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Chapter Text

Luke Skywalker had cut himself off from the Force.

Well, mostly. Nearly. Sometimes, admittedly, curiousity got the better of him. Wandering the craggy cliffs of Acht-To, he’d suddenly close his eyes, just for a minute, and take a peep.

That was how he new certain things. He knew, for example, Luke Skywalker was a legend throughout the galaxy. He knew his sister, Leia, was furious with him – for all her sweet talk of bringing him back to save the Resistance, she chiefly wanted to whip his ass for his complete and utter fuck up with Ben. The last time Luke had taken a Force peek, he’d seen Leia’s very clear mental image of just where she wanted to shove his lightsaber (he’d been so frightened he’d slipped in porg shit, almost slid straight off a cliff). Since then, well, he’d strictly adhered to his Force-free lifestyle.

Today was different. Today the girl – Rey of Jakku – had arrived, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and brimming with youthful optimism. Luke didn’t like Rey of Jakku so far. First she’d immediately annoyed him by holding out the old lightsaber, instantly reminding him just how inconvenient it had been to go without a right hand all these years (especially when he got very “lonely” on the island, and his decaying cybernetic hand was increasingly sharp and unforgiving). Next were the endless lectures on his duty to Leia and the Resistance. She had followed Luke all around the island, the nagging quite spoiling his special green milking time with Silky. And then, Rey had the nerve to turn out to be massively Force sensitive, called to the Sacred Jedi Texts themselves! Against all better judgement, he was impressed.

And finally – the nail in the no-Force-for-me-thanks coffin – was Rey revealing Han was dead. Han! The news sent Luke spiralling from Rey and Chewie (who seemed as happy to see him as he knew Leia would be) mentally and physically, staggering up the many stair by starlight to his special thinking rock (the Caretakers had told him the proper name for it on his very first day, and he’d promptly forgotten and always been too embarrassed to ask). Luke was devestated. He’d spent the last 14 years imagining, and practicing, the aloof and awesome person he’d be around Han when they reunited one day – no ‘kid’ or ‘junior’ anymore thank you very much, he was a world weary Jedi Master, steeped in tragedy and wisdom. That a big part of said tragedy came from his..mismanagement…of Han’s son, Luke chose not to think about. Hopefully Han wouldn’t either, would file it away with other things like the time his wife had stuck her tongue down Luke’s throat before anyone new they were very, very-much related…Anyway! Moving on.

Han dead. What had happened? He hadn’t let Rey finish the story. The Force would tell him. Luke crossed his legs, closed his eyes and reached out…

“NO KRIFFING WAY!” the old man opened his eyes and yelped. Ben?! That moody, spotty little git had killed Han Solo, his own Father?? Or not ‘Ben’ anymore, it was all ‘Kylo Ren’ and Dark Side black these days. Luke snorted, remembering the gangly teenager skulking around the school, dark hair covering his eyes that he refused to put in a ponytail (“Be kind to him Luke, he’s self conscious about his ears,” Leia had chided when he’d complained, Han snickering in the background).

Oh dear. Han. Leia must be even more mad...

Luke pushed the thought away, dipped back into the Force (he couldn’t stop now, it was like opening Space Pringles and trying to eat just one). This time he saw the girl fighting his Emo-fied nephew in snowy forest. It was immensely satisfying to see Rey cut and slice her way through the Force with his old lightsaber, especially when she slashed it across the patricidal bastard’s stupid face. Luke decided he liked Rey of Jakku a bit more. Which was why the next vision-

“NO!” Luke barked, and smacked his cybernetic palm against the rock. A flock of Porgs squawked and flapped away at the outburst as Luke gritted his teeth. What he had seen- he’d seen-

Rey of Jakku and Ben Solo running along on a beach, hand-in-hand, faces alit with ridiculous soppy smiles. They paused for Ben to encircle bare arms around Rey’s slender waist, lifting and swinging her in a circle, quieting her squeals with a swift drop of his dark head to hers, their lips pressed together. His once gawky nephew was tall and ridiculously shredded, while Rey looked angelic in a flowing white dress fluttering in the wind. It was nauseatingly romantic and sweet, and Luke felt quite ill. He steeled himself as the image changed again…more abstract this time. It was Rey again, and Ben, together but apart – and all around them Force energy sparked and hummed. Luke realised (thanks to his dutiful reading of the Sacred Jedi Texts, unlike others he had actually READ them) what he was being shown – that very strangest and rarest of phenomenon – a Force bond. Between a lightsider and darksider no less. This…this was almost unprecedented.

It was dawn by the time Luke Skywalker finished meditating on the Force vision. He opened his eyes. Spread before him, the Island was waking up – porgs screeching and flapping from nests, Thala sirens cooing (Silky!), the sun lighting the dark carpet of rolling hills an emerald green. In the beehive domed village, directly below, he also saw Rey, frolicking with four fat little porgs. She was force-lifting their chubby little bodies, her laughter mixing with the (rather stupid, in his opinion) little birds’ clucks and chirrups of excitement. The Jedi Master both gagged and half-smiled at the pure syrupy, sweetness of it all, even as Rey – who had turned to lightsaber practice – mis-judged a swing and accidentally vivisected all four of her new little friends.

The vision weighed heavily in Luke’s mind – of this sweet (if at times quite deadly) girl locking lips with his idiotic, Father-murdering tit of a nephew. The half smile from Rey’s inadvertent porg slaughter vanished. No way. Not after everything Ben had done – burning down his school (Luke had just cement rendered the east wing it had cost a fortune!), joining the dark side, murdering his Father. But a Force Bond was a powerful thing. It was bound to reopen, in a matter of days, hours even, allowing Rey and Ben to speak, see, and even – Luke grimaced – touch eachother.

“Over my dead body,” he announced to the sky. Ben Solo had taken away Luke’s school, his best friend and brother-in-law, his second-best calligraphy set (‘just borrowing’ my ass!) and, he feared most of all, the love and respect of his twin sister. No way was Ben also going to get the girl.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

On the other side of the galaxy, in deep space, Supreme Leader Snoke also experienced a Force vision.

The old darksider opened his eyes and sighed, tapped his long, withered fingers against his throne. Behind him he could hear the scrape of plastoid on steel as various members of his Praetorian Guard shifted in their uncomfortable red armour. Tough. That would teach them for sniggering (albeit in their heads, but it was still hurtful) at his original design. They would have looked lovely, but it had been ruined by Hux pointing out they’d be cold in deep space and that the red and gold assless-leather chaps provided little in the way of actual armor and, subsequently, an appropriate level of security.

Snoke considered himself a simple being. He took pleasure in the beauty of the universe – the velvet darkness, the twinkle of the stars, the flash of the Hosnian System blown to space dust. The click of a hundred First Order officer boot heels meeting in salute, the typically ill-concealed terror on the face of Hux and…well, pretty much everyone. Old wars had left his body scarred and tired, he reasoned his gold threaded dressing gown and matching slippers were a necessity – not an indulgence. And beauty helped him think, thus the golden rings and plush red curtains were essential. A simple being with simple pleasures, that’s what he was – sparkly dressing gowns, terrified First Order underlings, and an emotionally unstable Skywalker boy to mould in his image.

The Supreme Leader frowned. His Force vision had clearly shown trouble brewing in this department. It has started off great fun – a replay of Ren murdering his Father as prompted, and then getting his ass kicked by the very girl he fancied (Snoke had actually come out of the Force meditation to arrange for popcorn). But the second half was more concerning: he saw hands (and other fresh young body parts) touching, eyes locked in passionate gazes, a long red ribbon curling through time and space to entwine blue and red lightsabers. The Force – both dark and light sides – were clearly shipping the scavenger girl with his emo apprentice. An unexpected development requiring careful consideration.

He should have seen it, after the girl resisted Ren’s interrogation– no, before that, when Ren had ditched looking for the droid for the far less practical (but more delectable, he supposed) tactic of extracting the map from a pretty girl’s head. He’s seen the holos of Ren hurrying to his shuttle with Rey in his arms, like a groom tenderly carrying his wasted bride from a wedding reception. But Snoke had been too busy editing a Starkiller fanvid to his favourite Jatz tunes (in hindsight he regretted not paying a bit more attention to Hux’s military management back then, given how things turned out) to think about Ren’s love life. Really, he preferred to think about the latter as little as possible. The old being shuddered. He was aware many in the galaxy considered his invasion of a young boy’s mind the ultimate act of evil. But THEY hadn’t been stuck connected to said mind when Ren hit puberty and began-

No more of that. Snoke closed his eyes to mediate deeper on the vision, after smirking briefly at the uncomfortable chafing sounds he knew emanated form one or more of his guards’ thighs. Focussing on the girl. Rey. No lineage – an abandoned orphan with daydreams of family grandeur. A random bestowment of immense force powers, as had been the case with Anakin Skywalker (Snoke sincerely hoped no one in the galaxy was stupid enough to believe the born-of-the-Force twaddle, clearly Shmi Skywalker had just forgotten to take her pill one morning). Snoke frowned. If he hadn’t invested years in turning Ben Solo into Kylo Ren, Rey of Jakku would have undoubtedly made an excellent apprentice darksider.

The question of what to do remained. The force bond between Rey and Kylo Ren would shortly open, encouraging all kinds of soulful gazing and whispered confidantes in the dark. The last thing Snoke needed was for the pair to form an alliance, for Ren to bring her to the throne room on the pretext of presenting a prisoner, turn on him, cut him in half with a lightsaber in, and then work with Rey to murder all of his uncomfortably clad guards (in many ways it would be putting them out of their misery). Snoke frowned, slightly concerned at just how detailed that last musing had become.

So. The solution was to make sure Ren stayed loyal. If the Force had bonded him to the scavenger there wasn’t much he could do to prevent it happening. Perhaps he could, though, twist it to his favour. He would pretend to be supportive of the blossoming young love affair, employing what he understood was known in some worlds as the ‘cool Dad’ strategy. And then, perhaps, he could have them both for the Darkside.

“Send for Ren,” he boomed, his nearest guardsman starting and scrambling to the commlink. “Tell him…” Snoke paused. He’d planned on giving the boy hell, and using the the you’re-no-Vader-you’re-a-child-in-a-mask line he’d thought of in the shower last week (he’d been itching to use it ever since). But from the interplanetary culture research stored within his vast memory, Snoke knew Cool Dads didn’t tell their sons they were failures before blasting them with force lightening (it was a pity, he’d been looking forward to it). No...Cool Dads called their sons champ and sport, and gave them advice on how to treat girls. Inwardly Snoke shuddered, then steeled himself.

“Tell Ren- it’s time we had a very special talk.”

He would help Kylo Ren get the girl.

Chapter Text

Snoke could feel it the second the lift doors opened – Kylo Ren was a mess, all fraught emotions and competing fears.  The boy slunk from the elevator to Snoke’s throne, wincing in pain as he knelt before his master.

Serves you right shithead, beaten up by a girl.  But Snoke forced his voice to be jovial.

“So my young apprentice. I thought today we could talk about the girl. Rey.”

Kylo’s helmet-clad head snapped up. All conflicting thoughts and feelings dissipated instantly at the name drop, to be replaced by a warm, throbbing glow that wasn’t entirely coming from his head. How revolting. Still, it was the boy’s single-mindedness Snoke planned on exploiting.

“So…sport. I thought it’s time we had a little chat about women.”

“I thought I wasn’t allowed to talk to girls, Master,” the muffled voice behind the mask spoke.

“Take that ridiculous thing off,” Snoke snapped (honestly, the helmet was almost as bad as Kylo’s never-to-be-spoken-of earring phase).

Wounded dignity rippled across the Force before black clad hands undid the clasp and removed the offending item, revealing Kylo’s grumpy, pasty face slashed deep with an angry scar.

“Hmm,” Snoke grunted. He cast a speculative eye over the boy, who kept his eyes cast demurely (if sullenly) downwards. He personally (and not so privately) thought his apprentice quite ugly but was aware a subset of the opposite sex thought otherwise (Hux had almost quit the First Order the day Snoke made him sort through Kylo’s fan mail as punishment, muttering something about unhygienic perversion and inappropriate use of the postal service). What anyone found sexually attractive in the sneaky little shit was mystifying (although by definition all dark Masters started out as sneaky little shit apprentices, it was basic succession planning). Still, Snoke had consulted some rom-com holovids in his time (their soundtracks worked nicely in his Forcetube fanvids) and understood the tall, dark, brooding affect was actually popular.

“So, sport…you might have noticed lately that you’re going through some changes. Hair growing in funny places, your body doing strange things when you see a pretty girl.”

The boy gave a strangled cough.

“Yes Master."  

Snoke grinned (nailing this cool Dad thing!)

“Well, um I did," Kylo continued.  “About 16 years ago. When I turned 12. I’m actually now–”

“Don’t get smart with me! Now. I’m assuming the useless Han Solo–” Snoke chose to ignore Kylo’s muffled yelp of Force pain –“didn’t tell you anything about girls. Women.” 

He leaned forward, attempting to wink a scaly eye. 

“SEX,” he whispered loudly.

Kylo kept looking downwards, his pale cheeks assuming the Throne Room’s colour tones. There was a faint echo across the Force of something that sounded distinctly like Iwantobefreeofthispain.

“Speak up boy, use your words!”

“Yes Master. I mean no... not really…a bit,” Kylo stuttered. “But you told me to forget it, and anytime I remembered to turn on my lightsaber and slash–”

“Yes, yes, well that was before, today–”

“And you said all women were unworthy receptacles of darksider seed–”

“Well–”

“And that if I ever even thought about touching myself there I would never be as strong as Darth V–”

“ENOUGH!” roared Snoke. A bolt of force lightening shot from his skinny fingers (ah, it felt good!) and sent Kylo flying 10 feet backwards (a record!) to land flat on his back.  Amidst the groans and whimpers Snoke could have sworn he sensed something like relief from his apprentice, that they were back to their normal routine. No, no, this wasn't Cool Dad behaviour – he needed the miserable little shit to TRUST HIM. Best to cut to the chase.

“Would you like me to help make Rey of Jakuu your girlfriend?”

Kylo, still flailing, went very still.

“Yes please Master.” Snoke could sense, before seeing, the enormous goofy smile across his face.

“Get up and stop smirking. And pay attention!” Already Snoke could feel the boy’s mind (and other parts) fixating on the skinny, shouty scavenger girl who had caused so much trouble. 

“You two young idiots," Snoke went on, “Have a Force connection. Do you know what that is?”

"Yes master," said Kylo. He was now wondering if Rey ever got sand stuck between her–

"STOP THINKING ABOUT HER TITS. And no, you don't know, pathetic child. When you fucked up extracting the map, she got into YOUR mind. Your MIND, Ren, not your pants PAY ATTENTION.”

Kylo jumped, at last pulled from his disgustingly pornographic reverie. “Right. Um. So that means….?”

“IT MEANS you could appear to each other any moment. Go clean yourself up, have a shower, spray some deodorant for Plagueis sake!”

Kylo practically bolted from the room at that, but froze when Snoke spoke again.

“Leave the scar. ‘Chicks’ dig scars.”

The boy hesitated.

“Ah yes…you see it’s just that’s it’s my face…”

“A big improvement it is too,” muttered Snoke.

“And my right eye. The cut went through my eye. Right now, eh, I’m actually quite blind in–”

Snoke cut him off with a huge, weary sigh. “FINE. Get the medidroids to fix your precious eye. But leave the rest. I want a nice, red ‘bad boy’ scar.”

“Yes master,” murmured Kylo Ren, backing swiftly away towards the turbo lift (there followed the awkward period of waiting for it to arrive – by the time the doors finally opened, an already irate Snoke was roaring that continually hitting the ‘down’ button wouldn’t make it come any faster).

When the lift doors finally closed (with Kylo already beginning to smash up his helmet – thank God that little phase was over) Snoke was surprised to feel a deep wave of foreboding, rather than relief. He suddenly wished he’d followed his original idea from years back – to simply have Ren and his wretched band of Knights neutered.

*************************************************************

THREE DAYS LATER

Far away, on a craggy Island in the sea, it was dawn. Rey of Jakuu woke with sunlight tickling her eyes, yawned and stretched. The salty sea air filled her lungs to the sound of crashing waves peppered with shrieks and coos of nesting porgs. Rey opened her eyes to the window of her little hut, to mossy green hills rolling all the way to the straggly yellow grass of the cliff-top.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so much at peace.

Master Skywalker had sulked off somewhere a few nights ago, but she was confident of bringing him around – both to returning with her to the Resistance, and to training her in the ways of the Jedi. Afterall, it wasn’t like they were in a desperate hurry, or being chased across the galaxy by Snoke’s forces. The Resistance had gotten well clear of the First Order after the destruction of Star Killer base. General Organa had forewarned that Luke would need convincing, and advised Rey to treat the time on Ahch-To as a little holiday. All of the Resistance, safe in their outer rim beach-planet base, would essentially be taking a much needed break for a while. And the General had stressed that Rey, after her fraught interactions with Kylo Ren over the last hectic week, had especially earnt it.

Kylo Ren. Now there was someone she couldn’t stop thinking about. The sea air, the languid pace of island life… Rey had caught herself yesterday, as she lay on the soft grass in the shade, thinking about his eyes…his fluffy hair…those arms … and suddenly found her fingers inside her underwear. Kriffing Hell. She hadn’t felt the urge to do that for years, and now...Kylo Ren. He really was deeply, weirdly…extremely… HOT. Too bad he was also a father-murdering, dark side git whom she would have to promptly slaughter if they ever came face to face again. But that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Right now… she would just relax…. keep thinking about his looong, hot, red lightsaber….

Rey’s fingers were in her pants again.

******************************************************

On the other side of the galaxy, in the bowels of the Supremacy, Kylo Ren had snuck out of his bedroom to the med bay (against Snoke’s orders to sit and wait for the Force bond to open, but how long could he be expected to hold that pose on the bed?! Plus, he was getting cold). His eye was finally healed, and the surgidroid was in the process of properly suturing his wound (the previous stitching, which Snoke had insisted Kylo do himself as punishment, was dire. He may have excelled at calligraphy at Luke’s academy, but his Jedi cross-stitch had always been lacking).

As the droid’s many metal fingers whirred and fluttered along Kylo’s scar, his thoughts again drifted to the woman who had put it there. He could see her so clearly in his mind’s eye – bosom heaving, eyes blazing – almost as fierce as the lightsaber she’d claimed as her own. Rey. That wild, beautiful scavenger girl. Snowflakes in her hair…sunlight in her eyes…it really was uncanny, how well he could picture her, see her even, as though she were lying not six feet from him, half asleep with one hand thrust down her–

Wait. What?

***********************************************************

Rey’s mind was as busy as her fingers, working a fantasy that was fast becoming a favourite. She was once again strapped to the interrogation rack, this time bound with soft leather, and wearing a floaty white dress she’d once seen in a holomag. Her hair was loose in soft waves around her neck (it was also washed, something Rey admittedly often didn’t get the chance to do in the middle of the desert).

“You know I can take whatever I want.” In her fantasy, Kylo’s mask-muffled words whispered in her ear. He stepped before her and ripped off the mask – dark, beautiful hair falling around his shoulders. And then somehow, all his clothes came off with the mask too! One hand reached to the bodice of her dress as he whispered-

“Um, hi…?”

Rey froze. Kylo wasn’t naked anymore, nor was he lunging for her heaving bosom. In fact he was sitting down with a weird, slightly creepy smile on his scarred face. And they weren’t in the interrogation room, he was there, right with her, in her hut…

Rey opened her eyes. Six feet from her, Kylo Ren was sitting on a Sacred Jedi Flower Pot with a confused, queasy smile.

Her fingers shot out of her pants almost as fast as the other hand fumbled for her blaster. From instinct born from years of being a young girl alone in a roughshod community, Rey pulled the trigger and fired. Kylo Ren yelped, and promptly disappeared.

Rey started at the smoking hole she had just created in the wall. What in kriffing hell had just happened?!

*************************************************************

On the other side of the Island, on his trusty thinking rock, Luke Skywalker came out of his Force meditation and cackled. He’d seen it all. It looked as though he wouldn’t have to do very much at all to stop Ben Solo getting the girl, given said girl’s first instinct had been to shoot his nephew in the face.

For the first time in days, the Jedi Master smiled.

*************************************************************

In deep space, within the Supremacy med bay, Kylo Ren was relieved to discover no actual bullet hole was wedged in his stomach (although granted there could not be a more convenient place to sustain a life-threatening injury). Thankfully the Force Bond didn’t appear to work THAT way. Still…it hadn’t gone as hoped, even though he’d given Rey the winning smile Snoke had made him practice for hours in the mirror. And – oh KRIFF – had she really doing what he thought she was–

“KYLO REN, LEADER OF THE KNIGHTS OF REN!” Snoke’s enormous holographic head suddenly filled the chamber, voice booming. Kylo gulped.

“You. FAILED!!”

As bolts of force lightening rippled across the screaming young man’s body, the surgidroid gave a mechanical sigh and once again launched NoDiefromForceFry.exe

Chapter Text

The Force connection opened only two days later, during an afternoon shower on Ahch-To. Rey stood outside the falcon, head backwards, filling her mouth with rainwater (she would never, ever get over the luxury of fresh water simply pouring from the sky). It was this ungainly (yet weirdly arousing) vision that greeted Kylo Ren in his chambers. His first reaction was curiosity, the second relief (five minutes earlier he’d been on the toilet).

Rey’s head snapped up, inhaling rain water in her haste. She tried to balance a haughty glare with coughing. Kylo politely waited until she’d finished.

“Why is the Force connecting us? You and I?”

Rey hiccupped and forced herself to stand tall.

“Murderous snake! It’s too late I found Skywalker! And- I don’t know what you thought you caught me doing last time this…thing between us happened…but it wasn’t THAT.”

“Did Skywalker tell you what happened? The night I destroyed his temple?” Kylo knew he was going off script but was genuinely curious.

“I know EVERYTHING I need to know about you.”

Rey meant it. Or that is, at least everything she wanted to hear from Luke. She’d been ecstatic when the old Jedi had announced he’d train her, but so far it had been a series of dreary lectures and dull meditations. He hadn’t even let her explore the vagina cave under the island, becoming extremely prissy on the subject. And every lesson ended with the same long (surprisingly expletive-peppered) monologue on the obnoxious adolescent Ben Solo. Ben, who had lashed out at his Uncle when he’d simply bought him some warm milk one night. And burnt his school down! Everything that happened was irrefutably, unequivocally BEN’S fault, not Luke’s.

So Rey was deeply relieved that morning when Luke wandered off to visit his sea cow girlfriend. Chewie had gone canoeing with the snooty caretakers, leaving her to enjoy the alone time she had previously always taken for granted.

And now kriffing Kylo Ren was here! Looming before her, all black-clad and emo, blocking her nice view of the rainy sea. Although truth be told the view wasn’t quite ruined…against the gloomy sky and white splashes of sea, Kylo’s pale face was oddly fitting, almost beautiful…a gothic Aqua Man from the deep… actually hadn’t she recently had a dream where-

“You do? Ah, you do.” Kylo’s murmur sent a pleasant spiral to Rey’s nether regions. She steadied herself inwardly as he took a step further. “You have that look in your eye from the forest. When you called me a monster.”

“You are a monster,” Rey said automatically, thinking of her dream (there had been tentacles, and- yep, he was a monster all right.)

“Yes I am,” he agreed. His answer surprised both of them. Kylo knew Snoke would be furious at him for not using the pickup lines they’d rehearsed. But Rey’s words had touched the aching spot that had been hurting since he’d killed his gruff old Dad and felt his mother’s heart break across the Force.

Rey blinked, and he knew the wave of self-loathing and misery had washed over her too. She looked stunned, and – standing in her soaked poncho, three buns bedraggled from the rain – suddenly very unsure of herself.

Kylo took a step further, his enormous dark eyes fixed on hers…

*******************************************************************

At the very moment Luke Skywalker was crouched down the other side of the Falcon, teeth gritted. He’d known damn well the Force bond was going to open again. He’d thought he’d sufficiently prepared Rey, but apparently not! Luke had presented in great detail the terrible things Ben Solo had done at his ruined Jedi academy (admittedly omitting a few details, but for the greater good). He’d described what a moody, greasy-haired little shit Ben had been, before he got his eight pack and stupid black helmet.

Luke had encouraged pure, sexless meditation (although Rey, typical hormonal teenager, had instantly been drawn to the Ahch-To vag cave). He had discretely followed Rey all day, giving her the space she needed, just in case things didn’t go to plan… which was exactly what was happening right now! Clearly light side common sense and virtue were no match for puppy eyes against a dark sea.

Well. Luke would have to resort to…less intellectual, less spiritual ways of putting out the spark. Back in the day, he’d done enough long-haul trips on the Falcon with Han and his sister to know how to kill romance. Heck he’d run a school promoting abstinence in Force-horny adolescents. Let no one say Luke Skywalker wasn’t an expert in ruining the moment.

*******************************************************************

“Why is the Force connecting us?” Kylo repeated.

Rey didn’t answer. She was looking at his scar, the angry red slash across his cheek.

“Did it hurt?” she asked mindlessly. Kylo took another step closer. Very slowly, Rey raised her hand towards his face…

“RE-EY!” a voice rang out cheerfully. Rey froze.

“Kriff,” she muttered, before calling sweetly, “Not a good time Luke! Just doing some delicate repairs under the thrusters!” (hehehe thrusters)

“Luke,” Kylo muttered.

“Yes, you can hear him?!” Rey said, surprised. But before Kylo could respond-

“I just wanted to tell you that if you get your PERIOD, the caretakers said you can use the extra cotton flax wraps as TAMPONS for HEAVY FLOW DAYS!”

Rey turned absolutely pale. Then red. Very red.

“and if you get PERIOD cramps, you know, from your PERIOD Rey, try thala siren hind milk. you need to keep SQUEEZING the NIPPLE-”

“OKAY THANKS LUKE I ABSOLUTELY GET IT.” Rey squawked. She risked a glance at Kylo, who appeared mystified (Dark side sex-ed evidently didn’t cover specifics of female biology). But the moment was ruined, and a second later Kylo faded to mist as the connection closed.

Rey swore and covered her face with her hand. On the other side of the Falcon, Master Skywalker cackled in victory.

*******************************************************************

“Well DONE my good and faithful apprentice!” Snoke boomed. He nodded approvingly at Kyo’s bowed head. He had summoned the boy to his throne room as soon as la fille jedi broke the connection (having seen it all through the Force himself of course).

“Little Jedi-filly’s all hot and bothered by you! Just the damned old man got in the way.”

“Yes Supreme Leader,” Kylo murmured. His thoughts were muddled, seeing only Rey’s hazel eye and outstretched fingers. Something had almost happened…then his Uncle was shouting about pyramids and Rey seemed embarrassed for some reason.

“You’re getting under her skin, boy- I mean Sport. Even if you did–” (and here Snoke glared at him) “deviate from the script.”

“I apologise Supreme Leader,” Kylo said aloud. Internally: Oh Rey, Rey, your hazel eyes do make my day, I only want to say-

“Stop writing terrible poetry in your head boy!” Snoke roared. “Nice-guys-don’t-get-the-girl, remember rule 87? It’s time to remind her she’s nothing and that her parents are dead.”

“Oh. Won’t that hurt her feelings?”

“That’s the point!! Do it right and then she’ll only have ‘your big strong arms to run into!’” Snoke’s voice assumed a hideously shrill falsetto, making Kylo shudder inwardly. From the corner of his eye he saw a red-clad guard do the same. Snoke lazily flicked his hand and the insolent guard went sprawling, then gestured for Kylo to stand.

“Now back to your chambers. Shirt off.”

“Please Supreme Leader…it gets cold.” (Kylo was damn sure that son-of-a-bitch Hux was turning up the air conditioning on purpose).

“Stop your pathetic sniveling! Go now. And OIL UP THOSE NIPPLES.”

*******************************************************************

Rey had well and truly had enough by the time the Force connection opened a third time. Luke had been excessively cheerful all afternoon. Their training session had not even touched on the Force or the Jedi, but been a three-hour lecture on the lifecycle of porgs. By nightfall she was marching to the Falcon in a huff, wanting to spend the evening as far away from the irritating old Jedi master as possible. She didn’t want to see or talk to anyone, thank you very much, and huffed with annoyance at the now familiar prickles of the Force Bond.

“So not in the mood Kylo,” she snapped. “Now is not- …not…the time…”

On turning she was confronted by an enormous, gleaming white eight pack rising from a pair of unexpectedly high-waisted trousers.

"So. Rey.”

“Wha..huh?” said Rey, who had barely noticed there was a head above the magnificent torso.

“I suppose you want to know who your parents are.”

“Wha…no, no I’m good,” said Rey, smiling stupidly.

Kylo liked that smile. Almost as much as her pink cheeks, and the fact she was appearing to him now RIGHT BESIDE HIS BED. Holding his breath, Kylo took a step closer. Rey’s lips actually parted and... was that a gasp?

Rey’s eyes had dropped to his chest again. He was so close…would the Force actually let them…touch?

“REEEEYYYY!” a sing-song voice called out.

Every cell in Rey’s body twisted and stared to die. Oh no not again. Not now.

“Just a reminder that only number-ones go in the hut latrines. For number-twos use the hole under the POOP-tree in the woods. So next time you do a POO-”

“YES YES I GET IT LUKE!” she screeched.

“Poos under the poop-tree, just remember!”

“He’s right Rey, it’s very important to use the poop-tree,” Kylo agreed solemnly (some lessons from Jedi school remained).

Rey looked at him blankly then make a sound somewhere between a scream and a groan. She abruptly turned into the glossy Ahch-To night. Kylo’s heart sank as her image shimmered and vanished, just like the eh, special lady-holos he sometimes watched in bed. And then a roaring Snoke burst into his head (HUMAN DEFECATION HABBITS WAS NOT PART OF THE SCRIPT BOY!)

*******************************************************************

Luke was almost whistling by the time he reached his special thinking rock. He hadn’t felt this pleased and accomplished since Yavin 4 (ok it was no Death Star, but all was relative). Perhaps it had been a mistake to cut himself off from the Force for so long. Luke’s spirit felt so alive, better than it had in years! He slung himself up and crossed his legs, and found himself actually smiling as he closed his eyes to meditate-

Only to look directly into a pair of ferocious brown eyes.

“Hello Luke,” hissed Leia.

The Jedi Master let out a short, sharp scream.

Chapter Text

“Heeeeey sis!” said Luke. “It’s so good to see you!”

Leia crossed her arms and simply glared. She had of course grown older, but Leia was still as immaculately (and intimidatingly) turned out as Luke remembered. Her gown was regal, silver hair in series of elabourate buns, and she sat tall in the commanders’ seat of what was clearly an impressively large spacecraft. Luke was suddenly all too conscious of sitting in tatty robes on a weather-battered rock.

“I guess I should apologise for going off grid, I’ve just been so-”

“Cut the bullshit,” she snapped. “I know exactly what you’re doing and you’re going to stop it. NOW.”

“I’ve go no idea what you-”

“Stop-” she hissed, raising a finger as if to jab him through the Force, “-interfering between Rey and my son.”

“Leia,” said Luke suddenly. “I’m so terribly sorry about Han. If I’d kn-”

Leia cut him off with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“Yes, yes, Han is dead – our son killed him – cry me a river! We need to focus on the present.”

Luke blinked. Sometimes he forgot how hardened his twin was, after a lifetime of losing pretty much everyone she loved. Now including, he thought guiltily, himself. Maybe he could-

“Are you even listening?” Leia barked. Luke sat up straight.

“Of course!”

“As I was saying. If anyone has a chance of bringing Ben back, it’s Rey.”

Luke frowned. Really? All that talent and promise, and Leia saw Rey’s purpose as solely to redeem that miserable little sh-

“I can read your thoughts idiot!” Leia cut in. “Of course it’s not her job to save him. But if it’s destiny for her to inspire the light left...who are we – or rather you, Luke – to interfere?”

“But Snoke! Leia, you must realise he’ll be using Ben to try and get Rey?”

“Of course I do. But I believe in Rey,” Leia said simply. “And I still believe in my son.” Her gaze softened. Luke’s heart lurched as just a hint of her grief and longing swept through the Force.

“Let them be Luke,” she said. “For me. And for Han. Oh and the whole galaxy that you apparently chose to stop caring about.”

And, because he loved her – had loved them both, so much – Luke agreed.

**************************************************************

Luke agreed – he really had. He wasn’t going to interfere between Rey and his nephew anymore, no matter how disgusting the outcome.

But ignoring them turned out to be a lot harder than expected.

Spring was coming alive on Achtu – the wind was fresh, the flowers bloomed and the porgs humped awkwardly by the cliffs. The sea cows were swollen with green milk (mmmmm!) and Rey and his nephew were getting…close. Newly reconnected to the Force as he was, it was impossible for Luke to not be attuned to…well, everything. And so it was, as he tried to sleep that night, he heard everything in Rey’s stone hut as though listening to a play…

    REY: (crying) So I went into that vag cave and there were all these me’s in this
    weird mirror and then it wouldn’t show me my parents even though I really wanted
    it too.

    KYLO: That sucks. Say. You’re all wet…and shivering…

    REY: I know…this thin blanket just doesn’t help very much...

     (sound of blanket dropping to the floor)

    KYLO: (swallows) Maybe we should, you know, get you out of those wet clothes

    REY: Yes…why…you’re sweating Ben…I think you must be overheated

    KYLO: It is quite warm here on the Supremacy, maybe I should-

    REY: -take your shirt off, that’s an excellent idea. I’ll help you.

     (the sound of ripping frabric. A giggle.)

    KYLO: wait…did you just actually take my shirt off?

    REY: Holy Shit I did. That means we can-

    KYLO: -touch…

Luke quickly opened his eyes and sat up. OK. So he wasn’t getting any sleep that night. That was fine, he could do something else, he could…read. Yes! Read. The sacred jedi texts! Never had they seemed more appealing. He reached for the dusty tome by his bed (it had admittedly been there for a while, he’d never quite gotten round to starting it) and eagerly opened it…only to look upon the first page in horror.

For the Sacred Jedi texts were a living part of the Force, meaning the very pages shifted and changed with surrounding energies. Which in turn meant-

“Noooooooo!” wailed Luke. But too late, his eyes absorbed it, none the less:

“The maiden’s doe eyes widened as their fingers laced together. The glow of the flames licked her face as the Dark Lord stood and pulled the maiden to her feet. He drew her to him tightly – her high, pert breasts pressing against his chest, and oh, the feeling of flesh against flesh, together at last! Her dewy lips parted as his mouth pressed to hers, arms encircling her waist as her hands found his thick, dark hair. “We should continue this,” the maiden gasped between kisses, “in the Falcon, so the old geezer doesn’t interrupt again.” “Excellent idea,” the dark lord murmured into her ear, before encircling it with his lips. “Preferably- ah!” moaned the maiden, “-in deep space, as I really, really don’t want to be interrupted.” The Dark Lord nodded, then pressed his swollen lips to hers once more. She moaned at the feel of his growing hardness against her, like a space slug desperately searching for its moist asteroid cave-”

The sacred jedi text went flying across the room. “Too much information! Too much information!” Luke howled. “Too much-” He stopped as an unfamiliar noise filled the quiet island night. What was it? A humming, almost like that of a space freighter getting ready for departure…oh no. What was it he’d just read in the Sacred Jedi Sext? Something about going to the Falcon and….deep space.

Luke sprang to his feet. He had promised Leia but some things were more important right now. Throwing open his door, the old Jedi broke into the fastest sprint of his life.

*************************************************************

It was finally happening. Belonging, understanding, love, the Force…kriff…so much FORCE…wrapped in Kylo’s arms Rey was a trembling, purring mess. The Falcon was almost as ruined as she was – pillows, bedding and clothes strewn in the bedroom, lightsabers on the floor, dents in the wall, broken air vents in the ceiling. Turns out when two powerful, sexually repressed Force users finally lost their V-cards, it was quite an event. Rey’s whole body still throbbed, tingled, a Naboo-Waterfall of cum and slick between her legs. She’d never been so happy. And Kylo – silky hair brushing her nipples as he joyfully motorboated her – Rey had a hunch he felt the same.

Kylo himself was beyond actual thought. Glancing at her flushed face before returning to her delicious little mounds, there was no thought of the Force – light or dark, of Snoke, the First Order, the Resistance – there was just this moment, this glorious woman, his love, his life, because BEN SOLO JUST GOT BALLS DEEP BITCHES.

Rey snorted. “Don’t be disgusting.”

“Sorry.”

“Was it how you imagined?”

“Better. You?”

Rey nodded. They were both terrible at it, of course, but they’d been terrible together. The bond had let them directly experience what the other was feeling – he’d known what she liked, how hard she liked it, and when it was the wrong hole. And she’d known to be more careful next time with that spongy thing behind his very large cock (they’d had to pause a good 10 minutes after that).

She smiled up at her new lover, twisting her fingers into his soft hair.

“I can’t believe I’m here with you.

“I know. Just the two of us, alone.

“Except Artoo.”

Rey was pretty sure the pervy little droid had been videotaping them – Kylo had had to throw his enormous pants to block the camera. As if reading her mind, cheerful muffled beeps chimed from the corner of the room.

“No Luke’s back on Ahch-To. You can say goodbye when we go back for Chewie,” Rey replied.

“IS HE INDEED?” a voice boomed. A shriek pierced the air (wow just like when she’d kneed him in the spongy bits earlier) as Rey’s head whipped furiously to the grizzled spectre in the doorway.

“What THE FUCK Luke?! When did you come aboard?!”

Chapter Text

“JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING YOUNG LADY?”

Rey stood up, naked, hands on hips.

“What does it look like?!”

Luke rolled his eyes.

“Not that. This isn’t about your oh-so-typical crush on porg-eyes here-” Luke waved his hand towards Kylo, who had scrunched himself in the corner of the bed. One of Rey’s armbands was draped across his lap for modesty. His big, frightened eyes really did resemble a porg’s ... a porg with silky black hair on a ridiculously ripped body...

“Two minutes Rey! Can I get two minutes with your brain please?!” Luke snapped. “As I was saying, why are you trusting Kylo Ren? He’s luring you to Snoke!”

“He’s not!”

“No I’m not!” piped up Kylo, “Well yes, I am. But just to kill him and rule the galaxy in his place. Together.”

“See Luke? He’s not- wait…,” Rey turned to Kylo. “You’re what!?”

Kylo stared back guilelessly, porg-eyes sparkling.

“We’re going to rule the galaxy together Rey!”

“But Kylo…Ben! I thought we were going to the Resistance!”

“Oh HELL no. Mom is going to kill me, I’ll be grounded for light years.”

“You see Rey?” said Luke triumphantly. “This is the kind of man he is, ready to betray you, to betray his own master!”

“In my defence, killing one’s master is a standard part of Dark Side curriculum,” Kylo argued. He looked back at Rey, hunched on the bed. “Rey baby?”

“I think I need a moment,” Rey said stiffly. Dear Gods, had this all been a mistake?

Kylo’s lower lip trembled. He turned to Luke, glaring.

“And why should she trust you Uncle? You tried to kill me – your own nephew – in my sleep!”

Rey looked up in surprise at that. Luke frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“I woke up and you were standing over me with your lightsaber! Right over my head! It’s why I finally went to Snoke, because my own Uncle wanted me dead.”

“Luke…is this true?” said Rey, scandalised. “You said you were just bringing him hot milk!”

Luke stared at his nephew, at Rey, then back to Kylo. And then he did the last thing they expected – he burst out laughing.

“Oh… forgive me,” he giggled. “But you’re saying that night – that night when you burnt down my school, pinched my best students for your boy band, and ran away to the dark side… you thought I was trying to kill you?”

Kylo frowned.

“Yes and I’d appreciate you taking one of my life-defining moments a bit more seriously.”

“I wasn’t trying to kill you Ben,” Luke said steadily. “I was just trying to cut your stupid hair.”

There was a very long, tense moment of silence.

“How could you Luke!” demanded Rey finally. “It’s his best feature! Although…I suppose it’s not quite as bad as trying to kill him.”

Luke threw his arms up. “I know, I know, it wasn’t very Jedi-mastery of me, but it was Yoda’s idea and Obi-Wan dared me. I failed you Ben. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure you are,” spluttered Kylo. “I hope your drinking game with the Force Ghosts at my expense was worth all those people I killed.”

“Now now Ben, you’d have killed just as many on the other side as Jedi. Remember, we must accept accountability for our actions. A Jedi must always-“

”Oh Kriff-off Luke, you have zero credibility now.” Rey snapped. She looked between them – her once idolised Master Skywalker and her enemy-turned-lover, with whom she ought clearly to have had ‘the talk’ with before jumping into bed. She wondered if she could make a run for the Falcon’s escape pod.

“So what’s your brillian plan now Uncle?” Kylo huffed. “Finish my haircut? Or are you really here to kill me this time?”

“Neither,” said Luke smugly. “Because the joke’s on you AGAIN boy! I’m not really here!”

Rey blinked and for the first time looked at Luke properly. She suddenly realised he wasn’t his usual bedraggled mess – hair and beard trimmed, Jedi robes neatly pressed.

“I fooled you!” Luke was crowing. “I just wanted to scare your ass and bust up this little fling, before Snoke made her into ‘Kylo Rey’! I’m actually still on my trusty thinking rock, projecting myself from thousands and thousands of miles away!”

“But uncle…” Kylo said. “Doesn’t that take a tremendous amount of power? Strong enough to…”

He never finished his sentence. At that very moment the old Jedi stopped cackling, grasped his chest, and disappeared.

************************

Far away, on his trusty thinking rock, Luke Skywalker’s heart gave out. As he became one with the Force over the stormy Ahch-To sunrise, the Jedi Master’s life flashed before his eyes. His one last thought: didn’t think this one through very well...

****************

Back on the Falcon, in deep space, Rey was getting dressed. Kylo watched mournfully from the bed.

“Don’t go.”

“You haven’t given me a choice.” She snatched her arm band from his lap, causing a yelp.

“Please Rey.”

“We want different things!”

“I want…just you.” He sat up and pulled her to him, forcing her to look him in the eye. “I love you Rey.”

Rey ducked her head, trying to hide the tears filling her eyes. Oh, how long she’d waited for someone to tell her that.

“I love you too,” she whispered.

Kylo cupped her cheek, brushing a rolling tear away.

“We can let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels-“

“I don’t want me friends to die!” Rey cried, “And Skywalker, well, I think he did just die…poor old Luke... and Snoke…maybe if he died...”

Kylo smiled at his love. The choice was simple.

“Then there’s something that will work for both of us. I know what I have to do.”

EPILOGUE (24 hours later)

It was the party of the century: a time for the Resistance to celebrate the end of war, of tyranny, of long dreary days and nights of bloody service. The wine and beer flowed freely, along with laughter and tears, as the men, women and aliens of General Organa’s Resistance celebrated the death of Supreme Leader Snoke and the destruction of the First Order. Kisses were shared, drinking matches started and bawdy games of ‘Never Ever’ begun.

“Play it again BB-8!” called Rose. She was sitting in Finn’s lap, knocking back a tenth Bloody Rancor. A roar of cheers met her request as BB-8 once again beamed the giant holo recording currently being streamed in a million places across galaxy: Kylo Ren killing Snoke to save Rey, the two of them uniting back-to-back (SHE GRABBED HIS ASS! Rose shouted) and defeating the red lobster guards. And then, collapsing into a passionate embrace on the floor of the ruined throne room. As always, the audience booed as the recording stopped before the really good stuff started (although there were whispers R2-D2 had something really, really interesting to share…)

Away from the crowd, beside the smiling General Organa, Poe Dameron frowned.

“Everyone seems to forget,” he said loud enough to be overheard, “that Kylo Ren is still a war criminal.”

“Piss off Dameron!” shouted Paige Tico, drunk on Fuzzy Tauntauns. “Hey everyone! ‘I have Never Ever made it with Poe Dameron!’” The crowd cheered as nearly every man, woman and alien aised a glass to their lips. Poe’s pouting gave way to a smirk.

“Let them have their fun Poe,” Leia said, lowering her glass. “It’s been a long, hard war.”

“Forgive me General I know he’s your son. But what are we going to do with him when he arrives?”

“Oh, I don’t think we’ll be seeing Ben and Rey anytime soon.” Leia ruffled Poe’s hair and pushed him towards the bar. “Scoot along and get your General another Bloody Rancor. And buy one for Connix too, I notice she missed that last round.”

Poe’s eyes lit up (challenge accepted!) as he hurried off. Leia leant back in her chair, smiling at the happy faces around her. It were the moments like this for which it was all worth it – the long fight, the failures, the losses. She was an old woman, every day the Force world beyond this one became clearer. Sometimes glimpses of her late parents – Breha’s smile, Bail’s silhouette – caught her eye. Or her late husband’s lopsided, panty-dropping grin (oh Han...). Even those she’d hardly known – a robed Obi-Wan Kenobi with a fair-haired, sorrowful Jedi she knew to be Anakin Skywalker. The latter was often accompanied by a gaggle of nagging, chanting padawans (SHUT UP! he would shout I’LL ORDER 66 YOU LITTLE BASTARDS AGAIN, I’LL DO IT), other times Leia’s beautiful, glamorous birth mother, who gazed at her with Ben’s eyes.

Leia welcomed these Force presences and the circle of life they shared. Although she was less welcoming of those directly behind her right now, arguing loudly and ruining her good mood.

“I won Skywalker! My superior seduction advice helped him win the girl!”

“Oh please. They were so horny the Force rearranged physics to let them do it. Nothing could stop that.”

“Sore loser, Jedi? Bitter that the Dark Side WON?!”

“Won HOW exactly? The First Order’s gone, and your own apprentice cut you in half with MY old lightsaber!”

The Force Ghost of former Supreme Leader Snoke scowled. He was a bit annoyed about that, especially as he’d come back as a floating half-torso. Made even more irritating by Skywalker’s spirit being completely naked (As free and natural as all living things! he’d proclaim loudly to anyone who listened). Their new height difference also put Snoke directly level with Luke’s crotch, meaning he had to be very careful with the way he turned his head.

“Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Thought I had a bit longer though ... didn’t think the little shit had the balls yet.”

“Oh he has no balls,” Luke agreed. “Hadn’t seen me in a decade and SCREAMED like a little girl when I surprised them.”

Leia gritted her teeth at the sound of chuckling.

“At least you got him to destroy the helmet,” Luke continued.

“It was only slightly worse than having to look at his stupid face.”

“Or listen to his awful ‘music’.”

“Oh God if there’s one good thing about death, it’s to never have to attend another Knights of Ren concert!”

“All right that’s quite enough,” Leia interjected. “I hope you’ve both learnt not to meddle with affairs of the heart. Not when the Force ships it too.”

There was a brief silence before a mocking “ooOoooOooh!” behind her. And then laughter.

Leia spun around with a look that literally put the fear of death in Death itself. Both Ghosts shrank back, half drunk cocktail glasses in hand. Cearly both the living and dead were partying tonight.

“We’ll leave them alone Leia. Really this time,” Luke promised.

“I’m so proud of the boy,” Snoke whispered, misty-eyed.

Leia rolled her eyes, turned, and firmly tuned them both out. She had other things to think about: a secret wedding to plan, her birth mother’s dresses to unpack and pass on to her daughter-in-law to be. She’d see them both on Endor, where they would marry and also – Rey had explained in her crypted holo – take care of a pesky Palpatine problem. And then they would vanish – but not to Leia. Last night she’d dreamed of holding a baby girl in her arms. All Leia wanted was to live long enough to meet her granddaughter.

A rowsing chorus interrupted her thoughts – her officers were toasting her.

“May the Force be with you,” she called back. Then added with a whisper. “And with all of us, both now and then.”