Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

With only one word

You change the ending of a tragedy

And summon power from the injuries

With only one word

It’s funny how one single thing you choose to say

Will change the world and then

It suddenly means something better

Conjure One - One Word

They were sitting on the beach, the most deserted and quiet place in Hasetsu. Heavy clouds hang low above the earth, moving fast with the high wind. The air was humid and salty from the splashes of stormy ocean waves. Seagulls cried in the sky while fighting with the wind.

It was chilly, but not to the point of unbearable cold.

Yuuri dragged his knees up, hugging them tightly and leaning his chin on top. He was nervous. He wasn’t used to opening his feelings freely but he wanted to clear things out with Victor, even if it meant the man could turn his back on him. He doubted that would happen but anxiety told him otherwise. He shivered.

Victor glanced at him before reaching for the basket they had brought with them to take out two blankets, he silently offered one to Yuuri who was so very grateful for that. Yuuri was also grateful that Victor sensed the mood and didn’t try to break the silence with a joke or a story. He wrapped the blanket around himself, watching from the corner of his eye as Victor did the same. He felt immensely better.

Yuuri had a sleepless night after what seemed like a harmless conversation he’d had with Victor the day before. He had been tossing and turning until dawn, haunted by the sour and painful thoughts which stirred in him during the day. Yuuri didn’t want to accept the fact that he cried, didn’t want to accept two heavy hot traitors-tears that escaped the corners of his eyes, ran across his temples, and hid in the hairline while he was lying in the darkness. He felt like he couldn’t stand them any longer. He couldn’t fight those thoughts alone anymore. A few hours of restless sleep in the early morning did nothing to calm him or relieve the tension. When he woke up, he felt a desperate need to share this, to let this all out or it would tear him apart from the inside.

During breakfast, his hands shook slightly when he took a glass of water. Of course, Victor noticed the change in his demeanor, the shakiness, the quietness, the pained fake smile. Of course, he had to ask what’s going on. Yuuri half wanted to hide everything and act like nothing happened, as he used to do, half needed support desperately. In a span of a couple of months, Victor became very dear to him. He was learning to trust and open up. It was hard, but each time he shared something personal, he saw that it didn’t lead to the apocalypse. On the contrary, it just made things more clear and solidified their connection.

“Is something troubling you?” Victor asked.

Yuuri nodded and then looked Victor in the eyes. He saw compassion. No judgment, no cold, no suspicion. Only warmth. 

After they finished breakfast, Yuuri gathered his resolve. “I want to tell you something,” he said finally, “But not here. Let’s go to the ocean. The weather is not perfect, but I just…” He trailed, worrying the hem of his shirt with his fingers, sighed, and chanced a glance at Victor who just gently smiled, concern visible on his face. “That means we just need to pack a few extra things,” Victor said reassuringly.

Even though Yuuri was nervous, he felt safe somehow. Maybe because of the blanket that helped to create a soothing cocoon of warmth. Maybe because that was his hometown and everything was familiar. This spot on the beach was his favorite place to think. Maybe because he was here with the first person he started to trust.

Now came the hardest part.

Yuuri’s heart beat fast in his chest. He took a deep breath. He knew he exaggerated the situation, but he couldn’t help his reactions.

“Remember yesterday you mentioned past relationships? And I said ‘no comment’?” Yuuri quietly asked, nibbling his lips and fiddling with a loose string on his jeans, while Victor slightly furrowed his brows and nodded.

“Yuuri, did I cross the boundaries? I’m sorry if I did.”

“There’s nothing wrong with asking about that. Although, yeah, it’s personal… It’s just… just… me. Me that is wrong. I am… wrong.” He let out a shuddering breath before pressing the heels of his hands to his brows.

Victor didn’t see where it could come from. Yuuri, so kind, gentle, smart, caring, and charming person, what could cause such thoughts? And what on Earth made the man so nervous he might jump out of his skin? 

“It’s ‘no comment’ because there’s nothing to tell about. There are no past relationships, no dates even, nothing. I’m about to turn 27 soon. It’s pathetic.” Yuuri spat the last sentence, hands still covering his face.

“I disagree with the last one,” Victor said calmly even though he was a bit surprised by that answer. Yuuri was attractive, extremely talented, and charming. It seemed strange that no one found interest in him. And he must have blamed himself for that. “Yuuri, it’s okay. Those things should come naturally. You can’t force them if it doesn’t feel right. Nobody has the right to judge you. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I knooooow, but…” Yuuri breathed out so quietly it was almost a whisper. “It still hurts. It hurts so much!” He clenched his fists. “I feel like I’m broken.”

“What makes you think that?” Victor asked gently before turning to face Yuuri properly to watch his expression.

“Because I can’t love!”

Victor was speechless for a second.

“What do you mean by that?”

Yuuri put his hands on his knees and stared at the ocean. He couldn’t look at Victor, he felt like he would break if he did. Opening his feelings was hard enough in itself. He felt too exposed and vulnerable to let Victor look him in the eye. “Every time someone approaches me, I push them away. There was one girl back in the US. We talked a few times, had coffee, she seemed nice and interesting. Then she started to text me all the time, wanted to see me more often. I thought we were friends. I didn’t realize what was going on until one day she suddenly hugged me and kissed me on a cheek, and looked into my eyes, and… saw someone else, not me. I freaked out. I pushed her away. I apologized but I couldn’t talk to her after that. I had no feelings for her. She just assumed things. I felt violated.” Yuuri’s voice became more hoarse with each word. “But she wasn’t the only one. My friend Phichit always encouraged me to socialize more, he would drag me to parties and introduce people to me. But every time I wanted to get to know someone, they assumed I was flirting or whatever while I wasn’t. I ran away from each of them.”

By that point Yuuri was rasping, his tongue and throat dry. He tried to swallow but to no avail.

Victor reached for a thermos and poured some tea into a plastic cup before giving it to Yuuri, who accepted it with a tiny smile and a nod. Yuuri carefully sipped hot liquid, hugging the cup tightly, trying to warm his fingers while wind swished through the bent old pines and seagulls cried high above.

The air was humid and saturated with smells of water and wet soil. Victor took a deep breath. 

“Have you tried to tell them how you felt?”

Yuuri blinked, “I… No…? I guess I was too scared”, he admitted. 

“What I will tell might sound harsh, but just consider this. True, they didn’t know you, so they might’ve assumed things based on their own experience. But if you had told them how you felt, do you think they would’ve still pushed?”

“I haven’t looked at it from that perspective…” 

“Usually, people only see what we show them”, Victor sighed, grabbed a handful of sand, and let it fall through his fingers. “In addition to that, they see only what they want to see. What they are ready to see. They create an image of us in their minds. And we get scared to ruin that image, afraid that they won’t like or love us anymore if we are not what they expected.”

“Now I understand”, Yuuri whispered. “I think I wasn’t ready to confront them and clear everything out at the moment.”

“I’ll also add that their feelings were as valid as yours. You both had reasons to act the way you did. But you can’t be responsible for their emotions and feelings. This is out of your control. There is no one to blame. We feel what we feel.”

Yuuri never considered this. And once he realized what exactly Victor said, he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. “Gosh”, he sighed.

“But you also came to a conclusion you couldn’t love, right?” Victor inquired. 

“Yes… But I don’t know how to describe or explain it.” Yuuri pulled the blanket around himself tighter. “I saw people around going on dates and making out with someone they barely knew. I couldn’t get it. How can you come to a stranger and jump in bed with them? I always needed a lot of time to get to know a person, to put down my walls. I don’t understand how can you look at the person, knowing that they won’t stay with you and still let them… touch you.”

“Yuuri, have you ever felt like you wanted to be touched?” Victor asked carefully.

“Um…” Yuuri fidgeted. His eyes wandered around, not stopping on one object for long, he bit his bottom lip. “I had what people would call a crush only twice in my life. First when I was a teen. It was for Yuuko, you’ve met her, my childhood friend. She was dating her future husband at the time, I couldn’t tell her about my feelings, so I had to deal with them on my own. I tried to cut it out of my heart. It was painful to see her, to talk to her. Eventually, I was able to overcome it.” Yuuri sighed. “Another happened when I was in my last year in Uni.” Yuuri had never told that to anyone except his friend Phichit who witnessed the situation. He had never come out to anyone. He desperately hoped Victor would accept him. “His name was Mark.”

Victor sucked in a breath. He tried to breach the topic carefully to find out if Yuuri was interested in men but it went all wrong yesterday. And now… He liked Yuuri. Very much so. Of course, it didn’t mean Yuuri liked him that way in return. But it gave him a sliver of hope.

“We were friends but I was strangely drawn to him.” Yuuri continued. “But I didn’t acknowledge it even to myself. Once I had a dream in which we kissed. That’s when I realized I liked him that way. He was the first and the only person I wanted to physically get close to but he was straight.”

“Damn,” Victor whispered.

All those feelings and memories came back in an overwhelming wave. Yuuri started counting seconds while inhaling in an attempt to calm down. He then continued.

“I had… I had to cut those feelings out of my heart again. I thought ‘fine, I’ve already done that, I’ll manage’ but I had no idea how much it would hurt afterward, how much it would affect me. F-first t-time I felt… something… and I ought to… to throw it away. Like it’s nothing. Like it n-never actually existed.”

The wave made Yuuri drown in reliving all of that pain. He sobbed. There were hot tears again. He took his glasses off and covered his face with his hands. 

Victor didn’t know how to help and how to soothe him. He just did what he could. One loses a lot of water while crying – right? – so it’s necessary to avoid dehydration, - he thought. He took the cup and poured some more tea for Yuuri. He let it cool down for a bit.

“That sucks.” Victor finally said. He watched as Yuuri calmed down slowly and then gave a cup to him. Yuuri drank quietly while drying his eyes with a sleeve.

“So you couldn’t love because you didn’t feel like you were permitted to?”

“What?” Yuuri lifted his head and turned halfway but didn’t meet Victor’s eyes. “Shit. You are right.”

Few minutes passed and eventually, Yuuri continued.

“To be honest, I’ve never been interested in em… intimacy while I was a teenager. There were so many other interesting things going on! So I never looked for it in books or movies. Not until Mark. After, yes, I was curious. I was 22 at the time. I suddenly understood I missed a hell of a lot of stuff in my life. And on top of that, I might be bisexual or gay. It took me a few years just to come to terms with myself.” Yuuri cleaned his glasses and put them back on to hide his puffy red face.

Victor took it as an opportunity to say something. “And you did, didn’t you? At least now you know this about yourself, that’s good. And it means you did a lot of work. I know how hard it might’ve been.”

“You do?” Yuuri raised his head and for the first time since the conversation has begun, he looked Victor square in the eye.

“I came to terms with myself too, though it happened a long time ago. I’m gay and I’m happy to be who I am.” Victor said not breaking eye contact.

“I didn’t know,” Yuuri whispered.

“Now you do,” Victor said and smiled. “Yuuri, from what you’ve told me I can tell that you are able to love. Strongly. There’s no doubt in that. Even if now you’re thinking you are not. I’m sorry you had an experience that hurt so much and made you think otherwise. But you are permitted to love. This is the right that is given to us since we were born. Nobody can take it from us.”

Yuuri choked by a sudden sob. He turned away and looked at the ocean. The wind became stronger so he buried himself in a blanket.

“I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I still don’t know. They hurt me so much that I started to believe I’m defective.”

“Oh, Yuuri. There’s nothing wrong with you,” Victor reassured him. “The moment wasn’t right, the people weren’t right. Not having dated anybody doesn’t make you defective. Dating is not a virtue. That’s just the way you are, your unique way. It’s probably hard to believe right now but your feelings will be reciprocated one day. And that person will be so, so lucky to have you.”

I will be so lucky to have you if you let me… Victor thought to himself.

Tears were welling in Yuuri’s eyes again. But they weren’t from the pain this time. They meant deliverance. “It’s so hard to believe and hope.” He whispered.

“I believe in what I say, Yuuri, I truly do.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you for telling me your story. I appreciate it. I can’t imagine how much courage and strength it took.”

“Hella lot.” Yuuri nodded and faced Victor. Their eyes met again for a long moment. Chocolate brown and deep blue.

“I fight those demons for so long but they come back when I least expect them to. I needed to hear what you said, Victor.” Yuuri admitted. 

“You are welcome. Any time. Do you feel any better now?”

“Yeah. But I must look like shit.” Yuuri winced.

Victor smiled. “You are.”

Yuuri couldn’t believe he was hearing it. “What?!”

Victor blinked innocently before chuckling, “Just teasing.” He took a breath and said in a more serious tone, “To be honest, I think tears are beautiful. Vulnerability is beautiful. The blotchy face is just a detail that doesn’t really matter.” He reached for a thermos. “We might as well finish it. I would like to drink something warm now.”

“Oh, sorry. I kept the cup all the time.” Yuuri replied.

“I know you needed it.” Victor smiled. “Oh, we still have sandwiches.”

They sat on the sand for a while, ate, and talked, and then they got up still wrapped in blankets like huge burritos, and walked along the water line searching for a good chewing stick for Makkachin who waited for them at home.

Chapter Text

To be with you is easy

I know you're good for me

Above & Beyond - Good For Me

Once out of the shower Victor approached his wardrobe and took a thoughtful look at the clothes he had. Casual pants or tight jeans that hugged his rear just so? Button up or T-shirt? Black or blue? So many choices, ugh…

It’s not a date. He sighed.

It’s not a date yet.

But he oh so wanted it to be. With each new day, Victor felt stronger for Yuuri. It was friendship at first, but then it started to transform into something more. Something that neither of them could describe or put a label to. They got pretty close, they learned to trust, to accept, to support each other. They also felt at ease in proximity and casual physical touches. And now it was impossible to deny that it stirred desire.

Cold droplet hit his toe.

Victor sighed again and toweled his dripping hair.

What should you wear when you want to impress, but do not want to come too strong? He still had one hour to decide, but he would rather do it now than 10 minutes before he had to head out. Victor was going to meet Yuuri for dinner in one of their favorite restaurants. He waited for this night out all week and couldn’t hold the anticipation.

His phone chimed on the nightstand. Victor sat on the bed and unlocked it to read the message.

From Yuuri:

Victor, I am sorry, but I don’t feel good tonight. Can we reschedule?

Victor’s heart fell. Disappointment weighed his shoulders. But then he felt compassion and worry. Health is much more important.

To Yuuri:

Of course! Did something happen? Do you need anything?

From Yuuri:

No, it’s okay. I just need some rest.

To Yuuri:

If you change your mind I am one message away ;)

From Yuuri:

Thanks!

From Yuuri:

You are not mad at me?

To Yuuri:

No, of course not. A bit sad, but you’ll make it up to me next time, right? ;)

From Yuuri:

How does the ice cream sound? From THAT store?

To Yuuri:

YESSSSS

Yes, please!

From Yuuri:

Knew it ;)

I love you, – Victor thought. He almost typed it in but caught himself in time.

No more messages came. Victor fell on his back, bouncing on the bed. He closed his eyes.

I love your smile when you lift one corner of your mouth just so. I love how you stutter when surprised. I love how you remember things I said I liked. I love the sparks in your eyes when an idea comes to your mind. I love your tired voice. I love your shyness.

I want to get to know you better. I want to spend time with you. I want to share things with you. Important things, personal things, silly things, memories both sad and happy. I want to make new memories with you. I want to tell you how I feel.

Yuuri was the only person Victor felt at such ease with. They could talk about everything and nothing. They could sit in silence and it still was as comfortable as talking, just without words. Yuuri understood him as no other could. To be honest, Victor never felt the need to open up to somebody before he met this man.

Victor’s chest suddenly felt heavy. So heavy he almost couldn’t breathe. He felt wetness on his cheeks. …And then a stinky breath. A wet tongue licked his nose.

“Makkachin! Beh, you need to brush your teeth! Oh, God. Be a nice girl, get off me...”

Victor tried to sit up, but the dog pinned him to the mattress, lying across his chest.

“My lovely girl, let me up!”

No reaction.

“Dinner?” He whistled. That was a special sound he used to signify the food was coming.

Makkachin barked happily and ran to the kitchen. Victor chuckled and followed her.

Hours went by.

Just the moment Victor closed the book and thought of going to sleep, his phone chimed.

From Yuuri:

I feel strange.

To Yuuri:

What is it?

From Yuuri:

I’m not sick. But I almost dropped the cup, because my hand couldn’t hold it. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t feel anything.

Victor frowned. Not good. This doesn’t sound good at all.

To Yuuri:

I am here. Do you need to talk?

From Yuuri:

I don’t know.

To Yuuri:

What’s your address?

From Yuuri:

Why?

To Yuuri:

You shouldn’t stay alone. I don’t like thinking you are all alone there.

No response. Victor got up, put the jeans on and headed to the door, turning the light in the room off.

To Yuuri:

Give me your address.

I know the train station you live nearby.

I’m leaving the house at the moment.

I will come anyway.

A string of kanji and numbers came as a reply. Victor stood at the door. He already gathered his keys and phone and thought if he forgot anything. It was 11 pm already, so if he spent an hour or so at Yuuri’s, it would be nice to take toiletries in case he needed to stay the night. A spare T-shirt won’t hurt, too.

He was putting shoes on when Makkachin sadly looked at him and barked accusingly. Victor’s face brightened.

“You know what? Let’s go with me.”

But when the man grabbed the leash he remembered something else and ran to the kitchen to take some dog food with him.

Maybe it was too much but better be prepared than sorry. “Be prepared!” He remembered the old song, chuckled nervously, and ran to the door for the third time.

A taxi pulled to the curb at the same time as he left the building with Makkachin in tow.

Victor expected Yuuri to hug him in greeting.

They always did so after their friendship grew deeper and he told Yuuri that this is Russian tradition.

But Yuuri was distant now. His hair was disheveled, the skin under the eyes puffy, and not even a hint of a smile on his lips. A shadow of a man. Yuuri lifted his eyes just for a second and there was so much pain in them that Victor’s heart fell. Makkachin got excited and tried to jump Yuuri but Victor didn’t let her.

Yuuri silently let them in, closed the door with shaking hands, and disappeared inside the barely lit apartment.

Makkachin and Victor exchanged a glance.

I don’t know what happened, but we will make it better, he thought, we have to.

He had never been to Yuuri’s before but space wasn’t that big, so Victor found the man quickly.

Seeing Yuuri curled in a frigid ball on the bed, he hesitated only a second before he launched himself in Yuuri’s direction, approaching as close as he dared to.

“Can I touch you?” He asked quietly.

No reaction.

…But then a tiny nod. Oh, thank God.

Victor sat on the bed and put his hand on Yuuri’s shoulder and then on his back to run it in calming circles. He whistled to Makkachin to come closer. The dog happily complied, sniffed Yuuri’s head and hands before leaning on him and whining softly.

Tentative fingers reached for her soft fur and Yuuri sniffled.

Victor’s heart swelled with emotion.

He watched as the man and dog interacted for maybe 10 minutes or so when Yuuri said something illegible in Japanese and launched off the bed.

Startled, Victor followed Yuuri to the kitchen and watched as the man began rummaging the cupboards, taking out some instant noodles, some vegetables, and then filling an electric kettle.

Suddenly, the meaning of the word Yuuri mumbled dawned on Victor. He said “Hungry.”

Yuuri’s actions were uncoordinated, hurried, and slow at the same time. He was shaking, suddenly getting rigid and then shaking again. It was visible how much effort he needed to put in each move, but he seemed so determined to control his hands that Victor didn’t feel like he should interrupt so he just sat at the low table. Makkachin was sniffing around, accustoming herself to the space.

“Tea?” Whispered Yuuri, not turning in Victor’s direction.

“Yes, I would like some.”

A steaming cup appeared in front of him.

“Thanks.”

No more words came. Yuuri was cooking as though his life depended on it. The proximity of boiling water and a knife made Victor uneasy, but Yuuri was careful, so Victor decided not to intrude. He kept his eyes on the man just in case. He couldn’t understand what was going on with Yuuri.

The tea was still too hot to drink, so Victor took in his surroundings. It was a tiny kitchen in a traditional style. Tidy except for a few boxes with art supplies scattered here and there.

“Do you mind if I take a look?” Victor asked, reaching for a box.

Yuuri just shrugged and continued chopping vegetables.

Victor found brush pens and liners he used in his work, too. Perfect quality of the tips, rich color palette. Pencils, fine paper… Japan is heaven for artists and a true danger to their bank accounts.

“Is it okay if I…”

Yuuri turned, looked at Victor’s hands, grabbed his phone, and started typing. Victor was confused for a moment but then his phone chimed. A string of messages came.

From Yuuri:

Feel free to use anything you like, I don’t mind

It is extremely hard to speak out loud at the moment. I don’t know why. I am in a strange headspace.

But texting feels okay somehow.

To Yuuri:

Thanks for telling me this. If I can do anything to help, just let me know, okay?

From Yuuri:

Ok.

The silence wasn’t uncomfortable per se, but it grated on Victor’s nerves that he didn’t know what to do and how to make Yuuri feel better. He had never seen anybody in such a state before.

Victor glanced at Yuuri’s back and took a sheet of paper along with black ink liners. Makkachin sat near the fridge, lolling her tongue out and looking amusingly cute. He took the cap off the 0,5 tip and started sketching the dog.

In a few minutes, Yuuri silently sat across the table with a steaming plate of noodles, vegetables, and eggs. The man didn’t even look around, focusing solely on consuming the food. His left hand was on the table, he clenched the fist nervously once in a while, trying to control the trembling.

To add some fine details to the curls and fur Victor switched to a 0,1 liner.

He heard Yuuri sigh after finishing his food. Victor glanced at the man. He looked extremely tired and exhausted. Each move seemed to take an enormous amount of effort. Nevertheless, Yuuri did the dishes, dried the plate and chopping board, and leaned on the counter heavily. Suddenly his knees gave in.

Victor was at his side in an instant, putting hands around Yuuri’s waist. The man found his balance and leaned on Victor.

“Oh, thanks…”

The dropped liner rolled to the floor, Makkachin caught it and sniffed.

Blood pounded in Victor’s ears. Worry, compassion, the proximity of Yuuri’s body and the warmth from it felt like an extreme cocktail.

“We better get you to lie down, shall we?”

Makkachin trotted behind them.

Once on the bed, Yuuri curled in a ball again and mumbled “Put the cap on…”

Victor knit his brows, “What?”

“The liner. It will dry out.”

“Oh, Yuuri”, Victor sighed, “Sure.”

He returned with both their phones and a cup of water and smiled seeing Makkachin licking Yuuri’s nose. The man turned around and took his phone from Victor’s hand.

To Yuuri:

How do you feel?

From Yuuri:

Like I’m in a strange headspace and I don’t want to get out.

To Yuuri:

We could listen to calming music. No need to talk if you don’t want to. It’s okay with me.

From Yuuri:

I don’t know. I feel sleepy, but my mind races, so I won’t be able to fall asleep for a while.

To Yuuri:

Would you like to draw? It’s calming.

From Yuuri:

No, don’t have energy.

To Yuuri:

Okay. Let’s pet Makkachin then.

Victor scratched her belly and the dog melted happily, turning to her back and asking for more. Yuuri was hesitant at first, but then grew bolder.

“This is calming” he mumbled after some time and smiled timidly. The shell cracked. Victor beamed.

Their hands brushed a few times in the process of petting her and Victor’s heart soared each time. Yuuri didn’t shy out of the touch and it just did strange things to Victor.

“I had a dog, too, when I was little”, Yuuri said after a while, voice still a bit distant.

“Was it a boy or a girl?” Victor asked.

“Boy. Toy poodle. I… I loved him a lot”, Yuuri closed his eyes and sighed. “I miss him. I miss his warmth and his joyful nature.”

“I wish we could’ve met. Imagine how cute it would be if Makkachin had a tiny friend?”

Yuuri smiled. “Indeed.”

A few minutes went by.

“Was it hard to bring her abroad with you?”

“So hard, it’s not even funny. Papers, shots, sedatives during the plane ride, a microchip. It’s good that I researched every detail before the trip and checked the papers ten times, otherwise she would have been quarantined for weeks with no right for me to even see and console her.”

“Oh…”

“But, to bring her with me or leave her behind was not even a question.” Victor nuzzled Makkachin’s fur and cooed. “Yes, my little girl? Yes. I couldn’t trade you for the world.”

A soft smile spread on Yuuri’s lips while he watched Victor’s interaction with his little friend. But then his expression turned thoughtful.

“Victor, how long are you going to stay in Japan?”

“I signed a contract for a year.”

“Oh…” Yuuri bit his lip.

“The company suggested 3 years initially, but I said I’ll have to see if this place is good for me and then I’ll reconsider.”

“Have you made the decision yet?” Yuuri’s voice was timid and hesitant.

“Actually, yes.”

Victor met Yuuri’s gaze. “I am staying.” Yuuri visibly relaxed and Victor continued, “I like Japan. I feel at ease here. The paperwork, visa, all this stuff is tiring of course, but it's easier to breathe here. In a metaphorical way. Even though everything is different and unknown, I love it. I feel alive here.”

Victor had so much more to add, so much more to say and confess, but it wasn't the right time.

“I am glad”, Yuuri smiled.

Victor closed his eyes for a moment. He felt sleepy and tired. It was way past midnight and he never went to bed so late.

“Sorry. I might fall asleep at any moment.”

“You can stay the night. The bed is big enough for the three of us. Let me show you the bathroom.”

“You don't mind Makka sleeping on the bed?”

“It’s alright”, Yuuri replied and got up. 

Victor followed the man, nodding to the instructions he received, and thanked him for a spare towel. He then retrieved his toiletries and started a skincare routine. Once done, he returned to the bedroom and remembered that he didn’t bring any pants. Sleeping in one bed in underwear only seemed not appropriate.

“Yuuri, could I borrow some loose track pants?”

The man blinked.

“Oh… I… sure, let me…” He rummaged through the wardrobe and handed the garment. “I hope those will fit, you are taller than me. I um… I’ll go to the bathroom.”

Victor was a weak man. He lifted the soft fabric to his nose. The smell of washing powder filled his senses. Nothing special, but still… He shook his head and changed quickly.

Yuuri came back and they got under the covers.

“Do you feel any better?” Victor asked.

Yuuri hummed. “I think so.”

“Good”, Victor yawned. “But don’t hesitate to wake me up if you need anything, okay?”

“Thanks, I will.”

“Goodnight, Yuuri.” Despite everything, Victor fell asleep as soon as he closed his eyes.

Yuuri turned off the light. “Goodnight.”

A few hours crept by, but sleep didn’t come to Yuuri. His mind raced, his brain was too active to shut itself out and rest. He heard Victor stir and suddenly hands were around him as he was pulled into a tight embrace. Victor’s breath tickled his neck.

Yuuri opened his eyes and took a sharp inhale.

He craved the touch. He craved it like a thirsty man in the desert craved water and shadow. But he was too afraid to ask because of his past experiences where his feelings weren’t wanted. So when freely offered, he will take as much as he can with great gratitude.

The warmth, the touch, the kindness… It was unexpected but so very welcome. And it was calming like nothing else.

This was… This was everything he wished for. A person he trusted hugging him and a dog at the foot of the bed. This is what happiness looked like for him.

Sleep came eventually.

Yuuri woke up when a soft light filled the room. It was too early to get up, but he needed to pee. Victor was still pressed to him from behind. Yuuri gently squeezed a hand lying on his stomach but didn’t try to remove it. “Victor”, he called quietly.

Makkachin lifted her head.

The man stirred and made incomprehensible noises while hugging Yuuri more tightly.

Yuuri’s bladder protested. “Victor, wake up”, he called and squeezed the hand once again.

A sharp intake of breath, “А? Что?”

“I need to use the bathroom.”

“Oh, I… Sure. Sorry. You were so warm, you know…” Victor said, his Russian accent rich from sleepiness.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” Yuuri smiled, turning his head and meeting Victor’s sleepy eyes and disheveled hair. God, even in such a state he was gorgeous. “I liked it.” The man relaxed and Yuuri left the room.

When he came back, Victor was still awake. Yuuri lingered at the door frame, taking in the sight in front of him. His heart skipped a beat and swelled. He wanted to remember this moment forever. He was so afraid to seek intimacy, but this felt like the turning point in their relationship and he had to take a step forward. He didn’t want it to be an accident they will avoid talking about in the morning. He won’t let fear take it from him. 

Once under the covers, Yuuri nuzzled Victor’s shoulder taking in his natural scent, hugged him in return, and closed his eyes.

Victor was stiff for a short moment but then relaxed, inhaled deeply, and pressed his cheek to Yuuri’s head.

This was heaven.

A few hours later they woke up as the heavy paws started walking right on them, dog breath and wet tongue followed suit.

Victor groaned, “Makka, noooo…” and tried to move the dog, but to no avail. He turned to Yuuri, “You are warm, this is nice, Sunday, I don’t want to get up”, he mumbled.

Makkachin woofed impatiently.

Yuuri chuckled. He reached her and ran hands through the soft curls, “Who is a good girl here?” He cooed. “She is probably hungry. I don’t want to get up, either. But we need to take care of her…”

We… Victor smiled.

“Okay,” he sighed and lifted himself. Makkachin jumped to the floor happily. “I’ll walk her first. Is there any green area or park nearby?”

Yuuri sat up and rubbed sleepy eyes before putting the glasses on. “Um… Yes, when you get out of the building, turn right and walk two blocks. You’ll see the sign.”

“Noted!”

Yuuri yawned and stretched his hands up. His T-shirt rode high, revealing a sliver of tanned skin.

Best. Morning. Ever. Victor thought.

Makkachin woofed.

“Coming!”

While Victor was out, Yuuri took a quick shower and started making breakfast. A lot happened in 24 hours and he needed some time to comprehend everything. Anxiety was familiar to him. Panic attacks were rare but still happened sometimes. Yet the thing last night was something new. He had never experienced anything like it. The world lost its color. Food tasted like ash. The sound didn’t make any sense. Emotions were nonexistent. His body muscles were weak. He couldn’t even talk! Everything hurt so much he didn’t want to live. He didn’t want to die either, but living was painful and he needed to hide from the pain, so his brain shut him out of the world.

Yuuri was grateful for his coping mechanisms to kick in almost right away. He started doing simple actions: cleaning, dusting, doing the dishes. It helped a lot and calmed him. He probably would have been fine on his own after a while. And his flat would have been clean and shiny as never before as a side effect. But Victor and Makkachin's presence sped up the process of healing. Victor was the first person Yuuri wanted to hold on to, to reach out to, to open up to. He had never thought this kind of connection will happen to him. And yet…

When Victor hugged him he clearly understood he wanted even more.

This was a scary thought. This was new territory for him with no map or guidance. In addition to that, society wasn’t as welcoming to that kind of relationship as he wished.

Fear is a strong thing. It’s almost impossible to fight if treated as an enemy.

But at the same time, fear saves us from mortal danger. Is an unknown a mortal danger? Do society’s views set in stone forever? No.

Fear is a tool if treated as a friend.

Warmth flooded Yuuri’s heart. Warmth, gratitude, hope. And most importantly – curiosity. Curiosity to find out where his relationship with Victor will take them. Victor is not leaving Japan soon. They have time.

Down the street, Victor let Makkachin scent every bush and pole while he sorted out his feelings. The trees were lush, the morning air still fresh. Summer heat won’t kick in for a few more hours.

Victor was used to cuddling Makkachin at night. She was just so soft, cute, and sweet when sleepy, he could not refuse her anything, especially letting her sleep with him in one bed. What he did not expect was unconsciously cuddling Yuuri instead. And how much he would enjoy it. And most of all that Yuuri hugged him back and generally was okay with that.

When Victor woke up he expected Yuuri to shy out. He was afraid the man would retreat into his shell again. But no such thing happened. That was a good sign. Maybe he had a chance this time.

Victor came back to the smell of fried fish and miso, Makkachin trotted ahead, he entered the kitchen and Yuuri greeted him with a soft smile, turning his head from the stove. “Food will be ready in a few minutes, so if you want to take a shower, feel free to do so. Oh, by the way, I have some fresh meat. Is it okay for Makkachin? I don’t know what else to offer.”

“I took some of her food with me last night, so she will be fine. Do you mind her using some of your dishes?”

“Not at all.”

“Great! I’ll take a shower and be right back.”

Yuuri took two bowls, filled one with water, and put them down on the floor. Makkachin came over and sniffed. Yuuri smiled and scratched behind her ears, “Yes, this is for you, girl.”

When he put the dishes with rice and fish on the table he noticed a sketch Victor made last night. It was so cute! And so distinctively Victor. Clean, confident strokes. Each line was meaningful and powerful. Yuuri could recognize his drawing style anywhere.

Victor came back to the kitchen, clad in jeans and a fresh T-shirt. He smelled of Yuuri’s shower gel. 

Yuuri turned his head and quickly ran his eyes over Victor’s body. 

“Like what you see?” Victor murmured.

Yuuri choked.

Soft laughter brightened Victor’s face. His eyes sparkled with mischief.

Yuuri shook his head. “Can I keep it?” he asked, lifting the sketch.

“Sure!”

Makkachin woofed. “Oh, food, right.”

Once breakfast was served for all three of them, Victor brightened the mood by telling some stories and gossip from work. The conversation then turned to movies and TV series they both watched, to the book Victor was reading and thoughts he had about it.

There was a content silence between them for a few moments and finally, Yuuri felt brave enough to breach the topic that worried him.

“You might wonder what happened yesterday, I mean…”

“Yuuri, I am curious, yes, but if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay. You don’t owe me explanations.”

“Thanks” Yuuri sighed. “But I want to. I feel like I need to put it into words.”

“Okay.”

“It all started as a simple thought that spiraled out of control. You know how I get overwhelmed sometimes. This was much more severe. The outside world was causing too much stress. To the point that I couldn’t calm down and my brain shut out all information intake along with the thought process as a way to protect me, I think. All my senses were dull. When you came and brought Makkachin along I felt my walls start shattering. It was bad at first. But then your presence made me realize there are some good, safe things out there. Thank you.”

 “Oh, Yuuri. To be honest, I was afraid of not knowing how to help. But I am glad to hear that I helped in some way. Thanks for telling me that.”

Yuuri smiled. “Wanna some tea?”

“Yeah.”

“Yuuri, may I ask a personal question?” The man nodded, so Victor continued. “Are you seeing somebody?”

Yuuri’s cheeks tinted pink as he averted his gaze. “What? You know there is nobody.”

“Sorry, I meant therapist. Are you seeing a therapist?”

Yuuri bit his lip, hesitating. “No. Do you think I should?”

“I am in no place to give you unwanted advice or recommendation. It’s just… I’ve been there. I had issues I couldn’t overcome by myself, yet I ignored them. One day I could take no more. So I sought help. It took me more than half a year to sort things out. It was so painful and difficult. But I felt immensely better.” He looked Yuuri in the eye. “What I am trying to say is that mental health is as important as a physical one. And we can’t always treat ourselves. It’s also not safe to do it on our own.”

Yuuri mulled this over in his head and finally asked, “It just feels like weakness to give up handling everything on my own.”

“First of all, it’s not. Besides, taking into account the stigma around the topic and also self-esteem issues, it takes a hell of a lot of courage to reach out for help. But if you do so, it means are really brave.”

“Oh… Maybe I should...”

“Yuuri, listen” Victor put his cup aside, ”I said that not to push you, but to let you know that I won’t judge. It’s solely your decision to make and I’ll support you anyway, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks for telling me this”, Yuuri smiled and let out a breath. “You are right. It’s very hard to admit that my inner space, my feelings, my mind require fixing and that I can’t do it on my own. It’s too personal. When I think that I would need to open all of this up to someone… Ugh…”

“I understand. Although it might be easier than you think. I mean, a therapist won’t judge. And you don’t have to be afraid that whatever you admit will change your relationship with them like it is with our significant others.” 

“To be honest, I thought about looking for a specialist for a while”, Yuuri admitted. “But I just delayed getting at it for as long as I could. The thing that happened yesterday showed that I shouldn’t have. I don’t want something like this to happen to me ever again.”

“I see. Me neither. And I am glad we can discuss things like that. It’s not an easy topic to talk about.”

“Why are the most important things are the hardest to get out?” Yuuri mused.

“Because they bring changes, I guess. Or we think they might bring changes, but in fact, they are not. But for me, it’s somehow easier to open up to you.”

That confession stirred something deep in Yuuri’s heart. He trusted Victor like he never trusted anybody. It was hard to say things that will make an impact, but if he were honest with himself, he would admit he wanted those changes. And he was sure it will be for the better. He wanted to tell the truth. He wanted to be understood and accepted. Keeping things to yourself will take you nowhere.

They sipped tea for a while. Makkachin came closer and put her head on Yuuri’s knees.

“Victor?”

“Hmm?”

“I liked sleeping in your arms” Yuuri whispered.

A wave of emotion hit Victor full force. He choked as his throat constricted.

“Me, too, Yuuri. You can’t imagine how much I wanted this.”

Feeling bold, Yuuri reached out and took Victor’s hand.

“And you can’t imagine how long I needed someone like you in my life”, he replied. “I am so happy I got to know you.”

Victor drew a shaky breath, stood up nudging Yuuri to stand too, and pulled him into an embrace.

Makkachin didn’t understand why her humans haven’t invited her to the cuddle party so she invited herself, standing on hind legs and nudging them with her muzzle. 

“Oh, need some attention, too?” Victor cooed and scratched her ears.

Yuuri leaned on Victor’s chest and took a deep breath.

“Yuuri, do you have anything planned for today?” Soft vibrations of Victor’s vocal cords reverberated through his body and made Yuuri’s head spin.

“No.”

“Wonderful! How do you like spending this day together?”

Yuuri lifted his head and looked Victor in the eye. “I would love that. By the way, I promised you ice cream.”

A big smile lit up Victor’s face. “That’s what I was hinting at!”

Yuuri let out a soft laugh. “We could go to the lake, too.”

“And have dinner somewhere in the city center.”

“What about having lunch in the city center but cooking dinner together at home instead?”

“I love the way you think!”

After a long day out, they came back to Yuuri’s place and started cooking. Victor wasn’t much help as he was distracting Yuuri from the tasks at hand by asking silly questions and playing with food. But the biggest distraction was Victor’s hands that roamed Yuuri’s shoulders and back. They enjoyed the process even though it took them much longer than necessary. Makka was trying to help too, but mostly in tasting the food samples.

Once the food was ready and plated, they set at the table and discussed the topics they both enjoyed.

Somewhere in the middle of heated discussion, Yuuri quoted one of his favorite lines, and upon seeing no reaction from Victor he asked, stunned. “You haven’t seen Matrix?”

Victor made a face. “Should I?”

“I would recommend to, it’s classic.”

Victor shrugged, “I haven’t seen lots of classics or mainstream. I’m mostly into weird art stuff nobody knows about, and modern art.”

“I. Need. To. Fix. That.”

“Are you going to fix my tastes and preferences?” Victor’s jaw dropped.

“I am going to educate you so you can recognize my quotes”, Yuuri’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “We will have to set up a movie marathon.”

“That sounds intriguing! I haven’t done that before. Will snacks and cuddles be involved?”

Yuuri stared. “Those are necessities!”

“Then I’m in”, Victor agreed.

Yuuri wasn’t going to judge. He wasn’t going to question Victor’s tastes, but he was glad he could share this with Victor and see his first reaction. 

“Victor. We are going to have so much fun.” He laughed kindly. “I’m going to think of other movies you might enjoy and will make a list and then will make a schedule that will probably take a couple of years to cover.”

“Let’s make a deal!”, Victor beamed, “You make your list and I make mine!”

“Sounds perfect!” Yuuri agreed.

They discussed the movies and shows each hasn’t seen, retelling some parts of the plot to gauge reaction and see if it would interest the other. During the process, they washed the dishes, cleaned the table, and moved to the sitting area. Victor sank into the sofa and turned his head to Yuuri, who sat at the other end. Too far for Victor’s liking, but he assumed Yuuri might need some time to get used to changes going on between them. Makkachin trotted behind and made herself comfortable at their feet. They continued talking for a while. Time flew by so fast. Victor stifled a yawn. He looked at his phone, it was late.

“Oh, I should probably head home soon...”

“Is it selfish of me to not want to let you go?” Yuuri glanced at him and gnawed his bottom lip. “I wish you could stay tonight.”

“I wish that too but we have to go to work tomorrow and I don’t have my suit. Oh, and Makkachin needs to be taken back.”

Yuuri sighed, “I understand.”

“I have an idea!”, Victor sat up straight and looked at Yuuri brightly. “Let’s just go to my place.”

“Really?”

“You can take your things with you, and we will go to work together tomorrow. We will save time this way.”

“Okay! Give me 10 minutes”, Yuuri got to his feet and left the room.

Alone, Victor ran hands through his hair closing his eyes. Such a long day. He was tired but excited to hold Yuuri again.

Soft footsteps, then a voice. “I am ready to go.”

Victor smiled and got up. “Let’s walk Makka first, it won’t take long, and then I’ll call a taxi.” 

The ride was pretty short. They didn’t speak in the car, each deep in their thoughts. The silence was pleasant. They needed some time to recharge, to think over the things that happened today. Street lights flew by.

Once in the flat, Makkachin trotted to the sofa to retrieve her favorite toy and brought it to Yuuri who smiled and played with the dog while Victor opened windows and took Yuuri’s bag to his room.

Yuuri took a glance around. The place was a bit of a mess. Boxes here and there, art supplies, sketches, Japanese souvenirs, snacks, and Makka’s chewing toys.

“Sorry for the mess.” Victor scratched at the back of his head.

“I don’t mind”, Yuuri smiled. “We will go to sleep soon anyway.”

“Yes, right. Umm, let me show you the bathroom.”

Yuuri was the first guest in Victor’s new home so far, so it was a bit strange and awkward having another person in the place, nevertheless, they found their way around pretty soon.

Finally, they were under the covers and Victor dimmed the light in the bedroom. There was a space between them and they hesitated to make the first move.

“Yuuri… things are changing between us. It is still new and we both need to get used to it, but I wanted to let you know that it’s okay. We are okay. If you want something or if you want to do something just ask or do it, alright? Don’t try to guess if I would like it or not, I will tell you if not.”

Yuuri let out a breath. “Thanks, I needed to hear that.”

“Come here.”

Yuuri scooted closer and tried to make himself comfortable on Victor’s shoulder, but he couldn’t find the right position. He chuckled nervously. “I don’t know how this puzzle works. Why the pop culture makes it seem like people should just click together the moment they touch?”

“It’s alright, take your time. Maybe if I move my hand like this it will help?”

Yuuri tried a few more times and finally settled.

“Everyone wants a fairytale”, Victor continued, “Everyone writes a fairytale. Ok, not everyone, but the majority does. So we get the impression that this is how everything should work. We get the standards too high. And we crash when reality doesn’t match our expectations. I learned it the hard way.”

“Oh…” Yuuri sighed and took Victor’s hand in his. “Is this okay?”

“Sure”, Victor smiled.

Yuuri’s fingers tentatively caressed Victor’s palm, tender skin of the inner wrist, the lines in the middle, knuckles…

“I’ve never been so close to anyone. Never had a chance to touch…” Yuuri shared.

“Now you can, Yuuri. I like your touch.”

Yuuri’s soft caresses became more sure, bold, he explored Victor’s hand, every centimeter of skin.

Strangely, it was the most sensual, the most intimate thing Victor experienced with other people so far. Such a simple thing, but still so meaningful… 

Yuuri pressed on the sensitive skin between Victor’s fingers and then squeezed his index finger. 

It reminded Victor of other things lovers can do. He took a sharp inhale. His breath got deeper and heavier. “Ohhh, this feels nice… mmm… I think I’m enjoying it a bit too much.”

“Really?”

“Yeah”

Yuuri then let go of Victor’s hand and touched his blond hair. “So soft…” He mused. “And such a beautiful color, too.”

“Thanks. It’s natural, by the way.”

“Oh, to be honest, I always wondered about that.”

Victor chuckled.

Yuuri’s nails scratched his scalp and that was Victor’s undoing. He moaned and relaxed into the mattress turning into a happy boneless jelly. 

“Oh, you like it!”

“God, Yuuri, yes”, Victor mumbled into the pillow.

“Wow.” All of this was completely new to Yuuri. Moreover, for so many years he yearned for it, but couldn’t have. And now everything changed. He had no idea he could hold such power over the other man. He was stunned. The heart pounded in his chest.

“This is so relaxing, I’m falling asleep”, Victor spoke softly.

“We should sleep then.”

Victor turned off the light, moved closer, nudging Yuuri to change positions, and gently hugged him from behind. It took them a while to get comfortable, but finally, Yuuri melted into the embrace. “Goodnight, Victor.”

“G’night” he heard in reply.

Chapter Text

Sigur Rós - Sæglópur

Victor was scrolling through his Instagram feed while he waited for Yuuri in the cozy cafe. The weather was nice, so he chose a table on the terrace. He finished all errands a bit early and had 15 minutes to spare. 

When the time ran close to the meeting point, he felt a sudden constricting sensation in his chest. Worry and anxiety hit him fast and unexpectedly. Strange. There was nothing that could cause this. Victor took a breath and concentrated on his surroundings to distract himself.

Once he reverted his attention back to the phone in his hand, he noticed that Yuuri had been 10 minutes late which was unusual for the man. Victor opened their chat and dropped him a short message.

A waitress stopped by and asked if he was ready to order. He put on his charming smile and replied that he will wait for his friend.

Victor hated it when people were late for meetings. First of all, this was impolite. Especially if they didn’t send a message informing him that they are running late. But the main reason was that this always made him feel anxious and weak. And he couldn’t understand why, so it just made him angry and frustrated. And when they finally showed up he needed to fight through these emotions to get back to normal. It used to be intense in his early twenties, but he managed to take it under control, so it didn’t bother him that much in the last years. Until today.

No response from Yuuri came. Victor scrolled through the contacts and pressed the dial.

Voicemail.

The digital clock showed 25 minutes past the time they agreed to meet at.

There were probably a hundred reasons why Yuurin didn’t show up yet. A hundred simple, safe, and logical reasons. Victor listed them all to himself in order to calm down. But his anxiety wasn’t buying it.

After calling one more time and being redirected to the voicemail again, he sighed and lifted his gaze to the street.

There was a boy, seven or eight years old, standing alone on the pavement, wide-eyed and scared.

The phone vibrated in his hand. Victor swiped, accepting the call, unable to tear his gaze from the trembling figure he was looking at. 

“Yuuri?”

“Victor, I am so sorry I am late, there was a car accident…”

“What.” Victor interrupted, life and emotion void from his voice. His breath hitched and stopped. 

The world collapsed. The concept of time had shifted and suddenly Victor was back in his seven years old self, standing alone like the boy he has just seen, waiting for Yakov, his uncle, to finish the call that changed his life once and forever.

A soft voice pierced the thick barrier and poured through the speaker. “Victor, are you there? The line is still on. Victor?” Along with it, a female voice called across the street and a young woman showed up running towards the boy, calling his name.

“Where are you?” Victor whispered.

“I’m on my way now, like I said, sorry it took so long, the car accident blocked the traffic at the intersection and I was stuck in the bus, and my phone died so I couldn’t contact you, but this nice lady offered to charge it from her power bank…” Yuuri rambled through the line, hurried and apologetic, “I will be in ten minutes as I need to walk a few blocks. Could you please order me that mango bubble tea? I am thirsty and dying.”  

“Sure.”

“Thanks, see you soon!” Yuuri said and ended the call.

 Victor didn’t move, staring in the void in front of him. So that was the real reason. For Yuuri to be late, for him to be anxious, and especially for hating people being late. This old memory he could never forget. It was the most painful day of his life, yes, but he never associated it with others' tardiness. Today showed such a clear connection, he could not deny it anymore. Everything made sense now. This was not an easy discovery and he needed time to comprehend it. He needed time to process everything he felt at this moment. Pain. Hurt. Despair. He wasn’t ready to meet Yuuri, he was too raw and emotional, but he couldn’t move from his seat.

 “Hi, Victor!” Yuuri beamed as he took a seat across the table. Victor lifted his eyes, taking in Yuuri’s disheveled hair, deep breaths and cheeks tinted pink from quick walk and afternoon heat. He tried to smile in response, but failed at that and averted his gaze. 

“Oh, Victor… I am sorry. Are you mad at me? Can I make it up to you?” 

He could feel Yuuri’s gaze, sympathetic and searching, but he couldn’t meet it, not yet. Victor shook his head and shrugged.

“Are you alright?”, Yuuri sounded confused.

Victor took a deep breath and shook his head again, closing his eyes, unable to take the outside world in.

“Can I help?”

Shrug.

“Do you want to go home?”

Nod.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Stay.” Victor opened his eyes and reached for Yuuri’s hand. “Please.”

“I will”, Yuuri sighed, relieved. “Did you place an order, are we waiting for it?”

“No.”

“Let’s go then,” Yuuri said and stood up.

They walked in silence to Victor’s apartment, keeping their hands interlaced. It was grounding and comforting. Yuuri gave him concerned looks once in a while, but Victor just kept his eyes straight on the road ahead, trying to maintain his composure.

The walk gave him some time to calm down, the home offered safety, and Yuuri comforted him in a way only he was capable of, so when they entered the apartment, Victor felt somewhat better.

Yuuri went straight to the kitchen, as he was familiar with the place, and emptied a glass of water in a few big gulps. Makkachin ran behind, attempting to melt Yuuri’s heart into giving her some snacks. Yuuri then peeked in the living room. “Victor, do you want me to make some tea for you?”

“That would be nice”, he answered and fell on the sofa.

“Here.” Yuuri came into view in a couple of minutes and placed steaming cups on the low table. “It is still hot though.”

Victor reached for Yuuri and the man embraced him in return. They sat in comfortable silence for some time. Yuuri petted Victor’s hair. Apparently, it became his new favorite habit. 

“When I was seven,” Victor began, “my uncle and I were sitting in the cafe, waiting for my parents. They were late. They didn’t show up and then we received a call, informing us that they died in a car accident.”

“Oh my God, Victor, I'm so sorry.”

“I couldn’t understand why I tolerate tardiness so badly. This memory was buried so deep, hidden in layers upon layers of self-defense mechanisms. It’s so clear now that I don’t understand how I could not draw a connection before. Each time I wait for somebody, my heart clenches in the apprehension of something horrid. Each time I partly become that little Victor who lost everything.”

“This might be so painful… I can’t imagine. But I think it’s good you realized it.”

“I’m still that shocked boy,” Victor said. All of this was opening old wounds that didn't heal properly. The pain was unbearable.

“How does that boy feel?” Yuuri inquired softly, caressing his hair.

“Lonely, sad…  abandoned. He doesn’t understand why they left.” Victor choked on a sob. 

Yuuri embraced him more tightly. “What would he like to say?“

“Why did you leave me?” He clenched Yuuri’s shirt in his fists. “Mama, papa, I need you. I miss you. I love you. Why?” Victor now sobbed in earnest, leaning on Yuuri’s shoulder. He then switched to Russian as it was his first language and words just had much more weight and power being spoken in it. “I need you so much… I am so scared, I don't have a ground under my feet anymore… ”

Yuuri started to rock him lightly. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you… Is there anything else?”

“What do I do? Somebody, help me…” Victor wailed, sniffing. Yuuri reached for a napkin and put it into Victor’s hand.

“Is there an older Victor?” Yuuri asked.

A few moments of silence. Intake of breath. “I’m here.”

“Good,” Yuuri said. “What could he reply to the boy?”

“You are lonely and scared, I know.” He sobbed. “I am scared, too. But I’ll be there for you. I will always be there for you. No matter what, you have me. I am here.”

“And how does the boy feel now?” Yuuri asked after a few minutes.

Victor blew his nose and took a few deep breaths. “Better. Grounded.”

“Is there anything else you would like to say or do?” Yuuri asked, petting Victor’s back.

“I would take his hand. I would look him in the eye and say “You will be alright. We will be alright.”

“Would you like to give him something nice? A gift maybe?”

“I would give him his own skates. He always liked to skate on the ice.”

“That’s wonderful.” Yuuri smiled. “Does he like them?”

“Oh, very much so.”

“Are you ready to let him go?” Yuuri was watching Victor carefully, searching for clues.

Victor took a few deep breaths. “Yes.”

“Are you back with me now? What do you see around you?”

“My room. Makka on the carpet. Chewing toy.” Victor’s eyes focused on Yuuri. “I see your face and your deep brown eyes. They are lovely.”

Yuuri felt his cheeks heat up. “Yours are lovely, too. Gorgeous I would add.”

Victor ran a hand through Yuuri’s thick black hair and cupped his cheek. His gaze was raw, but it filled with softness and tenderness.

“We have tea.” Yuuri reminded. “You might need to drink it.”

“Oh, right, I’m thirsty, actually.”

Victor turned to take the cup while Yuuri clapped his knee to call Makka. She perked her ears and jumped on the sofa, wiggling her way between the men. Victor chuckled. “My sweet girl,” he cooed, “You want some belly rubs, yeah?”

Victor found Yuuri's hand and squeezed it. “Thank you. This was something, wow. How did you know what to do?”

“Umm, I was reading on anxiety a lot lately. And I might have stumbled upon some articles about therapy experiences… Gosh, I am glad it helped. I was actually really scared I would mess up.”

“Oh. Thank you, Yuuri. I haven’t felt this grounded for a long time.”

“I am glad.”

Yuuri’s stomach gurgled. Yuuri immediately put his hand on his belly. “Shhhh! Be nice!” 

Victor laughed. “Let’s cook something. It’s almost dinner time.”

"Sounds good!" Yuuri agreed. "Oh, by the way, Victor, there is a skating rink nearby. Would you like to go there sometime?"

Victor's eyes lit up. "Yes! I would love to!"

Chapter Text

Yuuri was always afraid to show his shortcomings, to let other people see his struggles and pain. He thought they would assume he is weak and turn away, look down on him, pity him. He was sure he needed to keep his feeling to himself. Be strong, hide everything inside. That’s what adults do.

But his communication with Victor proved him wrong.

Victor didn’t run away. Quite the opposite. After baring his pain, Yuuri felt their emotional connection grow even stronger.

When Victor shared his past, Yuuri didn’t think of Victor as weak. Being on the other end of the situation opened his eyes to some important things. Yuuri understood what Victor meant by saying vulnerability is beautiful. He could add that vulnerability is also a gift. A gift of trust. A belief that the other person will accept us as we are. His heart soared when he realized how much trust Victor put in him when he let Yuuri see his tears. Yuuri will treasure each one.

Yuuri sighed as his heart filled with warmth. It was overflowing, ready to spill over the edges.

Victor turned his head to the sound. “What are you thinking about?”

“You,” Yuuri chuckled. He removed his glasses, placing them on a bedside table.

They were lying on Victor’s bed, basked in dim light, both on their backs, resting after a long day.

“I assume those are nice thoughts, judging by the look on your face.” Victor adjusted his position, facing Yuuri.

“They are.” Yuuri agreed. “I am happy. I’m so glad we met. That I got to know you.”

Victor’s eyes sparkled. “I feel the same.”

“I want to spend time with you.” Yuuri turned on his side and moved closer to Victor, looking him in the eyes. “I want to make memories with you.” He took Victor’s hand, inching even closer. “I want to get to know you better.” He leaned forward so their foreheads were touching. Victor’s breath quickened at the contact. “I want to experience new things with you.” Yuuri closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I want to kiss you,'' he whispered.

“Yes, Yuuri, yes!” Victor whispered back.

Yuuri closed the distance, placing a soft chaste kiss on Victor’s slightly parted lips. He held the touch for a few seconds, then kissed again. Victor reciprocated, chasing him, pressing firmer. 

Yuuri’s breath hitched, his heart hammering in his chest. He was taking short quick breaths to fulfill his need for air, exhaling around Victor’s lips, not wanting to break the contact.

Victor caressed his cheek softly. He then scratched the nape of Yuuri’s neck lightly, eliciting a barely audible moan from him.

Feeling a tentative lick, Yuuri opened his mouth to let Victor explore him and to do so in return.

So that’s what kissing feels like. Yuuri thought. It was strange but not unpleasantly so. Maybe needs some time to get used to. He liked it nevertheless. A lot.

On some faster and firmer kisses Yuuri felt heat pool below. He acknowledged it but he was far from ready to act on it just yet. 

They were in no hurry. They continued languid motions and savored each sensation and each caress.

After a while, Victor pulled back. “My jaw starts to hurt,” he chuckled, massaging his cheeks. “I got rusty.”

“Seriously?” Yuuri laughed. “I feel fine.”

“Lucky you!” Victor responded. After a few seconds, he grinned wildly. “And lucky me to be kissed so… Auch, auch! Hurts…” 

“Wow. Have you… like… sprained it or something?” 

“I might,” Victor whined. 

“Would you like me to kiss it better?” Yuuri smiled mischievously and witnessed Victor’s face contort between two opposite expressions: pout and laugh. 

Yuuri leaned in. “Relax.” He then ran his hand through Victor’s hair, knowing it calmed him, and kissed Victor's jaw from earlobe to the chin, feeling the evening stubble scratch his lips lightly.

Victor melted under the touch and hummed. “You know, that actually helps…” 

“Good.” Yuuri hugged Victor, leaning on him, relaxing and closing his eyes.

“What you said earlier,” Victor began, “those words were almost like my thoughts a while ago. I want the same things, Yuuri. And I mean it.”

“God, I’m so happy.”

“Me, too.”

Chapter Text

“Yuuri.”

“Hmm?”

“Let's talk about sex.”

“Haa? What about it?”

After a long tiring day, they were lying atop the covers on Victor’s bed, looking at the ceiling until Victor interrupted the comfortable silence with this uncomfortable question.

“I think it’s better to put this in the open right away instead of avoiding the subject and making mistakes. For example, we can discuss what role you prefer? Top, bottom, both? What would you like to try and what grosses you out?”

Victor turned his head and looked at Yuuri.

“But most importantly, do you want it at all?”

Yuuri inhaled sharply.

“Yes. You are so… ugh, when I look at you I just lose my mind. But at the same time, I’m not sure I’m ready for it.”

“Are you wary because you have no experience?”

“That, too.”

Victor patiently waited for the response, but Yuuri was quietly picking at the loose string on the hem of his shirt.

“Yuuri, if you are uncomfortable, we could talk about me first. Or we could just change the topic entirely.”

“Let’s talk about you.”

“Okay. So I like to switch.”

“Really?”

“Yep. And I like blowjobs. Both to give and receive.”

“Ummm. I doubt I’ll be fine with it at first. It kinda grosses me out right now.”

“It’s okay. Takes time to get used to, if you want to, that is. Oh, I like it when somebody pulls my hair gently.”

“Hmmm. I noticed you like it when I play with your hair. I’ll make use of it.” - He smiled mischievously.

“What else? I can’t recall something that I hate. Weird hardcore stuff is probably not my cup of tea, but otherwise, I’m good. Would you like to ask me something specific?”

“Maybe an obvious question, but… Does it feel nice, the first time?”

“Bottoming?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmmm. Depends. First of all, nothing should be pushed inside without proper preparation. Second, this is not the funniest thing to start with. There are tons of other pleasant things that could be done together. Wonderful things, actually.”

Yuuri heaved a sigh.

“I’m not a clueless virgin. But I still assumed that would be it. Sometimes my head is full of garbage.”

“That’s why we are talking about it. We can decide together! The most important things are trust and willingness. Details can be negotiated. It is also crucial to let your partner know what you like and what you don’t.”

“What if I don’t know what I like and what I don’t?”

“We will just try and you will know. We can stop anytime. Literally, any time.”

“That’s exactly what I am afraid of.”

“Afraid of what?”

“That you… I… Oh, shit!” - Yuuri shut his eyes. His breaths were speeding rapidly.

Victor turned to him, called by name. No reaction. He took Yuuri’s cold fingers in his hand and called again. - “Yuuri, please, look at me.” - Yuuri finally turned his head and gazed back. - “Look at me. Look how I breathe. Slowly, inhale. Slow exhale. Again. Again. Good.”

“Thanks.” - Yuuri relaxed and turned his eyes to the ceiling. - “I’m afraid you won’t stop.”

“Oh… I…”

“Victor, I know this is not true. I know you would. I’ve never felt a threat from you. But I can’t get rid of this fear. Most of all, I'm afraid I won't be able to recognize that I'm uncomfortable. That I won't be able to realize that in time. That I will just let it happen despite the discomfort. And I know I will regret it deeply afterward.”

“But why? Has it happened before? With somebody?” - Victor asked carefully.

“I noticed that this is my typical reaction to stressful situations. I freeze, I lose control, I dissociate… that’s why I can’t react in time. It's like I am not even there. I can’t say no. And when I can, it’s already too late. I'm afraid I won't be able to say no and stop whatever is happening. As for the before… I’ve never been taken advantage of if that’s what you asked about.”

“I see. But I still think there must have been something that left the scar. Maybe in some unrelated situation when someone didn’t stop?”

Yuuri contemplated this. He nibbed his lip.

“My sister never stopped even when I begged her. I remember fighting with her when we were kids. She was older and stronger. She used to tickle me. It was physically and mentally unbearable. So intense that I wanted to stop existing just to not bear it a second longer. I couldn't stop her. I tried, I fought, I screamed. Nothing helped, so I dissociated. In the end, she just lost interest.”

“I’m so sorry, that sounds terrible.”

“Since then it has become an unconscious reaction. I just switch into this mode. Over time it transformed. I can smile, I can agree, I may seem involved in the process… but in fact, I’m not even there.”

“Whoa.”

“I get back over time. Usually when I’m left alone. Then the realization hits me full force. But it’s too late. That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“This is some hell of a good reason to be afraid of. Does this happen often?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit. So, your instincts tell you that fighting is useless?”

“Yup.”

“Yuuri, children's behavior is different from adult's. You aren't that kid anymore. You are a strong man. Who would win if it happened right now, you or your sister? What if you knew that you could affect the situation? Take a breath and imagine that you said stop. What do you feel?”

Yuuri took a moment to think. Fighting back, that was such an obvious thing to do, but unimaginable nevertheless. He was never able to do so. Believe it or not. This memory was always painful. He was always helpless. Dissociation was such a go-to reaction that it overshadowed everything else. Suddenly his face brightened up.

“I am a man now. I feel stronger. I feel in control. Like everything is in my hands. Listen… this… this is just whoa. It feels like I’m not a helpless victim anymore.”

Victor felt his lips stretch in a sincere smile.

“I’m not a victim,” - Yuuri started quietly, but his voice grew stronger. - “I’m not a victim! Shit, this feels so good!”

“Sounds wonderful!”

“Oh my gosh, this changes so many things. I’m feeling so much better, you can’t imagine. Though this doesn’t mean my reaction will simply go away. My mind, my body is so used to it.”

“What if in a similar situation you told me not that you are uncomfortable per se, but that you don't know how you feel, that your senses start to numb? You can recognize it, right?”

“Right.”

“I think that this is a red flag in itself. We can start with that and then you will grow more comfortable with recognizing the signs.”

“Gosh, Victor, thank you.”

“I also think that you might feel good being in control. In control of the situation and me. Especially initiating things.”

“Victor, you are so considerate you are making me cry.” - Yuuri swallowed.

“You could tie me up! Would you like to? I have these pink furry handcuffs…”

Yuuri started laughing. He facepalmed and cried, - “Stop this!”

“I’m serious though!”

“Yes, I would like to.”

“Really?”

Yuuri glared at him. Mischief sparkling in his eyes.

“Fffuck!” - Victor breathed and licked his lips. - “Things get more interesting by the minute.”

“No, I’m not thinking about it right now! I’m in the middle of an existential crisis if you haven’t noticed! For god’s sake, I need to digest all this new stuff!”

“Let’s start digesting it with a cup of tea. And a sandwich. Would you like a sandwich?”

“I’m making tea since I’m better at it, and you are making sandwiches.” - Yuuri commanded and got up from the bed.

Where did I put those handcuffs again?.. Victor thought.

Chapter Text

From Victor:
Hey, would you like to meet at the station or already in the restaurant?

Yuuri stared at the message, fingers hovering over the keyboard not able to type in the reply that would disappoint Victor. A few days ago they agreed to explore a new place Victor was so excited about. But Yuuri was feeling shitty and miserable all day, he wasn’t looking forward to the outing this evening. He meant to cancel a few hours ago but couldn’t get the guts up to do it. He was getting guiltier by the minute, feeling even more stressed and now it was half an hour until the workday ended and Victor was expecting an answer… Yuuri chewed the skin on his finger.

To Victor:
Hey… Victor, I’m sorry. I know you’ve been looking forward to today’s evening but I don’t think I’m in the right mood right now. I just don’t feel like going out. Sorry…”

Yuuri hit send. With every passing second, his heart was beating faster and faster. He hated confrontations, he hated disappointing people. He was afraid of the reply he would get.

From Victor:
*String of crying emojis*

Yes, I was really awaiting this all day. But worse than not going is to see you not enjoying it. We will pick another time *muscle emoji*

Would you like to be left alone or you just don’t want to leave the apartment but won’t mind some company?  

A knot in Yuuri’s chest loosened up slightly. Staying home with Victor sounded nice.

To Victor:
I would love your company. 

From Victor:
Great, I’ll come by and bring Makka to cheer you up.

To Victor:
Awww, sure. Text me when you are on your way.

Yuuri sighed in relief. Victor wasn’t mad, thank God. He even found a way to make this shitty day better. Yuuri finished his work and headed home.

A message from Victor came not long after Yuuri got to his apartment and tidied up a bit. He pulled up a food delivery app. He was too drained to cook but he also wanted to treat Victor to something delicious. He placed an order in a nearby restaurant that they used to frequent. Victor always ordered the same dish there, so Yuuri knew what he would like. 

*

Victor knocked on the door.

A few moments later he was greeted by a very tired and sad looking Yuuri. He noticed how a tiny smile grazed the corner of his mouth but quickly disappeared. Once Makka calmed down from her excitement in meeting Yuuri and got some belly rubs, Victor gave him a long warm hug.

“This bad?” - He asked.

Yuuri hummed in response. Victor sighed.

“Here, I brought some snacks.” - Victor lifted a bag.

“Oh, thanks, you didn’t have to.”

“Yuuri, I won’t get tired of repeating that this is Russian tradition and it’s in my blood to bring something when I’m visiting.”

Yuuri peeked inside the bag. - “Oh, these are my favorite! Thank you.”

They exchanged a warm gaze and headed to the living area. 

Once the takeout was eaten, boxes sorted in the trash, and plates were cleaned, they settled on the sofa.

“Would you like to share what is troubling you?”

Yuuri took a deep breath and hung his head. - “I screwed up at work. A few clients are angry now and managers have to sort out the mess.” - Yuuri described the situation in detail, he was clearly upset and uncomfortable and blamed himself a bit too much.

“From what you told me, it seems like those guys were acting like total jerks.” - Victor commented. - “And you did everything you could to salvage the situation.”

“Yes, but I still think it’s my fault.”

Victor gave him a look.

“Okay, okay, partly at least. I feel miserable anyway.”

“I know this will sound like a cliche, but we all make mistakes. Gosh, it’s completely impossible to live a life and not screw up majorly from time to time. It sucks. But mistakes should not define us. Making a mistake doesn’t bring down your worth as a person.”

“I understand this on a mental level. But it doesn’t make me feel better.” 

“I have an idea. Come closer. Yes, like that, lean on my chest.” - Vitor hugged Yuuri tightly, placing one hand on his side and another on his head. He planted a soft kiss on the crown of raven hair. - “I will talk now. Just listen and try to let the words sink in, okay?”

Yuuri made an affirmative sound.

“I’m glad that you exist in this world, Yuuri. I’m glad you were born. I’m glad you evolved into such a wonderful, thoughtful, responsible, kind and sensitive man. You are talented. You are worthy. You are precious. You are important. You are needed. You are loved, more than you know.”

Yuuri heaved a shuddering breath and started shaking.

“You have the right to feel what you feel. You have the right to feel shitty. You have the right to be happy. You have the right to defend yourself and love yourself. You have the right to be, to decide, to choose, to accept, and to decline. You have the right to take care of yourself in the first place. You were born and that means you have all these rights and nobody can take them from you. I want you to be in this world. I accept you. I love you.”

Yuuri was silently crying now. Victor could feel the moisture seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He didn’t mind. He stroked his hair and kissed his temple. Yuuri’s shoulders shook and he snuggled even closer. Once the trembling subsided, Yuuri took a deep breath and quietly said: “I couldn’t even imagine how much I needed to hear this.”

Chapter Text

*The same evening*

Yuuri sniffled and ran the back of his palm under his nose.

“Oh, I hate it!” - He sniffled again. - “The most frustrating thing about crying is that the moisture is running out of everywhere. And being tired and boneless as hell. Yes, that, too.”

“Stay put, I’ll grab a tissue for you.” - Victor carefully disentangled himself from Yuuri, stood up, and went to the kitchen.

“Take the whole pack!” - Yuuri said and melted into the sofa.

“Gotcha!”

Makka decided it was a good time to give him some dog kisses. Yuuri chuckled softly when she tried to lick his face all over. He gently stirred her away from his head and watched her settle down beside him. He ran his fingers through her curls. He enjoyed petting her fur a lot. She was big and warm and comforting.

Victor came back with a tissue-box and a glass of water which Yuuri accepted gratefully. Victor then squeezed himself in a tiny space between the armrest and Makka’s butt and put his hands in her fur, too.

They sat in comfortable silence, their fingers occasionally touching while petting the dog. Once it happened again, Yuuri took Victor’s hand.

“What you said… about love...” - he trailed off.

Victor caught his lip between his teeth and looked at the floor. - “I didn’t intend to say it so soon but...” - He looked at Yuuri. - “I did mean it. That’s how I feel. That's how I’ve been feeling for a while.”

Yuuri then averted his gaze to their linked hands lying atop the steadily breathing Makka. He stroked his thumb against Victor’s knuckles. - “I’m not sure I’m there yet. I need more time to figure it out.” - He chanced a glance at Victor. - “Is it okay?”

Victor gave him a reassuring smile. - “Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”

Yuuri let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.

***

They continued talking about other things and, as usual, didn't notice how the time flew until Victor's phone pinged with notification. While he was checking it, Yuuri grabbed his own phone and realized how late it was. Once Victor finished typing a reply, Yuuri asked. - “Will you stay the night?”

Victor beamed. - “Yes, I’d love to. You know, I’m actually glad we stayed in as I’ve got to cuddle with you. It wouldn’t have been possible to even hold your hand in the restaurant.”

“Yes, no PDA in Japan sucks at times. It was so different in the US, though. What about Russia?”

Victor’s smile dropped. - “It’s not as strict, it’s okay to hold hands and kiss in public, but only for heterosexual couples, though. For others, it might be even dangerous. The younger generation is more accepting compared to the older one, who grew up in the USSR environment, but there are still a lot of jerks. And our government is all fucked up about this matter.”

“Oh, I see. Can I ask if you are out to your friends and family?”

Victor ran a hand through his hair. - “I’m out to my close friends as I trust them and all of them are very nice people.” - Yuuri noticed warmth returning to Victor’s eyes. - “I am very lucky to have them. And they were easy to come out to since some of them are queer and some just don’t care about such things as gender.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“My uncle was a different story, though. He found out accidentally and he wasn’t happy about it. Not in a bad way, mostly concerned about my future and how hard it will be for me. I understand him at some level but his concerns weren’t helpful. We are not very close but we are okay now.”

Yuuri chewed on his lip. - “I’m not out to my parents. I’ve been anxious about it for a while. To be honest, I’m scared.”

Victor considered this. - “Have you or any other member of your family ever brought up this topic before?” - He enquired.

Raising his head to the ceiling, Yuuri tried to remember. - “When I think about it, I can’t recall any negative reactions on this matter.”

“This is not a bad start then.”

“And… You know, there’s been one time - long ago - when Mari, my sister, mentioned her female friend getting into a new relationship. And my mom was like, aww, is he a nice boy? And Mari replied it was a girl. My mom didn’t bat an eye and just repeated the question changing the pronoun. I didn’t pay too much attention to it as I wasn’t questioning my own sexuality back then.”

Makka chose this moment to lift her head, yawn widely, huffing directly into Yuuri’s face a drift of dog’s breath, - the best soft and cute girl she was, he got to love and accept the full package including things like that - and trotted to her water bowl in the kitchen. Yuuri developed a habit of keeping it for her whenever she visited.

Victor’s fond gaze followed her.

“This seems to be a good sign.” - He looked back at Yuuri.

“Yeah. But they are still very traditional people. With access to the internet, but anyway. Also, it’s different when it’s a random person and their own son.” - Yuuri took a breath. - “I just can’t imagine my life if they reject me.”

Victor sat closer and hugged him. - “I don’t know what to say. I hope it’s not the case.”

There was a pause in the conversation as they both took some time to think.

“Maybe it will help to test the waters first. And if you feel you are comfortable, you can tell them.” - Victor said.

“That sounds reasonable.” - Yuuri agreed.

“Have you told Mari? If her friend is queer she most likely will be safe to talk to...”

Yuuri chuckled and facepalmed. - “Oh my God, this is so obvious yet I never considered it. Come to think of it, she probably already suspects something.” - He grabbed his phone and unlocked it on impulse but his hand stilled in hesitation. A lot of things happened this evening. It was too much. Too overwhelming already. - "I will tell her tomorrow. I think I need to steel my nerves and get over it soon or anxiety will eat me. I know it too well."

"Okay. If you need support..." - Victor stifled a yawn. - "Sorry."

Yuuri smiled. - "It's late. Let's drop the topic for a while and rest."

"Okay." - Victor rubbed his eyes and leaned against the backrest. He gazed at Yuuri through his lashes. Gosh, he was so cute when sleepy.

Yuuri leaned for a soft kiss. Just a little moment before they get up and start their night routines.

Chapter Text

A week later they were lounging on Victor’s bed.

One kiss turned into two, two into five, and five into many.

Victor closed his laptop with one hand (whatever was on the screen no longer had any significance) and haphazardly set it aside on a bedside table. A small lamp that gave warm ambient light had almost tumbled over the edge but luckily settled without falling.

Yuuri embraced him tightly, requesting attention and touch. Victor happily complied, reciprocating. He gently caressed Yuuri’s back over the fabric of his shirt. Their lips and tongues continued to move in a slow dance, tasting, enjoying, exploring each other. Yuuri ran a hand over Victor’s cheek and the man turned to nuzzle and kiss tender skin on the inside of his wrist. Taking the opportunity, Yuuri trailed his lips to Victor’s neck giving attention to the sensitive area. Victor hummed in pleasure. Yuuri sought his lips again, pressing firmer and faster.

This was familiar ground. Kissing, cuddling, making out. It never led to something more heated as they usually stopped right before it could. But today something felt different, Victor felt Yuuri’s eagerness, so he responded in kind, getting caught in the moment.

Victor let his hands run under Yuuri’s shirt eliciting a sharp gasp from him.

“You okay?” - He checked.

“Yes,” - Yuuri said breathily, - “just feels intense. Not used to such touch. But good.”

Yuuri’s skin felt divine. Hot, silky tactile pleasure. Victor carefully caressed it in small circles, giving Yuuri time to adjust.

After a moment of hesitant skimming over the bottom hem of Victor’s v-neck, Yuuri allowed himself to roam the expanse of Victor’s back under the fabric. He moaned. Victor gently bit Yuuri’s lip and then traced it with his tongue.

Yuuri’s breath got deeper and heavier. He closed his eyes, getting lost in intense sensations. Among everything else, he felt heat pool below his belly. This was so pleasant, he moaned again.

Victor hummed and dived under Yuuri’s chin to place passionate wet kisses on his throat and side of his neck. Yuuri freed his hands from under Victor’s shirt and placed them on his head instead, threading through soft silver locks and pulling ever so slightly. Victor instantly reacted with a deep moan and a heated kiss on Yuuri’s lips. He then moved one of his hands to Yuuri’s belly.

“Int…! Ohhhnnn… Intense!” - Yuuri gasped. - “Feels good though.” - He added on a breathy exhale. 

“Still okay?”

“Yeah.”

This was going quite beyond the line they usually balanced on. Even under the haze of arousal, Victor was clearly aware of that. He surely remembered Yuuri’s hesitations and wasn’t going to try anything else or push further than petting above the waist. Yuuri was initiating touch and eagerly responding, so Victor just savored the sensations as long as both of them enjoyed them.

Yuuri felt his pants get tighter across his crotch. 

Victor shifted, his elbow slipped on the sheet throwing him slightly off balance. 

Yuuri felt firmness press against his thigh for just a moment. Victor quickly recovered and put some distance between their hips, but it was enough for Yuuri to recognize the state he was in.

Oh.

He is hard. We are both aroused. Yuuri thought. His mind suddenly tuned in. What does this mean? Do we have to act on it? Will Victor? Does he expect it? Should I? I’m not sure. Will this lead to sex now? I wanted sex with him. But I don’t know now. It’s too soon? Am I overwhelmed? Probably. Do I want it? Should I let it happen? I trust him. I know he will take care of me if I let him do it to me. It feels good. But it also feels strange and out of place. If I’m aroused it means I want sex, right? But I don’t. Never ever wanted. Stop, WHAT?! If I’m aroused by him it means I want to have sex with him, right? RIGHT?! 

In a split second, the alarm sirens went off in Yuuri’s brain.

Victor felt Yuuri stiffen. He took a look at Yuuri’s face and found his eyes widened and unfocused. Oh, no. His heart skipped a beat and hammered hard against his ribcage on the next one. Fuck. He swiftly but carefully removed his hands from Yuuri’s torso.

“Yuuri, it’s okay, you are safe.” - He said as calmly as he could. - “Look, nothing is happening, Yuuri, you are safe.”

Yuuri blinked and brought his hands up to cover his face, letting out a soft whine. - “I’m so confused!” 

Victor hovered over him, not sure if he was allowed to touch.

“Yuuri, what do you need right now? Is there anything I can do?”

“Fresh air,” - Yuuri said, scrambling off the bed and bolting from the room. 

He went to the kitchen not bothering to turn on the light and harshly pulled on the window frame, throwing it wide open. Inhaling deeply, he leaned on the windowsill, letting the air flow against his skin. He needed to calm down, so he started taking slow controlled breaths. 

Victor was afraid for a moment that Yuuri would leave the apartment in such a state. But the sound of his steps indicated the opposite. Victor sighed in relief, but it didn’t dissipate his worries. The look on Yuuri’s face scared him so much. Yuuri told him that might happen, but he thought he would be able to prevent it, that he would be careful enough. Shit. Yuuri surely felt him through the jeans. He didn’t have any intentions or expectations, but Yuuri probably thought otherwise and felt pressured. I don’t want him to be scared of me, that’s unbearable.

Hearing the noise, Makka trotted to the kitchen to check. She nuzzled Yuuri’s knee and he reached his hand to pet her for a few moments. He then stared at the sea of lights in front of him.

He liked Victor in a lot of ways. He could spend literal hours just looking at him, the man was so beautiful. Yuuri felt his knees weaken almost every time Victor smiled at him or made eye contact. He liked his personality, his steady presence, his calm and support, his dorkiness and playfulness. He learned to trust him with his feelings and his emotions. He craved his touch, craved closeness, intimacy, craved kisses and cuddles. Victor’s proximity often made his blood boil and go south. That made him believe he wanted to take the next step someday, wanted to have sex with Victor. He just wasn’t ready yet. So simple. Yet… There was a nagging feeling that reminded him of something.

Focus, focus! What does it remind me of?  

Yuuri searched his catalog of memories following the association until his brain supplied a very vivid image of a small boy who stamped his foot and screamed “No!” at the top of his lungs, throwing a tantrum.

I am afraid I’ll be forced. I’m afraid I won’t have a chance to say no. 

But Victor will never do that to me! I KNOW IT!

Why do I feel forced?! I don’t want it, I don’t want it, I don’t want it!

WHAT?! Oh my God. I don’t really want it.

Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise. Sudden relief of understanding flooded through him. 

I don’t want sex. I will never be ready for it simply because I don't want it. There’s nothing to be ready for. All this time I was trying to convince myself otherwise. I can’t make myself ready by forcing myself to want something I don’t.

This thought was so new and so freeing, Yuuri felt a wave of goosebumps erupt on his nape and run down his body. His grip on a windowsill loosened. He started mindlessly tracing imaginary figures with his fingertip on the white surface. Makka yawned and went to check her water bowl.

Have I ever truly wanted it?

Yuuri searched his memory again, recalling as many details as he could. He had crushes before, he had Victor now, but if he was honest with himself, there has never been a desire for sex specifically. All he had ever imagined doing with his partner, Victor included, was sensual stuff. Since they started dating, Yuuri was often aroused by Victor’s touch. That was a very confusing truth. But when Yuuri was alone and his body sought release, his mind never supplied him with images of Victor or doing sexy things with him while he touched himself. Seriously, there’s never been an image of a partner. He might have envisioned other people having sex with each other, but he never included himself in such scenes.

What’s wrong with me?

His feelings told him he felt okay about that, but his mind couldn’t accept it, so it continued to spin and produce questions.

Is it even normal? It doesn’t seem so. Do I have to check with a doctor, with a therapist? Everyone is interested in having sex, right? How can I have a romantic relationship and not want sex?  

His train of thought was interrupted by the soft sound of footsteps, Yuuri turned his head just in time to see Victor appear in a door frame. Even though it was dark with streetlight being the only source of light, Yuuri noticed that Victor’s body language radiated worry and unease. The man lingered at the entrance to the kitchen, unsure if he was allowed to come closer.

Yuuri silently opened his arms for a hug and Victor embraced him in an instant. As soon as Yuuri returned the gesture, he felt Victor’s body relax. He then heard Victor let out a sigh of relief. 

Oh, he might’ve been so worried.

They stood in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

“Yuuri, how do you feel?” - Victor asked, still holding him. 

Yuuri took a breath, - “Better, but still confused as hell.”

Victor’s hold became impossibly more gentle and tender. “I’m here. I’m here for you. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Ummm… Not yet. I’m still trying to figure it out.”

“Okay. Would you like to do something else?”

“Cuddle?”

Victor leaned back and caressed Yuuri’s cheek. He then reached his hand and squeezed. - “Let’s go sit on the sofa.”

When they entered the living room, Victor made a move to turn on the lights, but Yuuri shook his head as he preferred the safety and calmness of the darkness. Victor sank into the cushions, Yuuri hesitated for a moment and then laid down on his side, placing his head on Victor’s knees, facing the room. He felt Victor’s hand on his shoulder and the tension in his muscles melted all of a sudden. 

They sat in silence for a while. Victor’s hand moved to Yuuri’s hair and the man sighed in contentment. 

Taking into account the silence, darkness, and late hour, Victor soon caught himself starting dozing off. It took some effort to lift his eyelids and bring everything into focus.

“Yuuri, would you still like to stay the night?”

Yuuri turned his head to look at Victor. Their eyes met.

“Yes.”

Victor leaned in to kiss Yuuri’s forehead.

Chapter Text

Morning came with a bright light streaming through the crack in heavy curtains. Yuuri blinked his eyes open just to see the sunbeam laying across Victor’s cheek, making the skin glow in its wake. He let his eyes roam. Victor’s plush lips were slightly parted, a barely visible line of dried drool ran towards his chin. The light made prominent the overnight stubble which was usually hard to see due to the fair color. His chest was rising with steady breaths. Messy hair covered Victor’s forehead and eyes. Yuuri reached his hand to tuck the locks behind Victor’s ear.

Yuuri’s heart filled with overflowing warmth. 

His hand moved to Victor's cheek, caressing the skin. 

Victor let out soft noise and then inhaled deeply, waking up. He blinked a few times, silver eyelashes long and shining in the sunlight. His magnificent blue eyes found focus on Yuuri’s and as soon as it happened his whole face lit up with the softest, happiest smile Yuuri saw in his life.

“Morning.” - Yuuri whispered and leaned in for a chaste kiss. He tucked himself into Victor’s side, hugging him, basking in the feeling of Victor’s body against him. Victor’s hands snaked around him and pressed him even closer.

Makka felt the rustle of bedsheets and perked her head up. She woofed softly and made her way up the bed to plant some sloppy dog kisses on her humans.

Victor squealed when her paw ended up on his stomach.

A split second after they were covered in slobber.

***

Bacon sizzled on the pan, Yuuri cracked one egg on top of it. Setting aside the shell he reached for the next one.

Victor went out to walk Makkachin, so Yuuri busied himself with making breakfast. Events of the previous night came back and played in his brain again and again. Morning made everything clearer and the implications made Yuuri’s skin crawl. He didn’t know how to explain his new realizations to Victor, he barely could understand them himself. Nevertheless, he felt he should address at least some of them.

So when Victor came back and they began to eat, Yuuri took the plunge.

“You know, I enjoyed it. What we did last night.” - He started, poking at the egg white with his chopsticks. Victor lifted his gaze, listening intently. - “But then I felt you. Your… you know. We were both aroused and suddenly I didn’t know what would or should happen next. I know I could just ask, but the mere thought of sex happening made me so distressed I freaked out.” - Yuuri couldn’t tear his eyes from his plate. He fished a piece of bacon and stuffed it in his mouth. With his peripheral Vision he noticed Victor put his chopsticks aside and reach his right hand to hold Yuuri’s left. Yuuri looked at it, closed his eyes on exhale, and then lifted his eyes to meet Victor’s.

“I didn't expect anything to happen.” - Victor said reassuringly, his eyes warm. - “I remember what you said to me and I know we are moving slow here. If it makes you feel better, let’s just assume that whatever we do will not lead to sex until we explicitly agree otherwise, okay?”

“Even if we both get hard?”

“Yep.” - Victor nodded matter-of-factly.

Yuuri let out a breath. It felt like a ten ton brick was lifted off his shoulders. God, it was so freeing to know that there were no expectations. That the thing he feared wouldn’t just suddenly happen when he least expects it. That he didn’t have to be vigilant for signs of it starting to happen. That his actions will not be misinterpreted because in this world almost anything could be misinterpreted as a sexual advance. That he didn’t have to interpret Victor’s actions either. It was so great to know all of that.

“Victor, I didn’t even know how much I needed this.”

“I’m glad it helped.” - He smiled.

Yuuri took a few deep breaths, letting his emotions settle in. - “Thank you,” - he said with all his heart. - “I… I… You made me feel so safe.” - He scrambled to his feet and tugged Victor into a tight embrace.

***

They had plans for this day, but Yuuri felt so overwhelmed he knew he needed some me-time to process everything. So he left Victor and went home in the early afternoon. 

He opened his laptop and dived right in.

Okay, Google, what if I don’t want to have sex? He opted to search in English since he anticipated more reliable results in it.

The first two articles were about typical problems in married life. Yuuri skimmed them but nothing felt even remotely close.

The third one, though… Asexuality? What is it? Is this even, like, a thing?

Yuuri clicked to learn more. There was something about not experiencing sexual attraction, but it didn’t give him much insight. What’s attraction anyway?   Click. What?! There are so many… So it’s not just one thing? Oh my God, this… this changes so much. Why has he never stumbled upon this information before? It was life-changing. He always thought everything came in one bundle. Surely, he felt the nuances, but he never voiced them and he had no idea it was common knowledge. He read the list and he could instantly identify and relate to all of them. He felt all of them towards Victor. Except one. I don’t understand what it even means.

The fact that shook him most was that sensual and sexual attractions were totally different things. They usually appeared together, true. But they were different in nature. Yuuri took a moment to just breathe, processing the revelation. Society, culture, art just mix them all together, not giving a heck. No wonder it creates so much confusion and so many misunderstandings. Once you get into details everything becomes so much more clear. Especially for those who question themselves. 

Wanting to kiss and touch doesn’t mean wanting to have a sexual relationship. What he experienced all his life was a sensual attraction.

Another mind-blowing fact was that sexual orientation and romantic orientation were different things, too.

Yuuri was drowning in the new information. He lost track of time, consuming one article after another. He stumbled upon the AVEN forum and read everything that caught his eye. So many people described similar experiences. So many people he could relate to. The sun had been long gone when Yuuri was hit with the next wave of internal questions.

Okay, but I get aroused and I find pleasure in touching myself. Am I really ace? I don’t understand. Please, there should be something.

After some additional searching, he found a list of What If’s that answered everything.

Yes, you can get aroused, yes, you can masturbate, yes, you can enjoy porn, yes, you can be in a romantic relationship, yes, you can fall in love, yes, you can even have sex if you want to for any reason and still be asexual.

Yes, it is possible to be aroused by your partner but not experience sexual attraction towards them.

Relief washed over him. Everything in this new identity fit and everything made sense now. When he was thinking about it his lips spread in an involuntary smile. 

But the thoughts of sex still made him very uncomfortable. He wasn’t sex-repulsed, he was certain. But something troubled him, some puzzle piece was still missing.

Yuuri’s stomach growled loudly and demandingly. He went to the fridge, stuffed his mouth with sausage and a piece of bread, and came back to his laptop.

He continued reading whatever he could find until he stumbled upon an article about consent where the author clearly described what it is and what it isn’t. They also mentioned something called freeze response and Yuuri identified himself in that. He was freezing a lot. Starting from that very first time so many years ago. And then there were mentioned sex assault survivors who reacted that way and how important it was to understand that it wasn’t their fault. 

”Sexual assault involves an extreme loss of power and control.”

Yuuri covered his mouth with his hands, trying to process the shock.

He had never been assaulted. But he KNEW how that felt. He KNEW what it was like to lose control over his body and not be able to fight the attacker. He was a kid when it happened.

OH MY GOD.

At this point, Yuuri was shaking. 

He got up and started pacing his flat. He was deeply stressed.

Yuuri took his phone and opened the contact of his friend Phichit. It was way past midnight, but a green dot on his profile indicated he was still online.

To Phichit:
Hey, can I call you? Please?

The phone almost instantly vibrated with an incoming call.

“I’m here. Yuuri, what’s wrong?” 

Yuuri was so glad to hear his voice.

“Phichit, I’m freaking out. Please, distract me with whatever.”

“Sure. But first, Yuuri, breathe. Breathe with me.”

God bless this man. Phichit became his best friend while they were studying at Uni. Over the years they got to know each other and among other things they learned how to help each other and how to deal with stuff like this.

Yuuri took his breath under control and once Phichit made sure Yuuri was safe and at home, started telling him the latest news and rumors. He animatedly described a few shows he was watching and Yuuri had to warn him not to let spoilers slip. They chatted for an hour and Yuuri felt like he was calm enough to tell Phichit what happened. Without going into many details he recounted the events of the past two days, including his latest findings.

“Holy shit.” 

“Yeah, I know.” - Yuuri sighed.

“This is serious. Especially the assault thing. I have no idea how to deal with that kind of stuff.” - Phichit said, his voice serious. - “Have you contacted the therapist you found?”

“Not yet,” - Yuuri played with the loose string on his jeans. - “But I will do first thing tomorrow. It’s very late here and with all this stress I doubt I’ll be able to fall asleep, that means I will be useless at work tomorrow so I will call in sick and will have time to contact him.”

“Okay, that sounds like a plan!”

“Thank you, Phichit.”

“I’m always here for you, Yuuri. If you need support tomorrow just drop me a line, ok?”

“You are the best.”

“And I know it!”

They both laughed at that and then said their goodbyes. 

Yuuri set the alarm for his call at work and got into bed. He laid awake for a long time until a soft morning rustle lulled him to sleep.

Chapter Text

Still, I'm pinned under the weight
Of what I believed would keep me safe
So show me where my armor ends
Show me where my skin begins

Sleeping at Last - Pluto

Yuuri dragged himself out of bed somewhere around noon. Groggy and still tired, he went straight to his laptop and drafted an email to doctor Ito, introducing himself and asking about the time for an appointment. He mentioned that he is free today and added his work schedule just in case.

He hit send and bit the skin of his index finger. His heart rate spiked and Yuuri needed a few minutes to get it under control. While he stared out of the window, the operating system flashed a notification.

Response? So fast?

Apparently, the man had an assistant who managed his schedule while he was busy. They said the earliest free slot that aligned with his work hours would be on Thursday and Yuuri sagged with disappointment. That’s too long, he will go crazy during the wait. But he had no other choice so he agreed.

It took him quite some time to find a specialist who openly stated his support of the LGBT community. Which cost the man unsubscribes and hate messages. But he stood his ground and Yuuri respected him for that. 

Groaning, Yuuri stood up and headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth, take a shower, and change.

Only after that he picked up his phone and went through the notifications. He immediately opened the ones from Victor to find good morning wishes, a photo of Makka (at which Yuuri smiled) and, a few hours later, a concerned message once Victor found out Yuuri wasn’t in today. Yuuri pressed the reply button.

To Victor:
I’m alright. I mean I’m not actually sick. I just haven’t had enough sleep last night and that usually makes me useless at work so I had to take a day off.

From Victor:
Oh, I see. How do you feel now?

To Victor:
Stressed. I think I’m in the middle of an identity crisis on top of unhealed childhood trauma.

From Victor:
God, Yuuri, do you need support? Can I do anything to help? We can talk.

To Victor:
No, it’s okay. Thank you though. I scheduled an appointment with a therapist, so it will be alright.

From Victor:
That’s great! I think it was the right thing to do. But I’m here if you need to talk, okay?

To Victor:
Okay ;) I better start cleaning my apartment or I’ll get nuts otherwise. Need to get this anxious energy out of my system.

From Victor:
Whatever works!

Yuuri was just about to retrieve a broom when his phone went off with an incoming call from an unknown number. Yuuri frowned but accepted. 

“Katsuki-san?”

“That’s me.”

“This is doctor Ito. There is an opening in my schedule in three hours as one of my clients just canceled an appointment. Apologies for the short notice, but maybe you would like to come if you are still free today?”

“Yes! That works, thank you.”

“Great! See you soon then.”

Soon. Yuuri’s hand that was clutching his phone went slack along his body. His eyes widened as his heart decided to crush its cage. Too soon! Waiting might have been frustrating, but understanding that the session is going to happen in a few hours made his brain pump his veins with adrenaline.

Yuuri fervently dusted the floor, bookshelves, and all open surfaces. He scrubbed clean the stove, bathtub, and sink, cleaned the mirror in the bathroom from water splashes, and sorted the laundry. Usually, such work calmed him as he could let out all this pent-up energy and stress hormones. But it wasn’t helping much this time.

He chewed his lips nervously and pulled up his chat with Victor to drop him a message.

To Victor:
Are you busy? Can I call?

From Victor:
I have only 10 minutes but I’m available. Give me a sec to get to the conference room.

Incoming call.

“Yuuri, what is it? How are you?” - Victor’s voice sounded concerned. 

“Victor, my appointment is in an hour and I’m… I’m scared.” 

“That’s okay to be scared, Yuuri. It IS scary.” - Victor said softly.

“Ugh.” - Yuuri took a deep breath. - “I’m worried about how it will go. I’m afraid to open up. This memory, it’s so painful, it’s hard for me to even think about it. I have no idea how to talk about it.”

“I hear you. I’m sure you’ll figure it out and your therapist will help you with that. You are not alone. And if you are uncomfortable with them, you don’t have to say anything at all.”

“You are right.” - Yuuri ran a hand through his hair. - “He should know what to do. God, I hope the session goes well. I want to get better.”

“I believe you will. You are so brave.”

“What?! I’m losing my shit here over a conversation and a memory. How is it brave?” - Yuuri huffed, feeling miserable.

“Being scared but doing it anyway is brave.” - Victor’s calm, reassuring voice came over the speaker. - “Reaching for help is brave. Setting a goal to get better is brave.”

Yuuri closed his eyes and took a breath, letting the words sink in.

“Thank you for telling me this.”

“Taking into account the circumstances, you are doing wonderfully, Yuuri.”

“Thank you. I…” - Yuuri glanced at the clock. - “I should let you go and get ready to head out. I’m glad I called you.”

“Me too, Yuuri. Just know you’ve got it, okay?”

“Okay.”

***

Yuuri knocked on the wooden door and heard a friendly ‘Come in!’, so he pushed the door open and stepped into doctor Ito’s office. He lingered on a threshold for a moment as he wasn’t quite expecting to see what greeted him inside.

There was a huge window that took up almost all the wall and let in a lot of sunlight. Right near the window stood a few chairs. The opposite wall was occupied by bookshelves and a tea table. The floor was carpeted and looked very soft, a few colorful sitting pillows scattered here and there. Yuuri took the shoes off, placed them on the shoe rack near the entrance, and stepped into the room barefoot. 

Doctor Ito, a short, friendly-looking man in his mid-forties, stood up from the tea table and turned to greet Yuuri. 

“Good afternoon, Katsuki-san! Nice to meet you! Would you like some tea?” - His smile was little but very warm and sincere, reaching his eyes. The man looked calm and open, his movements free and easy. 

Yuuri relaxed a little.

“Nice to meet you too, doctor Ito. Yes, please.”

“Great. You can call me Ito-san, it's fine too. Please take your time to familiarize yourself with the place. Feel free to take a seat once you are comfortable and ready. You can take a chair or a pillow, whatever you prefer.” - Doctor Ito replied and busied himself with the tea-set while Yuuri crossed the room to take a look out of the window and feel the space around him. It was nice and cozy here. He hesitated near a chair but decided to sit on the floor as it felt more stable and supportive. 

Ito-san came over with a tray. Placing it on the floor, he sat near Yuuri, keeping a respectful distance between them.

Yuuri reached for his cup. 

“Let’s get over some details before we begin." - Ito-san started. - "I specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, this approach helps to identify negative patterns and change the way a person thinks and behaves. I also use body-oriented psychotherapy when it might benefit my clients. I have 20 years of experience, undergo individual supervision and therapy. As for the session, the duration is usually 50 minutes but if I see that your state requires more time I might extend it to make sure you are in the right headspace to leave this room.” - He lifted a notebook. - “I’ll be taking notes during our conversation, they are needed to record something I consider important for your treatment. You can share as much information as you are okay with. It takes time to build a safe connection, so it’s understandable if something just won’t come out naturally for a while. There is water and napkins if you need them, the bathroom is down the corridor to your right.”

“Okay.”

“Would you like to tell me a bit about yourself?”

“Umm, yeah. Katsuki Yuuri. I’m 26, I work in a big design agency. I grew up in a small city, studied in the US, then came back to Japan and moved here.” - Yuuri gave a brief introduction. Ito-san’s face was very alive and easy to read, reactions unhidden, his lips parted slightly as he listened intently and absorbed every detail. It was a bit childish but so sincere. Yuuri realized he was really comfortable here and the man seemed to be very easy to open up to. With a bit of surprise, he realized he felt safe already. - “I live alone but I have a boyfriend, Victor. We’ve been dating for a couple of months now.”

“I see.” - Ito-san simply nodded and continued to look at Yuuri with interest. - “What brings you here? And what would you like to achieve with our session?”

“Ugh, I’ve been very stressed these couple of days as I realized a few new things about myself. I understand that it’s quite serious and that I’m not able to deal with this alone. I need professional help. I don’t want my past to screw up my future. I want to leave it behind and heal.”

“That sounds like something we can surely work towards.” - Ito-san smiled. - “Would you like to tell more? What were those things?”

Yuuri poked the carpet with his finger, focusing all his attention on a single thread.

“Yesterday I stumbled upon the term ‘asexuality’. Have you heard of it?” - Yuuri chanced a glance up, Ito-san nodded. Relieved he didn’t have to explain something he doesn't quite fully understand yet, Yuuri lowered his head and continued. - “I don’t know if I can or should identify with it, but I’ve been reading other people’s stories and there is so much I can relate to. Some of them were like ‘hey, that’s me, too!’ or ‘God, I know this feeling’. The more I read the more I felt like puzzle pieces inside me were finally coming together and forming a clear picture.

“For example, I didn’t know sensual and sexual attractions were different things. When I learned that I was literally freaking out. I mean, nobody talks about it. Nobody explains it. This knowledge is absent in pop culture, so how should you know? For most people, I believe, it doesn’t really make a difference, but for me it was eye-opening.

“I’ve always been looking for a romantic, sensual connection and, as I realize now, I’ve never been truly interested in sexual things. Never had an urge or interest to explore them even in books or movies. Let alone have hands-on experience. I started reading up on this only a few years ago. And I still felt disconnected. I mean, I like erotica now and find it pleasing, especially if there are a lot of emotions and feelings included. But I’ve never seen myself as a participant.”

Yuuri took a sip of his tea.

“When I think about sensual things I feel great. I want to build trust, respect, and a deep bond. But sex… It makes me anxious.”

“Anxious?” - Ito-san tilted his head. - “What do you feel thinking about it?”

Yuuri hesitated, his heart rate sped up.

“I… I feel scared.”

“Can we explore this?”

“Yeah, that’s actually the second thing I realized. While I was reading about asexuality I’ve also stumbled upon an article about consent, it was stated that it’s impossible to get consent from the person who experiences freeze stress response as in this moment the person can’t react properly. It’s impossible to control this reaction as it’s automatic. The victims need to understand that it’s not their fault that they lost control of their bodies due to this. Their brain tried to protect them as best it could at the moment.”

“That’s absolutely true.” - Ito-san confirmed.

“I know I freeze a lot. This is one of my basic, most common reactions in stressful situations. But I think it's the most prominent in situations related to physical intimacy. I thought I wanted this with Victor, but when we got close two days ago I freaked out. I’ve never been taken advantage of. But when I read the line about the utter loss of control over your body when somebody does something to you and disconnection I realized I know exactly how it feels.” - Yuuri took a shaky breath. - “A while ago Victor helped me draw a connection between freezing and one of my memories. I was five or so, my sister was twice older and stronger. We were playing, fighting, fooling around. Doing siblings things. One day we were playing and she started to tickle me. I hate tickling. She is bigger and stronger and I can’t stand the tickling, I can’t bear it. And I can’t… get out. So the only thing I have left is to pretend I’m not even there. Like… like I don’t belong in my body.”

“This sounds like a dissociation. Which is an indication of intense stress. It should’ve been very, very strong to cause such a response.” - Ito-san added, sounding sympathetic. 

“Mhm. Even the memory causes a lot of pain. I think it strongly affects my life, specifically my ability to say no and fight. I freeze the same way I did then.”

“For your brain, it’s still a go-to pattern. Your mind did everything it could at the moment to save you. But your life changed and everything is different now. It is very important to re-write this pattern. But you can re-write it only by experience. You have a partner now so I think you can do it together.”

“Victor actually brought this up and suggested to help me feel more in control.”

“That’s great! You can start with the simple touch you are most comfortable with, hug while it feels good, explore a variety of physical contact, step by step, just remember that nobody is forcing you, you can stop it at any moment. Only comfortable things. Only this way you can move forward. Your brain needs confirmation that everything is okay, everything is consensual, you have control over the situation. From your words, I get an impression that your partner is very considerate and he cares about your comfort.” 

“He is,” - Thinking of Victor brought an involuntary smile to Yuuri's face. - “He is so understanding and supportive, it makes my heart swell with emotion.”

“Wonderful.” - Ito-san returned the smile and took a sip from his cup.

“He also helped me realize that I’m not a helpless victim anymore. I imagined a situation where I CAN say no, where I SAY it. I imagined taking back the control. I feel so much stronger thanks to this thought.”

“Yes, it’s a strong inner anchor. As in ‘I can rely on myself, my opinion is valid and is taken into account.”

“Yes, it helps to shift the point of view when I get into this spiral again. But it’s not enough to make the spiral end. I can’t make it stop.” - Yuuri wriggled his hands frantically, voice shaky. - “I can’t get over it and move on. Something is missing and I can’t find it on my own. It hurts, I want it to stop, I don’t know how…”

“Katsuki-san,” - Ito-san interrupted carefully, stopping Yuuri’s monologue. - “What part of this memory is the most painful?”

“That I can’t stop it and I can’t bear it a second longer.”

“What exactly you can’t stop?”

“The tickling, the feeling of being helpless.”

“What would you like to do?”

Yuuri took a moment to respond. - “Ugh, to escape.”

“Would you like to come back there, right at that moment, and change the situation?”

“Hmm, I guess?”

“I can suggest a technique that will allow us to do so. Would you like to try?”

“Yes.” - Yuuri didn’t know how this could be done exactly but he trusted Ito-san to know what he was doing.

“Let me explain it so you know what to expect.” - Yuuri sighed in relief as Ito-san continued in a soft calm voice. - “First, I’ll ask you to close your eyes and imagine a safe place, somewhere you feel secure and content. Then we will dive into your memory. If it feels too painful or too scary, you can always step back to the safe place until you feel like you are ready to proceed. We will see what your subconscious will supply you with, what details it will bring to the surface, we will then take a close look and see what and how you can do differently so you have a new experience. Once this is done, we will come back to the safe place and then to this room. Does this sound okay?”

“Yes, I want to try.”

“Good, please relax as best as you can and close your eyes.”

Yuuri shifted, getting more comfortable and letting his weight sink into the floor.

“When you think of a calm, safe place, what do you imagine?” - Ito-san inquired in a soft, placid voice.

Yuuri’s inner vision supplied him with an image of Hasetsu beach, deserted and peaceful. He told Ito-san about it.

“Good. What kind of weather is there?” - His voice was void of emotion, intonation flat, almost detached. It helped to concentrate all attention on the image. 

“Cloudy, windy.” - Yuuri supplied.

“What season of the year?”

“Early spring, I think. It’s chilly but not cold.”

“Let’s look around, maybe you will notice some other details. Feel the fresh air, take a deep breath.”

Yuuri inhaled, actually feeling the ghost of the salty breeze on his skin. He saw low clouds and gentle waves under his eyelids.

“With every breath absorb this nice feeling of calmness and relaxation. And when you feel fulfilled and ready to proceed, let me know.”

Yuuri just breathed for a while, letting his mind drift. He hummed, giving the sign to continue.

“We will now rise into the sky and look at the beach from a bird’s eye view. We move further across the land and descend into another place and time. There are two kids, a small boy, and an older girl. Where are they? What do they do?”

“They… They are in a room, on a tatami mat. It’s evening. I’m there with my sister. I don’t remember many details.”

“Let’s view this scene from an outside perspective, like a movie. It doesn’t have to be an exact memory. Just let the situation unfold naturally, your subconscious will supply you with all necessary information.”

“Okay.”

“So, there are two kids in a room. What is happening?”

“There is a boy and his older sister tickles him.”

“How does he feel?”

Yuuri took a long moment to respond as he recalled the details and tried to focus on them.

“Hmm, he is having fun as this is a game and harmless banter but…”

“Is it still fun?”

“Umm, I’m trying to understand.” - Yuuri imagined it quite vividly, but the only impression he got was the normality of the situation. He was very surprised. How come this could look so ordinary and neutral? - “So far nothing is threatening. It looks fine from the outside. Just a game.”

“When you look at the boy you can’t tell that there is something wrong, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Just laughter and joy.”

“Right.”

“How can we understand that something is off? Maybe there is some sign?”

Yuuri didn’t respond for a long time, he was looking, searching, but couldn’t grasp it.

“I can’t find anything.”

“Okay, let’s make a freeze-frame and focus on the boy. What do we see?”

Yuuri took a deep breath. - “He is pinned to the floor… he is trying to fight back, but he can’t escape.”

“Can we tell what he feels at this moment?”

“I don’t think we could understand what he feels while looking from the outside.”

“On a freeze-frame, we already see that something is wrong. He is pinned, right? There is no joy anymore?”

“Mhm.”

“How does the situation look for him?”

“I guess… He thinks he has been defeated. He lost the fight.”

“What does he feel?”

“Defeat.”

“What would he like to do?”

“Leave the situation entirely.”

“Let’s press ‘play’ so the boy could leave.”

Yuuri let the situation unfold. His sister froze, all the world froze and time went still. Yuuri - the boy - was the only one who could move. He crawled from under his sister and slowly left the room and then ran outside. Once Yuuri was ready, he said that out loud.

“When the boy left the room, how did he feel?”

“I think he felt calm. I don’t know.”

“What if his sister didn’t freeze? What would he do?”

This was hard. This was so hard. - “He would scream and struggle. But he can’t, he is stoned, he loses connection with his body. But he wants to be able to scream and fight.”

“Can we press play and let the situation continue?”

Yuuri felt his throat constrict and fill with cotton. The situation looked normal from the outside, but from the inside, it felt terrifying. When he dived into these feelings he immediately felt he was drowning. This was unbearable. He wanted to leave his body if that meant he could escape this intense terror.

“You ready?” - Ito-sun prompted with the same steady, calm voice.

“Mhm.” - Yuuri’s lips trembled, his eyelids felt hot.

“What does the boy do?”

All the pain contained in this memory rushed to the forefront like a wave and crushed him. Hot fat tears filled his eyes and Yuuri shuddered with a sob. - “He screams.”

“You can scream. Right now, if you need to, you can scream.”

“He begs, he wants his sister to let him go.”

“What does he say?”

“I don’t want this!” - Yuuri cried loudly and sobbed, clutching his hands to his stomach and doubling in half. - “I want this to stop! Stop! Never do this again! Stop!!!” - Yuuri screamed, tears running down his cheeks, jaw, and lips trembling. - “I don’t like it! It’s not funny anymore!” - He sobbed. - “I want to leave!.. Take your hands away from me! Don’t touch me!” - He wailed. - “I don’t want this.” - Yuuri took a shuddering breath and sniffled. - “I want to be heard.” 

“Does she hear him?”

A wave of fresh tears spilled down Yuuri’s eyelashes. - “She does.”

“What does she do?”

“She lets him go.” - An image of Mari, eyes wide and concerned flashed before Yuuri’s eyes.

“What happens next?”

Yuuri took a few deep, calming breaths.

“She lets go, she backs away, looking apologetic and then I stand up.”

“How does the boy feel?”

“He feels… better. He feels heard. He feels his words have power and he can use them.”

“Does he need something else?”

Yuuri took a long moment to assess his state, his heart rate and breathing were still shaky but ready to even out.

“He needs to turn to his sister and say: Please, I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I’m here and I’m hurt. I’m here. And she replies: I hear you, Yuuri. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to harm you.” - His eyes filled with tears again, but the emotion was different, freeing. - “She says: I didn’t want to harm you. If only I knew I would stop. Yuuri, my little bro, I’m sorry. And then she embraces him and kisses him on the forehead. He leans on her and he forgives her.”

“Great.” - Ito-san waited a few moments and then asked, - “can we come back to the beach?”

“Yes.”

“Good. What do you see there?”

Yuuri sniffed, calming down. - “There is the sun. Seagulls above, some people in a distance. The air is fresh.”

“Wow, even other people are there!” - Ito-san changed his intonation for the first time since the exercise began, letting in an emotional tint. - “What would you like to do there?”

“Just be… Breathe. Look.” - Yuuri felt calmness embrace him once again.

“That’s great. Let your eyes roam, taking in the details, let the air fill your lungs. Look at the sky. One more breath. Let’s come back.”

Yuuri opened his eyes, blinking a few times before looking up. Ito-san’s face greeted him with a gentle smile. The man reached for the tissue box and offered it to Yuuri. He accepted gratefully and wiped his face as it was all covered in moisture. 

“I have the talent to make people cry.” - Ito-san joked and Yuuri chuckled in response. - “How do you feel now?”

“Haaa, good!” - Yuuri replied. - “Much better now.”

“Great, this was our goal. So, we found inner peace and the source of energy, then we dived into experience, then we looked at it from different angles. Your mind tried to avoid confrontation by freezing the picture, but it wasn’t enough to re-write the memory. We shifted the focus. Since our brain perceives imagination and reality as the same thing, we re-played the emotional experience and re-wrote it. Does it feel different now?”

Yuuri took a moment to assess his feelings and he could tell that indeed, everything was different now. Something big shifted inside him. - “Yes!”

“It was really important to let your younger self go through this situation differently and gain new experience. You can apply this new knowledge to other situations that happened with you in the past to secure it. You could recall moments when you were doing something you didn’t want when you agreed to something you didn’t want to agree with. Imagine action, imagine saying no.”

Yuuri hummed in acknowledgment.

“Five years old is a very sensitive age when we form our long-term patterns. Later we just repeat them again and again, making them concrete.” - Ito-san took a deep breath. - “Wow, it was intense even for me as I felt it with you. You did amazing! It was so hard but you did it.”

“Thank you.” - Yuuri smiled, he felt kind of high with relief and new strength.

“Especially for the very first session. That was such a huge step. I can add that you can come back into this experience, reliving it more times. It will help you see new details and nuances and heal. Whether alone, with your partner, or in this room. Whenever you feel like it. But the more you come back, the better effect will be. You can write a story about it by attaching it to the present moment. It can go along the lines: I was very scared and I thought I couldn’t fight but I could and I fought, I thought it would be better to freeze and not to be there but I actually just could say something or let myself cry to let my sister know that I genuinely didn’t like it and she would back off.”

The last sentence hit very close to home as Yuuri never looked at it from this perspective before. He now realized the importance of making other people know how he felt. Maybe they didn’t mean any harm but they didn’t know they caused it because he didn’t tell them. And they could feel bad for hurting him. It was self-care in the first place but it was caring for others too. By letting other people know how you feel you take care of their well-being too. Because they need to understand.

“Y-y-yes!..” - Yuuri stammered as understanding dawned on him. 

“I think it was a very successful session.” - Ito-san clasped his hands together and smiled. - “We even have a few minutes left. How do you feel? Do you need anything else?”

“Agree. Oh, that was a lot. I feel good. Overwhelmed but in a good way. Empowered. Thank you so much!”

“Wonderful! Let’s finish then.” - Ito-san stood up. - “Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or need advice, okay?”

“Sure! Thanks again.” - Yuuri bowed and headed to the door.

“Have a wonderful day.”

“You too, goodbye!” 

Yuuri went to the bathroom to wash his face. He was full of energy. He wanted to run, to scream, to laugh. He felt great and he wanted, he needed to let it out. He went outside and walked the streets aimlessly, covering the distance, his steps fast. Letting the city landscape flow past him. His mind was in sync, running a hundred miles per hour. But it felt amazing as a huge puzzle piece that was always stuck at the wrong angle finally came into place.

It was getting dark when Yuuri felt calm again. He retrieved his phone and dialed Victor.

“Yuuri! How are you? How did it go?”

“It was something else!”

Chapter Text

Recent revelations turned Yuuri’s world upside down. He needed time to process everything. During the days he focused on work, letting it distract him. In the evenings he took long walks to sort through his thoughts and clear his head.

After the therapy session, Yuuri felt immensely better. He understood the reason for his fear, he found a way out. He uncovered his trauma and started the healing process. And most importantly, he realized that trauma wasn’t the reason behind his lack of sexual attraction.

He had mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, it brought him inner peace since he finally knew he wasn’t broken or something. On the other hand, there was Victor. Yuuri had to tell him and that made him anxious.

During the week they exchanged casual messages and had lunch together, but in order to address his feelings, Yuuri needed a more private setting and more time. So he waited until Friday night and invited Victor for a walk in the park after work. They grabbed takeout in a nearby place and found a bench in a secluded place where they could eat and talk in peace. The food was delicious and the conversation flowed effortlessly as usual. Yuuri was nervous, but Victor’s presence always - somehow - made him feel at ease. 

“Victor, are you listening?” - Yuuri didn’t get a reaction from Victor to his last sentence, so he lifted his eyes to Victor’s face. He did so just in time to notice his star-struck expression morph into an apologetic smile.

“No, I’m… I’m actually admiring the view. The light falls on your face just so…”

Yuuri chuckled.

“Hold this expression!” - Victor exclaimed and reached for his bag to retrieve a sketchbook and a few liners. 

Yuuri sat still, watching as Victor started to lay fast, confident strokes on the paper. He had nowhere else to look except at Victor, so he indulged. Victor’s shy smile quickly transformed into deep concentration, lips slightly parted. Blue eyes turned sharp and observant, although there still was so much warmth and adoration. Victor’s fringe threatened to cover them, so he did this cute little movement with his head trying to move it away. 

They were looking at each other so intently, with full attention and no fear, like nothing else existed around them. 

All of this felt so… intimate.

After a few minutes, Victor’s lips spread in a joyful smile as he took one last look at his work and capped the liner. - “There!” - He turned the sketchbook for Yuuri to see.

It was a fast sketch, but it captured everything that truly mattered. Yuuri could never understand whether it was a special secret or a talent, but Victor’s drawings always looked so alive. One could still see strokes and lines, but overall they gave an impression of a living, breathing thing. How, how did he do it?

Yuuri gently touched the paper, admiring the drawing. The resemblance was remarkable, but his face looked so… Yuuri never considered himself being good-looking or handsome while this surpassed these terms. Was this a reflection of how Victor perceived him? 

“Victor, this is beautiful.” - Yuuri said quietly.

“There is an obvious reply to this, but I’ll keep it to myself as it’s too cheesy.” - Victor chuckled. - “I’m glad you can see this.”

Yuuri bit his lip and looked Victor in the eye. - “Thank you.” - He then returned the sketchbook to Victor. - “There is something I wanted to share with you.”

Victor put the items back into his bag and glanced at Yuuri. - “Sure, what is it?”

Yuuri fiddled with his fingers. - “During the therapy session, I realized how important it is to let other people know how I feel. Good and bad. Especially, to let them know if something is wrong.” - Yuuri glanced at Victor. - “I remember how good you made me feel when you told me that I shouldn’t guess your reactions and you would speak up if something is off. It eased my anxiety so much. That’s why I feel unafraid of you. It’s only fair if I do the same. It was so hard for me before. But things are a bit different now. I will learn. I also realized that it’s so much easier to navigate the relationship when everything is out in the open.” 

Victor’s eyes and smile got soft. - “Thank you, Yuuri. I’m happy to hear that. And it makes me feel so much better. But… Is there something bothering you right now?”

Yuuri took a deep breath and looked at his hands. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Victor tense up a bit. Yuuri chewed his lip and stared at the distance. There was a beautiful pond surrounded by lush beds of flowers and stone sculptures. He returned his gaze to his lap.

“I think I’m asexual.” - He said quietly.

Victor shifted, inhaling audibly and combing a hand through his silver locks.

“I see. Okay. Um… I heard the term and know the basic meaning but I never gave it much thought.”

“I stumbled upon this term only last week, so I’m still confused and figuring this out. Sometimes it’s frustrating. But the descriptions I found, the stories I read, the experiences that people shared… I can relate. Some part of me is so at ease with this identity. Like I’ve finally found an answer to a question I was too afraid to even think about. So. This is me, coming out.” - Yuuri glanced at Victor.

Victor closed his eyes and leaned on the backrest. He then stared at the sky, taking a moment to think.

Yuuri’s heart was going to crush his ribcage.

Finally, Victor’s hand found Yuuri’s and squeezed his fingers.

Yuuri let out a long breath.

“I wish my answer was simple. I wish I could just say ‘oh, I don’t mind at all, it doesn’t matter to me, it’s perfectly fine’. But it’s a bit more complicated.” - Victor squeezed Yuuri’s hand again. - “My last relationship ended like six years ago. I’ve been on my own since then and I was fine with that. I wasn’t looking for casual sex since that’s not what I want. I want a meaningful connection in the first place. Yes, sex is an important part, but not the most important part for me. But going six years on my own and constantly being near a partner who I desire is different.” - Victor searched Yuuri’s eyes. - “I’m going to be clear about this, I want you. I can’t just swallow it and forget. I do and will respect your boundaries. I can take care of my needs. But I might get frustrated one day. Will my desire bother you?”

Yuuri blinked a few times.

“Victor, I owe you an explanation. Ugh… I mean. Thank you for being honest with me.” - He swallowed. - “I should’ve started differently. I must've explained first, ugh. As I told you, I’m still new to this label. It means different things to different people. Yes, there is this definition about a lack of sexual attraction, whatever it is.” - Yuuri chuckled nervously. - “But what I know for sure is that I’m not sex-repulsed.”

Victor furrowed his brows at that. - “Oh. I’m confused.”

Yuuri looked around, making sure there were no people at the earshot, and lowered his voice. - “I don’t crave sex but I crave intimacy. I don’t want things to be done to me. I don’t think I want to be touched in a sexual way. Yet I don’t mind doing things to you.” - His lips spread in an involuntary smile.

“Ugm…”

“You see the smile on my face?” - Yuuri searched Victor’s eyes. - “It’s genuine.” - He lowered his voice even more. - “I get pretty excited when I think about exploring your body, all of it, giving you pleasure and discovering this side of you.” - Yuuri wet his lips and Victor followed the movement with his eyes.

Victor coughed in his fist. - “Yuuri, you are going to give me a heart attack.”

“What I’m trying to say here is that I’m not going to request abstinence from you. It’s just… It might be kinda one-sided. Maybe weird. But it still can be fun. If we are willing to try. Sorry, this conversation is so twisted.” - He sighed. 

“Ugh.” - Victor huffed. - “All of this changes things, of course. But I’m in. I’m willing. Send me the links you were reading, so I know what I'm, we are, dealing with.”

Yuuri beamed. - "Sure!"

“As you said, as long as we are open about our feelings, doubts, and needs, we will be fine.” - Victor smiled.

Yuuri’s heart filled with warmth. - “We should have a conversation about our boundaries, so there is no hesitance and uncertainty. But before that…” - He leaned in. - “I want to kiss you and cuddle you.”

Victor stood up. - “My flat. Right now. We are not bothering with a train, I’m calling an uber.”

Yuuri chuckled.

“Yuuri, hurry up!”

Chapter Text

The last month of summer was unbearably hot and humid.

Yuuri was a witness to Victor’s suffering from the heat he was unused to, from humidity that made his hair curl and stick in every direction, from lack of proper hair care products that tended to his type, from the sun that burned his tender cheeks and shoulders, from sweating all over. Also, from cicadas, little scary shits who screamed as bitches 24/7.

All in all, Victor was acting as if he were dying and he made a huge drama out of it to get Yuuri’s attention. Yuuri halfheartedly pretended he was annoyed. Sometimes he was, indeed, when Victor did something especially silly. But most of the time he enjoyed the game they played. It always tugged at his heart to see usually serious, collected, and considerate Victor drop the protective mask and show the playful side of his personality that was careless and dorky.

One really hot day Yuuri decided he wanted to treat Victor to something nice, something he knew he would enjoy. But at first, he needed to drag Victor out of his apartment. Specifically, from under the air conditioner.

Victor was sprawled on the floor in a star pose, eyes closed. He was laying directly under the cool current of air which gently ruffled his hair and a sweat-soaked white t-shirt. No amount of verbal persuasion was making him move. Moreover, he wanted Yuuri to join him. Yuuri could imagine how nice it would’ve been to just give in and lay on the floor together, but he needed to stay strong and be on track with his plan. Okay, he needed some extreme measures.

He grabbed Victor’s foot and tugged him out of the room. Victor protested loudly, whining and laughing. Makkachin trotted along, barking in excitement. When Yuuri, laughing too, looked back, he noticed that Victor’s t-shirt rode up way over his abs, revealing taut muscles. His eyes lingered on the expanse of skin for just a moment and that allowed Victor to free himself and stand up.

Still laughing, he accepted his defeat and looked at Yuuri, his blue eyes shining. Yuuri noticed his breath catch once again, getting a bit lost in what he saw. Victor was such a beautiful human being. Even in such a disheveled state, he radiated joy and life, and love, and trust. It all made Yuuri’s heart swell. His smile spread even wider.

Yuuri reached his hand to caress Victor’s cheek while he leaned in and kissed Victor on the lips. Makka jumped on them, trying to get involved, too. Yuuri broke the kiss, laughing again. He petted her head, squishing her cheeks and ears for a minute until she lost interest and went to the kitchen to check her water bowl. Yuuri turned to Victor with a fond smile and was met by an intense playful look and immediate kiss. Victor put his right hand on a door frame right above Yuuri’s head and right after that Yuuri found himself pinned to the wall by Victor’s chest. He relaxed into the sensual touch, leaning against the wall. Victor’s natural scent was quite strong due to the heat, his upper lip and chin were freshly shaved and soft. So when he traced kisses down Yuuri’s jaw and neck, Yuuri felt his insides melt.

A sudden thought interrupted the bliss. What treachery!

Yuuri rolled his eyes and whispered in Victor’s ear in the most sultry and breathy way he could master. - “Is this… your revenge?”

Victor groaned and dropped his forehead on Yuuri’s shoulder, surrendering and whispering under his breath. - “The things you do to me, Yuuri…” Victor’s breath was hot against the sensitive skin on Yuuri’s collarbone.

“As much as I enjoy this…” - Yuuri tilted his head to the side to get a look at Victor. - “There is this new place I’ve found that I really wanna show you. And it’s perfect for the weather like this, trust me.”

Victor whined, - “But I’ll die from a heat stroke out there!”

Yuuri rolled his eyes again, chuckling. - “I’ll get us an uber, so it’ll be fast and comfy.”

Okay, that got a reaction he was aiming for. Victor lifted his head to look Yuuri in the eye, - “Okay, that sounds better.” - He gave Yuuri one last peck on the lips before stepping back. - “Just give me a minute to change my shirt.”

After a short ride, they reached their destination.

“A bar?” - Victor lifted his eyebrow, surprised. - “Isn’t it a bit early in the day?”

Yuuri nudged him on the shoulder. - “It took us forever to get here, so it’s not so early. Besides, you’ll understand when you see their menu.” - He pulled the door and let Victor inside the darkened hall. They went down the stairs to the main area. All walls were painted black, stylish dark wooden tables and almost back leather furniture lit only by an ambient light created a really nice atmosphere. The focal point of the space was a tastefully decorated square bar counter in the middle, surrounded by comfy booths.

Yuuri took a look around and pointed at one of the vacant tables, silently asking if it’s alright. Victor nodded and they took their seats.

Victor opened the menu with a playful grin. - “So…”

Yuuri quickly scanned the pages of his own copy and then pointed to a page closer to the end. - “Here.”

Victor glanced at the list. Ice cream section? In a bar? Seriously? His eyes widened when he checked descriptions more carefully. Liquor-infused ice cream? That got him intrigued. It was the first time he saw something like that. - “Wow, that looks very promising!”

“Yeah?” - Yuuri shifted in his seat. - “I saw a mention of this place online and thought it might be interesting to try. I know your love for ice cream. Reviews were great, so I decided to check it out.”

Victor was so excited about the options that it took him another forever to choose. When Yuuri noticed the waiter who was going to make his third try to take their order, he turned to Victor and threatened him to just pick a random item without Victor’s say in it. That got him an exaggeratedly petulant facial expression from the man. In the end, Victor just closed his eyes and made a pick with his finger.

When the first spoonful of cold, strawberry-sangria flavored goodness hit Victor’s tastebuds he moaned in pure bliss. Yuuri hid his smile behind the whiskey-choco scoop.

“Yuuri!”

“What is it?”

“‘Thanks’ won’t be enough for this. I’ll grant whatever wish you have for introducing me to this place. Just name it.” - His eyes sparkled when he was saying this.

Yuuri gave it a thought. A lot of things crossed his mind but upon closer inspection, there was only one he truly, deeply wanted. He chuckled and raised his eyes to meet Victor’s.

“You.” - He said simply.

Victor’s jaw dropped.

“Oh, I know it sounds cheesy but, truth to be told, I just want you in my life.” The mood changed. Yuuri tried to stay playful but the meaning behind his words was too grand to take lightly. He spoke his true feelings. The moment felt right to him.

Victor swallowed. His eyes became warmer and a gentle smile appeared on his lips.

“That I will gladly do.”

Yuuri took a breath and continued. - “I’m not delusional, I don’t ask forever, who knows what happens in the future. But I very much want to be with you as long as we both enjoy being together.”

Victor reached forward and took Yuuri’s hand, saying: “I totally agree. That’s something I want, too.”

“You know, telling the truth and voicing my feelings is so… so liberating! I was so afraid of it before, I was so used to hiding and keeping my mouth shut. You became my safe place and I learned how to open up. Now it’s addictive since it makes life so much easier and it eases my anxiety. I can’t even describe how I’m grateful for it. I want to give you something in return, I want to take care of you and I want to surprise you with things that will bring you joy. Because your smile makes me feel good, too.”

“Yuuri, I’m so touched!”

Yuuri picked back his spoon. - “That’s actually the best ice cream I’ve ever tried.” - He mused.

Victor turned his eyes back to his bowl as if remembering it was there. - “D’you wanna taste mine?”

“Wow, really? I thought you would fight me if I tried to even think of it. You were so engrossed in it.”

“Who knows, maybe it’s just a way to get you to share yours.” - Victor smiled mischievously.

“Ha! I was…” - Yuuri’s phone vibrated at this moment. He retrieved it from his pocket and checked the caller’s ID. - “It’s mom, I’ll take it. Moshi-moshi!”, - he said, switching to Japanese.

“Hello, Yuuri! How are you?”

“Good, I’m with Victor now, we are exploring a new ice cream place.”

“That’s great! I wanted to ask if you boys were going to come to visit. There’s going to be a city festival next weekend, I think Victor will enjoy it.”

“Oh, really. I forgot. I'll ask him now.” - Yuuri turned to the man but hesitated. This moment was as good as any to voice what was troubling him for quite some time, to speak his truth again. - “Mom, before I do… There is something I wanted to tell you.” - He looked Victor in the eyes, seeking support, and reached for his hand to hold on to. - “Victor and I, we are dating now. We are very much in love.”

Without missing a beat, his mom made an elated noise. “Amazing! Victor is such a sweet young man! Tell him I said hi and ask if he wants to come.”

Yuuri blinked. “You are okay with it?”

“I was waiting for so long for you to bring someone back home! A girl, a boy, who cares! I’m just happy for you.”

Yuuri blinked again.

“Victor, I just told my mom we are together, she screamed in joy and asked if you want to come to the city festival next weekend.”

Victor’s brows shot up but his expression soon shifted in understanding. He then looked left and up as if remembering something. “I had some plans but I can easily reschedule.” - He waved his other hand dismissively and turned his gaze back to Yuuri. - “I would love to come!”

Yuuri squeezed his hand one more time and switched back to Japanese. - “Yes, mom. We will come.”

“Wonderful! Text me the arrival time when you buy the tickets! Okay, gotta go.”

Yuuri stared at the darkened screen for a long moment. “And that’s what I was afraid of?” - He chuckled in disbelief and started to laugh nervously. - “She didn’t even bat an eye.” He put a spoonful of melted ice cream in his mouth. - “I can’t believe it.” He then reached into Victor’s bowl and scooped some, eliciting a startled ‘hey!’ from the man. - “Like seriously! And I was losing my shit over it? Oh, gods…” Yuuri stared ahead and shook his head, while mindlessly licking the spoon.

“I’m glad everything turned out to be alright.” - Victor laughed gently.

Chapter Text

Victor chopped vegetables on the dinner table while Yuuri stood at the kitchen countertop preparing a sauce. That position allowed him a good view of Yuuri's amazingly delicious ass, clad in tight jeans. Yuuri rinsed something in the sink and then shook his hands to get the moisture off. While doing so, his hips moved with the motion. Victor swallowed and bit his lip. Oh, the things this man did to him… Yuuri was handsome, attractive, and charming. Some could’ve missed his appeal at a first glance but once noticed, there was no unseeing it. It was not an open flame but hot coal, give it some breeze, and the heat will rise and burn. 

The more time they spent together, the more smitten Victor got.

Once finished with his workload, Victor stood and moved to the counter. He slid the cutting board on the countertop with one hand while snaking another around Yuuri. He put his chin on Yuuri’s shoulder and glanced at the food in his hands. 

Yuuri smiled glancing at Victor, picked a shrimp, dipped it in sauce, and lifted it to Victor’s mouth. Victor closed his eyes and quietly moaned at the taste. Yuuri chose this moment to peck him on the cheek.

Yuuri continued cooking while Victor stayed draped on his back. That new position gave Victor lots of benefits. First, he could hug Yuuri. Second, he could watch Yuuri cook. Third, the most important one, he could receive occasional food samples. 

“I’m not distracting you, am I?” - Victor asked in a playful tone as Yuuri struggled to reach a spatula as Victor’s body limited his movements.

“Oh, not at all.” - Yuuri chuckled with a slight tone of sarcasm. He didn’t complain, though. Neither he showed any sign he wasn’t enjoying the game.

Yuuri moved again, reaching for a bowl and Victor adjusted his hold on him.

Loud clank. Sound of desperate intake of breath. 

“No!”

Sharp elbow hit Victor’s ribs.

“Ouch!” - Disoriented, Victor lifted his eyes at Yuuri who was now standing to his left in a defensive stance, wide-eyed and gasping, trying to calm his breath. - “What happened?”

Yuuri took a few breaths, gulped. - “You just put your hand on my lower belly. The feeling was so intense my body went into fight mode for a split second. Sorry, I hit you.”

Victor blinked, confused.

Yuuri reached for the stove and turned the burner off. He then leaned on his hands, gripping the counter, and closed his eyes, calming down. “I felt it before,” - he said. - “A while ago, when we were making out. It was a bit different then. Yet still overwhelming.” After a short pause, he took the fallen bowl from the sink - thankfully unbroken - put it aside, and continued in a quieter voice, - “I felt it before. A long time ago. But at that time I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t fight, I couldn’t breathe.” He lifted his head and looked at Victor. “I’m so glad today I could do all of that.”

“Oh, Yuuri…” - Victor whispered softly. He hesitated, was he allowed to comfort Yuuri with an embrace? He wanted to, that was his prime love language. But he wasn’t sure how Yuuri would react.

Yuuri noticed. He came closer and hugged Victor. “I’m not full of triggers,” - he said, - “I love your touch. I find so much in it, comfort too. I don’t want you to feel like you are walking on eggshells around me.”

Victor let out a relieved breath. Yes, that's what he was afraid of.

“Okay, I won’t.”

They stood in silence for a while, restoring the connection and taking strength from it. A thought popped in Victor’s mind.

“Yuuri, I have a theory. Would you like to try something?”

“What is it?”

“Negative experience creates specific patterns in our mind. But it is possible to break them by new, positive experiences. I know it was traumatic for you before. What if it was calm, enjoyable, and controlled this time?”

“Okay, that sounds logical. I’m in. How?”

Victor glanced around. “Ummm, I think if we are doing it, we would have to abandon cooking for a while.”

“We already did. It can wait.”

“Okay, here is the plan. We could sit down, your back leaning on my chest, and I’ll put my hand on your chest. Then I’ll move my hand in soothing circles. Simple, predictable. You can put your hand on mine and stop me whenever this becomes overwhelming.” - Victor looked Yuuri in the eyes and saw a spark of interest in them.

Victor sat on a sofa, knees wide to accommodate Yuuri who sat on the edge in front of him. 

“You seem stiff. Mind if I give your shoulders a light massage first?”

“No, go for it.”

Victor placed his palms between Yuuri's shoulder blades, giving him warmth and strength, leaning into him, so Yuuri could lean back a little. Once he felt Yuuri starting to breathe deeper, he moved his palms to the sides of Yuuri's neck and started massaging the muscles at the back of the skull with his thumbs. Yuuri relaxed into the touch, letting his head fall forward. Victor then moved to thoroughly knead bigger muscles at the base of the neck and Yuuri let out a moan. 

"Gods, Victor, this feels so good." 

"I'm glad." 

"We should do it more often. Oh, I feel like I'm going to melt any second now." 

"Good. Are you ready to lean on me?" 

Without a verbal answer, Yuuri just scooted closer and let his weight be supported by Victor's chest, his head falling on Victor's shoulder. 

Victor placed a gentle kiss on Yuuri's temple and continued massaging his biceps, slowly moving his palms to Yuuri's chest. 

“You okay with that?”

“Yeah, go on.”

At some point they both closed their eyes, enjoying the tactile connection. A touch is a communication tool and a language in itself. Nothing can replace it. Nothing can be more primal than warmth, pressure, sensation. 

Yuuri swam in a feeling of comfort and calmness. 

Victor’s hand moved in slow soothing circles that grew wider and wider over time, all over Yuuri’s chest and stomach. The motion was repeatable and predictable. Yuuri got so familiar with it that he didn't even notice when it got lower, to the most triggering area. It wasn’t triggering anymore. All he felt was deep satisfaction and inner balance.

Victor enjoyed it immensely too. Holding Yuuri’s mellowed body in this embrace was elating. But there also was an undercurrent that he chose to ignore. An undercurrent of attraction and pure desire. He was at a calm place where he could decide whether to give fuel to the flame and let it consume him or keep it kindling on the back of his being. The choice the situation demanded was obvious. A tiny part of his mind was trying to make him feel guilty for having any sexual intentions towards Yuuri. But he wasn’t buying it. Desire was an innate part of him, he wasn’t going to be ashamed of it, nor was he going to be ashamed for anything he felt towards Yuuri. It took him a long time in therapy to accept everything he felt without judgment. He wanted Yuuri, there was no point in denying that. Yuuri was aware of the fact and accepted him anyway. 

After a long while, Victor ceased his motions and gave Yuuri a peck on the temple. Yuuri nuzzled his neck and stirred, taking a deep breath. They sat straighter, opening their eyes and slowly coming back from the depths. Words didn’t come as they felt unnecessary at that moment. A smile and look in the eyes were enough to know that everything went extremely well.

They both got up and went back to the kitchen.

***

As it was a weekday, they had to go to bed quite early to be able to have enough sleep. Victor checked his alarm, placed both of their phones aside to charge, and let himself drift into unconsciousness while Yuuri was tucked to his side. 

His dreams that night were a mess of blur and color. Then the direction of them changed suddenly and they got more vivid, filled with flames of desire. 

Something brought him closer to awareness. Heat, heaviness, the rush of blood, and ragged breath. Something touched his face, his lips. The smell of Yuuri. The kisses he was giving him. Lips, cheek, neck. Ohhh… Victor blinked warily, noting the early morning light. Noting Yuuri’s hands roaming over his body. Noting heaviness between his legs. Good god, he was hard.

He COULD will it away, but he didn’t want to, that would just frustrate him. No, he was so aroused he desperately needed release. Now. He felt Yuuri trail kisses behind his ear. He let out a choked moan.

“Yuuri, no… I, ugh, I have to go to the bathroom.”

He heard Yuuri speak in a husky, sultry voice, - “If it’s just an excuse to go take care of the situation in your pants, I can offer an alternative.”

What?!

Ten minutes ago Yuuri woke to Victor’s heavy breath against his nape and unconscious rutting of his hips against his ass. After the initial shock wore off, Yuuri calmed down. Victor was still asleep. His actions weren’t intentional, so he couldn’t blame him or hold it against him. It was okay to have a wet dream. Yuuri got them too. He would occasionally wake up rutting the crumbled blankets. More so, right now Victor was even in a more vulnerable position.

Yuuri turned to face Victor, trying not to startle him. He started to touch him gently. Victor deserved pleasure and Yuuri felt safe enough to try giving it to him.

Blue eyes bore into Yuuri’s, surprised and searching.

“You heard that right,” - Yuuri caressed Victor’s cheek and smiled. - “I want to help you with that if you want it, too. Will you let me?”

Victor closed his eyes, letting out a moan, and hid his face in Yuuri’s neck. “Yes. Yes, please.”

“Turn around.”

Victor obeyed, Yuuri scooted closer and hugged him from behind, his left hand snaked under Victor’s neck to caress his chest while the other touched Victor’s abs. Yuuri placed open-mouthed kisses to the back of Victor’s neck while his hands explored the hot skin of his front below the loose T-shirt. A thumb to a nipple made Victor moan and wreathe.  

Ever so slowly, Yuuri trailed his right hand to the hem of Victor’s underwear.

Victor loudly inhaled. “Hold on a sec.” He then reached for the nightstand, opened a drawer, and retrieved a folded towel that contained a small bottle of lube. He brought the items on the bed and laid them closer to his crotch. “This makes things so much easier,” - he panted. “Please go on.”

Yuuri returned his hand on Victor’s body and palmed him through the soft fabric. That elicited a delicious-sounding moan. Feeling bolder upon seeing Victor’s reaction, he sneaked his hand under the elastic. 

This was both familiar and not, Yuuri noted. Silky hot skin, heat, and hardness. These things he was used to. But the shape and girth of Victor’s shaft were different from his own. It was kind of strange to feel the erection in his hand but not feel the complementing sensation on the skin below it. That sensation only Victor could feel now. 

Not knowing yet what Victor liked, Yuuri took a safe path of applying things that he preferred himself and observing Victor’s reaction to them. Which was quite exquisite. 

At some point, Victor took the lube and applied a small amount of it to Yuuri’s palm so he could move it faster and smoother. Yuuri sped up his motions, listening to Victor’s heavy, breathy moans and peppering his neck with dirty kisses.  

This was amazing. Yuuri couldn’t imagine he could have such power over another man. He couldn’t imagine he would enjoy GIVING pleasure so much. He couldn’t imagine it would come so naturally to him. He was unafraid, he was excited, he was fascinated. He was curious to explore more possibilities. 

He felt Victor’s body tighten, breath speeding up. In a few moments, Victor shuddered, grunting through his teeth and thrashing his head against the pillow. 

Yuuri waited a few moments and then, peaking around Victor’s shoulder, he reached for the towel to clean Victor and his own hand. Yuuri tossed the towel aside once he was done and leaned on his elbow to have a better look at Victor. The man turned on his back and was now looking Yuuri in the eyes, a blissed smile on his lips.

They stayed like that for a couple of moments, studying each other, conversing with eye contact alone.

“Thank you,” - Victor whispered. 

Yuuri reached his hand to comb through Victor’s silver locks. “You deserved that. And I was more than happy and ready to give it to you.”

“Thank you,” - Victor repeated and leaned up for a kiss. 

They shared a few quiet moments before the first alarm went off.

Chapter Text

Tempting, delicious collarbone.

A collarbone, peeking just so from the loose hem of Victor’s white t-shirt.

Yuuri had been staring at it for quite some time, unable to tear his gaze away.

It was so… very… tempting.

He licked his lips and swallowed.

“Victor?”

The man just hummed in reply, engrossed in scrolling and occasionally reading something on his Instagram feed.

“Are you busy much?”

“Not much…” - he said, sounding distracted, eyes still on his phone screen, - “you have something in mind?”

Yuuri bit his lip. - “I wanna see you naked.”

Victor’s eyes went wide, he fumbled with his phone, dropping the device on his face.

“Ow. What?”

Yuuri made himself more comfortable on the bed they were lounging on and gathered all his courage. - “Now that I have your attention… Can we do some sensual stuff tonight? I would really love to see… and touch your chest. Naked.”

This ignited a spark in Victor’s eyes. He put the phone aside, sat up, and tugged the shirt over his head. Once it was discarded to the foot of the bed, he laid back down.

He gave Yuuri a curious look, then winked playfully, gesturing at his body, - “All yours.”

Yuuri stared at the expanse of soft-looking skin, defined chest, and abs. His gaze lingered on dark, pert nipples. 

It all felt so tempting yet so forbidden. He reached his hand tentatively. - “Can I?”

“Sure. However you like. Yuuri, I love your touch. If something feels unpleasant I’ll tell you.”

Yuuri licked his lips nervously, his hand did not move.

“What is it?” - Victor raised an eyebrow.

“I want to do it and you said I can but… Ugh!”

Victor turned on his side and leaned on his elbow. - “But some voice in your head is whispering you can’t?”

“Yes! Dammit!” - Yuuri let out an exasperated huff.

“What does it say?”

Yuuri sat up and took a minute to focus and listen to what he experienced at the moment. He wanted to do a lot of things to Victor, with Victor. But wanting was forbidden, wanting was shameful. He shouldn’t have such thoughts. What the heck? They had done a lot of stuff already. He had explicit consent. Victor stressed it enough times that such things were welcomed. Yet Yuuri still didn’t feel like he had true permission. Just what kind of permission did he need? He had the most important one, the one from Victor. Yet… Who else could it depend on? What else could stop him? Could it be… Did he need permission from… himself? Whoa. But why? You shouldn't want, you shouldn’t touch, you shouldn’t love. SHAME. Mark’s face. The heck?! It was so long ago!

Victor witnessed as Yuuri’s face changed according to the events of his inner battle, his expressions shifted from contemplative to confused, to surprised, to confused again, and finally to baffled. 

“It screams shame.” - Yuuri whispered, his eyes wide. - “It drowns me in self-hatred. It tells me I’m not allowed to express myself, to feel, to want. For it’s disgusting. And you know why?” - He threw his hands in the air and stared at the ceiling. - “Because long ago I had a crush, an unrequited one.” - With each word, he sounded more agitated. - “I told you about Mark, hadn’t I?” 

Victor nodded, remembering their conversation on the Hasetsu beach. That also brought thoughts about their trip tomorrow. But that could wait.

“Because at the time I felt so ashamed of my feelings for him. I convinced myself I have no right to have them because he will hate me. I was so afraid to be abandoned that I took those feelings, marked them as a great sin, and shoved them away. Only not to lose him as a friend. Because I thought he would turn his back on me, ridicule me, and think of me as disgusting. I denied my feelings their right to exist. I denied a part of me the right to exist. No wonder I felt broken after doing that. I will no longer do it to myself.”

Yuuri ran his fingers through his hair wildly. 

“I have the right to exist. All parts of me have the right to exist. I have the right to fight. I have the right to speak up. I have the right to feel. I have the right to love. I have the right to be loved. I have the right to want whatever I want. And there is NO shame in that.” - Yuuri let out a tiny, heart-wrecking sob and started to cry.

“Oh, Yuuri,” - Victor whispered in the most soothing voice, - “come here, my dear.” He sat up and got closer to the man to embrace him. Victor hugged Yuuri to his chest, petting his hair and back. They stayed like that for a few moments. 

When sobbing subsided, Victor said, - “I hope those were liberating tears.” He felt Yuuri nod and sniff. “I feel so inspired by you right now. To understand and accept everything you just said… Wow, I imagine it takes so much courage and emotional growth.”

“Thank you.” Yuuri didn’t deny a compliment as he would usually do because he was deeply proud of himself at the moment.

“Let me get you a napkin and a glass of water.” - Victor rose from the bed and went to the kitchen.

Yuuri felt as if he was on cloud nine. Yep, his plans went to hell with all this emotional turbulence, but hey, such insights were worth everything as they were life-changing. 

He took a few calming, cleansing breaths and, as he saw Victor coming back with items that he so needed… Victor, who always took care of him, Victor, who listened patiently, Victor, who felt like a safe place… finally, he was able to recognize for what it was this huge, all-encompassing, most natural feeling inside of his being. 

As Yuuri accepted the water and a cardboard pack, he lifted his eyes to meet Victor’s, and his mouth moved on his own accord.

“I love you.”

The expression on Victor’s face was priceless. He kneeled in front of the bed and put his head on Yuuri’s lap.

“I love you too.”

They shared a wonderful silence, absorbing and processing the events of the night.

Yuuri then took a sip of water, cleaned his face, and blew his nose. Once he was done, he reached the nightstand to place the glass there. Then, he turned to Victor.

“Come here on the bed. Your damn naked chest is making me weak in the knees and this collarbone of yours is just mouth-watering and I want to touch it all.”

Victor chuckled, - “Back on track all right!” He resumed his lying position and watched as Yuuri scooted closer.

This time there was no hesitation. Yuuri’s hands met the expanse of skin. He basked in the feeling of softness and warmth. 

Victor’s breath deepened and he sighed in contentment.

Yuuri continued his exploration, awed by the experience and beauty of the man. Once his hands ran over each inch of skin, he gently touched Victor’s nipple and observed, mesmerized, how the skin on Victor’s shoulder got covered in goosebumps.

He leaned in and kissed it, eliciting a soft gasp. Trailing his kisses up, he reached that tempting bone and gave it the attention it deserved. Yuuri felt an urge to leave a mark there but decided against it as they were visiting his parents tomorrow. He did not discard the thought completely, just stored it until their return. He moved higher again, reaching Victor’s neck. By this moment, the man was putty under Yuuri’s touch, fully relaxed and pliant. The kisses behind the ear made him mellow. 

Yuuri deeply inhaled the smell of Victor’s skin and finally felt sated. He then tucked a lock of silver hair behind Victor’s ear, looked in his lidded eyes, and kissed him on the lips ever so gently.

He sat up and looked at Victor. The sight was breathtaking.

After a few moments, Victor reached his hand up to touch Yuuri’s shoulder. - “Can I have a request?”

“What is it?”

“Would you be comfortable taking off your shirt too?”

Yuuri blinked, eagerly nodded, and tugged the fabric off his body.

“So beautiful.” - Victor mused. - “I want to feel you, skin to skin. Would you lay down on top of me?”

“Won’t it be too heavy?”

“It will be heavy, yes, but the weight feels great.”

“Okay then.”

Yuuri took a moment to estimate the logistics. He then straddled Victor’s hips and laid down, keeping his limbs on the sides to lessen the weight.

Once he relaxed, he understood, or rather felt, the appeal of such a position. Skin contact felt divine. His body rose with each Victor’s breath and he could feel the beat of the man’s heart with his chest.

He felt Victor’s hands on his back, blunt nails lightly scratching the skin. Yuuri let out a long moan.

“Gods, that feels so good.”

“It is, I’m enjoying it so much.”

Yuuri hid his face in the crook of Victor’s neck and inhaled the scent.

This sense of calmness, trust, and relaxation were just what he needed right now. Every thought and trouble went to the background, leaving him in a state of bliss. 

Ten or fifteen minutes passed when Victor spoke. 

"You know, all Russian names have some form of diminutive. Usually, there are several of them for each name. Full name is used in formal situations, in business, or when you don't know the person. For colleagues, friends, and family it's just a diminutive." - He trailed figures on Yuuri's naked back with his finger. - "I got used to being called Victor all the time. I like this version of my name. But sometimes I wish I was called more intimately."

"I'd love to do it. How do you pronounce it?“

"It's Витя, Vitya. The 't' is very very soft as if it just blended with the soft 'a'. Both English and Japanese don't have this sound combination, so it might be unusual at first. Try it."

"Vit-ya. Hmm, yeah, I can't pronounce it like you. Vit-ya, Vitya."

"Much better," - Victor smiled as Yuuri's Japanese accent suddenly became richer. - "You'll get it right with practice. But I like the twist you add to it. Makes it unique." 

"Vitya." 

"Yes, just like that."