Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After the last of Xabi’s wife’s messages had gone in Kylian stayed frozen on his couch for about half an hour. Empty. Like he’d lose balance and would fall if he got up too suddenly. This was bad. This was REALLY bad. And he couldn’t even contact Xabi right now. He couldn’t talk to ANYONE. He couldn’t do anything. Because nobody. NOBODY was supposed to know. And yet. SHE KNEW. She knows.

She knows.

His mind was stuck. She knows about me and Xabi. She knows I like men. She knows that we cheated. She knows why Xabi is leaving her.

She knows.

Kylian felt sick. He needed a glass of water. So he got up. Wobbly. Walking towards his kitchen island slowly, like in a trance, to pour himself a glass of still water. And then he took a sip. Another. And another. Before he stood. Rooted. Staring at the surface of the water in his hand. Like the answer was swimming in there. Just beneath the surface. Waiting to be found.

They’re going to kill me.

She is going to kill me. Xabi. He might want to kill me as well. My mom. She will definitely kill me. My dad. He doesn’t even know. About. Yeah– he will kill me. Fuck. THE CLUB. Oh they will send people to kill me for sure. The press. They will EAT ME.

Alive.

Kylian took a deep breath. Trying desperately to regain some composure. She didn’t tell anyone. NOT YET. She probably wants to protect Xabi as well. I HOPE SO. Really. Telling people –the public– would not reflect well on her either. She wouldn’t. At least for her kids. Their kids. She wouldn’t tell anyone. Would she?

Couldn’t blame her if she did though.

He sighed.

Maybe I deserve this. For being so fucking stupid. SELFISH. I shouldn’t have. We shouldn’t have. It’s my fault. Maybe it’s time. This is it. The great Kylian Mbappé no more. Everyone! Get ready for the most disastrous downfall of a footballer. EVER. It would suit me honestly, to go out like this. So fucking stupid. Unnecessary.

Kylian dragged a hand across his face.

He let out another breath.

Something like regret and relief sinking into his body at the same time. Everything flashing before his eyes. All those years of hard work –snap– gone. Just like that.

But maybe that would mean that it would END.

End just a little bit. Finally. A little less pressure. A little less attention. A little less people praying on his downfall. Just a little bit of relief.

Kylian snorted in a bit of disgust.

Like he couldn’t believe himself. Can’t even be serious in this type of situation, huh? With everything on the line. He shook his head a little. I’m so SELFISH. I really can’t be looking at ways to take advantage of this? Right fucking now? This can’t be what I’m doing right now.

SELFISH.

Kylian’s mind suddenly rang. Alarmed.

XABI.

Fuck. What was he doing? What was he thinking. What is even happening to him right now? She might not kill me, but she might kill him. Kylian’s fingers tingled. Itching to grab something. His phone. Do something. But what. Their only current line of communication had been CUT. He was swimming all by himself. Not knowing where to go. What to do. Not seeing any land. He couldn’t help him. He couldn’t reach him. He didn’t even know where he was right now.

He had to get out of the kitchen.

Before someone noticed.

Before one of his staff came walking around the corner seeing him paler than a ghost. Face sunken with fear. He took another sip. Putting the half-full glass back on the counter. Before he carefully made his way upstairs.

Still feeling off balance.

And after a while he had made it to his bedroom. He crawled his way onto the bed. Face down. Just breathing. In. Out. In Out. Before he slowly crawled over to his nightstand. Opening the top drawer. And he pulled out the bucket hat. The one Xabi had bought him in Miami. The only thing he had left of him right now. He had broken the glasses –the ones Xabi also bought– accidentally. Stupid.
And the book. The horror thriller. He had given it back to Xabi a while ago. I should have kept it. He thought.

And then he sat up a little leaning against the headboard now. Pulling the hat over his head. Like it would somehow save him. Protect him. Shield him from everything that was not him and Xabi. And he just sat. Hat pulled deeply over his head. Still. And after a little while, he let out a silent tear. Wiping it away just as quickly. Angry now. At himself.

Why do I always destroy everything?

Mess everything up. At some point it has to be my fault right? Everywhere I go. People eventually start to hate me, everything I touch just seems to crumble, all I ever seem to produce is hate and resentment. And now. Another tear fell. He wiped it away. Xabi. The tears started rolling down his cheeks. Silently. I’m such a moron. I made him think this could work. I made him want this.

And now?

A quiet sob broke out of him now. And he let it happen. Let himself cry for a bit.

For them. For their thing. Him and Xabi. The only thing that ever made him feel safe. Despite it all. At least for a moment, when he was in Xabi’s arms. He felt safe. Like nothing could touch him.

And after a while. He calmed down a little.

I need to pull it together. I can’t be sitting here. DOING NOTHING. I need to do something. But what?

WHAT?

Kylian grabbed his phone from his pocket. Quickly closing the opened chat. From earlier. Like he’d turn blind if he looked at it for another second.

Aurelien.

He knows. I think he does.

I can tell him. Ask him what to do? He pulled up his contact. Thumb hovering over it for a moment. Debating. Worried. Fuck it. He is my friend. He will help me. He thought.

And then he hit dial.