Chapter Text
When someone was yelling at him and Kelly’s fight or flight instincts kicked in, he always ended up in fight over flight. Until one day, he picked differently.
It had started as a normal call, at least for 51. Everyone got called out for an apartment fire but on pulling up at the scene, they quickly found that things were bad already. Too much fire and smoke, too many people still inside. People were running out of the building but with the number of apartments inside the building, there were a lot not out yet.
“Severide, Squad, start making your way up, Casey, Truck, get a vent going on the roof.”
Realising just how little time they had, everyone acknowledged Boden’s orders while already moving. Fighting people flowing out, while trying to get into the building was more challenging than Kelly hoped, everyone too desperate to get out and save themselvesm they didn’t get out of the way of the firefighters. Once inside the building, things weren’t easier.
“Capp, Tony, start on one, Cruz and I will go up to two,” Kelly ordered.
Once they were up on two, there were less people to fight past but worse smoke. Kelly had no idea where the fire had started but it didn’t matter anymore. Right now, all they had to focus on was getting people out. Understanding what had caused the fire could come later in the investigation.
Banging on apartment doors, Kelly and Cruz found most of them empty and the only person they did find would be able to get out on their own.
So, they continued up.
“Severide, what floor are you on?” Boden demanded over the radio.
“Seven with Cruz, Capp and Tony are on six.” There was still one more they hadn’t searched yet.
“How bad is it?”
“Smoke’s bad,” Kelly relayed, “But things are still standing.”
“You have two minutes before you need to be out.”
Kelly didn’t waste time arguing with that. Especially when he’d just stumbled onto someone trapped under a fallen shelf.
“Cruz, help me,” Kelly shouted, ordering his fellow Squad member over.
Between them they managed to get it up easily but the victim had at least one shattered leg bone and wasn’t going to be walking down the stairs alone.
“Cruz, take her down, I’ll search eight.”
“Severide, are you sure?”
“Cruz, take her down,” Kelly repeated, “I don’t need you and she does.”
If he needed it, he would have asked Capp or Tony to come up but he could handle one floor search himself. And from the radio chatter he’d heard, it sounded like they might have been on their way down as well with their own victims. Given the limited time they had, he couldn’t afford to wait.
“Fire department, call out,” he shouted into an apartment halfway down the eighth floor hallway.
No one appeared to respond but Kelly thought that he heard a whimper. Stepping further into the apartment, he heard it again. Given the smoke levels and fire burning the walls, visibility wasn’t easy and trying to find someone wouldn’t have been possible without a heat detector. Without it, he never would have spotted the girl hiding under the bed.
“Hey, are you able to come out of here and come with me?” Kelly asked, lying down on the floor to be at the same level as her.
It wasn’t easy to tell but she looked to be no older that seven and she wasn’t in a rush to come out. Reaching an arm in, he had no choice but to drag her out. Thankfully, she either wasn’t strong enough or didn’t put up enough resistance for it to be too difficult.
But now he had a choice. Under different circumstances, he would carry her down and out of the building but they were too many floors up and there were apartments he hadn’t searched yet, something he couldn’t risk doing with a little girl in his arms.
“Is someone able to help me with get a girl down?” Kelly asked over the radio.
“Casey and Cruz are coming up now. But Severide, you need to get out.”
He had to be close to the end of Boden’s two minute timer, there wasn’t time to doubt his decision.
“Hey, can you be really brave for me and go down the stairs?” he asked the girl. It was so not the choice he wanted to make but he didn’t want to not search the last couple of apartments and risk leaving someone up here to die.
Thankfully, she nodded, “Yes.”
Kelly placed her down on her own feet, “Run down until you see my friends and they can help you.”
She hesitated slightly but took off in the direction of the stairs. Once she was out of sight, Kelly continued on down the hallway banging on doors.
“Severide, you need to get out now,” Boden demanded again.
“Two more left Chief,” Kelly told him, not turning around. “Casey, have you found the girl I sent down?”
“No, Severide.”
Kelly cursed but continued his search of the last two apartments. After finding the last one empty, he finally turned around to make it down himself. Making his way back down the hallway was made considerably more difficult with roof pieces starting to fall around him.
“Severide, I have the girl,” Casey informed him as he reached the sixth floor, “She’s trapped under fallen debris.”
Kelly didn’t wait to ask where exactly they were, figuring he’d find them on his way down. And he did, in the stairwell between the fifth and fourth floors. Between Casey and Cruz, they’d managed to get her out from whatever had trapped her but she looked bad. Even with all of the smoke around, Kelly could already see where burns were starting to form.
“Everyone, out now,” Boden demanded over the radio, not leaving any room for an argument.
Casey scooped up the girl, and together the three of them made it down and out of the building. The second they were clear, water was starting to get sprayed at the building. Dawson came running at them with a gurney and Casey placed the girl on it. The paramedics started talking about intubation but Kelly couldn’t hang around to listen.
“Severide, what the fuck?”
Kelly turned around to see an angry Casey charging at him, “What?”
“You left that girl to go down alone.”
“I had to. There was no time and there were apartments I hadn’t searched yet.”
“You could have waited until Cruz and I got there.”
“Didn’t you hear me? There was no time.”
“You should have stayed with her or come down with her. Then this might not have happened.”
“And not searched the last apartments? What if there was someone in them, stuck who needed help?”
“You still should not have left a child alone like that.” Casey was now right in his face but Kelly hadn’t stepped back. He wasn’t back down from this. He’d been in a terrible situation where there was no good option.
“Lieutenants, enough,” Boden shouted, getting their attention. As their heads swivelled to face the Chief, Otis and Cruz got in between the two Lieutenants. “You both know better than to act like that, especially while still on scene. Now, separate before I force you to.”
Knowing better than to argue, despite how much he wanted to, Kelly stepped back as Casey did the same. He wasn’t going to risk more of the Chief’s wrath right now. Turning around, he focused on his Squad and not all of the things he wanted to say to Casey.
Everyone, outside of the ambulance, back at the same time. Not wanting to anger the Chief more, Kelly steered clear of Casey, sticking to the Squad table rather than the common room inside. He was still angry enough with Casey’s judgement of him, and still running hot with adrenaline, that he knew seeing him wasn’t the right option. Thankfully, Casey stayed clear as well.
Until dinner was served and Kelly had no choice but to head inside. Didn’t stop him from taking the seat furtherest from Casey and pointedly not look in his direction.
“Have you heard about the girl?” he heard Casey ask Dawson when she sat next to him, “Will she be alright?”
Kelly lifted his head in time to see Dawson shake hers, “She’s in ICU, doctors don’t think that she’s going to make it.”
“Severide, you hear that, that’s what happens when you fuck up and leave a child alone in a burning building about to collapse,” Casey almost shouted across the room. For him to act like that, he had to be still be running hot on the matter.
“I’m sorry, I missed the part where you became my boss,” Kelly sniped, “And I didn’t fuck up, I made a choice.”
“The wrong choice.”
“What would you rather I do? Not search for more victims, or risk burning in the building waiting for you to climb up?”
“Anything but leave that girl alone. You had to know that that would never end well.”
Kelly rose out of his chair, dinner long forgotten. Everyone else at the table was watching the soap opera playing out between the two Lieutenants, heads swivelling between the two of them. As Kelly moved around the table, Casey stood as well. Herrmann tried to grab his arm to stop him but Casey shook that off, striding forward until he and Kelly were inches apart.
“If that girl dies, that’s all your fault, no one else, but you, because you fucked up,” Casey told it, “It’s your fault.”
Before Kelly could say anything, or more realistically shove Casey, a booming voice echoed around the room, “Severide, Casey, my office now.”
No one else said anything as Kelly and Casey followed Boden out of the room and into his office.
“That was completely out of line,” Boden told them as soon as the office door was shut behind them, “You are supposed to both be leaders in this house and you are not acting like it.”
Kelly found himself completely tuning the rest of Boden’s lecture out. It wasn’t out of disrespect or a desire not to listen, but his brain was still fixated on Casey’s last words.
It’s your fault.
He couldn’t get them out of his head. It was his fault if she died. He’d made a choice and she could end up paying the price.
It’s your fault.
Just like it was his fault his Dad left, or that his Dad cheated on his Mom when he came back, or that Andy died because he followed Kelly into the service, or that Shay died. It was all his fault. He wasn’t a good enough leader or firefighter and it was his fault.
“Do I make myself clear?” he heard Boden say but the voice sounded miles away. Kelly nodded, knowing that was what was expected, and then they were dismissed.
He waited a beat, let Casey exit the Chief’s office first before following after. Not wanting to be anywhere near Casey right now, he hid in his office instead, drawing the blinds and shutting the door, making it clear he didn’t want to see anyway. He didn’t even care that he hadn’t actually eaten any of his dinner, his stomach no longer hungry.
It’s your fault
Lying down on his bed, he stared up at the ceiling. He still didn’t actually know if he’d made a mistake today and that made things even worse If he had, and he didn’t even know it, he couldn’t trust his instincts anymore. And without that, could he even be a firefighter anymore?
It’s your fault
He didn’t sleep well that night, or possibly at all. All he did was lie there and think about all of the things he’d ever fucked up. Thankfully, they weren’t called out overnight as he certainly wasn’t in the right head space for the job right now.
He managed to make it out the next morning without stopping to talk to anyone. A couple of people tried to talk to him but he just shrugged them off, not prepared for any level of conversation.
Kelly was impulsive, he knew that about himself. So, before he did anything rash, he slept on it one more night. It didn’t help, he still couldn’t sleep but it didn’t change his decision.
Maybe he should call his Dad first but he wasn’t hugely interested in talking through all of his mistakes with Benny Severide. So, he didn’t.
Heading to the firehouse on his day off, he tried to sneak in without being seen but that didn’t happen. He’d hoped that first shift would be out on a call somewhere but everyone was around and lingering about the house.
“Severide, you thinking of changing to first shift?” one of the Truck guys shouted, alerting everyone else to his presence.
“Realised I’d forgotten to put a couple of reports on the Chief’s desk,” Kelly lied, not stopping his walk forward, “Didn’t want to start my next shift getting yelled at.”
Thankfully, everyone not only bought his lie but laughed at it too. And he could continue on towards Boden’s office.
He didn’t give himself a chance to doubt his decision. He slammed the papers down in the centre of the desk, right where Boden would see them next time he sat down at his desk.
And then he walked out.
Matt entered the briefing room at the beginning of shift. Taking his usual position against the wall, he glanced to where Severide normally stood and found it empty. Technically, shift didn’t start for another two minutes so there was time but everyone else was already here.
Severide still hadn’t entered the briefing room but neither had the Chief. At this point, Matt assumed he was with the Chief talking about something.
But then, five minutes after shift started, Boden entered the room without Severide.
“Alright, I’ve just been dealt some shocking news,” Boden opened, “Lieutenant Severide has submitted his resignation papers.”
A gasp echoed around the room. Matt thought that he’d silenced his own but he couldn’t be certain.
Severide lived to be a firefighter, it was all he ever wanted. For him to quit, Matt couldn’t believe it.
“I’ve put in for a floater officer for the shift while we sort out a permanent replacement officer for Squad,” Boden continued.
Everyone appeared to get over their initial shock and questions got shouted across the room at Boden. Matt couldn’t make out an individual question or an individual asking one.
“Silence, please,” Boden shouted to be heard, “I know that everyone has a lot of questions and I’m sorry but I don’t have the answers now. All I have is Kelly’s resignations papers left on my desk.”
After all the years they’d worked together, Matt couldn’t believe that Severide had left without saying anything. He’d just walked away.
“I will let you know when a permanent officer is assigned to Squad.”
Matt wasn’t surprised when he was bombarded with questions as soon as Boden dismissed them but he didn’t have any more answers having been just as surprised as everyone else.
They didn’t have long to stand around stunned as Truck and Ambulance got called out. Thankfully, by the time that Squad got called out for the first time, Boden had managed to get a floater in to fill in for Severide. It wasn’t the same, but at least the shift wasn’t short staffed.
“You seriously didn’t know about Severide quitting?” Mouch asked when they finally had downtime between calls.
Matt shook his head, “No, last time I spoke to him was our last shift.”
“What do you think he’s going to do if not be a firefighter?”
“I don’t know.”
While Severide had had other odd jobs, his main focus was always being a firefighter. Matt couldn’t imagine him doing anything else.
“Has anyone heard from him?” Otis asked.
No one spoke up and that consolidated Matt’s plan to drop by Severide’s place as soon as the shift was over. He was already a little worried as to what he might find. He knew what had happened after Shay died and he couldn’t help but worry that this might be worse. Unfortunately, there were still over 18 hours before the shift ended and a lot of time for him to worry. Under different circumstances, he might have asked Boden for half an hour but given the shift was already one officer short, he didn’t ask.
Severide was a frequent subject of conversation for the rest of the shift even if they never got anymore information. Matt tried to call Severide a couple of times but each call when unanswered. He didn’t bothered leaving the message. If Severide wanted to talk, he could call Matt back.
As soon as the shift was over, Matt escaped the firehouse and made his way straight to Severide’s place. He honestly expected others to want to join him but no one asked. They had to all know where he was going though.
Once there, Matt loudly knocked on the door but there was no answer, no matter how much he knocked. A little worried for Severide, Matt retrieved the spare key and let himself inside.
It was a little difficult to tell with all of the blinds shut but everything inside looked normal and where it should be. Not wanting to scare Severide, Matt repeatedly announced himself as he walked around, trying to locate him. But, he came up empty.
With his car outside, Severide couldn’t have gone far. So, he made his way back to the lounge and settled on the couch, content to wait until Severide returned, whenever that was.
But, he waited and waited and waited.
He tried to call Severide a couple more times but they all went unanswered as well. He didn’t want to leave without speaking to Severide but it was already after 7pm and he didn’t know how much longer he could stay. Also getting tired of just sitting there doing nothing, Matt started to snoop around a little, just seeing if he could understand at all what had happened.
He didn’t feel too nosy until he reached Severide’s bedroom. But, he hadn’t found anything anywhere else and was running out of options. He hated himself for it slightly but he made his way inside. It was just as dark as everywhere else with curtains shut so Matt had to turn a light on to see much.
At first, he didn’t think there was anything here either. That was until he pushed the wardrobe door open and noticed a couple of empty hangers. Opening a few of the drawers, he found a few more items missing.
And then he realised he’d wasted the day.
Severide wasn’t here and he wasn’t coming back any time soon.