Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kaminari: sticking a fork into an electrical outlet and pretending to be electrocuted in order to scare people is not hero behavior.

Kirishima: while having a catch phrase you shout to announce your arrival is perfectly fine, we recommend you choose a different one. "I'm rock hard" could be misconstrued, and there is a reason Mina suggested it to you.

Todoroki and Uraraka: the fact that Midoriya accidentally called All Might "dad" one time is not "indisputable evidence" that he is All Might's son.  Midoriya is not All Might's child, biological, adopted, or by marriage.

Todoroki and Uraraka: what do you mean "we can fix that"?

Shinsou: stop using your quirk to make Midoriya subtly flirt with everyone.  It's causing problems and the poor boy has no idea what he's doing.  He honestly believes your excuse of it being "for his own good" and "to help build confidence and break him out of his shell".

Shinsou: stop using your quirk to make Midoriya flirt overtly or at all.  1-A is on the brink of civil war, the other classes are brewing a reenactment of the Iliad complete with love-interest kidnapping, and once Bakugou snaps out of his shock from that last stunt he's going to go full Manhattan Project.

Tokoyami: walking up to a classmate, silently handing them a warm egg while making dead eye contact, then walking off is somewhat inappropriate.

Hatsume: "because I can" is a terrible excuse for doing something.

Hatsume: "because someone told me I couldn't" is even worse.

Yaoyozaru: while selling plushies and body pillows of your classmates is neither illegal nor against school rules, we must insist you ask permission of the models first.

Present Mic: B-flat at 194 decibels is not the appropriate response to losing an argument. You are an adult and a professional. Act like one.

Hagakure: humming the James Bond theme everywhere you go is not recommended, as it invalidates your primary attribute: stealth.

Hagakure: the Austin Powers theme isn't any better.

Hagakure: nor is the Pink Panther.

Mina: please stop sharing old spy movies with your classmates.  They're getting ideas.  Bad ones.

Asui: while attending the school Halloween party in a Greninja costume was clever, convincing people to feel your "scarf" was less so.

Asui: "It's their fault for not being nerd enough to spot the trap" isn't an excuse.  Midoriya was. You licked him anyway as a "prize".

Aizawa: after your nth petition to add "naptime" to the curriculum, we have decided to accept, providing you manage to convince your class of 20 teenagers to go along with it.

Aizawa: we don't know what you promised them, exactly, but apparently class 1-A agreed to the proposal. Nap-time is now scheduled for the period after lunch.

Bakugou: your inappropriate language is not only disruptive, but unbefitting of a hero in training. If you must express your negative emotions verbally, we insist you find other words to do so.

Bakugou: we deeply regret the previous memo. Please return to using your previous, less creative profanity, and please burn whatever thesaurus you seem to have gotten ahold of.

Bakugou: we understand you were displeased with Shinsou regarding the "Izuku incident", but adding nitroglycerin to his hair gel was not acceptable behavior.

Tetsutetsu: please refrain from challenging other students to games of chicken. Yes, this applies to Kirishima as well.

Recovery Girl: pretending to die of old age was funny precisely once. Please refrain from doing so again.

Recovery Girl: the same applies to feigned senility.

All Might: you may as well stop trying to hide your relationship with Midoriya.  You're not very good at being subtle, and at this point any further attempts will just fuel the rumors further.

Sero: when a classmate passes out from overworking themselves, the correct course of action is to carry or escort them to the nurse's office, not taping them to the ceiling "so they can rest out of the way."

Monoma: bringing alcohol into the dormitories is prohibited. You are all underage.

Monoma: copying Yaoyozaru's quirk without permission to produce alcohol within the dormitories is also prohibited, as well as rude.

Monoma: in light of Bakugou's far more pleasant behavior while intoxicated, alcohol is now permitted in the dormitories under the condition Bakugou is provided some.

All students: students are prohibited from adding or editing these memos.

Note: um, actually Aizawa wrote that one.  -(Uraraka)

Mineta: everyone knows you did it.  Return the stolen underwear.  Now.

Todoroki: stealing your classmates' underwear is extremely juvenile behavior.  As is gluing said underwear across the exterior of your father's hero agency. The fact that your classmates aren't angry at you is not an excuse.

Midoriya: referring to the number one hero as "Undevear" is rude. Funny, but rude.

Mina: Koda's pet rabbit is not the UA mascot.

Mina: neither is principal Nedzu. Please stop informing people otherwise.

Mina: apparently, principal Nedzu actually is the school mascot, and has since listed Koda's rabbit as the dorms mascot.

Midnight: the title of your class is "Health and Sex Education". Note the absence of anything regarding "and the Combat Applications Thereof".

Jirou: Kaminari is not "Zeus's moronic grandson". Implied divinity aside, insulting your classmates is frowned upon.

Jirou: Midoriya is not the son of Thor, either. We don't care if you think it "all makes sense now." Has Mina been sharing old movies again?

Uraraka: no that does not make All Might Thor. We've been over this.

Hatsume: constructing robotic replicas of your classmates is impressive. Installing an arc welder in robo-Midoriya's mouth, rotary saws on robo-Bakugo's hands, and setting robo-Ida's arms to gesticulate wildly at fifteen cycles a second is less so.  Also, please stop referring to them as "your babies". It's highly unsettling for everyone involved.

Midoriya: as the robots, due to some programming snag, only seem to listen to you apart from Hatsume, please ensure they don't cause too much trouble.

Midoriya: additionally, for future reference, when someone asks you to come with them, alone, to an isolated area, tell an adult first. Generally their motivation isn't "to imprint my babies on you".

All students: a set of the Terminator films were found in Hatsume's workstation, explaining the inspiration for her deathbot replicas. We don't know who thought it was a good idea to expose her to these films of all things, but we WILL find out, and you WILL receive detention.

Midoriya: we understand you grew attached to the robots, and are mourning their passing after the recent incident with the villains league, but please stop crying.

Bakugou: we understand that watching dangerous villains fleeing in panicked confusion from robotic teenagers can be amusing, but repeatedly recounting the story in front of Midoriya and Hatsume so soon is in poor taste.

Mina: Stop following Todoroki everywhere while singing "Hot n Cold".  He is going to freeze you to the wall eventually, and you will deserve it.

Kaminari: Telling Bakugou to "blow me" in an argument is an exceptionally poor idea, and you really shouldn't have needed to be told that.

Shinsou: We warned you. Since you didn't listen, you now have detention every day for the next month, which you will spend assisting Recovery Girl tend the more seriously injured and helping Cenentoss clear the rubble resulting from the "I'm Too Sexy for my Shirt" incident.

"It wasn't me this time."  -Shinsou

Bakugou: Instigating a bloody battle royale and then implicating your fellow student is highly unheroic behavior. Shinsou's detention has been transferred to you.

"Worth it." -Bakugou

Midoriya: If someone attempts to bribe you to do something, the correct course of action is to inform a teacher or other responsible adult, not go along with it.  Especially if it involves removing your clothing.

Midoriya: "But it was katsudon" and "I trust Kacchan" aren't excuses. It's still a bribe, and you really shouldn't.

Uraraka: You do not have the authority to declare "whoever defeats All Might in combat shall earn the hand of his son in marriage". Also, Midoriya isn't All Might's son. We've been over this.

Uraraka: The fact that All Might grabbed Midoriya and ran the moment he heard the declaration isn't "indisputable evidence" of anything but the fact that several dozen teenagers with superpowers were charging him with intent to maim.

Todoroki: You do not have the authority to declare "whoever defeats Endeavor in combat shall earn a date with Midoriya" even if you are his son. Apart from encouraging assault on a (technically) pro-hero, you can't make decisions like that for other people. Consent is important.

Midoriya: What do you mean "It's for a good cause"? Though admittedly you seem to have won the competition, making both the issue of your consent and the entire contest a moot point.

Sero and Kaminari: Gluing Aizawa's sleeping bag zipper shut while he was in it would normally earn you detention. You're being excused however, considering that the trauma of him chasing you down via sprinting-speed inchworm shuffle seems to have taught you your lesson better than any after-school session.

Aoyama: While your fluency in French is something to be proud of, you should not use it to trick your classmates into swearing in the language. Or teach them how to willingly, for that matter. Bakugou doesn't need more languages to defile, or assistance in offending an even greater population than he can already.

Midoriya: You do not need to demonstrate your mastery of English profanity either.  The fact that your classmates are too alarmed to emulate it is not an excuse.

Hatsume: A full two minutes of stunned silence means "my god what did you DO" not "please continue".

Chapter Text

Iida: As you seem to be the most responsible resident among the first years, we are appointing you to the position of Media Monitor.  This will entail making sure no dangerous or objectionable movies, books, games, comics, or other similar material is brought into the student dormitories.

Iida: To be explicit, this means don’t let anyone give Hatsume anything that could give her “ideas”.  No one wants a repeat of the Gurren Lagan Incident.

“Tell that to everyone she promised giant robots to.” -Nedzu

Bakugou: Plungers were invented for a reason, as were plumbers. If one of the toilets in the dorms is clogged, blowing it up should be the last course of action, not the first.

Todoroki and Uraraka: We have no solid evidence of your responsibility, or, for that matter, any idea how you even accomplished it, but genetic testing apparently now shows Midoriya to be Yagi Toshinori’s biological child. You are lucky no one’s pressing charges.

Todoroki and Uraraka: What do you mean “Phase one successful.”

Midoriya: The appropriate reaction to being subjected to genetic modification without your knowledge or consent is not thanking those responsible. Crying is understandable though.

All Might: Please stop crying. Suddenly ending up with a child may be a shock, but as a teacher you need to handle the situation professionally for your other students. Also Midoriya doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop until you do.

Hatsume: You are to desist in your solicitations of other students for “upgrading”, effective immediately.

Hatsume: Don’t play dumb. We’ve seen your blueprints, and no one would voluntarily consent to that.

All students: Midnight will be holding a lecture this Thursday on the legality, ethics, and necessity of informed consent for both medical operations and in interpersonal interactions.  Attendance is mandatory.

Lunch Rush: The next time the students break out into a cafeteria-wide food fight, put a stop to it instead of arming them further and providing encouragement.  Two students were sent to Recovery Girl from swordfish wounds, seven more from various burns, a tenth has cracked ribs from being hit by an entire roasted turkey like a cannonball, and the rest all have extensive scrapes and bruises. And as for the cafeteria itself, the less said about that mess, the better.

Kirishima: While we know you intend it as a complement, most women and teenage girls do not appreciate being called “manly”, much less loudly and publicly.

Yaoyozaru: If you must leave chemicals you are experimenting with lying around, please make certain to label them clearly and avoid using existing containers that may be misidentified.  Kirishima was highly distressed to find his hair dye replaced with human blood.

Yaoyozaru: The first time could be attributed to negligence, but the subsequent filling of Sero’s water bottle with vodka and the replacement of Kaminari’s toothpaste with pudding are decidedly less so. If you have an issue with your fellow dorm mates, please communicate this using words instead of passive-aggressive pranks.

All teachers: You are grown men and women. Take your flu vaccinations without screaming and property damage, or we’ll get Midnight to sedate you for them. She never complains about shots, and she loves drama more than any of you.

“That’s because she enjoys getting injections ;)” -Present Mic

“I will kill you in your sleep.” -Midnight

Kaminari: Stop asking Midoriya if he wants to smash you. We don’t care if “most of the student body want him to smash them”, you shouldn’t be trying to get a classmate to hit you.

Kaminari: We have been informed that “smash”, in this context, has a substantially different meaning. The previous memo still stands, however. And stop laughing.

“You can take our freedom but you can’t take our memes!” -The Students

All students and faculty: Midoriya was recently hit with a villain’s quirk that causes the victim’s dark side to manifest in a separate physical body. While “Yamikumo” has appeared to be relatively harmless and not much different from Midoriya himself thus far, we advise not taking any chances. Given what he did to the villain, and the behavior of previous entities produced by the Evil Twin quirk, we’re worried it’s just a matter of time before the other shoe drops.

Yamikumo: Please stop offering people “hugs”. No one believes that isn’t a euphemism for something horrible, and your psychotic murder-smile doesn’t help you look innocent either.

Midoriya: Please stop accepting your other self’s hugs. We don’t care if you “love your new brother”. He’s going to murder you. Or possibly kidnap you. Honestly at this point we aren’t sure.

Koda: While no one is blaming you for summoning woodland creatures to entertain your classmates, if you know who has been selling the resulting “Disney Deku” pictures among the student body, we request you remind them of Midnight’s consent lecture last week.

Shiozaki: While some degree of retaliation toward Mineta for his improper behavior is understandable, stomping on him until he needed to be sent to Recovery Girl is excessive.

“What’s wrong with deciding to make wine out of the grapes I pulled off my vines?” -Shiozaki

Present Mic: Please stop offering your students extra credit for learning English swears. They know enough in Japanese and French already.

Monoma, Aoyama, and Ojiro: If you absolutely must have a “who is the better disco ball” competition, at least make sure to have judges and/or people to get you down before you affix yourselves to the ceiling in a way you can’t undo yourselves.

Shinsou: Instigating a dorm-wide game of “enforced truth or dare” does not give you excuse to ignore the previous rules regarding use of your quirk to cause trouble. Yes, you technically got consent, but we don’t need another civil war.

Shinsou: Spin the bottle is equally inadvisable. Are you trying to cause chaos for us?

“I am a modern day Eris.” -Shinsou

Mina: Nomu are not kaiju, the League of Villains is not using the Pacific Rim films as inspiration, and the best course of action to counter the threat they pose is not “constructing a ton of jaegers to punch them”. The support department doesn’t have nearly enough material to build even one, anyway.

Mirio: Trial by combat is not an available option to get out of detention, and you are to stop informing younger students of such.

Mirio: Nedzu has informed us that a careful reading of the school rules does, in fact, allow for detention or other punishments to be waived in the event the student in question participates in battle against an attacking villain.  As such, we are preemptively reminding you that bringing a villain into the school for your friends to fight, just so they can get out of detention, is at least seven kinds of illegal.

Jirou: 3 A.M. is not an appropriate time to play extremely loud rock music.

Jirou: 3 A.M. is not an appropriate time to play extremely loud classical music either.

Jirou: Extremely loud pornography at 3 A.M. is just spiteful. Please keep any volume down between 9 P.M. and 9 A.M, and find a different way to protest.

Todoroki: If you do not wish to participate in bring your parent to school day, simply say so. You don’t need to wheel in a burning dumpster painted to look like your father’s costume and pretend it’s actually Endeavor. Though we question how you managed to convince Aizawa to hold an entire parent-teacher conference with it with a completely straight face.

“Are you telling me that wasn’t Endeavor?” -Aizawa

Uraraka: Yes, fine, we give up. Midoriya bringing All Might in for parent-teacher conferences is indisputable evidence that they’re father and son. You win.

Nedzu: Teaching Midoriya and Yamikumo to hack the National Quirk Registry does not constitute “healthy bonding time for the new siblings”. We don’t care if you think it’s funny. It’s illegal, and neither of them need further encouragement when it comes to flouting the rules.

Shoji: Stop challenging other students to “tongue wrestling”. The fact that you mean “a normal wrestling match wherein I change all my arms into tongues” just makes it worse.

Asui: We understand that you claimed the title of Tongue Wrestling Champion from Shoji in a stunning upset victory, but we request that you retire from the ring while still on top. You wouldn’t want to lose your title, would you?

Mina: Bakugo’s hero name is not Baron von Bitchface, and you will have only yourself to blame if you address him as that.

Recovery Girl: You are not “contractually obligated to refuse treatment for injuries sustained through idiocy.” That is the exact opposite of what your job is.

Faculty: Whichever staff member approved the students’ idea of a classic fictional villains theme for the cultural festival is going to be responsible for the cleanup. Kaminari has tazed three people and refuses to answer to anything but “Emperor Palpatine”, every sentence out of Todoroki’s mouth is an ice pun, Shiozaki appears to have gotten her hands on poison lip gloss, Iida seems to believe he is a robot assassin from the future, Tsunotori has charged through a load bearing wall while yelling “the Juggernaut is unstoppable”, and Midoriya is claiming to be a god and may actually be trying to take over the world.

Todoroki and Uraraka: To be honest, we were expecting “phase two” to be something a lot more ominous. Though we may still end up cringing ourselves to death from secondhand awkwardness. At least All Might and Mrs. Midoriya seem to be enjoying their date.

Midoriya: The cultural festival is over. You can stop now. We realize that you “have an army”, but we have the ability to assign you and your army detention.

All faculty and staff: Midoriya’s army has assimilated at least three quarters of the student body and taken over the entire North and West wings of the main building. Our defense of the laboratories and machine shops in the South wing is expected to fall within the hour. All Might is apparently on a date and unreachable, and several other teachers are unaccounted for following the initial chaos. Any that see this message are advised to take shelter in the fortified complex Cementoss has set up in the East wing gymnasium. Hopefully once the insurrection conquers the South wing, they’ll distract themselves by blowing things up long enough for us to regroup and contain this mess.

All students: As per the ceasefire negotiations, no detentions or equivalent disciplinary actions will be assigned regarding the recent Incident. In exchange, Midoriya has renounced his claimed godhood and disbanded his army. Additionally, all students in the hero course will be required to assist in the legal processing of the villains that attempted to infiltrate during the Incident and were subsequently hospitalized.

All Might: We hope you’re proud of your son.

All Might: The previous memo was intended to be sarcastic. Stop congratulating him. Yamikumo is a bad enough influence already.

Power Loader: Reports indicate that all the available resources in the support department have been lost in the recent Incident. Most likely they were destroyed in the numerous explosions that demolished much of the South wing over the week-long mess, but we recommend checking with your students to see if they were used to build anything. Especially Hatsume. Her room contained another set of the Terminator movies as well as the Star Wars prequels and a season of Battlestar Galactica. We shouldn’t need to explain why this is a concern.

Yamikumo: Slipping the watch of your supervisors for three days is considered cause for alarm. Smiling innocently to reassure them when you return doesn’t work when you also happen to be covered from head to toe with an alarming amount of blood. “I made a withdrawal at the blood bank” is not a reassuring excuse either.

“Hey! Everything I did was totally legal!” -Yami

Yamikumo: While there is nothing illegal about purchasing blood from a blood bank, we would very much like to know why you require 10 liters of it, and where you got the money. And what else you got up to while no one was watching.

Midoriya: Seriously. You shouldn’t be around your clone unsupervised. He may act more stable around you, but he’s clearly planning something. Stay near witnesses. Please.

Chapter Text

Musutafu Police Report, Detective Tsukauchi Naomasa

Case File: Midoriya Yamikumo

Code Designation: Oh God Not You Again

In light of the recent string of chaotic happenings, it has been deemed appropriate to both log the course of events and outline the roles of various individuals in said events.  What follows has been compiled from the reports of the various law enforcement and heroes, as well as the testimony of Principal Nedzu and the Midoriya twins.

(That damn rat is way too smug about this giant headache he’s made for everyone.  I don’t care how significant the results were, those kids get in enough trouble without official backing already.  Toshinori and Inko aren’t at all happy, and I’m aiming them squarely at him.  –Tsukauchi)

Last Monday, Midoriya Yamikumo slipped the watch of his handler while on the way to school with Midoriya Izuku.  When neither boy was located again, the school and police were notified.  Approximately two hours later, a video was broadcast across the web depicting Yamikumo stabbing Izuku in an alley with a knife made of shadows, and leaving him to bleed out on the ground.

(When the hell did he get the power to control shadows?  For that matter, since when can you stab someone with darkness?)

Yamikumo then proclaimed the attack to be his triumph over his other half and the heroes, and declared that the League of Villains should consider the video his audition.  Law enforcement were able to determine the video was sent from Izuku’s phone, and traced the source to the alley in the video.  They were unable to find either teen, but did find a large amount of blood.  Forensics determined that the blood was a genetic match to Izuku, and that survival would have been impossible from the amount lost on site.  Midoriya Izuku was declared missing and dead, and Yamikumo was issued a warrant of arrest for murder.

The following Thursday, the League of Villains launched an attack on UA’s campus as school was ending and engaged the hero course students in battle.

(As usual.)

(I bet they set it up to get out of detention.  No one runs into that many villains normally.)

(Stop hijacking my case files with your commentary, people.  –Tsukauchi)

The invading force consisted of most of the prominent known members of the League, as well as a small army of nomu, and was led by Yamikumo who announced he had usurped control of the organization.  Almost immediately after the battle started, however, a force of several dozen heavily armed robots broke through the ground from below and began fighting the invaders.

(Come to think of it, I should point Power Loader at Nedzu as well.  –Tsukauchi)

Midoriya Izuku also appeared along with the robots, offering the explanation that he had survived and faked his death, then hid in the basement of UA until his clone made a reappearance.  The two then fought, causing significant collateral damage, until Izuku stabbed Yamikumo with a piece of rebar from the rubble, then punched him into one of the damaged buildings causing it to collapse on him.

(Throw Cementoss at Nedzu too.  He can’t be happy about all the extra work.)

(That’s it, I’m putting a padlock on my desk.  Don’t you people have work to do?  –Tsukauchi)

After the apparent fatal defeat of their leader, the remainder of the villains either surrendered or were quickly taken down.  The robots assisted in the detainment of the nomu, and the students had their statements taken before being sent home.  Principal Nedzu then came forward with Izuku and an older woman who was introduced as Kyoka Suigetsu.

(Please tell me that’s not her actual name.  Please.)

(Yes.  It is.  And a certain someone in the office with a lockpicking quirk just lost their coffee privileges for the week.  –Tsukauchi)

Nedzu explained that the entire series of events had been planned out and carried out under his direction.  He then called for Yamikumo to join them, and the boy stepped out of a dark portal next to Izuku.

(That creepy kid can teleport now?  So much for getting a good night’s sleep ever again.)

(Consider it your punishment for annotating my paperwork when you have your own to do.  –Tsukauchi)

The Midoriya twins explained that they had discovered a woman with a powerful illusion quirk while browsing the National Quirk Registry, and had come up with a plan to infiltrate the League of Villains to either bring them down from within or lure them into a trap.  They then brought this plan to Nedzu, who approved it and helped them contact Miss Kyoka.  From there, they faked Izuku’s murder using a combination of illusions and several liters of blood that had been modified via the “TodoRaka” method to be genetically identical to Izuku.  Yamikumo was then contacted and recruited by the League of Villains as planned, and proceeded to immediately challenge Shigaraki for leadership.  He described how he “disarmed” and subdued the leader to take his place, and then directed the League into attacking UA at a known time when Nedzu would have a number of heroes on call to minimize the danger.  From this point Izuku, who had apparently been staying at UA hidden by Kyoka’s quirk, led the robot soldiers that a support student had created against the League, and fought his clone.  They then faked Yamikumo’s death to demoralize the villains and give the boy “plausible deniability” to avoid being arrested for walking around after his murder of a student.

Given that he was acting under approval from the UA principal, and did not actually commit any of the crimes he was accused of, Yamikumo has been cleared of all charges.  He was, however, required to officially register his quirk once his adoption into the Midoriya family was finalized.

(He tried to register it under the name “Selective Sociopathy”.  For crying out loud Toshinori, get your damn son to therapy.  Both of them.  –Tsukauchi)

In summary: UA is a hive of insanity run by a troll with unlimited funding, the Midoriya twins need better role models, there’s a video of the “robot v.s. kaiju war at UA” going viral across the internet, I’ve been told I’m going to be the best man at my friend’s wedding in two weeks and I haven’t had time to get a proper suit yet, and the break room is out of painkillers.  But hey, at least a bunch of villains were caught, and our latest local murder-celebrity apparently isn’t one after all.

(That’s not a very professional report summary, you know.)

(…I’m done.  I think I’m just gonna go find Murderdoriya and ask him to hospitalize me so I can get some peace.  –Tsukauchi)