don't stay away for too long

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Explicit

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Law & Order: SVU

Relationship:

Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler

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English

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Published:: 2024-11-01
Updated:: 2025-10-20
Words:: 101,697
Chapters:: 22/?
Comments:: 718
Kudos:: 937
Bookmarks:: 131
Hits:: 29,693

Notes:

Thanks for the kudos. Looking forward to this journey with ya’ll.
NOTES: any Tuckson in this story is strictly platonic, (even though I lowkey loved them together, RIP Ed Tucker). Also there will be a lot of dates in this story, think of it like a journal in some ways. It helps me move the story along and keep the timeline and I hope it helps some of you keep track of the story as well.
TW for this chapter: flashbacks of sexual trauma/assault, dubious consent, sexual assault.
Scene changes preceded by ‘/////’
Flashback blocks in italics preceded by ‘~~~~~’

Chapter Text

December 9th 2012 - 1PP - 12:15am

Olivia wiped the tears and snot from her face with Tucker’s handkerchief and tried to calm herself before leaving to face whoever waited beyond the interview room.

She’d learned a long time ago that women who survive in Law Enforcement do so with tough skin and no tears and ‘no bullshit’ attitudes. If a woman let even an iota of vulnerability slip in front of a fellow cop, she risked her respect and damaged her own credibility.

So Olivia’s motto was ‘tough with cops, gentle with vics’. And that’s how she thrived at SVU.

She decided it was time to emulate that, at least long enough to get home.

No more tears, Olivia.

She rose from the table, straightened the hem of her strapless red dress, zipped up Fin’s jacket to retain a bit of her dignity and allowed the walls of Detective Olivia Benson to rise back into place.

Showtime.

Exiting the interview room with her chin up, she was relieved to be greeted by her captain sitting opposite the door, legs splayed out in front of him, tie loosened, looking more stressed than she’d ever seen him.

“Olivia.” He breathed out her name reverently. He quickly rose from his place on the floor with a slight groan and crackling knees.

“Cap,” she replied softly, “you didn’t have to wait for me.”

“I did. Of course I did,” he replied, swallowing the emotion in his voice and offering her a small smile, “Let’s get you home, kid.”

Walls still high, she nodded and let him lead the way. Her stiletto heels clicked loudly on the tile floor and attracted the attention of the few cops left in the building. She offered tense smiles to each one if they looked at her, her chin jutted out and eyes forward, daring one of them to comment on her current state.

Nobody did.

Olivia and her captain walked side by side through the winding halls of 1PP, his hand resting protectively between her shoulder blades, guiding her out into the parking garage and away from prying eyes.

The chill December air whipped around her legs and sent gooseflesh rippling up her body, the skimpy red dress of her UC Alias Veronica Barnes doing very little to protect her from the elements. She wished someone had thought to bring her a change of clothes.

The cold settled into her almost immediately. Another discomfort added to her growing list.

Cragen walked briskly ahead of her to open his passenger door. It was a gesture that would have irked her coming from any other cop. But coming from Cragen on this particular night, it felt like a father caring for his daughter after she’d been hurt by one of the world’s evils. That was an experience she’d never had.

Another errant sob stuck in her throat and she swallowed it down.

No tears, Olivia. Not yet.

“Olivia,” he sighed, breaking the silence once they both settled into the sedan, “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am.”

She chanced a look at him and saw pure heartbreak in his eyes. Blinking rapidly, she turned her body toward the window and wrapped her arms around herself.

“I need you to tell me what happened,” she urged quietly, “Why did it take so long to infiltrate the warehouse?”

He sighed tiredly and put the car in reverse.

“The ESU CO diverted the team to another job. Some drug smuggling ring in midtown, a last minute request called in by Narcotics. They didn’t bother to let me know so we were waiting outside of the warehouse for hours before we got any reinforcements. Fin and Nick were ready to get themselves killed trying to go in for you and Elliot. The brass knows that the ESU CO and Narcotics CO are old buddies… They’ll be dealt with, Olivia. This was a monumental screw up. Jobs will be lost over this and it won’t be yours. I can promise you that.” he assured her.

“They’ll want to push me out of SVU. They’ll never let me and El work in the same unit after-”

“ Olivia,” he interrupted, putting his right hand on her left and giving a gentle squeeze, “if you want to stay with the unit, I’ll make it happen. You have my word.”

“And Elliot?” she asked, the question leaving a feeling of dread in her stomach.

He didn’t respond immediately but she saw him tense in her peripheral vision. Her feelings of dread intensified.

“I think he’s going to put his papers in.” Cragen finally said, his voice as gentle as she’d ever heard. The words felt like a slap.

Part of her expected that from the beginning, Elliot’s retirement from the force. The second Compton forced them to undress, the writing was on the wall.

She knew Elliot better than she’d ever known another person. She knew how he viewed himself, who he aspired to be, what lines he vowed he’d never cross. Though his actions ultimately saved them both from a bloody ending, she knew that Elliot would struggle to see his role through a lens of heroism.

He would likely end his career as penance for a crime he never committed.

Stupid, noble fool, she thought.

The idea of working SVU without Elliot was more painful than she could stand to feel at that moment. After nearly 14 years of her career spent side by side with the man, it was impossible to imagine doing the work without him. Unbearable, really.

If he was truly ready for retirement, Olivia would be happy for him. He’d earned it, earned the chance to sleep past 6am, to see Eli off to school, to pick up a hobby or binge watch a show. He earned the chance to be lazy for the first time since he was 17. But she’d wanted him to retire when it was his time, not because he felt guilty or because he felt tainted by something horrific that happened to them. She wanted him to retire with joy. He deserved that.

Olivia resolved to tell him all of it, to make sure he understood that he didn’t rape her, that they were both victims of Compton, that he saved their lives. She’d tell him she was grateful to him for saving them. She’d tell him until he believed it.

And once he believed her, she would tell him to do whatever he needs to do next - to put his papers in, or transfer to another unit, or sue the NYPD and take his family on a nice vacation with the settlement - whatever would help him get through this.

She knew his absence from her daily life would feel like the greatest loss she’d ever experienced, but she would support him anyway and she would find a new normal for herself, no matter the personal cost.

It’s not as if she had no one. She loved the rest of her squad: Cragen with his fatherly guidance and steadfast support, Fin with his blunt, tough facade and a soft spot reserved for her, Munch with his shitty coffee and ever evolving conspiracy theories, and Nick - Nick who was more like Elliot than either of the men cared to admit.

They were her family, all of them.

But nobody looked out for her like Elliot. Not in her lifetime. Not even her mother took care of her like he did.

“I know it’s hard for you to think about working with a new partner, but I don’t want you to worry about that right now, Liv. The brass wants you to take some time off, at least a month. They’re ordering counseling, they want to make sure that you’ll be alright working with vics now-”

“Now that I am one? Yeah, I expected as much.” She replied dully.

A long beat passed between them.

“I don’t want to push you but-”

“Did you see the tape?” She interrupted, cringing at the bluntness of her own words.

“Nothing beyond the first 30 seconds. I told TARU to put them in a confidential file. Nobody should be able to access them without a court order or clearance from the chief,” he cleared his throat nervously and shifted in his seat, “They will need to be reviewed at some point, is there anything specific I should know before that happens?”

Olivia blew out a breath and rubbed her face with both hands, trying not to dissociate into a flashback of the warehouse.

“I gave most of the details in my initial statement to Fin and my IAB interview but… Compton choked me at one point while Elliot was… while we were- I blacked out. I have no idea what happened after or how long I was down.” She told him, rubbing her tender neck reflexively where the bruises from Compton’s grip were starting to materialize, “I may have forgotten to mention that.”

“Christ.” Cragen muttered.

“I’d rather not know what happened when I was down.” She admitted.

Cragen nodded and cleared his throat nervously before confessing, “I’d like to get you checked out before you go home.”

She shook her head adamantly, “No, Cap, please - just let me go home and take a shower,” she pleaded with him, almost losing the tenuous grip she had on her emotions, “none of my injuries need treatment, just rest.”

That statement did nothing to comfort her captain.

“What other injuries do you have, Olivia?” he pressed cautiously.

She turned to look at him once again and could barely stand to see the concern on his face.

“Nothing worth a 2 hour wait at the ER and the paperwork nightmare it’ll create for you, I mean it.”

He seemed to accept that answer but couldn’t let the conversation die without one final question, “What about a rape kit?”

“ No kit ,” she snapped, the aggressiveness of her words building the tension in the car to a fever pitch.

Alarm bells in Cragen’s head were going off and he fought against his every instinct telling him to drag her into the nearest ER.

Olivia knew she needed to end the conversation before she broke. In a calm, matter-of-fact tone she explained, “It was just El. A kit isn’t going to provide more evidence than the tapes and I cannot deal with that process right now. I just need a shower.”

“Olivia-”

“Captain, thank you for your concern. I promise I’ll be alright. I don’t need a kit, I don’t need a hospital, I’m not going to fall apart. I just need to clean up and sleep for the next 10 hours. I’ll spend the next month going to the shrink and watching crappy TV on my couch and when I come back we can pretend this never happened, okay?”

Please, please, please stop asking me questions.

“Alright, I’ll drop it. You have just under 70 hours if you change your mind, you know that…I’m recommending you see Dr Lindstrom, I’ll send you his contact in the morning. After 4 weeks of sessions and his recommendation, we’ll get you back to work.” He reached over and squeezed her hand one more time before silence fell over the rest of the ride.

A welcome relief for Olivia.

When they pulled up to her apartment building just after 1am, she was only slightly surprised that Elliot wasn’t waiting on her stoop. Usually after a rough case, he would at least make sure she arrived home safely if he wasn’t driving her home himself. This case took ‘rough’ to an entirely new level but she supposed he was too preoccupied with his own trauma to worry about hers.

She couldn’t blame him for that.

“Take care of yourself. I’ll call to check in tomorrow. Get some sleep.” Cragen instructed, the caring tone in his voice bubbling up warm emotion in her chest.

She nodded and exited the car, trying not to groan at the pain between her legs. She had to trek up three flights of stairs to get to her apartment due to a broken elevator. By the time she made it to her door, silent tears were clouding her vision.

Within seconds of her entering her home, she yanked the dress off over her head, unclipped the strapless bra and tore down her panties. Each movement brought attention to new aches and pains. She was sore in muscle she didn’t know existed.

She threw all three soiled garments into a trash bag, tied the end and tossed it into her closet on the off chance the clothes would be needed as evidence.

She doubted they would. Compton would be going down for trafficking and sexual assault of countless others. She didn’t expect the DA to tack on charges for what happened to her and Elliot, especially since they’d been undercover operating as a married couple. Barba would have a hell of a time convincing a jury that she and Elliot did not know exactly what they were getting when they walked into the warehouse.

With the offending clothes off of her and out of sight, she helped herself to the hottest shower she could stand.

“Fuck,” she hissed as the liquid burned her skin. She grabbed her body wash and squeezed an excessive amount onto a loofah, lathering it for only a moment before gently washing between her legs. Just the slight pressure brought a heavy ache and thoughts of the warehouse flooded her mind.

~~~~~

“Police! Get down, everyone get on the floor, put your hands where we can see them.”

Within seconds of those words being spoken, a firefight ensued between ESU/SVU and Compton’s crew. Elliot and Olivia - both unarmed and out of it from their ordeal - ducked under the bed to take cover as the warehouse erupted in gunfire.

They lay flat on their bellies, side by side under the bed as he whispered to her, “It’s all on camera so we’ll have to be honest about what just happened, Liv. Don’t lie to protect me.”

She wanted to ask what he meant but merely nodded instead, unable to form words at that moment. She’d barely woken up from being choked unconscious before all Hell broke loose.

Elliot reached over and grasped her hand in his. He was trembling and clammy, cold even. She recognized that his adrenaline was high, hers was too. She smoothed her thumb over his knuckle in a calming gesture.

“When you passed out, I thought you died. That was the scariest moment of my life.” He whispered harshly, wiping a tear from his cheek with his free hand.

“I’m okay, Elliot,” she murmured back, ‘We’re okay.”

He didn’t say another word, just held her hand and waited to see if they’d walk out of that godforsaken warehouse.

What felt like hours later, the gunshots ceased and a familiar face appeared at the side of the bed. Fin extended a hand out to her, an unusually gentle smile on his lips, “it’s safe now, let’s get you out of there, Liv.”

She took his hand and let him pull her out from under the bed. She let him place his jacket over her shoulders, let him inspect the cut on her face from where Bellemont backhanded her with nails sharp enough to draw blood. She uncharacteristically let him pull her in for the briefest of hugs and to whisper, “you’re alright, we got you.”

She hardly noticed when Elliot crawled out from under the bed and dusted himself off absentmindedly, walking away from them without a glance.

She stood in that bloodied warehouse, chaos around her as Compton’s crew was gathered up in cuffs - her arms hugged to her chest, the remnants of the assault soaking her panties, finger- shaped bruises forming on her neck where Compton choked her.

Forever changed with Elliot, by Elliot.

And he just walked away.

~~~~~

She cried in the shower until there were no tears left in her, until hunger and pain and exhaustion brought her to her knees and the hot water pounding on her back ran lukewarm.

She thought of her mother and felt close to her for the first time since she was a little girl.

After squirting soap onto her loofah for the 5th time and scrubbing her flesh raw, she wrapped a towel around her head, one around her body and collapsed on her bed like that, sleeping until 10am.

No calls or text came through from Elliot.

/////

No stranger to the most tragic and heartbreaking parts of life, Olivia did what she always does when the pain comes calling - she focused on the things she could control. Went to therapy three times a week, deep cleaned her bedroom closet for the first time in over a decade and ordered takeout from a new restaurant almost every night of the week.

Elliot never reached out but that didn’t stop her from trying to make contact.

December 11th 2012 - 3:11pm