Chapter Text
"I'm pregnant."
That's the opening?
Maya had texted her a few times, she'd even tried calling after her session with Diane, but Carina hadn't responded. At least, not beyond saying she needed more time and that response took days to come.
Maya understood that, she did, and she waited, she had been waiting.
She wasn't sure how she could prove to Carina that she was changing, that she was healing. How could she if Carina didn't want to speak to her? She was so sure that she'd broken through when Carina let her in after she'd food poisoned her. Maya had made herself vulnerable, admitted she was afraid to leave because she didn't know when she would see her again, and even though Carina said she would, she hadn't.
And now, she was standing right in front of her with big news spilling from her lips.
Maya was stunned silent.
Carina had found someone else. That's why she hadn't responded to any of Maya's attempts, she just moved on? But then why did she say she needed more time? Moving on wasn't more time, and Carina wouldn't move that quickly. At least, she didn't think she would move that quickly.
Would she?
She had hurt her wife deeply, but if she was finished with her, she was sure she would have been honest. Carina wouldn't have just kept her hanging on while she was out with someone else.
She was spiraling.
Before Maya could spiral any further, Carina stepped into the apartment and grabbed her hand. "I'm pregnant with our baby."
Maya's brow furrowed, deeply confused.
Had Carina tried again without her?
"The test was a false negative."
Maya gasped, "You can get false negatives?!"
Her shocked exclamation drew a laugh from Carina, who just nodded her confirmation. "I'm afraid so."
"I-" she took a deep breath, forcing herself to ask the question she was terrified to hear the answer to. "I can be part of it… right?"
Part of it.
Did Maya not want her anymore?
Carina wanted to be with her more than anything, she wanted to let that gravitational pull do its thing.
She found her stomach churning with conflicting emotions because she had delayed her response to Maya for so long… and now, now she had broken the silence with a pregnancy announcement she wasn't sure either of them were equipped to handle.
She wished she'd reached out sooner, beyond asking for more time. She wished that they had at least started healing and growing back together before this news. Or, at the very least, she wished she had told Maya she still wanted everything with her, she just needed time to process everything. In hindsight, she realized that to someone in Maya's mental state, she may not have understood that from her request.
The last thing Carina wanted was for her or the baby to be something in Maya's list of things to do or achieve. So desperate to win that she'd fight for something that no longer fit.
Carina understood mental illness and she understood that this decision was one they had made together – they decided to have a child. They tried desperately for this child, they failed so many times and now… But, priorities change and Maya had been through a trauma.
The decisions she made pre-breakdown might not fit the life she envisioned for herself post-breakdown.
"I hope we can co-parent without… trouble?" Carina offered.
Co-parent.
It hit Maya like a cannonball.
Carina still didn't want her.
Not even a child had changed her mind about repairing their relationship. Though, that wasn't exactly what she'd want to turn the dial – she wanted Carina to want her for her, not just because they were expecting a child.
She was so sure they'd made progress after she had food poisoned her.
She'd let her in then, but…
There was no follow-up. Carina told her she'd text to let her know how she was, she did, but she hadn't responded to Maya's efforts since.
It stung.
"Co-parents," Maya nodded, hoping her voice didn't sound as weak to Carina as it did to her ears. "Wait," she paused for a moment. "Does this mean my lasagna didn't poison you?"
Finally.
Vindication.
Carina smiled. "Maybe not, but it was definitely funky."
"I can't believe you can get a false negative," Maya still felt slightly stunned, but opened her arms to hug Carina when she stepped forward. "I'm so sorry you haven't been able to enjoy it."
Carina smiled at that.
Maya wanted to shout from the rooftops that she was going to be a mom, but she wasn't certain about the protocol in this situation. They weren't really separated officially, but they definitely weren't exactly together either. The gulf between them felt bigger than ever, even though this was something that should have brought them closer together.
"I'm so happy," she said it quietly, whispering it into Carina's hair and Carina tightened her hold in response.
Maya really hoped Carina was happy too.
"Have you eaten?" Maya asked, and Carina chuckled as she found herself being led into the kitchen. "I can make you something. Sit," she instructed, pointing to the seat at the head of the table before disappearing into the kitchen, quickly reappearing with a glass of water. "Are you drinking enough water?"
Carina rolled her eyes, "Yes, Maya, I am familiar with how to deal with a pregnancy."
Maya nodded. Of course she was.
She returned with some cold pizza and an apologetic face. "I could make you something, but food poisoning is particularly dangerous for pregnant women. I didn't want to take the risk, thought leftover pizza might be safer. Even if my lasagna wasn't what made you sick."
Carina smiled. She wouldn't insult her by asking where it came from, she chose to trust that she wouldn't offer her leftover pizza from a shit restaurant.
"So," Maya took a seat. "What's the plan?"
She should have expected that. Obviously her Queen of the Clipboard wife was going to want to make a plan.
"You can't spend your pregnancy in a hotel," Maya started. "You could move back in," she suggested. "I can move into the guest room or you can move into the guest room, but it just doesn't make sense for you to be in a hotel now. It's a waste of money, it can't be comfortable, it must make eating healthy a nightmare-"
Carina sighed, "I'll think about it. I'm just not sure- I've been looking at rentals."
Maya gulped.
There wasn't much she could say to that.
It did mean their relationship was far more damaged than she'd thought. Or, at least, that Carina was much further from thoughts of reconciliation than she'd hoped. When she'd asked for more time, Maya hadn't imagined her looking for somewhere else to live.
She realized she hadn't responded and suddenly felt awkward, it was clear from the look on her face that Carina was waiting for a reaction. "Oh," she said. "Okay. Well, whatever you're comfortable with."
Diane had impressed upon her the importance of hearing Carina's boundaries and honoring them. She was trying really hard to do that, but it was a lot – she wanted to fix everything, she wanted to make it up to Carina. Carina deserved her apologies, and she deserved her effort, but if she wasn't ready to listen to those apologies or see Maya's effort, then Maya would have to wait.
"Do you want help looking?" Maya asked. She wasn't crossing any boundaries offering help, was she?
Carina looked at Maya in confusion, "Help with what?"
"Looking for rentals," Maya frowned.
Maya could see continued confusion on Carina's face, and she wasn't sure what to say. All she could do was follow her lead, but what do you do when the person leading doesn't seem to know what she's doing either?
"You can let me know," she offered.
After the difficulty they'd had conceiving, Maya had expected good news to be a big deal. She expected fireworks, she thought there would be a sense of overwhelming joy, that they would fall into each other to celebrate as they so often did. Instead, they were awkwardly eating cold leftover pizza as Maya desperately tried to mend burned bridges.
If only she'd have listened to Carina sooner.
"I want you to enjoy this experience," Maya added. "You should be comfortable and happy and taken care of, I just want to make sure you are."
Carina smiled at that, nodding in agreement. She wanted that too.
~~~
"Carina's pregnant."
Andy's eyes widened as she stood, hands flat on Maya's desk, leaning forward slightly. Maya's face wasn't giving much away. "She met someone else?"
At least Maya wasn't the only one with that intrusive thought.
Maya shook her head.
Andy sighed in relief. "So, she just went ahead and did it without you," she said sadly. As if Maya hadn't already been through enough.
Maya shook her head again. As validating as it was to hear Andy voice her same fears aloud, she would have almost preferred her friend to jump to the correct conclusion quicker. "That last test she took was a false negative."
Andy's jaw dropped. "Oh wow." She was not very good at playing things cool, she was shocked and she couldn't hide it. "So, what does it mean?"
"I have no idea," Maya sighed, sinking into the chair behind her desk, watching as Andy did the same across from her. "I asked her to move back in, offered her choice of the bedroom or the guest room. She asked for more time and I was trying to give her more time, but now we have a baby on the way. I already feel like I'm on the outside."
"Carina wouldn't do that to you," Andy shook her head. "Things might not be okay between you two, but she wouldn't exclude you from the baby's life. You both fought so hard for this."
Maya's head titled back slightly, it was an attempt to hide her emotions but she tried desperately to pass it off as simply stretching her neck.
"You think she would exclude you," Andy commented.
"No," Maya said. "Maybe? I- I asked if I could be part of it and she said she hoped we could co-parent peacefully."
Andy fell back into her chair, disappointment on her face. She knew Maya had been doing well, that she had been working hard in therapy with Diane. As much as that was true, she also knew how fragile her friend still was, how delicate the balance of her mental health was. Andy had watched her trying to process Carina's request for more time, desperate to understand what it meant in the long-term. She'd watched her respect her boundaries and adding a baby to the mix would be… challenging.
"I want to fast-track a reconciliation, and I know that's not the right way to mend our relationship, but I want us to be us again before the baby arrives. But I don't think she even wants there to be an us anymore, Andy. She's been looking for a rental."
Andy couldn't stop the "Oh" from escaping her lips.
"I'm afraid to ask what it means for us because I'm terrified to hear her say we're finished."
"Do you think it's finished?" Andy asked softly.
Maya nodded.
"Is that what you want?" She wasn't sure why she asked, she knew it wasn't what her friend wanted.
Maya shook her head.
"Then don't jump to conclusions until you've had a conversation."
"How-" Maya sighed. "How am I supposed to have the conversation when she asked for more time and hasn't said anything to suggest she's ready. We're having a baby, that has to be the focus, right?"
Andy shrugged. "I don't know. If you remember correctly, I left my divorce papers in your freezer."
Maya laughed, glad to have even a brief distraction from the heaviness in her heart.
"Just be patient, like you have been, and do your best to be there for Carina," Andy offered the best suggestion she could come up with, though it sounded pretty shit now that she'd shared it aloud.
Maya nodded, obviously thinking about what she could do to deliver.
~~~
When Carina walked into her office, she expected to perhaps find Amelia Shepherd lurking, but she hadn't expected for her to be sitting next to Miranda Bailey.
"Okay," she laughed nervously. "What are you both doing here?"
"Cut the crap, Carina," Bailey said immediately. "How did it go with Maya?"
Carina raised an eyebrow as her gaze shifted from Bailey's impatient face to Amelia's amused one. She knew her friends were invested in the outcome of her marriage, but she hadn't realized just how much Bailey would get involved. After Maya's lasagna delivery, Miranda had been a vocal supporter of her wife. She'd heard from Ben just how much Maya had improved and the growth she'd shown. She also knew Carina wasn't ready to see it, maybe she was refusing to see it.
"It went fine," she shrugged. "She didn't say it, but I'm pretty sure she thought I'd moved on with someone else."
Bailey gasped and Amelia's eyes widened.
"Or, at least maybe that I'd had fertility treatment without her? She had the most devastated look on her face, but when I told her our last test had been a false negative, the relief on her face was instant. She… seemed happy with the news."
"Well, of course she is, Carina," Bailey said through gritted teeth with narrowed eyes. "She loves you."
"And she's been working really hard to show you," Amelia added.
"She didn't bring up our relationship, she just invited me to stay in either the main or guest bedroom."
"Okay? Isn't that good?"
"Yeah," Amelia nodded, "She wants you close."
"I thought she'd try to fight for us?"
"Uh," Amelia wasn't sure what to say to that.
"You asked for time," Miranda reminded. "She's giving you that, and Maya is… literal. If you don't tell her you're ready to unpause whatever is going on, then she is going to keep respecting the boundaries you set."
Carina nodded. She already knew that. "She asked if she could be part of it."
Miranda winced, but Amelia managed to school her reaction.
"Because she's respecting your boundaries and she doesn't know where she stands," Miranda offered. "You have to tell her where she stands."
Carina nodded. "I don't know where she stands."
"But you told her she can be part of it, right?" Amelia asked, suddenly concerned, sitting up straight ready to fight for Maya.
"Of course I did! I told her I hoped we could co-parent without much fuss."
Miranda groaned and Amelia sighed heavily, throwing herself back against the couch. "Co-parenting is what people do after they split up," Amelia squeaked. "When you're together it's just parenting!"
Miranda squeezed Amelia's arm, hoping that would shut her up. "Do you consider your marriage over, Carina?"
"I don't know!" she threw her hands in the air, more frustrated now than she had been when she walked into this ambush. "I don't know," she said more calmly. "How am I supposed to know?"
"You'll never know if you don't give her a chance to prove herself to you!" Amelia scoffed.
Carina huffed out a sigh. "I wanted to do this without the complication of a child in the mix!"
"Well, it's too late for that," Miranda said with a shake of her head. "So, figure it out!" she offered, disappearing out of Carina's office without so much as a goodbye.
"Would I be stupid to get a rental when Maya wants me to move back in?"
Amelia shrugged. "If she herself offered you a choice of bedrooms, I think staying under the same roof is probably the best way to heal your relationship and you get the support during pregnancy."
Carina nodded. That was true. She was pregnant, yes, but it was her child with Maya and Maya would want to be part of that, right? She'd asked to be part of it. Isn't that what she'd meant? Carina was lost in thought, forgetting that Amelia was even still in the room. The knock at the door snapped her out of her thoughts and her eyes flickered to the door in confusion as she saw Maya appear through the small crack. She stood, concerned that Maya was at the hospital for health reasons. "Is everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah," Maya nodded, stepping fully into the office, a tote bag slung over her shoulder. "Oh," her eyes fell on Amelia who was watching on with great curiosity. "Hi, Dr. Shepherd.'
Dr. Shepherd?
"Uh, hey Bishop," she responded, tilting her head as she looked from Maya to Carina.
"I just thought you could use a healthy lunch," Maya offered, placing the tote bag on Carina's desk, unpacking it one container at a time. "I know you hate the cafeteria food so, I figured-" Maya looked up and grimaced at the concerned look on Carina's face. "Don't worry, I didn't cook any lasagna, even if it didn't food poison you… you didn't think it was very good. So, I brought you a pesto pasta salad, some grilled chicken, a leafy green salad, some dark chocolate, granola bar, salad dressing, water, melon, carrot sticks, and some pretzels because I know how much you love to crunch."
Amelia shoved her hands in her white coat pockets, smiling as she edged closer to the door. She slipped out without either of them even noticing she had still been in the room.
"Thank you," Carina smiled. "So, um. I'm glad you're here actually. Now that I've had time to think about it, I think it would probably be better if we were under the same roof. Just in case," she added hastily. "I'll be fine in the guest room," she nodded, unwilling to admit she wasn't quite prepared to face the bedroom they'd shared.
"Oh, okay," Maya nodded. "I will-" she turned towards the door. "I'll prepare it for you then, I stored the treadmill in there, so I'll need to move some things around. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything."
Never had a truer word been spoken.
"I guess I'll see you at home then," Maya offered, hand on the door, the smallest smile on her face. Carina just nodded, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in her chest.
Maya closed the door quietly behind her and couldn't resist the smile on her lips, walking down the halls of Grey Sloan with a pep in her step that had been sorely missed.