Chapter Text
Blood slipped through her fingers as she covered the wound on her legs with dirt-covered hands, trying to see through the heavy tears that covered her vision, trying to breathe despite the choking panic that gripped her lungs and brutally closed her throat, trying to calm her arrhythmic, horrified heart that pounded in her chest so hard she felt like she was going to break in two.
Go away.
She couldn't stop trembling, feeling her senses slowly shutting down; the terror grew even greater at the thought that she might lose consciousness in a matter of minutes and be at the mercy of a beast, which watched her with a row of gleaming teeth and a sadistic countenance, awaiting her imminent defeat. It dug its nails so hard into her skin that the pain seemed to overtake her anguish almost successfully.
Get away from me.
She wanted to speak so loudly that her voice would reverberate through the vastness of the forest, she wanted to intimidate him enough to turn his skin pale and apologize on his knees. She wanted to stop being a victim, she wanted to be able to fight for herself, she wanted to stop being afraid. She wanted so many things and she couldn't have any of them. She tried to clear her vision by rubbing her eyes with bloody hands as she tried not to break into hysterical sobbing.
“Please” his unpleasant tone rang in her ears like an alarm, raising her head quickly, turning away from him as she regained mobility in her legs, which burned from her superficial wounds. Looking him in the face bristled her skin “I didn't even say how I was going to shut you up”.
“D-don't come closer” she raised her hands uselessly, stained with blood and dust. Tears fell silently down her cheeks, her belongings strewn behind her unsteady posture “I'll apologise, I'll say it's not true. I really didn't mean to cause any harm. I swear”.
“You think I'm going to believe you?” he kicked at the ground, dry leaves flying at her from autumn's arrival. The sun had not yet managed to penetrate the density of the trees, nor had it allowed their conversation to be heard. Her mind worked at full speed to find a way to escape from the man who cracked his knuckles “A dog like you knows nothing but to create slander and hurt my family. I'm sure you won't open your mouth after this”.
“Stay away” panic was taking her voice, trembling at her future and the nearness of a man with square shoulders and untouchable impunity in Avonlea society; he might be able to disfigure her face with his fists and no one would ever be able to even hear her, blinded by the perfect image of Billy Andrews, one of the few alphas in town. She wiped her tears compulsively, desperate to get as far away from him as possible “I'll do whatever you ask me to fix it, but please don't take another step”.
“I don't understand why I would have to listen to you” he made a slow step, as if positioning himself to attack her as effectively as possible, watching her with bright, expectant eyes. He tilted his head to one side as she drew her arms to her chest, struggling to remain calm. “No one will believe whatever it is I'm going to do now if you dare to tell. Everyone will see it as the justified action I took to protect my sister from scum like you. Of how I, Billy Andrews, am a role and protective role model to follow because of my heroic action”.
“You're wrong” she shook her head anxiously, trying to breathe through her fluttering heart “Everyone will know what you did and be horrified when they find out you're a monster, because there will be no way to shut me up. I-I'll scream until they hear me”.
He let out a humorless laugh, combing his hair back before adjusting his hat. The teenager walked away as far as she could, unable to stop crying “I'll make it clear that everything I said was a lie and your sister won't have to face it, I'll take full responsibility. This won't make up for what I did”.
He started to move closer, forcing her to want to escape his grip before letting out a shriek “Please no! I will take full responsibility, and you won't have to worry about what I said ever again! I'll take full responsibility for my actions, please let me go!”.
“Enough” he growled, losing his patience. In one swift movement he grabbed her slender arm between his large hands, which he squeezed so brutally that she screamed from the pain and terror of thinking she would be able to break it into pieces. Desperate to free herself from his grip, she stumbled over her own books, falling hard on the floor, falling out of his grasp in a matter of seconds with no hope of escape.
She tried to crawl on her elbows, afraid to turn her back on him “You think you can get away from me, huh? You think...?”
Even in the deepest of panics she could feel his scent burning in her throat, bristling her skin with disgust and making her on the verge of nausea at her body's natural rejection of a being as dangerous as Billy was. Her senses, the most instinctive and deepest part of her person, struggled to sharpen and fight tooth and nail to get away from him, to protect herself, but the terror was stronger, paralyzing her and leaving her unable to move. She feared that the icy sweat trickling down the back of her neck, the uncontrolled pounding of her heart and the rough mouth were a sign that she was lost, that she might not have the means to save herself.
Her muscles tensed. Her heart stopped.
“Billy”.
There was someone else, someone else who was witnessing what was happening, someone else who stopped her assailant just by calling his name. The young man stopped his growl, suddenly pale, as he turned to watch the man approaching them. The girl, so weak that she thought she would lose consciousness, tried to sit up as quickly as possible while trying to stay awake; a nearby tree was enough to lean against and catch her breath, determined that this was her chance to run with all her might towards Green Gables. Of course, her plans never happened as planned. A scent filled her lungs, so warm and robust she felt it on the roof of her mouth, fresh and soothing, coursing through her veins like a sedative. She didn't have time to think of similarities, but she was sure that the salty sea breeze caused the same familiar feeling inside her, enveloping her with such immensity that she felt her own body come alive again, swept by an unfamiliar, searing electricity. Her eyes glanced in front of Billy, meeting a boy about his age, with surprisingly dark eyes that never once noticed her. His tense jaw marked his defined, serious face, impassive in the presence of an equal, so calm that her heart beat fiercely at the possible danger in front of her.
An alpha.
She began to gather her things awkwardly, kneeling on the twig-covered ground that sank into her wounds, letting out a whimper unconsciously from the pain. She bit her lips to silence herself, doing her work as quickly as possible to take advantage of the perfect escape situation.
“I didn't think I'd find you this way” at the lack of response the dark-haired alpha commented, not taking his eyes off Billy. Perhaps if the girl had watched a few moments longer she would have seen the tension in his muscles, enlarged as a warning, with widened veins and a scent that seemed repulsive to the other young man. He looked around him “It seems quite a distance to your home”.
She clutched her belongings to her chest, deciding that the safest destination was towards the school; closer and more open, giving her the certainty that they would be able to hear and see her should anything go wrong again. Without a word she wanted to pass by Billy's side, as far away from him as possible, when he raised his arm, preventing her from passing. Still frightened, she jumped slightly in place, escaping his grasp without any concealment, forced to stand behind him.
This did not go unnoticed.
“Is everything alright, miss?” the alpha's voice seemed to grow huskier, ignoring Billy as if he wasn't there. His black eyes bore into her with a brush of savagery, noting the dirt and blood on her face, eyes reddened from crying. The young woman was unaware of how he had to fight to keep his growl, deep and menacing, inside the bottom of his chest from terrifying her when he tried to approach. Billy positioned himself in front of him so as not to let him advance.
“Gilbert, you don't know how happy I am that you're back and that I met you so casually” the woman could even imagine him smiling, toothless and without it touching his eyes, a comment so passive it would never be interpreted as a threat “But you're worrying for nothing. You'd better be on your way, no one wants any trouble”.
“Excuse me, are you all right?” Gilbert tried to be able to look at her again, moving to the side and ignoring the boy's responses, but Billy was quicker to block his vision. Gilbert's face darkened.
“We were just playing, Gilbert. None of your business,” he tried futilely to maintain eye contact, failing in a matter of seconds when the taller one glared at him intensely. Gilbert fought the urge to take the face between his hands forcefully to force him to explain himself, ready to break his jaw with his grip.
“Stand aside” his tone sounded decisive and, from where she stood, the young woman could see Billy's expression become disfigured by surprise and, eventually, by nerves and disgust. If she looked more closely, she might have noticed how he naturally shrank back, knowing that in a confrontation he couldn't beat him and deciding to look as unthreatening as possible; but she was too desperate to leave to see small details. The opposing alpha saw him, walking past her, holding his chin up, with a frown of concern for the state of the girl who was trying to regulate her breathing. He couldn't get too close, as she instinctively recoiled at his proximity. He gulped.
“Are you alright?” his genuine concern confused her, still intimidated by his presence and dejected by the events.
She struggled to recompose her calm as she nodded “Your legs and your face, what...?” no one is going to believe you.
“I tripped” she stammered, running her hands over her face unsuccessfully to remove the traces of dirt. Gilbert's heavy gaze expressed his little credibility in what she said, but she didn't have the strength to keep thinking. She needed to leave so she could breathe “I really tripped because I've been so clumsy lately and... and then I forgot that my hands were stained and I wanted to wipe my tears because I'm in a hurry and I-I really, really have to go”.
“It's nothing” she had to keep her gaze fixed on the floor as she felt Billy's eyes on her, squeezing her things so hard her knuckles turned white. Billy continued speaking “I'll walk her the rest of the way to make sure she doesn't accidentally kill herself”.
Gilbert, in a matter of seconds and naturally, landed between them giving her a broad back and muscles flexing beneath his heavy clothes. Her scent radiated strongly from his skin, like a barrier filling her lungs and clouding her senses; she had no other reaction than to cover her nose with a bloody hand at the overwhelming sensation of the uncertainty of what her body was causing in her own senses and reasoning. His broad shoulders covered her vision, preventing Billy from being able to see her again as he uttered a smile she couldn't perceive, “I think she can make it the rest of the way alone. You might want to stop wasting your time here when you know the professor has all his eyes on you. Your father won't be pleased to hear all he has to say”.
“I appreciate your concern, Gilbert, but I'll be fine,” she heard the branches creaking under his weight as he feinted to approach, having little success when the alpha's tense body blocked his path. He began to splutter in protest, but the young woman knew on rare occasions when it was the right time to open her mouth, and this was one of them.
“I don't need you to come with me” she shook her head, watching as Gilbert looked over his shoulder in slight surprise at her intrusion, clearing her voice to leave no doubt of her desire. She prayed with all her might that the man would hear her silent prayers, accompanying her until Billy had left “I can take care of myself”.
Her assailant held up his hands as if in defeat, but she knew his expression was nothing more than a profound warning and a reminder of all that had happened, a simple warning of what he was capable of away from the public eye. A shiver ran down her back, her sour but imperceptible scent exuding from her neck and wrists like a desperate but silent cry for help.
“I'll have to leave, then. But please don't forget what I've told you, okay? It's a secret between you and me” fear rendered her mute, not finding her voice, her muscles or her own person. She couldn't react, and even with Gilbert's strangely comforting presence, it wasn't enough to calm the nausea that threatened to attack her. The alpha was pressing his jaw so brutally that the bone was marking violently on his cheek, Billy didn't even bother to look at him “Don't hurt yourself, okay? See you over there”.
He walked away from them with relaxed shoulders, not bothering to look behind him, leaving them in an overwhelming silence that was only filled by their heavy breathing and Gilbert's racing heart, who was trying to figure out what was going on all by himself, uselessly. The sun slowly illuminated the darkened path, showing the morning dew resting on the few plants still standing thanks to the imminence of autumn; she wanted to move, she wanted to gain control of her own anatomy and her revolted emotions, so panic-stricken that her muscles ached for the tension, so much so that her throat burned with the desire to break into an agonizing and honest cry.
She had to close her eyes tightly to compose herself, letting out a shuddering breath that stole Gilbert's full attention, who turned to look at her devotedly for the first time. She lost her breath under his watchful gaze, oblivious to the reddish colour of her hair that blended exquisitely with the warm landscape of the forest, hating her porcelain face bathed in tiny freckles, in the fineness of her nose, in the moisture of her lips. In the brutality of the blood that stained her face like that of a damaged cherub, in the dirt that rested on her neck and chin, in the irritation of her eyes from recent tears. In the delicacy of her trembling body, dressed in clothes she was grateful for daily, but silently wished they were beautiful like Diana's. In the bitterness of her fragrance that broke the barriers of her medication, desperate to express her emotions in some way without knowing that she was slowly sweetening in the face of tranquility and a presence that irrationally gave her a false security. In the beauty of eyes identical to the bravura of an ocean on the cusp of winter, tinged with a blue that could pass for coldness and remoteness, but which translated as the widest sky and calmest waves that could ever be imagined. A heavenly beauty, almost angelic, bordering on the divine; neither of them knew what to say before the immensity of their gazes, of the silence that introduced them into the deepest of wonders, into something inexplicable that she had only tried to dimension in the most tragic of her tales.
“Are you...” Gilbert broke their hushed conversation with slow blinks, still trying to regain control of himself after such a revelation, beginning to salivate at the almost imperceptible sweetish taste that landed on his tongue “Are you okay, what happened, are you hurt—” she opened her mouth, bringing her gaze down to the ground before half-turning on her feet, walking away from him in a matter of seconds.
Her slender legs looked comical walking at an undisguised speed, quick as a hummingbird to disappear from his field of vision. The alpha began to follow her with confusion, but following in her footsteps like a loyal dog, at a safe distance so as not to intimidate her, but not far enough to lose sight of her. Her scent, as savoury as honey and a new book, marked his path like a beacon; he was sure he could find her even with his eyes closed, and the thought terrified him. He didn't understand what was happening to him.
“Miss,” he called hoarsely, trying not to look so amused after the tense situation that had occurred in the forest moments ago. Her braids bounced behind her back from the force of her footsteps, determined to gain as much distance between them “It was no trouble at all to save you, really. You're welcome” she hesitated to take the next step, fighting the urge to look over her shoulder at him with an unreadable expression, but deciding she wasn't prepared to be threatened by another strong, sharp-toothed alpha.
If he had managed to intimidate Billy that was enough for her to not have the slightest intention of sharing his space, but at the same time she had to try to erase from her mind the detail of his image; his face seemed created to enrapture her, the hardness and definition of his features coming together in harmony, with deep, dark eyes and expressive eyebrows that told her all she needed to know.
“What is your name?” her instincts were getting the better of her as she noted how he had not hesitated to care for her, even without knowing who she was or why she was being threatened, and willing to protect her without question as he perched in front of her to act as a barrier, muscles tensed to appear larger, veins flaring in adrenaline and senses clouded by the most instinctive part of him to keep her safe. Perhaps that wasn't the most enigmatic thing, but the warmth of his brown eyes and the softness of his auburn curls, which hung naturally on top of his head, in the catchiness of his scent that wafted up to her chest like a warm syrup, that made her salivate and ran through her veins like a sedative; in how he smelled of freedom, but of home at the same time, of how... “Miss?”.
She quickened her stride, eliminating all thought from her head. She had to flee his presence as soon as possible, knowing she couldn't trust anyone with the truth of what had happened if she wanted to maintain her personal integrity; not only did Billy's clear threat bristle her skin, but also the undeniable reality that no one would ever believe her words because of her gender and status. They would dismiss her as insane, probably laughing at her sayings, or horrified by the nasty rumor that Prissy Andrews was having an affair with Professor Phillips before a formal proposal of marriage. She was bound from head to toe, understanding that if she didn't play along she would end up permanently hurt, no matter how concerned or kind Gilbert seemed or how much she wanted to break down in anguished weeping in Diana's warm arms. However, it was hard to ignore the strong presence of her savior, following her with a rigid posture and eyes fixed as if she were the only source of light for miles around. The insistent footsteps behind her caused a cold sweat to break out on her velvety skin, her agitated breathing forming an almost imperceptible vapour in the frosty air, but knowing he was keeping a considerable distance so as not to encroach on her, uttering questions without pausing, but with a kind and respectful tone that did not stir her heart with distrust.
“Wait!” he called, but she ignored him again. She failed to notice his sudden approach as she distracted herself with the nearby school display, finally adjusting her things before quickening her steps. To no avail “Wait!”.
Gilbert took one of her slender arms in one of his warm, strong hands with a firm grip that forced her to stop and let out a squeak in surprise. Her belongings fell to the floor, kicking up dust on the floor from the blow. He released her arm with his expression painted in despair, speaking in a rushed manner “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you”.
She frowned at him in confusion as he bent down to gather the books with surprising speed, not daring to look at her face in embarrassment “Your face is dirty, I thought you might prefer to clean it up before anyone else sees it”.
“Oh,” she brought her hands instinctively to her face, brushing it with her fingers as she remembered it was covered in blood and dirt. She glanced over her shoulder, noting that there was no one lurking around the outskirts of the school, taking the opportunity to sneak over to the stream, covering her face so that she wouldn't be seen through the windows. She wiped her face firmly leaving the sensitive skin a faint reddish color from the irritation, thankful that the blood was little because it was so difficult to remove and making sure there was no more dirt on her face as her hands came back clean as well as the icy water she used.
For some reason Gilbert had waited quietly away from her, respecting her time and space without complaining about holding her things, handing them over without another question as he observed her face now clean and moist, free of wounds. The young woman had taken the opportunity to clean her injured legs so as not to raise any curiosity about what had happened, receiving her belongings without being able to find her voice or any action other than to walk past him towards the door.
He, as most alphas in the world were idealized, was an exemplary gentleman to be quicker to open the door for her respectfully, murmuring a soft “After you”. She felt a sudden prickle of guilt right in the center of her chest as she passed him, breathing in his scent without any escape as she entered the room, which was engulfed in laughter and conversation that was uninterrupted by their arrivals, oblivious to their presences. Gilbert closed the door behind him with no apparent intention of walking away from her, giving her the impulsive opportunity to open her mouth to save herself from her own sense of disappointment, how could she not be the least bit kind after all he had done for her?
“I apologize if I was rude, I sincerely didn't mean to be. My name is Anne” she offered her hand, which she detested for always being icy, so thin that beneath her porcelain-white skin her dark veins showed through, and her sharp bones were defined. Gilbert was quick to return her greeting, wrapping his hand around her own, covering it by the difference in size and giving it a light squeeze that managed to pierce the warmth of her body despite the cool temperatures due to the presence of autumn: she let out an imperceptible sigh of surprise when she was forced to raise her eyes, meeting his gaze.
“Gilbert” he offered her a small smile that didn't quite touch his eyes, a mere gesture of friendliness “A pleasure, Anne”.
She removed her hand as if his touch burned, tucking them away inside her apron as if she had the desire to flee from his grasp, something she perhaps desired for the wrong reasons. He frowned at the oddity of her gesture but quickly disguised it, beginning to remove his heavy scarf that wrapped tightly around his neck without another word: he suddenly seemed to contain no interest in what had happened, and Anne did not know whether to feel relief or a feeling akin to sadness. It didn't take her long to lie through her teeth “I greatly appreciate your concern in the forest, but it was nothing serious. Really”.
“No?” of course he wasn't going to believe whatever she had in store. She bit her tongue wishing with all her might that her salve hadn't failed her, revealing her condition. She couldn't panic, so she decided not to answer and nodded with the best expression of sincerity and reassurance she could offer, “I see. I didn't mean to interrupt”.
Confusion intensified as she noticed the indifference of his words, busying herself with putting her things away where they belonged without following the thread of the conversation with any sort of interest, how could he act this way when moments before he was walking behind her without stopping to ask about what had happened, curious about her name?
She sighed, deciding she was too exhausted to continue lying, copying his actions as she shed her heavy clothes on the available racks when a question settled into her thoughts, impossible to ignore. She spun on her heels to find him inspecting something she paid no attention to, clearing her throat to be heard. He looked at her with raised eyebrows but showed little inclination to talk to her. She ignored the pang of pain that shot through her chest at the rejection.
“How did you find us?” Gilbert looked slightly surprised by her question, but didn't show it for more than a few seconds, leaving her to wonder if what she had seen was real or not. He shrugged closing his book, not abandoning his calm but bored tone.
“I always walk down that path, I stopped because I heard Billy's voice and smelled the blood. Nothing more” it left her frozen in place as her companions finally noticed her presence, exclaiming “Gilbert!” to greet him with claps and welcoming smiles, noticing how the alpha's expression offered nothing more than a polite smile that didn't turn out to be genuine. She felt Diana's gaze upon her, but was unable to move, frozen in place, clenching her clothes in an unconscious fist in stupefaction.
He hadn't smelled her blood, it was impossible with the small amount on her. Imperceptible, faint, impossible.
A shiver ran up her spine, unstoppable.
Her ointment had betrayed her. Gilbert had been able to smell her, to catch her scent, her own perfume. He had been able to find her because of her nose despite having used other words that had failed to lie to him, he had found her not because of the stench of her blood, but because of something far worse: Gilbert knew she was an omega, and worst of all, no one else did, not even Billy, who had pounced on her like an animal.
Not even Diana, her best friend, who had so often plunged her nose into her hair, held her hand. No one. No one else.
She knew in that instant that her world was going to fall apart, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
“Anne” her soul mate whispered, leaning over her as the professor turned his back on them. All attempts to engage her in conversation were failing as it seemed as if the words just wouldn't come to her, as if she was submerged in a deep river that shielded her from the outside world.
Diana couldn't take it any longer when, as gently as possible, she kicked her friend's leg with the toe of her foot, who jumped in her seat before feeling her eyes fill with tears. She covered her mouth in horror, unable to disguise the shocked tone in her voice “Anne, what's wrong? What's wrong?”
Anne let out a snort, trying to keep the tears from falling freely down her face, stroking the area where she kicked her gently. Diana continued in a kind voice melted in regret “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you and I tried to touch you to get your attention because I know there's something wrong with you. I don't understand why you won't talk to me; I know something is wrong and you can tell me. I can help you if...”.
“Anne Shirley” the teacher stood in front of them, his chin raised in haughtiness and a superiority he possessed only at school over underage people. He could never survive with people on his own terms “Again causing a disturbance during class. First warning of the day”.
“Professor, I was the one who...”.
“I'm not talking to you, Miss Barry. I would appreciate it if you would answer and address me only when I require it” Diana spluttered like a fish, observing Anne who had made no response whatsoever “And please stop defending her, because it will eventually cause a repercussion on you if you persist with your attitudes”.
“Excuse me, but...” he silenced her with a simple wave of his hands, leaving no room to defend her best friend, who seemed to have ignored the whole conversation after the blow. Her eyes were irritated, and her nerves flared, knowing that her kick had been careful enough to cause her such distress. She took her hand under the table, giving it a gentle squeeze as the professor pulled away before whispering, “Anne, please talk to me”.
Anne, however, was still fighting back tears. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or an overflow of emotions that would be impossible to keep under control once released; she was terrified of Billy, who was not present, but whose dark shadow felt like a monster stalking her until their next meeting, she was stunned by the assumption that Gilbert knew of her condition which she had worked hard with blood, sweat and tears to keep hidden from everyone she knew in order to stay alive and be able to lead a normal life. She was exhausted from having to keep secrets that hurt her soul, from lying to her loved ones so easily that it rotted her heart, from hiding inside herself instead of warm and comforting hugs that would heal her pain, she was tired of having to deal with Professor Phillips, who seemed to hate her, and she had been lucky enough to be kicked with the toe of a stiff shoe and import it squarely into her raw wound that she was sure to feel the heavy drops of blood under her dull dress without puffy sleeves.
Vanity is not something I give up easily, she wanted to joke as she thought of a comment Marilla would make if she knew everything that was going on. How she wished she did. Yet she knew how unfair she was being to Diana, and what a bad liar she was being by not answering any of her questions of genuine concern. She returned the handshake with a small smile, pretending that nothing was going on, that everything was more than fine; perhaps her eyes looked brighter than they should “Sorry, I'm more distracted than usual thinking about all the possibilities for endings to the stories I wrote yesterday, oh, if you only knew, Diana”.
She watched her, analyzing her, but eventually falling into a mischievous grin that made her shake her head before settling her attention on the book in front of her. She was sure that at lunchtime she would ask her about it, and fortunately Anne possessed such a coarse imagination and graceful way with words that she could be trusted to create a story then and there, not having to spend time thinking about what had happened, what she could do, and what was to become of it. It would be easier, of course, not only if the throbbing pain in her leg would die down, but also if someone's intense gaze on the back of her neck would disappear. It seemed to burn over her skin, relentless, and she feared she knew whose answer it was; usually Josie Pye had long sessions of hateful stares, but none compared to this one, which seemed to sink beneath her to tickle the pit of her stomach and prickle the skin on her arms, covered by her clothes.
She had to regulate her breathing to calm herself, stifling the desire to look over her shoulder to meet his eyes, wanting to ask without shame what it was that he was staring so hard at, if there was something wrong with her, with her appearance. Was it her red hair, bordering on ridiculousness, as opposed to the majesty of Ruby's beautiful golden hair? Her freckles as if they were smudges of dirt on her sickly white face? The wretched row of teeth as opposed to Josie Pye's? The lack of elegance and beauty as Diana so effortlessly possessed? Or perhaps the slightest detail that she knew her true identity, the rawest and most morbid revelation of her nature, the part of her person that was hidden by churches and societies, that horrified priests, paled women and disgusted gentlemen. That she held in her hands the darkest of her secrets, the secret that would shatter her life into shards that would cut her skin so deep that she would have no choice but to bleed to death before dark and prejudiced eyes, the secret that would ruin her future, her present, her past.
The secret that would kill her at the drop of a hat, like a verdict of terror or a mere rumor; all for the stupid fear she felt, all for not putting enough ointment on her neck and wrists, all for opening her mouth about Prissy Andrews. For those banal reasons her life hung in the balance, rather from an alpha with kind eyes but frivolous words, a man who didn't even seem to be fazed by the creature that lay helplessly and vulnerably before his eyes.
She had to breathe, she had to keep her composure, she pinched her skin so hard she felt her nails pierce the thin layer of skin, burning and unable to ignore.
Why was he unaffected by the fact that she was an omega, and that he was the only one who had been able to detect her? He didn't look like a clueless person; he could conclude that no one else knew that fact because she was sitting as just another person, a proper beta-gendered lady who knew her place, who was controlled and adored. He might have known because Billy would not have been able to hurt her, or not as easily as he tried to, or because none of his mates, who were alphas but lower in rank as a matte4, did not unconsciously try to insinuate themselves into her or watch her as intently as he did.
Why him, why him and not someone else, why did he look so calm? Why hadn't he told the four winds what she was in front of his friends as a joke, or why didn't he let Billy get on with his task if the omegas were known to be nothing but scum and lust dressed as an innocent and overwhelming cherub? Why did he treat her so differently, and then couldn't stop looking at her? What could she offer so he wouldn't say a word?
She was trapped and could do no more than rest her forehead on the back of her hand before letting out a deep sigh, having to bite her lips to release what little tension was stored inside her. She tried to pay attention to Mr. Phillips' lousy lecture, failing to see mathematical exercises on the board that she knew she couldn't solve with so many things going through her head. She picked up her chalk to write on her own blackboard, pretending to do something so as not to draw unwanted attention again, hoping that her imagination would once again be strong enough to save her instead of plunging her into despair.
“I can't wait” Diana took her hands in hers, genuine and with a dreamy expression, as the class ended after an eternal day. She felt like a stampede had passed over her, so tired she feared she had lost her euphoric energy and joy forever “It's getting closer and closer until my parents allow me to come back with you, now that you're a Cuthbert!”.
“Sounds fantastic” she wanted to sound enthusiastic, but failed terribly. Her other classmates were scattering through the forest, keeping each other company and laughing among themselves, keeping a good distance from her not only for being an orphan, but also for being a cruel, lying person who was ruining Prissy Andrews' life by creating such a scandalous rumor. The only group of girls, Diana's close friends, had been very curious about what they had seen together, but once she began to relate the daily events of her former workplace they were so disgusted that they couldn't even look at her. They took it upon themselves to spread what Anne was saying around the school, horrified, but not surprised that a person with a past and personality like hers would decide to take such a dedicated and sweet person like Prissy down with her. Diana, firmly in her place knowing that the rumors had not yet come to fruition without parental intervention, had not stopped sitting with her and treating her as what she was, her best friend, and Anne could not explain how much she valued it.
School ravaged her imagination, her reality overtaking her. People could be cruel, be celebrated and get away with it, and she was getting tired of seeing it more and more effectively. At first it seemed to be a warm place that could become like what she dreamed of, but in a matter of moments it was enough to prove to be one of her most livid nightmares. She could never compare it to something as sadistic as the orphanage, the owner of his darkest thoughts, nor of the coldest memories of his childhood, but it was a driving force for her greatest terrors and insecurities; she felt that she belonged nowhere, to no one, to nothing. She saw how everyone ran to safe arms, to trusted friends, to laughter that went with sincerity and good intentions, not to mockery and mistreatment and tears. She feared that this would be her life, that it was meant to be, and she knew that when her rumour spread far enough to reach the big families, to Professor Phillips, she would have nowhere to run because no one would be willing to do it for someone like her. No one. And perhaps that was not what broke her heart the most, but that they were never able to see her heart or her intentions or look at her with eyes free of hatred and prejudice. She wanted to be seen with lively, open, understanding eyes, but she was only pointed at, beaten. It hurt, it hurt so much that she had to hide inside herself to persist.
“Anne” she had unknowingly moved on, plunged into the cold forest being slowly abandoned by the sun. They were alone when Diana stopped walking, releasing her hand to face her ‘What's wrong?’
“I'm worried, Diana” she tried to stop the lump forming in her throat from anguish, but she knew she wouldn't be able to hold it long enough. She let out a shaky breath “I should never have opened my mouth about what happened with Prissy. Now everyone will think she's a promiscuous woman, or that I am one, as well as being an orphan and a liar. No one will put themselves in my place and I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm terrified of the consequences that I never intended. I never meant to hurt anyone”.
“Oh, Anne” her best friend was quick to wrap her in a hug, squeezing her shoulders gently, like the touch of a butterfly. Anne hugged her, taking a deep breath to keep from bursting into tears, as she tried to reassure herself “You'll see that soon everyone will forget about it and eventually you'll be able to start again with the girls, it'll be a while, yes, but it won't be forever”.
She pulled away so she could look at her smiling calmly and the young girl felt her heart slow its beating with peace, how could she not believe her when the most precious of souls was comforting her in this way? “I doubt Prissy will be easy to win over, of course, but it won't take the others long to see your charm and understand you”.
“They're never going to forget it. They're always going to see them and they're going to think what I said, or they'll see me and I'll already know what they're thinking”.
“Anne” frustration was mounting, but she knew enough was enough when they got to where their paths parted “It's really not like that...”
“Isn't it relieving to think that there is only so many mistakes one can make in a day?” she sighed for the umpteenth time that day, fixing her gaze on her feet “And to think that tomorrow is a mistake free day, free of mistakes I might make”.
“Anne, you really have nothing to worry about” her sympathetic voice filled her ears, having to lift her head “I'll talk as much as I can to put it in the past and I'm sure they'll be willing to give you a chance, they just need time. Tomorrow may not be a day without mistakes, didn't you think it a good idea to deliver a formal apology to Prissy for what was caused?” she sank her feet under the dry leaves, thoughtfully.
“I thought of ways to fix this, I thought I'd apologise to her and assume in front of everyone that it's a lie so as not to involve her any further with it”.
“Maybe an apology would be a good first step” Diana nodded, looking over his shoulder knowing she had to be prompt so as not to raise suspicion “Because you didn't lie, we saw what the teacher wanted to do to her, and she let him. What you said isn't false, but it's too serious for someone who is accused to admit it” Then I'll go down myself, instead, for not knowing how to keep quiet.
“All right” Anne didn't want to keep her any longer, though she wished to stay with her until the moon reached the top of the sky “I'll think of an apology, and then you'll give me your opinion, yes?”
“Perfect!” she reached over to link her little finger with her, waving goodbye as she turned to head towards her mansion “See you tomorrow, Anne, be very careful on your way back”.
“What, why, did you see something?” the sudden desperation in her tone surprised her friend, crestfallen at having made a comment out of pure politeness and habit. She looked at her with eyebrows raised in confusion, unaware that Anne still dreaded the reigning image of Billy looming over her in the middle of the woods, alone.
“N-no, there's nothing, I said that because, you know...” she started to explain, but her friend dismissed her with a wave of her hands.
“Yeah, sorry, horror stories shouldn't have to be my regular these days” she began to pace so as not to give her any more question time, pulling out her hat to wave it in the air “Bye, Diana!”
Though she tried to stay alert, aware of her surroundings and the noises coming from deep in the forest, Anne arrived home exhausted, almost numb from the day's events. Her attitude was so strange that Matthew, who used to listen attentively to her talk and answer occasionally, stroked her shoulder with a hand calloused by long years of hard work in the sun, warm through her dress. She lifted her head to look at him calmly, so tired she would be able to fall asleep in his arms if he dared to hold her “What's wrong, Anne?”
It was so easy to read her that it was beginning to bother her poor ability to disguise or hide her emotions, leaning back against him with a sigh, dressed comfortably enough to be inside her house, scorched by the constantly burning fireplace “School's been so hard lately. I don't understand how I'm going to fit in” .
Her problem was sadly not the one she was relating, and she wished with all her might that it was something so harmless rather than the stark reality she had to face since meeting Gilbert Blythe. While it was a guess, she knew there was no other way the alpha could have found them if it weren't for the cold, sour scent of her uncontrollable panic, which had managed to break through the density and effectiveness of the ointment and drugs she'd been using since she was thirteen to hide her identity. The words would come out on their own if she began to speak, horrified to find an answer as to how he was the only one who had been able to detect her in her entire life, how she could convince him not to talk about what he had discovered, but she didn't know how. She was lost. Her soul was breaking, and her heart was rotting as she watched Matthew's empathetic expression, who had been a loner all his life and knew what it felt like to be unable to find his place, not understanding that the situation was far more serious than he was able to see. It pained her to think of the possibilities, of the fact that they had adopted her despite what she was, knowing they were risking their physical integrities, the lives they had built, the reputation and the farm. All at stake for an issue that she had no choice in, that she could not get rid of no matter how much she wanted to, all because she was an omega woman in a world that had taken it upon itself to hunt them to death. She felt a shudder.
“It's okay, it's okay” he patted her shoulder, sweet, noting her deep frustration “You'll see how time settles everything” She breathed into his chest, the comforting scent of the familiarity of his closeness not knowing what else to say, he heard Marilla's firm footsteps but didn't care to stop hugging him. If she had eyes in the back of her neck, she would have been able to see the woman's frown, surprised at the sudden display of affection between them.
“Is something wrong?”
“No,” the older man replied, patting her head as he broke their embrace. Anne turned and smiled softly so as not to cause further interrogation, feeling more reassured to be home “Everything's fine”.
“Then I find no reason why you shouldn't be helping me with dinner, Anne” she dried her hands with the dish towel resting on her arm, ceasing to block the entrance to the kitchen as she turned away with a reproachful tone “The day you concentrate on your chores will be the day the sky falls in, and so will I”.
“Yes, Marilla” she obeyed without any sort of excuse or stammer, helping to set things on the table in a matter of minutes and watching the stew warming over the fire to perch where it belonged, beginning to serve the meal under the woman's watchful eye. As she sat down at the table she watched the dinner with dismay, picking up the spoon with little motivation and playing with the sauce unconsciously.
Marilla didn't let it go “Child, how many times have I said you can't do that with food? Do you even know how many kids don't have the possibility of a meal like yours?”.
“I'm sorry,” she shoved a spoonful into her mouth, out of obligation not to be foolish before the desire to eat. The occupation of her thoughts did not allow the enjoyment of the taste of dinner, chewing mechanically “My head is far, far away from here”.
“I thought nothing was wrong, but as far as I can see I haven't been told the truth” Marilla wiped her mouth, on the verge of letting out a sigh of exasperation “What's wrong?”.
“It's nothing” she wanted to downplay the situation, but failed miserably as her lower lip began to quiver with anguish, trying to take a deep breath as her tongue wiggled of its own accord “It's just that everyone is so cruel, so cruel when you just want to do good or try to do good despite the treatment you get and I'm tired. Everyone talks behind my back and laughs at me no matter what I do, even the girls who look so sweet say I have lice when I know I don't. The teacher isn't interested in me at all. The teacher isn't interested at all in helping me with extra hours so I can pass my Queen's exam when I'm the only one who didn't have other years of teaching like the others, and he always ignores all the doubts I have, and I have to bother poor Diana to explain so I don't fall further behind than I already am. There are so many rules I don't know that no one bothers to tell me, except Diana who tries to detail every one of them to me although she sometimes forgets because of how natural they seem to her, and I'm sure they all talk too about how my dresses look compared to theirs because they are beautifully colored and feminine and have delicate bows with puffy sleeves, and they all have brown hair or a blonde that looks majestic while I have a horrible color...”.
“Anne” interrupted Marilla, beginning to stroke her brow to regain patience “We've talked about your vanity”.
“I can't control it” her lower lip was still quivering, trying not to blurt out the gravest of her anguish by accident. She felt more frustration at seeing that, of all her worries, Marilla had only rescued the one she could reproach. She clenched her fists under the table.
I'm sick of hiding who I am. I am envious of my fellow ladies who are exemplary by being controlled and simple betas and who don't have to bear the hell of this category. I am sick of raving with fever for days because of my body's impure desires, I am sick of being a ghost prowling this earthly plane forced to hide to aspire to a normal life when no one else has to. I'm sick of having to take care of my medications, ration them and use them every day of my life several times to keep my identity hidden. I'm sick of thinking about the damage I could cause them if I ever decided I wanted to show myself, because I'm sure it would destroy them. I'm sick of feeling threatened, of fearing for my life, of thinking that because of a stupid encounter with a frivolous and uninterested boy my life now hangs because of my nature, because of something I can't change. I'm sick of not even being able to say it, I want to shout it out, I want it to spread across the seven seas, I want it to...
“Would you like to go to bed, then?” Matthew commented, noticing the apprehension reflected on her face not knowing how else to help her. Marilla gave no more than a curious glance, but without intruding on his decision; she preferred absence to having to tolerate watching her play with her food and complain about the dress she had so painstakingly made. Anne nodded with her lips pressed together in frustration, bothering to gather her plate and settling the chair under the table.
She was able to murmur “Goodnight” half-heartedly before, with little finesse, she climbed the stairs quickly enough that they couldn't hear her agonized sobbing. The emotions she had held in all day, the deep worries and raw terror she harbored in her chest, could momentarily be released through tears and gasps as she sought to fill her compressed lungs with oxygen. There, lying on her bed and with her vision blurred in the darkness of the window, she could see the precious petals of the snow-white queen fall tragically from the tree, dead.