Chapter Text
Eight year old Castiel was half listening to his two year younger cousin, Gabriel, prattling on about his favorite SpongeBob SquarePants episode. They were walking behind their mothers, who had taken the boys shopping for some fall clothes, now that the new school year was about to begin.
Castiels mom had promised him he could buy a new comic book, if he behaved himself and was nice to Gabe. He was thinking about which one to get, while humming along to his cousins babbling, when he accidentally walked straight into something and fell on his butt.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! Are you ok kid?”
Cas looked up into the worried face of a kind looking man.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going…” Cas answered, a bit embarrassed.
“No worries. Here, let me help you get up.” The man smiled at him and offered Castiel a hand. He was just about to grab the mans hand when his mother slapped it away from him.
“What do you think you’re doing?! Don’t touch my son!” His mom looked furious, while she roughly yanked Castiel off the ground and pushed him behind herself.
“I’m sorry, ma’am, I was just trying to help the boy up…” The man tried but was interrupted by Castiels mother.
“I don’t care! I don’t want a Null talking to, or touching, my child!” Cas could see the man flinch. The man blushed and looked down at the ground.
“With due respect, ma’am, there’s no need to be that harsh…”
“Just get away from us!” His mom was shouting now, and people were starting to stop and stare at them. The man held up his hands in surrender and walked away. Castiels aunt put a hand on her sister’s shoulder.
“Come on, Hester. He’s gone now, let’s continue shopping, I still need a pair of shoes for Gabriel.” His mother’s shoulders relaxed and she nodded at her sister.
“Yes, let’s get going. Are you ok, Castiel?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Why did you shout at that man?” Castiel was feeling confused, he had no idea what the man had done wrong.
“Yeah, and what’s a “Knoll?” Gabriel was piping up from behind Castiel. Their mothers shared a meaningful look, and then his aunt gently nodded. His mother sighed.
“You boys know how everyone is either an alpha, an omega or a beta? ” Both Castiel and Gabe nodded in affirmation, although Cas didn’t know the specifics. His parents had told him he was too young to understand all of it yet and that he would find out when he was older, and they’d start teaching him about the subject in school.
“That is called a gender designation, or a subgender. Well, a Null is someone that God does not approve of, and as a punishment they are not given a subgender.” Castiel and Gabriel gave eachother confused looks.
“Why does that matter?” Gabriel asked, and their moms shared another look.
“If you don’t have a subgender, you can’t make out scents the way those who have one can. You can’t tell how someone is feeling or thinking. Worst of all, you can’t scent bond with another person. Scent bonding is crucial for finding the person you will mate and spend the rest of your life with. A Null is destined to live life without a mate, never to feel love.” Castiel felt stunned and looked at his mother with worried eyes, then Gabriel started bawling.
“But…but… I can’t scent those things! Will I…will I be unloved forever?” Gabe shouted as tears were pouring down his face. Castiels mother and aunt looked surprised, then they started laughing, and Castiels aunt pulled her crying son into an embrace.
“Oh, honey, no, that is perfectly normal! You’re just a child! The only scents you can make out is the different ones of your family. Like, how you can scent me and know I’m about to enter your room just before I do. But you won’t be able to scent if someone is angry or sad until you present as a subgender when you’re a teenager.” Gabriel relaxed at that and stopped crying.
“The two of you have nothing to worry about, you’re both good kids.” Castiel’s aunt said and ruffled both their hairs.
“And, God’s most devoted and beloved followers, just might get rewarded by meeting their true mate. That’s a person that is made for you, a soulmate. It is very, very rare though, so make sure you behave your very best at Sunday School.” His aunt winked at them.
“Ok, kids, let’s get you both some new shoes!” Castiels mother said cheerily, and they all started down the street again.
His aunt’s words hadn’t stopped Castiels worries though. He couldn’t scent his mother before she entered his room. But it wasn’t like he couldn’t smell her at all! If he got really close to her, like when they hugged, he could scent her. A null wouldn’t be able to do that, right?
“Cassie! Oh, my GAWD! CASSIEEE!!!” Castiel startled at the shrieking voice of his cousin, starting downstairs, and quickly getting closer with Gabriels thundering footsteps. Castiel turned around from his desk, just as Gabriel threw open his bedroom door.
“I’ve presented!!! Can you tell what I am?!” Gabriel ran up to Castiel, wearing a huge grin on his face, and staring at him in anticipation. Gabriels face was flushed, his eyes shining, and he was sweating profusely.
“Ehhrrm…no?” Gabriel was standing so close that Castiel unconsciously started to lean back in his chair.
“Oh, come ON! You’ve got to scent it at least a little bit, even if you’re still unpresented!” Gabriel impatiently slapped Castiels shoulder. Castiel felt a sting at the “unpresented” bit.
“I…uh…” Castiel didn’t scent anything different about Gabriel, well, he did smell a little bit sweeter than usual. Castiel decided to take a guess.
“Uhm…O-Omega?” Cas held in a sigh of relief at the glee in Gabes eyes.
“Correct! Isn’t that awesome?! Dad is furious!” Gabriel giggled.
“Did he seriously think you’d present as an alpha?” Cas asked with an eyeroll.
“He hoped! But I guess he assumed I’d be at least a Beta. You know how he is about male omegas…” Yeah, Castiel knew how his uncle, and pretty much everyone in their family thought it was pathetic for a man to be able to carry a child.
“I’m so sorry about that, Gabe.”
“Don’t be! He and the rest of our family can shove their beliefs where the sun don’t shine! At least I’ve got you on my side, right!” Gabe winked at him, but Cas knew his cousin well enough to pick up on the well hidden worry in his eyes.
“Yeah, Gabe, I’ll always be on your side.” Castiel smiled at him, and Gabe smiled back, then he suddenly looked weird and stumbled on his feet. Castiel managed to catch him before he fell to the floor.
“Whoa, Gabe! Are you ok?” Cas worriedly asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine. It’s the heat, makes me dizzy. I should probably get back home and lock myself in my room.” Gabriel grinned and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“Euuw, Gabe! I did not want that mental image!” Cas whined as his cousin snickered.
“Whatever, see you in three to four days, Cuz!” Gabriel turned and swaggered out of Castiels room.
Cas sat back down in his chair, staring in front of himself. He was happy that Gabriel had presented, but at the same time it really hurt that his thirteen year old cousin had presented before he did. Cas felt the familiar old unease settle in his stomach. What if he’d never present? He felt almost nauseous at the thought. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. So, he didn’t scent things as well as his other unpresented friends, but that didn’t have to mean anything. Most people presented between the ages of twelve and fifteen, but it wasn’t that unusual for people to present when they were as old as sixteen and even sometimes seventeen. So, realistically speaking, he’d probably present any day now.
At sixteen, and just two months shy of his seventeenth birthday, Cas was still unpresented. His parents had started discussing taking him to see a doctor, but he had talked them out of it, for the time being. He was currently on his way to pick up his girlfriend April. They had been dating for a little over a year, and four months ago she had presented as a beta. When he drove up to her house, April was already waiting for him outside. He smiled at her as she opened the door and sat down beside him, but stopped when he saw the serious look on her face.
“April, is everything ok?” He reached over to stroke her cheek, but she gently catched his hand and pushed it back towards him, making Cas frown.
“I’m sorry, Cas, but this isn’t working.” She turned to look at him, still with the same serious expression on her face.
“W-what are you talking about?” Castiel asked, anxiety starting to rise.
“Us, we’re not working… I want to break up.” Castiel felt as if all air had been punched out of his lungs.
“What do you mean we’re not working? We have fun together, I like you and I thought you liked me too.” Castiel felt pathetic, but couldn’t help himself. April sighed.
“I do like you but… But seriously Castiel, you’re almost seventeen and you still haven’t presented! People have started talking about it, and honestly, it’s embarrassing.” Castiel flinched and felt cold dread settle in his gut.
“You have to face reality, there’s a huge risk that you’re not going to present. And I can’t be dating a… well, a Null. You get that, right?” Castiel didn’t know what to say, so he just stared at her. April sighed again.
“I’m sorry, Cas, but it has to be this way. I’m going back in now, you take care, ok?” April opened the door and stepped out of the car, then she turned around.
“If I’m wrong and you do eventually present, we can always try again and see where it goes.” She gave him a small smile, closed the door and walked back to the house. Castiel felt numb as he turned the ignition and drove away. He kept driving around aimlessly, for he didn’t know how long, his thoughts a jumbled mess. When he suddenly started to hyperventilate, he pulled over to an empty parking lot. He threw open the door and stumbled out of the car, sank down on his knees and tried to breath through the anxiety. After a while his breathing started getting back to normal, only to be replaced by his brokenhearted sobs.
Castiel had been seventeen for three months, when his parents finally snapped and made him see a doctor. Castiel was not at all surprised when the doctor confirmed what his parents greatly feared, and Cas already assumed. The drive home was quiet. His father told him go to his room, as soon as they were inside the house. He was halfway up the stairs, when he heard his mother break down and cry. He turned around to go down and try to comfort her, but stopped dead in his tracks when he heard her speak.
“What have we done to deserve this? Our only child?” His mother sobbed.
“Well, Castiel has obviously done something to anger God. That boy has always been a bit peculiar.” His father’s voice was cold, devoid of emotion.
“I don’t want him in our house anymore!” Cas stopped breathing at his mother’s words.
“Neither do I, dear. But, Null or not, it won’t look good if we kick him out before he’s finished high school.” His father sounded regretful.
“You can’t be serious, Zachariah? We can’t keep living with that…thing!”
“Unfortunately, we have to. But we’ll set up some new ground rules, as to make sure we have to have as little as possible to do with him.”
“Fine! But as soon as he graduates, I want him out of here!”
“Of course, Dear.” Castiel couldn’t keep listening, he turned around on shaking legs and continued up the stairs to his room.
Four months later, Castiels mother still hadn’t spoken to him since the day of the doctors appointment. His father only spoke to him when necessary. Everyone at school now knew of his Null status, one after another his friends had stopped speaking to him. His teachers didn’t call on him anymore, except for his art teacher, a beta named Mr. Roché. Mr. Roché treated him the same way he always had. Gabriel had tried to see him for the first two months, but his parents had figured out all the ways he could sneak out and now kept a close watch on him. The isolation and loneliness were steadily sinking Castiel into a deep depression.
The tipping point came one day when Cas was eighteen. His father knocked at Cas’ door and told him his mother was having another baby.
“God has blessed us with a new hope! This is His way of telling us we did nothing wrong as parents! You are, of course, forbidden to come close to the baby when it is born. I will try to arrange so that you can leave this house a few months before your graduation. Please try to stay out of Hesters way as much as possible, I don’t want your presence to upset her and endanger her pregnancy.”
That evening his parents went out to celebrate together with his aunt and uncle. Castiel placed a box cutter at the side of the bathtub, while he was filling it up with water. He took a long look at himself in the bathroom mirror, feeling nothing. No sadness, no anxiety. Just a bone deep weariness, maybe a bit of relief at finally taking the step.
He turned off the water, stepped into the bath and slowly sat down and relaxed. Cas grabbed the box cutter and put the blade to his left wrist, he started cutting, hissing at the pain, but didn't stop.
“Hey Cassie! You in the bathroom? I hope you’re decent!” Gabriels voice rung out just before the bathroom door slammed open.
“Grandma fell asleep “watching” me an…” Gabriel stopped talking as is eyes widened in horror at sight in front of him.
“No…nononono, Castiel, no! What are you doing?!!” Gabriels scream startled Castiel into dropping the box cutter into the water. Gabriel grabbed a towel and threw himself onto the floor next to Castiel, and proceeded to frantically wrap the towel around Castiels bleeding wrist.
“You can’t do this, Castiel! I won’t let you!” Castiel could do nothing but stare at Gabriel, as his cousin was holding the bleeding arm up high, while pulling up his cell and dialing 911. While Gabe was informing someone about the situation and giving them the address, Castiel felt himself slowly drift away, then everything went dark.
When Cas woke up, he was lying in a hospital bed, it took him a moment before he remembered what he was doing there. So, it hadn’t worked. Well, he could try again as soon as he was out of here. Cas looked up as there was a knock on the door. When the door opened, Cas was surprised to see his art teacher, Mr. Roché enter the room.
“Oh, you’re awake, just a moment, I’ll get the nurse!" Mr. Roche disappeared and soon came back with a nurse who asked Castiel a bunch of questions, while checking his vitals. As soon as she was finished, Mr. Roché sat down beside Castiel and took his hand in his own.
“First off, I am deeply sorry you feel so bad you’d do something like this to yourself. Second, I sincerely apologize for not realizing how bad your situation had gotten. Third, I will do everything I can to make you feel better, ok?” The earnest look on the face of his teacher made something crack inside of Castiel, and though he thought he had no more tears left, they started to fall down his cheeks.
After that, Castiel moved in with Mr. Roche – “Call me Balthazar, it’s weird for you to call me Mr. Roché when we live together!”-, his parents more than happy to be rid of him. Balthazar got Cas into therapy and on antidepressants. He also helped Castiel get in contact with a couple of unpresented adult friends of his, to show Cas that being unpresented didn’t mean your life was over. Gabriel managed to sneak over and hang out with Castiel every now and then, and in between he made sure to message and snap Cas, incessantly.
Cas parents refused to help him with any kind of money, and the savings they had made for him going to college, they put away for the new baby instead. Thanks to Cas’ good grades, his talent in arts, and a little help from Balthazar, Castiel managed to snag himself a scholarship, making his dream of going to University possible. Balthazar assured him there were plenty of places where people had a more openminded view on unpresented people, and helped Cas choose a fitting university.
Castiels little sister Claire, was born one month before Cas’ graduation. He wasn’t allowed to meet her, but Gabriel made sure to send Cas lots of photos. Gabe also told him he’d tell Claire all about her amazing big brother while growing up, and that he’d help her sneak out to see Cas when she was old enough. To Gabes credit, he just kept quiet when Castiel hugged him tight, and cried.
Balthazar had been right about there being places where people were openminded and all in all, Cas had a decent time at university. Of course, there were still people who’d act weird around him, but it was still much better than in his home town. His dating life was nonexistent, but he became close friends with a tall, muscular alpha named Gadreel, who’d stare down anyone who’d dare speak ill to, or about, Castiel. Gabriel decided to apply to the same university as Cas and joined him two years later. Cas realized early on that it’d be best for him if he got a job where he’d have to interact with people as little as possible. Even people who were nice to him, would still act uncomfortable being around him, due to his unpresented status. So that’s how he ended up working as a freelance graphic designer when he graduated, and living together with Gabriel in a two bedroom apartment, close to the university.