Chapter Text
The first thing that occured to him through the morning amnesia was that the poster-plastered ceiling he staring up at was his. His bedroom. He couldn't remember sleeping in there in years, and as memories drifted back he struggled to recall why.
Then he sat up, and the pile of smuppets he'd collapsed into squeaked loudly like a chorus of the most filthy angels. Right, it was his store room now. That would be it.
Bro groaned and rubbed at his face, partially to dislodge the brilliantly coloured felt fibres he could just feel clinging to his stubble and partly to try to speed the transition from practically drunk on drowsiness to just awake enough to actually get up. Oh god, had he taken his shirt off? There were smuppet imprints all over him, like some botched tattoo gone horribly, horribly wrong. While he was fond of his creations in many intimate ways, that fell short of wanting his body adorned with them. Shit, had some of the orange dye come off or was he imagining that? He could swear there was a slight orange tinge and that stuff wouldn't wash out, so fuck if he was taking his shirt off again for a while, and what if Dave saw it and was an ass about it, or worse what if someone at a club saw it and-
Oh shit. The club. He'd had work last night.
"Fuck!" He muttered, searching for his phone amongst the plush rumps and felt proboscises, considering it a minor triumph when he managed to locate his rainbow-felt covered shirt. As he pulled it on he recalled hiding his phone and not collecting it again, and then recalled his argument with Dave that basically amounted to them both being prone to escalating everything quickly, and then groaned as he once again remembered sleeping instead of just going to fucking work.
He dressed as best he could, ending up looking like some toddler had attacked him with pretty colours, but at least the smuppet-hickeys were covered. Smuppet-hickeys. That was their name now, that was a thing.
Now the mission became collect his phone from on top of the fridge, and avoid Dave, little stroppy shit that he probably was right now. Luckily both of those things had an easy answer, so with a slight roll of his shoulders to crack them, he reached up and hooked the cord of the crawlspace, opening the hatch and jumping up so his fingers caught, pulling himself up to crouch on the edge and loom over the hole like the goddam Batman. He closed the hatch back up and paused for a moment to listen for signs of where Dave was, and of course he was in the kitchen. Of course he was.
He crept silently over the floor, stepping over the beams he knew would creak with careful grace, avoiding putting weight on the other trapdoors Dave wasn't actually aware of. He manouevered around the vent of the faulty air conditioning unit he would sometimes climb to get to the roof when he really wanted to be alone, and then stopped on the edge of the trapdoor above the kitchenette, drawing in a long, deep breath and then holding it as he delicately hitched it off the small catch that usually prevented it opening upwards, flipping it open and cautiously examining the layout of the room below as he laid it to rest on the messy, dusty floor.
Dave was staring at the microwave, leaning his head on his arms, disinterestedly swilling apple juice around a small bottle as he prodded the pile of fireworks he'd had to remove prior to cooking. He could see his phone in the gap between the fridge and ceiling, and crouched low to the ground opposite, trying to calculate how best to grab the thing. Nothing a little effort and a lot of flexibility couldn't solve.
With a soft exhale and then another deep breath in, Bro lay back on the trapdoor above the fridge, arms gripping the edges of the hole as he eased himself further back. As soon as he was far enough, he cocked an ear, hearing Dave rambling to himself, still in the same place. He was pretty sure the kid didn't realise those little dialogues were out loud. Good thing, too - they were like a beacon, and the way Bro always knew exactly where Dave was. It was that or when he had music playing loud enough in his earphones to hear a room away.
Right. This better work.
He hooked his feet under the edge of the trapdoor, tensed, then released the sides and swung down with enough momentum to catch the phone, knees folded around the edge of the hole. He gritted his teeth and pushed off the fridge to get back up, grasping fingertips just managing to catch the edge and hoist him out of view as Dave looked around.
"Bro?"
A little (a lot) smug, he quietly put the trapdoor back in place and hooked it in to only open one way once more. Below, Dave was rambling agitatedly about fucking stealthy dumb ass bullshit and Bro almost regretted not having had Cal to leave in the phone's place, but not quite. His screen had several missed messages when he flicked it on, and they had quickly absorbed his attention.
Without missing a beat, he flashed to where the air conditioner vent snaked along the low ceiling and swung up through the hatch, catching the knotted rope he'd hung down the centre and starting to quietly climb, using it to steady himself enough he didn't make booming hits into the sides. Then he crept upwards, emerged onto the roof, and settled on the edge with legs dangling into the abyss as he observed the screen more closely, frowning at the colourful mix awaiting him.
CA: stri wwhere the fuck are you
CA: im bein serious you asshole
CA: wwhat sort a professional dont evven showw up
CA: youre lucky i had backup an youre lucky youre too good to fire
CA: but this is the ONLY time im lettin you off the hook
CA: fuckin dick
So that was his boss pussying out of punishing him, good. Probably knew he didn't need the gig but they weren't going to get any better. He sent back a vague message about being deathly ill but totally having recovered now and got sent back a fuck off in response. For that douchebag that was a pretty positive reply.
TG: drik
TG: dirk*
TG: i hav WORLD CHANGEIGN NEWSW
TG: i have......
TG: ..................
TG: ................
TG: ..................,..
TG: ...........
TG: (dramtic pause lol)
TG: A BF
TG: a smokin hot bf
TG: dappre as FUCK
TG: fyi ms rolal is of the amarket
TG: off*
TG: sry bby
TG: i no u had ur hops up
TG: shoulda put a fing on it
TG: *rnig
TG: *rin
TG: OMFG ****RING
TG: yh so
TG: ur not there r u
TG: lettin the team down
TG: who can i glote to now tho dirk
TG: WHO CAN I
TG: o wate janeys online nvm
TG: later distri
...oh good. There was a conversation he wasn't going to be allowed to avoid later.
EB: bro are you there yet?
EB: no?
EB: ok well
EB: i just wanted to check you were okay?
EB: you know, because you were being totally normal and sword fighting your sibling.
EB: i thought me and my dad strifing was bad but like
EB: at least i'm not trying to kill him???
EB: so uh when you are around
EB: let me know you aren't dead or something, please?
EB: and the whole not killing dave thing
EB: that would be great too!
EB: oh hey wait dave is online i guess he's alive then!
There was a long pause, and then an hour ago, three last messages.
EB: don't tell dave we're still talking
EB: i told you he'd go bluh!
EB: i told you bro!
Yes, yes he had. Bro sighed to himself, tapping the screen and starting to type.
TT: I assume you spoke to Dave then, because I had a slight disagreement with him about it last night and am well aware he took it like the tiny whiny school girl he actually is inside.
TT: That might even be his fucking spirit animal right there.
TT: He's made an issue out of something that really didn't need to be.
TT: But hey. I'm alive. Barely a scratch on me, so that's pretty chill.
TT: Oh and I won, thanks for asking. No one is surprised.
EB: i sort of guessed that by the way dave kept pouting and cradling his arm and fishing for sympathy?
EB: i'm glad you're okay though!
There was a slight pause, just long enough Bro noticed it and quirked an eyebrow at the screen.
EB: both of you, i mean!
EB: you and dave
EB: who is my best bro
EB: and i was totally just as worried for
EB: heh?
TT: Did you just try and laugh nervously on a text chat.
EB: no!!
EB: well maybe.
EB: shut up!
TT: Shutting the hell up as we speak, but no promises I am not mentally once more comparing you to some sort of dorky kitten.
EB: shut up!!! i am totally a more manly animal than that.
TT: Of course you are.
EB: yes!!
TT: You're at least a puppy.
EB: bro!
TT: Calm your tits, it was a complete joke.
EB: no it wasn't.
TT: No it wasn't.
TT: Did you get made another sugary monstrosity this morning?
EB: no thank god! i think dad got the message when i took a hammer to the last one.
EB: he still fought back though! that man is a devil with cakekind.
TT: Your family strifes are basically cake fights?
TT: To quote you, "pffffffff"
TT: No wonder you worry about us playing with real weapons.
EB: hey! i use hammerkind, that's totally a proper strife specibus
TT: You use hammerkind...
TT: ...to beat up cakes?
EB: sorry not all of us can be ninja sword masters!
TT: Seriously, John, please learn some vague self defence against things that aren't puddings?
TT: At least step up to main courses.
EB: oh shoosh, dude
EB: i can defend myself just fine!
TT: Of course you can, John.
EB: >:P
TT: So what are you doing today, other than bothering me?
EB: i don't know
EB: my dad is out with some lady he knows but he locked me in and told me in an emergency i could smash a window to escape and that i was to be good and stay here and that he was proud of me.
EB: well no i woke up to a note stuck to my computer that had all of that on it in STUPID CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE SMALL ONES.
EB: so just playing games and talking to you i guess?
TT: Is that why you seem incapable of typing capitals yourself in a typical sentence? To compensate for his overuse of the upper case?
EB: it's just quicker!
EB: at least i can actually punctuate, unlike dave
EB: rose types all posh like you though.
TT: Lalonde, right?
TT: And this isn't posh, this is just typing correctly, kid.
EB: i think that's her name! has dave spoken about her?
TT: Sort of. It's not important.
EB: whatever.
EB: you should totally drop the mysterious cool dude act, i am so beyond falling for it now.
TT: My apologies, let me just revert back into my true personality, where I become naught but a squealing dorky fool and can only say kawaii desu!!!! like some sort of otaku pokemon.
TT: Or maybe, you know. This is my actual personality right here.
TT: Just as a thought.
EB: i like to think if i scratch away long enough beneath the douchey outer shell is a soft squishy centre that's actually really sweet
TT: Well get to it with the power tools, kid, because getting there will take a fucking long time.
EB: i'm setting to it with one of those big drill things that looks like a doomsday device
EB: raiding the lost temple of bro
EB: looking for the golden idol of likeability
EB: setting off all his ironic defences
TT: And then being betrayed by some guy who dies anyway?
EB: shoosh stop ruining my metaphor
TT: No. I have spent way too long with Dave to put up with dumb ass metaphors.
TT: Well done, John, you found my kryptonite.
TT: It's stupid rambling streams of words with no bearing on what's actually going on.
EB: that's a pretty specific weakness
TT: It comes naturally when living with Dave, trust me.
EB: well whatever! my point is, you're stuck with me now.
EB: i'm not going to stop until that idol is mine.
TT: You're going to regret that.
EB: i'd never regret anything if it made me a friend!
This kid was going to be the death of him.
.:.
EB: oh my god
EB: my dad
EB: bro he's on a date
EB: he's on a date what the fuck!!
TT: Wait, you've only realised this now? John it's been three hours, and it was pretty obvious.
TT: I'm not questioning you intelligence, but
TT: Wow.
TT: Really?
EB: he never leaves the house how can he have a date???
TT: Hey John, there's this rad invention for meeting new people without leaving home you should check out some time.
TT: It's called 'The Internet'.
EB: shut up!!!!!
EB: this isn't fair!
EB: i'm too fragile to be allowed to just go out
EB: but he can just swan off with some girl?
EB: why does this keep happening!!
TT: If it makes you feel better I can guarantee 100% that I will never in my life abandon you for a date with a girl.
EB: that's a pretty big promise to make
TT: Eh, I'm pretty sure I can stick to it.
EB: well whatever! i just can't believe he left me stuck here like always while he's gone out :(
EB: he could've taken me
TT: I don't mean to pry here, but you and your Dad.
TT: From what I've gathered you never leave the house. Either of you.
TT: I can believe it, with home schooling and deliveries and so on.
TT: But
TT: Why?
EB: oh
EB: well
EB: uh
TT: Don't worry about it, forget I asked.
EB: no, no, it's okay
EB: i mean my dad's always been like this?
EB: i remember going out when i was really little
EB: i went to a normal preschool and stuff!
EB: but then my mom died and it all sort of just
EB: stopped?
EB: dad started working from home and teaching me here and i just sort of got used to it.
EB: he just says he wants me to be safe
EB: and anyway, i do sort of leave the house! we have a yard.
TT: A yard, huh.
EB: yeah, with a pogo ride and a swing and a tree i climb in the summer :)
EB: it's great! and i get fresh air and i can go out and sunbathe and in the winter it all gets covered with snow?
EB: i build snowmen of dave and rose and jade
EB: dave always says his doesn't look cool enough but i don't know how to make snow shades
EB: i'm too big for the ride now but sometimes when dad isn't looking i still play on it
EB: when i was little it was my favourite thing in the world, it was so much fun
EB: i mean my computer is now but that's only because all of my friends are on it!
EB: and if i wasn't too old for it i think the ride would still be pretty close
EB: uh
EB: sorry!
TT: For what?
EB: for rambling! i was going on about stupid stuff
EB: i just don't talk about my things often. all of the others have much cooler stuff!
EB: like dave always has stories about strifing with you, and rose lives in a big mansion, and jade has so many great stories about her grandpa and her island
EB: and i just have a yard
TT: John, your yard is great.
TT: I want to hear all the fuck about your yard.
EB: ha ha, yeah okay, whatever.
TT: My favourite home had a great yard.
TT: It was big, but there were about ten of us so it didn't feel that big when we were playing in it.
TT: The guy, I can't remember his name, he'd built a playground out of timber and stuff, it was amazing. All these little holes to hide in and ladders to climb, and a big curvy slide.
TT: But all the other kids always got there first, and shoved me out of the way, because back then I was stick thin and about as strong as a twig. The guy noticed and he didn't have much space left so he just gave me a tyre on a rope, hanging from a tree away from them.
TT: Wrote my name on it in big orange letters because it was just for me.
TT: They had their fancy shit, but I had my swing I could sit in and climb on and just have fun, and that was enough for me.
TT: I loved that place.
TT: They moved me on a month or two later because some kid made a complaint that I'd threatened him when I hadn't. Never got another place with a decent yard again.
EB: wow
EB: that's actually kind of
EB: sad
EB: but happy at the same time?
EB: i have a tyre swing outside too.
TT: Would you tell me about it?
EB: ...
EB: yeah
EB: okay.
.:.
John had signed off for a while to have a bath, and he had managed to get back in and stake a claim to his futon without using the door, Dave back in his room and apparently content to stay there. The choice of television on a Sunday afternoon was decidedly not to his tastes, so he had settled in to play some Mad Snacks Yo while he waited for the blue boy to reappear.
Little miss pink showed up first.
TG: dirk
TG: u better b ther this time mistur
TT: Regrettably it seems I am.
TT: Good afternoon, Lalonde.
TG: its a fuckin GRATE aftrnoon stirder
TG: u dont even no
TG: i am on cloud ten ovr here
TT: It's "cloud nine", Roxy.
TG: nope i passed thatt shithol a wile bk lol
TG: now im up in teh strattohsfere
TG: *startosphare
TG: *w/ever
TG: w/ my sexy bf who i wil now tell u all aobut
TT: Please do go on.
TG: wow u sound like rose wen you get all partonisin
TG: but ok i totes will
TG: hes lyk sum bakin dude who works fr bety cocker
TG: *crocker lol
TG: a dapper gentelmn
TG: we met on the webs bcuz my mad haker skillz got me in troble w/ crocker corp and he was my nite in shining armur who came in an got me off the hook
TG: it was love at frst text lemtme tell u
TG: he was all ur text is so prety jus lk u
TG: an i was all *swoon*
TG: ooh mistr egbert ooh
TG: pretty sure hes the one, dirky boy
TT: Egbert?
TG: yh i mean hes asian or somethin bt i gues its jewish rite?
TT: No it just rings a bell, that's
TT: Does he have a kid?
TG: maybe i dunno i thnk so?
TG: i was distacted by alcohol
TG: i can aksk i mean hes only gnoe to the batroom
TT: If he does, and it's a dude, do me a favour and give him a hug and say it's from Bro.
TG: wate u want me to hug my bf fr u?
TT: I meant the kid.
TG: oooooooo
TG: y?
TT: Just do it. Come on, you owe me so many favours, I'm just checking one in.
TG: siiiiiiiihgs
TG: i gess i can bcuz its u my bffsie
TG: bein all weird an sneayky lk always
TG: but u beter tell me y later distri
TG: im warning u
TT: You have my solemn word.
TG: lk thats worth shit lol
TG: k mr sexy is bk gotta go
TG: think ill gtet invted bk for coffee soon *wink wink*
TG: im gonna get laid tonite drik i can feel it
TT: Good luck with that.
TG: ty
TG: u no u need to get laid urself mr
TG: wen r u gonna get around to that
TT: Goodbye, Roxy.
TG: ofc u dont answer
TG: gbye
As ever, his whole world just curved back in on itself. He shared a look with Cal, but decided just this once, the universe was forgiven.
.:.
EB: you are such a stupid massive dork
EB: and i don't want to know how you know rose's mom!
EB: (oh god my dad is dating rose's mom D:)
EB: ...but thanks
EB: i guess.
TT: You're welcome, I guess.
EB: you know she's the first person who's visited in years.
EB: but he let her in!
EB: maybe that means he might actually let me go out?
TT: I hope so, John.
TT: You deserve room to breathe.
EB: well i can hope :)
EB: mom is staying for dinner so i have to go now?
TT: Mom?
EB: she introduced herself as rose's mom so i don't know that's just what i'll call her! i mean like you're just bro, right?
EB: that's because you're dave's bro! that can't be your real name!
TT: I prefer it to my real name.
EB: but it's exactly the same!
EB: i guess she doesn't share it with people often?
EB: or at the very least not me!
EB: maybe she keeps it for special people like some weird show of trust?
EB: wow that sounds like something out of a terrible romantic film
EB: oh clarence, you must know, my name is not mom it is penelope!
EB: he he he
TT: Dirk.
EB: what? i don't think that's her name!
TT: Clarence, my name is Dirk.
TT: But I prefer Bro a hell of a lot, so think carefully before abusing that knowledge, Clarence.
EB: wow
EB: really?
EB: i know your name!
EB: that feels kind of cool.
EB: like i have some secret top secret knowledge, my eyes only, all that spy stuff
TT: That's pretty much what happened here.
EB: dirk strider
EB: you sound like a shitty action hero!
TT: Because John Egbert is so much better?
EB: shoosh
EB: my name is just fine
EB: and yours is sort of cool!
EB: dirk
EB: :)
TT: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Please stop using it now.
EB: okay, fiiiiiiiine. i'm putting it away in my blackmail folder.
TT: John.
EB: joke!
EB: seriously though
EB: thanks?
TT: What for, this time?
EB: duh, for trusting me.
EB: it's nice to know someone does!
TT: You're a good kid.
EB: and you're a good
EB: person?
EB: whatever the adult version is!
EB: dad's starting to sound less cheerful so i better go
EB: i'll be back soon
TT: I'll still be here.
EB: yeah
EB: i know
EB: :)