Archive of Our Own ^beta

Coverartist:    reena_jenkins 

Warnings:  oral not!fic, Pre-OT3, Family, Sisterhood, sororities, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, pre-canon divergence, Wynonna has a better shot at the justice system, college car washes, sorority shenanigans, History Professor Doc Holliday, Wynonna learns How To People, Dolls learns How To People, Doc learns How To People, Everybody learns How To People, communication is important for relationships, therapy is helpful sometimes, Podfic Collaboration, Multi-voice Podfic, College Student Wynonna Earp

Length: 01:02:49

Download Link: You can download this podfic as an mp3 right over here (thanks for hosting us, paraka)

RJ:
Say that bit again.

DF:
Would I in fact, not even all that shamefully, read a fic where Wynonna — based on the text from last night, “my history Professor slid into my DMs... granted, I did give him ‘fuck me’ eyes during a lecture a few times” — would I in fact read the fic where Wynonna is in the class of hot history professor Doc Holliday? Yes. Yes I would.

RJ:
Because she did have that line about how juvenile record is supposed to be sealed, so what if as part of her rehabilitation getting out of juvie, she’s on a scholarship.

DF:
Okay, I’m listening.

RJ:
she's got some sort of, like, there’s some sort of contingent — it’s one of those, like, we’re making an example of small town whatever and if you don’t do the — so we have the chance to do a little bit, uh, wacky judging! Like how in Stick It she has to go to gymnastics camp instead of doing time.

DF:
Instead of doing time.

RJ:
So like Wynonna has to go to college and she's like how the fuck do I act around normal people and it's just the most ridiculous because she's been repressing this whole, like, you can't say the demons are real, you can't talk about revenants, and then she shows up in this class where the professor is literally teaching about the history of the revenants

DF:
oh no! Ahhh! yes!!!

RJ:
So like —

DF:
he’s just talking! he's just talking about, like, Wyatt Earp and demons and stuff and she's sitting in this class going “oh my God I, am going out of my mind!”

RJ:
and you also have a little bit of a B plot which is Wynonna Earp just wants a goddamn latte from the Tim Hortons in the student common—

DF:
Oh, you’re working that in. You’re working that in here.

RJ:
We are working that in that Wynonna Earp wants the goddamn latte, and every time she goes for coffee, *snaps* the professor is there —

DF:
Oh, okay.

RJ:
So that derails it a little bit and that gives me a little bit of a fun[?] right there, put in my two loves of hot professor and coffee. Well, the three loves would be hot professor, serial killer, and coffee, but you know, we’re not going to make that the AU. That’s a slightly different AU. But Wynonna, she has to maintain a certain grade point average or something. She has to maintain a certain standing in her classes as part of a, you know, for two years until she hits 21 or something. So it’s just after, just after she’s no longer a minor but she’s not old enough to drink yet. So they have her on not quite probation, but a—

DF:
Well, it’s Canada, isn’t she allowed to drink at like — I don’t remember what the Canadian drinking rules are.

RJ:
Oh, that’s right, we’re still in Canada, we’re not in the part of the Triangle that’s in —

DF:
We’re not in Montana! We’re not in the tiny sliver of — I mean we could be in the tiny sliver of Montana if you wanted

RJ:
No, she’s Canadian, she’s Canadian, that’s true. But like, so it’s sort of this weird state of, she’s an adult in the eyes of the court but they have her on, like, almost academic probation so that she can get back in touch with Waverley, maybe?

DF:
Oh, okay!

RJ:
She has to set a good example, and they’re like, it’s like one of those “we are a very small town with a very small jurisdiction and we’re allowed to set weird personalized punishments.”

DF:
Okay. Handwave.

RJ:
Handwave, handwave. Like in Stick It. You have to go to gymnastics camp instead of going to juvenile detention. So it’s a little bit Wynonna figuring out her balance between repressing the shit out of everything and also “now I have this freedom to be myself,” because everyone’s always, “oh, college is a new experience where you find who you are.”

DF:
College is also a fresh start! No one at college knows that —

RJ:
Yes!

DF:
Like, no one at college is looking at her and thinking all this shit that everybody in her small town is looking at her and thinking—

RJ:
Nobody — where the first thing they think is “Wynonna killed her daddy,” you know? Nobody the first thing they think is, Wynonna and whatsername’s boyfriend on prom night. If people are going to think, oh, Wynonna is a slut or whatever, that’ll be because she’s going out of her way to make that reputation. It’s a fresh start, it’s not built into it.

DF:
Exactly.

RJ:
And then, like, it’s not stuff she necessarily would’ve cared a lot about at first, like math 101, like she’s sort of - “I’m over this,” but at the same time having the freedom to figure out who Wynonna is without the weight of the Earp legacy and also the weight of the Earp family within Purgatory —

DF:
Yesssssss! Oh my god, yes. This is a lot, emotionally.

RJ:
So what if some reason or another, while in juvie, Wynonna manages to AP out of the freshman intro and that’s how she ends up in Doc’s class? Because she’s already got her freshman intros out of the way and she can start taking this specialized historical stuff. And she takes it originally because she thinks it’s going to be a laugh. She thinks she’s going to sit in the back of the classroom and be like “I know what’s real, and you’re wrong,” in her head, the entire time.

DF:
Also she makes incredibly terrible self-destructive decisions, so this is just like another one of those, yeah — seems entirely in character.

RJ:
And then it turns out that hot professor Doc Holliday is teaching this class and he’s teaching it with seriousness! He prefaces it with saying that these are all local legends, but he teaches them with sincerity.

DF:
Yes! He does occasionally make jokes, but, you know, they’re like, they’re not like jokes about, oh, foolish people who believe this, or whatever, you know, it’s just like

[7:21]

RJ:
And it’s not mean jokes, like, Wyatt Earp shouldn’t have fucked a prostitute and that’s why you exist, like what’s his name in the beginning of the thing, the one who turned out to be a demon and got his tongue ripped out.

DF:
Yes.

RJ:
They’re like, Wyatt Earp wanted to be a farmer! Can you imagine if we’d had that story instead, you know? And she’s not sure if she should say anything, because she’s finally gotten into the habit of deny deny deny, of course Daddy didn’t shoot the revenants, of course it wasn’t demons coming through the window that took Willa, of course it was just PCP. You know? So you’ve got that give and take, that push pull right there, where Wynonna is balancing who she was with “no, I’m making a fresh start, I’m going to be the opposite of that Wynonna.”

DF:
Yes! Oh man.

RJ:
She probably rushes a sorority.

DF:
OH MY GOD.

RJ:
Cause she’s gong the opposite direction and she’s distancing herself from

DF:
Okay but she would hate that, though, like she would go to one of those rush parties and at least - okay. No disrespect to sororities or whatever, I’ve known some lovely people who’ve been in sororities, I’m just saying if we’re talking like a stereotypical -

RJ:
Greek fusion?

DF:
Yeah, like—

RJ:
Canadian Greek!

DF:
Uhhhhhhhhhhh. It would be a whole roomful of Chrissys.

RJ:
Ohhh.

DF:
Yeah, didn’t think about that, did you!

RJ:
Well, I feel like Wynonna would be looking for, like, “I can’t talk to Waverley right now because every time I do it brings something back” —

DF:
So she’s trying to learn how to fit in that whole roomful of Chrissys? She’s trying to learn how to be normal for Waverley. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

RJ:
So that when they have family weekend, she can show Waverley and also Gus and what’s Gus’s husband’s name, the dead one.

DF:
Don’t remember.

RJ:
Gus and Gus’s husband — that she is putting in normal.

DF:
Ohhhh, and there — they would be so happy to come visit her at college and see all of these nice girls that she’s made friends with, who wear the nice outfits and do their hair well, and wear nice makeup, and have nice boyfriends—

RJ:
Yes. And then Wynonna —

DF:
And she hasn’t slept with any of their boyfriends!

RJ:
And Waverley would be so excited, because her sister’s going to college, and I feel like even, like, what, 13 year old Waverley was just as much of a academic decathlon —

DF:
Tiny passionate nerd?

RJ:
Yes. Tiny mathlete, tiny, like, debate club kinda person, so she’d be so excited that her sister is going to college. And Wynonna would be like, “Yes, this is definitely me trying and not at all failing.”

DF:
Right! Like, “Yay, look how happy I am,” and not about, like, how much I hate X thing, which I’m trying to pretend isn’t happening, or whatever. How the cracks definitely aren’t showing at all here, nope.

RJ:
Right. Although she probably does join, like, some kind of martial arts club.

DF:
Yes. Something that lets her beat up people. Or like boxing or something.

RJ:
She goes for a cardio kickboxing class at the student union gym, and then after cardio kickboxing it is MMA class.

DF:
Ohhhhhhhhhhh

RJ:
She goes to cardio kickboxing with sorority girls and then she stays for MMA grappling and takedowns, and then slowly finds a family of people who also like beating on each other.

DF:
A lot of people with broken noses.

RJ:
It’s a good way to get her aggression out. And then she has —

DF:
Okay, wait. If theoretically we wanted to work Dolls into this, and you’re talking about family that she meets at her MMA class, what if — so obviously we don’t at this point, just past season 1, we don’t know what the fuck is up with Dolls and the lizard stuff, but what if Dolls has been sent to, like, college too —

RJ:
He’s a foreign exchange student. Because he’s American.

DF:
—And they’re trying to make sure he can, like, fit in and — you know, with the lizard stuff and everything.

RJ:
*laughing* He’s a foreign exchange student, though! Because he’s American!

DF:
But is he working with Black Badge yet, or not? I was wondering if Black Badge had already had their hooks in him. They sent him off to college to, you know—

RJ:
Can you do undercover and pass as normal.

DF:
Exactly.

RJ:
And what is more stress test than...

DF:
Living around a bunch of horny college kids all at once?

RJ:
Yes?

DF:
Oh, I like that.

RJ:
Are they, like, study buddies?

DF:
I was just imagining them meeting in this MMA class.

RJ:
Ok.

DF:
And he like trounces her the first few times and then eventually she starts to hold her own.

RJ:
Yes! Cause he’s enhanced at this point, still, he’s got whatever it is that’s making him lizardized. Wynonna doesn’t have heir super reflexes, so the day that she does take him down, it is a well-deserved victory dance. A well-deserved victory dance. But like, I just really like this idea of Wynonna trying to figure out — so she’s going from casual class-related conversation to “let’s talk a little more in-depth about the Earps” to “Suddenly I’m twitter friends with my professor? And we’re talking about random stuff? And we ran into each other at the Tim Hortons at the student union! I want that goddamn latte!” And then it’s the end of the semester, she’s handed in her paper, he is no longer — well, he’s still technically her professor for another three days because the semester isn’t officially over yet, and she mentions that she’s going — yeah, she’s going home to Purgatory because she’s allowed to see Waverley now. Well, no, hang on. I feel like there’s something in there about, there’s gotta be something about, like, once the grades come in that—

DF:
Ohhhh, okay. It’s based on, like, she has to do well enough—

RJ:
Right. Like, now you’re a positive influence. And then he slides into her DMs.

DF:
I like this.

RJ:
And then over winter vacation, she ends up, like, chatting with him in a significantly more casual and, like, it’s a lot easier to ignore the differential between professor and student when you’re talking to someone whose handle is “TheRealDocHolliday.” You know?

DF:
*laughing*

RJ:
He just sounds like a Wyatt Earp groupie all of a sudden!

DF:
Uh huh.

RJ:
He sounds like any one of the ridiculous — like, guys who show up at Shortys for booze and cowboy Friday nights. So it’s a lot easier to just talk to this guy. And then winter break is over, she is on —

DF:
But also presumably she has been lowkey hitting on him every time she went to office hours that semester.

RJ:
Oh, absolutely. Because Wynonna “what’s better than dynamite? BOOBS” Earp is absolutely going to be like — she’s not going to be like “this is my lucky scrunchy, I passed class because I was wearing my lucky scrunchy” “you passed your class because you—”

DF:
“Because you gave professor Montoya a lap dance after the final” “LUCKILY”

RJ:
She’s not quite there, but she’s absolutely pushing the line a little bit. And it’s very easy to forget that line is there over winter break, when what starts as chatting ends as sexting, and maybe it’s not, she knows enough not to put her face in the photos, but there’s a little of that going back and forth.

DF:
Does he know - but he knows it’s her, right? Or does he not know it’s her?

RJ:
Again, W. Earp! If she has to hand in anything online, if he bothers to look at anything -

DF:
No, but I mean her DMs, when he’s sliding in, does he know that it’s her, or does he just think that it’s someone on twitter? He knows it’s her, right?

RJ:
He knows it’s her.

DF:
But also, here’s my question. Would she have gone to college under a fake name, to prevent her classmates from being able to google her and be like, WYNONNA EARP KILLED FATHER, you know, whatever Purgatory local—

RJ:
ohhhhhhh

DF:
— not necessarily, I just threw it in there as an option —

RJ:
Because people are dicks.

DF:
Because people are dicks. To prevent her — to allow her to get a properly fresh start, fi that is the point of this handwavey punishment, letting her change — is it Winchester?

RJ:
*starts laughing*

DF:

I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.

RJ:
It is now!

DF:
Is it Summers?

RJ:
This is a universe where Supernatural is a TV show you can watch. Supernatural’s on, what, season 7 at this point in this universe? They have watch parties. It drives Wynonna up the wall. Her sorority are drooling over Sam and Dean and she’s like, THAT IS NOT PROPER GUN MAINTENANCE. And they’re all like “What?” and she’s like “Hick country,” and they’re all like, “Yes, okay. Wynonna comes from tehe backwoods where we shoot things. Where we stab things.” So she passes off a lot of stuff like that, the things that she’s not quite able to repress, as being from a town so small ti doesn’t have a census. You know? So she passes off some of her rough edges like that. But her sorority definitely has Supernatural watch parties every week and it drives her nuts. So she’s, yeah, Wynonna Winchester. “This show’s been making my life hell for years.”

DF:
*CRACKING UP* Oh man, I love it.

RJ:
Soooooo Doc Holliday, hot professor, is chatting with Wynonna Winchestter, who has been flirting with him at office hours, at all hours of the day.

DF:
Uh huh.

RJ:
And then it gets to be like, you know, it’s real easy to take that extra step when you’re teting, but then winter break is over and she has to go back to campus.

DF:
But she’s no longer in his class, right? Unless she’s really a masochist, which...

RJ:
She;s no longer in his class, which means that when she actively seeks him out, it is a declaration of FEELINGS.

DF:
Oh my god, it IS. Or at least a declaration of wanting to bone. Ahhhhhh. But yes, because she doesn’t have the excuse of, well, I’m not in your class anymore… When I show up to office hours, I technically shouldn’t be. It’s just because I wanna hit on you and laugh about American history.

RJ:
And of course that’s when Doc has the weird crisis of conscience because now that she’s no longer his student, he’s like… Shit! I’m getting emotionally attached!

DF:
YESSSSS. This does not fit into my long-term plans! Of killing the Stone Witch and then dying possibly!

RJ:
And then it’s just like, Is it just fake names on both sides until she leaves school?

DF:
Ohhhhhhhhh. Yes!! Yeah I bet it is. Like, he knows that something shitty happened to her, but she doesn’t talk about it.

RJ:
Right. Maybe every so often she’ll drop something about, like, foster care. Or juvie. But she won’t say anything about why she got there.

DF:
Yeah.

RJ:
I’m also imagining that at some point in like very early or very late in the year, either very beginning of fall semester or very end of spring semester, her sorority has a carwash for fundraising.

DF:
Oh my god.

RJ:
And Doc deliberately gets his car dirty.

DF:
Oh my goddddd.

RJ:
It’s very Bring It On.

DF:
Ohhhhhh man. The more I think about it, the more fond I get of the idea of Wynonna growing reluctantly fond of these sorority girls, who — she didn’t think she would like them, but she’s spent a few years with them now and she’s invested!

RJ:
She initially rushed it for cover, to be like, look at me being normal, and now she cares!

DF:
Yeah! And she’s the one in their sorority house who will be like, “DUMP HIM, YOU DESERVE BETTER,” she has no patience for the shithead dudes that they date sometimes.

RJ:
Yesssssssssss. Just like, Wynonna Winchester having all of these, this is the stereotypical college experience, and basically approaching it like a checklist. I have to be able to tell Waverly that I did this thing and that thing. And then she slowly comes to actually enjoy the things that she’s doing.

DF:
Yes!!!!

RJ:
And then — does she go to the student resource center and find a counselor?

DF:
WHAT IF a condition for her going to school instead of juvie or wherever, or jail or whatnot, is that she has to be seeing a school-approved counselor throughout the entire time that she’s there?

RJ:
Yes. Yes.

DF:
It’s just like, well, we can give this to you, but first of all we’re going to need thorough records from your academic advisors that you’re doing well with your grades and everything, and also we’re going to need you to do therapy.

RJ:
Yes! And she starts to work through her trauma!!!

DF:
I mean it’s hard because she has to lie about certain stuff.

RJ:
Yeah, but like, maybe they think she’s talking metaphorically instead of talking crazypants.

DF:
YES.

RJ:
Because these people don’t know the Earp family reputation!

DF:
Okay, wait, no, it’s like Linda! It’s Linda in Lucifer! Like, okay, this is clearly a helpful coping metaphor for you, so let’s just go with this in our sessions!

RJ:
Yes! And she actually starts to make progress a little bit, because there isn’t that in-built baggage of everyone in town already knows everything my family’s done for the last 80 years. There isn’t that, Earp family lives on the outside of town homestead with, you know, guns and rocks. There isn’t that baggage. So when she says, “My family’s demons killed my sister,” the counselor thinks she’s talking about, like, alcoholism.

DF:
Yeah! And the counselor also hears her talking about how her dad was always training Willa to shoot guns and always be prepared and be ready to take on the legacy and the counselor is appropriately, like —

RJ:
This is not a healthy —

DF:
Wow, this is like the least healthy parent, growing up relationship, this is a fairly toxic dysfunctional family, and starts helping Wynonna work through that.

RJ:
Yes!!!!

DF:
Like, Wynonna doesn’t realize that she’s been kind of—

RJ:
Holding onto this and internalizing this in a way that’s super unhelpful? Ahhh. Also Wynonna develops a very very fondness for, like, soft serve on waffles. DINING HALL FOOD.

DF:
Yessss. Oh my god. Wynonna Earp can just POLISH OFF, just — Wynonna EArp goes to the dining hall and fucking destroys.

RJ:
Wynonna Earp gets her money’s worth.

DF:
She comes out and she’s got like a plateful of five waffles, soft serve, cereal, you know, chocolate sauce — everything that she can pile on top and she just goes for it.

RJ:
Ice cream waffle taco?

DF:
Yesssss.

RJ:
She invents ice cream waffle taco night for her sorority.

DF:
Oh my god. yes.

RJ:
And then family weekend happens and she makes an ice cream waffle taco for Waverly, and it’s like sisterly bonding! Wherein you fill a waffle with ice cream and fold them up on the sides and possibly you put some fruity pebbles on top for flavoring. A ice cream waffle taco.

DF:
Or like, you know, you get raspberry sauce, and that’s your fruit content for the day.

RJ:
Wynonna having to figure out that she needs something green in every meal otherwise she will get scurvy.

DF:
Yes! I was just thinking that! Wynonna Earp has to learn about vegetables!

RJ:
It comes up because of a mention in one of Doc Holliday’s lectures, about scurvy and tuberculosis. And like, fucking dysentery. You have died of dysentery! And then it gets a little bit hard, because, like, something something sorority event, Wynonna is the person that everyone tries to drink under the table—

DF:
And everybody fails to drink under the table?

RJ:
Yes. But then when she mentions it to her counselor, it’s like… maybe that’s not a great thing at 19? So like, they talk about that a little, and they talk a little bit about, where does the, like, this is for fun and this is for coping?

DF:
Forgetting all of my problems?

RJ:
Yes. And Wynonna maybe doesn’t fall into quite so destructive a habit because she has a counselor’s support and she has an athletic outlet with Dolls and she has a house full of girls who are all, like, just as much as she’s saying, “Dump him” to girls making stupid choices, she’s got her, what is it, her big sister? What’s the — bigs and littles?

DF:
I guess so.

RJ:
There’s somebody there that when she joined the sorority was her big, and is now like, “Hey, you want to think about that for a sec? You’re about to make a bad decision.” And like, maybe calling Wynonna on it makes her make worse decisions, but at least she’s thinking about it, and not just reflex, “This is what my daddy did.” So maybe she also makes bad decisions, but there’s a thought process there.

DF:
WAIT. Also though, there’s always gonna be the times when she gets mad, she’s frustrated that she has to be there, she’s frustrated that, you know, all this shit happened — Wynonna’s got a lot of reasons to be angry, but she seems like the sort of person —

RJ:
She wouldn’t have chosen this.

DF:
When she’s in a position, there are times when, as you said, she’s gonna get pissed off, she’s gonna snap, she’s gonna be nasty, she’s gonna kind of go away, but because she’s in this position where she does have to, for X reasons, she has the sorority for a purpose. If she were there just because she wanted to be, then maybe it would be like, well I’m being nasty and I’m gonna go away forever and never talk to you again. But she’s gotta stay in good with these girls, which means that she has to learn things like apologizing!

RJ:
She ends up doing something ridiculous like out of Not Another Teen Movie!

DF:
She has to figure out how to go back and be like, “I’m sorry that I hurt you and I will try to do better.” And actually try and do better! Because they’re forgiving but they’re not going to let her just, you know...

RJ:
What is it, SACRIFICE YOURSELF ON THE ALTAR OF DIGNITY AND EVEN THE SCORE.

DF:
Yes!

RJ:
She goes over the top in her first attempt at apology, and it just...

DF:
And they have to be like, “Wynonna, this is so… this is so… but you didn’t have to, you could’ve just started with ‘I’m sorry’!”

RJ:
Yes! And she has to...

DF:
Wynonna learns how to be, how to do friends.

RJ:
Goes to college and learns to people and also ends up having raunchy digital sex with her no-longer-a-professor. It just, I want her to have nice things. And I want her to work through it.

DF:
Well, if you want her to have nice things she can also have sex with Dolls! They have post workout hookups.

RJ:
THEY DO.

DF:
And she’s got hot professor hookups. And it takes her a while to realise that she’s not just, like, no strings attached with either of them, she’s got weird complicated feelings going on, and this is complicated and terrible and she has to have, she like — she’s spent so many years looking at her sorority sisters having all these over the top romantic dramas and being like, “That’ll never be me,” and now she is the one who has to be like, “...fuck. I might need some advice on this.”

RJ:
Yessss.

DF:
Talks to her sorority sisters, talks to her therapist — reluctantly, but she does!

RJ:
And then somebody says that she should get them, somebody makes the — I don’t know if it’s helpful point, that she should get them both in the same room and see how she… Because she’s not sure if she can pick who she’s supposed to… Because she’s thinking very binary, so it’s like, well, just be in the same room as both of them and see which one you’re drawn to. And then it just ends up being like, her laughing hysterically internally and stone-faced on the outside of their dynamic with each other. It’s just like, they’re both needling each other and she’s like, “I didn’t realise you could do that at the trailers for Avengers 1!” The trailers are for like, The Bee Movie. “I didn’t realise you could get into, like, locking horns of macho-off over the size of your popcorn.” and she’s having just as much fun watching them interact as she is interacting with either one of them. So I feel like what happens in this universe is she dates both.

DF:
Dolls is probably a grad student, maybe.

RJ:
I’m cool with that. Maybe he’s leading, he’s one of the advisors for MMA club. He’s the student who’s going for extracurricular points, he’s the instructor type. So when she does manage to take him down, it’s a big deal for a lot of people. I feel like in this universe she ends up dating both of them and they’re both aware that she’s dating both of them, and they’re very upfront about it, and maybe they’re not dating each other yet but like, they have to be aware of each other and cordial with each other, and then eventually we get to a place —

DF:
Eventually they’re gonna all bone, yeah.

RJ:
But right now it’s just like, I’m out with Doc and then I mention, “Well, Dolls can do this thing,” and he tries to one-up Dolls so she gets super bendy sex, and then she’s with Dolls, and she mentions, “Well, Doc has feelings about blah blah blah,” and she gets super intellectually stimulating Dolls, and they’re both trying to one-up each other even though they’re not there, and — they don’t have an issue with her dating both of them, but they also keep needling—

DF:
They’re just kind of competitive.

RJ:
Exactly. And then her sorority sister is like, “Oh, I thought you were going to pick one, not… this, but this is working for you! Good job, girl! Good job!”

DF:
“Get that D, girl.”

RJ:
So then Dolls slides into her DMs too, so she just has a group message of boobs and dicks.

DF:
Oh mannn.

RJ:
And yet it works for them! So like, that’s great!

DF:
It does!

RJ:
So eventually she only was required to go for two years

DF:
Okay.

RJ:
Because at that point the court’s like, this is no longer mandatory, you have fulfilled your ability to be a productive citizen, positive influence, whatever.

DF:
Maybe it’s like, if she were to go to jail it would be for X time so you have to go to college for X time.

RJ:
I like that. And then she decides she’s going to stick with it. She’s not going to drop out just because it’s no longer required.

DF:
That would just be proving all those assholes from her high school right!

RJ:
Right. Because Wynonna is primarily motivated by—

DF:
Spite!

RJ:
Spite and whiskey! But in this universe, just spite! So there’s like a small stressful plot moment because funding, like, her state-sponsored tuition is a certain amount of money but it’s not being, like, paid for by the justice department? Or something?

DF:
Bear in mind that going to public college in Canada is cheaper than going to public college in the US. Or university. They don’t call it college in Canada because they’re like British people.

RJ:
But I feel like, if we had a moment of tension there it would be a good reason for her sorority to have another car wash! The Wynonna Earp scholarship! They want to keep her, so they’re helping her fundraise!

DF:
OH NO I LOVE IT.

RJ:
And then like Waverly, because at this point Waverly’s in high school right, she’s a freshman, either late freshman or early sophomore — so Waverly convinces all the members of the key club and the football team and the homecoming committee to drive their cars up to the Wynonna Earp fundraising car event on the college campus.

DF:
This sounds like a bad combination. Like...

RJ:
Wynonna is overwhelmed by this show of solidarity and also she’s not here for this pressure.

DF:
Yeah, but also like, her happy college life and her shitty high school life — okay, well —

RJ:
Waverly’s trying. Waverly’s trying.

DF:
Oh no, Waverly is trying, and it’s like the sweetest thought and actually amazing that it even works, but Wynonna is stressing out because like...

RJ:
These are people who knew the old me, and now they’re gonna meet people who know the new me, and someone’s gonna say something.

DF:
Yes.

RJ:
Ahhhhhhhhh!

DF:
And like, someone does say something maybe, but it’s okay because Wynonna’s sorority has closed ranks around her and are like, “I’m sorry, are you insulting my sorority sister? Because I’m gonna have to politely ask you to remove yourself.”

RJ:
HA. YES. YES. It’s someone like Chrissy. Although no, Chrissy ended up being a good friend to Waverly.

DF:
Yeah, it’s the other one who—

RJ:
It’s the engagement girl. She tries to say something uber bitchy, and then Wynonna’s sorority sisters close ranks, and it’s a beautiful moment.

DF:
And Wynonna does later have to be like — I don’t remember, who is the… Maybe it’s the girl who, Wynonna slept with her boyfriend or something, and Wynonna does later have to be — or something like that, the engaged girl, she mentions something about how Wynonna is a giant skank or whatever, and Wynonna does later ashamedly tell her sorority sisters like, well, I did sleep with several other girls’ boyfriends in high school. And they’re like, “Most of us have done that at one point or another too, it sucks, you learn from it, you become a better person, you grow, you don’t make the same mistakes over again.”

RJ:
Jessie did that last week!

DF:
And she feels really bad about it, don’t you, Jessie!

RJ:
And then Wynonna gets moral support from her peers! So when the forgiveness barber demon pops out of the mirror, she doesn’t have that on her conscience. So in the future, we have made, we have come to terms with our own moments. And like, Waverly was trying so hard to be supportive, and then like, Wynonna doesn’t really know how to respond to that, so she thinks she’s gonna close off, but Waverly doesn’t let her!

DF:
Awwwwwww!

RJ:
Because Waverly’s been working on fixing her relationship with her sister too, so it’s not only, you’re the little girl I must protect and exclude from my life, it’s like, we have a dialogue and I’m making an effort to reach out and talk to you at least once a week, and we have conversations and emotional connection, it’s not just me putting you in this box.

DF:
Wynonna is working with her therapist on ways of connecting with Waverly in like, you know, good ways — like, Wynonna does not set out in these therapist appointments to be a healthy person, it’s more like Wynonna accidentally trips into growing as a person. But like, she mentions something about her relationship with WAverly and the therapist eventually teases it out of her.

RJ:
Yes!! Because it’s a little bit, I have to protect her because there’s no one left, and it’s a little bit tied up with, I couldn’t save my older sister when the gang on PCP —

DF:
And a little bit of — yeah, exactly, and a little bit of I’m just going to fuck her up by being around her, it’s safer for her if I’m not.

RJ:
Right, if it’s tied up with Wynonna’s own self-loathing about, will I rub off on her because everyone thinks that I’m not worth anything? And her counselor points out, look at all the things you’ve accomplished, look at all the ways you’ve grown, don’t you want Waverly to also grow and accomplish things? If you keep putting her in this box of, tiny baby who must stay, you know, the twelve year old that she was when you left, she’s not going to grow as a person either and you don’t want that for her, you want the best for her, So her therapist almost couches it in, you’re doing it for her more than you’re doing it for you—

DF:
Ohhh, very smart!

RJ:
So Wynonna is good for that. Oh no. The rest of the key club and the homecoming cub and the football team all go home and Waverly stays with her sister and she meets Doc.

DF:
Yes!!!!! And she’s been like, so good — OH, OKAY, she’s been so good about referring to herself as Waverly Winchester, stuff like that, and she slips up and she mentions that she’s Waverly Earp, and Doc is like, “You’re what now?” And then Doc has the realisation that he’s been sleeping with the descendant of Wyatt this whole time and never realised it!

RJ:
So of course, he pulls away, and Wynonna thinks it’s something she did, and she thinks she was reaching for too much, she thinks it’s when you start to trust people that they let you down —

DF:
Too many things were going right in her life.

RJ:
Yes. The other shoe is finally dropping, and she starts blaming herself again. And then because of that, she also pulls away from Dolls, because she thinks she can’t have good things. So she doesn’t channel her energy into her relationship with Dolls, she retreats inwards—

DF:
Is this leading to Dolls going to yell at Doc? Because like...

RJ:
And then they make out angrily in the office?

DF:
I mean I’d be here for that… Or like, Dolls is looking for Wynonna or something and he tries looking in Doc’s office and Doc is like, “No, I haven’t seen her in a few weeks?”

RJ:
He’s not subtle about, like, there was an issue, and Doc is thinking of it as being his own problem, you know, that he can’t say anything about because how can you tell someone that you’re 130 years old and that you used to bang their great-great-granddaddy? And Dolls is thinking that it’s more, like, I wasn’t expecting feelings, and Wynonna is thinking it’s all her fault. Because you can’t just make forward motion forever and ever and keep getting better, you always fall backwards a little bit. So this is the part where we have to see if any of those pauses of patterns that her counselor’s been thinking of and trying to teach her actually help. Aaaaaaaand, drama. Just like, so much melodrama of the everybody is unhappy and nobody’s talking to each other and they’re all blaming themselves, except for Dolls, who’s blaming both of his — he’s blaming everybody else, because he didn’t do shit.

DF:
He did not do shit!

RJ:
He’s been a good boyfriend and he does not deserve this nonsense. So there’s a meeting of the MMA club—

DF:
He brought his car to the Wynonna Earp scholarship fund!

RJ:
Wynonna’s been avoiding Dolls just as much as Doc. And then finally he makes it so she can’t avoid him because — calls her up to the mat and then—

DF:
YES! EMOTIONALLY CHARGED GRAPPLING SCENE!

RJ:
Yes! She has to work it out! She has to wear her, basically she starts whaling on him, and he’s like, I’m not going to actively punch back, I’m gonna put up defense, I’m gonna do blocks and stuff like that and let you wear yourself out until you finally wear yourself out enough that we can talk about this. It’s one of those, I can see that you’re throwing wild punches but there’s tears behind that angry face kind of moment. And it’s a little bit awkward because they forget that the rest of the club is there. But like, I don’t know who the co-club leader is, somebody else from Black Badge or something, who’s been watching out for his lizardness. The guy who gave him the drugs. Like, they sort of — hey, look at that! Look at this neat… lats machine! Everybody, let’s check out this guy! Have you tried the… parallel bars? Let’s all swing our legs around! While Wynonna and Dolls are like, emotionally charged punching that turns to slapping that turns to crying on his chest, “Why doesn’t Dolls love me?” Dolls is like, “But I do!” “FUCK! Why was there a surprise reveal of love in the middle of my breakdown?” And then they have to talk about feelings and it’s like—

DF:
It’s terrible! It’s the worst! Wynonna is like “Why did I cut back on drinking?”

RJ:
Yes! And then they have to talk about how she thinks it’s one thing, but she didn’t actually talk to Doc, so she hasn’t actually gotten his perspective on why he left and so all of her, like, internal blaming and all of that is wrong. And Dolls is like, you didn’t even ask, you jumped to a conclusion. Now we’re gonna fix this and you’re gonna ask him, and if it’s still not what you want, then you let it go. But...

DF:
Dolls kind of, like, weirdly got to like the system that he and Wynonna and Doc had set up. He would’ve thought that he’d be like, “That asshole, I’m well rid of him,” but no! And not even because of the angry sex that they had in Doc’s office! No, he actually genuinely, like, it was working real well for all three of them!

RJ:
And he, like, thrives on that needling and competition, because it does make him try a little bit more than he would have. And he points out, you skipped a step in this conversation.

DF:
It’s nice to have this thing that can distract him so completely from the Black Badge and the lizardness—

RJ:
And the lizardness of it all! And again, Dolls never thought that he’d have this kind of drama in his life, because of lizardness. He thought he was going to be a soldier and be, you know, a weapon for as long as he was doing good for the rest of the community or something, and it’s really nice to have this extra bit of bright in his day. And he points out to Wynonna that she had a whole conversation in her head and didn’t actually talk to Doc in any of it. So they show up five minutes before his office hours end. And like, he can’t leave?

DF:
YESSSSS.

RJ:
He can’t avoid them?

DF:
YES! TRAPPED!

RJ:
So now Doc is confronted and, okay, he is caught off-guard because he wasn’t expecting confrontation, he was also being like, internal cycle of doubt and angst and, am I only here because I was secretly seeing Wyatt this whole time? Has everything I said been a lie? There’s all this stuff.

DF:
So like, the two parts of his life that he thought were entirely separate are converging, and it’s weird.

RJ:
And Doc doesn’t know that Dolls is part of a paramilitary secret government organization full of lizard people, and Doc doesn’t know that Wynonna Earp — well, he does know that she’s an Earp, but he doesn’t know that she is the heir. He thinks she’s just An Earp from a line of Earps that had, didn’t love him enough to forgive him. And Wynonna doesn’t —

DF:
And he can’t tell her that he’s like, 150 years old and fucked her great-great-great-whatever, because he thinks that she’s gonna think that he’s gone off the deep end.

RJ:
Right. So he has to figure out how to say, I have — an emotional cockblock of my own self, without saying anything. And it almost works, because he manages to stumble his way through “I wasn’t expecting something with a student.” He blames it on that, rather than what the real problem is.

DF:
And Wynonna is like, “This has been happening for a while now, Doc, and you only just — the penny only just dropped on that front?”

RJ:
And then he tries to say, oh, well, I saw your sister, and Wynonna is like YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS. And it’s a good moment. So then he has to figure out, how does he fix this? Because he… doesn’t want to lose Wynonna.

DF:
Yes!

RJ:
He doesn’t want to lose that brightness in his otherwise superficial and detached lifestyle, right, he’s been very good at that not making connections, because then he’ll have to eventually leave them behind. But she’s an Earp, so if anyone would be okay about it, either she’s gonna think he’s completely nuts OR she’ll be just as driven by it as he is. So like, he makes some sort of half-assed reconciliation and Wynonna accepts it but she’s not like 100% back on board, and then eventually he has to make a grand gesture where he tells her.

DF:
Yes! Oh man, wait, there’s some sort of conversation where ALL of their secrets come out, like, he has to be like—

RJ:
But they’re talking at cross-purposes, and it’s like, you’re a lesbian, not a unicorn! It’s like that.

DF:
But yeah, as soon as like — I mean think about it, just like all of them, like — “yes, I am 150 years old and I slept with Wyatt Earp.” “Yeah, I shot my dad because demons dragged him and my sister out a window.” “Yeah, Im not entirely human and I’m a member of a super shady military organization.” Just like, okay. A fucked up crew.

RJ:
And I’m not sure how that happens.

DF:
I am not sure either. I just want it. And they’re all just kind of like, “Of fucking course. Of all the normal people I could’ve slept with on campus.”

RJ:
Is it — oh no, okay, does the Doc finds out from Waverly and shit goes down, that happens all during first semester. They do their tentative making up again right before winter break.

DF:
Okay.

RJ:
So they have to figure out where they are, but none of them are in the same place because winter break is three weeks long and you’re not on campus. So I feel like Dolls, because he’s the sensible one in the situation, he’s like, sliiiiiides back into the DMs, we’ll take it back where it was, where it was super casual and nobody was thinking deep heavy thoughts like the L word. And let’s get to know each other again, a little bit. That’s what he’s thinking but he doesn’t phrase it that way to Wynonna because she’d knee jerk and not answer anything on twitter every again, because Wynonna’s hesitant to be like, It’s not my fault and it’s not Doc’s fault and it’s not Dolls’s fault, it was a miscommunication.

DF:
Okay, also. What if — yes to all of that, first of all, but also what if they’re on campus at some point, and like, some sort of demon or evil monster does sneak onto the campus? Doesn’t necessarily have to be a revenant, because maybe we’re not within the ghost river triangle, maybe we’re somewhere else, I assume.

RJ:
Because we know Doc can leave. Other side of the city, the side of the city that’s not...

DF:
Something like that. So it doesn’t necessarily have to be a revenant.

RJ:
But there’s a reason there’s a Black Badge outpost here.

DF:
Yeah. Some sort of weird demon thing, and then they all find out about it, like separately, and they’re all trying to track it—

RJ:
It’s spring semester, it’s after they’ve had their Winter break of twittering at each other and taking it slow again, and emotionally distancing themselves a little bit and getting to know each other, blah blah blah, it’s spring semester, they’re supposed to be having dinner together, it’s their first time back together in three weeks, and they’re going to rehash a little bit about, does this work, can I get — Wynonna is dreading having to have a conversation about feelings, so when she finds out that there’s something munching on the co-eds, she’s like “I will take a moment to pummel my feelings!” And then Dolls is coming at it from like, “Oh shit, I have a dinner date, I don’t have time for Black Badge nonsense! I gotta knock it out quickly so I’m not late and I don’t stand Wynonna up.” And then Doc is like, jumped. Doc is the co-ed that gets jumped.

DF:
*CACKLING*

RJ:
He’s like, “I’m 130 years old! I am not a freshman!” He is DISGRUNTLED about this.

DF:
Because he smells, you know, well-aged, like fine wine!

RJ:
Or, counterpoint, he smells particularly young and vital because of the immortality

DF:
Ahhhh, yes, either of these things.

RJ:
He smells like bait, is what he smells like. So that is where the three of them run into each other and that’s where it comes out.

DF:
Yessss. Okay wait, does Wynonna still think that she’s crazy at this point for the demons thing?

RJ:
I think Wynonna does not think she’s crazy but she’s learned not to talk about it. Because if she says something about it, then people will make assumptions about her. And she’s been really good about not talking about it while on campus, but like, maybe because of her, she’s been talking to her counselor, and like, not all duties are your duty, not all responsibilities are your responsibilities, has made her face, well, what are my responsibilities? What do I owe the public at large? And she’s like, I may be the Earp heir but also, I don’t just want people to die for no reason. If I know about it, I should do something to help because I can. Not because I have a family obligation soaked in blood and our own hubris, but because I know about it I can’t just leave it alone. So that’s why she’s, not because she’s feeling altruistic but because she knows she’ll feel bad if she doesn’t do something. If that makes sense.

DF:
It does make sense.

RJ:
And then that’s where they run into each other, all three of them, and it’s something like — it’s something from Buffy, it’s some kind of Buffy demon. It’s some kind of demon that looks obviously not human. More obviously not human than Dolls does. And Dolls does something with, like, a supercharged taser that he shouldn’t have because it’s not street legal, and Doc does something like, he does 1920s-style fisticuffs, he stands like a boxer, like ye olden days with the hands and everything, and tries to punch it in the face.

DF:
I mean, he’s got knives, he’s very good with the knife throwing, so that’s also an option. I assume they wouldn’t let him have a gun on a college campus.

RJ:
He probably has like, a butterfly blade. Which are also not legal. Butterfly knife.

DF:
But they’re easier to hide than guns.

RJ:
Yes, He’s got like a butterfly knife and some switchblades in his boots, which is not safe either, so it’s like, we’re all converging in a place and we’re running, and then it’s like, “What are you doing here?” “What are you doing here?!” “It’s getting away!”

DF:
Like that scene in Buffy with Buffy and Riley, except that I’m not insulting anybody enough to call them Riley.

RJ:
Yes! Thank you. And that’s where it comes out, and instead of going to the fancy restaurant where they were going to have grown-up feelings, and Wynonna is like “That’s okay, because I may never come here again and I’m okay if I have terrible associations because I can’t afford to eat here anyway,” they end up going for pizza in the student union, all covered in dirt.

DF:
It’s like 2am, and there are other people there, because of course there are other people there because it’s a college campus at 2am, and everybody’s just kind of like, “...alright.”

RJ:
And it’s like, because Wynonna is still — she’s started to dress like her sorority sisters a little bit. She has a preference for leather pants, but she’s wearing more things out of Abercrombie than she is out of Hot Topic.

DF:
I mean she does have a penchant even in the show for like, tying up her shirts, blah blah blah!

RJ:
Yes. But like, the black lace number? I’m pretty sure they sell that shirt at hot topic but the lace is supposed to go in the back. Like, I may have had that shirt in high school. The lace goes in the back.

DF:
Seems very Wynonna.

RJ:
So now that they’ve had this big reveal, the cat is out of the bag, I guess I can’t really hide it because “It was mice! They were smoking!” is not really an answer when you actually saw the giant green thing drooling on you. They actually all have to come clean with each other and it’s super cathartic? And like, reassuring too.

DF:
Awwwww, kids!

RJ:
Which is great! And like, I mean, Doc wins as far as—

DF:
You know demons are real? I know demons are real!

RJ:
Doc wins as far as weird stories go.

DF:
Yes. But they’ve all got pretty good contenders!

RJ:
Yesss. And then things are working out! And it’s ridiculous! And amazing! And it’s the end of spring semester and then, I don’t know, happily ever after or something. I mean she hasn’t graduated yet, she’s still got one more year, but like, things are looking reasonable? They weathered like multiple storms, she’s got two great boyfriends who are also working well together, as far as needling each other and also every so often making out with each other and she gets to watch and it’s great, and she has a house full of sisters who are supporting her in her drama and also she gets to yell at a little bit and it feels good, and she has a counselor who’s invested in her mental health and she has a relationship with her sister — CURTIS. That was it. Gus and Curtis are like—

DF:
Wait, was Curtis not the bar guy?

RJ:
Shorty was the bar guy. Curtis is the husband who gets his head chopped off. They’re, she starts opening dialogue with Gus about her mom, because I think Gus is her mom’s sister, right? I’ve been headcanoning that Gus is her mom’s sister because she’s not an Earp but she’s related. About like, look, I understand that you couldn’t take me in, but you’re family, and I’d almost like us to figure out a way to be family together, and things are going well, and she has her scholarship money. The only thing I can do is imagine that everything goes downhill from here, but I don’t want that, I want to end it on a happy note.

DF:
I know, I keep thinking, well, she’s got to turn 27 soon.

RJ:
But she’s only like 21.

DF:
Although, if you wanted the really cracky ridiculous ending, her college IS within the Ghost River Triangle, just barely, it’s not really where the revenants hang out but it’s in there — Earp heir happens when you’re 21, not when you’re 27. Her sorority ends up getting read in on what’s happening —

RJ:
*clapping*

DF:
And they all hunt demons together, and then by the end of her senior year with the help of like, her hot boyfriends and her sister and her sorority sisters, they’ve killed all of the demons.

RJ:
YES! I am here for training montage where Wynonna teaches her sorority sisters how to use a tranq gun!

DF:
Turns out that cardio kickboxing is really great for, you know!

RJ:
She teaches them how to use a tranq gun, they put down the revenants, and then she just goes from boom to boom to boom like fish in a barrel. Out of the way, she knocks out 20 at a time, the curse is broken, I love it, and then from that year on her sorority has an annual skeet shooting event.

DF:
YES.

RJ:
Because target practice becomes part of their athletics charter! Yes! The Wynonna Earp scholarship for marksmanship!

DF:
YES!

RJ:
Or award for marksmanship, within the sorority. That is the most beautiful. I like this, this is a really good ending.

DF:
I like that we have now AU-ed Hot Professor Doc Holliday with a further AU of Hot Professor Doc Holliday and Sorority Sister Wynonna Earp.

RJ:
Yes!!

DF:
THE END.