Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

are we ourselves
or are we
coffeee
made to be drunk
dry
bitter with liquid loathing
an aftertaste
are we ourselves
or are we
nametags that say
Hello I'm Stephen
when our legal name is
Qhàlíd
are we ourselves
or are we
belts and tucked in shirts and sneakers
and vacuum cleaners mentos gum
are we ourselves
or hairnets rubbish bags
disposable
rubber gloves touching dirty things
are we ourselves
or are we
rules
and regulations that
bind us and tell us
what to be
are we ourselves
are you you
am I me
in this ever-changing life
can we be
we

Chapter Text

the smell of
fresh lies in the morning
ah! how refreshing

Chapter Text

reflection
                                        two people
                                                                                arguing
for peace                                                                for justice
                                                                                revenge
politics                                   and
                                                                                     loud
                                          unsound
                                         arguments
                                are being thrown about
                            one ricochets around his head
                                                                                and hits
                                        an innocent
                                                                              bystander
another argument stealthily
creeps
disturbs
alarms
                                        the world and
                                                                                   radical
fear inciting
                                        photograph (s
                            which must be true. cannot have
                        been photoshopped. cannot have been
                                  edited. must be true. the
                                         huffingtonpost
                                                and
                                            fox news
said it was true.
                                           so it's true.)
circulate the internet
                                          like a looming
                                              buzzing
                                               WASP.
its never over, never over, never
                                                over
it's always going on ...
                                            the argument
                                                                                continues
two people
                                               sparring
                                                                               with words
                                            over a herd of
humans.

Chapter Text

visiting my boyfriends home
his room, full of photos
of himself

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High above the muck you fly
Above the grau
Polymer town above the
Pores of tacit toiling stone
You soar, wings flapping.

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Spit in my heart

Tear my bleeding wound wide open

and

Pour in some salt

.

I will keep coming back for more

Chapter Text

I'm tired of poets
and their
pretentious sadness
and their
"only a 'sensitive' man has the
'inspiration' to create".


As if you need 'inspiration' to write
words upon a page
and as though
without some degree of actionless pathos
one cannot be <<poetic>>
enough or indeed
move others
with words.


It speaks rather of
lack of
character
rather than any great literary genius
or
<<talent>>.
What is <<talent>> ?
What is talent without the appliance of
hard work
and
a hearty demeanor?

Chapter Text

Dust. Dust on the road you step foot on.
I wave my hand goodbye, the last time I will see you again.
No tomorrow. Tomorrow is lost to the toads of today.
Tomorrow is broken by the bullet lodged deep inside their brain.
Tomorrow is over. Nothing remains.

Your hand is cold. Your lips shiver.
And there is nothing I can do to make you warm again.
Your lips shiver while you tell me not to worry. Not to stay.
You are cold and hungry and I am miles away.
While dust settles on your sweating forehead, all I can do is pray.

I refuse to believe this is all. I refuse to believe you have to take the fall.
Tomorrow can heal us, if we stay alive.
Tomorrow will save you. All you need is to survive.
Even in the deadliest circumstances, you still have a choice.
When the tide comes to take you. Use your voice.

Chapter Text

be the bigger man
and donate
your penis

Chapter Text

Frozen feet make me humble
frozen feet make me weep
make me hunger and trouble
frozen feet make me weak

My umbrella with holes bores
a whole in my head
out come falling insanities
my umbrella is mad

In the pit of my stomach
a Neanderthal cries
he despairs yet he prospers
pukes umbrellas aside

I can't possibly fathom
all the months in this year
it's a bother, a passion,
it's a hell of a year.

Chapter Text

I'm scared of being happy
afraid to take the leap
I'm sad because I worry
and never get to sleep.


My burdened back collapses
in little crumpled heaps
I take too many classes
to hide my own disease.


Afraid alone and worried
I tread across the dark
my torch light weak it flickers
goes out in one bright spark.


Alone at last I wander
the coldest gust of wind
its creepy touch caresses
my pale and wired cheek.


Don't try to get too close
I whisper in your ear
cause thorns adorn the rose
the rose you hold so dear.

Chapter Text

5. writing to reach people yet

3. growing more distant

2. from them

1. every

1. day

Chapter Text

She dreamt of starvation,
she dreamt of a war.
She dreamt of destruction,
and many things more.

She dreamt of catastrophe
She dreamt of the waves
flooding the village
and taking our place.

She dreamt of volcanoes
and smoldering heat
She dreamt of a fire
two minutes too sweet.

She dreamt of the arctic
She dreamt of the ice
She dreamt of a death row
of scurrying mice.

She oft dreamt of flying
She would touch the sky
While we lay there dying,
she'd just scream goodbye.

She dreamt not to kill us
She dreamt just to dream
But most of them people
don't know what I mean.

One day it was over.
She'd started a war
without really knowing
till seconds before.

They pointed their fingers
all straight to her head.
"she is the culprit
we want her dead"

Chapter Text

When I was just a little girl,
my mother sat me down.
She looked me sternly in the eye,
pretending not to frown.

She asked me: "Darling, why do you
continue writing in that book?
What makes you think that when you're done
someone will want to look?"

I looked at her, a little vexed
– for she had doubted me –
but then again, she must be right,
and so I did agree…

I have no talent in the field,
so I should never try
to reach an apple far from me,
when there is one close by.

Now many years have passed since then,
and only now I see,
that I have let my mother's will
decide my destiny…

Chapter Text

Be a writer
not for yourself
not for your friends
But for the Souls you can save

The aching, the haunted,
the ones that no-one wanted
that wander the earth
in search of a place

A place to hide, a place to rest
a means to fit the world at best
solutions, potions do they seek
in books and hidden mysteries.

To lull their pain,
forget the world
to freely jump
not getting hurt

Be a writer
to change the world
to offer people
Hope

Chapter Text

sssissing    soul   cry
driller
poof   arrange        hooo
ll     ooo    it     ooo   in
sunlight   graffiti    trees
my     (s) ear (s)     sssitt
thoooo    s    others
jeopardy    parody     final
legacy
baby    wheel  eeeee    s    head
pett      s   k       sk      sky
scrapers
eating  air  ( w !  ― why, no
184      481     number   number   why ?! )
hoo      whooo s e e e t i n   ne
1   4   8
888    shit   got    l8
focqk    with    f8

Chapter Text

It rained yesterday.
It rained and it washed all the mud down our street.
I went in the garden, my shoes got all wet.
Darn summer showers that smell of soaked earth.
I went in the garden, I set down my fruit basket,
And started to dig.
Until I found strawberries, crushed by the foul phlegm of sand grains and
Dead leaves.
My hands still felt cold when I washed them with hot, steamy water
From under the tap. I closed it, and ran
Ran down the porous cement stairs that stung my bare feet,
To the beat of a popular tune our neighbor Jerry played,
To my friend's house.
My friend used to stick strawberries to the tips of her fingers and
Eat them off, licking her lips with vigor.
I knocked on the door twice and waited, strawberry basket in hand.
My hand wouldn't reach the doorbell those years,
Even standing on tiptoes.
When minutes passed and I heard nothing but the roar of an airplane's rotor,
I knew just where she would be.
Pushing my head between iron bars of the fence, wiggling
Wiggling myself inside.
My bum touched the wet grass as I fell into it,
Strawberries scattered around me.
I picked them up.
With my basket beside me, I skipped round her house,
Past the yellow tulips her mother had planted.
I skipped round the house, and called out her name.
She didn't answer.
For a long wretched second I thought I was wrong,
I was wrong and she wasn't out here.
With my hands, I pushed through the bush of white jasmine.
Some petals fell, got torn and twisted up by my toes, and I didn't care.
They were just petals.
Just petals,
Not a girl, a girl I knew, a girl I maybe loved.
I say maybe because we were so young back then.
When I pushed past the jasmine bush, head first, I saw her.
She was hanging from a tree.
Her bare feet pointing straight down, so unlike Wile E Coyote when he found
No land under him.
Her face looked so pale, her hair hung free.
I walked over and held her hand.
It was cold
And wet like the leaves and the grass
After the rain that had buried my strawberries.
I remembered my mom said not to stay too long.
So I walked back to the front of the house, and climbed through the fence
And walked up the porous cement stairs. A lizard ran past me.
I lunged in to catch it, but it shed its tail and fled under our house.
Twisting my head on the muddy walk, I peered down the hole,
Yet I couldn't see it.
"What are you doing?" my mom said. "I just washed your clothes.
What are you doing getting them dirty again?"
So I jumped up and wiped the grime off my knees,
Dropping the lizard tail somewhere,
And I flashed her a big cheery smile, and told her how
Sorry I was.
"Fine. We're having Mexican for dinner tonight."
She paused, and looked at me strangely.
Her neck made a sharp angle with the rigid set of her shoulder blades,
And I swear that she inhaled deeply before asking
"Where's your fruit basket?"
I walked in the house, in the kitchen. Not looking at her
I sat down on one of the chairs, fingering the plastic placemat.
"I lost it."

Chapter Text

Sleepy houses dense with fog
Sleepy streets without a soul
Sleepy boilers lowly wine
Sleepy vapor teacup rise


Sleepy lips ceramic touch
Sleepy teeth bite bread and chew
Sleepy thoughts together come
Sleepy motions one to one


Sleepy daylight savings time
Sleepy steps on railway line
Sleepy shiver cold to touch
Sleepy wake-up but not much


Sleepy sorries curt replies
Sleepy mornings sandy eyes.

Chapter Text

Tell me, tell me, is there hope
in a land without a sun?
In a country where the skies
are always dark and glum?


Tell me, tell me, do you pray
to the cold electric light?
Your priests wear suits and ties,
preach from tall steel towers ― right?


Tell me, tell me, is it fun
to be stuck all day inside?
Talk through glass fiber wires,
and never lift your own behind?


Tell me, tell me, how do you
feel today?
Try to answer without emoticons or memes,
on a scale from 1 to 10?

Chapter Text

Easily you fall for me
Easily you crumble
Learn to do things easily
Easily you mumble
/
What if I will never learn?
Easily I stumble
Will you teach me,
Will you turn?
/
Easily I crumble

Chapter Text

you found your Daddy's porn mag, and now you think you're badass

you stayed up late and drank your Momma's gin, you think you're badass

you woke up with a girl in bed. you think you're badass.

you prank called the police and got away with it, you think you're badass.

you spray painted your name on an elementary school wall...so badass

you wrote a death note, and thought it was so badass

you picked on the kid with glasses -- he's such a nerd
unlike you -- you, are badass.



you went and called the lunch lady fat, you think you're badass

you drive a second hand corvette with peeling paint, you think you're badass

you ripped two holes in your newest store-bought pants, you think you're badass

you wrote an emo poem to post on the net, you think you're badass

you don't know who was President before Clinton, and you don't care. you think you're badass.

you couldn't even locate your home town on a map...so badass

you went to the shooting range and missed all targets,
you didn't tell your friends about it.



Cause it's not badass.

Chapter Text

I want to see beauty in the streets
in sunken eyes and mouths made too deep
in thinning hair and tired jaws
in fleshy hands resembling paws

in whispered threats and violent oaths
that never reached the ones they loathed
in letters that have not been sent
in sturdy backs that now are bent

I want to see and touch the truth
regain the last joys of our youth
I want to dance, I want to sing

ignite the fire deep within
where years have worn the softer side to
rubble kept intact by only pride.

Chapter Text

Call me now
a feather
soft and floating
mirroring
in countless oceans

Call me fast
a silent river
overbearing, overflowing
mad and darting
it's all showing

Call me daylight
that I am
alone and sullen
tender,
strong

Call me whatever
the hell you
like
I will prove you
wrong

Chapter Text

Hard to trust
-once you're bitten
Hard to love
-once you're rough
Hard to make better friends
-once you're all out of luck
Hard to help out a stranger
-once some dude ripped you off
Hard to hide all that anger
-once it's bubbling up

But there's no point in trying
to get rid of these things
Hard things come for a reason
-once you'll know what it is.

Chapter Text

The power of the empty page
that tosses turns and sways
that dims the light within
the writer's heart at whim.

Unleash yourselves, break free
uproot with urgency
usurp your minds, do what you can
upset the empty like a man.

Venture deep inside the cave
vomit words like tidal waves
violate the sandy shore
void yourselves of vintage gore.

When the fire dulls the hearth
white-lipped writers suck their flask
with a sturdy endless grasp
wring the ending out at last.

Chapter Text

rewrite the rewrite
until your fingers
bleed

Chapter Text

I want to wrap you in my blanket,
to keep you from prying eyes.
I want to roll down the hills with you,
kiss you under clear blue skies.

I want to hold your hand when night falls,
and tell you not to cry.
For no matter what the people say,
you will always be mine.

Chapter Text

soothing me
trusting you
I feel fine
trusting you


lay my head
in your neck
I feel fine
here with you


I don't care
what they think
what they think
and hide inside


with you
I feel fine
I'm glad
I am yours


and you are mine.

Chapter Text

purple, like the sun
its pale yellow petals fr
agile and soft to the touch
burn in the fire
of sunlight and warm
hot red cheeks dazzling
        strong

        wrong
discarded, hated by all
loved by none
willowy frozen tears falling
shlup shlup they tell
no one . believe in the silence
of tear streaked eyes

Chapter Text

bathroom roach, o bathroom roach
wherefore art thou bathroom roach?

Chapter Text

Evening settles over blue
indigo city scape
orange glows from a
trillion tiny window panes
as cars rumble off
to distant places
and above
the moon
glows white
brightest of all through dense violet clouds
commands attention
of mice and men alike
who
sequestered in their cells of concrete
behold the sky
in awe

Chapter Text

take a deep breath

it's over

light fog of steam rises up your sleep cup

head doing whirlwinds

lie down roll over on your back

see the ceiling's gyrating shadows

it's been a long night you'll be alright

a shudder a rubber a slapper

teapot calls you

you rise

lap up some new lies

feels sweet your tongue; honeyed poison

your teeth are rotten and golden

awake groan the stairs

and dull unprepared

your flat mates tumble down snoring

white dusk new musk

kiss her neck and forget

the night

forget the night you forgot her

Chapter Text

Sweaty and juicy
you lie on the floor.
Your fat belly showing,
you're grunting for more.

Now I've got you captured,
you don't seem to mind,
so I lay my hand
on your filthy behind.

The tension is rising,
along with the thrill,
the ecstasy swooning,
prepare for the kill!

But then I remember,
let go of my fork,
and cry out to God:
"Why can't I eat porc?"

Chapter Text

I want to fuck you over
I want to be a tool
Now baby don't make no mistake
And hand me reigns to rule

You're crying for disaster
If you do as you please
No boundaries can stop me now
So bitch don't be a tease

We're waking and faking and
Joking and praying just
Stay
the way you are
Stay
here at the bar

We're dancing we're breaking
We're faking we're making
A whole other world here
under your skin
In the slight dip and dent
round your navel thing

thingy thing

Chapter Text

Enclosed in darkness, my frigid
window pane, in cold morning fog
he sits, alone, I wish I could
kiss his doubts away, and wonder
'will he ever?', I'll never know.

/

I remember hands on me, he
used to tell me, 'you'll be okay',
and faded paper in my hand
is all I have for memory.
A full moon rises up ahead.

/

Oh how I wish he would return
his voice, his breath, his scent around
my glass of vodka, vodka on
rocks he bought me, you know I still
keep it. I don't like alcohol.

/

He always knew just how I felt
could coax me with a look, a word,
and I was his, yet he didn't say
anything. Just sat there and stared
fists clenched arms folded, over tea.

/

Older, older, I'm never old
enough, to see stained evening snow
even though it collects at my
feet and won't let go, no no no!
He wants me safe and protected.

/

It means a stroke of sleepless nights
thick protruding veins, hazy blur,
three beer cans later, on the floor.
Try to move on, nothing works but
bashing my head against the wall

/

'i love you i love you i love...
collapsing head-first on my bed'
at three AM, cats howl nearby.
Come back. Come home. Don't make me cry.
You are the reason I still try

Chapter Text

sip the poison from the glass
down the last drop, off the mask
fingers touch and yield too fast
sweet and vulgar, make them gasp

learn to stop before you drop
heading for the latest shock
tail toes wired, lace and rock
nothing now can shake them off

don't forget that love is sweet
true love withers, wrecks its feet
basest weeds feel best at ease
when the world itself will cease

Chapter Text

Longing objections validate everything.

L.O.V.E.

Chapter Text

 Leave a mark

 in your shadow.

  - 2 -

 Your sweet shadow follows

 me

 everywhere.

Chapter Text

Fucking pretentious pricks
sucking on their dicks
treating them with care
all the fag fanfare

Lollipops, balloons
idiotic goons
Spit and garbage they consume
eating with a silver spoon

Licking sweat,
pissing wet
fucking upside down rejects
lost to games and porn cassettes.

Films of irony and joy
your malicious evil ploy
Stick a finger up and try
radiating off the sky.

Chapter Text

We're burning the flag
We're dressed up in drag
We don't give a fuck
anymore.

It's time to dig deep
It's time, take the leap
It's time to surrender
you whore.

Buy weapons, buy guns
Buy crack just for fun
Buy fuel and gas,
all for free.

The pattering sound
The battling crowd
The tear and they break
at the seams.

Chapter Text

Kale kale kale

and only

kale 

Chapter Text

the coke addict

slowly stumbles

to the Coca-Cola store 

Chapter Text

Subject.

my life
is fictional
how about yours?

Re: Subject

my life is fictitious

Chapter Text

noisy NOISY streets

under the heavens

washed out layers

under the legs

of storming ladies

sewage showers muddy leather

cross capricious pigheaded

weather
walking walking stalking talking

taking all of us
together

why on earth and
nosy strangers staring bulging
i's
blink for a second


life lost game = over


snivel headache

fuck me



i am one of them

Chapter Text

Late night whispers

Outdoor whiskers

Luminous eyes watch 

Chapter Text

Be who you are

Not what you feel

Be who you are

Not what they need

Be who you are

Do as you please

Be who you are

Till you're covered in sleaze

Chapter Text

thirst quenching lemonade on a long day
leaves one lonely thought gone astray
burnd by the autumn, fall of the tree
it slums along slowly, burdened by grief.

passing from stranger to stranger it flies
brightly a kite rips right through the skies
and tangles the wire with it along
the little child staggers, tries to hold on.

no snowman is lost, no workman is spared
it catches you swiftly and unprepared
don't worry the feeling of freezing will pass
don't worry, you know this insider won't last. 

Chapter Text

Close your eyes

and sigh

into the distance. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

........................................ OwO ................................................ || ....... ||  ........................  UwU ......... <_____< ....... ^___^ .....!!

Chapter Text

Why do I keep on living?

Why is each day the same?

Who caused this dreadful feeling?

And why am I to blame?

Chapter Text

It would be much more easy,

to close my eyes and fall,

into the velvet darkness

from which I tried to crawl… 

Chapter Text

Cave in, breathe deep, lie still, don't weep.

/

Green leaves are plastered on your back, hot and damp.

//

Stay awake, don't sleep. Stay awake, please.

//

You have a fever, you're burning cold.

/

That's it, drink up, ignore the mold.

/

You cough, sit, a pillow props you up.

//

Stay awake, don't sleep. Stay awake, please.

//

Let's pray to Tui, to the fullest moon,

/

we pray to tui, recover soon.

/

Chapter Text

Laughing lillies
              in the pond
laughing laughing
              cackling crows
beak open wide
              stick a lollypop inside
crying crying
              lying in the sun

It's the simple little joys that
                      make you feel you've won
Butter sandwiches with beef
                      butterflies
Honest painfully honest
                      butterlies

Fluttering muttering ugly curses
                      butter butter butter stutter
You'll end up in the gutter
                      jubilant!