought and care — a pleasure to eat, but none of them seem to stick in his memory. “Do you feel relatively settled in now? The jet-lag must’ve been quite an obstacle at first.”

“Yeah, I was a total zombie for the first few days. I guess I’m as settled as I can be now, in a situation like this.” His focus drifts a bit, though it’s harder to read his more subtle expressions through a phone screen. “Maybe I’ll do some touristy crap? It’s kinda boring when I’m not training.”

“Might as well.” Levi nods in approval. “It’s a bit far for you, but I’d recommend scuba-diving through the ruins of Venice if you get the chance.”

“That’s a thing?”

Levi ponders it. “Well, perhaps not officially. To be honest, I’m not sure about the legality of something like that. I wonder if I was trespassing back then? I know that stealing the scuba gear was a crime, but…”

Ace’s laughter cuts his thoughts short. “Are you serious? Did you just dive into those scary-ass, polluted ruins on a whim? By yourself?”

“It wasn’t really on a whim. I needed money, and there are still unclaimed valuables down there.”

“Like gold coins and shit?”

“I didn’t find any treasure chests, unfortunately.” Levi plops the ground beef into the pan, where it makes a pleasant sizzling sound. “But I did find a fair bit of jewelry to pawn off. So it wasn’t too far off from your usual, run-of-the-mill sunken treasure.”

Ace snorts. “Heh. Anyway. I’m not gonna do that. Because I’m not a crazy weirdo.”

Levi looks to him with gravity. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but… the fact that we’re together might make you a bit abnormal, Ace. Maybe even enough to be considered a ‘crazy weirdo’. I cannot look back on some of your actions and call them entirely sane.”

“Tch. What would you know about being sane? Asshole.”

That might be true, based on insults from the past. Levi turns his focus back to the onion on the cutting board and dices it up.

After a while, the hiss of a sigh crackles through the phone speakers. Ace mutters, “Forget I said that.”

Levi tilts his head. “Hm? Forget what?”

“That you don’t know anything about being sane. You do. Hell, you probably know more about it than me.” Then Ace quickly pivots to another subject: “You know you can cook whatever you want when I’m around, right? This is kinda making me feel like you’re depriving yourself or something.”

“But I enjoy eating what I prepare for us. I don’t really understand what you mean by ‘depriving’ myself. If I made separate meals for each of us, then…” He tries to pin it down with effort. “That point of connection would be lost, wouldn’t it? Commenting on the taste, or if the food turned out good or bad, is an important part of spending time with you.” With each new experiment, Levi can add more notes to the ‘food’ section of his notebook, carefully tracking what works for Ace and what doesn’t. It’s satisfying. Now that he thinks of it, he hasn’t touched his notes since Ace has been away. There hasn’t been a need.

“You can’t seriously think that. I make anything that has to do with food a huge fucking chore.”

Levi adds his seasonings liberally. “It’s true that it isn’t carefree, but I don’t think of it as a chore. It’s a puzzle.” He pushes the meat around the pan. It already smells delicious. “That describes all of you, in a sense: You’re a complicated puzzle box with various moving parts. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I won’t ever fully unlock and understand you, but compared to where we started I think I’ve figured out a few bits and pieces of how you work, slowly but surely.” He checks the phone, sees Ace staring silently. “What do you think? Do you… feel as though I’ve gotten to know you better over the years?”

After he asks it, he waits for the answer with unexpected anticipation.

Ace shrugs a shoulder. Levi inches closer to the phone to try and read him better. It doesn’t help that Ace is sitting in a dim hotel room, half of his face in shadow. “I don’t really think about that stuff anymore. I guess so.”

Maybe the long, tedious road of progress was only in Levi’s head, and he hasn’t actually gotten very far at all.

“I should probably get some shut-eye. It’s late.” Ace tells him, “G’night Levi. Talk to you in a week or so.”

“Ah. Right. Have a good night — and a good week as well.”

“Yeah, you too. Enjoy your disgusting, greasy, beefy burrito.” His mouth tightens into a thin smile. “Love you.” And he hangs up, knowing those words always throw Levi off balance and not wanting to linger for the aftermath of them.

Levi continues his work in the kitchen. Prepares the burritos mechanically. Eats one. Freezes the others, just as planned. Every moment slides effortlessly through him, no resistance, no hooks to snag into him and pull. Not better, or worse. Just one day after another. After another. After another.

Chapter Text

The actor makes a face as Levi helps him into a padded vest. “The camera is going to be too far away for anyone to really tell, right?” The man remarks, “It’s hot as hell on set, and I’d rather wear as few layers as possible.”

“The director requested accuracy,” Levi tells him, “and this is what jockeys wear. Well, their actual protective vests are a bit lighter… and I could have had you wear the mesh guard beneath as well, so you’ll actually be somewhat cooler than you could have been.” He helps the actor straighten out the helmet, hesitates when he hands over a set of black gloves.

“I guess out of everyone here, you’d know best.” The actor comments with a grunt, still unhappy with the arrangement but bearing with it. “With that jockey husband of yours and such.”

“We’re not married,” Levi corrects him, “but yes. I suppose my affiliation with Ace has been an asset.” He wonders if that’s the reason this specific task had been assigned to him. Usually he works more closely with the rest of the costuming department, but everyone had deferred to his suggestions without any push-back.

They don’t know the real situation — that Ace has never let him very far into the jockeying part of his life, and how that fact is unlikely to change.

As he finishes the final touches with the lead actor, his phone buzzes in his pocket. “You’re ready for the other stylists now. I’m going to take this call.” The actor waves him away dismissively, so Levi moves over to a quiet spot by the craft services table. “Ace. I was just thinking of you.”

“Right — it’s like a ‘scratch the Devil’s back’ kind of thing.”

Levi squints at the phone screen. “… I don’t think I’ve heard that one. Isn’t it ‘speak of the Devil, and he shall appear’?”

“Whatever. Anyway…” Ace lights up with a smile. “I managed to get a second away from training, so, uh, happy birthday! Kinda sucks I can’t be there this year, but you’ll just have to deal with it.”

Levi checks the date in the corner of his phone. It is, indeed, his birthday. “Strange. I forgot.” He realizes out loud, “I think it’s because you usually stay up the night before.”

“Yeah. No midnight birthday blowjob this year.”

“That’s right — I’ve been robbed.” He’d taken that particular ritual for granted.

“Guess you’ll just have to cry and jerk off later to thoughts of me gobbling your dong.”

Levi mutters in dismay, “Not the same.” 

“I know. Hang in there, big guy. You’ll live.” He opens his mouth to go on, then hesitates. “Wait. Where are you right now?”

“At work.”

“Oh. Fuck. I should probably stop talking about dong gobbling then.”

“Hm. Probably.” Levi plucks a stick of celery from the table and crunches into it. “And where are you, exactly? It doesn’t look like the hotel room.” The environment behind Ace seems to be indoors, if the wooden support beams are any sign, yet shafts of golden sunlight stream down from above, lighting the mussed tangles of his auburn hair very nicely.

“Technically I’m at work too.” Ace replies, “Just hiding in the barn with these stupid, smelly horses, taking a break.” Right as he says this a large muzzle sways into frame, nudging at his head. “Ugh, stop!” He pushes the curious horse away and takes some steps to the side, presumably out of its reach. “Even when I’m not riding them they always get up in my face. Don’t they know they’re freaky as fuck?!” Over his shoulder, a few paces away, another horse is sticking its head hopefully out of its stall.

Levi notes, “They seem very fond of you.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not mutual!”

“Ace Markey: Ultimate Horse Whisperer…”

“I’ve never whispered a day in my life!” Another horse snout looms in from the other side of the screen, snuffling at his shoulder. Ace palms his face and lets out a long, beleaguered sigh.

“I can’t help but understand them somewhat. Despite the shouting and chaos, there’s something agreeable about being around you.”

Ace snorts. “You’d probably be just as stoked about being fed sugar cubes too.”

“True enough.”

An indistinct voice gets Ace’s attention. He shouts back, “Yeah, yeah, gimme a second!” He sulks, turning his focus back to Levi. “I’ve gotta run. These shitbags are working me to the bone…” After shaking his head, he says, “Get yourself some cake, all right? I sent you a present, but mailing stuff overseas takes a while, so… you’ll just have to wait. Have a good one, Levi.” He disconnects before they can properly exchange goodbyes.

Levi drifts through the rest of the workday, stops at a bakery on his way home, and divvies himself a slice of chocolate-caramel cake back at the apartment. He turns on some music to liven the atmosphere, but it doesn’t entirely work.

Without Ace, he’ll have to adjust the usual formula. Staying at the apartment isn’t going to serve him this year. He scrolls randomly through his contacts. It doesn’t matter who it is. He lands on Xander’s number. A text conversation ensues, and soon he’s out on the streets, swept up into a bar.

“Levi!” The same fiery red hair, the same spark of golden energy. “How’ve you been? It’s been ages! Great to see you again and catch up! Have as many drinks as you like — they’ll be my treat! I’ve managed to recruit some others for the birthday bash, hope you don’t mind. Mr. David’s over at the bar, already a bit pickled I think. And Whit is… around here somewhere? We keep losing him. He’s as slippery a rascal as ever. J wishes you a happy birthday, but couldn’t make it out unfortunately.”

“That’s quite all right. Thank you, Xander.” He hadn’t expected the others. It isn’t a bad development. The night goes by as smooth and frictionless as silk. Xander buys him drinks (not opting to have any himself) until the world turns, then Whit pulls him out into the crowd and throbbing music, dancing circles around him.

“Wow Levi, you’re a terrible dancer! What are those moves? That’s hilarious!”

“I’m sorry?”

Then he shouts over the music, “I like your eyes! They’re pretty!”

“Yours are also nice.”

“I know!” Whit grins up at him, then spins away into the rest of the bodies in motion. Out of his former classmates, Levi finds him the most mysterious of them all, though not in any compelling way — because there’s something familiar about him too.

If Ace weren’t a factor, he could see Whit attempting a hook-up. Levi would probably let himself be dragged along without resistance, not enthused or opposed. He’s glad he isn’t in that position for reasons he can’t quite determine.

When the music tires him out he finds himself back at the bar, having one last drink next to David, who is slumped over the counter. Not just ‘a bit pickled’ anymore.

“You,” he slurs out, poking a finger gracelessly into Levi’s arm, “You disgust me.”

Levi feigns concern. “My apologies. Did I do something to offend you?”

“Ha. See? Disgusting.” David’s mouth reels up at the corner, though it isn’t anything Levi recognizes as a smile. “All these years, and you’re still pretending. Dancing for the crowd like a puppet. Everyone can tell. None of your soulless, placating smiles ever reach your eyes. But who am I to stop you? Go on. Put on your silly little stage show. I’ll laugh as you rot away into nothing.”

Ace has explained to him that David hadn’t really been a good person, that his words as the Ultimate Motivational Speaker weren’t sincere. But if a person does good things for others, does that not make them good as a whole? Does it really matter what dwells within? David has helped a lot of people despite what he truly thinks. And so, Levi can’t help but respect him still. “I know that my ‘stage show’ isn’t very good or convincing. However, there are benefits to putting on a performance, even if it feels meaningless.” He pauses. “Though your concern is noted.”

“Who said I was concerned? Stupid hollow-headed puppet, just hearing what you want to hear.” David tips back another sip from a cocktail of some sort.

“I think you should drink some water.”

“And I think you should go to hell.” The words should be heated, yet David slides the cocktail Levi’s way with a dry laugh. “But you do have a point. Go on. Have it. Good dogs get treats, after all.”

Levi indulges in the cocktail. Gin with a touch of sweetness. It’s tasty. “I wonder what’s worse.” He eyes David sidelong. “Being a good, contented dog, or a miserable man?”

“Hmm.” David returns his look, a flash passing through his heavy, drunken features. “Are you implying that you’re only one of those things?” He points with a wavering finger. “I may be plastered, but that doesn’t mean you can get cheeky with me.”

“Ah. Of course. My mistake.” Levi puppeteers his way through a smile, just to irritate him.

It isn’t long until Xander comes around to fetch them. “Maybe we should call it a night? You look pretty knackered, Mr. David.” Then, “Levi, would you like a ride home?” Then, “Let’s track down Whit — he might want a lift too.”

“Why must you insist on calling me that?” David mumbles, but Xander isn’t paying attention to him, searching the crowd for a sign of Whit and eventually gathering them all together. They pile into Xander’s rusted, untrustworthy-looking car. The city slides by, glass facades and prisms of light gliding in a mirage-like cascade.

Levi staggers back into the apartment. He takes the chocolate cake from earlier out of the fridge and eats a good portion of it as is, not bothering with the formality of cutting it into slices.

Nothing feels real.

The taste reminds him of last year, and he finds himself lingering there more than here.

⤝❖⤞

“So… any good?” Ace asks, resting his head in his palms at the kitchen table. “Rum and chocolate sounded way too heavy and rich, so I thought you’d be into it.”

“Deliffiff,” Levi informs him, mouth full.

“Heh.” His smirk softens. “I’ll take your word for it.” He fidgets with the blown-out candle on the table. “Did you make the same boring wish you always do?”

“Isn’t it good to wish for things that are important, even if it isn’t exciting?” Levi counters, “Our health and happiness are crucial — at least, if the goal is to spend as much of our lives together as we can.”

“Boring and corny as fuck.” He nudges Levi’s foot under the table. Levi nudges back, which turns into them play-kicking each other. Ace laughs, and the lively moment pulls back like the violence of a wave revealing soft sand. “Hey, uh, Levi? Can I…” Ace hesitates, his hand curling into a fist on the table. “Can I have a bite of that?”

It doesn’t sink in at first. Levi looks at the forkful of cake in his hand, then at Ace. “A bite of cake?” In response Ace nods, a determined shimmer in his eyes that quavers like it might sputter out at any moment. “Of course, if you’re sure.” He nods again, so Levi holds out the fork. Ace meets him partway, taking a bite.

A breathless interlude. His face twists and he rubs his jaw. Definitely overstimulated by the onslaught of sugar. “Ugh. So fucking sweet.” Incredibly, he swallows it down. “Pretty ‘deliffiff’ though, gotta agree with you there.”

He looks shaken, and rightfully so.

Levi’s heart thunders inside him. Not a lightning-flash of feeling like what Ace probably experiences, but a long-drawn echo — recognition of a benefit he can’t identify. He leans over the table, tilts Ace’s chin and catches him up in a kiss.

The flavor truly is overwhelming, but that’s exactly the way he likes it.

Chapter Text

It isn’t unusual for Levi to work overtime, but it’s more tiring these days. He enters the apartment late and kicks back on the couch. Even though he barely has the energy for it, he takes out his phone and dials Ace for their weekly call. As is customary, it’s more out of duty than desire.

“Yo! Levi!” The screen shakes before Ace centers it on himself. His loose grin and unfocused eyes catch Levi off guard.

“Oh. Are you drunk?” This is far outside the norm for him. Levi has only seen him drink a handful of times, and it’s never for benign reasons. Yet he seems happy enough?

“Yeah, a little. A lot? I dunno.” He laughs. “Probably good you called. I woulda totally forgot about you. See? We really don’t need each other at all. I just went to this concert with a friend and—”

A voice shouts off-screen, “Aw shit, is this your man? Give it! I wanna see!”

“Hey!”

The phone blurs wildly until it centers on a woman with messy, poorly-dyed hair — an attempt at an ombré from black to red. Her rounded features sharpen crookedly. “Damn Ace, you weren’t even lying. He’s fine as fuck? How?”

“Whadyu mean how?” Ace complains in the background.

“’Cause you’re a gross weasel — why would a hottie settle for you when he could have pretty much anyone? Makes no sense.”

“Uh.” Levi is at a loss.

The woman flippantly tacks on an introduction, but Levi forgets her name as soon as it exits her mouth. She then leans closer to the phone, faux-conspiratorial. “I don’t know how you live with this marmot. I kinda feel sorry for you. But at least you don’t have to worry about him none! Your angry little guy has a wrangler on standby!”

“You’re not my wrangler, bitch!” The phone blurs back into Ace’s possession. “Fuck off and get us a ride back. I don’t wanna walk anymore.”

“Fine. I get it. I’ll let you guys talk or whatever.”

Ace appears to slump down. It’s difficult to tell where he is, though Levi catches a street lamp behind him and silhouettes of people milling around. A busy night in a busy city. “She’s another jockey. She does dressage, and hates it, so we clicked,” Ace slurs out an explanation, then asks, “How you been?”

“Fine,” Levi answers, “A bit tired.”

“Long shift?”

“Yes. Very.” Now that Ace is in front of him, a thought crosses his mind. “It’s one of those nights where it would be nice to fall asleep early, with you draped on top of me.” He imagines the warmth of Ace’s firm body, the rise and fall of his breathing. They’d unintentionally slept on the couch more than a few times like that, heart to heart. “Maybe I should buy a weighted blanket?”

“Tch. Replacing me with a blanket. Figures.”

“That’s inaccurate — you’re far more useful.”

“Yeah, I guess a blanket probably wouldn’t scream the same if you fucked it.”

“Or scream at all, for that matter. Or be as warm. Or challenge me the way you do.” He stops reflecting on these absences, only to become aware of the clock ticking from their bedroom, the apartment so silent that he can hear its softer workings. Levi focuses back on the phone. Ace is searching him through the screen, his mouth tight.

“Almost got me there for a second.” Some of his drunken haze crystallizes into determination. “But I know you can’t miss me. So say whatever you want, however you want — I’m not gonna forget or disrespect the truth you gave me all those years ago.”

Sometimes Ace says certain things, and the words don’t merely pass through the way they normally do. They get caught inside. “I see.” Levi responds inadequately, yet again.

But Ace doesn’t seem to mind, because he carries on, “You know, I haven’t been to a concert in a long time — not since me and you went. Ages ago. And thinking ‘bout it now, this one wasn’t as good.”

“I think I can guess why.” Levi teases him, “If I recall correctly, I made you orgasm right there at the venue.”

“Ha! Shut up. Don’t act so smug about it.”

This is when his friend swoops back into frame. “Okay, ride’s on its way! We’re getting back in one piece, my guy. I think I’m gonna throw up. Come throw up with me. Hold my hair. Be a pal? Urgh…!” She keels over.

Ace glances back. “And… yep. You’re throwing up. Fucking nasty.” He turns back to the phone, expression apologetic. “Uh, I’ve gotta go. Catch you later. Love you.”

And with those troubling words, he’s gone once again. Ace isn’t one to utter such sentiments often — not until recently, that is. Levi flops back on the couch and stares at the ceiling. That concert they’d gone to in the past… that was technically their first date. 

He shuts his eyes, and decides the weighted blanket is a must.

⤝❖⤞

Most people find first outings with their significant other important, so he tries to keep track of the little things: The way the thrashing music moves through their bodies and vibrates between them as they kiss, the texture of Ace’s frayed t-shirt, his jackrabbit heart, his peppermint taste. Yet it’s hard to hold on. It feels better to get lost, shut off his brain and ride every wave of pleasure.

The music picks up speed, bass purring through Levi’s blood and into the wall he’s pressed against. The tall, stained-glass windows of the venue rattle in their frames. Ace climbs his body and rocks against his thigh, back and forth, nipping at Levi’s bottom lip and teasing at his piercing, though not hard enough for it to hurt. “That’s right,” he says, so quiet that the words are nearly lost in the havoc of the concert, “feel me up like you want me.”

Levi angles his leg out further, grabs his ass and guides his hips so harshly that Ace is no longer entirely on the ground.

“Nnh, oh, you—! You fucker—!” His voice strains as his hips stutter and jolt in Levi’s grip. His mouth parts in a gasp, eyes screwed shut in unmistakable euphoria.

He’s climaxing right in the open, up against Levi’s leg like a dog.

‘Beautiful’ isn’t the first word that comes to mind where Ace is concerned. Far from it. He isn’t even very attractive most of the time, with his features contorted in anger or fear. But every so often he’s magnetic; maybe even enough for Levi to remember.

The moment passes. Ace freezes up in his arms, eyes snapping open and fixing into pinpoints of dread. “Did you just…?” Levi begins to ask.

“What?! No! I — no! Of course I fucking didn’t!” He flails and jumps back, visibly scarlet even with how dark it is. “What, you think I’m some kind of desperate freak who’d jizz in his pants over literally nothing?! Screw you!” It’s a good thing the music is so loud, and the other concert-goers thoroughly occupied with dancing, otherwise he would’ve earned a few looks and gotten worked up even more.

Levi raises his hands. “Whether you did or didn’t, I’m not passing judgment.” He pushes himself forward from the wall and advances a step. “I’d like to go somewhere more private, if you’re willing. We can also stay and enjoy the rest of this concert, but…”

Ace deliberates, perhaps considering the idea of staying just to sell the lie that there isn’t currently a mess in his pants, but he ends up kicking at the floor and replying, “Fine. Let’s get out of here.”

They leave the venue and head for Levi’s car. Ace shifts in the passenger seat uncomfortably as they pull onto the road. “Maybe we should have stopped in the bathroom first? You might have been able to clean up somewhat,” Levi realizes belatedly.

“Shut the fuck up! There’s nothing to clean up!”

“Hmm. If you insist.”

He grumbles out of the side of his mouth, “I do insist, ‘cause I didn’t cum.” Then he eases a touch and says, “But aside from you being a dick and teasing me, this was… pretty fun. I don’t get to let loose a lot, so thanks for taking me out and stuff.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Since we’re dating, it stands to reason we should probably go on dates.”

“Yeah. That’s usually what boyfriends do, I guess? We just kinda said we were a thing, and we’ve sucked face randomly and all that, but now it feels…”

“Somewhat more official?” At least they’re both unsure of their footing. Levi glances over and tells him, “Just to be entirely transparent, I was thinking we could have sex when we get back. Is that something you feel ready for?”

Ace crosses his arms and answers, “Of course I’m ready! Don’t handle me with kid gloves! I was ready the first time we made out.”

“Really? But you stopped things from going further back then.”

“That doesn’t mean I wasn’t ready!” He fidgets with the leather choker at his throat, a borrowed accessory from Levi. “I wanted something else for a while. I just wanted to see… if it was possible.”

“You mean, having something more than a one-night stand?”

Ace turns his head to look outside the window at the lights swooping past. “Sure. Something like that.”

Since he seems a tad melancholy for some reason, Levi offers, “I’ve never had a partner before, so I’m happy things turned out the way they did, and that I can see what it’s like with you.” Even though that latter part is a lie: He hadn’t cared either way. The fact that they’re partners is simply Levi following along with what Ace wants. Though it isn’t an entirely useless development — it’s a chance to learn.

At any rate, his lie appears to work this time. Ace looks over at him with a smile. “Fucking sap. But, for what it’s worth, I don’t mind seeing what it’s like with you either.”

The anticipation makes the return to campus stretch on and on. Levi knows that the rules will be different from his previous sexual encounters. He should probably try to be more accommodating?

They come to a stop in the hallway. Levi asks, “Will it be your room? Or mine?”

“Uh. How about mine. If that works.” Ace is holding his body stiff. Is it just nerves? Or…?

Levi doesn’t dwell on it. “All right, your room it is. I’ll pick up some things in my dorm then. It should only take a minute.”

“Okay.” Ace opens his door, only to pause. “Might as well get prepped for you while I’m waiting. Don’t barge into the bathroom while I’m doing that, got it?”

“Yes. Understood.”

The door closes. Levi is careful to internalize this newly discovered boundary as he gathers supplies at his dorm: Condoms and lubricant and candles. He has also acquired a bottle of poppers, though now he wonders if Ace might be put off by them. Better to find out than let it be, he reckons.

Levi crosses the hall to Ace’s dorm and enters. The bedside lamp casts warm shadows over a surprisingly clean room. He sets down candles on the dresser, the end table, and atop a small set of shelves, arranging and lighting them and wondering if this will make it look like he cares.

He’s supposed to, and so he must maintain the illusion that he does.

Levi takes up a position on the end of the bed. Waits a while. A long while. After fifteen minutes go by his patience gives way, and he ambles up to the bathroom door. “Ace?” He knocks. “Are you all right?”

“Fine!” He shouts back, “I’m fine! Everything’s… good.” A pause. “Fuck! Go in, damn it!”

“Do you need assistance?”

There’s a loud thud. “Fucking son of a bitch—! Ow!”

Levi leans a shoulder against the door. In retrospect, a setback of this nature isn’t much of a surprise. “It sounds like you’re in distress.” He observes, “May I come in?”

“Hell no. Wait. Maybe? Hang on.” A scrambling sound. “Okay. You can come in I guess, if you really want.”

When he turns the knob and enters, Ace is standing at the bathroom counter, adjusting the gloves on his hands as though he’d just finished slipping them back on. Levi stops and stares. Ace is still in his t-shirt, but is otherwise entirely exposed. His legs and ass have incredible tone — just as Levi suspected, since he has personally witnessed the type of work Ace puts in at the gym. Even so. He knows what to say even less than usual. “Oh. You’re undressed.”

“Yeah, yeah. My scrawny twink ass is hanging out. Whatever.” Ace turns from the sink. The eyeliner he’d applied for the concert is smudged into smoky rings, the hint of a tear-track running down one cheek that he’d tried to wipe away. “I keep trying to take my shirt off too. But I can’t. It’s so stupid, but I just can’t do it. And I’ve been thinking in circles so much that now my annoying, traitorous butthole is mega clenched. It’s like full-on maximum security prison Alcatraz level bullshit.”

Levi had gone into this thinking a new type of performance would begin, but that doesn’t appear to be the case. “So you’re having problems loosening up then.” He strokes his chin. “I might have something that will help.” He ducks out of the bathroom and returns with the bottle of poppers. “Have you tried this before? It—”

“Get that crap away from me. Why the hell would you bring…?” Ace turns away partially with a snarl and pinches at the fabric of his gloves. “I’ll just pass out if I inhale that shit, or worse. My blood pressure’s as messed up as the rest of me.”

Levi immediately throws the bottle in the trash. He hadn’t connected the dots: Anything involving a head-rush was a bad idea. “Forgive me. That was foolish. I only wished to help, but I…” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m very bad at this.”

Ace shrugs a shoulder, trying to project nonchalance without success.

What now? Levi deliberates his next move, traces back over what Ace said earlier, and lands on a possible way forward. He saunters close. “You don’t have to take your shirt off if you don’t wish to.” He tentatively touches Ace’s arm. “And I don’t have to be inside you to be satisfied. If part of your anxiety comes from the worry of disappointing me, please put those feelings aside.” Because no matter how this goes, it will inevitably fade, like every other so-called ‘important moment’.

“Laying it on thick, huh.” Ace mutters low, yet looks directly up at him, unflinching. “Don’t you dare ask me to get on my fucking knees for you. Not unless you finish me off first. We clear? Doesn’t matter how sweet you talk — I’m not letting you take advantage of me.”

Perhaps he wasn’t treated well in the past? Levi is too indifferent to inquire. “I promise I’ll take care of you. Although, technically speaking, I believe I already have.”

“Tch. Asshole.” Ace lightly punches his arm and nudges past him. “Let’s get somewhere more comfortable and…” He trails off as soon as he leaves the bathroom. “Heh. Candles, Levi? What is this, our wedding night?”

“Er, no. I believe one of us would need to successfully propose first, and then—”

“Oh forget it.” Ace cuts him off and flops back onto the bed. “Get over here and kiss me.”

Easy enough. Levi slides in next to him and leans down into his eager mouth. His tongue and teeth are different at this angle, their usual rhythm taking on a new dimension now that they’re lying down. This isn’t something Levi would have bothered to observe until recently, and to his surprise it adds a layer of enjoyment. He cups his hand along Ace’s hip, warm skin over sharp bone. A shiver runs between them.

Ace pulls back just enough to speak, “All your pretty outfits, all the time and energy and thought you put into them… and all I wanna do is take ‘em off.”

“Is that so.” It takes a beat, but Levi registers that he’s asking for permission. “Go ahead and strip me then. Take apart my hard work. I’d like that.”

Ace sits up quick, looking downright giddy, so Levi expects to be divested of his clothing within seconds. But that isn’t what happens. Ace starts with his accessories, unclasping bracelets and untying the small scarf from around his neck. He sets them on the end table so they don’t get lost in the sheets. This strange politeness extends to his black denim vest and the shirt beneath. Ace takes pause, hovering above him, eyes combing over his bare chest. 

“Damn. You have a nipple ring and everything.” He thumbs over it, the gloves providing an interesting, smooth sensation. His expression eases a nebulous coil of tension in Levi’s core: There’s certainly heat in that gaze, but no trace of reverence. Only simple desire. “You definitely already know how hot you are, but fuck, it’s actually insane. You sure you’re real?”

“Well, yes. At least I think so.”

Ace raises a brow. “Uh, you think so? What’s with the lack of confidence?”

Levi hesitates, but confides, “Sometimes, it all feels like a dream — especially moments of a more intimate nature.” He can’t elaborate further. “So if I do something that you dislike, please tell me, and be very clear about doing so. Saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’… may not be enough.”

“Got it. Let’s see…” Ace, who is somehow unfazed by this latter admission, brushes over Levi’s belt buckle but doesn’t unclasp it yet. “How about this:” His mouth quirks in a smile. “If I’m not into it, I’ll pinch you really fucking hard. You know, to snap you out of the dream.”

Levi nods and files this important signal away. “A hard pinch. That should work.” Ace resumes his task, unbuckling Levi’s belt and unzipping his jeans. “As far as my piercings are concerned, you’ll soon see that my courage has its limits.”

“What, no dick piercing? Sheesh, spoilers much?” Ace hooks his fingers under the waistband of Levi’s boxers, pulling down everything at once. He stops to stare. Maybe the situation catches up to him, because his face reddens considerably. “Earlier you said that we can do anything and it’d be fine, but…” He skates a glove up Levi’s thigh. “I wanna feel you inside me real bad.”

Ace always looks hungry no matter how he tries to hide it. But now his appetite is on full display, free of shame in a way that makes Levi ache. “I want that too.”

“Guess that means we should go for it then.” He leans back to deliberate.

“Would you like me to finger you?”

“Uh…” Clear hesitation. Ace shakes his head. “Nah. Not this time.” He narrows his eyes at his gloves, and Levi understands that they have a new problem: The gloves can’t come off while they’re together like this, an unspoken rule, but Ace likely doesn’t want to soil them either. Only one solution comes to mind.

Levi reaches for the end table, plucks the scarf out from the pile of accessories and hands it to Ace. “Blindfold me.”

“Huh?”

“That way you can have privacy, but I can also remain to help you relax.”

Ace bites his lip, seeming as though he might protest, but ends up relenting: “You’d seriously do that?” 

“Yes. Gladly.” Whatever moves things along. 

“All right.” He reaches out and veils the world. “If you’re sure.”

Now that he’s in the dark, unarmed, exposed, Levi is forced to acknowledge that he does, in fact, trust Ace (or at least trusts that he’s too cowardly to try anything severe). And as their lips touch, he must acknowledge one thing more: He doesn’t mind the act of surrendering. To Ace specifically, he can’t be sure. 

Throughout their kiss he tests snaking a hand under Ace’s shirt, only to receive a pinch. He withdraws. Welcome guidance. Ace drives him back until he’s sitting up against the headboard and climbs into his lap. His gloveless hands rove over Levi’s body for the first time. Rough fingers and palms, intimate and invisible. Levi’s next breath quakes at the edges. Without his sense of sight, every other sensation slashes into him.

Sounds join the mix: The cap of the lubricant bottle clacking open, the crinkle of a condom wrapper. Levi expects Ace to touch him and roll the condom on, but instead hears a faint slicking noise. “Mm. So far so good.” He must have slipped the condom over his fingers. “Maybe it’s the moody candles, or maybe something else — but it’s easier now.”

“Good to hear.” Levi feels over him blind, splays his fingers over Ace’s sternum and comments, “This restless heart of yours… I can always feel it racing when we’re close. It suits you.”

Pressure settles on Levi’s chest in return. “Huh. You’re pretty excited too, aren’t you.”

“Of course,” Levi answers, “I want to know how it feels to sink into you.”

Ace buries his face into his shoulder, letting out a weak, muffled grunt. So terribly vulnerable, trembling as he works himself open. He’s never been easier to hold. Or easier to destroy. Levi burns with thoughts of what he could so easily do.

It isn’t long before another condom wrapper crinkles from the end table. This time Ace rolls it on, stroking a coat of lubricant over him, his pace searingly slow. “Are you taunting me?”

“Does it feel like I am?” He teases back, circling his thumb over the tip.

“Yes. It’s rather cruel of you.” Levi finds his knee, traces a line up the inside of his thigh and feels over his hard cock, hot to the touch and already weeping for release. Pathetic. “If you’d like, I can be cruel as well.” Taking a chance, he grabs on and works Ace over hard and fast. The expected pinch doesn’t arrive. Instead the room is filled by the sound of Levi’s hand slicking over him, followed shortly by audible, heavy breathing. “Hm. Are you going to cum for me again?”

“Shut your goddamn mouth.” Ace withdraws, all tension, his voice harsh as though he’s speaking through clenched teeth, “Gonna sit on your dick now.” Without any further preamble he shuffles around and eases down slow. Levi’s tip is swallowed and constricted by a heat sweeter than candy. A low, aggrieved noise rumbles out of Ace’s throat. He stops. “Okay. This is… a lot.”

On the contrary, it’s not enough. Levi sheathes himself in the rest of the way. 

“Agh! You impatient fuckface!” But again, no pinch, so perhaps he hadn’t minded that bit of selfishness. 

“Sorry about that.” Levi apologizes, not meaning a word of it, then remembers that he should check in: “How are you feeling?”

“Full as hell,” comes a shaky murmur, “but it’s good.” He wastes no time and begins to move, a gentle up and down to start. “Yeah, you’re a nice fucking fit.”

With the amount of lube he’d applied, each slide in and out sounds vile; a blade slipping into warm guts. Levi twitches inside him and hums appreciatively, gripping into the bedsheets to control himself. “I want to see you.” No answer. Ace finds a rhythm and bounces on him, the world continuously shrinking into tight friction. “Ace.”

“Relax. I heard you.” There’s a rustle as Ace feels along the bed, likely for his gloves. Levi holds his hips to steady him. “Okay. Go ahead.” His voice is terse between each push. “Take the… stupid thing off.”

Levi reaches back and unties the blindfold. And stares.

Ace is facing away, his narrow waist and ass on prominent display. His legs are doing all of the work between them. Due to the nature of his training and profession, he’d probably be able to keep this position up for hours. “You’re riding me so well.” Levi watches himself slip in and out. Admiration sparks through him. “Of course you are. Damn.”

Ace slams himself down rough enough for their skin to clap. “Heh. Guess my shitty talent… is good for something after all.” He peers over his shoulder. His face in profile lingers between a fucked-out haze and a barbed challenge. “You ready for the finish line, Levi?” He speeds up. Sweat glitters gold in the candlelight off his thighs and down his neck, makes his t-shirt stick to the jagged, sawtooth blade of his spine. Levi grits his teeth, shuts his eyes and returns to the dark. But it doesn’t help much. He likes what Ace is doing; how direct and to-the-point he is. Even his noises hit a deep chord. The way he hisses and spits and curses makes it unclear whether he’s enraptured or agonized.

The lines blur. Levi stops holding back.

He hooks an arm around Ace’s chest and yanks him backward, forcing him off-balance. “Hey! What the hell are you—?” He starts to fight back, until Levi thrusts up into him. 

“I’m going to fuck you in earnest now. Is that a problem?”

The complaints stop after that. Levi jabs into him again and again and again, using his hole for everything it’s worth. He has Ace’s torso in a vise grip with one arm and pries one of his legs back with the other, spreading him wide open. This is a nice angle too; an over-the-shoulder view of Ace’s body, his cock drooling with every thrust.

Fucking him feels like the adrenaline of stealing a car, of bruised knuckles and bloodied teeth. The flash of a pocketknife in a back alley. The smell of gasoline and flare of a match.

All the while, his voice pitches with need: “You god damn son of a bitch, you fucking cock-sucking shit-eating bastard — fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!” Ace arches back, pressing his face into the side of Levi’s neck. He looses a shout so blood-curdling and anguished it sounds like he’s about to die.

Levi stabs into him one last time.

And for a moment, buried and palpitating and warm, he believes he’s capable of love like everyone else.

He likes to indulge in illusions now and then, as fleeting and foolish as they may be.

They emerge from it gasping. Ace lets them both linger in the sensations and silence. An ideal quality, because Levi likes to float in the afterglow uninterrupted. He runs his fingers through his partner’s hair and tries to map these warm, fuzzy feelings onto him. It doesn’t work. Worth a try.

Still, he murmurs in Ace’s ear, “I think you and I are going to have a lot of fun together.”

“Hell yeah we are,” Ace answers, turns his head and brushes Levi’s lips in a languid kiss. He hovers close after the fact. One second his eyes flicker with uneasy tenderness, the next he rolls off and begins cleaning himself with tissues, face averted.

“It’s rather late.” Levi disposes of his condom in a nearby trashcan, then studies the view from the dorm’s window. It must be past midnight by now. “I know that my room isn’t far, but I was wondering if I might sleep here tonight.” People do such things when they're close, don't they?

Ace shrugs. “Sure. Whatever.” He holds out the hem of his t-shirt and pauses. “Man. What a huge fucking mess. Guess I should’ve expected that.” In a strange turn, he peels the shirt over his head and throws it across the room. He turns partially, likely to gauge Levi’s reaction.

His eyes say it all: Go on. Make a fucking comment. I dare you.

Levi doesn’t take the bait. Instead he leans closer to get a better look. What he finds is a monument dedicated to pain and hunger; battlegrounds of muscle and bone wrought and ravaged into form by sweat and discipline.

For the second time tonight, Ace’s magnetism is impossible to dismiss. It cuts through each second and makes time itself bleed along his razored edges. Yet telling him this, even a fraction of it, will only make him angry. So Levi thinks carefully. Instead of telling him a truth he’ll perceive as a lie, Levi cooks up a lie he’ll hopefully perceive as the truth: 

“I like you, Ace. Today was quite special.”

A flinch. Ace looks at him with a hurt as quick and flickering as his tenderness had been. He pulls away to make a circuit around the room, pinching out each candle one by one. Naked and frail in the growing shadows, everything laid bare except for his hands.

Levi has made another mistake, but he can’t grasp the shape of it. “I apologize. Did I cross a boundary?”

“No.” Ace comes back to bed and stretches out on his back, staring at the ceiling. “It’s fine.” He’s unusually blank.

Levi reclines next to him. His attention wanders back to the window. “Oh. It’s snowing.” A rarity for November. Ace rolls onto his side to look.

“Huh. Weird.” As though the sight of it brings on a sudden chill, he shimmies under the covers. Levi inches close and holds him from behind. “It’s kinda pretty when the snowflakes are all big and floaty like that.”

“Yes. It’s peaceful.”

They watch the snow glide to earth without a sound. It falls and falls. The flakes pirouette through the air. No matter how close they circle one another, no matter how artful the dance, they never touch, whispering down to the uniform, empty ground.

Chapter Text

Levi takes an old guitar out from the storage closet, brings it to the living room, dusts it off and tunes it. The way he feels about music used to be the same way he felt about fashion — yet one hobby launched him into his future, while the other fell by the wayside. He’s never considered the degradation of his guitar-playing to be a great loss, but now an old silence has returned, ushering an equally old urge back to the fore.

Even basic chords are difficult now. The callouses and muscle memory that came from steady practice are gone. Nevertheless, enough remnants of skill remain to pass the time and make the space feel lively. He picks away at idle melodies that turn into halfway-songs. It engrosses him so deeply that he jumps when his phone vibrates.

It’s time for their weekly check-in.

Levi sets the guitar aside and answers. “Hello, Ace.”

He’s in bed on his back, damp hair slicked back from his face. Maybe he’d just stepped out of the shower? “Hey, hot stuff.” A slow, lazy smile forms around the words, giving him a gentler look than he’d likely intended. “Good week?”

“It wasn’t bad, so I suppose that means it was good. I’ve been keeping myself occupied, at least.” Levi’s reply is flat. Nothing positive or negative has happened, and the monotany shows. “How are you?”

“Meh, I was in rough shape from training, but I’m better now that I’ve had a bath. Remember how you used to take baths with me sometimes at the rental? The apartment is great and all, but that’s one thing I kinda miss about the old place. When we save up enough and move again let’s find somewhere with a fancy bathroom.”

Levi hasn’t thought about that for a long time. The rental had been their first home when they were fresh out of Hope’s Peak. “Yes. I’d like that. Baths at the apartment aren’t quite the same.”

“Yeah man, ‘cause you don’t fit — you’ve gotta curl up in that bathtub all awkward like a fucking pill bug,” Ace remarks around a grin. It fades when his focus centers off of Levi. “What the… I totally thought you sold that thing.”

Levi follows his attention to the guitar. “I considered it, but I don’t regret keeping it now. It’s a nice pastime to go back to on occasion.” He thinks more deeply, and adds, “Your absence leaves certain gaps in my schedule. I’ve had to make minor adjustments to how I spend my time — swapping out one activity for another.”

Ace lifts a brow. “So I’m on the same level as a hobby to you?”

“Hmm…” Levi considers his notebook with Ace’s meal table, and all the other notes he remembered to scrawl down over the years. It’s surprisingly apt: Knowing Ace is a skill he’s still on his way to mastering. “Yes, I suppose you’re like a personal project.”

Ace crooks an arm behind his head, and even though he smiles it doesn’t soften the rest of his tired features. “Play me something.”

“I don’t remember any songs, unfortunately.”

“Doesn’t have to be a song. It can just be whatever.”

“Oh. In that case…” Levi sets the phone on the coffee table, propping it up against a glass of water, and sets the guitar back over his lap. He strums a few soft melodies, wandering into minor chords, resolving them in sevenths — straggling pieces of bossa nova standards he once knew floating scattered in his memory like wreckage on ocean waves; sentiments that could never assemble into a shape that would reach him. But Ace shuts his eyes anyway, and listens to what’s there.

He remarks, “Sounds sorta romantic. Doesn’t suit you at all.”

Levi fingers his way through descending chords. “That used to be the point.”

“So you were one of those.”

“Music can make a very effective statement, like clothing.” He used to hide behind these soft, sentimental sounds, but now they ring with a melancholy he can’t place.

“What would it even sound like if you tried to write a love song — you know, the thing all musicians do? Really can’t picture it,” Ace muses, his eyes still closed. “Let’s see… It’d be called something like, ‘I’m Literally Incapable of Loving You’, or some shit.”

“That sounds more akin to a break-up song.” Levi finds a progression, creating a blend of softness and sorrow. In these moments, it’s hard to tell if Ace is making an accusation by reminding him of what he can’t provide, or if he’s simply being candid and open about Levi’s true nature. Maybe the distinction will become clear someday. Or maybe there isn’t one.

“Love songs fucking suck anyway.”

“Lyrically speaking, I can’t help but agree — though in my case, it’s because I’ve never understood them.”

“Right…” Ace drifts into himself. “You’re lucky. I’ve probably said it before, but it’s true.”

“Lucky?”

“That you don’t have to deal with shit like love.”

Levi has heard this type of interpretation before. Coming from Ace, it’s a bit discouraging. “Then, you consider it a burden?”

“I mean, it is. I’m hauling around the weight of you all the time,” Ace answers frankly. “Sometimes it’s the kinda weight that keeps me on the ground, and other times it’s so fucking heavy it hurts.” He tries to laugh, but it’s the joyless kind he only ever lets out to release tension. “You’re the one for me, but it’s always gonna be complicated.”

“The one for you…” Levi mulls the statement over.

“Don’t say it like it’s some kinda crazy plot twist. By the time October rolls around again it’ll have been a whole fucking decade of you and me. What else did you think would happen after sticking with me for this long?”

“That tone you’re using… Am I meant to apologize?” Levi teases, “I don’t feel remorse for my decisions regarding you, and that includes how long I’ve kept you around.”

Ace smirks. “Man. I wanna yank you through this stupid screen and give you a big, disgusting kiss; one with way too much tongue and way too much spit.”

He knows the kind. Despite how unappealing Ace makes them sound, Levi enjoys when his kisses have passion behind them; enough passion for the both of them. “I’d like that too.” They take a beat to examine each other, so close but so far apart — perhaps it’s how they’ve always been, though it’s easier to ignore when they can touch one another. “Earlier, you mentioned carrying around the weight of me,” Levi speaks up, ducking his gaze to pluck another listless chord. “It’s likely very different at its core, but I can feel you as well.” It isn’t heavy, but he’s sure it’s there.

“I mean, you’ve said before that you feel like you have some kinda ‘duty’ towards me. For you, it’s probably more like a weight of obligation, right?”

Levi considers how he felt on his birthday after arriving home from the club. The word ‘obligation’ doesn’t line up, but since he can’t think of what else it might be, he concedes, “Yes. I suppose that makes sense.”

“Of course it does,” Ace asserts, but his confidence is undercut by a sudden yawn. “Okay… I should probably turn in.” Yet he hesitates. “Play for me a little more. Just for a few minutes.”

Levi nods and resumes his practice, changing up the strumming patterns. On the other end of the phone and the other end of the world, Ace turns out the light. The angle shifts. He’s on his side, lit blue in the dark, the phone likely propped on a bedside table. He looks peaceful. If he was within reach, Levi would gently run a hand through his damp hair. The guitar twangs subdued notes under his touch as unsung words pass through his mind:

A lingering ache, this weight that isn’t love.

Ace shuts his eyes.

A sharpened bite, the caress of a glove.

His breathing slows.

A menthol kiss, your battered and scar-marked face.

He falls asleep.

You’ve twisted and torn a place in me, Ace.

Levi sets the guitar aside. He watches his partner at rest, and ends the call.

Chapter Text

Warm April daylight drapes golden across the apartment’s neglected balcony. Levi surveys the space. The plants he’d bought last spring and set out here have all withered — he’d forgotten about them completely. At the time, he’d reasoned that if he could live alongside someone as finicky as Ace, the skill might transfer to finicky houseplants as well. Plants, however, did not mope or shout or make their presence impossible to ignore, so he really should have expected this outcome.

“Hey, earth to Levi? Hello?” Ace complains from the other end of the screen, teasing one last unruly strand of hair into place. “I think I’m done getting ready now. Fucking finally. How do I look?” He steps back from his phone for an assessment. “Still like a starved sewer rat probably, but maybe less than usual?” Levi’s wandering attention is pierced in place. Ace is in a suit and tie ensemble; a rare level of polish. The sleek tailoring draws attention to the wiry slant of his waist.

“You look very nice.”

Ace glares. “You’re doing that thing. The robot thing. If I look like shit, then tell me.”

“Ah, no, that wasn’t my intention.” Levi touches his throat. Instead of hyper-focusing on his tone of voice, he simply carries on, “I haven’t seen you in formal wear for quite some time. When we were younger it still looked good on you, but now that some years have passed… You’ve aged into this style extremely well.”

“Oh. So I’m a handsome, high-class sewer rat then?”

“The most handsome of them all,” Levi plays along. “A sex symbol among sewer rats, one might say.” Ace snickers at that. His rakish expression combined with the sophistication of everything else makes Levi want to fuck him badly. “Take the jacket off.”

His sly expression slides apologetic. “Look, I’d totally strip for you if I had more time, but I’ve gotta run soon.”

“Just the jacket then.” Levi leans over the balcony railing. “Tease me.”

“Well if you’re gonna be that desperate…” Ace shrugs off the jacket and tosses it onto the hotel bed behind him. “There. That’s all you’re getting.” He rolls up his sleeves, a hint of color in his cheeks. Levi imagines crossing the room to unbutton his black waistcoat, loosening the smooth silk of his tie, making a mess of his carefully styled hair.

“Come closer.”

Ace wanders up to the phone and slumps into the chair he’d occupied previously, shifting his weight into one of the armrests, a portrait of aloofness. “The brand rep said I could keep the suit if I want,” he comments, resting his cheek in his fist with a lazy smile. “Since you like it so much, I think I will.”

Levi takes in his partner with a squeeze of arousal. “May I get a screenshot of you?”

“Why the hell are you being so polite about it? Go for it I guess.” His gaze flicks away, insecure. Then he stares straight into the phone’s camera and spreads his legs. Levi captures it all.

“That’s nice. Keep going.”

Ace hesitates. He splays a hand over one of his thighs, the other creeping up his chest. “Like this?”

“Yes. Just like that.”

He fondles at the knot of his tie, hips arching as he palms himself through his pants. After all this time, Levi has never merely watched him this way before, accustomed to being able to indulge every sense. Touch him. Taste him. Ace isn’t the type to put on a show either, more inclined to push Levi to the main event as quickly as possible. “Damn. This is kinda hot. Are you thinking about fucking me? Been a while since I’ve made you cum, hasn’t it.”

Levi nods. “Yes. Too long.”

“Yeah, never this long, ever — not since this whole thing started.” Over a month has gone by, an unprecedented dry spell between them. “Do you wanna, maybe, try the whole ‘long distance sex’ thing or whatever? I know you could probably take it or leave it, and talking’s fine too, but I…” The sentence dies away in his throat. For once, Levi can guess how it would have ended.

“I’d like that," he answers. "Let’s try it.”

“Okay.” A new light livens his partner's eyes. "When I get back from this stupid press event, I’ll give you another call, all right?”

“Sounds good.”

Ace picks up the phone, probably to hang up, but hesitates. “Hey, did that birthday present ever show up? Kinda been a while since I sent it.”

“Nothing has arrived yet.”

“Damn, really? Hope it didn’t get lost on the way or something.” He stands up, the screen wobbling. “Anyway, I’ve seriously gotta run now. Later, Levi.” And he disappears, leaving Levi in a half-hard daze. He turns from the porch rail and wanders back inside. Jerking off would be the obvious solution, but he opts for a movie instead. Whenever a dull, interpersonal section comes up between the characters, he takes out his phone and scrolls through the screenshots he’d taken.

His heart beats faster.

⤝❖⤞

Night falls. Right as Levi settles into bed, his phone buzzes. He scrambles for it in the sheets shamelessly, having tormented himself all evening with fragments of Ace: The tendons of his throat flexing, the muscular firmness of his thighs, how his lashes weigh heavy and rich over his eyes when all he wants is to be fucked and fucked and fucked.

Levi has never fantasized about Ace before. Or anyone specific for that matter, normally preferring faceless bodies. He’s surprised and disturbed by the effectiveness of the exercise.

“Hey there.” Ace appears on-screen in his hotel bed, his suit and hair rumpled after what must have been a long night. One side of him is cast gold from the bedside lamp, the other side is muted in pre-dawn blues from light streaming in through the window. He hasn’t slept and it shows. So irresistibly rough.

“Take your clothes off.”

Ace barks out a laugh. “Ha! Straight to business. Not even gonna ask how anything went, huh.” He props and stabilizes his phone at the end of the bed through means Levi can’t discern. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re honest.” His fingers weave as he unbuttons the jacket, shrugging it off and tossing it aside. “The whole time at that stupid press event, I kept thinking about the look on your face — the one from earlier.”

“What kind of look was it?”

He feels over himself, knees spread open, hands creeping higher and higher up his waistcoat. They stop at the top button. “The one you get when I have something you want. That look. It makes me wanna fight you until you hold me down. Know what I mean?” He teases at the button, silver sparking between his fingers.

“I do.” Every ragged edge of him flashes in — teeth and nails and insults, years of them lashing Levi onward to pleasure. “But at the moment, I cannot physically subdue you. We’ll have to use other means to entice one another.” Ace stalls in his fidgeting. “Is something amiss?”

He runs a hand through his hair, combing loose strands off his brow. “It’s just… I have no clue how to… I’m not an enticing kinda guy, okay? I just go for it, without all that seduction shit.”

It’s always a challenge at new thresholds. Levi takes a moment to think his next words through. “I happen to appreciate your straightforward methods. However, my attraction to you hinges on more than the ways you touch me. You may not think you’re enticing anywhere else, but I disagree.”

“Mm hm.” He already looks skeptical.

Instead of pressing forward on the same track, Levi tries a different tactic: “You packed your earphones, did you not?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Go and get them. I want you to listen to me closely.” Levi reaches for his own and slips them in. Ace raises a brow, but does the same. “There. Can you hear me?”

“Yeah. I hear you.”

He sounds close, and everywhere. “Good.” Levi unzips the tight sweater he’s wearing, keeping his focus firmly locked on Ace. “The first time we had sex, it was your voice that tipped me over the edge.”

“Huh. Seriously?”

“I like how you sound when you’re desperate.” Levi turns and props the phone on the bedside table. He shrugs off the sweater, then reaches back and pulls off his t-shirt in one smooth motion. “It’s the way you keep fighting, trying to sound angry even when you’re climaxing — as though you find it reprehensible how good I can make you feel.” He shuts his eyes and toys with one of his nipples the way he’s accustomed to, pretends his hand is slender and merciless and not his own. “You’re so stubborn, Ace.” His hands glide down to the purple leather of his belt. When only a hum of silence comes through, he opens his eyes. Ace is staring. His expression is closed off, difficult to interpret. “That first time… What did I do to make you sound like that?”

“I mean, it’s not complicated: You slammed my prostate to hell and back. It was scary, and it fucking ruled. Still does.” He clasps at his shoulder, a faint smile softening his face. “But back then, what really got me going and made me cum… It was when you grabbed me and went crazy — treating me like I was made to be used and fucked by you. Like you were starving and couldn’t hold back anymore.”

“I was.” Levi unclasps his belt and zips down his jeans. “And I am. Would you like to see?”

“Hell yeah. Show me.”

He pushes down his pants and boxers past his knees. His erection springs loose, and Ace releases a breath — it sounds so close Levi can almost feel it, his skin prickling with phantom sensations. “Do you understand now?” He strokes over himself, a massage-like pace to start. “Take off your clothes for me, Ace.”

“Fuck. Okay.” He starts with the buttons of his waistcoat, one at a time. With a roll of his shoulders it slips down his back and off his arms. He works on the knot of his tie next. “We’ve messed around with ties a lot. Blindfolds, restraints, strangling… They’re pretty handy.” He slips it off with a swish, studying the navy silk folded over his palm. “If you were here, I’d loop this around the back of your neck and pull you closer.”

“For a kiss?”

“Maybe just to get a good look, or maybe I’d drag you in and bite you.”

“Mm. You would definitely bite. You’re quite a hassle.”

“It must do something for you though, otherwise you wouldn’t stick around.” Ace leans back on one of his palms, using his free hand to idly unbutton his formal shirt. “Makes it more fun when you put me in my place, right?”

“Is that how you see it?” Levi watches the shirt come off, dreams up the texture of his scar-dented skin. “I thought it was the other way around. You always give me permission to run wild, and you’re the one who decides how much is too far.”

Ace reclines suggestively onto his side, toying at the bulge in his slacks. “Could be. Maybe it’s both.”

It isn’t a mere ‘maybe’. Levi knows it’s true: They both fall into what they need most when it’s like this, the two of them, talking with their bodies because words only open rifts. So they dress the shape of what they are with their hands, with their mouths, the slipping of skin like tightening the seam of an old garment that keeps them both warm.

Ace rolls over, bends his back and lowers his pants and boxers down the curve of his ass and thighs. All the while his head is turned, eyes fixed on Levi with a want so brutal it claws into his core through the screen. “I hate feeling full, unless it’s this, and it’s with you.” He reaches over the rumpled sheets and lifts out a bottle of lubricant. Teasing, pressing in, fingering himself on camera. He’s self-conscious about it. Ace buries his face into the bed and moans into the mattress.

“Very nice.” Levi works himself faster, but the visual isn’t quite perfect: If he wanted nothing but a faceless body, he would simply imagine one. “Look at me.”

Ace obliges him and rolls onto his side, one arm still bent behind, the other stroking and stroking, his brow lined with concentration. “You like seeing me take myself apart — every shred of my dignity thrown in the fucking trash, all for you.” He flinches and shudders into a smile. “Feels so good. I like having you watch like a creep.”

It’s a blissful look Levi has seen a hundred times or more over the years. Yet it punctures him now in a hot, silver curve like never before. “Ace…” That expression, loose and carefree, would be meaningless on anyone else. It hits so hard because it’s him.

Levi can’t process what it means, and doesn’t care. An overwhelmed noise escapes. He teeters at the brink.

“Oh… fuck yeah, Levi. Let me see you cum.”

His body obeys. During that clench and release, his heart obeys in tandem and fades away.

When he throbs back down, fist wet, the afterglow is particularly warm. It simmers as he continues to study Ace. A small lump beats inside, a nebulous certainty that only grows more insistent the longer he watches his partner touch himself. Ace, tense, hand beating fast and frantic, racing now to the point of exerting himself pink. His hips buck, and he spills over the bedsheets with a breathless curse.

“Well done,” Levi murmurs, because he can’t look away.

“Shut the fuck up.” Ace blushes and rolls onto his back.

They stay silent for a while. Ace balls up the top-sheet he’d made a mess of, tosses it aside and sinks back into the bed.

Levi observes, “That was different.”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you. I enjoyed it.”

“Heh, okay? It’s not like I did any of this for you, so I don’t need any of your fake, forced gratitude.” Ace gives him a mischievous look. “Since we can both get off from it though… we might as well do something like this again sometime, yeah?”

“Might as well,” Levi repeats back, licking the taste of himself off his fingers.

“I thought this wouldn’t work. You know, this type of indirect shit. You sorta surprised me — didn’t think you’d finish, to be honest.”

Levi tilts his head. “Why not?”

Ace shrugs. “Dunno. Just didn’t.” He reaches for the phone. “Gonna go now. The sun is coming up where I’m at.”

“Oh. Yes. Get some rest, Ace.”

“See ya.”

In a flash he’s gone again. Levi wipes himself down with a tissue and sprawls out on his back, staring at the ceiling. He’s restless now, because suddenly his body is expecting something else: Pliant weight in the bed next to him; the scent of Ace and himself mingled in the sheets; the slow, deep rhythm of his breathing before he falls asleep, like soothing waves. Little things the years had transformed into certainties. Little things that should be devoid of any meaning.

⤝❖⤞

He wakes up unsettled, as though his core has slipped fractionally out of place. While he’s making breakfast, standing by the blender as it runs, a realization snaps Levi awake: This is the type of thing he would normally share with Ace. He pours out the smoothie into a glass and stares at it. Strange. He’d made it without thinking.

Levi shrugs and drinks it. The flavor is oddly comforting.

Chapter Text

He hadn’t expected to see Whit again so soon.

“Yo!” A typical greeting of his, followed by a casual wave and a grin. Levi mimics his performance in more muted tones. “Thanks for taking me up on the invite! For me this is just boring work stuff, so I thought I’d make a day of it — more fun that way. Who knows, you might learn something that’ll help you ace your love life! Heh.”

“Ha. Right.” Levi indulges the joke with a polite smile (he hopes). His focus wanders to the glass entrance of the community center. “Are the others inside?”

“Yep! Eden, Hu and Min are just grabbing drinks at the pop-up cafe in there. Shall we?” He waves Levi along. They climb the stone steps up to the revolving door.

“I’m somewhat curious…” Levi attempts a conversation. “What prompted you to invite me to this lecture?”

“My reason? Uh, ‘cause you’re cool, and I was feeling nostalgic for the good old days? Other than that, it seemed like a no-brainer to invite people who’d actually be able to put a ‘lecture on love’ to good use. It’s crazy though — I didn’t expect so many of you guys to actually bite! Must be my boundless charisma.”

“Hmm.”

“Wow, just ‘hmm’?” Whit elbows him. “What, it wasn’t my charm and top-tier sense of humor that lured you in?”

Definitely not, though Levi knows better than to voice that thought aloud. “The lecture itself seemed as though it would be informative — and it is beneficial to reinforce old connections from time to time.”

“Riiight.” Whit throws him a knowing side-eye. “In other words, you were just super, mega bored.”

Levi admits around a falsely sheepish smile, “I’ve been found out.”

“Thought so!” They search the community center’s main lobby. Their other former classmates are seated around a table at the edge of the room, chatting amicably. Whit drags him over. “Look who I found!” He presents Levi as though he’d simply been passing by. “I figured this crew was in dire need of some muscle, so… Voila!”

“Levi! It’s so good to see you!” Eden welcomes him with the same bright smile from years ago. She pushes up from her chair. “Can I give you a hug?”

“Oh. All right.” She gives him a brief clasp. “Hello, Eden.” In the past she’d been a very helpful person to learn from, so he’s fine with seeing her again. Whit pulls a couple more chairs around the table and they all sit down. “Hu. Min. It’s been quite some time,” Levi addresses the others. He performs a double-take with Hu. “You’re pregnant.”

“With my second,” Hu elaborates.

“Congratulations.” Best to stick to the script. He glances back to Min and corrects his earlier statement, “Actually, I suppose we’ve seen one another recently, Min. Only last year.”

“Thank you for the ride back then,” Min acknowledges. It’s still strange being able to see her eyes, though shorter hair suits her well.

Hu asks, “A ride? Did you happen to run into one another?”

Min explains, “I was catching up with Ace. When it got dark, Levi dropped by and picked us up.”

“Oh.” Hu is visibly taken aback for a moment. “That’s… unexpected.”

Eden pipes up, “It’s sweet that you two still make time for your friendship.”

“I think ‘friendship’ is a strong word,” Min tells her, a finger poised. “It’s more like we use one another to complain. It hasn’t changed much since our school days — including the fact I often have to prevent him from doing stupid things. Last time he tried to threaten a duck at the park, and said it was because he had ‘goose trauma to settle’. We ended up arguing about ducks and geese for a good hour or so.”

“I dunno Min,” Whit interjects, “sounds like classic buddy stuff to me.”

Then Hu adds, “Frankly, it sounds exhausting. But it is Ace, so no surprises there. You’re very charitable, Min.” She glances at Levi. “My toddler is better behaved. I’m not sure how you manage.”

People frequently make assumptions about Ace. From the beginning Levi has only been able to muster indifference toward their poor opinions. “Strange,” he replies. “Shouldn’t a mother, such as yourself, understand the type of resiliency required for long-term commitments?”

He quickly realizes this was the wrong response.

But instead of getting cross, Hu offers a smile of utmost tranquility. “My apologies — that was a bit rude of me to say. I didn’t mean to strike a nerve. After all… striking a nerve with you in particular would be ill-advised, wouldn’t it.”

Levi’s jaw clamps.

“Yeesh.” Whit pulls at his collar. “Mom, dad, stop fighting!”

Eden checks her phone and points out, “Um. The lecture starts soon, right? Let’s go grab some seats in the auditorium! Levi, Whit, do either of you want to get a drink before it starts? This is probably your last chance.”

“Ooh, good point!” Whit jumps up. “Come on Levi, let’s get the caffeine flowing! Heh, I might fall asleep otherwise.” He drags Levi along yet again, not that he is opposed. Hu’s imperious expression as she sweeps away with Eden makes him want to punch something. When they get in line, they both notice Min standing behind them. “Oh, hey Min. Aren’t you gonna go with the others?”

“I would like more tea,” she replies. From afar, Hu glances back at her with an unreadable expression before disappearing into the auditorium.

“Okay. So. Levi.” Whit claps his hands together and sets them at his chin. “The possibility of there still being bad blood between you and Hu kind of, sort of, totally slipped my mind. Big oversight. My bad!”

“Bad blood?” Levi asks, “There is? Did I do something wrong?”

“No. Hu needs to get over herself,” Min says. “It was such a long time ago, and she isn’t even in contact with Nico anymore. At this point holding a grudge is pretty childish.” After a pause, she adds, “You can tell her I said that if you want.”

“No thank you!” Whit makes an X with his arms. “I like drama as much as the next guy, but it’s more fun when I’m not the one causing it, y’know?” They fall into a discussion, while Levi falls into his thoughts.

A grudge from a long time ago, involving Nico… It must be that incident. He’d almost forgotten about it entirely.

⤝❖⤞

After his last class of the day wraps up, Levi checks his phone and sees yet another of Ace’s lengthy, rambling text messages:

[ The bitch brigade totally tried to swoop in and steal our spot just now!! Like I was sitting here minding my business and they didn’t give a single puny microscopic SHIT, and then when I yelled at them to fuck off they called me a mouth-breathing, stunted excuse for a human being, wtf even is that??? I hate this school. Why can’t these fancy fucks just call me a dickhead and be done with it but no, they just looove the taste of their own shit, just can’t get enough of having their heads shoved so far up their own asses they’re like human donuts or something. I hope they choke on their rancid farts and die. ]

Levi sighs and types back: [ Yes. Very unfortunate. On my way. ] 

Ace has already started trouble in the cafeteria, it would seem. It’s one of those days. When Levi reaches the double doors and opens them, he isn’t surprised at all when the first thing he hears is shouting.

“If you hate me so much, why don’t you do something about it, huh?!” Ace is crowding Nico at the far end of the room. “Oh right, that won’t fucking happen, ‘cause all you know how to do is mumble insults behind my back!”

Levi strides forward to break up the altercation. Partway there, Nico’s stance shifts — tightly-strung body language he used to see often. It has only one meaning:

An urge to kill.

“Ace! Get back!” Levi speeds to a run as Nico swipes a steak knife off the nearest table, lets out a scream, and lunges for Ace’s throat.

Ace stumbles as Levi arrives and snatches Nico’s wrist. No mercy. They drop the knife with a cry. Dimensionless, red instinct takes over. Levi lifts their frail body off the ground — pitifully light and limp — and tosses them away without holding back. They crash brutally over a table and crumple to the floor.

Ringing in his ears. The rest is silence.

“Holy shit,” someone says. J? Irrelevant.

Levi turns to check on his partner. “Ace, are you hurt?” Ace stands there, wide-eyed and shaking. When he pulls his hand away from his throat there’s a streak of blood, but nothing to suggest a lethal injury.

“That bitch… they actually tried to kill me. What the fuck!”

“You’re wounded.” Levi steps closer to him, places a hand gently on his arm to try and keep him grounded. “We should get you patched up.” Yet Ace doesn’t register any of this, his focus fixed on a group of people who had gathered around Nico.

“Levi, how could you be so careless?!” Hu reprimands him, red with fury. “Their wrist is broken!”

“I’m suspecting a fractured rib here as well.” Arturo adds from behind her, still examining Nico closely. “Needless brutality from an ugly beast. It’s all too fitting.”

“Are you guys… for real?” Ace’s voice breaks. Yet he shouts anyway, “You bastards are gonna coddle that fucking murderer?! And go after Levi for saving my fucking life?! Wow. I had a feeling most of you wanted me dead, but still! What the hell!”

Hu shouts back, “You goaded Nico into violence! I don’t feel sorry for you one bit!” Her eyes flick to Levi as though to turn her ire back on him. Yet she must glimpse something in his face, because she recoils and says, “Don’t come near us.”

Levi puts an arm around Ace and turns for the door. “We’re leaving.” No one tries to stop them. Their footsteps echo down the corridor. Levi is about to turn the corner for the infirmary when Ace shrugs away.

“No. I wanna go back to my room. Or yours. Doesn’t matter.” He hugs his arms, blood pooling down and staining the collar of his shirt. “I can’t see anyone else, or I’ll lose it. I’m fucking done.”

Levi examines his neck. He has dealt with knife injuries before, and worse ones than this. “All right. I have a first-aid kit in my dorm. We can use that.” They leave the main building and head for the dorms instead, both of them quiet. There’s still ringing in Levi’s ears; the ringing that tolls for him to run, or destroy his enemies. Tuning it out is a conscious act.

Protecting Ace may have cost Levi his future. No one was supposed to get hurt after the murder charges were swept under the rug. A contract has now been broken, and he isn’t sure if he’ll be given another chance.

Tune it out, tune it out, tune it out…

It’s easier when they reach the stillness and safety of Levi’s room. He locks the door for good measure. “Sit on the bed, Ace. I’ll take care of things.” He ducks into the washroom, moving various hair products and colognes and a basket of nail polish aside to reach a med-kit, thus far unopened. Levi washes his hands thoroughly and heads back out. His partner is seated as instructed, subdued, staring into space. “Lift your head,” Levi says, crouching between his knees. “I’m going to clean you up.”

Ace complies, his mouth trembling. Levi wipes him down, forces away every bit of roughness and remembers how to be tender. When the cut is revealed, sanitized and then carefully patched, tears start rolling down Ace’s cheeks. They drip off his jaw and break hot onto Levi’s hands. He has only seen his partner cry once before, and it was different back then.

He tries to wipe the tears away. Ace flinches and smacks at his arm, so he leaves them to fall against the ridges of his knuckles.

Levi finishes dressing the wound and sits at his side. “I did not think Hu would turn against me like that. I thought she considered me a friend. Another misunderstanding on my part.” He places a hand over Ace’s fist on the bed. “At least we both have an ally we can rely on. It’s good that your wound wasn’t more serious.”

Ace leans in, pressing his forehead against Levi’s arm.

“It won’t be much longer,” Levi tries to assure him, and perhaps himself. “Soon we’ll graduate and move on from here.”

His words are as useless as usual. Ace shudders through the next few breaths. “Hey. Levi…?” He seems to wrestle with himself, his breathing uneven.

“Is something the matter?”

“It’s just…” His throat sounds so restricted he can hardly speak. “I love you. I know you don’t want that. I’m sorry.” Ace folds and breaks down sobbing.

Oh. How to respond? Levi can’t think of anything, so he simply turns and holds him, lets him cry and rage and choke on his own painful, burdensome heart. They curl around each other in the bed, a coil of blankets and limbs and fading adrenaline. No one knocks on the door. They’re safe. The past is the past and maybe it will hurt them later, but not now, not here, not as long as they hold on. It isn’t bad, having a warm body around at times like these.

After his partner wears himself out from feeling everything, Levi speaks up, “After we graduate… I would prefer it if we lived together.” He pauses when Ace freezes in his arms. It might be the wrong choice, but he continues on, “Would you also find that agreeable? I apologize if the timing to ask such a thing is less than ideal.”

“Stupid bastard.” Ace huddles further into his chest. “‘Course I’ll live with you. Fuck. Of course I will.” He snivels, though this time Levi senses it isn’t a bad thing. “Don’t know why you’d want that, but… let’s stick it out.”

And they do, until those sunlit classrooms, the dorms, the grounds with their gardens, and every other place and memory of their school days fade soft at the edges. The turbulence and turmoil from back then shakes out into nothing more than mere moments, lost in a blur of years gone by.

⤝❖⤞

The woman on stage elaborates on different classifications of love. Levi scribbles the odd note down even though none of it is useful. Still, he turns over words like ‘pragma’ in his mind. It sounds like what he has with Ace; a longstanding bond that isn’t passionate, but practical at its core.

If he has learned anything, the definition of ‘love’ can be stretched to suit anyone. Maybe it can even be stretched thin enough to include him. Yet the semantics don’t really matter in the end. He is outside the invisible boundary. He can move closer, but never cross it.

When he lifts his attention from his notes, he catches Hu watching him. She offers an uncertain smile. “It’s good that you’re doing that,” she whispers, nodding to the notebook. “It’s good you’re trying your best.”

Surely it’s an insult — it certainly feels like one — but Levi chooses to let it slide off. “It’s all any of us can do.”

“That’s true, isn’t it.”

A soft snore breaks into the conversation. Whit has fallen asleep in the seat next to Levi. “Ah, should I nudge him awake?” 

Hu nods, and they both chuckle as Whit snorts and flails back to life. He complains, “Aw, boo. I was having such a nice dream.”

“This is for your job, isn’t it?” Hu reprimands him, “Be responsible and stay awake.”

Min joins in, “You’re disrespecting the lecturer. Not okay, Whit.”

“I’m getting flashbacks,” Eden comments around a soft laugh. “Didn’t Charles used to smack you awake during class?”

Whit rubs the back of his head. “Right. Charles. I wonder how he’s doing?”

Everyone turns their attention back to the seminar.

Levi vaguely remembers a moment in their last year at Hope's Peak… Charles, his voice raised in anger and broken with tears. An argument of some sort, out in the dorm hallway. Ace had cracked the door open to eavesdrop of course, and Levi had ended up hovering next to him to witness the spectacle. It was all rather dramatic.

His reminiscing is cut off when the lecture concludes, so Levi pockets his notebook and prepares to leave alongside the others. When they rise, Hu goes rigid.

“Oh…” She blanches, keels forward and sets a hand on the seat in front of her. “Oh no.”

“Hu?” Eden touches her arm. “Are you okay?”

“It’s too early,” Hu asserts, more to herself than anyone. “It must be something else.”

“How far along are you?” Min asks, her posture straightening.

“Thirty five… weeks.” Hu’s legs shake, her eyes losing focus. “Too early. But…”

“It’s definitely not unheard of. If you’re preterm, then we should get to a hospital calmly and quickly. Did anyone drive here?”

“Wait, hold on, no freaking way!” Whit slaps his hands to his cheeks. “Hu, you’re actually having contractions right now? For real?”

“I think so.” Hu finally lets herself grimace.

“Your husband dropped you off, right? And Min and I both took the train…” Eden says, bouncing on her heels. “Oh my gosh, this is crazy!”

It seems there’s no other option. Levi raises his hand. “I can drive you. I’m parked nearby.”

A coldness blows through Hu’s expression, but she sighs it away. “All right. Let’s go.” They get moving in unison, supporting Hu out of the community center and into the parking lot. “Min, Eden…?”

“Don’t worry.” Eden helps her into the backseat and slides in next to her. “We’re with you. What else are friends for?”

Whit hovers outside the car. “I’ll see you off here. Unless…?”

“If you make a terrible or tasteless joke around me right now, I might actually snap your neck,” Hu states, her tone eerily blank.

“Ouch — that’s about what I thought.” Whit salutes. “Good luck, Hu! I can definitely be its godfather, right?” Hu reaches and slams the back door on him. “And that would be a no. Got it.”

Levi turns to him with a curt nod. “Take care, Whit.”

With that, they’re on their way. Min gives him directions to the hospital from the passenger seat while Hu calls her mother and tries to speak through fits of pain while Eden offers quiet reassurances. All of it layers into a chaotic babble. Levi releases a breath when they pull up to the hospital doors.

“Thank you… for bringing me here.” Hu leans into Eden’s support. “I believe I owe you a favor after this, Levi.”

“Hm.” A favor would mean interacting with her more than necessary, so he says, “No need. I hope the delivery goes well.” 

She nods and hobbles her way inside. Eden calls back over her shoulder, “Bye, Levi!”

Min ducks out of the car and goes to hurry after them, but stops and turns. “There’s a bit of amniotic fluid on the back seat of your car. I tried to wipe some of it with tissues, but you may want to do a second pass.” Then she raises her hand awkwardly and scurries away.

For a good while Levi can only stand in the aftermath, beyond baffled at everything that just occurred. With a deep sigh, he runs a hand through his hair and texts Ace to postpone their usual call to a later hour. He needs a break from people, at least until the sun goes down.

⤝❖⤞

“The first time you told me you loved me, you apologized.” Levi speaks into the cold surface of the phone. It’s nighttime. He’s sitting on a bench overlooking the pier, reflected lights layered over ocean waves roiling into a black sky. After cleaning his car from the strange events prior, he’d wandered aimlessly, lost on how to spend the rest of his day. “I’m not sure why you thought it would upset me.”

Ace is quiet on the other side.

“It’s dawn for you there, correct?” Levi changes the subject. “Have you eaten breakfast?”

“Not enough time — I got up too late and had to run,” Ace answers. “There’s an apple in my bag though, I think. Whatever.” Another wordless beat, this one filled with a tinny rumble as he boards a bus, or a train perhaps. “That was such a shitty day. Haven’t thought about that whole murder attempt in forever. You really came through back then though. Could’ve been way worse. Hell, I would’ve been dead probably.”

Levi notes, “Many of the misadventures we’ve had… they would have never happened.”

“Psh, you talk like ‘misadventures’ are a fucking good thing.”

“They are, in retrospect. I learned that from you.”

“Huh. You sure that’s not a coping mechanism to deal with my bullshit?”

“I’m sure.”

More than sure.

Levi searches the vast, churning water and sends himself over the sea to where the dawn is breaking. He drifts in spirit to where Ace has risen and started the same routine again, like a tired phoenix shaking off its own ashes. Levi tries to occupy the same train or bus or taxi with him and sees the morning sun glinting rapid across far-off city spires that stretch up like arms extended, reaching for nothing, or for an idea of a ‘someday’ that never arrives. Like life: ‘Someday’ always comes and goes.

Their conversation ends. The morning sun slips back beneath the ocean. Levi rises from the bench and walks into the night.

Chapter Text

Relentless rain slashes in silver sheets, only letting up for brief spells at a time. Levi can barely make out the dark clapboard barn and the rest of the ranch through a dancing murk of water. “This could have been better organized,” he observes.

“Yeah. No kidding. Who decided that shooting outdoors this time of year was a good idea?” One of his stylist coworkers mutters at his side, obscured under the pink petals of an umbrella, “Looks like another short day, at any rate. Not that I mind. Think they even got anything good?”

“Doubtful.” Levi watches the lead actor flail and slip in a puddle of mud, staining his jockey costume. In a storm of half-heard cursing and staggering he slides and falls again. The sight makes Levi restless and heavy down to his bones.

As predicted, most of the staff are dismissed for the day. Levi drives back into the city through the rain, parks downtown and walks wherever his feet take him, hood pulled up on his raincoat. The weather has left the slick sidewalks deserted. He is reluctant to return to the apartment these days, yet the conditions are too poor for this aimless stroll. So he searches for a place to go.

After a quick scan, he ducks into a café tucked away in a side street. An odd place. The interior is lit dimly orange from scattered, stained-glass lamps. Bookshelves line the corners. All of the décor appears to consist of scavenged antiques, arranged with the type of care that suggests this place may not, in fact, be a front for something more dubious. Levi orders a coffee and sits by the window. The rain obscures the view entirely, rivulets of water distorting the shops and brickwork outside.

On impulse, Levi takes out his phone and calls Ace.

It’s earlier than their usual time, but after a few rings his partner picks up. “Hey man.” He sounds a bit out of breath. “Hold on a sec. I’m just at the gym right now.” There’s a shuffle, a swish of water and a relieved breath. “Okay. How’s it going?”

Levi doesn’t know, so he gives a general response, “It’s raining a lot here, so work ended early again. If I’ve called at an inconvenient time…”

“Nah, I was just thinking of taking a break.”

“That’s good.” Silence. Rainfall over glass. Levi takes a sip of coffee and only tastes the bitterness, even though he’d added plenty of sugar.

“Hey. Uh.” Ace clears his throat. “Is everything all right with you? Last week it seemed like you were in a weird mood, like overly sentimental and shit. Now you’re calling me super early, and you’re all quiet.”

Levi says without thinking, “I was wondering if perhaps I should visit you. Take a few days off work. A small holiday of sorts.”

“I mean, that would be great and all, but…” Ace lets out a sigh. “That’s expensive if you’re just doing it to be a good partner or whatever, and I’d be too busy to hang out with you.”

“I see.” It sounds like a rejection, so Levi doesn’t push the idea any further. The silence returns because he doesn’t know what else to say. He feels like he’s underwater.

“Listen.” Ace’s voice drops low. “Maybe we can make some temporary rules while I’m away, you know? If you’re antsy and depressed because you’re not getting enough sex, then, just… go and fuck somebody.” Levi wonders if he’s misheard. An unwelcome, sour lump forms at the base of his throat. “Whatever you need to do, right? No cheating while I’m there, obviously, but I’m not right now, so like… I can deal with it. If it’ll make things easier. If you’ll be happier. Fuck. I don’t know.”

Levi props his elbow on the table and pinches his forehead. “Where is this reckless suggestion coming from?”

“Maybe I’m just trying to be a good partner too. But I don’t know what that fucking looks like with somebody like you in a situation like this. So cut me some slack.” His voice is tight with stress. “Anyway. It’s on the table. Let’s just move on.”

“Right.” Yet it lingers: A sensation of being thoroughly pushed away.

“What are you up to right now? Just chilling at home?”

“I went for a walk. Now I’m in a café. The coffee could be better.” He lists the facts without inflection, somewhere else. He peers out the watery window again, eyes catching on the outline of his face reflected back at him, a pale silhouette with blurred features.

The conversation doesn’t last much longer, and Ace rambles through it: “My family is all on my case ‘cause I didn’t call any of them when Easter came and went. Like, do they really think the guy who loves riding dick is gonna give a fuck? And it's not like they've ever gone to church or prayed or any of that shit. It’s just another day. Makes me wanna throw my phone in the ocean.” 

Levi lets him talk on and on about nothing. The rest of it floats by, except for the end.

“Talk to you soon,” Ace says. “I love you.”

“Ace, I—”

He hangs up.

Levi searches his blank face in the window. “I love you too.”

The words ring as false and wrong as ever. Yet he keeps testing them, knowing the result will never change.

Chapter Text

Ace will usually fade and vanish into a fog of absence. Each call between them functions like an island, where Levi can stop and remember that he has chosen to share his life with someone. Yet after the café and the rain, Ace keeps resurfacing unprompted. Stranger yet, Levi keeps shoving him back into obscurity, banishing him into the fog by force when there isn’t a substantial reason to do so.

He doesn’t like how it feels. So he keeps up a strategy, letting in nothing in order to remain empty.

Until suddenly Ace is there again, speaking low right up against his ear. “Hey.” One syllable, almost a whisper. An invitation. “Wanna help me out? I’ve just been lying here, jerking off all alone, picturing you fucking me into this bed, and spitting on me, and burning cigarettes into my back and stuff.”

Levi fumbles and drops the bag of rice he’d plucked from the shelf. He places it in the basket. “I. Yes. I’ll do my best to help,” he stammers. “What would you like to hear?”

“Tell me I’m a worthless fucking bitch.”

“You’re…” He glances down the aisle. What else was on his grocery list again? “You’re a worthless bitch.”

“Tell me more.”

“Uh. Does that mean you want me to elaborate on how you’re a worthless bitch in more detail?”

“Wrong answer,” Ace grumbles. “Try again.”

Levi wanders in the direction of the produce section, thinking. He passes a few people wandering with their shopping carts, banal and empty-eyed and completely unaware. A hint of heat flares through him. “Doing this to me out in the open… would definitely be considered filthy, wouldn’t it.”

Ace plays into it. “Yeah. I’m a real fucking pig, aren’t I. It’s disgusting. But you’re so damn sexy, I can’t help myself. I want you now.”

“Even though someone might catch us?”

A breath through the speaker. “Let them. I don’t care.”

Levi smiles as he feels over some tomatoes, testing their ripeness; smooth and giving as bare skin. “Feeling brave, are we. Does this mean you’re taking charge?” He checks his basket. All he needs is milk now, he thinks, though he’s never been terribly good at multitasking. “I don’t mind taking orders.”

“Oh.” It’s probably not what he’d expected. “If you’re wearing anything, then take it off.”

“I would, but as I implied earlier, I’m in public.”

“Shit, really? I thought you were doing a roleplay thing.” Ace sighs. “Man, if I was there right now… I’d drag you to the nearest private spot and order you down on your knees. I want your mouth on my dick so bad.”

Levi remembers past occasions — taking Ace in, glancing up at the view from between his legs. He lowers his voice, “You look good when I’m blowing you. I like the way you taste.”

“Especially when there’s a little something sweet, right? And you get to lick it all up.”

“Definitely.” This conversation is becoming very distracting. Levi looks back on a specific experiment: Honey, drizzled strategically. “I want to drag my tongue over you.”

“Lollipop craving again?”

“Yes. It’s quite severe.” He salivates, barely registers grabbing a carton of milk. Levi hasn’t given him oral for a long time, and now it’s a whim he can’t simply go home and satisfy. Unfortunate. “Is there anything else you’d make me do?”

“I don’t have to tell you that. You’ve made me scream enough times to know what I’d ask for.” Another shaky breath comes through the speaker, and Levi thinks he can hear other noises too; slick skin being worked over. “You fucking bastard — wrecking me over and over again. Maybe, if I was there… I’d make you be the one to bend over instead.”

Levi sets his groceries down at the self-checkout, brows raised. “Bend over, you say.” He starts scanning items through. “As in, you’d want to take me?”

The last time they’d talked about switching things up was two years ago. The conversation had gone something like this:

‘Heh. Me, topping you? With this tiny fucking dick? Good one.’

‘It… wasn’t a joke? While it’s true your size is below average, I believe your dick would still be adequate enough to do the job.’

‘Wow. Really, Levi? ‘Adequate enough’? That’s your vote of confidence? Go to hell.’

The topic hadn’t come up since, until now. 

“Yeah. Sure. In this hypothetical scenario of me being there with you, I’d want that. What else would I be talking about.” Ace huffs in his ear. “I don’t give a fuck if it turns you off, or if you think I’d do a mediocre job; it’s what I’m gonna imagine, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.” 

Levi almost laughs at his over-defensive tone but manages to hold it in, feeling a lopsided smile tug at him as he finishes scanning his items through. “I see,” he muses. “You seem to be assuming some resistance to the idea on my part.”

“Am I supposed to assume something else? We’ve been a thing for a long time, and it always goes a certain way.”

“I enjoy the usual directions you give me,” Levi counters. “Hitting you, fucking you senseless, biting you, making you scream… I like it all very much. However, you’re underestimating how far I’ll follow your lead. It’s only ever taken a pinch to steer me the right way.” As he pays for and bags up the groceries, Ace is quiet, absorbed in himself, or perhaps contemplating where to take things next.

He speaks up again when Levi exits the store, “Find somewhere quiet. Doesn’t matter where it is. I want you to cum with me.”

Levi surveys the area, his pulse thumping harder. He heads for an alleyway along the side of the building. The car is too far away, and he doesn’t want to slow their momentum. “I thought you told me to stay out of trouble.”

“You’ve got my permission this time. Just don’t be a dumbass about it.”

The alley is littered with torn garbage bags and broken glass. Smells of rotten produce and sulfur clog the air. A familiar type of dingy. Levi sets his grocery bags on top of an old plastic crate and positions himself behind a dumpster. Fairly hidden, and still able to keep an eye on the alley’s entrance. “All right. I’ve found somewhere dark and deserted. I’m going to join you now.”

“Fuck yeah. Get your cock out, you dirty bitch. Touch yourself like you mean it.”

Levi listens to him. It’s freeing, being told what to do. He likes not being the one responsible because he always makes mistakes. After all, he isn’t built for a life like this, or for this world full of confusing rules and feelings.

“Faster. Catch up to me.” Ace’s voice lashes into his thoughts. “I know exactly what makes you feel good. The kind of pace you like. Every little sensitive spot. So give it your all for me, Levi.”

At this command, Levi spits on his hand and complies. The risk of it all is getting him off. Sparks of adrenaline fuel the fire alongside the smoky hiss of Ace’s breathing in his ear. His cock strains from a visual taking shape. Levi tells him, “If you were here with me, in this disgusting alleyway… I would be down on my hands and knees. I wouldn’t care about the garbage or the broken glass. I wouldn’t care about anything except the feeling of you fucking me.” The novelty pools warm at his center.

“I bet you’d be tight. Shit, you probably feel so good.” Ace’s next breath shudders. “And you’d look so sexy too, taking it like that. Letting it happen.”

“Yes, letting it all happen. Whether it’s you at your most brutal, or most cold, or tender, it doesn’t matter.” Levi loses focus on the brickwork, the trash, everything. “I want to use you that way, Ace. I want to drain you dry. Every bit of comfort and cruelty. Every benefit you want to give me, until there’s nothing left of us.” He tenses, the orgasm building. “Invade me. Everywhere.”

Ace rushes in. Images of him, memories and fragments that can no longer be kept at bay. Moments in time swirl together with his voice and features that are already beginning to lose their sharpness.

Levi, you’re gonna make me cum…

Levi, could you reach that for me? I’m too fucking short.

Levi, stop lying already.

In bed, in the snow, in their kitchen, on the streets, in the car, out in nature, in a crowd, at a funeral, on campus, in the apartment, at the gym, everywhere, together.

This life, with him.

Levi calls his name in a tone he didn’t know he was capable of, and breaks.

His body opens and pulses shut again. He shivers and shivers after it’s over. He stares at nothing. Ace follows close behind him, but Levi barely hears it. 

“Apologies. I have to go,” he says, and cuts the call short.

He zips his pants back up as the surroundings focus back into clarity. A stench of mold thickens the air. Semen glistens across the concrete in a splatter. Flies buzz around spoiled food. Levi picks up his groceries and leaves the alleyway, yet the corpse-sourness of it trails behind him all the way to the car. He sits behind the wheel. When his phone vibrates, he takes it from his pocket.

A text from Ace: [ Why tf did you hang up so fast? ]

Levi answers with a lie: [ Sorry about that. I was nearly caught. ]

[ Well shit, guess I forgive you then. Thx for the help. Can I call you back later? Actually want to catch up n stuff. ]

He pockets the phone again and starts the engine.

Once again, he lets the fog roll in.

Chapter Text

9

“You look kinda tired, or bummed out or something.” Ace watches him closely through the screen, his eyebrows pinched in. “Shitty day?” He can tell there’s been a change, has been able to tell for a while now.

Levi wishes he could explain, but he knows it will lead to an argument. “Work has been tiresome. That’s all.” Telling lies is commonplace to him by now, especially where his emotions are concerned.

He’ll never be able to speak freely, not even with the person who knows him best.

Everything feels wrong. I want you to come home.

Ace would only call him a liar — the same defense, again and again.

8

Sometimes he wants to tell lies. It feels good to say certain things, even if he doesn’t truly mean them.

They’d just spent the afternoon playing a game of cat-and-mouse through a ghost town outside the city; pre-Tragedy ruins, the perfect hunting ground. The main object of the game was to pretend they were strangers, and Ace had put up quite a fight. Kicking, thrashing, screaming for him to stop — not a single pinch throughout. Now they’re breathing heavily on the floor of a dusty, long-abandoned law office, gazing at each other after the heat and heaviness of it all.

Levi hovers over him, and is utterly powerless. 

“I love you, Ace.”

A flinch, as though he’d been sliced open. “You fucking asshole…” 

He pinches Levi harder than he’s ever pinched before.

7

Vacation footage: The frame pans across the mountains and down to an ice-blue lake. The water is bright and clear, funneled from the dying dregs of a distant glacier and perfectly chilled for a hot summer day. The uphill, hours-long toil had been more than worth it. They have a paradise all to themselves.

“Hey, Levi!” The camera blurs over when Ace calls, capturing him as he emerges glistening from the lake. “Stop messing around and go for a swim already! It feels amazing after the hell we just… went through…?” He trails off when a shape emerges from the undergrowth nearby.

Levi remarks, “Oh. We have company.” A lone goose waddles into the open and stares.

Ace immediately makes a fist at it. “What, you wanna fight, you long-necked bitch?!” It spreads its wings and hisses.

“You probably shouldn’t provoke the wildlife.”

Too late. When the bird charges, Ace runs away and shrieks, “Oh my god it has rabies!”

The idiotic moment unfolds: Ace, scrambling around naked in circles, screams and angry honking filling the air. Levi explodes into a fit of laughter that won’t stop, doubled over from it, the footage shaking to a view of the ground.

“Stop giggling over there and fucking help me!”

He never knew he could laugh this hard. It’s painfully sweet.

6

That day, Levi nearly chokes him to death. An experiment gone wrong.

He watches Ace as he sleeps, covered in bruises from falling during a race, with more scattered over his skin that Levi had just inflicted. A dark line at his throat. Finger-shaped marks along his hips like scattered rose petals. Even though it was what Ace had wanted, they’d gone a bit far. Levi watches him breathe in and out. He imagines another version of the world where Ace is no longer alive. Murdered.

It’s a bad place. Levi wouldn't have turned himself in.

He sees himself sitting there, staring at Ace’s corpse. He sees himself come to a swift decision: To wrap the body in a shroud of their white bedsheets, and stuff his former lover into a suitcase. Ace is so small. He would fit without much trouble. The scene unfurls, faster, harsher, Levi rolling the suitcase down to his car, loading it into the trunk, driving for miles upon miles into the deepest shadows of the woods. A shovel. A rhythm. Dirt. Sweat. Ace, already rotting. His body as it vanishes white into the dark. His body already fading into a memory. Countless memories of him going pale and unreal within a few months. An unmarked grave.

Levi’s throat is left tight and sour. He curls up on his side, face pressed into his partner’s shoulder, absorbing every bit of living warmth. Relief washes through him anew, horrible in its potency. It makes him ill.

He cuddles into Ace, nauseous and confused.

5

Water beats over his bones.

“Ace, are you all right?” Levi hurries over and crouches outside the shower stall where Ace is curled up. Today was supposed to be relaxing. Levi tries to shelve his disappointment and conjure up concern for Ace in its place, with poor results. “I heard a loud noise…”

“Can you go away?” Ace speaks into his drawn-up knees. “I got dizzy. It’s nothing.”

“That doesn’t sound like nothing. Have you eaten—”

“Of course I haven’t!” He yells, looking up from his knees, his face distorted in fury. “I’ve gotten fucking fat from all the shit you’ve been forcing down my throat! Now, if I don’t lose all this weight… everything’s gonna go to hell. No career. No money. I’ll have nothing, ‘cause racing is all I’m good for. So just leave me the fuck alone!”

Levi wants to slap him. “Ace, I have not forced you to eat a single bite. Don’t blame me when I’m only trying to—”

“Ha! Wow. You actually think you’re my fucking savior, don’t you? When really you’re a murderous sociopath who just puts up with me for sex and an excuse to feel like a good person. And here you are, spewing holier-than-thou bullshit at me like I’m the scumbag. Hilarious. You’re splitting my fucking sides, it’s so damn funny.” His face crawls with a panicked grin before he lurches toward the drain, jamming his fingers down his throat. He belches uselessly. Nothing comes out. He collapses onto his side, shaking to the point where his teeth chatter.

This is a new low. Ace has never done this in front of him before. What a mess.

Levi thinks about leaving him. But instead of saying ‘let’s break up’, or simply walking out of the room and out of their apartment altogether, he shuffles into the shower. Hot water soaks through his sweater as he lifts Ace off the floor of the stall, cradling his limp, tired body. He’s less alarmingly bony compared to when they first met. Healthier, despite everything. Levi chooses to focus on this fact. He could make life easier here and now, but he doesn’t. Not today, at least.

“Your clothes are getting wet,” Ace mutters against his chest.

“That’s all right,” Levi answers. “It doesn’t matter.”

4

This is the strangest date they’ve ever been on, if this situation counts as one.

They’re on their backs on a mattress side by side, in a field-sized room full of nothing but mattresses. “Doesn’t this one feel like the other one we just tried?” Ace questions, “Like the exact fucking same? It’s supposed to be firmer, right? Am I going crazy?”

“Yes.” Levi sits up to stare out at the ocean of beds. “And so am I.”

“Bed purgatory.”

“I suppose there could be worse kinds.”

“Fair.” Ace sits up next to him, studies their outstretched legs. “It feels… kinda real all of a sudden, you know? There’s the graduation stuff coming up. Then the house. And us being here, buying a fucking bed. Would you have ever guessed in a billion years that we’d be doing this shit?”

Levi contemplates it, absently wiggling his toes in his socks. “A billion years wouldn’t be necessary.”

“Wasn’t being literal.” Ace bumps a shoulder into him.

“I know. Still, I doubt I would have even needed an hour for such a guess.” He sees Ace scoff in his peripherals, but carries on anyway, “It’s slightly shameful to admit, but after the opening ceremony when we all met one another, I failed to remember anyone’s name. Except yours. I knew finding a partner would help me appear more well-adjusted, so it was only logical to pursue the person who made the strongest impression. For that reason, I do not find this outcome strange or unexpected.”

A rebuttal is surely on its way, because their first meeting had been anything but sweet or charming. Yet Ace doesn’t say a word. He leans against Levi quietly, warm pressure against his arm. After a while he comments, “The spring mattresses are kinda annoying ‘cause it’ll be lopsided. You’re just gonna end up making a huge divot that I’ll get sucked into constantly — but I guess I don’t mind. It’s better than these shitty foam mattresses, where it doesn’t even feel like you’re there at all.”

“I see.” Levi slips an arm around him. “Well, that certainly helps narrow it down.”

3

Summer sunlight sparks off the outdoor dancefloor. Ace is out there letting loose with other students and staff, taking in the festival, dressed down in body and mind. Levi watches from the stage, strumming his guitar alongside others who are musically inclined. The band reaches a new height in energy; even Hu starts playing loose with her zither, a smile on her face that lacks its usual practiced serenity.

Everyone here could die in a fire, and while Levi would find it unfortunate, he would carry on without feeling much — Ace included. And yet, his partner draws his attention again and again, even though there’s nothing about him that should stand apart from the rest.

Perhaps it is the role Ace plays. He does it well; so well that Levi forgets himself sometimes, forgets to make excuses for his heartlessness, forgets what he should be and simply exists as he is.

Ace catches his eye as he dances in the light and grins from ear to ear. Levi returns the smile, and it isn’t out of politeness or obligation this time. He doesn’t know why. But it’s nice.

2

Everyone else at Hope’s Peak seems to be tired of Ace. Then again, they would probably show more patience if they could see him like this: Nice and quiet, with his mouth full of cock.

They’re in the gym for a late-night workout. Alone and exercising, though not as they’d originally intended. Ace is currently sprawled on his back over one of the weight benches while Levi looms over him, fucking his face. His gag reflex is really something else. Levi knows why, and doesn’t give a damn. “You look incredible right now.”

Ace stares up at him, his expression fierce, almost as if he hadn’t come undone mere moments prior. A sound between a gurgle and a growl makes it out of his abused throat. Perfect defiance.

Ecstasy.

When Levi’s orgasm runs its course, Ace turns his head and spits the load onto the gym floor. He never swallows. “Is that the best you can do?” He taunts with a smirk, his face red, his voice rough. “Use me harder next time, bastard.”

No, Levi doesn’t see a reason to toss him aside. Not yet, anyway.

1

Hope’s Peak Academy. Levi feels taut with every pulled string that got him here. Day one. No mistakes. Smile. Say the right thing. Be good. Or else.

It’s already exhausting.

“Hey you! What do you want?!” One of his classmates confronts him from afar — the jockey. What was his name again…? “Quit hovering around and staring at me, it’s creeping me out!”

Levi raises his hands, unsure how to proceed. Introductions with everyone else had been simple enough to deal with — smiles and greetings and polite questions. “I did not mean to stare,” he explains. “You were shouting, and I was concerned that some sort of brawl was about to break out.”

“It’s that Xander asshole you should be keeping an eye on! He’s crazy, totally threatened me when I barely said anything!” The jockey crosses his arms and glares. “Anyway, don’t get too close, got it? You’re suspicious as hell.”

“Suspicious?”

“Yeah. There’s no reason a stylist should be as ripped as you. Something’s off, and I don’t fuck with liars.”

“That’s…” Levi locks up, and before he can snap out of it the man marches away to slump against the wall of the auditorium. He points two fingers at his eyes, then turns them at Levi.

That’s right. His name is Ace.

One thing about him is clear: He’s bound to be nothing but trouble.

Chapter Text

Another monsoon crushes the city, lashing rain at the living room window in a chaotic frenzy. Levi barely hears it, has been couch-bound for hours, sucked into the glowing hypnosis of his phone to try and block out a fog of nausea. He scrolls, not thinking, detached from his body. He sinks into videos and words. He sees them and forgets. All of it passes through because he isn’t here, or anywhere.

The lights snap off.

Levi jolts, tugged from the screen, and sits still in the new darkness of the apartment. “Oh. A blackout.” Howling wind presses in. The texture of the couch cradles his body. Soft and slow, he occupies himself again.

Newly awake, Levi rises from the couch and navigates his way to the kitchen, his twisting stomach roiling in protest. Candles are jammed into the back of the junk cupboard somewhere. He crouches and opens it up. Tools and cleaning supplies and batteries are stacked in messy piles. The candles are right where he suspected they’d be, next to a small cardboard box… Strange, he doesn’t recall putting that there. An organization effort on Ace’s part, perhaps? Levi takes the box out and opens the flaps, shining his phone into its depths.

Inside are photos, cards, and other little scraps of paper. A single leather album rests at the bottom, but most of the photos are scattered and loose. Levi plucks one out. It’s a polaroid from their school days, during the week Whit had gone around taking photos of everyone. A version of Ace and himself from another time stare up at him, standing side by side in one of the academy’s many bright halls. Summer light streams gently green across their younger faces. Past Levi plasters on a polite smile, pink tie askew. Past Ace is motion-blurred with his mouth open and his eyes mid-blink, captured forever in the midst of a complaint. The two of them, every imperfection preserved.

People like to keep mementos of the past. Levi has performed an interest in capturing moments, though truthfully he doesn’t care about such things. This well-hidden hoard might staunch his boredom, however. He takes the box and candles back to the living room, sets up adequate lighting on the coffee table and goes through the rest of the contents by firelight.

He finds a concert ticket from their first date. There are also photos of Ace grinning alongside someone. Such an innocent smile. It’s unlike him. This stranger must be the close friend Ace mentioned a few times; the one who died. Levi lifts out the leather album and brushes a layer of dust off its surface. The spine crackles as he opens it.

Many of these pictures are older. He dwells on a photo of a bunch of children posed around a carousel. Levi hones in on one of the kids immediately; a boy off on the sidelines, pouting and crossing his arms as though he’d rather be anywhere else. Ace still has a habit of making the exact same bitter, mopey face, to this very day. Some things never change.

Levi can’t help but chuckle. It fills him with warmth and pain at the same time.

He misses Ace.

All other thoughts stop. As the lights flick back on, Levi’s smile fades away. He didn’t think it was possible, yet it’s undeniable: What Ace provides is valuable, and Levi can’t get it elsewhere so simply.

The sullen, averted eyes of his partner as a child are like black holes that pull him in. It makes his stomach clench. He shuts the album and lifts the old Hope’s Peak polaroid back out. He stands, walks to the kitchen and pins it to the fridge with a magnet. Ace’s blurry face is coated in dust. Levi doesn’t wipe the image clean.

“What is happening to me…?”

When did these roots begin to form? He thought a development like this would be good. Instead it’s like a flower blooming at the wrong time of year in unnatural conditions. Levi turns from the polaroid and strides for the balcony, his nausea unfurling its poison in full force. Stepping out, he is immediately met with whipping winds that toss his hair and slash rain into his face. One of the withered, potted plants has fallen over, scattered soil smeared into a crime scene of mud. Buildings fade like faceless giants hovering in silent judgment. Levi wanders up to the rail. The storm gives him violence, numbs his exposed nerves, these exposed roots. Blades of rain rend and tear.

A sound breaks through the tempest: His ringtone.

Levi turns partially, peering through the open door into the warmth of the apartment. His cell is alight on the coffee table. The ringtone chimes away with mocking brightness.

If he speaks now, what will his voice reveal?

Once the phone goes dark and quiet again, Levi steps back inside. Rainwater drips to the floor. He saunters up to the coffee table, leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind. His insides squirm. He picks up the phone. It rings. Only once.

Ace appears in his hand, a sweep of early daylight behind him; already living through tomorrow. “Hey.” At first he smiles. It drops away. Levi opens his mouth stupidly, but his chest feels like a furnace and every word and every polite sequence he’s ever memorized is burning behind the grate of his ribs. His phone screen takes on the dimensions of another photograph, smoldering at the edges. “Levi?”

“I’m lonely.” 

Ace pulls an expression he once again can’t comprehend. 

“Do you think I’m lying? I guess it doesn’t matter.” The heat of the furnace crisps the soft flesh behind his eyes and shoots adrenaline down his arms. “This feeling… I want it to go away. Should I have sex with someone else, as you suggested before? Do you think that will help?”

“How am I supposed to know? I said I don’t want you to be miserable, so… It’s still on the table, if you really need it.” When his eyes flash in watery pain, the flames abate enough for Levi to think through his words again.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t. It’s obvious you’ve been having a shit time. I’m kinda glad you’re admitting it. Feels like it’s always me bitching and moaning about everything. We’re supposed to share stuff with each other. Even the stuff that fucking sucks.”

“Mm.” Levi sits on the floor with his back against the couch. “I found that box of photos in the kitchen.”

“Shit. Really?” Ace palms his forehead. “Ugh, that’s embarrassing. I don’t know why I held onto all that crap. Just shove it back where you found it, okay?”

Levi spares the box a glance. “All right.” With reluctance, he makes eye-contact with Ace once more. “You said we should share.”

“Yeah. If it’s important.” Ace brings his free hand up to the side of his neck. “Do you wanna tell me what’s really going on? Is some chucklefuck from the past making threats again?”

“No. It’s…” Levi’s tongue feels heavy, his mouth dry. “I told you. I feel alone. Life is harder when you’re not here. It’s distressing, as if I don’t know myself at all.” 

He can already see the guarded blankness on his partner’s face, can sense the gears turning as he considers his next words. “I guess it would be harder for you too. More inconvenient, like with chores, and sex, and that kind of thing.”

“Inconvenient…?”

“Yeah — with baseline shit. Because it’s not about me, it must be more like… the services I give you when I’m there, or something. Living alone is more work. It would stack up after a while.”

Perhaps Ace has every right to try and rationalize it. Their relationship has been left to fester for so long that they’ve grown roots around one another, capable of doing real damage if things change. The furnace roars back alive, searing Levi’s chest, surging up and up until there’s no time to stop it.

Ace is a stranger. Ace is the only person who has ever mattered. Somehow he’s both.

Levi drops the phone and tries to rise, but doesn’t get far across the living room before he falls and throws up on the floor. Shaking, sweating, parasite-infested. His body isn’t his own and he doesn’t recognize his mind anymore.

“Levi?!” Ace’s voice reaches him, tinny and distant. “Are you okay?”

Lightning flashes through the glass patio door. A boom of thunder drowns out Levi’s reply. He wipes his mouth and sits up through a tremor, bent over, hugging himself. When Ace calls his name again he crawls back over to the phone. “I’m a bit ill.” He gazes out at the rest of the living room, the floor covered in mud and vomit. “It’s a mess in here.”

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Ace says, “just get settled on the couch, all right?”

“Yes. Right.” Bleary and over-sensitive at the same time, Levi peels off his dirty socks and drags himself onto the couch, curling partially beneath a throw blanket.

“You should definitely stay home from work tomorrow. Must be the flu or something.” Ace is pale on the screen, searching over him with a creased brow. “Fuck. I wanna come home, but I can’t.” There’s another voice on his end, a shadow stirring through the pale daylight behind him. Ace looks over his shoulder and murmurs, “My partner is sick, okay? Please just… gimme a fucking second.” The shadow moves away.

“Who was that?”

“My fitness coach.”

“Oh.” Levi’s grip on the waking world is fading. Exhaustion creeps vine-like at the edges of his vision. “It’s all right if you have to go. I… need to sleep this off.”

“Okay. Rest up.” He looks tormented. “I’ll check and see how you’re doing later. I love—”

“Goodbye, Ace.” Levi hangs up.

Entirely spent, he only has the energy and wherewithal to blow out the candles and message his workplace before he fades out of consciousness.

⤝❖⤞

Bzzz!

Levi rouses from the void.

Bzz-bzzz!

He opens his eyes. Was that the doorbell?

Bz-bz-bz-bzz!

Definitely. Delirious and half-asleep, he rises from the couch and staggers out of the living room, up and through the kitchen, faster and faster. In this half-dream he wants to see Ace in the doorway, wants his touch and his comfort, wants attention and care from him and no one else. Levi opens the door and…

“Hello.” Min is standing there with a glass food container. “Wow. You look pretty awful.” 

Levi blinks. “Oh. Min?”

“Ace messaged me. I brought some soup for you.” She holds out the container. “Here. Take it.” Levi accepts the offering in a daze. Chicken soup. It still feels warm. “Is there anything else you need while I’m here?”

The delirium fades, and he wakes up to the feeling of his eyes aching.

“Ah. It’s okay. Don’t cry.” Min rummages around in her purse and places a small pack of tissues on top of the soup lid.

“I… should be able to manage. Thank you for coming by,” Levi says, his voice gravelly.

“No problem. I have a lecture this evening, but if you need anything at about seven o’clock, I’ll be in the area, so let me know.” She steps back and adjusts her bag. “Feel better soon.” Levi nods and shuts the door. 

He saunters to the kitchen table and wipes his eyes with one of the tissues. When he last cried like this… he must have been a child. It was ages ago, back when his father was alive. He sits down and forces himself to eat. He directs his attention solely to his body, and the immediate task of cleaning the living room floor. All the while, tears continue to fall, welling up from somewhere buried and unknown.

Chapter Text

Levi wakes and feels close to recovered. The sun is shining, so he steps onto the balcony and cleans up the remaining dirt, dead plants and pottery shards from the storm. When he takes out the trash and returns, a new notification light blinks on his phone.

[ Hey. Feeling better today? ] It’s Ace, unsurprisingly.

Levi answers an affirmative.

[ Nice. Can I call you? I want to show you something ;) ]

Intrigued, Levi replies with another affirmative, accepts the video call with a swipe, and sits down at the kitchen table. “Hello,” he says, then studies his partner’s surroundings. “Are you… in a bathtub?”

Ace grins and peels off his tank-top. “Yep.” He reclines back against the rim, a knee tucked up. He’s still in his jeans.

“Er… But it’s empty. And you’re wearing clothes.”

“You wanna see me naked that bad? I’ll get to it, but you’ve gotta be patient first.” He reaches for something out of frame and holds it for Levi to observe. A fang of light snaps across cold steel. A knife. “I know we’ve talked about this before, but we’ve never actually done it. Blood stuff.” He licks the flat of the blade. “You’re not satisfied lately, obviously. So I’ll give you something exciting. Would you like that? Seeing me bleed for you?”

An invisible stone lodges itself in Levi’s throat. “Oh.”

Ace skirts the blade along his body. Despite his coy expression and his wanting smile, his hand trembles. “That’s all I get? ‘Oh’? That’s fine, you can just watch. You don’t have to talk.” He traces the blade along his arm, up to his shoulder, his chest rising and falling faster.

“Wait—”

A grimace as he drags the blade. Crimson lines drip down his biceps. “Heh. Too late.”

“That’s dangerous.”

“So?” Ace spreads his legs, dips his fingers into the blood on his arm and smears it across his chest. “What do you care? You like it when I’m reckless, right? That’s what brought us together — that rush. Saying it was anything else is bullshit.”

“Maybe so, but…” Right now his partner is a very pretty picture, yet Levi’s chest twists in mutiny. When Ace lifts the blade he speaks out, “Don’t.”

“Why not? You like it. I can tell.” The knife moves up to his arm again.

“I’m serious, Ace.” The tightness in his chest breaks through in his voice. “If I was there, I would pinch you.” In all of their encounters he has never done so, because he generally likes what Ace offers. “I would pinch you,” he repeats quietly. “Please stop.”

This gets his attention. Ace searches his face, looks to his bloody arm, then the knife. He sighs and lets the blade clatter along the bottom of the tub, his eyes going lifeless. “Fine. Pretend that it matters.”

Levi fights down a flare of anger. “It does. What if something goes wrong? I wouldn’t be able to help you. And you need to compete, correct? I’m not against this idea, but I would like to be present with you if we pursue it. Injuring yourself any further wouldn’t be wise.”

Ace tucks up his knees and holds his head in his hands. He swallows thickly. “I just wanted to feel close to you.” At this he curls in tighter. “Fuck, what the hell am I even doing? I’m so stupid.”

“It’s all right. I appreciate the sentiment.” Levi tries to console him. “You should treat that cut — it’s still bleeding.” Ace raises his head from his palms and nods, his expression hollow. He stands and moves off. Levi is left staring at the empty tub, a smear of raw red along the rim. He murmurs, “I… wanted to thank you, actually; for sending Min, and checking on me so frequently. My illness would have been worse if I was entirely alone.” He reflects on this fact. “I’ve started to realize there are a lot of things that are better when you’re here with me.”

The screen blurs as Ace picks up his phone from its spot on the tub. “Don’t say shit like that to try to make me feel better.”

“What…?”

He places the phone down, the angle hiding his face as he disinfects the cut on his arm. “It’s fine that you don’t love me, or care about what happens to me. That’s what I signed up for. But it’s so fucking hard when you do shit like this — dangle little scraps of hope in my face when I know better. It’s like a bullet in my chest every damn time.”

Levi clenches his jaw. He can’t keep the edge out of his voice when he responds, “I’m not trying to taunt or manipulate you, Ace.” In a flash, he remembers the grounds of Hope’s Peak covered in snow, the place and time where their relationship began in earnest; that ice-cold bench, paired with Ace’s warmth next to him. “At the start, you told me that as long as we show up for one another, the invisible things wouldn’t matter. Yet I know that all these invisible things actually matter to you a great deal, despite your claims that you can live without them.” His partner’s soft yet determined expression from that time still shines clearly in Levi’s mind, when so many other things have wisped away into darkness. “What you said to me back then… was it a lie?”

Ace goes still. “Of course not.” His tone is brittle. “But I didn’t know what it’d be like for the long haul either. It’s exhausting. Especially right now. I feel so fucking alone, and I just…” He leans forward over the counter, his face still obscured. “I wish you could love me, Levi.”

It isn’t one of his spiteful pot-shots. He isn’t screaming, or name-calling. It’s simple defeat: More raw than wrath and more truthful than tears. 

It shouldn’t hurt.

As the pain curdles in him, Levi mutters, “I see. Then I apologize for being inadequate.”

“No, hold the fuck up—”

“Is that not what you’re saying?” Levi cuts him off, acid on his tongue. “I work hard to understand you, Ace. But no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough, is it.”

Ace picks up the phone. “Don’t say that.”

“My feelings aren’t enough.”

“What fucking feelings?! This isn’t the time to fucking lie!”

Silence. Ace flinches at his own words, but doesn’t apologize for them or take them back. Black static sparks through Levi’s veins. “This again. Why do I even try, when you’ve never put in the same effort to understand me?” He tries to keep his voice steady. “You’re too afraid of what you’ll find, correct? You’ve never gotten over your fears — towards me, towards yourself, towards everything.”

His partner’s face grows ashen and drawn.

“Even after nearly ten years, you’re still in the same damn place,” Levi continues, unable to slow the momentum, “complaining incessantly about how much you hate your life, secretly and silently resentful of our relationship, but you've never taken steps to improve anything.” Years of listening to him whine, years of watching him self-destruct over and over again, years of petty arguments… Every tight knot that Levi had carefully woven into patience and dependability unravel at once. “It’s pathetic. You’re absolutely pathetic, Ace. If you’re so tormented by what I lack, then do something about it and find someone else.”

“That’s… No.” His mouth forms the words at a sluggish pace. “I’ll try to be good.” His eyes lose focus, his breathing shallow — panicking, of course, because panicking is all he knows how to do.

Levi doesn’t want to sit through another episode and go through the old motions of soothing him. It’s beyond tedious. “I’m going now. Have a meltdown or purge, as you usually do. I don’t care.”

“Levi—!”

With a simple swipe, Levi makes that awful, devastated expression disappear. Being apart from him is convenient in some ways. But then, as he sits there fuming at the kitchen table, it sweeps over him:

He’d been cruel. He isn’t supposed to be cruel to Ace.

Immediately he scrambles out a text: [ I shouldn’t have said that. I apologize. Please do not do anything rash. ]

Ace’s reply is near instant: [ Fuck you. Don’t call or text me anymore. ]

He stares at the words, unfeeling for the first few moments, until the screen phases out of focus. Resigned, he sets the phone down.

Levi rises to circle through the kitchen, back and forth. Once again, he has made a mistake. The visual is all too clear in his mind’s eye: Ace’s fingers probing down his throat. Ace’s voice in rasped pain. Ace curled up in a ball in a hotel bathroom hundreds upon hundreds of miles away.

He’d cut himself open to try to make Levi happy. Misguided violence. It’s nothing new, one of Ace’s many desperate patterns he treads time after time. 

Maybe this was never meant to work. Were the past nine years just a failed experiment?

The polaroid mocks him in his peripherals. He doesn’t know what to do with his mind or his body, so Levi whirls and lets his fist fly. Bang! The sound echoes through the apartment like a scream in an empty cave. He glares at his past self, vacant and docile, only knowing the world in silhouetted shadows. “You are a fool, Levi Fontana.” His gaze moves to the new dent on the fridge door. “An utter fool.” Bruises ache hot on his knuckles again; an accessory he hasn’t sported for a long time.

Over the years, at some mysterious point in time, he’d placed himself in Ace’s hands. Insidiously slow, Levi now cares about what he thinks and what he does, has let this mess of a man worm beneath the surface and infect his very blood.

He can’t be in the apartment. Their apartment. So he leaves. Just like that, he lapses back into his childhood: Walking and walking until his feet burn with blisters. And just like back then, no matter where the wind takes him, Levi never finds freedom at the end of the line — only more reasons to run.

Chapter Text

[ Fuck you. Don’t call or text me anymore. ]

The message burns itself into him. There have been other times where he thought it might be over between them, but none of them felt this way. Ace hasn’t ceased to exist like those other occasions. He is silent and everywhere. Levi can’t forget. His mind paces a prison of its own making and loops over the same expressions, the same phrases.

I’ll try to be good.

Those words are the worst of all.

He pockets his phone and turns over the polaroid picture on the fridge, pinning the empty rectangle back in place. 

He needs to find himself; the shadow fused to the mask. Maybe, if he does, he can create a new sense of normal that isn’t reliant on anyone else. So Levi flees from the apartment again, surrendering himself to the will of the wind.

It blows him into the darkness of a dive bar. The floor is sticky with spilled beer, the air brewing with low voices and the occasional clack of a pool game in session. Levi gives the patrons a cursory sweep before he finds a stool and orders a drink. Perhaps he’ll sleep with someone. He has permission to do so — if that still even matters. Two candidates in the bar stand out.

The first: A jaded woman in a corner booth by herself, hair streaked with silver, likely somewhere in her fifties. Probably quite experienced, and also less likely to attach meaning to anything.

The second: One of the men playing pool, heavy-set. A far-fetched gambit, but alluring for that very reason — definitely the type to spit slurs. He looks good whenever he bends over to make a shot.

“Hello, puppet. Small world.”

Levi jumps and turns on his stool. David is sitting a few seats away from him. “David. What an odd coincidence.” He considers the environment. “Well. Perhaps it isn’t so surprising.”

“Wow. Horrendous manners. Usually you’re the type to behave.”

Levi brings his beer closer, though still leaves a stool between them. “I believe you find me irritating regardless of whether I pretend to have manners or not. So I won’t bother.”

“Really. Well, don’t expect me to praise you for being uncivilized — as amusing as it is to see.” David peers at him sidelong before continuing to nurse his drink. The other candidates vanish on the spot. “What brings you here?”

Levi contemplates this. “Escapism,” he answers. “And some rebellion, perhaps. My strings have been wound rather tight.”

“I see. Cutting loose now that you’re unsupervised?”

“Something like that.”

“And then your dance will resume, I take it.”

Levi doesn’t have an answer to this.

“Poor puppet.” David grins, seeing right through him, and takes another sip. “Forced from the glamor of the stage and into the doghouse. Though I suppose a doghouse would also feel like home to you, all things considered.”

Levi informs him, “You’re very obnoxious, David.”

“So I hear.” He moves onto the empty stool between them, spinning it around to face the rest of the bar, leaning back on the counter. “I have to say, you couldn’t have chosen a worse bar to pick someone up. The selection is abysmal. But you really should go and flirt with someone — watching a shitshow like that sounds like prime entertainment.”

Levi studies him in profile. David’s smile is a barren desert. He looks as though he has slept in the same rumpled, partially unbuttoned work shirt for three days straight, and his hair is a similar spectacle of neglect. “From where I’m sitting, I would not call the selection ‘abysmal’. But to each their own, as they say.”

David twitches out of his reverie and centers Levi with a wide-open look. It quickly dissolves when he snorts and bursts into sour laughter. “Oh, you can absolutely fuck off. Ha! Just incredible.” He whirls the stool back around and gestures to the bartender. “I would like another drink, please.”

Not a promising start. Levi shrugs and says, “Your reaction doesn’t change the facts: You’re the most attractive person here by quite a wide margin. It was worth the attempt.”

“You’re shameless,” David tells him.

“Always have been. It’s rather unfortunate.”

This earns a reluctant smirk. “To be fair, a surplus of shame and remorse is even more unfortunate. Better to have none than have it in excess.”

Levi swirls his drink, studying the film of remaining suds along the rim of the glass. “I wonder if that’s true.”

I wish you could love me, Levi.

He shakes his head and drowns out the words with another sip of beer. No, he isn’t really a stranger to shame — though it’s different in its nature. “At any rate, the outcome is the same. You insinuate our differences, but we’re both here, are we not? Your true nature is as spurned as mine. And I happen to like that about you.”

David’s new drink arrives. He nods to the bartender and takes a long gulp from his refilled glass. He sets it back on the bar with a heavy clunk. “Levi, your flirting makes me want to black out and escape the hell of existing in your presence.”

“That is an exaggeration,” Levi contends. “In fact, I’m starting to believe you’re somewhat charmed.”

“How delusional of you,” he says, though his voice is brightened around a snicker. “Granted, you did at least say I was attractive. You’ve raised the bar just barely out of hell. Congratulations.”

“So the bar can be moved, then.”

David takes pause at this. “What can I say? I’m an opportunist.” In other words, he’s like a hyena when it comes to sex, scavenging what he can get. “But you’ve forced me to point out the obvious now: You may be in the doghouse, yet you’re still in a committed relationship as far as I’m aware.”

“That is true.” Levi finishes off his first drink and orders another. “I suppose that matters.”

“Obviously? What kind of person do you take me for — someone like you?”

“From my perspective you’re worse,” Levi points out. “You’re capable of genuine love and empathy, but willingly choose to withhold them. It would be nice to have a choice. I might have envied you once.” Instead of responding, David says nothing and opts to bury his face in his drink. “Ace told me I could take what I need, if that helps.”

“It does. Substantially. You should have said that much earlier,”

Levi shrugs. He pauses to think. “In that case… I believe I’m supposed to buy you a drink now, correct?” This earns a snort of disdain, but David relents and accepts the offer in the end. From there the scales tip, and their talk becomes little more than a prelude for them to get drunk enough to enjoy one another.

They end up in the hallway leading to the bathrooms. David is against the wall, peering up with an emotion pinned between disgust and desire.

As Levi braces a hand on either side of this frail, skinny body, he wonders if he has a type after all. Here is yet another disheveled man with bad habits and a sharp tongue. Or maybe it’s the parasite in his chest guiding him subconsciously to what he wants. And the person he wants isn’t David. Not really.

But his lips are close now. His breath smells like numbness and chemicals. Levi leans near. He hopes for a kiss that will turn the lock — either to imprison his pacing mind or set him free. It doesn’t matter which.

“Hey you,” a gruff voice cuts sharply through the hall. “This isn’t a fucking gay bar. Have some goddamn decency.” Levi and David glance over, snapped abruptly out of their stupor. Sure enough, the man Levi initially considered sleeping with had stepped away from the pool game.

“You’re definitely more attractive from a distance.” Levi eyes him up and down. “Though I suppose I might’ve fucked you anyway. I’m not particular.”

“What the hell did you just say?!”

David slurs, “Aww, is the widdle baby uncomfortable? Are the big, mean gays too scary to see out in public?”

The stranger surges in to punch his face. And while wanting to punch David is understandable, Levi catches the man's fist mid-flight and shoves him away. It escalates in a soupy blur: Other men from the bar converge in a flash of fists and hollering. Levi shifts quickly into a tucked boxer’s stance, blows landing on his raised forearms. He beats them back. His face hurts from grinning. Everything else vanishes, and he finally recognizes himself again.

This should feel good, shouldn’t it? Freeing, at the very least. This was what he wanted. Yet the walls of a tomb close in, so narrow he can barely breathe. No matter where his fists land they only connect with walls of bone-shattering stone.

“In here, you idiot!” David shouts. Levi is yanked by the back of his shirt into the bar’s bathroom. David throws himself against the door and locks it. “What a disaster. It figures.” He stumbles back as their enemies bang on the door and yell, then he whirls on Levi. “Are you insane? You threw yourself into that brawl with far too much enthusiasm…” The color drains from his face. “Shit. Move.” He shoulders Levi aside and collapses over the toilet to throw up.

“I take it we aren’t going to have sex then.”

David gives him a middle finger over his shoulder.

There aren’t any windows for them to abscond from, so there’s nothing to do except wait for things to settle down outside. The banging has stopped at least, replaced by a harsh conversation out in the hall. “It sounds like those people are getting kicked out,” Levi notes. “Would you like me to call a taxi for you?”

It’s unclear whether the question lands. David garbles out a word between heaves — not a yes or no. In what is surely pained delirium, he tries to repeat himself, croaking out a set of syllables that sound like ‘Xander’.

“You want me to contact Xander?” Levi attempts to confirm. “He may not be available to assist you, but I can call and see.” As he scrolls through his contacts, David babbles something into the toilet that is impossible to understand. Levi shrugs and lifts the phone to his ear.

It rings a few times before Xander picks up. “Hello there! What’s up, Levi?”

“Hello.” Levi sways on his feet and falls back against the sink. “I think David wants you to pick him up? We were drinking, and a fight broke out. We’re hiding in the bathroom currently… David is quite ill — more intoxicated than I realized.” The momentary silence on the other end forces him to acknowledge how abrupt this all is. “I apologize. I think I’m a bit drunk as well.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Xander assures him. “David… He asked for me?”

Levi tilts his head. Not ‘Mr. David’ this time. “I believe so. It came out muddled.”

“Ah, to be expected I suppose. Where are you two?”

Levi squints at the wall. “A bar. Somewhere.”

“Probably the usual place. A bit dark and dingy? A single, banged-up pool table?”

“Yes.”

Xander sighs. “All right. If David actually wants my help, then I’ll be there right away. Ah, but I’m also with Teruko at the moment…”

Levi remarks, “So the two of you got together after all.”

“Ah, no! Yes? It’s a little complicated.” He chuckles to himself. “At any rate, we’ll be there shortly.”

In the background Teruko complains, “Seriously, Xander? What do you mean ‘we'?”

“See you soon.” Xander hangs up, likely to face her ire.

Judging by David’s current dark expression, Levi knows he’s up against a similar situation. He has clearly misinterpreted his wishes. “I’ll kill you,” David garbles from the floor. “I’ll kill your entire family.”

Levi smiles at this threat. “Hm. Be my guest.”

“I despise you.”

“I’m aware. You’ve already said so.” Peering down at the mess before him, he is struck by a repeating thought, and decides to voice it this time. “You remind me of Ace.”

“Me. And him.” David points a finger at himself. “You think I’m like Ace.” When Levi nods, he collapses against the wall. “If that’s true… I’m going to swan dive off a bridge at the earliest opportunity.”

“How dramatic.”

“Correction: I’ll swan dive off a bridge after I slaughter you.”

“And my entire family.”

“Yes.”

Levi remarks, “I would be amused to see you attempt to kill me. Stronger, smarter men have tried and failed. But perhaps you could catch me off guard. It’s not impossible.” He strokes his chin in thought. “I believe you’d have an advantage, actually. You’re the type of person I tend to underestimate.”

“Now you’re being too forthcoming,” David mumbles. “Go back to being a well-mannered dog, please.” 

His chin is slimy with vomit. Levi grabs some paper towel from next to the sink and kneels in front of him, wiping the bile off his face. “Woof.”

David cracks a tired smile. He doesn’t fight back as Levi tries to make him look somewhat more presentable. “I would’ve been beaten black and blue earlier,” he mutters. “Wouldn’t have been the first time. Still. Nice that it didn’t happen again.” With a heavy, idle hand, he traces a touch along the new bruises on Levi’s arm. “You look good with these.”

Levi’s eyes flutter shut at this simulacrum of solace. He is certain he’s heard the same words whispered under a filter of hazy moonlight, Ace curled close with just as many marks. When the touch pulls away, Levi is choked with loss when he opens his eyes again and sees David slumped there against the wall, an incomplete replica, a lump of misshapen clay.

“For a moment, when you caught that moron’s fist and defended me… you reminded me of him.” David pushes back his stringy bangs, staring blankly at a stain on the floor. “But then you grinned, and it looked so utterly selfish. He would never make a face like that.”

“I see.” Levi shuffles in beside him, their backs against the wall. Since David is being surprisingly candid, he decides to be candid in return: “If I’d slept with you, I don’t think it would have been satisfying. It might have been fun, and yet… I suspect this is a better outcome.”

“Ha. You really need to keep thoughts like that to yourself, puppet.” David shuts his eyes. “To be clear, you wouldn’t have satisfied me either.”

There’s nothing else to say.

Before long there’s a tap on the bathroom door. “Levi? Mr. David?” Xander’s voice reaches them. “Are you still in there? Things seem to have settled down. You can come out.”

David freezes up, so Levi climbs to his feet and lets Xander inside. “Thank you for coming,” he says.

“It’s nothing, really.” Xander gives his shoulder a hearty clap and steps around him to approach David. “Don’t worry about the rest of tonight, Mr. David — if you need me, I’ll offer whatever I can.”

All of the man’s snide remarks have withered away. David sits on the floor, helplessly peering up at Xander as though the ceiling and the sky had opened to reveal some manner of celestial horror.

Xander crouches down and helps David to his feet. He intones, “Would you like to stay at my place tonight?”

David’s features shudder. “I… Yes.”

“Good choice! I have all sorts of hangover remedies at the ready.”

Levi steps aside as they move to the door — only for David to grind to a staggering halt. Teruko has taken up a post out in the hall, her arms crossed. She looks older than she should, due in part to her hair having gone entirely grey.

“What is she doing here.” It’s the tone David might have used if that punch from earlier had landed. “You think you have the right to appear back in my life like everything is normal? Are you expecting any of us to forget about Mai?”

Teruko’s mouth tightens. “Hello to you too. You haven’t changed at all.”

“What happened with Mai was an accident,” Xander cuts in.

David bites back, “I don’t care what it was.”

The three enter a silent standoff. Levi glances between them, then drunkenly blurts, “I, for one, had forgotten about Mai entirely.”

“You don’t count,” David grumbles.

Teruko’s mouth tilts in a half-smile. “Hey, at least he knows how to be honest.”

This makes David laugh, and even though it radiates scorn it manages to break the tension. “That hulking, pitiable creature, honest? Hardly. Have you never seen him try to smile? Makes my skin crawl. And you know what? His real smile is even more disturbing, it turns out.”

Xander chides, “Why are you being so vitriolic? He’s been a good friend to you tonight, as far as I can gather.” David sulks, pacified for now. They all move out from the hall and through the bar.

A cop is speaking with one of the staff members.

Levi averts his eyes. He fights a wave of instinctual, nauseous tension, trying not to move any quicker or slower. He loses track of what everyone is saying. Time slows to a skidding, sludgy crawl.

He only snaps back once they’re outside. “Uh, Levi?” Teruko is eying him. They all are. “You’d might as well catch a ride with us.”

“That’s right,” Xander agrees. “You’re hardly better off than Mr. David.”

A familiar ringing bounces around his skull, the itch of being hunted and hounded. “It’s fine,” he says, shuffling in place. “I can walk. I should—”

“No.” David points a stern finger that drifts a bit. “You’re getting a ride home. What if those bastards are still lurking in the area and decide to jump you? Don’t be a fool.”

It also seems foolish to get into a vehicle with Teruko Tawaki, but he is herded to Xander’s car before he can express this. Perhaps it would be foolish to raise such an argument, because despite Teruko’s past assertions, Levi is all too aware of invisible curses. Namely, which ones are real.

That, and Xander seems alive and well thus far, despite associating with her.

David climbs into the back and pulls him in. The city streets waver around idle words until Levi is left standing in front of his apartment building. He’s so drunk that he barely avoids falling face-first into the lobby. A faint impression lingers: David had added his number into Levi’s phone and sent him off with a callous phrase, but it won’t coalesce into anything real.

It’s his birthday all over again. Emptiness pervades the world.  On a whim Levi drags himself over to the tenant mailboxes, sorts through his keyring and opens the one that belongs to him and Ace.

A new package is sitting there — because of course the gift would arrive today, of all days. Levi brings it up to the apartment.

He hunkers down on the kitchen floor with his back against the pantry door, picking slowly at the packing tape. When he opens the flaps and sees his belated birthday present, his chest winds warm and hurts him somewhere new.

It’s a water bottle.

Levi lifts it out of the box. Ace has filled it with lollipops — an overseas brand Levi mentioned liking perhaps only once or twice. He untwists the cap. There’s yet another layer to the gift, for when he plucks out one of the lollipops he notices a small piece of paper taped to the stick. It reads: ‘My first sexual experience was blowing some dude at the back of a barn. Beleive me when I say it fucking sucked (no pun intended I’m not some loser like Whit). What was your first time like?’

Levi smiles, and it feels like a knife. “You spelled ‘believe’ wrong.” He laughs to himself. Another knife. His first time was at a glory hole — a useless memory not worth recounting, like many others. Upon inspection, all of the lollipops have little notes like these; conversation starters, random remarks, compliments and reminiscences. Levi reads another one:

‘Remember when my shitty, stupid kneecap popped out? We ended up laughing really hard on the way home from the hospital about something, but I can’t remember what got us going anymore, probably cause I was delirious. Still, I’m glad you were there.’

Levi sets the bottle aside and takes out his phone. He knows what result to expect, but calls Ace anyway. The line rings and rings, then goes to his voicemail:

“I’m busy. Leave a message and fuck off.”

Beep!

“Your present arrived.” Levi lets his head rest against the pantry. “Thank you, it’s very thoughtful. I wish I could reach you.” A wave of dizziness forces him to trail off and almost sends him sliding sideways to the floor. “You don’t have to be good. You’ve told me that before and I feel the same way. Neither of us can claim to be truly good after all, and I’m grateful to you for that, because it means we’ve made things work in our own way.” Bile rises in his throat. He fights the burn of it down and continues, “I think I went too far before. I was angry, but that doesn’t mean I want you to suffer, or that I’d be happier to turn away and block you out. The truth is, I’ve been relying on you. Could I have stayed on this path without you by my side? I'm not so sure anymore.” His drunken rambling takes on a choked quality. He stops to press his eyes. “Please remember this one thing, Ace: If it was possible, if I had the ability, if I could be any different… I would love you with all my heart.”

Levi hangs up. He reaches for a lollipop he’d discarded on the floor, takes off the wrapper and tries to soothe himself in its sweetness. It doesn’t work. Instead, the flavor reminds him of nine years ago: That first night, and the way Ace looked in the art room of Hope’s Peak, softened by a shimmer of Halloween lanterns. The words he’d said after their first kiss remain as clear as the day they were spoken:

Hey, I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re a good person or not. Never have, never will. 

Despite this, Levi put in an effort to be someone better anyway — all for his own sake. Yet now that he’s alone, now that he has nearly been arrested again, he wonders at his own strings; a decade of them, casting their webwork into shadow. Who has he really been dancing for?

At last, he goes slack and surrenders to the hard kitchen floor, inert as wood.

Chapter Text

The carousel never stops turning.

Ace is seated on a fake horse in front of him, riding through an eternal stampede of glitter and artifice. Time passes and the world whirls around them. Levi can’t close the distance. Even when he tries to call out, the tinny, mockingly bright music drowns his voice. In a last desperate bid, he dismounts, takes a step and reaches out, but the carousel is spinning so fast it sends him skidding for the edge.

He screams for Ace to turn his head and look. No response. His partner stares straight ahead, focused on a finish line that doesn’t exist. Levi is flung away from the lights and music into an endless void.

Thud!

He cracks his eyes open with a grumble, splayed across the area rug of the living room. “Hrm…?” Levi sits up, rubbing his sore head. He’d fallen off the couch. Drifting off in bed has proven difficult lately, so he has slept in the living room all week. The cushy, familiar spring mattress and the scents etched into the sheets make him ache with lost routines. 

Levi pushes himself from the floor and starts his day, his spirits flattened under yet another hangover.

A silent breakfast.

A silent deliberation over what he should wear.

A silent departure.

His commute would have gone on in the same weary silence, if a story on the radio hadn’t caught his attention:

“In other news, tomorrow marks the opening ceremony of the World Equestrian Championship: An event as prestigious as it is controversial. Speaking of controversy, this time the infamous jockey, Ace Markey, is stepping up to the plate to represent us on the world stage. Regardless of the outcome, it’s sure to be a spectacle!”

The radio host moves on, but Levi’s mind grinds to a halt. His partner’s skill has always been apparent, but not to the extent of him being a household name. “Infamous?” Levi wonders aloud. “What did you do to become ‘infamous’, Ace?” Though it doesn’t take much pondering: Ace probably gained a reputation solely through being himself. The thought heats Levi with a fond pang.

Since leaving that foolish, drunken voice message, he hasn’t heard anything.

“You’re probably worried about tomorrow, aren’t you.”

Of course, the silence remains.

⤝❖⤞

It isn’t a real race. Even so, it’s the closest Levi has come to seeing one in person. He looks over the stunt double’s jockey costume one more time, then sends him out toward the track where professionals wrangle the horses by the starting gate. A team of medics are on standby. Falling from a horse is dangerous after all, even when it’s a planned maneuver. Levi has seen many versions of the aftermath firsthand: Bruises, scrapes, sprains, broken bones, dislocations, painkillers and long recoveries. Slings and braces, casts and crutches. The list goes on; a litany of all the ways a body can break.

And yet, no matter how severe the injury, Ace would always get up again.

A bell rings and the gates clack open. The cameras zip after the horses on a high-speed rig along the track. Levi watches shot after shot of the stunt double careening to the ground. Up close, it’s easier to imagine how each impact would feel without the safety measures in place; a shoulder crashing hard to the dirt, a chaotic whirlwind of uncontrollable rolling and the fear of possibly being trampled to death, all in the span of an instant. 

Ace is still pathetic in many ways. But with his fears on blatant display, it’s impossible not to see his bravery here as well; a spill of his blood in the dirt, alongside countless other ways he has sacrificed himself to this altar of ruthless speed. Levi grips the rail on the outside of the track. Perhaps he’d been too dismissive when Ace dragged his feet. There is a lot here to be afraid of.

His fingers twitch for his notebook. He didn’t bring it. Since most of his notes pertain to Ace in some way, he may never use it again. The goal of understanding him was always impossible. He shouldn’t feel the loss of it hollowing him out further. He does.

Levi turns to his coworker and strikes up a useless conversation that he forgets as soon as it happens. Trudging forward is the only option. Life carries on, even when it’s going nowhere.

⤝❖⤞

Still hungover, he spends a quiet evening at home, the wind of his wanderlust having died out after the incident at the bar. Levi relaxes out on the balcony in a deck chair. City lights spangle the scenery below all the way to the horizon, like sequins glittering off an endless bolt of black cloth. There’s beauty in this view. The thought repeats. He tries to hold it in his grip. It keeps slipping away.

Feeling fidgety, he takes out his phone and types a message:

[ Get out of whatever bar you’re drinking in and go home. ] Feeling sufficiently annoying, he sends it to David. The answer is swift:

[ No. ] A pause as he types. [ I’m going to block your number one of these days. ]

[ OK, though I believe you were the one who put your number in my phone in the first place. ] It’s clear that David will try to steer the conversation elsewhere, so he persists: [ I still insist on my prior message. It’s late. ] Levi sends another message where he tries to string together a series of emojis, but ends up scrutinizing them after he hits ‘send’. Was the knife at the end too threatening?

Fortunately, David seems to understand. [ You’re so irritating. FINE. I’ll head home. ]

[ Send proof. ]

[ Ignoring you now. Go to sleep. ]

Levi rolls his eyes. He considers padding off to bed, until his phone vibrates and chimes in his hand. He jolts up in the chair.

It’s a video call. From Ace.

His finger shakes as he swipes to answer. Then he appears: Ace, lit cold by fluorescent lights, his eye-sockets and cheekbones emphasized in dark, severe strokes. It’s hard to tell where he is, though it isn’t the hotel room judging by the grungy floor tiles.

The silence screams between them.

“Ace.” Levi wrestles with words and phrases, only to settle on what’s true: “It’s good to see you.”

His partner’s eyes dart aside, but settle back on Levi’s face eventually. The phone camera trembles in his grip. After a struggle, he says, “I got your message. I think I’ve listened to it… like ten times.” He lowers his head into his palm, probably to hide his face. “You were seriously drunk, huh. But I can tell you meant some of that stuff you said.” His shoulders shake.

Levi takes in the fact that he’s in his jockey uniform, already well into his day, and the pieces snap into place. “Today marks the beginning of the competition, correct? You must be very nervous.”

“Yeah.” His voice breaks around the syllable. “It’s a lot, and I have to be out there soon. So here I am. You know, having a meltdown and throwing up like I always do. Your words, not mine.” Before Levi can get in an apology, he goes on, “It’s not like you were wrong though — about a lot of that stuff. I’ve been going in circles for ten years. It’s fucking true.” He finally lowers his hand from his face, his eyes glinting with pain. “But it’s not like I can flip some magic switch and suddenly be less pathetic. So, before you left that message, I kept thinking… that I’d have to pull the plug on us. I haven’t seen you like that for a long time, and I didn’t want this to be over, and—!” The screen shifts to a view of the paneled ceiling when he places the phone on the floor.

“I don’t want this to be over either,” Levi tells him.

For a while all he gets in response is ragged breathing. “Good,” Ace stammers out. “Because I need you. I didn’t wanna say it before, ‘cause I’m a fucking tool, but I really do. Will you still help me? I really… wanted to do this better… and here I am, losing my shit instead of treating you right…”

“Don’t worry about it. I can see you’re having difficulties.” Levi is just glad the silence has been broken. He doesn’t need to give his next words much thought, because they couldn’t be more natural to him now: “How can I help?”

“Maybe…” His voice shudders out as he gulps for air. “Maybe you could get your guitar…?”

Levi jumps up from the chair and strides back into the soft glow of the apartment. His guitar is already tuned and sitting in the living room from when he’d practiced earlier. He props the phone on the coffee table and swings the instrument over his lap. This time he manages to string together a song for Ace; a slow, pre-Tragedy standard: ‘Insensatez’.

Levi doesn’t know the words, so he hums the melody as he plays. He doesn’t know the language of love either, so he feels around its shape. After dancing around its outline for years on end, he thinks he might know a scattered refrain of it now: Love, and the way it shifts like music. It’s out of tune, weakly voiced, but even these few notes are more than Levi thought he was capable of.

He knows, deep down, that he will never sing like this for anyone else.

When the performance winds down he checks in, and sees his partner on the other end of the screen, breathing easier. Not calm, but lucid. “Heh.” Ace even smiles. “That was nice and all, but also the mopiest shit I’ve ever heard.”

“It does sound a bit sulky, doesn’t it.”

They share in a bit of laughter. Even though it’s strained, Levi hasn’t felt this good for a while. It coaxes all his cravings to the surface. “Ace?” He sets the guitar aside. “I have a selfish request.”

“Yeah? Go on.”

Levi steels himself for the worst. “I want to see you,” he asserts. “The cost doesn’t matter. If we only see each other one day ahead of schedule, so be it. Even if you’re busy, it’s… something I desire very deeply. Will you indulge me?”

A rare gentleness creeps into the tired creases around his eyes. “You wanna cross an entire ocean, just to hold me a little sooner?”

“I do.”

Ace runs a hand through his hair, lets out a sigh and whispers, “Okay.”

Levi’s eyebrows shoot up. He’d been expecting more push-back. “Oh. I can?”

“What else do you think ‘okay’ means?” His sharpness lances back to the fore, but swiftly dips away again. “You can come see me. Honestly? I want you to selfishly want me that way. That’s all I could ever ask for, as long as it’s not some goodie-two-shoes game of pretend — and lately, I get this weird feeling it’s not.”

They watch one another with new weight. Quietly, Levi admits, “I need you too, Ace.”

A flash of swords clash in Ace’s eyes as he visibly battles his impulses.

“It’s the truth, whether you choose to believe me or not. I think I know which choice would make us both happier.”

Ace pushes himself off the dirty floor. “Yeah. I just wish it was easy, but I guess getting to the good stuff never is.” His mouth twists into a feeble shape, just short of a smile. “I’ll try harder, okay? To trust you, and understand you. You’re right that I stopped trying. Sort of wussed out.”

To Levi it feels ancient and irrelevant, but he can guess why Ace eventually dug in his heels. “You might find something good,” Levi tells him. “Something other than my crimes, or my less than ideal emotions. Maybe it will bring you closer instead of pushing you away.”

“Levi…” Ace rubs the back of his neck. “It's been rough sometimes, obviously, but those things didn’t push me away. I’ll always wanna see you for who you are in the end. By now it doesn’t matter how many crazy reveals you throw at me.” Then he smirks. “Just so we’re clear though, I’m still gonna call you out on your bullshit if I know for sure you’re lying.”

Levi shakes his head with a smile. “You’ve never pulled your punches. I don’t expect that to change.”

“Damn right. I’m gonna push you in one way or another ‘til the day I die!” His grin fades as those words catch up to him, bringing some much needed color back to his face. “Uh, anyway, I probably need to go.”

Levi nods. “We’ll talk more when I get there. Good luck, Ace.”

“Thanks. See you soon.”

The call ends. Yet the silence of Levi’s solitude doesn’t return with the same intensity. The air itself buzzes around him, lighter than before. There are more matters to discuss with him, things have not been settled neatly, but the notion that life may return to normal is a great comfort.

It’s too late at night to start pressing his workplace for time off. Considering he’d already taken some days away due to his illness, he’ll have to approach things carefully. Momentarily, he considers finding a way to watch the opening races of the championship since it’s likely being broadcast, until he recalls Ace’s wishes:

‘I don’t really want you to see me out there, ‘cause it’s not really me — it’s like I become this ball of fear shaped like me, and everything else just disappears,’ he’d said. ‘It already feels like I’m always being watched and judged anyway, and I fucking hate it. So… do me a favor and look away, okay?’

Therefore, even though the event is important, Levi defers to these words and settles into bed. He reaches for the empty water bottle on the end table and shakes out the last lollipop, indulging in its tart sweetness as he unrolls Ace’s final birthday note:

‘There wasn’t some big moment where I realized I wanted this to last. It was all the little things you do, day after day, year after year. You became a part of me while I wasn’t paying attention. You’re kind of a bastard for that, but I don’t regret it.’

For once, Levi can understand the sentiment completely. Despite being a world apart, his heart drums to the rhythm of a distant race, rushing towards victory.

⤝❖⤞

The carousel spins through his dreams again that night.

Levi stands on the sidelines. This time, when he calls out, Ace turns his head and sees him there. The carousel twirls him out of view. When it circles back around, he's out of the saddle, standing on his own two feet. Another rotation. Levi opens his arms, and Ace jumps into the dark.

Before they crash together, the dream snaps to an end.

Chapter Text

The plane touches down at midnight. Levi rises from his seat and shuffles down the aisle, restless and twitchy, tempted to trample over every slow-moving person in front of him. He fidgets with the duffel bag thrown over his shoulder as he exits the terminal and winds his way to the airport’s exit in a never ending maze of brutalist stone and glass.

Once he sets foot in the central lounge near the doors, he jerks to a halt.

In a sea of strangers and a hum of different languages he catches it: A flash of reddish-brown hair. Ace is seated on one of the faux leather benches, elbows propped on his spread knees, head lowered to his phone. The plan was to meet at the hotel, wasn’t it? Levi stands in place, every thought scattered to the wind.

Each mumbled voice and background element fades away when Ace glances up. Their eyes meet. His posture and face snap to life.

Like the answer to a wordless question, every empty space in Levi closes. 

In fact, he bursts into such sudden fullness that it hurts.

“Ace!” He rushes to close the distance, winding and weaving around other travelers as Ace springs to his feet, his eager look lapsing to one of surprise as Levi slams into him, nearly bowling him over onto the bench.

Holding him has never felt like this. Levi curls down and around him, wants to smother him and squeeze every inch. Ace doesn’t like being lifted up but the urge is hard to resist. The best part is feeling how harshly he grips back. His merciless hands, ragged and strong with hardship, the way they’ve always been, and always will be.

“Didn’t wanna wait around at the hotel,” Ace muffles against him. “So here I am.”

“Here you are,” Levi echoes as he pulls away. He frames his partner’s face in his hands, memories sewing back together with each feature he takes in. 

Ace stares back, full of defiant fire, ready to shred and burn any veil between them. Yet Levi can’t hide his own fullness. Maybe Ace sees it. With no mask or disguise to claw and bite at, his gaze retreats to the floor as he stammers out, “Can’t believe you bothered coming all the way out here. I must be a fucking amazing sex toy to give you withdrawals this bad.”

Levi runs a thumb along one of his cheeks. “You already know it’s more than that.” He angles down into a kiss. 

A taste of mint hits him, with a raw bite of acid underneath. Levi pushes in deeper even though the flavor is unappealing, because it brings him down into his own skin: A reminder of why he chose this path in the first place. Ace tastes like a long, steady life — he tastes like Levi’s second chance. The kiss takes on a desperate edge of starvation, because these lips quench an impossible, invisible appetite he can’t place.

He may never feel this strongly about Ace again. It’s sure to fade, so Levi shows him just how far his selfishness can reach. His lips, tongue and teeth push only one thought forward, again and again: He knows the shape of his solace now.

Ace grunts and eases himself back.

His blush is intense, his expression shaky. “Why… would you…?”

Levi tilts his head. “Hm?”

“Nothing.” He steps away and gestures Levi onward. “Let’s get back to the hotel.”

“Ah, right.”

They walk side by side out of the airport into the night air. A clammy wind channels its way through the crammed buildings and swirls around them from all directions. It smells different, dry charcoal paired with a strange honeysuckle sweetness. When had spring shifted into summer? The last few months have blurred together. “C’mon, this way.” Ace links their hands and takes him over to the bus stop. Levi studies their linked hands, then takes in the old buildings in the vicinity. It isn’t something they do often. Apparently, with their height difference, holding hands makes Ace feel too much like a child. Perhaps it isn’t as bad when he’s dragging Levi around like this.

As they stop and wait for the bus, Levi comments, “Your last day of racing is tomorrow, isn’t it.”

“Today, technically,” Ace corrects him. “Soon it’ll all be over.” He squeezes Levi’s hand. “So fucking close.”

“I was wondering… if perhaps I could come and watch.” Levi doesn’t phrase it as a question, and doesn’t look at his partner as he speaks, attempting to be as off-handed as possible. “I’ve been keeping track of your placements this week. It seems possible you could walk away with a medal.”

Ace lets go of his hand to rub at his arms, even though it isn’t cold out. “Don’t hold your breath on that. The horses I’ve trained with are fucking crazy fast, but so are everyone else’s, and if we’re talking purely about the other jockeys and their athleticism… I’m an old geezer next to most of them.” His movements draw Levi’s attention to the patch near his shoulder where he’d cut himself. The blade must have sliced deep for it to still be on the mend.

“Experience would play a major role, no?”

“Maybe. Whatever. I don’t really wanna talk about it — not until it’s over and done with. But… you can watch, just this once. I’ll make sure you get a good seat.”

“Thank you.” Knowing him, he is likely trying to push all future terrors from his mind. Part of Levi’s unspoken role is to help him de-stress, so he drops the subject. He rests an arm around Ace’s bunched shoulders. “There are some things I should probably tell you.”

“Oh great. You realize that sounds terrifying coming from you, right?”

The bus rolls up to the stop, hissing as its door accordions open. Ace pays for both of their fares without a word and settles next to Levi in the back where it’s dark. They lean together as the airport swoops out of view. “So?” Ace prods.

“I didn’t end up sleeping with anyone, but there was a close occasion.”

“What, did you change your mind at the last minute?”

“Not exactly.” Levi doesn’t know if being entirely up-front is a good idea, but he carries on regardless, “I ran into David at a bar, and things were heading in a certain direction. But then a fight broke out, and we were both too drunk, so nothing happened. It was for the best. I believe we’ve become friends now — though it’s very difficult to tell with him.” Ace is quiet. Levi peers down at him and murmurs, “I apologize if that makes you angry. It confused me when you said I could sleep with other people, and we never established rules…”

Ace pulls in a slow inhale, and releases an even slower exhale. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I was confused too — it was stupid to put that kind of mind-gamey shit on you. I’m not doing that ever again. I promise.” He elbows Levi. “Gonna be real though, I am so fucking glad you didn’t sleep with that smarmy prick. If I ever had to see him again he would’ve been such an asshole about it. Ugh. Why him?”

“Well, he reminds me of you, Ace.”

“You can’t be serious,” Ace groans. “If that’s true, I’m gonna jump off a goddamn bridge.”

Levi snorts, and bursts into laughter.

“What’s so funny?!”

“Nothing.” He clears his throat and tries to control himself when a few of their fellow passengers glance over. “David said nearly the same thing when I compared the two of you, that’s all.” Ace chuffs at this, some of his sourness lifting. Yet now that Levi knows how he feels about David, his brows knit. “If I continue to speak with him… will that be an issue?”

“What? Why would it be?” Ace leans off him to get a good look at his face. “You’re allowed to have friends, Levi. You deserve to have more than just me.”

Levi’s gaze falls to his lap. He fidgets with the stitching on his jeans. “Yes. I think you’re right.”

“Just don’t make David the kinda friend you fuck, and we’re golden.”

“Understood.” Levi nudges into him and teases, “Would it be different if you were there? It might be fun to team up on him.”

“Ha! Don’t push your luck.” He thinks for a moment. “Well, never say never I guess, but right now I just wanna focus on you.” Ace stands as the bus slows at the next stop. “C’mon, we’re almost there.”

Levi follows him out onto the sidewalk. The Tragedy had razed much of the world’s historic sites to the ground, but in this city there is a blend of old and new. Timeless stonework and glass marvels co-exist as though they were always meant to. He studies the strong cut of Ace’s shoulders and the straight road of his spine, all of him framed by splendor, his hair blown wild in the wind, and sees a similar patchwork city of the times they’ve shared together, a map of bright promenades and gritty side streets that exist only between the two of them. Levi strides to catch up, puppet strings pulled by a tug of warmth.

They enter the hotel. Its lobby cascades outward in ornate arches, fully accented in a post-Tragedy art-nouveau style. Levi stands and gawks at the detailed panels on the ceiling until Ace drags him along to the elevator.

He swipes his keycard and opens the door. The room beyond is steeped in dark velvet blue. “Crap, must’ve left the TV on.” Ace doesn’t bother with the lights, kicking off his sneakers and peeling his shirt over his head. Shadows from his shoulder blades cast a slant of dark wings across his bare back. He flops onto the bed. “Probably won’t sleep much, but it’s worth a shot.” He twists out of his pants and sends them flying into a pile of dirty clothes in the corner. “You’ve gotta be really fucking jet-lagged, so settle in however you want. There’s a vending machine down the hall if you’re hungry.”

Levi doesn’t think he’ll sleep well (or at all). Even so, he stands at the foot of the bed and dresses down. Ace’s attention wanders over his body as more and more is exposed, until he’s completely naked. “I think I’ll stay here.”

“Fine by me.” Ace meets his eyes again. “Want me to get you off?”

Levi slides into bed next to him, propped up on an elbow. “Later. You should rest.”

The light from the muted television flickers across his body, pale green and milky blue. It brings out wrinkles on his face that Levi never noticed before. They’re both getting older. 

“You keep looking at me like that,” Ace says.

“Like what?”

“Like I mean something.”

Levi doesn’t explain. He can’t.

Ace scoots closer, reaches over him for the remote and plunges the room in darkness. He settles into Levi’s arms. “It’s weird. Not sure if I like it.”

“Ah. That’s unfortunate,” Levi replies. “I’m not sure I can control the way I look at you.”

“Hm.” He shuffles in until their legs tangle, his brow pressed directly over Levi’s heart. Within minutes he falls slack and starts to snore. Levi holds perfectly still for him, even though the position makes his muscles ache.

He doesn’t sleep, yet as the night yields to morning he finally feels rested.

⤝❖⤞

Ace has to stop and breathe when Levi meets him for the final race at the stadium. He wraps him in a tight hug in the corridor leading out to the track, adding pressure to keep him on the ground. 

Five second inhale, five second pause, five second exhale. Repeat. 

Though it can be tiresome, breathing with him has become a way for Levi to meditate and clear his mind. Far-off spectators murmur over them, thousands of voices funneled in a constant drone. After a while Ace lets go and steps back to readjust his helmet. “All right. Think I’m ready. This is the big one. Then it’s done.” Fear and determination battle in his eyes, razors of light reflecting off them in a dance of broken glass.

Levi tilts up his chin and tells him, “From personal experience, I know that you’ve never gone down without a fight.” The thought brings out a smile. “Get out there and give them trouble, Ace.”

“I’ll sure as fuck try.” Ace takes his hand and presses a soft kiss to his knuckles. When he peers up from the gesture, his face has a pained earnestness to it: Clumsy and vulnerable. Levi is struck by a strange sensation. 

Before he can pin it down, his partner whirls around without a word and marches out into the light and noise of the stadium. Levi gazes down at his hand; a killing implement, yet it feels delicate where Ace had kissed it. He turns in the opposite direction and heads toward the VIP seating.

His box is near the track, and he has it all to himself, a sign that Ace must have pulled a lot of strings at the last minute. He checks over Ace’s placements on his phone one last time. This race has more weight than the others. Right now his placement averages have him sitting squarely in fifth, right on the cusp of losing out on a fair amount of prize money if he drops any lower.

The box has been provided with a pair of binoculars to further assist with viewing. The monitors around the stadium don’t catch every angle, so Levi makes a few adjustments to the binoculars’ focal range and centers them on the starting gate. He catches the bright oranges and yellows of Ace’s jockey silks. 

His eyes are obscured by goggles, but every limb communicates tension and focus, like a predator hunched low and ready to strike. Levi is intrigued by his stillness. As the countdown for the race starts he lowers the binoculars and rests his weight on the edge of the box. 

The gate clacks open. Ace lurches forward in the saddle to manage the sudden momentum and guides his horse toward the rail. Not a promising start — he quickly becomes boxed in a middling position. Even from here, Levi can feel the horses running. The ground vibrates when the stampede thunders past. As the action draws away he brings out the binoculars again.

It’s the smallest opening, but somehow Ace’s horse breaks free, weaving around the opponent ahead like thread through the eye of a needle. The rush of the crowd grows to a deafening roar at the final stretch, shaking Levi’s bones.

Ace spurs his horse in a final gambit, somehow recklessly pushing through narrow opening after narrow opening, until he breaks free from the pack. Levi nearly falls out of the box from leaning too far.

His partner slips from fifth, to fourth, to third, and passes the line in second place. The crowd is all Levi can hear and Ace is all he can see, a flame burning bright on the track. Not a first place finish, but impressive just the same. Various people surround him as he dismounts, presumably coaches, trainers and sponsors.

Ace shirks all of them off. He sprints down the track, straight for Levi.

The barrier is nothing: Levi vaults over the edge of the box and drops down to the dirt. He’s there to catch Ace when he leaps up into his arms, clinging with every limb, legs locking around Levi’s waist. His body bursts with life: Breathless, sweaty and covered in dust from the track. 

Ace pulls back to look at him, arms looped around Levi’s neck like a harness. His eyes glint feral with achievement and his mouth pulls into a lopsided grin. “Not bad, right?”

Levi stops functioning for a moment. The bright daylight shining on him, the ceaseless cheers of the crowd, the intimate sensation of supporting his weight… there simply isn’t space for words. Ace lunges in and takes his speechless mouth. Levi shuts his eyes. They kiss their way through the adrenaline the way they always have, except this time it’s more of a transfer: Ace comes away calmer, while Levi finds himself short of breath.

Eventually, with effort, he finds his words again: “I’m very impressed.”

Ace kisses him again, gentle this time, then taps his arm to be put down. Levi sets him back on his feet. “Glad that’s over with. Just gotta get through a few stupid-ass formalities, and we can go home.” He takes off his helmet and shakes out his hair, then gives Levi a double-take. “Aw crap — I went and got dirt all over you. This isn’t one of your crazy expensive shirts, is it?” He tries to brush the dust off with little success.

“Markey!” A voice calls out. A fit, grey-haired man stands off to the side with his arms crossed. “Get your ass to the podium and bask in the glory! You can save the smooching for later.” He casts Levi an arch look. “So you’re his boyfriend, huh.”

Ace turns on the man and makes a fist. “Don’t fucking mess with him or you’ll regret it!”

“Ha! Why would I mess with him? You think I’m stupid? He’s huge.”

Ace grumbles something under his breath. He glances back at Levi and says, “I’ll come and find you later, all right? There’s probably champagne going around in the VIP section. You should get in on that.”

“Later, then.”

Ace marches off across the trampled dirt. Levi watches him go before heading toward one of the halls leading out of the track. He takes a few wrong turns before finding his way back to the VIP section, where reporters swarm in.

“You’re Ace Markey’s partner, aren’t you?” Microphones are pushed at him. “Would you mind sparing a few words?”

“Is he as… energetic at home as he is on the track?”

“Any engagement plans in the future?”

Levi raises his hands, warding back some of the microphones. “I, ah… No comment?”

A loud voice cuts in, “Leave him be, you jackals!” A woman grabs his arm and pulls him into one of the private boxes.

“Thank you.” Levi lets out a breath, then studies her a moment longer, because she looks familiar. “Oh. You were the one Ace was drinking with.”

“Yeah.” She rubs her arm and looks away. “We haven’t talked for a while. He blew up at me and… I was kinda done after that. He’s a lot, you know? But it’s not like I’ve got a grudge or anything.” She centers Levi with a grin, then fetches a bottle of champagne from an ice bucket alongside a couple glasses. “Here, you do the honors!” She hands him the bottle, and he pops the cork, quick and efficient. “Damn! You didn’t even need to loosen it first? Guess you’re as strong as you look. Cheers!” They clink their champagne flutes together and drink.

People bustle across the track below like a colony of ants, making preparations around the podium. Ace is slumped in a folding chair, water in hand. Even from a distance it’s clear his body has caught up to him. Levi mutters, “I should have been here sooner. I have a feeling Ace hasn’t been faring well.”

“I mean, you’re here for his big moment, right? He seemed pretty happy. That dramatic kiss of yours was up on some of the monitors.”

“I see.” Levi isn’t embarrassed, though now he understands what Ace meant by always feeling watched.

“When you take him home… make sure to take good care of him.” Ace’s former friend polishes off her champagne and says, “I want him to live a long life.”

“Yes. So do I.” A soreness beats at the base of Levi’s throat. He takes in his partner from afar, crumpled in the chair, utterly spent.

The ceremony eventually gets underway. Racehorses are awarded their ribbons, and jockeys awarded their medals based on their overall placements. Due to the weight of this final race, Ace had managed to jump from fifth place to third. Bronze goes well with his hair, though Levi knows it’s a color that Ace hates. He prefers the color of the night sky, and the dark purples Levi himself often wears. The intimate hue of bruises.

Bronze is a lofty achievement in a global arena such as this, but as Ace accepts the medal, Levi sees that his mind is elsewhere, running far from the track, running home.

⤝❖⤞

The ‘formalities’ involved with being a world-class athlete had lasted too damn long.

A waiting game. First Ace needed to wash off the grit of the track, then there was dinner with his coaches and sponsors, then an interview, and on, and on…

Maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad if Ace hadn’t groped him under the dinner table. Or if he’d let up with the bedroom glances. But he hadn’t. Not even slightly. Getting through the after-party was legitimate torture. Useless conversation after useless conversation, Ace taunting him all the while.

So Levi eats him alive out in the hotel corridor, rocking him up against the soft glow of the vending machine, utterly out of fucks to pretend to give. “Shit — come on, Levi. Not out here,” Ace groans out, piece by interrupted piece. “The room. It’s literally… ten steps away.”

“So?”

“What do you mean ‘so’? Freak.”

“I won’t deny it. But you only make me worse,” Levi murmurs against his lips. “Did you not, in fact, encourage me to jerk off in public fairly recently?”

Ace beams with the relish of a demon. “Hey, it’s not my fault you listened.” He slides out of Levi’s hands like water and sprints down the hall. Slippery bastard. Levi chases after him, instincts chafed raw. Ace fumbles with the keycard, dives into their room and vanishes into the shadows.

Once the door is shut, the only light comes from red, city-smudged neon beaming in through the window. It’s quiet. A clammy breeze billows the curtains. “Considering the day you’ve had, I’m not sure how you can be so rambunctious at this hour,” Levi notes as he feels along the wall. The light switch must be further inside. He creeps forward, scanning every shadowy nook for movement.

Something lashes the back of his knees. Levi staggers forward. Familiar weight piles on him from behind and sends him to the floor.

“Ha! Got you, bitch!” Ace cackles, trying to wrap him in a headlock.

Levi manages to grapple one of his arms and throw him off. They roll and thrash and laugh and curse across the floor until Ace is facedown, his cheek jammed into the carpet. They catch their breath. Levi takes time to appreciate the contours of Ace’s head beneath the pressure of his palm; this fragile, crushable skull. He makes a fist, grabbing his hair, the texture rough and damaged from too much product. “I forgot how troublesome you are,” he muses. “Already so desperate to be put in your place.”

“Fuck you,” he spits, angling out his hips and spreading his legs. 

Levi follows the cue and reaches around to unclasp Ace’s belt. He works quick, eager to tug down his pants, just enough to expose his ass. Perfect as ever. Levi gives it a rough slap. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of this.” He reaches into his jeans for a small bottle of lube and a condom — always useful to have near at hand. “Finally, I don’t have to imagine you anymore.”

Ace doesn’t comment. A muscle in his jaw flexes. “Hit me again.”

Levi slaps his ass harder, enough to wring out a pained cry. That voice. It almost never fails to get him off. His hands fumble with anticipation as he rolls the condom on and slicks himself up with lube. Levi gets lost, touching himself with one hand and prepping Ace with the other, a trance of warm, sliding skin.

Ace pushes into his fingers and lets out a long, happy sigh. “Already feels so fucking good. Damn, I missed this.”

Levi almost blurts out ‘me too’, but catches himself just in time. Instead he grabs Ace by the waist and flips him onto his back, pulling his pants down and throwing everything across the room, boots and all. He crawls back up his partner’s body. A kiss to the scar on his shin. A kiss to the knee that gives him trouble. Kisses up the length of his sore, trembling thighs. He laps at his balls and cock, glancing up as Ace props himself on an elbow to watch, eyes heavy and dark.

“Thought you were supposed to be putting me in my place… not that I’m complaining,” he says. His legs fall open when Levi hollows his cheeks and sucks hard. “You and that mouth. Fuck.” When his body tenses Levi lets up, licking his lips.

“You’re so helpless,” he murmurs. “Reeling from a few seconds of head.”

“Fuck off.” Ace snickers and spreads himself across the floor. Levi follows the movement, pushing his legs back and rearing over him like a wave poised to crash. This time, he pushes in slow, charting every shift in Ace’s expression and body, the edges of him that sharpen, and the edges that lose their tension and go slack. Every angle glows with the bite of red neon. Levi reaches for one of his hands and laces their fingers together. Ace grips hard and angles his head back, letting out a gravelly hum as he takes inch upon inch.

The bars of a cell, but yielding.

Levi sinks into his prison; one he is glad for. He bottoms out with a shudder. His eyes flutter shut of their own accord as he takes up a rhythm. A door closes inside him and locks. At face value, it isn’t that Ace feels particularly incredible — he has gotten looser over the years, after all. The answer is just out of reach. Levi only used to feel this way about his hands, their roughness and ugliness somehow perfect. Now it’s all of him.

“Oh yeah… That’s the good stuff,” Ace huffs out, prompting Levi to open his eyes. His partner is drinking him in, a smug tilt to his mouth. “Feeling good?”

“Yes. Very.”

His expression is an invisible flick of the reins. Levi churns his hips faster, mesmerized when he spots goosebumps sweep over Ace’s arms in response. The self-satisfied smile fades as his lips part. A cutting flash of teeth. Beautiful. He’s beautiful the way that survival is. Not pretty, but reliably shining; a well-crafted knife.

“Can you… stop that?” Ace groans out, a sliver of hurt marring him.

“Mm?” Levi slows his pace.

“Don’t look.” He angles his free arm over his face. “I don’t know what to do… when you make that fucking face at me.”

It’s clear what face he means, and it’s one Levi can’t change. He stops. The room goes still. Hopelessness pools leaden through him. “Ace.” Levi untangles their hands. “You're already aware that I can’t hide from you.”

Ace lowers his arm. “Yeah. I know,” he whispers.

“What you see is the truth,” Levi tells him. “You’ve always seen me. And accepted me. Now that we’ve come so far, it’s painful when you turn away.”

Ace grimaces, as though Levi had reached into his body and pinched somewhere primal. “Wanna know something?” He chuckles joylessly. “I always wanted to be able to hurt you — and not the superficial kind of shit. I wanted the power to rip your fucking heart out. But now…” His eyes glisten, and he pauses to blink back tears. “You actually give a crap about me?”

“Yes.” Levi can’t contain himself anymore. “I missed you, Ace.” He starts to move again, a gentle pace. “I missed you…”

Ace examines him with precision. He lets out a small gasp that almost sounds wounded. “Hey…” He reaches out and cups his face. “Fuck. I'm sorry. I’ve got you now, Levi. Don’t cry, okay?” He pulls him down closer. “Just… fall into me. I’m here.”

Levi curls over him as they wrap onto one another, limbs tightly wound. His eyes are misty. He squeezes them shut, and lets Ace catch him, driving his hips slow and hard. They moan into each other’s skin.

It isn’t a conversation written in bruises and bloodshed. This is not how their bodies usually talk. It’s sex, and it isn’t.

It’s the vulnerability of what it means to miss him. It’s the terror that comes from the world expanding just a little bit more. It’s the violence and calm of the ocean between them, tossing them apart only to buoy them back to the shore of one another again and again. Ace’s body and moods move in waves. Levi rides the dichotomy of bracing for pleasure and opening himself wide to pain.

They merge until they break, sweaty and shaking, drenched in the dawn.

Chapter Text

Ace leaves his suitcase by the door and slumps at their kitchen table, face-down. 

Levi throws a routine sequence of ingredients into the blender. He hums a tune under his breath.

“What’s got you so damn chipper?” His partner mumbles, “Whatever you’re on, gimme some. I’m so fucking tired.”

As he cuts up an apple, he replies, “It’s good to be home, that’s all.”

“But you weren’t even gone that long?”

Levi smiles and runs the blender.

⤝❖⤞

“Man, I look like a demon-possessed freak in this.” Ace stands in front of the fridge, studying the polaroid.

“Just the way I like it,” Levi teases.

Ace tosses an over-exaggerated glare over his shoulder, then asks, “Where’d this huge dent come from, anyway? Did you get so wasted you fell over into the fridge door or something?”

Levi shifts in his seat at the kitchen table. “I… may have punched it.” He glances off to the side and sips the last dregs of his smoothie.

“Man, that must’ve hurt like a bitch.”

“I suppose so.”

Ace wanders up to him, leans down and kisses the top of his head.

⤝❖⤞

Here stands the warden he chose. A wreck of a man, a self-loathing fool, yet in this face rests the most merciful answer to every painful question Levi has had about his own heart.

“You sure about this?” Ace lifts the handcuffs. They wink against the lamplight.

“Yes. I’m sure.”

Cold metal clasps around his wrists, and Ace shoves him facedown into the sheets. 

They’d tried this once before, but now the results are different: Levi doesn’t think of being slammed onto the hood of a police cruiser. He doesn’t think of judges or psychiatrists, or the names he was a monster for not remembering. The faces with no features, the face with no eyes, nose or mouth that was once his father, the flashing of red, blue, red, blue, alternating across an endless night.

There’s only the softness of their bedroom now, and Ace holding him down.

⤝❖⤞

He props himself against the wall of the shower, rivulets of water soothing the heat of new wounds. Ace traces a touch along the red rings on his wrists.

“I should’ve loosened them a bit, hey?”

“No. It was good.”

Ace pushes down on his shoulders. “Sit for a sec.”

Levi complies, folding loose to the floor of the stall. He glances down at himself, his body crisscrossed with rope marks. He’s pared down, sore and exposed. He likes it. He likes that Ace can manage all of him.

Hands massage over his scalp, working shampoo into his hair. “Lately I’ve been having this crazy thought. Can’t get it out of my head for the life of me.”

“Hm?” Levi acknowledges lazily, eyes closed, enjoying the attention.

“Between dying young, and living a long, shitty life full of suffering… Well, a long life wouldn’t be so shitty with you around, you know?” He tilts and angles Levi’s head to rinse out the suds. Shadows of fatigue haunt his face, but something else overtakes them. Not melancholy, or hope, but a cold light shining between the two. “So I’ve been thinking… of retiring, and doing something else. Even if it fucks me up. I don’t care anymore.” Levi knows for a fact that more misadventures will come of this, but it’s easy to set the thought aside when Ace smiles down at him and says, “Me and you, and a long life. Got that?”

⤝❖⤞

Levi sinks into his side of the mattress and watches Ace as he dreams, cast tender in moonlight.

Growing old with someone like him isn’t a reward, yet it’s what Levi wants anyway. He doesn’t know how to state it in a way that matters, because it doesn’t: It just is. The fact doesn’t exist like he thought it might — it isn’t like a flower bursting from the snow, or a parasitic system of roots. It exists in the manner of moss, gathering slow and soft over the things that have managed to stay the same.

It covers him. Contains him. Keeps him safe.

He rolls onto his side, drifting into a dreamless sleep.