Archive of Our Own ^beta

I wish I could stand on a star

I wish I could be where you are

They say, "don't you ever give up"

It's so hard to be somethin' when you're not

But I have walked alone with the stars in the moonlit night

I have walked alone, no one by my side

Now I walk with you with my head held high

In the darkest sky, I feel so alive

-Lyrics taken from “Charlie’s Song / Walk With Me” by Bella Thorne-

Halfway during the drive to Berkeley, Charlie felt his heart drop. It makes no sense, he knows. Katie is no longer there, back where he left her. He won’t find her strumming her guitar and singing softly, humming that haunting melody that comforted everyone but herself at the train station near midnight. Won’t find her laughing and dancing in the ice cream parlor to a song which only she seemed to hear, when Morgan let them in after closing hours. Won’t find her running down the steps in giddiness while his ancient truck rambled down her street, the engine coughing before coming to an awkward stop in front of her gate.

He knew all that and more.

Knew that she won’t be watching him from behind her windows when he drove past her house today. Knew she won’t be cheering him from the bleachers when he dives into the pool next time. Knew she won’t be there next time he takes a boat out on the sea, smiling up at the sun as if she was thanking it for giving her life, when in fact it was the sun that took her away from his arms.

Yes, he knew all this. Knew it with an aching heart as he watched her ashes floating on the wind and dancing on water. Funny how that’s all that was left of her. She, who could fit snugly against him when they cuddled close, as if she was made just for him; her soft curves melting against his hard muscles like wax to heat and he melted, oh how he melted each time she came close, her lips whispering long-held secrets against the determined angle of his jaw.

Funny how someone who seemed so full of life, someone whose smile had lit up his darkest nights could be gone just like that. She was there one day and the next day she was gone—poof. Days and weeks after she left his world, he still can’t believe it. Can’t believe that he won’t be able to see her again. That she won’t come running into his arms when he spread them wide open, calling her name. That she won’t be kissing him that long kiss goodnight, before hopping out of his truck in a hurry, a sly grin flashing on her face at his “please don’t go” plea at the end of their dates. That she won’t be crushing herself into him, like the waves crashing against the shore; as if they have always belonged together.

Nope, he couldn’t believe it, not until he ran into Mr. Price grocery shopping at the mart two weekends ago. Watching Katie’s father from the back, Charlie couldn’t help but to notice the broken slope of the older man’s shoulders as he absent-mindedly picked up a carton of chocolate milk, Katie’s favourite, before realising that he no longer needs it, replacing it with a carton of white milk instead.

“Hey, son. Nice to see you around.” He said, when Charlie laid a hand on his shoulder, muttering a ‘Hi, Mr. Price” and mustering what he hoped seemed like a smile upon his face.

“When are you leaving for Berkeley?”

“Soon..a couple of weeks, something like that.”

“Great…well, drop by for dinner sometime. I’ll cook something up for you and Morgan before you leave.”

“Sure, sir. I’ll call you.” He nodded, as Mr Price patted his arm and left, carrying the basket that now contains groceries for one instead of the usual two.

He stared at the carton of chocolate milk and realised that he wasn’t the only one who was missing Katie. So is her dad. So is Morgan. So is Fred, who could no longer enjoy the free entertainment as he started his night shifts at the train station.

His fingers reached for the milk, as a piece of rock lodge itself somewhere in his throat. God, Katie..I need you..we, we all do.

“You’re my first, Katie.” He whispered that once, when she was lost in reverie.

“Really?” she countered, dumbfounded.

He simply nodded. The first girl I ever loved.

“Well…I like that—being your first.” She lay her lips on his and he swallowed his own thoughts as he inhaled everything good about her into his broken being. Who was he kidding? She was his sun.

“I hate the sun.” He exclaimed it once, under his breath but she heard it all the same.

“Well, I don’t.” She smiled up at him, all radiant and full of positivity that she literally glowed beneath the shadows of the streetlights.

He tugged at her elbow, halting their steps and searching for the answer as he framed her face with his palms. The dead leaves crunched beneath their sneakers as they stood facing each other.

“…How come?” It’s killing you, can’t you see that?

“It’s not the sun’s fault that I’m this way.” She smiled again, but less convincing this time.

“Whose fault is it then?” My fault, my own damn fault. If I only knew, if only you had told me. God, if I only knew it back then, Katie. I wouldn’t have taken you out that late, would have made sure you’re back by midnight, would have—

“It’s no one’s fault—so either you quit the self-blame or I swear I’m gonna come back and haunt you after I’m dead. I’ll be like…Charlieeeee, Charlieeee, open the dooorrr…”

“Don’t say that.”

“Sorry—after I’m…gone? There, sounds better to your fragile sensitivity?” She teased, mirth dancing in her eyes.

“I don’t want you gone..” He said, for the fifteenth times.

“Charlie, you know the choice is not mine to make. Come on, it’s date night and can we please talk about something less morbid than my upcoming death?”

“Dr. Fleming said the study was closed down coz they’re short of funding, right? What if we start something like…like a fundraiser for XP?”

“Charlie.”

“I know some people, perhaps I can go talk to them and—”

“Charlie, listen to me.”

“and…fuck, I..I don’t know, Katie. Tell me what I can do.”

“…well…are you done now? Will you listen to me?”

“…”

“I love you.”

“What?”

“I love you, Charlie Reed. Loved you since I first saw you walking by my window when I was a kid. Loved you even when you were sporting that freaking ugly buzz-cut that you think made you look way cool. Loved you when you skateboarded your way to school in your graduation gown. Loved you when you took me to Seattle, to experience my first ever live show. Loved you even when I wanted to die of embarrassment when you made me sing in front of strangers at the pier. Loved you when you laughed at my dad’s corny jokes, which I knew is not that funny.”

“…”

“Not to freak you out—but I have loved you all my life. And if I have more time in this life, I know I will spend the remaining time loving you too.”

“Katie…”

“What I’m trying to say is…god, my dad’s right—I so suck at this. Calm down…okay…so what I’m trying to say is—I will never forgive myself if you somehow think all this is your fault. Because you didn’t know that I’m not to be exposed to sunlight. And all this…this is no one’s fault. I’m just…I’m just born this way. Like a glitch in my system, you know? But I’m lucky too, in many sense. I have an amazing dad—the best father in the world, to be more precise. I have Morgan, who yeah, has a dirty mouth at times but is the bestest friend a girl can ever have. I have Fred, who watches over me and allows me to share my music with strangers at the train station. I have Paula, who treats me more like her daughter than a doctor treats her patient. I have fond memories of my mother before the car accident. I have her talent and her beloved guitar. I have my music and I’m blessed that people like it. And…”

“And?” he whispered back, lowering his head towards her.

“…And..and I have you. Who loved me more than I love myself.”

She kissed him then, partly to shut him up but mostly because she wanted him to know how much he matters to her. How much light he has shone upon the dark recesses of her life. How many new experiences and tingling sensations she has felt, how she blossomed beneath his touch, how wide her smiles have grown each time his gaze fell on her. How alive she felt when he hugged her close and lifted her up, her feet dangling above the asphalt and she laughed into the night air, screaming at the moon and stars, daring them to fall on her. Daring them to destroy her invincible happiness.

He wished he had known her all those years, when she used to watch him pass by her window on his way to swim practice. He wished he had looked up once and noticed the darkened glass, had wondered who lived in that house, rang the bell and asked if they have a kid around his age that he could play with. Perhaps then he would have had more time with her. Would have gotten to know all of her; her likes and dislikes, the hopes and dreams harboured deep within the depths of her hazel eyes, all the heartache and unspoken thoughts hidden between her songs lyrics and the pages of her leather-bound journal.

She often said that he opened up her world, but he wondered if she knew the truth. That she was the one who saved him from his own darkness, warmed up his winter world and introduced him to the best summer of his life. That she was the one who forced him to face his own demons and fight against his fear of failure. That she was the one who reintroduced him to swimming and yet convinced him that he’s more than just the boy in the pool, more than what everyone believes he is. That he could achieve whatever he wants in life, be whoever he wants to be, and not be stuck in a place; imprisoned by an adjective or a verb.

Finding his smile again, Charlie rolled down the window and stared up at the blinding sun, revelled in the beauty of the light bouncing off the water’s surface as he navigated his truck around the ocean road and Katie’s voice floated from the radio. I love you too, my little miss sunshine.

- The End -