Archive of Our Own ^beta

Scott wasn't planning to get that deeply in love. With a man, no less. He was pretty sure they were both just playing, flirting for the fun of it, tucking on each other's sense of humour. He thought it was all just fun and giggles. He wasn't even sure Reyes could be serious about anything, especially when feelings were involved. So, he went there. Right into the rabbit hole. Allowed himself to fall, deep, with a sense of weightlessness all around.

And then, then he ended up in some pretty complicated relationship with an even more complicated man. It was a mess. Going back and forth between planets just to meet him, to feel his body, hear his voice, to know that he's real and alive, that he still belongs to him and that he's in love with him on the same crazy level. He would have million questions on his lips. Then again, when they finally were together, he couldn't bring himself to ask even one of them, to bare his soul like that - Did you miss me? Do you love me? How much do you want me? - so he played an even bigger fool in front of that man, so they both could just enjoy their time together, without unnecessary complications.

He was scared to ask. He didn't know what to expect, because Reyes was hardly serious about anything, and he wouldn't talk about feelings when they were together. Scott always went along with that mood, not confident enough to talk about his deepest feelings that included a lot of insecurities. He felt like a baby that just wanted to have some attention, while grown-ups were busy with work, so he kept quiet. But over time, those thougts changed into something darker, sharper and more painful, and even Scott was scared of that part of him. He decided to abandon even the thought of it existing.

But it was always there. Hidden tightly and shamefully.

It was bad. Really, really bad. Scott hated that feeling. And loved it all the same. Hate was easier, it just pilled up in him day after day, when Reyes was away from him, when thoughts about him tortured Scott, making his job almost impossible because he just couldn't stop thinking about him - what was he doing, was he safe, was he even alive? They attacked him annoyingly like little buzzing insects. Even under heavy fire on the field, he unconsciously reminded himself that Reyes wasn't all that great when it came to wielding firearms. What if somebody ambushed him? Learned about his identity? Maybe some Sloane's supporters lurked in the shadows, always watching, waiting for occasion to arrive...

So, after liberating another piece of land and solving some puzzles in Remnants ruins, he would hurry to the Tempest, launch the communicator and assure himself that Reyes was, in fact, still in one piece. Of course, he never said anything to the man - he would wear his greatest carefree smile on his face and cover his fear under heavily stupid jokes. Maybe that was a giveaway, but Reyes never asked. And because he looked so oblivious to it, Scott thought that all of his uncertainties were still safe within him.

Of course, he'd told SAM to monitor the situation on Kadara and immediately give him a message when something happens, but even after that he just couldn't calm himself down. It's not like he didn't trust his AI. Just the opposite. It's just... he knew that when he will get the message, it will be too late for him to save the day.

Those thoughts almost made him crazy.

Reyes didn't really like coming to the Tempest. He felt like an outsider. People didn't know him and he wanted it to stay that way. He allowed one person in his life and that was enough. It was pointless to push him further. So, it was Scott who constantly visited his lover. It felt like he was the one that cared and longed for their meeting, while Reyes was just patiently waiting, always welcoming, with his calm and almost lazy attitude.

But it wasn't enough. Because Scott wanted more. To be reassured, treasured, held tightly. To hear words of love, repeated like a broken record, to be made into one ugly mess of emotions and to share it all with that man. Sometimes, he felt like he was choking on all those closed up feelings, frustrations, hopes and dreams. He knew, knew Reyes wasn't that kind of man, he wouldn't make fun of him, but this... this mess was too shameful to admit to it. To share it that casually, without fear.

So, he just kept it to himself. All of that.

It was bad. Terrifyingly bad. And then, when all of his insecurities and uncertainties rose to the point of no return, he would hold that man with almost hysterical desperation. He would bite, he would gnaw with his teeth with almost all of his strength until he could feel that iron taste of blood on his tongue, his fingers would clutch tightly until bruised marks appeared all over Reyes' dark skinned body. But it was never enough. Not until Reyes made him forget everything and everyone, when every dark thought would fly away from his head, and when his world finally became simpler.

That moment, when it felt like there were only the two of them in this world, was his only salvation.

The thing was, Reyes enjoyed it all, while Scott wanted him to suffer. In some ways, it was actually amazing, how he was always the one with absolute control over the situation. He knew exactly what he wanted to give and take. He teasingly chuckled when Scott finally came to his senses and released him from that desperate grasp, looking like he didn't understand himself well, not to mention his desperate needs - well, they never talked about their past love life, but Reyes was used to all kinds of lovers, and he recognised those greedy hands and mouth all too well, even though he wouldn't have let anyone mark him that badly as he let Scott did it.

And when Scott was silently calming down, getting his desires and sanity in check again, Reyes would always reach for the cigarette. He would take one from the drawer or a pocket, roll it between his parched lips, but actually never lit it up, play with it for some time, thinking about nothing at all, just enjoying the feeling of being lazy ass after moment of intense intimacy with his young and resilient lover. Scott would always ask if he was okay, but he would always get only a crooked smile in response, slightly amused, as if Reyes was asking with it “Are you concerned about me now, after all that crazy shit?”.

Of course Scott was concerned. He would trace all of those wounds carefully, using only tips of his fingers, with a hint of massive guilt in his eyes. When Reyes was so close, with visible marks of Scott's desire to monopolize him all over his body, Ryder cursed himself for that, even though Vidal was so indifferent about it.

“Slap some medi-gel on them” he'd said jokingly, when Scott actually stared at his own work with absolute terror. “It's fine, really.”

Those words never reassured Scott, because then he just started to think why it was always fine. Who made him accustomed to that kind of pain. Who was that? A man? A woman? What name was he thinking of?

After some time, Reyes would lean over Scott, kiss him lightly on the neck, say his name in a very gentle fashion, like it was always on his tongue, just waiting to roll off with just a breath, and then he would make love to him, gently and lovingly, pouring every bit of his feelings into the act. It was always calmer with him on top, they both relaxed, enjoyed, and even laughed a bit in the middle, when Reyes traced Scott's body with his fingers and tickled him with kisses.

Reyes never told Scott, but he accepted him. His feverish desires, his violent needs. He was, in fact, just a boy. Innocent and sweet at times, but not so honest and vocal about his expectations. Then, he would hold him so desperately, because he couldn't find a better way to express himself. But he was young, their relationship was freash and far from perfect, so it was expected actually. Still, Reyes really wanted Scott to know that he'll always be there for him. That they could and will make it work. That he loves and treasures him and all those words they'd exchanged, they were not empty.

He was thankful that Scott accepted him. So, he returned that feeling of trust. Because, that was the only thing he could really give. And if Scott really needed to monopolize him that badly, he would let him. Because he was absolutely ready to give him everything.