Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

pidgeon invited spacedad, cryptidkeith, whataboutsporks, sharpshooter and matthewisameme to the CRYPTIDS FOREVER group chat

pidgeon: mood = cryptid

cryptidkeith: okay but same

sharpshooter: babe that's because you are a cryptid

matthewholt: this is like the third cryptid-related chat i've been invited to this week and honestly ive never been more proud

pidgeon: thanks matt <3 so how's my fellow cryptids

whataboutsporks: bro we barely know anything about cryptids, except you and keith

sharpshooter: and matt apparently

spacedad: the dad approves

pidgeon: see it all works out

pidgeon: so

pidgeon: who's ready to get  S P OO P Y

sharpshooter: mEEE I ALREADY HAVE MY COSTUME PICKED OUT

pidegon: me too 

pidgeon: im going to be dIPPER PINES

matthewisameme: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!!!!

pidgeon: you can be mabel

matthewisameme: ???

matthewisameme: nO I WANT TO BE BILL CIPHER

matthewisameme: no one wants to be bill right??

sharpshooter: right

sharpshooter: IM GOING TO BE A SHARK

cryptidkeith: save us now

sharpshooter: and you're going to be a hippo

whataboutsporks: G A SP 

pidgeon: GAY G A S P

spacedad: REALLY???

cryptidkeith: I NEVER AGREED ON THAT

cryptidkeith: besides lance we had a deal!! cHANGE THE USERNAME

sharpshooter: sighs

sharpshooter changed their name to razzledazzle

razzledazzle: happy bitch

cryptidkeith: yes

pidgeon: /sarcastic bow like katniss/

razzledazzle: Y E S 

matthewisameme: we are both such memes

razzledazzle: we are, aren't we?

whataboutsporks: so what are everyone's plan for halloween?

razzledazzle: oh no

spacedad: here comes the long cryptid speech

pidgeon: i'm sO GLAD YOU ASKED

cryptidkeith: M O O D my dude

pidgeon: SO

pidgeon: keith and i have picked out the best halloween movies to watch together as a team, including Hocus Pocus, Nightmare before Christmas, Halloweentown, The Corpse Bride, Beetlejuice, and more

razzledazzle: YES FAM WE'RE GOING THROWBACK

matthewisameme: *wipes tear* the memories

pidgeon: tHAT'S WHY I DID IT FAM :D

cryptidkeith: i've never watched Hocus Pocus before though, but Pidge said it was good

razzledazzle: lmao right you weren't there at the Garrison when we watched it before fall break

cryptidkeith: damn

matthewisameme: also hOW DOES ONE NOT KNOW OF HOCUS POCUS?

cryptidkeith: i dont watch tv a lot okay

razzledazzle: he never watched the charlie brown cartoons either

spacedad: *clutches heart*

spacedad: *dies*

whataboutsporks: same dude

pidgeon: and Lance and I planned all the candy we want Coran to buy at the space mall

razzledazzle: we have everything from lollipops to milkyways and honestly im so pUMPED

whataboutsporks: how did you guys manage to find those at the space mall??

razzledazzle: well technically all of the items listed above are like alien equivalents

whataboutsporks: oh

whataboutsporks: well i'm going to make a very special lava cake for this event!

razzledazzle: HELL YES!! Hunk's cooking, candy, movies, weird mothman cult shit because of Keith and Pidge, what else do we need? not to mention badass costumes

cryptidkeith: im still not wearing a fucking hippo outfit

razzledazzle: YES YOU WILL EVEN IF IT MEANS I HAVE TO PUT IT ON YOU MYSELF

spacedad: woah

mattewisameme: kinky

cryptidkeith: SHUT UP MATT

spacedad: anything else we're missing?

pidgeon: hmm, do you know what Allura's going to be for halloween?

spacedad: beyonce

matthewisameme: what??

razzledazzle: G A S P really?? oMG I HAVE TO SEE THIS

spacedad: nah jk

razzledazzle: oh

razzledazzle: /dreams dying/

spacedad: she's going to be a princess mermaid or whatever

pidgeon: oh great now you broke Lance

razzledazzle: NO WAY 

whataboutsporks: wait im confused

razzledazzle: iF ANYONE'S GOING TO BE A PRINCESS MERMAID IT'S ME

cryptidkeith: omfg

cryptidkeith: we've created a monster

matthewisameme: too late to back down now lmao

pidgeon: dude if you actually go as a princess mermaid i will legit worship you for the next two months

razzledazzle: I SHALL OUTPRINCESS AND OUTMERMAID ALLURA!!! I WILL BE THE BEST MERMAID YOU'VE EVER SEEN

cryptidkeith: are you serious??

razzledazzle: oh shush do YOU want to be the princess mermaid?

cryptidkeith: 

cryptidkeith: no

razzledazzle: that's what i thought

cryptidkeith: im just surprised you didn't do what you usually do when someone mentions beyonce

razzledazzle: oh, you mean

razzledazzle: H O U S T O N, T E X A S  B  A  B  Y 

cryptidkeith:...i hate you

razzledazzle: you know you love me (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ

cryptidkeith: the sparkles are so working

razzledazzle: you know it ;))))

pidgeon: OKAY ANYWAYS

pidgeon: isn't that all? 

spacedad: unless keith wants to crack open his emo music playlist

matthewisameme: we shall make the most emo playlist bro

cryptidkeith: i hate you all

cryptidkeith:  but i love halloween so i'll do it

whataboutsporks: hey keith?

cryptidkeith: yes?

whataboutsporks: is halloween you're favorite holiday?

cryptidkeith: i mean...

matthewisameme: duh because cryptids

cryptidkeith: well i mean 

razzledazzle: ... //prepare for big emo speech//

cryptidkeith: it's the only holiday i could relate to, you know? like...when you think about it it's just about the creatures we labeled as "evil" or "scary"  or whatever and like ... people can relate to being labeled as something they're not because society is cruel and controls everyone's actions and thoughts and... all that... i mean im not saying if the creatures were real (assuming they're not real yknow) they'd NOT be evil because fuck that would be a bad assumption but like it's kind of like them thinking we're all evil and hey maybe we are bUT-- honestly wtf am i saying

spacedad: ...keith, my child....

spacedad: stop being one character arc away from shopping at hot topic

cryptidkeith: i want mothman to be @ hot topic so he can put on my eyeliner

matthewisameme: g A Y

pidgeon: fuck off matt that was my line!

cryptidkeith: what does that have to do with me being gay?

allura joined the group chat

allura: he's only gay for lance

razzledazzle: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?

allura: i heard one of you bitches said they'd make a better princess mermaid than me

pidgeon: h o ly s h i t

spacedad: run lance

matthewisameme: before the space mom kills you

pidgeon: m o t h m a n is h e r e 

matthewisameme: bruh wtf

pidgeon: lol sorry i thought this was a thing now

cryptidkeith changed allura's username to spacemom

spacemom: thanks keith <3

cryptidkeith: np space mommy

crpytidkeith: fuck did i really just-

razzledazzle: LOL space mommy

spacemom: so

spacemom: i heard you were talking shit

spacedad: ooh yeah he's done for

whataboutsporks: i'll bake cookies for your funeral

razzledazzle: chocolate ones?

whataboutsporks: of course :)

cryptidkeith: welp meet you in hell

razzledazzle:...

whataboutsporks:...

cryptidkeith: gosh im joking

matthewisameme: fuck it if we're doing this spacemom shit...

mattewisameme changed their name to mattshirogane

mattshirogane: B O O M

spacedad: g a s p

razzledazzle: welp anyways

razzledazzle: is this the part where you kill me

spacemom: yes

razzledazzle: make it quick

spacedad: NO ALLURA

spacedad: I wanted to be the one to die

mattshirogane: NO WTF

mattshirogane: I DIDNT CHANGE MY USERNAME FOR NOTHING BRO

mattshirogane: WE GO DOWN TOGETHER

mattshirogane: besides i dont want to change my username

razzledazzle changed mattshirogane's username to mattshiroGONE

razzledazzle: lol

mattshiroGONE: fuck you

razzledazzle: let me have fun before my demise

spacemom: wow you guys take this a little too seriously...

razzledazzle: ...so you're not going to kill me?

spacemom: of course not :))

razzledazzle: good 'cause I was going to get my Samurai up in this and that bitch doesn't fuck around

cryptidkeith changed his name to Samurai

Samurai: i don't fuck around 

Samurai: if you fuck with my man i'll burn your house down

razzledazzle: b l e s s 

pidgeon: goals

spacedad: GOALS

Samurai: you can change your username back now

razzledazzle: YEET

razzledazzle changed their username to sharpshooter

sharpshooter: that's more like it bro 

pidgeon: what did we learn today kids?

spacedad: no that's my line

spacedad: WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY CHILDRENS??

whataboutsporks: basically?

Samurai: don't fuck with lance

whataboutsporks: ...i was going to say "we're one big happy spoopy family" but that works too

Samurai: ok but just

Samurai: just don't fuck with Lance

pidgeon: ....

pidgeon: WELP TIME TO DO OUR CULT KEITH

Samurai: y e s 

pidgeon and Samurai have left the group chat

whataboutsporks: ...welp that happened

TO BE CONTINUED...

Chapter Text

Lotor added Acxa, Ezor, Zethrid and Narti to the group chat

Zethrid: ugh another one of these

Ezor: I WANT A COOL USERNAME THIS TIME

Zethrid: i just think it's stupid

Acxa: Is there anything you need, sir?

Narti: I can't see shit (especially the haters)

Ezor: how are you typing

Narti: im not, the cat is

Zethrid: h o w

Narti: mind powers, bitch

Lotor: Ladies! I'm glad you could make it

Ezor: are we in trouble?

Lotor: no

Ezor: because i told you we weren't the ones who murdered that one short alien dude 

Narti: you're going to get us caught one day

Lotor: ENOUGH

Ezor: cuz really that bitch had it coming tbh

Narti: DUDE

Narti: STOP

Lotor: anyways

Lotor: we're here to talk about our plans for taking down Dicktron

Lotor: i mean Voltron

Lotor: and we're using these fancy smancy computers because why the fuck not

Lotor: also my Mother is being a bitch and keeps spying on me

Ezor: i wish i had a mom

Lotor: ...Right

Ezor: ALSO IT'S GOING TO BE HALLOWEEN SOON YAYYYYY

Lotor: wha t

Acxa: ?

Lotor: what the FUCK is a halloween

Zethrid: sighs she's obsessed with this weird holiday weird humans celebrate or whatever

Ezor: I heard the paladins talking about it!

Acxa: and it's not like I know anything about it

Acxa: not like i've ever been to Earth sweats nervously and i'm totally not a double agent tf   narrator calls it, kind of

Ezor: there's candy

Lotor: what's candy??

Ezor: it's this sugary stuff that tastes sweet and gives you cavities

Lotor: sounds...awful

Narti: i forgot you're allergic to happiness

Lotor: lmao ikr cries

Acxa: there, there, our overdramatic patron

Ezor: ALSO I PICKED OUTFITS

Acxa: what do you mean?

Ezor: you're going to be a fairy princess

Acxa: what the fuck no

Ezor: PLEASE??? I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU'D LOOK LIKE IN A DRESS

Acxa: NO

Acxa: NEVER

Lotor: my wedding vows lmao

Zethrid:...

Lotor: welp

Zethrid: so any ideas?

Zethrid: about the Voltron thing, not Halloween

Ezor: :"(

Ezor: OOH ME ME I HAVE AN IDEA

Lotor: Yes, Ezor?

Ezor: we can use haggar to use her witchy powers then imprison her and force her to give us candy so we can rdie off into the sunset victorious as the queens of the universe while zarkon grants us magical powers which makes everything we touch sparkle because i really love sparkles

Lotor: Ezor, sweetie

Ezor: yes?

Lotor: that's never going to fucking happen

Ezor: :(

Lotor: any other stupid ideas

Zethrid: i say we just get a bunch of weapons and slaughter them

Lotor: ok, but how?

Zethrid: idk but we can be like "OPEN UP BITCHES" and raid them

Lotor: i don't  want to get my hands dirty so

Lotor: don't want to ruin this perfect manicure

Acxa: How about we wait until they're distracted and then hack into their systems and shit. then we can take out the dumb one(s?) and maybe trick the others into coming outside their castle ship thingy. i have a whole powerpoint set up actually

Zethird: and then yell "tRICK OR TREAT BITCH"

Ezor:... you're no fun

Acxa: Well, it's better than you're plan

Ezor: wanna bet

Acxa: Yes

Ezor: we attacc but we also protecc

Narti: can you guys pls stfu

Narti: thanks

Zethrid changed Narti's name to SAVAGE

Zethrid: i have to admit the usernames are nice

SAVAGE changed their name to icantseeshit

icantseeshit: i actually like this 

Ezor: MY TURN

Ezor changed their name to rainbowsupernova

Zethrid: why

rainbowsupernova: because I'm a LESBIAN

Acxa: you guys disgust me

Lotor changed his name to PrinceLoreal

PrinceLoreal: cuz im hair goals 

Zethrid changed their name to badbitchz

badbitchz changed PrinceLoreal's name to SatanElf

rainbowsupernova: HAHHAHAHAHHAHA

SatanElf: i see how it is fam

rainbowsupernova: lmao whatcha gonna do? murder us? LOL

SatanElf: LOL

SatanElf: /puts away knife/

rainbowsupernova: wait-

Acxa: Sir?

SatanElf: yes?

Acxa: i think harggar wants to speak with you, she keeps trying to hack into the chat

SatanElf: DRAMATIC BAY BOY SIGH

SatanElf  changed their name to PrinceReginaGeorge

rainbowsupernova: wait wut

PrinceReginaGeorge: mOM I KNOW YOU'RE HEAR COME OUT ALREADY YOU LITTLE BITCH

Zarkon invaded the group chat

ZARKONDEAWESOME: DON'T CALL YOUR MOTHER A BITCH

PrinceReginaGeorge: YOU'RE NOT MY DAD

ZARKONDEAWESOME: yes i am the fuck?

PrinceReginaGeorge: GO SUCK A DICK

PrinceReginaGeorge kicked out ZARKONDEAWESOME

badbitchz: i didn't know that was possible

PrinceReginaGeorge changed their name to Lotor

Lotor: it doesn't matter

Lotor: lET'S BURN THE WITCH

Acxa: i dont think it's wise to say that when she can see literally everything we're typing

Lotor: I DONT GIVE A SHIT

Lotor: FIGHT ME MOM

Haggar joined the group chat

Haggar: shut the fucco up

Lotor: MAKE ME

Haggar: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Lotor: ...

Lotor: ...damn all i did was call you a bitch, wtf

Haggar: im taking away your hair products

Haggar: also ive been tracking you through narti this whole time lmao bye hoes

Haggar has left the group chat

Lotor: WHAT THE FUCK

Lotor: lotor.exe has stopped working

Acxa: Sir! Is there anything we can do to help?

Lotor: yes, come here

rainbowsupernova changed their name to Ezor

Ezor: gotcha

--

Ezor started a new group chat called QUEENSFTW

Ezor: guys! what do you think is going on?

Narti: i don't know, but if he starts singing to britney spears again i called it 

Ezor: anyone else questioning the fact that he's been super... more overdramatic than usual?

Zethrid: i mean... i guess. but it doesn't matter. once Lotor's done with his plan we'll get what we came here for.

Ezor: i hope so

Acxa: everything will be okay, guys. This is LOTOR. He's been by our side for a long time. We can trust him

Ezor: he called his mom a bitch

Zethrid: and told Zarkon to suck a dick lmao

Acxa: WHO DOESN'T HAVE A BITCHY MOM

Narti: sighs i just want to get this over with tbh

Ezor: guys im telling you something doesn't feel right

Acxa: oh pls Ezor we'll be fine. you're acting as if we're going to die

Ezor: yeah i guess you're right. that's never going to happen lol

--

Acxa, Ezor, Zethird and Narti joined Lotor's group chat

Acxa: we're here sir

Ezor: why are we still typing

Lotor: because it's fun.. and for the sake of documenting this poor girl's death

Lotor: *stabs Narti*

Lotor: sorry fam nothing personal

Narti: MMMMM WHATCHA SAAAAAAYYY

Narti: *dies*

Acxa: WHAT THE FUCK??????

Lotor: sorry gals had to

Lotor: yall still love me

Acxa: EXCUSE YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH???

Lotor: chill bro we're all good

Acxa: I SEE YOU

Acxa: I SEE WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT FAM

Acxa: IN FACT YOU'RE NOT FAM ANYMORE

Lotor: Acxa, it's not whar you think!!!

Acxa: *pulls out gun* OH SHUT UP! I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH!!!!

Acxa: FOR NARTI!!!!!

Acxa: *shoots his sorry ass*

And that's the end of Lotor bye

Chapter Text

Acxa: I DON'T LIKE YOUR LITTLE GAMES

Acxa:  I DON'T LIKE YOUR TILTED STAGE

Acxa: THE ROLE YOU MADE ME PLAY

Acxa: OF THE FOOL, NO I DON'T LIKE YOU

Acxa: I DON'T LIKE YOUR PERFECT CRIME

Acxa: HOW YOU LAUGH WHEN YOU LIE

Acxa: YOU SAID THE GUN WAS MINE 

Acxa: ISN'T COOL, NO, I DON'T LIKE YOU

Acxa: But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time

Acxa: hONEY I ROSE UP FROM THE DEAD I DO IT ALL THE TIME

Acxa: I've got a list of names and yours is in red underlined

Acxa: I check it once, then I check it twice OH

Acxa: Ooh, look what you made me do

Acxa: Look what you made me do

Acxa: Look what you just made me do

Acxa: Look what you just made me

Acxa: Ooh, look what you made me do

Acxa: LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

Acxa: LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

Acxa: LOOK WHAT YOU JUST MADE ME DO

Acxa: LOOK WHAT YOU JUST MADE ME DO

Acxa: The world moves on, another day, another drama, dRAMA

Acxa:  But not for me, not for me, all I think about is KARMA

Acxa: And then the world moves on, but one thing's for sure...

Acxa: Maybe I got mine...

Acxa: ...but you'll all get yours

Zethrid: ...

Ezor: ...

Acxa: karma, bitch

Ezor: O_O

Zethrid: were those lyrics even correct

Acxa: dOES IT MATTER

Ezor: wait is he actually dead

Acxa: ...

Acxa: uNIMPORTANT

Acxa: no he's just stunned

Ezor: oh

Ezor: dammit

Zethrid: wanna draw mustaches on him

Acxa has left the group chat

YEAH UM TO BE CONTINUED *throws sparkles*

Chapter Text

 Lotor: I'M ALIVE!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAA

Lotor: I FUCKED UP MY SHOULDER BUT I'M ALIVE

Lance: what the fuck

Alurra: PALADINS! WHAT'S...Lotor

Lotor: Princess Allura! How nice it is to finally see you face-to-face after all these years.

Hunk: Um, Allura? What's he talking about?

Pidge: Do you want me to activate Green's scanner? I could probably detect and, like, surprise bombs and all that whatnot

Lotor: Bombs? What kind of savage do you think I am?

Lance: guys it's like we're ready to take on this Prince Loser but are we not going to comment on the fact that hOLY SHIT KEITH IS ALIVE???

Hunk: but keith's not fam anymore :(

Keith: what?

Pidge: i mean,, kind of true,, I mean you are but you're not.. like, voltron

Shiro: Enough! Lotor, explain yourself

Lotor: Oh, I do not wish for any harm! I simply need to make a deal with you......hehehehehe

Allura: What kind of deal? I don't suppose YOU actually think WE will help you after all the messed you've caused us?

Pidge: im just,, going to activate the scanners,, dont mind me

Keith: we shouldn't even be talking! we should be FIGHTING him. HE'S the enemy!

Lotor: Didn't I just save your life, fellow Galra?

Keith: I- How do you...

Lotor: i know things heheeheherer 

Allura: cant yall SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE AND LISTEN

Matt: did she say "y'all"?

Lance: wow someone's really getting into the Keith persona

Keith: just because i'm from Texas doesn't mean I say "y'all"

Shiro: yEAH LISTEN TO HER

Lotor: fiiiiiiiiiiiine i'll tell u waassup

Lotor: basiiiicaallyyyy

Lotor: zarkon the dick ™ kicked me out of the kingdom thing again (because he's a bitch) and also he's after me and my generals even tho they hate me now because i stabbed narti lmaooooooo INHALE soooo i need help hiding. wont you guys do that for poor innocent me?

Matt: someone ain't getting a Father's Day card

Allura: bitch, please! 

Shiro: oh shit

Allura: You can't just,,, you just came here after,, we almost died,,, wHAT

Lotor: Would King Alfor approve of his dear Princess Allura not helping someone in need? I thought you were heroes. You're job is to help people, is that right?

Allura: if you knew ANYTHING about Alfor TRULY...

Lotor: Oh, Allura... You didn't tell your fellow paladins about our relationship? About how I, in fact, knew your father?

Allura: I'm warning you, Lotor....

Lotor: Oh, I get it.

Hunk: ... wtf

Pidge: um???? princess???? what are we??? going to do????

Lotor: You lied to your paladins about me, just as you lied about other space ish!!!

Keith: ALLURA. We need a plan.

Allura: inhale

Allura: Paladins, we need to confide. 

Allura: Lotor. back the fuck off

Lotor: fine, fine, i'll let you guys talk, it's all chill...

Pidge: Okay. Matt and I will set up the private communication lines. 

Matt: gotcha

{ Paladin Disclosure, via Green Lion }

Matt: okay, rant away, our space mom

Lance: yeah what the FUCK was that?

Allura: i'll.... explain everything later. point is... do we help Lotor or not? I mean... what he said about Alfor...

Lance: SIGHS

Lance: Princess, look. We're doing everything we can to help the galaxy. Despite what Lotor may think, you especially have done more than enough to contribute to helping those in need. Don't let him taunt you.

Allura: Lance.... but he's right. We have two choices... Help him and risk getting caught by the Galra Empire? Or abandon him? I feel as if we don't help.. I'll be disappointing Father

Keith: there is another option..

Allura: Keith. No.

Keith: WE HAVE TO FIGHT HIM KLSDJBFBFSJKDBFSEJK 

Shiro: child,, calm down,,

Keith: yOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO, SHIRO!

Allura: you are not fucking fam anymore bro ur not a paladin 

Hunk: ooh see that's why ur the new keith, u sassy gal

Allura: ...

Allura: crawling iiiin my skiiiin

Keith:!?

Keith: we need to take him down!! 

Hunk: may i propose something?

Shiro: YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A CHARACTER ARC

Hunk: i know :(

Lance: well you're a clone bitch

Shiro: what

Lance: what

Lotor: hai keith

Lotor: why are you so obsessed with me? ;)))))

Lance: sjibfsildfbsilTRIGGEREDIKBGJSJKLFBSO

Keith: ...how are you even in this chat

Lotor: oh yeah you forgot to block me from your communications

Keith: you weren't even on our communication list! double check this for me, 'kay Pidge?

Pidge: you're right, Keith

Matt: you're not on the fucking communications you bitch the whole galra empire is blocked don't make a fool of my tech (and anime) skills

Lotor: ...i'm not?

Keith: see! we can't trust him! also i'm NOT obsessed with you!

Lotor: are you sure you don't want this ;))))

Keith: ...bitch you look like an eggplant why would i be obsessed w/ you

Lotor: aw cmon keith we're one in the same!

Keith: how 'bout no you fucking raisin

Lance: SCRRREEEEECHH

Lance: i'm so proud of you samurai

Keith: heh..thanks

Lotor: #triggered

Lance just blocked Lotor

Lance: i will fucking yeet another bitch out of here if i have to

Pidge: what does that even mean

Matt: hell yes! u just got YOTED

Shiro: ...did you just use "yeet" in past tense?

Matt: ...yes

Allura: PALADINS. Help me think of a plan!

Keith: IT DOESN'T MATTER HE'S GOING TO BACK STAB US!

Allura: KEITH.

Keith: PRINCESS.

Allura: KEITH!

Keith: damn i almost died and this is the respect i get

Matt: i'm glad ur alive bro

Keith: b r o rlly?

Matt: yea

Hunk: oKAY bUt wHaT dID pRiNcE loSER mEAn whEn hE sAId hE kNew alFOR oR sOmE sHIT??

Keith: IT DOESNT MATTER LOTOR IS A LIAR AND THAT'S WHY WE SHOULD

Shiro: STOP.

Shiro: everyone just,,,, calm down,,,, before i have a heart attack from all this stress,,,

Keith: fine but allura started it

Allura: real mature, fuckface

Keith: OH HO HO YOU WANNA GO BOO?

Shiro: keith,, i will take away ur hot topic rights,,

Keith: ha im not a paladin anymore suck on that

Hunk: CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE STOP ARGUING SO WE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HECKENS WE'RE GOING TO DO TO KEEP THE GALAXY SAFE AND ACT LIKE A HAPPY FAMILY IN OUR FRACKED UP LIVES. PLEASE. WE HAVE A MISSION SO STOP ACTING SO IMMATURE I AM SO SICK OF SOMETIMES BEING THE ONLY ONE CALMLY MAKING COOKIES IN THE BACKGROUND ACTING LIKE IT'S ALL CHILL WHEN IT'S  N O T SO PLS CALM DOWN SO EVERYTHING CAN BE CHILL BECAUSE WE'RE SO CLOSE TO BEING CAUGHT BY THE GALRA EMPIRE

Lance: ...buddy.... you okay fam?

Hunk: i,,, i'm a little messed up

Shiro: hunk is right

Hunk: wow i am? 0: gasp am i finally getting appreciation??

Shiro: sure

Lance: i appreciate you

Matt: same

Pidge: ditto

Keith: of course

Shiro: Okay, to recap, we either help him and risk him turning on us or the Galra Empire finding us, or we can not help him at all. Allura makes a good point about living up to the message Voltron sends of hope and protection, not to mention he may have useful information... But, again, that is assuming he's not going to turn his back on us.

Keith: pfft, that's a lot of "if'"s and "maybe"s don't you think?

Lance: ditto. i kind of want to punch him now

Allura: Perhaps we can have a compromise...

Lance: I'm listening...

Allura: ...Pidge, Matt, is there a way we can add some technological protection to his ship so it's harder for the Empire to find him? A way in which we could possibly find him?

Pidge: er, yes, but we may have to inspect his ship.. just to see if our tech can reach his easily

Allura: Alright. Pidge, Matt, and Hunk, I want you three to get on with that. Remain online so you can all confide with me and Shiro before you hook anything up. 

Matt: yes ma'am. 

Allura: Okay. The rest of you... If we assume we can grant Lotor at least some protection, where we can still track him... Do you suppose we talk to him about giving up some of his information regarding the Galra?

Keith: ...Allura...

Allura: I know you want to fight, Keith, but think about it: Voltron and Lotor, our whole coalition, fighting against the Galra Empire... I'm not saying it's something I want. I merely point out options. It's hard to tell exactly where Lotor's loyalties stand, but...

Keith: the coalition is strong without Lotor! Even with his information we cannot trust him.

Shiro: I think we should talk to him anyways, at least see if we can find common ground. Perhaps another compromise can be made...We can learn more about the Galra but not risk any more attacks. 

Lance: ...And if he wants to join the coalition, then we consider it. I agree it's too risky for him to be close in our ranks. If something were to happen to us...

Keith: is it even safe to consider it at all? i believe in second chances, and yes, okay, he saved me, but that doesn't pay back for all the lives the Galra Empire have taken, all the planets they've dominated. Lotor doesn't act like his father, but he's already nearly destroyed us once. I wouldn't risk it again. I can't...

Lance: ...Keith?

Keith: ...I can't watch him tear the coalition apart.

Shiro: Okay. So it's settled. Before we grant him minor protection with our own tech, we'll talk to him, see how much he knows, and plan based off what we know and what our priorities are. Sound fair?

Allura: I concur. 

Lance: I second that.

Keith: ...I suppose it'll work.

Shiro: Great. Let's wait for Matt, Pidge and Hunk to reply. Keith...

Keith: ...Yes, Shiro?

Shiro: ...Stay safe fighting with the Blade of Marmora.

Keith: Of course, Shiro.

Coran has joined Paladin Disclosure, via Green Lion

Coran:  ....i am so confused what the hap is fuckening ((did i??? use human slang right???)

Chapter Text

Kolivan: why are you late son

Keith: don't call me son

Keith: i was...confiding with voltron, about the coalition. about lotor.

Kolivan: ah, yes... and why?

Keith: well they ARE on our side

Kolivan: you were talking with lotor, the enemy?

Keith: sighs look we were trying to find out information... He's out of power, he opposes his father... Allura thought maybe he could help us

Kolivan: mmhmm. That's be interesting, of he doesn't double-cross us, which I'm sure he will, the little bitch hffdjhjdskj he looks like a fuckin eggplant

Keith: that's what i said!! i totally agree

Kolivan: on what the first part or lotor being an eggplant?

Keith: both

Kolivan: and..

Kolivan: ..surely his presence could expose voltron to the empire?

Keith: their plan is risky. Allura will stop at nothing...

Kolivan: They can ruin our plans

Keith: they can be quite... Stubborn

Kolivan: yet you keep running back to them?

Keith: kolivan.... I'm loyal to the Blade

Kolivan: I don't think you know where your loyalties stand

Keith: I LEFT Voltron! I'm not a paladin. 

Kolivan: you act like one

Keith: how?

Kolivan: listen shorty u need to keep ur focus on your training. I can't risk you running back to dicktron and stirring up trouble and/or getting distracted. we already lost one member this week, we can't afford to lose another

Keith: ur not my dad

Kolivan: idc u lil bastard

Keith: now u sound like shiro

Kolivan: at least one of us does lol

Keith:

Keith: fuck u 

Kolivan: yeah whatevs mullet now go do some push-ups

Kolivan: teenagers, pfft

Keith: sighs

Lotor opened a new group chat

Lotor: pssstt

Keith: !!!

Keith: Lotor!!??? What are you-

Lotor: sh come join me in this incognito group chat

Keith: I don't trust you dumbass!!!

Lotor: just do it!

Lotor invited Keith to Hi u like jazz

Keith: what's up with the title?

Lotor: I ran out of time ok

Keith: what the hell do u want I've had bout enough of u 

Lotor: was thinking of you 

Keith: ew gross

Keith: pls stop

Lotor: I was just wondering... And I'm thinking aloud here... 

Keith: hmm

Lotor: we could be an item

Keith: this was a mistake. Bye, bitch-

Lotor: no! Let me explain, Kogane

Keith: don't call me that you little fuck 

Lotor: we're one in the same! Alone in the universe, betrayed, galra.... 

Keith: thanks

Lotor: don't sass me, gerald

Keith: for the last time that's not my fucking middle name lance started that shit iT WAS A PHASE

Lotor: ahem

Lotor: imagine: Prince Lotor and Keith Kogane, working together, defeating the empire, doing bro things...

Keith: please rephrase that

Lotor: face it, we're both outcasts. we don't have any real family. we're shunned by the world. we've been betrayed! now it's our turn to show up the world. you're not making much of a different with the Blade, and you obviously don't belong with your other paladins. 

Keith: no... no, i refuse to be part of your ranks. you think we've been treated bad? look at what you've done to the empire!

Lotor: when did you start caring about the empire?

Keith: I don't! I just...

Lotor: See, your heart already knows I'm right. We belong together

Keith: yeah no

Keith: I don't care about the Galra Empire, the empire you tried to support

Lotor: in retrospect, i didn't believe in my father's ways

Keith: but I do care about my family

Lotor: What, Voltron? HA! You really think they're still your family? Keith, in case you haven't noticed, you LEFT them out of the blue for.. for what? THIS?

Keith: unlike some people I still help the galaxy!

Lotor: You solve nothing!! They didn't mean anything to you, and why would you mean anything to them? You said so yourself, you don't belong. You're not close to people. Do you really think they'll forgive you?

Keith: I...

Lotor: So what you have your training? So WHAT you have skills? You. Are. Still. Alone. There's nothing you can do without me, Keith. The Blade's useless, Voltron isn't your real home. I am your only option, unless you seriously think you can make a change all by yourself, against the rest of the galaxy? I can give you supplies, training, a home. We can end this world domination nonsense for once and for all. You just need to make a decision. Besides... I genuinely believe we have an understanding of each other. 

Keith: ...how the fuck are you so disgusting and cruel

Lotor: when i was ten i wanted a ballerina barbie with a pretty pink tutu

Keith:....wait what

Lotor: bUT YOU KNOW WHAT FATHER GOT ME?? MALIBU BARBIE

Keith: the audacity

Lotor: THAT WASN'T WHO I WAS. I WAS GRACEFUL, DELICATE.

Lotor: they had to go

Keith: ookay so you have issues

Lotor: wHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME??? I'LL TAKE YOU TO HOT TOPIC

Keith: BITCH WHERE

Lotor: IM GORGEOUS

Keith: BIIIITCH WHEEEREE???

Lotor: SCREAMS WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME

Keith: get on somewhere before i dropkick yo ass back to your witch mom

Lotor: u wouldn't dare

Keith: try me eggplant

Narti: now for an update from narti!

Keith: wait-

Narti: still dead

Lotor: wait how-

Narti: imma ghost bitches #thuglife i will now haunt you, prince bitch

Lotor: o shit gotta go bro rEMEMBER WHAT WE SHARE

Keith: ???

Keith: wait-

Lotor has closed the Hey u like jazz group chat

Keith:

Chapter Text

Keith invited Allura, Shiro, Lance, Hunk, Matt, Pidge and Coran to the group chat

Keith named the group chat so i'm back (yay?)

Lance: yES KEITH BUDDY WE ALL MISSED YOU I KNEW YOU WEREN'T GOING TO LEAVE US FOREVER HERE YOU CAN HAVE RED BACK

Keith: lance, hon

Lance: yes??

Keith: i meant back from talking with kolivan about lotor. not... returning as a paladin

Lance:

Lance: o

Hunk: why did you break him

Keith: i'm sorry, the old keith can't come to the phone right now

Matt: wHY

Keith: oh

Keith: because he's dead

Shiro: matt why are you like this

Pidge: sighs first he says yoted and now we're back in this mess

Allura: Is this an emergency, Keith?

Lance: YOU KNOW WHAT? NO. HOLD UP.

Lance renamed the group chat what the actual fUCK

Pidge: at least he's over his "quiznack" phase

Coran: children! watch ur language!

Lance:

Lance renamed the titled QUIZNACK SDJKBOSEJFSL

Allura: that's not Altean ;-;

Matt: @ pidge, who's making the mess now?

Pidge: shit

Lance: ABOUT NEARLY DYING

Keith: oh no

Lance: KEITH WENT ALL KATNISS EVERDEEN ON US AND BASICALLY TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF

Keith: it was for the team

Lance: bITCH I KNOW WHAT I SAID

Lance: YOU FUCKING LEAVE US AND THEN VOLUNTEER AS OUR TRIBUTE??? WHAT THE HELL, DUDE?? DO YOU THINK I CAN TAKE ANOTHER HEARTBREAK

Pidge: lance

Lance: I MEAN WE. DO YOU THINK WE CAN TAKE ANOTHER HEARTBREAK????

Lance: AND I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT HOW WHEN YOU WERE GONE AND I WAS THE RED PALADIN I NEARLY BECAME A STRIPPER WHILE WORKING WITH THE COALITION

Keith: what???

Lance: oN RED

Shiro: good heavens this is a mess

Matt: somebody come get hiiiim, he's dancing like a striipperr

Shiro: stop

Hunk: and my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard

Matt: damn right

Lance: bruh same here ask Kaltenecker!!

Keith: okay seriously what the FUCK happened when i was gone????

Lance: MMMM WHATCHA SAAYY

Lance: cATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB

Pidge: a lot of shit we regret, keith.

Coran: i took drugs

Matt: we became voltron!on ice

Pidge: ...and then Matt talked about the anime for legit hours

Shiro: i forgot how much of a fucking nerd you were

Matt: DONT FUCK WITH ME

Matt: I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE

Hunk: Lance spent an hour in his room crying muttering "i'm just a  little boy from Cuba let me have peace"

Shiro: @ lance

Shiro: can i join you fam? i need to cry

Lance: oh stfu you're a clone

Shiro: wot

Matt: wot

Keith: ???

Lance: oops i mean yes of course the club is open for all 

Lance: speaking of which where is my bisexual arc

Hunk: where's my everything arc???

Lance: well i have the authority to say so because black paladin bitches

Allura: can we PLEASE get back on topic

Lance: gladly

Lance: kEITH WHAT THE FUCK

Keith: LOOK I'M HERE SO WE CAN DISCUSS LOTOR

Lance: WHY WOULD WE DISCUSS HIM WHEN YOU NEARLY DIED?? ARE YOU SEEING OTHER PEOPLE??

Matt: o shit

Allura: facepalms

Keith: OMFG NO

Keith: can y'all pls just tell me what you decided on 

Keith: before i try to kill myself again

Lance: NO

Keith: guess i'll die

Matt: keith, a summary, season three

Lance: i mEAN NO DON'T DIE

Keith: oh

Lance: I VOLUNTEER!!! I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!!

Matt: oh look another keith season three summary

Keith: shut up matt

Shiro: why does he support the fandom 

Allura: ahem

Allura: our pLAN

Shiro: well, an update, anyways

Allura: -is that since we've already concluded that he has given us a fair amount of information and have therefore helped him, we're going to try our best to follow through with that information. 

Allura: Lotor says he has talked to Kolivan, yes?

Keith: pfft. only me.

Lance: omfg what did he say to you cuz we can go right now-

Keith: he.. just wanted to know if since Voltron was helping him too if the Blade would also be part of the alliance

Shiro: Yes...?

Keith: We're still considering.

Allura: And where is Lotor now?

Keith: I actually have no idea.

Shiro: Keith-

Keith: I know, I know. But he did reveal a few things.

Matt: ooh, now i'm interested

Keith: There might still be a connection between him and his generals

Allura: facepalm I knew I was forgetting something! Lotor's generals... That's not safe. I mean, they're also running from the Galra Empire, yet they are no longer a team...

Pidge: Keith, what did you find out? Are they still loose?

Keith: The dead one, Narti... she appeared

Hunk: wait, the one with the creepyass cat? She died...

Keith: I don't know dude she appeared after Lotor started talking abot his traumatizing childhood

Pidge: lmao what

Keith: something about a barbie doll

Hunk: what-

Allura: No time. And Lotor just disappeared after this?

Keith: Yes.

Matt: he's not even on our communication lines, since he's left

Pidge: Plus his generals haven't made an appearance. Who wants to be it was all planned?

Allura: I hope not, we gave him our protection... Coran and I have already planned accordingly with the coalition

Matt: Don't worry princess, we can take the protection systems down, I'm sure

Lance: Even so it may be hard to track him... Okay, that's it. We need the Blade.

Allura: Yes. We must give Kolivan our findings.

Keith: I'll deliver the message.

Lance: No, too risky

Pidge: Lance's right. We need to come with you.. We told Lotor we'd remain put. He couldn't expect us, right? It works out both ways.

Matt: Katie.. we also said we'd contact Kolivan for additional information.

Hunk: And the generals are still out there...

Pidge: We didn't give him a precise time though... So it's not a risk.

Matt: Okay, okay.... tactically wise, what would work better?

Lance: I could come with him.

Keith: Lance?

Lance: Two heads are better than one, right?

Allura: Did you forget you're second in command? We need you here.

Shiro: Guys. It's true Kolivan needs to be warned. And it might be risky to contact him through our systems...

Pidge: HOW THE HELL DID WE FORGET WE COULD DO THAT

Hunk: sighs it's been a long day

Lance: ..you mean my heroic words were in vain

Matt: yea so were mine dude

Hunk: ..you've been singing the big time rush theme for the past hour

Matt: Exactly

Shiro: Incognito tab?

Pidge: ..Maybe. Keith, can it reach Kolivan? I know he tries to limit his tech because it's "risky"

Pidge: Dorks.

Kieth: I.. well, I can use the emergency procedure.

Lance: and let me guess you forgot about it

Keith: we're not really supposed to use it unless we're nearly dying and plus you guys were arguing so

Allura: Fine. Use it. Then we'll update Kolivan and find out what Lotor's planning.

Pidge: gasp with my scans!?

Allura: yes

Pidge: hell yeah motherfuckers

Hunk: all this battle stragedy is getting me a headache

Hunk: and im hungry 

Lance: same bro

Keith: dammit i think i clicked the wrong button

Matt: welp now we'll all die

Keith: i don't know what i'm doing la da dee la da doo

Shiro: sweet jesus

Keith: ok nvm i got it

Hunk: oh thank god *panic attack decreases*

Lance: OH OH OHHH OHHH

Keith: ..and now he's going to sing btr

Matt: my shit bro

Lance: MAKE IT COUNT, PLAY IT  STRAIGHT (lol nope bi arc here we come)

Lance: DON'T LOOK BACK, DON'T HESITATE

Lance: WHEN YOU GO BIG TIME

Hunk: DUNDUNDUNDUN

Lance: WHATCHA WANT, WHATCHA FEEL

Lance: NEVER QUITE AND MAKE IT REAL

Lance: WHEN YOU ROLL BIG TIME

Hunk: WOOOOOOOOOOO

Pidge: i hate you all

Matt: you must admit it's amusing

Pidge: yes but i still hate you all

Lance: wHEN YOU ROLL

Pidge: will you plEASE SHUT UP FAM

Lance: fine

Keith: okay kolivan is coming.

Pidge: ...one last mothman ritual?

Keith: take me

Matt: ..Ok

Hunk: are we the only sane ones?

Matt: yes. let's go get pizza and play pokemon go

Lance: i'm coming with before i start crying lmao

Shiro: big time rush???

Shiro: that's my shit

Matt: YES

Lance: WOOO

Allura: this is why we're all going to die

Chapter Text

{Shiro invited Allura to Life is hell isn't it group chat}

Allura: Shiro, do lighten up

Shiro: What? This is truly a bad idea

Allura: well yanno Kolivan's doing his own thing so we have no choice. 

Shiro: well i also have standards

Allura: We already agreed that Lotor has valuable information. Besides, he's been cooperative thus far.

Shiro: That's what's scaring me now.

Allura: We must follow through.

Shiro: this bitch empty

Allura: For Oriande's sake Shiro can you please let me revisit my "not all Galras are bad" arc so i can trust Lotor

Shiro: he's altean too

Allura: Exactly.

Shiro: is that the only reason you trust him now

Allura:

Allura: Shut up Shiro

Allura: I wish to trust him because he seems to understand exactly what my goal is-and what Voltron's goal is

Allura: Peace.

Shiro: say that when we all die lol oKAY let's get this over with

{Lotor has been invited to the Life is hell isn't it group chat}

Shiro: We've come.

Lotor: oh hi. see you've finally come to join me after locking me up... or whatever

Shiro: why are you taking this surprisingly well

Lotor: well.... i'm not nearly dying, if that's what you mean

Shiro: Mood.

Allura: Ok so about the Galra

Lotor: Yes, princess?

Allura: We kind of need secrets and shit so we can you know win this war soooo what do ya say..pal

Shiro: Kudos to your diplomacy

Allura: Was that sarcasm

Shiro: yes

Allura: well i'm keith now anyways so

Lotor: Are you guys torturing me with your arguing?

Shiro: That was my plan 

Lotor: why u treat me like this

Allura: because you tried to kill us

Shiro: -and you're like the villain

Lotor: i just want peace and a safe place to stay wtf :(

Shiro: i mean you killed narti one of your loyal generals

Lotor: i did what i must in order to survive... i admit it was a careless act and... i'm still trying to find the method behind my madness. or something like that idk how feelings work exactly

Lotor: I do not want to be judged by your suspicions, nor by race, but by my actions. Yes, I have done something so fucked up-

Shiro: See?

Lotor: -but I truly do want to redeem myself. And work by Voltron's side.

Allura: ...I do believe in second chances.

Lotor: also did i mention that i saved keith?

Shiro:

Shiro: yeah ok

Lotor: So... What are you saying?

Allura: You're staying. Until proven otherwise.

Lotor: Thank you, princess.

Shiro: blah blah blah okay now can we go and discuss important matters

Allura: Of course. Let's-

{Pidge has entered the Life is hell isn't it group chat}

Lotor: omg is that a fucking gremlin

Pidge: SHHHIIIIIIIIRRRROOOOOOOOO!!!!!1!!1!!!!11!!!!

Shiro: How many times have I told you to stay out of grown up conversations

Pidge: idgas tbh

Allura: Pidge, is something wrong?

Shiro: Did Matt blow up the kitchen again????

Pidge: no sadly

Pidge: ZARKON HAS SAM HOLT!!! ZARKON HAS MY FATHER.

Allura: What!? No! How..?

Pidge: Who cares??? I'm getting my father back!!! Matt looked with the other rebels at that Galra prisoner base and couldn't find him- we thought he was gone- but he's here! He's alive. I'm getting my family back. We have to save him!

Lotor: ...And Zarkon wants me in return

Pidge: lol rip staying here am i right

Lotor:

Shiro: ...Pidge...

Shiro: It's too dangerous

Pidge: wHAT?

Pidge: We have VOLTRON. Literally the most powerful weapon in the GALAXY. 

Shiro: Zarkon's going to double cross us

Lotor: That may be true

Shiro: Like this bitch

Lotor: wait what

Pidge: bRUH MY FAMILY

Shiro: no pidge

Pidge: ..but mY FAMILY

Shiro: I SAID NO PIDGE

Pidge: DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Shiro: CALM DOWN

Pidge: YOU SHALL FEEL MY RHAPSODY OF RAGE

Shiro: LISTEN TO ME I AM SPACE DAD

Pidge: #notmyshiro

{Lance has entered the Life is hell isn't it group chat}

Lance: yes. #calledit 

Allura: how'd you get here???

Lance: I have talents.

Lance: ..and Matt

Lance: who's still crying

Shiro: shut up lance no one was talking to you

Lance: :(

Lotor: f u c k y o u cOUGH i mean yeah sure I'll go for Pidge

Pidge: g a s p

Pidge: you'd return to your father to save mine?????

Lotor: Yes, small child.

Pidge: welp you've earned my respect

Lotor: :)

Lance: You're still an eggplant with hair full of secrets

Pidge: yeah true

Lotor: :( 

Allura: facepalms

Allura: ok fine lez go

{Matt made the Hello darkness my old friend group chat}

Matt: why does life do this to me

{Pidge entered the Hello darkness my old friend group chat}

Pidge: BRO

Matt: FUCKING HELL KATIE

Matt: DON'T

Pidge: are you ok

Matt: no

Matt: why do you think im fucking crying

Pidge: JHBFSDJHSDBDK I HAVE GREAT NEWS

Matt: Not now im in pain

Pidge: DAD'S HERE!!! WE'RE GOING TO GET DAD BACK

Matt: WHAT???

Matt: W H A T

Pidge: CMON LET'S GO!!!!!

Matt: wipes tears hELL YES THE HOLTS ARE BACK BITCHES dabs

Pidge: hugs

Pidge: i love you :) and it's ok to cry

Matt: akwdbjajsbadjvhasjkdhsva, 

{Zarkon invited Shiro, Allura, Lotor, Lance, Pidge, Matt, Hunk and Coran to the WASSUP DICKTRON group chat}

Lotor: "Dicktron"!? YOU STOLE MY LINE. HOW?

Zarkon: I read your diary

Lotor: hOW-

Zarkon: Ezor.

Lotor: gasp. im so proud. and disgusted

Lance: And Allura thanks we should trust him =.=

Hunk: dude you said that out loud

Lance: good 

Pidge: GIVE ME MY DAD OR I'M GOING TO SUMMON MOTHMAN AND WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR UNWORTHY, WEAK SOUL

Shiro: Katie,,

Pidge: i wont hesitate

Lance: cries mothman reminds me of keith

Zarkon: ANYWAYYYYS

Zarkon: Give me Lotor and I'll give you your space dad back

Matt: um space dad's already here

Zarkon: oops i was reading season six's lines hhahaha ignore that

Allura:

Shiro:

Matt:

Hunk:

Pidge: How about you give us Sam first?

Zarkon: Why would I do that??

Pidge: um??? because we don't trust you??? 

Zarkon: For a moment i thought you wanted Lotor and Sam

Pidge: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAAAA

Allura: That's kind of harsh

Lotor: don't worry im used to it lmao

Zarkon: Fine. On three, together?

Matt:... Fine.

Pidge: Alright

Hunk: heart race increases

Lance: a huge dose of trust has vanished from my heart today

Lotor: welp bye i guess

Lance: i wont miss you

Lotor: i?? wasnt expecting you to??

Zarkon: eheheheheehhe

Sam: Hi Katie!

Pidge: DAD

Matt: DAD?

Sam: MATTHEW!

Matt: DAD

Pidge: IKNEWWEDFINDYOUINEVERWASGOINGTOSTOPANDNOWYOUREREALLYHEREAND-

Pidge: what?

Zarkon: OOOOH SNAP. ZARKON AT HIS TRICKS AGAIN. LMAO THATS NOT UR DAD THAT'S A HOLOGRAM. Lmao "father" is such a weird concept

Lotor: dont i know it

Lotor: YOU LYING SON OF A BUTTERNUTSQUASH

Allura:

Allura: what kinda altean are u even-

Pidge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hunk: SCREECH OF RAGE

Shiro: Oh, wait for it

Matt: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shiro: that's more like it

Pidge: #TRIGGERED

Zarkon: if Lotor cant have a good dad you cant either lmao

Lance: THAT'S IT. 

Lance: NO ONE MESSES WITH MY FAMILY

Coran: Umm we have to be careful youngster, we dont want to-

Lance: LET ME AT HIM

Allura: lance stepping up????

Allura: BLACK PALADIN SHIRO WHO

Hunk: Red paladin Keith who

Allura: YOU'RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

Lotor: nah hold on i'll take care of this

{Lotor invited to Zarkon to the Worst Dad In The Galaxy Gets Wrecked By Beautiful Son group chat}

 Zarkon: Really?

Lotor: You're right, the title needs to be longer

{Lotor renamed the chat to Worst Dad Ever To Exist In The Galaxy Gets So Embarrassingly Wrecked By The Talented, Beautifully Purple Half-Altean Son w/ the Most Prettiest Hair group chat}

Zarkon: this is why you got exiled

Lotor: no it's because yOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME MY FRICKIN BALLERINA BABRIE YOU DOPE

Zarkon: ha

Lotor: I hate you

Zarkon: same

Lotor: UGH

Zarkon: why are we even here

Lotor: because fUCK YOU THAT'S WHY

Zarkon: FIGHT ME

Lotor: GLADLY. 

Zarkon: REMEMBER OUR DEAL THOUGH

Lotor: omg it's so fucking stupid

Zarkon: REPEAT IT!

Lotor: sighs

Lotor: I, Prince Lotor, will promise to sing "Whatcha Say" whenever you die no matter what the costs are

Zarkon: thank you. at least i can rest in peace

Hunk: i'm so confused whats going on

Lance: We're fighting people

Hunk: ik but sjkdbsdkjnasjk oh shit wATCH OUT LANCE

Lance: WHAT EVEN WAS THAT

Ezor: HI

Lance: AHHHHHHH

Ezor: THOUGHT YOU SAW THE LAST OF ME

Ezor: GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN

Acxa: Ezor, stop being a meme and help me fight this gremlin

Ezor: sighs fine

Ezor: GET OFF MY GIRLFRIEND YOU LITTLE RODENT

Pidge: MAKE ME YOU PLAYDOUGH CREATION GONE WRONG

Ezor: gasp YOU DID NOT

Pidge: OH I JUST DID SISTER

Lance: lmao this is great

Hunk: ON YOUR RIGHT

Coran: NO YOU'RE OTHER RIGHT

Lance: CRAP

Sam: what the actual fuck

Matt: DONT WORRY DAD WE GOTCHU FAM

Sam: oh no i dont trust this. haven't you died so many times playing grand theft auto???

Matt: YOU ALSO SAID LIFE ISN'T A VIDEO GAME DAD SO TRUST ME

Matt: KATIE, STAY PUT

Pidge: kind of busy anyways Matt

Ezor: you two are so adorable!

Pidge: thanks!

Ezor: OUCH

Acxa: JHDBSDJKHDBSJK EZOR STOP TALKING AND FIGHT

Ezor: IM TRYING

Ezor: geez girlfriends am i right. so fiesty, no fun

Lance: preach it 

Lotor: This is the end, Father. Face it, you're through. You're weak and desperate. My time as ruler has come.

Zarkon: gosh you're just like your mom. such a bitch

Lotor: well im here with a nice sunset montage so who's the real winner

Lotor: *stabs*

Zarkon: NO WAIT THERE'S SO MANY THINGS I WANTED TO DO IN LIFE, LIKE MAKE PUPPETS OF THE PALADINS AND PRETEND TO HAVE FRIENDS-

Lotor: that's... disturbing

Zarkon: aVENGE ME

{Zarkon went idle}

Lotor: MMMMMMMMMMM WHATCHA SAAAAAAAY

Lotor: lmao i love my life

Chapter Text

{VOLTRON DISCLOSURE, FT. SAM HOLT group chat} 

Sam: KIDS

Sam: THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS???

Matt: WHAT

Pidge: WHAT

Sam: just kidding i have no idea how long it's been lmao

Sam: so what's poppin

Matt: imma rebel

Pidge: imma hero, i guess

Matt: we all have crippling depression

Sam: hmm so nothing's really changed

Sam: SHIRO

Shiro: Hi Mr. Holt

Sam: HOW'S IT BEEN MY DUDE

Shiro: depressing :^)

Sam: ha yeahhh

Pidge: DAD WE NEED TO PLAY POKEMON GO

Matt: AND GRAND THEFT AUTO

Pidge: AND SONIC

Sam: hell yes let's go

Lance: nerds

Matt: SHIRO COME WITH US

Shiro: ok

Pidge: nO YOU TWO ALWAYS RUIN IT

Sam: tears up i love you fucking nerds

Matt: tears up MIRO'S AT IT AGAIN

Pidge: the original broganes

Sam: the band's back together again

Hunk: o hell

Allura: Before you all leave, I want us all to welcome Prince Lotor!

Lance: go to hell

Lotor: fuck you too

Hunk:

Pidge:

Shiro:

Allura:

Matt:

Lotor: sorry reflex lmao

Allura: ..He's still working on his people skills

Matt: oh

Lotor: heh yeah it's true all i know is violence

Lance: depressing

Pidge: welp welcome i guess

Hunk: GASP I'LL MAKE THE WELCOMING CAKE

Allura: Thank you, Hunk! Diplomatic as always!

Matt: bye bro stay safe

Lotor: thanks? bro?

Shiro: dont give anyone else any robotic arms!

Shiro: that... was supposed to be a joke.

Shiro:.. well bye

{Shiro, Matt, Sam and Pidge have left the VOLTRON DISCLOSURE FT. SAM HOLT group chat}

 Lance: i should go to and play dream daddy in the basement and cry 

Lance: dont touch allura or you're dead bitch

{Lance left the VOLTRON DISCLOSURE FT. SAM HOLT group chat}

Lotor: im assuming that was directed at me

Allura: ....Yeah

Coran: so.... Lotor.... how's it been... and stuff

Allura: Eloquent

Coran: was that sarcasm??

Allura: /no/

Lotor: I've been fine, now that Princess Allura's welcomed me to the team.

Allura: >:D

Coran: mmhm... Indeed. What are you planning?

Lotor: Well, first, I'mma get a snack b/c i'm hungry

Hunk: DID SOMEONE SAY SNACK

Lotor: oh hi

Hunk: The cake's almost ready and omg have you tried space goo

Lotor: What is this...space goo?

Hunk: gasp

Hunk: come with me

{Hunk has left the VOLTRON DISCLOSURE FT. SAM HOLT group chat}

{Hunk invited Lotor to the FOOD WITH SPACE GORDON RAMSAY AND PRINCE L'OREAL group chat}

Lotor: cries what is this beauty i see

Hunk: t h e m e a n i n g o f l i f e

{VOLTRON DISCLOSURE FT. SAM HOLT}

Coran: i still dont trust him

Allura: he's been here for like two days calm down

Coran: first our cover is blown by Zarkon and his loyal soldiers and now his son is here... it's just weird

Allura: he also defeated Zarkon. The very person who destroyed Altea.

Coran: what's next??? he's gonna want to be emperor??

{So we have news lol group chat}

 Lotor: yo i should be emperor 

Lance: ...yeah no

Coran: is it too late to say "i told you so"

Allura: shush Coran ily but now is not the time

Allura: What exactly do you mean, Lotor?

Lotor: Right now, since Zarkon has been defeated, everyone will be wanting to be next in line for the throne. But that power in the wrong person's hands and your coalition could be hecka screwed. I am on your side and I desire what you desire. It's an easy compromise for us all- Voltron will be an ally rather than a foe, and I can carry out what I've always wanted: peace, acceptance. We can't throw away this shot.

Pidge: /refrains from making a Hamilton reference/

Allura: I agree.

Lance: Sounds a tad power-hungry... But I admit it's all around better to have Lotor in power. At least we... know him... more

Lotor: Thanks, Lance

Lance: i still hate you

Lotor: noted

Coran: i suppose.... i agree too

Allura: But we are forgetting something.

Shiro: Right, the lions. We can't be exposed.

Allura: The Galra still want Voltron, and if we help you, Lotor, we'll be walking into a trap. 

Shiro: And there's no guarantee you'll even become emperor. We could be risking it all for nothing.... 

Lotor: It's risky, but so are our very lives, Princess.

Shiro: Actually, I think I have an idea

{Galra Ish Happenin you guys group chat}

Morvok: yo bitches imma be emperor yeet

Prorok: stfu

Brank: i'm going to be emperor, step aside peasants

Beta: um??? what about me??? i have the badass pet??

Throk: i'd fight you all if i had to

Raht: yeah and get defeated by lotor again lmAO

Ladnok: ur all stupid

Trugg: I WILL KILL YOU ALL

{Haggar entered the Galra Ish Happenin you guys group chat}

{Haggar invited Acxa, Ezor and Zethrid to the Galra Ish Happenin you guys group chat}

Ezor: we back bitches

Haggar: hi stupids

Haggar: i have a surprise too

{Harggar invited Sendak to the Galra Ish Happenin you guys group chat}

Sendak: GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN!!!!

Gnov: NO

Janka: bruh calm down u see we can easily take down the witch if we work together

Gnov: you weak bro

Morvok: OHHHHHHH

Janka: STFU NO ONE ASKED YOU

Sendak: *yeets Janka off a cliff* :)))

{Janka went idle}

Ezor: who needs reality TV

{Lotor has entered the Galra Ish Happenin you guys group chat}

Haggar: WHAT THE-

Lotor: THOUGHT YOU'VE SEEN THE LAST OF ME??????

Lotor: THANK YOU BLACK!!!!!

Haggar: The Black Lion???

Raht: not you again ughh someone kill him

Lotor: Raht? More like RAT HAHAHA *sassy hair flip*

Throk: i hate him too

Lotor: THOT

Raht: ...for real someone kill him

Sendak: GLADLY

Lotor: pls i killed zarkon come at me bro

Sendak: VICTORY OR DEATHHHH

Lotor: dabs FIGHT ME

Sendak: wait what the fuck was that

Lotor: what, this? dabs

Sendak: YES WHAT IS THAT WITCH MAGIC LIKE UR MOM

Haggar: ew

Lotor: SHESNOTMYMOM

Lotor: attacks

Sendak: attacks

{Keith went incognito}

Keith: huh well that aint good i guess. i should probably help him, huh

{Keith entered the Get Rekt, Sendak group chat}

Keith: HEY

Keith: I KNOW WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT ALREADY TOGETHER

Keith: BUT I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID

Keith: AND UH

Keith: SORRY

Keith: *saves ur ass*

{Lance entered the Get Rekt, Sendak group chat}

Lance: KEITH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???

{Hunk entered the Get Rekt, Sendak group chat}

Hunk: Oh hai Keith!

Hunk:

Hunk: KEITH WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

Hunk: WE NEED TO GET ALLURA

Lotor: OMFG IM EMPEROR NOW ????

Lance: HE'S EMPEROR NOW???? ALUURRA!!!!

Ezor: lmao he's emperor now we should run or something

{Haggar went idle}

{Acxa went idle}

{Ezor went idle}

Zethrid: aw

{Zethrid went idle}

 Lotor: This is all i've ever wanted!!!

Keith: *hands you a ballerina barbie*

Lotor: *tears up* bro

Keith: ......i actually dont hate you

Lotor: let's burn my malibu barbie

Keith: first i need to take care of something

{Allura has entered the Get Rekt, Sendak group chat}

Allura: Keith? What's going on?

{Shiro has entered the Get Rekt, Sendak group chat}

Shiro: Princess?

Allura: Hold on, I'm getting Pidge, Coran and Matt connected too

{Krolia has entered the Get Rekt, Sendak group chat}

Krolia: I didn't expect such a memesy title from an ex-prince. You have taste, Lotor

Allura: Keith... who is this?

Keith: welll.....

Krolia: Princess Allura, at your service. I am Krolia, agent of the Blade of Momora.

Keith: ...My mother.

 {Voltron Disclosure}

Lance: wHAT KEITH HAS A MOM NOW????

Keith: that was my reaction

Pidge: so you didn't know?? HAHAHAHA

Keith: ..what's so funny

Matt: UM ISNT IT OBVIOUS?? DUDE SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU

 Keith: i dont see it

Matt: no? the mullet?

Lance: bruh even i recognized that. plus?? "shut up and trust me"?? bruh u dumb lol but ily

Allura: this

Allura: is fucked up

Shiro: very scary omfg it's his irl parent

Shiro: I've been replaced

Shiro: sobs

Keith: pat pat

Lance: damn she hot

Krolia:

Keith:

Everyone:

Keith: that's my mom

Lance: now ik where you get it from

Krolia: ANYWAYS

Matt: can i say it???

Pidge: Matthew fucking Holt don't you dare

Matt: KROLIA? MORE LIKE CRAYOLA, AMIRITE

Krolia: 

To be continued...

Meanwhile...

Lotor: Yo Princess wanna explore some fantasy Altean world and find your dead dad so we can learn the secrets of your powers you never thought you had because DreamWorks never elaborated until now????

Allura: gasp

Allura: let's do it fam

Chapter Text

Not even a week later, at the Galra Empire (because plot reasons)

(insert group chat name here)

allura: hey bitches lotor and i are gonna do some altran shit together soo um have fun with the galra toodles

allura has left the group chat

lance: WHAT

lance: YOU'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE US HERE WITH LOTOR'S NANNY??

lotor: she's not my nanny peasant

lance: bitch stg don't @ me like that or im going to

thenanny: SMACK

lance: ?? tf??

lotor: wHY IS YOUR USERNAME "THENANNY" THAT MAKES ME LOOK BAD!

thenanny: shut up and go to your room

lance: lmao

lotor: i fucking hate this family

lance:  i knew it11!!!! you're exposed

lotor: oh pls we already went through this blue boy

lance: do NOT call me blue boy u purple snake

allura has come back

allura: lance stop distracting lotor!! we have business to attend to

lotor: indeed. coming, princess

lance: wait!!! allura!!!

allura: yes lance?

lance: um

lance:

lance: can i come

lotor: NO

allura:

lotor:

lotor: i mean cough no sorry altean stuff. you wouldn't understand

allura: i'm sorry lance but lotor is right. see you soon though :)) it won't take too long

lance: are you sure you don't need a third wheel??? or smth?

allura: i'm sorry, lance

allura has left the group chat

lotor: peace dicktron

lotor has left the group chat

lance:

hunk: that's harsh

pidge: yeah especially sense they probably love each other now

lance: NO THEY DON'T PIDGE AND YOU'RE GOING TO EAT YOUR FUCKIN WORDS

lance has left the group chat

pidge:

pidge: was it something i said?

hunk: eh

hunk: idc cuz i finally get some sort of arc. #yolo

hunk: HEY LOTOR'S NANNY

thenanny: what do you want, yellow paladin?

hunk: i want to learn the galra way :))

thenanny: why??? you here to corrupt us???? i have the power of whip *pulls out the stick of death* and naenae on my side so don't fuck with me

hunk: oh no you have it all wrong!!! i just think that sense we're allies now (i guess?) we should learn your ways because.. that's just... for understanding, yanno?

thenanny: hmm

thenanny: ok fine

hunk: yay :)

thenanny: ready to suffer

hunk:

pidge:

hunk: wait what

thenanny: closing the offer would mean you insult me, resulting in a challenge to the death

hunk: wow galra culture is freaky

pidge: lol there's no getting out of this one

hunk: i... accept?

thenanny: excellent

thenanny blocked pidge from the group chat

pidge: wait wat??

pidge: ugh fine

pidge: i'll just... program some shit 

lotor: great job today princess! w/ u by my side we can accomplish lots of great things :))

allura: :))

lotor: ok but i have to go now so peace

lotor opened a new group chat

lotor: yo guards i need to make this message to prevent a civil war

guard1: um sorry prince- I MEAN EMPEROR cough- but sendak is kind of being a bitch and blocking our communication lines blah blah blah

lotor: what

sendak entered the group chat

sendak: thought you seen the last of me??

lotor: oh pls stop stealing my dramatic flare and explain your bitchy self before i blow you up and ruin you like last time

sendak: MARK MY WORDS, LOTOR, YOU WILL PERISH IF IT'S THE LAST THING THAT I DO

lotor: i cant find it

sendak: what?

lotor: when i asked yOUR GODDAMN OPINION

lotor blocked sendak

lotor: it takes two to tango. call the nanny

guard1:

guard1: um ok

thenanny: feel the pain

lance: oh trust me i always do >:(

hunk: wait when did u get here

lance: i've been here

hunk: how???

thenanny: smack

hunk: OW

lance: idk. i remembered how pidge showed me how to hack shit. so here i am. 

hunk: but why.,,,

lance: because im suffering jesus do i need another excuse

hunk: it's ok im here from you OW

thenanny: ... i didnt even do anything

hunk: i know,,,

lance:

lance: why does she have to slap you with that

hunk: ew context pls

thenanny: to teach the galra way

lance: jesus christ i do not want to get in a fight with keith

lance: but why

guard1: YO DAYAK OR whatever your name is cough WE NEED HELP

thenanny: dont you see im busy hurting people???

guard1: lotor requested you because his message won't send because sendak is being a little bitch

shiro has entered the group chat

shiro: sendak is attacking a nearby planet!!!! let's form voltron

hunk: oh thank god YEET BYE NANNY

hunk has left

lance has left

thenanny:

shiro: holy fuuufucucuuufcukcufuc

pidge: ummm shiro are you ok?

shiro: yeah im totally sjhbfsjkl fine uosdnola

pidge:

pidge: ..ok

shiro: hunk, you're the jasdbja mechanic here uosabdnsjka tell us what tiognsd to asidna do

hunk: geez do u need your stress medicine

shiro: im fine just get on with it

hunk: ok

hunk: finally the respect i deserve!

hunk: ok, here's the plan: Pidge, with Shiro get the power thingy ready. Lance, Allura: get the plates arranged. I'll take care of them Galra bois

pidge: copy

allura: on it!

hunk has entered the galras group chat

guard2: I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF LOTOR IS THE RULER HE'S FUCKIN TRASH AND HE NEEDS TO YIELD

guard3: gasp i WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS BEHAVIOR FROM A LOW LIFE LIKE YOU

guard2: HOW DARE!!! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW YOU'RE TALKING TO A FUTURE PRESIDENT

guard3: FUCK U AND UR CHICKEN STRIPS

hunk: um

guard2: MOVE PEASANT I AM TRYING TO SPILL LIPSTICK IN HIS VALENTINO BAG

guard3: NOT THE VALENTINO WHITE BAG, GERALD

guard2: WATCH ME

hunk: YOOOOOOOO

hunk: y'all need to chill. you're disrespecting yo ancestors with this nasty talk. just do your damn job wth

guard3: woah he cussed

hunk: because im sick of the lack of appreciation nOW YOU GET YOUR GALRA HIDES READY TO DO UR VICTORY OR DEATH SHIZAH AND MAKE THE EMPIRE PROUD! VERPIT SA BITCHES

guard2: *wipes away tear* verpit sa bitches

guard3: agreed

hunk: now fight!!!!!!!!!!

guard2: YES SIR

guard3: AYE

hunk: woah. is this?? respect???

pidge: shiro are you sure you're ok

shiro: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

pidge:

shiro:

shiro: im a little messed up

pidge: ok just keep your palm on that generator and we should be outta here

shiro: ok yeah

haggar went to shiro's DM

haggar: boo motherfucker

shiro: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

pidge: SHIRO NO, YOU'RE GOING TO MESS IT U-

pidge: welp we're fucked

lance has joined the group chat

lance: i'm sorry but what the FUCK was that???

pidge: sorry!! we're on it!!! just keep going!!!

lance: sighs

lance: allura, how's it looking?

allura: i'm not so sure about this, lance...

lance: lmao it's ok if any of us are gonna die it's me so no worries

lance: dies

allura: lance??? LANCE!!! WHY'D YOU TAKE THAT SHOT FOR ME?? AHHH COME BACK TO ME, LANCE!!! *healing powers*

lance: woah what the fuck happened? mothertrucker dude that hurt like a butt cheek on a stick

hunk: yep he's good if he's quoting vines

allura: lANCE1!!!! THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE OKAY WHAT COULD I EVER DO WITHOUT YOU

lance: :"))

allura: :"))

lance: i'm going to go cry now

pidge: but we won11!!!

lance: i know and i'm happy because of that but i'm going through personal turmoil and i need a frickin nap

shiro: mood

Yorak and Crayola's Mother-Son Bonding group chat

keith: what's with all the glowly planets and shit

krolia: welll they kind of have the properties of time so if you see glimpses of the past/future don't freak out

keith: oh shit one's about to blow

krolia: I'LL PROTECT YOU CHILD *shields*

yeehawgane: yo wassup

krolia: AHH

keith: AHH

keith: is that???

krolia: your father?

krolia: yes....

yeehawgane: oh thank god the boy's username isn't yorak or else i was going to vomit

keith: ... yorak??? dAD?? MOM?? okay i'm officially freaked out

yeehawgane: my sweetheart, my peach muffin, the love of my life and the yee to my haw, krolia, was going to fucking name you yorak, son

keith:

krolia: what??? it's a gallant galran name!!!

keith: dad is it really you??

yeehawgane: yes and no. technically this isn't real and i'm just a fragment of the past soo

keith: 

keith: at this point idk how emotionall scarred i'm going to continue to be

krolia: keith, the past is being shown. now you get to see my mission, why i left, how much i truly loved you.

keith: m-mom.... i... i don't know what to say. thank you... i should've known.

krolia: no- don't give me that "if" talk. we have each other now. that's all that matters.

keith: thanks, mom

yeehawgane: cries i might be fake but fUCK that was beautiful fdsisadjnakj brings tears to my eyes like an old fashioned country chicken

keith: god what do you see in him

krolia: sometimes i ask myself the same thing

keith: wait are you wearing shiro's clothing??

krolia: i'm sensing another fragment of the past coming, keith. brace yourself.

tadashiwho: YOOOO what the hell did i find myself in

keith: SHIRO??? SHIRO!!!! YOU-you're here!!!!

tadashiwho: oh hey keith

tadashiwho: hello space female

tadashiwho:

tadashiwho: wait ... what

krolia: keith, you know this guy? like, beyond voltron?

keith: yeah he's- was my mentor. my, well, brother. he took me in when... father died.

krolia: oh i

krolia: didn't know that much...

tadashiwho: keith you look so much older!!! and to think you'd never look like you were finished with puberty!!!

keith: wow

keith: thanks

krolia: oh my gosh the memories this young man brings is just...breathtaking. he really did take care of you.

keith: yeah. he did...

yeehawgane: bye friends!

tadashiwho: peace out #broganes

yeehawgane has left

tadashiwho has left

keith: 

keith: god even space makes my emotions chaotic

krolia: mood. hey if it makes you feel better you have a dog now

keith: wHAT??? WHERE????

spacepuppy: woof :3

keith: AHHHHHHH I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A DOG!!!! 

krolia: let's name him yorak!!!!

keith: mom

keith: stop with the yorak

krolia: >:(

keith: i'm naming him hippo

krolia: ...what kind of name is that?

keith: you wouldn't understand

krolia: tell me!!

keith: wait

krolia: what happened?

keith changed spacepuppy's name to hippo

hippo: growls

keith: yo

keith: what's this over here??

krolia: no keith it's probably a cursed plot twist don't touch it!!!!

keith: oops

krolia: damnitttt

keith: woah what is this place?? 

krolia: i've never seen such a flowery meadow... that's so peaceful... this is weird af

keith: wait, watch out, i see someone. stay quiet.

keith: look!

krolia: who is she?

keith: i ... she looks altean!

romelle: Halt! Who goes there? Explain yourself!

keith: IM GAY

krolia:

keith: sorry i panicked

romelle: cool i'm a lesbian

keith: oh

keith: cool

romelle: But seriously! What are you doing here? How did you find me? If you're here to capture you I know how to kill

krolia: fesity

keith: we come in peace!!!

romelle: really? then what's with the space creature?

hippo: woof?

keith: that's my new pet

keith: this is krolia, my mom

keith: i'm the former red paladin. of voltron?

romelle:

keith: no? well... are you altean? i thought they were all gone! besides princess allura and coran... and the alternate reality ones, but still

romelle: i do not know this voltron

keith: ...you mean giant robot that protects the galaxy? never heard of him?

romelle: no. but if you guys protect the galaxy, then i need your help

keith: anything

krolia: of course, madam

romelle: there's this bitch names lotor and-

keith: GASP I KNOW A BITCH NAMED LOTOR!

romelle: purple skin?? long white hair???

keith: yes!!!!!

romelle: galran/altean???

keith: yes

romelle: How???

keith: well... voltron is kind of his ally

romelle: WHAT???

krolia: i think you broke her

romelle: are you out of your fucking mind??? i thought you were protecting the galaxy!

keith: we are! is there something about him we should know?

romelle: bitch i got a whole list

krolia: tell us! we have family working alongside him. if they're in trouble, we need to know

keith: or else the whole coalition is in danger

keith: romelle, start from the beginning

TO BE CONTINUED...

Chapter Text

The Galra Empire...again

haggar: hmm

haggar: let's fuck up some lives

haggar changed their name to honerva

honerva: hehehehhehe i love screwing around with these bitches

 lotor: okay allura

lotor: time to get this show on the road

allura: alright. we have to make this quick though. i'd love to stay but i promised the team...

lotor: don't worry princess! i'll take good care of you ;)))

allura: ..ok

lotor: so

lotor: we're 95.9% done with this whole affair and BOOM

lotor: altea's legacy & the galra's future is clear

lotor: and we, as the chosen, have succeeded

allura: great! i'm so glad i was part of this :)

lotor: indeed. i am proud. and you know what?

allura: what? 0:

lotor: i bet alfor is too

allura: oh, how you flatter!

lotor: well, it's true. i knew you were powerful and strong the second i laid eyes on you

(me: bITCH-)

lotor: and now look. we're both glowing like the legends we were meant to be

allura: :") thank you, lotor. you know, i thought maybe my nostalgia and longing for the old days was all in my head and that i should move on. but due to you, i am now more closer and enlightened about my home planet than ever before. i cannot thank you enough. how ever shall i repay you?

lotor: weeeellllll

lance: NOT ON MY WATCH

allura: L-Lance!!!!11!! what are you doing here???

lance: Lotor, step away from Allura you bITCH

shiro: get ready, team!!!

allura: what?? i will do no such thing! explain to me what's going on!

lotor: yo what the fuck is this-

romelle: LOTOR IS A PUNK ASS BITCH MCFUCK NUGGET WHO'S BEEN PLAYING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME!!! HE'S A MONTROSITY WHO'S BEEN HARVESTING ALTEAN QUINTESSENCE FOR CENTURIES AND DESERVES TO FEEL MY WRATH

lotor: o fuck diddle doo

Earlier that day...

lance: uggggghhhhhhhh i'm so boooooooooored

pidge: i thought you were sad

lance: i am

lance: but i'm also bored

hunk: here have some food. it takes away the pain

lance: i seriously doubt it, but thanks

shiro has entered

shiro: team, we have some news

lance: can it wait??? i'm trying to sulk here >:(

lance: /internally: yes anything to keep my mind off things/

pidge: what is it, shiro

shiro: ryfubshbnsadiusnadksanhiasldnla

hunk: ..wat

pidge: oh no he's glitching again

shiro: dfjkbe8t7hy458tuwe4jh590834yrhnueirhfucknes8urny30

hunk: can't you fix him???

pidge: in spite of everything, he's not a computer. i'm a tech genius, not a miracle worker on humans.

shiro: sduyfhb80r7hyw290i yeah sorry i'm sdriubfsia ok

shiro: we have, um, a guest,,

hunk: do i need to get the meatball canon??

shiro: no it's

shiro: wait what?

hunk: nvm

pidge: gasp is it keith???

lance: !!!

shiro: ....see for yourself

keith: yo 

lance: GASPPPP KEITH'S BACK!!!!! WHERE THE ACTUAL FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN???? wait a hOT SECOND

lance: how do we know you're the real keith and not his hella-fine-snack-lookin-model????

pidge: ew my child ears wants you to stop with this sensual commentary

hunk: *flattery

keith: i don't have time for this lance!!!!

lance:

lance:

lance:

hunk: i think he's broken

pidge: lance.exe has stopped working lmao 

keith: sooo i got some news

krolia: hi i'm the news

romelle: ditto

pidge: woah who is she??

hippo: WOOF

hunk: wait

hunk: "hippo"??

keith: it's my space wolf i cant name it whatever i want

lance: WTF? SO YOU COME BACK WITH CRAYOLA, A WOLF/HIPPO AND SOME PRETTY BLONDE ALTEAN?? usiadbhiuasdbisaludbnila shiro i need ur stress meds

shiro: 

keith: jfc can i pls speak!!! we need to find lotor right away

pidge: he's with allura right now

romelle: the princess?

keith: of course he is.

krolia: we have to find them immediately

lance: with pleasure!!! follow me guys

krolia: also what did you say about my son

lance:

Back to present...

lotor: i can explain!!!! allura-

allura: is it true?

lotor: what?

allura: is it true? how many altrans lives were risked?

lotor: allura-

allura: HOW MANY?

lotor: it... 

romelle: spit it out, bitch

lotor: ...it's true that many lives of the altean race were used in the project. but i promise to you that what we've accomplished is beyond-

allura: THISBITCHEMPTY

lance: OOOO GODDAMN

pidge: DID SHE JUST YEET HIM????

hunk: AHHHHHHHHHHH I STAN A QUEEN

krolia: #woah

romelle: sdiusbadiasjl beauty

allura: if you come across my path ever again- or of my family's- you'll regret it. and i'm not talking violence. i'm better than you.

lance: cries

shiro: dfuinhsd8fhy43874hy327e8hydyw8dxty2347c6281by617xy8bvt923784

keith: uh, shiro? are you-

shiro: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Team Voltron has gone idle

At Haggar/Honerva's

haggar: kuron, you have brought lotor to me

shiro: yes, master

haggar: and you've taken care of the team?

shiro: as much as i could without them realizing the game at play

haggar: hmm. you've done an effecient amount of work for now. girls?

acxa, ezor and zethrid have arrived

acxa: yes, haggar?

haggar: i present you prince lotor

lotor: ALLURA I CAN EXPLAIN- ooh na na how did i get here

haggar has changed their name to honerva

honerva: my son. you are home to me at last.

lotor: i am NOT your son. and if you think i'm surrendering, you have another thing coming, asshat

honerva: such a shame. we could've ruled together, mother and son, the most powerful beings in all the galaxy. it appears, however, that i must rid of you.

lotor: i. am. not. your. son.

acxa: stand down, haggar

honerva: after all i've done for your miserable souls you dare point that gun at me! if you're so loyal, perish with him if you wish!

honerva has left

acxa: damn, left before i could do anything. lotor? our orders, sir?

lotor: take me to team voltron.

honerva: shiro. your time has come

shiro: what is my task?

honerva: to make voltron fall into my trap. you have the deepest connection with one of the paladins- use that to our advantage. the red one must still believe precious shiro is still within you. you must lure him to you and distract him away from the team. if you have to kill...then kill.

shiro: yes, haggar

honerva: perfect. then i can finally have everyone under my strings.

keith: shiro? shiro? it's me! where'd you go? i just want to talk.

shiro has entered

shiro: keith. you've made it.

keith: shiro!!! are you okay? what's wrong?

shiro: oh, i'm better now.

keith: um, really? you kinda knocked everyone out back there. what happened?

shiro: glimpses... of the past. they can be powerful.

keith: i'm aware.

keith: well, we have to be heading back. lotor's gone and- where did you put lotor? do you remember anything?

shiro: oh, keith...

shiro: none of us are going anywhere

pidge: coran, how's the castle going?

coran: still down, i'm afraid! is everyone okay?

hunk: well i still hurt, but otherwise yes

romelle: if we don't find lotor soon who knows what will become of us! 

allura: don't worry, romelle. somehow, someway- we'll find him. and get shiro back. if only we could form voltron...

lance: i still don't think it's a good idea for him to go by himself and confront him after all he's done

allura: me neither. all we can do now is work on this castle. if something is wrong, keith can alert us

hunk: what if it's too late?

allura: i- i'm sorry. i've been a fool. but we cannot leave. the castle is vulnerable and if anything happens we need as many of you as possible.

romelle: princess, forgive me but krolia and i can go after keith. or at least me- i can not fight necessarily as much as this team, but i want to help. keith might need help- and after all these years of being alone... i can't stand knowing he's alone too.

allura: that's very hot- i mean courageous- of you, but it's dangerous. 

coran: allura!! come look at this!! hunk, get your supplies ready and pidge keep your laptop at hand! lance, keep our statistics in check

hunk: yes sir!

pidge: copy

lance: of course

allura: i'm coming. krolia, romelle: keep look out

krolia: gotcha

romelle: yes, princess.

romelle: krolia, will keith be okay? i can't afford to lose another brother

krolia: ...i know. and- he should. he's strong. he can do this.

 shiro: keith. my son.

keith: ...you're freaking me out, dude

shiro: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

keith: woah are you trying to attack me???

shiro: um yes that's the point. stand still so i can take you as prisoner. or worse idk

keith: 

keith: hell nahhh

keith: YEET

shiro: STOP MOVING

keith: SHIRO YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS

shiro: HOLD STILL

keith: I THOUGHT YOU WERE FAM

shiro: YOU THOUGHT WRONG!!!

keith: b-but what about your promise?? what about us????

shiro: your parents saw that you were weak, worthless. i should have seen it too

keith: well i knew i was a disappointment but damn

shiro: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

keith: i'm sorry shiro, but you leave me no choice

shiro: WOAH WTF

shiro: DID YOU JUST CUT OFF MY ARM??

keith: ...kinda

shiro: o shit

shiro went idle

keith: dont worry i know you're in there!!! COME BACK TO ME

keith!!

keith: woah

keith: who said that??

it's me keith. the real shiro.

keith: WHAT

i died. and uhh ive been in the astral plane ever since

keith: !!!

keith: shiro, there's so much i have to say, but-

not now. you have no time. the team's in trouble. patience yields focus... remember?

keith: of-of course! how could i forget?

you have to focus on your energy and do a badass anime montage to get to Black and therefore the rest of the team

keith: say what now

gotta go. tell my story!!!

keith: but-

keith: what???

coran: FUCK it all went WRONG

hunk: i'm not sure how much longer we can hesitate before lotor comes back and attacks us!! coran, you've got this!! stay strong!!

coran: if we don't have this castle...

allura: no, coran. we mustn't give up hope. 

pidge: princess, he may be approaching... we need to get in our lions

allura: 

allura: coran, i'm sorry but-

coran: it's fine, princess. do what you have to do. i'll take care of the ship.

allura: i love you coran :")

hunk: I LOVE YOU SPACE UNCLE

pidge: DITTO

lance: YOU'RE FAMILY TO ME

coran: aww :"))

hunk: GROUP HUG

krolia: we'll help coran. go, save the universe

romelle: i thought peace no longer existed in this cruel galaxy. your voltron taught me better. thank you. you must continue to serve. and allura hon you better FLAUNT your win so lotor can be pissed

allura: djkusahdiuasdhbkajl

pidge: are you ok allura

allura: tHANK YO U

hunk: let's go beat up lotor!!!

hunk: um

hunk: guys

hunk: welp

hunk: we're uh

hunk: kinda screwed

allura: what do you-

allura: is that voltron???

hunk: a more angsty version

lance: holy hell

pidge: led my lotor! and those are his damned generals. we gotta hurry

allura: let's go!

{zethrid: yanno lotor, when you said we'd have enhanced roles i didn't think you meant this

lotor: now we can wipe our enemies clean off the galaxy. acxa, how are our statistics?

acxa: running smoothly, my lord. ezor, is your communication lines checked?

ezor: yes, ready to go. and so is the shield.

zethrid: my section is also well.

acxa: copy. lotor, sir, have you actually used this before?

lotor: no. but it doesn't matter. with my copy of voltron's exact powers- and faults- as long as its identical quintessence, we are the matches to the once legendary, inimitable voltron. victory is finally mine- i MEAN OURS

ezor: are you sure haggar doesn't know-

lotor: SHE KNOWS NOTHING!

ezor:

zethrid:

acxa:

lotor: ahem

lotor: sorry

lotor: look, there's voltron now!}

lotor: Well well well

lotor: if it isn't Voltron, the legendary defender of the galaxy

lotor: oh, wait. you have no leader. 

allura: Stop this nonsense, you vile fiend

lotor: Allura, I do not mean harm. I was merely pointing out our situation-

allura: There is no "our" in this.

lotor: Allura, please. We fight for the same cause. We love Altea and we aspire to have peace. We belong to each other. I know you have feelings for me too. 

allura: I've never felt more hate and bitterness towards anyone in my whole entire life. You personally insulted and took advantage of me. You're your fucking daddy's son. You're just a montrous, abominable and repulsive as Zarkon!

lotor: i.. i-

acxa: my lord?

zethrid: YES FINALLY WE CAN ATTACK

allura: STAY STRONG TEAM!! WE CANNOT LET THEM WIN.

pidge: NOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN

hunk: WHEN YOU FRICK WITH MY FAMILY THERE'S HELL TO PAY

lance: LET'S DANCE FUCKERS

keith: the team's in trouble

keith: i've got to help them

keith: so...anime montage? okay... but how do i-

keith: woah what are these lights

keith: and this wind??

keith: is this what it feels like to be in a movie?? or to be beyonce??

keith: i'm so used to my emo hair being in my face. this feels exposing

keith: more fucking flashbacks? god im gonna die

keith: no ok

keith: there's the team!!!

keith: IM COMING GUYS

lance: PIDGE, ON YOUR RIGHT!!!

pidge: FUCK

hunk: WATCH YOUR PROFANITY

lance: KINDA HARD WHEN YOU'RE DYING

hunk: HELLLLL

pidge: 

hunk: what, ever seen a hypocrite?

allura: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

lance: woah

hunk: :o

allura: iM abOuT tO eND tHis bITCH

pidge: me too LEZ GO

lance: JFC EZOR

ezor: hehehehehe

lance: STOP DOING TH- woah. guys!!! IS THAT KEITH????

lotor: what?

lotor: ow!

allura: >:)

pidge: omfg he stole our anime scene!!!

hunk: damn. but that hAIR

lance: AHHHHH KEITH'S BACK

hunk: are you happy are upset?

pidge: are you crying?

lance: a little

keith: guys!!!! i'm back. time to fuck up this bitch. FORM VOLTRON!!

lotor: mothebturbtfsujfsn

coran: SHIT SHIT SHIT

coran: i can't leave this ship behind!!!! this was my family's. this is altea's. it can't die. it can't- what would pops do? think, coran. it's all up to you now. if only i could just... i'll look through this. that's junk, that's worthless, that's- that's! just what i need! THANKS GRANDPOPPP FAM LOVE U 

coran: WOOOOOO I'M ABOUT TO SAVE YOUR ASSES

krolia: IS THAT MY SON???

romelle: is that my brother???? *cries* my new brother. fuck. im proud of him. kEITH FUCKING KOGANE I STAN A KING

krolia: idk what that means but yeah!!!

romelle: coran, are you ok??

coran: i think i got something that'll help voltron!!! and thus save the ship!!!

romelle: perfect! altea gone, my home gone... i can't see this one leave either. anything you need, i'm here. one altean to another.

krolia: and i wish to help the altean cause too. if... you'll have a galra like me

romelle: are you kidding? you're like a mom to me

krolia: i

krolia: well fuck i told myself i wasnt going to cry today but

coran: we can do this. 

keith: TAKE THAT

lance: BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

pidge: FUCK YOU AND YOUR GENERALS

hunk: EAT MY WRATH

allura: MINE TOO!!!!!!!

{lotor: jfc i hate this goddamn family

lotor: ACXA WHAT ARE OUR NUMBERS

acxa: still strong. strong enough, anyway. i'm sure we can take them.

ezor: THIS IS SO MUCH PRESSSUUUUREEEEE}

keith: GIVE UP!

lotor: NEVER! I PLAN TO WIPE THE UNIVERSE CLEAN OF MY ENEMIES- VOLTRON, SENDAK, WORTHLESS SOULS AND THE REST OF THE GALRA

{acxa:

ezor:

zethrid:

ezor: well fuck us

acxa: team, i think it's time we abandon our ties with lotor. abort mission!

zethrid: ABORT!!!!11!!}

lotor: FUUUCK

lance: wait what's that light??

keith: i dont fucking know the kinks to this anime montage thing so

hunk: lol kinks

keith: not that kind 

allura: it's- quintessence!!

pidge: lotor is already mad, just image how batshit crazy he's going to be when he reaches that quintessence field....

allura: well

allura: if it's quintessence he wants, he's going to fucking have it

allura: team, cover me

A few minutes and more crazy Lotor scenes later

romelle: is allura going to be ok?

lance: she has to be. we have no choice.

keith: no matter what happens... we have to be ready.

pidge: what about shiro?

coran: yes, what happened to him?

hunk: is he going to be leader again?

keith: i'm... not sure, team. i mean... actually, shiro... he told me-

allura: paladins! i arrive.

lance: allura!!

hunk: you're okay! you're- why is she glowing?

allura: i'm going to heal shiro. just... don't freak out

hunk:

hunk: im freaking out how is she doing this

pidge: woah. she can do that??

lance: i stopped asking questions tHAT'S RIGHT ALLURA MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN SLAY

shiro: 78347ty237843tyhge7ywbuhyi

shiro: woah

shiro: what the fuck

keith: shiro!!! you're- you're going to be ok?

allura: he'll be fine. i promise. his soul went to the astral plane... i was able to get hold of it. somehow. weird altean magic you know...

hunk: wait, so you put his soul back into his body!?

lance: wait wait so- so- that's what he was trying to tell me!!! he... he tried to warn me but... but i didn't know. i- i'm so sorry, shiro!!!! please forgive me. i- i...

keith: hey man... don't cry, it's not your fault

hunk: have a tissue fam :^)

lance: sobs how the fuck do you have this

hunk: space walmart

shiro: it's ok... lance. this shit happens... you know

pidge: WAIT SO HE WAS DEAD??? THIS WHOLE TIME???

shiro: kind of lol

keith: yeah. long story... but what now?

romelle: yes. you have defeated lotor... what about this whole protect the galaxy thing when you don't have the castle?

coran: i was wondering the same thing...

pidge: welll....

pidge: there's only one place that has the necessities for us until we get something new.

hunk: you mean....

keith: yeah. we're... finally going home :")

pidge: wipes away tears

lance: sOBS LouDerR

romelle: fascinating! i get to see earth?

coran: oh boy

allura: i'm glad to be of assitance while on earth! how cool!

hunk: IM COMING HOME

pidge: IM COMING HOME

lance: TELL THE WORLD THAT IM COMING HOME

shiro: gosh with this terrible singing i might as well die again

shiro: also why are you guys leaving me on the damn floor

shiro: WAIT IS MY ARM GONE

keith:

krolia: just... go to sleep shiro

shiro:bUT-

krolia: shhhhhHHH

shiro:

hunk: he's sleeping :|

pidge: it's what he deserves

lance: still crying

**

Meanwhile, in some random spot in space

matt: katie?

matt: katie!!!

matt: KATIE WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING ME

matt: ...

matt: did you guys forget me???

matt: WHAT THE FU