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You’d think, with all the times she’d heard the word, she would’ve gotten used to it by now. Friendship. Friends. But still, it awoke two very opposites sides in her, to this day.
See, one side of her was thrilled. That was the side that didn’t hear this word a lot. The side that didn’t really understand the meaning of it until a certain reporter came along and made sure she knew the meaning of the word. That side of her was beaming as Kara said the word friend. She never had that before, a real friend. One who didn’t try to kill her after taking over the family business. One who didn’t mind her having that name as her last name. One who listened to her and wanted to go out to cafés with her. One who respected her and believed in her (as was pointed out to her so nicely while no one else had seemed surprised.) A real friend.
And then there was that other side. That side that didn’t want this word to keep coming up when her mind was trying to convince her there could be so much more. The side that kept creeping up on her even when she tried to push it down. The one that determined her dreams at night, but turned more into nightmares by day. The side that was her cause of her heart breaking more every time she heard that word. Friends. That side of her wasn’t satisfied by it. And it was becoming harder and harder not to let that side prevail.
So now, each time she heard the word spoken by that one particular person – the only person who’d ever even called her that – she found it hard to keep a straight face. The shameless flirting had been fun for a while. But it had gone so over Kara’s head that she just didn’t know what to do anymore. If filling her office up with flowers wasn’t going to even give her a hint, well then… She’d lost all hope of ever having Kara see her as more than just a friend.
So the next time she saw her – they were supposed to meet up but Kara was nowhere to be found – she told herself they were just friends. She told herself that. Hell she even told Kara herself.
What are friends for?
Seriously?
The words may have said it but she knew her body betrayed her to anyone who’d be paying attention. No one was, however. Not even Kara seemed to notice. But no matter what she told herself, when Kara bit her lip in that particular way, her heart fluttered and she was helpless in trying to stop it from breaking afterwards.
Friends.
That’s all they were.
That’s all they were ever going to be.
Just… friends.
And it wasn’t enough.
It should be. It could be. And she tried to convince herself it will, eventually. But right now, as Kara laughed on the couch with her hand on a guy’s shoulder, she only wanted to focus on trying to make it seem like it was enough. Because having Kara in her life as a friend was more than she’d ever hoped for when she moved to the city. It was more than she’d ever dreamed of. And even though her insides were in a knot, her heart was clenching every few moments while flutters relieved it when she heard her laugh, she still put up a brave face. After all, if she’d been invited to game night with the family, that meant Kara cared for her.
Which made her happy.
But she was also glued to the guy who didn’t seem to devote as much attention on her as Kara did on him.
But made her sad.
Because Kara’s laughter wasn’t directed at her. Kara’s hand wasn’t on her shoulder. Kara’s attention wasn’t on her. And the person it was directed at wasn’t even seeing how marvelous she looked.
She’d been staring too long. She knows this, but still she finds it nearly impossible to tear her eyes away from her. And she’d glad for the blur of something in the corner of her vision so that she finds the strength to look down at her hands. That’s always a safe thing to do. (Except when she was in the presence of Lillian, but she wasn’t going to think about that right now.)
“So, how are you enjoying your first game night with our crazy little bunch?” It’s Maggie who got up from the couch opposite Kara, and made her way towards the kitchen.
Lena looked up at her, and gives her a smile. She knows it’s not a radiant one. But it’s not a fake smile either. It just misses that spark in her eyes. But she doesn’t think the woman notices because why would they? “It’s,” she hesitates, “Something, alright.” It’s the truth, because she must admit she’s never quite experienced anything like this. It’s silly and it’s fun and it’s not worrying about anything but getting the answer to this totally random question right, or worrying about how much money you’re going to have to give to the person across from you if you roll a four and then of course, you roll a four and next thing you know you’re bankrupt. But she can only lose her mind in a game for so long before her heart is thumping in her ears again when that laugh bubbles up, or those beautiful eyes turn her way.
Maggie’s voice interrupts her train of thought right before it wanders off into dangerous territory again and it’s a welcome change from having to pull herself out of it. (Her willpower shrinking each time.)
“My first game night with the Danvers was just as overwhelming,” Maggie says as she opens the fridge and grabs a beer. “Fun, sure. But well, I hadn’t been expecting them to be so…”
“Into it?” Lena finishes, and Maggie smiles.
“Yeah, exactly.” She opens the bottle and takes a swig. “Of course, Winn and James were here then too, but they couldn’t make it tonight. They did defuse the situation a bit when needed and well, Mon- uh, Mike is just not so great with that as they are.”
Lena and Maggie both take another sip from their drink – Lena opting to go for something a little stronger than just a beer – and look over the counter at the other people still on the couches.
Lena is trying not to glare at the guy for arguing with Kara over something and Maggie has her eyes glued on Alex. Even Lena doesn’t miss that. And for a second, there’s a pang of jealousy there. But she knows Maggie has had her own problems and the jealousy doesn’t ask long, happiness for the couple taking its place.
As if sensing Maggie was watching her, Alex turned her eyes to Maggie and immediately their faces split into smiles.
Lena watched as Alex glanced towards the bickering couple on the other couch, rolled her eyes and got up to join her girlfriend in the kitchen.
“Those two… Seriously.” Alex kissed Maggie’s cheek as she passed her on the way to the fridge. She seemed to stare into it for just a moment to long before grabbing herself some sparkling water.
“Why was he invited again?” Maggie grumbled into the neck of her beer bottle before taking a small sip.
It seemed to comfort Lena a bit that, even though Kara was still paying attention to Mike, no one else in the room seemed to like him. Except for the guy himself, maybe.
“How long before I get to drag him out of here?” Alex asked Maggie as she put an arm around her girlfriend. Lena was watching them silently, just trying to be a part of the group without trying to invade a private moment.
“Babe, behave. We all know,” Maggie said, purposefully including Lena, which did not go unnoticed, “that Kara has a different image of him than we do. And for now, we just have to be there for her when that bubble pops. We’ve tried, alright?” Maggie squeezed Alex’s side, pulling her closed for a moment as Alex grumbled and sipped her water.
Even though she did want Kara to be happy – (with her preferably. No. Stop thinking that way.) – she could see that the laughter never lasted long with this Mike, and that this was not the happy she deserved. Kara deserved much better.
Lena surpressed a smile as Kara turned away from Mike, who was probably trying to talk to her about something she already knew, and her eyes landed on her.
She wasn’t sure if her minds was playing tricks on her but she could swear she looked much happier now than she did just a moment ago. And she tried not to let it boost her emotions, knowing she was the cause of that.
Kara turned around for a brief second and said something to the guy before promptly standing up and making her way over to the kitchen with some leftover glasses that had been sitting next to the Monopoly board.
“Hey!” Kara’s voice was quirky again as she addressed Lena and her heart for sure did not just flutter.
“Did you win?” Alex asked, knowing that if her little sister had lost, she would not be in such a good mood.
“Yeah little Danvers, please tell me you kicked his ass in this game because I did not lose to you in Monopoly if you did not win.” Maggie was being semi-serious and it was clear in her features. Apparently Kara and Mike of the Interns weren’t the only two competitive when it came to games.
“According to the official rules, I did. But Mo- Mike is having some difficulty understanding that.” Kara cleared her throat and pushed her glasses up her nose while glancing down in that way she does it a little too often for it to be anything other than a nervous tick.
Lena watched the trio interact as if they’d known each other for ages and wished she could be part of it. And it was a nice feeling when Maggie and Alex started asking her questions too, about her winning streaks in board games and if she’d ever lost a game of chess. (To anyone but her family, the answer was of course, no. But within the family she wasn’t the best.)
It was nice to be included and to merge into the conversation with ease as she started teasing Kara a bit for never having not known the answer to any Disney question in Trivial Pursuit. It was fun, a night with people she could honestly call friends. Alex and Maggie, even though having had quite bad first introductions to each other, had both warmed up to her by the end of the night and easily made the heavy feeling in her chest a bit lighter.
But as they closed up another game, with Kara and Mike on the couch to her left and Alex and Maggie on the right, she started feeling left out again. Alex and Maggie tried their best, but ever since Kara had scooted closer to him again, she smile had stopped being that bright. And no matter how much they tried, their efforts just didn’t meet the desired result. But Lena knew that, if she wanted to see Kara as just a friend, she had a long way to go before she could see her with someone else and still be happy in the moment. Not just after talking herself into it.
But she was willing to try. No matter how long it would take. But for tonight, her efforts had reached their limit. So Alex and Maggie called it a night, knowing then Lena would also be able to go without feeling bad about leaving early. And so she did, soon after the couple left.
“I should be heading out as well,” Lena said, not looking at Kara, who had moved to the kitchen, leaving mike to clean up the games. She found it too much to be around the two of them as the third wheel.
“Oh,” Kara sighed as she put some glasses in the sink. She almost sounded disappointed and Lena swallowed down the feeling of hope that had just kept spluttering up throughout the night. “Do you need me to drive you? I know you had a couple of drinks.” Kara asked without judgement in her voice. Simply concerned for her well-being.
“I texted my driver a few minutes ago. He should be here soon.” Lena looked at her then. Kara honestly did seem a bit sad that she was leaving, but it was probably more because their game night ended a game too early. Yeah. It was that and nothing more.
(Was she convincing herself or convincing an invisible power who kept doing this to her, she honestly didn’t know anymore.)
“Ah, of course.” Kara gave her a small smile and started running the tab to do some dishes. “I sometimes forget you’re a powerful CEO of your own company. But then again, how could I when you always look like… Well, like that.”
Lena wasn’t a blusher. She really wasn’t. But she did feel the heat rush through her body and nearly catch on her tongue as she tried to for a coherent response.
“People think it’s uncomfortable, but honestly it’s so empowering it feels great.” That was the truth. The wardrobe sometimes just gave her that extra push she needed to feel powerful.
“I’ll take your word for it, and just stick to my shirts,” Kara chuckled, her hands in the water working on the glasses.
In this unprotected moment, Lena watched her for a moment, knowing that seeing Kara this open and this at home, was not something she’d get to experience every time she saw her and she wanted to enjoy it. She let herself enjoy it, for once.
So when a strand of hair fell out of Kara’s loose bun, falling in front of her face, Lena was quick around the counter. Before she even knew what she was doing, she let her fingers brush against Kara’s cheek as she gathered the lock of hair and pushed it behind Kara’s ear.
Her breath seemed caught in her throat at the smile Kara gave her.
She wanted nothing more than to pull at the hair tie holding that bun together and pull it from her hair, gently, before running her hands through those soft locks, letting her hand slide to the back of her neck and pulling Kara in fo-
Her phone beeped loudly on the counter and snapped her from the dangerous train of thought her mind had betrayed her to.
She swiftly walked back around the counter and gathered her stuff into her bag.
“That’s my driver. I shouldn’t keep him waiting.” Her voice was collected and nothing like how she felt it would have come out if her little daydream had been reality.
“Okay well, I’ll walk you out-“ Kara started.
“No, no. Don’t worry about it. Your hands are wet and I know the way.” Her smile was tight lipped and she didn’t mean to sound so straightforward but she felt her fingertips burn with the desire to act out her vision and she needed to get out of here.
She was halfway to the door before Kara could even pick up a towel to dry her hands off.
“Oh,” Lena turned around for a moment, “Thanks for the invite. I really did enjoy it.,” Lena said. Because as much as it pained her for now, she did not want to give Kara up.
“I’m glad,” Kara said, “What are friends for if not a night of classic board games?” Kara’s chuckle was innocent and sweet. But that word haunted her far into her dreams that night.
That’s all they were.
That’s all they were ever going to be.
Friends.