Chapter Text
My name is Byul Ji-hye, and I am ten.
I believe no further introduction is required.
Two sentences. Just two. All I needed to present myself to the planet and its people.
Short and Effective. It captured what I wanted to say easily -don’t bother me. To depict myself as a loner and not someone to socialize with.
Introductions. They were the part of the act that could make people walk away disappointed or lead to them feeling intrigued. Wanting more. The performers were not just using introductions on a stage but in real life as well.
We are the actors, presenting ourselves to the world, and the audience, co-workers, friends, and family are watching the script unfold in front of their very eyes.
The main character of the show. Each and every one of us.
Some will walk away; it’s not the type of story they want to listen to. Others will join you. Egg you on, provide witty lines, take you to settings you haven’t explored yet. You may stand alone in your story.
That it’s still a story in the cosmos. The script will end, the performance simply cannot go on. Humans cannot live indefinitely. The movie will be cut.
So, how will you present yourself? What will the introduction to your act be? How will you charm your audience? With carefully spoken lines or rambling on without a care in the world?
These were the questions I asked myself when it was time to tell people what kind of person I was.
My audience usually was the students and teachers. Their reactions would vary. The most common ones were: dumbfounded, amused, or confused.
We need a script for our interactive performance now, no? An inner monologue should do. I had just the thing in mind.
Really? Is that it?
Who the hell is this kid?
Ah, well I didn’t expect that to happen...perhaps this student is shy?
Often, the students tried to ask me questions. My response would be to repeat the last line. I put that into the script since people kept insisting that I should indulge them with more entertainment. “Use more dialogue”, they say.
This wasn’t their story, so I wasn’t going to let them sway the tale I wanted to tell. No matter if people watched or not, the film kept rolling. I was the scriptwriter, performer, and sometimes the spectator.
The next part of my act began. Among the speechless crowd, I sat down at the back of the classroom and put on my headphones. Not paying attention to the guaranteed rumors and stares directed toward me.
With that, I had established that I was a character who didn’t care about what people said and someone to be left alone.
My thoughts drifted off to something else. A couple of years ago, my beginning act would have been different. It would go something like this-
Byul Ji-hye.
My name. It meant bright star. I had wondered why my parents named me that. Ji-Hye wasn’t either of my parents' last names, so they must have a good reason for that.
So, when I was five years old, I asked my parents. My mother was first. Peeking through her door, I heard voices seeping out through the crack. The curiosity got the best of me. I wasn’t allowed to go into my mother’s room, but...I slipped in, waiting quietly.
Surely she wouldn’t mind if she was in the room as well?
People flashed on her computer screen. Talking about sales and production issues. Whatever those things mean. I was aware enough to understand she was busy and shouldn’t bother her.
The meeting droned on for hours. By that time, my head throbbed, swirling to understand what anything meant. There was no way it wasn’t important.
Inflation?
Stocks??
Salespeople???
Huh????
My mother looked worse by the second. That smile of hers was so plastered on that for a second, I wondered if it even could be ripped off. It was so weird, seeing that side of my mom. She looked so..fake.
Her eyes flickered to the corner of the room. She had spotted me. Oops…She didn’t say anything, just went back to the meeting.
When it finally ended, my mother spoke.
“Ji-hye, come here.”
Her voice was calm and even. I would have taken it as a sign that she wasn’t angry but I hadn’t broken any of her rules before. So, how she would react to me breaking the rules, especially the one she was most adamant about, was a foreign concept to me. I was probably going to get in trouble either way. I trudge to my doom, resigned to my fate. She might ground me. I had heard of this thing called ‘grounding’ from my friends. It was when you were forced to be cooped up in your room. Your once cozy bed was now a prison.
To my surprise, she simply opened her arms. I blinked. I stared at her. I expected to be yelled at, like my dad.
“Why are you pouting, child? I haven’t even said anything yet.”
I sighed, curling up in her lap like a cat. Her blond locks that were like gold spun threads brushed the top of my head. I look up at her face, searching for signs. Signs that showed she was furious. Only to find her smiling at me. She ruffled my hair.
She...didn’t look mad.
I hesitated. It was better for me to ask her to bring it up.“Am I in trouble?”
The silence did nothing to ease my racing thoughts.
“Not exactly, why did you come to my room?”
This would decide my fate. Whether I was stuck in a temporary prison cell or escaped with my freedom.
“I wanted to ask you a question.” Best to be honest. I made mistakes before, but usually, if it was the first time and I owned up to it, I wouldn’t get in trouble.
This counted as a mistake, right?
“You didn’t wait outside.” I wilted, like a dying dandelion. Not enough of a good excuse, it seemed.
“I was curious, I’m I allowed to go into your room when you’re here?”
My mom tilted her head, considering it. Or pretended to. You never really know it with her.
“Only if you ask before coming in, I’ll let it slide this time.”
Victorious!
My smugness must have shown on my face since my mom flicked my forehead. Hard. I rubbed my head, which soon turned red.
“Ouch..” I didn’t complain. I was still in the wrong.
“Don’t look so cocky, Ji-hye. Just because I forgive you this time doesn’t give you the right to act like you did nothing wrong. It’s rude.” She sighed, muttering something like ‘what am I going to do with this child?
“Sorry..”
I survived. I lived to tell the tale. I had narrowly escaped my disastrous fate. I raised my head.
“What if it happens next time?”
With a deadpanned face, she said. “You‘ll be grounded.”
My face paled, turning ghostly white. My freedom..gone?
My mother was forced to deal with a kid desperately pleading for her hypothetical punishment to be pardoned.
She remained adamant. I wasn’t going to change her mind. Exhausted from my efforts, I fell asleep.
__________________
“What was the question you wanted to ask me?”
I barely made out what she was saying through my sleep-induced gaze. I forced myself to respond.
“Why did you name me bright star?” I dragged my head up to face her. Blinking. I could tell that wasn't what she expected me to ask, as her eyes widened slightly.
“Ah, that…it’s because you're our little star, sweetie.”
She wrapped her arms around me, tightly.
My mother was like the sun. Bright, radiant and blazing with emotion. That sun of mine could shine too brightly. Blinding me in the process. That sun was usually a small flame instead. A gentle soul. Like those beautiful breezy days when the sun wasn’t so burning.
Warm.
“Why did daddy name me that? You said before that you two both agreed on the name”
“Your father came up with the idea actually. The reason..he would want to tell you himself.”
My face fell, which that reminded me. I tried not to remember that fact. I didn’t complain a lot, but there was one thing that my parents couldn’t get me to stop talking about.
“But dad doesn’t come home early..."
The corner of her lips twitched.
Wait a minute..
I sat up immediately, then shook her hard.
“Dad is coming home. Early! Right? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“Tell your father I said nothing.”
Too late, I was already excited.
__________________
The front door creaked open. A man stepped into the house only to get rammed into by a tiny child. My father.
“Whoa, be careful. How did you-“ His eyes landed on my mother. Who was trying to hide the smile on her face. She was doing a terrible job. The surprise faded from his eyes.
“You told her, didn’t you?” He looked like he had been personally betrayed.
“She figured it out on her own. I had nothing to do with it.”
His eyes narrowed, suspicious of my mother. He let it go. Probably because I kept tugging on his clothing.
“Daddy…” I had missed him a lot. I turned to look at my mother. If my mother was the sun, my father was the moon. Calm and quiet. He let his actions speak for themselves. When the sun was too bright, the moon would reflect it, softening the radiant light. Made it a bit more bearable.
The moon wasn’t a bright star. He was subtle, a hidden presence. He still shone. Not burning hot like the sun, but soft.
The Sun, the moon, and finally the little star. That was my family.
Without another word, he picked me up and took me to my room. Tucked me into bed. I opened my mouth to protest, but he spoke first.
“You’re going to be tired tomorrow. So go to sleep.”
I wanted to argue, but I looked under his eyes. Deep, dark circles under his eye bags. He was exhausted. I knew it wasn’t fair, but I still wanted to spend time with him.
Somehow, in some way, he always managed to spare a few minutes for me. Never complained about how I demanded he stay with me a bit longer when he looked terrible. I once woke up early only to find my dad sleeping with his head on my bed. I had always thought he left, since when I awoke, he was gone.
So instead, I decided to spare him the misery and just ask him the question.
“Dad, why did you name me Byul Ji-hye?”
“Your eyes.”
…What did that have to do with anything?
“My..eyes?”
He turned me to face the mirror and pointed to my irises.
In those pitch black voids, there were prickles of light speckled across them. Stars, in the vast sky. Those stars were drowning in space.
“Oh.”
I never really looked that closely at my features. The compliment I got the most was about my eyes. I never understood why until now. I was used to people showering me with compliments about my looks. That’s all they saw, not a child.
Your skin is like porcelain..
Your hair is so shiny and thick.
I took a look at the mirror again. It was exhausting to hear it over and over again. My dad was staring at me. Again. Trying to figure out what I was thinking. I didn’t want to burden him, so I fell asleep.
Or tried to.
__________________
Yes, that would be what that little girl would say. Her script was long and left no room for imagination. If I were to describe her with one word, it would be naive. That girl's turn was over. That actor, I, had changed. So I took her off the stage. She was only here for a while. Only a small part of the performance. She had her own meaning but I didn't want to dwell on the past. She wasn’t a large part of the story I wanted to share.
I turned on my phone, and the title of a novel popped up. A novel I was very familiar with.
Omniscient Reader Viewpoint.