Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

                                                  ∆

                                             ∆

                                 Little did I know

                                You would be the one

                                I confide in,

                              Learn how to try with 

                              Little did I know.

                                            ∆

Bellamy takes a satisfying breath as he unties his apron placing it on the kitchen island. Cooking has always been therapeutic for him. Seeing as he had to do it he thought he'd hate it but after a long and weird day he loves getting lost in the recipes no matter how basic they are.

Today was the last day of school and he has been more than ready to start his summer break. He, however, did not expect his last day to be a run in with the school princess because some asshole whispered his name as the culprit who dented her sparkling blue Jeep. He wasn’t.

He worked hard these past couple of months, harder than most times and that's saying something for Bellamy. He took extra shifts at Sinclair's garage, he made sure to make all the events where he was hired as a photographer so no, he wasn't going to waste his hard earned money to fix up the princess's car when she can afford it herself.

Besides, that money is going to some of the bills that are piled on the table, he's mom can't afford to do everything herself on a nurse's salary. And a small part of it is for his summer break. Gina's band is playing around a few cities and Bellamy has been hired to take their social media photos. 

Bellamy has had an eye for photography since the first time he's dad brought home a vintage Canon. Plus, him and Gina have been fucking for about a month now so this summer is looking up for Bellamy.

"So is the blond your girlfriend now?" Octavia's nosy voice echoes through the kitchen as she peeps through the small opening between the living room and the kitchen.

"The blond?" He asks, genuinely confused as he packs the Tupperware that's filled with food that he just prepared in his backpack, not looking over at his little sister.

She sighs he can hear her footsteps descending into the kitchen as he carefully places everything so the food won't spill over in his bag. 

"The one you were talking to in the school parking lot today" she reminds with annoyance in her voice. Octavia knows who Clarke Griffin is, so he doesn’t get why she just can’t come right and say her name.

Bellamy scoffs. Girlfriend? The princess? No fucking way. And they weren't talking. She was yelling at him as he stood there with a smirk on his lips which infuriated her more. He loved it, she's cute when she's mad.

Nope. Don't think about her as cute Bellamy, he facepalms mentally.

It was a misunderstanding, one of many that Bellamy has to face every damn day at that stupid school that he can't wait to leave behind in a few months.

He looks up from his backpack, finally, and is met with a curious stare. "Who?" He decides to play dumb.

She rolls her eyes, and he bites back a laugh at how annoyed his little sister is getting. "Cheerleader captain? Class president, prom queen two years in a row…."

He cuts her off before she lists every goddamn thing, “So you know who she is” he chuckles “could’ve just said her name O, and no she’s not my girlfriend. Some asshole said I scratched her car…I didn't, that was us arguing in the lot," he picks up a can of coke, shoving it in his bag. "So no, I'm not dating her…I would never," he says with much more emphasis than needed. Because he simply could never date her. Fucking? That's a different conversation.

Her ocean eyes staring up at him or down depending on the position, her pink lips around his…. stop it Bellamy . He mentally slaps himself.

"You've dated rich girls before," Octavia recalls with a roll of her eyes.

He laughs, "date isn't the word I'd use." He raises a quirked knowing brow at her.

"Eww gross," Octavia says, throwing a piece of baby carrot at him.

"I didn't even say anything,'' he laughs throwing his hands up feigning innocence.

“Whatever, she would never go for you anyways” she says with a scoff that’s matter of fact, as she takes a bite of a carrot staring at him with a shrug.

Out of curiosity he asks “Why not?” he lens into the counter, elbows on the counter, fingers clasped as he waits for her answer, she smirks, that god annoying Blake smirk that they born inherited creeps on her lips “Well…” she starts and he is already rolling his eyes at what’s bout to come “Big brother you have all this austere persona going on. She’s the sun, she’s warm and inviting even though you can’t get too close. People love and want to be her. You are the opposite of that, on the outside atleast. You reserve your warm side to me and mom. Miller and Raven too the rest of the world can fuck off right?”

His jaw tightens he doesn’t even know why these words are getting to him, she sighs then continues “You aren’t rich, which means you can’t buy her he type of gifts she deserves and even if money wasn’t a big deal she is the type of girl you show off, that you kiss in the middle of the street, and in the hall ways. That you publicly hold hands with and post on you Instagram and you…big brother have never done that with any girl”

“Are you done” he asks swallowing his annoyance.

She waves him off “You are a great guy, seriously you annoyingly have a good heart but you never let anyone in. I was only asking if you were dating Clarke to mess with you, I know you’re hooking up with that band girl Gina…it’s been what? a Month? And now you’re going on be on tour with her have you even gone on a date with her”

“We’re not looking for anything serious” he rubs a hands on his face “Both of us” he glances over his sister who is staring at him with a skeptical gaze.

She shrugs “Fine” Silence, and then her gaze drops to the bag on the counter. "You're such a kiss ass," Octavia laughs, and he rolls his eyes at his little sister's comments. He reaches over sliding the bag towards him, he zips his back glancing over at her always mischievous face again. "I prepared food for our mom...how is that me kissing ass?" He says, biting back a laugh because he knows exactly what she's talking about.

"You don't have to go through all this trouble…It's not like she would ever say no to you," she rolls her eyes, sliding herself off the stool and heading over to the living room. Bellamy picks up the bag, following his sister.

"I'm sensing some jealousy over here," he chuckles, roughing up her dark hair with purple highlights playfully as he passes.

"I'm not jealous," she huffs. Clearly lying. 

Bellamy sinks on the couch next to her, "fine, I am being extra nice and helpful because I want to have a free summer. She already knows I’m leaving; I just don’t want her to change her mind"

She scoffs, "I knew it, but like I said…It's not like she would say no to you."

"She's said no to me plenty of times," he reminds, Octavia doesn't say anything as she focuses on the TV. It's true, Aurora always has a hard time saying no to Bellamy—but that's because Bellamy barely asks for anything. He contributes to the chores and bills, but it's rare for him to ask for anything ever.

"The neighbor is the murderer" Octavia says, sure of herself as her eyes stay glued to the TV. One of those crime shows she loves so much.

Bellamy squeezes her hand. He knows she isn't actually mad or jealous, she's just annoyed that she isn't a grown up and their mother reminds her every time. "Miller should be here any minutes. He is going to be mad you started the episode without him."

"Oh, he already watched this one, we're starting the next one together."

"Okay," Bellamy stands, picking up his bag. "I have to get this to Mom before her next shift. And I'm meeting Gina after"

"I don't need a babysitter, I can take care of myself…I'm not a baby you know" she reminds him.

"Miller isn't a babysitter…not really anyways." He chuckles walking out the door.

                                   ****

Clarke closes the huge doors behind her as she steps into the foyer, her Chanel heels echo around the sterilized mansion until she comes to a stop in the middle of the family room. Her eyes sweep around the lifeless space, and she doesn't think much of it that she's alone.

Of course. 

Clarke's house has never really felt or looked like a home. It's almost like Abby copied and pasted one of those white only furniture shoots from architectural digest. It's almost all white, just a splash of dark colour here and there. It's always been so…Impersonal.

She strides to the kitchen and as she steps into the empty kitchen, hating herself that after all these years she feels a chill of disappointment coursing through her that her parents aren't home making dinner, or curled up on the couch watching TV so she can join them and they can chat about their day.

For example, in her fantasy she would pour herself a glass of apple juice, plop up the stool and chat about her day while her dad makes dinner and her mom shops for some veggies or something. She remembers, faintly, her dad making dinner while her mom relaxes with a glass of wine as she helps cut the veggies. She was never much of a cook herself.

If they were here she would tell them about this annoyingly beautiful guy she never really talks to dented her Jeep and he smirked and swore it wasn't him. She would leave out the part about how even though he was driving her up the wall she couldn't help but marvel at the poetry of his face. 

She's known Bellamy for years, but only from a distance. But standing under the sun with him, the freckles dotted on his tanned skin sparked under the natural light, the deep lines on the corner of his lips when he smirked, his dark full volume curls and the Romanesque shape of his boy… she couldn't help but stare.

They come from two different worlds, she knows this. That is why all these years they never really became friends or even friendly. She knew he hated the rich and spoiled, at least she assumes he did.

She draws in a breath, scolding herself for even thinking about him still. She went shopping after school was officially over so she can forget about her momentary weakness of her body wanting to be devoured by that brooding rebel.

Her mind comes back to her disappointing reality.

Her dad dad's barely in the picture but most people don't know that, and Abby is somewhere at Acadia general hospital buried in work like she has always done.

These past couple of months it's been worse. It's like living with a ghost ever since Jake asked for a divorce, Clarke has barely seen her mom and if she does see her then she's strung out on wine and pills, but of course she won't get help so Clarke has to watch as her mother withers away and belittles her every chance she gets.

For Abby the outward perception people have of her and her family has always been important. That is why she won't acknowledge Jake's absences or admit that her drinking and pills are actually a problem, and not just taking the edge off after a long day. She lies that Jake is actually working out of the country and not that he is shacked up with a girl that’s close to Clarke’s age than Abby’s.

And It's why she makes sure Clarke always looks photoshoot ready and sometimes reminds her to watch what she eats which makes Clarke feel shittier than she lets on.

Clarke barely remembers when her family was actually a family, and as of now she's used to it and has managed to fill her time and the ache in her chest with other things and people.

She releases a tired sigh with both hands filled with Prada shopping bags and she heads upstairs to her room. The only place other than her art studio with actual characters.

Clarke is determined to make this a great summer, after all it's her last one before she heads to college. She pats herself on the back for ending it with Ryker, even though she got the impression that even though his ego was a little bruised, he liked that they broke up so he can fuck around all summer and well, that's the reason she ended it with him in the first place.

Ryker never quite felt real to her that is why she isn't sobbing about the breakup. He felt like how most of the things in Clarke's life feel…. Obligational. He is the school's prince and her being the school princess she felt obligated to be with him. Not that she minds it all that much—he's cute, a decent lay and he runs in the same circles as her so they have fun.

She sinks onto her bed, placing her bags on the bed as she slips out her phone from her purse. Fuck. It's dead. She plugs it to her charger, picking up her bags and heading to her walk-in closet. 

She adds her new bag and shoes to her already growing collection. Her hand slowly trails against the rich fabrics of her bags and shoes as she walks around her closet slowly until she reaches one of her full length mirrors.

She studies herself for a second twirling a little admiring the green sundress she's in that she just bought yesterday. Clarke shoves the loneliness down and focuses on how good she looks, it's gonna be a memorable summer she promises herself.

Her phone must be on because all of a sudden her space is filled with hundreds of notifications coming through. She rushes to her bedside, news must be out that her and Ryker are done and everyone's talking and tagging her. When she checks her phone, she wishes it was something so mundane people were talking about.

Cold horror soaks into her as her limbs go heavy with fear and sadness as she reads the text from her housekeeper about what happened to her mother. She picks her purse from the bed and runs out.

                             *****

Getting to the hospital was a blur for Clarke, as she ran through the hospital doors though, she tried to keep her mind levelheaded. She's good at that.

Doctor Sidney informed her that her mom was awake and that it was an accidental drug overdose paired with the wine, she suffered a minor heart attack but of course to everyone else it's just a heart attack and they are covering up the drug use part. They have been doing that for her since forever.

Clarke tried to be composed, but she's not like her mom, she can't just turn off something so emotionally draining. This is a nightmare, and she is about ready to wake the fuck up.

She rushes to the bathroom trying and failing to take steady breaths. It's like the air can't reach her lungs, while her heart lurches so hard at her chest she fears it might burst right out and fall to the ground. 

She shakily dials her dad's number as she continues to try even her breathing. After a few seconds her dad answers. 

"Hello." 

"Hello…dad," Clarke sniffs staring at herself in the mirror, eyes pink, face crimson lips trembling. "Didn't you get my messages…?" She takes a long breath then releases.

"Sweetheart I…" her dad stops on the other side of the line.

"They've been trying to call you…. I have been trying to call you. Tell me you're on your way."

Silence.

"Dad."

"I can't…"

"What do you mean you can't…" She swallows, tears trailing down her face, "were there no flights?"

Silence again. She hears him release painful sigh, and she doesn't like that. She knows this sigh all too well. "I just can't be there. I can't do this again," he says quickly like he was just trying to rip off the Band-Aid of bad news.

"Mom almost died," her voice low and pained.

He sighs, "it's not the first time she's done this…you know that right?"

Silence stretches longer this time around. Clarke feels herself going cold. She can't believe this night. Even if Abby had done this before he should still be here. He should want to be here.

Clarke has known for a while that her mom has had a problem with painkillers, but she never really thought it was that big of a problem until one night when she was choking, and Jake had to revive her under the shower. 

She expected Abby to quit but of course she never did; she just hid it well. Clarke had asked her why she took those pills once and she was met with an eye roll and the usual. "One day you'll understand the struggles of life," Abby promised with the usual condescension.

But even with that Jake should still want to be here. Is this what grown up relationships were like, you marry someone and become so cold towards them just like that?

She draws in a lengthy breath, watching as her features harden in the mirror. "It doesn't matter; you should still be here. You should want to be here" she scolds through gritted teeth.

"She's alive, there’s not much I can do for her."

"What about me…" Clarke cries, her heart cracking against her ribs and she hates herself for it. "I need you, dad." she feels the pain that was soaking up her chest seep through the rest of her body as she continues to get her breathing back to normal, she’s had a few panic attack in private but nothing like this “Dad, please” she tries again.

Silence, and then "if I come there…it will be hard to leave. I'm sorry Clarke… just because I’m not there doesn’t mean I’m not here for you. I'll check in. I promise," he says, a few seconds later the line goes dead and Clarke sobs while trying to catch her breath.

Clarke looks up from the sink back to the mirror and she nearly screams when she's met with Bellamy staring back at her through the mirror.

She swings her body so fast that she nearly gets whiplash, "what the hell are you doing here?" She snaps, dabbing her eyes with the fingers trying to swallow back all the pain and anger nearly spilling out of her pores.

Worry lines his face as he stares at her with so much compassion it makes her want to liquidate right in here.

He glances away, almost like he doesn't want her to see the worry on his face. His gaze flickers back at her and his expression is nonchalant, but his eyes still have that spark of worry. "Are you okay?" he asks indistinctly; his voice gravel it trembles right through her.

"I'm fine," she says, trying to keep her voice light while ignoring the tightness in her chest.

He lets out a soft scoff, "I know you're not actually okay but…you know, that's what you're supposed to ask," he shrugs.

Her eyes search his, she doesn't understand why he'd even care or pretend to care. She was one hundred percent sure he hated her, or at least hated people like her. His best friend was Raven for goodness sake. Maybe it's all the overwhelming emotions that are making her hazy, but the worry lining his face and the softness in his eyes seem so genuine that they make her want to disarm.

It's not that she never paid that much attention to Bellamy, but he is hard to not notice so of course she notices him. In fact they have kind of been at the same school since they were kids.

His ruthless dark curls are tousled on his head, a little messy, worry still creasing on his annoyingly beautiful face and he is in his usual black shirt, jeans and black boots and dark blue jacket. 

She is having the worst night and it's worse because even with all that going on her mind can't help but register the art that is Bellamy Blake. She scoffs inwardly at herself while still wrestling with her struggling breath.

She sighs again waiting for an answer that doesn't come, he just stares. Searching for something in her eyes with a look that's between confusion and concern.

Concern? Clarke must be reading that particular emotion wrong again. He takes a step closer and she backs away, the marble sink digging into her back.

"I said, what are you doing here?" she asks her voice low.

He crosses his arms across his chest. "You don't own the hospital."

She taunts. "My mom owns parts of it," she brags and immediately wishes she could take it back.

And that look on his face is the reason why. "Of course she does…are you going to call your bodyguard to throw me out, princess?" He says but without any animosity, he still has that concerned look in his eyes.

She rolls her eyes, steading her breath. "I meant in the girl’s bathroom," she says, turning away from his stupidly beautiful face because another wave is coursing through her, and she'd appreciate it if she could cry in front of anyone but Bellamy.

She sprinkles water on her face and draws in a breath her heart hasn't stopped squeezing inside her chest which means the tears can't stop coming out.

"Your dad's an asshole by the way" he says after a moments silence. She meets his stare in the mirror.

"You heard that?"

"Yeah…pretty much all of it. Sorry,'' he says genuinely again, and she can't help the sobs that come out. The little air that managed to slip through her pain and reach her lungs is blocked and she starts hyperventilating. 

Bellamy rushes towards her, turning her and his hands remaining on her shoulders. He lowering his head to her. "Hey just breathe in and out slowly," he instructs, and all Clarke can do is sob while trying to follow his instructions.

He slides his fingers under her chin, forcing her blurring, teary eyes to face him. "It's okay…just slow breaths. Take your time," he says breathing in and out with her. She takes slow breaths in and out, "that's good. You're doing good," he says softly. She can feel herself relaxing, but the tears are still coming. "That's it…" he says as she draws in a long breath.

He is so close she can feel his breath on her face, the worry creasing his eyebrows makes her broken heart flip in her chest. "Thanks,'' she says lowly, staring into his dark eyes. He nods slowly.

She knew she wanted her dad here, but up until this moment she didn't know just how badly she needed someone to be there for her, she's never really had that before.

Before she can think of what she was about to do, her arms wrap around Bellamy’s waist, she shuts her eyes, breathing him in. As soon as his arm wraps around her, the other one holding her head in place she felt some of the tension in head easing.

When Clarke and Bellamy left the bathroom, she realized that she was actually in the male bathroom. She's practically lived in this hospital, but her mind was so fucked up that she didn't even notice.

It's been about thirty minutes and Bellamy hasn't left her side. Weirdly enough she is thankful he hasn't. The only time she was separated from him was when she had to go into her mom's room after she woke up. She saw that her mom was hurting, and was a little embarrassed, normal people would just let those emotions play out. Not Abby, she has to mask those up by taking it out on Clarke.

Clarke is used to her mom being mean in a way that seems like she's just trying to be helpful. So when her mom was telling her she will be going away for a while to a spa (rehab) she didn't fail to remind Clarke how she should watch what she eats during summer, and how she can't tell anyone what happened or that Jake is living in Polis with his new young girlfriend. The worst part of all this is when she walked out of the room, Bellamy was there and the look on his face told her that he heard everything.

How was it that the guy she had barely talked to despite knowing him almost all her life had now knowledge of the most private and embarrassing parts of her life?

                                         ****

Bellamy knew that when he insisted on driving Clarke home he would be disappointing another girl.

But Gina didn't seem to mind after he told her that there was an emergency he had to deal with at home. He hated that he had to lie, but he figured telling her that he had to help out another girl tonight, one that he barely talked to wouldn’t fly over so well. 

They're sitting in her Jeep, in her driveway staring at her front door, they've been doing this for about thirty minutes now. Clarke is holding Bellamy's Jacket that he draped over shoulder her once they stepped out the hospital doors.

The fact that she hasn't made any attempt to leave this car and head inside solidifies his decision to take her home himself. Bellamy realizes brokenness when he sees it, he has been there before so he wasn't going to let her be by herself, especially after hearing how both her parents treat her.

"Did you eat?" He finally asks, peeling his eyes from the door. Her face is illuminated by the moon and lights lining her huge driveway.  

She drags her head slowly to face him, even with the dim light she can see the heaviness of her bloodshot eyes. She answers him with a simple shake of her head.

"How about I make you something?" Her brows shoot up and he just realized he’s offered to cook for her. "Or you can uhm…" he clears his thought all of a sudden feeling self-conscious, "just order something."

She smiles softly and it dissipates the self-consciousness brewing inside him. "Would you really make something?" She asks, almost like she can't believe he'd really take the time to do something like that.

"Yeah."

She nods "I'm only asking because…" she flicks her gaze to her hands that's she's fidgeting within her lap. "I don't want be alone," her voice comes out strained, "but you can just stay until we eat and then…" she swallows flicking her gaze back to him.

He rests his head on the head rest, still staring at her—he doesn't want to leave either. "I don't have to leave tonight at all Clarke," he assures "you stay in your room…. I'll stay on the couch."

"You'd do that for me?"

He almost reaches for her hand, but he doesn't. "Yeah…I don't think you should be alone."

Minutes later, Bellamy is in Clarke's kitchen. Bellamy's eyes definitely wandered around. His house would fit a couple of times in the Griffin residency.

It's also very polished as compared to his cozy and stuffed house that's filled with different arts that his mom collects at the flea market. Their house is clean, but their table is also littered with magazines and bills. The Griffin's huge stainless steel fridge doesn't even have a magnet on it that holds up any memories while Bellamy's fridge has postcards, some old Blake drawings and photos of their family capturing fun moments, Miller and Raven are even in a few of them.

He finds a stash of the housekeeper's noodles; Clarke informs him that she's obsessed with them so she always has some in the kitchen. She heads upstairs letting him know she's going to take a quick shower.

Once he is done making peanut butter noodles, his go to easy and quick dish Clarke's saunters into the kitchen her eyes meet his and his heart sinks a little. She's in a pair of pajama shorts and a matching top, but what’s caught his attention is that she threw Bellamy's jacket back on which shouldn't rile up any emotion inside of him, but it does. He loves seeing her in it.

Her face is bare, hair in a loose bun and she is utterly beautiful. He hates that her eyes are still red from all the crying.

While he was by himself he managed to come up with an explanation of why he seems so drawn to Clarke all of a sudden. She's in need. She's someone who is hurting and his mom raised him to be compassionate so that's what he is doing.

And those butterflies that are taking flight at the sight of her aren't anything but normal hormones because she is beautiful and he notices that, it would be crazy not to.

This huge ass house feels so small with just how suffocating the air feels between them, thick and charged. 

Clarke stares at him, chewing on the inside of her lips as she taps nervously on the black and white marble island. "That smells good," she finally says. Wait, is she nervous? Well, it's probably because she is in a big house like this with a guy who is practically a stranger, in a way. There is no way she's nervous for the same damn reason that he is, something's unearthing inside of him and she's the reason why.

"Yeah...the best peanut butter noodles you'll ever have," he promises with a chuckle as he rounds the counters with two bowls in hand.

"That's some confidence you have there Blake," she smiles, and he never wants that smile to leave her face.

He hands her bowl, hands brushing and his skin jolts with current. Staring up at him with appreciative eyes. "We should eat these on the couch, watch a movie," she says with a soft smile. "Thank you,” she adds.

He towers her and she shakes her head slightly holding his gaze like she can't believe it. "Why are doing all this…for me?" she asks with a curious gaze.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…" she stares down at her feet like she's trying to get her words just right then she stares back at him. "I just mean, we aren't really friends. I know you're friends with Raven, and she literally hates me. You don't really talk to most people…why did you...talk to me, comfort me, stay with me?" He doesn't miss the curiosity and doubt in her voice.

"I don't know," he answers honestly. "You were hurting. I wasn't just going to leave you there." He sighs, feeling short of words that would explain two of the most opposite people from opposite worlds ending up here. "I know a little something about absentee dads," he admits with a pang to his chest. "I didn't want you to be alone." 

The side of her lips threaten to shoot up “Thank you…” she takes a small breath her eyes melting into his then walks off to the family room and Bellamy finally draws in a breath and follows her. 

They eat their dinner, that first bite makes Clarke moan and she admits that these are the best peanut butter noodles which Bellamy follows with a smirk and a playful smug telling her I told you so.

At first she sat further away, but as time passed they seem to drift closer. The charged air between them seemingly dissipated with time too. They watch two episodes of new girl before Clarke falls asleep curled into Bellamy's side, and he makes no attempt to leave. She needs him and as strange as it was he wasn't going to leave her side.