Chapter Text
She gripped and wrung the steering wheel in her hands as she sat in her parked car in front of her home. The windows had become fogged and the air inside the car had become thick from her constant shaky breathes. She moved one hand from the wheel to place the tip of her thumb in her mouth as she began to gnaw away at her already disheveled fingernail. Her eyes were glued on the window that looked into the kitchen.
There with a little girl with light red hair and eyes that mirrored her own, was her husband. He held a pan in one hand and his daughter in the other. She watched his mouth move, probably explaining everything he was doing to the little girl who wrapped him in her embrace. Ever since his sister had told him how important talking to children was to teach them to have an expansive vocabulary, he hadn’t shut up whenever their daughter was around. Only five and she already knew the meaning of the word lurid and used it regularly. Hayley smiled slightly with her thumb nail still between her teeth at the thought of her daughter spitting out words that should be kept deep in a dictionary. But even the thought of her daughter greeting her with a gapped smile and tiny flailing limbs could not motivate Hayley to enter her suburban home.
She averted her attention back to her husband as she toyed with her wedding band on her left hand. He was just placing his daughter down to the floor and out of frame to Hayley’s eyes. She gazed at his concentrated look as he watched whatever he was cooking in the stove intently. Her heart ached for the days when she’d wake up and see that same expression on his face while looking at a canvas.
She adorned nothing but a white sheet around her body, one hand tapping on her knee to the soft rock that filled the room and her other holding up her face with a burning cigarette in her fingers. She held it a safe enough distance from her eyes so they didn’t burn and water from the smoke. Her attention trained on the man before her with a slim brush making manic movements spreading the pigments around.
“What’s on the agenda today, Botticelli? Another desolate landscape or an abstract look into your deep and wounded soul?” Hayley asked taking a drag and displaying a sly smile.
“With you around I can only ever paint the way you make me feel,” He spoke, not turning to look at her until he paused.
“Utterly depressed and miserable.” He threw her his classic crooked smile and a wink before turning around back to his work.
“I am deeply wounded!” Hayley feigned hurt as she put the back of her hand to her forehead in a dramatic fashion.
“I’m sure you are, love.” He muttered, too focused on his work to fully reply.
Hayley shimmied around on the bed to place her feet on the cold floor before walking to him, cigarette and sheet still in mind as she went over to his easel.
“The next great painter…” She murmured into the skin on his shoulder, pressing her cheek to the middle of his back.
“Niklaus Mikaelson.” She whispered in his ear, the smile evident in her voice.
He placed his brush down and reached behind him and pulled her around to his front.
“Yes, and with you by my side as my queen.” He took the smoke from between her fingers into his own and inhaled. His other hand came to her waist to press her into him.
She watched as the grey smoke left his mouth. There was something erotic around the way it drifted out between his lips and went to linger in the air.
“Mhm.” She nodded in agreement and placed her head under his chin.
“Just you and me, love.” He moved his hand to the back of neck to hold her securely in place.
“Just you and me.”
Hayley was snapped out of her trance by the sound of rain hitting her windshield creating a constant soft noise in her mind.
‘Get out of the car, Marshall. Get. Out. Of. The. Car.’
She started to take deep breathes in through her nose and out through her mouth as she pled with herself to open her car door and walk into the home where her family was.
But she couldn’t.
Every time she thought about her life, she got this horrible feeling of motion sickness wash over her. She felt an instant pang of guilt after every wave because she knew how grateful she should be. This should be everything she ever wanted, and in a way it was. She had a handsome husband and an incredible daughter who she loved with her entire heart. She never knew it was possible to love two people so much until they came into her life.
But there was always a present part of her that wanted to know what her life would have been like if she hadn’t gotten pregnant. If she hadn’t kept her baby, if she hadn’t married Klaus, if she hadn’t dropped out of college.
“Hayley, love, just please open the door.”
She noted he sounded weak and defeated. She felt the same way though her face would never show it. She was still in shock of the little white stick with little blue lines on it lying next to her on the cold bathroom floor
“I’m sorry…” She mumbled, more to herself than him, knowing it was near impossible he ever could have made out her words.
Eventually she pushed herself up and opened the door, knowing that if she didn’t he would never leave. When the barrier opened, it revealed Klaus pushing himself up from the floor to stand in her presence. Her face was emotionless, completely blank as she numbly handed him the white stick in her hand. His face drained of the flush he had gained while pounding his fists against the door as he starred at the small object he now obtained. He barely noticed when she quietly pushed passed him and went down the hallway and shut the door to their bedroom.
This isn’t happening.
She climbed under her sheets still in her jeans and shoes and looked at the ceiling, her eyes glazing over.
Hayley couldn’t decipher time, or her surroundings at this point… her brain barley held the capacity to think in her current state. All she heard in her head was her own voice repeating the same words:
This isn’t happening.
Klaus came into the small dark room, slipped of his boots and sat at the end of the bed where she currently resided complete catatonic. He didn’t want to frighten or anger her but there was one question that was burning to spill from his lips.
“What are you thinking?” He opted to say instead of what he wanted to ask.
She just shook her head, eyes glued to a small crack in the plaster over her.
“Do you want me to call Rebekah?”
She shook her head.
“Camille?”
Once more, her head went left to right.
“Can you tell me what to say then?”
Again.
“Bloody hell.” Klaus whispered harshly under his breath, as he pushed up from the corner of her bed and went towards the door.
“You know me,” Her voice broke the silence in the small room.
“And she speaks…” He said, turning around to face her.
“You know me,” She repeated flatly, “You know I never wanted children. You know that. I never wanted children. I still don’t.”
“You really feel that way? Even now? Because of the circumstances?”
“Even now, regardless of the circumstances.”
He stood leaning his shoulder against the doorway, looking at her body.
“Do I get a say in this?”
“Why do you care? You don’t want children.”
“Well I think I should still be allowed to state my case.”
“For what?” She finally pushed herself up onto her elbows.
“My case for my child, Hayley.” His voice was low and tight.
“You can, but I can assure you it won’t change my mind.”
“Oh, and why is that?” His voice started to raise.
“Because I was under the impression that neither of us ever wanted kids, Klaus!” Hayley snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Well maybe I changed my bloody mind!”
“No, you haven’t! No, you fucking haven’t!” She threw back the covers violently and her feet hit the floor loudly.
“You haven’t changed your fucking mind, you’re just being difficult because you can’t stand that something in out of your power and control!” Hayley jabbed, unable to resist bring an old fight’s subject into this one.
“I hate to break it to you, but this is still very much in my control, because this is my fucking business and my fucking life!” He pointed a large finger in her direction to stress his sentence.
“Yeah, well it’s my life too. I’d be carrying the thing and I’d be pushing it out of me! I’d be the one taking care of it!” Hayley took a step towards him in confrontation.
“And I wouldn’t be? Is this you leaving me? Is that it? Is that why you don’t want this child?”
Hayley couldn’t help but see a flash of panic wash over his face, before his stony anger came back to override it. But she knew him. She knew the thought of her leaving terrified him.
“I’m not-!” She started off her sentence ready to continue their war, but soon realized that this all wasn’t worth it.
Because, after all, she knew him better than he knew himself. Fighting wasn’t going to get them anywhere in this argument. This was a fight they were just reliving with a slightly different subject matter. The underlying cause was always the same: they were both terrified of being left alone.
“I’m not leaving you, okay? You know I wouldn’t.”
“Do I?”
His face was still as cold as ice, but tears rimmed his eyes.
She didn’t reply. She didn’t know how. Hayley knew that one person can only reassure someone so many times. And she could only do her best to reassure Klaus so many time that she wouldn’t never leave. The words become empty and hollow and lose all their meaning after so many times repeating them. Her words became useless years ago, and they both knew that.
So she didn’t say a word. Hayley just walked straight into his chest and rested her weary head there. And Klaus pinned her body to him, like he was afraid if he didn’t she was drift away. Tears dampened her hair and she knotted her hands in the back of his t-shirt.
She ended up keeping her baby, made obvious by the thick translucent stripes on her abdomen. She hadn’t regretted this decision for a moment, but it had drastically altered her life. Hayley watched rain drops race down her windshield and rested her head on her driver’s side window. The fog disappearing in the small section on the glass where her skin touched. She could practically feel his breath on her face just like the night of the baby fight as she sat in her car and reminisced.
At least they fought then.
After Hope was born, the passion- both good and bad, left their relationship. It wasn’t all at once, it was so slow that they had taught themselves that living in uncomfortable silence was normal. They become more distant from one other, some days the only interaction they would have would be shared forced smiles and murmured good nights. Sometimes Hayley would lay awake at night and just look at his back. His steady breathing the only sound she could hear, that and the sound of blood rushing in her ears. The distance had become unbearable even when they were sleeping inches apart.
“Mommy!” A small shrill voice broke through the air.
Hayley’s eyes snapped to where the sound emanated from. Her daughter stood in a blue puppy pajamas and one blue sock, smiling a hundred watt smile at her mother. She wiped the pained expression off of her face to replace it with a happy look for her daughter to see. She reached to the passenger seat and picked up her purse and final opened the door to leave her car.
The cold air pricked her skin and the rain slid down her face as she jogged across the grass to the front door of her home.
“Hi baby!” She gushed, “How are you?”
“Impeccable.” Hope said, showing off a new word her father no doubt taught her.
“That’s lovely.” Hayley said picking her up and settling her on her hip as they walked inside.
“Dad’s making dinner.” Hope announced loudly as they walked into the house.
Hayley glanced through the foyer into the kitchen where Klaus stood looking at them. She felt her heart hurt as she realized his expression was blank and distant. He was looking at her but it lacked any sort of emotion. It lacked anything.
“Yes I am,” Klaus spoke glancing towards his daughter now, “And it is almost ready.”
Hope squirmed from Hayley’s grasp and ran to her father. She watched as Klaus pulled a chair out for her and she hopped up and sat on her knees as he pushed her into the table.
“I’m going to, uh, I’m going take a quick shower. Then I’ll be down to eat.” Hayley spoke, mostly to her daughter.
Klaus just nodded with his back turned to her, stirring something in a pot that sat on the stove. Hayley shook her head and walked up the stairs in a silent huff. Going into her and Klaus’ shared bedroom, she walked into her closet and stripped out of her white button down shirt and black slacks. She grabbed a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt and walked into the bathroom. Hayley shut the door with her hip and locked it behind her. She set her folded lounge wear on the counter next to the sink and then went over to the bathtub. She opened the shower curtain that surrounded the clawfoot tub and turned the faucet, watching water rain down from the shower head perched on the wall. She moved the curtain shut, letting the water run.
She proceeded to walk back over to the sink and crouch down to open the cabinets underneath it. She reached her hand to the back of the cabinet, rummaging through it’s contents until she found what she was looking for. She pulled out a box of tampons, something she knew Klaus would never snoop in, and opened the box. She moved around the products to revel a pack of cigarettes hidden at the bottom. Hayley fished the small pack out and set the box down and pushed herself up to stand.
They had both promised to quit for good after Hope was born, but she had been smoking secretly for two years now. Klaus was never the wiser.
Flipping open the flap at the top of the pack, she placed a smoke between her lips and took out the red lighter that was also in the box. Without looking, she turned on the bathroom fan and lit her cigarette. She reveled in the feeling of the first drag holding it in her lungs before letting it out through her teeth. Hayley crossed her arms and glanced up at herself in the mirror. With her work clothes in a pile in the closet, she only wore a black bra and a matching pair of panties. She rolled her shoulders back and stood up straighter. Turning her body to the side she sucked in her stomach and ran her hand slowly across her abdomen.
She’d always been confident in her body. She’d always been relatively slim and toned, even after she had given birth. But she couldn’t help but see every last small imperfection. How her stomach wasn’t perfectly flat or the slight sagging of her skin on her waist or how her the skin on her thighs wasn’t as smooth as it used to be. Hayley just sighed and walked back towards the bath tub. Next to the tub was a small window, which after she sat in the edge of the porcelain, she opened. It was one of those windows that if you weren’t persistent in opening it, you would probably give up, deeming it not worth the trouble. But Hayley persisted and cranked the small handle and watched the window pane open at a painful pace. Once it was as open as it would get, she leant her temple against the cold tile of the wall beside her and stared outside.
She hated that this was the highlight of her day. Her secret cigarette she would take while pretending to take a shower after work. Blowing smoke out the small window, she toed the frame and ashed her cigarette into the bath tub. Her brain was turning off and her eyes glazed over, trying to relax into this one moment of solace she would get today. It wasn’t that the rest of her night would be full of hectic actions or anything particularly tiring and she would probably have alone time from eight pm until she went to sleep because Hope would be long in bed and Klaus would be doing his own thing. But right now, was a secret on her own time, where she wouldn’t have to worry about what Klaus was doing or if Hope was sleeping through the night or what deadlines she needed to meet at work. She could just turn everything off.
A car drove past the house with the music blaring. Due to the speed of the car and the distance away, Hayley only caught a glimpse of the song, but she recognized it.
It brought her back five years ago…
Tugging at the hem of her dress, Hayley sat on a cold metal bench outside a brick court house. She noted that this truly was a beautiful scene around her. An array of multicolored flowers lay behind where she sat, soaking up the hot sun and the tap water she had just watched a woman pour over them. There was a light breeze running around her, just enough so she could hear the leaves on the trees shake. The sun was full, bright and high, as it was almost noon on this Saturday. Her white dress she was wearing was just above her knees, second hand, and ivory in color with a lace overlay. She fingered a small tear in the lace on her midsection while she watched cars pass by, trying to place the songs that billowed out of them. Her pregnancy was showing now, but only if you stared at her and squinted. It was part of the reason she hadn’t opted for a tight dress like Klaus had suggested.
She was still waiting for him and his brother to come out of the building and usher her in for their nuptials. They had been waiting in line since nine in the morning- wanting to get an early start to this wedding. But apparently, they had terrible timing in every aspect of their lives because there was about seven or eight people in front of them. After five people went and they still stood in the musty court building, shifting their weights from leg to leg, Hayley offered to wait outside for Rebekah to arrive.
“Are you sure? Are you feeling alright?” Klaus had questioned her when she suggested this to him.
She had only nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and the most painfully fake smile she had every wore.
He’d bought it, or so she hoped. She gave the same look to Elijah who stood next to her, and she walked herself outside to the bench where she currently sat.
And like her dress, and the day, it was almost perfect.
Almost.
Because it seemed to her that all dresses have holes in them and all weddings start at court houses with a pregnant girl sitting on the bench outside, hiding her tears by staring at her Mary Janes.
A red convertible soon parked in front of her, and a woman with smooth blonde hair stepped out, apology already coming from her.
“It’s alright.” Hayley said to her, standing to meet her with a hug.
“It’s not though! It’s your wedding day darling, I shouldn’t be worrying you!” Rebekah said.
“It wouldn’t be a Mikaelson family outing without you being late, Beka.” Hayley gave her a small smile, a genuine one this time.
Rebekah threw her a smirk and a playful eyeroll. But upon closer examination of the bride to be, she spoke.
“Are you alright, love? You look pale, do you want me to call someone?”
“No, no. I’m okay. It’s just hot is all.” Hayley brushed off her comment.
“Not getting cold feet, are you? Nik may be my brother, but I will drive your getaway car if you need.” She placed both her hands-on Hayley’s shoulders.
Hayley fought off her tears and shook her head, “No. I’m okay. I just…”
Deep breath, Marshall…
“I love your stupid brother. I do. And we are in this together. This is the right thing to do.” Hayley shrugged.
“The right thing to do is to marry him because you want too and because you love him. The right thing to do is to make sure you’re happy over anything else.”
“But it’s not just about me anymore. It’s never going to be just me again.” Hayley looked back down at her shoes.
She noticed a small scuff on the black patent leather.
“I want you to be happy.” Rebekah sighed, “So this is my final offer. Get in the car with me now and you and I will go meet Marcel in Italy. What do you say?”
Again, a genuine smile was given to Rebekah, “That sounds amazing but I am going to pass. I want this.”
And Hayley actually meant it.
“Hayley?” A voice came yelling from behind her.
Her and Rebekah turned to see Elijah peaking half his body outside of the court house’s entrance.
“It’s time.”
So, Hayley and Rebekah walked arm in arm into the court house, following Elijah. Hayley liked to think of this as Rebekah “giving her away”. Having a dead father and a mother she was estranged from, she liked the idea of Rebekah, the sister she always wanted but never had, giving her away.
They all rounded a corner to see Klaus, leaning against a small wall next to a pair of double doors. At the sight of Hayley, he straightened up and did the same to his suit jacket.
“We obtained a license, and a judge,” Elijah started.
“And now that our second witness has arrived,” Klaus continued for his brother and motioned to his sister.
“We can begin.”
Hayley smiled at Klaus, a real one this time. And he gave her one back. The smile he gave her without showing his teeth where he reminded her of a child. It was one of her favorites.
Rebekah handed Klaus Hayley’s bent arm and he took it with ease and Elijah held the door for all of them to enter.
-
The ceremony was quick and incredibly impersonal when it came to the judge’s speaking portions. He seemed bored with his job, and especially bored with having to marry two people. But when it came to the vows, Hayley was surprised Klaus had written anything.
He pulled a small piece of paper out of his slacks, and unfolded the worn piece of parchment. She didn’t expect to start crying when he began to speak, but she did.
She didn’t expect him to be so kind and thoughtful, and mention her career goals, her love of Fitzgerald and the fact that she could shotgun a beer faster than anyone he’d ever met.
But he did.
She didn’t expect him to get misty eyed when he mentioned their baby.
But he did.
And she didn’t expect him to say what he said lastly:
“No matter what happens in our life, I will love you more than I will ever love myself. And I hope you will let me.”
And they kissed and Rebekah threw rice that she had somehow inquired and the judge scowled, but the four of them didn’t care. Elijah and Rebekah had gained a sister and Klaus had gained a partner in life and Hayley had gained a family.
A real one this time. Not an adoptive one that shunned her when she made mistakes or decided to move away.
One that would love her. And she decided to let them.
So, they all went in the front of the church, and Hayley and Klaus stood next to each other while Rebekah rummaged through her purse for her camera. Out of the corner of her eye, Hayley saw Klaus staring at her. He looked at her with the utmost fondness and like if he looked away from her, even for a second his heart would burst.
And she looked back at him with a look of adoration, and hope. Hope that everything would be okay.
He kissed her then, and she kissed him back while a smile pulled at her lips. The flash from Rebekah’s camera broke through her closed eyes, and they broke away and smiled at each other then back to his siblings.
And for a make shift reception, they went to Hayley’s favorite diner where she ordered pancakes and he ordered bacon and eggs and Klaus bribed a waitress to play Pale Blue Eyes and they danced in the middle of the diner at two in the afternoon. And later that night they went home.
And later. they faced each other lying on the bed, Klaus gripped her face with one hand, his other laying on her hip, and Hayley didn’t have to chant in her head anymore, trying to convince herself with her mantra because she knew,
He loved her.
Hayley hummed the ending of Pale Blue Eyes and firmly wiped away a tear that had fell from her eye. She longed for the days when she knew without a doubt that he loved her. When they would laugh about movies and go out until three in the morning, taking shots and throwing caution to the wind.
She missed when they were young and in love. She just missed when it was simple.
Her cigarette was down to the filter now, indicting it was time for her to leave her sanctuary and go back to her real life down in the kitchen.
Hayley moved her foot from the windowsill to the lid of the toilet. She pushed up the lid, and tossed the cigarette butt inside. She walked to the sink and washed her hands thoroughly a few times to get the smell of smoke off them. She slipped out of her bra as to not to get it wet, then went back to the bathtub and stuck her head under the stream of water from the showerhead. She held her head there for a few moments to make it believable that she had just taken a shower then turned off the tap. Hayley squeezed the excess water from her hair, then finally put on her t-shirt and sweats.
She took one last look at herself. Her hair was soaked and slicked back, the mascara she had applied earlier this morning had run down her face due to the factors of the rain, her tears and the shower water. She tugged at the hem of her shirt and wiped away the streak of black from her face with her knuckle, before turning around, unlocking the door and walking downstairs.