Chapter Text
Caelus is not human.
This isn't a secret to anyone on the Astral Express. Everyone on board had seen, or heard, about how Caelus was created. The very happenstance being caught on video by one of Herta's surveillance cameras.
Caelus is not human.
This isn't spoken about by anyone on the Astral Express. Throughout their journey so far, the closest anyone gets to bringing up what exactly Caelus is is mentioning the stellaron within him.
Caelus does not know what he is.
Caelus is not human, but Caelus is not just the stellaron.
They've seen how stellarons can corrupt. They've seen how stellarons can destroy. The point of their travels is to help planets that are negatively affected by stellarons, afterall.
He doesn't like to think about the dreams he had about Cocolia and the stellaron. The slow descent from the Cocolia of the past to the Cocolia who was willing to allow the death of her home because of a thing just like what's inside Caelus.
Instead, Caelus remains jovial. Though he doesn't know much of the world, having only gained consciousness a little while ago, he likes being happy much more than he being sad. So he jokes, he teases, he rummages through trash, and he ignores the consistent feeling of dread in his stomach.
It was an easy decision. He's not quite sure why others decide to be sad when they could just brush things off. He does his best to pick up humanity's societal cues - he's more careful when he speaks on other's feelings. Caelus figures that if some human's decide to be sad, he would respect their choice. Even if he thinks they're silly for it.
When he, March, and Dan Heng made it back onto the Astral Express after watching Bronya's inauguration he voiced his curiosity.
"I don't understand why Bronya decided to lie about what happened with Cocolia."
He was lying on the express' couch next to Himeko who was sipping on her precious coffee. The others were off in other parts of the train. The woman paused mid-drink before humming in aknowledgement.
"You mentioned that she thought it was best for the people of Belobog, yes?"
Caelus nodded.
"Well," Himeko had began, taking another sip of coffee. "She likely thought telling them the truth would cause an uproar of sorts. It would be difficult to rebuild if the citizens despaired."
Caelus nodded again.
But Caelus wasn't sure he understood.
Why would the citizens be sad?
Sadness only got in the way. It's too hard to move forward when someone is sad. The feeling he ignores in his stomach is probably something similar to that and he does a good job of not paying it any mind for the sake of pushing on.
Maybe it would be more human of them to succumb to the feeling?
Caelus is not human.
Caelus did not understand why humans chose to be sad.
Caelus did not realize that humans did not get a choice.
Until he himself could not make a choice.
Until the constant dull ache of despair crawled out his stomach and into the rest of his body bringing a warm discomforting sensation around his eyes.
Until the warmth around his eyes made them ache and he swears that he could feel a strange wetness pool.
Because Caelus had chosen not to be sad, he had also chose not to put much thought into Kafka. She was one of the few things he could remember before meeting Dan Heng and March. The memories were hazy but they were warm. Her voice was comforting. If he closed his eyes he could practically feel the delicate hand that caressed his cheek before disappearing - before leaving him behind to a future he had no say in.
It was hard not to think about Kafka when she was standing in front of him. Or, hovering in front of him? They're not very sure how the whole holograph thing works. Maybe that's why Silver Wolf kept appearing on the express after their run through the Simulated World.
The point is, Kafka appearing out of nowhere really threw a wrench in his efforts to ignore his problems. There were so many questions he wanted - needed - to ask.
Why was he created?
Why did she put a stellaron in him?
Was he based off someone, something? Or was he just ideas scrapped together by the Stellaron Hunters minds?
Why did she toss him on two feet that could barely walk on their own to bumble amuck?
Why did she leave?
Caelus can't explain why his throat clogs up whenever he wonders why Kafka didn't stay. He knows that he had materialized out of code. He knows he'd only been conscious long enough to know Kafka for barely five minutes. He knows it's silly to hurt.
Back when Himeko offered him the oppurtunity to join the Nameless on the express, they decided (regardless of their actual purpose) that they wanted to help people. They wanted to do right by people like Bronya, like Seele, like all the people in Belobog.
But even still, he wonders.
Why was he created?
Why does he exist at all?
Answers he desires to questions he's too scared to ask. So, when Kafka barely spares him a glance he keeps silent. He stares at her as she glides around the express, her words of Xianzhou Luofu didn't register, and the one time her eyes did land on him he looked away.
Her parting words repeat in his head after her holograph disappears.
"Our destinations may differ, but the orbits will eventually converge."
Perhaps that's why Kafka was so okay with leaving him behind?
Because she knew they would meet again?
Was there a plan made with him, that he wasn't made aware of?
Was that his purpose? To mindlessly follow a string of fate invisible to him alone?
He clenched his fist. In a daze, he watched March leave the cart to speak with the still absent Dan Heng. Caelus' mind was running rampant. A sudden wave of unrestricted emotion smacking him across the face.
What an awful feeling.
They went to Mr. Yang first.
"What do you make of it, Mr. Yang?" He asks the man, who in turn questions Kafka's honesty.
Mr. Yang explains in a calm tone that though the Xianzhou Alliance is small, it is quite strong. It was hard for Mr. Yang to believe that a stellaron would take them down when they have an Aeon on their side.
Considering everything that happened in Belobog, he's not sure that's a valid claim. But, Caelus doesn't voice his concern.
"Either the Stellaron Hunters are lying, or there's an even bigger threat lurking on the Xianzhou Luofu."
Instead of answering, Caelus moves to speak with Pom-pom and Himeko who speaks on how it's the Nameless' duty to verify Kafka's claims for the sake of those who could be hurt if they were true.
Caelus agrees.
But, Caelus is also selfish.
Of course, they want to go to the Xianzhou Luofu to make sure the residents are safe, but even more than that he wants to go to find answers.
They look at the door connecting the train's cars.
March seemed so against going. He's not sure he's seen her like this before. He's seen her annoyed, and frustrated, but never quite angry.
Something about Kafka made is friend angry.
"You should go check on them, Caelus." Himeko places a hand on his shoulder an encouraging smile on her face. He smiles back, albiet more unsure of the expression than he typically is, and nods. Caelus pulls at the edge of one of his gloves, hyping himself up, before nodding again and going.
In the next car, March and Dan Heng are talking. He only catches the end of their conversation before the two turn to him.
March still looks angry, her hands placed on her hips and her eyebrows furrowed.
Dan Heng does not look angry. He also does not look how he usually does, calm and assured. His expression is still relatively neutral but there's a certain tension that's there that doesn't belong. He nods at Caelus barely meeting his eyes, before looking towards the ground.
Dan Heng had never not met Caelus' eyes.
One angry, one wavering.
Two atmospheres following his friends that he had not seen before.
Three if you count the disaster hurricane of feelings within him as well.
It was almost impressive how easily Kafka's appearence stirred up newness in his life. First she creates him, sets him on a course, and then the minute he gets comfortable she stirs it all up.
There's probably a ton of jokes in there somewhere to be made. But, as mentioned before, Caelus has gotten much better at not making ill-timed jokes (even at his own expense) and from the looks on both his friend's faces any joke he made would probably be in poor faith.
He kept his mouth shut.
Instead he turned to March.
"I'm so mad! She just hijacks our communications and then hangs up? So, rude! Caelus, you used to know her, right? Was she always like this?"
Caelus did not know.
Caelus did not remember.
Caelus wanted to remember.
"She was... nice." He mutters thinking back on his vague memories of his creation. Her voice had been so kind. Despite everything he likes to think she was.
"Oh yeah?" March responds doubtfully. "Maybe she really liked you."
There was a brief silence between the three, a slight awkwardness that had never really existed around them before.
"Oh yeah. I just spoke to Dan Heng, here's the deal: we're all gonna vote against!"
Caelus chest clenched. He glanced at Dan Heng who still wasn't looking back at him. They looked back at March who looked like she expected Caelus to immediately agree. The longer the silence between them lingered that heavier it felt.
March's gaze was suddenly impossible for him to meet.
"I want to vote in favor." Caelus replied, practically in a whisper.
He hadn't understood why Bronya and Seele would've ever lied to their people to spare their feelings. He thinks he understands it now.
Caelus had never felt like he was tempted to lie to March before now. Never felt tempted to lie to anyone on the express before now.
"I should've known you'd listen to that Stellaron Hunter. Whatever-" the rest of March's words were lost on them. Static filled his ears and his chest tightened. Her voice was cold and harsh and it was directed full force at him.
Caelus' eyes widened. His eyes warmed.
He seens many of the friends made on his journey tear up before.
Natasha's glassy eyes when she spoke of her brother.
Hook's large overwhelming tears due to the successes of their important Mole missions.
Bronya's silent cries after her mother's death.
But, Caelus himself had never felt an ounce of a need to cry before now.
Maybe it was unfair of him to assume March would understand. He wasn't really good at voicing what he wanted, usually just going and doing whatever anyone else told him to do. He turned to Dan Heng.
Maybe it was unfair to hope Dan Heng would say something. Maybe it was unfair to be disappointed with what Dan Heng said.
"I can't go to Luofo." Dan Heng still would not look Caelus, his arms crossed protectively against his chest.
"You and Luofo have history?"
"I'm forbidden from setting foot on that ship." He continued. "So, if you're planning on going I can't go with you."
Caelus could do nothing but nod.
March did not want to go.
Dan Heng did not want to go.
Caelus wanted to go.
And that was that.
Caelus didn't like the idea of traveling without March and Dan Heng. Despite all the tragedy that happened on Belobog he had had so much fun. He felt very close with both of these people.
But, Caelus was selfish.
He would not argue. The two surely had their reasons. They were his friends so he would accept their stance. But he would not change his mind.
Instead he nodded, and with a deept shuddery breath, he left.
He did not look back at Dan Heng who glanced solemnly at his back nor March who reached out her hand with some remorse.
When it was time for the Nameless to vote, he closed his eyes and put his hand out.