Chapter Text
It came to Zagreus. Tiny little thoughts, creeping into him. Do they even want him here anymore? Everything came to a halt when he recalled the events that unfold before this run. Forbidden to even step into the lounge, or that’s how it felt anyway, when Meg and Than look at him with indifference. ‘It’s private conversation Zag’ they said, he is not welcome to join in.
Not even a hi or anything at all. Things truly hasn’t been good lately, but alas, it is not the time to ponder. So, he mindlessly took on Aegis and dived into another round, because what’s better than going on a rampage on his father’s realm? Pissing him off is a bonus, but he needs to get out, find his mother. Focus. He says to himself, faint laughters ringing in his ears.
Talking with Meg was always fun. Words with playful tones dancing beneath it, a bit of spice, a bit of sharp edges. They would bask in banther, Zagreus acting bratty, while Meg would remain the same, and took control. It’s nice really, a welcome distraction from his failures and very not fulfilling life. Not that his feelings for her were not real, but he’s young and learning, and his anger, festering deep within.
He misses it, he misses bantering with Meg, with all that she is. That tenderness behind those sharp words, and the rare moments that they would share. Not that there’s any of it now, it’s just hatred, and disappointment, at least that's how it looks like. They broke up, Zagreus trying to go to the surface, Megaera stopping and killing him under his father’s command. He wishes he could go back to when they’re just fooling around, a bit of pain, a bit of pleasure. Basking in her attention, and relieving in her occasional smile.
He tried to talk to her. To make her understand. It’s hard.
Even so he can’t stop now yeah? Even if his presence seems to make Meg gaze at him with such coldness that rivals the winter that Demeter brings. Even if he dies by her hand, again and again.
So he keeps talking, giving her some ‘contrabands’ his effort seems fruitless. But he’s not stopping, not when he hopes he can at least try to mend it. Before he goes, before he leaves. He would probably go back, to see those he cares for and loves. But still, no one knows of the future. He could only wish to make do with what time he has left with her. If not for what he’s doing, then for when she decides she doesn’t want him anymore. When even words are not exchanged, when she finally got rid of him for good. She has always felt way too good to even look at him anyway.
With Aegis he slices Meg’s heart, a split second of eye contact with her, anger in them. Zagreus can’t help but think about how gorgeous they are, distracted for a moment, before Megaera slumps to the floor, Styx claiming her. ‘Damn you!’ she cries. Zagreus stared at the spot she was a moment before. Eyes boring into the ground, blood spattered around. He needs to continue on. And so, the heat of Asphodel consumed him.
Than makes Zagreus’s head spin. He doesn’t quite know what his crush? friend? is thinking. Than would hold up these …competitions, it’s for fun, he said, he’s helping him in a way. Yes, he is breaking rules for him. But then Thanatos wouldn’t stay for long either, nor actually let Zag explain himself and his decisions to him.And so, to that, Zagreus spends every second of being with Than desperately trying to itch his being into his memory. Try to talk more, get a rise out of Than, be nicer, prolong the conversation. He can’t stop now, but it tempts him to.
A sigh escaped him, Asphodel has not been kind to him. Luckily he did survive the encounter, although Lernie did almost send him back down to the Styx. Drinking the fountain’s healing water, he glanced at the sets of keepsake he has. The butterfly’s lying there, untouch for a while now. Too late, maybe next time . Although his fingers itched to put the brooch close to his heart, to have an inkling of the bonds that he has left with Thanatos.
He wants, no, needs more of Than, he never knows if it’s going to be the last time, if it’s going to be the last run. If he gets to the surface, Thanatos would still pop in once in a while, but who says he would come to Zagreus, who knows if Zag can see him ever again?
He hurt Than. When he left in frustration and didn’t inform Than. There was so much going on, and he didn’t, couldn’t think for a second and tell him about it.
You are but a thorn to him , his mind supplied. He would be better without you , adding into it, and he can’t help but agree to his mind this time. Even so he tried, he laughed, he smiled, he talked. Trying to make it better. Clinging, almost begging, trying to get Thanatos to spend another second with him. But Than will always leave, not wanting to spend more than necessary with him. It’s his job, he can’t be mad at Than for doing his job. Even if it’s not, and Than just wants to help, but nothing more than that, then that’s fine. Not his fault really, not when Zag can’t think of why he would want to stay anyway.
He doesn’t understand why Than is helping him. Longspear grazed his cheek. Come to think of it . He held up Aegis, blocking an arrow. Than never seems to actually enjoy their meeting. He stepped on a spike. Shit- Maybe he did, maybe he did not. But Zag's mind just told him that Thanatos always leaves and their meetings are brief, he does not stay around. The spike pierced through him, his feet bleeding.
Aren’t you just forcing yourself on him? He sprints to a witch’s spell, knocking it to the floor.
But even so, Than is still here right? He still comes, that has to count for something. His mind is swirling now, the blood loss not helping either. I have to keep trying, he told himself. Readying to smash the shades to the nearest wall. I don’t want to lose him . If this is all he’ll give, then Zag has to be content with it. It’s his fault after all. He burned down the bridge when he broke out. When he stopped being locked and shackled to the place he had to call his ‘home’.
Doesn’t matter if it’s for his mother, if he wants to meet her. That he needs answers for a lot of things, that maybe his life might make sense for once. The last exalted soul dies. He breathes, trying to calm his mind before going to the next chamber.
He distantly hopes that he could have a better relationship with them. Maybe in another life? Maybe there could’ve been something that Zagreus would have given him a better outcome. Maybe he fucked up really bad, and at the end everything will fall apart. Not that it isn’t already . Either way, it’s not something he could change so easily, and Theseus’s glade is right in front of him. Later he’ll wallow more, but for now, he got someone to beat up and out of his way.
The door to the realm above opened, he founded the satyr sack for Cerberus. Lovely dog, best boy ever, really. Cold, that’s what he feels. Is this what wind is? Moving air, not stagnant. The white stuff on the ground melts, snow he thought. He looks forward, light blinding his eyes, and that’s when he sees it, his father, standing there, menacingly.
He had hoped that maybe this won’t actually happen, but no. Hades killed him without hesitation. He wakes up in the house, in shock, but angry. He thought that he had proven himself, that maybe his father would let him pass, but no. Why is he so insistent on not letting him leave anyway? He knows his father does not love him in any shape or form, but doesn't he love his mother? Enough that he never took up another mate or anyone, really.
What is going on, what is he hiding? He thought bitterly, calculating now, thinking on how to go on. Kill him . He thought to himself. It startles him, how easy that comes to his mind. But it is only fair, for he killed him first. Zagreus readied his weapon, Aegis served him well last time, he will take it up again. I will kill him .
Useless. His father said. Incompetent. Words that have been forced, been nailed into the depths of him. He can’t even find where they are, for it has swirled in his soul, making it a part of him. It truly does not matter what he did, nothing works. The only respect he started to get is when he killed him with his hands. His stomach churned at it. How cruel is fate that he could never get a single drop of parental love from him, much less his mother.
I’m fine, it will be alright. He forced a smile. He just needs to find his mother, then everything will be alright.
His mother does not want to go back. His mom doesn't want to- He rises up from the Pool of Styx, hand on floors, eyes wide. What the hell. Angers fueled him. After all this time, what? Like so many times he rises up and kills his father, again and again. He traverses the realm, trial and error, beaten, bruised, just for a second more with her, before getting dragged like a struggling rat, back to Styx.
Maybe she just doesn’t want you. The raging ember almost dies instantly. A thought, splashing him with cold water. He never thought of it like that, thinking that she would love him, and would want him. Feet led him back to his room, ignoring his father’s remarks. He doesn’t even glance at the left hall to speak to Achilles, or to see if Than is there. THan is rarely anywhere these days anyway. Nothing matters much does it? He did all of that, for nothing. Bridges got burned down, so many sacrifices, all for nothing. No one wants you anymore now. He thought.
Not that anyone wanted you here in the first place, yeah? His mind adds. Nyx is absent, her spot is blank, he could only see the flowers in the pots, must be with Chaos huh , sprinting into his chamber. He fixed so many other people’s problems, yet his never seemed to cease, only growing after each encounter. Achilles is back with Patroculus, Sisyphus freed from his bounds, Orpheus and Eurydice getting together again. While his mind raced, he sprinted right into his bedroom, missing pairs of eyes looking at him from the lounge.
Blood and darkness, what should he do now? His efforts seem vain now. And nothing is working as well. His hands grasp on his bedsheet, tears in his eyes that drop on the soft silk. He still can’t talk as much with Meg and Than. The first, still looking with disdain and a lot of emotions that he can not quite read, not anymore anyway . The second, seeming to be avoiding him a lot. Either busy with his job, or he doesn’t want to see Zag anymore, it is not an information that’s privy to him. All he knows is that he hasn’t seen Than in at least a week now.
Zagreus, for the first time in a while, lets himself slowly climb to his bed, ugly sobs start to rack about. He could only put his hand on his mouth hoping that no one would listen in and see him in such a state.
What about Nyx? She did so much for him, all of that for nothing. Oh by the gods, Olympus. His heart racing, blood rushed to his head, everything seemed to be spinning, pain in his chest. Numb. Achilles, he failed him as well. So much for training and going up, when he can’t even bring his mother back. He has to apologise to both of them, for being a failure, for being him. For failing to make his mother want him. By darkness, he is so tired. So, so tired.
Maybe a bit of sleep will do him good. Maybe it will be better when he wakes up. Or worse. He flinched. Too many thoughts. He can’t sleep like this, his mind, ever racing, screaming and begging at him to do something. But he can’t, what can he do really? Nails dug into his arms, drawing blood. He tensed, before he felt a bit calmer, a bit numb. Maybe this is it. This will help. Pain is good, it will keep him tired and occupied. He dug in more. More. More. With pain, he falls asleep, blood staining his sheets and tears damping his pillow.