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“We should have an orgy.” Kuroba said suddenly, and Shinichi found himself choking on his coffee.
“What, the, fuck.” Hattori managed to sum Shinichi’s thoughts up perfectly, and for once, Hakuba actually looked like he agreed with Hattori. Their collective reaction did nothing to stifle Kuroba’s deranged grin.
“No listen. I’ve figured it all out. Look at this chart.” No-one looked at the chart. Shinchi and Hakuba were too busy trying to kill Kuroba with a glare while Hattori glanced around nervously, praying that Kazuha hadn’t somehow appeared just in time to hear Kaito’s outrageous suggestion. Kuroba carried on as though nothing was wrong.
“See it’s like this. We all know that Shinichi is in love with Ran right?” Hattori nooded sagely at that. “But he also has this really intense bromance going with Hattori here, and it’s only a matter of time before the b in bromance disappears.” At this Hattori started shaking his head in alarm, but it was too late to stop Kuroba. It was always too late to stop Kuroba. “Hattori meanwhile is also madly in love with Kazuha, and is well on the way to some kind of clichéd hatesex thing with Hakuba. Kazuha has a definite chemistry with Ran, that’s just as strong as her connection with Hattori.”
“I want him to stop now. Kudo, please make him shut up.” Hattori said, with an air of faint desperation. Hakuba had buried his head in his hands at around the point Kuroba had started talking about hatesex. It didn’t look like he was planning on coming up any time soon.
“Then there’s Hakuba, who in addition to the UST with Hattori has clearly stated his intentions towards Aoko, and has displayed a more than professional interest in Akako.” Kuroba continued gleefully.
“I also distinctly remember him flirting with Ran at the sunset mansion, and she wasn’t exactly uninterested.”
“Oi oi, stop talking about Ran that way.” Shinichi felt it was time to intervene. Hakuba peeked out from between his fingers to watch the ensuing trainwreck.
“Oh I haven’t even got started on Ran. She has almost as many love interests as you do Shin chan. And don’t look at me like that, we all know the scary scientist girl has the hots for you, as does that detective girl Sera san, and her older brother the spy. Incidentally does it count as being a sugar daddy if the person in question is actually older than you? I mean you saved his life and let him live in your house, and generally support him financially and emotionally.” Shinchi hadn’t quite worked out how yet but he was definitely going to kill Kuroba. No-one would ever be able to prove anything. Not with the other two fully prepared to help him hide the body.
“Anyway where was I. Oh yes, Ran chan. Well there’s you of course Shinichi, but there’s also the thing with Kazuha and even that odd chemistry with Hattori here. Then there’s Sera san who I suspect likes Ran even more than she likes you Shin chan, and that boy Hondou kun, and I honestly doubt Hakuba would say no if she asked. And of course there’s Sonoko, can’t forget Sonoko, she’s probably got the best chance of stealing Ran from you altogether. But of course Sonoko chan also has the terrifying Makoto san, and her own separate thing with Sera san.” Shinichi wished someone would commit a conveniently timed murder, just to give him an excuse to end this discussion. From the way Hattori kept looking hopefully at the sky, he wasn’t the only one.
“In any case my point is the whole thing is horribly complicated and it would save a lot of trouble if we just all had an orgy and got it out of our systems don’t you thing.” Hakuba looked at Kuroba like he was the architect of all his misfortunes. He probably wasn’t far wrong.
“And where do you fit in to all this.” He said, clearly dreading the answer. Kuroba responded with a dazzling smile.
“Well I’m me. Everyone wants to sleep with me.”
Shinichi was so happy when the dead body crashed through the celing to land on their table.