Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 Stand By You

Yuuri watched the young skater take the fall with a wince.  He could hear the gasp of the crowds behind him.  The skater pushed up and forced his way to the finish but Yuuri knew he was shaken.  Finally, he wrapped up and pasted on a brave face.  Shaking his silver pony tail back off his shoulder, he skated, head held high, to the kiss-and-cry.  His coach handed him a water bottle and Yuuri could imagine the conversation taking place.

He had researched the silver-haired beauty when he found him among the competitors.  At 23, the younger man could reach great heights with his jumps.  He interpreted his stories beautifully.  Watching the videos he found posted, the young man should be able to reach the podium.  Why was this the first time he was seeing him?  It was like the man disappeared once he transitioned into the senior division.  However, he was a hurricane among the juniors taking medal after medal.  What happened?

The man had managed to claw himself into the Grand Prix Final but today was not a good day for him.  Something was off before that landing.  Someone must have gotten into his headspace and Yuuri sincerely hoped it wasn’t another skater.  He firmly believed that the skate itself should determine the win, not the psychology.

Yuuri realized that two more skaters had competed while he was lost in his thoughts.  It was his turn.  He skated into position.  The music to the composed piece meant to represent his life and career began to filter into the room.   He gave a convincing skate to the song but he knew something was missing.  He had love and support from family and friends.  Yet, he was lonely and longed for something deeper.  A bit of sadness crossed his expression as he took his final pose.

The applause erupted and he knew once more he had secured his position on the podium.  He forced a smile.  He should be happy…yet, an emptiness filled the air around him.

Accolades and press behind him, Yuuri moved back towards the dressing room ready to change to his street clothes for a while.  Most of the skaters were gone.  He was surprised to hear someone sniffling as he came around the corner.  He approached the dressing area quietly and peeked around into the enclosed space.  The silver hair hung loose over the shoulders of the man hiding his face.  Something lurched inside Yuuri and he moved closer.

Dropping down before the other skater, he peered up into that tearstained face.  The other man tried to turn away, shoving away his tears only to wince at the action.  Yuuri reached up, not knowing what compelled him, and smoothed the hair back from the other man’s face.  “We all have bad skates,” Yuuri murmured.

The other man nodded.  “It’s just…I finally made it only to crash.”

“If you look back at my past video you’d see that I did as well,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I’m Yuuri.”

“I-I know.  I’m Victor.”

Yuuri nodded.  “Come on.  Let’s get you cleaned up.”

The other man took the offered hand and Yuuri helped him to his feet.  Leading him to the sink, Yuuri took a paper towel and dampened it.   He washed Victor’s face, removing the makeup in the process and some of the tearstained signs.  Victor lifted a hand to push aside another escaping tear and it was then that Yuuri got a good look at the wrist.  He took the hand and very gently pulled the sleeve back to look it over.  “You need to take this to the medic.  Did you skate like this?”

Victor nodded.  “I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want them to stop me from skating.  I didn’t think it would affect me.”

Yuuri’s lips tightened.  “We are going to get this looked at now.  Come on.”

Yuuri led the younger man to the medic station.  They had just sent their last skater off and were surprised to see Yuuri walk up with Victor.  “Can we help you?”

“Yes,” Yuuri answered.  “Will you take a look at my friend Victor’s wrist?”

They quickly moved to the younger man’s side and helped him onto the table.  His shirt was hard to push up so they asked him to remove it.  Yuuri stepped forward to offer a hand.  Victor tensed as the fabric was lifted from his body.  Yuuri was certain it was a good thing Victor couldn’t see his reaction to the multiple bruises on the other man’s body.

“You’ve been taking a lot of falls,” one of the medics commented.

Victor chuckled bitterly.  “Yeah, you could say that.”

“The ice can be harsh,” another medic added.

Yuuri knew injuries on the ice.  These were very different.  What the hell had happened to this man?

“Okay, I’d keep that wrist wrapped for about a week and ice it on fifteen minute intervals,” the first medic advised.  “It doesn’t look to be broken, though.   You are lucky.  I watched you go down on that fall.”

“Not my most graceful moment,” Victor stated dryly.

The medic smiled weakly.  “Perhaps not.  But it won’t keep you off the ice.”

Victor followed Yuuri back to the dressing room.  He knew the other skater had become quiet.  

He gathered his gear and changed to a t-shirt and sweats.  Pulling on his team jacket, he waited for the other man.  They were the last two skaters at this point.

Yuuri came out of the dressing area drying his hair with a towel.  Stopping before Victor, he shifted uncomfortably.  They were alone now.  “So, Victor…about those bruises,” Yuuri began.

Victor shrugged.  “It’s personal.  I just ask that you don’t say anything.”

Yuuri studied him for a long time.  “Is there anyth…”

Victor cut him off with a shake of the head.  “Just don’t…please.  I would rather nobody know.”

“That’s not a skating injury on your wrist,” Yuuri stated quietly.

Victor slowly shook his head.

They walked towards the entrance.  “I’ve seen you skate before,” Yuuri stated.  “During the Juniors.  You were amazing.”

“I seemed to have peaked during those days,” Victor remarked, a bitter edge in his voice.  “My seniors have been less than remarkable.”

“I don’t necessarily agree.  You have skill and your jumps have excellent height and form.”

“What good does it do me if I can’t deliver when it counts?”

Yuuri hailed a cab and offered to share it with Victor which worked out well since Victor spoke the language.  Soon they were on the way to the hotel.

“Don’t give up,” Yuuri stated softly before they parted ways.

Yuuri laughed at his friends’ antics as they moved past the formal portion of the banquet.  He had met with sponsors, mingled with ISU officials, and talked with several coaches and skaters.  It was time to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening.  Chris and Phichit had found a pole that provided structure to the building and were putting it to other less honorable uses.  He shook his head at their rather risqué dance on the pole as they tried to draw him into the performance.  Sure he had introduced them both to the dance style.  However, he had no desire to reveal that side of himself to this group of people.  Besides, he was watching for another glimpse of long silver hair.

He caught sight of him earlier standing with his coach.  He seemed recovered and composed as he talked with a few sponsors.  Yuuri was glad to see that he might still have offers on the table.  One bad skate should not destroy a skater.  Victor had talent.  He could see that easily.

He later glimpsed the man talking rather seriously with another man that stood even taller than the silver haired beauty.  The conversation took on a rather heated tone and then the second man stalked out of the banquet.  Yuuri lost sight of Victor shortly after that.

As Yuuri took another glass of champagne from the tray, he spotted Victor once more.  He grabbed a second glass and decided to approach the man.  Victor looked up with surprise as Yuuri offered him the flute.

“Thank you,” he murmured, his smile forced.

“These events are a necessary evil to support our sorry asses,” Yuuri commented, lifting his glass to wave around the room.

“I know what you mean.  The politics and the business side of matters are never my favorite part.”

“It could be worse.  They could have invited the press.”

Victor blanched at the thought.  “I think I’d have stayed in my room.”

Draining his glass, he watched Victor do the same over the edge of the glass.  “Do you dance?”

Victor chuckled.  “Is it possible for a figure skater to not dance?”

Yuuri held out a hand in invitation.  Victor hesitated then shrugged.  “What the hell,” he murmured tossing his hair and following Yuuri onto the dance floor.

One dance after another, Victor found himself relaxing under the attention of the Grand Prix gold medalist.  As the evening came to a close, Victor found himself reluctant to part with this man with the warmest brown eyes.  “I have to go,” he whispered.

Yuuri nodded, a note of sadness in his expression.  “If you ever need a place to go…”

“To Detroit?  America?  It’s a long ways away from home.”

“Perhaps distance is what you need,” Yuuri murmured.  “Can I at least give you my contact information?  You can decide what you want to do with it.  I promise not to contact you unless you reach out to me first.”

Victor’s lips parted.  He swallowed down the emotion threatening to overwhelm him.  Handing Yuuri his phone, the other man entered his information.  Victor looked at the name before looking up.  “Pan?”

“From my short program.  I thought…it would be safer for you not to have my name in your phone.”

Victor gasped and nodded.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

Chris/ So you know he has a boyfriend, right?

Pan/ Victor?

Chris/ Yes.  I didn’t want you to get hurt.

Pan/ I’m more worried about him getting hurt.

Chris/ …

Chris/ Do we need to watch out for him?

Pan/ I think so.  Keep it quiet.

Chris/ I am the very nature of discretion.

Pan/ I’ll tell Phi

Chris/ Another lost boy…I remember when you rescued me.

Pan/ And I’d do it again.

Chris/ I know.  Let me know how I can help.

Pan/ For now, I promised to let him make the next move.  

Pan/ He has my contact information.

Pan/ I don’t want to put him at greater risk.

Chris/ Understood.  You know those videos went on Instagram and other social media.

Pan/ Videos?

Chris/ Check your notifications.  You and Victor dancing at the banquet is making its way around.

Pan/ Shit!  Is there any way to stop it?

Chris/  Ask Phi.

Pan/ Can you take down some video?

Phi/ It depends on how extensive.

Pan/ The dance video from the banquet.

Phi/ O.O

Pan/ I don’t want Victor to get in trouble.

Phi/ I can start but even if I take all night, I will barely scratch the surface.

Phi/ I’m sorry.

Pan/ I had to try.

Victor stared at his phone the next morning.  Mikhail had not come back to their room and he slept alone.  Part of him was relieved.  The notifications on social media informed him that his dancing with Yuuri was recorded and shared across the internet, however.  A myriad of emotions filled him.  Yuuri’s offer of a safe place started to sound attractive.  Fear vibrated down his spine.

The door to their room opened.

Victor looked up to meet the stormy expression of his lover.  He knew instantly that Mikhail saw the videos.

“Masha,” he murmured.  “I was worried about you when you didn’t come back to the room.”

“I can see that,” Mikhail spat.  “I leave you for a moment and you turn to some foreign trash and whore yourself out.”

“It was just a dance,” Victor defended quietly.

The blows were practiced and swift, always where nobody would see.  Mikhail left him lying there as he threw their clothes into their suitcases.  Victor pushed himself up weakly.  He knew he had to pack his skating costumes and skates or everything would be crushed.  He pulled out the garment bag and removed the items that would remain on a hanger to situate them inside.  He only winced when Mikhail wasn’t looking.

An hour later, they left the hotel for the airport.  Victor had glanced across the lobby to meet a pair of brown eyes as they left.  He dropped his gaze and followed Mikhail out.  It's better this way.  Yuuri will forget about him.  

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST

 Lost Boy

World Figure Skating Championship – London, Ontario, Canada

Yuuri watched for that silver head of hair at the Worlds.  He finally spotted some of the Russian team jackets.  He knew Georgi.  The man looked up at Yuuri’s approach.  “Is Victor here?”

The man shook his head sadly.  “He’s recovering from an injury.  Nothing too major.  He can still go into the Grand Prix series.  I’m sure he’ll be in some smaller competitions before then.”

“Oh, okay.”  Yuuri’s expression shadowed.  He worried about what kind of injury Victor received and whether or not it was related to skating.

“I’ll tell him you asked, though,” Georgi volunteered.

Yuuri glanced towards the Russian skater and thinned his lips.  “Maybe you had better not.”

The other man shrugged.  Yuuri could tell that he had no idea what was going on with his teammate.  Yuuri sighed, trying to keep his annoyance out of his movements.  Pasting a smile on his face, he nodded and moved on to warm up.  Part of him itched to text Victor but he promised to let him decide to reach out.  How could he do so indirectly?

He soon moved into position.  Could he be Pan to Victor’s Lost Boy?  Would Victor come to him?  The first strains of the song came out.  He continued to dance the part of Pan inviting the Lost Boy to him.  The skate took on deeper meaning as Yuuri used his movements to invite Victor to come to him.  He knew how to protect him from Captain Hook.  He just had to get him out.  Victor had to take that first step.  

He painted the world of freedom, the family he offered.  He didn’t know in what capacity Victor would see him if he came to his side but he planned to meet him where he was.  Part of him laughed inside.  This routine began as a joke among friends.  Yuuri was often teasingly referred to as Peter Pan by his friends because he had so much innocence even at his age.  Phichit and Chris and even Takeshi called themselves his Lost Boys…Yuuko was of course Tink.  His final pose finished with a hand held out in invitation as he found a camera.   Come to Never Never Land, Victor.  Let us protect you.

Yuuri stepped off the podium to face the reporters.  “Is it true that Yuuri on Ice was your swan song?  Are you retiring?”

Yuuri pasted on a smile.  “It is a little early for that.   Yuuri on Ice was a shout out to all of the support I’ve been given along the way.  It was gifted to me by a friend who writes a number of my original compositions.”

Finally shaking free of their questions, Yuuri moved back to the dressing room to change.  

Flashes of memory hit him as he reaches the mostly empty room.   Victor.  Are you okay?  Yuuri sighed as he changed his clothes.  He knew that the promise was necessary but he couldn’t count the number of times he took his phone out to check on the man.

The reporters’ questions came back to him as he left the dressing room.  Is he ready to retire?  His grandfather had talked to him about taking over the business but Yuuri laughed and said he didn’t want to get in any deeper than already.  He had cousins that could take the lead.  But if he gave up his spotlight, what would that mean?  He’d rather stay in the figure skating world.  However, his grandfather paid for his life, his education, everything.

It was time to go home.  He needed to see family before he made any decisions.  What would his parents say?  His father would tell him to stay away from his grandfather’s holdings.  They begrudgingly accepted the help from the old man Katsuki Takehiko and thus far there have been no strings.  Yuuri sighed.  He had used those family connections in the past to help others.  He truly had a good relationship with his grandfather.  That didn’t mean he wanted to follow in his shoes.

A week later, Yuuri found himself in Hasetsu at the family onsen.    He sat surrounded by family and close friends.  Finally, Yuuko asked the burning question.

“Why are you thinking about retiring?”  Trust Tink to get to the heart of matters.

Yuuri looked up above their heads gathering his thoughts.  There were so many scattered about.  “I…feel like I’ve plateaued.  I don’t know where to go from here.  So maybe it’s time to change directions.”

“But you still love skating,” Minako pointed out.

Yuuri nodded.  “Yes…that hasn’t changed.  I’m not even disenchanted.”

“What started this?” his father asked.  “You’ve wanted this your whole life.  Now that you’ve won a few medals you want to walk away?”

“Skaters don’t have a long career,” Yuuri reminded him.  “But…I think it was when I was asked if my free skate was my swan song.  I hadn’t thought of it like that before.  I need something…new.”

“So you’re bored,” his sister Mari stated flatly.

Yuuri tilted his head thoughtfully.  “In a way.  I want a new challenge.”

“Working for my father is not that challenge,” Yuuri’s father stated.

Yuuri shrugged.  “I’ll figure something out.  I am just…waiting.”

“What for?” Yuuko asked.

“I’m not sure.”

Yuuri’s restlessness took him to the rink over the next two weeks.  He didn’t feel like skating his old routines so he pulled out the video he had of Victor’s free skate.  He started to dissect it, making only a few minor adjustments to the choreography.  Once he had the dance laid out, he took to the ice and began putting it together.   Stammi Viccino.  Stay Close to Me .  The song had been so mournful in nature.  He was crying out for help.  Yuuri wanted to answer that cry but how?

The answer came unexpectedly and indirectly as a set of triplets recorded Yuuri’s skate, posting it to social media.  Yuuko called him in a panic, afraid they had leaked a new program out.  “No, no, Yuuko.  It is another skater’s program.  They skated it last season.  I wanted to see what I could do with it. It’s fine.”

He didn’t expect it to go viral.  He didn’t know Victor had been tagged as people made the connection.  He should have.  The skating community was a small, tight group.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 Bird on a Wire

St. Petersburg, Russia

The attending physician recognized Victor when he entered the emergency room.  “Another tumble on the ice.”

“Too many late night practices,” Victor responded automatically.

The doctor nodded and Victor didn’t know if the man accepted his excuses.  Regardless, he was led back to a treatment room.  Ribs…would he be able to skate this season?  He needed to get out.  They taped him up and restricted him from any overhead activity.  He looked at the paper they gave him feeling defeated.

When he arrived back at his apartment Mikhail was gone as expected.  He’ll be out drinking the rest of the night.  Or maybe he had another bed.  Victor no longer cared as long as it wasn’t with him.  He sat on the couch and stared blankly at the wall in front of him.  A nudge on his hand caught his attention.

“Hey, Makka.  I…don’t know what to do.”  Victor’s phone buzzed with a notification.  Mila.  Earlier that week, she was the one person at his rink that asked him if he was alright.  He didn’t know how she knew these things but she seemed to pick up on when he was having a rough time even when he could hide it from the rest.  She asked him if he needed a place to stay.  He told her he was fine, that he didn’t want to drag her into his troubles.  She looked at him sadly and he knew she wanted to do more.  Now she was texting him.  

He knew Yakov knew as well.  His coach had picked him up at the E.R. more than once trying to force him out of the situation.  Victor was too afraid. Mikhail had a lot of connections.  What should he do?    

He pulled up Mila’s messages.

Mila/ Hey, did you see what Katsuki skated?

Mila/ It’s your Stammi Vicino

Mila/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6-eKBEHg1U

Mila/ Why did he skate your program?

Victor/ I’m not sure.

Mila/ What are you going to do?

Victor/ That’s the question of the day.

Victor watched the video and then watched it again.  He then thought back to the World Figure Skating Championships.  Georgi came back and told him Yuuri asked about him.  And the Lost Boy routine seemed so personal as if it was directed to him. He brushed it off at the time as wishful thinking.  Why would Yuuri care about him?  Now, however, he started to rethink that idea.  What if…Yuuri was reaching out to him?

He thought back to the night of the banquet.  For that short period of time, Victor felt safe.  Victor felt…human.  What was it Yuuri offered?  A safe place? Would he be safe with Yuuri?

“Makka, I’m about to do something rash.”

Victor pulled out his phone and looked through his contacts.  Pan.  Where would he be?  It had leaked on social media that he left Detroit.  Somewhere in Japan.  Victor began to research Yuuri’s biographies and finally he found it.  Hasetsu.  A hot spring resort owned by his family.  Would he be there?  He looked at the phone in his hand.  Mikhail paid for this phone.  Damn.  He began clearing his phone of any information that would lead to Japan.  He then shut down all of his social media sites.  He needed to disappear.

He slipped out of the apartment with a duffle thrown over his shoulder and a dog leash in hand.  He needed to get into the rink.  He took a cab but got out a couple blocks away at a nearby park.  After the driver pulled away, he walked towards the rink.  He knew the back door had a trick to it.  Slipping around to the service entrance, he glanced around nervously.  Breaking and entering was not technically in his skill set.  However, desperate times and all…

Victor messed with the handle until it released.  He slipped into the darkened room and secured the door.  Using the flashlight on his phone, he moved towards the locker rooms.  He needed his skates and a few other things.

As he reached the locker room, he dropped down on the bench, his head in his hands.  What was he doing?  He forced himself to breathe through the panic threatening to take over.  Makka pawed at him and he reached down to run his fingers through her curls.  It seemed to ground him.  He refocused his efforts.  He had to do this.  If he didn’t, he might not live through the year.  And for some reason, Yuuri wanted him to live.  He grabbed hold of that promise.

Reaching his locker, Victor began to remove the items he planned to keep.  He had been stashing things here over the last few months.  Since the GPF.  Reaching underneath the shelf, he found the envelope he had taped there.  It held a disposable phone with the information he needed programmed into it, his passport (Victor lied when they returned from Euros and said that Yakov kept it), cash, a credit card, and a bank card completely unconnected to Mikhail.  Yakov helped him to set it up months ago.  Mikhail didn’t know about it.  Hopefully he could flee the country without him being tracked.  

He reached for his team jacket.  Would he still be on the team?  Would Yakov understand?  He fought the tears threatening to overwhelm him.  He didn’t have the luxury of tears.  Time was short and he had to get moving before he was missed.  He shoved everything into a second bag.  Sliding a brief note under his coach’s office door, he left.  It simply said, “I’m out.  Don’t worry about me.  V.”  His last contact he made was to Mila.

Victor/ Don’t say anything about that video.

Mila/ I won’t.  Your Instagram is shut down.  Are you okay?

Victor/ Yes.  For the first time in a long time.

Victor turned off his phone and left it in his old locker.  It would be found and handed over to Yakov once his coach realizes he is gone.  Maybe something on it will help him out later.  For now, he had to make sure that he will not be tracked.  His phone at the rink wouldn’t look suspicious right away to Mikhail.

He caught a cab a few blocks away and took it to the airport.  He would be free soon.  As he purchased his ticket he started to feel lighter.  He made the necessary arrangements for his dog to travel with him.  It would be a long flight so he went to find a couple of books in the bookstore.  A Japanese/English dictionary and a murder mystery.  Moving back to the lounge, he waited for his flight to board.

Two hours later, he found himself looking out a window to the ground slipping further away.  In thirteen hours, he’d be in Japan.  

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Scars to Your Beautiful

Yuuri jogged back to the onsen lost in his own thoughts.  His practice had gone well although he was still struggling to put together his programs.  He felt in limbo.  His coach still resided in Detroit.  Yuuri needed time home but he found it harder to think about returning.  He always took a month or two after worlds in Japan.  He felt greedy wanting more but that was where his heart lay.  Something kept grounding him here.

He arrived at the onsen and opened the door only to be greeted by a large poodle.  “Oh, hi!  Do you belong to one of the guests?”  They were a pet friendly inn and Yuuri grew up greeting a number of furry friends.  The dog followed him into the main space where his father looked up.  “I seemed to have made a friend.”

“She belongs to a foreign guest who asked about you.  He can be found in the meditation gardens.  Seems a bit lost.”

Yuuri’s lips parted but he was afraid to let his heart hope.  He slid open the door and stepped into the garden.  Following the labyrinth inward, he knew this space well.  It helped him refocus sometimes when he felt overwhelmed by his thoughts.  He reached the center.  A fountain recycled water in a quiet gurgle designed for peaceful relaxation rather than display.  On the stone bench staring into the ripples sat Victor.  Yuuri moved to sit next to him and waited.  The other man didn’t move at first.  Then he asked quietly, “Did you mean it when you said I could come here?  That you would keep me safe?”

“I will if that is what you want,” Yuuri promised quietly.

“He broke my ribs this time.  I don’t know if I will be able to compete.”  Yuuri watched the defeat play across the other man’s features.  “He took so much away but I could still skate.  Then he took that away.  If I stayed, he might have taken the rest of me.”

Yuuri kept his expression open and encouraging.  “You left…that’s the first step.”

Victor drew himself in, fear tightening his muscles.  “What if he finds me?  What if he tracks me down?  He’s got the resources.”

“One step at a time,” Yuuri responded.  He reached out a hand but didn’t want to touch the other man without permission.  Victor looked at it then slowly took it.  “I did not make an offer that I couldn’t back up.”

Victor finally turned and lifted his eyes.  Blue eyes edged in red, puffy from shedding a lot of tears.  “Why do you want to help me?  I don’t have anything to offer you.”

“Not everyone is looking to take something from you,” Yuuri whispered, smoothing back silver strands from Victor’s face.

Victor shrugged, turning back to the water.  “I don’t know.  It’s been…my life.  I’m…lost.  What do I do?”

Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “First, we make sure you have a safe place to sleep and we will see what kind of trail you left.”

“I…left my phone behind,” Victor whispered, going through his steps.  “It was his.”

“That’s good.  We need to look at the money trail and the travel information.”

“I used a credit card not associated with Mikhail.  I have a new bank account that Yakov helped me to set up.”

“I have a friend that is good with computers.  Give me your travel information.  I’ll have him…make some…adjustments to your movements.  A few crumbs sent another direction.”

Victor looked at the other man with surprise.  “You can do that?”

Yuuri nodded.  “Don’t ask how.  I’ll pull some favors.  If you want my protection, you’ll have it,” Yuuri reassured him.  “But you have to trust me.”

Victor turned to the water, his shoulders tense.  “It’s hard…to trust.”

“I haven’t broken any promises I’ve made to you so far,” Yuuri murmured.  “Isn’t that a good place to start?”

Victor nodded, uncertain but willing to take a chance.

“Now, why don’t I take you to where you’ll be sleeping?”  Yuuri held out his hand.  Victor looked at the hand a moment before taking it.  Yuuri tightened his hold, grounding the other man.  He guided him through the maze and into the house.  Spotting his father, he spoke in Japanese to the older man.  “Papa, Victor will be staying with us for a while.  I’m going to put him in my old room if that’s okay.”

His father smiled accepting, used to his son’s penchant for strays.  What was it, two years ago when he brought that blond boy home?  Now Chris was a fixture at times.  “Okay, son.  Let me know if you need anything.”

Yuuri led the younger man up the stairs and down a hall.  “That’s where I sleep and we’ll have to share that bathroom,” he explained as they progressed.  They reached the door at the end of the hall and Yuuri opened the door and invited him in.  Looking around, he laughed.  “I haven’t been in here since before I left for Detroit.  I didn’t know that it would still have all of those posters up.”  An array of different skating idols decorated the walls.  Victor glanced around with a soft smile.  “I’ll get you some fresh sheets and blankets.  You can go ahead and unpack.  That closet should have what you need.”

When Yuuri returned, he could see a sparse line of clothes.  “You had to leave in a hurry.  I suppose you need to do some shopping.”

“Maybe…tomorrow?”

Yuuri nodded.  “We’ll go out and take care of that then.  You are probably tired.”  Yuuri helped Victor strip the bed and add the fresh covers.  “Do you want to rest?  I can wake you for dinner.”

“Do you mind?  I don’t want to be rude.”  Victor watched the older man for any subtle changes that would indicate displeasure.

Yuuri’s smile offered reassurance.  “Not at all.  You’ve had a long trip.  It’s about three hours until dinner is served.  I’ll wake you a little before.”

Victor sighed…with relief?  “Thank you…for everything.”

Yuuri closed the door and crept back down the hallway towards his room.  He had the itinerary Victor slipped into his hand before he left the room.  Now to call Phichit.

“Phichit, I need a favor,” he greeted.

“No hi, how are you, what’s going on with your life…I see what I’ve become to you,” the other man teased.

Yuuri chuckled before continuing.  “He got out, Phichit.  I need you to help cover his tracks and buy me some time.”

“He?”

“Victor.  He’s here.  I’m going to send you some pictures of his itinerary.  Can you help me erase the trail?”

“As you know, erasing is hard…but I can redirect it.  Send the pictures and I’ll start establishing the mirrors.”  Yuuri heard Phichit tapping away on his computer and knew he laid the phone down on his desk.  They roomed together for years.  They were the Robin Hoods of the skating community and would often intervene and take care of things.

Yuuri had a tendency to have information fall into his lap.  He was good on the computer but he couldn’t touch Phichit’s skill.  That man was a ghost.  In the cyber community, he was known as Spectre.  Yuuri’s presence was less visible because he didn’t delve as deep but he went by Locksley.  He had connections and back doors that let him into secret places.  Those who knew him is Pan wouldn’t associate the two which gave him another layer of defense.

“I’m switching him out with another passenger.  Bora Bora is lovely this time of year.  Is there a money trail?”

“I’m working on it as we speak.  I’ve found his credit card that he used.  Okay.  It now just shows a transaction for a ticket but nothing exact.  Now the card is reported as stolen.  I’ll tell Victor that credit card is burned.  I’ll set him up with another one tomorrow.”

“I should have known you had a back door into the finance world.”

“Grandfather.”

“And your parents don’t want you to work for him.”

Yuuri laughed bitterly.  “Well, most of his business dealings are pristine.  But you and I have utilized the other connections a time or two.”

“Yes…and we may have to again.  For Victor.  I’ve been researching that man he’s been living with.  I can see why he was afraid to leave.”

“So have I.  It’s not going to be easy but I don’t think Mikhail appreciates the friends that Victor has made.  I’ll use that underestimation to my advantage.”

More keys sounded in the background.  “Okay…I’ve got a tag set for anything involving Victor and Mikhail.  I’ll be able to redirect the information as it comes to light.  Unless Michail is a hacker, he won’t be able to keep up.”

“You’re the best, Phichit!  That lets me concentrate on the man.”

The other man giggled.  “Golly, what a day!  You keep me from being bored.”

“What can I say?   I can’t resist a hard luck story,” Yuuri shrugged.

“You never could,” the other man murmured.  “Oh, does he have a phone?”

“He said he left it behind.  If he has a burn phone, I’ll make sure it’s encrypted or get him another one.”  Yuuri paused a moment before stating, “No, I’ll get him another one.  I’d feel better if I’ve programmed it.”

“Why did you even need me?”

“Because I know you are thorough and between the two of us, we’ll do a better job.  Oh, and to keep you from boredom.”

“Thanks for thinking of me,” the Thai man laughed.

“Two hackers are better than one.”

“I know your parents are unaware of this side of you.”

“And hopefully they stay that way.  Now, I’ve got to go.  You know how to reach me.”

“Later, Yuuri.”  The signal died.

Yuuri tossed the phone on his bed and closed out the sandpit he was in.  He then sent a message to his grandfather to request a meeting.  The response returned almost immediately.  His grandfather had time tomorrow.  <i>Why don’t you come for dinner at six?</i>  Yuuri quickly agreed and said he might be bringing a guest.

His final measure he took for the evening was to contact the head of security for Hasetsu operations.  He knew there were bodyguards around him all the time.  He sent Victor’s picture and told them to protect him.  Then he sent the picture of Mikhail and his personal information, pinning him as a potential threat.  With that task completed, he moved downstairs to spend time with his family.

Victor looked around the room after Yuuri left him.  The vestiges of the older man’s childhood he had said.  However, among the posters, he found one of him from when he was sixteen.  Why would he have that on his skating wall?  His skill couldn’t touch the man in the other room.

The year this picture was taken, though, he won the Junior Grand Prix.  The following year he took Junior Worlds as well.  At eighteen, they transitioned him to seniors…and he fell off the radar.

“I looked…confident back then,” Victor whispered.  Had he changed so much?   Was there anything left of that man in the poster?  Had Mikhail taken so much from him?   He knew in his heart he had relinquished too much.  He needed family.  He needed love.  Those needs placed him in reach of that beast…and he was nearly devoured.  

Will Yuuri be his prince and rescue him?  Is it wrong to wish for a fairy tale at his age?   He traced the figure in the poster.   I want to reclaim that person I once was…I’m tired of walking the tightrope, tired of balancing on a wire.  The next crash could kill me.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Victor roused awake by the shake of a gentle, warm hand.  He stiffened at first, forgetting where he was, then realized this was not Russia.  He turned to see warm brown eyes greeting him.

“Dinner will be ready in half an hour,” Yuuri invited.  “My mother made katsudon.  It’s a family favorite.  My favorite.  It will warm you up inside.” Yuuri reached out a hand like he would touch Victor but then pulled it back.

“Th-thank you,” Victor murmured as he shifted into a seated position.  He watched the brunette back out of his space but his expression was open and welcoming.  Victor touched his hair and felt the tangles that had formed as he slept.  “I usually braid it before I sleep.  I should…do I have time to shower?”

“Of course.  Make yourself at home.  I’ll be in the den when you are finished.”

Victor nodded, not certain what he expected.  He gathered some of the necessities he managed to pack before moving to the bathroom that Yuuri had pointed out earlier.  His head still felt cottony from the sleep.  Stepping in front of the mirror, he could see the strain around his eyes making him look older than twenty-three.  His sleep-mussed hair was tangled into knots where he had slept on it.   What am I doing here?  As he started to undress, he sighed in resignation.   I have no other place to go.  I don’t know where to go from here, though.

Victor set the taps and stepped into the shower.  The warmth of the water welcomed him.  He washed the travel smells and sleep sweat from his body.  Feeling more restored, he dressed and stared at his reflection once more.  He picked up the wide toothed comb and started working out the tangles.  Once finished, he picked up the elastic and pulled his hair up.  He looked…normal.  His clothes covered his injuries as he knew it would.  Except for the occasional wince when he moved wrong, no one would know anything was wrong.  

He found Yuuri in the den playing with Makkachin.  Stopping at the entrance, he felt something stir in him.  Yuuri looked up and met his eyes, offering him a welcoming smile.  “Feel better?” he asked.  Victor nodded.  He still felt shell shocked, disoriented.  Conversations flowed around him but he didn’t understand them.  At least his hosts spoke a common language with him.

Yuuri guided him to the family table and he followed Yuuri’s lead.  His mother soon brought out steaming bowls.  “This is katsudon, Victor.  My mother makes it better than anyone I know.”  Yuuri’s mother beamed at the compliment.  “It is what we would call in English a pork cutlet bowl.”

Victor took the offered chopsticks and tried the first bite.  His face lit up and Yuuri saw the first full smile since his guest arrived.  “Vkusno!” he exclaimed.

Yuuri chuckled.  “Now you see why it’s my favorite.”

Victor nodded as he consumed the dish realizing he hadn’t eaten in over a day.

Yuuri glanced over towards his mom and nodded.  They both had observed the hunger in the other man and his mother was hell bent on rectifying the situation.  With another dish before him, Victor looked up in gratitude.  “Thank you…umm, I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”

Yuuri threw his hand over his mouth and blushed.  “I’m sorry, Victor.  My manners!  Okaasan, this is Victor.  He is a figure skater and will be staying in my old room until further noticed.  Victor, this is my mother Katsuki Hiroko.”

Hiroko smiled a welcoming greeting.  “You are a friend of my son.  Just call me mama or Okaasan.  I’m sure my husband feels the same.   Has he met Toshiya?”

Yuuri shrugged.  “Yes, but not formally.  Where is he?”

“Issues with the hot springs.  He went into town for parts for one of the pumps.”

Yuuri turned to Victor with a smile.  “I’ll introduce you both formally later.”

“Thank you for making me feel welcome,” Victor responded.  He started when Yuuri’s hand covered his and squeezed it.  Human contact that didn’t hurt or have an agenda.  He stared at that hand and remembered when Yuuri found him after the GPF.  He was kind and his presence made him feel safe and protected.  That sense still surrounded him.  He felt grounded next to this man.

After dinner, Yuuri offered to wash and Victor followed him, uncertain of his place.  “Can I help?”

“Why don’t you dry?” Yuuri suggested with a smile.  “Then if you feel like it, we can take a walk.”

“A walk sounds nice.  Makkachin would like that,” Victor smiled uncertainly.  Yuuri turned on some music.  Victor scrunched his nose.  “Salsa?”

Yuuri laughed.  “Dishes go faster if you put a beat to it.”  Victor watched in fascination as Yuuri danced his way through the pile of plates dirtied by guests and family.  This was followed by glasses.  As Yuuri passed them into the rinse sink, Victor retrieved them, dried them, and stacked them for the shelves.  They fell into an easy rhythm, and Victor found himself laughing as Yuuri interjected the dance steps into the chore.

“Will you dance with me, Victor?” Yuuri asked as they finished the last dish.  Victor’s lips parted in surprise.  Yuuri stilled.  “I’m sorry.  I…don’t mean to push.”

“No…it’s just that I’m still…raw from my last relationship.”  Victor dropped his eyes.  Yuuri’s hand took his and Victor stared at that connection.

Yuuri studied the man thoughtfully and decided to go with honesty.  The man deserved that.  “Victor, I won’t lie.  I am attracted to you.  I’m sure that was apparent at the banquet.  However, I’ll take care of you without obligation.  I was only offering a dance.”

“I…am grateful.  But I’m confused about my feelings, Yuuri.  I’ve been under his control for so long.”

“Why don’t we become friends?  It’s always a good place to start.”

Victor smiled at the offer.  “I can…be friends.”

“Good.  Let’s go for a walk.”  Yuuri grabbed his elbow and led him into the main living space.  Leash in hand, Victor followed him out the door.  “I’ll take you on a better tour tomorrow.  For now, we can head towards the beach.”

Victor nodded, tugging his jacket in place.  They walked in silence through the streets in Hasetsu as they wound towards the coastline.  When they reached the beach, Yuuri took his hand and pulled him to a secluded space.  Victor would have hesitated but Yuuri had such a sweetness around him, he found it easy to trust his motive.   How can this man protect me?  He’s so naïve and innocent.

They settled on a grassy patch and Victor released Makkachin to chase the waves.  The sun was sitting low on the horizon and the waves greeted them with peace.  Yuuri stretched back and stared up at the darkening sky as he murmured, “I come here a lot when I need to think.  The sound of the ocean rhythmically slapping the beach settles my thoughts.”

Victor studied the trek of the waves as he tried to put his thoughts together.  “Why did you invite me?”

“Because…I didn’t like the idea of you being trapped in a situation you couldn’t escape.  I…offered you a way out.”

“I don’t know if you can protect me.”

A smile touched Yuuri’s lips.  “The records show that you flew to Bora Bora.  The credit card you used to purchase the ticket shows the same and is now reported stolen and effectively burned.”

“H-how?” Victor stuttered in surprise.

“Never ask how,” Yuuri stated.  “That’s the first rule.”

Turning back to the ocean, Victor pulled his knees to his chest.  “I want to believe I’m safe here.”

Yuuri slipped an arm around him, resting a hand on his shoulder.  Leaning close, he murmured conspiratorially, “There are four men between us and the road.  They know to blend in but they are making sure no one causes problems.  If someone unpleasant did approach us, they would be disarmed if necessary and removed from my presence.”

Victor’s eyes went wide with alarm and he looked around, unable to make out the men in the shadows.  “H…why?”

Yuuri smiled.  “You’re learning,” he praised softly.  “Tomorrow I am taking you with me to meet my grandfather.  That meeting for all intents and purposes is to introduce him to my friend Victor while I have a pleasant meal with him.  However, I will use his connections because he can further insure your safety in Japan.  Don’t ask how.  Just go with the flow.”

Victor frowned.  “Why would your grandfather care about my safety?”

“Because I’ve decided you are important to me,” Yuuri explained, a tender note slipping into his tone.  “That’s all that matters.”

“I don’t want to be…a burden,” Victor huffed in frustration.

Yuuri reached out a hand and took his.  With a squeeze, he coaxed Victor to turn and look into his eyes.  “You are not a burden.  This is something I do.  You aren’t the first I rescued.”

Victor considered that for a moment and in the context of their earlier conversation.  “Are you always…attracted to them?”

Yuuri’s chuckle was warm like a summer breeze.  “No…honestly, they have all become friends and allies.  However, I’ve never had any romantic leanings towards them.  This is a…first.”  Sitting up, he turned to brush a loose strand of hair behind Victor’s ear.  Victor held perfectly still at the touch, uncertain about how he felt about it.  “It’s not why I offered, Victor.  However, I am drawn to you.  What do you want?”

Victor’s expression grew wistful.  “I just…want to skate.  On the ice I’m most at peace.  Everywhere else is uncertain.”

Yuuri smiled and Victor felt overwhelmed by Yuuri’s attention.  However, Yuuri made it easy for him and focused on skating.  “Then why don’t we see a doctor and get you cleared to skate,” Yuuri suggested.  “If we know when, we’ll be able to plan from there.”

“H-he’ll find me!”  The panic edged Victor’s voice as he started to tremble.

“By the time you are competing, I’ll have plenty of protection in place.”  Yuuri smoothed Victor’s hair and stroked his hand around his jawline.  “I’m not going to let him hurt you.”

Victor unconsciously leaned into his touch.  He lowered his eyes as blush crept up his cheeks.  “I-I’m not worth your time, your attention,” he whispered.  He lifted his eyes back up, though, and he was certain that he failed to hide the hint of desire there.

“I disagree,” Yuuri murmured.  “And I suspect that as I get to know you better, it will only reinforce that idea.”

As they watched the sun continue to set, Victor unconsciously leaned into the shelter of Yuuri’s arms.  For now, he was safe.  He dared not hope for love but in this moment safe felt like enough.

Chapter Text

The Lonely

Victor woke up the next morning feeling a little disoriented at first.  The sunlight was still silver through the morning’s haze.  He pushed back the blankets and slipped out of the single bed, regarding the room with a smile.  Yuuri’s warmth and his love of skating could be seen on every surface of the room:  posters on the walls; old skates hung like trophies; pictures of him in skating costumes, dance classes, skating lessons, friends hugging him.  Some were familiar faces and some unfamiliar.  Victor smiled as his fingers traced over the silk of an old costume.  Yuuri must have worn it as a child; it was so small.  It matched with the picture of a chubby little Yuuri standing with two rink mates in what Victor assumed was the local rink.

Dressing in a pair of sweats and t-shirt, he slipped out of the room.  It was generous of Yuuri to share such a private space with him.  Yuuri’s interviews left out all of the truly personal aspects of his life.  He was immensely private and protected that privacy with skill when the press started to push for information.  Even Yuuri’s dating life was an enigma.  A few photos caught him with one or two of his friends.  Nothing risqué ever showed up and it left people questioning, curious.

Victor followed his nose and found himself in the kitchen.  Hiroko looked up and offered him a warm smile.  “Sit!  Let me make breakfast for you.  Yuuri is out running.  Makkachin went with him.”

“Thank you…mama,” he responded, hesitant about the familiarity.  Hiroko’s face lit up with its use and he relaxed.  Soon he had eggs and a bowl of rice in front of him followed by some fruit.

“This is how Yuuri starts his day.  I hope it is fine with you,” she stated.

“It’s great.  Thank you.”  Victor blushed, unfamiliar with the warmth he found himself surrounded by since he had arrived in Hasetsu.

She continued working in the kitchen and Victor smiled as he realized that she danced around the kitchen just like Yuuri.  She, perhaps, didn’t have quite her son’s skill but she enjoyed it every bit as much.  She stopped in front of him as she dried a dish.  “We’ve had a number of Yuuri’s friends through here.  When he was in school, there was a young man…his name was Hikaru.  He lived with us for his last year in school because his family threw him out.”

“Why did they do that?”

“They said he brought shame on the family because he was gay.  Yuuri found out he was living on the streets and brought him home.  We made a space for him until he finished school and moved out.”

“Were they dating?”

“We wondered that at first.  However, I never saw signs.  Nothing like Mari.”

“Mari?”

“Oh, you haven’t met Yuuri’s older sister.  She is away visiting friends and attending a concert.  She should be home in a couple of days.”  She paused as she put away the dish and picked up another.  “He comes by it naturally, you know.  His father was like that.”  She smiled softly, lost in a memory.  “There was a girl that made a poor choice.  She was thrown out of her house because she was pregnant.  She didn’t know where she would go.  He took her home and she was overwhelmed because he was from a wealthy family.  He took care of her and his father welcomed her because she was important to his son.  Then one day he married her and treated her daughter like she had never belonged to anyone but him.  Yuuri is so much like his father.”

“I see his mother in him, too,” Victor said with a smile.  She brightened at the comment. “Was Hikaru the first person he helped?”

“No, not the first.  And certainly not the last.  He’s a good man.  You could do worse than putting your trust in him.”

“I think…I knew that.  He was kind when no one else took notice of me.  He offered me an escape.  I didn’t take him up on it right away.  I don’t think I was ready then.”

“It is good you came.  He will take care of you.  We all will.  Now, eat.  You are too skinny,” she chided as she placed another dish in front of him.

Victor laughed and felt the warmth deep within.  Perhaps he could find healing here.

A click of nails on the floor caught his attention and he turned to see Yuuri enter the kitchen with Makka.  “Good morning,” he greeted.

“Good morning,” Victor responded, dropping his eyes shyly.

Yuuri smiled warmly.  “Let me shower and I’ll show you around town.  If you need anything, we can get it then.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“We are having dinner with my grandfather this evening,” Yuuri reminded Victor as they wandered through the shopping district.

Victor picked up something random off of a rack and studied it.  “I should probably look for some more appropriate clothes.  I…didn’t bring much.”

Yuuri didn’t comment.  “I’m wearing nice jeans and a button up.  My grandfather will be in a suit but he never expects that out of me.  It would be fine if you dressed similar to me.”  Yuuri guided him into a clothing shop.  The sales team surrounded Yuuri and he laughed.  “No, I am fine.  My friend may need your help.”

Victor was taken back to be measured while they fussed about how to dress the tall Russian.  They had a few pieces of adequate length but they might have to take in the seams.  By the time they left, Victor had one outfit in hand that he could wear that night and several others on order.

“Honestly,” Yuuri stated as they entered the street, “I don’t own very many pieces myself.  Quality over quantity.  My grandfather made sure I recognized good quality and I picked up a few good pieces and only update with a few pieces each season.  Most of my wardrobe is skate, dance, and workout clothes.”

Victor laughed.  “I’ve had my share of expensive suits,” he admitted.  “However, when it came down to deciding what to bring, all I could think about was what I needed to skate.”

“I understand.  Well, this gives you an excuse to rebuild your wardrobe.”

They stopped at an outdoor restaurant serving kushiage for lunch.  “Grandfather will order generously when we join him.”  Yuuri explained.  “I try not to fill up when I know I’m having dinner with him.”

When they arrived home, Yuuri was asked to go out and help his father work on the pump.  Victor trailed behind.  “Hello, Yuuri,” his father greeted.  “Will you hand me that wrench?”

“I could do that for you,” he stated as he passed the tool to his father.

His father chuckled.  “It’s fine.  I’ve just about got it.”  He turned the tool a quarter turn.  Closing the hatch, he flipped a breaker and a few switches and listened to the hum of the equipment.  Nodding with approval he wiped his hands on a rag before turning to Yuuri and his friend.  “I’m sorry I didn’t meet you properly yesterday.  These pumps are difficult from time to time.  I’m Katsuki Toshiya, Yuuri’s father.  Feel free to call me papa.”

“Thank you, sir,” Victor replied but with the raised eyebrow, he adjusted, “I mean, papa.”  He smiled at how he was so quickly accepted into this family.

They left Yuuri’s father to get ready for their evening.  As they left, Yuuri was dressed in dark blue jeans and a red shirt.   Victor wore black jeans with a silky gray button up.  He raised his eyebrows when he realized they were being picked up by a black Jaguar.  The driver held the door open for them and they both climbed into the back seat.

Yuuri smiled reassuringly as he guided Victor into the restaurant.  His grandfather would be towards the back, away from windows and crowds.  He gave his name to the hostess who guided him to the corner.  His grandfather’s face lit up when he saw his grandson approach.  Yuuri bowed in greeting.  “Grandfather, this is my friend Victor Nikiforov.  Victor, this is my grandfather Katsuki Takehiko.  Thank you for joining me for dinner, grandfather.”

The older man offered a warm smile towards Victor.  “Come.  Sit.  I haven’t seen my grandson in months.  Tell me what you are doing these days.”

Yuuri returned the older man’s smile.  “Thank you.  I’m…thinking about taking some time off.  So my focus at the moment is on Victor.”

“Oh?  You introduced him as a friend.  Are you perhaps more?” his grandfather asked as he raised an eyebrow, looking from one man to the other.

Both men had answering blushes but Yuuri chuckled.  “Grandfather, you are always looking to see me romantically involved.”

“Forgive me, Victor-san, I hope to see my grandson happily married before I die,” he complained.  The old man watched as Yuuri glanced at Victor and he could see hope blossoming in his grandson’s expression although he was certain the boy was unaware he gave so much away.  Youth.

Victor smiled warmly in reply.  “There is nothing to forgive, sir,” he murmured.

“Do we need to order?” Yuuri asked.

His grandfather chuckled.  “No, I placed an order for us when I arrived.  I selected around seven courses.”

“Grandfather!  You know I put on weight!” Yuuri responded, alarm rising in his voice.

“What should it matter if you aren’t skating?” his grandfather answered with a raised eyebrow.

Yuuri pursed his lips as he studied the table.  “I…need a change,” Yuuri stated.

“A change?”  Doubt edged the old man’s voice.  “And what do you plan to do?”

Yuuri looked towards Victor with a smile.  “I will help Victor reclaim the ice.  He was such a beautiful skater during his junior years.  I know he can reach that level once more.”

The old man arched an eyebrow.  “You are going to coach?  You have so many talents.  Why coaching?”

“Because I still love figure skating, grandfather.  I just don’t feel properly challenged.  The only one breaking my records is myself.  I’ll sit out the year and see what comes about.”

Takehiko looked from one to another and finally settled his gaze on Victor.  “What do you think about this?  What about your old coach?”

“Yakov is a good coach but sometimes we need to change our environment, sir,” Victor responded quietly.

The old man was shrewd.  He studied the stiffness in the silver haired skater for a moment before turning back to his grandson.  The first course was served and he waited until everyone had food in front of them before continuing.  Lowering his voice, he asked “I’ve heard you’ve made some demands on the staff that look out for you.  Has someone been making threats?”

Yuuri sighed.  He knew his grandfather would be informed.  “There is someone threatening my friend.  I wish to insure his safety.  I may need your help.”

“So this isn’t just your typical run away crazy fan situation,” Takehiko surmised.

Yuuri shook his head.  Looking towards Victor almost seeking permission, he saw an almost imperceptible nod.  “Mikhail Volkov.  Until recently, Victor was in a relationship with him.  Volkov isn’t one to let go of his possessions easily.”  Meeting Victor’s eyes, he adds, “People aren’t meant to be owned in any sense of the word.”

The old man knew the name.  Both boys could see the recognition in his widening eyes when the name was mentioned.  Studying Victor thoughtfully, he asked, “How did you leave?”

“I snuck out in the middle of the night while he was drinking,” Victor stated.

Turning back to his grandson, he asked, “Did he leave a trail?”

“Small but that’s been dealt with,” Yuuri replied.

Nodding, the Takehiko pulled out his phone.  When the person answered, the old man issued several orders in Japanese.  Once satisfied, he disconnected and returned his attention to his guests as the next course was served.  “You are not the first person my grandson has chosen to take on.   My grandson has always brought pride to the family and I never mind indulging him in this.  That being said, your ex is not simple resolution.  I ask that you not take unnecessary risks because my grandson will put your life before his own.”

Victor studied the table in front of him.  “I don’t tend to be a risk taker, sir.  However, I’d like to continue skating if possible.”

The old man smiled indulgently.  “Of course you will continue skating.  If I can protect my grandson, I can protect you.  Knowing the enemy helps.  And there is the added advantage that the enemy might not necessarily know us.”  The old man’s eyes started to twinkle.  Turning to his grandson, he considered his next words.  “I have alliances in Russia that may be interested in assisting us.”

“You know I don’t want to get into the business, grandfather,” Yuuri reiterated.

“I know.  You have your…other interests.  However, those interests sometimes align.”

“I just want to make sure Victor is safe,” Yuuri pressed.

“He will be.  Don’t worry.  I will be increasing your security detail, however.  So if you are separated, there is someone on each of you.”

“And the family?”

“Protected even if they refuse to acknowledge it.  Your father is a stubborn man.”

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “My father just prefers to make his own way in the world…much like myself.”

“You don’t deny your roots,” the old man argued.

“I could never deny my grandfather,” Yuuri grinned.  “And I appreciate that you let me choose my own path.”

“It wouldn’t do much good to do otherwise.  You are as stubborn as your father, even if you are more agreeable.  Well, Victor-san, what do you think of all of this?”

“I do not ask how, sir,” Victor replied meekly.  “Therefore, I shall be grateful that you choose to protect me from the decisions I made in my youth.”

The old man shrugged.  “We don’t always know the person we get in bed with until we are already caught in their trap.  At least you found your way out and had the courage to take it.”

Victor smiled and nodded glancing towards Yuuri who was focusing on his meal.  “Excuse me,” he murmured as he stood looking around for direction.

“Bathroom is to the right,” Yuuri supplied.  Victor smiled gratefully.

Yuuri’s grandfather watched Victor’s retreat before turning back to his son and continuing in Japanese.  “Is he why you left skating?”  Criticism crept into his voice.

“No,” Yuuri answered quietly.  “I was already home trying to decide what my next step would be when he showed up.  But would it matter?”

“It might.  Although I agree you should make your own decisions and I support you on these eccentric whims you seem to operate on, I would not be happy if they derailed you from something you loved.”

“I’ll still be skating, grandfather.”

“But you are interested in this young man,” the old man pressed.

Yuuri smiled into his soup.  “Very much so, grandfather.  He is important to me.”

His grandfather studied him with a worried expression.  “And if he doesn’t return your affection?”

“Isn’t that always a chance we take?  You are as much of a romantic as I am, grandfather,” Yuuri teased.

“And I’ve been married five times.  I…don’t want to see you hurt.”

“It’s my heart to give to whom I please.  Trust me.  I don’t give it lightly.  Neither of us walk the traditional path.  We must find our way.”

“I suppose.  It is easier with the others.  But you…feel things so deeply.”

“I know.  That’s why I’ve guarded my heart so long.  But for him, I’m willing to take a chance.  When he is ready.”

“And if he’s never ready?”

Yuuri shrugged.  “Regardless, he’s a good man.  You know I have a good read on people.”

“That man he got himself mixed up in.  Did you know who was?”

“Not at first.  But I researched him over the last few months.  Once I learned the truth, I knew I’d need your help.”

“I worry.  You will have to shield him.”

“I know…I’m counting on my importance to you as my protection.”

“Of course you are and you have it.  Now, about covering his tracks.  Did you take appropriate precautions.”

Yuuri smirked.  “Are you asking about my computer skills?”

“Did you at least use your friend so that you could avoid detection?”

“I know how to avoid detection,” Yuuri stated confidently, refusing to divulge his friend’s involvement.  “Remember, we never ask how.”

“True.  You handle your business and I handle mine.  Your friend is returning.”

As Victor took his seat, Takehiko signaled for the next course.  “I’m afraid this is our last course and then I must return to business,” he stated regretfully.

“I understand, grandfather,” Yuuri responded.  They shared small talk for the rest of the meal before rising to say the goodbyes.

“It was good to meet you, Victor-san.  You are in good hands.  Trust my grandson.”

“Thank you, sir.  I will,” Victor answered as he bowed awkwardly, imitating Yuuri.

The old man smiled and held out his hand.  Victor took it and shook it firmly.  “I have plenty of dealings with Americans and Europeans to understand the value of a firm handshake.  You both have a good evening.”

Yuuri guided Victor out the front door.  A car awaited them and they climbed in.  The driver asked if they would be stopping elsewhere or returning home. Yuuri glanced Victor’s direction and could see that he was tired.  “We will return home.”

Back home, they took Makkachin for a short walk.  “I don’t know what I expected when I met your grandfather.”

“He can be a bit intimidating.  I didn’t want to make you nervous,” Yuuri laughed.

“Perhaps but he does seem to care about you a great deal.  I…Yuuri, what am I getting into with you?”

Yuuri smiled warmly.  “That’s a smart question to ask.  You will never be asked to go into the business.  Friends, lovers, spouses, and children always have a choice but they are never asked.  All of my uncles are in it but my father chose a separate path.  I choose my own path as well.”

Victor lowered his head thoughtfully.  “I get the impression your path isn’t…spotless.”

“Perhaps not,” Yuuri murmured.  “But I act to protect those I care about.”

“I don’t…want to end up in another situation like the one I left.”

“You won’t.  I know it’s cliché to ask you to trust me but that’s why I tell you not to ask how.  And once it is over, you will be free to make your own choices.”

“What if it’s never over?  Are you willing to protect me always?”

Yuuri closed his eyes.  Nodding, he answered, “As long as it takes…always, if necessary.  I promise you.”

“You barely know me,” Victor whispered.  “Why make such a commitment?”

“I have a good sense of people.  At worst, we will end as friends and allies and that’s acceptable.”

“What do you mean when you say allies?”

“We protect one another,” Yuuri whispered.

“I suppose…that’s not a bad deal.  Yuuri?”  Victor turned towards the open field where the moon pierced through the treetops.  “I…didn’t know what he was when I first started seeing him.”

“I know, Victor.”

Victor startled awake.  Looking at his phone, he frowned.  Two in the morning.  He tried turning over and shoving the shreds of the nightmare aside but it seemed to cling to his skin.  Kicking back the blankets, he sat up and looked around the unfamiliar room.   I am safe.  He wanted to believe that.  So many promises were made over the last two days.   

Standing, he flicked on a lamp.  He found his reflection staring back at him.  Shirtless, he examined the bruises on his body, the taped up ribs, the scars.   I’m afraid.  He reached for a t-shirt and pulled it over his head with a wince.  Slipping from his room, he heard the click of nails signaling Makka falling into step with him.  He crept down the hall trying to be quiet but the old building seemed intent on shouting his presence with every creak.  He made his way downstairs into the darkened den.

He found his way to the meditation garden and wandered the maze as he tried to shake his thoughts.  He froze when he reached the center.  A figure was sitting at the fountain.  He didn’t look his way but tapped the bench beside him.  Victor came around and sat still, waiting.

“I’m not dead, you know,” the figure began with a shake of his silver head.  His face didn’t hold the lines of pain like Victor’s.  His eyes weren’t hollow with sorrow.

Victor silently watched the water while his fingers played with the ends of his braid.  He didn’t know what to say to this apparition.   My former self is lost to me.

“You can still reach me.   I never disappeared.  Not truly.  I’ve just been hiding.  Waiting for you to wake up,” the spirit demanded.

“I want to wake up out of this nightmare,” Victor rasped, his voice rough from too many tears.  “I’m afraid Japan is just a dream within the nightmare.”

The figure shook its head, the silver waterfall of hair swaying as it caught the movement and moonlight.  “Until you accept this and move forward, I’ll remain separate from you.  You can’t reclaim me until you let go of the past three years.”

Victor remained motionless.  “Has it been three years?  He’s broken me, torn me down, shredded me, reduced me.  Is there anything left?”

“I’m still here,” promised the ghost with a wistful smile.  “When you are ready, you can find me.  Look for me on the ice.”

He glanced up as the figure faded from sight, leaving him alone.  Looking across the fountain to the open space beyond, he could see sand neatly raked smooth.  He saw footprints there earlier.  Perhaps it was time for him to make his own footprints.

Stepping around the fountain, he pulled the elastic from his hair and teased the braid loose.  His feet were bare and the feel of the sand sliding over his toes held a cool reassurance.  He lifted his arm just enough not to pull against the ribs and tested his range of movements.  Closing his eyes, he sought a song within and began to move to the music.  The dance a mix of modern, jazz, and ballet echoed the sadness within his heart, the loneliness that seemed to embrace him.  But somewhere in the midst of the sorrow, hope started to flower.

From a window overlooking the garden, a dark haired figure watched the silvery figure capturing music with his movements.  His sorrow called out to the man above, not knowing that the brown eyed savior also echoed his loneliness.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  Thank you, Aimez, for the song suggestions.

Chasing Cars

Victor felt stiff and sore as he woke up that morning.  Perhaps dancing wasn’t the best of ideas.  He picked up the bottle of painkillers but knew he had to eat first or it would make him quite nauseous.  Gathering his clothes, he headed towards the shower.

Victor walked down the stairs to find Yuuri eating breakfast.  The brunette looked up with a warm smile.  “Good morning!  Eat breakfast and we’ll take a walk.  I have an appointment with you at Dr. Omiki’s office to follow up on your ribs so we can see what you’re strong enough to do.”

“Oh…okay.”  He took a stool next to the bar and placed his meds next to the cup.

“I want to get you back on the ice as soon as you are cleared.  You must miss it.”

“Mmmhmmm.  I was supposed to see my regular physician as soon as possible after the E.R. visit.  I don’t have very many pain meds left.”

“Dr. Omiki works with several area athletes and keeps my records on file and up to date.  He handles my JSF physical every year.  He’s aware of the stresses a figure skater will face and can better assess when you can return to the ice.”

“I was told by the E.R. doctor that it would be three weeks at the earliest.”

“Three weeks would be ideal.  We will see what the doctor says.”

Dr. Omiki looked over the film and studied the damage to the surrounding tissue.  “Katsuki-san, step out of the office please.”  After Yuuri left, the doctor focused on Victor.  “These are not figure skating injuries.”

“No, sir.”

“Are you still at risk?” he pressed, holding Victor’s eyes.

“I came here to escape him,” Victor murmured.  “Yuuri knows.  He offered me shelter and is helping me return to the ice.”

The doctor nodded in skeptical acceptance.  “You will be off the ice for at least four weeks.  This tissue is still inflamed in this area,” the doctor explained as he indicated the ugly red bruising.  “I would like to see you again in two weeks.  Until then, here are few prescriptions for something to ease the pain, an anti-inflammatory, and something for fever.  I’m writing the instructions in English but be sure you can distinguish between the meds before you take them.  Make sure you continue the breathing exercises.”

“Yuuri can help me with the medicines.  Thank you, doctor,” Victor agreed.

The doctor helped Victor off of the examination table before reiterating, “Two weeks.  No later.  If you need anything before then, call my office.”  

Yuuri stood as Victor entered the waiting room.  They fell into step as they left the clinic.  “Do you know where I can get these filled?” Victor asked, handing him the prescriptions.

Yuuri nodded.   “It’s on the way.  Come with me.”  Yuuri guided him down a side street.  “So what did he say?”

“At least four weeks and to come back in two.  He’s watching the inflammation.  Also, I should continue the breathing exercises.”  Yuuri looked up curiously and Victor explained.  “Every two hours I’m supposed to do some slow deep breathing and light coughing.  It’s supposed to prevent a collapsed lung or pneumonia.”

“I was unaware.  That’s why you disappear to your room several times a day.”

“That and I think I’ve been trying to find my place and settle in,” Victor murmured.  They walked a little further before Victor spoke again, “Yuuri?”

“Yes, Victor,” Yuuri responded softly.

He sighed, looking for his words and, perhaps, his courage.  “Can I…would you skate for me?  I miss the ice and can’t get on it.”

Yuuri looked over at him in surprise.  “I thought it would be difficult to watch someone else skate when you couldn’t.”

Victor shrugged.  “Have you ever dealt with an injury that took you off the ice?”

“Only mild strains that kept me off for a short time,” Yuuri admitted.  Yuuri considered his request.  “Have you worked out your programs for next season?”

Victor shook his head.  “I was cleared for the ice for about four weeks when he… when I was hurt once more.”

“Then let’s work on the choreography.  I’ll skate out the movements as we make decisions and discuss the programs.”  He screwed up his expression for a moment.  “I normally work out my initial choreography in the dance studio.”

Victor tapped his lip with his index finger thoughtfully.  “I always work directly on the ice.  However, I haven’t won any competitions in the seniors.  So perhaps I should try it your way.”

Yuuri grinned.  Then he spotted their destination and pointed.  “Here is the pharmacy.  This one handles prescriptions.  Come with me.”

Half an hour later, Victor had what he needed and they were headed back to the inn.  “Minako will be teaching classes in the afternoon.  We can probably use the studio this evening after dinner.  Do you feel up to it?” Yuuri asked.

“If I rest off and on during the day, I should be fine,” Victor answered.  Turning to look at Yuuri, he asked, “Are you…okay with this?  Truly?”

Yuuri nodded, a soft smile playing across his lips.  “Yes.  I’m fine with it.  I’m not avoiding the ice.”

“I…guess not,” he responded.  They walked a few steps further when Victor asked, “I’ve been wondering something.  Why did you skate my program?”

Yuuri shifted uncomfortably.  “I…don’t know.  I wanted to see you at Worlds but you couldn’t compete.”

“So you recreated my program?”  Victor watched Yuuri with raised eyebrows.

Yuuri nodded in admission.  “Yes…because I promised to let you contact me first.  I…didn’t want to make things worse for you.”

“You were trying…to reach out to me?” Victor stuttered.

Yuuri nodded.  “I didn’t know what to do…so I let the ice speak for me.”

“Why?”

Yuuri shrugged.  “Honestly, I was worried about you.  Especially when you didn’t show up at the Worlds.”

“Masha...he made sure I couldn’t go.  It’s very frustrating.  I qualified!  It...didn’t take much to set him off that night, however.  And then...it was over.  I didn’t know anyone would miss me, though.”  The rise and fall of Victor’s voice as he expressed his frustration and sense of defeat vibrated around them.

“I missed you.  I watched for you...and looked for you. I thought about you when I skated.”  The confessions came out in whispered admissions, as Yuuri studied the road before him uncertainly.

“I was surprised...to learn you asked about me.  Most people don’t see me,” he murmured.

“I see you,” Yuuri countered as he reached a hand to slide into Victor’s.  “And I know you are capable of far more than you put on the ice.  I’m…glad you came.”

“And if I hadn’t shown up?” Victor countered.

Yuuri shrugged.  “I’d probably be bored out of my mind.”

Victor laughed and then quickly covered it up.  “I’m sorry.  That struck me as funny.”

“That’s fine.  I like to hear you laugh.”  Yuuri slid his hand up Victor’s arm and looped it around Victor’s elbow.  “Let’s see what my mother has made for lunch.  Then we can soak in the onsen.”  Victor stuttered his steps and Yuuri was jerked back in his own.  Looking up, Yuuri asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I-I don’t want people to see...what he’s done to me,” Victor confessed in a subdued voice.

Yuuri tightened his expression regretfully, afraid of pushing Victor away.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t think.”  He thought for a moment before suggesting, “The hot springs closes to the public around nine.  Perhaps…after they clear out sometime.”

“I could do that,” he whispered.  “You’ve seen them…well, part of them.  I’m not so afraid of you seeing them.”

Victor spent the afternoon resting, walking through the meditation garden lost in thought, and focusing on his breathing exercises.  Dinner greeted him with double helping of yakisoba with pork.

“You need to eat,” Hiroko insisted.

Yuuri’s eyes crinkled with amusement over his smaller serving.  “We seem to be having opposite struggles when it comes to our meals.”

“I burn calories quickly,” Victor murmured then stuttered a moment.  “Well…I did.  I am not sure now that I’m forced into inactivity.”

“You can walk so we’ll keep you moving.  We just don’t want to overdo it.  Running is out of the question until the doctor approves. And you know you are off the ice until you get the okay.”

“Dancing?”

“Maybe…not yet?  Don’t worry.  We’ll get your flexibility back.  We do not want to set back your recovery,” Yuuri pointed out.  Victor huffed in frustration.  Chuckling, Yuuri added, “Just remember.  When you first arrived you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to skate again.”

“Perhaps…I was being a little dramatic,” Victor confessed.  “But…it gave me the courage to leave.”

Yuuri caught his hand and squeezed it.  “And now you’re here.  Let’s take advantage of this time.”

Yuuri pulled out a set of keys when they arrived at the warehouse and unlocked it to reveal a dance studio.  “My ballet teacher lives upstairs.  This is her studio.”

“And it’s private!” Victor stated with a smile.

Yuuri chuckled.  “I rarely share studio space or time on the ice when I'm here.  They are smaller but more private.  Now, I want you to hear what I’m thinking.”  He connected his phone to the speakers.  “This is called On Love: Eros .”  The music danced around them in a seductive tango, teasing them with its notes.

Victor tapped his foot with impatience.  “This is torture!  I want to dance to this.”

“But do you want to skate to this?” Yuuri inquired.  Victor hesitated answering.  “Consider this.”  Yuuri took a position on the dance floor and signaled Victor to restart the music.  Yuuri’s movements were seductive, capricious, beguiling.  The tilt of the hip, the attitude in the hands, the turn of the head were captivating.  Victor’s mouth dropped open.    

As Yuuri drew up before him, he asked, “What do you think?”

“I…don’t know if I can pull that off,” Victor rasped.  “It’s very…heated.”

“Eros is the personification of sexual love.  This will be your short program, Victor.  You need to decide on your free skate.”

“I…am not sure what I’d pick.”

“We’ll work out the choreography for Eros while you decide.  You can watch me and between us, we’ll make adjustments until we are both satisfied.”

Victor raised his eyebrows.  “I’ve never built a program like that.”

“I know…but I have, often, so you’ll have the benefit of my experience.  Do you trust me?”  Victor spotted that twinkle in Yuuri’s eyes…that bit of magic that seemed to banish his doubts, like he’d just be sprinkled in pixie dust.

All Victor could do was nod because if the truth be told, he had absolute trust in Yuuri.  He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t trust this beautiful man.  Victor could admit that didn’t he quite know why he trusted him…maybe one day with enough time and healing, he’d understand.  “Yes, I trust you,” he murmured. He was rewarded with Yuuri’s smile and the Russian felt it encompass him, his heart to tightened.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

Little Do You Know

Yuuri leaned against the dancefloor wall drinking the bottle of water.  After three days of running through, arguing over, and refining the Eros program Yuuri felt they had something to take to the ice.  He tilted the bottle back feeling Victor’s eyes on him.  He lowered the bottle slowly, playing into the action drawing Victor’s eyes to the cut of his clavicle.  Yuuri had to laugh internally.  He had been told that when he set a goal he could be merciless and now his sights were fixed on the man in front of him.  Little did they know that he was completely at this silver haired beauty’s mercy.

“So tomorrow shall we take it to the ice?” Yuuri suggested.

Victor stuttered as he watched Yuuri elongate his neck, drinking the water from the bottle. “Y-yes…that should w-work.”  He unconsciously licked his lips but Yuuri caught his response.   Mercy .  He needed to tone it down.  Victor wasn’t ready for this.  But it was good to see that he was interested.  Victor shifted and Yuuri couldn’t resist the touch of smugness in his smile.   Definitely interested.

Eros was truly a devastating program at this point, enthralling, full of lust.

“Why do you think I can do this program?” Victor asked, leaning back to find Yuuri’s eyes.  It wasn’t the first time Victor doubted his ability to pull off this program.  Yuuri had reassured him several times over the past few days as they continued to develop this piece.  Yuuri was very aware of how devastatingly beautiful Victor could perform.  He simply had to find a way to remind him of his sensuality.

Yuuri knelt down on the floor next to sit next to Victor.  “Because…I’ve seen you move like this, felt you move like this in my arms,” he confessed.  Victor’s eyes widened.  “Within this skate, you will see echoes of the tango, of salsa.  I’ve danced both of those with you.  I know you can pull them off.”

“Maybe with a bit of alcohol,” Victor murmured.

“Alcohol can’t make us do something we wouldn’t otherwise be capable.  You have the movements within you.”

“I…suppose.  I don’t…inspire…I’m not…seductive.”

Yuuri turned onto his knees and reached out to trace the line of Victor’s chin.  “Why do you say that?”

Victor dropped his eyes, his lips parting uncertainly.  Yuuri could see the struggle playing out across his features, and then the decision when Victor lifted his eyes.  He shrugged, tightening his lips.  “I’ve been through too much.  That part of me is dead.  All I know is pain.”

Yuuri shook his head even as he pulled his fingers back from touching Victor.  “It’s not dead.  Perhaps asleep, but not dead.  Remember.  You…seduced me,” he murmured.

Victor’s eyes widened and he shook his head in protest.

“At the banquet, I would have done almost anything for you.  All you had to do was ask.  That’s what seduction reduces a person to…and you most assuredly accomplished this.”  Yuuri sat back on his heels, dropping his hand into his lap.

Victor’s lips parted as he lowered his eyes uncertainly.  “I wasn’t…trying to?  I just wanted…to not think about him.  I wanted to escape.  Even if it was a few hours.”

“I know.  But it was hard to let you go,” he confessed.

Victor shifted uncomfortably pulling his knees up to his chest.  “I suppose you knew what awaited me.”

Yuuri offered him a half smile.  “That was…part of it perhaps.”

Victor shook his head in frustration.  “Yuuri.  This is hopeless.  I’m broken.  Beyond repair.  It’s not just my body.  He torments my thoughts still.”

“It is not hopeless,” Yuuri reassured him gently.  He lifted that hand up once more, stroking Victor’s cheek with the back of his fingers.  Victor unconsciously turned into the touch.  “You are not beyond repair…but I understand that it will take time.  The deeper the wounds, the longer it takes to heal.”

Victor sniffed shoving his fingers up to his eyes, wiping his tears away harshly.  He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at the gap between them as he worked to get himself under control.  Yuuri shifted back against the wall beside him, his hand reaching out to massage slow circles in the younger man’s back.  “I don’t know what I want, Yuuri,” Victor finally murmured.  “I just know…I feel safe with you.  Maybe one day the monsters will leave me.”

“One step at a time, Victor,” Yuuri soothed.  “I’ll share my strength with you until you can stand on your own.”

Victor nodded, sniffing once more to clear his head.  “I think…that’s what I want.  To stand on my own.  Until I can do that, everything is on hold.”

Yuuri smiled.  Admitting that was a good step.  “I’m here.  Whatever you need.”

“I don’t want to break you along the way,” Victor whispered, resting his cheek on his knees as he turned to face the other man.

“I won’t break,” Yuuri reassured him then winked.  “You’ve seen me dance.  I have the flexibility of a teenager.”

Victor laughed and that feeling seemed to warm both of them even as Yuuri continued to run his hand up and down Victor’s back.  “I don’t think I’ve really laughed in a long time,” he confessed, a smile resting on his lips.  “At times, the only smile I found was a forced one.  So…maybe there is hope.”

Yuuri stood up and reached down to him.  “Let’s walk home and you can rest.  Then we can take another walk after dinner.”  Yuuri reached out a hand and Victor pulled himself up with a wince.  “Any muscle spasms?”

Victor shrugged as Yuuri held his eyes.  Shaking his head, Yuuri knew Victor was hiding his pain.  They left the studio, locking the door behind them.  

“Maybe tonight…I’ll try the onsen, Yuuri.”  Victor studied his feet.  “After everyone else is gone.”

Yuuri smiled as he caught the other man’s hand in his.  “I think that’s an excellent idea.  It will help speed up the healing.”    

Yuuri and Victor arrived home and found a woman with her hair pulled back and a cigarette in her mouth.  “Mari-neesan!” Yuuri greeted.  “Victor, this is my sister Mari.”

“Hello,” Victor greeted, his smile reserved.

“Oh, hi,” she responded flatly.  “Thanks, Yuuri, for covering for me while I was gone.”

Yuuri shrugged.  “I didn’t mind,” he assured her.

Yuuri grabbed Victor’s hand once more and pulled him inside oblivious to the raised eyebrow of his sister.  They poked their heads into the kitchen and Hiroko looked up with a warm and welcoming smile.  “You are home.  Let me fix you something to eat.”  Soon they had bowls of miso before them, warmth already spreading through their limbs.  “I think it might rain this afternoon,” his mother observed.

“I noticed the temperature drop on the walk home,” Yuuri observed.  “Miso is a good idea.”

“You always liked it after a day on the ice to warm you up inside.”

Yuuri chuckled.  “Well, we are going to move the choreography to the ice tomorrow and work on reinterpreting it.  We’ll spend the morning at the rink.”

“Good.  I’ll plan something warm and filling for when you return.  Vicchan, eat!” she chided as she turned towards the Russian.  “There is more if you are still hungry afterwards.”

“Thank you,” Victor murmured, offering a cautious smile.

They were sitting on the sofa talking with Mari when the warmth of the soup and the meds kicked in.  Victor lost track of conversation and slowly drifted off to sleep, unaware that he settled his head in Yuuri’s lap.  Yuuri glanced down with a smile before resting a hand in his hair.  His sister watched him with a raised eyebrow.

“So it’s like that?” she asked quietly.

Yuuri shrugged, a smile playing at his lips.  “I wouldn’t mind it,” he confessed.  “I don’t think he’s ready, though.”

“So he’s been through a lot,” Mari concluded.

“Yes.  I want to give him time to heal…but I think there’s something there.”  Yuuri allowed his hand to card through Victor’s hair as he continued to converse with his sister.

“He may not be ready but he’s lying with his head in your lap,” she pointed out.  “And he didn’t pull away when you grabbed his hand.”

“I know,” Yuuri whispered, his eyes caressing over the man resting in his lap.

His sister shook her head a short laugh.  “You’ve got it bad.”

Yuuri and Victor remained cuddled together as the rain fell outside.  Mari took a blanket and spread it over the Russian when she saw him shiver from the chill, receiving a whispered “thank you” from Yuuri as she picked her book back up.  Yuuri scrolled through his phone before focusing on a book Phichit recommended.   It took a couple of hours for Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  His cheeks pinked up when he realized that he had fallen asleep in Yuuri’s lap.

“I-I’m sorry,” he stammered as he pushed himself up, wincing at the sudden action.

“Slow down, Victor,” Yuuri responded, placing a bracing hand on him.  “It’s not a problem.”

Victor lowered his chin in embarrassment.  “You were unable to get up.”

“I’m sure I could have figured something out if the need arose.  I was reading on my phone.  It’s not a problem.”

Victor nodded hesitantly.  “Okay.”

“You should probably do your breathing exercises and walk around a bit,” Yuuri urged.  “This dampness can’t be good for you.”

The rain had cleared but the sky remained overcast.  They decided to go to the beach and find a quiet place to sit while Makka ran and chased the waves.  Yuuri held onto Makka so that the poodle wasn’t pulling on Victor.  Settling onto a bench nearby, they watched the poodle bounding about the sandy beach.  Yuuri caught a smile pulling at Victor’s face as he watched the antics of his dog.

“I appreciate this,” Victor murmured as they walked back.  “It’s hard to hold onto him when he gets excited.”

“I don’t mind.  I miss my dog.  He was hit by a car several years back while I was away at college.  I wasn’t able to come home until the summer afterwards.”

“What kind of a dog did you have?” Victor asked, his expression curious.

“He was a sesame Hokkaido,” Yuuri answered, smiling at the memory.  “His name was Takeo which meant ‘warrior’s hero’.  I struggled making friends as a child and he was my constant companion.”

“You had problems making friends?” Victor paused in their walk.

Yuuri nodded.  “And I still would except that I take medication for my anxiety.”

“I-I didn’t know.  I didn’t mean to pry.”

Yuuri shrugged.  “I was falsely accused of doping a few years back because someone spotted me taking anxiety meds.  There was a huge investigation and the press tried to turn it into a scandal.  However, once I got past it, I realized I wasn’t doing myself any favors by keeping it secret.  So although I don’t exactly shout it out, I don’t guard it like a secret either.”

“That must have been difficult,” Victor murmured.  He remembered hearing something about this and dismissed it as one of the meaningless rumors that the press spreads about a sport they don’t understand and can’t appreciate.

“It was easier because I had my coach, Celestino, and my rink mate, Phichit, standing behind me.  Their support got me through.”

Victor nodded as he considered his own support.  “Yakov tried to get me to leave Masha several times but I was afraid.  Then Mila started asking questions as well.  She meant well, but she’s too young to deal with this.  I guess…there were people willing to help.  I just needed to get as far away as possible.  I don’t know if they realized what Masha could do to me…and maybe to them.”

“Once I know you are safe you can contact them, Victor,” Yuuri promised.

Victor stared into the distance as the overlook rose up high enough to show off the whole of Hasetsu.  “I can wait.  I just hate that they are worried.  Maybe I can contact them soon?”

Yuuri nodded, squeezing Victor’s hand reassuringly.  “Once my grandfather contacts me to tell me you are secure, we can start opening up.  I don’t like keeping you locked down like this.”

“At least…I’m safe.  And I don’t have any blood relatives that would be looking for me.  Just Yakov.  And maybe a few of my rink mates.”

Darkness settled around Hasetsu and the last of the customers cleared out.  Yuuri helped his sister shut down the baths, leaving one open for Victor and himself.  “Thanks for helping me clean up, Yuuri,” his sister murmured.  “This boy…you need to watch your heart, Yuuri.”

“I know you think that, Mari-neesan.  But…I can’t explain it.  It’s something I have to do.”

His sister studied him, thinning her lips.  “I guess no one has ever been able to tell you what to do even when you were younger.”

“I’m just as stubborn as my big sister,” he teased.

She laughed dryly.  “Fine.  I’ll butt out.  I’ve survived my share of heartbreaks.”

“I thought you did the heartbreaking,” Yuuri pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

Mari nodded in agreement.  “And I survived them…including the one that tried to run over me.”

“That wasn’t a smart move,” Yuuri pointed out.  “He seemed to straighten up after grandfather had a talk with him.”

Mari smirked.  “Grandfather can be... persuasive.  Well, you two have fun.  Shut it down when you are finished.”  She turned and walked away.

Yuuri headed up the stairs and tapped on Victor’s door.  He heard Victor invite him in and found the man moving slowly.  “Did you overdo it today?”

“No.  I don’t think so.  It might be this damp weather.  I’m cold, too.”

“Let’s get you in the hot spring and warm you up.”  Yuuri helped him to stand and led him down the stairs.  “We wash up really well before entering the hot springs.  There are yukatas available if you wish to cover up with more than a towel as you come out to the spring.”  Yuuri demonstrated the process and then threw a towel casually over his shoulder.  “I’ll be in the onsen closest to the corner.  Join me when you are ready.”

Yuuri found his favorite spring and settled down, enjoying the privacy it afforded.  He waited.

Victor watched Yuuri leave, his eyes falling to the other man’s ass more than once even though he kept consciously averting them.   This man is going to be the death of me.  As he picked up the sprayer, though, he adjusted that thought .  No.  He is my savior.  He didn’t even hesitate to take me in.  I don’t understand it.  But…I also am drawn to him.  More so than with anyone.  Victor washed off the last of the day’s sweat and pulled a yukata off the shelf.   And he is…considerate…and warm.  I was drawn to his kindness when we met.  He didn’t judge me…but offered me an escape.  How could I ever repay him?

Victor stepped into the room with the indoor baths and looked around the dimly lit space for the exit.  Finally oriented, he walked across the room and exited into the cool night air.  He shivered but wandered down the path towards the promise of warmth.  Yuuri was settled into the onsen, his eyes closed as he relaxed.  Taking a deep breath, Victor took the robe off and laid it over by the towels Yuuri brought with him.  

Stepping gingerly into the spring, he felt the warmth slide up his skin as he worked his way across to the deeper edge that held Yuuri.  Yuuri’s eyes blinked open on Victor’s approach and Victor flinched, feeling exposed and open.  Victor reached across his body, grabbing his elbow, uncertainty radiating off of his body.  

Yuuri was aware of the damage peripherally but lifted his eyes to hold Victor’s with an open expression.  Some scars he had noticed before when Victor had removed his shirt in front of him although now fresh, newly healed pink skin puckered to reveal fresh damage.  He forced himself not to react as his eyes glanced across cuts.  So many small cuts made him wondered about the story behind them while simultaneously fighting the turn of his stomach at the possibility.  Small round burns brought to mind cigarettes.  Most of the bruises had faded at this point and even the ribs didn’t show evidence of the damage.  However, that just led Yuuri’s mind to realize that so much damage was hidden.  How many bruises? Sprains? Breaks? Yuuri took a deep breath to clear those thoughts.

Yuuri stood to take his hand, guiding Victor to settle next to him.  “See what I mean?  The warmth is already chasing away your chills.”  Yuuri avoided the topic of Victor’s scars.  It would be his choice whether they talked about them.

Victor smiled gratefully even as he accepted the arm of the other man offering him shelter, settling into its protective embrace.  Yuuri sighed as he leaned back once more.  Victor remained stiff only for a moment before relaxing into Yuuri’s side.  He allowed himself the dream of belonging to this man as he closed his own eyes.  This man would never hurt him.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

Monsters

Part of Victor was aware that this was surreal, somewhere lost in a dream.  Yet, he couldn’t help but feel the sense of happiness from Yuuri’s regard as they entered the arena.  Everything was going well.  He warmed up and prepared to skate.  Then, as he approached the barrier, he was intercepted by Masha.  He drew in a deep breath.  Yuuri stepped in between the two as Masha drew a weapon.  The loud crack caused Victor to shake.  He seemed trapped in this nightmare, unable to wake up as he watched Yuuri sink to the floor.  Masha laughed.  “You are at my mercy, Vityenka .  There will be no more ice for you.”

Victor’s eyes blinked open.  Cold chills vibrated over his skin.  Shoving back the blankets like shoving back the vestiges of the dream, Victor found his feet.  He looked around, assuring himself that he was still in Hasetsu, still in the safety of Yuuri’s home.  A quick glance at his phone told him it was just past one in the morning.  He pushed himself out of bed and opened his door.  The hallway was still, sleep held a heavy holdon the household.  Yuuri’s door was slightly ajar.  Victor padded down towards the opening and peeked inside.  He could see the brunette curled up asleep.   It was just a dream.

He crossed the hall to the bathroom.  Relieving himself, he moved to the counter to wash.  He found himself splashing water on his face to try to shake off the lingering fear.  Drying his face, he returned to the hallway.  Yuuri’s door attracted his notice once more.

He pushed open the door to get a better view of the sleeping man.  Makkachin was curled up in the opposite corner of Yuuri’s bed unconcerned.   He could use Makka’s company tonight.  That excuse in mind, he entered Yuuri’s room, his feet silent on the floor as he crossed to the bed.  

Except, he found himself standing next to Yuuri.  The residual tendrils of the dream snaked their way into Victor’s thoughts.  He reached down, needing to feel the warmth of Yuuri’s skin, needing proof that the man was alive, even as he could hear him breathing.

Yuuri stirred under Victor’s touch, the back of those fingers brushed over his cheeks.  Eyes fluttering open, the brunette blinked in surprise, forcing his sleep-ridden eyes to focus on the figure in front of him.  “Is everything alright, Victor?”

Victor felt the heat of his blush and stepped back.  “I-I had a bad dream.  I n-needed to know you were alright.”

Yuuri pulled the covers back.  “Come here,” he whispered but Victor felt compelled, like a command to go to Yuuri.  He sat down on the bed and then he felt Yuuri’s arms reach around him and pull him to the space in front of him.  He turned curling up in that space, in Yuuri’s protective embrace.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Victor murmured, feeling the fear come off of him in waves, his body still trembling.  “It’s just…I dreamed he was there…and then you stepped between us.  He shot you.  I woke up terrified.”

“It’s just a dream,” Yuuri soothed, his hand running up and down Victor’s back to comfort the man in his arms.  “I’ve got you.  We are safe.”

“I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to…someone I cared about,” Victor continued to fret, knotting his hands in Yuuri’s sleep shirt.  Yuuri smoothed Victor’s hair, brushing a kiss through the part.  He heard the sniff and knew Victor was once more fighting tears.

It took half an hour to sooth Victor to the point he could sleep.  Cuddled up in Yuuri’s protective embrace, he finally relaxed with his head on Yuuri’s shoulder, forehead buried into Yuuri’s neck.  Yuuri held onto this man wanting to keep him safe, wanting to chase away those nightmares, wanting to shield him.

The night still hung heavily on Victor’s shoulder when he woke the second time.  He felt the warmth of another man’s embrace but the scent was not Masha.   He rose, disoriented at first.  Then he remembered. I am safe.  This is Yuuri.  He shifted uncertainly before abandoning the other man’s embrace.  He sought refuge in his room.  As his body shook beneath the covers, he was tormented by his thoughts.   Why am I crying?  It isn’t Masha, I don’t want him.  Victor wrapped his arms around his chest, the emptiness tearing at him, words clawing to the surface.  Victor refused to give them voice.  He wasn’t ready.  He was still hurting.   Will I ever be ready?

Yuuri stretched in his bed, a frown momentarily finding his lips.  The space Victor occupied was now cold.   How long did he stay?  He swallowed down the knot in his throat.  He closed his eyes and tried to push away the sense of rejection.  No, Victor cared about him.  He just isn’t ready to open up.  Still, Yuuri was despondent when he dragged himself into the bathroom to shower.

Years of habit allowed him to push through the necessary preparations of getting ready even as his mind twisted and spiraled.  He laid out the razor, lotion, and towel for after his shower.  

Reaching back in the linen closet he pulled out a towel and cloth.  The shower greeted him with its welcoming warmth.  Lost in the moisture, he allowed the sorrow envelope him.  I’m not good enough for him.  I’m just a friend.  I-I want more...but, he’s been through so much.  What if I make it worse?  It’s not like I’ve had any relationship experience.  He shoved the tears that burned his eyes aside.   Why am I crying?  What have I been through in comparison? Can I be just his friend?  Is that all he wants from me?  God, but I want...to love him.  How...do I love him best?  His breath hitched as the knot in his throat tightened and he forced himself to breathe through several steadying breaths.  

The luxury of wallowing was pushed aside when he stepped out into the bathroom, blinking away his tears, drying off and slipping on a yukata.  

He opened the door to release the steam.  Victor was leaning at the opposite wall.  Yuuri started.   Did he hear me?  No, the shower would have drowned out any discernable noise.  He forced a smile.  “Good morning.”

“Hello.”  Victor’s voice was hollow; his face, spotted with red blotches; puffiness, around his eyes.

Yuuri thinned his lips.  Victor’s bad night obviously didn’t end when he left his room.  He forced cheeriness into his voice, not wanting to point out the signs of tears.   “Do you need anything in here?  I’m used to sharing bathroom space with Phichit.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” Victor protested.

A sharp laugh slipped out.  “Phichit has no boundaries!  Come in and do what you need.”

Victor was hesitant but then seemed to decide there was no point in modesty between them.  Entering the room, he slipped back to the small enclosed area for the toilet.  Yuuri forced himself not to consider the intimacy of this shared space as he brushed his teeth.  He was preparing to shave when Victor reentered the main space.  Stepping aside, he gave Victor access to the sink.

Victor peered into the mirror, shoving his hand through his hair, the length falling in tangles around his shoulder.  “I think I need a shower as well.  When did you want to leave?”

“We have the ice all morning,” Yuuri answered with a shrug.  “Do what you need to do.”

Victor made a face in the mirror.  “It takes about an hour for my hair to dry completely.”

“We have time,” Yuuri answered with a smile to hide his nerves, Victor’s closeness this morning unsettling him in his current mental state.

Victor set the taps to the shower.  Yuuri was very aware of him undressing behind him as he tried to focus on shaving.  “Fuck!” slipped out under his breath as he cut himself shaving.  Victor looked up in surprise but saw the blood rising to the surface.

“Are you okay?”

“Just all thumbs this morning, it seems.”

“I see,” Victor murmured just before he disappeared into the shower.

Yuuri took advantage of Victor being out of sight to finish his shave.  Cleaning up his mess he called out to Victor, “I’ll see you downstairs.”  Leaving the bathroom, he closed the door and breathed sigh of relief.

Victor stood in the shower, aware of Yuuri at the sink.  Aware of Yuuri, period.  What shifted?  

He remembered the previous day the way he broke down in front of Yuuri, the way Yuuri supported him, how he was drawn into Yuuri’s embrace in the hot springs.  Then he thought about going to Yuuri in the middle of the night.  Yuuri didn’t flinch away from him, welcomed him next to him, held and comforted him without seeking more than Victor was able to give.   I’m falling for him.

The realization struck him hard.  Through all of the pain, he felt something growing in his heart, something more than lust and desire he attributed to the Eros program.  He ran from Yuuri when he woke up, or actually from the unsettled state of his heart.  Now with a few more hours sleep between them, entering the enclosed space, he realized he was in love with this man.

Then a smile played at his lips as he reflected on Yuuri’s struggle with the razor, the obvious effect Victor’s presence was having on the other man.  He heard Yuuri’s exit from the bathroom.  Victor finished his shower and stepped out.  He spent the next half hour grooming, drying his hair, and thinking about the man who just left this sink.  Finally, he settled his thoughts.   I’m not ready but I know what I’m feeling.  

Victor left the bathroom to get dressed.  Yuuri’s door was open and Yuuri sat in the middle of the made bed, legs crisscrossed while he scrolled in his phone.  The brunette looked up, a blush rising in his cheeks.  “Breakfast will be ready soon.  Make sure you grab your skates.”

“I’m not cleared!” Victor started.

Yuuri shrugged.  “I’m sure you can do some easy circles around the rink.  Maybe even some elementary figures.”

Victor’s face lit up at the prospect.  “Thank you.”

He heard a soft chuckle behind him as he disappeared into his room.

Yuuri and Victor climbed the stairs to Ice Castle while Yuuri told Victor about growing up skating at this rink and how it was now run by his old rink mates.  As they approached the door, Yuuri produced a key.  Victor raised an eyebrow.  “Do you have a key to everything here?”

Yuuri laughed in response.  “To the ballet studio and the rink only.”

“So the important places.  Good to know.”

“I have similar access in Detroit,” Yuuri added with an amused raise of the eyebrow.  “I take it you didn’t have similar privileges.”

Victor shook his head, his expression darkening.  Lowering his voice, he stated, “I had to break in to get my gear before coming here.  I slid a note under Yakov’s door and left my phone in my locker.”  He paused and studied Yuuri for a moment before adding, “Yakov would have given you a key.  There were a few older skaters he trusted with access.”

“You miss your family?”

“My skate family…yes.  I didn’t realize that I would.  I just…knew I couldn’t stay.”

“Sometimes we form relationships without realizing it,” Yuuri murmured, sliding an arm around the other man’s waist.  “It will probably be another week at least before you can safely call.”

“I…I can wait.  I don’t want to put anyone else at risk.”

“Whatever is happening on their end, it hasn’t hit the headlines.  That makes me think that your coach is covering for you.”

“He…knew what was going on.  He’s been trying to get me to leave Mikhail for some time.”

“You are out.  You are safe.  Are you ready to skate?”

Victor drew a steadying breath and nodded.  Yuuri guided him inside.  It took a moment for them to spot the couple inside.

“Yuuuuri!” a woman exclaimed.  “It’s about time you came by.  I thought you were mad at me.”

Yuuri laughed in response.  “Not at all.  Yuuko, this is my friend Victor.  He is staying with me.”

“Hello, Victor.  I’ve seen you skate.  Are you on a social media break?”

Victor raised his eyebrows in surprise at being recognized.  Yuuri took charge of the situation.  

“Yes and he would like to remain unnoticed.  Can we keep the girls phones under wraps?”

“Oh!  I’ll make sure they don’t leak anything out.  Let me tell my husband.”  She disappeared around a corner into a back room.

Turning to Victor, he explained, “If anyone would recognize you, it would be Yuuko and her girls.  They are what we call figure skating otaku.”

“You’ve known Yuuko for a while.”

“Since I was very small.  We skated up into our juniors together.  However, she didn’t transition to seniors.  She married instead and then the triplets were born not too long after.”

“Triplets?”

“Yes,” Yuuri grinned.  “My god-daughters.”  As if on cue, three girls ran out of the area screaming “Uncle Yuuri!”  Yuuri laughed as they surrounded him.  “Victor, this is Axel, Lutz, and Loop.”

Victor’s eyes brightened up.  “You weren’t kidding about Yuuko being a fan.”

“She’s been involved in figure skating as long as I have…she just took a different path.  She helps run the rink with her husband’s family and gives beginning lessons to the younger skaters.  Her mother works with novice level skaters.  She was my first coach.”

The girls bounced around demanding Yuuri’s attention and he played with them until their exuberance took them elsewhere.  Victor watched with a smile on his lips.  Yuuri at home was so unguarded and this was yet another moment shared with him.

A man came out with Yuuko moments later.  “Yuuri!  Yuuko has been fussing for days about you not coming to the rink!”

Yuuri chuckled.  “So I’ve been hearing.  How are you?”

“I’m fine.  Your friend?”

“Victor, this is Takeshi.  Don’t let him fool you.  He knows as much about skating as Yuuko, although he did switch to hockey half way through high school.  Yuuko and I have since forgiven him of such a transgression.”

Victor held out his hand and Takeshi took it with a firm handshake.  “Yuuko said we were to keep your presence here quiet?”

“Ummm…yes, please,” Victor murmured.

The older man nodded.  “I’ll have to keep reins on my girls.  Excuse me while I figure out where they disappeared,” he waved as he headed in the direction of the girls.

Victor followed Yuuri into the rink where they found a bench to put on their skates.  As he knotted his skates, Victor began to talk, wanting to have someone share his world.  “Yakov found me when I was young skating an outdoor rink in Moscow and put me with a coach that worked with beginners and novices.  My mother supported me in my dreams but she was very ill.  When I was fourteen, she made Yakov my guardian.  I didn’t realize she didn’t have long left to live.”  Victor paused, swallowing down the knot rising in his throat.  “I…I was in a competition when she passed away.  They told me she watched me on the television in the hospital and she seemed at peace when she passed away.  I didn’t do well the rest of the season and that summer, Yakov took me to a shelter where I adopted Makkachin.  I lived with Yakov until I moved into the dorms at seventeen.”  Yuuri watched him intently, his expression sober as he told his story.  “I don’t know if she would like what I became, Yuuri.  She was always so much stronger than me.  She…left my father when he hit her the first time.  When she learned later that she was pregnant with me, she never contacted him.  He isn’t even on my birth records.”

Yuuri reached out to take his hand, giving it a squeeze.  “I don’t think you are weak.”  Victor gave the tiniest of smiles.  “Do you want to skate?”

“Yes!” Victor answered brightly, glad to shake off the story.  He wanted Yuuri to know something of where he came from but he didn’t want to dwell on it.

“Remember,” Yuuri warned.  “Slow laps and the most elementary of figures.  We don’t want setbacks.”

They started out together taking slow and languid laps.  Then Yuuri took off building speed and Victor laughed in response.  Yuuri skated in and out of his space talking with him, turning to skate backwards, telling stories of growing up at this rink.  He would at times take Victor’s hand, inviting him to be more a part of him just a little more.

Three pairs of eyes watched the exchange between the two men and were snapping pictures from their hiding place using their phones.  They excitedly giggled about their “uncle Yuuri and his boyfriend” when a pair of large hands took the phones from them.  They looked up with wide eyes.  “Papa!” they squealed.

“No pictures.  Yuuri asked for privacy.  You will respect that, ladies.  At ten, you are old enough to know better.”

They pouted even as they watched their father take the phones down the back stairs with him.

Victor pulled to the edge of the rink watching Yuuri continue to warm up.  The brunette waved at him as he came around the curve and braked next to him.  “So, shall we see how Eros works on ice?”

Victor nodded, a smile playing at his lips.  He loved watching Yuuri perform and he was eager to see the dance reinterpreted into a skate.  “I can’t wait,” he whispered.

“Keep your eyes on me,” Yuuri teased, his fingers sliding along Victor’s jawline.  The other man’s breath caught.  Yuuri smiled and winked before moving into the opening position.

Victor was aware of Yuuri’s friends Yuuko and Takeshi standing nearby to watch the skate but his attention was completely focused on Yuuri, his attention magnetically pulled to the other man.  Yuuri settled his eyes on Victor and Victor gasped as he watched the other man toss a teasing smirk in his direction before losing himself into the story of the music.

The playboy arrived in town and focused his attention on the town beauty, assuming he could seduce the beauty to his side.  As the beauty danced in and out of the playboy’s space, he thinks that he has succeeded and moves to lay claim.  Except, there is another, someone who has been there all along, watching from the sidelines, biding time until the beauty is ready for him.  The beauty turns to the other man, captivated by someone they never considered. As if seeing him for the first time, they toss aside the playboy and draw themselves to the other.

Victor was breathless when Yuuri skates to his side, his face wide.  “It transitioned to the ice beautifully, Yuuri.  I can’t believe it.  I…have no words to describe…what that program elicits.”  Victor could feel heat in his cheeks but he held his head high.  He would not retreat from his words.

Takeshi laughed as Yuuri acknowledged them.  “That’s one spicy katsudon,” he teased.

“God!  Are you going to revive that nickname?”

“Once the blackout is lifted, I’m seeing #spicykatsudon trending once more.”

“You suck, you know!”

He laughed in response.  “Maybe, but I’ll hold onto it until you give the okay.  I took the cells from my girls earlier.”

Yuuri groaned.  “What did they capture?”

Takeshi lowered his voice.  “Just the two of you skating warmups.  Don’t worry,” Takeshi reassured him.  “They didn’t get anything posted.  I’ve declared the rink a cellphone free zone.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri murmured echoed by Victor.  Yuuri quirked an eyebrow in Victor’s direction.  “Do you want to cool down with me?”

“Ummm…s-sure,” he answered, taking the proffered hand.  They skated away from the boards while Yuuri’s friends looked on.

“What did you think?” Yuuri asked, turning to face Victor as he skated backwards, trusting Victor to guide him as earlier.

Victor grinned.  “It’s…a good program.  You marked the jumps.”

“I didn’t warm up any jumps.  Also, we haven’t discussed what jumps we would use.  We may have to adjust the entry points.”

Victor nodded.  “I hope I can convey the necessary emotion.”

“You can.  Just keep the story in mind.”

“The idea of seducing an entire arena full of people…”

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “You don’t.  You focus on one person.  The rest are watching it unfold as spectators.  The connection is between you and…someone.”

“You were focused on me,” Victor acknowledged, his eyes wide in realization.

Yuuri grinned.  “I would hope that that was obvious.”

Victor dropped his gaze, swallowing.  Finally, he nodded.  Yuuri tugged on his hand and he looked up to see that he was being pulled towards the exit.  “I think your friend’s observation was correct.”  Yuuri turned and raised an eyebrow as he clipped on the guards.  “You were…a spicy katsudon.”  Victor shifted his eyes down, feeling the heat rise up in his cheeks.  Yuuri’s warm laugh surrounded him.

“I’m going to give them hell if they revive that hashtag,” Yuuri answered back.  But he squeezed Victor’s hand and Victor felt grounded in reassurance.

Switching to their street shoes, Yuuri headed towards the entrance to the rink with Victor following close behind.  Stopping at the counter, he told his friends “thanks” before heading out.  Yuuri caught Victor’s hand, leading him down the steps.  They shared lighthearted conversation as they walked home.

[LOST BOYS CENTRAL – Chat Logs]

TakeIce/  What is going on with Pan?

Peaches/  What do you mean?

SexGod/  I haven’t heard anything.

TakeIce/  SexGod?  Really, Chris?

Peaches/  rly, Chris?

SexGod/  What?  You said to pick a name that fits me.

Peaches/  I am rolling my eyes right now.

TakeIce/  Same.

Peaches/  Why do you ask, Take?

TakeIce/  Do you know about his guest?

Peaches/  Maybe?

SexGod/  Yes.  The Russian.

TakeIce/  Is he the one from the banquet video?

Peaches/  yes

SexGod/  Oui

TakeIce/  [File download]

TakeIce/  I don’t think this is just another rescue

Peaches/  :O

SexGod/  O.O

Peaches/  You know…he had quite a collection of V’s posters.

Peaches/  [File download]

Peaches/  Look on the wall behind Yuuri.  He watched a lot of skate videos.  We all do.  But he really studied V’s.

SexGod/  I know he was captivated at the banquet.  I’ve never seen Pan like that.

Peaches/  Agreed.  He showed no real interest in dating.

TakeIce/  He’s showing interest now.

Peaches/  I guess…we have a new lost boy.

Victor tapped on Yuuri’s door that afternoon.  He heard Yuuri’s voice invite him in.  Opening, he noticed the lights were off and the room was dimmed.  Yuuri was in his bed.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m just needing quiet time,” Yuuri murmured, his voice sounding strained.

“I can come back later,” Victor whispered, lowering his voice.

Yuuri reached out a hand towards him.  “I don’t mind your company.  Join me for a nap?  I already have Makkachin.”

Victor hesitated only a moment before crawling across Yuuri’s bed.  He settled into the older man’s arms.  He stared up at the ceiling while Yuuri’s breathing evened out trying to form words.  When he broke the silence, his voice was soft, uncertain.  “I…think I want to stay here with you.”

Yuuri tightened his arms around him.  “You can stay as long as you want,” he answered softly.

“It might take me a while to be where you need me.”

“I need you here where I know you are safe,” Yuuri replied, leaning forward to brush a kiss on Victor’s forehead.  “The rest will come at the right time.”

“Thank you…for not rushing me.  I want…to be me.  I think…I haven’t been me for a long time.”  Victor turned in his embrace, tucking in under Yuuri’s chin.

“I want that for you, too.”

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Better Place  

Over the next week they fell into routine.  Walk to the rink.  Morning practice.  Afternoon naps.  Walking Makkachin while they talked.  Evening soaks in the onsen after everyone left.  Victor wanted the closeness with Yuuri and the naps provided a means of expressing a closeness without moving into the intimacy that Viktor wasn’t ready to express.  The sunlight streaming through the window chased the shadows from Victor’s mind as he lay in a half-wake state during this time with Yuuri.

Nighttime, however, was another matter.  Nightmares continued to plague him and he found himself checking on Yuuri several times.  Sometimes just seeing Yuuri breathe as he slept was enough.  Other times he had to touch him which often led to Yuuri enfolding him in his embrace.  Victor never stayed the entire night, slipping away before sunrise.  The interruptions in sleep showed up in the shadows around his eyes but Victor would make up for it during their naps.  

At Victor’s two week checkup he learned his condition had improved.  He wasn’t cleared to do much more than what he had already been skating at the rink with Yuuri but he felt hopeful.  The world seemed to be opening back up for him and Victor  knew it was because of Yuuri.  Yuuri, who offered his love in small doses to keep from overwhelming him.  Yuuri, who gave him small touches and tight embraces, small fluttery kisses along his temple and tender reassurances in his ear.  Victor could feel himself opening up to the older man a little more each day.

“I contacted my grandfather,” Yuuri informed Victor as they walked Makka that evening after the doctor’s appointment.  “He said that they have eyes on Mikhail.  He’s still in Russia, still looking for you and is convinced Yakov has hidden you at some secret figure skating training camp.”

“Surely…he doesn’t think I can skate after what he did to me!”

“Does he really know what it takes to skate?  The physicality of it?”

“I...used skating to escape him.  I would go in to skate often when I probably shouldn’t, pushing through the pain, ignoring...everything.  He...probably does think I can still skate...now that I think about it.”  Victor shuddered as memories started crowding in...the beatings he shook off, the rapes he pushed past.  He closed his eyes, fighting the tears coming to the surface.  He didn’t realize he was shaking until he felt arms wrap around him.  

“Victor,” Yuuri soothed gently.  “He’s not here.  You are safe.”

“I hate how he can still get into my head, Yuuri,” Victor rasped, fighting the tears crawling up his throat.  “He never even took responsibility.  He always blamed me when I was hurt...like I asked for it, demanded it even at times.  Who in their right mind would ask for that?”  

Masha always blamed him for his “little accidents”.  It was always Victor’s fault when Masha lost control.  What scared Victor more was when Masha was in control, when Masha would subject him to long, drawn out torture sessions that really showed the man’s sadistic nature.  He called it playing but it was anything but.  Victor would be abandoned after Masha was finished with him, left to find his way out of the darkness he had retreated into.

He shook himself out of his thoughts, realizing how much they stood out in the open, looking up to see Yuuri watching him with concern, waiting.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  

Yuuri shook his head, drawing Victor into his embrace.  “Don’t be sorry.  I just hate it when you end up back there.  I wish…I could take it all away.”

Victor drew a shaky breath.  “N-no, it’s okay.  You’ve helped me to escape.”  Victor laughed bitterly.  “It turns out that physical escape was the easy part.  It’s taking me longer to escape mentally.”

“You will get past this.  You are so very strong, Victor,” Yuuri encouraged, brushing a kiss against the taller man’s shoulder and then his neck.  Victor’s arms tightened around Yuuri.

“I think…I am only strong because I draw strength from you, Yuuri,” he whispered.

Yuuri held onto him.  “Take what you need from me, Victor.  You will, one day, be strong on your own.”

When they parted, Yuuri studied the man’s expression.  “Do you want to contact Yakov?”

Victor’s eyes widened.  “I can?”

Yuuri nodded.  “Grandfather thinks it should be fine.  But only Yakov.”

“Yakov is the one I wanted to contact the most,” Victor murmured.

“Let’s go find a quiet place to sit at the beach.  That way Makkachin can run and play while you make that call.”

“Will you…stay with me?”

“Of course.”

Soon they were seated.  Victor pulled out his phone shakily and found Yakov’s contact.  With a trembling hand he pressed down to send the call through.  It rang a few times before a gruff voice answered.

“Who is this?” the voice demanded in Russian.

“Yakov,” Victor began.

“Vitya?  Oh, my god!  Vitya, is that you?”

“I’m sorry, Yakov.  I couldn’t stay.”

“Where are you?  Are you safe?”

“I’m safe.  I’m with a…friend.”

“What happened?”

“H-he broke my ribs,” Victor began.  He could hear the sharp intake of breath on the other end.  It was then he realized that he never directly accused Masha before to anyone but Yuuri.  He always made excuses.  “I…had enough.  My friend offered me an escape.”

“I looked for you everywhere.  I found your phone in your locker but you never gave me another number.”

“My friend wanted to make sure that I was safe before I contacted you, Yakov.  I’m so sorry I worried you.”

“Don’t be sorry.  I’m just glad you’re safe, that you’re out.  Are you…skating?”

“Very little.  I’m not cleared to skate yet.”

“Of course, the ribs.”  Some muttered curses on the other end made Victor smile.  Yakov’s harsh personality was comfortable, familiar.

“I have worked with my friend to develop a short program.”

“Will you…allow me to talk to your friend?”

“He doesn’t speak Russian.  You’ll have to talk in English.”

“I can do that.”

“Okay,” Victor took a deep breath.  “Here’s Yuuri.”  He heard the gasp on the other end just before he handed the phone to Yuuri.

“Hello,” Yuuri greeted firmly.  “Yes, sir, I have the means to keep him safe.”  A long pause.  “At competitions I’ve shared with your skaters, you’ve most likely seen the bodyguard that follows me.  My grandfather is a powerful businessman.  He is used to protecting his assets.”  Short pause.  “Victor is now one of those assets.  He’s protected due to his importance to myself.”  Pause.  “Of course, here’s Victor.”  He passed the phone back to Victor who began again in Russian.

“Yakov?”

“Vitya, you’re with Katsuki.  Of all of the alliances you could have made…”

“He’s only being kind to me.”

“His grandfather is a ‘powerful business man’ my ass.  Do you know what old man Katsuki is?”

“I think…it is best that I don’t know too much.”

“I just…well, it may be the only way to protect you from Mikhail.  I don’t want to see you tied into that life, Vitya.”

“Yuuri keeps himself out of it.  He skates.  It will be fine.”

“You watch out for yourself.”

“I’m getting better at that, Yakov.  Will you…let Mila know I’m okay?”

“Of course.  However, your association with Katsuki will be kept quiet for now.  Fuck, Vitya…the way you make friends.”

“I know, Yakov,” Victor whispered, his voice becoming small.  He felt Yuuri’s arm tighten around him then loosen to make long circles on his back.  “I just…Masha was a mistake.  I’m trying to get past it.  Yuuri is different.  Please don’t put them in the same category.”

“I just…hate to see you hurt, Vitya,” the older man answered, lowering his voice.  “I’ve been worried about you.  I still worry about you but at least I know…you’re alive.”   Did his voice break?

Victor leaned against Yuuri’s shoulder and felt his own sobs rise up.  “I’m sorry.  But I am safe.  Yuuri will keep me safe.  Please don’t worry.”

“Vitya, I’m going to worry as long as that piece of shit is looking for you.  But…I feel better knowing you are far away.  And I suppose Katsuki can offer you protection that are out of others’ reach.  Would you be able to contact me once a week?”

“Yes.  If you store this number, please put it under another name.”

“Of course.  Can I call you, then?”

“Y-yes.  If necessary.”

“Good.  Once a week.  You promised.  Don’t forget.”

“I won’t, Yakov,” Victor murmured.

“Okay.  I won’t keep you any longer.”

“Good bye, Yakov,” Victor whispered, dropping his phone.  Yuuri held onto Victor and it took a moment for Victor to realize the rocking motion.  Victor slipped back into English.  “He’s been worried about me.”

“Of course he has,” Yuuri murmured.

“He wants me to call him once a week.”

“I think…that you need that connection, Victor.”  Yuuri watched the younger man wrapped up in his arms.  “Should I…do you want me to call you Vitya?”

Victor’s lips twitched and Yuuri could see the barest hint of a smile.  “I would love that,” he whispered.

Victor found Yuuri in his room reading.  “Yuuri, I’ve been thinking about my free skate.  I’d like to try something different than I’ve used in the past.”

Yuuri looked up from his book with curiosity.  “What do you have in mind?”

For some reason, Victor struggled to get the words out.  “It’s a song… King .  I-It feels personal.  I feel like…I’m reclaiming what I had before.  In fact, I thought about my theme and I keep coming back to the word ‘Reclaim’.  What do you think?”

“It sounds like a great plan, Vitya.  Do you have the song?  I don’t know it and I’d like to hear it.”  Victor sat down on the sofa and felt Yuuri’s arm draw him closer.  Yuuri accepted the earbuds from Victor as Victor scrolled through and played the song .  Yuuri closed his eyes and automatically started picturing the program, filling it with elements in his mind.  Looking up, to meet Victor’s eyes on the song’s conclusion, he nodded in agreement.  “I think this is perfect.  And it works great against the confidence of Eros .  I like it.”

Victor’s eyes lit up.  “Thank you!  I wasn’t sure…it’s so different from what I normally skate.”

“Different can be good.  Keeps things fresh for the audience.”  Yuuri reached out and turned Victor to face him, sliding his fingers down the side of his neck.  The other shivered but focused his eyes on Yuuri, drawn in under his spell.  “You will be beautiful.  I am excited for when the doctor lets you skate again.”

“How do you know?” he asked uncertainly.

Yuuri’s expression softened.  “Because I’ve studied you over the years.  The potential is there but I knew you were thrown off track for some reason.”

Victor processed the words.  Finally, he asked, “You studied me?”

“Yes.  Your skating drew my attention during your junior years.  You had to have noticed the poster of you in my wall in my room.”

Victor nodded, blushing.  “I-I didn’t think it belonged among the pictures that accompany it.  But…I wish I could find that me again.”

“He’s still there,” Yuuri whispered softly, drawing Victor closer with those fingers of his.  He wanted to kiss him but Victor wasn’t ready.  He turned as he drew up to Yuuri, receiving that kiss on his forehead before his head settled on Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri seemed fine with the outcome, tightening his embrace.  “I think…it’s like unwrapping you.  You’ve covered it all with layers of scars and pain.  Loss of your mother.  Loneliness.  And then Masha.  I can’t take away your past, Victor.  I can accept it and help you to move beyond it.”

Victor’s breathing became ragged and he knew he was on the verge of tears.  He felt Yuuri’s hand on his back moving in circles.  He closed his eyes and focused on that hand and the other one resting on his hip.  Grounding sensations helped him to relax.  He lifted his chin and brushed a kiss against Yuuri’s neck, hearing the other’s soft intake of breath in response, feeling the other’s hand stutter in its movement for a moment before continuing.

The next two weeks rotated between studio time and skating time.  Victor directed Yuuri as they developed King, feeling a personal connection to the song and wanting more involvement.  Yuuri worked out Victor’s jumps and entrances as he built Eros .   

When they took King to the ice, Victor’s movements seemed to charged with vibration of excitement, anticipation tinging his motion, powerful forwards strokes into mohawks, leading to backwards crossovers, all more alive than before as he skated circles with Yuuri.  Yuuri listened to King playing in loop on the speakers, the mood of the song settling in on his face.  Victor watched in fascination.  Yuuri’s entire process was so different, so natural.  It lacked the demanding nature of Yakov’s coaching.  Old Victor might have thrived in that other environment if somewhere along the way he hadn’t been broken. Victor had learned to be afraid of demanding people, pushing their ideas on him.  Yuuri seemed to draw something from within Victor that had been dormant for a long time. They worked in partnership, Yuuri valuing what Victor contributed, listening and discussing the details.

Yuuri took position as the final notes played out.  As the thick notes of the introductory instrumentation signaled him into action, Yuuri danced through King , his motions fluid.  Whereas Eros was about loving another, King was definitely about loving yourself.  Both were about casting off the past but one focused on the external and physical, the other purely internal.    King was Victor taking back control, taking back his life, reclaiming the place he lost to his demons, the thoughts that made him fall victim to Masha.  No, he refused to go back to that broken state in which he arrived.  No, he may be scarred but those scars would not define him.  He would reclaim his life.

Yuuri lovingly embraced himself as he closed into the final position then raised his arms as the spin enveloped him coming to a stop, one arm raised, the other over with the hand fisted over his heart.

“Well?” he asked breathless.

Victor nodded.  “I think…it’s perfect.”

Yuuri laughed as he skated to Victor’s side.   “Well, maybe not perfect, but I think the choreography is solid.  Tomorrow is your next appointment with the doctor.  Maybe then you will be cleared to skate.”

“I hope,” Victor whispered, his eyes wide with anticipation.  Yuuri probably sensed his restlessness as he skated around the rink, the circles no longer enough.  He wanted to claim the programs as his own.  He wanted to put more of himself into them.

Yuuri smiled encouragingly taking his hands and squeezing them.  “Everything in time.”

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

Try

Victor sat before the doctor as he examined the young man.  “Are you still relying on the muscle relaxers and pain medication?”

“Not so much,” Victor answered quietly.

“When do you take them?” the doctor inquired.

Victor shrugged.  “After a long day before I go to bed.  I find that the onsen helps quite a bit, though.”

The doctor pulled out the film and studied it in comparison with the x-rays from the weeks before.  “It appears to be knitting together quite nicely.”  Setting it down, he looked over at the skater thoughtfully.  “I wouldn’t want to see you taking jumps yet.  But…I can clear you for the ice.  Come back in two weeks, we’ll see your progress, and talk about jumps then.”

Victor’s eyes lit up excited.  “Yuuri?”

Yuuri nodded.  “I’ll let you work through your choreography but if you so much as think of a jump I’ll ban you from the ice.”

“Yes, sir!”  Victor was already standing up and pulling on his shirt as he bounced up and down in excitement.  Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh at his exuberance.

“Come here, Victor,” Yuuri directed, a smile playing on his lips.  Victor drew up to his side and mimicked Yuuri’s starting position.  “I know you know these programs.  You helped me build them and perfect them.  I want you to skate them.  First, Eros .”

Victor nodded sharply.  Yuuri raised an eyebrow and Victor took a deep breath, adjusting to the attitude of the program.

“Mark the jumps,” Yuuri reminded him.  Victor stuck out his tongue and Yuuri rolled his eyes in answer before counting out the take off.  They moved through the choreography, Yuuri guiding him through the entire program before Yuuri fell off to the side and commanded Victor to go through it once more, this time solo.  Victor nodded and went back to the starting position.  After the third time through, Victor came to Yuuri’s side with a visible pout.

“It’s not coming easily.  I know this program but…I don’t think I can convey it.”

Yuuri laughed warmly.  “You just started, Vitya,” he teased, his fingers sliding along the curve of Victor’s chin.  He saw Victor’s eyes widen with the use of the diminutive form of his name.  He watched with interest as Victor leaned into his touch.  “Trust me.  You can do this.  Focus for now getting the routine into muscle memory.”

“Can we work on King instead?” he asked with a touch of petulance.

Yuuri shook his head.  “After the break, maybe.  We will do Eros for now, Victor,” he answered firmly.

Victor drew his eyebrows in as he studied the space in front of him on the ice.  “Let me hear the music, please?”

Yuuri smiled.  “Now that I can do.”  Yuuri moved over and prepared the music.  Picking up the remote, he moved back to his position near the entrance and waited for Victor to return to start.

When Victor was ready, he nodded to Yuuri who hit play.  

Victor…winked.  Yuuri started, then grinned.  He watched the music wrap its seductive fingers around Victor, drawing him out.  

Victor…was playful.  He teased Yuuri with his movements and Yuuri couldn’t help the smile that settled on his lips.  

Victor…flirted.  As if possessed by his younger self, Yuuri watched the shadows of the past few years fall away from Viktor.  Youth settled around him and he seemed to grab hold of that version of himself.  Yuuri chuckled in response.  

Victor…stole Yuuri’s heart.  He already knew that but it became more apparent in the skate.  He was lost to him.

Victor came to his side.  “Better?”

“Much,” Yuuri answered, gruffness entering his voice.  “I can’t wait until we add in jumps.”

Victor nodded excitedly.  “Nor can I.”

“For now, we will focus on your artistry and step sequences.”

“Spins?”

“Once the others are down, we’ll tighten your spins.  I don’t want to put too much strain on your

body.”

Victor nodded, taking Yuuri’s words in thoughtfully.  “How was my interpretation?” he asked, feigning wide-eyed innocence.

Yuuri chuckled.  “Youthful.  It was…a beautiful interpretation.  I would like to see you hold onto that innocence…while still aging it up.”

Victor nodded in agreement.  He toyed with his hair as he considered his program.  “I was trying to remember what it was like…when I still enjoyed skating.”

“I can see that,” Yuuri murmured.  “It’s good to go back to that place…and maybe...bring it forward?”

Victor dropped his head against Yuuri’s shoulder.  “Do you think I can?  Do you think it’s possible to enjoy it once more?” he asked uncertainly into the bend of Yuuri’s neck.  

Yuuri brushed his lips against the top of his head.  “Once you find joy in your life, it will come out in your skating, Vitya,” he murmured softly as he leaned his cheek against the top of Victor’s head.

“I think…with you, I’m closer,” Victor answered quietly.

Mila stormed into Yakov’s office like a red-headed hurricane, grabbed the oversized dictionary from his desk, and threw it at the opposite wall.  Yakov growled in irritation.  Mila stamped her feet repeatedly, her fists at her side, offering her own screechy growl in response.

“Something upsetting you, Mila?” Yakov asked, annoyance clearly showing in his voice.

“Victor’s old boyfriend!” she screeched, going through another series of stamps and fistint.

A dark cloud moved over Yakov’s countenance as he shifted his posture upright, his eyebrows knitting together.  Raising his voice with tightly contained anger, he asked, “Did he approach you?”

“Yura and I were running to the rink and he stopped us.  He kept trying to get us to tell him where you hid Victor.  I told him we honestly don’t know.  Still…he was threatening, Yakov.  I honestly felt threatened.  He kept coming into our space trying to intimidate us.”  She drew a sharp intake of breath.  “Yura is only fifteen!  He needs to back off!”

“I agree.  I’ll get a restraining order against him where all of my skaters are concerned.  Go warm up, Mila.”  He watched Mila as she huffed and then stomped out of the office, her anger not dissipated in the least.  Sighing, he picked up the phone and called his attorney.

Over the past weeks the rink in St. Petersburg had adopted a new, unspoken rule,   Do not ask where Vitya is hiding.  The other skaters suspected Yakov knew but it was in Victor’s best interest for the rest of them to remain in the dark.  When Mila came to him frantic the morning Victor had disappeared having found Victor’s phone in his otherwise empty locker and showed Yakov their final text exchanges, Yakov hid the note that Victor had left behind.  Yakov told Mila that Victor  was in a safe place, hoping there was truth in those words.

The day following Victor’s flight from Russia, Mikhail pushed his way into Yakov’s office demanding to know where Victor had fled.  Yakov deflected Mikhail, drawing the younger man’s focus onto himself.  It was the only way he knew to protect Victor and give him a chance.  He hated to lose the skater, a boy whom he’d raised from fourteen and known even longer.  However, he wanted him safe and free from Mikhail’s control.

Yakov waited until the third day to unlock Victor’s phone.  He found…a note written to Yakov.  “If anything happens to me, hand this over as evidence.  The pictures will explain it all.”  He flicked over to the photos and found a folder marked “Masha’s Abuse”.  His eyes widened when he realized that Victor had categorically chronicled the abuse over the last year.   In the pictures, he would hold up date cards and take pictures of the damage to his body.  The pictures progressively grew worse.  By the time he reached the broken wrist that Yuuri spotted at the GPF, the old man was physically ill that he was unable to get Victor out of that man’s hold.  The boy had been tortured.  Yakov drew a steeling breath before finishing up the photos.  That phone was now in his attorney’s hands.    

When Victor called him two weeks later, he fought through the urge to cry, the relief was so strong.  Although he was nervous about Victor being in Katsuki’s care, Yakov knew the skater’s familial connection to the Yakuza, he investigated the other skater and only learned good things about him.  The older skater was unfailingly kind.  His coach and friends, of course, spoke highly of him, however, so did others, talking about how he went out of his way to help one and then another of his fellow skaters without any expectation of return.  With that investigation, he began to relax about Victor’s caretaker.

A week later, Victor called once more.  The old coach told Victor that his phone was in the hands of their attorney.  Victor told him that the credit card he used to leave had been reported stolen.  Yakov told him not to worry.  The bill would be covered.  “Will you be skating?”

Victor laughed bitterly.  “I’m trying.  All I can do is try.  Yuuri seems confident.”

“Programs?” Yakov asked.

Victor hesitated before answering, “We...are working on them.”

“Vitya…are you okay?”  Yakov couldn’t shake his worry and he was certain his voice sounded gruffer than normal.

There was a deep breath on the other end.  Finally, Victor answered, “I will be.  Some days are easier than others.  I’m…in a better place.”

“Please watch out for yourself, Vitya,” Yakov warned.  “Don’t make me attend your funeral.”

The other end of the line was quiet for a few moments.  Finally, Victor answered gruffly, “That’s why I had to leave.”

“I know…I saw the…pictures.  You never let me know it was that bad.”

“I…didn’t want you to know.  I…wanted to forget it myself.”

“Vitya…” Yakov sighed.

“I know.  I…I’m out now.  Hopefully, I can stay free.”

“Please be careful.”

“I will, Yakov.  Yuuri makes sure of it.”

“Okay,” Yakov answered in resignation.

That was four days ago.

Yakov still protected him…but he needed to find a way to protect the others as well.  He picked up his phone and made a call.  Yuuri Katsuki and Mikhail Volkov weren’t the only ones with connections.

“Gregor?  I have a problem.  Volkov’s son, Mikhail, is harassing my skaters.  Can you arrange someone to shake him up?”  Yakov pulled out the old vodka bottle and shot glass from the bottom drawer as he listened.  “No, Victor’s no longer with him.  That’s the problem.  Mikhail isn’t ready to accept that.” Yakov threw back a shot of vodka.  “Thanks, Gregor.  I’ll be sure and give Lilia your love.”  Lilia…his ex but still a good friend even if they both admit it grudgingly.  He sighed.  Time to deal with those thankless kids on the ice.

Yuuri found Victor in the locker room curled up in the corner.  Kneeling down, Yuuri asked him gently, “What’s wrong?”

Victor handed Yuuri the phone.  The headline read Russian Figure Skater Reported Missing .  Yuuri flicked his eyes to Victor before dropping them.   Fuck!   This was not what they needed.  Once he made the headlines, it would be harder to hide him.  “It...couldn’t have been...Yakov,” Victor stuttered.  “What if he finds me?  I was really beginning to feel safe, Yuuri.  What if...it’s all ruined?”

Yuuri pulled him into his arms, his hands soothing Victor as they massaged up and down his back.  Leaning his cheek against Victor’s head, he reassured him.  “He’s desperate.  Trying to find a way to flush you out.  I’m sure Yakov is already working on a press release to counteract this.”

“And if it’s not enough?”  Yuuri winced at the panic he heard in Victor’s voice.  Thankfully, the other man can’t see him.  “Someone will eventually see me. It will show up on social media.”

“That’s when grandfather’s team takes over,” he reminded him gently but firmly.  “First of all, his visa will be denied.  He’s already been blacklisted.  The second line of defense is the security that cover pretty much all of this town.  Then we have the individual security details that look after both of us.  Every one of them has a picture of Mikhail and they know what you look like.  He won’t be able to get near you. You will be safe, Victor.  Especially here.”

A press release, issued by Yakov, came out later that day stating that “Victor Nikiforov was staying in a private physical rehab facility while he recovered from an injury.”

Takeshi found Victor fidgeting in the stands while Yuuri talked with Yuuko.  “Do you know about the Lost Boys?” he asked.  Victor shook his head in answer.  “Well, there’s a reason we all call him Pan.  He’s been pulling us out of fixes for as long as I remember.  There are quite a few of us, now.  Although, I think the main ones are Chris, Phichit, and myself.”  He was quiet, resting his eyes on the ice.  “You aren’t the first one he’s rescued.”

“I know.  His mother told me.”

“He’s not failed us.  Not one.  And with each one, that’s another one looking out for you.”

Victor gazed across the ice where Yuuri chatted with his friend.  “H-how did he rescue you?”

Takeshi laughed.  “Well…mine was much more subtle.  And we sort of rescued each other.  When Yuuri was younger, he was a tiny kid.  His other classmates would bully him.  He’d hold a stiff chin but he continued to be pushed and shoved.  One day, I watched Yuuko stand up for him.  Something went through me that day.  First of all, I think I fell for that mama bear across the rink.  I also found that I was willing to champion her causes.   It’s funny, though.  Kids aren’t so willing to bully someone with friends that will stand up for them.

“A few years later, I wanted to ask Yuuko out but I was scared shitless.  Yuuri would roll his eyes at me and tell me to just ask her.  I don’t know.  It’s hard to cross from friends…to something more.  What if it goes wrong?  Then you lose a friend as well.  So…Yuuri started asking us to go places with him.  Only, he’d cancel at the last minute.  Not every time.  But enough times to look suspicious.  By the time we caught on, however, I had worked up the courage to ask Yuuko out.  So, I owe Yuuri my family.  And that’s how he became godfather to our girls.”

“Hiroko told me about Hikaru.  She didn’t think they were dating although I got the idea she already knew her son was gay.”

Takeshi chuckled.  “If nobody knew at the time, they figured it out when Yuuri started hanging out with Hikaru.  They…sort of dated.  Then they decided they made better friends.  Yuuri felt bad because Hikaru would not have been found out if it weren’t for him.  So he made sure he took care of him until he could take care of himself.  I know they’ve lost touch over the years, though.  Hikaru never comes back here.”

Victor woke with a start, pulling his legs to his chest as he looked around the room trembling.   I am safe.  I am with Yuuri.  He can’t get to me.  Then he knew he needed to be next to Yuuri.  Grabbing his pillow, he padded down the hall to Yuuri’s room.  The other man was sitting up scrolling through his phone when he walked through the door.

“Bad dream?” Yuuri asked as he lifted the blanket back to welcome him.  Victor nodded wordlessly.  “I had a feeling after the news report.  Yakov’s press release seems to be doing its job.  Several papers have updated their articles in response.”  Yuuri put his phone on the charger.

Victor nodded, squeezing his pillow close.  “Can I…can I sleep with you?”

“Of course, Vitya.  Come here,” Yuuri offered, opening his arms.  Victor curled up into his embrace and soon their legs entangled.

The next morning, Yuuri’s eyes opened.   Something’s different.  Looking down in his arms, he smiled at the silver haired man snuggled into his them.  He hugged the other man close to his heart, murmuring in Japanese, "I love you, Vitya."

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Don’t You Worry Child

Within a few days, Yuuri woke up to social media tags and posted pictures showing Victor and him together in Hasetsu.   Fuck !  He turned to Victor sleeping quietly on his pillow.  Another nightmare brought him to Yuuri’s side the previous night.  He never minded Victor’s presence but he hated the pain that brought him there.  He decided to let Victor sleep a few more minutes while he showered.

Returning to Victor’s side, he gently roused the other man from his sleep.  Victor shifted, his hand going to his forehead, palm up, but still not waking.  Yuuri found himself studying the other man tenderly.   God, I want to kiss you.  He pulled himself together and gently shook the man once more, watching those silver lashes flutter open sleepily.  “Good morning,” he whispered.

Victor smiled.  “Good morning,” he responded sleepily, reaching a hand out to touch Yuuri’s cheek.  Yuuri’s breath caught even as his hand went up to cover Victor’s, turning into that touch.  He decided to wait until Victor was fully awake to tell him the news.

Victor shoved back the blankets and slid out of bed.  “See you at breakfast,” Yuuri stated as he watched the other man stretch.  He received a mumbled response and smiled to himself.  Victor could be sunshine in the morning but he wasn’t always bright eyed and clear headed.

Victor joined Yuuri fifteen minutes later pulling his hair through an elastic band as he found a seat next to Yuuri.  Their standard breakfast awaited him.  Yuuri let him eat in peace knowing it would take Victor a few more minutes to become conversant.  Scrolling through social media, he thought about damage control.  They knew this would happen.  Both Phichit and he had watched for the posts but it was an impossible task to look at everything.  With the article and resulting press release pulling their names to the forefront it put the spotlight on them.

Finally, Victor slipped from his stool and washed his dish.  Turning to Yuuri, he raised an eyebrow.  “Ready?”

Yuuri nodded.  “Do you feel up to a jog?”

Victor tilted his head thoughtfully.  “I might need to work up to it.  So…maybe half and half?”

“I’ll let you set the pace,” Yuuri conceded.  Their skates waited for them in the lockers so they packed light, grabbing their lunch and water bottles.

They made it halfway before Victor called for a rest.  They were at the crest of a hill and Yuuri leaned against a rail watching Victor catch his breath.  Victor looked up then knitted his eyebrows together.  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

Yuuri didn’t realize that as he had watched Victor with such an unguarded expression of concern he had betrayed his thoughts on talking about the photos on the internet.  He sighed, drawing his expression in.  “I…need to tell you something.”

Victor seemed uneasy as he moved to sit next to Yuuri.  “Okay.  I’m listening.”

“We were worried about the news articles bringing attention to us.  Well, someone took a picture of the two of us and it hit the internet.  I’m not sure what the fallout will be but…I want you to be aware.  I’ve already sent word to Grandfather and he’s tightening security on the island.”

Victor listened, staring at the ground in front of him, as Yuuri spelled out the situation.  Finally he nodded sharply.  “I guess we will soon find out how good your grandfather’s protection will be.”

“I want the two of us to stay close from this point forward.”

Victor nodded in agreement.

They continued their run to the Ice Castle and the day of practice went smoothly in spite of the bad news.  Victor skated through Eros, his movements demonstrating his growing appreciation  of the depth of emotion Yuuri was seeking for that program.  Yuuri worked on Victor’s step sequences to help him clean and hold the edges.  Finally, after a short break, they worked on King .  Victor felt more involved with this choreography because it was personal to him and he grabbed the interpretation with ease.   He still had to work through the routine systematically, however he could roughly skate the entire program with ease marking his jumps.

They took the most direct route home as a jog.  It was mid-afternoon when Yuuri dragged Victor upstairs for a shower and nap.  Victor settled into Yuuri’s embrace and soon dozed off as Yuuri played with Victor’s hair.  Yuuri’s thoughts were starting to turn in on themselves.  He stared up at the ceiling worrying about what could happen, going through strategies to keep Victor safe, running through a myriad of horrors and unrealistic scenarios as his anxiety spiraled, thinking about repercussions for the rest of the family if he fails, if his grandfather fails.

Victor finally stirred in his arms and looked up at Yuuri in concern.  “You’re tense.  What’s wrong?”

“My brain won’t shut down.  I’m sure I’m making a small problem into a larger one…hazards of anxiety,” he explained.

Victor nodded in acceptance.  “Is there something I can do to help?”

Yuuri considered his offer thoughtfully.  “Would you come with me to the studio and dance?   I often skate or dance through my anxiety.  It helps me…to clear my mind.”

“Of course I’ll join you,” Victor agreed, squeezing Yuuri’s hand.  “It’s better we stay together anyway.”

Yuuri pushed the covers back and pulled Victor along with him.  “Okay…let’s go eat dinner and head to the studio.”

The studio was darkened by the evening rays of sun, long shadows moving across the floor.  Yuuri only added some warm lamplight knowing that as the evening sun faded, the room would become shadowed and intimate.  When Victor raised an eyebrow, he explained, “Reduction of stimuli.  Too much information here,” he raised his head touching his head, “means that I need to shut out information out here.”  He spread his arms wide to indicate everything outside of himself.

Victor listened intently, uncertain how to proceed.  He stepped towards Yuuri and took his hand, intertwining their fingers.  “What do you need from me?”

Yuuri rested his head on the other man’s shoulder, swaying quietly.  “Dance with me.  Your presence comforts me,” he whispered.  Yuuri felt Victor’s free arm slide around his waist while Victor’s other hand still held Yuuri’s.  They moved in the silence allowing the emotion in their thoughts to direct their steps.  Victor’s hand moved up and down Yuuri’s back in a comforting motion as he held the other man.  

At some point, they broke apart and Yuuri moved to the speakers where he connected his phone.  Victor waited, a willing vessel for Yuuri to expend his anxiety and for Yuuri to reach into him to awaken the latent emotions.  The music filtered into the room at this point.  Yuuri’s approach to the other man was shy and uncertain.  Victor waited, his eyes following the brunette.  Then he felt those hands on his shoulders, Yuuri leaning into his space.

Victor soon became lost in Yuuri’s movements.  If he thought Eros was seductive, this was on another level.  It wasn’t sexual energy but much more intense, possessive and desire juxtaposed against the idea of offering himself.  Victor was breathless as he responded to Yuuri’s dance, their bodies creating a conversation their voices weren’t ready to have just yet.  

Not a word had been said since Yuuri’s whispered phrases pulling Victor into the dance.  They didn’t need them.  One song faded into another as Victor answered the questions of Yuuri’s body, allowing himself to be pulled under Yuuri’s spell.

Then…they separated, needing to distance themselves.  They had been brushing against a boundary that neither were ready to cross, but longing was dragging them along like a current.  They stood facing one another, breathless, one step from either of them would pull them together.  Victor…turned away, squeezing his eyes shut, denying the tears that were sliding down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri whispered, reaching his hand out, wanting to touch him but knowing the other needed him to respect the distance.  Dropping his hand, he continued, “I didn’t mean to…push.”

“I know,” Victor murmured.  “I think we both were swept along.  It’s inevitable.  I just…need a little more time, Yuuri.”  He turned to face the other man, his desire evident in his expression, warring against his control.  “I want you,” he admitted, his voice thick.  “I just…don’t want to lose myself in you.”

Yuuri nodded, lifting his hand slightly before dropping it once more.  “I’ve never wanted anyone like this,” he confessed.  “But…I care for you, too.  I don’t want to rush this.  I want to give you the time you need.”

It was Victor that took Yuuri’s hand, sliding his fingers between Yuuri’s.  “I can…do this,” he whispered, stepping closer into Yuuri’s space.  “And this,” he added, leaning forward, brushing his lips over Yuuri’s, tasting the other man’s gasp, feeling the other man rest his free hand lightly on his shoulder, noting the tension in the other man’s body as Yuuri fought against the need to pull him closer, to deepen the kiss.  He appreciated that control.  Stepping back, Victor brushed the back of his fingers down Yuuri’s cheek.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

They ignored their phones the next day.  Notifications about shared pictures of them continued to plague them and they were done with it, feeling braced to accept the consequences…until they arrived at the skating rink.

Reporters crowded the steps.

Victor felt Yuuri tense up next to him, heard his breath hitch, quickening.  Turning towards the other man, he could see panic in Yuuri’s eyes.  However, they had already been spotted.  He considered his options and decided the best route was to get Yuuri through them and into the safety of the rink. “Follow me,” he directed quietly.  “Stay close to me.”

As he approached the step, he felt the onslaught of “Mr. Nikiforov” and “Mr. Katsuki” calls as the reporters begged for their attention.  Victor pushed through them without acknowledgment until he reached the top of the steps, then he turned, and flicked his eyes over the crowd, his expression taking on a charming calm.  “So much excitement!” he teased the reporters.  He could hear Yuuri’s breathing laboring behind him.  He needed to break free of them and get Yuuri inside but he also needed to give them enough to get them to leave.

“Mr. Nikiforov, is it true that you and Mr. Katsuki are in a relationship?”

Victor gave them a smile, calculating his response.  Ignoring the question altogether, he dropped just enough information in redirect.  “I am here visiting my friend and taking advantage of the hot springs as I recover from my injury.”

“Mr. Nikiforov, nothing was released about your injury.  Can you tell us how it occurred?”

Victor forced a laugh.  “We all have bad days on the ice.”

“How were you injured, Mr. Nikiforov?”

“What was the extent of the injury, Mr. Nikiforov?”

Victor shook his head.  “Not important.  I am under a doctor’s care and have been released to continue skating.  That’s really what you want to know, right?  I will be skating in the coming season.”  There was a buzz among the reporters and they started pushing their questions again when Victor raised his hand to cut them off.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, you are cutting into my practice time.  That is all I have to say.”  With that dismissal, he guided Yuuri into the rink.

“We tried to text you and warn you,” Yuuko cried out as she came to their side.  Takeshi guided Yuuri further inside.

“Our phones were going crazy from notifications so we turned them off,” Victor answered.  “It can’t be helped.  Hopefully they received enough blood for the day.”  He turned his eyes towards Yuuri, concerned about his anxiety.  “Yuuri,” he stated firmly.  The other man looked up and Victor could see a thousand thoughts sliding through his eyes.  “We are safe for now.  Let’s go get our skates, okay?  We can skate off that anxiety.”

Yuuri nodded, allowing Victor to continue to take charge.

In the locker room, Yuuri’s hands stilled on his laces, losing himself in his thoughts once more.  Victor placed a grounding hand on his, taking the laces from his fingers while he deftly knotted the first skate then the other.  Finally, Yuuri looked up, his focus returning.  “I’m sorry.  I…am not good with reporters.”

“I remember you always let your coach do most of the talking,” Victor responded quietly.  “And you told me about how they made false, hurtful allegations over your anxiety medication.  I can see where they could trigger you.”  Patting the top of the skate, he guided the foot to the floor and faced Yuuri.  “Yakov has drilled into me how to handle the press.  I knew the story Yakov released and I provided just enough information to support it while not lying.  It will be fine.”

Yuuri chewed his lower lip, uncertain in the face of his own weakness.  “I should be protecting you and I fall apart at the first sign of trouble.”

Victor laughed bitterly.  “I wouldn’t say that was the first sign of trouble, Yuuri.  You’ve been there when I need you.  This…I could handle.”  Reaching out a hand, he brushed his fingers along Yuuri’s jawline.  “You can’t be strong for me all the time,” he murmured.  “I have to take things back eventually.  Let me be strong for you sometimes.”

Yuuri nodded and then gasped as Victor leaned forward to brush another kiss over his lips.  His eyes fluttered closed as Victor slowly deepened the kiss.  Still chaste, but gently exploring the surface even as they explored the surface of this newly forming relationship.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

King

At six weeks the doctor finally cleared Victor for jumps.  Yuuri allowed him to pick the program he wanted to work on and Victor chose, to Yuuri’s lack of surprise, King .  “I need to skate to King ,” he insisted as he tied his skates.

Yuuri laughed indulgently.  “That’s fine.  I want you to work on your jumps, though.  Singles for the run through.  You can practice the jumps individually afterwards.  I’d like you to work up to triples and quads slowly.  We still have plenty of time.”

They skated around the perimeter.  Yuuri could see the excitement humming through Victor with the last of the restrictions removed.  Victor gathered speed, leaned into an inside three turn and tested out a double toe loop.  His smile was contagious.  Yuuri found himself laughing in response.

Victor skated into position and settled into his opening pose.  When Victor met his eyes, Yuuri started the music.  Victor used his movements to personify the loneliness of the preceding years of his life.  Even though he lived with Masha, that loneliness never lifted.  In truth, it was stronger.  Masha isolated him to keep Victor under his control.   But now…with Yuuri, he was now in control.  He was now taking back his life.  He was now reclaiming what was lost.

As the second chorus closed, he transitioned to Yuuri’s presence in his life.  Yuuri offered him a renewed life.  He showed Victor love without condition.  Victor now knew that there were cracks in Yuuri’s armor.  He knew about Yuuri’s anxiety and how it could break him down.  However, he also watched how Yuuri used that to draw strength…not necessarily for himself, but to bestow on others.  Yuuri helped him learn to fight the monsters in his head.  Yuuri showed him how to set aside his faults, how to reclaim the crown.  

His closing stance brought his focus back onto Yuuri.   I’m in love with him.  His breath caught.  It wasn’t the first time he thought this, but now…it was tangible.

Yuuri’s expression reflected back his own.  He felt himself blanketed in Yuuri’s fondness, in his regard.  Victor skated to his side and felt Yuuri’s embrace enfold him.  “That was beautiful, Vitya!”

Victor hugged him back, resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.

That evening, they were stretching along the barre.  “What kind of dance background do you have, Vitya?”

Victor closed his eyes as he stretched allowing the pleasure of his name falling off those lips to sweep over him.  “Mmmm…ballet, of course.  I’ve taken some ballroom dancing as you saw at the banquet.”

“Any jazz or contemporary?”

“The only contemporary dance I’ve studied is contemporary ballet.  Lilia was still married to Yakov when he first took me in and she was a prima ballerina in her youth.  So she has provided the dance instruction over the years to all of us and she preferred ballet to all forms.  What about you?”

Yuuri switched to stretch the other leg.  “My focus has always been ballet.  Minako trained me since I was a rambunctious four-year-old.  At six, she introduced me to ice skating and that’s where I truly fell in love.  However, I studied ballet strictly through my teen years.  Once I left for college, though, I studied many styles including jazz, contemporary, ballroom, and even pole dancing.”

Victor’s eyebrows went up.  “Pole dancing?”

“It usually comes naturally to those who have a strong ballet background.”

“I just can’t picture you…” Victor began then stuttered to a stop because, honestly once Yuuri mentioned it so nonchalantly, the image started burning itself into his mind.  He heard a knowing chuckle next to him.   I…am lost to this man…and I think he knows it.  He flicked his eyes over Yuuri during the stretch that elongated his form.   I hope I’m never found .

Yuuri moved to the floor to continue his stretches.  Victor dropped down before him stretching into a split. “It’s probably good we came here to get in a good stretch.  We should sleep well tonight.”

“Could we…still spend time in the onsen once we return?” Victor asked, a little hope in his voice.   He needed more of Yuuri’s closeness, needing to put off sleep as long as he could.

Yuuri grinned.  “Of course.  Your wish is my command.”  He punctuated his words with a wink.  Victor dropped his chin even as he felt the blush creeping up.

Victor settled in next to Yuuri in the onsen, resting his head on the other man’s shoulder.  “Are you okay, Victor?” Yuuri asked, sensing Victor’s need for closeness.

“The nights haven’t been friendly.  I’m starting to dread sleep…and then I keep interrupting yours.  I try to stay away but…well, I can’t seem to shake the nightmares on my own.”

Yuuri contemplated his words opening his mouth a couple times like he wanted to say something but then closing it, dropping his eyes.

“What is it?” Victor prompted.

Yuuri blushed.  “I just…why don’t you…you could just start in my room,” he finally finished, the blush deepening.

Victor’s lips parted in surprise.  “I…don’t want to invade your space,” he protested.

Yuuri tightened his arm around him.  “I want you in my space, Vitya.  In every way.  But I’ll take what you are willing to give me for now.”

“My sleep…it’s restless,” he whispered, worry wrinkling his brow.

“I know, Vitya.  I know.”

Victor still was undecided when he approached his room after the soak in the onsen, thoughts swirling in his head.   Am I ready for this?  I already go to him in the middle of the night.  I already stay by his side.  Starting out there…is it really any different?  A little…but he wants me there.  Am I ready?  Closing his eyes, he continued to process his thoughts.   He isn’t asking for sex.  He won’t force me into anything.  He won’t force me.  He won’t hurt me.  Yuuri…cares for me.  Not like Masha.  He’s not Masha.  He’s Yuuri and Yuuri is good to me.  He takes care of me.  He protects me.  He watches over me.

Opening his eyes, he pulled out his sleep clothes and dressed with care.  He needed the barrier of clothes between them for this.  It was different in the onsen.  Sleeping, though, is more intimate.  He reached for his pillow and padded down the hall, Makka following on his heels.

Reaching the door, he took a deep breath and then another before tapping lightly.  He heard Yuuri call him into the room.  Opening the door, he stepped inside.  Hovering by the door, he studied Yuuri, propped up on pillows, a book in hand, also dressed fully in pajamas.  Victor took another breath to shake off his anxious thoughts before turning and sliding the door shut.

He took the first step forward, eyes on the floor, as Yuuri watched him thoughtfully, waiting.   Why is this so hard?  I come here every night.  He took another step forward.  Fluttering his gaze up to Yuuri, he could see the tender invitation in his eyes.   I’m safe with Yuuri.  He would never hurt me.   Then his steps gained speed and suddenly he ran into the other man’s arms.

“Oh!” Yuuri started then wrapped Victor into his embrace.  Brushing kisses into his hair.  “It’s okay, Vitya,” he soothed.  “It’s okay.  You’re…home.”  Victor fell apart in Yuuri’s embrace, sobs shaking his body.  “It’s okay,” Yuuri continued to sooth running his hands in circles on Victor’s back as Victor curled into his arms.  “It’s okay.”

Finally, Victor drew himself up, eyes red.   “I-I want to be here.  I-I don’t know why this is hard.”

Yuuri smiled tenderly.  “As long as this is where you want to be.  I wasn’t trying to pressure you.”

“You weren’t,” Victor murmured.  “I think I’m just…overwhelmed.”

“That’s something I understand.  Take your time to adjust, Vitya.  We have plenty of time.”  Yuuri’s closest hand ran up and down Victor’s arm reassuringly.

Victor finally nodded, putting his pillow into place.  He curled on his side facing the opposite direction.  Yuuri reached over and shut off the light, curling around him from behind.  Victor felt himself melt into Yuuri’s embrace.

During the night, Victor grew restless from his nightmares.  Yuuri raised up on his elbow and whispered soothing words in his ear even as he caressed circles into Victor’s skin.  The other man turned towards him, settling under his chin to sleep peacefully once more.   Yuuri brushed a kiss into his hair. “I’ll watch over you, anata ,” he whispered.  “You are no longer lost.  I’ve got you.”

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Lullaby for a Stormy Night

Victor fought against leaving the last dredges of sleep as his phone vibrated next to his head.  Over the last week he had become a permanent resident in Yuuri’s room, enjoying the comforting warmth and presence the Japanese man gave him to willingly.  It still amazed him that Yuuri accepted what Victor was able to give him with no pressure to move beyond his comfort zone.

The phone buzzed again, sounding almost more insistent, demanding his attention.  Victor opened his eyes and glared at the offending object plugged up on his side of the bed.   His side .  Reaching for his phone, Victor rolled over to run his eyes across Yuuri’s sleeping form.  He smiled at the sweet expression, watching as Yuuri wrinkled his nose and fisted his hand next to his face as Victor’s movement brought a brush of his silver hair across that face.  Sighing, he looked at the phone that buzzed yet another time.

Yakov .

Victor’s eyes widened, now fully alert.  His startle must have roused Yuuri because he could feel the other man sit up, reaching from behind him as Victor answered the call.  Victor slipped back into Russian as he addressed his old coach.  “ Allo ?”

“Vitya!  Thank God you’re okay.”

“What’s wrong, Yakov?”

“I arranged for a friend to keep an eye on Mikhail’s movements.  He just reported to me that the man has slipped out of the country.  I don’t think he used his own visa.”

“How long?”

“Several hours ago.  Are you still with Katsuki?”

“Da.  He’s right here.  Hold on while I tell him what is going on.”  Victor muted the phone while he relayed the information to Yuuri.  Yuuri’s eyes widened, quite awake at this point.  Yuuri grabbed his phone and began firing off several encrypted messages.  Victor turned his attention back to his coach and switching to English,  “Yakov, he’s finding out what is happening on this end.  Do we have any idea what name he might be traveling under?”

“нет!  That would be too easy.”

“ Da .  Let me know if you learn something new.  I’m going to find out what Yuuri’s working on.”

“Let me know you are safe.”

“I’ll text you before I go to bed.”

“That will work.  Be careful, Vitya.”

“Of course.”  He disconnected the call and turned to Yuuri, not nearly as calm in person as he conveyed over the phone.  “Yuuri…”

“I know.  I’ve got Phichit looking for an electronic trail.  I’ve alerted our security and Grandfather.”

Victor nodded wrapping his arms around the other man to ground himself in the support and comfort Yuuri offered.  Resting his head under Yuuri’s chin, he felt the other man’s hand soothing him with caresses down his back.  

He didn’t realize he was trembling until Yuuri tightened his arms, whispering reassurances.   Victor took Yuuri’s hand and covered it with his own, bringing the fingers up to his lips and brushing a kiss over them before settling it against his heart.  They remained tangled up in one another, comforting each other in their embraces, as the morning light cast its waking stretches across the room.

They stayed in that day.  Yuuri had his laptop open looking for aliases and any other information that could help them find out Masha’s activities.  Victor spent his nervous energy by pacing around the house restlessly, breaking to occasionally curl up around Yuuri, uncertain.  As hard as Yuuri tried to reassure him Victor found it difficult  to hold onto the sense of safety.

A call came through on a secured line and Victor received his first glance at Phichit since competition.  “Hey, Yuuri.  Victor.  So, about this Mikhail Volkov.  I’m finding a number of shady connections.”

“Yeah, Grandfather said he was involved with the Bratva.  Grandfather sometimes has to pull on some of those connections through certain business dealings of his own.  Volkov isn’t as well connected as he thinks.  That will work in our favor.”

“Or it could make him a loose cannon,” Phichit pointed out. “If he was important he would have to behave himself, as a nobody he can go unnoticed.”

Yuuri felt Victor tightened his hold and watched the silver hair peek over his shoulder to stare at the tiny man on the screen.  He could feel the tremors in Victor through his back and knew the face was wide-eyed and ghostly white. Yuuri glared at Phichit.  “Not helping.”

“Sorry!  I didn’t think.  It will be fine, Victor.”

Victor’s hold on Yuuri remained tight letting Yuuri know Victor believed none of it.  Sighing, he continued his conversation with Phichit.  “I have quite a bit of information if I wanted to dox his ass but I don’t know if it would do any good.  I can tie up what resources he had, but only the ones that I can locate. He’s spread out.  I’m sure there are names that I haven’t uncovered.”

“Same.  Oh…what’s this?”

Yuuri narrowed his eyes in interest.  “What have you found?”

“Victor, what is your middle name?”

“I don’t have a patronymic name because my mother refused to acknowledge my father.”

“There is a Pavlov flying into Tokyo and connecting to Fukuoka.  That can’t be coincidence.”

“Pavlov…his mother was Pavlova before she married his father.  Katerina Pavlova.”

“I have a Georgi Pavlov.”

Victor considered the name for a moment.  “It’s…possible?  But I suppose anything is possible.  Yuuri, how can we be certain?”

Yuuri was tapping away at the keys.  The feed from a security feed appeared on screen in real time..  “This is the gate where he is set to arrive.  Now we just have to wait.” Yuuri shared the feed with Phichit, allowing his partner in international crime to help.

Victor remained draped over Yuuri’s shoulders as he watched the screen for signs of life.  The first plane to disembark was the wrong one.  They waited for the concourse to clear before the next plane arrived.  Victor studied the passengers as they came off the plane.  Somewhere half way through the group of passengers Yuuri felt Victor stiffen.  He pointed at a man walking briskly through a thinning crowd with determined focus.  “Masha.”

With a name, face, and arrival information, Yuuri transferred the data to Grandfather Katsuki and the security team leader in Hasetsu.  “Victor, are you okay?”

“He’s so close,” Victor murmured in a small voice.  Yuuri turned and could see the fear in the other man’s face.

“We haven’t lost this fight, Vitya,” Yuuri encouraged even as he slid his hand over Victor’s arm still wrapped around his shoulders.  “Don’t give up on me now.”

“I won’t, Yuuri.  I’m just…” Victor dropped his head against Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri leaned back into his embrace, grounding him with his presence.  Victor lowered his chin into the crook of his neck.

A clearing of Phichit’s throat from the screen reminded them they weren’t alone.  “It looks like he lands in Fukuoka at 8:30 this morning.”

Yuuri’s phone pinged. Reading it quickly he related, “Grandfather is sending people to meet him and if that fails, the train station will have an increase in security.”

“He might drive,” Victor pointed out.

Yuuri looked up with a small smile.  “There’s a small chance for that, but I had thought about that.  Our detail has been increased.”

“Should we stay home again?” Victor asked.

“Grandfather said to follow our normal routine.  He’s confident in the detail he has assigned to us,” Yuuri answered.

Victor quirked an eyebrow.  “Are they ready to run?”

Yuuri laughed.  “They better be or Grandfather will fire them on the spot.  Shall we get ready?”

Victor nodded, finally releasing Yuuri.  As he moved to the door, he watched Yuuri linger at the computer.  “I’ll see you in a few minutes?”

Yuuri smiled in agreement and nodded.  “I have a couple of phone calls to make then I’ll be out.”

Victor left the room, sliding the door shut behind him and Makka.  Gathering his clothes from the other room, he moved towards the shower glancing at Yuuri’s door as he passed by it.

Yuuri pursed his lips thoughtfully.  Phichit knew his best friend well enough to know something was pressing on his thoughts.  “What’s got you worried?” he pressed.

Yuuri shrugged with one shoulder.  “I can’t put my finger on it.  Something…feels off.”

“Then why not stay in,” Phichit argued.

“I don’t want to involve my family.  The walls here are thin and I’m not sure how this would impact the inn.” He paused and drew in a breath, “No, it’s best to head to the rink.  Even if he drives, we’ll arrive at the rink first.”

“Have you alerted Takeshi?”

“Yes.  Yuuko is keeping the girls at home.  He’s meeting us there.  He’s called for a few of his old hockey teammates to ‘help out with some maintenance at the rink’.”

“Nice.  A few extra hands could be useful in case of trouble.”

“I agree.  I just want to make sure he’s safe, Phichit.”

“I know. He…he means a great deal to you.”

Yuuri nodded wordlessly.

“We’ll do our best to watch out for him.  Don’t worry.  Trust in your team.”

Yuuri released a bitter laugh.  “You are asking me not to worry.  Have you forgotten who I am?”

“I suppose not.  I’ll update Chris.  Let me know you are okay once it’s all over.”

“I will.  Thank you.”

Victor had trouble focusing on the ice and after several failed jumps Yuuri banned him from jumps for the day.  “Focus on step sequences and spins.”  He heard the frustrated response from the other skater in reply but at least Victor listened to him.

The wait was unnerving.  Takeshi had men “working” near every entrance.  They were all shown a picture of the man they were blocking from entry but of course, any European would get their attention.  Within the rink itself approximately a dozen men assigned by Yuuri’s grandfather milled about the entrances on alert.  More men were assigned outside.  They blended in so well that Yuuri had to point them out to Victor who was worried that the security team had not arrived yet.  Unless someone was trained to spot them, and Yuuri hoped that Volkov wasn’t, they would be easily overlooked.

Mikhail was not expecting the security for certain.  He walked right up the steps to the rink and expected to enter much like he had in Russia with little resistance.  However, two men intercepted him before he reached the door.  “Mr. Volkov, I’m afraid you will have to go with us,” they pressed with authority.

Mikhail raised an eyebrow.  “I’m afraid you have the wrong man.”

“No, sir.  We have your photo.  Our orders are to intercept you and take you to Katsuki-sama.  Come.  This way.”  Mikhail made to protest further and then realized that he was surrounded by several more men.  Tightening his lips, he nodded stiffly, following them to the waiting car.

Yuuri was signaled to the side of the rink by one of the guards who spoke to him in Japanese.   “Katsuki-san, we just received report that the mark has been apprehended and is being taken to your grandfather as we speak.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri responded.   “I’ll share the news with my skater.”  Skating across the rink, he reached for Victor who skating distracted lazy circles.  Grabbing hold of his hands, Yuuri swung them around in a circle before settling in front of him.  “He’s been apprehended.  They will take him to Grandfather.”

Victor breathed a sigh of relief even as he pulled Yuuri into his space, resting his forehead on the other man’s shoulder.  Yuuri felt the tremble in Victor’s arms, as if the other man finally released the control he had been using to barely hold himself together.  “I…believed that it would be okay.  But a part of me…was still scared.”

“I know, Vitya,” Yuuri soothed, his hand sliding up and down the other skater’s arm.

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri and the older man held onto him, supporting him.  “I think…what scares me the most isn’t what he’ll do to me,” he confessed after a moment.  “I am scared about that…but I’m more scared of being…taken away from you.”

Yuuri’s breath hitched even as Victor pulled up.  Yuuri’s hands slid behind his neck and into his hair.  “ Anata ,” he whispered softly.  “You mean too much for me.  He would not get you without a fight.”

Victor’s lips parted recognizing the intimate word he heard Yuuri’s parents express towards one another as the evening grew late, and the dam of tears broke even as he lowered his head to capture Yuuri’s lips in his own.  Tightening his arms, he deepened the kiss wanting more of Yuuri.  “I…I love you, Yuuri.”

“I love you, Vitya,” Yuuri returned tenderly.  “I never want to let you go.”

Mikhail was brought before the elderly man.  The younger man quickly assessed that it would not be in his best interests to underestimate the other.  The senior Japanese man’s posture spoke of power.  And if that didn’t hadn’t communicated Volkov’s position to himself clearly enough then the men that escorted him and the ones he spotted along the journey screamed it.  Katsuki Takehiko made it quite clear that Volkov's sphere of influence paled in comparison to his.

“Sit down, Volkov-san.” The older man indicated a pillow across from him.  Saki was placed before him.  “Have a drink.”

Mikhail didn’t dare turn it down.  Instead, he watched the Japanese man and followed his cues.

“Why are you here in my territory, Volkov-san?  Your family and I do not hold business together.”

“It’s personal, sir,” he responded, working hard to keep his voice respectful.

“Your personal business appears to affect my family.”

“I am here to speak with my fiancé.  He left without a word.”

“Perhaps…your fiancé is having second thoughts about the engagement.”

“Maybe but I haven’t seen him since he left.  Nor have I heard from him.  I just need to speak with him.”

“I’m afraid I cannot accommodate that request, Volkov-san.  Your fiancé has indicated to me that he has no wish to interact with you.  I would surmise that your answer is that the engagement is over.”

“If I could just speak with him, sir,” Volkov pushed.

The old man pursed his lips.  “That will not be an option.  I suggest that you leave Japan and avoid setting foot here again.  Your passport will be turned over to the consulate and as you entered this nation illegally using false identification, you will be deported.”

“Fine!” he answered, a note of irritation entering his voice.

“If you plan to approach them in their travels, I advise against it.  My arm stretches further than the borders of this nation, Volkov-san.  If you come near my family, Nikiforov-san included, you will be dealt a swift justice.  Am I clear?”

“Yes, sir.”  The younger man waited until he was dismissed.

Katsuki waved the men forward.  “Deal with him as arranged,” he ordered.  Volkov was escorted from his presence.

Victor struggled to relax as the evening progressed.  Too much had taken place.  The stress of the day teemed under the surface of Victor’s skin.  Yuuri held Victor as he soothed him with his touch, lightly running his fingers up and down his arms and back.  “It’s over.  He was personally escorted to the consulate and is being deported.”

“What if he…” Victor began.

Yuuri whispered for him, “Shhhh, don’t let your mind go there, Vitya.”

Victor, shaking, clung to him.  This day had been as frightening as the day he left.  However, this time he wasn’t alone.  Yuuri held onto him and never left his side, pulling on every resource the man had available.

“Come with me, Vitya,” Yuuri stated suddenly.  He led Victor over to a chair that sat before a mirror.  Victor had noticed it before and he could see the cosmetics for performances laid out along with a few hair accessories and brushes.  “For the Japanese, allowing someone to brush their hair is very intimate.  Will you…allow me?”

Victor nodded wordlessly.

Yuuri picked up the comb and started working the tangles that began forming on the end first.  He then moved the comb up sliding it down the whole length until it was smooth.  Victor watched his motions fascinated.  Trading the comb out, he picked up the brush and continued to brush Victor’s hair until it fell into a river of silver.  Victor felt…treasured.  “Your hair is so beautiful, Vitya,” he murmured.  “May I braid it?”

“Yes, please,” Victor answered mesmerized by Yuuri’s attention.

Yuuri began at the top, pulling a few pieces into three ropes.  After braiding them each together once, he began picking up more strands as he brought the braid down the center of Victor’s head.  Reaching the last of the extra pieces, he continued with a standard braid until he secured it with a hair tie.   Once finished, he placed his hands on Victor’s shoulder and watched him through the mirror.

“May I see it?” Victor asked, his voice a hushed whisper.

Yuuri nodded, handing him a mirror.  Victor turned around and looked at the precise braid that adorned his head.  “Yuuri, how did you learn this?”

Yuuri chuckled quietly.  “Yuuko would have me braid her hair before competition.  She said I was a natural at it.”

Victor lifted his hand and ran it over the braid, tactilely exploring the nuances of the turns and twists.  “Thank you,” he whispered.  He laid the mirror down on the table then lifted his eyes to Yuuri’s.  “For everything.”  Standing before Yuuri, he pulled the other man into his arms and lowered his lips.  As the kiss broke, he whispered, “I’ve never felt more loved than I have since I come to your side, Yuuri.  I didn’t…expect it coming here.  I just wanted a safe place.  I dared not hope…for more.”

“I want to be more than your safe place, Vitya.  I want to be your home,” Yuuri murmured in reply.

Victor tightened his embrace and brushed his lips over Yuuri’s once more.  “Careful,” he teased in whispers.  “I might think that is a marriage proposal.”

Yuuri’s smile was soft in reply, holding the other man close.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Between the Raindrops

Yuuri rolled over and brushed a kiss over Victor’s lips.  Moaning softly, Victor’s eyes fluttered open as he pulled Yuuri closer, demanding the kiss deepen.  When the kiss finally broke Yuuri pulled back and looked into his lover’s eyes with a tender expression.  “Good morning, anata .”

Victor looked up with a delicate blush on his cheeks and a smile teasing his lips.  “ Lyubov moya ,” he answered, the words teasing his lips like an old friend.  “I don’t…think I’ve ever called anyone that.”

“What does it mean?”

“My love…I’ve never felt so warm and content.  I wish…you found me first.”  He sighed, a tinge of regret tensing his body.

Yuuri dipped down and brushed his lips over Victor’s then rested his forehead against the other’s.  “I am yours,” he confirmed.  “I wish…I had had the courage to reach out to you when you first caught my eye.  I never imagined the hell you experienced due to my hesitation.”

“It’s not…” Victor drew a deep breath to settle the sob working up his throat.  “It’s not your fault.  I guess…it’s not mine either.  I was…lonely.  I wanted family.”

“I want to be your family, Vitya.  My family has already adopted you.”

Victor smiled even as a tear escaped the corner of his eye.  “I know,” he answered, his lip quivering.  “I feel so…grateful.  No one judged me; they just accepted me.”

“I’m glad you feel welcome.  I’ve brought friends to my home in the past but I think everyone sensed that this was different.” Yuuri tightened his jaw as he pushed forward, “this is completely different territory for me, Vitya.  I don’t know if you realize it.”

Victor studied him thoughtfully.  “You haven’t been in a relationship before?”

Yuuri shook his head.  “It’s hard for me to let someone get that close.”

Victor’s lips parted in surprise as his eyes took on a glassy tenderness, another tear slipping down his cheek.  “I-I don’t know what to say.”

“I want you as my family, too.  I want you to stay close to me.  I never want to let you go.”

Victor’s breath hitched and he had to swallow hard to keep the sob he been holding back from breaking loose.

“Yuuuuu-riii,” he drawled, his voice breaking in the middle even as another tear escaped.  His arm tightened around Yuuri as he rolled them over, leaning down to capture the brunette’s lips.  The kiss deepened as their eyes closed.  Yuuri tightened his arms around Victor, holding onto him wanting something he couldn’t quite put words to, the language unknown to him.

Victor broke the kiss, pulling back.  Yuuri could see Victor’s pupils blown out, his own desire pressing against the pajama pants.  Victor lifted out of his arms, blush teasing his cheeks.  “I think…I’m in limbo.  Caught between wanting you…and not quite ready.  A little longer please?”

Yuuri smiled indulgently, reaching out to touch Victor’s cheek.  “I’m not in a hurry, Vitya.  Take all the time you need.  I prefer to savor you.  Every wall you take down is like another gift.”

“Thank you,” he whispered.  “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Yuuri ran into the kitchen and snagged an apple, kissing his mother as she washed the dishes.  “Yuuri, where are you going?” his mother demanded.

“I have to meet with Grandfather,” he answered in a rush before taking a bite of the apple.  “Victor isn’t feeling up to going out today.  Do you mind keeping an eye on him?”

“Of course not.  Vicchan should feel at home here.”

“He does, truly, Okaasan .   So much happened yesterday that unsettled him.”

“That bad man did not get to him.  Your grandfather kept him safe for you.  It will be fine.”

“You knew.”

“Of course I knew.  Both your father and I knew.  This man…he’s the one that hurt Vicchan?  He’s the one that caused Vicchan to come to you?”

“Yes, Mama.  That man…he hurt both Victor’s body and his spirit.”

His mother nodded thoughtfully.  “It takes the spirit longer to heal.  You love him and that will help.”

“I-I do love him, Mama.” Yuuri blushed deeply and lowered his gaze.  He felt his mother’s warm hand on his cheek and looked into her eyes.

“You say that like it’s a confession…as if we didn’t already know.”  She chuckled, “ we knew this the day he arrived.  We could see how you looked at him.  It is very different from how you looked at Hikaru or Chris.”

“He deserves to be loved, to be cherished.  I will take care of him.”

“I know you will, my son.  He is in good hands.  He is held in a good heart.  It is good that he came here.”

Victor came down the stairs a short time later.  Hiroko looked up and smiled a greeting.  “Come, Vicchan, you can help me cook today.”

“Oh, okay, Mama,” he answered slightly bewildered.

She chuckled in response.  “Today I make katsudon.  I show you how so that you can make it for Yuuri sometime.  It is his favorite.”

“I would like that,” he answered following her into the kitchen.

She hummed as she started gathering the ingredients together, telling him about each item.

“I might have to practice a few times before I can even attempt this on my own,” Victor commented a little overwhelmed.

“Then we’ll practice,” she answered.  “You make my son happy.  So I show you our family recipe.”

Victor smiled in the warmth of her acceptance.  “I’m honored.  Thank you.”

Yuuri walked into his grandfather’s home, the walls wrapping around a courtyard that held a well-kept garden.  Yuuri wandered through the garden before approaching the open doors that led into a genkan.  Removing his shoes, he stepped into the living space and bowed before his grandfather.

“Yuuri-san, please join me for tea.”  His grandfather was seated on a pillow next to a low-lying table, his posture relaxed, his dress traditional.

“Arigato, Sofu.”

“Please, let’s be informal.  Tell me about your friend.”

Yuuri took a deep breath as he took the seat offered by his grandfather.  “He is better this morning.  Mikhail’s appearance scared Victor significantly.”

“I’ve discouraged him from returning to Japan and made it clear that he would not wish to approach either of you when you travel abroad.   However, I do not believe he will heed the suggestion.  Therefore, I will make sure I have six men traveling with you.”

“That is a great expense, Sofu.”

“It is my choice how I choose to attend to my finances.  I choose to protect my grandson and his…friend.”

Yuuri smiled softly.  “Perhaps…he is more than a friend.”

“I suspected as much.  Do not marry this man…”  He paused until Yuuri looked up to meet his eyes.  “Without my presence.  I want to see you happy, Yuuri-san.”

Yuuri blushed and smiled.  “I am happy.  And I wouldn’t dream of that day without you in it.”

“Very good.  I look forward to getting to know Victor-san better.  Next time bring him with you.”

“Of course, Sofu.”

Yuuri entered the kitchen and found Victor and his mother laughing as they prepared a meal.  He leaned against the doorpost enjoying the simple happiness of both his mother and the man he loved before eventually calling out “hello.”  They both looked up and smiled his direction and he would have been hard pressed to decide which one bestowed the most love his direction.

“Yuuuriii!” Victor answered.  “Mama is showing me how to make katsudon!”

Yuuri chuckled.  “That’s a rare treat.  She only does this for family.”

His mother popped a towel his direction.  “You!  Go!  Help your father!”

Laughing, he danced out of her reach.  “Yes, mama.  Whatever you say.”  With a wink, he disappeared back through the door.  He found his father in the garden.

“Yuuri, here are some clippers.”

Yuuri began clipping the extra growth on the bushes.  “How are you today, Otasan?”

“I’m good as long as my house is peaceful.” The man’s face was obscured by the bush he was pruning, and Yuuri worried that he was upset.

“I’m sorry, Papa,” he whispered.

Toshiya shook his head and stopped his work to face his son.  “No.  If someone threatens a member of this family, we must be protect them.  You did the right thing and kept Vicchan safe.  Now peace has been restored.”

“Papa, I want to marry him.”

Toshiya reached his hand out and covered his son’s.  “Of course you do.  He’s a good boy.  He will make you happy.”

“If I can keep him safe…”  Yuuri furrowed his brow as a hidden fear came to surface.  He looked up to meet his father’s eyes.  “I have to keep him safe,” he whispered.

“If anyone can keep him safe, you can Yuuchan.”  He patted his son’s hand encouragingly.  “And my father will help.  I may not agree with how he makes his money but he loves his family.  He has never withdrawn his love from those who didn’t follow in his footsteps.”

“No, he has not.  Papa?  Is there a path somewhere in the middle?”

“Most walk somewhere in the middle.  And my father isn’t a bad man.  He holds onto an empire and sometimes has to cross lines.  However, he doesn’t deal in some of the darker paths.  He doesn’t barter in sex or drugs.  He avoids slavery.  These are more dishonorable and he refuses to sully his hands with such things.  I just choose a peaceful life free of the decisions important men, like him, must make.  I wanted the same for you.”

“I know, papa.  But…I think sometimes we must make decisions and use the resources we have to protect those who can’t protect themselves, regardless of where those resources come from.”

“You’ve always tried to protect others.  I remember when you brought that puppy home.  It had been abused and you couldn’t help but feel for it.  Then there was a little girl who was lost. You saw how scared she was and brought her to your mother and I. We helped find her mother.  One lost child after another.  I know…you don’t always use honorable methods, but you still choose an honorable path.”

“I try to, Papa.  Sometimes I worry that I go too far.”

“It is a risk you take for those you care about.  However, it is a risk we all must take if we dare to concern ourselves with others.  We may choose a different path, Yuuchan, but we both will risk to take care of those we love.  I will never fault you for that.”

Victor placed the dish before Yuuri, his eyes lit up with anticipation.  Yuuri took the chopsticks and teased Victor with a wink as the other man sat across from him.  “Did you enjoy your day off?”

“Yes.  I would have preferred to spend it with you but I had fun with your mother.  She dances while she cooks as well.”

Yuuri laughed.  “I come by it naturally.”  He gathered his bite together and dropped it on his tongue closing his eyes to savor the flavors.  “Very well done, Vitya.”

Victor beamed.  “Thank you!  I had quite a bit of help but Mama said she will show me several more times so I can learn it.”

“I am your willing guinea pig should you need a taste tester,” Yuuri volunteered.

“I’ll remember that.  I can cook several Russian dishes and some other things as well.  But I think…I’d like to help your mother and learn more Japanese cooking.”

“I’m glad to hear you are gaining interests outside of skating.  It’s a good sign that you are improving and growing more independent.”

“I feel…stronger, more hopeful.  And…with you, I am happy.”

“You make me happy, too,” Yuuri stated.  Looking around, though, he frowned.  “Have you seen Mari-neesan today?”

Victor shook his head.  “She’s been off to herself.  Is she okay?  I know she injured her hand.”

“I’m wondering about that as well.  Minako didn’t talk much about it when she brought her home but it’s not like Mari to hide like this.”

Victor shivered.  “I hope nobody intentionally hurt her.”

“If they did I’d hate to be in that guy’s shoes. She’ll kick his ass.  I don’t think…she’s dating anyone, however,” he said thoughtfully.

Victor curled up on the couch in Yuuri’s room as he dialed the number to talk to Yakov.  The phone in his hand was new, encrypted and provided by Yuuri’s grandfather.  He spent the last hour transferring all pertinent information from the burn phone before Yuuri took it and destroyed it.  “It is just safer if you are encrypted,” Yuuri insisted.  “You don’t have to switch phones but I’d feel better if you did.  Grandfather provides my phone as well.”

“Can I still call Russia?” Victor asked, a bit of apprehension tensed his shoulders.

Yuuri placed a reassuring hand over his.  “Yes.  You are not cut off.  Put in any information you need.  It just keeps others from using that call to track you down.”

So he spent the evening putting his new phone in order and texted Yakov with his new number.  Now, he waited for Yakov to pick up on the call.  As the old coach answered, Victor greeted him.  “Yakov?  It’s me, Victor.”

“Vitya, are you okay?”

“Yes, Yakov.  Yuuri’s grandfather wanted me to change phones.  He worried that the other one was not safe.”

“Of course.  I see.  Did he…did Mikhail show up?”

“Y-yes.  I didn’t see him.  They caught him before he got to me.  But…he was so close, Yakov.  Right outside the rink while I skated with Yuuri.”

“As long as you’re safe.”

“They handed him over to the consulate to be deported.”

“Vitya,” Yakov took a breath to ease into a difficult question, “will you be competing?”

“Yes…Yuuri and I have been working on my programs, Yakov.”

“Good, Vitya.  Keep fighting.  They have you skating in the Cup of China and the Rostelcom Cup.  You will be coming to Russia, Vitya.”

“Russia,” he deadpanned.  A knot began forming in his gut.

“Yes,” Yakov confirmed.  “I want you close to the family, Vitya.  We can protect you better if we are all looking out for you.  When you arrange to come to Russia, I want to coordinate it with you and Katsuki.  Do you understand?”

Victor nodded wordlessly at first then realized Yakov couldn’t see him.  “Of course.  I’ll tell Yuuri.”  He felt ill.  “Yakov, I must go now.  Can I call you later?  I know it’s early morning for you.”

“We’ll talk in a few days.”  Yakov was quiet for a moment before adding.  “Vitya, I know you are scared.  We will work together to keep you safe.  You have to trust us.  You can’t let him win.”

“Of course, Yakov.  I have to go now.  Good bye, Yakov.”  Victor lowered the phone as he stared at the opposite wall, eyes wide with fear.   How is Yuuri going to keep me safe in Russia?

Yuuri found Victor in a state of shock after his call.  Gently holding him and speaking softly, Yuuri was finally able get  out of Victor what he had learned.  “I think coordinating with Yakov is a great plan,” he reassured Victor.  “It will be fine.  Don’t worry.”

Victor looked up at him.  “I-I’m more than worried.  I’m terrified, Yuuri.”

Yuuri wrapped his arms tighter around Victor.  “I’ve got you, Vitya.  But we can’t hide forever.  You know this.”

Victor nodded, wrapping his arms around himself even as he felt the protective embrace of his lover.  “I don’t know how to let go of this fear, Yuuri.”

Yuuri brushed a kiss over his cheek, his chin, nose, lips.  Victor cried as Yuuri continued to love him.  He wept in the other man’s arms, trembling as he released what he could in the safety of Yuuri’s love.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, Yuuri,” he murmured over and over between sobs.  “I know I can trust you but I can’t help but be afraid.”

“Vitya, love, it’s alright to be afraid.  I never asked you not to be.  I only ask that you lean on me as needed.  I am here for you.  Let me love you.   Let me care for you.”

Victor broke, the rest of his restraint buckling as he dropped into Yuuri’s embrace.  Yuuri guided him over to the bed where he wrapped him up lovingly.  He held onto the other man until his trembling stilled and his tears quieted, fingers carding through silver hair, soothing whispers fluttering over his skin, lips brushing against his forehead.  Victor rested with his ear against Yuuri’s heart, letting the rhythmic beat of the heart to continue to calm him.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Mad World

TRIGGER WARNING:  Homophobic talks.

Yuuri found his sister cleaning the baths struggling with the brushes as she favored her uninjured wrist.  “Here, Mari-neesan.  Let me do that.”  Yuuri took the scrub brush from her hand and took over the chore.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” she deadpanned.

Yuuri nodded as he continued to scrub.  “Do I need to talk to Minako?” he pressed, his voice quiet but firm.

“Yuuchan, please.  Just let it go.” Mari glared into the emptied pool, avoiding Yuuri’s gaze.

“That implies there is something to let go.  Talk to me, oneesan.”

She sighed, drawing her knees up.  “They were calling you gay, Yuuri.”

“If you haven’t notice, I am gay, Mari-neesan,” he responded gently.

She let out a frustrated sigh at her brother’s willful aversion to the insult, “They said it…in a derogatory manner.”

Yuuri tilted his head to one side and sighed tenderly.  “Mari-neesan.  I’m long past the age where you need to fight my battles.”

“Yuuri, I couldn’t just stand by and let them say those things.”

“So you broke your wrist,” he stated flatly.

“It’s more of a sprain,” she stated, her voice plaintive.  “One of the guys grabbed my wrist and it…popped.”

“Mari-neesan,” Yuuri admonished quietly.  He hugged her close.  “Please.  Don’t fight these battles for me.  I am a gay man and I know the risks.”

“I hate this.  You shouldn’t be subjected to ignorant hate.”

“In some places it is worse,” he stated quietly.

“As in Russia,” Mari quickly pointed out.  “Promise me you won’t move there with him, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s jaw tightened.  “I-I don’t know where we will live.  We haven’t talked about the future.  We are still dealing with the present.”

“I know,” she stated, irritation threading her voice.  “I just worry about my little brother.”

“I am your little brother, Mari-neesan,” he began, tightening his lips, but leaving his voice still soft.  “But I’ve been a grown man for some time now.  Trust that I can take care of myself.”

Mari nodded, her expression not happy.  “I know you are a grown man, Yuuchan.  I know you’ve moved away from here before.  Detroit.  So far away.  And even the United States isn’t overly friendly towards gays.”

“It’s a small battle...and fighting it doesn’t change their mind, Mari.  You can’t fight all of them.  Sometimes the best course is to not engage until your hand is forced.  That’s all I’m asking.  I don’t want you hurt because of some bigot’s out of line words.”

She lowered her head, blinking back the emotion that threatened to spill out.  Tears weren’t her way.  Finally, she got herself in line.  Looking back up, she held his eyes, strong and steady.  “I will listen to you but if they make a move, I won’t stand back.  It’s not how I handle things.”

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “It is strange how much we are both like Sofu in different ways.”  His sister returned his smile.  She moved to take the brush but Yuuri shook his head.  “Let me finish this for you.  If you see Vitya, send him to me.  He’ll help.”

Yuuri watched his sister disappear through the showering room, with a sigh he pulled out his phone. There was one person who would settle this problem permanently.

Ten minutes later and the silver haired man came into the baths.  He spotted Yuuri and automatically went to pick up another brush to help clean.   “How is Mari?”

“She’s fine.  She…felt the need to defend me.”

“How? Why?”

“Because I’m gay.  Sometimes that’s all it takes.”

Victor stilled.  Yuuri looked in his direction and smiled reassuringly.  “It’s just words, Vitya.”

“But Mari was hurt. Words didn’t do that.”

“Yes.  I called Minako after she left and the incident was already reported to Grandfather.  I’m sure they had some corrective action.”

Victor scrubbed, staring at his hand, silently forming thoughts.  “Yuuri…in Russia, I tried…to become hetero.   I couldn’t stay with the few girls and the relationships would quickly stale.  I had no true interest in women beyond friendship.  When Mikhail came into my life, I…hated myself.  I was the thing people despised.  Not Yakov…or the other skaters.  But…I knew we had to be careful in Russia, it’s dangerous for...us.  That’s what made it so easy for Mikhail to get to me.  At first he…made me feel safe.  I found my self-worth through being wrapped up around him.  I was already broken before he moved into my life.”

“Your worth is not dependent on another, Vitya.  You are priceless.  I see this, I wish you did as well.”

“Thank you, Yuuri.  But sometimes…it’s easier to believe the worst in ourselves.  I…had no father.  I was told the lack of father was what made me have a wicked predisposition towards homosexuality .  That was the schoolmasters.  Yakov found out and took me out of regular school.  Of course, he shielded me from that, telling me that I needed more flexibility in my lessons.”

“How old were you when you realized you were gay?”

“I think…I started realizing it before my mother died but it was such a confusing time that I buried it.  It surfaced again around sixteen.  There was another boy, Ivan.  We were found together on school grounds.  I was the younger one…they sent him away.  I know he took the blame.”

“I wasn’t interested in sex but I realized I was interested in men more than women,” Yuuri murmured.  “I started talking with Hikaru and we…kissed.  That’s all.  It was enough for me to know…and him.  But something was missing.  We played with the idea of dating but it never happened.  Then his family found out.  They disowned him.  I couldn’t leave him in the streets so I brought him home although we had already split up.”

Victor considered those words.  “I think…I was Ivan’s Hikaru.  He took care of me although we couldn’t be together.  He took the blame.  I…hate that Mikhail got to me.  Then again, he made me accept that I was gay.”  Victor frowned as he looked towards Yuuri.  “He moved things fast, he was pushy right from the start. Not just sex, but insisting that I move in with him after only a few months. He didn’t start hurting me until around six months after we started dating.  It started as minor things.  He called it rough sex .  Then…it steadily got worse.  He had hurt me before, but the first time he hurt me in anger, I had lived with him only a year.  I…covered for him when Yakov asked me about the black eye.  After that, he kept things…under my clothes.”

Yuuri’s eyes studied him quietly, sadness for his lover’s pain.  “He has a skewed view of a submissive/dominant relationship.  I’m so sorry you were subjected to this, Vitya,” he added, reaching his hand out to slide it up Victor’s arm.

“I…didn’t have a choice.  I was forced to submit.  I don’t know, Yuuri.  I’m so confused about what is normal.”

“Normal…is subjective.  But it should be something both parties are comfortable with, something they both agree to be a part of.”

Victor stood before the gathering of reporters.  The announcement of the line up for the coming Grand Prix had prompted the press to come forward once more.  Victor took advantage of the Russian presence among the reporters to make his announcement of his theme.

“It seems for a long time that I let go of so much of myself.  This season my theme is Reclaim !  I will reclaim all that has been lost to me over the last few years.”  He felt Yuuri’s arm around him, reassuring and strong.  The other man was having a good day, his anxiety quiet.

“Mr. Nikiforov, many of us have the same question.  What is your relationship with Mr. Katsuki?”

They had anticipated questions about their relationship, even discussing how they would approach the press.  Now the moment was before them and Victor hesitated, studying the man next to him, spying the fondness within the brown eyes peering up towards him.  Yuuri left it Victor’s decision as to when and if they came out as a couple.  For now, Victor turned back to the press, a coy smile playing at his lips.  “Yuuri has helped me choreograph my programs this season and perfect some of my weaker skills.  In essence, he is standing in as my coach.  He will be traveling with me as I compete.”

Another reporter surged forward.  “Have you broken your relationship with Coach Feltsman?”

Victor was surprised at this question, shaking his head.  “No.  I’m still affiliated with Yakov.”

“Then we are confused,” another reporter interjected.  “Is Katsuki your coach or Feltsman?”

Yuuri stepped forward on this question.   “I am working in conjunction with Coach Feltsman while Victor is in Japan.  Since I have been so involved in the development of his programs, it was decided that I would travel with him during competition.”

“Mr. Katsuki, will you return to competition or are you retiring?”

Yuuri pursed his lips.  “I have not announced my retirement yet.”

“Mr. Katsuki, is it true that you and Mr. Nikiforov are in a personal relationship?”

Yuuri sighed.   It always came back to this.  “I believe that we’ve already stated clearly that we are friends.  So, yes.  Friendship is a personal relationship.”  Yuuri glanced towards Victor before adding, “Now, it’s time for my skater to return to the ice.  Good afternoon.”  With that dismissal, Yuuri turned as he guided Victor inside.

Victor settled into Yuuri’s arms as they enjoyed the relaxing heat of the hot springs.  After the press conference, Yuuri had pushed Victor through both programs and picked them each apart.  Victor spent the rest of the afternoon working on individual components.  Now, he lay back in Yuuri’s embrace as he allowed the soreness in his muscles to unknot.

Victor studied the steam rising off the surface of the pool in front of them.  “Yuuri?”

“Hmmm?” Yuuri hummed.

Victor turned in his embrace and brushed a kiss over the older man’s lips.  Yuuri opened his eyes and smiled.  “Mari will lecture us,” Yuuri warned teasingly.

“About what?” he asked with wide-eyed innocence.

“About the no sex in the onsen rule.  It’s a dreadful mess to clean up.”

Victor’s mouth fell open before he sputtered his protests.  “But we haven’t…not yet.”

Yuuri’s arms tightened around Victor, pulling him into a tighter embrace.  He teasingly brushed his lips over Victor’s, lightly dipping his tongue over the other man’s lips before parting them.  Victor moaned softly into the kiss even as his body started responding to the other man’s touch.

Victor’s eyes widened suddenly as he pushed back.  “N-no.”  He stood up and turned towards the door.

Yuuri watched him flee from his presence.  Two emotions warred with Yuuri.  One was regret, worried that he had spoiled something between them.  The other was relief.  Victor stood up to him.  He was ready to fight.  He didn’t know how this would translate into his bed.  However, Victor was gaining a greater sense of self as each day passed by.

I love you, Vitya, and if you need to fight me, so be it.  I won’t force you.  I want you to know yourself.  So much was taken from you.  It’s time for you to take back.  

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  FYI...this playlist needs to be refreshed as songs are out of order.  I'll try to get to that soon.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Yuuri walked down the hall towards his room.  He didn’t expect to find Victor there but was still disappointed to be right.   Looking towards the end of the hall, he could see the closed door to his childhood room.  He hesitantly approached that door.  Touching the door lightly, he leaned his head against the door whispering, “I’m sorry.”  He wouldn’t intrude on the other man’s solitude.  He had to trust that he’d return to him when he was ready.

Returning to his room, he buried himself into his pillow allowing his own sadness, his own regret, his own anxious thoughts to settle around him.  He worried himself to sleep as his tears fell silently.

As the night deepened its embrace, Yuuri stirred as the mattress gave.  He fluttered his eyes open to see Victor bending over him, brushing his lips over Yuuri’s.  There was no hesitance in him as he deepened the kiss, his tongue urging Yuuri’s to open to him.  Yuuri slipped a hand up, sliding it up Victor’s side, tangling in Victor’s hair that still hung loose.  “Vitya,” he moaned as he felt the other man’s fingers slide over Yuuri’s bare torso.

“I can do this,” Victor whispered, his hand brushing over Yuuri’s semi-hard length through his boxers.

Yuuri held his eyes for a moment before stating, “Only if this is what you want.”

“I want…all of you,” Victor confessed breathlessly.  “I can’t, though.  Not yet.  Let me edge out my limits.  Let me blur these borders.”

Yuuri nodded wordlessly.  This man could do anything he wanted to Yuuri and he’d find the Japanese man would be his willing canvas.  He felt Victor’s hand reach down once more, fingers exploring him through the fabric.  Yuuri’s mouth opened as he watched the other man’s movements.

Victor looked up to catch his eyes watching him.  “Touch me,” he commanded in a whisper.

A switch flipped in Yuuri.  He reached for the other man, pulling him into a demanding kiss, feeling the other respond with equal hunger.  Yuuri turned them in the bed, laying Victor out before him.  The other man watched him breathlessly.  Yuuri kissed Victor, using his lips and tongue to express his want, his need, but mostly his love and reverence for this man.  His fingers touched Victor’s face lightly, his expression caressed him softly.  Victor swallowed, his breathing deepening as he lost himself in Yuuri’s attention.

Yuuri kissed the other man’s chin, trailing kisses back towards his ear.  Victor turned to give Yuuri greater access.  Yuuri could smell the scent Victor wore as he nibbled at Victor’s ear, a scent that made him think of chai tea with strong hints of cardamom.  Victor moaned softly as Yuuri began to move his kisses, teasing with just a hint of teeth down the side of Victor’s neck.

What am I doing?  What if I fuck up?  Those thoughts tried to intrude but the man lying beneath him responded openly to every touch, every kiss.  He shoved those thoughts down down as  they tried to surface, refusing to allow anxiety to steal this moment from him.  He allowed instinct to guide him, watching Victor for any cues of discomfort.

Moving down Victor’s body, his kisses languidly explored Victor’s pulse point before dipping lower, tracing Victor’s clavicle with his tongue.  Victor’s breath caught at that movement, his fingers sliding up Yuuri’s back and into his hair.  Yuuri smiled to himself even as he dipped down.   Would he like it if I touched his nipples?  Yuuri slid a hand uncertainly up over the other man’s chest, reaching for the bud standing out against Victor’s pale skin, sliding two fingers on either side of it, rolling it between them.  Victor’s breath hitched, his hand knotting into Yuuri’s hair.

Turning his head he captured the other nipple between his lips, sucking it before circling it with his tongue.  Pulling back, he blowed lightly over the damp surface.  A moan escaped Victor’s lips, his fingers tightening their hold in Yuuri’s hair.  Yuuri found himself leaning in that grasp.  He wanted more of it.  Victor seemed to understand and pulled lightly at Yuuri’s hair and something in that action grounded him.  Yuuri lowered his head and suckled at Victor’s breast once more.

Breaking loose he kissed down the center of Victor’s chest and down his abdomen.  His tongue found Victor’s naval and curiously dipped into it before circling the edge.  Victor moaned, his hips bucking against Yuuri.  A smile touched Yuuri’s lips.  He knew what he wanted.  He wanted to taste this man, he wanted to know the most intimate of scents from him.

He reached for the elastic of Victor’s briefs looking up asking for unspoken permission.  The other man gave a wordless nod.  Yuuri slid his fingers along the elastic before freeing his lover from the confines of his last shred of clothes.  Victor watched him, waiting to see what Yuuri would do next, fingers holding onto the sheets on either side of him.  Yuuri settled in between Victor’s legs.  Holding the other man’s eyes he dipped down and breathed in Victor’s musk.  Yuuri brushed a kiss languidly over the swollen head, his tongue the last to depart the surface, tracing around the edge before sliding up the center to scoop up the precum.

Victor tightened his hold on the sheets, his back arching as his body tensed with need.  “Yuuri,” he moaned, his eyes half open.  Yuuri felt those long fingers return to his hair as he dipped down to slide his tongue along the length, his tongue tracing the path of the vein.  He felt those fingers tighten in his hair and he couldn’t help humming a soft moan against the surface of Victor’s skin.  His own hands slid up Victor’s thighs and grounded themselves on his hips.

Looking up to catch Victor’s eyes, he relished in the undone appearance of Victor as he lay disheveled propped up on the pillows watching him.  He loved that Victor watched his every move even if he was uncertain.  Victor’s responses provided the information he needed, encouraging him to continue.  He dipped down and slid his tongue back around the head before bobbing down to suck him in.

He didn’t go deep.   I’ve never done this before .  He could feel the length triggering his gag reflex.   Would this be enough?  He wasn’t sure if he could take him deeper.  He continued the shallow bobbing, adding his hand to the lower portion of the shaft now slick with his saliva.  Victor’s moans seemed to tell him that he was fine.  He felt those fingers tighten in his hair then card through the strands briskly before grabbing hold once again.

Victor’s moans continued to course through, interrupted with murmurs of his name and Russian endearments.  Yuuri didn’t recognize many and wondered about the phrases Victor dropped.  Still, the words vibrated through him, causing him to moan in response sending vibrations along the shaft as he sucked it.  He felt a sharper tug on his hair followed by the words “Yuuri, I’m close.”

Yuuri continued his efforts.  He would taste this man, take all he would give to him.  He felt the man beneath him tense and then tasted the salty bitter release as it filled his mouth, swallowing it down as he continued to suck Victor as his orgasm continued to release in him.  Finally, he pulled up catching Victor’s eyes, seeing him tense nervously.  Smiling as he licked his lips, Yuuri watched the other man relax.    “What is that word you say?   Vkusno !”  He winked and Victor was all the sudden pulling Yuuri up to kiss him, hungrily seeking his affection.

As Victor held him close kissing him, Yuuri felt those fingers freeing him from his boxers.  Yuuri then found himself on his back and Victor reached for a bottle that he apparently brought from his room.  Squeezing the slick liquid into his hand, he used his other hand to finish removing Yuuri’s boxers.  He slid his slickened hand over the length, thumbing the head and spreading the precum over the surface.  Yuuri’s eyes half closed as he felt heat pooling in his gut.  “Vitya,” he whispered.  Victor kissed his lips before moving down to rest on his head on Yuuri’s heart.

Something told Yuuri that Victor needed this and he wrapped an arm around Victor resting his hand on the small of the other man’s back.  His other hand rested on Victor’s shoulder as that arm stretched down to pleasure him.  Yuuri kissed the top of Victor’s head even as the other man hid from him, unexpected shyness in his choice.  Yuuri traced patterns in Victor’s shoulder, rubbed circles in his back, adding more pressure as his pleasure built.  Soft moans slipped from his lips as he lost himself in the pleasure Victor created with his skilled touch.

He could feel his release building.  “I’m close,” he warned.  Victor nodded wordlessly, his head resting on Yuuri’s chest.  Yuuri’s eyes closed as he felt the tightening in his body, his release focusing on that single point of pleasure.  With a groan, he knew he was gone.  He felt his body come unhinged in the other man’s hand.

Victor lifted his head, shaking it.  Turning to Yuuri, the older man couldn’t help but chuckle in surprise.  Strings of cum covered his face.  Victor shifted uncomfortably, embarrassment blushing his cheeks.  “You look good in me,” Yuuri murmured to try to relax the other man, pulling him into a kiss.

Victor broke free and made a face.  “We definitely need to clean up.”  Victor dropped his head, some inner battle continuing in his thoughts.

They slipped from the sheets and peeked in the hall, listening for sounds below before streaking across to the bathroom.  Yuuri dampened a towel and turned to his lover to clean him up first.  He then turned his attention to himself, removing the signs of his release.  Victor shifted uncomfortably, his head lowered.  Yuuri didn’t like this, worried Victor did this out of some sense of obligation.  He reached for the other man and pulled him into his embrace.  “Are you okay?”

Victor said nothing at first, just resting on Yuuri’s shoulder.  “I-I’m sorry.  I-I couldn’t do what you did for me,” he finally confessed.  “H-he would hold me down there.”  Victor’s breathing became more rapid.  He stilled, trying to pull it under control.  Yuuri held onto him, running soothing circles up and down his back.  Finally, Victor found that calm, steadying breath.  Continuing in a small voice, he added, “I was afraid I’d f-freak out and ruin it all.”

Running his hands up and down Victor’s back, he considered the way Victor hid his face, the way he seemed almost humiliated when he raised his head.  Something didn’t set right with Yuuri.  Continuing to comfort the other man, Yuuri said,  “I never want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, Vitya.  I would never ask that of you.  I need you to tell me, though, if I’m crossing a line.  Because I don’t want to hurt you.”

Victor nodded, his head still buried in Yuuri’s shoulder and in the crook of his neck.  “You just...always end up giving me so much more than I’m able to give back to you in return.  I want to…I just…I can’t just yet.”

Yuuri stroked his fingers through Victor’s hair, untangling the ends.  “I only want you to love me…and to accept my love in return.  You express your love in so many ways.  I see it in the things you do for and with my family, the way you skate, the way you nestle in my arms at night, and mostly in the way you trust me.”

“But is it enough?”  Victor’s voice trembled as he pushed out the question uncertainly.

Yuuri tightened his arms around him.  “It’s funny because I wondered the same.  Am I enough?  Is what I do enough?  But I can tell you without hesitation, you are enough, Vitya.  In everything you do, in every expression of love.  I know each one is a struggle and a gift.”  Releasing the other man, he lifted Victor’s chin and studied his eyes.  “I love you.  There is no condition to that.  There is no demand.  It just is.  I can’t help but to love you.  My heart demands it.”

“I…feel the same,” Victor murmured.  He chewed his lower lip a moment before continuing, studying the face of this amazing strong yet vulnerable man holding him. “It’s just…I’ve been through so much.  It is easier to hold onto fear and doubt.”

Yuuri ran his finger along Victor’s chin, his brown eyes staring intently into the other’s ocean blue eyes.  “I know.  We’ll get through this, past this.  But if you ever doubt, ask me.  I will tell you how much I love you.”

“Thank you.”  The words came out in a whisper even as Victor stepped back into his embrace, wrapping his arms around his chest.  This time, however, it didn’t feel to Victor as if he was hiding.  It felt as if he was coming home.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Gravity

Yuuri pushed up out of his sheets, his anxiety spiking and the voices refusing to settle.  He turned to where Victor slept, still in his bed but curled up in a ball on the opposite side.  He reached out hesitantly then pulled his hand back not wishing to disturb him.  Besides, everything he was feeling was internal.   He doesn’t need to know I’m falling apart.  He has enough to deal with.

He grabbed his clothes and slipped out of the room to shower.  As the water sheeted over him, Yuuri  started drowning under the weight of his anxiety.  The tears fell silently; his hands shook as he leaned against the wall of the shower.   Damn.  I thought this time we got it right.  In frustration, he drew his fist in and threw a punch, pulling it just before it reached the wall.  He slid down the wall, his breathing becoming sharp and labored.  His sister must have been nearby…probably gathering laundry...

“Yuuri?” she asked, tapping the door.  “Are you alright?”  He heard the door open.

He forced his breathing to calm but he knew better than to hide it from her.  He pulled the curtain back and peered through the door.  “I think…I need to call Sasaki-sensei.  This…isn’t working.”

“Do you need me to make sure that you do?”  Mari’s eyes studied him sharply, a knowing wisdom of years with her brother settling over her.

Sighing, he knew the voices could crowd out the help he needed.  “Yes.  Please follow up.”

“I’m going to stay close,” she decided.  “I’ll clean up the upper floor until you’re out.”

“Victor is sleeping, oneesan,” he warned, glancing towards the bedroom door across the hall.

She nodded in acknowledgement.  “I’ll be quiet.  Finish up, Yuuchan.”

Yuuri had his phone in hand as he wandered the meditation garden, lost in thought.  This was the main reason he took the season off.  He had to get his head in order if he wished to continue skating; the last season nearly broke him.  Sighing resignedly, he pulled his phone up and sent the call through.

“Sasaki-sensei’s office.”

“This is Katsuki Yuuri.  I-I think I need to come in today.  My meds are still not leveling out.”

There was a pause, then the receptionist came back.  “We have an opening at ten and at one.”

“I’ll take the early appointment.  Thank you.”

“We will see you then, Katsuki-san.”

Disconnecting the call, he considered his day.  He needed to visit his doctor.  As he reflected on the previous night, Yuuri realized he also needed to call Chris.  Entering the living space, he found his sister.  “I made that call.”

“Good,” she answered.  “Do you need me to go with you?”

He considered her words.  “No…but if you can keep Victor busy, I’d appreciate it.”

“I have errands to run for the inn.  I could use an extra pair of hands.”

“That sounds perfect.”  He pulled his thoughts inward.   I don’t want him to hear my call.  “Oneesan?  I think I need to clean the attic this afternoon.”   

Clean the attic was code for private time, the siblings had set up this code years ago when Yuuri first brought home a friend.  She studied him thoughtfully.  “Should I be worried?”

“No,” he said quietly.  “I just need to make a call.  One I’d prefer Victor didn’t overhear.”

“Understood,” she answered quietly, thinking.  Victor started coming down the stairs a moment later.  Switching to English, she added, “I think I could use some more help this afternoon.  We’ve had an influx in guests and a large group arrives tomorrow.  Do you think I could borrow Victor for a few chores?”

“He needs a break from training today.  That would be fine,” he stated giving his sister an appreciative smile.  He turned to see Victor descending the last stair and approaching Yuuri and Mari.  “Good morning, Vitya.”

He smiled shyly moving into Yuuri’s space.  Yuuri pulled his lover in for an embrace as Victor seemed to need reassurance.  He stroked the younger man’s back and Victor dropped his head onto Yuuri’s shoulder.  Mari inched away from the display.

Victor pulled back, turning to Mari.  “You need my help?” he asked as if her words had just processed.

“Please.  I need to run some errands and then I’ve got to prepare the inn for a large number of guests.  Yuuri has other things that he has to take care of.  Would you mind?”

“I can help you.  I don’t mind at all.”  Victor smiled but it had a sad tinge.  As he disappeared into the kitchen, Mari looked to Yuuri with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m not sure…we, umm, took the next step in our relationship,” Yuuri said quietly.

“I heard,” she stated wryly.

Yuuri blushed profusely.  “These damned, thin walls,” he cursed.  He heard his sister chuckle.  “I’m worried he wasn’t ready.  If he says something, will you let me know?”

She studied her brother thoughtfully.  “Only if he doesn’t pull me into his confidence.”

“Agreed,” Yuuri stated.

She placed a reassuring hand on her younger brother’s shoulder.  “I’ll tell you what I can, though.  If nothing more than to tell you we talked.”

Yuuri nodded in answer before they joined Victor in the kitchen.

Victor trailed behind Mari at the third stop wondering why he was here.  Even with a hurt wrist, she seemed to have it under control.   Yuuri must be upset with me.  I fucked up last night.  He’s trying to figure out how to get rid of me.  Mari was saying something to the cashier in Japanese.  Victor allowed his thoughts to drift once more.   I don’t want to lose him.  I know I must have disappointed him.  I didn’t do what he wanted.

He helped Mari load the next set of packages and they sat in the van while she ticked off the items on her list.  Victor chewed on his lip nervously.  “He’s mad at me, isn’t he?”

Mari looked up startled.  “No.  Why?”

“I’d…rather not say.  But he doesn’t want me around.”

Mari sighed, she put her phone down to give the slender Russian her full attention.  “You know my brother struggles with his anxiety.  Sometimes he needs time to reset his thoughts.  Give him time and a little space.”

“I caused…his anxiety?” Victor blanched and seemed to shrink into the seat.

“That’s not what I said,” Mari stated, then caught herself and tried to make her tone more gentle.  “No one causes his anxiety.  Have you ever read Alice in Wonderland ?”

Victor nodded.  “When I was a child.”

“When Yuuri’s thoughts are going off, it’s like falling down the rabbit hole.  He doesn’t know where it’s going to take him.  He prefers…to isolate himself.  That way he doesn’t hurt others.  If he is keeping you at arm’s length during an anxiety day, then he is afraid he’ll say something that will be taken wrong.  He…can be selfish…and brutal.  We’ve learned to give him a wide berth when he’s like this.  Just…wait for him to come to you.”

Victor considered her words but felt better.  “So, do you really need my help?”

“Actually, yes.  I was going to ask Yuuri and then realized he was having a bad day.  This works out for both of us.”

“Okay.  So what’s next?” Victor seemed to relax with her assurance.

“We will take these packages back to Mom, help her get them organized, then work through the laundry and the cleaning.  With that large party arriving tomorrow, we need to be ready.  The inn will be busy.”

“Okay…just tell me what to do.”

They worked companionably through the evening, however Victor couldn’t help but notice that Yuuri remained quite scarce.  Sighing, his heart felt heavy in spite of Mari’s reassurances.  With the chores behind him, he decided to take Makkachin out for a walk.

Yuuri sat in the attic, his phone in hand.  He had texted Chris earlier while he waited to be called back to see the doctor.  The Facetime request finally went through and he heard Chris’s velvety greeting.  “Yuuri!”

“Hey, Chris.  How are you?”  Yuuri couldn’t help but smile with Chris’s bright affection.

“Things are great,” he shrugged.  “My program is coming together nicely.  I’ll send you some video later to look over.  Will you critique my step sequence?”

Yuuri nodded sharply.  “Of course.  I’d be glad to.”

“It’s strange knowing you won’t be competing.”  Chris sighed, his expression becoming wistful.

“I know.  I’m glad I took the time off, though.  You and I know that my old meds weren’t working.”  Yuuri’s face gave away his frustration.  “I started my third trial of the new drug combination this morning.  Too many thoughts were crowding in.”

The Swiss man frowned, his eyes narrowing critically as he studied his friend.  “ Mon dieu .  I hate that you have to go through this.”

Yuuri shrugged in reply.  “Last time, I pushed through the season while working it out.  It was impossible.  It was a miserable season.  I didn’t make it into the Final that year.”

“Hopefully we’ll see you back in action by World’s.”

“You’ll see me this season as well.  I’m supporting Victor.”

A smiled played across Chris’s lips.  “How is that going?”

Yuuri closed his eyes.  This was why he called.  “Do you remember when I found you?  When we became good friends?”

“I was in a bad state.  You helped me get it back together.”

“I’m glad…it’s just that, something is off.  With Victor.”  Gathering his thoughts, Yuuri asked, “Chris?  Can we keep this talk just between the two of us?”

Chris nodded solemnly.  “Of course.   What’s wrong?”

“We…became intimate last night,” Yuuri confessed, color starting to creep into his cheeks.

“What?!!  Yuuri!  No longer our innocent, boyish leader!”  The tease edged Chris’s voice but Yuuri could tell that he held it back knowing there was something more.

Yuuri blushed deeper but stuttered, “Something...felt off, Chris.  He was fine when I was…blowing him.  But…he seemed nervous after he…came.  Then, he hid as he…gave me a handjob.  The last part…”  Yuuri shifted awkwardly, uncertain if this was saying too much, uncertain if he had already said too much.  However, this part made him feel most uncomfortable and Chris listened intently without judgment.  “He purposefully had me come on his face, Chris.  If that’s his kink, then fine.  However, it was as if…he thought he deserved humiliation.  He was embarrassed.”

Chris thought about Yuuri’s words.  “Is Victor…submissive?”

“He certainly displays a lot of the tendencies.”

“This could be why he was targeted by Mikhail,” Chris pointed out.  “Abusers, as we well know, will seek out submissive victims because they are easier to control.  He’s likely been conditioned to humility.  It’s possible that Mikhail even withheld pleasure from him or punished him if he came without permission.  Have you encouraged him to seek counseling?”

“Not…yet,” Yuuri confessed.  “I’ve been working on gaining his trust.”

Chris nodded thoughtfully.  “Trust is good.  Overreliance is not so good.  Be careful.  It’s a fine line.”

“I should have called you sooner.”  Yuuri pursed his lips, a hint of regret in his demeanor.

“You called when you were ready,” Chris reassured him.

Yuuri shrugged, guilt coming through his voice, “Yes, with your background, though, I should have leaned more on you.”

“We lean on you.  We’re here for you as well.”  Chris’s encouragement seemed to sooth Yuuri a little and he relaxed.

“Thank you, Chris.  I’ll encourage Victor to seek counseling.  I think…it’s time.”

“More than time.  And if that counselor doesn’t work out, make sure he follows through with the referral.  That was drilled into us during my undergrad program.  Refer.  Refer.  Refer.”

“Understood.  Have you thought about where you will specialize for your Masters?”

“Everyone thinks I’ll continue down the sports psychology line but I’m considering working with assault victims and sex therapy.”

“Can you maintain your distance?”

“Yes.  I wouldn’t be in this place if I didn’t have a friend pull me out of darkness.  And my experience in some of the less mainstream worlds of sexuality could give me an advantage.”

“What does Lawrence say to all this?”

Chris chuckled.  “Lawrie will give me whatever I desire.  He’s most permissive for a dom.”  His expression turned soft as he continued.  “We’ve talked about marriage.  He has shown me a much more healthy expression of my sexuality, Yuuri.  I am still me…but no one is taking advantage of me.”

“I’m glad, Chris.  I hope you never find yourself in that dark place.”

“I won’t.  I know better now.  Thank you, Yuuri.”

Yuuri knew that thank you went much deeper than the previous statement.  He smiled towards his friend.  “Hopefully, I can pull him from the darkness.”

“You will.  You can’t help it.  Besides…you’re in love with him.  It’s written all over your face.”

Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise.  “How so?”

“You get all soft when you talk about him, or your eyes show you worry about him.  Everything screams your affections.”

Yuuri blushed as he studied the floor in front of him.  “I just…don’t want to hurt him.  He’s been through enough.”

“Get him into counseling…and make sure you take care of yourself.”

“I will…I do.  It will be…fine,” he answered.

Chris grinned in response.  “Then I’ll bid you adieu .  Trust your instincts, Yuuri.  They haven’t failed you yet.”

“Thank you, Chris.  I will.   Sayonara .”  Yuuri leaned back as he considered his friend’s words.  He knew Chris was right.   Now, how do I broach this with Victor?

Yuuri found Victor on the beach watching Makkachin chase waves.  Dropping down next to him the other man leaned into his touch.  “Are you okay?” Victor asked tentatively.

Yuuri nodded.  “I will be.  You?”

He thought about it before answering, “I will be.”  Staring at the ocean, he chewed his lip working on his courage.  “Yuuri?”

“Hmmm?”

Victor studied the sand in front of him.  “I…messed up, didn’t I?”

Yuuri looked towards Victor in surprise.  “Why do you think that?”

“I’m…not supposed to come until I have permission.”  Victor studied the sand intently, avoiding Yuuri’s eyes.  “I didn’t mean to…it’s just that your touch felt so good and it’s been so long.”

Yuuri pulled Victor into his embrace and tipped his chin up.  “I will not restrict your pleasure, Vitya.  I wanted you to come.  I don’t want you to…”  He broke off, not wanting to sound like a criticism.  “Vitya?  Do you…enjoy painting yourself?”

Victor dropped his eyes.  “N-not really.”

Yuuri reached out and stroked Victor’s hair before lifting his chin.  “I would prefer we not do that, then…because I could see part of you was upset.  I don’t like you to be upset.”

Victor crashed into his chest, tightening his hold.  “I told you I was messed up, Yuuri.”  Victor trembled in his embrace and he could feel the dampness soaking through his shirt from the younger man’s tears.

He began smoothing out Victor’s hair before pulling Victor back and positioning him so they could look into each other’s face.  Studying those deep blue eyes, he whispered softly, “You are not messed up.  But you’ve been through a lot…I’m sure you’ve been…forced to do things I can’t even imagine.  I want to help you through it all, Vitya, but I’m worried I don’t have the necessary skills.  I’m worried I will make things worse.”

The tremble in Victor’s lip almost undid Yuuri.  “What are you saying?” Victor asked tremulously.

Yuuri took a deep breath.  “I’d like…to introduce you to my psychiatrist.  But if I want you to trust me, I need to show you the same courtesy.”  He studied Victor’s expression, noting the other watched him cautiously.  “I took the season off…because my anxiety medications were not working.  I knew I’d have to go through a series of adjustments.  I could check myself into an inpatient facility but I preferred to come home and work with a doctor I’m familiar with.  I…just switched to my third series this morning.”

Victor’s eyes were formulating questions that he was afraid to ask.  Yuuri nodded, giving him permission.  “What…does your anxiety do?”

“Sometimes it’s just an endless stream of worries.  Nothing useful, mostly unfounded.  I’ve learned to sift through those and discount most of them.  Sometimes, though, those thoughts become something more monstrous.  It tells me things like ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘people don’t want to be bothered by me’, ‘I hurt those around me’…and that’s just a few I went through this morning.  It also gets really specific.  For example, this morning that voice was telling me that you only wanted to be with me out of obligation.”

Victor’s breath caught and he looked up in surprise.  “That’s what Mari meant when she said your anxiety can be brutal.”

Yuuri nodded.  “Unfortunately, that’s true.”

Victor turned in Yuuri’s arms and faced the ocean, the waves rolling in and licking the shore before pushing back out.  He didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Yuuri let the silence rest between them.  Finally, Victor spoke.  “It’s not true, you know.”

“What isn’t true?” Yuuri asked as he leaned forward, slipping his arms around the younger man’s waist.

“I am not with you out of obligation,” he murmured, his voice small in its uncertainty.  “I want to be with you.  I just don’t know…the right ways.  I’m so messed up.”

Yuuri tightened his embrace, brushing a kiss behind the ear of his lover.  “I don’t either.  Victor, I’ve never been intimate with anyone before you.  I think you should know this as well.”

Victor looked up at him startled.  “No one?  But me?”

Yuuri shook his head.  “It’s hard for me to let someone get close to me.  Except, with you, it was easy.  You wound up around my heart before I knew it.  I…am so afraid of hurting you.”

Victor leaned into his arms.  “You don’t hurt me.  I’m the one that hurts me.  I…don’t feel like I deserve you…deserve to be loved, even,” he confessed.

“It’s not your decision who I deem worthy of my love, Vitya,” Yuuri whispered, brushing a kiss against his lover’s temple.  “And I give it all to you.  I will mess up.  There will be days where you will think I’m a selfish jerk.  Some of those times we can blame on my anxiety.  However, I’ve been alone for twenty-seven years.  I’m sure I have some bad habits.”

“You have a good heart,” Victor defended, “and you didn’t hesitate to help me even though you didn’t know me.”

Yuuri tightened his embrace and rested his cheek against Victor’s head.  “I knew you,” he confessed quietly.  “I’ve watched you since you took gold in the junior division.  I’ve studied everything I could find on you.  And since you’ve come to Japan, you’ve opened up to me like a book allowing me to read some of your most intimate pages.  I knew you then…enough to know I wanted to more of you.  I’ve not been disappointed.”

“Even though…I messed up last night?”  There was a slight tremble in Victor’s voice.

“You did not mess up,” Yuuri quickly reassured him.  “I am inexperienced.  I failed to recognize that you needed more from me and for that I am truly sorry.  I never want you to feel humiliated, Vitya.  I want to protect you from that life.  I want to restore you.  I want to love you.”

Victor turned, and Yuuri could see the freely falling tears streaking down Victor’s cheeks.  “I want that, too.  I just don’t know…how to get there.”

Yuuri studied the man before him and decided to push once more for counseling.  “Will you let me introduce you to my psychiatrist?  If you find you aren’t comfortable with her, she’ll be able to refer you to someone else.”

Victor snuggled up into Yuuri’s neck.  “I’m scared.”

“I know, Vitya.  I won’t let you fall.  Trust me.”  Yuuri brushed kisses across Victor’s forehead.

Victor shifted back to look at him, his cheeks were tear-stained but hope seemed to reach his eyes once more.  “You, I trust, Yuuri.  Will you take me home?”

They walked back to the inn hand in hand while taking turns with Makkachin’s leash.  The lamps started lighting up one by one as the shadows lengthened.

“Let me show you something,” Yuuri whispered secretively.  Yuuri guided Victor around the corner of the inn once they arrived and down a path.  They ended up in a field with tall grass.  

Victor looked around uncertainly then he saw it:  fireflies lighting up the field.  A soft smile touched his lips.  Of course, Yuuri would share something like this at the end of an uncertain day.

Yuuri pulled Victor to stand in front of him, the uneven terrain working to their advantage, giving Yuuri the extra height he needed.  “This is what your life will be like from now on,” Yuuri murmured next to his ear.  “One light after another will glow because of your presence.  I want to bear witness to that, Vitya.  I want to see you shine.”

Victor snuggled into his embrace.  “Sometimes these things seem impossible.  But then…I see them through your eyes and I start to believe.”

Yuuri brushed a kiss in that sensitive place behind Victor’s ear.  “I want you to believe.  We may fall hard and hit the ground, but it is possible to defy gravity if only for a moment.  I want to see you fly, to light up the night sky with your own story.”

Victor turned in Yuuri’s embrace, reaching for the older man’s lips.  Yuuri smiled even as he met the other’s kiss, gentle repeated pecks as they enjoyed each other in the softness of the evening.  Victor leaned into Yuuri’s embrace.  “Everything seems so out of reach…then I’m with you and it’s like you reach out and pull it down for me.  Why…do you care so much?  Why did you even look twice?  So many have looked past me over the years.  I felt…invisible.”

“I choose to care,” Yuuri stated simply.  “I have never been able to simply turn away when I see someone in pain.  But besides that…I’m drawn to you.  You are...stunning.  Breathtaking.  And sometimes…I wonder if I failed you , Vitya.  If I had the courage to speak to you when I saw you all those years ago…but I was afraid.  I didn’t…and you suffered for it.”   He looked across the field, sadness covering his countenance.

“You’re here now,” he whispered, resting in Yuuri’s embrace.  “That’s the important part.”

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Inner Demons

Victor held onto Yuuri’s hand as they stepped onto the train.  He could see the bodyguards that followed them, stepping into the crowd and blending in. Two women and four men.  It didn’t settle his nerves, however.  This would be the first time he left Hasetsu since he had arrived and it felt like he passing beyond  a wall of safety.  Tightening his hold on Yuuri, he found the other man’s arm wrapping around his waist reassuringly.

Fukuoka.  Victor flew into this city when he escaped Ma-Mikhail.  This was where Yuuri went for counseling and treatment.  When he called to make the appointment with his psychiatrist Sasaki, she immediately referred them to a therapist more specialized in Victor’s struggles.

Dr. Hashimoto.  Psychotherapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy.

Sex therapy.  Do I need a sex therapist?  Am I…dysfunctional?

When Yuuri told him his therapist’s recommendation, Victor nearly backed out.  Except.  He still felt broken.  He still struggled with intimacy.  He could receive what Yuuri offered him.  But then he felt guilty.  Because giving was hard for him.  It wasn’t like Yuuri demanded it from him.  Yuuri knew it upset him.  Yuuri would hold him after.  And Victor…cried.  Every time.  Shaking in Yuuri’s arms.  Coming apart at the seams.

He clung to Yuuri as they exited the train and felt Yuuri guide him into a subway system, which would deliver them to their next stop.  Victor glanced around, inadvertently catching the eye of one of the men guarding them.   They’ll know.  They’ll know something is wrong with me.  I’m broken.  What if I can’t be fixed? Victor felt his ears begin to burn with embarrassment but he locked his eyes on the floor and pushed the feeling down.

Yuuri opened the glass door, squeezing Victor’s hand reassuringly as he led him inside.  The elevator carried them up to the tenth floor.  Four of the six guards rode up with them while the other two positioned themselves downstairs to watch the building’s only entrance.

They stepped off the elevator and the guards stayed in the hallway.  Victor focused on the door they came before.   Did it say the doctor was a sex therapist?  Victor wanted to ask Yuuri.  He tightened his hold on Yuuri as the brunette led him inside.  The door closed behind them.  Another door separated them from a reception area, Victor could feel the finality of where they were going creeping up on him.

Yuuri, sensing the apprehension, turned towards him.  “What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

Victor chewed his lip.  He looked back through the glass door to the sign.  “What does it say?” he whispered, touching the back side of the sign.

“It says Hashimoto and Associates, Psychiatric Services.”

“It doesn’t say…what kind of services?”

Yuuri shook his head.  “As far as anyone is concerned, it is no different than when I go see Sasaki-sensei.  Hashimoto-sensei works hard to protect his clients’ confidentiality.  I had him checked out before I made the appointment.  His reputation is impeccable.  Do you…trust me?”

“Yes,” Victor answered without hesitation.  He loosened his hold on Yuuri’s arm and slid his hand down to take hold of Yuuri’s hand, entwining their fingers.  Yuuri gave it another squeeze.

“Hashimoto-sensei stated when I made the appointment that it was at your discretion whether I leave or stay.  At least for this first appointment.”

“Will you…stay?” Victor asked a little too quickly, his nerves spilling out around him.

“Yes.  Whatever you need, Vitya.”  He lifted his chin and brushed a kiss against Victor’s cheek, adding, “I’m here for you, anata .”

“Thank you.”

Hashimoto greeted them, Victor noticed the man was tall and slim, with brown eyes darker than Yuuri’s but still warm.  “Come in, gentlemen,” the doctor invited them, slipping easily into flawless English although Victor realized that it held a different inflection than Yuuri’s English.

Yuuri did as well because he asked, “Where did you study?”

The other man chuckled.  “Cambridge.  I met my partner there and he came back to join me here in Japan.  And you?”

“Detroit, Michigan.  In the States.  It was near my coach.”

“My partner follows figure skating.  I want to be honest and admit that I know your faces.”  Hashimoto spread his hands out, palms up, showing all of his proverbial cards.

“I can trust our confidentiality will be maintained even at home?” Yuuri stated.

Hashimoto nodded.  “Of course.  My partner knows not to ask about my work.  He’s a business analyst so our professional lives are maintained separate from our home life. And we have two small children, it’s rather easy to have to focus on home life.”

“Thank you.  I’m sure you understand.  We are familiar with loss of privacy and cling to what we can.”

“Of course, Katsuki-san,” he reassured him.

Yuuri smiled and bowed before holding out his hand in a western manner.  “Please, call me Yuuri.  This is my…partner, Victor Nikiforov.”

“Victor, please,” the silver haired beauty greeted the therapist.  He was striking and ethereal.  

Hashimoto shook the long fingered hand that took his.  The handshake was firm.  Solid.   He has an inner strength, the doctor remarked to himself.

“Shall we sit?” Hashimoto asked, guiding them to a casual seating area.  “Would you like tea?”

Victor looked to Yuuri to take his cues.  Yuuri graciously accepted the offer.  Soon, the service was placed before them, the tea steeping.  Fear flitted through the blue eyes and he constantly looked to Yuuri for reassurance.  The doctor noticed and read the signs from Victor’s behavior. Something has shaken this man, made him uncertain, stripped away his assurance.  But not completely.  The thin thread of it could be found deep within.  It was something to build upon.

“Why don’t we get to know one another?” Hashimoto offered as he handed the other two men cups of tea.  “Victor?  First of all, I need to be certain you wish to have your partner present.”

“Y-yes,” the silver haired man answered tightening his hand around Yuuri’s.  “At least…for now.”

Hashimoto nodded.  “What brings you to my office?”

Victor stared at his teacup still holding tightly onto Yuuri’s hand.  “I…was in an abusive relationship.  For three years.  I don’t know…how to properly relate…to my partner…sexually.”

Hashimoto tilted his head thoughtfully and took a sip of tea.  “What do you mean by ‘properly’?”

“I do things…that sometimes are…hum…”  Victor flicked his eyes to Yuuri, tears definitely edging those lower lashes.  “I punish myself because I don’t think I should allow myself pleasure.”

Hashimoto took a deep sigh.  “Is this something your previous partner taught you?”

“He would…deny me…orgasm…and punish me if I came without permission.  He said…this was my lot.  That submissive men and women do not want pleasure.  That we only respond to pain.”

“Was he physically abusive as well as verbally and sexually?”

Victor nodded.  No hesitation in that answer.

Hashimoto dug through his strategies as he considered his next question, covering his pause with another sip of tea.   “Do you identify as a submissive, Victor?  Or is this something you’ve been taught?”

“I-I don’t know,” the silver haired man confessed.  “But…If I am, then I don’t think I’ve been taught right.  I don’t think…I know I don’t like pain.  I…kn-now I don’t like hu-humiliation.  I just…don’t know how to stop doing the things that he trained into me.”

Hashimoto nodded sharply as he sat his cup down.  “Yuuri, are you a dominant?”

“It is not…something I require out of a relationship.  I want Victor to be comfortable in his own skin.  I will meet him halfway, where he needs.”

“So…that’s a yes, at least in tendency.” The doctor was able to see and understand Yuuri’s need to protect and lead, even if Yuuri didn’t fully understand them himself.

“Taking control comes easy to me but I only do so when necessary.  I’m cautious not to abuse it.”

Hashimoto turned his gaze towards Victor.  “I would like to see you twice a week, Victor.  I suspect you will have strong PTSD symptoms as we delve deeper.  Yuuri is welcome to join you but I want to see you once a week on your own.  Sometimes we hold back when our partner is present.  We are afraid of them seeing the ugliness in our world.”

Victor shifted his eyes from one man to the other before resting them on the floor before him.  “So…I am broken,” he whispered.

Hashimoto considered that term before answering, “I don’t believe broken is the best term.  You have been conditioned to develop certain behaviors.  We will need to unravel them to help you find your true self, your true tendencies, your true preferences.  When your partner found you, how old were you?”

“Nineteen.”

“And what kind of family involvement did you have at that point?”

“My mother passed away when I was fourteen.  I was raised by my coach but I lived alone in the dorms at that point.”  Victor shrugged and laughed, his eyes fluttering around the room.  “Well, I had Makkachin, my poodle.”

Hashimoto’s lips twitched but then he redirected Victor away from Makkachin, wanting to dig deeper.  “Where were you emotionally?”

Victor lowered his eyes.  “Alone.”

Hashimoto pursed his lips and nodded sharply.  “You were primed for someone with sadistic tendencies to take you in.  He likely moved fast.”

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  “Very fast,” he started talking and then the words just tumbled out of him as if Hashimoto turned a key to unlock him.  “I was living with him and then…it all started.  I didn’t have any experience really.  Very limited.  A couple of girls when I tried to force myself to be straight.   When we first…our first few times were okay.  He made me completely dependent on him, though.  Then…then came the rough sex.  I didn’t feel comfortable with it but he said it takes time.  He said everyone goes through this.  It was normal .  I wanted normal .  Then, he started doing other things.  Things that hurt me.  Little things at first.  He pulled my hair.  He…spanked me.  I don’t like that.  And then he got really violent. He hit me. He burned me.  He...cut me.  He seemed to enjoy my pain.  Why did I stay?  Why didn’t I just leave?”  Tears streamed down his cheeks as he ripped through it all like jerking a bandage off of a wound.

Yuuri took one hand and held it between two of his.  Hashimoto took the other.  Victor looked from one to the other, his eyes wide, lost and in need of answers.  Hashimoto’s voice was quiet, grounding, as he offered something for the blonde to hold onto.  “You said it at the beginning.  He made you completely dependent on him.  You were likely in shock or denial to begin with.  From there, you moved into the bargaining stage, trying to reason with your abuser.  He likely gave just enough to keep you in check.  Anger often comes next.  You may have even misdirected that towards yourself, blaming yourself for your situation, convincing yourself that you deserved what you received.  After that usually comes depression.  Sometimes that can take a hopeless turn that leads to self-harm.  If you reach the fifth stage, you can make a move.  You have to accept your situation.  Tell me about your last few months before you left.”

“I was at the Grand Prix Final.  Yuuri discovered my injured wrist.  He forced me to see a medic then followed up with me later at the banquet.  He…was so kind to me.  I hadn’t experienced that since I lost my mother.  It made me realize everything was wrong with my current relationship.  I wanted out.  But I was scared.  He had so much power.  So, I started putting together an escape plan.  The night I left, he had broken my ribs.  I-I had enough.  I saw a video where Yuuri skated my program and I remembered he offered me a way out.  So I left…and I ran to Yuuri.  I knew it was a risk.  I barely knew Yuuri.  But…staying with Mikhail, or even in Russia, seemed the greater risk.  So I left.  And Yuuri took me in when I arrived; he took care of me.”

Hashimoto looked sharply towards Yuuri and then back to Victor.  “There are really good things that has happened along the way as you escaped.  There are some things, though, that concern me.”

“Like what?” Victor asked, his eyes wide.

“Victor, you’re still very dependent on your partner.  You haven’t changed that, you’ve merely changed partners.  Yuuri, you seem to want what is best for Victor.  Would you be willing to give him up if that was the case?”

Yuuri studied Victor and a myriad of emotions crossed over his expression before he nodded.  “If I am hindering him or if he no longer wished me to be in his life, I would let him go.  That doesn’t negate how I feel about him.  I…love him enough to let him go.”

“I’m not suggesting that this is the path.  But, Victor, you want normal.  You stress the word when you talk about it.  So in your own mind, you don’t have it.  Normal isn’t the same for everyone but it is hard to achieve if you are encompassed by another.  You need independence.  Right now, you have codependence.  Do you want normal?  At any cost?”

Victor tightened his hold on Yuuri’s hand.  His expression looked as if he was fighting an inner war.  “I…don’t want to give up Yuuri.  I love Yuuri.”  He grew silent, studying the floor before him.  Then he slowly released Yuuri’s hand and lifted his eyes.  “I do want to be me, whatever that me may be.  I…haven’t truly been happy since my mother passed away.  I’m most at peace on the ice.  Yuuri settles me and makes me feel safe.  Does that make it bad? The way I feel?”

“You moved quickly from one relationship to another and that could be transference.  However, it could be sincere.  I’m not discounting your emotions, Victor.  However, you need to know yourself better before you know for sure how you feel.  You need to work through your pain.”

“Do I have to work through it…alone?”

Hashimoto closed his eyes thoughtfully before opening them and holding the young man’s eyes.  “No, you do not.  And it’s good that you don’t have to walk this path alone.  Yuuri?  Weigh in.”

Yuuri focused his eyes on Victor before answering.  “I’ve never chosen to let anyone in this closely although I have a number of friends.  I’ve never been intimate with anyone.  I…wanted to meet Victor and know him better when I first saw him but he was eighteen and I worried he was too young.  I regret not making that move.  I didn’t know…that he needed me back then.  I worry now that my hesitance caused him to fall into Mikhail’s clutches.  I…want Victor in my life.  However, I want what is best for Victor more.  I want Victor to be comfortable in his own skin.”

“If I am understanding you correctly, you would like to see him independent as well.”

“Yes.  And to love himself.”

Hashimoto could feel a smile slip softly to the surface.   This man truly loves the younger one.  “Two days a week.  You come one and then Victor comes alone to the other.”

“I see Sasaki on Tuesdays at ten,” Yuuri supplied.

Hashimoto checked his schedule.  “I can work with that.  Mornings are pretty open for me.  Nine-thirty on Tuesdays?  And how about ten-thirty on Fridays for the two of you?”

Yuuri pulled out his phone and entered the times.  “We can work with that until competition season.  That schedule could cause us to miss a few appointments.”

“We can work around competitions.  Now, I like to send my clients with some homework.  So, for now get in the habit of journaling.  Not just an accounting of what you do but the emotions.  Given the nature of this therapy, it would be good to include bedroom talks.  You do not have to share your journals with me but I suggest you bring them.  Sometimes it gives you the structure you need to talk with me.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri murmured, bowing his head.  Victor watched Yuuri and then followed suit.

“I will see you on Tuesday, Victor.  Please pick up my card from the receptionist on your way out in case you need to call.  I encourage my clients to call if they go into crisis.  After hours will go to a service but I check regularly.”

“Thank you, sir,” Victor said softly.

Hashimoto watched them leave, Victor’s hand already threaded back into Yuuri’s.  He pursed his lips and wrote down a few notes.  He hated cases of domestic violence and sexual abuse because they followed him home.  Pulling out his phone, he sent a sad faced emoji to his partner.  They never discussed his cases but this signaled to his partner that he had taken on a difficult one and told him that he might need some extra care that evening. Pulling out his appointment book, he prepared for his next client.

Victor curled into Yuuri’s side as they rode the train back to Hasetsu.  He was emotionally exhausted.  Yuuri kept a protective arm around him.  Finally they reached their stop.  As Yuuri guided Victor off the train, he asked, “Did you want to skate?”

Victor shook his head.  Then, after a moment, he asked, “Can we walk Makka?  Maybe along the beach?”

“I think that’s a great plan.”

An hour later, they found themselves walking along the beach, feet bare, shoes in hand.  “Yuuri, am I submissive?”

Yuuri smiled quietly, watching the sun, his fingers tightening in Victor’s hand.  “I hate labels.  They are limiting.  Even if you have submissive tendencies, it isn’t all that you are.  Just like my having dominant tendencies doesn’t fully describe who I am.”

“You and Ma...Mikhail,” Victor sighed, an edge of frustration touching the release.  “You are both different in how you treat me.”

“If I am dominant, he’s sadistic,” Yuuri explained.  “Those are different although sometimes confused.  I want to protect you, care for you, cherish you, free you.  He is the absolute opposite.  He wants to own you, enslave you, relish in your pain.”

Victor considered his words.  “I think...he wanted to break me...to keep me broken.  When I fought him, Ma...Mikhail would break me all over again.”

Yuuri turned to face Victor, the cool ocean waves licking back and forth over their feet.  “I noticed you are making an effort not to call him Masha.”

“Masha...that’s a diminutive...a sign of affection.  I...I’m cutting him out.  He gets no further claim on me.  Mikhail distances him.”

“You still have feelings for him,” Yuuri stated quietly.

Victor sucked in his breath and dropped his face.  “I don’t want to...it’s dying...all of it.  His hold on me.  Anything I felt for him.”  Lifting his head to hold Yuuri’s eyes, he added, “It’s different.  What I feel for you.  I feel...more surefooted.  You keep me on my feet.  I don’t...think it’s...transference.  But...I’m afraid I’ll hurt you, Yuuri.”

“Let me take that risk,” Yuuri whispered softly.  He traced his fingers down Victor’s cheek before brushing a soft kiss over his lips.  “I know what I feel and there is no transference there.  I love you, Vitya.”

Victor’s breath hitched and Yuuri could see the other man’s eyes fill with unshed tears as he swallowed down a sob.  “I don’t understand how...or why.  But...I need that love.”

As evening faded to night, Victor buried himself into Yuuri’s chest.  “I’m sorry I’m messed up,” he whispered and if Yuuri wasn’t listening, he would have missed those words.

“You are not messed up.  You are wounded…and the deeper the wounds, the longer it takes to heal.  Give yourself permission to heal, Victor.  Stop punishing yourself.”

Victor lifted his eyes and held his.  “Then…you have to do the same.  You keep blaming yourself for not talking to me, for a missed opportunity.  That’s…not fair.  You need to stop punishing yourself, too.”

Yuuri smiled as he pulled Victor into a kiss.  “Let’s use that time more wisely,” he whispered.  “I’d rather spend it loving you.”

Victor nuzzled into Yuuri’s neck.  “I feel the same,” he murmured in surrender.  “I do love you, Yuuri.”  He needed to affirm those words.  The therapist’s words shook him.  However, the more he thought about it, what he felt for Yuuri was vastly different from what he felt for Mikhail.  

Yuuri pulled Victor’s hand up to his lips, kissing the knuckles, the fingers, then the palm.  “I also want to release you from any sense of obligation you might feel towards intimacy.  If it’s what you want, then I want it, too.  But never out of obligation.  You are my lover, not my slave.  You get to decide what you want to do.  I don’t want it to be a matter of what you are willing to do.”

“I-I may still mess up,” Victor whispered.

“Let’s consider it getting to know one another.  You are learning what I like and I’m learning what you like.  And…I want you to feel okay about asking me.  I may not know, though.”

“You can ask me, too.  H-he taught me some things that might be twisted.  H-he hurt me.  A lot.  I…don’t think I like pain.  I don’t know about…being a submissive.”

“That’s not conditional on this relationship.  I don’t crave a sub/dom relationship.  I think it’s more important to establish our boundaries outside of that definition.  We need to discover our normal .”

“Can we…will you…touch me?”  Victor guided Yuuri’s hand to his body.  “I need touch.  My mother…she hugged me…often.  Then I went years without it.  I mean, I initiated hugs with those around me but...it wasn’t enough.  I think…I need to feel contact, human touch.  The lack of it made me vulnerable.  But your touch...it makes me feel safe, loved.”

Yuuri reached up and slid a hand down his cheek and around his neck pulling him into a kiss.  As their lips parted, Yuuri whispered softly, “I will never withhold my touch from you.  I do not believe in withholding love.”  Running his hand down Victor’s back, he tangled his fingers into Victor’s hair careful not to pull.  “You will never suffer punishment from me.  I refuse to bring pain to you.  We will discuss anything we need to correct and come to agreement together.  You are free to express your needs, and the things that you do not like.  We will likely have a number of uncomfortable conversations but I think they are important.  And I trust you enough to have them with you.  Trust me.”

“I do…more than anyone, I trust you.”

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

Deciphering Me

The weekend passed with a myriad of thoughts crowding through Victor’s mind.  Yuuri gave him the space he needed but was within ready reach when he needed to turn to the older man.  They skated, walked along the beach or through town, danced in the studio as Yuuri worked out a new program…Yuuri shared that he hoped his meds would level out, allowing him to compete in the Japanese Nationals, which would lead into Worlds.

“How will we be together?” Victor asked suddenly as Yuuri stretched after dancing through his choreography.  Victor dropped down and mirrored the floor stretches.

“What do you mean?” Yuuri asked uncertainly.

“I mean…if we both skate.  You can’t coach me and skate at the same time.”

Yuuri frowned thoughtfully hearing the worry in the younger man’s voice.  “That’s a good question.  I suppose one of us will have to switch coaches.  I’d still like to have a strong hand in your programs if you let me.  I enjoy developing your choreography with you and appreciate your input on my own.”

“I’d like that.”  Victor pulled his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them.  “I…don’t know if I will ever feel at home in Russia again.  What is Detroit like?”

Yuuri frowned.  He didn’t like that Victor couldn’t feel at home in his own country.  However, for now he decided to focus on Victor’s question.  “It’s full of music, great creativity, and cold.  The winters are long and deep.”

“That should be familiar.  I’m from Russia.  The cold doesn’t really affect me.”

Yuuri chuckled.  “I suppose not.  I come here every year to work out my choreography and spend time with family after Worlds.”

Victor smiled, his shoulders lifting up to reflect that happy thought that fluttered through him.  “I’m glad.  I like the warmth of your family.  They make me feel like a part of it…your family, that is.”

“You are a part of it, Victor.  Even Grandfather has adopted you.  I’m under orders to bring you for our next lunch date.”

“I’d like that.  I like your grandfather.  He’s…not as frightening as I thought he’d be…considering what he does.”

“Grandfather is very protective of his family.”

“Yuuri?  Do you think of me as part of your family?”

Yuuri reached for the blonde, pulling him into his embrace.  “Even more than that.  You are a part of me.  I want to claim you in every way, Vitya, to have you as my lover, my partner, and when you are ready, my husband.”

Victor’s lips parted, his eyes widening, tears threatening to break the dam.  “Why do you love me so much?”

“Because you are the missing part of my soul and I’ve been searching for you all of these years.  I could settle for no one else.  I need you.”

Tuesday arrived and Victor was nervous as he faced the idea of visiting with Hashimoto alone.  “I’m walking you to your appointment,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I’ll likely finish before you and should be waiting when you come out but if not, Grandfather’s men will know where to find me.”

Victor cringed at the idea of not knowing where to find Yuuri.  “Will you show me where you will be?”

Yuuri considered his question.  “We have time.  We can do that.  Especially if that will make you feel more at ease.”

“I don’t know what makes me more nervous.  Seeing Hashimoto-sensei alone or being alone in the city.”

“You aren’t alone,” Yuuri reminded him gently.  “You have four guards assigned to you.”

“But that leaves less with you,” Victor argued, his eyes wide.

Yuuri nodded.  “I typically travel with only two, besides I’m not the one under the possibility of threat.  And remember, he was deported.  You should be fine in Japan.”

Victor breathed deeply, trying to settle his nerves.  “Okay.  I can do this.”

“I know you can, my brave, beautiful Vitya,” Yuuri murmured.  Victor visibly preened before the praise. Yuuri suppressed the sigh and offered a smile, trying to reassure the other man.  “This is the building where I’ll be located.  Sasaki-sensei’s office is on the fourteenth floor.”

Victor nodded.  “And the others can find you,” he confirmed.

“Absolutely.  Now, let’s get you to your appointment.”

Hashimoto greeted them and noted the Victor’s reluctance at releasing Yuuri’s hand.  “Come, Victor.  Let me prepare you a cup of tea to calm your nerves.”  He guided the young man into his office.  Victor nervously wandered around the room while Hashimoto prepared the tea.  The psychologist made note of Victor’s nervous ticks.  Pulling at his hair, twirling his hair around his fingers, chewing his lip or his nails, pulling at his fingers, rubbing his ears.  He had an entire repertoire of self-comforting devices.  Hashimoto planned to add to that list a series of helpful therapies.  With tea situated on the tray, he directed Victor to join him in the seating area.

Victor seemed to be at a loss without that guidance.  Hashimoto added that to the list of things to address.  Although he worked with sexual and relationship issues, his specialization with sexual related trauma gave him the experience he needed to address Victor’s needs.  He handed the cup to Victor and picked the other up for himself.  “I don’t know about you, but there is always that awkward period at first where one doesn’t know what to do with their hands.  I find…a cup of tea helps ease the transition,” he explained gently.

Victor nodded as he took a sip.  “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said last time.  I don’t think it is transference.”

“Okay.  Tell me why,” he invited, curious that this was the topic Victor grabbed hold of.

“The feelings I have for Yuuri are very different from what I had for Mikhail.  I do depend on him a great deal but…he encourages me to do things on my own.  I know I’ll get better at it.  We just….we work closely together.”

Hashimoto nodded.  “Okay.  Tell me some of the things you do on your own.”

“They are small things.  I walk in the garden.  I help out at the inn sometimes while Yuuri is working on his own programs.  I read.  I’m trying to learn Japanese.”

“Why do you want to learn Japanese?”

“I know Yuuri spends part of the year here and I want to fit in better.  His family have openly accepted me.  I don’t have any family back home in Russia.”

“No one at all?” Hashimoto asked with a raised eyebrow.

Victor looked at his teacup thoughtfully.  “Well, I have my coach, Yakov.  He raised me after my mother passed away.  He did his best but…he’s not a very warm person.  I had to initiate all of the hugs, he’s not good with openly showing affection.  Then I suppose there is Mila.  She is younger than me and was my rink mate.  She would ask about me quite often and I know she was aware I was being abused.  She also would run up and gives me a hug in the mornings.  I guess there is also Yuri Plisetsky.  He’s only fifteen.  He is like an angry kitten but he would pick at me to pull me out of my funk.  Then, Georgi who is older than me by three years.  He said I could always stay at his place if I needed to get away.  I never took him up on it.  I suppose…he knew as well.”

“That sounds like a family to me,” Hashimoto observed.

Victor nodded, pulling his knees to his chest.  “But he lives there.”

“Mikhail,” Hashimoto confirmed.

Victor nodded once more, laying his head on his knees.  “It would be easier in Detroit and Japan.”

“But would it be best?” Hashimoto pressed.

“I-I don’t know.”  Victor looked surprise at the tear that broke free.  “I guess…I miss them.  Yakov makes me contact him once a week to let him know I’m alright.  It’s not the same, though.”

“What else have you been thinking about?” Hashimoto invited.

Victor shrugged, a nervous gesture, grabbing at the end of his braid and tugging at it.  “I’ve been thinking about what you said about being submissive.  I don’t know…what that means.  Not truly.”

“There is the loose definition which means simply that you are meek and follow the lead of others.  It is humble obedience, bowing to others’ authority,” Hashimoto supplied.

Victor considered those words then shook his head.  “That’s not what you meant, though.  You didn’t say that I was submissive.  You said that I was a submissive.  You used that in the context of dominance and submission.  I don’t know what that means so how do I know if that is where I fall?”

Hashimoto regarded the man before him.  “You know more than you are willing to admit.  So what does it mean to you?”

Victor drew his thoughts in as he studied his hand, unconsciously tracing the outline.  “I…like to be directed, to be taken care of, protected.  I thought…it meant that I was enslaved, forced to bow to my partner’s will but Yuuri says that that is a common misconception.  I do like to please others and sometimes will set aside my own needs and desires to help them out.  But…that perhaps isn’t healthy,” he admitted.

Hashimoto felt a flutter of a smile at Victor’s sudden self-awareness.  “No, it is not.  Pleasing others is a common trait but you should never neglect your own needs.  Think of a dance.  Someone leads, and someone follows.  In a dominant/submissive relationship, that is a defined role.  The lead is the dominant partner while the submissive follows.  However, a good leader will always make sure his submissive partner is safe, feels taken care of, and gives full consent.”

“How is that different from codependent?”

“The difference is will or choice.  If one is codependent, one loses autonomy.  It’s an uncertain state where one is always fighting against the idea of losing someone.  With submission, one chooses to give power to their partner, preferably a partner who isn’t self-centered and narcissistic.  However, a submissive doesn’t lose their sense of self.”

“Yuuri is the opposite of self-centered,” Victor stated.  “Mikhail, though…” Victor shivered.  “So, if I was codependent with Mikhail, does that mean I’m not the other?”

“No, it does not.  And it is possible to have a healthy submissive relationship after codependency.  However, before you submit, you need to learn your boundaries.  These have been blurred over the last three years.  You also need to establish your identity.”

Victor pulled out the journal he had started.  Opening it to a page, he showed it to Hashimoto.  “I started making a list…things I didn’t like about how Mikhail treated me.  Is this what you mean by boundaries?”

“It’s a solid start.  Eventually, you’ll be able to simplify it into a simple pair of columns…this is what I like, this is what I don’t like.  I want to caution you about exploring your submissiveness.  I recommend you wait until you are in a healthier mental state.”

Victor tapped his lip with his index finger thoughtfully.  “Okay…what if I don’t want to be submissive?  What if I’m afraid…of ending up where I started?”

“Then don’t,” Hashimoto answered with a shrug.  “You may still have tendencies but that doesn’t mean you have to walk that road.”

Victor nodded, his eyes focusing once more on his hands.  “Yuuri said we should find our own normal, free of labels.”

“What do you say?” Hashimoto asked, tilting his head to one side as he studied the other man.

Victor answered slowly at first, as if assembling his thoughts.  “I think…regardless of being submissive or not, I need to know my boundaries.  I should know what I want versus what I’m willing to do as well.  But, I’m not sure exactly how to get there so that’s why I started my lists.  I…really didn’t know where to start with my journal.”

“There are different ways to journal,” the psychologist offered.  “Some use it to dump out all of the thoughts crowding their mind.  Some use it to rid themselves of negativity.  Some focus on positive aspects and what they want to realize.  And some, like you, use it to problem solve.  And it can be a combination of a number of styles.  The important part is to make it a habit, to regularly get something on paper.”

Victor lifted his eyes to meet Hashimoto’s.  “What do I do next?”

“Explore something that you alone are interested in without your partner.”

“Like…college courses?”

“It could be college courses…especially if that’s something you’ve been denying yourself.  It could also be a hobby.”

“Something uniquely me.  I might have to think about it.”  He picked up his journal.  “I can journal on those thoughts, though, to help me work it out.”

“You can most definitely journal about it,” the doctor encouraged.

“Okay, I feel like I at least have a direction and some answers to my questions.”  Victor studied his fingers thoughtfully where they stretched across the journal.  “One more thing.”

“Yes, Victor?”

“Do the…” He drew a deep breath.  “Do the nightmares ever go away?”

Hashimoto drew his lips into a thin line.  “Eventually they will quiet to near nothingness.  However, they can still crop up unexpectedly when something triggers them.”

“Do you…have some strategies for dealing with them?”

“Journal, of course.  Writing it down sometimes can help you make sense of the dreams.  Some find it easier to draw it out.  Even if you are not an artist, you could create an interpretation of the dream.  With meditation, you can visualize yourself in a safe place then pull that practice in place during your rest period.  Drink relaxing teas and practice relaxation techniques before you go to sleep.  Do they cause you to have anxiety attacks?”

Victor shook his head.  “They scare me but Yuuri calms me after a bit.  It’s not like Yuuri’s anxiety attacks.  I’ve seen those.”

“One successful technique in dealing with PTSD induced nightmares is Imagery Rehearsal Therapy which gives you back control over the ending of your nightmare.  In essence, you learn how to change the story.  This is something we can discuss on your next visit.  I’m writing it down so that you can research it further.”  Hashimoto reached into his desk and pulled out a pamphlet.  He wrote down the therapy name on the back before handing over to Victor.

Victor’s eyes flicked the paper over.  “I’m not…a sexual assault victim.  I was there willingly,” he argued.

Hashimoto shook his head.  “You were there under a false premise.  He broke that promise of safety and care when he first abused you.  I’m not going to force the phraseology on you, Victor.  However, several of the suggestions I mentioned to you are listed in that pamphlet.  It gives you a starting place.”

Victor turned the paper over and looked at it, his expression troubled but he nodded and placed it in the pocket of his notebook.  “I’ll read over it…especially if you think it might help.  Can we talk about this Image Rehearsal Therapy with Yuuri here?”

“Of course.  You may bring him with you during your next session.”

Victor sighed, still uncertain.  “I feel like I’m a broken puzzle and we are digging out pieces to try and put me together again.  I wonder if I’ll ever be whole.”

“You aren’t the only one who has felt that way.  But know this…all of the pieces are there.  They may be hidden but we will find a way to decipher them and unlock the parts of you that have disappeared from view.  I think that is the most important part of this journey.”

“Journey.  I like that.  It sounds…hopeful.”  Victor smiled, something changing in his demeanor.

“Then that’s what we’ll call it.  So, until Friday, keep journaling and feel free to share any other strategies you employ during the week.  Also, I want you to write down any anxiety episodes you might have and please include the surrounding events, both before and after the episode.  Since your partner struggles with anxiety, he is likely familiar with keeping an anxiety log.  This will help us to pinpoint whether or not we need to consider other therapies.”

“Okay.  I can do that.  Thank you, Hashimoto-sensei.”  Victor imitated the bow he watched Yuuri do and then smiled when the other man offered his hand to shake.  He grasped it and met the doctor’s eyes.  “Until Friday.”

Yuuri was waiting for him when he emerged and stood to greet his partner.  “Are you ready?”

“ Da!” Victor responded, a smile flitting across his lips.

“That’s a happy sound.  I take it the session went well.”  Victor’s happiness was infectious and Yuuri found himself answering with a smile of his own.

Victor nodded.  “I have a lot to think about…but it feels like moving forward, a journey.  So I have hope.”

Yuuri laughed softly as he slipped an arm around Victor’s waist.  “Hope is a good thing.”  Yuuri guided him out of the office with a hand on his back.  “Now, do you want to stop somewhere for lunch or go straight home?”

Victor tilted his head in consideration.  “What would you do if I wasn’t here?”

“There is a coffee shop attached to a bookstore I like to frequent.  We could grab a light lunch and browse the shelves before taking the train home.”

“That sounds like a wonderfully normal idea.  Yes, please,” Victor responded, his eyes dancing.

Yuuri laughed as the blonde grabbed hold of his hand, lacing their fingers together.  “Yuuri?”

“Yes, Vitya,” he prompted.

Victor stared wistfully into the distance.  “I want us to find our own normal.  I don’t think I like the labels either.  Is that okay?”

“I’ve never been fond of labels,” Yuuri answered, “possibly because I never strictly fit into one category but somewhere in the middle.”

Victor turned to look at Yuuri, his eyes turning serious.  “I just…I don’t want to be that word .  I do want to figure out my boundaries.  Will you do the same?  Then we can share and talk about it.”

“I think that is an excellent plan but realize that list will change over time as we get to know each other and ourselves,” Yuuri warned gently.  “So it isn’t a contract.”

Victor nodded.  “It’s easier to respect boundaries, though, if we have an idea what they are.”

“That’s a very good point.”

The trip back to Hasetsu, Victor leaned on Yuuri’s shoulder as he read a book on career exploration.  Yuuri raised an eyebrow when Victor selected it but said nothing.  Yuuri read a mystery when his mind didn’t wander to the man beside him.

Victor became animated and open, his eyes curious as he explored the world around him with new interest asking a thousand questions in the walk home.  He no longer appeared to merely exist but began to interact in the world around him.  Yuuri didn’t know what occurred in that office but somehow a switch was flipped, and maybe a key unlocked.

Hope .

Victor clung to that word like a promise.

Yuuri watched his Victor’s happiness through the day.  Something, though, started to bother him.  Something started to feel off.  Yuuri returned his smiles but began to look closer.  Something started to slip through that demeanor, looking forced.  Perhaps he was tired, perhaps they both were...Yuuri hoped.  He wanted more than anything for Victor to be happy, for Victor to start to heal.

Chapter Text

Battle Scars

Victor danced across the ice, performing the steps Yuuri wanted from him, striving for perfection.  Yuuri balanced his critiques against praise.  As Yuuri’s critical eyes watched him, he began to second guess his doubts.  Maybe, just maybe, Victor was genuinely happy.

As Yuuri walked home with him, Victor babbled about nothing and everything, as if his eyes were just opened and he was taking it all in.  As they relaxed in the onsen, Victor would draw up to Yuuri with a contented sigh.  Snuggling in bed, Victor talked about skating and the other things he wanted to accomplish.  Yuuri just held on, trying to tamp down his worry.

On the third day the inevitable happened, Victor crashed.  Yuuri found him curled up in his room, shut down from everyone.  Sitting next to him, Yuuri stroked his silvery hair, soothed him as best he could with words.  “I can’t do this, Yuuri.  I can’t.  I am…nobody.  There isn’t anything left.  It’s all broken.”

“Vitya,” he murmured.  “You still have so much to offer.”

“I know you are just being kind, Yuuri.  My skating is trash.  I haven’t been able to do anything in competition.  Why would it change?”

“First of all, your skating is not trash.  Secondly, is this really about your skating?”

Victor curled up tighter.  “N-no,” he said, his voice small.

“What’s wrong?”

“I-I don’t know.  I feel…invisible.  Non-existent.  I don’t have my own identity.  I’m…just want everyone wants me to be.  Pleasing.  Happy.  Sunny.  Beautiful.  But…I’m falling apart inside.”

Yuuri listened as he rushed through the words, his own suspicions confirmed in the process.  “When I met you, Vitya, I offered you a safe place.  That place came without condition.  You don’t have to be…pleasing.  If you fought me every day, you would still have a place.”

Victor lay still, staring at the opposite wall still curled in a fetal position, but his sobs had stilled.  Yuuri waited.  Victor processed the information in the framework of his thoughts.  Finally he turned, facing Yuuri.  “I’m ugly…all inside,” he whispered.  “What if…I’m no longer beautiful?”

Yuuri wanted to protest but knew Victor was testing the boundaries of unconditional.  “You would still be welcome.  This is your home for as long as you want it.”

Victor flicked his eyes around the tiny room.  “What if…I moved back in here, I didn’t sleep with you?”

Yuuri’s lips thinned but he nodded.  “Still your home.  I didn’t invite you here to warm my bed, Vitya.”

“I think…I need space.  I need…to figure this out.”

Yuuri nodded quietly as he watched the younger man before him, vulnerable to the point of cracking, and he fought the desire to haul him into his arms. “I’m here…when…and if you need me,” Yuuri stated quietly.  He watched Victor a few moments longer before leaving him alone.  Closing the door behind him, he forced himself to swallow down the knot in his throat.

Walking down the hall, he grabbed his computer and headed towards the attic.  He caught his sister’s eye as he pulled down the stairs.  She said nothing.  Just watched him disappear into the darkness above, pulling the stairs up behind him.

He moved to the most remote corner of the darkened attic where a futon was laid out.  He’d camped out up here before.  Reaching for the window, he cranked it open and let in some fresh air.  A breeze picked up a carried in the scent of early summer blooms.  For a while he just laid there staring out the window at the clouds tracking across the sky.

Pushing up, he opened his computer.

[LOST BOYS CENTRAL – Chat Logs]

Pan/  Who’s on?

Peaches/ I’m here.  What’s up?

Pan/ Rough day.

Peaches/ Anxiety?

Pan/ No.  That would be easy.

Peaches/ Victor?

Pan/ Yes.  It’s all…falling apart.  We were progressing just fine.  Now he’s shut me out.

Peaches/ Did you have a fight?

Pan/ No.  He just asked for space.  He moved back to his room.

Peaches/ Wait.  He wasn’t staying in his room?

Pan/ I guess I haven’t kept you up to date.  We’ve been sleeping together for awhile.

Peaches/ As in…sex? Or just sleep?

Pan/ Maybe a little of the first…a lot of the second.

Peaches/  O.O

Peaches/ I thought I was your best friend.

Pan/ You are.

Peaches/ Your bestest friend.

Pan/ Definitely.

Peaches/ How did I not know this?!!!

Pan/ It’s just…complicated.

Peaches/ Best friend!

Pan/ I know.  You’re right.

SexGod/ Just logged in a few moments ago.  What’s wrong?  You never come here, Pan.

Pan/ I know.  I think…I fucked up.  I just don’t know what to do to fix it.

SexGod/ With Victor?  Tell me what’s going on.

Pan/ He asked for space.

SexGod/ …

SexGod/ I think I need some context.

Peaches/ Same.

TakeIce/ He was fine all week.  What did you do?

Pan/ Oh.  We’re all here.

Pan/ He came from his last counseling session all cheery.  I think…I was waiting for the shoe to drop.

Pan/ But the happy mood continued.

Pan/ Then I found him crying in his room.

TakeIce/ His room.  Not yours.

Pan/ No.  Definitely his.  He seemed afraid I would kick him out.  I told him no matter what, this was his home as long as he wanted to be here.  Then he asked for space.

SexGod/ I think you are leaving something out.

SexGod/ You said he was happy.  Then he…crashed?

Pan/ Exactly.

SexGod/ What was going on before the counselor visit?

Pan/ He was sorting out some ideas that were brought up during the previous session.  He kept looking them up, and arguing against them.

SexGod/ and those were what?

Pan/ Transference. Codependency.  Submissive.  Dominant.

SexGod/ Can I call you?

SexGod/ Sorry, guys.  I think…I need to talk privately with Yuuri.

TakeIce/ That’s fine.  I just hate to hear that Victor is having a hard time.

Peaches/ You can call me, too, if you still need to talk Yuuri.

Pan/ Thanks.  Yes, Chris.  Please call me.

The cell phone rang a few minutes later.  “Chris?”

“Sorry for the delay, Yuuri.  I have Lawrie here, as well, since he has his own practice where I’m still in school.”

“Hi, Lawrie,” Yuuri greeted.

“Hello, Yuuri,” a warm voice greeted back.  “Your friend.  He had a sudden crash.  Chris showed me the chat log.  I hope you don’t mind.”

Yuuri tightened his lips but answered, “I am fine…I understand his motivation.”

“Did your friend resolve his definitions?” Lawrence asked.

“I…think so.  He said he didn’t want to be bound by those labels, though.  I feel the same way.  But maybe he hasn’t fully worked it all out.”

“What is he trying to work out, Yuuri?”

Yuuri chewed his lip as he considered the question.  “I guess…his identity.  He said he doesn’t have his own identity…that he’s spent his life pleasing everyone else.”

“He went from happy to sad like a flip of a switch,” Chris confirmed.

“Yes…exactly,” Yuuri answered before thoughtfully adding, “but…I think I expected it.  The happy…was sudden as well.”

Lawrence made an absent clicking sound as if he was digging through his thoughts.  “And he was trying to sort out codependency and submission.  Has anyone introduced the term interdependency?”

“N-no…what is that?”

“It’s the healthy opposite of codependency.  Interdependency still allows for lives to entwine but you each have autonomy.  You each share power equally.  You each take responsibility for your own actions, your own feelings, and your own contributions to the relationship.  But to achieve this, you each have to be able to function independently.  Self-esteem is an important factor.  When you are confident in yourself, you are able to honor each other’s differences, each other’s separateness, each other’s individuality.”

“I’ve been pushing him to be independent, to have autonomy but I’m worried I haven’t been helping him gain it.  Perhaps he’s fighting back against me.”

“It’s easy to cross the line with the intention of being supportive,” Lawrence suggested.  “However, recognizing the behavior and correcting it is the key to moving forward.”

“How do I help him establish his own sense of self?” Yuuri asked.

“He’s got to work it out…feeling safe will allow that.  You can’t feel hurt when he pushes you away.  Not if you want that independence.”

“So back off and wait,” Yuuri confirmed.  “Is there anything I should watch for?”

Yuuri heard the two men talking in the background before Lawrence returned with an answer.  “His depression.  It could be a symptom of long term abuse.  All of this.  His loss of sense of self.  His depression.  The forced happiness.  Does he have nightmares?”

“That’s what led him to my bed the first time.”

“Has his counselor talked to him about PTSD?”

“It’s come up but he’s only had two sessions.  I really…don’t know what happened in the last one.  I can attend the next one…if Victor wants me there.”

“If he pushes you out, you have to let him go.  Trust your counselor.  Does the counselor have a good reputation?”

“Yes.  My psychiatrist referred us.”

“Then…time.  And watch out for his depression.”

“Thank you, Lawrie, Chris.  I appreciate you both.”

“Of course, Yuuri.  Let me give you back to Chris.”

Chris returned to the line.  “Do you feel better?”

“Yes…somewhat.  Not powerless, at least.  Thank you for forcing the call.”

“I’ll tell the boys you’re okay.  You go check on Victor.”

“I will.  Thank you.”

Slipping back down the stairs, he went to Victor’s room to find the door open and Victor gone.  He looked in his room hopefully but he only saw empty spaces where Victor removed his belongings that worked their way into his room.  Sighing, he continued to search.  The onsen.  The meditation garden.  Finally, he asked his mother.

“He said he was going to take Makkachin to the beach,” she answered.

“Thanks, Kaa-san,” he responded.

She studied him.  “Is everything okay?”

Yuuri shrugged.  “I don’t know.  But I refuse to give up on him.  I just want to make sure he’s safe.”

“Okay.  Let me know if you need anything.  You don’t have to work through all of this alone.”

Yuuri smiled sadly.  Of course his mother was on his side.  “I will.  I need to go.”

Yuuri found him sitting on the beach.  The sun was starting to set.  He walked up quietly and sat down next to him.  Victor said nothing…just stared towards the sea.  After a few minutes passed, Yuuri felt a hand cover his.  “I’m sorry,” Victor whispered.

Yuuri shook his head in protest.  “Don’t be.  If this is what you need, then so be it.”

Victor tightened his jaw.  “I hurt you.  I didn’t mean to.”

Sighing, Yuuri explained, “If I was hurt, it was only because I wasn’t truly listening.  My concern now is that your sadness doesn’t overwhelm you.  Will you let me make sure you are alright?”

Victor turned to look at him, surprise registering in his features.  “You…are worried about me.”

“Of course,” Yuuri responded.  “Just because you need space doesn’t mean I stop caring.”

“I don’t know…what this means for us,” Victor confessed, his eyes dropping down to study their joined hands.  “I just know…something had to give.  I can’t keep giving if I have nothing of myself.”

“I…don’t know what you need, Victor.  But you asked me for space.  So I’m giving it to you.  I’m still here for you.”

“Thank you.  Will you…still come with me tomorrow?  I’m not sure what will happen.  I can’t go alone.  Not yet.  But…I will.  I need to be able to do this.”

“I will attend for as long as you need me there.  It…will be hard to let you go alone.  But if that’s what you need, I’ll respect that…when you are ready.”

“Thank you.  I’m trying, Yuuri.”  He wrapped his arms around his knees.

Yuuri studied the other man before deciding to press his suspicion.  “Vitya?  Were you truly happy this week?”

Victor shifted and darted his eyes away for a moment before answering.  “I think…I told myself a lie.  I thought I could convince myself to be happy.  I grabbed hold of a word.  Hope.  It seemed so powerful.  But then…I woke up and it was as if my breath was stolen from me.  I pushed through practice.  I thought if I kept moving forward.  But then…I couldn’t.  The lie came crashing around me.”

“There are no shortcuts to healing.”  Yuuri felt Victor squeeze his hand in response.  “If we rush this, it will fester inside of you.  I want you to truly be healed from the inside out.  I’ll be here when you are ready.”

“I don’t want to be that word .”

Yuuri considered that statement.  It was the same one Victor said as he left Hashimoto’s office.  “Which word has you so shaken, Vitya?”

Victor met his eyes.  “Codependent.  That’s the word that trapped me with Mikhail.  I need to be free of it.”

“Then do what you need to be independent,” Yuuri stated firmly.  “Then, if you want to intermingle our lives, we can learn a new word:  Interdependent.  But for now we can’t…not yet.  Not until you learn the first one.”

“Interdependent.”  Victor turned the foreign word over on his tongue thoughtfully.

Yuuri thinned his lips before nodding sharply.  “Sometimes we need new words…so we know which way to grow.  But…we aren’t ready for that yet.  One step at a time, Vitya.”

Victor nodded in agreement.  Whistling, he stood to receive Makkachin as she bounced back towards him.  He clipped her leash on.  “I’m going to walk some more.  I’ll be home later.”

Yuuri considered Victor’s words.  “I think…I’m going to go dance.  Maybe we’ll meet each other in the onsen later.”

A tiny smile flickered across Victor’s lips.  “Perhaps.”

They walked off in opposite directions…each seeking a piece of themselves they lost.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Unsteady

Yuuri felt sleep pulling away from him and he reached out to the other side of the bed to drag Victor into his embrace.  His hands found only empty sheets, which startled him fully awake.  Memories of the previous day seeped through his sleep groggy memory.  The brunette curled in on himself and allowed himself the luxury of tears for a few minutes.  He understood, but it was like having the world in his hands only for it to be taken away without warning.

He tried to go back to sleep but soon gave up.  Moving quietly across the hall, he showered and dressed comfortably for a jog.   Makkachin greeted him in the hall.  “Do you want to go out, Makka?” he whispered.  Grabbing the lead, he pulled out the reflective jacket and headband before slipping out for a run.

The air was nippy in the predawn morning.  Yuuri followed the lit path, lost in thought.  His bodyguards, Akio and Ryota, ran next to him saying nothing until they drew to a stop.  Yuuri stared across the view into the sleepy town.  “I want to continue the two and four split when Victor and I are separated.”

“Yes, sir,” Akio answered.  Ryota nodded stiffly.  The men blended so well into Yuuri’s life that to an outsider, this would simply appear to be three young men bent on fitness.   Both men had traveled and worked with him for years and were well aware of Yuuri’s habits, sleeping when Yuuri texted to say he was tucked in for the night but keeping their phones handy when Yuuri needed to go out.  It had been a while, though, since Yuuri sought early morning run time, and the break in routine didn’t go unnoticed.

“Thank you.  I may…have a few mornings like this,” he warned.

Ryota answered quietly, “It is never a problem, Katsuki-san.”

Yuuri nodded sharply, signaling their run to continue.  They flanked him as he came off the hill and headed back into town.  He ran past Minako’s bar, now dark and lifeless; her darkened studio and apartment; the sleeping skating rink.  An hour after he had set out he returned to the inn.  His detail fell off as he opened the door.  Securing it behind him, he removed Makka’s lead and hung it up.

A dim light signaled someone else was up early.  It was still an hour before his parents or sister would start their day.  He followed his feet into the kitchen and found Victor sitting over a cup of coffee.  He looked up, his hair tangled.  “Nightmare?” Yuuri asked quietly.

Victor shrugged noncommittally and sipped his coffee.  “Couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“Same.  I’ve already been out for a run.”

Victor nodded.  “I noticed Makka’s lead was gone and figured as much.”  Silence loomed between them.  Yuuri filled it with making breakfast and pouring his own cup.  Victor raised an eyebrow.  “Coffee?”

“I think I need something stronger than tea this morning.”

Victor nodded in agreement.  “I suppose we don’t have time to skate,” Victor murmured.

“We need to catch the train at 8:30.  That’s three hours from now.  I can set an alarm on my phone.”

“Do you mind?  I think…I need to feel the ice under my feet to ground me today.”

“Not at all.  Get ready while I clean up.”

Victor left the room while Yuuri washed the dishes and cleaned up the evidence of their presence.  He then went up to pack a gym bag with the clothes he would change into.  Hearing a tap on his door, he invited Victor in.  The younger man had his skate bag and a similar gym bag in hand.  “I grabbed clothes to change into.”

Yuuri looked up and noted the hasty braid.  He missed fixing Victor’s hair already.  “So did I.” Yuuri said quickly, pushing down his own longing.  “It will save time if we shower there.”

“Agreed.  Ready?”

“Yes.  Let’s go.  Akio has already called our detail and they’ll meet us there.”

Victor glanced up worried.  “Are we walking alone?”

“No.  Akio and Ryoka are already up because of my jog.”

“I don’t…think I realized you alerted them.  I thought they were just…there.”

“I text them when I’m up and when I’m in for the night. Give me your phone and I’ll add Takeo to your contacts.  He’s the lead for your detail.”

“Oh.  That will…help me to be more independent.”

“Exactly.  You can more readily come and go as needed.  And if…you need to go out at night, they’ll be there.”

“Do they sleep?”

“Yes.  I’ll draft out a schedule for you.  I have Akio and Ryoka every other day.  Then Shinoba and Azumi on the days in between.  I’ll make sure you learn the names of your detail today and the other one for tomorrow.  The lead for tomorrow is Kimiko.  She is…very good in a tight spot.”

“Kimiko.  Takeo.  And you’ll put them both in my phone?”

“Yes,” Yuuri confirmed.

“Perhaps…you can write it down in my notebook while we are on the train.”

“Of course.”  Their discourse felt forced because of the new distance, lacking the depth they had shared.  Yuuri fought the urge to sigh.  He missed the comfort of Victor’s warm teasing, his uncertain but curious questions, the way he wormed his way into Yuuri’s world.   One day, anata , we will move past this...then I will get to enjoy your presence, your warmth once more.

The rink welcomed them in its cold embrace.  The ice lay before them fresh and smooth.  Victor was on the ice before Yuuri had his skates tied.  He lost himself in unstructured circles.  Yuuri slipped into school figures watching the other man quietly.  He allowed his mind to drift and looked up suddenly to find Victor nearby.

Victor studied Yuuri’s skates thoughtfully.  “Why do you do school figures?”

“It…calms me,” Yuuri answered in open honesty.  “If I have a lot on my mind, it gives me structured routine.”

“Are you…not calm?” Victor asked, concern lacing his voice.

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “You’ve given me a lot to think about, Vitya.”  He saw the other man wince.  He reached out for Victor’s hand but then dropped his hand.  Victor watched that motion, a sad expression flitting across his face.  “Don’t worry.  We’ll…find our place.  Thinking isn’t bad.”

Victor chewed his lip guiltily.  “I still…feel like I hurt you and all you’ve been is kind.”

“Are you not also hurting?” Yuuri asked.

Victor slowly nodded.  “It feels wrong…to say so.  I asked for this.”

Yuuri lifted his hand once more but as he started to drop it, he felt the other hand take his.  He stared at the connection.  “I know you asked for this, that you need this.  I’m not angry.  When I help my father in the garden, we sometimes have to prune a tree because it isn’t growing in the best manner.  It hurts to remove those branches because they are alive.  However, in the end, the tree will be healthier.  It doesn’t mean…you don’t hurt, though.  It doesn’t mean you don’t miss the part that has become familiar.”

Victor swallowed and nodded wordlessly.

“You are allowed your pain.  I just…am still uncertain of some of your boundaries.  I don’t want to inadvertently cross them.  I…worry that I pushed you into a relationship you weren’t ready for.”

Victor shook his head.  “I jumped.  Too soon, but I was the one that jumped.  I craved…intimacy.”  He looked away, across the now marked ice.  “I still crave it.  I missed…waking with you next to me.”

“I missed you, too,” Yuuri admitted.  “This…won’t be easy.  That’s why I think we need to discuss hard and fast lines.  Perhaps with Hashimoto’s guidance we can figure out the boundaries.”

Victor nodded.  “I think…you are right.  He wants to talk to me about a therapy to help with my nightmares.  I think…I need to tell him about my crash yesterday.  I think…I’m still a little in it today,” he admitted.  “I don’t want to be selfish, Yuuri…but will you keep watch over me?”

“Yes…thank you for trusting me,” he whispered.

Victor looked into his eyes and held them for a meaningful pause before answering.  “It was never about trusting you, Yuuri.  I trust you…completely.  If anything, I don’t trust myself.  How can I…trust a stranger?”

Yuuri squeezed that hand.  “I know you even. If you are struggling to figure out who that is, I know you.  I don’t know if that helps.  I know what is real…and what is a masque.  I knew your happiness was covering something inside.”

A tear slipped down his cheek.  Finally, he whispered, “I’m not invisible.”

“No…you are not.  I think…you are just so used to putting everyone else before yourself…you forget to take care of you.”

Victor skated closer.  “Is it selfish…to ask for a hug?”

“No,” Yuuri murmured wrapping the other man in his embrace.  They stood like that for a few minutes when an alarm sounded from Yuuri’s phone.  “We need to shower and get on that train.”  Victor nodded, pulling away.

On the train, Victor pulled out his notebook and turned several pages.  Yuuri glimpsed some ugly scrawls.  The letters were unfamiliar, likely in Cyrillic.  But the emotion was raw.  Victor turned to the last page.  “This will be easy for me to find.”

Yuuri took out his phone and wrote down the information Victor needed.  He had introduced the day’s detail.  Akio. Ryoka. Takeo. Yasu, a woman. Tamotsu. Jiro, the youngest.  Victor knew the first two were Yuuri’s personal guards.  The rest watched over him.  He told Yuuri once more that he wished he’d split it more evenly.  Yuuri argued that the two guards had always handled the threats he faced in the past.

“There have been threats?”

“Not many.  A rabid fan or two.  One of Grandfather’s enemies thought to try and use me against him.  Also, I’m not without the skills to defend myself.”

“I…hadn’t thought about that.  I don’t know how…to fight.”

“I could teach you.  We could start with some basic defense skills.  Would that help?”

Victor looked over at him with surprise.  “I think…I’d like that.  A lot.  It will help me…to be more independent.”

“Good.  We can even call in the bodyguards and have the work with us.”  Yuuri smiled and Victor’s expression became serene.  Yuuri could see through the facade, and he felt the stress the younger man covered with that expression.  He settled his hand between them, offering but not crossing the space to take Victor’s.  He became aware minutes later when that other hand threaded into his.  Victor watched out the window, his shoulders tight.  Yuuri rubbed his thumb over Victor’s hand in a comforting motion.  He watched those silver lashes lower before he opened them and stared once more out the window.

Hashimoto greeted them and immediately picked up that something had changed in their dynamic.  He led them both into the room.  Victor moved purposefully to the seating area while Yuuri looked uncertainly between the sofa that Victor occupied and one of the two chairs.  It wasn’t until Victor met his eyes and touched the place next to him that Yuuri accepted the invitation.  Hashimoto watched this bizarre dance, hoping to understand what brought this change about.   Curious .

The psychologist brought the tea service and set it between them, offering each man a cup before settling back with his own.   “So tell me.  What has been happening?” he opened looking from one man to the other.

Yuuri dropped his eyes to the hands folded in his lap and waited for Victor.  Victor flicked his eyes over towards Yuuri’s folded hands then up to Hashimoto.  “We’ve…taken a step back,” Victor stated quietly.

Interesting .  “Okay.  What brought this about?” he prodded.

“I…need to learn how to be independent,” Victor began, his hand trembling slightly with his teacup.  “I don’t want to be…codependent.  It’s what held me prisoner for too long.  I need to figure out who I am before I can truly be part of a relationship.”

Hashimoto studied Victor for a few moments.  “You were struggling with definitions last visit.  Is this what you came to terms with?”

“Yes,” Victor confirmed.  “I’m still not certain about submission and how it applies to me but I know for sure that I do not want to be defined as codependent.  I want to move forward.  I…don’t want to be merely pleasing.  I want to take care of myself as well.”

Hashimoto took a sip of tea before responding.  “Those are very positive affirmations.  It sounds like you have had a breakthrough.”

“I think, though, it was at a cost.  I fell apart yesterday.”  He looked sadly towards Yuuri.  “And I hurt someone I care about.  Even if you understand, Yuuri, I hate that I hurt you.”

“I know,” Yuuri stated softly, reaching a reassuring hand out then pulling it back.  Victor thinned his lips as he watched that motion.  Hashimoto studied the two interacting nonverbally.  They were uncertain, not sure where their boundaries lay.

“In this step back, are you saying you are not going to pursue a relationship with Yuuri?” he clarified.

Victor looked up in surprise.  “N-no.  That’s not what I’m saying at all.  I want to be with Yuuri…but I don’t want to lose myself along the way.  And if I don’t understand myself, I’m in very real danger of doing just that.  I…disappeared for a few days.  I became pleasing Victor , doing what I thought everyone wanted and trying to convince myself I was happy.  But…I’m not.  That’s not who I want to be.”

“Who do you want to be?” Hashimoto prompted.

Victor played with the ends of his braid as he answered, “I want to be…myself.  Not what everyone else wants me to be.  And I need space and time to figure out who that is.”

“This is true,” Hashimoto agreed.  “However, I’m picking up on something still unresolved between the two of you.  Do you want to talk about that?  Both of you?”

Yuuri looked up and offered a sober smile.  “I want Victor to find himself as well.  I worry that I hindered that by offering the wrong kind of support.  I want to respect his boundaries but I’m not certain where they lie at the moment.  So, I’m constantly second guessing myself.  I also worry that my anxiety will make an appearance and cause more struggles.”

Hashimoto nodded sharply before turning to the other man.  “Victor?”

“I am willing to discuss my boundaries, the hard and fast lines you mentioned as well as the gray areas.  On one hand, it would be easier if we were still just friends.  I don’t think we can go back to that place.  But I can’t be your boyfriend for now, I can’t be your partner.  So…we are more than friends?” he questioned, searching, quirking his lip in confusion.  “Less than lovers?  Is that a place?”  Victor looked uncertainly from Yuuri to Hashimoto.

Yuuri said nothing.  Just dipped his head in acquiescence.  Hashimoto picked up the dialog.  “I agree that it is hard to go back to friends…especially when you both appear to want more.  However, I also agree that a step back is crucial at this point.  Keeping an open dialog will help you both to be on the same page.  Let’s talk about boundaries.  Victor, since you initiated this, what are your hard and fast lines?”

Victor studied his cup of tea while he assembled his thoughts.  “No sex…not while I’m figuring things out.  It’s hard for me to not move into pleasing mode when sex is involved and I can’t not be intimately involved in other ways when sex is involved.”  He glanced at Yuuri and saw that the man was studying him cautiously, not totally closing himself off but not completely open either.  “I think…kissing is too intimate for now as well.  Definitely nothing on the lips.  Touching…anything on the arms and hands I’m fine with.  Anything else with permission.”  He felt a hand reach out and take his as if he opened a door that Yuuri thought was closed to him.  

“I need touching,” he confirmed, adding to that “Otherwise, I feel anxious and depressed.”

Hashimoto observed the hands tighten up around one another.  “Yuuri, what are your hard and fast lines?”

“On the physical?  I’m fine…with touching.  However, I agree that kissing can get out of hand quickly and blur the lines.  Sex, of course, should be off the table.  Honestly, that was assumed.  When…and if…you are ready to move this relationship forward, Victor, we can revisit those items.”  He heard Victor hiss with the more formal use of his name but the other man said nothing.  Yuuri thinned his lips before adding, “Diminutive names and endearments...hold a higher degree of intimacy.  I hope...you understand...if I can’t engage in them at this moment.”  Victor nodded, his eyes wide.

Hashimoto considered them both before making suggestions.  “About space.  Do you each have a place that is personal to you?”

“Yes,” they both echoed.

“Good.  I suggest that you maintain those lines and not enter into the other’s space unless invited.  Anything else?”

“Personal time.  I need time to myself if I’m going to figure this out,” Victor stated.  “I will maintain my coaching times with you, Yuuri.  Skating.  Dancing.  Those are needed.  However, I need time to myself.”

Yuuri nodded quietly.  “Perhaps I need to reestablish some of my personal routines as well.  It will help me to clear my head.”

Hashimoto looked from one to the other.  “Remember to keep talking.  Time to yourself does not mean a shut down in communication.”

They both nodded.  At this point Hashimoto focused on Victor.  “Have you looked into the Imagery Rehearsal Therapy we discussed?”

“A little google research,” Victor stated.  “I am concerned that what I read said it could cause issues with PTSD…which was suggested in the first session.”

Hashimoto took out a notebook and began to write notes as he spoke.  “Before we begin, I’ll start with an evaluation to determine whether you have obstacles such as PTSD triggers that would suggest we take another route.  My colleague Sasaki-sensei that referred you to me uses EMDR therapy to work with PTSD patients.  EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing , is actually a useful tool for rapid healing of PTSD.  It is another therapy I would like us to look at but I’ve not completed the training to take you through the process myself.”  

Motioning to the room, he continued, “Here, we can work through Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or talk therapy, which can incorporate EMDR into the process if we decide to take that route.  During your next appointment, I’d like to focus on the evaluation process to determine what is the best course of action for you.  This may involve bringing in Sasaki-sensei.  However, I will remain as your primary therapist unless you indicate a need for a referral.”

“No.  I’m comfortable with you,” Victor protested.

“Good…because that’s the first requirement.  You need to be able to trust your therapist to move forward in treatment.  After evaluation, I may be adjusting the number of sessions to move you forward.  Also, if it involves Sasaki-sensei, we’ll have to work it into her schedule as well.  Are you ready to move forward?”

“Very!”

“Good.  Let’s talk about self-care in the meantime.  Continue journaling.  Increase connection with your family in Russia if it is safe.  Build on your support network here as well.  Exercise.  Relax…there are a number of techniques if you struggle with this.  Take time to yourself but don’t isolate yourself.  Avoid impairing substances such as alcohol or drugs.  And if caffeine impairs your sleep, reduce intake because rest is essential.”

“I only have coffee in the morning,” Victor assured him.  “Otherwise, herbal tea with Yuuri or water.”

“Good,” Hashimoto reinforced.  “Now, Yuuri.  Because of this step back, I’m going to ask you to not attend the next few sessions until invited back.  I know this may be difficult but empowering Victor is key to his independence.  If we need to look at couple’s therapy in the future, we can do that, but for now these sessions will focus on Victor and his recovery.”

Yuuri thinned his lips but nodded in agreement.  “Whatever is needed.  I still see Sasaki-sensei weekly for my own anxiety.  I want to support Victor in whatever way is best.  I don’t want to hinder his treatment.”

Hashimoto offered a small encouraging smile.  “Time.  That’s what we need.  Now, I’ve written down the other treatment for you to research, Victor.  Then we’ll discuss our course of action next Tuesday after we do a thorough evaluation.”  Glancing over to Yuuri, he added, “It will be a difficult session.  It would be best if someone accompanied him back home.”

“Tuesday is when I meet with Sasaki-sensei.  It should not be a problem,” Yuuri confirmed.

Victor was agitated on the train.  Yuuri reached over to take his hand and Victor grabbed hold of it.  Looking around he nodded to a couple of the guards to do a patrol.  “What’s wrong?” he whispered.

“I’m…not sure.  Maybe…because the decision of not bringing you along was taken from me.”

“I can still travel with you if you aren’t ready to make the journey on your own,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I can always browse around the bookstore while you are in your sessions.”

Victor nodded, still anxious.  Looking up as Akio and Takeo returned from their patrol.  “I guess…I’m never really alone when I’m out.”

“No, you are not,” Yuuri confirmed.

Victor took several deep breaths.  “It’s a lot of information.”

“I sometimes feel overwhelmed after a session.  What would calm your nerves more?  Skating, dancing, or taking a walk?”  Yuuri studied Victor trying to find the right course of action.

Victor focused on his hands, now hanging between his knees loosely.  “I think…I will skate.  We have to go to the rink to get our gear anyway.”

“It will be public session,” Yuuri reminded him.

Victor ran his fingers through his hair anxiously.  “No…I don’t want to be around people.  I…want to be alone.”

“Then tell me where you don’t want me to be,” Yuuri stated quietly.

Victor closed his eyes.  “I think…I’ll walk Makkachin.”

“Take your phone.  If you need me, call.”

“I will.”

Victor wandered along the shore lost in thought.  He was aware of his guard but they kept their distance.  Makkachin seemed to sense Victor needed her company and stayed close.   She periodically would brush against his hand, forcing Victor to tangle his fingers in her fur.  After wandering aimlessly, he sat down on a large rock and drew his knees to his chest.  Makkachin leaned against him.

“Everything I do eventually gets messed up, Makkachin.  I stay with Mikhail and he hurts me.  I leave Yuuri and it hurts both of us.”  Hugging Makka up between his legs, he buried his face into the poodle’s fur.  “I miss Yuuri.  I know I need to do this but that doesn’t make it easy.  Every moment I spend with him makes me want more.”

Makkachin lifted her nose and licked his cheek, using her nose against his neck to ground him.

“God, I’m thankful I have you, Makka.  You’ve been my one constant through everything since I lost my mother.”  He bent over and cried bitter tears of anguish.  He didn’t notice Takeo moving closer but keeping a respectful distance.

Yuuri entered the dance studio and clicked on music to dance off his own misery.  Stepping onto the floor with the piano music surrounding him, he slipped into another zone, turning, bending, embracing the song in loose movements, unstructured, spitting out his emotion like venom, hot tears flowing down his face.  He hated this.  The session ripped him apart but he couldn’t show it.  He had no relief.  He danced.

Looking at the phone he waited, hoping Victor would call.  Hours later, he left exhausted.  Makkachin greeted him at the door and he knew Victor was home.  His mother pointed towards the meditation garden, her expression worried.

Yuuri found Victor, the younger man’s red eyes telling.  He was certain his own matched.  They were both miserable.  Their eyes met and held.  Victor dropped his gaze first, focusing on the meditation garden.  Yuuri brushed a reassuring hand against Victor’s arm as if saying ‘I’m here...I know you want to be alone but I’m here if you need me.’  He offered a sad smile before returning, leaving the other to his solitude.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

Fight for You

The next morning they met in the kitchen, ready to run and skate.  Yuuri placed a dish in front of Victor and handed him a cup of coffee before sitting across the table with his breakfast and cup of tea.  “We’ll skate this morning but Grandfather wants us to meet him for lunch at two.”

Victor looked up surprised.  “Both of us?”

“Yes, do you mind?” Yuuri asked with a frown.  “Do you not want to go?”

Victor’s mouth opened in protest.  “I…I didn’t think you would want me there…with all that’s going on.”

Yuuri shrugged, taking a sip of his tea.  “Grandfather may pick up there is a bit of strain between us but he’ll likely chalk it up to new relationships.  It will be fine.  He asked for you.”

“Okay.  Then…I should go.”  Victor chewed his lip uncertainly before eating his breakfast.

Victor skated through his short program first but his emotions weren’t into it.  “Can I switch to King ?” he asked, skating to where Yuuri stood.  “I think…I can capture the spirit of that song better.  I am just not feeling Eros .”

A small, understanding smile answered the silver haired man.  “Of course.  Let me switch it.”  Soon King was playing through the speakers.  Victor skated through it from start to finish twice as Yuuri filmed it for a critique later.

Edging to Yuuri’s side, breathless, Victor asked, “Will you skate your program?”

Yuuri nodded.  His short program represented his past…when something was missing.   He looked wistful, wondering if Victor would be his future.  He wanted him to be, he still felt a part of his life, just on the boundary, edging the periphery.  But his anxiety kept the question teasing at the back of his mind.  Does Victor want him as a part of his life?  He still hadn’t shown Victor the long program.  He’d unveil it in time.  For now, his short program Chain of Memories played wrapping its melancholy sound around him, enveloping him.  It was so very appropriate for his mood on this day.

For so long, Yuuri was lost within himself, afraid to take a chance, afraid to risk losing everything.  His hesitance kept him drowning, lost in his own self-doubt, shying away from love over and over.  He wanted…Victor.  Always…Victor.  And now he worried he would lose…what he’d never found.  Until now.  It was so close, just out of reach.   Do you not see my love, Vitya?  I’d give you everything, every single piece of me, anata .  He paused his thoughts as he landed the jump.    But you never said you didn’t love me.  You only said you needed to love yourself… before you could love me .  I’ll wait for you.  I waited this long.  Because…for me there is only you.

When he stilled, his eyes rested on Victor who sat in the stands, his knees drawn to his chest.  Yuuri knew that look.  He did this when his emotions were too strong, overwhelming him, pulling in like a shield.  He skated to the edge.  “Vitya?”

“I-I’m okay,” the younger man murmured. “Your program…it’s much more powerful than in the past.  I could feel the song vibrating off of me.”

“So…no critique?” Yuuri asked quietly.

“I…didn’t pay attention to the technicalities,” Victor admitted.  “I was drawn in by the emotion.  I think…Yuuko filmed it.”

Yuuri turned, not realizing Yuuko had joined them.  “Hello, Yuuko-chan.  How are the girls?”

“With my mother.  I needed a day off,” she admitted.  “Victor asked if I’d film it so he could focus on watching you skate.  I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course.  Thank you,” he answered, accepting his phone from his friend.  “We’ll look them over this evening,” he added as he turned to Victor.  “Let’s get ready for lunch with Grandfather.”  The other man unfolded himself and nodded.

Victor seemed shy and Yuuri held back, not wanting to intrude on his space.  They entered the locker room and Victor moved to the opposite end to undress and shower.  Yuuri thinned his lips.  He wanted to go to him, to pull the Russian into his arms.  Victor stayed just out of reach.

Once they showered and groomed, they stashed their gear into lockers, planning to walk directly to where they would meet Katsuki Takehiko.

The old restaurant was partitioned into rooms for privacy.  Yuuri and Victor were guided to the room where Grandfather waited for them.  The patriarch greeted them warmly, motioning for them to sit.

“I’ve ordered already,” he announced.

Yuuri smiled warmly.  “Of course you did, Sofu.”

“Have you been skating?” the old man asked noting the flush still present on Yuuri’s cheeks.

Yuuri nodded.  “I’m working on a program I’m hoping to debut at Nationals.”

“That’s good to hear.  I would miss seeing you on the ice.  You are far too young and talented to retire.”

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “I never planned to retire.  Not yet.  Hopefully I have three or four more years in me.”

The meal continued to go smoothly until the third course when Victor who had been chewing on a thought finally spoke up.  “Sir, I know you’ve provided a security detail for Yuuri and myself.  Yuuri has weighed that detail heavily on myself leaving himself with only two to watch over him.”

The old man raised an eyebrow.  Yuuri’s jaw tightened into a stubborn set.  “Two has always been enough,” Yuuri stated tightly.

“I disagree,” Victor pressed, turning towards the older skater.  “You think Mikhail would only hurt me.  However, you took away his possession .  He could retaliate against you.  I’m not sure what other threats you face, but this one I know.  Mikhail is not to be underestimated.”

The old man looked from one to another.  Something has changed in the meek Russian.  Perhaps the boy has a backbone after all.  He knew his grandson.  Although Yuuri would never intentionally hurt those around him, he has a stubborn streak.  That stubbornness fed into his success but it often caused him to be careless about his own safety.  It was a familiar argument, one he himself had with his grandson more than once.  “Yuuri, I believe there is merit in your friend’s argument.  I can spare a few more men.”

Yuuri gave an exasperated sigh.  “I don’t need more men,” he gritted.  “I’ve discussed this over and over, with both of you.”

His grandfather raised his eyebrow.  “Indulge me, then,” he suggested.  “It will allow an old man to sleep better at night…and perhaps your partner as well.”

Yuuri shot a look to his grandfather knowing he’d been properly manipulated in a corner.  “Fine,” he relented.  “But only when we go out of town.  Fukuoka on Tuesdays and Fridays and when we start to travel for competitions.  There are enough of your people scattered about town that I know you always have several pairs of eyes on me.”

The old man nodded before looking at Victor.  “Will this settle things with you as well, Victor-san?”

“Yes, sir.  Thank you for hearing me.”

The old man unexpectedly covered Victor’s hand.  “I understand that my grandson can be stubborn.  However, in this matter I readily agreed.  And please, call me Sofu or Grandfather.”  Takehiko shot a look at Yuuri from the corner of his eyes and knew only polite Japanese manners prevented the other man from rolling his eyes.  He allowed himself the luxury of amusement.

Victor’s hand trembled but he nodded, speechless for a moment.  “Of course…”  He hesitated uncertainly, peeking up from beneath his lashes. “Grandfather.”  The old man smiled happily in response and Victor visibly relaxed.

They walked back in silence.  Victor kept casting glances in Yuuri’s direction, fear starting to creep up his spine.  Finally, he couldn’t hold back.  “Yuuri?”

“It’s fine,” Yuuri stated, his voice still tight.

Victor reached out and grabbed Yuuri’s arm.  The other man froze in his steps.  “You are angry,” he acknowledged, jerking his hand back uncertainly.

“I’m allowed to be angry,” he answered, his jaw set.  Victor flinched and Yuuri felt remorse that he caused this.  He took several breaths, calming himself, closing his eyes.  Finally he turned to look at Victor.  “Even if I am angry, I will not hurt you.  I’ll never raise a hand against you.” Sighing, he added, “We won’t always agree.  And I know I can be stubborn.  However…it is good that you feel you can stand up to me.  I will never hold it against you.”  Yuuri shrugged, offering a small smile as he warned, “I may pout, though.  I have a petulant side when I don’t get my way.  It doesn’t mean that I should.  I’m strong willed.  Sometimes I close myself off to other arguments.”

“Sometimes you’re wrong,” Victor stated quietly.

Yuuri nodded.  “I know.  Let’s let it go.  You won this argument but I don’t keep score.  It really is…fine.”

Victor smiled, tiny but present, returning his hand to Yuuri’s arm.  “I couldn’t do this…before.  Stand up to…him.”

“I want you to stand up to me, to fight me if necessary,” Yuuri stated firmly.  A part of him warmed to the fact that Victor would defy him…and defy him in defense of himself.  Even if Victor was withholding the words, this action shouted love.  He reinforced Victor’s actions with his next words, “I should not be allowed to run roughshod over you.  I just didn’t expect this to be the fight you’d pick.  I know it must be important for you to push me to that extent.  Therefore, I will relent.  I’ll accept the compromise Grandfather and I discussed.”

“Thank you,” Victor whispered.  Yuuri reached up a hand and covered Victor’s hand on his arm.  That reassurance tugged another smile from the blonde.  He dropped his head but Yuuri caught a glimpse of the shy smile and Victor biting his lip as it fell.

“Do you want to dance?”  Yuuri watched Victor shift.  Victor lifted his eyes and Yuuri could see the uncertainty.  “Would you prefer time to yourself?” he offered alternatively.  “I’ve monopolized most of your day.”

Victor nodded.  “It’s just that…” he began, his words fading.

“It’s okay,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I know you are working through this, that you need time.  It’s just easy for me to slip into old habits, keeping you close.  If I...overstep...feel free to call me on it.  There is no pressure.”

Victor tilted his eyes up, a smile playing at his lips.  “I will try not to hide away so long.  Perhaps...we can have a late dinner?”

“How about eight?  Home or somewhere out?”

“I’ll meet you at Minako’s,” Victor answered.  “The bar, not the studio,” he answered.

Yuuri nodded, watching the man slip away but warmed by the promise of later.

The trail behind the Inn held more than fireflies Victor discovered as he explored it that afternoon.  He found a platform with a bench railing further down the trail.  He laid down on it and stared at the clouds for awhile.  Victor sat up and wrapped his arms around Makkachin as he watched the butterflies flutter around the wildflowers.

Who am I?

Victor shifted uncertainly.  Every time he asked that question, he felt more broken and fragile.  Maybe it’s the wrong question.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be more.

For the longest time, the only part of me that I’ve owned has been my figure skating.  I love skating.  I don’t want to give that up.  But...I want to be more.

Do I want to go to college?

Not really.

How do I expand on myself?  What makes me more?  What do I like to do?

I like dancing with Yuuri, helping him build a program, designing the costume to go with it, thinking about the makeup, how I’d fix my hair.  It’s more than just skating, it’s creating.

I need to create.

I want to know the whole process.

What else?

Where else do I feel so comfortable?

Cooking with Hiroko.  It...calms me.  I enjoy finding new recipes.  I love watching her dance while she prepares a meal, listening to her tell stories of her family, the sense of family.

I cooked with my mama.  Hiroko makes me think of her, Anastasia Nikiferova, before she became ill, before she started to slip away from me.  I didn’t even know she was sick at first.  Mama.  Why didn’t you tell me?  You were there...then you were gone.

How long did you live with that secret?  Hodgkin’s Disease.  It should have been treatable, survivable.  Maybe you held onto that hope...until you couldn’t hold onto it any longer.  You spent your life setting me up for mine.

Did I squander it?

I’ve lost three years.  I don’t plan to lose any more.  I want...fullness.  I don’t want to shrink back in fear.

He sighed to Makka, turning their steps back towards the inn.  He returned to his room and cleaned up.  Looking at his phone, he knew it was time to head towards Minako’s.

Victor found Yuuri seated at the bar talking with Minako and drying glasses.  He looked up and smiled as the silver haired man approached.  Victor took the seat next to him.

“What will you drink?” Minako asked.

Victor frowned.  “What do you recommend?  Just to take the edge off of my thoughts.”

She reached up and took a glass down and filled it with a liquid she called shochu.  Victor tasted the drink and appreciated the earthy flavor, nodding with approval.  Soon they had a plate with karaage and another dish was placed between them holding goma-ae.  They dipped the vegetables into the sesame dressing provided as they talked casually with Minako.  

Victor found himself relaxing into the atmosphere, when he heard the word behind him.  The inflection was present but Victor could not mistake the loan word - gei .  He glanced towards Yuuri and knew his...partner?...was very aware of what was being said even if Victor only had a hint.  Minako stepped forward and demanded they leave.  A few more words were tossed back and forth and Yuuri found himself rising to stand beside Minako.

Victor watched, darting his eyes back and forth.  He knew fighting was frowned upon by the ISU.  He also knew this situation was escalating.  He glanced around and caught the eye of his bodyguards and nodded in the direction of Yuuri.  They nodded and stood their ground, indicating they were aware.

It took a signal from Yuuri to indicate they were to step forward.  Azumi and Kimiko placed their hands on the two belligerent men.  Words were exchanged in Japanese.  Shinoba and a couple of other bodyguards stepped forward to make it more convincing.  The two men were escorted from the bar before Minako returned behind the bar and Yuuri took his seat.

“I’m sorry, Victor,” Minako apologized.  “Those were the men that Mari-san fought the other night.”

Victor’s mouth opened and he turned to look at Yuuri.  The brunette smiled reassuringly.  “It would have been fine.  I just prefer not to fight because of regulations.  I have bodyguards for a reason.”

“What were they saying?” Victor asked flatly.

Yuuri sighed, shifting awkwardly.  “They were talking about you,” he answered quietly.  “Calling you a lady and a few derogatory words.  That’s when Minako asked them to leave.  It was when they...threatened you that I stepped in.  Apparently the talk they received by Grandfather’s men wasn’t enough.  We’ll stay here until the rest of our guard returns, then we’ll walk home.”

“You were willing...to fight for me?”

“If needed, without question.  You would fight for me,” he stated with certainty.

Victor studied his drink, his emotions whirling around him, heaviness settling on his shoulders.

“Are you...upset with me?” Yuuri asked uncertainly.

Victor hesitated but then shook his head.  “I’m just upset it happened at all,” he whispered quietly.  “I thought...here we wouldn’t have to deal with this.  It gets bad in Russia.  Worse than this.  But...I didn’t know...I guess there is bigotry everywhere.”

“I’m sorry...I would prefer you never see the ugly side of life,” Yuuri murmured.  He spotted Kimiko entering with the others.  “Do you want to go home?”

Victor nodded.

Yuuri paid the bill.  The guard stayed close for the walk home.  Victor was quiet, the easy mood lost between them.

Chapter Text

Incomplete

Yuuri frowned, drawing to a stop on the ice as he glanced towards the door.  No sign of Victor.  Akio already contacted Takeo to set Yuuri’s mind at ease.  Still, it wasn’t good for Victor to avoid skating.  He woke up that morning to find Makka and Victor both gone, freshly washed dishes next to the sink indicating he had breakfast and left.  Yuuri made breakfast and went on a five mile run before arriving at the rink.  No sign of Victor.  Two hours passed and still no sign of Victor.

He pulled his phone out and texted.

Yuuri/ Are you skating?

Yuuri stared at the screen for far too long while waiting for a reply.  It wasn’t until he was putting the phone away that it finally vibrated in his hand.  He took it out and read the message.

Vitya/ I will later.  Talking with Yakov.

Oh.  It was Sunday.  Where did their week go?

To Hell …or at least that was his initial answer.  Things seemed to ease up between them...until the problem at the bar.  The ugliness of the outside world and the bigotry of some people caused Victor to withdraw into himself.  Yuuri reminded himself that this was good for Victor.  He needed the space.   Independence .  He needed independence.  “Vitya,” he whispered under his breath, pushing through the heaviness.  Well, if it was going to be awhile, it was a good time to rehearse his free skate.  Inserting the music, he sighed.  This was going to be hard.  He closed his eyes.

A love letter.

To Vitya.

Written in a language both of them spoke.

The music began.  He opened his eyes, focusing on the initial movements, feeling the emotion, lifting his head as the words flowed.  He allowed his arms to sweep outwards and then into a motion of prayer.  Sweeping out into a beautiful motion, transitioning into the first jump, he let his thoughts slide into the words.  

With you, Vitya, I’m so undone.  If you let me in, to love you, I will always choose you, forever…I know it seems fast for you…but I’ve loved you for the last five years.  I want to support you, lift you, be a part of you.  You are my journey, Vitya…you are my life, my love, anata.

Lifting his head, he saw Yuuko standing next to the barrier, tears running down her cheeks.

She pulled her hands up to her cheeks.  “Oh, Yuuri!  That was so beautiful!”

Yuuri skated to the edge.  “Just don’t breathe a word of it to Victor.  I haven’t shared it with him yet.”  Closing his eyes, he swallowed before his voice broke.  “It’s so messed up right now, Yuuko.”

She placed a hand on his arm.  “Yuuri…you have to believe in your love.  He will come back around.”

“What if I completely pushed him away?  He didn’t come to skate this morning.  He’s already pushed me so far out.  Skating was our safe zone.”

“Yuuri…you have to give him time.”  She squeezed his arm.  “I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you aren’t looking.  That love hasn’t diminished.  He’s working through something but he’s trusting you to be there when he comes out the other side.”

“I will,” Yuuri whispered.  He drew a shuddering breath.

That afternoon, Victor skated through his programs while Yuuri critiqued them.   Eros seemed broken and forlorn.   King was better but still the sadness wound around it like a cancer.  Yuuri felt broken for Victor, seeing his love’s pain in his skating, recognizing his own pain in the movements.  How did it come to this?

Victor held onto Makka’s leash as he made yet another journey around the town, his thoughts as circular as his walks.  He’d avoided skating that morning using Yakov as an excuse, unable to face Yuuri in the state of mind he woke up with.  It had barely improved when he met Yuuri that afternoon.  He knew his mood was rolling off of him and worried how it was affecting Yuuri.  He hated that Yuuri blamed himself for the state in which Victor found himself.

What…could he do?

Where…could he go?

Who…could reach him?

Victor lost himself once more in the evening air, wandering aimlessly as he struggled through his thoughts, the feeling of being lost.  He knew he should talk to Yuuri.  He didn’t know what to say.  He was no closer to figuring things out then when he fell apart Thursday.  If anything, he was worse.  He felt trapped in the crash of emotions, drowning.

Once more he found himself alone at the beach.  He took a deep breath in.  It burned, a sharp feeling shuddered through his chest.  Is this what heartbreak felt like?  He didn’t feel this with Mikhail .  I didn’t love Mikhail.  Victor’s eyes widened, startled in the realization.   I never loved him.

I love Yuuri.

But what do I have to offer him?

Who am I?

I’m…lost.

Victor dropped down into the sand and drew his knees to his chest, sobs shuddering through him.  He remained like that, sobbing for what seemed like an eternity.

A hand slid down his back and he looked up in surprise.  Yuuri stood behind him.  Just barely in reach.  Grounding him.  Victor turned, climbing up Yuuri’s body, reaching for him, burying himself in Yuuri’s chest.  The other man held onto him, silent but sure, supporting him as he broke down, bearing his shudders even though he himself felt pain.  It wasn’t fair.  But Victor couldn’t turn away.  He clung to the other man.

They walked back in silence.  Victor held onto Makka’s leash with one hand and Yuuri’s hand in the other.  Not a word passed between them.  He didn’t know how Yuuri knew he needed him…but suspected it had something to do with Takeo.

They arrived at the house and Yuuri unhooked Makkachin from her leash, hanging it up as Victor removed his shoes.  Yuuri added his own shoes to the rack, straightening Victor’s automatically, his hand lingering on them a moment, his expression unreadable.  Victor waited.  He needed Yuuri’s presence to ground him.

Yuuri looked up and held out his hand.  Victor held onto it and they walked quietly up the stairs.  They walked past Yuuri’s door and when they approached Victor’s, Yuuri turned him down an odd juncture in the hallway.  Reaching up, he pulled down a set of folding steps.  He led the way then turned and held his hand out to Victor.  Victor followed.

Yuuri led him past piles of storage boxes until they came to a futon below a window.  Sitting, he patted a place next to him before turning to open the window.  “This is my safe place,” Yuuri murmured, finally breaking the silence.  “I have several.  I retreat and dance at the studio when frustrated or angry.  Or I skate off my anxiety at the rink.  This…is where I hide when the world crashes around me, when my sorrows are too great.  My sister knows when I am ‘cleaning the attic’ it means the space in my head…although I literally duck up into the attic to do so.  I’ve noticed you retreat to the beach.”

“The sound of the ocean reminds me of home…especially when I hear the seagulls.”

“Are you homesick?”

“That’s…part of it.  I’m finding it hard to figure out who I am so far from anything familiar.  That seems…strange to say.  Since I’ve come here you and your family have done everything to make me feel at home.  I don’t want to return to Russia.  But…I feel…homeless.  Lost.”  Victor felt the tears shuddering through his chest and he pressed his hand against his sternum.  Yuuri reached for him and pulled him into the space between his legs, both men turned to face the window and, through it, the moon.  He felt Yuuri’s breathing through his back, that breath providing a rhythm, steady and constant, grounding him.

“When I was in Detroit, for a long time I had a disconnect.  I didn’t speak the language well and it was a struggle to follow conversations with the native speakers.  Yet, I knew some words, enough to get by.  I cannot imagine what you are going through.”

“I’ve picked up some phrases.  Some are too difficult to decipher.  Japanese is so complicated, so abstract at times.”

“Sometimes…I struggle with English because the words don’t go far enough; it lacks the ability to adequately state the complex thought in my head.  I stumble through a mixture of English and Japanese trying to get the idea out.”

Victor relaxed in Yuuri’s arm.  He needed this touch.  He found his eyes closing.  Yuuri remained still, quiet, holding him, his fingers on Victor’s forearms drawing slow circles on his skin.  Victor felt himself calming, his chest losing the tightness that seemed clamped down around it all day.

“You’re in mourning,” Yuuri said finally.

Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t taken the time to mourn the life you left behind.”

“It was a nightmare…why would I m-?”

“It wasn’t all a nightmare.  You had a family.  You had a past, a history.  Familiar places.  Things stripped away from you one at a time, bit by bit.  I didn’t recognize it at first.  You couldn’t give into it until you finally felt safe.”

Victor’s lips parted.  “That’s why I can’t seem to stop crying?”

“Part of it,” Yuuri confirmed.  “The rest of it…you miss us.  Just as I do.”

Victor sniffed and nodded.

“I haven’t gone anywhere, Vic-Vitya.  I’m still here.  Trust that I will be here when you get through this.  There is nowhere else I want to be.”

“I…don’t want to be anywhere else, either,” Victor whispered.

Yuuri tightened his arms around Victor’s waist and the younger man could feel the press of Yuuri’s cheek against his head, felt the brush of a nose and knew he was fighting the urge to kiss him.  He craved that kiss but knew it would be his downfall.  It was too soon.  Victor slid his hand over the top of Yuuri’s hand.  He needed this, though, if only to help him hold it together.

“Thank you,” Victor whispered.  “For sharing your secret place with me.  For finding me in the darkness.”

“I will always seek you out, I can’t leave you to wander in the darkness,” Yuuri murmured, his cheek resting against Victor’s head.  “I want to help you find your way to the light but I know I can’t…so I will ground you so that you can find strength to continue your journey through that darkness.”

“It’s more than I deserve,” Victor whispered.

Yuuri’s arms tightened once more.  “It’s everything you deserve,” he insisted in a harsh whisper.

Victor lowered his head, feeling fresh tears…but different.  These tears felt like they were cleansing him, washing away the pain that he had struggled through that day.  He knew Yuuri hurt as well and wished he had the strength to return the support.

“I’m okay,” Yuuri whispered as if reading his mind.  “I have friends, family.  I just need to know you are okay.”

“I-I am.”  He still had a long journey but it now felt in reach.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Hold Back the River

Yuuri and Victor walked quietly back to the train.  Victor was lost in thought after their appointments.   Finally, he reached out and grabbed Yuuri’s arm. “Yuuri.  Stop.”

The other man stilled his steps and turned towards Victor, concern written across his face.   “What is it, Vitya?”

“I need…someplace to process…everything.  I can’t face the train…and all of those people.”

Yuuri considered his surroundings before nodding.  “Let me take you to the pier.  It’s not so crowded and the sound of the ocean and seagulls might calm you.”

Victor offered him a small smile and nodded.  Threading his fingers into Yuuri’s, he followed the brunette as he turned their steps.  They stopped at the edge of a dock and Yuuri dropped down to sit, dangling his legs over the edge.  Victor glanced around, seeing a couple of older men fishing, a family walking around with the children pointing in the distance, the bodyguards studying their surroundings.  Finally, Victor joined Yuuri, dropping his legs over the edge.

Yuuri reached over and entangled their fingers once more.  “Do you want to talk or the quiet?” he offered softly.

Victor drew his breath in and let it out slowly.  “He’s going to increase my appointments, adding in a day…with Sasaki.  I have C-PTSD because of the prolonged abuse.  He believes the best way to deal with my PTSD is through the EMDR therapy.  He’s going to do this in conjunction with the talk therapy. If the nightmares persist, we’ll look at the other approach but he feels the EMDR will help me through them both.”

“Do you know when your appointment with Sasaki-sensei will be?”

Victor shook his head.  “His receptionist will call me but he asks that I be flexible.  I don’t know…practice, competitions are looming.  How are we going to get it all together?”

Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “We can practice in the evening if necessary.  After open skate.  And on the days they are closed, we can practice anytime.  Are you…okay with competing?”

Victor nodded.  “I need to compete.  I can’t let him win,” he stated emphatically.

A smile came to Yuuri’s lips at the assertion.  “Then we’ll find a way to make it all happen.”  Yuuri studied the ocean and started when he felt Victor drawing closer to his side.  His fingers slipped out of Victor’s and went around the younger man’s waist, resting on his hip.  Victor mirrored the action resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder.

After the train delivered them back home they skated until dinner, returning to the rink after their meal.  They fell into their respective beds exhausted. But Yuuri could see improvement in Victor’s skating, as if a fog had been lifted, emotion returning, the story starting to solidify once more.

Yuuri woke up, reaching for his glasses, and his eyes could see Victor standing by the door, his eyes hollow, fear vibrating down his body.   Another nightmare.  He started to raise the blanket to invite him in.   No.  That’s where this went wrong.  This is not the appropriate response.  He pushed the blankets back and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

Walking towards Victor, he pulled the man into an embrace.  “Nightmare?”  He felt a nod against his neck.  “How about I fix you a cup of tea?”  He felt Victor step back and look up at him in surprise.  His features relaxed and he nodded once more.  Yuuri took his hand and guided him down the stairs.

They entered the kitchen and Victor sat across the bar from him.  Yuuri heated the water while he selected an appropriate blend.  “This is what my mother fixed for me when I woke up with bad dreams,” Yuuri murmured.  “I had night terrors when I was little.”

“I didn’t know that,” Victor whispered.  “Do you know what caused it?”

Yuuri shook his head.  “It started after I spent a week in the hospital.  I became really ill...running a high fever.  They never figured out what caused it although I was checked for everything from meningitis to leukemia.  The spinal tap was the scariest part.  Not because of what they did but because I couldn’t see them.  My mother was holding my hand and watching them.  Then, I saw her turn pale and pass out.  All they could determine was my white cell count was up.  They called it a virus…but they could never give us any true explanations.”

“How old were you?”

“Around six.  I was quite small.”  He placed the cup before Victor.  “Try this.”

Victor sipped the white tea mixture before nodding in approval.  Yuuri took his own cup and sat across from him.  “Would it help to talk about it?”

Victor thought about it and shrugged.  “Maybe.”  He took another sip and drew a shaky breath.  “Some nights, it’s just memories.  I’m back there, reliving some torment or torture he dragged me through, but I wake up and as I realize where I am, I know I came through it.  I’m okay.  That’s been the last few nights.  I could turn over and go back to sleep.  Tonight, though,” Victor paused, a shiver sliding over him, “is like the first time I came to your side, Yuuri. It’s…the future…a possibility.  Somehow in those dreams he gets me away from you.  Sometimes, in the dream, he…hurts you,” Victor takes in a sharp breath, fighting off a sob.  “I don’t know how many times you’ve been shot in my dreams.”

Yuuri took a quick intake of breath realizing now why it was so important to Victor that he up his guard.  Victor continued in a stuttered whisper.  “He…hurts me but in those dreams, I feel trapped, like there is no more escape, Yuuri.  I wake up terrified, unable to shake it off.”

Yuuri leaves his cup on the counter and walks around to pull Victor in his arms, the trembling shaking the Russian to his foundation.  “I’m here.  It’s okay.  You’re safe.”

“I know,” Victor responds, his head buried in Yuuri’s chest.  “I’m safe for now.  That’s the problem.  I don’t…believe it will last forever.  I feel like I’m storing moments, waiting for it all to come to an end.  I…couldn’t bear it if something happened to you, Yuuri.  I’d never recover.”

Yuuri stepped back, taking Victor’s face in his hands.  “Nothing’s going to happen to me,” Yuuri tried to reassure him.

Victor smiled weakly.  “I know…you want to believe that.   I want to believe that.  But…I’m afraid.  I…I love you,” he stated, his hand coming up to rest on Yuuri’s chest.

Yuuri realized at this point that the hard and fast boundaries were gone.  He leaned forward, needing to kiss him.  He brushed one kiss then another, Victor responding, keeping the kisses on the surface, just tasting each other’s presence, each other’s love, grounding themselves.

At some point, they realized they were dancing, slowly swaying back and forth in one another’s arms, dancing to some soft melody that flowed between their hearts, unheard by anyone but felt by both of them.  Victor’s head nestled into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

After he calmed, Yuuri walked Victor back up the stairs, tucking him into his bed.  With a tender brush of his fingers across Victor’s cheek, he slipped from the younger man’s room, leaving him to sleep.  Pursing his lips, he remembered the cups and went back down to clean up before returning to his own bed.

They wrapped up skating practice early the next morning as Yuuri called a halt.  “Let’s break until tomorrow.”  Victor started to protest but Yuuri raised a hand.  “No, you are tired.  I don’t want to risk injury.  We’ll return tomorrow.  If you want to work on choreography, we can go to Minako’s place.”

Victor hesitated then nodded.  “I just want to be ready.”

“Trust me, Vitya.  You will be.  We’ve got enough time.”  Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “Go change.”  Yuuri pulled off his skates and put them in his bag.  He wore sweats and a long sleeved red t-shirt that day under his jacket.  He pulled his gloves off and dropped them into the bag with his skates.  He could feel his own exhaustion, emotionally drained from the week they had struggled through.  Victor was slowly opening back up to him.  Then…they kissed.

Victor dropped down next to him.  “What’s wrong?”

Yuuri smiled, taking his hand.  “Overthinking.  It’s fine.”  Looking up at Victor, he pursed his lips.  “Do you want to go out?  On a date?”

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  “We haven’t…done that.  How did we skip that?”

“We spend so much time together that intimacy grew before we were ready.  Let me take you out.  I’ll pick you up at your door.”

“Where?  What do you want to do?” Victor fired off questions excitedly tugging a smile at Yuuri’s lips.

Yuuri touched Victor’s lips.  “Shhh.  Let it be a surprise.  Dress for a casual date, informal.”

Victor smiled drawing his shoulders together, closing his eyes.  “I’d like that.  I love surprises.”  Pleasure vibrated off of him and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile.  “When?”

“Is tonight too soon?”

Victor shook his head.  “No,” he giggled.  “My coach called practice so I should be free,” he teased.

Yuuri grinned in response.  “You’ll have fun.  Trust me.”

Minako provided him with a great date suggestion.  His mother found him in the kitchen assembling a meal.  She chuckled, slipping an arm around him.  “Do you want my help?”  Yuuri explained what he wanted and they worked side by side, humming with a bit of a dance in their step.

His father met him on the stairs and pressed a bottle in his hand.  “Here,” he insisted.  “You need wine for a date.”  Yuuri smiled and thanked his father.

Yuuri sat in his room a nervous wreck when he heard the door open and close.  A cup of tea was placed before him and he looked up to see Mari.  He gave her an appreciative smile.  “What was I thinking?  I don’t know what to do on a date.”

His sister chuckled warmly.  “You’ll do fine.  The man is already smitten with you.  You are just showing your appreciation.”

“I…suppose.   What if he hates what I have planned?”

“The boy loves just sitting in the garden with you, walking along the beach with you.  I think whatever you have planned will be wonderful.  Relax.”

Yuuri looked up as if to say have you forgotten who I am ?  He turned back to his closet, pulling out another shirt, then shaking his head and returning it back to the rod.  Finally, he felt hands on his shoulder.  “Sit, little brother.  Let me pick your outfit.”  Soon he had a maroon sweater, light colored patterned button up, and brown pants.

Yuuri raised an eyebrow.  “Are you sure?”

“It’ll be cool tonight.  You’ll appreciate the sweater.  And if it gets too warm, then just tie it around your shoulders or waist.”

Yuuri nodded, pulling on the clothes, picking up the shoes she laid out to go with it and carrying them with him.

He tapped on the door.  There was a hesitation then it opened to reveal Victor in khaki’s and a plaid button up with a mixture of the orange, berries, and maroons.  He held a pair of pink sneakers that made Yuuri smile.  “You said casual,” Victor murmured a little embarrassed, uncertainty shifting his steps.

“You still look stunning,” Yuuri stated shyly, reaching out to slide his fingers into Victor’s.

“So do you,” he answered, straightening Yuuri’s glasses with his free hand.  “I like this sexy librarian look you have going on here.”

Yuuri blushed profusely, accented by a shy smile.  He was awkward but that seemed to charm Victor who stood much more confidently before him.  “Shall we go?”

Victor nodded.  “Where are we going?” he asked.

Yuuri chuckled.  “You’ll see.”

Makkachin met them at the door and Yuuri laughed warmly, running his fingers through her curls.  “Maybe next time, Makka,” he murmured.  Shoes on, they slipped outside into the night air.

“What’s in the backpack?” Victor asked, curiously eying the leather pack Yuuri casually slung over his shoulder as they stepped out the door.

“You will see.”  They walked along the sidewalk that ran above their favorite beach and paused to watch the sun set slowly beneath the horizon.  Victor leaned against Yuuri’s shoulder, a contented smile on his face.  As the final rays lit up the sky, Yuuri turned Victor and led him on down the path.

The path opened up to a park setting and Yuuri guided him off the sidewalk and down a smaller path.  They broke through trees and Victor’s eyes widened as he took in an amphitheatre with a show about to commence.  Yuuri guided Victor to a grassy area, the ground pitched to make the theatre visible.  It wasn’t crowded.  Small groups and couples seemed to occupy private spaces as the crew made last minute preparations for the performance.  Yuuri pulled off his backpack and opened it, pulling out a blanket to spread along the surface.  He guided Victor to sit before reaching into the pack once more.  Taking out a popular Japanese wine from the area, he poured two glasses, handing one to Victor who watched with wide eyes.  Yuuri then reached back in and pulled out two bentos and opened them up to reveal a variety of painstakingly prepared foods.

“Did you do this?” Victor asked with wide eyes.

Yuuri chuckled remembering all of the hands that played a part in their night.  “I had a little help but yes.”  He handed Victor a set of chopsticks.  Lifting his glass, he tilted it for a toast.  “To new beginnings.  Let’s hope we get it right this time.”

“If this is how you start all over, I wouldn’t mind this so much,” Victor murmured softly, his eyes sparkling.

Victor took a sip before turning back to their meal.  “I don’t know what’s cuter, the heart shaped eggs or the flower shaped vegetables and fruits.”  Yuuri chuckled as he lifted a layer off of one of the containers.  “Oh, my God!  Panda onigiri?!”  His eyes widened and a delighted smile filled his expression.

“I wanted to see you smile,” Yuuri murmured.  The music indicated the performance was about to begin.  “It’s a high school theatre club.  I know they talked Minako into helping them choreograph some of the dance numbers.  They perform around the island and are quite good.”

They became immersed in the performance as they sipped wine, Yuuri translating the story for Victor.  They popped food into their mouths in between whispered words.  Every so often, Yuuri or Victor would tease the other with their chopsticks, dropping food onto the other’s tongue.

As the performance closed, Victor helped Yuuri pick up their picnic.  Victor was humming with happiness.  As they held hands to walk back along the beach once more, Victor leaned into him.  “Thank you, Yuuri.  I’ve never had such a wonderful date.”

“I wanted something…different…because you are special to me.  I worried, though,” Yuuri admitted.  “I know you’ve been to major performances in Russia and other countries.”

“True…but no one ever made me panda onigiri and took the time to plan something with such attention to detail.”

Yuuri chuckled.  “It was the panda onigiri that did it for you.”

Victor grinned and shrugged.  “I love good food,” he confessed.  “I would love to travel the world and taste different food.  I…should cook for you next time.  Something fusing Japanese and Russian, I think.”

“I look forward to it,” Yuuri murmured.  “At least, if both of us can cook, we won’t starve.”

Victor snuggled up to Yuuri’s shoulder, resting his cheek against it.  Peace settled around his features.  He didn’t feel lost this time.  His feet were on the ground and he felt…himself…with Yuuri, beside Yuuri.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Let It Go

Yuuri watched Victor slip away from his side that morning.  He knew that look.  It had become familiar – the need for space.  He picked up the breakfast dishes and washed them introspectively.  It’s been a week since they pulled back…pushing to the extreme.  Like a rubber band, though, they pulled back together, settling someplace in between.

Yuuri moved with caution, not out of fear but out of respect for Victor’s needs.  He knew Victor wanted him in his life but Victor was still attempting to figure out what he wanted for himself.  Putting the dishes away, he dried his hands and wandered into the garden.  He picked up the hand pruners and began working on a branch, cleaning up several bushes in the garden.  It wasn’t until he rounded the final bend that he realized Victor had also retreated into the garden.

“Oh!  I’m sorry, Vitya.  I didn’t mean to intrude.”  He started to retreat.

Victor looked up and met Yuuri’s eyes.  “It’s fine.  Perhaps…you could sit with me.”  He reached down and ran his fingers through Makkachin’s curls as she lay at his feet.

Yuuri frowned uncertainly.  “I don’t want…to interrupt your thinking.”

Victor studied his hand before answering.  “Perhaps you can help.”  Looking up to meet Yuuri’s eyes, he whispered, “I don’t know who you want me to be.”

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “I want you to be you.  Nothing else.  You be you; I’ll be me.  That’s all that’s needed.”

“I-I have always done what is pleasing,” Victor answered, lifting his eyes.  “But…when I stopped, it all fell apart.”

Yuuri slid his hand over Victors and entangled their fingers even as his other hand rested on the younger man’s hip.  Victor sagged into Yuuri, resting his head against the older man’s chest.  “Sometimes we have to fall apart to put ourselves together again.  You’ve been trying to force puzzle pieces where they don’t belong, to become someone you’re not.  Those rare glimpses of the real you, that’s what I live for.  You do not have to be pleasing, Victor.  You can be maddening, ridiculous, demanding, difficult, silly, stubborn…whatever is true…I will accept you.”

Victor pulled back, dropping his chin, vulnerability clouding his expression.  “It feels…so naked.  I keep second guessing myself.”

Yuuri shook his head.  “Don’t.  You pushed back.  More than once.  You needed to do that.  To assert your identity.  I stepped back and gave you the space you needed.  If you need more, so be it.  I am here until you tell me you don’t want me here.”

Victor looked up sharply.  “It’s not a matter of not wanting you here.  I want you here.  I just…am trying to figure out who I am.  I don’t want to lose myself again.”

“What do you want to do?”  Yuuri asked suddenly.

Victor started.  He stared towards the pond thoughtfully before he reached into the bag that seemed to always be by his side and pulled out a notebook.  Opening it he leafed through it.  He laid the paper open.  “I want to be more.  I want to continue to skate, but I want there to be more to me than that.  I want to…” Victor trailed off uncertainly.

“Talk to me…Vitya,” Yuuri urged.

“I want to skate, but I love working through the program’s choreography with you, dancing, figuring out what goes where, selecting the music, the timing to the music, the entire creative process.  I even love designing the costumes.”  He turned the paper towards Yuuri.

The Japanese man’s eyes widened as he studied the dark haired drawn figure, adorned in a deep blue jacket with black inset, a deep lavender scroll climbed up the back and blue fleur-de-lis tracked sideways down the sides.

“I’d make this inset sheer and the designs in crystal.  I would also pinpoint smaller crystals matching the blue fabric above the inset.  I think...it would look beautiful on you,” Victor finished, his voice starting strong, but becoming quiet and shy.

Yuuri remained speechless for several moments.  Looking up to meet Victor’s eyes, he sought words.  “Y-you designed this for m-me?”  He swallowed several times, feeling overwhelmed.

Victor nodded.  “I’m sorry…I pushed you away.  I was so scared.  I didn’t…know myself.  All of these thoughts hit at once.  How can I love someone when I don’t know who I am?  I understand myself better…but I’m still figuring it out.  But...I never stopped thinking about you, about us.  I never considered there not being an us .”

Yuuri pulled Victor into a hug, brushing a kiss against his forehead.  “I am the king of anxiety.  You do not need to apologize for your anxiety, Vitya.  It’s hard…you get caught in a loop and it plays itself over and over and you hope that the tape will break soon and let you move forward again.”

Victor nodded.  “I thought…I needed to know myself.  As if knowing would cause the pieces to fall back into place.  I think…I just need to accept myself, broken pieces and all.  Your acceptance helps me to do that.”

Yuuri rested his cheek against Victor’s head.  “You know, we all have broken pieces.  Scars inside and out that shows our struggles with life.  You don’t have to have it all figured out, though.  Keep questioning.  Learning.  Moving forward.  And…if you let me, I’ll go with you.”

Victor turned into Yuuri.  “I want you with me, Yuuri…Yuuchan.”  Yuuri tightened his arms at the diminutive form of his name.  Victor closed his eyes as he rested in Yuuri’s embrace.  “I think…we went too fast.  I lost my breath before.”

“We’ll take it slow this time.  I’m in no hurry, anata ,” Yuuri whispered, brushing a kiss into Victor’s hair.  He heard the sigh release as he slipped in that endearment.  “I never meant to rush you.  You always have a voice in this relationship.  I’ll always hear you.”

Victor lifted his head.  “Even if I disagree?”

Yuuri chuckled warmly.  “Even if we disagree.  As someone told me once, sometimes I’m wrong.”

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri.  “I think…I can face the world now.  We can run…and skate.”  He looked up with a winsome smile and Yuuri couldn’t resist brushing a quick kiss over those lips.

Yuuri watched Victor skate Eros with a smile.  He flirted, teased, invited Yuuri’s interest.  And Yuuri was interested.  He watched Victor’s dance, his eyes never leaving him.  When Victor came to a rest, he met Yuuri’s gaze…and smirked.  Yuuri made no attempt to hide his delight.

Victor skated to stand before him.  “Well?”

“Much better.  You have your story down, the emotion in place, the age correct.  Your interpretation will win over the audience and likely the judges.”

Victor considered his words.  “And you?” he asked, his smile holding a smug air.

Yuuri chuckled.  “You already have me…and you know it.”

Victor bit his lower lip then winked.  Sobering, he asked the next question.  “And the technical aspects?”

“We need to clean up your edges a bit more and that last spin needs to be tightened.  We’ll dissect the video later and pinpoint what else.  Do you want to skate King ?”

“Yes.  After a break.  Will you skate Chain of Memories ?  Or perhaps...show me your free skate?”  Victor watched him with a hopeful expression.

Yuuri softened his gaze, sliding his finger down Victor’s cheek.  “Not yet.  It’s not ready.  But I will skate Chain of Memories .  I want to send it to Ciao Ciao anyway.”

Victor nodded thoughtfully.  “Can I help critique it?”

“I encourage you to do so,” Yuuri responded as he skated backwards, away from him.  “But Celestino is still my coach even though I’m taking time off.  I am sending the video out of respect for that position.”

Victor nodded, preparing to film as Yuuri took his position.  He watched Yuuri skate, noting that the emotion was not near as mournful as the last time he was filmed.  Yuuri’s jumps were on point except the quad-flip.  Victor frowned at that point.  Yuuri didn’t normally perform that jump, Victor noted.  The wobble in his landing revealed the weakness.  And that was one of his better landings.  As Yuuri drew up before him, he cocked an eyebrow challenging him.  Victor met his eyes, feeling bold.  “You should consider switching out that quad-flip.”

“Oh?” Yuuri asked, startled.  “What would you suggest I replace it with?”

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  He dropped his eyes a moment before stating firmly, “Your quad-lutz is stronger and it has a higher base.”

Yuuri nodded thoughtfully.  “I haven’t landed the quad-lutz in competition.”

“But you do with higher frequency in practice than the flip,” Victor argued.  “If I had the lutz, I’d want to use it for the advantage.”

“I’ll consider it…but to have the stamina, I may need to adjust one of my other jumps.  That will decrease the advantage.  I want to nail the flip.  It should be easier than the lutz.”  Frustration edged his voice.

Victor chewed his lip before stating quietly, “I…I can nail it.”

Yuuri raised his eyebrow.  “Why haven’t I seen it?  You haven’t put it into competition.”

“When everything else starts to fall apart, I lose confidence in it.  Yakov has always opposed me putting it in.”

“I want to see it.  Will you demonstrate it for me?”

Victor nodded.  He skated around the rink a few times to warm back up then set up with a forward outside three-turn.  Clearing the ice from the back edge, Yuuri watched the rotation and counted them unconsciously.  Landing on the back outside edge allowing a spongy knee to absorb the shock and landing, Victor skated to Yuuri’s side.

“That is going in King ,” Yuuri stated firmly.

“What if I flub it?” Victor protested with alarm.

“That could happen with any jump,” Yuuri pointed out.  “You land it too beautifully not to use it.”

“I could say the same about your Lutz,” Victor argued.

Yuuri tilted his head, a glint in his eye.  “I’ll do the quad-lutz if you do the flip,” he bargained.  He watched Victor’s face light up and knew he had an agreement.

They spent the next half hour reworking the program elements for King to insert the new jump.  Then Victor skated it through twice before Yuuri nodded in satisfaction.

“Do you really believe in me enough for the flip?” Victor asked as they walked home.

Yuuri nodded, squeezing Victor’s hand.  “I do.  I know you can do this.”

“Then…I’ll do it.”  Laughter bubbled up out of the younger man as he danced around in front of Yuuri.  His eyes glittered as they met Yuuri’s.  “I’m so glad I came here.  It’s taken me a long time to figure out where I belong.”

“Japan?” Yuuri asked, raising his eyebrow questioningly.

Victor shook his head, tightening his hold on Yuuri’s hand.  “By your side…we work so well together…and you hear me, listen to me, value my ideas and opinions.”

“Of course I do.  Besides, you challenge me, too.  I agree…we do work well together.  This is probably the strongest short program I’ve ever performed.”

Victor drew up to him and peered up flirtatiously.  “You should let me see your long program,” he prodded teasingly.

Yuuri laughed, sliding a hand around Victor and pulling him into Yuuri’s chest.  Meeting the younger man’s eyes, forehead to forehead, he murmured, “In due time.  Patience, my love.”  Victor melted at the endearment and Yuuri smirked at the sigh that slipped out.  He brushed a kiss over Victor’s lips before releasing him.  He grinned when he had to tug Victor’s hand to get him to follow him along, the younger man still caught up in the emotion of the moment.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Teach Me How to be Loved

Weeks passed by with practice, counseling, long walks, all sprinkled with a few dates along the way.  Yuuri was very careful of Victor’s feelings and Victor very cautiously drew closer to Yuuri.  Despite the growing closeness as they continued to date, though, Yuuri could still feel Victor pulling back from him, hiding his pain.

Victor still took many walks along the beach and around town.  Yuuri danced in the studio and skated off his anxiety.  Time was drawing close to the first competition and it seemed Victor’s walks were taking longer routes.  He needed to clear his thoughts, sure.  Yuuri knew from experience how cluttered headspace alone could wreck a competition.  Yuuri, frustrated that Victor was still closed off to him about his mental torments, took it out on the ice. However, it wasn’t long before the ice bit back.

Victor came in late and looked for Yuuri.  After checking his room and the garden, he caught Minako who pointed him towards the onsen.  “He was moving rather stiffly,” she added.  Victor pursed his lips and nodded.  He avoided the showers, pushing through the indoor baths to the outside springs.

He found Yuuri soaking alone in a bath, a compress on his head, his eyes closed.  Victor dropped down nearby, sighing.  “What did you do?”

Yuuri opened an eye.  “You’re back.”

“I am…I’ve been…walking.  Minako said you looked hurt.”

“I took a couple of hard falls on the ice,” Yuuri admitted.

“Where did you hit?” Victor demanded.  Yuuri leaned forward to show a nicely forming bruise down his back and side where he must have hit on his shoulder.  “Slid into a wall, did we?” Victor surmised with a raised eyebrow.  Yuuri didn’t deny it.  “Where else?”  Yuuri stood out of the water and Victor forced himself to focus on the bruise forming down Yuuri’s opposite thigh and hip. Running his fingers lightly over the bruise, he exclaimed, “Oh, Yuuri.  What did you do?”

“Probably too distracted to do jumps,” Yuuri mumbled in admission.

“How long have you been in the heat?” Victor demanded.

Yuuri considered it then answered, “I’ve lost track.  I came in here around seven.”

“Then that’s long enough.  Come on.  Let’s get those injuries iced down.”  Victor scooped up the green yukata and held it out for Yuuri, sliding it over on his sore shoulder and securing the tie in place, careful to keep his eyes averted from southern regions.  He walked with Yuuri up the stairs, steadying him when he wobbled.  “I’ll be back with ice and towels,” he promised as Yuuri stood in the middle of the room.  Yuuri glanced over his shoulder and nodded.

Yuuri moved to his chest and pulled out a pair of boxers, easing into them with a wince.  Victor would care for him and on the surface things would feel good and right but Yuuri knew that Victor would draw back into himself.  This game they played back and forth was wearing.  He stretched across the bed on his stomach and waited, not realizing his eyes drifted closed.

Long fingers slid through his hair, pulling him from his sleep.  “That didn’t take long,” Victor murmured, teasing him, his expression tender.  Yuuri blinked as Victor wrapped an ice pack with a towel and then hissed as it was placed on his hip.  He prepared several others, covering the deeply bruised skin.  “I can imagine what you were doing to get these.  Flips?”

Yuuri nodded begrudgingly.  “Either I fall or I flutz,” he stated in frustration.

Victor laughed softly, the music of it washing over Yuuri.  “You want that fifth jump that badly,” he stated, crawling into bed beside him and leaning back against the headboard.  Victor’s thighs were eye level and Yuuri found himself studying the long, lean muscles as Victor crossed his ankles.  He pushed back the longing.

A timer went off and Victor removed the now tepid packs, dropping them in the ice chest and closing it.  Yuuri shivered as Victor spread a blanket over him and hummed when he felt the younger man card through his hair.  Yuuri’s eyes closed hesitantly then slipped off to sleep.  He didn’t rouse until he felt the draft from the blanket pull back punctuated by the sting of the reapplied ice packs.  “I’ll let you sleep after this,” Victor promised as he smoothed Yuuri’s hair.  “Well, for an hour.  Then I think you should have another round before you are out for the night.”

By the time the ice was removed a second time, he felt his thoughts becoming fuzzy as he faded off to sleep.  He remained unaware as Victor slipped from his side and carried the ice packs down to the kitchen to be remade in an hour.

“Vicchan!” Hiroko fussed.  “You need to eat.  Let me make you something.”

“Okaasan,” Victor returned with a smile.  “I’ve been taking care of Yuuri.  He’s pretty bruised up.”

“He is in good hands,” she surmised.  “Let me take care of you.”  Yuuri’s mother led him over to the counter where he watched her put together a bowl of ramen for him.

“ Arigato ,” he murmured, bowing his head before eating.  She smiled with pleasure leaving the room to tend to some other matters.

Mari came around the corner and leaned against the facing.  “Finally got you to eat,” she pointed out.

Victor nodded as he finished his mouthful.  “I guess my appetite is diminishing.  Probably nerves.”

“Okaasan will start fretting if you lose weight again,” she warned.  “It’s like she takes it as a personal failure.”

Victor sighed.  “I don’t mean to make people worry.  I…worry enough for everyone.”  He was well aware of Yuuri's concern over him.  Sighing, he thought, I need to get this sorted.  Now Yuuri's family is worried, too.  

“I’d say stop it but then I have Yuuri for my brother and know that it isn’t something you can control.”  She reached up and ruffled his hair.  “It’ll be fine, Vicchan.  Trust my brother.”

Victor smiled but his heart wasn’t in it.  He knew she meant well but…too many thoughts pushed through.  He finished his meal and washed the dish before making fresh ice packs.  He slipped up the stairs and into Yuuri’s room.  The older man had barely moved during Victor’s absence.  Checking his phone for the time, he removed the blanket.  Yuuri tensed then shivered, his eyes fluttering open with an accompanying groan.

“Part of me hoped you forgot,” he muttered.

Victor laughed softly, spreading the towels across the bruised skin.  “I’m sure.  Cold therapy was never my favorite, either.”

“You’d think it wouldn’t phase us given our work environment.”  He hissed as Victor laid on the first ice pack.  Several others followed then Victor set a timer for fifteen minutes.

“One more time after this and I’ll leave you alone for the night.”

Yuuri nodded reaching for Victor’s hand.  “Are you okay?” he asked.

Victor shrugged.  “As well as can be expected.  My mind won’t shut down.”  It was a familiar excuse, one he’d heard Yuuri use many times.  He received a thin lipped smile in response.  Yuuri knew Victor was withholding something but he wouldn’t press.  Victor rolled over on his stomach beside Yuuri.  “Why don’t we watch videos while we wait for the timers?”  He clicked it over to some puppy videos and they found themselves laughing and awing at the canine antics.

By the time the last set of ice packs were removed, Victor could see the exhaustion settling around Yuuri.  He tucked the blankets around the older man before pressing a kiss to his cheek.  “Sleep well, Yuuchan,” he murmured before slipping away from him.  He gathered the ice and took it back down stairs.

Victor peeked in on Yuuri after returning up the stairs and found him sleeping.  Sighing, he headed to the end of the hall and his door.  His thoughts continued to crash around him.  He reached for his door when the attic entrance caught his eye.  “Clean the attic,” he whispered.  Nodding to himself, he went to the door and pulled down the staircase.

The space looked different by himself.  He edged past old boxes, smelled the musty scent of damp evenings, sneezed, stumbled over something unseen, and finally found himself before the window.  He knelt onto the futon and stared out, blinking at first before he realized he was seeing fireflies.   Oh, this faces the place Yuuri took me that day.  He opened the window and breathed in the fresh air.

He lay watching the moon and the fireflies dancing, willing his mind to settle down.  He didn’t know when sleep claimed him.

Yuuri woke up in the middle of the night.   What is that sound?  Oh.  It’s Makkachin.  He opened the door and Makka looked forlorn, heading toward the stairs.  “Okay, girl.  I’ve got you.  I’ll take you out,” he promised in a low voice.

Returning a few minutes later, Yuuri noticed the entrance to the attic lowered.  He climbed the stairs and peered past the boxes.  Stretched out sleeping on the futon was Victor’s sleeping form.  Yuuri frowned.  Victor was welcome in his retreats, it just worried him that he retreated to the attic alone.

He moved through the cluttered space with practiced ease and knelt down beside the younger man who was lightly snoring in the moonlight.  The silver of his hair reflected the shine from the moon and stars.  Yuuri slid his hand through that hair and grazed across Victor’s skin.   Cold .  Reaching down to a few blankets folded at Victor’s feet, he shook one open and tucked it around the blond.  He carded his fingers through the long silver locks, watching over Victor thoughtfully.

You’ve been so distant.  I know you have worries pressing down on you.  I can guess most of them.  Still, I wish you could share them with me.  I can help if you just let me.   Yuuri brushed a kiss over Victor’s temple.  Reaching for another blanket, he stretched out next to him, wrapping a protective arm around him.

Morning light teased Victor’s eyes open and he shivered as he woke up.  Disoriented at first, he wrinkled his nose realizing he wasn’t alone.  He turned around as his eyes adjusted to the half-light and could see Yuuri sleeping quietly, curled around where Victor had just been lying, head resting on the bend of his elbow, his other hand still resting on Victor.  There had actually been no other contact with two blankets between them.  Victor didn’t feel a violation of space.

Sitting up, Victor pulled his legs into a criss-cross and watched the sleeping Japanese man.  Reaching out to card his fingers through the brown mop of hair, Victor felt a smile touch his lips.  But his head still felt fogged by thoughts and that smile soon slipped.  Pushing down the blankets, he tiptoed downstairs to shower.  Grabbing an apple, he left on a jog with Makkachin before anyone else was up.

Yuuri moved stiffly as he fought his way to wakefulness.  He pulled himself up into a cross-legged position and noted the blanket loosely piled at the foot of the futon.  Victor was up already.  He moved slowly as he folded the blankets.  His body screamed no ice today .

Yuuri made his way down the stairs and made eye-contact with his sister who was pulling laundry.  Securing the door to the attic, he turned to face her. “Victor has already left,” she stated flatly.

He ran his hand through his hair.  “What time is it?”

“After eight.  You really slept in today,” she pointed out.

After eight.  No wonder Victor was gone.  He nodded as he moved towards his room.   Finding his phone on the charger, he found no message from Victor.

Yuuri/ Sorry.  I just woke up.

Vitya/ That’s fine.  I’m walking back to the inn.

Yuuri/ You’re not on ice?

Vitya/ …

Vitya/ Well, no.  Ran with Makka.  Cooling down.

Yuuri/ Have you eaten?

Vitya/ Only an apple.

Yuuri/ Meet me for breakfast.

Vitya/ 10 minutes.  You okay?

Yuuri/ Taking a day off the ice.  Need to mend.

Vitya/ You should have stayed in bed.  

Vitya/ Futon is too hard on your injuries.

Yuuri/ I was worried about you.

Vitya/ …

Vitya/  We’ll talk later.

Yuuri scanned the messages.   You should have stayed in bed.  Was Victor mad at him?   He tried to push the thoughts out of his head.   Yuuri showered and dressed, reaching the downstairs landing as Victor came into the room.  He smiled weakly.

“Good morning,” Victor greeted softly, studying Yuuri critically.  They walked into the kitchen and Victor insisted Yuuri sit.  “I can cook breakfast this morning.”  Victor hummed as he scooped up the white rice into a bowl.  Yuuri watched as he sprinkled the rice with a dash of soy sauce, a pinch of salt, and a sprinkle of Aji-no-moto.  He then reached over for some shredded nori.  Cracking a raw egg over the top, he handed one bowl to Yuuri along with chopsticks before taking one for himself.  A cup of tea was poured up for each of them.

“ Arigato , Vicchan,” Yuuri murmured.  Victor smiled in reply.  Yuuri stirred up the tamago gohen to form the frothy mixture with his chopsticks and began to eat the sticky meal.  Victor joined him and they ate quietly.  Yuuri didn’t quite know how to break the looming silence.  Victor drained his teacup and began to gather the dishes.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll wash them,” Yuuri insisted.

Victor shrugged.  “Okay.  I’ll be ready for the rink in a few minutes.”  He hesitated before adding, “We are going, aren’t we?”

“My day off shouldn’t affect your skating.  You have a competition and we leave in two days.”

Victor nodded, his shoulders stiffening.  “Give me time to shower.”  Yuuri nodded as he watched the other man depart.

Victor remained low key and subdued during the walk to the rink, responding to Yuuri in short sentences and monosyllables.  Yuuri knew this behavior, this anxiety response of shutting out as much stimuli as possible by responding to the world as little as possible.  He worried .  Is it the competition that has him worried?  Is it because I was next to him when he woke up?  I moved too soon.  I wasn’t trying to move.  I was just concerned when I found him upstairs.  I didn’t want him to wake up alone.  Not there.  It could be the competition, though.  He kept darting his eyes to Victor while his thoughts continued to spiral.

Victor pulled on his skates and tied them off.  Yuuri would be on the ice with him but not skating his own programs.  His own skates secured, he followed the taller man onto the ice.  Each of them moved easily into their standard warm-ups, Yuuri settling into circles and elementary figures while keeping an eye on Victor.  Victor then nodded, ready.  Yuuri moved to the boards.  “Which program?”

“ King ,” Victor supplied, moving into his opening position.  Victor’s movements were melancholy but he pushed through.  Something was definitely playing much more heavily on Victor’s mind than previous days.  His arm movements were heavy.  His timing was good but his interpretation was off-center.  He came before Yuuri after the third run through and Yuuri could see he was close to tears, frustration vibrating off his skin.

Yuuri took a deep breath, smoothing a loose strand of hair behind Victor’s ear.  “I think we need to have that talk.  You’ve got too much going on up here.”  Yuuri brushed the back of his fingers across Victor’s forehead.  “It’s affecting everything else.”

“I can’t help it,” Victor whimpered, his lower lip quivering.

Yuuri’s arms went around the other skater.  “Oh, Vitya.  Let’s get off the ice.  We can go to the studio.  If we clear your thoughts enough to skate, we can come back easily enough.”

Victor and Yuuri removed their skates and dropped them off in their lockers.  A ten minute walk had them unlocking Minako’s studio.  Yuuri turned on some instrumental covers to play softly while he worked with his skater.  “Do you want to talk first?  Dance first?  Or work through it together?”

Victor shrugged noncommittally, studying his hands as he pulled his legs into a center split.  “Can you press on my shoulders?” he asked, deflecting the questions.  Yuuri nodded, giving him the slow steady tension he needed to complete the stretch.  Victor moved through a series of stretches assisted by Yuuri.  It wasn’t until he pulled his knees to his chest, that Yuuri knelt down before him.  Victor studied him a moment before crawling into Yuuri’s lap, his head resting on Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri automatically started moving his hands in comforting circles.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said finally.

Victor looked up surprised.  “Why are you sorry?”

“I intruded on your space last night.  I woke up and took Makka out.  When I discovered the stair down, I worried that you were alone and upset.  I couldn’t bring myself to leave after I found you, so vulnerable in your sleep.”

Victor remained silent for a few moments as he processed Yuuri’s confession.  Finally, he lifted his chin.  “I…am not upset with you.  Perhaps I left that door open as an unconscious invitation.  I…didn’t want to be alone.  I don’t know how to reach back out, though.  We’ve maintained such careful barriers.”

“What do you want?” Yuuri asked gently.  Victor‘s shoulder shook and Yuuri didn’t need to see his face to know there would be tears.  He pressed a hand around the younger man’s cheek and pulled him into his shoulder.  “I’ve got you, sweetheart.  Take your time.”

Victor remained enfolded in Yuuri’s embrace until his shoulders no longer shook and even a while longer after that.  Finally, he drew a deep breath, steadying his stuttering emotions and pulled back, though remaining close at hand.  His next words came out in a rush as if he had to get it out before he lost his nerve.  “I want to not be afraid.  I am terrified of the coming competition. I’m so afraid he will be there, that he will try to hurt you or me or both of us.  I know we’ve done everything possible and I don’t want to let it go.  I want to compete.  But I worry, too, that all of that fear is going to come out in my competition."  He paused and looked up.  "Am I ready?”

Yuuri reached up and ran his fingers down the side of Victor’s cheek, brushing tears away with his thumb.  “You are ready.  You have your routines in order.  However, it might do us some good to work on your mental state," Yuuri suggested tenderly.  "I meditate before a competition.  I also have exercises I go through when I start to panic.”  He eased Victor into a cross-legged position and settled his palms gently on his knees.  “Close your eyes.”  Victor’s eyes fluttered closed then open again.  “What is it?” Yuuri asked with concern, seeing the uncertainty in the other man's eyes.

“I am nervous…not being able to see you.  I want to see or feel you nearby when possible.  I know that’s…crazy…but it’s how I feel.”

“It is not crazy,” Yuuri reassured him.  He moved his position directly in front of Victor, knees touching knees.  Then he took Victor’s hands in his, using his physical contact to ground the younger man.  “Let’s try it this way.  Close your eyes.”  This time they shuttered and stayed closed.  “Breathe in a slow, deep breath.  Now, push it out slowly, completely," Yuuri guided in a slow, steady voice.  "One…two…three.  Let’s repeat that.  Breathe in slowly, deeply.  Out.  One…two…three.  You should start to feel your body relaxing.  Now imagine you’re on a beach.  You hear the waves moving in and out.  As the water reaches in, it takes a little of your tension from you, pulling it out of you as it moves away.  Breathe with those wave.  The waves rolling in, inhale.  As the waves roll out, exhale.  In…out…in…out.  You should be feeling very relaxed right now.”  Yuuri could tell by the loosening of Victor’s grip that he was relaxing into a meditative state.

“I’m going to take you on a journey, Vitya.  On this journey, you are going to experience the emotions you are seeking.  Eros.  Romantic love.  Sexual love.  This is the love that connects you to me, the love that entwines us together.  It is seductive, passionate, and heated.  It causes us to come together over and over, keeps us from truly pulling away from one another.  Now, Vitya, I want you to open your eyes.”

Victor opened his eyes in response to Yuuri’s gentle command and held the older man’s gaze.  “I’m going to put on the music for Eros.  Take the starting position.”  Both men stood.  Yuuri switched the music to playing Eros .   He watched Victor, his mind free of the encumbrances of his worries, regain the center he needed to personify Eros.  His seduction, his passion, his desire were laid bare, naked for any to see, his eyes coming to rest on Yuuri, his thoughts focusing on the emotional connection between the two of them.  As he closed the program, Yuuri was shaken, Victor’s open expression resting on him, his love and desire evident in that gaze, connecting them together like an arc of electricity.

“How did you do that?” Victor whispered, his eyes wide.  “I felt…as if all of my encumbrances were lifted.”

“I use sensory meditation techniques to prepare for my programs.  I can record a journey for you so that you can listen to it as you relax and meditate before a program.  I needed to see if you would respond to it, though.”

“I…felt relaxed for the first time in days.”  Victor ran up to Yuuri and threw his arms around Yuuri’s neck.  “I should have come to you sooner with my worries," he rushed.  "I know this.  I was trying to work them out on my own.”  Victor lowered his head, chewing his lip.

“I know, anata .  I know.  Just never forget that I’m here for you.  Being independent doesn't mean you have to walk every path alone,” Yuuri responded tenderly.  Yuuri stepped back to switch the other playlist back on.

Victor stepped back, a smile touching his lips.  Then a stray worry caused his expression to startle.  “What if…what if I panic?”

“That’s the second technique I’m going to teach you.  If you start to panic, the important thing is grounding yourself.  Some call this technique the Five Senses Technique.  Others call it Grounding 54321.  We are going to pretend you are in panic and practice the technique."  Yuuri took Victor's hands in his.  "Name five things you see around you.”

Victor startled then processed the question.  “The barre, the mirror, Yuuri, Yuuri’s brown eyes, Yuuri’s hands.”

“That’s a good start.”  Yuuri smiled warmly, noting how Victor focused on him.  “Now name four things you can feel.”

Victor breathed deeply and closed his eyes and released one hand, allowing it to flutter as he explored.  “The soft cotton of my shirt.  The metal teeth on my jacket’s zipper.  Yuuri's hand in mine.  My hair tickling my ears.”

“Good,” Yuuri praised.  “Now three things you can hear right now.”

“Piano. Wind.  My breathing.”

“Very good.  Now name two things you can smell right now.”

“Cherry blossoms…and cinnamon.”

Yuuri’s eyes crinkled realizing that Victor just described his scent.  “Now.  Name one thing good about yourself.”

Victor took a deep breath.  “This one’s hard.  My smile?”

“Your smile is beautiful.  Don’t doubt yourself.”  Yuuri rested his forehead against Victor’s.  “We will practice both of those techniques several times over the next two days.  I’m not worried about your program.  You have it down.  I just need to help you sort out your thoughts.”

“Thank you, Yuuri.”  Victor reached up, his hand resting on the back of Yuuri’s neck.  His movements were shy as he dipped closer, uncertainly.  Then his lips found the other man’s lips, tasting them in a kiss.  Yuuri’s arms slipped around Victor’s waist as they continued to sway to the music, their lips locked into a dance of their own, brushing lovingly against one another.  Victor eventually rested his head on Yuuri’s shoulder as they continued to dance slowly to the music, grounded and comforted by the older man’s hold on him.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Shelter

They arrived in China in the late afternoon with the plan to order room service and stay in.  Victor unpacked while Yuuri showered.  When Yuuri reentered the room wrapped in a towel, Victor looked away, a blush creeping up.

Noticing his discomfort, Yuuri quickly apologized.  “I’m sorry, Vitya.  I forgot to grab my sleep clothes.”

“I-It’s okay,” he murmured but Yuuri noted how Victor drew inward.  Staring out the window, Victor waited until Yuuri returned to the bathroom.

They hadn’t slept in the same room together since they pulled apart.  Well, except that night Yuuri joined him in the attic.  They had their own beds but Yuuri hated Victor’s discomfort.  In more ways than one.  He shoved back his emotions.  Victor needed his understanding.  This was a hard week for the younger man.  Yuuri’s own desires came second, perhaps even third.

When Yuuri reentered the room, he watched Victor scurry past him with his arms loaded down with anything he might need in the shower.  Sighing, Yuuri crawled up into his bed and flipped through the television before remembering he didn’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese.  Flipping off the television, he reached for the room service menu.

When Victor reentered the room, he looked bedraggled and nibbled on his lower lip uncertainly.  “What is it, anata ?” Yuuri invited gently.

“Would you…I’d like for you…to brush my hair.  I think…it might calm me.”

Yuuri smiled, opening his arms up to the other man.  “Of course I will.”  He pushed himself back to gain a little height from the pillows as Victor crawled across the bed and settled in between his legs.  He laid the brush and combs beside them.

As Yuuri combed through Victor’s hair initially with his fingers, he could feel the tension from the other man.  Finally, Victor broke the silence with a whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Yuuri stilled his hand and leaned around him.  “What are you sorry for, love?”

He received an awkward shrug at first before Victor whispered, “For…I’m not sure how to act.”  Victor lowered his head.  “I don’t want…to give mixed signals.  But…”

Yuuri once more leaned around to peer at the man before him.  “But?”

Victor looked up and met his eyes.  “I don’t know what is allowed and what isn’t allowed.”

Yuuri smiled tenderly.  “These boundaries, these hard and fast lines?  They were erected for your sake, Vitya.  You tell me.  What do you want?”

“I…I want to kiss you,” he confessed.  “But we’re…sleeping in the same room…”  His words trailed off uncertainly.

“And you are afraid it will turn into more,” Yuuri finished.  

Victor nodded, shifting guiltily.  “I want to kiss you,” he repeated.  “But I’m not there…yet…for the other.  I may be there…tomorrow, but not today.”

Yuuri smoothed Victor’s hair behind his ear and lifted his chin to make sure they maintained eye contact.  “I will respect that…you know that, don’t you?”

Victor nodded, his eyes wide.  “I just…don’t want to be selfish.”

Yuuri shook his head, leaning forward to brush a kiss against Victor’s forehead.  “You love me, don’t you?”  Victor nodded, holding his eyes.  Yuuri continued, “And I love you.  That means that we meet each other where we are…if you are not there yet, then we stop and go no further…and the same goes if I’m not there yet.”

Victor’s lips parted, eyes widening as if it hadn’t occurred to him that Yuuri might not be ready to move further.  “Okay,” he murmured.

“Also, if we decide we are both there tomorrow and things go further only for us to need to pull back the next day, that’s okay as well.  I will respect you and your needs.”

“And I’ll respect your needs,” Victor echoed, relief filtering into his voice.  All of the sudden a sob broke through and Victor was turning into Yuuri’s arms, burying his head.  “Why do you do that?  Why are you so good to me?”

Yuuri lifted his lover’s head with a gentle grasp of his chin.  His thumb wiped at a stray tear.  His expression unguarded to the younger man.  His eyes gathered in the vision before him, beautiful in his vulnerability.  “My Vitya, my beautiful Vitya.  How many ways can I tell you, can I show you that I love you before you believe me?”

Victor hiccupped, his tears threatening to break through once more.  “I-it’s not th-that I don’t b-believe you,” he stuttered, sniffing back as he finished the sentence and dashing a hand up to wipe the escaping tears.  “I-I just d-don’t deserve you.”

Yuuri pulled him tight into his embrace.  “Nonsense…you are perfect,” he murmured as he closed the distance.  The kiss started innocently but melted quickly into something more as Victor opened up to him.  As Yuuri pulled back, Victor followed him down, continuing to demand more out of that kiss than should be possible.

When they finally broke for air, Victor’s eyes darted down shyly as he moved back onto his knees.  Looking up finally, he could see Yuuri lying back somewhat wrecked, his hair tangled, his cheeks red.  Victor nibbled his lower lip uncertainly before reaching out to brush Yuuri’s hair back into place. Yuuri caught that hand as it slipped out of his hair and Victor watched breathless as the older man brushed a kiss against his wrist, a seemingly benign action that stirred something in Victor.  “I…I think…you were brushing my hair,” he finished with a rush as he turned around to face forward, trying to compose himself.

Victor heard the warm chuckle wash over him as the other man resumed combing through his hair.  Yuuri wrapped up by braiding the length and tying it off.  Slipping his arms around the other man, Victor stiffened at first, uncertain what Yuuri wanted.  However, Yuuri merely slid his hands down the length of his arms, resting his cheek against Victor’s head.  He felt kisses brushed tenderly against his hairline but it didn’t become more intimate than that…yet…it was more.  

Victor closed his eyes and focused on the feelings elicited by those small kisses.  The flutter in his belly told him that it was much more.  He opened his mouth wanting to say something, hesitant though, not wanting to break the moment.   “Yuuchan,” he whispered and was surprised at the husky quality of his voice.

Yuuri turned another kiss into Victor’s hairline, closer to his ear, as he murmured, “My Vitya…anata…

******** TRIGGER WARNING…mentions of abuse and rape in the next paragraph ********

Yuuri was generous with the endearments.   Anata …Vitya…sweetheart…love…dear…they flowed as a natural part of his conversation with Victor.  For Victor, though, the familiar endearments he grew up with were tainted, misused by a man who called him lyubov moya as he held his hands over his head and raped him, who called him malysh as he jerked his hair down and forced him to suck him off or kotik as he straddled his face and fucked his mouth.  So many other words tied to so many other abuses.  Those words were all spoiled.  He only had Yuuchan.  But to him, it was the most precious of words.

******** End ********

“Yuuchan,” he whispered once more.  He didn’t know when the tears started until his breath stuttered as he tried to breathe in.  He felt Yuuri’s arms guide him into an embrace, allowing him to hide his face in the older man’s shoulder.  Yuuri no longer became alarmed when he broke down like this.  Yuuri held him, loved him, and took care of him.  It was too much their norm and Victor was frustrated that Mikhail…thoughts of him…fears of him…still interfered with his life.

Lifting up his tearstained face, he felt his lower lip draw into a pout.  “I just…want to be free of him.”

“I know, love,” Yuuri whispered, his tenderness washing over Victor along with a gentle hand that brushed over his shoulder and down his back.

As much as Victor intended to sleep in his own bed, the trip caught up to them both and they fell asleep in one another’s arms.  When they finally stirred later, they found the late night menu for room service and ordered in some sandwiches they washed down with water before falling asleep once more wrapped up in one another.

The next day was designated for rest.  Yuuri received messages from both Chris and Phichit announcing their arrival sometime during the evening before but everyone was too tired to meet up.  They decided on brunch.  Victor shyly tagged along.  “Do they know?”

Yuuri looked over startled.   “Honestly, yes.  Phichit helped me cover your tracks when you first fled Russia.  Chris helped talk me through helping you emotionally, so that perhaps I wouldn’t mess up too badly.  He’s working on his master’s degree in psychology.  His partner Lawrence is a practicing psychologist.  They are discreet.”

Victor stopped suddenly, causing Yuuri to stumble back before turning.  Victor’s hand tugged at the hem of his shirt, his eyes studying the floor before him, his teeth chewing his lower lip.  Yuuri made note to get the man before him some lip balm.  “I…I don’t think I can do this,” he stated, his voice tremulous.

Yuuri stepped forward and took the other man’s hands in his.  “Vitya.  These are two of my closest friends.  They won’t judge you.”

“I…I stayed.  For three years.  While h-he did…things to me.  Who does that?”

Yuuri lifted Victor’s chin and searched out his eyes.  “Someone who has been stripped down and starved of love.  Someone who was made to feel small even though…” Yuuri felt his own breath hitch.  “…even though you can fill a room with your smile.”  Victor eyed him uncertainly.  “Trust me,” he whispered.  “Trust my friends.  At least…give them a chance.”

Victor ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at it as he processed the words.  Finally, he nodded slowly.  Looking up, he added in a tiny whisper, “But I’m scared.”

“I know.  Trust me, anata , I know.”

Phichit and Chris were already seated in the hotel restaurant when Yuuri arrived with Victor.  They stood as the other two approached.  “Yuuri!  I missed you!” Phichit cried out, throwing his arms around the brunette.  Victor knew Phichit had been Yuuri’s roommate for the last six years but was surprised by the exuberant greeting.  “Are you coming back to Detroit next season?”

“Ummm…we haven’t discussed that,” Yuuri stated noncommittally, glancing Victor’s direction.  Victor stepped closer, tilting his head towards Yuuri’s shoulder as his hand wound tighter in his grasp.  “Phichit, Chris…this is my Vitya.  Victor, my good friends Chris and Phichit.”

“Good friends,” Chris scoffed.  “Best of friends.”

Yuuri laughed.  “Of course, the best of friends.”

“Much better,” Chris stated warmly.  Turning to Victor, he reached out a hand.  Victor took it shyly.  “It’s a rare man who can catch the eye of this one,” he greeted warmly.  “I look forward to getting to know you.”

“Th-thank you,” Victor murmured, his eyes flicking towards the handshake and the floor.

Phichit laughed and it reminded Victor of bells catching rain.  “I hope you forgive me.  I’m a hugger.”  He finished this sentence by throwing his arms around Victor who squeaked in response before awkwardly putting his arms around the other man.  Stepping back, Phichit placed a hand on Victor’s cheek and chin and held his eyes.  “He loves you…and he doesn’t give that lightly.  That means you are family.  We are all here for you.”

Victor took a shuddering breath and almost felt a loss of warmth as Phichit released him.  Yuuri drew him back to his side while Chris rolled his eyes. “Sure, Peach.  Scare the man right off the bat!”

“I didn’t scare him,” Phichit protested.  “You aren’t scared, are you?” he turned and asked Victor directly.

“M-maybe a little,” Victor confessed quietly.  “But not of you.”

The other two men regarded him thoughtfully.  It was Chris that stepped forward, draping an arm around Victor and pulling him to the table.  “Don’t worry, Victor.  We’ve got you.”  Once they were all seated, Chris signaled for a waiter who soon brought several breakfast selections to the table and plates for them to dine family style.  “Most places around here don’t serve regular breakfast foods.  But this hotel is popular with international businessmen and therefore keeps familiar things at hand.  I experiment fine with lunch and dinner but my stomach demands the familiar for breakfast.”

Victor smiled as Chris passed him a plate holding French toast.  Soon, Victor had a plate filled with things he hadn’t eaten since he left Russia.  Yuuri said nothing but watched sadly knowing his metabolism would never match Victor’s.  Chris raised an eyebrow and Phichit asked the obvious question. “So...are you going to eat all that?”

Victor looked over with surprise.  “I have a fast metabolism,” he explained.  “My weight rarely fluctuates more than three pounds.  It will be back down by the end of the day.”

The others pouted with a bit of envy.  Victor shifted uncomfortably.  Yuuri reached over and squeezed his hand reassuringly.  “I’m sure it is nice to have some of your favorites after being away from home.  We should make a point to explore beyond the traditional Japanese meals at home.”  

“Oh, god, Yuuri...you fed the boy on rice and eggs?  No wonder he’s starved!”  Chris added.

The conversation eased and a smile teased at Victor’s lips as Chris and Phichit shared some of their antics over the last month.  His eyes fluttered up to watch Yuuri laughing openly.  He began to feel his tension melting away.

Glancing around, Victor spotted their guard.  Yuuri’s grandfather paid for eight men to travel with them and Victor knew they were good at their job.  Takehiko wouldn’t trust anyone with his grandson’s safety…and for some reason, Victor’s safety was important to the old man as well.  He tried to force himself to relax further.

It was Phichit’s suggestion that brought them both to a stall.  “We should go sightseeing.”

Yuuri studied his partner thoughtfully before suggesting, “Maybe we could do something…just to get out of the hotel.  No pictures though, Phichit.”

“No pictures?”  The Thai man looked stricken.

Yuuri shook his head.  “I want to give nothing away about our location.”

Phichit nodded, realizing what Yuuri was saying.  “How about I hold onto them a few days?” he bargained.  Yuuri glanced at Victor before nodding in agreement.

They ended up touring the Lama Temple and browsing booths at the Silk Market .  The body guards drew close in the more crowded locations.  They backed off a bit when the view was open.  Victor soon became used to the travel conditions and started to relax, even enjoying himself and the company of his companions.

They returned to the hotel shortly after dinner and Victor found himself nodding off fairly quickly in his own bed.  Yuuri tucked the blankets around Victor before crawling into his own bed.  Sometime during the night he felt the mattress give.  Opening his eyes, he found Victor settling in next to him.  “Is this okay?” the younger man whispered.

Yuuri nodded, pulling Victor into his embrace.  “I was already missing you.”

“I…woke up cold.  And afraid,” the younger man confessed.

“A nightmare?”

Victor nodded.  “I don’t want tea…” he rushed before Yuuri could push him away.  “I just…want to be close to you.  Is that okay?”

“Yes…if it’s truly what you want it is okay.”

“Thank you, Yuuri,” he whispered, snuggling his head under Yuuri’s chin.  “You are my safe place.”

Two uneventful days passed by as they practiced in the morning and toured someplace new in the afternoons.  On the second evening they went to the Beijing Zoo .  Victor smiled as they explored the Panda House, remembering their first date and the panda onigiri.  Phichit was even less restrained that day and Victor found himself openly laughing with the others at the antics the Thai man got into.  On the third day, Chris begged off with the arrival of his boyfriend leaving Phichit alone with Yuuri and Victor.   They explored the Temple of Heaven early catching a glimpse of the locals enjoying the park before grabbing breakfast and going to skate.  That afternoon, they visited the National Grand Theatre and wrapped up with a late evening exploration of the Olympic Village to see the Bird’s Nest and the Water Cube.  

Day four arrived and Victor slept late, resting until ice time, curled up next to Yuuri who played on his phone until Victor was ready to move.  After he finished skating, they returned to enjoy a low key evening.  Phichit joined them with his computer and they sprawled across the bed watching videos. Victor loved the insights to Yuuri’s life as Phichit showed him videos and regaled him with stories of his old roommate.  He looked over to catch Yuuri covering his face once more and whining to Phichit to please not tell that story.   It made Yuuri…more human, more real than ever before.

Victor realized that up until this moment there was still a god-like quality to Yuuri.  Sure, he messed up but his gentle nature and patience seemed to cover all of those mistakes.  Yuuri was his idol, and rescuing Victor did nothing to diminish that.  It brought him within reach.

That evening he kept watching Yuuri, feeling something shift inside of him.  He knew he was in love with this man, he wanted to be with him.  He realized, though, that there was so much to this man that he did not know…and that didn’t scare him.  It might take a lifetime to uncover the layers to this man but he wanted that time, which meant he had to be rid of Mikhail.

As Phichit retreated to his room, Yuuri left him alone to shower.  Returning, he found Victor watching the door he had disappeared into with contemplation.  He didn’t flinch at being caught, but merely lifted his eyes to meet Yuuri’s and held them.  Yuuri could see a decision in their depths.

He stepped forward and sat on the mattress beside the younger man.  “You skate tomorrow,” he murmured.  “Shower and rest.”  Victor nodded, unfolding his legs and moving towards the bathroom.  He glanced back to catch Yuuri’s regard.  Something had definitely shifted.

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Let Me Go

Yuuri woke up to Victor snuggling into him.  Laughing softly he slipped his arms around and the Russian and tightened his embrace.  The younger man had three inches on him and with his build, close to thirty pounds but could crawl into Yuuri’s arms like it was nothing.  Propping his chin on his hands across Yuuri’s chest, Victor pouted.

“Good morning, anata .  What has you upset?”

Victor shrugged.  “Not really upset.  Nervous.  Overwhelmed.  Scared.  But…not upset.”

“That’s enough,” Yuuri murmured, sliding his hands through Victor’s hair.  Then a thought occurred to him.  Shifting and testing Victor’s resolve, all of the sudden he flipped the younger man.  He received an open mouthed face as a reward.

“Y-yuuri!”

The older man winked and then slid his fingers lightly down Victor’s side holding those blue eyes that watched him in rapt anticipation, wondering what Yuuri was going to do to him.  He reached the base of those ribs before he started to tickle.  Victor opened his mouth once more before those giggles took over.

“Yuuri!  Please!” he begged, clutching his stomach.  Yuuri finally pulled off of him, his eyes crinkling and head tilting to one side.  Victor’s smile touched him and he couldn’t help the smile vibrating through him.

Yuuri came up behind a seated Victor in the dressing room.  Taking the brush from the younger man’s hand, he began working through the tangles with practiced ease.  They had tried several styles previously for this skate.  Victor loved how his hair flowed with it long but hated when it landed in his face.  For Eros, they decided to braid back two sections of hair joining the rest into a long ponytail.  Victor titled his head back and offered Yuuri an appreciative smile.

It was when they entered the space reserved for ISU officials, skaters, and coaches that Victor seemed to draw closer to Yuuri.  “Are you okay?” the older man whispered.  Victor nodded but his body language betrayed his anxiety and fear.  Yuuri placed a calming hand on the small of Victor’s back and guided him to where Chris and Phichit waited.

“Vitya!” a voice called with a decidedly Russian accent.  Victor turned, startled, and spotted Yakov, his old coach, standing beside Georgi.  Glancing towards Yuuri, the brunette dropped his hand as Victor ran to the old man and threw his arms around him.  Yuuri felt a smile playing at his lips.  He heard Yakov’s gruff voice as they chatted back and forth in Russian.  Victor turned towards Yuuri and waved him forward.

“Yuuri, this is Yakov!”

Yuuri nodded with a reserved smile.  “Coach Feltsman.  Your reputation precedes you.  It’s an honor to meet you finally.”

“I must admit that you’ve garnered quite the reputation as well, Katsuki.”

Yuuri shrugged.  “Probably only half of that is true,” he admitted.

The old coach surprised him with a gruff laugh.  “I suppose the same can be assumed about my own reputation.”  Stepping closer, he added under his breath, “We’ve lost track of him again.”

Yuuri nodded.  “I’ve got several bodyguards watching over us.”

Yakov grunted in acceptance.  Turning back to Victor, he offered a few more words before he pulled away to focus on his own skater.  Victor watched him walk away, a sad expression on his face.

“Come, Vitya.  Let’s go stretch,” Yuuri suggested, guiding him down a hallway away from the crowds.  He could feel Victor’s tension.  “Remember, anata , I’ve got you.  You are safe,” he murmured, sliding a reassuring hand up and down Victor’s arm as his other hand rested on the skater’s back.

Yuuri helped Victor stretch as he talked softly, bringing Victor to center.  Victor finally brought his legs into a criss-cross and Yuuri dropped down in front of him taking hold of his hands.  They shared a pair of earbuds playing soft instrumental music .  Yuuri had Eros cued up to switch over as his words reached to the interpretation.  Victor closed his eyes, putting his trust in Yuuri.

“Listen to the sound of my voice, Vitya.  I want you to follow the rise and the fall of my words.  Take a deep breath in with the rise and release it with the falling cadence.  In…out…now imagine with me that we are in the field behind the inn.  Remember the fireflies as they flit about at night and the butterflies floating about during the daytime.

“If you recall, there is a platform there.  Imagine us on that platform.  Now the platform has a certain quality.  It is completely safe.  Once you set foot on that surface, you are enveloped in a shield.  That shield only allows those with good intentions to come near you.

“Now, we are sitting on that platform.  There is a breeze and it is pulling at your hair.  As it comes in, you feel it unlocking your tension.  As it pulls out, your tension goes with it.  You feel yourself become completely relaxed.”

Victor’s hands loosened in Yuuri’s, his shoulders settled, his chin dropped down.  Yuuri reached for the phone and switched songs.  “Now we are in Minako’s studio.  The energy is different, electric.  You take the lead and we dance a salsa, a tango.  You personify the music, the heat, the passion.  You go from being the seduced to taking charge, to seducing.  You are Eros.”

Victor blinked as Yuuri tapped his wrist three times, their signal to come out of the semi-hypnotic state.  “How do you feel?” Yuuri asked.

Victor tilted his head and smiled, leaning forward to brush his lips on Yuuri’s cheek, catching the corner of his lip, startling Yuuri.  Running his thumb over the path, he nodded.  “I am relaxed and ready to skate.”

Victor skated onto the ice a quarter of an hour later and turned to find Yuuri at the boards, hand over his heart as he returned Victor’s gaze.  He skated before Yuuri and touched their foreheads.  “Keep your eyes on me, Yuuri,” he demanded, a fire flickering in his eyes.

“Always,” Yuuri breathed, his hand sliding up the side of Victor’s cheek.  Victor remembered the first night in China when Yuuri brushed a kiss over his wrist.  Victor now turned in that touch and brushed a kiss over Yuuri’s pulse point.  He heard that quick intake of breath before pushing back and skating backwards, a smirk on his lips.  With a flirt on the swing of his hips, he turned allowing the half skirt flutter and tease with his movements.

Finding his position, he shimmied his arms down his body and turned to wink at Yuuri as the music opened before kicking off into a seductive step sequence.  Yuuri watched him, mesmerized, as Victor demanded his attention through his twists and turns, hips and hands teasing Yuuri, telling the story of a playboy and his beautiful lover.  Yuuri was breathless as Victor transitioned into a spin, his leg extended.  Victor drew his eyes in the next sequence leading into the spread eagle.  He launched the triple axel landing it beautifully before setting up for the next jump.  The three-turn led into the quad salchow casting another gaze towards Yuuri.  The spin led into a forward inside three-turn.  Digging his toe pick in, Victor launched into a quad toe loop followed by the triple toe loop.  His edge didn’t grab in on the landing and Victor recovered with only a touch down.  Steadying, he went straight into his final combination spin.  He closed with his arms wrapped around him, his eyes resting on Yuuri in challenge.

He skated to the kiss and cry where Yuuri met him as he dug for breath once his composure was allowed to slip.  “I touched down on the triple toe, Yuuri!” he breathed out as Yuuri handed him his water bottle.

“You delivered all of the other components exceptionally.”  They waited and listened, Victor leaning into Yuuri’s arms.  Finally, the scores were announced.  98.4.  Victor’s eyes widened.  It was his new personal best for a short program and he held first.

The short programs ended with Victor in the lead and Georgi, second.  Third went to Guang Hong.  Phichit sat in fourth with Chris following in fifth.  Leo closed out the group in sixth place.

The reporters crowded around Victor to ask how it felt to leave the short program in first.  Victor responded, “As close as the short program scores landed, it’s still anyone’s skate.  I look forward to the free skate with my competitors.”

Victor and Yuuri finally were able to leave the stadium, Chris and Phichit flanking them as they talked.  Victor’s intake of breath and subsequent freeze drew their attention suddenly.  “Masha,” Victor breathed out under his breath, fear vibrating off his skin.

Yuuri instinctively stepped in front of Victor with Chris and Phichit drawing close to either side of him.  The body guards moved in to surround him.  Coach Cialdini stood behind Victor, phone in hand calling security.

Victor reached out and placed a hand on Yuuri’s arm, restraining him as he stepped around the Japanese man.  Yuuri quickly moved to place two hands on Victor’s arms from behind as the other man squared his shoulders.  “What do you want, Mikhail?”  They were all well aware of the reporters looking on in interest.

Mikhail narrowed his eyes.  “I come to bring my fiancé home.”

“If you are talking about me, I never accepted your proposal.  The fact that I left and you haven’t seen me in months should have been answer enough.  I have no desire to be married to you or in any relationship with you for that matter.”

“You never cleared the apartment,” he countered.  “So many things were left behind.”

“That’s my past.  I’m moving forward.  Now, let me go.”  Victor’s eyes narrowed, piercing as he leveled them at the other man who may have the advantage of height on Victor as well as physical strength.  However, strength of will seemed to be leaning in favor of the silver-haired Russian.

“This isn’t over,” Mikhail warned.

Victor drew himself up to his full height, lifting his chin, and stated coldly, “Trust me. It is.”  

At that point, security stepped in and removed Mikhail from the premises.  Reporters converged but the bodyguards were able to load the skaters and their coaches into the waiting black Explorers.  They drove directly back to the hotel.

Victor held his back straight until they reached the safety of their room.  Here he collapsed into Yuuri’s embrace.  Chris ushered Phichit into the room and closed the door, securing the extra locks.  “Why won’t he just stay away?” Victor cried, shaking in Yuuri’s arms.

Yuuri brought him over to the bed.  “Bring me a blanket,” he called over to no one in particular.  Phichit handed him something soft and fuzzy and Yuuri recognized it as one that he packed in his luggage.  A smile jerked at his lips momentarily.  This blanket had comforted Yuuri on several occasions as he worked through his own breakdowns and Phichit knew that well.  Wrapping it around Victor’s shoulders and snuggling him into its folds, he murmured, “We’ve got you.  You’re safe now.”

Victor looked up, his eyes glittering with unshed tears.  “I know.  I’m just…frustrated.  I want to move on and he still has this hold on me.”

“No.  He doesn’t,” Yuuri stated firmly.  “You made the break clear.”

“He won’t listen,” Victor surmised.

Yuuri slipped his fingers through Victor’s hair before leaning forward to brush a kiss on his forehead.  “Then we’ll make him.  I won’t let him have you.  You are not an object to be owned.”

A smile tugged at Victor’s lips and he nodded.  Yuuri slipped in behind him, wrapping Victor in his arms.  It was then that he realized the rest of the activity in the room.  Phichit had his computer out, opened up and digging through data.  Chris was on his phone and after a moment, Yuuri realized he was talking with his partner.  He disconnected and offered a pained smile.

“Lawrie was worried after he learned about the confrontation,” Chris explained.  “He’s on his way over here.  I asked him to bring something to eat because we were staying in.”

Victor leaned his head into Yuuri’s neck and murmured, “I’m sorry.  You don’t have to stay.”

Chris dropped down in the bed in front of Victor and took his hand.  “Actually, I do.  Because if I leave without seeing this through, I would not sleep.  So if you will indulge me, I’m going to remain until this situation stabilizes.  I want to make sure you are safe and well.”

Victor sat up and looked at Chris with a surprised expression then shocked both Yuuri and Chris when he threw his arms around the Swiss man.  Chris quickly returned the embrace.  As Victor sat back, he turned to Phichit curiously.  “What are you working on?”

“At the moment, I have two things in process.  I could use your help, Yuuri.  It’s hard to track Mikhail and to monitor and subvert social media.”

Yuuri rubbed Victor’s back.  “Will you be okay if I leave you in Chris’s care?”

Victor nodded, unfolding his knees and relaxing a little.  He watched Yuuri pull out his own laptop and perch next to Phichit on the other bed.  They began interacting on some technical details on the computer, things beyond his comprehension.  Turning back to Chris, he watched the other man shrug.  “I never could keep up with what they do, either,” he confessed.

“How did you and Yuuri become friends?” Victor asked.

Chris chuckled.  “Now that’s a story.  You know about the Lost Boys, oui ?”  Victor nodded in response.  “Well, a few years back, I was acquainted with Yuuri.  We skated against each other and had that sort of  competitive camaraderie.  He had no idea what was going on in my personal life.  I was private.  The D/s life is not mainstream and is not necessarily accepted by others.  And some use it against you.  So I had my public face and the one I reserved for private times.”

“I understand about that,” Victor murmured.

Chris nodded.  “The problem is that not all doms are good to you.  Some will use it as an excuse to abuse.  Others are just selfish assholes.  The best will take care of you and make sure you are safe, secure, grounded.  Submitting is tricky because you have to be able to trust the other person to properly sink down into subspace.  The dom I was with the night I met Yuuri received a call.  He abandoned me while I was still down.  I don’t know if the call was important or if he just didn’t care.  I never spoke with him again after that.”

A knock at the door brought all of their attention and Chris’s phone buzzed.  Glancing down, he smiled.  “That’s Lawrie.  One moment, Victor.”  Chris went to the door and opened it to let in another man who also brought in a few bags.  “What did you do?”

The other man shrugged.  “I didn’t know what everyone would want so I picked up a variety of comfort foods and healthy options.  I also grabbed water bottles.  How is your friend?”

Chris guided his partner into the room and secured the door once more.  Depositing the bags on a nearby table, he led the brunette over to meet Victor.  “Victor, this is my partner Lawrence, although we all call him Lawrie.  Lawrie, this is Victor.”

Lawrie dropped down next to Victor and studied him carefully.  “I am a trained psychologist if you need to talk.”

“Th-thank you.  Chris was telling me about how he met Yuuri.”

Lawrie smiled warmly.  “Then I’ll let you have him back while I lay out the food I’ve brought.  I know you all must be hungry.”

“God, yes,” echoed Phichit.

Lawrie chuckled.  “And what does a peach eat?  Honey?”

Phichit wrinkled his nose.  “I should probably stick to protein and veggies.  What do you have?”

“A vegetable tray, some marinated beef and pork, a chicken dish that has a bit of a kick, oh, and rice if you need a carb boost.”

“Yes!  He brought us Chinese food!”

Lawrie chuckled.  “Well, when in Rome…”  He watched Phichit dig through the contents of the food laid out.  Yuuri slipped over second and Lawrie watched with a raised eyebrow as he took a dish to Victor who thanked him softly before preparing his own.  Chris and Lawrie prepared their own next.

Sitting back in front of Victor, Chris murmured, “Now where was I?”

“You’d just been abandoned by your dom,” Victor supplied.

Chris nodded thoughtfully.  “I was slipping into a drop stage, not near as aware of my surroundings as I should be.  I don’t know how long a sat on the roof, feet dangling in the pool when Yuuri came out for fresh air that night.  It was late.  My focus, though, was still narrow.  I couldn’t seem to reach the ground.  Yuuri asked me if I was alright.

“I don’t even know if I answered.”

“You didn’t,” Yuuri supplied.  “You kept staring into the water, that’s how I knew something was wrong.”

“Somehow Yuuri drew my focus on him.  I realized who he was and that he was my fellow competitor.  He had a reputation for being soft spoken.  I…grounded to him.  He coaxed me to go down the elevator with him and I stayed in the room he shared with Phichit that night.  Really, they both took care of me.  Phichit was young…I think seventeen…probably close to eighteen.  Yuuri, he was closer to twenty or twenty-one.  I was young, too…playing with fire before I learned how to keep from being burned.

“I didn’t know…enough to be dealing with the play, enough to protect myself…and because of that I put myself in harm’s way.  Yuuri invited me to spend the summer with him in Hasetsu.  It gave me time to fully recover from the depression that still persisted.  I was safe because Yuuri watched over those he took in.  I didn’t know why.  I just knew I was safe.

“I met Lawrie the following year when I was looking for a tutor to help me keep up my studies during competition season.  He was a TA at the university I attended and we started seeing each other soon after.  It was Lawrie who taught me what I needed to know in order to play safely.  And it was Lawrie who taught me how a dom should care for his sub.  But it was Yuuri that grounded me that night and helped me to come down.  I’m not sure…what would have happened otherwise.”

Victor turned his eyes towards Yuuri and caught the sad smile on his lips, the sadness in his eyes.  He wondered about that sadness.  Victor drew in a deep breath, releasing it shakily.

Phichit’s words cut through those thoughts.  “Are you seeing this?”

Yuuri leaned over, tapping his lips with the crook of his finger while he studied the screen.    “His money trail is telling.  Vitya?  I’m going to put a fraud alert on your identity.  I believe Mikhail is traveling on your credit.”

“W-what?”

“There is a credit card tied to your name with travel going from Russia to China.  I also have the hotel information.”

“What will that do?”

“It gives the authorities further grounds to hold him.  It will at least ensure that he is held while we are in China.”

Victor nodded quietly.  “I guess…that’s something.”

Yuuri typed a few keys, giving a satisfied nod.  “Mikhail Volkov, you are in check.”

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Rise

Victor’s whimpers pulled Yuuri from his sleep and he felt the other man climbing up into his arms, burying himself into Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri tightened his embrace whispering soothing phrases to the younger man.  It took some time to soothe him but eventually he rested once more for a short while. The night was long, though, and Yuuri was awakened more than once by the needs of his partner.

As the morning dawned, both looked worse for the wear and were thankful for the day in between skates.  Yuuri forced Victor to rest through the morning ordering breakfast and lunch to their room.  By afternoon, they were showered and dressed.  The bodyguards escorted them to the practice rink and Victor ran through his free skate and practiced the elements under Yuuri’s direction.  Finally satisfied, Yuuri took him back to their room.

As Yuuri settled onto the bed, he was startled when Victor crawled into his lap.  He realized how much Victor was holding back as he buried himself into Yuuri’s arms.  “How do I let it go?” Victor whispered into Yuuri’s chest.

“Would you like me to bring in Lawrie?  Or maybe Chris?” Yuuri offered, his hand sliding through Victor's hair and down his back.

Victor hesitated then nodded slowly.  He needed to clear his head so that he could skate the next day.  Yuuri sent a text and waited.  It took almost half an hour for them to arrive.

“My apologies, Yuuri,” Lawrie greeted.  “Chris and I were out when you texted.”

“It’s not a problem, Lawrie.  Come in both of you.”

Victor was seated on the sofa in the sitting area wrapped in a blanket.  Yuuri took the space next to him, supporting him.  Chris and Lawrie pulled the two chairs forward to sit close.

“What kind of therapies are you under?” Lawrie asked, seeking some background, not wanting to interfere with what Victor had already undertaken..

Victor looked up surprised.  “Oh, Hashimoto has my Cognitive Based Therapy supported by EMDR.  I was doing well until...this happened.”

“These kinds of things can temporarily derail our therapies but don’t let it hold you back,” Lawrie encouraged.  “I brought Chris because the two of you have already established a rapport.  Yuuri is here for support.  Let’s talk about what happened.”

Victor nodded offering a weak smile to Chris.  “You know my story and what happened yesterday.  What you may not know is that I have vivid nightmares. They start out like yesterday; Mikhail crosses our path trying, somehow, to get me away from Yuuri.  I keep seeing Yuuri try to intervene, and these nightmares...I keep seeing Yuuri killed.  I know that this is a far-fetched scenario, but in my heart this is a very real fear.”

Lawrie took Victor’s hand in his.  Victor trembled, his silver hair falling over half of his face like a waterfall as he leaned forward.  Lawrie covered that hand with his other before speaking.  “Fears are always real to us.  Even the most implausible of fears.  We will not discount them.  Tell me what thoughts have been the most plaguing since yesterday.”

“I keep replaying the confrontation over and over.  Yuuri, you stepped in front of me,” he stated, his voice shaking as he turned to face his partner.

“I know,” Yuuri answered calmly.

Victor shook his head vehemently.  “I…never want you to do that.  If he hurts me, that is a consequence of decisions from my past.  Even though I am trying to move past that, I can’t bear the idea of you getting hurt in the process.”

“Vitya…”  A protest sat at the back of Yuuri’s throat.

“No, Yuuri,” he stated, his voice now unwavering.  “You are not to step between us.  I’ll accept the bodyguards taking that risk but not you.  All of my worst nightmares culminate in you getting hurt, possibly killed.  I can’t bear that.  You must promise me.”

Yuuri held his gaze and tightened his jaw.  “I can’t watch you put yourself at risk.”

“I feel the same,” Victor stated quietly, taking his hand in Yuuri’s, “but I am asking you to allow me to bear my consequence.”

“Vitya…”  Pain edged Yuuri’s voice.

Victor turned towards the other two men.  Chris studied Yuuri uncertainly but Lawrie met his eyes.  “Lawrie, I ask that you mediate for me.”  The older man held his eyes for a long moment before nodding in agreement.

“Lawrie!” Yuuri protested.

“Victor gets to decide what he can live with as a result of his actions,” Lawrie stated firmly.

“But what if I can’t live with him getting hurt?” Yuuri argued.

Lawrie held his friends’ eyes.  “It’s frankly not your decision.  You’ve got the protocols in place to protect him.  Trust them.  Support him but respect his wishes.”

“Thank you,” Victor whispered.

Yuuri frowned.  He was not happy but he didn’t want to add to Victor’s pain or stress.  Thus, he reluctantly agreed.  “I’m going along with this under protest,” he stated, a rare pout in his expression.

His reward was Victor in his arms burying himself close.  “Thank you.  I need this…so thank you.”

Yuuri felt his frown slipping into an indulgent smile.  He looked over at the other two men, his expression tormented.

Lawrie flattened his lips.  He didn’t want to go against Yuuri’s protective instincts but also recognized that this was a necessary step for Victor.  “It’s going to be fine,” he reassured the younger man before him, holding his brown eyes.  He had two years on Yuuri, four on Chris, five on Phichit…and at twenty-nine he sometimes felt like the old man of the bunch.  Not quite in the group, just hanging on the peripheral of this rare dynamic.  Still, Yuuri welcomed him and made him a part since his presence had become regular in Chris’s life.  And now, Yuuri deferred to him in this matter and he hoped he wouldn’t regret siding with Victor, the youngest of them all.

Yuuri nodded reluctantly.  He wanted to believe Lawrie.  But Victor buried in his arms pulled on all of his protective instincts.

After their friends departed, Yuuri tucked in his lover for the night, kissing his hairline as he held onto the younger man.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.    

“I know,” Victor murmured.  He drew a deep breath before continuing.  “I know what I’m asking you isn’t easy.”

Yuuri tightened his embrace.  “No one ever said it was supposed to be easy.”

They fell asleep wrapped up in one another.

Yuuri’s fingers worked adeptly with Victor’s hair, flipping another rubber banded section, one section after another developing a cage around the bulk of his hair.  He then wound the jeweled strands through the silver locks securing it in several locations so that it wouldn’t come loose.

Victor removed his jacket, his costume elegantly fading from black to red to white, crystals tracing arcs that gathered at his left hip to spread across his right shoulder.   A silk scarf ruffle caught the line of the opposite collar creating a V mid-chest.  The left sleeve repeated the ombre dye fading from white at the shoulder through the reds down to black at the fingers where his black glove protected his hand.  The right sleeve was a length of the white silk sprinkled in crystals that continued onto his white glove.

When Victor presented the design to Yuuri, he said that it represented hope and a journey from the dark part of his life to the light.   Yuuri took it to his costumier who created the design from scratch, consulting back and forth with Victor until he was satisfied with the costume.  Yuuri’s costume designed by Victor currently sat on her work table, crystals being attached one by one.

Yuuri took his hands as they approached the entrance to the rink.

“Am I ready?” Victor whispered.

Yuuri nodded.  “In every way.  You are beautiful.  Your program is perfect, designed just for you.  This is your statement to the world, your claim for your humanity.  This is you, declaring that you are taking it all back, that you do not go quietly, but will fight for purchase in this world.  And I am proud to stand beside you as you make this claim.”

Victor stood before the boards, forehead pressed into Yuuri’s.  This was his program.   King .  “Yuuchan?”

“Yes, Vitya?” Yuuri answered, his hands framing Victor’s face tenderly.

“This skate is also for you.”  Victor leaned forward, brushed his lips over Yuuri’s.  “Mikhail may try to take me away but I will always choose you, Yuuri.  I do not belong to him.  That is the most important declaration I can make.”

“You.  You are incandescent, Vitya.” Yuuri’s fingers trailed from Victor’s cheek to his neck.  “And even when someone tries to snuff out your light, you will glow from within, shattering misconceptions.  I saw you before them.  Tell everyone this is who you are.”

Victor’s intake of breath answered him.  Victor ran his thumb over Yuuri’s lips.  “I love you.”  He finished with another brush of lips before finding the opening position for King.  

Victor splayed his fingers before his body, one arm raised more than the other as if shielding himself.  Lowering his head, he waited for the music to cue his movements.  He kicked off the skate with a sense of loss, mourning, his arms heavy, moving back and forth on the ice as if he lacked direction culminating in a spin that wrapped up on the word “control”.  He shoved off with purpose from the spin, shaking off the bonds that held him, the monsters within his thoughts.

The step sequence was designed to show the uncertainty, the self-doubt, imitating a faltering spirit before taking charge once more, reclaiming with a mohawk turn leading into a quad flip.  Yuuri jerked his fist in triumph at seeing the landing nailed…the announcer’s excitement echoed his motion.  The purpose that flowed through Victor manifested into the ambitious jump elements, demanding his body to give him reclamation, demanding that he was more.  Always more.   Until he loved himself once again.

Victor embraced himself as he closed into the final position then raised his arms as the spin enveloped him coming to a stop, one arm raised, the other with the hand fisted over his heart.  Turning to Yuuri, he saw that he also held a hand fisted to his heart.  They were enveloped in one another’s space, holding each other’s eyes.  It took a few moments for the roar of the crowd to reach him and he laughed on realization...pure joy wrapping around him as his head fell back and he spun in a circle.

Skating to the kiss and cry, he jumped into Yuuri’s embrace hearing his answering laugh before he found those lips and claimed Yuuri’s kiss.  Yuuri was definitely his choice and he refused to let Mikhail take him away.

“Come, Vitya.” Yuuri urged as he put on Victor’s guards for him.  They settled into the kiss and cry section and waited for the scoring.

204.96

Victor’s eyes widened as he turned to Yuuri.  “That can’t be right.  I…”

“You skated perfectly,” Yuuri stated quietly.  “This is you.”

“I’ve…never scored like that.  I’ve never broken two hundred,” Victor protested in disbelief.

“This is just the beginning,” Yuuri whispered.  “My amazing, beautiful Victor…you are just now tasting your potential.”

Victor was overwhelmed as he hid into his hands.  He accepted Yuuri’s arms as the older man guided him from the spotlight.  “I did it,” he whispered.  

Chapter Text

PLAYLIST 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

Let Me Love You

They returned to their room after celebrating with their friends.  Phichit’s silver and Chris’s bronze.  Yuuri placed the gold on the nightstand as Victor readied himself for bed, changing into pajama bottoms and a soft t-shirt while Victor was in the bathroom showering off the sweat from earlier.

Yuuri studied the computer screen when he felt the mattress shift.  Looking up, he smiled as Victor crawled across the bed and settled in next to him.  “Netflix?”

Yuuri chuckled.  “I mean, we could.”  Victor leaned over his shoulder snuggling in.  Then he reached around Yuuri and closed the screen.  Yuuri glanced back surprised.  “Or maybe…not?”

“Yuuri…”  His lips brushed against Yuuri’s cheek and his hand slid around Yuuri’s shoulder.

“Vitya?” Yuuri’s breath caught in his throat.  Victor moved around on his knees and removed the laptop from Yuuri’s lap and set it safely off the bed as he leaned across the other man.  Yuuri’s hand rested on Victor’s hip as the younger man rocked back onto his heels.  “Vitya, what are you doing?”

“Yuuri, I want you.  You said…when I’m ready…”

Yuuri sucked in a breath.  “I-I…I said…when we’re both ready.”

Victor’s eyes widened.  “You’re not?”

“I…don’t know.  I mean…I’m not sure?” he confessed.

Victor tilted his head, frowning thoughtfully.  “I-I thought you were waiting on me.”

“I am…but I don’t…” Yuuri drew in a frustrated breath.  “I love you.”  It was a delay tactic and an attempt to reassure Victor.

“You just don’t…want me,” Victor concluded filling in the blanks of the unfinished sentence, his head dropped down, confused and hurt.

Yurri sucked a breath in.  Nothing was ever easy with Victor.  He moved in broad strokes or not at all.  Yuuri reached over and traced his fingers down the side of Victor’s face, lifting his chin.  “It’s not a matter of not wanting you, Vitya,” he began tenderly.  “I…need to tell you something more about myself.  Have you ever wondered why…I cut myself off from sex?”

Victor nodded slowly.  “I thought maybe…you were just shy,” he whispered.

Yuuri smiled softly.  “That could be part of it.  It’s more than that.  When I did…try…I had a panic attack.”

“W-why?  When?”

“I was probably around nineteen.  It was my first year in college.  Before I ever laid eyes on you.   After Hikaru.”

“Did he…do something to you?”

Yuuri shook his head sadly.  “More like I scared the shit out of him.  He took me home, mumbled apologies, and we never spoke again.  I…wasn’t upset about that because I didn’t know him very well.  We had a class together, would grab lunch after, then finally I agreed on a date.  When I arrived at class the next day, he had moved across the room and avoided my eyes.  So I knew it was over.”

“That…must have been startling,” Victor concluded, reaching out to take Yuuri’s hand in his.  “But why did you have a panic attack?”

“Hikaru,” Yuuri said quietly.

“You said you just kissed,” Victor stated with surprise.

“That’s all I ever initiated.  However…the year he lived with us was…difficult.  I…haven’t really told anyone this.  Mari figured part of it out and got Grandfather involved.  Phichit knows there was somebody but…I never offered any details.”

Victor watched him, his eyes wide, processing the information as it tumbled out.

“H-he would sneak into my room.  He wanted a relationship still and…would try to use emotional pressure to get it.  He would talk about how lonely he was, or how bad he felt about himself, trying to use guilt to manipulate me into giving him more than I was comfortable with.  I kept pushing him away.  When that failed, he escalated into really inappropriate behavior.  I woke up more than once with him in my bed.  Sometimes he’d be kissing me and I’d push him away and tell him to back off.  A couple of times…he’d have his hands on me.  One time, he was grinding against me.  It was…bazaar.  I didn’t know how to respond.  That’s when I started escaping to the attic.  When Mari caught me sleeping up there, she called me on it.”

“What…did you say?”

“That Hikaru made me uncomfortable.  She was about to kick him out but I still…felt bad that he had no place to go. His graduation was approaching, so…she talked to Grandfather and he made a place for Hikaru in his Tokyo offices.  I don’t think Grandfather gave him much of a choice.  I know Mari knew I was holding back a lot.”

“They said you weren’t in a relationship with him.”

“And they were right…but that didn’t mean that Hikaru wasn’t pushing for something more.  And…after that, I…well, it feeds into my anxiety.”

“But that one night…that we…”

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “That’s because my focus was on you.  My anxiety was there, though, at the edge of my thoughts, but I was concentrated on you, making you feel good.  And perhaps…I can move past it.  I pushed past it that night.  I truly want to be with you.  But…I don’t want to rush into it.  I need to...test my limits slowly.”

Victor tugged at his hair uncertainly, frowning.  “I was…open to whatever you would want.  It never occurred to me that you…I thought you were just waiting for me.”

“I…was trying to tell you.  It’s hard for me to talk about it.  I buried that past a long time ago.  Ten years.  I only dated in college because it was the normal thing.”  He chuckled wryly at the surprised look Victor gave him.  “Yes…I, too, know what it’s like to force myself to be ‘normal’.  After that disastrous date, I sort of cut myself off.  I focused on skating until Phichit came into my life.”

“Phichit?”