Chapter Text
I love you till I die
Save me save me save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me save me save me
I'm naked and I'm far from home
The slate will soon be clean
I'll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
-Save me, Queen
The sky was dark, except for the flash of sunlight that hit the room perfectly when you time it right. The snow was falling outside as a thousand feathers had fallen from the sky. Nothing uncommon for a cold December winter in London. When the flash of sunlight would hit the window, it was blinding. But also comforting.
He never did like the winter, too cold and everyone was out and about spreading whatever sickness they had. This winter was different, it was warmer more often but something happened in that winter that changed their lives forever. Luke Deacon lies in the bed, for once he felt safe and secure in the covers and blankets. Luke Deacon, the man who was probably going to be voted for cutest man alive. His long brown hair was sprawled across his face and shoulders from when he had fallen into bed the night before.
He didn't wake up because of the light, it was absences of the thing that laid next to him. He stretched his arms out with ease and moved the hair out of his eyes so that he could rub the sleep out. His eyes were big and brown, everyone always said it was one of his most demeaning qualities. He lifted his head up from the pillow (that had some drool on it) and looked up at the blurry figure that stood by the bed. Ah, it was just this husband.
Rufus Tiger Taylor, world's renowned drummer. His long blonde hair was tied in a messy bun and looked like he had been up for a while now. He smiled at Luke, he had the bluest of eyes that you swear you can see the ocean in them. Luke always liked the way mornings, where he could see a little while an awake up to see Rufus staring at him like they were the only two people on Earth. Even though it seems a little creepy.
He smiled back and then looked at the thing Rufus was holding, it was a baby. It was their baby boy. Meddows Richard Taylor was only a few weeks old, but he seemed to be growing so fast. The top of his head was covered in blonde hair and he showed the same bright blue eyes Rufus had. The little boy smiled at Luke, he had no teeth to smile but it was still adorable.
They usually didn't get up this late, either Meddows was extra tired or Luke somehow managed to sleep through his screaming. He wouldn't be surprised if he did, especially with all the antidepressants he's been taking. “Say good morning to Dada” Rufus talked to the child and waved his tiny arm around like he was waving. To Meddows, Rufus was always papa and Luke was always dad or daddy.
“Good morning cutie” Luke smiled at the pair, it had become so uncommon that he smiled.
“Are you talking about me or him?” Rufus pointed to himself and then at Meddows.
“Both,” he said simply and sat himself up more to stretch his legs. Rufus walked over to his side of the bed and sat down near his waist, Meddows was reaching out for Luke to hold him. Luke always hesitated, the most parent would feel hot but Luke just felt fear. It's not that he didn't love Meddows, he loved him too much. He was scared of hurting him, the doctors called it Postpartum depression.
“Luke it’s okay, I got him” Rufus snapped him out of his thought and still held his out but supported his head and legs while he gently placed Meddows in Luke’s arms. His hands were shaking and he felt like he was going to drop him at any second, but he didn’t. Once he had a tight grip on his child he felt a lot better and smiled at the little boy who didn’t have a care in the world. He felt his son's soft hair and skin, he still had the weird new baby smell on him.
The last few weeks had been hell for Luke and for Rufus. Luke’s father had died, and Meddows other twin Veronica was stillborn. All things that could go wrong went wrong in those few weeks. Meddows had to stay in the hospital for a whole other week, just to make sure everything was okay with him. That meant Meddows couldn’t go home with them, it broke Luke and Rufus's heart.
Rufus nearly broke down in tears when they came home and he found Luke, lying on the floor of the nursey and holding a goose toy. They sat on the floor of the nursery and cried together for what felt like hours. In that week the only time Luke would go outside was the head to the hospital and check on Meddows and Tigerlily, he would spend the entire day there. Rufus would join him and take a picture, Luke even mustered up the courage to post a picture of Meddows with the caption saying “I can now join the dads who make dad jokes club”. They were flooded with congratulations but that seemed to make everything worse, it just reminded the couple that Veronica couldn’t receive all that love.
That week was exhausting and when Meddows was finally able to come home, that was the only thing that made Luke smile. Tigerlily already had a place for herself to live so she would be going as soon as they left the hospital. She made a promise though, to remain in Meddows life and visit regularly. to Meddows, Tigerlily was auntie Tiger but they would have to tell him the truth at some point.
Bean their dog was a little confused when they came home with Meddows. He sniffed and stuck his face in the baby carrier to try and pick him, but Meddows was just giggling the whole time and tried to reach out to pet him. Then they went into the nursery, they had two cribs and one would always remain empty. Luke couldn't cry, he ran out of tears to cry but you could tell he was close. When Luke began to cry then Meddows started crying as he looked at him.
“I'm sorry Meddows” Luke whipped his face and bent down to the baby carrier “daddy just a little upset” and kissed the top of his head. Rufus wanted to take the crib down that night but Luke insisted he didn't want to, Meddows would be sleeping in their room for the first year anyway. That night Rufus insisted that Meddows sleep in their bed, for his sake and Luke's sake. He didn't argue with it. “How did we get such a beautiful baby boy?” Luke held Meddows as they laid in bed, few stroked his hair and face.
“I have absolutely no idea, I love him so much” Rufus smiled and kissed the top of the little boys head.
“I love him too, more than anything” he hugged him like he could be taken away at any moment.
“I love you Luke” he put his hand on his cheek and looked him right in the eyes.
“I love you, Rufus, I'm sorry if i-i” he didn't need to say anymore.
“Luke, there's is nothing you need to be sorry about” he reached over and kissed him, it was so simple but it meant something. This one said, “you're okay, you're not broken at all, your perfect” then they broke apart. “Goodnight Meddows” Rufus kissed his son's head and wrapped his arms around him.
“Goodnight little duckie” he still liked the nickname and was still going to use it. He didn't let go of Meddows the entire night. He wasn't going to ever let go of his perfect baby boy, not like how he had to let go of Veronica.
“How did you sleep?” Rufus sat next to him off the bed and ran his long fingers through Luke's hair to get the knots out. Meddows was looking up at them with a big smile on his face and holding onto Luke's finger.
“Another dream” he answered sadly. Since Meddows birth, Luke had been having the most vivid of nightmares. He didn't remember them but there were a few little things he could recall from them, like a voice talking or a baby crying. He even saw Veronica in one of them. That would usually end with Luke waking up in a cold sweat and waking up Rufus and Meddows with a scream.
Those night Rufus would have to hold Luke down while he was freaking out and trying his best to calm him down, then he would check in Meddows to see if he was okay. “Luke, it's just a dream babe” Rufus held onto his shoulders and held his husband close to his chest and stroked his hair.
“I-ii” he stuttered his word but Rufus just held him protectively, like he would kill anyone who tried to hurt him.
“I'm sorry” Rufus hated thinking of those nights, he held Luke's hand and kisses his wrist. It was the same wrist that had the name “Rufus” tattooed on it.
“Well I didn't wake you guys up this time” he let out a small smile, he was trying to look at the bright side. For his own sake and for Rufus and Meddows.
“Yeah, that's a sign of improvement” he gave him a kiss on the forehead and got up to go get dressed.
“Is it that day?”.
“Yeah, it is” the smile that was on his face a few seconds before was now gone. Today was Veronica's funeral, the would be going to the cemetery. Rufus did most of the planning since Luke couldn't even bear to think about their baby. “A parent shouldn't have to bury their children” Rufus thought, children were supposed to outlive their parents. “Do you want to bring him?” Rufus pointed to Meddows.
“Yes, he needs to see his sister” he was a little hesitant since it was so cold outside but this would be the last time he would get to see her. Sometimes he wondered if Meddows has any memory of her when they were in the womb if he even knew she was there. He hoped he did. Luke dragged himself out of bed with Meddows in hand, still scared of dropping him. Rufus and Luke matched outfits with black blazers, jeans, and black heavy winter coats and scarfs. Meddows outfit was adorable and he was covered with a thick newborn jacket and wrapped in blankets.
“There you go little one” Rufus slipped the little rainbow beanie on Meddows head, it made Luke smile just a little bit. They had to get a new stroller because the one they brought before was fit for twins and it just felt wrong to use it, it was a physical reminder that Veronica was gone.
Veronica had a place in the same cemetery as her grandfather John Deacon, expect she was in the section specifically for children. “You ready?” Rufus asked, turning to Luke as they were sitting in the car, capturing all the warmth they could before stepping out into the cold winter.
“Not really, but we have to do it” he looked over at Rufus with his big sad eyes. Rufus wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms, go home and pretend like none of this was happening. But there was nothing they could do to hold this off. Rufus, Luke, and Meddows were the only ones at the funeral, the press didn’t know about Veronica so they would follow them there. The cemetery was quiet and depressing, and snow was covering the ground.
Rufus pushed Meddows in his stroller as they walked through the fields of graves, Luke walked slightly ahead of them and looked down the entire time. Like he was ready to collapse into himself. They then approached the plack, it wasn't too big. “Veronica Debbie Taylor loved forever and always” Luke read it out loud and fell to his knees in front of it. Rufus took Meddows from his stroller, wrapped him in a blanket and sat next to Luke on the snow-covered grass.
“She had such small hands” Rufus looked the grave and in the corners was her little handprint the hospital took.
“Yeah, cute little alien fingers” he giggles a little bit before leaning his head against Rufus and trying to hold back tears.
“We also have this” Rifis got up from their spot, went to the stroller and came back with the little goose toy. Luke had given it to the morgue and they filled the toy with a box of Veronica's ashes.
“there she is” Luke smiled at the toy and cliches it to his chest, it was the only thing they had left of her. “Do you think he remembers her?” Luke broke their silence and looked at Meddows who was sleeping in Rufus's arms.
“Maybe, but we'll have to tell him someday” that day wouldn't be for a long time but it was a terrifying thought. What were they going to say? Hey, Meddows you have a dead twin sister that we kept hidden from you.
Meddows would be upset of course, because they didn't tell him earlier and the fact that his sister is dead. Luke didn't like to imagine the pain he would go through, knowing that he would never get to meet her, scare a room with her, talk to her. Or do anything with her.
“That won't be for a long time, I don't think he even knows what death is” he ran his finger through the little boy's soft hair. Babies brains where always developing and picking up things, would he remember this conversation? “But we'll have more babies, maybe a girl and we can name her-” Veronica.
“Luke, no matter how many babies we have” he took his hand in his and tries to talk as softly as possible “it will never bring Veronica back”. He started choking on his words.
Whenever asked, Luke would have to say he has only one child. It felt like he was erasing Veronica from his memory. Like she was nothing. In his and in Rufus mind, they had two children.
They didn't care who knew it, or who didn't. They had two children. Veronica has still encased in their memory, and the thirty minutes they spent with her before going back to Meddows. The child they did have needed them. They couldn't mope around.
They would never let Meddows feel neglected because they were busy mourning for the child they didn't have. “What are you scared of?” Rufus spoke and broke Luke's thoughts.
“usually nothing, but now I'm just scared of everything” he answered truthfully, something inside him changed and he didn't know if he would ever feel okay again “What's your fear?”.
“You” he spoke quietly and looked down at the grass.
“Me?” He was confused.
“I'm scared that one day you'll look in the mirror and see yourself as I see you. You'll realize just how amazing you are and that you deserve better than me... I'm afraid that you'll leave” he spoke with such emotions and leaned in and gave Luke a bit kiss.
“I would never leave you, or you” he pointed to Meddows “and child maintenance is expensive” they both laughed as they held hands.
“You ready to go?” It seemed to be getting colder and darker by the minute.
“Yeah, I'm ready” he sounded a lot stronger and he wasn't looking at the ground anymore. Maybe he was healing? Maybe he was hiding how much pain he was in from the whole world. Rufus didn't know, but he did know one thing.
He couldn't face with life alone.