Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s been a while since Till was rescued.

He vividly remembers the night of Round 7. How could he forget anything really? He used to replay every second of that night on his mind for a long time.
The shot on his neck and the sharp pain that accompanied it. Mizi’s tears falling over his face while the flashing purple lights that came from the other guy’s supporters and fans mocked their suffering. The explosion caused by The Rebellion bursting on stage, more shooting sounds and the hands that were ready to get him and Mizi out of there as quick as they could.

It’s been a few years since the rescue, and since then he’s been cooperating profusely with the rebel movement as much as he could, he really didn’t want to become a burden to the people that saved his life. Besides, working full time with them helped him a lot to process and heal, keeping him distracted most of the time. There was always something to do. Damn, he even learned how to ride a motorcycle, to shoot, to fight. Who could have ever pictured that the scrawny and malnourished kid from Anakt garden would’ve turned into someone who could now fight for such an important cause with his own hands.
His first months were surely eventful ones, as he started to finally accept that everything that happened in Round 6 had really happened. Like, really happened.
Ivan was dead.

He was a complete mess but refused to give his new saviors and friends more stuff to worry about, he really didn’t want to be the burden he was convinced for a good time he was.
Desperate to cope with that fact and unable to even understand his own emotions about the topic, he volunteered often on missions and started training with Dewey, Isaac or even Mizi sometimes, trying to keep his head off wondering why Ivan would sacrifice his own life for him, not finding an answer even till this day.

With the years, Till ended up founding comfort in that blissful ignorance, pretending often that what had happened was just an unfortunate event, that he didn’t want to know which were Ivan’s reasons for doing what he did.
At least he could now do justice by helping the rebellion, so those unfortunate events don’t happen ever again, so they could put a stop to the psychotic system the Segyein had.
Trying to forget Ivan was the only thing that kept him going most of the time. Every once in a while, when he was training, eating, singing, laughing… Those dark and crimson eyes would cross his mind and send him back into spiraling, back to wonder, to cry, to the horrible grief he still couldn’t understand. Back to that rainy day.
But time waits for no man and keeps its steady pace.

Being 26 years old now, he’s seen often on vitally important missions for the cause, just like the one they were right now. Isaac informed him that morning that they had located some sort of genetic med-laboratory owned by some really “big fish” important Segyeins, in which, according to the intel they had, they were cloning and experimenting to keep the Alnst project ongoing and secure for a few more years. This was a very important hit and needed to go perfectly.
They arrived at the place by midnight in a big group. Till checked previously the perimeter on his bike carefully, shooting the outside security and every possible camera he found, confirming to the guys it was safe to continue with the plan. After that, everyone got to work right away by breaking into their electronic security system, finally getting in.
He got off his bike, helmet still on, guard still up and gun still in hand, just in case there were aliens inside they weren’t previously aware of. The silence inside quickly confirmed that the break in was perfect, no Segyein in sight.
He sighed and signaled along with Isaac to the rest, so they got inside to start with the important part of the work. Dismantling the lab and looking for some important subjects. He put his gun back into his pocket and the group parted ways quickly to get the job done.

It was honestly kind of creepy, there were tons of samples, jars with human parts and even some big test tubes which he assumed were to conceive new clones or genetically modified humans. Till shook his face off in disgust and continued checking that lab area, everyone on the team looking specifically for some modified human kids and important documents they got intel on, before they would blow every bit of that disgusting lab off to smithereens.
He was just about to clear his last zone when he saw some sort of…pod? He frowned his brows and made his way into the room. It was like an incubator kind of thing, but bigger, just sitting at the center of the place. It was the only thing in that room, a very dim light emanating from it and what he assumed was a faint “ventilator” sound, waking up his curiosity.

He took his motorcycle helmet off and approached directly to the pod. It was a little bit dusty and had a golden plaque by his side with some words carved on it, which he wiped off so he could properly read it.

“To my dearest friend, a memento of the human spirit you so much love.

                                                                                       —Unsha.”

At the recognition of the name of the Segyein that signed the plaque, he paused for a second, slowly tilting his neck so he could look at the dimly lit pod by its side. His heart was beating a thousand times per minute; it really couldn’t be.
A horrible thought flashed his mind, which he quickly dismissed by shaking his head. He walked two steps by it and with a shaky hand wiped the dust off the glass surface, revealing the thing that feared the most.
His eyes flew open, helmet fell off shaky hands as his eyes examined crystal snow skin, silky and long dark strands of hair falling over peacefully closed eyes.
Inside the pod was Ivan’s body, pristine, intact.

It was dressed in the exact same clothes as when he last saw him, with the exception it had no bullet holes, no blood, like nothing had happened.
The screen of the pod lighted up, apparently at his touch, and some information he couldn’t seem to even register popped out. He was not even looking at it already, getting away from it as fast as he could in complete disbelief with unsteady feet. He felt his throat close and the air refusing to go into his lungs anymore, his stomach churn and his chest so painfully tight he had to bring his hands to it, squeezing the fabric of his shirt, at this point not being able to listen to anything but the strong ringing sound on his ears.

His knees threatened to surrender under him as his vision began to get dark.

“…TILL!” Dewey screamed. Being the last thing he faintly heard before he passed out.

…

The rain was still hitting heavily, but he couldn’t have cared less. He was completely soaked, his eyes fixated on the crimson dyed limp figure at his feet, his mouth slightly parted as he registered the faint feeling that lingered on his lips and neck. He lifted his hand and intended to get closer to the body of the person who’s been his childhood friend for years, who’s such intense and persistent way of showing love resulted in his body lying in a pool of his own blood. But before Till could even do anything, he was being stripped out of him and dragged off the stage, doing nothing but screaming his name as Ivan’s figure disappeared from his sight.

…

He woke up in a gasp, bringing his right hand to the front of his neck, touching his skin for a second while he recovered his breath, his fingertips looking for some kind of touch that long ago had vanished.
“What a horrible fucking nightmare” Till thought.
Whatever God or entity that was up there could be really cruel sometimes, the constant torment his mind still didn’t managed to get used to appearing every time he felt like he was making any kind progress, reminding him that he would never be free from that horrible past, that he didn’t deserve moving on. He’s been having this kind of nightmares for ages now.
This though, this time it went too far.

Is one thing that every once and then he gets this repeating nightmare of the events of Round 6 or his childhood memories with him, but, making him believe he was alive only to reproduce once again the events that were engraved in fire in his mind once again? His own head was turning against him in such a cruel way.

“Till…” He got out of his dazed state when he heard a feminine voice by his side, only then realizing she had been sitting by his side the whole time. He blinked a few times and wiped off the tears he didn’t even realize were rolling off his cheeks to then look at her.

“Mizi, hey.”

His voice sounded more strained and painful than he had planned to, clearing his throat a bit before speaking again.

“What happened? Did I oversleep again? Sorry.”

“No, it’s…” She looked confused at his answer for a second, reaching her arm to the small clock that was beside his bed and handing it to him to look at.
“It’s 2:30 am. Dewey told me you passed out at today’s mission and I was worried, you’ve been out for a while now. Are you…” She paused. “Are you feeling alright?” In her eyes he catches some kind of indecision, like there was something she was afraid of saying in front of him.

“Wait, the mission?” Till blinked a few times and quickly recalled everything he just saw.

The plaque, the pod, the “memento.”

He stopped talking for a hot second as he looked at his own hands in complete disbelief. There was no way in hell whatever the fuck he saw was real and not a sick joke his mind was playing him.

He turned his gaze at his friend once again, but she was looking at her own fidgeting hands too.

“Mizi. What happened with the mission.” Till sounded and looked way more desperate than he intended originally, but needed to know that what he saw was his own mind twisted way of torturing him by giving him a hope he long lost for.

“Everything went smoothly, no one was injured.” Mizi told him, smiling a bit before pausing, her eyes clouding slowly with tears, but without erasing that faint smile.

“They managed to bring him here; the guys are really really happy. This is such a great victory, you are truly amazing Till.” She cried, happily.
Mizi reached out to grab his hand and looked him into his eyes.

“He’s alive. They took him to the medical ally and say he’s looking very well, that he should recover in some short time.” She chuckled while she wiped her own tears away.

Till could not even begin to register what the actual fuck was she saying. There was absolutely no way this was not a dream. That everything he saw in that laboratory was real.

Then a horrible realization and the kind of rage he didn’t manifested since he was in that Stage sunk in.

He got out of bed and stood up, to then start walking desperately towards the door, even when his head pounded horribly and his body swayed not even two steps in. He needed to see him now.

His plans were quickly ruined when Mizi propped her arm to stop him, catching him by his shoulders when he seemed to slightly sway.

“Hey hey, take it easy. It’ll be better if you rest for the rest of the night, you can visit in the morning, let the medic team do their thing for now, I’m sure by tomorrow you’ll be able to see him.”

“A memento.”

“What?” Mizi looked at him intrigued.

“They gave Ivan to some random Segyein fucker as a memento.” He let his head fall and rest on his friend’s shoulder, biting his own lips to not start crying in front of her. He was so mad at everyone, at Ivan for doing what he did, at the segyeins and at himself for forcing himself to give up on his memory as a defense mechanism.

So apparently, Ivan was popular and important enough to be saved and stored away as some kind of trophy for his owner, who then gifted him away like it was absolutely nothing. What were they even planning to do with him in there? Were they taking samples or cloning him?

Those racing thoughts and possibilities made his head spin, frowning his brows and squeezing his hands into fists.
Mizi seemed to notice how he was feeling instantly, so he guided him back to bed gently and covered him with the sheets in silence.
She looked consternated with that information as well, but did her best not to let her emotions control her. He sometimes forgets how close Ivan and Mizi used to be, it was probably hard to hear that her best friend was being used as a paperweight as well.

“Alright. The important part for now is that he is alive and doing well, okay? I need you to get some sleep. Your eyebags are HUGE.” She joked with a little smile.

But he was so afraid. He was so afraid everything was a sick joke and by the morning he would be struck with the realization that never actually happened and that Ivan was as dead as 5 years ago.

“Thanks Mizi.” He muttered quietly.

He was left alone with his thoughts as his pink-haired friend took her leave to go to her own room next to his. He was so filled with blind anger and determination only seconds before that, but suddenly everything disappeared as soon as he realized he was now face to face with the past he’s been so eagerly avoiding, all so he didn’t have to think about what does he feel towards Ivan or everything that happened in stage, having now a horribly short deadline to get his shit together.
Was he happy he found him? Is Ivan going to be happy to see him even? Mad? Will he blame him? Maybe will regret even saving him in the first place.

He ran his hands over his face and sighed.

His feelings and thoughts were all over the place and was not able to sleep the entire night, even if he felt his body as heavy and exhausted as it could, tossing and turning under the blankets over and over again until he saw the sun come out and peak through his curtains.

Only hours ago, everything was working out for him so well, and now he feels dragged back to step one of a useless grief process. Grief for a person who was not even dead to begin with.

A person that has been alive the 5 years he’s been secretly crying his loss at nights. It was incredibly frustrating and cruel.

When Till decided to get up and just start his day the clock was marking 7 am, so he took a long shower and tried to brush off whatever he didn’t resolve during the long hours he spent in bed by getting under the warm water.

Decided that he would pay Ivan a visit after breakfast, so he got dressed after his shower with something simple and headed over the cafeteria, stretching his limbs while he got in line for the coffee and tea machine. His body ached.

The cafeteria had barely any people at that time. It was so weird to him to even watch it like that, usually being woken up by his friend when he usually overslept. It was known to Mizi that nights were especially rough for him, so it wasn’t weird for Till to stay up very late distracting himself with work or by exercising. By the time he’s usually out of bed, the cafeteria looks a lot more chaotic than this.

Lost in thought, he wondered where that determination he had last night went, getting more anxious every second that passed waiting in that line. That’s when he heard two very familiar voices approaching in the distance, smiling to himself as he watched Hyuna and Mizi approach to the coffee line, both seemingly happy this morning, that’s good.

“Hey Till! You feeling better?” Hyuna lifted her hand to wave him, she looked in very high spirits and rightfully so. The mission that took them weeks of careful planning was an undeniable success, rescuing not only the humans they were looking for, but also bringing back an old participant of the ALNST Program ALIVE and with not even one casualty. There were several reasons to be that happy.

He lifted his hand to say hi to both, but at the second he was about to speak, Hyuna hugged him by his neck jokingly like she always tended to do with everyone, except this time, the touch on his neck burned like boiling water.

He gasped like someone had just punched him in the stomach.

Till backed off immediately, taking a few steps back and out of the line he was doing, his hand automatically going to touch his own neck.

What the fuck was wrong with him? It was not the first time Hyuna, Dewey or Isaac hugged him by his neck like that, but this time the simple touch to the area flashed him such pain that he had to physically step back from them.

He tried to apologize quickly, but his voice got stuck on his neck and no sound was coming out, only managing to keep his hand on his own neck while he felt his heartbeat quickly accelerating under his chest.

“Till?” Mizi asked him while Hyuna looked at him attentively, but he didn’t even got to hear it.

There it was again, he was in front of Ivan dressed in full white, both of his hands cradling his neck and squeezing it hard, getting impossible to breathe. Till gasped for air as he brought his other hand to his neck, squeezing his eyes shut and then falling to his knees.

As soon Mizi quickly approached Till, Hyuna stopped her with one arm, sighing and kneeling beside him.

“Till. Hey kid, can you hear me?” The older one asked softly without touching him, but he was completely unresponsive. She recognized those type of fits, a few years ago she used to had them too, so she briefly explained to Mizi how to proceed. At that moment she really was grateful the cafeteria had only a few people yet.

“If he’s not even responding, it’s better not to touch, could make it worse.” Hyuna explained calmly to Mizi, who was worriedly looking at her friend.

A few minutes later, Till seemed to came back to his senses a little bit, at least enough to get him to walk assisted.

“Till, I’m going to take you to your room, okay?” Mizi propped Till’s arm around her shoulders and with a little bit of strength, got him to slowly walk to his room in silence.

He was unresponsive until they reached his door, breaking the silence with a raspy voice.

“I’m fine Mizi. Don’t worry about it really.” He managed to say between gasps as his pink haired friend unlocked his own room with his key and let themselves inside.

She walked him to his bed and helped him to get on it.

As she watched his tired friend squirm a little bit under the blankets, she sat on the bed and brought her hand to softly stroke his hair. She could still see his chest go up and down quickly and little sweat drops form on his forehead, so she stays by his side just talking to him whatever topic she got into mind to distract him from that state.

She talked to him until he finally fell asleep.

Mizi sighed when Till’s breathing finally relaxed a bit. She remembered watching his and Ivan’s round several years ago and it was not hard to connect the dots from there, he was clearly distraught and tormented by old memories, Ivan’s miraculous reappearance taking a toll on his mental wellbeing.

“Ivan…” She managed to hear faintly by her side, so she turned back to Till.

He was softly crying in his sleep.

She was not going to push him. Maybe he needed a bit more time after seeing him.

Chapter Text

Till opened the sliding door with an audible sigh, letting him finally see Ivan’s figure laying in a simple bed, machines and cables all over him. His skin  paler than he remembered. Then, in a simple blink, there were five or six people surrounding his bed, the machines he just saw beeping uncontrollably and making everyone’s desperate voices a symphony made in hell. His eyes fixated on Ivan, whose earlier calm expression changed into grimace, adding to labored breaths.

“Wait, Ivan…”

He tried to approach him, but two people on the medical staff looked at him and started to push him gently outside, repeating something about how he couldn’t be there, but his eyes were fixed on his friend’s unconscious figure, desperation creeping in rapidly.

“Please, I need to see him, please.”

In between everyone’s chatter, that god awful beeping noise changed into a long one, the staff still pushing him outside of the room. He felt his palms sweaty and was already bawling his eyes out, he then extended his arm to Ivan’s direction.

He blinked again and suddenly he was not even in the same building anymore, the cold rain soaking him completely as he was fighting guards with tooth and claws as they ripped him apart from Ivan’s dead cold body, only being able to watch his figure laying there in the middle of the stage.

….

Till woke up in cold sweat, sitting down on his bed as he instinctively reached his neck with his right hand, like he could still feel how Ivan’s hand felt against his skin. His heart was racing and his cheeks were damp with tears, moving the hand that was softly touching his neck to his face, wiping his eyes.

“He’s dead and you didn’t even bother to see him.”

A voice echoed, making him look up and around to find the author of the voice, not finding him.

“Poor Ivan, he gave his own life to save your pathetic ass and you couldn’t even manage to see him once.”

Ignoring how pestering the voice was getting, he jumped out of bed and not even bothering to put on shoes, bolted out of his room to the medical ally. By the faint lights in the corridor, he was guessing it was around 9 pm, already dark but still with some people walking here and there, but he didn’t mind, he was not going to calm down until he was absolutely sure that he was okay.

“Why are you acting like a victim, I thought you were over his death. You did what you had to do at the end. You know, killing him and all.”

“I didn’t kill him.” He finally replied.

“Oh, but you knew he would sacrifice for you and you did nothing. You let him do it.”

He stopped running as soon as he reached the rooms they were using as a medical ally, his hasty steps not stopping as he checked which one of those was the correct door.

“No…I didn’t knew he-“ He replied again to the voice, interrupting himself as he saw Mizi getting out of one of the rooms  with a gloomy expression, quickly changing into a surprised one as he saw him.

“Oh! Hey Till, are you feeling better?” Her eyes scanned him up and down, seeming slightly concerned to see him barefoot, panting and sweating, his eyes lost somewhere.

“I…I need to.” Till pleaded, tears threatening to get out any second now.

Hearing the desperate plead on his voice, Mizi’s hand traveled to Till’s shoulders and tried to look for his gaze, giving him a warm smile to calm him down.

“Go, I’ll be in my room if you need me for anything.”

Mizi’s words seemed to work and brought him back to earth, taking a shuddery deep breath before sliding the door open and letting himself into the room. His eyes were glued to the floor, like he was scared of what he was going to see the moment he looked up to the bed of his nightmares. But then he heard it, the slow and steady beep coming from the machines hooked up to him.

His eyes went to the figure on the bed, taking a few steps to were he was laying. His skin was not as pale as he saw on his dream, his long lashes adorning his cheeks and long strands of dark hair falling over his forehead.

He went to sit down in the bed and looked at him sleep for a while, his calm and steady breathing doing wonders to ease the anxiety that was creeping up his chest only minutes ago. In doing so, he found himself reminiscing of old days in the garden, when Ivan used to fall asleep under a tree by his side and he sketched him in secret. It was a real pity he never got to show him those drawings.

“Why do you always have to look so dreamy? Even in a moment like this…It pisses me off.” He joked under his breath as he chuckled softly to himself.

His hand traveled to brush the dark strands of hair off his forehead softly, then taking advantage of the fact he was completely asleep, let himself lower his hand slowly, cupping his cheek and caressing the area with his thumb for a few seconds.

He sighed and stood up, finally feeling himself again. The voice that was bothering him fell quiet.

He went to take a step, but the weak feeling of a hand over his wrist made him stop, eyes flying open and heart rate rapidly increasing. His gaze fell to his arm, confirming what he was convinced at this point was a hallucination.

His eyes were dazed, and he was blinking very slowly, really looking like he was not on his senses, but even so, his hand remained weakly on his wrist for a few seconds more.

“…Till." He heard like a whisper, Ivan’s hand letting go of his touch.

“Ivan. You idiot, you-“ Till felt the tears slowly roll on his cheeks.

“Why…are you here?”

His eyes went back to Ivan, finding on his face only a disgusted grimace.

Eh?

Ah. Of course. There he was again, without ever considering anyone’s feelings but his own. What part of him thought Ivan would’ve been happy to see him? After everything, he was the sole reason he was shot…

“Oh, I’m…getting the doctors.” Till said, voice breaking from underneath as he backed off and turned on his feet to get out of his room in a dash. He was lucky enough he found one barely steps away from there, giving the news as quickly as possible to dart to his room with restless steps.

“Really, what part of you thought that was a good idea? That he would be happy to see you? I tried to warn you.” The voice from before mocked him as he eagerly walked back to his dorm, eyes fixated in the floor to try to hide that he was crying. He brought his hands to his arms and without even noticing he started repeatedly scratching the area, wholeheartedly trying to ignore the nonstop bickering of the voice that seemed to have returned more violent than ever.

Trembling hands opened his door, the voice tormenting him louder and louder with each step he took, so when the door closed behind him he immediately fell to his knees, covering his ears and squeezing his eyes shut with as much force as he could.

“Shut up, please shut up.” He whispered, but his pleads were completely useless.

Mizi’s Pov

Next morning, you could see young talented Mizi approach a table in the cafeteria, a hot herbal tea in hand and a calm expression on her face. That’s when she saw Hyuna, who was in even higher spirits than the day before, laughing and celebrating with familiar faces. Dewey and Isac had a big smile and were chuckling in between half hugs with each other.

“Is there a reason why everyone is so…euphoric today?” She asked with a soft laugh as she sat by their side, sipping her tea after.

“Oh, you are definitely gonna love this.” Hyuna said, signaling with her head to Isaac, so he could be the  one to deliver the so anticipated news to her. Isaac sighed and without erasing his faint smile, looked at her.

“Your friend Ivan is awake. Looks like its gonna take a few days for him to be in full shape, but he’s doing great for now.” He explained so calmly.

HOW WAS HE SO CALM? SHE ALMOST CHOKED ON HER TEA!

“WHA-? This are GREAT news!” Mizi exclaimed, drinking her tea in a quick sip before standing up hurriedly, scanning quickly the area for Till. When she realized her friend wasn’t there yet, she came to the conclusion that he was just oversleeping again, as it was not weird of him.

She remembered last night and smiled to herself. She had just visited Ivan and found herself being remembered of everything that happened in stage, seeing him so weak and imagining what he probably had to went through all this years saddening her. She really missed Sua; she found herself wondering what would’ve happened if Sua was the one in that pod.

She shook her head to get rid of that awful thought and sighed as she arrived at Till’s door, knocking a few times. She knew that seeing Ivan again after all this time took a toll on him, but she was certain that this would cheer him up a bit. They could talk and make amends by themselves. They were grown men for fucks sake.

She knocked the door a few times more before trying the knob, realizing there it was left unlocked.
“Till? I’m coming in…you left your door unlo-“ Mizi’s sentence got stuck in her throat as her eyes widened, the scene she was witnessing unbelievable. Till was laying in the floor curled into a ball, both hands were propped on his neck and was scratching his skin profusely. Splotches of blood were everywhere, she couldn’t even begin to describe how violent it looked, the small mirror propped on the wall was broken into a million pieces and the room looked like it was devastated from a tornado.

“Till?! Till, answer me.” She rushed to his side and kneeled before him, immediately grabbing his hands to try and stop the scratching and take a look at his face. His eyes were tightly shut, but you could still see the tears running down his face as he mumbled something unintelligible to himself. Being this close to him gave her the opportunity to see how much blood there was on his hands, which made her slightly anxious at the presence of glass shards all over the place, dried and fresh blood mixing on his skin, making it impossible to know where he was bleeding from. The only thing she could manage to do was to pull him close to her own chest and cradle him like a baby.
“It’s okay, you are safe, you are not alone.” She whispered to him, rocking him back and forward until his labored breath slowed down. It took a while, but came back into his senses after several minutes of comforting him, finally opening his eyes and breaking down again into tears, which he tried to hide by bringing one of his arms to cover his face.

“…He hates me Mizi.”

He?

“He hates me and it’s all my fault. It should’ve been me.”

“You talked to Ivan?” She asked genuinely surprised. She just learned that information, but by the state of Till and his room, looked like several hours have passed since.

“He didn’t wanted me there.”

“I’m sure that’s not true…When did you get to talk him?” She tried to comfort him with a smile as she carefully stroke his hair, noticing how he relaxed at her touch, he looked completely beat and his eyes were fluttering a bit. How long has he been in this floor?

“…Last night. You didn’t saw the way he looked at me.” He explained with hoarse voice. He had been the entire night spiraling into his room.

As the exhaustion in Till’s body was evident, Mizi got up slowly and helped her friend to get up and to get into his bed, which has sadly become a recurring event these days. She covered him with the blankets till his lap, she still wanted to check those injuries and make sure it was nothing too serious, so she went out to grab the med kit she knew she had in her room and came back.

As Till quickly fell asleep, she carefully cleaned his arms, hands and neck, finally seeing what was under the scabs and dried blood. Luckily he had no serious wounds, being covered in mostly scratches and maybe one or two cuts. She realized then how violent Till was capable of being with himself, his neck branding almost completely off and his knuckles obscured by bruises.

She would have to speak to Ivan herself.

Ivan’s Pov

Death was cold. He realized that when after being shot and dragged out of the stage, the first thing he remembered was that his back, legs and hands felt really cold. Moments after, he found himself fluttering his eyes open under the view of several segyeins, who looked both relieved and extremely anxious, as they ran one place to another carrying things and speaking to each other. Ands that’s when he felt a bolt of pain through his entire body, his head spinning and his stomach churn, he was laying in some sort of metallic table, which was being used as some sort improvised operating table.

He was not able to make out a single thing they were saying, but in between several unknown faces, there was Unsha, his owner, who’s pleased expression was the last thing he saw before losing consciousness again.

By the time he woke up again, it had been a week and a half since Round 6. He learned that as soon he was able to speak properly again, immediately asking what had happened with this ALNST edition.

He saw everything.

His eyes were wide open and his chest felt so tight it hurt as he watched the recording of several days before, Till’s round against Luka. He was so painfully convinced that Till would’ve been fine after his death, that he couldn’t even imagine they would weaponize his love to hurt him, his own pictures being shown in the screens to weaken Till’s spirit. In that exact moment, his mind recalled one of his old conversations with Sua when they were in the Anakt garden. He felt like a real coward and a hypocrite, his own words resonating in his head over and over again.

“…Do you really want to be the tragic heroine who sacrifices for someone? You’ll be nothing but trauma for Mizi, who you’ll leave behind.”

And as he battled with his mixed feelings, he finally saw how Till was shot straight into the neck, right before the transmission was cut and Luka was announced as the unbeaten champion. The video stopped, revealing his own face in the black screen of the device they handed him, his eyes lacking shine and life. He did all of this for nothing, only to be used against his first and only love, which probably gave him the most horrible last moments of his short life.  

His tears fell in silence over the screen, as his own face showed little to no emotion.

“Why are you even crying for? You asked for it the second you decided this fate.”

He raised his head to look at the person who spoke, finding Till’s bloodied figure right in front of him. This had to be a dream.

He rubbed his eyes to make sure he was actually seeing what he was seeing, but the second he opened his eyes again, Till’s figure was right beside him, this time clothed in R6’s outfit.

“It’s so sad that this sick world considers you important enough to save. It’s a real shame the others and I didn’t have the same luck. Must be nice.” The…thing, sat down in his bed, hold his jaw in between his fingers and looked at him directly into the eyes, Ivan being so stunned he was not able to even move a muscle.

“You should be dead like all of us.”

He really wished he could say that was the last time he saw Till. He accompanied him everywhere he went, anything he did, he was there, like a parasite. Sometimes more violent and mean, while other times he would even see him as a child. That was the form he hated the most.

As a little time has passed, his hallucinations worsened and became extremely violent, driving him several times to hurt himself, his hands and arms so full of scars and self-inflicted wounds he started wearing gloves, he realized hurting himself used to quiet down the guy at least for a little while.

Until he finally snapped.

Unsha found him at the brim of death, passed out in his bathroom after he decided he was exhausted, so he took all of the medicines he was able to found, hoping that at least one of them would free him finally of being tormented every day of his mistakes, of his own hypocrisy and selfishness, but he was saved by his guardian and his wife, who really took a liking to him and was the reason he was originally brought alive from the stage.

Just like before, he would’ve loved to say that was the only time it happened, but as time passed, the fact was that he was completely alone, his friends ending up with the same horrible fate as Till’s, becoming even more difficult to ignore his hallucinations. Hearing Till’s voice commanding him to do such harmful things towards himself and the hatred every sentence carried was something he was unable to get used to, so when he had the chance, tried it everything to end his pitiful existence again. And again. And again…

After a few unsuccessful attempts, he was able to notice how stressed his guardian was getting, and how tired he was probably of always having to have an eye guarding him. He was so confused of why he put up with so much until that day. But of course, it was only a matter of time.

The last thing he remembered from that time, is how he was told he was going to use some sort of new modern medicinal technology and that it was “for his own good.” So when he finally opened his eyes again, the last thing he would’ve expected was to be in a bed once more, but several years later.

His mind was hazy and felt like everything was spinning, a stinging headache quickly locating behind his eyes. In between those moments, he was granted with a beautiful but painful childhood memory, as he and Till ran under the night sky, illuminated by a gorgeous meteor shower. At that time, it felt like they could take over the entire world if they were together, if they only…ran together. So this time, he reached for his hand to stop him from letting go.

“…Till” he managed to mutter softly.

As his eyes finally focused a little bit, he was not able to hide his disappointment. Till’s figure was once again seated in his bed, right by his side, like he was waiting for him to torment him once more.

“Why… are you here?” He snapped at him as he could, but his body felt so heavy and his eyes were threatening him with falling asleep. He was so tired of seeing Till’s image in such a horrible goddamn creature like that.

He doesn’t remembers much after that and he’s pretty sure he fell asleep for a couple hours more before getting out of the dazed and confused state he found himself in. A few doctors talked to him and explained just a little bit of what was happening, being hit with the fact that he was no longer at home, but some sort of rebel facility.

He found himself looking through the small window that the room where he was located had, trying to take every bit of information as the sun raised and peaked though it.

“Hey! You must be Ivan! ” The door was slide open with force, making him jump a little bit and getting him out of his own thoughts, revealing a tanned tall woman with long hair, who then approached his bed and propped a chair right by his side.

“I am him.” He dully replied as he blinked a few times.

“The name’s Hyuna! We are so excited to have you here. You must have a lot of questions, but first.” She surely had an energy that he was kinda jealous of, she seemed so full of life and talked with such confidence he felt at ease. “What’s the last thing you remember?” The question took him by surprise, being the “medicinal pod” Unsha claimed it would help him get better the last thing he could recall before the dream of him and Till.

“I was…put into some sort of cabin by my guardian, as a medical treatment.” He explained, still lost in how in between that and now, he was out of segyein grasp.

“Listen, this is something that might be a really hard pill to swallow, and if you need time to gather your thoughts we’ll give it to you.” Hyuna explained to him with a serious face before looking him straight into his eyes as she reached for one of his hands to show some support.

“We found you in a segyein laboratory. We were there for another matters, but one of our guys found you, still dormant, in the…cabin that you mentioned. It seemed that you have been asleep for quite some time, kid.”

Those last words hit him like a truck, immediately recalling Unsha’s words to him when he mandated the “treatment”, that it was for his best interest, “for his own good”.

“How long was I asleep?” He asked in almost a whisper, even if he was afraid of the answer.

Hyuna sighed.

“5 years.”

He spent the rest of the morning and afternoon with the few people that were in the medical team, examining him and revising his health. He found himself enjoying the small talk he had with them, the horrible hallucination not even once in sight since last night. It was so refreshing, maybe Unsha was onto something when he told him that this was going to resolve his issue.

When he thought his afternoon couldn’t get any better, a familiar shade of pink crossed the door, her bright yellow eyes immediately clouding with tears as she ran to hug him. His limbs screamed in pain, but he couldn’t care less, he received his old friend in his arms as he hold her tight, burying his face into her bubblegum hair.

“Mizi, I can’t believe it. I thought I’d never see you again.” He pulled away from her a little bit to hold her face into his hands, examining every single detail, every little thing. He was so happy he felt like he could die at that very same moment. In a world where he lost absolutely everything, there was his childhood best friend, ready to embrace him with the most honest form of love.

“Your hair! It’s so long now!” Mizi cried as she examined him as well.

“And yours is short. It suits you so much.” He replied before embracing her once more into a hug, enjoying a few moments in silence before separating again. She was tearing up and was adamant on cleaning her own tears over and over again with her sleeves until it tapered off.

She took another look at her and noticed how the sweater she was using was dirty, reddish brown splotches staining it and even a little bit of her arms. Was she just returning of a mission or something? Was she injured? As much as he scanned her he wasn’t able to found the source of it, so as she was calming her own emotions, decided to ask.

“Mizi, is that blood on you? Are you hurt somewhere?” He asked genuinely worried. He wouldn’t like to be the cause Mizi neglecting herself for watching over him.

Her expression changed to a saddened one. Her gaze shifted to the floor for a second and then went back at him, serious and determined. She reached to hold both of his hands firmly, looking like she was trying to gain courage to speak.

“Ivan, I need to talk to you about something really important right now. But I need you to be honest with me.” Her lips seemed to tremble slightly before continuing.

“It’s about Till.”

And the mention of his name burned on his chest so much he got paler, like he just saw a ghost.

“He’s been really worried about you and told me you-“

He instinctively grabbed her arm, like he was begging her to please stop. His heart couldn’t handle more mind games as it was beating uncomfortably fast under his chest. At this point he was not even sure what was real or not.

“…What did you just said?” He laughed, incredulous. “Till is dead, I saw him die with my very own eyes. This is not a funny joke, Mizi.” He was pretty much serious, his eyes desperate and lacking light.

Mizi blinked a few times, confused.

“Ivan, he’s alive. He came to see you earlier and told me you guys spoke?” She tilted her head a little bit.

Ivan eyes were lost somewhere in space, recalling the vague memories of last night, a soft touch, the faded feeling of him grabbing his wrist. And as his mind ran a thousand miles per hour, he barely heard what Mizi said next.

“He’s not…doing good. I was hoping you guys could make amends?”

He was going to throw up. This had to be a joke, it was way too much information for his brain to even begin to process.

He lifted his hand to his mouth, his head spinning all over again.

“Mizi, I really don’t feel good right now…I might need to rest a little bit.”

Her eyes seemed concerned, but helped him get off his sitting position so he could lay horizontally in the bed again, allowing herself to stroke softly his hair for a moment before leaving.

“I’ll visit you again in the morning, rest well Ivan.”

The whole time he was convinced the person he saw earlier was a hallucination, but Till was there, by his side, and he had been so cold towards him.

What is he supposed to do now?....

Chapter Text

Ivan’s mind was a mess, his feelings all over the place after Mizi’s visit. His head hurt and his vision swam in and out of focus in rapid moments, which was something the doctor at least warned him about. His brain had been dormant for 5 years and the new information may be a little to much on his weak body, so he needed to be in complete rest for at least a week more before starting to be active again. But, how could he hold still? Mizi’s words were killing him inside, his mind playing dirty games with his raising anxiety.

Mizi had blood on her. When he asked about it, afraid it would be hers, she immediately told him about how Till was not doing fine. Was he injured somehow between last night and now? Guilt was eating him alive, he had been so mean to him. He didn’t meant it.

But how was he supposed to know? One day you are getting to sleep in a technological futuristic looking pod to “stop being so sad” because you miss your childhood friend so much you hallucinate him everywhere telling you to kill yourself and the next, you wake up from it with the same dead friend of your hallucinations sitting next to you in a hospital bed, alive and well.  OH, 5 YEARS LATER TOO.

Even if he was doing everything in his power to rationalize the situation, the fact is that he said what he said and looked at him like he was the devil himself. The guilt was eating him alive, and even more now that he knows that there was a chance he might be injured.

“Oh, fuck it.” He whispered to himself, running his hands through his face In frustration. He then proceeded to unplug himself from the machines by his sides and, propping himself up with his arms, sat in the bed to swing his legs by the side of it.

He was a man with a mission.

He tentatively put one foot on the cold floor and carried his weight to it to try and stand up, making his limbs scream in pain very quickly. His face transformed into a grimace and closed his eyes shut tight for a few seconds, at the same time, he concentrated on bringing air to his lungs in very deep breaths as he tried to ignore how his whole body was begging him to lie down again.

“Come on…”

He got as close as he could to the wall behind the bed and leaned on it heavily to manage to get on both of his feet. He was sweating cold already and his vision swimming in and out of focus was definitely not helping, but even if it took him the entire night, he was determined to look for him.

He needed to be sure this was not something his cruel brain was making up.

Till’s Pov.

When he woke up again, he saw himself lying down in a hallway. After a few seconds of looking around, came to the conclusion that he had not left the building, still at the rebellion facility, he then got up in his feet and realized how dark was the environment around him, a dim lamp above his head the one source of light.

As he began to walk down the corridor, the light followed him, turning the next lamp in front of him as the one he left behind turned off, it genuinely felt like something straight out of a horror movie.

He was nervous but kept walking forward, that was until he saw him.

Right in front of him was Ivan, as a child, his white Anakt’s garden clothes on and a perky smile on his face, just like he remembered him. The kid didn’t even left him time to process it before he started running away from him, giggling happily. He doesn’t know why he felt the strong necessity of following him, but even before resolving it, he was already running to try and catch up to him.

Ivan’s small figure stopped at the end of the hallway and turned back to look at him again, but when he was finally about to reach him, a gunshot impacted him right in front of him. Till’s eyes flew open and tried to scream his name, but nothing was coming out of his mouth, being so shocked he could barely move a muscle in that position. Then, in a blink, Ivan’s figure was not longer a child, but his Round 6 self, laying just at his feet, dead cold.

Till stood there shocked, the pool of blood staining his feet, and just as he came back to his senses, he suddenly felt a hand holding his ankle with a strong grip, piercing red eyes judging him from the cold floor as the figure raised his head to look at him.

“It’s all your fault.”

Till woke up in a gasp, his heartbeat like crazy and sweating cold. He stumbled his way out of bed rapidly, barely managing to grab the small trashcan from his bedroom in time as his back twitched, throwing up whatever he had left on his stomach.

“Heh, what a view.”

“…Shut up.” He responded with hoarse voice as he wiped his mouth clean. That was a fucking terrifying nightmare, lately everything on his mind has been turning very violent. As he stood up from the floor, he finally felt the consequences of last night’s actions, the pain from his neck and arms reminding him of everything that had happened when he went to saw Ivan.

“That’s so sad though. What a pitiful life and death.”

Till shut his eyes tightly for a moment, trying his best to ignore what the voice was suggesting him, knowing it was only to fuel his anxiety.

Ugh, maybe wouldn’t hurt…

 He sighed and frustrated with himself sat down on top of his bed to quickly put on some random socks.  Then, proceeded to make his way out of his room, objective clear in mind, the medical alley.

It was only to look. He knew Ivan didn’t wanted him there earlier, but it was pretty late and convinced himself that taking a quick peek of him sleeping would be enough to calm his racing heart and rapidly increasing anxiety, the pestering voice not quieting down not even for a moment, which he decided wholeheartedly to ignore.

He traversed the hallways in a slightly hasty pace, the darkness of the night a painful memory of what he just saw on his nightmare. It was so late that there were no sounds or lights visible from anywhere, and that’s why he frowned his brows in confusion as a distant panting sound seemed to approach him a little forward from there.  Till turned into the corner that got him to the few medical rooms that they had in the facility, finally finding the source of the noise he heard.

His whole body moved even faster than his mind could process when his eyes locked on those crimson unpredictable eyes, already bolting to catch Ivan’s weak body as he seemed to dangerously sway, his legs giving up on him as soon they encountered.

Ivan was walking on his own, hardly holding himself up with the wall and making his way out of the medical unit, the view was so beyond belief that even as his arms managed to catch his weight barely in time and lowered his body to the floor in a tight hug, he could hardly process what had just happened.  His heartbeat racing in his ear and his hands trembling over his clothes.

That had been a extremely close one.

“Ivan?! What were you thinking?!”  Till separated himself from the hug he was holding him with, trying to catch a look of his face desperately. Was he hurt anywhere? Both of his hands propped his face in between his palms and looked for any sign of harm, quickly scanning his body up and down, which made him notice quickly the way Ivan’s eyes were fluttering and how he was damp in cold sweat, which worried him sick.

“What were you possibly doing out here?  Are you this dumb on purpose?!” Till snapped, his face frowned in an attempt of looking mad at him, but his already teary eyes were telling the truth behind that mask. He just scared him to death, he just got him back, he could not bear to lose him so soon.

“You really are alive.” Ivan spoke softly, dropping his head on Till’s shoulder, freezing in place at the mention of those words. “I had to see you…” Till got to hear in a pained whisper, both still propped in a kneeled kinda hug.

Ivan’s words eased his heart and made his cheeks creep a slight blush.

“But you weren’t really eager to meet me yesterday…” Till confessed, leaning his head into Ivan’s and resting it there as he closed his eyes, enjoying the comforting and nostalgic touch for a moment.

“It’s a long story…I was... not speaking to youuu….” Ivan’s words got elongated as his voice started to fade slowly; at the same time, Till could feel the weight of his body increasing on him at a rapid pace.

“Hey, hey, Ivan, can you still hear me? Stay with me.” He desperately tried to catch a glimpse of his face again, the touch revealing to him the heat his skin was irradiating. 

“You are burning up…I need to get you to bed.”

Till propped Ivan’s arm over his shoulder and keeping a strong grip on the other’s waist, stood up, walking him slowly back into his room. In that position Till could distinguish very clearly the difference in constitution between the two of them. Ivan’s body felt so fragile and thin beneath his touch, his own body making a mockery in comparison. Till found himself silently saddened by the fact that he had 5 wonderful years of food on his plate, a warm bed, a roof and had the fortune of sharing it surrounded by friends that he trained with daily and kept him company, everything while Ivan was some sort of elitist segyein’s trophy.

Till stopped at the bed and carefully guided Ivan to lie down, catching a glimpse of a grimace by his part. He rapidly went to the small sink that was in the room, grabbing some cloth as well to damp it under the cold water. He strained it very well and sat in the bed, right by Ivan’s side, his hand heading to clear the dark and dampened by sweat streaks of hair that were sticking to his forehead, to then carefully place the cloth on it.

And finally there, when Ivan was back in bed as his breathing started to get steady again, he could not hold it anymore, the tears ran without remorse down his cheeks, burying his face in his hands in an attempt to hide what was evident.

“I swear to fucking…Why are you like this? Do you know how difficult it was to get you back? What would have happened if I hadn’t been there? You are so dumb, always pulling this sort of stupid shi- “Till’s angered rambling got interrupted by Ivan’s hands grabbing him by the arms and pulling him close, forcing his head to be buried in his chest. Till fought for a second in an attempt of freeing himself, he was angry, but in there, under his arms, found the most beautiful melody he’d heard to this day.

Ivan’s heartbeat. Calm, steady and real.

“You hear it?”

“…Yes.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Ivan muttered in a whisper. And for a second, Till perceived that his deep voice sounded different. It was not mocking him in any way, not brushing his feelings off to not make him worry. It sounded like a promise. And that was enough for him to release the breath he didn’t knew he was holding.
“I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m right here.” Ivan added, stroking his hair with such tenderness and delicacy that made his eyes flutter, his exhausted body slowly surrendering to sleep.

“I should be the one saying that, idiot…” Till said, his voice soft and relaxed.

There was nothing at that moment that could’ve make Till feel better. Ivan’s heart beating by his ear was the living proof that this was real, that it was no nightmare, no mind game.

And the best part of it all, there was no twisted voices.  Just pure silence, calm breathing and two synchronized beating hearts.

“I thought I’d never hear you calling me an idiot again” He joked in a whisper as he pulled him a bit closer, to then close his eyes, relaxing in the tender and healing moment. It felt so unreal to have Till’s warmth at his fingertips, to have his weight over his chest like they used to do when they were kids, falling asleep under a tree after a full day of performance training.

“You really are an idiot… but I’m happy I got to see you again.” Till whispered back, just moments before they both fell asleep, no more words were needed for the night.

Ivan’s Pov.

Ivan woke up earlier than Till, his headache almost gone, his limbs considerably less achy than last night and with his mind clarity back, yesterday’s events still a bit blurry. Till’s body hugging his own, his head resting on his chest still asleep, was what made him remember the most of it, giving himself the luxury of watching his face and to hear his calm breathing. At some point in the night, Till made his way under the blankets and stayed with him, giving Ivan the kind of warmth in his chest he’d never experienced before.

His fingers went to carefully brush the hair over his forehead, to then softly caress his face all the way down. He quickly found himself smiling like an idiot, his cheeks adorned in red as his mind repeated to him that all of this was real, that this was his Till, not an hallucination. He was so happy to be alive at that moment.

His hands touched something slightly different as he stroked his neck, it was the feeling of something a bit rough, getting him to tilt his head to examine what it was, finally finding the bandages that surrounded Till's neck. How did he got injured in the neck? That was what Mizi was talking about yesterday?

In the middle of those questions, he felt Till move over his chest as his eyes fluttered open slowly, making Ivan immediately remove his hand from that spot and carrying it to softly stroke Till’s hair once more.

“…Mhm, good morning” He said in a groggy voice, rubbing his eyes before raising his head a bit to look at him. It was not weird for them to sleep together when they were children, but it felt so different that time. So intimate, so warm, he was unable to look at his silly sleepy face without his cheeks turning red again.

“Good morning, Till.” He replied, his eyes trying to pry now in a better angle at the bandages in the other’s neck. “Hey so, I didn’t noticed it last night, but are you injured? Was on a mission?” Ivan asked, pointing to his neck.

This question clearly startled Till, and as his eyes went wide and his mouth opened to say something, the sliding door of the room did too, revealing Hyuna’s figure standing there. Both of them separated in a panic, Till franticly trying to get out of his bed.

“Well, well! I see you are getting quite comfortable already Ivan!” She laughed loudly as she crossed her arms and leaned in the frame of the door. Both his face and Till’s were ignited in an intense shade of red, btoh looking to separate ways to stupidly pretend they weren’t just caught cuddling in the same bed.

“I was just leaving.” Till cleared his throat as he got up, his head down to try to hide his flushing cheeks from Hyuna, who’ll definitely never let him live this down. He hurried to the door to escape, but her arm stopping his way out made him jump in his place.

“I came to ask if you were feeling better enough to eat. Does soup sound okay?” Hyuna asked to Ivan without erasing the mocking grin on her face. Of course she’d never let Till live this down, it was too good.

Ivan nodded as he cleared his throat and awkwardly scratched the back of his neck with one hand.

“Great then. Till, would you be a darling and grab it from the kitchen?” Till eyed her with fulminating gaze. She looked so pleased with herself, her eyes and grin speaking volumes to him, there was absolutely, no way she would not annoy him with this for the rest of his life, it was a warning to do what she said.

“…Sure.” And as Till hurriedly left the room, Hyuna entered it, closing the door behind her back to sit by the chair next to him.

“Mizi told me you were not feeling well, so I got worried for a second there, I didn’t expect a whole nurse checking you the ENTIRE night!”

Ivan buried his face into his palms as he complained.

Till’s Pov.

He could feel his face burning hot as he hurriedly made his way into his room to get some shoes, the memories from last night not helping him get rid of it.

It was not the first time they’d slept together, why did it felt so different this time?

And as he tried to figure the answer to that question, his mind flew him back to the image of Ivan’s arms pulling him close and to his chest to calm him down.

UGHH, THAT ASSHOLE. Why is he acting so cool all of a sudden?!

He opened his door and as soon he was alone again, sat on the floor with his knees up and dropped his head over them. He could still feel his soft touch, how he stroked his hair as he spoke so deep and lovingly to him. His heart was beating so fast, he was so pissed at him.

He sighed in frustration and picked up the shoes that were laying by his bed to put them on, he didn’t wanted to leave Ivan waiting that much either, both needed to eat. And as he finished with his shoes, finally caught a glimpse of what had been his outburst of two nights ago, his mirror broken, pieces of paper that once were drawings or songs destroyed into a million pieces and the dried blood on the floor, which made him lift his sleeves to see the consequences of his actions.

He was covered in band-aids and bandages, his nails still carrying a bit of dried blood under them. And as much he wanted to remember exactly what had happened that night, his mind was a blur, fueled by anger, grief, desperation, everything. He had to thank Mizi later for what she had been doing for him, as he was also sure his room was more destroyed than it was now, so she probably tidied it up a little bit for him.

“You rely so much on others. It’s embarrassing.”

His eyes widened open as he stood up and frowned his eyebrows.

“Huh. You are back.”

He had the most repairing sleep he’d had in years, he couldn’t even remember when was the last time he’d slept without having a nightmare. He had such a nice, quiet and peaceful night he had almost forgotten about it.

Till decided to ignore the bickering of his returning voice as he approached the cafeteria, looking for the kitchen manager as Hyuna instructed, he imagines the kind of food the people in the medical alley receive was a different kind, a lighter, easier to digest one.

He patiently waited for the food and grabbed some simple sandwiches for himself, but as he turned back, he was able to see Hyuna, already hugging Mizi and speaking with Dewey and Isaac, who were sharing their breakfast in between chat and soft laughter.

Oh no.

He tried to sneakily past by them, but Hyuna grabbed him by his arm, which made it hurt slightly, but nothing crazy.

“Oh…Good morning guys, I didn’t saw you there, haha…” He spoke, turning back at them as Hyuna looked at him with a raised brow and the same god forbidden grin she had earlier.

“Trying to avoid us Loverboy?” Dewey said as he sipped on his coffee mug, the same mocking grin in his face.

Mizi looked at the four of them confused, so she blinked a few times trying to decipher whatever information she apparently missed.

“What’s with Till?” Mizi asked.

“Oh, nothing, he’s just on his way to deliver some soup for the poor people recovering in the medical alley. He’s a very talented nurse, you know. He was so early helping in there.” Hyuna made a fake compassionate face as she touched her chest like she was moved.

“Oh, please.” Till begged.

Mizi’s eyes went to the soup in his hands, to then up to his flushed red face and disheveled hair, then back to Hyuna, Dewey and Isaac, who were silently cracking up, Dewey even hitting the table a bit.

Then, Mizi’s mouth went agape.

“Oh my god you spent the-“

“Oh well! Look at the time! I need to get this to Iva- to the patient, okay? See you later!” He spoke stumbling over his words as he hurriedly escaped the scene.

When he arrived at the medical unit again and slided the door open, stomping in anger and embarrassment, the moment Ivan saw him made him burst into laughter, apparently knowing exactly what Hyuna had just done to make him so upset.

And right there, watching him laugh so carefree as the sunlight creeping through the window hit his face, his now long dark hair falling over his eyes as he inclined to the front to laugh, was everything he needed at that exact moment, a slight blush creeping in at his dumb, dumb, pretty face.

His next days passed quickly, making a common occurrence for everybody to see Till getting up pretty early to visit Ivan or straight up watching him leave his room in the morning, spending the night in there sometimes. Till quickly found comfort in that routine, getting up at dawn with him by his side, listening to his beating heart to ensure he was still alive, going at the kitchen to grab breakfast for both of them, getting absolutely bullied by Hyuna and his friends, eat together, help him with daily stuff as washing his hair or bringing him books so he doesn’t get bored, train for two hours with Mizi, shower, rush back to Ivan’s room and fall asleep together.

Till found so much comfort in his new everyday life, he was able to pretend for a little while, just for a little bit more time of it, that’s all he needed. And the truth was, he was hit with a very powerful fact the first night he spent without Ivan, his voices weren’t going away anytime soon and the nightmares he was so tired of persisted. He quickly learned that they seemed to disappear completely when he was in the same room as Ivan. At that fact, and knowing the possible consequences of it, started spending as much time as he could by his side.

It was not everything bad, now that they were both finally free from segyein hands, they found themselves learning a lot more from one another, the kind of things they weren’t able to learn due to the circumstances in Anakt garden, like how much Ivan enjoyed his hair being blow-dried, how insane amount of sugar Till drank his coffee with in the mornings, how Ivan's hair was actually wavy and liked to style it a lot, or Till’s unspoken ways to ask him to stroke his hair for him to fall sleep, they were learning every little thing about each other and spending so much time together…So why Ivan’s eyes were still so... deviant of light?

How much was he pretending to cling to him just so the voices disappeared?

The painful truth they were blissfully ignoring for a few more normal, calm days, was that even if they learned so much about each other and talked for hours every day, no word about the events of that rainy night that changed everything for them was spoken. Their trauma so deeply rooted, nothing had really changed for any of them, still broken and hurt, but as long as they were together, they could pretend a little more.

Just a little more.

That day, as usual, after finishing their breakfast Till got to clean up around Ivan’s room a little bit and prepared some stuff for washing and trimming his hair just slightly so his bangs wouldn’t cover his eyes. And as both enjoyed the silence of their company, Ivan’s eyes closed at the soft touch of his hands, Till’s mind wandered with curiosity around a question he had since the moment he found him.

Why was he in that pod? What happened that night that led him to be in some genetic segyein laboratory?

“Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“¿Hm? Anything, Till.” Ivan answered, without moving a muscle to not disturbe Till's careful snipping.

“Why were you in that…machine?”

Ivan’s Pov

Ivan’s eyes opened and turned back at him to look him in the eyes, blinking for a moment. Processing. The question caught him by surprise, but was not bothered by it. He had been ignoring the elephant in the room since they started spending their days together, in love with his new comfortable way to spend his days. No vocal training, no machines in the corners of his mouth, no daily straightening of his hair or beauty maintenance procedures, just spending his time with short daily walking exercises with Till, chatting, eating, doing everything with him. It was perfect.

But he knew something was not right with it.

Even if he enjoys how Till had grown into an affectionate and loving person and how much effort he was putting into his care for him to get better soon, he noticed how the daily two hours he was gone to train shortened to one and a half, to then one hour.

How he hurriedly came back from getting breakfast and lunch, how tired he looked when he didn’t spend the night there with him.

He knew something was wrong, but decided not to push, uncharacteristically so. He probably had bigger fish to fry and was already getting worried about taking up so much of his daily time.

So when Till asked, he was just a little bit surprised he was the one to initiate that conversation.

And what was he going to tell him? He was so embarrassed by it that his best shot was to try to brush it off under the rug.

“Ah…” Ivan laughed awkwardly, turning back to his original position so he could finish up with his work.

“It’s really embarrassing to be honest; you can’t laugh at me.” He chuckled softly, Till’s careful snipping continuing over his talking. “I really thought I was…gone, but woke up a week later in my childhood home. By that time, the first thing I did was ask about you.”

He sighed and covered his face with his hands. “I was so devastated when I found out you were gone. I couldn’t handle it, and living under Unsha’s roof as a pet was something that got old very quickly now that I didn’t had…anything to live for. So I tried to end it.” He laughed again softly as he took his hands over his face, to then sigh.  

“I tried it so many times Unsha must have decided I wasn’t worth saving anymore. It’s pathetic, I kno-“

He stopped talking  and turned around as soon he realized Till was no longer cutting his hair, a shaky breath sound coming from behind his back.

Till was crying.

He had both of his hands propped tightly into fists and over his own eyes, the tears coming out non stop as his back trembled with every gasp.

He stood there like an idiot, his eyes open in shock and his lips parted.

“You are so stupid, it makes me so angry.” His words were sharp, but how was he able to say those things with such a pained face? Ivan brought his hand to his shoulder softly, like we was trying to approach a wounded animal, immediately making Till remove his hands from his face and drop his head over his shoulder, holding just a tiny bit of the fabric of his sleeves between his fingers.

“You must’ve felt so alone. I’m sorry. If I knew I would have looked for you sooner.” Till whispered. “Don’t say things like that and laugh it up like it’s something funny.”

And his words made his chest feel so tight he had to take a deep breath to come back to the present, all of his memories haunting him in a rapid flash.

Ivan softly rested his hand over Till’s head and caressed his hair, closing his eyes once more as he waited for Till’s tears to stop at his own time.

“I’m sorry. I won’t.”

Till continued with his work after he calmed down, the atmosphere still a bit tense, no more words spoken. He brushed his hair for a whiile when he was done, cleaned up the place once more and told him he was off to train with Mizi.

Except this time, he came back after 35 minutes.

Chapter Text

Till’s Pov

A couple of days had passed since the incident in Ivan’s room. Since that day, Till’s worries have increased significantly, the voice that so constantly pestered him when he was separated from Ivan turning even more pessimistic and dramatic than before, it’s antics so cruel that convinced him that in the short period of time that he was training, showering or preparing stuff for an upcoming mission, Ivan was going to get abducted, lost or just die inexplicably.

Which was really dumb in retrospect.

Ivan had been putting so much effort in getting better, being able to walk on his own short distances. The medics have a very positive prognosis about his health and his state of mind, being the full recovery of the last one the most important requirement in the way of dismissing him finally. Yeah, he had to keep going for check-ups every day or so, but he could finally move into a room and maybe even start train…-

No. He’s too weak yet. Absolutely no. He still hasn’t recovered from the time Ivan passed out on him due to overexertion on one of his walks. He had been frightened.

There was absolutely no way he would let Ivan train yet. Even less to participate in next scheduled missions.

He couldn’t help it. Now that he knew the truth about Ivan’s miraculous appearance, the thought of it wouldn’t leave him alone, not even for a second. His mind would constantly flash him with images of horrible scenarios, and even if Ivan didn’t told him everything with depth and detail, his brain was filling those blank spaces with every possible way he could’ve tried to kill himself.

And several times…? The lightness of how he told the story  was too cruel.

Till shook his head softly to get his mind from it as he walked from the cafeteria to Ivan’s room after getting breakfast for both, as usual. It was time to think about much positive stuff; he was excited to tell him about something Mizi and Hyuna told him last training session.

Apparently, every few years, there were this kind of astronomic events that you could see in the sky at night, and both girls spoke to him about some sort of meteor shower that hasn’t happened in the last 10-12 years, immediately bringing out bittersweet memories about that night in the garden when they were kids, the night when Ivan had asked him to run away from everything together, to be free from segyein hands. 

And he abandoned him last second.

The distant memory of the night of the meteor shower was one he usually saw on his nightmares and tormented him even out of them, the painful “what if” and the guilt he felt as he let go of the warmth of his hand to reach for an unobtainable one back in the garden. Ivan could’ve escaped that night on his own even after that, he told him he had everything planned, but he didn’t.

Till this day, he still couldn’t figure out the reason behind Ivan’s actions.

That’s why he decided he was going to surprise him tonight. He had been on the roof of the facility a few times and looked like the perfect spot to watch it together, a way to redeem all the guilt that followed him for years and a moment to glance at the future without segyeins that Ivan had dreamed of that night, both finally free.

Till smiled to himself at that thought and slided open the door of Ivan’s room.

“Hey, I forgot to tell you earlier, I wanted to-…” He spoke, freezing in place when he saw Ivan’s bed made, the room pristine and not a sight of him, like he had never been there. He checked behind the door, since lately he gained the dumb habit of hiding from him, apparently thrilled with watching him get angry for it.

But there was nothing, not even the slippers he used to move around.

His heart raced and his breathing started to accelerate, his mind giving him a thousand terrible scenarios of what happened to him.

“Maybe he got bored of you. What if he did something to himself?”

Shut up. Shut up.

He hurriedly left the things he was carrying on the small table that was propped on the room and darted out of there.

This was his worst nightmare and now he was living it.

Ivan’s Pov

Ah. The day was beautiful.

The sun was creeping through his window, pleasantly warming him up and making him feel at peace. In the meantime that Till had left to grab food for both, he had decided to stand up and get dressed on his own, a simple white short- sleeved shirt that revealed past scars and flimsy arms, some black pants that they had lent him previously and his pair of slipers. He tidied up the room and as he enjoyed the view through his window, decided that he wanted to get out on his own to have some fresh air.

But of course, he had secret intentions behind.

The day he told Till about the reason he was on that sleep-cabin on the first place was the day he decided that something had to change. For Till’s wellbeing, he was tired of his own selfishness, he was taking up so much of his valuable time.

After Till left on that occasion, he came back from his 2 hour training session after 35 minutes, his hair soaking wet and his breath labored like he had just run from wherever he was. When he asked about what had happened to his training, the response he got was dismissive, immediately going to lie down next to him. Even if the session was as short as it had been, his face looked absolutely exhausted, so he took the liberty of blow drying his hair and let him sleep by his side while he read in silence.

But he noticed. He noticed his sessions getting shorter and shorter and how out of breath he returned to his room every time he had to leave even if it was for a few minutes. He was taking up so much time of Till’s day, and even if at first made his chest feel happy with that idea, he was quickly getting worried about wasting his time, he was sure that Till was missing stuff and distracting himself from actual important things because he was busy taking care of him.  He didn’t wanted to keep worrying him.

He'd be fine.

He walked out of his room stretching his limbs softly and went to look for the exit. Till had brought him one time for one of his daily walks, so he remembered the path he had to follow to enjoy the sun by himself for a while.

He’d been hiding from him and taking small walks every time he had the chance. At first it was only because he enjoyed making him mad, often receiving a scolding and a hit in the head that felt so nostalgic and familiar it made his heart jump, but now, it was a way to liberate Till from him, even for a little while.

It was the first time he had actually left fully on his own without telling him, but maybe him being annoyed at him would be enough so he’d have time to do things for himself and to not worry anymore.

Or that was the plan.

He approached the door that led him to outside as a headache placed itself behind his eyes, making him sway slightly. He blinked a few times and shook his head to come back as he supported himself with the wall to keep walking. He was fine, it was normal by this time, he only needed to sit for a bit, the doctors told him it was nothing serious. As long as he took breaks and did nothing crazy, he could move on his own pretty well.

He felt the slightly chilly air hit his face as he opened the door, guiding himself slow and patiently to a makeshift bench the rebels seemed to have built, alongside a table they made to probably drink on late nights together.

He sat down and let his body relax for a few seconds, closing his eyes under the pleasant warm sensation of the sun touching his skin. In there, he opened his eyes to watch the sky in silence, finding a comfortable feeling in being alone with his thoughts for the first time in a while. He hopes Till doesn’t get too mad at him.

His mind went to the vivid memory of the first time he woke up, the recording of Till’s last round and the shot on his neck. He remembered so clearly how his body reacted, the wretching sensation on his chest and how since that moment felt completely empty, like someone had carved his insides and let that space hollow. He remembered the guilt, he remembered how devastated Till looked at that stage and how his own love and image was weaponized to hurt the person he’d cared for the most.

He felt so incredibly selfish all the time. He did not deserve the care he was receiving from Till and seeing him abandon himself to take care of the dumb body he was so adamant to destroy back then. He knew his slow recovery was his own fault and once again Till was the one paying the price.  

He stayed feeling the warmth of the sunlight for a few minutes more, until a powerful slam from the door he got out of got him out of his thoughts, making his whole body jump startled.

“THERE YOU ARE, YOU ABSOLUTE MORON.” Till’s voice sounded angrier than he’d particularly enjoyed, so he turned around slowly, like he was frightened of setting him off even more.

“Care to explain what the FUCK are you doing out here when I explicitly told u not no move?” Till approached him stomping enraged, so he got up from his seat and took a step back, laughing nervously, arms propped in front of him like he was trying to calm down an actual beast.

“Till, I - “

He was absolutely mad. Even if he enjoyed rage baiting him a little bit, this didn’t looked like all the other times at all, he seemed so frustrated and pissed at him, his face was red and he could swear his gaze could kill him if he wanted to.

“You need to start listening, now.”  He said as he got closer to him and positioned himself to give him a push so he got moving, he was  absolutely not in the mood for jokes today. The movement of the push made him start walking, barely noticing when he slightly swayed in his place and his eyes fluttered.

Till, on the contrary, seemed to notice quicker than him, because in barely milliseconds he had propped both of his hands on his shoulders to steady him, to then guide him to sit down. In there, Till brought his hands to touch his face, to touch his forehead, to check his pulse. He was not 100% sure, but his eyes, slightly tearful, looked like he was desperately scanning to find something.

Till’s Pov

This goddamn absolute stupid fuck.

To say that he was frustrated was way too little. He was both incredibly angry at him as he was frightened, the voice he constantly pestered his thoughts only quieting down the second he found him. Thankfully someone had just seen Ivan going out and let him know when he saw him running around like a maniac looking for him.

He must admit he got carried away this time. He didn’t intended to push him as hard as that came, but his feeling were so raw in the moment, fueled by the image of Ivan passed out or dead in some corner of the facility by himself.

Luckily, he had developed enough instinct to react quickly as soon as he saw him sway.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He muttered as his hands frantically touched his face. Was he feverish? Is he feeling sick? Was his heart beating normally?

Ivan’s hands went to his own and lowered them to look him in the eyes, the crimson of his calm gaze enough to steady his rapid beating heart.

“Till, I’m fine, I asked for it.” He laughed softly. “I was already resting from coming all the way here alone like an idiot, it’s not your fault. Come here.” Ivan said, pulling him so he could sit beside him for a moment.

“You scared me.” He murmured, not even sure if Ivan got to hear him.

He felt so guilty. He had left his emotions control him to the point of forgetting how Ivan’s body was. He was just making progress on his own and the first thing he did about it was screaming and pushing the recovering just rescued person, great.

His thoughts got interrupted as he felt the weight of Ivan’s head fall over his shoulder.

“I wanted to see the sky, feel the sun. Sorry for leaving, this time I went too far.” He heard, all of his worry, anger and fears dissipating as easily as they came. His simple words and gesture enough to bring him back to the present.

The sky, huh?

His words reminded him of what he was thinking when he was on his way back from the cafeteria, the meteor shower.  The surprise.

“That reminds me… I want to take you somewhere important tonight. Are you… feeling good enough to go?” Till said, leaning his head over the one on his shoulder carefully.

“Perfectly fine.” Ivan said, closing his eyes as both relaxed in eachother’s company. Ivan had a vision coming to this place, the breeze felt refreshing and the sun beams were just on point to be cozy and not too hot.

They enjoyed the comfortable silence for a couple more minutes before being broken by stupid.

“Anyways, I’m hungry, where’s breakfa-“Ivan’s question got immediately interrupted by being shoved away by Till, to then stand up and walk towards the entrance to leave without him.

“Wait for meee!” He heard in a whiny voice behind his back.

That moron.

The rest of the evening went relatively uneventful, Ivan and him following his usually conjoined routine as usual. Lunch, then training, then shower… Everything exactly the same, even the now usual mockery from Hyuna and the guys while they trained, because apparently he did not did the best job hiding his desperation that morning, as everyone and their mother saw him running across the hallways screaming Ivan’s name, so he had now given her new material to be making fun of.

It was midnight when he went to grab Ivan from his room, a black jacket that was a little bit to big on him hanging by his arm so he didn’t get cold, since it could be really chilly at that hour and the last thing he needed was for Ivan to get sick.

“Ivan?” Till asked softly, sliding his door just a bit in case he was sleeping, to then take a peek inside. There he found Ivan and Mizi, the first sitting on his bed as the other was gently brushing and helping his friend by styling his hair.

“Trust me, he’ll like this one.” He heard Mizi say quietly to Ivan, which made him direct his attention to the small ponytail Mizi was just finishing for him. His long hair rested over his neck, and his bangs fell so nicely over his forehead now that the longer parts were tied, giving him also a clearer view of his ears and neck. He would look good with some earrings, he’s sure he has a few extra in his roo…-

Oh my god what was he thinking now. Control yourself Till.

He decided to make more noise and pretend he had just arrived, but his flushed face was not helping him at all.

“Hey Ivan? Are you still awake?” He asked as he fully opened the door, making both squirm like they were scared he accidentally heard them talking. Which he did, or at least the last part.

And he didn’t really understand what Mizi was talking about when she said “He will like this one” until Ivan fully stood up to greet him.

He was wearing a tight black long-sleeved turtleneck, perfectly complementing the new hair style as he had a clear vision of his neck and his face. As much he was embarrassed to admit, this type of lifestyle seemed to fit Ivan like a glove, he looked…cool. He, in fact, did like how he looked.

Mizi seemed to connect two dots when he saw him enter Ivan’s door at that hour, apparently.

“Till! Are you guys going to watch the-? “

“Aaah- Yes, the thing. Yes.” Till interrupted her. He hadn’t told Ivan what was exactly happening that night, but it was important for him. It felt like he could once and for all leave behind so much of his past to compromise with a brighter future with his new family, now finally complete. Having Mizi and Ivan together in the same room was something he would never get tired of seeing.

Ivan looked a little bit confused as he and Mizi exchanged glances, they were mentally communicating, her eyes brightening in excitement. What did she think they were doing? Tch.

“I’ll get going then!” Mizi gave a small peck on Ivan’s cheek and quickly left the room.

Till sighed and approached Ivan to hand him the black jacket he got from his room. For some reason he was so nervous he couldn’t bring himself to watch him in the eye, which apparently Ivan catched immediately.

“Does Mizi being close with me bothers you?” His question startled him enough to take a few steps back, his cheeks rapidly painted in an intense red.

“HUH? Why would you say something like that?” He exclaimed, his gaze still avoiding the contrary’s.

“You are frowning.” And was that comment the one that made him finally look at his face, softening his expression at the sight of his.

…What was with that pathetic pained smile?

He can be really infuriating sometimes.

Ivan’s Pov

As they both walked together along a path he wasn’t able to recognize, his mind began to wander over what had just happened.

Mizi went to see him an hour ago to check on him and chat as she did every once in a while, when she could make time in between her chores, training and meetings, being that way how he learned that the rebellion was working on a new complicated mission in a few weeks, and not only that, but that Till was a part of it.

Till had mentioned nothing about it nor spoken one word about his work in the rebellion, only knowing small details like he knew how to drive and that he trained fighting a lot with Mizi, but other than that, Till had been pretty reluctant to tell him anything about it, often changing the topic if the conversation shifted even a little bit towards it.

In between his chat with Mizi, he happened to mention that Till wanted to show him something important that night as he could now move more on his own, which was apparently something “huge”, in her own words, and that she was going to help him to get ready for it.

Till used to help when his hair was a bit too much for his face, so when Mizi decided to tie it in a ponytail, it made him wonder if it wasn’t way too weird. His whole life his hair has been kept at the same, carefully straightened, perfectly trimmed bangs that fell at the exact length they wanted so he could keep up his image with the public, so seeing his dark hair fall wavy, messier than he’s used to and long enough to be held in a ponytail was something a little bit weird for him.

“What if he thinks it’s too messy? I’ve never wore it like this.” He asked Mizi, who seemed extremely proud of her work.

“Are you joking? You look amazing! I assure you; he’ll like this one.”

When Till showed up, his heart jumped. Not only because it seemed like the bare mention of him just spawned him in, but also because he could’ve heard his dumb ranting.

For a second, Mizi’s enthusiasm was something that made him wonder if this really was such a big deal as she painted it, letting himself get excited at the unrealistic idea of being alone with Till with other motives. At least he could allow himself to daydream for a second, he was well aware that Till was just a very nice person overall, he made it very clear from the start that he didn’t see him as he saw him.

And the frown at Mizi’s kiss on his cheek was what fully brought him back to that known reality. Till wasn’t even aware that he was frowning at the fact of Mizi showing him affection, his feelings for her being clear for him from the start.

Which didn’t help with his guilt about what he had done in their round.

“We are here, put the jacket on.” Till’s voice brought him out his own thoughts, making him immediately put on the black leather jacket he lent him. In front of him was a door he had not seen before, just by the flight of stairs he didn’t even notice he climbed.

Till opened the door and extended his hand to him, which made him blink a few times in amusement. He was so unbelievably kind to him, it warmed his heart. He took his hand as he delivered a soft smile, going through the door with him.

They were outside, definitely cold. The wind ruffled his hair slightly as they both approached the railing the place had, quickly realizing they were on the rooftop of the facility. The sky was pitch black, with only a few stars illuminating the night. In there, Till let go of his hand and proceeded to lean over the railing, his cheeks and nose turning pink under the chilly air.

“This is a nice place.” Ivan commented with a smile, leaning in the railing with both of his arms propped on it. In there, he was able to notice not only they were higher than he expected, maybe on a third floor, but also a bright pink hair seated in the distance with a group of people, all chatting and laughing all the way down in the grass.

“Oh, everyone seems to be out today. Is today that important?” Ivan directed his eyes to Till once again, who was eyeing a little old clock sitting on his wrist.

“For me, it is.” Till said with a sincere smile as the sky slowly but steadily changed its dark color for a brighter, reddish and orange one.

Till’s Pov

His heart was about to explode. He was trying so hard to act cool in front of him, his stupid hair and his stupid shirt distracting him from his goal, that’s why he kept himself walking right in front of him the whole path towards the rooftop. If he looked at him one more time he would forget his original objective. To say sorry, to redeem himself, to finally express to him that he was seen.

He anxiously looked at his clock when they both leaned on the railing. It should be any second now according to what Hyuna said to him. He wonders if the people down there on the grass were able to see them, a little nervous about giving them more embarrassing material on him.

“Is today important?” Of course it was, at least for him.

Just as he said that, his eyes adverted the way the sky changed its colors, the deep night being replaced by a bright mix of red and orange hues. And just when he thought it couldn’t be any prettier, bright yellow lights appeared over the sky, adorning it with the same landscape he remembered when they were kids. He took a deep breath to encourage himself, his heart beating strongly under his chest and his palms already a bit sweaty because of the nerves.

“You remember? That night. In the garden.” He started; gaze lost in between his fidgeting fingers and shaky hands. “I-I’ve been thinking about it since it happened.” He chuckled nervously, his voice shakier than he’d expected.

“What I really wanted to say is-…”

Till took the courage and lifted his head to finally be able to look at Ivan.

His words got stuck in his throat and his eyes widened as he stood there, immobile, shocked.

Ivan was looking at the sky absolutely amazed. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes were wide open like an excited kid, bringing him back to that exact same night, 12 years ago.

He looked mesmerized by the view, his long now tied hair was dancing with the wind lightly, his cheeks tinted in a soft pink and, what shocked him so much he felt like crying, his eyes were so, so full of light.

It had been so long since he’d seen his dark crimson gaze being illuminated, he got thunderstruck, the colors in the sky were reflecting on them so beautifully he wasn’t able to mutter not a single word after it, his brain short circuiting and refusing to reboot.

He looked so beautiful.

Fuck, he wonders if he could hear how loudly his heart was beating…Please shut up.

“…Ivan.” He muttered softly, making Ivan look at him.

The world seemed to stop completely as his body moved on his own. He closed his eyes, tilted his head lightly to one side and closed the distance between them, uniting their lips in a soft, innocent kiss.

Ivan’s eyes flew open as he stayed completely still for a few seconds, his mind completely blank. He blinked a few times, trying to come back to the present moment. His heart was beating extremely fast, his cheeks reddening as soon as he realized what was happening. Ivan suddenly felt like crying as he timidly closed his eyes and reciprocated his kiss, barely moving a muscle.

In that moment, Ivan felt as Till put both of his hands over his chest, his touch timid as he started to move his lips just a little bit, movement that Ivan reciprocated.

His chest felt so warm. He wanted to have him closer, so close.

His hands went so Till’s back, his fingers caressing the spot as he pulled him a little bit closer. This movement was enough for Till to gain the confidence to move his hands up, comfortably resting them over his shoulders.

Ivan’s hands went slowly up his spine as their lips continued dancing a slow kind of vals. Their chests so close he could feel Till’s heart beating over his own.

For Till, he didn’t even registered that he actually went for the kiss he had been unknowingly fantasizing about all this time, until he felt Ivan’s lips move on his own. His hands were instinctively moving over to his chest to have him closer.

 In that night where he went to get a resolution for his mental wellbeing, found the answer of every blank space his mind had been creating since the day he found Ivan in that laboratory. The answer to why was he so mad when they discarded him like a memento, why was he so hurt to being rejected when he first saw him, why was he so scared of losing him to the point he hadn’t slept in his own bed in a week or more.

The answer of why Mizi kissing Ivan’s cheek had pinched him straight into the chest.

He fell in love with him.

In between soft, quiet breaths, a warm embrace and an orange tinted sky he realized his feelings towards Ivan were not as simple as the childhood crush he used to have on Mizi, he realized right there the true meaning of being in love with someone.

It’s so sad that you can’t live of love.

Ivan’s hands softly went up to hold his jaw in between his palms, his touch so full of tenderness. But that warm feeling dissolved quickly, turning into a boiling sensation over his skin, the spots his hands were holding him.

Suddenly, Till felt his hands squeezing his neck, hard. Images of their round flashing by his eyes swiftly enough to dizzy him. The sky was not bright red anymore, but  gray and raining, and Ivan was not wearing the clothes he thought looked so good on, but the saddening white that they forced him to wear that night.

He propped both of his hands on Ivan’s chest again and pushed, hard. He took a few steps back as his mind was spiraling, his chest felt extremely tight and his lungs refused to receive the air he was trying to deliver.

He shut his eyes closed and brough his hands to his neck, scratching profusely to try and get the invisible hands off his neck, praying  at the same time that the world stopped spinning for a second. In there, he swayed in his place as his knees collapsed under him.

The world was reminding him of the truth he was so adamant to ignore, the painful reality he was running of by spending all the time at Ivan’s side, everything so the nightmares and voices didn’t pester him with the horrible facts.

Everything that happened in Round 6 actually happened. Ivan decided to kiss him forcefully and put up a whole show in front of everyone by choking him so he would die like a stupid hero. He left him alone with a guilt that he had to carry over 5 years. A guilt that has tormented every aspect of his life since the moment he saw his body fall lifeless at his own feet.

Ivan’s Pov

His eyes flew open at the strong force pushing him away, blinking a few times in confusion. As his sight adjusted again to the figure in front of him, he was able to see how Till’s gaze was completely lost somewhere in space. He stood completely shocked for a moment, trying to compute in his head what was he supposed to do in that moment.

Of course, all of his quick reasoning left his head as soon as he saw him start scratching his own neck and wobble on his feet. He quickly ran to catch him in between his arms, feeling his whole weight fall over him. He had absolutely no idea what was happening to Till, but was scared out of his damn mind. He could hear his wheezing breaths as he cried in his chest, having to grab one of his hands to stop him as it was still trying to scratch his own neck.

In that place, with Till melted over his body, crying so disheartened, with one of his hands strongly gripping his own chest, he was finally able to see the scars and barely healed wounds of his neck, his skin red from new angered scratches and cuts.  

“Till. Hey, I’m going to carry you to the infirmary, okay?”  He was finally able to mutter as he tried to grab a look at his face, which was still scrunched in a painful expression. Whatever was happening to him, it looked so agonizing that it was making him nervous.

“Why?! Why would you do something like that?!” Till snapped in between tears, pushing him away once more and creating distance between both of them by crawling off his embrace.

Ivan looked at him trying to figure out what he meant by it.

“You just collapsed on the ground, what do you mea- “

“Why would you decide to die that day?! You wanted to be a hero so bad?!” Till screamed, the tears hopelessly falling over his face.

Ivan’s eyes flew open once more. This was his fault. Till was feeling so distraught over his selfish decision in that stage that was causing him this amount of pain.

“I’m sorry. Till, It was the only way to protect-“Ivan spoke, his hand going to try to touch his shoulder softly.

“Don’t say that shit to me! “He screamed at him again, eyes opening finally to slap his hand away.

In there, when Till finally directed his gaze towards Ivan, his expression turned into a slightly shocked one.

Ivan was looking at him with the most painful expression he had ever seen on someone’s face, his eyes deviant from the beautiful light he had just seen mere moments ago.

This was enough to bring him a bit into reality, being able to concentrate on his own to auto regulate his breathing as Mizi had been teaching him. Apparently, something Hyuna found in an old medical book they had in storage.

It took him a few minutes to adjust his breathing and his nonstop racing heart. The whole time he was on it, Ivan had not said a single word or moved a single muscle, just nervously eyeing every movement he made, occasionally seeing him frown while watching his neck.

“Ivan. Ugh, listen.” With his mind clearer, he ran both of his hands though his face and complained. Everything was going fine, and he just had to…

“Are you okay…?” He heard Ivan ask, his face completely serious, but his eyes demonstrated how actually worried he was.

“I am.” Till scratched the back of his neck, “This has been happening for a while now.” He confessed, if it was time to speak about the ugly stuff, he was going to tell him about it. “It started when I found you in that…thing. At first I thought it was some sick joke my mind was pulling on me. I’ve been having this…horrible nightmares about you almost every night since that day.”

Till sighed before continuing.

“I’ve had a couple more episodes since. I don’t remember a lot of them, but they started getting worse when…I started hearing shit.”

Ivan’s attention seemed to be catch at that statement.

“You heard…things?”

Till nodded.

“It took me a while to figure it out. But it was your voice.” He admitted. “It has not left, not even for a second, since we rescued you.”

“…Even now?”

Till hid the tiny smile escaping the corner of his lips.

“No. not now.” He looked at him as he hugged his own knees and leaned his head over them.

After a couple seconds of silence, Till spoke again.

“…Why did you do it? That day, our round.”

“I told you already. I wanted to protect-“Till lifted his hand up so he stopped talking.

“That’s it.”

If he was not going to be honest with him, he really felt like they didn’t have anything else to speak about at that moment. He had just opened and been vulnerable with him and he was adamant to not tell him the actual truth. He was not buying that whole narrative of a hero he so much wanted to sell him.

He stood up, his legs trembling a little bit still. He then offered his hand out for Ivan to grab and help him up, which he did in complete silence.

“Let’s go. We’ll speak about this another time.”

Till said, the bright red and orange hue of the sky slowly disappearing over them like a cruel reminder that you just can’t cure such deep wounds of the past just with something so abstract like love. That truth was extremely clear for both of them that night.

You can’t live of love.