Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a Friday night, the bangtan boys were practicing in bighit dance studio (I dont know if this really exist or not lol) and all of them were out of breath after practicing some of their song non stop. All of them were all exhausted from all of their practice, especially Namjoon he would always be so tired cause lack of sleep and stressed he pilled up inside him, but he held it for the Army, for himself and most especially his group.

with them he felt like he could accomplish anything as long as they have his back and theirs on his. But everything went downhill on that week.
Namjoon was schrooling down his twitter and saw comments about him but he wasnt looking at the good ones, oh no he was looking at all the hate comments that was sent to him

@chimchimlove
Omg look at all of them, well dont look at that namjoon guy he ruins the picture with his presence (*O*)

@bangtan4lifuu
+@chimchimlovec I know right, he should do us all a favor and leave while he hasnt embaresed himself enough lol dont ruin my bias image with your presence (*^*)

@namjoonie^^
Hey dont say anything bad about him, HE IS MY BIAS ٩(๑'^'๑)۶

@kookieistasty
Omg look at him he looks soo fat unlike kookie, he should just be a sumo with that body of his lol

@JINNIE23
Hahaha he should just leave before he mess my jinnie's handsome face lololol

he just kept schrolling down the comments section, he kept looking until a phone icon showed up on his phone showing the name Mom on the screen, he clicked answer and put the phone near his ear.

Namjoon: hi eomma

Mom: hello joonie..

Namjoon: whats wrong? you sound sad, is there something wrong?

Mom: Joonie... your dad h-he passed away last night, he was on his way to the house when a drunk truck driver passed a red light and hit him when he was crossing the street.. i-m soo sorry joonie honey she said trying not to sob, namjoon face was blank, he couldnt process what she just said

he stood up and he went to the toilet, and locked the door thankfully the other members didnt notice him slightly crying because they were still tired from practicing. He was in the toilet crying to his jacket to muffle the sound he was making, he then put the phone near his ears again

Namjoon: e-omma when is the funeral?

Mom: tomorrow, all of the family members will be there are you going to honey? she asked him with a faint voice he answered with a heavy heart.
Namjoon: im sorry mom but the last day of the concert is tomorrow afternoon and i cant just leave instantly, what will the boys think of this, there were silent until his eomma Yelled at him

Mom: SO THATS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FATHER HUH???!! DONT EVEN BOTHER TO SHOW UP LATER DAY, HECK DONT YOU DARE SHOW YOUR FACE HERE EVER AGAIN!! she said as she hung the phone, he had tears running down on his face until he heard a knock on the door

Jungkook: Hyung are you okay? we're starting the dance practice again, as soon as he heard that he turn on the water and washed his face, hoping they wouldn't notice his face was crying. he wiped his face with a towel that was beside the sink and he unlocked the door and walked out the door with a fake smile on his face

Namjoon: i'm okay kookie, lets go back to practice

Jungkook: Okay hyung, he said as he walks back to the other member with namjoon following him from behind, in his mind he just kept saying just be strong for the group

namjoon, be the leader they want you to be, just hide your feelings for them, for your important peoples
When they were all packing their things and was going back home Namjoon told his manager Sejin about his situation

Sejin: Namjoon why dont you just take a break from the concert? Your emotionally unstable and that may effect the performance tomorrow, he said wit his arm crossing

Namjoon: but i-I dont want to disappoint the ARMY tomorrow, heck the other members has work hard enough that I dont have the heart to messed up the plans we already made, he said with a sad smile across his face

Sejin just sighed and as he was about to walk away, Namjoon pulled his arm and bowed to him
Namjoon: please dont tell the other members about my situation, it will only make them unfocus for the concert he said trying to held his tears, his manager stood there and pat his shoulder

Sejin: dont worry about it namjoonie ill keep this a secret, but I hope that you will tell them after the concert okay?, he said as he walked back to his studio
Namjoon can only held his tears from coming out of his eyes, he needed to be strong for the team because he was the leader and they are all hes got left. He looked back to see Hoseok hugging from behind

Hoseok: joonie lets go back home, we need our strength for the concert tomorrow he said smilling the brightest smile to the leader, namjoon smiled back to him and walked to the door seeing the other members are already asleep in the bighit van, he chuckled a bit and sat in the middle seat beside suga who was playing twitter on his phone, behind them was jimin, jungkook, and taehyung snoring loudly and suga was beside Jin who was driving the van.

Namjoons pov

We got home and went to our rooms. As soon as I returned to my room I quickly went to the bathroom and locked the door, I simply bended near the toilet and put 2 finger inside my mouth until I barfed a lot I didnt like doing this, but I wanted to be thin for the ARMY after I barfed I went and open the cabinet beside the mirror and took out a piece of blade and started to cut my wrist.

One . tch
Two . H
Three.
Four..
And five.haaah

The blood was running down my arm, I hissed in pain as my hand begins to swollen up I then took a bandaed and rapped it around y arms after I disinfect it. I look over to the mirror and then I smiled

Namjoon: your happy namjoon, your happy ,he said as a tear ran down his face he quickly wipped it off and went back to his bed and went to sleep trying to forget about that heavy day he's just been through *I'm sure ill be better tomorrow.. I have to..* as his eyes slowly closed and his mind drifted from the worries.....
that was his plan but fate had other things for namjoon....

Chapter Text

Namjoon's pov

In my dream i saw my family, my team, and everyone who I care about starting to drift away from me, i hold out my arms trying to grab them but they all disappeared and all i could see was darkness and coldness by myself as i was felling the cold he could see someone laying on the ground not far from me, as i looked that person was dripping blood and as his Face turn to see Namjoon face, Namjoons face was pale seeing his father bleeding in front of him with a smile and he could hear him saying

You dont care about me do you namjoon? Your own family your own blood you choose them?, and you just left me in the dark all by myself?, I wish you didnt even exist.

third person's pov

He woked up panting for breath he looked around and all he could saw was his room, he sighed

Its just a bad dream namjoon, just a bad dream

Then he look beside him and looked at the alarm clock it was 05:07 AM, he sighed he couldnt go back to sleep once he woke up, so he gets off his bed and walked out of his room and went to the kitchen as he was walking there he heard a clatter coming from the kitchen, he quickly took the first thing he saw and quietly tiptoed to the kitchen his hearth was beating fast hoping it wasnt an intruder in their house, as soon as he got closer to the sound he smelled the smell of fresh pancakes coming from the frying pan with a tall man cooking them, he sighed and his heart calming down as he know the person who had wide shoulder was cooking something

Jin: aigyoo joonie you scared me, he sad holding his hand to his heart acting all dramatically

Jin: and what are you doing holding that? , his gaze soon went to the thing namjoon was holding

Namjoon: I though you were an intruder hyung, he said while putting the mirror down

Jin:how could you think a world wide handsome like me be an intruder joonie, I am heart broken he said fake crying, namjoon just smiled

Namjoon: thank god you have a wide shoulder or else i would have hit you in the head with your own mirror haha, he laughed and Seokjin laugh with him

Jin: god if that happens jonnie I swear youll be sorry, he said trying to sound intimitaded but failed miserably seeing Namjoon was smilling instead of being scared, he continued making the pancakes he turned to Namjoon and smiled to him

Jin: do you want some jonnie?

Namjoon: sorry hyung but im not that hungry

he said smiling as he was actually starving but all of the comment telling him he was fat got to his mind and started to stave himself even more, the older saw his face but shrugged it off feeling the younger one didnt want to talk about it. In the end namjoon just drank some coffee and ate some fruit accompanying Jin who was happily eating his stacks of pancakes as usual he even praise himself and made Namjoon laugh at the olders comments, as they were chatting the other members one per one started to show up at the kitchen from the smell of fresh pancakes smelled from miles away. They all eventually got together and ate the pancakes jin made for them, and they all went to take a shower getting ready and went to the consert.

As soon as they arrived there they all could hear the screaming army outside the consert place screaming WE LOVE YOU, MARRY ME, BTS!!! We waved to them and went into the consert getting ready for the consert and some the members notice Namjoon arms was wrapped with some bandages, they were all silent until Hoseok talked

Hoseok: joonie what happened to your arm? He said with a worried face to the leader, but he just showed a faint smile showing his dimple

Namjoon: yeah im okay hobi I just accidentally cut myself with a broken glass before, he said trying to cover his bandages with his long outfit that they had to wear for the consert

They all looked relieved, not knowing the true reasons why he was using the bandages. All of a suddenly Namjoons eyes went blurry his head went all weird and he felt lightheaded, he took out some medicine that he usually brings with him and drank it with some water.

once he finished gulping his medicine and told people who walk passed him that he was just drinking his vitamins. In his mind he was only thinking about one thing the group is your priority, just suck it in and hold the pain, he was about to sit down when all of the sudden the cru told them to be standing by near the stage for their performances, he shrugged it off and walked towards the stage and in seconds they performed for the fans that were waiting for them.

the members were all doing their part with passion and without a flaw they were in perfect shape... except for their leader, in the performance Namjoon made many mistakes, he didnt look energetic, heck he accidentally made jin fell because his foot was in the way, you could say this was his worst performances yet and the other member noticed it, and their reaction to his performance was not pretty... they were upset, devastated, mad.

They knew their leader makes mistakes on stage sometimes but this takes the top of the cheery sunday, and because they were already tired from their packed schedule they all were at the end of their wits and was just holding down their fumes like they use to but namjoon's action made all of them snapped at the leader. They all went into their dressing room, there were only them inside the room because they just finished their performance and the cru and manager were rapping it up at the backstage. Namjoon sat at on of the chairs in the room with his head hung low from all the glare he's receiving from his member.

"NAMJOON-AH!!!"

Chapter Text

Jin yelled at namjoon, it wasn't his first time but this time he snapped at the younger performances, they all were and they just relieved all of their anger on their leader without them noticing it before it was too late.

Jin: Namjoon ah!! what the hell was that for?!, you made me fell on stage when we were doing the choreography and keep bumping into some of us??!! Are you even taking this seriously, he said with anger while the rest of the members just keep glaring at him

Yoongi: even when we were performing chyper 4 on stage you kept missing the beat and you almost didn't move the whole time, do you think your soo great that you didn't even need to move a muscle huh? You lazy pig, he said mumbling but was hearable by them folding both of his hand and constantly sighing.

Hoseok: and I spent my free time teaching you the dance moves, even when I was soo tired and this is the outcome? If that's so you just wasted my time and energy on you, he said with a gloomy face he rarely shows, even the maknae line was mad at the leader

Jimin: Hyung, I know you can't sing but that. That was just bulls*it ok? I'm not trying to be impolite but even an old man can sing better than that, he said holding his hand on his head while the rest of the maknae line just kept nodding on what all of the hyung's word

Namjoon was heartbroken listening to their comments, he was at the point of the breakdown he couldn't take it, he just wanted to make everyone happy but at the end he only made them suffer. "you're a failure, no one loves you, you should just disappear, we hate you, you're a mistake, do all of them a favor and just die DIE DIE DIE...... I shouldn't have even come into their lives... I hate myself" he kept thinking about it inside his head, he was lost in his head and his heart... his chest aches every time he disappoints someone, he would usually bounded back up with the love from the members... but what would he think when the members are the one who he disappoint and was ashamed of him.

Jin: I wish you weren't the leader sometimes just because you were the longest one here, if that's the only thing you can do right now, Jin said as he took his bag and went back to the van that was waiting for them.

All of the members followed him, while Namjoon just kept his head down not wanting to see the disappointed faces of the group, after a solid 5 minutes of just sitting down clearing his head and wiping the tears from his face he walked back to the van to see the other members that were pissed of by him.

Taehyung: it's about time Hyung, you can't even be on time for everything cant you?, he had a grumpy face as Namjoon walked into the van.

There was only silence in the van on their way back, when they all arrived, all of the members quickly went to their bedrooms without even talking to Namjoon after all that, even taehyung who was in the same room with him went to Jin's and Jimin's room to avoid him.
He just sighed and went to his shared room all by himself, he went to the bathroom and locked it up before looking into the mirror cabinet, tears were coming out of his eyes lime it was a waterfall, he couldn't take it anymore, he wanted to run away from reality.
He took his blade from the cabinet, doing the same cycle he has been doing every time he felt like hell and just wanted to feel something that makes him feel like he's alive, feeling that the pain he's making is much worse than his situation. He puts the blade on to his wrist and slowly pulls it through his skin, slowly beautiful rosy red liquid came out of his pale and fragile hand as he kept doing it

one... for keep tsk.. making mistake
haah..haahh...
two.. for disappointing everyone
tsk....shit
three... for being a burden
haah...
four.. haah.. for being alive

He puts down his blade leaving his left hand getting covered by the color of the beautiful red as the color of the ruby soo eye-catching to his eyes, as he sobbed in the bathroom for almost half an hour and patched himself up and went outside the bathroom, he went to his drawers and started to put his clothes, item, personal belongings and a couple of figurines that he received from his group especially the Ryan ones and some of the trophy he got from an award and his id passport ticket and money.

He wore a black shirt with a long red sleeve shirt he unbutton with some jins he has lying on the floor after he was packed he took a camera that was on the drawer and recorded something on his bed, he then puts In in a USB driver and puts it on his table with a note, he then confirmed the train ticket to a remote place called Guangdong (this is a legit place but I'm gonna describe it differently because I don't know what it looks like) which he ordered after the concert and since it was remoted and not a tourist place it was easy to get the ticket as fast as possible.

he got the ticket that was leaving in an hour, and he quietly went out of door pulling his luggage and his backpack filled with his things for the place he was going, before looking at the dorm he once called home, tears came out of his eyes.. well this might be the last time he'll ever see this place,
quietly he said a goodbye wore his mask and closed the door to the dorm and sneaked out of the dorm without being seen there nor at the train station and like that he's gone, never to be seen again.
maybe? only god knows what will happen

but they'll know sooner or later
that they were too late
namjoon who was swallowed in pain and darkness
were they too late to help him out of the darkness?
they hope not
but that's another story for another time in the future...

Chapter Text

The very next day they were all feeling bad as what they said to their leader, they were emotionally unstable yesterday because their tiredness got the best of them. Jin went into the kitchen and cooked some breakfast hoping that it could be an apology for what they have said to their leader. After he was done with the help of the other members.. well some of them, all of them went to his and taehyung's shared rooms. Jungkook knocks on the door and spoke with a not too loud voice

Jungkook: Namjoon Hyung breakfast is ready, he then knocked a few times on the door but only silence answered him

Taehyung who was beside him quietly opened the door hoping to see their leader snoring like crazy on the bed snuggled up showing his dimply face to them as they wake him up with breakfast on bed and would forgive them and laugh it all out like it was nothing serious, but that didn't happen they looked inside the room only to see an empty space with some of the things namjoon owns has gone

They were all confused and quickly walk towards the bed only to see some pillows that's were under the blanket. Yoongi went into the bathroom only to see it empty with some of namjoon's medicine on the sink floor, They all looked around and saw something on top of their leader's table, with a note beside it saying please watch this with the cru and manager - RM

Hoseok then took the USB and called the cru and their manager to meet up at bighit meeting room. Once they were all there Yoongi puts the USB in the laptop and clicked on the only file that was there, a video the loading screen showed for a few seconds until they saw the video on, and there they saw their leader in front of the camera, namjoon was placing the camera and once it stopped moving they saw namjoon walked to the bed and sat down with his head hung low.

Namjoon: h-hi soo you all might be wondering where am I at right now or why am I not here.. well maybe you guys dont even care HAhaha... well you guys dont have to worry about me anymore because........ im quitting BTS, and if it's not a bother I hope Hoseok will be the leader, he is much worth it than me .. I'm sorry for causing trouble and sorry that my absence will change the songs and choreography, and for the new album I already make some new ones in the computer so you don't have to worry about it and you guys could just tell the ARMY that I left cause of personal reasons and It was my decision I'm soo sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm soo sorry Goodbye for the last time... RM out, he said smiling before walking towards the camera and turned off the camera.

The members were all speechless seeing their leader like this, the silence broke when their manager speaks out.
Sejin: What did you guys do?! I'm not blaming you all for his disappearance but You know it's hard to be calm with his situation, he sighed.
Jin: what situation? he asked, the other nods in agreement
Sejin: he didn't tell you guys after the concert? they were all, even more, confuse
until Sejin told them about Namjoons situation about his family, his health, about everything he was hiding from them, and they were all crying about how they treated him, even yoongi was at the point of crying over the guilt he was feeling

Taehyung: soo do you know where he is right now? taehyung said trying to hold his tears.

Sejin: no I don't, I'll try and talk to hitman bang and the police, maybe they'll know about his whereabouts or how to find him... I hope so. But I hope all of you are ready for the worst. All of them looked with confusion.
Hoseok: what do you mean?

Sejin: I know it's hard on you boys but if this is his choices and we can't find him.... bangtan will have to go on without him, he said while looking straight at them with concerned eyes.
Sejin: sigh* just tell me the truth, all of you. Did any of you say anything to namjoon that may have hurt him? I mean I know him for a long time and I know he wouldn't just suddenly leave after just that. He's much stronger than that, but due to his condition maybe something or someone made him snapped and left the group. All of them were silent, they all had the same faces, you might be wondering what face they were making well. Their faces were the face of a person who just shoots an innocent man in front of his kids. Guilt was painted all on their faces, Sejin just looked at them and sighed, he knew he shouldn't pressure them even more than they already are. He sighed
Sejin: you guys should just rest, you all had a rough time.. and bts will be taking a week of rest, if namjoonie isn't found until then all of you have to go on with the group even without him and J-hope I hope you will be able to take his place as the leader, it was one of the things he asked for...

All: but Sejin!
Sejin: No buts except all of you walking through those doors and going straight to your dorm, if you'll excuse me I need to talk bang pd-nim about this, and please act normal in front of the camera and don't speak about Namjoons situation, their manager said and went out of the room followed by some of the people who were in the room.

.All of them just sighed and went back home, it was about 3 pm when they got there, they were all were lifeless. Heck, even the maknae line were not jumping around the house, they were all just like rocks sinking into the deepest part of the ocean.. empty lonely all they could see were water, salty water coming from their eyes even Jin the oldest isn't at the moment to cheer anyone, so hoseok smiled at them and said.

Hoseok: Guys, don't be soo sad, I'm sure by tomorrow namjoon will walk through the doors and smile showing off his smiley dimple to all of us saying all of this is a joke, hoseok said trying to lighten up the mood
The other members just nodded, they didn't want to think negatively but they just couldn't think about all that they have done and said that would push their leader to the limit when he was at his lowest. I mean his father just passed away, his mother said to leave and never come back all the negative comments, and in the end, the members pushed him to the edge they felt beyond guilty. . Jin, yoongi and hoseok as the hyung were comforting the maknaes . As soon as they have calmed down, all of them went to bed, well not the hyung lines.
they went to try searching for their leader, it was 10 pm and no luck coming from Twitter, Yahoo, Facebook, or even Instagram. . . . Is he really gone? will we not be able to see him again will we never see his angel-like laugh again? will we never see him dimply face giggling with us again?
we're sorry
We're sorry... namjoon
please come back to us........
we miss you...

that night tear-like rain came pouring out of their eyes as they kept thinking about their leader namjoon was like the light in the darkness without him they felt empty, they felt sadness, they felt lost...

like a beautiful rose that is kept alive by water underneath it
if you emptied the water slowly the rose that was once beautiful
will slowly wither losing its beauty
and eventually will no longer be beautiful like it was once was