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Chapter Text

In the morning I wake up before Luke. He looks like an absolute wreck and I feel like a wreck. I walk into his ensuite, splashing some water onto my face to wake myself up a little more and I go back to the room when I realize I don’t look too shitty. I need to talk to Luke about this. He’ll probably wake up still high on what he took yesterday, but I’m taking my chances. I wake him up and I’m not too kind about it either.

“Luke, fucking wake up. We have to talk about yesterday Luke,” I say to him, shaking his shoulder and when he wakes up he immediately squeezes his eyes shut because the room is so bright and he’s hungover as hell. He grumbles and he knows he’s fucked up, but he doesn’t know why exactly and I’m sick of this. I love him wholeheartedly, but I’m losing my mind.

“Jesus Christ - turn my high off, the room’s rockin’,” Luke says with a light laugh but now isn’t the time for Luke to be cracking jokes. I need a proper conversation with him, I need him to listen to me and I need seriousness and I need him to open his goddamn eyes.

“Luke, I need you to please listen to me. We need to go home. You need help. I will get you help but you need to take it,” I say to him and he looks very quickly confused. Like he doesn’t know where any of this is coming from, nor why I sound so absolutely panicked. I’m losing my mind here and Luke looks like he doesn’t know why.

“Why do I need help? What’s wrong? Why do I need help?” Luke asks me, sitting up, a concerned yet confused look spread across his face and he needs to listen to me. He needs to get it in his brain that he’s ruining everything. He’s an absolute genius of a person - so why can’t he understand this? He simply doesn’t understand .

“We have to go back to Sydney please, Luke. I will help you find somewhere to go to rehab and you can get better and we can stay alive and everything will be okay. Everything will be alright,” I say to him and I think I’m losing it. I’m on the absolute borderline of pure mania and it’s so difficult to get Luke to listen .

“Michael - I don’t know what’s wrong, but you’re kind of losing it at me and I don’t think this is the best way to deal with things. I will take you back to Sydney if that’s what you want? If you don’t like it here?” Luke asks me and I just need him to listen to me . He’s not listening. He never listens to me and we’re supposed to love one another.

“I’m not saying that Luke. I’m saying that if you stay here, if we stay here then we will fall apart. Please, we have to go back to familiarity, to Calum and to Ashton, to your brother and to my family. Please Luke. You can go to rehab and get better. I need you to get better,” I say to him and he knows what I’m trying to say. I can see in his eyes that he absolutely knows and I just want him to admit it.

“Is that what you want? If it’s what you want and what you think I should do, then I want nothing less,” Luke says to me and I just practically breathe out a sigh of relief. He’s listening, he’s actually listening to me and I’m glad he’s allowing himself to admit that he’s broken. That he needs help.

“Do you think you should do that? Can you admit that you need to go to rehab?” I ask him and he just solemnly nods. He’s admitting to his issues, he’s admitting to his wrongdoings and to his pain and to his addiction to chemically induced emotions and hallucinations. He’s absolutely addicted and it’s pulling his life apart.

“I’ve thought about it for so long, I guess I just don’t want to admit to myself that I’m in the wrong because I always feel so right Michael. I always feel like I’m just the most correct person ever. I’m clever and I know that - I won’t deny it because it’s true but I can’t admit to myself when I’m wrong that I’m really wrong. I just don’t ever want to be wrong,” Luke says and he’s starting to panic himself too. He’s rambling and Luke doesn’t ramble.

“It’s okay to be wrong. I’m almost always wrong, but you still love me - yeah? Being wrong is okay. If you can admit to being wrong, that makes you so strong. You’re so strong Luke, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to yell and scream to get the help that you need,” I say to him and I’m crying but I don’t care right now. I need him to know that right now he’s wrong and I’m right. He needs to admit it.

“Tonight. We leave tonight and don’t tell anyone. I just want to feel like I belong. Your friends make me feel like I belong,” Luke says to me, tears welling in his eyes and I love him despite all of his shit. I love him so much and he loves me.

“My friends are your friends. My loser friends love you so fucking much Lu. Calum loves you, Ashton loves you and I love you. You have people fighting for you Luke, I just want you to fight for you too,” I say to him because that’s all this is. He needs to back himself. He needs to love himself.

“I will try,” He says to me and all I want is for him to try his absolute hardest. I know that he’s fighting to stay alive and I want to give him the world for that because I know how difficult this is for him. He’s going through the hardest days of his life and I just know that he’s finding it beyond difficult, but he’s trying so hard.

So we spend the day planning how exactly to get back to Sydney without anyone knowing. Luke does have all of his money at his disposal, really he does and so I help him with booking the flights because he really doesn’t know how to use the internet at all. We manage to get a flight tonight and I just call Calum and tell him when we plan to be back home so that he can pick us up or something.

I call my parents, I talk to them about it and we tell Luke’s mother nothing. We tell no one anything at all, packing our bags in private, sneaking them into the blacked out car that the driver always drives and we’re leaving this all behind for now. Luke holds my hand the whole way. He holds my hand in the car, at the airport when we have to practically run in so that people don’t spot us. He just holds my hand for dear life and we’re really doing this.

We leave. We get on the plane and we’re leaving everything behind. Luke’s mother will be pissed off, so many people will be frustrated and annoyed, but honestly Luke needs to take care of himself and I have to take care of him. We can only do that in Australia.

Luke and I sit together on the plane, flying business class rather than the class we flew on the way here. It’s a hell of a lot better because Luke can hold my hand as we take off, just as he wished he could do on the way here. The take off still makes me anxious, but with Luke beside me it’s very bearable.

He’s sick on the way back. The flight is unbelievably long and Luke spends almost the whole flight just absolutely sick to his stomach over the toilet in the plane. It’s awful, I hate that he’s like this, but eventually we land in Sydney and Luke is ecstatic. I’m exhausted, honestly. But Luke’s happiness radiates when it’s there and it’s so odd that he’s so happy, but he is and that shows just how happy Sydney really makes him.

He practically skips when we get out of the plane and going through customs is so dumb, but we eventually get through and I'm thankful to be back home. Its hot , it's crazily hot, but Luke thrives really and I'm just excited to see my family. It was a few days, but I have realized that I don't like being away from familiarity. Luke can be practically anywhere in the world and thrive as he would anywhere else, but to me Sydney is home. I can't leave my friends and family just yet. That's all I've learnt. 

Calum thankfully picks us up from the airport and he wraps me in the biggest hug and it just feels like home. It feels wonderful to be back here, wrapped in familiar arms and Luke just stands back, awkwardly just there before Calum moves away from his hug to actually envelop Luke in a hug too. The blonde wasn't expecting it, nor was I, but I can see just how much Luke values this. He's kind of like a dead fish when it comes to hugs from people other than myself - he just stands there stiffly, not really hugging back, but it's progress for Calum and Luke. 

"Hey guys, I'm so glad you're back. I hear it was pretty rough over there. You both look good though, I mean it," Calum says and I suppose that Luke's good mood tends to radiate and really affect how he outwardly appears to others. In France he honestly looked like crap, but he was suicidal and living every day half dead so I don't blame him. Sydney has brought back his spark and it's magical to see. I love him. Calum has gone through a change of some sort since we've been gone for the past few days. He's dyed a streak of his hair at the front blonde, and it honestly suits the guy.

"You look good too mate. I like the hair. It suits you," I say to him and he thanks me sincerely as we make our way out of the airport and it's significantly less hectic than France. Here nobody knows us and it's reassuring. Luke can focus on his mental health, rather that trying to be present for cameras and media. He can get better without the pressure of being someone that he's not. He said it himself. He's a private, introverted guy with a drug addiction. He really doesn't need to be in the limelight. 

"Calum?" And as we're getting into Cal's car it's Luke who speaks. The natural brunette just hums and Luke continues. 
"I'm sorry I ever hurt you as much as I did. You mean a lot to me and to Michael and I was always just so angry at you because I wanted to be you. You're just ridiculously good looking and so charismatic and I always wished I was like you," Luke says and I don't know where any of that came from, but he doesn't need to say all of this. 

"Really? I forgive you for most of that shit, it means a lot to hear that though from you Luke," Calum says to him and I see the way it fills Luke with a sense of gratification to have done that and received that kind of reply. All Luke wants is to be a good guy, he's said that hundreds of times and I don't think he's ever been truly that awful. 

"I missed this. It felt so wrong being just Michael and I, right Michael?" Luke asks and I just nod because he's right, entirely. I didn't think he'd ever admit to that fact though. It sounded almost melancholy, I don't know what's wrong but there's clearly something on Luke's mind and I don't want him losing it right here and now. He always seems to be teetering on the edge, and he's developed a habit recently of flinching when quick movements are made around him and I don't know what's set that off, but I find myself moving to quickly in an awkward position as I try to pull on my seat belt and it's enough to push Luke over that metaphorical edge. 

He finches away from me, his breath hitches and he just looks so scared for a brief moment. Then he's alright - maybe even moderately okay and I don't know what that was, but Luke's been struggling since that night when he practically overdosed. He's not touched any alcohol, nor any drugs in about forty eight hours since the flight and the day in France and his withdrawal symptoms are really kicking in. I didn't notice on the plane because he was busy being sick, but now I can really see how he's kind of losing it. 

He's shaky, which is something Luke never is. He's always so sure of himself, so poised and professional, but now he's sweaty and shaky, unable to escape the symptoms of withdrawal. He rests his head on my shoulder in the back of Calums car, trying to bite back his hatred toward all of this, but he's unable to ignore it. 

"You alright back there Luke? Want me to turn on the air conditioning or something?" Calum asks and he's trying to be nice, really he is, but he doesn't know the half of what's happened recently with Luke. Luke just tells him to wind down the windows because he's sweating and I'm not opposed to the idea either. I was just starting to get used to the cold in France. Aussie summers are brutal. 

Luke gets all antsy after a while, unable to keep still, practically clawing at the backs of his own hands, scratching them to keep his mind off of things and although I don't want him hurting himself, I want him to just breathe and calm down. This seems to be working however, so I keep my mouth shut. He's grounding himself and it's reassuring really. 

"Can we please get something to eat? I'll pay, I'm just really hungry," Luke grumbles out and he's not in a great mood, but my own mood immediately lifts when he says he genuinely wants to eat. Calum would never turn down free food, so we find ourselves going to a McDonald's which I thought Luke would want to avoid like the plague, but he says that he doesn't care what he eats, as long as it's legally classed as food. 

So that's how I found myself in a McDonald's with Calum and Luke after a twenty hour stop over flight. Calum orders one of those disgusting looking muffin things that aren't really muffins at all, but rather just a flat toasted bun, with bacon, egg and cheese along with a drink and a small fries. Luke almost winces at the mere thought of that, and honestly I do too, but Calum always raves about how good they are. I highly doubt it. 

I end up just going for a cheeseburger meal because they're reliable and classic. It's always the same, zero variation and that's reassuring. It's practically become a craving in my head at this point and now that I'm thinking about it, they're pretty damn good. 

Luke ends up getting something that I didn't even know McDonald's does, and that's something called - veggie dippers that come with lettuce and whatnot in a wrap. Then again, Luke's too sophisticated for any of the gross shit that corporate businesses try to sell you and label reliable food , so really Cal and I are the dumb ones. But he also gets small chips and a black coffee with two additional shots of espresso and he's definitely going for it 

I wasn't expecting this from Luke, but we all get out food and everyone is rather ravenous. Even Luke, which is practically a miracle. He just has to keep it down. 

We chat as we all sit and eat and Luke is happier than I've seen him in quite a while. It's a genuine, heartfelt happiness in his eyes that just fills me with pure joy and I'm so glad that he can still find some happiness. He's still able to enjoy certain aspects of his life. 

"I watched your live stream! I forgot to tell you guys. Michael, you had a very natural on screen charisma to you mate. Luke, you just looked so in love with Mike the whole time," Calum suddenly brings up and it's funny to me that Calum would ever watch that, because he knows us. We were just putting on our happy faces and pretending to know what to do. We were just fucking around and having fun. I'd love to do it again some time. 

"That's because I am so in love with Michael all of the time," Luke says as he eats a chip or two and I'm glad he's actually eating. I don't know why he's doing this, but everything Luke does always has a reason behind it. So I'm sure in his mind he's come up with something compelling. 

"Good, I'm a pretty loveable guy. Hey, we didn't tell Ash anything at all about being back, should we go to his work and surprise the hell out of him?" I propose the idea and Luke just smiles lightly, resting his head on my shoulder and I assume that was a yes. Calum tells me that he didn't tell Ashton anything either, so the plan is solid. After we finish eating, we go and surprise Ashton at work. 

"Michael?" Luke speaks quietly so that only I can hear him and he sounds so upset. That one word - my name - was drenched in something heartbreaking and I don't know what it was. He's upset, he's on the verge of something, so I just hum a confirmation and he continues. 
"I want to go home. I want to see Jack and I feel so nauseated and I need some painkillers or something, please," Luke practically pleads with me in a whisper and he's really breaking my heart. He just needs to calm down a little, we can go and see Jack and make that a priority if Luke needs that. 

"We can go and see him first, yeah? I can try and find some panadol or something soon too Lu - hey, don't cry baby. What's wrong?" I have to ask him when he starts to shudder with silent sobs although I'm sure I already know the answer to that question. 

"Please - can you just go to a dairy or something and buy me a pack of cigarettes, I'm practically dying right now and I just need something. I just need something," Luke repeats and I don't know. I'm trying to get him to quit, but he's losing it right now and maybe smoking one more cigarette will keep him sane for a while longer. 

"What if I say no?" I try and I know it wasn't the best thing to propose right now because Luke's eyes well with tears and we can't really be doing this in public. Calum stays quiet, just observing, not making the situation any worse or better. Luke needs to stay calm down, he needs to remind himself that he's in control of his life, he's in control right now. 

"Please - just one? Just one - I promise, I just need one and then I'll be okay, I promise," Luke starts pleading quietly with me and it's embarrassing really, but he's so distraught and upset that I give in of course. Is this what Luke meant all that time ago about me being easy? 

"Okay, but you have to come with me. There's one near here, we can walk and then Cal can pick us up on the way through to Ashton's work. Is that okay?" I ask him and he just nods quickly, answering my question immediately and thanking me right after. He may be an asshole, but he still thanks me for these things. Sometimes I wonder why I've stuck with him through all of this. 

We all eat the rest of our food, Luke giving the rest of his chips that he couldn't finish to Calum and he's actually done a good job. He had enough food to class that as a meal and I'm really proud of him. It would have been a lot for the blonde, but he's trying so hard for me and for himself that it honestly means a hell of a lot. 

He can't stop practically trembling. He clutches his coffee cup with both hands as he sips from the drink, trying to ignore the trembling in his hands and he manages, but he's still frustrated regardless. I ask to try his drink, mainly because I'm curious as to how he can actually sip at it and not react horrendously, but also because I want to take his mind off of his hellish thoughts for a while more. So he hands the take away cup to me and I taste it. 

"How the fuck do you drink that shit Lu? I think you're going to stay up forever if you drink the rest of that - god," I say to him and he's invested in my words as per usual, smiling and laughing when I make a joke. I'm pulling his mind from whatever awful things we're going on and I'm just glad I can give him a little break. Even if it's just brief. 

"It's good, okay? I just love coffee," Luke explains, theatrically waving the cup a little as he says that, taking another sip and he's loosening up a bit more. He's laughing, having a good time and I'm glad. Without alcohol, it takes Luke a while to settle into different social interactions and I'm just glad he's getting there. 

"Hey Luke? You're a smart guy, do you believe in ghosts? Because I was talking to Ashton about it the other day and I wanna know what you think," Calum asks Luke out of nowhere and it's an odd one, but I too want to know what Luke's thoughts are surrounding the controversial topic. His reply is immediate.

"No. I think that when you die, you're gone forever. When Ben died, I prayed every single day for months for something supernatural to happen so that I could have his presence around me one last time, but I've never experienced so much as even feeling something eerie. Why? What do you think?" Luke explains his stance on everything before asking for Calum's thoughts on it all. By the way he slumps a little I can tell that his views conflict. 

"Uh, when my pop died last year a lot of weird shit happened. That's just my personal experience with all of that - yeah," Calum explains and he's immediately shutting himself down. It very clearly upsets Luke. 

"You're allowed an opinion Calum. My word doesn't dictate things like this. That's just my personal view of the whole thing. You're allowed an opinion," Luke reiterates and sometimes around the blonde having a different opinion feels wrong. He's a smart guy, as Cal said, so having a conflicting view with Luke automatically almost makes you feel like you're wrong. That's just how it is. 

"I'm really sorry about your brother Luke, I never should have lost it at you and said what I did at school. I know there's not really a valid enough apology for saying something like that, but I really am sorry," Calum ends up apologizing for everything he said about Ben, and it's about time. Luke simply nods a little, not good at things like this and I'm glad they're somewhat mending the terrible things that went wrong between the two. 

"We better get going. Lu and I will go to the dairy on the corner, just pick us up on the way through - we won't be long," I explain as we all stand up and Calum just gives me a double thumbs up, Luke taking my own hand while I speak and I can feel him practically trembling, but I think he's not as bad as he was before. It's the withdrawal that Luke promised me he'd never have. He's a good liar really, because I really took his word for it for too long and just stood by as he did hard drugs with a loose promise that he'd be okay in the long run. I guess I'm just gullible when it comes to Luke. 

"Michael, I really want to bury Ben's ashes. I want to give him a proper memorial because I miss him so much and I feel so upset and lost because he's never had the right send off. His story hasn't come to a content conclusion because we've never accepted his death, but I want to accept it. I still have some of his ashes at home and I want to properly go to a cemetery and give him what he deserves," Luke says to me as we walk to the dairy and clearly Calum's words got to him. 

"I'm sure you can do that Lu. Please don't cry lovely. I hate seeing you cry," And I stop us from walking any further right now because Luke is overcome with so much emotion that he's practically just sobbing here, on the sidewalk as we try to just go to the dairy at the end of this street. I place my hands on his cheeks, getting him to take a minute to just breathe and calm himself, because he needs to hold it together for a while. We're in public after all. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me recently," Luke apologizes, wiping the tears from his eyes and turning away from me for a minute. He's embarrassed, he's upset and trying to brush it all off. He takes a few slow deep breaths to just gather himself and I think he's mumbling some kind of pep-talk to himself. He's just been so odd recently and I don't know what's totally up with him right now, but I'm not a fan. 

"You alright?" I ask him, my voice quiet as I place my hand on his shoulder and he flinches. He practically jumps out of his skin at that touch and I didn't mean to scare him at all. He laughs it off and he tells me that he's fine, but he's antsy and scared. He's off, he's not as on to it as he usually is and it's weird to see. He decides to completely try to take my mind off of his odd behavior by telling me something that will completely distract me. 

"My mother knows we're in Sydney. She sent me a death threat. She said that she will get someone to come and take me back to France if I don't come back on my own accords. I suppose it makes me feel like I'm here illegally. Like I'm wanted. Like I can break the law here anyway because I'll get dragged halfway across the world at the end of the day regardless," Luke explains and he's being careless. He's thinking carelessly and recklessly. It's worrying. 

"Hey, I won't let anyone take you away from me. Don't do anything illegal, I don't want you to end up hurt," I say to him and he just nods, continuing to walk with me finally, but he trips over his own feet as we walk and almost completely trips over. Luke never trips, he never wavers or does anything out of place in this way, so that's what makes it all the weirder. He grumbles about it before he does something obviously reckless. He's being an idiot. 

"Jesus Christ. You know what? I can do whatever I want," Luke says and - no. No, no, no, that's not how this works. He's an idiot. He's the absolute worst because he just decides that - yeah, walking right onto the main fucking road right now is the best idea for him. I grab his arm thankfully before he can get hit by an oncoming car and he just laughs lightly as the car toots it's horn, the driver honestly pissed off at Luke and so am I. Really I'm just scared. Why did he do that? 

"What the fuck is wrong with you! You could've gotten yourself killed!" I find myself yelling at him and he's just so dazed right now with love and recklessness that he's seriously stupid. He just laughs lightly as he kisses me and I don't want this right now. I want him to talk to me. I want him to get his thoughts straight, he needs to come to his senses and explain what the hell that was about without the smiley, giggly, mentally fucked attitude. I just want him to be fucking normal. 

" 'Death aims only once, but never misses' – Edward Counsel . Adrenaline, Michael, is exhilarating. Clearly, I wasn't meant to die at that exact moment, so that's why I'm still here. I like watching my life flash before my eyes in times where death is close. There is nothing wrong with me," Luke explains and I'm just dumbfounded because none of that makes sense. None at all. 

"Can you just make some kind of sense for five seconds, Luke? I have no fucking clue what you're doing - you're terrifying me with you impulsiveness and dangerous behavior. I'm scared Luke, please just, calm down and think this all through," I say to him and it really gets to him. I see that floodgate open in his eyes where that fiery anger reignites and it's scary. It's awful. 

"Don't fucking tell me what to do Clifford. I swear to god - you act like you're so much better than me, that you're the perfect fucking boyfriend but you're not. You're fucking insufferable sometimes because you don't just let me do what I fucking want! I am this close to just shooting myself in the middle of the eyes and I wish I was joking," Luke gets aggressive with me and it's been a while. I flinch back at his anger filled words and tears brew in my eyes but Luke doesn't feel bad. Luke never feels bad. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Is all I can really get out before tears start falling, but Luke doesn't even feel slightly bad. He pushes me. He fucking shoves me and it's aggressive and terrifying to see from him. I would have expected this kind of reaction a month or two ago, but now we're engaged and trying to make this work? It's a bit much to handle mentally. 

"Fuck you! What the fuck is wrong with you ? You're fucking me over with all of this bullshit, ' Everything will be better in France, everything will be better in Sydney, ' it's complete bullshit Michael. Where will it be better next, huh? It's never fucking better Michael and I am losing my fucking mind. You don't seem to care very much," Luke starts off yelling, but it quickly becomes full of insecurity and loathing. It still stings regardless. 

"I care so much babe - I just-" And I cut myself off because I get all choked up and I don't know what to say because my heart is aching. I'm stuck in a one sided, practically abusive relationship with someone I truly love with my whole entire soul. It's the weirdest feeling and I hate everything about it. Luke very quickly snaps out of it and I see the remorse on his face immediately when he realizes what he just said and did. 

"I'm so sorry - I didn't mean - I don't know what's wrong with me," And hearing Luke stutter and panic shows me just how scared he too is of what just happened. I shouldn't continue to forgive Luke, but I love him almost too much, his tendencies to get away with these things being far too common. But my heart aches for him and I need to make sure he's alright. The answer is definitely no , and I really need Calum right now. 

Luke's panicking. This sort of thing has become rather reoccurring. Luke hurts me, he apologizes after snapping out of his pure rage, then he panics and gets worked up over it. It's repetitive and tiring, but I'm not going to leave him alone. I'm not going to let him panic if I can attempt to help stop it all. So when Luke starts to hyperventilate and sob like he did in my room all that time ago, I just hold him close as he shudders. I let him sob it all out because he's losing himself. He's losing it and I need to hold onto what I have left of Luke before he disappears for good. 

"Baby, please breathe for me, beautiful. In and out, you've got it babe. Shh, I'm alright, you're alright. We'll check you into rehab and you'll be okay," I speak softly as Luke struggles and that's what snaps him out of his panic. The promise of rehab that Luke is clinging onto. He begged for rehab weeks ago in a session with Jamie. I should have listened then. 

"I - I've changed my mind. I don't want to go and get cigarettes, I want to - I want to go and just see Ashton - or Jack or maybe even Jamie because weird things are happening in my brain and I'm scared," Luke explains, speaking into my shoulder because that's where he's buried his face whilst crying. It's that last part that really gets me and scares me. What does he mean? 

"What do you mean baby? Can you take a few breaths and try to explain it to me?" I ask Luke, always touching his hair when he's panicking, always whispering and being there for him despite the hell he keeps putting me through. He's scared of himself, of his mind and of what he does to hurt others. Luke's always been terrified of that, but everything is crashing down on him now after all this time. He flinches at quick movements, he practically jumps out of his skin at unregistered touch and it's so heartbreaking to see him so jumpy. 

"Everything is just - nothing makes sense and everything is screaming at me and I can't control my compulsions anymore and I just want to be normal. I just want you to be okay and me to be okay and for my brain to shut the fuck up," Luke explains, suddenly becoming rather stand-off-ish as he backs away from me a little and we can't be having this right now. He's trembling, he runs his hands through his hair, pulling on the ends a little and he's absolutely going through it. I don't know what to do. I need Calum right now. 

"You're okay, you're alright babe. Did you take your meds? I'm sure we can figure this out, let's just stay calm okay?" I ask him, trying to rack my brain for reasons behind his sudden worry and the terror in his eyes right now. If he weren't currently on the verge of an absolute breakdown I'd call Calum to get him here to help, but I'm not going to grab out my phone right now as Luke's barely holding on. If he really starts to dissociate and lose it then I'll call my best friend. 

"I'm sorry - I forgot - I'm so sorry -" Luke starts apologizing profusely and he doesn't need to apologize to me . The only person this is truly hurting is himself. He shouldn't feel the need to apologize to me for forgetting his meds. The side effects of not taking them seem to be enough of a punishment, he doesn't need me to forgive him. He doesn't really need forgiving. 

"Don't apologize, it's alright. We'll get back to Calum's car and you can take your meds, I packed them into your carry-on luggage, it's okay. Lu, why do you take anti-psychotics? I know you say you don't know, but if you do know why, I want you to tell me. I won't love you any less," I try to pry information from him while he's in a vulnerable state. It's awful of me, but if I'm ever going to obtain answers to these things, I have to ask him while his guard is down. He fiddles with his lip ring a little, biting the piece of jewelry as he debates telling me. Clearly he knows why he takes the meds despite his previous apparent confusion regarding why exactly he takes the medication. He's been lying to me to protect himself. I'm not mad, I'm just upset that he feels like he can't be open with me. 

"I don't want to tell you because then you'll think I'm crazy. Only my family knows," Luke explains with tears in his eyes and I know it's difficult for him, but I want him to open up a little. I know it's difficult, it's terrifying, but I want him to trust me. He can trust me, he can absolutely trust me and I will never judge him or think that he's crazy. It will just help me understand. I just want to understand Luke's mind a little more. 

"I won't ever think you're crazy baby. I won't tell anyone, we're family, you can trust me. I just want to understand what you're going through a little more. I just want to understand babe," I say to him and he just takes a few breaths, calming himself down so that he can explain to me what's wrong. 

"I just - last year I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I don't want you to think of me any differently. I'm not crazy, I just - I'm not normal and I hate that fact. I'm so scared, I'm sorry," Luke explains and I don't think I've ever heard of what Luke just said, but I can imagine that it's hard to deal with. He's already closing himself off right here now and I need to talk about this before he closes himself off fully. 

"Don't apologize to me Luke. Can you explain to me what that means? I've not heard of it before, I just want to understand what that means for you, yeah?" I say to him, asking for some kind of explanation so that I can understand just a little more. He takes a shaky breath, but he's fighting to open up to me. He's trying to trust me with this. 

"My emotions are really unstable. When I feel something I feel it like it's multiplied by a billion. I can't control mood swings and I can't stop the rage or the sadness or elation I feel when something small happens. That's why I'm so compulsive and impulsive , that's why I cut myself and get high and have good days and bad days. I know it's not an excuse for everything, but I just can't handle it anymore," Luke explains and it definitely explains a lot. 

"No it explains a lot Lu. It helps explain so much. Do you talk to Jamie about it? Does she help you work through it?" I ask him and he just nods. 

"My sessions with Jamie usually go very differently than they did when you were with me. Usually I do uh - emotion regulation therapy which I've been doing with her for the past year. I suppose that's why the new meds caught me off guard. That's why my relationships never last. I'm so scared of abandonment, I'm so scared you're going to leave me and I feel that so much more intensely than other people would. I feel love so intensely too and I don't want to lose you because I'm some crazy lunatic that just has brutal mood swings when minor things happen," Luke explains and it explains so much about him that I'm so thankful he's told me about this. 

"I won't ever leave you beautiful. This explains so much to me about you, yeah? It helps me to understand the way you react to things and it helps make everything make a little more sense. I would never ever judge you for something like this, if anything I want to kiss you and shower you in affection because it's helping me to understand what you're going through. It gives you a proper reason for your outbursts and it helps me gather what's going on. It's a good thing, I promise," I say to him and he just nods a little, trying to convince himself that what I'm saying is what he wants to hear. 

"I'm sorry for losing it at you. I just completely get flooded by my emotions, it just drowns me and there's no thought behind any of it. I think that the diagnosis just tore me apart more than it helped me. I just feel so - weird? I don't know how to explain it, I just didn't want you to know because my whole family almost outcast me when I was diagnosed. I just want my family to look at me like I'm still fucking human because I am. I just feel things too intensely. There's nothing wrong with that," Luke explains and I hate his family more than words. I think I always have. 

"What helps you feel the most at peace? How do you keep yourself above water? What do you need me to help you do so that you're feeling at your best," I decide to ask him because all I want is for Luke to feel and be okay. 

"Music. Playing any instrument and just being in the music. Or maybe science too, but I love playing the piano," Luke explains and I think that's the call to really be somewhere that a piano is. We need to stop in at his house, take a breather, talk to Jack, play music, take meds - Luke just needs to take it easy. He's being too difficult on himself. He's pushing himself to his absolute limits and it's hurting him more than it's helping him. 

"Do you wanna go to your place? Wanna go see Jack?" I ask him and he just nods, rather desperate for that actually. We continue to walk, down my the dairy and Calum is already waiting in the small car park. I inform him of the change of plans, that myself and Luke need to be dropped off at Luke's Norwest home and Calum doesn't ask any questions because he can see the dried tears on Luke's eyes and that tells him all he needs to know. 

Luke just rests up against me, falling asleep as Calum drives and the brunette is a much better driver than Ashton is. His driving is a good way to lull someone to sleep and honestly, I'm glad Luke's getting some rest. He really needs it. Calum is definitely a chatter, he likes to chat and so it's no surprise when he sparks up conversation with me regarding the blonde boy snoring lightly on my shoulder. 

"Ash told me about what happened the other day between you and Luke. Did he come and get you or did he leave you there?" Calum asks me and he's talking about when Luke practically kicked me out of the car and left me for dead. I don't know how to explain anything that happened at all, but I can try. 

"No, he left me and I met someone who spoke English. Luke called me about an hour later and he was absolutely wasted and high beyond words. I ended up finding him, then when I got to the club he was at, he was practically unconscious and a girl was touching him. They uh - they had drugged him and then they drugged me and I don't even know what happened. They did shit to us both, but I think Luke was overdosing because he had a seizure and we managed to get home somewhat in one piece," I explain the whole thing to him as I play with Luke's curls that are getting rather long now. Same goes for his stubble. He hasn't shaved for the past few days and I honestly think it's really sexy. 

"Are you alright? Do you want to talk about everything? I can imagine the past few days have been difficult," Calum asks me and I don't know if I want to talk about it all or not. I guess I can try. 

"They've been - beyond hellish honestly. Luke tried to kill himself, twice and I'm so scared that the next time he tries he won't survive. He's losing himself, he's been snorting cocaine every day just to feel alright and he hasn't been sleeping or eating and I just - he's going to go to rehab to try to get better. He's just so broken," I say to him, tears welling in my eyes and I wipe them away before I can let them fall. I don't need to be getting overly emotional. 

"He will get through this mate. Luke's very strong minded, yeah? You're helping him so much and he's going to be okay. If you ever need help with anything, I'm one call away," Calum says and it's reassuring to hear from him. I may need to rely on my best mates a little more, now that we're back in Sydney. 

Luke mumbles in his sleep, a few seconds of mumbling before he flinches into wakefulness, his eyes searching the car for something familiar before his eyes land on me and he immediately calms down. I always find myself saying hey , in some way to calm him down and it works this time too. I always say it and it's a weird thing to say, but he appreciates it and just says a light hi before he sleepily stretches a little like a baby kitten before resting his head on my shoulder once more. 

"Hey Michael?" Luke asks and he's doing this thing again where he feels like he needs some kind of permission to do small things like make conversation. I just say yeah and he sits up excitedly and he's in a good mood. A really good mood. It's nice to see. 
"Je suis si heureux d'être de retour ici, I love it here so much Michael. I love you so much I'm so happy," Luke explains, very happy right now and his joy absolutely radiates. I think I understand his over-stimulation of emotions somewhat now. He's a bit manic. 

"Yeah? Why's that, what's got you so happy? You're adorable," I find myself saying after asking what's got him in such a good mood and he just has such a beautiful dopey smile on his face as he looks at me. He's adorable, the stubble on his face is sexy, as is his lip ring and he sits comfortably in between being cute and hot. He's rather perfect. 

"I don't know, I'm excited to see Jack, I've missed him. He's excited too I think, I messaged him when we said we were coming home and he said he was so happy that we'll be back," Luke explains and I'm glad he's excited. As soon as Luke's finished his rambling we park up outside of his house and he very quickly hops out of the car, practically skipping to the front door to knock on the houses entry way. He's ecstatic. And when his brother opens the door he engulfs the older blonde in a hug that Jack reciprocates. 

"Hey mate, I missed you so much. How're you doing?" Jack hugs his brother tightly, his accent unlike his brother's, always sounding rather Australian when he talks. Luke just let's himself enjoy this proper hug for a while before he pulls a way to take a good, long look at his older brother. 

"You aren't drunk," Is all Luke points out and Jack just says ta-da, an interaction I didn't think the two boys would have, but did nonetheless. 
"Can we come in? I'm really tired, I just want to sleep in my own bed," Luke asks, avoiding Jack's question as a whole, leading the older boy to just stepping aside, letting all three of us in. I'm surprised Calum came in while Jack was here, but he stays silent so everything is alright for now. 

"You been eating and taking your meds Luke?" Jack asks and Luke just shrugs a little, walking immediately into his room, thankful to see it exactly how he left it. He flops onto the bed and us three just stand in the doorway, watching him like he's some endangered animal on an enclosure. He's discovered that Sydney really is his home and he has to stay here. 

"I am very tired, can I have a quick nap then catch up with you all soon?" Luke asks us and I don't see why not, so we leave him to rest. After all, he got zero sleep on the way back to Sydney, throwing up the whole way here. We leave him be, making our way into the living room and Jack has kept this place picture perfect, just as his mother would expect from him. 

"So, future brother in law, did you know that Luke used to fucking jerk off as he said your name? He's done it for fucking years," And my eyes widen immediately because that's what not the conversation that should ever be had. I don't want to hear that. I don't ever want to have heard that. What the fuck does he mean years? There's absolutely no way. Luke barely knew me last year, let alone the year before. There's no way he's been masturbating as he thinks about me for that long. If Calum were drinking liquid at the moment Jack said that, he would have split it everywhere. He didn't need to know that either. 

"We didn't need to know that. Please change the subject-" Calum ends up speaking when my mouth struggles to form words after that revelation and I don't know what to say. No one really does, but Jack is a natural conversationalist, so he continues as if he never said anything sketchy. 

"He properly has a thing for you, Clifford. I'm convinced that he only slept with other girls because he was that in love with you that he couldn't get over it. Seriously. Thank you so much for finally allowing him to be happy," Jack says and oh if only he knew the half of it about Luke's happiness . Luke is far from happy. Leaving him alone right now doesn't feel right. It's honestly terrifying. 

"Hey, uh - I'm just going to check on him because I don't feel great leaving him alone right now," I find myself trailing off, rather distraught to be leaving Luke if I'm brutally honest with myself. Jack just motions to Luke's room and that's all I need to see to leave Calum and Jack together, just to check that Luke is asleep.

When I open his door, the answer is very clearly no. He's not asleep, he's at his desk writing something rather manically and I think my presence startles him enough to just make him instantly sob. Either that or he was already sobbing before I entered. What's he doing? What's wrong? I just want him to be alright. 

"Hey, what's wrong baby? Why aren't you getting rest?" I ask him and my eyes flick down to the piece of paper he's writing on for just a split second and - oh. It's a note. It's much like his other one that he wrote back in France. It's a suicide note. Luke wanted to end it once and for all and he was writing a note for one of us to find along with his dead body. 

"It's not what it looks like! I - please don't be mad Michael, just let me go please, let me do this," Luke sobs as he tries to tell me that it isn't exactly what it is. But he immediately backtracks, telling me to let him do this and my heart is absolutely pounding in my chest. Whenever it comes to this my heart ends up pounding rapidly and I don't know what to say to convince him otherwise. 

"Lay with me? It's alright, lay with me and breathe," I say to him, holding his hand and guiding him to his bed, using his dazed mental state to my advantage right now. He lays with me, he curls up beside me, tears in his eyes, a sob threatening to escape his lips as he rests his head on my chest. He's finally really losing it. He can't be left alone. 

"Please let me go. I don't want to live any more Michael. I love you but I can't do it any more," Luke sobs and I hate that he feels this way. I hate that he's been hurt so terribly to feel this way. It hurts my heart that someone would hurt Luke so deeply. 

"It's going to be okay baby. You're going to be okay. Get some sleep, I'm right here, you can talk to me about this later. I love you, you'll be alright," I speak quietly, my voice somewhat lulling him off to sleep and he's honestly so mentally exhausted that he does sleep. He's going too far. He's getting too exhausted and allowing it. He's not getting rest and it's hurting his mental state so much. I don't think he slept much in France at all, let alone in the past twenty four hours. 

Once I'm sure he's asleep and will stay this way for a while, I exit the room to find Calum or Jack - both of which are sitting in the living room, watching TV and not making any conversation at all. They both turn at my presence and must see the terror and hurt in my eyes because they're quick to question what's wrong. I don't even know what to do anymore. 

"Luke tried to write a suicide note and take his own life. He's asleep now, I don't know what to do," I say, letting tears fall and both boys look very quickly as worried as I feel. I need help from Jack, I need to know what it is that will make Luke feel better and surely there's something from Luke's childhood that will make him feel better. Surely there's something that will raise Luke's spirits a little to give us time to book another session with Jamie so that she can get him to rehab. 

"Did he take anything? Michael, did he take anything?" Jack asks me and I don't know . I don't know anything about what's going on and I'm beyond terrified right now. Jack looks almost more scared than I do and he knows something that I don't know. 
"He writes his note after he's attempted. That doesn't make any sense, uh. He - in the past he's taken whatever he's taken to kill himself, then he writes the note. He got about halfway through the note last time before he passed out and I found him. Did he take anything?" Jack asks and I think my blood runs cold in that exact moment. I find myself quickly getting back into Luke's room, speaking his name loudly enough that it would wake him up if he truly were asleep. He doesn't so much as even stir. 

"Luke? Luke! Please baby, wake up. Don't you dare die - Louka, please," I find myself sobbing as I speak, shaking his shoulders a little in an attempt to wake him, but he doesn't even move at all or react in any way to my attempts at waking him. He's breathing lightly, I can gather that, but he's unconscious and he must have taken something because I can't wake him, neither can Jack when he too panics and tries to get the younger blonde to wake up to no avail. I feel like I can't breathe. 

"Shit - Luke? Can you hear me? Luke?" And I don't think I've ever seen Jack panic before, but now is one of those times. He too shakes his brother's shoulders, trying to get a reaction from the blonde and the younger boy's eyes actually flutter a little. He's hanging in there and I don't know what to do. I look around the room, trying to locate what it is exactly that he's taken and my eyes land on his sleeping pills on the table next to the note he had started writing. 

I race over to it, pouring out the remaining pills to count them in my panic. I counted them before we left and he hadn't taken any on the plane, so seeing as there are only three left and he had forty seven - fuck. Why did they ever allow him to have that many at his disposal in the first place? I can't breathe, my hands are shaking and I wish I could do something more. I wish I could help Luke like my parents would be able to right now. My parents . Paramedics. Jesus Michael - call for an ambulance. I can't move. 

"Michael, how many did he take? Talk to me Michael," Jack is speaking and his voice comes in out of the haziness of my overrun mind. It's like it fades in from the ringing of my panic and everything is all go. I can't panic and freeze up right now. I need to help the love of my life before he's gone. 

"Forty four - is he going to die?" I find myself saying, asking something I probably shouldn't have and Jack takes that confirmation of how many pills Luke took to scoop up the fading blonde into his arms, taking the boy into his ensuite to attempt to get the pills out of his system. It's not pretty, nor is it something I'd wish upon anyone - but I'm practically thanking the stars for Jack's overly quick thinking. 

He gets Luke to throw up. He grabs out a spare, still sealed toothbrush from the cupboards in the room, tossing it to me so I can quickly open it and give it back to him when I finally manage to get the bloody thing open. Luke's half conscious, he's hazy and barely holding on to wakefulness. Jack uses the plastic end of the toothbrush to trigger Luke's gag reflex as he holds him over the toilet. I'm so glad we got Luke to eat a meal and have something to drink before we came here, because the whole thing leads to Luke vomiting into the toilet involuntarily, choking up practically everything - and hopefully the medication too. Or at least some of it. 

Jack tells Calum to call for an ambulance and the brunette is very quick to do just that, grabbing out his cellphone and calling triple zero, immediately being put through and asking for an ambulance. I zone out Calum's presence entirely after that, focusing entirely on the love of my life who's shivering madly in his older brother's arms, the older boy cursing himself for not being there for Luke enough. Now isn't the time for that at all. Now is the time for us to fully commit to Luke living , all of us needing to do everything we can to keep him alive. 

Luke's eyes keep fluttering and rolling back when he fades in and out of consciousness and every time his body goes completely limp my heart feels like it sinks further and further in my chest. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I vaguely register Calum speaking with a panicked tone as he talks on the phone, and I register Jack just running his hand through Lukes hair how I want to right now. I'm holding Luke's hand, that's about all I can do right now and I can feel how cold he is. He's still shivering - he's still alive. 

Luke stays in this in-between state for a few minutes before he's out cold, only briefly opening his eyes briefly every few minutes and Calum tells us that the ambulance should be here any second now. It's been about ten minutes since I realized how many pills Luke had taken. It feels like it's been a lifetime. Simultaneously it feels like seconds. 

When Luke's eyes are briefly open, I notice how large his pupils are. He's not even mentally aware when he's awake, not at all, but it's somewhat reassuring when he keeps blinking awake for a second or two every now and again. I keep his hand in my own until I hear a siren in the distance getting a hell of a lot closer. Calum leaves the room at that, going to the front door to let the paramedics in and I think my heart really stops beating when I register that of course the paramedics are my fucking parents . This wasn't supposed to be how our welcome home party was supposed to be. 

I barely register anything. My mother tells me to breathe because she doesn't want to have to deal with me passing out from hyperventilating as well as Luke overdosing. She talks to Jack about what's led up to this, about what Luke took and how much he had taken, how long ago and how conscious he's been. Meanwhile my father is checking Luke's vitals and I could never do a job like this. My parents work so well together. They really are soulmates one way or another. 

Luke is somewhat awake, his eyes are open but drooping closed as he now lays on the floor in the recovery position and he's still shaky, his body reacting terribly to the amount of medication he took. I don't know how Luke's still awake. He ends up absolutely gone after one sleeping pill, let alone forty four like he's taken today. He's just so out of it. He is overdosing after all. 

He pushes away my father's hands lightly, barely able to move, let alone push my father's hands away as he's checking his vitals. My dad just ignores the whole thing, not allowing Luke to get agitated in this state, just allowing him to once again lose consciousness and float off into some world or darkness. He checks Luke's pulse, he also checks his blood pressure and he just stays quiet for a while before explaining that he needs to be taken to the hospital to have fluids pumped into him. 

I feel like I still can't breathe, I'm absolutely panicking but I need to hold it all together. Jack tells me to go with Luke in the ambulance and my mother assures me that he'll be alright. That Luke would probably be fine if he stayed at home, she just wants to ensure his recovery is smooth, seeing as his overdose was intentional. They can't get a stretcher into Luke's house, but they tell Jack that Luke's stable enough to be carried into the ambulance, so Jack lifts his brother effortlessly into his arms, following my parents out of the ensuite, through Luke's room and out of the house. I make sure I grab Luke's note on the way through his room so that I can read it on the drive to the hospital. I need to take my mind off of Luke's unresponsiveness. 

I find myself doing exactly that. I read the note as my mother drives the ambulance, my father in the back keeping an eye on Luke's vitals to make sure nothing drastic changes as we make our way to the hospital so he can get proper medical care and the note tears me to shreds. 

'I'm sorry. I know that I said I wished to go to rehab and to get better, but I'm tired of being so tired.
I love you so much Michael. You have shown me real and unconditional love that I could never repay you for. You're the absolute, undeniable definition of sunshine and I've never loved someone like I've loved you. I'm happy to have met you, I'm happy to have loved you with my whole soul, but I can't stand the fact that I keep hurting you.
You mean so much to me, that I'd rather leave our relationship here, beautiful, chaotic, young. I'd rather that than hurt you any more. I love you Michael. So incredibly much. 
Jack. I don't think you will ever understand how much you mean to me. You're all I've really had left of family since Ben died and I love you so much more than you know. 
I want you to talk to Calum, talk about Mali, about everything because you need to apologize to the Hood family. You broke Mali like Gray broke me. This is what happens to broken people. 
Can you tell Mum that she broke me too? Can you tell her that I hated her with my whole soul because she never cared about my feelings. She never cared about me, she never loved me as her son because she's a narcissistic, fame addicted woman. She's a con artist. 
I can really only blame myself. Just stupid just everything I'm so and I everything…'

It starts to not make much sense, the writing getting messier, the words falling off of their lines as tear splotches mess up a few words. It's so much. It's heartbreaking and my father takes it from me when I start to cry. He tells me that Luke will be alright, that Jack's quick thinking saved him from overdosing on his medication and I'm so glad that someone was a quick thinker in that moment. 

I have to sit in a waiting room at the hospital for a few hours before I can go in and see Luke. He's stable, he's conscious and I'm glad he's okay. He can't do this again. He has to get proper help. He has to go to therapy at the least, rehab if necessary or even a mental hospital for a while. I think he'd rather die than go somewhere like that, but I want him to detox properly, get better and love himself a little more. Walking into the private hospital room before Jack at his request is hellish. Luke's spacey but he's awake and very clearly not too aware of the situation. 

"Michael, hi," Luke mumbles and I just melt at that. He's so far gone on whatever the doctors have given him and just smiles lightly, nuzzling into his pillow a little as he barely manages to do anything. He's just cuddly and drugged up and I hate that it's come to this. 

"Hey baby. Feeling alright? I don't want you to ever scare me like that again. I love you," I say to him and he just nods a little, holding his hand out to me, practically ignoring the IV that's in the back of his hand, pumping fluids into him as well as a bit of morphine. They explained that it's to make sure he doesn't feel abdominal pain from the overdose. I trust the doctors more than anyone else. 

"I love you too. Why am I here? What's happening? Party?" Luke asks me, his voice a little slurred as he speaks and wow, he's really out of it and very unclear on what's been going on. He's ruining himself. 

"No baby. You tried to hurt yourself pretty badly, yeah? We have to stay here overnight and I'll be here with you the whole time. Do you remember what happened?" I ask him, explaining a little about the situation and Luke just hums a little, thinking about what's very clearly hazy in his mind. It's like it all hits him at once and I see his mood immediately fall. He's really slipping. 

"I took sleeping pills and wrote you a note. I'm sorry, I was very upset, I'm still very upset. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to die, I just want to be less tired and more me," Luke explains and I understand at least somewhat. Luke's a very depressed and broken guy, he's barely hanging on and every day we collectively as his family and friends have underestimated just how broken he really is. He needs proper help. 

"Oh I know love. That's why we're going to get you some help from professionals, is that okay? More people like Jamie who can help you find ways to deal with your depression?" I ask him and he just nods a little, saying that all he wants is to be happy again like when he was little. It makes me tear up but Luke tells me not to cry, so I hold it all in for him. 

The night at the hospital is hell. Luke sleeps the whole way through but I barely manage an hour or two. In the morning, when Luke is finally allowed out - it's raining, which is odd for the end of December in Sydney, but it fits the gloomy mood perfectly. Luke thrives in gloomy weather, as soon as we're outside he twirls around in the rain, ignoring the fact that he's getting absolutely saturated and he needs to hop into his brother's car so we can take him back to mine. I just want to see my parents on their day off and get Luke re-situated in my family home. He's made progress there.

We get dropped off home and Luke just holds my hand as we wait for the door to be unlocked by one of my parents. He's been a little all over the place this morning, but I suppose he's allowed to be. He's been sitting in a hospital bed for the past twenty hours or so. Luke likes being productive so he's practically itching to write when we get let in. My parents are happy to see us both, another Clifford family hug bringing us all together. Luke is practically drowning in affection from myself and my parents. He loves it. 

"It's much better to see you up and smiling rather than out of it like you were yesterday Luke. I hear France was really rough. Is there anything we can do as a family to help you feel any better?" My father speaks and Luke has always looked at my Dad with such admiration, now is no exception. Luke is in awe of having a proper father figure in his life, and I just know that my parents view Luke as an almost second son. It works brilliantly. 

"Just this. I like this," Luke says, referring to the hug from moments ago and my parents are both definitely huggers so that will work too. But Luke continues a little more seriously with what he says next. 
"Thank you for keeping me alive. I owe you more than I can possibly give. Just please don't have any alcohol in the house and - you're both paramedics. Can you hold on to my medication or hide it somewhere so that you can just give be the dosages when I need them? I don't want them to be at my disposal anymore or I will hurt myself again. Razors and knives too. Just kind of - kiddy-proof the house a little," Luke explains and I hate that he can't trust himself not to attempt injuring himself. 

"We can do that. We just want you alive Luke. We want you to be happy here," My mother explains and it's what I want too. I want Luke to be happy as a part of my family. Luke just nods at that a little before he asks something else of myself and my parents. 

"Also I need something - I'm going to quit, I promise, just while I'm detoxing from everything I usually take, I need to smoke to keep myself somewhat sane. Do you give Michael permission to buy me cigarettes? I'll pay him back obviously. Don't worry, he wouldn't ever try one, he's scared of lung cancer," Luke asks and I don't see a huge problem with it if he can eradicate Cocaine in the meantime. Cocaine is a big one for Luke. 

"Not inside of the house, but in the backyard. Michael, if I ever catch you smoking-" My mother starts and I assure her that I wouldn't ever and it's true. I'd probably rather do Cocaine again despite its tenancies to fuck me over, but my mother doesn't need to know about my past with the white powder.

"Thank you, thank you. Michael, I smoke menthol cigarettes, Jack says they're sold at that corner store by my house. Oh, also you're looking at me like I'm crazy - I promise I'm not. I have borderline personality disorder, I was diagnosed last year, I'm just in a good mood, that's all," And I'm so glad Luke is open with my parents to some degree. He's opening up, he's trusting them with something he told me and I'm proud of him. 

"Menthol isn't good for you Luke. They're worse than normal cigarettes, more addictive," My mother points out and Luke just shrugs that fact off before explaining. 

"Flavored cigarettes are great, I'm telling you. I've also been getting into that whole new vaping thing, it's fucking phenomenal. It's flavored, it's got nicotine in it, and you just have to charge it and you're sweet. They're really cool, I'm telling you," Luke explains and maybe sometimes he's too open about the not so great things. I don't mind either way, any form of positive communication with Luke is good. My father has to ask about what Luke said before. 

"What's borderline personality disorder?" My father asks Luke and the blonde looks like he's glad my dad asked him. He explains it more in depth than he did to me the first time. 

"It's a mental health disorder that impacts how I feel about myself and other people. I can't control or regulate my emotions. So when I'm happy, I'm really happy, and when I'm sad, I'm really sad. I have constant fears of abandonment, but I'm impulsive and have drastic mood swings that push people away, so it goes hand in hand. I go through bouts of paranoia and depression, but I also have manic episodes or moments when I get unfairly aggressive for no reason. There's been talk about renaming it emotion regulation disorder and I think that explains it perfectly," Luke explains and he's good with words. He never stutters, nor pauses. He just talks and talks and I love his odd mixed accent. It's great. 

"Is that why you - you know, snap at people?" My father asks Luke and the blonde just nods a little, answering his question wordlessly. 

"I can't control it. Small things set me off, like tiny little things and I just feel the floodgates open and I'm practically knocked over by the rage and it all just spills out an I can't do anything to stop it. It's like that with all emotions. Right now I'm quite neutral, but as soon as I feel something, I really feel it," Luke explains and it explains so many moments from the past with Luke. 

"Well, I think you two should get some rest, you both look knackered. As long as you have dinner downstairs, it's fine," My Mum explains to us and I'm so glad she said that. I want to make out with Luke in my room again. That's all I want in life and we find ourselves going a little further than that. A lot further than that. 

At six minutes past one in the afternoon, on Christmas Eve, I find myself being fucked by Luke Hemmings. I practically beg for it, something about the idea suddenly not leaving my mind. Losing my virginity during day time sex seems like a fitting fact to mine and Luke's relationship and honestly, the whole experience has me second guessing my stance on sex. 

Luke makes sure it's one hundred percent consensual, asking me over and over before asking me if I had condoms and lube or not. The answer is yes, bottom draw in my bedside table and honestly, I don't know why I have it, but I don't blame myself in this exact moment. I'm glad I did. 

"Okay - I'll fuck you so fucking well baby, you'll love it," Luke explains mindlessly, already opening the lube and getting three of his fingers nice and moist for lack of a better word. We're both naked, it's not the first time, and Luke keeps asking me over and over if I'm sure about this. I'm more than sure that I want it, and at that Luke inserts a finger and my eyes roll back as my back arches a little, bliss being an understatement. 

Luke kisses me as he has a finger inside of me, then there's two fingers, then three and my mind is spinning and I feel light headed in the best way possible. I'm beyond hard, my dick reacting to this whole thing in classic R18 cinema style and I just kiss Luke as he thrusts his fingers in and out of me, letting moans escape my mouth and his own. He's been waiting so long for this. 

Luke only pulls his fingers out of me to pull on a condom and lube it up. I lay here underneath him, moaning his name a little as he multi-tasks, kissing me passionately while doing everything else and we're probably being too loud but I don't care in the slightest. Luke gets off on me touching him all over, so I find myself absolutely touching him all over, moans escaping his lips as he tries to continue doing what he's doing, but failing because he's too in bliss. He snaps out of it for a moment to continue before the tip of his dick is grazing my ass and I lose my breath for a second before begging him to do it. 

And he does it. I feel everything black out for a second, I'm seeing stars and I feel in absolute bliss before everything fades back in and Luke is being gentle. I tell him to fuck me, as if he wasn't doing exactly that right now, but he thrusts back and forward a little and I find myself tilting back my head involuntarily, in absolute pleasure when he hits the fucking spot, a ripple of euphoria running through me because I've never felt so far in love. Luke is practically out of it as he's fucking me, but he's very wary of my limits and the fact that I've never done this before. 

Luke's eyes are vacant as he fucks me, but he's also so present and it hits me that this is what Luke looks like during sex. I can imagine I'm looking pretty similar. I end up coming all over myself when we finally reach our absolute climaxes and Luke comes in me. It's a fucking weird experience but we both just end up naked, laying beside one another, breathing heavy as we both process the whole thing. God I'm fucking in love with this boy. I don't think I'll be able to walk or sit down for dinner later, but I'm so in love with Luke that I don't care. 

"You've never done that before? That was the best sex I've ever had," Luke breathes out and I have no choice but to agree with that because it's the only sex I've ever had. For Luke however I can imagine there's quite the competition for who's first place in his books. We need to clean this all up and shower before dinner, so we do exactly that. We shower together, we make out and giggle like little girls, but there's so much love in every peck and I'm just glad Luke is alive . 

The only reason he didn't have to go to a mental hospital after his one night stay at the actual hospital was because he managed to bait them into accepting his current mental state as stable, just because he said he was going through a depressed episode due to his mental disorder. He says he doesn't need to be monitored by doctors, he has a mental disorder that's already been diagnosed and he tells them that I'll be watching over him anyway. He's already medicated for it, so really he doesn't need to be in a place like that. I think it would've made matters worse rather than better. 

Luke tells me that he takes cold showers, and I tell him that I'd rather anything else, to which he gives in just because he wants to be with me. What kind of psycho has a cold shower anyway? Steamy warm showers are the absolute best thing in the world. Luke mopes about it for a second before he just let's me wrap my arms around him under the spray of hot water and I'm glad he loves me because he just kisses me all over my jawline and lips. God he's beautiful. 

He's happy here, or he's at least he's in a good mood at the moment and it's hard to look at this blonde boy who's smiling into my kiss like he's the happiest person in the world - but to know that he tried to end his life yesterday. It's just hard to process. But right now as he lets me shave off his stubble in the shower, holding still for me so I don't accidentally cut him, he looks so happy. We manage and when Luke is clean-shaven, he looks so young. I sometimes forget just how young he really is. 

Luke is growing up quite a bit though. Especially as he's growing out his curly blonde hair, he's figuring out his style, he's growing into himself and his personality and he's really growing up. It's bittersweet to see. He still has a very light dusting of freckles over his nose and cheeks, so light you almost can't see them, but as I kiss over his cheeks and perfect nose often, it's not difficult to study every aspect of the blonde boy. He's got freckles on his shoulders and a few on his chest. As a freckle-less guy, I love everything about them. 

I can't help but notice that Luke's hips and legs are covered in more scars than I remember, most of his thighs and sides littered in uniform lines that have left lifelong scars on his person. He hurts himself so often and it hurts me that he'd ever want to do such a thing, but I know that it's his release and only time will heal such a thing. 

When we get out of the shower everything kind of happens in slow motion. Everything is alright for a while before Luke fully passes out for a second, straight into my arms and it scares the shit out of me. He's only out for that split second before he's groaning a little, his legs now no longer jelly and I don't know what the fuck that was, but terrifying would be an understatement. 

"You okay Lu? What was that?" I ask him when he nods to my previous question and he just rests his head on my shoulder for a second as he gets his thoughts to be a little less hazy. I don't blame him, after I passed out at his Paris house, I know just how mind scrambling it can be. He needs a minute and I'll give him as many as necessary. 

"Just - that was because of the hot shower. It's why I have them cold, the whole eating disorder thing just leaves me kind of spacey after a hot shower and I black out for a second. Thank you for catching me," Luke explains and in my eyes it's just another sign for him to fight to beat this. He doesn't want to talk about it any more, so it's left there, but regardless, now we're both subconsciously thinking about it and I know it's a lot. 

Luke tells me as I'm drying his hair that he wants to grow it out. He wants to just keep growing it out and see what he thinks about it when it's longer. I just like standing here, drying his hair as he mumbles his words because he loves this touch so much that he's practically getting off to this. He's such a horny teenager. 

"Pull my hair. Tug on my hair," Luke mumbles as I run my hands through his damp hair and I don't think I could ever do that to someone, even if they're mumbling in euphoria for it, but I find myself pulling on his hair a little as I run my hands through the blonde curls and he hums a little, very clearly liking it. Luke's eyes roll back a little as I do this and I hate that he loses himself this much when he's being touched, but it's just how his body reacts to this. He loves it a little too much. 

"Come on, let's go downstairs babe, want a coffee?" I ask him and he just nods a little, his eyes still closed for a minute as he stays in the moment as long as he can before we leave the bathroom, wrapped in our towels, going to my room to get changed into track pants and graphic tees because it's still cold despite it being summer. The rain has really dampened the day's mood - pardon the pun - but Luke is loving the snuggle under a blanket weather.