Chapter Text
David couldn’t stop thinking about it, about what his farther did and the amount of burdens he brought to everyone around him. The shit he put his mother through, and not to mention Brenda losing her farther when she hadn’t done anything wrong.
‘Wrong,’ the word repeated in his mind more times than he could count, because he hated that he was wrong. He hated how he liked Exer, and he blamed himself for the fact that Exer liked him back. He hated the way that he could see the sadness in Brenda’s eyes when someone brought up their farther, he knew it was because of him. He knew it was because he was different, and there was no changing that.
He also hated the way that people noticed he wasn’t okay, like poor Harry for example. He especially felt bad because Harry tried to help, tried to catch David when he was alone but David always acted like he was fine when he actually wasn’t. He loved Harry, he was like the farther he never had and that’s why he didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve anyone, he didn’t like the fact that Exer loved him, he didn’t like the fact that Ron loved him, Brenda, or his mom.
He didn’t like the fact that he could barely get out of bed, he didn’t like the fact that he found it hard to even brush his teeth, he hated the fact he’d been so snappy towards the people that loved him most. He hated that he was real, he hated the fact that his mom created a mistake like him, he hated the fact he was ever even born, he hated the fact he made friends, had a sister, a mother, and the fact he had a good life that he didn’t deserve. He hated that he was alive.
He sort of felt like maybe he should’ve just never been born, Brenda would be happier and no one would be burdened by him.
No one was making it better for him either, he heard the snide comments made about him as he walked down the school hallways. Everyone always believed he was a queer, but his dad and football covered it up well. But now he has no dad and hand doesn’t play football anymore, he knows he will only let the team down and the fact that he lost weight didn’t help his case one bit. The worst part was, he wanted to lose that weight, and he still does. He wants it all to be gone till it just kills him off eventually. That’s why he refrained from taking his shirt off in front of Exer, because he know the questions would pour in like a flash flood.
For some reason, David didn’t understand why he felt like this, and why he isolated himself then felt abandoned by people after telling them to leave him alone. Like his poor sister, who just loved him too much, his mother who would kill for him, and Exer. The man he loved most.
The worst part was, he didn’t just feel abandoned… he felt like everyone was criticising him. When he walked down the hallway and heard a snicker behind him, he always thought it was him. Sometimes it was him, other times he was wrong and blinded by insecurity. The real thing was the fact that people did hate him now, and will for a long while. What he did to Jackson was terrible, he didn’t blame Exer, why would he? He blamed himself, he should’ve stopped Exer or tried harder to become better friends with Jackson, or maybe he could’ve left him alone. Just, left him alone so that none of that would’ve happened because if he had left Jackson alone, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so hurt.
Doesn’t matter if he’s pulling the pin or not, everyone who gets close to him gets hurt. Exer. A boy who got hurt by David directly, twice, all because David couldn’t handle Exer dating his sister and because he couldn’t accept Exer’s powers. Brenda. She lost her dad because of him, and he can’t bring his dad back so he can’t even try to fix it. Ronald. Ronald said he felt left out and that was David’s fault, he didn’t even know how it just was. His mum. And that didn’t need any explanation because him just being in his mothers life ruined it. Last of all, him. He ruined his own life by being alive.
It was around after winter break time he started thinking these so strongly, but throughout the past couple of month they’d been flickering on and off in his head like and old lightbulb. It made it worse whenever he was picked on by his classmates, wether it was a joke or not it always hurt. It never used to, when his classmates made jokes about him to his face, he never really cared all that much. Yeah it stung a little, but it never used to make him want to cry?
Honestly, he found it embarrassing the day that his mother came to talk to him about it. He didn’t even know why it was embarrassing but as his mother talked about depression and suicide he felt his face heat up. It made him want to curl up into a ball and just die. Especially at the part where his mother said that “I won’t be able to live without you or Brenda.”
He thought she was bluffing. His life isn’t worth that much so she had to be bluffing, he understood Brenda’s half though. Brenda was worth much more than him, she’s smart, beautiful, amazing at everything she does so she’s much more worth than him. David’s just David, a young boy who got kicked out of his house for being gay. He was the worst person he knew, he was purely just annoying, ugly, weird, an embarrassment, fat.
On that matter he wanted to keep losing weight, he couldn’t understand why but he just really needed to lose weight, feeling so light was like an addiction. Being able to be picked up by Exer was also nice, although, Exer didn’t like it too much. That didn’t change much, he did remember every time Exer told him how he should eat more and how he should stop losing weight. He didn’t care though because every time he fainted, he felt okay about it, he felt like he deserved to feel depressed.
The one time Exer ran his fingers over David’s ribs though, he felt sick to his stomach. At the time Exer didn’t know what was going on with David, so David didn’t tell him a thing. Harry did however tell Exer. He told Exer how he was worried about David and the weight he had lost and how every time David stood up he’d rock due to dizziness. Even when David did eat, he kept the portions small and it was mainly vegetables.
He knew he was hurting the people around him, he’d never get better, at least not while he was alive, maybe when he was dead he would finally feel some sort of peace, maybe he wouldn’t feel anything. Maybe death would be like the warm hug he never received from his father. Maybe it would feel worse than being beaten to the ground by his dad. Maybe death would be like nothing at all, like he never existed, his brain would shut down and that would be it. He wouldn’t be able to come back to Earth, maybe the concept of heaven, hell, reincarnation, and ghosts are all to comfort people who don’t want death to be nothing.
Another day, Brenda told David that she couldn’t live without him, she must’ve overheard the conversation between him and Christine.
David, of course, thinks she’s lying, who the hell would die for him anyways. Let alone literally kill themselves because he’s no longer alive.
The good thing was though, at least no one else knew, and that no one else included Exer. If Exer found out, David didn’t know what the hell he would do. Maybe, he would cry, scream, or just not care all that much because what the point anymore if he was inevitably going to die anyway.
Of course he felt guilty for wanting to die, how could he not feel guilty. He was leaving everyone behind including his poor sister and friends. David didn’t care all that much though because he saw it as finally doing something for himself, he’d been taking care of people, being selfless, caring, kind. One final selfish act wouldn’t hurt because he knew that he made it up to everyone. He became friends with Pamela, he managed to stop being so ignorant, he managed to make it up to Jackson. All he had left was to do something for himself.
So, he planned.
One week from now he would do it, he didn’t want to act on it just yet as he had to do things to prepare, give some of his things away, clean the house, box up all of his stuff, most importantly plan and write his notes.
David didn’t want to leave his loved ones empty, he wanted them to know it wasn’t anyone’s fault but his. So notes were the perfect thing to do, he’d write one to Brenda, his mum, Exer, Ronald, Pamela, Jackson, Harry, and his father.
He wanted to write one to his father for an obvious fact, he was still David’s dad and nothing could change that. He wasn’t going to write anything much to his father, only that he still loved him and forgave him for what he did. He would also write about how he didn’t like him but that doesn’t matter because he still loves him.
Harry got one because he was like a second dad to David, always welcoming, always warm, and always helped David no matter what.
The reasons for the rest of the notes were pretty obvious, they were the people closest to him and he wanted to thank them and tell them that he loved them.
David planned to jump of the bridge just outside of his town, not many people went on the bridge to walk so he was in the clear for the path part of the bridge, cars often went over the bridge but I was extremely hard to see pedestrians if you were driving so he had that figured out. He didn’t want to traumatise anyone because that’s not the kind of person he is. He would do it after school and skip football practice so his mother and sister wouldn’t be suspicious for a while after school. He knew Ronald would be suspicious so he would just tell Ron that he was skipping practice and going to the cup’o’cat with Exer. He would tell Exer that he is going straight home. If all else fails he will go to the cup’o’cat with Exer and when Exer’s shift finishes he will just walk to the bridge after.
He wanted this to work.
After he planned, he felt a sense of relief and an overwhelming sense of sadness and happiness. But he wasn’t sad because he was going to die, he was sad about all the people he would hurt.
David is the first to go.