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Language:
English
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Published:
2018-05-29
Updated:
2024-08-03
Words:
1,587
Chapters:
5/?
Comments:
67
Kudos:
359
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4,548

DANK DEATH EATER GROUP CHAT™

Summary:

Regulus has just become a Death Eater.
Next he knows, he gets added to the Death Eater group chat.
Will he be able to handle the hilarity?

Notes:

They're OOC. I'm not following the canon story. This is crack. It's set in 2018. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Now flip to 2024 ;)

 

-------Usernames---------
Regulus=ReggieTheVeggie
Voldemort=THE_DARK_LORD
Severus=I'm.done
Bellatrix=torturing.makes.me.happy
Lucius=AlbinoPeacock
Fenrir=WalkMePlz
Rodolphus=LongHaired_TWIN
Rabastan=ShortHaired_TWIN
Narcissa=same.sev
Barty=BartyTheParty
Sirius=BrighterThanYou
Remus=padfootNO

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: The Initiation™

Chapter Text

ReggieTheVeggie has been added to main death eater gc.

 

ReggieTheVeggie: ????,???

ReggieTheVeggie: is this the last part of The Initiation™ y'all were talking about

THE_DARK_LORD: Welcome, Regulus.

THE_DARK_LORD: Death Eaters, introduce yourselves.

torturing.makes.me.happy: hey smol cousin

torturing.makes.me.happy: it's me ya boi

torturing.makes.me.happy: bellatrix

same.sev: Hello Regulus, it's Narcissa.

AlbinoPeacock: Lucius

I'm.done: severus

WalkMePlz: Fenrir Greyback here

LongHaired_TWIN: Rodolphus Lestrange 

ShortHaired_TWIN: Rabastan Lestrange 

ReggieTheVeggie: hello everyone :)

THE_DARK_LORD: now that that's out of the way what should we do now?

AlbinoPeacock: How 'bout we go to sleep.

AlbinoPeacock: It's late.

THE_DARK_LORD: SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH LUCIUS 

I'm.done: i have an idea

THE_DARK_LORD: the floor is yours

I'm.done: how bout we go to sleep 

THE_DARK_LORD: brilliant idea severus 

AlbinoPeacock: FdrhhjfjbfnjchdhjdvHXUXHDB

THE_DARK_LORD: we shall get on to it right away

THE_DARK_LORD: MINIONS SLEEP

ReggieTheVeggie: I'll try I guess 

same.sev: what do you mean "I'll try I guess"

ReggieTheVeggie: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

same.sev: I will get Siri, young man.

ReggieTheVeggie: nooooo

ReggieTheVeggie: i

ReggieTheVeggie: I just kinda have insomnia some times

ReggieTheVeggie: and i t just keeps me up

ReggieTheVeggie: okay

ReggieTheVeggie: sorry

I'm.done: there's nothing to be sorry for

I'm.done: insomnia is problem everyone has time to time

I'm.done: just try to get some shut eye

ReggieTheVeggie: okay sev

ReggieTheVeggie: ...

ReggieTheVeggie: thanks

 

Chapter 2: JUST FAM?!?!? + hair troubles

Summary:

Sev and Luci are back at it again.
Rodolphus has a serious question, m'kay?
All Reg wanted was to change the gc name because it was boring.

Notes:

-------Usernames---------
Regulus=ReggieTheVeggie
Voldemort=THE_DARK_LORD
Severus=I'm.done
Bellatrix=torturing.makes.me.happy
Lucius=AlbinoPeacock
Fenrir=WalkMePlz
Rodolphus=LongHaired_TWIN
Rabastan=ShortHaired_TWIN
Narcissa=same.sev
Barty=BartyTheParty
Sirius=BrighterThanYou
Remus=padfootNO
Amycus=fitsofgiggles

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

 

death eater gc

~~~~~~~~~~

 

ReggieTheVeggie: the gc name is soooooo boring 

 

ReggieTheVeggie has changed the group chat name to DANK DEATH EATER GROUP CHAT™.

 

torturing.makes.me.happy: ayyyyyyyyyyy

I'm.done: lucius were through

I'm.done: i thought u were bae

I'm.done: turns out ur just fam

AlbinoPeacock: ;((((((((((

AlbinoPeacock: y bro?

I'm.done: I finally realized that ur having a child

I'm.done: and not once did u bring up godfather

AlbinoPeacock: ...

AlbinoPeacock: bruh

AlbinoPeacock: who else is rhere 

AlbinoPeacock: besides you

AlbinoPeacock: to be godfather???

same.sev: ohhhh its gettin good

same sev: *eats popcorn*

ReggieTheVeggie: *steals some*

ReggieTheVeggie: y don't u 2 make out already 

same.sev: ^^^^

same.sev: yeah 

AlbinoPeacock:  ???

AlbinoPeacock: I have a wife 

AlbinoPeacock: who is carrying a child

I'm.done: Do I mean nothing to you?

AlbinoPeacock: oh wizarding god

AlbinoPeacock: I am confusion

torturing.makes.me.happy: lol

THE_DARK_LORD: ^

WalkMePlz: ^^

ReggieTheVeggie: ^^^

LongHaired_TWIN: on a whole different note

ShortHaired_TWIN: should he cut his hair

LongHaired_TWIN: so we look similar 

ShortHaired_TWIN: again?

THE_DARK_LORD: no

THE_DARK_LORD: there would be 

THE_DARK_LORD: TOO MUCH GODDAMN 

THE_DARK_LORD: CONFUSION™

torturing.makes.me.happy: I don't even know which one of you is my husband

LongHaired_TWIN: ...

torturing.makes.me.happy: jk  ;P

torturing.makes.me.happy: luv u RoRo

torturing.makes.me.happy: <3

LongHaired_TWIN: :)))   <3 <3 <3

I'm.done: I think he should cut it

I'm.done: long hair is me + luci's thang

AlbinoPeacock: ^^

ReggieTheVeggie: excuse me

same.sev: I think we need an outside opinion 

 

same.sev has added fitsofgiggles.

 

fitsofgiggles: wut?

same.sev: read up

fitsofgiggles: oh

fitsofgiggles:  LOL

fitsofgiggles: its a no from me

 

fitsifgiggles has left DANK DEATH EATER GROUP CHAT™.

 

LongHaired_TWIN: guess I'm not cutting it

ShortHaired_TWIN: it's okay bro

ShortHaired_TWIN: 2 short haired twins

LongHaired_TWIN: is too much confusion?

ShortHaired_TWIN: yup

WalkMePlz: now 

WalkMePlz:  Bas

WalkMePlz: about that walk :))))))

ShortHaired_TWIN: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Notes:

Luci and Sev are basically my friends and I.

Comments are appreciated! >;^)

Chapter 3: Prepare for Trouble + make it double

Summary:

AlbinoPeacock: Prepare for Trouble
I'm.done: and make it double

Notes:

-------Usernames---------
Regulus=ReggieTheVeggie
Voldemort=THE_DARK_LORD
Severus=I'm.done
Bellatrix=torturing.makes.me.happy
Lucius=AlbinoPeacock
Fenrir=WalkMePlz
Rodolphus=LongHaired_TWIN
Rabastan=ShortHaired_TWIN
Narcissa=same.sev
Barty=BartyTheParty
Sirius=BrighterThanYou
Remus=padfootNO
Corban=yyyaxleyyy
Nagini=hisshissbish

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

DANK DEATH EATER GROUP CHAT™

[2:55 A.M.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

AlbinoPeacock: Prepare for Trouble 

I'm.done: and make it double 

AlbinoPeacock: To Protect the World from Devastation

I'm.done: to unite all wizards within our nation

AlbinoPeacock: To Denounce the Evils of Truth and Love

I'm.done: to extend our reach to the stars above

AlbinoPeacock: Luci!

I'm.done: and sev.

AlbinoPeacock: Death Eaters, Blast Off At The Speed Of Light!

I'm.done: surrender now, or prepare to fight.

hisshissbish: Hyasssss Shaasssa

ReggieTheVeggie: ...

same.sev: ya'll are sooo gay

ReggieTheVeggie: ^yeah but

ReggieTheVeggie: who invited the snake??!?!

yyyaxleyyy: me

ReggieTheVeggie: okay but

ReggieTheVeggie: who invited you?

yyyaxleyyy: I've been here

yyyaxleyyy: I just haven't said anything 

THE_DARK_LORD: WTF NO ONE CARES

THE_DARK_LORD: ITS 3 A.M.

THE_DARK_LORD: STFU!!!!!!!!

Notes:

I'm not dead yet
I've just been busy
Sorry ಥ_ಥ

Chapter 4: ;P thot u saw the last of me

Summary:

so what if I went missing
sue me
let's do it babyyyy, i know the law

Notes:

hey pookies, i decided i'd treat myself after trying to write hannigram to some good old hp crack
while getting high as shit
chapters 1-3 are all 2018 humor so we about to flip it to 2024
be warned there is a dramatic shift cause mommas not a baby gay no more

-------Usernames---------
Regulus=ReggieTheVeggie
Voldemort=THE_DARK_LORD
Severus=I'm.done
Bellatrix=torturing.makes.me.happy
Lucius=AlbinoPeacock
Fenrir=WalkMePlz
Rodolphus=LongHaired_TWIN
Rabastan=ShortHaired_TWIN
Narcissa=same.sev
Barty=BartyTheParty
Sirius=BrighterThanYou
Remus=padfootNO
Corban=yyyaxleyyy
Nagini=hisshissbish

Chapter Text

DANK DEATH EATER GROUP CHAT™

ReggieTheVeggie: lucius

ReggieTheVeggie: lucius

ReggieTheVeggie: LUCIUS

ReggieTheVeggie: BITCH IM CALLING YOU

ReggieTheVeggie: MOMMY ANSWER

AlbinoPeacock: girl what...

ReggieTheVeggie: Why did you only answer to that?!

ReggieTheVeggie: sev come get ur freak

I'm.done: ...

LongHaired_TWIN: Nobody on this side of the Atlantic will ever match Lucius's freak.

same.sev: how could you even say that when sev is right there :(

I'm.done: wowwww really narcissa?

AlbinoPeacock: :'(

ReggieTheVeggie: anywhoooooo

ReggieTheVeggie: speaking of someone who matches my freak

ReggieTheVeggie added BartyTheParty to the DANK DEATH EATER GROUP CHAT™

BartyTheBarty: WHAT'S UP, ITS YA BOI

LongHaired_TWIN: Whaaaatttt, not this little shit.

BartyTheBarty: Rodolphus, I thought we had something special? :'(

BartyTheBarty: You were gonna tell your wife and everything...

torturing.makes.me.happy: ...

torturing.makes.me.happy: RoRo baby, what is this boy on about?

LongHaired_TWIN: Nothing, Trixie baby. He's just a little shit.

ShortHaired_TWIN: was gonna check in cause i felt a twin tingle in my nuggets, but now im just here for the popcorn

WalkMePlz: are you sure i cant interest you ina different kinda tingle in your nuggets ;)

ShortHaired_TWIN: ONMYWAY

THE_DARK_LORD: ABSOLUTE HARLOTS

THE_DARK_LORD: I JUST WANTED TO READ IN MY ROOM AND ENJOY QUALITY TIME WITH NAGINI

THE_DARK_LORD: BUT NOW I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HEARING TWO BITCHES IN HEAT THROUGH THE WALL

hisshissbish: hysshhhhh hissssahhhhhhhhh

THE_DARK_LORD: YOU ARE SO RIGHT BABY GIRL. WE WILL SPEND QUALITY TIME IN THE RED DRAWING ROOM WITH ABRAXAS' PORTRAIT.

THE_DARK_LORD: WE WISH NOT TO BE DISTURBED UNLESS IT IS URGENT.

THE_DARK_LORD: PLEASE ASK SEVERUS FIRST IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT URGENT MEANS

BartyTheParty: urm ok what the sigma

BartyTheParty: ok no actually what the fuck kind of welcome was that guys...

yyyaxleyyyy: Typical tuesday.

ReggieTheVeggie: it's not tuesday tho...

Chapter 5: shady has been back

Summary:

guess whos back
shady's back
tell a friends
actually, probs not, this shit is a little too embarrassing to tell your friends

Notes:

2024 humor back
less high this time
i think it is time for new usernames highkey

-------Usernames---------
Regulus=ReggieTheVeggie
Voldemort=THE_DARK_LORD
Severus=I'm.done
Bellatrix=torturing.makes.me.happy
Lucius=AlbinoPeacock
Fenrir=WalkMePlz
Rodolphus=LongHaired_TWIN
Rabastan=ShortHaired_TWIN
Narcissa=same.sev
Barty=BartyTheParty
Sirius=BrighterThanYou
Remus=padfootNO
Corban=yyyaxleyyy
Nagini=hisshissbish

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

WalkMePlz: hello anyone on

WalkMePlz: rab is passed out rn and im bored

LongHaired_TWIN: Why is my brother passed out???

I'm.done: why do you think, idiot...

LongHaired_TWIN: OMG EW

I'm.done: istg you literally walk into his trap every time

I'm.done: like literally ignore him or something smh

I'm.done: he's just a dog

AlbinoPeacock: A dawg, if you will.

WalkMePlz: im not your fuckjing dawg bitch

I'm.done: dawg...

ReggieTheVeggie changed WalkMePlz's name to dawg.

dawg: grrrr

dawg: don't get me started

ReggieTheVeggie: @ShortHaired_TWIN

ReggieTheVeggie: come get your dog, bitch

ShortHaired_TWIN: he dont bite!

LongHaired_TWIN: YES, HE FUCKING DO

ReggieTheVeggie changed ShortHaired_TWIN's name to allegeddawgfucker.

allegeddawgfucker: ayooo what was the reason :(

dawg: dont tell me your disappointed...

allegeddawgfucker: NOT BY THE NAME

allegeddawgfucker: just by it getting changed

dawg: oh

dawg: :)

ReggieTheVeggie: so easy to please

allegeddawgfucker: dont ignore me boy

ReggieTheVeggie: just thought the names could use some refreshing ya know

allegeddawgfucker: whatever

allegeddawgfucker: well now that im awake

allegeddawgfucker: @dawg

allegeddawgfucker: what are you wearing? ;)

dawg: nothing... ;))))

LongHaired_TWIN: EW!

I'm.done: it's the way you two are literally right next to each other and still decide to broadcast these things to the rest of us.

allegeddawgfucker: yall know your lives would be boring without us, stay mad

dawg: byeeee

ReggieTheVeggie: omg so over them

ReggieTheVeggie: who else wants a new name while i'm still feeling creative

torturing.makes.me.happy: Ouu me!

torturing.makes.me.happy: And a matching one for my RoRo, please!

ReggieTheVeggie: dw cuzzo i gotchu

ReggieTheVeggie changed torturing.makes.me.happy's name to literalinsanity.

ReggieTheVeggie changed LongHaired_TWIN's name to stickurdickincrazy.

ReggieTheVeggie: :)

BartyTheParty: hey it was great knowing you while it lasted

I'm.done: rip regulus

stickurdickincrazy: Haha, hey, what the fuck.

literalinsanity: Sleep with both eyes open, Regulus Black. Especially if you plan on keeping them. :)

ReggieTheVeggie: ...

ReggieTheVeggie: welp it's been nice knowing everyone

ReggieTheVeggie: make sure there's nice flowers at my funeral

I'm.done: dw i'll make sure to use lucius' card to pay for them

AlbinoPeacock: Keep your hands off my Gringotts card

same.sev: Lucius and I will provide plenty of flowers, don't worry, Reggie.

AlbinoPeacock: Still did not agree to that.

same.sev: I'm agreeing for you, don't argue.

AlbinoPeacock: No you're not.

same.sev: Yes, I am.

I'm.done: yes she is

ReggieTheVeggie: yes she is

BartyTheParty: yes she is

literalinsanity: Yes, she is.

stickurdickincrazy: Yes, she is.

allegeddawgfucker: yes she is

dawg: yes she is

THE_DARK_LORD: YES, SHE IS.

AlbinoPeacock: I can never win.

I'm.done: i don't know why you bother trying anymore

ReggieTheVeggie: its like we will always agree with our queen, cissy

ReggieTheVeggie changed same.sev's name to girlbosssupreme.

ReggieTheVeggie changed I'm.done's name to severelydone.

ReggieTheVeggie: i hope everyone else will enjoy their names

THE_DARK_LORD: OH WAIT, I WISH TO RENAME LUCIUS

ReggieTheVeggie: as you wish, my lord

THE_DARK_LORD changed AlbinoPeacock's name to IFUCKEDYOURDAD.

THE_DARK_LORD: MWAHAHAHA

THE_DARK_LORD: GOODBYE FOR NOW MINIONS, I HAVE MORE PRESSING MATTERS TO ATTEND TO

IFUCKEDYOURDAD: what the fuck

severelydone: pffffff

ReggieTheVeggie: HAHAHAHAHHA

IFUCKEDYOURDAD: Don't laugh at me you... you...

IFUCKEDYOURDAD: vegetable (derogatory)

BartyTheParty: OMG YOPU GOT DEAD PFF

IFUCKEDYOURDAD: Don't even get me started, you fruit

girlbosssupreme: LUCIUS!

ReggieTheVeggie: wait...

ReggieTheVeggie changed their name to vegetable.

vegetable changed BartyTheParty's name to fruit.

vegetable: thanks for the idea, lucius!

fruit: girl...

vegetable: shhh you know you like it

fruit: whatev

vegetable: do you think the dark lord would notice if i changed his name?

severelydone: do you value your life?

fruit: pfff

vegetable: not particularly :)

IFUCKEDYOURDAD: Do it, you won't.

fruit: NO BALLS

vegetable: well now i have to

THE_DARK_LORD: NO, YOU DON'T.

vegetable: omg you're sooooooo right, no i don't :)))

fruit: that's what i thought, coward

vegetable: i've already had two threats against my life today

vegetable: let me live

Notes:

-------Usernames---------
Regulus=vegetable
Voldemort=THE_DARK_LORD
Severus=severelydone
Bellatrix=totalinsanity
Lucius=IFUCKEDYOURDAD
Fenrir=dawg
Rodolphus=stickurdickincrazy
Rabastan=allegeddawgfucker
Narcissa=girlbosssupreme
Barty=fruit
Sirius=BrighterThanYou
Remus=padfootNO
Corban=yyyaxleyyy
Nagini=hisshissbish

Notes:

Comments are appreciated