Chapter Text
From the moment she woke, Hannah knew it was going to be one of those days. Yes, she was generally on edge. Yes, she was wound tight as a drum over the upcoming Armistice Day Gala. No, she hadn’t chosen a dress yet. But all of that paled in comparison to the ache in her right knee. Even fifteen minutes of stretching and massaging achieved only the barest bit of relief. It was definitely going to be a brace day.
It would’ve been enough if that’s where the day’s inconveniences had stopped. But then one of her petty officers had to go and shoot herself in the foot at the practice range. And then two—two!—lieutenants had lapsed in their yearly medical examinations and would not be cleared to ship out on their next tour if they weren’t seen immediately. (To be fair, that last one was partially her own fault.)
And to top it all off, Rosie Two, her fighter, sent her a private notification about an unexpected error in one of its runtimes, and she knew—she knew in her soul—that Alli had latched onto some ill-advised curiosity. Hannah would have to correct that sooner rather than later.
And that didn’t even touch all the last-minute planning snafus that threatened to turn the Armistice Day Gala—only two days away now—into a monumental failure and embarrassment for the Alliance. As it turned out, the food wasn’t actually the most difficult part of planning a gala that catered to both levo and dextro palettes.
“Sorry about the diplomatic incident, Admiral,” she’d have to tell Drescher. “Who knew just a few gardenias would put half the Hierarchy’s top brass in the hospital?”
By the time she finally got home for the evening, she wanted nothing more than to change into the loosest clothes she owned, grab a bottle of wine (after a day like the one she’d had, who needed a glass?), collapse on the sofa, and watch something mindless until it was time to crawl into bed and forget the entire day had happened.
She got as far as changing her clothes when she heard the front door open and a flanged voice announce her presence.
Fuck, I forgot it’s Thursday.
She groaned as she pulled out her running clothes and changed again, ignoring the constant complaining coming from her joint.
Dess looked up and flared her mandibles as Hannah descended the stairs. “Bad day?”
“That obvious?”
Dess pointed to Hannah’s knee. “You only wear your brace when it’s been a bad day.” Hannah’s cheeks warmed. Was she that obvious or was it just Dess knowing her habits?
Hannah sighed as she reached the bottom of the stairs and turned into the empty space of the living room to start stretching. “I’ve had better days,” she said, trying to keep her voice even. She sat on the ground with her legs extended to each side and reached over to her left to touch her toes.
Dess flicked her mandibles in concern. “Why don’t we skip the run? I’ll help you stretch and take care of dinner. Is Alli home from school?”
Hannah nodded. “She’s holed up in her room doing homework.”
Hannah and Dess had been running together for about a couple years now. Ever since Dess had offered to help her look for more information on Cerberus, they’d had to figure out ways to meet confidentially. A weekly run was as good a cover as any to share information, and it had the added bonus of getting Hannah out from behind her desk. They hadn’t had any new real information in more than six months, but it was still good to keep up the routine.
More than the routine, Hannah simply enjoyed the time with Dess. After . . . Michael, she fell into the quicksand of anger and grief. She’d fallen in slow motion, it seemed, but she still couldn’t stop herself. It was Dess’s hand that caught her and offered to pull her out of the quagmire. Hannah was still angry with Michael, but she didn’t feel quite so alone anymore. Dess had become her bedrock, the place to finally land and start to let herself heal and rebuild. She always felt the stress drain out of her when Dess was near.
Hannah winced as the muscles in her legs pulled at the tendon in her knee, so she switched to her other leg. Then she stretched both feet out in front of her and leaned forward. She reached out her hands without looking and felt Dess take them, pulling her gently forward. After taking a few deep breaths to weather the discomfort, she released Dess’s hold and laid back. Dess picked up Hannah’s foot and pushed her leg up toward her chest.
It was a familiar routine at this point, but Hannah still had to focus to keep her mind from straying while Dess leaned over her like this, close enough for Hannah to feel her heartbeat and smell the faint, almost elusive scent of her citrusy perfume, breath, and sweat mingling between them. From this angle, it would be so easy for Dess to just slip her hand under Hannah’s shirt and—
Not the time, Hannah, she silently chided herself.
Dess repeated the motion with Hannah’s other leg, and Hannah winced at the dull pain.
“Okay, okay, okay,” she said, panting through the throbbing in her knee. “Yeah, running is probably out of the question today. But let’s order in instead of getting takeout. If I’m not going for a run, I don’t want to go anywhere.”
Dess flicked her mandibles in amusement—Hannah paused internally, wondering how these days she could tell the difference in even small expressions on Dess’s face—and chuckled as she stood and offered Hannah a hand to help her up. “Deal,” she said, opening her ‘tool. A few quick swipes was all it took to place an order and it was on its way. She nodded toward the couch as she looked at Hannah. “Take a seat. I’ll work out a couple kinks in your knee while we wait.”
“What’d you order?” Hannah asked, slipping the brace off her knee as she sat down.
“Tacos from Ricos, the ones you like.” Dess sat next to Hannah, took up her leg, and draped it over her lap in one fluid motion. She began to knead the muscles around her knee, and Hannah winced. Dess paused. “Too much?”
Hannah shook her head. “No, it’s okay. Just crackly. And tender.” Truthfully, the pain was bone deep, but it helped to keep the muscles loose.
Dess went back to kneading, rubbing small circles above, behind, and around the joint. Hannah reveled in the blessed strength of her grip and let her eyes slip closed, thankful for the relief Dess was able to provide.
“Have you seen a doctor about this yet?” Dess asked. Her voice vibrated in such a pleasant way. Hannah could feel it resonating even from her leg, and she wanted to close her eyes and enjoy it for what it was—but that wasn’t a good idea. Dess couldn’t help how her voice made Hannah feel—what could she say? “Dess, your voice makes me feel so comfortable I could fall asleep to it, please don’t do that?”—and Hannah just had to live with it.
She sighed and nodded. “Yes. The best I can do is manage it for now. Most days are fine, and I don’t even think about it. But the bad days are starting to get pretty bad. I’m tracking their frequency, and if it starts to happen too much, I’m supposed to consider other options.”
“Other options?”
“Surgery most likely. Replacing the cartilage. Maybe getting a supportive nano-weave in the tendons. The Alliance will fix me, but I have to reach a certain level of badness before they’ll do it.”
Dess’s mandibles dipped in a teasing expression. “On Shanxi, you were plowing your way through unfamiliar wilderness with several broken bones and a punctured lung. And you were still ready to fight me because I suggested you stop and rest. Now you’re putty because of a bum knee. You’ve come a long way, Han.”
Hannah rolled her eyes. “What can I say? Ten years has made me a whole new person.”
Dess paused briefly in her work. “It hasn’t been ten years.”
“I’m afraid so. That’s what the Armistice Day Gala is for.” Hannah bit her lip and considered for a moment. “You know, the gala I get. Humans and turians are all friends now, right? Let’s dress fancy and drink expensive wines and dance around to celebrate that fact. It’s the week of war games they’re planning that I don’t understand. Maybe it’s a turian thing. Showing friendship through fighting?”
Dess shook her head in exaggerated patience and refocused on Hannah’s knee. “Don’t you know? War games are the highest expression of friendship.” She paused and her focus turned inward for a moment. “Ten years. I never missed a target before you. But if anyone was going to break my perfect record, I’m glad it was you.”
Hannah nodded. “I prefer how things worked out too. Both us being on fire would’ve been problematic.”
Dess’s circles moved higher up her thigh, and Hannah’s leg jerked reflexively.
Dess pulled back both of her hands immediately, her mandibles flaring wide. “Sorry! Did I hurt you?”
Hannah’s shoulders shook and she covered her mouth to hold in the laugh. “No, you’re fine!” she promised. “I’m just ticklish there.”
She could see Dess relax again. Then her mandibles twitched, and she looked suddenly unsure of herself, her mandibles fluttering and her hands hesitating above Hannah’s knee. “Does it feel better?”
Hannah could feel her cheeks start to burn as she moved her leg back to her side of the couch. “A little, yeah. Thanks. The, uh, the food should be here soon.”
Dess held her gaze on Hannah a moment more. “Yeah,” she said, an odd hum threading through the word. “And I’m sure Alli’s going to come tearing down the saying something about starving any minute now.”
As if on cue, Dess’s ‘tool lit up, notifying her that the food was nearly there. Hannah slipped the brace back into place and half-limped into the kitchen while Dess stepped outside to get the bags of food. As Hannah started to take down the plates from the cupboard, Dess returned with two large bags, one marked with an L and the other with what looked like a rough sketch of a turian. Their contents appeared to take up about the same space, even though Hannah would be sharing the tacos with Alli.
“Between you and Alli,” Hannah said, taking a moment to take a deep breath of the sweet, spicy smell of that delicious pink sauce only Rico’s ever made, “my grocery lists are significantly longer these days. Not that I mind, of course, but ten years ago, I never would’ve expected that’d be something I’d have to budget for.”
Dess flicked her mandibles at a sardonic angle. “Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have thought I’d have to save a squishy alien from her own cooking on a regular basis.”
Hannah chuckled and bumped her shoulder against Dess’s arm good-naturedly. This wasn’t the first time she’d heard about the quality of her cooking, and she knew she couldn’t defend herself. It was probably a good thing she never became a homemaker like her mother.
The rumble of young legs bouncing down the stairs drew Hannah’s attention behind her. Just as Dess had predicted, Alli had emerged from her room with a ravenous look on her face.
Hannah turned around and smiled brightly at Alli. “There she is,” she said. “I was about to call you to dinner. Why don’t you set the table while we get the rest of this ready?”
As soon as Alli had taken cups and utensils into the dining room, Hannah’s smile dimmed. They still had to have that conversation about Rosie Two.
Hannah plated the last of the food and followed Alli into the dining room, Dess close behind her with her own meal. “How was school?” she asked in what she hoped was a disarming tone. No reason to let on yet that she knew what Alli had been up to.
“Fine,” Alli said. The one-word response was becoming more and more common since Alli had entered her teens. Hannah didn’t really mind—she knew Alli had a tendency to get lost in her own thoughts—as long as Hannah could eventually encourage Alli to share more. Today, Alli needed no encouragement and launched almost directly into something that made her face light up with anxiety and excitement at the same time. “Um, so I guess Kardi and her mom are going to Thessia during the break, and, uh, she wants to know if I can go with them.”
Whatever Hannah had expected Alli to say, it wasn’t that. “To Thessia?”
Alli nodded. “Yeah, there’s some kind of festival.”
“That must be the Festival of Janiris,” Dess supplied. “It only happens every three hundred years. You’ll never get another chance to see it firsthand. Sana plans to go too.”
Hannah hummed and took a drink of her water to give herself time to think. Thessia was an awful long way away, and Alli had never left home on her own for a trip like that. Reluctance and excitement on Alli’s behalf both battled for dominance in her thoughts. Then it occurred to Hannah that the perfect opportunity to set Alli straight had just presented itself.
“I guess if Sana will be there, I feel better about you going.” Like a rubber band that had been pulled taut and released, Alli jumped up from her chair ready to launch herself into a hug, but Hannah held up a hand to stop her. “Before I say yes, though, I have a question for you.”
Alli’s eyes went wide, and she sat down again with renewed stiffness. “Yeah, okay.”
“Rosie Two told me someone has been trying to breach her firewalls,” Hannah said and took a bite of her food to give her words time to sink in. “But none of the other fighters seem to be having that problem. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”
“Rosie Two?” Alli said weakly. Hannah was lucky she knew all of Alli’s tells. “Maybe she needs a diagnostic check? I hope no one’s trying to hack into her.”
Hannah glanced at Dess who seemed to be stifling a laugh as she ate her food. It was true. Alli would be a terrible criminal. She’d just cracked under the lightest interrogation. Hannah would be laughing with Dess if the situation weren’t so serious.
She sighed and leaned forward, resting on her elbows and folding her hands together. “You’re not in trouble, Alli. But you could be. If someone besides me found out what you were doing, it would look like cyberterrorism, not curiosity.” Alli started to respond, but Hannah held up her hand to stop her again. “Promise me you’ll drop it, and you can go to Thessia with Kardi. I’ll forget what I saw and clear the alert from Rosie Two’s logs.”
Alli nodded vigorously. “Yes! Okay, I promise!” She nearly tripped out of her chair in her excitement. “I’m gonna go call Kardi right now!”
She was nearly to the stairs before Hannah could recover from the whirlwind of emotion that just took place in front of her and thought to call after Alli. “What about your dinner?”
Alli froze in her tracks, and Hannah guessed she’d suddenly remembering she was starving. Hannah could practically see the gears turning in Alli’s head: call Kardi or eat food? It was a tough choice, but food won out in the end, Alli slid back into her chair to inhale her tacos so quickly, Hannah genuinely worried she might choke.
Dess chuckled as Alli crunched through one taco after another. “Slow down, kid. Eat your food, don’t breathe it.”
Alli didn’t respond but continued to demolish her dinner and was already barreling toward the stairs the moment her plate was cleared.
Hannah finally allowed herself to snort the laughter she’d held in. “That girl has got it so bad.”
Dess tilted her head. “What has she got bad?”
“First love,” Hannah said, grinning widely and crunching loudly into her own taco. “And as far as first loves go, she could do worse than Kardi, that’s for sure.”
“You don’t think she’s a little young for love?” Dess asked.
“For the kind of love that lasts? Yeah, she’s not there yet,” Hannah said. “But this is young love, and young love strikes without warning. That’s what makes it so exciting. You feel all this energy for the first time, and you hardly know what to do with it. That’s why it usually burns itself out too.”
“But it’s fun while it lasts,” Dess said, a suggestive tone humming in her voice.
Hannah chuckled. “She’s definitely too young for that kind of fun.” She took another bite of her food and let her thoughts wander while she chewed. “That means a few more firsts are on the horizon for her. First kiss. First heartbreak. Hopefully in that order.”
Dess hummed. “First kisses are overrated. They’re awkward and no one knows what they’re doing.”
Hannah finished her last taco and walked her plate back to the kitchen. The walk was a convenient cover for her bafflement. Who had Dess kissed before? “And how, pray tell, do you know about kissing? I thought turians didn’t do that sort of thing.”
Dess followed Hannah with her own cleared plate. “With other turians, no,” she said and put her plate in the sink as Hannah started to run the water. “But asari seem to like it, so there’s no reason not to give it a shot if that’s your thing and you have the opportunity.” She leaned against the counter and crossed her arms, looking thoughtful. “It’s not my thing, but I’ve gotten good reviews.”
Hannah laughed. “I’ll believe that when I see it. The whole time I’ve known you, I’ve only seen you sort-of-date Cassia, who is conspicuously turian.”
Dess put her hand to her chest, feigning offense. “I’ve had my share of little loves. Mine just usually lasted a night, sometimes two. I used to . . . what’s that expression? Plant my wild grains?”
“Sow your wild oats,” Hannah said and flicked water in Dess’s direction. “I know. You’ve told me about some of your exploits, and if I believed half of what you’ve said, then there’s a fish the size of a Buick out there my dad almost caught once.”
“I assume that means you think I’m exaggerating, but I can assure you I’m not,” Dess said, her mandibles dipping in faux suggestion. “Turians don’t lie. It’s not in our nature.”
“Okay, Casanova, prove it,” Hannah said.
It took half a beat for Hannah to realize what she’d just said, and then the world seemed to telescope and slow down.
Prove it? Prove it?! What? Shit. Fuck. Shit!
She kept her eyes trained resolutely on the dishes in front of her, trying and most likely failing to appear calm. Because people dared their friends to kiss them all the time, right? No, no, they definitely did not, and now she was just standing there in the silence between them that kept getting longer and more awkward with every passing second and fuck what had she done?
“I . . . I can. If . . . that’ll convince you?” Shit. Despite her best effort at bravado, Dess sounded about as uncomfortable and nervous has Hannah had ever heard her. Great, Hannah. Good job. You made it weird. So. Fucking. Weird.
Hannah’s face was on fire. She had to do something. Part of her did want that kiss. Very, very much. She’d thought about it more times than she cared to count. But actually doing it? Ruin everything? She had to diffuse the situation. Somehow. It would be out of character if she tried to shrug off the dare as a joke—slowly escalating banter was kind of their thing. Ironically, if she wanted them to be able to laugh this whole thing off and move on, she would have to commit. Shit.
It wasn’t quite the kiss she’d pictured when she let her imagination wander, but this was it. It was happening. Right now. Fuck.
She gave a half-hearted laugh and finally looked at Dess, whose mandibles were trembling in an expression Hannah couldn’t read—maybe she wasn’t as good at reading Dess as she’d thought. Still. No time like the present.
“Yeah, why not?” she said, her heart thundering hard against her chest. She grabbed a dishtowel as she turned toward Dess to hide their shaking while drying them. “Lay one on me. Show me what you got. It’s just a kiss.”
Dess’s eyes darted away and then came back. She nodded and stood, turning to face Hannah. “Just don’t blame me if you fall for me.” Hannah could hear the tremor in her voice and felt like kicking herself all over again. Maybe escalating wasn’t such a good idea after all.
“You don’t have to do it if it makes you uncomfortable,” she said, keeping her voice soft and serious so that Dess would know her offer was genuine, not a prod. She smirked weakly and bit her bottom lip. “I know I’m a squishy alien and—”
Dess’s mouth was pressed against Hannah’s before she could finish offering her a way out, and her heart beat so hard she was sure it would burst right out of her chest at any moment. It wasn’t like any other kiss Hannah had ever experienced before. Dess’s mouth plates were softer, more pliant than she expected, though still firm and warm. She tasted sharp and sweet at the same time, and Hannah wanted more of it, was hungry for it. She could feel Dess’s fingers brush up her neck to her jaw, tangling in her hair. Hannah felt a familiar tug in her stomach she hadn’t felt in a long time—a hunger, a longing she’d been careful to ignore for a long time, but now it overcame her. She parted her lips enough for her tongue to touch Dess’s mouth, both a question and an invitation.
She felt Dess’s breath hitch as she pulled suddenly away from Hannah. Her mandibles trembled against her jaw, and her chest rose and fell heavily with each breath. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice high and reedy. “I think . . . I got carried away. Trying to prove my point, I mean. Sorry.”
Hannah felt out of breath and her legs shook, but she knew she had to recover. “No, no,” she said and cleared her throat. “You did tell me you were a good kisser. That was . . . yeah.” She could feel her voice break and her cheeks warmed. “Definitely good. You convinced me. The next asari you fall in love with for a night is a lucky one.”
Dess laughed weakly. “Glad to set the record straight.” She took one more deep breath and let it out slowly. “I should—I guess I should get going. I have . . . paperwork I need to do tonight. I’ll probably see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, of course,” Hannah said. Her head was still light, but her heart was starting to slow. “I’ll, uh, yeah. See you tomorrow.”
Dess turned to leave but stopped before she’d left the kitchen and half turned back toward Hannah. She winked, recovering some of her usual bravado, and said, “Try not to dream about me tonight.”
Hannah gave a breathy laugh and tossed the dishtowel at her. At least she wasn’t running away from Hannah as fast as her legs could carry her.
When Hannah heard the front door close, she let herself lean against the countertop. Going weak in the knees didn’t count if you already had a weak knee, right? Regardless, if she wanted to stay standing, she needed the support.
Her fingers lifted to her lips, feeling for the ghost of the kiss that still lingered there. She wasn’t religious, but she felt like praying.
Please, don’t let anything be ruined.
A hand waving in front of her face drew her attention. Hannah shook her head and blinked, finding Alli standing in front of her, a look of concern creasing her brow. How long had she been standing there?
“Is something wrong?” Alli asked, her voice high and tight. “You look . . . sick.”
Hannah cleared her throat to find her voice. “Yeah. I mean no. I’m fine. Sorry, I was lost in thought I guess.”
Alli looked around. “Where’s Ms. Dess? Did she leave already?”
Hannah turned and busied herself with cleaning the dishes in the sink again. “Yeah,” she said, her back to Alli. “She got a call from work and had to leave.” No, wait, it was paperwork, wasn’t it? It didn’t matter. “Sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye. What did Kardi have to say?”
It took a little too long for Alli to respond, and Hannah bit her bottom lip. Alli really shouldn’t be worrying about her like this. “She, uh, she gave me a list of things to do before we go,” Alli said after another long moment. “Mom, are you sure you’re okay?”
Hannah took a deep breath to steady her nerves and turned around. It was tempting to put on a smile, but Alli was too smart for that and it would only make her worry more. She put a hand on Alli’s hair and kissed her forehead. “You don’t have to worry about me,” she said and meant it. “I have . . . a few things on my mind. That’s all. Nothing too serious, I promise.”
Alli looked steadily at Hannah for a moment, and then her mouth set in a hard line, clearly deciding on something. She nodded and put her arms around Hannah’s waist, burying her head in Hannah’s shoulder. It was Hannah’s turn to wonder what exactly was going through her daughter’s mind.