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Published:
2021-06-17
Completed:
2021-10-18
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35,911
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10/10
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Finding Home in You

Summary:

Lan Xichen sat still in shock. He had thought works and responsibilities kept Lan Wangji away from being with him in his darkest time. Never in his wildest imagination that Lan Wangji had decided to be away *with* Wei Wuxian; and away *from* him, his own grieving brother. Lan Xichen was grieving in his seclusion and Lan Wangji had chosen to elope with Wei Wuxian rather than supporting him.

-Oh-

Was that how much he worth in his younger brother's eyes?

Lan Xichen had spent his whole life raising Lan Wangji and his brother couldn't spare even the briefest time for him.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: "Go Home, Hanguang-Jun"

Chapter Text

“I would give up everything if it meant having my sister alive.”

A voice speaking from him back had Lan Wangji halted his steps in surprise. Of all the people he thought would initiate talking to him, Jiang Wanyin had never been in that list. Their twenty years of history were filled with bitter pettiness and unresolved hatred over one man. Now that Lan Wangji was finally on the road with the said man, he had never thought he would ever need to see Jiang Wanyin ever again.

He was wrong.

Even so, Lan Wangji still turned around to face him.

Stood in front of him was Sandu Shengshou with his sharp cheekbones and dark-rimmed eyes; from sleepless night, Lan Wangji hoped, because Jiang Wanyin deserved all the nightmares, after what he had done to his former shixiong. Despite the thinner frame and pale face, Jiang Wanyin’s chin was still tilted slightly high, still so arrogant.

It sparked an old-age irritation within Lan Wangji. Keeping his face emotionless, he stared at Jiang Wanyin, unwilling to say anything in return. After all, it was Jiang Wanyin who approached him first; Lan Wangji didn't owe this man any word or any courtesy.

When Jiang Wanyin saw Lan Wangji had nothing to say to him, his jaw visibly rippled in his effort to rein his temper in. But he was here for a reason- for a mission. He couldn’t afford to let his temper get the better of him. Taking a deep breath, Jiang Wanyin tried again - in a milder tone. "I heard Zewu-Jun went into seclusion."

Lan Wangji raised an eyebrow because since when it was any of his business? But he still replied a short, uninterested, "Mn."

"How is he?" Jiang Wanyin asked.

"Shufu said he's doing fine," Lan Wangji answered emotionlessly.

Jiang Wanyin looked as if he wanted to strike Lan Wangji with Zidian but he clenched his hands into tight fists as he held himself back. Taking again another deep breath, he spoke with the calm he didn’t feel. "Lan-shifu told you? You mean you haven't been back to Cloud Recesses to see him?"

Lan Wangji glared at the interrogation but the answer was obvious.

And something in Jiang Wanyin snapped.

"Lan Wangji! It's been almost a month!" Jiang Wanyin snapped; all façade of calmness was gone. "A month since he had found out about the ultimate betrayal of his sworn brother!"

A month since the cultivation world had changed from the revelation that the highly revered Lianfang-zun was responsible for the death of many high-ranking cultivators, including his own father Jin Guangshao. That night changed everybody who was involved, but most evidently Zewu-Jun, who had not only discovered his own sworn brother had murdered his other sworn brother, but he was also manipulated by Jin Guangyao to assist him in murdering Chifeng-zun. Jin Guangyao had used Zewu-Jun’s kindness for his own gain.

Anybody who was in Zewu-Jun’s shoes would have crumbled by the weight of the revelation. To have one’s world revealed as nothing but lies and heartaches. Apparently, Zewu-Jun did crumble because he had decided to enter into seclusion. Jiang Wanyin didn’t fault him for his decision for he had been once where Zewu-Jun was; only in his situation, Jiang Wanyin had no one to rely on to and he hadn’t had the means to seclude himself. However, it was the fact that Lan Wangji hadn't visited Zewu-Jun at all since that night was the one that mind-boggled Jiang Wanyin the most.

Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes at the accusation.

Jiang Wanyin ignored the anger rolling out from Lan Wangji as he pressed on. "And you told me that you haven't been back to Cloud Recesses since that night? At all? What have you been doing all this time? How could you leave him all alone in his grief? He's your brother!"

Something stubborn within Lan Wangji triggered violently. "I don't need you, of all people, to tell me that," Lan Wangji hissed. Didn’t Jiang Wanyin forget about Wei Ying? About how he had betrayed Wei Ying, left him all alone without support that ultimately had led to his demise. How dare he thought to lecture him about Lan Xichen?

"I'm the only one who has any right to call you out!" Jiang Wanyin spat out. "I have lost every one of my family! And I would have given up anything if I could have my family back – my sister back! But you! You still have your brother and he needs you! But instead, you walk away from him."

Lan Wangji raised his eyebrows in quiet contempt. "Funny for you to say that, Sandu Shengshou, since Wei Ying is still alive and all. And you haven't been trying to see him at all since that night either."

Jiang Wanyin tried so hard to hide his flinch but he didn't think he was succeeding. He swallowed the frothing grief and rage because he didn’t come to Lan Wangji to argue about his crumbling brotherhood with Wei Wuxian. "This is not about me and Wei Wuxian. This is about you not visiting Zewu-Jun at the time when he needed his family support the most."

Lan Wangji scoffed derisively. "If you couldn't go to Wei Ying because of your guilt, then don't go around preaching about me," he snarled before turning around to leave.

For one furious moment, Jiang Wanyin wanted nothing more than to leave as well because heavens know how much he loathed being around the insufferable, righteous Hanguang-Jun.

But he knew he couldn't.

Tried as he might to forget, Jiang Wanyin still remembered that cursed night. He remembered the paleness of Lan Xichen's face and trembling of his limbs as if the man couldn't feel the solid earth under his feet. It was as if everything he had ever believed in was taken away in a vicious yank. If Jiang Wanyin could, he would have gone to Lan Xichen to support him. But he couldn’t because he, too, felt the same way as Lan Xichen.

Untethered and unhinged.

Both of them were blindsided by lies that were so great that it left them stunned frozen.

Just as how the revelation of Lianfang-zun’s deeds came to render Zewu-Jun on his knees, the revelation of how the core wasn’t his had stolen any remaining peace of mind he had built over the years. Now, the core within him felt like an infected creature, spouting poison along his meridian lines. He felt like an impostor in his own body and none of his achievements suddenly mattered anymore.

It took everything in him not to take Sandu and gouged the core out right there.

After that night, he retreated to Lotus Pier, where he spent a month meditating his chaotic minds and suppressing his frothing rage. If he were to have any chance to avoid encountering qi-deviation, he would need to try to swallow everything down just like he did years ago.

He would have remained secluded in Lotus Pier too until one day, he heard two unexpected news brought by one of his disciples who had just gotten back from Gusu Lan Sect: one, Zewu-Jun had secluded himself for an indefinite time and two, Hanguang-Jun hadn’t been back to Cloud Recesses since the night at Guanyin Temple.

The news enraged him.

See, from the very first moment Jiang Wanyin had met Zewu-Jun, he had always admired him. The years he spent, sharing the same platform of sect leaders with Zewu-Jun, had turned the admiration into liking him. In his world of red-tinge fury and black-muted grief, Zewu-Jun was slowly becoming one of the few sources of light that made it somehow bearable. Jiang Wanyin took comfort in his kind smiles, his occasional warm touches of concern on his shoulders and arms, and also, his steady, unfaltering presence in every gathering they had crossed path. Each of Zewu-Jun’s gesture of friendship had never failed to make Jiang Wanyin's damaged heart fluttered into life.

It took years for him to admit that he loved Zewu-Jun; that he felt more than just a simple camaraderie for the man.

Jiang Wanyin loved Zewu-Jun in his own usual quiet and unassuming way. He loved Zewu-Jun with no expectation to be reciprocated, content to love from afar because he had learned from his father that he would always love more than he was being loved. His childhood of chasing the illusive love of a father had taught Jiang Wanyin to stop expecting reciprocation in his love. No matter how hard he tried to please him and no matter what his achievements were, Jiang Fengmian simply couldn’t love his son.

Not as much as he had loved his ward.

It took almost twenty years of rejection but Jiang Wanyin finally understood that he simply wasn’t meant to be loved. Even his love for A-Jie wasn’t enough for her because she was willing to die for Wei Wuxian and leave Jiang Wanyin and Jin Ling alone.

He was defective and unlovable but he also had his own pride. Knowing how noble and kind Zewu-Jun was, Jiang Wanyin also refused to be pitied. After all, he was used at one-sided affection, so he was okay with all of this.

The news of Zewu-Jun’s seclusion pulled him out momentarily from his haze of fury and grief. Jiang Wanyin knew first-hand the danger of grieving alone for he had been doing it himself for years. It was the last thing he wanted for the kind Zewu-Jun.

But still, he hadn't wanted to barge into Zewu-Jun seclusion.

So when he heard Hanguang-Jun was spotted alone in the northern area of Yunmeng, he swallowed his pride (his love would always outweigh his pride) and quickly flew to meet the Stonewall of Gusu Lan Sect.

He came with a mission to make Hanguang-Jun go home and be at Zewu-Jun’s side because he knew, if he were Zewu-Jun, he would want to have the people he loved around him. Thus, as much as he wanted to leave this conversation, his heart urged his feet to stay and tried one more time.

"Wei Wuxian and I had fallen out even before his first demise," Jiang Wanyin said curtly.

Lan Wangji halted in his steps.

"Our bitter and complicated relationship spans for almost twenty years. There were lies upon lies that nothing could be said to unravel all of it. Past affection and life-long gratitude are so intermingled that I couldn't set them apart. So when Wei Wuxian told me to leave everything behind that night; to leave the past in the past, without wanting to deal with the fallout of our brotherhood, it set in the last nail of our brotherhood's coffin." Jiang Wanyin's face was a mixture of pure anger and resignation. He was so tired of it all. "Hanguang-Jun, I have done my share of running towards Wei Wuxian; whether in his past life or in his current life. The message I received is loud and clear. I couldn't go to him. Not anymore. Because he doesn’t want to."

Jiang Wanyin raised his eyes to look straight into Lan Wangji’s. "But you, Hanguang-Jun, yours is different. For the last twenty years, Zewu-Jun have supported you. He took care of you when you were too injured from the elders' punishment. He visited you in your seclusion. He took care of your ward when you were unable to do so. He also took care of the sect just so you could be where the chaos is."

"Whereas my relationship with Wei Wuxian is riddled with lies and betrayal, your relationship with Zewu-Jun is not. He loves you so unconditionally. How could you not go to him like he went to you all your life?" Jiang Wanyin was truly baffled. He couldn't imagine leaving any of his family alone.

At Jiang Wanyin’s words, guilt writhed within Lan Wangji. For one whole month, he was so drunk with the new life with Wei Ying that the thought of his brother's predicament barely registered in his mind. Once shufu sent a message telling him Lan Xichen was fine in seclusion, he just nodded his head and resubmerged himself in the happiness.

Had he ever thought of sending a letter to his brother? Had he ever thought of trying to understand what his brother was going through? As much as he hated it, Jiang Wanyin made a good point. He should have spent a bit of time to go back home and visit Lan Xichen. It was a logical and rational thing to do.

But why did it have to be the man that he hated the most to make him see?

Irrational anger flooded through him and the words flew out of his mouth without thinking. As usual, Lan Wangji picked the most vulnerable part of his opponent to stab him the deepest. There was one thing he knew about Jiang Wanyin that he was sure no one did.

"Don't try to fool me.” Lan Wangji sneered with low and cold tone. “You may think you are doing this for the sake of righteousness but I know about your feelings for my brother. Do you think I didn't notice the way you’ve been looking at him all these years? Do you think you were being discreet in your infatuation?"

The sudden verbal attack on his one of deepest secrets caused blood to instantly drain from Jiang Wanyin’s face as he took a jerky step backwards in shock. His usual sharp almond eyes widened and his breaths ceased as fear consumed him. How the hell Hanguang-Jun knew?

Lan Wangji watched Jiang Wanyin’s face whiten with an intense feeling of satisfaction. "So, it’s true then? You did harbour feelings for my brother?" He, then, unsheathed Bichen to mount it. With last glare, he said cruelly, "Wallow in your pining, Sandu Shengshou. My brother would never look twice to someone as harsh and cruel as you; perhaps not even once." His lips curled slightly in self-vindication over Jiang Wanyin’s accusation of him being a selfish brother.

Speechless, Jiang Wanyin watched the man fly away. His head felt dizzy, the air stuck in his throat and his heart was hurting like shards of glass were impaled on it. When he touched his chest, he was visibly shocked to find it devoid of any physical blood.

How could it be? The hurt was visceral.

One-sided love was the recurring theme in his life but he was still holding on to it; still stupidly allowing his heart to fall in love.

He never learn anything, did he?