Chapter Text
"Remember, men!" Cartman's voice boomed across the camp.
"The Kingdom of Kupa Keep has been at war with the Elven scumbags for years. They show no mercy, and neither do we! The Stick of Truth is the most powerful artifact in the universe, and it belongs to us! We've got a lead on where it might be, so we need to make sure we retrieve it before those pointy eared assholes do. Sharpen your swords, prepare your spells, and tomorrow, we fight for glory itself!"
Tweek and Craig stood side by side in the training yard, exchanging a quick glance before diving back into their drills. Craig twirled a dagger effortlessly, while Tweek pulled back his bowstring with steady focus, their movements syncing in perfect rhythm only they seemed to share.
Tweek loosed an arrow, striking the dummy clean in the chest. Craig's dagger struck into the exact spot a heartbeat later.
Craig smirked, resting his hand against the handle. "Not bad. Still not as fast as me, though."
Tweek huffed, stringing another arrow. "Ngh- I hit the target first! You just like to look cool."
Craig leaned closer, chuckling softly. "Maybe. But between the two of us, no one's getting close enough to touch you anyway."
Tweek faltered, his ears pink as he tried to steady his next arrow. "C-Craig?! D-don't say stuff like that while I'm aiming!"
Still, the arrow landed dead center.
Craig kissed his boyfriend's forehead lightly. "Good shot, honey."
Cartman groaned loud enough to rattle the camp. "Ugh, nobody cares about your gross couple shit! This is WAR! I can't believe two of my three greatest warriors are fags." His glare shifted to Craig.
"Craig! Quit flirting with your boyfriend and go over your mission. You're infiltrating the Elven base. Scope out their defenses, find weaknesses, sniff out anything they're hiding. Got it?"
Craig gave him the finger. "It's Feldspar to you, dick." To everyone else, he was Feldspar. But to his boyfriend, he was Craig, and no one else was allowed that closeness.
Then he turned, pressing a quick kiss to Tweek's cheek, and murmured, "See you later, babe."
Tweek flushed as Craig strolled off.
"Goddamn asshole..." Cartman grumbled. He whipped back toward Tweek. "And you! I know your aiming's solid, but we can't afford mistakes. So quit thinking about Feldspar's dick in your mouth and get back to training!"
Tweek's face burned red as he fired off another arrow in silence.
"Butters!" Cartman barked.
"Yes, Grand Wizard?" Butters piped up, halfway through polishing his armor.
"Go make yourself useful and double check the supply wagons. If we're out of healing potions tomorrow, it's on your ass."
"Yes m'lord!" Butters scrambled off.
Scott raised his hand nervously from the sidelines. "Uh, I-I'm ready. My weapon's polished and... my diabetes isn't acting up today."
"Fucking great," Cartman muttered. "One hit and you'll topple over. Go get healing spells from Tolkien, we can't afford to lose you during the fight."
"Hey," Tolkien cut in sharply, closing the cover of his healer's book. "Don't dump him on me, I've got men from yesterday's battle still waiting on bandages. We need to prioritize the wounded, just give him a epi-pen."
A loud crash cut through the camp.
Clyde stumbled in, red faced, carrying a crate way too heavy for him. "Do you guys even realize how much potions weigh?! At least let me fight for once!"
Cartman pinched the bridge of his nose. "No, Clyde. For the last time, your only job is to sell. You're useless at literally everything else."
Clyde glared but set the crate down with a thud, muttering under his breath.
"Jesus Christ," Cartman snapped. "Is no one ready for this fight?! Don't you lazy assholes understand this is WAR?!"
From the back, Scott mumbled, "Well... you don't say anything about Kenny just sitting on a throne all day."
The entire camp froze.
Kenny rose slowly, dress swishing as he adjusted his wig. "...You dare dishonor the princess?" His muffled voice was icy.
"N-No, your highness!" Scott squeaked.
Kenny flicked his hair with a smug little hum and sat back down.
Cartman finally lost it. "That's IT! Everyone shut the fuck up and prepare! If we lose a single man tomorrow, I'm working you all to death in training until you puke blood!"
The camp went dead silent
Then the clamor of weapons and armor doubled as everyone scrambled to get ready.
-
Cartman's shadow spilled over the table where Craig sat casually, one boot propped on a chair, idly spinning a dagger between his fingers.
"Feldspar, do you have your mission planned out?" Cartman demanded, arms crossed as he loomed over Craig.
Craig leaned back in the chair, not bothering glancing up. He let the blade tap against the wooden table with a faint clink before catching it by the handle.
"Yeah. Their base looks easy enough to slip into. Won't be a problem." His tone was flat, unconcerned.
Cartman smirked, satisfied. "Good. After tomorrow's battle, you sneak in, listen in on their meeting, and dig up anything they're hiding. Clear?"
Craig finally looked up, his blue eyes cold, unreadable. "Alright."
Cartman's eyebrow twitched, lips curling in irritation. "That's 'yes, m'lord,' asshole. Show some Goddamn respect!"
Craig slowly rose from his chair, slipping the dagger back into his belt. Without breaking eye contact, he lifted his hand and flipped Cartman off with deliberate slowness, his expression blank. "Respect that."
The tent flap swayed behind him as he left, Cartman muttering curses about "respecting his authority" under his breath as Craig walked off.
Outside, Craig smirked faintly to himself, already thinking about returning to Tweek.
-
Craig slipped into their tent, lit only by a small lantern. Tweek was curled on the bedroll, dozing lightly. Craig crouched down and pressed soft kisses across his cheeks until Tweek stirred, rubbing his eyes, then smiling once he realized who it was.
"Sorry for waking you, honey. I missed you," Craig murmured, pulling him into his arms.
Tweek giggled softly. "I-I tried waiting for you, but you took so long. How's the plan? Cartman's been cracking down on you about it nonstop."
Craig brushed his thumb over his boyfriend's cheek. "It's fine, their defenses are pathetic. I couldn't stop thinking about you anyway."
Tweek's face flushed. "Ngh!- s-stop saying things like that!" He giggled despite himself.
They laid together in the quiet, just staring at each other. Tweek yawned, and Craig pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.
"Get some rest, baby. We'll need it tomorrow."
"Mmm. Goodnight, Craig."
Craig blew out the lantern. "Goodnight, honey."