Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My dearest, Daichi,

I hope this letter finds you well.

I’ve been a coward. A real coward because only a coward would do what I did. I know I should call you, or even text you but I fear if the news get to you that fast, you will try and change my mind. I can’t do that to him. Or myself. I know I shouldn’t have said say today, but what was I supposed to do? Wait for you forever? You and I both know I would do that if I believed you could finally come back to me. Even though you are the only thing that keeps me going, I can’t be that cruel and hurt your relationship and my own. If I were brave enough, I would’ve rejected that proposal and come straight to you and beg you to finally give us a chance. But I just can’t be that selfish and cruel.

I know you feel the same, I know you want to give us a chance but at the same time I know it’s just too late for us. I wish I made a move in high school, or even in college. See, the cowardness comes out again. You are an amazing person, your significant other is also an amazing person and I can’t ruin a perfectly good relationship because I just know that deep down you’re also in love with me.

Before this letter ever reaches you, you will hear about my engagement. I just hope I didn’t disappoint you with my actions. And I hope you won’t rush into something.

My dear Daichi, I have spent 15 years loving you in secret. Keeping my feelings hidden in the very dark corner of my closet. And now, this must come to an end. We both know we have feelings for eachother and we both won’t act on it. So tonight, I will be burning all my letters I have written for you and was too scared to send. I will be burning all the letter you have sent me over the years, just so we could maybe keep loving eachother in secret. Maybe you were also scared to make a move, to end your relationship and finally be with me. I won’t judge you because I am also doing the same.

I remember you telling me you felt guilty when you went back home after hanging out with me alone, because you felt like you were cheating. I know I laughed it off back then and called you silly but I also felt the same. Everytime, I went back home and confessed everything I was feeling in one of these letters.

Even though I said yes, even though I’m engaged to someone else, all I want is you. I feel like I won’t care if people judged us, but I know it isn’t true. I have always cared a bit too much.

So, Daichi, whenever this letter finds you, even if it’s in 10 years, text me the word “yellow” and I’ll know. If I get that text, I promise I won’t be a coward anymore and run back home, to you.

I love you so much,

Your Koushi.

Koushi folded the letter and put it into the yellow envelope he took out from his desk drawer. He put the envelope into the box of other many letters he wrote to Daichi and stared at his hand, which had a thin gold band on his ring finger.

He couldn’t believe himself. Couldn’t believe the fact that he was engaged to someone. Someone that was not Daichi.

The not Daichi is your boyfriend for 3 years, he thought to himself. Koushi sighed and put the box away into the locked cabinet in his office.

“Honey, are you coming,” Koushi heard his boyfriend, no, fiance call out to him.

“I’m coming,” Koushi called back and got out into the living room. He saw the roses, which he hated, and the candles on the table again. Two champagne glasses sat on the table and his fiance was opening a bottle of champagne.

“Where have you been, baby. I thought you got sick or something,” he smiled at Koushi.

“No need to worry, I just needed to do something in my office,” Koushi said as he got closer to the table. “Did you make dessert for me too,” Koushi asked, leaning against the small table.

“Well I thought dessert would be on you,” Makoto said, putting his hands on Koushi’s waist and looking in his eyes. Koushi avoided his gaze, turning his head around just as Makoto leaned in for a kiss. The kiss landed on Koushi’s cheek, which surprised Makoto. “Do you not want to,” he asked.

“No, of course I want to. It’s just, you know I have sweet tooth, especially after dinners,” Koushi explained.

“Oh, I actually forgot about that,” Makoto said sheepishly, putting one of his hands behind his neck. When he did that, he looked so much like Daichi, it made Koushi’s chest hurt. But at the same time, his statement made Koushi realize once again, he didn’t really know him. He didn’t try to remember or get to know what is under the surface. Even the smallest things like Koushi’s sweet tooth, Makoto didn’t bother to remember. They got along physically but, emotionally, Makoto didn’t satisfy Koushi. Not even once in the past three years. He got his emotional hunger fulfilled by Daichi. During his small phone calls or even with one simple message. He didn’t even need to see Koushi to make him feel better.

“I have an idea.” Makoto’s voice pulled Koushi out of his thoughts. Koushi looked at him. “I’m gonna order you some ice cream and while we wait, I’ll have my cake,” Makoto said, squeezing Koushi’s ass softly.

“I like that idea actually,” Koushi said, putting his arms around Makoto’s neck. Makoto put in the order for the ice cream and carried Koushi to their room.

“I have some news, can you meet up with me during lunch,” Koushi said the second Daichi picked up his phone.

“Uhh, sure, wanna meet up at that ramen spot close to your school,” Daichi asked.

“Isn’t that kinda far for you?”

“I like that place too, plus, I haven’t talked to you the whole weekend. I would drive 10 hours just to see you,” Daichi chuckled softly. It made Koushi’s heart hurt. It hurt, knowing how much Daichi cared for him. It hurt knowing even though they were both in separate relationships, Daichi would do anything just to see him smile.

“Okay, see you at noon.”

Koushi didn’t wear his ring while going to the ramen shop. He put it in his pocket. He didn’t want Daichi to realize without him telling first. When he entered the shop, Daichi was already there, waiting for him. Daichi got up to greet him.

“Hey, welcome,” Daichi said, pulling Koushi into a hug. He smelled good. Looked even better.

“Hey,” Koushi said, pulling apart to sit at his chair. “I’m so hungry.”

“I guessed and ordered your regular,” Daichi gave him his boyish smile.

“You are amazing.”

“You said you had some news,” Daichi said, looking at him.

“I’ll tell after we eat,” Koushi said dismissively.

They chatted a bit before their orders came. Daichi stopped the waitress before she can go.

“Can we please have some ice cream after we finish,“ Daichi said.

“Of course, flag me down after you finish and I’ll take your order.” The waitress smiled and left.

“I know you like having dessert after dinner and since it’s so hot, I thought we could have some ice cream,” Daichi said before digging in.

Daichi knew him too well. He knew about Koushi’s sweet tooth. He knew Koushi’s order by heart. He knew when to text him, when to call. Makoto didn’t know any of those. In three years he didn’t even bother to learn that Koushi didn’t like roses. But Daichi always knew.

Koushi realized that Daichi was staring at him.

“I thought you were starving,” Daichi said. Koushi couldn’t wait any longer. He pulled his ring out of his pocket and put it onto the table. Daichi had a weird look on his face.

“Makoto asked me to marry him, I said yes.”

It was almost like everything went silent. Daichi stopped eating, he couldn’t even look at Koushi. His eyes glued on the ring sitting on the table.

They sat quietly for a while. Daichi finally broke the silence and looked right at Koushi.

“Congratulations, Suga. I’m so happy for you,” Daichi said, voice tight. “I need to use the bathroom,” Daichi added and just left.

Daichi,

I don’t want to get married. I don’t think I can. I can’t go through with this while I’m in love with you.

But I also can’t ruin everything for the both of us.

I can tell you feel something for me too. If I ever get the courage to give you these letters, please, just tell me if you ever felt the same for me.

I can’t ever stop loving you.

Yours truly,

Koushi.

The day Koushi told Daichi about his engagement he just went home and cried for hours. He couldn’t even finish writing a letter, couldn’t make proper sentences. Couldn’t stay focused. He just wanted to call Daichi, hear his voice. Have him tell Koushi that everything was going to be alright. But he couldn’t. So he did the next best thing.

“Asahi, can we talk?”

“Hi, Suga, is everything okay? You sound kinda frantic,” Asahi said.

“Makoto asked me to marry him, I said yes.”

The phone call got silent. After a few seconds of silence Asahi cleared his throat.

“Oh, congratulations,” Asahi said, trying so hard to sound cheerful.

“Asahi.”

“Yes, Suga?”

“I’m in love with Daichi.”

“Fuck,” Asahi cursed. “I want to say I’m surprised but I’m not. I’m coming over, is Makoto home?”

“No, he’s still working. But you really don’t have to, I’m fine, I promise,” Koushi said.

“I’m getting in the car now, I’ll be there in 15 minutes,” Asahi said and ended the call.

Koushi just stared at the wall where pictures of him and Makoto were hanging. They looked happy in them and they were happy. They looked good together, complimented each other’s looks, some might even say they were a perfect match. But, every passing day reminded Koushi that they were only good from the outside. In their relationship, Makoto tried to seem like he cared but frankly he was never successful. He never bothered to remember important stuff, had a tendency of overworking and just avoiding Koushi during the week days. He never really tried tı get to know Koushi’s friends, he only knew about Daichi from overexposure. At first, Koushi tried really hard to incorporate Makoto in his life. Invited him to meet his friends, join his weekly hangouts with Daichi or at least the monthly dinner meetings with Kiyoko, Asahi and Daichi. During the first few months, Makoto played along. Reluctantly came to the dinners and the weekend lunches. But after the novelty of their new relationship ran out, he started making excuses. It started with “I have to work this weekend,” then came “I feel like an outsider when I’m with your friends,” then he hit Koushi with “I just don’t think your friends are that fun, maybe we can hangout with our separate friend groups.”. Every excuse, every slight insult to Koushi’s friends just hurt. He never outright insulted them, but Makoto still had some pointed comments at his friends, eyerolls to their direction when he thought Koushi wasn’t looking. After a while, it was clear to Koushi that Makoto didn’t care about his friends, so he just stopped trying to incorporate him.

The knock on the front door pulled Koushi out of his thoughts. He rushed to open the door, only to be greeted with Asahi, who had an ice cream box in his hands. Seeing the ice cream made Koushi burst into tears.

“Suga, oh my,” Asahi said, slipping his shoes off to come in and hug Koushi. “What happened?”

“I think I made a really big mistake. He doesn’t even know me. What was I even thinking, I can’t marry him,” Koushi sobbed into Asahi’s arms.

“You didn’t do anything. Let’s go to the kitchen and talk there, I don’t want the ice cream to melt,” Asahi said, making his way to the kitchen. Koushi took out two spoons and sat at the kitchen table. Koushi poured his heart out to his friend, crying as he told him everything he never told his friends before. The mean comments, the ignorance, not making time for him.

“Why did he even ask you to marry you if he acts this way?” Asahi’s question was valid. Koushi didn’t have an answer for that, he never really know what was going on inside Makoto’s head.

“I don’t know. I don’t know why he asked and I don’t know why I said yes,” Koushi said in a low voice.

“Did you tell your parents?”

“I haven’t. Not yet at least.”

“Do you think them knowing makes it more real?”

“Oh, for sure. But I have to call them and let them know,” Koushi said, avoiding eye contact with Asahi.

“You’re not wearing your ring,” Asahi said, looking at Koushi’s empty ring finger.

“I’m gonna call my mom, can you wait for me?”

“Of course, let me know how it goes.”

Koushi got up and went to his office and video called his parents. It ringed twice and he was greeted with his mom’s smiling face.

“Hey darling, it’s so good to see your face,” his mom greeted him. His dad entered the frame, squishing next to his mom.

“I have something to tell you guys,” Koushi started.

“Oh no, did you and Makoto broke up,” his father asked. The question took Koushi by surprise and he stumbled over his words.

“Uhm, not exactly. Makoto asked me to marry him, we’re engaged,” Koushi said and saw his parents’ faces take an unreadable look.

“Oh, that’s great news sweetie,” his mom broke the silence. She tried to be subtle while elbowing his dad to say something too.

“Congratulations, son,” his dad said while still in shock.

“Thank you, I was actually thinking of coming to visit you guys with Makoto this weekend, we can go over the wedding stuff together.”

“We would love to have you guys over,” his mom smiled at the camera.

“Okay, can’t wait to see you! I have to go now, Asahi is waiting for me,” Koushi blew a kiss to the phone and ended the video call.

Koushi heard the front door unlock and stirred up to check his watch. It said 4.15, which meant Asahi left 5 hours ago and Koushi fell asleep on the couch. He sat up on the couch and was greeted with Makoto’s shocked face.

“Baby, what are you doing still up,” Makoto asked, making his way over to Koushi and gave him a small peck.

“I fell asleep on the couch, where have you been?”

“I got out of the office late and the guys wanted to get something to drink, hope you weren’t waiting up for me,” Makoto said, sitting on the arm rest of the couch.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something. I called my parents to let them know about our engagement and they invited us over for the weekend to talk about the wedding stuff and congratulate us,” Koushi said, looking up at Makoto.

“Oh, I’m sorry dear but I have plans this weekend.”

“Can’t you postpone them? My parents would love to see you too and if we really want to get married in six months we really should start planning,” Koushi explained.

“It’s not going to be a big thing, you can get started with your parents this weekend and I’ll join after you come home,” Makoto said and squeezed Koushi’s shoulder.

“But this is really important, I-“

“I have plans, enough of this discussion. I’m going to take a shower. Good night,” Makoto said and left without even looking back at Koushi.

Koushi got up from the couch, tears welling up in his eyes and went into the bedroom. He quickly shot a text to his mom to let her know that he was coming alone, then cried himself to sleep.