Chapter Text
For someone who’d been up so late last night, Pendergast was up at the crack of dawn, as usual. Soldiers didn’t sleep heavily—really, neither did men who might die at any moment.
He glared out of the window of the barracks; Turbish and Mertz were being stupid in the courtyard, and there was no one there to whip them into shape. If only he hadn’t… if only she hadn’t…! This is what came of breaking the rules! He slipped up one time, and he’d be lucky to keep his head, let alone his job.
He was startled out of his reverie by the door swinging open.
“Your Majesty.” He hadn’t formally bowed, 90 degrees style, to Zog in years. He hadn’t really had to.
“Walk with me, Gast.” Zog said.
So. He was back to Gast—awkward, gangly squire.
Zog was silent for a few minutes as they both walked, backs straight, arms behind their backs, watching their surroundings. You can’t just stop being a soldier.
“You know, in many ways you’re the son I never had.” Zog began.
“You… have a son.” Pendergast pointed out. “Your son isn’t even that much younger than Bean—”
“Shut up, this isn’t about Derek. Derek’s… Derek was fine stuck in a tower by himself for five months. Also, don’t call my daughter Bean, I’m still mad at you about that.” Zog huffed. “Where was I?”
“You said I’m like a son to you.” Pendergast replied.
“Yes. You’ve been with me for… what, 5 years? You’re a good kid, Gast. You made a mistake, I get that. You’re lucky I like you, or I wouldn’t consider it a mistake.” Zog narrowed his eyes.
Pendergast nodded quickly. “Yes sir.”
“How long, Gast?” Zog sighed. “’Cause when you first came to court, I didn’t think you liked her much. You avoided her.”
“She was fourteen. She was annoying.” Pendergast protested.
“You were seventeen.” Zog mimicked. “You were just as annoying, and worse, had never been around a girl near your own age before. How long, Gast?”
“Since the uh… let’s say the incident with the giant, I guess? If I had to pick a date. That whole thing was… she’s something else. Sir.”
“…I’m going to count the five months of being turned to stone.” Zog said. “So, I’m going to guess she knows, and you two like each other. That’s good.”
“Well, I… it’s more complicated than that.” Pendergast protested, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.
Zog scowled at him. “You took my daughter’s virginity, Pendergast.”
“That wasn’t… I didn’t mean to! I didn’t realize…” Pendergast trailed off.
Zog sighed. “I know, it’s awkward. Truth be told, we’re lucky it didn’t happen earlier, with someone not as nice as you. Do you know why I called you to court, five years ago?”
“You needed a squire in the Lemon Crusade that you were going on.” Pendergast said.
“Yeah, but I always intended for us all to come back.” Zog pointed out. “I picked you because you seemed like a good kid. A good fighter. Reminded me a bit of myself, back when Yog was set to inherit. You and Bean were about the same age, I figured you two might make friends. Didn’t expect it to go this far, but that’s not the point.”
“I didn’t know.” Pendergast said.
“I know you didn’t know, that’s why I’m telling you.” Zog snapped. “You’re a lot like me. That infuriates her sometimes. But you’re enough of yourself to make it work. Word of advice, if this wedding thing goes through, be a friend to her. Take it from a man who has two ex-wives who hate him.” His moustache drooped.
“Sir, what happened with Queen Dagmar wasn’t your fault.” Pendergast offered. He didn’t comment on Oona.
“I know that! I’m telling you so you can have a good marriage, and make my daughter happy. That’s going to be your job now—being her friend, making her happy.”
Pendergast fiddled with his hands nervously, a habit from when they were in the Lemon Crusades and he’d had armor too big for him. It didn’t matter that he didn’t have gauntlets on right about then, wrong size or not.
Zog recognized it. “See? There’s some good old Gast stuff. Spit it out, kid.”
“What if I can’t make her happy?” Pendergast blurted out.
Zog’s face turned sad. “That’s not your fault if you can’t, as long as you try. She likes talking to you.”
“Sometimes she doesn’t. She can get… if I say things like, ‘you’re a woman, you’re not invited to council sessions’, she gets angry. She challenges that. Do I follow the natural order of our world, or...?” Pendergast had moved to pulling on his cuffs.
“Yeah, nice to see you’ve met Bean.” Zog snorted. “Look, Beanie’s usually right. But, on principle, she still needs to be able to defend her position. Don’t give her too much shit, don’t take none either. That’s the kind of thing that happened with Dagmar.”
“No offense, but I don’t want to… be like you and Dagmar.” Pendergast said.
“None taken. Dagmar’s a witch who turned my kingdom to stone and kidnapped my daughter, and I was the idiot too blind to see it. Bean’s not her mom. She’s too direct—too… in your face. She gets that from me.” Zog chuckled wetly. “But I’m sayin’, don’t be afraid to argue with her, just ‘cause you’ll be my son in law. Although, if you raise a hand to my daughter, I’ll chop it off. Capische?”
“I’m not going to hit her.” Pendergast spat.
“Good kid.” Zog clapped him on the back. “I mean, I knew you wouldn’t, given the uh… anyway. Thought I might as well say it.”
“So you’re not feeding me to the crabs?” Pendergast said, somewhat sarcastically. A fond sarcasm.
“Not yet.” Zog said. “Don’t make me regret that! But... like I said, there are a lot worse options out there. I’m sure you’re aware of a few.”
“Merkimer.” Pendergast pointed out almost immediately.
“Hey, don’t knock Merkimer. He was my only company when Bean and her weird cat and elf companion were gone for five months and everyone was turned to stone. Besides, being a pig seems to have made him a more decent guy.”
Pendergast crossed his arms—which at least got him to leave his sleeves alone. “I’m sure he is.”
“Gast, why even… oh, geez.” Zog passed a hand over his eyes. “This is what about what Odval said last night, isn’t it? You’ve been sitting in there, nursin’ your wounded ego? C’mon, Gast, pull it together. It doesn’t matter to me—and it clearly doesn’t matter to Bean—if you’re not a freaking prince. You’re not lesser for not being one. I mean, you are, that’s the point, but you’re not lesser, y’know? No point bein’ bitter over something that doesn’t matter. Besides, you’re doing a lot better than Merkimer. You’ve got… human legs… the ability to have sex with human women, even if it is my daughter… friends… your brother’s not dead… okay ignore that one. You’ve got a job, a salary… uh… parents?”
Pendergast glowered at him.
“Right, ignore that part too.” Zog scratched the back of his head. “Geez… I didn’t want to bring out Prickly Pendergast today, y’know? I just wanted to have a heart to heart with my future son in law, I didn’t mean anything by it. I wanted to talk like before.”
“Right.” Pendergast replied. “Like before. Nothing’s changed since then, after all.”
“Don’t sass me, Pendergast. I may rethink the crabs.” Zog warned. “You wanna know something? You hide behind your defense mechanisms, ‘cause without them, you kinda have a tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve. I dunno, maybe it’s just ‘cause I already know that deep down, you’re still kinda a scared kid and you know you can be honest with me.”
“I’m not scared of anything.” Pendergast spat.
“Yeah, yeah. I remember that whole spiel. I also remember it ended with Bean knocking you flat on your ass unintentionally five years ago.” Zog said. “Oh yeah, honesty’s also good in a marriage. And like… feelings… and shit. I don’t know.”
“Oona?” Pendergast guessed.
“No, actually, it was Ursula. My uh… my lady bear lover.”
There was silence for a minute. “Wait, she was an actual bear?”
Zog clapped a hand on Pendergast’s shoulder. “Don’t ask questions. Go get your armor on—make sure that your idiots don’t kill each other while you’re not looking. Maybe we’ll all just pretend this never happened. But if she tries to run away again, I’m not sinking time and resources into tryin’ to force another wedding on her.”
Pendergast had no doubt that she, the elf, and the weird cat would probably be happy to live in the Enchanted Forest for the rest of their lives. They wouldn’t be long lives, but that probably wouldn’t stop them. He put on his armor, and went to corral Mertz and Turbish before they could do something like fall through an open Zog-trap to the ocean below. (Never forget Johnson and Johnson and Johnson—all three idiots fell through the obvious hole in the ground, or had potentially jumped, no one was quite sure.) He was never unaware of the fact that he had this job for two incredibly similar reasons; 1) he was the smartest of Zog’s knights, 2) he was the longest lasting of Zog’s knights. Or the Knights of the Zog Table. Whatever.
“Turbish! Mertz! I thought I told you two that if I’m not here, you’re supposed to practice hitting each other with the wooden swords.” He barked.
Turbish and Mertz exchanged a look.
“Where are the wood swords?” Turbish asked. They were right behind him, as always. As always, Pendergast didn’t point this out.
Mertz looked at the sky. “Where were you? Usually you’re here before now.”
“Ohhh, right! Yes, we already practiced.” Turbish said.
“It’s not late enough in the day that I’m ready to believe that.” Pendergast huffed. “And I was talking to the king, Mertz.”
“Oh, about the thing with Princess Bean?” Mertz asked innocently.
Pendergast glared at him. “What thing with Princess Tiabeanie?”
Turbish looked like he was trying to remember something, which was very bad. That meant that gossip had reached Turbish, of all people.
Mertz pressed on, since he was a different kind of stupid. “We just heard something about you and the princess…”
“Mertz, nothing happened, and I wouldn’t tell you if it had.” Pendergast snapped. “And if you have time to gossip, you two have time to run laps around the courtyard.”
“Aww.” Turbish said. “In full armor?”
“Yes in full armor! How would you expect to run in a battle if you can’t run around in ideal conditions!” Pendergast leaned against the wall to watch these last two idiots work themselves into shape.
Bean finally woke up, dressed, and headed downstairs. “Hey, Bunty!” She said, grabbing a bun from the kitchens. “How’s Stan? Any uh… new work?”
“No one in particular.” Bunty said. “Just the usual criminals. Democratists, tax evaders, that sort of thing.”
“Fair enough.” Bean said in between bites. “Uh… where’s my Dad?”
“I think he’s holding court.” Bunty said. “Though far be it for me to track the movements of a king—could you imagine?” She chuckled to herself as Bean slipped out of the room. She was still munching the bun when she reached the throne room. She waited very patiently—okay, not that patiently, but as patiently as she could until Zog said, “You’re all dismissed for the day. Except you, Beanie.”
The peasants filed out.
“So… what’s uh… what’s happening to Pendergast?” Bean asked, trying to remain casual.
Zog shrugged. “Nothing’s happening to Pendergast. I can’t really afford to execute the guy for one mistake—who’d lead my guards then? The stupid blond one? The brown-haired idiot?”
“Oh, okay. Did he say it was a mistake, or…?” Bean trailed off. “’Cause, I kind of spent last night psyching myself up for marriage, and I decided, is it so bad? I mean, if I get to stay here and basically have nothing change?”
Zog raised both eyebrows, feigning interest.
Bean pushed on. “’Cause, you know, I might be pregnant.”
“That won’t work a second time, Tiabeanie. Your hymen may be gone, but given what you yourself described yesterday, that doesn’t anatomically work.” Odval huffed from behind the throne.
“Well, I don’t know where babies come from.” Bean said defensively.
“Yes, you do.” Zog huffed. “The wedding’s still on, by the way.”
“Oh, great! I mean, oh no… marriage…” Bean said weakly.
Zog sighed. “Odval, could you give us a minute?”
Odval bowed and melted away into the shadows.
“What are you doing, Beanie?” Zog asked.
“I’m getting married, isn’t that what you wanted me to do?” Bean pointed out.
“Bean, why are you going along with this? What I want you to do, and what you actually do, are usually two different things.”
Bean fidgeted. “Well… I don’t have to change who I am for this.”
Zog patted the chair that she normally sat in, and she joined him. “Beanie, I’m going to deny it if you ever tell anyone I said this, but if this isn’t what you want, don’t do it. It’s not fair to you or Pendergast.”
“Nothing has to change for him either!” Bean said quickly.
Zog patted her head. “I think I get it now. You don’t want to grow up, do you Bean? I always thought you’d be happy to leave childhood behind—yours was kinda sad, kid. Things have to change, unless you have a good reason why they shouldn’t.”
Bean thought of the knife in her room. “No, you’re right, I messed up. There should be consequences.”
“That’s real mature of you, Bean.” Zog leaned back in his chair. “Listen, Beanie, how do you feel about Pendergast?”
“He’s… brave.” Bean tried.
Zog scowled. “Not what I want to hear! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but what you actually feel. I’m not going to let this go through if you just lead the poor kid along, he deserves better than that.”
“Wow, Dad, I didn’t know you and Pendergast were that close.” Bean said.
“There are lots of things you don’t know. Latin, for example.” Zog pointed out, before motioning for her to continue.
“He is… he can be so infuriating!” Bean began. “He’s just like you, and Odval, and every other guy in this kingdom! He can be so patronizing about it too! He’s… he’s not boring though. He’s kind of fun, when you’re not around, and he doesn’t have to focus on being such a dick. And… I don’t know, I guess he challenges me? I challenge him too. It… wow, do we make each other better? Huh, I always thought I was at my best when I was really drunk. Like not so drunk that I black out, but after I vomit a bit. That’s when my headspace is—”
“Bean, shut up about being drunk.” Zog ordered, before rubbing his temples. “Right, so you’re in love with Pendergast.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am not in love with Pendergast. He follows the rules, and I break them! He’s kind of a dick!”
“And you’re kind of an asshole.” Zog pointed out.
Bean shook her head vehemently. “Love is a really strong word, Dad. I mean… I like him. When he’s not being annoying that is. I’d like to get to know him better.”
“That’s better than I ever thought you were going to get, if I’m being honest. God—or Gods—I am so good at bringing random children to the court to make my children happy. Remind me to find someone similar for Derek, wouldja?”
“What do you mean?” Bean asked.
“I’ve gone over this already, but I guess here goes; I thought, years ago, you and Pendergast could be friends. He’s a good kid, you’re a good kid. He’s your age.”
“Dad, he’s three years older than me.”
“I know! All this time, I thought you’d marry a man in your forties, and you might be lucky to be a second wife, maybe even a third!” Zog chuckled. “But if both you and Pendergast are happy with this, then you’re legally his problem, not mine.”
“Nice, Dad.” Bean crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair.
“Look, Bean, there doesn’t seem to be any perfect solution. I mean, unless your hymen is intact.” Zog chuckled, because chuckling was easier than reconsidering dropping Pendergast into the sea. He was going to root for these kids, dammit. “But I need you to understand that if you go through with this, things are going to fundamentally change. Not completely. Not all at once. But he’s not an escape from the dungeon card.” (Zog had rescinded that card after everyone and their mother pulled one out at inopportune moments. Mostly, he had rescinded it through dropping them into the sea.)
“I know.” Bean said petulantly.
“Do you? Because if you’re going to freak out and have a scene, I’d rather get it over with now to spare the shame.” Zog huffed. “I’ll make sure the idiots are on the gate, you can take your weird little friends, and go running off into the forest. You don’t have to come back. You can stay free out there.” Zog was a firm believer in covering all bases.
Bean’s mouth twisted in indecision. “No. I don’t want to leave Dreamland, that’s… I just want something to stay the same. Something to stay safe. It just seems like wherever I look, I’m losing stuff, or I’m realizing it was bad all along, and I feel guilty for it.”
Zog patted her gently on the shoulder. “That’s why I got rid of everything that reminds me of Dagmar.”
“Well, I mean, you didn’t get rid of me.” Bean pointed out.
Zog scowled. “I’m considerin’ it. If the nuns would take you back, you’d probably already be headed out that way.”
Bean laughed nervously. “So, uh, when’s the wedding?”
Zog leaned back in his chair. “Well, you see, Beanie, there are appearances to keep up.”
Bean cringed. “Not another huge kingdom-wide wedding in Dagmar’s dress.”
Zog snorted. “Of course not. This is a shame wedding. No, Odval’s looking into whether this is a bride price or a dowry situation—and that’s not even getting into a bride service or dower. Usually, you’d think dowry, but the holy book has some surprising insights that I don’t really want to think about.”
“Wh—can I see?” Bean asked.
“What? Let a woman read the holy book?” Zog squawked. “Out of the question.”
“What about the arch-druidess?” Bean asked.
“Bean, I’m surprised at you. She’s transcended being a woman by virtue of having male power placed upon her. She’s more than a woman.”
Bean raised an eyebrow. “Really, that’s how you’re playing this. What if I just get someone to read it to me?”
Zog leaned back in his chair, and waved at her dismissively. “Good luck finding someone with a penis who will listen to you and can actually read.”
“What about Derek?”
“Hey, no, that’s cheating!” Zog called as Bean ran out of the room. “…wait, why do I even care?”
“…and that’s why I need you to read the holy book for me.” Bean said.
Derek stroked the head of his teddy bear thoughtfully. “Bean, since when do you play by the rules?”
“I… just don’t want to necessarily get the guards called on me right now.” Bean said.
Derek nodded slowly. “Because you and Pendergast had sex.”
“Wh—no! We didn’t!” Bean said quickly. “How do you even know about that?”
“Bunty told everyone.” Derek replied. “I don’t even think she meant to. The whole kingdom knows by now.”
Bean grimaced. “Okay, fine, that’s cool. …can you show me the book now, please?”
Derek turned his attention back to his teddy bear. “Hmm… it’s rare that you come to me asking for help. I could be the bigger person, but…”
“Just tell me what you want.” Bean huffed.
“I want you to be nice to me. And at least one hour of every day I get to hang out with you and your friends.” Derek said quickly. “You don’t even have to be doing anything, but please don’t ignore me.”
“…Okay, that’s kind of sad, so okay.” Bean agreed.
Derek smiled, ear to ear, then lurched forward and hugged her. Bean, taken off-guard, patted his head similar to how Zog had done earlier. Then Derek grabbed her by the hand. “Come on, let’s go to the library.”
“You know where the library is?” Bean asked.
“Yeah.” Derek said off-handedly. “I spend most of my time there, because no one really talks to me since Mama’s gone.”