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English
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Part 1 of The Jäger Newsletter
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Published:
2018-09-26
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852
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Attack of the giant roombas!

Summary:

Chaos hits Mechanicsburg when Castle Heterodyne decides to re-initiate Street Cleaning Day without warning! Featuring giant roombas, all named Stabby. Read all about it in the latest edition of the Jäger Newsletter!

Notes:

This is based on a conversation in the GG Discord. Thanks themysteriousinternetentity for letting me borrow Dimas!

Work Text:

Street Cleaning Day Abolished - For Goot! By Rerich de Jäger

Chaos swept through Mechanicsburg yesterday when Der Kestle decided to re-initiate Street Cleaning Day without giving any warning. Businesses vas forced to close as hordes of pipple raced to the safety of de nearest buildings or rooftops as de automated street cleaners - aka de affectionately named Stabbies - approached. Odders made lots of money from de many pipple vot got forced to take shelter in their shops. “Hy made more money today den Hy did all month,” says Frau Elena Konstantin (46), a shoe shop owner. “Hy wish it could be Street Cleaning Day everyday!”

For dose of hyu who vos born yesterday or vas sleeping in hyour History classes, de Stabbies vas made by our current Masters’ grandmother, de Lady Desdemona. She vas really beeg on cleanliness, dat vun! She also gave de Stabbies their leetle knives so dat dey could stab litterers. Her husband Master Pluto, thought dat dis was a great idea und started Street Cleaning Day. Street Cleaning Day den became a public holiday where all businesses iz closing und everyvun usually stays at home vit their families until 7pm when all de Stabbies iz finished vit their work und go back to Der Kestle. When Master Bill became the Heterodyne, he abolished Street Cleaning Day und he und his brodder hid all de Stabbies away in a safe hiding spot where they quietly remained - at least until yesterday when Der Kestle finally found them.

So like Hy vas saying, pipple really vasn’t expecting to see the Stabbies roaming de streets. Not chust because de Masters hid dem, but also because Street Cleaning Day falls on September 17 und it iz now June. However our pipple iz knowing to run immediately when hyu see a Stabby. De tourists on de odder hand... not so much. Says Frau - sorry Mistress - Daniela Dumitru (37), a tourist, “Hy vas browsing de snail selection in de marketplace, chust minding mine own business when dat bloody clank came und stabbed me in de ankle! It would’ve stabbed me again, if not for mine husband who grabbed mine hand und dragged me to de nearest shop to hide. Vy iz hyu lot even having such a horrid ting around in de first place? Iz not safe! Hyu ken be sure dat Hy und mine family iz never, ever coming back to dis awful place!” Vell, goot riddance to hyu too, Mistress.

While most folk opted to stay safe in buildings und on rooftops, dere were plenty of pipple who wanted to play de time-honoured game of “Taunt de Stabby”. Taunt de Stabby iz verra easy to play. Hyu chust walk de streets until hyu find a Stabby doing its business. Den hyu grab its attention, und when it starts chasing, hyu chust run. Hyu win if hyu gets to a safe spot before de Stabby stabs hyu. For de more adventurous vuns, hyu ken jump on top of de Stabby when it gets close. Iz always verra funny to see de Stabby looking round und round, vondering where its victim haz gotten to. Of course, de Stabby iz soon going to be spinning like a top, so if hyu do dis, iz always best to have a friend who ken either catch hyu when hyu eventually fall off or distract de Stabby while hyu make hyour escape.

On anodder note, Dimas haz lost his hat to Stabby VIII while playing Taunt de Stabby. Again. For de fourth time. Dun ask me how iz it dat he can fly off de Stabby while leaving his hat behind, Hy dun know either. Hyu’d tink he’d have learned his lesson after de last time! Anyway, Stabby VIII haz now been dubbed a honorary Jäger, joining de ranks of Stabby II, XIII und XXIV.

By de time Street Cleaning Day finally ended - at 830pm, a leetle later den usual, but de streets were sparkling clean vunce dey were done - a total of 276 pipple vas having to go to de Great Hospital for injuries sustained either from de Stabbies or running away from de Stabbies or both. Doctor Sun Jen-djieh (49), Head of de Mechanicsburg Great Hospital said, “Dis is terrible! Me und mine staff already have a lot of work on a normal day, ve dun need all dis extra trouble! If de Boys dun do something about dis mess, Hy iz going to take a deathray und MELT EVERYVUN OF DOSE DEM TINGS MYSELF!!!"

De Masters returned to Mechanicsburg late last night und dey were not happy to hear about Street Cleaning Day being restarted. Sources in Der Kestle reveal dat de Boys severely scolded Der Kestle for it und confiscated all of de Stabbies. Dey also ordered Der Kestle not to harm any of de locals or tourists ever again und as extra punishment, dey removed 2 of its weathervanes. Hah, serves hyu right, hyu decrepit pile of bricks! Hyu frankly deserve worse anyway! Der Kestle iz now sulking und iz giving everyvun de silent treatment. Here’s hoping dat it vill keep it up till August!

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