Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SDL / Falling / Background

“What?”

Yoongi is on a standstill, his fingers letting go of the keys, absentmindedly letting them float in the air.

“What did you say?” he whispers aloud, eyes fixed on the floor, concentrating, so that he can capture precisely every word that will leave Seokjin’s lips when he answers Yoongi’s question.

Seokjin flips the bottle of water in his hand before taking a sip. He then fixes his headphones, ready to give it one more go. “I said the songs were about you. I wrote those thinking of you,” he says, casually, as a matter of factly, as if it is not the revelation of the century in Yoongi’s world.

Music returns to the speakers. The members are rehearsing their own parts at different sides of the room, staining the walls with melodic clamor that unintentionally and unironically fits Yoongi’s position perfectly. The guide ticks, 1-2-3-4, and Seokjin’s beautiful voice fills Yoongi’s skull with a wave of yore he thought he had already successfully sealed away a long long time ago.

Because what, just what did he just hear—that that scornful soulmate yearning song was written about Yoongi?!

Seokjin finishes recording. He steps out of the booth proudly, laughing like a successful singer. He looks bigger than the whole sky. He thanks Yoongi in haste, then proceeds to annoy the other guys who have yet to finish recording.

Yoongi returns to his computer to layer Seokjin’s vocals on the master file. He listens to it again through the speakers. Everyone compliments Seokjin. Seokjin compliments Yoongi. Yoongi feels so proud and so so so confused he can barely sit still.

Jimin comes next. He stands next to Yoongi while fiddling with the lyrics sheet. He asks him for advice on how he should sing certain parts. Yoongi guides him then tells him he can sing however he wants to. After a heartbeat, he tells Jimin, “Seokjin hyung said he wrote his song about me.”

Jimin is unfazed, lips pursed and his focus is on the paper in his hand. “Hmm? Which one?”

He seems uninterested. Yoongi couldn’t care less. He is in a void at that point. “The one we always joke about being SDL’s ex boyfriend.”

Jimin snorts. “You think it’s a joke, hyung. No wonder you didn’t know it was about you.”

Yoongi visibly freezes this time, staring at Jimin, amused by the lack of empathy in his tone, like he’s not anymore surprised by the outcome of this bombshell. It’s almost comedic.

Jimin takes a breath and puts the paper down. He gives Yoongi a tired but honest look. Then he sighs. He seems concerned, but his blunt exhaustion outshines it. “Unfortunately, my new favorite song by hyung is also about you.” The sass is blinding.

Yoongi doesn’t get a chance to ask which song it is because Jimin steps into the booth shortly after.

The recordings proceed quickly, with not enough time to ponder about things. But Yoongi never misses the chance to mention to every member what he has just learned before they start singing, and every one of them hits him with a “You didn’t know?”

For fuck’s sake, if he knew! If he only knew!

Later he discovers that Jimin’s new favorite song of Seokjin’s is Background, and Yoongi cannot decide which is worse.

“Don’t worry, I’m over it,” Seokjin tells him with a snicker and a pat on the back when Yoongi asks if it’s true. “That was a long time ago, you can forget about it.”

For fuck’s sake. A long time ago? It hasn’t even been a year since Seokjin’s first album came out. His second album was released just last May. And he’s already over it?

Later that night, Yoongi stays up late to rummage through his old files, his old songs, the lyrics he scribbled on his iPad and Notes app from many many many years ago. He has so many scraps, so many drafts and beats and words left unsaid—all of them about Seokjin. All. Are.

~~~

Just One Day / Telepathy / Etc.

“What do you mean?” Seokjin goes. His voice is small but his eyes are big and bright, surprised to see Yoongi at the doorstep of his room so early in the morning, at the same time confused about why he is handing him his iPad and headphones on their day off.

He takes them anyway. He just woke up. He’s practically still in dreamland.

Yoongi looks like he hasn’t slept a wink overnight. “These songs,” he says, gesturing at the iPad in Seokjin’s hands; his eyes are sullen and sleepless, “are all written about you. I thought it’s only fair that I share them with you after you mentioned writing one about me. Or two. Anyway, you get the point.”

Seokjin stares at Yoongi, not because of a thought, but because he hasn’t seen him like this since, pfft, 2020? “Are you okay?” he asks, genuinely concerned. “You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit,” Yoongi confirms.

“You haven’t slept.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“The songs.” Yoongi points at the iPad. “I tried to organize them into decent folders. You’ll see when you check.”

Seokjin still stares at Yoongi, but this time with a thought bubbling in his mind. Though he can’t quite name it yet. “You haven’t slept because of this,” he clarifies.

“I haven’t slept because I can’t stop thinking about what you said.” Yoongi shrugs, darting eyes landing on Seokjin’s for a split second before he glances over his shoulder. “Just listen to them if you have the time. Well, I hope. It’s a free day anyway.”

Yoongi leaves after waving a tired hand. He retires to his room which is just adjacent to Seokjin’s, quite strategically located in an area where it’s the most quiet inside that huge house.

Seokjin stares at Yoongi’s door for a while, surprise and confusion melting into curiosity. He boots the iPad and sees a single folder on the home screen named Songs about Jin (by myg). He clicks on it and is met with another set of folders. Plenty of folders. Seemingly endless as Seokjin skims through them. The folders appear to be named after the title of the song—each one containing an mp3 file or a word file, or both.

Seokjin doesn’t know where to start, or how to even process the very fact that, what, Yoongi has written songs about him? Songs he made way way back in 2016 and 2014, as the file names say? And wait—wait—are those the Just One Day and Telepathy by BTS?!

By lunchtime, Seokjin has listened to a good amount of songs Yoongi wrote about him. They are beautiful, as expected of Min PD. Each one is unique. You can clearly feel the itch to explore and experiment different beats and styles in the music and lyrics. But it’s also quite obvious how all of them meddle on the singular theme of love, which is funny. So funny. Seokjin feels hysterical after the last song he listens to before he heads down to eat.

“He wrote me songs,” he tells Namjoon at the dining table while having lunch at 2pm.

Namjoon eats while fiddling with his phone, scrolling reels on Instagram. “Who’s he?” he blankly asks.

“Yoongi,” Seokjin blankly answers. He stuffs his mouth with meat and lettuce and stares ahead as he chews.

Namjoon doesn’t sound surprised. “He did.”

“Yeah. Lots of songs. Including our songs. Haruman is one of them. That sicko.”

“Yoongi-hyung’s gone rogue. I think he malfunctioned after you told him about your songs.”

“Did you know?” Seokjin turns to Namjoon, pointing his chopsticks at him. He squints his eyes, suspicious.

Namjoon doesn’t veer away from his Insta reels. “Just had a feeling. We never talk about these things. Well, he never tells me about these things.”

“And you didn’t think of telling me?”

“It’s not my story to tell.” An AI clip of hybrid animals then appears on Namjoon’s screen on his next scroll-down. He instantly closes the app and throws his phone away from his hands with a shriek. He huffs, turns to Seokjin and raises an eyebrow. “Hyung, I thought you said you’re over it.”

Seokjin feels his stomach churn from the acidity of this kimchi. Sharp taste at the back of his throat. “I am.”

He is. He is. He just can’t wrap his head around the many many songs Yoongi has written about him over the years. So many songs. So many words.

He needs a debrief session. Unfortunately, Yoongi is locked in his room the entire time, probably asleep because he had none last night. Because—what did he say—he couldn’t stop thinking about Seokjin writing songs about him. Can’t.

Seokjin tries to distract himself by watching TV and gaming with the boys, but he somehow always finds a way to talk about it, like he’s thinking out loud. Annoyingly, the members answer him as if they already knew this was coming.

“Yoongi wrote a lot of songs about me.”

“I got to listen to one once, still don’t understand why it never made it to our album.”

“Yoongi wrote a song about us fishing.”

“We told him to send that to you. That could have been your Super Tuna.”

“Apparently, Telepathy was about me.”

“We’ve been talking about it a lot when we were recording the song. Did you think we weren’t serious?”

Okay, in Seokjin’s defense, Yoongi never said a word. Not one. So Seokjin never thought it was a hundred percent true. It was an inside joke. There wasn’t any confirmation from Yoongi himself. Nothing. As it turns out, he had a lot to say.

He comes back to his room and listens to the rest of the songs. He fusses while reading the lyrics, annoyed by how the words fresh from 2015 are affecting him like a fever.

“Hyung, you said you’re over it,” Hoseok said to him earlier, echoing Namjoon’s words, and Jimin’s, and Taehyung’s, and Jungkook’s.

And he is.

He is. He is. He is. He—

~~~

Etc. / Heart on the Window / I Love You

Yoongi wakes up late Saturday night. He slept through the day so his mind is hazy. When he remembers the last image he saw before dozing off, his heart beats fast. Right. He gave Seokjin his entire portfolio of songs about him. Embarrassingly from when he was just 21 until he was 30.

He is now 32 and he thinks not much has changed—except Seokjin also wrote songs about him, devastatingly about longing for him and moving on from him.

Yoongi doesn’t know which one he regrets more: not telling Seokjin sooner, or telling him after learning that Seokjin had felt the same once upon a time.

Whatever. He’s got nothing left to lose. Whatever. He’s lived like this for 10+ years, what’s another 10, 15, 20 years, right?

The room is dark and the night is quiet. It’s already 11pm and his stomach is grumbling. He sits on the bed and stretches, yawns. He squints when he steps out of the room, the ceiling light momentarily blinding him. Then he stares at the door to his right, blanking out for a good minute, listening, sensing. His hand moves to reach for the knob, but then he stops himself and heads down to eat.

He sees nobody but Hoseok working at the common area. He asked him where the rest were; Hoseok gestured towards the pool area and up the stairs.

“There’s food in the kitchen, hyung,” he adds.

“Mm,” Yoongi responds.

He eats alone at the kitchen counter, chewing slowly, blinking the sleep away, mind empty. So he almost startles when his phone beeps from a notification. A KKT message.

It’s from Seokjin. It’s a Spotify link to a song and nothing else. The song is Linger by the Cranberries.

Yoongi visibly stops functioning. It takes him a moment. Then he goes to Naver to check the translated lyrics of this English song. He knows the song and the whole theme and vibe but he needs to understand why Seokjin would send this to him all of a sudden.

As he reads, he feels more and more breathless. I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger. Yoongi knows it's a stretch, but damn, he can try. He clears his throat and checks his saved songs. He already let Seokjin listen to everything he wrote about him, so he needs to send him something from somebody else.

Quickly.

There’s this song. There was this English song they both listened to back in the day. Yoongi doesn’t know where it’s coming from, but he feels that that’s the perfect song to send back.

When he finds it, he double checks the translation, and then he sends the Spotify link to Wonderwall by Oasis.

God, Yoongi realizes, his heart is beating fast, so fast for Seokjin. He presses a palm on his chest. It hasn’t been this intense before. After all this time, he thought this thing couldn’t grow any deeper.

His phone dings and his heart glows. It’s ridiculous.

Are you trying to impress me by sending a song by a british rock band?

Yoongi bites back his stupid grin. The bowl of kimchi rice is only half eaten in front of him.

Maybe
Do you know what it says?
The lyrics

I know that song by heart

Seokjin sends another song link—Fade Into You by Mazzy Star.

Yoongi searches up the lyrics’ translation, reads along the flow of the song playing on his phone. A light comes on slowly. A heart without a home. Fade into you. Strange you never knew.

I know now, he sends.

Seokjin replies, Great songs were released in the year you were born.

I think its fate

Well then
Beautiful ballads were released in the year you were born hyung
Just like you

A noise sounds from the next room. Yoongi hears Hoseok curse loudly before music comes out of the speakers. It plays a hiphop beat, a song they were working on the other day. The spoon clatters in Yoongi’s bowl of kimchi fried rice when he accidentally nudges it with his elbow. He fixes it quickly; his fingers are a bit frantic. It must be the drums inside his chest. He is certain that the bass beats are not coming from Hoseok’s speakers because he can feel them booming right under his skin.

His phone dings. A message from Seokjin. Another song link: 잘 부탁드림니다 by EX.

Yoongi clutches his phone between his hands, delight bursting out of him like a firework. He is smiling dumbly wide now. Biting his lower lip doesn’t really do much to hide it.

He then sends You&I by Kim Jong Wan of NELL.

Seokjin sends back SoulMate by ZICO and IU.

Yoongi sends Blueming by IU.

Seokjin sends Would U by Red Velvet.

I would, Yoongi replies.

Seokjin doesn’t text back a word. But it takes him a few heartbeats, long enough for Yoongi to miss him. 

Yoongi gobbles the rest of his food while waiting, quickly washing the dishes right after. When his phone chimes, he squanders getting the gloves off and wiping his hands.

Fresh on the thread is another link. Yoongi’s heart jumps when he sees it: Heart on the Window by Jin feat. Wendy.

Hyung

Yoongi
This is also about you

Hyung

And for you

Why didnt you tell me?

If you listened to the other song you’d know why

You were shy

Why didnt YOU tell me??

I couldn’t

Why

I was a coward
And you’re perfect

But now you brazenly share the billion songs you wrote about me
And you send me love songs
Why

Bcos im not a coward anymore

Took you ten long years
Took you me telling you I wrote songs about you
Before you grow out of your cowardice

Right, call me out
I deserve it

Those were long years too
And I
I was just the same as you

Hyung

Hyung

Can we give it another try? Yoongi wants to ask, along with, Would you give me another chance? Yoongi gears to run up the stairs and knock on Seokjin’s door to tell him in person. Do it right. Because it’s been ten years. Because maybe now is the right time. He holds his scars at the forefront of his being but Yoongi is a better man now; he can take care of Seokjin even through the awful and distasteful. Will.

Yoongi waits for a reply, eagerly gaping at his phone and ready to transport himself to the second floor any time.

A minute passes.

Yoongi gives it one last push. He scrolls down his saved songs on Melon and copies the link to 난 너를 사랑해 by Mate, a song he has been dedicating to Seokjin since he was 22, the song Seokjin covered and sent Yoongi to different dreamlike dimensions, the lone song that always plays in his head whenever it was just the two of them, alone in their room, in the car, on the boat, sitting close to each other but never too close, crumbs on Seokjin’s lips, sunlight on his skin, flicker in his eyes, Yoongi’s hands craving to touch and his heart beating fast.

No matter how much I push you away
It burns my heart
I love you
I love you

He sends it to Seokjin. He allows a grace period of a few breaths, nails tapping impatiently on the marble counter.

A few more seconds. He hears Namjoon’s voice from the other room, talking to Hoseok. Then Jimin’s voice sounds from the same area, filling the first floor with giggles. Yoongi becomes a bit distracted. He almost misses it when Seokjin replies.

Yoongiya
I lied
Im not over it

Im not over you

And just like that, Yoongi dashes out of the kitchen and into the hallway. He sprints up the stairs, past the corner where Taehyung’s room is, past the sound of Jungkook’s singing voice, towards the end of the corridor and into a larger clearing in front of his room. There, on the left, is another door. Yoongi slows down and takes deep breaths as he approaches it. He tries to lower his heart rate but he can’t. He leaves it like that, thumping loud and crazy, bulging out of his shirt, wearing it on his sleeve.

He stops in front of the door. He takes a deep breath. Then slowly, he lifts his fist up, aiming to knock. But before his knuckles could land on on the wood, the door bursts open, revealing Kim Seokjin. Seokjin's expression immediately transforms into shock upon seeing Yoongi there. Instantly flushed.

They stare at each other, absorbing, figuring, considering. The gap between them feels intense and calm at the same time, like they could burn if they step too close, but the fire on their skin would feel right, so right it’d be as if it’s the only thing to live for.

“Why are you panting?” Seokjin asks first.

Yoongi realizes that he is, in fact. “I ran,” he answers. “I was downstairs.”

“You ran,” Seokjin echoes. “I thought you were in your room.”

“You were on your way out?” Yoongi checks.

Seokjin nods. “I was gonna come to you.”

Ah. Yoongi breathes out. He can now feel the sweat on his forehead and his palms now that his heart calms. Seokjin was gonna come to him—there’s relief, and joy, and a newfound longing blazing in the center of his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Yoongi starts, “for not telling you sooner. I know it’s stupid and probably a little weird but I won’t hide it anymore, hyung.”

Seokjin listens; his eyes are sparkling like marbles underwater. “That sounds like a threat.”

Yoongi takes a daring step forward. “Maybe this is the right place and the right time.”

Seokjin lets him. “Are you quoting my lyrics?”

“I’m revising it.” Yoongi looks at Seokjin. He looks straight into his eyes this time, and Seokjin looks back despite the red glowing wild on his cheeks and neck. Braving years of fear and pretending.

“I’m so down for you, hyung,” Yoongi goes. “You’re like the melody to my songs that I’m terrified of losing. You’re the one thing I can’t let go, and I just don’t know who I’d be if I stopped loving you.”

Yoongi felt breathless after he spoke. Baring his soul through music is so much easier, but it had to be done. He waits. He watches the way Seokjin’s eyes subtly grow wide, the pigment on his skin darken, his breath hitching in his throat. He waits—until Seokjin blinks and breathes.

“Ah, Yoongi.” Seokjin looks down, hiding his blush and a little shy smile. “I’m so bad at this.” He nibbles at his lower lip.

Yoongi tries to keep still. “You’re not the only one.” Seokjin looks back up as if to ask how. “I’m so nervous I’m shaking,” Yoongi says, opening his palms for Seokjin to see what he means. He is shaking, deliriously so.

Seokjin mimics the action. His hands jitter along. His crooked fingers are frenzied. They stand there face to face while staring at each other’s hands, and then they laugh, shaky, but nonetheless raw and full and whole.

And then, Seokjin carefully slots his hands into Yoongi’s. A bit hesitant. But Yoongi takes them with all his might and gentleness, holding them tenderly, pad of his thumbs brushing Seokjin’s knuckles in a comforting caress. He’s a bit embarrassed by his sweaty palms, but Seokjin doesn’t seem to mind.

“Aren’t we too old for this?” Seokjin jokes, giggles bubbling in his throat.

“They say it’s never too late for the elderly to find love.” Yoongi indulges, then adds, “This old heart is all yours.”

“Will you take care of mine?” Seokjin asks earnestly. His ears are bright red. His eyes are full of wonder. “It’s wrinkled and a bit grey. Its knees are weak and its back hurts a lot. It may require urgent care all the time.”

Yoongi smiles, dumb and stupid and wide. “You could say that I’m an expert in the field. I took care of the elderly during social service work, you know.”

Seokjin rolls his eyes.

Yoongi takes another brave step forward. “If you’ll let me…” he answers sincerely. “I’ll keep it safe until my arms give out.”

A flame is gleaming in the space between them, iridescent and friendly. It glows in sync with the beat of their hearts, growing and engulfing, warm and snug.

The sparkles in Seokjin’s eyes are like stars in the clear night sky. They glimmer as he blinks, corners twinkling as he smiles, handsome and easy and a sight to behold.

Yoongi’s heart swells at the view. This feels right, yet like nothing he’s ever felt before. It’s like he’s flying but his feet are planted firmly on the ground, standing in front of the great big moon, basking in his light.

“Well, then,” Seokjin says.

“Well, then,” Yoongi replies.

Seokjin shakes his head, in complete disbelief and awe. The look on his face is nothing short of sweet relief. "What now?"

Yoongi wants to keep writing songs about him forever. "I have a few suggestions but I'll match your pace for now."

"For now, huh?"

"Yeah, you've heard too much from me in a single day, I wouldn't want you to get tired of me that easily."

Seokjin laughs, squeaky and cheerful; music to Yoongi's ears.

“Well, then, there’s a plethora of unreleased love songs saved in the iPad on my desk. I listened to all and they are very good. I’d love to discuss them with the composer and tell him my thoughts.” Seokjin retrieves his hands and steps aside. He smiles at Yoongi and holds the door open for him, beckoning. Then in a shy whisper, he adds, “It’s easier for me to express through music, PD-nim, so if it’s okay with you, I’d like to work on a song tonight. With you.”

Yoongi doesn’t hesitate. He briskly nods. Yes. And lets himself in. Gladly.