Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Bucky?" his mother's voice threaded itself through his sleepy bliss. His head was already pounding. The light from the cracked window wasn't helping. And neither was the sticky heat that had gathered on his skin.

"...mmh" Bucky groaned, burying his head into the pillow. He didn't even want to know what time it was.

His phone buzzed.

"Leave me alone" He groaned to himself, drooling into the pillow. His temples were pulsing.

"Bucky!" Another shout.

"Yes!" He replied. "I'm up, I'm up".

Bucky opened his eyes to the brightness in the room. The curtains danced in the light morning breeze.

His phone buzzed again.

He reached for it, his arm swinging almost reluctantly. He had to press the heel of his hand into his eyes before his vision could be counted on.

Lisa

Text message (3)

Steve

Text message (1)

Dad

Text message (1)

He could already feel the knot in his stomach twisting itself tighter. Not fair. He'd just woken up.

A soft sigh left his lips before he opened the text from his dad.

Dad

Hey bud, just making sure your drive was alright. Give me a call. We'd love to see you this summer. Love ya.

Bucky scoffed. It was complicated. As most things are. He'd tried his best to keep the peace. But when his parents got divorced he'd taken his mothers side. He couldn't be exactly sure why he felt like he even needed to take a side. Maybe it was the disappointment from finding out that his father was something else besides just a dad. That he was a flawed person. Just like anyone else. Maybe it was how quickly he'd remarried to someone half his age and was starting a new family. Maybe he felt just as walked out on, just as abandoned, as his mother. Whatever the reason was, it was too early to tackle on this bright June morning.

He closed out the message and opened the one from his best friend.

Steve

What's up! Swing by when you're up. I'll be at the shop :)

"James!" His mother called. That was his que. Calling him by his first name was usually a sign that she was running out of patience.

"Coming!" He shouted back, stumbling out of the bed and down the stairs.

The Historical Restoration Foundation's Exhibition. That's what Winnie Barnes had decided to occupy herself with. It was an effort to gather as many ancient, old artifacts, pictures and whatever other documents dating back to the founding of Millbrook. It was supposed to go in the museum for the town's 200 year anniversary.

Bucky was bored just listening to his mother talk about it. But it had put her in a better mood than he'd seen her in for the last couple of years. And so like any good son, he played along.

"There you are! I thought I was gonna lose my voice before I got you to come down here. Can you tell me which of these is better?" Her thick New York accent came through, despite all those years of living in the midwest.

Bucky's hair was standing on end, his shirt halfway on as he peeked over his mothers shoulder.

"What is it exactly?" He groaned, his eyes still sensitive to the sunlight.

"Well, this shade is eggshell. And this is elephant bone. It's meant to go behind the display for—" She rambled on as Bucky scanned the kitchen, looking for the pot of freshly brewed coffee. It must be before 9 AM. He felt like death.

"I like that one" He mumbled and made his escape towards the stove, pouring himself a cup.

"Are you sure? I think the eggshell is slightly more warm—"

"Ma, they look the same. They're both white." Bucky tried not to groan too hard. He didn't wanna rain on her parade. But in his defense it was too early to be asked the color of anything.

"Fine, I'll ask Delia" Winnie rolled her eyes, playfully batting her hand at him.

"Who's Delia?" He raised a curious eyebrow.

"Delia! She's been helping me with all this? The researcher! Delia! I told you about her last week. And when she got here three months ago. And yesterday!"

"Right. Yes. Can't believe I forgot." Bucky's sarcasm flew right over his mothers head as she kept rambling.

He smiled to himself. It was nice to see her happy. After the divorce she'd seemed like a shell of herself. He didn't mind helping with her project as long as it kept her busy. And whoever Delia was, she seemed to be growing on her. He thought it was nice. She could use a friend.

"She'll be around to pick these up at some point this evening. And this—" Winnie grabbed a piece of paper and slammed it down on the counter across from him "—is for you" She smiled.

"What's this?" He tilted his head, picking up the paper. It was a list of names in the area.

"These are all the people who have put artifacts up for loan with the museum. They should have the boxes ready, I told them you were stopping by to pick them up today."

"Wait, me? I just got here. I have plans!" Bucky protested.

"You can see Steve later." She teased, earning a frown from her son.

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The Maximoffs.

The Rumlows.

The Starks.

The Bartons.

The Wilsons.

Bucky worked his way down the list, deciding he'd save the Wilsons for last. He hated this part. Like it wasn't bad enough that he'd managed to guilt himself into spending summer back home. Now he had to literally parade himself around. He might as well have just wear a 'Fucking Loser' sticker on his forehead for the next three months.

He smiled big, shook a lot of hands, and played along with all the poking and prodding that came with being back in town.

"It's so good to see you!"

"How is it being away from home?"

"Are you enjoying Prescott State?"

"I'm sure your parents love having you close by!"

"How's your father?"

At least the questions were no longer accompanied by that stupid head tilt. And he didn't have to do that dumb reassuring nod every time he answered. For better or for worse, people in this town did move on from the gossip. Even if it took them a couple of years.

The air was humid, and the heat of mid-day was unforgiving as Bucky drove up to the last stop. The first house on Broadhurst Lane.

For most of his life it had been him, Steve and Sam.

They'd spent so many days in the backyard of this yellow house. It almost had an echo of scraped knees, grass stains and loose teeth.

Some of the fondest memories of his childhood came from here.

Bucky parked in the driveway. The grass had grown a bit longer than he remembered. He chuckled as he wondered who was cutting it now that Sam was away at college.

He had some memories of helping cut and shape the front yard when they were kids. The reward was always 5 bucks each. And it was always spent on slushies from the corner market, Penny's. Cherry used to be his favorite.

Bucky barely had time to knock on the door before it flew open.

"Bucky! Oh, I was so happy when your mother told me you were stopping by!" Mrs. Wilson beamed at him.

"It's nice to see you, Mrs. Wilson." Bucky smiled, his voice a bit strained as she squeezed him tightly.

"When'd you get here? How was the drive?" She waved him inside. Bucky was grateful for the cool gust of the AC. The one in his car didn't work.

"Oh, last night. It wasn't too bad. Prescott isn't exactly far" He shrugged.

"I talked to Sarah yesterday. She says everything is great at camp, but I know those girls gotta be up to some trouble out there!" She laughed.

Sam and Bucky's sisters had been thick as thieves since Pre-K, so it was only fitting that they would spend their last high school summerbreak together, somewhere out in the woods in Wisconsin. His sister Rebecca had said something about gathering extracurriculars that looked good on their college applications? Bucky wasn't sure. He just knew she wouldn't be here, so he had to be. 'So mom doesn't get lonely' She'd urged over the phone while trying to convince him.

"I wouldn't worry too much. Ricki's no fun" He chuckled, taking a quick stab at his little sister while she wasn't there to defend herself.

"Stop it!" Mrs. Wilson laughed.

Bucky looked around at the kitchen. It seemed so different now. Smaller, almost. The counters weren't so high anymore. The shelves weren't really out of reach. At some point in time, Sam and Bucky had climbed each other's shoulders to get the secret snacks out from the top cupboard.

But the house was quiet now. He wondered if Mrs. Wilson felt the same way he did as he drove through Millbrook. How everything might look exactly the same, but feel entirely different.

"How's school?" She asked.

"...It's school?" He shrugged.

"Miss home?" She peeked over her shoulder as prepared the box.

"uhm...ask me at the end of summer" Bucky chuckled as he shook his hair out nervously.

Mrs. Wilson laughed.

"I think Sam pretends not to" She giggled. "But I hear it in his voice. I think he misses you guys more than anything, really" She sighed.

"Well, Steve and I will be down there in a few weeks to remind him why he shouldn't" Bucky tried to sound reassuring, hearing the concern in her voice.

"Oh, yes! Please remind me before you make the drive. There's some stuff I want you to take with you. Alright?"

"Of course" Bucky smiled.

"Now, before I send you off. Did you eat?" She put her hands on her hips, giving him that interrogating stare.

"Oh, I really should head to–" Bucky tried, but failed. He knew that look. And knew better than to argue against it. It was the same look she'd had on her face when she drove up to the three of them sitting knee to knee on a curb after they'd been busted for drinking at Tony Stark's party Junior year. Steve threw up in the car on the way home that night. They never quite got the smell out.

"Ah-ah! I don't wanna hear it. Sit." Mrs. Wilson's voice was stern, but her eyes loving.

"Fine" Bucky chuckled.

The air was a bit cooler when Bucky started the drive back.

The radio in this car was a piece of shit. The entire car was actually a piece of shit. But it's the best he could do on short notice and a college student budget.

But the sounds of the forest surrounding him as he drove were decent enough. With the windows cracked, the early June breeze filtered through just right, cooling his warm skin that was painted slightly golden in the beams of the sun. The birds chirped and the trees rustled as the wind moved through them.

He rolled the car carefully into the driveway, coming to a soft stop before his phone buzzed. He hadn't really had a chance to take a look at it much today.

Lisa

Text message (6)

He could feel something in his chest. Like a heaviness that spread out towards his shoulders. He should stop. He really should. He was better than this.

Bucky took a deep breath.

Was he? Was he better than this?

No.

He was bored. And Lisa was a safe bet. What else would he do all summer?

It was best to figure out what level of damage he was dealing with here. He swiped on the notification.

Lisa

Hey, when will you get here?

Lisa

Do you wanna stop by the grill? We're watching the game.

Lisa

Bucky? Are you asleep?

Lisa

Good morning. Give me a call when you can!

Lisa

Are you ignoring me?

Lisa

Do you wanna come over tonight? I have the house to myself.

The Lisa situation was much like almost every other thing in Bucky's life. Complicated. To say the least.

They had been each other's first everything.

First handhold. First date. First kiss. First fuck. First love.

Although, he wasn't so sure about the love part. At least not anymore. 

Bucky had known early on that he wanted more out of life than settling down with this middle school sweetheart. He foresaw the two of them coming to an end eventually. He thought going to Harvard might help finalize the decision. Make it easy somehow.

But plans changed. Life changed. And when he decided to settle for something closer, for Prescott; Lisa was delighted.

And once she'd realized he still wanted to break things off, she'd been...not so delighted.

But Bucky didn't mind their relationship now. Whatever it was. The occasional drunk next. A daring picture every now and then. And whenever he was passing through home, he'd stop by for something a little more.

The sex wasn't bad. It just felt, like much else these days, boring. He longed for whatever rush something new and unknown could give him. And as much as he appreciated Lisa's willingness, he knew he wouldn't find it there. They were too comfortable. Too familiar.

Bucky

Sure. See you at 8.30?

Chapter Text

Bucky ran a hand through his damp hair. It was getting longer, but he didn't mind it like this. He'd sprayed on his cologne. The musky one. The one Lisa liked.

Maybe he should stop and grab some beers? They both knew why they were meeting like this. But it still felt odd to be so acknowledging of it. Casual sex was different when he was away at school. 

There was no history between him and the girls he'd bring back to his room. No awkward greetings and small talk. No forced catching up.

Just regular, clumsy, and drunken fucking.

Which was what he preferred.

Lisa reminded him of the lingering possibility of a path he didn't want to take. And it made him nervous. And twitchy. And uncomfortable. But most of all, it made him feel even more numb.

He checked the time.

8.21 PM.

The sun would start to set any minute now. He shoved his phone in his pocket, grabbed his wallet, and left his bedroom.

As he made his way downstairs he could hear voices. His mother was laughing. It was nice. It felt almost like old times. Except Ricki wasn't down the hall for him to bother.

At some point during everything that had happened, Bucky had genuinely wondered if he'd ever see his mother laugh again.

He remembered being worried that this was a consequence of love. That if you loved someone, you must also be prepared to be shredded into pieces. To be picked apart, abandoned, and changed for the worse.

What could ever possibly be funny again, after all that?

But then he'd broken up with Lisa and felt nothing like that.

So maybe that was safe to mark as a disproven theory now. Or maybe he just never really loved Lisa.

"Oh, here he comes! Honey, before you go could you just help us load up the car?" Winnie chuckled as Bucky turned the corner into the den.

"uh, sure, what's—" The words caught in his throat when he stepped around the wall.

"Hi" She smiled, waving at him softly.

"Hi" Bucky swallowed hard.

"Oh, Delia. This is my son, James! We call him Bucky. Honey, this is Mrs. Walker—" Winnie began to introduce the woman standing by the front door. Or maybe she was a fucking hallucination. He wasn't sure yet.

"Oh, It's just Ms.Dexter now. But really, Delia is fine." She waved it away lightheartedly.

Bucky still felt like he was kind of swaying. Like when you've stood knee deep in waves at the beach all day and still feel unsteady hours later.

This was Delia?

This?

Was?

Delia?

He wasn't sure what he'd expected. Maybe a woman his mothers age. Maybe even older. His mom said she was some sort of historian, or researcher?

He'd thought that she'd at least wear a shawl and smell a bit funny. Like dust and old paper. Or attic.

Maybe some round glasses that were awfully thick and sat towards the very tip of her nose? But this...this was nothing like that.

Bucky's eyes quickly wandered over the gentle waves in her hair, and the two long pieces framing her face. The soft swirls of caramel hiding between the thick layers of her chocolate brown hair.

Her mouth was full. Soft rounded lips with a distinct crease cutting through the middle of her plump bottom lip.

Bucky knew he must be staring. Gawking, even. He couldn't stop.

He'd never seen anyone this beautiful.

His mouth felt dry.

"I'm Bu-Bucky" He finally managed. Was his mouth open? He felt like his mouth had been open.

The blush on his cheeks began to spread. He could feel his face grow warm. 

Fuck.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Bucky. I've heard so much about you" She smiled, her voice had that sultry rasp to it. The apples of her cheeks were rosy from the sun, and her long full lashes fluttered at him. Bucky's eyes were locked on hers. Large, and round. And absolutely golden brown.

Mrs? Had his mom introduced her as Mrs?

"Delia's been incredible, letting me be so hands-on with the exhibition. Oh, I tell Bucky all the time what a difference it's made. I love being involved in these things. Community is so important!" Winnie smiled, turning back and forth between Delia and her son as she beamed.

"Are you kidding? I'd be drowning without you! Your mother's been a great help. And an absolute natural, might I add." She smiled, making Winnie blush.

Bucky wanted to add something. Anything. But he couldn't pry his eyes away from her for long enough to even fathom thinking about anything besides her large round eyes.

She looked way too young to be married, and divorced.

And a historian?

God, she was fucking gorgeous.

He'd let her ruin his fucking life.

Maybe those glasses would've been a nice touch, after all? He could picture her wearing them with a tight skirt as she—

"Isn't that right, Bucky?" Winnie's voice pulled him out of whatever teacher-student-porn-fantasy he'd spiraled into. Jesus christ, what the fuck was wrong with him?

"hmm?" He raised his eyebrows in surprise, stuffing his hands into his pockets. His cheeks still warm.

"Sam? Sam Wilson. He's had a very successful season so far. I think he's won every game he's played. Isn't that right? We're all very proud. The boys are going down to visit him in a few weeks." Winnie smiled.

Bucky felt like a deer caught in headlights.

His eyes wide as he tried his best to not look directly at her.

She was blinding.

Exactly what was happening here? Was it hormones? Had he not drank enough water today? Why was he having such an adverse reaction?

"And you're at Prescott State?" She tilted her head slightly. The gesture didn't come off condescending and pitiful at all. In fact, it seemed somehow more important to answer now that it was coming from her.

"uh, yeah. Yeah, it's not bad. I–I like being close to home." His mouth pulled into a tight smile. It was such a prepared answer that it just came hurling out of him. Like a reflex.

No. It's fine. I love Prescott. Who even wants to go to Harvard? Boston sucks.

"That's great" She smiled back at him, crossing her arms.

Bucky tried not to bite down on his lip as his gaze trailed over the square cut neckline of her top. How it was framing her collarbones. White with tiny blue flowers on it.

"Uh—Ma, you said something about boxes—I" Bucky stuttered trying to get the words out. Did he need to fucking sit down? Christ. He cleared his throat in an attempt to recalibrate. What the fuck was going on here?

The sky was streaked with pink shades. The breeze felt nice against Bucky's neck as he stacked the boxes in the trunk. A dark blue Jaguar. 1972. Interesting choice. Not what he'd expected, just by looking at her.

The fresh air had done him some good after that cartoonish incident in the den.

"So what's your major?" Her voice caught him off guard as he dug through the trunk. He jumped a bit.

"Uh—Literature" He managed kind of clumsily, still rearranging the last few boxes.

"Lit major, really? I wouldn't have guessed." She chuckled, folding her arms over the top of the car. He could feel her eyes on him. Like warmth on his skin. Or maybe it was just the summer breeze.

"Trust me, my mom gives me enough shit for it already." He chuckled, coming out from the trunk. Her hair was resting softly over her right shoulder, and he could see the way her neck curved. The pink hues of the sky shining bouncing against her tanned skin.

"No, I get it. If you're gonna chronically overthink and analyze every little thing, you might as well make a career out of it. At least then you'll get paid. Hopefully" She tilted her head again. He wasn't sure if it was meant to look so seductive. But it really made something deep in his core twitch.

"yeah...something like that" He smiled, feeling strangely seen.

"I'm sorry to be taking up your time. I'm sure you've got more exciting places to be on a Friday night. Summer break and all." She swung the keys in her hand.

"No, no, it's fine really. I don't mind. " He nodded. "I...I like the car. It's cool." He gestured awkwardly, all too focused on his hands.

"Thanks, it's not really mine—well, technically it is now. I'm still getting used to it" She ran a hand over it.

"You should uh—name it. Makes it feel more like yours. That's what I did to my car." He smiled.

She stopped for a second, her eyes narrowing on him.

"What'd you name it?" She laughed.

"Dot" He grinned.

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

Fuck. Lisa.

He'd almost forgotten about Lisa.

"So...Delia is like... a nickname?" He tried to sound more relaxed than he felt. His shoulders were so tight he might as well be mere seconds away from a cramp. He didn't know why he was so nervous.

"Yeah. Short for Cordelia." She smiled.

"Oh, like King Lear!" Bucky beamed, his childlike enthusiasm shining through before he could stop it.

"Yeah, like King Lear," She smiled.

Bucky's lips pulled into a straight and embarrassed smile 

"...you must get that all the time. I'm sorry—that's stupid–" He stumbled over his words.

"No! I mean—I do. But, it's not stupid." She giggled.

His phone started to ring, the screen lighting up through his pocket.

"Oh, shit—Uhm. Sorry, I—" he reached for it quickly, tugging it out of his pants and clicking the screen off.

"Thank you for helping with the boxes." Cordelia smiled over her shoulder, already reaching for the car door.

"Yeah. Yeah, anytime" Bucky was still gripping the buzzing phone. Still not answering.

"I'll see you around, Bucky" She got into the driver seat and started down the street.

Bucky watched her drive away for a bit, until the buzzing in his hand stopped. He turned his phone around, looking at the screen.

Lisa

Text message (4)

Lisa

Missed call (2)

It was 8.55 PM. He really had to get going.

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"You're late" Lisa wore that soft frown on her face when she opened the door.

"Sorry. I got stuck helping my mom with this—Never mind. I'm sorry." He smiled. It always worked

"Whatever. Just come inside" Lisa rolled her eyes, biting back a smile.

"Where is everybody?" Bucky craned his neck around the corner as they walked past the living room and into the kitchen.

"Mom and dad are visiting my grandparents for the weekend. Pepper's in Cambridge visiting her boyfriend.

Bucky wanted to roll his eyes. It seemed even the people not going to college were at college for the summer.

"You look nice" He smiled. His eyes wandered over the small tank top hugging her body. The sprinkles of freckles over her chest and shoulders. The soft hint of strawberry to her blonde hair.

Lisa rolled her eyes, but smiled at him anyway.

"How's school?" She put two glasses on the counter. "I made some lemonade. Want some?" She peeked at him over her shoulder.

Bucky had been in the Potts' house more times than he could count. He'd almost lost his virginity here. But they'd ended up actually going through with it a week later in his dad's old mustang. Yet, he'd never really learned to relax amid the tall ceilings and all the crystal. Crystal cabinet knobs, crystal lamps, crystal drinking glasses.

"Sure. I'll have some" he shrugged, leaning against the counter top. "School is fine" He tried not to sigh. The last person he wanted to talk to school about, was Lisa. She had this extraordinary way of making him feel guilty about leaving. Leaving home. Leaving her. 

"Just fine?" She bit her lip, pouring them some lemonade

Bucky wished he could have skipped all the pleasantries. They both knew what was going to happen here.

"Yeah" He shrugged again. How clear could he make it that he was not interested in having this conversation.

"What makes it just fin—"

"I don't wanna talk about school" He blurted out. He had no intention of giving her a chance to interrogate him.

"What do you wanna talk about then?" She looked at him with that sultriness in her sharp eyes. The translucent blue of her irises dancing over his face.

"How about we don't talk?" Bucky smiled, putting his glass down before grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her closer.

It was nice. Familiar.

Lisa's mouth was soft against his own. The kisses a bit rushed. 

She'd missed him, he could tell. Her hands pulled at the collar of his shirt, her body pushing against his.

Bucky let his hands wander, following the curve of her lower back and down her ass.

"You wanna go to my room?" She mumbled against his mouth.

"mhm–" he mumbled back, tugging at the belt loops in her shorts.

The bed upstairs was the same. Stuffed with her light blue pillows and the mattress way too soft. Bucky always felt like he was going to sink through it. Lisa moaned into his ear, her hands clasped onto the sheets as he moved into her. The sound of skin hitting skin echoed in the room. She was being louder, which was new.

Bucky closed his eyes. Burying his face in the crook of her neck as he thrust his hips forward.

"I'm close—" He whispered, feeling how her legs tightened around him.

"Wait...wait, not yet" She whined, her hands wandering over his back.

"Okay" He groaned, trying to focus on something else.

Anything else.

uhm...baseball? that strange smell that came from the backseat of his car when it had been parked in the sun for too long?

The way the neckline to Cordelia's top curved around her collarbones.

No.

Not that.

Anything but that.

The curve of her neck.

No. No. No.

Stop.

"o-okay, almost" Lisa managed between shallow breaths.

Bucky blinked hard a few times, his hips still pumping into her. His cock growing harder as he tried to get the thought out of his head.

He slipped his hand between them, his fingers grazing over her folds. It was wet and warm. Her clit swollen against his fingertips as he rubbed it.

"mhmm, keep doing that—" Lisa whimpered, arching her back and pressing her chest harder to his.

Bucky could feel his core tightening. Something inside of him threatening to spill over the top. The muscles in his thighs clenched. His hips moving faster.

"Fuck, I can't—" He managed, feeling how his climax was building.

"I'm gonna—I'm co—" Lisa's voice always became pitched like this when she was close. Bucky closed his eyes again, thrusting into her hard as he filled the condom. He could feel her tightening around his cock. Bliss washed over him as his limbs grew heavy, listening to her shallow breathing.

After a couple more hours, Bucky jumped back into his clothes and made up some excuse to leave. He enjoyed the little fun they had, but staying too long always led to being asked to stay over. Which led to him having to either lie, or share the uncomfortable truth of not wanting to. Trying to distance himself from Lisa was hard, especially when he caved like this. Some part of him feared she might be pretending to be fine with this little arrangement they had, just to keep him close. But he couldn't take all the responsibility.

Lisa knew he saw other girls. She knew they weren't a couple.

But part of her insisted on pretending everything was back to normal when he came to visit during the summer breaks.

But at the time, he couldn't blame her entirely. He'd played along for most of it.

Maybe out of guilt.

Maybe to avoid the conflict, or the truth of actually spelling it out.

It was over.

He didn't love her.

She didn't love him, even if she thought she did.

He didn't want to hurt Lisa. He never had. But things were complicated. And their lives had been too tangled to just cut.

It would have to be gradual.

Maybe next time, he'd think about saying no. 

Chapter Text

The smell of fresh coffee swirled through the air as Bucky walked down the steps. He'd left Lisa's house late last night, and driven an extra lap or two around the neighborhood to think. He tried to tame his hair by brushing a hand through it, but it was to no avail.

The kitchen was bright with the morning light. His tired eyes scanned the clock on the wall.

10.15 AM.

The sun stretched over the old green tile on the floor, and Bucky stepped on the warm squares with his bare feet. He leaned against the counter, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he stretched in the morning sun. It felt soothing against his skin, traveling over his shoulders and chest. A warm embrace.

His sights finally landed on the single cup of coffee. The steam from it danced into the air. 

He reached out for it. Dark and hot against his palm.

He took a long sip. It burned all the way down his throat. Piping hot. Blistering his tongue. And bitter as shit.

Bucky's face scrunched up, his voice strained from the steaming heat as he managed a groan of disgust.

"Ma, you forgot to put sugar in the coffee again" He managed, still licking his lips from the taste as he turned to open the cabinet. Searching aimlessly for some sugar cubes.

"Oh, come on. There's a little bit of sugar in there. I'm not a psychopath" Cordelia chuckled.

Bucky froze. He turned over his shoulder, spotting her leaned against the counter across from him. He hadn't even heard her walk into the kitchen.

He stared down at the cup in his hand, dumbfounded, and trying his best to not let his eyes grow too wide.

At the sight of her.

At the realization of drinking her coffee.

At being half naked in the kitchen.

At noticing her big brown eyes wandering along trail of his spine.

"oh...oh. I'm–sorry" He tugged at his sweatpants, hanging dangerously low on his hips.

Cordelia smiled, her arms crossed and her head held in a curious tilt.

"Long night?" She grinned.

"uuhh—" Bucky managed as his eyes trailed over her. The soft little waves that had come undone from her ponytail, framing her face. Her bare shoulders, tanned and slightly shiny from the sun. His eyes moved down to her feet. The strappy sandals laced over her ankles and the pretty pink nail polish on her toes.

"Yeah. Kind off" He chuckled, his eyes meeting hers for a brief moment, before she trailed her gaze down. Further. Further. 

"Oh. Fuck– sorry. This is—this is yours" he stumbled over his words, holding the cup out to her.

"It's alright." She laughed, meeting him halfway. She smelled like jasmine, and honeysuckle. Or maybe it was lilies? He wasn't sure. But she smelled like a flower garden at the very peak of bloom.

Her fingers brushed softly against his as he handed her the cup, and he spotted the tan line on her ring finger.

She must have taken it off recently. And worn it religiously before then.

"Oh, you're finally up! Delia and I are going through the order of photographs. You should join us. Have your coffee outside; the weather is lovely!" Winnie peeked in from the patio door.

Bucky cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks grow warm at just the thought of sitting across from her in the beaming sun, watching the small hairs at the nape of her neck stick to her skin.

"I–uh, I'm helping Steve out with something. I gotta go, actually" He mumbled, excusing himself quickly.

"alright...well, don't come home too late. And put a shirt on!!" Winnie shouted after him as he bolted back up the stairs.

Bucky turned over his shoulder. He cast a quick glance at Cordelia, making his foot miss the first step. He stumbled upwards awkwardly, catching himself midair, and then continuing his flight upstairs.

Cordelia tried to bite back a smile.

She thought it was adorable. How nervous he got.

"Is he okay?" She turned to Winnie, a soft look of concern coming over her face.

"You know, I can never tell with that one." Winnie waved it off and headed back out through the patio door.

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Watching Steve tinker with the cars at his dads auto shop really made it feel like nothing had changed. If Bucky closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his metal tools scraping, and the somewhat frustrated mumbles that Steve muttered every few minutes, it might as well be summer 5 years ago. The only thing missing from the equation was Sam.

"That one looks like you" Bucky mumbled, a soft chuckle following behind his words.

"Huh?" Steve looked up, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Mindlessly replacing it with motor grease.

"That cloud. Looks like you. Alarmingly large head." Bucky said again, laughing and pointing to the oddly shaped cloud as it floated over them. The plastic from the old lawn chair was starting to stick to the back of his arms. The weather made it feel like one of those days in high school where there was nothing smarter to do than spend the day at the lake.

"If you help we'll finish faster" Steve groaned.

"yeah right" Bucky huffed.

Steve didn't argue with him on that. His old man had been nice enough to let the boys work a few summers at the auto shop, when money from cutting the lawns in the neighborhood stopped being enough. They'd moved away from small bags of gummy candies and liquorice lollipops, and onto rolling papers and beers. And larger funds were needed to keep the summer nights interesting.

But Steve was a natural. This had been his calling. He enjoyed the quiet, enjoyed working with his hands. Liked work that was tangible, he always said. It suited him. But it had never been for Bucky.

Mostly because he always thought it meant staying in Millbrook. Which is what Steve had decided to do.

"Hey. You know who Cordelia Dexter is?" Bucky got out of the lawnchair and hopped onto the hood of his own car. It was cooler from having been parked in the shade.

Steve looked up from the engine, his face wearing that pondering look. Bucky could tell the gears were turning.

"Cordelia Dexter..." Steve mumbled to himself, wiping his hands off.

"Brown hair...ye' high? A few years older than us, I think." He kept it there, deciding not to add the rest of his description. Large round fuck-me-eyes, pretty mouth, sexy voice...drop dead fucking gorgeous?

"Wait...are you talking about Ms.Delia?" Steve's eyes lit up.

"Yeah" Bucky raised a curious eyebrow. "You know her?" Of course Steve called her Ms.Delia. His perfect golden boy charm never seized to surprise Bucky.

"Yeah. She stopped by to pick up some stuff my mom put aside for that museum thing. I think she had her over for lunch too, at some point. Yeah, she's nice! Pretty. Big town girl, I think. She's married to John Walker, isn't she?" Steve slammed the hood of the truck shut, leaning against it as he continued to wipe at his fingers with the old checkered towel.

"Yeah...no. I mean she used to be. Not anymore. I don't think" Bucky tried to seem uninterested, kicking his feet against the tire of his car.

"Oh. well, what about her?" Steve looked at him curiously.

"No. Nothing I just—I don't know. She's been spending time at the house, I guess. My mom seems really fond of her. I've never seen her around before until these last few days. But that makes sense...if she's not from here" Bucky rambled a bit, trying to justify his curiosity, his intrigue. Trying to hide from Steve, which was always a bad idea.

"You worry about her, your mom?" Steve asked carefully.

"eeh..." Bucky shrugged, flashing a tired smile.

"Talked to your dad since you've been back?" Steve chuckled, knowing the answer already.

Bucky thought of the text he'd gotten a few mornings ago. It was still sitting unanswered in his phone. Left on read.

Bucky shook his head, rolling his eyes a bit.

Steve was always like this. Perfectly concerned. Perfectly insightful. Just perfect, perfect, perfect. The best guy, really. Millbrook didn't deserve him. Bucky wished he could somehow make him see that.

"What about Lisa?" He wiggled his eyebrows at Bucky a bit.

"Shut up, man" He laughed, running a hand through his hair nervously.

Steve stared at him blankly, his eyebrow raised. Still waiting for an answer.

"I went over last night." Bucky sighed, disappointed in himself.

"Come on, Buck. You gotta do better" Steve laughed, shaking his head. They'd had this conversation too many times now.

"I know, I know. I just—" Bucky pressed the heel of his hand into his eye. "I need help, man. I'm bored!" He laughed.

A bullshit excuse. But still, somewhat true.

"It's the 21st century. Be bored at home. In your room. With the door locked. Like the rest of us!" Steve threw the towel at him. "Besides, you don't get your kicks while away at school? Can't take a breather while you're back home? What are you, the energizer bunny?" Steve teased.

"This bunny just keeps going and going and goin—" Bucky laughed, his words cut short as Steve chucked an empty soda can his way.

It felt almost like when they were kids.

"Help me clean up, so we can go grab a beer" Steve shook his head, trying his hardest not to laugh.

"No. No, she's definitely staring" Bucky chuckled, taking a sip from his beer.

"Wait. Really?" Steve's eyes lit up, unlike anything he'd seen before.

"Just go over there, man" Bucky teased, kicking Steve's leg beneath the table.

"Ow, stop–no! what do I even say?" Steve tugged at hir shirt nervously.

"I don't know. But you better think of something quick" Bucky laughed.

"What? Why?" Steve froze, his eyes wide with terror.

"Cause she's coming over here" Bucky leaned back in his chair. His grin wide.

"Bucky, don't fucki–" Steve whispered, his voice sharp as his mouth tightened into a tiny little hole. Bucky thought it was supposed to be a threat of some sort, but it looked nothing short of hilarious.

Wanda Maximoff waltzed over confidently, leaning slightly over Steve. Her smile was wide and cheeks rosy. Her long red hair swinging over her back.

"Hey" She smiled down at Steve, who looked like he was too busy choking on a bottle cap to muster a word.

"h-hey. Didn't know you were gonna be here" he finally managed.

It was bordering on pathetic. Sam and Bucky had spent most of their teenage years trying to talk Steve's confidence up. He was good looking. Charming. Funny. All around, a great guy. But watching him trying to hold a conversation with a girl was like pulling teeth.

"Can I sit?" Wanda batted her lashes, and Steve's cheeks immediately began to blush.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course." He grinned widely, pulling out the chair for her.

"Hey Bucky" Wanda gave Bucky a quick side eye.

"Hey Wanda" Bucky sighed. Lisa and Wanda were friends. So of course, there was the expected animosity. There was no version of the story of their breakup, where he wasn't the bad guy.

And Wanda had shown where her loyalties lied, and rightfully so.

"Does Lisa know you're out and about?" She sneered at Bucky, who balanced on the back legs of his chair. Snickering at her.

"I'm sure you already told her" He stated matter-of-factly, his eye sharp on hers.

Wanda rolled her eyes, turning back to Steve.

Steve looked like he was trying to solve an equation, but also like he was enjoying it. He did alright, as soon as the initial flustered and fumbling tuned out.

Bucky couldn't be too hard on him. He'd barely been able to string two words together while talking to Cordelia just this morning in his kitchen.

His phone buzzed.

Lisa

Do you wanna come over and watch a movie?

There it was.

Bucky sighed. He was gonna say no. He'd promised himself he would say no.

"Everything okay?" Steve's voice pulled him back to reality.

"Uh, yeah. Everything's fine. I actually—I have to go" He threw some cash on the table. Wanda wasn't paying attention. She seemed completely taken with Steve, and whatever their conversation was.

"You good here?" Bucky mouthed quietly, his eyebrows raised teasingly.

Steve nodded discreetly, holding a thumbs up under the table.

Bucky laughed to himself, grabbing his keys off the table and heading for the door.

He was gonna take Steve's advice this time. Lock the door and be bored in his room.

He was going to drive home. He really was. He'd even planned on exactly what he was going to do when he got home.

Eat a sandwich.

Go up to his room.

Lock the door.

Lay down on the bed.

Unzip his pants.

Stroke his cock until it was hard and pulsing in his hand. He'd use some coconut oil. Or maybe just some regular lotion. He'd go fast at first. And then slow. And then fast again. He'd stifle his moans by biting the inside of his cheek. He'd probably think about something he shouldn't. Like how tightly that shirt hugged Cordelia's chest, or how her shoulders looked. How she blinked at him slowly, or maybe even her pretty toes with that pink nail polish. He'd imagine how soft her skin was and how it would make a shiver run down his spine if she whispered his name. The tip of his cock would start to leak. Sticky and warm as he moved his hand faster. He'd bite down on his tongue. His eyes closing tightly as fireworks would begin to burst beneath his skin. He'd feel a wave wash over him as he came into his own hand. His other hand digging into the sheets as he accidentally let a low groan escape. 

And then he'd hop in the shower.

But before he could execute that plan, he'd somehow pulled into Lisa's drive way.

And she was standing in the door already. Smiling at him. Her hair pulled up into a bun and wearing another one of those small shirts that left the lower part of her stomach completely exposed.

And then he let himself be pulled across the threshold, and up into her room. They let some boring movie play in the back. Letting the voices bounce around with the echoes of her soft moans as he ran his fingers along her slick folds. He kissed her so she'd be quiet. Closed his eyes and pictured something he was far too embarrassed to admit, even to himself.

He let her hand tug at his hard cock. Feeling himself throbbing as she rubbed it against the warm and wet mess between her legs.

He grew even harder at how she begged him to fuck her.

Her voice breathy and soft. Her hands tugging at his underwear.

Then he sank into her.

Warm and velvety.

A tight grip on her hips as he drilled into her. He bit back his groans, watching her tits bounce as she arched her back.

"Bucky– I love you—" She gasped. She usually did.

He didn't answer.

He just kept going. She was gushing over his cock, and it was making everything slippery.

He pressed his body against hers. He thrust his hips faster. Harder. Making the bed creak beneath them. They weren't usually this loud. But it felt wrong not to take advantage of the empty house.

Her legs wrapped around him tightly as she came, fluttering around his pulsing length. He didn't have to hold it any longer.

He pulled his hips back, stroking himself as he dripped his warm and sticky release over her chest. Watching as her hands smeared it into her skin.

He sat back on his knees. His heart pounding in his chest as he tried to find his breathing.

So much for saying no.

"Why don't you stay?" Lisa whispered, running a hand over his back. She'd spent the last 20 minutes trying to keep his clothes off.

"Lisa, we talked about this." He tried to keep his voice soft. He didn't want to be rude, or hurtful. But he wanted so badly to be honest.

"I know, but it's just this once. I'm by myself. No one will be back until late afternoon. We can sleep in." She tugged at him a bit more, pressing kisses to his shoulder.

"I gotta get home" He mumbled, looking for his underwear.

Lisa fell back down on the bed with an exaggerated sigh.

"Fine. Go home, then" She sulked.

Bucky ran a hand over his face, taking a deep breath.

"Lisa...come on" He turned to look at her. She looked pretty like that. Her hair tangled and her cheeks pink.

But there was nothing else there. Not anymore.

"Were you and Steve waiting for girls at the bar?" She mumbled.

Bucky just chuckled, shaking his head.

"Tell Maximoff to mind her business" His voice was sharp.

"I'm the one who asked—"

"Well then you should mind your business too" Bucky snapped, and regretted it immediately. "shit...I'm sorry—"
"What's wrong with you?" Lisa's eyes narrowed at him, her cheeks even more flushed.

"Look. Maybe..." Bucky bit the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out exactly how to tread from here. "Maybe, this isn't a good idea. This...seeing each other and—" He ran a hand through his hair.

"What, you think I'm still in love with you?" Lisa scoffed.

"Isn't that what you just said?" He raised a confused eyebrow, remembering how she'd whispered 'I love you' into his ear as he fucked her.

"That's not—I was just—It just slipped out–" Lisa shrugged, nervously trying to defend herself.

"We can't—I can't do this without feeling like shit every time if there's still feelings involved, Lisa. I've told you that." Bucky sighed, pulling his underwear back on.

Lisa was quiet. Her hands folded in her lap as she watched him get dressed.

"So where does it go? Everything we've been through? All of our...friendship? Where am I supposed to put it now?" She whispered.

"We're still friends. We don't have to stop being friends." He smiled, closing his pants up. "I just think—know. I know you can do better" He shrugged.

"And you?" Her words came out slightly strained.

"Me...I got too much to think about" He smiled, sitting back down on the bed.

She reached her hand into his, holding it softly. He let her.

She was right.

There was nowhere to put all that history down. It would be there forever.

"You're going to the museum on opening night, right?" She smiled, her knees pressed to her chest. Her cheek resting on them.

"Yeah. My mom already signed me up as event staff." He sighed.

"Will you come out with us after? we're gonna get some drinks, maybe have a bonfire?" She smiled, her eyes hopeful.

"I don't know, I told Steve I'd—"

"Steve is coming too" Lisa blurted out, stopping him from making up another excuse.

Great. No way to get out of that one.

"I'll think about it" He huffed, pulling his hand away from hers.

"Please. Just as friends. For old times sake." She urged, her eyes glossy and her lips drawn in a soft smile. "I was thinking...I could bring someone. And you can bring someone. If you want, I mean—It might...take the pressure off or something, I don't know. It's just—I'll be in college next summer. Everything is changing. This might be the last time we're all together" She shrugged, an iron grip on his hand.

"Who are you bringing?" 

"I was thinking about asking Peter," She smiled.

"Peter Parker?" Bucky was trying not to look too surprised. This is what he wanted. For her to be distracted. To want to be with someone else.

"Yeah, what about it?" Her eyes widened slightly.

"No, nothing. That's good. Peter's a good kid. Smart." He shrugged.

"Are you jealous?" She teased.

"Is that what you're trying to do?" He laughed.

"No" Lisa shrugged. A soft smile on her lips that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"I think it's a great idea. Maybe I'll stop by after. I probably have to stay back. You know, help with clean-up and stuff." He smiled, letting go of her hand again. She let him this time.

"Okay. I'll walk you down" Lisa began untucking herself from the endless layers of blankets.

"No, it's fine. I know my way out" He chuckled.

"Bucky" Lisa blurted out, making him turn. Her eyes were soft as she reached for him, pulling him back towards her.

Her lips crashed against his. She kissed him. Her eyes closed. Her hands tugging at his shirt. Holding onto him for dear life.

Bucky let her linger for longer than he should have.

He pulled back slowly, watching her eyes dance over his face.

"Just thought I'd get that out of my system" She whispered.

"I gotta go" He spoke softly, rubbing his palm up and down her arm. The gesture felt almost too friendly. A clear sign of how things should be between them from now on.

"I'll see you at the museum" She called after him as he stepped into the doorway.

"See you at the museum" He smiled back at her, closing the door behind him.

Chapter Text

The sound of the birds, and the way the trees swayed in the breeze were somewhat soothing. The sun stretched across the floorboards in his room. Creaking and warm beneath his feet as he got dressed for the day.

Today, he felt better. Calmer.

He scrolled through the names on his phone, landing on the text thread named "Dad".

His eyes scanned over the last message.

Dad

Hey bud, just making sure your drive was alright. Give me a call. We'd love to see you this summer. Love ya.

Bucky's thumbs hovered over the screen. He should write something. Even if it was an excuse not to go.

He felt a sting at the word 'we'. It couldn't just be 'I'.

'I'd love to see you this summer'. He had to include the others. His new family. The one that was worth the price of his old one. The price of him. And Ricki.

He locked the phone, taking a deep breath as he ran both hands through his hair this time. His skin was starting to feel hot. And not in the way he liked. Like from the sun. But In the way that made him want to pace and sometimes even scream into a pillow.

No.

Not today.

He dug through his duffel bag, grabbing the book he'd brought and headed down the stairs. He'd limited himself to just one this summer. He'd promised he would be more present. Spend more time with family and friends.

There was still the heavy feeling of a knot in his chest.

Going for a drive might help.

Maybe he'd drive out to the hilltop.

There was a nice spot where if you parked just right, you'd have the forest at your back and a view over all of Millbrook.

He could read out there for a couple of hours. Decide what to do with the rest of his day later. It was summer. He might as well enjoy it.

Bucky's hand reached for the handle on the front door, pulling it open in a swift tug.

And there she was, right on the other side of the threshold.

Eyes bright, lips parted into a soft shape of surprise. Her hair looked like swirls of caramel against her tanned skin.

Cordelia's eyes grew a bit wide as they landed on him through the screen door, her own hand resting on the handle.

"oh–" They both echoed at the same time.

She was caught off guard. She'd come to see Winnie. Even though she was earlier than they'd decided. Cordelia had hoped to catch her before she went on her errands for the day.

Bucky's hair looked neatly pushed back. His face a bit brighter. He looked like he'd gotten some rest. She noticed how his eyes scanned her intensely. The soft pout of his mouth closed tightly. Like he was fighting the urge to speak.

"I–I was just gonna knock..." She finally managed, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Bucky opened the screen door, and the scent of his cologne filled the air between them. It was woody, and slightly smoky. And had an intriguing note of what she thought might be pine.

"You just missed her. She left like 20 minutes ago" He chuckled, stroking the back of his neck. The fabric of his white t-shirt clung to him like a glove. It wasn't leaving much to the imagination. Not that she needed to imagine anything. She'd been given quite the show in the kitchen only a few days earlier.

"It's okay. I'm early. I was just hoping to catch her before she left. I'll come back—"

"You wanna come in?" Bucky blurted out.

There was silence for a moment. As if both of them were contemplating the outcome of accepting the invitation.

"You can...wait in here." He said this time, thinking that maybe the first proposition had sounded a bit blunt.

"Sure. Why not." Cordelia shrugged, walking through the door as he held it open for her.

Bucky caught the scent of her hair as she passed him. Flowery and sweet. It made his blood rush to his cheeks. His eyes followed the sway of her hips as she walked into the kitchen. She lacked the pretentious and forced modesty that a lot of the girls had in Millbrook. No wonder Steve had pointed out that she was a big city girl. She dressed like one.

Bucky could almost hear the sound of her thighs rubbing together as she walked. Her shoes clinking against the tile in the kitchen. The top she wore cut low in the back, showing off the dip in her spine.

"Do you–uh–want something to drink?" He opened the fridge, searching panicked for something. Anything.

It had come over him rather last second that he couldn't invite her in and just leave. He had to actually keep her company.

Here.

Just the two of them.

"I'll have whatever you're having" She smiled, placing her purse on the counter.

Bucky reached for the jug of orange juice and filled two glasses.

"I hope I'm not keeping you" Her raspy voice made his skin prickle. It all felt very dramatic. But it was true. He could feel the adrenaline rushing through his jugular.

"what?" He looked at her wide eyed, sliding her the glass of orange juice.

"You were going somewhere, weren't you? When you opened the door?" She smiled, taking a sip. Her eyes locked on him the entire time. 

"oh...it was—nothing really. I was just going for a drive" He shifted uncomfortably in the barstool across from her, running a nervous hand through his hair again.

"This yours?" She pointed to the book on the counter.

"mhmm" He nodded.

"Can I see?" She held out her hand.

Bucky passed her the book.

'A Farewell to Arms' by Ernest Hemmingway.

"Re-read? or first time?" she flipped through the yellowed pages, raising a curious eyebrow at him.

"uhh—first time. My professor is doing this thing where he wants us to read one book based on each month of summer break and then write—it's kinda stupid. But I was probably gonna be reading anyway, so..." He shrugged.

She thought it was adorable. The way he over-explained himself and stumbled over his words. How he played with his hair when he ran out of things to say.

She'd be lying to herself if she pretended to not have been surprised the first time she'd met him.

All mothers love to brag about how handsome their sons are. John's mother had done the same.

But in the case of Winnie Barnes. She was fully justified.

He was gorgeous.

Cordelia would let her mind wander, but only in short spurts as she observed him. His side profile. The sharp line of his jaw. His slightly pouty lips and those broad shoulders. That cute little dimple in his chin.

"I'm more of a Kafka girl, myself. You should read something by Austen for July. Nothing feels more like summer than Jane Austen" She handed him the book back.

"Romance for summer sounds a bit...unoriginal" He shrugged, a shy smile on his lips.

"ah-ah...existential romance. Dread and yearning and...you know, all of the amusingly frustrating aspects of love" She chuckled.

Bucky's eyes shifted to her left hand. There was still that bright line left from where her wedding ring must have been.

He liked the way her nails were painted in that soft spring pink. It matched her toes. And contrasted the golden band of deep blue gemstones around her wrist.

"I'll consider it" He huffed. "How's the exhibition coming along?" He wanted to keep her talking. Wanted to hear her voice and watch the way her lips moved. Especially when she said words beginning with the letter 'M'.

"It's good. Almost done. With the exhibition part, that is. The real work begins after all that is over" She sighed, resting her chin in her hand.

Her tanned skin looked glistening, making the small specks of gold in her eyes look even brighter.

"The real work?" Bucky asked curiously, unaware that he was moving closer to her. 

"I'm writing my dissertation on the retelling of history in different communities. The exhibition is part of that." She fidgeted with her bracelet.

"Your dissertation? Like...for your PhD?" Bucky sounded a bit more surprised than he intended.

"Yeah." Cordelia laughed, raising a curious eyebrow.

So she wasn't only beautiful. She was some sort of genius. And obviously dedicated. Or maybe obsessive. Like him.

"Wow, that's...what made you want to write about that?"

"oh...I was always fond of how we pass on stories. Books, media, music. They're all part of helping shape a collective identity in some ways. History is the foundation of that. It shows how entangled the need to tell stories is with humanity itself. They're basically the driving force of our existence. Millbrook fit into part of my research of showing how smaller and more recent communities choose to preserve and retell their history. I'm observing and taking notes more than actually planning the event itself. Your mother has been the center of my research." Cordelia took another sip of her orange juice. Bucky watched her swallow. Watched the how shiny her mouth looked. Watcher and Bucky watched the way she swiped her finger beneath her plump bottom lip. 

"I'm sorry, I must be boring you to death—" She chuckled.

"No! No. That's—that's actually really interesting. I'm—could I read it?" He asked.

"My dissertation?" She asked surprised.

"Yeah" He smiled.

"You'd want to?" She was still surprised.

"Yeah, I mean. You're right. Telling stories is basically the driving force of our existence. And it's where we go to feel less alone. That's what's...great about books. I mean, there's not an emotion I can have that someone hasn't written down already. Our greatest asset of learning are the people that came before us. It's communication through eras, you know? Probably the closest thing we have to time travel" He shrugged, leaning back in his chair.

"I've never heard anyone put it that way before" Cordelia smiled, her eyes finding his. He shied away slightly, but still held her gaze.

They were so blue. Clear as the sky. He really was so, so gorgeous.

"You know, your mother brags about you a lot," She teased.

"Stop" He laughed, looking away.

"No, she does. And she's right to. You're very bright." Cordelia whispered.

"Thanks" Bucky huffed, trying to accept the compliment.

"Why Prescott State?" She tilted her head again, in that way that made something inside of him stir. Or maybe it was the question itself.

"uuhh— that's a long story." He sighed. When his eyes met hers again they looked calm. Like she was waiting. Like she'd love to listen to whatever he had to say.

"Why Millbrook?" he blurted out. Trying to shift the focus.

"My ex-husband is from here," Cordelia answered without hesitation. There was no shame. Or explaining. or stumbling. It was actually refreshing. He kind of admired it.

"John Walker?" Bucky smiled, but it was bordering on biting back a laugh.

"Have you had the pleasure?" She groaned.

"Unfortunately" Bucky chuckled.

"I'm sorry" She raised her eyebrows and took another sip of orange juice. "I got the Walker house in the split. Thought I might as well come out here, get really hands on with the research. Write everything out. And then...sell it" She shrugged.

"And then go where?" Bucky's shoulders had softened, he leaned further onto the counter. His eyes searching her face, trailing over the sunburn across the bridge of her nose and that line going down the middle of her bottom lip.

"Home" She whispered.

"Where's that?"

"Chicago" She sighed with relief.

Bingo. Steve was right on the money. Big city girl.

"Are you gonna let me read your dissertation before you go?" He teased, his voice low and filled with challenge.

"Are you gonna take my book recommendation?" She teased back, raising an eyebrow.

"I–" Bucky began, fully intending to ride the newfound and random wave of sudden confidence.

The door opened and Winnie walked in, bags rustling in her hands and out of breath.

"It's hotter than the goddamn hinges on the gates of hell out there!" She gasped, hands on her hips before she looked up. "Oh! Delia! I didn't know you were here" Winnie gasped, waving for Bucky to come and help with the bags.

"Pick one for me" Bucky smiled before he up from his seat.

"What?" Cordelia turned, her eyes filled with surprise.

"A book. Pick an Austen book for me. For July." He smiled, and took off towards the den to help his mother. 

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Bucky rolled the windows all the way down on this drive back from the hilltop. The sun was starting to set and the sky was an odd shade of blue tonight.

'A Farewell To Arms' was dancing in the wind as the breeze rippled through the pages in his passenger seat. The air felt nice on his skin as he drove through the small and winding roads of Millbrook. Endless rows of houses with little lights in the windows. Children being called in from bouncing on the trampoline. The water sprinkles working over-time due to the lack of rain this week. 

He could almost taste it.

The memory of what it had been like once. How his feet had felt against the bare grass, and the way his wet clothes had clung to his skin after jumping through the sprinklers. It was strange how now, he watched on with a sickly reminiscence that had made all of it feel so far away.

Surrounded by the ever-changing and never-evolving.

Bucky was surprised to find the dark blue jaguar still in the driveway when he turned in on Maple Hollow Drive. Cordelia and Winnie leaning over the popped hood.

Bucky parked on the street, and the slam of his car door made both women slightly jump.

"You ladies venturing into new hobbies?" He walked across the grass, hands in his pockets.

Cordelia looked up, her eyes squinting with frustration.

"I think she's died on me" she let out a soft sigh.

Bucky walked over, leaning over the engine. "Could just be the battery" he shrugged. "I know someone who can figure it out" Bucky reached for his phone.

It took Steve less than 10 minutes to pull around the corner.

And after a few more minutes of assessing, and a couple attempts at jumping the car back to life with no luck, he decided it would be best to tow it back to the shop.

"You probably just need a new battery. I should have something that works at the shop, but I won't be able to install it tonight" Steve explained, wiping his hands down with that same checkered towel he always had thrown over his shoulder while he was working.

Bucky stood at a distance, only picking up every other word of the conversation. Her laugh traveled through the air, and Steve wore that nervous grin on his face for most of it. 

Pretty girl like that made everyone nervous. Even Bucky. And especially Steve.

It was the way she threw her hair into a low ponytail, using her wrist to shove the loose pieces back from her face. Her fingers stained with black car grease and her skin still shiny. Her skirt sliding up as she leaned over the hood, exposing another inch of the back of her thighs. Everything about her body looked tight. And plump. And full. And soft. So fucking soft.

Bucky couldn't stop staring. Couldn't stop imagining it. All of it. Every last thing.

Steve eventually ended up attaching her car to the tow, and drove it back to the shop. Cordelia waved goodbye as he turned down the next street and drove out of sight.

"Bye Peggy" She sighed.

"Peggy?" Bucky chuckled.

"Yeah. I named her. Like you said." She laughed. "What? You don't like Peggy?" She teased.

"No. Peggy is...fine. I just thought it looked more like a...Thor, maybe?" He shrugged, catching Cordelia's offended expression.

"Thor?" She almost rolled her eyes.

"What's wrong with Thor?" Bucky argued.

"Nothing...no. Just—with a name like that, you're definitely compensating for something." She smiled, eyeing him teasingly.

"Don't look at me. My name's not Thor" Bucky held his hands up, gesturing surrender. "But Peggy's a good name. And she's in good hands" He reassured.

"I'll take your word for it" Cordelia smiled, her arms crossed over her chest.

The street was getting quiet. All the houses casting their warm lights out into the slowly darkening neighborhood. Families gathering for dinner. Tv's reflecting blue and purple lights on the walls.

The grass was dry beneath his feet as he kicked at the ground nervously.

The silence was nice. It would have felt almost comfortable if Bucky hadn't felt the urge to speak, clawing at him.

"I should probably get a cab–"

"Do you need a ride home—"

They both blurted out, interrupting each other.

They shared a soft laugh, both of them waiting for the other to finish.

"You don't mind?" She blushed.

"Of course not." He tossed his keys up in the air, and headed towards the car.

Bucky walked around, opening the door for her. The ends of her ponytail brushed against his chest as she turned to take a seat. He'd never been this close to her before. Her scent whirled in the small space between them. Her eyes landing on his before she sank down in the passenger seat. Bucky could feel his blood rushing.

Cordelia crossed her legs. Holding her breath while he closed the door and walked back around to his side.

This was ridiculous.

He was good-looking, sure.

And it was completely fine to look.

She could indulge in those long glances when he didn't notice. Watch his hands, or even the way his shoulders moved. His arms or how he would slip his tongue over his bottom lip while thinking about what to say next. She'd even let herself think about the way his body looked bathed in the warm sunlight. Her coffee cup in his hands. But only a few times.

She'd told herself that even considering anything else would be out of the question. And she'd promised not to break that rule. But god was it easy to convince herself otherwise when she looked at him. 

Bucky got into the driver's seat, his hand gripping the back of her headrest as he backed out onto the street.

"Got everything?" He eyed the purse in her lap. But it was really just an excuse to look her up and down again.

He liked seeing her sitting there. In his car. Her skin pressed against the seat. Her elbow resting against the window frame.

"Think so" she beamed at him, tugging at the elastic in her ponytail. Her hair came undone. Waves and waves of that pretty brown shade cascading down her shoulders. He wondered if it felt as soft as it looked. Bucky rolled down his window as they picked up the speed down the small neighborhood streets. And he could see how it danced in the wind. Like a string of leaves caught in the autumn breeze.

"It's the third house off of–" Cordelia began.

"I know where it is" He smiled, forcing himself to keep his eyes on the road.

"oh. Right," Cordelia chuckled.

"You gonna be okay without a car until tomorrow?" 

"yeah, I'll be fine. Maybe it'll keep me from leaving the house and I'll actually get around to doing all the things I've been putting off." She sighed.

Bucky had never actually driven all the way up to the Walker house. Only past it. It wasn't a place you went unless you had business to be there. They used to even skip it while trick or treating on halloween. John was one of 5 boys. And their father was known to be a terror. Old school military. A mean motherfucker. After he kicked the bucket and the kids all spread, the house stood empty.

Until now.

The driveway curved in a strange manner, forcing him to park in somewhat of a blindspot. Away from the front door. He stopped the car, his gaze shifting towards her to find her already staring back at him.

"Thanks" She smiled.

"No problem" He swallowed hard. His hands were beginning to stick to the leather of the wheel. He wasn't sure why he was still gripping it.

"There's a library" Her voice made him shift.

"A library?" He managed.

"Yeah, it's...I mean, it's in the house. In the study. It's gotta be like 20 years in the making. At least." She giggled and he swore he heard something that sounded like nerves. This was more familiar. Girls stumbling over their words and giggling a bit too hard as they talked to him. This, he knew how to navigate.

"oh...that's nice" He nodded. He wasn't sure where she was going with it.

"If you ever feel like you're running low on something to read. I'm sure there's something in there that you'd like" She shrugged, playing with the ends of her hair.

"Got any Jane Austen in there?" He huffed, his eyes shifting to the massive house.

"Actually...I might" She smiled, her eyes gleaming.

Ask me. 

Ask me inside. 

Ask me inside.

He didn't notice he was holding his breath as he watched her part her lips to speak again.

"I should go. It's getting late. Thank you for the ride" She smiled, reaching for the door handle.

"Yeah, of course. Anytime" He nodded, his hands still clasped to the steering wheel.

Cordelia tugged at the door handle, unable to get it open.

"uhm–that door's kinda—here. Let me" Bucky unclipped his seatbelt and leaned over her. He was hovering so close to her now that the heat from her body radiated against his. Her hair tickled the side of his arm as he pulled at the handle hard, yanking the door open.

"There you go" He whispered, still pressed against her. Cordelia's gaze shifted to his mouth.

"Thanks" She whispered.

Bucky nodded, his lips drawn in a tight smile. He couldn't have managed a single word of the English language even if he tried. There wasn't a drop of blood left in his brain.

He watched her walk towards the house. Her hips swaying as she walked. Bucky tugged at his jeans uncomfortably.

For fuck's sake.

He felt like a fucking teenager again. Like the days when seeing a girl in a tank top made his veins tickle. But somehow, so much worse. He was an adult. He'd seen a plenty of naked girls. Done plenty of fucking.  And still, it was like the first time he accidentally spotted the underwear section in his mothers clothing catalogue. Fingers tingly and practically drooling. He was no better than a dog staring at a bone. What a disappointment. 

Cordelia turned around, giving him one last glance as she waved before turning around the side of the house. She was completely out of sight.

Bucky took a deep breath, running his hands over his face.

He'd have to go home and lock his bedroom door. 

Chapter Text

He'd been waiting for 20 minutes now. Maybe even 25.

Scott Lang had promised to be there at 6.30. It was almost 7PM.

Bucky tapped his foot against the ground, looking up at the sky. The sun would start setting soon. And he'd wasted most of his day driving decorations and other supplies back and forth to the exhibition hall at the museum. The only reason he'd jumped at the chance to help was because he thought he might see Cordelia.

Of course when he agreed to help, he'd forgotten she didn't have her car. So the whole thing was a bust and now he was a bit grumpy.

Scott Lang lived almost an hour out of town. But he had the best weed in the area. And a day like this called for some proper distraction.

Finally, a half-beat up red car sped into the parking lot.

Bucky looked on with disappointment, his arms still crossed as Scott made his way towards him.

"Barnes! Where have you been, man?" Scott grinned widely, opening his arms widely for a hug.

Bucky rolled his eyes, returning the greeting.

"Here. For like 30 minutes" He sighed.

"You know what it's like, man. I've got stops. I've got business to do. But I didn't forget about ya! How have you been?" He clapped him on the shoulder. This was the issue with Scott. He loved to hear himself talk.

"I'm good." Bucky shrugged. He wasn't really in the mood for anything but an undisturbed high.

It was another 20 minutes of rambling from Scott before Bucky's phone started ringing.

His screen lit up with Steve's name.

"Yeah" He answered, thankful for the break from Scott's incessant chatter.

"Hey–uhm...where are you?" Steve sounded slightly winded.

"What's up Rogeeeeers!" Scott shouted.

"Is that Scott Lang?"

"Yeah" Bucky sighed.

"Oh. Special occasion?" Steve teased.

"Everyday's a special occasion" Bucky argued.

"Yeah. Uh—listen. Can you do me a favor? I was gonna take Ms.Delia's car to her house, but I uh—something's kinda come up" Steve was sounding winded again.

"Everything okay?" Bucky asked, a bit concerned.

"Yeah. Everything's fine. I just—I kinda...well, Wanda called" Steve sighed.

"Okay?" Bucky knew where this was going. But he wanted Steve to say it. He'd had a long day and few things were more hilarious than forcing Steve to talk about sex.

"She...she wants me to—I'm going over to her place" Steve stuttered.

"...to?" Bucky pressed, biting back his laughter.

"Buck, don't be a dick. Can you take the car to Ms.Delia or not?" Steve spat.

Hearing Steve refer to her as 'Ms.Delia'  made Bucky feel funny. She was older than them, sure. But not that much older. He didn't like being reminded of all the ways she might look at him as just some kid who had a crush. Either way, he was ecstatic over having a proper excuse to see her.

"I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, I'll drop it off. Go get laid." Bucky laughed.

He could hear Steve sighing on the other end before muttering a quick "Thanks. Keys are in the garage."

He hadn't quite planned it all through before saying yes. He wasn't sure how he'd get home after dropping her car off. But it didn't matter, he'd figure that part out later.

Bucky felt jittery the entire drive. He wished he'd worn something a little more sophisticated. Jeans and a T-shirt was fine for running errands back and forth to the museum. But for stopping by her house? He wanted her to take him seriously. Like an adult. A proper adult.

Bucky drove the car with extreme attention and care, terrified to deliver it back to her in anything but perfect condition. He hadn't even called to tell her he was coming. He didn't even have her number. Maybe he should ask his mother for it?

No.

He wanted to avoid the questions. He was sure she wouldn't think anything of it immediately. But sooner or later, she'd start wondering why he jumped at every single opportunity to see that awfully pretty researcher from out of town. Ugh. What a cliché he was.

He pulled the car up to the side of the house, locked it and started his walk towards the front door.

The air was thick with the scent of freshly mowed grass. His ears buzzing with the sound of crickets. There were little flies dancing further out in the yard, where the long grass still swayed and the sun caught the leaves.

Bucky swallowed hard, straightening his shirt and running a hand through his hair before knocking. It was a strong knock. Three of them.

This place looked even bigger and creepier up close.

The large door swung open slowly with a heavy creak, revealing Cordelia on the other side.

"Hi–" He blurted out, his breath catching in his throat at the sight of her.

Her long hair resting over her shoulder, her clothes hugging her body tightly. What was that? A yoga set? He could see every curve and dip of her full figure. Suddenly, he no longer had to imagine the shape of her thighs that had been hidden beneath that skirt the last time he saw her.

Or her hips.

He could feel the blood rushing away from his head again.

"Bucky?" She looked confused, leaning against the doorway.

"Brought you your car" Bucky dangled the keys between them, trying his hardest to not choke on his words.

"I thought Steve was dropping it off?"

"Steve was—he got double booked" Bucky managed.

"So you volunteered?" She tilted her head. God, it did something to him when she did that.

"I–he asked me to. I was in the area—"

He was grateful for the interruption when there was a piercing whistling sound.

"Shoot–Come in." She smiled, opening the door wider and turning on her heel. "I have water on the stove. Make yourself at home!" She waved for him to enter as she hurried behind the wall.

Bucky couldn't help but watch how tightly those pants clung to her. Like an extra layer of skin. He could see the outline of her panties. He bit down on his tongue, swallowing hard before turning his eyes to something else.

He'd never been in this house before. And he'd been in most of the houses in Millbrook. At some point you're friends with all the kids. Before puberty happens, and preferences change.

But most kids avoided the Walker house like a plague. Most of them will say it goes back to that time where the dad threatened to blow his shotgun off at one of the mailmen.

He was a Vietnam vet. People were understanding, but not accepting, of the incident.

Bucky was spinning around, taking in the sight of the house when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

Lisa

Hey. What are you doing? Mom & Dad are staying an extra day at grandparents. Do you want to stop by tonight? For old times sake :)

"Do you want some tea? I'm making tea!" Cordelia shouted from somewhere farther inside the house.

"uh—sure. Yeah. I'll have some tea" He didn't even like tea.

His fingers hovered over the screen, beginning to type his answer when Cordelia walked back into the room.

"I told you to make yourself at home" She giggled, eyeing the way he was still standing stiffly in the den.

"Oh, sorry. I was just—" He shoved his phone back into his pocket. "This place is...something" He stepped into the living room.

"Yeah. It's got its charm. Sometimes." She shrugged, combing her fingers through her hair and throwing it over her shoulder. It drove him crazy. He wanted to tangle his hands into it. Pull it. Twist it around his fist as he—

He had to stop.

He was only making it unbearable for himself.

"I've only ever seen it from the outside" He picked up the steaming cup of tea.

"I take it you and John weren't exactly friends then" She scoffed, slipping down on one of the armchairs.

"Not really. He was older than me. But I saw him around plenty" He huffed.

"You can sit" She smiled at him.

He took a seat across from her, placing the cup down on the table. The steam whirled in the air. It smelled sweet. Like her.

"I appreciate all your help. The car and everything. Thank you" Her voice was soft.

"It's no problem. I don't mind." He shrugged.

"God...I wish I had something more fun to offer than...tea!" Cordelia laughed, slightly embarrassed.

"No, really. It's fine." He laughed.

She bit down on her lip, her eyes filled with what looked like pondering as she rested her cheek in her hand.

"How old are you, Bucky?" She whispered.

His phone buzzed. He didn't look at it.

"I'll be 22 in a few months" In March. He'd be 22 in March. It was June. It was nowhere close.

"So...you're 21." She chuckled.

"Yeah. I–Yes" He felt so stupid. And the tea was making him feel hot. And she was making him feel flustered.

"Well...then I won't get in trouble for offering you a drink" Her mouth held in a string of mischief.

"No" He shrugged.

"Do you want a drink?"

His phone buzzed again.

"Actually, I'd love a drink" He smiled.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

"Wait, so how did you get out of there?!" Cordelia cackled. She pressed her hand over her wide grin, trying to soften the sound of her laughter. She'd had to wipe her eyes of tears more than once at Bucky's animated story.

"The window! I had to use my socks on my hands because the pipe was frozen." The wine was getting to him. He could feel the heat buzzing beneath his skin as he watched her laugh. Her face fell into her hands as she tried to collect herself.

There was something intriguing about her. Aside from the obvious, that she was fucking gorgeous. She seemed vibrant. Or maybe, vibrating. Like something with its own pulse. Like something that was the opposite of the monochrome, mundane, slightly hazy reality of Millbrook.

"I have to be completely honest for a second" Bucky finally managed between winded laughs and lingering giggles.

"Please" Cordelia encouraged.

"I don't get it" he shook his head softly, licking his lips.

"Get what?" She chuckled, her cheeks still hurting from all the laughter.

"John Walker. I mean, of all people—" Bucky chuckled.

Cordelia took another sip of her wine before putting it down. Her glass scraped softly against the table top.

"It was a classic teenage fuck-up. We were both young. I was...in desperate need of rescue. He was in desperate need of someone to rescue" She shrugged, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"If you don't mind me saying...he was always an asshole. And apparently, not very bright either" Bucky let out a soft chuckle.

"You're definitely right about at least one of those things" Cordelia exclaimed, reaching for her glass and raising it in agreement.

"It's definitely both," Bucky insisted. "I mean..." He gestured softly towards her.

"What?" Cordelia whispered, swirling the wine.

"...I mean, look at you." His voice was soft. But strangely confident. It was the alcohol.

Her lips tugged into a smile before she cleared her throat, putting her glass back down.

She thought it was cute that he was flirting.

Or at least attempting to.

Bucky could feel the heat in his cheeks. Spreading out into his chest. Into his palms. His heart was pounding. Maybe he'd gone too far.

His phone buzzed again. This time he reached for it quickly. Hoping the distraction might lessen the tension.

Lisa

Why'd you stop typing?

Lisa

Hello?

Lisa

I've been thinking about the way you feel inside of me all day.

Bucky locked the screen, putting the phone down on the table.

It buzzed again.

Lisa

Text message (1)

"Your girlfriend?" Cordelia's voice was a testing whisper.

"No" Bucky chuckled, locking the screen again. "I don't have a girlfriend".

"So, who's Lisa?" She bit her lip, smiling at him with challenge in her eyes.

"Just...a girl" He was getting nervous, and he was buzzed. And she was so fucking beautiful.

"Okay, Romeo." Cordelia scoffed, making Bucky laugh.

"I promise it's not like that" He sighed, sipping his wine. He wasn't drunk enough to have this conversation. Or maybe he was.

"You stringing her along? Or she stringing you along?" Cordelia whispered. He could tell the alcohol was getting to her too. Her eyelids were heavy as she leaned on her elbow. He couldn't help but trail his gaze along the curve of her body where she was half leaning against the side of the armchair.

And she noticed.

Noticed him looking. Noticed him being curious.

"I don't know...a bit of both maybe?" He confessed. "Lisa was the type of friend that...you know, you feel like you owe it to yourself to see if there could ever be more?"

Cordelia nodded, her eyes drawn with compassion.

"I just...I don't know. I want more for myself than whatever this is. I hate this fucking place" Bucky huffed, fidgeting with his glass.

"So why'd you decide to go to Prescott State?" Cordelia asked, her voice soft and lacking the judgement Bucky had when speaking to himself. It was the third time she'd asked him. Most people took his initial excuse as good enough. But she seemed persistent to get to the real answer.

"My dad split...uh–senior year of high school. Got a new family. My mom was a mess. I was uh—I was gonna go to Harvard" He managed. He felt a bit shaky. Maybe it was the wine, mixed with the lack of food. Maybe it was telling a stranger about a part of his life he wasn't even really fond of speaking to his friends about.

"I decided I'd wait a year, year and a half. Let everything settle. My sister was still in school. It wasn't fair to leave her to manage everything and...eventually I guess, I thought I should stay close by. You know?" He looked up, and Cordelia's eyes held that look he dreaded.

Pity.

"You want my advice?"

"Sure" He smiled, biting back whatever lump was growing in his throat.

"Nothing ever stops being scary. Not until you do it." She whispered, leaning closer to the table. Her eyes were locked on his. "This is the best time to fuck up. If you're gonna be wrong, now is the time to be wrong. You—you're young. You're free. Charming. Smart. And let me tell you the biggest secret of all—" She leaned in further, urging him to follow. His eyes locked on her mouth as she curled her finger, gesturing for him to come closer.

"You've got so much time" She whispered.

Bucky nodded, smiling.

"Seriously. Look at me! I'm 29. Divorced. And still in school. I didn't even start feeling like an actual adult until last year. You've got time." She chuckled.

"Yeah" Bucky chuckled.

"Say it!" She pointed her wineglass at him threateningly.

"I've got time" He repeated, feeling the lump in his throat untangle a bit.

"Harvard has been standing since 16-fucking-36. It'll be there next year. And the year after that" She winked.

His phone buzzed again.

Lisa

Text message (2)

He caught Cordelia's gaze shifting to the screen as it lit up.

"It's getting late. Isn't it?" She put her glass down, stretching her arms over her head. Bucky watched the curve of her waist, and how her shirt slid up a bit. He couldn't help but wonder what that sliver of skin would feel like against his tongue.

"oh...yeah. I should uh—get going" He put his phone in his pocket.

"You're not driving. You've been drinking. I'll order you a cab" She dug between the couch cushions for her phone.

"I didn't bring my car. I came in yours, remember?" He laughed.

"oh shit...that's right" Cordelia looked at him wide eyed, making him laugh.  He was too drunk and too jittery to care about the buzzing in his pocket.

"I'll walk. It's not far." Bucky got to his feet.

"Are you crazy? It's in the middle of the night!" She rushed to her feet as well.

"It's 10 PM" Bucky chuckled.

"I'll walk with you" Cordelia argued.

"And who's gonna walk you home?" Bucky tilted his head, marking his victory over her.

"Just let me call you a cab" She whined, pressing a hand against his chest. Bucky felt like his heart was going to fall into his stomach. The smell of her hair filled the air between them. Her large eyes looking up at him as he towered over her. His fingers were itching to brush against her body. It was making him almost dizzy. Worse than the wine. She was fucking intoxicating.

"Cordelia..." He whispered, not sure what was going to follow. He just wanted to say her name. "I'll be fine. I'm a grown up" He smiled.

"Fine. On one condition–" she held her palm out to him. "Your phone" She demanded.

He gave it to her without any argument, watching how the screen lit up her face as her thumbs swiped over it.

"That's my number. Text me when you get home" She locked the phone and pressed it against his chest. Bucky felt giddy at the gesture. He still wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or her.

Her.

It was definitely her.

"Yes, ma'm" He snickered.

"Shut up" She gave him a playful shove.

The air felt nice against his warm skin as the door opened. The chirping from the crickets buzzed louder in his ears than his heartbeat did.

"Thanks, for the drink and...the pep talk?" Bucky smiled, standing halfway leaned against the door frame.

"You're welcome. First one's free." She smiled up at him, offering a playful wink.

Bucky could feel the itch in his entire body. It was the strongest urge he'd ever had. He couldn't look away from her fucking mouth. How full it was, and slightly shiny from when she'd licked the last of the wine from it only seconds before.

At first, he didn't even notice himself leaning closer. Then, he wasn't sure if he'd had the discipline to stop himself either way.

Suddenly Cordelia was so quiet.

Waiting.

Not stopping him. That's one thing that was for sure.

She didn't try to stop him.

His lips brushed carefully against hers. Gently. It felt like electricity. Like static. Feather soft against his own. Just heat and impulse. And guts. A lot of fucking guts.

She still hadn't stopped him. She didn't move. At least it didn't feel like she did. Her eyes locked on his mouth as he inched so close he could feel the warmth of her soft breaths against his face.

He pressed a kiss to her mouth.

Just one. Lingering. Holding his breath.

She was so soft.

So fucking soft.

His entire 21 years of life could've fit in that split second, before she pulled away. And he was pummeled back to reality.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

His heart was pounding. His eyes searching hers desperately for something. For anything.

Cordelia's breath hitched, and she pressed herself back against his mouth. Her hands moving slowly onto his chest as he stumbled forward. Bucky's fingers brushed against the soft curve of her jaw, letting his tongue swipe across her bottom lip. She tasted like the wine they'd been drinking. Smoked cherry and aged blackberries.

He felt like he was floating.

Her tongue was like velvet against his. Her mouth warm and slippery. Fitting against his perfectly. Like he'd been made to do this exact thing.

To kiss her.

He could feel her arms wrapping over his shoulders, his body seconds away from being pressed against hers. It was heaven. It was bliss.

And then his phone buzzed.

Cordelia pulled away. Stepping back. Untwisting herself from his embrace.

Bucky stared at her, wide eyed and winded.

"Fuck. I'm sorry—I don't know why I–" He whispered, his hand still cupped around her face. Feeling her warm and soft skin against his palm.

"It's okay" She smiled, brushing her hand across his.

His phone was still vibrating in his pocket. Demanding attention.

"She's persistent," Cordelia chuckled, sounding just as nervous as he did for a second.

Bucky was still winded. He felt like he'd been suspended mid-air.

"I...fuck. I feel like an idiot—" He huffed nervously.

"No. No, It's okay." She guided his hand away from her face, her grip on it still soft as she kept her gaze on his. "Thank you for the car.  I'll see you tomorrow at the museum." She pressed a kiss to his cheek. He wasn't sure if it felt demeaning or sweet.

"Yeah" He nodded, still feeling like an idiot.

"Text me when you get home. Don't forget."

"I will—I won't. I'll text you." Bucky took a few steps back before he turned and walked down the stairs to the front door.

He didn't dare look back at her.

The walk home was quick enough. The wind felt nice against his face. Like it was going to set him straight somehow. But he couldn't stop thinking about the way her mouth felt.

Her tongue.

He ran a hand along his face, quickening his pace. Like he could outwalk what had happened. But the memory of it stayed. Clinging to him like fire to his skin. He was on the verge of spiraling.

But it wasn't all him. It was her too. She'd done it too. Kissed him back.

God, the fucking sound that left her when she pulled him back. The softest whimper he'd ever heard. Her plump lips pressing against his.

Her mouth moving with so much certainty. Like she meant it. Her hands. Her hands on his body.

The wine and his senses had offered a vicious mix. Dragging his conscience by its hair. What an idiot he was. What a fucking idiot.

The house was dark as he walked quietly up the stairs. He collapsed onto the bed with a deep sigh, pressing his face against the pillow before reaching for his phone.

Bucky

Made it home.

Delia Dexter

Picture for proof!

Bucky snapped a quick photo of himself. His hair tousled against the old striped pillowcase. He looked every bit as drunk and stupid as he felt.

Bucky

Happy?

Delia Dexter

Very! Get some sleep. You're working the event tomorrow.

Bucky

Don't remind me :(

Delia Dexter

You'll do great! It will be fun.

Bucky

See you tomorrow.

Delia Dexter

See you tomorrow. I had a fun time tonight. Don't feel bad.

Bucky sighed. He didn't feel bad.

He felt like a fucking idiot.

But not bad.

He looked at the white and blue bubbles for a bit before hitting the edit button.

He deleted 'Delia Dexter', his fingers dragging across the screen as it typed;

Cordelia.

Like King Lear.

Chapter Text

Cordelia's pen had slipped into a small doodle of something. She'd just let her mind wander and her hand play along the margins. It looked a little like a mouse. Maybe she should add a piece of cheese?

She huffed to herself, frustration tingling beneath her skin as pulled at the tangles in her hair. She sighed, leaning back in the chair and staring at the ceiling.

She'd tried not to think about it. How soft and careful his hand felt against her face. How gentle. Curious.

It had made her all the more curious too.

She needed to be careful. The last thing she wanted was to give anyone the wrong idea. Especially him.

But he was so sweet. His blue eyes so intrigued as he listened to her speak. The soft pout of his mouth as he was unable to stop himself from looking at her. She thought it was adorable, how he thought he was being discreet. Everything about him radiated uncontrollable and unexplored desire. 

She liked the attention. The compliment. She'd be lying if she pretended she didn't.

After John, things had felt incredibly bleak. She wasn't looking for another relationship. Her scattered string of casual hook-ups had already made that clear. And in the last few months she'd enjoyed her own company more than anyone else's. She enjoyed fulfilling her own desires. Knowing her body better than anyone could. It was nice to have a guaranteed orgasm waiting for you at the end of a long day.

But it was the way he looked at her. Like he just couldn't help himself. His eyes wide, and glimmering and focused. Like he was drinking her in, and didn't know how not to. 

Strangely enough, he was probably less of a risk than anyone.

Young college boy. Probably not interested in much else but something exciting and new. Plain old fucking, with no pressure of a relationship. Or having to keep his options limited and hands to himself while back at school.

It could be good to get it out of her system.

Or it could be stupid. And dangerous. 

Cordelia chewed on the end of her pen, her knees pressed to her chest as she peeled back layer after layer of thought.

This was the problem. She was always thinking too much. And not doing enough.

That's where she was comfortable. Searching for possible outcomes, and hidden symbolism. Studying the patterns and desires of people long gone.

She was too flighty to deal with the ones in front of her.

Her own patterns. Her own desires.

There was another problem as well.

She'd established a great working relationship with his mother. Maybe even bordering on some sort of friendship.

She liked Winnie Barnes. A great deal, even.

She'd had no reason to think that they shouldn't stay in touch after her research was complete.

Which made the mere consideration to fuck her son, a bit more complicated.

And then the memory slipped its way back in. His mouth on hers. How he'd been too shy to take charge. How she kinda liked how willing he was to give her the upper hand. The way his chest felt beneath her hands. How she'd been so ready to just give in and let herself be pressed against him. Wrapped and engulfed in his large frame. Those broad shoulders. His hands.

She was practically gnawing through the pen, when a sudden and strong vibration jolted her back to reality.

John (don't answer)

I wanna talk to you.

Cordelia sighed, feeling the rush of both anger and nerves sparking through her chest. He'd probably gotten the papers.

The process of leaving John had been gruesome. What had started as a mutual departure from their marriage had slowly turned into a petty battle of belongings. Taking as much as you could from the other person. Making things as difficult as you could.

And now, the final task was up to him.

John (don't answer)

Please, Delia.

Cordelia

I'm busy. What do you want?

She longed for the moment communication between them was no longer a demand. But until he signed the papers, she had no choice but to play his stupid game.

John (don't answer)

Can I come over? If I start driving now I could be there by tonight. I just need to see you.

Cordelia

I don't think that's a good idea. Doing a thing for work tonight. And we agreed not to see each other.

John (don't answer)

I think this is a mistake, Delia. And I think you know that, but you're just being difficult because you're feeling hurt.

She stared at the text. She considered for a few minutes if she should just let him spiral. Let his concerns go into an echo chamber of emptiness. Let him hear himself, so he could see how stupid he sounded.

She jumped when his name flashed across the screen. It was too late. If she didn't pick up now, he'd never stop calling.

"Hello?" Cordelia sighed, her forehead pressed to her palm.

"Delia? Delia—you picked up." He mumbled, his words slightly slurred.

"Jesus Christ, John. Are you drunk?"

"I'm hurt" He slurred.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. Here came the dramatics.

"John...I really don't have time for this" She whispered, staring at the little doodle of the mouse she'd made in the margin of her notebook.

"You're making a mistake, Delia. We're not supposed to do this. We're supposed to figure this out!" He urged.

"There is nothing left to figure out, John. Just sign the papers" She sighed.

"No. No, I'm not signing shit until you see me" he demanded, his words more jumbled. His tone sharp.

"Stop it." She tried to remain calm. She'd learned that meeting him where he was in his anger did no good. They ended up trying to out-anger each other, every time.

"I'm serious. I love you, Delia. If I sign these papers, that's it for us. I don't think you understand the severity of this situation." His voice trembled, his tone sinking. It was always like this. A tactic. The sudden and blatant shifts. Accusatory. Loving. Angry. Comforting.

"John, listen to me. The longer you drag this out, the worse it gets. You have the apartment. You'll get half of the house once it's sold. It's done" She had to stand her ground. There was no other way.

"You fucking bitch. You selfish fucking bitch!" He growled.

"There it is. I was wondering how long it was gonna take" She chuckled dryly.

"This is typical you, you know? I'm doing you a favor, Delia! Do you think anyone else is gonna put up with your shit? You condescending, manipulative, snobby, fucking—" His voice ripped through the line, the static vibrating against her ear.

"john...John—JOHN!" Cordelia shouted, finally stopping his hurl of insults.

"I'm only going to say this once; if you contact me again about anything but the divorce papers, or if you show up here on what is now my property, I'm calling the fucking cops. Do you understand?" She spat, her voice a sharp hiss.

"Delia—I'm sorry—this...this is why I wanted to see you. If we can just talk about thi—"

"Do you understand?" She interrupted him, her voice cold.

"Yes, but–" He tried.

"Sign the fucking papers" She spat into the speaker before hanging up the phone and throwing it down on her desk.

She pressed her forehead against her knees, taking a few deep breaths. Trying to swallow that lump in her throat before she ran her hands over the small flow of tears she hadn't been able to stop.

It was already 5PM.

She had to get dressed.  

Chapter Text

Steve bit down on his tongue as Bucky rounded the corner.

"Not a fucking word, Rogers" He growled.

"It's like 5th grade all over again!" Steve barely managed without breaking into hysterical laughter.

Bucky had been completely unaware of the staff dress code when he'd agreed to help. White shirt, black vest and a bow tie. A fucking bow tie. What was he, twelve?

And almost all of Millbrook was here. At least the part that would never let him hear the end of it.

"How did last night go?" Bucky took another quick drag of the messily rolled blunt. It was not Steve's greatest skill, but he appreciated the effort.

"It went well. Very well." Steve grinned so hard it made him cough, his hand frantically waving the smoke out of his face.

"Alright, take it easy. Sounds like you're gonna need to save some of that strength." Bucky laughed, taking another drag.

"How about you? Get the car back to Ms.Delia?" Steve cleared his throat, holding back another cough.

"Yeah. It was fine. Drove it there. Had a drink. Walked home." He shrugged, handing the blunt back to Steve who wore an awfully confused look on his face.

"You had...a drink?" He narrowed his eyes at him.

"Yeah. What?" Bucky's voice became slightly defensive. A mistake on his part, he immediately realized.

"You had a drink with Ms. Delia?" Steve asked again, his tone slightly more pitched this time.

"Yea—why do you call her that?" Bucky snapped.

"Because it's respectful. She's older than me!" Steve snapped back.

"She's not older. She's 29!" Bucky tugged at his vest uncomfortably .

"She's got almost a decade on us, buddy" Steve scoffed, his face scrunching up as Bucky pulled the blunt from his hand.

"It's 8 years. Not a decade" Bucky rolled his eyes.

"Why are you being weird about Ms.Delia?" Steve's tone playfully accusing.

"I'm not being weird. You're being weird. I gotta go back inside. Make sure these people get their shrimp cocktail or whatever the fuck" Bucky practically shoved the blunt back into Steves hand.

"Bucky, did you do something stupid?" Steve sighed.

"Me? Something stupid? Never." Bucky took a deep breath, pulling the backdoor to the kitchen open.

"You look great in your little bow tie! I'm sure Ms. Delia thinks you're the most handsome bo–"

"Eat shit!" Bucky flashed him a sharp look before disappearing behind the door. The last thing he heard was Steve giggling to himself.

Bucky smiled, nodded, and walked his way through most of the event. He'd indulge in the occasional compliment about his mother and all of her hard work. Mostly he was glad that no one was asking him questions.

He'd done well enough trying to avoid everyone. He stayed strictly out of Steve's way, who wasn't capable of locking eyes with him without collapsing into a fit of laughter. Which made it hard for Bucky to keep a straight grip on the damn shrimp tray.

He avoided Lisa like the plague. But he noticed how she eyed him, her arm tucked into Wanda's as they paced the floor.

And then there was Cordelia.

Bucky was sure the only thing keeping his heartbeat down was the weed.

She'd turned every single head when she walked in there. Wives gripping their husbands and eyeing her up and down.

He didn't blame them.

Cordelia had that thing about her. That thing that just made you want to look, and look, and look.

Her brown hair fell in waves down her back, covering the straps of her dark blue dress. She wore heels tonight. Bucky had peeked at them when he was getting a refill of the champagne glasses.

Skinny heel. Pointed toe. Silky.

He'd avoided her more than anyone else, and found himself slightly disappointed at the fact that she seemed to be doing the same. She'd kept a glass of champagne in her right hand, half full. All night. He'd made a point to keep track. Because he was thinking about offering her a refill, should he need to test the waters.

But it was like she knew. Like she was doing it on purpose.

"Bucky!" He heard someone call out to him. He turned his head, his eyes locking on Lisa as she waved him over.

He moved across the room reluctantly, swiping quickly behind Cordelia. Hoping she'd turn to look at him. She didn't.

"Hey" Bucky managed, trying to ignore Wanda's judging gaze.

"What happened to you last night?" Lisa untangled herself from her friend, and stepped closer.

She was looking up at him with that feigned innocence.

"I was busy" Bucky shrugged. "Didn't see your text until this morning."

"What were you doing?" She smiled. He knew that smile. She was ready to pick a fight.

"Why does it matter?" He smiled back, showing just as many teeth. He was sweating. He was high. He was trying to keep an eye on Cordelia, and he was wearing a fucking bow tie. He'd never had a longer string of inconveniences all unfolding at the same time.

"I thought—" She sharpened her eyes, getting ready to attack when another voice called for them both.

"Lisa! How have you been, sweetie?" Winnie Barnes had come to his rescue. Or detriment. It wasn't fully clear yet.

"Mrs. Barnes!" Lisa beamed like she hadn't just flashed her teeth at Bucky in an attempt to rip him apart.

"Oh, stop it. You know better than to call me anything but Winnie, dear. You look incredible!" Winnie grabbed Lisa by the hands. "Bucky, doesn't she look beautiful?" Winnie turned to her son.

Bucky smiled, feeling the bow tie tightening around his throat by the second. Lisa's eyes flashed with murder.

"This exhibition is incredible! You've really put together something very special" Lisa shifted her gaze back to Bucky's mother.

"Oh, I wouldn't have known how to get half of this done if it wasn't for Delia. Oh hold on, let me—Delia, come here!" Winnie waved.

Bucky's stomach turned. Detriment. Definitely to his detriment.

He could hear the sound of her heels clinking against the floor. Bucky wanted to throw up. Could this get any worse?

"Lisa, this is Cordelia Dexter. Cordelia, this is—"

"Hi" Lisa waved.

"Hi" Cordelia smiled back. Her eyes shifted to Bucky quickly, and to her absolute horror she'd just managed to catch him while he'd decided to do the same.

"Hi" Bucky mumbled, feeling like he was fighting to form the word. There was no sense in trying to pretend their eyes hadn't just met.

"Hey.." Cordelia bit back a shy smile.

"Hi!" Steve popped in, sweeping up on Bucky's left.

"Hi!" Cordelia responded excitedly, she must've been just as relieved at the break in the tension as Bucky was.

"How's the car?" Steve grinned.

"It's like nothing ever happened to it. Thank you so much! You still haven't told me how much I owe you." Cordelia beamed.

"Don't worry about it, Ms. Delia. On the house" Steve shrugged. 

Bucky tried to manage the twitch in his eyebrow. Tried his hardest not to turn his gaze toward Steve. He'd never known him to refuse payment for fixing anything.  

"Sorry I couldn't get it to you last night. Thank god for this guy, huh?" Steve smiled, clapping Bucky on the shoulder.

"oh–yes–" Cordelia's eyes stirred slightly, jumping between her drink and Bucky.

"Thought you were busy?" Lisa snapped her head around. The gesture reminded him of something straight out of 'The Exorcist'.

"oh..." Steve muttered.

"I was. Doing that." Bucky managed through a tight lipped smile.

It could. It absolutely could get worse.

"Lisa, that dress is incredible on you! Is it custom?" Cordelia blurted out, pulling all the attention to herself. Bucky saw how Lisa's sharp brow softened, her shoulders rounding a bit as she smiled back at Cordelia. He wouldn't find a better time to run than now.

"I gotta get...more shrimp—" He mumbled before bolting into the back room.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The night was coming to an end. There was a slew of plastic champagne glasses, shrimp tails and half eaten mini quiches spread over the tables. The banner was crooked and the muttering had grown more quiet as people lined up to leave the hall.

"You coming?" Steve peeked around the corner, grinning widely at Bucky.

"uh—" Bucky scanned the room quickly, looking for Cordelia. She was standing in one of the corners, rolls of shiny string decor in her hand. She was talking to the last of the guests. "I gotta stay back and help clean up" Bucky cleared his throat.

"I can help—" Steve offered.

"It's fine. You guys should go ahead, get the bonfire started. I can—" He turned again, his eyes searching for her. "I'll have to go home and change but, I'll be there later" He nodded, smiling at Steve. He wasn't sure if showing up would be a good idea. But Steve didn't need to know that he was still on the fence.

"...alright" Steve shrugged, giving Bucky's shoulder a squeeze before making his way out of the hall.

Before he knew it, the room had emptied out completely.  Bucky and Cordelia moved around carefully. Passing each other by in complete silence. Keeping their distance.

"I already sent your mom home. You can leave. I got this." Her voice echoed between the sounds of crunchy paper and plastic glasses. It was the first thing she'd said to him since she'd walked in. Besides the softly forced 'hey'.

"I don't mind helping." Bucky reassured, hands in his pockets as he walked towards her.

"You've done plenty. You should go with your friends." She insisted.

Bucky didn't move. He watched as she busied herself with filling up another trash bag. Her hands were moving quickly, her eyes focused.

"Still not finished avoiding me?" He blurted out.

Cordelia put the bag down, turning to face him.

"Thought about it" She shrugged, a teasing smile on her lips.

"And?" He smiled, picking up the bag for her. Her eyelashes looked long and dark, curling at the ends as she avoided looking back at him even though he was standing so close.

"I'm not sure yet"

"I guess I should thank you now, then. In case this is the only sliver of attention you give me." He whispered, playfully.

"For what?" She whispered back.

"Your little rescue back there. Gave me a clean cut to escape through the back." He licked his lips, trying not to think too hard about what hers felt like.

"Well, you looked like you might need a breather. Besides, the first real life skill you learn as a girl is de-escalation" She huffed.

Cordelia couldn't help but notice how he wasn't fidgeting, or stumbling over his words. His eyes weren't jumpy. Weren't rolling up and down her body, unable to keep still. It made her feel nervous.

How ironic that they'd somehow traded places.

"so...what do you kids get up to at the bonfire?" She managed, focusing her eyes on picking up more trash as she wandered along the room.

"uhm—drink? do drugs?" He laughed, trying to shake off how much he disliked being referred to as 'kid'.

"Sounds like quite the party. Sure you wanna miss it?" She teased.

"I don't know...it's starting to feel kinda redundant" He shrugged.

"Bucky..." Cordelia stopped so abruptly, he almost slammed into her.

"Yes?" He smiled, making it hard for her to not smile back at him.

"I meant it. Yesterday, when I said you shouldn't feel bad. You shouldn't. But that can't...happen again." Her voice was soft, her hands gripping the trash bag a little tighter. This was as much for him as for her. There was only one way this disaster could be avoided. And it was through making the rules clear. For both of them.

"Were you thinking about it happening again?" Bucky blurted out, his eyes unwavering against hers.

"I–no, I'm just saying that—we shouldn't–" She had to stop and gather herself. Suddenly it was strangely difficult to focus on the point while he was looking at her like that.
Bucky raised his eyebrows, waiting for the rest of her explanation.

"We shouldn't" She managed. That should be plain enough.

"Okay" He nodded, but his eyes held a strangely mischievous glare to them. Like he didn't believe what he was saying. And even worse, like he didn't believe what she was saying.

"Good" She cleared her throat. Returning to the trash.

"Mhmm" He agreed, following along with the bag.

Cordelia could feel the weight moving off of her shoulders. This was the right decision. She was being a proper adult about it. There was no reason to give into her urges this time. It would be too complicated. Actually, it would be a shit show.

It was dark when they walked out of the museum. The streetlights were casting long beams of light against the parking lot. The air was humid and warm as the night breeze danced through the treetops in the distance. There was only the sound of raindrops hitting the gutter, and Cordelia's heels, before she came to a stop under the side of the roof.

"I'll walk you to your car" Bucky insisted. The way she looked in the softness of the streetlight made him feel a strange sense of longing.

"I didn't drive. I'll get a cab." She mumbled softly.

"A cab? It's Monday night. In Millbrook. Where are you gonna find a cab?" He laughed.

"Let me worry about that! You should go, before it gets too late." She smiled at him reassuringly.

"There's no—" Bucky began, and before he could think of another excuse, the sky opened up on them. The soft drizzle turned into heavy rain. Drops the size of quarters. The force of it made the gutter above them shake. Cordelia could feel the water bounce off the concrete and onto her ankles.

"I'll wait with you. Just to make sure someone comes for you." He chuckled, looking up towards the rain.

"Bucky, you really—you don't have to worry about—" She tried.

"Please, I'd just feel a whole lot better knowing I didn't leave you out here. In the rain. At night" He smiled, making her roll her eyes. Cordelia could pretend. She could even argue with him.

But it felt nice.

Nice that he offered to wait. Nice that he was waiting.

"It's 10 PM" she teased, echoing his own words from the previous night.

"...Just let me drive you home" He sighed. His head held in that playful tilt. His lips pulled in that soft smile. She felt like he was calling her bluff.

She bit down on her lip, her eyes dancing over his face.

"Fine" She agreed. 

Chapter Text

The drive was quiet. 

The radio in Bucky's car would shift between static and a distant tone of some 80's radio ballad. The windshield wipers scratched the glass loudly, sweeping the heavy raindrops out of the way. 

Cordelia's hair was slightly damp. Even though Bucky tried not to glance at her too much, he could see the little specks of raindrops resting on her shoulders as they caught the light from the street lamps outside.

The Walker house looked even more unsettling in the rain. Bucky drove his car up carefully. Getting as close to the side of the house as he could without driving on the grass.  

The windshield wipers squeaked loudly as the rain blurred and un-blurred their view of the street. 

"Thanks for the ride" Cordelia smiled, grabbing her shoes in one hand and reaching for the door handle with the other.

"I–wait." Bucky blurted out. Cordelia turned, looking at him from over her shoulder. 

"Lisa isn't my girlfriend. I mean, she was. But I— we haven't been together since I left for college." He swallowed hard. The nerves were back.

"You told me that already" Cordelia whispered, a soft smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Yes, and it's the truth. I—I don't want you to think that I kissed you, and lied about having a girlfriend. That's not me. I'm not that person." His eyes remained sharp, unwavering. He meant it. And he wanted her to know that. But it didn't stop his voice from trembling as he stumbled over his words.

"Okay" she nodded. She was almost enjoying how flustered he was again. "I appreciate you telling me but—I mean, it's none of my business."

"I think it is" Bucky interrupted.

"Oh?" Cordelia was taken aback. His voice was sharper now. Decided. Certain. Like he was actually going somewhere with the adorable rambling this time.

"You kissed me back" 

Cordelia put her shoes down before turning back towards him fully. She leaned into the passenger seat. Her legs curled up beneath her.  

This conversation could very well take a while.

"I did" She whispered.

"Why?"

"I shouldn't have" She decided it was best to lightly.

"Why not?" Bucky charged, determined to get an answer.

"Bucky..." Cordelia sighed, tucking her hair behind her ears as she took a deep breath. "you're...young and—"

"I'm not a child" Bucky interrupted.

"I didn't say you were" Her voice was soft.

"It sounds like you're saying I'm a child" He argued.

"I'm not" She whispered, shaking her head gently. 

"Then what are you saying?" Bucky leaned a bit closer. His eyes looked so blue, even in the dark. The faint light from outside casting  itself softly against his face.

"I'm saying...I don't want to waste a minute of your time" Cordelia wasn't sure how she could explain this. She knew what she was like at 21. She knew everything, and everyone else was wrong.

"Why would it be a waste of anything?" Bucky pressed.

"Because things can get very complicated. And there are...boundaries. And—and I'm older than you. And I should know better." She explained calmly, watching his eyes dance over her face. Either he was listening to every word, or not a single one.

"Who cares?" Bucky shrugged.

"We all care. At some point. You'll care too. Even if you don't think so now" She smiled, resting her head against the seat, looking at him with the kind of patience he wasn't sure he deserved.

The shadow from the windshield was painting raindrops over her face, over her chest. She looked like something almost mythical sitting across from him in the dim light. It was making his core twist. 

Bucky took a deep breath, letting the exhale signal at the frustration bubbling beneath his skin.

"I really wanna kiss you" He finally managed, swallowing hard.

"Is that why you drove me home? So that you could kiss me?" She whispered. Her eyes held all the mischief she couldn't suppress. All the wanting she couldn't hide. A soft smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

"I–no. I don't know. I just—I like talking to you" He sighed. "I feel like you get it." He shrugged.

"Bucky..." She whispered.

"Cordelia..." He mimicked.

She laughed, looking away from him. She had to. Or she'd be lost and it would be over. It would all be over.

"I like it better, by the way. Than Delia." He shrugged, sounding confident again.

"I do too" She didn't smile, but the arch in her brow softened.

There was just the sound of their breathing, the rain, and the wiper blades scraping against the windshield. Cordelia could see the line. It was right there. Sharp. Clear. And she was about to step over it. 

"Do you wanna come insid—" She whispered.

"Yes." Bucky blurted out before she could even finish.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The walk from the driveway was long, and the rain was unforgiving. Bucky stumbled up the steps, his shoes wet and the wood slippery. He could hear Cordelia squeal at the sudden noise of him almost falling. They were both laughing by the time she managed to open the front door. They collapsed through it, looking for a quick escape from the rain. 

Slightly stumbling over each other. Hands and arms a bit tangled as they rushed through the open door. Clothes wet and sticking to their skin.

Cordelia gripped his shoulder, balancing herself as she stepped out of one heel and then the other. Bucky liked how she shrunk down to his chest again, looking up at him even more as she mumbled a soft 'thanks'.

"Do you want something dry? I should have something that fits you" Their wet clothes leaving puddles on the hardwood floor.

"Sure" he managed, running a hand through his wet hair.

Cordelia scurried up the stairs. They creaked loudly beneath her feet, and suddenly the whirl of blue silk that trailed after her shifted out of sight.

The house was dimly lit. Only a few smaller lights fighting to brighten the space. The rain was loud as it hit the roof and shook the windows.

Bucky walked around the open room.

The couch where they'd talked last night.

The stack of notebooks spread over the coffee table.

The box of folders and photos scattered around the living room floor.

"Sorry about the mess" She chuckled nervously. He hadn't heard her come down the stairs again.

"This is all your research?" He asked curiously, picking up one of the photos. It was of the old coal tower by the train station.

"Most of it" She sighed. "I'm trying to organize everything. It's taking me forever. Here." She handed him a stack of neatly folded clothes.

A sweat shirt.

Sweatpants.

And some socks.

"Thanks" Bucky smiled and placed them on the couch. His fingers worked the bowtie, ripping it off. Followed by the black vest. He folded it neatly and put it down.

"There's a bathroom—" Cordelia blurted out, her eyes widening slightly as Bucky began working on the buttons to his shirt.

"No need. I'll be quick." He shrugged. His eyes locked on hers as his hands moved further down. Cordelia swallowed hard.

She knew there was no point in hiding where her eyes lingered. How they followed along every inch of slowly exposed skin. Button by button. His chest. His stomach. The faint happy trail stretching from beneath his belly button to somewhere unseen behind the clasp of his pants.

Bucky enjoyed it.

Enjoyed finally stumping her, the way she continuously stumped him without even trying.

Cordelia knew she was in trouble.

Her shoulders tensed as she turned, hands on her hips. She tried to make a point of refusing to look at him.

"I can—uh...I can put that in the dryer for you" She cleared her throat, keeping her eyes down as she heard him working on his belt.

"Thanks. Almost done." He muttered.

She closed her eyes, running a hand over her face. Her heart was beating with the force of a hammer in her chest. She'd struggled hard enough trying to forget how the muscles in his back moved beneath his skin. That morning in his kitchen had become the bane of her existence. Playing over and over again in her mind. His broad shoulders and the defined lines down his stomach. The tone of his arms and the sharp lines along his hips, pointing right down to his—

"Here" He sounded almost smug. Like he was proud of himself. Like he knew exactly what he was doing.

"It fits?" She trailed her eyes over him quickly.

"A little short, but yeah." He smiled, tugging at the sleeves of the sweat shirt.

She smiled back at him, disappearing behind one of the many walls again.

Bucky wandered the bottom floor curiously. He could hear the dryer rumbling in the distance, and her footsteps against the floor. It creaked everywhere. Privacy must have been an absolute non-existent concept in this house.

He slipped through one of the doors at the far end of the room. The windows in here were rounded at the top, and tall. Reaching almost all the way to the ceilings. He carefully stepped over to what looked like the outline of a desk in the darkness.

One quick tug at the light switch bathed the room in the glory it deserved. Papers, and books, and folders, and maps. And photographs. Even more photographs. Built-in shelves along the walls, standing at least seven feet tall. Encapsulating the room.

This was the library.

He could feel a soft huff leaving his lips as surprise caught him.

He'd kill for a place like this. Even the fireplace was a nice touch. Large and handcarved. Dark Oak.

"You like it?" He heard Cordelia's voice. Soft with that rasp that made his skin tingle.

"Are you kidding? If I had this in my house, I'd never fucking leave" He dragged his finger along the spines of the books.

It was all organized, like a real library. It must've taken forever.

"There's like..well over a thousand books in total. Some days I have to force myself to resist the urge to lock the door and rot away in here" Cordelia chuckled, walking closer. "Which reminds me..." She whispered.

Bucky watched her pull out a book from one of the stacks on the floor.

"It's not my top pick, but it's the only one in here" She shrugged, holding out the book to him.

"Pride and Prejudice?" Bucky huffed. "I've read this be—" he took the book from her.

"Let me guess, in seventh grade? Doesn't count" She teased, her eyes bright.

"Fine. I'll read it again. Only because you asked" He whispered, his eyes trailing along her shoulders. The waves in her hair clumped together from the rain, and the slight sheen across her damp skin.

Bucky hadn't noticed until now how fast his heart was beating. His eyes trailed over the top she wore. Stretched tightly over her full chest. The faintest hint of her pink nipples beneath the white fabric. He bit back a sigh.

 Apparently, two could play at this game.

His tongue moved across his bottom lip, his eyes landing on hers. He could feel Cordelia's hand move along the hem of his sleeve, her fingers sliding in beneath. Soft. Gentle. The gesture was almost innocent. A hesitant invitation.

Her eyelids flickered as she looked up at him, and he could see how her chest rose and fell. Heavy. So much breath.

The air between them felt charged. He could almost hear it buzzing. Cordelia's fingers were still brushing against the inside of his wrist.

He was holding his breath. Waiting. Waiting for her to let him.

God he just wanted her to let him.

It came as a breath. A soft gust of need. Her lips slightly parted. Her eyes large and glimmering as she took one more step towards him.

It was enough to tip him over.

Bucky collapsed onto her lips, pulling her closer.

Cordelia felt herself coming apart. Letting his hand move along the small of her back. The other one finding her face, resting gently at her jaw.

Giving him the freedom to explore. To map the shape of her. Slowly. Meticulously.

He was hesitant. Nervous. Until he wasn't.

Until he pressed her against the edge of the desk. Making them both stumble.

Suddenly it was frantic. Like they were running out of time before they'd even started.

It was a mixture of teeth and tongue. Clashing. Grasping. Desperate for each other.

"...the bonfire—" Cordelia managed between his attempts at devouring her.

"Fuck the bonfire." He muttered, pressing her closer to his body.

He wanted to feel her.

All of her.

All at once.

Cordelia could feel herself giving in. Slipping further and further away from responsibility.

The responsible thing would have been to not let him kiss her again. To not invite him inside. To not let him drive her home.

But every inch of her skin was buzzing. Each time his soft lips brushed against hers again, she slipped further away from the reality of it all. She wanted to experience every second of this. Of him. And if she was going to feel guilty about something–it was going to be every aching, pulsing, burning, frustratingly throbbing second of this. 

Cordelia's hands cupped his face, pulling back softly and finding his eyes.

"Bucky...this is a bad idea—" Her voice was gentle, her thumbs stroking carefully along his cheeks.

"No. No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't think about it. Just–just let me. Just—" He breathed, his blood pumping in every vein of his body.

Bucky's chest was heaving. His cock already straining against his underwear.

"We shouldn't. We really, really shouldn't" Cordelia whispered. But she couldn't let go of him. Didn't want to let go him.

"Okay. Okay, just—tell me to go. I'll go." His chest felt like a volcano. Like the core of the earth had cracked open inside of him.

Cordelia swallowed, her eyes fluttering closed as she considered.

There was what she wanted. And there was what was right.

And unlucky for her, they were not the same thing. Not even close.

"Cordelia..." Bucky almost groaned. His voice impatient. He felt like he was in free fall. Like he might hit the ground at any second. He needed to know if he should pull the parachute now. Or crash.

"I know. I know. I know. Okay. Okay. Listen." Her breaths were shallow, her mind racing. It was hard to think with him standing right there. With his hands around her waist. His mouth so close to hers. The scent of his skin. The look in his eyes.

"This can't happen more than once. Do you understand? We get one time. Okay?" She looked up at him, her lashes fluttering as she tried not to let her gaze wander to his lips. One time. She'd allow herself one moment of weakness.

"Okay. Just once" His eyebrows knitted together. He'd rather have her once than not at all. His lips brushed over hers.

"But I want all night. If It's only one time. I want all night." He whispered, his thumb brushing over her mouth. Her lips soft and kiss stained.

"Okay" She whispered, her hand trailing along the back of his neck, moving into his hair. He couldn't focus. Not with the way she was touching him. Not with her breath on his jaw. The shiver running down his spine only made him harder.

"Okay" He echoed, his breathing shallow.

"We have all night. All night to do whatever we want." She whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw. "You don't have to rush" Her lips brushed against his as she took charge, guiding him through it.

She kissed him softly. Her tongue slipped gently over his, opening her mouth for him. She was inviting him in, little by little. Moving his hands along her body, bringing them to her hips. Pressing herself closer. Her body rolled against his like a wave. He could feel the ends of her hair brushing against his forearm where he'd wrapped it behind her waist.

Cordelia smiled into the kiss. Intrigued and surprised by how well he was doing. He really was, a very good kisser. Especially when reminded to take it slow. 

Chapter Text

Bucky wasn't sure how they'd made it up the stairs. Especially since he didn't remember taking his mouth off of her.

Or his hands.

They'd walked, and stumbled, and she'd let out a breathy chuckle against his lips. And he'd paced himself. Over and over, he'd repeated to himself to take his time. To go slow.

The ceiling was low in the bedroom. The windows square, and covered with yellow curtains. The bed was large. The headboard massive.

The floorboards creaked beneath their feet as Cordelia pulled him further inside. Closer to her bed.

Her fucking bed. He was about to be in it. Or on it. Or whatever.

The fireplace in here was even bigger than the one in the library. He caught a quick glimpse of candles, and a vase of fresh flowers resting on top. There was even one of those thick and fluffy fur rugs splayed out in front of it. Very classic.

Her bedroom was completely dark, except for the distant moonlight that pressed its way in through the little spaces between the curtains.

She pushed him backwards towards the bed. Slowly. Step by step. He could feel the side of the mattress hit behind his knees, and the soft push against his shoulders as she sat him down.

The rain had turned even more forceful. It was whipping against the window and the distant rumble of thunder was rolling over the house.

Bucky wanted to speak.

To say something.

But he was afraid that he'd ruin the moment. Or even worse, that he would somehow wake up.

That this was all a dream.

The thunder crackled outside, shaking the house as lighting slashed across her face. She was fucking beautiful.

Cordelia slid onto his lap, straddling him as she kissed him again. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his hands, except that he wanted to touch her. Everywhere, at once.

And kiss her.

He wanted every inch of her skin against his mouth. He wanted to taste everything.

Her mouth kept moving against his, biting softly at his bottom lip before she brushed her tongue over his again. Her lips were so soft as they pressed against his. Over and over.

Bucky let her push him down on the bed. His back pressed to the mattress as she followed. He could feel her warm skin and the weight of her body pressing against his. Her chest on his.

Cordelia rolled her hips, smiling to herself at Bucky's inability to stop the soft tremble in his voice as she pushed against his cock. She could feel how hard he was already.

His temples were buzzing. He felt like he was drunk, even though he hadn't had a drop of that champagne at the museum. His skin was on fire.

She pulled back, watching him. She brushed her thumb along his bottom lip, like she was taking in the look on his face. Memorizing it.

She dove down again, letting their mouths play as Bucky found the courage to move his hands along her body.

He brushed along her hips. Curving his hands against the shape of her full ass.

He'd spent so many days just watching.

Watching how her hips swayed when she walked. Listened to the sound of her thighs rubbing together. Pictured how all that fullness in her figure would feel in his hands. The reality of it was better than anything he could've imagined in his little instances of daydreaming.

It was everything he'd expected and more. The smell of her skin. Flowery and sweet. Like honeysuckle. Her damp hair sticking to him. Her body pressed so tightly against his. The warmth from her core pressing against his throbbing cock.

"What do you want?" Cordelia whispered, her soft and full lips trailing along the sharp line of his jaw. She could feel his heart against her own. How his breath was shaking. It was fucking adorable.

"You. I want you" His voice strained and breathy in his throat.

Cordelia smiled down at him, her hand resting against his chest.

"You're sure?" She mumbled, running her tongue up the side of his throat. Bucky's breath hitched. The muscles in his stomach almost cramped as he tried to hold back a moan. His toes curling and his cock pulsing hard.

"Yes. Yes, I'm sure" He managed, his voice strained as it almost wheezed out of his throat. He'd never felt this close to coming without even having his clothes off.

"Tell me again?" She asked, her large eyes locked on his as her hands worked on the string to his pants.

"I'm sure. I'm sure. rea—really sure." He insisted, trying his hardest not to grin too hard when she looked at him again.

"Bucky..." Her lips brushed against his. His name felt like a breath against his own mouth.

"yes?" He managed.

"Take my clothes off" She smiled, sitting up slowly as she rolled her hips on his lap. Bucky's hand trailed along her waist, moving down and tucking his fingers beneath the band of her shirt. Her skin was soft. Tanned and slightly sticky from the rain. Or the heat. He wasn't sure.

He moved slowly as he tugged it over her head, watching the moonlight bathe her skin.

He was in complete awe, running his hands along her body. Cordelia watched him, her eyes soft as he brushed over her round, full chest.

She loved watching him explore. Discover.

He leaned closer. His arms wrapped around her waist, moving along her back as his mouth wandered over her body. His tongue felt soft and warm as it pressed and circled against her skin.

Cordelia tangled her fingers into his hair, rolling her hips against him again. Coaxing a soft moan from his mouth. She felt it vibrate against her skin.

Bucky's tongue curled around her nipple, feeling how it grew stiff in his mouth as she let out a soft gasp.

His cock jumped at the sound she made.

His hands gripped her waist tightly before flipping them over, pressing her down against the mattress.

It made her giggle. She liked the feeling of being tossed around. His strong arms wrapped around her. His weight pressed onto her. It was nice.

But she wanted to feel his skin.

It didn't take long for her to help him out of his clothes. Pulling him down, the warmth of his body pressed against her own.

Cordelia's hand wandered, kissing him as she looked for the girth between his legs.

He was warm. Hard. And practically dripping into her hand already. She gently wrapped it around his cock, feeling him pulse in her grip before she began stroking him.

Up and down.

Slow.

Torturously slow.

Bucky was fighting to not let his eyes roll into the back of his head.

Cordelia slipped her thumb over the head, feeling the moisture already pooled in that soft line running down the middle of the tip. She swirled it around, feeling how sticky and warm it was.

Bucky's entire body jolted. He bit the inside of his cheek to stop the groan from escaping him.

His mind was swimming, his skin burning and every limb tightened as she continued to touch him. Just toying with him. Her eyes wandered over his face, wanting to see exactly what it was doing to him.

"c-cordelia—" Bucky whispered. It made her smile.

She pressed her mouth to his again, moaning into it softly as she clenched her first tighter around his cock. She liked the way he said her name.

"I wanna make you come" He breathed, his lips brushing against hers.

Cordelia looked up at him through her lashes, her chest growing warm and her skin tingly at his words.

"I really, really, need to make you come" He whispered. "Tell me what you want. Tell me how to make it feel good". He could feel his body shaking from holding it all back. The urge of it all growing like heat in his belly. He wanted to be good at this. Good enough for her.

Maybe it was the pressure of knowing she'd been with someone more experienced. Someone who had known her body better than he did.

Or maybe it was the thought of her knowing exactly what she liked, and the possibility of falling short of her expectations.

Either way, he wanted to see her enjoy herself.

Wanted to hear her enjoy herself.

He wanted to prove a point. That she would never regret choosing this moment, with him.

He wanted to impress her.

"Do you wanna use your mouth? It's okay if you don't" She whispered, her hands moving along his back. Up his shoulders. Pressing him closer.

Bucky nodded. Quickly. Intensely. Assuringly.

"Okay" She smiled, kissing him again. She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him closer.

Bucky felt like he could come right then and there. Like if he didn't fight with every cell in his body, he'd burst.

He felt her dainty and soft fingers around his wrist, guiding him slowly between her legs.

His breath caught in his throat as his fingers slipped over her folds. Cordelia spread her legs wider, her eyes still locked on his as he realized how wet she was. 

Sloppy. Gushing. Just for him.

Bucky groaned against her mouth. Her core was silky and full of heat. His fingers slid against her folds, finding the soft button that was her clit.

"Slow" She whispered, and he listened.

Bucky rolled his fingers in small circles, watching her give an approving nod. Her breathing became more shallow. The soft gasps leaving her brushed against his own mouth. The head of his cock leaking so much he could feel himself dripping.

He fucking loved the sounds she made. Soft and quiet and so fucking needy.

"Keep doing that. It feels really good" She reassured. Bucky liked the guidance. Liked the confidence it gave him. And he definitely liked the outcome.

She was moaning beneath him. Something he'd only been able to conjure up while stroking himself in his room with the door locked.

He wanted to kiss her everywhere. Every inch. Every part.

He pressed his mouth against her throat, moving down. Kissing, and kissing, and kissing.

His tongue discovering and exploring.

He slid down, pushing his hips into the mattress as he settled between her legs. Cordelia pulled her knees back, leaning back on her elbows as looked down at him. Watching how he brushed his thumb over her clit. Circling it gently.

Bucky pressed his mouth against the inside of her thigh, looking up at her for reassurance while he continued to circle her clit. 

Slow. Just like she'd said.

He was eager. Too eager. Pushing himself forward to get a taste.

Cordelia's hand pressed against his shoulder.

"Wait—not yet" She breathed softly, biting down on her lip.

Bucky trailed his mouth along her folds instead. Taking his time. Teasing. Licking. Biting gently.

"mhmm...that's good" She mumbled, her head tilting to the side a bit. Her eyelashes fluttered as she watched him. Bucky listened to her breathing, to the soft little sounds she made. Memorizing all of it.

When he kissed his way closer to the center this time, he stopped. His eyes finding hers. Waiting for her to let him.

Let him taste her.

She smiled, giving a soft nod and rolling her hips forward to make contact with his mouth.

Bucky's lips crashed onto her clit.

It was the sweetest fucking thing he'd ever tasted.

Her.

Her body jolted as a soft wince left her. It felt fucking electric.

Bucky had done this before. First with Lisa. Then with other girls, on occasion. Drunk, high, sometimes sober. But it never felt like this. Like every nerve in his body was on fire. His cock pulsing just at the taste of her.

Cordelia let out a soft moan, reveling in how sensitive her clit felt against his warm tongue. Her toes curled as she grinded herself against his mouth.

And he let her. He was taking it all so much better than she had anticipated.

She'd thought he'd be more clumsy. More insecure. Less interested in her, and more interested in himself. In getting what he wanted.

But he was so willing. So eager. So intuitive.

"Kiss it" She whispered. It was quick. And quiet. And he might've missed it if he wasn't so focused on listening to every sound coming out of her.

He pressed soft kisses against her clit. Again and again. Listening to how her voice trembled.

"Your tongue. I want your tongue" She mumbled, her legs shaking as he lapped at her. Making her drip into his mouth. 

Bucky didn't stop. He wanted all of it. His tongue swirling softly against her swollen clit.

"t-take your—your fingers" Her voice was strained, almost like she couldn't focus on her words. Her hips rolling to the rhythm of his mouth.

Bucky jumped at her request, his eyes still locked on how her eyebrows were knitted together. A soft pout on her mouth as she watched him leaned back on her elbows.

He swirled his fingers against her entrance softly, gathering her arousal before pressing into her.

Cordelia's body jolted.

"Slow. okay? Go slow" She whispered. Reminding him again. He was so eager to please. So good at it, when told how.

Bucky nodded, his tongue still circling her clit. He fucking loved watching her. He loved even more when she told him what to do. He pushed his fingers in slowly, his entire body tensing up at the sigh of ecstasy that left her.

"yeah...keep them like that. I wanna—I just wanna stretch around you—fuck" She was starting to ramble. Almost like how he sounded when he was nervous.

"n-now curl them. Like this" She gestured, curling her fingers inwards. "And pull back, until you feel it s-stop—yeah. Right there" Cordelia was squirming. Her toes curled and her eyes fighting to stay open.

Bucky pressed his fingers against the soft, spongy spot inside of her. Everything felt wet. Everything tasted like bliss. He closed his eyes, letting it take him.

"You feel that?" She asked, a smile on her mouth as she bit down on her lip. Bucky nodded obediently, curling his fingers even more.

"Keep doing that" Cordelia managed before collapsing against the mattress. Her hands running through his hair. Tugging at him. Scraping her nails against his scalp.

"Good. Good. Keep going. Please, don't stop" He could hear her breathing quickening.

Bucky's cock was so hard he was terrified he'd burst. He pressed his hips into the mattress. Trying to chase the feeling of that tight warmth. He clamped his lips down on her clit, sucking on it gently.

Cordelia arched her back. The sounds leaving her were almost primal. Guttural, as he kept his steady pace. Watching her.

He was doing this. He was making her feel like this. It was ridiculous how it made his cock pulse.

"Bucky—" She managed, her voice clipped and sharp. Pitched and needy.

He was in fucking heaven. This is exactly what he'd been chasing. Her moaning his name as he made her completely unravel.

Cordelia was dripping down his chin and onto the sheets. He could feel her arousal pooling into his palm. Warm and sticky.

Her legs began to shake, the words leaving her were intelligible. All he understood was that he shouldn't stop.

And then she exploded into his mouth.

Pure euphoria washed over her as she kept grinding herself against his tongue.

All Bucky could do was groan. Everything was contracting, and he could feel how she squeezed around his fingers.

And so wet. Everything became so fucking wet. So slippery.

It was mere seconds, but it felt like minutes. Hours even, as he coaxed her through her orgasm.

Eventually, Cordelia's body softened. Her grip on his hair loosened and she was no longer curling in on herself.

Her breathing slowed as she ran her hands over her face.

Bucky pressed soft kisses to her clit, watching her twitch. A soft wince leaving her.

He stroked his hand along her body, resting his head against the inside of her thigh, his eyes finding hers.

"Does it hurt?" He asked, his voice a bit nervous again as he carefully circled his finger around her pulsing clit, brushing against her wet folds.

"No" She breathed heavily, her eyes still finding focus. "Just really sensitive" She chuckled.

Bucky sat back on his knees, tugging at his hard cock. Cordelia could see how shiny the head was, dripping even more now with his arousal. It was clear he'd enjoyed every second of it.

She was impressed he'd managed not to come yet.

Cordelia gripped his arm, pulling him back onto her body.

She ran her tongue along his, kissing him. Tasting what he'd just finished tasting.

It made his limbs shaky.

She smeared his arousal over the sensitive tip of his cock, torturing him as she blinked up at him through heavy eyelids. The gesture looked so innocent.

It was driving him fucking insane.

"If I put you in my mouth, do you think you'll come right away?" She asked gently, hoping it wouldn't embarrass him.

Bucky hesitated to answer at first, swallowing hard.

Then he nodded.

"Okay." She pressed a soft kiss to his lips, locking her legs around him and turning them over. She straddled him carefully, her mouth moving onto his again as she pressed her sloppy wet folds against his hardened length. Cordelia rolled her hips back and forth, sliding her sensitive clit over the leaking head of his cock. The breath caught in his throat, his fingers digging into her supple and full hips. Barely able to muster any words, only sounds of urgency.

"I'm gonna go really slow, okay?" She bit down on her lip, eyes sparkling as she looked down at him.

Bucky felt almost scared. He didn't want to come yet. Didn't want to disappoint her when he'd made it this far.

But he nodded, taking a deep breath.

She slid the tip of him against her entrance. He could feel the warmth radiating from inside of her. Where his mouth had just been snuggly pressed.

"oh—fuck.fuck.fuck.fuc—" He managed, embarrassed and tense.
"It's okay. Just relax. We have all night, remember?" She placed a grip below his jaw. Her lips brushed against his as she began to slide down on his cock.

Bucky was unable to stop the groan that left him, and Cordelia swallowed his cries. She could feel his voice vibrating into her mouth. 

She moaned back. Encouraging him. Reassuring him.

She could feel herself stretch around him, chasing the feeling of how he was filling her out. He was so big and hard between her legs. She couldn't help but drip all over him.

Bucky felt like it was the first time he'd ever fucked. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced before. Nothing with Lisa had ever felt like this. Not even when he was drunk, or high, and had fucked vigorously all night in his dorm, had it come close to this.

Cordelia sank down on him fully, pulling away from his lips. She wanted to hear him now. Her gaze locked on his face. His eyes filled with overwhelming pleasure.

"Good. You're doing really good" She reassured him. Her voice was soft. Bucky felt safe. Engulfed in her. Drunk.

"How do you feel?" She whispered, biting back a smile. The slight curve of him angled just right with her sweet spot. She could mask the pleasure with her steady voice, but she was aching to bounce up and down on him until everything was a slippery fucking mess.

All Bucky could muster was a nod before looking down at where they were connected. Her moisture had already started gathering at the base of his cock.

"I'll keep going slow, okay? Don't worry" She reassured him again, moving her hips up. He could see how she was leaving him glistening.

The pressure was building inside of him, bordering on unbearable.

He closed his eyes, his hands on her hips, his body stiff with fear of giving in.

"Bucky" She whispered. "Look at me".

He opened his eyes again. The moonlight shining in through the window was painting her with its silver rays. She looked like a fucking goddess.

"It's okay. You can touch me. I wanna feel your hands on me" She moaned.

Cordelia rolled her shoulders back, balancing her hands on his thighs as she continued to fuck him.

Bucky watched her tits bounce. Her hips circling. Reveling in the squelching sound of his cock moving inside of her. In the sounds she made.

He let his hands wander. Stroking the curve of her hips and waist. Reaching for her chest. Feeling how it bounced in his hands. His entire body felt sensitive now. Just like the tip of his cock.

Bucky sat up, sinking further inside of her as he straightened his back. His mouth dragging over her skin. Rolling her stiff nipple between his lips and tongue.

Cordelia wrapped her arms over his broad shoulders, pressing his head closer to her chest.

"You feel so fucking good" He mumbled, his hands holding onto her hips as she rolled them in his lap. Making his cock hit every single spot that made her drip.

"Fuck—you're so deep. So fucking deep. I can feel all of you—" Her voice trembled against his mouth. "You're gonna make me come again" She whispered.

"Yes. Yes. Please. Again." Bucky groaned. The thought of making her come one more time made him focus. It made him almost forget how close he was. He wanted to feel her flutter around his cock the way she had around his fingers. Fell her squeezing tightly and pulling him deeper. Emptying him.

"You're so fucking beautiful. Fuck. You're so—" He groaned, his voice breathy. Cordelia's fingers found their way into his mouth. She liked the feeling of his tongue swirling around them, before she pushed her mouth back onto his. Making him swallow her cries.

She came without warning.

Without telling him it was going to happen.

All he could feel was her body shake against his. His arms wrapped around her tightly, moving down to her plump ass. He squeezed hard as she trembled in his arms. Forcing her closer. Deeper. Further.

Her voice vibrated against his mouth, her breathy cries warm as she gushed all over his cock.

He was so close now.

So close it was starting to feel painful.

"shit. shit. shit." He muttered. "Fuck, I'm—" He was unable to form a single coherent word to follow.

Everything felt like it was about to tip.

About to spill over.

Like he was falling through the air after stepping off a skyscraper.

"Let me taste you. Please, I wanna taste you." Her lips brushed against his, her voice calm.

Bucky managed a nod, no words leaving him. His eyebrows knitted and fingers digging into her skin. Heat was beginning to wash over him like water. The corners of his vision beginning to blur.

Cordelia slipped off of him, and before he knew it her mouth was wrapped around his cock. Her tongue swirling against its head, vibrations from deep in her throat making his heart hammer. He could feel it in his fucking bloodstream.

Bucky spilled into the back of her throat, coating it with the warmth from his climax.

His toes curled. His fingers gripping the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. His mouth fell open, but there was no sound. Just a sharp gasp as every muscle in his body contracted. His hand tangled into her hair as his hips thrusted forward. His legs cramping before his head jolted back, slamming hard against the headboard.

There was too much adrenaline.

Too much bliss, to feel any pain.

Cordelia swallowed it all. Her tongue lapping up every drop. Her cheeks hollowed as she slipped her mouth off of him.

Bucky's eyes were wide. This was the closest to a state of pure shock he'd ever been in.

Everything felt cold. A chill running through his body.

His limbs weak.

His blood rushing in his ears.

He couldn't breathe properly.

Cordelia crawled up towards him. The soft light from outside shining against her messy hair. She pressed her mouth to his lips, her tongue dancing against his.

He could taste them both.

Her sweet arousal mixed with his salty climax.

He actually liked it. 

It felt like a secret. Like something that was reserved only for the two of them. Together.

Bucky's hand trembled as he tried to find her face. Tried to hold it still against his own. He wasn't sure if he was dizzy from coming so hard, or from hitting his head against the sturdy oak headboard.

Cordelia smiled, just as out of breath as he was. She pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

"You okay?" She giggled.

Bucky tried to swallow, his mouth dry.

"I think—" He struggled through labored breathing, and the ringing in his ears.

Cordelia looked at him curiously, her lips still drawn in a proud smile.

"I think you just ruined my fucking life" He managed, his eyebrows knitted together as he laughed. Every part of his body still buzzing and sensitive.

"you'll live" Cordelia whispered.

Chapter Text

The rain hadn't stopped.

Bucky could hear the light pattering of the drops against the window. He could hear Cordelia too. Her soft breathing and the way it sounded when she moved beneath the covers. The warmth of it all was pulling him back into blissful sleep. He couldn't have pried his eyes open even if he wanted to.

He wished that he could somehow freeze this moment. This feeling.

Bucky could probably count on one hand how many moments in his life where he'd felt peace. Pure tranquility. There weren't many of them.

But this was one.

The warmth of Cordelia's body and her soft skin pressed against his own made his core tingle.

He wasn't sure how they'd gotten any sleep between all that touching, and kissing, and exploring.

All that fucking.

Over and over.

His limbs still felt heavy from coming so many times. His body was exhausted.

He let his hand carefully play in Cordelia's hair. It was no longer wet. Just a large mess of soft brown waves. He pressed her closer, his lips finding the top of her head. He breathed in her scent. It was everywhere. He was swimming in it. In her sheets, on her skin, on his skin.

She stretched herself over him, her arm draped over his chest and her leg moving over his hips.

Bucky let out a small yawn as he felt her lips pressing against his collarbone.

"Good morning" She whispered, her mouth moving further down. His skin tasted like the night they'd shared. Salty and sweet. He smelled of her sheets and the bit of rainwater that had dried in his hair.

He knew what waking up meant. It meant he had to leave. It meant returning to a reality where what they'd done last night was a mistake. A result of shaky impulses and a lapse in judgement.

They'd had an entire night of pretending this wouldn't mean anything the next morning. But morning was here now. And Bucky clawed at every second left before he had to leave this bed and go back to his own. One where he couldn't feel every breath she drew against his skin. Where he couldn't hear the sound of her moving against the sheets. Where he couldn't taste the remains of her shaking, collapsing, unraveling pleasure on his tongue.

"No." Bucky managed a soft groan, his eyes squinting closed against the soft yellow hues spilling in through her curtains.

Cordelia chuckled, moving closer to him beneath the sheets. Her lips finding his skin.

"Don't be greedy. It's not very becoming of you." She whispered, her words warm against his chest.

"I am greedy" Bucky teased, wrapping his arms around her. He refused to participate in any guilt. He didn't feel guilty. He felt amazing.

Cordelia chuckled, letting him draw her closer. Letting him press his face into the crook of her neck. His arms heavy around her body.

The room was silent. The sound of their breaths mixing with the distant chirping of a lone bird. He opened his eyes slowly, looking down at where she was pressed to his body.

"Technically–" Bucky whispered.

"Don't" Cordelia giggled.

"–it's not over until I actually leave" He smiled down at her.

"You should leave," Cordelia whispered, blinking up at him. Like that didn't make it fucking impossible.

"Do you want me to?" He brushed his hand over her hair.

"I think you should" Her gaze was unwavering against his.

"That's not what I asked," Bucky smiled.

Cordelia's eyes were steady. She didn't pull back. Didn't look away.

Bucky had thought up until now, that she couldn't look more beautiful

But he'd been wrong. So fucking wrong.

The morning light against her face made her look ethereal. Her brown eyes soft and still slightly sleepy.

She moved quietly. Carefully. Her hand pressed against his chest, pushing him down against the mattress. Her lips trailed down the line in his stomach.
Cordelia slipped her tongue along his skin making his body twitch. Making his breath catch.

The feeling of her  tongue made his heart race.

He knew where she was going. Moving further and further down. There wasn't a shred of will in his body to stop her. All he wanted to do was watch.

She pressed a soft kiss to the tip of his cock.

Her large doe eyes staring up at him from beneath the blanket, her mischievous smile as she watched him trying to gather himself.

Bucky blinked hard, his lips slightly parted as he watched with awe how she worked her tongue along his hardening length.

He leaned on his elbows, his hair a tousled mess and his eyes still sleepy.

Watching as she sank her mouth down on him.

It was warm. And soft. And wet.

Bucky let out a harsh groan, his hips rolling forward, his leg twitching a bit. He didn't even notice the way his hands had dug into the sheets.

Cordelia moved slowly. Her tongue swirling around him as he grew harder in her mouth.

She loved the way he didn't hold back. How eager he was to show her exactly how much he enjoyed it.

It was refreshing.

It was probably out of his control.

But still, refreshing.

"f-fuck...wait–" he managed, his eyebrows knitted as she continued to slurp on him. Bucky could feel his sensitive tip sliding against the ridges along the roof of her mouth. It made his abs curl and he almost sat up.

" Cor– I'm—" he mumbled, his hand finding her hair. His fingers tangled into her waves, holding them back gently as she hollowed her cheeks, sucking on him while she gripped the base of his girth. Her hand and her tongue worked in an electrifying rhythm. His entire body was shaking. He could feel his muscles tensing.

Just the sight of her lips wrapped around him.

The way she swirled her tongue against the head before diving back down.

How her feet swayed playfully in the air behind her.

All of it was enough to drag him down the deep spiral of climax.

"...more" Bucky managed between shallow breaths, signaling for her to sink deeper. To take more of him.

Cordelia's eyes flickered up to his. Her soft moans vibrating against his throbbing cock as she swallowed him deeper.

Bucky's breath hitched, his hips angling forward.

"...m-more—fuck. More." He groaned, his hand tangling deeper into her hair. He didn't want to push. He just wanted to hold her as she sank further down on him. Wanted to be close to her.

She'd been right. He was greedy. He was so fucking greedy.

He could feel himself pressing against the back of her throat, her grip on his base tight as she gagged on him.

It made his toes curl. How he was filling her up. How she was drooling all over him.

"fuck, that's it—fuck" He bucked his hips, fucking into her mouth slowly.

Cordelia let her tongue dance around his most sensitive spot, moving her hand and mouth carefully.

She would push herself deeper, coaxing a shattering groan from his lips, and then pull away again.

He looked like he was in a trance.

Eyes locked on her. Hips pumping forward. His breathing erratic. His chest heaving.

She could feel his hand tightening against her hair.

She liked him even better like this.

Taking control.

Using her.

Showing her exactly what he wanted. And how he wanted it. And how fucking much he wanted it.

Bucky curled forward, his muscles tightening and his legs shaking.

Fingers scraping against her scalp as he spilled into her mouth. He could feel how her tongue gathered his sticky mess.

Cordelia could feel her own moisture pooling between her legs as he came into her mouth. Her clit sensitive and pulsing. Wanting nothing more than to fuck him until he forgot how to say his own name. Until she was dripping with him.

Bucky fell back against the mattress. His breathing heavy as he carefully let go of Cordelia's hair.

He had to blink a few times. Spots filling his vision.

"Holy sh—" He tried, but all he could muster were more heavy breaths.

Cordelia slowly crawled up, straddling him as she leaned over his chest, letting everything drip out from her mouth. He could feel it against his skin. Warm and wet as it splattered along his chest.

His body jolted, surprised at the gesture.

It was so bold that it almost made him hard again.

"oh no, look...you're all dirty." She teased, her eyes flashing with mischief.

Bucky wrapped his hand behind her neck, pressing her down against his chest.

"...so are you" He smiled before brushing his lips against hers, drinking up the soft giggles coming from her mouth.

"looks like we're gonna have to get in the shower...before you go" She whispered, feigning a pouty frown.

"Naked? And wet? With you? What a nightmare" He joked dryly, making her grin.

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Winnie wasn't quite sure what she was looking at. She'd heard Bucky's car pull up in the driveway. It had that distinct sound of an engine that had seen better days. She'd expected to see the same person she always saw when he walked through the door.

But he seemed different.

Bucky's hair had a look to it she hadn't seen in years. Strangely specific. Like it had been wet and dried in the summer air. It was fluffy and unruly. The way it would look when he was 14 and came back from having spent all day at the lake with his friends.

But that wasn't the only thing that was different about him.

"How was the bonfire?" Winnie asked casually, sipping her coffee.

"uhh–it was fine. Rainy. We didn't stay long. Crashed at Steve's" He shrugged, walking into the kitchen and giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before opening the fridge.

He smelled different.

Sweet and flowery.

She seriously doubted it was anything that could've been found at Steve's house.

"I put breakfast away. Pancakes. It's in the tupperware with the brown lid" She mumbled, watching him discreetly over her shoulder.

"Thanks Ma. You're the best" He managed with a mouth full of pancakes as he bit down on the next one.

Bucky chewed and washed it all down with a glass of orange juice, completely occupied with whatever he was thinking about to notice how hard he was smiling.

When he finally looked up, he caught his mother giggling at him.

"What?" He chuckled.

"Nothing" Winnie smiled, shrugging her shoulders. "Long night? You seem hungry" She took another sip of her coffee.

"Yeah—I mean, no. Not really, just..." Bucky stumbled over his words. He could feel his cheeks growing hot. All he could think about was Cordelia. It was hard to even lie. For a second it felt like his mother was seeing right through him.

"I gotta clean up and uh—" He mumbled, heading for the stairs in a slight panic.

"Dinner at home tonight! Do you hear me?" She shouted after him, barely hearing his muffled response.

Winnie knew when her kids were lying to her. She laughed to herself over his failed attempt at discretion.

And one thing was very clear about this scene. Nothing about spending the night at Steve's house could make her son grin like that.

Chapter Text

Lisa

Where are you?

Lisa

Is everything okay? Everyone is here. Where are you?

Lisa

Heeellloo??? Bucky? Call me. I'm worried.

Lisa

Why are you doing this? You said you'd come tonight. We agreed.

Lisa

I'm honestly not sure why I'm even texting you this, because I don't even think you care. But I think that it is time I truly step away from everything we've had and shared. I don't know what any of it meant to you, or if it ever meant anything. Because you're the expert of acting like nothing matters.  

I understand that you have moved on. And so have I. But you at least owe me the decency to stick to your word. I thought that I could trust you for at least that much. But it seems like I was wrong.

So I guess I'm just really putting it out there. I have moved on. I'm going to try things out with Peter. Because unlike you, he tells me how he feels and he CARES. He doesn't make promises he can't keep.

And I'm telling you this because I care about you Bucky...but I think you need help. Like actual help. I thought maybe you'd grow out of your restlessness and this aimless thing you have going on. But it's clear you haven't. And if you don't try to do anything about it now, you might never.

I have plans and goals that I want to accomplish. And I think it's time we stop beating around the bush. We're not good for each other. And I want more.

I wish you the best Bucky.

Have a nice life.

"Yikes. Kinda harsh." Steve winced, handing the phone back.

"Honestly...I'm fucking confused because I could've sworn we already had this conversation? When we broke up? Like..I don't even know how to respond to this." Bucky's eyebrows were knitted in confusion as he ran a hand through his hair.

"I mean...I think you kinda hurt her feelings when you didn't show up last night. Actually, I know you did. She was so mad that she got Wanda all riled up. And I spent the night alone. So thanks for that." Steve rolled his eyes.

"What is this, shit-on-Bucky-week?" he spat, chalking the top of his pool stick.

"No. But we should absolutely make that a thing. At this rate, you have a real chance at a national holiday." 

"Whatever, Rogers. Call it." Bucky shoved his friend playfully.

"right, uuuh– that one right there, top left corner" Steve closed one eye as he aimed.

They had been playing pool for the better part of the day in Steve's garage. It was so hot that the heat vibrated over the concrete in that strange way, making everything look slightly distorted. The old fan and the cold beers felt like a perfect alternative.

"Do you think I'll make it worse if I just don't respond?" Bucky mumbled, watching Steve's shot closely.

"Definitely asking the wrong guy" Steve scoffed and the balls clattered loudly against each other. "I say, just apologize" He shrugged.

"For what?" Bucky scoffed.

"I don't know. Girls like when you take responsibility. Just say you understand and you're sorry about last night."

Bucky took his shot, hitting two balls into the top right corner.

"Fine. You know what? I'll do it right now. I can take responsibility!" He took out his phone.

Bucky

I understand. I'm sorry I wasn't there last night.

I wish you the best too.

"This should be good, right?" Bucky flashed his screen to Steve.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. Apologetic. Straight to the point. Respectful and agreeing!" Steve smiled.

Bucky almost jumped at how quickly Lisa's name popped back up. He'd just barely hit the 'send' button. The phone vibrated aggressively in his palm and he could feel his heart beating a little faster as he opened her text.

Lisa

Seriously? That's all you have to say?

Never fucking talk to me again.

"What did she say?" Steve looked over at Bucky curiously, a hint of a proud smile on his face.

Bucky handed him the phone.

Steve's eyes grew wide as he read the words.

"What? I thought it was a good response! What does she mean?" Steve looked identical to a question mark. 

"Fuck if I know" Bucky sighed, hanging his head.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Bucky squinted his eyes, trying to force himself to take in the words. 

To focus. 

He'd get halfway through the page, and then his hand would start to tremble. Or his eyes would catch on something in the distance. Letting his mind race.

It was like hunger. Like a hollow pit in the depths of his core. Like something expanding inside of him. Taking up more and more space the longer he went.

It had been three days.

Three days since he'd laid there. In her bed. Their limbs tangled. His hand wandering along the curve of her back. His mouth pressed to her skin.

Three entire days, and he hadn't gone a minute without remembering.

Remembering the soft whimpers leaving her lips. Her rushed breaths and near intelligible words.

How she'd ran her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer to the warmth between her thighs. The taste of her.

He could still feel how slippery she was against his tongue. How she pulsed in his mouth. Her legs shaking. How she stretched around his fingers.

He took a deep breath, trying again.

Top of the page.
First word.

It felt like trying to learn how to read for the first time again. Each letter slowly forming in his mouth. Until they came out sounding like her name.

Bucky slammed the book closed, reaching for his phone.

The last three days he'd hoped that she would at least text.

But nothing.

There were a few other things he could do. Like getting himself off to the memory of that night. Like closing his eyes and replaying every second. Every desperate breath and urgent tear at each other's clothes.

Or.

Or he could just take the leap.

Be a man about it. Or whatever they say.

Bucky

Hey. You around?

He took a deep breath, locking the screen and picking his book up again. Staring at the page felt better than staring at the wall.

Cordelia.

I am. Why?

Bucky

I want to see you.

Cordelia

probably not a good idea.

Bucky

Probably not. Still want to.

Cordelia

We really shouldn't.

Bucky

I just want to talk. Promise. Hands in pockets the entire time.

Cordelia

Fine. Somewhere public.

Bucky

Sounds good to me. I'll let you pick.

Cordelia

Library?

Bucky

Perfect. See you in thirty?

Cordelia

Fifteen.

Bucky

On my way.

The library was quiet. There was a scatter of retirees, and mothers holding their babies in the kids section as they flipped through the picture books. Pointing to different animals and making whispering 'moo' sounds.

It wouldn't have been hard to find Cordelia, even if she didn't stick out everywhere in Millbrook. It was like he was always searching for her. His eyes drawn to her very presence.

Her hair was tied into a loose braid, swaying along her back as she browsed the history shelf. The strands around her face had come undone, refusing to stay tucked despite how many times she brushed them behind her ear.

Bucky approached slowly, hands in his pockets. As promised.

"Hi" She smiled, her gaze still on the books in front of her.

"Hi" He mumbled, leaning against the shelf. "Do you ever stop working?"

"No. Not really." She sighed, finally looking at him.

She looked well rested.

Her skin glowing.

Her eyes bright.

Maybe it was sleep. Maybe it was from moaning his name into his shoulder like it was the last word left in her mouth. At least he liked to think it was the latter.

He couldn't stop thinking about the way her face contorted when she was getting close to unraveling beneath him. How her lips parted as she begged for him to go faster. Harder. Her eyebrows pinching together as—

"So. I'm here." She shrugged, continuing to wander along the shelf.

"Yeah. I wasn't sure you'd actually show up." He wandered after her, keeping his distance. His eyes trailing down to the way her jeans hugged her body. That soft dip between her shoulders.

"Neither was I" She huffed, turning around the shelf and walking the other side.

"Looking for something?" He followed.

"No. Just trying to stay busy."

"Don't know how to be bored?" Bucky inched closer, hovering behind her.

"I think we both know nothing good comes of me being bored" She took a deep breath, trying to ignore the heat radiating from his body. The scent of his skin.

"I don't know...didn't seem like a boring night to me" Bucky chuckled to himself. Cordelia stopped. Turning around and looking up at him.

God, he wanted to fucking kiss her.

The sheer memory of her mouth against his made his body shiver.

"Bucky–" She looked up at him sternly.

"Cordelia" He smiled.

"I'm serious. This is not something we're gonna be doing."

"No?"

"No." She tried to turn away from him. Tried to walk the rest of the shelf, her eyes locked on the titles so she didn't have to look up at him. At his blue eyes. His soft smile.

But then she felt his hand.

Wrapped gently around her arm, pulling her back.

Cordelia's eyes jumped, meeting his. They were soft, but hungry. Searching for something in her she was trying so very hard to hide.

"Bucky. This is stupid. And reckless. And inappropriate, on at least five different levels" She whispered, her voice stern. Like she was trying to convince herself, more than him.

"Why?" Bucky didn't stutter. His eyes unwavering against hers. His hand still on her arm.

"I'm here for work. I'm supposed to be focusing on entirely different things instead of thinking about you—"

"You've been thinking about me?" He stopped her, his eyes brightening at the mere possibility.

"–I know your mother. She's—I like her. I've been in your house, we've— she's told me stories about you" Cordelia stumbled over her words. Her voice sharp.

"I bet she left out the good ones" He smirked.

"Don't do that" She sighed. "I have a reputation to protect. I'm supposed to be a professional. Your mother trusts me. She'll think I took advantage of you."

"I don't need her permission. I can decide things for myself. I decided what I wanted that night. There was no one taking advantage of anyone." He urged, his hand sliding down her arm, brushing over her wrist.

"You don't get it—" Cordelia scoffed, rolling her eyes. But she didn't pull away from him.

"I do. But you're smart enough to separate the two. I'm not just someone's kid. I'm my own person, too. And an adult." Bucky's voice was calm.

"I shouldn't separate the two. There should be no two." Cordelia whispered, looking up at him. Her eyes held restraint. But he could see the crack.

"You did the other night" He argued.

"That was a mistake"

"I don't think so. But we can make it again. Just to make sure." He smiled, seeing how her gaze softened. He almost had her. He knew her heart wasn't really in it. Denying herself something that had felt so fucking incredible.

"God, you're so—"

"Irresistible? Charming? Mature beyond my years?" Bucky smiled, leaning closer.

"Annoyingly persistent"

"You seem like you could use some annoying persistence in your life" he teased.

"Really?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. When's the last time someone was so persistent, they made you come five times in one night?" His eyes focused on her, seeing the flicker of surprise in her gaze as she tried to search for words. Any words. And she came up with nothing.

"Jesus–" She finally managed, turning away from him.

"Cordelia—" He followed.

"This is wrong" She stopped. Her voice was soft, a hesitant breath leaving her lips. Her body torturously close to his despite her unwillingness to let go of the edge she was gripping onto for dear life.

"Can't be. Not if it feels like that. And I know It's not just me." He urged.

Cordelia took a deep breath, rolling her eyes.

"I get it, you've worked hard to be respected. Your research, your reputation, your perfect adult choices–"

"perfect? I–" She huffed.

"But don't you want to just not think for a second? Don't you want to just do something stupid because it feels good? Just once, without apology—" Bucky's hand wandered along her shoulder, his hand finding the stray pieces of hair that came out of her braid.

"Bucky. Real life doesn't revolve around being allowed things just because they feel good" She whispered, unable to stop herself from melting into his touch.

"...so practical" He feigned a pouty frown.

"You don't think I hate having to be that way?"

"Then hate it. But don't lie to me. And don't lie to yourself." He inched closer, his hand moving along the curve of her throat. His thumb swiping along her chin.

"You're impossible." She huffed, her eyes flickering to his mouth.

"Whatever" Bucky groaned, pressing his lips against hers.

Cordelia's whimper fell quiet against his mouth. His hands pulling her closer, wandering along her back. She wrapped her arms over his shoulders, throwing herself into him. Like she'd just been waiting to be convinced. Like she'd walked a tightrope on the very edge of the memory from three nights ago. Like it plagued her every waking moment, just like it did his.

"Not here" She managed, her lips brushing against his as she pulled herself away slowly.

"I parked behind the building" He said, nervously suggesting something ridiculously risky.

And to his surprise, she smiled. 

Chapter Text

It was crammed. And hot. And uncomfortable. But it suited him just fine, because there was nowhere to go but closer.

Bucky's hands held her tightly, trying to reach every inch of exposed skin. Cordelia's jeans were still rolled over one leg. Her underwear pulled to the side. Bucky tugged at one of the bands that held her top up, unraveling more of her body.

He wanted as much of her as he could get.

He tried to kick his way out of the pants rolled down around his ankles. It made her laugh. And he couldn't hold back his own breathy chuckle, making his cheeks grow warm.

Her hair was falling out of her braid, the strands tangling themselves around his grip as he reached for her face.

The heat from their bodies had already fogged the windows. Each exhale was met with a soft giggle. Or an even quicker 'shhh'. A reminder that someone could hear them.

Cordelia pushed him down against the backseat, the movement quick and decided as she followed him. Her hands looking for something to hold onto. To steady herself as she sank down on him further.

She bit her lip to stifle the moan that threatened to leave her, but it didn't work. It filled the silence, and made Bucky pull her even closer.

"This is so stupid" She whispered, her mouth brushing against his as she circled her hips. It was making his brain shrink in on itself.

"I know. Keep going" he managed, his voice strained in his throat. Cordelia laughed, taking his request as a challenge, grinding her hips faster.

He could feel the heat growing in his core. Everything tightening as she bounced on top of him. Her breathing quick and her clothes half torn off.

What a fucking sight it was.

Bucky pulled himself up, using whatever headrest or handle he could find. His mouth crashed against her skin.

Sucking. Biting. Nibbling. Licking.

Making her quiver. Making her tangle herself into him further. Goosebumps forming on the back of his arms at the way his name sounded when it came gasping out of her.

He could feel her hand gripping his jaw, tugging his face towards hers. Her mouth crashed against his. Her tongue swiping over his bottom lip, followed by her teeth as she bit down.

Bucky groaned, his cock twitching inside of her. He was swimming in the feeling of her soft tongue dancing against his. He could feel every sound she'd tried to bite back. All of it was vibrating against his mouth. She was desperate. A complete mess. Like she'd lost all her inhibitions.

The sound coming from where they were connected was sloppy. And loud. And so fucking wet.

He was close. Too close.

"Wait– He managed. He didn't want it to be over. Not yet.

Bucky tried to shift, slipping out of her carefully as he helped her turn around.

"ouch—" Cordelia whispered, the seatbelt catching on the band of her top that he'd untied.

"shit–sorry" He mumbled, out of breath as he tried to work his trembling fingers around it. Cordelia smiled, waiting patiently, until he got it right.

"This way?" She peeked over her shoulder.

"no, uh– this way." He whispered, slightly shy again.

Cordelia pressed her chest to the center console, the gear shift digging into her side. Bucky tugged at her underwear further, wrapping them around his fist as he held them to the side. Her skin was marked red from the way he'd been gripping onto her.

Cordelia was already arching herself for him. Her legs shaking without control as he pushed his cock back inside of her. He moved slowly, unable to stifle any sound coming out of him. It was loud. And without apology.

Vibrating in his chest as he sank into her completely.

He didn't move. He just wanted a few more moments of this feeling. The feeling of her stretching around him, dripping along his length, twitching. Spread out for him like this. Her braid almost completely undone. The small hairs at the nape of her neck sticking to her skin.

"Please–" she gasped.

Bucky was lost. His hips pulling back and pushing forward. Thrusting into her. Watching the way she bounced.

It was slow. Controlled. He knew she liked it like this. He'd spent the entire night they'd been together, memorizing everything. The way she liked his strokes. And his hands. And his tongue.

And then he'd spent another three days thinking about it. Over and over and fucking over.

Cordelia's soft gasps echoed along with the growl in his throat.

She was past trying to make him stay quiet, she couldn't even bite back her own moans anymore.

She pressed her hand against whatever she could reach. Moving herself back, sliding up and down his cock, rocking her hips to his pace.

Fucking him as he fucked her.

"fuck–" Bucky's voice was clipped, like there wasn't enough air to speak.

Cordelia bit down on her lip, her body threatening to tip her over the edge. She'd underestimated how attentive he'd been. Learning every part of her like that.

She tried to push back. Tried to deepen his reach, when her hand slipped against the radio, making it blare loudly.

"Shit–" She managed, reaching for the dial, trying to turn it down.

Bucky laughed, pressing his forehead against her shoulder, listening to how winded her giggle was. Her skin was sticky, salty on his tongue as he kissed his way along her neck.

This entire thing was a mess. But it felt strangely like it was theirs.

"closer...I want you closer" He mumbled into her ear. Like there was enough space for them to be anything but close.

Like they hadn't been pressed against each other, limbs tangled and mouths clashing since they'd stumbled into his car.

Cordelia could feel how he wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her closer to his own. Her back flush against his chest. His breath warm against the crook of her neck.

"I want you all the time. All the fucking time. I–I can't stop–" His voice was breaking, urgent as he tried to hold onto his restraint. He didn't want to confess. But it was pouring out of him. Hot and slow like something sticky and sweet.

His hands slid along her body, settling between her legs. His fingers brushing over her slippery folds. Cordelia could feel his touch running through her like electricity. Every vein in her body danced with fire as he circled his fingertips on her clit.

"Bucky—" She managed, his name rushed. Like a warning. She wasn't prepared for this. It felt like a fucking ambush, the way he was spiraling her towards release. Without her fucking permission.

He hadn't been like this before. So in control.

The timid air about him was gone, and what was left was raw desire.

"You drive me fucking crazy, you know that?" Bucky's voice was a growl in his throat. Like a simmer in his chest. He bit down on her earlobe, coaxing a shattering gasp from her lips. "God, those fucking sounds you make when I touch you. I wanna learn every single fucking spot that makes you sound like that" His voice tight in his throat.

His fingers didn't slow, didn't quicken. They just circled tighter as he thrust deeper. He needed to feel her. Feel how she unraveled.

"That's it, right? Please let me feel it." Bucky whispered, drawing a broken sound from her throat as her body gave in.

Her breath left her like a whimper. Her hand sliding into his hair, gripping at the roots. She was shaking. Her voice muffled against his mouth. She wasn't sure what she was begging for. She didn't care. All she could feel was how she tightened around his cock. Deep and pulsing inside of her. Every vein in her body was on fire. Her chest hot and heart beating in her ears. Fireworks beneath her skin.

Bucky held her in place. Pushing further in. Pushing deeper. Her body trembling against his.

"Yeah. Like that. That's it." He whispered.

Cordelia's head was resting against his shoulder. The car was even hotter than before. The sound of the radio buzzed somewhere beneath the sounds of their breathing.

Bucky was drawing little squiggly shapes in the steam on his backseat window.

She couldn't have moved even if she wanted to. Suddenly overcome with exhaustion. Her limbs felt so heavy.

Bucky pressed his lips against her forehead, holding them there.

Just still. Not kissing, not pushing. Just touching.

"You okay?" He finally whispered.

"Yeah. I think so" She mumbled, their limbs were so tangled she wasn't even sure how to start undoing herself from him. If she even could.

"You?" She looked at him softly, lifting her head and balancing her chin on his shoulder.

Bucky nodded, a relaxed smile on his mouth as his hand found her leg. His touch was soft, almost hesitant. But he did it anyway, tracing little circles to the back of her thigh. And she let him.

"Your heart's beating so fast" She whispered, her hand running along his chest. Bucky turned his head slightly, meeting her eyes.

"I know" He whispered back, a soft huff on his lips. "So..." He sighed.

"So" Cordelia followed, sitting up carefully. She ran a hand through her tangled braid before tugging the elastic off. Placed neatly between her teeth, she began wrapping each section of hair around itself. Until it started to look closer to what Bucky had seen in the library. He enjoyed watching her. Her hands working without even having to look at them, her eyes fastened on something far away. Her lips brushing against the hair tie.

"We can't—" She started, her voice catching in her throat when he reached out to touch her. His fingers brushed against her earlobe.

"Your earring" He mumbled.

"shit..." Cordelia sighed, looking around at the floor of the car. She knew it was no use. With the amount of desperate chaos that had just taken place, chances were she would never see that earring again.

"Sorry" He chuckled.

"It's fine," She laughed, leaning back against the seat. Slightly defeated.

"Bucky, we can't do this again" She whispered, staring out at the parking lot.

"You said that last time"

"I meant it–"

"No you didn't" Bucky interrupted, making her turn her gaze back to him.

"Yes. I did." She corrected, her voice a bit sharp.

"Oh, are we already pretending this didn't happen?" He laughed.

"God. It's—this is all your fault, by the way" She ran a hand over her face.

"My fault?" Bucky raised his eyebrows, an amused gasp leaving him. "I'm pretty sure you were the one begging me not to stop"

"I wasn't begging" Cordelia rolled her eyes.

"You were begging," Bucky's voice was smug.

Cordelia gave him a playful shove, trying to bite back a smile and failing miserably.

"I liked it" He smiled, waiting for her eyes to settle on his.

"What? the begging?" she raised a slightly irritated eyebrow.

"Yeah. I like when you forget how to pretend that you don't want me"

"I don't–you know what? I should go" She whispered, watching that boyish grin on his face widen. He'd won. Exactly what, she wasn't sure. But this round was his.

Putting their clothes back on was a much slower process than the sheer frenzy as they'd tried to take them off. Bucky moved his leg as Cordelia tried to wiggle back into her jeans. She reached for his shirt that had somehow ended up in the driver's seat. He let her put her feet in his lap as she stretched to button her pants. She sat still while he re-tied the band to her top.

And then they carefully slid out from the backseat.

Bucky walked her to her car. They kept an appropriate distance. As if he hadn't felt her trying to milk him dry as she came around his cock, squeezing him, pulling him further in. Dripping all over him.

Her tongue tangled with his.

Moaning his name.

Tugging at his hair.

Bucky reached for her door handle before she could, one hand in his pocket as he watched her slightly surprised expression.

"Thanks" She managed, her voice a bit hesitant.

"You're welcome" He smiled down at her, his eyes lingering a bit too long.

"I won't–" Bucky began, stopping her before she got into her car. "I won't ask to see you again. If you really think this is a bad idea. I get it. But..." He took a deep breath, his eyes dancing over her face. "But if you ask me to....I would never tell you no." He whispered, his voice soft.

Cordelia swallowed, trying not to stare at his soft mouth.

"I won't. I can't. It's—we shouldn't" She managed, finding his blue eyes.

"Okay." He smiled. And there it was again. That look in his eyes. He didn't believe her.

Cordelia froze as he reached his hand out. She could feel his fingers brushing softly against her back, tucking the tag to her shirt back in.

"Thanks" She whispered, peeking over her shoulder.

"Anytime" He smiled, stepping back and letting her get into the car.

Chapter Text

"Promise you won't judge..." Cordelia sighed, already flinching before she'd shared the details.

"You say that every time before dropping something juicy. Spill!" Darcy urged.

Cordelia and Darcy's friendship had survived grad school, internships, John Walker and at least three different time zones. It was the most prized relationship of her adult life. Her best friend.

"No. No, this is...this might actually be bad" Cordelia grimaced, biting her lip in reluctance. But she needed to talk about it. She was spiraling. She had no friends in Millbrook. At least none she could vent about this particular circumstance to.

Darcy seemed unphased, stirring the pasta on her stove, like there wasn't a single thing that could come out of Cordelia's mouth that would make her think less of her.

"I slept with someone," Cordelia muttered.

"Finally! You've been in that micro-dot on the map for how long now? Please tell me it was one of John's high school buddies! God, that would—"

"It wasn't. Not quite..." 

"Why do you sound like you killed someone?" Darcy raised a curious eyebrow. Trying to get a good sense of Cordelia's emotions was difficult in-person, never mind over a FaceTime call with choppy Wi-Fi.

"So, uhm—remember when I told you that Winnie Barnes has two kids? A daughter who was a camp counselor, and a son who's coming back from college for summer break—"

"Yeah, the—wait!" Darcy's jaw dropped, she had to readjust her glasses. "You slept with her son?!" 

Cordelia pressed a hand to her face, nodding shamefully.

"Jesus. Okay. Wow. That's—I did not see that coming. What he is, like–"

"Twenty-one" Cordelia groaned. "I told you it was bad" Cordelia balanced her elbows on the desk, staring back at Darcy through the camera.

"Okay. You have to tell me exactly what happened" Darcy leaned closer, her grin wide.

"It was...I don't know. It just happened. He dropped my car off one night, and then he kissed me–"

"He kissed you?  Ballsy. I like it" Darcy wiggled her eyebrows.

"–and then after the exhibition he drove me home, and it just kinda...God, Darcy I feel like an idiot," Cordelia whined.

"Hey! No need to feel bad about a little one-night-slip-up. These things happen to the best of us." Darcy's voice was reassuring, but as soon as she saw Cordelia's guilty grimace, her eyes grew wide.

"Wait! You went back for seconds? Oh my god, was it that good?!"

Cordelia nodded reluctantly.

"The worst part is...I can't stop thinking about it. About him–about–" Cordelia rambled, sounding slightly panicked.

"Woah. Woah. Okay. Let's calm down. Is this like, 'I regret it' bad or...'I feel alive for the first time in three years' bad?"

"It's..." Cordelia tried, her lips parted but no sound came out.

"He's so pretty" She let out a frustrated groan. "And he...it's–" She tried. "When I told him we couldn't do this again he said 'okay. I won't ask you to see me. But if you ask me to, I would never tell you no'.  I mean...who says that?" Cordelia waved her hands in confusion.

"That's—fucking hot. I'm sorry. Sorry." Darcy held her hands up in surrender. "Alright. So safe to say...it's the second option".

"It just...I feel like I'm my old self again. Before I got all...I don't know–practical and predictable and fucking scared." Cordelia sighed.
"That doesn't sound like something to apologize for. I knew her. I like her!" Darcy giggled.

"Darcy, he's eight years younger than me. I work with his mother!"

"Look, you're not marrying him! You're not...stealing him away from prom. You're two adults who had, what sound like, mind blowing sex—which, I need to know what's in the water in Millstone—"

"Millbrook–"

"Millbrook, whatever. Because there's no way he's been fucking for long enough to know how to make you spiral like this" Darcy urged.

"He's...very attentive?" Cordelia shrugged, lacking a better word to describe exactly how Bucky managed to turn her into a mumbling mess.

"Oh, Jesus" Darcy gasped. "Does he have any friends—"

"Darcy! Let's not lose track!" Cordelia urged.

"Right. Yes. Like I said, you're two adults who had amazing sex twice—"

"Actually..." Cordelia interrupted.

"Not twice? Thrice?" Darcy gasped.

"Well...I mean, the first night was—" Cordelia had to pretend she didn't remember every single detail. It was too embarrassing to admit exactly how much time she'd spent going it over and over in her head just this past week.

"The first night? You spent all night with him? Like, he stayed over? In John's old house?!" Darcy shrieked.

"I mean...Yes, but—You're really not helping the situation, Darce" Cordelia sighed.

"God, I fucking love you. Delia, you need this! You've been so...stuck. I mean, between research, and grant deadlines and godawful faculty mixers...and not to mention a divorce from hell—if this kid can help you find some well deserved distraction, I say ride it out! Pun intended" She winked.

"Don't call him a kid" Cordelia winced.

"Right. Of course. Not a kid. A man. A strong, vigorous, rugged—"

"Okay. Stop. Please." Cordelia laughed. "You know, I called you so that you could talk me out of this. Not deepen the moral crisis" She sighed.

"Delia, you're not hurting anyone. You're not necessarily doing anything wrong either. He's an adult who can make his own choices, and it sounds like he very much chose this. As did you. And it's something you did together. Point being, you're allowed to feel good. And honestly, I think you deserve a little chaos. You've been boring for way too long" Darcy grinned.

"I hate when you make sense," Cordelia whispered, her voice still carrying a hint of mischief.

"I know, I'm not a huge fan either. But really...does he like, have any friends?" Darcy teased.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The sun had set two hours ago. The air was sticky, crawling with mosquitoes that whirled around the group of guys sitting on the porch.

Poker night was a long standing tradition, throughout the years the group had shifted. Grown smaller. Then bigger. Then smaller again. And for a little while there had been no group at all. Things could get heated while playing cards.

This summer, it consisted of the few people not spending their break away from home and the few people that had never left to begin with.

"Lang, if you play that damn skip card again I'm flipping the table" Joaquin sighed, snatching for Scott's cards, who expertidly moved out of the way.

"Play better, Torres. That's all I got for you" Scott chuckled to himself.

"Alright! It's bullshit poker on a plastic deck, not the Knicks finals." Steve sighed, scanning his cards. "Are the rules even real at this point?"

"No! He's making them up! Last round he said queens beat everything because they bring divine feminine energy!" Joaquin waved his hand at Scott.

"And I stand by that" Scott teased, laughing and making Joaquin shove him.

"Man, you're full of shit" Bucky chuckled, crunching at a peanut.

"I'm full of insight, thank you very much!" Scott argued. "And Torres is just mad because he was ghosted by that girl he was seeing, after like two dates"

"Two perfect dates! And a pretty decent night" Joaquin mumbled, sinking into his cards.

"Decent? That's your first problem" Scott laughed, the table joining him.

"Well, was it actually decent, or just...functional?" Steve added.

"It was...fine" Joaquin sighed.

"Hah! Fine" Scott teased.

"Yes. Fine! Unless there is a checklist I should know about, fine goes a long way" Joaquin corrected, his tone snappy.

"What's considered fine, though?" Steve argued, throwing in a card.

"Christ, here we go" Bucky groaned, running a hand along his jaw.

"No. No, that's a good question!" Joaquin pointed at Steve, who was sipping on his beer. Looking awfully cheery.

"Listen, guys. Good sex is all about rhythm. Like jazz" Scott explained, his hands moving suggestively.

"Yeah, but how do you know if you're any good at it?" Joaquin raised an eyebrow.

"What, you want a performance review?" Bucky sighed.

"I'll pass. You're not really my type, Barnes" Joaquin shrugged, teasing.

"Fuck you, man" Bucky laughed, chucking the empty peanut shell at him.

"I had someone clap once" Steve admitted.

"What, like applause?" Scott looked confused.

"No. Like, one single, corrective clap. It was humbling" He winced, making the table break out into laughter.

The game carried on. Scott and Joaquin taking jabs at each other about their plays. Bucky chiming in occasionally to defend whichever one his mood called for. Playing the devil's advocate as usual. Steve was getting drunker by the minute, his tipsy giggle starting to sound funnier each time he let it slip.

"If you ask me, I think it's all about finding some secret move that seals the deal" Joaquin exclaimed.

"For poker?" Steve asked, slightly confused.

"No. For fucking!"

"Are we talking about this again? Rogers is too red in the face to carry on this conversation" Scott sighed.

"Am not!" Steve argued.

"It's listening" Bucky mumbled, throwing down his last card, when he realized they were all staring at him.

"You mean like...verbal cues?" Steve asked, trying to choke back the drunk hiccup that escaped.

"Verbal, non verbal. All of it" Bucky shrugged, taking a sip from his beer.

"Casanova over here–" Joaquin teased.

"You asked for the secret move! That's the secret move" Bucky urged, laughing.

"What, so you just sit there and nod respectfully?" Scott raised a curious eyebrow. For someone who had talked a big game about good sex and jazz, he seemed awfully intrigued.

"No, asshole. I mean, pay attention. Ask her everything. Then shut up, and listen. She'll tell you what she likes. And if you're really attentive, you might even catch it when she shows you." Bucky explained.

It was impossible not to think about Cordelia. About the soft sounds she made, her breath hitching and quickening. Deepening. How she rolled her hips, rocking her sloppy core against his mouth when she wanted it faster, pulling away a bit when she wanted it slower. Her nails scraping across his skin, and her fingers tugging at his hair when she was getting close. The way her whimper changed. Shallow if it felt good. Deeper if it felt amazing. His name on her tongue. Sharp. Or clipped. Or slow. Or like a whisper.

He'd listened, alright. Listened to every fucking second of it.

There was a strange shift in the air. Three pairs of eyes staring back at him like he'd just revealed some information that was thought to be lost to the burning of the library of Alexandria.

"What?" Bucky spat.

"Damn" Joaquin whispered. "Lang, grab the other six-pack." He shifted his chair closer.

"On it!" Scott practically jumped to his feet and headed for the back door. Steve leaned in, his elbows on the table and gaze focused.

"Okay...From the top. But we're gonna need more detail" Joaquin's eyes were sharp.

Bucky sighed.

This was going to be a long night. 

Chapter Text

"Yes. It's coming together, uh–slowly but—" Cordelia was stumbling over her words. She was somewhat ill-prepared. Which was new for her. The meeting with the committee members and her advisors had snuck up on her.

Between trying to organize the absolute catastrophe of notes, peer revisions, and her ridiculous lapse in judgement that would not stop clawing at every crevice of her brain, she'd simply lost track of time.

"Ms. Dexter, I understand the unique framework of your writing, being that you've taken an on-site approach to your research. But we need some–"

Her laptop froze.

Cordelia tapped the touchpad, swiping her fingers back and forth quickly.

"He–hello? Sir? Can you hear—fuck" She spat under her breath. 

The Wifi must be out. Again.

The chair screeched loudly as she pushed away from her desk, heading for the router.

She passed the kitchen, when she noticed that the oven light had turned off. She stopped to inspect it, realizing that the hum from the AC seemed to have stopped as well. Strange. Cordelia reached for one of the light switches. Flicking it up and down.

Great.

No power.

"They say it's all of Millbrook. Even parts of Willford." Winnie sighed, hanging up the phone.

"Anything about when it will come back on?" Bucky used the kitchen rag to wipe at his forehead. They'd closed all the windows in the house to preserve some of the cool air.

"Nothing yet. Could be all day. Damnit. You know, I always say how–" Winnie went on a long tangent about the fragile power lines.

"Ma...Ma! You're gonna give yourself a heatstroke. Here, drink this." Bucky chuckled, filling a pitcher with ice and handing her a glass of it.

"ugh, you're right. Oh! I should check on Delia. Poor girl, in that big house. She must be losing her mind in there without any air conditioning or electricity. Especially if it lasts until tomorrow. Maybe we should bring her some candles– Oh! Honey, why don't you get the big long ones from the garage? I'm gonna pack her some stuff." Winnie's eyes sparkled. 

Bucky thought it was sweet. It was apparent how much his mother missed being needed. With him out of the house, and Ricki following close behind, he often thought about her being all by herself. Having no one to cook for, or share her morning coffee with.

"Ma, maybe you should call her first. She might not need all tha—" Bucky tried, but was interrupted by his mother's gasp as another realization dawned.

"–and the batteries. I'll pack her some batteries!" She rummaged through one of the drawers.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

"Really, Winnie. I'm okay. Please don't worry about me." Cordelia sighed, trying to sound as reassuring as possible.

She was doing her best to fan herself, and salvage whatever she could from the freezer. The Walker house had terrible insolation. 

If it was cold outside, it was freezing inside. If it was hot outside, it was boiling inside.

She could practically feel the heat vibrating inside the walls. It was like being inside an oven. 

"Honey, it's no trouble! Bucky's already on his way." Winnie's voice echoed between Cordelia's ears.

Bucky's already on his way.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Oh...oh, Winnie–that's...you didn't have to—" Cordelia stuttered. Feeling her heartbeat pick up a bit. She hadn't seen Bucky since she'd spent a random afternoon pressed against him, half naked, in the back of his car.

"Just make sure to call if you need anything, alright? Remember, we're down the street. Don't be a stranger!" Winnie insisted.

"Of course. Thank you, Winnie. I appreciate it" Cordelia hung up the phone, letting it clatter against the kitchen counter as she pressed her palms against the marble.

It would be fine.

He would stop by, drop off whatever it was that Winnie insisted she have, and leave.

It would be fine. She'd be fine. She—

There was a knock at the front door.

Cordelia rushed over, the handle sliding against her palm as she tried to open it quickly.

The heat from outside poured in, clinging to her skin.

"Hey" Bucky smiled. He had one arm wrapped around a large box marked "Ricki's dance shoes" and the other hand gripping the handle to a carry-size cooler.

"Hey..uh–come in" Cordelia swallowed, nervously stepping to the side.

"Thanks" Bucky's voice was a bit tight as he hurled the supplies over the threshold.

"I had no idea it was so much stuff. I would've offered to he—" Cordelia closed the door after him, following him into the kitchen.

"No problem. It's uh—can I put it–" Bucky nodded towards the counter.

"Oh..Oh! Yes. Yes, here" Cordelia hurriedly moved the clutter out of the way. A glass of wine from last night. What had previously been some frozen berries, and a box of brownies.

"Sorry. I volunteered to deliver the rescue package. If I would've stayed a minute longer she would've forced me to eat everything in the fridge" Bucky was slightly out of breath. The white T-shirt he was wearing clung to his back, the sleeves rolled up almost to his shoulders. The vein in his right arm. A was a soft sheen covering his neck. His skin looked more tan. His hair a little wilder than usual—

Stop.

She had to fucking stop.

"That...was actually my plan too. Except, I don't really have anything in my fridge" Cordelia shrugged, a nervous chuckle escaping her lips.

Bucky was trying harder than ever not to stare. The thin straps on her shoulders from the dress she wore. The little ruffles over her chest and around the bottom hem. The way it came right to the middle of her thighs. The shiny layer of sweat covering her chest.

"Well...she covered all grounds" He tapped the top of the cooler. "There's some string cheese, cut up watermelon...uh–canned peaches and a few bottles of water, I think." Bucky smiled.

"Tell her I said thank you. She really didn't have to go through the trouble." Cordelia gave him a soft smile, her arms crossed over her chest as she kept her distance. She wasn't sure why she thought moving any closer was a bad idea.

"Yeah. She's thoughtful like that. And...she really likes you." Bucky huffed, shrugging.

Cordelia could feel the guilt heavy in her stomach like a pile of bricks.

"Anyways, there's some batteries in here. Flashlight. Lighter. Matches. Oh, and candles. She was adamant I tell you the scented ones are for the bathroom and uh—these are hurricane grade" Bucky grinned, pulling a candle the size of his own arm out of the box.

"Christ" Cordelia giggled, reaching for it.

"There's also...a portable fan. Runs on batteries. We couldn't find any that fit, but it should still have some juice. At least to help for tonight. Uh—what else? Right! Charged power bank, for your phone. There's a thermos in there somewhere with hot water. And instant coffee. Just in case. And I threw in an old T-shirt from my closet, because she said you'd sweat through your clothes before asking for any help" Bucky's eyes landed on Cordelia who was running her arm over her forehead, wiping away the heat. Her eyes sharpened at his comment.

"Her words, not mine" He smiled.

"Thank you. Seriously. I mean, I would've been fine. But, thank you. She's a lifesaver" Cordelia's eyes flickered around the room, trying not to stay on him for too long.

"No problem." Bucky nodded, taking her in. His gaze danced along the hem of her dress and how it didn't quite rest against her skin. How it danced a bit when she walked. Her bare feet and the new nail polish on her toes. It was a lighter blue. Different from the pink she'd had on before.

"That thing is leaking. By the way" He blurted out, seemingly catching her off guard. He couldn't help but wonder where her mind might've trailed off to.

"What?" Cordelia almost jumped.

"The...berries?" He narrowed his eyes, trying to determine what the purple liquid was.

"Oh...shit. Sorry–I mean, thanks" She chuckled nervously, picking it up and putting it in the sink.

"You really weren't joking about not having anything in your fridge" Bucky huffed.

"I—I was gonna..." Cordelia sighed. "I was gonna make some blueberry margaritas." She admitted, slightly embarrassed.

"Oh" Bucky nodded, as if it suddenly made sense.

"It's...I've had a day"

"Anything I can do to help?" He asked. It was just smug enough. Just enough of a hint of that fucking arrogance. Just enough for her to know what he actually meant.

"Not unless you can throw together one and a half years of research into organized and sensible categories and defend it while it's being spit roasted over a fire by a board of advisors–" Cordelia rambled, the words spilling out of her. She wasn't sure why she was telling Bucky, of all people.

"...Here" Bucky mumbled, opening the cooler and handing her a string cheese. He wasn't sure what kind of advice an occasion like this called for.

"Thanks" Cordelia sighed. She peeled it open, taking a bite. "Not bad" She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Right?" Bucky grinned.

"So...how have you been?" She asked, her voice soft and filled with both regret and curiosity.

"Fine. Just...hanging around. Wasting time, mostly" He shrugged.

Cordelia nodded, taking another bite of her cheese.

"God, I'd love to just hang around." Cordelia groaned, leaning against the counter as she chewed on her cheese.

Bucky smiled, looking down at her.

She was even more beautiful when she was trying her hardest not to look at him.

"I think the universe has provided an opportunity" He gestured to their surroundings. "No electricity. No Wifi. No advisor's board".

Cordelia's eyes shifted with a look of mischief, something tugging softly at the corners of her mouth.

"You think those batteries you brought are gonna fit in the blender?" She gave Bucky a pondering look.

"I think there's only one way to find out" He grinned. 

Chapter Text

Cordelia had settled into the armchair, keeping as much distance from Bucky as the room allowed.

It was oddly reminiscent of the first time she'd invited him in.

But the tension in the air was due to something else now.

Not something undiscovered, like it had been then. But something thoroughly explored, and lingering, and frustratingly, achingly tempting.

She'd stolen a few glances at him anyways. Even thought she shouldn't. Even though she'd tried her best not to.

It was hard.

Especially when he was stretched out on the couch like that. The ugly margarita cup in his grip. His shirt clinging to his skin. His leg kicked over the armrest. His other foot tapping lazily against the floor.

Without the hum of the air conditioner, it was awfully quiet.

The sound of his calm breathing filled the space. That, and her rushed heartbeat echoing in her ears.

"This summer has been weird." Bucky mumbled, shifting.

"How?" she asked, eyes fixed on the ceiling fan that hadn't moved in hours. Her hair draped over the armrest, feet dangling. The condensation from her equally-as-ugly-cup slid down her arm, briefly cooling her skin.

"I don't know. I need a plan. I feel like I'm just drifting"

"You're 21. You're supposed to drift" Cordelia chuckled, taking a sip from her straw.

"Sounds like something people say to excuse failure" Bucky huffed.

"No. It's just the worlds best kept secret."

"What is?" he asked, glancing over discreetly. His eyes swept over her skin, the sheen of sweat, the soft rise and fall of her chest. The strap that had slipped from her shoulder.

"That no one actually knows what the fuck they're doing"

Her eyes moved towards him, her gaze trailing his side profile from this distance. The curve of his jaw. The shape of his nose.

"Yeah right! Said the most put together person I've ever met!" Bucky muttered, rubbing his face.

"What, you think I have a plan?" Cordelia snorted.

"You're telling me you don't?"

"I don't even have a plah"

"What about your dissertation?"

"That's not a plan. That's a deadline. Not the same thing" She sighed.

"So you don't know what's next?" Bucky asked.

She'd looked away, but she could feel his gaze along her skin. It was worse than the summer heat.

"I have absolutely no fucking idea" Cordelia laughed a bit too hard.

Bucky leaned back again, eyes fixed on a crack in the ceiling.

"Well...if you did have a plan. What would it be?" He asked carefully.

"I don't know. Something quiet. Peaceful. Far away from everything." She muttered softly.

"Sounds kinda lonely" Bucky whispered.

"Maybe. But it would be mine."

Bucky didn't know enough about Cordelia to understand what that meant. Not really.

"I can't decide if this is the best or worst margarita I've ever made," She said, holding up the glass, ice swirling.

"There's a very thin line on how generous you can get with the tequila before it goes from best to worst. I think you're walking it" Bucky smiled.

"Generosity is not the point of measurement anymore. Survival is."

"You always like this when you're stressed?" Bucky chuckled.

"Like what?"

"Charmingly unhinged?" Bucky looked at her, unable to bite back the grin forming on his face.

"You calling me unhinged, Barnes?"

"Yes. But also charming" Bucky raised his glass in a lazy toast.

"Trust me, I am nowhere near as charming as you" Cordelia mumbled, swirling her straw.

"I'm choosing to take that as a compliment" Bucky shrugged, pleased with himself.

"Trouble is what it is" She giggled.

The air between them was vibrating. Cordelia didn't know if it was the heat or the force of her pushing her every desire further and further down. Crushing them with her entire weight. Begging they'd stay in the void.

"Shouldn't you be heading home? I don't want Winnie to get worried."

"Are you telling me I should leave?" Bucky peeked over at her.

He knew she noticed him looking at her. He could tell by the way her body turned stiff. And how her feet stopped swaying.

"That's not what I'm saying"

"Are you asking me to stay?" Bucky smiled

"That's not it either"

He tried not to laugh.

This stupid game of push and pull was making him impatient. Especially since he knew where they'd end up eventually.

Right on top of each other.

But he'd play along for now if that's what she needed.

"I've got nothing to get back to. Already finished packing for the trip." Bucky sighed.

"What trip?"

"Going to see a friend. He's staying at college over the summer. We said we'd go visit. Steve and I."

"Oh! Sam, right? The third musketeer?" Cordelia giggled.

"Yeah" Bucky huffed.

"Is that what's got you all existential?" She raised a curious eyebrow, allowing herself a glance while he was focused on something else.

"No. No, that's just...me. I just notice stuff. All the time"

"Ah! Lit major" Cordelia teased, making him laugh. "At least you're on the right path".

"Yeah. If I get to the other side of this nightmare, maybe I'll write about it. The world's best kept secret: No one knows shit about shit. I'll give you a special thanks in the acknowledgements".

"Hah! I bet it'll outsell anything I ever write. People fucking love self-help bullshit." She mumbled.

"Don't worry. If the whole academic thing doesn't work out...you could run a bar." Bucky shrugged.

Her laughter broke the heavy air. Loud, raspy, wild. It filled him up. Every part of his body beaming with pride. He tried to hide his grin, but it was no use.

"I'm serious...these margaritas? Dangerous"

"Sounds like a nightmare." She sighed, letting her straw noisily chase the last few drops in her glass.

"You'd be good at it. You make everything look easy" Bucky smiled.

"That's only cause you're looking at me from afar" Cordelia gestured dramatically to the distance between them. "You get close enough, you can see all the cracks" She whispered menacingly.

"I don't know...I've been pretty close. I just see you" Bucky shrugged, his eyes landing on her again. Unable to rip them away this time. She looked so carefree, her arm slung over her head. Her feet kicking playfully in the air.

"Don't do that—" She sighed, voice low.

This time her eyes were unwavering against his.

"Do what?" Bucky laughed, feigning innocence.

"That–that thing you do with your voice, that—like you're trying to not say something" Her eyebrows were pinched, her chest letting out a heavy breath.

"Maybe I am trying to not say something," Bucky shrugged.

"Okay. So then...don't say it"

"Can't. I notice everything" He muttered beneath his breath.

"What'd you notice?" She sighed.

"That you've put a comical amount of distance between us. Like you're scared you can't control yourself. That you haven't asked me to leave. That you keep trying not to look at me" He whispered, his boyish grin wide.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, slurping from her straw.

"Aren't you just the most observant little shit?" She mumbled.

Bucky laughed.

He wasn't even doing any pulling anymore. She'd just pushed herself into his territory.

And all that was needed, was one more swift tug to knock her over.

"You said you wouldn't ask," Cordelia whispered.

"I haven't...I'm waiting for you to ask" He teased.

Bucky let out an involuntary oomf as the pillow hit him square in the chest. He caught it, grinning at her like an idiot.

Cordelia rolled her eyes and got to her feet, heading into the kitchen.

Her movements were loud on purpose. The cup clattered against the counter. The blender whirred. She poured the last of the margarita into her glass.

Bucky stood too, slowly. His footsteps echoed softly behind her.

Cordelia was pulling her hair up into her hands, stretching as she tilted her  head to one side then the other. Bucky's eyes were locked on the little hairs at the nape of her neck. Sticking to her hot skin.

He swallowed hard. Feeling something in his core whirl.
Like she was making him watch.

He stepped closer, his arm moving around her as he placed his cup on the counter. It clattered softly. He was closer to her than he'd been since they collapsed into chaos in the backseat of his car.

She smelled sweet, even now. Despite the long hours of no breeze and the warm sun rays.

The scent of her shampoo filled the little distance between them, her hair falling down her back again as she let it slip out of her hands.

She turned around, her eyes taking him in.

Bucky could feel his heartbeat hitch. He didn't stand a chance against the way she watched him with those brown doe eyes. His knees felt weak.

"Were you serious? What you said that day, by the car?" She whispered.

"Dead serious"

"So if I ask you now. You won't say no?"

Her lips looked so soft. so full.

"Can't" Bucky shrugged.

"Why?"

"Because I know what it feels like now. With you."

Her eyes wandered along the soft pout on his mouth. His blue eyes sharp against hers.

"What does it feel like?" Her words were barely a breath. Her hands resting on the counter behind her. The strap of her dress still hanging of her shoulder.

"Don't pretend you don't know" He whispered.

Cordelia pressed her hand against his chest. Slow. Careful. She could feel Bucky's heart. And how fast it was beating. The warmth of his body against her palm. He leaned into it. His weight testing. Urging to press against her body.

"What am I gonna do with you?" she sighed. Her eyes were conflicted, a hesitant smile growing on her lips.

"Well...I mean, I have a few ideas—"

She kissed him. Her lips crashing against his in a hurry. Soft and sweet and warm.

Bucky reached for her, his body finding hers immediately. Pressing her tightly against the heat in his core. The damp fabric of their clothes rubbing together. His hand slid up beneath her hair, his fingers lacing around the back of her neck.

A soft purr left her throat. Vibrating against his mouth.

Bucky knew he couldn't stop himself. Knew he wanted her now. Right there. Kitchen counter, or kitchen floor. It didn't matter to him.

Cordelia felt his hands moving down her body. Certain. Like he knew exactly where he wanted to go. She tugged at his shirt. As if he could get any closer. As if they weren't already pressed so tightly against each other that they felt like one.

It didn't feel rushed this time. Not like it had in his car. Or the first night when she'd had to remind him how much time they had.

This was different.

He handled her with a different confidence. Like he knew what she wanted, before she did.

The kiss deepend. But it wasn't frantic. There was purpose to the way his tongue danced along hers. There was meaning to the way his lips pressed against hers over and over.

His hands holding her face. His fingers running through her hair.

Cordelia's felt her feet swipe from beneath her, Bucky's hands tight around her waist as he lifted her. Just one quick push, and she was on the counter.

A soft giggle escaped as she pulled him back in, her legs wrapping around his waist. Her arms draping over his shoulders.

Bucky followed the curve of her hips, his hand sliding over the small of her back, pressing her closer to the pulsing heat between his legs.

"If I start, I'm not stopping" His voice was soft. A whisper between their mixed breaths and brushing mouths.

"Good" She muttered, her hands moving into his hair.

Bucky's fingertips brushed the back of her thigh, teasing at the hem of her dress. He could feel her pushing closer. Urging him without speaking. The soft gasp that left her as his hand slipped beneath her dress made his body shiver.

Her skin was smooth. Warmer the further up he moved. His thumb brushed over the band of her panties, then he stopped.

Their lips moving apart carefully, his eyes searching hers for permission.

Cordelia managed a nod, her eyes still focused on his mouth. Bucky hooked his fingers into the band, pulling them off. He peeked at the fabric before he dropped them to the floor.

Crimson, matching the shade of her dress.

Cotton.

Simple.

Somehow, it made him even harder.

"Do you wanna go upstai–" Bucky breathed, his hand ignoring the patience in his voice.

Cordelia shook her head.

"No. Here." She managed, her voice close to a whimper.

He swallowed hard. Trying to let his breath catch up to him. Trying not to rush himself.

His fingers brushed over her folds. Already slick and warm. Bucky circled her entrance, gathering her moisture before he carefully slipped it up to her clit.

Adrenaline pumped in his chest at the way she jolted. Arching her back as her knees moved apart even more.

Cordelia held onto him like breath to air.

Her chest rising faster as he circled her sensitive center.

She was so fucking wet. Already, so wet.

Just the sheer thought of him did that to her. Just the anticipation of his touch.

He knew exactly how to do it. It was apparent he'd committed every desperate, trembling, quivering need of hers to memory. Taken his time to make note of what made her whimper. Like he'd always known they'd be here again.

Bucky's mouth wandered along her skin. It tasted salty on his tongue.

His lips brushed along her throat as his fingertips circled her gently. He could feel how she pressed herself against his hand. Craving more contact.

"You're so fucking soft" He whispered, his tongue trailing circles against her chest. Brushing over her shoulder.

Cordelia couldn't manage any words. Just a soft whimper as she pressed him closer, holding him against her sticky skin.

He tugged at her dress, sliding it down beneath her chest. His hand cupping her breast, his thumb brushing gently over her nipple before following with his mouth.

His cock was straining so hard against his underwear that it was bordering on painful. But he was enjoying every fucking second of it.

Cordelia bit down on her lip, watching his mouth find its way down her body as he slowly moved to his knees.

His rushed breathing felt warm against the inside of her thigh. It felt like flames blooming in her belly, as he kissed further between her legs.

He was taking his time. Leaving no part of his trail untouched. Unkissed.

Cordelia's eyelids fluttered, her hand gripping the side of the counter as he landed against her slick folds.

It was torture.

Every second of it.

But it was the best kind.

He kissed the way he'd kiss her mouth. Slow and precise. His tongue finding the most sensitive spot. Lapping over it with precision.

She let out a sigh. One that had been trapped deep in her chest. All the guilt and regret was gone. There was nothing but them. But him. And the way he was devouring her.

Cordelia rolled her hips to meet his mouth, letting go of the edge and sliding her hands back.

She liked watching him. On his knees. Face between her legs.

Bucky's hand moved along her thigh, spreading her legs wider for him. Sucking gently at her swollen clit. His tongue swirling softly against it.

Cordelia let her head fall back, eyes pointed to the ceiling, as she felt his hand find the small of her back.

He held her in place.

She knew she was in trouble. If she'd try to squirm away from him, she wouldn't stand a chance. But that didn't matter right now. She didn't want to be further away from him. She wanted to be closer. As close as she could get.

Cordelia's fingers ran through his hair, holding his mouth in place.

"Keep it there. Right there. Fuck. You're so good at that." She managed, her voice shaky.

Bucky could feel something erupt in his chest. He'd already gotten her here. Gushing into his mouth, her arousal dripping down his chin, her hips rolling against his tongue.

He wanted more.

More. More. Always fucking more.

He slipped his other hand between her legs, carefully circling her entrance before slipping a finger inside.

The rattling breath that left her sounded like ecstasy. Her back arched and the grip on his hair tightened.

Bucky pressed her closer, curling his finger inside of her, coaxing another shattering moan from her lips.

He wanted to taste all of her.

Every painfully trembling moment.

Cordelia's skin was on fire. Her hair sticking to her chest and shoulders. Her breaths ragged and loud, followed by soft whimpers that only drove Bucky further over the edge.

She didn't stand a chance. She was finished.

The familiar feeling began to bloom in her core. But this time stronger than anything before.

Before she knew it, her body jolted with the sensation of falling. Like stepping off a peak.

She closed her legs around his head, grinding herself against his mouth.

It was desperate. And erratic. And so, so good.

Cordelia's eyes rolled, her eyelids fluttering. Her lips were parted, but no sound left her as she clenched around his fingers. Dripping.

Bucky pushed her legs apart, letting her heartbeat and the pulsing of her body guide him. She could go a little longer. She could take a little more.

He could hear the sound of her skin sticking to the countertop.

Everything was warm.

Most of all his mouth.

Bucky didn't stop until he could feel her pushing him away. Her hands pressed against his head, shoving him. Her chest heaving.

His mouth was soaked with her.

He was still on his knees, looking up at the most ruined expression he'd ever seen her wear.

Her skin was glistening.

He ran his lips along the inside of her thigh, wiping his mouth clean before standing up.

He couldn't help but keep a hand between her legs. Chasing the feeling of how everything was pulsing. His fingertips still circling along her swollen clit. Carefully brushing against her folds. Her climax slippery against his palm.

His other hand found her face.

She was a fucking mess. Pieces of her hair dancing in her deep breaths.

Bucky smiled, his eyes finding hers as cupped her cheek. It was a strangely gentle gesture. Confusingly soft, after having just unraveled her to her very core.

He would have to pay for this.

"You're shaking" He whispered, a hint of concern in his gaze.

Cordelia nodded, finding his lips with her own.

She pressed her hand against his chest. His heart was racing as much as hers. Gusts of breath leaving him between every kiss.

She pulled away, her hands holding his gaze on hers.

"Catch your breath" She whispered, still trying to find her own. "You won't get another chance until I'm done with you".

Chapter Text

The first few times had felt like they were almost on accident. The timing of it strangely convenient for both of them to excuse their collapse into desire for something stupidly spontaneous. Something that could be brushed off. Forgotten. Explained away.

But not this time.

This time was entirely on purpose.

Bucky's body still felt brittle. His head still a bit light. His eyes still trying to focus on the shapes in the bedroom.

He couldn't even fathom the sounds she'd drawn out of him. His entire body trembling, jaw clenching and muscles spasming.

The faint memory of her breathy voice lingered somewhere in the back of his mind.

"Breathe" She'd whispered, reminding him to let the air into his lungs. Every inch of his skin sensitive and pulsing. Her fingers tangled with his. Her mouth everywhere.

God, he couldn't even let himself think about it too much without feeling how his blood began rushing away from his head.

Everything felt like a haze. The portable fan whirring loudly somewhere in the corner. His back pressed against the mattress. Their bodies dripping with the heat of each other. Skin sticky.

Bucky turned his head, letting it fall lazily to the side so he could find her.

The loose waves in her hair danced in the breeze as she looked down at him, balancing on her elbow. A soft and satisfied smile drawn on her gorgeous mouth.
Sunlight was spilling into the room, stretching so far across his body that it reached over hers.

"Thirsty?" She whispered.

Bucky nodded, not really having the energy to speak yet. For the last two hours his lips hadn't been able to form anything that wasn't a groan, or her name.

Cordelia reached over him, her body hovering above his as she poured a fresh glass of water from the jug on the nightstand.

The sound of it made his mouth even more dry, his thirst growing as he watched her gulp down the water.

The condensation pressed against her palm, running down her wrist and dripping onto his chest.

Bucky's body jolted, the cold drops of water felt like they burned against his warm skin. A mixture of shock and comfort.

His eyes trailed over her where she sat. Her weight pushed into her palm, dipping the mattress. Her legs neatly crossed to the side. The curve of her hip. Her unruly hair.

He had to stop his jaw from hanging open as he watched her, unable to understand why even the simplest things about her felt so mesmerizing. She'd destroyed him completely. Forever ruined for anyone else.

"What you staring at, Barnes?" She teased.

"You" Bucky grinned. There was no hesitation. And no shame.

He was always staring. He could never just look at her. It didn't satisfy the urge within him.

It was primal.

Bucky balanced himself on his elbows, finding enough strength to accept the glass she handed him. He drank like it was the first sip of water he'd had in his life. And Cordelia giggled as it trickled down over his chin and onto his chest.

She slipped down next to him, her head resting on the pillow, her hand tucked beneath it as she watched him.

It was strange to think that she'd gone from trying not to look at him, to not being able to look away.

The sun dancing behind the silhouette of his side profile. His tousled hair and the way he slung his arm above his head.

Bucky reached out, his fingertips trailing along her skin. Brushing against the dip of her waist, and the curve of her hip. His palm pressed flat against the back of her thigh, moving up over the curve of her ass. Along the small of her back, up between her shoulder blades. So soft. So fucking soft.

Cordelia was curious too, finally letting herself indulge in the proximity. She traced along the curve of his shoulder, brushing his skin gently with her fingertips. Moving up the side of his neck, along his jaw.

It was strangely innocent, despite their bare bodies and the remnants of raw and unapologetic desire that lingered in the room. Like fog on a cold morning.

"When's your trip?" She whispered, her hand finding its way to his face.

"This weekend" He sighed, his fingers tangling into her hair. She could feel him twirling  one of the strands.

"Are you excited?"

"As excited as I can be about a 15 hour drive" He chuckled.

"You're a good friend" Cordelia smiled, her eyes dancing over his face.

"Sam is" Bucky shrugged, pulling her a bit closer. "I'm gonna miss you"

"Miss me?" Cordelia laughed, slightly taken aback by his blunt confession.

"Yeah. I'll miss doing this" Bucky shrugged. That sounded better out loud. It sounded less terrifying.

"It's just a few days" She whispered.

"I'd rather do this for a few days than make that ass-numbing drive, with Steve snoring like a dragon in the passenger seat"

Cordelia let out a laughter that made Bucky grin. There was a strange sense of pride in making her laugh like that. Like something exploding, pouring out of her.

He liked it almost as much as he enjoyed making her come. Almost.

"Seriously. It's uncanny" He chuckled, trying his hardest not to pull her even closer.

"It'll feel worth it. You'll have fun"

Bucky rolled his eyes, shrugging.

"I want you to have a good time. You know...do whatever you want" She whispered, a light shrug following.

"What do you mean?" Bucky raised a curious eyebrow.

"I mean...you know what I mean" She wrapped her arm over his shoulder, her fingers reaching carefully into his hair.

Bucky tried to ignore the way it felt. The way her touch sent a shiver down his spine. He wanted an answer.

"Actually, I don't" He narrowed his eyes.

"I've been to my fair share of college parties, okay? I know there's a bunch of drinking, and dancing, and girls, and—"

"So?" Bucky shot back almost immediately.

"So...I'm just saying. If you go to a party, and you meet a pretty girl...I'm not going to be upset."

"...okay" Bucky bit the inside of his cheek.

"We don't have to make this a big deal. There doesn't need to be any rules—"

"Sounds like you're making one right now" Bucky huffed.

"Well, it's more a...anti-rule?"

"Sure. Whatever you say."

"Cool. Casual. No weird tension" Cordelia tried.

"Right. No weird tension at all" Bucky smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Bucky–"

"Does that go both ways?"

"What do you mean?" Cordelia pulled away, her hand slipping away from his face.

"I mean...does that mean you're seeing someone else?"

"No" Cordelia's voice came out more offended than she'd thought it would. "And I don't need permission".

"Not what I asked" Bucky scoffed, sounding slightly irked.

"I'm not seeing anyone" Cordelia pushed.

"But you could."

"I could. You could too"

"But I don't want to" Bucky muttered, his eyes finding hers again.

"That's your choice." Cordelia chuckled.

And what if I said I didn't want you to? What if I said I didn't really like the idea of someone else touching you? The words were itching on his tongue, begging to spill out.

But Bucky knew better than to say any of it out loud.

"Any other rules?" He sighed.

"Don't make it sound like that!" Cordelia shoved him playfully. "They're not rules. They're...guidelines. It's good to establish boundaries." She smiled.

She closed her grip around his jaw, tugging his face closer, smiling at his adorable little frown.

"I'll be here...writing. That's all I do. That, and apparently, fuck you"

Bucky's gaze softened a bit.

His arms tugged her closer, rolling them over in the bed. Cordelia's back was pressed against the mattress.

She didn't mind the feeling of his weight pinning her down.

His arms framed around her face. Her legs wrapped around his waist. She could feel the beating of his heart, still fluttering from the way she'd made him gasp and shake.

"How about I help you with that? When I get back." He smiled.

"What? With writing?" She looked at him surprised.

"No, more like...organizing. You could use someone to do all that. File, label, take notes—" He pressed soft kisses along her jaw. Letting his tongue play along her skin as he moved further and further down.

"You'd want to do that?" She giggled, playing in his hair as he dragged his lips along her chest and down her stomach.

Cordelia could feel something grow warm in her core. Slowly. Vibrating. Pulsing. Her hips rolling forward.

"Is that against the rules?" He looked up at her, kissing along her hip bone.

"Shut up" She groaned, making Bucky chuckle as he ran his hand along her body.

Cordelia's head fell back against the pillow. She should say no. There was no way they would get any work done. She would fail out of her doctorate program, being distracted by his presence. And his fucking mouth.

"You think you could handle working for me?" She teased.

"I can handle doing a lot of things for you" Bucky's eyes flickered up to hers from where he was kissing his way down to her center.

"I'm warning you. It's very boring work"

"I don't care. I can put it on my resume. Summer internship. Or whatever you wanna call it. It'll make me feel like I'm drifting less. And you...are in desperate need of an extra pair of hands. Win-win." He carefully brushed his lips along the inside of her thigh.

"Fine. Not a terrible idea. But we have to be professional." She tried to bite back a soft gasp. "And! You have to let me pay you" She managed.

"Pretty sure that's illegal" Bucky moved back up, his eyes lingering on hers. A wide grin plastered on his face.

"Smart ass" Cordelia laughed, pulling his lips to hers. 

Chapter Text

Bucky could feel the soft tingle from the alcohol. Right now, the 15-hour drive had actually felt worth it. Being away from Millbrook wasn't so bad.

The campus was huge. Dorms upon dorms. Sorority and frat houses. Large buildings and patches of grass that stretched for what seemed like miles between each area.

The exact opposite of Prescott state.

"Who's house is this?" Bucky whispered over Sam's shoulder.

"I have no fucking idea" He laughed.

It was like being friends with a celebrity. Sam had always been charismatic. He'd always been talkative. A real extrovert. He loved the attention, and he was good at handling it too. Sam was the only reason the three of them had managed to gain any social currency during their early high school years.

The three musketeers, Winnie would always call them.

And it wasn't without good reason. They were thick as thieves, even now. Despite the distance and the limitations of real life.

Even though Bucky found great joy in having the band back together, he couldn't help but feel like he was being held down by the crushing feeling of reality.

This was it.

This was going to be it, from now on.

Occasional trips when everyone's schedule happened  to line up. Planned phone calls that are decided by different time zones and work schedules. New friends taking priority over the ones that are too far away. Going a little longer without talking between each time you catch up. Making plans months in advance that someone ends up canceling.

Fitting an entire three or four months worth of life events over sporadic texts and occasional voice notes.

It felt like a lingering dread in Bucky's chest that even the alcohol had a hard time drowning.

His phone vibrated, and he jumped as it pulled him out of his spiraling. The screen flashing brightly into his eyes.

Dad

Text message (1)

He sighed, opening the message.

Dad

Hey bud, just checking in with you again. Hope you're doing alright. Mom told me you're visiting Sam in Louisiana this weekend. Why don't you stop by next week? We can do dinner. Or lunch if it suits better. I know summer nights can get busy.

Give me a call.

We miss you.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair as he looked down at the message. The words blurred a bit. He was too drunk to deal with this right now. He didn't feel like—

"Barnes!" Sam shouted.

"...Fucking christ, man. You scared the fuck out of me" Bucky sighed, running a hand over his face and locking his phone.

"Nervous Nelly. What's wrong with you? And what the hell has gotten into Rogers?!" Sam's eyes grew wide as he pointed back discreetly to Steve; who was laughing and  swinging his arms in what seemed to be an attempt at dancing. Sam's jersey number drawn on his cheek in what looked to be purple lipstick.

"He's having the time of his life, what do you mean?" Bucky laughed.

"He's drunk! When's the last time you saw Rogers white girl wasted like this?"

Sam opened a beer for Bucky and then one for himself, clinking the glass bottles together loudly.

"Like...sophomore year?" Bucky grinned.

"Yes! When we had to jump the fence behind the old junkyard and that old fucker let the dog loose on us!" Sam laughed, clapping Bucky on the shoulder.

"That's right! What was the name of that dog?" Bucky could still feel the wind whipping against his face as he ran for his life that night, the junkyard dog on his heels.

"Chopper! I'll never forget it. I know they say all dogs go to heaven...but that motherfucker..." Sam raised his eyebrows, and Bucky nodded along.

"Oh yeah...he's someplace warmer" Bucky laughed, shaking his head.

Sam Wilson didn't miss much.

And even though Bucky was laughing along, and had been for most of the night—it wasn't difficult to see that his mind was somewhere else. He made a note to press him about it later. When the moment was right. 

"Well...he's been getting laid lately. Maybe that's what's got him in a better mood. He seems more confident" Bucky chuckled, shrugging as he sipped on his beer.

"I heard. Wanda Maximoff? Who would've thought?" Sam sighed.

Bucky shrugged, holding out the bottle and Sam clinked his against it.

"Hey...he's happy. I'm happy." Bucky sighed.

"Yeah but...man. Maximoff is mean. I guess he might be into that though. It would almost make sense..."

"I try really hard not to picture it. But yeah...I've thought about it." Bucky laughed, their shoulders bumping as they both cackled so loudly that it caught Steve's attention.

He held out a hand, waving to them frantically.

Bucky and Sam both raised a fist, cheering on with encouragement as they lifted their beer bottles.

"Gotta love him. Bless his heart." Sam chuckled.

"Yeah..." Bucky smiled, swallowing the lump in his throat

The door to the house opened and more people walked in. And suddenly, Sam tensed up. His eyes set on the group of girls stumbling into the party.

"Who's that?" Bucky looked at his friend, whose eyes were wider than normal. He'd put the beer bottle in the sink, his shoulders straightened and his hands in his pockets. Bucky didn't have a hard time recognizing the nervous posture in his best friend.

"oh...no one, just–" Sam tried, but failed as soon as he met Bucky's questioning gaze.

There was no hiding with the musketeers.

"That's...Monica Rambeau." Sam smiled, his eyes filled with mischief.

"...and?" Bucky urged.

"And...she's..." Sam's face scrunched up. "The reason you and Steve might be staying alone in my dorm tonight?" Sam winced, looking at Bucky apologetically.

"I don't know man. she's way out of your league but...you can swindle anybody if you try hard enough." Bucky bumped his shoulder to his.

"You know what, Barnes? Not all of us have a set of those mesmerizing baby blue's—"

"Get out of here, man" Bucky laughed, shoving Sam away, who grinned widely as he backed into the living room.

"Wish me luck" He winked at Bucky.

"You got this, thunder thighs." Bucky smiled.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

"So, that's kind of what I'm thinking. But anyways, what's your major?" The girl smiled widely, waiting for Bucky to answer. He'd been half listening.

It was almost 1 AM.

Bucky's head was pounding, alerting him to make a decision.

Either go to sleep, or keep drinking.

The party was dwindling down. Sam was nowhere to be found and Steve was fighting to keep his eyes open. He'd ended up with more lipstick on his face. Kiss marks across his forehead and other cheek.

Bucky tried to keep an eye on him, a college party was the last place you wanted to pass out.

"oh–uh, Literature" He cleared his throat, trying to keep his focus on the girl in front of him.

"Ugh, see! I love when people just know what they want and—" She rambled on. She was pretty. Her long blond hair looked silky straight and her ripped shorts showed off her long legs.

On any other night he might've jumped on the chance to take her back to his room.

But all he could think about was Cordelia. And how she'd told him to 'do what he wants' and 'have fun'.

But none of this was fun. And all he really wanted to do was wrap his fingers into her caramel brown hair and drag his lips across her skin, and—

"Anyways, you wanna like make out or something?" The girl sighed, and Bucky was caught off guard.

"uuuh—" He managed, his eyes shifting around the room for an excuse.

Any excuse.

And there it was.

Steve was passed out on the couch. And someone had drawn a mustache on him. And not a very good one at that.

He hoped it wasn't permanent marker.

"Actually, I have to—uhh—my friend is, I gotta— I gotta go. Sorry" Bucky mumbled a quick excuse, her annoyed grunt hitting his ears right before e headed for Steve.

He tried to shake him awake.

"Steve...Steve!  Wake up, man"

"What? no!" Steve groaned, his eyes opening wide.

"Time to go, bud." Bucky sighed, pulling his friend off the couch.

"I fell asleep" Steve groaned again.

"I know. It's okay. You have a mustache" Bucky sighed. He'd caught his friend just in time. It was only a matter of time before he'd end up with a dick across the rest of his face. 

They stumbled back to the dorm, and Bucky managed to get Steve onto one end of Sam's couch.

He went straight back to sleep.

When you're that drunk, you can convince yourself into thinking any surface is comfortable enough.

"I guess we'll worry about the mustache tomorrow" Bucky sighed, collapsing onto the other end of the couch. His head was spinning. His skin tingly and his mind racing.

The open windows had made the air in the room warm and sticky. He could hear the distant chanting and drunk mumbles of students making their way home. The footsteps echoing in the hallway outside.

He tried to close his eyes.

Maybe he should've taken that blonde up on her offer.

Maybe it would've helped. Maybe it would've made him stop thinking. Thinking about her.

About how it felt as she was pressed against his body. Her fingers running through his hair. Her mouth sinking down on his hard cock. Her soft tongue against his own.

Bucky sat up, eyes wide and mind still spinning.

He took a deep breath and pulled his phone out.

He was not in control anymore. His fingers had a life of their own as he opened his text messages and found her name.

He typed out a few words.

Deleted them.

Typed out some new ones.

Deleted them again.

"Fuck me" Bucky sighed, pressing the phone to his forehead before looking at the empty text bar one more time and hitting the dial button.

Calling anyone at 1.30 AM unannounced should guarantee going straight to voicemail.

But to Bucky's surprise, there was a soft click on the other end as the dial tone stopped.

"Hey..." He managed.

"Hey. What's going on?" Cordelia's voice hit him like a ton of bricks. He hadn't actually thought this far. He didn't know what to say if she picked up.

"Were you–I didn't wake you, did I?" He whispered, making his way to the bathroom.

"No. No, I'm still awake. Is everything okay?" She sounded concerned.

"Yeah. Everything is fine...I just–" Bucky locked the door, taking a seat on the toilet lid. "...I don't know" He sighed.

"How's your night going?"

"It's good. Yeah. Steve is passed out. Someone drew a mustache on him." Bucky chuckled.

"And Sam?" She whispered.

"Sam–Sam's good. Yeah. Party was kinda lame though." Bucky shrugged, pressing his hand against his forehead. He sounded like a fucking idiot rambling on about nothing.

"Oh..that's a shame—"
"I just called cause...I–I really can't stop thinking about you. And it's actually kinda fucking with me. And I just...I wanted to see you, or—hear you or, whatever. It's stupid. I'm sorry, and it's late–" Bucky rambled on, unable to stop himself. All those beers were having more of an effect than he'd thought.
"wow...how boring was that party for you to drunk dial me of all people?" She giggled.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not that drunk, but— it's not....I'm sorry. Maybe this was a bad idea. Calling you and—" Bucky huffed. "I don't wanna break any of your rules" He emphasized the last word and it almost tasted bitter on his tongue.

Or maybe that was just the after-taste of stale beer.

He couldn't be sure anymore.

"You get a say too, you know?"

"I do?" Bucky smiled, his words still slurring a bit.

"Yes." She urged.

"Okay. That's nice. Thank you. I wanna suggest a rule, then" He chuckled to himself.

"Let's hear it" She laughed.

"I...wanna see what you're wearing" Bucky whispered.

"That's a request, sweetie. Not a rule." Cordelia let out a playful sigh.

"Okay, but it's a good one though, right? Cause it kinda matches your rule. I'm not calling to like, talk about...my feelings. I just...I wanna see what you're wearing. I can do that, right?" He could hear himself, but there was no stopping it.

The embarrassment would have to coordinate with his future headache about which one of them was going to ruin his fucking day tomorrow.

"Bucky, you can talk about anything you li—" Cordelia's voice was soft. And it made him long for her in a way that wasn't necessarily physical.

"Cordelia..." He whispered.

"Yes?" She whispered back.

"Like King Lear" He whispered, amused with himself.

"Yes. Like King Lear" Cordelia giggled, humoring him.

"Do you know what happens to me? when I think about you?" He managed through a dry throat.

"What's that?"

"It makes me—it makes me wanna take that 15 hour fucking drive back to Millbrook, right now. And park outside your house. And–" He wasn't sure he should keep going. He'd felt the desperate and exhausting urge for release all night. All he wanted was to feel her.

Just her.

Specifically, her.

"...and?" She whispered.

"Should I keep going?"

"Mhmm"

"...lick my way down between your legs. Until you start...breathing fast. I love the way you sound when you breathe fast." He managed, swallowing hard. He could hear Cordelia breathing softly on the other end.

"And I want you to touch me. And I wanna fucking touch you. Really really badly."

"What else?" 

"I love how your mouth feels. And your skin. It's so fucking soft. And you're so fucking beautiful. And I just—" Bucky took a deep breath. "I'd rather be in your bed than here...I'd rather be in your bed than anywhere, most of the time." He ran a hand through his hair, feeling how the blood was rushing away from his head. He should really stop talking. He was gonna regret this tomorrow.

Cordelia couldn't stop smiling. The way every desperate confession just came pouring out of him. The way he craved her. 

Something mischievous bubbled beneath her skin.

"Are you by yourself?" She whispered.

Bucky swallowed hard, his eyes widening as his mind raced, trying to encompass the thousands of possibilities and outcomes to hearing her say those words.

"I—Yes" He sat up straight.

"Okay. My turn." She teased.

Bucky nodded, not realizing she couldn't possibly know that he was.

"Please" his voice trembled.

"I love...when I can hear you breathe right against my ear. When it gets warm, and your voice sounds like you can't keep yourself together anymore."

Bucky was holding his breath.

"You want me to keep going?" She giggled.

"Yes" He was no longer resisting the urge to unbuckle his belt. Reaching for the pulsing length between his thighs. He was hard just from listening to her talk about it. Talk about them.

"hmm...I like when, you fuck me slow. I like...feeling how you get so hard in my mouth."

"Keep going" Bucky mumbled.

"Can you do something for me?" She whispered.

Bucky nodded again. Fucking idiot.

"Yes. Yeah. Whatever you want." It was impossible to hide the desperation in his voice.

"I want you to touch yourself" Her voice was a soft breath. Bucky could feel his heart hammer. He was already halfway there. His cock throbbing as he gripped it through his underwear.

"I...am" He admitted, slightly embarrassed.

Cordelia giggled on the other end.

"Can I watch?" She asked curiously.

"Do you want to?"

"Yes"

"Can I watch you?" Bucky whispered.

"Yes"

Bucky felt the phone grow warmer against his ear, vibrating against his cheek as the FaceTime call lit up his screen.

His finger eagerly reached for the button. His heart pounded in his chest.

It felt like seeing her for the first time again. That same feeling in his chest as when he turned the corner into the den. 

Her hair was messily tied up on her head. Her big glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. The ones she only wore while working.

"Hey" He smiled, his eyes trailing over her shoulders.

Her chest. That spot right beneath her collarbones that he loved to press his lips against.

He could practically smell her through the screen, if he focused hard enough. That sweet flowery scent that made his fingers itch to touch her.

"You look pretty" He grinned.

Cordelia smiled, propping up her phone and laying down in front of the camera.

Bucky was breathing faster. His eyes jumping across the screen.

He could feel his cock straining against his underwear. The tip so sensitive that the fabric pressed against it made him wanna squirm.

"Do you wanna show me?" She smiled, watching as Bucky worked one hand against the band, slowly revealing himself. She could see how he was pulsing in his hand.

Cordelia bit down on her lip, trying to stifle the soft gasp building in her throat. She let her hand travel down between her legs, teasing over her own folds as she watched him. Her hand hidden behind what Bucky thought was an unnecessary amount of layers.

He watched her roll her hips forward, a soft sound leaving her as he ran his hand up and down his cock.

"Take it off" He whispered. "All of it. I wanna see you. Just you." He managed, his eyes locked on her every movement.

Cordelia lifted her hips off the couch and pulled her shorts off.

It made his heartbeat hitch.

He'd never done this before. Not like this.

Phone sex had usually been Lisa on a speaker next to him as he touched himself. Listening to her breathing and moaning, saying how much she missed him.

But this was something completely different.

He watched Cordelia slowly run her fingers over her folds, brushing over her clit.

"Tell me what you want" She whispered, her breathing heavy as she played with herself.

Bucky had never been dumbfounded and laser focused at the same time. He didn't know where to start.

"Just keep doing that...I want you wet. Really wet." He whispered, stroking himself. "Spread your legs. More." He groaned at the sight. At how she obeyed. Doing exactly what he wanted.

"fuck..." He had to remember to be quiet. Steve might be asleep. But that didn't make him deaf.

The head of his cock was already shiny with his arousal, and he rubbed his thumb into the sticky mess, circling around the tip and along the line.

Just the way Cordelia would do it.

It made him throb, his breath quickening.

"mmh...feels good, doesn't it?" She teased, her eyebrows knitting together softly. Her mouth parted and a quiet gasp followed as she kept rubbing her clit.

"You're fucking killing me..." Bucky groaned. Being with her was one thing. Watching her was something completely different.

Everything was wet. Her arousal stringing from her fingers.

"...fuck—slower. Go slower." He breathed.

Cordelia ran her other hand along her body, cupping her own breast before she moved her fingers to her mouth.

Her tongue played around her fingertips, circling them lightly before she brushed them over her nipple. Her hips bucked forward, her folds shiny with all that moisture.

Bucky's grip on the phone tightened as he watched her head fall back from how good she was making herself feel.

She looked so fucking beautiful playing with herself.

It was for him. All of it was for him.

"Put your fingers in. Slow." Bucky's voice was a growl in his throat. His eyes locked  on her hand as she circled her fingers around her entrance. Just the memory of how soft it felt against his own fingertips made his cock twitch.

So slippery.

So warm.

Cordelia was enjoying herself. Watching Bucky watch her. Watching his eyes jump back and forth. The way his chest moved. The way his lips parted. The soft groans that escaped him, no matter how hard he tried to be quiet. He was beside himself. And she loved every second of it.

Cordelia slid one finger in slowly, curling it just right.

"That's it. Fuck, you're so fucking beautiful—"He managed, the muscles in his thighs tightening.

He didn't want to come yet. Not yet.

Cordelia's hair was coming slightly undone as she rocked her hips forward, fucking herself for him. Letting him watch just how far she could take herself. She curled her fingers further, pressing hard at the spot that made her drip. Wishing he was there to clasp his warm mouth onto her throbbing clit.

"I wanna see" She whined. "I wanna see how hard I make you".

Bucky was barely holding it together. His hands shaking as he showed her. He was dripping. His hand slipping over his cock faster and faster. He wished she was gushing over him like that. Everything wet and slippery as he thrust himself inside of her. Deeper. Harder.

He was too fucking close. He had to pace himself. He didn't want this to be over. Not yet.

"Bucky—" Her voice was sharp. Strained. Like she was on the very verge of letting go.

He groaned. The way his name left her mouth made every single hair on his body stand on end.

Cordelia could feel the pressure building in her core. Threatening to snap. Threatening to unravel in a way she wasn't expecting.

Bucky could hear the squelching sound coming from the way she was touching herself. Deep. And fast. And consistent. And focused.

It was like nothing he'd ever seen before.

"That's it. Show me. Please. I wanna see you come." He breathed, his voice straining. He was practically begging, his eyes so focused on the way she moved. They way she was dripping. How she was making a fucking mess. He didn't even care about being quiet anymore.

Cordelia's smug smile made his cock pulse even more. She knew exactly what she was doing to him. 

Her breaths came in more rushed. Her chest rising. Her back arching. Her soft whimpers echoing in his ears. He couldn't have ripped his eyes away from her even if he wanted to.

Every part of his body was tightening.

His eyes trailed over the way she was pointing her pretty fucking toes. Her legs shaking as she began pulling her knees together.

"No. No, no, no. Spread your legs. Show me. I wanna see" Bucky's voice was deeper now. Almost dark with desire. Unyielding focus.

Nothing coming out of her mouth made sense anymore. It was a string of incoherent mumbles. Almost like she couldn't keep up with herself.

Bucky could barely keep up with her. Could barely keep up with himself.

Everything that had been building was coming to a tipping point. He couldn't stop himself. Couldn't hold it in any longer.

He spilled into his palm.

Strong and heavy spurts of his sticky and warm climax. His cock throbbing as he came from just watching how she brought herself closer to the edge. Her hips writhing and lifting. Her hair coming even more undone. The long pieces sticking to the side of her neck.

"Keep going. Don't fucking stop. Don't fucki—" He groaned, still stroking the sensitive tip of his cock. His palm was slippery as he ran it up and down his length. He was still hard. Still throbbing.

Cordelia's toes curled as she let out a sharp gasp. Her full lips parting.

And then complete silence.

Bucky remembered the sound of silence falling on them both as she clenched around him. Her fingers digging into his hair and tugging hard. Coaxing him along her own wave of pleasure until he would end up coming inside of her.

But he'd never seen her do this before.

A rush of liquid soaking everything. Her legs shaking violently.

Bucky sat up straight. He could feel himself pulsing in his hand again. Another spilling of warmth into his palm.

His toes curling in his shoes. The muscles in his abdomen contracted. He couldn't stop the sharp gasp that left him.

"ff-fuck..." He breathed, his eyes wide as he watched her hand work faster. Another rush of liquid dripping down her folds.

Her soft breathing filled the silence of the aftermath. Her cheeks flustered and a shy smile on her mouth as she ran her hand along her folds. Slick with proof of something he didn't even have fucking words for.

But she was covered in it. Fripping along her palm and fingers.

Bucky felt like he'd been hit by a train. His legs like jello. His temples buzzing. His ears almost ringing.

He wanted to taste it. All of it. He wanted to put his mouth right up against her sloppy wet core, and lap it up.

He swallowed hard. His voice strained as it left his tight throat.

"Can you teach me how to do that?"

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

When Sam walked through the door to his dorm, he had a wide grin on his face.

He stepped quietly as he spotted Steve. His arm thrown over his face, snoring loudly.

"Don't worry. He won't wake up" Bucky mumbled, making Sam jump.

"Don't talk at me like that from the dark, man!" Sam whispered aggressively, making Bucky chuckle quietly.

"Sorry. Wanna get in on this?" He pointed down to the green crumbs spread into a neat line in the rolling paper.

Sam hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek as he pondered.

"fuck...okay. Just this once though. I have to stay sharp on the field. I can't mess up my lungs".

"Just this once" Bucky agreed, smiling at his friend's agreement.

For a split second it felt like old times.

Sam watching quietly as Bucky rolled up the magic. Steve already passed out and unable to continue partaking in the fun (he'd always been a lightweight).

The sun almost crawling over the horizon.

And all of their actual responsibilities ignored. Even if just for that night.

"So..." Bucky whispered. "How was it?" He smiled up at Sam.

"You know I never kiss and tell" Sam teased.

"Alright, but you gotta tell me about her" Bucky urged. If Sam was keeping details to himself, it must be serious.

"She's...oh man. She's smart. Med student." Sam raised his eyebrows and got an equally as impressed expression from Bucky.

"She's...funny. Makes me laugh. Gorgeous, obviously" He scoffed.

"Obviously" Bucky scoffed back.

"She's on the debate team. So she loves to argue" He smirked.

"Finally, a woman after your own heart" Bucky sighed. "All these years I've been looking to pass the torch on the debating. Good thing she's got some practice. She'll need it" He laughed, earning a playful kick from Sam.

"I think she might be the one. Like...the one"

"Really?" Bucky's eyes widened a bit more than he'd intended.

"Yeah. Is that crazy?"

"No....I mean, I'm not sure. How do you know?"

"You just know" Sam shrugged.

"Oh come on, that's a bullshit answer!" Bucky groaned, putting the end of the blunt in his mouth.

"It's not! I'm telling you. When you know, you just know. Can't describe it. It's like...the first time I saw her I—"

"You knew just from looking at her?" Bucky raised a skeptical eyebrow, balancing the flame from his lighter.

"No, asshole. When I saw her, I knew I needed to like...have her. You know? It was like..this pull. And then I got to know her. And I realized she was fucking perfect" Sam smiled, his eyes shining with sick infatuation.

"I'm happy for you, man." Bucky smiled, blowing out the smoke and passing it to Sam.

"What about you?" Sam teased, taking a long drag.

"Me?"

"Yeah. You look happier than you have all day" Sam's voice was strained.

"Me? Happy? Come on. You're high" Bucky huffed, waving his friend off.

"I know. That's why I'm asking. And I'm not high. Yet." Sam giggled.

"Just...nice to have the band back together" Bucky shrugged.

"Come on. I know you're not this happy to see me. And you haven't even tried to talk to a girl tonight" Sam pointed an accusing finger at him. "Don't try to lie to me, cause I was watching you".

"I was just—" Bucky tried, running a hand through his hair.

"Who is she?"

"What?!" Bucky practically bleated, making Sam laugh.

"Okay, just tell me one thing. Please tell me it's not because of Lisa" Sam sighed.

Sam had never been a fan of Bucky's relationship with Lisa. He was never an asshole about it, cause Sam was a good guy.

Better than most.

And he was never an asshole to Lisa, which Bucky appreciated.

They'd remained cordial.

His eyes were scanning Bucky's face in a way that made him nervous now. Lying to Sam was hard. Actually, it was impossible. This was the entire foundation of the 'no secrets' pact they'd made in fourth grade.

"It's not...like anything official, or—I'm just...we just talk and—" Bucky danced around his answer, trying to find a way to tell him without actually telling him.

"...and?" Sam urged.

Bucky laughed, trying to look away.

"Come on man, tell me!" Sam teased.

"...and....have the best sex I've had in my entire fucking life. There. You happy?" Bucky whispered, looking over nervously at Steve, who was still snoring.

"Okay, now you gotta spill all of it" Sam leaned in, intrigued as the blunt exchanged hands.

"no. No, no, no. We're not–we're not doing that—"

"Why not? You can't tell me you're having the best sex of your life and then not tell me with who!" Sam whispered sharply, his hands gesturing wildly.

"No—it's complicated. I can't just—I can't. I promised I wouldn't" Bucky held up his hands in surrender.

Sam leaned back, his eyes narrowed and arms crossed.

"You and this damn gentleman's honor of yours...one day I'm gonna get sick of it" Sam joked.

"Well, you didn't wanna share either!" Bucky laughed.

"Yeah, but that's because I really like Monica. You're just—" Sam's eyes grew wide, his mouth falling open in realization.

"Oh, shit—oh you, like...like her. Don't you?!" Sam gasped.

"I don't—shut up!"

"Oh shit, this is like...serious? Barnes! Are you into this girl?!" Sam cheered, grabbing Bucky's shoulder and giving him a loving shake.

"It's not like that, I just—" Bucky tried to play defense, but it was too late.

"Does Steve know? Cause if Steve knows, then you have to tell me. Don't think I forgot about that 'no secrets'-pact. I'm only letting you off on a technicality here." Sam pressed.

"No, he doesn't know....and I wanna keep it that way for now. I just...I'm happy with the way things are. I don't wanna ruin anything. I shouldn't even be telling you this!" Bucky pushed back.

"Whatever she's making you feel...it looks good on you, man" Sam clapped him on the shoulder.

Bucky smiled, his cheeks growing pink in the dark as he shook his head.

Bucky hated goodbye's. This had been a thing since before his dad even left. He wasn't always very good with change. Or the lack of change.

Or both.

Or anything.

He didn't know how to navigate the feeling in his chest as he watched Sam and Steve hug goodbye.

His eyes eventually shifted up from kicking at the gravel as Sam lunged at him.

Steve was taking the first half of the drive back, and he was already adjusting the seat and trying to find the perfect morning radio station.

"You could just stay here. Apply for next semester. We could share the room for fall semester" Sam shrugged.

"Honestly...living with you and your early morning rise and shine bullshit would be like, actual fucking torture—" Bucky laughed, earning a playful push from Sam.

"I'm serious. We have a good lit-program here. And no fucking winters" Sam raised his eyebrows in an attempt to sell the idea.

"Eh...I don't mind the winters" Bucky shrugged.

"You're too smart to be at Prescott, Buck"

Bucky's stomach twisted. He didn't need the reminder that he was throwing his life away.

"I'll see you at Christmas break" Bucky gave his shoulder a light squeeze before getting in the car. 

Chapter Text

"—Bucky! Bucky, did you get the right buns?" Winnie's voice shot across the house like a drill sergeant with a mimosa.

"Yes, I got them last night on the way home!" Bucky roared back, taking a deep breath before making his way to the kitchen.

Every year, Winnie Barnes hosted a pool party for her league of unruly ladies. A large group of fifty-something women, spoiling themselves, gossiping, and getting wine-wasted under the sun. 

"And will you move your car? We're running out of space in the driveway!" She shouted again.

Bucky was barely holding it together from the previous 48 hours, which had been filled with nothing but drinking, smoking, shitty food and a serious lack of sleep.

But he was sharp enough to catch his mother's strange request.

"Move my car? Isn't everyone here?" He walked back into the kitchen, dragging along the barcart that Winnie had requested be put out by the pool.

"I invited Delia." Winnie's gaze sharpened a bit. Waiting for an answer.

"Oh...cool" Bucky shrugged. He'd tried to disregard the crack in his voice. The heat growing in his chest like a wildfire. But it was too late. Winnie had already noticed his hopeless attempt at remaining casual. 

"Is that okay?" 

"Why wouldn't it be? She's your friend" Bucky chuckled nervously.

"You can park on the street, right? Let her have the spot in the driveway. Be a gentleman." Winnie smiled. Her eyes held a hint of playful mischief, but he didn't dare ask why.

"Whatever. Sure." Bucky feigned disinterest. But his heart was beating in his throat. And his temples. And his fingertips.

He fumbled a bit more with the bar cart, hurrying out of sight.

Every year he told himself he wouldn't get roped into helping with the pool party. Yet every year, he did. And so did Steve.

Bucky dragged the cart out by the pool, hearing the elated cheers from the ladies lounging around in their large hats and flowy cover ups in colors so bold they could trigger a headache. 

He walked away smiling while being showered in 'thank you's'.

"You look like hell" He snickered at Steve who had ended up working the grill.

"Feel like it too. Like it's not hot enough outside to fry eggs on the pavement...I somehow ended up standing over an open fire?" He groaned, flipping the sausages and burgers. "This is your fault" He shot a side eye at Bucky.

"How is this my fault? You know this happens every year!" Bucky laughed.

"Yeah, but a head's up would've been nice! I could've faked not feeling well...or something" Steve sighed.

"I think you're past faking it. Besides, I'd hate to be stuck here with the Millbrook Cougar Club all by myself." Bucky pressed his palms into his eyes, trying to ignore the way they were being watched.

"I think I feel objectified," Steve groaned.

"Tell me about it. It's usually better when Ricki's here to take some of the heat. She's figred out a way to distract them." Bucky sighed, opening a beer and handing it to Steve.

"Please don't talk about heat" Steve squinted his eyes, taking a big gulp of the beer.

"I gotta move the car. Are you gonna be alright out here?" Bucky sighed, feeling the butterflies build in his chest again. He hadn't really talked to Cordelia since their late night video call a few of days ago. It felt like steam that had needed to set. 
"There's more of them coming? Buck, I don't know If I can handle more of them" Steve looked at him horrified, his eyes wide with terror.

"Don't worry. It's just Co–Delia" Bucky tried to laugh it off. She was only Cordelia to him. Delia, to everyone else.

"Oh, Ms. Delia's coming?" Steve's shoulders straightened, his eyes turning a bit brighter.

"Yeah...wha–" Bucky watched his friend with narrowed eyes, but before he could ask the next question, another loud string of cheers erupted from the Cougar Congress.

"Did you fit in the driveway okay?" Winnie smiled widely as she wrapped her arms around Cordelia.

"Oh, I parked on the street," She shrugged.

Winnie shot a sharp look at Bucky, her lips drawn in a tight line. But Bucky didn't notice.

He was too busy looking at her.

"Sorry...I can—I can move the car" He mumbled as he approached them.

"Oh please, don't even worry about it. The street is perfectly fine." She smiled between him and Winnie. "I can't cook without burning water. So, I brought Sangria" She laughed, holding out the pitcher to Winnie.

Bucky tried to bite back the grin that was threatening to expose him as he looked at her.

How silly it felt. To feel so jittery at just the sight of her.

And how exciting it felt.

How exciting, that despite how they would move along during this gathering, sneaking a few glances, exchanging looks, and accidentally brushing against each other one purpose...Bucky knew the taste of her.

The way her nails felt as they dug into his skin.

How she sounded when he would make her feel so good that she no longer functioned through words.

They way her soft skin felt against his.

His hand closing in hers, pushing it back against the mattress while she moaned into his mouth.

It was exciting.

Knowing that they were just for each other.

That she was just for him.

And he counted the minutes. The seconds. Until he could have her all to himself again.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The sun was beaming, and the smell of charred food filled the air. Bucky could feel his stomach turning a bit at the thought of the grease covered hamburgers.

But out of all the current inconveniences, having to watch Cordelia from afar was the worst.

It was the only one that felt like torture.

Her wet hair looked slick with oil, as it stuck to her back.

Her skin tan and the water glistening as the droplets danced their way along every curve and crevice of her body.

And that teeny tiny fucking bikini didn't help either.

He knew he should be listening to Steve. But he was so distracted.

"–You know what I mean?" Steve sighed.

"Yeah...uh-huh..." Bucky mumbled, trying not to bite the inside of his cheek as his mind wandered.

"Buck!" Steve snapped.

"Yes!" Bucky snapped back.

"What planet are you on right now?"

"Here! I'm— I—" Bucky tried to grab for an excuse that sounded decent. "My head is killing me, man. I'm sorry." He sighed.

"Yeah...mine too" Steve sighed, flipping another burger. His eyes following the trail of Bucky's gaze.

Suddenly Winnie's voice pierced the air, ringing over the loud conversation by the poolside and the 70's safari techno music.

"Delia, is that your phone on the counter inside?" She shouted as she made her way out past the sliding doors that led to the pool. A glass of Sangria in each hand. "I think someone is calling you. It's doing an awful lot of buzzing" Winnie scrunched her nose, slightly tipsy as she tried to walk straight in her kitten heel sandals.

"Thanks. I'll get it" Cordelia giggled, leaving the conversation she was having and passing Winnie as she headed in through the doors.

Bucky saw his chance, and he was going to take it.

"You want like...an Advil or something?" Bucky turned to Steve, who was now wearing a scowl so intense Bucky was scared his friend's face might just get stuck that way.

"Can you make it like, five?" Steve groaned, barely able to roll his eyes as he pressed a few fingers against his temple.

"I got you" He headed for the door quickly.

The inside of the house was cool and shaded. The table cloth moving in the breeze from the air conditioning.

Cordelia's hair was still dripping wet. The droplets looked like little pearls as they rolled down her spine.

The kitchen became quiet as Bucky pulled the door closed, the sound of it pressing shut made her jump. 

She turned around and met his gaze.

Bucky smiled, stepping closer, his hands behind his back as his eyes locked against hers. It was impossible to not get lost in those doe eyes. It only took a glance. An instant.

God, he'd fucking missed her.

He'd actually fucking missed her.

Cordelia clicked her phone shut quickly, and flipped it over against the counter. Hiding the screen. She reached for the Sangria pitcher, pouring herself a new glass.

She could feel him standing behind her, towering over her.

The heat from his sun kissed skin radiating against hers.

Bucky lowered his lips to her ear, barely brushing against her, whispering.

"This should be fucking illegal" His eyes flicking nervously toward the door, as he slid a finger under the damp fabric of her swimsuit; peeling it from her skin and snapping it against her ass.

"Are you complaining?" Cordelia smiled, looking over her shoulder.

She blinked up at him slowly, his blue eyes swimming with desire as his gaze shifted to her mouth.

"I would never do something so stupid" He reassured. "You didn't tell me you were gonna be here" He smiled.

"Surprise" Cordelia whispered, her chest brushing against his as she turned to face him.

Bucky grabbed her by the wrist, his grip tightening before pulling her out of sight from the glass doors. He looked back quickly, making sure no one was watching as he turned them behind the wall.

"Bucky, wait—" Cordelia barely managed before he pressed his lips to hers.

She couldn't resist softening in his embrace, his hands cupping her face as he kissed her slowly. He was warm. His body encompassing. She'd might've missed this. Just a little bit.

His mouth felt light as a feather, dancing along her lips. His tongue swiping against hers. Soft. Slow. Like the urgency rushing through his veins didn't matter.

He reveled in the feeling of her hands moving along his chest. Over his shoulders. Into his hair.

I missed you.

I missed you.

He wanted to say it so bad.

"Let's go upstairs" He whispered, his lips brushing against hers.

"They'll notice we're gone" She giggled quietly, looking over her shoulder.

"So?" He sighed, his eyes dancing across her face. Her cheeks had blushed to a deep pink, and there was a splatter of freckles peeking out over the bridge of her nose now. He could tell she'd spent some time in the sun while he was away. 

"So...I'd hate to ruin this pool party by giving your mother a heart attack" 

"It would be a fainting spell at the most" He teased, brushing his thumb across her full mouth. Hungry. Eager.

Cordelia's lips parted with a slightly shocked gasp.

"You're crazy" She smiled, pulling him back for another kiss.

He was crazy.

Crazy about her. But he couldn't say that out loud. It would sound stupid. And inappropriate.

And somehow, terrifying.

"Later" She whispered, smiling up at him and pressing her cheek into the warmth of his palm.

"When?" Bucky almost groaned, his voice full of impatience.

"How does tonight sound?"

The soft pout in his mouth tugged downwards with disappointment.

"Too far away" He sighed, managing half a smile.

Cordelia chuckled. She enjoyed being wanted like this. Craved. And despite how tempting the thought of it was, him making her gush and tremble and unravel, while the party continued in full swing right outside. It was too risky.

"I'll make it up to you" She smiled, mussing his hair before slipping out from behind the wall, where she knew he couldn't reach for her.

Bucky watched her grab her sangria glass, and head back outside.

He pressed his forehead against the wall, letting out a deep sigh.

Great.

Now he had a hard-on, and a hangover.

He rummaged through the cabinets, looking for the Advil he'd promised Steve, when the buzzing sound began again.

First, he reached for his own phone. But the buzzing didn't come from his pocket, it was coming from the counter.

Cordelia's phone.

He could feel the creeping curiosity. He couldn't help but realize she hadn't bothered answering before. Hadn't bothered calling, whoever, back.

Strange. 

Curiosity tugged at him like it must have tugged at the cat. But he knew better. He really shouldn't look. Or did he? 

Yes. 

why should he care who calls her?

He reached for the bottle of Advil in the very back of the spice cabinet, trying to let it go.

The phone kept buzzing. Incessantly. Relentlessly. Whoever was calling wasn't going to quit. Who would be so insistent? 

Bucky chewed on his lip. What if it was important? What if she was expecting someone? Maybe he should check. Just to make sure—

It buzzed again.

He couldn't resist the urge anymore.

He reached over the counter, turning the phone over. The screen flashed and he instantly felt a little hotter around the ears.

His heart hitched as he looked at the name.

John (do not answer)

Chapter Text

Cordelia had made an honest effort to decline Winnie Barnes' hospitality. Bucky  wished he could've told her it was useless. 

The only thing worse than a tipsy Winnie Barnes was one who'd already made up her mind. 

"Nonsense. You're staying! Ricki's room is empty" She'd urged, and Cordelia had eventually given in to her insisting. She was almost as hard to say no to as Bucky was. 

The house had emptied out pretty fast as began it's dip below the horizon. There was no fun in having a pool party with no sunshine to keep you warm. 

Steve didn't stick around either. Just clapped Bucky on the shoulder, muttered a tired 'Good luck', and made a beeline for his car. 

So that was it.

Just him.

His mom.

And Cordelia.

Bucky laid restlessly in his bed, listening to the sound of water coming from the shower in Ricki's room. He'd tried to shake the feeling from earlier. From seeing John's name on her phone. 

What kind of man calls 28 times? 

He wasn't sure why it was making feel so irritated.

What could you possibly have to say that is worth 28 calls in a row?

It's not like Cordelia was his girlfriend. It shouldn't matter. It really shouldn't matter.

Why would you refuse to pick up, even after 28 times?

Bucky wasn't necessarily expecting anything. He didn't even know what to expect, for that matter. 

They'd had this conversation before he went to see Sam. They'd decided there were certain rules. Or guidelines, as she'd called them. It shouldn't matter whether her ex-husband was calling or not. It shouldn't. It didn't.

Except that it did. 

This was uncharted territory for him. He'd never dealt with a woman before. Much less, a previously married one. This was completely new. But dealing with divorce, wasn't.

He still remembered the back and forth between his own parents as they were pulling everything in half from beneath his feet.

What if he can convince her that she misses him?

Whatever. It wasn't important. Bucky needed to be an adult about this. He could be. He was. Besides, the rest of his name did say 'Do Not Answer'. And she hadn't answered.

That should count for something. Right?

Unless it meant she was too scared to answer because she still loved him. 

No. No, that didn't make sense. If anything, a total of 28 missed calls and a warning label on his contact name should make  him feel better.

But it didn't. For some reason, it made him feel worse. 

Bucky fixed his gaze on the ceiling. It wasn't the first bit of overthinking he'd done in this room. The air was vibrating around him. A strange sense of longing and reluctant distance turned in his stomach. 

A quiet and still house. The warm breeze flowing in through his open window. The crickets chirping loudly in the grass.

If he closed his eyes, he could almost convince himself that it was summer six years ago.

Or maybe even ten years ago.

When he'd lie here, in this exact bed, picking at the scab on his knee from when he fell over on his bike after crashing into Sam. Or the faint hum of some old Beatles song that played in his headphones.

But it wasn't ten years ago.

It was now.

The frustratingly painful present. And the only consolation was the thought of that warm stream of water rolling over Cordelia's skin. Her lashes clumped together. Her hair slick against her back. Darkened and heavy, like it was dripping in oil.

And then, he would think of John Walker.

It wasn't the possibility of John Walker lurking around, trying to get Cordelia back, that upset him. It was realizing that the possibility of it happening, just the mere thought of it, agitated him.

Made him almost nauseous. Enraged.

Bucky sighed, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

What was he doing? This was by far one of the dumbest things he'd ever roped himself into. And he'd gotten into his fair share of trouble. Made a healthy amount of ridiculous choices.

But this probably took the cake.

He should tell someone. He really should.

Someone who would talk him out of it. Who'd make him see reason. 

Steve, probably.

He would do that. He would tell Steve. 

Steve would talk some fucking sense into him.

But...

The thought of giving up a slow and warm afternoon with his limbs wrapped around hers. Windows open. Her hair tangled in his fingers. Her soft lips dancing across his chest. His mouth pressed against hers. It was bordering on unimaginable.

There was no piece of mind that could be worth trading for the taste of her.

The way she touched him.

And how everything else faded away at just the sight of her.

Bucky was lost. And there was no sense in fighting it. Like any good feeling he'd ever came across, he decided to devour it fully. Or to let it devour him.

For him, nothing was grey. Nothing was lukewarm.

It was black, or it was white. 

It was boiling, searing, burning. Or it was freezing.

He knew no other way.

He had no in-between. It was always everything with him. Everything or nothing.

He couldn't take it anymore. He jolted up right and headed into the hallway.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Cordelia was squeezing the last bit of water out of her hair, when there was a soft scrape at the door.

She padded quietly across the floor, careful not to make too much noise. She didn't want to wake Winnie.

She looped her towel around the front, folding it over herself before she reached for the doorknob. There was nothing but darkness in the hallway before Bucky slid into view, one finger pressed across his lips in a silencing gesture.

The door creaked, the sound echoing through the hallway.

"Careful...it creaks" He whispered, scrunching his nose in mischievous laughter as he grabbed the door, stopping her from opening it further.

"shit...sorry" Cordelia's shoulders tightened. She couldn't think of a worse time to be caught in the hallway with Winnie's son. Half wet. And half naked.

Bucky slipped his hand through the opening, tugging her gently into the hall. 

Cordelia swallowed the soft gasp of surprise that threatened to leave her lips as he pressed her tightly against his body. His arm reaching around her to expertly close the door without making a single sound.

She watched him with intrigue, his blue eyes shifting carefully between the door knob and her gaze.

She couldn't bite back the smile tugging at her mouth as Bucky took her hand and pulled her along the hallway. The sound of their footsteps quiet against the carpet as they made they way hurriedly through the darkness.

She had no time to protest.

But then again, she wasn't sure she even wanted to. Not even for appearances sake.

Cordelia felt like a fucking teenager again. She ran her palm along his back, finding the dip of his spine and feeling the way his shoulder blades moved as he brushed his hands along her body.

The sheets smelled of him. The scent that was so similar to some sort of pine. Light, as it mixed with the scent of his skin, which felt so warm against hers.

She enjoyed feeling the weight of his body. The way it pinned her against the mattress. His rushed breaths as he tried to press himself even closer. As if their bodies weren't already flush. As if she couldn't already feel every inch of him. 

She let him devour her. Slowly. Completely. Taking his time. He kissed her like he'd been waiting  for it. Never wasting a moment. Never sparing any effort.

Her fingers tangled into his hair, and it was feather soft as she tugged at it lightly. She moaned softly against his mouth. She could feel his hips rolling against her. Something hard, and throbbing, and pulsing, begging for contact. For release. 

Cordelia had never thought she'd be here again. Her heart fluttering at the anticipation of someone's touch. The tingling in her skin from having to be quiet or get caught. 

Bucky carefully pulled away, almost breathless. His thumb gently stroking along her cheek. Looking down at her. Beneath him. Her large eyes fluttering. Her lips kiss stained.  

"Can you teach me how to do that thing?" He whispered, his eyes filled with excitement, dancing against hers.

"What...you mean—" Cordelia smiled.

"That thing you did. Over the phone" His lips brushed against hers, his other hand tugging at the towel that was wrapped around her.

"Now? Here?"

"Yes" He whispered, nodding. Eagerness swimming in his eyes.

"I don't wanna ruin your sheets" Cordelia whispered. She could feel her cheeks grow warm. She hadn't expected him to be so forward. So confident.

"I do" He grinned, pressing his mouth against hers again.

Bucky ran his hand along the back of her thigh, his chest pressed to hers. Her body soft. His heart pounding at the thought of touching her in a way that made her squirm like that.

"Please" He whispered, his mouth moving along the line of her jaw, finding the soft spot right below her ear. "I haven't stopped imagining it. After you hung up, I was so hard I came again just from thinking about it." 

His words felt warm against her skin as he dragged his tongue along her collarbone. His cock was throbbing at just the memory of watching her touch herself. His hand slowly unraveling the towel.

"You've never made a girl come like that before?" She whispered, holding his face close.

She could see the slight hint of embarrassment in his eyes as he bit down on his lip, shaking his head gently. 

"Fine. But quietly." She smiled.

He could already feel the pressure building in his core. It never got old. This view. No matter how hard he had committed every detail of her naked body to memory. It never failed to make his blood rush in his ears. To make his skin erupt into something that felt like fireworks.

He ran his fingers along her skin, brushing it gently as he took in the sight of her.

Every and any single thought he'd had about John Walker was gone. He couldn't even remember what he'd been thinking before this moment, right here. But that was the effect she had on him. When he looked at Cordelia, it was hard to really remember anything else. 

He took his time. Taking in every part of her. The tan lines on her skin, following the shape of her bikini. The curve of her waist. The way her legs felt wrapped around him, pulling him closer. Her hand wandering along his back. Her palm resting against the side of his face.

He couldn't find it in himself to care about anything else. No matter how joyful, or painful.

"Nervous?" Cordelia flashed a cheeky grin. 

"Nope. Just–don't hold back on me, alright?" He teased, diving down on her mouth before she could say anything else. His heart beat quickened. He was nervous. He wanted to do well. He wanted to do so well. Better than anyone. 

And Cordelia could tell. His subtle clumsiness was fading with every kiss. He was thorough. Each brush of his fingertips was intentional. He was observant. Listening. Always listening for her breathing. And the soft gasps that she couldn't hold back. And the way her body would twitch a bit. How she arched her back, or tried to reach for him. How she steadied herself when he found a spot that made her toes curl. How she'd ask for more without speaking. 

The look on her face when something felt good. 

The look on her face when something felt amazing. 

she tried not to make a single sound above a whisper as he settled between her thighs. His soft tongue slipping carefully against her folds. Teasing her. Watching her grow impatient. Waiting for her to roll her hips forward, urging to be closer to the warmth of his mouth. Begging without words. That's how he knew he was doing it right. His eyes were locked on hers, watching the way her eyebrows knitted together as he rolled his tongue over her clit. 

She was slick with arousal already. A soft whimper leaving her parted lips. 

He'd missed the taste of her. Missed the feeling of her dripping into his mouth. Lapping over her clit. Her legs thighs around his head. The smell of her skin. How she squirmed beneath him, moving against his mouth. The rise and fall of her breathing. 

He wanted to feel her tremble. Wanted to see her trickle onto his sheets. Wanted to know it was because of him.

Bucky brushed his fingers against her entrance. Already pulsing. Slick. Warm. He slid them inside of her. Just two. Carefully. The soft exhale that left her made his cock twitch, her back arching as he curled them. She was dripping into his palm as he worked them slowly. Pushing up against the spot that made her gush. 

"Come h-here" Her voice was barely a whisper.

Bucky moved onto his knees, leaning over her.

"It's okay, you can push m-more–Like that." Her voice trembled, and she pulled him closer. Cordelia wanted to taste herself on his tongue. Wanted to feel his lips move against hers.

Her desperately soft groans vibrated against his mouth. Bucky could feel the head of his cock starting to drip. He deepened his grip inside of her, pressing up harder.

"mmmh—faster" She managed, her lips brushing against his.

Her body felt hot. Burning. He could feel her hands trembling against the sides of his face. A soft little sound of harmony escaping from under her breath. 

"ssh..." Bucky managed, feeling his cock straining so hard it was bordering on aching.

"Just keep doing that" She nodded, her eyelids fluttering as she tried to keep her gaze on him. She kissed him again and again. Her eyes finally closing tightly, trying to strady herself. Trying to breathe through the way he was pushing against the spot that made every inch of her skin tingle. She felt cold. And hot. And on the verge of tipping over. And like she wanted to scream. All at the same time.

Cordelia hadn't expected to feel so close, so suddenly. His reach precise. Focused. And he was relentless. Showing no signs of letting up as he moved his fingers to her exact instruction.

"Fuck—" She managed, the whisper cracking in her throat. "Bucky. Bucky, I think you have to stop—" She begged, grabbing his hand as he slowed his pace.

"Shit. Did I hurt you?" his eyes grew wide, his body still.

Cordelia managed a soft shake of her head, her chest heaving and her legs still shaking.

"She'll hear us. Me. She'll hear me." She whispered, her hands wandering along his chest. She couldn't stop herself from clenching around his fingers. She was so fucking close it was making her heart pound in her fingertips.

"Was I doing it right?" Bucky managed through labored breaths, his eyes taking on a different expression. Surprise and pride.

He knew they should be careful. But Cordelia's glossy gaze and kiss stained lips made him feel like it didn't matter. Hearing that she wouldn't be able to stay quiet made his skin burn with desire.

She gave him a soft nod.

A primal urge flashed through him at her confession. He angled his fingers and pressed harder.

The feeling of his fingers coaxing her closer, made her body jolt. Unable to stop herself, she arched her back even more. Her legs moving apart. Her hips rolling with his every push. Making it easier for him to reach the spot that would unravel her.

Bucky pressed his mouth onto hers, swallowing all the cries she couldn't keep quiet. Focused on the way she was dripping into his hand. Her arousal warm as it pooled in his palm.

"Found it" He managed, his lips brushing against hers. Adrenaline rushed through his veins. Everything felt like it was on fire.

"Bucky, you're gonna get all wet—" She tried, her face contorting.

"Good" He flashed an arrogant smile before pressing his hand over her mouth.

She was lost. It was becoming too much. It felt like rolling top speed down a hill. Her moans turned into mumbles, vibrating against his palm. 

"I know, I know. You're right fucking there. Just let—" 

She erupted over his hand. Clenching around his fingers. Dripping and gushing. Bucky's mouth dropped open in disbelief. The faster he moved, the more there was. 

Her breathing was erratic, her hands shaking as she reached for him. But he kept going.

There was more.

And more.

He could feel his entire body pulsing at the sight of her coming. At the sight of him making her come like that.

"oh my god" He groaned, continuing. Quick and precise movements that made her gush. She was right. It was a fucking mess.  He was all wet. Drops of her climax settled along his arm. His chest.

Soaking the towel beneath her.

Completely ruining his sheets.

But that was exactly what he'd wanted.

She was a wreck. Shaking. Trembling. Her chest heaving. Her eyes on the verge of rolling.

Bucky carefully slid his fingers out from the slick heat between her legs. His hand dripping as he ran it over her folds, rubbing her swollen clit and pressing it tightly against her core. Everything was still pulsing.

She'd never seen his grin so wide. It was from ear to ear as he stared down at the scene in sheer disbelief.

He knew what he'd done. And he was fucking proud of it too.

She'd created a monster.

"Was that..." Bucky was out of breath, his heart pounding as he looked down at her disheveled expression.

Cordelia's cheeks were hot. Eyelids heavy and eyebrows still knitted together. She looked more flustered than he'd ever seen her.

"I—I need a minute." She managed. Her hands trembling against his chest.

His eyes grew even brighter. Bucky pressed himself against her, feeling her shaking body beneath his own as he let his mouth wander along her skin. Everything was wet. And he was riding the highest high of his fucking life.

"Okay. Let me know when I can go again" He mumbled, his voice relaxed as he trailed circles with his fingertips against Cordelia's thigh. His head resting on her stomach.

Cordelia mustered her last stretch of remaining strength to lift her head and look down at him. Her expression filled with something close to horror.

"Okay. So more like five minutes?" Bucky grinned. His eyes filled with mischief. It was clear she'd opened a door to something she could never ever close.

Cordelia reached for one of the pillows that were scattered around them, and hit him over the head. 

"Okay, okay! I'll give you like ten!" He laughed.  

Chapter Text

Bucky liked seeing her in his clothes. The way his t-shirt hung loosely over her shoulders. Her long hair a frizzy mess from writhing and squirming against the sheets. From the way his hand had tangled into it as he pushed his hips forward, sinking deeper inside of her. Urgently. Desperately.

He didn't even know what time it was. He didn't much care, either.

He was floating blissfully in the aftermath of their sticky bodies pressed together. Her muffled moans and his low growls as he fucked her until everything was a wet dripping mess. The ends of his hair still felt damp from the summer breeze settling on his their as they moved quietly on the bed. Bucky's hand covering her mouth. Cordelia pressing her lips against his to stifle the sounds he couldn't help but make.

Slow. Slow. So fucking slow.

And he still didn't feel like he was done. He still felt the blood rush away from his head as he watched her stroll around his room.

She moved around slowly, observing every corner. Dragging her finger along his dresser and across every spine of every book.

"Why do I get the feeling that being in here was every high school girl's dream?" She teased, flashing him a smile over her shoulder as she busied herself with looking at the polaroids from a few summers ago.

"Shut up" Bucky chuckled, his hands resting behind his head as he watched her. Exhausted. In pure bliss.

His chest felt warm at the sight of her. At the thought of her.

Fuck.

"I like it. It's very you." She smiled, leaning back against his desk as she stared him down from across the room.

"Why are you all the way over there? Come back here" He reached out his hand, and she slid hers right into it. Letting him pull her back onto the bed.

They were tangled in a mess of damp sheets and downy pillows. Cordelia's leg found its way across his hip, her chest flush with his as they laid pressed together.

"Doesn't really...feel like mine, anymore" He sighed, softening into the way she was carefully tracing the features on his face. Her finger brushing along the bridge of his nose and over his cheekbones.

"What? the room?" She asked.

Bucky nodded, smiling softly. She was so beautiful. Especially like this. Messy hair and warm skin. A faint sunburn kissed across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose. Wearing his shirt. Tangled in his sheets.

His.

His.

His.

"Happened to me too the first time I went back to my dad's, after I'd left. It was the strangest thing. It's like, I spent my whole life inside those walls, you know? Every important moment. First heartbreak. Getting ready for my first party. Everything that shaped me, happened in that one little space. And as soon as you leave it for good, it just doesn't ever feel like it's yours again." She sighed, a soft smile on her full mouth. Bucky couldn't take his eyes off of it, and he would have kissed her right then, if his heart wasn't pounding in the strangest way.

Almost like he was nervous.

"I've been trying to think of a good name for that." He whispered. It was funny how she always managed to put words to things he'd been incessantly turning over and over in his mind.

"For what?" Cordelia chuckled.

"That really weird, like...almost achy feeling about how some things just stop being the way you remember them. I guess? He whispered.

"Nostalgia" She smiled.

"There's no way that's Nostalgia. I thought Nostalgia was supposed to feel good." He chuckled.

"That's what it is. Longing for stuff that will never be the same? Nostalgia" Cordelia shrugged, letting out a quiet laugh.

"So that's it? The rest of your life is just...longing for everything that has passed?" He challenged, sounding unconvinced but slightly horrified at the possible reality.

"I mean..." Cordelia tilted her head back and forth in a pondering gesture.

"It doesn't bother you that you never know when the last time you do something just passes, and you're completely clueless?" 

"How do you mean?" Cordelia whispered. She enjoyed listening to him talk. Enjoyed listening to him explain. She could lay there and listen to him the entire night. The way he would prove one point by making another. And then contradict himself. And catch himself doing it. And then do it again. It made her smile, just thinking about it. Who would've thought there was so much going on in that head of his.

"Like...okay. So at one point, one of those mornings that I never thought meant much; was the last time we all had breakfast together. Me, my mom, my sister...my dad." He shrugged, looking at Cordelia. Her eyes focused on him, listening intently as she nodded slowly.

"I was probably hung over. Ricki was probably annoyed because my mom kept telling her to stop slouching. Dad was blowing his coffee. And fuck, that used drive me fucking crazy" He gripped Cordelia harder, shaking her lightly to simulate his frustration. It made her laugh. A muffled sound into his chest that made his heart flutter.

"And then, the first proper breakfast we had again after he left and I'd already been away to college for a while...I couldn't help but notice that something was missing. That fucking sound when he blew the coffee" He sighed, a slightly sad smile on his mouth.

"I guess...I just think it's unfair. It's unfair that at some point it was the last day everything was the way I'd always known it, and while I was experiencing it, I had no idea that it was the last time" He whispered.

Cordelia's eyes danced over his, the truest shade of blue she'd ever seen. She brushed his hair back from his face, carefully stroking along his cheek.

"As someone who is...older and wiser—" She began, laughing as Bucky rolled his eyes at her statement. "...No seriously!" She laughed.

"I think, even under the best circumstances, growing up is tragic" She whispered.

"Does it ever stop making you feel sick?" He ran his hand along her back, up beneath the shirt he'd given her.

"If I ever find out, you'll be the first to know" She whispered before pressing her mouth softly to his.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

He'd left the window open last night. He could tell because everything was louder. The cars. The sprinklers. The birds.

Bucky turned over, trying to shield his eyes from the piercing sunlight.

And there she was.

Still in his bed.

They'd agreed on a few more minutes. Just a little more time, before he would sneak her back to his sister's bedroom.

But a few more minutes had turned into another hour. And then one more.

And then suddenly, they were both asleep. Tangled into each other. And morning had snuck its way over the horizon.

But Bucky didn't mind.

Actually, he preferred it this way. Waking up next to her.

Normally, he would dread it. Finding a girl in his bed when he was sure he'd already sent them on their way the night before, while they were both still in a drunken haze. Only to realize they would have to do the awkward dance that followed having a one night stand.

But not with Cordelia.

Not with the way her gentle breaths felt against his chest. And how soft her hair was between his fingers. And her warm skin. And—

"Bucky? Are you awake, honey?" Winnie knocked on the door.

Cordelia's eyes shot open, an expression of terror setting across her face.

"Oh shi–" She began, her voice an urgent whisper before Bucky pressed his hand against her mouth.

"uuuh–yeah?" Bucky dragged his husky words, pretending to still be half asleep. Thankfully, he still sounded like it. 

"Do you know where Delia went? Her car's here but her room's empty." Winnie asked.

Cordelia slapped her palm against her forehead as she realized, and Bucky flinched along with her. This was gonna be a hard one to get out of.

"I think...uh–maybe she walked home? She had a thing...this uh—" Bucky looked at Cordelia helpless as he tried to scramble for words.

"meeting. I had a meeting!" Cordelia mouthed frantically.

"Meeting! She had a meeting. Yeah, something about university faculty— I don't know, Ma" He feigned an irritated groan.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, covering her face in embarrassment.

"University faculty meeting on a Sunday?" Winnie sounded just as surprised as Bucky looked, when he realized that his lie had made no sense whatsoever.

Cordelia stared up at Bucky, her arms crossed and a curious eyebrow raised.

"I don't know...yeah, uh—I'm helping her organize some stuff later today so...I'll ask her about it. Maybe the car just wouldn't start again?" He shrugged at Cordelia, who was covering her mouth to keep from laughing.

"Alright. I wanted to make sure she had something to eat before she left. Oh well, there's some stuff in the fridge for breakfast and I'll be gone for dinner tonight so I left you some money for take-out" Winnie sounded perfectly cheery despite the very odd collection of explanations coming from the other side of the door.

"Thanks Ma..." Bucky managed, embarrassed that Cordelia was hearing every word.

They both held their breath, listening to Winnie's footsteps as she made her way down the stairs and then out the front door.

Bucky could still feel his heart racing, his finger pressed against his lips in a silencing gesture. Neither of them took a single breath of relief until they heard Winnie's car start.

Cordelia looked up at him, mouth drawn in a nervous bitten smile, eyes slightly wide with shock.

"Oh, we were almost fucking toast there for a second" Bucky grinned before rolling onto her, pinning her against the mattress.

It was safe now. Safe to enjoy the sound of her laughter as he blew raspberries into the crook of her neck.

Maybe even safe enough to consider that getting used to this, wouldn't be so terrible.

The house was quiet as they wandered around the kitchen. Bucky pulled out the breakfast from the fridge, and they leaned over each side of the counter as they munched on leftover waffles, berries and whipped cream.

"You're spoiled" Cordelia chuckled.

"What? I am not." Bucky spat back in protest.

"You so are! Big house. Nice room. Breakfast waiting in the fridge. Money for take out? Spoiled" She huffed.

"And what was your house like?" Bucky huffed back, dropping a blueberry into his mouth.

"Well, there were no blueberries for breakfast, that's for sure. If there was breakfast at all." She scoffed to herself.

Bucky blinked at her from across the counter. She'd said it with such a casual tone, like it didn't matter.

Like it was nothing.

But it was something. It did mean something to him.

He looked down at the blueberries. Ripe. Almost too sweet.

Something she should've had. Breakfast. Berries.

He wanted to give her that morning back, even if it was stupid. Even if he could only give her one.

The urge hit Bucky like a storm. Rising fast and loud in his chest.

The crushing urge to fix it.

Suddenly.

It almost made him sweat a bit.

"You okay?" Her lashes fluttered up at him. Her large doe eyes shining like pools of gold in the morning sun.

"Come with me somewhere" He smiled, leaning forward and inching closer to her over the counter.

"Where?" She asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Don't worry about it. Just come with me" He shrugged, that arrogant smile plastered on his face.

"I have work—" Cordelia tried.

"Just come with me. Please." He pressed.

"I don't know..." She sighed, feeling herself give in to his request.

"Yes. It's a yes. I know it's a yes. Yes?" He held her face, tilting her gaze to meet his own. His warm hands felt nice against her cheeks. She didn't mind being close to him like this.

"Fine, but—" She tried, but his lips silenced her attempt at any conditions or any sort of protest. She didn't mind. She kissed him back. It tasted like blueberries and summer. 

Chapter Text

The fields stretched for what seemed like miles. Neatly lined rows of green little shrubs, decorated with red dots.

'Mr.Mason's' the boxes had said, red berries pouring over the top. They could be found at every local grocery store for about 25 miles. His mother would bring home entire crates worth back in the day.

It was a tradition of summer. The very symbol of too much free time, scraped knees, grass stained pants and red-stained mouths.

It had been a random summer day, much like this one, when the boys had been wandering along the very edge of Millbrook. Riding their bikes out to the "Leaving Millbrook, come back soon!" sign was part of the routine. Wandering along the county line, competing to see who dared take the most steps out of their little hometown.

Steve was the one who had found it. The oddly shaped opening in the fence, perfectly hidden by overgrown weeds and climbing vines.

It didn't take them long to realize what they'd found as soon as they'd climbed through.

Mr.Mason's strawberry field.

Usually, the place was on complete lock-down. Especially since they started noticing half picked bushes and missing berries. Gates. Dogs. At some point, he even got a guard at the front. But all these years later, and he was yet to figure out that the secret opening to his goldmine was right under his nose.

Cordelia slowly took her sunglasses off, her mouth hanging open at the sight.

Rows and rows of endless strawberries.

"Holy shit" She whispered. "Bucky, this feels illegal." She shot him a suspicious look, balancing the sunglasses on her head.

"Only if we get caught" He smiled, grabbing her hand and pulling her along.

"These taste so much better stolen." Cordelia mumbled, her mouth full of berries as she picked another one.

They'd found a wide spot between the rows, their shoulders brushing where they laid next to each other.

Bucky had even offered up his jacket as a blanket, protecting them from the soil. He didn't care about the dirt. There were already strawberry stains on everything. Their fingers. Their skin. Their mouths.

"You gotta stop narrating the crime and start eating the evidence" Bucky urged, popping another strawberry into his mouth before pressing one into hers.

Strawberry juice dripped down the side of her chin, her laughter ringing in his ears. Bucky wiped at it with his thumb, licking it clean as he leaned on his elbow.

Cordelia looked up at him, her lashes fluttering as she focused her gaze on his.

"You're staring, Barnes" She whispered, a soft smile on her strawberry stained mouth.

"I think you like it" He narrowed his eyes, leaning over her.

"I like strawberries" She corrected, pretending that her heart wasn't hammering a bit harder when looked at her like that. "You, obviously like danger" She laughed, holding out a strawberry for him to bite into.

"That's what makes it fun" He teased, watching the berry disappear between her lips.

"God, you're young" Cordelia let out a soft huff, her face grimacing into something that looked like embarrassment.

"Not as young as you keep trying to pretend" Bucky countered, earning a pleasantly surprised look.

"You always like pushing lines like this?" Cordelia laced her fingers into the neckline of his shirt, pulling him closer.

"I think I like seeing what happens when I do" Bucky's lips brushed against hers. They were so soft. Sweet. Her mouth was warm against his. Her tongue like velvet.
Cordelia had no idea how she'd ended up here. On the ground. In a strawberry field. With him. But she wasn't as concerned with the how, as she was with the why.

Why she was there.

Why she wanted to be there.

Why it felt like its where she should be.

"Can I ask you something?" His gaze lingered, in the way she would never admit that she kinda liked.

"You just did"

"Alright, smart ass. Can I ask you something else?" Bucky rolled his eyes, trying not to smile as he listened to Cordelia's self-amused giggling.

"Sure" She shrugged.

"What were you like at my age?" His voice was soft, his eyes even softer. It made her feel a bit uneasy. Like he might be seeing right through what she was trying so hard to hide.

"Wow, flirting and age-shaming? A true renaissance man." She feigned offense, her fingers playing with the neckline of his shirt.

"It's not–I'm just...curious" He shrugged, his expression amused.

"Why?" Cordelia huffed, failing at hiding the nervousness in her gaze.

"Because...I know nothing about you" Bucky tangled his fingers into her hair. He liked how soft it was. It was messier than usual. She'd slept on it while it was still wet. He remembered how it had felt as it had stuck to his skin while they laid pressed against each other in his bed.

"Yes, you do!" She argued. She couldn't pretend that it was completely on accident. There were a lot of things she hadn't shared. Many things she'd stopped herself from saying. She'd pulled out each and every attempt at keeping a distance.

"You, ma'm, are an even worse liar than me" He sighed, his expression speaking of accepted defeat.

Cordelia rolled her eyes, feeling the knot in her stomach grow tighter.

"At your age..I was engaged." She mumbled.

Bucky knew. He knew about John. Knew about the divorce. Knew that she'd changed his contact to include the words 'Do not answer'. Knew that he had called her over and over again only yesterday. 28 fucking times to be exact. So why did it still feel like an unwanted surprise?

"Were you happy?" He asked carefully.

"Everybody wants to think they're happy at 21" She chuckled. "I was naive." She sighed.

"Did you love him?" Bucky swallowed hard. He could feel his heart pounding as she looked up at him. Of course, he knew the answer. He wasn't sure what difference hearing it would make. You had to love someone to marry them, right? Maybe the question he'd wanted to ask was 'do you still love him?'

"I–"

"Hey! Who's there?!" Someone shouted.

Bucky and Cordelia looked at each other, eyes wide, backs straightening, breaths held.

They had been caught.

At the far end of the row, there was a small silhouette of a pot bellied man trudging through the dirt, shouting and waving his hands.

"shit...shit, we gotta go" Bucky urged, jumping to his feet and dragging Cordelia up with him.

"who is that?" Cordelia scrambled for her things.

"That's...uh—security. Go. Go. Go!" Bucky laughed, grabbing his jacket off the ground as he took Cordelia's hand in the other.

They began to sprint.

Jumping over the strawberry bushes, laughing as they tried to put more and more distance between themselves and Mr. Mason's head of security.

"Come back here! This is private property, you are trespassing! The police are on their way!"

Cordelia's heart was pounding, the adrenaline pumping in her veins as she ran. Her hair flying in all directions, her eyes fastened on Bucky as he pulled her along. The way his nose scrunched from laugher, his eyes turning almost into slits. For a split second everything felt quiet. There was a strange buzzing in her ears. Maybe it was the excitement. The rush.

Maybe it was something else.

They squeezed through the opening, skin scraping against the broken fence as they escaped into freedom.

"Catch!" Cordelia giggled, throwing him the car keys.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The sun had already passed the highest point in the sky when Bucky turned down on the tree lined road, winding its way along the foot of the hill.

Though the sky was clear, the trees kept the sun mostly hidden. The forest echoed with the sounds of critters and birds. The soft breaking of branches and the way the tires of Cordelia's car sounded as it rolled against the forest floor.

He'd figured this was as good a hiding spot as any, seeing as they were now wanted criminals on the run. No one would think to look here. No one knew this place even existed except for a handful of people.

Soon enough, the trees started to part and a large stretch of grass revealed itself as Bucky drove out of the woods.

Flowers were crowding the tall grass towards the drop. Yellow. Pink. White. They all danced in the light summer breeze, their faces turned towards the sun. The sound of it was calm. A soft rustling that filled the air with something soothing.

It was beautiful.

Cordelia's eyes danced along every detail from the car window as Bucky drove carefully onto the very top of the hill, parking along the view.

"What is this place?" She stepped out, taking in the sight as she walked closer towards the edge. All of Millbrook was visible from up here. It was like looking at a map of the town.

The grocery store.

The neighborhoods.

The little streets.

Bucky's House.

The museum, even.

"It's nice, right?" Bucky smiled, nervously walking up next to her.

"Bucky, this is beautiful! Look, that's my house!" She giggled, pointing excitedly.

"My friends and I stumbled across it years ago. We were playing in the woods and wandered a bit too far, and..." He shrugged and gestured out over the view.

"No one else knows about this place?"

"I don't know. I've never seen anyone else here. I usually just come to read, or...hang out" He tucked his hands in his pockets, a bit too shy to share he would come here to think.

It was just now hitting him how personal this felt.

He'd never really shared this spot with anyone else. Sam and Steve had thought the time it took to get up there wasn't worth the view of a town they'd already seen every crevice of.

And of course, there was that time with Lisa.

But she didn't really care for the mosquitoes and some of the flowers made her sneeze.

But to Bucky it was something more.

He could see his entire future from here. At least the future he'd once dreaded. And in a lot of ways, still dreaded.

He could see every person's daily routine from here.

He'd been up here the first time he realized how small Millbrook actually was. It was the same day he'd realized that he wanted to be somewhere the view was too large to see all at once. Somewhere it stretched further than he could imagine.

Hoping he would end up doing something he had never expected.

In a place he'd never thought of.

With someone he didn't know yet.

And there she was.

Standing right in that view. And oddly enough, it looked just right.

"God, I really need to cut the grass" Cordelia groaned, making Bucky laugh.

The sun was beaming down over them. The hood of Cordelia's car had a nice wide slant, letting her lean back against the windshield while she mindlessly ran her fingers through his hair.

Bucky's breaths came in slow and deep, his face pressed to her soft thighs. Each time he felt the scrape of her nails against his scalp, he was threatened to be coaxed into blissful sleep. 

The air was warm and the breeze forgiving as it blew the scent of her hair into the wind, whirling around the hilltop.

"You think I could pay some kids to cut the grass? Seriously, it looks terrible." She sighed.

"Definitely. I cut so much grass as a kid." He chuckled, trying to stop himself from drooling. He wasn't sure how he'd ended up here. How he'd gotten so fucking lucky. Who or what had decided he was deserving of this. But he wasn't going to argue with it.

"Did you ever cut grass for the Walkers?" She chuckled suggestively.

"No. No one did" Bucky opened his eyes, still squinting as he turned to look up at her.

"Why not?" She smiled down at him, brushing his hair back. It really wasn't fair how gorgeous he was. The sun beamed against his clear blue eyes, the soft pout of his mouth and that little dimple in his chin.

Bucky stretched, sliding his arm beneath her legs, chasing the feeling of her skin against his.

"I don't know, I think maybe his dad didn't really like having anyone on the property" He shrugged. It was a lie. He knew what a terror that house had been. The entire street lived in some degree of unease about John's father.

"Yeah...I've heard some stories" Cordelia spoke softly, her eyes dancing over the view of Millbrook. "I did love John. I didn't get a chance to give you an answer earlier." She muttered.

Bucky sat up carefully, leaning back against the windshield. His shoulder brushing against hers. He wasn't sure what he had expected to hear. He wasn't sure why he felt so disappointed.

"Oh..." He mumbled.

"Did you think I would say something else?" She whispered.

"I don't know...I guess I just don't really understand how you go from loving someone, to not loving them" He shrugged. "Or did you just never love them to begin with?".

"I don't know. What do you think?" Cordelia's voice was light hearted as she bumped her shoulder against his.

"I don't know. My parents seemed like they were in love, and then one day they weren't. My dad seemed like he loved us, and then one day he had a new family. Not sure what that means." He shrugged.

"You still talk to him?" Cordelia shifted, watching him intently.

Bucky huffed, feeling how the pressure in his chest was building.

"When I'm not angry at him" He managed.

"Are you ever not?" She whispered.

"Rarely" He took a deep breath.

"I get it." Cordelia sighed, turning her gaze back to the sky.

"Yeah?" Bucky huffed.

"My dad was a big drinker. Still is, I'm sure. I wouldn't know. We don't really talk anymore. He was mean. Bitter. Angry. You know, all the good stuff" She chuckled. "He rarely paid rent on time. Usually passed out in the bathroom. Broke things when he got angry. Yelled a lot. Hmm, what else? Oh—he nearly burned down our shitty one-bedroom shack once. Left the oven on."

"Alright, you win." He sighed.

Cordelia laughed, shoving him playfully.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad. Bad enough for me to wanna run away with John Walker" She grimaced.

"Oh god, don't tell me that's what happened" Bucky fixed his eyes on her, arms crossed over his chest.

"That is exactly what happened. Unfortunately." Cordelia sighed. "I had this dumb fucking dream; house in the suburbs, kids, a dog," she sighed.

"And?" Bucky whispered.

"And then I realized I didn't want it. Any of it. And that I had left one angry drunk man and ran right into the arms of another." She mumbled, her voice soft but her gaze distant.

"Sounds familiar. Not the—the drunk part. But the house in the suburbs part" He chuckled.

"You mean Lisa wasn't a drunk?" Cordelia teased, making him laugh.

"No. No, Lisa doesn't have time to be a drunk. She's been on a tightly planned life schedule since the fucking sandbox. Valedictorian. Ivy League. Married by 25. Big Colonial style house with a porch. Two kids by 35. Always knew exactly what she wanted."

"And you?" Cordelia's eyes wandered far enough this time to find his.

"One day I just realized I didn't want it. Any of it" He smiled, echoing her exact words right back at her. "But it took me a while. She was my first everything. I had never even considered what it would be like to not have all my other firsts with her too."

"I think that's kinda sweet. In a sad way, I guess" Cordelia whispered.

"Yeah, I think that was the problem. It was all too...neat? Felt...scripted, in a way." He ran a hand through his hair.

"Did it at least feel special? All your firsts? The big one?" Cordelia inched closer, teasing. Unaware that she was brushing her hand against his.

"At the time, I thought so. Looking back, I'm not so sure. It felt like something I was supposed to be doing. Like ticking a box, you know?" He shrugged.

"Let me guess. Back seat of the car with a view, and a playlist you made just for her?"

"Wow. That predictable, huh?" Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose, his cheeks growing warm as Cordelia laughed. He was glad the sun had already painted the sky pink. Maybe it would hide how hard he was blushing. 

"Don't mock the playlist. I spent hours on that thing" Bucky argued.

"Hey, I'm a fan of a good playlist. Mood matters! I wish someone would've made me a playlist." She pulled her knees to her chest. It was starting to get colder. "So what was it like?" She whispered, her cheek resting on her knees as she swayed side to side, her eyes searching the embarrassed expression on his face.

"Uhm—Awkward. Quiet. I kept asking her if she was okay. Eventually she told me to shut up and just...do it." He laughed, remembering the clumsy and terrifying moment.

"Sounds painfully polite" Cordelia grinned.

"It was. I think I thought I was making some kind of memory. I just didn't realize it'd be kind of a boring one." Bucky sighed.

"I don't mind boring. Kinda wish my first time was boring" Cordelia smiled.

"What was yours like?" Bucky leaned closer, intrigued.

"I was...fifteen? Yeah, fifteen. He was...older. Lived in his parents basement. He had this really bad soul patch. Drove a Civic with a spoiler. It was fast, and awkward. And it smelled like...cinnamon gum and weed?" Cordelia tried not to relive it too much.

"That's...a lot to unpack" Bucky blinked hard.

"Shut up. I was...trying to–I don't know what I was trying to do. Feel older? Different? Like I had control over something." Cordelia shrugged.

"Did you?"

"No. Not really. I just kinda wanted it to be over. And then five minutes later, it was" She chuckled.

"I'm sorry. You deserved a playlist" Bucky pushed his shoulder against hers in some sort of solidarity.

"It's okay. I've had a lot of good firsts since then" She shrugged, catching the mischief in his eyes.

"Oh yeah?" He teased.

"Stop it—"

"Like, which one? Like, recently? Maybe?" Bucky pushed himself closer, demanding an answer.

"Don't start—" Cordelia laughed, unable to resist his touch. She melted right into him, laughing as he pressed over and over again. Pulling her into his arms.

"Come on, you can rate it. I won't be upset. It's gotta be at least top 5? It's in the top 5, right?"

"I am never answering that question because it would make your head bigger than it already is!" She laughed, her hands pressed to his chest.

"Holy shit, it's in the top 3. Isn't it? Cordelia! Seriously, is it top 3?"

Chapter Text

The chirping of the birds echoed loudly as they settled into the tree tops above them. The breeze was cooler now, hitting Cordelia's sunkissed skin. Her fingers were tangled into his hair, his mouth wandering along her body. His tongue was soft and warm, slipping against the curve of her throat. Finding the little dip right above her collarbone. The soft spot below her ear. Along the curve of her shoulder.

The hood of the car had cooled down, and the view was painted with soft hues of pink, painting her like something from a dream. The light bouncing off her skin.

Bucky couldn't stop looking at her. The scattered pieces of clothing echoing their urgency. Her panties hanging around her ankle. His pants pulled down just enough. Her hand wandering beneath his shirt. Shoes still on. They hadn't even made it inside the car.

Hadn't even bothered to be quiet. Hadn't even worried about anyone seeing them.

It didn't matter. All Bucky wanted was her. As quickly as possible. As deeply, and thoroughly, and close as possible.

Her soft mouth tasted like the berries they'd been eating. Like sweetness and hunger and the most obvious choice of his life.

All his fear felt so far away. All his dread.

He was tangled into her. Her legs wrapped around him, pushing him deeper, pulling him closer.

Every inch of his skin felt like it was vibrating. Like he was on the verge of total collapse. His hands in her hair, pulling her face closer. His eyes locked on hers. His lips brushing against hers as he drank in every desperate moan that left her. He wanted all of it. All of her.

There were words.

But mumbled.

And quick.

And mixed with breath. And pouring out between desirous kisses.

He caught a few whispers of "please". Another few of "yes".

But mostly his name. And the way it sounded as it came gasping out of her. Sometimes soft. Sometimes suddenly raw and urgent.

Bucky's blood was rushing in his ears. His core tightening. His legs shaking.

He wanted to close his eyes. Close them tightly, so that it could all stick. So that he could remember every single detail.

The way she sounded. They way her skin felt against his. The smell of her hair. The feeling of her eyelashes fluttering against his cheek. How her lips parted. The echo of her voice, even if he'd never remember the exact words.

The way everything was spinning, and how he dug his fingers into her supple skin as everything drained from him at once.

All breath. All strength. All force.

Everything was soft and soaked and dizzying. Like they'd melted right into each other.

And so warm.

Slick with heat. Drenched in her. Drenched in all of it.

Pulsing.

Everything was pulsing.

He could feel his heartbeat in his fingertips.

It was washing over him like a wave. Calmness. Bliss.

He pressed his chest against hers. Welcoming the feeling of her arms wrapped over his back.

She pressed soft kisses to his forehead. Holding onto him like he might drift away if she didn't. Her hand moving along his head, tugging softly at the ends of his hair.

He could hear it. Her heartbeat hammering against his ear. Her breathing like crashes from the ocean. Pulling him back and sending him out. Drowning him.

Bucky finally found enough strength to lift his head. His eyes landing on her satisfied gaze. Her grin wide as she blinked up at him. Her palm pressed against his cheek. The gentle brush of her fingertips as she tugged at his chin, pulling his mouth back to hers. Like she'd missed him. Like she too, couldn't get enough.

Something was simmering beneath his skin. It had been calm at first, but now it was rolling. And certain to erupt. To boil over.

Bucky had never fucked up worse than this.

He'd managed to keep a straight head about most things despite being young and slightly less experienced about the matters of the heart.

But he couldn't keep denying that it was about to get very fucking complicated.

He knew he had never been in more trouble.

But it was the best kind.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

It was almost fully dark as Cordelia turned in on Maple Hollow Drive. The lights in the Barnes house were still off. The screen door swayed slightly in the wind, the old basketball hoop laid against the concrete driveway.

The sound of the suburban street was oddly loud for being so quiet.

They shared the silence. Strangely comfortable.

"I had—"

"It was ni—"

They both blurted out at the same time.

"It was nice. Today." She whispered, turned towards him.

"Yeah. It was." Bucky smiled.

"Thank you, for pulling me out of my routine. I needed it" She sighed.

"Anytime" He grinned, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt as they both fell quiet again.

"Tomorrow at eight? We have work to catch up on." She cleared her throat, trying to find the steadiness in her voice.

"Sure. I'll grab some coffee on the way" Bucky whispered, his eyes wandering over her slowly, his pouty mouth drawn in a soft smile.

She was so beautiful like this. A bit disheveled. Her clothes thrown back on in a rush, slightly contorted. Just like his. Her hair a mess from the wind as they'd driven with the windows down. Her skin even more tanned. Her shoes a bit dirty.

"Sounds good" She whispered back.

They'd done this before. Parting ways at the end of the night or beginning of the day. Walking away after hours of being tangled. Of swallowing each other's cries and tasting each other's skin.

She wasn't sure why this felt so different.

Bucky wanted to ask her to stay. To spend another night. To be in his bed when he woke up tomorrow. Or let him be in hers.

But he wouldn't. He shouldn't.

The distant brightness from the streetlights was tilting in through the car window, the shadows hiding the look in her eyes.

"You should probably get inside, before someone sees—" She began, her eyes focused on his mouth as he leaned closer. She didn't move. She just let him press his lips to hers.

His hand was soft as he cupped her face, his thumb sliding against her cheek. Holding her in place. It wasn't a kiss. It was a taste. His tongue slowly dancing against hers. There was no need to pull her closer, because she fell right into him. She didn't even care if anyone saw. If everyone saw.

Their mouths parted carefully, his lips still brushing against hers.

"Tomorrow at eight" He whispered, his thumb sliding along her chin, brushing against her bottom lip.

"Tomorrow at eight" She managed a nod, her words barely a breath.

Chapter Text

Bucky was fading out to the tune of some Bon Iver song. He hadn't been this high in a while. His skin was warm and buzzing, his eyes closed as he drew deep breaths, an arm resting over his face.

It was an odd day where Steve had suggested they do absolutely nothing. Which was Bucky's favorite thing to do, except for his other new found favorite activity, which involved anything where he got to be pressed up against Cordelia. But this came in at a pretty good second place.

At one point in time, a day like this would have done numbers at the lake. There would've been cheap beer, staticy music playing from half blown out speakers and a stink of weed that stretched to the next state line.

But now it was empty.

"Do you remember the last party we had here, senior year? Like two weeks before graduation?" Steve suddenly chuckled.

"uh...barely" Bucky huffed. The few things he did remember was running on the dock with lit sprinklers in his hands. And trying to wrestle a bottle of moonshine back from Sam that was labeled 'Maybe Gasoline'. He also remembered Lisa crying. But he couldn't be too sure it was that exact night. She'd cried a lot during those few weeks, when they'd decided to break up. Or he had decided. Or whatever. Life had a different flavor then. Something that spoke of excitement and the unknown. Something that was much less scary than knowing exactly everything.

"Scott fell out of that tree after trying to do a tightrope walk on those string lights someone had rigged" Steve nodded towards the two large oak trees across from each other.

"Oh, that's right!" Bucky sat up, suddenly remembering a very drunk Scott rolling to the ground, cheers erupting as he claimed himself to be an unsinkable ship.

"And I hooked up with Sharon Carter that night," Steve confessed with a reminiscent sigh.

Bucky turned his head so fast his neck almost caught a cramp.

"What?!" He spat.

"Yeah. Up behind that big rock where people used to go to make out" Steve chuckled.

"What the fuck did I miss?" Bucky reached for another bottle of beer in the cooler.

"I don't know. You were running around drunk with firecrackers in your hands. It's a wonder you didn't blow an arm off." Steve laughed.

"Huh...Sharon Carter. Interesting choice." Bucky took a sip of his beer.

"Yeah. So is Cordelia Dexter" Steve said it so casually, that Bucky almost didn't catch it. The few seconds of silence felt like forever before realization dawned on him.

And then he was choking.

Beer sprayed everywhere, pouring out of his mouth as he wheezed for breath through strained coughs.

"Come on. That's a bit dramatic" Steve laughed.

"What?" Bucky finally managed, peeling his beer soaked shirt from his chest.

"I'm not stupid, Buck" Steve scoffed. "And you? You're not very discreet".

"Okay. Alright. Pause–" Bucky looked at his friend, wide eyed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what, exactly?" Bucky urged.

"That you're sleeping with your mother's friend?" Steve sighed.

"Woah. okay, let's—" Bucky tried.

"What?" Steve shrugged, a sly smile on his mouth.

"We're not sleeping to—"

"Oh, so you're a thing? Steve asked, eyebrows raised.

"No...we're—where is this coming from?" Bucky felt like this was a bad prank.

"What are you doing, Bucky?" Steve's voice was sharper now.

"I'm..." Bucky ran a hand through his hair. He felt like he'd been smacked with a frying pan. He was too high to have this conversation.

"I'm worried about you. You're acting reckless" Steve sat up in his chair, practically hissing at him.

"Reckless? Alright, let's calm down—"

"That's why you didn't show up to the bonfire, right? You were with her." Steve asked carefully.

There was no point in trying to argue around it anymore. Bucky was caught. He was just glad it was Steve.

"Yeah..." He mumbled, kicking at the rocks by his feet.

"You should be careful, man. I don't think you're ready for all of that" Steve sighed.

"What does that mean?" Bucky scoffed, eyes sharp as he shot a look at his friend.

"It just means...she's in a different tier. I know you're doing your college thing, living away from home and what not. And that's cool but, she's like...an actual grown up" Steve shrugged.

Bucky sank back into his chair. He was right. Steve was always right.

"You know...a few nights ago, I wanted to tell you. So that you could talk me out of the whole thing" Bucky mumbled, running his hands over his face.

"And then?" Steve chuckled.

"And then...It started feeling like a stupid idea, ruining what's probably the best thing I've ever had." Bucky took a deep breath.

"You like her, huh?" Steve looked at him like he already knew the answer.

Bucky didn't say a word, he just stared back at his friend before looking away. He crossed his arms, biting the inside of his cheek as he stared out over the water.

"How'd you figure it out?" He finally mustered enough courage to ask.

"You'd get all weird when I would bring her up. All that pushing about her not being that much older. I mean, obvious much? Anyways, at first I thought you might just have a thing for her. Like, a crush. I mean, she is very pretty." Steve shrugged.

"And then?" Bucky asked, terrified of what the answer was going to be.

"Well, and then—the pool party."

"What about it?" Bucky grimaced nervously.

"Aside from the way you were looking at her? It was the Advil thing."

"The Advil thing?"

"Yeah. The Advil thing. Remember you said you were gonna go inside and grab some Advil?"

"Yeah..." Bucky looked on curiously.

"Well...you never gave me any Advil. Ms. Del–Sorry. Delia walked out. And then not one minute later, you walked out. No Advil. Flushed. Couldn't even look at me straight. That's when I knew for sure." Steve shrugged.

Bucky wanted to sink through the ground. He leaned forward in his chair, taking another sip of his beer before letting his head fall into his hands.

"I didn't mean to lie. It just—I–"

"I know you didn't. It's okay"

"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, Steve." Bucky groaned.

"I know, bud. I know." Steve sighed, clapping him on the back.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Bucky felt lighter. He hadn't realized how much keeping this secret had been weighing on him. Although, after about two hours of conversation with Steve—who was still incredibly skeptical about the entire ordeal, and Sam—who was unable to provide any actual advice over the phone without laughing hysterically at the circumstances, it still felt nice. It was the first time in longer than he could remember, that he was sharing something with the people closest to him again.

But despite all the logic, and reasoning, and very good points Steve had, Bucky had decided not to listen. He had decided that Steve might always be right, but Bucky knew better.

He was turning into Cordelia's driveway when he saw the car. An older Cadillac with a custom license plate. Deep cherry red.

He parked behind it, stepping out and passing it as he made his way to the door.

Maybe he should've called, or texted first.

He could hear mumbling coming from the other side of the door before he knocked.

"Who the hell is that?" He could hear someone shouting. A voice that sounded strangely familiar.

The door creaked open, and Cordelia was clinging to it. Her eyes a bit wide, her lips parted in surprise.

"Bucky..." She finally breathed.

"Hey, I just—"

"What are you doing here?" She blurted out, interrupting him as she pulled on the door, blocking the view.

"Who is it?" The voice echoed louder. Bucky's stomach twisted. Suddenly, it wasn't too hard to place.

"I was just driving by—I know we said maybe later, but—" Bucky mumbled, his eyes darting towards the far end of the house as John Walker stepped out from behind the wall.

"Bucky? Bucky Barnes?" John scoffed, his eyes narrowing in surprise as he walked closer. He could see Cordelia's shoulders tightening, her breath more focused as her full mouth tugged into a thin line.

"Hey" Bucky nodded at him, he could feel the rage building in his chest.

"Holy shit man, you got tall! Still got that baby face, though. This guy was—" John began, leaning against the door frame. Bucky could feel the vein in his temple pulsing at the sight of him standing so close to her. Like he belonged in that fucking house. Like he belonged with her.

"Can you not?" Cordelia snapped at him, her eyes sharp. But it only made John smile.

"What? I'm being friendly. We go way back. Don't we, Barnes?" He snickered. It was fucking infuriating. He'd always been infuriating. Bucky could feel the blood rushing in his ears, his voice stiff and his eyes blank as he looked John in the face.

"Right" He managed.

"uh—Come back tomorrow? Please?" Cordelia's voice softened, her eyes searching for Bucky's. But he was looking at John. The heat in his body rising with every second that passed.

"Yeah. Sure." Bucky finally responded. Short. Clipped.

"Okay. Thanks" Cordelia's expression swam with relief and guilt as she pulled the door shut.

"What the hell was that?" John's snappy voice echoed even through the closed door.

"I told you, he's helping me organize the research" Bucky could hear Cordelia's words turn into a mumble as they moved further into the house, leaving him standing in the silence of crickets on her front steps.

His foot was a bit heavier on the gas as he drove home. He barged through the door, happy that the house was empty as he slammed his bedroom door closed.

His heart was racing. His fingers tingling. He was irritated.

No. That was an understatement.

Mad? Upset?

That felt closer to it.

Fucking sick.

That's what it actually was.

Bucky had felt more sure about his feelings lately, but it didn't mean he felt sure about his place in Cordelia's life. And there he was. Face to face with a man who'd had it. Who'd won her over. Who'd made her consider the actual weight of a shared life.

Who was he to compete with that?

Steve's words echoed like ridicule in the back of his mind.

"She's like an actual grown up".

"She's had a whole life we haven't even began to grasp yet"

"She was married, Bucky. That's not a small thing."

Married.

Married.

Fucking married to John fucking Walker.

And now he was in her house. With her. Alone.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What the fuck was he even doing there?

Bucky paced, his eyes darting to his phone.

He waited.

She would call. Or text. She would. There was an explanation. Surely, a perfectly fine one too.

Suddenly he remembered how adamant she'd been about him doing what he wanted. About not holding him hostage. About her rules.

Whatever had started as nerves, was now a full fledged downwards spiral. And then his phone buzzed.

Cordelia

I'm so sorry.

There was an incessant twitching in his jaw as he drove back to her house. He hadn't even stopped to answer her text message. He'd just hopped back into his car.

Her driveway was empty now. And he drove up the odd winding path and walked back around the house.

His steps felt heavy, his heart beating as he walked closer to her front door. He felt a bit clammy, and nauseous even.

It was fucking stupid.

He had no right. No right at all.

His hand reached for the door, barely managing one soft knock before it flew open.

Cordelia's grip around his wrist was stern as she pulled him over the threshold. She crashed against him, her chest flush against his as she pressed her mouth onto his.

He kissed her back.

There was nothing else to do. Relief washed over his body as his mouth moved against hers. His hands finding her face, holding her close as she ripped at his clothes.

"Fuck me" Her words a soft whisper against his mouth.

"We shoul—"

"No. I want you now" She pulled him further in, her hands working the zipper of his pants. Bucky felt unsteady, like the heat from all that rage was still boiling beneath his skin. Like steam rising from his body.

They stumbled into the living room, trying their best to side step every piece of furniture until they clumsily fell onto the couch.

Bucky's mouth was everywhere. Everywhere he could reach. Everywhere he could taste. She smelled like coffee that had been brewing for too long, and something sweet. He could never pinpoint exactly what it was. Maybe it was just her. Her skin.

Piece by piece it all came off. Urgently. Ripping and tearing. Loud breaths and soft mumbles, until he could feel her skin against his. Soft. Nothing was separating them anymore.

Nothing but that strange sense of something unspoken that hung above him like a dark cloud.

Cordelia's cheeks were flushed, her lips parted softly as she brushing her tongue along his bottom lip, coaxing a soft moan from him as he slipped the head of his cock against her wet folds.

It was so warm. Her arousal sticky against the pulsing between his legs. His fingers trembling as he guided himself into her.

He could feel her stretching around his girth, her hips rolling against him as he sank deeper, and deeper, and deeper, until he couldn't get any further. Any closer. Everything was pulsing. His cock. His breath. His heart.

There wasn't time to speak. He just moved. Slowly. Certainly. Watching her eyebrows knit together as she clawed at him, her nails breaking skin as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

Soon everything was a blur. There was no telling where he ended and she began. The legs of the couch screeched against the floorboards as Bucky drilled into her, her cries filling the silence. She held his face between her hands, eyes locked on his mouth, dancing over his piercing blue eyes as they rested against hers.

He could feel it again. That strange feeling in his chest. The way it radiated through every limb in his body. He wrapped his hand around her wrist, trying to manage the words through his breath. The words he'd been fighting for weeks.

He was about to say it.

He could feel it.

He was about to say something really fucking stupid. 

"Cordelia—" He whispered.

"Don't–" She kissed him, her moans vibrating against his mouth as she fluttered around his cock. Pulling him in.

Every part of his body tightened as he tipped over the edge. His climax making him dizzy as he settled himself deep inside of her, the warmth leaving him and filling her up. His legs shaking, moving slower, deeper.

She took it all. Pressing him closer, her lips brushing against his as she let quiet, almost exhausted breaths escape.

His body grew heavy, his weight pinning her down on the couch as he slumped into something close to bliss.

The air was cold. The sun had set and it was still dark in the house. They hadn't moved from the couch. Hadn't bothered getting up or getting dressed. Bucky tried to pretend whatever he'd walked into earlier wasn't eating at him alive. Like he didn't care. But his stomach still felt kinda funny, and his skin was still hot in a way he didn't like.

They hadn't talked. Just soft breaths and lingering touches. Just the gentle kisses he'd left against her skin, dragging his lips along the side of her waist. His hand wandering along her hip, down her leg. His fingers brushing against the dip in her spine, curling over the two little dimples at the small of her back. Just her fingers playing in his hair. Tracing the line of his jaw, moving against the curve of his neck, the shape of his shoulder.

Her eyes were closed, but he could see them fluttering slightly. He wondered what she was thinking.

He always did. He could never tell.

"Cordelia" He tried again, his voice careful.

"mhmm" She mumbled, her breathing calm.

"Can we talk about it, please?" He whispered, looking up at her.

"No" She mumbled, letting her feet slip off the couch as she looked for her clothes.

Bucky watched her, frustration tugging at the strings in his chest.

"What, you're just deciding that for the both of us?" He asked, his voice a little sharper.

"I don't want to talk about it" She sighed, pulling her underwear from the floor. She slipped them over her legs, making Bucky sit back up as she pulled them over her hips.

"Cordelia, I came to your house and the person you were married to was in here, and you don't think you owe me an explanation?"

"I don't" She mumbled, getting off the couch and reaching for the rest of her clothes.

"Okay. At the very least...some clarification? Some—I don't know, context?" He pressed again, his patience growing thinner.

"He's dragging things out. It's what he fucking does. I'm trying to sell the house and he—he wanted to see me, and I agreed if he'd promise to sign the papers—"

"Wait. You're still married to him?" Bucky's eyes narrowed, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"Legally...yes. But–" Cordelia ran a hand through her hair, reaching for the light switch.

"So you have a husband. And me." Bucky scoffed, grabbing for his own clothes.

"No. I have a soon to be ex-husband, and you—"

"Great. So what am I?" Bucky's eyes flashed against hers, catching her somewhere she'd never been caught before. Right out in the open.

"Bucky, can we not do this right now. Please?" She sighed, her voice soft as she balanced her hands on her hips.

"Okay, so when is a good time for you?" He shrugged.

"Bucky..."

"When is a good time for you? When is the most convenient time for us to talk about what the fuck we're doing here, Cordelia?" His voice was sharp, he could feel his blood rushing in his veins.

"I knew this was gonna fucking happen" She sighed, crossing her arms as she looked up at the ceiling.

"Right. Like you're not just as fucking guilty" Bucky spat, zipping his pants back up.

"That's not fair"

"I'm not trying to be fair. I'm trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing here" He scoffed to himself.

"You came here!" Cordelia snapped, her voice louder.

"Yeah. I did. I keep doing that. I keep coming here. And you keep letting me in like it doesn't mean anything" He snapped back.

"It shouldn't!"

"Jesus Christ, you're giving me fucking whiplash, you know that?" Bucky pulled his shirt on.

"Look, I don't know what you want from me. I told you from the beginning—"

"What I want? God, you're so fucking—I'll tell you what I want. I want to have a conversation with you without feeling like I need a wrench, an explosive and a fucking safe combination to get you to tell me anything about yourself. I wanna not feel like I'm just spilling my guts, and sharing all the fucked up shit about myself to someone who can't even be bothered to tell me she is still fucking married!" He was shouting now. Somewhere along the way he'd lost his composure. The lid had blown off.

"Bucky, you don't have access to what I think and feel just because we fuck. You're not my boyfriend!" She shouted back.

"Oh, I know. I'm just some kid you call when you feel lonely. Sure. You use me, I use you. Whatever. Have it your fucking way" Bucky laughed through the rage that was boiling in his gut. It felt like friction against his bones.

Cordelia could feel the lump in her throat, her heart sinking at the deep cut his words made.

"My fucking way? You think any of this is my fucking way?" She scoffed.

"Everything is your fucking way, Cordelia! And if it's not, you shut down. Like right fucking now. You won't even look me in the face and admit that you feel something—"

"I don't" Cordelia's voice was cold. Her eyes drilling into his.

"You're fucking lying. And you're not very good at it." Bucky scoffed.

"Congratulations Bucky, you're fucking charming. It doesn't mean I wrote a whole fucking future around it" She whispered, her voice sharp. Almost dismissive.

"I know you didn't. You'd need to at least have an idea about what the fuck you want to do with your life, to write a future around anything." His words stung like venom. Her eyes danced against his cold stare.

His heart did a funny double beat. His breath caught a bit in his throat. He'd regretted it as soon as he'd said it.

"Leave" She whispered.

Bucky could feel the heat setting. He could feel the guilt like a bolt of electricity through his chest.

"fuck...Cordelia, I'm sorry—" He tried, his voice soft again.

"I said, leave" She stepped away, twisting away from him as he reached for her. It wasn't angry. It wasn't loud. She sounded irritated. Disgusted. Which was worse. So much fucking worse.

Bucky felt sick again. His heart pounding in his ears as he watched her turn away from him. He'd fucked up. Big time. He'd ruined it. He'd fucking ruined it, like he ruins everything.

The silence was thick, and every second that passed felt like an eternity.

"Fine" He mumbled, stepping into his shoes and leaving.

The door closed with a soft creak, and Cordelia finally let out the gasp in her throat. The lump unraveled as tears started to fall.

She wiped at them quickly, trying to steady her breath.

The house was quiet again. The breeze buzzing through one of the half open windows.

Her skin cold again.

His scent gone.

Chapter Text

"Wait, so what did you say after that?" Steve asked, a curious eyebrow raised.

"I don't know...something stupid" Bucky groaned, picking at the slice of pizza on his plate. It was hard to eat. Hard to drink. Hard to sleep. All he could think about was Cordelia. And how distant she sounded. And how she'd asked him to leave. And how she wouldn't even look at him. And how she hadn't called. or texted.

"How long has it been?" Steve asked carefully.

"Four days." Bucky sighed. It was actually four days and about 9 hours. But he didn't want to share that desperate detail.

"Shit" Steve sighed, scratching the back of his head. "yeah...I'm not sure how to fix this one, man." Steve gave his friend a regretful look.

"There's nothing to fix. I already ruined it beyond repair" Bucky mumbled.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Buck. Maybe this is a good thing" Steve shrugged.

"How is this possibly a good thing?" Bucky narrowed his eyes, arms crossed as he leaned back in his chair.

The Rogers house was something like a second home. But not even this place felt right anymore. The pool house—where Steve now lived—had been the subject of endless nights where plans had been made. About girls. About parties. About life. Promises and pacts. Revelations. Talking each other off the ledge; mostly pertaining to himself, if he was being honest.

"This is messy stuff, Buck. I mean, ex-husbands? You don't wanna get stuck in the middle of a divorce." Steve mumbled, trying to offer comfort the best way he knew how.

"Already did" He shrugged.

"Seriously, Bucky. It sounds ugly. And you could use some peace. If it's really nothing but sex, just break it off. And if peace isn't tempting enough, then it would do you good to remember that John Walker is fucking crazy" Steve raised his eyebrows in warning, taking a bite of his own slice.

"He's an asshole. He's not crazy." Bucky mumbled, his forehead resting on his arms, slumped over the table.

"I don't know. I heard he hit some guy with his car and then backed over him—"

"What? when was—actually, don't answer that. I don't wanna know. And I don't even care about John." Bucky sighed.

"Isn't that the entire reason you had a fight? Cause you care about John?"

"Rogers, what are you doing right now?" Bucky looked at his friend, confused and annoyed.

"I'm just saying, it's obvious you care about John. Otherwise you wouldn't have wanted to have a conversation about it. Right?" Steve shrugged.

"Well...yeah, but—"

"But?"

"That's not what it was about. It was about whether she feels something—"

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Feel something for her?" Steve's eyes were blank, like he had asked the easiest question in the world. Like it was just about answering it, and not about what it meant.

"we're not talking about that right now—" Bucky sighed

"Well, we have to get to the solution. That's what this crisis meeting is about, right?"

"It's not a crisis meeting" Bucky rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, you kinda look like you're in a crisis"

"Steve. Do you have a point or..." Bucky snapped.

"Sorry. My point is, do you feel like you have...feelings about...feeling something for her—"

"Okay, you lost me at the first 'feel' " Bucky sighed.

"Are you in love with her?"

"I—I don't know" Bucky stared at his friend just as blankly, finally realizing how unfair it had been to demand an answer to a question he wasn't even ready to answer himself.

"Well you better figure it out. Cause if the answer is yes, then John Walker is the least of your worries".

Bucky was dumbfounded. Silently watching Steve scarf down another slice of pizza.

"Eat your food. It'll get cold" He pointed to Bucky's plate.

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It had been 5 days and some change. Actually 5 days and 45 minutes since he'd left her house and driven home after possibly having ruined any chance of seeing her again.

And there it was.

Her name.

Across his phone screen.

He'd almost hung up. Almost decided to ignore the call. No matter who it was from. When he'd reached for his phone he was going to hit the lock button and turn back into his book, burying his nose between the pages of another Dostoyevsky novel.

But there it was.

'Cordelia'.

He panicked. Heat spreading in his chest. His mouth felt dry.

How long was an acceptable amount of time to let it ring? Should he let it go to voicemail? Should he just call her back when he'd thought of what he should say?

But he wanted to talk to her. He actually wanted to talk to her more than anything. Wanted to be close to her. To apologize. To see her.

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

He took a deep breath, and answered the call.

"Hey" Her voice echoed on the other end, making his heart hammer.

"h-hey" He mumbled, swallowing hard. His tongue felt limp in his mouth.

"I uh—I was just looking for–the uh—the index page to my—" She was stumbling over her words. She was nervous. He'd never heard her so audibly nervous before.

"Uh, yeah—I uh, I think I have that actually" A lie. He didn't have her index page. He might have a copy of it somewhere in an old email she'd sent him. But she didn't have to know that. At least not right now.

"Oh, okay. Good. Good. I was starting to get worried" She chuckled lightly.

"did you...want me to—"

"Yeah, I was gonna ask if—if you had it, uh— if you're not busy, of course. If you wouldn't mind–" Cordelia could feel her palms sweating as she tried to form a proper sentence.

"I can bring it over. I'm not busy" Bucky stood, already heading for the door.

"Okay, cool. I–I made some dinner, and I... was gonna ask you if you wanted, maybe...if you don't have plans or anything...We could just eat. Or talk. Or whatever" She cleared her throat.

Bucky stopped in his tracks, his chest filling with a sense of hope. He could fix this. Maybe he could actually fix this.

"Yeah. I mean, sure, I can—I can stay for a while and, yeah–" he grimaced, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. Could he sound more like a fucking idiot?

"Okay. I'll see you in...a bit?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll—I'll be there, in a bit" He swallowed, hanging up the phone.

His hands were gripping the wheel hard as he turned toward the driveway, parking next to the house messily.

He felt almost as nervous as the first time he'd shown up to drop off her car.

He made his way to the front door, knocking twice.

Just twice.

And then standing back.

Cordelia opened the door, her long hair fully down, waving carefully around her face and draping over her chest. She looked comfortable. A skirt, hugging the shape of her round hips. Flowy. It looked soft as it moved around her thighs.

"Hey. Come in." She smiled, stepping to the side.

"Thanks" Bucky walked inside. "I–uh, I brought some...wine. I wasn't sure—" He handed her the bottle.

"Oh, you shouldn't have. Thank you." She took it, her fingers brushing against his. It felt like it was the first time. Like they hadn't been pressed and tangled against each other. Like he hadn't let his tongue wander over every inch of her body. Like he hadn't tasted her dripping into his mouth. Like she hadn't tasted him. Like he hadn't gasped her name as he—

"I made...chicken" She chuckled nervously.

"Thought you didn't cook" Bucky followed her into the kitchen.

"I...I don't. I just thought I would tonight, and—" She shrugged, not knowing what to say. Not when he looked at her like that. His blue eyes soft and intrigued. "I'll get you a glass" She blurted out, trying not to linger.

"Here. I got it." He gestured for the bottle opener.

Cordelia leaned against the counter, watching him uncork the bottle of wine. His shirt hugging his body. His arms strong as he pulled it open. His hand grazing the bottle carefully. She cleared her throat, trying to busy herself with plating the food.

The table was already set, and they wandered quietly into the dining room. The chairs creaked loudly as they took their seats. The light was dim, the sun was starting to set. The air was warm.

Bucky watched her sip the wine. First a little. Then a little more. Then a lot.

He was sweating. He'd been so eager to jump on the chance to see her again, that he hadn't considered that this might be it.

This might be the deciding moment.

"So...is this a peace offering, or a goodbye dinner?" He finally managed. The ice had to be broken somehow. And shattering it like this at least guaranteed finding out what was waiting for him on the other side. Cold water gulp or calm swimming.

"Just dinner" Cordelia smiled.

"Are we still doing this vague—"

"Let's...not start there" She sighed, putting her glass down.

"Okay" Bucky nodded, taking a bite of the charred meat on his plate.

She watched him chew, her expression slightly questioning.

"Is this...chicken, you said?" He cleared his throat, swallowing painfully before washing it down with wine.

"It was supposed to be" Cordelia winced slightly, trying to bite back a smile.

"It's very..."

"Just say it" Cordelia sighed, laugher bubbling beneath her feigned composure.

"It's...aggressively bad" Bucky blurted out.

Their eyes caught, and silence fell for a split second, before Cordelia burst out into laughter.

Bucky could feel his shoulders relax, his chest not so tight anymore as he let himself join her.

"Thank you. There's the honesty we've been missing in our communication" She giggled.

"I mean, it's still edible. Technically."

"Oh, you absolutely do not have to eat that." She urged.

"Thank you" Bucky looked at her slightly relieved, making her giggle into her hand.

"You know, you could've just said 'come over and let's not talk about what happened'. I think resorting to poisoning me is a bit— " He shrugged, sipping the wine.

"Don't worry I wasn't actually trying to kill you. It's just a distraction. If your mouth is on fire, you won't ask any hard questions" She confessed, her voice soft. Bucky was staring again. But he didn't care this time. And neither did she. Because she was staring back.

"I don't have your index page" He mumbled.

"I know. I have it." She smiled.

Bucky huffed, leaning back in his chair.

"so..." he began, treading carefully.

"uhm—I'll start" She bit down on her lip, her eyes wandering around the room before settling on him. "I don't...call you cause I'm lonely" she managed.

"Cordelia, I didn't—"

"No. I want you to know that. I call you, because I want to spend time with you. Because you make me laugh. And because you make me relax a bit. And I feel...more carefree with you, and—and I know, maybe that's selfish of me, but—"

"It's not. It's not selfish. I want to do that for you" Bucky urged.

"–and you're right. I don't know what I want. But that doesn't mean I don't...want you" Cordelia's voice was shaky as her eyes drilled into his from across the table.

"And John?" Bucky's eyes didn't shift. He needed to see her. Needed to see what stirred inside at the mention of his name.

"John and I...we were...so tangled up. It's going to take time to undo it all. But I am. I'm undoing it. One painfully slow knot at a time" She huffed.

He wasn't sure what to say, his hands were feeling a bit shaky. This is what he had wanted. Her. So why did he suddenly feel so terrified?

"It's going to get worse. This thing. You know that, right?" Cordelia whispered.

"Probably" He sighed.

"So what do we do?" Cordelia rested her elbows on the table. Like she was waiting. Bracing for impact.

"We stop?" He shrugged.

"Is that what you want?"

"No. Is that what you want?" His voice was tight in his throat.

"No" She whispered, shaking her head softly.

"I know this doesn't end well. I realize that. You'll still leave. I'll still miss you. We're gonna have to go back to our lives. But—I feel something now. And I just, I wanna be selfish. Just for a second" He fidgeted with his wine glass, trying his best not to look right at her. Knowing he'd be lost if he did.

"I get it. I just...I don't know what I'm allowed to feel back" Cordelia huffed.

"Are you really asking what you're allowed?"

"What, you think I haven't spent any time thinking about this? You scare the hell out of me" She smiled, her eyes a bit glossy.

"Why?" Bucky leaned closer.

"Because you look at me like..." She took a deep breath, her voice shaky. "Like I haven't made every wrong turn just to end up right here. You should be chasing someone ...effortless and uncomplicated" She tried to keep her voice steady, but the hammering in her chest failed her.

"Maybe I don't want uncomplicated. I'm not uncomplicated. Nothing in my life is uncomplicated. Maybe I want you. High effort and complicated...and asshole ex-husband." He chuckled, relief washing over him as he watched Cordelia's expression break into a smile.

"Besides I'd rather be scared than not feel anything" He shrugged.

"You're too young to be so nihilistic" Cordelia chuckled.

"You're too smart to be in this situation" Bucky countered, not wasting a single second.

"You got me there" She shrugged, raising her glass in defeat.

They both sipped their wine, letting the silence linger. Letting the realization set. The situation was what it was. Painful. Unavoidable. But they still had some time. And they might as well spend it, because it would pass anyway.

"So now what?" Cordelia asked, her chin resting in her hand as she tilted her head, her eyes searching for his.

"Well, assuming we survive dessert–"

"Fuck you" Cordelia laughed.

"Hey. Don't threaten me with a good time" Bucky smirked. 

Chapter Text

"Holy shit. This is really good" Cordelia gasped, her expression something between confusion and anger as she peeked at Bucky from over the stack of papers in her hand.

"What is?" He mumbled, his nose so far into the book he was reading, Cordelia thought he might actually fall into it. One hand holding it up, the other hand wrapped around her foot. She was hesitant to break him away. Bucky had barely seen the inside of his own house in the last couple of weeks. Most of his time had been spent working with Cordelia, in her house. Helping her organize her research. Putting together a draft for her final presentation. And getting notes in order.

And when they weren't working, he was taking advantage of the huge library in the house. He'd swallowed an unimaginable amount of books in an unimaginable amount of time.

And she loved watching him. Especially on slower days like this. He looked like a fish in water. His shoulders relaxed, that adorable little crease between his eyebrows from staying focused for too long. His hair tousled, his breathing slow. Those gorgeous blue eyes of his dancing across the page.

"Your paper" She responded, casually.

Bucky's jaw almost dropped, his eyes widening as he put the book down.

"What?" He managed, grabbing her by the ankle and pulling her along the couch. Cordelia squirmed, laughing as she tried to put distance between the papers in her hand and him, reaching above her head so that he couldn't take them from her.

"Where did you get that? Give it to me!" Bucky pulled her into his lap, trying to reach for the papers.

"It was on the desk! No!" She laughed, hiding them behind her back.

"Cordelia—where did you—you weren't supposed to—"

"The themes of despair take on a different meaning when presented amongst feelings that are normally thought to be a vessel for jo–" she held them over her head, trying to fight him off with one hand as she read from a paragraph.

"Stop" He finally grabbed the papers, pulling them from her grip.

Cordelia straddled him, reaching for his face and tilting his gaze to hers.

"Read it to me" She smiled, her eyes fluttering down at him.

"Absolutely not!" Bucky scoffed.

"Please!" She whined. "I love the part about deconstructing the traits that make up feelings of love–"

"You—you weren't supposed to read that. It's for school. It's just a stupid—"

"It's not stupid!" Cordelia pressed her fingertips against his lips. "Read it to me" She whispered, her lips brushing against his, her arms wrapping around his shoulders as she rolled her hips in his lap.

"Please, don't make me" Bucky feigned a reluctant groan, his hands glued to her body. Running up beneath her shirt as she pressed soft kisses along his throat.

"I'm not making you. I'm asking nicely. Do you want me to make you?" She teased, her hands carefully fidgeting with the button to his pants.

"I'd like to see you try" Bucky huffed, his voice arrogant. He had no idea of the trap he'd just set for himself.

Cordelia slipped down on her knees, settling herself between his legs.

"What are you doing?" Bucky smiled, his voice soft and unsuspecting.

She dragged her tongue along the band of his underwear, her fingers tugging at it lightly, revealing more of him.

Bucky's breath hitched, hips hips rolling forward. He was unable to stop himself. He wasn't even sure what they'd been talking about. There was just her. And her large doe eyes staring up at him, and her warm mouth trailing along his, slowly but surely, hardening cock.

Her tongue slipped over the sensitive tip, and it made Bucky jolt. Her mouth was warm as it slipped over him, the soft whimper in her throat vibrating against him.

Bucky's chest moved slowly, up and down in deep breaths, watching how she left him shiny as she gagged on him.

"Fuck" he groaned, his head falling back against the couch. His hand tangling into her hair, following her movements. The feeling of the most sensitive part of his body rolling against the roof of her mouth. He twitched, unable to stop the involuntary gasp that left him.

Cordelia slowly slipped her mouth off of him, her cheeks hollowing as she let her lips brush against his throbbing head.

"Read it" She whispered.

"w-what?" Bucky looked dazed, his eyelids heavy, his lips parted and chest heaving.

"Read it to me" She smiled up.

"You're not serious—"

"Dead serious. I wanna hear every word. And you better not stop. Or I will. " She wrapped her hand around his cock, squeezing the base tightly as she ran her tongue along his length. It was making his hands shake as he reached for the paper.

It took a few seconds for his eyes to find their place on the page. His blood rushing between his ears. Every part of his body felt like it was vibrating.

"When subjected to careful deconstruction, the emotional architecture of love—fuck"

Cordelia stopped, her mouth wrapped around him as he regained his composure.

"–often reveals a striking resemblance to the traits we typically associate with m–mis—" His voice was failing him, shaking and trembling as he wanted to do nothing but reach for Cordelia.

"What was that?" She whispered, pausing to stroke him slowly, torturing him with the way her shiny lips formed into a taunting smile.

"Misery." He whispered.

"Louder" She whispered back.

"Misery. Traits we typically associate with misery. Longing, a central component of romantic affection, is defined by absence and lack. Vulnerability, essential for intimacy— Cordelia, I can't—" He managed, his voice strained as he rolled his hips forward, pressing himself deeper into her throat.

"You're doing great. Keep going. Intimacy?" 

"Vulnerability, essential for intimacy, entails the conscious surrender to emotional risk and potential harm. Obsession, when romanticized, borders on compulsion; devotion, when idealized, can blur into dependency."

Bucky was struggling to keep his eyes on the text. And aside from that, he felt naked. Figuratively, and quite literally. His pants were down to his ankles, and the confusion of extreme pleasure and embarrassment was providing a strangely exciting mix.

"Mhmm, what else?" Cordelia nodded along, kissing along the swollen and dripping head of his cock. She could feel it pulsing in her hand. Poor thing was so close, fighting with every inch of his being.

"Even joy, within the context of love, is inherently unstable. Its intensity sharpened by the looming threat of loss." He sighed, his head falling back again, his toes curling as she teased.

"Finish" She whispered, sucking gently as she swirled her tongue around him. He couldn't stop the involuntary twitch. The growl deep in his throat as he tangled his hand into her hair. Close to losing all control.

"In this sense, love is paradoxical: it invites us to embrace a condition that mirrors suffering, yet imbues it with meaning. We do not engage with love because it is devoid of pain, butratherbecauseitgivesthepainapurpose." He mumbled the words, spitting them quickly. It lacked any sense, or rhythm, or clarity. But they left his mouth. That's all that mattered. He dropped paper onto the floor as he dug his fingers into the arm rest, his nails ripping at the fabric as Cordelia brought him closer and closer to the very edge. His heart was beating so hard he could feel it in his temples. His eyes threatening to roll into the back of his head.

He came so hard that his back arched, his hips almost lifting from the couch as he gripped onto Cordelia, riding the wave of his climax until he was empty. Until every drop was spent. He could feel the warm and sticky mess in her mouth, swishing against his sensitive tip. His breathing deep and slow, unable to rip his eyes from her.

She was so fucking beautiful. Her eyes staring up at him like big pools of cinnamon. A pleased smile plastered on her face as she crawled back up into his lap.

Bucky felt defeated.

Deflated, even.

Like an old balloon.

Like every inch of his skin was still on fire and sensitive to the touch. His hand carefully stroked her thigh as he blinked up at her, her weight settling over him. He was so comfortable that he wouldn't maybe even mind just melting into non-existence.

Cordelia tipped his chin up, finding his baby blue eyes.

"That, was me making you read it"

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Bucky could hear the sound of her heart. His head pressed to her chest, his lips resting against her skin. He knew he would miss this moment. It hadn't even passed yet, and it might not for a while. But when it did, he would miss it. That's where his mind always was. That sickly feeling of everything passing, of grasping for memories and instances that, despite being temporary always left a permanent mark.

"Bucky?" She whispered.

It made him smile. If this was as good as it ever got for him, he was perfectly fine with it. If he never got to have another moment filled with something tangible, and strangely real, it would still be worth it. Still be worth this split second right here.

"Yes?" He whispered back. He liked this little thing they did. The way they would be completely engulfed in each other. Connected. Bodies sharing and trailing along the same overwhelming feeling of passion. Mouths tangled. Breath shared. Their voices shaky and mumbling, doing everything but being quiet.

And then when it was all over. They would shrink, like this. Bodies close together. Voices low and hushed. Every word a whisper.

"Do you really think that love is the same as misery?" She mumbled, a soft hint of something amusing in her voice. As if she was too scared to be completely serious about it.

"I'm not saying it is anything. It's just an observation" He shrugged, his hands moving along her body. Her skin felt like silk beneath his palm. It was impossible to not want her, even when he was with her.

"A personal observation?" She whispered, looking down at him, her hand moving in his hair.

"I guess. Some of it" He smiled, his eyes catching the uncertainty in her gaze. "You don't agree" He chuckled.

"It's not that...it's just—it's kinda dark" She chuckled nervously.

"And you're surprised?" Bucky huffed, moving back up. His face hovering over hers. Cordelia had a different air about her lately. She spoke more. Asked more. He liked it.

"No...well, I mean..yeah. You just...don't seem very miserable right now" She shrugged, her hand finding his face. She could stare at him for hours. Lost in his blue eyes.

"I'm not. Not with you" He shrugged.

Cordelia was quiet. Just watching. He didn't need her to say anything to see that she was relieved. It was just a soft glimmer. There one second, gone the next. A guilty pleasure.

"You should write more" She whispered.

Bucky huffed, pressing his mouth against hers. He wasn't interested in hearing something he'd heard a thousand times before. His teachers had told him he should write more since 5th grade. How he had potential. Talent. How he just needed to apply himself. None of that mattered anymore.

He wanted to hear something new.

Wanted to hear her make a sound he hadn't heard before. Wanted to find a spot on her body more sensitive than the last. But he'd humor her anyway. Because he loved to hear her talk.

"Yeah? What should I write about?" He mumbled, uninterested as he kissed his way along her collarbone, onto her shoulder, over her arm.

"I'm serious! You should. And you should be somewhere they take it seriously." Cordelia tried to hold back the urge to giggle as he drew circles with his tongue along her skin.

"mhm. Sure. Where's that?" He wasn't even really focused on what she was saying anymore, he was on a new mission.

"Harvard" She managed, the word leaving her in a jagged breath as he found a spot between her thigh and hip bone that made her jolt.

Bucky stopped, moving himself carefully away from the tangle of their limbs and sheets.

"Alright...that's—"

"What?" Cordelia sat up, refusing to let him run. He'd spent way too much time looking her in the eyes while making her come apart beneath him, to not be able to hold her gaze now.

"Bucky, why don't you apply—" She tried, her voice soft. Her hand running along his arm. Carefully trying to coax him back into where he'd let his walls down.

"I've already told you why" His voice was clipped. His gaze slightly sharp as he looked at her.

Cordelia sat up, pulling the covers along with her as she grabbed his face, her hand holding his chin in place as she guided his gaze to hers.

"You have a really big heart, Bucky. But it's impossible to take care of everyone else except for yourself. Eventually, it leaves everyone unhappy. Most of all you." She whispered. He couldn't hide now. Not when he was trapped in the warmth of her big brown eyes. She looked at him like he was somebody. And not just the person he'd always told himself he was. Someone else.

"They only take a couple handfuls of transfer applicants every year." He mumbled, his heart heavy but his mind lightened by the practicality of it all.

It was just the reality of things. He found no point in being upset about it anymore.

"Okay. So you have like a...one in 12 chance?" She pushed. Bucky could feel the tug at the corners of his mouth. He admired her persistence. And her faith in him.

"Cordelia, I've considered all of this already—" He chuckled dryly, unable to finish before she got out of the bed. The covers trailed after her, long and dancing in the breeze as she darted around the room.

"Where are you going?" He sighed, gesturing in confusion.

Cordelia opened one of her drawers, pulled out a folder and threw it on the bed.

"What's this?" Bucky looked at it, the covers still draped over his hips. His tone unamused.

"Open it" She shrugged, leaning against her dresser as he looked through the papers. The written lines. Her signature. The big Harvard crest at the top of the paper.

"Cordelia...what did you do?" His voice hesitant.

"I printed you a transfer application. Everything you need to fill out is already highlighted. There's a list of all the documents you need to submit. I emailed two of your professors for a referral, each. And I wrote you a letter of recommendation" She stated it so matter-of-factly that it didn't even sound strange to him.

"When did you—"

"Don't worry about it. It's done. You just have to do the rest. Deadline is in two weeks" She smiled.

Bucky was speechless, his hands trembling.
"You wrote me...a letter of recommendation?" His voice was soft, his eyes wide as he stared up at her.

"Yes. You've been interning for me this summer, haven't you?" She walked back to the bed, sliding onto the mattress.

"Yeah..." He whispered, still looking at the papers. His heart felt like it was doing somersaults in his chest.

"Apply" She whispered, her grin wide before she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. He looked somewhere between grateful and hopeless.

"Crazier things have happened than you getting accepted as a transfer into your dream college." She teased, gesturing at the two of them. Naked in her bed.

Bucky calmly put the folder to the side, looking up at her. His eyes brighter. His chest filled with lighter breath.

"what do you say?" She asked nervously.

"I say...." Bucky sighed, feigning a somber expression before reaching for her and pulling her down into the bed.

Her shriek of laughter filled the room, fighting to escape as Bucky pinned her against the mattress and kissed her. Over and over and over.

"..this is absolutely insane" He whispered, nibbling and tickling the most sensitive spots he knew.

"And?"

"And...I might actually do it"

Chapter Text

"Honey roasted carrots. Mashed potatoes. And grilled chicken. What else am I missing?" Winnie mumbled, looking over the grocery list.

"Tuna casserole" Bucky added enthusiastically.

"What? Ricki hates tuna casserole" Winnie put a decided hand on her hip.

"I know. Wouldn't it be so funny if she came home from nine weeks of canned chili and s'mores to a tuna casserole? She would flip." Bucky chuckled to himself, imagining the expression on his sister's face.

"Bucky, stop pestering your sister." Winnie sighed, but still couldn't fully bite back the laugh she was trying so hard to hide.

"She's not even here" Bucky narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"I know. I'm getting ahead of it. You two are impossible" She groaned to herself. "And I hope you didn't make any plans for this friday!" She shot him a stern look.

It was hard to keep track of him these days. In the last few weeks she'd gone two, sometimes three days at a time, without seeing him.

"No plans. I'm the one picking her up from the bus station, remember?" 

"Oh. Good. That way I don't have to rush to get back to the oven. That settles it then!" Winnie cheered, closing up her recipe book with a loud snap.

"Sounds solid. It's just us, right?" Bucky mumbled, scrolling mindlessly on his phone. Slouching across the kitchen table.

"Yes. I thought it would be nice to keep it simple. You, me and Ricki. Unless she drags along someone from camp—"

"Actually...do you think maybe we could do one more?" Bucky leaned back in the chair, stretching nonchalantly.

"Sure. I'll put a plate out for Steve too." Winnie smiled.

"No, uh–Cordelia"

"Delia? Delia-Cordelia?" Winnie raised a curious eyebrow.

"Yeah...she's been cooped up in that house for weeks. Figured she could use a night with actual food, and people who talk about things other than... 19th-century zoning laws" He shrugged, a breathy chuckle followed.

Winnie could hear the nerves in his voice. It was the same tone he'd used all those years when he'd had a curfew and always managed an excuse for breaking it.

"Someone's very considerate," She smiled.

He was so grown up. Her little boy. Not so little anymore. Not even close. Not with that soft stubble coming in on his jaw and the way his shoulders had broadened. He looked more like his father every day.

"She's just...been good company. I'm learning a lot. Besides, she hasn't met Ricki. And we talk about her all the time" Bucky tried for another excuse.

"You think she'd be able to handle this orchestra of disarray?" Winnie teased.

"Ma, it's mashed potatoes and Ricki. You know what—forget I asked" Bucky rolled his eyes, slouching lazily in the chair.

"No, you're right. That girl doesn't know how to take a break. And Ricki would probably love to meet her. She's heard me mention the 'historian in the attic' a dozen times by now. I'll text her" She smiled, reaching for her phone.

Bucky was being unusually helpful, and it didn't go unnoticed.

"I should probably grab some wine too" She mumbled to herself, peeking over her glasses, holding her phone at a distance as she tried to find Cordelia's name in her rows of text contacts.

"Don't worry about the wine. I'll get it" Bucky's chair screeched loudly against the floor as he got to his feet, heading towards the stairs and up to his room.

"Alrighty" Winnie smiled, watching him walk away.

There may be a handful of reasons why any young man would take the time to learn what kind of wine a woman likes. But all that came to mind, was one.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The smell at the station was pungent. Thick whirls of vehicle exhaust, loud screeches of bus brakes.

And then Ricki.

She smelled of burnt marshmallows and bug spray.

She stepped off, balancing herself carefully down the stairs, her duffle bag slung over her shoulder. Her hair tied back in a short ponytail. Her face a bit sunburnt.

"Prodigal son returns to pick up the golden child! I half expected you to forget" She grinned, walking towards her brother.

Bucky stood leaned against the car, arms crossed as he watched her approach. He'd missed Ricki. His younger self would've never believed that he was capable of such a thing. Especially since during those years she'd felt more like a tail than a little sister. Or maybe that is just what a little sister is. A tail that wants to follow you everywhere, until one day she doesn't. And it starts to feel like you've lost a body part somehow.

"Almost did" Bucky teased, acting nonchalant.

Ricki threw her bag down, and threw her arms around him. It was so unexpected it almost tipped him off balance.

"Woah" He groaned. "Calm down." Bucky groaned. But he hugged her back even tighter.

"So did mom break out the crystal, or just the seasonal placement mats?" She sighed, looking over at Bucky. Ricki let the breeze dance in her hair, whirling the loose hairs from her ponytail around as she took in the scent of Millbrook.

"Both" He huffed. "The mashed potatoes have been rehearsed twice. We'll be eating it for the next week and a half. Thanks for that, by the way." He shot her a look.

"Sorry. Didn't choose to be the favorite. Was just born that way." She chuckled.

"She missed you"

"Bet you did too" Ricki sneered.

"You wish" Bucky cackled, earning a shove from his sister.

"You talk to dad?" She asked nervously.

"No. You?"

"He texted me. Wanted to do dinner."

"Yeah. I haven't gotten around to answering yet." Bucky sighed.

The two of them had had their fair share of conversations about how to handle the drift between their parents. Ricki was more flexible. More forgiving. She always had been.

Bucky was the stubborn one. Uncompromising. He could hold a grudge like it was a hand. And he'd learned early on in his life that it fit him like a glove.

"Oh, before I forget..." He mumbled, finding an excuse to change the subject. "I got you something. It's in the back"

Ricki's eyes shifted, watching her brother before she reached into the backseat.

A large paper bag was placed neatly in the middle.

She wrestled it into her lap. Heavy and bulky.

"What's in here?" She observed him with suspicious eyes. She had one too many bad memories of her brother telling her to close her eyes because 'he had something for her'. The distrust was just as alive and well now, as it had been when she was 6.

"If you open it–"

"Is there a bug in it?"

"Ricki, grow up. Just open it–" Bucky groaned, trying not to laugh at the memory of a little Ricki crying as she tried to shake a stink bug out of her palm. He could still hear their mother shrieking as she tried to whip it out of his sister's hand using the kitchen towel.

"Cherry ciders?!" She gasped, her eyes wide.

"You can't tell mom. There's still like a month left of summer and I know you and Sarah probably wanna—" Bucky didn't get a chance to finish his poorly crafted excuse before Ricki launched at him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank yo—"

"Alright. Okay. Jesus" Bucky sighed, pretending not to feel his heart glow.

Ricki grinned as she climbed back into her seat, her limbs halfway caught in a tangle of her clothes and the seatbelt.

"You really did miss me!" She teased.

"Whatever, buttmunch," Bucky sneered at his sister.

"You've really matured since I've been gone" She grinned.

"Camp's made you soft" Bucky huffed.

Ricki laughed, still hanging over the center console. Disrupting Bucky's personal space, when something slipped out of her pocket.

"Shit–" She mumbled. "My lip balm!" She whined as the sound of it clattered, falling in between the seats.

She reached in after it, making disgusted noises every time her hand slipped over something.

"You're so dramatic. It's right there!" Bucky chuckled, trying to reach his hand in next to hers.

"Eyes on the road. I don't feel like dying before dinner. Who's gonna eat all the mashed potato—EW!" Ricki pulled out something long and yellow.

"What is it?"

"A petrified fry" Ricki squealed, throwing it at him.

"Put that down. That's a fossil"

"Huh, maybe you could share your findings with the historian who's coming to dinner" She grinned as she kept digging.

Bucky's shoulder's stiffened a bit.

And Ricki noticed.

Noticed how he swallowed and how his posture changed.

She was about to comment on it, when her fingers scraped against something sharp.

"Ouch—"

"Ricki, just leave it. It's in another dimension now–"

"Oh. What's this?"

Bucky turned, his eyes landing on the earring in his sister's hand. Thinly woven gold strings with a pearl at the end. it dangled in her hand, just like it had dangled in Cordelia's ear that afternoon in his car behind the library.

"Give me that" He reached for it, but Ricki pulled it away.

"It's nice. Looks like real gold..." She narrowed her eyes, examining it in the light. "Who does this belong to?"

"Don't know" Bucky shrugged, his lips drawn in a tight line.

"What? I'm supposed to believe that?" She laughed.

"It's probably mom's—"

"Nah-uh. I've never seen mom wear anything like this"

"Ricki. Just give it here—"

"No. Not until you tell me whose it is." She teased.

"No one. It's nothing." Bucky tried to feign disinterest. Aloofness.

He failed.

Ricki knew the tone in his voice. He was lying.

"Strangely defensive for nothing. Come on. I won't tell"

"It's...Lisa's," Bucky sighed.

"Hah! Yeah right. Lisa Potts wouldn't be caught dead in anything that wasn't a silver stud with a real diamond." Ricki exclaimed.

Bucky could feel his palms sticking to the steering wheel.

"Can we drop it, please?" He looked at her, his eyes flashing with something sincere.

"Fine," Ricki shrugged, holding out the earring. Bucky ripped it from her hand, placing it quickly out of sight in the cupholder by his door.

He tried to keep his eyes on the road, but he could feel his little sister's gaze drilling into him.

"Stop it"

"Stop what?" Ricki feigned innocence.

"Don't do that. I asked you to leave it alone."

"I'm not doing anything!" Ricki urged.

"You're trying to connect dots in your head. Un-connect them." He sighed.

"Should I be worried?" She teased.

"No. You should be quiet"

Ricki crossed her arms, eyes on the road as they neared the house. She'd figured the lightness about him had been the relief of summer. The glow in his skin, from some extra sun. She'd thought that maybe the softness to his shoulders, and the fact that he'd let his hair get longer was just a sign of him finally relaxing into himself. Taking a breath. Growing out of being so intense.

But this was something else. And she was going to get to the bottom of it.

"Did you kill someone?" She smiled.

Bucky rolled his eyes, and turned the radio up.  

Chapter Text

There was a strange sense of peace hanging over Bucky as he looked at his plate. The sound of conversation, the clinking of glasses and the scrape of forks against the porcelain plates was a sound he'd missed more than he knew.

The soft wind danced itself into the dining room from the open patio door. The curtains swayed as the evening light cut through the soft cream colored fabric.

Cordelia was sitting across from him, her chin resting in her hand as she smiled at Ricki.

She'd managed every question his sister had thrown at her. And she hadn't spared a single one. He wasn't really surprised, but he was still impressed.

Cordelia didn't mind the questions. Ricki's over-eager nature and the way she interrupted herself to ask the next question reminded her so much of Bucky.

In the beginning.

When he'd been too shy to hold her gaze or say a full sentence without stumbling over his words.

She found Ricki to be endearing. And sharp. And curious.

All the things you were at 17. And none of the things you were at 27.

She thought it was cute how her eyes looked just like her brother's. The same startling blue. Just framed by lighter, more golden hair.

"Is it as creepy on the inside as it looks on the outside? The Walker house?" Ricki grinned.

"It can be, yes. Most of all it's a fire hazard. And the pipes groan at night. But it has its charm" Cordelia shrugged.

"Woah...that's so cool. I've always wanted to see the inside—Are you gonna remodel?"

"No. No, I'm working on selling it. But you should stop by before I do. I'd love to give you a tour."

Ricki's eyes sparkled, practically bouncing in her seat.

"You can advertise it to those haunted house fanatics. Oh, I know a good facebook group for that!" She shoveled another spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth.

"She's full of surprises, this one" Winnie giggled, sipping her wine.

"Please! peace and quiet just gives your thoughts room to get weird. I'll take a noisy house with a little personality." She shrugged.

"Should've stayed in the woods" He teased.

"The quiet can be nice. But you're right, it's not all it's cracked up to be. I have days where I'm on the verge of talking to my furniture." Cordelia laughed.

"Maybe they deserve to be heard!" Ricki grinned, a little too earnest.

The chatter between the girls continued. Their voices lowered a bit as they seemed to drift off into an uncharted corner of conversation.

Bucky had hoped they would get along. He might've even been slightly eager for them to meet.

He wasn't sure why.

But he enjoyed watching her like this. Comfortable. Smiling.

She deserved this. Deserved a break.

His lips pressed into a soft smile, warmth spreading low in his chest. He reached for his glass, eyes flicking up to find his mother watching him. Winnie's arms were crossed, an eyebrow arched.

"What?" he muttered, voice low, trying not to sound defensive.

Winnie shook her head, then smiled toward Cordelia.

"More wine, Delia?"

"Oh, sure." Cordelia held out her glass. "This wine is wonderful, Winnie. I love Merlot. It's like you read my mind".

"Actually, Bucky picked out the wine" Winnie smiled back, noticing the slight shift in Cordelia's gaze. Her eyes inching carefully towards Bucky.

"Oh" She managed.

"Lucky guess" Bucky shrugged, trying to swallow down the tightness in his throat. Pretending he'd never tasted this exact wine on her tongue.

"Very lucky" Winnie mumbled, biting back a smirk.

"–so do you like...teach? Like classes? Could I take a class of yours?" Ricki interrupted.

"Not yet. But eventually I will. I'm booked for a few lectures in Chicago later this year."

"Wait—how do you like, know what to say?" Ricki's eyebrows knitted together.

A sign Bucky recognized as her thinking too hard.

"I have...boxes. And half-labeled folders. And a system only I understand" Cordelia chuckled nervously.

"She's being modest. I've been knee-deep in her system for weeks now. It's like trying to alphabetize the inside of someone's brain." Bucky laughed.

"Which, you're surprisingly good at" Cordelia raised her glass.

"I'm not one bit surprised. You know what he asked for on his 12th birthday? Encyclopedias! An entire volume. He read them all in three weeks. If there's one thing that son of mine knows how to do, it's read." Winnie bragged, watching him stare down at his plate. The corners of his mouth tugging upwards a bit.

"Which volume?" Cordelia asked curiously.

"A,through— What was it, honey?" Winnie snapped her fingers, trying to remember.

"A through D" Bucky sighed, embarrassed.

"Wow, Buck! Who would've known you'd be good for more than lifting heavy things and ignoring text messages?" Ricki grinned, earning an eye roll from her brother. "So Delia, you're like...a professor? Like a PhD?"

"Any day now" Cordelia smiled.

"How old are you?"

"Rebecca!" Winnie chuckled, a bit embarrassed.

"What? I have to know how to map out my life plan! I wanna give lectures in Chicago!"

"She talks this much now and she doesn't even have a podium" Winnie sighed, her tone teaseful.

"You see, Ricki hasn't stopped talking since she learned how to talk. It's just been one long conversation since she was like...two years old." Bucky sneered at his sister, before shifting his eyes back to Cordelia. "You're doing great, by the way. I can barely keep up with her and I've had 17 years of training." He smiled.

"You're not invited to my lecture, James" Ricki sneered at her brother.

"Thank god" He sighed with relief.

"Oh, don't listen to him. By the time you're 29, you can have your own TED Talk" Cordelia winked.

"Ugh, I don't know. I can barely decide on breakfast, let alone what I want to be doing at 29. What would I even talk about?" Ricki leaned lazily into her hand, slumped against the table.

"Oh, you'll think of something" Bucky muttered beneath his breath. Ricki tried to kick him beneath the table, but she couldn't reach.

"Sometimes it's easier to make the big choices than the small ones. I decided on my thesis topic in like two days. But I had a near-crisis just trying to match earrings this morning." Cordelia sighed, slightly embarrassed.

Bucky's eyes shifted towards Cordelia again, his fingertips slightly tingly at the mention of earrings.

"Really?" Ricki leaned back in her chair, her eyes narrowing slightly in surprise.

"Yeah, I mean—I'm a...mess, lately. I don't think I have a full set left. I just keep losing things. If it's not my papers, it's my earrings. Apparently"

Bucky's eyes were focused on the glass of wine, sitting right in front of him, still full. He didn't dare move. Didn't dare make a noise that might draw Ricki's attention.

"Huh" His sister smiled, her arms crossing slowly over her chest.

Bucky's stomach dropped, his glance shifting up instinctively. His eyes locked on Cordelia.

She couldn't have known. Couldn't have realized the perfect catastrophe she'd just caused.

"Oh, I hate when that happens—" Winnie began.

"What does it look like? The one you lost?" Ricki's eyes sharpened.

"Oh...it was this dangly gold earring with a little pearl detail. It's probably somewhere in the house—"

Bucky could feel it before he even saw it. His sisters piercing gaze as it fastened on him. He flickered his eyes up carefully, finding her staring.

Her expression blank. Almost unreadable.

Except for the slight twitch at the corner of her mouth.

Bucky's jaw tightened, his heart began to race.

The guilt burned like it was branded in letters across his forehead.

There was nowhere to hide.

Ricki had caught him.

"Sounds pretty. I'm sorry you lost it."

"Oh, it's okay. Most of my jewelry is secondhand, but I've grown fond of it" Cordelia waved it away, still calm.

Still unaware.

Bucky could hear his blood rushing in his ears. His throat tightening.

"You know, those things always show up when you least expect it" Ricki smiled, shrugging her shoulders.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Cordelia was a natural. She'd already charmed Winnie months ago. Bucky knew that. It had been undeniable how fond his mother was of her. And she'd only needed one dinner to charm Ricki.

It had also taken only one dinner for Ricki to split apart, break open, and possibly ruin everything he'd managed to keep a secret for most of the summer.

They hadn't spoken. Not yet. But he could hear Ricki moving around in her room. Drawers opening. The chair to her desk screeching against the floor. She would come in here. He knew she'd wander over to his room eventually. Or maybe he should just get it over with and go to—

His phone buzzed.

Cordelia

Did I pass?

Bucky

Pass what?

Cordelia

The Ricki Rundown. Thought I spotted her taking notes.

Bucky

With flying colors. Gold star for you, Dr. Dexter.

Cordelia

She belongs on an advisory board.

Bucky

Please don't tell her that.

Cordelia

I'll try not to. I'm glad I got to meet her.

Bucky

I'm glad she got to meet you.

Cordelia

Is that what you wanted?

Bucky

Am I allowed to want that?

Cordelia

Look at you. Asking what you're allowed!

Bucky

You're rubbing off on me.

Cordelia

Oh god. It's that bad, huh?

Bucky could feel the weight in his chest. How it seeped into his limbs. His fingers heavy as he forced himself not to type what he actually wanted to say.

Bucky

It's pretty bad.

Bucky could hear the creak of the hallway floorboards, the faintest rustle of movement. Ricki had never been quite as good at sneaking out of her room as he was.

He held his breath. He knew it was coming.

One swift pull, and she'd tugged his door fully open.

Her hair was damp, her eyes slightly wide and eyebrows raised. She looked like she was ready to pick a fight.

A fight he couldn't possibly win.

"Are you fucking mom's friend?" She blurted out, her voice echoing through the hall.

Bucky jumped to his feet, the blood rushing through his body as he grabbed her by the arm and yanked her into his room. He slammed the door shut behind her.

"Keep your goddamn voice down!" He hissed.

He could explain. He really could.

Or could he?

'I think I'm in love with mom's friend. Don't tell anyone'.

No. Not good enough.

'Yes. I have been fucking mom's friend. Don't tell anyone'.

Also didn't seem good enough.

'I feel something for the first time since I-don't-even-fucking-know-when. And I think it's fear. But at least it's something. or it might be love. Or maybe both. Or maybe they're just the same thing. And I think it's all because of mom's friend. Don't tell anyone'.

That also, didn't seem good enough. But it was as close to the truth that he could afford to get. At least for tonight.

"Oh my god. You are!" Ricki gasped, her whisper sharp.

"No, I'm not." Bucky sighed, sitting back down at the foot of his bed.

"Jesus christ, you're not even trying to hide it! How long has this been going on?" She laughed.

"Ssshh–" Bucky urged again. "I'm–why would you think that?"

"You mean aside from the fact that she described the exact earring I found between the seats of your car? Which by the way, gross! I'm never getting in that car again." Ricki crossed her arms.

"That's not—"

"Bucky. You were looking at her the way the first caveman looked at fire. It's so fucking obvious!"

"What's obvious?" He feigned confusion.

"That you're in love with her. I mean, come on! And you think mom is stupid? You think she's not going to noti—"
"Mom doesn't know anything, and it's gonna stay that way!" His voice was sharp, his eyes even sharper.

"What are you even thinking right now?" Ricki's question sounded an awful lot like Steve's. And he didn't like it.

"Look, it's–it's fucking complicated. And regardless, what does it matter to you?" He whispered frantically, his voice low but filled with every emotion he'd tried so hard to hide at the dinner table.

"Maybe I care about you, you fucking idiot?" Ricki waved her hands frantically.

"Whatever" Bucky let out a deep sigh.

"What about Lisa?" Ricki asked carefully.

"That's–that's over. It's done"

"I mean...you say that, but–"

"No. I mean it. It's really over this time. Like fully. For good" Bucky ran a hand through his hair, his eyes landing against Ricki's.

"And why is that?"

He hated when she did this. When she cornered him into answering something. It was a tactic she'd perfected from when they were kids.

"Because–" Bucky managed, feeling the pull in his own chest at the words that lingered on his tongue.

"Because...." Ricki repeated, the twirl of her hand urging him to just let it out.

"Ricki, let's not fucking do this right now. Okay?"

"Because you're in love with someone else. Is that it?" Her tone was stern. Almost accusatory.

Bucky was silent. Staring at her where she stood. Her back pressed against his door. This had been the standard for their emergency meetings. Especially after the divorce. Or when their parents' fighting was at its worst.

"Who else knows?" Ricki mumbled.

"No one. Just...Sam and Steve"

"Ugh. Of course you'd tell them before telling me" She rolled her eyes, offended.

"You weren't here! Besides, you would've just convinced me it was a bad idea."

"Hmm. I figured Steve had already beat me to it" She shrugged.

"He did"

The air was thick with all the guilt. All the unsaid things. All of it felt like ash, settling on his tongue. Blocking his throat.

All that fear. Fear of the known. Fear of the unknown. All the words Bucky knew he wanted Cordelia to hear.

But here he was, locked in his room, talking it over with his little sister. Like the scared little boy he used to be. And maybe he was. Maybe he'd never stopped being scared.

"So...are you like, together?" She smiled, genuine glee on her face.

"No, we're..."

"But you want to be? With her?"

"You don't get it" Bucky huffed.

"What, that someone is making you happy? I don't. But it looks like it's fucking working, so I'll take it"

"What does that even mean, Ricki?" He sighed, on the verge of laughter.

"It means, it's been a while since I recognized you. I did tonight." She shrugged.

Her words hung in the air. Stinging.

"I like her" Ricki whispered.

"Thought you would" Bucky chuckled.

"She's smart"

"Ridiculously" He smiled.

"Think you can manage not to fuck it up?" Ricki teased, but her voice held genuine concern.

"I'm trying my best," Bucky nodded.

Ricki huffed, her hand tugging at the door handle behind her back.

She opened it carefully, ready to step out when he called out.

"Hey!"

She stopped, turning over her shoulder.

"I'm glad you're home" Bucky shrugged.

Ricki smiled, stepping out of his room and tucking her face into the small crack of the open door.

"I knew it" She whispered, closing it shut.

Chapter Text

Cordelia circled her hips slowly. She shouldn't. Because it would make her lose.

But it felt too good not to. The warmth of his mouth. The slip of his tongue as he circled it over her clit.

The way his groans vibrated against her core.

His hands held her in place, pressing her closer each time she tried to pull away.

He was trying his hardest to stay focused. To not get lost in how her mouth felt as it sank down on his throbbing cock.

Limbs tangled. The weight of her resting on top of him. His face pressed between her legs.

He ran his hand along the small of her back, pressing her down closer to his mouth.

She was almost there.

He could tell.

Right on the edge.

The ecstasy of having her so close was almost enough to make him join her. But he didn't want to. Not yet.

It had turned into somewhat of a competition, silly as it was. Neither wanted to be the first one to unravel.

Cordelia had taken pride in being able to collapse Bucky into a complete mess. In the beginning.

But he'd gotten better. Quicker. More thorough. More precise. More dangerous. She wasn't sure how, but he had her down to a science. To a routine, almost. A guaranteed way to have her shaking and gasping.

It was ridiculous. And she wouldn't allow it. Not this time.

Bucky was trying his hardest to not let the feeling of her soft mouth drive him off the deep end. He focused on his breathing.

On her.

Her soft whimpers. Her skin sticking to his.

The room was filled with heat. A soft but consistent rhythm that was sure to get her there. Just a little longer. Just a bit more.

Bucky clamped his mouth around her clit, slurping on her gently, the moisture from her arousal stringing from his lips as he pulled back slowly. It was swollen. And pulsing. He slipped his tongue over it carefully. Soft kisses. He could feel her losing. Feel her melt into him as her legs began to tremble.

Bucky held her tighter, not letting her pull away, not letting her escape.

Cordelia slipped her mouth off his cock. Arching her back and sitting back on his mouth. Grinding her hips against his tongue. Her palm pressed against his stomach as she balanced herself on top of him. His pulsing cock in her hand as she continued to stroke him.

"wait. wait—wait, Bucky..." She pleaded, her voice rushed and shaky. Her breath breaking in her throat.

He didn't listen. He didn't care. He kept going.

The taste of her was intoxicating. The groan from him muffled, his mouth filled with her.

"fuckfuckfuck." Cordelia whimpered before she sank back down on him, the tip of his cock sinking so far into her mouth that it brushed against her throat.

Bucky let out an involuntary groan, his body jolting beneath hers.

But it was too late.

Cordelia began to tremble. He could feel her pulsing against his mouth. Dripping. Her breathing quickened, her cries muffled by how full her mouth was with him.

She was such a beautiful mess when she was this desperate for him.

For him to let her give in.

The feeling of her coming apart was too much for Bucky. Their bodies grinding together, pulsing and writhing against each other.

He came into her mouth. Filling her throat. His hips rolling forward, almost lifting off the bed as he pushed himself further into her.

Cordelia took it all. Every drop.

Still moving her wet and sloppy core against his mouth, until he let her pull away.

He was out of breath. Limbs heavy. His hands still running along her back, over the curve of her ass.

He brushed his lips along her folds. Still chasing the taste of her. That soft skin.

"I win" He grinned.

"We should eat" Cordelia mumbled, her eyelids heavy. They had gotten exactly zero work done today.

Not a single paper had been organized.

Not a single file had been labeled.

And post-orgasm haze or not, she was strangely okay with the fact.

"Khan's" Bucky mumbled back. His hair was a mess, standing on all ends as he lifted his head from where he'd been resting it in her lap.

They'd lost all sense of direction. Sheets and limbs tangled. They hadn't left the bed since they'd gotten in it. Which was nearing four hours.

"What?" Cordelia giggled, running her hand along his face. Gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous. She could look at him for another 2 hours, and forget that they needed to eat. Again.

"Khan's. Shawarma. They have the best shawarma."

"I could do some shawarma" She smiled, pulling him closer, letting her lips find his.

"Let's go" He smiled.

"Go? Go where?"

"...get food. Were we not just talking about food? Or did I finally scramble your brain?" Bucky raised a curious eyebrow.

Cordelia shoved him playfully. He even managed to make his gloating insufferably irresistible somehow.

"You wanna just walk in there?" she laughed, but the nervous edge gave her away.

"How else would we get in?"

"Bucky...there's people there" She mumbled, fidgeting nervously with a loose thread on the sheet that was bunched between them.

"And?"

"And. They'll see us" She urged.

"We'll be quick. We can even take it to go. But it's nice out. And...we could use the fresh air." He grinned.

"Delivery?" Cordelia tried.

"Then we'll just stay in here. Again." He smiled, his eyes softening into something that looked slightly convincing. "I wanna eat. With you. While we both wear pants. Come on." His voice was soft, brushing her hair away from her face.

"Bucky—"

"It's not like we have to hold hands. Or kiss. Or do anything scandalous, like make eye contact" he teased. "Just two people. Getting food."

Cordelia was hesitant. Not because it was a bad idea.

But because she didn't hate the idea. Because she wasn't resisting as hard as she should be. Because she didn't mind the thought of going somewhere they would be seen, and sitting across from each other in an old diner booth, and maybe even holding his stupid hand.

"No one's gonna think anything of it..." He whispered, his fingers brushing against hers.

"And if they do?" She whispered back, looking up at him. His tousled hair. His blue eyes. The soft pout on his mouth.

"...I don't care" His gaze met hers. It was sincere. A bit too sincere. There was something hiding behind his nonchalance. Something a lot heavier.

Cordelia smiled, considering.

"Ricki knows," He blurted out.

"What?" Cordelia's eyes grew wide as she sat up in the bed.

"She cornered me after dinner. Forced me to confess"

"Confess to what?" Cordelia leaned closer, still slightly surprised.

"I'll tell you after we get food" He teased, pressing his lips to her hand. Kissing his way along her arm.

"I told my best friend. Darcy." Cordelia confessed, biting back a smile.

"Wait—you told her about me?" Bucky grinned, he seemed to be on a winning streak today.

Cordelia nodded, smiling shyly.

"What'd you tell her?" Bucky pulled her closer.

"Sorry. Classified information" She giggled, wrapping her arms over his shoulders.

"Fine. I told Steve" Bucky countered, making her gasp. "And Sam".

"You wha–" Cordelia tried, but her feigned complaint fell silent as he pressed his mouth to hers. Her laughter muffled against his mouth as pushed her back down against the mattress.

Bucky promised he'd remember this. Remember how she laughed at his stupid confession. And how she let him kiss her. And how warm her skin was against his. And how her sheets smelled, despite how they'd been rolling and writhing in them all day. And how the sun tilted in just right enough to paint the brown in her eyes with that golden hue that he liked so much.

"Come on." He whispered, slipping out of the bed.

"Wait! I don't know where my clothes are. If we're gonna be in public I have to get ready—" Cordelia groaned, tugging at the ocean of sheets around her.

Bucky got into his pants, and quickly pulled his shirt over his head.

When he turned around she was still sitting in the bed. The white sheets cut against her bronzed skin. Her messy hair. Her large eyes blinking up at him. A soft smile on her mouth.

Bucky reached for the hoodie he'd torn off at some point during their descent into unyielding chaos and desire, and pulled it over her head.

She was swimming in it. It folded over itself and buried her somewhere in the middle of all that fabric.

"There. You're ready" He smiled.

Chapter Text

Lisa wanted to look away. But she couldn't. Her eyes held her there, even as something sank heavy in her chest.

Her fingers clenched the steering wheel. Eyes wide. Frozen.

The music playing in the back turned into a distant hum. All she could hear was her own heartbeat.

Bucky.

But not alone.

She didn't really know Cordelia. They'd met once. She'd complimented her dress. They'd talked about college.

She was nice.

Lisa remembered thinking she was nice.

That she was pretty.

And she looked pretty now too.

Natural. Fucking effortless.

Her messy mane of brown waves, tucked under a baseball cap.

Bucky's hand resting carefully on her back, sliding along the mass of fabric she was hiding in.

His hoodie.

His fucking clothes.

Lisa could feel a jolt in her chest.

Something slashing through her body, like thunder slicing a tree open.

She hadn't noticed how hard she was gripping the steering wheel.

They were laughing.

Worse.

He was laughing. He looked fucking happy, for a change.

The way his eyes trailed over her, while she wasn't even looking back at him. Their arms brushing together as they waited for their food.

The sip he offered her from his soda.

Lisa felt sick.

On the verge of throwing up.

Something in her stomach twisting, begging to hurl out of her. Tears, or her lunch, or something else. She wasn't sure.

She turned the key. Slammed the gas.

The tires screamed before the car even moved.

She didn't know where she was going. But she couldn't watch another second. Not another second of him being in love with someone else.

It was getting darker. The sun drooping lazily towards the horizon. The sky was the prettiest shade of pink. What a shame, Lisa thought to herself. What a shame that it should be so pretty on a night like this.

Bucky's driveway was empty. But he had to come home sometime. And if it wasn't tonight, then she had tomorrow. And the day after that. Millbrook wasn't big enough to hide. 

Lisa had let her fury whirl itself into a tornado. Something spiraling and creaking inside every bone in her body. Her heart hadn't stopped pounding since she'd seen him with Cordelia.

She hadn't told anyone she was here. Not even Wanda. She knew that her friend would try to stop her. And she didn't want to be stopped. Didn't want anything but to have Bucky look her in the eyes, and for once, tell the fucking truth.

Lisa checked her phone. 8.35PM. She scrolled lazily over the text messages she'd sent him. Each one of them ignored.

Lisa

You two look real cozy.

Lisa

You were lying to me this entire time. Just admit it.

Lisa

I need to talk to you. I need to hear the truth.

Lisa

I defended you. I told people we were fine. That you were fine. And you were with her this entire time?

Lisa

I look like a fucking idiot. You've made me look like an idiot.

Lisa

The worst part is I actually believed you. I thought you were figuring things out. You fucking asshole.

Lisa

You're just gonna ignore me? Honestly, I shouldn't even be fucking surprised.

Lisa

You didn't even wait. Like actually didn't even wait. And then moving on with someone who's almost 30??? Wtf is wrong with you?

Lisa

I hope she knows how good you are at pretending.

Lisa

Can we please just talk?

Lisa's eyes shifted when she heard the sound of a car turning down on the street. The headlights shone across her face as it pulled into the Barnes' driveway. 

Bucky parked, the sound of his engine coming to silence before he stepped out from the drivers side slowly. He looked confused. Surprised to see her. 

His hair had grown. That crease between his eyebrows looked softer. Like he wasn't focusing so hard all the time. Like he was more relaxed.

"Lisa? What are you doing here?" He was calm. Too calm for someone whose phone should have exploded from the hoard of text messages she'd sent.

"What am I doing here? I texted you." She tried to bite back the rage. But it was far too late. It was fury now. Bubbling beneath her skin. Her teeth grinding together. Her eyes sharpening on him as he walked towards her.

She couldn't stop picturing it in her head. Him touching her. Kissing her. Her touching him. His back, and his shoulders, and that dip between his shoulder blades. The warmth of his body while he slept and how he'd reach out, half asleep, searching. Pressing himself closer. She wondered if it felt good. The things they did together. If he liked making her feel good.

She was fucking nauseous again.

"My phone's dead. Is everything okay?" He looked concerned, his eyes scanning her hurriedly. It felt genuine. It actually felt fucking genuine.

"I saw you" Lisa managed, her voice cracking before she could even get the words out. She'd planned to scream. To keep her head high. To walk away from there with her dignity. To make him feel like shit for what he'd done.

But it didn't matter now. Not when he was standing there. And all she could think was how she'd lost him. Really lost him, this time.

"What?" He asked, the nervous edge to his voice was enough of a giveaway.

"Don't fucking pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Bucky. And don't tell me it was nothing. I saw you two. Outside Khan's." Lisa's arms were crossed tightly over her chest, the only thing holding her heart in its place.

"We–Cordelia? We were—we were just getting food" Bucky tried to shrug it away, the lump in his throat feeling suddenly larger.

"She was wearing your fucking clothes!" Lisa snapped, her eyes brimming with tears.

Bucky was silent. Just staring back at her. Hands in his pockets. His shoulders stiff. He took a deep breath, like he was preparing for impact.

"Lisa, look...it's–"

"you were seeing her this entire time? Be honest. When you didn't want to come to the bonfire—"

"No. I mean, it's—Nothing had happened before. We weren't—fuck. I didn't want you to find out this way. I'm sorry—"

"Oh my god....Were you seeing us both? Were you fucking her while you were fucking me? Don't lie to me" 

"No! God. Lisa, I–"

"Please. Just tell the truth" She whispered, wiping her tears away.

"I am. I wouldn't do that. I've never done that to you." Bucky sighed, slightly hurt at the accusation.

Lisa almost wished for a second that he was lying. But she knew him well enough by now to tell. And the truth, somehow, felt so much worse.

"What is it, that she's—older? Is she...better, in some way—"

"It's not about that, Lisa. It's...actually not even about you. I just..." Bucky sighed, running a hand over his face. "...I'm not what you want. You know that. I know that. We were just...comfortable."

"What's wrong with being comfortable?" Lisa mumbled, her bottom lip trembling.

"I don't know. Everything?" Bucky whispered. "Don't you want something more than...I don't know, 'fine'? Don't you want something more than just lukewarm?"

"I was lukewarm to you?" She narrowed her eyes at him.

"I'm not saying you're lukewarm. I'm saying—god damnit" Bucky let his frustration slip, an impatient chuckle. "We don't want the same things. We never did. And that's okay. We can both still get what we want. Just not from each other. Not in the way we thought when we were kids"

Lisa glanced up at him. His face was still the same. Stupid, beautiful, familiar. But something was different about it now. Something looked distant.

"I just thought..."

"I know." Bucky sighed. "I know. And I should've made it clearer. Sooner"

"You did..." Lisa whispered. "I just...didn't wanna listen"

"You're...you're gonna get everything you want. All that stuff you planned for. You'll meet someone at the country club your parents go to. Or at MIT. And he'll want all that stuff too. And you'll have a family, and a dog, and–" Bucky mumbled, his voice slightly strained in his throat. "And you'll think about this, and realize how silly you were for thinking it was the best thing you'd ever have. I promise" 

Lisa didn't say anything. Her eyes shifting slightly to look back at his after having lingered on the empty space between them. She uncrossed her arms, taking a deep breath.

"And you?" she whispered. 

"I'll..." Bucky shrugged. "I don't know yet"

"It'll be her" Lisa sighed. "I just know it'll be her" 

"Maybe" Bucky whispered.

Lisa nodded, tears balancing on her lash line.  

"I hope she can make you happy" She sighed, her gaze blank as it focused on his.

Bucky's face softened, his lips parting to say something.

Maybe 'thank you'. Maybe 'I'm sorry'. 

Maybe nothing.

Either way, she didn't stay to find out.

Her steps felt oddly heavy as she walked to her car, despite her body feeling so hollow. The door slammed shut as he stayed right there. Another reminder, that he wouldn't be following along with her. That it wasn't going to be him.

No matter how much she had tried to will it into being so.

It was quiet. Her car moving silently as she drove away, turning off of his street. The thought struck her that it would probably be the last time she drove down Maple Hollow Drive.

The sky had almost gone completely dark, except for one pink streak that still clung to the edges.

What a shame, she thought again.

She'd never look at another pink sky, without thinking of this moment. 

Chapter Text

The rain was heavy. Droplets the size of quarters bouncing against the gravel in Cordelia's driveway, and rattling the pipes along the side of the Walker house.

Bucky found it almost soothing as he hurried to take cover beneath the awning. There was a distant memory of them walking through bad weather, much like this. Soaked to the skin, stumbling over the threshold. 

He almost smiled. 

His trembling hands and rushed breaths. The smell of the rain. Her damp hair.

The first touch.

How nothing had been the same since.

"Cordelia?" His voice echoed through the first room. Two cups of coffee balancing in his hands.

The organizing was coming along. Almost everything was labeled. The piles of scattered papers, open books, and half scribbled notes had grown smaller. And neater.

Lined up. Bookmarked. Stacked in alphabetical order.

He could hear her mumble from somewhere deeper in the house.

Bucky walked into the library, finding her leaned over a crisp stack of papers, phone pressed between her ear and shoulder.

She turned, her eyes catching him standing in the doorway.

Bucky smiled. He wanted to watch for a bit. Watch her scattered train of thought, her body struggling to follow each command her mind gave. Her hair thrown over one side, the stubborn piece right by her left temple that refused to stay tucked, no matter how many times she forced it behind her ear.

"I'll make some calls. Ask around. Let you know when everything is in order" Her voice sounded different. Not the voice she used with him.

Not friendly, but polite.

Saying no more than what needed to be said.

He felt a twinge in his chest.

John?

No. She was smiling too widely for it to be a conversation with John, biting down on her lip in what seemed to be excitement. It must be good news.

"Thank you" Her voice rang, her eyes shifting to his as she hung up the phone.

"What's going on?"

"I found a buyer" Cordelia blurted out, her eyes bright as she ran at him. "I found a buyer! I found a buyer!" She cheered.

Bucky's mouth felt oddly dry. His eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Oh–" He tried, unable to get an actual word out. His hands hovering along her waist as she bounced up and down.

"It's a serious one too! Someone who wants to live in it. Not flip it!" She grinned, pulling his face closer and placing a rushed kiss to his lips.

Bucky tried to mirror her smile, but he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.

"That's...great. That's really great" The words tasted bitter in his mouth. Like sour milk, or poison.

She was still talking. About what, he wasn't sure. Her voice sounded like a muffled echo, fading behind the sound of the blood rushing in his ears.

"So the inspection is next. And then paperwork, of course. Ugh. Like we don't do enough of that already. And then hopefully I can get a closing date as soon as September—oh, you brought coffee!"

Bucky knew that this day was coming. He knew he'd be going back to school. He knew she wasn't staying in Millbrook. He knew she was going to sell the house.

But he felt like he was plunging through air. Like something had been pulled from beneath his feet. The wind numbing his face as he choked on the sense of falling.

The coffee cups on the counter suddenly looked fucking ridiculous. What had he been trying to do, exactly? Build a life? Pretend he had a place in it? Pretend he had a chance at actually being in hers?

"Are you okay?" Cordelia's voice pierced him like a hot poker right through the chest. He wasn't okay. But he couldn't actually tell her that. Not without telling her why.

"Yeah. Fine" Bucky reassured, forcing down the lump in his throat, hiding his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't fidget.

Cordelia's eyes trailed over his face, trying to look past the lie he'd just told her.

"Just...surprised. I wasn't expecting it—I mean, I was. Just not...yet." He shrugged, doing his best to avoid her gaze.

"It's not for sure yet. Still a lot of steps" she mumbled, swallowing hard. She could feel heat rising in her chest.

This was it.

The dreaded beginning of the inevitable end.

"Right. Of course" He cleared his throat, his blue eyes soft against hers. "Still time" He smiled.

"We–" Cordelia tried.

"I'm gonna get started on pulling the clippings for the– uh, flood of '75." Bucky interrupted, already turning for the library.

"Yeah. Yeah, thanks. I'll be right there" She mumbled softly, watching him walk away.

The rain whipped against the windows, the sky dark and gloomy over Millbrook. The house creaked. Like a creature with a heartbeat. Pipes groaned in warning. A draft slipped through a cracked window pane, its whistle like a choked sob. It was strangely cold for a summer night.

They'd barely spoken since she'd told him the news. Just a few casual words exchanged. Just a few glances.

The air in the room felt heavy. The tension thick. Cordelia's eyes glanced over, finding Bucky laying in front of the fireplace.

A book balancing on his chest. His arm tucked beneath his head. His eyes focused.

She couldn't help but smile. He looked so at ease, like he was right where he belonged.

Cordelia slammed her own book shut, a breath of silent exhaustion followed.

"Ready to take a break?" Bucky mumbled from across the room, his eyes still scanning the page.

"Think so.." She whispered.

"Come here" He gestured, still lost between the pages of 'Wisdom sits in places'

Her steps were soft against the old wooden floor. Bucky shifted without looking, like he already knew exactly where she'd fit.

She slipped down on the sheepskin rug, the ends of it curling from the heat of the fire. It felt soft against her skin, the brush of fur against her bare legs and her head resting gently against his chest.

He smelled like pine and wood smoke. His shirt warm beneath her palm as she tugged at the hem absentmindedly.

"You hungry?" He mumbled, his arm closing around her, his eyes still dancing along the text.

"Little bit" She mumbled, pressing her face into the crook of his neck. Bucky's heartbeat pounded against her ear, her leg finding its way over his as he tangled his fingers into her hair. She was okay right here. Sleep could take her, and it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't feel like lost time. It would feel just right, to spend whatever minutes they had left just like this.

Bucky closed the book, placing it carefully on the floor. He turned towards her, the flames crackling at his back, warming his skin.

"Can you stay tonight?" She whispered, her eyes flickering up to meet his. They were soft, carefully trailing over her features. Like he was trying to memorize every inch of her face.

And maybe he was.

Maybe he was terrified he'd forget what she looked like on a night like this. Her eyes tired from reading, her lips pouty with restlessness, her touch soft and searching.

A gentle smile tugged at his mouth, he nodded.

Of course he would stay. He'd do anything she asked.

"I can make breakfast tomorrow" She smiled up at him, her hand pressed against his chest.

"Please don't" Bucky groaned softly, making her laugh.

The quiet felt like a blanket. Encompassing. Heavy. Tight against her chest.

"You've made all this so much easier than it should've been" She whispered, her fingers brushing along his jaw.

"Just happy to help" Bucky huffed, his eyes still. Unmoving against hers. Like he was waiting for something else to be said.

Cordelia could feel the words like something stuck in her throat.

"Well, you've set an unfair standard for future collaborators" She chuckled, the nerves dancing along her voice.

"Yeah, so have you" Bucky mumbled, a half smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Cordelia remained quiet. Her eyes shifted to her hand as she brushed against the collar of his shirt. Smoothing something that wasn't there. Unable to meet his gaze as she let the small confession slip.

"It's gonna be hard not to miss you" Her whisper barely above a breath, almost catching in her throat.

Bucky felt the words hit him. Force. Tenderness. Irony. Like he'd been waiting to be fed the smallest sliver of something. Anything.

His hand moved to her face, his thumb carefully brushing along her cheek. Her skin soft against his palm.

Then don't.

He could feel himself giving in. He might say it. He might let it slip.

But he didn't.

He just let the silence fill what he couldn't bring himself to explain.

Bucky pulled her to his mouth. Slowly. Their lips brushing against each other like something that was searching. Something that could suspend this moment. Simply because they weren't sure how many more they would have.

Cordelia didn't rush to feel his skin against hers. Every movement was gentle. Heavy.

Her hands sliding up beneath his shirt. His fingers tugging at her shorts.

The heat from the fire felt blistering as it mixed with the heat of his skin.

His hand slipped between them, finding its way to her core. She was slippery beneath the brush of his fingertips. Already aching for him.

She wanted him to know. Wanted him to know how it felt when he touched her. Her soft gasp echoing against his mouth, his teeth sharp against her bottom lip. His fingers circled over her swollen clit. Her moisture warm and sticky between his fingers.

The clothes came off slowly, almost like an afterthought. His mouth trailed along her body, his tongue warm against her skin as it made her breath hitch.

Her fingers curled into his hair, her eyes closed as she focused on him.

Just him.

Bucky pressed her closer, her chest flush against his. She reached for him, the throbbing length between his legs. He was pulsing in her hand already, slightly dripping from the way she'd been breathing against his mouth, her soft moans trembling against his tongue.

She ran the tip of his cock against her sloppy core, wet and warm and slippery. Bucky steadied her pace, his hand on her hip as he pushed himself forward, feeling how she was starting to stretch around him. Inch by slow inch, he pushed further. Slipping out and slipping back in. Until he rolled his hips forward and sunk into her completely. The broken gasp that left her was enough for him to lose his grip on whatever restraint he had left.

He pushed his weight onto her, his body pinning hers to the sheepskin.

Cordelia's lips were glossy, kiss stained with his rapt craving. Her cheeks flushed.

He could hear the sound from where they were connected. How wet, and sloppy, and fucking drenched everything was.

His fingers laced with hers, his cock pulsing inside of her as she squirmed beneath him.

He could feel everything. Her chest rising against his. Her fingers trembling in his. Her legs wrapped tightly around his hips. Her breath, gentle and warm against his skin. The way her lips trailed along his throat. The words she held back.

Cordelia knew she was close to coming apart, knew she didn't stand a chance. Not against the slow roll of his hips and the way he was looking at her.

Bucky shifted, his body pulling away from hers, just for a moment. His eyes flickering away.

"Wait–no. Stay. Stay here." Her voice felt strained in her throat, the gasp building into something aching in her chest.

Bucky nodded, his body finding its place against hers again.

She was finished.

The heat of her sticky skin. The fluttering of her eyelids. Her hands slipping along his shoulders, finding his face.

She was so beautiful. So beautiful beneath him. The soft crease between her eyebrows as they pressed together, her lips parted without sound. The fire painted her skin in a delicate glow.

There was a whirl in his core. Something pulsing. His heart was in his throat, his blood rushing in his veins.

Fuck.

"I love you" His voice was strained, an involuntary whisper.

Bucky could feel the way her body gave into his, softening, despite the look in her eyes. Somewhere between terror and relief.

It wasn't a declaration. Not really. Just a truth. Just a truth that had slipped out.

Cordelia wanted to say something. Anything. But she didn't trust herself to speak. Her eyes stung with something quiet before she tugged him closer. Her lips crashed against his, swallowing his breaths as she came. Her body shattering beneath him. Everything strained and pulsed and tightened. She could feel him losing his grip too. Unraveling. Breaking apart against her.

Bucky pressed his forehead against hers. The small space between them filled with exhausted breath. Her hand on his face, fingers lacing around the back of his neck, folding into his hair.

Refusing to let him pull away.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Cordelia drew a deep sigh, her face shoved somewhere between the covers and the crook of Bucky's neck. Her eyelids were heavy with the lack of sleep, her limbs restless and her skin tingly.

She'd spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, while Bucky slept peacefully; moving softly against her.

They hadn't talked about it. And maybe they wouldn't at all. Maybe it was better that way. To pretend. To not complicate an already thorny, serpentine, tangled and convoluted situation.

But she couldn't stop hearing it.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

She couldn't stop thinking about how it felt. How it made her body melt into his. How it made her heart hammer.

She turned again.

It was 8 AM.

She might as well get started on breakfast.

Cordelia brushed her hand over his hair, pulling it back from his face. He looked so peaceful while he slept. Like there wasn't a single thought weighing him down.

She pressed a kiss to his forehead, and he moved; mumbling something softly beneath his breath.

"I'm gonna get us something to eat. I'll be right back" She whispered.

"no" He groaned, reaching for her and pulling her closer. His skin was warm, and everything about the way he held her was tempting.

"And coffee" She negotiated.

"...m'kay" He mumbled, sighing into the covers.

Cordelia giggled, slipping out from beneath the sheets while she still could, and stepped into her clothes.

She wandered the aisles quietly, nodding occasionally at the mumbled morning greetings from the other shoppers. Some of them recognized her by now, some were still just staring.

She'd never contemplated her choices for breakfast this carefully before. It felt beyond the casual quick grab of something she could scarf down while reading over her meeting notes. This felt more deliberate.

She stared at the pastry case, her head tilting slightly in indecisiveness.

Maybe madeleines? No. Too dessert-y.

Butter croissant? Boring.

Blueberry muffins sounded like a decent choice—

"Hi" a soft voice brushed against Cordelia from behind. Her eyes flickered away from the muffins, her head turning to find the person already looking at her.

Lisa.

"Hey" Cordelia managed. Her eyes trailing over the cluster of bananas she was holding in the crook of her arm. They were completely alone in the aisle. The beeping from a distant register sounded like a heartbeat.

"Lisa" she smiled, probably an innocent reintroduction. But to Cordelia it felt more like a reminder. Like a claim.

"Right. Hi. How are you?"

"Fine" Lisa smiled, a soft shrug followed.

Cordelia smiled back. She held her breath. Something was coming, but she didn't know what.

"Look. I'm not here to blow up your day or anything. I just...there are probably some things you should know" Lisa bit the inside of her cheek, her eyes darting back and forth.

"Oh?" Cordelia's voice felt small in her throat, like she was bracing for impact.

"Bucky can be a good guy. But that doesn't mean it's who he is most of the time. He's funny and smart and...weirdly sweet when he wants to be. He cares. Until he doesn't."

Cordelia swallowed. There it was. There was no point in acting surprised. Lisa already knew what Cordelia had failed to admit to herself. The very thing Bucky had admitted last night. The very thing she'd laid next to him, all night, thinking about. She wondered if Lisa could tell. If she somehow knew he was still in her bed. It felt like she might. 

"He'll get really close. And then he'll pull away. He doesn't even realize he's doing it half the time. It's like being stuck in a tide. You're not even gonna realize how far out he's dragged you until you're standing there on wet sand. Alone, might I add. He won't be anywhere in sight."

"Lisa...I–"

"I just thought since no one else was gonna tell you, I should. You don't know him. Not like I do" Her eyes were sharp. "Bucky doesn't know how to stay. Not really. Not when it counts"

Cordelia nodded. Her heart stung for the girl standing across from her. She wanted to apologize. For what, she wasn't sure. She wanted to tell her it was going to be okay. That what she felt right now would pass.

"I'm sorry you felt like you had to ask anyone to stay. You don't deserve that" Cordelia said, it was all she could muster. It might not make sense to Lisa now. She hoped one day it would.

Lisa's eyes glimmered, her lips held in a tight pout. Like she wanted to say more, but forced herself not to.

"You told me my dress was pretty" She scoffed, almost disgusted.

"I meant it" Cordelia whispered, her eyes soft.

"Yeah. Guess yours was still better" Lisa sighed.

"You—" Cordelia tried.

"I just hope you know what you're doing" Lisa huffed, her eyes darting to the basket resting over Cordelia's arm. The eggs. Two sandwiches. A bag of coffee.

"The raspberry danish. That's the one he likes" She mumbled before quickly turning on her heel and walking away.

Cordelia was a bit shaky. It was probably the lack of food. And sleep. Maybe she needed to drink more water.

She could feel her heart in her chest. She was on edge.

Like something sharp had passed too close by without drawing blood.

Lisa had seen something that Cordelia hadn't even acknowledged out loud yet. It felt like emotional trespass. Like a violation.

What was she fucking doing? She was too smart to be in this situation. Too grown up to get so tangled into something so dangerous.

This was going to hurt. Like a bitch.

She knew that now. She'd known it for longer than she cared to admit.

The scent of freshly brewed coffee had filled the house, and Cordelia jumped as she heard Bucky's footsteps creak against the stairs.

"Good morning" She called out, noticing that her voice held a tremble.

She poured a cup, holding it out to him as he turned the corner.

His hair was standing on end. His eyes still drawn with sleep, slightly narrowed against the morning light.

"Good morning" He mumbled, grabbing the cup of steaming coffee. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, lingering a bit. Taking in her scent. Cordelia let him. Let herself.

"What's all this?" His voice was low, nodding towards the table. He didn't step back. His body still resting against hers. Like the previous night hadn't even happened. Like he hadn't changed everything. Like nothing was different.

"Breakfast. Don't worry, I didn't cook any of it" She smiled up at him, trying to hold back the rush of nerves in her limbs.

"I would've eaten it anyway" He chuckled, his lips finding his favorite spot on her cheekbone.

Cordelia stood frozen, her chest in flames.

It wasn't different, because it never had been. Because it had always been this. From the start. From the moment she decided that he was worth all the distraction, and the secrets, and the sharing of things unheard by anyone else.

This moment. Or the first one. Or last night.

It was all the same.

She watched his hands move through the grocery bag. Easy. Practiced. He didn't even notice her watching him, holding her breath. How could she have been so stupid? How could she not have realized that there are few things in life that make people fit together this way. Where things didn't have to be spoken, or asked for.

"Thanks" She mumbled.

Bucky smiled, his eyes brighter and more awake.

He handed her one of the sandwiches before pulling out the other one for himself.

Cordelia's heart was in her throat. Her eyes sharp and focused on his face as he spotted the only thing left in the bag.

He pulled out the raspberry danish. The soft bread was folded over itself with a sticky center. Pearls of sugar dusted over the top.

His grin widened, turning to look at her.

"How'd you know I like this one?"

Cordelia could feel a twinge in her chest.

Lisa.

"I didn't" She managed a smile. 

Chapter Text

Bucky could feel his heart in his throat. He looked over the packet one more time. One last time. Everything was there. All his transcripts. All the transfer papers. The recommendation letter. He'd placed every paper in the correct order. Just like the checklist that Cordelia had printed for him.

He bought a nicer envelope. One of those big ones. To make sure nothing happens to it on the way. And he paid extra for tracking. And express shipping. So that it would get there as soon as possible.

He double checked the address.

Then triple checked.

Then checked one last time.

His eyes were locked on the envelope as it hit the large bin, behind the post office counter. It would be rolled to the back, and soon it would be on its way.

He let himself take a breath. It was out of his hands now. Even though part of him hoped that his crossed fingers and breathy whispers of 'please.please.please' would help.

The next stop was 45 minutes out of town.

The drive felt fast, despite how hard it had been to locate the bookstore.

But a few strange turns and questionable landmarks later, he'd found it.

Lee's.

The sign looked like it needed to be pressure washed, the wood around the doorframe looked termite eaten, and the lighting was pretty bad once you made it inside.

But it was heaven.

Crooked shelves that stretched far along the walls. Piles and piles of unsorted books. The smell of ink and paper. Creaking stairs. Moth eaten couches. This was the real stuff, he could tell.

"Hello" The man at the counter mumbled. He didn't really bother looking up. He wore a pair of aviator style glasses. His hair white and combed back. The thick white mustache hiding his top lip.

"Hey. I'm here to pick up an order." Bucky smiled, stepping closer to the counter.

"An order?" The old man looked up at Bucky, raising a confused eyebrow.

"Yes...the uh–King Lear?"

"Oh! You must be James!" He shot to his feet with a quickness that was surprising. "I have it right here!" He gestured for Bucky to follow.

They walked to one of the darker areas of the shop, squeezed between two rows of shaky shelves. His fingers brushed over the spines, barely looking. He must know it like the back of his own hand.

"Here we go" He chuckled, holding it out.

It was beautiful.

The dark royal blue cover was adorned with a rich golden pattern, matching the lettering of the title.

Bucky could see it in her hands already. Her fingers brushing over the pages. Sitting on her shelf. Or her desk.

Maybe she'd think it was silly. Maybe she'd know exactly what he was trying to say. Either way, it looked like it belonged to her.

"This is it" Bucky smiled, his eyes wide with excitement.

"For a girl?" The owner chuckled, hands on his hips and eyes twinkling behind his glasses.

Bucky blinked, a bit surprised.

"How'd you know?" His eyebrows pinched together, unable to bite back that sheepish grin.

"I have an eye for these things. You should wrap it for her." He leaned in, like he was telling him something secret.

"Yeah. Maybe I should" Bucky mumbled, running his hand over the cover.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

There it was. That glimmer in her eyes. Exactly what he had hoped for. Her lashes fluttered, her fingers brushing over the intricate gold pattern. She turned it over in her hands, picking up every little detail.

Bucky had held his breath as she opened the wrapping paper. Nervously biting the inside of his cheek. His shoulders slightly tense as he'd waited.

But it was worth it. The hunt he'd gone on for this exact copy. The special order. The drive out of town.

His chest felt warm as he watched her.

"Where'd you get this?" She whispered, lips parted and cheeks flushing.

"In a place that looked like it might collapse in the next strong breeze." Bucky chuckled, unable to rip his eyes away from her.

"Bucky, this is...it's beautiful. You shouldn't ha–" She barely managed, carefully opening it and flipping through the first few pages.

"It's a special edition. I was going to annotate it for you, but then I remembered my handwriting is pretty shit. And you're smarter than me" He shrugged, a soft laugh escaping.

Cordelia giggled, playfully slapping his arm.

She felt like she was swaying. Her heart was fluttering. And there was a burning coming from behind her eyes.

She turned the book around, catching the tiny corner of something sticking out from the top.

"What's this?" She looked up at him, her eyes filled with all the mischief he'd hoped for.

"I don't know" He feigned ignorance, shrugging as he tried to bite back his smile.

Cordelia tugged at the small corner, revealing the handwritten note he'd tucked between the pages.

"Because I like any excuse to think about you reading."

Cordelia could feel her throat tightening.

"Your handwriting is perfectly fine" She managed, her voice slightly strained.

"I underlined something else in there for you. But you have to look for it." Bucky smiled, his voice soft as he looked down at her.

"...I don't think anyone's ever given me a gift like this" She huffed. It was a realization more than it was a confession for him to hear.

"You like it, then?" He whispered, his eyes filled with anticipation as they finally landed against hers.

Cordelia didn't say a single word. She just kissed him.

"I love it," She whispered. She did. She really did.

There was no sound. Nothing except for the soft hum of the silence, and her breath settling. Bucky's eyes remained on the ceiling. His body felt heavy, like he was sinking through the mattress. He tried to focus on the way her fingertips felt as they brushed along his arm. Running up and down as she traced the shape of his bicep, and up his shoulder.

The air felt heavy. Charged. But not in the normal way. Not in the way that would make her irresistible to him.

This tension was different. It was something darker. Cloudier. Something laced with dread.

"You're quiet" She whispered, her voice soft as she moved closer. Bucky could feel the warmth from her skin, pressing against his.

"hmm...I like it like this. Feels suspended" He mumbled, still looking at the ceiling.

"Good suspended, or bad suspended?" Cordelia leaned on her elbow, her hand moving onto his chest.

"I don't know yet" Bucky smiled, finding her gaze.

"You're okay with that?"

"With what?"

"Being suspended, without knowing?" She huffed.

Bucky turned, his arm sliding over her waist.

"You make it easier. Sometimes" He teased.

"You don't"

"I don't?"

"No. You do. Which is...what ends up making it so hard."

"What if it doesn't have to be that way?" Bucky whispered, his hand finding her face.

Cordelia's eyes shifted slightly, and he could see the uncertainty taking hold.

"I know you think I haven't noticed" He mumbled.

"Noticed what?"

"How on edge you've been since that night"

"I haven't been—" Cordelia tried, pulling back from him.

"Yes. You have" Bucky wasn't going to give her the chance to hide. He was done with waiting. He'd waited all summer. He'd waited his whole life.

"It was...in the moment. We were—we'd had a long day. Everything was heightened."

"That's not why I said it" Bucky's eyes were sharp, refusing to look away. 

 "Bucky..." She tried, her voice soft.

"And you know that."

Cordelia could feel something unraveling in her core. Something was breaking open. Nothing could possibly be the right thing to say.

"We gotta have this conversation, Cordelia" Bucky finally managed, his voice soft, his eyes glimmering with impatience.

"Bucky, please...it's–" She reached for him, like touch might keep him from slipping away. She needed to steady him and herself. Maybe because she knew what was coming. Maybe because she knew he didn't.

"No, we have to. We gotta...I—you gotta let me tell you how I feel. Because I can't just..I can't go on like this. I can't pretend everything is fine when it's not and you won't even—" Bucky's shoulders looked tight, his chest rising and falling. He sat up straight, the heat from their tangled bodies fading in the space he put between them.

Cordelia didn't fight him. Didn't try to stop him. She just watched. She could do nothing but let it happen.

"I was...I was so fucking scared that life was gonna turn out like detention, for me. That I was just gonna sit there, and count the minutes until it was over. Like..." His voice shook, his eyes darting around. Like he could see that distant haze of that dreaded reality. 

"And then...I met you. And it...it felt kinda like the first time I walked into the school library, and I realized there were entire worlds in there. Like, whole fucking galaxies just sitting on the shelves. And the relief I felt. Knowing that there were places I could go, even though I was trapped here. That's what being with you feels like. Like finding out the world is so much bigger than I thought. And lighter. In some weird way. You make it feel like it's not so fucking heavy all the time." His eyes glimmered, shiny with the frustration he was trying so hard to hold back.

"Bucky...we're not—we can't–" Cordelia's tongue felt like it was tied. Her heart hammered loudly in her chest.

"Why not?"

Silence fell. Where would she possibly begin? How do you tell someone you love them too much to be with them? That didn't even sound right. Not even in her head.

"I love you" Bucky whispered. Like it was enough. Like it could ever be enough.

"Bucky. Oh, Bucky. No. No, you...I—"

"I do. I love you. It doesn't matter how much you try to pretend—" His eyes were sharp, his eyebrows pinched. The hurt in his voice cut like glass against her skin.

"Come here" She whispered, trying to reach for him as he pulled away. "Please" She urged, her hands shaking.

Bucky took a deep breath, his head hung low as he inched closer. His eyes stuck on his hands, and the way his fingers were tangling into themselves. He moved closer, letting her hands find his face. He could feel the heat from her body, her pulse beating in her palms as she held them pressed against his cheeks.

"Bucky...between the age that you are now, and the age that I am—"

"I don't care–"

"No, but listen. Please. Just listen" Cordelia had to take another breath, had to swallow the tremble in her voice.

"Between that time, there was so, so, so much that I had to do, and learn, and discover, and unlearn. There were so many things I had to find out, and try to understand about myself. And I still don't know half of it. I'm still, most days, just doing the best I can. And I know– I know that sounds like an excuse to you, right now. But it's not. It's because I care about you, that I can't let you do this. I can't let you think that this is a good idea. You'll hate me for it. And then what?" She whispered, her thumb brushing away the stray tears that had left his eyes. His face was blank. His gaze empty. Like he was staring at something that was miles away.

"I won't" He mumbled.

"You will. You will, Bucky. You'll resent me. And you'll—"

"I'm not John."

"You're not. You're nothing like him" She whispered, a soft smile managed to break through.

"But this is not about that. This isn't about him. Yes, John and I, we—we weren't good for each other. And maybe—"

"We cou–" Bucky tried, like clawing his way up the side of a cliff. He tried.

"Listen. Maybe if he and I would have waited, we would've understood that. I care about you too much to do that to you, Bucky. I care. Okay? I want you to learn. To look at the parts of yourself that are hard to look at. And I want you to be able to sit with them, without also having to sit with me." Cordelia could feel him slipping out of her grasp, even though he hadn't moved. Like sand, slipping through her fingers.

"And you can be angry with me. It's okay. I'd rather you be angry with me for this, than have you look at me one day and feel like I took something from you. That you wasted the only thing you can never get back" She felt out of breath. Terrified. She wanted him to stay. She wanted nothing more than for him to stay. But between this moment and the first time he'd said he loved her, she couldn't help but feel like she'd lost him.

"So you don't feel the same way" Bucky nodded slowly, his voice barely above a whisper.

"That's not what I'm saying" Cordelia sighed.

"So then what...are you saying?" His eyes flickered up, finally meeting hers. She hadn't even managed to wipe her own tears. The warm brown of her irises swam as she tried to keep his gaze on hers.

"Bucky, I'm trying to–"

"Don't. Please. I–I can't–" He pulled away, his face contorted into something painful. His body looked heavy as he managed himself off the bed.

"You wanted to talk about this. That's what I'm trying to do. Talk." Cordelia tried, her voice shaky, her hands gripping onto the sheets that covered her.

"Talk about what? All the ways you can't be with me? All the ways you supposedly care but...not enough to—I can't...do this right now" He reached for his clothes. He was sweating. And freezing, at the same time. How was that even possible? He felt nauseous. Like the day he'd knocked on the door and seen John Walker standing in the doorway. But worse. Somehow so much fucking worse.

"Please, don't leave. Please" Cordelia urged, reaching for her own clothes, trying to keep up with how he moved around the room.

"God, I'm so fucking stupid." He scoffed, blinking the tears out of his eyes before he wiped at them quickly.

"Bucky, please–" Cordelia tried to pull at him, tried to make him look at her.

"I gotta go" He mumbled. He squirmed out of her grip, pulling with enough force that felt like a warning. That felt like he didn't want to be followed.

"Where are you going?" Cordelia looked at him. Wide-eyed. Desperate. Scared.

"I don't know. I just...I need to not be here" He breathed, making his way through the bedroom door.

"Bucky!" She shouted after him, but it was to no avail.

He didn't even look back. 

Chapter Text

He kept wiping at the tears welling in his eyes. It was hard to see the road ahead. Not that he knew where he was going anyway.

The sun was still hours from setting, and the breeze was warm as it whipped through the open windows. Bucky's hand gripped the steering wheel tightly, as he drove in silence. His breathing felt heavy. Like he couldn't draw it deep enough to fill his lungs.

His phone was buzzing in the passenger seat. But he didn't care. He didn't want to look at it.

Seeing her name might actually work. Might actually make him turn around and go back.

And he couldn't.

He needed to think.

He passed the "Leaving Millbrook – come back soon!" sign. Feeling how his shoulders softened a bit.

He needed to leave. Needed to get out of that fucking place.

It had everything he hated. Everything he dreaded.

And her.

Now it also had her.

And he couldn't decide what that meant. Not now. Not yet.

Bucky must've known where he was going. At least part of him must have. He'd only taken the drive a handful of times. He wasn't sure why it was the first place that came to mind. Wasn't sure what he would find there. But whatever it was, it had to be better than the feeling in his chest right now. The feeling of hollow emptiness. Pain. Dread. And regret. So much regret.

The driveway already had a car parked in it, so he parked slightly off to the side.

He sat in the silence for a few minutes.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

But everything else this summer seemed to have been a bad idea.

And what was the point in stopping now?

He slowly climbed out of the car. Every step towards the front door felt like walking on glass. Like betrayal, and rage and sheer confusion.

His knuckles dragged along what looked like newly polished wood. So different from the old, worn down and stained front door of his mom's house. The house that was his home.

The house that had been their home.

It was dinner time.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting on the other side of the door. An escape? A dismissal? A hug?

He could hear the sound of movement from the other side. Footsteps dragging, muffled voices, and then the lock.

He hadn't seen him in months. Maybe even a year.

His father looked different.

His eyes a bit brighter than he remembered, his beard trimmed low and his hair longer.

His eyes were wide as they landed on Bucky, his mouth parted, eyebrows raised in what seemed to be both surprise and relief.

"Bucky?" He almost gasped, his arms jolting out for him.

"Hey dad." He mumbled, eyes welling up again.

His office looked strange. Not the way he remembered it looking last time he was here. It was warmer now. More lived-in. Like life had passed in this little space right here, while it had also passed out there, for him.

Bucky's heartbeat had calmed now. At least a little. The water had helped. So had the little bowl of fruit his father had insisted on.

He'd picked around the strawberries at first. Swallowing them felt like swallowing barbed wire.

Every bite reminded him of Cordelia. The way she'd tasted when they were laying in that field. Her mouth stained red. Her eyes playful and her hair a tangled mess.

"She's not wrong, you know" George Barnes sighed, his hands folded on the desk. Bucky's arms were still crossed as he spun back and forth in the office chair.

"Taking someone else's side already? Wow. That's gotta be record time—"

"It's not about taking a side, Bucky. It's about—"

"–I don't even know why I came here. I don't know why I thought you of all people would understa–" Bucky groaned, rolling his eyes as he began to stand up.

"James. Sit down" George's voice was stern. The kind of tone that he would use when Bucky was in trouble. Like the time he stole more than half a bottle of his good whiskey and replaced it with expired apple juice.

"She's not wrong. And I don't want you to twist that into something it's not. I know you're hurt. I know you're on edge. And I'm not saying she's right to push you away. I'm just saying...she's a bit older than you, and she might just be seeing something you don't see yet" George's voice was calm, his eyes fastened on Bucky's, who had sunk back into the office chair, arms crossed over his chest again.

He'd grown up. His face had lost so much of its childish softness. He looked sharper now. More like a man. More like George himself, when he was younger.

"I wish everyone would stop treating me like I'm an idiot. Like I don't know what love feels like because I'm not old enough" Bucky mumbled, his shoulders tight again.

"I don't doubt for a second that you know exactly what it feels like. In fact, you probably know better than any of us. Because when you're young, which you are–there's no sense in pretending you're not. But when you're young, love feels like it should be enough. Sometimes, it can be. But most times, it gets tangled up with timing. And readiness. With who you are when you meet someone, and who you'll become while trying to love them the right way."

"I don't think she doesn't love me" Bucky scoffed, remembering the desperation in his own voice as he'd hoped for her to return those same words he'd offered. Like his heart on a plate in exchange for hers. Or a piece. Or just a sliver.

"I don't think that's true. I think she does. I think...she's smart enough to know how these things can fall apart. And that she's maybe lived a little more life than you. It takes a great deal of love to do what she did." George shrugged, leaning back in his own chair.

Bucky had always been a hard headed kid. Had never known any in-betweens. He was all or nothing. It made things harder for him. All his lows were so low. All his highs were so high.

It had made George and Winnie worry, as parents. The inability to protect him from himself, in some ways.

"So, what? I'm supposed to say thank you? I'm supposed to be grateful she pushed me away–because of what? Because she's trying to protect me? Like I'm—some child?" Bucky's eyes were red. His face flushed. He'd rubbed his nose on the sleeve of his jacket so much his skin felt raw. But none of that hurt more than the twisting in his stomach.

The room grew silent. Heavy with frustration.

George took a deep breath, leaning forward to catch his son's gaze.

"You know...I know what it means to wake up one day and realize that you skipped a big step of becoming yourself. And wanting someone to blame for it. Your mother and I—"

Bucky huffed, rolling his eyes.

"This is nothing like you and mom" His voice was sharp.

"I left a lot behind. And there's reasons that...you wouldn't understand yet. And then there's reasons you may never understand, and that's fair. Some of it is cowardly, and terrifying and maybe even—the point being, I couldn't bear to look at who I was back then. Couldn't bear to admit I hadn't been ready for the life I chose"

"Yeah, we figured" Bucky scoffed, his shrug was nonchalant. But George knew his son. And he saw the pain right through that fake wall he was trying so hard to hold up. Even though the bricks were coming apart one by one.

"I think about it every day. Every time you take three days to answer a text message. Or ignore a phone call. I get it. I deserve it. But it doesn't change the fact that I want you to grow into exactly who you want to be, Bucky. I want you to have a say over your life, and figure it out. And ask for help when you need to— that's fine. But you need to do it. Fist clenched and teeth gritted, if you have to." George's voice was shaky.

"What if I don't want to. What if I can't?" Bucky mumbled, his eyes spacey, his shoulder slumped.

"Then you'll still be the only thing I ever needed you to be. My kid." George whispered.

Bucky's eyes flickered to his father. It was like looking into a mirror. The same shade of blue.

"That's it?"

"Son, that's everything" George smiled.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Cordelia looked different. Slightly disheveled. Like she'd ran the whole way. Her shoulders were tight. A flush still rising in her cheeks. Her eyes were glossy. But not in the way that someone would look if they had just cried. More like someone who might start crying at any moment. Like she was trying her hardest not to.

"Delia–" Winnie barely managed, before being met with the frantic tone in her voice.

"Is he here? Is Bucky here?" She blurted out. Her voice was shaky.

"No...no, I thought he was with you, is–are you alright?" Winnie's eyebrows pinched. Something was wrong with this picture.

"He, uh—he left. And he's not answering his phone. I was just trying to get a hold of him to—"

"Did you have a fight?" Winnie's voice sounded softer than Cordelia thought she deserved.

She could feel her heart jolt at the question. Every drop of blood in her body rushed through her veins. Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.

"We—we—" Cordelia tried, but when her gaze fastened on Winnie's, something shattered. She wasn't sure if she should cry or apologize first.

"Yes." She managed, her voice strained. It felt like swallowing glass. The word ripping at her from inside. "God, Winnie, I'm so embarrassed. I never meant to–" She whimpered.

"Come in" Winnie sighed, stepping to the side and urging Cordelia through the door.

The ticking from the clock in the kitchen echoed between each of Cordelia's heartbeats. Her limbs felt oddly stiff. The house she'd known as a place of welcoming warmth suddenly felt dark and cold. Like they hadn't been laughing over coffee and old article clippings only a couple months ago, sitting at this very table.

Cordelia's eyes lingered on the steam rising from the cup of tea between her hands. Winnie had offered something stronger. Jokingly, but not really.

She didn't want anything stronger though, she could barely stomach the tea with how everything inside of her was twisting. She felt like she could throw up.

"Thank you for not slamming the door in my face" She finally managed, trying to breathe in the warm steam. She was shivering, despite the blazing summer heat that clung to the walls.

"Don't flatter yourself. I considered it" Winnie mumbled, taking a sip of her own tea. She looked somewhat dissatisfied. Like she might've needed something stronger herself.

"It would've been deserved"

"Maybe. But I like you" Winnie sighed. "And more importantly, my son does" Winnie's voice sank as she said the word. Son. It was the knife in Cordelia's ribs. It was the twisting of the hilt.

Her son.

What the fuck had she done.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen. Not this way. I just—" Cordelia couldn't keep her voice from breaking. Her fingers trembled as she pulled the cup to her mouth, sipping on the tea slowly.

"Don't bother with the long version. I've known for long enough. I just...wasn't sure what to do with it." Winnie shrugged, a hint of a soft chuckle on her voice.

"You have?"

"Delia. I'm his mother. And I'm nosy. Bucky—suddenly helpful with the groceries; no bribes, no complaints? Volunteering at the museum? Picking out what happens to be your favorite wine? And all that smiling! I won't ask you what you do to get him to smile like that, I'm pretty sure I can live without knowing. But my gloomy boy, suddenly like a ray of sunshine? It wasn't very hard to miss." Winnie scoffed, almost offended that Cordelia had even asked such a question.

The storm in Cordelia's chest felt, for the first time in hours, like it might have a chance to settle. Like the clouds could possibly part. Like maybe, she could draw a deep breath again.

"Oh my god" She sighed, pressing the heels of her palms into her tightly closed eyes.

"And you weren't very hard to read either" Winnie chuckled.

Cordelia's eyes shot up again, her hands hiding beneath the table.

"Me?" She almost whispered, like she was in disbelief.

"I know how stressed you've been. The dissertation. The research. Selling the house. John." Winnie took a deep breath, her mouth tugging into a soft smile. "And then suddenly...glowing" She shrugged.

Cordelia was speechless. Her lips parted slightly as she looked at Winnie, but nothing fell out. She didn't know what could possibly be said now. After everything. After she'd ruined it all.

"You know, Bucky was always a...heavy hearted child. Ever since I can remember. I mean he'd laugh—my goodness, he's got such a good laugh. But he's always been so in his head. Always thinking, thinking, thinking." Winnie sighed.

"And then when his dad and I split up, it got worse. He shut down in ways that were—I mean, into places even I couldn't reach". Winnie sipped her tea. "And then you" she smiled.

Cordelia shifted nervously.

"He has...less rainy days. With you." Winnie smiled, the crows feet by her eyes showing how genuine it was.

"God, I'm so sorry, Winnie." Cordelia mumbled, staring at her cup.

"I don't want your apology, Delia. You're both adults. And god knows you don't choose who you fall in love with" Winnie scoffed.

Cordelia's throat tightened at the word. Love. 

"I'm just asking you to go easy on him. Bucky...he feels everything too hard. It was something his father and I both tried our fair share of tackling. I remember, the first time I became truly concerned. He was 11, and Ricki had torn pages from one of his favorite books. They got into a silly fight over something, as children do. He was devastated. My goodness, the boy was inconsolable. For weeks!" Winnie laughed at the memory, remembering the cold rush of fear through her bones when her son had looked her in the eyes that night, hurt and angry, and tears welling.

"He looks at me that night, when I tuck him in and he says 'Ma. I'll survive this. But I will never recover from it'. Can you believe that? At 11!" She chuckled.

Cordelia laughed with her, finally feeling like she could muster enough dignity to look her friend in the eyes again.

"God, that boy. He makes everything feel like the end of the world" Winnie sighed.

"Yeah, well. Think he was born to be a writer, that one" Cordelia smiled.

The sky was darkening as she walked out of the front door to the Barnes house. Maple hollow drive looked peaceful in the evening light. The sound of water sprinklers and crickets danced along the street as she walked back to the Walker house. There was a soft chill in the air. A gust of wind that brushed against her already prickled skin.

She'd thought it would make her feel lighter. The conversation with Winnie. But all it had done was make her feel worse. Worse for letting him leave. Worse for not being careful. Worse for letting it get this far.

For letting herself—

Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

She nearly tripped over herself trying to get to it. Heart pounding. Breath catching.

It was him.

It was him.

It had to be him.

John (Do Not Answer)

Cordelia could feel something like sour bile rise in her throat.

It was hurt and disgust and frustration and rage.

All of it tangling together into something that felt like a punch straight into her gut.

She clicked the phone shut.

Chapter Text

The wind danced through Bucky's hair.

"Welcome to Millbrook! – Don't blink or you'll miss it"

Bucky let a huff escape. That sign had always made him laugh. Not necessarily because it was particularly funny. But because it was tragically accurate.

The tearful, frantic drive to his father's house felt like days ago, though less than 10 hours had passed. But it had been enough time away from everything. Enough to help clear his head. To change his mind.

Bucky was still angry, sure. But at least now he knew why.

He'd gained some perspective.

Maybe.

The sky was bathed in a soft gloomy blue. Something that matched his eyes at nighttime. Maybe the way they looked beneath the porch light as they played poker on Torres' deck. Maybe the way they looked through the soft light of Cordelia's curtains at dusk; right before night would set on the house.

He shifted in his seat.

Fire still rising in his chest at the thought of her. But not bad. Not in the way that seared. More like a warmth that burned deep.

He was almost there.

8.43 PM.

The lawns were empty. Only sprinklers and abandoned soccer balls laid across patches of bright grass.

He slowed on the gas, turning into the Walker driveway. He followed the familiar path to the house. He could do it with his eyes closed now.

But the spot where Bucky would park his car was taken.

He pulled in next to it, his eyes shifting across the make and model as he came to a stop.

Old Cadillac. Deep cherry red. Custom plates.

Bucky wasn't sure what he was walking in on. He could hear the sound of voices from around the corner as he started towards the house. It didn't sound like a conversation. Not a pleasant one, anyway.

More like shouting.

"–just showing up unannounced because I won't—"

"Oh, come on! This used to be normal for us! Remember? Fight and make up—"

"This was never normal, John. You cornering me like this? This was always about fucking control–"

"You wanna be a fucking victim, Delia? You want me to—"

Bucky walked faster, his steps echoing loudly as he turned the corner. He wasn't sure what he was going to see. But he was preparing for the worst.

The sight of John closing in on Cordelia made Bucky's body leap. The adrenaline jolted through his limbs. Urging him to attack without even thinking.

He reached for the back of John's collar, and flung him aside.

It was so sudden that neither of them had seen him coming.

"What the fu–" John managed, stumbling over his own legs.

"Bucky—" Cordelia tried, a choked gasp.

"Hah! Look at that. How convenient. How's the internship going, Barnes? Learned anything new yet?" John sneered at Bucky, laughing as he regained his footing. "Do all your assistants get special access like this? Organizing sessions at night? What else do you two do, I wonder?" John's smile was venomous.

"You okay?" Bucky ignored him, his eyes fastened on Cordelia. She didn't look defeated. Not quite. But she was tired, he could tell.

Her shoulders softened a bit, almost like there was a wave of relief washing over her.

"I'm fine" She mumbled, nodding softly.
"Wow. Adorable. Fucking adorable. This is what you've been doing, Delia? This is why you don't answer your phone anymore? You're so fucking predictable. Jesus. Is he any good at least?" John inched closer to Bucky, his eyes flickering over him. Like a challenge. Like a bait.

"Fuck you, John" Cordelia huffed.

"Oh you came at the right time, buddy. Big fight like this always gets her in the mood." He winked.

Bucky wanted nothing more than to wipe that shit eating grin off his face.

"I think you should leave" Bucky sighed, trying to keep his cool despite the heat flushing up from his chest. Like flames stroking at his neck. His fists so tight it was starting to strain his shoulders.

"Or what? You're gonna make me?" John cackled. "You think all that height you've gained bought you some strength, Barnes? Or do you just feel like a man because she lets you wet your dick–" John's head snapped to the side, Bucky's fist clashing against his jaw.

He could hear Cordelia gasp, but he had no time to check before he was pummeled to the ground.

"You fucking punk—" John managed, his hands clasped around Bucky's collar as they wrestled in the grass.

They both reached, swinging on anything that moved.

Bucky felt the throbbing pain against his eyebrow, but he wasn't sure where it had come from.

Shoulders slammed, and the dirt was smearing on their clothes. John was hovering above him. And then he wasn't. And then he was, again.

There was blood.

But he couldn't be sure who it belonged to.

His eyes darkened.

He hated John Walker.

He hated Millbrook.

He hated himself.

The rage in his chest was like glass. Shattering and piercing everything it could touch.

It was enough to propel Bucky forward, slamming John's back against the lawn. His knuckles hurt as he fed him punch after punch. But he didn't care anymore. He wanted to hurt him. Wanted to—

Bucky's breath caught in his throat, and John's hands flew up to cover his own face as the drench of cold water soaked them.

"Stop it!" Cordelia shouted, showering them down with the hose. The two men stumbled away from each other, both of them crawling and covering their faces.

The water was freezing. Like a thousand tiny needles piercing his skin.

John was coughing, on his hands and knees, struggling to get up.

Bucky rolled onto his back, hands in the air to signal surrender. The cold water soaked his shirt, making it stick to the damp ground.

"You, over there! And you, all the way on that side. Move!" Cordelia shouted, finally stopping the water as she directed them to opposite sides of the lawn.

"Fucking animals" She mumbled beneath her breath, slightly out of breath.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

"...stupid" Cordelia mumbled, her voice barely above a whisper. Bucky could feel his face throbbing. Slightly numb, but still sore as she dabbed the damp cloth against the cut in his eyebrow.

He winced slightly, trying not to move.

"I didn't like the way he was talking to you." Bucky managed, his lips barely moving, his eyes focused on something far away.

"I had it under control"

"Yeah. Looked totally under control" He huffed, wincing as Cordelia pressed harder against the bleeding cut in his skin.

"Sit still" Cordelia sighed.

"I am still"

"You're flinching"

"It hurts" Bucky managed through half-gritted teeth.

Cordelia put the cloth down, tugging at a package of bandaids.

The silence felt heavy, and buzzing.

"He wasn't going to hit me, you know," Cordelia whispered.

"I wasn't gonna wait and find out" Bucky countered, sharper than he meant to.

She swallowed, taking her time with peeling back the layers of the box.

"Where'd you go?" She whispered, looking at her hands.

"My dad's" Bucky was still speaking through a clenched jaw. His fists still slightly clenched.

"How was it?" She looked up at him, carefully brushing his hair away from his face to reveal the cut.

"Nice. Actually." Bucky shrugged, trying not to wince as she pressed the bandaid down on the split in his skin.

He watched her face as she worked. Memorizing every single detail. The soft line running down the middle of her bottom lip. The golden flecks in her brown eyes. The soft burn across her cheeks.

She looked so much like the first time he'd seen her. Standing in the den at his mothers house.

"There. Good as new" She mumbled.

"You think it'll leave a cool scar?" Bucky smiled, his shoulders softer now.

"I don't know. I hope not"

"Why not?" He reached for her, his warm hand wrapping around her wrist as he pulled her closer.

Cordelia melted into him. Unable to resist his touch.

"Does this really look like a moment I'd like to remember?" She laughed, slowly finding his shoulders as she pressed herself closer to him. His skin smelled like summer. Like sun and grass. His chest moved slowly against hers. She tried to bite back the burning in her throat. The dread that lingered in her limbs.

She was scared. So scared that she might not get more of this. More of him, after tonight.

"I do" Bucky whispered.

She huffed. No words. Just a soft breath as her eyes lingered on his.

"It's brave what you did–not...punching John. Coming back."

"Yeah well...turns out my dad might know some things about some things. Or whatever." Bucky shrugged, feeling heat rise in his cheeks.

"You told him about us?" Cordelia fidgeted nervously with a few strands of his hair.

"I did." Bucky smiled, she could see something like a sense of pride written across his face.

"Does he hate me?" She whispered.

"No, of course not." Bucky chuckled.

"Your mother knows too"

"What?" His eyes grew wide. The thought of Winnie knowing was infinitely scarier than his father.

"I thought you might've gone home. So I went to check. She took one look at me, and that's all she needed apparently" Cordelia chuckled.

"Were you upset?"

Cordelia nodded softly.

"I'm sorry" Bucky whispered.

"I am too" Cordelia smiled, her hand resting gently against his face.

"I take it she didn't have that heart attack you were so worried about giving her?"

"No. Just told me not to ruin your life" She shrugged, sighing softly.

"Too late" Bucky teased.

Cordelia slapped the back of her hand against his shoulder, making him laugh.

"hey! one fist fight at a time, please" Bucky feigned a groan, pressing his forehead against her chest.

Darkness had swallowed up the old Walker house. As well as the rest of Millbrook.

It was unusually quiet. Not even the pipes made their usual noise.

Cordelia's bedroom was chilly. The cool air had set in the walls, floating above them where they laid on the bed.

Cordelia didn't want to move. She was so tangled into Bucky that she might as well be part of him. Her head had found its regular place on his chest. She had a favorite spot now. Right below his chin. Right above his heart. It hammered slowly against her ear.

She brushed her fingers carefully along his skin, tracing small swirls along the shape of his body.

Down the line in his stomach.

Across his chest.

Along his collarbone.

"Bucky?" She whispered.

"Yes" He mumbled, his voice soft.

"Are you asleep?"

"No"

"Okay"

"Are you tired?" He sighed, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. He'd gotten so used to finding her there now. Pressed up right against him. He didn't even have to reach for her, most of the time. He was going to miss that.

"Not really..." She shrugged.

"Excited about Chicago? Must feel good. Going home" He whispered.

"Yeah. I thought I'd be more excited."

"What's the first thing you're gonna do?"

"Hmm...get some proper chinese food" She chuckled.

"We have proper Chinese food!" Bucky argued.

"No. You do not" Cordelia laughed.

"What's your favorite place?"

"Jasmine Garden. It's not the best one. But it's my favorite. I get the mongolian beef. Spicy. And sweet and sour soup"

"That sounds good" Bucky chuckled. Even her food order sounded so distinctly like her.

"I'll take you. If you ever come visit"

"Do you want me to come visit?"

Cordelia shifted, moving onto her elbow. Her eyes found his in the dark, a soft smile on her mouth.

"Yes" She whispered.

"Okay" He smiled.

It felt a little silly. A little like the dreams and plans he'd shared with his friends in Steve's poolhouse. Except he was old enough to know better now. Old enough to know when certain things just weren't going to be. Even if you said they would.

"What about you? You excited for Harvard?" She giggled.

Bucky huffed, shaking his head.

"I'll let myself be excited when I see that acceptance letter. Not a minute sooner" He argued.

"So cynical..." Cordelia pouted.

"Realistic" Bucky corrected. "That's how you avoid crushing disappointment" He smiled.

"Have you? Avoided crushing disappointment?"

"...no" Bucky laughed.

Bucky's chest felt heavy. Filled to the brim with everything he couldn't bring himself to say.

"Best case, I'll be in Boston after Christmas. Worst case, nothing changes. And I can tell myself that Boston is full of people with too many umbrellas and superiority complexes, and feel better about not going." He huffed.

"Nothing changes?" Cordelia whispered.

Bucky shifted, his chest pressed against hers as he turned to face her. Cordelia wrapped her arms over his shoulders, letting his hand wander along the small of her back as his eyes lingered on her mouth.

"Not really. I keep...floating" He smiled.

"Yeah. I guess." Cordelia sighed.

"You gonna send me a copy of your dissertation?" He mumbled, his lips brushing against her jaw. His kisses soft.

"If you insist. I'm sure I'll be able to squeeze that in between getting new furniture and sending out hundreds of thank you letters." She giggled.

"I've seen you juggle more than that. Should be no problem. As long as you take breaks."

"How will I remember without you there to remind me?" Cordelia teased, her lips brushing against his now. His breath warm. He smelled like her soap. And her sheets. And her little sliver of life here in this pile of disaster.

"I don't know. Get a cat. They're bossy." Bucky whispered before he closed his mouth against hers.

There was no rush. Nothing new to find. Just soothing familiarity. Just comfort. And swallowed words that would never make it to the surface. And lingering hands. And soft gasps. And something that felt a lot like love. 

Chapter Text

"Did you pack your toothbrush, honey? the new one. Not the one that looks like it's been shell-shocked" Winnie fussed.

"Yes. Jesus, who even says shell-shocked anymore?" Bucky chuckled to himself.

"And I put that small sewing kit in your bag, just in case—oh, and a spare charger. I know how much you like to leave your charger in places it's not meant to be left. And make sure your insurance card is in your walle–"

"Ma. I got it. We do this every time. I'll be fine" Bucky smiled, zipping up his duffel bag.

"I know. I just hate to send you off without making sure—" Winnie mumbled, swaying nervously over her son.

"If I forget something important I can just drive back on a weekend. I'm not even that far away"

"Next fall you will be. You'll be in Boston" Winnie corrected, her voice shaky.

"We don't know that for sure yet" Bucky sighed, a soft smile tugging at his mouth.

"I do. You'll be in Boston. Ugh, my beautiful boy!" Winnie's voice cracked, her eyes welling up.

"Ma..." Bucky sighed, letting his mother twist him into a tight hug. She felt smaller than she ever had as she wrapped her arms around him, sobbing against his chest. They did this every time. Winnie hated watching him go.

"I know—I know. I just hate this part" She sighed, finally letting go of him. She tugged at the shoulder of his shirt, straightening the hem a bit. "I...I'm not sure if you know that, we—Delia and I–" Winnie tried, dancing around the topic more than she had intended.

"She told me" Bucky stopped her. It was already embarrassing enough.

"Oh. I thought as much" Winnie chuckled nervously, letting the silence linger.

"Bucky, I understand that it can be–"

"I get it. It was irresponsible and— I'm sorry I lied to you. I–"

"Honey. I'm not—I'm not upset. I was trying to say, I understand it can be complicated. But complicated doesn't mean wrong. Not if you're kind to each other. Not if it makes you better. And you have been. You've been better. I can tell" She smiled, brushing his hair back.

Bucky swallowed. He didn't dare speak. Didn't dare look his mother in the eyes.

"If anything, I'm pleasantly surprised. Delia might be...a deeply unexpected choice. Doesn't mean she's a bad one".

"That's one way to put it" Bucky scoffed, his eyes still fixed on the floor.

"You know, a year ago you were flailing—don't roll your eyes! You were! you were...angry, and drifting, and thinking about everyone else's life but your own. And now you're not. You're doing something." Winnie's voice was soft, her hands reaching for his.

"It gets strange, when you grow up. Love, and all those other things. You don't get to time it. Any of it. And it can start to feel like life has turned into something that's just...coming at you. Just remember it's also coming from you" She whispered.

"Did you come up with that just now?" Bucky's eyes narrowed in surprise.

"Where did you think all that brains you have came from? And please don't say your father" Winnie rolled her eyes, making Bucky laugh.

"Never" Bucky grinned.

It was the usual dread of goodbyes, hiding behind the large looming shadow of what awaited him further down the neighborhood. Cordelia's house.

Ricki pretended she didn't care. But the fidgeting fingers on her belt loop told him differently. Her eyes shifty and knees slightly swaying back and forth.

She hugged him harder this time. Her arms closed around him fully. Different from the usual half hug and snide jest. Like the going away was real. Like it was a test run of what could be a new reality. Of him being far away.

"Packed all your emotional baggage too?" Ricki mumbled.

"Come on. You know I never go anywhere without it" Bucky laughed.

"You...say goodbye to her yet?"  Ricki tilted her head towards the street, her eyes alluding to something that didn't need words for him to understand.

"Going there next" Bucky sighed.

Ricki nodded, her arms crossed again.

"You'll be back for thanksgiving, right?"

"Yeah. Unless–"

"Unless you won't"

"I'm not leaving forever, you know"

"I know. But...what if you are?" Ricki chuckled, but her eyes were welling.

Bucky knew now what he had failed to understand all those years ago. All those nights in recent memory that he'd spent thinking about not knowing when the last moment was. All that heavy weight of carrying around nostalgia like it was a body part that had stopped functioning but refused to fall off.

And although this goodbye, right here, in the driveway of his childhood home was nothing new, and definitely not the last one; it was something else.

It was the first of many to follow.

He looked at the house behind Ricki. The window to his bedroom.

That was it.

No matter where he went now. It would never quite feel like his again.

Neither would this place.

"You gonna be okay?" Bucky teased.

"Yeah. You?"

"Ask me in a week" He sighed.

"I'll ask at Thanksgiving"

"Deal" He smiled, hugging his sister again.

After all, he couldn't be sure when the next time would be.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

Bucky waited. Leaned against his car. Parked in her driveway.

If someone had told him that he'd get to know every in and out of the Walker house before summer was over, he would've never believed them.

He knew that house like the back of his hand now. He'd walked it in the dark. Tired. Drenched from the rain. He knew what the railing felt like beneath his hand as he'd stumbled up the stairs. Eyes focused on nothing but Cordelia.

He knew the sound of the old pipes was different from the sound of the washing machine. 

He knew the smell of the library, and how the scent of coffee traveled through the different rooms.

He knew the exact path between Cordelia's bed and the bathroom. Knew she kept the soap to the left side of the sink. The towels to the right.

He knew how the bed frame stretched out an extra few inches, and to be careful when stumbling back in the dark.

He knew all these things about a place he would never set foot in again.

The windows, that had looked like a menacing pair of eyes to him as a child, now seemed softer.

He knew how the sun tilted in through them. How it stretched over Cordelia as she slept.

His stomach twisted.

He could feel heat rising in his chest. Different from the heat on his skin.

He tried to breathe, tried to let the birdsong and crickets fill his mind.

But it was no use.

His mind refused to wander anywhere else, as soon as she walked out. Sunkissed. Hair hair falling over her shoulders in a mess of waves.

The ripped shorts that looked too big in the waist.

The sideways knot in her t-shirt.

Beautiful.

Words weren't necessary. And even if they were, they would never be enough.

Cordelia was smiling, but her eyes were shifty.

She was looking at him, sure. But not quite.

Not the way she usually did. With intent. On purpose. Watching. Observing.

Memorizing.

"Hi" She said, small and quiet.

"Hey" He smiled. He wanted to reach for her already. Cling to her. Standing here without being close to her felt like wasting every precious second.

"You look nice" He whispered.

"You too"

The sun was bright, making her eyes squint as she looked at him. Her arms were crossed, her foot playing against the gravel in the driveway.

Cordelia felt like her limbs were on fire. Like she was carrying a sack of sand on her chest.

Like she should do something. Say something. Extend this moment somehow. Suspend it. Stop it from moving.

But everything moved. Everything swayed slowly around them. The clouds. The treetops. Time.

"You got everything?"

"Define everything," Bucky smiled.

"I don't know. Socks. Dignity?" She sighed.

"One of those things might be in short supply"

Cordelia huffed, looking down at her shoes.

"I don't know how to do this," She whispered.

"Me neither. I was kind of hoping you'd have an idea. Looks like we're shit out of luck" Bucky chuckled.

"Feel like we never had much to begin with. So it's kinda fitting" Cordelia giggled.

"I don't know if I agree with that" He whispered, finally catching her eyes as she looked up at him. They were large, and glossy and so so pretty.

"Fuck, am I gonna miss you" He managed, his voice a strained huff.

"It'll fade. And then it'll pass" Cordelia smiled.

"You're a shitty liar, Cordelia"

"Just like in King Lear" She laughed.

"Finish it yet?"

"Didn't start it yet"

"Will you let me know how you like it?" Bucky smiled.

"Of course," She nodded.

The silence would've been bearable if it wasn't for the sound of summer hanging over them. A reminder that everything was so temporary. Even this warmth swould fade into cold darkness.

"You'll text?" Bucky mumbled.

"Of course. You?" Cordelia looked at him a bit hesitantly. Like he might say no.

"Maybe. If I think of something witty to say. Or something smart" He chuckled.

"Or something stupid?"

"Or something stupid" he agreed. "When's your flight?"

"In a few weeks" Cordelia shrugged.

"You gonna be ready to leave by then?"

"Hopefully. Ricki offered to help with packing." She laughed.

Bucky rolled his eyes.

"Give her precise tasks. Thorough instructions. Preferably something that requires her full attention. That way she won't talk you into tinnitus" He sighed, sounding slightly apologetic.

"I don't mind." Cordelia whispered. "She reminds me of you".

Bucky felt his heart jolt, like a punch to the chest.

"Oh—I almost forgot. I have something for you" He straightened his shoulders, stepping away from where he was leaning against the car.

Cordelia's eyes lingered on his face as he dug through his pocket, taking in every detail. She wanted to remember all of him. For as long as she could.

"Here" Bucky smiled, holding out an earring. Long dangly gold pieces, with a pearl detail.

"My earring!" Cordelia gasped softly, reaching for it. "I thought it was lost forever" She laughed, holding it up to the light.

"It was between the seats, from—well, you know" Bucky huffed, his cheeks getting warmer.

"Thank you" Cordelia whispered, closing her fingers over the earring resting in her palm.

Bucky took a deep breath, throwing one last glance at the house that loomed behind them.

"Well...I gotta get going" He mumbled.

"Right. Yeah." Cordelia shrugged, running her hand through her hair.

Bucky leaned closer, the side of his face brushing against hers as he pressed his lips gently against her cheek. The scent of her hair whirled between them. It had become so familiar to him now. Like a flower garden. He'd never smell anything sweet without thinking about her.

Cordelia didn't move. Her shoulders tight and her arms crossed over her chest as she tried to breathe. Swallowing down everything that threatened to rise in her chest.

Bucky lingered, his lips soft against her skin, until he pulled away.

He could hear her breath catch. Her eyelashes fluttering. Her gaze locked on the ground. She could hear the sound of his car door, opening slowly. She could see his hand gripping the side.

One more step and he would be gone.

One more step and he would be lost.

The air felt heavy. Filled with things that would never be enough. No matter how much she wanted them to.

"Cordelia, we—" Bucky tried, but the words choked in his throat as she collapsed onto him. Her arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Her face pressed to his chest.

Bucky could feel her uneven breathing. The shiver in her shoulders. The tears that soaked the fabric of his shirt.

There was nothing to do, but to hold her. His arms closed around her body tightly.

They stood there. In the beaming sun. In her driveway. At a strange crossing  between never and not yet. A place he'd never been before. A place that had no name but hers.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when she started to pull away. Her face looking up at him from where she'd buried herself close to his heart.

He brushed his thumb across her cheek, wiping at the wet streaks from her tears.

Her skin was warm. And soft.

Her cheeks still pink from the sun. Her lashes clumped together.

He pulled her face closer, their lips brushing at first. Just a soft, lingering touch. And then they clashed.

He kissed her like he needed to remember. Needed to memorize the way her mouth felt against his. Needed to steal another moment. Another second.

Cordelia clung to him. Her body heavy against his as her hands pressed against his chest.

Bucky's lips lingered, softly pulling away. His eyes searching her face. Her mouth still  slightly parted. Her lips kiss stained. Both of them out of breath.

"Bucky..." She whispered, barely managing through the tears filling her eyes.

"I know" His voice was soft, his hand still cupping her cheek, brushing along her skin. "It's okay." He smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

The dread tugged at Cordelia's chest as he untangled himself from her. The torn warmth of his body left an ache. A shiver. Something cold.

"I gotta go" He mumbled, his hand still lingering in hers.

Cordelia nodded, her words failing her as she bit back the tight sob in her throat.

She stayed in the driveway as he got into the car. The engine starting and the wheels turning. The tires crunching loud against the gravel.

The echo of silence as he turned down the road, and drove out of sight.

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"....oh! And I got us a table at the orchard! It's new. You're gonna love it. Very old academia meets art nouveau. Very you" Darcy giggled.

"Any place that has a strong drink, I'm in." Cordelia smiled, pulling a strip of tape over the last box. Darcy's framed face smiled back at her from inside the laptop screen. It was balancing slightly sideways between a pile of books and an old suitcase.

"Say less. I have our entire week planned. Not a moment of silence. Or overthinking." Darcy urged, throwing Cordelia a stern look.

"They let you take time off for an entire week?"

"Yes. For emergencies they do" Darcy flashed a mischievous smile.

"Great. So I've officially turned into an emergency."

"Absolutely. Red sirens and crisis meetings. I even considered making a powerpoint"

Cordelia smiled, shaking her head as she pushed the last box out of the way.

"But seriously. Are you okay?" Darcy whispered.

"Depends on the hour" Cordelia managed a half-smile, fidgeting with the thin strips of tape stuck to her fingers. "I will be though. Once I stop feeling like every object in this house is holding its breath" She scoffed.

"It's okay not to be so heroic about it. This entire thing obviously meant something to you, Delia. That's not a bad thing"

"Feels pretty bad" She mumbled.

"I know. But for what it's worth, you've always left places better than you found them. Even people. Even John, dare I say?" Darcy raised a hesitant eyebrow.

"Still an incurable asshole" Cordelia shook her head in disagreement.

"Alright. He's an anomaly. But everything else I said is true!"

"Tell me that again when I'm crying in O'Hare over a soft pretzel?" Cordelia whined, her eyes closed and head tilting back.

"Of course. Just FaceTime me when you're at the foodcourt"

Cordelia managed a laugh, even if her chest felt slightly heavy.

"Thanks, Darce. I missed you"

"Obviously. I'm very missable" Darcy rolled her eyes.

"I have to pull together my carry-on bag. But I'll text you when I make it to the airport?" Cordelia smiled.

"I'll be there early. At baggage claim" Darcy insisted.

"I'll see you in Chicago"

"See you at home"

The phone call dropped with a soft chime as Cordelia's laptop screen turned black. She reached for it, shutting it gently and putting it into her bag.

The house had come together quicker than she'd expected it to. Ricki Barnes was one hell of a packer. And between talking about future colleges and the plethora of questionable things you could find community groups for on facebook, putting her life away into boxes went by pretty fast.

The movers would be here any minute.

She'd sold the car last week. And the house the week before that.

All that she had left was whatever had been packed with boxes marked in red sharpie. Everything else was going to a donation center, or the trash heap.

The bedroom looked so much smaller with everything put away. She tiptoed between the boxes as she made her way to the small pile of books that had been left unpacked.

The sunlight tilted in through the bedroom window, stretching across the floorboards. Reaching over her like a warm embrace as she picked through the spines one by one. Having something to read for the road wasn't a terrible idea.

And there it was.

The perfect choice.

Her fingers brushed over the spine before she pulled it out from the stack. The golden letters glimmered in the sunlight.

King Lear.

Cordelia smiled to herself, her thumb stroking along the thick, hand torn pages.

They were still crisp, despite being slightly yellowed.

She didn't mind.

It was the mark of a well loved book. Something that had been carried to many places. Read over and over, to earn its appearance. Something that had been appreciated and beloved.

She carefully split the book open, revealing the first title page.

Her eyes caught the tiny little scribble in the bottom corner.

23;14.

She felt her heart jolt. She recognized it immediately. She'd spent almost an entire year annotating her books this way. Teaching Bucky to do the exact same thing as they'd spent lazy afternoons here, gathering the citations and references for her research.

Page and paragraph number.

Cordelia fanned through the pages, looking for 23.

It wasn't hard to spot.

The sharp line drawn beneath the old print.

'I might have saved her; now she's gone forever. Cordelia, Cordelia! Stay a little'.

And next to it, scribbled into the margin was his slanted handwriting.

The carefully balanced letters and soft stroke of an ink pen.

'Shakespeare beat me to it'.

Chapter Text

The lecture hall smelled like rain. Wet rubber boots and umbrellas. The murky overcast seemed to have dragged itself inside the room with the tired students; leaning on their elbows, hiding behind their laptops, or slumped over the tiny desks.

4 PM wasn't the optimal lecture time. But Cordelia was happy to have any attendance at all, and was pleasantly surprised at the turnout. More than half the hall was filled. Not too shabby for a first lecture with minimal sign-up. The fliers must've done their job.

She'd been skeptical at first, but the head of faculty at Boston University was very convincing. And after about two months of back and forth, and a staggering negotiation of pay, she'd folded.

A one year lectureship at this university was a stepping stone in the right direction. Wherever that direction led, she still wasn't sure. But for now, she was here.

Cordelia's "Oral History and the Collective Memory" was a hit. At least for its grand opening. And the two hour slot flew by.

At the end of it, the students filed out quietly; a few of them staying for questions. Mostly curious first years and a few seniors who wanted no sugar coating on how to pass this mandatory elective, only interested in a copy of her curriculum.

Cordelia took her first deep breath of the evening as the hall emptied out.

She ignored the last person in the room. Feelings nothing short of exhausted from the past two hours, and the nerves that had came with it. Their footsteps echoed against the stairs, coming closer. But Cordelia kept her gaze down, hoping they were just scrambling for their things. Maybe they'd fallen asleep and not noticed until now that everyone had left. Maybe–

"Dr.Dexter?"

"Did you have a question?" Cordelia managed a smile, shifting her eyes up to the person who was now without a doubt, approaching the podium. He was nothing but a silhouette at first, with the bright lights at his back.

"I did" He smiled.

Cordelia froze. Her eyes frantically trying to adjust through the haze of surprise. Her heart jolted in her chest. Her mouth suddenly dry.

"Hey" Bucky smiled.

Her ears caught the sound, but not her brain. It was like having your name called in a dream. Familiar but out of place.

Five years.

It had been five years since she'd said goodbye to him in the driveway in Millbrook.

Five years.

Her brain knew this. This was a fact. But every cell in her body twisted. Reaching for him through distance, through every moment that had passed since.

Like it had only been five minutes.

"h-hey..." Cordelia managed, letting go of the stack of papers she'd pretend to busy herself with.

He looked different. Older. His hair still had that same airy look to it. Slightly messy. Slightly too long. Like he'd put off getting a haircut.

The stubble covering his jaw was new. His shoulders a bit broader. Taller than she remembered, somehow. He was bigger. She could tell. Despite most of him hiding beneath a thick trench coat.

"I saw this—" Bucky pulled a folded flyer from his pocket. It was soft along the crease, folded and unfolded so many times it looked nearly memorized. "Had to come see for myself."

Bucky felt like he was back in Millbrook. Like that distant summer of watching her lean over a book, or rubbing her temples while she mumbled dates and place names quietly to herself, had only been yesterday. Like he hadn't lived an entire life and a half between his teary eyed self in her driveway, and now.

She was still the most beautiful person in the room. In every room. Even half a decade and a few states further east.

"Are you...here at BU, or–" Cordelia tried, her voice trembling, the words stumbling over themselves.

"No. Down the street. Harvard" He smiled.

"Of course" She huffed.

"How long have you been in Cambridge?"

"a few weeks now. My lectureship is a year...so, I'll be around. For a bit." She shrugged, tucking her hair behind her ear. Bucky recognized the nervous tick.

"I kept...meaning to reach out, it just–"

"It's okay. You don't have to–I get it. Life." Cordelia smiled, giving him a soft shrug.

"Yeah. Something like that" Bucky huffed, his eyes flickering down to the floor.

"You look..." Bucky tried.

"Different?" Cordelia teased.

"...exactly the same" He corrected, a smile tugging at his mouth.

"You don't"

"I know. I've been trying hard not to" He huffed.

"Suits you. The beard"

"Thanks. It's been...like 26 years in the making" He laughed. "I don't...wanna keep you, or anything. I just—wanted to say hi" His voice was soft, hands tucked into his pockets. Something he did when he was nervous.

"No, it's okay. I don't have anything exciting planned besides walking home in the rain" She huffed.

"Someone expecting you?"

Cordelia sat back against the desk, crossing her arms as she pondered.

"Hmm...let's see. My slippers. My TV–definitely the couch...and my cat" She smiled.

"Your cat?" Bucky laughed.

"Yeah"

"You got a cat" Bucky mumbled, nodding approvingly.

"I did" She smiled.

"What did you name your cat?"

"Alpine"

Bucky smiled, his eyes shifting away from Cordelia before he found her gaze again.
"Do you think Alpine would be upset if I...stole you away for dinner?" Bucky shrugged playfully.

"Well...depends on where we go."

"I know a place with decent margaritas" He suggested.

Cordelia didn't speak, and Bucky could feel the nerves grabbing hold of him. Like he was suspended mid air.

Until she smiled.

It was a dark booth somewhere in the corner. The air smelled like szechuan spice and the plastic covering the table was sticky. The margarita was strong, and Bucky had insisted on the mongolian beef; promising he'd taste tested her favorite dish in all the nearby locations.

"This is the best one by far" He'd reassured.

And she was pleasantly surprised to find that he wasn't wrong.

"Can't believe you remembered that" She giggled.

"I remember everything. Bad habit." He chuckled, biting down on an eggroll.

"Lit major" Cordelia narrowed her eyes, teasingly.

"Lit major" Bucky nodded along painfully.

She chewed quietly, feeling his gaze on her. She was scared to meet his eyes. Scared she'd find the past staring back at her. Unblurred and unfinished.

"So...Harvard. I remember you saying something about Boston having too many umbrellas and people with superiority complexes?" She giggled.

"I still think that. I'm just one of them now. I even own two umbrellas" He grinned.

"And the superiority?"

"That came free with the grad student badge" He shrugged.

"Do you share the umbrella, or is it a strictly one-person operation?" She teased. She shouldn't have asked. She really shouldn't have. It didn't matter. Shouldn't matter. But it did. For some reason, as she braced herself for the answer, it really did.

"Uh...I tried sharing."

Cordelia tilted her head, urging him to continue without speaking.

"I think I preferred the rain. And she preferred someone else's umbrella" He chuckled, slightly embarrassed at the confession. "What about you?"

"No–I uh–" Cordelia laughed. "Just...easier not to make plans. Makes it harder for them to fall apart" She shrugged.

"Strange. I remember you scheduling your days down to the half hour" Bucky teased.

"For a while life made the schedule. I just followed."

"Followed it right here" Bucky smiled, his knuckles brushing against the edge of the table. His eyes found hers. The silence was deafening. And heavy.

"So, what do you do when you're not dancing in the rain?" She bit down on her lip. Bucky could feel the heat filling his chest. The memory of her soft mouth suddenly more vivid than it had been in years.

"I read too much. Make bad coffee, and pretend it's artisanal. And...sometimes I show up to lectures I'm not invited to" He chuckled.

"Sounds reckless"

"I've always been a little reckless. Especially when it comes to you." He shrugged.

Cordelia swallowed, her hand reaching for the margarita. The condensation from the glass felt cooling against her palm.

"How's your sister?" She managed, taking a long sip from her drink, hoping the alcohol would numb the stirring inside of her.

"Good. Yeah, she's good. Just finished school. Got engaged a few months ago"

"What?!" Cordelia almost gasped.

Bucky smiled, nodding along quietly as he sipped his own drink.

"I'm surprised I missed that. Your mother is very thorough with the facebook updates" She giggled.

"Oh god" Bucky groaned, his cheeks growing warm.

"Who is he?"

Bucky bit back a smile, running his hand through his hair.

"What?" Cordelia pushed, slightly alerted at his hesitant grin.

"I'm gonna tell you, but you're gonna freak out" He chuckled.

Cordelia's eyes widened, leaning forward slowly. Like a secret was about to be uttered.

"Steve" Bucky whispered.

Cordelia's mouth fell open, leaving her speechless.

"Steve...like, your friend Steve?"

Bucky nodded, biting down on his straw.

"You're fucking with me" Cordelia sat back, arms crossed over her chest.

"I wish. I'm not" He laughed.

"Oh my god...oh my god"

"I know. That's what I said" He huffed.

"Were you upset?"

"A little, at first. But honestly, they make sense" He smiled. "Steve's always been like family. And now he actually is. Which is...kinda weird, but I don't mind."

Cordelia smiled, watching his eyes soften, his hands tangled together on top of the table. She could still remember what it felt like, when he'd find his way into her hair. Brushing his fingertips along her scalp and the side of her throat.

"Very mature of you" She whispered.

"Yeah...I aged a few years and a couple heartbreaks since we last talked"

"A couple?" Cordelia raised a curious eyebrow.

Bucky smiled, teasingly. Like he was holding something back.

"She was great. Patient. Stayed through a lot. But she had this...really annoying habit of reorganizing my books by theme instead of author?" Bucky winced at the memory as he shared it with Cordelia.

It made her laugh. Her shoulders rounding forward as she hid her face in her hands.

He could feel adrenaline rush through his body at just the sound of it.

Her laughter.

It was like hearing a song you hadn't listened to in 5 years, and realizing you still remember it word for word.

"That was your final straw?" Cordelia giggled.

"No. No, I think she always knew there was a part of me that was still somewhere else" He shrugged.

"And where is that?"

Bucky let out a deep exhale, running a hand over his jaw.

"Standing in a small town kitchen watching someone label file folders...and pretend it wasn't personal" He confessed.

Cordelia gave him a soft nod, fidgeting with her napkin.

"wow" She huffed.

"I'm sorry. Too much?"

"No, just–I forgot how easy this was with you" She mumbled, still ripping at the napkin.

The silence whirled between them again, the air slightly thicker this time. Like something might tip.

But the clatter of dishes and distant laughter filled it for them. The sound of something hitting the floor made them both turn. Glass shattering loudly as someone followed it with a half-hearted clap.

"Think that's our que?" Bucky laughed, glancing out of the window. The streetlights had brightened. The rain had stopped.

"Quick. Before something else breaks" Cordelia urged in agreement, reaching for her bag.

They slid out of the booth, and Bucky's eyes fastened on her neatly tamed hair, tucked messily into the collar of her coat, as he followed her out of the restaurant.

───────── ౨ৎ ─────────

The night had turned unexpectedly cool. The street lights flickered softly, bathing Cordelia's face in a golden yellow hue that looked so familiar. Painting the puddles with an oddly dreamlike glow. The sound of her boots against the concrete was almost soothing. Rhythm-like, as they fell in with his own footsteps. Bucky resisted the urge to brush his arm against her shoulder. To come closer.

Instead he walked in silence, his hands tucked into his coat pockets. He allowed himself the occasional glance as they strode in silence. He wasn't sure why he was trying so hard to convince himself that she was real.

Cordelia's arms were crossed, more from habit than the cold. The humidity in the air was already undoing the meticulous and precise maneuvering she'd done with her straightener only a few hours before.

Her breath fogged in the cold, and she could feel the tip of her nose starting to feel numb.

She wasn't sure where they were walking. But she didn't want to stop. She wanted to keep walking until he said something. Anything.

Bucky stopped. The abrupt gesture almost made her stumble as she followed his lead.

"Okay. Hear me out." He managed a smile, despite his eyes growing a bit wider. Blue. So blue. Even more blue than she remembered.

Cordelia looked up at him, slightly nervous at what could possibly come next.

"I have over-caffeinated beans, a questionable french press...and exactly one clean mug" He chuckled nervously, making her smile. "And I live ten minutes that way" Bucky nodded toward the opposite direction they'd been walking.

"Are you offering me a subpar coffee?" Cordelia chuckled, tucking her hands beneath her arms, her skin uncomfortably cold.

"Nostalgia. Poorly brewed" He shrugged.

"Tempting. What'll you drink out of?" She teased.

"We can share. If you don't mind" Bucky smiled, his gaze softening.

Cordelia shook her head, biting the corner of her lip as she looked down the busy street.

"You know what you're doing, right?" She sighed.

"Honestly? Not really. But I feel like it would be stupid to end the night here" Bucky huffed, his shoulders tightening in the freezing breeze.

"Fine. But if I walk in and your mattress is on the floor, I'm walking right back out"

"Hah! Jokes on you. I have a futon" Bucky teased through the scrunch in his nose, turning them around and starting their walk the other way.

It was small. But warm. A second floor walk-up in a quiet neighborhood.

Cordelia looked around in awe. The light was soft. The place looked lived-in. It smelled like ink and pine. Books stacked on the windowsill.

"I'll take that" Bucky offered, his voice soft as he reached for her coat. The brush of his hands against her shoulders made something inside of her stir. Her cheeks growing warm.

"Thanks" She mumbled softly, tugging at her shirt sleeves and stepping out of her boots.

Bucky watched her discreetly. The humidity in the Boston air had gotten hold of her hair. The ends waving despite her attempt at tucking everything beneath her coat. He smiled to himself.

He'd never seen her in this many layers. Wrapped in a sweater and jeans and socks and—

He cleared his throat, hanging her coat in the closet before he hung his own. Taking note of her clothes for too long meant imagining, remembering, what lay beneath. 

And he wasn't sure what that meant.

"Not bad" Cordelia shrugged, flashing him a teasing smile.

"I recently upgraded to mostly furnished. I even own coasters now" Bucky huffed, a hint of pride lingered in his voice.

"Impressive. For some reason I remember grad school being nothing but existential despair and empty ramen packets" She mumbled, walking along the edge of his living room, which was also his bedroom, which was also his kitchen.

"Oh, it is. I just hide them all the way in the back of the cupboard" He chuckled. The smell of coffee filled the small space, strong and robust. Dark and moody, like the weather outside. There was a soft breeze of frozen air making its way into the room, the sound of the cars were a distant hum. Cordelia stood still, her arms crossed as she took it all in.

It felt like him.

Like he lived here.

"Go ahead. Snoop. I know you want to"

Cordelia shot him a look over her shoulder, catching his forgiving smile and the softness in his gaze.

She started with the books balancing on his windowsill.

"You've read Feminine Mystique?" She scoffed, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Back in her day, Feminine Mystique had been a first step in the get-laid-gate-way. It was almost a guarantee. College guys never changed.

"Twice. I annotated it the second time" He grinned.

"Show-off" Cordelia mumbled, reaching for the book.

She could feel a twinge in her chest as she opened the first page.

Her own system of annotating staring back at her.

Page and paragraph number. Just like she'd taught him.

"Yeah...I blame the woman who taught me never to show up empty handed to a conversation" Bucky teased.

Cordelia swallowed hard, closing the book and putting it back.

"God, you make it sound like I trained you" She mumbled.

"You did!" Bucky argued playfully.

Cordelia shot him an annoyed look, but all he noticed was how her eyes glimmered and the shadow cast from her heavy lashes.

"Fine. Rewired. Does that sound better?"

"No" Cordelia giggled, returning to her detective work.

"Oh! Which reminds me!" Bucky turned out of the corner in his apartment that he'd managed to pass off as a kitchen, and headed for the desk in the far corner.

Cordelia's eyes wandered, finding herself with the perfect opportunity while he wasn't watching.

The curve of his neck peeking out from beneath his shirt. His broad shoulders. The watch around his wrist. The slightly pulled back sleeves.

She could feel herself spiraling. Stepping into somewhere she hadn't been in years. A place where his touch and the brush of his lips weren't a distant memory.

"There it is" He beamed, his voice pulling her back to reality. Cordelia blinked away the dreamy haze in her mind. Watching as he pulled out a stack of something that looked half bound together and slightly frayed at the edges.

It only took a split second before she realized.

She would recognize the print of that title anywhere. She'd spent longer than she cared to admit building every word in it, getting the font right, sizing and resizing both the main and sub-title. She'd stared at it for hours. She'd know it blind. In brail. In another language.

'Remembering Otherwise:  Oral Histories and the Architecture of Collective Memory'

Her dissertation.

"You're kidding..." Cordelia whispered, her eyes finding his wide grin.

"I cited it for a paper I wrote a couple years ago" He handed it to her carefully. "And...since I have you here. Do you mind?" He held a pen out.

"You're not serious," Cordelia laughed.

"Dead serious" He grinned, a satisfied nod following.

"Fine. Give it here" She sighed.

Bucky watched on in awe, hovering over her as she swirled the tip of the pen against the slightly stained and misshapen title page.

"Love, Cordelia. That's new" Bucky whispered, looking over her shoulder.

"Alright. Throw all your jabs. I deserve it." She sighed, giving it back to him.

"Come on, that one was too good to leave hanging" He smiled, putting the binding of her research back on his desk.

"What was your paper about?" Cordelia's arms crossed softly over her body, watching him pour the coffee.

"It was about the literature of resistance. Novels and poetry by marginalized voices, mostly. I was trying to make the point that literature, like oral history, functions as an act of preservation against erasure" He spoke softly, slightly critical. Like he always was of himself.

Cordelia smiled, accepting the mug of steaming coffee. It felt warm in her palms, the heat stretching into her limbs and chest.

"You look surprised" Bucky raised a curious eyebrow.

"No. Not surprised. Just impressed. I'd like to read it sometime." she shrugged, her hands tightening around the mug.

"Yeah. Sure" He whispered. Sometime. His heart hammering at the possibility of  another moment. Another night. Another time.

Cordelia's eyes flickered away, her gaze finding the quote on the mug.

"...trust me, I'm dissertating? Wow. I feel seen" She laughed at the silly logo.

"I figured you'd appreciate that one," Bucky huffed. "You...wanna sit?" He asked shyly.

Cordelia smiled, following him to the futon. She sat on one end, and he sat on the other. The distance between them purposeful. But testing. Bucky stretched his arm along the back, hovering close to where she leaned against her elbow. She could feel the heat from his body like it was electricity buzzing in the air.

Her hand brushed against the soft throw, which looked like it had been washed beyond recognition. The pillow at her back gave in easily, like it had memorized the weight of his body.

To anyone else, it might've smelled unsuspectingly like fresh laundry, or a good room spray. But Cordelia couldn't be fooled. She could pick out the scent of his skin from anywhere. And she was swimming in it.

She took a sip of the coffee. It was warm. And bitter. And filled her chest with heat.

"This isn't half bad, actually" She shrugged, handing him the cup.

"You sound surprised" Bucky raised a curious eyebrows, pressing his lips against the warm mug.

"Well, you promised nostalgia flavored. I was bracing for something tragic" She teased.

"Hey. Easy. This is my signature roast." Bucky argued.

"Oh, is that what we're calling burnt now?" She teased.

"You wanna talk about burnt? Because we can talk about your cooking—" Bucky mumbled, trying for another sip when Cordelia shoved him.

He laughed, trying to carefully balance the hot coffee away from himself.

"Sorry. Low blow." He chuckled, watching how she tried to bite back a smile. Watching how she failed.

Her soft mouth tantalizing him. Plump and pouty.

"Wish I could say It's gotten better," She admitted, slightly embarrassed.

The soft light reflected against his face, carving out the features she had no idea she remembered so well. The sharp line of his jaw, and the dimple in his chin.

Her smile lingered. Soft.

"You used to hesitate more" She whispered.

"Ah...I still do" Bucky swallowed, his eyes still locked on her mouth.

"No, I mean...you've grown into your voice. There used to be a lot more stuttering" Cordelia giggled.

"I had more to prove back then. Especially to you"

His knees parted, taking up the space he owned. She felt like she was in his claws now. So different from when he'd been curious and trembling and practically begging for a taste, all those years ago.

She watched his body sink back against where he sat, comfort and confidence. Like he was inviting her. Tempting her.

Cordelia ran her fingers through the slightly tangled ends of her hair, trying to keep her cool. She was burning up. Feeling oddly flustered.

"I was...completely in love with you. And I had no idea what to do with it. I was like a... kicked puppy." He huffed, his tongue sliding over his bottom lip. Still watching her.

"That's not how I remember it"

"Oh, you remember it?" Bucky teased.

"Of course I do" Cordelia flashed him a stern look, her eyes drilling into his.

"Anything good?"

"A lot" She whispered.

"I just really wanted to be someone you couldn't walk away from" He sighed.

"...says the guy who's been drafting a text in his head for five years" Cordelia scoffed, watching his shoulders soften. His cool composure crumbling. It was nice knowing she could still do that to him, even if it was just a little bit.

"Okay. Alright. In my defense—"

"That's gonna be a Pulitzer winning text message once it comes through, I just know it" She pushed.

Bucky's lips parted, like he was going to say something. Like he might protest. The hint of a smile on his mouth. Cordelia could suddenly remember exactly what it had felt like against hers. His soft lips and wandering hands. Exploring. 

"...It took me..." Bucky mumbled, shifting a bit. He paused. Swallowed. Licked his lips. Ran a hand along his jaw; before he could finally manage the words.

"It took me a very long time to get over you" He sighed. "There you have it" He gave her a curt nod.

Cordelia could feel breath filling her throat, but it refused to reach her chest. Refused to let her draw any air. She just watched him. His impossibly blue eyes and the soft tug at the corner of his mouth.

"I needed to get my life in order. I needed to...function, and—I couldn't do that. And still talk to you" He sighed.

"I'm sorry–" Cordelia whispered. Choked. Restrained.

"No" Bucky shook his head. "No, it's..." He tilted his head, shrugging again. "..a lifetime ago" He smiled.

"Well. You did it. You got over it." She managed a forced smile.

"Thought I did"

His words cut at the softened heart in her chest. She could feel the blood pooling in the hole that was shaped like him. Filling it slowly. 

She felt her body grow heavier. Like she might tip over. Collapse. Fall into something tangled, and terrifying, and very complicated. 

"It's getting late. I should go." She whispered.

Bucky smiled. Almost defeated.

"Do you want to leave?" He tried, terrified to push too hard.

"Don't ask me what I want," Cordelia sighed.

"Okay. I'll order you an Uber." Bucky whispered.

"Oh, that's not necessary—" Cordelia tried, unable to shift even though she wanted to.

"No, really. It's not a discussion" Bucky huffed, reaching for his phone.

"Fine. Thank you." She smiled, a quiet acceptance filling her voice.

"Anytime" he whispered, biting back a smile. His eyes swimming with a thought that seemed mischievous at best. Wrecking at worst.

He shifted, his fingertips brushing against her elbow. Carefully wandering up her arm until his hand closed around hers.

Cordelia didn't dare move. She held her breath as his touch lingered against her skin.

It felt like warmth, and familiarity and something urgent.

He brushed his lips against her hand, holding it in place, his eyes finding hers.

Cordelia swallowed, opening her palm. Letting herself feel him, for the first time in too long.

It felt different, with the prickle of his stubble against her palm. She huffed, tracing the side of his face.

Bucky leaned into it. Like there was nowhere else to go, but closer to her.

There was no hiding now.

He was looking right at her. Like he was weighing his options, and one of them seemed to be winning.

He reached along her arm, his touch warm even through her sweater, tracing the shape of her body. The curve of her shoulder, the dip in her collarbone. He knew every part of her, even if it was hidden beneath her bulky winter clothes.

Cordelia could feel her pulse beneath her skin. Every part of her body vibrating.

The warmth of his hand pressed against her cheek. Her fingers curled against his chest.

His eyes trailed along her face. Carefully. Like he was making sure she was real. His thumb brushed gently against her bottom lip, his own breath catching at the mere touch. At the memory of what she tasted like.

And then his mouth followed.

Closing against hers. Lips brushing softly.

His tongue entering her mouth, slow and searching. Testing.

Cordelia let herself be pulled. His hands tugging her closer. Her legs straddling him. Her chest pressed to his. His hands slid along the familiar curve of her waist, drawing her in.

"Cancel the Uber" She mumbled, her breath warm against his mouth. The taste of burnt coffee lingering on her tongue. Her cheeks flushed as his hand slipped along the back of her neck, his fingers tangling into her hair.

"I didn't order it" He whispered, earning a soft chuckle from Cordelia before she kissed him again.

Bucky pressed her tightly against his body before he leaned forward, laying Cordelia down. Her back pressed to the futon, the soft throw tickling the side of her jaw. His body hovering over hers.

Her hands slipped beneath his sweater, finding the shape of him. His warm skin. The familiar trail of every dip and ripple.

Her heart was hammering in her chest. Like they were out of time before they'd even begun. A rush of urgency washing over her.

But Bucky moved with certainty, a confidence, that he hadn't possessed before. His hands found the button of her jeans without even looking. His lips still locked against hers. His mouth moved slowly. Softly. Taking his time with every inch of her. His lips brushing along the side of her jaw, moving down her throat.

"Can I?" He whispered, his fingers teasing along the hem of her pants.

Cordelia nodded, her words failing her.

Bucky could feel the pressure in his chest, just looking at her made everything spin. Her kiss stained mouth and heavy eyelids. The hum of the city mixing with her soft breaths.

He undressed her slowly. His eyes taking in each part of her body that his hands revealed. With care. With gentleness. Lacking the clumsy urgency he'd once had. The uncontrollable eagerness had been changed out for tortuous patience. And Cordelia suddenly found herself on the lacking end of it all.

His touch lingered in ways that felt practised. Attentive. Still so attentive.

His mouth trailed along her skin. Memorizing. Moving with the certainty of someone who'd been allowed her body before.

Cordelia's breaths quickened. Her fingers moving through his hair as he settled between her legs. His lips brushing against the inside of her thigh. Pressing his kisses softly.

He could feel the heat radiating from her core. His knuckles brushing carefully against the already damp fabric, spotted with her arousal.

He pressed his lips to it, tasting her through the thin layer covering her slick folds.

He carefully tugged her underwear aside, revealing the pulsing heat.

Cordelia bit down on her tongue, the soft flesh stinging between her teeth as her chest rose and fell like a heartbeat.

Bucky's mouth was soft, his tongue warm and careful as it slipped over her clit. Cordelia's hips rolled, forcing herself closer.

He smiled.

"I don't remember you being the impatient one" He whispered, his eyes finding hers. A flicker of pride peeking through.

Cordelia mumbled something. She wasn't even sure what it was. A rushed curse or whimpering plea. Begging him to let his tongue brush against the very spot that craved his touch the most.

Bucky took his time. Slow. Watching how it made her gush. Everything clenching each time his breath lingered close enough to her throbbing clit.

It was clear he wasn't the same boy that she'd once unmade with ease.

And it threw her. Maybe even excited her.

He guided her hand between her own legs. It was slow. And curious. A bit shy maybe.

Cordelia could feel his hands around her hips, pulling her into his lap. He leaned back, his eyes focused on hers.

"I wanna watch you" He whispered, wrapping her leg over his shoulder. His other hand tugging at his belt.

Cordelia dipped into her panties. The coarse lace brushing against her knuckles as she found her slick center. Warm and sticky and wet.

"Do you want me to take it off?" She whispered, her eyes blinking up at him softly, watching how he undid his pants.

Bucky nodded, all too focused on her every movement.

She lifted her hips, tugging at her underwear. First one leg, pointing her toes to slip out of them easier. And then Bucky's hand, brushing carefully along the hem as he pulled it along her other leg, letting them hang around her ankle, resting on his shoulder.

The air felt cool against her slippery folds, but her skin was burning.

Bucky's hand tightened around her thigh, pressing it harder to his chest as he watched her fingers slip into the moisture.

The wool of his thick sweater tickled her skin. She could feel his chest rise and fall. Deep breaths as he watched her. Really, really watched her.

It felt good.

Felt good to feel him. To know he was looking. To know he was still so entranced. That she still tempted him. And made his heartbeat hitch. And his lips part slightly as his gaze absorbed every inch of her.

Bucky slid his hand down her leg, moving over her hips. He just wanted to feel her skin. Chase that softness. That distant memory of how she felt against his palm.

His other fist closed around his cock. Hard and pulsing in his hand. Warm and begging to be inside of her.

His thumb brushed along her entrance. Gathering her arousal. Circling carefully. So wet. So fucking wet. So soft.

He teased his way inside slowly. First a little bit, watching her eyelashes flutter. Then more. And more. And more.

Cordelia's gasp trembled out of her. Her chest hot and her lips quivering as he curled his finger against the spot that made her gush.

"That's it, right?" He whispered, his voice calm despite the speed of his heart. His lips brushing against her thigh, draped along his chest.

She managed nothing but a broken whimper. A slight nod of her head as she rolled her hips. Squirming in his lap.

Her own fingers slowed, her previously consistent circling, the slippery brush of her own hand became impossible to keep up as he pushed harder.

"Don't stop" He breathed, his eyes locked on the mess she was making. His other hand closing over the leaking tip of his cock. The muscles in his thighs clenching as he watched her.

Bucky tilted himself forward, letting the wetness in his mouth pour from his kiss stained lips. Just the slightest hint of her taste lingering on his tongue.

Cordelia could feel the warm dribble from his mouth. Dripping over her folds, mixing with her sticky arousal. Making everything more slippery.

He was precise. Angling the stroke of his finger. Making her legs were shake. Making the pressure build in her core.

Cordelia's skin began to prickle. Her cheeks felt almost too flushed. Her toes curling.

"Think I'd forget how to touch you?"  He whispered. His voice deep from somewhere in his chest, leaning over her.

Cordelia's gaze looked broken. She pressed her hand against his chest, letting it trail over his shoulder. Her grip settled behind his neck, her fingers brushing at the ends of his hair. She pulled his mouth to hers in a rushed tug. Closing the space between them. Swallowing the words that lingered on her tongue. Instead she used it to find his. To trail it gently. To taste him.

"Tell me what you want" His lips brushed against hers as he whispered, his breath warm on her mouth. His chest resting against hers. The wool felt scratchy and rough against her skin. She reached beneath it. Wanting to feel him. Just him.

"You. I want you." She mumbled, blinking at him slowly, her arm thrown over his shoulder, her fingertips brushing against the side of his face. Urging him closer.

Bucky sat back slowly, pulling off the heavy sweater.

Cordelia tugged at everything else. Anything that would stop his skin from being pressed against hers.

He trailed the tip of his cock along her slick folds. Listening to her strained whimper. Feeling her lips quiver against his own.

That sound. He'd do anything to hear that sound. Over and over and over. It rang in his ears. Made his skin feel hot. Made him pulse even harder.

He pulled her into his lap, and Cordelia pressed the heat between her legs against his throbbing length. She slid slowly, coating him with every drop of her arousal. Teasing.

He pressed her mouth to his, kissing her as she found her seat. Every part of his body felt sensitive, his legs spreading to make room for her. She reached down between them, her soft hand stroking him slowly, holding him up for her.

"Do you want me to go slow?" She whispered, a soft chuckle on her breath. Her brown eyes narrowed in slight jest. Her teeth scraping against her bottom lip.

Bucky grinned, his hands finding her hips, stroking along the curve of her ass, guiding her down on his cock.

"No" He growled.

His chest tightened as she sank down, slippery and warm and engulfing.

Cordelia's eyebrows knitted together, her lips parted in a silent breath that felt warm against his mouth.

He could feel her stretching around him. Everything pulsed. She was dripping, her limbs shaking as she gently rolled her hips. She knew she was lost.

Her chest pressed against his, their mouths tangled.

There was no need to speak.

Just the sound from where they were connected, his soft groans as she moved against him. His hands moving over her body. Over every inch. His mouth following. Like he remembered every single part of her. Like he remembered everything. 

Chapter Text

"You always keep your windows open like this?" Cordelia whispered, her eyes still searching around the apartment. Sleep lingered in the air. Bucky's arms felt heavy wrapped around her body.

There was a blue hue stretching across the walls, the soft hums from the city buzzed in her ears.

She could feel his lips brushing along her shoulder, his warm breaths against her skin.

"Yeah. I like the noise" He mumbled, eyes closed. Bucky pressed his face closer, resting it against the crook of her neck. The flowery scent of her hair tugged at a distant memory.

A reminder of his once shy, awkward and nervously trembling hands as he'd breathed in every note.

He hadn't known then what he knew now. That he'd never again smell something sweet without thinking of Cordelia.

"The cold doesn't bother you?" She giggled, feeling her skin prickle as he kissed his way along the curve of her neck. He pulled her tighter against his chest. His skin was warm.

There was comfort in this. In laying pressed against him. In feeling his mouth. His hands. The vibration of his voice as he whispered close to her ear.

"No. It's a tactic to make you stay in the bed" He grinned, his eyes holding all that mischief she recognized so well.

Cordelia turned in his arms, her hands pressed against his chest, sliding slowly over his shoulders as she melted into him.

"It's working" She whispered.

"Good. I can't have you disappear on me again."

"I didn't disappear," Cordelia argued. "I was just...waiting"

"For what?" Bucky smiled. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Her tousled hair, and fluttering eyelashes. And the soft tug at the corners of her mouth as her eyes wandered along his face.

"For time. To do it's thing"

"Did it?" He whispered.

"Think so" Her fingers brushed along the curve of his jaw. His beard scratching against her skin.

Bucky pressed her closer, his hand moving down, resting at the small of her back. Their legs were tangled beneath the covers. Everything smelled like him. It hadn't changed. The way his skin smelled. And how it tasted against her tongue as she kissed along his chest.

"Is Alpine gonna be upset if you don't come home tonight?"

"Maybe" Cordelia sighed. "But she's easy to win over. A bag of her favorite treats is usually enough. And maybe a piece of forbidden human food from my plate" She giggled.

"I'd like to meet her sometime" He whispered.

"I think she'd like you" Cordelia smiled.

"I'm very likable" Bucky agreed, earning a light tap from her.

Cordelia's fingers trailed across his collarbone. His chest. She didn't even realize she was doing it. Didn't even realize how tangled they'd become in the uncertainty of her staying the night. It was a yes, without a yes.

Bucky's breath shifted. His skin sensitive. Yearning, in a way. Elated at her touch. Starved after years without it. He would take anything he could get. Even if it was just scraps. Even if it was just this moment, and nothing else.

"Yes. So likable, I'm kinda worried about being chased down by an angry ex-girlfriend if I'm caught leaving your apartment tomorrow morning" Cordelia teased.

"Trust me, no one's ever been that concerned with what I do" he huffed.

"Really?" Cordelia argued, her eyebrows raised in surprise. Bucky looked confused, and slightly scared.

"oh...no way...Lisa Potts?"

Cordelia nodded, her nose scrunched slightly as she bit back a smile.

Bucky buried his face in embarrassment, pressing it into the crook of her neck. Cordelia giggled, letting him linger. The warmth from his breathing and the brush of his lips felt like enough of an apology. Not that he really owed her one anyway.

"Oh god" He mumbled.

"She was nice about it. Said that she hoped I knew what I was doing. That you were...drifty. Kinda like a tide...or something poetic like that" She shrugged.

Bucky took a deep breath, pulling his face out of hiding.

His eyes stayed calm. Like she hadn't said anything he didn't already know.

"She wasn't wrong. Not then. I was a mess. I was 21" He huffed.

"And now?" Cordelia giggled, raising a teasing eyebrow.

"Now...I'm not 21" he smiled.

"No. You're not" She whispered, her cheek resting against his chest. His heart was beating slowly. There was an air of comfort. Like no time had passed. Like they'd already seen everything that needed to be seen about each other.

"Did you ever think about Millbrook?" he asked. His voice softer. A bit more shy.

"Sometimes. Usually when I was trying not to"

Bucky huffed, his arms tightening around her, holding her against his body.

"Did you ever find out?"

"Find out what?" Cordelia mumbled, her voice trailing off. Bucky could tell she was drifting away. Letting sleep take her. Letting herself stay here. With him.

"If it stops making you sick? The nostalgia?" He swallowed, his fingers trailing a soft pattern along the dip in her spine.

"It doesn't" She whispered, her lips pressed against his skin.

"Shit..." Bucky mumbled, a hint of a chuckle on his breath. 

He didn't want to know how late it was. But the streets had grown eerily quiet, and the only humming sound besides Cordelia's slowing breaths was the breeze whirling in through the crack in the window.

"Cordelia..." He whispered, feeling his body growing heavy. With her weight. With time. With everything in between.

"Hmm?" She managed, her fingers curling against his chest as she shifted closer. As if she wasn't already so tangled into him that their bodies had become one.

Bucky's eyes remained fixed on the ceiling, until he felt her move again. Her head lifted off his chest, her sleepy eyes finding his in the dark.

He felt like a boy again. His lips slightly parted, unable to manage the words. His heart fluttered, palms on the verge of sweating from just being looked at by her. How could everything have changed, yet stayed exactly the same?

"What? What were you gonna say?" She urged, softly. Invitingly.

Bucky shook his head, his hand brushing against her face.

"...Something stupid" He whispered.